The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 503 - Russell Howard & Ed Gamble

Episode Date: May 20, 2020

Hall-of-fame Friend of the Show RUSSELL HOWARD joins us from his childhood bedroom, alongside ED GAMBLE, making his debut on the show! We discuss Tommy's poor choice of Zoom backdrop, spend way too long talking about demented Australian comedians, Karl's been doing his taxes, there's startling new information on the Liverpool curse, Russell closes a fridge door PLUS there's a sex robot! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Russell Howard and Ed Gamble Skyping in from beautiful England We have a bit of news coming up in the back end of the show in Talking Dum Dum Including news about a big live Zoom gig that we are going to do Saturday, May 30 Very exciting stuff, hot off the presses Exactly, we're going to do a fun live show for everyone missing in on live shows

at the moment where you can jump online and check out our old school bullshit finally you're going to see a live show a bit of a

maybe a semi drunk cast who knows so up the back end in Talking Dumb Dumb you'll hear all about that or get on the socials but

man get into it until then enjoy this new episode with two geezers having it large, Russell Howard and Ed Gamble. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me, as always, in the same room, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. We've got some great guests. Let's not faff around up the top tonight. Joining us down the line, we have two very special guests, Russell Howard and Ed Gamble. Yes.

Yes. Greetings. Greetings. That was some real Aussie energy because it's nine o'clock there and you're drinking beer

versus British lunch yeah this is this is us this is us sharing a six pack at our our mate's place

versus you in your 14 year old bedroom trying not to be too loud to wake your mum up it's 9am here let's be clear about that just so people don't get confused what i love it feels like watching you two in your room we've stumbled upon some sort of frat camboy situation where you can there's nothing sexual

about it but you can watch two chums just enjoying each other oh yeah. It's like self-isolation porn for English people. What is that room as well? Because it looks like you've been kidnapped and they've let you record your own podcast. It's my house where I live, Ed. This is the kitchen slash living room slash laundry of where I live and do my business. It's officially called the masturbatorium,

but yeah, you can call it what you want. Put something on the walls. You've kept to one colour tone, haven't business, okay? It's officially called the masturbatorium, but yeah, you can call it what you want. Put something on the walls. It's sad. You've kept a one colour tone, haven't you, Tommy? It's the same colour as your fucking jumper. Fuck, this is so good. You know what? We've done so many at my house

and I get shit for living in an American psycho house where there's nothing on the wall. I'm glad fucking Tommy's copping it for once. Awesome, thank you. Look, I'd turn on a virtual background, but the laptop that we're currently on is too old to support that on the Zoom software that I'm using. So it's just going to have to be the white drapes behind us

for the entirety of this program. I'm very sorry. See, I imagine Tommy living in a sort of like a high tech, you know, like the Chinese kid in the Goonies. I sort of imagine like sort of like that cross with wallace and gromit everything's kind of like there's little trains that are kind of delivering you toast and eggs whereas kyle oh man i imagine you live in a fucking cesspit of like just like oh that's cool that you get like an inventor vibe from it that's nice that's what i get and everything's like

and it's sort of you know the sort of like you choo, choo, and it's sort of, you know, sort of like, you know, Macaulay Culkin, you know, sort of. But with Carl, I just sort of see, like, old Liverpool posters and just a baby padding through, just you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's a bit of that. There's a bit of, there's a lot of my wife saying, does this have to be here? Can we throw this stuff out? There's a lot of that going on at the moment, so.

Russell, we've had on the show before, and lovely, always very generous with his time. And the good thing about you, Russell, is that you sort of know what you're getting with us already. And I guess your vision of Australian comedians is like one of your good mates is Harley Breen. So it's like, great, you think positively of Australia. Now, Ed, I'm a bit more worried about

because I think Ed's connection to Australian comedians is he's had Ronnie Chang on his podcast lately and he knows Ray Badren quite well, which just to be clear, we're not all like either of those two fucking idiots, by the way. We're not either insane and we also can speak English. So we're a little bit different from both of those.

Yeah, those two are unique personalities. Don't worry. I definitely wasn't thinking that they represent the entire continent Yeah They are literally two ends of the spectrum Ray's amazing though, Ray was in the UK for about two years before anyone met him like he just

he snuck over here and just started, like most Australian comedians will come over when they've got a bit of heat and they'll start doing like the best gigs ray came over and started doing like the toilet circuit for two years before he told anyone he was here he doesn't seem to care he's fucking hilarious great can i now this is the thing now now i'm not sure if russ met ray but ray um i gave my extra ticket to when um russ you gave me uh tickets to go and see Liverpool at Anfield a couple of months ago. Oh, what a time.

Now, this is a snapshot of what Ray's like, if you don't know Ray. Now, I asked Ray about Ed coming on the show. And I'll just read out the transcript of what's happened here. Now, I asked him to get in touch with you. He's come back at me the other day and said this. He said, oh, look, I've sent this to Ed, and here's the transcript of what's come back. He said, look, I sent him this.

This Australian podcast has asked me to get in touch and ask if you'd like to be interested in doing their podcast. It's called Little Dumb Dumb Club. It's got quite a big following. Russell Howard's the other guest on the episode they want you to do. You said, who the fuck is this? No idea why I'm following you. Please fuck off.

I'm not doing your friend's stupid ass podcast. Now, that's the screenshot he sent me on Twitter, right? And he sent that to me and goes, oh, what do you think? And I said, well, he's betraying his heritage by spelling it ass, A-double-S. Disgraceful. And he said, no, but what should I do? Do you think he's serious and i said and i said yes he's serious he doesn't know who you are and you

should fuck off and he said no we go way back i said i don't think you read his message properly he said we go way back to the new zealand comedy festival in 2017 and i, quite a history. And then he said, okay, but seriously, have you got his email? I said, no, that's why I'm asking you. Then he says, okay, look, this was a joke that's backfired. He sent me his email but I deleted it assuming you had it along with all the other messages after this so I could screenshot just this bit and send it to you. However, he is keen but I can't go back to asking again for his email address

because he'll think I'm fucking crazy. Oh, my God. Sorry. I love that. So then we had to get your email via another person. Fucking hell, what an idiot. Do you want to hear what he actually said to me before he deleted all those messages? I said yes.

We'd love to if you can make sense of it, sure. It was very gracious, and then we organized it all. And then he followed it up with, actually, Ed, can you please send me a message saying, fuck them and their stupid podcast and telling me not to get in touch with them. I want to screenshot it, send it back as my reply. So that was the whole plan.

And then I didn't think he'd actually, I thought he'd just screenshot that message that I sent rather than delete the whole fucking conversation. Yeah. He sounds like, you know, like normally on like survival shows where they have like an expert, it feels like they should just have him and the show should be called We're Fucked.

And just like loads of celebrities rock up with, what's his name? Ray. Ray, yeah. He's even called fucking Ray as a young man. Yeah, yeah. He's even called fucking Ray as a young man. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Right, Ray's, all Ray's do is sell fucking secondhand cars

and just say things like that. Russ, you think the name's bad. Wait till you see and hear him. It's a whole other experience. I've seen photos of him in my seat at Anfield. Yeah, the name's the best bit. But you know. Yeah, yes.

And he seems like quite a nice bloke, but he's clearly fucking mad. If you only knew he was called Ray and only heard his voice, you'd assume he was 85. Oh, really? big you know yeah yes it seems like quite a nice bloke but he's clearly fucking mad if you don't if you only knew he was called ray and only heard his voice you'd assume he was 85 oh really so what are we dealing with like give me an impression oh i can't i can't start knocking around an australian accent on there tommy i think tommy can do one i think tommy could oh man i don't know that i've got it in me like i don't know that I have that much saliva hanging around me in my gullet at the moment.

Constantly open mouth and sort of tongue lolling out like a big dog. Oh, really? Full Labrador, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, there's a strong mad dog vibe going on with Ray Badgers. Oh, man, anytime he's on this podcast and I have to go back and edit through his track, it's like the ASMR thing where people are his track. It's like, you know, the ASMR thing where people are like into

like, it's like reverse ASMR. It's like the most brutal, it makes me want to like get rid of every bit of saliva out of my body just hearing it, it just sloshing around in my eardrums for an hour. It's fucking, it's torture. Hopefully we won't talk about Ray Badger for the whole time.

I want to talk about another guest that I only know through... Can I ask one more question? One't talk about Ray Badger for the whole time. But I do have one more question. I want to talk about another guest that I only know through... Yeah, yeah. Okay. Can I ask one more question? One more question about Ray, and then we'll get on to your question, which is this.

