The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 495 - Nazeem Hussain & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

Chill out, folks, we recorded this a few weeks ago! We've crammed NAZEEM HUSSAIN and TOM BALLARD into Tommy's bunker for one of our final catch-ups before we go into full lockdown. We talk about Tommy's bedroom plans for the isolation period, Ballard's weight and love life, Nazeem's Instagram live streams and plenty more! It's fun, stupid and loose, just how you guys like it.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Nazeem Hussain. Carl, this show is on Patreon, if people would like some bonus content. Sure is. If you want more content, or if you simply would like to give back to the creators of that content, ourselves, you can go to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, or you can just go to littledumbdumbclub.com and find all the different links for our Patreon, for previous episodes, for merch, all that sort of stuff. And we're going to tell you more information about all that sort of jazz at the end of this program when we have a very extended segment called Talking Dum Dum. Yes, until then, enjoy this episode with Tom Ballard and Nazeem Hussain.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dumumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And we are joined in the bunker today by two very special friends of the show, Nazeem Hussain and Tom Ballard.

I told you this would happen if we allowed gays to get married. We aren't married. What. We aren't married. What? We aren't married. No, no. Wow. What are you saying about her? Did you just come out?

A lot has changed in this world. This is like the plane going down in Almost Famous. Give everything a go before we all die. Why not? Yeah. I had pegging on my list for 2020. I'd better hop to it, otherwise I'm out of time. Please explain pegging to the same person.

What's pegging? Pegging is... When a man and a woman love each other very much, and they get bored after a while, and the man wants to get fucked up the ass, then the woman does it. Oh. Puts on a strap on and...

Put a strap on, right, okay. You're seriously considering it for 2020? Right. Wait, so the guy wants to be gay? No. No. No. He wants to be bi.

Not gay. I'm not gay. You've done it. You've done it. You had a go. I'm contemplating it. Have you done it? No, I haven't done it.

What do you think contemplating means? Okay, but would you just try it by yourself first before you ask someone else? He would fuck himself up the ass, yes. Yeah, would you just... It is long enough to bend around and stick into my own ass. Oh, you're on your own dick. No, I'm talking about like...

Just like a butt plug or... Yeah, or a vegetable, whatever. A vegetable, yeah. Use a mirror. Yeah, well, I mean... Use a mirror? Yeah, you could just look... It's sharp.

Vegetables are probably about to become a hot commodity. I don't know that I can be, you know, being so... Oh, just use your finger. Do you think we'll see in sex stores people beating each other down trying to get the last dildo and stuff? No, bashing in Dastlo's window trying to get his dick. Stockpiling him, just 80 dildos packed under my bed for a rainy day. But, yeah, I mean, I thought maybe long-term project

later in the year, but who knows, maybe that's going to be shuffled up the schedule. Is this serious? Shuffled up the schedule? I'll fucking say. This is a bit,

or what's happening here? No, I truly have been thinking about getting it a nudge. About getting your girlfriend to fuck you in the eyes. Wait, you've got a girlfriend still,

right? Yeah. As of the time of recording. Have you spoken to her about this yeah and what did she say she's into it

you haven't been together that long that's not a good sign that things are entertaining in the bedroom if you've like gone okay are we

going out are we steady are we exclusive yes can you fuck me in the ass because this is boring already

no it's got nothing to do with being boring it's just got to do with you know why not you know there's a rich world No, it's got nothing to do with being boring. It's just got to do with, you know, why not? You know, there's a rich world out there.

It's 2020. Also, like... I've been waiting. I've been waiting. 2017, I was keen, but I was like, seems like more of a 2020 thing. I'm going to give this three more years. Either of those points aren't a good argument to me. It's a rich world out there.

Yeah, there's a lot more stuff out there to do than getting fucked in the ass by a woman. Yeah, why waste your time in the bedroom when you could be out there exploring that rich world? Imagine you've got seven days to live.

Yes. You've got to pack your seven days with everything. You've got to pack your ass with everything. You've got to fudge pack your last seven days.

All the experiences that you've put off for the rest of your boring ass life. Can I just say very quickly? All you've done in your life is run comedy rooms seven days. All the experiences that you put off for the rest of your boring ass life. Can I just say very quickly? All you've done in your life is run comedy rooms. Yeah. All right?

And go to Thailand. And talk all this shit. Thank you. And go to Thailand. Missionary once every six months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Live a little, Carl. That must be nice.

Can I say that the other day I made a joke about a country being called Fudge Pakistan and then we went on a riff in an Uber on the way to a gig and then he pulled it out and said, I'm going to Fudge Pakistan and the Uber driver stopped listening to a comedy special and just pissed himself off. What's the context of this? I don't really love... I don't like an Uber driver that gets involved in the conversation,

but I do like having him hear a bit of chuckle at what you're saying. Did you say that the Uber driver laughed just because you were... You're just trying to clarify that like a Pakistani person laughed along? No, no, I didn't say that. You know we're making the connection with Uber driver and someone from the subcontinent. Okay, no, no, to be clear. It feels like someone made a joke about Chinese people and... No, no, no, to be clear. It feels like someone made a joke about Chinese people. No, no, no, no, sorry.

Oh, I don't think that way like you. So, no. So, was he South Asian? I don't. Was he brown? I don't see nationality. You don't even remember. I don't see nationality.

And also, he was only an Uber driver. He's beneath me, whatever he was. So, why even look in the driver's seat? How long after the phrase Fudge Pakistan was coined did you think, we need to book Nazeem and Tom for the podcast? That reminds me. That's your double act name. Fudge Lanka.

He likes curries and I don't eat them before getting fucked in the ass. Also, you're a bit chubby. Oh, wow. You know what? Fudge is high in calories. Guys, this is about the fifth one of these we've done this week. Can we slow down the pace? Because it's been three minutes and we've covered about eight different topics.

Well, to be honest, 20 seconds in, you said, I want to get fucked in the ass by a woman. I thought that'd be the whole hour. We've been talking about an Uber all of a sudden. And Tom being fat. Oh, sorry. No one said that except for you twice. The gyms are closed, you see. We've been talking about an Uber all of a sudden. And Tom being fat. Oh. Sorry. No one said that except for you twice. The gyms are closed, Nazeem.

The gyms are closed. They were open before the pandemic. Hey, he's stockpiling food in his belly, all right? We're all in this together. Your body is so un-Australian, mate. Really? You're stockpiling There are people out there

Elderly people who need the food I will not be lectured on un-Australian from you, sir From a bunch of Pakistanis From a dick, get it India I think this pandemic has actually been pretty good for the podcast so far we've had to cancel a lot of shows

but I mean my god the content is thriving and no one can complain about this because you know this offensive behaviour can't get in the news because there's other stuff

happening honestly you can do anything right now if someone wants to get in a truck and drive down Bourke Street there's no one there

to knock down is what I'm trying to say I'm saying it's good. Get it out of your system. Written and spoken by Nazeem Hussain. So you're saying, think of the guy that's been planning this for months and then he finally goes down there,

peak hour Friday night, empty. Just hitting a few tumbleweeds like, fuck my special day, ruined by the pandemic. Yeah, like to commit a terrorist attack right now, you need dense places where the public gather there's no

you can't so this is this whole pandemic is actually a feel good story is that what you're saying it's a feel good story I think like we've

really fooled the terrorists here yeah yeah great they've got to think differently just a couple million old people had to die for it but

you know whatever who cares at least some people at the Target store in Bourke Street Mall didn't get blown up as I was trying to get two-for-one Bondi briefs. I'm not going to laugh at this bit. Bondi briefs. Bonds briefs.

On the other side of this, this will be something that maybe makes news there. Yeah, so everyone, just so you know at home, Nazeem didn't laugh, but he's got a raging hard-on at the moment. See if by the time we put this up because we're recording it a while in advance it's just all blown over we're thinking like

who gives a rat's ass when we put it up everything's completely back to normal by the time this comes out people are going to be like why the fuck were four people in a room

together you fucking Tommy gave the mics a wipe down before we started I did he just so everyone knows at home this was

recorded in 2008. Can we say how early this is going to be? Really early. Christmas Day. If we look at the graphs, a lot of people are going to die, right? Yeah. Maybe one of us is going to die. Yeah, maybe.

Who do you reckon? Do you want to put in a betting pool? No, I'm not going to. Stop looking at Ballard. But that's got nothing to do with coronavirus. Diabetes. Different virus. What is this?

What is this? I've never seen Nazeem be so nasty. I don't know where this came from. You've gone crazy. No, you have gone a bit stir crazy because you've been getting on Instagram live stories every night and singing along with whatever Destiny's Child song you've got in the mix. I feel like if you don't see the people, they're not real people.

They're just numbers on the screen. So it doesn't feel like – I'll feel embarrassed and shameful to do that in public. What about you? What are you guys doing on – Nothing. We've just been stockpiling these episodes really

this is like the 13th podcast of some format that I've recorded in a week me and Dastlo have just been giving the virus

back and forward to each other and then just getting over it and then getting it again the next podcast we're pegging each other with corona

always gets back to that I just want to take all that fat shaming back who do you think That's a good question though Who of us is the most at risk If we got the virus Okay

I've got a history of diabetes in my family Okay And I've got a history of diabetes in my body Are you immunocompromised? In theory Not immunocompromised I mean I've got high blood pressure

Which does put you in a higher risk thing. But I mean, I take stuff for it. So day to day, my blood pressure isn't high. But I think if I had missed a couple of days of taking it and I got it, maybe it would be worse for me. Your blood pressure would go up if you were getting pegged. That's a good point. I should take double that day.

I should take double of the meds that day. Someone else's blood pressure would go up on the other side of it as well, I think. Well, it's not like the blood can be pumping through that. It's fucking rubber. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. I forgot how physics works for a second. I forgot how women work.

What did you have? You had cancer, wasn't it? Yeah, yes, Nazeem. It was cancer. You know full well it was cancer. No, I've actually never. I mean, why not? We've got, you know, we're in isolation.

We've been stockpiling these. We're running out of things to talk about. Maybe it's time to finally mention the fact on this podcast that I had cancer when I was 12. Did you not wash your hands at the time? Is that why you got it? It was leukemia, yeah? No.

No. It was called aplastic anemia. Did I tell you how I once met someone whose husband had leukemia and I completely stuffed up? A long time ago, I was doing an audit. I was working at a professional services firm, PwC. Anyway, I don't know why I had to meet... Would you say you're a number crunching curry muncher? Oh, no.

