The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 489 - Andrew Wolfe & Ben Russell

Episode Date: February 19, 2020

Our favourite wild card ANDREW WOLFE is back in town and we've got plenty to discuss. We've roped in BEN RUSSELL to give us an explosive first hand account of Wolfey's behaviour at a recent wedding in Perth. PLUS we hear about what Wolfey gets up to after gigs in Melbourne and his time living in London. It's loose, chaotic and stupid - just the way you little pigs like it. ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Andrew Wolfe and Ben Russell. We have a bunch of live stuff coming up. Adelaide, Brisbane, both sold out. Still tickets available for Melbourne, April 4 and 11. And then, of course... April 25 is our 500th episode in Melbourne at the big, massive Athenaeum Theatre, and that is close to selling out, so get your tickets now. We also have solo shows on my Tommy Dasolo meatball and Carl Chandler. Please call me Carl. Mr. Comedy was my father.

Wow, good get. Yeah, I've memorized it better than you. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for links to all those tickets. Until then, enjoy this new episode, Andrew Wolfe and Ben Russell. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

With me, as always, is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Yeah, dickhead. God, I think we're handling hazardous chemicals today, Tommy. Usually, we've got two guests on that we're too scared to pair up with normal guests. So we put two firecrackers in the same phone booth, I believe. Yeah, this is the naughty corner week. Let's introduce our guests. Welcome back to the show, Ben Russell and Andrew Wolfe. Yes.

Hello, mates. How are you? Why am I in the naughty corner? What have I done? I know why I'm in the naughty corner. I was born in the naughty corner. Yeah, exactly. That's where you thrive.

You came out head first with a dunce's hat on. That's a great image. The doctor looking at the woman and just a cone emerging out of her. Oh, the cord doesn't need to be cut. The cone already cut it. He's been without oxygen for quite some time. There was a lot of slapping there. I was blue for about an hour.

Ben, any guesses as to why you might be in the naughty corner? No. What have I done? You just... I don't know what Tom's going to say. You're just too silly sometimes. I am a silly Billy.

Yeah, that is true. You say naughty things. You don't obey the rules that we set out at the start of the show. We send out a PDF with the 12 basic rules for the show and you break every one of them. What PDF, man? I didn't get that. I didn't even read.

I didn't even know your email. Yeah, well, you don't have Wi-Fi when you live in a bin. Yeah, where are you staying? So, Wolfie, we've had you on before. You're from Perth. Yes, that's correct. I'm sorry, don't hold it against me. To Perth.

To Perth alumni. Yeah. Yeah, we are, man. We're united. We've got a strong bond. You're not united. Russell got out. You're still trapped.

Yeah, he was a smart one, but whatever. I'm excelling out there. There's something. I guess people in Melbourne, we have like... Standards. No, I wouldn't say that either. Something like we have a bit of a...

Self-respect. Keep going and we'll have one of them. We have a sort of an idea of what we think Perth comedians are. There's a little bit of a, I don't know, not a cliche, but Perth would have the same thing about Melbourne. I think Perth... Yeah, yeah, definitely. There's always the, but Perth would have the same thing about Melbourne. I think Perth. Yeah, yeah, definitely. There's always the, it's like East West sort of gang rivalry.

Oh, yeah. What do they say about us? Man, I can't say. You guys two-pack. I'm on the gang. We're rival gangs. What's the cliche of Melbourne comics in Perth? No jokes, just stories.

No jokes, a bit stuffy. Oh, they're too PC. PC gone mad. Oh, I love it. It's PC gone mad. You can't do the R word. You can't do this word oh you can't do the R word you can't do this word you can't yell the N word

over and over why can't you start with the Kramer rant why can't you they mock it oh it's Kramer from Perth all their ideas are thwarted

homophobia isn't a punchline over in Melbourne it's weird yeah man you can get away with anything there F word R word F word do you guys hey? F word, R word.

F word. Do you guys use the F word in Perth? Do you stick your middle finger up at people every now and then? The rude finger? It's like they don't have that saying you can't say anything anymore because they can say anything. They can say whatever they want. Free speech still exists over in the West.

Unlike over here where we have to appoint like a trooper at the side of every stage just to drag people off with a crook if they say the F word or the B word like bloody dude but some of these people

should be pulled off that's to be honest that sounds like a bunch of bull crap to me yeah exactly it's complete yeah you're off your head mate yeah I don't know man

like it's probably good who knows both scenes are alright they've got their merits yeah last time I was in Perth I was did stand up there I was in Perth I was Did stand up there I was talking to this guy

In the front row Who was clearly on meth Or coke Or everything Yep I think I know that comment We were having a The club owner

I was giving Yeah that guy owns that I was giving a good Old Aussie Aussie ribbon Yep And He just flashed his bikey.

He pulled out his neck and it was like one of those bikeys. Oh, yeah. Like a necklace or what? Yeah, they have great merch. Oh, really? Yeah. That's one thing for bikey gangs.

Why did he show you that? Like you said to him in general. Yeah, I was being a little cheeky boy. Yeah, yeah. Because he was talking to me. I think I want to get into necklaces. Maybe I'll start wearing a necklace. Yeah, well, you know, I think you'd look great with a necklace.

I'm trying to find a little gold chain. We'll let everyone know that you're a fuckhead straight up. I've been hiding it too well. I want to become a necklace guy. I want to be a little gold chain guy. Let's do it at the same time. You could get away with it though because you're Italian. That's the Tony Soprano.

It's interesting you saying that because the one thing holding me back from going full jewellery is the roasting that I'd receive from Carl Chandler. So knowing that you also want to go into it, that's music to my ears. Well, let's go shopping together. What the fuck's going on? All of a sudden you guys just rock up Just in jewellery and everything Didn't you used to wear a ring? You wore a necklace before

He's married That wasn't like gang colours No It's a very small gang Yeah, you're in the gang No, but you used to wear like a surf chain, didn't you? I did not I remember you had one of those elastic

Yeah, you wore one No, you did You wore some wave rings I remember Yeah, you did No, I didn't Yeah, you did. You wore some wave rings. That trend look. I remember. Yeah, you did. The tincture hair. The bleach tints. Yeah, you did. You used to wear a sharp tooth necklace.

We all remember it. What up, Ben? Hey, Ben. That's fair. Where is your ring? Are you wearing it? No. I always take it off and I forget to put it back on because I lose it because I go to

the gym and then I put it in my pocket and then I just lose it. I've lost it like three times because I've done that. So now I just don't wear it. So you don't wear it because I go to the gym and then I put it in my pocket and then I just lose it. I've lost it like three times because I've done that. So now I just don't wear it and my wife goes crazy. He takes it off when he podcasts so that all the podcast guests

will think he's single and cool. Exactly. That comes through. If I don't clank it on the mic, people know, oh man,

this guy's attainable. It would be a disaster for this podcast if people knew you were married. If women thought that they didn't have a chance with you, no one would listen anymore. Both female listeners would drop off immediately.

Does your wife take hers off? To go to the gym when she bench presses? No, I don't think she does. So she keeps it on at all times? No, of course she does because it costs a fucking mozza, so she should. Yours is more like a fucking coke lid exactly

exactly exactly what does that mean like that I mean has anyone talked about that before I've never

understood why the engagement ring costs so fucking much I don't get it at all now here's the important bit

oh it's a fucking they're cheap and why can't a guy have a little little diamond on the ring?

We're about to. Me and Tommy are going to get necklaces and get engaged for each

other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to look so cool. But why is he engaged?

Well, you've just got engaged better. That's true. Congratulations, man. Guilty as charged.

Thank you very much. Such good news. Well, maybe if we talked more during the wedding

a couple of weeks ago. I'm sorry, man. I don't remember much. We'll get

to that. I don't think that was at the wedding. That's in the new business category. weeks ago. Yeah, I'm sorry, Matt. I don't remember much. We'll get to that. I don't think that was at the wedding. That's in the new business category. I thought we need to soften everyone up before we get to the main points of business. He's licking his lips. I can see it. Like a fox about to get in his hen house. Grimaces.

You don't sit down at Christmas lunch and get straight into the turkey straight away, do you? No, that was the garlic bread now. I'm guessing I'm the turkey. Your aunt doesn't ask you when you're going to

settle down as soon as you walk in the door. She waits until you get a full stomach. Let's not have the pudding straight away. Bit of foreplay,

let's work around it. That's a good metaphor. Before we have fucking Christmas lunch, let's jerk each other off first. Let's get sucked off. Before we have fucking Christmas lunch, let's jerk each other off first. Let's get sucked off. Now there'll be no ham until you finish your blowjob, young man.

No dessert until you finish me off. Christmas at the Dassault Residence. I've spent Christmas with you. You have. And it was exactly like that. Oh, really? Yeah. How'd that happen?

You had like an orphanage. Well, I got down on my knees and sucked him out. No, I'm saying how'd you end up at his Christmas? Because your family is Perth-based. Because I've got beautiful DSLs. Yeah, yeah. So you're from Perth, so you didn't have a mummy and daddy one year, so then you went and...

Yes. Oh, that's nice of you, man. No, I just think it was something nice that Tommy offered. My parents... No, but don't say that because that implies that your mum and dad were here and you went, no, I'd rather go to Tesla. Well, that might be true as well. No, no.

Yeah, my parents said, invite some orphans in. That's so generous, man. They're like, you probably know people in comedy who aren't going home for... Like, people have moved here. They're not going home for Christmas. And you and your now fiancé, fiancé, Maggie came along.

Yeah. It was a lovely day. That's so kind, man. It's generous. Like, soup kitchen, working a soup kitchen will get the rustles over. God, I should bring...

As your charity gesture. I should bring Wolfie around one Christmas. Yeah, give him some... Yeah, man. I'm there. That's the only invite I needed. Give him some slushies. I don't know how to dress.

I'm great at events, guys. So, Wolfie, you're visiting Melbourne for the week. You're staying in what sounds like a wonderful estate. You're touring comedian. You're staying at a place called the Miami Hotel. Miami Hotel. I think it's going under. I've never heard of that.

$30 a night? Yeah, it's very good. Shared bathroom? No, you get your own bathroom, but it's... It's $30. No, no, it's $60, I think. Oh, $60. But it's It's 30 bucks No no it's 60 I think Oh 60

But it's a It's a step down man People ask for cigarettes And money Inside the fucking venue Do you know what I mean Like it's almost I hope it's a step down

Yeah man But I think they're going Out of business What How With a business model Like 60 dollars a night And you're letting

Andrew Wolfe in Oh mate I was angry I rang down and said There's no toothpaste Or sofe in oh mate I was angry I rang down and said there's no toothpaste or soaps in here I had the cheek I'm like

what's going on this fridge doesn't work and they're like I don't even know how the fucking phone worked to be honest but I found this little loophole now so I stay there

what do you mean loophole what's the loophole it's such a cheap accommodation are you just squatting there yeah well it's not a loophole if you just stay in a shit place. That's a loophole.

It's not a loophole if you catch tinier from the bed. I wear thongs all around. Sleeping in thongs. What sort of people are you staying with at the Miami hotel? That's what I'm saying. The sort of people that ask for cigarettes when you walk past. But that's you. Yeah, well, I do as well.

He fits right in. They might be a shelter man. I don't know. That's the loophole. There's a needle exchange. They're asking for the cigarettes back that you owe them. Yeah, pretty much. So are they drifters?

What sort of people are they? They're drifters, vagabonds. Is that a word problem? Basically just like Wolfie. Yeah, basically like my family. That is my fucking family Christmas. Just travelling circus freaks Yeah yeah

Pretty much I don't know man I just stay in the room I don't feel safe at night I feel like You know Tom Hanson Big Oh yes

He's brought it up In the hotel I love that They're crying That's great That's perfect Now I have the picture Painted

And I love their crying Just praying Because also Because also That is exactly You a six year old In a grown up Totally A baby Just praying that my act gets good. Because also that is exactly you, a six-year-old in a grown-up.

Totally. A baby and just praying that my act gets good. Just going down in the middle of the night, jumping on the footpath on Errol Street, trying to make it sound like a piano as well. Off your head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that a good area though?

It's near Comics Lounge. I don't know. Is that all right? North Melbourne? Yeah. That's a fine area. I wouldn't be putting it on any postcards. I've been followed around by a guy with a mohawk and there's another guy that looked like he was going to stop his car and bash me.

Melbourne's a weird area because on one side of the block there's a methadone clinic and on the other there's an ASAP. Oh, yeah, right. So it's a real melange. I find it a very weird part of Melbourne because I don't really know what it is. Like, what's it supposed to be? What's North?

Yeah, but what's it supposed to be? It's so close to the city, but then it's got nothing really going for it. There's better options every other side than North Melbourne, don't you think? I really think it's like there's no need to go to North Melbourne. Yeah, there's stuff hidden away there, but you're right.

For being so close to the city, it should have more going on. Yeah, they should just cut straight to Footscray or something. It's got the Comics Lounge. And you can street drink there, I think. What? Well, there are a lot of street drinkers around that I've been seeing. I saw a guy having a six-pack of bourbon at 8am. I don't think that's legal. Just because you've seen it, you think it's allowed. I thought that was the rules, man. I saw a guy having a six-pack of bourbon at 8am. I don't think that's legal.

