The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 493 - Live! Joel Creasey, Fiona O'Loughlin & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: March 18, 2020

Cop this, Adelaide, we've beaten you at your own game! We put a show on sale with 24 hours notice and packed out the room! We're joined by JOEL CREASEY, FIONA O'LOUGHLIN and TOM BALLARD to discuss the current state of the world, Fiona's love life and Karl writing jokes for Joel. It's an absolute ripper show in front of a red hot crowd! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Adelaide with guests Tom Ballard, Joel Creasy and Fiona O'Loughlin. Head to littledumdumclub.com if you want to find more of this rot online, if this is your first time joining us, if you enjoy this episode. Yep, and join our Patreon if you want to give back, of course, you'll hear more about that at the back of the episode in our little segment called Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this great new episode. Recorded over the weekend, Tom Ballard, Joel Creasy and Fiona O'Loughlin. Hey, mates!

Welcome once again into the Little Dundum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler and with me as always is the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickheads. Oh boy, let the record show at home that that was a much rapturous response compared to the stand-up response we got in the show we did before the podcast. Welcome to the stage, these cunts. Who cares? For those at home, you really missed a small smattering earlier.

And a lot of patience being bended. Speaking of patience being bended, just very quickly. Hey, Tech, we are recording, right? We are. Fantastic. I think we'll be the judge of that when we get home. I think about 100,000 people will be the judge of that on Wednesday. Guys, we've out-added-ad-lated you.

We've beaten you at your own fucking game. Put on a podcast with 24 hours notice as the world around us was cancelling events left, right and centre. We are once again the opposite of successful and sensible people. So yeah, for people listening at home that don't know the full set-up, we put this on sale yesterday at about midday? Yeah, about 24 hours before

the show because we know Adelaide only want to buy tickets on the day, so we thought well, we'll fucking see about that. And in 24 hours it outsold the stand-up show that had been on sale for three months so yeah

I mean this is the perfect way of doing it we've got a full room but without the three months of stress of it sitting on 20 sales until 24 hours before yeah I mean to be honest we thought we were just going to come to Adelaide to self-isolate, but... Man, yeah, I mean, there's been some things in the news.

I don't like to go too topical on this podcast, but I feel like when the entire world can relate to it... Well, let me broach it this way, okay? While you were doing your stand-up show, I've come up with a new comedy character. Right. Do you want to hear it? No, let's move on. Okay. So this is a little thing I've cooked up. This is called Coronavirus Husey.

All right, all right. Give me like two seconds to think of what it could be. I reckon I've got it. All right. Yeah, alright. Give me like two seconds to think of what it could be. I reckon I've got it. Alright. Yeah, bloody. Opened a packet of snakes alive the other day. There was only one in there. He's self-isolating.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You still got it. What do you think? Honestly, out of ten? What's a number lower than zero? Minus one. That one.

Okay. No, it's good. It's topical, man. Yeah, thank you. It would have bombed last week, but tonight, right. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Look for that on the gala on Wednesday.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Look for that on the gala on Wednesday. Oh, fuck. For people at home, if we can give you a little bit of... I mean, I think we're allowed to talk about this. I think the people at home know about the coronavirus. Fuck, I thought we were newsbreakers.

We did do stand-up. We did do stand-up. The Melbourne Comedy Festival has been called off for people at home. They'll have noticed that by now because all the thousands of tickets to our solo shows

have been refunded and so it meant that we came to Adelaide to do a last minute pod but we're going to do stand up to work up our shows and whatever it ends up

we're only we're only doing Adelaide and then Brisbane so me and Tommy just did shows that went amazing. And it's just a relief to be halfway through our run now. Oh, the closing night party in 13 hours time is going fucking great. It's just good to reflect halfway through and just have a bit of a rest and we can push on again tomorrow.

How are you feeling about your show at the halfway mark? Got all the pinks ironed out? Man, honestly, honestly, so, you know, I don't want to lean on it too hard because people at home didn't hear the shows, but, I mean, you've got Netflix, you'll see it in 12 months. I had, like, no-one in the room could figure it out, but I had cheat sheets, right?

And they didn't know, right? And I was referring to them with utmost professionalism. When you say cheat sheets, do you mean just, like, a photo of yourself having sex with someone who's not your wife? Just let me refer to my cheat sheet. Yeah, yeah. Pretty nice. Alright, I've remembered the next bit now.

Doesn't count if it's in South Australia. You're allowed to fuck someone else half an hour behind. I don't know. For a half an hour in they're behind. We got there. Yes. We got there. Oh, folks,

everything's going to be okay, honestly. No, sorry, I had those cheat sheets and as I was referring to them, I was like, I sort of did my time because I was going back and forth

with an older couple in the front row who were fucking giving me donuts. But anyway, but I was going off the cheat sheets and whatever and then I got to the end and I was like,

oh yeah, I think that was alright. Then I got off stage and whatever, and then I got to the end and I was like, oh, yeah, I think that was all right. Then I got off stage and realised, I had a whole fucking other sheet of jokes I completely forgot to do. And we don't usually do, you know, comedy on this podcast. No, it's rare. Should I do a couple of them just to get some out there? Because, like, I'm not going to be able to

I think I feel a fever coming on everyone out You've got to do I didn't get to hear any of your show because I was like outside You can't say I didn't get to hear it when you choose not to I had to be on the other side of the door holding it closed because we're in a very

reputable establishment where the door just blows open if someone's not on the other side of it holding it shut. And when your solo show went on, I was doing the same job and I could still fucking hear your show. You were out there gasbagging with one of our guests. That's what you were doing. Yeah, he's my friend.

I was having a good time catching up with him. I'm your friend too and you just missed out on 50% of the entire run of my festival show. Look, I'm sorry, man. Normally I do come to 12 nights in a row, so I feel like I've really let you down. All right, let's hear it. Let's hear what were you going to... So these are ones that you forgot to do.

I forgot just a couple. I'll just pick a couple. Do you want to do requests? The jokes that comedy forgot. Yeah, yeah. The jokes that comedy forgot. Yeah, yeah. The jokes that we leave in Adelaide. What about this one? What about this one?

I'm really into Apple products, so I use my laptop way too much. So much so that whenever I see a beach ball in the sea, I think, man, it looks like the beach has frozen. All right? Yeah. Like the spinning wheel. I see Brisbane will love that. So, okay.

All right. They're still probably using fucking Commodores to do all their computing. I don't know. Oh, we're punching up jokes now. Cool. All right. What about this one? Oh, yeah. I think a comma is a lot like a coma.

Unless you don't come out of it, then it's a full stop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's the kind of shit that a fucking real smart cunt would be into. Not so much for me, but I can see the appeal. Right. Oh, that's nice of you.

Thank you. Thank you for giving me that much. All right, we'll do one more. This is the decider. We didn't like the first one. We like, that's nice of you. Thank you. Thank you for giving me that much. Alright, we'll do one more. This is the decider. We didn't like the first one. We like this one. Best of three. Okay. Alright, okay. So what are the stakes? Care to make it interesting?

Alright. For the first time in our lives. Do we... Is this bad? If one of us skulls a drink? Oof. Is this bad if one of us skulls a drink? So, hey, but I'm just in... So, what if I don't like it, you have to skull your drink? All right, read it out and let's see what happens. Hang on.

I'm going to work out better rules first. I'm going to stop betting people things that hurt me. What about someone off stage? They be the judge. And if it's good, you skull. If it's no good, I skull. Yeah, but again, you're putting my fate in the hands of one of these cunts, which is not good.

How about this? Poochie's in the front row. That's cool. How about this? Poochie's in the front row. That's cool. How about this? I tell this joke and the stakes are if it's good, everyone enjoys it. Right. And if it's not, they don't. If it's bad, the podcast is a little bit bad for a few seconds.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. People feel ripped off. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Skull. What? Skull.

Skull? I think you fast forwarded through a bit that hasn't Wow. Yeah. Skull. What? Skull. Skull? I think you fast-forwarded through a bit that hasn't happened. Yeah. I will fuck you in yours if you don't shut up. Yeah. I just skull anyway. Are you going to skull? No.

All right. All right. All right. All right. I'll try one more. One more. One more. Because, I mean, this show is not, you know,

it finishes tomorrow night. I'll get some of it on the podcast, you know. Alright, here we go. I used to work in a souvenir store. One time someone brought in a boomerang and said, I'd like to return this. It doesn't work. And I said, it looks like it works the fuck of man.

Comedy. Carl, haven't they suffered enough? I'm feeling awfully sweaty. Did I do coronavirus huesy yet? I feel like I could get due for another... So earlier in the week, I did feel a little bit crook. Yep. And I knew we had this trip coming up.

Yep. And so I went in to see my doctor and I was like, look, I know I'm probably being a bit hysterical about this, but I'm going on a plane, I'm going into state, I'm going to be in these rooms, I just wanted to check and get your clear. And he goes, okay, what are your symptoms? And I'm like, none of the coronavirus stuff, just this and this. And get your clear and he goes okay what are your symptoms and i'm like none of the coronavirus stuff is this and this

and he goes right and so what are you doing what's the trip and i'm like we'll go flying to adelaide doing a show there and then the next day flying to brisbane and doing a show there and then flying home and he goes right and what's the show you're just doing a support spot i'm like no it's our own thing it's like this podcast that we do um and he's like right so that's just so what's the podcast it goes online every week and i go yeah like so we do these he's like right so that's just, so what's the podcast? It goes online every week and I go yeah so we do these live shows of it sometimes and then it's like we'll do that live and then

we'll record that hopefully and then that'll be online and then that'll be You know you don't have to explain this to me because we both have this conversation every day of our lives to everyone. And he's like so what, like people in a room watching the thing. And so is it being live streamed live as you're doing this?

And I'm like... Is this the same conversation we had with our tech about an hour ago? Like, no, no. It's like we do the show and then we record it and then we put it online. And he's like, and it's just audio? It's just audio. I'm like, yeah, it's just audio. And he goes, is it on YouTube at all?

And I go, no, it's not on fucking YouTube. And he like, yeah, it's just audio. And he goes, is it on YouTube at all? And I go, no, it's not on fucking YouTube. And he goes, yeah, you sound fine. You don't have corona. So whether or not this show is on YouTube as video content was part of the deciding diagnosis of me definitively not having coronavirus. So don't go anywhere near Frenchie, guys. That advice stands year round. We finally got him on the podcast.

That's good. No unboxing tonight. What about this? So for people at home, again, we did do stand-up shows. We sold that three months ago. We put that on sale. People bought tickets. Great.

Thank you very much for that. Then in the last 24 hours, we put the podcast on sale. So there's a lot of people that had three months to buy tickets for the stand-up and didn't and just bought tickets for this one. And now let's read out their names. Now, there's a lot. There's a lot on there. There is a lot.

