The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 501 - Wil Anderson & Dave Anthony

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

It's our 501st Episode Spectacular with huge special guests WIL ANDERSON and DAVE ANTHONY! Karl gets a grilling for his unorthodox conference call methods, Dave's wearing a gaming headset and Wil's house is on the internet. PLUS we do a deep dive into an incredible internet list that Karl's found AND we've got an update on Tommy's dad's memoir 'Having Said That'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Will Anderson and Dave Anthony. We have got a bit of new merchandise on sale, which we will talk to you a bit more about at the end of this episode in our world-famous segment, Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode, Will Anderson and Dave Anthony. Anthony. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. Let's introduce our guests. Two very special guests today joining us on the show. We have Dave Anthony and Will Anderson. Yay! Hello. I'm Will Anderson.

That's it. Carl went away. That was a flying start to the podcast. Dave and I have come on the podcast and we've had to eliminate somebody from the podcast. It was too much star power for a podcast like this. And Carl has been eliminated from his own podcast. This has been a controversial first day elimination. This is like if I'm the first big brother,

they fucking get rid of Sonia Kruger. This is what's happened. Oh, wow. So this is a good thing then Okay, great You guys, let's try to go easy on the Australian references For the listener at home, the way that we do this is Carl's recording setup is that he sits on the floor in his bedroom Hiding from his wife and his child

Like he's a young kid reading comic books under the blanket with a flashlight Like he's ashamed that he could be caught doing this at any given moment so let's let's let's let's let's make it clear i've i've sent my wife and child out into the cold it's not like they're coincidentally out i've said you this is this is your time you know you know when sometimes you i need a bit of me time i'm like i need you to have a bit of you time now. So I've just sent them outside. But you've decided to sit on the floor and dress like you're outside. Yes. If you've sent them out, why aren't you just at the table?

Why are you hiding in the corner? This is the bit that I don't understand either, Tommy. It's like I get the idea that if they were in their house, you would be on the floor in the bedroom away from them but you've sent them literally out of their house you're like i can't think of any other way to do it i don't know look at the pictures of us and how we're doing it sit on a chair in front of something with your zoom on your computer like a normal fucking human being in your own house is this how cucked you've become by your daughter that you can't even sit on shit in your own house

if they're not there? He's like a podcaster, a 12-year-old podcaster who's secretly podcasting so his parents don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my new porno podcast, by the way. This is the only way I'm allowed to record it. So if I'm nearly under my own bed, yeah. I do have two thermal jackets on. You are right. I am dressed for outside, even though I'm allowed to record it. So if I'm nearly under my own bed, yeah. I do have two thermal jackets on.

You are right. I am dressed for outside, even though I'm not outside. But yeah, I just didn't think any of that through. I'll admit it. Yeah, I could be sitting at the dinner table. So you didn't think through how to dress for a podcast in your house? No, where to sit. I didn't think through how to sit.

I forgot that there's video involved. It's all so bizarre. You've sent the family out into the cold. You've dressed as if it's you that's out in the cold. If I was your family and I'd gone for the walk and then I came back and found that this was how you were using the house, I would be severely disappointed and extremely pissed off at this turn of events. I've got two thermal jackets on. I just realized I handed my baby out the door and she doesn't even

have a coat on. I've got all the coats on in the house at the moment. What I love is because you've even got her baby coat on you're actually dressed up like one of those Russian babushka goals at the moment. If you just take off the layer there's a different coat underneath. But not only are you in winter clothing. I'm hoping there's a better podcaster

underneath. You're not just in winter clothing. You're dressed as if you're coaching on the sidelines for your football team during a particularly cold game. That's what you're dressed like. Yes. Man, that's literally what I've been doing. I've been using my time inside on the floor, on my own bedroom floor with my computer.

I've been shopping for like old vintage Liverpool merchandise, but not even players, not even old shirts, but like seven-year-old jackets that the assistant coaches wore on the sideline back in 2013 or something. I'm like, oh, man, yeah, cool. So that's what I've been doing all my time. That's what my wardrobe is slowly filling up with. Who are you wearing that stuff for?

Because you're not leaving the house. Is it just for you to make you happy around the house? Oh. Hey, I don't want to ruin this cool clothing outside.

I want these jackets, these nice Liverpool jackets for inside. They're inside jackets. No, but he wore the hat and the shirt for me. A little bit for you, but a lot for me.

I'm not just buying everything for you. As a guest on his podcast, he immediately assumed a threatening posture. No, Dave, it truly is like the only items of clothing I ever see Carl wear anymore is Liverpool hat, shoes, and shirt, often all three at the same time. And the analogy of dressing like a coach on the sidelines is very apt because I think that's how you view roughly 90% of your day-to-day interactions with people. But also, the thing I love about this, Carl, is that at the moment, your team,

despite the fact that they were having a wonderful season, the season is now over and so they didn't win. And so basically you are just wearing the uniform of your favourite fantasy football team. And, and so they didn't win. And so basically you were just wearing the uniform of your favorite fantasy football team. And, like, it's gone badly. Like, you're a Game of Thrones fan still doing cosplay in season eight. This is bad choices by you.

It's over. It's not over. It's not over. It's not over. The God, God, God, Jesus Christ, the whole caboodle. They were so upset that Liverpool might win a title that they gave the world a pandemic to stop it. Is this what's gotten you into religion, Dave? Is this the first time you've believed in God?

That's right. That's right. I came around. No, well, none of that's true. I don't want this to be a regular thing on the show. The season will push on. We will get our rightful title. We'll win the Premier League, okay?

There's been a little bit of a break at the moment. We will reopen. There's another guy in a red hat who makes proclamations like that, you know, Carl? We will reopen America by Easter. That's what you're sounding like right now. Exactly. And just like that guy,

I'm happy for it to open as soon as possible, even if it's not quite safe for everyone. Well, it's going to be great when that never happens. No, no. And your team doesn't win again.

No. Don't make me walk outside with my inside coat on and ruin them. All right? I think you look great, Carl. I think it's cute that you've dressed as your favourite Quidditch player for us all today.

It's very sweet. Can I say one more thing about the backdrop you've chosen? Because you're in your house. You're alone in your house. You have the opportunity to choose any backdrop that you possibly do. You could even put a Zoom one in in the background if you wanted to. But instead, you've just gone, I want my zoom today for the boys to look like i'm doing heroin in the 90s you seem to be you seem to be squatting next to a mattress in an abandoned house with no art and no sign that

anyone actually lives in the building that you're in right now. The only two things you could have done were shut the door and make the bed. Yeah, okay. Alright, well look, I could have made the bed but I had to open the door just then because the only other person in the house is the cat and the cat was scratching and I didn't want that to interfere with

such a professional podcast. I can't believe you didn't send the cat out. I tried but I can't figure out. I can't figure out a way of making the cat not scratch everything, so I can't keep the cat out of anything. I've bought this big fishing tent for it to live in overnight because that's the only way I can stop it from scratching every door, and it's even half scratched its way out of that fishing tent thing.

So I don't know. I don't know the answer with the cat. I just love the phrase from before the only other person in the house is the cat. That is the statement of a man who's fucking losing his marbles. I just love how bewildered he is by just standard cat behaviour.

I can't figure out a solution. I can't figure it out. Like I want to get a cat whisperer or something. I can't figure out a solution I can't figure it out Have you thought about feeding it? I feed it but it just wants to be part of everything so I can't close any door otherwise the cat goes fucking berserk so I keep it in a fucking net now

overnight and it's the only way we can get any sleep if it's in a fucking net What does that mean? What are you putting it in? A cat nest? Is that what you're calling it? I bought a thing online. I think I've talked about this, but I started losing my mind because I wasn't getting any sleep

because the cat, unless everything's open, the cat scratches at the door and wakes everything up. Again, this sounds very much like the fact that you're doing heroin. You're hearing scratches at the door. No, I'm just trying to lock up your demons

in some tent that you've bought off the internet into your squat you're currently living. I told my wife and daughter to go out for a bit. Yeah, they left you, man. You're doing heroin alone in your fucking Liverpool going, the season will come back, guys. The season will come back. I would say if you were a heroin addict in England, you would gravitate towards Liverpool for a team, I would say. I'll admit that much.

But I'm begging for $20 now in Victoria Street so I can buy a cat net, by the way. You're going to ask Fleety for some money. A cat net? Well, that's what it sort of is. Yeah, that's what it sort of is. It's like a big net thing. It's like a little tent.

It's kind of a mesh tent. Isn't it? I can't believe the cat's having issues. It sounds like you're treating it so well. I can't imagine why it doesn't like being locked in prison at night. I bought it online and I thought it was like online. It looks like it was about two feet long. And I bought it and it's like, was like online, it looks like it was about two feet long. And I bought it and it's like, no, no, no, the net.

He got his cat on the dark web. So my cat net that I thought was two feet long, my cat net has ended up being eight foot long. So it can't fit in many of the rooms very well. So it's now stuck in the guest bathroom, but it can't fit in the guest bathroom. It has to be like half upright. So like half of its net is like pointing up in the air

and leaning on a bath. So that's where it lives for 12 hours a day. Well, that's exactly how when you adopt a a cat that's exactly what they say to do with it they say trap it in some weird net contraption for 12 hours a day i'm glad you're using the same cat raising techniques as i use at guantanamo bay i you know what i got told just treat treat your cat like a crayfish and everything will be okay. So that's what I'm doing, all right? Keeping it in this fucking uploader net.

Did you get that information from a crayfish fisherman? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's what I do. That's what I get my advice from. Who gave me the advice for dressing today? Carl, did your child really go for a walk or have child services turned up and taken her away? Because it sounds like a fucking asylum around there at the moment.

No, no. Everything's going okay. Everything's fine, guys. My baby is currently crawling on the roof above me. Everything's fine. Okay, so right before we came in there, I bought my son a new computer. So I said, figure out what kind of desk you want for your room, and we'll get that. And I go, just send it to me on my phone.

Just send me a picture of it and what it is. And this is what he texted me. Can you see it? Okay. I don't know what that is. That is a 16-inch realistic dildo. Huge, big size, flexible dildo with powerful suction cup. And you can see underneath he wrote, big.

Okay. Yep. Yep. Yep. How realistic is it if it's 16 inches though? I find... Around our house? Around our house it's pretty realistic.

Because we have a horse in the back room. Right, okay. Yeah, I was struggling without a two-foot cat in the picture to give me an idea of the scale of the 16-inch dick. Yeah. Yeah, I was struggling without a two-foot cat in the picture to give me an idea of the scale of the 16-inch dick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what I like about the fact, can we talk about gaming just for a second?

Because the headset that you've got on today is a gaming headset, Dave. And of all the people on this podcast who was going to wear a gaming headset, you are the least likely, I'm going to say, to wear a gaming headset. And so instead, it means you've grown your beard, you've got a gaming headset on, you've got another microphone in front of you, you're in your little office in the dark, and it feels like you have fully turned into one of those guys who has internet conspiracy YouTube show. Yeah.

Oh my God. So. Will, have you read his Twitter? Haven't you read his Twitter before? He is that guy. I'm the only sane one on Twitter. That's what Greg Larson said too. Yeah.

RIP. RIP. It's just so hard when you're just the only sane person. You know what I mean? It must be so frustrating to be the only one who's telling the truth while everybody else is saying other things i cannot explain to you how difficult it is to live that life but that's the life that i'm living is that what it is is greg larson greg larson's your australian franchise you you kind of came out here you scouted you scouted for opportunities

you'd have to get a local branch going it's the least uh least we can do that see now i don't know that much about politics, but what I do know is I learn about it from Twitter. Now, when I open Twitter, I don't see anyone else's tweets except for Dave Anthony's. That's all I see. So all I know about politics is through Dave Anthony. So this is what I've learned so far.

This is where I'm up to at the moment. Now, correct me if I'm wrong with any of this. Everyone is bad and we all should kill ourselves. Is that the right? No, no, no, no, no. We all should move to another country. Okay, alright.

That's more optimistic. Not kill. No, I don't think we should all kill ourselves. We should kill other people. Okay, right. So are you actually going to... there's a lot of talk. You do a lot of talking about moving to another country. Is it actually going to happen? It looks like it. My son and wife are more and more on board every single day.

They hear about what's happening. And the weird thing is, Carl, that he's going to move to Koh Samui. Finally. Finally. Finally. Yes. You get there now. Set up the stage. Oh, no, no. The only time I actually leave Koh Samui is during the

podcast festival because it's just such a hassle. It's such a hassle for us locals. You know what I mean? Streets are clogged. Can't drive anywhere. Yeah, I don't want that. You get to rent your place out for a premium while you're gone. Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Yeah, you're like the locals in Edinburgh. Just go on a holiday. Yeah. That's great. That's awesome. You know, that's the one thing I've set myself to do while we're all locked out and everything. I've set myself on the show a few weeks ago to learn Thai since I've been there so many times

and I still don't know the language or anything. So that eventually when we get to go back there, when I get to go back there, I can actually look like I have been there 20 times or 22 times or whatever I actually have been. So I've been really, really slowly learning how to speak Thai. And from what I've learned so far is – Can I ask you a question? Yes. How are you learning?