Just because you've seen it, you think it's allowed. I thought that was the rules, man. I didn't know down there. It's like Vegas. Yeah, man, I didn't know. It's just one suburb where the rules don't apply. North Melbourne is like our bourbon street. It's like what happens in North Melbourne

stays in North Melbourne. Everyone I see is walking past with alcohol. No, but that's just you walking down the street with an open tinny going, oh, this must be legal here because the police haven't turned up yet. Well, I must admit I embraced it very quickly. I haven't been doing it. Some people just can't handle North Melbourne. But, man, get on to Miami Hotel.

It's a spot. Don't just give a plug. Any people travelling down For upcoming live shows No 30 bucks 60 bucks a night At the Miami Hotel We don't want to be responsible

As I said I think There's a needle exchange Downstairs Yeah great Yeah we don't want to Catch bed bugs From our audience Yeah

Fuck they can't book that Because I need it For my festival show Take my fucking room You've got to edit that out Miami's my fucking Loophole Your loophole Stop calling it a loophole It's my fucking loophole. Your loophole.

Stop calling it a loophole. It's not a loophole. I found the cheapest. It's just a shitty lifestyle choice. It's just a bad deal. It's better than a hostel because you can board up the doors. It sounds like a hostel. Hey, shut up, guys.

This guy works in finance, okay? He knows what he's talking about. I know numbers, boys. This is the deal. Deal and a half. Don't you have a real job? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why are you staying in and a half. Don't you have a real job? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why are you staying in such a bad place?

Because it's a loophole. It's a loophole. Well, you're not listening. No, because my job's not been going well. Right. We've spoken about this in the last pod. You're talking about comedy, then. It's not your actual job.

No, my day job. It's going all right, but I'm not flush anymore. Okay, okay. Right. Because you are... We've talked about this on the show last time. You're a stockbroker or something, aren't you? Yeah, I was.

I am, I am. You was, you am. No, I am. I better say I am. I've got people's money, so I'm still operating. Just in a, you know, like a diminished state.

A bit like Miami Hotel, man. We're still running, but not at the full engine. You gave us stock tips last time, but I don't think anyone acted on it. Did you guys follow them on? No. I think they went well.

Oh, did they? I forgot they went well. Did they? I forgot what I said. Invest in Miami Hotel. Assume it went up, hey? Miami Mining Limited. Invest in loopholes. Loopholes are going to have a big year. Did you cause the global financial crisis?

I played my part. Everyone has evolved. Are you a bull or a bear? A bear? That's a term, isn't it? Yeah, but it's sort of like a... You think you have a gay scene? Dude, it's more like a trading sentiment than a...

Right, right, right. Isn't that what you do? Yeah, but I wouldn't say that I'm a bear. Why wouldn't you? I can if you want. A bear is a good thing. Bear market is like a negative dovish market where things are going down. bear why wouldn't you what's a good you want a bear is a good thing bear's a good thing bear market is like a negative dovish market like things are going down okay so market is when

it's running and it's hot right well that's what i'm asking you well it just changes when the market i don't know i can be whatever you want man i'll be your unicorn if you want you're more like an ibis place what are the various terms because in the gay community they have bears and i'm not asking about gay community i'm just uh no but the gay community, they have bears. I'm not asking about gay community. No, but what do they have? They have a bear. They have a bear, yeah.

They have a bear. They have a top. They have a bottom. Well, that's different. Tops and bottoms. They've got twinks. They've got daddies, cubs. Cuck? No, that's not.

That can be. That's sort of not involved. That's anyone. Not strictly. Anyone can be a cuck. Yeah. Yeah, that's not. That can be. That's sort of not involved. That's anyone. Not strictly homosexual. Anyone can be a cuck. Yeah, it's true. So, Wolfie, you're down here visiting, you're doing gigs, and you're really soaking up the Melbourne nightlife

based on what I've heard from you in the last couple of months. Yeah, mate, I've spiralled out. I've done gigs with you already. You were telling me about the other night you... Well, other people were telling me about you the other night, actually. They were saying... I said, did you do a gig with Wolfie the other night? And they would go, yep.

I said, how was he going? And they said, yeah, he was the last one to leave the gig. In terms of, I was the second last person, and I left him there, and he was still there. Dude, I always just want to make sure things are packed up, you know? I'm a responsible guy. Make sure the back door's locked. Yep.

Make sure all the kegs Are nice and empty I ended up going out Going to karaoke man I don't know what's going on Just by yourself It's a holiday for me I don't want to go back

To that fucking hotel Yeah okay It's better to wander the streets Than be in that place It's fucking scary So you go to karaoke By yourself or No dude I hooked up

Like some people from the show Sort of saw me And then dragged me out And they liked your comedy Then we did karaoke I didn't want to do karaoke And then we ran What's your song Some people from the show sort of saw me and then dragged me out. Then we did karaoke. I didn't want to do karaoke. And then we ran.

What's your song? Tupac, Hit Em Up. Not really. Just tell me what it is. I didn't sing. I just watch and film and laugh and cackle at them. Oh, you're one of them. That's not cool.

I'm the nasty guy. I think if you go to karaoke, you've got to participate. I mean, there was karaoke at the wedding that you tried to get into I tried to get involved a little bit but mate this is the turkey yeah yeah yeah

we're still sucking each other off I'm just getting a little gravy there's still there's still there's still hand shanties on the table

as the hors d'oeuvres are being brought out alright let's get to this you know actually what I do with karaoke I normally just riff my own lines which is very annoying so I'll just riff my own lines. I do.

So I'll just like, I've lost my wife, you know, and just scream. And they're like, what's wrong with this guy? This is like Rocket Man. I'm like,

fucking pocket dial. That's funny. That's good. I think it's funny. Pocket dial, that's good. You know what I mean? So I do that and then we met two girls

and headed out. Who's we? Well, there was another two guys. Okay. So you went out with people, audience members from the gig that you'd done. Yeah, and then we'd two girls and headed out. Who's we? Well, there was another two guys. Okay. So you went out with people, audience members from the gig that you'd done. Yeah, and then we'd just pick up the scraps as the night rolls on, you know, more and more degraded. Imagine the rough unit in an audience who sees Wolfie doing comedy.

Let's hang out with him. Let's hang. Like a human lint brush. You seem to be losing your mind on stage every time I see you. And someone's looked at that and gone, I need more of that in my personal life. It's like a safe option. Let's get in behind a mic in a different setting and see what happens.

These people weren't great people as I discovered later on. That's weird. So you went to karaoke and then you just watched, you're just one of these hyenas that just looks and laughs. I was just sort of mocking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you did well. So like every week, do you just kind of reset and forget everything?

Because like who knew? Like you've been doing stand-up for ages, and you always know that like the people that are just hanging out, that want to hang out, like why? What do you mean? Like hanging out with the audience? Wolfie's not looking for the royal family to hang out. Why? What do you mean? Hanging out with the audience. Wolfie's not looking for the royal family to hang out with. I don't think he's looking for anything better than who he hangs out with.

You seem surprised that they're not good people. I'm looking for disposable friends, you know? Yeah. I've been in the bridge. So you've been here for a good time, not a long time. I can just delete from Facebook. I don't know you. What night?

You're the Keith Richard of comedy. Pretty much, man. So you're just rolling, rolling, stone doesn't gather moss. You don't have any friends, man. They're just strangers. You go to karaoke, so then you're out of there at, what, like 1, 2 o'clock? So the two girls, then they said, oh, let's go to the casino. Right. I don't know.

Because I think we got kicked out of the karaoke tomorrow, so it wasn't great. Pocket dial. What did you do? I can't remember, man. You have to ask one of them, but they've been deleted. That works in court. I can't remember.

I cannot recall your honour. But then we went to the casino, couldn't get in there. Couldn't get in the casino. We were too trashed. Who knew? Right. Wow. That's weird. But then I thought things had picked up because I'm single now, to the casino couldn't get in there because we were too trashed who knew right wow that's weird

but then I thought things had picked up because I'm single now so these girls were I don't know if they were nice congrats yeah it's not ideal it's come off the back

of a fucking divorce but these things happen hey but you go to the casino maybe your luck's changed dude I could have I could have won money and I had two girls now

this is the fucking Conor McGregor experience yeah so you've dropped so those other guys you've dropped off. So those other guys here were dropped off by then? Yeah, they abandoned. So it was just me. Just you and the girls? No, it's the girls.

And I'm thinking, like, what's going on here? They've seen my act. Yeah. They know I'm an absolute hit. They've seen you watch karaoke. They've watched me yell at karaoke. They've seen me get kicked out. This guy's an absolute pits.

What is wrong with these girls? At what point do they wake up? Get sensible. Get the fuck out of here so then they pitched it they said let's go back we go back to our place so I'm excited I don't know what's going on man

because I'm new to the game the dating game yeah you must have had a good gig there must have been some good yelling so let's go back there's two girls I'm like this is insane this isn't happening to me

just to record this is not the dating game that you're in right now. What's this? This isn't the dating game. What the fuck's the dating game? That's not Tinder, what you did just now. What you're doing is not dating. I'm in the dating game, baby.

We're going steady, man. I met someone beautiful on a drunken night. Just for your own, I just want to make sure you're... Did you think your parents were at Crown Casino and you were bringing those girls back to New York? That was it. You've got to meet the folks and have a big dinner. Just letting you know.

Dinner dance. A big breakfast, yeah. I'm not trying to be mean. I just want to make sure that there's... Take these girls home. I'm trying to help you. Making sure you didn't... You have to burst my bubble every time I have success.

Making sure... Ben just doesn't want you To fall too hard Yeah that's right I'm actually You know it's serious Because you took these two girls To the casino

To meet the queen of the Nile Alright so Hot chili You get the invite to go back Go back to their place So I'm like Where do they live? Well where they live

Is at a fucking brothel because they were prostitutes. Wow, what a twist. That was the big twist. They go, we're prostitutes. I'm like, now it all makes sense. No wonder you're hung up on this. They're sex workers. They didn't stick at it.

Uh-oh, someone's webbing a bit Melbourne, Carl. Sorry, man, I didn't realise because in Perth the P word's fine. Oh, right. The P word's polite. No, anyway, sorry, probably. I didn't realise because in Perth, the P word's fine. Oh, right. The P word's polite. No, anyway, sorry. Probably not the best term of it. Right. But, yeah.

So. Because you quoted them then. So we were just making sure that that's not what they said. No, no. They didn't walk in the door and go, ta-da, we're prostitutes. They said, they just welcomed you into where they live. They welcomed me in. I'm like, what the fuck is this?

Like, why is there a madam here what's going on wow I'm meeting their mum that is great to walk in and still not have any idea why is there a madam living at your house girls

why has your mum got a cash register and an ATM wow you have a lot of housemates why do you live with a lot of other lonely 40 year old men

there's security out the front of your house. So you actually go into... No, I didn't go. I was just... They played the long game on me. Right. And it was like, it was all a ruse. Right.

No one could stand me. It was a trap. A trap. You get back and then they actually... They're out fishing and luring people in. They looked at you and said, easy money here. Well, they were dumb because I had no money. Yeah.

And left shortly after. That's what I was implying. They they're like what do you mean you don't have money i said haven't you noticed i haven't bought a fucking drink all night you idiots couldn't get in the casino and they said how much was it going to cost dude because they thought i was hammered they were trying to pitch some crazy ideas how thousands? They wanted like four of them for two grand. I'm like, that's a car. I'm staying at the Miami hotel, you idiot. Anyway, I left. I didn't do anything with it. But it was great to have some female attention.

I love the idea that you got to that crossroads and they said two grand and you go, nah, I'm going to go and get a Honda right now at 5am. Yeah, yeah, man. Yeah, so that was the story. Probably not ideal. I didn't choose to go there. It's not the way I operate. No, no, that's fine.

That's fine. Pocket dial sitting on my phone and calling my mum. Oh, man, I do apologise for using the P word. No, that's fine. You've been educated. Now we all know better. I'm a Perth guy. I think that was good.

Looking for a laugh. That's a nice little picture to paint of you to set you up for the listeners. That's just a normal typical day for Andrew Wolfe. Yeah, that was a work night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Knock off drinks. That's Sober October. January. That was Febfast. That's Sober October. Febfast for me where I'm taking it easy. Nah, sorry girls. I've given up sex workers for FebFast That's so Brontevo FebFast for me where you know I'm taking it easy Nah sorry girls

I've given up sex workers for FebFast Hit me up on March 1 I'll see you soon Yeah mate it does set it up quite well for the turkey story

Okay so right now now you two our two guests here Andrew Wolf and Ben Russell Bitter Rivals went to

Traditional Rivals Yeah went to a wedding we talked about this wedding quite a while ago this was a wedding I was Went to a wedding We talked about this wedding Quite a while ago This was a wedding I was invited to You know we talked about it

The last time Wolfie was on the show That's it I'm finishing the story Okay full circle Great so I was invited as well The wedding was in Perth Humber break I've got enough

Where were you at the wedding mate? My wife wasn't invited My wife wasn't invited My wife wasn't invited So that was a bit of a turning point Also there's too much travel for me this year So that was my official Too much travel I was invited

That's really got me I got invited to the wedding So That's really got me. I got invited to the wedding. So, okay. So, you politely declined. You gave plenty of notice though. About five days out. That's good, man. Dropping them late.