There's like 30 names. There's a lot on there. There is a lot. There's like 30 names. There's a third of the capacity on there. Let's narrow it down. Let's just do a sixth of that, I reckon. Okay. Oh, God. First that complicated, comical stop, bullshit, and now this. Okay.

You're saying let's do 50. So close. Let's do five. You're meant to be fans of this. When even pandering doesn't work, what are you fucking meant to do? You like this shit on the train, why don't you like it in real life?

That's great. If someone can't enjoy this Because they're like God I wish uni was coming up in five minutes I don't know how to enjoy this If you don't enjoy this I'm going to start coughing into the mic It'll come out of the speakers

And you'll be fucking dead That was nearly Husey coronavirus Part two that was I'm pissed off thank you to podcast Adelaide podcast ticket purchaser Belinda Pitt

Belinda Pitt wow come on mate this is a softball come on this chick is the fucking pit yes

got her alright Come on This chick is the fucking pit Yes Got her Alright Thank you to Adelaide Live podcast ticket purchaser Blake Strevens What the fuck is going on with you? Cunt

It's meant to be Stevens For fuck's sake How do you fuck that up? Run your head through a spell check, cunt. Take that R out and then I can think of a word that starts with R that you should know anyway. Never mind. Return home.

Yes. Yeah. Thank you to Adelaide podcast ticketicket Purchaser Jamie Westgarth So close Yeah So fucking close Yeah So close

For us To nearly say to you Jump off yourself cunt Yeah Alright Boy we're racing through this I know Can we start doing this every week? This is much quicker than normal One good one out And then we're racing through this I know Can we start doing this every week?

This is much quicker than normal One good one out And then we're done That'll do Alright one more We've got two more Here we go Thank you to Adelaide podcast

Ticket purchaser Rick Foster Jeez I don't know I'm fostering some ill will Towards this cunt Yeah If he was our foster child I wouldn't know fostering some ill will towards this cunt yeah if he was our foster child I wouldn't be giving him money

I'd be giving him a good old fuck up the ass god it's easy it honestly is so easy so many people down there going I wish we could be as smart as those guys up there. I wish we could do what they do. All right, one more, one more.

All right, all right. Thank you to Adelaide Podcast ticket purchaser, Fruit Shock Comedy. Ah, all right. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Should we find out where he is in the crowd first?

Show yourself. Fruit Shock Comedy, where are you? Too scared, coward. You fucking coward. You fucking coward. Interesting. Should we find out where he is in the crowd first? Show yourself. Too scared, coward. You fucking coward. Wow, hasn't anyone in this room heard of Yes And? Fuck me. What a shame. What a damn shame.

Should we get a guest out here? Yeah, yeah. Should we not make a lot of more famous guests than us stand at the back of the room and fucking watch this shit? Yes. All right, folks, please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Tom Ballard! Hello! Hi everyone!

Hi Tom Ballard! Hi! The show so far has made me feel a lot better about the comedy festival being cancelled. Maybe the world doesn't need this. How's it feel to actually have a lot of tickets to have to refund? Yeah, I will actually lose money on this, unlike some others. Man, you know what? On Thursday I had a bet with Ben Lomas that the comedy festival would be cancelled. And he was like, no, no, no, we'll have a bet with Ben Lomas that the comedy festival would be cancelled. And he was like,

no, no, no, no, no, we'll have a bet. Well, I'll bet you $20. I'm the only one who's made money off the comedy festival. There is no God! He's a lot less of a fan of comedy. Has he paid you yet? He has not because he has no work. less of a fan of comedy. Has he paid you yet? He has not because he has

no work. Because he does a lot of audience warm up and there is no more fucking audiences on TV shows including when

we're on the project this Thursday. I fucking rigged it so it was all Dumb Dumb fans coming in and then they've all

got an email going fucking stay away. And look, admirable message to them in normal circumstances anyway, but in particular now, fuck. Tune in at home, guys,

and just like, send us your laughter. Send an audio recording of your laughter and then we'll splice it in post. We were going to be finally on proper TV with our home crowd advantage and now it's like we've got to go in there and suck off the cameraman or something.

Because that'll make them laugh well before the show this is the most laughably bad blowjob I've ever had I'm not unprofessional I'm not going to do it

on screen I'm saying before the show oh so that the cameraman starts so say if I suck you off will you laugh later will you laugh

it's simple business yeah sorry sorry the wolf of Wall Street. I look forward to you guys just being questioned by Steve Price for 20 minutes. I know who the panellists are. We've got Tommy Little on our side.

Check. Hopefully we get a good run. I think. Everything works out well for the Dum Dum Club. Very on brand for us. Yeah. Plugging that 500th episode. We've sold 800 tickets too.

Quarantine! Quarantine! We finally get a big crowd. Honestly, you have to laugh. Now look at this. You're at a live dub-dub show in Adelaide. Could there be a more immunocompromised event? This is like looking out at fucking Wuhan right now.

This is... Oh, too far? I'm hurting right now. What? Is that an Adelaide accent? Dance? An old crone emerged from the darkness and bespoke a riddle.

Was that finally... He wouldn't have shown any tickets out of age. Well, he's angry. I've already called him out. That was fruit shot comedy. Oh, yeah. If you answer

these riddles three, next month I'll let you perform comedy. Oh, fuck. Genuinely, what just happened? Do you want to have another crack? What did that person say?

He said he wouldn't have sold any tickets otherwise. You mean the Dumb Dumb Club or me? Yeah. That's right. That's right. Get them boys. Cough on him. Yeah.

I don't think that guy had over... What's it called? COVID-19. I think he sounded like he had scurvy sounded like a fucking pirate have any comics got it yet? that we know of? I want to run a book on who gets it first

in comedy who do you reckon? Peter Dutton he's already got it and we said comedy you fucking idiot you're only allowed to heckle if you've got a fucking IQ from your mind He's already got it and we said comedy. You fucking idiot. You're only allowed to heckle if you've got a fucking IQ from your mind. The question wasn't just name people who've got it.

Oh, my Aunt Joan. Mr. Bat. I must ask. Mr. Bat. Thanks, Bat. I'm getting a call from the United Kingdom. Should I answer it from the United Kingdom? Never darken our door again. Hello, Comedy speaking.

Hello, I've got two tickets booked for the show this evening. Oh, fuck. This is for Basement Comedy. I'll give you a call. I'll give you a text later. I'm just on stage in front of... I'm just on stage in front of 500 people in Adelaide. So I...

Wash your hands! Very carefully! I'll give you a text in a minute. I don't think he's... I don't think he's going to make it in time. Damn. That was actually business. I thought it would be funny, but it's text in a minute. I don't think he's... I don't think he's going to make it in time. Damn. That was actually business. I thought it would be funny,

but it's someone wanting a refund. Calling from a UK number? Yeah. I guess he's just travelling... Because he's still in the fucking UK and the show starts in two hours? No, no. I was like, what a fucking idiot.

Hasn't got a SIM card. Then I realised I was in the UK with an Australian SIM card two weeks ago doing the same thing. Oh, he's still an idiot. Is he fucking ringing me back again? then I realised I was in the UK with an Australian SIM card two weeks ago doing the same thing. Oh, he's still an idiot. Is he fucking ringing me back again? Oh no, it's someone else.

So it's someone in this room? Someone else wanting refunds. Fuck that. Are people nervous about going to a basement at the moment? To laugh out loud? Well, these guys aren't nervous and they've definitely got it now. Come check out Tom Ballard in the Incubator Comedy Club, everyone. I'm not

worried. I'm gay. I've got all the diseases. We invented gonorrhea. My arsehole is patient zero. You know, it's fine. Wow, what a segue. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Joel Creasy! Wherever you'd like. I can confirm

it is patient zero. I felt like you were choosing after he said, I'm gay, and you're like, oh, I don't want to sit next to him. Thank you, Joel. Oh, wow, Joel's giving him lube. Honestly, if I had to picture the apocalypse It would be stuck doing your fucking podcast

If this is the last gig I do Kill me now I know I'm like As soon as you're up the back I was like that's right You played a 500 a night We dragged you into this fucking piece of shit No I'm thrilled to be here

Reminds me of Mardi Gras oh thank you so much oh thank you oh yeah like what well some of us come with our manager to gigs

oh right right right yeah if we had a manager do you think we'd be playing here we clearly don't have a fucking manager in fact Joel Creasy's drinking a beer

this is a toxic turby world no in fact this is my second beer because I was watching the opening of this show and I sculled that. This is more beer than I drank in 2019. Oh, man, you're drinking two pints of beer.

This goes along with the theory that Adam Richard has that Joel Creasy is straight. Oh, yeah. I'm so fucking straight. No, I had a girlfriend for one week in grade nine. Her name was Kitty. And then I dumped her via my Nokia 3315. Oh!

Yeah. How did she take it? Not well. She had two months off school. How did you let her down? I texted her. I said, it's over, babe. Oh, really?

Yeah. Slash, I'm gay! Would you take that better or worse? If you got that text and said, you're done, P.S. I'm gay. Well, you'd be the last... Yeah, I guess you'd take it well. Did you...

What base did you get with it? Great question, Carl. Great journalistic instinct. We did get a lot... Because, by the way, you got more action with girls in year 9 than I did still to this day

no we did a lot of pashing on the bus oh hell yeah yeah and then I'd fix her hair for her is that a euphemism yeah hair is a euphemism

for vagina yes he admitted it he's worked at he's worked at Yeah, hair is a euphemism for vagina. Yes! He admitted it. He's worked out all of our comedy tricks. No, I've just come here to say thank you to you, Carl, because I've had a wonderful week in Adelaide doing my show that you wrote for me, so thank you so much. Don't say that, because now you're saying that.

A lot of people in comedy think that I write your show and I help you a little bit with it because you are very funny yourself. I do a little bit of it and then everyone walks around town and goes, you just write Joel Creasy's show because you want to write jokes about gay people. And I'm like, that is fucking not me. You write my show because I'm rich. That explains your opening, Joel, of I should be stoned in the street. I'm disgusting.

What I do is hideous. I was doing the bit of material you wrote. I was going to do it on the gala on Wednesday. But, yeah, because they fit bombed. I could be like, fuck Carl. I saw Joel's show on Monday. It was great. The only bit that bombed was that comma bit.