Lovely. Thank you so much. We've talked about this, how you gave me your tickets to go to Anfield, to go to Liverpool a couple of months ago. Now, I don't know that many people in England I ask. Ray, he fucked me around massively. We sort of had a massive few moments there.

Anyway, we got there. For some reason, it took me quicker to get from Australia to Anfield than it took for him to go from London to Anfield for some fucking reason. So anyway, we got there. Now, I've been genuinely worried about the feedback off the fact that they're your regular seats. Now, we sat there and Ray Badgerin talked about how well he's doing in London comedy, in the London comedy scene,

and how great he's, how much he's killing it in English comedy at the moment for the entire match. And you could see, I assume that they're all, they're regular season ticket holders next door. And you could just see these old blokes that look like they've obviously been coming to Anfield every second Saturday for 60 years. And they're just looking at Ray Badger and going, we don't give a fuck how you've been going at the fucking Budgie and Whistle in fucking Canterbury or wherever the fuck you're talking about. And they were just looking.

And also, it was like a night where, you know, we only just scraped over the line against West Ham. And, you know, all the reports were, you know, I was so looking forward to it. And all the reports were like, oh, there was a severe lack of atmosphere and I'm like it was fucking Badgeran spread that around the stadium I'm really pissed everyone out now was there was any feedback off the of the people that you sit with regularly no no no but what happens like for whatever reason every so often these kind of people come to a game where you kind of if you're into football and you support Liverpool and you're at Anfield it's like this kind of moment and you're kind of people come to a game where you kind of, if you're into football and you support Liverpool and you're at Anfield, it's like this kind of moment and you're kind of just lost in the emotion.

And there's always somebody talking. My favourite, there was a couple that had come up from Plymouth, right? And they were two seats behind us and they were just getting pissed. And they were just all the way throughout the game. There's like Mane, Firmino, world-class athletes doing incredible things with the ball.

And they go, yeah, of course, our Sarah's been down nursery. And we've got a phone call from the teacher the other day and the teacher's like, your Sarah's been doing sit-down kisses with Nathan. And then the girl goes, yeah, I heard that, sit-down kisses. She's only five and they're already doing sit-down kisses. Who's this Nathan? I said, I don't know, I heard that. Sit down, kisses. She's only five and they're already doing sit down, kisses. Who's this, Nathan? I said, I don't know.

I never met this. It's going on and on and on. The second half starts. They don't come out. And my brother said with perfect timing, oh, what a shame that they're not back. I wanted to hear more about their whore daughter. And everybody around just went,

and then they kind of sat down. But it's classic my brother. Now, the interesting thing is that Ed knows my brother very well because he was previously in a sort of a sketch, sketch, sketch? Yeah, like a double act podcast. And my brother used to come to all of their gigs like religiously and my brother's got a fucking mental laugh so he has

he has the i think the biggest laugh out of anyone i've ever experienced i fucking score but he yeah he like screams like he's been surprised by someone in a hockey mask terrifyingly loud and you really have to get used to it every time it's great though Yeah, he like screams like he's been surprised by someone in a hockey mask. Terrifyingly loud. And you really have to get used to it every time. It's great though. Yeah, he loved it. Still a big fan.

Great. So you're seeing him at the gigs and you're thinking, I've got a big in with the Howard dynasty here. One day this is going to pay off dividends for me. The problem is, whenever we do something on TV, my brother comes to all the shows and he knows all the guys that work on the show but you can't have him in the audience because of his laugh because then yeah like well just people will i'm not kidding you it's like like that's how he laughs so so he has to sit with a fucking lawyer who's watching the

show to check whether things are okay so this poor person's been through law school and now they're sat next to my brother who intermittently goes normally but normally you know if your brother laughs at it that loudly it's probably not okay legally yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah right he's Right. He's the sensor alarm. He's the buzzer. He's letting you know you're going to take it off the air. He's the canary down the well. Yeah, right.

Russ, you had a question about another guest. Was it... Well, I don't know whether you've discussed this, but the last time I saw you, there's been lots of... Listen, there's been lots of stories about the coronavirus, how it started. Was it the wet markets? Was it the pangolins has anyone mentioned kappa because the last time the last time to fill you in ed last time i saw

these guys they sent a like ray badran i can't imagine how he compares to kappa because kappa is it it is a good comparison yeah yeah it's fair the dravable fuckwit i've ever met in my life instantly fell in love with him like if i were a woman yeah he would be top of my pity fuck list like just like do you know what i mean almost on a monthly basis i'd see him and he'd be a real problem for me if i were a lady there's something really beguiling about him but he's basically i said that i'll give you 200 if you straighten your hair and travel from um australia to england um because he was going through china now yeah now ed sorry just so you know that we our fans uh crowdfunded his trip from melbourne to l to London so he could be at our gigs

and take money off another English comedian so he could be on the show instead of someone around there. But we forced him to go the worst way possible. So he went through about seven or eight or nine countries or something. And he wasn't allowed to have a hotel room or anything like that. So he was just... Yeah, he was asleep. He was...

And he was dressed in a tuxedo the whole time and makeup and then russell got him to have straightened hair the whole time because he usually has very curly afro hair so that's what happened now he part of it was he went all the way through china um in this unwashed tuxedo that was a it was on the boil for about three or four days by that stage so yes, yes, there is a strong feeling. No one's put it forward, but when he arrived in the UK, he was floating. He looked so disgusting.

He smelled so, so bad. So, is anyone... Oh, we saw him fresh off that trip. We saw him when he arrived in Serbia. We were like the first people to see him after this three days of travel. And it was something else. He was a man on the air. Fucking right, because he's gone from Australia through China to fucking Serbia

in a fucking tuxedo with makeup on and straightened hair. Yeah, and then the three of us all hang out in Serbia with some other people for a couple of days, and then we're going back to London to do these shows. So we hop on the plane, and he's just basically like, see you later, guys. I'm off to get a boat. It then took him like three or four more days to get back from Serbia to London.

Yeah, and also, by the way, Ed, so we went there to do a gig in Serbia and we did the gig and he was still in the same tuxedo and still hadn't washed and all of that sort of stuff and the makeup and the straightened hair. He got on stage and did the gig

and didn't reference the tuxedo or the makeup or anything at any stage. Yeah, because that's part of his skin now. Yeah, yeah. He's used to it, yeah. Didn't reference his appearance. So appearance so people like what the fuck is going on and then decided for whatever reason not to do any of his gold material just to do some b-sides from about eight years ago that didn't work in that didn't work in a country that spoke

english yeah and decided to whack it out in front of people that didn't speak the language and and just cross his fingers and hope it worked there. I love him. He sounds like a fucking mess. Yeah, but there's something about him. Fuck, he's so funny. And he looks so brilliantly Australian to me. He just looks like you could bowl a cricket ball at him with no pads on it, hit him in the face,

and he'd go, oh, yeah? Here's the latest with Nick Cabba. So this is out of all that description. Now, he is one of the rare people i guess in australia at the moment that has a job now his job at the moment is i'd love to say i'd love to give you the option of picking what his job is of guessing what he's doing for a living at the moment but i think it would be have a guess if you like i just think it's going to take too long is he working in a food factory oh god that would be the end of australia i believe at this point if that was the thing no he's not what he's well ed doesn't guess ed doesn't guess oh sorry ed ed please bear in mind

i've got i've got less info and background uh yes guess the job of this man you've never met or seen a photo of before it's's all being taken into account, Ed. You won't be looked down on if you don't nail it. You know, like, the three stages of man. If, like, he's somewhere between Joe Mangle and a Wookiee. That's kind of where he is. I'd love him if he was closer to the water, closer to being a fish, just so he could get a wash.

But he's not. He's quite out of the water. He's a gingery, less salivary Ray Badrum. That's kind of all you need to know. Okay, okay. Dan Test. Okay, alright. You don't think much of Australia, do you?

This is what he's literally doing at the moment. He's walking around for four or five days a week around different suburbs in Melbourne just checking to see if there's any cracks in the footpath. That's his job at the moment. And I still think he's underqualified for it. What? That's his job.

That's what he's doing for a living at the moment. Is that for real? The council is paying him to check for cracks in the footpath. What? That feels like somebody that's taken pity on him and has invented a job so that he... Yes. How is that a priority at the moment? With everything that's going on, it's like we can't have anyone tripping over

on top of all of this. Well, mum's got enough problems with corona without the threat of also breaking her back from stepping on a crack. Yes, exactly. Someone said this to us on the show on a bonus episode the other day, and I laughed about it. I already knew this, and I just assumed it was a joke. No, no, no, this is real.

