The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 502 - Scott Dooley & Cameron James

Episode Date: May 13, 2020

We've organised the most complicated and nonsensical recording set-up possible to welcome in SCOTT DOOLEY and CAMERON JAMES! Dools evades some of our early questions before we hear some insane stories about Milan and follow up on last week's Horny IMDB List. There's lots of great stuff going on, but can we make it another Dooley Classic Episode? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Scott Dooley and Cameron James. This is a really fun one. We have a live date coming up. We have a Patreon that you can get onto and support the show and get a bunch of extra content. Can't you, Carl? That's it. And we've got brand new merch as well. You'll hear about it at the end of the show as well. So stick around for Talking Dumb Dumb. It happens after this exciting episode where we follow up the big saga of the horny IMDB list that we talked about with Will Anderson last week.

Yes, the thrilling end to the cliffhanger. So enjoy this new episode, Scott Dooley and Cameron James. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead.

Yeah, good to be back. Good to be back on the airwaves, recording remotely, definitely in different locations, all of us. I'm in a room by myself. I'm in an isolation cube just near Tommy Daslow's house. And it's really going to help. I think it's really going to help the podcast, the fact that I'm hearing him twice through my headphones and then in real life as well. I think it's going to be twice as funny for me to hear you say the same funny things twice.

I think that's going to be good. Yeah, we are in separate locations. You're in the living room of the masturbatorium and I'm currently spread out on the workbench in the master bedroom of the masturbatorium. But rest assured, we are in two separate rooms. We are being responsible about this. We're being responsible for our health.

We're not being responsible for the content of the podcast or our mental well-being while we're recording the podcast. Hey, buddy. Hey, buddy, I hear you twice. I'm hearing you twice, loud and clear. Well, let's check in with two men who are in the bathroom and cupboard of my house joining us on the show today, Cam, James, and Scott Dooley.

Hey, mate. I just want to say it's awesome that we have this technology that we can connect with Dools who's in another country in another fucking time zone right now, but it still all comes down to these two absolute dipshits from Melbourne, like not knowing how to unmute microphones and getting cords tangled up. Carl's had his camera off for like half of this because he's just scrolling Instagram like a fucking idiot. Yeah, he disappeared and then he confessed to all of us that it was because he was looking

at Nick Capper's Instagram of him watching Faith No More guest programming rage on the ABC. And hey, Dooley, can you describe how our view of Tommy on his bed right now for us? Listen, if you were to tell me tommy has an amazon wish list i'd 100 believe it this is a straight up only fans view right now that we've got it really is there's a lot of like there's a lot of eggplant and uh water drop emojis just coming all over the screen well you know it's, it's Friday night where Doolz is. It's bedtime.

I'm trying to make him feel comfortable. Oh, yeah. I'm crossing the time zone. It's Saturday morning where we are. It's Saturday lunchtime and it's Friday night where Doolz is in New York. So you're behind the times. Do you have the coronavirus yet? No, but I'm hearing good things.

I'm hearing good things. It's really bad, dude. It's really bad. Man, if it hasn't hit you yet, quick, you've still got a few hours, get down to the M&M megastore in Times Square and stock up on supplies. Way ahead of you. Me and Yellow and M&M get together every Friday night. Hey, Dules, is it true that you fucked green M&M?

Listen, I don't lick and tell, Cam. Is it true that green M&M melted in your hand but not in your mouth? I don't care for this line of questioning. I don't care for this line of questioning. Are you guys super strict in New York at the moment, Dool? So, I think Australia's gone okay with everything. It's not ideal. It's not perfect. But you guys are locked down pretty strict, yeah?

Yeah. It's pretty full on. You can't go out without wearing a mask and you need gloves and you just shouldn't be out on the street at all. But the thing that's kind of, you know, like the thing that's pretty good is that we've got really strong leadership from the president. So everyone's feeling really calm at all times.

It's a very direct message. It's like, dude, if you don't like it, why don't you fucking's like dude if you don't like it why don't you fucking move to australia you don't like it leave i love it or leave it mate um yeah it's i was talking to uh my wife about it and we were like it's like we're on a deserted island and we're just like we've just been blown like the the ships come down it's like we're on a deserted island and we're just like, we've just been blown, like the ship's come down. It's the opening scene of Lost and we're just all confused and we've heard a voice in the distance go,

hey, the hole in this tree, you can put your dick in it, it feels nice. And the whole country's going, do you want to be in charge of this? Because this seems right here. This feels like a good person to be calling the shots here. And now we've got no one to blame but ourselves when he's like, inject detergent. We're like, well, this is kind of on us at this point.

Can I make it clear that your wife came up with a put your dick in a tree analogy? Is that what happened there? Dream woman. I shudder to think what she'd do if she had a penis like the amount of like you know if we go through a supermarket through the cool section i can see her eyeing off you know the salmon the salmon that just says to me how over having sex with you she is. If she's just going, I'll just go and put your dick in that tree. Stop bothering me. There's a tree out the back, mate.

Off your shirt. We're not going to tap on the shoulder in the middle of the night. Can I make this clear? I don't think we've ever talked about this on the show, Dool. So your wife, what does she do for a living? She's in the fashion industry, Carl. Oh, okay. Does she stitch together garments in some factory?

What does she do? Is she a 12-year-old Chinese boy? Hey, if she was a 12-year-old Chinese boy, Jules wouldn't be sticking his dick in a hole in a tree. Do you want to explain what you mean by that, Carl? What do you mean? No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't, actually.

We're loving this one in the bedroom, Carl. It's good shit over here. Yeah, that joke really travels. I'd like to go back to the Scott may have fucked one of the M&Ms line of questioning. She works in the fashion industry, Doolz, your wife. She does. She is a, what would you call it?

She displays clothing. She is used to show what clothing would wear on a potential- She's a mannequin. She's a mannequin. She's a mannequin. She's a flat matter of- You're like Andrew McCarthy and she's like Kim Cattrall in 1983's Mannequin, the movie. Is that fair?

In a mannequin of speaking, yes. That's true. Yeah, no, she's a model, yeah. She's a model, right. Is she a model or a supermodel? Well, yeah, I don't know. Just say supermodel, Dools. This is a trap.

You have to say supermodel. No, no, no, no. It's not a trap. I'm interested in the line between model and supermodel. I'm interested to know how that works. I can explain. Supermodels are really hot and models are fuck ugly. They're fucking hideous.

It's a huge difference. Yeah, right. That's weird why anyone would employ a model for anything if that's the job definition, but okay. Well, a bit cheaper. You're on a budget. Okay, right. The best part of this has been, because we're doing this via Zoom,

and has been watching how uncomfortable Cameron has been getting on my behalf with this line of questioning. Yeah, man. Carla's, like, so private about his personal life, yet he's happy to dive right into yours yeah yeah what part of this don't you get hey my wife did modeling once my wife did modeling once so she's not a super model she she did it once um i think i talked about it though like she she modeled at like the grand prix and um like the bogans that employed her were like because she's got like a she's got

an italian last name they're like, oh, fucking sick. You can be like a sophisticated model. Awesome. She could be like, it's like Ferrari, like the Ferrari of models. What the fuck do you model at the Grand Prix? What the fuck are you modeling? You're like a grid girl or you're like a like a grid a grid no you're like you're like a grid girl or you're like the the ones that like you know hang around inside and give out free flutes of champagne

or i don't know whatever promo girl a promo girl is what you're saying yeah yeah she's not a model she was a promo girl that's a model man that's a fucking model that's a model that is a model that's a model you're modeling things you carl you're a model i guess that's a model. That is a model. That's a model. You're modelling things. Carl, you're a model. I guess we're all. That's a model, Doolz, isn't it? Carl is a model. Yeah.

Really? Am I? Yeah, Rad Dad. What do you call that? I'm the model for a character. Oh, shit. No, but I didn't get that job. They offered it to me and I never took it because I was in Thailand.

Oh, really? That throws up a lot of questions. I couldn't make the shootouts. That defines me as a person. So what does your wife model, Dors? Just all sorts of things, like, you know, clothes and things. Fuck, you hate this. You hate this so much.

I didn't know we were going to talk about this. Very uncomfortable. And do you know what? The pressure's The pressure's on as well Because You guys have made this thing Of like

When Dooley's on It's a classic episode Because I got to be Part of the I got to be part of Crunchy I got I got to be the

I was here for the Charlie Candler story I've done some like Good live episodes And so when I was going on I was like I actually messaged You guys today To be like Who else is on Because I don't want to Fuck it up story i've done some like good live episodes and so when i was going on i was like i i actually messaged you guys today to be like who else is on because i don't want to fuck it up i we need

you know brown ice cream i was there for that i'm really worried oh yeah it's got to be a classic yeah and and this i'm worried we're not off to a good start we need we need to make this a classic all right all right stop fucking us over and tell us about your hot wife so we can make it a classic. Exactly. Exactly. Get out the centerfolds. Do whatever you need to do to fucking pick this episode up. Let's put a rocket under this fucking thing.

Come on. Throw your hot wife under the bus stools. Who gives a shit about your marriage Let's make this a classic Stop being ashamed Stop being ashamed of your Professionally hot wife you fucking loser And she's clearly like

Seconds away from barging into that room and going What are you talking about in here Give me the Patreon. Give me the Patreon address right now. I want to give $500 to prevent Tommy Dasolo from ever referring to my wife while lying in bed ever again. I need this guaranteed. I might just quickly turn my camera off if that's cool, guys. No, I'm very comfortable.

Tommy's got a little tree in there he wants to pay a bit of attention to. A little bonsai. Like a bonsai bonsai, I think. Can we make that the euphemism? Instead of being a pants man, he's a keen botanist. Can we try to get that going? I like my trees with a lot of foliage. I don't know about you guys, but I like a lot of foliage on my trees.

Okay, well, I've got some plans for this episode. We've definitely got an inus to make this a classic episode, so I've got some bits and pieces. All right. What about this? I'll warm you up with a bit of this. So we've definitely got an in us to make this a classic episode. So I've got some bits and pieces. So what about this? I'll warm you up with a bit of this. Because it's so strict there, Dules, do you do a bit of – what do you do to, like, connect with people? Do you see people driving past and there's, like, parties in your apartment building or anything like that?

Is there any of that sort of business? No, no. It's pretty full on there but what what's happening is a lot of bars and uh restaurants and stuff are setting up windows where you can go and just get takeaway cocktails so last week the weather's been pretty shitty so it's just kind of turning the corner now to come into um into spring and uh what so we went around the lower east Side and went to a few bars you know just to get drinks to to walk around and we realized that everyone on the street is just hammer drunk like hammer drunk and yeah it is it is it is except except is, except there's like, there's like a, do you remember the UMI song, the Sergeant Major, Sergeant Major of the Neighbourhood? There's one of them on every corner just so, who's also drunk, telling people to like, six feet, you fucking asshole.

Like just hearing a lot of that work work going on which is great great i'm i've been doing a thing where um do you know duels now i know cam will know friend of the show milan a pretty legendary yeah yeah we got we got super drunk at the um the new york show another classic episode with ronnie of course yes of course i was very drunk for that episode. Yeah, so Milan, we're friends on the show, Milan. He's been, because he's an eccentric Serbian billionaire and no one really knew where he got his money from and all that sort of stuff. But because he's obviously very social,

like he's a party animal, and everyone being in lockdown, I can just tell he's been going a bit crazy. Like you can't, he can only really shout his girlfriend that he lives with drinks. He can't shout anyone else, you know, when you're locked in the house together. So he's sort of losing his mind a little bit, right? So I've been...

Out of all people, I've been, like, talking to him on... What's it called? House party and stuff the most. Like, I've been talking to him a lot. And he'll just get... He starts shouting himself drinks because it's the only other person he can he can give drinks to so he's just getting drunk and ringing me up and i'm like talking to him all the time and finding out some some sweet little facts about him um to start with

he has been in two bands right he's been in two bands first band he was in a band called milan halen which played van halen covers first band, he was in a band called Milan Halen, which played Van Halen covers. Oh, God. Oh, my God. When was this? When? Oh, like, years and years and years ago, apparently.

Well, it wasn't recent. They were doing Van Halen covers. It wasn't, like, a recent band. 2016? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When was it? But so for people in the audience who don't know who Milan is as a person, they're just assuming, what, these guys are all Italians and they cover Van Halen music?

That's the hook? No, no, no, no. This is just literally a Serbian, this crazy serbian guy and just whoever he knew that could actually play instruments unlike himself forcing them to be in a band for like one joke for one joke payoff okay and then they didn't even then they didn't even play a gig they just rehearsed a lot and then realized oh not everyone knows what this joke will be maybe we shouldn't go pro with this so the joke was just just that Milan sort of sounds like van? That was the joke?

Yes, yes. Fuck me. And he didn't even bother to change the pronunciation of Milan to Milan. Like he stuck. Yeah. Having to start the gigs By getting up and going You guys know the band Van Halen

Yeah Well He's got so much money He may have paid Eddie Van Halen To change the pronunciation Of his name Van Halen

You got him No Yeah I think he bought drinks To everyone in the audience So that they would get so drunk They forgot what the pronunciation Of the band was And they just went along with it.

I think that's it. Do you want a drink? No, I've got my van out the back. Oh, I've got to, I've got to, can't drive now. I'm clearly too intoxicated. That reminds me of a gig I did with, I did a gig with Chris Franklin and before he played Bloke, he had to explain to the audience what it was a parody of. uh, bloke,

he had to explain to the audience what it was a parody of. And he went, he went like, all right, so does everyone remember the song bitch? And no one really said anything. And he went, it was by, it was by someone called Meredith.

Anyway, look, I did a, I did a funny version of it about 20 years ago. And that's man, that's, that's literally the equivalent of not writing any new jokes and having to get up and go explain what VHS is before you do a joke about it.

Do you guys remember Copper Coins? Because if you don't, you're really not going to like the next eight minutes. Yeah, give it another 10 years and he's going to have to just actually play the original in the gig and just like sort of stand there on stage while this three-minute song runs out the clock. Right, now keep that in your heads here's my take on it yeah and always the best sign of any joke is hey

list pay pay careful attention to the beginning otherwise you're not going to understand the also also i like the idea that he goes that people are like oh that's old and it's like then he could sort of say another explanation i was was in jail for quite a while. So I missed out on a lot of current events. So out of the 20 years that this is out of date, three of them are accounted for. Okay. It's I'm really only 17 years out of date with this song. Yeah.