I think, you know, for an interstate wedding, I think he copped quite a lot of those. I think he had a lot of dropouts, to be honest, because I think there was some late inclusions. Right, yeah. Do you know where the numbers freed up? Yeah, yeah. Not only that, there was one person who went who I think he had a lot of knockbacks, to be honest, because I think there was some late inclusions. Right, yeah. You know, when the numbers freed up. Not only that, there was one person who went who I bet he wished didn't go.

That was me. That could have been everyone in relation to Andrew Wolfe, to be fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a lot. In hindsight, there were a lot he probably wouldn't have involved. Yeah, so we're hearing stories filtering back from the West to the East Coast.

Which is huge. Yeah, massive. For my brand to have this spread back. On all the comedy blogs, all the comedy nerds in Melbourne are talking about it. The message boards have been lighting up. It's all over the groggy squirrel.

Oh, mate. Surprised it took you this long for one of them. So what were the stories that you were hearing? For people at home, we just have to count how many in-jokes that Ben Russell drops on every episode that we don't want him to, without context. So there's your first one.

The last time you were on, you dropped an absolute all-time. One of the best. That stayed in there. So feel free. You'll never work it out. You'll never work again. They're called Easter eggs. They're Easter eggs with shit in the middle.

So you guys were invited and went. I missed out, unfortunately. We did the right thing, you know. We supported them on a big day. It's a listener in the show, the person whose wedding it is. It's a person who runs quite a prestigious... We won't go into absolute detail, so everyone knows exactly how it works. But it is a prestigious gig in Perth that used to pay very well

and now pays like absolute doggies. He'll like that. He'll like that. Yeah. We don't need to name him. Let's just say he's the Jeff Bezos or whatever his name is. Yeah, let's just say that. Let's just say this thing that I don't know to name him. Let's just say he's the Jeff Bezos or whatever his name is. Yeah, let's just say that. Let's just say this thing that I don't know how to say.

There's only really one. Is that Bezos? Jeff Tarzos. He's got all the comedians in Perth working in factories like Amazon. Yeah, yeah, we do. That's how it's working. For three cents an hour. Whereas the guy who used to book the gig, you know,

was more like, in comparison, was more like a Willy Wonka character. More of a Warren Buffet. I don't know what you're saying. My boss treats me very well. We have great working conditions. So this guy whose wedding it was, important context, he used to live in Melbourne.

That's how we know him. And so a lot of Melbourne comedians went over this wedding as well. Yes. So good wedding, good wedding, guys. It's actually a lovely ceremony. It would have been fun. He's a very fun guy. Yeah.

It would have been fun. There was a lot of fun in it, man. Quirk was the MC. David Quirk. That's sort of my last memory of the wedding. But he had done a good job. Yeah, that's about it. Or when he got up to MC it at the start.

No, yeah, when he was doing the celebration stuff. Because I remember, you know, seeing you first up and you were in good spirits. You were a little bit, you always do this thing where you walk up and you go, oh man, you hate me, don't you?

Don't you hate me? And I'm like, that's actually makes me hate you. It's weird. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. We have our own in-jokes. That's my one. I only do it it with you i don't do it with others and i think mainly because you also you've gotten you've done this many times before

i think what do you mean last time before gotten horrendously drunk i have done a lot of wedding made a scene right okay i've had a lot of weddings. And made a scene. Right, okay. I've had a lot of bad weddings. Have you ever objected in a wedding? Weddings are bad for me. They're a trigger. I'm divorced.

I don't believe in weddings. It's very insensitive of this guy to get married around you. It's like trying to get a grown adult to believe in Santa again. It's his fault that you came and drank all of the booze. Is that subconsciously what's happening? Because your marriage didn't go well. You're trying to go back in time sort of and save these people from having the same result. Yeah, I tried to protect them in the final round.

If I'm bad enough, maybe this whole thing will get suspended. It feels like you're quantum leaping back to your own wedding and trying to stop it. Elastic step. Right, right. No, no. It's behind wedding and trying to stop it. Elastic step. Right, right. No, no. It's behind you. Don't do it. Look, I had a lot of bad issues

because I started early and I... Talk us through your day. I was very excited. Yeah. I came in. I sent a heartfelt message. Can't wait.

What weather. What a day. To who? To the groom? To the bride and groom. To me. Bride and groom. So genuine.

I had a little... To the bottle shop. I had a bow tie on and groom So genuine Had a little To the bottle shop Had a bow tie on Yep Which is a big thing for me Little bow tie Ready to go Nice

It was quite loose Already It was And you were worried about it Because you Couldn't tie it So it was hanging on You stressed out to me

That it was too loose This was one of the first things You said to me Did you point it out to me It was the second thing You hate me This bow tie No he pointed out the bow tie.

And then I was worrying about the bow tie. I think that's the reason I got drunk. That's my fault. I want to blame him. And worrying about something being too loose. Yeah. A sign of things to come. I was having a lot of fun.

Too loose for Andrew. Burn that bow tie. Fucking hell. Send it back to hell. I was merely trying to help you. What was it, shooting heroin? He did try to help you. I wasn't trying to do it in a mean way.

I was like, hey, just letting you know. It's like, hey, your fly's undone. You know what I mean? Yeah, man. Not now. Not now. You're looking now. You got me, baby.

The listeners can't see it. Don't worry. He looked down. What happened is they had drinks there. At the wedding? Yeah, they had a wedding. They did actually have a wedding, I believe. I don't really remember.

They were serving the food, but I had a running gag where I was just having the garnish with the waiters. I thought they liked it. Oh, lovely lemon slice. You know what I mean? Like just eating the shit out of it. So they pull it out and you just eat the garnish straight away. So I'm having like the spring onions when everyone else is having proper food.

I'm like, oh, that's terrific parsley. How did you get so fucked up when you're drinking all day and only eating parsley? It's terrific parsley. How did you get so fucked up when you're drinking all day and only eating parsley? And I knew I was getting drunk during the ceremony. Just filling up your stomach beautifully for the rest of the night. I should have known that I was going downhill. At least the spear will look nice.

Dude, I knew I was going downhill though, like during the speeches or the ceremony. There was a crow making a noise. I knew you were going downhill when you turned up. Yeah, pretty much. There was a crow making a noise and I ended up going away from the whole thing and then trying to throw rocks at it. And I thought, this doesn't seem normal.

I don't think I'm operating in full flight right now. Do you know what I mean? And then I ran out when they took drinks out. I was starting to get involved because Brendan asked for a beer. We don't need

to name names but anyway. Shannon asked for a beer. Change it to someone else. I remember looking over

and it was you and another loose unit behind the bar serving. Yeah, I got

behind the bar. You got promoted. No, I got behind the bar. You got promoted. No, I don't know. They were just there. Did Jeff Bezos pay you five cents an hour to work behind the bar? That was one of the – yeah, we were getting paid. It was another way to make money. Yeah, I went behind the bar and that was another problem

because I was like Barney from The Simpsons. They had a slushie machine. Yeah, you were squeezing the juice. No, I remember many times wrapping my lips around this and then feeding it directly into my mouth

Jesus Christ and that was quite strong I think yeah it was pouring anything directly down your throat is going to

be strong it seemed like a great gag getting a glass involved really helps a lot with anything I read. That would be disgusting even if that wasn't an alcoholic slushie. Even just doing that at 7-Eleven would be repulsive.

Oh, getting on the bubble taps and putting your mouth over it is fucking yuck. I thought it was very funny when you're serving someone, because I was serving. You get them a slushie, a bit for me, a bit for you. Imagine this fucking drunk fuckhead going, I chatted out. You're just like, I'd shed his out. You're just like, I just want a beer. Just a soda water, thanks.

I'd shed his. I was serving them slushy. It was one for them, one for me. Were you doing it like a mother bird or baby bird, just sucking it out of the slushy machine, spitting it into their glass? That's what I should have done. I'll do that next time.

So what's the last thing that you, because it sounds like you were going hard before you even turned up to the wedding. Is that fair to say? You were pre-drinking before you turned up. Maybe I had a couple, who knows? But then... Who does know?

Who knows? What a mystery. Do I have responsibility over my own actions? I don't know. Is there a demon controlling me? Or am I just obeying what my cat tells me? So you still live with your parents, by the way? Yeah, man, I do.

So you're pre-gaming with mum and dad. Where are you off to today, Andrew? You look so lovely. Go easy, Andrew. What are you doing drinking alone in your bedroom again? Why can't you? Get the hell out of the house. Yeah, so that's advice.

Why are you lining your stomach with grass clippings? Yeah, yeah. That's all that's in grass clippings. Yeah, so that sort of vibe. Why are you lining your stomach with grass clippings? Yeah, yeah. That's all that's in the grass clippings. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So my memory... Just seeing Jim's mowing. Oh, I had a bit of peckish actually. My memory was I saw the dance was good.

In hindsight, I've looked at the video and I was already cackling like a witch in the background. I haven't even been able to show them that. And then I remember... And Ben, do you want to jump in at any stage of what you've seen, your translation of what had happened at this point? Yeah, so, I mean, it sort of became clear pretty quickly.

I mean, during the actual ceremony, you could hear him. I didn't know where he was, but I knew that he was somewhere. I was right behind you, man. Yeah, well, there you go. And it was just getting louder. Like you were getting, like you were okay at that point.

I was loud during the ceremonies. I wasn't interrupting. I was just like, because Quirky was doing it, so it was funny. So there was raucous, it was probably over laughing, drunk laughing. So at this point you could see see like you would flag the danger if you like you saw some danger

approaching on the fire chart is this moderate or is this this is yellow just before the red just before the red

so it swung over to about two o'clock or so but the arrow is just it's wobbling it's ready to tick over

you knew exactly what was going to happen you've seen You've seen You've seen these conditions before Yeah it hasn't rained For a couple of weeks There's a bit of wind Picking up

There's a storm coming You've been down To the Hi-Fi The festival club During Melbourne Comedy Festival When Wolfie's been there So you know what's going to go Should we leave our property

Or are we wiser To stay and protect At this point It's time to start packing Is it too late To leave the homestead No I reckon Get out now Stay in defence Pack the car stay and protect at this point. It's time to start packing. Is it too late to leave the homestead? No, I reckon get out now.

Stay in defence. Pack the car, get the kids in and get going. Do we water? Do we put any water on the lawn at this point? Just get out. Just get out before it's too late because soon it'll be too late. Yeah, the storm was coming. This is ceremony, so there's still time.

Yeah, that's right. They haven't closed the roads yet. Right, right, right. No, I think at about the time when the carrier, because they did some speeches. Speeches were good. And by then you were just, you were behind the bar doing your spigot thing.

Yeah, that was good. So I stayed out of that. Spigot? Yeah. Is that what spigot means? I was on the slushy machine while the speeches were on. Oh, what? That's rich.

What were the speeches on? Dude, once I hooked onto that slushy machine, I just couldn't let go. Right, okay. It's the greatest experience of our life. And to be clear, that's alcoholic slushy. Alcoholic slushy. Yeah, yeah. It was quite delicious, actually.

Right, okay. Oh, I bet it was with all that fucking backwash. Well, I managed to get to it before then. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got to it with a cup. Oh, wow. Talk us through this. Is this a new thing in Perth? Yeah. I got to it with a cup. Oh, wow.

Talk us through this. Is this a new thing in Perth? Yes. I call it a time waster. It's a source. Go on the cow's udder. Unnecessary middle man for you. It's a middle man. Cut out the middle man.

Anyway, after that, if I could just skip forward just a little bit, because, you you know it's just a sort of gradual yep decline yeah into madness um the karaoke was was after that karaoke was bad and uh you started to interrupt and join into people's songs yeah when you weren't uh invited this is a far cry from the vibe of sitting back and observing and filming. Being a respectful audience. Yeah, I was trying to get involved in most of the songs. Turning everything into a duet. Was I grabbing?

They had a second mic. You were grabbing the second mic. I'd get the second mic and join in. Like a backup. Instead of like the Captain and Tennille, you were trying to turn it into everything and Tennille. It was like Bon Jovi and Tennille. But not in a bad way.

That was a great backup though. And the groom, he has some friends that are crusty punks. Right. Which, you know, they're actually quite nice guys, but they don't, they like fighting. Right. And at that point, I think you had started to sound in your relationship with them.

Do you think? I know, because I asked them. They started to sound in your relationship with them. Do you think? I know because I asked them. They told me. But nothing happened. Because you planned it this way. If I was you, I'd bash that cunt up there. Because I was friends with them and they kind of don't know or like comedy. And so they were like, who's that?

They don't know or like it. Is that fuckhead a comedian? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, what the fuck is his deal? Like, great. And I'm like, he better fucking stay the fuck away from me. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, they're aggressive.

I served him a fucking slushie. They're aggressive. That probably caused a problem. How many slushies do I have to give them? They're not going to buy into your charm. That's all I'm saying. I don't know, man, but I didn't get any threats from them, so they. I thought a real turning point in a lot of people's perception of you

was during the karaoke, the mother of the bride singing a song. And she's, by all accounts, a fantastic singer. She's unbelievable, as is her daughter. And you butting in on that, I think, was a turning point for a lot of people. This cunt needs to get out. Yeah, well, and I did get out. Because I think at that point I went and lay on the lawn for a while and I didn't think I caused any trouble after that.

I think Brendan pulled me up. They ran out of parsley, so you started mowing the lawn with your mouth. Can you ask her for drugs? Now, this is the point that I heard, a turning point or maybe your lowest moment when you thought this night is over is when you asked the bride's mother for drugs. Great. I see it as a big compliment. She looked young enough to be part of the gang.

