The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 490 - Waleed Aly & Nazeem Hussain

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

This week we're joined for the first time by WALEED ALY and his old buddy NAZEEM HUSSAIN! We delve into some juicy behind-the-scenes tidbits from The Project including what it's like manning the social media accounts, the lollies policy in the writers room, and the special talent-only bathrooms. We've also got a bit of an update on how Tommy is faring with the horny truck drivers of the world, we hear about Nazeem being recognised during O-Week, PLUS Chandler's taking a big old trip this week and the details have everyone else on the edge of their seats.ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Waleed Ali and Nazeem Hussein. We have a bunch of live stuff coming up around the country. Brisbane and Adelaide both sold out. We'll see you there very soon. We've also got three shows on sale in Melbourne, two smaller shows at the European Beer Cafe, and then of course on April 25th, the big 500th episode, spectacular, selling very well, isn't it, Carl? It is certainly. It's going to sell out. It's in a huge theater. Get your tickets right now. Huge special guest.

It's going to be the biggest thing we've ever done. So get on to that. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all those tickets. We'll chat to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this great new episode with Nazeem Hussain and Waleed Ali. and Waleed Ali. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Oh, I'm nervous about this one. Yeah, you want to impress Nazeem. Yeah, I really want to impress Nazeem. Let's welcome in our two guests today, Nazeem Hussain and Waleed Ali. Yes!

A long time you were a bit of a white whale. Yeah. Yeah. He was looking at me, alright, and I'm pretty sure he can tell the difference. You're a white whale. No, this is not. This was Nazeem's fault that it took forever to pull this together.

Actually, it's not. I could show you text messages over the last two weeks anyway. Over the last two weeks? We had a date in, was it like December? Yeah. November? Something like that. That's right.

And then Nazeem said, oh, by the way, I forgot. I've got a picnic with... No, I was in Sri Lanka. I was in... Oh, you forgot you were going to be in another country. Is that your excuse? This is what I'm getting off YouTube for the last couple of months. You're a real odd couple because one person's blaming the other the whole time.

Yeah, but to be fair, you haven't been in contact with me, so you're only getting this inside and out. But Carl actually works in the same office as you, so why don't you just go up to him? That is a fair point. That's also very fair. But we, so full disclaimer, I work for the project sometimes during the week,

but the writer's room is sort of like, we basically have to go in the back entrance. We're sort of the shunned part of the building. The hell, really? We're the hell. We don't go anywhere near the on-air stars or anything like that. What about the toilets? Do you get to use the same ones?

Oh, yeah. You're in a different building. Actually, no. Really? Because, do you know what? So yesterday I was at work. I wasn't on the show. I was just doing some prep for an interview that I've got next week.

And I used the bathroom that you would use on that floor. And it's the first time I've ever used that bathroom. Oh, wow. What's it like? Well, I didn't that floor. Yeah, yeah. And it's the first time I've ever used that bathroom. Oh, wow. What's it like? Well, I didn't enjoy it. Yeah. There's a lot of signs just saying don't put full toilet rolls down the tube. I saw some weird thing.

Yeah, it was like two floods, two weeks, too much paper or something like that. Anytime you're in an office and you see a reminder like that in the bathroom, like things telling people to wash their hands before they go back yes please remember to flush it's like yeah people in this office needed to be told that yes that's mortifying well so i walked in i saw that sign i said well this must be the one the writers use yeah yeah anyway because normally we because we have dressing rooms so normally i was gonna say where's the business class toilets? Normally, someone's there holding them. Holding them? Wiping and washing and singing.

Yeah, that's us, the writers. That's part of our job. Yeah. Using some of the stuff you've written to wipe with on occasion. Do you know what, though? In seriousness, it used to be a much better setup because we've changed offices, right? How long was that?

Two years ago, a year ago? A changed offices right how long was that two years ago a year ago the one before that was great because the writers room was on the way to the meeting room so I used to pop in and talk to the writers all the time and steal their M&M's

you would actually talk to them yeah well yeah occasionally occasionally yeah I wouldn't listen yeah yeah yeah I'd just talk there's a couple

like Pete Hellier comes in a bit because he has to because he has to because he has to Carrie's never like I've worked I've worked there now I've worked the project

for longer than you for like 8 or 9 years or something like that never spoken to Carrie once really wow never never comes past

never anything never spoken to her this is like a sideways feedback the boss the big boss doesn't talk to me nothing

I've got no relationship with anyone and why do you think that might be Carl it's funny because every other writer seems to yeah yeah yeah so we get nothing. I've got no relationship with anyone. And why do you think that might be? It's funny because every other writer seems to. So we get Walid on the pod. Is this your first big question for him?

What's Carrie really like? Can you introduce me? What's the toilets like and what's Carrie like? But you used to have someone in there called Beck Petratus who's not there anymore. But she was a crucial cog in it because she would stock it with sweets.

Yes, you're right. Right? She worked on social media and she would notoriously just fill up buckets full of lollies and chocolates. Yes, and it was extraordinary and because the meeting

because the writer's room was on the way to the meeting room you would just always duck in and take a handful and that would trigger a conversation and it was always interesting she would mix up what she was getting so it it was like oh today it's fan tales why fan

tales beck and then you had a basis for a conversation right with the common folk yeah well i don't know was there a science to it or did she no no no i think i think she just it's it's sort of what i do as well sometimes in there is if you want to eat something bad, you just buy a heap of it and pretend you're being generous. Yes. So I think she was doing that. But that reminds me now. You're right because she put free lollies in the writer's room.

That would mean a lot of people that don't go in there anymore used to go in there. And Carrie Bickmore was one of them. She would walk in and go, oh, what's everyone up to? And just grab a few fucking Smarties or whatever. See, that's a good move. I used to actually stop and talk. Maybe I should have just... I don't remember you being in the writer's room now for a year or two now.

I can't remember that I think of it. But it's because the location of the writer's room now is out of the way. Yeah, you're right. So you need some high-class lollies to draw a lead in. Is that a good asset in someone you work with or not? Because I used to work in an office with a guy who would go down to the canteen in the office building at about three in the afternoon when they're just clearing out the bain-marie. And he just would like buy up everything that was in there.

Because it was discount. Because it was, yeah, they're just getting rid of it. It's like a dollar for everything or whatever. So then he comes up with like all the dim sims and potato cakes and stuff. And it's always like, we used to call it the 3 p.m. express. Excellent. Bit of pick me up. But after like a month, I was like, this used to call it the 3 p.m. express. Excellent. Bit of pick me up. But after like a month, I was like, this has to stop.

Yeah. Like, I'm feeling atrocious. Yes. It's good for morale, but your body really suffers. Yeah. I must have lost 30 kilograms since you guys moved. Well, I would get mad because she'd do that because she's working the social media. Beck was restocking all the chocolates and stuff and she's working social media.

What's she on? 35K? She's buying all the lollies in the office and then Carrie Vickmore's walking in and just scooping up a big armful of snakes alive. And it's like, how about you spend a million bucks of your own buying some of this sort of stuff? We need to get Carrie on the show and do some

gotcha journalism. Have an actual conversation with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Maybe I should start buying all the lollies in there so I can get a conversation going. You should know, though, Carrie's very generous. She's on $35,000 a year.

She's gone the rest to fund the writers' room. That's what's so progressive about the project. The social media person and the host, they're on the exact same salary. Yeah, that's right. It's effectively a communist project. Great. The communist project.

Good evening, comrades. That reminds me then, because part of the job in the writer's room is that you sort of rotate around and do different little bits and pieces apart from just writing jokes. And sometimes you have to be on a shift where you have to deal with the social media, with Facebook and the Twitter. I'm so sorry. Yeah, well, exactly. Because you don't have any social media. No. Yeah.

And look, doing a bit of work in there, I know why. Fucking hell. If you had social media, you would not be with us right now. Isn't that bad? It's not good. No, sometimes it's good though. Like, you know, back remember when he used to nail everything? Remember when there was just always like an article?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. We'll eat nails, we'll eat nails. And then like Australians do with tall poppy, they're just like, just stop talking about this guy. Right. And then, you know, people that like him just don't say stuff. Yeah. And it's just all these haters.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry, so this is a very confronting revelation. Do you mean to tell me that everybody hates me and I didn't realise? Is that what's going on here? No, no. I think it's an even more shocking revelation. There's some racist people in this country. That's the big bombshell.

And also because you're not on social media, we couldn't send you tweets, so that's why we've brought you here to tell you. We're about to read some mean tweets. It's a very elaborate intervention. That's how we had to get onto you. Nazeem is basically like your DM folder. That's how we got at you. No, but this is something that actually I haven't read.

So I would be, sometimes I would get a shift where I'd have to deal with all the Facebook private messages in the show and all that sort of stuff. So obviously there's plenty of complimentary, but then there's just your bizarre crazy people that have got a Commodore, there's their profile picture, parked on their lawn,

and they all come from Townsville for some reason. It's like, I don't want to discriminate, but they all come from Townsville. It's bizarre how many of them come from Townsville for some reason. It's like, I don't want to discriminate, but they all come from Townsville. It's bizarre how many of them come from Townsville. So you're saying don't go to Townsville. Well, I wouldn't if I was you. Okay. It's a shame.

I heard it's a lovely place. Well, you won't get run down because all the cars are on the lawn up there anyway. That's one thing. But they all, all those messages from those guys up there They all send them about you And

But the thing that drives me crazy is They never ever spell your name right Yeah I've noticed W-O It really fucks up W-O I've never seen that one

It's constant W-O-L-E-E-D Really? They always spell your name W-O-L-E-E-D So I've got W-O-L-E-D I get that a lot W-O-L-E-D That's W-O-L-E-D Walled Really So I've got Walled I get that a lot W W

A double L E D W L I D Wellard Yeah I get that a bit I didn't I remember when I was in

Year 12 I wrote down I was bored one day And I just wrote down Every version of my name I'd seen on letters That were sent to me And I got to 21

Oh right Yeah Which is Some didn't even have Correct initials Well send that What's your favourite Send that Send that to me And I I got to 21. Oh, right. Yeah, which is, some didn't even have correct initials. Well, send that. What's your favourite? Send that to me and I'll send it to Townsville so that you can go through all the points.

My favourite was probably, it was because of context. Once I got Wally, W-A-L-L-Y. Yep, that almost just sounds like a nickname though. Yeah, well, what that was, this was in a cricketing context. I played cricket pretty seriously as a kid and no one seemed to be able to cope with Waleed. That was too much for the cricketing brain. So it became Wally.

And then the surname was spelled, was Ellie, E-double-L-Y. And the thing about this was, this was a letter that was sent to me to tell me that I'd been selected in like the rep team to play in the under-16s in Dowling Shield. I think Dowling Shield's still going, I don't know. Anyway, so it was a really big moment. This is like one of the most significant

letters I've received in my life and it wasn't even addressed to me. You're not even sure? Yeah, there might have been some mix-up. Yeah, there's some other guy out there called Wally Ellie who could have had a great career. It would be better if you get picked for the statement. Maybe he's moved to Townsville. You go out to open the batting

and you've got some absolute fucking bad version of your name on your back. I know, I imagine that. And on the scoreboard. Yeah, oh yeah, exactly. Ellie, Mr. Ellie. Yeah. Wally Ellie, I don't mind it. You don scoreboard yeah oh yeah exactly Ellie Mr Ellie yeah Wally Ellie I don't mind it

you don't mind it well I'm glad you have it I don't want it I'm sure I'll have it I'll rebrand he's changed his name enough times yeah

alright well I don't want to stay on the project the whole time but one more one more thing I want to bring up for the listeners

is just what I find interesting is right so there's a lot of people say when you write for the project like what are you writing and it's like no i didn't write the bushfires i didn't make that that's not one of mine you've been going around telling everyone you write the

this is something we should talk about segments right the what yeah there's my yeah yeah no nothing serious i do not write anything serious in there even the people that are sending the hate mail Chandler's writing back yeah that was all me I'm a hero I came up with that I'll finish that off actually because of all the

weird messages that they get and there's so many I mean there's negative ones and then there's just absolutely weird ones there's a lot of people just going

here's my kid doing a backflip can we open up the project to not do this get him in honestly I get those sort of things in my personal email right yeah yeah and i get people stopping me in public and just pitching these things yeah great to me so yeah you're far from alone because we get a lot of this just even just

doing a podcast you must get people the one i love is like people stop you in the street and they're like hey um it's my sister's birthday on Wednesday. Can you just kick off the project with a bit of a happy birthday to her? Yes. I do that all the time. So many people seem to have a thing in their brain where they think that's going to happen. That's a fine thing to ask.

Some of those into charity, if you start a charity, they go, this needs to be on TV. So every day there is someone walking around Wangaratta and raising money for statistic fibrosis. And there's 20 of them and they all want to be on the project that night. Yeah, that's true. And it's like a very worthy cause,

but man, I am not watching an hour of fucking someone in gumboots walking around a country town raising 500 pounds. Dress well. I'd rather watch the kid doing a backflip, to be honest. I remember, I used to think that TV worked that way probably when I was about six.

After that, I got past it. So you grew up, but all the project watchers haven't. I don't know about all of them. Well, to be fair, I guess you do learn that as a kid. You write into Agro's Cartoon Connection, and they have a bit where they bring up birthdays on the screen of those kind of shows. That's where it starts.

That's your first exposure to how TV works. So now that I'm thinking it out, it's like, I guess it's not unreasonable that people add it. I think the project works like Romper Room and we can see through the mirror or whatever it is, see through the magic window. There's no kids corner on the project. There's no

place where people can send in their cartoons and drawings. But you know what? That's the way the world is, mate. I blame aggro. Saturday morning project. Do that. It's a ratings war out there, all right? Yeah, okay.

We need every six-year-old we can get. What exactly? Zero to six. Get me to host a kids corner. Naz, you host Saturday morning project. Saturday morning, early morning project morning project yeah with the kids and you can get all the racist like five-year-olds from townsville emailing it to you yeah yeah i'll get the gum kids in gumboots yeah yeah kids got their tricycles parked on the front lawn up in town yeah naz's cartoon connection misspelling

my name yeah yeah yeah exactly perfect so i think the solution to this by the way and I haven't I haven't actually put this into practice but now that I think I should is you should say to people hey we can't do a shout out

because that's complicated with production but I'll give you a special wave and you'll know oh yes

and you'll know it's for you and so it's the one wave and you tell everybody and then that covers everybody I like it that's what we should do so open the show just scratch your head yes like that it's for you. And so it's the one wave and you tell everybody. And then that covers everybody. I like it. That's what we should do. So open the show, just scratch your head.

Yes. It's like that one's for you. I might do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little gap signal. Hard gesture to explain on a podcast. For those of you that can't see, he's doing the Heil Hitler. That's risky territory though because there's people that are actually insane

that think that that legitimately is what's happening. You know what I mean? There are people who are like, well, it's giving me signals through the TV. Oh, I've had that before. Oh, my God. So one day, it was a Friday, and by Friday, I'm done. And so I think we signed. He's just like one of us.

He loves Friday, too. So I think I signed off with like that Bollywood hand gesture where you flick your wrist. So it's like, how would you explain this? It's kind of like, it's just like you rotate your hand and it ends up with an index finger pointing up to the sky. With a gun signal. Yeah, what's going on, Matt?

It's just like a... Like this, am I doing it right? Yeah, it's not too bad. But just to be quicker, your wrist's really got to... Flick your hand around and have your index finger pointing up i think it was at uh bright and prejudice or one of those movies where they described it as like changing the light bulb so the bollywood dancers you change the light bulb and you pat the dog with the other hand yeah that one anyway it was the light bulb change bit um apologies to anyone trying to decode this

this thing but anyway I did that once. Look it up. I just said goodbye. I just went, we'll see, whatever, and did that hand gesture. And we got – on Monday I came into work and John Law's producer was on the phone wanting to talk to me about me doing an ISIS salute. Oh, my God. Yes. At the end of Friday's show.