Give him a break. He's the Encino man of comedy. So what was this other, this other Milan band? We've got everything out of that riff. Okay, good. It's a classic. We're getting close to a classic.

It's getting close to a classic. Hey, hey, closer and closer. This is the warm-up riff, by the way. The thing I've got planned for later on, this is just to warm us up. Thank God. So get all the dust out right now. So the second band... Guys, if you look down in the bottom of

my window, you'll be able to see Tommy's classic episode thermometer and you'll be able to see just how close we're getting to certifiable status. When that bonsai starts shaking... That's your dick getting harder. Tommy's red rocket-o-meter. That's what I said Thermometer

Alright we're at half past right now It's exciting So Milan Halen His other band that he had That literally played gigs That actually went out And played gigs in pubs He played in a band called

Fat Lizzy Instead of Thin Lizzy Jesus Christ No he didn't. He didn't. That's impossible. It was a different time. It was a different time.

It was a different time. He played actual gigs in a band called Fat Lizzy, and he said he played one gig with Fat Lizzy, and the only thing he did was in a pub, and he played The Boys Are Back in Town four times in a row without any break until people got really angry and they had to stop. Did they change any lyrics? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no. The only – they're real purists. There was no – in a song parody band, the only song parody they would do was in the title of their band, none of the songs themselves. Because that was disrespectful to the songs and so and milan haylen's the same thing the songs aren't about him they're just like straight up van halen yes just jump just jump with just jump four times shots you might as well do a shot shots no. You're thinking, you're putting too much effort into it, Tommy.

That's too much. Sorry, sorry. Don't mess with the classics. It's titles only. Band titles only. That's, oh my God. So, that's what Milan told me the other night. Like it was just some normal thing.

He just recounted that story like it was something I'd heard before and like that wasn't like a great story. So I was like. You remember my band Fat Lizzy, right? What? You know, we played one gig where we just played Boys Are Back In Town

four times in a row oh yeah I think I would have remembered that Milan you fucking psychopath yeah exactly exactly yeah

because didn't NME do an oral history of that show it was very popular yeah yeah yeah yeah so he tells me that

and I'm like crying laughing going I cannot believe i've got it i've got a i've got a term off turn off zoom instead of nick capper's instagram i'm going to turn off zoom to open up my notes fucking app just to write all this shit down so i'd remember it so then i get back on and we're and we're drinking and it gets to like it's like my wife's complaining that i'm like out in the balcony um drinking and talking to milan but i've got to be out in the balcony i can't be fucking you but I've got to be out in the balcony. I can't be fucking, you know,

inside. Cause he's just being really loud, being stupid, whatever. And I'm in the language I've got to use to keep up with Milan. Can't be used in the same house as a, as a wife and child. So I'm out there and I,

I'm like, I'm trying to get off the call. I'm trying to go, man, I got to go to bed. I got to go, you know, I'm, I'm, I might grab something to eat before I go to bed, and then that's it.

And he's like, what the fuck? You're going to get something to eat? Fuck that. All right. No, don't do anything. I'm making dinner for you right now. So this is midnight. So he just hangs up, and I go, man, don't make me something to eat.

What are you talking about? He starts texting me. He goes, too late. I've already made a pizza for you. It's in the oven. I'm like, what are you talking about? He starts texting me. He goes, too late. I've already made a pizza for you. It's in the oven. I'm like, what are you talking about? We live like 20 minutes apart. So he cooks a pizza for me and then wakes up his girlfriend to come and deliver it at like 12.30 at night because he can't drive.

So then he's driving over and I'm like, absolutely don't do this. Don't make your girlfriend drive over at 12.30 at night. And we've talked about this on the show before Now I don't know if you guys Agree with me Agree with us here But homemade pizza Go fuck yourself

It's a fucking waste of time It's like Buy a pizza Buy a pizza out of a shop Like you can make a meat pie You can make a burger Don't make a pizza Don't make me stay up till 12.30

To get a fucking shithouse pizza If you want to win an election If you want to win an election, if you want to win an election, campaign on that. And if anyone asks you, so what are you going to do about education? Well, I'm going to educate people that homemade pizza's fucked. That's what I'm going to do. You will win in a landslide.

An absolute landslide. What about jobs? There'll be more jobs in pizza parlours because making pizza at home is going to be outlawed Under the Chandler government There is an answer for anything Boost the economy There's going to be a lot of pizza makers

A lot of delivery boys Not a lot of You know there's going to be a little bit of loss In puff pastry factory workers But apart from that We're going to boost the economy Who cares? So then I'm having to stay up

I want to go to bed I'm having to fucking start for this fucking homemade pizza And on top of things Milan's been drinking for six hours. Now I'm copying a pizza that's been made by someone who's been drinking for six hours. I don't want fucking this shit house pizza. So he brings it over and then just dumps it on the fucking footpath. Are you getting a say in the ingredients? Are you getting a say in the toppings?

No. No. That's the other thing. He just dumps it on the footpath for me to come and grab it. And it's raining. So now I've got a fucking wet pizza. On a plate? On a plate sitting on a footpath.

Yeah, on a plate on a footpath. And then I'm texting him going, can you tell me what's in the pizza? And he's like, no. So now I'm getting mystery meat pizza, wet, in the rain, on the footpath. And it's like, oh, thank God we didn't touch. I could be getting some sort of disease. Instead, I'm eating mystery meat off the fucking ground and rain on it. So then I pick this up.

I pick this up off the ground. And he's like, I live in a court. So then he does, like, his girlfriend's, like, going around, you know, doing the U-turn. And then this is 12.30 at night. He just drives past me and just hangs his head out the car and just screams as loud as he can. Do you like my vagina carl yeah and then drives away oh like a scrub from the tlc song that's what he was yeah so wait that was the mystery mate yeah i don't know that's that's the first that's the first link i've made between the two things happening, actually. Fucking hell.

I do like that we could see a news report, which is, and Victoria has 12 COVID deaths, and one salmonella. Yes. Yeah. There's been an outbreak of mystery meat. That's fucking absurd. Oh, man, what a horrible man.

Yeah, the worst. Because I'm drunk as well, and so then I wake up the next morning, and I wake up like an hour later than my wife, and my wife wakes up and goes, why is there a full pizza on the fucking carpet with one bite taken out of it? You left it on the carpet? Like on the plate, but on the ground, yeah. Every morning she must wake up and just think,

God, I've kicked a goal here, haven't I? Look at this. She's like, fuck, I should have married Tommy. She's like, why did I leave my job as a promo model? I could have gotten someone better out of being a promo model, out of being a grid girl. Hey, can we just, of just to go back, and I'm not sure what's been discussed about, you know, the live,

the 500th show has obviously been postponed and what have you. This gives us a bit of time to reform Fat Lizzy for a live gig, right? Oh, yeah. Maybe for a Zoom gig. I reckon that could be cool live stream no i want to see i want to see them at the athenaeum i want to see fat lizzie where they belong in front of thousands yes i agree i agree i wonder what they'll do risking their lives but i want to see people risking their lives to go out of the house maybe maybe catch the virus, but then watch the boys are back in town four times in a row and go, fuck, it was actually worth it, actually.

And free mystery meat pizza. It's a yes. I love Carl's response to punishing this pizza at the end of the night, just leaving it on the ground and going, you're not worthy of the table. just like leaving it on the ground and going, you're not worthy of the table. He died doing what Milan loved, and that's how we'll remember him.

So I'll catch up with what happened last week on the show. So last week on the show, guys, I know you're rabid listeners but um you you know i know there's a you're all very busy at the moment so there's no time to just sit inside and listen to podcasts but um what happened on the show last week was um we had will anderson and uh we had dave anthony and i was going through will anderson's uh imdb page uh looking for things that he'd been on ages ago. And there was like this direct link on the side of the page. There's a direct link to when he appears in lists. And there was a list there that just said, great Aussie blokes.

And it had a picture of him. And I was like, oh, okay, this is interesting. Maybe I'll click on this. And when you click on it, it's like this great bait and switch where this person that's made the list has obviously made it in this way to get it through the census. So you click on it. It says great Aussie blokes. Then you click on it. On the page you get to, it says great Aussie blokes dot, dot, dot that I want to root.

Yes. That's the sweet reveal, right? That's how she's got to pass the IMDB census. This has Terry Pedestrian's fingerprints all over it to me. I love a good dot dot dot. Nothing normal ever comes after a dot dot dot. It's always like, top five pizzas

dot dot dot that I've wrapped around my dick or something. It's always selling sass. Top five holes in a tree Dot dot dot So So I

I clicked on that I found out that there was a big list Of Like the top Top 20 Basically comedians that this This person wanted to root And Will was number one

Awesome So we went through the list Very funny stuff basically comedians that this person wanted to root, and Will was number one. Awesome. So we went through the list, very funny stuff. It was mainly comedians, people that we knew. We talked a lot about that. Will was a bit embarrassed, I think, about being on top of such a prestigious list. As if. We talked about, we named the person.

We named the person that had made the list, and then we sort of came up with the idea, okay, well, I'll message them. So as we're on air, I find the people who had that name, all the people who had that name, and I messaged each of them saying, hey, is this your list?

Can you please update it if so? Because the list was from 2011. Now, as I did that, I realized that one of the people was 12 years old. Now, I didn't mean that now i didn't i didn't mean that i didn't mean that at the time i sent the message before i checked the pictures and then after that i found out that on air and then after that i had a i had a proper look at that person and realized that that person didn't even have the same name i'd spelt the name wrong

and send it someone with that's not even that name that's how you get on a list carl you get on a separate list yeah and if there's one thing the authorities aren't looking for it's a guy who always wears baseball caps and spends a lot of times in thailand messaging 12 year olds on the internet they're never looking for that guy. In their 40s. No, definitely not on any lists anywhere now. Top 10 12-year-olds, dot, dot, dot. Carl, what are you talking about? We didn't have Will Anderson and Dave Anthony on the show last week

and read out this list. I'm just trying to distance myself from the story because I want plausible deniability. I was at home watching Hey Dad. No, no actually I was at home watching Wait, I mean Cosby. Wait, I mean Yeah, yeah. I want to sound less dodgy than Chandler.

I was at home just downloading child pornography. That's better in comparison. I'm up front about it at least. I'm not coming up with some bizarre story about mistaken identity There was a tree down the road that had caught my eye earlier in the day and I decided to go and check it out if you know what I mean, Constable

A young sapling that I'm just waiting to get old enough to be able to be big enough to have a hole in it It's a classic It's a classic Tommy's dick's getting harder Oh, man. It's a classic. It's a classic. It's a classic. Tommy's dick's getting harder. I know we're getting on all classic now. There it is, boys.

We're doing pretty well on the lipstick scale at the moment. It's like a fundraiser where they fill it in. It's just like... So this is just a recount. This is just a compilation. This is a clip show at the moment. We're recounting the best of, which was just one week ago. That's what happened last week on Dumb Dumb.

It's too early to reminisce. Yeah, yeah. I didn't do the flashback bits, but that's what happened last week on Dumb Dumb. Yeah, but we didn't get to riff it out under the same roof, Carl, so this is like a new experience for you and me. Right, right, right. Let's just riff this story from now on every week, actually. Let's just do that.

So that all happened last week, right? Just to get you guys on board, right? So that's what happened. Now, the episode went out and I got a lot of feedback straight away. I got a lot of people going, we know that person, we know that girl. So I'll say her first name. I said her full name last week, but anyway, I'll just say her first name this week.

Her name was Hayley, this person who had the list on IMDb from 2011. I got hit up by a lot of people going, I know... Good thing you're censoring it, but telling people where they can go if they do want to hear the full name. To soften this blow,

can I offer Hayley a lifetime of free tickets to Fat Lizzy concerts anywhere in the world? You're on the door. Yeah, fair enough. Okay, fair enough. Backstage. That's probably the worst thing to offer, actually. So, Hayley

look don't want to be able to find the surname they'd have to somehow find the episode that she was named on and you know who's got time

to search through all those hundreds of episodes we've done so I find out through a lot of people who are hitting me up go I know who that person is I know that person

and I was like okay cool and then they're all like I'm going to hit that person up I'm going to message that person. And I was like, okay, cool. And then they're all like, I'm going to hit that person up. I'm going to message that person. And so then I start getting screenshots of people that have messaged her and then got messages back from. And so the messages basically say, well, actually,

I'll take you guys off Zoom so I can actually find the message. Whoa. Whoa, Where's he gone? He's watching Nick Capa. Also, can you just see Cam's fingers typing away in his camera like he's doing his own cross-referencing of this story? I am 100%

looking for this list right now. There it is. Here we go. Listen. No, listen to the story. Have you found it? Oh, no. It looks like it's gone. No, right.

Okay, so I get a message, multiple messages, but one of the messages reads as this. Good morning, Carl. After listening to the latest episode of Dumb Dumb, I've been in contact with my friend, Hayley Redacted. That's her actual last name as well.

She confirmed that she received a message from you. She then blocked you and deleted her IMDB account. Whoa! Claiming you, quote, seemed like a creep, end quote. Oh, my God. The one thing we know about Hayley Redacted, she is a wonderful judge of character. A wonderful judge of character.

She's spot on here. She's on the ball. Anyway, all great stuff from Pope. Like I know who Pope is. This is the first message I've ever got from this person, and they've gone from Pope. Who the fuck's Pope? It's a bit early.

Is it? Yeah, well, given the subject matter, maybe. Yeah, what if the Pope had a list of comedians he wanted to root? That would be fucking awesome. I'd be killed to get on that list around Melbourne time. I think it would go a little something like this. That would be... Can we add that to your next poster?

Like number seven on the Pope's most rootable comics list, Cameron James. Yeah, yeah. Just under Danny Boy. Nice. Boy, I get it. I get it. Not bad.

Yeah. So I get that and I'm like, that's great. And so I sent a message back going, oh, if I could be in touch with her, though, that would be great. Like, I'd love to get the updated list. I need to prove that I'm not a creep, so just really hassle her until she lets me get in contact with her. If at first you don't succeed, stalk and stalk again.

Oh, my God. So then within an hour, all of a sudden, well, well, well, look who just got unblocked on Facebook. Oh. And I get a message from the great Hayley Redacted. Message reads as thus. Hi there. I'm sorry for my late reply.