How are you learning? I Googled how do I speak Thai and I clicked on the first link. So that was on YouTube and so I'm listening to that very slowly every night. That's what the experts say. That's what they say you should do. Well, you know, you've got to get a license to be on YouTube. The way you introduced that, Carl, like you actually almost got choked up when you were talking about the idea that one day you'll get to go back

to your one true love. And then what I love is not only have you missed her so much that you choked up even thinking about returning to her, but you want to do something special for her. You're like'm gonna learn her language so next time you rock up you're like it's me i'm back and then you bust out some time you're like i've been missing you i i'm man i'm really looking forward to being able to go there and like just say normal things it's going to be good um but what But what I've learnt so far is that... I only knew two things to say, I think.

Sex worker and beer. No, no. No, no. Not those things. I knew two things to say over there. Can you make this bed for me? Go for a walk. Give me back my coat get out

can you tell me what's wrong with my cat this is this is you know what it's it's you you're making fun of the land of smiles they're very polite over there now i know why I go over there so often They're very polite Like your culture Or whatever your culture You people have Google what's Ty for

They would have won the league You can't just stop the season That was so far ahead That they definitely would have won Yes What I was going to say Carl on this is I think you're going about it the wrong way

Because if you go to a youtube video and it's just like how do you speak thai this is a really inefficient way for you because like you don't want to have to have a year or two years to really get yourself across like what they're going to prioritize in the video what you need to know about the thai language is not actually what you need to know about the thai language i bet you'd be able to come up with they say 20 phrases that you use most commonly when you are in Thailand and just get those 20 phrases and the pat responses back to those 20 phrases and cut down on all,

you don't need to know like, how do I catch a bus or whatever in Thai? You're not going to catch a bus. So like you need to know some other things. Yeah, you know, you're right. And I'm not learning any of that.

I'm, I am, I'm trying to learn just the absolute basics. It's taking me, I'm a slow learner. I'll. I'm trying to learn just the absolute basics. I'm a slow learner. I'll admit I'm a slow learner with stuff like this. So I'm just watching the same stuff every day on the same video, refreshing the same video. But it's, I don't know.

This is the thing I'm getting a bit stressed about is that I think I only knew two phrases or two things to say before this that was getting me through the last 20 trips. And now that I've gone into the first four minutes of this YouTube video, I found out that both of those things were wrong. The only two things I knew weren't right. So what, you just got some dodgy information

from a local when you were there about how to speak the language and what, you've just been saying, go fuck yourself to people when they've given you a coffee or whatever? No, I just copied what someone else said, I think. I think that was it. And so I've just been saying, go fuck yourself to people when they've given you a copy or whatever? No, I just copied what someone else said, I think. I think that was it. And so I've just been saying what they said, and that's wrong.

Which is the real-life version of going to Google, saying how do I speak Thai, and going to the first link. He's been walking up to people at Koh Samui going, may I have some spaghetti? Yeah. Yeah, but that's what I wanted to say at Koh Samui going, may I have some spaghetti? Yeah. Yeah, but that's what I wanted to say. So what were you saying? Tell us the two phrases and what was wrong about them.

Okay, so what I've been saying is kop and ka, which is thank you, and sawadee ka, which is hello. But what I've learned after two minutes of this youtube tutorial is that when you say car at the end that's the female tense of saying anything so i've been saying hello i am a woman uh thank you i am a woman the whole time apparently which which i i don't i don't understand i don't understand how they i don't understand how they've let me do that for like you know six or seven years why do they let me do that for like six or seven years. Why did they let me do that?

They're very accepting people. There's no judgments coming at you. It's fine. You're a woman. They've been very happy when I've said that. Yes. Wouldn't you? If somebody came into your shop and said in English, thank you, I am a woman, like out of context, like

of course you would be happy. Absolutely. Like if you're down at Thursday Night Comedy at the European Beer Cafe and you hand back your change and somebody with limited English says, thank you, I am a woman, you're just like, well, my night's slightly better than what you did. So, so, so, well, if that was me, if that was happening to me, that means that in Koh Samui there might be someone with their own podcast that has been dining out on these stories for, like, years now, that this Australian guy keeps coming back and keeps saying,

thank you, I'm a woman, hello, I'm a woman, nonstop. And I keep laughing and going, yeah, yeah. So now we've opened the possibility. Yeah, you're their favourite. Basically, by learning Thai, you're actually taking away from the joy they experience when they see you. So you might have to consider the opposite side of this. If you stop telling people you're a woman, you might be like, hang on, I just, the vibe

of this place seems to have gone away since I've learned the language. Yeah, this isn't the land of smiles so much. This is more the land of mocking than it is the land of smiles, really, I think, at this point. I just think it's interesting that the Thai language, given that it is the land of the ladyboy, has a different suffix for if you're a woman speaking. You know, you would think that they understand that gender's fluid.

You know, you would think that they would just have the one term for everyone. Well, I agree. I don't really understand. There's no English equivalent of that where you have a male and a female verbal communication saying I'm a woman or I'm a man. I don't quite understand why they do have that. And it's really annoying because I was so happy with getting to say cop and car. I knew how to do that easily. That's the go-to.

That's embedded in my head. And now I've got to learn not to say that anymore. And it's such an uglier way of saying it now. It's cop and crap. It's cop and crap, I have to say. That's the male. No, that's cool. It's for the fellas.

It's a romantic language. It's beautiful. The tie-getter. We love it. It just flows off the tongue. We love that kind of shit. Yeah, cop and car, cop and car. That sounds beautiful. The tie-getter. We love it. Cop and car just flows off the tongue. We love that kind of shit. Yeah, cop and car, cop and car. That sounds beautiful.

Cop and crap. And you're saying thank you to someone. Thank you, crap. Thank you, shit. I studied French when I was in year seven, and different words have genders, which I could never work out. And that kind of informs how you put it into a sentence.

And far and away, the hardest part of learning French is like, will work out so and like that kind of informs how you put put it into a sentence and like far and away the hardest part of learning french is like you know you'd say um you know i sat on the chair and they're like no no you used you used the boy version there and a chair is actually feminine so you should you should be saying i'm sitting on a girl chair and it's like trying to work out how the french decided what is inherently masculine and what is inherently feminine as just objects was fucking impossible. Well, I love the idea that someone had firm opinions about it because at some stage that's got to be decided, right?

If you're going to say, no, a chair is definitely a woman and shelves are definitely a man, you have to go around and go, there must have been one guy who just went around, boy, girl, girl girl boy yes yeah hear me out hear me out would you sit on a man no there must be that must be a thing in school like someone like a boy walks in a room and sits on a on a chair and you go ah you're a girl you sat on a chair that's for girls right right cou right. The couches are masculine.

Yeah. Surely there's something like that. Yeah. I starve to death because I'm a man and the fridge is feminine and I'm not allowed to open it because it's for girls. So now I'm wasting away. I'm starving. It's for girls.

Well, this is an interesting extrapolation of the idea that language is now exclusively for those people. So what you're saying is that not only is the chair a woman, but chairs are only for women? Is that what you're saying? Yeah, the chair itself. Yeah, yeah. It's forbidden from being used by men.

Yeah, exactly right. Yeah. What a fucked country. I'm prepared to go on the record and say, France can fuck off. Yeah. Come and get me. Oh, you can't. Oh, you can't.

Oh, you can't travel anywhere. Too bad. Yeah, well, the planes are female, so a lot of macho guys couldn't get on it anyway. Yeah. Well, you go into it, so it's female. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of talk of my background my backdrop now will

um i was going to ask what what room you're recording in at the moment but then i realized i don't have to ask i can just read the daily mail and match up the photos that of your house that i can see on the daily mail article and figure out what room you're in at the moment they've got your entire house on the day yeah that wasn't a great bit of the week turns out the daily mail aren't great turns out they're not not great people i was unaware of that up until this moment but it turns out that they're not great how did they get your entire house on the yeah well i mean because it's big news dave people need to know where i live and pictures of the inside of the house and they're to readily identify the address absolutely and uh yeah it's really great that's that's what people need to know at a time of the inside of the house and to readily identify the address. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, it's really great. That's what people need to know. At a time of pandemic, there's nothing more important than people know exactly where I live and that it used to be used as the house of Skippy. Yeah, that's what we need to know. Yeah, yes, yes, yes. Yes, have you talked about this yet, that Skippy was made at your house?

Wait, Skippy? Skippy the bush kangaroo. You know Skippy, Dave. Skippy, Alex P. Keaton's best friend on the popular TV series Family Ties. Yeah, that's what I was hoping it was. That's what I was hoping for. That would be great if we were that excited in Australia that an absolute D-grade actor from family

ties once lived in a house that would be fucking awesome so you are you at the moment will you in the room that's been easily modernized with a lick of white paint transforming the space to appear even larger and providing more light with wooden floorboards extending throughout the home are you in that room at the moment it looks like that from what i can see yeah yeah god they went into they went into excruciating detail to make people stop reading the story um it's one of those great things where because what they'll do with these sort of things is basically they just find the real estate listing of the house and they put two and two together and then they just write an article based off the description that was in the real estate listing of the house and they put two and two together and then they just write an article based off the description that was in the real estate listing of the house so all the

pictures of the house are actually just the old pictures of the house that were online when the house was being sold and so it's pretty invasive anyway but the house doesn't really look like that you know anymore anyway so there's a bit of that that you know kind of feels you're just like oh who cares but there is a part of it where they um they'll go away and they'll find a quote from you from something else so i was doing a radio interview um on triple m in melbourne and we were on the phone because the internet wasn't working and so i was like riffing about you know not having the internet work for three weeks and so then they included that in the story as if now i was some person in my mansion in the hills complaining that I didn't have internet.

And I was like, oh, come on. Come on. Like angry people on the Daily Mail just like, what you got to complain about? And I was like, I wasn't complaining. I literally, you're angry at me, but like the only thing I'm complaining about is this story on this fucking terrible clickbait website

is that is that why they filmed Skippy there so Sonny could be down a well going Skippy there's no wifi down here send help

yeah someone reading it going yeah that nice white paint might make the room look bigger but it doesn't get the fucking wifi signal going does it

cunt yeah oh so you read it I'm interested now I'm interested in the Skippy show he helps people out of wells yeah yeah oh so you read it i i'm now i'm interested in the skippy uh show yeah he helps people out of wells yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah skippy was uh always the person to to run and get help for some reason which you wouldn't have thought uh you know asking a marsupial um to

go and relay a message was the best idea but it seemed to happen every week and and it was pretty successful um so it was a a kangaroo a friendly kangaroo a friend sorry friendly bush kangaroo as opposed to those urban kangaroos that we have sure um i've seen i've actually seen those lately yeah yeah yeah on on planes um so they filmed some of it in your property was that the deal breaker for you will was that is that why you've moved in there because you want to be part of australian television well i mean you know you know it's not uncommon for celebrities to sell their house to other celebrities car i met skippy backstage at the loggies one night man loves cocaine skippy like just fucking mad he actually put the guy in the well. Broke his legs.

It was a fucking drug deal gone wrong. That's what happened. Is it obvious around your house? Do you know where they filmed? Do you know what they used in the house to film? Have I gone back and had a comparison to my house and scenes from the original TV series, Skippy, to go, that's my house.

Yeah. We live very different lives, Carl. Very different lives. Damn. Fuck. I would totally do that. No, that's the point I was making. You would totally do that.

Yeah. How deep into ISO madness would you have to get, Will, for us to see you turn up online with a shot-for-shot remake of Skippy filmed in your house where you're running around pretending to be a kangaroo? Yes. Yes.

Yes. If I were Dave or Greg Larson, give me a fortnight. But I'm going to say... Yeah, that's right. Because if you go down the well, they can't read your mind. That's like wearing the tinfoil hat. Well, my fact is that there's a town nearby to us that is quite famous for its alternative views

around a whole bunch of issues, David. They are not... Marijuana being one. I've been to the area. Not vaccinating your children being another one. And believing that there might be some links between 5G and coronavirus turns out is one of the new ones.

Yes. You have Americans living near you. between 5G and coronavirus, turns out, is one of the new ones. Oh, wow. Yes. You have Americans living near you. What a shame, though, to mix all those messages up. It's like, oh, it's a place with its liberal marijuana laws and stuff, and you go, oh, cool, and then they have to go the far right as well. Like, why can't they be middle ground? Why is it all far left and far right why can't they just have common you know what i love is um sometimes when you just don't know who to barrack for in a scene

when you see it like sometimes if there's a protest i'd be mad at the cops for breaking up the protest in a way they shouldn't do it but the other day uh in this town there was a protest against the 5g tower they were going to try to pull down the 5G tower and they all broke the social distancing laws because they thought the 5G caused coronavirus, the irony being that they were doing something that could spread coronavirus in a place where no one's fucking vaccinated against anything.

