The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 488 - Gen Fricker & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: February 12, 2020

This week we're joined after a last minute snafu) by GEN FRICKER and TOM BALLARD! Gen's missed her flight so Tommy tries to put her at ease by giving an exhaustive history of his missed flights over the years. We also hear some great Hollywood gossip and hatch a plan to get ourselves onto the red carpet.ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Jen Fricker. We've got a bunch of live stuff on sale. Brisbane and Adelaide sold out but coming up soon, so don't forget to come to them. We've also got live stuff in Melbourne. We have, of course, the 500th episode on May 25th. April 25th. Sorry. And a couple of live shows on Saturday afternoon that are not quite sold out. Of course, we have stand-up shows coming up during the Melbourne Comedy Festival as well.

Tommy Daslow in Meatball. Yep. That's all month. And I am doing two and a half weeks of Carl Chandler in Please Call Me Carl, Mr Comedy Was My Father. Yes, I've got it right. You're getting better and better. I am slightly.

I don't quite have the rhythm yet, but still. You'll get there. Go to the website. Go to littledumbdumbclub.com to find out all about all of those shows, please. Enjoy this episode with Jen Fricker and Tom Ballard. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Daslow, and with me, me as always is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Two very special guests with us today. Please welcome back onto the show, Tom Ballard and Jen Fricker. Why are we very special? You're just two of our favourites. Give us specific examples of good things that you've done. Yeah, give us specific examples. Yeah. Of good things that you've done.

Oh, just why we're special or beautiful. So special that I got a text three hours ago to do this. Yeah, look, we'll say why you're special, but we'll save it for the back end of the show that me and Carl do alone. That'll be more interesting for the listeners. Well, you got a text. You got a text late in the piece because Jen Fricker... Fucked it up. ...fucked everything right up.

Oh, no. She missed her fucking Learjet. That's me. And it meant that we couldn't get who we planned. The perfect off-sider of Jen Fricker. The perfect comedic foil. Exactly. Jerry Seinfeld.

And now we've got to get fucking old Timmy Billiards to just step up to the plate and actually get one right for once. Hello. Well, the last one with Will was that number three of the year last year or something like that? Something like that. You're a favourite. You're on the list.

Don't worry, buddy. Thanks. We don't just like ring anyone at the last minute. Well, we do. It's an honour that we still ask you last minute in spite of the fact that when we used to ask you last minute it was because you lived in the room next to me and often you were just literally it was like i'll just knock i was talking to chandler on messenger like i'll just knock on the wall and see if he answers it's an honor that you get called at the last minute

and a you know a bit sad that you're available last minute fuck it out That is true. So, Fricka, what's going on? Missed the flight this morning down to Melbourne, down to our fair city. Yeah. Yeah. Why did you miss your flight? I just slept in.

It's not even a fun story. And everyone was being so nice to me about it. Like the lady at the airport. Well, that ends now, fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, what happened? Just having one of those days. And I was like, no, I just slept in because I don't care about anything anymore. Right.

I guess. That's what it is. Yeah. What time do you fly? 9.30. Oh, Lord. It's not even a bad, yeah, like that's it. It's just me being a fuckhead.

I'm angry at myself. That is too late to get away with. For anyone to act nice about that. Yeah. 9.30 flight, I slept in. Nah. Nah, nah, nah You shouldn't be asleep at that time

When did you wake up? What time? Seven? What? I just was reading, I listened to Radio National Hang on, hang on Are you serious? Yeah, I was listening to Radio National Because I want to keep up to date with this whole leadership spill with the National

So you're up, the radio's on and the book's out all at once because I want to keep up to date with this whole leadership spill with the National. So you're up, the radio's on and the book's out all at once and you've got an hour until you need to be at the airport. She gets to the Virgin desk. What happened? Traffic jam? No, she died with a falafel in her hand. Have you read that? So hang on.

You're waking up, you're reading a book. You know where the perfect place to read a book is? The plane. You're waking up, you're reading a book. You know where the perfect place to read a book is? The plane. But then also, I've just noticed now that I get very sucked into podcasts and the radio to the point where I can't do anything. That I can't do anything else.

And yeah, I just stop. That's very weird because that's what un-podcast for, transit. You don't just sit very still. You listen to your podcast lying down, staring up at the ceiling. More or less, yes. Oh, my God. Time has just drifted away. I like that you said sucked into podcasting

and now you can't do anything else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit like me and Carl. Our lives and careers. But then, yeah, so then. Yeah, we missed a plane to success. Slept through just gazing at the ceiling for eight years. And then I couldn't get an Uber or an Ola.

So then I was just standing in the rain. Also, you couldn't get the most unethical one, so then you work your way down the list of the ones that are actually okay. Tried to get a cab and then the guy slowed down and I was like, eh, and he was like, oh, no. And then drove off. And I was like, okay, I deserve this. I don't know. That's the thing.

I just kind of internalized it all as like a punishment for something I have or haven't done. I don't know. If I woke up at 7 o'clock with a 9.30 flight, I would go back to sleep for another half an hour. And then I got ages. Well, that's what I thought. I had ages. I was like, I'll listen to a podcast. I'll have a little read.

Make myself a smoothie. Well, I got that message from you and I was like, I'll listen to a podcast. I'll have a little read. Make myself a smoothie. Well, I got that message from you and I was like, oh, my God. How are we going to handle this? Because I had another person that was very time sensitive as your foil or whatever. And I was like, how am I going to explain this? And then I sent the message and they were like, oh, thank God. I didn't really want to do it anyway. So you've made one person very happy at the very least.

Oh, fuck. Well, I don't want to roast you too hard for this. I thought I could go through this with you because I don't think I've ever really talked about this too much at the time on the podcast, but I have a long history of missing flights over the last couple of years. And so I've put together, to the best of my knowledge, an exhaustive history of my missed flights. Right.

Where from and to, how I missed them, and a lot of these... I thought you were disorganised when you were catching these flights. Well, also, with Tom here, a lot of these happened while you and I were living together. Oh, now there's an excuse being brought in. Is this it? No, no, no. I mean more like you might be able to remember some of the ones that I may have left off the list. Because the point that we lived together was what I refer to as the golden era.

Yes, I see. Me fucking up and missing flights. I thought you were going to blame him like he was reading a book to you instead of you catching a flight. Reciting things that he heard on Radio National. Tommy, where are you going? Can we record a podcast?

This is the bit where the whale comes up in Moby Dick. Got me strapped in Clockwork Orange style just staring at the ceiling as I'm listening to a podcast. Okay, so here we go. So this one I've talked about on the show before and I've done stand-up about it. But Melbourne to Sydney, I was on the flight. I had noise-cancelling headphones on. And so I didn't hear the announcement that the flight was turning around and going back to Melbourne.

And so when I got off the flight, I thought I was in Sydney. Now, that's not my fault. This is what, 2016 or something like that? Something like that, yeah. Not my fault. I think we can all agree. Agree is a strong word, but yeah. Mechanical fault with the plane going back to Melbourne.

Yes, okay. Yeah, I can agree with that. My fault for buying noise-cancelling headphones and just loving the music of Jamiroquai. And fucking with the radar of the plane. Okay, now this one. See if you think this is my fault. Sydney to Melbourne,

sitting at the gate for a different flight from Sydney to Melbourne that left at roughly the same time. In fact, I was with you for this one. Oh, yes. This was a co-production. I missed this flight as well. Yeah. But I didn't give a fuck and you very much did.

Yeah, you saw me kick a bin in the middle of the airport. I saw you be the most emotive I've ever seen you in my entire life by probably times three. Yeah, right. I've never seen you that upset that anything. I don't fly off the handle. No. In situations like that. Was there something that specifically triggered you about that flight?

Well, we were in Sydney for the day. I was flying home and then I was going, I was flying back to Melbourne and then I was flying to Japan that night. So I was kind of like, it was frustrating because I didn't have time to really like waste and just go, oh, I'll just get on a new flight whenever they can get me on. So that was me kicking a bin, getting very angry. This is a good one.

Shanghai to Singapore, late to the airport, missed the flight because I couldn't get a taxi driver to pick me up because none of them spoke English. Literally on the side of the road for hours trying to get taxis to stop for me and none of them would stop. That's absolutely on you, obviously. Were you yelling English at the taxis driving by? It's the only language I know and it's the only volume I know how to speak.

Don't you know Chinese for sticking your hand up in the air? No, but it got to a point where the guy's just looking at me shrugging and I'm trying to do a mime of like an airplane taking off. Like I'm going. And the Chinese people are going, oh, he's doing the hands. So, yeah, I'm there for like, I'm there for honestly like an hour and a half trying to flag down a taxi. Finally, I get one.

But then by then it's just too late. I get to the airport and I'm just like, flight long gone. Is it one of those ones where you're looking at the time and you're going, can I make it, can I make it? And then you just didn't quite make it? Or were you in the ballpark at all? Well, the airport's really far out of where I was staying. So I think maybe halfway through the cab trip I was like,

I should just get him to turn around and go back to bed. Like realising there's no point. I've never had an unhappy ending with those films. I'm always in the taxi going, I don't know if I can make it. Can I make it? I completely Indiana Jones it and crawl under the falling door and I make it in time.

You do love leaving it to the last minute and still getting away with it. I think we can say that the one that we missed together from Sydney to Melbourne where we were sitting at the wrong gate, that was me because you got dragged into my vortex of I always miss the flights. If it was you alone, you somehow would have still made it. It was.

We did have quite a swap that day because it was you getting so upset and angry and whatever. And I think I remember laughing. Yeah. Yeah, it was Friggy Friday. We just were still hanging out together. So it's not that interesting of a movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Melbourne to Perth, late to the airport, because I read the arrival time in Perth as the departure time from Melbourne. Whose fault's this? Are we still assigning blame? Whose fault's this? Now, this isn't me. This is the time zone.

Did you only put the noise-cancelling headphones in there so that there was one example where there was a different answer? There's a lot of mechanical faults going on, but they're all upstairs. But that one, miraculously enough, still got on the plane. What? Because of the time difference. Because there was only an hour gap or something in between them.

I get to the airport and she's like, I can check you through now and if you run, you'll still make it. So I sprint through the airport and I'm on the plane within six minutes of arriving at the airport. Actually felt great. Felt really amazing. So that's one in the win. They're so strict with the times, but I reckon every flight I've had

between Melbourne and Sydney over the past couple of months has been delayed substantially. Yeah, my flight this morning that I missed was delayed. Was it reading a book? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got really sucked into Fran Kelly. It was delayed by one minute.

Truly? Yeah. Incredible. I was checking the app being like, oh, come on, be delayed. Please be delayed. And then I saw it pop up and I'm like, yes! And it was 9.31. Great.

That's so good. Melbourne to Sydney. I checked in online. I turned up at the gate with the boarding pass on my phone, but I'd accidentally checked in for the return flight to Sydney, not the flight up to Sydney. So it won't scan and they go, this is for a flight, yes, tomorrow, to and from a different city.

Now, whose fault is that? I would argue the system shouldn't have let me check in. That is bizarre to be able to check into a return flight before you've checked in for the initial flight. No, that's absolutely new and they should flag you, I feel, at this point. You're on a watch list.

Yeah, absolutely. It should be like Uber, you should get ratings. No, I need special assistance. I need the safety scissors version of booking flights. You should be called to board first before everybody else. Two days in advance I just get on there

I'm just doing work for a couple of days All my meals on the plane You should get your own card Frequent fuck up Yes I should just get Yeah I should just get a lot of points I should get lounge access

Because I'm fucking there so much Having missed flights I'm putting in hours at the airport You should get disabled toilets access Yes And the great The great thing about me me missing that flight from Melbourne to Sydney was that I was getting that flight from Melbourne to Sydney to go up and do stand-up on Tom Ballard's TV show

about me having the noise-cancelling headphones on on the flight from Melbourne to Sydney. So we really were through the looking glass on that one. Great. A real performance art piece by me. And you're back to the list. We've got more? Oh, there's more.

Great. Because that's only about two years worth. So, yeah, I mean, surely there's... This is a good one. Sydney to Melbourne. September 11, 2001. I was told... Oh, that's your alibi.