And one of their listeners was incredibly distressed about this and decided that this had happened. How excited were ISIS? Stopped you in the street. Can you give us a bit of a shout-out on Friday afternoon? We made primetime. It was so strange because a whole week ended past since But that's exactly it

It's like if that was true It's like well it happened Friday It's Monday now Clearly it's fine It's a new week 24 hour news cycle guys I like that they've let you Inspire a few beheadings over the weekend

It's like we'll take it up on Monday Maybe they were waiting for laws Only John Laws could follow the cycle Only he could fix it Well Isis and Lewis Apparently just an index finger just pointing up. That's what I was going to say. Which is like, how can they own that?

Yes. Everyone points with their finger. You can't just start a new gang and just say, we say hey on this gang. So if anyone says that, that's promoting us. You can't do that. So just do you want to clarify for the listeners that you are not part of ISIS?

Yeah. I thought that was clear enough. Thank you for muddying the waters. I don't know if you've ever come out strongly and said, oh my god. You're the one that told us what the gang signalled for ISIS. You're not the only one that knew. I love the idea that we'd have a guest on this program without having full confirmation

that they're not a part of ISIS. I know. We're not picky. Of all the podcasts that I could have been, all the television shows I could have been invited onto and had to declare I'm not a member of ISIS. Yeah, to be fair, this, out of all the podcasts, this is probably the most ISIS-friendly podcast.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You know they're going to quote that, and then they're going to quote... No, no, no. I should clarify, I did not endorse that statement. You did not endorse me and Tommy's absolute strong links with ISIS. Why did I get dragged into this?

Hey, hey, we want to get in the Daily Mail. You might not want to, but we want to get in the Daily Mail. There is no doubt that's exactly what you did. You guys do have an actual army behind you, like a dum-dum club. Yeah, they're worse than ISIS. Why didn't you tell me just how sinister this thing was? ISIS don't ring you

and text you in the middle of the night which is what we got. They're worse. Just so you know, there's a bit of a running thing at the moment where they've put

my phone number around toilets around Melbourne and stuff like that or wherever it is. A listener got his number. No, you read your number out. My number's been out for years on this podcast,

and so they do different things. A new thing at the moment is they're putting my number up in toilets, and I'm getting a lot of horny truck drivers. What are they saying? They don't ring, they just text. I got a lot last night. My go-to thing is now they ask for pictures, and I send them pictures of Tommy.

And then Tommy posed for a lot of topless pictures for me to send out. So I've been doing that. Long before this truck driver thing. Just had him anyway in the bank ready to go. This was more of a wedding present that he sent out. Right, I see. So now I'm sending them thinking this is a funny thing. But then I send them.

And then, of course, I didn't realise that Tommy's physique is so such a so popular in the bear community oh you realise I've seen the way you look at me

yeah yeah you realise I've been sending them out as a bit of a joke like haha this isn't a picture of me and then they just get more interested

wow do they send photos back they they either send photos back or they go do you want to send do you want photos back and then

and then it just escalates from that. Wait a minute, guys. Tell me what happens. I got a bunch last night. And so my initial thought is always like, I'll send this out and this will be funny. And then they kept texting back and then I get scared. I don't know why I get scared, but I just get scared that somehow they're going to hunt me down. Well, you're shy.

And fuck me. Playing hard to get. Has your wife seen pictures of guys just pop up on your phone? Oh, yeah. I've had to hide some stuff. Oh, my God. Playing hard to get Has your wife seen Pictures of guys Just pop up on your phone Oh yeah She I've had to hide Some stuff I'm like Oh my god

I'm like oh that's like Don't worry about it It's for the pod It's comedy Yeah It's work Oh my god You have the best job

For excuse me Yeah Anything Oh it's just comedy babe It's all a joke It's just comedy Yeah yeah yeah Another podcast prank

Is your Are any of these places That bear your number Are there any of them In Townsville Oh well that's a good question I don't think Are they all more local Than that

Well we don't know Because the hard thing is When someone sends me A dick pic I don't go Where did you get This number from You can't recognise

The background What postcode is this from Is this dick in Yeah you need to do Like in a hacker movie Where you like Download the image And then do like in a hacker movie where you like download the image and then do like geo-tagging on the like, you know, the data of the image.

I think you should, don't you want to know? I do, but I just don't know the right time to ask because like literally there's one that's still going this morning, like from last night. I sent pictures back last night and then it just kept going all night because I wouldn't answer because I got scared. This is so funny.

And then they think I'm playing hard to get now. So they're just like getting more and more desperate. So I wake up to like, so they texted all night last night and I just let it all go. And then I wake up to a message this morning going, do you want to taste my cum? This is so good. This, cause this is like, you've been with your wife, what, like 15 years or something now. And it's just like, you've been inadvertently kind of like thrust back into the dating game.

I'm on Grindr now. I predate Tinder, but I'm going straight to Grindr. He's just like, I'm shy. He said, do I want to taste his cum? I don't know what to write back. It's been such a long time. What did you say? But I like that you're staying match fit for the eventuality.

Exactly, yes. So what was your response? Well, I can respond right now if you want. for the eventuality. Exactly, yes. Yeah, so what was your response? I'm not... Well, I can respond right now if you want. Yeah. I don't know that I need to be complicit in this. Oh, well...

Well, the last bit is do you want to taste my... Do you want to taste my cum? So what... I can't leave a question like that just... Is this after you've sent a photo of Tommy? Yes. And what happened after the Tommy photo?

This is all the... This is all the messages. Just read the whole thing. Give me the whole thing. All right, so I sent... I found your number, Carl. Any pics? I send this picture of Tommy.

A topless picture of Tommy with a cowboy hat on. That's very saucy. What's with the sucking on your own finger bit? That's a passport photo. Oh, okay. Right. That's before they changed the regulation. No smiling bit.

You've got a lot of hair. What's with the sucking on the finger? Yeah. That's the second ISIS salute. That's the ISIS after dark salute. That's the one finger ISIS thing and just how much I love ISIS. I want to eat ISIS. I want to eat you up ISIS.

It says you far from here. Where's here? Where's here? And it's like, that's what I should have asked. Where's here? Where's here? From where? Come on, Carl. You're going to be single forever if you keep this up. And then he said, what about what's below?

And then does the thinking face. And then big gap of me being scared and running home and hiding under the bed. And then not keen to show me? Then the prayer the prayer hands really would appreciate a sneaky look may want to help you to and then squirt emoji oh yeah nice and then want to see mine and then what did you say again no no message back you're not replying at all no so hang on so in this exchange what you've done is you've advertised your number in a public place. Yes.

Then upon first contact you sent a topless sexy ISIS photo. Yes. And I just realised And then you've just gone you've ghosted. I know.

You're a fuck boy. Do you have the read receipts on so does he know that you're reading? No I'm not that old. Come on. Yeah come on.

Come on mate. I've been around the block a few times. You're shy. You're just not. I know I'm apparently old school advertising by putting my number for a good time on toilets, but I'm not that old school. A couple of people actually call up those numbers. That's what I've been talking about the last couple of weeks.

It still works. It's better than Facebook advertising. How long has it been up there? So apparently a few, like a month or so. A couple of months now. So how much traffic are we talking about here? Oh, I've got a couple of dozen messages. So for a comedy festival show, you could just say,

for a good time, call, and then you give them the number. Oh, comedyfestival.com.au. Yeah, or just like... Oh, yeah, that sounds like a good way to have a good relationship with the comedy festival organisers. Or do you mean you just get material for the show this way? Or the Project Studio audience. Oh, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. So, hang on. What time of day is this text message exchange happening, if you can call it an exchange? It started at 10 o'clock. PM. PM? PM.

Okay. So, hang on. I only just realized you're sending these men, let's assume men, you're sending them this photo of me, and you're basically saying that's you. Interesting. Which means you could be cleaning up. Yeah, exactly. I can see this coming back to bite me in the ass in a big way. Oh, well that's

what this guy wants to do actually. Just it circling back around like you know, a gay friend of my girlfriend being like, I've got some bad news for you. I found this number on a toilet wall. This picture, if I send this to enough people, you could become a gay icon because all these people are going to be super horny and be chasing this new white whale going,

oh, we've all talked to him, but we've never got any action out of him. We've got to track him down. I don't mind that. I'm just going to rewind on a couple of things. Sure. One is, how many places have your number? Is it just this one place? Again, I don't know.

I don't think you're anywhere near curious enough about how this has happened or why. No. It sounds pretty curious to me. This has happened, just so you know, this has happened for you. All this sort of stuff has happened for years. My number's been there for years. Oh, this is just your life? This is my life.

Right. Okay. That's why he's not... Yeah, he's not asking questions and stuff because it's not that interesting to him. I went through three months where they changed the name of Guzman and Gomez in South Yarra to my number.

So I was just getting nothing but calls and messages about cold burritos for three months. So, like, I've talked to stuff before. And you never change your number? No. You quite enjoy this, don't you? Well, it's something to talk about, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Look at him. He's sick in the head. Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay. My other question is for you, Tommy. What were the circumstances that led to that photograph? Oh, so this was when we started talking about this on the podcast a couple of months ago. This was, it was.

So it was a purpose built photograph. It was purpose, yeah. It was sent, it was that was a purpose-built photograph yeah it was sent it was to send back to one of the first people who'd messaged it was no what was the back of it his number being on the truck yeah what was happening was the first couple of messages i was taking pictures of tommy without him knowing and then i unveiled it to him on the podcast and said this is i've been seeing these pictures out so he was basically well let's pose for a photo thing let's get a better one so what were the photos you were sending that you'd taken? Just me eating chips.

Yeah, yeah. There's one of me eating fries. Was the problem that that wasn't reeling in enough fish or something? No, that was going well, but I guess we wanted to see if we could up the ante. And did it work? Well, yes. I mean, the last message this morning is, I am keen to taste your cum. So, yeah, it is working.

No, but what I want to know is, is the chip eating photograph eliciting the same response? You're not sending the chip eating photo once you've got the shirtless cowboy. No, no, but I want to know whether it makes a difference. I want to know whether eating chips is just as alluring. Okay. Send the chip one back to, what was it? Do you want to taste my cum? Yeah.

Too busy eating these chippies. Too busy tasting Doritos. I've got my mouth full already. I'll do that now. Doritos! You're far too good at this, Nazeem. I've had my number up in a few toilets. The problem is now, because we talked about this a couple of months ago,

the truck stop thing. By the way, I've been scrolling through trying to decide what pictures to send him and have like really have nearly sent pictures of my child and wife, which would have been a little bit confusing. It's a little bit dangerous. The problem now, Alit, is because we talked about this original, it was as far as we knew one truck stop toilet wall that it was written on. But because we've now talked about it on the podcast,

we might be dealing with some copycats. This could be on multiple truck stop walls now. I have had a few people send me pictures of my number written on new places. So I'm torn between talking about it and not talking about it. It doesn't sound like you're torn, mate. You're really going for it. No. Okay, how about this?

It seems like I'm going to be torn pretty soon. Why don't you ask the guy if he wants to come and talk about it on It doesn't sound like you're torn, mate. You're really going for it. How about this? Why don't you ask the guy if he wants to come and talk about it on the podcast? No. How he found it, the circumstances. I think that's a really terrible idea. It could be the last podcast. Or at least call him. You've got his phone number. No, I don't need to do

any of that stuff. I'm scared to text him back. I just want to know what type of person calls up a number. Is he a young person? Is he really old? Is he a blue-collar worker? So I should ask for a pic then. Yeah, you can ask for a pic. No, but you're not going to get a pic that reveals any of that.

Just say, clothes on for a start. I suspect you're going to get a different sort of a picture. I like the arc of me on this episode. I opened it by saying I was nervous, and then half an hour later it's me going, hey, Waleed, check out all the men who want to fuck me. I also like that he's been complaining it's taken six months to get to this point,

and he spent the whole time talking about this thing he apparently doesn't want to talk about. You finally got Waleed. He's like, you want a taste of my food? Waleed. I've sent out a picture. I've sent out the chip eating picture.

Can I say one thing? Did you know about one or two years... Oh, you've sent that one. I've sent that one back. I said, I'm busy right now. They're good chips too, by the way.

The Big Mac fries at Spleen. Shout out. You're looking for something out a sponsorship deal in this content? I eat them all the time. Wow, all right. That's how he got that physique from the first bit. Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Weren't you named the number one culture maker in Australia like about a year or two? You might not admit it. Was I? Yeah, it was like there was some sort of list of people that are most influential in culture. And you've got, well, historically, I don't know what year it was, most influential person in Australia.

And this is what you spend time talking about. Well, this is a kind of culture, I guess. What's wrong with this? There's nothing wrong with it. Yeah, yeah, this is grassroots. It's coming up to Mardi Gras as we're recording this. Yeah. All right, back to the project for one second. Oh, okay. No, but this is one more thing coming up to Mardi Gras as we're recording this yeah alright alright back to the project for one second

but no but this is one more thing I want to bring up which by the way the reason I brought up the Townsville all those messages can you shout out

this horny truck driver on the project do a signal if you want to meet him at the Ballarat truck stop that's right I started all this with signal

talk yes oh no I'm so sorry. But those messages, I was on the feedback one day and I remember being there, I was hungover and I was in a shitty mood or whatever it was. And you'd done something the night before

that had just lit up the switchboards, right? And so one of those days you walk in there and in the writer's room you know, like someone will go, look, someone said something last night. Just be ready with the feedback. Just get ready. And so there's like a million messages.

And there was a lot of – and this is years ago. This is actually years ago. So there was all different people working there then. And I have to go through them. And there's all these negative ones about you and a lot of wallied. And I'm like, you know what? I'm hungover. I'm already pissed off. Something had happened. And I'm like, you know what, I'm hung over, I'm already pissed off,

something had happened, I'm like, fuck this. So I just start going them back. I just start having to crack back at them. What happened? And I was like just saying,

just being a mega smartass going, oh, you look like a fucking genius so I'll be sure to, I'll be sure to write down all these messages and we'll make sure

the show's all fixed for you by tomorrow night. Don't worry about that. And I'm sending all these messages just because I'm in an absolute shitty mood just going mask off yeah yeah i love it so then a week later um i get called into a meeting wow yeah just by my direct not not by the big cheeses or anything like that just by my direct boss and it's like yeah you were feedback on this day and you and look we were getting a lot of complaints about the

feedback people were so the cheek of these people from Townsville were like coming in going fuck you and then I'm going oh how's your

fucking shit ass holding on and then they're going oh the project we're going to drag the project for this yeah yeah

never have I been so insulted in all my life exactly so've got complaints about the feedback to complaints? Yes, exactly. I love you set up to Waleed who doesn't know you very well like, yeah, you know, I was really hung over

or I was in a bit of a bad mood. Me and Nazeem like, this would have just been an average day. We know what you're like. You woke up. But I think about this a lot, right? But I never think to go to the writer's room because it doesn't occur to me that that's where...

That's where it happens. Because I often talk... You know, there's... In the office, when you walk in, there's the reception desk. Yep. And there are two people who... And it's usually the same two women who do it. Yes.

And so I will frequently go to them and check in and say, how are the phones today? And whatever. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. Because I hate the idea that I've said something or we've done something and now they're doing... Someone else is having to cop out.

Hell, for some reason it's more tolerable knowing it's you on the other end. Well, it's exactly like these messages today. Like, these people aren't ringing up off the toilet wall

so it's not going to front desk. It's not going to reception. They're messaging stuff through. Colts, you're actually the best man for the job when it comes to the stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It depends what you want the job to be.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Because I thought I was doing a good job. I thought it was funny, but I did cop it for it. So it was probably on brand. Yeah, yeah. To some extent. What are you supposed to do when someone complains?

What's the correct response to? Yeah, what's protocol? While Ed, you didn't talk enough about blah, or like what are you supposed to say to them? There's like set little, what do you call it? Templated responses. Anyone who's going to write in and have a crack at that stuff like that, fuck them. More shows should have someone like you in there, a real fixer.