So, you know, like, and it's one of those things where you see the scenes and you just go, I don't know whose side I'm on in this. I can't find. Yeah. Also, they're protesting a 5G tower at a point where you don't have any internet. You're probably there going, fucking build it quicker. Amy literally said to me after we'd had to watch free-to-air television for three weeks,

she just said to me, she turned to me and she said, free-to-air television is worse than coronavirus free to free to air tv um now dave i i didn't realize this i i was um trying to think of um stuff to talk to you about today before this and i was looking through your imdb i didn't realize i'm sure you've talked about this before i didn't realize you're on an episode of entourage oh yeah i was how the fuck have we never brought this up before i you know i've never seen the show i never watched an episode uh yeah i played a writer in an episode and i was in there with um jeremy piven and God, who's the older guy? Gary... Oldman. Whatever, the older guy.

No, Coleman. Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman. Gary Busey? Gary Busey's in it a couple times. Gary Busey. Oh, wow.

Any Gary you can think of. That's who was in the scene. It was just me at a table, and we were just having a discussion about something. I was pitching a show or something like that. Oh, man. And you were... Jeremy Piven was such a dick. He's one of those guys who you've heard forever that he's just an asshole,

and then you sit down. It was one of those things where it was me and another comedian, and we were joking around, and then he would just ruin it by being a dick and you'd be like what is what is happening that you're just not at all enjoyable did did ruin him did the hair did the new hair ruin him because you see him like he popped up on an episode of seinfeld the other day like old school where he's very bald and you know he was on larry sanders very bold he was very sort of an intimidated character. And then he got the hair and now he's just a fucking asshole.

Is that what happened? I think that he started getting cast as a dick because he looked more like a dick with hair on his head. And then he just kind of became that guy. I didn't see any difference between him on and off screen, honestly. I used to go to the same gym as jeremy piven um yeah so i used to get when i was living in la there was this gym up the road from me that like you know a bunch of la people would go to and uh that was pretty much the only reason that kept me going back to the gym to be honest was like i would pop up to the gym and go, oh, look, Dr. Dre.

And then so go on the walker for about 20 minutes and go home. It's so how pathetic is it that I know the gym he works out at? So now I know where you work. And so there were regular people kind of who went there all the time, one of which being Fabio. Do you remember Fabio, the guy who got hit by the seagull, the male model? Did you call him a regular person? Well, no, he would be regular at the gym.

So he would be there like every time I went to the gym, Fabio would be there at the gym. I got the impression. I thought you meant that the stars were so big there that Fabio just ranked as a regular person. Citizen Fabio. Yeah, I mean, Cameron Diaz was there quite a lot, so I guess Fabio was a regular person. Citizen Fabio. Yeah, I mean, Cameron Diaz was there quite a lot. So I guess Fabio was a regular person.

You're right, actually. Yeah, yeah. And Fabio would do a very good line in chatting up sort of your hot mums. That seemed to be his go. He would kind of stick around the gym and he'd just do some light weights or whatever and then he'd just move in on some like you know middle-aged woman who was keeping herself fit and give it a bit of like i'm fabio action that's amazing oh and jeff goldblum used to go there and he would go on the stairmaster in his in his um slacks and uh dress shoes so he would come in

and like in normalacks and dress shoes. So he would come in and like in normal pants and dress shoes, go on the walk. Oh no, this is a, this is a, this is an old Jeff Goldblum thing. So he, between,

between, this is an old story, between shoots, he would go and lift and then run back to the set. So he would go. So that might've been when he was doing it. Yeah, well, that explains it. He looked like a character.

When I go to the gym, that's an old person move. I see people, like it's like Tuesday is like retirement home day at my gym, and so people come in in slacks and like loafers and stuff because they don't have any gym gear. So that's what Jeff Goldblum is doing. He's just pensioner gymming. I am a little bit confused about your gym now. They have seniors day when I'm there.

Yeah. So when you signed up, they were like, you know, Tuesdays and Thursdays would be really good for you. I think it's more your speed. You can wear loafers. Your bone density pushes you towards Tuesday morning, if you could do that. I go at three in the afternoon, then I'm out of there at 4.30 in time for dinner. It's perfect.

If there's 70-year-olds doing dead deadlifts i don't have to change the weights i just do the same the same as them could it be because my main memory of old people at the gym is like low-hanging testicles in the change rooms did they do when you went in some sort of fitness test and assess the low-hanging nature of your nuts and go but no you're going to be much more comfortable. Yeah. Man, I go in there and it's like that. It's like you go in there on old person days,

on the Tuesday mornings or whatever, and you go in there and there's just dudes with their pants off and it's all of that sort of happening. And then there's signs all over the wall saying, no photography in the change room. I'm like, fucking way ahead of you, dude. There's no need to document this. Is it like the measurement thing when you get on a roller coaster,

like your balls must be this low to enter? It's how you actually unlock at the front door. They've got a ball-shaped thing that you have to fit your balls through to be able to actually... A little scanner thing that you teabag. It's like the eyeball test in a secret agent movie, except it's with testicles. And so if you don't have them low enough,

you have to cut them off an old person in the car park and use their testicles to get into the gym. I like that that's a big difference between LA and Australia for you then, Will. When you were in LA, you used to go to the gym with Jeff Goldblum, and now you're in Australia, you're hanging out in the house that Skippy used to live in. So that's a nice comparison. I'm going to the gym with Skippy, obviously.

He's doing a lot more leg weights than upper body stuff. He's always doing deadlifts, that guy. Do you keep Skippy in a large mesh tent in your guest bathroom? Just so he can't escape He's just scratching the walls My polished floorboards He's scratching my polished floorboards, Carl There's just a big picture of him in your little home gym

Never skip leg day And, yeah, there's just a big picture of him in your little home gym. Never skip leg day. Yeah, nice. Nice stuff. He's done it. Very nice stuff. He's done it. Yeah. Yeah.

So I was looking at my IDB for Dave, and then I was like, oh, okay, I'll have a look at Will and see if Will's done anything really early days that I didn't know about. And there wasn't really anything that I didn't know about or anything like that. But what I did see was there was a link next to your page where it's got like, you know, lists. I didn't know you could sort of do these lists on IMDb, but like a bunch of lists that you might be in, you know,

like famous Australian actors or famous, you know, stuff like that. So there was a list next to your name that says you're on a list that's called Top Aussie Blokes. And so I clicked on that and that's what it says, Top Aussie Blokes. And then when you click on it, when you get to the actual page, it says Top Aussie Blokes and then underneath it says dot, dot, dot, that I want a bone. And you're number one on that list. Well, let me tell you why I made that list, though.

But I thought that was so funny. It's just like a hook. It's like you think it's some, like, Ray Martin's made some nice list, top Aussie blokes, and then dot, dot, dot, that I want a bone. So then you're number one. Will Anderson's number one. Okay, well, firstly, I'd like to thank everybody

who put this list together. I appreciate being number one on any list. Hey, not everyone, just one person. You just want to thank Hayley Stockall. So thanks to Hayley Stockall, who ranked you as the number one top Aussie bloke that she wants to bone. I would kind of love it if that was the whole list. Yeah. No, no, there's a lot the whole list. Yeah. Yeah.

No, no, there's a lot on the list. Well, this is what I need to – Number 11 is Tom Ballard, so good luck with that one. Have you seen this list, Will? I love, firstly, that you say that Tom being gay rules out the possibility that Hayley will get to bone this person, locking in the possibility that I might still. Like, it's not going to happen for me and Hayley either. Well, and also the title of the list is that I want to bone,

not that I think I have a chance of being able to bone. Like, she's allowed to be as fantastic as she wants. Yeah. And, Will, I've never heard you identify as a person who definitely doesn't want to bone Hayley Stockall. So, you know, unless you want to get that going, how was I to know? But that was actually what his show was going to be about. I love that Hayley's put together this list and she's put it on IMDB,

the natural home of a list like this. The International Movie Database. Yeah, yeah, yeah. movie database. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I want to flick the bean tonight, Mike. Go to IMDB.

Wow. Okay, so who else is on the list? Who came in number two? Number two. Well, it'll be interesting, the top three, actually. So number one is Will Anderson. Number two is Josh Lawson. Oh. Number three.

Number three is Adam Hills. Mix it up, Hayley. Come on. Come on. Get a bit of variety in your life there. You know, you two are already mistaken all the time. If you guys look similar, why not have some different faces in the top three?

Well, I'm taking that that you're comparing us to being as handsome as Josh Lawson, so I'm absolutely fine with this list so far. Yeah, well, number five is Chris Hemsworth, so you're four places above him. Wow! Very nice words. This is getting better every day. I mean, like, you know, this is brilliant so far.

I mean, okay, it's a little white. If we were in a casting meeting right now, we might say, is there any diversity you're going to throw under your list hayley but you know sure oh yeah yeah hayley's a bit probo yeah yeah what what i what i quite like about this list is and again on imdb just a list list of people she wants to root um is that at number 14 and 15 she's gone number 14 frank woodley number 15, Colin Lane. I've never heard of a sexual fantasy about having a three-way with Lane Owen Woodley before. Is that a common thing?

Is that a common fantasy? Well, she didn't say equal 14th. That would be the threesome. She said 14th and 15th, so she's going to have sex with Frank and then with Colin. Or maybe the other way around so that they say good stuff until last what i'd like some clarity on when she says um the list of top aussie blokes does she mean that this is like the top um people that she wants to root or when she says top aussie blokes does this

mean that to qualify to being on this list you have to be a good bloke so these are people that she assumes are good people that she wants to have sex with does that make sense or or does she want to or does she want to actually top them ah right oh yeah yeah nice interesting nice nice well i i assume that she's like putting top aussie blokes there to get through the sensor to get through the sensor of imdb because then she slipped in the you know that i want to don't button so she she she probably tried a few times to go um dudes on tv that i want to suck off and just got denied from imdb so she i can tell you i can clearly done that i can tell you for sure that that isn't that that will not go you've tried that yeah okay

from my own personal research how long how long until this list gets mysteriously edited and Tony Martin shows up in the number one spot? How many comedians are in the top 20? So how many comedians are in that 20? Is there anyone who isn't like doesn't do comedy it's nearly well Chris Hemsworth

I would say he doesn't do comedy I don't know I saw his last film oh ouch ouch meow

oh old old old fucking rotten tomatoes over here oh fuck alright Perez

settle down I walked Will. Good one. You made Will walk out of the room and now he fell down a well. Skippy. Skippy. Thank God. Thank God there's a smart kangaroo there. Yeah. Thank God

there's an animal that can't speak English that we can pass on a message to. There is... They're nearly all comedians. There's Merrick Watts, there's Angus Sampson, there's, yeah, Adam Hills, there's Andy Lee, there's Tom Ballard, there's Hamish Blake, Rove McManus, Lena Woodley, Sean McAuliffe, Chris Taylor, Dave Lawson, Brendan Cowell, James Matheson. All, all, basically, nearly alleson. Nearly all comedians. Nearly all comedians.

Right. Interesting. Yeah, nearly. Nearly. Chuck a plug for the podcast in the comments of this article. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You should put in the comment section,

you should say Carl, and I would definitely do Carl and Tommy from Little Dumb Dumb Club. Yeah, I'll do that. The great thing is that knowing your fans, no one at all will visit this page and do anything. What I love about this is that because there's a list of 20 and it seems to be mostly comedians, you know there's at least one comedian who's now mad he didn't make the list oh yeah oh yeah oh i i can i can hear the steam coming

out of dave hughes's ears as we speak found this bloody imdb page this girl doesn't want to root me pissed off DB page. This girl doesn't want to root me. Pissed off. Well, it hasn't been updated for a while. I have to say, I'll take this off. This was created in July 2012. Oh, wow. There might be some room to move.

There may have been some new people into the mix since then. Wasn't Bella like 11 then? That's not cool. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. He may have been straight then. That may clear up some confusion. He may have been straight then. Well, he might not have been out.

You know what I mean. You know what I mean. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2013, the year Tom Ballard decided to be gay. We all remember

where we were when he called us up and said, I've made a big decision. I'm turning gay. Yeah, I was on IMDB changing my choices.

That's where I was on IMDB changing my choices. That's where I was. You had to call this poor woman up and tell her. Yeah, I might look her up. So what's her name? Hayley Stockall. I'm going to look up her on Facebook and see if I can send her a message as we speak. Can you also imagine for her, though,

if you do find her and you send her a message the fact that she's written some list on imdb eight years ago that she's probably clearly forgotten about and then she might just get a reminder from her past of like hey could you do an updated list what's your list now what's your 2020 list yeah yeah she's she's married now. She's married now to a guy that looks like Will. She's got three beautiful children. Lano, Woodley, Rove, all running around.