Oh, well, all of a sudden someone's sorry. Nice. I accept your apology. This is like customer service from like Samsung or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your ability to get uppity so quickly. It's my favorite thing about you. You go from begging to, well, look who came crawling back like that.

I'm sorry for my late reply. When I received your first message, I assumed you were a creeper trying to fish me or send a dick pic. It happens every couple of months. Every couple of months? Every couple of months? Every couple of months someone goes, hey, is this your list of top ten comedians I'd like to root? And then she replies, dig pig.

By the way, here's my wang. Yeah. I like that you get a message like that and your first thought is, this is either someone trying to steal my credit card info or show me their cock. Like, surely it's just obvious immediately which one of those it is. But I like that that's the link between the two. I like that's the link between the two where it's usually it's like, oh, I'm your friend.

I'm stuck in Horsham. I don't have my car broke down. Can you send me your credit card details? I need to get my tire fixed. And then I rip you off all your money. But is the connection between is this your imdb page by the way he's my schlong there's not a lot of connection between the two hayley has by the sounds of things hayley has a real kind of you know fool me eight times shame on me attitude here right so the message continues uh i deleted my own db account because i had 100 forgotten that thing had existed and then today woke up to an alarming and mortifying text

message uh from my friends saying i was mentioned on a podcast episode and turns out you were sending me a legit message about my embarrassing and forgotten internet past. Uh, I've given them the episode to listen. Nice. Just got an extra download. Thank you.

Hell yeah. Congrats guys. Uh, thank you. And didn't get a subscribe by the look of it, but, uh, anyway,

whatever. Proud of you. Tell your friends guys. Yeah. Yeah. Um, okay. Give us a line. Tell your friends, guys. Yeah. Give us a line.

Guys, it's happening. It's really starting to happen. So happy for you. I don't know, guys. It just feels real right now. I don't know about you guys. It just feels like we're part of something special i know i know this i didn't realize that this is how we could get more listeners by the way tommy if we can just message girls on the internet about their horny past we can get more downloads yeah should i just pick a name out of thin air now and just message going

who would you fuck just anyone yeah not even hypothetical out of thin air now and just message going, who would you fuck? Just anyone. Yeah. Not even hypothetical. Oh, yeah. Two different people. Just like, tell me who you would like to fuck. Tommy Little, Dave Thornton. We need an answer. Yeah. I heard on this.

Just send a link of our podcast and say, I heard on this episode that you wanted to suck off someone. Give it a listen and tell me what you think. I'd listen to that. Like, that would work. That would 100% work. If someone, even if a random person said hey joe rogan says you want to fuck someone i i'd be like all right i'll listen i'll tune in i have to listen who is it that's how mark maron got big he told everyone that w2f centered for who who to fuck. Who to fuck. And it's like

they're saying this is this is you changed one word. You fucked on this. Conan O'Brien says you'd have sex with WC Fields.

Wanna listen? Alright. I can't wait post-isolation for Carl to be giving like these talks in these huge halls in a suit

about like digital marketing and branding and how to get yourself out there. And it's like it all changed in isolation when I realised the magic formula. And here's what it is. Tell people that they're named as wanting to suck someone off on a podcast. Yeah, fuck Zuckerberg. Don't pay for sponsored ads on Facebook anymore.

That's a sucker's way of doing it. This is the real way. And then it becomes this huge advertising technique where, like, you know, McDonald's are on the air on TV ads going, someone in our restaurant said that there's someone that you want to suck off. So you want to come in and get a Big Mac while you're here. This would 100% work. Instead of the whole, like, two all-beef patties, special sauce,

lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, it's like, Karen said she wants to suck off someone from work. Instead of the whole, like, two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions. It's like, Karen said she wants to suck off someone from work. Come to Macca's and we'll tell you who it was. We've got goss down here. The McGoss. The McGoss. And I want to see, but I really want to see that COVID ad, Cameron. Like, we're like, in these unprecedented times,

more than ever, we want to know who Karen would fuck from work. Come down to McDonald's, Stanmore. We do. I miss gossip so badly, man. I miss it. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know what? You can say right now who you want to suck off, Cam,

and then we can use this content to get new subscribers to the show later on we can we can send this episode to someone tell them oh someone wants to suck you off and it's all revealed on this podcast okay i'll reveal it at the very end of the podcast okay great who i want to suck off okay all right i i can i can i make a prediction the bass player from Fat Lizzy can expect a message from Carl. You want to suck off the fat from Fat Lizzy, I guess. Crack a Fat Lizzy. Nice.

The piss Fat Lizzy. That's a bit of tunes in the morning. Hayley redacted. Yeah, Hayley redacted. So she said, my embarrassing and forgotten internet past. I've given the episode a listen. All I can say is,

A, no, it wasn't in order. I'm not that particular. B, 2012 was a very different time on the internet. IMDB was a website my friends and I used regularly for some bizarre reason, which we talked about a bit last week. Of all places to put their horny who I want to root list, IMDB of all size. Yeah, it was LiveJournal down that day or what?

Like it doesn't make any sense. It's wrong with blogger.com, bro. Yeah, yeah. live journal down that day or what like it doesn't make any sense blogger.com bro yeah yeah and and c her last point c i wish i had a more common surname um so i couldn't have found her obviously oh yeah yeah i think i love what i love most about that is that she said it wasn't in any particular order i'm not a fucking asshole. I would have rooted any of them. Yeah. Just wanting to take Will down a few pegs too. Cop that you're not actually number one.

You just equal place with everyone else. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, yeah, don't think you're so much better than Frank Woodley after all, mate. You weren't outright number one. Yeah, that's one of those things. It depends on who else is on the list. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, if you're on one of those lists and the rest are just absolute train wrecks, like they're just open micers that, you know, maybe have a YouTube channel, you know. It's just Will up top and then Frenchie eight times. So, Carl, describe the picture that you sent back to this message. No, no, no. There's no picture sent back. So it was his dick on a credit card saying, I've lost the number to this one.

Did it look similar to what's in the bottom corner of my Zoom window right now? Because I'm calling it, boys This is a classic It's a classic It's a classic It's a classic None of that So I don't have the list ahead of me

I read out the list last week Or a lot of the list last week So I don't have last week's list ahead of me Because then she did delete the list She deleted the IMDB list So I can't tell you what was on the 2011 me because then she did delete the list. She deleted the IMDb list. So I can't tell you what was on the 2011 list. But I do remember off the top of my head, in order, she says it wasn't in order now, Hayley, redacted.

But number one that she'd written down was Will Anderson won. Number three was Adam Hills. And then there was like, Lionel and Woodley were like 11 or something, which we were like, nice. Wait, wait, wait. They were separate entries. They were separate entries.

Oh, okay. So it wasn't Lano and Woodley. It was Lano followed by Woodley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 15 and 16, yeah. In a list like that. If you're going to get put on the spit by any comedy duo, be them. Exactly.

Or the umbies. The umbies would be pretty good to fuck you. Squelch, squelch, squelch. The sound effects alone would be worth it. What about getting fucked by Abbott and Costello? Who came first? It's a classic. It's a classic Wait what

What's on my chin What Who's on my chin So So you're saying Carl Now this podcast From last week Is now the only

Remaining relic Of this list Because it's gone from the internet. That's it. Yeah. That's it. We're like the storytellers of an ancient culture. We're passing it on.

Is this a cave painting? Yeah. This is like straight white guys dreaming. This is our rainbow circuit. Yeah, yeah. This is our cream time. This is our rainbow circuit. Yeah, yeah. This is our cream time. This is our dream time. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. So, now that's all gone. That's how people would have imagined the white guy dream time as well. It's a list of our dudes that Chick wanted to have sex with. Back in 2012, Chick's got horny for Will Anderson. That's the beginning of the creaming. It's beautiful, actually.

It's our culture. You have to respect it. So, full respect to Hayley. Full respect to Hayley because she unblocked me on Facebook. She suspected I was some creepy guy. She didn't dispel that rumor after that, by the way. She just put it out there that she thought I was a creepy guy. Didn't say, turns out you're not one.

Just left that there. I was wrong, yeah. But anyway. Fair enough. But then I said, look out you're not one. Just left that there. I was wrong, yeah. But anyway. Yep, yep. Fair enough. But then I said, look, you know, thank you very much. We got an episode out of talking about it. But the question remains, that was 2011. That was a long time ago.

I don't suppose that you could tell me what your 2020 updated list would be. One last job, just for old times' sake. So you've gone from fishing to grooming in the twinkling of an eye. And then she left me on read for about an hour, and I'm like, oh, man, how many windows has she got open where she's just reporting me where I'm in big trouble here, or she's screenshotting this along to friends, you know, doing some sort of investigation.

Anyway, an hour later, boom, she's absolutely come through with the goods. Oh, my God. We've now got the updated 2020 top Aussie blokes dot, dot, dot that I'd like to root by Hayley. Oh, this is amazing. This is incredible. This is a classic. It is officially a classic now.

I can't believe we're in a classic. I can't believe I'm finally in a classic. This is so exciting. You're in a classic. It feels good, man. It feels good. Yeah. Fuck.

This is how you feel all the time, Dules. So, boys, this is one of those moments, like, in a great sporting, like, after you've won a great sporting event or whatever, this is one of those things where, you know, a more experienced player will say to, you know, to like a rookie and just tap him on the shoulder and go, just, you know, just enjoy this. Just soak this up.

This is as good as it gets. Okay? I've been to the Super Bowl once before and I didn't enjoy it as much as I should have. It just all flew by. I got drunk. I don't remember what happened. This is when you tap the rookie on the shoulder and go,

just stay sober and take in every moment of this. That's my one tip, Cameron. Soak it in. Thanks, man. Just soak it in, man. Seriously. One thing that I would say is Try to take mental photographs

And just really Really just enjoy it I'm getting a huge mental photograph Yeah there it is The shiny norm of Dasolo's Fucking cock head right now Tommy's got his Tommy's got his legs spread

That is a truly mental photograph, I have to say. Talk about a Super Bowl. Jesus Christ. Are we doing the list? Are we ready? Are we ready for the list? Talk about when you get one of those big rings when you're at the Super Bowl. That's your Super Bowl ring.

There's the ring. Super Bowl. The championship ring. The Superl. The championship ring. The Superbowl. Yes. Comedy. Okay. All right.

Here we go. All right. All right. So here's the list. Now, again, Hayley hasn't said whether this is in order or not, but she did prefix it by saying she was a lot thirstier in 2011 than she is in 2020. Oh, a more discerning Hayley joins us. That's nice.

So Hayley's become a bit of a slam pig in the last eight years. Interesting. No, no. Full respect to Hayley for providing us with this sweet, sweet content. Take nothing away. I fully respect Hayley for bringing this to the table. I will not have a bad word said about Hayley. Say it was bad.

Yeah, it's a good thing. For a chick to get absolutely railed, it's exciting. Hayley, if you're out there listening to your second ever episode, this is not the voice of Carl Chandler. Carl, message her and ask her for a detailed description of all the sex she's had in the last eight years. We need that for the next episode. Hayley, congratulations on all the absolute jackhammerings

you've had over the last eight years. We're all so happy for you here on this classic episode of Dumb Dumb. It's already a classic. It doesn't matter what we do from here on out. It's already a classic. Put the feet up, gents. It's a classic. It doesn't matter what we do from here on out. It's already a classic. Put the feet up, gents. It's a classic. Hayley, I just want to say I wish I'd gotten the action you got in the last eight years, okay?

Just full respect. Full respect to you. Full respect. This is a good thing. All this happening now is a good thing. All right. So. Oh, God.

Oh, God. I've got to take a jacket off. I've got to take a jacket off. I'm getting too hot. I'm getting too hot. I love doing the pot on the pan. I'm doing this every week from now on. This is great.

Oh, man. Well, you can get as horny as you want. It feels natural to you. I'm at the pot on the bed. I'm doing this every week from now on. This is great. Oh, man. Well, you can get as horny as you want. It feels natural to you. I'm at your kitchen table. Do you have a jacket on under your jacket? Yeah, I've got two jackets on. I've done it there, Carl. Don't worry about that.

Why am I stuck to this table? All right. So let's crack open the list. We've got the top 10. We've got the top 10. All right. All right. All right. Again, in no order ten. We've got the top ten. All right.

Again, in no order, in no particular order, I believe. And I've got a name and then I've got a very few words as a synopsis. That's what I've got. Beautiful content. Not just names. A tiny synopsis. Carl, can I just say very quickly, can I make a request? Because I'd like to think that after what you said to her about the last list, she's taken that on board and she has made it in order.

So would it be worth maybe going from 10 up? Look, I quite like the way it's in order at the moment. Yeah. Okay. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. So again, I don't want to twist anyone's words. I'll be fully respectful to Hayley and her list.

Okay. This is not a time to start shooting the messenger. This is no time. I don't want to put anything in her mouth unlike the last eight years. Yeah. I really would like to distance myself from these comments. That riff, that last riff in particular, I think.

Dooley wants to leave a classic. Fucking hell. Okay, all right. Is it true? Gentlemen, before we go on, and Your Honour, I do thank the court for this indulgence, but is it true that you gentlemen were referring to this episode as a classic while defaming my client?

Is that true? Yeah. Our defence lawyer just like, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you can't deny that it was a classic. It was a classic. That is not what's being disputed here. That's not what's on trial here.

We go, the jury, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you should have seen what we edited out, to be fair. Yeah, yeah. Exhibit A is just playing the entire hour-long ep for the court. To members of the jury, I do ask you, did you enjoy the shots Milan just gave you or what are we... Milan drops by and you mystery meat pizza for everyone. It's exciting.

Underneath each slice is a ticket to a Fat Lizzy concert. I mean, we're off the hook, boys. We're free and easy. Can you play the sensitive bit when we referred to the cream time? No, no, that shouldn't be admitted into this case. That's not relevant. That's not relevant in this case.

Alright. Let's do it. Alright. First on the list. Let's stop having fun and just read out a list of people that a 29-year-old wants to still root, okay? First cab off the rank, as it were. We're going to do a list of 10 this week.

This week? I like how this is coming back next week. It's just going to be, okay, here are the comics Hayley wants to root this week. Number seven with a bullet, Tommy Little. He's come out of nowhere. Are we going to do Does It Float after this? We're going to do What Cheeses Me Off. So name, then the short synopsis.