You're right. You're just prepared to put them on blast and go off. I think this is the first time anyone on this show has been on my side. This is awesome. First time Tommy's been on your side. Weird, weird. Yeah, I'm with that Yeah

Someone who's writing in Being a fuckhead about It was definitely People who deserved it People who were being assholes So okay Is it harder For you guys

So I don't Obviously I don't know What it was That triggered all of that Yeah I don't It was years ago Yeah Was it actually

A big problem Or was it just something That some people Got heated up about But wasn't a big problem or was it just something that some people got heated up about but wasn't a big problem it was it was a i don't remember what it was but it was definitely one of those days where it was a lot it was whatever you'd said had been a divisive thing and it was a lot of feedback so is it harder or easier if you agree with what was said um well gee that's a tough question because it's not like a if if someone's sending positive messages in yeah that's an easy one because you just go thanks for your response and that's an easy button to click yeah i wrote that my name's carl yeah

yeah yeah exactly that was my bushfires i wrote But, yeah, if it's something divisive, there's a lot of different buttons to press, a lot of different messages you have to send out. You don't care whether you agree with the substance of the thing that's being said. You just care about... You would have agreed with what Waleed had said if you were going into bat for it.

Yes. What if there's someone controversial, like Steve Price, he says stuff all the time which is unpopular. Yeah. Then how do you guys deal? Again, there's something controversial, like Steve Price, he says stuff all the time, which is unpopular. Then how do you guys deal? Again, there's templated responses. We have a templated response that says, yes, we know Steve Price is a fucking idiot. Get on with it.

Right. Okay. No, we don't have that. Again, that was me hung over one day. I apologize for those messages. Boy, you've got a drinking problem. All right. So there's one more thing, one more culture within the project

that I want to broach with you. And also, you've been a panel member as well recently. Oh, once. Yeah, once. So you know this now. Stressful. Yeah, go on, ask your question. No callback.

All right. Sorry, what was that? No. Well, Leeds back, no callback. Yeah, this world's too wide for the both of us. It's because there was too many messages complaining saying, Nozzeem. Why are you sitting over there?

Yeah. Nozzee Hossie. So part of what we do in the writer's room is we, so there's stories on the show and then the writer's room will write like funny little tags off the back of it, little jokes off the back of it. So it'll generally be like there'll be something happening in Iraq, there'll be something, bad weather conditions in New South Wales,

and then, oh, and Wobbsy the dog got his head stuck down the dunning today. I love that Wobbsy story. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then it comes back, and then you say, oh, that was a big dog. That must be like a full flush, not a half flush. Something like that, right? Good stuff, Wally. Classic Wally.

Classic. Yeah. Now, those little asides off the back, the writer's room will write like a bunch of them, right? Heaps of them. And then those will be compiled and then put out to people on the desk. So the whole day writing them. Pages and pages of jokes about a dog with its head down the toilet.

Yeah, yeah, totally. Whether or not that's the new story, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, every day. I'm pitching that story in the morning every morning because I've got plenty of those jokes up my sleeve. You're going around getting dogs and putting them down the toilet for stuff to write about. Yeah, exactly.

I know this story's about ISIS, but I'm on the dog. It's an epidemic. Funnily enough, a lot of our ISIS jokes don't get up on the show. No one wants to read those jokes out. That is strange, yeah. So we need to write the dog Dunny jokes into there. So that means those pages of jokes go out to people that are on the desk, which means that you get some, Pete Hellyer will get some,

Carrie will get some, and then whoever the fourth one, like a Nazeem, will get some, maybe sometimes. And then there are some people on the desk that aren't allowed to get them. There's always a little bit of politics where... What do you mean? Well, there's some people that aren't judged as being worthy of... Oh, so like the writers actually don't give the jokes to all the panellists. Yeah, because some of them aren't...

Not good at telling jokes. Well, they're not comedians, so they're probably... They'd butcher it. It might be wasted on them. Yeah. No way! But I think usually... See, I don't actually know all the details of this, right?

Yep. But I think usually the fourth doesn't get it. I got it. Yeah, but maybe that's because you are a comedian. I do comedy. But I think generally speaking, because the idea is you want the person who's in that chair just to be themselves.

Yes, exactly. Whereas the rest of us are not at any stage to be ourselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the... That is the rule. But that's what I was going to say. The politics of all that is like, yeah, it's interesting when someone doesn't get it and then someone does get it. But then what's good is in the writer's room, you barrack for your jokes to get up. Yeah, right.

So Pete is, you know, the registered comedian on the panel most nights. And so he's always pushing through and we're always like, oh, Pete, yeah, great, right, he'll do one. Or if he doesn't do one, all of a sudden, like, you're like bonus points. So if you do one of those jokes, we're like, yes! I had no idea. Well, he's doing them. Really?

Yeah. So I think, I could be wrong because I don't watch the show, I'm on it, so you have a different perspective. Yeah. But I don't feel like I use them very often at all. No, but that's what I'm saying. Bonus points. So what leads to three-pointer line? Yes. That's really interesting.

What's the reward that you get for bonus points? Well, there's no physical reward. It's not like you get any extra in the pay packet. It's more like sometimes I've had writers come in and say and go, Woolly did one of my jokes last night and you go all right mate we've all got it's like getting a pete joke on is easy

right you know carrie did one and nailed it you go fuck yeah that must have been a good joke yes so it's complicated for us though in the middle in the middle of the desk because pete usually kicks off yes and i find so there have been nights where i don't even look yeah because it's like well because you see chandler's writing no but that's usually when i look just to say i wonder what the hell no no the dog there's no dog in the toilet tonight why is the dog there um no i just want a cartoon of the dog yeah how am i meant to say that no but because pete usually leads off yeah i find drawing a cartoon of the dog? Yeah, how am I meant to say that? No, but because Pete usually leads off, I find that a lot of those lines only work immediately off.

Yes. So it becomes really hard to use, right? Yes, it is hard. But then occasionally what happens is, so I find that they can be useful in two ways. One is you've just read them and it's lodged. Yep. And for some reason, by some miracle, the Red Sea parts

and the conversation leads you directly to what that line would be. It sets you up, yes. And then you would go for it. I absolutely agree. And I've seen you do that. Right. And I had no intention of saying it. Yes.

And then suddenly it was like, oh, there's that thought. Yeah, you're hanging over the ring and then all of a sudden Larry Bird just puts one over the top and you go, alley- there's that thought. Yeah, you're hanging over the ring and then all of a sudden Larry Bird just puts one over the top and you go, alley-oop, thank you. Isis, what a pack of cunts. Thank you, Chandler. By the way, how cute is that dog? The other

one, which I find is actually more common is where the joke itself isn't what's useful but it makes you think about the story in a way that you otherwise wouldn't and you say something that's three steps removed but you never would have got there. That's right. Thank you, Weldon.

Carl Chandler really makes you think. Yeah, that's true. Some real head scratches in the Chandler packet. Yeah, full flush. That is interesting. Yeah, because some people would actually only half flush that dog. It really makes you think, how did this guy get this job? Is this meant to be funny?

It's stressful. I did that one episode, and it was bloody... There's people talking in your ear. They go, Lisa's going to ask this question, then we're going to come to you, Naz. Anyway, whilst the package is playing,

and there's like 10 seconds to go, they go, actually, we're going to swap it up. Naz, you're asking the question second and I'm just like what the hell is going on yeah and it's just so confusing I felt like I

was just watching the show most of the time like what if you found out afterwards that the earpiece wasn't even on and you just have automatic episode and it was me do the

joke do the dog joke I use one of the Harry Potter no Harry Prince Harry jokes Harry Potter same thing right off the bat they go all right Naz actually we're going to come to you just for the break I used one of the Harry Potter, no, Harry, Prince Harry jokes. Harry Potter? Same thing. Right off the bat, they go,

all right, Naz, actually, we're going to come to you just for the break, 10 seconds. And I was like, what am I going to say for 10 seconds?

I don't talk in 10 second blocks. So then I just went straight to one of the jokes and they, and they work. Yeah. I don't think you'll work in that day though.

Yeah. So who was it that boasted about the next day you said? I don't know. I don't know. Maybe you tell me. The worst thing about them is when you read a few and you go, that is genius.

There is no way that I could say it. There's no way I could deliver it. Oh, really? Yeah. That does happen quite a lot. So maybe should I file a report with that so that you get bonus points? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would that be bonus points?

Or is it like, is the thrill? The thrill is getting your joke on TV. And the bonus thrill is a non-comedian. Right. And someone who's described as an intellectual has thought. A culture maker, mate. Your joke is good enough. It is a culture maker.

But what if I think it's good enough? Yeah. But I just can't. But you can't use it. No, you can't use it. What then? Maybe right at the end of the show when you sign off, just say apologies to Carl Chandler.

He's head down the dunny joke. Wasn't appropriate at the time. Like when we don't get to a segment occasionally. Just before we go, here are several of the jokes we didn't get to tonight. You just do it as the credits are rolling. You stand up and you just Leno style. You just go into a full monologue of all the jokes

that wouldn't fit into the show. Sure, I think our format's elastic enough for me. Why don't you start the project with a monologue? Yeah, just one night. Try it. One night. Here are a bunch of jokes I probably won't use. They'll make sense later. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We haven't done the stories yet, but out of context, here's a

few zingers. Get a band leader in there. It'd be great. Okay, good. Good one, Waleed. Me with sunglasses on. Pink cowboy hat, no shirt.

Yeah, get them, Waleed. Making your own job there. Nice. I like it. Are we still talking about the trucking thing or what? I think so. I think we're gradually

making that a segment. Not only in our show but in your show. Yeah, that's right. All right, we'll get off the project for a minute. All right, all right. We'll that's right. All right, we'll get off the project for a minute. All right, all right. We'll get to Naz.

All right, Naz. What? I'm just here as a buffer. Oh, really? Okay. He's a chaperone. He's done a pretty crap job, I think. What I like,

so you've been on the project lately as a... Once. Once. Yeah, I know. But as a guest. As a guest, yeah, yeah. Your profile's growing and growing

because we started sort of at the same time I actually only realised that when we were talking about it the other day did you come to any of the raw comedy heats

yeah yeah you did yeah the Evelyn you might have watched no it wasn't the Evelyn no sorry somewhere else in Fitzroy

it was the Evelyn right yeah the Evelyn that's where Carl you might have actually seen Carl do his raw comedy you might have actually seen Carl do his raw you would have seen him start

his comedy career really yeah yeah so we were in the same state final I'm pretty sure

you came to the state final yeah I think I did because I didn't go to the national final we were in the same state final

you saw Carl yeah yeah start in comedy I came equal runner-up. You came equal. No, I didn't. So basically,

for those of you that don't know how I got into comedy, I did raw comedy with, so, you know, I entered and basically most of the Muslim community came.

Well, the pub was full of Muslims. It was. And no one was buying alcohol. Yeah. Just hijabs and beards. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. A lot of soda water. A lot of soda water. And no one was, alcohol just hijabs and beards and a lot of a lot of soda water a lot of soda water and no one was and the other thing and a lot of and a lot of

a lot of white comedians a lot of you know middle aged white comedians on stage getting fucking nothing so good which is the rude thing

I was like I actually get annoyed at least like pretend to laugh at the others like you're allowed to you know laugh at theirs

they were just like they were so loyal to what I do. You've been scowling at us for a decade. We're going to scowl at you. And then they were just raw. I wouldn't even get to the jokes yet. All the dumb young white comic material was not too relatable to the audience.

That's probably true. Come on, your first open mic is a lot like your first time having sex. You've got to give them that. That's a super hack joke for everyone anyway so yeah so heat after heat it would just be like pubs full of muslims yeah and then the yes because it was you and so i did it the first time then armor saw me and i was like oh i can do it so he answered i'm a rahman same year right same year and then muhammad saw me muhammad and

so me and i'm gonna Muhammad who Muhammad Al-Asi so he also so we formed a trio called Fear of a Brown Man and you were trying to get me was it Arma who was trying to recruit me into this thing

no I mean our stories differ here but basically before this I remember I called up the Melbourne Comedy Festival and said hey me

my friend Waleed and I don't know if I said the names but it was you me and Arma we wanted to do a show for the Melbourne Comedy Festival

how do we like do it and they go oh have you done comedy before i go oh nah but so how do i book a venue they go so you've never done stand-up they go i said no they go well maybe you should try to do this thing called raw comedy what's that you're like the guys it's my birthday can you announce it on the program they go oh it's just five minutes i go five minutes like i was just like what the hell like five minutes is not... We want to do an hour show. I don't know how I thought that was possible. Anyway, so that's why I entered Raw. And I remember talking to you about it after that conversation

with whoever it was at the Marvel Comedy Festival. And I don't know why you didn't... So you just put my name forward without me... I don't think I put your name forward. I basically called up the Comedy Festival. I remember I was at RMI TV at the time. Yeah. I made the call.

But we were talking about it yeah no stage did I want to do this yeah no but while we were having the conversation

and why was it in my mind at the time I'm not crazy so this is what happened so so he so Willian could have been a stand up

yeah and so he was probably there in that night at the state final so what happened was I got equal runner up there was like four equal runner ups or whatever and they didn four equal runner-ups or whatever.

And I was the only person out of the winner and the runners-up that didn't go through the final. They just didn't put me through the final. Really? Yeah, because the guy that ran it at the time didn't like me. So I was one of the runners-up and he wasn't there at the time. And from the sound of it, he got back and then went, what the fuck is this?

That's not happening. So anyway, I then met you about maybe a year later or something at another show or within the next year. And I remember meeting you and I was like, oh, it's from the final that I met there at the night. And I was like, oh, hey, man. And then you go, oh, yeah, you're that guy that sort of tries to rip off Stephen Wright. Did I say that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're that guy that, like, sort of tries to rip off Stephen Wright. Did I say that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would have tried to be complimentary. But it was like, you were very sort of like, you weren't like, hey, man. You were just like, oh, you're that Stephen Wright ripoff guy. Okay, can I be honest? That's not, I don't go up to people and say insults to their face. That doesn't sound like you. I would have been like, hey, you're like Steven. But if it came off like that.

I think it came. Anyway. Even if I'm trying to be a dick, I don't say it like that. Can I just say quickly, you guys have had this conversation on the podcast at least twice before. In this exact way where you don't remember it every time you get told. I don't remember this conversation. This feels brand new to me. Well, I thought I may have brought this up,

but I have a new end to it because... You've been working on this conversation bit. I've always thought of that bit and gone, man, that was sort of rude for him to say that. But then I was talking to you... Is that why I didn't get invited to the wedding? And did I say this last time? But then I was talking to you not long...

We were talking about this whole thing. We realised we were, you know, you didn't realise we were in the same state final. And I was talking to you not long ago. We were talking about this whole thing and we realised we were, you know, you didn't realise we were in the same state final and I was always like, yeah, yeah, yeah, because, you know, we came equal runner up

and then you went through to the final and then you go, that wasn't me. You thought I was Amir. Yeah, you were like, that was one of the other ones. Oh, wow.

You're Stephen Wright, rip off. Yeah, exactly. How did Amir end up in the national final though He actually He did He was really good

Very polished I'm not denying that But how did he get My memory of it Was that you were in the same year And you were in the state final And he wasn't or something No he was in the state final

So me him And I No Muhammad wasn't No it was the two of you Yeah and So like Again Even at the state

There was about half the pub Full of Muslims And when he came on When I came on But I think the judges had to listen through that and get to the judge

and my set was pretty it was average it was really sloppy Armour's was actually very slick it was a good set I don't remember yours at all yeah yeah yeah

but I agree because at the time it was like yeah shock is your crowd and then the rest of us were like going off scraps in terms of response. And then you three destroy and we're like, well, we can see what's going to happen here. And then for some reason, they did see through us.

And I went pretty well, but not amazing. You would have been saying jokes. Yeah, I was doing jokes. And I do remember getting getting halfway through and going, this is not going as well as it should be in front of a big crowd. And then I remember doing a joke right in the middle about a medicine ball and it destroyed. And then I was back, baby.

Then I was back. What's a medicine ball joke? I can't remember. It was so long ago. But, you know, the Muslim community. It's a big medicine ball community. The image of the venue manager at the pub

just being absolutely filthy at the turn out of this game is just, because you know how it would work is like, yeah, cool, you can have the space weekend afternoon.