Oh, no. At least I'm only crunching numbers. Okay. Sorry. I'm calling you fat again. Yeah, right. I'd have worked that one out myself. I'm like you fat again. Yeah, right. I had to work that one out myself. I'm like, what is he crunching?

Week three. We have to put the jokes together ourselves. Look, I'm going to say a range of words. You guys do what you need to do. So I was doing this audit. Anagram comedy. When you're a bottom-run guy, you go out and you actually literally count stock. I was doing a stock take. Yeah, I'm When you're a bottom-run guy, you go out and you actually literally count stock. I was doing a stock take.

Yeah, I'm planning on being a bottom-run guy, but anyway. A messy bottom-run guy. That's a gay thing. Yes, Nazeem. Fuck it, hell, mate. So many code words. Why don't you just say the things that you're doing? You're right.

Gay people should be more explicit about the amount of fucking we do. Stop hiding your secrets. Stop hiding your dick in people's bums. From a cunt giving out secret hand signals on the project and shit. I feel like we've literally lost our minds.

This is what it is, isn't it? It's a roast. It's just a 24-hour roast. This is what our lives are now. Just stuck in a room going, Oh, yeah, you're fat. Your mum's loose. Yeah.

I've got this recurring weird fantasy. Not fantasy, but weird idea about like a situation like this where I'm stuck on a plane and like you're on the plane and the plane just goes forever. And there's like a stewardess or whatever that comes up and down. You're just in that same seat forever.

And then the stewardess is like, yeah, we'll be there soon. And you just never get there. In 9-11, all the flights are grounded too. And you're not allowed off the plane. So they're on planes for like 40 hours. Is your citation here the musical Come From Away? You're damn right it is.

I'm gay. I learn everything from musicals. Did you not learn about the birds and bees? You learned about guys and dolls? Is that it? Deep cut! I like it. Very nice.

Anyway, you're doing the audit. Let's just recap. We've got audit, we've got pegging. That's going to happen. You had something as well. I'll have something. You love the musical. We're on the verge of something offensive coming from you.

Anyway, so I was counting stock, and the woman came up to me as I was counting, and she kept talking to me, so I kept losing my count. Anyway, I'll make it small talk. And she was really sad. She goes, really good to have someone here that I could chat to. You know, mix it up. Work's been a bit weird.

Come back to work. I go, why come back to work? And she said, her husband's been sick. And I go, oh, is he he gonna be all right she goes oh yeah he's got leukemia and i said oh lucky it's just leukemia and she goes what do you mean lucky it's just leukemia i go oh it could have been cancer um leukemia is cancer and i was like oh sorry because in my brain i thought leukemia was just what happens when your hair falls out. And I thought it was just like... Alopecia. Alopecia.

It's like a side effect of cancer treatment. I was like, oh, you're going through the leukemia part of your cancer. Right. Or something. But that still means they have cancer. Even if that's what you think it is, that still means they have cancer. I thought it was something that happens. It's another condition, but it's not cancer itself.

It just makes your hair fall out. It's like getting a rash when you have a cold or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah my husband has leukemia oh it'll grow back he's actually coming and chewing me up but it was the most awkward I fucked up

I wish people could have seen as you said that Carl and Tom recoiled as if they touched like a boiling hot plate or something I took off my coat I got too hot

yeah you're a bad man I'm pretty bad how do you what do you say to that? I just, oh. 26, 27. And this is in the middle of someone you're auditing? Yeah.

So brutal. You're auditing them. I was auditing them, yeah. Oh, that's bad. No, it's for them. It's not like an ATO. It's like they have to present their financials. So, look, it's hard to they have to present their financials so look

it's hard to get away from it but you know the situation we're all in at the moment I went to the supermarket this morning

and on the way back I walked through the gym the property of the gym that I used to go to until they closed it and you know it's interesting to see

how people's behaviours changed already like we're talking about you know we're like a week into sort of people really fucking realising what's going on or whatever. I walked through the gym car park and a lady had just driven there, parked there and then got all of her home gym shit out of her car and was just working out in the middle of the car park. What? Yeah.

She couldn't work out at home. I think she's just trying to keep the habit up or whatever. So instead of doing it at home, she just put all the shit. In the car park. And worked out as close to the gym as she could. I reckon she would have had an argument with her husband or partner or whatever. There's other places that you can go to that are not the gym car park, though. Maybe she made a commitment to a PT like, you will be here every day yeah yeah yeah rain hail i don't care there's a global pandemic

yeah yeah yes sir she's paid the membership she's like i'm gonna make the most of this very strange yeah go to the park yeah like the idea of like being being in the gym that's unsanitary that's unhealthy it might be bad for for me but chucking my mat onto the bitumen can't see any problems there totally and I walk past and I just because I was looking at her

and you don't know what to think I don't know what I'm supposed to even whether I'm supposed to look or keep my eyes away because it's like this woman is insane

I was looking at her and she sort of looked back you're staring at a woman in a car park well I had to walk through there but yeah it was a bit weird

she sort of looked at me a bit like oh this is weird and then went nah at me A bit like Oh this is weird And then went Nah fuck it I can do this This is a new world The gym's completely closed up

Right What was her home gym? Oh she's just doing like A couple of dumbbells Yeah yeah yeah Like kettlebells And stuff like that Like she was just doing

One kettlebell Like a big kettlebell And I was like Oh that's a bit weird And then as I kept walking Her car had just been left open And there was fucking All bits and pieces Just hanging out of it pieces hanging out of it no no no no no

no no just heavy shit i i went to to rebel sport to buy a home gym or just as much as i thought i'd get dumbbells and all the dumbbells are sold out except for like uh the light ones yeah so i've got a couple of light ones great skipping rope oh skipping rope would have been a good idea skipping rope's good that's cardio yeah

and then you just need some weights and YouTube sorry cardio is that a Muslim thing cardio it's like the opposite of eating these

hot cross buns you had some I had some it's the opposite of what you were doing this morning cardio oh

that's pretty funny that's something that's a pun that's pretty funny. That's something. That's a pun. Thank you. I thought he was going to do it so I thought I'd do it. That's how you know Carl's lost his mind

in isolation. He's turning to puns. Goddamn. Got cabin fever. I am, my last appearance on this podcast, I mentioned a smooching

and acrobat and I've been spending a lot of time with him in this period and he lives in a share house. They've closed circus school, guys. Circus school is closed down because of the current situation. But we need the essentials open.

Well, indeed. Essential services. We're going to need someone to mop up the elephant's piss after our graduation ends. Stealing more valor from me, Tommy Dassey. I believe we've talked about that on the show before. Yeah, we've mentioned it. I think that's on record as being a KC original.

Oh, okay. That's good. What's that? Us watching a circus performer at a gig once. Who does comedy as well. Who does comedy. Or who used to do comedy. Yeah.

Doesn't anymore. Oh, we'll talk about it later. And, yeah, Carl leaning into me and going, when's this cunt going to get back to mopping up the elephant's pit? Oh, my God. Who the hell did... Talk about it later. You know.

You know. Your best mate. Probably your mate. Akmal. He's your mate. No, no. Yeah, the classic bearded woman, Akmal. Bearded woman.

And then, anyway, they're just training. They've got to keep training, otherwise they'll lose all their circusy skills. So they've just set up like a mat and stuff in the background, and there's just training out there. I'm sitting there watching, going like, can we go and have sex? I do love it because given the circumstances,

the king of politics, Tom Ballard, and the environment, and the Bo people. The other day I said to you, man, I hope we shut down so we can beat this virus. And you're like, fuck this. I want to go and fuck my circus buddy. To which Carl replied, people fucking bats is how this whole thing started.

Nice. Acrobat? That's the actual version. They just go, oh, no, he ate it. He just ate a bat. Maybe that's what, you know. It's apparently like, you know, well, Chappelle's stand-up anyway, and I think it was an old theory, that like AIDS started because someone had sex with a bat. Maybe that's what, you know. It's apparently like, you know, well, Chappelle's stand-up anyway,

and I think it was an old theory, that like AIDS started because someone had sex with a monkey. Yeah. But maybe it was eat a monkey. I think it was cutting monkey meat. Yes. It's a real theory. It originated through cross-contamination.

That's how all this stuff. Cutting up different bits of meat in the same place, wasn't it? I believe that to be it. A man pegged a monkey, yeah. Yeah. And they would have just, they would have had to lick the dildo. Because if you're pegging,

it's not you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're trying to make sense of something he made up that's clearly not true. It's time well spent.

Appreciate the commitment to the craft though. Hey, we're not up on stage. We've got to be working stuff out somewhere. So I do love that a bit of like audience in the crowd, just sort of like someone doing a completely ridiculous joke and someone going, question, just want to fact check that bit where you flew.

People can't fly. Yeah, that would make sense. This is an episode where when you tag me on Instagram, I don't think I can share this. I don't think I can because I've got too many like family members who listen to podcasts and bullshit. Or just support me, you know? Okay.

And they'll swipe up and they'll disown me. Okay. Well, shout out to... Maybe if you put a sanitized version up. Well, no. Well, no one will listen. A hand sanitized version. No!

It's still... I've been self-isolating for years. I didn't even know Kim Jong was ill. That's the worst. I didn't even know Kim Jong was ill. What do we think comedically? It's hard to imagine the post-COVID comedy. The first gig back where everyone's just, A, everyone's rusty because no one's gigged for fucking six months and people have just been in isolation riding COVID gear.

I'll be red hot because of my Insta lives. Say my name, say my name. Please, everyone listening to this, and hopefully Naz is still keeping up by now, but every night when Naz goes online with his live Insta feed, I get on there and ask him what he's had for dinner. So everyone ask Naz because I know for a fact that his fridge is full with muscle food. Meal prep.

Meal prep, yeah. My muscle chef. My muscle chef, yes. It's embarrassing. I love it. Because I love that food as well, but I just know that your fridge is entirely filled with it. It's a $10 meal that you can get at the supermarket at the IGA.

Or if you go on Instagram, you find the My Muscle Chef influencers and they have codes. Oh, really? And they deliver home. I should get sponsorship out of this shit. You should. Or this podcast. Man, you're ripped.

You should do it. You should go, man, check this out. I'm not ripped, but I'm also no Tom Bell. No. Sorry, bro. Can I be honest? I'm fucking an acrobat, mate. I'm doing fine.

