The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 487 - Mel Buttle & Nath Valvo

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

This week, we're joined by MEL BUTTLE and NATH VALVO! Tommy's apartment once again comes under scrutiny, Chando's been walking around in the nude, Tommy's encountered a filthy new phrase, Mel's had an eventful, stressful dinner at an ex's house PLUS there's been more action on Chando's Truck Stop Hotline! ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Mel Buttle and Nath Valvo. We have got a few live things coming up around the place. Brisbane and Adelaide sold out. We'll see you soon. We've got the huge 500th live episode happening in Melbourne, April 25th. Massive theatre tickets selling very quickly, aren't they, Carl? They sure are. Plus, we've got two shows just about to sell out, April 4 and April 11, in the afternoon of a Saturday. Plus, we've got both of our solo comedy festival shows. You're going to see them in Brisbane.

You're going to see them in Adelaide. But you get to see them for weeks at a time in Melbourne. Carl Chandler in Please Call Me Carl. Mr. Comedy Was My Father. Heaps of jokes in that. Plus your show. Tommy Dasolo in Meatball. So you can find tickets to all of those kinds of things.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode. But until then, enjoy this new one with Mel Buttle and Nate Valvo. Hey, mate. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler.

Good, you've turned the mics on, which means we're not allowed to talk libelous anymore. No, we just had a... We've just been doing for about 15 minutes, guys. If you want to get any of that, we've really got to start recording it and selling it. Get the time machine out, folks. Go back in time a week and just climb up onto my balcony of my apartment and just have a big old listen in because there was some real juicy shit coming out. Yeah, and we'll put all the Patreon dollars towards the lawyers and, you know, it's basically

our superannuation because our, what we call our careers will be ended. Yes, what we laughably call our careers. Let's welcome in our two special guests today, Mel Buttle and Nath Valvo. Hello. Hello, thank you for having us. Last time we were here, I was with Mel. No, I wasn't. I had another one after that.

But last time I was with Mel on this podcast was live in Brisbane. Yes, that's correct. In the pub. There was a guy sitting behind me and I still never found out why. You got someone from the audience? No, no, you got an audience member. Yes, that's right. He didn't know anything about the podcast, I think.

Was that the guy and he just got on stage? You had an audience member. A friend of someone in the crowd who just had surgery, like had brain surgery or something. Right. And then was just sitting on the stage. Yeah, why did we get him up there? I can't remember.

I think we were like, let's offer a seat, because that was the gig where we had no seats in the audience. There was no seats, that's right. And we said, okay, we've got one seat. Someone can sit on the one seat we've got. And we just happened to get the guy with the brain injury that has never heard of us before. He had a good time. He had a pretty good time.

He had a really nice time. I wonder if he, because I was talking to him afterwards and he was like, boys, I'm going to start listening now. This is the big test. If you're out there and you picked it up after that. You know what? He probably listened to the next week's episode and went, oh, I'm not even in this one. And then like, stop listening.

We should have flown him down here for this one. You know, two of the guests that he loved on the Brisbane Live episode. It'd be really hard to track him down. I mean, if we're trying to find one of our listeners that has a brain injury, I mean, come on. It's a bit of a needle in the haystack there. That was a weird recording because we were sitting and no one else was. It was a very weird experience.

Yes. I loved it. 150 people just staring at you going, what's it like It was a very weird experience. I loved it. 150 people just staring at you going, what's it like? Very unpopular. It felt like a great alpha move though. It really felt like a good power play on the audience. We are coming back and part of the advertising is we haven't named any guests or anything.

We're just saying we have chairs. And that has gone very well in the Brisbane community. So you got some bite back for the no chairs? They got angry? Well, the numbers weren't as good as usual. And, you know, look, the demo of our listeners, let's just say they like to be seated. Let's just say they... Yeah, yes.

Fair enough. An hour of standing is a lot of cardio. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I am aware and I am diabetic. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm aware of diabetes. Yeah, that's it. First time, Mel, we've had you in the quote-unquote studio for quite some time. Yes. You were just our usual go-to live Queensland onstage performer.

Correct. Queensland correspondent, Mel. Yeah, yes. Yeah, doing my work up there. A little oasis in the middle of that weird state. Isn't it a great state? I love it when your listeners come up to you after a show in Queensland and the excuses that I see in your eyes,

begging me to come over and join the conversation, I think, no, you're taking good money from that guy. You can have a chat to him. You just leave us out there adrift. It's been noted. You can have a chat to him. Yeah, you just leave us out there adrift. It's been noted. You can manage that by yourself. It is lovely to be in your home, Tommy. You're in the masturbatorium.

Yeah, I'll post the address on my Twitter as soon as I get out of here. Please. I like what you've done with this space. Thank you. One big trigger, though. Does that drum machine thing? kit it's no it's electronic does it need to be in your bedroom well it used to be out here great let's get it back out here you don't think it's any good in the bedroom i don't know i'm just impressed that you have six

plants you have six plants tommy in a very small area. I'm very impressed. Are these those mother tongue ones that make the air clearer? Yep. Yeah, read about them. You nerd. Who told you about this stuff? Yeah, they're real plants. He's done all right.

Like, I'm impressed. It's nice. I'm impressed with the plants. He's been here for about a year or two. I don't have one picture on my wall in my house, and I've been there for three years. I've done absolutely nothing. I've got a serial killer house, and he's got an impersonation of a normal person sort of house.

That's true. I mean, if I was going to be murdered, I would like to be surrounded by some plants, some greenery. So you've done well, Tommy. You've tizzed it up. You're someone, Mel, who I was... Every now and then there'll be a guest come in who hasn't seen the apartment before,

and I really feel like I'm not going to get out of this unscathed. You did say that... You were someone I was very worried about coming in and seeing. Really? But if your worst criticism is, why has the drum kit got to be in the bedroom? Yes. I think I've gotten off pretty scot-free. Oh, man, queer eye for the podcast guy.

I think you've got off extremely easily. Mel did say that your TV, quote-unquote, is a very straight man's TV. Yes. And I don't know really what she meant by that, Mel. Can you feel the same? Because I have a big TV. Really? Yeah.

Do you? Is it mounted on the wall? No. No, no, no. It's just balancing on some books. I don't know. It just seems like straight guys. I could get a big screen.

Yeah, I agree. You should get a game on it. I mean, it's a very big screen. Make no mistake. I was going to say, I think you're doing well not having a gaming chair. Oh, yeah. I've come to say, I think you're doing well not having a gaming chair. Oh, yeah. I've come close. It's a steering wheel, a seat that vibrates.

Honestly, across from my flat, across from where we live, there's another flat that looks straight into our window and vice versa. And I have got a bad habit of getting up in the morning and walking around naked and then they can see straight in. They can see straight in. But then I go, okay, I've done... Straight into what? Well, I've gone, I've done the wrong thing here.

This isn't the way I should be behaving. But then when I look in there, there's a bloke in his gaming chair looking at me. I'm like, I reckon I've done better here. Like, this is the least offensive thing. If I have to look at you in your fucking gaming chair... Yeah, right. I'm just thinking about Carl sleeping naked now,

as in not in a... Yes! I just thought, hang on, I clocked your story. That means you sleep naked. I get hot. I get hot in the best. Even in winter? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you go to bed naked or is that something that happens through the night? No, no, no, straight in. Straight in, nude? Absolutely. So when you get up to your baby blanket... Yes. Nude. She sleeps through.

She sleeps through the night now? Yeah, but when I do get her up in the morning, I am naked. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What a slut. She's not quite old enough to form memories, I don't think. We'll see.

We're going to have to Google it. We'll find out in 15 years when she's doing regressive therapy. Yes. We'll see when she's on the line up front in 15 years. Which is a gay comedy, Gala. Oh, no, it's not gay comedy. It's a women's comedy. Gay women, all the same bloody thing.

Whatever it is, Carl can't get on it. That's all he knows. At least I have a legitimate excuse with those ones. The no-Carl's comedy, Gala. Have you thought long term about, as your daughter gets older, like getting up to deal with her in the morning? I mean, you're not going to be able to be rocking around the apartment butt-ass naked, getting her little lunches ready for school.

I have actually not thought of that. I just feel there's a certain type of human in the world who had nude parents. I just think if you have nude parents, you can tell. She'll probably end up doing podcasting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the circle completes itself. Right, so you're saying in the Chandler household, Carl's wife fully clothed.

Carl permanently naked as the day he was born. We are Felix and Oscar in there. We're the original odd couple. She's going to bed in a suit and with like three doonas on top of her. I don't know why. Yeah. And then I'm the opposite. So it's like half the bed is three doonas she's got two layers of pajamas this is like this is so

commercial radio bloody the miss i'm sleeping fully clothed give us a call battle of the sexes i'm hanging from the roof like a bat what a fucking odd boy so she but she's like she's like that and then i am on the other side nothing Nothing, no fabric on my side, no fabric on me. Yeah. Completely rude. So you're nutty, and there's no duna or anything. No, nothing near me. Wow, you're burning up in there.

I get hot. Jesus Christ. I'm sweltering. I don't know what's wrong with me. He's a nude car lying there like a Dracula, hands on chest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sweating. Yeah, yeah, just sweating all night. Not hands on chest, but still fanning myself with the hands as well.

Steam just emanating off the body. And so I think my daughter has got that off me. So this is what my... She's caught hate. Genetic hate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got what do you call it? Biological hotness off me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got, what do you call, biological hotness.

Yeah, yeah. So she, my wife will go and put her in the car, put her in bed or whatever, and just wrap her in fucking 50 layers. And I'm like, you are going to fucking roast our kid. Yeah, that's going to slow cook that baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be real tender. You're forcing your weird fucking, you know, like 17 layers onto our child.

And she's got my thing. You've just got to like, you know, hang her out the window or something. Like, don't wrap her up in fucking... It's so much about raising a child that I never would have thought about. Arguing over the temperature of the child. Yeah. That's one I never would have predicted. Well, it's just because we've got to try and meet in the middle because

she's, we're just polar opposites. Yeah. Temperature-wise anyway. Yeah. So I don't know. No, I have not thought about walking around the nude and when I've got to stop it. But that's a... Okay. I have more questions about the nude. It's her first birthday this week.

Sure. We'll get to that in a sec. Oh, yeah. But when do you put clothes on? Do you go... Are you naked until shower? Yes. Yeah.

That's a good question. It's a lot of time, isn't it? Yeah. It's a lot of time from getting up to showering. I never thought I'd be this person. But this is's a good question. It's a lot of time, isn't it? It's a lot of time from getting up. Yeah. It's showering. I never thought I'd be this person, but this is what I've become. A nude dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A nude dad. Exactly. A nude dad. I am naked for too long. My wife does go, you need to get into a new habit of putting clothes on. Why don't you just put some boxer shorts or something down by the side of the bed as soon as you get up the first time, pull them on and go about our day. Yeah, that's a good... See, I've never been a boxers person, but maybe I should get one pair of walking around

the house boxers. Get some nice... Yeah, a stout Tasmanian devil on them. Yeah, you'd be great. Go down to... Daffy Duck maybe. Go down to Watsnew, get some satin ones. Exactly.

Yeah, roadrunner away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Leave them next to the lava lamp. Something. Maybe a bit of Pepe Le Pew maybe. Yeah, yeah,ner away. Leave him next to the lava lamp. Maybe a bit of Pepe Le Pew, maybe. Something Warner Brothers. Your approach to nudity, it's as if you've been training to be a dad for your entire life.

Because it's almost like having the child now, that justifies the weird nude behaviour around the house. But is that dadness? Anything weird around the house, I think, that's dad. Is it really? That's a dad. A male doing anything odd in the house. But if I was doing that 20 years ago, you wouldn't say that's dad.

What do you call it? You know, a 23-year-old walking around the house. No, I'd see you and I'd be like, he's ready to have kids. Oh, really? Well, it looks like he's ready to make one. At a moment's notice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once she's ready, I'm in there.

We're conceiving, we're doing it. That is, it is, and this is going to sound yeah, yeah. Yeah. Once she's ready, I'm in there. Yeah. We're conceiving. We're doing it. That is, it is a, and this is going to sound not, I'm bringing this up for you. It's not a thing I should be bringing up, but it is a thing where I'm going in, you know, you know, you get up in the morning and you're nude. Oh my God. We know what I'm going to say. Do you want me and Mel to leave? You get up, you get up in the morning.

I want to leave. You know, you know what happens when you get up in the morning. Sometimes you're, you're in a state of. The lipstick's out. Yes, yes, yes. Exactly, exactly. And that's a biological thing of waking up and what's the term? You don't have to justify getting a boner in the morning.

It's all making sense why his partner has four mattresses, two tuners, a tracksuit pants. Sleeps in the panic room. Three chastity belts on. partner has four mattresses, two tuners, a tracksuit pants. Sleeps in the panic room. Three chastity belts on. So you wake up with a boner car. We're all adults. No, well, sometimes when that happens and then I'm the first one that's got to go in and look after the kid.

And that's when I'm like, okay, I need to set a date where I have to put pants on to deal with a child. How about today? Okay. All right. All right. All right. all right. All right. I want to look it up to see when memories are formed by children.

Like what's your first memory? My dad's dick. Coming at me. I was boiling hot. My mum had over-wrapped me. I just wanted to be outside. I thought it was an air conditioner. I do have a memory of, I don't know how old I was,

just of a dad dick memory, not of a general memory, of I'm in the bath, dad gets nude and gets in the bath with me. Oh, right. Okay, here we go. Worst 17th birthday ever. Good shit, mate. Good shit. Put me on its plate.

No. And I remember clocking that and never have seen it before and to me it looked fucking huge it looked so big wow i don't think as i grew up i don't think my dad had a particularly huge dick at all but at that size i'm like you're immediately like mom you've done all right this conversation is gonna get very uncomfortable but i would have been i feel like no i didn't want to say this because this is coming from another uncomfortable chat I had last week. A family friend of ours was talking about that her son has a big dick. Okay.

Her son's three. What? Right? Wow. So all the kids were swimming in the backyard and she said, oh, she's like, oh, have you seen Dick? I was like, oh, no, I haven't, sorry. This is so disturbing.

This is what I'm getting at. This is why I need to bring this up. And so she was like, oh, he's got a big dick, blah, blah, blah. We've noticed it. We didn't notice it the other day. We've noticed it. Like her and her husband have noticed it and they've spoken about it. And now it's a thing.

And Cody, my partner and I, when we got home, actually not even home, as soon as we got in the car. Classic, yeah. We were just, engine wasn't even on yet What the fuck Full debrief Was that chat About her three year old's dick

But then we thought Those chats have to happen Yeah Surely that's a natural So you didn't do that I don't know Surely parents are clocking Their kid's dick

At some point Yeah Yeah Oh man And having a chat about it Three though Three's not a baby Like three

You're walking around With clothes on Three you're in kindergarten, aren't you? No, that's like four or five, isn't it? A bit older. He had floaties on and stuff. He wasn't old enough to swim, but he had nothing else on. I was in kindergarten at three.

So, hang on, he's nude with floaties on. He was nude. He was nude in the backyard. And she was like, wanted my, like, expert opinion or something. She was like, have you seen it? No. That is. So, did you see it?