This list comes back into her life. Yeah, what if she's married a comedian now? Yeah, what if she's actually married? Yeah, this is how you meet my girlfriend for the first time, by unearthing her IMDB list from eight years ago. What if she's married, like, Dave Thornton, and then we bring this up, and then all of a sudden there's just this big list of all the comedians

she wants to root in Melbourne and Australia, and this breaks them the fuck up. And he's not on the list. Yeah, is Thornton not on the list? No, he's not on the list of all the comedians she wants to root in Melbourne and Australia. And this breaks them the fuck up. Yeah. And he's not on the list. Yeah, it's Thornton on the list. No, he's not on the list. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Brutal. Also, who doesn't put Dave Thornton on the list? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a conscious choice, isn't it? I mean, particularly because if you've got a type, like, you know, Dave Thornton fits you to that type. So it's actually a real harsh rejection

for Thorno because if you're thinking if you're making a list of someone who's attracted to Adam Hills and me Thorno's just sitting there in the audience

going oh any minute now my name's gonna be called I'm ready to go seeing Frank Woodley slip on a banana peel and go God I'd love him

to fuck me and then seeing Thornton going, Ew, yuck. Yucky. This has to be a new thread from the show. Anytime we have anyone who's appeared on this list on the pod, we've got to get their thoughts on their ranking on this list. Yep.

Got to run it by them. Well, there's two Hayley Stockalls on Facebook, and I've just messaged both of them with the link and with the message. Is this you? And if so, is this list in order still accurate?

So I've messaged both of those people now. At least you don't seem like a total creep at all. Oh, my God. Fuck. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. I think I've messaged a girl who's like 12 years old.

I'm going to message her that message. Hey, it's not that bad. It's not that bad. She was four when she wrote the list, okay? So it's not all bad. Man, I just messaged a child. I just messaged a child. I just messaged a child. I didn't look at the picture.

Why aren't I on this list? Don't you want to fuck me? I'm in comedy and I'm hot. I sent my wife out. I sent my wife and child out for a walk. Let's chat. Fuck. The picture of her is like her and her friends at a

playground. I've just messaged her that message. Fuck. Ask her if she likes cats. Well, luckily, maybe send another one and say apologies. I thought this was someone else. Luckily, when the authorities get involved, Carl, they'll know that you had no other choice other than to send the message before you clicked on the picture

to see if they were a 12-year-old girl. This is Facebook's fault. Why is that a function? Why does it make you send the message before you can see anything about the person? This one's on Zuckerberg. Why is my IMDB status currently updated to be soon to be appearing in Orange is the New Black?

Why is that popped up now? soon to be appearing in Orange is the New Black. Why is that popped up now? It could also be a woman's daughter that she has a picture of. A lot of people do that. Okay, maybe. But I want it to be that you just messaged a 12-year-old girl. To me, it's just a better story. And then you get in trouble for it.

Just like the newspapers, the Daily Mail can use the headline, Hey, Rad Dad. Yeah. I can give the Daily Mail a detailed description of your house to run alongside the article about you being incarcerated. The wall was without art, much like a heroin addict's house might look like. Mr Chandler, come with us.

Would you like to grab a coat first? No, I'm fine. I've got two on, actually. This is ideal. Good news is you won't need to worry about making the bed when you're sleeping on a fucking concrete slab for the next five to eight years. And the door's always open in a way, you know. That cat won't be able to eight years. And the door's always opening away, you know. That cat won't be able

to get you. No, the cat'll come visit you. How do you like it now? How do you like living in your little mesh tent? Fuck. Fuck. And it's eight It's eight years ago

The real Hayley Stockwell Has probably got married And has a different last name I'm just harassing Random Two children probably Fucking hell Can you click

Does she have an account on IMDB That you can click and get anymore Or is it Does it just Does it just come up with like Oh yeah It's crazy that she's put her full name Yeah I can click on it

It's crazy that she's put her full name On this can click on it it's crazy that she's put her full name on this internet fuck list that she's created yeah that's bizarre behavior yeah well that's just that's just being

that's just being confident she's like putting it out there like hey if Will comes across this he's clearly gonna click on my name and then and then hit me

yeah right this is like a like a a horny time capsule you know if someone digs this up in eight years. You know what we call this in the business? We call it a honeypot.

What if you click on her link and she's got a series of other lists and it's like, say, famous Australian iconic TV characters I'd like to bone and Skippy's number one. Oh. Oh. Yeah. That's all we that's all we call

in the business a perfect storm um yeah this is you know what this is weird you know what

she's got two she's got two lists so that was top Aussie blokes that I want to bone and then she's got she's got another list that says

these are a few of my favorite men dot dot dot and so I click on it and there's no follow up that she wants these are a few of my favorite men, dot, dot, dot. And so I click on it, and there's no follow-up that she wants to bone them. But then it's like Leonardo DiCaprio, Ewan McGregor, Heath Ledger, but James Franco.

They're just a few of her favorite men, but she doesn't want to bone them. Isn't that weird? No. She just sort of vaguely likes them. She's too intimidated by them. But guys like Will are approachable. They're funny.

Bonable. Yeah. Bonable. Yeah. Will is a possibility. Leonardo DiCaprio is not. I need to point out for the record again, I am not a possibility. Just in case anyone's thinking, I am not a possibility.

Hey, hey, on Facebook, that might be an old photo. She might be 16 by now. You don't know. anyone's thinking I have not a possibility hey hey on Facebook that might be an old photo she might be 16 by now you don't know that might be an old photo from when she's 12 she might be

she might be 16 throwback yes Derek you're hoping anyway oh my god this would be so this would be so amazing if this podcast ended with cops

walking through that door yeah I kind of want to stay on the line for as long as we can. I'm locking me up in my cat's net. Sorry, guys. I missed all that. My internet dropped out. It didn't, but I'm just saying that for court purposes

when they read the transcript back. Yeah, Carl's the first person to catfish himself by just not properly looking at the profile. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, heyfish himself by just not properly looking at the profile. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, hey, hey, my name's not on it. You know, you should check Will's house. He's gone. Look down the well.

Also, even if you had sent that to the right person in the first place, the possibility is that someone's going to click on a link that seems so much like the sort of link that somebody would send you to click on to steal all your bank account details they're not going to click on it well they might this might be she may have been waiting for this for years i mean eight years just like please someone message me yeah yeah yeah totally and she looks at like you know uh friends of you know she looks at my profile sees it you're friends with me on facebook and then goes oh maybe it's like you know at school when you go can you ask um can you know get a friend to go and ask if this person likes me or not it might be like that right right right right right yeah but in actuality she looks at your picture and she goes what the fuck this old

man is fucking creeping on me and then she tells her husband, and he's like, who's this fucking Carl Chandler guy? And now you have... And then her husband, Zolano and Woodley, come around and bash him. That's right. Get him, 15 and 16! Kick his ass! Get in the top 10! You bash him,

you're top 5! Alright, wow, this is a truly harrowing Ben, you bash him. You're top five. All right. Wow. This is a truly harrowing turn of events. This is a great thread for the podcast. This is a real cliffhanger for next week. Will Carl Chandler get locked up? I'll follow up.

I'll follow up. I'll see if I get a response from either of these young ladies. Yeah, yeah. Hey, I've got to do a quick, before we head out of here, I've got to do a quick follow-up on something from the other week. Dave and Will, you might not be, you won't be across this, but Carl found out recently that my dad has been working on an autobiography for I think close to 20 years at this point.

Oh, my God. Bumped into Carl and just casually let this go. Just before you go on I just need to just for a second because you said an update for something that I mentioned on the show

a couple of weeks ago and I was like is Tommy about to tell us that he's been pegged because I yes now that you've put that out to the universe

that is a ticking clock for the moment on this podcast you guys so guys I've got something to talk about. That's great. You think that's what I'm doing and then I just start talking about my dad.

Well, A, I'd love it if it comes up in his autobiography. And also, B, I think if I end up in prison, I think I'll be getting pegged before you do, Tommy. Oh, yeah, yeah. You can give me some pointers. But no, no updates on that front. And thank you to all the people who keep sending me DMs on Twitter and Instagram to ask if I have been fucked up the ass with a strap on yet.

It's often been said that the lines between fan and friend in a podcast audience relationship are heavily blurred and nowhere has that been more evident for me than the last month in isolation having nothing but time to read all these depraved messages that are sent to me. So that's a yes or a no? I blame them. I blame these idiot fans, not the podcast hosts who opened up a show by going,

welcome into the little dum-dum club, but I want to get fucked up the ass this week. But no, no updates on that, sadly. That's too bad. Literally no up the dates on that. No up the dates on that. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of cooled off a bit because my girlfriend doesn't – she doesn't think I'm up to it. Like she kind of thinks I'm all cool.

She's like, no, you don't have the – she's like, you don't have the stones. I'm like, no, it'd be cool. Let's give it a go. She's like, no, no. You need to do some serious warming up if we're going to do this. I've seen the picture that Dave got sent by his son and you've really –

I love that your girlfriend looks at you and goes, you're not man enough to get fucked up the ass. That's awesome. I mean, I'd buy a butt plug or whatever, but I imagine they're in the same category as like dumbbells and like home workout gear where they just got all snapped up as soon as isolation

hit. Your odds of being able to find a dildo or a butt plug or anal beads at this point are pretty slim, I'd imagine. Well, I imagine some of the butt plug sales just went on people worried about toilet paper shortages. But yeah, my dad has been working on an autobiography for about 20 years now or something like that and uh and so i after we talked about it on the show a few weeks ago i um i made contact with him and and

asked him if you know he could send some chapters over some pages over for us to read through oh my god podcast so this has been a about a three week um uh back and forth that i've been having with him where i so i first of all messaged him and said we've talked about this on the show. Would you be able to send some stuff across? And the name of the book? Having Said That. Right. Having Said That by David Alsop.

So his reply to me was unfortunately although I had the book on a disc or a stick they seem to have disappeared. There is one chapter on this computer. It's not such a bad thing if I have to transcribe what I have. In the process, it will improve when I correct my clumsy syntax. So I write back and I go, cool, just whatever you can do, whenever you can get me something, that'd be great. Then a couple of days later, I get a response. I spent a good part of the day yesterday doing chapter eight, which is about my year in Honolulu.

I printed two and a half pages last night before saving it, but this morning I can't find it, so I'm going to do it again. So he's now just writing out chapters for the third time because he can't work out how to save anything on his computer or where the files go when he saves them. Oh, God, he's pegging himself. Or where the files go when he saves them. Oh, God, he's pegging himself.

And so then after a little while, I kind of prodded him and said, have you made any progress with the book? And he said, I've been busy doing my book. However, I've decided that it would improve matters if I had my own computer just for Word. No emails, Googles, or any of that stuff. That's called a typewriter. I'd like to imagine this is also the series of emails that were sent to George R.R. Martin's publishers about him completing the final Game of Thrones book.

Like, I've just got to get my own computer. I wrote chapter eight, but it didn't save, so I've got to write it again. No, it will get to that point on this podcast, Will, where I'll be emailing Dad and going, Dad, we've already read out the stuff that you've sent us. I need these new pages by tomorrow. Otherwise, we're just going to have to start making it up ourselves and just verge from the intended storyline that you had.

So, yeah, he said he wants his own computer with no email or Google or anything else because that's getting in the way of the art. And he then said, I recently found your old laptop, IBM, which is visibly in good condition. I've not yet found a power cord, so I haven't been able to charge the battery. Does this computer have word on it and would I be able to use it? Now, long-time listeners may have tweaked to something here this old laptop of mine that he found in the garage while he was cleaning up the garage as a bit of an isolation project this is a relic that i thought

was long gone this is the laptop that i wished for from the Make-A-Wish Foundation when I had childhood cancer all those years ago. Oh, my God. He's found it. Wow. And he's unearthed it. And he's going to use this to complete his memoir, his autobiography. Is this a bad metaphor for you because it proves that sometimes it comes back?

No, I think that this wish might finally have value value it might be just a long-term payoff yeah you've regretted this wish for so long you've thought it was a bad wish people like why didn't you go to disneyland but if it ends up being great content for your podcast and your dad writes his autobiography it just might have been you know it might have been a long-term wish yeah yeah yeah especially i'm now in like if i if i get down if i sign the laptop over to dad on the condition that i get some i get some of the royalties from the book yeah when this thing goes to print for the use of my laptop i mean yeah this this is a trust fund i love that you're already being some kind of horrible business cunt to your dad.

Shady. Just a shady character. Also, when your dad cracks this open and recharges it, what was your internet history like when you were 12 years old? How's that going to look? Oh, God. All my writings about how I want to fuck Will Anderson

are going to be on there. Okay, so what I do have, I haven't been able to get any actual chapters out of him, but what he did send me was a scan of the contents page of the book. Now, as we all know, when you're writing a book, before you've got any chapters done, you want to start with the contents page. You want to have that all ready to go, so people know what page to turn to that doesn't exist yet. Yeah, it's like when you're doing a comedy festival show. The most important thing to get right is your pre-show music.

Make sure you spend plenty of time getting your pre-show music. Chapter four, the pegging. Wait, that came in early? Given that I don't have any of the actual chapters from him yet and he's kind of having to write these all again from scratch, I thought what I could do is I'll go through the list of chapters that he has and I can then, based on what we think, I can request where he starts and what we think will be most interesting

to read out on the podcast. Does that sound good? Okay, great. Yes, absolutely. Here we go. Having said that, a memoir by David Alsop, and he spelt memoir wrong, so that's off to a flying start. How is it spelled?