I didn't even know this was a real job. I think, exactly like you said, I think it's some sort of made-up job that someone took pity on. I think it's like the effect that it's had on russell howard here because like you're like oh what a lovely lovable guy he's a fucking idiot but you know i want to help him out i'll give him 200 pounds to straighten his hair yeah that's effectively the same thing that's happened in australia do you think do you think what's happened is someone at the council has said to kappa you need to sort out the crack situation because they think he's on grade A drugs. And he's taking it upon himself to, what is he doing?

When he sees one, does he take a photo? Does he ring someone? What the fuck? Like, is he then going, oh yeah, it's fucking dead. It's past the fucking red car. and it's just a little bit there. Do we know, does Kappa have, if he sees a crack, does he have the authority to start filling it in himself? Or is that above his pay grade?

Is that out of his jurisdiction? No, he's got to bring somebody up to fill it. And he has to stand there just like waiting until somebody goes that's not a fucking crack that's an eyelash oh fuck also

also I believe it's a two man job so they don't trust Kappa out there by himself to look at cracks he needs a second opinion he's got someone else

he's got someone else in case they don't trust him with his opinions on cracks it sounds like it sounds like it's going to be a terrible one man show yeah he spent looking at cracks

in the pavement and that made him realise about the cracks in his personality that's the conclusion yeah yes and also

what a comparison between 2019 2020 he's like being paid to fly across the world in a tuxedo and make up and straightened hair

this year he's being paid to look for cracks in footpaths fucking hell but it's also maybe maybe it's a really maybe it's a ploy by the australian councils to keep people off the streets because you're going out there's a fucking there's a bloke in the street counting cracks i guess give him some distance i bet you nobody is going within two metres of Kappa. If he's just there going, one, there's one, there's another one. He's got a little Columbo book with all his fucking cracks in it. Sorry, Tommy, what were you going to say? I love the idea that it's, you know,

if you have like a jury in a court case and they don't agree on a verdict, it's like a hung jury and they're not allowed to leave until they reach a consensus. I like the idea that it's the same thing with Kappa and this other guy checking for cracks with him. So if they can't agree that it's a verdict, it's like a hung jury and they're not allowed to leave until they reach a consensus. I like the idea that it's the same thing with Kappa and this other guy checking for cracks with him. So if they can't agree that it's a crack, they're just there all day. Kappa's like, that's definitely a crack.

The other guy's like, you're out of your fucking mind. That's just a natural crease in the cement. It's just all of a sudden been there all afternoon. Also, just so everyone that's listening at home is aware, I'm aware that we've got two big-name English comedians on and we're just asking them about their favourite Australian open mic comedian. I'm very aware that that's what we're doing at the moment. Is there anyone else you want to check in on?

Russ, anyone else from Australia that either of you are interested in hearing about that we can fill you in on? Harley. I from australia that either of you are interested in hearing about that we can uh harley but i know how harley is harley's moved in uh inland and he's uh yeah in a place with absolutely no wi-fi the other day and we were having a zoom conversation with my friend joe who lives in new york and a bird had had flown into his door and was stunned and was kind of flapping about on the driveway. And there were a few of us discussing and he was like, what should I do? I don't know what to do. And Harley was just going, fucking ate it!

Fucking ate it! So he's in the middle of the bush screaming, fucking ate it. That's a very good Harley brain impression. I think he's doing all right. Yeah. But aside from that, yeah. How are you guys? It's nice to see two chums together in a room,

albeit a bleak room with nothing in it. It's like we're free but we're still in prison. It feels weird. We're in content prison. We're going all right. Look, this is what I've done yesterday Is that I had an account And I got my tax done and I've got a massive tax bill

Thank you Someone's doing alright But is about to be not doing as alright If you thought hearing about an open mic You don't know was boring This cunt's about to start talking tax It's tax talk. Get the abacus out, fellas.

Tax talk. Now, what's happened is, so I've got the shits up. Despite not knowing anything about tax and anything about accountancy, I've decided that this person doesn't know how to fucking do their job properly. So I've rung them up and had a crack,

even though I don't really know what I'm doing. So then my, and what that's all bred out of is the fact that, now my wife is the most mild-mannered person of all time. I'm not so much, and she puts up with a lot from me, but what's happened is I've told her, I've said, look, I should tell you,

this is how much I owe in tax this year, and she's fucking lost her mind. She's lost her fucking mind. You should tell her. You're right, you should tell her. Fuck me. What time did you wake her up? It sounds like you're like, listen, I know you're dreaming and that,

but we're in real trouble. We're going to have to sell the kid. It's looking bad. So I've told her now, because she's from an Italian family now, they're not tight asses. They're not, you know. This will be good. That's not what I'm saying.

But what I am saying is they know the value of a dollar. They know. They're tough talkers. You guys know what they're like. They're bargainers is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, disgusting. It's such a strong left turn from tax into racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. No. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that they know the value of a dollar and they decide what it is and then everyone has to match that and that's it. This is the in-laws in particular. My stepfather, not stepfather, father-in-law.

Fucking hell, right. Sorry. That's the other thing about the Italians. They bring you in, didn't they? Yeah, they adopt you when you marry their daughter My father-in-law once My daddy, my mother My new mummy

He owns a building that a Pizza Hut franchises Of course it's pizza They're all the same Must kill him that it's pizza hut that's so fucking brutal that's it that's also that's also how i get in trouble with my wife when she says i'm italian and she was born down the street she was born very close to where we live i'm like you're not italian you're pizza hut italian that's when most fights kick off so anyway he owns a a building that has a pizza hut in it and they kept saying saying, oh, we want to buy it back off you, all this sort of stuff.

And he refused to deal with them until they come and met him in person. And then he wouldn't budge on the price. And so they had to fly from Sydney to Melbourne and then come all the way out to his house. And then he did his classic old man talk, you know, like a Grandpa Simpson sort of deal. That's sort of what he is. He just wants to have a talk for like three hours. He literally had a talk for three hours. The Pizza Hut boss came out and they hadn't changed the price.

He hadn't got anything out of him. But what my father-in-law had negotiated was a three-hour talk with someone that couldn't interrupt him. He just wanted to talk about fucking shrubbery and the birds outside and whatever the fuck it is. No difference to the price. He just got a good three-hour talk out of him. Kyle. So to talk about fucking shrubbery and the birds outside and whatever the fuck it is. No difference to the price. He just got a good three-hour talk out of it. Kyle.

So that's what we're dealing with. What the fuck's that got to do with your tax, mate? So, right. Sorry. Sorry. Well, Kyle runs the pizza hut. So this was him meeting up with the father-in-law to negotiate.

So they're negotiators. That's what they're like. Right. So that's why my wife got so upset. So they said you had to go with my account. My. Right. So that's why my wife got so upset. So they said you had to go with my account. My wife said you had to go with my account. I am enjoying this story, but I just had a text from my mum that says the kitchen door is open,

which is not a metaphor. I have to go downstairs and shut it. For the listeners, Russ is at his parents' house. This isn't like he's not rushing over to his parents' house to close their kitchen door. He's got to drive for three hours to shut a kitchen door. He'll be back. Also, that sounds like he, you know,

Russ hated that sort of slightly boring story and texted himself so that he had an excuse to leave the room. Like when you're going on a blind date, like, yeah, call me around 8pm and just say you've got bad news. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. While we're waiting for Russell to come back, let's just quickly say that so Ray got back to us and said, yeah, Ed's in, and then I emailed you,

Ed's in for tomorrow with Russ, and then I emailed you just to confirm that that was all good and that you were cool to record yourself, and you went, Ray didn't mention the day. can't do tomorrow yeah yeah there was no there was no there was no mention of any day it was just a general would you be up for this podcast generally yeah hypothetically are you into the idea of podcasting ray badger's hypotheticals he basically laid out what a podcast was for me. Okay, great. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah, no time for mentions.

Yeah, yeah. I do do a podcast myself already. I am aware of the concepts. It's a big 10-4 in general from me. Okay, Russell's back. And now the listener can work out from the amount of time that he was gone how the distance from the spare room to the kitchen in the family house and work out what

kind of architecture we're dealing with yeah well basically uh my dad was in the garden with the dogs so i had to check the dogs were there in case they'd run into the street so i had to go into the garden find the dogs dogs were in the shed with my dad and i ran damn yeah it's all happening yeah so don't worry i've saved the rest of the accounting story for now. I am on fucking Tantahooks over here. Cal's rewarding himself with another beer. He's barely even a quarter through the story and he's thought, nah, daddy's thirsty.