That did not go. Your audience was like, what the fuck is this? Get back to talking about sucking cock. Very angry. That beach ball bit killed us. That was worth it. That was definitely worth it. Do the turkey one for the podcast. No! No! Do it,

buddy. I refuse to be defined by poultry-related jokes. For people that weren't here, people listening at home, I had another poultry-related joke, and I know it's my new duck sandwich. You don't even know,

but I did that joke once in Perth, and they treated it exactly the same as you cunts. And they all went fucking crazy for it, and they went weird, and they were yelling at me afterwards. I was like, oh, I've got a fucking problem here. I've now done it twice and I've got fucking now

a couple hundred people that are just like he's the cunt that does that joke you've now got a full year to work on the next show do an entire show Carl Chandler's

bird watching just go through all of them what's it here with peacocks yeah there you go you get it Carl Chandler's

bird watching sounds a little bit lecherous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been watching some fucking birds. Bird watching. This is Tom and my impression of heterosexuals. Yeah, let's start a podcast. I'll fix your hair, and by that I mean your little pussy. I'll write some jokes and by that I mean your little pussy yeah alright some jokes

for that fag comedian yeah I already got way too excited about you with the year 9 so yeah alright now we'll do the two of you actually that's a bad idea

oh they're doing the eyes what do you think if right a bit oh no I forgot do you think if Right a minute Oh no I forgot Do you think if the virus Gets really bad

There'll be a point We're allowed to do the eyes And it's acceptable Good night everybody That show Catch my show At the Melbourne Comedy Festival At 8.15

To be honest You're not allowed To touch your face To start with That's true This is devastating For racists Across the world That's great Seeing someone in the street You should not be Touching your face to start with. That's true. This is devastating for racists across the world.

That's great. Seeing someone in the street, you should not be touching your face. It's unhygienic. Seeing Pat Blight Francisco and going, two things here.

I'll go through them now in order of importance. Joel, it's lovely to see you again. The last time I saw you, we were at Carl's gig that he runs. You came striding up the stairs

and you opened the conversation with, Jesus Christ, I had a lot of Botox today. Oh my God, I know. I've got a bruise just there. I've had so much, which I thought would be for my national tour, but turns out I just got it done for Adelaide. You got it done for this gig.

Yeah. To make it look like I'm smiling. That is depressing. I think you got Botox for this gig. Yeah. Yeah, to make it look like I'm smiling. That is depressing. To think you got Botox for this gig, you would cry if you could. I would,

I honestly, oh. Yeah, no, I did, I had a lot, but I feel fantastic. You look great.

Thank you, Tommy. Yeah, everyone should try it. You're leaving nothing to chance. You're only like 29 or something aren't you fuck yeah I'm late to the game

fuck yeah I'm a gay man what's wrong with my face Joel how long do we have we're out of time no because I'm turning 30 this year which is gay dead in gay world how old are you Bella I'm 30 I'm dead

19 year old twinks look at us like old tortoises. They're like, I don't even know if I've lived that long. Yeah, a lot of my friends for their 30s had the theme was funeral chic. Everyone looks good in black. What are you going to do? Any ideas for the theme? Well, I was going to have a massive party. My tour just got pulled, so...

This might be a little intimate function, you know. Just 150 of my nearest and dearest. 490 people. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, 499. Are we going to get an invite? Yeah. All right.

Oh, just send me your email address. I think you've got it. You've got my phone number. That's better than the email address. Oh, right. Text it. Yeah, I'll text you. Yeah, cool.

We'll see you there. There'll be heaps of comics there, right? you there there'll be heaps of comics there right pardon there'll be heaps of comics there right so many I love comedy there'll be a lot

of comedians there no it'll just be all the real housewives of Melbourne yeah great I do super admire this is the thing

I love most about Joel Creasy is he hates comedy but just comes out and plays in front of a thousand people at night and goes fucking boom

bangs it out of the house and then just goes fuck this I'm going home this shit sucks yeah I like some comedy mine and by extension

you Carl so your ideal comedy special is you're on stage and there's a big mirror up the back of the audience so you can just be watching yourself going, fuck this is good stuff. Absolutely, yeah.

That material did earlier. Think how much it would have destroyed with my voice. You're actually very right. Do a Chando joke. Have you got one? There's so many off the top of my head. Whisper in one and let's hear it. I saw a heavy truck

Hang on, I'm just really loosening up my wrists for this one What is this? I can't wait for this Don't, don't Look ahead, don't look ahead Alright Alright, alright, here we go He's got it?

Here's Joel Creasy at the 2021 gala. I'll have to take a sleeping pill with my coffee just to see who wins. That was somehow homophobic. I don't know how, but still I got like the subtext that you're going for, that gay people suck. No! Oh, sorry. What's wrong with you?

You want us to overdose? Let's get another guest up, quick. Let's get our third guest on. Folks, please welcome back into the Little Dundum Club, Fiona L. Auckland! Oh, she's sitting in the audience now. Why are we in a row?

Why are we sitting halfway down a row? What are you doing? It's nice to meet a fan. Oh. Why are we in a row? Why are we sitting halfway down a row? It's nice to meet a fan. Hold court. It's patient zero. For people at home, Fiona just flashed the audience. She was...

You were sitting in the audience. Have you been here all day? Have you watched all of our stand up? Are you actually a super fan? I came to see both your solo shows You did not Fucking disgrace Oh she was here

So you write for Joel? A little bit Wow A little bit Just a little bit And I write for Tommy Ah cancer drawings for Joel? A little bit. Wow. A little bit. Just a little bit. And I write for Tommy. Ah, cancer drawings!

Classic. That's why I rake in the big audiences. Gold like that. It is weird. I do do writing. I do writing for Joel. I do writing for Nazeem Hussain. I do writing for Nelson Twins. Anyone with a hook, I'm fucking in there. Yeah. You write for loads of comedians, just some of us have the balls to admit it.

Yeah, exactly. No, you're right. You're right. How much does it cost, Joel? Well, I'm looking back at my knees. How much does it cost? I don't know.

Maybe you should invoice me, Carl. Carl does it for exposure. Yeah. If Joel exposes himself himself I write him jokes Joel I mean we have talked about this before but Joel Greasy

apparently biggest dick in comedy really yeah you have yeah biggest dick head I've not seen many dicks

in comedy you haven't seen many dicks in comedy no have you ever fucked anyone in comedy absolutely not You haven't seen many dicks in comedy. No. Have you ever fucked anyone in comedy? Absolutely not.

Now the audience in the room were just treated to a wry grin. For an addict, you were a fucking shit liar. She certainly fucked over a few producers, I think. I thought we were doing the thing. I thought we were having fun. No, I don't fuck people. You don't fuck people. You know that.

You've got fucking 17 kids. What are you talking about? I have five children. Right, okay. And I was never... I'm coming out as an asexual. Wow. Really? Yeah.

Tommy's been doing that for years. Boy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, oy. No, I am coming out as asexual. And I think it's high time. I want to know if there's more of me out there. What does that mean? It means you never, never, ever blew my hair back. Ever.

Sex didn't in general? No. Well, you might be doing it wrong if that's what you're talking about. I reckon I was. You don't have to have a wind machine. I mean, I do. You never had a good time having sex with anybody? No.

It was just like you got married. That was like in my era because I was Catholic, like industrial strength Catholic. In my era, because I was Catholic, like industrial strength Catholic, and the first guy you had sex with, deep down you're like, oh, fuck, I've broken all the rules. And so then you just get married. I can't hear this.

I'm staying across the street. Give us ten minutes, folks. Yeah. Imagine that Imagine marrying the first person you had sex with Oh my god, I can't think back that far It was illegal I went to a Catholic high school You've been single for a long time though

What about in comedy? If you had to marry someone or root someone in comedy Who would it be? Great journalistic instincts. Thank you. It's Carl Chandler reporting from 69 Minutes. Okay. If I had done that joke, everyone would have clapped.

From 69 Minutes! A current affair! Mighty She-God would be my... Oh, really? Oh, thank you. I have a huge... Hello! Nice. I have a huge crush on mighty she-god.

Really? What about him? Funny, funny, funny. That's all you need. All I need... That's all you need. Hey, happy to take the win for a fellow bald king. Shine on, brother.

I was going to say, you do look like a bit of a babushka doll. So you could get, you know, you could get a bit of brunch right here if you want. You need... That's my phone. I thought we just broke comedy. I have not yet. It was seven years ago. I went on a date.

It was back in... Oh, we've all got shit going on. It was... I didn't have a profile picture on my Facebook, so that's how long ago it was. And the guy I had the date with didn't have a profile pic. Were you catfished? Yeah, yeah.

What's that? Were you catfished? No, not really. He just invited me out for a date. It was Caseyfished? Yeah, yeah. What's that? Were you catfished? No, not really. He just invited me out for a date. It was Casey Donovan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't know. How would I know?

Anyway, so I went to the date. Well, I picked the place to have the date. It was at the art centre, you know, that coffee shop out the front. Oh, my God. Was it your show? No, no, because I was doing my show at the art centre. Oh, wow. So I thought, well, that's

where I'll have the day. So it was just on Facebook that we'd organised. So this is the last time you've had a day? Last time. Yeah, last time. Seven years ago. And you can fact check that because I was doing a show at the Arts Centre.

How is that fact checking whether your pussy's been ploughed or not? This is a feminist podcast. Yes. How can we... How is that fact-checking? It's disgraceful. So, I can't...

Carl, the woman of this distinction, it's the moot, thank you very much. Very strong feminist just walked out. She's gone to the dunny to rub one of them the first of many walkouts I think what happened on the date? well what happened I got off the

yeah it was the 72 tram and wow it must have been quite a date when you remember that detail sure it wasn't the 60

it was always the tram I caught every night to the gig anyway so I just went at lunchtime and I got off the tram and caught every night to the gig. Anyway, so I just went at lunchtime and I got off the tram and there he was. Is this a lunchtime gig? It was a lunchtime date. Oh, date, sorry. What's a tram?

I'll tell you what a tram is. It's the thing that's got my fucking face on. I'm driving around Melbourne and I'm paying through the fucking team. I'll write you a bit about trams next year. Yeah, thank you. Anyway, so... You know who I'm sharing a tram with? Fucking coronavirus Hughsey That's who

Oh you are too I saw Yeah gee I hope he can Take the financial hit Bloody hell I think I've got it No Hughsey's pretty charitable I'm sure he'll cough up the money Jesus Christ I heard he was

He's selling out shows in Brisbane and then people are not turning up because of the worry about the virus and then a few of them requested a refund. He's like, I'm not fucking giving a refund! That's their problem, they're worried! Carl, I love you. Terrible Hughsy, all right?

Shocking! That's Hughsy with the virus. Okay, it all checks out So you're on this lunchtime date Yeah You get off the 72 tram I got off the 72 tram I was crossing St Kilda Road

And there it was The detail It was at the other side Stop, stop What are you wearing? Two women have now walked out The only two women in our podcast listenership Have walked out

So something bad's happening Yeah, what does Fiona Lachlan wear to a date? We need to know We need to know The only two women in our podcast listenership have walked out, so something bad's happening. What does Fiona Lachlan wear to a date? We need to know. We need to know. We need to know. Do you wear a wedding dress to a date, or what do you do? I don't know. I'm sorry, when I wear a joel, it just sort of happens.

Look at this. Isn't it great? A little dumb look on the diversity on stage. We've got people famous and then us. The old. Yeah, so he was there. He was there. Two guys and an old chick.