Yeah, how is it spelled? M-E-M-O-I-R-E. Okay. Okay. Oh. Yep. Fancy. It's like when you put E on the end of shop.

It makes it more fancy. It's like a fancy memoir. Yeah, yeah. I think from what I've learned from Co-Simile, I think that's the female memoir. Right, right. Right. Yeah.

Okay, so chapters. Number one. Chapter number one, Melbourne Cup Day. Oh, all right. Chapter number two, Mrs. Vickers. Oh, wow. Chapter number three, Brighton Street. Chapter number four, mucking about with boats.

Hang on, is this your dad's autobiography or is this the new Paul Kelly album track list? Chapter five, boardinging School and Beyond. Oh, that's the sexy learn about your body chapter. Yeah, good call. How do you have boarding school that deep in and you have Melbourne Cup Day as chapter 1? That's when he's just a kid.

Yeah, well, he was born on Melbourne Cup Day, so I suspect that's why. I was going to say, is he pop fictioning this up or something? Is he going all over the shop with this book? What a great start. This is great. Because he's found a way to start with his births but throw people into the real...

Because people are not really interested in being born and stuff as a general principle, but he's put it in the context that it was Melbourne Cup Day. He's made it current. He's made it relevant relevant there'll be some analogy between the length of the birth and the length of the race or something like that there'll probably be some sort of you know you'll be like i was the jockey that day or whatever i love i'm here i gotta be honest with you we might be leaving this meeting with a pitch that's what i'm saying yep yeah, yeah. My mum was in the stirrups, et cetera.

Chapter six, Domain Road. Chapter seven, The Architect. Oh, yeah. Okay, here we go. Chapter eight, The Second Oldest Profession. Oh. Oh.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. So the first oldest profession is prostitution, right? Isn't it? That's what they say. Isn't it lawyer? Isn't it supposed to be lawyer? Oh, lawyers.

Okay, lawyer. Right, okay. Well, maybe we request this chapter and that's how we find out. That your dad was a prostitute? Chapter nine. He was a sex worker. The find out. That your dad was a prostitute. Chapter nine. He was a sex worker. The number two. His lawyers and then sex workers.

And I was a sex worker. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that. Much of it happened on Melbourne Cup Day. It was just a thing I had. I would pull your dick off during the race. That is my guarantee. Okay, what else?

Okay, here's another chapter title. Unwelcome Interlude. This could be anything. This is the chapter with Tommy Daslow in it. Absolutely. Great, that's what we want then. We we want the tommy daslow chapter okay yeah i think there's only yeah chapter 13 back to school which i know what that'll be about that'll be about me um having to prove to my dad that i'm not an idiot so that i can inherit the family fortune no that'd be about

your dad your dad having to pretend to be a high school student and go back to school, I imagine. That was the chapter when your dad was Rodney Dangerfield. Yeah, I get it. When you were sick with cancer and didn't go to school, your dad actually went to school in your place, so none of the kids noticed. Oh, yes. Great.

Great. And then the final chapter title, A Letter to My Son. Oh. Oh. I'm getting a big run in this book. I'm getting a lot of pages dedicated to me by the sounds of it. Yeah. Well, you know, about as many as architecture did.

And your dad's time is a sex worker. Yeah. Yeah, what if all the bits about you, Tommy, are just like a page long and it's just like 70 pages about prostitution in there? Right, yeah. That would be fucking great. And then the last one. The last chapter is just penciled in. It's like the death of Tommy.

That's why he keeps losing the chapters, because he's writing about sex workers that he's visited, and then he's coming as he's writing and just going into a fugue state and can't remember which drive he's saving the document onto. The only thing that can stop him masturbating is using his

kid's childhood cancer fucking computer. Yeah, it's the weight vest. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. Well, which one should I make a request for? What do you most want to hear about?

Put in a couple of requests, I reckon. Pick some of those fruity titles. The Letter to My Son's nice. Anything that vaguely looks like it's... The one about Hawaii. Anything about you. Okay, great. I want to hear his footloose and fancy free years in Hawaii.

I want to hear the boat one, but I'm assuming that's the Hawaii one, right? The boat one? Or do you think it's different? No, I imagine that's like a bunch of school stuff. He was probably in some boat club when he was at school or something like that. I love boat clubs. Took a guy out onto the open seas, killed him and took his identity. You know, classic schoolboy kind of shapes.

So your dad changed his last name as well? Nice. Runs in the family. I like it. Used to be David Ripley. Dear Tommy, have you seen Dead Calm? All right,

well, we better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Will Anderson, Dave Anthony, thank you so much for joining us.

Thanks for having me. Thank you for having me. You both have podcasts that people can find. Dave, you've got The Dollop. The Dollop and The West Wing Thing. West Wing Thing and The Dollop. You both have podcasts that people can find. Dave, you've got The Dollop. The Dollop and The West Wing Thing. West Wing Thing and The Dollop.

Those are my podcasts. Great. And I have Tofop, Fofop, Willosophy, and Two Guys, One Cup, an AFL podcast because, you know, the thing that I still have is imaginary radio, guys. And I'm sure they'll let me pay for my new house in imaginary radio dollars from my imaginary radio check that I get from my imaginary radio shows. Yeah, no, guys.

There's no way that I'm just the equivalent of a guy still dressing in his work clothes and putting his briefcase together and sitting on a park bench and pretending that everything is still normal. No, no, no. I'm just going to go and do another podcast. In fact, I might do Tommy and Carl's podcast after my podcast. Who else has got a podcast? Sam Peterson?

Sure, I'll come on your podcast. I'm still relevant to society. You can film a new series of Skippy on your iPhone. You can do that. You've got the location all set up. Do it. Go for it. We're in the best position you can be in.

We've been pretending this is real work for years, so we're just writing this thing out in style. You can't lose anything if you don't got it. Certainly the important lesson that I've learned from a man sitting on the floor of a squat that he is living in next to the beautiful brown sheets that he has on his bed, the most relaxing of all colours, brown sheets. They're meant to be brown. Yes, that doesn't make it better.

Why are you starting with brown? All right, guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates. And they've done it again. They have done it again. You're right, Tommy.

They have done it again. The boys in the little dum-dum club, not, you know. I'm man enough to sort of say the guys in that segment. Okay that segment, off the back of that, they've done a good job. I always do say they've done it again. And I just realized then, just before you gave that explanation, I actually don't know who the they in they've done it again actually refers to. So it's nice to finally get some clarity about that after all these years. Yeah, you've just been talking about people that you don't know, don't who they are don't know what they've done you've just been um parroting that phrase like it's a it's the cool thing to say at school yeah well you know what the them

doing it is so strong that i just i just kind of feel it as a as a general kind of aura without sort of um yeah without knowing who they are what they've've done, or even where they are. I can just tell deep down in my bones that someone out there somewhere has done it again. But the question on everyone's lips is, yeah, now that I know who they are, the next question is, have they kicked a big one, Bernie? Well, I don't know if they have kicked a big one. But Bernie, Bernie, the metaphorical sort of,

I would just say, emblem, icon of the show, he's definitely kicked a big one. Would you say Bernie is like, you know, bands have got like, was it, not Iron Maiden? Is it Iron Maiden? It has their like icon, I think. Like has like a mascot. That's what I'm looking for. Yeah.

Iron Maiden has a mascot, I believe. And his name's Eddie, I think. Yep, yep. So if they've got that, is Bernie our one now? Like the band Ween. Bernie probably is our one, yeah. The band Ween has the boognish, that little sort of icon thing. Yeah, so I guess Bernie is our Eddie, is our boognish. Yeah, well, we can't talk about famous mascots of bands

without talking about the Jamiroquai little bull man that's on all of the album covers. Is he got a name? Probably the one that's closest to my heart, but no, he doesn't. He's just the bull man is just what he's called. I always thought it was a moose or something. No, I think it's meant to be a drawing of um the lead singer like wearing a hat like wearing a big kind of like water buffalo hat almost like fred flintstone the water buffalo

but yeah bernie i would say bernie is our mascot well what does bernie look like maybe this could be a this could be a new thing for us to get onto we've got to design this we've got to um you know we've got to have this character out there. You know, Iron Maiden, like you said, Eddie's this cool kind of, what is he? He's like a zombie skeleton kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we've got to have our equivalent of what?

When you picture Bernie, what do you picture? Yeah, well, this is whatever it ends up being. Like this is the thing if we have like the dum-dum private jet that's what you see on the side instead of you know the rolling stones having the leap and the tongue we've got to have bernie bernie kicking a big one on the on the side of the jet so whatever whatever bernie is however bernie looks he's he's he's got a fair old boot on him put it that. He's got to have the capacity to kick quite a big one. So this little mascot that we have, no matter what

scenario he's drawn in, he's always got to have a ball coming off the boot. That's the signature part of the character. I reckon thinking even ahead, I reckon Bernie's got to be like a big boot. Because he's literally kicking a big one.

That lends itself a bit more visually. That's a nice little visual image, a little icon, a little logo that we could get going. Fuck, I'm going to try and say this word again from the other week. Anthropomorphised boot. Oh, nice. Yes, I'd like that. Yeah, nice. Yes, I'd like that. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I think that's cute. I think that's the sort of thing you can put on like a little kid's T-shirt. Yeah, that's – you want – daddy, I want the boot T-shirt. What about this? Are you thinking that it's just like just a boot with like a little face on it? Or I like the idea that it's a boot that then has arms and legs and then there's a boot on its legs so he's so the boot the foot of the boot is kicking not the actual boot itself but the boot's foot is the one kicking the football here we go i like that a lot

i like that a lot and then on good shit on extra good episodes bern Bernie kicks one with both of those feet then. Okay, right, right, right. With the main guts, the main boot guts, and then with the tiny little feet supporting down the bottom, they're also kicking like a little one. That's pretty cool. Oh, okay. They've both got – both feet have a ball coming off them,

and then his body has a bigger ball coming off. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Right. Yes, exactly. Also, I think this is great working all this stuff out for a potential t-shirt when we have an actual brand new t-shirt to plug right now.

Some really good priorities we're showing here on the show. But this is fine. We're plugging a t-shirt from this segment, from Talking Dum Dum. Right. But so Bernie the Boot, he from this segment, from Talking Dum-Dum. Right. So Bernie the Boot, he's the mascot of the Little Dum-Dum Club. He's nothing to do with what we're talking about now. Well, he's never mentioned in the main bit of the Little Dum-Dum Club. Good point.

I still think he's part of this segment. Yeah. So we're still – Where does he – We're putting the ball before the boot in this way, in his fashion, I think. Yeah, he's kind of – he's talked about on this show, but he's referring to stuff from the little dum-dum club. So he kind of exists in between those two worlds.

He's kind of lost in space and time. He's a gateway boot. So, look, let's think about that later. Let's plug what we should be plugging, which is we've got a brand new shirt and hoodie out that we've put on the socials last week. And we haven't done a brand new design for a little while. So, yeah, it's exciting.

Go to the website. Go to the socials. We've got a brand new T-shirt for this segment of the show, which is talking dum-dum um i think it looks really good it's got it's got talking talking dum-dum on it's got a little logo it's got a it's you know what i've i realized this this was the initial idea we didn't design this this is the first one we we haven't designed we got a a listener of the show to to design this a designer called chris costas So thank you very much for – oh, I mean it was a job,

so not thank you too much. It's not fucking charity. Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah, thank you for accepting our money for doing a job. Real good of you, mate. Real good of you. We owe you one.

But a good job. It's a good job. It's a good job done. we're very happy with it but um yeah it's funny because i think the original idea was you know we want to make a like a like a late night talk show logo um and then i think someone looked at it online was like oh that's cool it's like a sporting logo that looks really cool like a like exactly like an american sports logo and so i realized oh yeah it kind of does look like that. But I think it was because we're sort of using a similar font

to the Late Show with David Letterman, which was originally used in sports. So it's gone full circle from sports font to Late Night, back to sports again. But whatever the fuck it looks like, it looks good. Yeah, it looks good anyway. Yeah, it looks really, really good. So we've got shirts, we've got hoodies,

and you can get both of them in black and navy. So there's four different options there for you, colour-wise, warmth-wise. And yeah, we haven't done a hoodie for a very long time. We haven't done a new T-shirt design for a very, very long time. So these are flying off the shelves already. Yeah, yeah. So despite me not really realizing the difference,

there are two different colors available. So, yeah, get onto that. There are limited numbers of all of that sort of stuff, and it's getting into the window in the Southern Hemisphere at least. Well, it doesn't matter what it's doing in the Northern Hemisphere because I don't want to fucking post anything to there. So, yeah, just get onto it in Australia, please. If you really must order something from the Northern Hemisphere,

hit us up. But, I mean, I don't know about the fucking postal system everywhere else. It's just too much trouble. There's too many people from overseas going, oh, we didn't get it in the post. Well, it's not my fucking fault. I did my best. I put stamps on a fucking bag and I put it in a box. What more can I do?