But what I love is that you have the audacity to have a go at your father-in-law for having rambling three-hour conversations. And you host a podcast known for regular three-hour rambling conversations. Now, this is what's happened. This is what's happened. The in-laws have said, right, you've got to go with our accountant from now on. Okay, so I ring the accountant and I have the whole story where I say, look, this is what I'm unhappy

with my current accountant for. This is what I think was wrong here. I've been basically forced to sort of come and talk to you about all of this sort of stuff. And so he's sort of been a bit on the money and he's like opened up with five to 10 minutes of stuff that sort of sounds pretty good. And he's hooked me in and I'm, you know, know look i'm a pretty good customer like i if i walk into a shop i i kind of feel like it's part of the social contract to buy something if i walk into a shop so if i'm on the phone to this accountant i guess i better just go with him okay that that's how i generally work now um i'm a bit too nice in shops so i've gone okay i guess i'm going with this new account now just to close off the phone call he's gone yeah so it's all a bit tough for us at the moment, isn't it?

I'm like, yeah, yeah, it's a bit quiet. And he's like, yeah, due to this whole fake virus thing, this whole hoax and, you know, everyone should be allowed outside and do whatever they want. And I was like, man, you were so close. You nearly had the same. Fucking hell. And I just had to get off the phone and say, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to my wife and say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to my wife and say, I'm sorry, I can't go with your accountant. He seems to be some sort of fucking tin hat conspiracy person. Yeah. I just can't do it. I can't, I don't know. Is that a good thing to go to give your finances to someone with that train of thought?

Maybe he's some sort of rain man genius with numbers. I don't know. You've entirely made the right choice. Of course you have. That's such a red flag of like, oh, okay, fine, fine. Do you know what I mean? But that speaks to me of like, I'm not getting a fucking calculator from that fucking country.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because if he believes that, he's going to believe all sorts of mad financial theories as well. Completely. He's going to start investing money in a new cyber currency invented by a rapper or something. I'm going to get my tax bill and go,

what the fuck is 11 to you? What the fuck is this? I went for a drive just a bit out of town the other day and I stopped in to get a burger. Yeah, we can do that here. No big deal. I stopped in to get a burger at this like little takeaway place and I've ordered and then I'm looking and on the counter there was like a little notice basically apologizing

to customers for some of their supply being disrupted. So it was basically saying, you know, we might not have some of these ingredients and also we've had to put some of our prices up by a couple of dollars here and there pretty fair enough stuff but the way that they had written this notice the start of it was like so as you're probably aware there's been a bit of an outbreak of absolute idiocy recently and it's just this note that is just same thing like apologizing for the slight disruptions but just going off about how this whole thing is fake and everyone's lost their minds and i was like i've already ordered the burger i'm in a right wing burger shop this sucks yeah but that's even worse because if you

don't want to order food from a place where they're preparing it where they don't believe the virus is real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's using gloves. They're fucking hacking up all over the meat. It's disgusting. Yeah, yeah. I'm coughing on all the burgers and none of our customers are getting sick. So what does that tell you, folks?

That is a great place for a food place to be like, oh, because of the virus, now we have to wash your hands like the queen. Fucking hell. But also them going like, oh, this has all happened. And so, you know, we've put all of our prices up a couple of bucks. And it's like nowhere else that I've been to has done that. Like that's not an established thing.

It's just them going like, well, you know, we don't believe in it, but we may as well use it to cash in. It's so weird over here. Like they're just beginning to try and sort of get restaurants and stuff going. And then I just can't see it, man. Like, I don't know if you're like this, Ed, but whenever we have like food delivered from like a Tesco food delivery, whatever, kind of like spray everything, give everything a wipe down.

And if we have like a takeaway, similarly, you kind of take everything out, kind of make like, even if it's's madness it's kind of like super safety so the kind of anxiety that would go through your hands if you saw somebody with like a thumb on the plate as they were you know you'd be like no fuck this gotta go i just can't see it man yeah yeah and even if if you start going places where it's socially distanced and uh like everyone there who works there is wearing ppe it's really going to take the special the special feeling out of a night out isn't it yeah yeah yeah if the waiter or waitress is wearing a full mask and rubber gloves yeah yeah get you excited for what you're about to imagine yeah an italian bloke in a fucking zorb with a pepper grill

at least you can't hear have three-hour lectures. I have it now. I have a pizza place that's up the road from me now. My sort of big trip out of the house every day is I go for like a 9, 9.30 p.m. run. I'll go for a run and then I'll reward myself because of that exercise by getting something from a restaurant, by supporting the local economy, by getting some fast food. What a hero. I know, not bad.

And NHS are doing their bit, I guess, but I think I'm sort of stepping it up. Yeah, at 9.30pm while they're trying to close up, I'm sure they're wrapped with that effort. Thanks, hero. Yeah, to see a sweating, wheezing man come in. Absolutely. We've just finished the mandatory two-and-a-half half hour sanitation that we have to do every night when we close up and now we've got to start from scratch yeah so and now a lot of these restaurants

a lot of places are starting to sort of get ready to open up again um because that that might be happening in the next couple of weeks over here now i i went i went to a place the other night where they're one of these places that are showing off their autographs from like when famous people have come along to the shop, right? Now, they've got all their plates at the front of the shop that have been signed by like customers over the years and whatever. Now, you can't sit down. Everything's been scrubbed and whatever. Now, what I've noticed is I think someone's made a major mistake because what they've done is all of the plates have got, like, stickers on them saying who signed them.

But someone has accidentally washed all the plates. So half the plates have got all the autographs scrubbed off them. So there's just empty plates with stickers on them with, like, old Australian rules football players' names on them, but no evidence that anyone has signed them. Do you want to hear a story on that note, right? So my friend, I have to figure out the backstory here. So it was my 40th birthday during lockdown.

I was meant to be in Amsterdam doing a gig. Instead, as we know, I was at my parents' house. And my friend wanking. As we know, I was at my parents' house. And my friend wanking. That's the real red light district of your parents' house. Yes. Your bedroom. Thanks for that pick up, Ed.

You can tell that's a guy that podcasts his little ring off. This guy gets it. I'm here for you guys. So my friend James is a singer and he knows Gary Barlow, who is also a singer. And Gary Barlow... From Take That, right?

That's right. Gary Barlow knows Kenny Darglish. So for my birthday... Legendary ex-plier and ex-manager of Liverpool. So for my 40th birthday, my friend got Gary Barlow to ask Kenny Dargleish to sign a Liverpool shirt for me

saying, happy 40th. Love, Kenny Dargleish. Wow. This was given to me. This was my present. I got it during lockdown. I was like,

oh my God, it was amazing, amazing. Two days later, my mum had washed it. Oh my God. You know when you go in fuck mum you're about to become a statistic like oh like you know when you just go in you you just can't rewind that you can't go oh kenny could you there was so many things that happened to make this special thing occur in my life and now it's just a fucking Liverpool shirt.

Oh, my. Fucking witch. Yeah. What's your reaction? Do you go full 40-year-old tantrum? Like, how do you... Because everyone's like, you know, you move back home, you regress a little bit. She was so upset.

It was like that thing of, like, she was like, oh, I'm so upset. Oh, God. And, like, like she I think had I you know if I had this sort of a bit of

bit of the tyrant about me she would have let me flog her like do you know what I mean like shit and she would have

she would have wanted that but I knew that there was more to be gained if I let her keep the sadness so

how did it how did it get to that point Russ are you just leaving your clothes everywhere? Ed's coming at it from a lovely, reasonable point of view. Yeah, so I

had just put this Liverpool shirt on the armchair in the front room. Dirty laundry basket. No, no, no. And mum had mistaken it. So that's the problem. You could see why she did it. But just... Yeah, just check. It's fine though, isn't it? Ed, are you she'd mistaken it so that's the problem you could see why she did it but just yeah just check

it's fine though isn't it Ed are you into football at all Ed? not at all thank you very much it's not for me I apologise there's been a lot of football no that's fine

I've got I know who Kenny Dalgleish is I'm aware of Liverpool Football Club I used to support Chelsea in the 90s because I felt forced to socially. And now, absolutely not. I've abandoned all of that. It's in my past.

Well, knowing all that, here's a big, long football story that I've got lined up. Hey, Ed, I'm with you. If you want to just hop into a side Zoom window and we can just do our own split pod, the two of us. Tommy, this is the thing.

This is the thing. Because Ed is massively, and he's got lots of great stand-up about this. You would never have thought this, but you're massively into heavy metal, aren't you? Like death metal. Yeah, that's my obsession. Like horrible heavy metal yeah

so but this is the interesting thing because tommy was taken to a liverpool game as someone that doesn't really like football and when you're initiated in the right way so i think you could take us to like a a dirty metal night and we could see why it's wonderful. Oh, totally. Yeah, 100%. The gigs are fucking incredible. I think it would have to be the right band. I think if it's too dirty and too harsh, I think you'd want to leave. What is the wildest thing that could happen?

