The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 491 - Denise Scott & Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: March 3, 2020

Alright folks, here's the thrilling conclusion to last week's cliffhanger. We've got DAVE O'NEIL and DENISE SCOTT in the mix, and after we briefly apologise to Denise for being so grotty last time she was on, and hear about Dave's dad's car being stolen, we get straight into Chandler's epic journey to the UK to watch Liverpool play. Did he make it in time for the game? What did he wear? Did he bring a bag? What does his wife think of all this? All these questions and more are answered in this action-packed episode.ADELAIDE! We're back. Sort of. Doing our solo shows back-to-back. March 14, 2pm.BRISBANE! A huge live podcast and our solo shows. March 15, 1.30pm.MELBOURNE! Our 500th episode is on sale. It's going to be massive. April 25, 2020. 8:30pm.We've also got two smaller shows on in the lead up. April 4 & 11. 4pm. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Denise Scott and Dave O'Neill. We have a bunch of live dates coming up. We are in Adelaide March the 14th, then Brisbane March the 15th. Oh, sorry, this is my go. Then Melbourne April the 4th, April the 11th, and then April the 25th at the Athenaeum, the huge 500th episode. Yep, littledumdumclub.com for tickets to all those shows. We will talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb, but until then, enjoy this great new bumper episode

with Denise Scott and Dave O'Neill. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good day, Dickhead. Very exciting show today. Two great guests.

Please welcome back into the... Please, this is our job. Thank you. Oh, yeah. I'm just gone all giggly with the excitement. Please continue, Tommy. We've done this 490-something times, all right? Yeah, okay.

A little bit of respect for the masters of the art. No, it is respect. For me to be giggly at any gig. Yeah, right. For me to show life. For me to show I'm still breathing. Have any interest at all, please. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Dave O'Neill and

Denise Scott. Yes! Hey, poofs. That's my catchphrase, Denise. You may not be aware. You've changed, David. Well, it's funny because in my dad and mum's court in Mitcham, there's a guy, Cal the pilot, the Qantas pilot, big fan of these guys, Denise. So every time I see him, he goes, hey, poofs.

But the other day, I drove around. They had a bit of a street party going on. There were kids running around. They were all sitting in deck chairs. So I drove around and ran out of the window. We both at the same time yelled out, Hey Puffs! To a group of children in a street corner. And all the neighbours were like,

What the hell? I thought the pilot was a nice guy. I reckon there's still a bit of that happening in Mitcham though. Oh definitely, definitely. In the outer suburbs there's still stuff like that going on. Yeah, not the worst thing those kids have heard. No. Dad got his car stolen from out the front. He left the keys in it. Dad got his car stolen from out the front.

He left the keys in it. He took the shopping and came out and goes, and it was gone. He goes, I don't know what happened. I go, I've got a pretty good idea what happened. Are you talking contemporary or ancient past? No, this was like a year, six months ago. Yeah, and then he...

How old was the car? Oh, yeah, it was old. It was a Camry and it was... Was it what? Tried a Camry? Camry. Camry. Oh, Camry? What are they called it was old. It was a Camry. And it was... Was it what? Tired of Camry? Camry. Camry. Camry.

What are they called? Camry. Camry, all right. I'm feeling for you, Dave. I've never... Camry. Camry. It's like, how old are you that you haven't gotten up with the technology of Mitsubishi yet?

Camry's not a new car. Yeah, I know. Well, I don't know how old it was. 10 years old? And then they found it torched. But the police kept saying, oh, we saw your car

the other day, Kev. They'd see it on CCTV and some drug lord was driving it around. It couldn't be too much of a lord if you're still in a Camry. A Camry.

A Camry. A Camry. That's what happens when you drive it down two racks. And they found it torched. Yeah, it got torched. The seats were taken out.

I don't know who'd strip a Camry. So Key's in it while he was taking the shopping in from having done a trip. Yes. Wow. They're 80. I don't know. It's like the crime capital. Right.

That's an opportunistic drug lord. Just walking past. Yeah. Seeing him get out. Noticing. Cal the pilot has CCTVctv and you can see like a dodgy looking car drive around the court and the guy jump out steal kev's car and drive off with you know there was a guy in the passenger seat so obviously drive around looking

for opportunities yeah right unless they followed him there after the camera followed him from the supermarket i see what's going to happen here a lot of groceries there he's going to have his hands full not going to be able to get the we. We wouldn't mind some of that crunchy nut. Sorry, putting the boot there. Crunchy nut. The coal salads and the schnitzels. That's what he eats. Because dad's in charge of the cooking now.

And he's the worst cook ever. I go, what did you have last night? I got a frozen pork pizza from Coles. It wasn't very good. Yeah, really. My parents have a similar thing. because my dad retired about a year ago and my mum's working a lot now, like tutoring a lot, working more than she's ever worked.

So dad's now in charge of dinner. And mum was telling me the other day, she's like, I've had to say to your father, when it comes to getting the dinner ready, you've got to start doing it earlier, okay? I get home at 7, I want dinner on the table ready to go. Too often I'm coming home and we're not eating until 9.30. It's too late at our age. Like, God, you're a queen.

Just fucking put him on notice. I love it. I'm with your mother. Even though she sounds bitchy. I'm with her. John's the same. You come home and it's half past 7. There's nothing going on?

Nothing. Well, he's... He's, like, playing the piano going on? Nothing. Well, he's... He's playing the piano or something? Yeah. Yeah, you know, John. Yeah. And I think, couldn't you have got this organ? And it'll often be quite a complicated situation

he's about to embark on cooking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to make some dough and all that. You're like, oh, no. There's no frozen pork pizzas. No frozen pork pizza from Johnny. I still love the story when you were younger and John came home. Because Johnny's a classic in that he would say,

I'm just going down the shops and then disappear for eight hours, wouldn't he? Yeah, yeah. And then you saw him on the front of the newspaper. What? Leading the local circus parade the next day. That's right. I'd forgotten all about that. That's a great story.

Because I say to my wife, I'm just going to go down the street. I've gone and done a gig and then come back and go, whoa, there was a bit of a traffic jam at Coles. By the way, people at home know this, but this is the bloke who got invited to my wedding in the middle of the wedding. When did a gig? No.

Didn't say anything. Charity gig. You did not. Charity gig. I love how that's always your defence. It's a charity gig. Battered women, I think it was. It was not.

It was. It was chemist's warehouse. No. Chemist's warehouse. I said no to the chemist's warehouse gig to go to Carl's wedding. And then this woman in Mitcham, where I grew up, had this – I'd forgotten I'd booked it in. And everyone had pulled out.

You're still coming to my charity gig? I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll be there. So I just nicked off. I came back and plenty of time for the wedding. That is bizarre. It's brazen. It's rude. It's rude.

It's rude. You're right, Denise. It's very rude. But it is interesting that you lie, I assume, in these circumstances. And this is the thing with John too. He lies. And most people who tell the sort of lies John tells, you assume they're having an affair.

Because that's usually why people usually lie about where they've been and what they're doing. But John, it's always about some circus thing that's gone over time. He's helping someone out. Or, you know, he's rescuing or he's... For people at home, your husband's partner does clowning. Well, no, he doesn't. I've used that term.

He used to. He used to, yeah. He used to do clowning. And now he runs, like, circus workshops and stuff in schools. Okay. There's nothing to say. Except that, yes, well, just yesterday, it was 60th, the 60th birthday party of a friend of ours.

I was asked to do the speech and I don't know whether, and it's very anxiety-inducing, I find, writing speeches for really good friends. You don't want to let them down. So, you know, I put a lot of effort in. And next thing, John's packing his trumpet and ukulele into the car to go to the 60th. Along with all the other 60 clowns that are in the car as well. Like, what are you doing?

Well, why are you? And he said, oh, you know, I'm going to play the trumpet. I said, oh, did Sal want you? Sal, who's 60, I think it was. Oh, the Sal Ann Upton. Yeah. Does Sal want you to play these instruments and stuff? And he went, yeah, gee, yeah, I've spoken to her.

And he made out Sal had rung him, you know, and said, can you? But as I found out, he'd rung her and said, want me to bring my trumpet? And Sal's a lovely friend. Meanwhile, I get up to do the speech that I've actually – look, it's exaggerating to say I've had a panic attack about it, but I'm anxious and I've put a lot of work in. And the microphone just was a bit of feedback.

Not a good room. John jumps up to fix that problem and causes the whole speaker thing to fall, everything to come apart. He's already played me on with a trumpet. What a grey clown. Yeah. That's hilarious. He's a gun.

Anyway, enough. Why didn't you sweat off my brow? The tissue just kept going. It was only on my way here, I swear, that I let myself be angry about that. At the time, everyone loves it. Oh, John! He's done it again. So the story that Dave was talking about,

John disappeared for the better part of a day and then the next day you see him on the front page of the paper leading a circus parade? Yes, yes. And he told me he'd been else. Can you remember where he told me he'd been? No, he said he was just going down the shops. So in his head, the idea of him just saying to you,

I'm going to lead a circus parade, is so disgusting to you that you're going to forbid it? Was he rooting someone within the parade at the time as they're going down the street? Well, that is a good thought. And trust me, you get to a point where you do start checking out the circus mums. Oh, yeah.

They wear a lot of make-up. Cleavage and make-up to the parade. Well, Denise, thank you for doing this. I feel like the last time you were on, we kind of may have scared you off because it was a pretty grotty affair, if I remember. Was it? We've got a few people we need to...

We sort of get bad feedback off. We bring a few people along and then we get feedback that they get a bit scared or they get a bit annoyed or whatever. We had you on a riotous live one and I feel like we got to the end and went, I don't think Denise enjoyed that one very much. Oh, that was the bull semen. Yeah, there's a lot of talk about jacking off a bull.

A lot of ejaculation talk. Which isn't, look, it's not my favourite topic. I could, what are you writing down now? For people at home, Carl is now taking notes like we're in court. I'm just marking your performance. Do you want to put it next to my name? Don't mention

ejecting stories. For future episodes. Not your favourite topic. That's absolutely fair enough. No, but I go along with everything. It's just these days and I know I talk about my age. No, but I go along with everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just these days you know, and I know I talk about my age a bit, but in your 60s you

get a bit like, look, by all means you talk about ejaculation, but I'm not going to engage. No, fair enough. We had a bit of a red-hot period where we brought people into live ones that were a bit much. I think 2020 we need to do a bit of an apology tour. There's a few

people that we need to make amends with for our behavior on the show. I think there's Ursula Carlson. Ursula Carlson's been so good. This is what happens. We bring on big names and then we pair them with like Brett Blake or Nick Capa and they come on and they've like shit in a waterbed or something and then all of a sudden we talk about that for half an hour

and then the big name guests go, why do we want to be associated with this? So that's what happens. So that story that you said, you'd forgotten until Dave brought it up. So this is what I love. So you guys are both Hall of Fame Spics and Specs. Yeah.

Now I know you know how many appearances you've got, 55. So Denise, you'd be up there. You're the second most appearances. You'd be up there somewhere. Isn't this weird that, Dave, you'd know that? No, someone put it on Facebook once. It was me, then you. Yeah, it was you.

You put it on Facebook. Someone counted them. I didn't count them. Oh, sure. You've got a little notebook. How many pins you've done at the Mitchum footy club. I think it was Navo Deal posting it on Facebook. It goes, me, you, Hamish, then Frank.

Right. Well, Hamish would have beat us all because he was very popular. Then he signed to Channel 9. He couldn't go on anymore. Just take the win, mate. Just take the win. Yeah, I'll take the win. But my point being is you've been on the second most.

So you've been a very the second most i mean so you've been a very big favorite on spics and specs which for people i don't know music trivia show what i love is i was working on uh an episode a year ago where you were on it and so you've been on that many times on a music trivia show and people were asking you like oh what can we talk about this time we've had denise on so many times and then you were like oh if we talk about this time? We've had Denise on so many times. And then you were like, oh, have we talked about the time that I made out with the drummer of ACDC? And I was like, no. He's like, how the fuck have you been on a music trivia show 40-something times and you've

never talked about that? I do not know how that happened because I do bring out that story a lot. Oh, you talked about it on Hugh's show. That's where I've heard it. Hugh's been a lot. Oh, you talked about it on Hugh's show. That's where I've heard it. Oh, you know, I've... I was going to say I've slutted that story around, but that's not the word, is it? What's the drummer's name?

Phil... Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Phil Parra? No, no. Phil... Oh, Phil... God.

Something simple. Phil Rudd. Phil Rudd. Phil Ruddovich. He was. And he was the one That was in New Zealand And had all those problems

And was under house arrest No he was up for Attempt to Well Yeah Soliciting to Knock someone off Yeah

So I came that close Yes When I was I was 16 If you hadn't have gone To second base It was fucking Lights out for you

So you haven't You didn't tell it on Spix, but you told it on Hugh's show? Yeah. Eventually it came out. I was going to say. And now I'll tell it on this show. It's the only story I've got. No, it's fine. I just thought it was funny after that many episodes.

Passing the drummer. But it's good because I read in the news the other day, he's back because he got kicked out of the band for a long time. He's back in the band now. So the story's current, because he got kicked out of the band for a long time. He's back in the band now, so the story's current again. Yeah. He's a current band member. And I've thought about going to a concert

and just looking at him, see if there's any recognition at all. Come on, Phil. John will be there next year with his trumpet. Yeah, yeah, John will be up on Sunday, with the kazoo.

Nice. No, same thing. You tell John, you're just going down the shops. You're gone for eight hours. Next day he sees you on the front page of the newspaper bashing on with ACDC. In the schoolgirl outfit, dancing.

So let's talk about this. We did Radio 2 together. Yes, we did. With Sean McAuliffe, me, you and Sean. Yes. How long ago was it? 2004, 2005? Another person we probably have to apologise to. McAuliffe, me, you and Sean. Yes. How long ago was this? 2004? 2005?

Another person we probably have to apologise to. McAuliffe. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you like to be... Everybody has to... I think you should move on from apologising. We all have people we have to apologise to. Yeah, and a lot of people don't remember stuff. Yeah.

So Denise didn't... You didn't remember. Did you remember the last episode? Oh, yeah. Oh, you remember? Okay. All right. All right. No, not really. You don't think about it. We're talking about that stuff and? Are you? Okay. All right.