Fuck it. It's hard. It's fucking hard. But, anyway, they look cool. Go and have a box. What more can I do? Fuck it. That's hard. It's fucking hard. But anyway, they look cool. Go and have a look. And of course, the design is like Talking Dumb Dumb and then it's got like, you know what I like, which I sort of didn't notice until just before, is that the little logo we've got,

we've got the Westgate Bridge as a little sort of icon there in front of the moon so it's like you know it's supposed to sort of be similar to like a late show logo where you've always got like a moon um to sort of signify that it's late night and and you know you might have some some sort of architecture for that city so we've got the we thought this would be good to have the west gate have some little silhouettes of things, sort of maybe people dropping off the Westgate. And then in front of that, like to symbolise, you know, that it's late night, that it's night time, we've got stars.

But the stars are like in front of the moon. So for some reason, these stars are in front of a moon. So that signifies that these stars are between us and the moon. There are stars between us and the moon. Now, stars, to my knowledge, are fucking suns. Yeah, they're suns. So I don't know geographically how that works. Well, my bigger question with it is,

what vantage point has this logo been taken from? Because you've got this silhouette of the Westgate Bridge with this gigantic moon right behind it. So what possible angle are you standing at to get this view where you're looking up at the Westgate Bridge with just the moon gigantic right behind it? The scale of this, the angle that it's being taken from, all of these things are extremely

confusing but hey you know what you can put this on and you can you can look at it in the mirror and you can ask yourself these questions every day you can try and solve this riddle about just how this image came into being where one would have to be standing to see the west gate bridge and the moon in this specific angle and and a few suns um in between us and the moon in this specific angle. And a few suns in between us and the moon, which signifies that there are different solar systems, I guess, between us and the moon, which is not really that far away. So, yeah, look, it asks a few astrological questions as well. It's quite a significant shirt.

Yeah, it's the thinking man's hoodie. And what is the man thinking? This doesn't make any fucking sense. What's going on with this T-shirt? The man's thinking this was a fucking waste of money. No, it's a good-looking shirt. It's a good-looking shirt. So they're flying off the shelves already.

If we'd had them on shelves, they'd be flying off, but they're not on shelves. But, you know, potential shelf clearers. If we ever get around to put them on a shelf, we'll be taking them back off again. There's no point. That's how fast they're selling. Get onto that. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.au?

I can never remember. Nope. Just.com. No. No.au? I can never remember. Nope. Just.com. No, no. Why limit ourselves to just Australia? Of course, as well, a little bit of news is, if you hadn't caught it, is that our big 500th episode, well, you've just heard the 501st episode,

and last week you heard the 499th episode, so I guess you're probably wondering, what happened to number 500? Well, that's to be recorded live at the Athenaeum Theatre on November 7th. It was going to be recorded live April 25th. Unfortunately, we had to wash our hair for the next six months. So our next possible free juncture to record something like that

is November 7th, Saturday night so uh if you've bought tickets to the show uh they are valid that you're seating if you got in early you got front row it's all valid all you the same seating number is all good for the for the november 7 show so don't worry there are tickets still available i believe they've opened up a few good seats as well. So get onto that quick. But, I mean, yeah, we've got six months. So you've got time. Got a while. Looking forward to it.

Any other news we've got to clear up? Oh, you know what? Now, this is something. Here we go. Finally, I've remembered this. Now, I talked weeks and weeks ago about having maybe a little segment of the show called Superfriend of the Show. Like a hall of fame. Oh, yeah.

For people that have done stuff for the Little Dungeon Club. And the first people, what do you call it, inducted into the halls. The first people, what do you call it, inducted into the halls, inducted to this salubrious hall of fame, where we had Pete Hellyer, who was very helpful with getting us on TV, and Russell Howe, who was very helpful with getting me tickets to Liverpool and all the content that created. And now, I didn't want to do everyone at once, but then I could have do everyone at once but then uh i could i could

have done everyone at once or i could have just remembered to keep talking about it in the weeks after that but of course i didn't remember to do that so now i'm remembering now to induct a new member into that and that is will anderson super friend of the show good thank fuck i remembered it just then given he was just on the show. But very, very, very overly helpful and very overly generous with his time with us over the years, as with everyone he is in comedy over the years. Very, very, I would say number one most helpful comedian going. Is that fair to say? Yeah, he almost should have been the number one inductee into the Super Friends of the Show Hall of Fame.

Certainly, very early on with this podcast too, very helpful, likes to give us a little plug every now and then. We often hear from people who got onto this show through him shouting us out on his own show. And, of course, he's a patron of this podcast. Ah, yes. Yes, of course. Now, of course, the Hall of Fame inductees aren't ranked or anything.

It doesn't matter what order they came in. That's just the context is why I brought up those other people first. But what is very funny about Will is, like I said, very generous with his time, very generous with promoting others. He's the model that you do uh i guess aim to be if you become a big comedian um the the nice thing to do is to to i don't know what the metaphor is you you sort of get to the top and you and you go back you go back and try and help someone else get to the top now plenty of comedians have got absolutely no fucking interest in doing that whatsoever and um i won't name them at the moment but you know we both know who they all are um will is not one of those people very

very generous with his uh with all of his energies and stuff like that but we had a very funny conversation with him in adelaide like um when we did the the live adelaide podcast um just gone uh we met up with will afterwards and we had a few drinks and we had a lot of fun, a lot of shit talking. And at some stage, you and I were sort of talking to him about how generous he is with his time, how generous he is with his recommendations, his shout-outs. And we're sort of saying to him,

you know, Will, you're very generous and everything and you give us a lot of love and it's very much appreciated, but you just got to figure out how to use your time and your power properly because you're giving a lot of shout outs and you're giving a lot of retweets to all these fucking idiots in comedy who are no good, unlike us. You know, it's all right to do it for us, but everyone else, you're giving all this love to these fucking idiots. You know, you give too much love to all these fucking idiots

that are not very good at comedy. And he's just sort of looking at me going, okay. And then we sort of walk away and I go, oh, I've just realised, we're those people. Like, I didn't realise. We're the same as these other fucking idiots. He's being just as generous to us as he is to everyone else because we're all in the same fucking boat. And'm trying to tell him don't don't do that yeah

yeah yeah he's not looking at it as like well he's a legitimate one for my friends a little dumb dumb club and he's a gimme to this yeah yeah he's in his head where where the site that's us like those other ones that we see where we're like why is he he retweeting this? That's us. Yeah, yeah. We're having this big spiel at him and he's going, he's sitting there not saying anything because he's thinking, do they not know? Do they not realize? You're worse than the other people. He got me a beauty after that, like two weeks after that. Friend of the show from last episode guy

montgomery has been doing uh like a kind of long-running bit on twitter where he's kind of constantly just going uh just just let it be known for the record that i am against the coronavirus i actually think it's quite bad and then you know it's like an ongoing thing of people replying to him going like oh well that's not what you said in this text message and you know doctoring him going i think the coronavirus is good, and that kind of thing. Will plugged something that Guy had done, and then I replied going, pretty brave of you to do this, Will, given Guy's pretty controversial stance regarding the coronavirus. And Will replied to the tweet going, I already know what you think of my retweets, Tommy.

And I felt very ashamed. Felt like I'd been called into the comedy headmaster's office. Oh, no. In front of the class as well. But thank you very much, Will, for your tireless charity work towards us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. much appreciated um thank you well welcome into the to the hall um yeah i think that's that's pretty much the little bits of business that we uh that we needed to take care

of this week and in the general wrap up of talking dumb dumb but um yeah so i guess part of that obviously is um that uh thank you to all the patreon subscribers that we've been given a lot of bonus material to lately especially in these challenging times as it were uh been pumping out two bonus little mini episodes a week to uh people that are on a certain tier on Patreon. If you go to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, that's how we basically earn a keep doing this podcast and especially in these troubled times. So part of that, of course, is you can get bonus episodes depending on what tier you're on.

You can go to the website and find out exactly what you get for what sort of money. Above all, you get to do the right thing by us, which is much appreciated. And, of course, you go into the draw. You go into the lucky dip, as it were, to get your name read out, to get your time on earth immortalized on this little show of ours, which is the greatest gift of all. So every week, if you're a first-time listener to this,

every week we open up the UTA, the unplanned title, alternator to keep it very fair. We pump all the names in of people that contribute towards the show. And this marvellous piece of technology spits them out at random. We do as many as we can fit in. You know, sometimes the show really blows out. Sometimes, you know, we do, you know, one name, if that. If that.

Yeah, sometimes we're out of here pretty quickly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, sometimes it's like a fucking phone book in here, though, isn't it? Really. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's what we're going to do this week. Let's see how we go. Let's read out some...

I imagine there's a lot of people very excitedly hoping their names come out. Maybe they've been doing it tough in isolation and they really need this. This would be the highlight of their week. We say that often about people hearing their name on this, but it's even truer now. These Patreon names that we read out at the moment, they really feel like they've got even more significance than they had in the past.

Yeah, there's a lot more power in that. Even, you know, there are some people out there, you know, with their fingers crossed listening to this segment now and going, you know what, this is it this week. I can't do it anymore unless my name gets read out this week. I'm going to full-on neck myself. So, you know, there's a lot of power here there's a lot of um you know people some people are doing it tough and some people are about to not be doing it at all once

they they you know end their life given that you're acknowledging that we have that kind of responsibility it seems like the then the burden falls on us to read out in this sitting every single name that is currently subscribed on Patreon. For there to be a potential that if someone doesn't hear their name, they might kill themselves. For us to just do a small number and then get out of here seems reckless at best. Well, look, there's some pressure on those people as well. I mean, if we read their name out now and they kill themselves, that's a real waste. So I'm going to need the people that we read out today to promise

to not kill themselves for another week. So, you know, there's pressure on both sides. Not ever. Just one week. At the very least. At the very least. Bare minimum. Bare minimum one week.

Bare minimum. I need all of you to check in at the end of the week and just let us know because otherwise, you know, we look a bit silly. And that's no good for us. You know, that's the main thing here. We want to keep our face in this thing. We don't look stupid. Wednesday the 13th of May, you've got to send us a message

and let us know that you lasted for a whole week. Otherwise, we are going to be fucking livid. Yeah, do one of those pictures of yourself with the newspaper of the day just so we know you're absolutely alive, you haven't done anything stupid to yourself until at least that day. Until at least the 14th, yeah. Yeah, yeah, until at least that. And look, very lastly, before we crack in with the first name,

I just want to put in a big apology to someone that we read out last week. We were very negligent in our duties in comedy in general. You know, I haven't felt this ashamed in this segment since, I don't know, day dot. I think it's just absolute amateur hour in here. But anyway, okay, we've done the wrong thing. This is the official apology. We had a subscriber last name whose name was Ann Chu that we debated where she came from originally,

where the name Chu comes from originally. All the time ignoring the fact that we had a subscriber with the initial, the first initial and then the last name, A. Chu, and we didn't mention it. We didn't figure that little comedy puzzle out, that we had someone called A. Chu and didn't riff off the back of it at all. And then people had to hit us up on Facebook and go, do you cunts know what funny is or what?

And we had to say no, no, we don't. I got to be honest. I can't say I feel too bad about having missed that one. Well, then you look even sillier than you did before because ignoring A. Chu as a name is, I mean, well, look, I would be fucking happy to find something that good in this segment right now. I'd be surprised if we find something as good as A2. The pressure really is on. Yeah, the pressure really is on for this week.

If you don't think it's that good, you tell me a bit that we do in the next, you know, 20, 30 minutes that's as good as A2. Okay. You submit an entry. All right, here we go. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, first cab off the rank. Thank you to Emma Croft. Okay.

So now if we think about why we missed out on A2 last week, it's because we don't really tend to break the name down into that format. So maybe a good starting point is that we need to – okay. So E-Croft. E-Croft. E. Croft. E. Croft. Nothing there. I don't think there's anything there.

I think this one's clean. This one's clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we've done the due diligence on this one. Okay. Well, now we need to circle it in a different way. Yeah. Emma Croft.

Now, Croft, pretty fancy sort of surname, I would have thought. Emma Croft. Now, Croft, pretty fancy sort of surname, I would have thought. We, as a child, as a child in grade two, we had a thing. We had a very stupid child thing where we, there was a girl in our class that someone, and I swear I didn't make this up. I know it sounds like me, but it's not me. It's someone else.