You can have it for free. A lot of people will come in. We'll sell a lot of beers. It'll be great. This is like a Thursday night. So I was like, could I have a Thursday night's pub? It's prime time.

Yeah. But I like the idea that he wouldn't have twigged until half way through the night he would have seen all the

traffic this is amazing people are working behind the bar and then the owner walks in and goes

fuck yeah what have we made three dollars just for tonight pub squash is 15 bucks plus

so I bring that up meaning that we started together but your profile's gone bang I mean you're working on the project and I'm not yeah and I've got

a podcast still so but we went to a gig the other night and then we went I took you to a bar and so I love oh yeah that was fun

what I love is I love taking you into social situations where you haven't been before like you because you ask me because you don't drink, you'll say, it sounds like I'm talking to a child, but you'll be like, so what's being drunk like?

I have this same thing. I'm constantly like, at the project, we have a rehearsal and there's often gaps while they figure out cameras or lighting or whatever. And you turn to Carrie and go, what's being drunk like? Kind of. Except it's Pete. But I will have lengthy conversation with him. Okay, so describe a hangover.

Right, right, right. Because I have no idea what this is. Look, is it like being jet lagged? What is it? Right. And I can never quite get my head around it. Yeah, I love it. I love it.

It's like talking to someone who's just landed on the planet. Yeah. So it's great. I like being jet lagged. That'd be nice. Right, okay. All right. Point have this i have no interest in drinking the only curiosity i have the only thing i would like to know is what kind of drunk i would be right yeah i've tried i've asked so many people and i can never get a straight answer probably

because there isn't one about is there a an equivalent like if can you extrapolate from how you are when you haven't had any sleep to how you will be when you're drunk is there a way of predicting this thing well they say sleep deprivation is the equivalent of having an alcohol blood level yeah that might be true as far as decision making and driving and stuff but is it true as far as personalities could say like you know something when they get overtired they get giddy and stupid and whatever and other people get overtired, they get giddy and stupid and other people just shut down. When people are giddy and tired,

they don't go, I love you, I just love you. Yeah, so you mean like, would you be an angry drunk? Would you be at a party like chewing people's ear off with facts?

Imagine Waleed at an angry drunk. And is there a way of predicting from the way I am in other situations? Okay, can I say one thing? People don't see

Waleed's aggressive side. I've seen it once. Seen it once. Yeah, once. You remember. Fuck, I I say one thing? People don't see Waleed's aggressive side. I've seen it once. I've seen it once. Yeah, once. You remember. Fuck, I think we're about to say it for a second. We went away

on this little trip like a few friends and... Oh, hang on. This is far from fair. Calm down, mate. Calm down. Thank you.

Take it easy. And we were... I just remember it was me, Armir was there, a couple of other friends and I remember Waleed was out of the room and I was remember it was me, Armir was there, a couple of other friends and I remember, Waleed was out of the room and we're like,

I was like, hey guys, when Waleed comes in, there's a rug on the floor, let's just all grab him, wrap him, like roll him up in this rug and it'll just be hilarious.

I'm the aggressive one in this story. Are you not even drunk? Yeah. What the fuck's wrong with you? No, he's just, he's just eight. And they're all like,

yeah, yeah. I was about to say, just have a beer for fuck's sake. I'll grab his legs and you guys grab his legs. They're like, so you're going to grab the legs? Yeah, I'll grab the legs. And then, yeah, and then to hold his hands. And so we had this planned out and it was, you know, it was my idea.

Anyway, Waleed walks in. I'm like, quick. And I jump at his legs and everyone else just stands back and just starts pissing themselves. Anyway, Waleed sort of sees what I'm doing and suddenly switches from normal will lead to competitive will lead and and we actually like had like a tussle and like i was trying to get him on the ground and oh yes but you took it you just you just didn't want to you want to play fight you wanted to actually just and i felt like proper strength he wasn't like play fight just tell them I don't know

what you should talk about just tell them who won won the court case afterwards well he did beat the crap out of me it was self defence you're honest

great so that was hot stuff I reckon the guy from the truck he was real anger management problems so I took you to a bar the other night and again this is sort of a place where So, that was hot stuff. I reckon the guy from the truck stopped at Injury Man. There's real anger management problems there.

So I took you to a bar the other night and again, this is sort of a place where I'd bring you in and you're sort of wide-eyed sort of going, what happens in here? And you know. No, okay.

But it was good because we walk in and it shows that your profile has lifted so much because you're getting a few stares on the way in and well, they're also all white

and 18. Wrong pub, mate. Uber driver's here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. on the way in and well they're also all white and 18 wrong pub mate Uber driver's here yeah yeah yeah no shisha in here but anyway so we walked in and it's great though

because you have for someone who's sort of a bit shy in that situation we sat there and got like a neither of us are drinking

at the moment and we got like a soda water or whatever and then there like a soda water or whatever and then there's a guy next to you who just starts talking to you this like fucking weird looking

teenager next to you and you start going yeah I'm into this and then you're going hey man what's going on what's happening and he's like

oh not much man and you're straight into it going what do you do for a living and he goes I'm a model and you go you into it going what do you do for a living and he goes I'm a model and you go you're a model

what are you talking about you're a fucking model what are you making tens of thousands of dollars and he's like yeah and then you go is that right

you're making heaps of money what's it like is it good you just hang around with your shirt off for like hours and he's like yep

and you're like oh right right well how much how much to take your shirt off for like hours. And he's like, yep. And you're like, oh, right, right. Well, how much, how much to take your pants off? No, I didn't say how much.

I said, have you, have you done nudes? And he goes, nah, I go, how much, how much would you do it?

Yeah. Do you have a price? Like, what would your number be? And then you go, and then straight, so you ask that and then straight away, you get out your phone and go, what's your Instagram account?

And then he tells you, and he goes hang on you just asked how much to take your pants off and now you're following me and he's like literally going are you gonna message me what why do you need this information look to be honest when he started talking to me he he made out immediately like he was a big shot he was like uh he goes i can't remember how the conversation started but something like oh yeah i'm earning heaps of money because i'm a model and that's,

I'm just hanging out. And so I was just like, you know, is he like, what, is he really a big deal? So I really wanted to figure out if he was talking shit

and he did. The thing is, when people talk to me on the street, the thing that you probably have forgotten about me is that I'll out talk anybody and I don't care if I'm famous or not famous,

I'm a troll, you know, I'm fairly, I'm an annoying, I'm being annoying. Work at the feedback troll you know I'm fairly I'm not being annoying work at the feedback shift in the project there's a lot of

work on at the moment like I will I'm not afraid of flyering for my own show even if people are like

hey you're on television I don't really I'll close I used to do well at Telstra because I just hound people

into buying broadband so this guy I think after he got excited seeing me, just wanted me to leave him alone. Right, right. Yeah, no, he definitely did.

Which is a pretty usual interaction that I would have with people. The part of that story that's been glossed over is that Nazeem and I both worked as telemarketers and it's not funny, all right? It's not funny. There is nothing funny about it. You did well, didn't you? I did okay for a bit and then I got bored.

But you, I think, you I did okay for a bit then I got bored but you I think you took it as a performance look it was basically to be honest it was near yeah it was basically near my place

but it was weird so many Muslims worked there for some reason yeah no do you know why it's actually a bit of a sad story no no that happened because everyone

who worked there was a Muslim after a while no it started because all these Muslim women wearing hijab knew they could get jobs there. Oh, yeah. Because they could get hired. That's right.

Because they're not being seen. Yeah. Whereas if they tried, like they went and tried to get a job working in like hospitality or something. Yeah. People would just not hire them. Right. And pretend it was facility.

Unless they were in the kitchen, because then you've got to wear the kitchen hat things anyway. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. That hadn't been tested. But that's how it to wear the kitchen hat things anyway. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. That hadn't been tested. But that's how it started. The kitchen hat. We can call that as long as we can call that the Muslim hat.

Now, tell us you were sick there. You could do all sorts. Like, you get basically, you get graded on how many sales, obviously, you get, how long you're on the call versus how long you're in typing time, which is between calls. And so the higher your call to typing ratio is the, you know, the better you're at. The level of monitoring. Yeah, the monitoring.

But the thing is, I figured out a way. Fuck, the idea of you two side by side in cubicles. I think we missed each other a little bit. A little bit. Well, my wife, Susan, worked there as well. I think I worked there when she was working there. Yeah. I think we were there before you and I think you came just after.

Yeah. I worked there because like other Muslims were like i think we we were there before you and i think you came just yeah i worked there because like i like other muslims were like oh we could tell us it's we just it's just kind of like the way people freaked out about immigrants we just let everybody i i can't believe this because i never knew you really did that like i thought you were supposed to be a genius you're a fucking idiot how was that how were you working there well except except was i an idiot or was I a genius? Because the pay was really, like of all the options of jobs to get through uni, it was actually really bad.

It was really good because, yeah. It got worse, but it was like there. Yeah, you get tired of it quickly. Like I reckon a year, two years, I dreaded every shift. But I remember that first feeling of going in there and they're like, they're paying me what it was like 23 bucks an hour

this is like I watched Kathy Freeman win her gold medal at work at Telstra so I must have been working in 2000 yeah yeah

so 23 bucks an hour in 2000 that's a lot for a uni job I got paid more there than I did at PWC like after graduating

you also did more work at Telstra than you ever did no but this is crazy I remember one time and you get on this crazy campaign and it's not even like

you're really hard selling so you're calling up Telstra customers telling them about new products that might save them money like compared to their old Telstra product

and I remember one time the campaign was hey anyone that's on this old mobile phone plan you can credit all their outstanding amount and then put them on the new one. So even up to $2,500, you can just give them that for free. And remember, I've got this customer that quite literally had about $2,500 of debt.

So I was able to clear it for him, but he didn't know that I could just do it with a click of a button. So I was like, oh man, you got $2,500. You know what? I might be able to clear that for you. I'll have to speak to my supervisor, but I'm really going to have to twist his arm here. It could be a good half an hour. Oh no. And he was like, mate, if you could clear it?

Man. No way. Yeah, I'll wait. So I put him on hold. I had the exact same conversation last night with Optus. Fuck. But we all went to KFC up the road, got hot chips,

came back, and took him off the call and then I was like mate good news I can clear it he was celebrating fuck the guy pulled the same trick on me last night that's right

and it's great for your call to the typing room I just had a chat with the colonel I mean my boss we're good to go but we played games where like the manager would give you like would give you extra sort of i can't remember like points or something we had this point system if you could try and slip in as many accents into

one call as possible so you'd go like get out of my house go on a chinese accent indian arab hybrid accents and the hell is this breakfast show you're working it was like it was a bizarre yeah this is why nazim still feels like he can get on stage and do Chinese accent. It's not a problem. That's why you didn't need to do the five minutes to start with. Just give me an hour. I've got an hour of funny voices. Get up there and do some prank calls to fill time. If you hate the show, I'll clear your $25 ticket net

that you paid to get in. I want to know how it ended with this model in the oh that was you know how it ended we actually just got our drinks and went upstairs and sat

sort of hung out and then went okay we were sort of thinking I was sort of thinking I felt like a toolie yeah exactly everyone was 18

it was uni night yeah yeah it was uni night oh it was a Thursday night Tuesday night Carl and I were like special drop in guests at a local comedy club and there was no is that literally true or is he telling a joke no we did Yeah, it was uni night Oh, it was a Thursday night? Tuesday night Carl and I were like Special drop-in guests At a local comedy club

And there was no Is that literally true? Or is he telling a joke? No, we did No, it was true So they asked you to Oh, no, no, no There was no comedy

No, no It was an unannounced Spot that we just dropped It's a bit of a superstar move You know, you're just dropping in And Carl and I were like This double-agent Wow, you're like the Jerry Seinfeld

Of suburban Melbourne It looked weird Because it was like There was nowhere for us to sit or stand or anything. So we had to basically stand in the middle of everyone. And then all these like 17-year-olds are just looking at us going, who the fuck is that? What's going on? And I think I know who that is, but why is he here? But they all look identical, uni students at that age.

They're all, you know, especially if they're kind of white. They're all like pretty blondie. If they're kind of white, they're all like pretty blondie. If they're kind of white. No, they're all very white. They're very white, you know. I don't know what it is. And also the two of you drinking waters, somehow more sus than you. Exactly.

Actually drinking alcohol. Exactly. With straws, you know. You get drunk, but we need to stay lucid. I remember when I used to work at PwC, like Friday night drinks was a big thing. And it actually is important for your work. Like people, you have to sort of hang out.

And I realized that maybe a year in. And so I went to a few and because everyone's getting drunk, I used to get lemonade or soda in a short glass. Oh, nice. And it looks like, I don't know what, and you should just act progressively drunk throughout the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yay!

But so the end of the story is when we went upstairs, we're hanging out, we're sort of a bit awkward in the middle of this room where everyone's looking at us and then one girl has the courage to come over and it's like,

oh, here we go and then she comes over and goes, Carl, I see you at Spleen every week. I'm the one that gets recognized. He gets recognized

as a room runner. Yeah, no. Performer at Spleen every week because I'm on every week at Spleen and she comes up and goes, oh, I come down to Spleen every week and I see you and runner. Yeah, no. Performer at Spleen every week because I'm on every week at Spleen and she comes up and goes, oh, I come down to Spleen every week and I see you and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, oh, cool.

That's awesome. Thanks for coming down. And did you come a couple of nights ago? And she's like, no. I'm like, oh, that's a shame because I killed that night. Did you come the other weeks? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck. But then she was like, oh, I come every week with my boyfriend and I love it. I want to sit up the front and I'm always like, can we sit up the front? Can we sit up the front?

And finally I got my boyfriend to come and sit up the front and then you just fucked him right over and we're not allowed to share the phone anymore. I bet your next follow-up question was, how much did you put in the fucking bucket at the end? No, I didn't actually. I didn't do that.

So how often when you're out are you recognized either as someone else or are they recognizing the person that's you? People will often, and I don't know if it happens like that with you, but I just can't be bothered correcting them most of the time because they're excited to meet whoever it is that they think they're meeting. You don't want to deny them that moment. Often it's you. It's only happened to me once, a long time ago,

where someone came up to me, a very well-respected news broadcaster, came up to me and just said, Hey, so how's your stand-up comedy going? It's a real compliment when people think I'm Waleed. They might not have thought you were Nazeem. They might have just been working in the comedy festival when Nazeem made that phone call about that show. That's probably true.

I heard you were doing stand-up. How's it been going? It would have been a real sidebar to this person's career. I can tell you that. Actually, you've done comedy. With Charlie Pippen, they did a comedy festival. Yeah, I did a comedy festival. And they got four and a half stars,

and then he's never gone back to comedy since. Clocked it, moved on. I mean, technically, he's been reading my jokes out, so yes, he is. But thank you for the vote of confidence. All right, let's talk about this. So this is something we share, Walid, is a big love of Liverpool Football Club.

Yes, we do. I'm admiring your phone. Oh, yes, I've got a new phone cover. Yes. Sweet. So this is what... Because you don't come into the lolly room anymore because there's no lollies.

I'm going to make an effort. Make an effort. Oh, you said there are no lollies. Yeah, yeah, there's no lollies. I'm going to make an effort. Make an effort. Oh, you said there are no lollies. Yeah, yeah, there's no lollies. It's just the people. Yeah, sorry. You know what? Thursdays, I work Thursdays,

I'll bring in like a chocolate cake or something. Cake's a bit much. No, but that's my move. I don't like to bring in lollies. I like to bring in like heaps of muffins or something like that. Yeah, right. Big fan, by the way,

big fan of the David Jones. It's opened opposite the project. I'm interested in this. The food court. Yeah, so it's good, but I have a problem because I don't, like there's a more independent fruit and veg place up the road that I usually go to. Sure.