No, not really. You don't think about it. We're talking about that stuff and it's you on stage. I remember my parents were in the crowd that day. I was like, this is a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Your parents would be used to it by now, though, wouldn't they? Yeah, yeah.

They would have heard all sorts of things. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure. All right. I don't think they like it. I've got a good parent story. Sorry, I feel like... Yeah, go. Well, just speaking of parents, and you never stop.

So last year I was on Dancing with the Stars. Went appallingly. No, anyway. And Craig Revel Horwood is the, in quotation marks, the nasty judge. And it's showbiz stuff. He's a lovely guy. But he was very, particularly, like he scored me a one, called me a hunchback.

Just showbiz. And I was, you know, eliminated from the show. Anyway, so I was at the Billy Elliot opening night musical last week. So the dancing career kicked off. Yeah. Performing or watching? Performing. I play Billy Elliot.

A 12-year-old boy. You're a real Daniel Day-Lewis. And I saw in the distance Craig Revel Horwood, the nasty judge, and I've seen him since. It's all fine. But I thought, well, I won't go out of my way. But he came out of his way to see me and, you know, air kisses like, darling, I've missed you. But no, no, he's a nice guy.

But then he introduced me to his mother. He must be pretty old because Craig's no youngster. And she embraced me and said, I'm so sorry for what my son said to you on television last year. That's nice. So, you know. That's nice. All right, I'll tell mum next time she sees you.

To give me a hug. Public apology. Give me a big hug. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for the cum talk. I'm so sorry my son's obsessed with talking about cum. Oh, boy.

And here we are again, you see. I'm sorry. That's a moratorium. Moratorium on that talk. Carl, have you been overseas? Because even I've been following this. Tommy, that Carl over here is in love with some footy team, soccer. This is what's been happening.

Right. So last week. Didn't you abandon your... Babies? Oh, yeah. Why? Abandon is a strong word. I think abandon...

Anyway. She wouldn't be happy. He went down the shops right out. They weren't shops in Australia. Sorry. Sorry, Carl. So a little bit of backstory. From last week, people are busting to know what happened.

So this was a quick set-up for you guys in case you're not... I mean, you wouldn't even tell me. You're going to have to come to the podcast. We didn't even tell you the least trustworthy person. The biggest gossip going on. The biggest dobber I know. So this is what happened. So what happened is I'm a big fan of Liverpool Football Club.

They haven't won a championship for 30 years. Now, I think I'm brave enough to say at this point they are going to win this year. Now, we made a trip last year. Me and Tommy went over there and did live shows in London to be able to watch matches there, to be part of the season when they win. Ended up we didn't win after all. So it wasn't a pointless, it was a fun trip. So you dragged Tommy over there. I didn't get that badge of honour.

They won the game that we went to which was great but we didn't win the whole. You don't barrack for Liverpool. No I was just along for the ride. Right okay. But we did shows there so they were all fun. So this year I'm like okay we get X amount of points ahead we're definitely going to win. I have to go again.

So this time Tommy doesn't want to go. It doesn't fit his schedule. I'm like, okay, I've got to go. I've got to see, like, in my head, I've got to see one match to be part of it, to sort of be like some sort of participation trophy. So I organize to be able to go. Very, very luckily, a friend of the show and mega star comedian russell howard yes i hit him up to go are you going to go to the match because he's a big fan and and i hit him up to go uh you're

gonna have beers after the match he goes no but i'm not using my tickets you can have them and i'm like amazing because they're obviously going to be good seats also he's a member so he's got member privileges in the lounge he's like yeah you go there or you can drink dinner, blah, blah, blah, all that sort of stuff. As it happens, my wife also sort of works within the travel industry so I can get extremely good deals. So this is where we left it last week. She's the pilot that lives

near Dave's parents. So I book in the trip to go over but the thing is, I'm on standby the whole time. Anytime I fly, I'm on standby, which means if the plane's full, I can't get on. What do you mean you're on standby?

This is what happens in the travel world. The cheap ticket. Yeah, the cheap ticket, but you only get it if no one else is using the seat. Do you go to the airport? Do you have to go to the airport when you're on standby? No, they come and pick me up from my house. I just sit on the chimney and I just jump on a wing as they go by.

Should they know they're like four hours before they're the plane's full or not? I can imagine. So you get all your stuff ready, you go to the airport, you don't know whether you're getting on or not. Yes, I've done that before. But you do get a little bit of a heads up. There's times where you know you're not going to get on. You can log into the system and see how many seats.

Well, you can't. Like we talked about last time, there's a little bit of that and there's a little bit. So sometimes it goes a bit green, orange, red. Like, no, definitely, there's a bit of a maybe or definitely yes. But all of a sudden, in eight hours, people can buy ten tickets and all of a sudden you can't get on the plane. Like, that's happened to me before.

Yeah, yeah. It's like a participant pass at the comedy festival it's a saturday night the show's at 8 30 it's in the town hall you know what i'm probably not getting in on i've had this happen before where my wife said to me oh you're all good it's like um it's it's green so you're all good to get on and then i rock out there and they go no it's sold out and I realise the difference between green and red

is like nine seats right well of course nine seats got bought in like 18 hours yeah so but who travels like this

you know one of me and Denise have never heard of this I mean I sort of heard of it but who would travel like this people like you like standby yeah who would travel

on standby well me and anyone related to people that work within the industry. Partners of people who work in the industry. Is it a lot of savings? Big difference? It is a lot of savings. Right.

So say a normal trip to Europe would be $1,400. How much is it? $1,400 return. $400? Yeah. Getting real cagey now. Well, I don't want to. Yeah, all right.

I don't know if this is legal or whatever. I don't know. No, no, it can be... If your wife is an employee, it can be the employee's partner. Anyway, whatever. That's literally what it is, yes. So did you get on? You're going on in drag disguised as your wife.

But the other thing is you've got to dress up. And we've talked about this as well. You've got to dress up because you're representing the airline. Really? Yeah, you've got to dress up. And so what we were this as well. You've got to dress up because you're representing the airline. Really? Yeah, you've got to dress up. And so what we were talking about last time was – A clown suit? No.

So like nice shirt? Yeah, there's like rules. Nice shirt, no denim, no sneakers. You've got to have a monocle. No. Yes. But very nicely dressed. You've got to represent the the dumb thing is once you

get on if you get in for example business yeah because you can get that sometimes you get on there and you're all dressed up you're in a bloody half a tux and you get in and they go here's some pajamas put them on and fuck around yeah what have i dressed up for i'm dressed up for just to walk onto the plane and then i'm putting pjs on. You're just fooling the bouncer. Yeah, yes, exactly. It's just an investment in, yeah. You get past the bouncer and then into the phone party. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. Great. So what happened was I'm on standby. I'm not only on standby for that, I'm on standby for business class as well. Now, what we got up to last time was I booked in all the flights. We got the tickets, whatever. I'd in all the flights, we got the tickets, whatever. I'd booked my flight in

so I got there a day early. I then realised with like two days to go, I fucked up the timing, the international timing. I thought the match was on Tuesday night.

It wasn't. It's on Monday night. I'm now due in London at half past 12, midday. The match starts in Liverpool at 7.30.

It's a four hour train trip from London to Liverpool. I do all the sums. If the two flights all match up, if the two flights match up, plus the train stops three times, if there's no delays with everything, I've got 15 minutes to get to the match at the train station. So that's how I explained it.

So there's no stress in your life whatsoever? Well, you know what? I actually, we were talking about this, and I'm not stressed at all about it. I was like, oh, this will be an adventure. And I said that to my wife after we did the program, and I was like saying, oh, everyone was like stressed out about it. And I was sort of like, this is pretty funny. And she goes, yeah, you're like in the eye of the tornado you you have no stress but it's me and

the listeners are like you're a fucking idiot everyone else is screaming at you and you're in the middle going oh why are all these cows floating around exactly and when you're in control of it it's like yeah i don't know i'm on the adventure but like to anyone else hearing it what we were saying last week because he's on standby and he doesn't even know if he's going to get on the plane and he's got these amazing seats at the game, we're going, you're doing well, just buy a plane ticket. Just guarantee that you're going to get this. Yeah.

When you're not in control of it and you can't do that, it's so frustrating to hear. It's like, you have an option. Just do this. I want it all. I want the perfect trip. I want it all. Back the perfect trip yeah i want it all so for cheap yeah yeah yeah and the other thing was the other the other gamble was that if i got the right flights at the right times there was a big chance of being able to do

business for most of the way oh so that's the thing i was really you are an entire gambling man i'm not you know what on things like that, yes. I'm a bit of a last minute man with stuff like that. In terms of physically gambling, going on teams or anything like that, like physical money gambling, I've got no interest. No, but with life. With life, I'm way more. Smart, though, you're saving your luck.

You know, if you went into the cast, if you were playing the pokies once a week, you'd probably have a payout every now and then. Yeah. But then something where you've bet big on being able to get a big-name comedian to drop into your room at the very last minute, those things wouldn't pan out. Full disclosure, this works probably... It used to work 100% of the time.

It's slided down to about 80% of the time. There's been a few moments where, for example, Tommy and our friend Milan were living it up in Times Square in New York once whilst I was stuck at a Vancouver airport eating Italian at a roadside diner by the side of a highway while he was in New York. And then there was another one where him and Brett Blake and co. were at the top of a hotel from The Hangover 2, the amazing 200 floors up, drinking beers up there. And I was at the airport with an American family going, can we get on the next flight?

No. What about the next one? No. So it does fuck up. So anyway, so this time, right. So after we had that episode last week, I then talked to my wife about it. And she's like going, yeah, I agree. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Like, why are you doing this? Why can't you buy a ticket or why can't you do this and whatever? And I go, oh, it'll work out. You know better. You can see all the plans online and everything. And she goes, why don't you just fly into a different city? And I'm like, can you do that? And she's like, yes.

You can fly to Liverpool. No, you can't. You can't do that. You can fly to Liverpool. No, you can't. You can't do that. You can fly to Manchester. So that's what I found out. Second largest city in England. It's not. Birmingham is.

But anyway, let's move on from that massive mystery. It feels really awkward now, doesn't it, Tommy? It's not. Manchester's 500,000 people. It's only 500,000 people? Yeah. Oh, gee. Some stats geeks are going to light up our social media this week after that. 500,000 people? Yeah. Oh, gee. So.

Some stats geeks are going to light up our social media this week after that. Yeah, London's like eight million. London's twice the size of Melbourne. It's massive. Yeah, huge. I'll go out on a limb. It's a big city. London's a big city. It's a real big city.

It's a big one. It's pretty big. One of the biggest I've ever been to, for sure. One of the top three biggest in England. Yeah, yeah. It's huge. In my experience. Big, big city.

There we go, Manchester. At least as big as Manchester, in my opinion. Manchester's bigger than that. There we go on. So you're flying to Manchester now. So then my wife goes, oh, okay, I'll try and get you, I'll try and change it to Manchester. And then she looks up and goes, wow,

this is even a slimmer chance of getting on than going to London. Unbelievable stuff. Now I'm rolling the dice even London. Oh, really? It's unbelievable stuff. Now I'm rolling the dice even more. She's like, it's looking like a full plane. I'm like, you know what? Let's go for it. Let's go for it. You're all in.

I'm all in. She's like, you're at the casino. A crowd's gathered around you at this point. People can't believe this guy. Geographical question. How far is Manchester then from Liverpool? Close. Way closer.

So the train trip. It's almost joined up now. This was going to be, again, let's not listen to Dave O'Neill with geography about Manchester. He's none from two. So it is an hour on the train. It's an hour on the train from Manchester. He's Googling. He's on Candy Crush.

He's right about the population of Manchester. I was just there, I know. Just being there, you're like, you met everyone there, I counted. You met 510,000. Well, it's one less than a couple of days ago anyway. So I go, okay, I'm all in. At this point now, Melbourne to Doha is my, you know,

you've got to fly the connecting flight. Yeah, connecting flight. So that's looking better. All of a sudden, that's not the gamble anymore. It's the Manchester flight that's the gamble. It's the Doha to Manchester. Yeah, yeah. So, look, worst case scenario, you're just stuck in Doha.

Yeah. Doha. With a lot of people with masks on. I've been stuck in Doha, and that's not the title of my next book. But go on. We'll come back to that if we have time. Yes, yes. So go to the airport, line up and my wife has said to me because she works for the company,

everyone knows her, she says, all this sort of stuff. So this is the first point of many points I'm to go to then in different airports around the world where I go in and drop her name and say, this has been arranged for me and for some extremely blank looks to be given back to me. Yes, yeah. And then going, we don't know what you're talking about. Looking up on computers, we don't know anything about this. This person doesn't exist.

Yeah. Yeah, this is a thriller. I find out that my wife's just been going down the shops for eight hours a day every day for the last five years. So I go, oh, my God. So I have to ring her. She then rings the airport. All this sort of stuff happens.

They're saying... Humiliating. Yeah. Absolutely humiliating. I'm holding up queues. Yeah. I'm becoming the angry man at the airport. And then I'm like, fucking hell.

The mean man at the counter says he doesn't know you. Yeah. Yeah. So I am... Look, I've got to be careful with what I say about all this stuff because I found out recently that a lot of people that know my wife now listen to the show. But don't work at the airport apparently because none of them know who she is. Or who you are either.

Yes, yes. And so what's your attire? So you're at Melbourne Airport. What are you wearing at this point? I've been dressed by my wife. Great. It's a rare occasion, but she's like, I know what you should be wearing.

So I've got very uncomfortable dress shoes on. I've got chinos on. I've got... I love this photo. Fresh from the birdcage of Flemington. I've got a nice iron shirt on. I've got a nice iron shirt on. I've got a nice iron shirt. Wow.

I've got a fake leather jacket on. Hang on. The fake leather's thrown in for a loop. That's what she wanted me to wear. Are you vegan or something? No, no, no. Poor. Again, just saving money again.

It's a standby jacket. Again, just saving money again. Oh, right. It's a standby jacket. When some real leather opens up. It was made from a standby cow. So I get the call. I get the call from her. She goes, you have to go and speak to such and such, whatever. I go over and then I say, oh, you've got a call from such and such.