No, because then I went out of my way to not look and had this battle of refusing to like. I didn't go back into the backyard for the rest of the day. Yeah, yeah. I guess you're right. I mean, I didn't want to look. Well, yeah, imagine doing that. And then all of a sudden you look and then the cops jump the fence and go, we got you. Sting operation.

Live child pornography. Yeah, it was a very uncomfortable conversation. I don't know, can you imagine a point where you're turning to your wife and being like, pretty decent set of hooters on our show? I just don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'm not in that realm. I can't.

It seems weird to me, but maybe it's not. Look, that's a lot better than me walking around nude with my child and my wife noticing, it's bigger than yours now. That's weird. What the hell? Where did this go? I knew I shouldn't have brought it up. If we had a child like that, it's got a freakish, you know,

three-year-old penis. Giant, yeah. Someone was asking me this the other day. What's the last time you can remember seeing your dad in the nude? Yes. Because that's the next, it's like, you know, having your like toddlers or whatever shower with you at a certain point you've got to cut that off and i honestly couldn't remember no i can't i

don't think i don't think my dad ever did any of that no yeah i got glimpses of my dad like i'm he showers with every door in his house open so if you it's like once i realized i was going to see dick if i walked past the hall when he was showering. Right, right. I just stopped doing it. You just sit outside for half the day. Yeah. So I was like, I'll shower's on. He's singing. I know every door in the house is open and there's an angle where you can see it. So I just will stay in the TV room.

And I reckon I was probably like 16 when I decided to not look at my dad's dick anymore. It's like Bird Box. You're walking around the house blindfolded. Yeah. I don't want-folded. Yeah. I don't want to see it. Yeah. That would have been the last time. But that's not including bits of ball that hang out the side

when he's clipping the lawn or whatever. That's a different realm altogether. Yeah, that's different. I saw my mum, but I didn't see my dad. You saw your mum's dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. It was big for a three-year-old.

Wait, so you routinely saw your mother naked, but not your dad? Not routinely. Not routinely. I said once. What colour pubes did your mum have? What colour what? Pubes did your mum have? I didn't look down that far.

My mum had red. Oh, really? Was that a regular thing? But my babysitter had black. What was your babysitter nude? Yes. What was your babysitter nude, Mel? It was in family daycare, and and I like, I don't know,

she was trying to chat to me and her son and she was getting dressed and she just kept getting dressed in her bedroom. Really? How old were you when that happened? I don't know. 16? Before school, like five or something, four, I don't know. So that's one of those, you know, memories that we got at that age

where you've probably only got about five or six memories and that's one of them. Yeah, black pubes. Never seen anything like it before. I don't know. So that's one of those memories that we got at that age where you've probably only got about five or six memories and that's one of them. Yeah, black pubes. Never seen anything like it before. Right, right. Or since. Or since. Where are they?

If you've got some, give us a call. 13, 14. I remember being, and this is skipping forward a few years, but I remember getting to like a puberty years where I had new friends at school in like year seven. Things are starting to change getting funny feelings

about things and I went away with these new friends out into like a smaller place than Meribah out into a place called Avoca

this is so ominous and we spent the weekend in a caravan out the front of this guy's family's house and we only did that

so we had free access to the four pornos that one of them had somehow got and so we were just we just swapped around the pornos the whole time but it was so weird to me because i'd never seen a a vagina or anything like it that it sort of scared me and they're all getting right into it and i was like can i just there's one that just has boobs in it can i just see that because I sort of understand that. Whereas the other ones are sort of like, I feel frightened. Are there any Mad magazines floating around?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly, exactly. So you, I want to go back to, so you saw your mum naked at a young age. You never saw your dad. No. Wow. Yeah. What was that, what was your experience then?

Well, I mean, you'd see, I'd see my parents, I feel like it's pretty common that you just see your parents nude around the house when you're, like, really young. That says to me that your dad... I mean, you're walking around nude in front of your young daughter. That says to me that your dad was, like, strict, like, I'll be damned if I'm having my son ever get a look at my hog. Well, either that or he's done what I hope to do now, and he's gone, right, what's the age where memories start to form?

Now? Okay, done. All right, keeping the pants on this where memory starts to form now okay done all right keeping the pants on from now and he's played it perfectly maybe so just every day you're asking your daughter do you remember yesterday she's like no you're like great yeah yeah sistering at all no okay a friend of mine has a young has young children and i think he's cut off his young son would shower with him like three four years old and one day they're in the shower and the son goes, wow, daddy, your penis stinks. And he's like, all right, that's it, no more showering. If I'm going to get roasted by this little cunt, he's out.

So, hey, maybe that could be the line in the sand. When your daughter starts body shaming you, chuck the pants on. All right, well, maybe this is a link to this. So last week on our little program that we have here. Previously on. Previously on Little Dumb Dumb Club. A little shortcut, my phone number is out there in the world. The listeners have my phone.

I have had for years, blah, blah, blah. So it's come to a new thing last week where someone has written on. Is that your phone right now? That's so weird. Someone has written on a truck stop toilet somewhere, for a good time, call, ring or text this number, my number. I've started getting a lot of messages, a lot of horny truck drivers. A lot of people out there looking for a good time.

This is so good. It's the world's burning, Trump's in office, and who doesn't want a good time? I want a good time. And you're nice that this really vintage way of communication still works. Exactly. That's what I was saying last week. In this day and age of WhatsApp.

It's bespoke. It's beautiful. I'm really into this. It's quite romantic. It's a really hipster way of having a wank. So, Carl, have you worked out or have we assumed it's in the male toilet? Yeah. Is it from the in the mail toilet? Yeah. Is it from the messages you're receiving?

Yes. Now, a thing I didn't understand was I thought, because I haven't seen the message, but I assumed that it was one of those ones where it's like, Sharon here, ring a root, blah, blah, blah, this number. And so it's like horny guys trying to fuck a girl and then I'm copying it. Right.

And then I was like sending them back pictures of Tommy going, well, I'm about to fuck this guy actually. And they're going good can we join in and i'm like oh i've read this wrong so i've sent a lot of the messages where it's just pictures of tommy and then someone there's been there's been people that don't answer again and then there's been people going let's let's take the next step in our relationship here. And do they reveal their gender in these messages to you? No, but... I get the vibe that they're all male. Yes, it feels like it's in the men's toilets.

Yeah, I don't know any women who... Exactly. There'd be a lot more emojis in the message, I feel. Yeah, if it was a woman. Like feelings and shit. I would be amazed... They'd be texting feelings and recipes. I would be amazed. The big texting feelings and recipes. I would be amazed if a woman ever texted a number

on a ring-a-root message on a toilet wall. That would be... It blows me away that a guy's doing it, let alone a woman. Do we know what truck stopped? No. I'm intrigued in the finer details here. As we talked about it more and more and the volume of texts that he was getting,

we reached the conclusion that it must be some kind of known haunt. A beat. Some kind of beat or something like that. Just the sheer volume. Men are going in there looking for that in the first place. Do you want to know a quick little beat story which I used to really have such an enjoyable time.

I won't name the station because I don't want to get in trouble, but a long time ago I was handing out cans of Coke for a radio station and they used to have particular cars branded in a certain way that we'd drive around and make people's day. And there was a known beat here in Melbourne. And just for shits and giggles sometimes, when we had a little bit of time to spare, we'd take the cars to the beat. So married men are at this beat,

like guys wanting to hook up with the guys on the slide, not wanting everyone to know, park their car around the corner, then walk down to this secret toilet, and then two radio-branded promotions cars would rock up into the car park, we'd send a little beep, and we'd watch them run.

We did that twice, and it was a very fun day for all involved. Anyway, continue with your story about beats. That reminds me, I don't think, maybe I've told this a this a long long long time ago on the show but we used to play uh me and my mates used to play for a soccer club in ballarat when we lived in ballarat and we played for a place called vic park and now victoria park we didn't know was a was a bit of a beat and so we would go at and we didn't realize this and we would train and there was one night we we would we were training it was like really wet and really raining whatever and and we didn't realise this, and we would train. And there was one night we were training.

It was like really wet and really rainy and whatever. And we didn't have any change of clothes. And we were literally like, it was so muddy, it was insane. So we had to sort of drive home. Fuck each other? No. Sorry. Yeah.

We were driving home nude. Like we were in the nud going home. And it was like we got into the car's, like, people next to us going, oh, so you're here for the same thing we're here for? And we're like, no. And then we're taking off, and then we got stopped by the cops, and they're like, you're leaving Vic Park in the nude. What's been happening, boys?

And I was going, playing soccer? And they're like, right, okay. But, like, back then in Ballarat, it's like, sounds about right. You boys all play soccer, don't you? The world game. Seen that on SBS. The world game. When the internet was becoming what it is today, ladies and gentlemen,

so when I was like 19, 20 and really discovering all the things you could find on the internet, there was this website that used to list the beats. Oh, yes. So it was like a beat finder website where you'd go and you'd go look it up. And there was so many. I should have kept the list to see where they still are. There was one very close to where we are now.

I remember that one. There's one on the beach. It's quite nice. Oh, really? Down in St Kilda. Yeah, I think I know the one you're talking about. Okay, yeah. There used to be a whole list of them.

So that's kind of cool. There was one at Melbourne Central. Never forgotten that. This is back, back, back in the day. Do you think that culture has gone? Yeah, Dimeroo, I think it was under the cone. Meet me under the cone. Judah Grinder and Tinder, do you reckon the beat culture has died off?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I think that's exactly what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there must be a few still out there. Like what we're talking about with the toilet wall thing. The little float. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think that's exactly what happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there must be a few still out there. Like what we're talking about with the toilet wall thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The retro nature of it. It's a good point.

But people still use those to use the beat. Yeah. Oh, I see what you're saying. So you take up a hook up on grinding meat in the beat? Yeah, yeah. Like a guy sucked me off in a park one night that I met on Grindr because both of us had people over. We're talking on the app.

I had people over at my place. He had people over at his place. So what were we going to do? So you're just leaving your house to get stuck out

I was like, I live in my house, mate. We're having a party. There's just people around. I don't care. And so we met halfway to park and away we went.

So yeah, it's still kind of in a way we're still using it for that. I see. Not me anymore. Was it like super old school? You did it, you sucked each other off on the steps of Flinders Street Station or underneath the clocks?

It's pretty romantic. I don't know what park it was, but anyway. My dog broke up two guys in a beat situation recently. But the worst bit was, so she she like is like onto something goes around the corner at this dog park in brisbane and then um this guy in a full suit the end it's muddy it's like there's mangroves it's like down by the river in brisbane a guy in a full suit sounds very romantic oh it's hot as there's mosquitoes um he he runs out and he looks like really embarrassed and his head's down and he quickly gets in his car and i was like oh and then the second guy comes out who is like a craggy old

fisherman brisbane baby boomer almost 70 who comes out and talks to me just as like obviously i know what's been going on but he obviously thinks he has to smooth it over by telling me about fishing. And he just comes out and starts going, yeah, well, crabs around here been here for years, used to go out with Kevin. But anyway, so I had the boat here and I was like, I was like, I would rather you just go back and fuck that guy. Yeah. So I don't have to listen to a story about crab nets.

Yeah. But if he's a boomer, he's probably just as wrapped to have someone to just tell a story to. Yeah. He if he's a boomer, he's probably just as wrapped to have someone to just tell a story to. He was probably getting off telling you that story. I think I've told this on the pod before, but I was on a tram once and it was late at night and so I was kind of sitting next to the window.

I was by myself. I was looking out the window and I kept kind of focusing in on the reflection from inside the tram and there was a guy kind of sitting behind me who every time I kind of focused in on the reflection, from inside the tram and there was a guy kind of sitting behind me who every time I kind of focused in on the reflection, he was kind of like making eye contact with me. I was like, ah, that's pretty weird. Anyway, I get off at a stop.

I'm walking down a side street to go to my friend's house. He's gotten off the stop with me and he follows me and then he like walks past me and overtakes me and as he's walking backwards in this Irish accent, he goes, would you like a blowjob? And I'm like, what? And he goes, would you like a blowjob? And I'm like, what? And he goes, would you like a blowjob? And I'm like, just so taken aback.

I was like 19 or something. I was like, nah, I'm good. Nah, man. And I was just like, what was it about the vibe that I was giving off and just staring out the window that made him think, there's a target. Yeah. Eye contact. There's a supple young target.

Yeah, I think you're just two blokes alone in the world. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think it's classic bloke behaviour, actually. You know, that thing of like a girl looks at you once and you go, she wants it. Yeah. This isn't even that.

This is like, he looked at my reflection, he wants it. What were you wearing? Yeah. What was I wearing? Were you asking for it? How many white wines have you had? I've just gone to a party dressed as uncovered meat. Yeah, it's definitely a kink that's still out there.

So there's been a bunch of messages about that sort of thing, which was all very quaint last week. It was all funny, me sending back pictures of Tommy and what would happen off the back of that. We're just catfishing someone live on air, having a great old time. Yeah was all funny, you know, me sending back pictures of Tommy and what would happen off the back of that. We're just catfishing someone live on air, having a great old time.

Yeah, all great stuff and then nothing but dick then this week. Really? Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Like nothing but dick. Photos of doodles? Yes, yeah, so it was all fun and games last week and now it's just me

waking up at 1am. Nude. With a boner, looking at more dicks. Now you know how your baby and your fucking partner feel just me waking up at 1am nude and then on you with a boner yeah looking at more dicks now you know how your baby and your fucking partner feel just waking up to dicks in their face this is called karma how many between because that wasn't even a full week ago that we recorded that that was like four days ago now or something yes that we did that last step yes what do you how many are you sitting on uh how many dicks am I sitting on? Yes. What's the tally?

Three since then. But I had none before then. Are you still replying to people? Not to the dicks. I'm too scared about the dicks. Can we have a look at the dicks? Yep. I don't think I've ever seen a dick pic. Well, post them on the website and they'll be in the newsletter.

Did you ever look at that website just out of curiosity to see how your dick looked? The Rate My Dick website. Do you remember that? No, I don't. So there was this website called Rate My Dick or Rate My Penis or something. It was very famous. And you would upload anonymously your dick. Right.

And then strangers would vote on it. So people could just rate it. I don't know if it was out of five or out of ten. And then you would go and check in on it and see how your dick was rated by strangers on the internet hot or not but not with your face yeah just like dicks only this is a long time ago um i never uploaded but i was a frequent visitor of the website were you a voter i voted just for a bit of fun but i can't i don't find for a bit of fun what's the reason with that i don't find a complete random picture of just a dick remotely attractive or get me off in any way.

Have you ever sent one? Of course. Oh, my God, of course. But I just meant I'm talking to a guy and we've chatted. There's content. There's content. Just a random dick pic. I'm like, that doesn't do anything for me.

It's a bit like biology in year 11. It's like a page in a textbook. Exactly right. Thank you for that reference. I even lost me that reference there. No, but I agree. Were you a generous raider on there though? Yes, I can't remember.

It's a good question. I'd get on there and see any with a pretty low average and just be like, I feel bad for this guy. Yeah, you don't want to kick him while he's down kind of thing. Was that the first trolling on the internet? Your dick sucks. Yeah, yeah. Seeing good dicks but giving it a four. Suck shit.