It's La Mana and something. Yes. And I always feel like I'm complicit in some terrible thing if I don't go there, if I go to... Sure, but I'm not a big one. I sort of think that's like a class, sort of a weird thing with David Jones. I've never been a person to go to David Jones in the city,

but this place, I went in there, and I reckon they've got the best chocolate muffins I've ever had in my life. Oh, wow. So I've got a problem now. I went in there the other day and bought three, and're like like a big they're like oh morning tea i'm like no no i'll be clear this is for me i'll be clear they're so good so there was two weeks where they didn't have them and i got into an argument with the people there because incredible i was

like where where are the muffins and they're like and this woman goes pointed at this young girl and goes she didn't pick them up this week she didn't and then the young girl's like what and like clearly the lady had made it up oh right

she's like what but like the old lady's the superior so she didn't follow it up and I'm like so are you going to go and get them today so you actually got involved

in that yeah I'm like a full strop yeah I said are you going to go and get them today absolutely because like that? Yeah, I'm like, you're going to get a full strop. Yeah, I said, are you going to go and get them today? Absolutely. Because like,

that was my morning. I go into David Jones Food Court at like nine o'clock in the morning and then I come back for lunch. So you've got to go get them. I went in for the morning muffin so I was coming back

for a lunch muffin. You go back for lunch, oh my God. So you cleared them out. You were three muffin a day. No, no, no,

9am they didn't have any. Right, so you go back at lunch to follow up. Yeah, I was going back to lunch to make sure they joined together. from David Jones

how much are they oh they're not too bad they're like $3.50 or something like that so I went back and I'm like are you going to go and get them

and they're like oh no we're not going to get them and then the woman just goes just get something else and I'm like what and she's got all

this other shit like underneath like a what do you call like a dome thing whatever you call those things. Yeah, yeah.

Like the high tea things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's got a couple of poppy seed muffins or something and she goes, just get a poppy seed muffin. It'll be better for you. Like, set it like that. And I go, I'm not getting a poppy seed muffin. She goes, just get one.

And then she goes to serve the next customer, like just says, just get one and moves on goes to serve the next customer like just says just get one and moves on and I go don't tell me what to do oh my god and then the customer

laughs his head off and I walk out the door so you can't go back no no no I went back but I was looking for her I was like you were talking about Liverpool

oh yes sorry Liverpool the home of muffins. That's how we got on with that. So, Liverpool. Yeah, because you don't come in for lollies anymore, so I don't see you. But the times I do see you,

I see you in the corridor and I talk about Liverpool. Yes. Because I remember last year, we went to England to do gigs, to do this podcast live. I reverse engineered it around so that we could go and watch a match. Well, I reverse-engineered it around so that we could go and watch a match. Well, I would be disappointed if it wasn't done that way. Yes.

So Tommy and I dragged Tommy up to Liverpool. We did shows in London. Do you have any idea what you're getting into at this point? Do you follow... Did I at the... No, this was last year. I know, but do you follow... No.

So you have no idea really why... No, non-sport person. Wow. But we went... We were sitting with the people who it was like this like very convoluted

way that we had gotten these tickets through listeners I begged for tickets through listeners and the universe came back you have an avenue

to tickets through this podcast yeah I'm putting a shout out yeah yeah give me like anything anywhere

anytime I really want to sit in an away end I've never done this there's more to the story. Okay, good. So let's crack on with this story. So, right.

As long as I get my shout out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want tickets, Carl. That's what I'm saying. I want tickets. Listen to the rest of this. Oh, okay. So we do that.

We have to fake a relationship with three separate groups of people to sit with these people. We get them very drunk to sort of go, yeah, we should be here because they're literally like, what the fuck is going on? We don't know who these people are. So anyway, we do all that. That's all great. I basically did that reverse engineering

because I thought we were going to win the championship last year. It was a running threat on this show. We go over, we didn't win. Right, this year, look. It's done. I have a problem saying it out loud, but we're 22 points ahead. Yes. It gonna it's gonna happen yeah it's gonna happen so tommy didn't want to come

back which is fair enough but i'm like right i the reason i wanted to go last year is because i want to be part of that winning season the first winning season for 30 years so it's like this year i want to do it again no so we're not going to do the podcast this year so i'm like all right i'm going to be clear i'm keen to go back and do the podcast just not on your insane schedule of when you wanted to do it right so uh i go right i i want to go uh i put the shout out again the universe didn't come back to me as much this time but so i decide a certain match i go right that's the match i want to go and see before before anything gets too busy with the Comedy Festival and all that sort of stuff. I decide to get that date.

I know someone through the podcast, Russell Howard, big UK comedian. Yes, I've interviewed him. He's a big Liverpool fan. Yes. Right. Really doesn't like Jordan Henderson. Oh, doesn't he? No.

We had a very intense conversation about that one when he was on the show once. Right. So when we saw the match last year, we went for drinks with him afterwards. So I texted him this year and went a week or two ago and said, are you going to be up there for drinks afterwards? And he rings me immediately

which I'm shocked by because I don't know him that well. He rings me immediately and goes, I'm in London for that match. Do you want two free tickets? Yes, please. Yes, I'm in London for that match. Do you want two free tickets? Yes, please. Yes, I do. Thank you, Russell Howard, UK international superstar. Wow.

Who cares about international superstar? He's got tickets. That's my own personal feeling about him now. He's an international superstar in my heart. So he's given me two tickets and I'm in the, like, what do you call it? Business class, whatever you call it. Oh, like in the Carlsberg Lounge? In the lounge, yeah.

I'm in the lounge for dinner and drinks. Oh, no, the proper, yes. Yeah, all that sort of stuff. Wow. I haven't had a drink since December 31. I've been like, I'm off it, you know, for as long as I can this year. It's like, wow, my first drink's now going to be at Antwerp. You're going to break it down.

Yeah, yeah. But, so here's the thing. So that's all very exciting. That's the best part of this story oh now you're going to move on to the less good part well less good's always more interesting okay that's all happy we're all smiling yeah let's get to something more what's happened i i i'm all good for that i'm all good for the big tuesday night game uh at anfield liverpool versus westham coming up it's going to be you're good you're going to this weekend's game yes this weekend's game

it's happening in a few days it's on the Monday night the big Tuesday sorry Monday night they shifted see that's what I found out are you serious

wait wait wait what how do we the big Tuesday night game in my head the big Tuesday night game it's not on Tuesday night it's on Monday Carl it is

what does that mean that means I thought I was getting in with plenty of time flying in to London with plenty of time I'm landing on the Monday

at 12.30pm oof to get up to Liverpool in time once I get out of Heathrow if I straight on the train

to Liverpool if I give myself an hour to get out of Heathrow and then get on the train, it drops me off in Liverpool at 5.30 for a 7.30 kick-off. Hospitality lounge starts at 5.30 or 6 or something like that. Also, that's conditional on two flights, Melbourne to Doha, Doha to London.

But you've bought a ticket on those flights, so you're definitely going to get on there. What if they're delayed? I'm on standby. I'm on standby. What? What? What do you mean you're on standby?

I'm on standby. I'm on standby. You're on standby? Yeah. Sorry, for which flight? For both international flights. For both? What do you mean you're on standby?

Why? It's how I live my life. What does this mean? What does a standby mean? It means he doesn't have a seat. It means he's not going. It means if there's enough room on the plane. Is this a tight ass thing?

This is a special relationship thing. This is like a Russell Howard thing, but with my wife, who may work for an airline. Oh. Yeah. So that's why you're... Okay, okay. There's got to be a way you can upgrade

from standby to... There'll be empty seats. No one's flying. It's coronavirus. There's got to be empty seats. That's the positive of this month. Thank God for coronavirus.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So hopefully it's looking good. Yeah, so it's always on standby and if there's seats on both of those planes, then you're okay. And there's no delays. Yes.

And then there's no delays with the three different changes I have to have on the train from London to Liverpool. Oh, my God. Then I've got at least 15 minutes to get in a taxi and go to the game. And with all your luggage. And have you... Will you have any luggage?

Well, I've cancelled the plans of having any luggage. Yeah, don't tell me. How long are you over there? I'm just going to put a spare shirt in my back pocket. This is ridiculous. Wait, why don't you get an earlier flight and get on the standby on an earlier flight? Because there's absolutely no room on those flights.

This is... There's a chance on Sunday night. On Saturday night, there's no chance. Okay. Can you, through your contacts, figure out the status of the flight at the moment? Because we'll take the tickets. No, no the moment. Because you'll take the tickets. No, no, no.

Because you'll actually buy some flights. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, we'll let you on the go. You said you had two tickets, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, because if you know that that flight's only 50% sold or something, then you can relax. This is the frustrating thing.

So, how about I could call up the airline and be like, hi, I would like to book 50 tickets for me and my family yeah and see if they're available yeah well if you want to pull if you want to pull a twenty thousand dollar prank on me you go this just reminds me of telstra days yeah yeah yeah but look this is the this is the thing i can't get into my head either because my contact in the airline. Yeah. Is your wife? Who knows who it could be? Well, clearly you wouldn't know. So they or she tends to have access to a certain bit of like a certain program, which is like it gives you like basically a green light or an orange light or a red light, I think.

Your chances of making it. When you say a program, you mean like a computer program. Yeah. That tells you about the status of the flight. Yes, but it doesn't say like exactly how many seats. Right. So you don't know if that green light's got a bit of orange in it. Exactly. Right.

Exactly. So I've had way too many, and Tommy will testify to this, I've had way too many times where it's been like 24 hours out. Yeah, you're absolutely fine. This is green. And then all of a sudden, they've decided not to have oranges on this traffic light. And then the next night, you get there and it's as red

as can be. Why don't you just buy it? That's what I... Why is it... This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You've been given this amazing ticket through international superstar Russell Howard. Is it so outside the realm of possibility? You're doing well. But this is amazing.

Why? This is also an amazing opportunity to save money. True. How much do you pay for the standby? Nothing or something? Something. Like what percentage are we talking? You're paying taxes.

You pay the tax, don't you? So it's like 10% basically. Okay, look. So that's... Can I just say this? Yes. Carrie did not go down to $35,000 a year so that you could try to save money on this flight.

Look, it's Sunday night. My thinking is coronavirus. Also, Sunday's off, isn't it? It's only kicking off now as well. Is this really a factor when you're flying to the UK? Yes. People are flying less. What do you call the health department?

So how bad is coronavirus? Is it getting worse? Oh, yes. Spread some information about it in the health department? So how bad is coronavirus? Is it getting worse? Oh, yeah. Spread some information about it in the next 24 hours. Yeah. Ground flights. Imagine if he's locked on the plane. If only I knew someone that had access to a news outlet.

Hey, not in time for you, buddy. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Shando trapped on that plane like that cruise ship in Japan. She's there for like weeks. I want you trapped on a plane. Oh, you like flying, do you? That plane, like that cruise ship in Japan, which is there for like weeks. I want you trapped on a plane. Oh, you like flying, do you? The thing about this is,

I know the airline you're talking about. It's less expensive than the others. It's not even that expensive. Hey, look, shout out to whatever airline that is that someone that I know could work for. They offer fantastic deals. Exactly. I just think you should. They offer fantastic deals. Exactly. I just think you should take advantage

of those deals and make sure you get there. Yeah, look, that's a fair point but... If you go to the airport

tomorrow night, so we're recording this the day before you would leave because we've made that clear. Yes. And by the time this goes out, we'll know

whether I've flown 24 hours to sit in a car park and see people stream out of a stadium or not. Yeah, people might be able to see. That's my question. If you're at the airport and you don't get onto that flight, are you going to bother or no? You're just going to turn around and come home?

Which flight? The flight to... Which one? To London or from Doha to London? Well, I guess either of them. If you're at Melbourne Airport and you can't get on that flight from Melbourne Airport, are you still going to...

Because you won't make the games. I can't unless there's... Like I'm telling you, if everything goes to plan, I've got 15 minutes to play with. Also, the tickets, they're just electronic, so that's not a problem. You don't need to collect a ticket on the way.

No, no, I'm fine with that. Okay. Yeah. And what about bags? If you have a backpack, that's cool. You can take that in. Well, yeah, hopefully. I mean, hopefully you're allowed to bring a backpack into it.

Because I won't be able to go to a hotel first or anything. I wouldn't bring a backpack. Fuck. Yeah. Really? Don't bring a backpack. Just travel internationally with nothing. I can't.

Yeah, go hard. All nothing. I can't. Yeah, go hard. All right. Well, look, I can't remember. So I'm just going to get on the plane in shorts in Melbourne. You're going to look

like a terrorist. Hey, you've saved enough money on the flight. Buy a fucking backpack there after the game. Exactly.

Buy clothes. I like the idea of him just wandering up to the gate. No backpack, just all the clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rambling them in his arms. Wearing everything. Because also me I like the idea of him just wandering up to the gate, no backpack, just all the clothes. Graveling them in his arms.

Because also me getting off at Heathrow is going to be me carrying clothes going, so you're here for, how long are you in England for? 24 hours and you haven't brought anything. Everything seems fine. The homeless international traveller. Do you know what? I'll get back to you about the backpack. Right.

I can't remember if you're allowed to or not. But if there's a risk, you should just not. Just go with nothing. You mean take it into the stadium? The stadium, yeah. Well, at the very least, there's always like a separate, typically... That's an extra ten minutes. Yeah, there's a separate line that you have to get your bag searched at.

But if I'm going in the lounge, surely there's a lounge access or something where if you're good enough to go in and get free drinks, free dinner, you're a lounge access, you're allowed a fucking backpack, surely. Yeah, maybe. You might be allowed it, but it might take you longer to get in because you'll have to stand in a separate line

to get it searched before you go in. Have you got the ticket on your phone? Yes. Can I have a look at it? And secondly, what do you actually want in your backpack? Because you could probably wear all that stuff and put it in your pockets.

So what would you have in your backpack? Why don't you just go to the Liverpool store and buy all your clothes? Well, I'm also on a plane for 24 hours, and then I'm on a train for like six hours. It's on my laptop, actually. So I'd like a change of clothes even for the plane. Just pass me my phone. Well, why don't you...

Yeah, okay, fair enough. I just want to know, does your ticket look like this? Okay. Have you got it as your screensaver by the way?

No, but in my wallet I've just kept it. Right, okay. Does your ticket look like that? I don't have an iWallet so I

haven't added it to it so it doesn't look like that. I'm going to go to Officeworks this afternoon and just print it.

Oh my god. Every single step of this is infuriating. So when are you supposed to leave? Like today? Tomorrow? Tomorrow.

I need to see a ticket. It's so ridiculous. Because it's possible I've been in the place you're going. Right. And do you remember

seeing a backpack? That's what I'm desperately trying to remember. So the last time I Because surely that's one of your You've got videos and stuff.

Yeah, but... You go and scan the videos for signs of a backpack. Wait, please enhance. Have you got any backpack detecting technology on your phone? The last time I went... I've only been twice. The last time I went, I was in Belfast. You went to the wrong stadium, buddy.

I'm sorry. Yes. No, I was in Belfast. You went to the wrong stadium, buddy. I'm sorry. Yes. No, I was in, well, before that I went to Old Trafford and that really was going to the wrong stadium. But no, I went to, we're in Belfast. I was there for the project and it was me and a producer who is a Liverpool supporter. We caught the plane from Belfast to Liverpool

and went to the game and flew back. And I can't remember whether or not she had a backpack. Right. But she might remember. So I can't remember whether or not she had a backpack. Right. But she might remember. So I'm going to – I took nothing, but that was a very deliberate decision. I find it weird for you to fly from Belfast to Liverpool to go and see your favourite club and the backpack doesn't stick out in your mind. It's one of the great memories.

I know. Well, it wasn't mine. Right. Someone else's backpack. So if it was my backpack, I'd be all over it. This is the sacred backpack that I took to Liverpool. I remember being weighed down backwards a little bit when I was watching a game.

But I also remember we got there really early, we went to the store, we were there for ages, and you get one of those plastic bags. The plastic bags are clear, which makes me wonder about the backpack. It's got to be clear for a reason, right? They want to be able to see what's in the thing. Yes.

And especially you looking like you. Yeah, exactly. They're probably not a big fan. Although, do you know what? I went to the prayer room at Anfield. Oh, wow. So there you go. Okay, great.