I missed that one. So you didn't do that one. Oh, yeah, I was in McDonald's and just lost track of time. Sydney to Melbourne. I was up in Sydney for one night and then I'm at the airport the next morning. I'm trying to check in at the kiosk and the system can't find me in there

because I'd actually booked a flight not for that date but for exactly one month later. Now, that's time's fault. Now, that's February's fault for having the days of the week Be exactly the same as March The only worse would be If you missed that next flight

Because you hadn't checked in And it's like I checked in a month ago I did seriously consider At the time Like if it wasn't for Having to do one of these Every week

I was like Maybe I'll just stay in Sydney For a month I live here now That's how you beat the system Yeah Yeah yeah Don't fly back Just drive back Or hitchhike back Over the course of a month Just in live here now. That's how you beat the system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't fly back.

Just drive back or hitchhike back over the course of a month, just in time for you to catch that flight back. Fly back up to Sydney and then get the return. And then the very last one that I missed was Sydney to Melbourne. There is a lot of these. Slept through my 6 a.m. alarm because I'd been out the night before getting absolutely buckled on espresso martinis with Genevieve Frick. You're part of the arc now.

I'm on it. That's because there's a place when you go to the Enmore Theatre, you show your ticket and you get two for one whatevers. And so we were on the two for ones all night. Yeah, had a 6am alarm blasting into the espresso martinis at 1am. Should have known right then and there. We all were laughing. I just remember how much we laughed that night, you know.

I had a driving test the next morning. Yeah, that's right. So I texted you when I got home, when I eventually got home. And you were like, I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk. I don't remember being on the flight back. And you go, oh yeah, I've got a driving test soon to get my license. And then I texted you the next day just checking in, like, hey, how are you feeling now that the hangover's subsided?

How did your licence test go? And you said I had to cancel it because you have to be sober. Yeah. And I didn't trust it. I was, like, showing up and being like, hello. Not only have I been on my L's for 16 years, but I've come to finally get my licence. That's brutal. The first question to finally get my license that's brutal

if the first question on when like that's a lesson or whatever your first question is can you blow into this

yeah absolutely not yeah nah so yeah that was a good day for both of us it was good

and it's funny because we saw Vampire Weekend that night just such a chill mellow band yeah such a dad band

no need to be going off that hard afterwards. But hey, I'm honoured that you can be part of this. I ate a fried rice. Was that a night I ate a fried rice? Yeah, you were eating a fried rice at like 1am. In the middle of the pub. Vampire Weekend, as I told you a couple of weeks ago,

I don't know why this came up, but as I once didn't know the name of that band, but then came up with, I think, a better name for that band, Vampire Weekend or, I mean, yeah. Yeah. No, you got it right. Yeah, Vampire Weekend or I mean yeah no you got it right yeah yeah Vampire Weekend I thought they were called

Werewolf Forest at one point which I think is a better name that's a sick name I like that name it's like the link between vampire and werewolf I can understand

but then the link between the weekend and the forest do you think like oh god this is just leisure time isn't it it's more of a link between werewolf and forest it's like that's weird

that's probably their natural habitat. I mean, you go for a little hike on a weekend, Saturday, drive out. Well, they're not urban werewolves, are they? No. I mean, you're sort of camouflaged being a wolf. Wolves go in the forest, don't they? Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

But if they want to attack people, what's the point of being in the forest? You need to get into the urban areas. Is that all that they exist for, to attack people, though? What, werewolves? Yeah, aren't there just some werewolves that just can roam free? Just hang out. Hang out, yeah. Some of them are teens, I believe.

I will run through a various number of bands. You tell me a better name for them. Okay. All right. Led Zeppelin. Heavy Plane. Arctic Monkeys. Arctic Monkeys.

Oh, that's a good one. Someone Photoshop these album covers up, as we're doing them, by the way. Chili Apes. acting monkeys acting monkeys oh that's a good one someone photoshop these album covers up as we're doing them by the way chili apes loving it red hot chili peppers

my favorite band junkie junkie cunts not bad not bad um hell yeah what about

funky junkie cunts yeah that's good funky junkie cunts yeah yeah I'd buy that album. The music is my aeroplane that I'd like to.

Let's give him some more modern ones that he may not have heard of that he's going to have to just not have any previous association with and just absolutely shoot from the hip. Jungle Giants. Oh. Werewolf Forest. Forest Werewolves. Forest Giants.

Confidence Man. Oh, Confidence Man Depressed Woman It's not the opposite It's not the opposite and it's not like one of those inkblots that you see and whatever It's just like some What would you say? I don't even know what the system is.

I don't know what it is either. I'm trying to lose myself in the system and let something seep in. I love that you were trying to justify an interior logic of the werewolves being in the forest as if there's any kind of logic to vampires having weekends. Yeah, yeah. You were like, they're not in the city. They're in the forest.

It's like vampires, work a five day week Yeah yeah Do you think for bands Is it like you know Comedians hate being asked Where do you get your ideas It's like the people From Vampire Weekend

Are they hating sitting down And every now and then They must get an interview That's like So what's the name mean What's the deal We're gonna Yeah we always got told

Not to ask that At Triple J Really Not to ask people Where the band name comes from Yeah It's kind of seen As like a basic bitch question.

Of course. Right? Yeah, totally. Totally. But did you ever get asked not to call them tracks? I remember I did like a community radio show in Ballarat and that was the only rule they said. Don't call them tracks.

You sound unprofessional. It's like, well, you just keep saying, this is a song. It's like, good boy. Why is's like good boy why is that bad um yeah i don't know do you ever get did you ever get told either of you at get told at triple j don't sound too professional because that's yeah i got told that i sound like a prefect when i first started. Really? Yeah. A prefect? Yeah, because I do a very like, and that was Franz Ferdinand. And an interesting fact about Franz Ferdinand is that they are from Scotland. Oh, I'm Dobby. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Franz Ferdinand can pick up litter all lunchtime. Yeah, yeah. Good evening, parents, teachers, and students. That's good. Because, you know, Triple J is a little bit of, like, people on there that you think should not do radio. You can accidentally tune in.

You're Tom Ballas. You can accidentally tune in and you go, oh, what, have you been told to sound this fucking dumb? Like, people are just like, oh, yeah, I guess there's another track coming up oh fuck first mistake don't call them tracks but you know don't they i think it's way more i mean did you listen to much the double j back in the back in the day were you a big triple j listening in the 90s or something yeah totally totally see i've listened back to some of that

stuff those people are out of their fucking minds i think it's quite professionalized these days and people like quite know what they're doing and it's exciting and they're pleasant and they're all good. I'm not looking back going in my day Triple J was oh hello everyone. It's always been a bit far. Yeah totally.

I don't think it's changed. Well this kind of segues into something that I wanted to talk about because yeah you guys so Tom and Jan you know you both have successful showbiz careers

regularly on television and the radio. Showbiz. You have things going on. We talk about on the pod a lot, like, you know, we joke, but it is a joke rooted in truth that we, you know, we don't... Well, we finally use the word rooted in the right way. You know, we don't have as much going on showbiz-wise.

Rooted. Yeah. Rooted in some truth. I think we... Look, we do fine for ourselves, but we never get a call from someone. You guys are used to having calls saying, can you please do this?

And we're more like people ringing up going, can we stop that? Can we sell you this? Well, that's what I'm kind of getting at is like, you know, when I was a lot younger. Hey, Tom and Carl, yeah, a lot of calls this week. Channel 10 have asked you to stop doing this. The government has asked you to stop the podcast.

Tommy's not allowed to fly anymore. Yeah, I mean, when I was younger, it was like a bit more of a frustration. But now, you know, things are good. This goes well. The other pod I do goes well. It's like becomes less of a necessity. But also, you know, still would definitely,

it's nice every now and then. Rarely you get asked to something. Well, it's sum becomes less of a necessity, but also, you know, still would definitely, it's nice every now and then rarely you get asked to something. Well, it's summed up in the expression, must be nice. Must be nice. So I got an email the other day from a casting agent asking me to come in and audition for a comedy TV series. And, you know, again, I don't really get this. I don't have management or anything. You know, the kind of things don't come across my desk very often,

which is fine. But if you guys are out there, if there is managing directors out there, feel free. There is an email address on our website if you want us to lead, be lead actors in any remakes of The Odd Couple on ABC7 or whatever is going on. The Odd Couple. Very good, very good.

Just two guys who couldn't be more opposite and they're living together and they're podcasting every night. One of them cleans, one of them's dirty, one's got cancer, the other's a cunt. How are they going to do it? So yeah, I get this email the other day. That would be a good part of it, by the way.

One of them's got cancer and one of them's really clean. It's just me constantly trying to clean the cancer off everything. So, yeah, I get asked to audition for this role. Congratulations. Thank you. I think this is nice. This sort of stuff doesn't come across my desk particularly often. No, I think it might be completely nude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I open the email. I'm like, this is exciting, getting asked to audition for this thing. I read the description of the role and the character name, Neckbeard. Hello. You know, funny nickname. It's a funny nickname. It's a funny nickname.

A number of reasons why the character is called this. It might be an ironic nickname. Ironic nickname. Yeah. So that a funny nickname. It's a funny nickname. A number of reasons why the character is called this. It might be an ironic nickname. Ironic nickname. Yeah. So that's the nickname. The name of the role. The role. The person in the show doesn't actually have that name.

The person possibly doesn't have a name, but it's been assigned. The description of the character. No one's coming up to you going, hello, neckbeard. Yeah. Right. Well, I don't know that. It could be an ironic nickname of a character in the show. Could be a cool pirate, you know, like Bluebeard or Blackbeard or Neckbeard.

So I read the character description, 25 to 35. Nice. 25. 25, nice. Fuck it in. Pretty good. Yeah. Bit part role.

Fine. Bit part. No small parts. Only small penises on the men. Unkempt appearance. Hello. Neckbeards are described as a man who is socially inept and physically unappealing,

especially one who has an obsessive interest in computing. Must be comedic. How can you not be comedic after you read that about yourself? You must have thought, I'm nailing this part apart from the comedic bit. I mean, a casting agent sending this to you, we think you're unkempt and physically unappealing. Brilliant.

And then having the stones to call you socially in it. That is rich. That is a hard pill to swallow. You know, a real piece of shit who has no idea about other people's feelings. Can't read social cues. Have you done it yet? I shan't be doing it. No?

Are you too good for it? You know what? Not to sound like I have tickets on myself. Yeah. But yes. That's great. Congratulations. It's filming interstate. I wouldn't make the flight anyway. What's the point?

Congratulations on, like we said, we've got to a point where we would have been begging for man with head flushed down the toilet five years ago. But now. I would have been writing the role and pitching it to them. Yes. I'll just come up with this character as a complete cunt. Looks like shit. Everyone hates him.

Please can I just be in the background just getting shit on by a pigeon? Isn't there someone in the far background in season one of Rosehaven where someone gets bummed by a wombat or something like that? Can I be the man or the wombat? I'm not fussy. I would love it if in that show, though, Neckbeard turns out to be like a hero and they're like, oh, my God, Neckbeard, you saved that kid.

And like, oh, I'm going to marry you. I love you, Neckbeard. What if Neckbeard, he's very into computers. What if he solves cancer in this show? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, maybe that's why they tapped you. Well, okay, I'm not going to name the show,

but we can keep an eye on this, right? And when the show goes out. Absolutely. If it's someone in our realm. Yes. I mean, what if this ends up being the small role that just whoever does this role. Oh, this is going to be huge. Just launches into Hollywood stardom.

This is going to be huge for Nick Carr. Okay, Nick Carr is going to absolutely cut through on this one. No, they couldn't afford the catering. It won't be him. It won't be. Yeah, I can't wait to see. Because the other thing is I didn't do it. I haven't done the audition.

Right. I was like, I don't really want to do that. The audition's come and gone? It's been and gone, yeah, yeah. I didn't go and do it because I've done almost the worst thing than getting the email and reading the description because I've, believe it or not, been in this position before where you then turn up and you go into the waiting room and you're just sitting with a whole group of fucking warthogs and you're like oh this is what this is what the

fucking casting director thought i i auditioned once for a car commercial and it was like the description was um we pan in on a really unattractive man. And this is verbatim. If attractiveness could be measured on a scale of 1 to 10, then this man is definitely a 1. And it was a car commercial, so it was like really good coin. So I went, and then I'm just sitting in the waiting room, and I got there early.