Then they double check and everything. And then they're on the phone and then they're talking to like some airport manager. And then they look over at me and she's just looking at me and then leans over the counter and goes, yeah, chinos, dress shoes, fake leather jacket. He's in? Yeah okay You can come on She singles out The fake leather jacket

Yeah yeah Unbelievable She names all the stuff I'm wearing in front of me To the head of the airport Or whatever the fuck Is going on I love this

Yeah yeah So then she goes This is like flying in the 60s When it had a bit of You know you had to dress up Yes I love it Yeah

It's a formal plane yeah it's no tiger airlines yeah sure yeah so then it's like okay you're in and i'm like oh so i'm on i get a seat then you go yeah you're in you're in business i'm like fuck yes so i'm i'm guaranteed melbourne to doha business awesome perfect because fake business because of that well yeah hideous jacket well the pjs were on pretty quickly afterwards so it didn't matter sure sure so i go in there um great get on the plane at uh like 10 30 11 o'clock at night perfect business time for that is perfect because then you can go to sleep yeah all that sort of awesome great so pressure's off there there's one one leg down so i then get to doha yes get to doha they won't let me check in at any point i'm on

standby i'm like business they're like i i i get in line and i'm behind one person who has a screaming match about getting into business for honestly 20 minutes really yeah a guy yeah a guy yeah and then and then so he's having a screaming match about how he should be in business and the guy behind the counter just keeps going so you should be in business should you and he's like

yeah he goes just show me your business ticket and you're in and then the guy's like I shouldn't have to show you anything I shouldn't have to and the guy's just like no problem sir

just show me that business ticket and you're in and he just kept saying it and the guy just goes crazy and then just gives up because he doesn't have the business ticket and then walks on and then I just come up and go, any room in business?

And he's like, what do you reckon? I'm like, fuck. So I don't get business on that trip. But I go, so am I on this one? And there's like two seats left and I get one of two seats. Oh, wow. Great. So I'm in.

Great. Middle seat? Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. In between three people from Manchester. Oh, how are you going? How do they speak?

They're not Liverpudlian, are they? No. They've got a different accent, haven't they? Not too far away. But, yeah. So then they're asking me questions about where I've been and whatever. And they're just telling me stories about being in places that they swear have got coronavirus. So it was good stuff.

Really good stuff. That would be glass for me, Carl. They were all from different places. They'd all been to different places. And they're just telling me Carl they were all from different places they'd all been to different places and they're just telling me how they were all

full of coronavirus we've all definitely got it yeah great did you talk soccer were they Manchester fans surely

yeah yeah I'm sorry Liverpool fans because then I started explaining this whole story to them they were asking me so they're asking me more questions

more questions and the ones that I'm talking to directly are very entertained by the story I can't believe you're doing this fucking idiot adventure.

This is amazing. But they're very happy and they're laughing and whatever and then they move over the row and they've got, you know, wives and husbands over the row and then they yell out to them and go, listen, this guy, he's flying 26 hours and they're having to catch a train

and hope it all goes in conjunction and whatever to get to this match that's on tomorrow night. And then the woman yells over, haven't you got fucking TVs in Australia? Are your fucking TVs there? That's great. Absolutely fair.

Very good point. Absolutely fair point. I hadn't thought of that. We do actually have TVs in this country. I had no response to that. So I get off that plane. So because of this whole thing, like I said before, the original plan was get off the that. Yeah. So, I get off that plane. And so, because of this whole thing, like I said before, the original plan was get off the plane at 12.30, Monday, lunchtime,

four and a half hour train trip. Train from London to Liverpool. Get into Liverpool at like half past five, and then I have to get up to there at six o'clock, 6.30. Yep. Right. Now, the other thing is I'm meeting Ray Badron, because I've got two tickets into this executive lounge as well.

So I think easy. I get into Manchester at 12.30, get through customs, get through everything. I've got time. Nice one. And because a big discussion on the last episode, Denise, was time is of the essence. Carl having to travel very light.

Yes. Not being able to take a backpack into the stadium. I don't check in. That was the quandary. So I think I don't check in. That was the quandary. So I think I won't check in any luggage. Yeah, yeah. Because the thing is, if I don't have any time, you can't bring anything into a stadium, anything at all,

anything bigger than like a small handbag. So you travel with no luggage at all? Well, that was the original plan. Now that I've got time to go to Manchester, I brought a small bag. Oh, la-dee-da. I know, I know. Very nice. Someone's doing all right. But just a small thing so I didn got time to go to Manchester, I brought a small bag. Oh, la-di-da. I know. I know. Very nice.

Someone's doing all right. But just a small thing so I didn't have to. Fake leather bag. Fake leather satchel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I didn't have to check it in. Yeah. So I rock out of Manchester airport. I go, I've got plenty of time.

There's a Greg's famous English bakery. I'm hanging out in the airport. I've got an hour to spend. I'll eat a few sausage rolls. Oh, God. Greg's is good, actually. Greg's is good. Greg's is good, actually. Greg's is good. Greg's is excellent.

Yeah, Greg's good. So then I get the ticket, Manchester to Liverpool. Awesome. Still making good time. Oh, no. Go. Get on that.

Get on that. I get into Liverpool at about, what was it? I think it was about four o'clock or something like that. Doing well. Yeah, doing fine. I've booked a hotel. I canclock or something like that. Doing well. Yeah, doing fine. I've booked a hotel.

I can go there. I can get a shower. Because I've been in the air for 26, 27 hours. Yeah, you'd be putrid with a fake leather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sweat. Doesn't breathe. Doesn't breathe at all.

The dress shoes. Yeah. Yeah, and the dress shoes. So then I get out onto... Because the other thing is the game that I'm going to, I've got to dress formal for that. So I've only got room for one set of formal clothes. So the fake leather jacket's got to come along to the game too.

Yeah, and the shoes. The dress shoes. Yeah, yeah. Dress shoes have got not much give in them. They're not used to the Nikes I'm wearing 24-7. So I get to Liverpool. I go easy. I'll check into my hotel.

Get in the cab. I show the cab driver my internet third-party booking. Let's say that the hotel's called ABC Hotel. Oh, no. Just take me to that. Easy. The guy drops me off and goes, here's the address. So there you go.

I go, great. I get out and I go, where's the hotel? And he goes, oh, mate, I'm dropping you at the address. So there you go. That's all I. I get out and I go, where's the hotel? And he goes, oh, mate, I'm dropping you at the address. So there you go. That's all I can do for you. I get there. It's, to my eyes, some form of abandoned church. There's big gargoyle fucking door handles that I'm going, okay,

do I knock on them or whatever? So I'm knocking on them and then I'm looking up and I'm going, there's no one in this building this is not a hotel this is nothing I'm asking passers by what's this they don't know what it is

I'm asking there's kitchen hands that are around the back of it I'm going is this a hotel and they're like no it's not a hotel not a hotel buddy

if you happen to be around the back I think you know the answer yeah yeah yeah so I'm going what's the there's like policemen coming. So I'm going, what's the, there's like policemen coming by and I'm going,

can you tell me where this hotel is? And he's like, mate, I've fucking got no idea what you're talking about. I'm going into businesses either side of it going, do you know what that is?

And they're like, we've worked here for five years. We don't know what that is. What, what, and I'm, and this is like, Every strip of this is like a,

could be the plot of a thriller movie. Right, yeah. No one at the airport's heard of your wife. No one in Manchester's heard of this hotel. This is Liverpool. Oh, Liverpool, sorry. It's still. It's like Gone Girl.

It's Gone Carl. You can get stabbed in a minute. So at this point, I'm starting to melt down because I've been in there for that long. I've been on the train. It's now like three degrees, by the way. This is Liverpool. This is about five o'clock now. I'm walking. I've been on the train. It's now like three degrees, by the way. This is Liverpool. This is about five o'clock now.

I'm walking. I'm doing laps of this hotel, church, whatever the fuck it is. I'm doing laps of it just slowly going crazy in three degrees and just going, what the fuck am I going to do? So I've got no SIM card. I've got no English. I've got no Wi-Fi. I've got nothing.

The abandoned church didn't have a hotspot? No, it didn't. No, weirdly. I then just nothing. The abandoned church didn't have a hotspot? No, it didn't. No, weirdly. I then just started walking around trying to find any sort of hotspot anywhere. I find a place with a hotspot. I find the hotel number. I start ringing the hotel. Hotel's not picking up.

I've got enough Wi-Fi to then check the hotel on the reviews. There's all just all these reviews going, the hotel's not even there. This is the jip. There's no hotel at this location. You've just taken my money and there's no fucking hotel. What did it cost you? This is like one... So a decent amount. I think it was 150, something like that.

Okay, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like, what the... The most recent reviews here... Like, there's a couple of decent reviews from about 18 months ago, two years ago. But then there's nothing but reviews saying this place doesn't exist yeah right so it's a con so i'm like fuck what the fuck am i going to do now like honest and and because it's a night where there's a match on the entire city is booked out yes everyone's that like me yeah but more sensible

yes have come into the city booked their hotel, booked their flights properly and got their accommodation sorted. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? But do they look like fake Fonzie? No, they don't. Yeah, well. So I find the number and I keep ringing it and they just do not pick up. And I'm like, what the fuck? So then I Google the hotel again.

But this time, if I Google it, it's got a different address. Now it's got a different address from what it had on the booking, if that makes sense, on the booking email. So now there's two addresses. So I'm like, right, okay, well, my only option is...

So you're still believing in this plan? What else can I do? There is now two hours to go till the match. Yeah, bet that TV at home is starting to look pretty good right now, isn't it? Man, coronavirus is looking pretty good at this point. A hospital bed. These sound like symptoms of it. I'm walking around, all I can see is an abandoned church.

I'm freezing. A confirmed hospital bed, not a standby one, would be pretty sweet at this point. So I go, right, okay, my only clue. This is like a treasure map at this point. I'm right, okay, my only clue, this is like a treasure map at this point, I'm like, okay, my only clue is this other hotel, which is like a couple of kilometres away. And I'm like, okay, I'll screenshot the map, because I'll use that hotspot, screenshot the map, and I'll just walk down that way. And this is like a couple of kilometres away.

First sensible thing you've done on this trip. Yeah. I'm walking against a sea of Liverpool fans who are walking the other direction. Great. Nice. They're just taking their time. They've got plenty of time to get to the match. Why not?

Yeah, why not? Life's about the journey. And, of course, I can't go straight to the match because I've got my backpack. I've got my bag. Contraband backpack. Exactly. So then I go down. This other location I've been given is right on the docks.

Now, I was in the city at a cosy three degrees. I've got to go down the docks now i was in the city at a cozy three degrees i gotta go down the docks now freezes what this is absolutely fucking killing me now it is so cold i'm i've you know like i said i've been on the plane that long i'm going delirious i'm going crazy i'm now thinking everything's fucked up this i can't believe i got past all those hurdles and this is the thing that's going to break me yeah so i get down to the docks i get a call from an unknown number it's the hotel ringing me going oh yeah what's what's going on is they're just returning random calls because i didn't leave a message so they're returning random calls going what what did you want when you rang i said i want to know where your fucking hotel is and they go oh yeah

it's down by the docks have you got this address address? I go, oh yeah, that's the place I'm heading to. And they go, right, okay, well yeah, just go there. And I go, okay, I said, well I can see this landmark. Is it anywhere near there? He goes, yeah, it's somewhere near there. I go, okay. So then I go there, I find this landmark down by the docks. It's next to this big hotel.

So I go there and I keep walking and again I'm doing laps and I'm like, where the fuck is ABC Hotel? Where the fuck is it? And I've now spent another half an hour next to the docks

doing laps going fucking crazy. I ring the bloke back. He doesn't answer. So now I'm like, fuck, time is ticking down. I'm losing my mind.

Then finally he rings me back again he's like is that you again did you ring again i go yes something convenient yeah your phone calls i go yeah it's not like this guy's got anything else though i go man i went where you told me where is it i'm looking for abc hotel or whatever and he goes oh yeah yeah right right right oh we'll see that big hotel you just go around the back there's like there's a big bin

and there's like a door a little door and your room's yeah oh that would have been nice heck what no

you look like you're going to say something no I'm just right you're in the twilight zone yeah yeah you go around the back the directions are

you go around the back and there's a bin yes and then there's a that's the major landmark for this hotel so you look go around the back and there's a bin. Yes. That's the major landmark for this hotel. So you look for the bin and then there's a door next to the bin. There's a little door next to the bin. Sorry, when you say little door. It's not like a cat door.

No. It's not a cat flap. It's like just, it doesn't look like a hotel is my point. I get there. It's not a hotel. Have you seen Harry Potter? There would be a brick wall. Run out of it really fast and you'll appear on the other side.

Absolutely. So there's this little door that looks like just a servant's entrance to an office. It looks like the back of a 7-Eleven. Right. The servant's entrance to an office. Well, yeah. It looks like the back entrance of a 7-Eleven. Something where, like, absolutely, like, I get there and I go, and the thing is, it's

not called ABC Hotel. It's got a completely different name. Right. Different address, different name to what's on your booking sheet. Yes. A door behind a bin. Yes, next to a bin. Sounds good.

Next to a bin. So then I ring the guy again. Again, he doesn't answer. So I'm just stuck at this door going... And then I get a text from him going... Because I realise this is just a door in a building. There's no reception.

There's no nothing. It's, this is not a pro out there. It's like an Airbnb kind of thing, isn't it? Sort of. Something like that. There's no reception at all.

Suddenly I get a text from the guy going, oh yeah, you probably need this code to get in because it's a locked door. Are you the first person to ever stay here?

Man. He seems completely caught off guard by everything about the process of running a venue. And even with a confirmation email of getting into a hotel, if there's no reception, there needs to be a code on the door. You send the code out in the email, don't you? Yeah.

So I'm sitting there with a code going, how am I going to fucking crack open this safe and fucking lie down on a double bed? Yeah. So I get a text then from him going, oh yeah, by the way, it's 012345, whatever it is. Yep.