Thank you very much. Is the acrobat more ripped than you? He's doing all right. He's doing all right. He's doing just fine. Yeah, great.. Is the acrobat more ripped than us? I feel like this is the middle. He's doing all right. He's doing just fine. Yeah, great. What, the acrobat's what? He's more ripped than you.

Yeah, I'm not going to contest that. Good. Good. You're a bit of a secret rip guy, though. Like, you're a bit of a Kamal Nanjani. Dude, what are you talking about? He put a picture up on Instagram. Yeah, but yeah, he did that after...

He's from Pakistan, too. Yeah. He's from Fudge, Pakistan. When he did that after... He's from Pakistan too. Yeah. He's from Fudge, Pakistan. When he did that, he'd been secret for like a year. He'd been ripped for a year working out for you.

No one had any idea. So that's what you are at the moment. I'm trying to get as ripped as I can. Yeah. If you go to the gym, that's the point.

Yeah. But also the challenge is as you can see, I'm like slowly getting through one entire hot cross bun here. Yeah. The food's the hardest part.

Right. And I've got this pizza. I pay 70 bucks a week. Ryan Wilson, shout out. But the point of paying him is so that he tells me what to eat. Right. And what to do. Yeah.

And it's just all my muscle, chef. That's all you're eating. Well, basically, he goes 170 grams of protein, whatever the hell he tells me. And I can't do that calculate. Like a lot of people who are properly committed they weigh stuff they freaking cook

and all that whereas if you just get them sent to your house then you just you know what it is you scan the barcode and puts in the

data so you just do whatever he says yesterday I had half a packet of Hague's chocolate which I haven't put in the app right

so he'll when I do the weekly scans of them he's gonna be like oh that's a bit odd something's oh he's lining up here oh yeah no if i didn't have that like i've had a gym membership for a couple years and i've never done it properly never eaten properly right so this is the first time it's good to be kept to account that's what you're paying for yeah so you're gonna start doing these instagram lives with your shirt off

oh yeah we did you see playing guitar playing guitar yes that's what you have to do from now on shirtless play guitar and I'm going to say I am not Cam Knight right friend of the show friend of the show Cam Knight

losing his mind 48 hours in he's not a secret ripped dude he's a properly ripped dude and out and proud you know he's

is he ripped it's so brave you saw his pecs his pecs are like I don't look at those things Defined I was listening to the beautiful song You're looking at the video of him

I was looking at your video I was looking at your live Live Insta chats What did Cam Knight have for dinner though? That's the question I don't know What have you been eating for dinner? What did I have last night?

I got some noodles delivered Yeah Yeah I've been eating like once a day One meal a day Really? Yeah Is that like by design?

It's like an insta Not insta Why am I saying insta? Intermittent fasting But it gets to like It gets to like one In the afternoon I go right time to eat

And then I just go Fucking hell for leather And then it gets to like Six o'clock And I go I'm not hungry still From like one o'clock Because I just ate too much But what about Nine o'clock? I go, I'm not hungry still from like one o'clock because I just ate too much.

But what about at nine o'clock? I just go to bed. What time? You go to bed at nine. I did last night. I don't know. I'm so fucking bored. There's nothing to do.

Oh yeah, you would have had a gig on last night. Yeah. I did think of that. You on a Saturday night just at home with the wife and kid. Yeah. This is torture. Yeah. Baby went to bed at eight.

It's like, my wife goes to bed early. I'm like, oh, you know what? I've got no idiot open micers to hit up at midnight and go, can you do this gig tomorrow? So, sort of wiped out my schedule. Hanging out beside that missionary, were you? Yeah. Must be nice. How many times have you guys each been asked or suggested the idea of doing, hey, what

do you do like a virtual online? Livestream. Dandashow. Yeah. Yeah. I felt bad like, cause we've, yeah, we've had a lot of, I've had a lot of strangers sort of just say it and seen it around online a lot.

And then a very good friend of mine very earnestly and genuinely suggested it the other day. Like, and I just kind of, I kind of snapped. I was like, are you being serious? And she's like, oh, sorry, I just thought it would be... Trying to help you. I was like, oh, no, I'm sorry. It's just like every fucking idiot has been saying that.

You guys have done Facebook Live stuff for the dumb dumb. Not doing stand-up or Instagram. That is more achievable and less horrible. Oh, yeah, we probably will at some point in the next week or so get on the webcam and just have a chat for a bit. But she was very earnestly being like being like hey I just thought of this you could just do your stand up show

in your bedroom and then like do it on YouTube for people and I was like no you idiot that's the most offensive bit to me

is that everyone that comes up with things they're the first person to think you know what you could just do your stuff

and give it away for free on the internet it's like you're a fucking genius even if it's a pay per view even if everyone has to pay 20 bucks each and then you can't screenshot it or save it or whatever.

There's too much stuff online. You're talking about inventing technology that doesn't exist. No, I feel like, what are you talking about? We just call it the UFC and say we would like to use your technology. Tommy Dasolo has a stand-up show. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah.

I think you were just saying, Carl, like people have Netflix. There's enough access to stuff that's filmed well that looks good. They don't have our stand-up on there, do they? Yeah. They have yours. Soon they'll have last one laughing.

Edit point. What, it's a publicly available TV show? It's a great show, guys. Get involved. I mean, what is funnier than seeing... Oh, sorry, we hadn't talked about that. We did all that before we started recording.

Sorry, I forgot. I forgot about that. Naz is on a show coming out. Well, I don't know if I'm allowed to say. Because look at their Instagram account. But anyway, we've said it.

We'll see what happens. Yeah. Amazon lot. Why would you be ashamed of being on an Amazon Prime TV show? Why would I be? I never said it. Oh, so excited.

He goes, comedy anywhere. He's asking, why would you be ashamed? Can you imagine a hypothetical situation where would you be ashamed can you imagine a hypothetical situation where you would be ashamed yeah just because

you know hypothetically if the three of us were going it sounds like a fucking hell hole like I mean that doesn't mean

you think it as well I'll find the account a lot of mime going on here in the in the in lol house 2 right here

someone's gone very quiet all of a sudden can't work out a way to transition this into ballard being fat i'm trying to remember this is all dignity that's what this is it's good to laugh again Couldn't get Tom in the lol house The pantry wouldn't last Three fucking seconds Just so everyone knows

You know This is Naz is basically I don't know if I've signed an NDA Naz has basically requested He be on this episode To do promo for this Amazon Prime

No Big call Called Last One Laughing And what happens is You guys are making an educated guess Of sorts Ten to twelve

Of Australia's biggest comedians go into like a Big Brother style house and you have to deliberately not laugh at each other for some of the comedians

that was a lot easier to do than others but yeah that was the game and then the last one wins like a fucking heap of money just imagine you were one of them

imagine watching a comedian for 6 hours that's hilarious but multiply that by 10 whoa it's just so much fun 60 hours wow watching a comedian for six hours. That's hilarious. But multiply that by ten. Whoa! It's just so much fun. 60 hours.

Wow. 60 hours of comedians. Great. It sounds really good. And, you know, obviously we weren't in the house, but from all the buzz we heard, it sounds like it was a great show.

It's going to be sick, man. It must have been a real pleasure to be part of. Such a pleasure to be involved. Tom's pretty fat these days. Oh, well, if you're not going to give us any info, I guess we'll just have to wait for the scandal to hit the papers about what happened behind the scenes. This is the best promo that they're ever going to receive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Imagine being trapped in a house, guys. Oh my god, this is relatable, this show. What if that was the thing What if that was the thing That people fired up about About that show It's like this is insensitive

This is triggering People are going through this In real life And you're treating it Like a fucking game No social distance Yeah it's a big joke Isn't it

Yeah I got a bit of My Celebrity Mastermind episode Like their grand final Went to air this last weekend Oh yeah A few tweets going Really irresponsible guys

Why Like you know oh really because they think it's all fucking live which bit was irresponsible

well that we were close together and there was an audio studio audience but it was recorded four weeks ago yeah at 10 peach

watching this show this New York comedian with his four friends hanging out in a room together how dare you I like the bubble

boy episode that was very responsible. Other than that though. The Sparrow Square. Yeah, that was good. I listened to the footy. I was listening to 693 AM, whatever that is in Melbourne. Magic.

What's that? I think it's called Magic. Some like sporty thing. And they were doing like a sporty interview with a football player. Man has a feel playing, you know, on the season. Good off to a good start. Talking about the footy like it's normal. Like it's normal.

Like it's not going to get shut down in four days. They're both putting on an act. Yeah. But, um... Well, you know, so much of that stuff, like, you know, my first thing I do in the morning is I get up and listen, watch the, look at the website for Guardian Sport

and Daily Mail Sport. And you get up every morning and go, cool, you cunts have got three new articles to look at. Because it's like, well, what are you going to talk about? There's nothing to report on. They should, yeah. The AFL, and I imagine surely by the time this goes out, the AFL will have been shut down.

There's no doubt in my mind about that. I'll guarantee that. I'll make it happen if not. The time of recording, it's still going ahead. They should just, when they're like, we're going to have to can this, just like the next day, have a grand final. Just whoever's top of the ladder after this one week.

We all want something to watch. All the players on the field and then just get them in a line, go one, two, one, two, one, two, and then they just. Shirts versus skins. Yeah, shirts versus skins. Go nuts. Grand final this Thursday night. Gives us all something to do at home.

My wife was saying on the weekend it's like oh no it'll be really good for AFL because you know

everything else is shut down in the world that means the rest of the world what the AFL said is

this is beaming out to the rest of the world so the rest of the world will be watching this it's like

I'm sorry but the rest of the world has got Netflix and other old sports they can watch they're not like

we just need live sports like they don't fucking care about NFL. I don't think you appreciate how much Australians love this shit, sport and stuff. No, I understand. They love that shit. I'm talking about the rest of the world.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Have you got much word about how Sri Lanka is dealing with this? My mum, she always sends me shit about Sri Lanka being better than anywhere else. She was like, Sri Lanka is, hasn't got one death because they drink paspangu, which is just like herb.

I was like, wow, you should tell Scott Morrison. No one knows. She's also told me ginger water, apparently ginger water cures coronavirus.