She looks like she's got money. She looks like she's having a wild time. She looks like she's so beautiful and has got some money that she could have some class A drugs. I've just seen her up there giving a speech about her daughter. She's not scared of people at all. She must have, like, you know, a bit of Dutch courage. She must have taken something.

She's happy like me. In my defence, I didn't see her doing the speech because I was on the slush mission. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, that is a good defence. Yeah, yeah. That's rock solid.

The jury knows that's going to be a good thing. Can I also explain that she's Asian, so they look very young. So she could have been 18 for all I know. Defence rest. Ask the jury to note the other bit, but not that bit. It wasn't ideal, but I knew something. I needed to right the ship, so I needed a quick solution. So I was panicked.

You needed to straighten out. Hang on, hang on. Let's get this clear. Let's get this clear. You needed to right the ship by interrupting the bride's mother. You tried to right the ship by asking her for drugs. No, no. I didn't interrupt her during a song to get it.

That was earlier on. Yeah, no. He's not a cretin. He still interrupted her song, but that was not to get drugs. That was a later thing. Yeah, yeah. I asked for drugs, and then 20 minutes later, I stopped singing. But that's what I'm saying.

You're trying to right. Is that how you were trying to write is that how you were trying to write I don't think I was trying to interrupt I was just trying to back up sing with her okay right

yeah I know what you mean it's like if you've had you're very drunk and you sometimes you need a little little something that just kind of

I was panicked because I knew at that point panic had set in do you know what I mean I was like that's the only way I know how to fix this so I started

yeah pulling the rip cord with anyone I could talk to you're on a mega sugar rush from the slushies at the moment too. You're like a five-year-old's birthday party running around. And definitely towards the end you were kind of this squinty, yelly kind of just flail. Dude, that's not true because there was a period where I was very good lying on the lawn.

No, yeah. For that three hours I don't think I caused any problems. If you're piecing together the highlight reel the way you wanted to be seen on that night, it'd be mostly you on the lawn. Yeah, that's my main memory. That's your highlight. Just catching up on a few z's. Literally best on ground.

The horizontal years. But yeah, so I I mean some people enjoyed it it wasn't my crowd the whole performance some people enjoyed the whole performance some people liked the antics

the mum sounds off you the punks sound like they're off you they were a few because I got invited to an after party so there were some people that enjoyed this

the groom came up at some stage the reception no no no we went to an after party after so I did have there were pockets of people that approved of my behaviour.

So we're kind of skipping ahead, but during the time there was a mad rush. We were going to go to the after party, but then all the comics went back to where the other comics were staying,

Airbnb. And we wanted to get out of there before Wolfie knew what was going on. Oh, the classic. Trying to lose the title is... We didn't want him... But I found you guys. No, the classic, trying to lose the tail is. We didn't want him. No, did you?

You didn't come back though. No. Yeah. You found us waiting for an Uber and you just started like yelling, like, where are you going? He just started yelling at me. And so I just, like, it was really annoying. It was super annoying.

Just this fucking sweaty, wet man. Just screaming over and over, where are you going? Just going, ah! Oh, you don't like me, no! We're back to that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you don't like me, no! Don't like me, no!

How come you don't like me? Just being wet and moist. Can I inquire about the state of the bow tie at this stage? How loose is the bow tie? That's long gone, dude. The cufflinks are gone. The cufflinks are gone. Silver cufflinks are long gone. I probably swapped those for drugs. I don't know

what happened. So you said there were pockets of people like you. What did the groom say to you? Look, he said that I need to chill out. Did you really note that pause? A pregnant pause. And if you know... Pissed some people off, you need to chill out. Did you really note that pause? A pregnant pause. Yeah, yeah. And if you know it pisses people off, you need to chill out. And that's when I went down on the lawn.

I do take instructions. That was the lawnmower. I take instructions. Imagine being told by the groom to chill out. Yeah. Who's a friend of ours, but an absolute pig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a complete party. Someone who doesn't know when to stop and then he's going.

This man goes for just benders. The groom has probably gone four nights without sleeping. Yeah, probably, man. And he's gone wolfing regularly. And he's telling you to chill out. Well, you know, the king has arrived. Party boy. Look at the end of the day, I don't know.

There's about 108 days in the groom's year. Yes. Dude, I don't do well at weddings. On his advent calendar, there's like two chocolates. And he's telling you to fucking settle down. I don't do well at weddings. It's too formal for me. Anyway, so the Guinness Book of Records has rung up and gone,

no, we don't go that high, actually. We don't. Anyway, so he's screaming at me, where are you going? Where are you going? And I just go, and I just go, no! Go on! Get out! Get back to the grass!

Like a dog, man. Like a dog. And you know what? He threw a tennis ball? It worked. He just went, oh, cup! Oh, no! And I was, go on! Get! Bad dog! Worked He just went Oh cup Oh no And I was God Get

Bad dog Why didn't someone do that to me earlier in the night? Throw a tennis ball out in the lawn I just treated you like a dog And it worked So you're saying you have no self control But if someone can conduct you in the right way You're controllable

No I don't think those formal settings are work because i think it's the crossing of the various worlds you know you got work more formal older generations and i am i don't have an edit button so i can't cross into that world right do you know i mean because i won't change what i do okay so you to you there's no there's no control possible no man you buy the ticket you go on the ride i don't think anyone bought the ticket my thing is buy the ticket You go on the ride I don't think anyone Bought the ticket My thing is If you take me out of the cage

Then don't be surprised If I bite you I think you've forced people On the ride An animal out of the cage People would just go And get some fairy floss And you've herded them

Onto the fucking Dude the thing I'm upset Because I've never They're like We came here for a Birdie Beatles show bag And now we're upside down In the fucking

But I don't I've never sold myself As anything but this. Do you know what I'm not saying? I'm not telling people... Again, that's not an excuse though. I'm not saying like I'm an office worker. I'm telling you that I'm going to scream at the moon.

That's who I am. It's kind of like you're the guy operating the Gravitron who's just in that little booth in the middle that's not moving. Yeah. And he's just watching everyone else around him spin around. But to him, the world stays central. You know what I mean? That's you.

You're in the eye of the hurricane going, this is normal to me. Everyone else is just caught up in your chaos that you're in control of. I've had other problems at weddings. You wouldn't be surprised. This is not the worst. Was this your worst?

No. Wow. Wow. What number is this? You put your dick in the slushie machine? I think I was cut off at my sister's wedding. I had a mate. Give us top three disruptions at weddings.

Worst disruptions. Best man at a wedding. And it was... Responsibility. It was in a hotel. And two of us ran and tackled the Christmas tree, which was the... Oh, my God. And knocked it down and then sort of stopped things for a while

while they fixed that out. Did you organise this wedding and you thought that you had to have a Christmas tree for a wedding? No, but that was when I was much younger. The other one, I went missing at a wedding on a beach and then they had to stop to try and find me because they thought I'd drowned. They stopped the ceremony.

No, they had finished it, but the bride and all of them had their iPhones down on Cot Beach trying to find me, and I was behind a bush. What, hiding or unconscious? They were looking because my partner was distraught, thinking like, I think he's drowned, we've got to check, we've got to check, and the whole wedding party were wandering down the beach. So that was probably a bad one. And just to confirm, this partner's gone now?

Yeah, yeah. Wait, you were hiding behind a bush? No, I fell asleep in a bush. Oh, no, it was a bush. No, I fell asleep in a bush. Oh, no, it was a prank. No, it wasn't a prank where I go, that's a surprise. I ruined your wedding. Another wedding fucked.

Fuck weddings. No, and then, when was another bad one? We had one in Rottnest. There was a lighthouse there. And I think there was a bit of a scuffle with the DJ because I wanted him to play Round the Twist. And he refused to.

And it escalated. And we were shaking the table going, you fucking play Round the Twist, mate. And it wasn't ideal. So that story came back. You actually look like you were in Round the Twist. Yeah. I love Round the Twist. You definitely have got a Gribble vibe too.

Round the Twist is a great show, man. But then, yeah, you know what? The end of that story was I went to a house party But it wasn't a house party It was just people hooking up Right And then I They drove me into the city

And I tried to I ordered an Uber But I fell asleep In an Uber No In the city This is in Perth At our groom's wedding

Yeah So you went to the after party What was the after party like? It was awful man There was no alcohol there Really So That disbanded But then I went to the after party. What was the after party like? It was awful. There was no alcohol there. Really? It was a washing machine.

So that disbanded but then I went to the city with like two guys but then tried to get an Uber home and fell asleep. So my shame spiral started with me waking

up in my suit in the middle of Perth city. So did the Uber just dump you in the middle of the city? No, no. I got an Uber to the city And then I tried to get an Uber from there to my house

But I was so drunk Why are you stopping off in the city? They called multiple times And I basically fucking was homeless, man Oh, right, right, right, right So I just woke up in the middle of the city A car parked in front of an unconscious body Yeah

And rang you And you didn't answer No, I didn't, so they drove off So I sort of woke up So you wake up fully suited under a bridge Yeah. And rang you. And you didn't answer. No, I didn't. So they drove off. So I sort of woke up. Yeah. So you wake up fully suited under a bridge. Well, not fully suited because I'd lost half of the shit.

Yeah. I had like my jacket and stuff. Right. It was a great, great way to wake up. Yeah, good. My memories were good ones. You guys were the ones that filled in all the bad details. I had a lovely night. You have fun.

Yeah. But for everyone else it's an idea. Yeah, yeah. You've cherry picked all the best moments. Everyone else had to cop all of them. There were some good moments. You have fun, but for everyone else it's a nightmare. Yeah, yeah. You've cherry-picked all the best moments, but everyone else had to cop all of them. There were some good moments. We had some laughs. That sounded fun. So what are you doing?

People had some laughs. The next day, are you going on the full apology front porch? Dude, I thought I should give it some space, hey? That's smart. I was like, fuck, I don't want to go straight in there. That's smart, I think. And then I... Yeah, you don't want to say sorry for fucking your wedding straight away.

Give it a year to simmer. I didn't want to linger in it. To be fair, I don't think he fucked the wedding. I just think that he provided an unwanted element. Yeah, there was a mozzie in the room. Yeah. Right, right, right. It was a big mozzie.

Right, right, right. More of a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was more of a fucking rat. I didn't do that, by the way. It was a rat. That's good. Rat in the shed. I had of a fucking rat It wasn't my intention To do that by the way It was a rat Rat in the shed I had good intention

So that wasn't a plan Like every bit of that In my head You didn't have that written out He pitches this Like as negative But to me It is negative

To me I was joining in On the karaoke Do you know what I mean Yeah yeah sure And a lot of it was banter I think a lot of it's fun So it's everyone else's fault

God he's using the banter defence. No, no. It's not what's wrong. It's just fun. Yeah, yeah, sure. It depends on your, you know, like what we were saying, the fire scale. Yeah. That's fun to me.

That's fun. Yeah, you're right. It's different to everyone. It depends if you're right or wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll accept that I was wrong and I did feel ashamed about it. And it's been much worse now that I've heard the details because normally I would like to have

just moved forward. No, I love all of it. I love all... Alright, let's put a line under that wedding. And I have grown since then. Have you really? Bullshit. Because you told us...

A week on and I've really learnt from it. Yeah, exactly. I'm a different man now. We already heard a dumb story that you did after that. You're not wearing a suit anymore? Yeah, yeah. I've changed, you know. You don't have your story that you did after that. You're not wearing a suit anymore? Yeah, yeah. I've changed.

You don't have your cufflinks? Everyone gets a chance, a second chance. I've come good now. We were talking now. So you're a big traveler. That's something I didn't know about you until the other day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So where have you traveled?

Dude, I lived in London for like seven years. So then we were based there and I traveled everywhere. I've been like, my job meant I could travel. So I've been all over like Europe, whatnot. But London was the main spot I was. Did you... You go over there a lot, hey? I've been to London.

Yeah, it's a bit wild there. The good thing is you're anonymous in London. So all the crazy stories are buried. You can go to all the weddings you want. We did so many wild things in London though. London was the best because I actually had a place there that I owned and then rented all the rooms. So I was the landlord.

I had a five-bed place and I rented it in Putney. They paid for the mortgage and basically it was called The Vortex and it was just a wild drug den house, crazy, for seven years. I don't really remember much of it. And look at you now. And look how well it's turned out. Wow. How much damage do you reckon you've done to your body?

I've done so much damage. Yeah. Some crazy shit, man. I swam across the Thames. What? Like drunk and with mates. Across the whole thing? In the middle of winter, I got in my car.

You swam across the Thames? There were trolleys in there? That was probably the worst thing ever. And the thing that you under. Did you put them in? Did you jump in in the trolley? We probably originally put them in years before. So they were returning to karma. But we swam.

It was actually the worst thing I ever did because the currents. I wouldn't go that far. It was like day three of a bend. The currents are pretty epic, man. And I got like halfway through because they were cheering and then it turned to like, oh, shit. It was like me at the wedding. epic, man. And I got like halfway through because they were cheering and then it turned to like, oh, shit. It was like me at the wedding. Oh, shit.

There's no bushes out here to sleep behind. Because I couldn't get out of the current. It was in the morning. How big of a swim is this? So you tried to go directly across the pitch. I got in there and then basically halfway through I started to go under and I was like, oh, my fucking – this is how it ends. Yeah.