Yes, I've conquered Anfield. I feel like I need to go to the prayer room at the airport. Yeah, you must. Okay, basically in your backpack, you just want to change your clothes and toothbrush and yeah you can buy a toothbrush toothpaste there yep so what else i can put them in my pocket okay so how about this you get on board the international flight with a plastic just a woolly's bag with a change of plastic backpack can yeah so you what you're wearing is just like disposable quality um sleeping clothes but i've also got to be dressed nice enough to get into this lounge.

No, no, I'm just saying to board the plane. You take the change in a Woolies bag. So then your actual, once you finish the flight, you get changed in the plane toilet into your good clothes. Also, a shout out at the moment to everyone who's feeling really tense for me that's listening to this, because I know you're out there. This is somehow stupider than what Kappa did. At least he had

nice clothes on for the entire flight. They sent a comedian all the way to the UK. He had to wear like a tuxedo and make up and straight hair. Well, he would have gotten the lounge. Yeah, exactly. No delays for him. Why don't you just like dispose your plane clothes

once you land and then you're wearing your new set of clothes. What else do you need in your backpack? Phone charger? Put that in your jacket? Well, here's the other thing. Here's another little fly in the ointment of that plan, is that I'm hoping, not only am I hoping to get on that first flight,

I'm hoping to get business class. I'm on standby for that. You're just greedy now. Yeah, yeah, really. If you pull this off, that is like, that would be an absolute. If your greed leads to the point where you end up with nothing, it's going to be a great morality tale. Yeah, yeah, this is a good fable, isn't it?

Yeah, it is. This is something to read my daughter when she grows up. Yes, that's exactly right. Wow. Until I've said all of this out loud, now I'm really stressed. You're about to fly across the world. I thought this was fine, and now I'm a ball of stress just buy

can we just chip it just buy a flight for tonight just buy one of those seats that I think it's full I think it's like it's Saturday now I think it's full

that's the point it's also a little more exciting if he if he goes to to Tullamarine it is look this is this is going to be

the most excited of like to go all that way to travel like 22, 24 hours, whatever it is, then a four-hour train trip, then a taxi, and then I haven't had a drink for two months, and then I hit the hospitality lounge. Oh, no, this is bad because you've lost all your piss fitness. Exactly. You guys wouldn't know this.

You get in the zone. I've heard about it. Yeah. Two, three months off, you are going to be absolutely white girl. And then... What? White girl wasted.

You know, who we met at the bar the other night. Yeah, yeah. And then on top of that, and this is the bit that maybe will not mean as much to you two as it will to Tommy, I've got two tickets and I've offered the other ticket to a friend of the show, Ray Badron. Ah, really?

Yeah. So he's going to be a lot of trouble as well. Oh, is he like Milan level trouble? Yeah, yeah. Yep. As long as someone else is paying for it. And you're going to be jet lagged. Yes.

Yep. Hey, you know what? That's the least of his worries. Right, okay. Not worrying about like getting into Liverpool an hour after the game has finished and being like, oh, I'm a little bit woozy at the moment. Yeah, no, I understand that. And there shouldn't be much traffic getting to a 55,000-seater stadium

where there's only one-lane streets to get down to. Yeah, we ended up walking last time. We just couldn't be fucked with cabs. Also, if you don't make it there, you're not going to get this hookup. Like, as if Russell's going to... Well, there'll be other games where he's not going.

The problem is they may not be at times But you just think you're unappreciative. I'm literally there for like 40 hours or something like that. Like this is what's

happening. I'm there. Okay, all right. Come straight home. Let's look at the other end of this. When does the Comedy Festival end?

Midway through April. 20th of April or so. Okay, so you've got time after comedy festival. Yeah. But can you get in though? Yeah. They'll be selling, there'll be tickets on those secondary sites

for 5,000 pounds. That's what I've been looking at. That's what I was initially going to buy until I got these. Yeah, that's basically the way I try to do it. Yeah, yeah. To be honest, this is like a free 48-hour trip of your dreams.

It's great. You're not paying anything. If it comes off, no one's denying that. Imagine if you put that, it'd be crazy. Totally. That's like me saying, if I jump off the roof and I fly, this is amazing. At the moment, now that I think about it, it's starting to sound like a silly idea. I'm on standby with gravity

Yeah I think coronavirus Is your best Yeah It's your best hope Yeah hopefully So Hopefully

Well I mean Damn Again this is disappointing You don't have social media Because you'd have a bigger reach Than all of us If you could have done me a favour And put something out there

It would have been great But Get to Twitter account today Hey guys Just thought I'd log on To let you know This coronavirus You know what Me Sunday night Going to Teller Marine Airport I'm putting the face mask on Great, but... Gets a Twitter account today. Hey, guys, just thought I'd log on to let you know this coronavirus... You know what?

Me, Sunday night, going to Teller Marine Airport, I'm putting the face mask on. Yeah. I'm putting the mask on. You've got to do your bit, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. What would you even say, though?

I understand corona's about to peak. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sunday evening through to about Monday, Tuesday afternoon, it's going to be at its worst. Like a weatherman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a corona forker. There's a big Corona front

coming in Sunday night. All right, all right. So next week, by the time this comes out, you can check the socials or you can listen to next week to see what's happened. All right, yeah,

let's wrap it up. Yeah, Nazeem Waleed, thank you so much for joining us. Nazeem, you've got a tour that's on sale. Yes, Adelaide. This comes out Monday, doesn't it?

Yeah, I'm in Adelaide now for the week and then all the cities. So... So Adelaide. This comes out Monday, doesn't it? Yep. I'm in Adelaide now for the week and then all the cities. So Adelaide, Canberra, Brisbane, Melbourne, Perth, Sydney. And it's called? Who's saying that? I don't get it. I don't get it. Do you know, I didn't get it.

When I read it, I didn't get it. I said it. Written down and makes no sense and out loud, just a little bit funny. Slight sense. I had one hour till the deadline. I know. And you asked me and you sent me two options. What was the other one?

Whatever the other option was, I said choose that option. What was that again? It made a lot more sense. You sent it to me. You said, which one? I said option B. And then you came back to me and said, we chose option A. That's right.

I think my manager around the office, they were like, oh, who's saying that? H option A. That's right. I think my manager around the office, they were like, oh, he's saying that. Hilarious. Everyone's laughing. Written down makes no sense. It didn't help. It's a good thing

posters can talk, yeah? And you've got your hour of comedy at the Comedy Festival, of course. No, I'll be spending the Comedy Festival more or less at home

pottering about if you want to drop in. Great. I'll sell tickets if that helps. Let's give out his mobile number. He's trying new material every night, 6.30 till 7.30 on Channel 10. All right, guys.

Thanks very much for joining us and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. This is five minutes later. I just checked my ticket. No backpacks. And they've done it again. They have. You know what?

Let's cross now to Carl at the sports desk for the Bernie report. Right. Okay. Well, I'm just seeing the replay now, the action replay now. He's lined up. That is an absolutely big one. Wow. That is a – that's sweet off the boot.

It even sounded nice coming off the boot. So you know it's going to be a big one when it sounds like that. And then you just, there's almost no need to look up at the follow through. You just go, you're still following through. You're looking at the ground. You're looking at your boot and you're going, that's a big one. So you'd say he's kicked a big one, Bernie? Yeah, I think we had the wind.

All right. That was a big one, Bernie. Well, thanks for that, chompers. Yeah. Yeah, I was, like I said at the top of the episode uh i don't really i i think i've met waleed like once in passing very briefly i don't know him at all pretty nervous about this yeah uh having nazeem in the mix they're old friends that certainly put me at ease a little bit that was a tactic you never know what someone like that

who doesn't really know us or the show is going to be like there was a chance of him being a bit you know possibly reserved or not sort of getting in the vibe of it but uh great guest no of course yeah i don't know him that well from as we've talked about on the on the project i do work there one one or two days a week um and have for a long time but like we said not our paths don't cross that very much. So it's really only been after I found out. I didn't ask him about this, but I heard for a long time he, sometimes Liverpool matches, depending on what time of the year, would be on like maybe seven in the morning.

And he would like invite people from the project to come and watch them at his house. Ah, right. And I was always like, fucking, this should be a thing I get an invite to. I didn't bring it up. But yeah, so that's the sort of thing I had to talk to him in the office about. And now I know him enough to be able to ask him to be on the show. Yes. But still not that much more than you.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's, yeah, man, that was a bumper. So we'll try and keep this as – Don't even bother saying it. As some great men once said. Don't bother saying it. You know what I'm trying to say.

I won't say it. I won't say it, but you know what I'm thinking. Yeah. Hey, look, let's – all right, two things I want to say right now. That is we do do a lot of plugging of the future podcast coming up, the 500th episode, the two Melbourne ones that aren't sold out yet as well, that are all in April. But our solo shows, guys, get onto them.

Tommy Daslow in? Meatball. And that dates? March 25th till April 19th, 7.30 at the Cooper's Inn. And, of course, that's in Melbourne. Yep. And my show is called please call me Carl

Mr Comedy was my father thank you brackets this will be bad look the brackets meant that you weren't supposed to read that out oh is that what brackets mean yeah yeah yeah

I'm supposed to read that out they're like the thought balloon yeah that's that's your review that's not that's not the title oh okay right right so they're the brackets you read out of your head.

Right. My show is called that, except for the brackets bit. And it is on, I don't even know what the dates are, but if you go to littledumbdumbclub.com. That should be in the brackets. Yeah. I don't even know when the fuck this is. No, the brackets should be taken off that, actually, so I'll know.

Actually, you know what the dates are? I've got it in front of me. It's April 4 and then April 6 to 19 with no breaks. Nice. So there's like 12 or 13, 14 shows or whatever it is. Opening night, then a little day off. Yep. To dream it all up again.

To retool. And then a big old marathon sesh to the finish line. Yeah, that's like a, you know, you do a lap to warm up and then you stop. You have a bit of a stretch and then you go full power. Yep. Yep, that's like a, you know, you do a lap to warm up and then you stop. You have a bit of a stretch and then you go full power. Yep. Yep, that's what that is. Actually, that April 4 is, as we've talked about on the show a few times, that's on the Saturday. So that means you can go and see an afternoon live podcast of ours at 4 p.m. on a Saturday.

Then you can see my show at 5.30 and you can roll on and see Tommy Daslow's show at 8.20 or something after that. 7.30. 7.30. Okay, close enough. Not really close at all. Close in the grand scheme of the great history of time. If you get there at 8.20, you won't have missed the entire show. So, probably a good time.

So, sorry? Some more brackets work there. Some more brackets. So, there's that. So, I just want to get that clear. But also, let's debrief about this. You're all on the edge of your seats about this Liverpool trip of mine. Yep.

About this harebrained scheme I've got. We're recording this straight after the real episode, so I haven't gone or fucked anything yet. So it's a good feeling. Now, what we didn't talk about is on the way back. So if that all goes to plan i i then have to uh what so i'm watching the match on monday night then the next day i have nothing to sort of do and i have to fly out at like 6 a.m. the next morning. So, and I fly out of Manchester Airport because that's a bit closer.

So, I have to get up and get a train to Manchester and hang out there for the day or whatever and then get up at like 2 in the morning or something to go and get that flight. Oh. Yeah. Shouldn't it probably, might not actually be that hard though because you'll still probably be pretty jet lagged yeah maybe i mean you're only there you're there for like what 40 hours or something so your body won't and like you get there or like you know or if everything goes to plan you get, go straight to the game, have some beers, piss on with Badrin. So you'll be – I don't think getting up at 2 a.m. will be – maybe won't be that hard at that point.

Who knows? I could be wrong. Right. But the severe damage that you're doing to your body could be a real asset for that early wake-up time. That might pay off then. Yeah. Right. So, yeah, I don't really know. Yeah, I do have to spend a day there with – I mean, I guess it's good.

I guess it's a better thing to not be on the other side of the world for six hours and then fly straight back. So, I do have a day there. I don't have anything to do or anything. See the sights of Manchester. Yeah. I don't really know what to do there. And there's actually no use me asking now because by the time this comes out,

I will be maybe on my way back maybe on maybe not no not really so tuesday night actually i might be as soon as you listen to straight away i might be in manchester so do let me know what to do because i have no idea what to do yeah yes something something like that. Something like that. It'll be like Tuesday afternoon there, I think. So there could still be time. If you happen to know of some incredible tourist destination that maybe stays open a little bit later on weekdays, let Carl know. Yeah.

Well, what do you think about this? So this is my question is I'm going out that early in the morning do you go the airport hotel or do you go good question because then you just write like you're writing off manchester it's a place i've never been yeah like you might as well walk around and have a look see what the fuck it is um but that means you're just tacking on another half hour hour in the morning getting out to the airport. It's hard to say without knowing how far away the Manchester airport is from the centre of the city. I would argue that if your flight is at six,

you're already getting up super early anyway. Yeah. It's like, is that half an hour going to save you anything ultimately? Who cares? Well, I've gone with that idea, yes. Okay, great. I did stew on it for a long time. I thought this was a question.

No, it is. I wondered what your... Am I wrong? No. I wondered what your opinion would be because this is exactly what I sat there thinking for about a day. I was like, do I get an airport hotel or do I just sit in there and go fuck it, whatever? Helped slightly by the fact that airport hotels were all fucking $200 or something stupid.

Wait, so you didn't get the airport hotel? Yeah didn't oh okay right right i thought you were saying you had no no no no no no no no i got i got an inner city one okay good yeah it looks all right um so yeah looking for looking forward to for something to do in manchester or something to look at or whatever but yeah look i agree with you in the end. Like just walk around, have a bit of a look and add half an hour on your trip out there or something. Because it's sort of a bit depressing just that next day is just sort of waking up from your hangover, driving to the airport and waiting.

Yes. More depressing is you don't have a hangover because you don't make the game. You've flown halfway around the world to just walk around Manchester for a couple of hours. Yes. Well, I would say if I don't see the game, it's wrong to say I won't have a hangover because if I miss the game, you think I won't have a hangover? Yeah.

I think I'll absolutely hangover. You just won't come back. Yeah. Kill yourself. Yeah. I won't be looking for anything to do. So this is what I'm doing. So I fly out of Manchester, then go to Doha, then straight back into Adelaide.

Oh, really? Yeah. Come back via Adelaide. Via Adelaide. Brutal. Yeah. I am surprised that you can go direct Manchester to Doha. I'm surprised you can go direct Doha to Adelaide.

Yeah. Yeah, this is a weird... Imagine being in Doha. This is like Kappa. Yeah. Imagine being in Doha and like some sheik walking to the airport and going, oh, Adelaide leaves in five minutes. Maybe I'll go there.

Yeah. The sheik's just going in to stock up on shocks and farmers union yeah i might buy farmers union yeah yep well uh fingers crossed so then imagine that imagine everything goes smoothly and then i get stuck in adelaide that's actually the big malfunction that's the final hurdle yeah because i think i get in there on a thursday night or something and then i have to organize adelaide to melbourne so that's the brutal thing like flying 22 hours whatever it is and it's still only being in adelaide oh any international trip where you've got a brief stop over in like brisbane or whatever yeah it just kills you it's brutal yeah because a lot of especially when you've flown overnight i've done that coming back from Japan before overnight flight stopped off at Gold Coast

and you're fucked because you haven't slept properly on the plane you land at 6am and it's like my god just get me home I can't do this especially

where you do something like you know I know you're flying into Adelaide but you'll like go past Melbourne or something like that and you're just looking at the at the map on the board on the screen

going just fucking just drop us off. When I went to, I don't think, I don't know if I said this on the pod, but when I went to Esperance to jack off that bull a few months ago. It doesn't ring a bell. So I had to fly Melbourne to Perth and then Perth to Esperance, but literally on the flight map, Esperance is like highlighted because it's right on the coast and you do go right over it. And so I had to get to Perth and then I had to wait

for like four and a half hours at Perth Airport. And so just knowing that that was like a whole day ahead of me and seeing that and like Esperance is like basically the only other town in Western Australia, the city in Western Australia, that's highlighted on the flight map. So it's just staring at me the whole flight, just taunting me. And at a certain point can see the plane directly over it like,

fuck, this is so annoying. I just want to hop out. Yeah. Let me out and jerk off a farm. Let me out. I'm frothing here. Yeah. I'm ravenous.