Your mom should be one of these scammers that cures people of cancer. That's what they talk like We've kicked her out Of WhatsApp groups before Because she just sends Too many forwards

Like in the Like the uncle generation Like my parents generation They just share Pseudo scientific bullshit Yeah yeah All the time And yeah

So the latest one Is this picture So not one person Has died in Sri Lanka Wow Yeah but there's people That have Yeah but that's not true

They would've Nah How many people In Sri Lanka Fucking he but there's people that have yeah but that's not true they would have nah how many people in Sri Lanka fucking heaps about 19 20 million oh no it's not like India okay just

India well 19 millions a lot he's not wrong yeah check out this right some someone sent my mum this picture of Dettol and on the back it

says viruses that it cures influenza type a to coronavirus clearly photoshopped yeah yeah yeah and I'm telling her I was like that's rubbish and on the back it says viruses that it cures influenza type A2 coronavirus clearly photoshopped and I told her I was like that's rubbish and she goes

no it's not it's a real photo that's made up what are you suggesting drink Dettol yeah and then I found a Dettol at home

I took a photo of the back and then she just had nothing to say but it's just full of rubbish like this one check out this one

this has been doing the rounds this is like a meme that you're showing us on your phone yeah it's a meme that I'm showing you and it's like a picture of. Like this one. Check out this one, right? This has been doing the rounds. This is like a meme that you're showing us on your phone. Yeah, it's a meme that I'm showing you, and it's like a picture of like a... It looks like a Difflam sort of... It's basically...

It's a picture of a pickle, but it kind of looks like a man. It's a man. It's translucent blue, and he's got these green sprouty things in his neck. And it says, coronavirus, before it reaches the lungs, it remains in the throat for four days.

And at this time, the person begins to cough and have throat pains. If he drinks water a lot and gargling with warm water and salt or vinegar it eliminates the virus spread this information because you can save someone with this information so i'm just been doing that like all day every day gargling warm water warm water and uh i can't remember if i've said this on the show but my parents sent me my dad forwarded me an email the other day that was a whole bunch of like it's like oh you might not have seen this. And it's like coronavirus advice. And like, you know, every line in a different font.

It's just like Boomer Chainmail doing the rounds. And dad's like, are you going to take this on board? I'm like, I'm not taking medical advice from something that ends with, please share and spread around all in caps in pink comic sans italics. Have a read of this one. If you don't, six relatives will die. Good news. Wuhan's coronavirus can cure itself by a bowl of freshly boiled garlic water.

The old Chinese doctor proved its effectiveness. Many patients have also proven it to be effective. Recipe. Take eight chopped garlic cloves, seven cups of water and bring to a boil. Eat and drink the boiled water from the garlic. Improved and cured overnight. Please share with all your contacts. Can help save lives.

The old Chinese doctor proved its effectiveness. I love that idea that the the world can cure itself like the only cure is more coronavirus and also oh great we've got the the chinese cure for it well why did it go around the world why did you fucking stop in china have we heard from ronnie chang how was ronnie chang he is i mean you cannot get any answers out of him. From what I believe, and this is recorded weeks before it comes out, what I believe is he's in Australia, holed out in a hotel room. Really? Yes.

He came over here to film something, and I believe he is stuck here and in a hotel room. He couldn't get back in time, really? I don't know. I've been trying to get an answer out of him, but we have a very strange relationship, and he will not answer any questions. I want to say, in the shower,

only leaving to do the occasional shit. He was on Twitter a couple of days ago trying to find out the best worker, how to get ripped if you're in one room by yourself the whole time. That proves that he must be in Australia. No, no, no. He said a hotel room.

Is the Daily Show still going? I don't think... No one's doing it from his house. I think everyone's doing it from their bedroom or whatever. This is the daily show still going i don't think no one's doing it from his house i think everyone's doing that from their bedroom whatever this is the weirdest this is okay what about this i don't have any suggestions to get us rolling but you know the thing that gives me hope is the idea of the new society the new world that might emerge out of all this and we you know because so many bullshit factors of our society being exposed because of this uh crisis people think about what what can we expect and we can hope for a better world afterwards.

Absolutely. Get rid of stand-up comedy, Walt. Well, I'm wondering, what are the rules for the new world of comedy post-COVID? We actually get a soft reset. We get a reset. It's God wiping everybody out. We are Noah.

We've survived in the ark. Well, there's this vegan girl that I used to try to pretend I was vegan to, because she was... Anyway, she's basically like... We used to have these arguments, and she was like, I actually... If you had to choose between a human charity to give money to

or an animal charity, what charity would you give money to? And she was like, the animal charity, because they're innocent, and they are more deserving of help, because humans are messed up. And so she's been tweeting, saying stuff like, this is good for the world. Finally, the rivers are clearing up and the air is blah, blah, blah. And basically, so what that humans are dying? This has happened in animal societies too.

I can understand where she's coming from. Part of that's true. We're humans. You're supposed to care about your own species. But she's true. It has been good for the world. supposed to care about your own species. But she's true. It is good for, it has been good for the world. Yeah, but she's like, who cares that people are dying? That happens in the animal world too.

No, I don't care about, no, I don't agree with that bit. But she's true about the first part of it. But it's like she'll celebrate, the general vibe of the tweets is a celebratory, I'm like basically looking down her nose at humanity. Yeah. Well, there are some people who support... Humans should wipe themselves out. Or they're like, we should stop having children. We should fucking get out.

We should just all run out to let the earth recover. The actual people. Like a four approach. I think that's a bit of a psycho approach. Well, yeah. You can't just advocate for people to die. You can say we need less people from a statistical perspective, but maybe by having less kids but not by killing

sure but she's not doing the psycho thing is to say it out loud and to go check it out everyone this is what I think but and she's also a pro-refugee

and all that other shit right right right good stuff yeah yeah yeah well well well it all starts coming out now this chubby guy cares about human rights

yeah yeah you came over here on the fun stuff fair stuff fun ship or whatever It all starts coming out now. This chubby guy cares about human rights. You came over here on the fair star fun ship or whatever. I get it. I loosely get it. It's like chopping off a gangrenous toe to save the rest of the leg or whatever it is. I can see what she means is that something's got to change and if this is it, then maybe that's's good if it washes all this stuff clean it's not a very good

thing to be celebrating the death of millions but i i understand what the the sort of the kernel of the idea is coming yeah you know it's true i understand i'm not i'm not i'm not going going out there tweeting it although i might it's basically just like walking up to old people. A tweet is basically like walking up to an old person and saying, yeah, if you die, it's good for animals. The pandamate hopes you die. Yeah. And I mean, I agree.

I'm fine with heaps of people dying. It's just as long as I get to go outside while it's happening. As long as I don't know the people. As long as I don't know the people. As long as I don't know the people and there's no interruption to my daily life and routine, I'm cool with it. As long as there's at least one other person that's female that can fuck me up the arse a bit.

Yes, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for bringing it back. So the whole pegging is going to be fast-forwarded, is what you're saying? I don't know. It could well be. Have you hoarded the pegs?

No, I haven't hoarded the pegs. Okay. No. You need to go down there. What about you, Tom, with the acrobat? Have you gotten to the stage of pegging? Are you panicking? Are you going to fuck a woman?

Is this what's going to happen? I would like to do that before I die. Yeah. It feels like I'm running out of time. Yeah. What do they call it? A platinum? No, gold star gay.

I think gold star gay is not having sex with a woman. Platinum is you had a cesarean. So you can have a touch to vagina. Can you ask someone? Basically, can I ask you? What are you? I had a natural birth. I came out of my mother's vagina.

So bisexual, real. Yeah, I licked it on the way out. I hate that. Hungry from birth. I was talking to this gentleman about classic gay conversations I have with a woman. He said, yeah, he slept with a woman

I said how was it he said oh yeah it makes more biological sense I'm just lying there going oh okay oh you were lying there saying this

we're lying together in bed this is post coital this is post coital that makes it more interesting I thought you were talking about you

were at the post office or something just a funny thing to say yeah what we just did was against God but I guess you were talking about you were at the post office or something. It's a funny thing to say. Yeah, what we just did was against God, but I guess you're cool. From a biological sense. There's so many things that humans do that make no biological sense. Totally. Like podcasting.

This is against God. Ignoring all advice and four people getting into a cramped space and sharing microphones. Yes. Yeah. Yes. Well, you said your question was how does comedy... Yes. What happens to comedy after all this?

And that's very fair. A lot of occupations might drop by the wayside. A lot of people are going to be out of work. It's already changing retail. Retail is changing already, I should say, in that there's a lot of empty shops near where I live. I mean, all of a sudden, you know, in a couple of months, everything's going to be sort of online.

You know, today, as of time of recording, Italy has closed every non-essential service apart from like a grocer and a chemist. Nothing else is allowed to be open. So a lot of things are not going to survive. And I just, you know, I think stand-up comedy is the least essential service possibly in the world.

But laughter is the best, man. Right, so we're doing gigs out the back of the pharmacy. Actually, you're right, you know what? There's us

and acrobats are below us. In your case, literally. Well, we don't know that for sure. Well, we don't know that actually, yeah Well, we don't know that actually. Yeah, you're right.

Can you confirm or deny? Are you the net or the trapeze? Oh, yes. Yes. I'm the elephant. So what about like clothing shops and stuff? So you'll be able to buy clothes still online. Otherwise, are we just going to wear...

But no, that's a good question. I'll wear the skin of the people I kill. That'll be able to buy clothes still online. Otherwise, are we just going to wear... But no, that's a good question. I'll wear the skin of the people I kill. That'll be my clothes. I wondered that about, I mean, is it going to be delivery boys that are going to be still existing? Will my muscle chef get delivered still? Exactly.

And then there's got to be someone in the factory or whatever, like packaging all that stuff up. Presumably they'll be... Yeah, if everything moves online, I'm getting a lot of hello, fresh emails of like, they're just like, we know just please calm down.

It's fine. All right. Like it's still happening. We talked about this on the show the other week that like there was that day or like couple of days where it was like every shop that you've ever brought, bought something from and are on their mailing list was like, here's our COVID-19 policy. And it was like, that was very weird, but almost weirder was getting the email from the mailing list was like, here's our COVID-19 policy. And it was like, that was very weird.

But almost weirder was getting the email from the mailing list that's clearly just on a scheduled thing that no one's bothered to turn off. And it's like, 20% off Anaconda this weekend. And it's like, oh, I don't know. Someone probably should have caught this and been like, not the time to get any kind of eyeballs on this, would have thought. But yeah, so potentially you're talking about a world where who still exists? People in the factories at the online store packaging all this stuff up.

Bit of admin, I guess, on the computer. People could be doing that at home and processing the orders from home. And then the delivery guy. Yeah, so will retail survive that? Will there still be a big main street? Even after three, four, five months, whatever it's going to be, whatever it's going to take, are people going to go back? There's going to be all these empty shops.