But then I had the – because I was pretty drunk probably. I'll never eat garnish again. I had the thought. I found another beer in my pocket. I had the thought to float on my back. That's what I did. Oh really? I floated on my back and stopped swimming because I ran out of energy.

And they just watched me drift off into the fucking distance. Down the Thames. And then eventually I drifted to the other side and they ran down and got me. No wonder people thought you drowned at this wedding. You've got form. And everyone got sick. I got sick. My partner got sick from the water because there was rat urine and all sorts.

There were rashes. She had a rash all over down her legs and back from touching that water. It's horrific stuff. Who knew that the Thames was... I'd watched that Kramer episode And I thought you could swim You know That was set in That Kramer episode

The Kramer episode The episode of Kramer Where he's swimming in the Hudson He swims in the Hudson And I thought like It's not a bad idea It's a different river though Yeah I know

But I thought it's Maybe it's a place to train And it's fiction Build up Build up some core strength I know Jerry Seinfeld Has the same name in the show But it's not a docker It's not a documentary Build up some core strength. I know Jerry Seinfeld has the same name in the show, but it's not a docker.

It's not a documentary. What's the thing, the channel, the French channel? What's the channel they swim across? The English channel. English channel, yeah. Try the Thames pricks. That's the real swim. But it was pretty bad, hey? You never know.

You know how they talk, stay away from water when you're drunk? Good advice. Yeah, good advice. I reckon they do know. Yeah, yeah. It hey? You never know. You know how they talk, stay away from water when you're drunk? Good advice. Yeah, good advice. Yeah, I reckon they do know. Yeah, yeah. It's not you never know. It's everyone knows except for you. And I think I'd eaten 30 minutes before.

Filled up on parsley. I think you can just, like, you can sell this one episode to schools. Oh, yeah. As, like, an anti-alcohol ad. Instead of sitting the giraffe around in the bus. Yeah, exactly. You just play this. We make a wolfy...

It's like that photo on the smoking pad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Horrible warning. Yeah, we make a wolfy puppet that lectures kids about how to behave. All he does is, Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh, you hate me, don't you?

I saw a whole bunch of six-year-olds. You hate me, all you kids. Well, that's what they say, man. If you can't be a shiny example, you should be a horrible warning to everyone. No one says that again. Let's be clear. No one says that. That shouldn't be a thing of pride to me.

It depends how you would operate, man. I'm only here for the ride. I like that. It's like if you can't teach someone to be better, just be really fucked. Just be the worst version of yourself. So someone else can teach people to be better and point at me. It kind of checks out. Yeah.

It's not the worst logic. Yeah. Yeah, this is the one point that he's made. He's got his boys. It's a race to the bottom, boys. Carl, we've talked on the show previously about if you were to do a redo of your wedding and invite guests from the show who you've become better friends with, like famously Nazeem Hussain, not invited and likes to bring it up all the time.

He's someone who you would invite now if you're doing it again. Do you reckon, based on what you've heard, do you reckon Wolfie would get or you'd have a restraining order out on him just for the day to keep him as far away as possible? Funnily enough, the person who we're talking to, the groom of the wedding, I did invite him but I said, you have to not absolutely fuck anything up or fuck anyone else up at this wedding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, oh, my God, I would never do that or anything like that.

But he couldn't make it anyway. Yeah. But knowing what I know now about you, look, I don't think you can invite anyone knowing what you've, the demons inside. I'm happy to get away from weddings. I think that was my last one. Well, I've got a surprise for you. I'm getting married and I would love for you to be

the celebrant. Dude, I'll run the karaoke. Knowing Maggie, that will never happen. Just joking. Dude, I can operate the bar for you. It'll be good. Yeah, I would really appreciate it.

I'll tell you what. I'll float the idea to Maggie. I'll see how you go. I know that she loves... Don't let her listen to this podcast. Yeah, I know that she loves me. You might be the most permanently on tilt man I've ever met in my life. Yeah, I don't know, man.

I'd like to straighten out, but... But I'm not going to. I'd like to, but I wish that i had some kind of control of my own actions unfortunately yeah it's out of my hands it's it's i mean people that listen to the show mistake people listen to the show and have god has nothing to do with this he designed this people that listen to this show know that we've got a big fondness for any perennial fuck-ups characters yeah and and you know that's why got a big fondness for any perennial fuck ups characters yeah and you know

that's why we are absolutely drawn to you Wolfie like it's like I feel like we've got all the stories out of Capper and Blakey that we can

for a while now we just need to mine you for a while dude I need to bury some of these stories though or record them and give them to us

yeah yeah I can give them to you but fuck well we'd better wrap it up for another week that is just about the time is that really all there is?

Yeah, we can do more. No, no, no, no. It just feels like we've done one story and it's like, fucking hell. Well, there's a lot in it. It's a rich story. Time flies. It's no sawn off socks, I'll tell you that much. Time flies when someone's fucked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just, you know, I don't, stop asking me if I hate you because I don't. I won't do it anymore, man. Make it official. Yeah, I don't hate you. Ben Russell likes you. Thanks, mate. That means a lot to me.

Especially after the wedding. I more feel sorry for you and all those around you. Cheers, mate. Incredible. Well, Ben Russell Andrew Wolf thank you very much for joining us you guys have things

coming up at various festivals to plug yeah you want to go yeah man I've got my life of the party and I'll be off my meds cutting sick

Andrew Wolf life of the party that's in Melbourne it's only 20 bucks so you don't even have to come just buy the ticket oh nice to be kind

what a great function I don't even really want you guys there, but someone buy us some tickets. So that's Life of the Party. Andrew, that's in Melbourne. And where else? Anywhere else? Only in Melbourne.

I'll be running wild stories and see if they take your face. That's in the Comedy Vessel, so late March to mid-late April. Yeah. Great. I'm doing a show. I'm doing a couple of shows,

but one I'm doing, Walking Funny with Funny Lady, which is an immersive theatrical experience in an area of Melbourne. Which should be fun. So it's not all around Melbourne. It's not all around Melbourne. It's just in this area.

Just in an area. This is a five minute discussion before we began. Trying to get you to clarify where exactly the walking tour is. Well, we've kind of got a brief area at the moment, but we're still sort of working it out. You're trying to discover

new streets. No, no, no. It's not much of a tour. It's more of just like an immersive theatrical experience. That's where I want to go. Good for customers to know that they're not doing

three laps of Melbourne. No, no. You've planned a certain route. No, no, no. I want to stress that there'll be very little walking. Don't base your step count on this show.

No. Don't be thinking like this is going to really burn some calories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can still do a workout in the morning and you won't be working. walking in it. Don't base your step count on this show. Don't be thinking like this is going to really burn some calories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can still do a workout in the morning and you won't be working. Hit the gym. How big's the area, man? I don't know, dude.

You can't tell me? No. It's so fascinating. We can't wait to go to find out exactly how many meters are involved in this tour. We're doing 15 people per show. Wow. And so it's nearly. Well, so are all of us probably.

I'll be lucky to do that. I'll do it on purpose. And so it's like, it's selling out, which is weird. Oh, great. Yeah. Sick.

Great. So go check that out. Check it online. Thanks very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you next. Thanks.

And they've done it again. See you next time. Bernie? That's, hey, we've discussed this. That's not my jurisdiction. That's for me to say. Yeah. Yes. I'll say yes. Yep. That was, that was, that was, that felt good off the boot and went high pretty quick. And it was actually a hard one to mark up the other end of the field. A lot of people went up for it. Right. But it was one of those ones where it went right up and then down and then hurt the fingers on the way down.

So I don't think it was a clean mark. Right. But it was one of those ones where it went right up and then down and then hurt the fingers on the way down. So I don't think it was a clean mark. Right. But it was a big one. Big one. Maybe if there was to be some kind of visual symbol for kicking a big one, Bernie, it's you and you're like the umpire, but instead of the two fingers, it's like the two middle fingers. Oh, yeah.

Right. Right. So there's an umpire just for kicking. Yeah. Right. Kicking a big one, Bernie. Yep. Yep.

Yep. I like it. That's it. Yeah. Good ep. Wolfie. Do you guys like Yeah, good ep. Wolfie. Do you guys like Wolfie? We like Wolfie.

We like Wolfie. Yeah, lots of fun to have him. A psycho. Yeah, there's something wrong with him, but that's the way we like him. Yeah. Good fun. Good fun with those two guys. Yep.

Great ep. As we discussed up the top of the program, lots of live stuff coming up. Brisbane and Adelaide getting a lot closer to those shows that are both sold out. But just a reminder, don't forget to come. April, sorry, March the 14th and 15th. That's it. Adelaide and Brisbane, respectively.

And then our solo shows in Melbourne, mine, Tommy Dasolo, Meatball. Feeling very good about that. Going to be a very fun month of shows. And then your show? Please call me Carl. Mr Comedy was my father. Lots and lots of jokes and some fucking around,

just the way you like it. And that's on something like, it's just in April. It's like two and a half weeks in April. Like we've said before, I think both shows, the two live podcasts in the afternoon of April, that's 4th and 11th of April, straight after those, you can go and see me straight away in the same building at the European Beer Cafe. I am on straight afterwards downstairs.

And then you can go and straight away and see Tommy's show that night. And they're the only nights where you can see all three at once. Yes. A brisk stroll about a block away to get to my venue. So not too complicated at all. If you feel like a big dum-dum-a-palooza. And a lot of people in the past have done that on the final night of the festival. Well, you've got your chances to do it on two nights only.

Yep. And you can't do it at the end of the festival, unfortunately. So get on to that. Get your tickets now. And then, of course, April 25, the big 500th episode. Tickets still selling, getting closer and closer to being sold out. But jump on it now. It's assigned seating, so the sooner you do it,

the better for your own interests of being able to see our cute little faces from as good of a seat as possible. Yummy. So get onto that. LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where you can go to get all the tickets. You can also find on that website a link to our Patreon. What about before we get into that bit? We're always wanting to do a shorter one of this,

and let me extend it by saying this. I got correspondence this week. Look, as we all know, there is no Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. We declared last year the third and final one. Still just an absolute miracle of... Can you let the cat in, please, Tommy? Because the cat is scratching the door.

A little crunchy. We locked her out and now she's desperate to get in. As soon as you close the door, absolutely fucking hates it. So she needs all doors open at all stages. But we said Coastal Moving International Podcast. No, I will not open the door for you. Okay. We are not going this year.

We called it off. We said third time's a charm. And that's all well and good. I've since sort of had a bit of a regret because I realised that I now have no actual reason to go there. I was able to go there the last three years in terms of like it was business.

You have been there once since. Yes. Already. Yes. But I'd love to go again, but I can't. Yeah. Yeah. But my point being, the first year we went, what's happening right now is what I've heard word of. What's happening right now as we speak is there's a wedding in Koh Samui between two people that met, that got together on the first international podcast festival.

Really? Yeah. Interesting. So that's happening right now. And they're having it in Koh Samui. Yes. That's beautiful. Yes.

How insane is that? Yeah. I mean, I'll check email again for the invite. Yeah, a bit weird for us to not be asked to do any kind of official, you know, MC the wedding. If we're ever going to be asked to MC a wedding, it would be this one. You would like to think it would be that one. You'd like to think? Yeah.

Fucking hell. Well, now, I mean, now we've got to hold out. So, we've been instrumental in these guys' meeting. That's great. No invite to the wedding. You know what? That's fine. Busy time of year.

Not ideal. But, you know, I can let it go. But what we've got to lobby for now? They get married. You know, what's the next step? Honeymoon. Yes. I want to fuck the husband.

That's the natural next step. We've got to have some kind of reference in the name of the child. Oh, no. That's the only way these people can make up for us not being invited to the wedding. Well, so this is how I heard the story. So they're over there now for the wedding. You'd think that would hit us up and mention something. Anyway, they're over there for the wedding right now.

Some other listeners of the show are independently over there as well. Just by complete coincidence. Complete coincidence. Not friends of theirs. Just people that happen to be there as well. Just want to go. Yep. And they ran into them.

And then they were like, oh, this is what we're doing. You're invited. Ah. So just other listeners that didn't even know them were sort of invited along. Just by happening to be in the same. I mean, that's rough if you're having that conversation and they're still, I mean, they kind of had their feet to the fire. The couple did.

Well, also, it's not like, you know, obviously, I would say, obviously, it's on the beach know obviously i would say obviously the beat it's on the beach the wedding would be on the beach so it's like oh sorry but there's no room yeah yeah yeah and do you need an invite just wander over yeah i was in a park with a friend the other day hanging out and there was a wedding just happening just in a big in a pretty big common area of the park yeah and we were like it was kind of in the area where we were going to sit and hang out and we were kind of walking up to it and we're like oh this is happening i guess we can't really sit right up against it but then it's like i mean how far away how close is too close yeah yeah yeah but we truly were like what is to stop us from just wandering up and having a look yeah just

plonk down in a back row totally Totally. There would be people who do it. There are. I remember whether that's a small town thing or not, but I remember that being a thing where it was like, okay, such and such's wedding is on and people that aren't invited are like, yeah, we're just going to go for a look. Yeah, brutal. They just knew it was on, like busybodies. It's a small town.