A huge range of Botox here on the stage. Oh, I've got lots. She loves it. Anyway, he was there and he said, Fiona, which is good, start. So I got really excited. not that he was desperately handsome, but just that he had everything, you know. He knew your names. Yeah.

On time. Clothes, on time. Knows where the 72 is. Wakes up before 12 o'clock. And yes. Alcohol. He had a pair of... Oh, fuck off!

He was the guy with the moustache, the innkeeper guy out the front of the shop? He had a pair of corduroy pants on. And anyone who knows, am I alone in this? A corduroy pant means they read the paper. No pants means he can't read. I just like... He wasn't desperately handsome,

but he had corduroy pants on and he looked normal. He had good teeth, everything. Anyway, so I got a bit overexcited. Keep in mind, I've not been on a date since I was 17, so before I got married. So two years ago, right? Yeah, that's right. Anyway. It's just that easy, right? Yeah, that's right. Anyway.

It's just that easy, guys. It's just that easy. Marty Jr. is going to get some action tonight. How does he come up with it? How does he do it? Anyway, I did all this. You all saw it. I did a lot of talking.

I was a bit overexcited about the corduroys. And then I did a lot of talking and then he interrupted me. I talked for about five minutes and I was talking too much and giving up too much information, but I was nervous and then he interrupted me, which I thought was rude. But he had to interrupt me to let me know he wasn't my date. What? He was the director of the art centre.

He was just walking past. So you fucked a complete stranger? I didn't fuck him. I had a date with him. But I thought he was my date. Why wouldn't you think that? You would think that, wouldn't you? If a guy walks in with corduroys, you'd think...

I'm on still date. Anyone who says my name, I shall be fucking. Did you ask me if he was bringing a band-aid? He was right there. We've met six times. The show isn't selling well. So did you find the actual band that you were going to date? Oh, yeah, that was horrible. And then I just got over the horror of this guy not being my date

and apologising. And then I looked and I thought, where is the date? And there it was. So he's just been sitting there the whole time watching? He was kind of standing more like, ooh.

He was kind of standing and he had a hoodie on and a moustache. And that does not say I read the paper. Yeah. You're right. You're dead right.

So that's my last date. Have you not, are you not on any of the The apps I don't know how to Because I Don't know how to pay for it She can't upload a fucking Profile picture to Facebook

I don't think she's going to know These are the apps No you're right So you You don't have to pay for Tinder and stuff though You do You've got to put

Your details Your credit card details And I've You don't You sure Don't you No For Tinder Show me This is You've got to put your details, your credit card details. You don't, for sure. Don't you? No. For Tinder.

Show me. It's not a Nigerian app. You should get on Grind, Fiona. It can be. That's your audience. Grinders for gays, yeah? Grinders for gays, yeah. Okay.

So what would I want? We are asexual now. What's the famous people? Oh, yeah. Isn't there a famous one? The famous influencer one. The famous influencer one. Raya.

How do you know that? Raya. Oh. Oh, yeah. Isn't there a famous one? The famous influencer one. The famous influencer one. Raya. Raya. How do you know that? Raya. Oh. Oh, they're turning on each other. Yes. I'll have you know that Jennifer Fricker sent me a code, and my application for Raya is pending.

Wow. Are you single at the moment? Yes. I'm not asking. You may. Oh. And you're still with Jack? Yes.

Yeah, no. Oh, we're just going to skip over that. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, what's going on? I'm fucking an acrobat, Carl. Really? Yeah. I mean, I'm saying it in a respectful way.

Desperate times. Acrobat, is he doing a show? He's doing a show, yes. Wow. In Adelaide? Yes. Really? Acrobat is in the doing a show? He's doing a show yes Wow Wow In Adelaide? Yes Really?

So is it a festival fling? No Do you do you when you don't use a condom do you say it's fucking without a net? Oh Unbelievable stuff

Now I'd like to hear that from Joel please Sorry When you don't use a condom do you say it's fucking without a name. That's funny. That is funny. That's funny stuff. Carl, you said that not using a condom thing

and then you spilt fluid on my leg. I know. We've got to finish this thing before. There's a vodka deal before six, so we need to be finished before that, so we can get on that. Fiona's been here all day. Fiona's been here all day. I've been here all day. I feel like I just got

possessed by Fiona. Sorry, I don't know why I said that. Tom, the last, one of the last times you and I were talking about your dating, you told me a story and then I didn't see you for a couple of months and I said, how's it going with that guy? You told me some weird, you told me he was like doing, doing weird stuff.

Something about, like, when you were fucking him, he was pretending to be a hawk or something like that. What? And you were like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm like, the bird... There was, like, something to do with being a bird. It was like a... He thought he was, like, a bird or something.

And then you tell me the actual story about this man. The actual story is his name is Phoenix. Is this the acrobat? No his name is Phoenix. Is this the acrobat? No, this is the acrobat. This is like a year ago or whatever. He's named Phoenix because his parents were using contraception when he was conceived. His mum took the morning after pill

and she had an abortion and he fucking survived. Rose from the ashes to suck my dick! You know, the guy that was pretending to be a hawk while he fucked him. Wow. So he got through all three of those things and they still further punished him

by giving him the name Phoenix. Phoenix. You know what, if we call him Phoenix he'll kill himself. Good joke Yes Joel That's ready to go Please call me Joel

Mr Comedy is my father That is ready to go baby That's ready to go For 2020 Joel Yeah I had zoned out then But um That's alright

So you were dating someone So did you date him Or was it just her We were dating a little bit He lives overseas now. Yeah, he's... Wow. Had he planned on that before he started?

They all leave! I'm looking forward to this travel ban, actually. It'll keep... Keep all the exes in the country. That's why I'm fucking refugees. You know, they're in detention. You can really... Oh, fuck off!

We've crossed so many lines. You've gone so edgy and wrong. What if they made the call now and we're all stuck in this room forever? Wouldn't that be cool? I'm so excited about coronavirus because... You're most at risk. No, she survived everything.

She'll survive. She is the cockroach of comedy. Yeah, it's going to be her and Fleety. All of the rest of us will be gone. Coronavirus can't kill me. I can't kill myself. That's very fair. The rest of us, we could never swallow a tequila worm.

You've had about five of us. Oh, my God. Why are you excited about the virus? Because I was running out of ideas, you know, other than working. But I hadn't written anything for the next show. I hadn't really written this show and then I just pulled out, it's my last French. You are publishing this as your last Adelaide French?

Well, I couldn't think of anything else to say to sell tickets. It works. People eat it up. Did it work? Yeah, it did. Oh, great. Which is a shame

because I can't come back. Hey, no one in comedy ever says they're retiring from comedy and actually retires from comedy. No one has ever done it. No one's ever done it. If you quit from comedy, you slink away. If you come out and say, I quit comedy. I didn't say I quit comedy.

I said I quit fringes. Same thing. I quit festivals. Right. Well, it's not really the same thing because... Yeah, but they don't know that. That's why you're saying it. I'll be the first person to retire from comedy

and actually stick to it. Yeah, yeah. Can't wait for that day. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just... It's too hard now. I'm too old and I'm too happy. You're not too old.

It's not too hard. You're too lazy. Yes. Yes. It's not too hard. You're too lazy. Yes. Yes, that's very true. But my shows were always about the calamity of hanging out with me, you know, the nightmare of it, and now I don't do anything that's bad except I sleep and watch Nine Life. That's all I do.

Let's hit the town tonight and write next year's show. There's no show in Nine Life. Yeah, I do let's hit let's hit the town tonight and write next year's show there's no show in Nine Lives in Nine Lives I love it it's the most brutal thing

I've ever heard yeah I can't figure out how to get rid of that off my TV but that's the one channel you watch

I love it yeah it's just full of people building homes knocking homes down or relocating to other it's great full of people building homes, knocking homes down or relocating to other... It's great.

It actually sounds like you. You've had nine lives. I've had nine lives. You've had nine cracks at it. That's why I like it. No, so I don't know. And I don't have a big... I've fucked up every, like, management I've ever had.

Yes. Who's had more managers than me? No one. No one. No one. And it's not like I'm a c's had more managers than me? No one. No one. No one. And it's not like I'm a cunty person, is it? No, you're lovely. I don't go around sacking management.

There is. And eventually management have to let me go. You've had about nine managers and it's like, I think each manager picks you up going, man, she's talented, she's famous, she's a diamond in the rough. And then they pick you up for two weeks and go, oh, fuck, I've got to take her out of a bin?

What the fuck have I signed up for? Yeah, a friend of ours did, Hughsy, we have a problem with you the other day, and he was saying he got put in charge of looking after you in the airport on the flight back here to Adelaide. Who was that? You just went walkabout. You just went missing.

He had to go into the Qantas lounge and go, have you seen Fiona O'Loughlin? No. I think she's out the front having a smoke. Who was that? Oh, Sam Taunton. Yeah. Oh, okay.

I didn't know he was my carer. They don't tell you. There's about six of them in the room right now. They're just farting everywhere. Is that depressing, finding out you have secret carers? I'm starting to think my publicist now,

she does wear a uniform. I've toured a lot with Fiona. We've shared hotel rooms and stuff. And you'll see Fiona, like a coffee will have

been sitting out for days and then in the middle Not days, it was a day. And then I'll see putting it in the microwave and reheating it. What are you doing? It's so gay. It was hilarious.

I'm just a country woman. I'm a... I'm a... Yes. I'd had a coffee in the morning and that's about two o'clock in the afternoon. I just put it in the microwave and he, he went like this. Oh! I didn't know. That's pretty reasonable.

That's not a city faggot thing. That's basic hygiene. COVID-19 starts. The quest in Sydney. This guy's so gay, I'm in there eating the head of a bat and he's having a bloody hissy fit on the couch.

Licking the handrail on an escalator and he's like, what are you doing? Did someone take a picture, by the way? Because we always need one for the social, so. Oh, please don't. Oh, yeah, sure. How are those beers going to? Oh, delicious. Yeah, they're very

heavy, don't they, beer? Do you drink beer? Sometimes, yeah. But I have this. Tom definitely looks like he drinks more beer than you. Yeah, I'm the booper healthy Tom. Well, it's been fun, guys. I guess that's a natural nearly end to the show.

Your guests are winding you up isn't that interesting I'd be fine to end the rest of my days with Fiona because that would be quiet it would be loose what's that

I'd be fine to end the rest of my days with you in apocalypse in quarantine oh if it all goes to shit yeah you better bloody set them up

don't you live here now in Adelaide in this pub no I have a home yeah I live in Adelaide I live in Glen? No. I have a home. Yeah, I live in Adelaide. I live in Glenelg. Oh, really?

Glenelg. What does that mean? Is that a good suburb or a bad suburb? It's a really good suburb. Is it good? But, you know, how good are suburbs really here? It's a great suburb, but it does have hints of murder rape. Right.