And just the men walking in was just like sitting there and going, that's me. And you're looking at someone at someone going you fucker you're a six get the fuck out of here truly I needed the money so bad like I wanted the ad so desperately that like I didn't shower for like a couple of days before the I tried to make myself look real shit like just like messy fucked hair just like makeup can do do that, right? You don't need to do that. Did you follow this and did you find out who it was in the end? It wasn't anyone that we know, but I do like six months later or whatever, I saw the ad on TV.

And what did you think? I'm just like, oh, that. And my girlfriend was like, at the time was like, I'd fuck him over you. You should have got the part. She was like, you're way uglier than him. I'm like, I don't know if that makes me feel better. And goodbye. You would have're way uglier than him. I'm like, I don't know if that makes me feel better. And goodbye.

You would have been way better in that role. I've been enjoying watching the tennis and seeing a little bit of Luke McGregor as the Rosella. Have you seen those ads? No. Playing the natural colour. He's like voicing a little parrot Rosella thing. For like an ice cream ad or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm like, did you need the money that bad, McGregor? That was surprising to me. Well, Hugh's he's voicing an ibis on TV at the moment. Yeah, but he gets to go, I'm Husey the Ibis or whatever, doesn't he? Like, it's very well known that that's him.

I'm Husey the Ibis. Like, everyone knows it's him, whereas on that other ad, it's like, no one knows it's him. It's just, you're just going, oh, why does it sound like that Rosella needs to wash his hand seven times a day?

He's given it a bit of McGregor. He's like, natural colours are good. No good. Got you, Steve. Well, we were talking showbiz and auditions and stuff. You told us before we started recording, because I was saying that I went and saw the film Rocketman last night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

John Biopic. So you just saw it? I just saw it last night, yeah. At the cinema? film Rocketman last night. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Elton John biopic. So you just saw it? I just saw it last night, yeah. At the cinema? At the Moonlight Cinema. Oh. Yeah. So you tested for Elton John.

Yeah, I did. And they said, you're so beautiful. You fucked a heap of guys. I too was a junkie. No, no, no. I went to the premiere of it at the State Theatre and it's always weird because I don't really believe there are celebrities in Australia, right?

There's just people that stand in front of the photo wall and there's people who aren't and then we all trick ourselves into being like, we know who that is. Right. And I think it's just a very disgusting thing. That being said. I went, I'm sorry. Oh, you went?

I went to a premiere warhorse in um uh melbourne recently and took my friend sean with me and we got to end part of the deal the free tickets you have to do the photo wall and it ended up in daily mail as tom ballard and mystery man and by that they mean they hadn't got his name yeah do you remember when we went to trot fest together and we walked down the red carpet and I made you hold my hand because I was trying to start a rumor that you were secretly straight? Oh, fuck yeah. And then I got Tom Ballard and friend. Oh, was it?

Yeah. Oh, that's right. We've never been... Let's get on the red carpet. Can we get invited to something? It's so fucking easy to do. We've never been invited to anything. Yeah, we could start.

You've just got to... We'd have to grub more. But we could do that. That's the thing. You feel bad about grubbing and then you see the people who are there grubbing it up. And you're like, oh, okay. I'm fine. Let's all do opening nights for our comedy festival show. The opening night.

Let's all be Joel Creasy. Media showbiz night where we just invite all the glitter. Invite all these people who then don't go into the show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Just hire Millsy to come to the front, walk in the carpet and then go home. Yeah, we should be at Red Car. I got recognised by the guy serving me at Zambreros today.

Nice. Wowie. That's celebrity. Yeah. Not because I'm in there so often. But that's what I'm saying. What we were saying before, like we don't have to grub. Let's put it out there into the ether that we be invited

to be on the red carpet or something. Of like a movie premiere or just any kind of big, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. Because we could then talk about on this show that's good pr yeah that's a that's a good thing have you had things where you've seen like it's something that's in your wheelhouse that you legitimately would have loved to go to in advance like see it as early as possible and on social like so you haven't been

invited to the premiere or the preview event or whatever and then you've seen people on social media that you know posting about being there and you're like, this cunt doesn't even care about this film or event or whatever it is. No, no. No, I can't say I have. No, I'm not that much into that sort of stuff. But you would have surely because you're way more into movies than I am. Like I don't really care.

Not even so much movies. I mean there was a thing at the NGV, the gallery in Victoria in Melbourne, like a few months ago of the exhibition, the big exhibition that they had. There was like a big opening. And I saw people that we all know in our world kind of posting from being there. And I'm like, this cunt would have no interest in this. I'd love to be in that.

Yeah, right. That sort of thing. Yes. Okay. Well, that's what we want to do. Get this cunt to the art fight. Fucking give me a go, cunt. Let me look at the fucking perspective.

You would know your Picard's from your Pickelbone. Nice. Fuck yeah. Fine art champion. Comedy festival is in the air. See, I want to go to the opening night of that show. Yeah, fuck yeah. Alright, you're at the premiere for Rocketman.

Yeah, so I'm there, right? And at this one they had The star and the director as well So Taron Egerton who plays Elton John And Dexter Dexter Fletcher Spike from Press Gang

The boyfriend of Julia Swahala Yes I had a big old crush on her She was so hot. Safi from Ab Fab. Yeah. But anyway, so usually at these things, the director and whoever come out at the beginning

and go, oh, thanks for coming to the show. And then they fuck off. And then everyone watches the thing. But this time, they stuck around and the director sat next to me and my friend. And he was laughing through the whole oh um and he was like laughing through the whole thing and i was like you've surely seen these shows before but taron edgerton was doing a root in the toilet wow yeah so i brilliantly told by the way i had no idea where

that was going and it just snuck right up yeah so um So he was sitting on the other side of the director, and then he got up and went somewhere, and there were all these security guards standing outside the women's bathroom. And it's a long movie, so I went to the bathroom, and I could hear rutting in the bathroom. Wow. In the girls' dunnies? Yeah.

Right. Yeah. And there were just security guards standing around and stuff. And I checked the shoes. They were man's shoes. They were nice man's shoes. I was going to say, so the director, Dexter Fletcher, was there. But he wasn't the director at the start of the film, was he?

Because he replaced Bryan Singer, who I thought may have been hanging out in the boys' dones. Yeah, probably. They still invite the guy who got kicked off the film with the premiere in another country. Just come along for the ride, pal. You're part of the narrative. Chris Dunne's there. Hang on. That was Bohemian Rhapsody.

Oh, was it? Oh, damn it. Sorry. Sorry to ruin it. Damn it. They all look the same to you, don't they? Did Dexter Fletcher direct both of them? No.

He finished Bohemian Rhapsody, right? Did he? Did Dexter Fletcher direct both of them? No. He finished Bohemian Rhapsody, right? Did he? Because Bryan Singer got kicked off because he had a breakdown. So Dexter Fletcher did two music biopics in a row.

Is that what happened? I think so, yeah. Okay. That's why I tried to make that joke. Damn it. No, Singer still did it. What? He didn't finish it. He still credited because he didn't hate it.

Oh, he's credited. Oh, no, you're right. Dexter Fletcher took over and completed filming, but he's just credited as an executive producer. But Singer's still credited as the director. And he got nominated for an award for directing that movie. Yeah. Pretty wild.

But more importantly, someone's gotten their fuck on at the State Theatre. I know. You absolutely love to hear it. But that's what I love is that you're on the other side of the world and you're in this giant theater like the state theaters seats like thousands of people and you're on the big screen you're like i'm gonna go fuck yeah all i want to do is root that's a big call though to to go where should we do it in the men's or the women? Because I would have thought you'd do it in the men's.

Because the girl would get into less trouble being in the men's than vice versa, I would say, theoretically. The women's bathroom at the State Theater is very nice, though. Exactly. Well, in general, like a friend of mine was saying to me, I can't remember what the exact exchange was, but she was in a public toilet recently and just had this very nice exchange with a lady at the sink

as she was kind of washing up. And she was like, you know, I feel bad for men that they never are going to get to experience the camaraderie that women all have in a bathroom together. Men just like get in, get out. And I'm like, yeah, men's bathrooms just look like a fucking war zone. You guys have a big urinal that you share where you all cross the stream.

It's a big cup that we all stand around. No, it's funny. I was at a music festival yesterday. It's just a line of the clown's mouths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carnival. It's gorgeous. Anyway, to invite these men to your opening night,

hit up that email, baby. I was at a music festival yesterday, and most of the bathrooms were unisex and then there was one women's bathroom and a man walked in and we were like, and he was like, there was a girl being like, hey, dude, this is the women's bathrooms. And he was like, oh, I don't think so. It's unisex.

And then another woman in another cubicle over was like, no, it's definitely the women's. And then I was like, yeah, it's the women's bathrooms and he was like oh i don't think so it's unisex and and then another woman in another cubicle over was like no it's definitely the women's and then i was like yeah it's the women's don't back down chief yeah hold your ground burn that bra yeah and that's no i'm talking to him well he did it and then he's like oh well i'm already going and like and then this girl was like don't you fucking piss on the seat and then people started kicking his shoes from under the cubicle. Then he was like, fucking kick my shoe again. What are you going to do?

You're in a women's bathroom. This is incredible. Yeah, it was amazing. See, that's exactly, that's why I'm saying the decision of going into the girls' toilet, I would have thought the natural reaction is like that

you see a guy in there and it's like fuck off or she see a girl in a boys toilet she's like nice bring your friends you got a boyfriend

well speaking of yeah I mean at music festivals you see that quite commonly like there'll be a massive line for the girls bathrooms

and you'll see a girl or a couple of girls kind of sneak into the men's because there's like no line in there and just like be a bit cheeky just like we're just gonna go in here and you use a cubicle and the idea of any man in a men's tour being like get the fuck out of here like men just don't care well that's the thing i was at another music festival with my friend and she went into the men's bathroom because the line for the women's was super long and a dude

literally shoved her out like just grabbed her and pushed her through a door. Oh, wow. Yeah. I mean, he was pretty coked up, but still. Oh, we're all forgiven. Yeah, yeah. Who amongst us can honestly say? Yeah, but it was pretty fucked up.

Was it Elton John? Yeah, it was. It actually was. It was Bryan Singer. Yeah. Yeah, because I remember the first time I used to go every now and then to movie premieres with a friend who would always get the tickets or like just, yeah, and we'd go with him and the first time i went to one

i think it was for one of the born films and matt damon was there and he gets up and says a couple of words at the start and then i just see him kind of disappear yeah out the exit and because i was so naive to it at the time i was like what he's not gonna stick around and watch the movie i was like he's on a junket he's seen it dozenszens of times But then I just Couldn't stop thinking Yeah but what's he doing Just sitting out there In the foyer It's like good rooting time

No one's looking for you You're truly off the grid Yeah I would stay in the room And masturbate While watching the film I think that'd be better Like if it was my film

You know If it was a If it was a good song Like after After Benny and the Jets Came on It's like Off I pop

You guys You all went quiet On the comedy podcast where I just did a joke. It's just imagining you ever having a film. Can you put some laughter in there, please? Something we can just imagine you doing. You were trying to get a nude comedy show going at one point. What, really? Oh, God. You're insane.

Who knows how you think? Simi Billiards does have, you know, there's a few people like this in comedy, but, you know, 95% of the time it's like, wow, what a fine, upstanding human being. And then 5% of the time you go, what the fuck are you thinking? Group email that went out to a few of us like eight years ago or something. Yeah. Let's all do comedy in the nude. No replies. Except for... Oh, who? Dave Cowan. Oh, really? few of it's like eight years ago or something yeah let's all do comedy in the nude no replies

except for oh who dave callan oh really yeah it was gonna be me and dave callan on stage naked that should be gonna raise money for uh eating disorder um charity okay so it's actually really good it's actually really brave of you yeah that should be a general rule if no one replies except for dave callan that's a bad idea. Call it off. I won't wear my trousers. Yeah, maybe ask me now that I'm 15 kilos lighter. I don't know, Tommy.