Are people going to go back and go, yep, we'll take those shops again? Well, it could be on the other side of this. You know, retail was already like on the way out in the face of online. Maybe retail has a big boom because people are so cramped up. They're like, I don't want to ever order anything online ever again. Going to the shop is fun again now because I saw a world where I didn't get to do that. Yeah, maybe. Will it kill cash?

Huh? Will it kill cash? Yeah, they don't accept cash anymore these days. Yeah. So cash is on the way already. And then all of a sudden, if everyone's in their houses for the next three months or whatever, you can't physically use cash anymore

and also it's seen as a bit of a spread of disease at the moment. Does that mean by the end of it it's just like we're all used to not using cash?

Underneath your mattress must be fucking filthy at the moment. I don't understand economics. It's got its own fucking microcosm below my bed.

So I don't know shit about how the economy works, but the government's giving out money. So when we spend all that money, can't they just print more money and just give it out again? That devalues money. Yeah, but who cares?

We're not taking in anything from anywhere. Yeah, it's fake. It's all fake. Yeah. At the end of the day, we're using money to buy things to eat. Yeah. So if everyone's got more money, that means like a loaf of bread It's all fake. Yeah. At the end of the day, we're using money to buy things to eat. Yeah. So shortly...

If everyone's got more money... If everyone's got more money, that means like a loaf of bread turns from $2 into $4 because everyone's got more money so they can just keep pumping it up and then it's like, oh, we don't have enough money

so you print more money and it just goes... And all of a sudden... You've seen that in Europe and stuff. Like a glass of water is $1 million or whatever. So that's how that works. You can't do that. But it's all... The whole system is bullshit and it's crazy. And let's how that works. You can't do that. But it's all,

the whole system is bullshit and it's crazy. And let's say you regulated the cost of bread so we become a communist. You know the head of Macquarie Bank or one of the heads

of Macquarie Bank basically said for us to cross the bridge over to the other side our society will need to resemble something that looks like communism. The beating heart

of capitalism says that's what we need to do. Yeah. You know Basic minimum wage You know Bread is two dollars Yeah Milk is one dollar

Yeah Whatever So everything Well if everyone's stuck inside their house Capitalism is hard for it Harder for it to work Except for Amazon Except Amazon

Is raising money right now For some factory thing They're like Oh we need some money For some Yeah They'll do Yeah they'll do well out of this They'll do super well They're doing well anyway But they're like oh we need some money for some yeah they'll do yeah they'll do

well out of this they're doing well anyway but they're fucking I mean you've seen them Amazon bosses saying hey people donate your

unpaid leave your leave your sick leave and stuff to people who need it yeah it's like fuck you you are the

richest guy in the world oh my god I saw a pic the other day of someone walking their dog with a drone yeah

it's a drone flying through the air with a dog leash attached to it. Whoa. Yeah. Really? That rules. Yeah. So animals are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want.

Yeah, they can't have always been the way. They can just lick each other's assholes. Yeah. That is interesting, actually, because they've come out and said, yeah, cats and dogs can't get it. Well, how come we got it from a bat? Like, how the fuck did that work? Why isn't there, like, hate crimes against bats? No, there no there will be absolutely it's like people are literally not drinking corona beer

imagine the next time someone sees a bat in a park it's gonna be fucking it was like a huge flock every every night as the sun went down huge fruit bats would fly and your your mate the acrobat was bouncing off a net and fucking stabbing them as they flew over no he wouldn't do that because he's a really lovely person oh is he yeah

what sort of acrobatic stuff did he do did you see the show before and also I did see the show also this

this person you're seeing what's his name oh oh my god it doesn't work absolutely spewing that high fives are off the table

at the moment fuck I'd love to reward that one I'm gay. Absolutely spewing that high fives are off the table at the moment. Fuck, I'd love to reward that one. I don't get it. It's that easy, folks. Do you remember being 10? Yeah. Yeah, I remember someone would go, oh, I went on a date last night. Oh, yeah, what was his name?

Because imagine being gay. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I thought you were trying to imply that he's bisexual because of the conversation. No, no, no. That would be as funny as... What's his name? My mum's pussy? Yeah, nice.

Nice. Is that Fudge Pakistani? Is that a name? I can't believe that's on the record as having been a riff that we partook in. It's too funny. It's too good. It's too funny.

Your Honour, it is too funny. If anyone does blackface now or says something really racist, like we were saying before, then that's not going to make news. So you could just... Well, yeah, the idea that, like, let's say two years' time, you land a big TV show. You land a role on, like, Saturday Night Live, and then they

go through old tweets or podcasts and they find this dodgy stuff and try and get you kicked off the show. Surely the defensive... It was coronavirus isolation. And they're like, yeah, fair enough. It doesn't count. We were all losing our minds. Everything we've said today is a wartime crime.

Where's Pauline? She hasn't said shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're right. I remember at the start it was like racist Christmas for her. She was like, the Chinese, you know, told you. Told you. But I haven't seen her since. Oh, the Chinese, you know, told you. Told you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I haven't seen her. Oh, yeah. This is Pauline Hanson. I mean, yeah, it's interesting. In times of crisis, like, you know, identity politics, PC stuff really does diminish your responsibility. And I'm like, you know, Trump's saying Chinese virus, Chinese virus, to the point where he's like crossing it out on speeches. Like, he's literally, right? And I'm like, who, like, he's not considering the effect that might have on Chinese Americans.

And it's all a bit of bullshit. But honestly, who gives a fuck at this point? Like, if that is the Democrats or the media's major critique of his response to this. It's the Dago virus, if anything. And also, I wanted to tweet that the other day. I'm not better on it. The WAP virus. Asian people can't get spat at when they're walking down the street

if no one can walk down the street. So at the moment, it's harder. Her last post was about Kenny Rogers. She's pinned that one. The one after that is, Stop stealing toilet paper. Stores are limiting the amount of toilet paper kept in their stores because people are stealing excess rolls.

Numerous people have messaged me telling me that. And you know she's got a big old stockpile. You know. She's only coming back to saying that after she's got herself a fucking 60 million pack of sorbonne. I mean, after all, she could be commenting on anything. Yeah. Just you saying then about communism and the long-term possibility of that and everything. It really does almost feel like we should start from here on out on the podcast a regular

Greg Larson's Corner. Let's get him on the phone. It's a good ad. If you're stuck inside at this point, get on Greg Larson's Twitter if he hasn't killed himself by now. He's absolutely losing his mind. We're sort of having a good look around at our comedian

friends and going, look, who's the... We want to start a betting pool. A, who's going to be the first comedian to get coronavirus? Yep. B, who's the first person who's going to absolutely lose his mind properly over this whole thing? And, yeah, there's a few good little... Who's on the top of your list? Greg had to go...

Greg Larson and Dave Anthony from The Dollop are absolutely losing their minds. Greg was coming back from Brisbane after doing his show and cancelled his flight, got a hire car, drove back to Melbourne, didn't want to go via Sydney, so went by Dubbo. Didn't want to go near an airport.

Yeah, went inland. That was like three weeks ago. That was like well before this got serious. He did. I was doing Crab Love with Greg a few weeks ago and he was like, yeah, I'm really worried about coronavirus.

I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. And I said, really? And he was like, yeah, why? really worried about coronavirus. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. And I said, really? And he was like, yeah, why? I was like, oh, no reason. No, no, no. He's very concerned about his health for a guy that weighs 145 kilos. Hey, come on, man. Love you, Greg.

Sorry, Naz. I know you don't like that sort of humor. I didn't see that. You hate the punchdown. I just asked for a funny guy. Yeah, yeah. I don't see weight. Well, you can a funny guy. I don't see weight. Well, you can't fucking miss him, that's for sure.

How's Rad Dad getting on, do you reckon? Oh, that's a good question. That's a great question. I guess we'll hear at the 500th episode that's definitely going to happen. Yes, we will! We can do that online. How sad.

How sad. All right alright we better wrap it up Nazeem Hussein Tom Bella thank you very much for joining us what no plugs

you both have specials that people can watch online yeah but we don't get any money for that I'm doing a thing on Amazon no but look

if you know watch my Insta lives get on it ask me what I'm having for dinner exactly I'll get off as soon as you do do that but otherwise no genuinely Watch my Insta Lives, our Facebook Lives. Get on it. Ask me what I'm having for dinner. Exactly. And I'll get off right as soon as you do.

Yeah. Do that. Absolutely. But otherwise, no, genuinely, I don't know when we're going to be doing anything again. Another year. Who knows? Yeah. Get on the socials.

You know, Naz, you're wanting to entertain everyone on your socials at the moment. You'll have something up there soon. Basically, I'm just trying to keep sane. Playing a bit of piano. Yeah. So check out Naz on Insta on all the socials. And Tom,

you got your podcast? I'm still doing my podcast, yeah, speaking of the revolution, I'm still talking to people about what this could mean. So yes, that's called

Like I'm a Six-Year-Old. That's on the internet. Yep. And I'm just shoving food into my fat fucking gob and shoving an acrobat into my ass. Fuck, I hope it's still going

when you release this. Yeah, yeah. Hey, same with me. My thing. You can catch Tom being chucked on the spit by the Ringling Brothers. Is that it? It's good. You can catch Tom being chucked on the spit by the Ringling Brothers. Yeah, I was going to say, instead of, you know, the cliche of, like, you know, porn music.

Is it? All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. That's true. What you say is true. Even in these different times, you can be sure of one thing and that's what it is.

A lot of stuff's changing. But it's nice to know that our ability to do it again is unshaken. It's a bedrock of society, Tommy. Yes. People are looking to it at the moment. Now more than ever. Yeah. In terms of the second question you're about to ask me, at the sports desk,

for starters, I feel bad that last week's episode we didn't get around to that. Can I say? Didn't we? No, we didn't. You started to ask me and I sort of sidetracked. We got derailed. We didn't get a proper explanation. So for everyone that got a bit disappointed,

last week's summation of did Bernie kick a big one last week, I would say that it didn't sound good off the boot, but it got there. It's sort of like the ball sort of didn't spin in the right way, went a bit arse over all over the joint. It was wobbling. It got there. It bounced a few times before it got to where joint. It was wobbling. It got there. It bounced a few times before it got to where it needed to go.

But it was enough. This time, clean off the boot. Excellent. Big one. Big one. Big one. Sounded big. Was big.