Jesus Christ This is a lovely wine I'm tasting hints of murder rape Is that right? Yes With a bit of pornography aftertaste Is that right? Hints make so much sense

Everybody knows what I'm talking about from Adelaide Can I ask one question? Is it in that order? Oh, no You may not ask one question? Is it in that order? Oh, no. You may not ask one question. Be the other way around. And I walk along the beach looking for little...

Smirnoff bottles. I just got my eye open always for a Beaumont. Beaumont's like a missing child, isn't it? That's a missing... That's an Adelaide joke, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Missing children. Yes.

Missing children from 50 years ago. Yes. That's funny, I guess. Yeah. She's doing a bit of topical. Right, right, right. I also like when Fiona said, I've got my eye open, she closed her eye.

Yeah, poor closed her eye. She didn't say she's keeping two eyes open. It is feeling like we should wrap up, but also I'm conscious of it. Have we got any threads with Fiona? It feels like we've started about four conversations with Fiona and then gotten sidetracked. All I want to know is who she wanted to root, and she said Marty Sheargold.

I didn't say root. Oh, what did you say? I just said, you guys, you go straight for sex, don't you? Yeah. Yeah, it's disgusting. People don't like it. Sorry, we've got one child combined and you've got 17. But we go straight for sex.

Sorry, how bad? This is my idea of a perfect man. I want him to come in in the morning. I don't care where he's been. Come in, laugh at the paper with me, get me coffee. You can go again for a few hours because there's a lot of non-life to watch. Then come back. You're obsessed with the paper.

The paper's the crucial part of this book. I just like it. Yeah, that's what I want. Because I talk to myself all day because if you don't, you end up weird. So you just want to buck it. Yeah, that's what I think. When I see someone on the tram talking to themselves, I'm like, well, he's not weird. Good thing you dodged that bullet for you.

My youngest, she actually sneaks into the house. She loves hearing me talk to the television if I think no one's home. Oh, yeah, she loves it. She's not checking up. She loves it. She's not filming you for DHS. She loves it. She did come by one night.

Her and Tess came checking up. That's when they found me up in the attic. When you were in the coma? I was comering on, yes. Is that a practical joke? Yes, I loved that joke. I thought it was very clever. Very relatable.

Yes. I have a question, Fiona, if you don't mind me asking. If you're asexual, do you in any way pleasure yourself? No, never, ever, ever. Really?

How? No. See, we've got to fix that. So I don't know... No, we do not. We're all going to die soon. No, come on, Joel. You're on the team.

You're on the team of helping me. Oh, the sounds. No, I'm going to find out if there's more like me out there. To fuck them? No, to talk to them. Do you have any asexual people in the crowd? Are there any asexuals in? See, who would say?

Yeah, you. Weirdly. Yeah. Well, why not say it? It's true. And I think it's got a bit to do with growing up. Yeah. So we're all immature for rooting. Is that what you're saying?

No, no. I kind of, what's the word? When I heard about, because I was raised traditionally Catholic and it's really scary because anything to do with this tends to send you to hell. So I just thought, I don't like hell. That's why we avoid it. Yeah, that's right. Jesus wants you to hell. So I just thought, I don't like hell. That's why we avoid it. Yeah, that's right.

Jesus wants us to suck up. We're going to heaven. Yes. Oh, fucking great visual there. Wonderful visual. That's for the crowd at Anchor, baby. That's for the fucking crowd at Anchor.

For people at home, that's why you should come to a show to watch gay Marcel Marceau Tommy I love you I love you he's not still

in the league the fringe festival you get them all don't you did Phoenix teach you that I'm fucking an acrobat Fringe Festival, you get them all, don't you? Did Phoenix teach you that? I'm fucking an acrobat!

Alright, well, that'll do. Alright guys, let's wrap it up for the week. Big round of applause, Fiona O'Loughlin, John Ballard, Joel Creasy. Guys,

thank you very much for coming out in Adelaide. Give yourselves a round of applause. We love you, Adelaide. We're back, baby. And we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate. And they've done it again

They've done it again Now more than ever They've done it again Yeah look With the benefit of hindsight And the world in its current climate I'd have to say this They've done it again

Yeah yeah yeah Well It's an interesting one this week Because Bernie will be attempting to kick a big one Without any spectators behind closed doors. Not this one. Not this one.

He had plenty to cheer him on. Yeah. Oh, really? Well, during that episode, there was enough. Oh, so the kicking happens during the ep. Well, yeah. No, you're right. Yeah, so Bernie's –

Well, you just listen to the response from the crowd. True, yeah. That's the big one, I would say, I guess, especially in a live episode. Yeah. It's already been judged. He's kicked a big one. Ah, okay, interesting. So with these ones, you get to take a bit of a back seat on having to really assign whether or not Bernie's kicked a big one.

It's a big help. It's a big, yeah, yeah. It's a big help. It's like a movie review, I guess, and then – it's like a movie review that when you're reviewing a movie in a cinema with no one with you and it's just you don't know yet until you get reviewed. But if you watch it in a comedy in a theatre with a lot of people already there, that's a big hint.

Absolutely. Do you think? Is that the clunkiest metaphor I've made yet? Look, I don't know. There's bigger fish to fry out in the world at the moment. So, yeah, this was – yeah, we just did this a couple of days ago. We're just back from this trip. Thank you to everyone who came out to this show.

Thank you to everyone who bought a ticket to this at the very last minute as the world was crumbling around us. But this was for, hey, look, potentially, who knows, could be the last live thing that any of us do or attend for a very long time so thank you to everyone who came out and was such an awesome crowd uh it was really really fun yeah on our end it was it was great adelaide you were great for all the ribbing we give you um that was definitely worth doing um and you were very responsive selling out the show at the last in the last 24 hours um it was a funny little joke that we had up our sleeve for quite a while.

Yep. And it paid off. Yeah. You know what? I'll tell you what. I don't know if you think this or not, but the energy that those guys had felt like a great energy in that these are the sort of people that decide within 24 hours to do something or not.

And they'd only just found out about the show the day before and they're like fuck yeah and then that's carried on to the next day so i felt like people were really excited yeah there's no yeah the stakes are less there's no one who's like bought it months ago and then it's like it clashes with something that they'd rather go you know there's no like oh yeah fuck oh this is we have to go to this now yeah no you're right like that very yeah it felt good yeah and so now we're back from this little trip and yeah, what do we got? We got a big old, we got a calendar that's full of big old question marks at the moment. Oh, look, let's keep upbeat. I think people out there don't really want to hear us fucking bitch and moan and all

that sort of stuff. Everyone knows what situation we're in at the moment. It's a bit of a shame. If we all do the right thing,'s it's it's going to be okay yep I think no use us sooking about it people

I'm not saying sooking but we need to let people know we have these shows well that's upcoming yep that

we we don't know yes what's going to happen with them at this point that's the thing I think too well we both think too far to call so the best thing you can do

if you're coming to one of those keep an eye on the socials because yeah once once we know any more either way that's the easiest way for us that's it we've got two afternoon live pods coming up and of course the 500th episode and you know not to we just can't say anything at the moment because we don't know anything i think you know you guys watching the news and stuff like that will know probably quicker than us about certain things. So at the moment, we're just in a state of flux.

There's a lot of stuff going on. So, you know, everyone just, including us, try and do the right thing and then we'll all figure it out together. Yep. Yep. But in the meantime, very, you know, hot off the presses plug if you're listening to this the day it's come out and if you're stuck indoors, you're looking for extra stuff to do, tomorrow night we are still going to be appearing on the project. Oh, yeah.

If you are listening right on, yeah, we are on TV. We are on proper TV without a crowd. Without an audience, yeah. So if you want to record laughs and send them to us and we can play them on the desk, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. But it is exciting. that out yeah tune in and let us know on the socials and uh yeah maybe share it with your friends and a lot of people if you know a lot of people that are stuck inside and need a bit of uh content uh we uh certainly have nearly 500 episodes that uh you

can binge on so yeah if you're stuck in you know, we tend to hear from a lot of listeners that haven't gone through the whole back catalogue. So, look, here's a chance. I mean, with all the advent of Talking Dumb Dumb, I mean, we must have 700 plus hours of content, surely. Yeah, a lot. We must have a lot there. So, yeah, feel free to get deep in that.

Of course, feel free to join our Patreon, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club, where we've got a bit of bonus stuff. Hopefully, we'll have some even more from now on in this little situation we all find ourselves in. So hopefully, that'll plug the chasm in your lives. So have a look at that if you can spare some shekels, if you've got some spare money that you used to use going out entertainment-wise,

stuff like that, that might be a way of filling your days in. Yep. But, yeah, I hope everyone's doing the right thing out there and not acting like a cunt. It's tempting to act like a cunt in any day of your life, but especially at the moment, it's very tempting to be a bit selfish and be a rotten cunt. So if you could just be a half-decent bloke,

it'd be great. It'd be great. Just, yeah, look, anyway, I don't want to get too deep into all that stuff, but just fuck, do the right thing. Stay safe and be cool and look out for one another. Yeah, don't, there's no need to go to my parents' local supermarket

and buy every bit of flour and sugar and things that are in the fucking supermarket. So, you could do that. Yeah. That'd be cool. So, what we need to do is thank some of the very, very generous people who subscribe to us on Patreon. Oh, we're going to go straight into that.

Keep the lights on here. There's no general gasbagging this week. Well, yeah, what are we, what is there else to gasbag about? Oh, fuck. This is a very weird episode. I know. I feel like I've else to gasp back about? Oh, fuck. This is a very weird episode where I feel like I've got to fucking pull your spirits up.

I feel like I'm the most positive person in this room. I don't get to be there that often. We don't need to talk about more of what's going on, but, you know, like... There are other things

to talk about. I think this is a good example, Tommy. Like, every time I find myself in conversation the last 48 hours is about this situation. It's about the situation, yeah.

It's like, let's talk about something else. We've talked about it on the episode. We don't need to talk anymore. We're no experts. Well, we'll get into the names and then we can deviate from there. Well, I was going to say, just let's talk about Adelaide for a little bit. We had a great time. We hung out for a little bit afterwards at the pub and then we went down to the gardens

and hung out with some friends at the show and had a great old night. That was my first night on the grogs in Australia since New Year's Eve. Nice. So that was a pleasant little weird, not weird, but just sort of different sort of thing to be on the beers.

But man, look, at that point, as you can hear from the crowd, I felt like people were very positive and it was a sort of pretty positive night. Yeah. Whereas the next day, I think things started to turn a little bit. Everything, yeah, changes in five-hour increments at the moment, it feels like.