So then I go, oh, fuck, okay. Well, the zero doesn't work. Zero doesn't work on it. So I'm sitting there for another 10 minutes texting back going, mate, the zero's not working. No answer. Because this bloke, I don't know, he's in Sri Lanka in some course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I then wait until someone comes out of the hotel and I go, sorry, mate, I'm just going to have to slipstream you in there. And then I get in there and go, hang on a minute. I don't have a key. How am I going to get in if there's no reception? Yeah, where are the rooms? How am I going to get in? So then in the original text then he sent me the code,

he sent me the room number. But then I go, I've got no key. So I go, what am I going to do so I just go to the room room's just wide open yeah well what are you care you don't have any luggage

so hang on the room exists I can't believe that this stage of the story there is an actual room there is an actual room there is a room right

the room's wide open there's no there's no key there's no lock on it there's no nothing people are walking around inside the hotel it's like a hostel it. There's no nothing. People are walking around inside the hotel. It's like a hostel maybe. But it's quite

nice. It's weird. It's actually not a bad hotel. You don't have anything with you. You don't need a lock on the door. You have no luggage. I've got a backpack. Oh yeah, you've got the backpack. Fake leather jacket. Good point. I've got my sneakers in there. I've got my civvies.

I've got my civvies. I've got my civvies. So I get in there. I go, oh, fuck. So I've got no time for rest or anything. I go in there, chuck in the sneakers and the backpack, wear the same clothes back out again, walk out and go, okay, I guess I just leave this door open again and just leave. It's pretty secure, though.

You can't get in from the street because there's no zero on the the bastard zero is better than any key exactly yeah yeah you're right so I go out and then go how am I going to get back in again but anyway

that's for the 1am version of me yep cool so then I go I leave this hotel's by

it's down by the dock so it's by the side of a highway and I go right now I've got to get to the game. It's now whatever it is. It's like about, I think it's quarter to six, six o'clock or something like that. And I go, okay, now all I need is a taxi.

I'm by the side of a highway. I don't know if you've ever been by the side of a highway. Not a lot of taxis looking for fares on a highway. That's right. They're often going the other way. Yeah, they're often mid-fair. Yeah. So there are people hanging around.

I'm like, what's my chances of getting a taxi? And they're like, zero. And they're like, have you got, what about, just get an Uber. I go, I've got no Wi-Fi.

They go, oh, you sound fucked. And they go, they're right, you do sound fucked. Yeah, there's a girl there and I go, one girl I say, what do I do? Is there a cab rank anywhere?

And she goes, not anywhere near here. She goes, oh, actually, I could call you a cab on my phone. I go, yeah. She goes, oh, no, that'd be fucked. I'm not going to do that. Jesus Christ. I go, why don't you do that? She goes, oh, because it'd hook up to my account and if you fuck something up, well, that's on her.

Yeah, you look disheveled. You haven't slept. She probably thinks this guy's going to take her shit in the cab or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go, okay. I said, where's the closest cab rank? And she goes, oh, it's a few kilometres that way.

Okay, all right. Because I'm outside the city sort of at this point. So I go, okay, I'm going to go through there. I go through there. Everything's gridlocked. There's no taxis available. Can I just quickly say to Dave and Denise and also to everyone listening

just as you're hearing this part of the story just remember that there is a wife and child at home in Melbourne yes that have been yes

abandoned neglected in this story to take so someone can go see some grown men kick around a bit of leather I would say

abandon is a strong word put on hold put on hold I just think that does add a nice just you like a Like you're in a comic strip Little thought balloon

Above your head Picturing baby blanket Just sleeping peacefully While you're shivering On the side of a freeway To be fair Those two Were in bed

Asleep Absolutely relaxed To the world Loving life I think there's something There's some karma Action happening I reckon

You abandon Your wife and child You are going to get Shit in reckon You abandon your wife and child You are going to get shit in Manchester You abandon the wife, the child, common sense It all just got left behind No wife, no wifi Strange girl will not call cab So I get into the city bit

And I'm like looking for cabs Everything's gridlocked I start asking people Buses? What are buses? Yeah, yeah, yeah I stop at bus stops I'm going Do for cabs everything's gridlocked I start asking people Buses? What about buses or something? Yeah yeah yeah I start I stop at bus stops

I'm going do any of these go anywhere near the soccer and they're all laughing going nah none of these go anywhere near it Bloody old me

I get onto a couple of buses and go are you going anywhere near it and they're like get off the bus Great Get off So I'm asking people

they're going what about a cab they're going no chance I have to get to a stage where I go alright well this is it I am I'm asking people, they're going, what about a cab? They're going, no chance. I have to get to a stage where I go, all right, well, this is it. I'm looking at the time I've got to get there. I now decide that's it. I am running to the game.

So I'm in the... Oh, now I'm hearing, what's that music? Chariots of Fire. Chariots of Fire. Yes, yes. Interesting, Denise, because I'm hearing the jackass music in my head. Chariots of Fire yes interesting Denise because I'm hearing the jackass music

in my head I was hearing the Benny Hill music so yackety sacks because I was chasing that girl with the taxi yeah yeah yeah

please call one for me so so I'm I find a bit of a hot spot in the city I realise I'm four kilometres away I'm like

oh you can mate make this a mile. Oh, I come from Dave O'Neill. Cheers, mate. Get on your bike, mate. So I'm in the chinos. I'm in the dress shoes. Oh, my God. In the leather jacket.

You can feel the blisters. It's like you're a thief. You look like a thief, probably. Exactly. That guy's torn that fake leather jacket. Having said that, I'm now, so I now go, okay, I've got to run four kilometres to get there in

time in all this get up. I then have to go, now Liverpool, as much as I support the team, I quickly realise it's not the nicest town in the world. It's a bit rough. As we experienced last year. You know what else we experienced last year when we were trying to get to the game?

Couldn't get a cab, couldn't work out a bus, so we ended up having to walk there. Yes. Now, those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. Exactly. You've been there before. But what I did learn was

I took exactly the same route as last year because I was like, well, that's the way to do it. Except now I'm doing it at night and things look a lot different at night. I'm now running through bits of Liverpool going, you know what? This is actually a good thing that I'm running because I'm running past people going, I reckon at least I've got a head start on that guy if he tries to bash me.

Okay, right. So I'm on the move. I think it's harder to mug someone if they're already running. Oh, yeah. Even though I'm all dressed up. It's, yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure. I think you're overestimating the whole fake leather jacket thing

to say you're dressed up well enough to be mugged. I mean, Liverpool might be poor. Yes, but no, to be fair, most people in Liverpool are wearing tracksuit pants and tracksuit tops so they look like they're ready to go anyway. I love this. This creates an interesting dilemma for when you get to the members area at the stadium and you're meant to be dressed nice to get in and they see you and sure you dress you got the nice

shirt and the dress shoes but you're also just sweating wrenched in sweat an interesting dilemma for them does this guy pass well well we'll see so so I I keep running I'm I'm where's Ray Badron at this point so I'm running I'm running because he's not theren at this point? So I'm running. Because he's not the most organized man, I'd expect. Well, I'm following traffic at this point because there's no Wi-Fi. So I'm just following where cars and taxis are going. Fucking hell. So I'm actually trying to hitch rides with taxis because clearly people are going to the game.

And I'm just like, can I hop in? No, absolutely not. Fair enough. I'm a running, sweaty, fake leather man. So I'm chasing taxis. It's pitch dark by now. Chasing taxis, chasing buses. Time-wise, I'm just getting there. I'm just getting there on time.

Okay, so I keep a lot of hills. Surprisingly, I don't know if you remember. Oh, I remember. Yeah. 4K, I get there just in time, right? I've got the passes to get in I find out where you get in I get there

and then I realise oh Ray Badger yeah where's Ray so I get there's the doorman I've got the VIP passes to get into the lounge and I show him

and he goes where's your mate where's your plus one and I said oh well I'll just go in and I'll figure it out from then when I get wifi in there

and they go nah mate no pass outs ooh ok alright can you hang on to these passes are you seeing a curly haired Aussie when I get wifi in there and they go nah mate no pass outs ooh okay alright can you hang on to these passes are you seeing a curly haired Aussie

no none of that stuff they won't do any of that stuff and I'm sitting there going fuck now what do I do and of course it's this is like 7 o'clock at night

it is fucking freezing cold up there and I'm thinking Badrin what the fuck do I do now what the fuck do I do now and then I just start getting texts from Badrin going

call me but like it's he's misspelling call me i don't know what the fuck's going on but he misspells two of the easiest words in the english language to spell so then i go oh what am i gonna oh fuck you know what i go on data roaming i go on australian. Oh, finally. Spend a bit of money, you mind-monger. The flights were free. Turn fucking roaming on. Roaming's not even that expensive. Man, it is. I clocked up a $1,000 bill in New York once because I didn't understand it.

But anyway. You were there for longer than a day, though. Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Fuck, all this time you could have done that? Oh, yeah, but Ray can't spell. What an idiot. i ring i ring ray and also he could have rung me he's got a fucking english yeah he lives there he's got english phone

yep so he's ringing and i said where are you and he goes oh i'm still like half an hour away i'm like can't i fucking flew 26 hours to get here how did did I beat you? Oh, yeah, I'm stuck in traffic or something. So then I have to wait for him. Then I get another message again like 10 minutes later. Call me. So I have to call him again. He goes, yeah, I'm still stuck in traffic. I'm like, man, you don't have to keep getting me to call you for the same message.

So then I get another. Finally, he calls me and he's like so where is this again I'm like oh fuck I sent you the email so I'm losing my mind yeah eventually he finds me we get there

like literally just in time for kick off just before kick off yeah so we we waste the privileges of the it was a free meal

of all yeah of all that sort of stuff we get in we're the last people to get in there we get in there and I haven't had a beer

I haven't had a drink for two months. So we go in there, grab a beer, then it's like, sorry guys, but you're not allowed to bring beer into the match. Oh, fuck. So we just scull a beer and then go out of the match right on kickoff. We haven't, we couldn't have got there any later

and still got the kickoff. So then we do. The great thing is, great, we do make the match. We get down there. We're in Russell Howard's seats, his regular seat. So it's like, great, we're there. Such a relief. It's awesome.

Now that we're here, who cares about everything? Fuck, great match. Awesome. Get down there. Badron just proceeds to tell me about how well he's doing in England at open mic gigs for the first half of the match. No. Everyone around him is like furious.

Everyone's cracking shits. I'm furious. I don't like sport. Well, because he's just not interested at all. Yeah, he's just sitting there going, he just wants to tell me how well he's doing in England. Yeah, yeah. So then...

Oh, then I do this gig. Yeah, and then there's people around us that clearly it's their regular seats. Yeah, yeah. So they used to sit next to Ray Badger. I mean, Russell Howard. Russell Howard, yeah. This UK superstar who fills out arenas. Now they're next to some fucking sweaty fake leather guy and some idiot in an Afro going,

yeah, I killed this fucking open mic. Yeah, I killed it. Oh, unbelievable. Should have been there. Yeah. So anyway, they're getting very mad. Look, the great thing is the match is awesome. I loved being there.

Did they win? It was all great. We went 1-0 up early. Great. The dream. Won all straight away. We're playing one of the bottom teams. Who are they playing?

The thing of this is Liverpool hasn't lost in a year. They haven't lost in 14 months at this point. We go back to one of the bottom clubs. We go in for a beer at halftime. We come back out. We go 2-1 down. It's 20 minutes to go, and I realise I've done all of that effort and talked all of this up, and I'm now going to see the first time

we've lost in 14 months. And you must have been conflicted because it's like truly the perfect end to the story. Yeah, I'm like... For the sake of content, honestly nothing better.

I'm thinking... Heaven. I'm thinking, I'm fucking hating this now. I'm nearly in tears but it'll be good on the podcast. Yeah, in a week's time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And I'm going to cop it from everyone on social media for the next 12 months. You've got a bad luck charm. So did they lose? So then 20 minutes ago, we turn it around. We win 3-2.

We score 2 in the last. Bummer. No, not bummer. I'm annoyed. Fucking great. 55,000 people going nuts, going insane. We're going awesome. All of a sudden, the people next to us have been hating us the whole match,

start liking us again. We're high-fiving them it's like okay maybe Russell Howe won't be in trouble next week do they sing any songs do they sing those

Liverpool songs yeah yeah yeah they sing all the songs Ferry Cross and Mersey or We'll Never Walk Alone yeah yeah yeah oh great all that stuff

so it was great you know I do feel bad because I'm a big follower of the team and I get all the podcasts and read all the social media and all of them

open up with the articles the atmosphere in the ground was really bad in this match and I get all the podcasts and read all the social media and all of them open up with the articles. The atmosphere in the ground was really bad in this match and I'm like, can't help that. You and Ray. You and Badgerin.

It's spread like the coronavirus. The bad vibe. Badgerin's talking about killing a five minute down in fucking Wapney or whatever. Just spread around the stadium.

So then we win. Awesome. We go back into the hospitality suite. We then take advantage of everything. We are literally the last people out of there. We get kicked out of there. We drink as much as we can. So you drink, you eat.

Yes. We ask for everything we can ask for. We're like, is there anything else out the back you can give us? So I haven't drunk for two months, so this is gone. Is there anything out the back? Can we eat out of the back you can give us? So I haven't drunk for two months, so this is gone. Is there anything out the back? Can we eat out of the bin while we're here? Well, I turned the taps off. Yeah, right, right.

So we're the last ones out. I haven't drunk for two months. So as you said last week, I wasn't piss fit. No. So I'm loving life now. I've gone from zero to 100, loving it. So then I'm with Badger and we're having a ball. I've forgotten all about him texting me and being late. Having a ripping time with him.

Let's go to the next pub. We go to the next pub. It's like a local pub, you know, next to the grounds. All the Liverpool fans in there. So we're hanging out there. We drink there until they kick us out. We go to the next place. And it's like, what a great night this has been.

We better go home now. Where's Badrum staying? Well, Badrum's staying in some hopeless backpacker somewhere. But the good thing is he knows how to get there. Yeah, everyone's coming from this guy. And he's got a key on him. So he's doing all right. Now, this is the thing.

Because I'm so blind at this point, I'm so out of my mind, I now realize I've gotten back to my hotel. I don't remember how I got in. So I don't know how I made the zero work or what the fuck I did. Well, someone opened the door for you. Yes, but... You've forgotten following that person in.