The ball was a bit dirty. But it was officially big. It went straight over the wheat silo. Had there have been a crowd there, they would have been going absolutely crazy. It was a shame that we had to go all the way over the fence to go and get the ball back. Yes. Ourselves. Yeah, we just recorded that one then, and I'm tired at the end of it. I had a good time.

Oh, man. We were having a big old muck around, weren't we? We're stockpiling a lot of this sort of stuff at the moment, given that, you know, as you hear this, the world is changing very quickly. We recorded this probably weeks in advance, and we are doing a lot of these episodes, and you know what? It does take it out of you.

I was absolutely rooted the other night after a bunch of these. Yeah. Yeah. Something to do with probably having a small child and waking up early as well, but yeah, it does take it out of you. Yep. Yeah. There's yet to be a day in this thing

where I haven't recorded some form of podcast, at least two. Yeah. So a day. So yeah. But thank you to everyone who is continuing to listen to this and sending us messages, telling us that they're appreciating that.

That's been warming the heart. Yeah. And also to all the people that have contributed to, as we mentioned at the top of the show, patreon.com slash littledumbnumbclub. That goes directly to us and helps us keep this thing going. Very much appreciated. And, of course, part of the reason people are doing that

is that you're getting extra content that we've started shipping out. Yep. So that in these times of, whatever you call it. Times of need. Times of need, yeah. That's a good way of framing it. This is like the helicopter flying overhead and just dropping some precious supplies down

to the people who really need it. Putting big packages and little parachutes on them and sending them down and then these impoverished natives opening them up and going oh you sent us dog shit okay all right well it's edible i guess quick get that helicopter out of here they're throwing stuff at it yeah um so yeah we are sending out a lot of extra bonus stuff so if you want to join up to our patreon and throw a few shekels our way you get to feel good about yourself you also get literal extra product yeah which you know if you cooped up inside you might be absolutely busting for having maybe completed

the internet already so i liked it get onto that thank you very much to everyone existing that has done that thank you very much uh yeah nice uh what else uh i mean you know what we can just normally there's plenty to talk about. Well, that's the thing. I mean, God, we're getting into times, Tommy. I'm trying to look ahead. We're getting into times where, you know, it's great for me to come into an episode of this and go, oh, this is a funny thing that happened on the tram.

Yep. Well, there's going to be some funny things that happened to me in the bathroom this morning soon. You'll never guess what my reflection did to me. Yeah. My wife and kid better start being fucking funnier otherwise this podcast i don't know what level we're gonna get to yeah well i mean i i've i've plumbed some pretty lowly depths for this week's episode in more ways than one well you know hopefully you you get your wish come true and we can talk about that yeah hopefully that gets you know live at the 500th episode in November.

In November, wow. Well, I don't know. Yeah, look. Look to the socials to see about all the news about our live shows that were supposed to be happening about now. Get on the socials. You'll find out about what is happening with that stuff and via email, all that sort of thing. Very hard to pin down dates and exactly what's happening and email, all that sort of thing. Very hard to pin down dates and exactly what's happening and options and all that sort of stuff.

So that will be decided hopefully by now or very soon to now. So thank you for your patience, everyone. But of course, obviously, you will understand what's going on at the moment. And instead of worrying about a live podcast, instead of that being first and foremost in your thoughts, maybe just getting bread is probably before that at the moment. Yes, yes. Cool, cool.

Thanks for listening. Let's, I guess, unless you have any objections, Tommy, get straight into this section of the show. Well, if we're going to do this, if we're going to talk about the unplanned title alternator, you've once again brought this to my house. I just want to make sure you've properly sanitized it. That is an update.

See that mist that's coming out? It's sanitizing us. It's more worried of us than we are of it. Okay, fair enough. It's become sentient. It's just looked at us and gone, whoa. It wasn't even prepared for the virus. It's more just looking at us going, they've got to have something.

Yeah. This is only an upgrade for February. It's not even really worried about the virus by now. Hey, as long as there's some form of cleansing mist being applied somewhere in, on, or around the unplanned tidal alternator, then I'm happy. You're happy with that? Yeah. That would be a terrible way to go down, wouldn't it?

It's like you're in hospital. How did you get it? Some people are like, I'm so embarrassed. I know people aren't supposed to go to the pub or whatever. I went there. I was two meters apart from my mate. Somehow I still got it. Yeah.

Well, my vital thing I had to do is I had to work on the unplanned title alternator. Sorry. Well, you know how when you read out names, you want them to be random. No? Yeah. Oh. Well, I have to do it every week. It's an essential service.

You couldn't take a break? Yeah. You had to use this free thing. Oh, no, it's not free. It costs several thousand dollars a week. Exactly. But, yes, let's get into it. This is the way that we give thanks to all of the people who support the show on Patreon,

which we very much appreciate. What happens is all of your names go into this magnificent creation that we pay a lot of money for every week, the Unplanned Title Alternator. And to keep it fair, the names,

the technical algorithm that this computer has is beyond any of our fucking computations, our human feeble minds um it's it's using you know some people will talk about the amount of uh megabytes it used to send someone to the moon in the 60s it's like this thing this thing takes this this i'm playing time old and i could send us all to the moon and back one by one on this planet yeah it's and it uses all of those all of that gig of memory to formulate anywhere between one and 10,000 names every

week that we read out. It's just got all those possible numbers stored in it. That's what takes up a lot of the, when you go to the system information and you've got the little pie of where your hard drive space is being used. It's like a huge chunk of that pie is just remembering numbers. Yeah, and names. And names. No, the names is the smallest bit.

Okay. The names actually, ironically enough, takes up a very small chunk. It's just the possibility of the numbers of names that takes up so much space on the unplanned title alternator. Yeah, yeah. And do you ever think about that thing when people talk about it when they go oh you know like your your iphone's got more power in it than the computer that sent uh you know a spaceship to the moon do you ever think about that and go how the fuck i want it what why doesn't someone try and do that again now why doesn't someone try and get on like a nokia and try and send something to the moon oh yeah

yeah right just blast a uh yeah just blast a something to the moon. Oh, yeah, yeah, right. Just blast a Samsung Galaxy into space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just try and do it again with the same level of computing that they used back then. That's a very good point. Yeah. If that's what it actually is, then why aren't we all just sending off rockets every day of the week?

I could send something to fucking Neptune with my phone. People used to say that years ago about their iPhones. Well, this is a better iPhone than it was years ago. Right, yeah. Can I send something to... Probably send two rockets. Yeah, can I send something to Pluto? What can I do with this phone?

I don't want to get on Instagram anymore. I just want to send things into space with it. Yeah, sure. So, hey, look it up. Yeah. I'm sure we can work that out. That's a little project for quarantine. It's like, you know, when people used to,

when you couldn't get certain iPhones in Australia quickly enough, you'd get American ones and then just sort of hack them to make sure you could use them here. I remember Dave Callan had an early iPhone. Right. He got it, yeah, he imported one from the States. Yeah, that was cool, wasn't it? What a fucking nerd.

Wasn't that cool at the time when you saw someone with an iPhone? You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Do you remember your first iPhone? I remember getting it and bringing it back to work in an office and just being like, wow, this is fucking crazy. And then I sent something to fucking Jupiter. It was pretty cool.

Oh, wow, that's pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I went in on the one. The first one I had was the, I forget what model it was, but it had the, because the first couple were rounded back. Yeah. I got the like the flat. Oh, really?

Yeah. Which was maybe the, maybe the four. Really? Did you wait that long? Yeah. I was right into it. I mean, I wasn't someone to ever physically line up or anything, but I certainly got the first one that came out.

I didn't know you that well, but that was one of the few things I knew about you at the time, that you were just like, loving the fact that you'd gone in early on an iPhone. Oh, really? Yeah. That was the thing that was, for whatever reason, well known about you.

Oh, okay. This guy has an iPhone and he's very happy with himself about it. Yeah. Oh, I knew other people that, I thought, you know what I thought of other people like that is Sammy J. That's who I thought of.

That he had the iPhone. You're right. I remember that. Yeah. He got away early. He got a shit from America and he was like obsessed with it. Yep's who I thought of. That he had the iPhone. You're right. I remember that. Yeah. He got away early. He got a ship from America and he was like obsessed with it. Yep.

Went crazy with it. Whereas I never, he knew all the tips and tricks and all that sort of stuff. I was just like, this looks cool. Yep. I think I'll ring mum.

Yeah. You know, I wasn't doing anything crazy with it. It was pretty exciting. Yeah. It just looked good. Yeah. And it's sort of a bit of a shame

ever since when people were like, oh, there's a new upgrade. And I slightly got tricked a couple of years and then I was like, oh, it's all the same. Yeah. Really the only thing I was excited about was those big bright buttons. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I'd love to go back and watch a video of myself using that first one that I thought was just so incredible. Yeah, yeah. And to see it now and just look like a piece of shit. Yeah. Very slow. Yeah. Texting isn't as good.

Yeah. The games that it can run are, you know, pretty shit. Yeah. Very slow. Yeah. Texting isn't as good. Yeah. The games that it can run are, you know, pretty shit. Yeah. Yeah. So, all right, let's... Let's tech... Let's tech corner done for the week. Yeah.

Look, let's make that a mission. We want to send something into space with our phone. Yeah. If anyone can help us out with that. Yeah. I'm pretty keen. Or if anyone's just got a good arm on them and they reckon they could just chuck our phone into space for us.

Chuck a big one. Yep. Chuck a big one, Bernie. All right. So for new listeners, if you haven't heard the show before, if you're in isolation, we have this segment.

Like I said, we read out some random names, not too random. I mean, people that have subscribed to this show. And you qualified it for if you subscribe for $5 or more on this show. Now, all right, let's... Hit the big red button. That's it.

Let's kick the big red button, a big one. First cab off the rank this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Emma Chorkley. What a very English name all around. Very, very English. I like Emma. I like the name Emma. Yeah, I don't mind it either.

Yep, good. name all around very very english i like emma i like the name emma yeah i don't mind it either yep good did it have any uh was it uh troubling the short list for your child at any point no i didn't think of it at all but i don't mind it at all i remember being a very horrible child at one stage and uh they're being you know i mean this is going to sound weird to you, but when I was a kid, sometimes I was part of a group of friends that would, like, pick on people. It was weird. Okay. Yeah. It's weird that you were only part of it and not the ringleader.

Just the only one. Yeah, yeah. Calling the shots. That could be true as well. But I don't think so, maybe, in this case. I don't think so. But I remember some poor girl being called Emma Might instead of Veggie Might. I don't even know what that fucking means.