Yeah, but fun times uh there great little weekend great to be back we hadn't been for quite a while yeah we hadn't done uh yeah i mean we hadn't done a show there in what two years yeah is that right so there's like plenty of people there that um you know we hadn't seen at the shows in a while plenty of people that i don't recall seeing at shows previously that we've done there that I guess have gotten into it more recently. Yeah, yeah. There was someone bought tickets and then couldn't make it and went to work and then sent her parents. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Which I think she messaged just about Alyssa and then I sort of forgot about it. And then there's just like, you know, a bunch of idiots plus two 60-year-olds in the front row of our stand-up just sort of wondering what the fuck is going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that was interesting. I couldn't help it. One of those things where it was all great. The stand-up went great and the podcast went great, but I couldn't help but just watch them the whole time.

Not into it. They weren't at the podcast, actually. They were just at the stand-up. Oh, okay. Yeah. So I was giving them a good look, and I feel like they were like, what the fuck did our daughter give us this for? Like, why would she?

And to be honest, when she emailed us about it, I was like, that is an odd choice. Yeah. To go, I've got these spare tickets. Oh, my six-year-old parents will like these two idiots that say cunt every second word. That, and also go out into a crowd at the moment, mum and dad. Yeah.

Strange work from that young lady. Yeah. Assuming you're listening. But hey, good for you. I'd like to think she was listening considering she bought tickets to our show. But having said that, you know, like we were talking about on this episode a little bit, But having said that, you know, like we were talking about on this episode a little bit, there were people that, look, we concentrated on the fact that some people had plenty of time to go to our stand-up and didn't bother. And then within 24 hours, we had a podcast and absolutely did.

On the flip side of that, there were people that saw our stand-up and then didn't bother with the podcast. Saw that. Yeah, noticed that too. So. The real heroes. Yeah. The real heroes of the day. So that's something. Because if we hadn't been able to test those stand-up shows in front of an audience, we'd be fucked right now.

Yeah, we wouldn't have been able to go the next day and really kill it in Brisbane. So how does it feel to be wrapped up with the tour? Oh, man, we'll talk about that next week. Let's just live in the world of halfway through the tour. Halfway through. Spirits the tour. Halfway through. Spirits were high. Halfway through the festival run. Yeah.

Coronavirus fears aside, when we were sitting outdoors in the Garden of Unearthly Delights in Adelaide having beers with some friends of the show, I thought my fucking hands were going to freeze off. Oh, yeah. It was a fucking unseasonably cold evening in Adelaide and I didn't have any kind of heavy jacket with me. I just had a very light attire and I was having a really good time. I think I drank a lot more than I would have just to try and warm myself up. I was fucking dying.

I hated it. I don't know how you did it. I don't know how you did it. I had a full-on thermal jacket thing on and I was fucking freezing. Yeah. I had a fucking proper jacket on. At one point I felt like I was very obviously just shivering. Like, I kind of thought at some point someone's just going to tell me

that I should go home in this group we're sitting in because I felt like my hands were just, you know, shaking all over the place. I was doing a Nick Cody impression. We were just being way too funny to notice your little teeth chattering. That's true. There was some heavy riffage going on. The riffs were flying thick and fast. I've never seen anything like it in my life.

There was a lot of people fucking copping it. Oh, yeah. Sweet. Oh, yeah. Finally, we had it recorded. Oh, mate. Just stream it. To be a fly.

Good point. Again, guys, everyone, here's a general. Just stream it. Here's a general shout out point. Again, guys, everyone, here's a general... Just stream it. Here's a general shout-out. Uh-oh, don't be negative. Here's a general shout-out. Please, for all the people that feel a bit bad that the Comedy Festival in Melbourne has been cancelled

and a lot of people have just come up with a genius solution, why don't you just do your festival show to no one and then just tape it and then just stream it? It's absolutely not happening. It's a fucking terrible idea. I know you think you're doing the right thing suggesting it. Don't. It's fucking shit.

But it's everything about it. It's like that would be a terrible way of taking in the content. And also, it's borderline offensive to assume that anyone in this day and age isn't aware of the existence of YouTube and a webcam. Yep. Everyone already knows that that is an option that's available to them. You're not tipping any comedian off about that. Exactly. I promise you, whatever we do and our fellow friends at our level do like that, it's going

to look and sound like shit. You're not really going to enjoy it. You probably won't chuck any money in anyway. There's Netflix. There's YouTube. You can see heaps of highly produced quality stand-up. Get into that. This is what we do.

We do podcasts. We do stuff that's a bit easier to chuck over the internet. So get into that. If you want something like that, look for stuff like this. Look for our pods, look for our friends' pods, all that sort of stuff. But in terms of our stand-up, look, this will all go away at some stage. We will be able to go and do stand-up. If you're really concerned for us, just wait a while and go and do it do that if you want to

see our stand-up just wait a while and go and see it then yeah make a bid to when everything's back to normal get out there big time we're all going to get through this it's all going to be fine it's not as it's not as bad as anyone uh you know as a lot of people play it up to be so everything will be fine as long as we all do the right thing everything will be fine it is very funny at the moment like I was just at my gym and then now they have this

they've kind of like retooled the classes a little bit so you're like in between stations you have to like sanitize you have to like

give a spray to like the station that you were in and sanitize your hands constantly and it's just there is so much of it that's kind of

a little bit like shouldn't we arguably just be doing this day to day anyway? Totally. Like it's funny to think of like the line in the sand where it's like, all right, coronavirus is officially off everyone. Now we can all go back to being fucking disgusting. Like the idea of like going back to normal and it's like cleanliness out the window is just bizarre.

I agree. I was a big one for going to the gym with my towel every time and that slowly just slipped away and all of a sudden I'm going to the gym, never bringing a towel. And looking around, other people, no towels. And then all of a sudden this happens and it's like, yeah, you're right, I should have been using a towel the entire fucking time. Yeah.

Their emails from businesses being like, here's what we're doing. The restaurants being like, get all right we're doing. Oh, man. The restaurants being like, get all right, guys. We're taking this seriously. We're making the people in the kitchen wash their hands. And it's like, I would like to have thought that that went without saying that you were doing that. Man, I was loving it today, racking up the different businesses. Same.

With their responses to the current situation. It's like, cool. I wonder what New Balance Footwear are doing in this day and age. Totally, yeah. Oh, here's a big fucking list. Yeah, I don't think anyone was concerned about, yeah, getting it in the change room at General Pants. Like, if they're going out to get jeans, you know what I mean?

Oh, look, you know, there's ones coming out from Kraft Cheese and stuff. It's like, what the fuck? No one asked for this. You're probably all worried about Whether you're going to be able to stock up on singles For the coming lockdown It's not even that sort of information Because it's like New Balance

They're not like going Okay Can everyone stop hoarding sneakers It's like It's just these weird comments going Oh this is what we're doing Who gives a fuck what you're doing You know

I know I bought a pair of shoes from you once two years ago. Yeah. But I don't need to hear the fucking update of what the CEO thinks about it. Right. Guys, if you buy these online, we're not going to be coughing into the box before we post them out to you. Yeah, yeah, totally. It is a bit, I mean, being on anything's mailing list can be tedious enough at the best of

times, but today was just critical mass of it. But look, what you were saying, what it but um look what you were saying what we were talking about you were saying particularly to me over the weekend that thing where you know fingers crossed this is all this is all effectively blows over at some stage in the in the short to middle distance of time maybe you don't want to underplay it but you know you also don't want to say this is the end of the world people get very uh anxious and uptight and it doesn't do anyone any uh their mental health any good as well i think that's a big part of this at the moment yeah um but uh like you were saying hopefully

we look back at this in weeks and months like uh whatever it was coney 12 or coney 14 or whatever yeah 12 yeah where it was like fuck this is the biggest thing in the world and two weeks later it was like fuck remember when we were worried about that thing? What the fuck was that? Yeah, I was thinking ahead about like in December, because, you know, March, it's still relatively early on in the year. The idea of like the year-end clip show of like just watching that back. And it's like, and then of course in March,

we had the coronavirus. We're like, oh, fuck, that was this year? Because, I mean, you know, there's a US election to go between now and then, which will occupy a lot of the news cycle when it comes around. It'll be a huge thing. Like, yeah, I mean, that's the hope. It's feeling bigger than that as time goes on.

But, yeah, I mean, who knows? Rightio. Be safe and be good to each other. One good thing is that, look, the Norton antivirus on the unplanned title alternator is in full flow. So there's no virus on this massive piece of machinery. So that's one thing. That means, I mean, we are keeping it indoors. We are keeping it out of groups of 500 other computers.

Unplanned title alternators. Or other computers as well. Other computers in general, yeah. It doesn't just mean exactly like yourself. of 500 other computers. Unplanned tidal alternators. Yeah, or other computers as well. Other computers in general, yeah. Yeah, it doesn't just mean like that, you know, exactly like yourself that you can stay away from. We've been taking its temperature hourly. Yeah.

Just to check. Yeah. It did have a bit of a runny nose, but that's not effectively a big symptom of that. That was another thing. Yeah. That was actually just when I blew my nose on it. Ah, right. Because I was like, hang on, how can a just when i blew my nose on it ah right because i was like hang on how can a computer has yeah coming out it was not dripping down it and yeah

you got confused that was like running out of toilet paper and so i just blew my nose on a computer right yeah yeah you know that thing yeah um well that's all i had in the store was like another unplanned title alternator they didn't you know the toilet rolls were empty but oh right there was computers so you're just wiping your nose with an unplanned title alternator. They didn't, you know, the toilet rolls were empty. Oh, right. It was computers. So you're just wiping your nose with an unplanned title alternator. Yes. Wow. Yes, just to confirm. It's hard.

I mean, these really do feel like the end times. Yeah. Stuff like that is going on. You have to adapt, though. Yeah. That's true. That's the great thing about human beings. They adapt.

And if you have to blow your nose on a computer, so be it. Yeah. All right. What I think is that it's the same name as a beer. Oh, right. Yeah, right. What I think is that it's the same name as a beer. Oh, right. Yeah, right. Oh, okay. Right.

That's a fresh take. Say what you want. Say what you want about everything else. Yep. You might think certain measures are overacting. You might think some people are being underprepared. Yep. But you cannot deny, no matter which side of the fence you're on,

that it's the same name as a beer. You've got to get into memes or something, man. You've got these fresh takes on things. I like it. I like the cut of your jib. It's some good shit. Truly, though, I was thinking this last night. Do you think there's anyone?

They must be in at Corona HQ. They'd be freaking out a little bit. A little bit? Well, yeah. A little bit? Just the idea that of all other things. Nearly every company is freaking out. They would definitely be.

It's like, oh, this is just fucked our brand. Like the bizarre position they're in where it's absolutely nothing to do with them whatsoever. Well, the next day when we did, so next week's episode you'll hear us live in Brisbane. The pub we did it in Brisbane. I had in the wild since this all happened, I hadn't Brisbane I had in the wild since this all happened I hadn't seen a Corona in the wild in a pub

and just that thing of me going out to an empty pub like at the start before anyone would come in saw the Coronas in there said to the bartender how are they selling these days just you know

didn't make a big deal just sort of went how are they selling these days and it was just like a battle wearyweary response like, yep, no good. That's insane. Yeah. That's so insane. Yep.