Yeah, well... But I can't understand, like, at 1am, someone else must have gone in. Oh, sorry, you mean the next day you can't remember how you got in the following night? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry, that's what I mean. So you need to be pissed to work the code. Maybe.

Oh. Maybe. Maybe pissed Carl is a hacker. I don't know. But I have no memory of getting in there. Okay. So I don't know whether there's been someone else pissed at 1am going in there and I've followed them in.

Yep. Whether I've hacked the system. If that had been me and there's a pissed guy in his fake leather jacket following me into a dodgy hotel. Next to a bin. So then I'm like, great. The next memory I have is now I've done all those hours. I'm jet lagged

I'm very very drunk I've got jet lag from the story I reckon the story's gone as long as the trip is my guess Is someone going to serve us a drink soon? Some peanuts? I get up in the middle of the night

I get up in the middle of the night absolutely out of my mind. Built it. Now, great hotel room if you want to have a good sleep because there is not a chink of light coming in from any window, any door, anything. It's completely black. So I get up here, it's out of my mind.

I have absolutely no idea where I am. I get up at like 3 a.m., 4 a.m. I've got no fucking idea where I am except that I know I desperately need to go to the toilet. I am the most busting I've ever been in my life. And I'm in this room. It's pitch black. I don't know where anything is. Honestly, I don't know where a light switch is.

I don't know where a door is. I'm that blind. I literally don't know where I am. Everything about your behavior in the story, it's like you're a caveman that's been defrosted in the modern world and it's just struggling. The bit where you're like working out how to get to the stadium by just following the traffic, it's like the caveman will be like, you follow the water buffalo and they lead you to where you need to go.

You go downstream. So I'm sorry to remind, I start to think I might be in jail because I don't know what another answer is. I don't know where I am. And so I start bashing on a window. I'm bashing on windows. What? I don't know where I am. I don't know what's going on.

What? I don't know what's going on at all. And I'm so busting. I'm like, this is it. I don't think I've ever pissed myself. But I guess this is. I need to go toy toy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where's the bucket? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where's the bucket? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like, fuck. So I start to piss myself. Oh, no. Denise is never going to come back after this. No, no, no. What's worse?

I'm feeling sick with stress. I really am. This is a nightmare. It's really... But the worst thing is, as I start to let it out... Oh, no! No! As I start to let it out, I find a doorknob

and the light... I think that's called your dick. Oh, yeah, and I twist it and it turns off. Yeah, yeah. Really round and wide. Yeah, yeah. That's the old fella. Yeah, yeah. So I find the doorknob and the light streams. Really round and wide. That's the old fella. So I find the doorknob and the light streams into the room and I go, oh fuck that's right, I know where I am now.

Right, okay. I know where the toilet is so I rush in there. I finish the job in there. But Hank, just quickly, this isn't a shared bathroom situation? No. Thank God. So you just eat a room and it's like there's only, how many places can the bathroom be? No, but you you just need a room. It's like there's only how many places can the bathroom be?

No, but you know what? This is a remarkably big room. It's not a room. It's like a three bedroom flat. Okay. It's really big.

In hindsight, I was like, fuck, I should have got a bedroom to stay here because it would have been a two man job. We could have figured out more things together.

We could have held it for you. Yeah. So I find the toilet great. go back to bed, sorted. Okay, great. Excellent. Great. And again, just everyone listening, just picture this, with the time difference, wife and child

up. Probably up by now. Greeting the day at this point. It's breakfast time. They piss their pants. Imagine if I'd have rung my wife going, where's the toilet? So then I get up. So that's the drama of that night done with.

So all good. All good. Yeah, yeah. I think we can all agree. All good. How many days were you in Liverpool for? So this is like, that's a total of, I think on the total of 52 hours on a plane and then like 36 hours on the ground.

And then you went back and you came back. Yeah, straight back. So in the morning I got up, I went, I weirdly went back to Liverpool. I got a cab. I went back to the stadium. Sorry. I went back to Anfield. Went back, retraced my steps, went back and went on the stadium tour.

And so I went to see everything sober. And very cool. Got to go down past the pitch and go through the museum and inside the change room. Couldn't give a shit about that. Yeah, sorry. You're losing me now. You couldn't go on a Beatles tour. You're losing me now.

Sorry, I gave you exciting stuff for half an hour. Come on, let him have this. He's just pissed himself. He deserves a nice treat. You could have gone to Strawberry Fields, man. Yeah, well, that's it. That's it. All the Beatles. Anyway, go on. All the Beatles stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could have gone to Strawberry Fields, man. Yeah, yeah, well, that's it. That's it. All the little, anyway, go on.

All the little stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what else was there? So, yeah, so that was the major drama. So then did all that stuff and then just went straight to Manchester and then had to get up and meet, like, got in the hotel and then had to get up at 3 a.m. and get on the plane and go home. And would you say this has all been worth it?

Well, I didn't have anything else to talk about on this episode, so I guess, yeah. Yeah. And they don't have grand finals in soccer, do they? It's just a score at the end of the thing, isn't it? It's different. The difference is the league season, the normal season, the home and away season, as you would say in Australia,

is just whoever wins the most games, the most points. Then they've got separate cup competitions, which are knockout cups, which is like having little finals every time, that sort of thing. So this is more of a league season. They have 38 matches. I saw one of them.

Traditionally, if you play six or seven games, you get a medal if you win the thing. So I feel like I've got my mini little medal for being one part of it, for being one game. I've done my one appearance out of 38. I'm part of the season. Would you ever do this, Tommy, for anything, like a sporting event? You're not into sport.

What about music? Not a sporting event. Yeah, I probably would for music. If it was like a band that I really loved, maybe doing a one-off reunion or like their last ever thing. I thought of for music. If it was like a band that I really loved, maybe doing a one-off reunion or like their last ever thing. I thought of that too. Well, you know, they were talking about the Smiths getting back together. I'd do it for that.

Really? I couldn't think of much more I'd do it for. Yeah. Denise? No. No, I can't think of... Something that you're so passionate about that you would go... But travelling, the other thing as well is like, you know,

I think Australia has a lot of cultural cringe. You know, you sort of think of everywhere else on TV and you go, oh, man, everywhere is amazing. My time spent in Liverpool and Manchester. It's not amazing. Fucking hell. You know, I know they invented everything in England, but why didn't you invent some fucking better cities?

Because there's some shitholes going on over there. Hang on. You haven't really spent much time there and you've been running through the streets. Like you stole something. There's an argument to be made that for 24 hours you were the worst parts of those cities. Yes. I reckon they'd be pretty happy to never see you again. I'm a fake leather jacket Aussie guy.

I'm pissing myself. You go up above. Last time I was there, we went up to the Lake District, which is above all those areas, and that's amazing, just below Scotland, with Adrian's Wall and all that. That's amazing. But when you come down, there is a distinct difference when you get close to Manchester and Liverpool.

There's just heaps of guys in tracksuits. Yes. At service stations and kebab shops. Yeah, a lot of jewellery going on. So I spent about four hours in Manchester thinking, I'll go and see the sights, and fuck it all. I thought it was going to be better. It wasn't much better.

So I thought, I'll go and do something quintessentially English. Like, to be honest, every meal I ate, I've got a bit of a thing for Greg's Bakery, which is an excellent bakery. Is Greg's Bakery like a chain? Yeah. Chain of right. Yeah, British.

It's good. It's not just one good baker in England. It's like a chain. So I like to go there. And then what I've got a real thing for, and we talked about this in the English episodes last year, but they do sandwiches really well, I reckon, in England. And they're like servo sandwiches, but like everywhere. Yeah, they're always in a packet.

Yeah, and they have the they're like servo sandwiches but like they're always in a packet yeah yeah they're and they're cheap it's basically the only thing you would survive on if you weren't making good money over there yeah and so they're in they've got sandwich shops then you can start to buy sandwiches in different places in news agents you get them in wh smith which i always find weird that you can combine eating and magazines and newspapers but whatever but i like my ones from boots from the chemist, because I find that so great that you can buy your lunch from a chemist. And also a little part of me thinks this must be good for me. If I'm buying sandwiches from a chemist,

surely that's some form of medicine maybe? If you pass the test of being a sandwich in a chemist... That's coronavirus material right there. A sandwich at the chemist. And also those sandwiches are made in a warehouse probably miles away. They've been sitting there for a long time. No, they're pretty fresh. They're good.

I like them. So you're getting the jelly beans from an Australian chemist and going, hmm, health beans. Yes, yes. Yummy. Yes. But you've got to pass the test if you're a sandwich in one of them anyway, I think.

So I've only eaten sandwiches and free food from Anfield at this point. Oh my God. So, I go, my last night in Manchester, I'm like, you know what, I'll do the quintessential English experience. Well, I was going to go to a pub and then we had an experience last year. There's a big chain called Wetherspoons and it's like packed, but it's the fucking worst

pub in the world because they make everything for like a pound, but everything's the worst food and it's all the foods like shipped in from they're not preparing it there yeah they pre-prepare it yeah it's the worst food they're in bags it's in bags the worst food in england and that's yeah it's really bad so i go i'm gonna go and do a fish and chip shop so i go yeah but they have a nice though yeah i don't need fried fried fish but I'm like, well, I asked for grilled, and they're like, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

I don't know what that is. No, no, no. So I'm like, you know what? All right, I'll get the fry-up. I'll get the fish and the chips and the mushy peas and get a lot of it. Cool, I go in there, and it looks a bit – it doesn't look great in there, but I'm like, well, this is more traditional. You don't want to go with something fancy.

So I go in there, and it's literally just me in there but i'm like well this is more this is more traditional you don't want to go something fancy so i go in there and and it's literally just me in there and they bring the food out and then someone else orders at the same time and they sit right next to me which you know is that like that terrible train or tram experience where you can sit anywhere and then someone comes to sit next to you i'm like this is fucked yeah so i'm sitting there eating and they bring out the fried up fish it's the fucking worst meal I've ever had in my life. It's absolutely terrible. Terrible, yeah. Actually, the chips weren't too bad, but mushy peas and fish, worst bit of fish I've ever

had in my life. Really? Yeah, because it's all buddy haddock and stuff. It's not cod. Yeah, cod. It had cod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So.

It's not good. We do the best fish and chips. Yes. Yeah. It's excellent. We do. So then the people next to me, and honest to God, the people next to me And honestly God The people next to me Were someone

Eating Having this Fellow terrible meal But one of them Was having an intervention With the other one About them being on meth Great

Excellent That's worth That's worth a price That's my That was my dinner That was my last dinner That was my double date My last night in the UK

You should go to Curry They do good Currys in England Yeah You know what I was looking for Well you didn't have a lot of time Yeah yeah yeah There's Curry places everywhere

I was sick of walking around Like you know what I asked the concierge Where's a good place to go And he went Oh just this area I guess And I looked at that area And that area was

Fucking shithouse Yeah Someone's suddenly in a hotel with a concierge. Someone's moving up in the world. It was great, actually. Tried to ask the bin in Liverpool where to go and eat. Yeah, so then that was it.

What an adventure. That's a remarkable story. You can tell Baby Blanket about this one day. Remember when I was away? You were away a lot, Daddy. That's it. Because I came back in the door after that. So then, you know, 26 hours on the flight on the way home.

And then I walk in the door. I'm like, oh, my God, what a trip. And then my wife's like, what are you fucking talking about? I've been working full time and looking after the baby. Yeah. Does she engage in the story? No. Is she interested at all in hearing?

She just... This is a very cathartic place for you then, the podcast. I think you're right, Dana. No, you know what it is? She let me go. She told me this like honestly yesterday or the day before. She let me go because she'd seen a psychologist that she told the psychologist all about me

and then all about herself. And the psychologist went, this is the sort of sociopath your husband is. This is how you deal with him. They've nailed you. This is how you have to deal with him. He's like, and they color-coded me as well. Wow. What are you, a grey colour-coded me as well. Wow.

What, are you a grey? How do you colour-code people? I don't understand. That's what I was asking. But what does the colour mean? What does that mean? I'm sure the psychologist's advice would let him go and do this one thing and he'll get it out of his system.

Is that what they advise? Something like that. Well, don't go to that psychologist again. You've got nothing out of your system. I can tell. I think it was something like, you know, it was like saying, basically, you're yellow, which means you're a nice person. He's purple, which means he's a bit fucked in the head.

So don't scare him or anger him because you'll fucking lose his mind. So just go along with whatever hostage drama you're involved in. I don't think these were the exact words. Yeah. I can't imagine it's far off. I'm starting to worry about you in that hotel being described by a psychologist as a maniac. Who has to be left alone. Was your wife in a refuge centre at this point?

Seeking, well, how long were you gone for? How many days were you actually gone for? So that was gone 10.30 Sunday night and home. Thursday night, right? Sunday night and Thursday night. That's incredible. Thursday 8.30 and then I went straight to the gig that I run on. Oh, that's a bad.

You could have got someone to do that for you. Someone was there, but I like to check in. Classic purple behaviour Purple behaviour Controlling Controlling Exactly Sociopathic

Controlling Well by 10.30 at night I know that my wife and child Are in bed So I'm like You know what I might as well Oh excuse me

That's like John's like Well what's the point Of me being here You would have just Been in bed Like why would It's like No It's like, well, what's the point of me being here? You would have just been in bed. It's like, no.

Yeah, well, to be fair, then I get a call at midnight going, aren't you home yet? I can track the plane. You got in at 8.30. I'm like, oh, yeah, okay. So you go straight from the airport. To the gate. Oh, wow. In the leather jacket.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's psychology. It's like, you don't, wow. Yeah. Yeah, that's not cool. It's like, you don't even have an excuse. No, that's not cool. You didn't even wait around for your luggage. There was no check-in luggage. I like that earlier in the episode, you're like,

now I'd better be careful what I say, because some of my wife's colleagues listen to this shit. And then all of a sudden, it's like, anyway, I'm blind drunk, pissing my pants in a hotel room. Hey, I'll tell you after the show the bit I left out. Don't worry. Hey, I'll tell you after the show the bit I left out. Don't worry. Oh, wow. But do you know what?

My wife tracks me and all the teenage kids on Find My Phone. No. Yeah, yeah. So she can ring me up. She rings me up once and goes, are you in a McDonald's drive-thru? How do you do that? You didn't need Find My Phone to work, did you? Just look at me.