Some huge blue balls directly beneath me at the moment. I've got a big white on. I'm ready to receive it. That's all good stuff. Let's try and keep it tighter. Guys, if you like this show and you like giving back, you know what to do. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. If you go there and you sign up for a small or large donation every month,

you can feel good that you are putting something back into the thing that you love so much, that you love listening to. If you want to be selfish, you're getting extra stuff. Exactly. You're getting a bonus episode. You're getting a bonus magazine. You are getting bonus entry into our private little Facebook group that we have scoops. We have massive scoops.

We have big exclusive scoops. Very, very big and exclusive scoops we have massive scoops exclusive scoops very very big and exclusive scoops once a week at least i reckon um so if you want to enjoy that get into that get into that private membership um chuck some money and of course you get a chance you get your name entered into a sophisticated little piece of machinery called down plan title alternator which every week spits out an undetermined amount of names. I think the highest we read at nearly 10,000 one week, I think. That was a long one.

It's touching on 10,000. I felt like that's – I don't have great records, but I think that was the longest one. Definitely in the top five. It felt like it. It felt like the longest one. Are you going to take the Unplanned Title Alternator with you to Britain? I don it. Yeah. It felt like the longest one. Are you going to take the unplanned title alternator with you to Britain? I don't.

Look, if Anfield doesn't take in a backpack, I dare say they're not going to bring, let in the unplanned title. You could wheel it in, not in a backpack. Well, I'm just going to have to check those tickets. No, it says no UTAs. Ah, right. Well, there you go. Yeah. Yeah.

Like I checked the ticket. Thank God. Yeah. And there's absolutely no reason to do that either. I probably wouldn't need to have any random names there. Sure, but you never know. What if Russell Howard hasn't told you the condition of entry of the tickets? Is security going, tell us five random people right now?

No. No tie. Or a number of people that's up to you. No tie, no UTA, no service. Exactly. Right. Okay. Yeah, look, good service. Exactly. Right. Okay. Yeah, look, good point.

Okay. Well, I'll look into it. All right. Let's get into it. Let's get into it this week. It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon. It is. And we're cooped up in here.

We're making the most of it, reading out names inside. Yep. Inside. We've changed locations. We know the first bit of the show was at my show, my house. And now we're at the Mastabatorium. We're back on your home ground. We broke for lunch.

Yeah, we did. And then we're back here. We saw a listener at our lunch. We did. We did. We had a bit of a lunch. Shout out to the Royston Hotel in Richmond. Yep.

That's Richmond, isn't it? It is Richmond, yeah. It's right over. Great pub. It is great, isn't it? Yeah. I should do more there. It's a truly great classic yeah. That's right. Great pub. It is great, isn't it? Yeah. I should do more there. Truly great classic pub.

It's a good looking pub. Good food. I don't think I've ever drunk there yet. I've been there during the day and I never go there during the night and have a beer. You came and watched the grand final with me. Didn't you have a beer there? Yeah, did I? I think I did.

It seems crazy to come and- Maybe I had one beer there. ... have a grand final event and not have a beer. Yeah, maybe I did. Maybe I- But yeah, but you know what Maybe I had one beer there Go to a grand final event And not have a beer Yeah Maybe I did Maybe But yeah But you know what

I've been off the beers for a while I've been on the vodka sodas Watching my figure Hey very quick bit of follow up From something that got talked about A couple of weeks in a row Just a very small thing Get a load of that fiddle leaf over there

Now would you say That that has been brought back from the dead You know what It's looking pretty healthy isn't it You know what I'm bad at noticing Things like that, but even I can notice that. That is looking way better than what it was. Yep.

It actually is. That's looking upright. Yep. I found out you need to, they get an infection, and if there's like a couple of dead leaves on there, that starts to kill the whole thing. So I took the dead leaves off, and my my, oh my, he is really flourishing. Because my worry was I may as well just chuck it out.

At the point that I was like, you've got to take the dead leaves off. I'm like, that feels like that's pretty much all of them. What's it called? A fiddle leaf. Fiddle leaf. Fiddle leaf, yeah. Right, okay. It's interesting though.

I wish it signed up to this Patreon. Boy, it really warms my heart just looking at it. It used to be a point of shame that people would come in and the first thing they would see is this dead plant in the corner of my house. Man, I'm glad you've got a girlfriend now because you're ready for a baby. If you could do that, absolutely, that's the next step. Immediately. Is that what?

You had a fiddle leaf in your house? Fixed it. Brought it back from the brink of death. And then, don't say a name, just absolutely opened the legs and went, let's go for it. Right. Yeah. That's how it happened. And your boys were like, well, we're ready.

Yeah. We've proven that we can do this. Yeah, because I came all over a plan. That's how I fixed it. Yeah, exactly. Good stuff. Yes. Anyway.

It's a beautiful day outside. Yeah. It's too good to be cooped in here with us. Yeah. Talking like this. Let's get into it. Yeah. Guys, first came to be cooped in here with us. Yeah. Talking like this. Let's get into it. Yeah. Guys, first cap off the rank this week.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Luke Fielding. Hmm. What do you think about that for a name? Sounds like someone was on a sport. Yeah, I was going to say, you're going to get confused with some sporting terminology, aren't you? Because, you know, in the cricket, you could say, what are you doing? Are you batting or are you fielding?

Yeah, I know that. Oh, you do know that? I know that it's a term from sport. Okay. And I know what it involves. You know the context. But that's about where my knowledge runs out. Right.

Yeah. So, you know what batting is as well? Oh, I know what batting is. So, fielding, why do you think it's called fielding? Because you're in the field? Oh, yeah. Does it make sense? Yeah.

Yeah. Have you ever caught a ball before? Yes. In the mouth? No. Yeah, I've caught a ball. Right. I've had a ball thrown at me and I've caught it.

Yeah, nice. Yeah. What do you reckon the highest sporting athletic accomplishment you've ever achieved is? What's the... Oh, that's a good question. What's your high score? What's your record on the field? I used to play tennis at school and I was okay at it.

Yeah. And then I didn't continue with that. Were you okay or do you just think you're okay? Because my now wife, I reckon about five or six years ago, she was like, you know what? We're going to get tennis rackets for Christmas. I was always really good at tennis at school and whatever. And so let's get tennis rackets.

We can play all the time. That'll be good exercise for both of us. I'm like, okay, whatever suits you. I used to play tennis a bit, a little bit at school, and I'm okay at most sports. Sure, let's get out there. So we go out there, and she's been telling me how good she is. And I'm putting them two meters either side of her,

and she's not running for anything. She's like, what are you doing? You're supposed to hit it to where I am so I can hit it. The rule is actually the opposite. That's how you win in tennis. You've got to hit the ball where the person ain't yeah but i don't but now that's unfair that's basically cheating i'm like it's not cheating at all great it's just beating you yeah so is that you or well no well you're talking about two separate things i think i reckon i was pretty good at the time

right i don't think i'd be any good now. Right. I'm not going to say that me playing well then translates to decades on being able to actually pick one up. Absolutely. I think I was. I used to go and get lessons. Like me and a couple of friends, we would go, yeah, once a week and have lessons and then play a game afterwards. Right.

And I was all right. You're all right. Never enough to be like, you know, I'm going to go crazy and do heaps of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was pretty good. Yeah,. And I was all right. You're right. Never enough to be like, you know, I'm going to go crazy and do heaps of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was pretty good. Yeah, right. I was all right. I mean, I was playing it enough, so.

Yeah. Felt like I was all right. I used to play, I'm one of those ones where I played as a kid and I used to play golf as a teenager. So I'm always like, I'm pretty good at these sports, but then if you ever have to do them again, you get exposed very quickly. Well, a friend of mine was talking recently about we should have a day where we go and play. And I ever have to do them again you get exposed very quickly well a friend of mine was talking recently about we should have a day where we go and play and i'm happy to do that i'd be shit ass yeah i know i'd be shit ass yeah but i'd still be up for it yeah it'd be fun

yeah it's fun yeah it's a fun it's one you can get away with mucking around hitting and not if you're bad at tennis that's better than being bad at golf i reckon because if you're bad at tennis, that's better than being bad at golf, I reckon. Because if you're bad at golf, you're wasting a lot of people's time, I reckon. Yeah. Well, just distance-wise, there's so much fucking around. There's people behind you wanting to play through. That's fair. You've lost a ball and someone else has hit the ball 300 meters

and you've fucking hit into woods and then you've got to look for it. There's none of that shit. Just go to the driving range. Yeah. You can be bad at the driving range and it's still fun. You can have a beer at the driving range and sit next to each other and don't ruin anyone. Gossip.

Yeah. Yeah. Talk about the other, the tennis players that aren't with you. Yep. Thanks, Luke. Thanks, Luke. Fielding.

Yeah. Yeah. I think Luke. Fielding. Yeah. I think tennis. I was all right tennis. I was all right golf. Played golf for the first time in about 10 years, a couple of years ago. And I was like, yeah, I think I've been holding on to this as a bit of a fantasy that I'm like a gun golfer. Nah. You asked what my highest accomplishment was in sport.

This isn't technically sport, but I have walked onto the field at the MCG. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Why? I forget the guy's name. He's some ex-cricketer, I believe, and he did this huge walk to raise money for the Fight Cancer Foundation. And he ended it, the last bit he did, he did a lap of the MCG before the Boxing Day Test one year. And so because of my affiliation with the Fight Cancer Foundation, there was like a group of us that like walked out with him.

This is when I was like 14 or something. You were a kid. Yeah, I was a kid. Yeah, right. And my friend was there to like watch the Boxing Day test, and so he sees me come out, and they had someone with a TV camera filming it, and there's this long cord behind the camera, and at one point I tripped over the cord,

and I was like, well, no one will have seen that, and then just immediately text message from my friend, who's like way up in the stands, like, nice trip, fuckhead. I also like that's your greatest sporting achievement. You tripped over on the MCG. Well, where's the most impressive place you've tripped over? Yeah, for sure. No, I've run a lap of the MCG once or twice because a couple of those.

Oh, yeah, what am I talking about? I did a 10K run a year and a half ago where I actually ran onto the mcg oh right that was that one yeah that's a see that's a great bit that's great i know you're not as sport minded as i but to to come in and do a lap of the mcg is pretty fucking good no you don't have to be sport mind still it feels awesome yeah right yeah um yeah that last bit of that 10K run is sick. Yeah. I'm going to try and do it again this year because I think we were in Perth for it last year. Yeah, maybe I'll sign up for it.

I haven't done one of those organized runs for a while. And the lap of the G is good. And also, I'm a much better runner now. So, it would be actually fun to do and see what I can do. I was always a runner with my wife slash girlfriend, and I just had to stay at her speed. So I'd like to see what I could actually do. What you're capable of. Yeah.

Thanks, Luke. Thanks, Luke. Thank you, Patreon subscriber Adam Carter. Ooh. Carter. This is Adam Carter. I think if your name means something else somewhere out there, you'll find out about it. Like Chandler, you tend to find out.

A lot of people go, Chandler from Friends. You can't not find out about stuff like that. There used to be an electrical store in Queensland and maybe a few other states called Chandler's. Oh, yeah. electrical store in Queensland and maybe a few other states called Chandler's. Oh, yeah. As I also know very well, there's a fucking brand of cat litter called Chandler's. Yeah.

You're right. As you know very well. Well, from people fucking handing bags of it to us at gigs. Yes. And I would say that anything called Allsop or whatever, you can't help but find out about that. Or people tell you or you notice it certainly more than you notice something else. If I was Adam Carter, hopefully he knows about this, but there was a band in the 90s.

Oh, it kicked on a bit longer than that. One of my good mates' favorite bands of all time. It was his favorite band of all time. Called Carter the Unstoppable Sex Machine. Oh, yeah yeah carter usm do you ever hear them i've heard i've heard the name probably only from you talking about it right i don't know that i've you could be making this up for all i know right that's a hundred percent of my exposure to them is from you i've got i've got um apple music now so a big part of my usage of that is just going oh maybe i'll go back and find these fucked bands in the 90s that i used to like that i've never listened to in the 20 something years since yep and i remember having a full day of listening to carter usm as it were

yep the two members see this this is a two-. It's a two-piece. So, Carter... And so, what? The Unstoppable Sex... Oh, right. So, I get it. Yeah. So, the two members were... Now, this is what we should be called.

Considering we're a podcast and sort of a bit more closer to like a breakfast radio team or something, we don't have nicknames. You know, some people have tried to give us nicknames or whatever, but we don't really have nicknames, do we? Like, it's still Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy and Carl. It's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In terms of the branding of the show.

We've got Sperman everywhere. Yeah. We've got Meatball. We've got Chando. We've got Chang and all that stuff. But yeah. Yeah, that stuff. The two members of Carter USM are Fruit Bat and Jim Bob.

Okay. Yeah. So we should be more like that. But they're... Neither of them are called Carter. And neither of them is an unstoppable sex machine? I think maybe one of them... I think maybe that was the nickname of one of them.

Okay. I think. Right. I think it was classic one of those like us. like people say why is it a little dumb and cock oh honestly we were just that was one of the things we were saying at the time yeah we were so i remember we were saying calling each other little dum-dums at the time yeah just just one of those things and so i think it's i think it's like i think one of them got nicknamed that. And it's like, let's make a band. And then it's like haunted forever by this fucked name.

Fuck. Well, I imagine a lot of band names are like that too. Yeah. I don't know. We just thought it up. Yeah. You'd have to be, I mean, Pearl Jam. Have we talked about that?

Pearl Jam. Yeah. Being haunted by that for their life. Especially when you're trying to do serious music and then you've called yourself Up The Bum No Babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah. Yeah.

But I would hope that Adam Carter, at least, if not into that band, is now into them after hearing that. Yeah, okay. Yeah. This could be, I mean, this could really be a case of chipping in for the Patreon really paying off. What if he listens to these guys and he goes, this is my new favourite band?

Well, exactly. Like, I've noticed on social medias over the years the u.s comedian patten oswald yeah he's like oh i love mike patton it's like i reckon you like him because that's your name yeah okay it's not a common name so you can't help it be drawn at the very least to be like who's this guy what's this about yes because Yes. Because that's my name. That's his name. Yep. My natural inclination is to like this guy because he sounds like me. But it's sort of weird because it's his surname. Yeah. Like, it's kind of, it's similar, but it's kind of different enough.

Yeah. To feel like this guy is exactly the same as me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's enough to give him a chance, I reckon. Yeah. So, let us know, Adam Carter, if you've never heard them, have a go and report back to us. And Patton Oswalt, if you're listening,

let us know if you're actually a Mike Patton or if you're a fake fan. Yeah. And Mike Patton, let us know if you like Carter, the Unstoppable Sex Machine as well. Yes, great. Yeah. Hopefully we can get answers to all of this in the next week. Within the week. Within the week, hopefully.

Thanks, Adam. Any further thoughts on the name Adam? No. get answers to all of this yeah yeah within the week within the week hopefully uh thanks adam any any any further thoughts on the name adam uh no nothing to say really yeah pretty long line uh stock stock sort of a stock delivery of a name it's fine yep wouldn't wouldn't call my kid it but it's fine happy for it to be out there. Yep. The original name, of course. The first name ever. So if they pulled out the first ever, I'm playing title alternator, they'd have only done two that week, and Adam would have been in there. Yep.

Yep. Great. Cool. Snake comedy. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Patrick. Oh, fuck. What the hell? This will be good. What the hell's happening here? Comedy. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Patrick. Oh, fuck. What the hell?

This will be good. What the hell's happening here? Well, I just... Stumbled. I stumbled. Stumbled the first hurdle. I know, because I just saw the surname, and I'm like, this is going to be interesting. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Patrick, which I like.

Yep. Patrick Doswell. Doswell? Yeah. Don't mind this at all. What do you think about that? Very close to Patrick Doswell. Doswell? Yeah. Don't mind this at all. What do you think about that? Very close to Patrick Doswell. Yeah.