Here we go. Sean McAuliffe. Wow. He can still absolutely get it. then the short synopsis. Here we go. Sean McAuliffe. Oh, wow. He can still absolutely get it. Just getting better with age. Yeah, fair enough. He's the thinking woman's Dolph Lundgren.

You know what I mean? He ticks the right boxes. And you know what? He'd go absolutely mad as hell on your pussy as well, I reckon. He would go to the fucking town on it. Yeah, he'd probably whip out a bit of Milo Kerrigan as hell on your pussy as well, I reckon. He would go to the fucking town on it. Yeah, he'd probably whip out a bit of Milo Kerrigan as he's drilling you as well.

Exactly. I want a bit of Milo. I want a bit of primal animal Milo in the sack. I'm about to come! Yeah, I don't want any intellectual there. I want Milo going, brain damage box are just absolutely pummeling my rectum. That's what I want from Milo. Well, hang on.

Is she specifying whether she wants anal with these people? That's me. That's me, not her. I think with Milo, you definitely get anal. I think Milo will fucking arsehole. Well, he's a boxer. He'd beat you around the ring. So that's that.

They do call him the brownish bomber. I like how every time we go on one of these riffs, you can see Dool's just put himself on mute. I want no part of this, Your Honour. I technically could not have contributed to this. You never know, man. I technically couldn't have spoken. I might come back to Australia and want to host a game show or some shit.

I don't need this on my resume. I'd love to see you host the game show Who Would Hayley Fuck? That would be a hell of a game show Survey says Sean McCullers I love the idea of of Dooley I love the idea of Dooley

being in some interview to be as the host of the rebooted Double Dare and then someone running into the room with an iPod and going No Dool said he wanted to get What about this bit where Dool said some interview to be as the host of the rebooted Double Dare and then someone running into the room with an iPod and going, no, Dool said he wanted to get, what about this bit where Dool said he got, he wanted to get bummed by Sean McAuliffe? Oh, well, looks like we're giving it to Tony Barber.

Yeah, exactly. That's not what we expect from the host of What's in Hayley's Box. We expected more. All right. Sean McAuliffe. That's a good start. Good start. Sean McAuliffe That's a good start Good start Sean McAuliffe Sean McAuliffe

First cab off the rank Second Second cab off the rank If we can still use that What about cad Cad off the rank Cab Oh yeah

Yeah Right okay Second cab off the rank See what I did there It's a classic Yeah yeah It's a classic Yeah yeah It's only getting more classic Sam Pang

Oh yeah Oh okay Yeah I see that I see that I respect that Anyone Sam Pang Dot dot

Anyone who regularly roasts Ed Cavalli Goes straight on the list Oh I feel like we're going to see Ed Cavalli later in the list Yeah seems like it Oh well Bit of I don't know like Ed Cavalli goes straight on the list. Oh, I feel like we're going to see Ed Cavalli later in the list. Yeah, seems like it. Oh, well. Bit of foreshadowing there.

That's awesome for Sam Pang. That seems like she doesn't like Ed Cavalli, though. Anyone who's roasting him goes on the list. I reckon Tony Martin might end up on this list. Unless Sam Pang's spit roasting him. Oh, okay. Sam Pang, but again, another thinking man's sex symbol. spit roasting him oh okay okay Sanpang

but again another thinking man's sex symbol do you know I've heard a few people say that he's hot a few people love Sanpang

yeah he's a good looking dude Sam's a good looking guy he's a good looking dude yeah he's one of those names that I've heard popped up a few times

as like people think he's sexy people love him yeah people love him very popular guy think he's sexy. People love him. Yeah. People love him. Very popular guy. Yeah, he's good. Sam Pang.

Number three on this list. And again, another new name from the last list. Dave Thornton. Oh, yeah. I mean, there we go. There we go.

Always going to happen. Another friend of the show. Yeah. Yeah. What's the blurb? Dave Thornton, dot, dot, dot dot dot dot my horizons have expanded in 2020. Oh, really? To another white guy.

That's awesome. Another tall white comedian. Just some other white guy from Melbourne. Yeah. I'm now into really good looking guys. Expanding my horizons. I thought I'd give hunks a shot. What do you guys think?

Got a real kink for good-looking dudes. Don't shame me. Don't kink shame me just because I like hotties. Jesus, guys. It's 2020. Women can be into hot men too yeah yeah uh number four another another guest on the show josh lawson okay thank god you're here. That's exciting. Josh Lawson, dot, dot, managed to make a Murdoch son seem hot. Okay.

Was he on the last list? Wasn't he number two? No. Okay. No, there's someone else number two. I can't remember who it was, but it wasn't him. It wasn't. I don't think it was even.

Okay. Yeah, I don't know. So, yeah, haven't had Josh on the podcast for a long time, but he'll be excited to hear about that. He'll be wrapped. Got to let him know. Yeah. Yeah.

Number five on the list, Sam Taunton. Yeah, it was always going to happen. So, young comedian, hasn't been on the show. A lot of listeners won't know who that is, but you can look him up. Very good-looking guy, young comedian. Can I just say, a lot of token acts on this list. Does Hayley work for token? What's going on? That's what you get with representation.

You get onto more TV shows and you get into more underwear. More young girls' underwear. That's what they promise you when you sign with them. Where's the Star 100 talent? Where are we going to see Akmal? What's going on? That's it. Me and Tommy don't have managers.

Just another thing we don't get on. Another thing we don't get on. Another thing we don't get on. Can't even get in the room. Brutal. But hey, at least we don't have to give away 30% of the pussy we get though, Tommy. That's true. Yeah, that is the best bit.

Yeah. Torn's one of my best friends. He'll be very happy to hear this. He definitely doesn't get enough women tell him that he's sexy every day. So that's awesome. Yeah, I like this though. A very good looking guy, Sam Taunton, and he gets a lot of attention off the girls.

And so this is her synopsis. This is Hayley's synopsis off the back of Sam Taunton. Sam Taunton, dot, dot, dot, I like a weirdo. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Interesting I like a weirdo. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay. Interesting. Not a weirdo.

Not a weirdo. Just a good-looking guy. Not a weirdo at all. Don't be going out there going, oh, I know I've got this. You're going to laugh at me. I've got this weird fetish. I really want to fuck Brad Pitt. Oh, God, fuck.

Get out of here. Yuck. She's gaming him. Probably outsider art that Brad Pitt makes. Yeah, she's gaming him. She's gaming him. Probably the outsider art that Brad Pitt makes. Yeah, she's gaming him. She's negging him publicly. That's what she's doing. Yeah.

Yes. She's driving his self-esteem down. I like it. Well played, Hayley. Well done. Yeah, yeah, nice. Hayley's gone up in you. He's going to hear this podcast.

He's going to be in tears and all of a sudden it's hayley here and then she comes in absolutely mops up you know yeah oh i don't think you're that weird i don't think you're that weird after all absolutely cleans up yeah hayley if you're listening to this episode you can 100 fuck sam taunton easily it's like it's within your grasps hayley's really gone up in my estimation with this one because Torton's like, he's been on a couple of TV things but still like relatively new. So she's really keeping abreast of new talent

and, you know, going out there, scoping the rooms for younger people that she wants to fuck. She's not just like relying on the same kind of like older people that have been, you know, that she's been wanting to fuck for nearly a decade now. She's, you know, scoping new talent. And that's actually good, though. That's actually good for younger comics to have that as like a goal

because they don't just see the same people turning up on the same horny panel shows so that, you know, they think, oh, we're never going to get a chance on that thing. You're giving people hope by putting a name like that in there. It yeah that's good i also wonder i don't know what hayley's kind of situation is at home but it's say she's in a relationship it's also always troublesome if your partner's like celebrity pass is really achievable like yeah you know what i like like you've really got to wonder about their commitment to the relationship like alright if you

get a hall pass who is it and they're like hey you know Dave that works at the service station I'd fuck him in a second yeah yeah yeah yeah the guy who's looking through our blinds at the moment he's my hall pass Tommy Dasolo from the Dum Dum Club yeah the person who left that note on the toilet wall

For a good time Ring this number That's my hall pass If I could just ring that number now Man what I'd do then Alright What are we up to? Number six?

Yeah That's my cubicle pass Alright so number six Number six is Another friend of the show Another person who's appeared on the show Andy Lee. Oh, yeah.

I mean, that was inevitable. Inevitable. Yeah. Finally, that guy cops a break. Nice work. Nice work, Andy. Yeah, he needs to get some frigging tail, that guy. Yeah, yeah.

With the synopsis, Andy Lee, dot, dot, dot. I've got eyes, which I like a bit of intonation in the synopsis. I like that. Yeah, yeah. So Sam Taunton's a bit too weird for you. You go for Andy Lee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the real meat and potatoes.

Yeah. He's the Titanic to Sam Taunton's blue velvet. You know what I mean? Fuck, what if she meant Sam Campbell? Maybe she meant Sam Campbell. If she's obsessed with weirdos. Oh, okay. Nah.

Well, all right, all right. Unlikely, but yeah. Unlikely, okay. Yeah, unlikely. He'll never find anyone that loves him. Number six. So number seven, Matt Okine. Okay.

The other guy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. The other guy. Yeah. Yeah, Matt O'Connor dot, dot, dot, as above, a.k.a. I've got eyes. I've got eyes. Okay.

All right. Nice to see a bit of balding representation on this list. I'm into it. I'm getting more turned on by the second. Now, number nine and ten are combined. Oh. I think you know who's coming up. Lano and Woodley.

They're back. They're back. Wow. Defending champs. Oh, my God. They're back. That's awesome. Wait, so who's she bumped?

She's bumped Will Anderson and Adam Hills for Lano and Woodley. Bold. Bold decision. You don't know that. There's still one more to go. That's eight and nine. There's still one person left So hang on 8 and 9, they're still separate

They're not together No Do they get a little synopsis each? Well here's the synopsis It wouldn't be fair to separate them Oh hello I'm reading between the lines I love that idea I love that idea That it wouldn't be fair to separate them Oh, hello. I'm reading between the lines. I'm reading between the lines. I mean, there's only one thing.

I love that idea. I love that idea that it wouldn't be fair to separate them. Like, it wouldn't be fair for her to rail Frank Woodley and for Colin to find out about it. To miss out, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's only one thing that can come between Lano and Woodley. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What if... Didn't they break up about 2011 or something like that? What if that's what they broke up? She yokoed. She yokoed Leno and Woodley. No! Yeah, yeah. So this could...

Hayley was scared this could break them up again. So she's very fairly put them both on the list. But maybe she's thought, if I can fuck them apart, I can fuck them back together again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I feel like such a fucking idiot. When Carl said eight and nine and I think you know what's coming,

in my head very naively I went, she's listened to an ep. Me and Carl have made buddies. What other duo could it possibly be? I feel like a fucking fool. All right. I feel like a fucking fool Alright so here we are It's the final member on the list Here we go So what did you say

Who did you say before Who are you thinking Who are you guys thinking That's going to For number 10 Be number 10 Be the last person on the list Will

Hamish Blake Tommy Little Blake Tommy Little maybe Tommy Little Yeah a little A notable absence From last week's one As well

From 2011 Oh he was barely going In 2011 though So Yeah true If she listened to Last week's episode And heard Will talk

Vehemently About how she was Absolutely No chance Of having sex with him. I wonder if that's influenced her decision with whether or not to put him on this updated list. Right, right. Very interesting.

All right, so do you each want to have a guess at who's the last one on the list? They're all very good choices. They're all very good selections. I'm going to go Hamish Blake. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to go Hamish Blake. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to stick with Tommy Little. Great. Tommy?

Okay. I'm going to go for Con the Fruiterer. Mark Mitchell? Mark Mitchell or Con the Fruiterer? We need the description. No, no, in character. Con the Fruiterer. Couple of days, sorry.

Con the Fruiterer. All right. Couple of days, sorry. Call the rooter up. Call the rooter up. All right. Number 10 on the list of Hayley's 2020 top Aussie blokes dot, dot, dot, dot, I'd like to root is, congratulations, Scott Dooley, it's Hamish Blake. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Wow.

So that's interesting that she'll keep Lanor and Woodley together, but she separates Hamish and Andy. Interesting. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's fair. That's a psychological anomaly. There's a fly in that horny ointment. Yeah, you're right.

But how's this? It's being revealed in front of you guys. Imagine revealing this in front of Hamish Blake as like the real yes moment. The real... You've made the list. You know, this is the final Rose and the Bachelor. Yet the final one, it's Hamish Blake.

And then here's the synopsis. Hamish Blake, yes. Dot, dot, dot. It's not all about looks. Oh. But he's so... Oh. That's not fair to Hamish.

I'm going into bat for for Ham on this one he's a very good looking dude he's a very good looking man he's a really he's really handsome he's tall that hurts us as well

because if it's not all about looks why aren't we on the fucking list and also also I've been I've been described as a home brand Hamish Blake so fucking hell I as a home brand Hamish Blake. So, fucking hell, I'm the home brand not all about looks.

Fuggo. Yeah. Big fuggo. I'm not even the name brand. Yuck. Yeah. The black and gold has a great personality. Good on you, mate.

Oh, boy. Well, that's exciting for Hayley. You know, Hayley, she's expanded her horizons, I've noticed, to almost all white guys there. Only one person of colour on the list. That's exciting. Sorry that she's not your Benetton list of fucking chicks you want to rail, Cam James.

I would never fuck a white chick. I've put that on the record. Never. Never. Now, again, full respect to Hayley There's I don't want anyone to think That we're making fun

Or anything like this This is absolute Full respect to her For updating this list And we're all here We're all red Red blooded people That you know

Have horny urges And needs And all that sort of stuff So this is This is absolutely not Weird or anything. She shared a list with us. Are you about to start telling us about the birds and the bees?

This classic's taking a turn. I'm here for it. I'm here for it. Yeah. Are you naked in the shower with us describing what's happening? No, I just, in case anyone out there starts to sort of go, oh, you're taking advantage of someone's, you know, I'm just saying, Hayley sent us this list. It's people she finds attractive.

It's like, great. That's a completely natural thing. And you know what? If it wasn't super creepy for me to read out my list that I've got on me at all times, I would absolutely fucking do it. Very similar to the Pope's list. I want to rail in comedy. Yeah. You should put it up on IMDB under it.

You should put it up on IMDB under a pseudonym and see if any listeners can track it down and they'll get a prize. Imagine if I put up my top ten horny females in comedy list and just went, there you go, guys, that makes it all even. I would be fucking killed. That would be the best. This is equality.