Is that an app or something? Yeah, it's an app. It's an app. And I can see. Because it's good or something? Yeah, it's an app. It's an app and I can see... Look out. Because it's good for teenagers because you see where your kids are. Oh, no, but you don't want to know where your teenage kids are. No, you don't really in a way, do you?

Well, it's just a nightmare. But I was in a drive-thru. I said the car had broken down. Great. A group of guys that I went to high school with... The car had broken down halfway through a drive-thru. Yeah, it was incredible. A group of guys that I went to high school with had that all on their phones

when we were about 21 or so. It's just this like, just bros wanting to know where their mates are at at any given time. And one of them in the group, they would notice like, Sunday mornings really early, he was always in this one spot.

And they were thinking, oh yeah, he's met this, he must have met a girl. It's like, this is like Sunday, Saturday night, going back to her place. When are we going to find out? And then one day he's like, guys, I've got something to tell you.

And they're like, yeah, yeah, got a new girlfriend. Yeah, we worked out from Find My Phone. He's like, no, I've found God. I've been going to church. I've been going to church every Sunday morning. They're like, oh, that's way less spicy. Oh, I can't believe you can follow people. I mean, is that normal?

I think with parents. You can't do that with anyone. You need their permission on their phones. But with parents and kids. So I'd have to say to John. Yeah, but you could do it to his phone without him. You could hide it inside his red nose and then you could follow him around. But John wouldn't even know.

You get onto his phone and you just attach it. Yeah, it's easy to do. Let's you and me do it, Denise. He can know where I am at any given time. Well, it's really exciting where I'm at my house, lying on my bed, binge-watching Netflix. There's just no question. Studio 10 occasionally?

You're at Studio 10? No, no. Once a year you're at Spicks and Specks? Yeah, big outing there. Big outing. Yep. All right, well, I guess we'd better wrap it up. Yeah, it's been a mammoth journey. It's been like a Sunday night telly movie

It's really been Like Mentally exhausted I sort of knew the bulk of what was coming And it's worn me out too It's really made me feel ill And the whole thing Has just really triggered something

It's actually sweated me up And I knew what was happening It's already happened to me. This is my quick question before we wrap up. It must feel like you said to me the other day, like, oh, I'm trying to get through jet lag and I'm amazed that you were even over there for long enough. You know what I mean?

For the effects of jet. Does it feel real or does it just feel like a weird... To just be there for like a day and a half. Yeah, yeah. It must just feel like a weird fever dream. Yeah, it does a little bit. Because most of the time I'm on a plane. So that's...

It's sort of like being in jail for a long time. Yes, right, right. Like I've only been conscious on the other side of a planet for not that long. To go to the other side of the world and back inside a week. Within a week and a half. Inside four days. Yeah. Like... Sorry, within a week and a half. Inside four days. Yeah. Sorry, half a week.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's crazy stuff. It's less than four days. Yeah. I left 10.30 Sunday and I landed 8.30 Thursday. So that's less than four days. You're like a drug mule. That's what they do.

Yeah, well, I know. But that's the thing that we were worried about. We were like, you know, if I walk in in a backpack Nothing to pack in And they're saying to me At the gates Through customs They go How long are you going to be here for

And I go One day And they go What And I go One day And he goes Right

And then he looks It just scans my form And he's like Why are you here for one day I go Is this to see a match And he's like What sort of match

I go football And he goes One day and i go yes and then he looks and he looks at my car my customs card or whatever it is where you've got to put the occupation and i used to always put designer because i never want to put comedian because that it means questions and for the last two trips i've changed it i've gone you know what i'm put writer now. And so this guy's like, where are you going? What match are you going? And then he gets to that and then he goes, and then he sees occupation writer. And without pointing at it, he just goes, okay,

like this is the final test. He goes, name a book you've written. Moby Dick. God. American Psycho on the subject of it. Autobiography. Science of the Lands. My life in a fake leather jacket.

All right, we better wrap it up. Denise Scott, Dave O'Neill, thank you so much for joining us. No problem. Thank you. Sorry to put you through that. That was great. I loved it. Been to hell and back.

I feel like I included you on The Amazing Race without you actually being in it. Fabulous. Dave, what have you got? My podcast, The Debrief, which you've all been on, and the one I do with Glenn Robbins, Somehow Related. I'm doing a comedy festival show if you're in Melbourne, Generation XXL,

at the excellent Basement Comedy European Beer Cafe. European Beer Cafe. You're doing two weeks. It's called Generation XXL, March 28th till... Yeah, the first weeks, first couple of weeks. First couple of weeks, 28th yeah the first weeks first couple weeks

great DaveO'Neill.com yeah yeah just look through the comedy festival yeah all new material great

well yeah there's definitely a percentage of new material cool you could probably use some of Ray's

five oh yes Ray Badger I love Ray Badger. Yeah, yeah. I love Ray Badger. Do a bit of local gear on Chiswick or wherever the fuck he lives over there. Denise, anything you'd like to plug? No, I'm doing a gig at your place.

Oh, yeah. When this episode comes out, you are headlining my Thursday comedy club the next day on the Thursday. Right. For all of you people that are listening from five years later, this means nothing. It would have been great and you missed out. It would have been great. She killed. Absolutely killed. And Carl's in prison now.

He was finally found out. She's got some great new gear about this fucking idiot she knows that went halfway around the world. Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates. See you poofs. And they've done it again. They've done it again.

Jinx, you owe me a cup. Wow, I haven't been jinxed in a very, very long time. Feels good, doesn't it? How would you do it at school? Because for us it was, you'd get jinxed and then you couldn't talk. And the only way I think you were allowed to talk is if the person who jinxed you had to grant you your freedom. Genie in Aladdin style. I think I only was aware of the jinxing ironically later on as I was older.

Oh, really? I don't think it was ever a real thing. Oh, it was legit. I never took it seriously. It was legit for me. It was like, you weren't allowed talk, and if you did talk, the person who jinxed you was allowed to punch you. Right.

And this would just go on for as long. You were just basically their slave. Right. You had to follow them around and beg, beg for their mercy for them to say your name and to let you off the hook. Oh, wow. It's amazing that that never came across your desk because it seems right up your alley.

Yeah, yeah. What a shame. Power, violence. It's like, you know, when I was a kid, having an iPhone would have been cool too, but unfortunately it wasn't invented then. You know what? Let us know. I would be interested to know is that was maybe that jinx evolved

in the decade gap between you and I being at school? Or is this just a regional and I being at school? Do you think that... Or is this just a regional thing specific to my school? Do you think it's got anything to do with... I remember it popping up on The Simpsons. Do you think it's an Americanisation thing? Because it's certainly not an Australian thing. But the saying the name thing?

The, like, not being allowed to talk? Was that on The Simpsons? I think so. Was it really? I think so. Yeah, maybe it is something to do with that. I think it is. I think it's an American,

well, it's definitely an American thing because it was on The Simpsons. Yes. So I think that's how you got it in a way. Okay. I'm pretty sure. Yeah, interesting. Well, let us know, folks.

It's a bit of a Halloween thing. The bit jinxing someone? Yeah, like just American culture seeping through the TV to Australia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Halloween still struggling to get a real stronghold on Australia. But doing a little bit more every year. Yeah, it goes alright. It goes alright.

If I was a kid, I'd be fucking... When I was a kid, I would have been absolutely killing for it. For the amount that we have now. Bring it on. Yeah. I was like seeing it going, why can't we do it? What a fucking great idea. I think I'm basing that thought on last Halloween.

I went and had a drink at a bar that's got like an outdoor bit. And it's a place on Brunswick Street. And I went there specifically on Halloween night because I was like, I want to people watch. I want to see people in costumes. And then I saw basically no people in costumes. I want to see people in costumes, and then I saw basically no people in costumes. So it's kind of me going, I think I've really overestimated the grip that Halloween has on Australian culture at this point in time. But maybe it'll get there someday.

But let's cross now to Carl at the sports desk. We were talking a lot of soccer in that episode, and what the people want to know is, well, you know, I'll let you answer this question. In terms of, let's put it in soccer or association football terms this week. Bernie has taken the ball on the right wing, cut inside the left back, and just wound up the left peg, smack one from 35 yards out, top opposite corner. Bernie has kicked a big one. I was about to ask you to put it into terms that a layman such as myself would be able

to understand. Yeah, I finalised with it, but that's it. This is a big one. That was a big one. This is as big as last week's one. Yeah. I think. In both quality and length. Yes. one this is a big one that was a big one this is as big as last week's one yeah i think in both uh

quality and length yes so we should keep this one short especially since we're recording this at midnight yes i'm fucked yeah me too um day for us let's yes we have done a bit of stuff today so let's let's get the bare bones out of the way first uh A few little, maybe a few little add-ons to the story that we talked about just then on the episode, the story of my UK trip. A few little things, just minor little things that I didn't quite squeeze in that didn't particularly need to be in there. But look, I'm going to, I didn't say this, that the end of the trip, and maybe I talked about this last week, but it is slightly funny that the end of the trip and maybe i talked about this last week but it is it is slightly funny that the end of the trip was uh so manchester to doha yep then doha to adelaide

yep adelaide melbourne adelaide melbourne so it was doha to adelaide very funny it is just funny to be in qatar to be in do, and to be lining up at a desk going and people yelling out, anyone going to Adelaide? I cannot believe that that's a leg that exists. Yeah. That's insane. Yes, I agree. It's bizarre.

I agree. I found it very funny. Yeah. And I got on the plane and look, we're talking in the show about me begging and lining up for business class and whatever. Just no questions asked about that leg. It was like, come on in. I was in a cabin by myself.

Plenty of space. There was two cabins of business class. I was in one by myself. Great. It was all empty business class cabins. Fucking loving it. Great. And then the curtain business class cabins. Fucking loving it. Great. And then the curtain opened to the fucking just great unwashed coach.

I looked back there. There was not too many people going to Adelaide. I guess that's what you want though. Maybe this is for the future. Next time I go to Europe, that's probably not a bad way to do it. Yeah. Because then you're a good chance you're going to get a roadie yourself. Yes. And that's bootleg. I've always said it. That's way to do it. Yeah. Because then you're a good chance you're going to get a row to yourself. Yes.

And that's bootleg. I've always said it. That's bootleg business class. Yeah. You get that, be able to, like, stretch out across the row. Good point. So maybe that's what the smart money's on. That is good.

That is a good idea. I've got to start doing more travel hack stuff like that. Yeah. Just be a little bit sneakier about the route that I'm taking. Yeah. I mean, okay, you're going to Europe for $1,200 for whatever it is, and then, you know, add on $65 for a Jetstar

at Adelaide to Melbourne. Yep, yep. Fucking why not? Why not? Why not? The only problem was I get to Adelaide, things are postponed.

All of a sudden, I'm on standby. I've been fine the whole way, obviously, as I've been telling. Oh, standby Adelaide, Melbourne. Standby Adelaide, Melbourne. Oh, God. Then it hits Melbourne. Standby Adelaide, Melbourne. Oh, God. Then it hits me.

You can't go on. Too many people trying to get the fuck out of Adelaide. Yeah. So you did miss a couple? Yes. Wow. Including one that I missed because I was at the wrong gate. Yep.

Yep. Standard stuff. Yep. Just me hanging out there going yeah, this is it's taking a while to board. Oh, that'd be because I'm at the wrong plane. Surprising that that didn't happen earlier in the story. In the episode when you were talking

about being at the train station and being at Greg's. Yeah. I thought that was leading up to like oh my god, you're just in a fucking bakery for six hours. No. Not looking at the clock and you've something

just the way you were telling it I was like oh no they did just eat into time whereas then all of a sudden time did matter later on in the story

yes yes yes yep so yeah went to Adelaide hang out in the Adelaide airport for a couple of hours so that was nice

it is a nice airport I'll give them that it is they have closed off a lot at the moment it's not oh moment it's not oh really it's not actually

the best airport doing some building they are doing some building ah okay yeah but classic but yeah not too bad

so that was all well and good I would say the business class of the airline that I went on which I'm not sure whether I should advertise or not I really don't know

whether I'd be in trouble or this is a good thing but look absolutely excellent service I would say if you can figure out who it is from my descriptions which is really not too hard to be quite honest.

Not too hard at all. No. Basically, if you haven't been able to work it out, you're a fucking idiot. You may not have ever left the ground. Yep. So, absolutely excellent treatment. And, you know, look, I'm a little bit scared to go back to normal because after now copying three business classes in two days. Yeah, it ruins you.

Man, it was so good. I've done it one return trip to London and it did fuck me for a long time after that. Yeah. The stewardesses, if I'm allowed to say that. I don't believe that you are. Right. But carry on. What should I say flight attendant oh right okay

okay flight attendant what uh very good stuff just just beyond i mean i know that obviously they're taught to be like this but just over the top yeah nice and and and like they were like out of their way almost rude in the way of going well what do you want now? And I'm like no I'm fine. They're like no come on.

I'm like no no no I'm fine. I'm used to being back there really just you talking to me is plenty. Well they're going they're saying to me

you must want something else. Like you've got free booze. You've got free food. Anytime you want anything, you just have to hit a button. You can order five main meals at the moment and six drinks. So, are you doing that or not? And I'm like, I'll have a water, thanks. And they were just like, but what else do you want?

It's like they've never had someone on there not just absolutely taking the piss. Yeah. And I said that to my wife later on. And they're like, yeah, they would basically be frustrated. They're like, no, but this is when we usually do all this stuff. Like, we've got nothing else to do. We're up in the air for fucking 16 hours. I'll go and get you a drink.

Yeah, they can't sit there and watch a movie. They don't have the luxury of cracking open a book. They're almost confused. They're almost like, are we doing something wrong here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. there and watch a movie. They don't have the luxury of cracking open a book. They're almost confused. They're almost like, are we doing something wrong here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's free. Do you think this is going to be shit? Or what the fuck?

You're just reading. You're not even watching any movies. You're reading a book. What the fuck's wrong with you? What a waste. Yeah, yeah, so. Not reclining the seat. Yeah.