Emma Might? Yeah, how would that... Was her name Emma? Yeah, her name was Emma. Okay, right. But I don't know how... You don't remember her surname? No.

No, it was nothing like Might. It was just like, ah, Emma might, like Vegemite. Okay. Well, you know, like a lot of childhood nicknames are as simple as like, you probably just saw her eating a Vegemite sandwich one day or something like that. And then that'll do it. Maybe. I don't know.

That's some grade two parody for you. Oh, it's classic. That's all you need. When the world was that simple. Yeah. Great stuff. But Emma, so sorry, Emma, if you're you need when the world is that simple. Yeah. Great stuff. But Emma, so sorry, Emma, if you're out there listening. I take that back.

I take back. If I saw you now, you're the same age as me, so if I saw 43-year-old Emma now, I wouldn't call you Emma, mate. I would take it back. You'd just simply call her Emma. Yeah, or I'd think of something funnier at least. You sure it's not this lady? Something that makes more sense.

I'd remember Chalkley. Yeah, you'd something funnier at least. You sure it's not this lady? Something that makes more sense. I'd remember Chalkley. Yeah. You'd like to think that would. And you wouldn't be using the nickname Might if you had Chalkley to work with. Thank you. Yeah. Even in grade two, I think I'd be able to do better than that. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. What do you think you'd go with? In grade two? Oh, God. I mean, Chalk. I mean, something to do with a duster maybe. You know, you tend to – like Chalk is a big part of your life in grade two? Oh, God. I mean, chalk. I mean, something to do with a duster, maybe. You know, you tend to... Like, chalk is a big part of your life in grade two.

Huge. Yeah. So... Chalk really disappears from your life after primary school. Except for rare, rare moments. But by and large... Do classrooms even use blackboards and chalk now? Maybe they don't.

Yeah, I think it'd be mostly whiteboard. It'd have to be, wouldn't it? It was pretty much... I mean, I don't know if you were the same, but it was exclusively whiteboard by the time I was in high school. Oh. And I always found that interesting. Maybe that was just the times changing as I was growing up,

but in my head I always had it as like, the whiteboard is the chalkboard for adults. Right. Yeah, no, it is. Totally. I would imagine that... I can't see how there would be still chalkboards now because it's just so messy and stuff as well. Yeah.

Like who's – I mean, I don't even know where you'd buy fucking, you know, like a blackboard now and people making blackboards. Like why would you do that? And I always just found like writing with chalk, just thinking about it is – Yeah, it's a bit yuck, isn't it? It's that like – it's like that cutlery on plate kind no but you know it's worse you know it's worse i never got that thing of like scratching a blackboard or whatever you know when people go oh that's really yeah what i did get was my dad put this idea this image this feeling into me early doors where

maybe i was saying having the same conversation i don't really get it with the nails on the blackboard. That doesn't bring up my hackles or anything like that. And he'd go, what about this? When I was at school, there'd be a guy that'd come up to people in the class and go, watch this and get the duster full of chalk and just bite it. I go, oh, fuck, that got me. Yeah, that's really bad. That's real bad.

I never really got the nails on the blackboard either, just purely because anything on the blackboard I hated. Even just the sound of chalk being on it. Really? I hate touching chalk I don't like. Right. All of it. Everything to do with chalk.

Guess what? 2020, pandemic, chalk's cancelled. Right. Even Emma Chalkley, so she should just be like Emma Lee, Emma Textily. She's lucky that she's got Emma and that she's got Lee on the other end of it. I think those two things are doing a lot of work to combat the Chalkley. Because I did have that slight feel of Chalk when I heard the name, but I was kind of distracted enough by the pleasantries on either side of it.

I feel like Funnyfellas could have a very English lady as part of some sketch called Emma Chalkley. I think it's too subtle of a name. If the character is British, it'd have to be like Lady Fartley or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind Chalkley. Emma's not enough. That's too subtle. Yeah.

Yeah, it needs to be Sconface McChalkley. There you go. Yeah. Sconface McChalkley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. That's good. New character for the Funnyfellas. Okay. That's good. New character for the funny fellas.

Yeah. Just not even a major character. That's just someone that's like, you know, someone else fucking ruins their wedding or something. All of the background characters in our sketches have full names and backstories that we've worked out. Yeah. That's the point of different...

That's what makes funny fellas different from the rest. That's pretty comprehensive. There's no like man one or woman three in a Funnyfellas sketch. For something very ill thought out, it's very well thought out. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Thanks, Emma. Thanks, Emma.

Thanks, Chalkers. Thanks, Emma Might. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Bronwyn Smith. A little bit more, I guess, normal is the wrong word for it, but a bit more garden variety. Still, I'm not sure at this stage of my life how I feel about Bronwyn. Really? Bron as a name? Yeah, I know.

I don't know. I really am not saying I hate it, not saying I love it. I really don't know. Just meeting someone with the last name Smith to me is always unusual. Right. Just go, wow, you're one of them. Well, yeah, I mean, you're right, it's unusual, but it's unusual because it's the most usual thing in the world,

in the Western world. I reckon growing up, I never met anyone called Smith, so you'd almost see on cartoons and movies and stuff, oh, you know how Smith is the most common name in the world? And you go, yeah, I know that. Of course I know that. But then I don't actually know any Smiths. Oh, really?

So then when I'd meet Smiths, I'd be like, oh, okay. Wow, from the movies. We had a few at my school, yeah. No, I didn't have any. Really? No, not one. Not one. Did you have any multiple surnames at your school that weren't related?

Multiple surnames. Like a common name, like a Jones. Did you have anything like surnames at your school that weren't related? Multiple surnames. Like a common name, like a Jones or what? Did you have anything like that at your school? I don't think so. People with the same name that weren't related. I found it really weird. Not as a kid, but I think when I grew up and maybe moved away, possibly, I found out all there was a new family came to town or family or two.

They became other Chandlers in Maryborough that weren't my Chandlers. Now, that certainly wasn't a thing when I was a new family came to town or family or two they became other chandlers in mirror road that weren't my chandler ah now that certainly wasn't a thing when i was a kid kid yeah i'm pretty sure it happened like once i left they were like okay the coast is like great yeah yeah great chandler yeah we're all moving in yeah all the different strains yeah but they were not not ours okay yeah which is very weird for someone to say oh such and such chandler in maribor is that your uncle or something like nothing to do with me damn that's a very strange thing to be in a small town and have a name that's not the most common name in the world not at all and uh they're just nothing to do with us yeah i should i should get to the bottom of that i'd

actually like to know try and run them out have them run out of town oh yeah given that they've been there for 30 years and I haven't. I just come back. I'm back. Yep. Get the fuck out of Dodge. I will not abide this. Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe I go and run from the virus and just go, right, I'm headed back to where it's safe. You're headed back to where it's safe and then you've got a project for isolation. Get these cunts out of town. Yeah. Without touching them. Yep. Great.

Without shaking their hands. Mm-hmm. Not even a pleasantry. Yeah, without touching them. Yep. Great. Without shaking their hands. Mm-hmm. Not even a pleasantry as they cross the town border. Put a rubber glove on my foot as I kick them up the ass out of town. Yep.

Just, you know, they can go to a Vogue or a Denali or something close by. Yeah, they can go anywhere they want. Yeah. It's as long as it's not Mary Burr.

Yep. Go set up in clones. Yeah, clonesies, like a fucking real clonesy. Yeah, Clunesies. Like a fucking real Clunesie. Yeah, very, very... I'd love to go back and just... Clean house.

Well, they would have copped it as well. They would have been like... Because we were there first. So for a fair few years, they would have been like, oh, are you related to Robert or Ross or Barry? Who's that worse for? Someone getting in there and ruining it for your family or for them. They're having to hear that all the time.

Oh, right. So you're the second ones here. No one wants that. Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'm pretty heavily associated with this podcast of being from Maribor. So now if anyone goes back there and meets them now, has in any way heard about this, yeah, that'd be the first question.

Exactly. Yeah. I wonder if we've got any new... Let us know if you're from Maryborough and you do listen to this podcast because we did do a live show there a couple of years ago. Yep. And what a great time it was being allowed out of the house.

Remember that? Yep. Let alone using that time to go to Maryborough. If only we'd known. Yeah. We would have done. Remember that? Yeah. Let alone using that time to go to Maribor. If only we'd known. Yeah. We would have done things very differently. Yeah. We're on our virtual deathbed just looking back going,

why did we use our time on Earth like this? Yeah, it's all flashing before our eyes. Yeah. But if you listen to the show and you're from Maribor, let us know. I'd like to know exactly how many people. Because I remember when we went there, we did have listeners there that just didn't come. Great.

Yeah. Classic. So we just had a heap of people flying in for it and whatever. But there were legitimately people from Maribor that listened that didn't come to that show. Yeah. Let us know how many listeners we do have in Maribor. That'd be good.

But thanks, Bronwyn. Thanks, Bronwyn. Thanks, Bronwyn. Thanks, Smithers. Thanks, Smudger Do you know that? That's a nickname I think

As I've covered on this show before In Maribor My Our family Chandler For whatever reason We were nicknamed Chang Changa

Yep And then when I moved out I moved to Ballarat To Maribor To Melbourne They'd be like Oh what's your nickname? Oh you know

You know the whole Chandler thing Of being called Chang or Changa No No one's ever heard of that Outside of fucking Smallville and they'd be like, oh, what's your nickname? You know, the whole Chandler thing of being called Chang or Changa. No. No one's ever heard of that outside of fucking Smallville or wherever you fucking come from. Yep. Smith, believe it or not, I don't think you would have heard this. I think in England, it's a very common thing to be called Smudger.

Smudger. Yeah. I love that. That is good, isn't it? Yeah. A lot of soccer players that had the last name Smith were called Smudger. Yeah, I love it. I love that.

It kind of makes me wish I was called Smith. It's a weird one. Smudger. To turn Smith into Smudger. Yeah. Classic England in their language, though. Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber.

Third cab off the rank. We always talk about the first. We don't talk about the other cabs. But third cab off the rank this week. Charlotte Hollandaile. Oof. the rank we always talk about the first we don't talk about the other cabs but um third cab off the rank this week charlotte hollandaise oh close to being hollandaise would have loved that would have loved that big buyer of hollandaise i've talked about this on the show as well before um people have brought me hollandaise sauce at a live show um big hollandaiser a lot you love it with steak. Traditionally, it's more of a breakfast thing, I think, I believe.