Wild things don't really happen in the crowd. There's mosh pits and stuff, but everyone's very friendly and they look after each other. But just some of the white noise that comes off those bands sometimes is fucking disgusting like you wouldn't need earplugs but you know what i mean it's like what's the politics like what's the politics like politics It's definitely remote. What kind of fucking... No, I don't mean that.

I don't mean that. I don't mean that. I mean... I don't mean that. I mean in terms of the older metal and the older metal fans and fans like yourself that would probably be into newer metal.

Are you into older metal? What are you into? I like all sorts of stuff. Do you want to know my politics as well? Yes yeah no your metal politics that's what i'm after your metal policy yeah what are we doing are we getting over to uk and going to children of bodum together like what's your what are you into i think they've changed their name recently you know children of bodum have they yeah i think so okay yeah but no i like that i like that sort of stuff i was listening to a uk modern thrash band called havoc this morning uh i was listening to this was i was writing some stuff about it to

be fair but yesterday i was listening to a peruvian band called anal vomit um which i wouldn't i wouldn't pop on in the background but it's it's pretty fucking horrible but uh i like older stuff as well i like iron maiden black sabbath all of that sort older stuff as well. I like Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, all of that sort of stuff as well. Yeah, I love it. Are you allowed to do, like, this is the thing. Has metal changed? Like, are you allowed to do legible logos these days? Are you allowed to be able to read who the fuck the band is?

It depends what sort of genre it is. If you're a black metal band or a deathcore band, you're not allowed to read the logo. It has to just be a basic scribble i actually got one font i got sent some merch yesterday uh from a band called ingested and on unless they told me they were sending it to me i would not have been able to tell you who the fuck the band yeah yeah there's something so funny about that isn't it that it's so kind of counterculture and fucking chaotic and yet they're sending merch like jimmy's just the idea

right make sure you post that get get the right address yeah yeah because yeah we need the famous guy to wear our shirt on tv it'll be good for our image and our brand if you join our patreon if you join our patreon we'll show send you footage of the church that we burnt down in norway exclusive footage of it, yeah. Hey, Ed, my favourite band is Jamiroquai. What do you think of that? Wow. Okay.

Now, I used to love Jamiroquai. I saw Jamiroquai at Brixton Academy many, many years ago and a man at the back told us off for dancing too hard. Well, you know, they bring it out in some people. We were so filled with the funk that we couldn't control our limbs and he got very annoyed with us. No, they're fine. Are they really your favourite band?

Not currently, but they were growing up. They were my first favourite band. Your first favourite band. Tommy, are you a dancer? I'd love to see that. I've been doing a bit of dancing. Do you know the video game Just Dance? Do you know that video game where you dance in front of the screen

and it kind of tracks your movement? I've been doing a lot of that in ISO as a home workout kind of thing. Tommy's a big music fan. There's a very famous music festival in Australia called Meredith Music Festival that's on once a year, and Tommy goes there and like just dresses up and and really makes himself look like a real cunt once a year like dresses up like a fucking moron once a year yeah um and that's one of my best friends i'm sort of gussying that that language for Tommy. Gussying the language up.

You get there in overalls, you get there in like a dress, you get there in, I don't know what you do. Never a dress, come on, mate. Oh, sorry, what was it? Was it like a big, it was dressed like. Oh, it was a big muumuu. Muumuu, a muumuu. Yeah, look, it was a different time, fellas.

What's a big muumuu? Is that a cow costume? Like a kind of an African print, like kind of. It's a dress. It's a dress when you don't want to call it a dress. Like a sarong. It's like a sarong. Sarong-ish.

Kind of like a full body. They're designed for very hot weather, basically. So it's like an African dress. Also, the first time I heard about a muumuu was in The Simpsons when Homer deliberately puts on loads of weight so he doesn't have to work and he starts wearing a muumuu.

That one. That's what I wore for recreation while I was taking a lot of drugs in the Australian bush. while I was taking a lot of drugs in the Australian bush. Drugs, like, see, the thing is, my cousin's into that. My cousin, I shouldn't say his name, but he loves taking mushrooms and going out into nature. I think, fuck that.

I'd want to be somewhere secure. And Australia, Australia's fucking terrifying anyway, being out in the bush. But let alone dressed in a muumuu fucking having taken acid. Is that not fucking terrifying? No, I never found it terrifying, but I wasn't doing it. I've never done acid. I wasn't taking acid. Just a little, little, I'd rather not say in an official capacity.

You'll get in trouble for your fucking, go on. You know, maybe makes you want to give your friend a bit of a hug. You know, more of that kind of stuff. Yeah, but that's what I mean. Not looking down at the muumuu and seeing the pattern come to life. Yeah, but fuck me. Like, if you're taking a drug that makes you want to hug things, and then a fucking kangaroo comes towards you.

Like, that's, yeah. It's different. I think you've got the wrong idea about our music festivals that are in the middle of the bush oh i thought no mate i thought you said that you were taking drugs in the middle of the bush okay fine i had a completely different so you're at the festival no no no no separately and you were in it no no fine fine okay this isn't a rogue operation you've not put on a muumuu and driven out into the middle of the bush by yourself.

That's what, yeah, yeah. No, no. We don't call putting in earbuds a music festival in Australia and just being by yourself in the middle of a bush. That's not a music festival for us. Yeah. That's just listening to music. Yeah.

Yeah. So I don't know whether that makes more sense or less sense. I don't know. I don't know. But what's the drug of choice with metal what's i mean you know you're obviously doing not doing happy drugs with metal i would have thought no i mean i think i'm not really a drugs boy uh but i yeah like old school heavy metal gigs it's just like ale it's just a lot of a lot of beer uh and weed i guess like old school 70s weed where

you can smoke it all day but like there's no no i wouldn't no one's no one's taking e to go to a metal gig right yeah yeah yeah so just like bottles of beer with like a goblin watercolor goblin on the label exactly that sort of shit fantasy lager yeah that's so cool dude fantasy lager sounds like a phenomenal nightclub i would yeah i would gladly go to fantasy lager do you know i mean everyone's wearing kind of blue neon suits oh man fucking anything sounds like a phenomenal nightclub at the moment so what was your what was your football story? My football. Now, look, this is what I want to get off my chest.

Now, I've copped a lot of stick from people that listen to this show, from basically people saying, basically I shouldn't support Liverpool anymore because of times I've come out there and said things and then things have gone wrong. Now, like last year, when we saw you in England, we come over and did those shows.

Liverpool were nine points up, nine points clear ahead of Man City, on track for the first championship in 30 years. I've said, right, we're going to go to London. I'm going to go and watch a game to be part of the season. Everyone's, as soon as I've said that, everyone's gone, you fucking idiot.

You fucking idiot. That's, you've cursed idiot. You've cursed it. You've cursed it. No, it's fine. We come over. We don't win the championship. I have cursed it. Okay.

All right. And in fact, I've said this. As soon as I landed, as soon as I landed, I got off the train and I went straight into a pub and I saw Russ get beat by Barcelona 3-0 in the first leg of the Champions League semifinal. Literally, as soon as I leave the country, I'm on the plane. I've got Wi-Fi on the plane. We win 4-0 to make the final. So as soon as I get out of the country, all of a sudden the luck returns.

Now, I was thinking about it, and I went back through my history of supporting Liverpool Football Club. And, you know, I've been denying that I'm bad luck for them. But, look, here's the simple statistics. The first game I ever watched of Liverpool, I got up early one morning and I watched the last game of the season, 1989 season, Liverpool versus Arsenal,

where all Liverpool had to do was not get beat 2-0 to win the championship. Liverpool got beat 2-0 to lose the championship. That's the first game I ever watched. The next season, I didn't follow them at all. Liverpool won their last championship for 30 years. I started following them properly the next season when we won eight league games in a row.

We were unbeaten for 15 games, then didn't win the championship. No one's ever done that before and not won the championship. So then there was 30 years of not winning the championship after 17 years and 11 championships within that. It sounds like this little ogre's cursed the team. This is the sort of imagery that a metalhead like you can probably get across. Yeah, don't worry.

I'm adding my own stuff to it in my head. So cut to this season. Oh, thank Christ. Thank Christ you cut to this season. I thought that was going to be 29 years of stats. There was a few pizza huts within there. My father-in-law got involved in 1987 or so. Yeah.