Shit kick, loser. But you couldn't, could you put a comment as well? I don't think it was a comment. Yeah, just a number. Just go, ha ha ha three. That site must still exist. You should chuck some of these photos that this guy sent you on there. Let's see. Let's find out.

That was around that same time. Do you remember this website where it was like the sex roulette kind of website? So you had your cam up. Oh, chat roulette. Chat roulette, but everyone just turned it into

wanking straight away. Almost immediately. Immediately. And you'd click go and then it would find you some person in Russia or fucking wherever and then you'd just like

whack off to each other. Did you ever check you can see each other? No, you can see each other. I was too afraid of stuff like that. No way. I never did it alone. Definitely did it with some mates mucking around drunk and all that stuff.

Yeah, yeah, I never did it alone. No way. Isn't it? But some people were into it. If the camera popped up and it was, like, a couple of us, and we were, like, getting drunk and blah, blah, blah, and they were into it. That's fair to say, though, isn't it?

Like, you said you wouldn't do it alone because if you just see that by yourself, you get a bit scared. That's literally me on a tram coming home and getting a dick pic and me going, oh, I need to get home. And the question is, Carl, are you rating them or not?

Send them back a rating. These people are just insecure. That's good. Start rating them. Start sending back a score out of 10. That's not bad, actually. Comment on the lighting. Yeah.

So this one guy from last week has sent you three separate ones. No, no, no. Different people. Oh, different people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. No, no. No, the end of what we talked about last week was there was a guy that was very keen on

Tommy on the green shirt cutie. Your next show name, by the way. Green shirt cutie. Yeah, absolutely. Lock that in. So it got to a stage where what? and we he your next show name by the way Grinchy Cutie yeah absolutely lock that in so it got to a stage where what

we asked for pictures of him and he just his excuse was no I'm in New Zealand because they don't have photography they don't

fair enough real sad so that was the end of that unfortunately what's your plan Carl like where are we going we're just going to

put up with this forever we're going to find the phone number yeah but here's the thing this is what we were talking about last week a guy rang me and then went do you know What's your plan, Carl? Like, where are we going? We're just going to put up with this forever. We're going to find who. The phone number? Yeah. But here's the thing. This is what we were talking about last week. A guy rang me and then went, do you know you've got your number on this thing? And I was like, oh, I figured something was happening.

He's like, okay, do you want me to take it off then? And I'm like, of course I do. Yes. And he's like, you know, sort of like a school teacher going, oh, you should want to take it off. I'm like, okay, can you take it off? He's like, absolutely, okay. And then hangs up and then I keep getting a deluge of texts. So I don't know what that guy was doing.

That could be people that had already seen it before he took it down and was like, I'm going to write this down for later on when I'm feeling a bit horny. Well, they've been sitting on that for a while. Yeah. Or maybe the guy just wrote, do not call underneath. Right. No time wasters, please. No door knockers.

Yeah, right. No junk mail. Yeah. I don't know. You know what? Maybe I should. The next step is I start asking where this truck stop is. And maybe me and Tommy can drive out.

If it's close. Record. We need to find out where it is. Live podcast from the toilet. We're the numbering. We did say close. Record. We need to find out where it is. Live podcast from the toilet. We're the numbering. We did say that. Yes. We, for some weird reason,

like we're both independently, we've pictured it on the way. It's a truck stop on the way from Melbourne to Ballarat. Yeah, that's what I saw it in my head as well. And just like Brisbane, there'll be no seats, but just you guys doing a live podcast. Well, there'll be one seat.

I mean, someone's just squatting. I don't know technically if that's a seat. One toilet seat and that's it. This feels like this is the real apex of your number. Does your wife know about this story? Is the phone going to be on the

kitchen counter and she just sees it? And what a back story if this whole thing was invented by Carl because he's been hooking up with men. Yeah. At truck stops. Oh, it was a podcast joke. It was Tommy.

It was Tommy. Tommy eight years ago did this. You know what? That's a good point. I've kept it from her, but I should tell her the story because when my phone's on the charge, if a big dick comes up on the phone, I should have a back story beforehand. Go on the front foot. Yes.

I shouldn't be explaining it I should be telling her the story first Yes Better to ask No No that's Sorry that's the opposite Better to beg forgiveness

Than ask permission Yes That's the other way around Yes And I wonder I wonder what her response will be Carl grow the fuck up Yeah

Carl when will this end Yeah Well Karma You know you haven't worn clothes All these years Well someone else is not wearing clothes now How do you like that Yeah her response will be, Carl, grow the fuck up. Yeah. Carl, when will this end? Yeah, well, karma. You know, you haven't worn clothes all these years. Well, someone else is not wearing clothes now. How do you like that? Yeah, getting photos of it. Well, speaking of that area, I'd be interested to hear about this.

This happened to a friend of mine recently who is single and dating at the moment. She had been on one date with this guy, got on well with him. Yep. And then went their separate ways. This was kind of just before Christmas, so, you know, weird time to go on a first date with someone when, got on well with him, and then went their separate ways. This was kind of just before Christmas, so, you know, weird time to go on a first date with someone when you get very busy. And she's kind of messaging him as she's at

this family thing, and he, first of all, he's like out drunk the next night, was like, you should come round later tonight for a sleepover. That's weird language to use, I think. No hook up after the first date. Withing out the language of sleepover. That's a bit weird to me. Is that normal language?

Because I'm so far out of the game. Is that a thing you would say? Well, I think he's trying to soften, you know, the word root. Yeah. Yeah, but I think if you've already hooked up, if there's a history there, it's like, hey, how'd that come over tonight for a sleepover? But referring to the first time you're going to do it as that, it's like, come on, bro. Just fucking, just go for it.

I'm not going to throw him in the bin yet. Okay. Nice. No, maybe it's his way of saying, I don't want you to leave or I won't leave. Yeah, maybe. It's like come on bro Just fucking Just go for it I'm not going to throw him in the bin yet Okay Nice No maybe it's his way of saying I don't want you to leave Or I won't leave Yeah maybe We'll actually fall asleep after

Oh yeah Yeah yeah okay We'll get up tomorrow And taking the pressure off Maybe it will just be A pure sleepover They chat Okay alright

I'm too harsh on him Yeah maybe they're going to watch Gremlins 2 You know Glass of warm milk As soon as you get on arrival. Mum and dad will bring in dessert. In the nude. So then they're texting a couple days later and she's like,

it's around Christmas at this point, she's like, oh, family are driving me crazy. And he writes back and goes, oh, that's brutal. I think you should escape and come around here and show me your white bits. Now, I've never heard this term in my life. White bits? White bits. What are the white bits?

It's pink bits. Exactly. What are the white bits? The bits surrounding the pink bits. The titties? That's the only thing that I could work out. The white bits, the titties. I guess.

You know what I think it is? Fuck. My closest version of would be if you were on the beach in a bikini. That's what it has to be, right? The bits that don't get the sun. Yeah. Those bits. So your butt, your titties. But that's not like...

Keep going. Keep going. No, no, no. Mel, take it. Please talk about the colour of... It's a family feud. Can you please talk about the colour of... It's a young family feud. Can you please talk about the colour of vaginas for the gay men listening to this podcast?

Some of it's white. Yeah, there we go. Around the outside. Yep. Oh. Around the outside. I don't know. It is...

Look, A, it's confusing. B, it's not erotic. No, it's all bad. Yeah. And then there are a couple of emojis after it as well. B, it's not erotic. No, it's all bad. And then there are a couple of emojis after it as well. There was like the tilted on the side cry laughing emoji after white bits, which is almost as offensive as white bits, I have to say. That's having your cake and eating it too. Can I ask a question?

Vanilla cake. And I know this is going to let my Queensland shine through with this question. Do you know what the question is, Tommy? It's about the race of the person asking to see the white bits. Excellent question. Irish. The whitest of them all. They're all white bits over there.

There's no sun. That's his kink. He could have just been talking about a nose then. Yeah, show me kink. Yeah. He could have just been talking about a nose then. Yeah, show me the hands. Yeah. What was your, how did your friend deal with the white bits to sleep over? Sleep over, she kind of was like, you know, neither here nor there. Yeah, it's not too bad.

White bits is an immediate screenshot into the group chat before she's replied. That's a change the name of the WhatsApp group to white bits. That's a change of a nickname to white bits. That's a change the name of the WhatsApp group to White Pits. That's a change of a nickname to White Pits. That's a change of a group chat. Whitey. Whitey's back. You going out tonight, Whitey?

But I just immediately, you know, it's like you hear something like that and, you know, it was just like three of us discussing it and it's like, well, who knows, maybe we're wrong. We need to go into the wider population with this. I've asked a few people about it. No one I've spoken to has ever heard of this terminology in their lives. And also, maybe ask to see someone's white bits if they've said, oh, I've had drinks and I'm a bit in the mood maybe tonight. Maybe I do want to see you.

My friends are all like, no, my family's annoying me. The leading was real weird. Oh, my dad's being racist. Show me your puss. I don't really think that's how it works. I don't want to take the edge off. Well, you know what? The actual added context to it was that she was on a camping trip

with her parents between Christmas and New Year and she was going to drive back for New Year's Eve and then they were in an area where the fires started really kicking off so they were stranded there. And so she's been messaging this guy back and forth like, oh, yeah, now I'm stuck here with my parents for another few days, and also they're driving me crazy, and also we might die. The fires are closing in on us.

We've been told that we're going to have to... My white bits are going to be called black bits. Yeah, exactly. We've been told we're going to have to evacuate, and he's like, how about you just escape and come show me your pussy? I'd love to. If it means not being burned alive. I'd love that.

So, yeah, I don't know. I hope she'd burnt back. I hope she'd done a... It took me a while. Keep in mind, I was off him at sleepover. So, yeah, she sends me that. She's like, what should I do? I'm like, in the bin with him.

Well, you were right. Your gut instinct was right, Tommy. Perhaps we're all too trusting. We knew there was something about this guy. We stand corrected. So she kind of dragged him for it a bit and then he kind of wrote back and was like, oh, I was out and a bit drunk and very apologetic. But it's sort of that thing where there's only so much you can apologize for when drunk.

Because it's like you didn't just cruft that term out of nowhere. That's in your vernacular. Yeah. You know, being drunk only just brings something out that's kind of already in there. Maybe it's not in there because it's such an inexplicable term that maybe he did just create it right then. Maybe he was like, it's not offensive because it didn't exist until I said it right then. Yeah. And it makes no sense.

So how are you taking offense at it? White bits, I just mean the bit under the clothes. Because you'll be getting burnt. You'll be getting tanned from the flames. I meant your bones. Oh, I've made it worse. Mal, how does a man tell a woman on a text message that he wants to have a root tonight? Well, in Queensland, we say what you've just said there.

Using the words, hello woman, I am man. Hello woman, keen for root, question mark. Is there a way? Well, I think you don't put it in a text message unless you've had way more than one meeting where you haven't done it already. You can only do that when you've already definitely done it. Otherwise you have to use like metaphors and imply stuff or don't mention it all and just let it happen just yeah meet up that's

my i mean i would never be confident that's like the mental gymnastics of working out god what's the fucking lingo to use here should i be said next time i get a text from this truck stop number should i be straight on to show us your white bits oh you've been seeing heaps of white bits yeah i know yeah but the ones plenty of white ones that don to show us your white bits? Oh, you've been seeing heaps of white bits. Yeah, I know. You've been seeing plenty of white bits. The ones that don't show me the white bits, I'll say,

show us your white bits first. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And if they get offended by that. I love how with this, you kind of hover between being like,

I'm getting sent all these dicks, it's ruining my life, to like, how else can I solicit for cock? Well, it's either that or I wait for something else fucked to happen in my life

and it's like, well, this is the fucking thing that's happened this week. Yeah, under the next chapter. I'd say that I'd wait for something else fucked to happen in my life and it's like well this is the fucking thing that's happened this week. On to the next chapter. I've got to wait

until I get hit by a bus next week and then I can talk about that. Just in traction me holding the mic up to you. I'm not enjoying it

but it's like for the purpose of the listeners out there something's got to happen. Something's got to give.

Unless you go into your bedroom and stick those drumsticks up your ass this is what we're talking about this week Oh fuck Don't really see how that would turn into too much content Well

Oh it hurt It felt kind of good at the same time The end We'll find out next week I want to watch you play those drums as well Before I go Anyway I've had a thing I wanted to share

With everyone On the podcast It's kind of It's quite a personal embarrassing story and I just feel this is the safe space to bring it up. Very much so. You're going to have a lot of questions. So, okay.

Yes, it should be pink. From my limited experience. Bleach. Pinkish in time. How about you upload it to ratemypuss.com? Bleach your jeans not when you're wearing them. That's my bit of advice. I'm going to give it a score out of ten.

Okay. Well, that's solved that one then. Moving on, Nathan. So, okay. So, not Nathan, but the straighty worlds will find this very odd. Thanks for using our future. Finally, something for us, Carl. My ex-girlfriend, Sophie.

Which one? Oh, yeah. Sophie, who you know. Super hot. Yes. You've always got hot girlfriends. Thank you. Super hot girlfriends.

Thank you. You're the oasis up there in Queensland. Oh, I pluck them out from wherever I need to get them, yeah. And my current girlfriend. Is this the? The soccer player. Soccer player, yeah. I'm sure she's thrilled with her little nickname as current girlfriend... Is this the... The soccer player. Soccer player, yeah. I'm sure she's thrilled with her little nickname as current girlfriend.

Current girlfriend. Well, you have gone through three in about two episodes of the last two episodes we've been on. Yes, we've been busy. No, I feel like the soccer player is pretty... Yeah, I've been the soccer player for a year. Thank you, Nathan. Which in less than seven years, let's go to Bunnings. So we can meet her at bloody Bunnings. Bunnings. Got nine, Nathan. Which in less than seven years, let's go to Bunnings. So we can meet our bloody Bunnings.

Got nine rescue dogs. We got them all out. Great. Anyway, so Sophie and my current girlfriend are... I just don't want to say her name, so I don't know what else to say. So they've become friends.

Give her a nickname. Let's call her Ronaldo. Oh, nice. Love it. Even I got that reference. That's good. Sports, yeah. Tommy's growing up.

He knows soccer. Ronaldo. Ronaldo. Yeah. So. Ronaldo. We're friends with Sophie's. Messina.

We're friends with Sophie's boyfriend and Sophie. Hang on, hang on. So. Sophie has gone straight. Right. Okay. This is a dense story. Yeah. Right. So Sophie is gone straight Right, okay This is a dense story Yeah

Right, so Sophie Is now straight With a boyfriend Yep And he's great And we all get on Me and Ronaldo Sophie and her boyfriend

What's his white bits like? They're Italian Oh, nice Meatball like Tommy Right Mamma mia So we're at their house We stayed over at their house

Right Had a sleepover If you will But not like that Right Okay So Okay so the two couples

Two couples had a sleepover Having a sleepover So all the history isn't necessary But I thought you'd find it interesting No no no That's absolutely necessary I find it weird that No couples have sleepovers

That's odd Let alone exes That are now with new partners This is a weird story already It's getting less Cody and I don't have sleepovers Without exes and are now with new partners. This is a weird story already. It's getting less old. Cody and I don't have sleepovers without exes and their new partners. This is one of these weird two and a half...