All right. Let's fire up the unplanned title alternator and let's take a look at some of these names of people who give us money. Yeah. All right. Okay. First cap off the rank. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Mike Brown.

Brownie. Yeah. Old time listener of the show. Long, long time listener of the show. In fact, the first ever tech of our first ever live show. And the first ever tech fuck ups we ever had. The first ever meltdown I've seen whilst

trying to do tech. It was Mike friggin' Brownie. Yeah. He told, and this is back in the day where we knew jack shit about tech.

Unlike now, where we're absolute geniuses at it. Guns out, yep. And nothing bad ever happens. But he, I don't know,

he told us he knew how to do it. And we're like, we don't even know what it is so okay you can do it yeah and then we we did it and i think you know correct me if i'm wrong it felt like we said say we said you know it's an eight o'clock start i reckon we were still not letting people in at about 8 40 oh easily yeah yeah there were people out there going what the fuck's going on and it was it Mike frigging Brownie, absolutely with no poker face, sweating his little ass off,

having a proper meltdown. And instead of like normal these days, where it's us screaming at the tech going, what the fuck are you doing, idiot? It was us going, man, don't fucking drop off on us don't you yeah you're gonna pass out or something i remember just like sort of going man it's fine you know have you tried this have you have you tried have you just tried turning it on and off again yeah try this and there was just some moment where i remember just some very weird common sense sort of suggestion and it was just sort of like some click and it was like oh and all of a sudden it was all fixed and we could let people in but it was fucking weird there for a while it was just sort of like some click and it was like, and all of a sudden it was all fixed and we could let people in.

But it was fucking weird there for a while. It was, yeah. I mean, look, thanks for your help, Mike. Yeah. But, yeah, it was a very stressful afternoon, probably more so for him. Yes. I felt like we were talking him and us off a ledge at the same time. Yeah.

What show was, that was like, who were the guests on that one? Do you remember? On the first ever one? I remember, I definitely remember doing the show. It was at the old Softbelly. Yep. At a pub that's no longer there, that's now something completely different. They knocked that room out that we held it in.

Yep. And we, I remember it just being one of the best things I've ever done in my life at the time, where I was just like, you know, we'd done this silly little pod. We didn't know if anyone was listening to it. Inside of a year, I think we did this first one. So we, you know, there wasn't really many podcasts around. We didn't know if anyone was listening to it really. We put this show on.

We went, and we didn't do, I don't think we did pre-bookings because it was free. It was free. Yeah. I can tell you who was on it too. Oh, who was on it? I believe Felicity Ward, Hannibal Buress and Will Anderson. Was that the first one? I reckon it was, yeah.

That was the one during Comedy Festival. So that was that one? Yeah. Okay. I just can't believe that we let those guests wait that long. Would we have? This was still, I mean, in sydney at the time like living in sydney at the time so okay and we did do it within a year i think it may have been like ep 25 or something like that oh really it was really early on i

remember we stressed this is when we had that first live episode was when we made merch and we ended up paying a bit extra because we were running against time to get it done in time. And so we paid extra and then we got there. You know, we need it for our first live show and then we sold like three shirts. Yeah, I reckon – I mean, anyone could go back and just check and verify this. But I reckon – I think it was like ep 25 and I do believe it was within a year of

starting we could probably literally check online while we're fucking talking but what's the fun in that yeah I guess so that

it would be really fun if we just didn't know yeah and we just talk about something we don't know about we've had fun so far yeah and now you know

one of us is just scrolling through their phone infinitely less fun I'm having heaps of fun while I'm doing this. Yeah. Let the people hear how much fun you're having. Oh, boy. Poor boy.

Man, I can't believe I'm even recording anything. Doing this is way better. Yeah. How far back are you? Let's see. Fuck. Here we go. Here we go.

Yeah. You know, that's see. Fuck, what's... Here we go. Here we go. Um, yeah. You know, that was 2011. So I guess that must be right. All I've got here is the date. What? 2011. Of what? When we did it.

Oh. That episode. What are you looking up? I just googled Hannibal Buress, Little Dungeon Club. Okay. Well, now I'm coming to the party. I'm like, verification. All right. Um... I don't know to the party. I'm like verification. All right.

I don't know what you think you're going to find. Well, I'm just going to go into the podcast app and just literally scroll. Oh, there you go. I found it. Episode 25. You're right. Boom. Bang.

Thank you. 52 minutes. April 10, 2011. Wow. Okay. Fuck. That's pretty cocky of us to do it live at 25 Epsin. Yeah.

Back then. And have merch. Yeah. Doing it for like six months. Better print some t-shirts up. Yeah. But having said that, fuck, I remember it just having an absolute fucking ball. Yeah, it was great.

That thing, I remember us walking out and us not knowing that we really had any listeners. Yeah. And us coming out and just whatever we said, people knew what we were talking about. Yeah. Us just being used to being stand-ups and having to walk out and introduce yourself and not have no one know who you are or what your angle is or anything like that. And we walk out and go, hey, mates. And everyone's like, oh, fuck, we've seen it.

Yeah. Yeah. The guys. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I was so excited. Yeah. That was awesome. Yeah, it was. It was great. Thanks, frigging Brownie, for facilitating that.

Yeah. Thanks for making that happen, F. Brownie. I've never listened back to that. I presume it sounds like absolute fucking dog shit. Not a bad assumption. Yeah. Thanks, F.B. And he also ran a very prestigious comedy room at one point as well, I think.

Yeah. Mike frigging Brownie. Yeah. Called the Trump Hose, I think. Yeah. Was it Trunt? Trump Hose. Trump Hose.

It's aged. That title's aged poorly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All things considered. But 2011, different time. Trunt Hossle. Yeah. Great.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber James Usher Oh Don't mind that What do you think about that? Having the last name Usher Would be pretty cool Yeah What do you think about

Usher the musician? He's sort of a guy That I don't really know That much about Because you know That's That's getting into an era Where I'm not

I don't have my finger On the pulse You checked out a little bit Yeah Not someone who's Catalog or whatever Sit down and engage with, but he's got some bangers. If you're out at a club and you hear his background music

or at a gym or at a bar or whatever, he's got some good stuff out there. It looks like he'd be a decent bloke, I always thought. I think so, yeah. You know what the overwhelming number one thought about him is, in my head, is I remember seeing all these pictures at the time. Pammy.

Here we go. Goddess of the show. Yeah. Pammy Anderson. Just absolutely going for him one night at a party. And it was just like, here here's here's pammy absolutely going usher i've got such a crush on usher and it was there's all these pictures of her all over fawning over him yeah right and it's her and her like you know i would say i mean depending on

what era you like of pammy but to me it's like peak years prime pammy Prime Pammy is VIP. Yeah, right. Okay. Coming out of VIP even. Yep. Her and her like mid-30s, fucking great. Prime Pammy. Yeah. Yep.

Better than early 20s, mid-20s Pammy, in my humble opinion. Like a fine wine. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. She held on very well. And all over Usher and just Usher looking a little bit oblivious and Pammy just being smitten and me going, you motherfucker. But full respect.

Imagine being Usher. Full respect. Yeah. He's in the film Hustlers as himself very briefly in a cameo. Right. And he's very funny in it. Oh, right. And that kind of made me think,

I think Usher seems like he'd be a really cool guy. Yeah, well, there you go. Yeah. I can see, now knowing that, I can see what Pammy sees in him. Yeah, right. Oh, man. Fuck. Peak Pammy.

Peak Pammy. Imagine. Absolutely imagine. What do you think the chances are that they hooked up? 100%. You reckon? Yes. Isn't it interesting to think about the number of like, you know, obviously celeb couples

get reported on constantly, but the number of like just celeb roots that roots that they've been, that the common folk will never find out about. Yes, I agree. A little bit harder these days, but definitely back in those days, oh they they she dated such and such and it's like i never saw them go out or anything it was like literally just like them saying yeah she rooted dean kane yeah right right oh that's what lucky woman yeah so imagine sucking off superman oh pretty cool would be pretty awesome that would be a pretty cool cool adventure of Lois and Clark. If it was like just Pammy going down on Clark Kent. Superman has to root Pammy to save the world. Yeah.

Yeah. Has to get a hall pass from Lois Lane to root Pammy. Lex Luthor sent a Pammy made of kryptonite to suck off Superman. Yes. That's the cliffhanger. That's the ultimate, that's the fail-safe plan to bring down Superman. Yes. That's the cliffhanger. That's the ultimate, that's the fail-safe plan to bring down Superman. Yeah, that's like, and it'd have to be like, somehow Lois just finds out about the plan,

sees him about to orgasm, which means die. Yes. And then she... So hang on, why? In that world... He's next to Kryptonite. Once she's sucking him off, he'd already be getting sick. There'd be some plot device which I...

You've got to have something mean. I know you're not into comics, but it's not like Superman doesn't die if he comes into Kryptonite. It's just the Kryptonite being around him. Look, I'm trying... This is not my show, right? I'm trying to fit within the plot restraints of their show. But you're not.

But I'm sure I would be. You're flying in the face of it. I'm sure I would be. I'm sure to fit within the plot restraints of their show. But you're not. But I'm sure I would be. You're flying in the face of it. I'm sure I would be. I'm sure that would somehow make sense. Okay. And then he's about to come and then that means dying. And then suddenly Lois would have to go in there and take one for the team. And then somehow bump Pammy out of the way because kryptonite means nothing to her.

And then all of a sudden he orgasms in Lois' mouth instead. Right. And she just absolutely takes one for the team. Right. But you've got to like, but you don't want to like end that sexual chemistry between Lois and Clark. So then he does that. She has to cop that. Happy to do that to save his life, to save Superman's life.

And then afterwards they have to have that sort of thing of, oh, that was a bit awkward. And, you know, she wipes her mouth and goes, oh, well, you know. All in a day's work. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. What I like is that the idea that this plan is predicated on this taking down of Superman has to happen at the point of orgasm.

Yes. Surely if you're just getting that close to him, you're in a position where you can just, like, slip the kryptonite up his arse or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it being, like, you have to suck him to the point of ejaculation. Well. Otherwise this plan will not work.

Look, this is the early 90s, you know. True. You know, this is back when you look at Seinfeld episodes where you go, this could have all been solved with a mobile phone. True, yeah, yeah. It's a different time. They hadn't invented an alternative to a kryptonite Pamela Anderson sucking you off to kill you back then.

These days, you know, we've got mobile phones. We've got other ways of killing superheroes. Yep, yep. Exactly. Thanks, Usher. Thanks, Usher. Thanks, James Usher. Not the Usher.

I don't want to read out thanks, the actual Usher, because he's never given us a dime. Oh, yeah, then he won't subscribe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. So let's make that very clear. Thanks, James Usher. It was James Usher who may or may not have rooted Pamela Anderson, whereas we know that I'm pretty positive that Usher has.