Did Ray mention to you, Ed, that this podcast goes for 49 hours every week? We tackle one sport per episode. So this season I make the call again. I come over. Russell's lovely enough to give us his tickets to a match. I want to be just part of the season where we win because we're going to be, you know,

we're 20 points ahead at that stage. I'm like, well, nothing can fuck this up. Along comes a certain pandemic that has fucked it up. Now, you know, nothing's been confirmed yet. People are fucking heckling me online all the time going, you fucked it up. They're going to cancel the know, nothing's been confirmed yet. People are fucking heckling me online all the time going, you fucked it up. They're going to cancel the season. Nothing's been confirmed yet.

And I'm thinking, and I even look back to like, you know, look, Russell, you're a big Liverpool fan. What's the biggest thing that ever happened in Liverpool within those times between 1991 and 2018?

What's Liverpool's biggest achievement? Champions League. Exactly achievement? Champions League. Exactly. 2005, Champions League. Now, so I look back to that and go, well, I got one thing right there. They won the Champions League. But to be honest,

and I've never said this out loud to anyone, no one knows this before right now. I got up and watched that match. We were 3-0 down at halftime. I went to fucking bed. I went to bed before we came back to draw 3-0 down at halftime. I went to fucking bed. I went to bed before we came back to win 3-0, draw 3-0 and then win on penalties. And I've never said this out loud,

but I got woken up at 3-0 by all my friends going, what a fucking match. And me just like in bed with my eyes closed replying, yeah, man. What do you think about the match? And them going, it's insane. And then I just quickly had to jump up and watch the fucking penalty shootout.

Tommy, I'm going to need you to choke him out. We need a blood sacrifice. That's the only way of doing it. Oh, now Ed's back in. So do I just give up? Yeah, yeah. Do I just give up supporting Liverpool Football Club for the next month or so until something good happens?

I'm happy to just renounce my support until somehow the championship comes back, the Premier League comes back and we win something. I'm happy to take a step back. What would be interesting is, it's a bit like when you're trying to figure out foods that you're allergic to. You need to have a little diary that you keep and don't ever read it out but where you you see what

happens when you pay no heed to results when it starts right have a week off right have a week on build up and then after after six weeks if if we win more than we lose, then you're welcome. If you truly are a curse, then I think you have to make your peace with it and become a metalhead. Yeah. Maybe I'll go out and get a Man City kit or something

and I'll wear that for a couple of weeks and just sort of scare away the demons maybe and just see how that works and stuff. I don't know. Trying to trick the curse, I don't think it'll take too kindly to that. I think the whole team will get wiped out or something if you start trying to game this thing too hard.

Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. That's so weird though. You're very welcome to be a metalhead. We love curses. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Cursed people are like, you'd be a god. Yeah, yeah. I'd be the subject of a song. Yeah. All fucking right, exactly. Cursed people are like, you'd be a god. Yeah, yeah. I'd be the subject of a song. All fucking right, yeah. A 17-minute epic about Chandler. Fuck yeah. How great was that, by the way? At the beginning of this pandemic,

Bob Dylan releasing a 17-and-a-half-minute song about the death of President Kennedy. Just fucking... Incredible. You've got to love him. I just even kind of go, now's the moment. Release it. I fucking loved it. Yeah, now's the moment. Release it. I fucking loved it.

Yeah, that he recorded in like 2010. He's just been sitting on this thing for like fucking ever, right? He's like, right, now is the time. Fuck, I love that song. So good. We got to record a podcast and just keep it on ice until the next pandemic hits. Yeah. Until the next global tragedy.

And then we just release it. Now, look, I've got to bring this up. This is the elephant in the room at least in my head and I'm sure you've covered this, Russell, as well. I know you have but I've got to bring it up

because it's just absolutely, if there's one thing in our wheelhouse, it's absolutely this. The thing that I saw in the news about you in the Sunday Sport, headline being, I've made a Russell Howard sex robot to keep me company during lockdown.

That's right, yeah. Fucking amazing. Eddie, are you over this? Are you during lockdown. That's right, yeah. Fucking amazing. Eddie, are you over this? Are you around this? Wow. Yeah, it's my robot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is you.

Right. It happens on my dad's birthday as well. Oh, wow. It elicited laughter from my dad that I'd never heard. For the people listening at home, it's this kind of very yellow, bug-eyed thing that a bloke has been pounding.

It's an Android. I will, I'll read out the edited highlights. I'll read out the edited highlights if I can. And it names the man and his age that has created this

piece of technology. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terry, Terry Whittam, 65 65 of Wellwyn Garden City. Is that anywhere close to where your mum's house is, Russell? Wellwyn Garden City. No, it's just, it's commuter belt, just sort of near Milton Keynes to be specific. So it's, he's far enough away that I can't hear the cries of the robot.

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Now, the editor highlights is, he said, when the PM announced we were being locked down,

I said to myself, this will be for the long haul, Terry. No more trips down the pub or the bowls club. I will be totally alone. So I decided to make myself a pal, and who better than the wholly inoffensive comic Russell Howard? I decided to make my little Russell anatomicallyically correct although i do not regard myself as gay it struck me that like those chaps in prison i might have to resort to that kind of thing in the absence of anything else and yeah well he's 65 year old bloke well all the action he was getting down the bowls club yeah yeah so there's so many men that look like Russell down at the bowls club.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's just. Hey, he's not gay. He's not gay, he said. No. Yeah, because he's not gay. But the only option in a pandemic lockdown is to make a sex robot of a male comedian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Also, yeah, a robot. It's a sex doll. Yeah. Like, don't a robot, it's a sex doll. Yeah. Like, don't, you're not some horny Einstein. It's just a, what robotic features does this thing have?

Like, what does it add? What robotic features does it add to sex? Yeah. It's just a doll with sort of like a weird version of your head on it. Exactly. Just watch one of my DVDs and have a wank. Just. Yeah.

Right. Right. And blaming this on the. Which is actually the tagline to one of my DVDs and have a wank. Just, yeah. Right, right. And blaming this on the- Which is actually the tagline to one of my shows. But it's just, it's such a weird, what was really odd about that, that that happened, I was in the news for two reasons.

Bear in mind, I've been, because my wife is a doctor, anything I've said at the minute has made it into the national press, which is a real head fuck for her. Like, you know, so then they like,

she's been in newspaper articles. They've dragged up tweets of hers and all this kind of shit. It's just saying, I'm looking forward to my job. And then people are underneath. I suppose you want a fucking round of applause. Do you like really kind of weird. So like photos of my wife in,

in the national paper, very strange. So I went on Lorraine Kelly, which is a morning breakfast show. And for a dare, I had a sip of cider at 9.15 in the morning because I thought it would make my stag group on WhatsApp laugh, right? It was in every single fucking paper.

Like in the UK, people going, oh, he's an alcoholic, yada, yada, yada. So I'm, you know, I'm kind of like, right, doing my best, you know, not to be in the press. Fucking four days later, some bloke makes a fuck robot of me. It's just that weird moment where you go, well, that'll definitely be the oddest headline

that I was accused of being an alcoholic. Like, you know, for having a cider at 9 15 and then suddenly he's made this it looks like did you get the program the raggy dolls in australia yep yeah yeah so raggy dolls dolls like you i mean it's like a cross between the raggy dolls and westworld it's this awful thing and it's it's yellow it's very simpsons it looks like it's yellow it's very Simpsons-esque as well it looks like if there was an episode where Bart became a real boy and did meth and kind of ran out of money to make meth

that would be where he would end up just getting ploughed over and over it's awful so it does so he says he says

like he brings up the prison thing he doesn't regard himself as gay he says I do confess I have indulged a few times I do like the word indulge like he brings up the prison thing. He doesn't regard himself as gay. He says, I do confess I have indulged a few times. Yeah, sure. I do like the word indulge,

like he's pinched a few late night chocolates or something. He has indulged in fucking your fake ass a few times. Oh, this is going to go straight to my hips. Oh, it's a bit naughty, but I've earned it. So he says, I have indulged a few times. It is surprisingly like I imagine anal sex with Russell Howard to be. Mildly disappointing. And limp, like humping a dead puppy. I sort of took offence at that.

But people saying they're imagining what what anal sex with russell how would be and immediately thinking disappointing that's unnecessarily negative and offensive i would yeah it's a funny burn isn't it it's a strange yeah because it's like like what do you want me to prove like but it's also like if this thing isn't pleasuring him properly, that's down to his construction of it. Yeah. And then he's passing that blame on to you. Like, you've somehow possessed this thing and done a shitty job. Imagine if I broke into his house and I...