That has never happened. This is a weird two and a half hour movie from the late 70s with Elliot Gould and Alan Alda. It's to do with the sharing of the rescue dog co-parenting. Dogs go to sleep at some point. I don't know why you're still there. So when you made fun of the cliche of lesbians, it was an actual fact.

It was the crux of the story. Sounds nice. Fair enough. So you're sleeping over in Bunnings and go. What did you have for dinner? Pussy. Yeah. Lasagna.

All right. Lasagna? Oh, nice. Lasagna. Anyway, so that's all just background. This is a great show. So my girlfriend and I still aren't farting in front of each other or admitting that either one of us does any form of poo ever.

We're right. Even though you've broken up. No, sorry, sorry. My current girlfriend. Ronaldo and I. So you and Sophie shit in front of each other now that you're not going out to get a ride. Yeah, of course. Anyway.

Non-stop. Non-stop shitting now that you've broken up. You've finally let it out. That's what the sleepover is. Oh, yes. Cushioning a breakup with someone in that way. But hey, the good news is now we can shit in front of each other. That'd be a great way to break up with someone.

You know how we don't do this? Looks like we're not going out together anymore. You saw it come out. Wow. So happy I've chosen this. Sorry. To share. Carl stood and did a full come out. Wow. So happy I've chosen this to share. Carl stood and did a full act out as well. It was really something.

I didn't think you'd understand what shitting was if I did. That helps. That noise helps. So Rinaldo and I are still very nervous about admitting that anyone does farts or shits or anything. So there's a whole system I've got in place whenever I need to do a shit.

So what I do is I team it with a shower. So I go into the bathroom and I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this. You bang the shower on, you do your shit, have a shower. Then this is the most important part. You need to remember to go back and flush your shit away because if you flush it as soon as... You turn the shower off. Yeah, because you can't just turn the shower on, do a shit, flush it because soon as you turn the shower off yeah you because you

can't just turn the shower on do a shit flush it because they'll know that you're shitting that you're not really in the shower so you've got to so what i just get in the shower turn the shower on yes and under the cover of the sound of the shower that's when you flush i flush yes at the end right okay so i put my clothes on the toilet so i remember when i'm getting dressed don't forget under there there's a shit Don't forget to flush it. So I'm at Sophie's house. I forget to flush the shit. Yep.

And Ronaldo goes in to have a shower. And a shit? And a shit, I would say. And my brain reminds me as soon as she goes in the bathroom. But the lid's still down. But I know. Yep. What's underneath?

What's underneath? The monster underneath. So the lasagna had an egg in it. I'm allergic to egg. goes in the bathroom, but the lid's still down, but I know. Yep. What's underneath? What's underneath? What lies beneath? The monster underneath. So the lasagna had an egg in it. I'm allergic to egg. Whatever. So it wasn't a pretty one. Hang on.

This just gets worse and worse. We need a bit more. So who cooked? Sophie's boyfriend. Oh. Poisoned the egg. Yes. That's what he did.

You don't like egg? Enjoy your egg lasagna. Also, who puts egg in lasagna? Whatever. It doesn't matter. That's what he did. You don't like egg? Enjoy your egg lasagna. Also, who puts egg in lasagna? Whatever, it doesn't matter. That's a good question. So I follow Ronaldo into the bathroom and I go there's just something I need to do. And I flush the shit looking in her eyes. I flush the toilet.

Oh, right. Wow, bold. So the lid is down. So she, and I'm thinking, I hope she assumes there's just a wee in there and I'm weird about someone seeing my wee. Yes. And then I, and in my mind I go, that was a really big shit. I don't know this toilet. I don't know the buttons.

Did you do a half or a full? I did a full flush. Okay. You've got to do it. But I didn't, you know. That's weird because she's a goalkeeper and you just saved it in front of her. That's great.

She's a goalkeeper. So. Yeah. That's why I said it. I am praying with every fiber of my being that that shit is all the way gone. Yeah. Right. Every fiber.

Every fiber of my shit. And then I hear the. I love lasagna. The toilet. It's actually getting me pretty hungry. Yeah. My mom puts egg in her lasagna by the way. Does she?

It's delicious. Oh, this guy's Italian. The guy that made it is Italian. I'm just saying. Whatever. And peas as well are very good. No, no, no, no, no. It's a Sicilian put peas in the lasagna.

Let's move on. What do you have in the egg? In the what? In the bechamel? No. It's like you put it in the layers in between. Is it a boiled egg chopped up? What?

Why? You don't just crack the egg on it. No. Well, you tell us. Yeah. Well, I don't make it. I mean, you tell these guys. Yeah, I don't make it. I mean, you tell these guys. Yeah, well, I don't make it.

Yeah, yeah. It's like a layer. This is like an Aussie lasagna. Layer. You put the pineapple in. Oh, wait. It's got beetroot. It's got everything.

This guy, I think, had boiled eggs, chopped them into bits, and sort of scattered them through the layers. Yeah, something like that. What the hell is this? See, I had a... I'm off him. Sorry. Why is there a need for that? It wasn't layers. Yeah, something like that. What the hell is this? I'm off him, sorry. Why is there a need for that?

It wasn't. Beat it, Salvatore. The Italian guy doesn't know how to do lasagna. Yeah. Continue. Get him. So I think I've solved all the problems, but I know there's a sort of,

there's a knowing deep in the pit of my stomach that that shit didn't flush all the way. You know your body. You know what egg does to it. I know what's happened. This is like a horror movie, and you can just picture outside just that person rising from the deep. We didn't kill all the way. You know your body. You know what egg does to it. I know what's happened. This is like a horror movie, and you can just picture outside just that person rising from the deep. We didn't kill him after all.

Yeah. Right. I know that shit. I know it's in the bowl. Because you half flushed it. Because I full flushed it, but it was there. It was a tour. Sometimes you just know without opening the lid again.

You're like, I didn't get, you know. That full vacuum sound wasn't there. Anyway. Yeah. So my Ronaldo doesn't. My Ronaldo. I reckon she thinks that there's something going on. So she hasn't even shut.

I'm out of the bathroom. She hasn't shut the bathroom door. Without the bathroom door shut, she opens the toilet. No. And is like, Mel, you've left something in here. What the bathroom door shut, she opens the toilet lid. No. And is like, Mel, you've left something in here. What the hell? No. As I go back in, she goes, don't worry, I'll get rid of it, and flushes it.

I'd left quite a lot of my shit in there. I'm humiliated. But why would anyone open a lid? Because what are you going to find that's good? Yeah, exactly. She has to do a shit. She has to open the lid. She wanted to, I think, do a wee or whatever. So she didn't even let me see how much was left.

And I'm just like, how much was left? How much was left? It's such a romantic story. Yeah, it's beautiful. Do you think it maybe is something to do with like she wants to be able, she kind of wants to have seen your shit. So then it won't matter if you see one of hers. Because it's like then we can just end this facade and we can just shit in front of each other and it won't matter if you see one of hers because it's like then we can just end this

facade and we can just shit in front of each other it doesn't matter a year tommy of holding farts in yeah i mean pushing the is it is she do you get the sense that's an equal thing it's it we're both really both equally doing i don't think she would she would not necessarily be like oh now we can end the whole charade she's just got one up on you now. She's got one up on me. Right, right. She's got a credit. I screamed. I went into a ball on the floor and then I hear Sophie and Ronaldo firing questions at me about the shit. What?

Oh, wow. How come now they're in on us? They've come running into the bathroom to have a look. They're all in the same apartment. It's just like this. Everyone can hear everyone's business. And then I've got my head in my hands

and I'm like... Salvatore's got off the drum kit and rushed into the journey. Yes. And poked at the shit with a drumstick. And they're filming it. So they've now got evidence of me talking about my own shit. So I wanted to get the jump because once the media gets a hold of this... This is big news.

This is big news. Once this gets into the career mail. It's going to be big. Wow. And can I ask you this? You and Sophie, were you open about... Yes. Did we discuss this? Very open.

So she's... She couldn't give a fuck. So she's loving it. She's loving the gossip. And Sophie knows that I don't fart in front of Ronaldo. Right. So... But now...

Can I change your name to Ronaldinho? Because Ronaldo's just so... I don't know who ronaldinho is well he's another player but just the inyo sounds a bit more feminine it makes me think you're you're going out with a man i'm not right okay definitely not right no being there right had a go not for me ronnie chang you're right i did root ronnie chang yeah he who else have I rooted in comedy? Who have you rooted in comedy? I can't tell you. Oh, fuck.

You'd love to know. I know. You would love to know. I would absolutely love to know. You've probably already heard rumours. I don't think I have. Yeah, ask some of the gays. They'll tell you.

Nath? Did we root? No, we haven't rooted. No, you're one of the gays who I'm asking. I would love to give you something. Do we know? I honestly haven't rooted. No, you're one of the gays who I'm asking. I would love to give you something. Do we know? I honestly don't know. I don't know a single one. We don't know the people?

Yeah. Okay. Let's move on. Back to the shit. So you're getting filmed. I'm getting filmed. I'm packing back and forth. And now they've both got that over me.

This video of me openly talking about a shit. And every time I do, there's the slightest thing wrong to piss the miso or mocella off. It's a sports joke. Thank you, thank you. I'm worried that they're going to put some of it somewhere. Or, question one, that's my fear. Question two, can I now just fart and go, I remember when you saw my shit and dropped a fart.

How do you do the first fart in a relationship? It's a big one, isn't it? Well, you've passed that point, mate. Oh, no, I've put the horse before the car. Yes. I just need to go back to just doing farts. Nathan. Just do it.

Come on, mate. No, you can't. I've had that in a relationship before where we were talking. I feel like it was like a month run up to us do it. Come on, mate. No, you can't. I've had that in a relationship before where we were talking. I feel like it was like a month run up to us doing it. It feels like you do need to have a bit of pageantry around the very first one because you never get that moment again. It's a moment. It's nice.

You just let one out by accident. She's never heard. Actually, no. I reckon she would have heard some squeaks in my sleep, but not like a proper conscious, like, my full effort. Yeah, that's international waters. That doesn't count. I'm not into it.

We're still, you know. I don't think it's like the worst thing to not do it in front of each other. You know what? I had a relationship where we did it and I'll never do it again. Really? You can't go back. We don't. We've been here for like six years.

You don't fight. Do you not get pain in your stomach? Emergencies, of course. There's also what helps a lot is that we have completely different schedules. So I'm asleep most of the time when he's up doing work or vice versa. And it's very big of you with all that egg in your lasagna as well. I just don't think it's the worst thing to kind of go out of your way to kind of do your best so it doesn't happen all the time.

I agree. You don't need to treat your partner like your six-year-old brother. Yeah. I mean. Bite in their face. Sit them on the. You know, like you're going to hopefully hook up with this person often. So it's not the worst thing to keep it a little bit.

A little mystery. Separated. Thank you. Rub them their head in your shits and so on, your ex-girlfriend's toilet. Yeah. While her new boyfriend watches on. Plezzo problems. Even if you're very comfortable with someone and you share,

like you do your version of sharing everything with them. Of course. You still are having stuff that you're kind of holding back. You know what I mean? You have to. Like everyone's having some form of something. So, Carl, you don't. No.

Wow. Of all the things you do. Yeah, I know. Just little things you can do. You can leave the room. You can go to the toilet. They're very loud. Oh, right.. Just little things you can do. You can leave the room. You can go to the toilet. They're very loud. That's fine.

I don't care about hearing. That's fine. Hearing's not as bad as experiencing and sitting in it. That's a whole different that's what you've

really got to keep away from them. You and your eggs, mate. I'm almost the opposite. I think to hear it is like a personal affront. It's like you've done that on purpose to annoy me. Don't do that. I'm almost the opposite I think like to hear it is like a personal affront it's like that's

you've done that on purpose to annoy me don't do that yeah I find them I find them to be very funny number one

anything with bums is hilarious two I'm holding in farts barely that are causing cramps and pain to me

and I'm like trying to talk to her like this I think you need to get to the source of the problem and change your diet maybe you need to see a dietician I'm working I think this to her. I think you need to get to the source of the problem and change your diet. Maybe you need to see a dietician. I think this is a podcast chat for a dietician, not really a...

I love the idea that you're going to this doctor going, I really want to let one rip in front of me, missus. And she doesn't want it. So can you just... Do I eat less beans or what the fuck's going on here? Dairy? No dairy? Because also, let me bring this up.

Yes. The girlfriend before the me bring this up. Yes. The girlfriend before the soccer player. That's right. You were on this podcast a little while ago telling a story about how you'd done a shit at her house and forgotten to flush it. Yes. You're a repeat offender. I've got problems.

It's a very weird kink. All of that, to me, pales into insignificance in that you are having a sleepover at an ex-girlfriend's house. Yeah, I knew you'd lock onto that bit. Well, because that's the weird bit. Because I live in, yeah, I think I talk about it a lot. I live in Ipswich. Right. So I don't

live in Brisbane. Oh, okay. So it's a long way away and if I need to be, where they live is right near the airport, the dog. So you've moved in with the miso? No, no, no, no. I've bought a house in the worst possible suburb. It's like 37 minutes to Brisbane City. So the dog has to be shared and they live in the city and just stay over.

It's just so easy. Okay, right. But yeah, but if I lived near them, no, I wouldn't be sleeping over at their house. I just think in my relationships, like if I saw any of my ex-girlfriends on the street, we would both probably run away, let alone sleep over at each other's house. That's all. Yeah. Although the one, the one you're talking about, who I talked about last time, if I saw her,

I wouldn't be, I would not be speaking to her. Right. Really? Yeah. No, I would not be speaking to her. Right. Really? Yeah. No, I don't like her. Oh, what happened there? She farted in front of you first? No.

Oh, she broke up with me and I don't know if I even talked about this last time. No. The short version is... This is the one you took overseas? Yes. Yeah. The Acom got cancelled by like a scam website.

So I'm in Hawaii with no Acom. And so on the spot, I had to pay that day's full rates to get into a hotel, which was two and a half US, two and a half thousand US dollars. For one night? No, no, no, for like five days or something. Oh my God, still. But I'd already lost about 3,000 US dollars. Jesus Christ.

What? And she didn't give me any money towards that. Oh. Brutal. So I would not speak with her. Right. But Stephen Gerrard, on the other hand, is... Yes.

Now we're back. Yep. Liverpool. Soccer player. Is great and would never do any of those things. Stevie G. Very good. Yeah.

Yeah. Nice. So did you break up because of that situation? Yeah, well... Or that's just like a bitter sort of thing at the end of it? She broke up with me. We weren't together very long. It was just like a rebound.

We weren't together for like three months or something. Okay, right. Yeah. And you paid all that money for her on a holiday within three months? Yeah, bro. And since you broke up with her, you can now afford a house. So look at that. I sell heroin, Nathan. She must have been hot, you can now afford a house. So look at that. I sell heroin, Nathan.