If attractiveness could be ranked on a scale from 1 to 10. Someone's been emboldened by a bit of love from truckers over the last couple of years. Very nice. Honestly, when I saw that one of you in the cowboy hat, I was genuinely confused for a moment. Yeah, because you don't

listen, so you had no context for it. In your sexuality. Yeah, with my feelings. No, I was like, oh, get it. I guess what I'm trying to say is I found you in that one picture attractive. Alright, we got her, boys. There's a camera. I guess what I'm trying to say is I found you in that one picture attractive alright we got her boys

there's a camera there's a camera you said it you have to root him get in the dolly new ringtone rocket man what about this is a slight update of something

four or six weeks ago, we had a long-running thing about how there was going to be a Thai restaurant in Maribor. My hometown of Maribor, a population of about 7,000 to 8,000 people, never had a Thai restaurant before. I only had one Chinese restaurant the whole time. In terms of food from the Orient, only that one. Some celestial food.

Yes. No ping-pong pong food as it were so i am just quoting the mayor yeah um so no uh no thai restaurant so thai restaurant coming for weeks and weeks and weeks they said they were going to open in this month they didn't open for another three months whatever my my mum every time she drove past she was giving me updates but the sign's still there. Can't see anything in there. Oh, I think they put chairs in there. All these very slight country mum updates.

Finally, I thought this is such a good lead up to it. I thought this will be good for the show. I'll send her in on an assignment. She can go and have dinner and then write a review and then send it to me and I can read it on the show. And I said, you know, just put a bit of colour in there. Put a bit of what? You know, anything slightly funny that's in there.

You don't have to write jokes for it. Just anything you notice that's slightly different or quirky or anything like that, put that detail in there and then, you know, there'll be something that we can riff off the back of it sort of thing. Great that the ways that we're putting our parents to work for this podcast, you're getting your mum to write restaurant reviews and I'm getting my dad to write pornos. Yes, yes. Yes.

You're getting your mum to write restaurant reviews and I'm getting my dad to write pornos. Yes, yes. Yes. So I did that a month or two ago and she sent it back and I was like, okay, there's not a lot in here. And then we put it on the show and we did our best and not a lot jumped out of it. You know, I thought, well, this is a bit of a disappointing ending

to this saga. We didn't get a lot out of it. So then my mum and dad came down to visit a a couple of weeks later to the big smoke to the big to big stinky yeah as it were and um and somehow the conversation full of chinese yeah to chinese town yeah yeah so so they came down and i don't know how the conversation got into it it was like oh you know how you've been going oh everything good oh what about oh you know today's nice weather you know i'm feeling all right today oh and then my dad was like oh not like the other day hey and she was like and i go what does that mean and he goes

you know not like how we felt the other day hey and my mom's like i told you not to talk about that oh and i what what are you talking about? And then Dad goes, oh, didn't she tell you? We went to the Thai restaurant. I heard, oh, yeah, I heard about that. Oh, the next day, we just shit ourselves all day. Like, how did this not come up in the review? Yeah.

You're telling me about the fried rice. I said, give me a bit of colour. What's more colourful than shitting your pants for 24 hours? The only colour you can see. Well, I would have thought, what's that all that green stuff coming out of your arse? Right, so a full day of just... There's a little...

If you wanted a review of a restaurant, if you wanted a review of a food, I reckon that could be in there. That's a vital part of a review. Mentioning you got food poisoning. Yes, exactly. Whether it's, and especially if I'm even looking for comical angles, just for commercial angles, just helpful little tidbits.

If you eat the food, you will shit your pants. Wow. Fucking hell. So we were all excited about going up there, but now that I know that bit, let's definitely send some guests up there. Well, we go up, but we need to probably get a comm there for like a couple of... We can't be moving.

We can't be driving back. Yeah, we can't be driving the next day. We need to base ourselves. We need to do a residency down there for like a month. What if we go up there, we eat, then we drive halfway back and we need to shit ourselves and we go into the very same truck stop where my phone number is apparently. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Jen, just so you know, all those pictures of him were because my- No, no. I picked that up from- Oh, the phone number is in the truck stop. Yeah. Yeah, we don't know where it is. That's the new thing is we're trying to locate.

We're trying to do some geo tracking and locate where this is. Yeah. Might find Taryn Egerton in there, actually. Yes. So, did you write the review after the shitting? Yes. Oh, God. Just on the dunny. Just scribbling away. She wrote it with the shit now that I come to think of it.

So, I should have known. So, what was her response to you kind of, you know, grilling her about why she didn't include it in the review? She's just like, of course, like a mum, just embarrassed, going, why on earth would I tell you about that? And then especially knowing that you were going to talk about it on the podcast. Yeah, that's fair. And she also wanted to

maybe, like, thinking, wanted to put out a bit of an ad for the restaurant and kind of felt bad. I think she thought she was on TV as she was writing the review. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Did she then make you swear to not bring it up? Did she think that it might now come up?

She wasn't pushing me to talk about how she'd shit her pants on my fake radio show, no. Yeah. Especially since people, she does run into people in the Mirabar area that do listen and stuff like that. Really? Yeah, yeah.

There's some listeners up that way. Yeah. Funny. Yeah. What did she eat at the restaurant? I think it was pretty, I'm just trying to remember. It was like green curry and maybe not even that. I think it was like classic country white people going to a Thai restaurant.

I think there was. Massaman curry. No, no, not that exotic. I think it was. Butter chicken. Butter chicken. I tried for a sweet and sour pork. Chinese tea.

No, no, I think it was, it might have been like a, I think it was like a pad thai and maybe a sweet and sour pork Chinese tea No no I think it was It might have been like a I think it was like a pad thai And maybe a sweet and sour chicken or something Something that wasn't even Thai Yeah You know those things where Pan Asian

Yeah yeah yeah Asian Asian One Asian food Please We went through the menu And there were some passengers in there Yes

There were some Like They won't know the difference Type items Yes They won't know the difference type items. Yes. They won't know these aren't Thai. Yeah.

Yeah. Sweet and sour chicken gets me every time though. Does it? Yeah. Makes you crook? Yeah. But I still eat it. There's a place that was across the road from Triple J and I'd always go in there in the afternoon

because I hadn't eaten lunch because I'd worked through it and they'd have $5 specials and every time I'd be like, don't fucking do it. Sitting in the bain-marie all day. Yeah. And then I'd do it and then I'd work through it and they'd have $5 specials and every time I'd be like, don't fucking do it. Sitting in the bain-marie all day. Yeah, and then I'd do it and then I'd just shit myself. How did you feel after that fried rice the other night that you washed down with Espressi Mart? What did that do to you?

Actually, great. I told you me and my friend Claire walked home from that bar and went through McDonald's at some point. I have seven calls to my boyfriend that I don't remember making. And all I remember is trying to bite into a quarter pounder and my friend Claire grabbing it from my mouth and throwing it away like a frisbee. What a friend.

Bad friend. I know. She can't explain it, neither can I. And then I woke up the next morning and I had three McFlurries in my bed. What's hot? And then I work out the next morning and I have three McFlurries in my bed. Okay. What type? Well, I always go extra Oreo, extra shot of fudge, a flake, and maybe M&M's if I want some different textures.

It's always about texture for me. I'm well into the M&M's at the moment. I've been a long time Oreo, but I'm on to the M&M's. And last night I had one, and I've never had one quite like it. If this makes sense at all, the M&M's were fresh. What do you mean fresh? Fresh M&M's. I've never had anything like it.

Like warm? No, they were really easy to bite into. They were softer than normal. They were a pleasure to eat. You're like a man who's seen a new colour. Like how do you describe this to people? It was like I was in a bakery and they just brought out the bread. It was like they'd made M&M's out the back and just left it straight into the ice cream.

I love that. It's like, you know, when you go to a bakery at like 6am on the way home from a pub, it's like I've gone past the M&M factory at 6am pissed and go, give me some of the freshies. No worries. Just on top of the soft serve. Thank you very much. Damn, that sounds fucking great. Has this ruined other types of M&M for you?

It's ruined the McFlurry for me, for sure. I want to go back in there and sort of go, you know, like last night, like the guy with the beard that worked last night, that guy with the beard hasn't worked here for 10 years. Oh, fuck. I had a Maxi Bon in bed the other night. Fuck, that felt good. Just midnight,

riffing down a 7-Eleven next to my house, just taking in an ice cream in bed. What a fucking treat. It was awesome. I don't think I enjoy eating in bed. I typically don't, but it was just a hot night.

I just think of the repercussions non-stop. Yeah. That's what I've heard from your wife. Unbelievable shit, mate. Good stuff. Fucking good stuff.

That is the future of comedy. Thanks. Speaking of your parents getting the food poisoning together, I don't think I've told this on the show, but six years ago or something I was on, I think, a second date with someone who pushed pretty hard to go to this restaurant together that I was like, I don't know. I don't really know if I want to go to that place.

And she's like, no, no, it's great. On a second date, you're putting up resistance. It was more, no, it was more that when we were there, they do a lot of seafood stuff and I'm not a big seafood person. Right. She's like, no, no, no, just go. Let's do it. I'm like, okay, cool.

So we go. I'm on a seafood diet. Go on. No, that's it. Right, go ahead. At least take your pants off before you do rot like that. So we go and then we go back to her place. We shared everything.

Like we had, you know, we didn't get our own meal. I'm on a C-bomb diet. You can't. Yeah. All right, and back to you. Try that at 20. That's good. So then we go back to her place.

We've shared all the food. Go back to her place about maybe an hour or two after we've gone to sleep, I get woken up by just this absolute churning in my gas. And then I'm up. And she lived alone, so she just had an en suite off her bedroom. And I'm up just all night, just in there going, this is the fucking worst. It's like so early on the thing.

What happened on your third day? Well, so then the next morning I get up. I've gone into the bathroom. I come out and when I go back. You've gone back to the scene of the crime to what, clean up or? I was in and out of there all night. Right. Honestly, all night, like so crook.

Right. So then I go. What did you eat? I can't remember. It was so long ago. It was a lot of, yeah, a lot of seafood stuff. The stuff you don't usually go for. Yeah.

And she hadn't been sick at all. So I don't know. I mean, I was blaming the food. Who knows? Maybe she could have a better constitution than me. It could have been something else. Maybe the female touch. Pardon?

The female touch. Yeah. That's what triggered you. Yeah. Because you're a net beard. Yeah. The vagina is the antidote to seafood. Yes.

I think. So then I get up, like I'm up in the morning in the bathroom and I go back into the bedroom and she's like up by this point. She's like in her kitchen. And so I'm sort of going like, I'm sort of, you know, you're panicking about it all night. You're sort of going like, oh, this is so embarrassing. I'm on a date.

This person's going to have heard all this. And then eventually I just had to get very zen about it and go, you know what? I'm just sick. Something's happened to my body. It's just a natural thing. You know, whatever. That would be so good if you just walked out of the bathroom

and just said, something's happened to my body. Or I'm that zen about it that I'm just doing it with the door wide open. I'm like, why not? You know, I'm only human. We're all going to die one day. I'm just going to do mine today. open. Why not? I'm only human. We're all going to die one day. I'm just going to do mine today. If you can't accept me at my worst. You can't accept me now.

This is my best. Me sitting here, this is the best I've ever been. This is it. So then I go into the kitchen and I'm like, I just decide I've got to go on the front foot. So I go out and I'm like, hey, look, I'm really sorry about last night i think i got sick from something we ate and uh yeah i was like oh i'm sorry about all the i probably kept you up

all night and she's like heard what i'm a really strong sleeper i didn't i didn't hear anything and i'm like oh nothing anyway i have to go right now i was telling someone about the other day and they're like did you think in the middle of the night about just getting an Uber back to yours? And I'm like, I honestly didn't trust myself. I didn't think I had it in me to last. Because she lived pretty far away from where my house was at the time. But just brutal. And then

did continue to see her for a little bit after that. And then I ended up with her. The ghoul. You should have said something when I ruined your toilet. I respect you. How can I respect someone who doesn't respect themselves? I can't go around to your place anymore.