Trying to, like, put stuff in front of you to make it more cramped. Trying to sit people on the same seat as me. Yeah. Yeah. No, so it was lovely. And all the food and all the – yeah, I didn't drink on the plane. So they were a bit annoyed by all that. One more little bit of business.

For long-time listeners, we were talking – there has been no updates about Greg Larson's Rat World for quite a while. Oh, yeah. The indoor soccer slash futsal side of comedians in Melbourne that we banded together, a bunch of friends of the show, are involved. We've brought it back. Yep. We had a bit of a break there for six, eight months.

It was just too many weeks where people were late. You start a social sports team. All of a sudden, someone's busy at a wedding. Someone's doing some Sunday drinks, someone's doing an interstate gig, all of a sudden we've got two players and we've cancelled for the sixth week in a row and the people are ringing us up going, are you cunts fucking for real? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You haven't played Reggio and now you've cancelled six weeks in a row on the day. Yep. Yep. That's how it goes. What time's on next week? Yep. Sunday afternoon, that's the risk you run. Yep. So they said, yep, what time's on next week? Yep, Sunday afternoon, that's the risk you run.

Yep, so they said, can you please not play for us anymore? And we're like, okay. So this year we've got, alright,

we're back. You're back. We're back. A couple of us have pushed it. I've pushed it certainly because I've been doing a fair bit of running and I'm like,

you know what, I don't want to waste this. I want to play soccer and play well now that I'm fit at the moment. Let's do this. Second week back. Second week back. Second week back.

This week just gone. We've done a couple of friendlies. We're not proper in the league yet. I think they're sort of feeling us out to see what division they're going to put us in. Had a friendly last week. 10-1 win. Nice. Easy.

Got very confident this week. 6-5 loss. 6-1 down at halftime. Got back to 6-5. But here's the thing that drove me nuts. We lost to a team playing entirely... Look, there's going to be a mix of uniforms. Our uniforms are like Thailand national team knockoff tops

that I bought in Samui. Within a week, one person's lost one. One person's decided it's the wrong size for them. All of a sudden, we've got about two or three players. Now you're all mismatched. We're all mismatched. The other team exactly the same what what really annoyed me was we were getting towed six one by this team at halftime their uniform is black so they're just wearing like black you know like training kits just whatever just exercise

tops one bloke was wearing a black Elvis Presley cotton t-shirt. I was like, we're getting shit on by some cunt wearing the worst shirt he could find at the St. Vinny's op shop. Just one photo of Elvis on the front of the shirt. Yeah, yeah. Great. Just like the sort of thing a fucking, an absolute... Person who likes Elvis would wear? No, an absolute fat darrow American half homeless person would wear? No, an absolute fat, derro, American, half-homeless person would wear it.

Yeah, okay. If you tried to find the worst op shop shirt in an entire store, this guy was wearing it and fucking whipping our asses. Great. Fuck, this is really rubbing my nose in this. Fuck it, shit me. And I was getting really mad about it. And Oliver, a friend of the show, Oliver Cloak was playing on the same team.

And I was like saying to him at halftime he's just fucking shitting me and he was just laughing going i love it actually yeah i really am enjoying this yeah would it have annoyed you more or less if the entire team had been wearing that matching elvis presley t-shirt that could be you need to get a new kit now it sounds like if most people in your team have lost theirs yeah this. This is a great opportunity. Man. Just get some Elvis Presley merch and make that. But you know the sort of.

The team is called Greg Larson's Rat World, and then the kit is just T-shirts with pictures of Elvis. Fuck. Inexplicably. Fuck. Not Greg Larson or rat related at all. Yeah. And the guy was like, he was, you know,

like everything you're wearing is like, you're playing sport, you're wearing breathable stuff. You're wearing sports sort of, you know, sporting wear. Yeah, just like a fashion T-shirt is like brutal. But you know the sort of like thick cotton. No, I know. Really thick stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the guy at one stage, they're whipping us, and the guy turned around to me and goes, gee, it's a bit hot. And I'm like, yeah, look at what you're wearing. You're not wearing a fucking soccer top. Yeah, you've got to get the Elvis tees as kids. And also, you're running around a lot more than us because you're fucking kicking our asses.

You've got to get the Elvis tees as kids. And if anyone asks, then you can just say, well, Greg Larson was a... Didn't you know that? He produced a bunch of Elvis' hits. Yeah. And Rat World was like an obscure Elvis, like B-side, very popular. We're all big Elvis heads.

Yeah, and also when Elvis died, he weighed the same as Greg Larson does at the moment. So, yeah. All right. Well, let's get into this segment. Let's not do a late one. As we said, it's midnight. It's after midnight now. Guys, thank you very much for all of you that listened,

but particularly the people who monetized this show for us to make it worth our while, that put not only a smile on our faces, but a reason to live, a reason to come in to work. Yep. A reason to call this work. Yes. You wouldn't really call it work if you're not getting paid for something.

No. So thank you very much for giving us a career in here. Yep. Inspiring us to produce not only content, but better content than when we were doing it for nothing. I think that's fair. Yeah. Yep.

Thank you very much. So anyone that listens That doesn't subscribe That doesn't pay on Patreon Yeah That thinks man this show gets better It just keeps getting better and better Yeah

Good on you Tommy and Carl Yeah It's not us you need to be thanking Yes It's the people giving us money Yeah That inspired us to finally start Wanting to make this good

Yeah You're out there You're getting this You're getting this great show for free Yeah You're getting a fucking absolute You're taking us to the this good. Yeah. You're out there. You're getting this great show for free. Yeah. You're getting a fucking absolute... You're taking us to the cleaners here. Yeah.

You're absolute pieces of shit. You're getting quality content on someone else's dime. Yeah. You're pirate baying this show. Yes. Yeah. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I did a bit of pirate baying the other day that I haven't done for a long time. Didn't treat my computer too well. What do you mean? I had problems. I hadn't done it for ages. Hadn't tried to get like a dodgy movie. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hadn't tried to get a dodgy movie for ages but couldn't find it anywhere else but there.

Got on there. Did not treat my computer well. Man, yeah, I've been back into it a bit really the only stuff i ever torrent is hbo stuff because it's kind of like the one thing that doesn't reliably show up on a streaming service of some description in this country at least it's still hard to legitimately get your hands on um and yeah man it's just my computer is just fucking riddled and i don't know what to do about it. I genuinely, this is very lazy.

I did the other day go, you know what? Maybe it's just time to get a new computer because I can't be fucked dealing with this. I mean, I have had this for about five or six years now. So I probably am more or less due. But just like this, I can't be fucked working with the antivirus stuff. It probably just is easier to throw this into the Yarra and go and get a new one yeah and and then that'll be good for a day and then i'll get the new curb your enthusiasm it'll fuck my new computer all over again yeah well that's that's what and that's the thing that shit me particularly because it's it's it fucked me for

a while and it was a movie i absolutely did not want to see. What was it? But I had to see for a thing. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. It was for another project, for another thing I had to do. I had to watch the movie Titanic. Was this... You really couldn't find that on anything else? Is that not on Netflix or whatever?

No, I couldn't find it. It's not on anything like that. Interesting. Yeah. So I just thought, oh, this is easy. Do it on this fucking... It absolutely turned my computer, put my computer straight into a fucking iceberg, basically.

Fucking hell. Brutal. Also, shit movie. Genuinely not a good movie. Because you'd never seen it until then. No. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I haven't re-watched

it in over a decade yeah i don't think yeah i don't think i'd find it good now but there was something about the i mean you would remember when it was coming out it was such an event yes the scale of it was impressive yes but now every second movie that come remember back in the day when it was like, there'd be one film that was like a big blockbuster that was like very impressive visually and everything.

Maybe one of them a year. Yep. You'd have like Titanic or Gladiator and then that would be it. Yep. And now it's like once a month. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a film of that scale. For sure, for sure. All right, let's get into this. Let's do it. Like we were saying, thank you to everyone who listens, but particularly the people funding this.

You're like... What's the old days where you'd have like a poet and you'd have like a... Not a sponsor. What would you call it back then? Oh, God. Like a... Yeah, I don't know. It'd be some duke or someone with a bunch of money that would be...

Basically, whatever the ye olde version of sponsoring means would be doing that. He's basically got you on a retainer to keep churning out the poems. Yes. That's us. Yes, that's us. That's you. You guys are all dukes out there. Yeah.

Thank you. So the way that we say thank you in our own inimitable style is every week we fire up the unplanned title alternator and we read out a different number of names every week. Of course, you also get a free bonus episode every month and a free bonus magazine every month. They've been very good in quality. Look into getting it, guys. Yep. It's late night, guys.

I don't usually do this, but I'm going to put it out there. I'm going to say, looking at the clock, I reckon we've got time for about a few, I reckon. Starting to nod off. For about a few. Midway through saying the number. Yeah, about a few or a few more. Well, I took a... Maybe a couple of few.

I took a sleeping pill just before you got here. Oh, really? So I'm really racing against the clock. Right, okay. All right, all right. We'll see. Well, we'll stop whenever you're asleep. Yeah.

Okay, great. We'll do that. That's the way we'll... Great. You'll know when to read the last name out when you hear me snoring. Right, great. Great, perfect. Going against the body clock.

Yeah. Racing against the body clock. Yeah. Racing against the body clock. Oh, I can feel myself starting to get a bit drowsy already. let's do this quick. Thank you to Patreon subscriber number one, a cab off the rank this week. Thank you to,

Zach Winfrey. Hmm. One of the, I wonder if, one of the most famous Winfrey's I've ever heard of. Yeah, do you think any relation? Any relation to,

to who? Um, to Zach De La Roca? Yes. No, because it's only the first name. You can't be related through the first name. Well, no, we've discussed this before. You could be if it was by marriage. Oh, okay.

You know, in a bizarre coincidence. Right. Okay, well, it wouldn't be my first thought. So I'm going to say probably not related to Zack Delaroca. Okay. Rage Against the Machine. If that answers your question that you were going to ask, if that does answer your question.

That was the question I was going to ask. That was the question. Yeah. Great, okay. Is Zack Winfrey related to Zack Delaroca from Rage Against the Machine? Right, right, right. Yeah. Again, I can't be comprehensive.

I don't know everything. No. I'll put it the Machine. Yeah. Again, I can't be comprehensive. I don't know everything. No. I'll put it out there. Yeah. But my educated guess would be no. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What would you say?

Having said that, my education is Maryborough High School. I was going to say, what is it about that guess that makes it in any way educated? Boy, there'll be egg on your face when this guy comes back and goes, boys, you're not going to believe it. When he comes back and said, fuck you, you're going to do what I told you. Yep. You're going to apologize on the show and say, I am the brother of Zach De La Roca for some reason

because there were two brothers called Zach. We thought, this is fucking bizarre. This is too confusing. One of us is going to have to change our name. Yep. Our surname. I'm sure it's happened. Yeah.

It's a crazy world out there. I'm sure it's happened. I'd love to see one instance of that happening. Do you like Rage Against the Machine? I have to say, I really didn't like that song when it came out because it was one of those, however this works psychologically or whatever, but when people, it was like me not liking Guns N' Roses when they were out because a lot of fuckheads liked it.

So a lot of people got heavily into a song that was like, fuck you, you won't do it again. Yeah, it's pretty lame. Yeah. Yeah, that being big at the right age would be pretty lame. It's such a lame, it's such a like, do you want to sound like the shittest 16-year-old rebel of all time? Yes, please.

Well, okay, just scream this at every fucking party. You know what I have a bit of that with? Is Fight For Your Right To Party. Okay. Because it's like similar at like 15, 16 or whatever. Not that it came out then, but I just remember it being like people of my age getting onto it and being like, yeah, man, you want to have a party at mum and just being like, shut up. Right.

Right. That always kind of like took me a long time to appreciate that song. Right. Because of that. Yeah, well, slightly different in the fact that the Raging in the Machine is for real and that song by Beastie Boys is an ironic song. Yeah. But, yeah.

But, you know, interesting with Beastie Boys because that was funny because they were like, this is a joke. You know, the stuff they did before that song, that was their breakout song. But they're taking the piss. Yeah. So all this stuff before that was very underground and whatever and then they did that and then they bought into the characters and like this is funny and they're doing tours every night with like inflatable dicks and all this yeah and then all of a sudden waking up two years later and going we've just been acting like assholes ironically for two years and now we are those people yeah yeah yeah going oh fuck

yeah and then they had to just ditch it all and then their second album was like so completely different that everyone was like no we like the frat boys and they're like sorry but we realized that wasn't us we killed them we forgot that we're not complete cunts i quite liked that rage song i was never that into it growing up but then it was in uh a guitar hero video game that i had and something about playing it on guitar hero made me really like it because i felt like i was in the band i think recently i've been listening whenever i've heard it i've had to respect it and had to go you know what it is a good song it's a good song good anthem yeah a good song. It's a good anthem. Yeah. It's good music. I'm going to have to forget my initial impressions and judging it on people that like it rather than the music.

Yeah. Well, folks, go listen to it, and hopefully some of the money from that stream of you listening to it is heading right back into the bank account of Zach Winfrey. Because he is related, brother of Zach De La Roca and that money is finding its way into our account

so in many ways we're benefiting from that song you're raging for the machine our machine our ATM the unplanned

title thanks Zach thanks Zach thank you to Patreon subscriber Tom Doors I subscriber Tom Doors. I know Tom Doors. Do you?

Yeah, I went to school with him. Do you? Yeah. Spell his last name. D-A-W-S. Fuck, that's the proof. You can go to school with him. The proof is in the pudding.

You went to school with him. Yep. So I'm going to have to... Because you got, obviously, at school, you got quizzed by how to spell everyone's names in your class. Yes. That's everyone's, at school, you got quizzed by how to spell everyone's names in your class. Yes. That's everyone's experience at school at some stage. So I have to declare a conflict of interest with this name. Oh, really?

You can't do much with this. Well, yeah, okay. I'm going to try and... I guess this is so... I've got to kind of disconnect from knowing the man and just focus on the name itself. Why can't you give a bit of detail on the man himself? You must have...

If you went to school with him, give us a bit of high school... I didn't know him particularly well at school because he was... I think he was two years below me. Oh. Yeah. So I kind of mostly know him through a mutual friend.