She must have been hot for you to bring in a whole lot of people. Oh, I was going to Hawaii. No, okay. So the trip to Hawaii was already booked. I was already going, so I just said, why don't you come along? She paid for her own flights. That makes more sense because I was like, you are trying to impress this girl really hard. I was going anyway, and I was like, well, if you can get time off work, why don't you come?

We went over there on the same plane, but I'm in business class and she's on the same plane. What a queen. I love it. She's an economist. That's pretty funny. I'd like to join the Mile High Club, but you know. I don't want to have to walk down those stairs.

You'd like to join the walking through that little curtain club, wouldn't you? Is that another metaphor? Yeah, so once all this shit with the accommodation happened, it would be nice for her perhaps to offer some funds towards that. Absolutely. But she did not. And then a couple of days after Christmas 2018,

she was like, look, it's not working for me. And I was like, good. You haven't had a holiday in a month. Haven't had a holiday since. Anyway, but this one would never do that and it's heaps better and heaps hotter. Oh, nice. Yeah. Fuck yeah, good for you. Yeah, on the up.

Tommy, where's our drum solos? Play us out, guys. Well, that is all the time we have on the little Dumb Dumb Club for this week. Nathan, Mel, thank you so much for joining us. Pleasure. Pleasure. Mel, you've got a show coming up at the Brisbane Comedy Festival.

I do. It's called Hands on Heads. I'm only doing Brisbane and one-off in Darwin. That is it at this stage. I'm not doing the Melbourne Comedy Festival, not coming to Sydney, not coming to Adelaide. Whereas my friend Nathan. Why not?

I texted you this the other day. I was like, why aren't you doing it? Did I not tell you? Yeah, I know. I was just like I was like, why aren't you doing... Did I not tell you? Yeah, I know, but I was just like, why not? Why aren't you doing... Melbourne. Melbourne. Sydney.

Because of the mental strain and I don't make any fucking money. Because of the way this industry is structured. Doesn't stop any of the other shows in the country. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of... You've come down with a rare case of common sense is what's happened. Whereas I'm opposite to Mel, and if you're listening, for the love of God, come to my Melbourne and Sydney shows.

It's called? Call Nathanville Inn. Chatty Cathy. Great title. Thank you. That's definitely a show name that I came up with when I knew what the show was about. So this is like your Nanette. It's definitely my Nanette.

Are you trying to get, do you dress the title in the show? No, I don't. Do you come out at the start? Now, who is this? Kathy, who's so chatty. She knows what I'm talking about. This guy definitely knows what I'm talking about. I just love that little impression that Tommy just did of me.

He's been sitting on that for how long? You can't see. Your eyebrows went off the top of his head. Hands went out. And I guess in the end. He sprung up. His posture improved. You just became a better person for it. In the end... He sprung up. His posture improved. You just became

a better person for it. In the end, I guess that's when I realised I was the chatty Cathy. Good night, everyone. Great irony. Don't give away my ending.

Blackout. Fade to black. And then I took a shit in her toilet. Yay! That's how it works. So yeah, Brisbane Comedy Festival.

Sydney Comedy Festival. Canberra and Melbourne. I've already done Perth. Oh, and Adelaide. Yeah. That's a big one. So yeah, Brisbane Comedy Festival. It's all back to something on a podcast. Sydney Comedy Festival. Canberra and Melbourne. I've already done Perth. Oh, and Adelaide. Yeah. That's a big one. I can't believe you still have Adelaide to go. Adelaide to come.

How many? Nathvalvo.com? Yes, thank you. Like two weeks in Adelaide. Oh, darling. I have a really nice time in Adelaide. Do you? Yeah, I really love it.

I really do love Adelaide French. It's really nice. And I love the garden. Wow, you really don't get access to your ticket sales early, do you, if you like Adelaide? Adelaide, this is a very boring thing for only comics listening. You look at your ticket sales after your show in Adelaide and it's fine. Right. Yes.

No, look, that's a very good point. We get very hung up on looking at the book. No, you don't look at your sales even the day of. Adelaide don't want a pre-book. They don't give a fuck. There might be something in this, Carl. Yeah, Adelaide don't want a pre-book. They don't give a fuck. There might be something in this car. Yeah, yeah. You should investigate this off air.

Adelaide say, let's go have a drink and go down there and we'll see something maybe later. And that's why you don't look at your sales until they've come into the room. But don't you get an email on the day? No, I don't ask for any. I don't want to know. I get to the venue on the night and I just say something like, you know. Is it cancelled?

Yes. All right. That's Edinburgh. But, yeah, I just go like full, half, and then sometimes I'll say, it's great tonight or something. You'll be fine. You have really cut down expenses for mental health, haven't you? This is great.

I mean, I prefer people to be there. No, Carl, I think it's the opposite. I think a therapist has told him to do this. Right, right. Yes. Okay. Great. I'd much prefer people to be there. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I think looking at sales is... to do this. Right, right. Yes, okay. Great. I'd much prefer people to be there.

Don't get me wrong. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I think looking at sales is... It's a good way to do it. I remember one year I was flyering in Adelaide and I would fly to a group of four people and then I would run off and go and hide behind a tree and watch them at the box office,

wait till they'd left and then check the sale report to see if those four sales went to my show. Oh, nice! I used to be that guy. How did you do that to yourself? You've gone absolutely full circle. I had some rock bottom moments where I thought, you can't do this anymore. This can't be your life.

Yeah, of course. Wow. I've done Adelaide for like eight or nine years, so this is like back in the day. Right, right day right okay so you've learned you've learned the hard way sleepless nights to not okay squat that makes sense okay man i'll take that on board that's a great tip yeah yeah yeah just don't look and then edinburgh if you ever do it this makes you even more so not you can't can't check you can't you can't get on a flight in melbourne knowing you going to be on a plane for 24 hours

looking at a sale report that's like you've sold 18 tickets for the season. Paying $37 for in-flight Wi-Fi to check your sales. I've just flirted with the bloody guy giving me the peanuts. I'm like, there's a sale. Check me. If I buy a Jim Beam now, that's equal to my sales.

Actually, just let me out here. Thanks, Captain. Alright, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Plenty of laughs. Plenty of good times in there. Some thrills.

Some spills. If you're a thrill seeker, you'll have sought some of the things good times in there. Some thrills, some spells. If you're a thrill seeker, you'll have sought some of the things that were in that. Yeah, fun. You know what? I'm going to put a critical eye on that episode. Not, I'd say, not a through line really through it like we've been having in the last few weeks,

in the last month. No. Just a grab bag of little interesting little bits and pieces and funny laughs and things like that, but we didn't have a mission with that one. No. Is that fair to say? We had an update on the truck stop wall. We had a good chat about nudity with parents.

Yeah. That took up a bit of time. Mel's story was great. Yep. In our wheelhouse. Mm-hmm. White bits is an all-time new favourite phrase of mine that I'm glad to get into the mix.

Yeah. And I meant to say in the end, you know, ladies, if you're out there... Oh, this would be good. If you're texting back and forth with someone, try and get white bits off the ground. Oh, yeah, right. I'd like to see some examples of this, people trying to get white bits going.

I think a lady needs to say it about herself, potentially. A guy soliciting for it is creepy in the same way that the guy who sent it to my friend is. But ladies, feel free to try and get it in the mix and let us know how maybe we can, you know, certainly in all my research, this isn't a phrase that exists at all, but maybe we can turn it into a phrase. Yeah, if you can put out a message to someone you already know and just to see what their reaction is.

A partner. So like, hey, looking forward to getting home and showing you the white bits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See what the response is. Yeah, yeah. Is this us? Are we launching a viral challenge? The little dum-dum club white bits challenge.

Is this coming up in police records and we're going to get blamed for... Please say white bits responsibly. Yep. a go guys yep uh like we said at the top of the show we got things to plug we got uh the 500th episode rapidly selling tickets still uh april 25 saturday night uh two other shows in melbourne saturday 4th and 11th at 4pm. Yes, sir. At the European Beer Cafe, there are still some tickets available. But I feel like all shows are going to sell out well in advance. So if you want to go to those shows, please get a ticket now to avoid disappointment or get a show to guarantee disappointment.

To avoid us having our time wasted by messages in the inbox oh guys i left it eight months and now it's sold out yeah anything you can do we're too busy getting messages from people going we didn't get the patreon episode this month did you check your spam box no okay cool see ya so we're great a fantastic use of time yes it's it's it's it's it's great shit um and we need more confusing time-wasting admin so yeah as we've said many times on the show uh it is a two man operation so we handle everything around here where we're the ceos but we're also right down to customer support yeah it's all us. You know when people say, oh God, what a success story.

I was in the mailroom and within a couple of years, I was the CEO. Well, we're doing both of those every day. We're in the mailroom and we're the CEO every day. We're up in the penthouse office, but we're still ducking down every now and then to just check in what's going on in the mailroom. We have like a two-second rags to riches story

where we're literally checking the mail and then we're doing the CEO stuff two seconds later, but we're also a riches to rags story two seconds after that. Yes, exactly. We're going back to the moment. Keeps us humble. It just shows us how quickly it can all be taken away from us because routinely it is.

Fun time. So please come along to one of those shows. Of course, as you said, at the top of the show, Adelaide and Brisbane are sold out. I don't know. If we get really close to the time, I don't know whether we can add any tickets or something maybe. We're already over cap, aren't we?

Yeah, I think so. Maybe Adelaide we can fit someone in maybe. But anyway, let us know when it gets close. At Brisbane, I think we might be in trouble for doing that. So maybe not. But anyway, look, I'm not against being asked that question because if the answer is yes, we can get more money for this, then I'm happy to say the answer is yes. Yeah.

But we just have to check. Sweet. So come along and press the flesh with us. Say hello. Press the flesh? Yeah. That's a handshake, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah. Come along and say hello and see the show. It sounds dirtier than it is Yeah My head initially goes to sex Yeah It feels more Apt for sex

Than it does for just shaking hands I immediately Take an image of someone Of a man Sticking his dick up against a piece Like a shower glass Like a shower wall Oh the dead rat

And then What? Haven't you ever heard that one? No The dead rat No Smooshing the cock up against the glass ever heard that one? No. The dead rat. No. Smooshing the cock up against the glass. Never heard that one.

Really? No. There you go. Right. God, isn't it thrilling when you hear a new phrase? It's not so much the phrase as it is that you would need a phrase for the act of doing that. Oh, right.

It's that common that it needs a nickname. I didn't even think of anyone that, you know, that should happen enough for it to need a name. I heard a new one recently that was, fuck off and when you get there, fuck off again. Oh, nice. Because to me that sort of says, but if you're there, if you fucked off, if you're there and then you're fucking off again, aren't you sort of just coming back from whence you came?

So I'm going to have to deal with you again. Right. Just fuck off the once will do me. I imagine it's more like fuck off and then, yeah, you can still see him. And you go, no. No, no, no. You haven't fucked off enough. You're on the horizon.

I don't want you in my line of sight at all. Well, it does – it is slightly confusing because you go, well, you haven't really fucked off. If I can still see – if you can still hear me giving you this direction, then... Yeah. You haven't fucked off. You haven't fucked off. You're a bit of a...

As my wife very often says to me, you're a bit of a half-doer. Ah. I'll half do a job. Right. Interesting. I'm a big one for filling up the sink with water, putting the dishes in, cleaning a few of the dishes, and that'll do. Really?

Yep. And what's the thinking? Something comes up and distracts you or I can deal with that later? Thinking is, here's how I do the dishes. Sink, half full. Dishes in. I think you'd say it is half empty, but anyway. Fair, fair. Put the glasses in first.

Yep. Maybe a bit of cutlery. Mm-hmm. Then walk away. Let them soak. Let them simmer. Let them simmer. Yep.

Yep. Come back 10, 15 minutes later maybe. They're nice and soft. They're ready to go. Ready to get washed. Yeah, you've loosened up the grime. Yes, exactly. It's on the ropes.

Exactly. It's dizzy. I've been doing rope-a-dope. It's ready for the taking. Soap-a-dope. Soap on the rope. Yuck. And then I give them a good scrub.

And it's like meat falling off the bone. It's beautiful. The slow cooker. Yeah, exactly. The slow cooker of cleaning. Glassware, yeah. So all that cordial just falls off, falls off the glassware. Great.

Oh, easy. Put them, give them a little bit of a rinse under the tap. Make sure there's no soup on it. Put them on the tea towel. Round two. Put the new dishes in. Put the slightly, of course, I'm going from least dirty dishes in first to most dirty dishes. You're working up to it.

Yeah. Yeah. So put the round two in. Boom. See, that's when I subconsciously I think, I've done enough work here. And I might forget the second round. And then all of a sudden, it's the morning. And it's like, why didn't you do the dishes?

Why did you just leave them half done? Yeah. And then so my wife will be more like you just put them in straight away and you scrub them straight away i'm like yeah but there's unnecessary muscle action being put into there you know no i mean i couldn't i like doing it all in one hit because i would be i yeah if i was ever doing that i'd same thing i get easily distracted right like i would you know it's like you walk away someone calls you then you forget what you're in the middle of doing yeah there is no greater feeling i think i like doing dishes yes you've done like a big cook if you've got

you've dirtied the pan you've dirtied the pot everything's just filthy the feeling at the end of a job well done of just looking at that, tea towel at maximum capacity, everything sitting there drying. Then it's like, especially if it's at night, probably maybe often for me, last thing I'm doing before I get into bed, feels great. I completely agree. And if my plan went to fruition, that's how it would feel every time. That's what you're chasing.

Yes. But sometimes life has other plans. Exactly. Sometimes life is what happens when you're making other plans when you've taken a gap in between the first round of glasses and the second round of life is what happens between the glasses and the bread and butter plates yep so uh a lot of the time i've i fucked it and either someone else has to come in and take over go you're not doing these now i've got to do them no i, I was planning on doing them. Yeah.

Well, it looks a lot to me like you're fucking around on your laptop. Oh, domestic bliss. Sure, it looks like that. Yeah. But what's happening is it's simmering. I'm loosening things up. You just, you got to, you know, genius doesn't just happen like that. Yeah.

Does it? I don't want to be on Messenger calling someone a cunt. Dishes have left me with no option. Exactly. What about this? So I got into a bit of a run for a little bit where, and I'm out of this habit now, but I had a couple of months where I felt like time was getting away from me too much.

And I'm not proud of this. And it's very, it's very bougie. And it is very like bougie. What's that mean? Well, so a couple of times I got a cleaner. I looked up what a cleaner costs.

I paid to have a cleaner in. Just a couple of times. A little treat. A little treat for daddy. Off it now. Stop doing it. But I had two things in a row where one time someone came in and then I didn't notice this until a couple of days later,

maybe even up to a week, two weeks after this. I didn't notice this until a couple of days later, maybe even up to a week, two weeks after this. But I looked at my stove and what do you call it? So see on the stove, the little black thing that's on top of the stove, like on the actual jet, on the burner. What's the black thing that's like? The little bits that stop the pots from going directly onto the burners. No, no, no. Not that. The round bit.

Oh, the little round bit that goes on top of the metal bit. Yeah. Like a little circle. Yeah. So that one you're touching... Little metal bit. That one you're touching right now. Yep.