It would be the absolute best thing in the world if that happened. I guess I have one question for you, Kyle. Would you separate the Kransky sisters or keep them all together? Everyone's moved their mic away to laugh at that As if you're leading me to hang out to dry for that You fucking assholes Would I separate the catering show or not? Look, it's a fair question

It's a fair question Oh man Well, Dame Edna's my number one Just so you guys all know At least two questions At least two questions Oh, man. Well, Dame Edna's my number one, just so you guys all know. It leaves two questions. It leaves two questions. My questions to Hayley were, I was like, magnificent.

Thank you so much for this list. I really appreciate it. These are great synopsis as well. But I do have two questions, which she then answered. First question, I can't help but notice that Will Anderson has completely disappeared from the list. Her answer, ha, ha, ha, he has, he has. I guess tastes just change. Well, that's fair enough.

Poetic. That's fair enough. So that explains that. So sorry, Will does listen to the show. I'm sorry that you had to hear it, not one-on-one from us, not on the show, that you had to hear it in front of millions of other podcast listeners as well. So sorry that, Will, you have to hear it like this.

But, yeah, taste change. You can't argue with it. Yeah, that's it. I mean, she's still got the same change to be absolutely railed by Australia's number one fucking most popular comedy duo, Lena Woodley. Still got that same change. Yeah, and I mean, her tastes haven't changed that much.

As we've discussed, they're all still white men. Sorry, Carl. With all due respect to Lena and Woodley, Hamish and Andy are also on that list in terms of number one comedy shows in the country. Oh, yes, you're right. You're right. You're right. You're right.

You're right. You're right. But, you know, her tastes have changed. She's now getting riled by that hideous, deformity Sam Taunton as well. So she's gotten a lot weirder over 10 years. So one last question. I said, genuinely surprised, no Tommy Little? Oh.

What was your response? Her answer, no way Tommy Little, dot, dot, dot, too despo. Oh. As in, now does this mean he's desperate or he's a despot? Because he does rule with a bit of an iron fist He is known as the Idi Amin of Australian comedy You're right Scott I can't believe you've let that internal comedy nickname out of the bag now

We've been calling him that for years Well you know there's a lot of secrets in comedy But one of these days the millions of Cambodian skulls That he's responsible for are going to float to the top of the ocean. Can we tell people that we call Charlie Pickering Imelda Marcos because he's got so many shoes? Can we do that now?

Yeah, ABC's broke because of Charlie's high heel collection. It's a fetish. At this point, it's a fetish. Yeah, so Two dance posts Sorry Tommy Little I reckon we should check in With Hayley in 10 years I'd love to see

Where her list ends up In 10 years You have no idea How much I'm slutting it up I'm getting on that list bro Me too My aim is now By 2030

I want to be on that list Right This is like This is like American Pie. Instead of pledging that we're going to lose our virginity by prom night, we're all saying by 2030, we're going to be on Hayley's fuck list. Yeah. Yeah. And my first order of business is get onto a Fat Lizzy film clip.

That is going to open some major doors for me. Yeah. That's it. A lot of people get into entertainment and comedy because they just didn't get enough attention from their parents or something. It's like, no, not really anything like that for me. It's more I just want to be fantasized about by someone called Hayley, who's a 40-year-old woman at that point.

And that's what's going to drive me for the next 10 years to get my own Tonight Show. Thank you very much to Hayley for contributing that. Thank you very much to Hayley for contributing that. Thank you very much to Hayley. Thanks, Hayley. Great stuff. Great stuff. Upmost respect for you contributing both sets of lists,

and we've had a lot of fun. And I hope this is the second podcast episode that you ever listen to. And can I also say, gentlemen, I'm calling it, this episode was a classic. It's a classic. Thank you. Undebatable. Undebatable.

It takes a big man to admit when they've been part of a classic episode. And thank you for doing that, Scott Dooley. Do you know what it is? I've been watching The Last Dance and just the way Jordan just owns his greatness. And that's what we've got to do here gentlemen and also can I ask do you think he killed his husband and fed him to the tigers because I haven't seen that

part of the show yet MJ definitely did it that would be great if you made a film where at one point characters are looking into the camera and going two thumbs up for this one absolutely nailed it an emotional scene in a movie and Timothee Chalamet just looks straight down the barrel of the camera and goes,

that nearly made me cry. That was amazing. I can't wait until we're locked up for all the shit we've talked about, a young girl's fuck list on this episode, and then for this to be called the last podcast and have a documentary made about it yeah and lawyers don't let us call it an oral history

because of the subject matter alright well we better wrap it up for another week Cameron James, Scott Dooley thank you so much for joining us thanks for having us. Hey, just before I go, I forgot to reveal who I would suck off.

Oh, yes. After hearing Hayley's list, I feel bad for Tommy Little, so I'm going to throw him a pity gob job. Great. Nice. Tommy, if you're listening, I will fucking notch on the end of your red rocket any day.

Yeah. Finally. Finally. Great. Tommy, if you're listening, I will fucking notch on the end of your Red Rocket any day. Finally, finally. Great. Cam, anything to plug apart from that? Apart from Tommy Little's butt. Cock in my mouth. Just listen to Total Reboot if you like podcasts. Also, Why is Cats as well, two podcasts that I'm on because I'm a glutton for pods.

I love them. Scott Dooley, you've got a podcast out? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and Lima are doing a fake footy season because the football's not on. So we're doing a show where we do all the results and then talk about the games as if we're football pundits. And it is the most fun that I

have. It's ridiculous to have proper conversations and be like, man, Jack Riewoldt's looking good this season. Those guys have the best jobs in the world as far as I'm concerned. And it's called What's It Called? It's called The Monday Rap.

How long have we been doing this for? Yeah, that was terrible. All right, it's late here. I've got to go. I'm drained from this classic. I'm not even going to lie to you. We're going. This is it.

This is the end. We've got to go have rap drinks and celebrate tying off another classic. Guys, thank you guys so much for joining us. And thank you for listening at home. We'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. They have, Tommy.

Good call. Thank you. Brave call. Glad you said it. Glad I didn't have to say it. I could sense a bit of weakness in you, a bit of softness there. You weren't quite tiptoeing around it. I had to come in there and just make the big call.

I had to put myself on the line, but I'm glad I did it. I didn't want to have to say it. I didn't want to have to be the one this week to say, yep, yep, we've done it again. I'm one of the we, and I certainly held up my end of the bargain. I did it again. Well, if you notice, I didn't say we've done it again. I didn't say I've done it again i didn't say i've

done it again i said they've done it oh right because i as as people as long-time listeners will know this is this show is separate to the main show so that's it we're merely commenting on what those guys in the little dum-dum club have done and uh yeah they've done it again raging talents um bernie is um absolutely uh he kicked a big, big, big one. Kicked a big pill straight up in the air. Good 45 meters long as well. Um, it's a good punt. It's a good torp.

How would you say that that analogy plays out given that this episode is sort of a continuation of last week's one? So you, you could argue that the kicking of the big one on this one doesn't exist without last week's one. So are these two separate kicks or is this kind of like, was the ball kind of, you know, it was halfway up in the air last week and then we were checking back in on it this week? I would say usually I'm thinking about this as sort of a kick-to-kick format where there's like someone like, you know, on an oval or whatever, someone's at one end, someone's at the other,

and you're kicking it kick to kick. If you're going to pull that into play, I would say this is like in a game format. Someone's cleared it out of the square last week with this massive torp, and you've gone, wow, what a great kick. But not only that, they've marked it, and they're 45 metres out on a bit of an angle.

And then they've slotted that. It's like just two big ones, one after the other. Okay, no idea what you've just said, but it sounds great. meters out on a bit of an angle. And then they've slotted that. It's like just two big ones, one after the other. Okay. No idea what you just said, but it sounds great. It sounds very impressive. Man, it's excellent. I'm sure it's good.

I'm sure it's really good. It is. But, yeah, good to have these fellas back in the mix. Another classic. Another Scott Dooley classic. That's it. I mean, we were talking about that. You know, Dools was pretty keen to wedge that into the show,

the classics that he's been involved with. And maybe he's a bit underrated in terms of a guest. When you look at the classics he's knocked out, when you see he's like a famous producer that you don't realise, oh, he did, you know, he made Back in Black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blonde on blonde. He made another colour with the same colour again. Another colour.

Yeah. Well, it's kind of hard to tell what's going on here. I mean, not to throw any shade at Doolz. I, of course, think Doolz is great and very funny. He wouldn't be on this show if he wasn't. But how much of a classic ep is his input in it versus him just being in the right place at the right time? You know, how many of these scenarios that he's been a part of

would have just played out at that time and place anyway? Sure, but when you start to post those figures, like, you know, we're both watching The Last Dance at the moment on Netflix. It's like, oh, Jordan's just in the right place at the right time every game for fucking 700 games. He is. He's always in the right place at the right time. Yeah.

Putting the ball into the net during a game of basketball. That's the right place at the right time. Well, whether it's a coincidence or not, when you're starting to post those numbers, you start to think, well, that's a bit too much of a coincidence. Well, I think it kind of meets in the middle. You know, it's very fortuitous that, you know, the Crunchy Gate thing, he just happened to be in town then as that story was playing out. But then his input elevates it to the next level. That is a good point in that none of those episodes are stories that he's brought to the plate.

They're stories that we've brought to the plate. So we've certainly brought it along and then he's helped with a bit brought to the plate. Yeah. They're stories that we've brought to the plate. So we've certainly brought it along and then he's helped with a bit of a slam dunk. Yeah. I mean, we gave him a chance this week with his hot wife, but... That's next. Okay. This is the challenge we have to put.

We got to say to him, you want to keep being part of these classic eps. Yeah. You're going to have to start bringing something to the table yourself. That's it. So there's no more of the dumb, dumb magic. Next episode, if you want to hold on to your classic title, it's got to be all you, buddy. That's it. Next time he's on, we go, right, classic, and then we bring nothing to the table.

We just bring an absolute, we come in and just barely talk. Stonewall it. And just make him have to come up with something. Absolutely. I thought he to come up with something. Absolutely. I thought he'd open up to me. I mean, we're in the model wives club, me and him. You're both wags. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I thought he would open up to me. We've been behind the velvet rope in that world. We both had to deal with the stress of being whatever the opposite of arm candy is. Yeah, a professional handbag. Yeah, exactly. But no, I couldn't even do that. Couldn't even do that for me. But hey, we've got to have a project to work on in the future. And I think I said this in the ep.

I mean, I suspect that I don't know what the living situation is there in New York with the two of them living together. I don't know what the living situation is there in new york with the two of them living together i don't know what sized apartment they're living in it's it's entirely possible that he's there on skype having this chat and she's just sitting on the couch next to it you know it's i suspect that if we had him alone if we once once isolations right kind of once people are out of lockdown and we can get him in a room out away from the prying ears of the miso, maybe it'll be a different story. You're right. He did say off-air that, you know,

there was a chance of him coming back at some stage, not that far away, you know, within the next six or more months or before the end of the year maybe if that's all possible and stuff. So maybe once we get him away from the trouble and strife, maybe he can open up. And off-air he also left the webcam on for us after we wrapped up the app. So, you know, anything's possible down the line.

Who knows? But yeah, but also great to have Cam on again. Two, yeah, two great people to chew over this story with. Yeah, some good yes-anders. And thank you very much again to the person who supplied us with the list that we've been chewing over. Forgotten her name? No, well, you know, I felt bad about, like, she did say,

you know, don't make a big deal of her name again. Keep me anonymous. Okay, right. So I've said her name enough, I guess. Yeah, it's out there. But also, yes, I have forgotten it as well. Yeah, okay. On top of that.

Well, great work by her. And yes, you say this a lot in the episode, but it is worth repeating. Extremely generous and cool sportsmanship from her to go along with it and supply a new list and to unblock you. Yeah. Huge move.

And like I alluded to like you know the dream you know she she does a horny little list and it's great content for us whereas you know i pop out my horny list and it's it's not good news for anyone no one has any fun with that no not at all not all even not even you popping it out if you if you if you, we had like a, you know, a popular female comedian on the show and you just go, Hey, I found this list that some guys written on the net and you're on it. Yeah. Like you did with Will.

It doesn't even have to be you writing the list. Just you finding the list and reporting it. Yeah. Is a completely different story. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. You're right.

Yep. So anyway, we'll check in in 10 years and see, see what the, see what the update is there um just for the record i have remembered what her name is without even checking anything but i won't say it okay out of respect yes yeah i'll just write it on your kitchen table just to prove that i do know um and look yeah look that's a good segue into this look we're back in the room as a great

man once said on on channel seven we're back in the room. As a great man once said on Channel 7, we're back in the room. Channel 9. I think it was Channel 9. Oh. Ill-fated live hypnotism show hosted by Daryl Summers. You're back in the room. Yeah. We are in the room together.

We are distance apart, but we are back in the room after doing a lot of, as you all have heard on the pod the last couple of months, me sitting on the floor of my bedroom. Yep. Doing, you know, picking specific hours where the baby isn't asleep or I'm not having to look after the baby or anything like that. It's just, I'm just, we're just one-on-one. The time we wanted to do at the moment, well, after the baby went to sleep.

Yep. But, oh, it feels good. The weight vest is off. Yeah. Being able to just chop it up in the same room and not have to like awkwardly wait for a moment to jump in over Zoom. And without the four-second delay that my internet provides by being the Flintstones internet.

Unbelievable stuff. I asked you the other day if you'd done an internet speed test, and you told me the number, and it was sickening. It was disgusting. Is it fair that it's one-ninth the speed of yours? Yeah, on that day it was. Yeah. Yeah, I just tested mine because I forgot that existed,

and I was like, oh, okay, mine's really good. Oh, I should ask Carly if we can finally – because the dream would have been you going, it's the same speed as yours and then we just go oh well something's fucking up with zoom then like let's we can get to the bottom of this yeah but um but no that as i said to you that's borderline like you just should not be paying for that that's unbelievable that's like you go to mcdonald's and you order a quarter a large quarter pound a meal and they bring out two fries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go, thank you. No, I think it's more like it's the sort of internet that you expect

when you go to some shit shop. You go to McDonald's or you go to Officeworks or whatever it is. And you know when they've got free in-store internet? Yes, yes. Nah, this sucks actually. Or you're in a hotel where you've had to log into the Wi-Fi through one of their, you know, like through the browser, like put your room number in, you know, and pay 20 bucks a day. It's usually pretty good though, isn't it?