It's not enough to do. They just go for a look. And there's even that phenomenon of yeah you're invited to the wedding but not reception yes so you can come and see the the deed but we're not going to fucking feed you see the boring bit you're not getting any free booze yeah well they're like this one in the park i could because this park was kind of near that but that is such a step up from you know that thing of like you're invited to the engagement party but not the wedding yeah like there's a bit of a slap in the face i've had that a few times and i did not care at all

got invited to the engagement and the bucks and then not the wedding i was like it's fun yeah yeah look personally i'm i'm the same as you i don't care but that is definitely a thing that people some people would be offended some people take to heart yeah yeah yeah but yeah that's another level i reckon being invited to the the the boring come and sit in a church and be bored for an hour and then everyone goes hooray time to celebrate but not for you not you you're an alcoholic yeah we don't want you there you can go home and make yourself a sandwich um uh yeah this wedding in the park was in a park not too far from my house and i did think what if i just race home now chuck the suit on just plonk down in this wedding. Yeah.

This park wedding. Yeah. Just see if anyone goes, who are you? Wedding crasher. Yeah. And, you know, they wouldn't really have any license to kick me out because it's just the ceremony. I'm not getting anything out of it other than just basking in these people's life. You can't go, don't come in here and drink our free booze or whatever.

And also, it's a hard thing to get aggressive and stuff like that at a wedding because all of a sudden you look like the bad guy. Exactly. No one's checking ID on the way into a wedding. Yeah. And then what? All of a sudden some guy gets up and goes, he's not supposed to be here on the best day of your life

and everyone else is happy. Get this cunt out of here. You can't do that. I would think I could very easily make the argument, why are you doing this in public in a big park, in a big communal area, if you don't want people, you want people to see.

So what, I'm allowed to observe the ceremony if I'm just on the other side of this pond? Yeah. But all of a sudden I'm here, in a seat, trying to make out with your auntie, and that's inappropriate? Get the fuck out of here.

Also, these wallets were here when I got here. Yeah. With your driver's licenses in there. But legitimately, you can go, I'm homeless. This is where I live. Yeah. You're actually in my bathroom right now. You're gate crashing.

Yeah. You're gate crashing my abode. I was going to take a piss just over there where you guys are standing. Can't now. I'm doing the right thing by not pissing right now. Yeah. I'm holding on until you guys are happy. I've pissed there dozens of times before,

hundreds of times before. I've marked my territory. If we were dogs, you'd be dead right now. Exactly. And there's no court that would convict me. You'd be in dog jail at the very least. Walking the yellow mile. Oh, yeah.

Because it's made of piss. Well, congratulations to that couple. Yeah. But slight tinge of fuck you in there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. You know, sometimes it's just nice to be invited to something. Yeah. That slight tinge of fuck you in there as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. You know, sometimes it's just nice to be invited to something.

Yeah. You know? You wouldn't even necessarily have gone. Oh, I mean, I would have definitely, but yeah, yeah. That's the joke I was making. I would have surely. See, that's the thing. That's the new angle of things.

I'm just looking for reasons. I've got to come up with legitimate reasons to go. I can't just like, I can't go. But if I can convince my wife and, you know, I think she's convincible, but I've got to have a legitimate reason. Did you have a legitimate reason when you went in like November or whenever it was? Like just a couple of months ago? Yeah. Legitimate reason, I really pushed it across very forcefully that I'd been working so hard that I was working day and night that I was about, you know, I was really cooked. I was really, if I couldn't have something on the break.

If I don't have a break, I might chuck you and the kid in the car and just run a hose from the exhaust pipe. Who knows what I'll do? Drive into a dam, you know, whatever you're most scared of. Yep. I'm happy to threaten that. Clowns. Yeah. Will that help? Dark. I'm happy to threaten that. Clowns. Will that help?

Dark. I don't know. Fucking Darth Vader. So, yeah, look. You'll be fine. If you can get that trip over the line. I was putting a bit of mayo on it. Oh, you're the mayo specialist.

I just had some mayo. I was, but I legitimately you know it comes across better when you believe it and I believed it what do you go to work for if you can't go and do

the things you want to do sure and I was working day and night sure I was working fucking crazy and then all I wanted to do was go over there and relax and that's why I went over there

and had a gob full of sleeping pills with Rosie every night so yeah really relaxed how honest were you with her about what you'd been up to uh well you can't lie if you don't say anything okay good yeah yeah um i mean that's not the worst thing in the world to do no what about this how's this i've got to get to the bottom of this

speaking of that now my wife is very she's very straighty 180. She will have like an occasional glass of champagne, very occasional glass of wine, never touches anything else. Favors champagne over wine as a default. Yeah. Just like around the house? Yeah. That's interesting. Well, you know, when you're married to someone like me,

why wouldn't you celebrate every day? Yep. No, interesting. Well, you know, when you're married to someone like me, why wouldn't you celebrate every day? Mm-hmm. Yep. No, nothing. Okay. I put a space there for you. Anyway. Yep, it's fine. All right, we'll move on.

Great. I'm fine to sign off on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing more to add. Great, great. So she is legitimately scared of most things. Mm-hmm. She is like, I'm sure I've said this before,

the first time we ever went to Koh Samui, very scared about it. Scared of Southeast Asia. Yeah, very scared of that. We went back a year later. She was scared again. I had to say, you do realize we're going to the exact same place. Remember that place that you had a really good time at and that nothing bad happened and no inkling of bad things happened?

Yeah. She's like, yeah, I guess so. If anything, it's less scary because more developed. No fear of the unknown. No fear of the unknown. But those places tend to get way more developed in even just like a year's time. There's a Hooters there now. Agree.

All that stuff. So, you know, I'm not going to put all the blame on her. But the reason that we have been there so many times is like that's the that's the place she knows i've certainly suggested tried to push vietnam cambodia across the line no chance zero chance yep so she's very worried of of uh change and sort of you know different sort of things and and and whatever like that so let alone drugs, I've come back three times in a row from Samui with different purchases of Valium. And again, she's very scared of this. She's like, if I've ever gone to take one, and I don't take them regularly at all, very occasionally. And if I go to take one, she'll go, oh, I wouldn't do that.

Don't do that. I'm like, I'm fine as one, she'll go, oh, I wouldn't do that. Don't do that. I'm like, I'm fine. It's one. It's fine. So I come back three different times with parcels, with packets of Valium. Three different times I've come back, put them down. Day later, they are gone. She's popping the Valium.

Done. No, she's not popping them. She's popping them in the bin. Oh, she's shelving them. Oh, in the bin. Shelving them in the bin Putting a sleeping pill up your ass Is pretty funny

I wonder if that does What does that do They're pretty I mean they are pretty The idea of like Needing it to be stronger Like they are pretty strong Yeah yeah

By default So she's turfing them I But she swears she's not But it's three times Like the first time I'm like Okay I can misplay stuff Second time I'm like

I can still misplay stuff But this is getting a bit sus The third time I'm like, okay, I can misplace stuff. Second time I'm like, I can still misplace stuff, but this is getting a bit sus. The third time, I'm aware of those first two times. And the first two times, they're like little boxes, little bags. That can be turfed, I guess. Third time, big plastic container full of them. That's not a fucking rubbish bag. That's very deliberately a medicine bottle. Gone within 12 hours.

Yeah, interesting. Done. And I'm like, why are you chucking them out? I'm not. This is not a big apartment. Where the fuck are they going? I mean, you sound like you have a problem, so I couldn't blame her for chucking them out.

Well, I don't have a problem. My problem is I don't have any of them. You wish you had a problem. It'd be nice to have access to them to be able to have a problem. At the moment, I'm underdosing on them. I'm UDing on them. Yeah, interesting. Well, you know, fingers crossed they just turn up one day.

Fuck. I mean, that would be a fucking – if you just find the bonanza spot, like down the back of the couch cushions or whatever, that would be – that's an incredible – that's a hell of a rest you're going to have. I've got to – yeah. I've got to – I'm going to be so excited but so, you know, calm at the same time, I think. I've got to, I've got to put her under the heat lamp. I've got to figure out, I've got to get her to crack.

Yeah. I've got to get her to fess up. Because if she's lying about this, what's next? She could have been, she could have been taking them and popping them. No, but that's the thing, she's not. No, but, you know, you think that, but she's got a secret problem and she's like, who knows? All right. Okay.

Well, look, I'd be very surprised if it's that, but okay. I'll try that. You need to take another trip there, get some, bring them back, and then hire a private investigator. Yeah. Leave the house, hire a PI to sit out the front of your apartment with binoculars. Get one of those nanny cameras. Nanny cams.

Yeah, nanny cams. To bust your wife throwing out drugs. Gotcha. Yeah. Now what? Don't do it a fifth time. Okay. Lesson learned.

All right. We've got to get into the Patreon read. You can find a link on our website or at patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. You can support the show. You can chip in some money. Keeps the lights on around here. And we send out rewards every month. We send out a bonus magazine and we send out a bonus episode.

Always very well received by the people that engage with that content. But also, more importantly, you get your name read out. You go into the draw to get your name read out on an episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club. We do a different number every week and we have the unplanned title alternator that keeps things fair by spitting out a completely random set of names

every single week on this program. That's right. I mean, random in terms of you have to subscribe first. They're not just literally anyone's names in the world. No. That would give no you know give no reason to subscribe um so all the all the names that subscribe to this show via patreon.com slash little dumb and club are um straight into the machine and then one at a time every time i

hit the button one pops out and that's what we're about to do right now. We're about to start this off and give out the first one. Last week we, or whenever it was, the other week, we got you to try and guess. That was last week. The names. Yeah. It could have been any week. We got you to guess the names and you got half of them right. It's always last week to me.

Right, right, right, right. That was the best week of my life. So I'm just constantly reliving it in my head. Right, right. Actually, you may have taken all the Valiums. You might be all screwed up at the moment. Yeah, I've been asleep since then. Yeah, right.

A month ago. Do you want to guess them again or what do you think? I don't know. I mean, I just feel like I got – I mean, I got a first – Yeah, no do you think? I don't know. I mean, I just feel like I got a first. Yeah, no, you did great. It's like you've got to go out on top. It's not going to get any better than that. I agree.

All right. I like when we have a little game. I know. But more often than not, the game kind of comes up. Sometimes the game kind of comes up when we're like one name in. Okay. All right. Well, we'll get one name in.

We'll figure out what the game is. Yeah. Let's not, you know, the games have always happened organically. Okay. You know, maybe we needed a week without a game. All right. I'd rather not do a game than do some like, oh, if the letter L comes up, we have to run around this apartment with our pants around our ankles.

Oh, that's cool, man. That is pretty cool stuff. That's cool. Save that for a Patreon episode. Yeah. That's too good to give away for free. That's a Save that for a Patreon episode. Yeah. That's too good to give away for free. That's a funny idea for a Patreon episode.

Guys, this bonus one, we're in the nutty right now. Can you hear it? That's great. I want to try that. Thank you to Patreon subscriber

first cap off the rank this week. Thank you to James Daly. James Daly. Yes. Wow. Look, I may have formulated a game already. James Daly. James Daly. Yes. Wow. Look, I may have formulated a game already.

James Daly. That is the name. So when I grew up as a young child in the small hamlet in central Victoria of Maribor, I lived in Daly Street. My address was 5 Daly Street, Maryborough. Now, Daly, the street was named after... The world's dumbest stalker trying to track you down. Oh, you're fucked up here, Chandler.

He's driving up to Maryborough. I'm going to get him. Yeah. If someone, if Sarah Connor from the future... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, wants to come back, stop the person who fucking ended the world. 5 Daly Street, Maryborough.

That street, Daily Street, was named, I learnt, as I was growing up, I learnt that was named after the, not the inventor, not the discoverer, but the, I guess the founder of Maryborough. Ah. James Daly. So. The same name as this guy. Right.

James Daly. So you think this guy could be Maryborough royalty? He could be still alive 200 years, 150 years later. Hmm. You think that's more likely than what I suggested? It's just another option. It is another option. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've got to have more than one option. Yeah, I mean, he could also be an alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could be just a guy with a name. That's the game. What could these people be? Well, yeah, man, that's part of my history. I wonder if he knows this.

What about this? This could be the game. All right. Well, that's his connection to me. Ah. So maybe we've got to find the connection to each of us. These names that come out. Oh, Six Degrees of Dum Dum.

Yeah, yeah. For each of these people. Yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, you like that? Yeah, I do like that a lot. James Daly.

James Daly. He's like the... What is it in The Simpsons? Jebediah Springfield. Yeah. The town founder. Yeah, there could be a statue of James Daly in Maryborough. There should be.

Yeah. There's not. There should be. There's not a statue of james daly in mirabar there should be yeah there's not there should be there's not a statue of the founder there's a statue of i think i think it's some sort of war statue or something like that um some some cunt with a gun yep great vague guess yeah some war statue well it i just realized one of those things that you've seen a million times and never paid any attention especially when you grow up with it and you you know when you're a you when you're little i don't know i mean i went

through this phrase you're like learning's lame i'm not reading this fucking plaque who cares right i just googled there's a funny little blooper i just googled marabara town hall clock just because that's where the statue is. Accidentally typed, Maribor Town Hall Cock. Oh, no. Pretty funny. Oh, no. What's coming up on bloody Google image search? Just the stuff I already look at anyway. Yes.

Good shit. Funny and comedy. Fuck. There's nothing but the other Maribor stuff comes up. The Queensland one. You fucking idiots. What the fuck? It's funny that, is that like your Shelbyville, but it's just like on the other side of the country?