Two weeks after this cleaner had been here one time, I realise it's gone. Oh, what? I'm looking in all the cupboards. I'm like, where the fuck's this burner gone? I'm like, I feel like I'm going out of my mind. And by that point, like, they give you like a kind of grace period of like a day or so after the thing to sort of like. Have they stolen anything from your house? But then I was like, I feel insane even.

I can't chase this up. I feel insane even asking this. Yeah. Because what's in it? It's not like, oh, this expensive watch is gone. Yeah. I see what's happened here. Yeah. What's in it for them? Stealing a burner. Well, you know what's in it It's not like Oh this expensive watch is gone Yeah I see what's happened here Yeah

What's in it for them Stealing a burner Well you know what's in it They wanted a burner Someone had done it to them Someone had done it to them Yeah Well

Then Next time I get a cleaner in Oh They leave Yes I come in Burner magically back on there What

Yeah That's great So that one you touched Yeah that was the one that disappeared and then it just showed back up one day. After having a clean... Now, same company, different cleaner. Right, that was my next question. No, no, yeah.

Notably a different cleaner. Notably. No, yeah, I can recognise when people are different. Right. I'm not Dr Karl, I don't have face blindness Right So And a very nice way of saying

One time one of them was brown And another time they weren't No no Because I did have the same people A couple of times in a row Right So This was

This was like a fresh person Right So I don't know Maybe Maybe Do you think Maybe the company company busted this original couple for taking the burner. And then they're like, well, they're gone. Next time someone's, if he books in again, if he can ever forgive us,

if he books in again, we've got to give this burner to the new cleaner and get them to sneak it in. What about if you've got a bit of a utility belt when you go and do this job and you're so you've always got spare burners and then the first time that person was caught short went i don't have a spare burner fuck i better get one and just flogged it yeah and then you just happen to get you got paid forward where the next time they come over because their job is you're always gonna have a spare burner and that, boom, oh, they don't have one. Chuck the spare burner back on. Yeah.

Yeah. So the philosophy was sort of flawed in a way, but it did pay off in the end. It worked out for me. Yeah. Well, I mean, that month or so where I didn't have a burner on there, like when I saw that it was missing, and it's one of those great things where you just go, where the fuck do I even get one of these from? Like I was just like – And also, I think we've been calling it a burner for like five minutes.

I'm positive that's not the name of it. No, it's not. Someone told me – I was telling someone this the other day and they did tell me the name, but I can't remember it. Because it's not burning anything. It's just a thing. It's just a bit of black metal that sits on top and makes sure that your pot isn't being absolutely burnt to shit.

What does it do? So it sits on the flame and it distributes the flame more evenly and it heats up and then it's creating heat too, I guess. Yes, yes. But I honestly was just like, I wouldn't even know where to go to get a replacement one of these. I guess that that stove, that bit of the stove, that jet or whatever is just out of action forever.

Yeah. I was just like, I'm only operating at three out of action forever yeah I was just like I've only got three I'm only operating at three out of four from now on yeah and look when it comes time

to move out of this place and the inspection gets done as I'm moving out well I don't know how I'm going to have this conversation with the real estate agent

but that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I come to it but hey it all worked out yeah maybe they just found it in a drawer

that I hadn't looked in yeah yeah maybe but even then like what are they just poking it in a drawer that I hadn't looked in. Yeah, yeah, maybe. But even then, like, what are they, just poking through all the cupboards here? I fucking love the idea that, I mean, what seems to have happened is that someone's got to spare one of those things that we don't even know the name of. Like, what the fuck is it? Why would you have a spare one?

Yeah, so these people are swimming in these. We don't even know what they're called. Yeah. These people are light years ahead of us. How many, what other spare things do you have? What are the, they got a fucking, you know,

like a, a spare door of the washing machine or? Yeah. What's other stuff in a house that's like super annoying to lose that is just like where, like those things that you don't even know

really what function they do and then you're just forced into the position of having to get one and you're like, honestly, and also a thing where it's like, this could be $2 or it could be $400.

Yes. Nothing would surprise me. Yeah. Are they going around like, you know, checking the levels of the table? Yeah. You know, just like with a little bit of rubber to stick underneath one of the legs just in case there's a bit of a wobbly table. Exactly.

That'd be good. Instead of cleaning, just making sure your house is right and correct. That'd be good. That's pretty good. Servicing your house. I don't house is right and correct. That would be good. That's pretty good. Servicing your house. I don't mind that at all. Yeah. Like a car.

You bring your car in and they give it a service. They look at everything. Oh, this is missing that or that could be topped up or whatever. A house service would be good. Don't just clean it. Fix it. Yeah, but what's in there that's specifically not clear? They go through the TV and they make sure the settings are all right.

Some people, you go to their house and you're like, what's going on with the fucking color and the contrast on this thing? Classic when you stay at like Airbnbs and it's just someone who doesn't give a fuck. They've still got it on all the factory settings. I mean, come on. I would do that. I would cop that at the moment because little baby Blanket's favorite toy at the moment is the TV remote. Yep.

Doesn't care what she's fucking doing. Doesn't realize it's a remote. Doesn't care? Yeah. Just loves grabbing doing. Doesn't realize it's a remote. Doesn't care. Yeah. Just loves grabbing it. Knows that it's doing something. Smashing the buttons. Yeah.

Smashing the buttons. For some reason, loving the volume button. Great. Go straight to the volume button and sits there until Channel 9's on volume 100. Absolute maxed out. Yep.

Yep. And has done stuff to the contrast and to the screen ratio that I don't know how to fix. It's brutal. So I'm watching the tennis. I have to literally be on the internet while I'm watching the tennis to know what the scores are. Great. Because the scores have been cropped out of the fucking TV and I don't know how to fix it.

Oh, she's put like a zoom mode on or something. That's great. That's truly incredible. Yeah. So that's part of the service. Please. Thank you. I'm a big like, yeah, I do. I the service please thank you I'm a big like

yeah I do I like good picture quality I'm a bit of a like yeah I like I like the screen I like my viewing experience to be optimal

and then sometimes you know you go to someone's house and you're watching a movie or whatever and it's like you gotta bite your tongue because you just how the fuck do people live like this

yeah right some piece of shit speaker. Yeah. The color's all blown out. Yeah, yeah. Ugh. Yeah, you would probably think that of mine then because I don't touch factory settings.

I'll try and fix it for you. Yeah, go for it. I'll try and fix the colors and stuff. Go for it. I've still got fucking captions on from when my in-laws come over and they need the fucking captions on. Incredible. A, I don't know how to, you know, I'm sure I can figure it out,

but I can't be fucked. But also, B, I've come to love it. I've noticed that when I've gone around to your house and you've got the TVs on mute and the subtitles are on. It's like being in fucking Subway or something. Yeah. I quite like it because it's like the times where I go, oh, I didn't quite catch that.

I'm like, how about I just wait three seconds and read it? Because there's a bit of a delay as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. If you try and read them while you've got the volume on as well, you do feel like you're going insane. It's very distracting because I can't help but read them. And every day I'm thinking about the life of someone who's captioning it.

Oh, yeah. I'm thinking about that person all the time. Yeah. About how they do their job, how quickly were they to start with, how to get fired from that job. I applied to do that once. Oh, really? Yeah.

A friend of mine did it for a job and posted that they were looking for people. And then I can't remember. I don't think I even – I think maybe the hours of it were a bit weird that was like made it hard for me to do for whatever reason. This is ages and ages ago. How quick can you type? I type pretty quick. Can you?

Yeah. But it doesn't just come down to that. It's like a weird thing where you've got to be... I think they make you do some tests because you've got to be listening at the same time. It's not just typing. But you also don't have an actual keyboard. You have like a...

I think it's phonetic. Someone listening will know more about this. But it's not – so you're not listening to dialogue and having to type out the full word. You're having – you've got a keyboard that's just got like – the keys are all just like, you know, the first half of words and sounds and stuff. So I think you're having to learn how to use that. I could be completely wrong, but that's my understanding. But, hey, what I'm not wrong about is uh the fact that we this show is on patreon and if you want smooth you can subscribe to it and uh get some

bonus content every month we send out a magazine we send out a bonus episode great response to the most recent bonus episode that we sent out the history of comedy part one with ben lomas where we talk about the uh sort of our early memories of open mics in Melbourne and boy, it gets, it's real behind the curtain stuff and people frothing on it. Yeah. I didn't really expect people would love it that much, but you know, there's a lot of passion going into it because there's nothing we like more than talking about shit old comedy

rooms and gigs and comics and fucked things that have happened at gigs. Yeah. And Lomas came in here and he was in the highest spirits I've seen him in in a long time. Exactly. He was fired up and ready to go. It's a beautiful example of matching someone with their absolute perfect number one piece of hitting zone. Totally.

Yeah. That's his thing. Yeah. So we ran out of time on it. We are going to do a part two. Is there still time for people to subscribe and get part two? Probably not. Probably not.

Okay. Well, I mean, look, if people that, I mean, we've done that with a couple of episodes before, but maybe there's a,

there's a case to be made that we put them on sale. Yeah. Yeah. We might do that down the line. Yeah. But, but anyway, get on Patreon.

You can get that stuff. But hey, more importantly than hearing us shit on Open Mic Comedians from when we started, you can also hear us lovingly pay tribute and homage to your name in this little segment of the show where we read out a different number of names every week. This, of course, is Talking Dumb Dumb. Welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb. Oh, yeah, they've done it again.

Yeah, we started that a while back. Please subscribe. Of course, he's TalkingDumbDumb. Welcome to TalkingDumbDumb. Oh, yeah. They've done it again. Yeah. We started that a while back. Now, of course, if you join patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club, you can get a magazine. You get a bonus episode depending on the tiers of payment that you chuck in. And, of course, the $5 and $10 people go into the mix of getting your name read out at some point. You get your name chucked into the unplanned title alternator. And every week we randomly read out a bunch of names. Who knows how many?

Who knows what names are going to be? So let's start that now. Thank you to Patreon subscriber number one, Cab, off the rank this week. Thank you to Alex Pol. P-O-L-A-L-E-X-P-O-L-L. There was a name that you said something about before we started recording. No. This isn't that one.

No. I don't know. I mean, hypothetically, as you were putting the thousands of names into the machine, there was one that stuck out to you that you were like, boy, I hope this one comes up. Yes. And this wasn't it. This wasn't it.

No. This is... Yeah, look, I hope that one comes up. The look on your face when you put it in, I certainly hope it comes up too. Yeah. But this is not it. But, you know, this is a good one.

Yeah. Who doesn't love a bit of poll? POL. Who doesn't love a bit of poll? Ah, what? POL. Who doesn't like to vote? Yeah. Who doesn't like the exit polls? Who doesn't like democracy?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's a fair point. And, boy, they're having a big old meal of it over in the United States of America at the moment, aren't they? Oh, yeah. Politics, you know, it's all going the right way in the world at the moment. I'm really enjoying it. What was the last poll that you took part in? I like to put polls in our Facebook group.

I try and do like a rad dad. Yeah, what's the best song by this band? What's the best song by this random band? Yeah. What have you done so far? No Doubt. No Doubt. Oasis.

Oh, yeah. I'm trying to... I try and put it like a Rad Dad poll. Trying to find like different interesting 90s or... A band of his era and tastes. Yeah. Kind of thing, yeah. Someone with at least four or five different good songs that you can make an even little competition.

Yeah. Yeah. Which I thought the No Doubt one was good. Yeah, the No Doubt one was really good. Yeah. Kind of reminded me of some great No Doubt songs. Hadn't listened to No Doubt in a very long time. Yeah.

It gave me a good listen. No Doubt was great. Had some very good songs. Yeah. So that's as political as I get. The best songs of No Doubt. Yeah. The best songs of Oasis. I tend to –. The best songs of No Doubt. Yeah. The best songs of Oasis.

I tend to, in terms of No Doubt songs, I tend to lean left. I don't go for the right wing. Right. No Doubt songs. What's the No Doubt version of leaning left? I would say It's My Life. Yep. Yeah? Very fair. You Life. Yep. Yeah.

Very fair. You think? Yep. That seems, that sort of seems left maybe. That's pretty left, yeah. I don't know what right would be. Yeah. Don't Speak maybe.

Don't Speak's pretty right. That sounds right wing. Yeah. Gas them all. Yeah. I don't know what they were thinking with that one. Keep the muzzies out. That's probably right. Yeah. Gas them all. Yeah. I don't know what they were thinking with that one. Keep the muzzies out. That's probably right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Again, once you really delve into the deep cuts, they've got some pretty questionable material. Yeah. It's funny that no one's ever really worked this out before. No one's really touched on that before. Well, until I put the pole up, yeah. Yeah.

We didn't know. Alex Pole. P-O-double-L. P-O-L-L. P-O-L-L. What's that life like? Do you think he shortened that for our... Oh, do you think it's a he? Or she?

Or they? I... I'm looking them up. Looking them up on the book. It reeks of a bit of... It's a girl. It's a girl, right. It reeks of a bit of...

So that is her... It reeks of, you know, it being a name that's a bit longer, that she's just gone. These idiots are going to fucking absolutely butcher this, so I'm just going to put in Paul. Oh, do you think so? Well, maybe. You know what I mean?

I'd understand that. If it was like, you know, something like Paula Chenevsky or something like that, I could see her being like, you know what, every week I have to listen to these two fucking morons stumble over some fucking Eastern European name, try and make a lazy guess as to where it's from, and I've got a choice here. I don't want to subject the listeners to that at the hands of my name. Sure. I'm just going to put down P-O-L-L.

It doesn't reek of that to me. It just seems like that's the hands of my name sure i'm just going to put down p-o-l-l it doesn't reek of that to me it just seems like a that's the name uh but my love to the name alex love it do you yeah i think i i think i did i think i pitched it as a baby name ah i like it right but unfortunately who's going to be the first person that works out what your baby's name actually is just by process of elimination of just the number that you've gone, wanted it, wife said no. Just the idea that there's someone out there with a big baby naming book and every time one of these comes up, they're like, yes. And then in like 10 years, they're like finally crossed out every other name.

It's Steve Buscemi and Billy Madison just crossing names off the wall whilst wearing lipstick. Whilst wearing lipstick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yep, Alex, sorry, that's not you. Right. If someone subscribes that has the exact same name as my child, you get your money refunded for a month. Wow.

Yeah. Interesting. You have to have the same last name as well. Oh, okay. Yeah. So, basically... If my child subscribes to this show, she'll get one month off. She'll get one month off.

She'll get the content for free. Yeah. Wow. Good for her. Pretty good. Yeah, not a bad deal. Pretty good, yeah. And, you know, she's...

You know what? When this episode goes out, it is her first birthday. On that... On that day. On this exact day. Yes. Ah, happy is her first birthday. On that day. On this exact day. Yes. Ah, happy birthday blanket. Yes. And she's already got a present in the mail from absolute comedy pest, Marja Cody.

Really? Nick Cody's mum. Lovely. She's lovely. But you never know what the fuck she's going to do next. Yeah. So she sent a Christmas present to my child in the mail. Cool.