Replaced yourself. No, no, no. I have to say, I either, I banged the doll and then I banged him. Oh my God. As far as revenge stories go that, I mean, again, this sounds like it could be a good heavy metal song.

Right. Yeah. But I like, I like that. He's like, Oh, it's like prison. You know,

we're all stuck inside. I guess it's like prison. I guess I'll have to fuck my sex robot that I made of Russell Howard. It's like, no, you made the robot. Like you could have made it a woman you're saying you're not gay we'll just make an angelina jolie robot yeah but you you made you're in complete control of the gender of this robot yeah it's but what's what what's great as well is the story that's banding around at the minute in the uk is that we're all in this together no one else has had a fucking sex robot of them made right do you know what i mean i'm the only person with this story

to tell so when i come out of lockdown yeah oh you know that thing when you're you're trying to mind your own business and you you're seeing the national press that someone's made a fuck robot of you lockdown eh like you know it's so weird and but is this guy is this guy aware of the existence of netflix i mean don't get me wrong i miss the pub as much as the next guy but i'm not building a mr bean fuck robot in my life just play playstation for a bit dude there's there's options yeah you can't you can't put your dick in netflix though famously trust me i've tried the amount of television what if you built your own like inflatable tv and put stuck netflix on the front of it and tried to fuck netflix that would be sweet that would be good but what i like even more is that the idea that would be more impressive

though the headline of man invents inflatable tv to fuck russell howard yeah but i also love it's the it's the most fucking Aussie fucking episode of Black Mirror ever. It's fucking working, mate. It's fucking working. Yeah. Love Tiger King. Can't wait for it to fucking bum me.

Just spending hour upon hour trying to pause Netflix to get Russell bent bent over my favorite yeah are you still coming my favorite story about tiger king uh again this made the press over here that um oj simpson said that carol baskin definitely killed her husband and that was in the press over here and when about that it was like like when the fuck did hall of fame criminals start reviewing telly it's just the idea of just kind of news just in fred west thought the end of game of thrones was wank it's just so funny the idea that like when oj steps into debate, that's the equivalent of VAR getting involved. Yes!

You have to respect the authority. Yes! Yes. Yeah, totally. Totally, I love that. It's like OJ seeing Carole Baskin and he's trying to create the Avengers of acquitted murderers. He's showing up and co-opting her and like going around the world

and getting a getting a league of extraordinary gentlemen just ready to go for when this thing's over what i wanted to know is how they found out that somebody must have like in the middle of lockdown you know you're going for your one day you know one shopping trip and going holy shit it's oj simpson it's the the juice like one year i think he got 2,000 yards. OJ, what are you watching on telly? Of all the things you would ask him. You go, what? Are you? Do you reckon she did? What? Paddington 2? I haven't seen it.

No, I do like him, OJ. I do. Fuck it, maybe not. I love the story. I love the story about your sex robot. But the idea also that it was in the Sunday Sport, which I assume by the look of it looks like a bit of a not very reputable publication out there. What I like even more, the story that this story is true,

is the idea that it's not true. Because I just love the idea of someone reverse engineering this story. Like you're just going, fuck, I've got a story, Drew. idea of someone reverse engineering this story like you're just going fuck i've got a story oh what if what if an old bloke what if a pensioner made up a sex robot of russell howard and he bummed it okay all right let's write backwards from there how the fuck do you come up with that story that's almost certainly the case because the sunday sport is entirely fabricated yeah yeah right i i remember and this was probably 20 years ago the headline in the sunday sport being plumber strangled by his own 12 inch nose hair so they just make shit up

and for some reason they've settled on a robot of russell being fucked by an old man you're right but an editor that's tragic an editor's had to make that choice. And sort of, somebody has come up with the, maybe somebody's gone right. Lockdown, sex robot, who? And then they've drawn up a list of names on like a whiteboard,

on like a Zoom chat. And they've gone, let's go Howard. Even worse, they might have had a picture of the fucked up sex doll and then gone, which celebrity does this look like the most? That is true.

Oh, no. That is true, man. No. That must be devastating a little bit to go, to hear the story come out and go, I've got a sex robot. Some old bloke's got a sex robot that he's been bumming every day. And you go, oh, that's nice to be thought of. And then you see Sunday Sports like, ah, fuck, it's not true.

That's a bit depressing. Nice to be thought of. And then you see Sunday sports like, ah, fuck, it's not true. That's a bit depressing. Nice to be thought of? The fuck? How lonely and bereft of self-esteem would you have to be if you happened upon a story of an old man ploughing an Android version of you and going, I guess I'm popular. Well, well to be fair i am looking at you in your childhood bedroom so it doesn't look out of place at the moment i'll tell you how much you'd have to be two australians hosting a podcast yeah

yeah that's how lonely and bereft of self-esteem you'd have to be to us we're like that actually sounds pretty cool we could we'd get fucking a week months worth of it if anyone wants one we will build some for you if you want some of me and tommy we will build them yeah yeah why do you volunteer a cast for the why do you build a kappa sex robot oh and you basically record uh get a traditional sex robot, shove some hair on it, and then put like a recording of Kappa going, oh, there's a crack, oh, there's one. And it's like it's brand new, it's just off the assembly line,

it already stinks, and you're like, that's weird, this is new. Well, the thing with the real Kpper is that it's so hard to believe that he's an actual human being that he almost just qualifies as his own sex robot. Yeah, it's a wonder the council hasn't given him a job as a sex robot at the moment instead of counting cracks. Hey, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club.

Russell and Ed, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you. We're fucking ending it with this image of my robot, me being fucking nailed. Of your robot rectum being absolutely ploughed, yes. Well, how do you top that?

But you've got... You've said a mouthful there, Carl. Ed, you've got your podcast you've got Off Menu with James Acaster that is very popular down under yeah is anyone is anyone fucking you up the arse Ed

that's very Off Menu Off Menu yeah I do it's a food podcast with James Acaster and I do another podcast called Life

it's about heavy metal actually which is on Spotify as well oh nice excellent nice Russ you've got

your own show in the UK I'm not sure if the whole show is available to Australian listeners I mean we've got plenty of English

listeners I've got my tour dates have come out as well so my oh yes my first gigs my first gigs will be in January 2021 because they've been rearranged. And in Australia, I'm in Sydney on the 29th and the 30th.

And then I'm in Australia pretty much all of February. So fingers crossed. Nice. That's great. Because you know what? Last year when we came to London and we did shows with you, Russ, and we came and saw Liverpool and we had a drink with you after, I basically got those tickets through someone who listened to the show,

who knew someone, who knew someone, who knew someone. And the guy that got us the tickets was like a fan of yours. And I sort of said, I'll get your tickets to his show when he comes to Melbourne. And it was like a full year away and then it's been postponed to another year away and whatever and I just keep texting this guy who I've never met, some old bloke that I just keep saying, look

he's coming back, he's gonna I'll get you those tickets and I just keep being in touch with him You know me it's become a regular thing whenever I'm on this show that I like to lay down a challenge so it's on the 9th whenever I'm on this show that I like to lay down a challenge. So it's on the 9th or the 8th of February.

I'd very much like you to come to those shows dressed as my sex doll. I'd like you to sit next to that man and watch the show. Oh, great. Now, it just clicked in my head. It's some old bloke. This could be the bloke that's been your robot already. Yeah, great. Incredible. Now, it just clicked in my head. It's some old bloke.

This could be the part of your robot already. Yeah, yeah. All right, I'll text him. I'll text him. He's still coming to the show, but he has to sit next to me dressed as Bart Simpson on me. Exactly. Exactly.

Great. Great. Well, that was a lot of fun. Yeah. Thanks, guys. Thanks for joining us thanks guys for listening at home

and we'll see you next time see you mates and they've done it again governor oh the uh you think bit of racism there oh is it

are you doing the voice I am doing the voice yeah doing the eyes as well. They're surrounded by pale skin. Right, right, right. I wondered what that stereotype was that I was looking at. Yep, yep.

Yeah, I was very offended for them. The thing that I was somehow managing to do. Yep. Yeah, that thing that you do where your face is white. Yeah, I got a bit of powder out and uh made the made the skin around my eyes a little bit more pale for that yeah i noticed that that that eight percent change in pigment that was very funny stuff um yeah absolutely done it again um wow big thanks to our international guests for uh for taking time out of their busy schedule um sitting on their

fucking art no no lovely of them. Very, very lovely of them. It's gotten a little bit weird now with doing the show over Skype because as we mentioned in the episode, you and I are now doing these in the same rooms because a little while ago we would do these, we'd have some overseas guests, and we would all be sort of in the same boat basically every country in the

world was in similar lockdown but now australia's sort of starting to creep a little bit ahead in terms of easing the restrictions for now so now it's like we get on skype with these guys yeah or zoom sorry it kind of feels like we're rubbing it in they there was a bit before we started recording there was a bit of jealousy happening there. There was a little bit of the green-eyed monster on display. It feels weird. It feels like, yeah. I felt like they sort of wanted to dob us in a little bit.