I've had some shockers. I have, yeah. Yeah, I've had some shockers. And there's sort of nothing you can really do about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just have to kind of cop it. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, no, back in the same room.

Good to be back in the same room and just talking about how shit your internet is. Yeah. Really making the most of it. Yeah, it is appalling. I don't know what the fuck is going on, the most of it. Yeah, it is appalling. I don't know what the fuck is going on, but I think it's just because it doesn't affect any Netflix or anything like that. I just never notice it until I'm uploading gargantuan files

or fucking using Zoom and being four seconds slower than everyone else in the conversation. That's crazy to me that Netflix works on that. Yeah. Slow of a connection. Having said that, I tried to start my own Insta Live the other night and it wouldn't let me get on Insta Live. Fucking hell.

It said my connection was too slow. Fucking hell. To get on Instagram Live. Yeah. And was this with Kappa? Yes. I had to get him. You had to rely on the tech support of Nick Kappa on the Oppo.

Yes. Yeah. Wow. Yes. That's- It's pretty appalling. This is disturbing stuff. But the great thing is with my internet provider is that they're also very bad at getting back

to you when you have any sort of tech issues. Well, they're on their internet. Yeah, yeah. They've got emails from a month ago still loading. I just love it that an internet company can't get back to you on the internet. There's no excuse. It's crazy. And also, this internet company, their offices are approximately 10 blocks from my house.

Okay. I don't see why that means they should answer the phone quick. The proximity to... No, I just find that funny that they're so... Well, that's on you. Go down there and knock on the door. No, I just find it funny the idea that there's no excuses. You can't say, well, there's this. No, no, no. No, no, no. But they're probably in there's no excuses you can't say well there's

this no no no no no no but they're probably in there going this guy wants us to call him back he's just down the street he can come in here if he's got a problem yeah it just reminds me of something that i think i'll leave for the main show oh nice need to keep some powder dry yeah we i mean that was a bumper rep as people will have. So we don't need to be churning into too big of a one here. But what we can promote is that we have some new merch honoring this segment of the show, many people's favorite part of the show, Talking Dum Dum. We have new T-shirts and hoodies in both black and navy and also ladies' sizes. That's it.

I've mentioned this before, but ladies, absolutely. Feel free to, A, grab some merch, but, B, you're very want to getting just the male sizes. And, you know, me and Tommy are very much into women's living here. We believe that you guys should be allowed to get married. Yep. You guys should be allowed to vote. Yep. You should be able to use the same shouldn't uh you should be able to use

the same water fountains that we we use and you should be able to have your own t-shirts of course you just need to send us a photo of the body that the t-shirt is going over because we'd hate for anyone to be you know playing funny buggers yeah and taking us for a ride on these shit you know we've got you know it costs us more to get these lady sizes in we don't want anyone taking the piss and eating through this stock when they don't have legitimate claim to it very fair very fair you sound like someone who would be in one of our facebook groups or something but um knock yourself out isolation starting to be dialed back i can't be using the the excuse anymore of no one can cancel me

if everything's cancelled. Yeah, yeah. So ladies, there are lady sizes. So get in there. Not only of the new design, but there is of the aware stuff as well, even though I'm very well aware that the ladies do not want to buy those sizes for some reason. They just want to buy the male sizes.

I don't know why. But, you know, I just think I do the right thing. I get the female sizes in and they just don't fucking sell. But hoodies. We haven't had hoodies for ages. So get into it. They're a cool design. Black and navy.

Easy colours. It's winter coming up in the southern hemisphere. In my opinion, perfect timing to be warmer than you were before. Yes. Yeah. That's indisputable. What else we got uh of course uh we're all stuck inside at the moment so uh no big live shows for a little while but we do have that uh november the 7th yeah penned in for november 7th so keep that on the horizon get your

tickets there's a few good seats there at the moment. Anything else? Yeah, look, Patreon. Like you said, Patreon's been going off lately. People are stuck in. They want a bit of extra content. Even if you're not stuck in, even if you've got somewhere to go. I mean... You've got more stuff to listen to on that commute. Exactly.

I mean, I'm listening to podcasts at the moment because I'm running every night. So I'm not a big sitter down at home and listening. So if you're out and about, if you're running, if you're back at work, whatever it is, extra content through our Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Get on it and get a lot of extra podcasts. Little extra eps at the moment every Monday and Friday and we've been doing some good work on there.

We've had some real crackers. A lot of people really loving those little bonus bites that we've been throwing out. A few episodes where we're like, should we be editing this and taking all the bullshit out at the start of the end that say that this is a bonus episode and using it as a real episode? Yeah, yeah. But no, then we remember we're getting money for that. So then we think, well, let's concentrate on that.

Almost should be the opposite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should be taking a dive on these ones. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, check that out. Patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. And, of course, when you subscribe to Patreon, you go into the draw to get your name read out and thanked

in the back end of this episode. And, of course, this week it's going to, you know, there's a little bit more importance to it because you're having your name stuck on the end of another classic. Of a classic. Another one of Dool's gold label classics.

Exactly. And yeah, what I meant to say before was that the Dool's classics would be, what did he name? What's he been part of?

He's been part of the Charlie Candler Australia's Got Talent episode that also had the first song we ever talked about. My absolute fondness for chocolate mousse.

The Crunchy Gate episode with Luke Heggy, I think that was. Brown Ice Cream. Brown Ice Cream. Where we had the half beer. He was on the, no. No. No. He was on the Live in New York one that we did.

No big classic threads from it but a ripper rep was he on the office works one no that was a live one with kappa and andy lee oh okay right okay and i think maybe nazim yeah yeah okay brown uh brown ice cream yeah right okay okay i think there's another one in the mix there somewhere another class classic. He was on a... Another big boy. I remember when... He was on... Not that it's a classic classic, but he was on a Sydney Live one. Yep.

Oh, yeah. Where... Dooley Beers. Dooley Beers? Yeah. Yeah. Where was that? That was...

Oh, that was Chaz and whatever at Cafe Lounge. Yeah. And Will, I think? No, I don't think so. Oh, okay. He was on... He was also... he did the comedy store with us when we had andrew denton on yes that's right larry emder yeah way back in the day

yep yep i don't think i really knew who he was then i think he was a guy that you knew and i didn't know him yeah i knew him from triple j yeah um did he do oh anyway yeah maybe that's there's enough there um but, thank you everyone for subscribing, getting all that content. Let's crack into it. Let's, you know, just good. Good. It feels a bit like, you know,

you've got back partial custody of the Unplanned Title Alternator. You're able to see it back in the room now. First time I've seen it in about two months, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Since restrictions came in, yeah. You've got weekend access. I thought I'd be excited for the pub reopening. Yeah.

That's really got its work cut out for it in terms of excitement levels because I'm bubbling over with this one. You know a lot of people are saying that when everything opens up, oh, the pub, oh, the pub. What do you really think it's going to be like? Are people just literally going to be pulling their dicks out and jacking off in a pub? I would be happy to overdose that first week. Really? I've got to be honest their dicks out and jacking off in a pub like i i would be happy to

overdose that first week really i've got to be honest with you yeah i but it's weird i mean yeah how serious do you want to go i mean even just things being rolled back this week to oh you can like go to in victoria at least as of in like well now as people listening to this you can go to someone's house and hang out with five of you. Even that, it's pretty overwhelming. After two months of just nothing, it's freaking me out.

It's like having to make plans and like, you know, I want to see some friends this weekend, but I don't want to, I don't want to be like the sixth person on the list. You know what I mean?

It's like, you can only have five in. I'm still being, I'm still, my mindset is more of the, the sensible sort of, in the way of you know my my wife hasn't seen her parents for this whole time yeah because they're of a certain age and obviously mine are a certain age but they're fucking miles away so we're not going to see

them anyway yep um but i'm more of that thing of like oh yeah i'd love to go and hang out with five mates and get pissed and blah blah but then you know you are exposing yourself to five extra people and then you're coming back you see her then she's going out and seeing her folks and blah blah blah so i don't know i know i mean three of my really good friends live together and they also live they by coincidence they happen to live around the corner from my girlfriend so even just go on my girlfriend round of this friend's house see three of them they've been all in the same house together they haven't seen anyone else even that that that's even that feels monumental you know what they should do they should um given the fact that uh the big virus uh is a lot easier to transmit inside just just weaken the the the rules on outside drinking just turn this joint

into don't mind it las vegas don't mind it at all all of a sudden just people you know like las las vegas last time we went yeah or anytime i guess yeah and you just walk down and it's a bit like thailand you can just like uh just finish that beer i'll just nip into that 7-eleven and grab another beer for a dollar thanks and then pull up in a new venue with an open drink you have from out in the street and they're not really they don't care. They're not fussed. There's no licensing inspector coming down on them.

Now, tell me if that's not a good idea. That is a good idea. I mean, well, the only hard thing about it is that, well, this is specific to Melbourne. It's getting quite cold. So to just be like, hey, cool, have as many as you want, drink in a park. Indoor drinking is banned. Well, people are going to be outside and get sick. But it did kind of feel like that.

But do you get sick from being outside? When they're cold, if it's cold enough. Is that a thing? That's the thing I've always been troubled by when people go, oh, you get sick because you're outside. It's like, yeah, but getting sick is like a virus. It's not like a thing that's temperature. Isn't it?

I've always thought it's more like you just wait. It's just your body's a little weaker. Right. When it's cold, like your body's working to keep you warm. Sure. So it's like defenses are down. That's the way I've always kind of been. I'm probably getting that quite wrong.

But like I think I said this. Maybe I said this on a bonus or something. But early on, like when restrictions had just started. And so so of course like restaurants and stuff are still open for takeaway i went into a mexican place to get a burrito and they had beer there and you can't eat in there i was like oh can i get a beer to take away which normally the answer is no yeah you can't you know you have to drink it in and the guy was like oh yeah i guess yeah i don't really know i guess so yeah because he's in uncharted waters

and he hands it to me and he's like oh do you want me to just open that for you because it's like a you know needs a bottle opener yeah so do you want me to open that for you so you can just drink it in the street while you wait for your burrito yeah and i'm like if you feel okay doing that then sure and just it did feel like this magical point in time where it's like the police have far bigger things to worry about than someone just drinking a beer in a street sure so i was like i felt like that was my dream was like that will just start happening you know it's like everyone going this is what we do we refuse to pay rent and we really stick it to the landlords it's like that's that's misguided if we all just get out in the street and start pissing on yeah they're not going to be able to stop us see i i love the idea of doing that i'm i'm all for i don't mind

you know being outside and rugging up and drinking same yeah yeah um i'd be and you know it's it's sort of being safe especially if you if you're not uh if you're walking like if they combine it with a thing where it's like you have to do it while you're exercising so if you're walking. Like if they combine it with a thing where it's like you have to do it while you're exercising. So if you're walking and drinking. A light jog around the tan. Well, not drinking, but walking. You've got to stay moving when you're doing it. Okay, yeah.

So you can't, it's like speed. You're not allowed to go beneath a certain speed. And alcohol content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can have a can in your hand, but you've got to stay above like 5K an hour. And I also like that idea because that means that if you're going for a big walk, you've sort of got to carry a slab with you. That would be good.

Special backpack. Yeah. Yeah. So the more – and, you know, it's good because the more you drink, the quicker you drink, the less you have to carry. Yes. And the quicker you drink, the more you drink, the more pissed you know, it's good because the more you drink, the quicker you drink, the less you have to carry. Yes. And the quicker you drink, the more you drink, the more pissed you are, which means you don't really feel it. Feel any of it.

Just a lot of – yeah, look, I haven't thought completely through. I'm sure that there's – No, I think we've fixed coronavirus. Okay, all right. Done then. Done. All right. Let's get into the names because, as we discussed, already a bumper episode. There's no need for us to be padding this part out with wild flights of fancy

about how the world would be better at the moment if we could get pissed in the street. Well, I think it's helpful. I think it's the most sense we've taught for a while. There's probably a lot of bean counters that listen to this that might be able to run it up the flagpole. Yeah, please. If you can pick some hole with the theory, I'd like to hear it.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank, Emily Shaw. How do you spell Shaw? S-H-A-W. Okay. How did you think it was going to be spelled? I thought it was maybe going to be S-U-R-E. Has anyone ever had that as a last name?

Maybe. Well, I don't know. That's why I asked. Yeah, look. I mean, it would be better. It would be a lot better. Worth the ask because that would be incredible. Yeah.

I've never heard of anyone called that. Emily? Sure. We sure have her money every month. Yeah. No, look. If I was her, I'd heavily look into changing it. Yeah.

To, yeah. Because it costs money to change your name legally. It does. But if you're just changing the spelling, if you're keeping the sound, like if she went in and just went, I'm sort of not changing my name. It's S-H-A-W and I just want it to be U-R-E. When I'm saying it out loud it hasn't even changed yeah i just want to change the writing of it surely i'm entitled to at least 50 off this fee

that's that's a good point that will absolutely fall on deaf ears wouldn't hold up but but worth the argument definitely i think i think as good an idea as beating the virus by getting pissed down the street. But unfortunately, it's, you know, we're not, we're not. You might get lucky though. You go down there, the person that's in charge of processing that paperwork, maybe they're in a good mood. Yeah. You know, maybe they've just gotten drunk in the street on the way into work. Yes.

You know, they're feeling a bit of that Corona magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just let you off the hook. They're like, you know what? You make a good point. And you're being inspired by such a positive surname. You know, you've got a person coming up to you whose name literally is Shaw. Yes, exactly.

Cool. So not only saying like it's going to sound the same, but also in this particular case, it's like, wow, she's so close to having this cool, positive affirmation as a surname. I love everything about this. That should be, it would be good if the price of changing your name fluctuated based on how good. How much work you're doing to it. Well, and also how good the person doing the paperwork

thought the name change was. Right. If you come in and you're like, I want to be, you know, big old Johnny Fuck. Yeah. They're like, God, that's good stuff you can have this one for free yeah yeah but if you're like i want thomas also i want to be tommy daslow they're like that's fucking absurd yeah why six grand yeah thank you yeah yeah it's it's there's no set price

yeah right oh yeah but you know you know that that's just gonna get people like any industry and you know comedy is exactly like that where you leave it up to someone's opinion people that are making choices you know it's not going to go right then there's going to be people going how the fuck did I get charged this much for this when that shit ass no talent

that shit name got his for free no talent name it's all who you know yep oh so you think there'd be that cunt why did that cunt get on the name gala and I didn't? Yeah, so you think there'd be accusations of nepotism

down at the name change place, like, oh, his uncle works in there, just got him a good right. Yeah, someone wanted to fuck Gary Xylophone. Yeah. It's not that good of a name. Gary Xylophone is pretty fucking awesome. If I'm working at that office, I'm giving him a freebie.