Which was great. Some good shit. Yeah, nice. The baby was into it. So a good choice. Gave me one of those, basically like a big cup that has like slightly smaller cups in the middle oh yeah I know what you're talking about yeah yeah

like a babushka doll of cups yep baby absolutely loves that blankets like likes nothing more than to get that

and just take because it's supposed to teach you know a baby to take them out and put them back in again doesn't like the putting stuff back in stuff

just grabbing stuff and fucking piffing she might be like you with the dishes she's got halfway through she's taking it out she's letting them simmer there on the carpet they can all get some oxygen otherwise the smaller one can't breathe that's fair that's fair she knows what it's like to be trapped in something for a long time and then want to get out you you know? She is. My wife is a bit annoyed that our child seems to not be taking after her in any way at the moment in terms of looks, character. Yeah. I think we're all annoyed at that.

Yeah. It doesn't bode well for the future. Yeah, when she gets conscious enough to know what she is, she's going to be annoyed. Yeah. But yeah, she's going to be annoyed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, she's – there's another trait, half-doer. So, Karen Cody sending a – Oh, yeah, a huge parcel that I had to go.

I just – you know, that great thing when you go to your mailbox and you have like a card saying you've got a parcel. Oh. Fuck, this is good. Great feeling. I'm going gonna get something good here i hate getting it though when it's like say you're out in the afternoon you get home at like 501 yeah and it's like god damn now i've got to wait until tomorrow yeah i hate that feeling

i have been getting some good ones lately where i've been ordering books and stuff online and then good on the mailman just been fucking somehow shoving it through the mail slot um you know probably half fucking the books and whatever but it's like cool now i don't have to go and pick it up or anything my old house i used to have a very small mailbox and every decent sized mailbox everything would end up at the local post office right here real tiny little mailroom style in an apartment building mailbox stuff routinely just gets left in there right like big packages doesn't matter who they're for there's be like sometimes you walk through there and there's like eight just like big bags of stuff for various people in the building yeah just so

for whatever reason the mailman's decided nah these cunts don't need her yeah and the post office is next door to this building there's one so close too so it would not be a hassle at all right i don't know what i don't know what it's about well so i get the i get the slip today and And the post office is next door to this building. Oh, right. There's one so close too. So it would not be a hassle at all. Right. I don't know what it's about. Well, so I get the slip today and I'm like, I'm on my way out. I'm like, easy. You know, I don't have a lot of time where I've just got time to myself to go to the post office and do it.

I'm usually at work or I've got a child. Not very easy to get to the post office, blah, blah, blah. So I'm like, easy. Go and do this. And I'll pick up this little parcel on the way and then I'll go straight to Tommy's house for the podcast. Yep. Get there.

The parcel is a box, I don't know, four foot long. Won't fit in the car? I didn't bring the car, I walked. Ah, right, right, right, okay. I walked. I just thought, oh, this will be some sort of, for a second I was like, oh, this will be another one of these books that I've bought. It'll be a book or Ah, right, right, right. Okay. I walked. I just thought, oh, this will be some sort of – for a second, I was like, oh, this will be another one of these books that I've ordered. It'll be a book or a – yeah, yeah, okay.

It'll be a book. All right, all right, all right. And then I realized, I've looked at the postage card and it's like, well, I've spelt my name wrong on this postage card. So, yeah, this probably isn't something I've ordered. Right. So, this just shows that Mrs. Cody Doesn't know How to spell my name Doesn't know who you are

Yeah May have said it To someone else Accidentally Are you gonna do I was actually talking About this with someone Yesterday

Not you specifically But this in general Are you gonna have A first birthday party For your child I am doing a What I think is Something for the greater good

We are Family only Yep Not gonna be one of those People that goes ask the friends to come to a baby's birthday party a friend of mine is on a run of having to go to one of them nearly every weekend yeah and is just like not the right thing is it good lord it's just i mean you know you get it it's like more power to you you had a kid great very happy for you the

number of like then activities of like cool now, now I'm giving up my Saturday. Just sit in your house and watch your kids sit there at this event that will not be fun for adults. You know what I was thinking? Like we were talking about this yesterday and thinking a cool vibe of it would be, hey, you know what? We've made it a year of being parents. How cool is this? It's been a full year. So what you do is take the child to a babysitter.

Yeah. Just have a boozy dinner. Just have friends around. We're celebrating us being parents for a year. How cool is that? This is my thought. So this is what's going to happen. So party on the weekend for the family because they all want to be part of something like

that. Yep. Of course. For them. And then it's a nice little thing for us to have to be able to do something different around a child. We haven't had a child that's had a birthday before. Yep. So that's all fun and games.

Yep. But I'm doing the right thing by not including any friends. If they want to come over and see the child at any stage, everyone's free to do that. But I don't need to fuck up someone's weekend by committing them to that. But more importantly, so the actual birthday is today when this episode goes out, so it's Wednesday. So the child has a little blanket that has fucking heaps of toys. Yep.

She's been well covered before birth. She's been well covered by Christmas. Yep. No presents on Wednesday. But like you have hinted at, present for the wife for being a mother for a year. Yeah. Yep.

That's the thing to celebrate. Exactly. Yeah. So that's the way I'm going to play it. Yeah, right. Yeah. So free ticket to basement comedy on Saturday night? That'd be good.

No, no, no, no, no. She has been to comedy. What about this? Look, we're devoting a lot of time to Alex Pohl. And by that, I mean just talking and not really saying anything about her. You know. My wife does not go to comedy at all. But you've made mention of having a girlfriend now.

Been to comedy yet? No. No comedy yet? No comedy yet. Now, this is interesting. I'd love to know when her first appearance at comedy happens. The world of comedy. Yeah, I know.

What she makes of it. Yeah yeah there's a lot to make of it yeah maybe we could get a review of her of what what she sees yeah i would love you know what what about this what about this and you don't need to ask her uh uh make a big make a big thing of it but i'd love to hear her first impressions of when she meets our our mutual friends friends of the show yeah okay yeah i can do that yeah she won't hold back either on stage or off stage or however it works yeah yeah yeah doable maybe maybe yeah okay all right see what Yeah? Doable? Maybe. Maybe. Yeah. Okay. All right. See what you can do. Yeah. I'll leave you with it.

Okay. Yeah. Thanks, Alex. Thanks, Alex. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Neil. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. I need to run up it again. Yeah, here we go. Neil Yakupov.

I think I've done it. Yakupov. Yakupov. Y-A-K-U-P-O-V. Yakupov. The Yakpov. The point of view of a yak. Yes.

I think you've done... You might be wrong, but I wouldn't have done it any differently. Yakupov. You've done as well as you or any man could do. Yes. With the tools that you've been given. Exactly. I really felt like I was running up to that going,

I don't know how I'm going to do this. And it was like running up to jump off a cliff and going, I don't know if I can do this. And then I just went head first and did a beautiful swan dive. You think you can't do it and then you just go. You just got to close your eyes and lean forward. Yes. That's what I did there.

Would you have a skydive? I like the idea of it, but I just can't see myself doing it. There's too many – yeah, I'm the same. And there's just too many points where you can opt out that – Yeah. You know what I mean? Like getting on the plane and then even when you're in the plane, you don't necessarily have to do it. I don't know what i mean like getting on the plane and then even when you're in the plane you don't necessarily have to do it i don't even like the idea of

getting in the plane because it's like you know light aircraft i just don't trust it i knew a guy a friend of mine his neighbor who i would see every now and then when i was around it because they were like friends the neighbor would like come around and hang out like kramer style um and then one day my friend called me up because I didn't have a direct line to this guy and was like, oh, I just thought I should let you know that neighbour who you've met a few times, he died the other day. And the way he died was he was skydiving fanatic, would do it like once a week.

And so it's kind of like he died skydiving. And it's like obviously very sad but it's just one of those things where if you're skydiving all the time, you're playing the odds. you know it's a bit like well i guess the thing that is meant to happen finally happened yeah yeah exactly you jumped out of a plane yeah many many many many times yes so it's like i mean it truly is he died doing what he loved like he literally did yeah but no you're completely right it's like how many times do you have to jump out of a plane before the the right and proper thing happens well it was a weird one because it's obviously very sad he was like pretty young like obviously very sad for his family and friends and everyone who's left behind but you know he signed that waiver like yeah hundreds of times like he's

getting in there every time not like in your head, well, this could be the one. Yeah. It's the story. Yeah. Having to break it to someone and going, you'll never guess what happened. He jumped out of a plane and died. Yeah. Yep.

It's a real shame. I'm a big putting my head in the oven enthusiast. Yeah. Do it every weekend. Usually nothing to write home about. It's a real shame, you know, I'm a big putting my head in the oven enthusiast. Yeah, yeah. And do it every weekend. Usually nothing to write home about. I got my license and I've done it 50 times, but driving 100K down the street on the wrong side of the road didn't pay off this one time.

Yeah. I love hanging from my roof. I love massaging. I love the feel of rope around my neck. Love the massaging of my throat on a bit of nylon. Well, I guess that is, you know, people die doing autoerotic asphyxiationaging of my throat on a bit of nylon. Well, I guess that is, you know, people die doing

autoerotic asphyxiation. Yeah. It's a bit of that. It's like, I'm playing the odds. Yeah. I'm swimming with sharks. Yep.

It's, which is another way of going, of dying, you know, working at like a SeaWorld or something. Yep.

Yep. Getting taken out by one of the animals. Yep. Yakupov. Yakupov. Yakupov. I feel like if we have enough names like this to read out, we will kill ourselves as well.

I don't know if we've ever done, you know, we quite often, frequently, pretty much every single one, we go off on a tangent. And I would like to know from people, you know, every now and then we say to people, let us know this week, hit us up on social media if this is the case for you. Do you feel like our chat off the back of your name when we went on a tangent, does that kind of encapsulate your vibe, do you think? So that was kind of a morbid chat talking about someone passing away doing what they love.

Maybe Yakupov has a bit of a morbid view of things. Maybe he's a bit of a depressive character. Maybe he would hear that and go, you know what, that really suits my vibe. You've really nailed it there with what you talked about. Or maybe, you know, what about this? Sometimes people can hear the riff off the back of their name and sometimes people go, oh, I really love that. Or sometimes they go, oh, a little bit disappointed.

Maybe if someone thinks their name might be coming up soon send a request okay yeah let us know what you want us to talk about what sort of uh this is improv what sort of feel yeah yeah yeah like uh go okay well i'm i'm i'm pretty i'm pretty full-on you can go as hard as you want um about whatever you want about or maybe give yourself a little bit more detail. Maybe it is truly like improv. We need a hobby, a tone, and a location. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally.

If you want to give any further detail. Getting bummed angrily on the beach. Go, boys! Yes. If you want to do our job for us in any more extra way, we'd love that. Come round and wash the dishes for us. Yep.

Please. Suck our little dickies. Whatever you can do to help us out. Thanks, Neil. Thanks, Yakupov. Something about doing this part of the show makes me really tired. I agree.

It's six o'clock and I'm fucking rooted. Yeah. I've got to go and do a gig. Yeah. I want to try and get to the gym after this. Oh, really? Yeah.

I went this morning. Good feeling. Doing the morning. I know. That's why I want to do it. Doing the morning though and then the rest of the day you're feeling good. I know. Yeah.

Saw my nemesis at the gym today. Just this fat guy with a ponytail that just, I just, it just annoys me. I just look at him and he seems, Comic book guy from The Simpsons. It looks like that. He doesn't, no beard though. Okay,

right. I think I've talked about him before, but he, one of these guys that, he annoys me because he seems like nothing has happened the whole time he's been at the gym. Okay. And he's been a person that stands at my machine as i'm doing it and just passive aggressively just stands there waiting for me to finish it's like cunt there's another 40 machines

that you can sit on and do nothing on like you're gonna do i'll tell this quickly and then let's speed it up because i would love to get to this class i went to my gym i went to a class on australia day on the sunday and they had they play like these specially made mixes at my gym and they had a special australia day one and this voiceover came on like you know like a drop in the middle of the mix and was like happy australia day from all of us here at this gym to all the blokes and sheilas out there and you know so you know in this current day like kind of hyping up aust up Australia Day as a thing in and of itself, there's a case to be made that that is like culturally, you know,

problematic in a variety of different ways, which is something that I do agree with. So that voiceover happens. So it's already like this is pretty dodgy. And then because the voiceover is so kind of naff, like it's so lame, a guy going like, ah, blokes and sheilas. One of the trailers who's near me makes eye contact with me and kind of like motioning up at the speakers goes, how gay? Like, just like, fucking hell, this is a dense, this is a dense 30 seconds that I've just sat through.

Like, where do you even begin in dissecting everything that's going on in this room right now? Where do you even begin in dissecting everything that's going on in this room right now? Look, and again, we'll speed this up after this. But you know what I find interesting? Sometimes on the socials, listeners will say something like, I'll go out there and say something politically, slightly politically, whatever. And they'll go, oh, yeah, it's sort of a surprise that you're left-leaning and not right-leaning. And I'm always like, I just find that so amusing because it's like,

oh, you just act like such a cunt all the time that you must be right-wing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no, no, no. I think what I am is actually what the left needs more of. You need someone with way more cunt that's going to be very left-leaning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because people seem to respond to leaders that have just got cunt in them. Yeah, that's a good point. And so I'm hereby applying to be the leader of the Labor Party.

Great. Yeah. It is funny because we keep it pretty – we don't really delve into stuff like that. Yeah. Really at all on the show. Yeah. By, you know, by choice. We just feel like that's not what this is.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. And, you know i i don't need well whatever but every now and then on social media stuff is kicking off and you realize well you know we have a platform we should you know use it to say something about something yeah we want to make a huge habit of it but i think that catches people off guard just saying anything i think catches people off guard a little bit yeah yeah, yeah. Like, I think we like to... I don't want to be a person that goes, oh, I would never talk about politics because

I don't want to offend anyone or sway anyone. Look, hey, ask me. You know, I would like to kill every cunt that's right-wing in the world. I think that's the way of keeping this world alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck everyone, including people that listen to this show, that vote right in any way. You should actually kill yourself and it would make the world a better place. 100% is what I believe.

Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Even if you're like me, even if you like this show, even if you think, I don't want to hear this and I wouldn't listen anymore if you're going to say it once more, I'll say it once more. Kill yourself if you vote for the Liberals in Australia. Yeah.

You're a fucking, I won't go that far, but anyway. The numbers just absolutely plummet now. We're like, oh, my God. You are absolutely fucked in the head. But I truly do believe I would be a great leader in some form of Greens or Labor. I think you truly believe you'd be a great everything. To be fair, I would probably be a a good if someone goaded me into it I'd be a great leader

for the liberals as well totally yeah I could just do a fucked character and people would like that I mean that's what Trump is yeah

he's just a fucked character yeah you know he can't be I kind of believe he can't be that fucked in a way some of it is him amping it up a bit

yeah again that's a long conversation. Yeah, okay. Anyway. Thanks, Neil Yakupov. Is that Russian? Do you think that's Russian?

I think it's Russian, yeah. Yakupov. Yakupov. Thank you, too. Well, here's someone's included what I believe is a nickname in here, which, you know,

here we go. In the middle, I mean. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jeff Disko Maritz. Oh. I don't know. Are we allowed to do that? I want to live in the world where that's...