It's got shit all over the bathroom. You need a clean house. Someone already helped me in their piss and vomit. I feel like en-suites are the real fucking trial by fire for any couple like when you go on a holiday and you stay in a hotel room and the toilet's just there oh big time it's either like we're doing

you're in on this when I've travelled with partners in the last couple of years I've noticed a new trend in hotel rooms where the door to the bathroom from the main room will just be like frosted glass yeah so you're never completely private in there it's like what is this design if anything they've put like amplifiers in there so they can hear every fucking break of the shit yeah it's good acoustics in there they should run comedy rooms in

either that or people should shit in comedy room I don't know Yeah But yeah it is I don't know why they do that frosting Because it's like There's no need to be sexy in bathrooms We know what we're doing in there There's no mystery in there Yeah yeah yeah We don't need it to look any better

We need function I don't know Pure glass Soundproofing in there Egg cartons on the walls Yeah Make it like a drum studio What if you

Would you like this What if you had What if your own bathroom was like a public toilet and you had the urinal and everything? And then like the little toilet, like cubicle, everything. That would be good. I'd love a cubicle in my bathroom. I'd love a urinal in my bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Why don't people have urinals in their house? I hate flushing the toilet after doing a wee. It's like, it's such a waste of water. It's such a waste. Oh, my God. You know, if I know my wife isn't going to be around or anything, I just try and wee in there as much as I can before I do one flush.

It's such a waste. If I go to the country where my mum and dad live, if I go back out onto the farm, it's such a pleasure. I need to go to the toilet. No problem. Walk out into the bush. There you go, tree. Love it.

Absolutely love it. Nothing better than just peeing freely without having to waste six litres of water. We were talking last week about just real dad behaviours. Like your daughter growing up. Yeah, dad has this thing where if mum's not around, he just leaves piss in the toilet for as long as possible. You know what? My family, if it's yellow, let it mellow family. Yeah, right.

And there was a sign in the toilet to say that to us. Right. And so now I proudly flush as a rebellion against my hippie parents. Sure, look, I completely agree if it's someone else's yellow. It's like I understand people coming in and going, that's no good. But if it's just myself, it's like I think that's different. I'm not leaving it for my wife. I'm not leaving it for someone else.

But I just have a very big... This is like the piss equivalent of cupcaking yourself. Yeah, yeah. You're like, oh, he's done it again. Remember the good times? What's cupcaking? I don't know what cupcaking is. You know how you sort of like your own scent?

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you like the smell of your own piss. I don't think I've ever heard that one, but that could be a new thing. We're learning. Yeah. We're all learning. I don't hate it've ever heard that one, but that could be a new thing. We're learning. We're all learning. I don't hate it.

I'm not going, P.U., who did that one? I'm not going, oh, that was silent but deadly. I'm so glad I've taken time out of writing my comedy for this show. We're inspiring you. Inspiring me to do better.

I've got to go take a shit At a comedy club Speaking of Like signs in bathrooms And stuff I've got a pool In this apartment complex And I kind of want to get I want to just get

You do Now you Now for Listeners We've been here For a description Of Tommy's house You've got

What you've heard Over the year or two That you've lived here Is it's sort of It's not quite a studio apartment Is it Because you can technically Say that's a second room.

There's a bedroom and a lounge room. There's sort of a sliding door there. Frosted glass. Frosted glass, yes. Yes, exactly. Now, and there's a huge TV and there's a gaming chair that you dismantle and put together when we come back in and come back out so we don't see it.

That's right, isn't it? Yeah. The toilet's covered in shit. Yeah. It stinks of seafood in here. And there's just bunched up tissues everywhere. I'm clean.

I'm a clean freak. And there's a drum kit. There's a drum kit as well. There's a drum kit in here. An electric drum kit. Which is more of a sign of being a wanker than the tissues. Yes, got him. Jesus Christ. I'm on a seafood diet. But what there is is you've got a pool.

I've got a pool in my belly. You've got a pool. I don't know if we've ever really talked about it, but it's quite impressive. It's like you're Kato Kaelin out the back of the OJ Simpson house and you've got your own little house out here and it's right next to the pool. Yes.

Now, I don't think I've ever even heard you talk about being in the pool. I go in the pool a bit. Right. I don't consider that to be a classic yarn. Chando, you'll never guess what. Hopped in some aqua. We should pod from the pool sometime. Oh, man, I would love that.

Hey, Chando, you know the sink. Think of me jumping in that. Bigger, bigger. Think of me jumping in that and then think bigger. No, but I've never seen you in it. I've certainly never had the invite to be in there. No, I have invited. I have said to you once or twice.

Have you? When we've been doing this on a hot day, there's been a couple of times where I've said, come around. Please remind me next time because I want to do it. Yeah. Is it really cold or is it slightly heated at all or not? It takes a while to warm up. So if it's a string of hot days, it'll get pretty warm.

Now, you are in a big apartment building, so there's many probably dozens of apartments in here. Now, this pool is so out the front of your apartment. Do you get a lot of traffic? It doesn't get used that often. Really? You know who it gets used the most by? There's some apartments in that building that are clearly Airbnbs.

Right. So, like, on a long weekend, there'll just be four of the lads over from, not to cast aspersions, Perth. Definitely Perth. Just, like, Bundy cans littering the area around the pool for days afterwards, doing bombs off the fence, just going for it. So that's pretty much the only time I never see, like I don't think I've ever seen the same person in there twice.

I probably use it the most out of anyone in the building because it's right at my front door. That being said, the building manager here loves putting up a little Passag note from time to time and there's a note that's gone up building wide that's like you know it's like printed out subject line wet feet and it's just basically saying please dry your

feet off before you walk back into the building we've been noticing some wet footprints over the building and it's like my god being treated like children. I love that. Wet feet. How are we going to clean that up? They're gone. But I kind of was thinking of getting,

I always loved growing up when you'd go to a friend's house and they had a pool and like the novelty pool signs that some families would have. And I thought about maybe going out there under cover of darkness and just getting one of those ones that's like, we don't swim in your toilet so don't piss in our pool. And just sort of stick that up in the communal pool area

and see how long it lasts for. See if the building manager goes, subject line, novelty signs. Can we not be playing funny buggers in the pool area? Honestly, I remember being a real little kid and being down the beach and, you know, being really into, like, discovering comedy and humour and being really into Mad Magazine, all that sort of stuff. Yeah, being down there and then, and like being at the beach and being at a touristy place.

Like this isn't your Maribor. You know, this is different. There's a lot of stuff to buy. This is clunes. A lot of weird fucking different stuff. It's not just Mrs. Ritchie down at the newsagents telling you not to read the comic books. Yeah. Telling you magazines aren't for reading, boys.

Well, they are, but anyway. Fucking got it. Exactly. You bitch. You old you bitch you old bitch you old bitch um but i remember there being like a uh like a shop with like heaps of like novelty like bumper stickers and fringe magnets and stuff like that and there was that there was what you just don't we don't swim in your toilet so don't piss yeah yeah so i was like oh that's comedy and that's humor i'll have one of them. And got my parents to buy me

a sticker that said that. We don't have a pool. I just had this sticker that you couldn't really stick on anything appropriate. Because I was like, that's an example of the comedy that I've seen in magazines before. And now I have a copy of it. I do love it.

Take this one. Comedy, please. The implication being, look, it's really hard for us to hold ourselves back from swimming in your toilet. So the least you can do is restrain yourself when you're in our pool. See, the sign in my apartment building, pool, fuck, this is relatable. It just says, like, you know, no running,

pool closes at 10, no antics. Oh, that's poor. That's very poor. That's good legally because that covers a lot of different stuff. Yeah. Yeah. No hijinks, no shenanigans. Come on.

No many capers going on. Oh, yeah. No soirees in case you were wondering. Yeah. But there's always like half of my building is like millennials and half of it is old boomers. And there's this one couple that's always in the spa together, this boomer couple.

We call them horny boomer couple. And they always got their legs wrapped around each other and they always, yeah, it's the worst. But the thing is they've started. That's antics as far as I'm concerned. Yeah. But the thing is they. That's even a boomer term for it really.

Yeah, antics. Yeah. And they, the thing is they... That's even a boomer term for it, really. Yeah, antics. And they... The thing is, in a very passive-aggressive move by building management, they've just turned off the spa because they don't want people going in there. I guess because the boomers are rooting in it.

Right. But that's even worse now because those boomers just sit in a hot puddle. Yeah. And you can see what they're doing. Yeah. You can see where their toes are going into each other. It's fun.

A full view of the antics. Where are their toes going? Into each other's folds. Good Lord. Yeah, it's the worst. I'm glad I'm never getting old. That's the kind of stuff you can see at Tom Ballard's Naked Comedy Show. No!

Rocket Man! All right, we'd better wrap it up there for another week. Naked Comedy Show. No! Rocket Man! Antics of 20! All right, we'd better wrap it up there for another week. Thank you, Tom Ballard and Jen Fricker, for joining us. Thank you. Thank you. You both have comedy shows coming up around the country. Yes.

Jen, you've got a big old tour happening in, what, Melbourne, Sydney? Yeah, starting Brisbane at the end of February. Brisbane, Gold Coast, Canberra, Sydney, Perth. Genfrica Inn. Oh, that's called... Antics. Antics ahoy! Some japery. It's called Very Brave and Extremely Important.

Because I'm a woman in comedy. Great title. Yeah. My show is very brave and important. And it's called Grandiloquent and it's going to be at Brisbane Melbourne Comedy Festival

in Adelaide I'm doing last year's show Enough for two weeks in March all the details at tombella.com.au what a plug what a plug eh

this guy's done this before it's beautiful I love it I'm always surprised when people come on and you go what's the name of your show and you go

oh I don't know I keep fucking mine up it's either very brave and extremely important or extremely brave and very important. To be fair, I do the same with my show.

I was about to say. My show, let's go quickly. Carl Chandler in Please Call Me Carl. Mr. Comedy was my father. There you go. So, yeah.

And me in Meat Cube. Meat Pyramid. I'm on a Meat Cube diet. Me in meat cube. Meat pyramid. I'm on a meat cube diet. All right, guys. Meat cubicle. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.

Comedy. And they've done it again. They've done it again. Did you say that already? I can't remember. I might just say it again now just in case. I might do it again. They've done it again. Did you say that already? I can't remember. I might just say it again now just in case. I might do it again. Okay.

They've done it again. Okay, they've done it. Oh, wait. Have you said that? What? The phrase? Yeah. I didn't say it yet.

Do you want to say it? Can I say it? Yeah, yeah. Well, I feel like we haven't said it. Yeah. Oh, they've done it again. That's how you're going to do it? Have I said it yet?

You don't sound too... I better say it. Okay. I was waiting for you to say it. Have I said it yet? You don't sound too I better say it Okay I was waiting for you to say it Alright You're a guest We're recording this at my house Okay

You're a guest I'm trying to be a gracious host By letting you say it Okay And then you just kind of sat there in silence And didn't say it Right, okay, sorry They've done it again

Right, okay Well, you better say it Yeah, you're right Okay Okay They've done it again Great, great Alright, now Fuck, that was good Yeah, you're right. Okay. Okay. They've done it again. Great. Great.

All right. Now. Fuck, that was good. It's like Abbott and Costello if they had acquired brain injury. That's a good one for the funny fellas. Oh, that's good. Acquired brain injury, Abbott and Costello. Who's on first?

Who cares? Great. who's on first who cares great do it up write it up who's getting electric shock therapy first yeah great put it in the book it's ready to go great great that's another one we've got a new character finally got the first character of 2020 it's been a little while it's gonna be their year it's gonna be the funny fellas year oh that's. Oh, that's what I meant to get into it. You know, we're saying, have they done it again? Have we done it again? I've done it again. I meant to say, maybe as an additional thing off the back of that,

after we talked about this a while back, should we go, okay, have we done it again or not? We've done it again. They've done it again. Did we kick a big one Bernie this week? Oh. I mean, hey, look, there's always room for more catchphrases around here. That mean the same thing.

Yeah, that mean essentially the same thing. I mean, we could work out over time, we could get into the nitty gritty of it and work out the slight subtle difference between the two of them. Well, I mean, did we do it again? It's a yes or no answer. Do you kick a big one Bernie? Maybe you can get into the nitty gritty and sort I mean, did we do it again? It's a yes or no answer. Did you kick a big one, Bernie? Maybe you can get into the nitty gritty and sort of go, what's the yardage? What's the meterage?

We kicked it, but was it a big one? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. And was Bernie even there? I think this week, Bernie present kicked it straight out of the stadium. Oh, that big? Yeah, into the car park.