Yeah, which I like. I'm sure that's the first time he's heard that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, well, look, it's the first time I've ever heard of this name, and I'm sure a lot of listeners are the same. Doswell. I didn't even know it was a name. I like it.

A lot going on because I like that he's gone for Patrick Over Pat Yes That's a good move Especially given the surname Does well Yeah Never heard it

You can have a lot of fun with it As you mentioned Does well And it also It rhymes with Roswell Which is a You know

An unexplained In the realm of Kind of unexplained Phenomena kind of thing That I'm very interested in. I love all that kind of shit. It's a location in America. A location in America.

It's a base. Area 51. It's the name of a base where they keep all the Martians. No, well, Roswell's the town. And Area 51 is in Roswell, New Mexico. Just outside of, yeah. Rumoured to, yeah, hold aliens and stuff. Isn't that a bit old?

Like, that's not not even a real conspiracy. People have got over that conspiracy now, haven't they? You never hear it talked about these days, yeah. That's like a thing. Do you remember this? Do you remember in the 90s, I think, they juiced it up that they were going to have an alien autopsy on TV?

Yes. Remember that? I think about that a lot because then they show the footage and it's so shit. And they're like, we think this is actually aliens. Well, again, every now and then this comes up, an event that we both remember that really signifies the decade age gap between you and me. I was all the way in.

I was young enough that I was hook, line and sinker. Just like, oh my God, this is it. They've done it. You mad bastards. You, yeah, yeah. Just like, oh my God, this is it. Yep. They've done it. Yep. You mad bastards. You've actually done it. Yep. No, look, as another man once said, I want to believe.

You know, it was on TV and I was like, here we go. And then you see it and go, oh, that's a shame. You know what I want to re-watch? And you probably will remember this TV show. We were talking... No, I wouldn't have been on air, but you've got Amazon Prime recently. Yeah. And I was looking around Amazon Prime the other day.

You know what's on there that I want to re-watch all of? What? It's just bizarre that it's on a streaming service. Did you ever used to watch the show Unsolved Mysteries? Yeah. All of that is on Amazon Prime. You know what is i did watch a bit of that but what i used to sort of not be obsessed obsession is a strong word but it was this show but way before that so older listeners might know this one it used to get

repeated it wasn't a new show when i watched it but it would be repeated in all sorts of bizarre times so it'd be a show where i would literally scour the TV listings to find it. To catch it every week. And it'd be like, sometimes it'd be on at 6am and I'm like, fuck it, I'm getting up to watch it. Great. It was a show called In Search Of. And it was hosted by Leonard Nimoy. Oh, yeah.

I think I might have seen one or two eps of that. That does kind of ring a bell. I'm sure it's on YouTube. Yeah, I think I might have seen one or two eps of that. That does kind of ring a bell. I'm sure it's on YouTube. Yeah, yeah. But it was like, you know how these days the internet's just full of conspiracies and full of all these fucking idiots saying this is what's happened, that's what's happened, whatever. None of that. You couldn't get access to any of that shit back then.

This was like the one show on TV where you could find anything about aliens or like anyone treating that sort of stuff seriously. Yeah. anything about aliens or like anyone treating that sort of stuff seriously yep that was mr spock himself uh narrating stuff on fucking the loch ness monster yeah right the bermuda triangle sick whatever happened to the bermuda triangle they're still going bermuda triangles in the same realm as roswell where we all kind of got over it yeah you know what i think it is i think i hate to say it but the rise of podcasts and specifically true crime, that's taken everyone's focus away from the – we're too busy trying to catch –

trying to bring Robert Durst from the jinx to justice. Right. And all these kinds of actual, brutal murders of real people. We've lost interest in the Roswells and the Bermuda Triangles because we've realised we're never going to get answers about it. Well, I think more stuff like the internet, all the technology we have now immediately dismisses all this stuff as absolute bullshit. So it's like, oh, damn. Because back then you had no proof of anything.

And you're like, well, ghosts could be real. The Loch Ness Monster could be real. It's like you could use one second of Google to go, that's impossible. You know what the actual modern day equivalent of like Roswell and and like bermuda triangle is jeffrey epstein right it's like yeah yeah if you read up it's like no man they had him killed they absolutely had him killed but it's like we'll never you're right there's a cover-up we'll never find out you'll never know for sure yeah russia all that stuff no you're right you're dead right that's what it is. Jeffrey Epstein is the modern Bermuda Triangle. Yeah.

Bring back. I want to know about the Bermuda. So is that just fine now? Has that been declared a safe area? I don't know. I haven't heard any ships being disappeared into the Bermuda Triangle for a long time. I was talking to someone the other day about the Bermuda Triangle ride that they had at SeaWorld. And I believe still do at sea world on the gold coast in

australia and i was looking up stuff about it about a year ago and i found on youtube someone's like bootlegged the ride in terms of like they've just gotten a camcorder yeah great and just filmed them set and like i actually i chucked it up on the tv turned all the lights off and was like honestly this does take me right back this does feel like i'm because I went on that ride when I was like 10 or whatever. Right. So just watching it on the TV going, honestly, this is fucking sick. Oh, wow. I'm so glad that this person did a dodgy like cam rip.

Next time. Like version of this ride. After this show, get it on the TV and watch it and I'll sit behind you and just kick the couch. Oh, yeah, great. Yeah. Yeah, you'd have to like spit some water in my face because it was like a log flume ride kind of thing. Easy.

Done. Let's do it. Bermuda Triangle. If you've ever been through the Bermuda Triangle and survived, let us know. Next podcast festival. Yeah. I want to know if it's just been fixed, if people just go, no, it's fine now.

We just realized that that was just a bit of water and any bit of water in the middle of the oceans is dangerous. Probably has its fair share of stories, yeah. So if they cured the Bermuda Triangle, let us know. I'd like to know. Thanks, Patrick. Thanks, Patrick. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Hayley Diver.

Ooh. Yeah. Interesting. A good Ronnie James Dio song. Ronnie James Dio. Hayley Diver Oh Yeah Interesting A good Ronnie James Dio song Ronnie James Dio The Ex-lead singer of

Black Sabbath And A solo performer In his own right And he's dead now I believe he is Yeah He might be dead

Do you like him? I like That song Holly Diver I like a couple of his songs I didn't even you like him? I like that song, Holy Diver. I like a couple of his songs. Oh, I didn't even know what it referred to. Yeah, there's a song called Holy Diver. Holy Diver, right. I had to read up about Led Zeppelin, fucking Black Sabbath.

We talked about Black Sabbath the other week. Did we? Yeah, briefly. I think I mentioned how they were supposed to have invented heavy metal, basically. Yes, yes, yes. I remember that. And we had a bit of feedback on the socials. Didn't that kick off on the socials?

But that's just how it happened. Of course, when you listen back to it, it's... A few rock dogs. Yeah. A few salty dogs getting even saltier. But, yeah. Man, they're fucking bizarre. Their band history

Is one of the Weirdest band histories Of all time Really I reckon Easy Because I mean A they

Let's say they invented Heavy metal So then they got Ozzy Osbourne Obviously the Lead singer So he does what Two three four albums

With them It's like wow What a band Bang You know Then he goes Fuck this Gets out This is back when you know look you know

these days when bands are such big business you wouldn't leave a band unless something really fucked happened this is business back then everything was smaller business bands yep um like the beatles would never have broken up if they knew how much money they were worth they just couldn't be fucked anymore yeah Yeah. They're like, whatever. Yeah. You know. So he just goes, ah, fuck this, gets out, then comes back again two seconds later and then leaves again.

Anyway, they end up getting him, Ronnie James Dio, to be lead singer. And then, you know, there's arguments to be made that black sabbath made you know two three four albums at the start of their career that are the most important albums in rock or metal or whatever it is yep and then they get into the 80s and they just switch lead singers around and make some of the absolute worst albums of all time some of the worst albums of all time switching a lead singer is always a bizarre move. It is. I've got to say, and like, look, you know, the odds are high that some people that listen to this went to this concert.

I mean, good for you if you enjoy it, but I jogged past a group of people all lining up to go into the Queen with Adam Lambert show the other day. Yeah. And I don't get it. You don't get it? I absolutely don't get it. You don't get it. I absolutely don't get it. I was tempted to go.

I was a big Queen fan as a kid. I was tempted to go, but I couldn't quite justify it given... Because it's like you're not... You're kind of not seeing Queen. I don't know. Yeah. I guess maybe if I was like a bigger Queen head, then I probably would be one of those people like justifying it to myself.

But also seeing like a lot of media being like freaking out like radio shows and stuff going oh my god this is amazing we've got adam lambert from queen in the studio today i'm losing my mind it's like well i mean i don't know yeah it seems a bit weird to me i did watch a bit of it on the on the bushfire appeal bit and went oh you know i still someone offered me a ticket like a full price ticket and i was thinking maybe i should go because i do i did love queen when i was a kid and i can still definitely listen to them and all that sort of stuff and then i watched that and went nah i would say that they are in the pantheon of bands now where you're probably going to have a better time just going to a cover band version

yeah look that's a very guy that's just fully. Yeah, look, that's a very good point. A guy that's just fully Freddie-ing it up. Yeah, that's a very good point. He'd be better off seeing it at the corner, small venue, a guy who's committing to the performance of the character. You know, I have thought of that more than once, of seeing a Queen cover band. I haven't seen them and I'd like to

because someone really trying to sound like Freddie, someone trying to look like Freddie, people being really into it, paying fucking $40 instead of $300 yep yep yeah i wouldn't mind going i went we've talked about this every now and then on the pod but i go to the meredith music festival every year in uh country victoria it's camp music festival you camp for three nights two nights uh and a lot of it's kind of a smaller festival so it's more sort of like i guess obscure-ish kind of a smaller festival, so it's more sort of like, I guess, obscure-ish kind of bands. But this really sticks out as a booking decision

that they had one year that I went. They had a Queen cover band. Sorry, a Kiss cover band. Right. Kiss Troyer played. Very, like, stuck out like a sore thumb on that year's line-up and on every line-up that they've ever done. Yeah.

But fuck me, it was good stuff. Yeah, I bet. Just being in the bush, they had like flames going off and stuff and just everyone in the crowd going, let's all just pretend that we're literally watching Kiss right now. Yeah, yeah. It was so fucking good. Yeah.

And I wish they did. Every festival should just have a good cover band in the mix every year. Yeah, yeah. You're not going to be able to afford to get them to play. It's a nice little um what would you call it sorbet you know you've seen all these serious bands and you know it's like yeah i like them and they're all taking themselves very seriously and that sort of stuff you got a bit of everything and then it's like let's just fucking do a big fart now you know let's just especially

with any like um music festival that's trying to have a very curated and kind of like sort of like borderline snooty like music aficionado line-up. And that's all well and good, but then you always find that like the music that they play in between bands, like one of the biggest reactions of the weekend will be the DJ in between the acts playing Drop It Like It's Hot by Snoop Dogg.

Do you know, it doesn't matter how like kind of inside of music knowledge you try and be. Just the big bangers are what's still going to make people go crazy. Yes. So speaking of Black Sabbath and their terrible descent into the 80s, because there was this seminal band in the 70s and then they went, oh shit, they didn't know what the fuck they were doing in the 80s. I think they didn't know what their place was.

Different lead singers, different. oh shit, they didn't know what the fuck they were doing in the 80s, I think. They didn't know what their place was. Different lead singers, different. They're definitely one of the bands that Spinal Tap based themselves on. Would be quite common for rock in the 80s, I imagine. A lot of stuff getting more electronic.

Yeah, yeah. Dancy, a lot more ballady. So they came back and they made one final album with all the the original line up that they hadn't done since the early 70s but then they fucked it up at the last second and couldn't get the drummer

right one of those infuriating things where it's like the drummer's the least important thing just fucking get him on and then there was something about contractual obligations

or something like that they ended up getting like Soundgarden's drummer and it's like you got the bass player the guitar player the singer just get the fucking drummer right yep it's like no you fucked it

and then they put the album out and then the drummer went okay now i'm ready to do it great fucking idiots anyway um but in between they made some terrible albums and one of the albums it's been rated i remember reading it has been rated as and i personally wrote it as one of the worst album covers of all time oh yep so this is it black sabbath look it up at home i'm going to show you right now black sabbath born again what's your initial reaction it's honestly it's the sort of thing i can see a band today using and people lapping it up. Yeah, right. I can see like if people know this band King Gizzard

and the Lizard Wizard using that as one of their album covers and people being like genius. Right. Absolute genius. Yeah, yeah. But I can see for at the time, yes, definitely. Because what's that? Is that early mid-80s?

I think it's mid-80s. Yeah. Brutal. Yeah. I think I remember reading something about it basically being either done in two seconds or

or someone not even signing off on it properly just going what the fuck is this yeah yeah yeah and yeah that was the first

that album is the first album without Ronnie James D ah right yeah it's um yeah anyway Black Sabbath um Yeah, that album is the first album without Ronnie James Dio as the singer. Yeah. It's – yeah, anyway, Black Sabbath. Well, thanks, Holly Diver.

Thanks, Holly Diver. Here we go. That's right. That's what I was looking for. Here's the info I was looking for. Right. The drummer said, I didn't have any participation in the album cover. When I saw it, I hated it.

Ian Gillan, member of the band, told the press that he vomited when he first saw the picture. Great. Only original member, Tommy Iommi, approved the cover, which has been considered one of the worst album covers ever. The British magazine Kerrang! ranked the cover in second place of the worst album covers of all time, in metal or hard rock, behind only the Scorpions album called Love Drive.

Now, let's album called Love Drive. Now, let's see what Love Drive looks like. Oh, fuck it now. Oh, this is good. That's Love Drive by the Scorpions. Two people in the back of a car, man and a woman dressed up. Yeah. And one man has had his hand on the woman's breast and has taken his hand away, and the breast seems to have melted onto the man's hand.

Or he's got chewing gum on her breast. Yeah, yeah. That's terrible. That truly is terrible. That is insane. That other one I actually don't mind too much, but that is just pitiful stuff. That's insane.

I don't even know what it's supposed to be. Yeah. It's called Love Drive, and her boob or his hand is melted. The fuck is going on there? Yeah, I think the boob's melted because he looks kind of... He looks like he's into it though. But he's surprised. He wasn't expecting it.

If it was his hand, I don't know. He looks like he's into it. I don't know. He's into a melted boob. Thanks, Holly. Thanks, Holly. All right. Let's do one more. One more Thanks, Holly. Thanks, Holly. All right. Let's do one more.

One more? I've got to go to the airport soon. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Okay. What? Well, it's just a... It's just a...

I don't know if we've had this before, but it just reminds me of something we said earlier. That's all. Okay, look. It's not just me explaining it, I guess. I just say it and you make your mind up, I guess. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Bermuda Comedy. Wow.

So that's where... Laughs disappear. Yeah. That's where all the funny from Talking Dumb Dumb this week went into. Small charted flight. Yeah. Never heard from again. That's what, yeah, right, okay.

One of life's great unsolved mysteries. Yeah, in search of a better segment. All right, guys, thanks very much for contributing to the podcast. We really appreciate it. Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club, and you can sign up and get extra little rewards every month. Thanks very much for listening. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the tickets to our solo shows

and the upcoming live podcast that we have, including the big 500th episode. Can I say this right at the end of the show? There's a bit of breaking news. We're not a big news breaker on this show, but we've been talking about how I haven't had a drink for two months, so I'm going to break my duck at Anfield in a couple of days. We'd mentioned a couple of weeks ago that a friend of the show

and an icon of alcohol everywhere, Milan, has been off the grogs for over three months. I've just got a message of him with multiple empty vessels. He is absolutely back on it. He's back, baby. He's back. Or is it he? You said he's back, baby. I've got a picture in front of me with a drained pint glass with the caption, I's back, baby. He's back. Or is it he? You said he's back, baby.

I've got a picture in front of me with a drained pint glass with the caption, I'm back, cunt. So that's more appropriate in this instance. Yep. Yep. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.