There was a girl in your class where, you know, I think someone was picking on her or something and went, oh, okay, you basically, I think the concept was you have a disease that she gives off, right? So this girl that we don't like, you're sort of her you've got her germs on you because you have this thing called emmermite now this is this is a grade two idea emmermite which was like vegemite but emmermite so the idea was that you could have a disease called emmermite now i don't know why vegemite got sort of rubbed into this concept but it was like in grade two it's like yeah of course that makes sense you know you've got

emma might this thing that sounds like vegemite but this time it's a disease but you know coming back on it you know i'm furious about my family's legacy being used for such common schoolyard bullying yeah it's like yeah exactly yeah with your what what what's the story with yours your your your great-great-grandfather invented vegemite or whatever it is yeah yeah is that what it is great-great-grandfather great well you say you did yeah he owned the company that made it yeah yeah right right but there's some sort of argument happening there isn't it because he didn't really like you there's something like you say he did but no one else says that he did like you're lying or something aren't you isn't that the story or something like that no i think that's no i think he he invented it i think

he definitely invented it but isn't there someone else that says that that they invented it no it was him and a scientist he employed the scientist he the idea. And so it was like him and the scientist together, like working on it. So the scientist like hands on, but he was employed by my great grandfather. It was my great grandfather's company that made Vegemite. Fuck, isn't that a slight indictment on a food if it's invented by a scientist instead of like a chef? Isn't that a bit weird? Oh, big time. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not, like if someone came up with like scones and it was like a scientist, you'd be like, that's, I don't know if I want to eat a scone. If that's been, you know, near a beaker or a Bunsen burner or something, I don't know if that's a great thing for food, surely. Yeah. I mean, if I went around to someone's house for dinner

and they were like, oh, I've been cooking all day, I think you're really going to like what I've made. And then I'd look over and there's just a whole bunch of lab equipment out. I'd be like, ah, yeah, let's just get Uber Eats. I'm not keen on this. Yeah, come and feast on this bat anus, Tommy. What do you think? I've been cooking it up in a lab all day.

But that's what made me think of – Emma is tied to the concept of Emma-mite, this weird version of bullying in grade two, which never quite made sense to me. But I didn't mind the creativity at the time, but 36 to seven years later, I'm starting to pick holes in the whole concept, I think. The logic is very flawed, yeah.

Yeah, if I had my time again, I'd either correct them or I'd encourage them to abandon the whole thing because even in grade two, you're starting to look silly with a concept like that. So just so I'm clear, so the hypothesis was that this young woman has invented a dish that she's named after herself and it's, and it kind of references

the name Vegemite and then you eat this dish and then you catch this disease? I think it was more, I mean, look, I don't think she invented the concept because I don't know why you would invent an idea to bully yourself. I think that the idea was more that maybe. No, no, but I'm saying this idea of bullying, where does emmimite come from? Was the hypothesis of this bullying that she has made this dish? No, no, no. I believe it's probably one of those things where it's, in terms of a disease, it is like airborne maybe. It's transmitted by touch. If you happen to touch this person, oh, yuck. Like a strain of girl germs, as it were, but a very heightened strain of girl germs.

of girl germs um same sort of antidote though to girl germs so it was a it's a you know as in the flu and the covid19 much you know harsher strain of a flu or a virus that's what this was a much elevated sort of a virus in that it could also you know luckily enough there was an antidote at the time there was um of course getting your making your fingers into a needle and then injecting your own arm and saying needle. So luckily there was a cure at the time. Yeah. Fuck, has anyone tried that with COVID? Yeah. Maybe we've just invented the vaccine live on this podcast.

I don't know. Was COVID-19 invented in Wuhan to bully schoolchildren or to bully factory workers or something? I don't know. Was COVID-19 invented in Wuhan to bully schoolchildren or to bully factory workers or something? I don't know. If that's what it was, then maybe we do have a cure. But if it's a real disease... Maybe we've got a shot. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. If we can find out... Can we find out who COVID was? Was there a person in the factory called COVID or in the wet market called COVID that this is all you know bullying to some degree that would be awesome if that's what we found out that someone someone's name was zoo covered that like worked at the wet wet market and this was just hanging shit on this person and it just got way out of control and it's fucked up the whole world it's gotten way out of hand and that yeah there's a couple of school kids

that are now just very sheepishly like, whoops, we're going to get in a lot of trouble for this. Yeah, it's like someone in the last week or two has been pulled into the headmaster's office to go, yeah, look, this has got a bit out of control, isn't it? I mean, I know we punished you at the time because it was just plain bullying, but now it's completely fucked the whole world. So we're going to have to give you a couple more weeks of detention, to be honest.

I mean, to be fair, the whole world is in detention at the moment. But once the world goes back, you're going to have to stay in detention even longer than that, all right? Extra detention. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. What the fuck's happened here? Well, thanks, Emma. Thanks, Emma.

Sorry if that brings back any painful memories of any childhood bullying that you may have received. Oh, yeah. This could be the girl that's just got a – you know, this is her married name now because it wasn't Croft at the time. If it was a different name, this could be the same person. Okay. Wow.

Sorry, Emma, if you've paid all this money and then just been reminded of a childhood bullying. Traumatic. Sorry about that. Thanks, Emma. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Andrew Johnson. Do you want to try your trick again? A. Johnson.

This one's pretty good. There's something in that. I got to tell you, I love the sound of A. Johnson more than I like the sound of A. Chew. Yeah, you like the idea of A. Johnson filling up our coffers, so to speak? Yeah, love just taking a big old drink from the generosity of A. Johnson. Yeah, it's certainly – I mean, personally, I've spent the money tonight that's been given to us from him. So, you know, A. Johnson has really filled my stomach up tonight, that's for sure.

Okay, okay. Yeah, A. Johnson has really filled my stomach up tonight, that's for sure. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. I like to suck dick. Okay, right. It's one of these riddles, I get it. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, that's probably gotten a little bit highfalutin with that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, we'll bring that back to the comedy lab and examine it later. Andy. And Will, if you're listening, which I know you are, I really can't wait for you to chuck this episode a retweet. This is good shit that we're doing in here, brother. Appreciate the support. Archoo. Ah, Chu.

See, that's why he's giving us love. Or the disadvantaged people that can't even figure out that A. Chu is funny. That's why he's fucking... That's why he's giving us a few morsels from the ivory tower right there. Andy Johnson. Andy Johnson. A. Johnson. Have you copped a lot of that over your life, A. Johnson? I don't know.

I mean, we've talked about Johnson lately on the show, haven't we? It's not really a well-known Australian slang, is it? It's not commonly used in Australia, I believe. Happy to bring it back. More than happy. Yeah, I think it's not so much Australian and also like generationally. It's hard to imagine a young kid anywhere in the world still frothing on the idea of referring to it as a Johnson as a funny thing. It just seems like a real bygone era slang for the male genitalia. What about this?

male genitalia if what about this if you question for you can when you dirty talk when someone's dirty talks can they can they refer to their male member as anything else but dick or cock because i feel like that's probably the only thing you can do if you use any other word for it than that i think that that's yeah it doesn't count as dirty talk like it all of a sudden it jolts you and you go what the what is that a joke what the fuck's going on here are they the only acceptable words not so much that it wouldn't yeah i it is hard to imagine someone being like oh yeah um you you like feeling my member, don't you? It's hard to imagine being able to say something like that and sex still continuing and your partner being like, yeah, that's good.

That's, oh, I love feeling your tockley inside me. Yeah, exactly. It's really hard to imagine that getting past the keeper. Even, you know, oh, my prick is so hard. You go, what? Prick, yeah. Did you say prick? Is that what you said?

Like, I don't know. I think there's only two acceptable words for it in the height of passion or on text, in the throes of dirty talk. I don't know. Feel free to let us know if there's another acceptable word, but I don't know. Feel free to let us know if there's another acceptable word, but I don't believe so. I would go so far as to say that even Dick is pushing it. I think even Dick, in these modern times,

Dick is verging on being a little bit too clinical. I would say that cock is really the only acceptable one. Wow. God, I hope everyone else can hear this. Just this brilliant one side of a conversation. Yeah. Well, yeah, I don't know. I think I'd allow Dick, but I understand what you mean.

It does seem a little bit, not weird, but yeah, a little bit outdated maybe. You know, cock's a very solid word, so I can see how that definitely works all the time. But dick does sound a little bit schoolyard, a little bit MMI. A bit schoolyard, yeah. But I mean, you know, every generation gets a little bit more extreme and kind of pushes the boundaries. It's easy to imagine a point in time where in the future, you know,

there's kids hearing this conversation and being like cock okay grandpa yeah you know what i mean like even even that being too clinical and a term that we that hasn't even been invented yet is now the ova um way of referring to male genitalia in dirty talk yeah yeah um all right thanks thanks, Andrew. Thanks, Andrew. Thanks, Jono. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Sam Harris. S Harris. Sharis.

This one's clean as well. Sharis. Sharis. Sam Harris, you know what? I could go with Sam Harris right now. That could be like one of those manly cocktails. Oh, yeah, okay. Okay, what do you think's in it?

Like, you know, what are they called? John Collins or something like that? You know, something? Tom Collins, isn't it? Tom Collins. Tom Collins, that's it. That's it. I reckon I could go with Sam Harris. It'd be some sort of...

I'm no good at looking at ingredients in cocktails. I'm looking at what's in a Tom Collins. Okay. Cocktail made from gin, lemon juice, sugar, and carbonated water. Yeah. That's sort of what I was imagining a Sam Harris to be. I would say there'd be a bit of vermouth in a Sam Harris. What is vermouth?

I don't know if I've ever had vermouth. I don't know what it is either. I know it sounds like it's in a cocktail, that's for sure. But no. I know terms, you know, someone gave me gin and someone gave me vodka. I wouldn't really know the difference. Like, I'm not too fussy with that sort of stuff. But I'm happy to drink it, but I don't really know what any of it is.

Okay, well, they're two separate things saying I wouldn't know the difference and I'm not too fussy. Yeah. Like, you could gladly accept it and not care one way or the other. But to say, but then saying that is the same as going, I literally don't know which one I'm tasting at the moment. Would you honestly not know the difference between a gin and a vodka? No, I don't think so. I think if I sat it there and had to concentrate,

I'd be like, oh, okay, I guess I could figure it out. But yeah, I don't really know. I don't really care. If you had to do a blind taste test, you wouldn't be able to identify just three different glasses that each have a spirit in them. You wouldn't be able to identify which is which? Oh, look, any spirit.

I guess I'm more saying gin and vodka. I think I would. Okay. I know the difference between scotch and vodka or whatever. But, yeah, in terms of vermouth and gin and vodka those sort of things like yeah i don't i don't really know i don't not one of these people that would ever sit there and have you know uh you know like some people with scotch and bourbon and they're like oh you don't want any coke in there to fuck it up or whatever i would never do that with any yeah anything yeah

i never have like vodka on its own or scotch on its own or whatever it is it's fucking you know same with wine for me i wish i had the taste for it but i don't so i'm not gonna do it i'm gonna mix it with something you're gonna mix wine with something well yeah wine and coke yeah one wine and coke please yeah well that is incredible i wonder what a bar would do if you asked for that like if they would just be like okay not coke maybe if you went in there and went I'll have a Chardonnay and

soda and just get soda water poured into the wine that would be good that's a possibility isn't it oh I've got to drive I don't want it too strong I just want it slightly watered down please I don't want this to go to my head so a Sam Harris what do you think would be in a Sam Harris Strong. I just want it slightly watered down, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want this to go to my head. Yeah. Yeah.

So a Sam Harris. Yeah, what do you think would be in a Sam Harris? Vermouth, despite not knowing what vermouth is, let's get some vermouth in there. Yeah. I want an olive in there just because I've never had a drink with an olive in there in a toothpick. Although I have some of that in there. Yeah. Some sort of sugar. Some sort of um you know plenty

of ice some sort of sugar sort of thing in it um yep what about what else can you put in a cocktail um well have we got any kind of do you know do you have carbonated water do you have you know you need some kind of mixer in there? A tonic, yeah. Can you put a tonic in there? Just because I don't, I've never really known the difference between a tonic and a soda water. Like I know what soda water is, but tonic, tonic doesn't tonic mean sort of like the answer to something, doesn't it? Sort of?

Like an antidote or something, maybe? I don't know. And again. So it's the answer to the question, what should I don't know. And again, it's like vermouth. So it's the answer to the question, what should we put in this cocktail? Yes, yes. I think in a Sam Harris, I primarily want ingredients that I don't know what they are.

So tonic and vermouth are definitely in there. That's for sure. Maybe one more thing that I don't know what goes in there. Okay. That's for sure. Maybe one more thing that I don't know what goes in there. What's another vital ingredient of cocktails? This is a fun game. What's an ingredient that Carl doesn't know what it is? Everyone can play this one. Yeah, I'll just ask Siri.

Siri should know the answer to that one. one yeah i'll just ask siri siri should know the answer to that one uh what uh um let's see uh cognac i truly am sitting here trying to think what's oh another you're getting another spirit in the mix okay is that another spirit yeah okay see i didn't even know it was a spirit so that that's that should definitely be in there because i didn't even know what it was. Okay, cognac, vermouth and tonic. And tonic. The Sam Harris. Yeah, the Sam Harris.

Is that it? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I think that's it. That's it? Any mixologists out there, feel free to... Feel free to... Oh yeah, so cognac's a type of brandy.