I think we've kicked bigger, but I think we kicked it. Hey, definitely we could go beyond the car park. It was a good... Can you? You've never played sports. Kicking it into the car park is the shortest distance I'm capable of. So I actually think this was quite bad is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, I've got very powerful feet.

Wow, and no idea about geography. None whatsoever. In many ways, that makes me the perfect sportsman. Wow, and no idea about geography. None whatsoever. In many ways, that makes me the perfect sportsman. You don't know anything about sports or any sort of locations either? No. Wow. I do have very, very bad geography.

I don't know where anything in the world is in relation to each other. How tall do you think you are? 5'8"? In metres or in kilometres? Yeah, 58 metres. Right. I was going to say, you are bad then. Well, I've talked about this to you on the show. Have you got distance blind?

I do. I've talked about this semi-recently that I missed. I never learnt the measurement stuff at school. Right. And so the only way I can measure measurement is by picturing subway sandwiches because I know that they're a foot and six inches. That's the only way I can work out any kind of distance. Like, so if I was going to say, and forgive me if I've said this before,

but if I said how long from Melbourne to Ballarat, are you still going into that? Into the Subway sandwiches? Yeah. Oh, really? So it would take me a long time to work out. Right. Probably about the amount of time it would take one to travel from Melbourne to Ballarat.

I would need to drive and be looking out the window and just picturing sandwiches kind of stacking up along the ground as I'm driving. You would need to put a big string through a bunch of Subway sandwiches. Yes. And just let them drop out the back of the car as you're driving. Yeah. Right. That's how you would have measured distances if you were doing the road signs back in the

olden days. That's how you did it. That's how I would have done it. Right, right, right. What's the problem? No, no, no. I'm just getting it clear in my stupid head. This is my bad that I don't understand it.

It is weird that Subway came over here and they still kept feet and inches. Yeah. It's weird that we didn't... I can imagine there being an old person who was extremely put off by that. No. You know, the kind of person that's like, the fucking Americanisation of everything. No, I think old people are more...

They still work in feet. Really? To be honest, I still use some things for feet because of my parents and people like that doing that when I was a kid. Really? Interesting. Because it was always like, oh, how tall are you? It's like, you never say centimeters.

It would always be like, are you six foot, six one? So I still have no idea what I am in centimeters. Yeah, right. But I know I think I'm six one. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Do you not do that?

I do feet for, yeah, measurement of height. It's pretty common. And I wouldn't, I also, because of England, they would have a lot of times where you kick a goal and it'd be like, oh, that's 30 yards out. Okay, right. I'd be like, oh, that's 30 yards out. Okay, right. I'd be like, oh, so that's what yards is. Interesting. Yeah, so I wouldn't know what that is in metres.

Right. Good stuff. Anything off the back of that episode? We did record that like a week or so ago. Yeah, a little while ago now. We do want to get invited to a red carpet premiere, so please, if your event could do with a couple of um uh d look we're probably h listers in the overall scheme of things but in in the podcast world oh we're probably c

listers yeah yeah which is not not too bad i think we'd be pushing b don't you think oh well look i was being a little bit who's a who's up at the a will in australia will yeah um i don't know all all the radio people because they they can't really call themselves podcasters they can they but this is almost unfair because it's like will's an a-lister in his own right yeah outside of podcasting yeah so he you know no but his podcast you know it's not like it's taped off the radio it's a proper no it is a proper podcast yeah it's not like it's taped off the radio. It's a proper podcast. No, it is a proper podcast. Yeah.

No, I think that's all fine. But I'm saying he should almost bow out of being an A-lister in the podcasting world because he doesn't need it. He's an A-lister in the outside podcasting world as well. Right. Okay. If he was to graciously bow out and go, you know what? I don't need this.

I'm giving my spot on the A-list over to the little dum-dum club. Okay. But, I mean, to be fair, yeah, look, you're saying he was an A-lister in everything. And just by coming into podcasting, he becomes an A-lister. Yes. In the podcast world. A little bit, yeah. Whereas we came from, we're Z-list in the real world.

Yeah. And we've worked our way up to W-list. And also, it's like he's got other things. He doesn't need this. Right. This is all we have. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right. So you're saying, you know, he gets, if he knocks any invites back, we should immediately get that. That's, yes. Or if someone's to and froing whether they should invite Will or not, throw us a bone instead of him. Because he doesn't, he probably wouldn't want to go to these events. Well, he doesn't have to fill part of the podcaster quota right you know he can fill the tv quote ah right

okay i don't think any red carpet has had quotas between any of the stuff only four of them only four of them thanks yeah yeah we stink up the joint yeah um yeah invite us to something good and not to your short film premiere. Don't give us any charity. Yeah, oh, I'm opening a fucking shit bar. You can come to that. Oh, that's not too bad. I mean, we would go to that. Yeah, we'd go to that.

But that doesn't fulfill this challenge. But we need media to be there. We need to be photographed coming in. It's not like, oh, you can come to this thing. Oh, this is just your house party. And you're in your gamer's chair playing fucking um cubert come on there you go there you go fuck i nearly saw the cogs turning yeah i was nearly gonna go for something more modern it's gonna be crash bandicoot is it gonna be i like that one yeah

it's a good go-to sounds good yeah um cubit was always a game i liked um i think i've ever played cubit yeah i didn't mind it you're hopping around on the blocks i never could work out what you'd meant to do oh no it was good it felt good um it was a game i never owned we had an atari but it was a game we never owned and i never had the chance to buy it and so i was always a little it always made that the forbidden fruit my cousins had it oh nice go around the cousins go fuck yes you get to play this i had a mate who had i had a super nintendo and he had a Mega Drive. And just going around and seeing how the other half lived. Yeah.

Playing Sonic was like, oh my God. Right. This fucked up controller with six buttons instead of four. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. What else have we got to catch up on? Of course, yeah, look, repeating what we said. Live shows.

We're getting down to business time. It's what, mid-Feb already, nearly? Early mid-Feb. Our shows, our stand-up shows in Melbourne start pretty soon. Yep. So get onto that. Tommy Daslow in Meatball.

Carl Chandler in Please Call Me Carl. Mr. Comedy was my father. Heaps of new, brand new jokes for me. Big joke show and a fuck around show, but heaps and heaps and heaps of fucking jokes in mine. So if you like that, I haven't done one of these proper official longer runs of all new jokes and a little bit loose in there.

I haven't done one of these properly for a few years. So it's going to be a heap of fun. Come along to that. There's a cup. There's one night, I think, where you can officially see The Saturday podcast And then come to mine

And then go to yours Yeah Are there two Saturdays like that? Or maybe Yeah you're right Maybe that's It's the What is it?

April the The 4th and 11th 4th and 11th Yeah You can do that on both of them You can do a podcast at 4 Yeah

You can go my show at 5.30 Then you can see your show at 7.30. 25. 7.35. Oh, 7.35. I realised last night I'm just going to change it all on my press material and say 7.30. Tons of fucking late anyway. So it's a good way of working around that.

Good idea. And of course, you're going for a month, I'm going for two and a half weeks. So feel free to not do straight after the podcast. Feel free to come on a fucking Wednesday for a month. I'm going for two and a half weeks. So feel free to not do straight after the podcast. Feel free to come on a fucking Wednesday or a Tuesday. Absolutely feel free to do that. We'd love that. Yeah. I'm on Mondays as well.

Yeah. Are you any – I think I am too. I'm not on Tuesdays. Oh, I'm on – yeah, I'm on every day. Tuesday's the only day I don't do. I think because I'm doing a shorter run, I'm on every day. I think that's how it works with me. Yeah, come and do that.

I don't know if it's the same with you, but on Monday, Tuesdays and stuff, it's slightly cheaper for me. Wednesdays is my cheap day. Right, okay. So there is that factor as well. So go shopping. Be savvy. But yeah, you guys are always great in going to see us and other guests. But remember to prioritize us.

Yes. We're going to have two good new shows, so come along and do that. We're going to be doing those shows as part of the big package in Brisbane very soon, and we're doing our shows in Adelaide as well. So we're not advertising that per se because they're sold out, but just remember to come along. It's going to be a fun weekend. Yeah, that's going to be, man, that's back to back.

It's going to be hectic. It's going to be what? 15th and 16th or 14th and 15th? 14th and 15th. 14th and 15th of March. April, then we hang out and get up early and fly up to Brisbane the next day. Yep. Do it all again.

That's going to be good. Can't wait. Yeah. Any other pieces of business? Of course, April 25 25 the 500 yeah the big 500 live show still selling very well getting closer and closer yeah working on some stuff for it this week it's very exciting it's going to be uh it's going to be a big old hoot nanny and we get the sales report every day and there's literally buying people buying tickets every day

yeah yeah that's that's what i love i love up and going, I wonder if this has changed. Surely it won't change today. It changes every... People buying tickets every single day. Yeah, great. Fucking love it. Great. All right.

Is that all the... That's all the admin? Yeah, except for the fact that you can support the show on Patreon. Oh, welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb, by the way. Oh, yeah, welcome. I feel like we should be... We should say that every week. Yeah, welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb, by the way. Oh, yeah, welcome. I feel like we should be... We should say that every week. Yeah, welcome to Talking Dumb Dumb.

They've done it again. Yeah. What? They've done it again. Oh, okay. What? Yeah, well, I wondered when you were going to say that. Because usually you say that, so you've just...

Maybe that can be the new thing. I say they've done it again, and you say they've kicked a big one, Bernie. Okay. It's like a call and response. Right. You make the call of whether we've done it again. Yeah. again and you say they've kicked a big one bernie okay it's like a call and response right you you make the call of whether we've done it again you're the judge on that and i'm the judge on the and then you i'm happy to the kickage i'm happy for kicking a big one bernie to be your department okay right right i know that stuff better than you yeah yeah yeah right okay um but yes you can

support the show on patreon patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. It's very much appreciated by us. Helps keep the lights on. In here at Dumb Dumb headquarters, you can get a heap of different rewards for chipping in. We send out a bonus little magazine that we put together with articles and cartoons and stuff in it. We also do a bonus episode every month. But more importantly, at the end of every regular episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club, the end of every regular episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club, we read out a completely random number of names that are chosen at random to keep things fair by the unplanned title alternator.

More random than ever this week. Oh, really? It's gotten random-er. I made, we did the upgrade 6.99. Right. A new upgrade on that. And yeah, it's scrambled it even more. Wow. Yeah, usually, you know, you do a bit of a triple spin with the names, but this has added a new upgrade on that and yeah it's scrambled it even more wow

yeah usually you know you do a bit of a you know triple spin with the names but this is like added another spin this is four spins I have to say

in the last couple of weeks I have found myself thinking this isn't that random yeah yeah yeah this could be random well the UTI's heard your complaints yeah

you're pleased UTI sorry not I complaints. You're pleased. UTI, sorry, not I. Yeah, you do that a lot. And I think it's because you're thinking of STI. Well, which I very often usually are. Yeah. So, look, it's a whole new world.

So, you won't be able to make that complaint this week. You won't be going, I see what's coming next. Yeah. Absolutely not. This fourth spin will absolutely send you down the wrong alley. Oh, man. You've kind of sprung this on me. I wish I had a chance to kind of prepare for this a bit more. I know.

That old predictable bunch of names. That ain't your daddy's predictable bunch of names. This is more random than any of your stand-up comedy. Oh, man. I'm pretty freaking random up there. You are. You're very random. Tell you what.

Last night, I got up and I just went, first thing I said at this gig, I got up and I went, teapot. Oh, no. I could see people looking around going, WTF? Oh, no. Monty Python. He's back. Yeah.

In one person. Yeah. That's wild. That's crazy. That's a great ad for your show,ty Python. Yeah. He's back. Yeah. In one person. Yeah. That's wild. That's crazy. That's a great ad for your show, Meatball. Yeah. Just to think that something like that might happen. It's just a variety of random phrases off the top of my head.

Oh, my God. Saying silly things in a silly voice. You're really into that English humor, aren't you? You know what I hate? Sequiturs. Oh, do you? Yeah. What are sequiturs. Oh, do you? Yep.