So is he into this show because he knows you or has he randomly found this show? I believe so. Yeah, I think it's through me. He's listened for a long time. He, yeah, obviously has never been read out before. And I know that he, you know, I've known that he's subscribed for a while. Right. But he's been very patient.

Right. Never brought it up with me when I've seen him. Oh, right. You know, he's happy to... He's happy to sit back and just wait his turn. And I'll bet right now there's... He must... Listening to this, he must be...

The blood rushing to his penis. He must be looking like the cat that got the cream. He'd be absolutely bashing his dickie in the shower door yep going off with the light um no so he was he was two years younger than you so you think he was too well he continues to be two years younger oh okay he's never he's never caught up he's never caught up that's a failing that's a failing of his yeah if he'd wanted to he could have eclipsed me in age by now yeah yeah exactly it's like come on guys just you know you get you get you get a bit of experience in life you know just grow up yeah yeah anyway okay fair enough um so no no social shenanigans no um no uh partying with him

no um no memories no nothing sticking out in your head from going to school with this Tony Dawes? No, to be honest, I don't see all that much of him. Certainly not as much of him as I would like. I see a bit of his cash. I see a bit of his cash. Oh, yeah. Nice. Thanks, Dawes.

Love it. Love it coming in. But if I was to just try and just kind of think about the name itself. to just try and just kind of think about the name itself. God, you've absolutely got not much for this guy, for his history or anything about it. Anything positive? Give me one positive and one negative thing about this Tony Dawes that you claim to know.

Did I say Tony? Oh, Tom. Sorry, Tom Dawes. That would be great if it was just a completely different guy. I'm like, oh, no, hang on. I don't know that guy at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the best feature he's got and the worst feature he's got.

Oh, man. I don't know about his worst feature. He's the guy that I get on with. Just a guy that I like. Well, if you like him, what do you like about him? Very nice, very polite, very kind. Give me something. Give me an example of something. Oh, man. He's so generic and bland about kind. Give me something. Give me an example of something.

He's so generic and bland about this. Give me a feature. Give me a hook. Give me something to hold on to. Let me learn about this man in some way. He's just a chill, mellow dude. Stop saying bad words. Give me something, an edge.

Give me something to hold on to. Give me an experience you had with him that sums him up, that represents if he is a good guy. He held a door open for you once. He fucking put his coat over a puddle for you to walk over. What has he done for you to give you a positive vibe, to give you some sort of good memory? He must have done something.

I mean, most people, Carl, their default is they just kind of like people. They don't have to have elevated themselves by putting a coat over a puddle. But you must have. You can't just say you have zero memory of him doing anything. Just tell me anything. I just get on with him. Anything he's ever done. I see him a couple times a year and I get on with him.

Name one thing he's ever done. I'm not even looking for a positive or negative thing. Now I'm just saying, do you remember seeing him eat a donut? Do you remember seeing him looking out a window one time? He had a bunch of us over to his house a couple of years ago, put on a bit of a spread for us, and it was a really nice time. Okay. I think we played poker.

We played a card game of some description. We had a really nice time. Do you remember anything from the spread? One item of food that you enjoyed? I think he just had beers on the go from memory. All I have to do. Just something. Just paint a picture.

Just something I needed. Something. He gives me money through this. That's very kind of him. You've made me work for this way too hard. Thanks, Tom Dawes. Actually, you know what? I think a good positive of him, he comes to a lot of the live shows that we do.

He just buys a ticket. He just buys tickets and comes along. He's never looking for a freebie. And I'll say to him, man, you should have let me know. I'll put you on the door. And he's like, no, no, I'm happy to pay. That's a good quality. Come up to me next time at a live show, Tom Daw tom doors come up and give me five minutes of your time just give me something

to hold on to give me a memory stronger than what daslo's got of yours for the last 10 years come up and say something to you and i'll and i'll be able to say one day down the track someone will say to me tom doors what do you think of him and i'll be like you know what he came up and he sort of complimented the the handkerchief i had and i'd be like, fuck, I'm not a good guy. I just noticed that thing popping out of my top pocket. What a great attention to detail he has. All of a sudden, I've got a fucking better story than you've got after 10 years. I'm happy for you to have it.

Thanks, Dawza. Thanks, Dawzy. Looking forward to meeting you, buddy. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, next cab of the ring. Just imagining if I didn't know him And it would have been like Oh god Closes the doors and opens the window

Yeah fuck you pal Yeah I'll take that Thank you to Patreon subscriber Michael Watson Oh I know this guy as well You do not No I don't at all

Fuck damn Michael Watson Yeah god It's just a real cookie cutter of a name isn't it Yeah No, not at all. Fuck, damn. Michael Watson. Yeah, God, it's just a real cookie cutter of a name, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, you were on me for struggling to remember anything of note about Tom Dawes, but I've got to say, Michael Watson. Yeah.

Sounds boring as all hell. Well, I'd say this. You know, you've got a family. Your surname's Watson. You go, right, it's pretty bog standard. It's not bad. Don't hate it. No. There's worse names out there.

There certainly is. I don't mind it at all. But if you've got Watson, you've got a nice, like, strong base, a very plain base, let's say. I'd spice it up a bit more than whacking a mic. I absolutely agree. I absolutely agree. If the surname Smith,

what's any of these names, the onus is on you to really go above and beyond with the first name. You've baked yourself a sponge. Put a bit of icing, a few sprinkles. Yes. You know, the perfect analogy.

I've done it again. I'd love to go back through the history of this show and see what my hit rate is with my analogies. I'd love to know that. What do you mean? How would you work that out? Well, I think I'm a pretty frequent inventor of analogies like that, for example. You love an analogy. Yeah.

I'd love to go... So you mean the hit rate in terms of people going, good one, versus people going, what the fuck are you talking about? Exactly. It's not like a sponge at all. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, okay. Wow, someone.

I'd love to see my analogies on Rotten Tomatoes and see the score. Okay. Yeah. Well, folks, if you're listening and you think that that's a task that you're up to, take a bit of a break from polishing the sniper rifle and put that together for us. Go through nearly 500 episodes just finding... Clip it up, send it to us and we can play it at the 500th episode. Wouldn't it be great if you could just do an Apple F

and just go and just put that on the website and just find every single fucking technology I've ever made. Yeah. Stick it in the spreadsheet. I think that technology will exist someday. Oh. The fact that Shazam exists still fucking blows my mind. Yeah.

I can't believe that's real. That is pretty great. So one day we'll have just find and replace audio. Yeah. Yeah. That would be great. Yeah. But anyway.

Until then. We were having a lot of fun. That was a pretty interesting riff we just went on. It was. Brought back down to earth. Back to earth. Michael Watson. Watto.

Jesus fucking Christ. Mike Watson. There's an upgrade right there. No? Mildly. Yeah. Something about Mike is, I mean. I don't mind Mike.

I don't mind Mike either. But it's somehow less interesting than Michael. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, man, you know what? I would upgrade that name by 20%. Really? Changing Michael to Mike, for me, 20%.

You're right. Yeah. No, yeah. Mike Watson. All of a sudden, I'm like, I'm not complaining too much. As much. I'm still complaining a lot. Yeah, okay. It's not All of a sudden, I'm like, I'm not complaining too much, as much. I'm still complaining a lot. Yeah, okay.

It's not changing it a great deal. I agree with you that it's better, but it's not. I'm still absolutely repulsed by it. Look, Michael Watson, I get the feeling, you know, you're thinking, mum and dad, name me this. I've got to stick with this. I'm saying, Michael, be your own man. Grow up. I agree. Yeah, grow up. Become a Mike. Become a Mike. Yep. You know what would be good? You know how like when people say, you know, the microphone,

drop the mic, hand the mic. Yep. But they spell it M-I-C. Yes. Do that. I don't mind that at all. Mike Watson. That's pretty great. M-I-C-W-A-T-S-O-N. Yep. Yep. That's pretty good stuff. Pass the Mike Watson. Thanks, Mike. It should be like you get given a name that's like, yeah, Michael Thomas, like a long name that has various shortened versions. And you're not allowed to go by any of the other shortened versions until your 18th birthday.

Sort of bar mitzvah style. Right. You become an adult and then you stand up there in front of everyone and you go i've made the decision i'm gonna go by tommy right you know what i mean like you get to you get to pick yeah am i gonna be you know mike or am i gonna stick with michael yeah you should you should have to spend your teens kind of working it out yeah yeah thanks mike thanks mike thanks what uh thank you to patreon subscriber got some work ahead of me Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Mike. Thanks, Mike. Thanks, Watto. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

Got some work ahead of me here. Here we go. Good luck, everyone. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Chiharu Nishimoto. Ah, this is another person who I know. This is a, my guess is, this is a Japanese listener that you met in Japan. Yes. The official Japanese schoolgirl of the Little Dungeons Club.

Oh, wow. You met her at the vending machine when you were buying and she was selling? Yes, yes, yes. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah, very nice person. Oh, don't give me this shit. Give me an angle. Oh, oh my god give me something um i talked about her on an episode with fiona that she was uh it's just funny like meeting her and her being like so you did asking about hughesian stuff oh right just in japan with an actual japanese person because she's not an expat or anything she's a genuine genuine japanese person

yes yeah yeah a homegrown dinky die irl yeah japanese person so what did you go to japan and then just go do a bit of a like who's around in japan and then she said me um no i was there and i'd communicated with her before because she emailed us about getting a t-shirt and she'd point, you know, she'd made a great, um, she'd gone to great lengths to point out like, I live in Japan and I'm an actual Japanese person. I'm not an expat, dah, dah, dah. And so I was just fascinated by that. I was like, I want to meet, I got to see what's going on here.

I got to meet this person and find out what this is all about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just like, what are you talking about? You really listen to the show and you're really into like, you know, hearing Grant Denyer and stuff. She's like, yeah. So, yeah. That reminds me. Let's get Grant Denyer back on the show.

Yeah, good idea. Fuck. How do we do that? I want to do that, but it's hard to get into contact with him. But someone get in contact with him. Yes. Because he's in Melbourne shooting Dancing with the Stars as we speak. Ah, yes, of course.

Chiharu, if you happen to see him, it should be your crossing. Go over and ask on our behalf. Yes, yes. And she, you know what, she has recently, this goes back to something I've said many times on the podcast lately. 690,000 yen is what she puts in. Great. She is an internationalist that has bought a shirt

and lately she's hit me up to go, did you send that shirt? And I absolutely did send that shirt quite a while ago. And it's one of those things where it's like well that's gone lost in the mail obviously yeah and uh if you send that nationally you can track that if you send it internationally you gotta pay another 30 dollars or something to be able to track that great stuff which is not going to happen so now it's like okay great um well that's gone and i guess we're sending you another one or something are we or are we going to have to have this shit fight

so again an ad for if you live overseas don't order a fucking shirt I don't want to do it I don't want to fucking sell you a shirt if you're overseas

it is a fucking pain in the ass I've got to make a separate trip to the post office as much as I enjoy going to a degree the post office, my post office at the moment is, and I think I've talked about this,

there's a big – my two worlds combining. It's a Thai guy that I deal with who's a massive obsessed Liverpool fan who I just walk in and he just goes immediately into whatever the latest news is with Liverpool, wants to talk for five minutes. There's lines lining up behind me of people wanting to fucking post stuff, and he just wants to talk about Liverpool with me. Right. He now, there's been lately,

there's been big parcels delivered to the post office, even to my wife. And so my wife's been picking up parcels delivered to her, but because it's got my address on it that he's learnt, he's been writing Liverpool all over the packages, even though it's got my address on it that he's learned he's been writing liverpool all over the packages even though it's not even addressed to me so it's like don't say your name chandler liverpool liverpool liverpool and it was like that's not my address yeah he's just writing it on there going great excuse to write that that word just love just yeah a lot

of people like watching their favorite team or wearing the colors or barracking. This guy just likes writing the word out. That's all he needs. Yeah, yeah. That's kind of sweet. Absolutely loves it. Well, thanks, Chiharu. Yeah, thanks, Chiharu.

And sorry about your shirt. I guess we'll work that out at some stage. We were in the middle of dealing with that. That's right. I believe she did at one stage. I think the reason for her doing it, she ordered a shirt and went, I want it in time. I'm going to go on holidays to Thailand. Oh, right. I believe she did at one stage. I think the reason for her doing it was she ordered a shirt and went I want it in time I'm going to go

on holidays to Thailand. Oh right. Yeah. So your favourite and my favourite worlds combining there.

Japanese person in Thailand. It doesn't get more dumb dumb than that. Yeah. Thanks Sian. Okay.

Well. I can feel this sleeping pill kicking in I thought that I thought that All of a sudden When you got into bed, I thought You know what? This pill's starting to kick in

Yeah, you can see above me There's a log And the saw is on top of it That's in touch Precariously I haven't seen any sawdust come out yet Not yet I haven't seen a splinter

It's just revving up It's just starting to get ready That's it Alright Okay, well we've Okay, here we go Sawdust come out. Not yet. I haven't seen a splinter. It's just revving up. It's just starting to get ready. That's it. All right. Okay. Well, we've... Okay. Here we go.

I've just hit the big red button for the... What? What have I... Fifth? It doesn't matter. This is the last one. It doesn't matter. A couple of few that we've done.

Yeah. Here we... Oh, okay. This is weird. All right. Okay. Right. All right.

Here we go. Funny. Thank you to a Patreon subscriber Nanook Comedy that's weird because you that's a listener

that Chiharu you met in Japan this is when I I met when I was visiting

the Eskimo community and I put the word out and say is there any is there any Eskimos that listen to the show? And Anouk hit me up and we hung out in an igloo and he was asking me about Nick Capper. And I was going, yeah, look,

it would be a great place for him to be right now because it's so cold he wouldn't perspire. And he'd actually be... Is that sleeping pill kicking in or did you just take this story? It's hard to tell. I know. Bit of column A, bit of column B.

All right. Well, thanks, Nanook, and thanks, everyone, who's chipped in on the Patreon, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com for links to our tickets and all that sort of stuff. We've got our solo shows on sale during the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Yes, Tommy Daslow in Meatball, Carl Chandler in Please Call Me Carl, Mr Comedy Was My Father.

Is my father, isn't it? Is my father. Close. Closest you've ever come. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.