So you've got brandy, vermouth... Is that bad? Is that the worst drink of all time? I think this... I've got a feeling this might taste like absolute shit. Yeah, damn. Yeah, vermouth is fortified wine. Oh, maybe.

It could be all right, maybe. I don't know. I'm not a big cocktail person. I'm not like a big spirits person either, so I don't really know. Cocktail should be what I – I don't think I talked about it enough, but when we did discuss about why I love Thailand so much, that is part of it in that, you know, part of me is there going, I don't think I talked about it enough, but when we did discuss about why I love Thailand so much, that is part of it in that, you know, part of me is there going,

okay, you get cheap beers. Yep, that's cool. But another part of it is I would never drink a cocktail in Australia, but I drink plenty of them in Thailand because they're, you know, cocktails are $23 here, $20, something like that. And then over there, they're, you know, $4, $3, $4. So I just go, I am making money by drinking, you know, whatever the fuck is in these cocktails. And, you know, by me saying, I don't know what, you know, vermouth is and stuff like that. Well, over there, it's not even, you know, I could say, I don't know what's vermouth.

Well, you don't have to worry because it's not fucking vermouth that they're putting in there. It's fucking petrol or something. I don't know what's vermouth. Well, you don't have to worry because it's not fucking vermouth that they're putting in there. It's fucking petrol or something. I don't know what it is. Yeah. Because there's no way you can just change something from being $23 to being $3 without switching some ingredients, I assume. But having said that, the price is right, so I'm happy to drink it. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah. So I'm a big fan of having them over there. Is there a cocktail you drink? If you get given the choice, is there something you'll imbibe? Yeah. What do I have over there? I have the milky one. Is it a Mai Tai?

Again, once I'm out of that environment, it just leaves my head. It's not something I have anything toward. Although I was drinking margaritas on Friday night, and that was delicious. It went down a real treat. I think I'm sort of open to choosing different ones over there, but I think ones I go back to are mojitos and Long Island iced teas. Oh, yeah, that's classic.

Something else. They look pretty cool. They look good. I know the milky one you were talking about because I think I started having them when you were having them, but yeah, you were having them for too long. I think you did four nights of them or something, and it's like,

I don't think you should be drinking milky alcohol every night. It's going to catch up with you. it's yeah it's it's it's going to catch up with you but more than happy

more than happy to have four nights of Sam Harris's even though I have no idea what it's going to do to me thanks Sam let us know

let us know in the in the on the Facebook page if you have a crack at the Sam Harris during the week or or suggest

love to hear how this pans out suggest reply if one of those things is no good to put in there, suggest other ingredients. And if I know what they are, then they're banned. If you're happy to suggest something I don't know what it is, then let's whack it in there. Yeah.

Thanks, Sammy. Thanks, Sammy. Patreon subscriber Nathan Grubb. Wow. N Grubb. Wow. N Grubb. Yeah. I love this. Yeah.

This is one of the best surnames I've ever heard. Yep. Two Bs. I mean, yeah, two Bs at the end. Yep, yep. I assumed that for some weird reason, and that just makes me love it even more yeah it's it's yeah look and then on on top of that you got you got nathan which i don't know nathan is like the grub of certain of first names i think a little bit yeah do you so are you are you pro nathan or or anti it i'm i'm

i'm well i'm not anti it but it just makes me think of various nathans that i've known and you know look you know that thing where where you know the idea of like naming a baby and you go oh let's call it chris oh no um chris stuck a pine cone up his own ass at primary school, so you can't call it Chris. That's what that means. You know, that sort of thing. Well, that's for Nathan. That's me.

There was a kid at school who was this fucking crazy kid, and the story was, and I'm sure physically this can't happen, but we can talk through it. But the story was that these other guys made him fuck a tree. Okay, yeah. I believe we've talked about this before on the show. I believe this has come up. Yeah, I bet it was.

So to me, Nathan will be forever tied to the other name, Tree Fucker. So, yeah, that's why I sort of associate grub with Nathan already because that is pretty grubby to, you know, to fuck a tree when a tree is not. To fuck a tree. Really set up to sort of give consent or anything like that. Well, it could have been a thing where he wants to use, in his dirty talk, he wants to use terms that aren't cock. And any time he tries this on a human partner,

they mock him, they laugh at him. Whereas a tree, he's free to just be right in there and just saying like, yeah, you like having my little willy and you don't, you dirty old oak having my little willy in you, don't you? Yeah. You dirty old oak. And the tree can't say anything. Yeah.

Right. You know, look, as long as you've counted the rings and made sure that that tree is of age, I'm going to say that it's okay. But you've got to get in there and do your homework. You've got to chop off a little bit, make sure that, okay, 17, 18. Yes! She's legal, boys! Nice. Nice.

And it's, you know, it's that sort of thing where it's a big tree and you go, and they go, you know that tree's only 16 years old? Man, look at it. Look at the size of it. How's Ida know? It's like, well, you know, you've got to ask for ID. You've got to ask for those rings. That's the trick.

The idea of the police coming along and going, hey, you get your dick out of that underage tree right now. Yeah, yeah. And you're being like, no, I counted the rings and it added a couple of extra. It lied to me. It told me it was 18. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can do a lot with makeup. You can add extra rings. Yeah. It added rings. Yeah. It added rings. Yeah. And the cop going, you come back in two years and fuck that tree, all right? At the moment, go the fuck home. Grow up.

Yeah. A jailbait tree. Yeah. It's brutal. Yeah. I mean, the other thing I did like at the time and i don't know whether we talked about this last time we talked about it but it's the idea of you know look clearly there's plenty of holes in this story i would have thought someone fucking a tree

there's one big one yeah hopefully someone being made to fuck a tree is the idea that if you make someone fuck a tree that's what that's that that's if you're making someone do something that means it implies that you they're doing it against their will how do you make someone get an erection against their will does that mean that these these bullies that are trying to make some guy fuck a tree are what like sucking the guy off first going haha you're gonna you're gonna fuck this tree well i don't have an erect penis well we'll take care of that and then these guys just start sucking off this man to the verge of erection. And then go, ha, ha, we got you now.

Your dick's hard now. And then they shove it in a tree and go, you, you idiot. Look at you. Why do they have to suck him off to get him hard? Why can't they just show him porn or something? Why is that the first place your head went is they're taking this man's soft, soft penis and putting it in their mouth. I don't think anyone has ever thought of that as the easiest way

to get someone hard is to start sucking on their flaccid penis. That's what happens on porn sets. Of course it is. You can't just – unbelievably, I make more sense than you in this story because you can't just like if there's six guys that are going in front of this one guy and go we're gonna make you fuck a tree well no i'm not and then they just like pull out a porno and open the centerfold and go too bad now and this guy's dick instantly just reacts to this centerfold and goes oh damn they got me they got me here and

yeah yeah they hold his eyes open, clockwork orange style, and just force him to look at the porno that they're holding up in front of him. And then he's like kind of willing, and he's like, no, no. And then you see like his pants just gradually, this like little mound growing in there. No. And then they, and then they deck him, and they just shove him into the tree, and his dick goes in there.

See, that's just a fantastical story, Tommy, and it makes way more sense for my idea to have six men suck off some guy and then make him fuck a tree. I'm just talking sense. And then to have sucked him off to the point of him being hard and to then have the gall to be laughing at him going,

ha-ha, you fucked a tree. Yeah. Exactly. That's what I hope happened in that story, to go, did you hear them going around telling other bullies in other towns, oh, man, we had this one guy, we call him Tree Fucker, what happened there? He fucked a tree. Really? He just saw a tree, got a heart had this one guy. We call him tree fucker. What happened there? He fucked a tree. Really?

He just saw a tree, got a heart on it? Nah. Fuck, couldn't even get a heart on when he looked at a tree. We had to suck him off first. Can you believe this? Yep. What? What?

Because I've got a new nickname for you, dude. Yeah. Thanks, Nathan. That's very grubby behaviour thanks Nathan yeah yeah exactly

alright well I'll tell you what we're onto our last one I think this week I can it's time for dinner I'm looking at the clock we've got to go

these are all the people we could save this week so so far Emma Croft Andrew Johnson Sam Harris

Nathan Grubb we need you to promise uh to pinky swear to whatever you you need to do promise to not kill yourself this week for for the duration of the week please check in next wednesday let us prove to prove to us that um you you you're still around alive you haven't. And look, if you're not alive, at the very least make sure that it's not at your own hand, okay? Make sure that that's completely against your will and we need some sort of...

Yeah, we need some sort of proof from the family that shows, you know, we're like an insurance company all of a sudden. We need proof that, you know, it's outside forces that's made this happen. Please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to need to see the police report to really be able to sign the documents. We may need to do our own autopsy, to be completely honest.

Yeah. So, look, honestly, we hope it doesn't come to this. Hopefully you just, you know. We're probably going to need the... Yeah, we're going to need the body and we'll conduct our own autopsy by sucking off the corpse until it gets hard. And then and only then will we be able to verify that this has in fact been a suicide. Yeah, we need to create our own rigor mortis ourselves. All right, well, let's just do one more this week.

Okay, yeah, I guess we've got it in us to look, you're right. Saving five lives does sound better than saving four lives. Yeah, exactly. You're absolutely right. Alright. Okay.

For the fifth and final time this week thank you to Patreon subscriber oh okay what oh no no no just

what are the odds that you know it just reminds me of one of the other people that we've already read out you know similar sort of just similar idea coming out of it. I'm just having the same riff popping up before my eyes.

I might be repeating myself. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just having the same thoughts after this now. You know, we had Sam Harris. Had Sam Harris before. Yep.

We talked about a bit of stuff off the top. Anyway. Okay. All right. Anyway, here we go. I can't remember exactly what we said. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Shirley Temple Comedy. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Right. Because we were saying about Sam Harris being a cocktail idea. Yeah, it sounds a bit like a cocktail like Sam Harris. Sounds a bit like a cocktail. And when I heard that name, that name I just read out, I thought, yeah, comedy. That would be a good name for a cocktail. That's a funny name for a cocktail.

That would be a good name for a cocktail. Yeah, a comedy. Also, Shirley Temple. I'm just looking up what's in a Shirley Temple. Oh, is there one called a Shirley Temple as well? Yeah, yeah. Oh, now I'm just getting the actual person. Right.

This is a fucking nightmare. I just thought comedy was a good name for it, but okay, I'm learning. I'm learning. Shirley Temple. Well, I guess the point I'm getting at is that you would have a Shirley Temple comedy, you would have the ingredients of a Shirley Temple, and then to have the comedy element in there, it would be served in a jar that then when you open the lid,

a bunch of like spring-loaded snakes pop out. Something a bit silly in the mix, you know, to kind of differentiate it. Right. So the ingredients of a Shirley Temple are... How do you make a Shirley Temple? Ice, one ounce of vodka, and then some lemon-lined soda or ginger ale, and then grenadine. Yeah, okay.

And cherry. Cherries and maybe a cute umbrella. Maybe the comedy comes into the umbrella bit. Maybe the umbrella, you put the umbrella in and it just springs out and hits you in the face or something cool like that. Yeah, that sounds good to me. Is that truly comedy? I don't know. I don't know if that's comedy.

I don't know. What a great question. A great question that we have to ask ourselves on this program every week. I don't know. Does the whole drink smell like a fart? What's the comedy? We need comedy in Shirley Temple. We need the Shirley Temple comedy aspect.

Maybe it could be like instead of a little umbrella, it's got like in the Christmas Cracker how you have the little jokes in there. So it's like it's the little umbrella, it's got like a, you know, in the Christmas cracker, how you have the little jokes in there. So it's like it's the little stick, but instead of the umbrella, it's just got a little bonbon joke wrapped around it. What about instead of an umbrella, it's a tiny little whoopee cushion. So in case you ever sit on a drink, on a cocktail, in case you ever sit down on a cocktail, it sounds like you farted. Like you'd be in some fancy bar and it'd be like, oh, wow, you just let rip. Oh, no, I just did that common thing of sitting on a cocktail. Or it could be, or what if it's instead of being served on a coaster,

it's served on a tiny whoopee cushion. So the drink is farting as it's lowered down in front of you. The drink farts. There we go. There we go. That's what we want. There we go. The Shirley Temple comedy served on a tiny whoopee cushion coaster.

Which guarantees it to spill immediately, which I like. That's even funnier. Exactly. That's funny as well. Yeah, funny stuff. All right. Well, thanks, Shirley Temple, and thanks, everyone, for supporting the show on Patreon.

Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Sign up, get a couple of bonus episodes every week and support the show. Very much appreciated by all of us, both of us here on the program, I should say. And LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the new merch, the hoodies and T-shirts. Grab one of them because they're selling very quickly already.

November the 7th for the 500th episode live at the Athenaeum. That's just about it, isn't it? That's it. Thanks everyone for listening.

If you're new, go into the archives. There's 500, even though this is episode number 501, there is 500 episodes to go through. So crack back into it.

Have a search and see the big name guests and comedians you like. Maybe start at those guys. And for people that have been listening for a while, maybe shoot over some suggestions to mates of yours that you think might like it. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.