I'll have it. I think it is. Yeah, I wonder what its origins are because I most strongly associate it with an eggs Benedict. Yes. It's the key ingredient. Otherwise, you're just eating eggs on a muffin. Yes.

Or toast if the cafe doesn't care to really put the extra bit of love in and serve it as it's traditionally meant to be eaten. That is, you couldn't. I think it must, that must be its origins because there's plenty of things that it's good with, but the Eggs Benedict is the one thing that if it's not included, it's a different dish. Yeah, look, that's very fair. You're exactly right when you say that. If it doesn't have that, you don't call it that. Yeah. That's like, tell me about a donut. It's got a dish. Yeah, look, that's very fair. You're exactly right when you say that. If it doesn't have that, you don't call it that. Yeah. That's like, tell me about a donut.

It's got a hole. Correct. Yep. Holland Age sauce, formerly known as, formerly also called Dutch sauce. Oh. Wow. It's one of the five mother sauces in French cuisine. Ah, okay.

I don't know what the other mother, it doesn't say what the other mother sauces are. It's a key ingredient in Eggs Benedict. Yep. And is often served on vegetables such as steamed asparagus. I would not have picked that as the second thing to put Hollandaise sauce on. No. I'm a big one of putting it on steak. Yep.

That's my go-to steak sauce. Yep. Even though it's not supposed to be that. I started getting it instead of a Bearnaise sauce. I always forget what Bearnaise actually is. I don't. You know what? I haven't bought Bearnaise for so long. I just bought it the other day because I didn't have Hollandaise sauce.

So I'm about to find out. The most common derivative of Hollandaise is Berenice. What do you add to it or subtract from it to make it better? You replace the acidifying agent, vinegar reduction or lemon sauce, in a preparation with a strain reduction of vinegar, shallots, fresh chervil, fresh tarragon, crushed peppercorn.

Ooh. Fuck, it sounds good. Do you like a bit of bearnaise? Yeah No I'm about to go I find them pretty similar To be honest Yeah They're

I like them both They're both fine Yeah But man Hollandaise I just use As a multi-purpose Yeah Fish

Steak Goes good with everything Yeah It's weird that it is So strongly linked With breakfast Because yeah It's great with eggs But it's fucking great With everything Yeah And yeah, it's great with eggs, but it's fucking great with everything.

Yeah. And it's made from eggs, isn't it? It is eggs. So it's weird to just, I mean, it truly is. It's up there with, like, the big old fat cunt move that I'm a huge fan of, going to KFC, getting the chips, getting a potato and gravy, and dunking the chips in the potato and gravy. It's kind of a bit like that.

Right. You're smothering your poached eggs in more egg, in just egg sauce. Right. It's, you're not looking out for yourself. Putting a bit of potato sauce on mashed potato. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, yeah, look, Berenice, I'm about to go back in on you, but Hollandaise is,

it's the sort of thing where I very, if I go to the supermarket and i see it i go it's a bit of a hard one to find they sort of hide it a little bit it's yeah you got to go searching it's it's almost like as as i infamously enjoy chocolate mousse you don't go right i'll just go to the bit where they have this this product they just chuck it around all over the joint it's moved from supermarket to supermarket yeah there's no universally agreed upon spot that the Hollandaise should be. Exactly. You know what? Chocolat mousse in my local supermarket, it's in two different spots for no reason.

Yeah, right. There's a spot for it near the front and a spot right up the back. Inexplicably. There's two different spots for chocolat mousse. When do you see that with any other product? Yeah. They've really put it in the miscellaneous items. Well, you could argue that they want people to always be able to find mousse at whatever part of the supermarket they're in.

I don't think. They're giving it more exposure. I think you're giving them too much respect for their mousse placement. I think they're just like, they probably haven't even noticed themselves. Yeah, true. I think. There's probably like two different guys that stock the shelves and one of them's got a preference for one and one's got the preference for the other.

Yeah. But I'm not saying that that's deliberately why they did it. I'm saying that that's a positive, perhaps unintended outcome that, you know, the mooses, more people are aware of moose because of this. Yeah. Well, it works for me. It's literally, I think I've said this online, if not on the show, but it's so funny that my local supermarket,

it's got like six different brands of chocolate moose. It's like, you know, I know it can make a difference, but if just one idiot keeps buying it every day and they go, oh, wow, Hawthorne's really into chocolate moose. No one person is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just keep restocking it because they're like, well, we're always out. Well, it's just for me.

Yeah. As soon as if, you know, for some reason I moved to Richmond, it's like, fuck, you're going to have an overload of chocolate mousse. Yeah. Hollandais. Thanks. Thanks, Charlotte. Thanks, Charlotte.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Christopher Johnson. You like that? Nice. I like that a lot. Which bit do you like? I love a big old Christopher, I have to say. What? Yeah, hanging down there, having a big old Christopher in between the legs.

Is that? What does that mean? What do you mean? You're having a big Christopher? I've never heard that before. A big old Christopher. I've never heard that one before. Is that what girls say?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The secret girls business. Okay. I heard this accidentally when I was sitting on the other side of the girls' change rooms with a glass up against the door. Does that still work? I don't get turned on by looking through the little peephole. It's the goss that I'm most titillated by.

Isn't that weird how that's the magnifying glass of the ears? Yeah. The glass up to the wall. An actual glass. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It also magnifies sound. That should be called a magnifying glass as well.

Yeah, good point. Yeah. I think you've just written a new joke. I hope not because it wasn't good, but it was interesting. Look forward to seeing you try that at your next gig in 12 months' time. Yeah, that'll be good for the next Commonwealth Games in 12 years' time. Yeah, having a big Johnson is what I believe you're alluding to. Yes, I sure am.

Isn't that an interesting nickname slash code slash whatever that is? Having a Johnson. but that would be interesting what not if girls have nicknames for their own parts do they like i feel like guys have probably made up all the nicknames for the girls parts rather than great point yeah great point um i don't think it was a woman who first went i reckon a pussy would be a good name exactly yeah yeah i'm gonna start calling mine a moot yeah there's no i mean maybe i love look i'd love to meet that woman yeah she sounds pretty cool i'd be happy to hear if girls have made up names for guys parts or girls parts just to hear

what the the female version is you You know when other languages, like maybe it's French or whatever, when they have like, you say something and you go, oh, that's stupid because that's the female version. You're talking like a female or whatever it is. Yeah. Honestly, that. Honestly, the female tense or whatever it is of a vagina or a penis.

Yeah. I'd like to know about that. I feel like there would be cooler words for both parts if girls were making it up. If girls were exclusively making up the names for... Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I know a lot of women who, when they'll talk about a guy that they've picked up and had sex with, they'll use the term willy, which I think is just abhorrent.

Yeah. I cannot stand it. So I don't know. I don't know. Like that's of all the terms for it. I get that you're trying to be slightly more polite about it. But like willy is just the worst. I hate it.

I quite like it because it's a little bit more – I know it doesn't sound – classy is maybe not the right word for it, but it's classier than a lot of horrible words for it. And it's less animalistic almost. And so when you hear guys go, oh, yeah, and then they're pussy and yeah, and then girls are like, oh, he's willy. And you go, oh, it's sort of cute.

There's something about it that's always rubbed me the wrong way i think the fact that it is something that like little kids refer to it as yeah so i i don't like it it just being it just being so heavily associated with children emasculate protests me is it emasculating it's not a mask it's just it's the it's the bringing a childlike thing into it it's not the emculated. It's like we shouldn't be referencing children when we're talking about you having sex. Because it's like me picturing a four-year-old going, oh, look at my willy.

And it's like a woman saying, oh, here's willy. It's like, so are you getting fucked by a four-year-old? That's where my head goes. And I'm standing by it. You can't use it in dirty talk. Oh, totally. No, 100% you can't use it in dirty talk. Yeah, totally. No, 100% you can't use it in dirty talk. Yeah.

What? Yeah. Yeah. It's very hard to do that. I wonder if these days people are still using Johnson. Like this bloke, Christopher Johnson, would he be still copping that? I wouldn't mind that.

A woman going, you know, like the same thing I was just saying. Women I know use Willie. They're like, yeah, and then he took his Johnson out. Right. I actually love that. I'd love it if he had a girlfriend that would say to her friends, I'm just going over to see Christopher's Johnson. Yeah, nice.

That was the nickname. Very nice. I'm sure he's used that himself. I hope so. I reckon he, yeah, sleep at the wheel if he hasn't used that. Yeah, he's wasted his life. Big time. If he hasn't used that. Yeah, he's wasted his life. Big time. If he hasn't done that.

Big time. Christopher, let us know the history of how you've used your name to represent your penis. I would love to know. Yeah. Thanks, Christopher. Thanks, Christopher. All right. It is the end times, which means we've all got shit to do before it all ends.

Yeah. So we do have to shoot off. So look, we've just got one name left. Oh, okay. Hopefully, by the time everything ends up, we'll have gotten to everyone's name

that subscribes. But, yeah, we might have to have a very long episode one week. Yeah. Do six or something. Yeah.

Yeah. We've got time that long. But, okay. Right. One more. We'll just do this. We've got to take off. okay right one more we'll just do this we've got to take off

alright thank you to Patreon subscribers oh okay what oh it just reminds me of something we've been saying yeah okay the world truly has gone mad

because this has never happened before yeah yeah yeah I don't know well we'll see if you pick it up I don't know I mean we were just talking about Chris about

anyway thank you to Patreon subscriber Puntang Comedy You pick it up. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, we were just talking about Chris. Anyway. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Poon Tang Comedy. Poon Tang Comedy. So it's just weird because when I was a kid, I used to call my penis comedy. Oh, right. Okay. I used to call my penis poontang.

Thanks for listening, everyone. Thanks for listening, everyone. Take care out there. Stay safe. Hope you're all doing okay. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Links to everything we've talked about. Get on the Patreon if you want some extra content. Get in the groups.

We've got Facebook groups. For the people that are on Patreon, we have a special little group that you can find on the link on the Patreon page. The Little Dumbum Club Millionaire Group. Otherwise, get in the normal Great Unwashed group, which is called People Aware of Little Dumbum Club. Or just join the fan page, like the Facebook. You get lots of stuff every day.

And Twitter and Instagram, we're always trying to put something up every day so you're getting a little bit of content. And just let you know what's coming up and when the episodes are out and all that sort of stuff. Yep. Enjoy, folks. We'll see you next time.

See you, Matt. See you, Matt.