That's fucking incredible. Gary, I'm not a huge fan of, though. I think Xylophone's the only thing that makes Gary good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, you're right. I mean, the combo of having that, of having such a plain first name and having such an excitingylophone exciting last name xylophone bringing up the rear yeah exactly um well emily i think this is something you should

seriously consider and it's just a it's a lateral move it's just a slight change to a couple of the letters yeah yeah day to day when you're saying it out loud to people nothing's gonna change yeah and i mean it's a yeah it's only to be just a little bit of, you know, such a weird thing for people to notice that know you already. They're just going to look at that and go, was your name always spelled like that? Yeah. Sure. Okay, sure.

Yeah, sure. Also very good if it's spelled like that and you're going through the name, the roll call. Sure, Emily. Yeah. Well, I like if she's going to change the spelling, I'd also like for her to add a question mark after Emily. Oh, okay. Emily?

Emily? Sure. All right, sorted. Thanks, Emily. Thanks, Emily. Thanks, Emily. Emily? Emily?

Sure. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Andrew Vidler I'm gonna go with Or Vidler The Vidler V-I-D-L-E-R Yeah probably Vidler You'd like to think there'd be two D's

Yeah yeah yeah I know you like to think about double D's all the time Oh fuck Beat me to it Beat me to it Yeah it must be Vidler i wish it was vidler though yeah that's great the vidler vidler do you think he copped that as a nickname at some stage big time surely big time viddle me this why is your name so fucked yeah yeah and he's instead

of and it's just confusingly it you know the Riddler's got the suit with all the question marks. This guy's just got a bunch of Vs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, do you remember there was a comedian – oh, that's a strong word. There was a guy doing open mic comedy like a real kid about maybe eight years ago or so, maybe eight, nine years ago. And he started doing comedy and I think he started like doing gigs like at the age of like 15, 16 or something. And God, I don't think we ever, maybe we have talked about this before. I don't know. But

some sort of special Steiner school or whatever the fuck it is. Okay. Where you get to year 12 and you're basically you're not doing maths or anything anymore you're just going you know what did you want to do for a living i want to be a fucking carpenter or whatever it is it's like okay well that's what you're doing that's what you're doing for year 12 you're just doing carpentry you just you're just doing it that's what you're doing so that's what this guy did except it was comedy and so he was coming to gigs and just, you know, probably the least funny guy you've ever met.

I know he's a kid, but nothing about him said comedy. Nothing about him said comedy until he decided to start turning up to gigs in a jacket that was like the Riddler's jacket, just covered in question marks. Yeah, this does sound familiar. That he'd drawn on himself. This does sound familiar. Can you'd drawn on himself. This does sound familiar. Can you remember his name?

No. Fuck. Andrew Riddler, maybe, I think it was. Yeah, that does really sound familiar. Yeah. God, I miss open mics. Yeah, do you? I really do.

I don't. Stories like this. Yeah. You know, they're rare, but every three years you're just hearing tell of some new freak who's turned up on the scene. It's hard. You know what? It should be really – it's sort of my Achilles heel, the way this has all happened, because it's striking down –

striking me at my source of my best stories. Open mic gigs. Yep. What the hell? And the tram. Oh, yeah. Someone's trying to get into your apartment, Tommy. Someone's ringing my bell.

All right. Tommy's finding out what's going on. I wonder who this is going to be. Someone said Tommy, wanting to get into Tommy's house. I think it's an escort. Just got a straight no. Who the hell was that, Tommy?

It was legitimately a wrong number. Someone hitting the number of your apartment and it was just the wrong one. Yeah, he goes, apartment number this? And I go, no. And he goes, oh, wrong number. But isn't the number right next to the button? Yeah. Fucking hell.

I don't know what's going on there. Okay. Someone the other day. Riddle me this. How did you fuck that number up someone about uh three or four weeks ago buzzed me and said oh it's apartment number i'm from apartment number i've i've i don't have my key i've lost my key can you buzz me in yeah and i was kind of like i sort of went back and forth for like a second. Yeah, I know. And I ended up doing it.

And then immediately was like, oh, I shouldn't have done that. But also, I didn't want to, I just felt like too much of a cunt to be on the phone and go, sorry, man, I'm not doing it. I don't, you could be anyone. I know. I know you mean. I've done it before. Oh, are you kidding? You've got to ask this cunt what the fucking story is here.

You've got to ask him a question here. Tommy's answering. Fuck, how do you fuck your number up twice? How the fuck? Jesus Christ. Wrong number? He hears the voice and he goes, wrong number again. If this rings three times.

What's going on here? I'm answering it. And I'm saying Yeah yeah yeah Cool come in Yeah okay great Yep Do it Alright

Alright I dare say this isn't the last we've heard from this character Really? But this This is like genuinely A bit distressing Because it's like This is the first time

Like you being around here Yeah Is like Like restrictions just being eased And people just being allowed To start coming back into people's houses. There's been no reason for anyone to come round to my house, ring the doorbell or anything, and then all of a sudden this is happening.

Do you know what I mean? It's just like the timing of it is so weird. Yeah, right. And it's pretty late at night too. It's like, it's 9.30. You mean it's after midnight after they ease the restrictions is what you mean? Yeah, it's 9. you mean it's after midnight after these the restrictions is what you mean yeah it's 9 30 on monday may the 28th late yeah yeah yeah whatever you said you got it um i feel like we're having trouble continuing the conversation because we both just

expect that bad boy to ring i'm both hoping i'm hoping yeah i want a bit of phone action i want to talk to who this person is. How did he go wrong number again? Because the number that he said the first time that he'd meant to call, so far off my number. Fuck, I want to ring back. What's going on here? Can you ring back?

Can you ring your foyer and just be put on speaker and go, what's happening in the foyer, guys? Yeah, I kind of want to go out there. That'd be good. Sticky big. Have a snoop around. That'd be... Get a webcam happening in your foyer. Yeah. Yeah, I kind of want to go out there. That'd be good. Sticky beak. Have a snoop around. That'd be... Get a webcam happening in your foyer.

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty freaky. Someone... My neighbour told me that someone... Someone, like, broke into the building a little while ago and just stole a whole bunch of shit

out of the mail room. And then, like, just they'd, like, case the joint and then, like, ran through the car park and jumped over the back fence. But they'd clearly, like, they'd waited until until it must have been someone out the front they just grabbed whatever because like all this packages all just get left in the mail room here so they clearly had seen an australia post guy like come in with a pretty hefty haul and then they've just

gone in there and gone we'll just grab it all and just hope that there's some you know that someone's bought an xbox or something good in the middle that's such a funny like lucky dip burglary oh yeah and then i bet whatever's there yeah i bet it was just like a 30 cardigan from uniclo yeah like 15 worth of nespresso pods yeah it would have been it exactly you're not posting anything that's particularly great no one's sending fucking bundles of cash in the mail. No one's putting... Well, but also too, this was like pre-isolation. So there's never that many packages in the mail room here.

Now would be the time to do it. It's going off in there. Yeah, you're not posting Bitcoin to someone. I'll say it. That's fucking dumb. Yeah. Yeah, now, you know what? I've still got still i think the

first bit of something that i ordered with all that isolation time ago still hasn't come oh really and it's the first time i've ever ordered anything off a facebook advertisement okay yeah one of those things that pop up where you go what the fuck is this and just i just went you know what i'm gonna i'm to get one of these. And then just this jacket. And then I've been waiting that long. I'm looking at the jacket now going, and because I reacted to that Facebook ad, now I'm just being pummeled with jackets and stuff on Facebook.

And they're all better than the one I bought and I'm waiting for. I hate that. Fuck. Yeah. I'm still waiting on a couple of things. Yeah, I'm still, I'm having weeks where I'm like, this is it. This stuff is definitely coming. Like thinking Monday it's probably going to be there.

If not, definitely by the end of the week. And then getting to Friday afternoon and going, well, fuck me dead. Yeah. I'll ask you this. You started this two weeks ago. I know. Now, have you started the, now what did we call it in the end? We called it...

What did we call it? Shit Santa? No. Shit Secret Cunt? I think it was Secret Cunt. I wanted to call it... I think I was really stupid by calling it... What's the main chick from Sex and the City?

What's her name again? Carrie. Carrie. Secret Carrie. When it should have been called Secret Samantha because it sounds more like Secret Santa. Yep, yep. chick from uh sex in the city what's her name again um carrie carrie secret carrie when it should have been called secret samantha because it sounds more like secret santa yep yep even i say and they all love shopping well samantha's the one that was more into fucking absolutely railing fucking blokes yeah instead of shopping but she still like shopping she likes shopping

for cock exactly um so we're calling her it Secret Samantha. Even though that does sound like, you know, each of us are fucking just very slyly going to suck each other off. Yes. For some reason. Yes, yes. But you haven't started on that. Is that fair to say? I haven't, no.

I've done a little bit of looking around, but yeah. You haven't. No, I have. I have. I've done five minutes worth, but it's on my list. It's on my list. So we're going to conclude this. I'm kind of, yeah, I started poking around and looking,

but I really want it to be something that jumps out at me. Maybe I'm going to reach a point where I have to become a little less picky, but. I've got one that I've bookmarked and I'm like, you know, I think I should be able to do better. Same. I found a thing and went, I'm not going to blow my load on this.

Yeah. I'm like, I could get away with this, but you know, it'd be, it wouldn't be a bad gift, but there's no ta-da about it. Yeah.

Mine was the exact same thing. Yeah. I'm speaking about what we did last week, what I've been talking about for a few weeks. I'm really, really, really slowly learning how to speak thai and um i'm basically just watching the same clip every night and it just is really slowly getting through my brain okay i'm not even learning new words every night it's a strange way to learn a language but anyway well that's the way i'm

doing it and um the video i'm watching is uh it's a it's a lady teaching you how to speak Thai. But so Thai is her first language, obviously. Yep. English is maybe second, maybe third, who knows. But what gets me every time is I'm listening to the same video every night and she just has this bit where she goes, where she segues, where she goes, she teaches you how to say this sentence. And then she goes into the bit where she says, here's a bit of a tip. Here's a bit of a secret tip of how you can apply this or whatever.

But instead of just sort of doing like a bit of like, oh, by the way, what she really means to say is by the way. But what she says is, so that's how you say that. And now, ta-da. Nice. Here's a little thing. Yeah. And it's like, that's not ta-da worthy. That's just a bit of a PS.

That's what you mean to say. If you started doing that, that's going to kind of make your English a bit better too. What, me? Yeah. If I start. If that just rubs off on you instead of saying, by the way, you're going, ta-da, that's going to make you a more interesting English speaker. So you're saying I should take tips of how to speak Thai and English from this woman?

Yeah. Yeah. Right. Okay. You're learning Thai and you're also jazzing up your English a little bit. I'm learning Thai and I'm learning broken English. Exactly. You're learning English as a second language.

Great. English is my first language and my second language. I'm learning... So I know it really well and I also know it a little bit shittily as well. Yeah, right, right. Okay. So that's great if I was saying to people, yeah, I know two languages, English and broken English.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Great. Thanks, Vidla. Thanks, Vidla. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Ben Harding.

Oh, yeah. Yeah,ing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you like that? Glad we're not doing this one over Zoom. This is a real magic in the room, this one. Is it? Yeah, I don't know.

Fuck, that ran out of steam. Yeah. Ben with two Ns. I'm still on the edge of just expecting that doorbell to go off. Oh, yeah. I'd forgotten about it. Any second now. Band with two N's.

It can't go off now. That means he's stuck in the foyer for like 15 minutes. Yeah. That'd be crazy. Could be. If he's still ringing us now, and that proves that he's been stuck in the foyer for 15 minutes and he's rung every other person in the whole building.

It must have been an Uber Eats delivery, which says to me that I could have just gone out. I could have just gone, yeah, cool, I'll be right down. And then gotten us some free food. Yeah, you idiot. 9.30 at night, he was just asking the number. Damn. Fuck, you know what? I forgot about this because I haven't eaten.

I was going to say to you at the start of the show, let's order Uber Eats and see if it gets here by the end of the talking. Oh, yeah. That would have been fucking great if we have just ordered something and then copped some free shit 10 minutes in instead. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, well, maybe that's what the – yeah, that must be what the person – there's probably another podcast recording in this building at the same time.

Yeah. They remembered to do it at the start of their 40-minute extravaganza. But Ben – Are we 40 minutes in? Yeah. Fuck, okay. Yeah. Getting free food would have made my Ben very Harding.

Yeah. Ben with two Ns. Yeah. Wild. Absolutely wild. All of a sudden it's made me warm to Ben. Ben. Sorry, Ben.

Ben. Ben. It's all about the Ben Hardings. You know. A little – Sorry, I just Ben It's all about the Ben Huddings Well, you know Little Sorry, I just tickled myself Yeah, I like it a lot Yeah

I like it a lot Yeah, Ben It's like It's like It's like they've gone, you know Like Benny You know, the Ben has got one Yeah

One N But when you say Benny All of a sudden it's got two Ns You're like, cool Well, let's just It's Benny But without the Y Well, what I would say is You know know, a couple of unnecessary N's.

Who is this guy, Michael Richards? Well, it's more of a B word than an N word, I would say, Ben. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to stretch it a little bit. No, no, it's fine. I'm happy with it. It's absolutely fine. Yeah, I think there's Harding. harding oh no i don't think so i

think i thought harding was vaguely in my family somewhere but i think it's pretty well removed wow blood it's not nowhere nowhere close to blood by marriage i think it's there they think they could take a run at the chandler dynasty exactly no chance exactly they're not near the pure Mariborra Chandler bloodline. Yep. Unfortunately for Ben. Sorry about that, buddy. Yeah. My folks, I've probably said this, but my folks, like they're out in a farm.