That's real? That's real. Yeah, I don't think it is, but are we allowed to put nicknames in there? I don't know. Well, hey, we were talking... Is that allowed? We were talking off air about this,

but Elton John, middle name Hercules. Oh. Who knows? Jeff Moritz could be a fake name Why not just give his We weren't talking about that off air No I mean we were talking You and I were talking about

Elton John off air Oh right right We weren't talking about His middle name Hercules No no Which is a great middle name Great middle You know that's it

If you're gonna You know if you're gonna Rebrand yourself Another great baby name Hercules Fuck Hercules Hercules Chandler As a boy

There's a That baby naming book's coming out Steve Steve. Go the fool. Hercules. Fuck, Hercules. Hercules Chandler. As a boy. There's that baby naming book's coming out. Steve Buscemi's crossing Hercules. He's writing that in. Little girl Hercules Chandler. I need to... Oh, fuck. Hercules.

What a great name. Awesome. Hercules Disco Chandler. Yeah. No, not Disco. Do you like disco music? No. No, not Disco.

Do you like Disco music? No. I mean, one of the great songs is that... I don't think it's true Disco because... Well, maybe it is true Disco, but it's a recent hit, which is Pharrell Williams and that guy from the 70s, Get Lucky. Oh, Daft Punk. Oh, Daft Punk and Fred Williams. Daft Punk, Noel Rogers.

Noel Rogers. And yeah, I guess you could call that disco. That's disco, isn't it? Yeah, that's disco. It's a reprise of disco. I mean, Noel Rogers is disco. Well, that whole album is heavy disco. Is it?

Noel Rogers is on heaps of the songs. Giorgio Moroder, who produced a lot of the big disco hits of that era. Disco gets a bad rap and it is very superficial. But hey, you know what? You chuck it on the right time of the evening, it feels good. It feels fucking great. You know, and I've probably said this before as well. It's like, well, I would never say this genre of anything is bad.

There's good things in everything. Like I love some, some you know very heavy metal as it were yeah but if someone were to say to me do you love heavy metal i would not say yes because i like some things and i like a handful if i can hate yeah a lot of it but disco the reason i ask is that disco on the whole as a genre seems to get flack as a genre yes i would think more widely than any other I agree like people

there's a lot of people who don't like metal but they're like oh it's just not for me yes but disco gets like widely derided because I think

surface level and probably the worst examples of it are very superficial yes and superfluous and silly looking clothes silly looking clothes

yeah easily dated whereas I think metal doesn't date as badly as disco no I don't think oh god someone will probably go ballistic at me for saying this I don i think metal doesn't date as badly as as disco no i don't think i'm god someone will probably go ballistic at me for saying this i don't think metal has changed too

much over the years yeah oh look that's it that would be a very easy summation to to make yeah yeah i think thank you it was it really rolled off the tongue well you know what i've been i was listening to um uh maybe a certain time frame I was, you know, the first sort of metal, sort of, and again, feel free to not correct me, Black Sabbath. You go back and listen to the very early Black Sabbath and you'd barely call that metal. That's a good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Up against. I feel like what people call metal now, certainly like the metal show on Triple J, is more of that kind of like screamo.

Right. Like really full onon thrash stuff. And Black Sabbath is almost pop in terms of definable melodies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty slow going. But you couldn't have one without the other. Well, thanks, Jeff Moritz. Jeff Moritz.

I feel like there's a few Moritz's that listen to us so I've assumed that you're related because I think it was too much of a coincidence otherwise great beer love a Moritz do you?

yeah is that the one in the can? you can get it in a can yeah I feel like there's one that's in a can and it's not in a bottle I think it's slightly spelled differently as well no beers at the moment as time of recording no beers for me no drinks for me that's in a can and it's not in a bottle. I think it's slightly spelled differently as well. No beers at the moment.

As time of recording, no beers for me, no drinks for me for when this comes out, I think five weeks. Wow. Nick Cody, friend of the show, is going a year without it.

Yep. Milan, our friend Milan, unbelievably, I think is nearly three months off it at this point. Absolutely insane.

It is crazy. Mel Buddle on this episode. Seven months. Yeah. Times there are changing. I reckon I was talking to Milan the other day. I think he thinks he's going to be back on it soon. And I think I'll be back on it within the month.

Yep. But feeling good. Yeah, I bet. So shout out to anyone else that takes a break from it, doesn't do you any harm at all, and it's a nice little bit of contrast. And I'm looking forward to getting absolutely off my head the next time I take one sip of beer.

Oh, yeah, sideways. No piss fitness out the window. I've never heard that before. Haven't you heard it? Piss fitness. Piss fit. Never heard that. Really?

No, that's good. I love it. Isn't it great? I can't wait to get a stitch when i'm like slugging down a fucking pint there really is something about if you're just on one the holiday period is probably the best example christmas new year's yeah just buckled almost every day of the week and then by the time you're three weeks into that it's just like by god it is taking a few of these to feel any effect. Yes. Take a bit of time off.

Yep. Bit of a two-pot screamer. Yeah. Well, that's exactly what's happening with me. Just too many days where I was waking up going, oh, here's another day that I've been on it. So, nice little break. Nice little break. Thanks, Jeff.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Claire Drew. Ooh. Hmm. In the past tense. Not bad. Not the Claire currently drawing. Ooh. Hmm. In the past tense. Not bad. Not the Claire currently drawing. No. It's in the...

Claire drawing. Claire drawing would be a great person. Yeah. But no, she's finished. She's just... She's Drew. This is having a bet both ways, isn't it? You've got a lady's name up the front.

Oh, yeah. Then you've got a boy's name. Bring it up the rear. Sorry? You heard me. Oh, yeah. the front then you've got a boy's name bringing it up the rear. Sorry? You heard me. I did actually. It's pretty good. Claire,

good name. Yeah, I like it. Attractive name again. Yeah. One of those names where you go, do you want,

do you want to give your child a good chance at sounding good? It's a good safe name for a girl. Good place to start. Really good place to start you don't know what the fuck is going to turn out like it as a baby but you know you give it

give it a name like claire that can inspire someone to look good as they grow up you know give them a bit of inspiration to like as you're growing up going you know what i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna try really hard to to live up to my name we all come to a fork in the road where we're like i could be ugly or i could be hot but you know what i'm gonna go with hotness yeah yeah yeah if i'm gonna i'm gonna make my parents proud if they've if they've yeah you know it's like my parents always wanted me to be a dentist i don't want to let them down so that's what i'm gonna be exactly my parents want to be to be claire then fuck i'm gonna be a hottie exactly whereas if you're looking in the mirror and your parents

gave you the name sludge you're you're like, what's the point? Yeah. And you just kill yourself as a baby. Exactly. Yeah. Good stuff. Good stuff from Claire. Yeah.

Always, you know, I'd love to, I'd look very, very happily married, but I'd love to have had a Claire up my sleeve at one point. Oh, really? Unfortunately not. at one point but unfortunately not like the old um uh the old country town mentality of um you know the the hottest hottest girls were the hairdressers and the and the pharmacy yeah workers yep um that that would be a name claire would have been nice in the cv would have been nice yeah your um your wife was her name uh is her name one that was like before you met her? No.

Was it a name that you had any particular attachment to? No, no. She's got a pretty old school name. That's fair. Yeah. She's got a pretty, I would say pretty 70s name. I would say that, yeah, I think she might be the youngest person I know or have ever met with that name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of those names where you go, like you're very easily swayed with girls because you go, oh, her name's Betty. And you go, oh, God, is she 90? Oh, no, she's absolutely smoking. Betty's a hot name. Betty's due a comeback, I reckon. Yeah, yeah. I reckon there'd's a hot name. Betty's due a comeback, I reckon. Yeah, yeah.

I reckon there'd be a lot of little Bettys. There'd be a lot of two, three-year-old Bettys running around at the moment. Yeah. So I would say with my wife's name, it's like some people would go, oh, gee, that's an old name. But when I met her, I'm like, that's a hot name. Really? Yeah.

Was that the first thing you noticed about her? Her name? Yeah. Absolutely. Really? Absolutely. Great. Really? Absolutely. Great. Not at all.

But yeah, Claire, Claire, timeless. Timeless and good. Yeah, I agree. Do yourself a favor. Name your daughter Claire. Give her a chance. And the last name Drew, that's just reminding me that I went into the pizza place that my friend Drew works at the other day. Had a couple of delicious slices in there.

Fuck me, it felt good. Again, need to get back on the bread. I know. Found myself in that part of the world unexpectedly on a bit of an errand. An errand that took me to a different part of town unexpectedly. A fool's errand? No, not a fool's errand. I did get the result that I wanted,

but I would consider what I did to be somewhat, especially while I was in the middle of it, a wild goose chase. Right. Can I ask this? Unprofessional, but in the middle of the podcast, because I will forget otherwise. Did you go and pick up the T-shirts that we have printed?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, great. I told you I was going. Yeah, yeah. But I didn't hear you say, I have got them. Oh, yeah, they're here. Great.

So, which is a good ad for the merch that we have on our website. Go to littledumdumclub.com. Are you? I can't remember. Just.com. .com. Plenty of, as just intimated, we've just reprinted the burger design. Also a good ad for the backseat of my car.

It can fit a box with T-shirts in it. Are you selling your car or the backseat? No, no. Just, you know, just while we're advertising. Okay. You know, just building the hype for when I do want to sell it. Advertising does imply that you're selling something. Well, one day I will.

I'm not going to have that car forever. Okay. All right. Oh, wow. Planning your seats very early. T-shirts for sale. Get on that. And stubby holders.

And hats. So get onto that And as long as you're not overseas Because that gives me the shits To having to post that out Absolute pain in the ass Yeah Which last time I talked about that Was a great ad for overseas people

Because then there's just a heap of people Ordered going I know you hate this But here's my order for a T-shirt Yeah Cheers Thanks Claire Thanks Claire Alright one more I know you hate this, but here's my order for a t-shirt. Yeah. Cheers. Thanks, Claire.

Thanks, Claire. All right, one more. I'm getting 6.25 and I'm almost asleep. I've got to go and do it. Oh, fuck. I'm going to make that class. That's annoying. 6.30 class?

Yeah. You fucked it. I fucked it. Sorry, mate. Is that the last class of the day? Yeah. That's weird, isn't it? I feel like that's, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like that's i don't know yeah i don't know i feel like that's kind of prohibitive to a lot of people my wife has started doing classes at 6 a.m

i need to change now now no i've missed it i'm just like let's waffle um i i really would love to change my uh just my sleeping habits and my pattern and be a get up, go there in the morning and get it done. Stuff like this doesn't happen. It's frequently pod blows out, times get moved, which is what happened to us today, et cetera. Whereas if you just commit the 8, 9 a.m. class, ain't nothing happening there.

Do it for a week. Yeah, but it's one of those things where it really like – I need to recalibrate my sleeping pattern. Do you know what I mean? Yes. To get myself up. Because otherwise I've tried. It's like set the alarm.

It's like I'm fucked. I'm not getting up now. I know because I'm on late night and then having a child and then my wife is doing fitness stuff at 6 a.m., meaning she's getting up at 5.30. It's like I've gone to bed at 12.30 and then she's up at 5.30. You know, and it's like with her one up, all up. Let's all get up.

No. Yeah, but I'm just a bit like that where I'm a light sleeper. Like I went to a morning class the other weekend because my significant other was here and had work. Like she got up early for work. And so I was like, cool, I'm up. I'll go to the gym. Right.

So anyway. But in any case, it is getting late. Yes, it is getting late. I've been here for a few hours now. I need to. I need to. I literally, I was writing jokes on the way to your place. Your place is like halfway house between here and Spleen.

Monday night is when we're recording it. I go and do new material on Monday night at Spleen. So I'm only halfway through my walk, halfway through my new jokes. So I need to get out there. Again, you're a half-doer. Yes, exactly. Exactly.

This is the tea towel that you're trying to be delicately trying on. I know. When I'm up on stage at Spleen tonight at about 9.45, 10 o'clock. Hands covered in suds. I'm going to be like, fuck, that's right, I only did the glasses. Yep. Didn't do the pots. Wish I had some pots up here.

One more. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh. Oh, wow, this is another Russian. Oh, really? Another Russian name. It's two Russians' names.

Russian names in how many? Well, the first one, we're not Russian name it's too Russian to name Russian names well the first one we're not positive that it's Russian well it does sound if the first one's Russian then this one's Russian then this one's also Russian

I reckon okay interesting given what the name is I mean well you tell me they're of the same race the other one was called

Neil Yakupov right yep right yep thank you to Patreon subscriber fuck up of comedy is that is that Russian hmm Yep. Right. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Fuckupofcomedy. Is that Russian?

Hmm. I guess it probably, yeah, it definitely sounds Russian. Right. Okay. Again, whatever, you're right, whatever the other one was, this one must be as well. So, it may not be Russian. I mean, comedy is spelt with a K as well. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Right. Yep. Well, that's different. And there's a silent V in there somewhere as well. So, yeah. Somewhere well that's different and there's a silent v in there somewhere as well so yeah somewhere in there yeah so you can't it's invisible as well because you can't even see where in the word it is yeah yeah yeah and i deleted it and i turned the computer off you turned the computer off yeah well that's i mean you've got everything you need out of it

so that's energy conscious exactly as soon as i read anything out i always unplug everything immediately and then restart it when i have to read another thing out. So I only have the computer on for about five seconds while I'm doing this whole read. At my gym, we do – Very greens. Leader of the greens. Potential leader of the greens.

At my gym, they do this thing that I guess is – yeah, it's energy conservation, but they – there's big fans in the room. It gets very hot and sweaty in there. The trainers kind of sneak around and they're turning them off five, six minutes before the end of the class. Oh. No, thank you.

Right. Keep them going, thanks. Right, right. You don't get to cut this corner. At the end of your training, do you do a bit of stretching? No, and I need to get, I need to be better about that because I'm, yeah, I'm starting to feel a bit fucked because of it. Right.

Why? No, I just wondered. We always have – the thing I do is the last five minutes is stretching because you go – like say the appointment is like, you know, the class is from 7 till 8 and you're looking at the time going, hey, how much fucking more have I got to do? I'm pushing myself. I'm fucked. Yeah. Oh, you've still more have I got to do? I'm pushing myself. I'm fucked.

Yeah. Oh, you've still got this much more to go until 8 o'clock. And then you just go, that's right, the last five minutes of stretching. Oh, I don't mind that. Fuck for that. I did an F45. I did a couple of F45 classes when I was in London with a friend of mine who listens to this, who lives over there, and the one she goes to.

And they, at the end of the class, would do a cool – like you could stay for an optional stretching, like a guided stretching they at the end of the class would do a cool like you could stay for an optional stretching like a guided stretching thing at the end of the class i thought that was really nice because i'm also bad at knowing what am i meant to be doing when i stretch yeah i need i need a roster of things to do yeah because yeah at the moment i'm feeling fucking just stiff as a board right i think i'm really doing damage to my body by not stretching at all. Yeah, yeah. That could be very true.

All right. That'll do it. That'll do us. Thanks, guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks to everyone who subscribes and supports the show. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub is where you can go to do that. Get a ticket to one of the upcoming shows. Get a ticket to our solo shows in Melbourne during the Comedy Festival.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. We will see you next time. Thanks for listening. See you, mates.