And it's got the same name. It's like another Springfield. Yeah. Fuck. Okay, now I've got it. I've got it now. And there is a statue. Yep.

And it's some dude with a With a gun Yep Cool Guy with a helmet and a gun Sounds to me like war's broken out Sounds to me like he's the guy That might be James Daly And he may have

Invaded Mirabar Ah And taken it over It's a hostile Yeah Hostile situation Maybe he kicked the The Spanish out

Right Yeah The Portuguese out maybe I think think, and settled it. Got rid of all the alumni, all the intellectuals that were living there in 1850 or so. Yep. And just made it free for all the absolute dumbest fucking cunts of all time to live there instead. Close down the Nando's, open up the Highland Society. Well, thanks, James.

Thanks, James. Thanks for everything you did Thanks for your town hall cock Alright Can't wait to find out How this next person Has impacted our lives Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Can't wait to find out If this game continues Can't wait to find out If we replace that big gun That that guy had With a very long bow. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mick Sheridan. Ooh, well, this is an easy one. Oh, is it?

Yeah. Okay, good. Well, I mean, it might be spelled differently. Brand of football. You used to work at the AFL. The Mick Footballs. Yeah, the Mick Footballs. No, it's actually not correct.

It's Sharon, not Sheridan. Mick McDonald's, long-time sponsor of the AFL. And I used to work at the AFL. Yeah. Wow. Mick Mac McDonald's. AFL. Can't one of you guys?

I know. I'm just getting it clear in my head. I'm getting it clear in my head. I'm getting it clear in my head. I mean, I'm not saying it's good. Me neither. But you have to give me this not bad for so quick off the mark. I didn't pass one bit of judgment. All right.

I'm just clearing it up. Well, now, let me have the judgment. What do you think? Perfect. Great. Better than the first one. Great. Thank you.

This game's really heating up. Great. It really, really one. Great, thank you. This game's really heating up. Great, it really, really is. Good. And you know what's good about it? It's a game the whole family can enjoy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't mind making an actual board game out of this. So this could be fun.

Because not everyone is in the same position as us. Yeah. Where once a week, random names that we've never heard before come into our field of vision. It's funny that you say that because you get so used to this that you forget that not everyone in the world is reading five random plus names. However many. However many. Less or more.

I think we covered that one. Five's the baseline number. Everything kind of – Is it? It's either less or more. Yeah, it's one of those two. But five's like the baseline. Five's our zero.

Yeah, it's one of those two. It's the starting point. It's either less than five, more than five, or five. That's what I've found. Yeah. I don't know about that. Anyway, what were you saying? Let's agree to disagree. 26 minutes so far. That's fine. In my opinion, we're making good time.

I know. I know. We're making good time. We're going to be down at Torquay before you know it. We're going to be off the bridge any second now. Mick Sheridan. Look, I'm happy to go with that one. Otherwise, I would say Mick. Mick is an Irish name.

Is there any Irish heritage in coming to also? No. Okay, Sheridan. Sheridan is the- Never even been to Ireland. Yeah, right. Me neither. Sheridan is the name of a bloke called John Sheridan

who played central midfield for Sheffield Wednesday back in the 90s and he used to play against Liverpool. I barracked for Liverpool. See, Mick kind of sounds like Muck, which is McDonald's. Right, right. Which are a sponsor of the afl now and you used to work at the afl now i'm with you it's like me and mick are brothers i get it yeah great well welcome home mick thanks thanks mick thanks for taping that money in a little birthday

card and send it over i quite like that instead of saying thanks to the people each week we go welcome home. Yeah. You've ended up right where you belong. Yeah. You're part of a family that only accepts you as part of a family if you give us money. Yeah. A great family. Not bad.

Very loving family. Thanks, Mickey. Thanks, Mickey S. Mickey S. The S is for Sheridan. That's my tagline for his business. Yeah. Come down to Mickey S's. Come down to Mickey S's.

The S is for Sheridan. I like it. I'm into it. It sounds like you're about to say something good, but then it's just a fact. Yeah. Instead of saying, you know, come down to Michael Q McNamara's.

The Q is for quality. Yeah. Just be factual. Because that's a lie. You know what? Two of my least favorite things in advertising or or anything like that is uh when people have an advertising campaign and it's somehow got a bit of space in it in terms of like outer space like you know they'll have a

there'll be a new chocolate and it'll be zipping around the fucking universe and I'll go, this chocolate bar is out of this world. I can't remember the last time I genuinely saw that in an advertising campaign. Oh man, I've seen it. It sticks.

I always notice it. I fucking, I've always hated it because it's the most cliched thing of all time. Okay. Anything spacey, anything interplanetary,

whatever it is, it's out of this world. It's the fucking pits. Yeah. What was the last thing you experienced that you genuinely thought, this is out of this world? The moon, when I saw it last night. What do you think about that? Fact check that one. That's a really good answer.

Yeah. Try and find a fucking hole with that one. Cunt. The other thing I don't like is... Is this advertising or just in general? Advertising. We'll be here forever. I know, I know. This is just two things.

Advertising. We got cocky about that 26 minutes and now we've just pulled over on the side of the road to look at the seagulls for a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I needed a much longer wee than I thought. Yeah, the kids are like, look at that playground. We're like, you know what? Why not? I walked in for a wee and then there was people in there.

I can't go when they're looking. Yeah. It's like, fuck. Stage fright. Yeah. So the other thing I don't like in advertising is when they say whatever it is. It doesn't need to be anything because this can be applied to anything any time of business

mm-hmm up the bum babies incorporated tagline experience the difference that means nothing again I don't they

it happens all the fucking time this is like this sort of stuff that in my experience I've only ever seen on like fucking the ads that come on within the world of Rocco's modern life. Right, right, right. See, maybe I'm more attuned into like graphic design

and marketing and that sort of thing. I see these things and just... Advertising doesn't work on me, man. I'm a free thinker. Oh, right. I don't fall for those. I'm not one of these fucking, you know, brain-dead rats that you see down at peak hour at the train station, just another cog in the machine.

I'm a free spirit. Yeah, I know. And that's why you hand-stitched your own crocodile-tier polo shirt you've got there. You just happen to like those reptiles. I like crocodiles. It's for my charity. I gave money. Crocodiles are dying off.

They need more tourists to be eaten by them. Right. So I'm chipping in money to help them thrive. That's great. Yeah. That's a great way to be. Charitable and impervious to advertising. Yeah, exactly.

Awesome. What a great guy. Thanks, Mick. Thanks, Mick. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Darren Kent. I mean, we can make up some lost time here. We don't need to spend too long on this one. This is a gimme.

Oh, what's your gimme? Kent. Yes, go on. Is the... Should I say this? You can say it. I guess so. Surname...

You used to live in Old Kent Road. Surname of my bone marrow donor. Really? Mm-hmm. Wow. He's the... Well, the they, he, she, is the person that helped you knock out cancer.

Yep. Wow. Our own little cancer corner happening right here. Exactly. Wow. Awesome. Kent. When they got into a phone booth, was their last name Man?

Tommy. Yes. Right. Okay. Good. Just an honest question. Big cancer man. That's good. Yep. White blood cells man. Right. Okay, good. Just an honest question. Beat cancer, man. That's good.

Yep. White blood cells, man. Yep. Well, they did act like a bit of a superhero to you, didn't they? Yeah, they did. Mild-mannered. This is like you're interviewing me on 60 Minutes. But talking to me like I'm still the age I was when I had the transplant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're looking very healthy, little boy. Hair hasn't come back yet from the chemo. That's a shame. And wouldn't you like to thank the nice man over there who sucked all the cancer out of you, clicked his fingers and sucked... Well, he told me he sucked it all out of you via...

He had cancer down there, did you? Is that what happened? That's what he told me. This is a great ep of 60 Minutes. I'm loving watching this if I'm at home on a Sunday night. Did you ever used to get scared by 60 Minutes? Because it was definitely, like when I was growing up, it was definitely, like it's very much more of a puff piece show these days,

I think. But back then I think it was a lot more serious and I used to sort of get scared like it was a proper grown-up show. Yeah, I get what you're saying. I mean, it's a real party-up show yeah i get what you're saying i mean it is it's a real um it's a real party mix isn't it yeah so it's like sometimes just absolute puff about like some american celeb who's in town yeah and then they're every now and then and i don't know again i don't really ever watch tv so it's pretty rare that i ever catch oh he pervies advertising doesn't

watch tv i was trying to say that in the most like not make a big deal out of the way i just don't watch tv what more can this fucking modern day hipster man do yeah make my own clothes yeah that's cool i've been doing homebrew great um can suck my own cock well that's the number one thing yeah talk about a hipster that's you know that's good for the environment not having to pay plastic people to come and suck your dick. I don't even have a girlfriend. If I feel like oral, I just suck my own cock. Great.

Man, that's very woke. Bespoke. Bespoke blowjob. Bespoke woke BJ. But, yeah, every now and then I'll catch an ad and it's like I think more increasingly they tend to think of themselves as like serial, where they're like, here's a crime that's been left unsolved, a brutal murder. The cops haven't been able to bust it in 15 years, but tonight at 8.30, we're going to

get to the bottom of it. Yeah, I feel like they used to be, I might be wrong, but they used to have like, it's 60 minutes, they've got that clock that's sort of scary. Tick, tick, tick, tick. Oh, yeah. Fucking hell. Just reminds you of your own mortality. Exactly. We're all one step closer to the grave. And it sounds a bit like a bomb as well.

So, you know, scary stuff all around. And also... And also, I had a digital clock, so I was like, man, this is just weird. They really do need to upgrade. Yeah. It should be an Apple Watch that's constantly out of battery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, it's a load of shit because the show, it's not 60 minutes.

It's 60 minutes. You're not getting 60 minutes worth of content. No. At least 20 of those minutes are ads. Yes, yes. So the clock should just be ticking down the bottom corner while the ads. If the clock got free reign, if the clock had – if you bought ad space on 60 minutes, but the clock has to be

included in the ad that i'd be into maybe they're maybe they're trying to like convince themselves and us that the ads are actually part of the show and this is actually like a 30 second expose on the new ford festiva oh yeah because people are like saying it doesn't have enough leg room and they're like fuck you look at this yeah look this. Look at the grown adults jumping in the back. Heaps of legroom. We've busted this story wide open. Jumping out of a bin with a microphone, just holding it up to the car. How much legroom is there in the back?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is FestivaGate. And they've busted it wide open. Has 60 Minutes ever been... It's crazy that they've never been sponsored by an actual clock or watch company. Oh, yeah. You know, like the replay at the Australian Open is sponsored by Rolex. Yeah.

Why aren't they getting into bed with 60 minutes? Yeah, that's a good point. The replay doesn't even have anything to do with time. Kind of. It's a moment in time that we're looking back upon. Well, everything's about time. We're rolling back the clock. Yeah.

But exactly. That's a long bow. You know, James Bond's had his fucking watch sponsored for years. And, you know, all he does is like punch cunts in the head and jump out of a pool and then check the time one time, you know, once every seven years or whatever he does. And that's a big sponsorship. I mean, he's probably not too concerned with time. You know, you're just chasing a guy down the street.

You know, you've just got to get the job. You're not like, oh, is it lunchtime? Yeah, yeah. He doesn't have much need to know the time of the day it is. It's just like, I've got to found this bad guy and kill them immediately. You don't see him fretting over a late appointment do you james bond yeah you're not you're not seeing him go oh fuck it's september oh i gotta wind it back yeah yeah yeah no wonder i'm here too early for q oh yeah and i've got to change the batteries in my smoke alarm too yeah

yeah yeah all that stuff yeah he's not like i'm meant to be having a fight with Oddjob at 4pm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A scheduled fight with my mortal enemy. And I don't want to be late. But I felt like 60 Minutes used to be a show that took itself a bit seriously. And they would have one interview and they might have Billy Idol there.

Right. And usually someone better than that. And then now it's like, they've probably got two of them. They've got a buble and then they've got a fucking michael crawford or something in there as well like they've got they've got a couple of puff pieces minimum and then the hard the it used to be george negus over in you know afghanistan or something and now it's like oh yeah we fucking we went to sydney just to check out what the coffees were like there. Fucking hell. It's not as good.

Great story. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, because last time I was at home on a Sunday night with the TV on, there's now like, I forget what it's called, but there's a show, there's like a true crime show that's on after 60 minutes. Yes. So maybe true crime got its own spin-off. Right.

It's like time to stretch. You know what? Within I think about three months, the two times that I'd had the TV on on a Sunday evening, the second time I caught a repeat of the show that I'd seen like three months before. Right. And when you watch True Crime where you've seen it already, you feel good because you're like, I know who did it. Right, right.

You've seen the clues. It's clear. You feel like the world's just pretending you haven't seen it before and that you're actually the world's greatest detective. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good feeling. Thanks, Darren. Thanks, Darren. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

Welcome home, Darren. Welcome home. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Imogen Birmingham. Imogen, if it helps at all. If it helps at all, I will spell out her entire name. Okay. I-M-O-G-E-N.

Okay, no surprises there. B-E-R-M-I-N-G-H-A-M. Birmingham, B-E. B-E. B-E-G-H-A-M. Birmingham. B-E. B-E. B-E-R. B-E-R-M-I-N-G-H-A-M. So the spelling, you would expect it to be I-R. Yes.