They live in a farm. Yep. And they rarely go, they don't socialize with anyone. They don't go into, outside of Mirabarra. And so this has sort of left them pretty unaffected, really, the whole thing. Have they started to notice any real, like in talking to your mum, has there been any point where she's been like, okay?

Okay, in what? In terms of like, like you're saying, pretty much unaffected like not being like boy it's weird not being able to go out and socialize yeah but has there been has it quite hit them yet in terms of like you know your mom going to the local whatever yeah a little bit only in that i think what they like to do is just go for a drive and they think oh we can't go for a drive at all we can't we can't do anything at all. Okay. So they're affected by that. Right. But, yeah, yeah.

So they're out on the farm. They can go outside. They can do whatever the fuck they want. They don't go into the city, into the city, the town much. But, yeah, it's a, yeah, they're probably the most unaffected by everyone. But even they're affected. Even they're like, oh, it would be nice to, because there's all these satellite towns around Maribor. They like to sort of go around and – because there's all these satellite towns around Maribor.

They like to sort of go around and have a look at all these shit towns and get a coffee scroll or whatever from a bakery. So even they're a bit like – so it's like, okay, okay. Well, if they're affected by it, it has been a while now. Exactly. Everyone's been locked down. I've been – I think I've talked on the show a bit about how I've been helping my mum learn Zoom because she tutors uh school children and so she had to learn how to

didn't know how to do any of that stuff so i had to kind of coach her through zoom many many many hours out of the week like kind of teaching her just even just how to get on and like make a call and then be on the call not even doing anything technical just that she couldn't get her head around so she's finally kind of gotten to grips with it. And I spoke to her yesterday and I said, how's it going? And she goes, yeah, pretty good. Except I've had the mute button pressed on me a few times. Like what?

By who? And she goes, by some of the grade two students that I tutor. Grade two kids. Just my mum trying to teach them how to add and them going, shut up, bitch. Did I do it deliberately? Hitting her with the mute mute but that's what she thinks oh fuck that's she said it with this air of like i didn't want to you know press too much and go do you think they're actually doing this because they don't want to hear you talk yeah it's heartbreaking these little fucking snotty kids i think they're just like that's cool they just realize like oh guess what i can

oh i don't have to because a friend of mine is a high school teacher and she keeps putting up on Instagram stuff of her students and it is just, you're having a field, if you're like a year 11, year 10, you're having a field day at the moment. Just like all these emails that she gets like, yeah, I don't know what's going on. There must be a bug in the machine. I'm clicking the Zoom link and it's just not opening for me so i'm trying but i just can't get it to work that's great if you were a rap like me in probably from

about year nine onwards i would be loving this at the moment i would that would be 100 me just every class like yeah i don't know what to tell you like well yeah just my computer smoke started coming out of it yeah back to the nintendo 64 i guess smoke started coming out of my bong at the same time as well um yeah i mean you know what to be honest my first thought when you say that about grade two is muting i'm like i'm i'm at i'm at the stage with my with a little blanket with my little child where she's learning different stuff. And to me, as soon as you said that, I'm like, oh, I'd be proud of that, my kid learning how to mute someone on Zoom.

Yeah, I mean, it's hard because it's pretty funny, but it's also like, oh, it's my mum. Yeah, yeah, for sure. My poor old mum who's just fucking learnt how to use this tech. I don't think – the worst thing is I'm trying to teach her in the most black and white terms that I can learnt how to use this tech. I don't think, the worst thing is, you know, I'm trying to teach her in the most black and white terms that I can about how to use it. So I'm not listing all the features. So this would

have been something that she didn't even know anyone could do. And then she's got it, you know, just comes up with a big thing on the screen. Bitch, you muted. Yeah. Oh, poor mum. I'm, fuck, you know, I've never wanted to do the whole dad thing on this show. But, yeah, just my little blanket learning little bits and pieces,

learning what things are called and learning, you know, all that sort of stuff. The thing I like is she, it sounds really bad, but I've taught her how to go and get her own shoes and then you know to do that it's funny because then i showed don't say her name my wife the other day that and i realized as i was doing it it's i've just as i'm like check this out check what i've done and then i'm like shoes go get your shoes and then she runs to get shoes. I'm like, I'm fucking treating my daughter like a dog. Yeah. Morning paper.

Yeah. Morning paper. It's a dog trick. Yeah. It's literally a dog trick. It's like I got shoes and then she just bolts off to the next room and runs back with her shoes. And I'm like clapping going, good girl.

Yeah. Good girl. I literally. A little schmacko on the nose. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. But I was happy with it until I realized what I was doing. girl yeah good girl yeah i literally little schmacko on the nose yeah yeah exactly yeah

but i was i was i was happy with it until i realized what i was doing um thanks um thanks ben harding thanks hardo thank you to patreon subscriber ewan francis no well let me say this let me let me change mind, maybe. There's three vowels in a row with Ewan. E-U-A-N. Ever seen something like that? Never seen anything like that in my life. I mean, I know you've been in isolation for years now, but before that. Before that, wow, I can't remember back that far.

Ever see that? It's unnecessary, isn't it? It's a waste of a you But I mean Yeah Yeah It's Adds nothing

It's a bit dry I mean Seeing that You start to appreciate The work of consonants Yeah You go that's what they're there for Yeah

You just don't You don't want to stick Three vowels in a row It just looks a bit It's a bit dumb Like someone's made a mistake Isn't it It's Yeah it's Did you dumb like someone's made a mistake isn't it it's

yeah it's did you say three or four three oh no yeah yeah okay three three a bit much

yeah a bit much break it up it's barely you barely yeah you've got no you've got no foundation there yeah

it's do you think there'd be a bit of confusion growing up you and Francis you and Francis yeah that's kind of confusion growing up? You and Francis. You and Francis. That's kind of what I thought you were saying when you were in the room. Oh, really? Yeah.

You thought I was talking. You thought that I thought that you had subscribed along with. With my friend Francis. Your friend Francis. Yeah, me and Francis have subscribed. So you're looking. What it says in front of you is thank you to Patreon subscriber Tommy Daslow

and his friend Francis and Francis yep and Francis the Talking Mule from uh yesteryear yes yeah

do you ever seen that those movies no no idea what that was that's the first time you've ever heard of Francis the Talking Mule the first time you've ever heard

of you and Francis as well yep you see that would be great if I just suddenly thought that that was legitimately these fucking old ass movies that i used to watch when i was a little kid and they were old old ass movies then as well yeah and they used to play them in the school holidays all the time and there were there were there was that there was francis the talking mule and uh like it was a series of movies francis the talking mule this is like the

40s or something and it was like mr edbert shitter yep and i think it was donald o'connor that was the it was a guy from a scene with singing in the rain not singing with the rain as i was about to say that would be a cool movie singing with the rain singing with it i mean in implies that there's a degree of inconvenience there Yeah But with is like You know you're making The best of a bad situation

You know what I'm not being rained on While I'm singing This is a duet But does it imply That the rain is singing Meaning that you might be insane You know you could argue

That the sound of the rain Kind of hitting the pavement Hitting the ground There's like a bit of a Yeah Sort of a melodic Tone Quality to that That you're kind of Working in tandem, hitting the ground. There's like a bit of a sort of a melodic quality to that that you're kind of working in tandem with.

Yeah. Well, there was this string of movies I used to watch, fucking Francis the Talking Mule and another series called Ma and Pa Kettle. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of them? I've heard Ma and Pa Kettle reference, but I don't really know what it is. I think I say it all.

I think it's from me. Yeah. I say it a lot. I've said it to peopleettle reference, but I don't really know what it is. I think I say it all. I think it's from me. Yeah. I say it a lot. I've said it to people and then they start saying it. And it's like, they don't know what the fuck it is. It was like the Beverly Hillbillies, except that they never got rich. Okay, right. They were just old fucked people in the country, hillbillies.

Right. But anyway, in this dreamscape, you replace singing with the rain star, Donald O'Connor. And it's you with your sidekick, Francis the Talking Mule. Don't mind that at all. Who's a mule that talks, except, of course, not when anyone else is around. Ah, okay. So you're the fucking dummy going, check this out, everyone. I've got this mule talking.

Come and listen to it now. And then they come over and go, Tommy,y yeah just like that fucking shit cunt donald o'connor that used to be around here yeah he kept saying there's fucking this shit horse talks so then i'm driven insane by having to kind of like keep a lid on it yeah and this and you're going meanwhile just talking to me non-stop yeah you're going cunt find out about this you fucking give me this jibber jabber now where were you in these other fucking years we're over here and this this guy's like cunt i'll fucking talk when I want to. Yep, yep.

So now that I'm saying it with this cool urban language and, you know, pretty fruity sort of lexicon, I'm starting to think they should... Reboot. Reboot, yeah. Yep. Yeah. Francis the swearing mule.

Yep. Francis the cunt of a mule. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, this is actually not too bad. Yeah. What about if it was is actually not too bad. Yeah. What about if it was even that, where that was the issue? It wasn't that the mule wouldn't talk in front of anyone.

The mule's talking in front of everyone, but you're saying, this mule says cunt. It says the C-bomb. Check this out. It swears. Yeah. I taught it to swear. Yeah.

Check this out. I taught it to speak, and then I taught it to swear. Yeah, and it comes over, and you're at school. Yeah. And that's the thing. That's the context. You're trying to show off to your mates then I taught it to swear. Yeah, and it comes out, and you're at school. Yeah. And that's the thing. That's the context. You're trying to show off to your mates at school. Check this out.

I made the mule learn how to drop the C-bomb. Yeah. It comes over and it just says, two plus two is four. It's just quoting Frasier and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just doing all this real highfalutin shit. I'm like, nah, lower the tone. Come on.

It's actually making you look bad. It's like saying Frasier stuff. It's saying all nerdy stuff. Yeah. What? You? No. You watch you loser why is this mule singing barbara streisand songs the fuck is wrong with you and then they all walk away and then the mule says to you hey do you like that cunt yeah yeah this is good this is good stuff it's um well is is this a is this a new Funnyfellas game? Oh! The swearing mule.

Yes! Francis the kind of a mule. Francis the kind of a mule. Oh, wow. Okay, that's in. All right, all right. Another one. Thanks, Ewan Francis. Thanks, Ewan.

All right. Well, look, you know, I want to get home before there's a lockdown. I wonder, you know, we're here at the moment. Things have been eased. Restrictions have been slightly easing that I'm allowed in your room, in your house at the moment. Not in my room. Well, I'm not allowed in your room.

Not allowed in my bedroom. Okay. That's nothing to do with coronavirus. When they develop another type of vaccine, then you can come in my bedroom. Okay. So, look, I think I should be getting home is my point. Yeah.

So, let's do one more. Yeah, one more. That's fine. Yeah. What do you think? That's a good plan. What do you think? I'll just do, as I'm just scanning the people that we've done already.

I don't know why. I don't know why. Why? Quit living in the past. Just looking back. Yeah. Okay. scanning the the people that we've done already i don't know why i don't know why why you quit living in the past just looking back yeah okay you know it's on memories it's like the credits when you're sort of like oh seeing how far we've come today that's what i'm yeah i'm sort of doing at the moment just looking back reflecting enjoying the time yeah i'm spending here with you tommy yeah yeah yeah sure i mean you you seem like you couldn't wait to get out of here about five seconds yeah things change don't they it's like the restrictions you know yep um things

change you can't look too far ahead you don't know what's going to happen you don't know what's around the corner it's very true right now i don't know what's going to happen me either yeah yeah me either but you know what i'm not expected to know what's around the corner. Well, anyway, let's finish off the show, I think. Should we hit the big red button for the fifth time? I think you're a bit hasty there, but anyway. Well, yeah, I am a bit hasty. Yeah, a little bit too hasty. Well, look, in an ideal world,

how long would you say that we should wait before we hit the big red button? Oh, look, soon. Soon. Look, when I give you the heads up, let's do it immediately. But until then. Until then. Yeah. Okay.

Well, until then, I'll just kind of sit and, well, I mean, you know, it seems to be invoked to be reminiscing over the last hour or so, so on. Yeah, maybe I'll do a bit of looking back as well. I mean, there was that time that my doorbell rang a couple of times. Oh, yeah. There was, yeah, what else was happening? There was the guy with the jacket that had comedy written on the back of it. I mean, I don't know. I don't know.

What? The open mic here that had the question marks. Oh, the question marks. Oh, right, right, right. You know, I don't know why I'm saying this. Actually, actually. You were just here, the listeners of your channel. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. All right. What? Do you want me to keep? Am I allowed to keep? I'm actually quite enjoying reminiscing. Yeah, okay. No, go for it.

Yeah, yeah. What else was there? You know, there was, we're talking about the restrictions a little bit and the older generation approach to it. We're talking about people changing their name to sound something, so like if you're, you know, Emily Shaw and her being able to change it to something that just spells different but sounds similar.

Yeah. and her being able to change it to something that just spells different but sounds similar. We're talking about using ta-da instead of by the way. So that's a powerful, interesting phrase. That's so weird that you say that. That's so weird that you say that. Saying ta-da and then something else at the end of it would be interesting. Not the strongest point that I would pick out of the last hour. Oh, okay. Well, maybe keep going then.

Maybe keep going then. I think probably the doorbell was probably stronger culture-wise. Okay, okay, okay. No, no, no. We don't need to debate what the best points are. All right, all right. Sorry. Anyway. Is this the single?

That's a good look back. That's a good look. Yeah, pretty comprehensive. Sorry, but I just think. Pretty thorough. You know, I'm trying to do my job here and get this fifth name out, and you keep banging on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sorry to cut you off like that, but we can't be here all night is my point. Well, you know, like I always say, sometimes to look forward, you've got to look back. Okay, I don't know if that's a thing, but okay. All right, all right. Let's do this. Hit the big red button. The fifth one this week.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ding Dong Comedy ah yes very good yeah very good not sure if yeah it's a funny name

comedy is the last name yeah so in we have Ding Dong Drysdale do you think this is some kind of like

comedy equivalent ah a comedy equivalent of someone who does comedy whoops This is some kind of comedy equivalent. A comedy equivalent of someone who does comedy. Whoops. It's a fair question. I haven't been outside for a while.

That's my excuse. For years, I've heard. All right, guys. That brings us to the end of Talking Dumb Dumb. Thank you, everyone who supports the show on Patreon. Head to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. littledumbdumbclub.com for all the new T-shirts and hoodies and all that sort of stuff, info about the upcoming live show in November that we have.

Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.