What are sequiturs? Good question. So, the non-sequitur is something that's kind of random, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. So, sequitur must be a link. Is it?

Is that what it is? Something that has a link at least? Like a segue? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's your question. That's your homework, people. Yeah.

Either that or we could just use Google within three seconds. Nah, who cares? Give these idiots something to do. Yeah, you're Yeah. Either that or we could just use Google within three seconds. Nah, who cares? Give these idiots something to do. Yeah, you're right. Someone else. Don't be using up my precious internet with this. Too late.

I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Sequitur. Here we go. Definition of Sequitur by Merriam-Webster. definition of sequitur by miriam webster uh is it's a it's the conclusion of an inference uh and i don't know what that means me either there's no example there so i guess it's a mystery to us forever let's give me give me a fucking example you idiot a reasonable sequitur from that announcement is that you'll be leaving the company.

So it's like, oh, right. It's like an inference. It's like, okay, that's what you've taken from that. Okay, right. That sentence. But why is it non-sequitur? That means what? That you can't get anything from that sentence. I guess, yeah.

Because it's so random. It's so rando. That stinks. Yeah, I'm off it. But anyway, let's get into the names. We've got places to go, people to thank, names to riff on. We do. We, meaning me, have a fucking lot of shit I should have done earlier today.

Here we go with a new upgrade. Let's see if you see where this is coming. The fabled fourth spin. Look, here's a good thing for this week. This will be a good test for the UTA this week. You try and guess the name. Each one that I read out, you guess what the name is first, and then I'll tell you whether you're right or not.

Okay. Wow. Imagine if I get it. Yeah. Okay. First one. First cab off the rank. Yeah, you guess.

First cab off the rank. Rodney Parsons. Rodney Parsons. All right. Let's off the rank. Yeah, you guess. First cab off the rank. Rodney Parsons. Rodney Parsons. All right, let's hit the big red button. Maybe I should hit the big red button first after this just to make sure there's absolutely no way this could be rorted. Yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying. Rodney Parsons.

Rodney Parsons is my guess. Here we go. And bang. That is wrong. That is wrong. That's wrong. How wrong? It's pretty wrong. Any letters the same?

I'm not even sure if any letters are the same. What percentage correct? Now, look, the next upgrade may have that function, but this one doesn't. Very convenient. This one doesn't. Very convenient. Well, it would be if it was. No, it is not Rodney Parsons.

In fact, you're wrong on a number of levels. Okay. The levels, some of the levels being just letters. Yep. Some being gender. Okay. Some being... Length.

Length, yeah. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Melody Maltzen. I think that's closer than you're giving me credit for. I don't think it is at all. Rodney Melody. There's similar sounds there. And what did you say her last name was?

Maltzen. Maltzen. Parsons. Maltz. Oh, yeah. Cut. Get the fuck out of here. Not close at all.

It's, well. There's phonetic similarities. You've got to give me that. If you... Hey, for having absolutely no information at all, it's actually not bad. It's actually pretty remarkable how sonically close I've gotten. I'm a tough judge and I'm going to have to say no.

It's not close. It's close. It's not close. It's close. I feel like you should have done better. I feel like... Get the fuck out of feel like you didn't try hard enough. It's not going to get any better than this. I reckon I would have got way closer.

Oh, you would have, would you? I reckon. Would you now? Before I even hit the button, I had a feeling it was going to be this one. Okay, look, I'm going to just try and find a random name on the internet and get you to guess what I'm looking at. No, that's a different game. No, it's not.

No, it's not. That's a different game. In what way is it a different game? There's context for this. Fuck you. You are a sore loser, Tommy. That's what I've learned today. I'm not a loser. I didn't lose. I mean, look, I lost, but I came pretty damn close.

I lost by like one point. Just be a man. Fucking hell. It's close. They sound similar. As if there's never been a conversation where someone said, Oh, is that Rodney Parsons over there? Did you say Melody Maltz?

I'm not saying there has been that conversation. It's the only thing I can imagine that ever happened. You ruled me out as if the name was going to be like, I don't know, fucking Jim Alberts. That's closer. No, it's not. It's further away. I reckon that's closer. That's way closer.

All right. Well, I can't wait to do this however many more times. Me neither. Melody Maltz. We almost don't need to riff on the names if we're going to have this much discussion about the guess of the name. But I feel like we're going to have a lot of these very similar discussions, to be fair, if we keep doing this.

Melody. Well, I mean, we really are. Yeah, we're burying the lead here because that, let me tell you, folks, is a hell of a name. It is. Melody. I like the name Melody Well I mean We really are Yeah we're burying the lead here Because that Let me tell you folks Is a hell of a name It is Melody I like the name Melody

So do I It's rare But yeah I'm into it Well how would you not How would you just go You know what I hate about music Melodies The melody

Yeah Well you know some people do Some people only like stuff that's You know Weird industrial Oh yeah I guess you're right Not every You know

It's true that that is the most, biggest, most popular songs. You could say that it's because of the catchy melody. Yes. If I said to you, what music are you into? Melodic. Is that what you'd say? You'd always say that? Actually, no, it's not true.

I don't strictly like melodic stuff, but hey, it's a big part of the puzzle. But is that a tough question for you uh is that like because i don't like that when people say i've and i've talked about this recently people say what do you what music do you like in terms of genre yeah do you answer that question yeah i will i can't really remember the last time i got asked it but um well yeah because it feels like a cop-out thing to say. I do like most things. Right.

There's not too many... Probably, like, really hardcore metal stuff I can't get into and all the kind of screamo and that sort of stuff that's in that sort of genre. But you don't say, I like pop, and that means I like everything in... Yeah, I mean, I do like pop. Yes. But I like... Yeah, it is a cop-out, but I do like pretty much everything.

Right, right. Like, I never go, well, that's of a genre that I've told people that I haven't told people that I'm a fan of, so I can't listen to it. All right, so that's a genre, like real metal. That's a genre that you can rule out. Yes.

Right. I've been getting into country lately. Oh, yeah. What country? There's a guy called Orville Peck who's like a new country guy who's really good. He's got an old school name. Yeah. It's a fake name, but yeah.

Oh, okay. All right. He performs in like a weird kind of bondage mask thing. Oh, I've seen that guy. Yeah, yeah. He was in the country recently, but it's good. It's good stuff. And he does country with bondage mask on.

Yeah. Fuck. But like kind of weird gimp mask thing, but then full like the hat and the get up. It's sick. He's great. What's, what is it with people wearing like fucking, are they cowboy hats?

You know, a lot of people are wearing these big hats now, like broad brim hats. They're not like cowboy hats in terms of the, the sort of the brim is turned up. They're just like these big fucking flat hats. No, I know what you mean. What do you think about that? Well, I know you don't like it as a look.

No. I don't mind it as a look and I guess it's also hard to knock in the sense that it does have a very clear practical application. Okay. Like it really is shielding you from... It's sun smart. In terms of like shielding yourself from the sun right there probably is no better hat when you were a kid did did they have that thing yet

where you went out to play and you had to wear a hat uh yeah yeah at my primary school we had to have the legionnaires hat the little flap at the back yeah right no we didn't have that it hadn't come in yet right it was like and i remember after that this is by the time i was like i think i think someone told me this at like age 16 17 18 they said um you know mirabar doesn't have a lot to be proud about but i remember they said and whether this was true or not they said do you know that mirabar is the number one number one uh center for suicide and skin cancer wow

yeah if the cancer doesn't get you the suicide will yeah yeah yeah incredible maybe one leads to the other yeah maybe they both lead to each other

you've got skin cancer you commit suicide or you commit suicide out you know outside and you lie there dead and you get skin cancer

or so you or yeah it's like you've got the skin cancer and you're like, I'll be damned if I'm letting this fucking thing finish me off. Right, right, right. I'm not going to give it the satisfaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't want it going to number one. Just before Christmas, I was out in the sun one day and I was a bad little boy and didn't apply enough sunscreen and wasn't wearing a hat. And as a balding man, I got sunburned all over my head and I wanted to fucking kill myself is it that bad oh the like couldn't sleep because like my brain was cooking like my entire fucking dome was red and i'm lying there trying to sleep just feeling like because that's where you know

you hate the like your body temperature is controlled from. So I'm just lying. And it had gotten a bit cooler by the end of the day. You got burned on your thermometer. Yeah, I'm just lying there in bed going, oh, my fucking God. I feel like I'm going to die. Any dreams? Didn't really sleep. Just felt like I had a weird fever. Like, oh, it was awful.

It was really awful. We should be doing this quicker. But what's that thing, you know, when you try and get to sleep, but you're not asleep, but you start to get in this weird fever-like state where it's almost like you're awake dreaming. Lucid dreaming? Sort of, but you just sort of... You're aware that you're in a dream and you can kind of control what you're doing?

No, no, no, not that at all. Oh, okay. So you're awake. Right. But you just got your eyes closed and you're thinking about stuff but because you're in a, like close to a sleep state but you're not,

you're clearly awake but you're just thinking about stuff and you're just going mental. Yeah, I've started noticing that. That's how I know I'm about to fall asleep because I'll be lying there kind of thinking about things and going like,

oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm awake and then I'll kind of go down like a bit of a rabbit hole in terms of what i'm thinking about and it kind of takes me a few minutes and then i realize oh none of what i've been thinking like i'll go oh yeah tomorrow i'm gonna do this with car you know we're going to the moon or whatever and then i'll kind of catch myself and go exactly i am thinking absolute rot yes i must be really close to drifting off because my mind has wandered into this completely made up realm. Yes. That's it.

You're thinking and then all of a sudden you're using all this logic that doesn't exist. That's what I'll do. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and try and get back to sleep

and then have a hard time and then realise, yeah, I'm going, this is fucked. I can't believe I have to live on Mars now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, hang on a minute.

Here's one problem I can eliminate from your life. That's not actually happening. That's really interesting. I didn't know that that was that much of a – well, I'm not saying it's – this doesn't prove that it's the most common thing in the world. But that's something that I thought, oh, that's just like how my brain works. I didn't realize that was like a universal thing.

Well, I – yeah. It might not be. What if we're the only two in the world? Maybe you use my toilet and go off my toilet seat off me and that's – we're the only two that have it. Yeah, right. Yeah. Thanks, Melody. Thanks, Melody. toilet seat off me and that's we're the only two that had it yeah right yeah um thanks thanks

melody thanks melody um all right here we go let's do you want to try this again all right right well it's hard now hang on i'll hit the big red button okay hit the big red button yeah okay and go yep all right i've got one samantha ruddage you're going to have a hard time trying to convince me that this is close. Well, I bet I won't. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. And look, I don't like doing this, but this person's been subscribing. And this is the name that's been put in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I don't think that this is their real name. Oh, okay Well, just read it Thank you to Patreon subscriber Old Mate Okay, look, I'll give you this Yep Now this truly is not even close Great, thank you

That being said Thank you That being said Thank you That being said This is a fake name that someone's put in Yeah, yeah, it could still be their name that someone's put in. Yeah, yeah. It could still be their name.

So who's to say I'm not bang on the money? Who's to say? Okay. Well, I've got the email address. Even you would have to concede that. You've got to give me that. Okay. There's an asterisk on this one.

There's an asterisk. Now, old mate, get in touch and let us know. Old mate, get in touch, please. I've got your email address. Don't fake me. Don't try and get in touch because I know the email address that old mate belongs to or vice versa. But I'm not happy about having to read out that, old mate, because it's not your actual name, I believe. Well, you know, Mr. and Mrs. Mate, they get together.

Could be South American. They have a kid and they're just looking at it and it's like god look at him got no hair or cranky his face is all wrinkled looks kind of old

yeah looks like old mate actually looks like that's you yeah yeah yeah it's that's a thing

that's like a really old school Australian thing for people that are overseas it's a really old school thing that got brought back I believe referring to like so if i was talking to about about you to someone i'd be like oh i just spent the day with old mate yeah and with a slight bit of a you know oh you know look oh speaking of fucking channel i i just saw old mate yeah yeah something like that i like to think that i remember on purpose starting to use it a lot about 12 to 15 years ago i think i got ahead of the curve i started using it a lot going this

is funny i definitely got it from you all right yeah and then now it's just exploded yeah that's definitely from me yeah because you passed it on to everyone else. Yeah, so... I was patient zero. Yeah. I know you're patient zero. And then I fucked you. Yes. And then I'm out there just spreading my seed.