James Usher, question mark. Yeah, big question mark. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Dan Tom. Dan Tom. That's T-H-O-M. What do you think about that? Initial thoughts? As in short for Thomas, which is your name.

It is my name. Yeah, well, I mean, is it? Isn't it? It's just your surname. It's not really short for anything. Well, it could be. I mean, Dan Thomas makes a hell of a lot more sense than Dan Tom. Dan Thom.

Maybe he's... Yeah, interesting. I mean, we've talked about this before, the idea of just having a nickname. Just like, you know, you can shorten your first name. You can go by, like, Tim if you're Timothy. Yeah. The idea of doing that for your surname. Yeah.

Don't mind it. Yeah. It's a very flat name. Dan Tom. Why wouldn't you stick with Thomas? Yeah, I'd prefer Dan Tom without the H as well. Just go. Just own it.

Just go three letters each. Dan Tom. Little license plate style. Ooh. You're able to get that in on a custom plate. No worries. Have a little bit of a diamond in between the two. No space. So someone says your name and you're like i'm sorry i think you were actually pronouncing a

space yeah um i hate to be pedantic but there's actually a little diamond in there yeah yeah yeah and if you could say uh the state to be as well that's also part of my name yeah exactly exactly that'd be good. The Garden State. What's our one at the moment? Are we the... Oh, they changed them though. It used to be just like traditional. Like, were we the Garden State or was that South Australia? I love the fact that they changed them around

as if anyone gives a flying fuck what they say. Yeah. Oh, mate, did you see the new license plates are out? Yeah. What's the slogan going to be? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember when I lived in Mirabar and I was like, I got my first job at the newspaper up there and I'm like 22 or something like that.

They had a competition to design the logo of the Shire or something like that. Okay. And it had one of those. It was like, you know, the place to be or something like that. Yep. And winning it and like being oh this is cool and then realizing how many other graphic designers are there in mirror bar none great i would have been the only person that fantastic went for it yeah um and then i just remember seeing that logo absolutely

nowhere else and they just was like congratulations here's the 150 prize or whatever it was that's not bad and then i don't remember remember. Like, I'm assuming. And then just seeing them just absolutely not use it anyway. Right. So, which to be fair, I was like, where would you use a fucking logo for whatever the fuck this was in Maribor? Yeah. But, Tom.

Dan Tom. Dan Tom. Daniel. What if it's Dan? Yeah, I mean, you could go daniel thomas daniel thomas yeah yeah he may as well that's that's that's a proper name whereas dan dan thomas it's i don't know it feels me it leaves me wanting this kind of feels like someone who's wanted to come up with a fake name but just way just not imaginative at all is this someone that's just the most

shithouse version of witness relocation? Yep. Has just chopped the AS off his name. Yep. That'll fool him. Yep. Whereas if you just type Dan Tom

into Facebook, it'll just auto-correct it and put Thomas there anyway. Exactly. Yeah. Could be Thomas Daniels. Oh. Maybe he's flipped

the script that way. I wouldn't have thought like that. No. So that's quite tricky. This is like we're trying to solve a murder. Yeah, yeah murder yeah yeah yeah

this is we've become a true crime fucking podcast but with names of people that haven't done anything well thanks Danny Tomo I'm gonna

I'm gonna fucking look him up good luck oh found him straight away so thanks for the luck wow thanks for the luck I haven't really found

much detail on him to to be completely honest. I mean, I don't know. What do you expect his bio to say? This is a shortened name. There is. There's a picture of him. Do you want to see a picture of him? That's the sort of person that subscribes to us.

Interesting. That's exactly what I would have expected. Really? Yeah. Great. A 10 out of 10. Wow. Yeah.

Completely fuckable. You want to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. If a kryptonite version of Dan Tom went to suck you off, you'd be dead by 10. Wow. Yeah. Completely fuckable. You want to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. If a kryptonite version of Dan Tom went to suck you off, you'd be dead by now. Exactly. Wow. The highest compliment you can pay anyone. Totally.

Yeah. Real flirting. Wow. Well, thanks, Dan. You'd be a dead usher right now, Tommy Dasolo. Thanks, Tomo. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, well, well.

Well, I was hoping. I thought it was too good to be true to have someone with Usher as a name. I thought, well, this has been a good one already. We've had something to play with. Something like a bit of uniqueness. Yep. Wow. We've got it by the motherlode right here, Tomo.

Oh, my God. Thank you to Patreon subscriber David Goodchap. Have we not read this guy out before? I swear to God we've riffed on Goodchap in the past. I reckon he might have a relation. There's a Goodchap dynasty. I've got the filter on where it means you're not getting double ups. Okay.

So maybe we've done another good chap. I love that. Not mad at that at all. The good chap brothers. The good chaps. Good chaps. The good chaps. Fuck.

I don't know. I hope we haven't. He went to Samui. Okay. Yeah. Maybe that's where I remember the name from Yeah I feel like

I feel like we've riffed on this before Really? I mean you don't forget a name like that Well that's it But like you said Maybe it's that Samui thing Yeah maybe And look also

Well if he truly is a good chap He'll let us know And if he's If he's If he's a great chap And this is the second time we've read it out, he'll subscribe again so that we get double the money because he's gotten two bites of the cherry.

So the ball's in your court, good chap. Yeah. I reckon there's more than one of them. I'm pretty sure there's more than one of them. That is the best possible outcome. Yeah. Multiple good chaps and more than one of them subscribes on Patreon. Yeah. Incredible. Yeah. Multiple good chaps. Yeah. And more than one of them subscribes on Patreon. Yeah.

Incredible. Yeah. Well, you know, it's all in the name, you know. There's no bad chaps subscribing to us. I like how I'm just entranced by your philosophy of, like, there's more than one good chap. Like, I've never heard of the idea of a surname before. Really?

You think there's another guy? I truly for a second did think like, wow, yeah, maybe there is someone out there with that second name as well. Yeah. Possibly his parents. Yeah. For starters. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure they didn't give birth and just went, yeah, he looks like a David and not one of us. Yeah. He's going to have to come up with a different surname as well. He'll have our surname surname but then we're changing ours yeah yeah yeah yeah right right fuck that would be interesting yeah that would be great if you had a kid that was so shit when you change your own name yeah one year in i'm off this fuck um yeah look we we you know you because you see those people you see those people

with like the real bad surn, like the proper bad ones, the names, like words that are actually offensive now. Right. And you go, fuck, you didn't like... I know that you want to be loyal to your family and all that sort of stuff, and you probably think, I know this is a bad word, but my parents had this, my grandparents.

It's almost like it's blasphemy against your parents to change your name. But my name is absolute dog cunt. Right. Boy, I really thought you were going to take a punt at just a single word there. And I was like, I honestly prefer you not. Yep. Yep.

I mean, look, again, at the moment, I know there's bigger problems in the world. But I think we'd find out pretty quickly how true that is. Look, maybe on episode 25, I would have done that. Well, but a different kettle of fish because no one would have heard it. The mic fucking sounded like you were down a well. Exactly, yeah. But, yeah, good chap. Okosumuiite.

Mm-hmm. What salad days, what halcyon days they were, bringing hundreds of people to Asia, and compared to now, not being supposed to leave the house. We were talking about this over the weekend. If this had been last year and we're staring down the barrel of a London trip and a Koh Samui trip would have been brutal. I mean, it's brutal for everyone. Again, very briefly, classic us.

We have this great 500th episode coming up, nearly sold out, huge theater, blah, blah, blah. Classic us, all of a sudden something comes in that could potentially fuck it up. Yep. And numerous people have commented on that to us. But look, you know what? A year before, it would have fucked up, you know, hundreds of people going to fucking Asia on our behalf. Yes. So that's probably a worse thing that could have happened.

Right. Because that would have impacted on a lot of other people and fucked a lot of people up rather than, you know, maybe this could be, you know, we don't know what's happening. We don't know. We don't know what's happening yet. But thanks, Goodchap. But I just scrolled through David Goodchap's feed on Facebook

and it made me happy because he's got a lot of Thailand. He's living up to the name? He's got, yeah me happy because he's got a lot of Thailand. He's living up to the name? He's got, yeah, well, he's got a lot of Thailand pics there. So it's making me look at it and go, fucking hell, this is, I wouldn't mind being there at the moment. And there's also a pic of him in a bar that I believe I've never been to. And I might potentially be a little bit jealous of. Ooh. Does it look good?

Fuck. Yeah, I've got the feeling he's in some bar that, this sort of like rooftop bar in the middle of fucking nowhere. Yeah, that's it. He's fucking there. I haven't been there, and I want to go there. Fuck, I can't believe these people have been there, and I didn't even know about it.

Because he's with like all a bunch of other listeners. They've all fucking been there. I've never been there. I was going to go there with Rosenbachs like a couple of months ago. We fucking didn't go there. God damn it. I'm not such a good chap now. How was it good chap?

Let us know how that bar was. It's like a rooftop bar like down south a bit. It looks real good anyway. Fuck. Damn it. Now I'm i'm now i'm really negative now i'm getting you've turned i mean i could deal with what's going on in the in the world at the moment but missing out on a bar eight months ago missing out on a bar in kosimo yeah fucking hell i feel like a fucking failure well yeah thanks good chap even though you've you've upset my podcasting partner here with – Yeah. Anyway, look, let's shut up the shop here.

We'll do one more. I need to go back to my house and get inside and all that sort of stuff. And look, I think I've done my bit of keeping it as positive as I can and steering talk to other subjects and stuff like that. Happier subjects. Yep, you've done a great job. Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

Never thought I'd hear myself say this, but you were the ray of sunshine I needed today. So let's just do one more. Yeah, okay. One more will do us. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. We're all going to fucking die comedy.

Wow. Oh, wow. Comedy. Damn. There Patreon subscriber We're All Gonna Fucking Die Comedy. Wow. Oh wow. Comedy. Damn. There's a surname. That's a real contradiction. What is?

Well I mean the contrast in the first name and the surname. We're All Gonna Fucking Die Comedy. I don't know what to think.

I didn't feel like slightly mixed messages. It doesn't seem like a mixed message compared to sort of what we did in Brisbane on the weekend.

Fair. Save it for next week, though. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks. We're all going to fucking die. And thank you to everyone who supports the show on Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for links to the social media and all that kind of stuff. Back episodes. Yeah. Get on there. You know, like I said, feel free to forward our bullshit onto someone else. Good time to share that sort of, if not share anything else around, at least share the podcast around. Exactly. That would be cool.

Other people might be into it. And, you know, that's the sort of thing that we like people doing any week of the year, let alone at the moment. So if you like a particular episode, have a think about what you liked. Or the last two years we've done best ofs. You know, that's sort of the gift pack that's easy to pass on to someone. Yeah. So get on to that. Take care, guys.

Stay safe. We'll see you next week. Thanks, guys. See you, mate.