But it's E-R. Yes. E-R. Yes. Famous drama series. George Clooney. George Clooney. George Clooney.

We're two hot hunks that host this show. Yeah. Who often get referred to as the George Clooney's of podcasting. Oceans 2. Yeah. Where we busted open a casino and got all the content out of the safes. Wow.

Did you just see lightning or am I having a strike? Are you having a strike? Well, that's answered that question. Can you smell taste? Taste burning? I'm smelling shit, but that could just be the content. Oh, no, there it is. There we go.

Thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're okay. You're okay. Thankfully, you're okay. I used to live near a bakery and I would regularly smell burning to every morning. Right. Walk out the door to get a coffee.

You're like, well, this is, the day has finally come. Where my appalling lifestyle has caught up with me. But you can't, you can't smell burning toast outside a bakery because they're not even, you know. Yeah, but just that burning bread smell. Toast is another step. Like you've got to, you've got to, as a baker, you've got to cook it. Hey, I didn't say it was a good bakery.

You can't cook toast as a baker. You're cutting out the middleman. You've got to give people the right to just have plain bread. Yeah, but you've never had that smell, that like, that kind of burnt, I don't know. I reckon I'm bad with smell. Again, it's one of those things with like colorblindness. Like you don't know what other people experience. Smell blind.

Yeah, smell blind. I can't see anything with my nose. I don't think i have a great sense of smell i don't think i do either because i'm i've been noticing more and more like being at something and someone being like oh that smell of you know whatever is really nice in here isn't it like it smells like every other room yeah yeah yeah yeah what are the senses again? So eyesight. Vision, hearing, smell, touch. Touch, taste. Taste.

Good at touching stuff. Yeah, what would I say I'm best at? Yeah, what's your – rank them. Because tasting, you know, I don't know if I'm – how would I know? Yeah. If when I – I do – I think I've said this on the pod before. Again, mini cancer corner. When I got better, and I can't remember what it is that caused this,

but I have looked it up in the past. Yeah. I did notice that my taste buds changed a bit. Right. I remember stuff tasting different after I got better. Right. So who knows if it – I could taste a delicious lasagna. Yeahagna and I'm tasting something that is completely different to what you taste. Yeah, yeah, yeah, man, that's deep.

That's fucking deep. Thanks, man. But enough commentary about the other thing that I'm doing. What did you think about what I said? I get it. Imogen. Yeah. Imogen.

Imogen. Imogen. Imogen. Imogen. Imogen. Yeah. Imogen. Imogen. Imogen. Imogen. Imogen. Imogen. What's your... Did we get hit by that lightning? Did we get...

Like, instead of getting, like, powers, did we just get powers taken away from us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's your... Rank your senses. How good you are at them Ooh, okay Hearing's fucked I need to get a hearing test Quite genuinely, I think I have very bad hearing

I'm up there with you I wouldn't be surprised if I need a hearing aid It's appalling Right How do you judge that? I just, I'll be like at a bar or whatever talking with people yeah and just look like at the table not able to make out a single thing anyone is saying yeah and just being like how is anyone managing this and just looking at people near me all of them able to

have a conversation i'm doing too many of these ones what was that sorry yeah what sorry just say that again and then me going yeah i'm gonna have'm going to have to ask you again what that was. That's four times a day minimum for me. What's worse is I'm doing that when I'm on stage, doing a bit of crowd work. Doing crowd work, yeah. What do you do? What do you do for a living? Sorry, what was that again?

Is anyone hearing what that guy's saying and everyone in the crowd going, yes, why can't you? Yeah, and also I've seen you do this a couple of times. I've seen heaps of people do it, doing crowd work and going, oh, you said electrician, and you feel the whole everyone in the audience go, they didn't say they were a fuck. They said they were a librarian, you fucking clown. Fuck, I hope I did that.

I don't remember doing that. That's good. I have seen you be in that position before where you've gone, oh, you've said this and then just gone on a tangent. Right. And it's only very brief because then you're being fine. But you do feel people at least around the person go, they very clearly did not say that at all. That's amazing.

That's great. But I have seen plenty of other people do it as well. Right. It's a pretty common thing. Right. So hearing right down the bottom for me, well, I mean, I wear glasses. So I guess my vision has taken a bit of a beating. It's not too bad though.

You can't say it's the best if you've got glasses on. It's not the best. It's mostly just long distance stuff that I struggle with. I don't really – I can still read and everything without them on. But that would be – that has been diminished a little bit. So that's probably right after the, that's probably fourth. Hearing down the bottom, then vision, then smell, yeah, I don't think is particularly great.

Coming in at number three. I do like that how it's like, okay, well, you know, my hearing's not that great, my vision's not that good, but my sense of touch still going strong. Like after all these years. Oh, touch is incredible. I can still touch stuff. Yeah, touch is still going strong. After all these years. Touch is incredible. I can still touch stuff. Touch is incredible.

It's really only people with their hands chopped off that struggle a little bit. If I was just wearing mittens right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not these days. Not ever since I put the mittens on. I'm starting to struggle. Touch would probably be my number one. Because I just said smell

not great yeah vision a bit diminished hearings fucked i'm on the way out what about you what's number one well i mean touch is so hard to i mean you know you gotta you gotta be you gotta be pretty bad to fuck up touch unless you're i guess unless you're very uncoordinated and it's like just touch this and you just don't. You just miss it. Right. But I think I'm reasonably coordinated in that way. So you have to go 100 out of 100 is touch.

Never fucked it up yet. Yeah. Follow-up question. How would you say Image and Birmingham is related to us in any way? I know. Look, that's bookmarked in the back of my head. Don't worry. We'll get to that.

We'll get to that quickly. Rank your senses is a fun game and all. Yeah, yeah. But let's not, this is a sub game. This is too good of a game to ignore, though. Game within a game. Yeah, yeah. I don't want the inbox to be flooded with, where was smell?

You didn't say where it was in the top five. Yep. So I would say, you've got to go touch 100 out of 100. You know, I've never fucked it. But again, you never know. I mean, you might think, yeah, I've touched that. I can feel it. But, you know, if there was some kind of technology where you could say, oh, my God, I thought

I was feeling the softness of this towel. Yeah. It may as well have been sandpaper for all I knew. Well, you know what? Until that comes around, you've got to back yourself. You can't be second-guessing everything in your life. No. Okay?

So I'm saying what I'm touching is what I'm feeling. That's what I'm saying. It'd be insane to go any other way. Yeah. Yeah. What would you do with the rest of your life? If every time you touched anything, you're like, well, I don't know what the fuck that is.

I mean, it feels like this, but it could be anything. You would be insane. Yeah. Where do you draw the line? So you're saying touch is your number one? It's got to be number one. It's got to be number one it's gotta be number one it's

and what's your worst worst is hearing that's what we have in common yeah the bookends of the top five that's it senses

hearing is like I'm genuinely worried about having to get a hearing aid I used to be and then someone that we both know do you know who this is a comedian friend of ours

oh yeah got one got one recently and they're so small now right they're really tiny and i saw the one on here like i'd always been scared to go because i was like oh man that's so brutal like i'm you know i'm 32 yeah well actually i've thought it probably from before i was 30 oh my god but yeah i saw his ones and they're like so tiny and they're also they're like bluetooth so you can just use them as headphones as well oh wow you can just jack your as headphones as well. Oh, wow.

You can just jack your iPhone into them and listen to music through them. Look, to be honest, I reckon my, I've thought about my hearing in that way for years. So I reckon it hasn't gotten any worse for a long time. I just, I've always thought it's a bit shit. Right. And I don't think it's really degrading. I think it's just always going to be a bit shit. Yeah.

So I'm not too, I'm now not as worried about a hearing aid. I do. I i mean i like the idea like anything where you get the option of like you know oh this is what this is what things are meant to sound like yeah just putting it on and going oh my god i can hear people yeah my big one would be why am i shouting all the time yeah yeah yeah that would be good but then you can't go back it's like that thing where where i, you know, I was always worried about taking business class and applying, but then you can't go back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So... Yeah, well, I wouldn't have to go back. I'd just have the hearing aid. I know, but you'd feel a bit sad. I don't give you a sample and then like, not for you. It's $4,000 a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just Cody taking selfies of himself with a hearing aid on.

Ooh. Yeah, yeah. And it's just Cody taking selfies of himself with a hearing aid on. I would feel a bit bad once I took it out at night or something like that. I'd just be like, oh, I really don't have that ability myself, you know? Oh, yeah, I see what you're saying. It'd be something like that. You'd realise your own limitations in some way. But then you've got the option of checking out.

You know, it's like you're having your ear chewed off with some boring story like I was going to check out of this for a little while unplug it there you go

and then yeah you'd have to say to someone oh I didn't bring it didn't bring it yeah sorry so in between there somewhere is I would say

yeah again I don't really back myself with anything smell I'd have to say smell is second worst, is fourth. Okay. Be very close between that and taste, that'd be third. Vision would be second.

Vision, I back myself. You write vision ahead of touch. Interesting. No, no, that's second. Touch, I'm putting first. Oh, sorry, that's what I meant to say, yeah. Yeah. Well, you have to. Okay. Don't you? Well, like I've Touch, I'm putting first. Oh, sorry. That's what I meant to say. Yeah. Well, you have to.

Okay. Don't you? Well, like I've said, I've said it three times. If touching is just touching, then I can touch things. Okay. You can't miss unless you absolutely miss touching something. Whereas vision, someone can hold something up 100 meters away and I can't read it. It's like, well, you're not perfect, are you?

Okay. But I can definitely touch stuff whenever I want. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Unless you put it up on a really high shelf or something, which I don't think really comes into it. It shouldn't come into it.

Imogen. So Imogen is. Imagine if this segment had been better. Great. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. Is that it?

Absolutely flawless. Right, right, right. Okay. It's the sense of touch. Great. Flawless. Great, great. That's why we're both the best at it. That's why we're both the best at it. Yeah. Is that it? Absolutely flawless. Right, right, right. Okay. It's the sense of touch. Great. Flawless. Great, great.

That's why we're both the best at it. That's why we're both the best at it. Yeah. All right. Well, look, I've got a gig to go to. Yeah. You've got something. You've got a band to go to or something. Yeah, I'm going to a concert.

Yeah, you're going to a concert. I'm going to see Steve Lacey. Do you find... Look him up. Do you find it weird to say concert? I feel like concert is a bit of an old person way of saying something Purely to differentiate I've gotten into the habit of it

Because if I'm around other people and I say I'm going to a gig They think it's me doing the gig Stand up Right, sure Okay, makes sense Okay, well Let's see

We better go, we'll do one more One more of this classic game That we'll no doubt Play many times How does this relate back to us How does this relate back to us Okay Here we go Thank you to

Patreon subscriber Oh Okay Alright Well We can only try Do you think the game's Going to be easy or hard

For this name Look I don't know Some of those ones You got straight away And some of them You took a while I really couldn't tell.

So here we go. It hasn't come straight to me, but it might come to you. Took a big gulp of water in preparation. Yep. Wetting the whistle. Making sure the vocal cords are all lubricated for this one. Wetting. Because you're wetting it.

W-E-T, but you're spelling it W-H-E-T. Don't you find that interesting? Does W-H-E-T mean something different? It means sort of the same thing, but not. Like wetting the whistle is spelt like that, I'm pretty sure. Let me... What's the name? Let's not rush.

We've got nowhere to go, have we? Oh, that's right. From the things that I just said. Yeah, to whet your appetite. It doesn't exactly mean the same thing. Okay. It gets it ready. Gets it fired up.

What you're doing You're wetting your whistle So you are wetting it Physically As in Making it Be covered in water Yeah

And you are getting it ready At the same time Yeah So you're wetting it And you're wetting it Yeah Double wet Yeah

So wet Heard that before I'm so wet right now Heard that I've heard that before I'm double wet Okay here we go Thank you to

Patreon subscriber Tommy Daslow Comedy. Boy. A worthy adversary this one is. This is like a boss level. This is the boss level at the end

of the game. Very difficult. Do you want to go back to rating the senses? Are we cool to take this one head on or what do we do hmm any side projects happening here or i mean i know we said we had stuff to do but maybe we have to sit down and um dasolo yes one of the most famous italian names yes one of the most famous families yep to come out of famous families to come out of Italy. To come out of.

You went to Italy on your honeymoon. Yes. Oh, my wife has some form of Italian-ness in her. Right. She's married to me. Yeah, she's got Italian in her, right? She's married to me and I'm part of the podcast. Yeah, that's the link.

Right. That's how Tommy Dasolo comedy relates back to the... Great. Certainly nothing to do with the surname. I was going to say, was there anything there? I'm glad you took the obvious one on rather than the harder one. Hey, a challenge would have been good, but we've done a pod before this. It's been a long afternoon.

We've got places to be. Who's got the time? Yeah, not me. That is the fourth podcast in a row I've done a pod before this. It's been a long afternoon. We've got places to be. Who's got the time? Yeah, not me. That is the fourth podcast in a row I've done today. All right, guys. Well, thanks very much to everyone who subscribes on Patreon. Head to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub if you'd like to be part of this

and get bonus content in your mailbox every month. Also, littledumbdumbclub.com for links to all the tickets of things that we have coming up. Thanks for listening. Have a great week and we'll see you next time. See you, mates!