And this person is subscribing to us to sort of thank me and pay back. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Because I reinvented the name. Well, that's really all we can say about that. Yeah. If you're going to just put a fake name down there, there's not a lot we can do.

Exactly. We shouldn't devote too much time. But thanks, old mate. Thanks, old mate. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, hang on.

Okay. Hang on. All right. So you're none from one, we'll say at the moment, with one undecided. One vote not counted. Yeah.

And one that was actually pretty close, phonetically, sonically. Right. We'll have our own scorecard, maybe. Okay. Yep. Craig Zimmers. I love this.

I love your attempts because I'm quite enjoying the names. I wish the names that were coming out were the names. They're good names. How much would we be rejoicing if they were the names that were coming out were the names. They're good names. How much would we be rejoicing if they were the names? Maybe this is what the segment should be from now on. We're just thanking people that don't exist. Yeah. But you've made up the names.

Yeah, that's not bad. Years ago, I worked on a sketch show, and more often than not, the hardest part, you come up with an idea like, oh, okay, that could be a sketch. More often than not, the hardest part of writing the script was, now what should I call these characters?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like just sitting there for like often half an hour like, Jeff and Bill. Okay, that's what these two kids can be called. Yeah, that's why when you see people being interviewed in creative positions like that, you're quite, you know, a lot of times you'll see people say, oh, I named it after a childhood friend or this friend or ex-girlfriend or whatever it is. It's like, yeah, because it's just easier that way.

Or the Simpsons famously, his family. Yeah. Instead of just going, I don't know, what's the name of a person? Philip L. Abercrombie. Right, right. Yeah. But in this case, no, it's not Craig Simmons. Craig Simmons.

It's not Craig Simmons. It is Brad McCulloch. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Brad McCulloch. Look, I'm way off. I mean, I've got, you know, Brad, Craig. You've got the R and A being the second and third letters, but that's me. I'm clutching at straws there.

That's it. That's all I've got. Look, I certainly give you credit because I wish it was Craig Zimmers because I quite like that one. And you know how Zimmers is spelt too? Two Zs. Oh. Bookended by Zs.

Oh, well, now it might be slightly off. What if it had been Craig Zimmers? And I'm like, wait, hang on, how was it spelt? And you're like, Z-I-M-M-E-R-S. And I'm like, I hate to say it. I was wrong. Yeah, yeah. And you just give it up without even telling me what the spelling was.

Yep. In your made-up head. Yep. Great. Brad McCulloch. Brad McCulloch. He's no Craig Zimmers, but he's okay. What do you think of the name Brad?

Well, I was going to say, if I was a Bradley, I'd go with Brad. But now I'm starting to second-guess myself. I guess... You'd be tempted to go with Bradley? I... You know what? I think Bradley's a bit, I don't know, a bit not right. But then Brad is a bit, I don't know, like it makes me think of someone yelling at someone out of a car.

Like the person driving the car and yelling at someone's name is Brad. Yeah, I don't have the greatest feeling about it. And isn't it interesting how sometimes a name can be so overtaken by someone in pop culture who has that name. Where you just hear the name and it's impossible not to think of just positive connotation because it's like that movie star, that attractive person, whatever it is. Oh, Brad Pitt you're thinking. Exactly. But I don't have that with Brad Pitt, one of the most famous people in the world. Yep.

But he still hasn't been able to do enough to make me immediately go, I hear Brad and I feel good about it. Whereas Jennifer, you would go Jennifer Aniston. Yes. I think you would think of that a lot quicker than Brad. Yep. To Brad Pitt. So, hey, she really, she came out on top in the divorce in that sense.

I guess Brad is such a common name. It's like no one's ever going to own John. John Wick, I would argue. Really? The most famous John. Fictional assassin John Wick. Never watched a John Wick movie. I watched the first one not long ago.

I want to try and go through the rest. Any good? It's good fun. Just a romp. Keanu Reeves? Yep. Is he still? Because it always used to be the joke is he's a bad actor. Is he still a bad actor?

I think he's good. He's good. I remember seeing a film at the film festival a few years ago that he's in. And he's good in it. And it really annoyed me because his snooty film festival audience just laughing every time he came on the screen. You know, just like, imagine us seeing a movie that Keanu Reeves is in. And it's like,

he's fucking good in this role. He was playing like a, it's a film called The Neon Demon and he was playing like a creepy guy, like manager of a shitty motel. Right. So he kind of like

burst in every now and then and be kind of a bit of a weird fucking pesty kind of guy. Right. And he was great in it. Okay. But he's good in John Wick because he doesn't,

I mean, he doesn't really do too much in that film. It's all action. It's not an actor film. Yeah. As long as you just keep the pace going. But he's back in a big way. He's having a real renaissance.

People love him now. Do you know what I like? I'm not a big movie watcher. I have to force myself to watch movies and force myself to do stuff like that because I just am doing other stuff i have to try and make myself like i have netflix and all that shit yeah i have a few of those different things and i never watch anything and i'm trying to make myself watch more stuff but i have to be doing some mindless job as i'm doing it maybe i should watch it during this podcast i don don't know. Yeah. That's not bad. Just have a movie on in the background.

But you know what movie I watched ages ago? I never watch action movies. I like the, what is it, Crank? Oh, yeah. I never saw that. Yeah. Those movies were funny. I didn't mind them.

Jason Statham? Statham's good. Yeah. Statham's good fun. Yeah. I got it. I was watching those going, yep, funny i didn't mind them yeah jason state statham statham's good yeah statham's good fun yeah that was i got it i was watching those going yep i know why people watch action stuff yeah this is this is fun i've definitely come around to that kind of stuff as i've gotten older i think when i was younger i used to have a bit of snootiness yes about it like this is beneath me yeah now it's

like every now and then you just want to chuck something on with the boys right have a bit of a romp. Yeah. Maybe we should watch a movie together. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. Maybe we should. Movie night. Yeah.

Do we do one of them for Patreon and do the voiceover, do the whatever? Should we do one? Yeah. We've done it before. Yeah. It's an easy enough way of doing it. Is it fun? Let us know.

Let us know if you subscribe. Because we did one for, fuck, what's it called? The Found know. Let us know if you subscribe because we did one for fuck what's it called? The Founder. The Founder. The McDonald's movie. And it was funny. We had a good time doing it.

I wonder if people care enough to sync them up because I've done a couple of them for the other podcast that I do Filthy Casuals.

We did a couple that we put up as like band camp episodes. We put them up pay a dollar or more, and we do them like these kind of longer specialty subject kind of focused ones. But anyway, we've done a couple of commentaries, and they're a lot of fun to do, really funny.

People who've watched them have really enjoyed them, but they are far and away the worst selling ones that we've done. So barely worth the effort. All right. Well, maybe worth the effort. All right. Well, maybe not then. Because, yeah, I'm trying to think about it in my head as a consumer, thinking, oh, that means I have to go and fucking get that movie and sync it up, and that's a lot of work.

Yeah, just make sure you do something that's on Netflix. Okay. Well, take it into consideration. Let us know. Let us know if you're a Patreon subscriber. Thanks, Brad. Thanks, Brad. Thank you, Patreon subscriber. consideration. Let us know. Let us know if you're a Patreon subscriber. Thanks, Brad. Thanks, Brad. Thank you, Patreon subscriber.

Right. Hit the button. Linda Tits. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Linda DeVries. No way. Yeah. You picked half of it. Oh, my God.

And what if we looked up and like DeVries was like French for tits or something? Like I actually have gotten it. That is unreal. You got one. You got half of one. That is unbelievable. I know. I know.

How good does this feel? Man, this is great. This is the best feeling. And especially that you get Linda because, sorry, but I find Linda a very funny name. Yeah, I said it to be funny. I like it. You know what? And you'll know this because Linda Tits is an off-mic character of you

and I that's been in the ether for quite some time. It's Xavier Michaelides. Xavier Michaelides that we came up with on a car trip, or he came up with on a car trip with us. So I purely was just saying that, no offence, Linda, I was trying to say the stupidest thing I could think of. Linda Tiss was the wife of... Frankie Abbey Bate.

Frankie Abbey Bate. Have we ever talked about this? So the set-up was Frankie Abbey Bate was this really blue comedian who just couldn't help himself. I think in Perth. Yeah.

And it was always him up on stage saying horrific things. Yeah. And his wife banning him from doing stand-up, and then him being like, no, I want to do it again. I promise I can be good and clean.

And then he gets up on stage, and Linda Tits is in the front row, and he gets up and he takes the mic, and he's just sweating, and he feels the old impulses coming over him. No, he says something like, he gets up and goes, right, I know the family are here watching.

Linda's here with the kids. Keep it clean. It's all new, Frank, from now on. Gets out up and goes, right, I know the family are here watching. I've got to be good. Linda's here with the kids. Keep it clean. It's all new. Frank, from now on, gets out there and goes, so, hey, everyone, how have you been going? Oh, this isn't going well. Time to go back into the old material and then straight into, ah, fuck you, fucking whatever it is. You know what? I think Frank would fit in well in the world of the funny fellas.

Me playing Linda Tits and you playing Frankie Abbey Bate. Sometimes all you need is a funny name for a character. It doesn't matter what else happens. You don't have to write anything. Man, that's unbelievable. You guessed a half of one. In only four goes. Man, you should bring your parents after this.

Just let them know what you've just done. You should be proud of this. Yeah. Well, hey, the fifth name is coming up. Yep. And I'm feeling lucky. I feel like I could go back to back on this. I'm feeling like this isn't luck anymore.

As we've gone along, you've gotten better at this. Yes. That's what I feel like. This is like a sport now. You've been training for four of them. Yep. You know, we can do, well, we can just keep going and see how you go, I guess. And see if it just keeps getting better or better.

Or if you're getting worse and worse, we can use this as a real case study. But anyway, let's go. Let's just try the next one. I'm feeling confident. Right. one. I'm feeling confident. Right, okay. I'm feeling like I'm at the peak of my powers. Right, yeah, yeah. Well, look, you're a confidence player.

So there's absolutely no reason why you wouldn't be confident enough. Do you care to make this interesting? No, I don't think we've ever cared to make this show interesting. If I don't get 100% of this name, I will suck you off. If you don't? If I don't. So if I make a guess and then you tell me that I haven't gotten this fifth name completely correct. Okay.

All right. Wow. This is... You are really confident. I'm really confident. You are really confident. I'm really confident. You are really confident. I am really confident.

Yeah. Because I don't want to do that. All right. But if you say to me that I've gotten the name wrong, that's what's going to happen to you. Something that would feel good for you. Okay. So, look, it's almost as if you're in control of this. If.

Yes. You're not. But if. Go. You would have some kind of vested interest in control of this. If. Yes. You're not, but if. Go. You would have some kind of vested interest in me not getting this right. Okay. So that's how it would work. It would sort of work a little bit like that.

Okay. All right. I'll keep that in mind. I mean. Hypothetically, if that was how it worked. Yeah. Which it isn't. Yep.

I agree with all of that. Very interesting. There's a lot riding on this now. This is going to be good. I'm feeling tense already. Okay. Well, let's hit this button one more time maybe. And the fifth Patreon subscriber that we're going to read out this week.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber and... You've got it in front of you? I've got it in front of me. Okay. Linda Comedy. Fuck! What? You've got it right.

Now you don't have to suck me off. Oh, damn it. Wow. That is amazing. Fuck. I 100% got it? You 100% got it. Well, how do you spell comedy? K-O-M-E-D-Y. No. I 100% got it? You 100% got it. That's incredible. Well, how do you spell comedy?

K-O-M-E-D-Y. No. Uh-oh. It's with a C, so you do have to suck me up. Unfortunately, I've got to pull you up on this. I've got to pull you up on this. We're at work right now. How good is it?

How fucking good is it? Thanks for paying us to say those things just then. This is the best life. It's fucked. Alright guys, thanks for subscribing

on Patreon. Thanks for supporting the show. Your washing just fell over. My washing is going all over. Fuck! Alright,

thanks very much for listening everyone. Thanks for supporting us on Patreon. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for links to all the stuff we have going on. We'll see you next week see you mates