I know. It's like, mate, we've got our own rules over here. You fucked it over there. We haven't fucked it too bad here. I mean, I kind of feel like I can't really blame them. If I was invited onto another show and we were still, we couldn't see anyone. And then I tune in. I get on the call.

It's just these two cunts in the one window. I'd be hating it. I'd be fucking hating it. We were apart. But you weren't sitting on my lap or anything like that. I'm certainly not talking to you through a 10-second delay, as was the case when we were doing this in four separate windows yes exactly with my um very very quick wi-fi that i've got at my house

fucking hell um but yeah look there was a bit of edge to start with the game the game has changed there's a little bit of uh you guys you guys all right over there? Are you going to, is this what's happening? Well, for now we are. Yeah. You know, they're probably looking at us like thinking, you know, this country, I reckon we'll probably fuck it and we'll be back inside before too long. And then they've stayed the course and played it very safe and they'll be back to normal before we are.

Who knows? I mean, who knows? Who knows? They could be, they could have the last laugh. I don't know. I don't know. I think, look, if you think we're going to fuck it, I think they've certainly got it in them to fuck it again as well,

even when they're being safe and locked down. I agree. I mean, look, what this boils down to is that every single human being on the face of God's green earth is a stupid cunt and will almost definitely fuck it at some point. My potential new accountant will fuck it. Yes. That's for sure. Oh, yeah.

You'll be getting too close to all the numbers. You'll, like, fucking pollute all the threes and the sevens. Yeah, it'll be all over. All that stuff. Anyone trying to use a three and a seven. Anyone trying to fucking, you know, be all over. All that stuff. Anyone trying to use a three and a seven? Anyone trying to fucking... Add up to ten. Get a 21.

Trying to multiply. Fucking be an all-sauce. Three and seven, good combo. You can get to 21. You can get to ten. Thank you. You can get to... Close to numbers.

You can get to four. There's a lot going on between those two. Just depending on what little symbol you put in the middle. Depends what you're into. You've got a lot going on between those two Just depending on what you What little symbol you put in the middle Depends what you're into You've got a lot of different options there There's no better combo of numbers than the three and the seven There's no better I think, you know

That's where my comedy instincts kicked in I was like, you know Seven's a good funny number, I think Three's the classic comedy number The rule of three The rule of, yeah Seven's a good funny number, I think. Three's the classic comedy number. The rule of three. The rule of, yeah. Seven might be the funniest sounding number in single digits. It's so funny that it's...

Tell me a funnier digit than that. I don't reckon you can. I don't reckon you can. Well, you know, sometimes it's about the phonetics of the words that are around it. But I will say this about Seven. It's such a funny number that its humour value has not in any way been decreased by its association with a brutal horror movie. You're right.

That was named after the number. Now, you would think in comedy terms that for PR, that should have been the death knell for that number. That should have been like no one's ever using seven in a comedy sketch ever again. But you know what? It bounced back. It persevered. No, you're right.

You're right. It's so funny. People just disregarded all the fucking Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a fucking box. Or maybe it amplified the humour. Maybe they made it funnier, actually. And if you're enjoying this kind of riff that is born of two people who haven't really gone outside or had much of a life in the last two months, you might enjoy... And at least one person who didn't eat dinner and has had a few too many beers off the back

of it. You may enjoy tuning in to our live stream, live Little Dumb Dumb Club over Zoom happening on Saturday, May the 30th, Australian time. Well, yeah. Eastern seaboard time? It's going to be Saturday wherever you're tuning in. Yeah, it is. You're right.

I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Different parts of the day. But there will be more information about that available online by the time you hear this. But we are doing it. But there will be more information about that available online by the time you hear this. But we are doing it.

We're doing it again in cyberspace. Is that your favourite seaboard, the Eastern? What are my options? The Western Seaboard. But what's that? I guess just all of Western Australia, I guess. Just Perth? I guess.

Well, you know, there's a lot more places in Western Australia than just Perth. Name one. Broome. Is that in there? Fuck, he's got me there. That wasn't super confident. That was lucky. If you asked for a third one, I don't think I could give you one.

And yeah, if you were listening and didn't know the layout of my apartment, you could assume that that was just a thing where you had just looked into the corner of my house and seen cleaning apparatus. But yeah, the Western Seaboard, it's pretty hard to go past a nice Perth beach. You know what? I've only ever been to one Perth beach and it was fucking amazing. You're right. Yeah. I spent a little bit of time in Fremantle at the start of the year,

a trip I very nearly didn't take. I was very on the fence about whether I should go and do it, whether I could justify the time. And now, boy, oh boy, am I fucking glad I did that instead of staying home to work on my Melbourne International Comedy Festival 2020 show. It is. you know what look it'll be interesting with uh overseas travel where we won't be allowed to do it and for how long who knows but the whole idea of okay well stay in australia take your holidays in australia do stuff

like fuck it's not a bad little assignment oh you know i haven't traveled in Australia as much as I should have. Like, and I just hear the words of my father in my ears where I was always, whenever I would talk about going overseas, he'd be like, why would you want to do that when you haven't even seen Australia yet? To which I'd be like, shut up, Dad. I'll do what I fucking want. And then I would. But now I'm thinking, well, if I have to do it, that actually sounds pretty good.

Like, there's so much I haven't done. Yeah. and then I would. But now I'm thinking, well, if I have to do it, it actually sounds pretty good. There's so much I haven't done. I've recently got into my head, I've never been to Uluru. Oh, yeah. And I think I should. Take a big old walk all over it. Just take a big old piss off the top of it. Hell, yeah.

Like Calvin in those bumper stickers I've seen. Exactly, exactly. Bring a BMX, do a fucking jump of it. Hell yeah. Like Calvin in those bumper stickers I've seen. Exactly. Bring a BMX. Do a fucking jump off it. That's great. Calvin and Hobbes down under. And you just shrink that bootleg bumper sticker off to just have him pissing off Uluru. Yeah, yeah.

I am fortunate enough to have gone and seen Uluru with the guest on this episode. Yes. Russell Howard. We went and did the Melbourne Comedy the guest on this episode, Russell Howard. We went and did the Melbourne Comedy Festival Roadshow, Must Be Nice, together. And we got the festival organised for us to get a little private plane,

a little PJ, down to Old Uluru, take a little stroll around it. And it was fucking magnificent. That was also the trip where I met Fiona o'loughlin for the first ever time really yeah we've talked about that uh i think so yeah we went and did one so we did two nights in darwin and then two nights in alice springs and i believe fiona was still

living in alice springs i'd never met her i was 20 years old she came to the gig and then we went to a bar that she owned. Now, make a joke out of that one, smart guy. Is this true? Yeah. I've never even heard that before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She owned a bar. Yeah, maybe it was a restaurant.

But we went there for a drink afterwards and then ended up at her house, a bunch of us, having kick-ons afterwards. And then the next day we i think we went around there for breakfast in the morning and we kind of just like drove around in the desert with her and her kids and stuff it was fucking great now i uh very quickly uh bernie kicked a big one but so um i know there's some people that are just wondering about that. Yeah, he kicked one over fucking Uluru. Yeah, great. So reading about Russell Howard, you know, we were coming in there.

You know, we've got international guests. We did a bit of extra research, a bit more than normal. I was reading about this. Now, you did Roadshow with Russell Howard way back, the first time he was ever on our show. We did talk extensively about that. Yeah, 2007, which was the first time he'd come out to this country. Yeah.

Now, he wasn't – he's a mega star now. Like, if you looked at anything, if you just have a cursory glance over what's happening in Russell Howard world, he's fucking huge, right? But back then, he wasn't, which is why he was fucking going to Fiona O'Loughlin's restaurant in Alice Springs. Yes. He wasn't that big and, you know, that gig doesn't pay. He had enough heat on the UK circuit

that he was enough of a commodity for the Melbourne Comedy Festival to want to bring him out. And then I went to Edinburgh that year and he was kicking. I wentburgh that year and he was he was kicking i went to his show over there and he was like big on the live circuit over there he'd done a bunch of tv like spots on things like on the panel shows and stuff like none of his own stuff but he was you know you can get you can get a bit of a rep on the live circuit there like pretty early on i remember thinking like oh this guy is like a bigger deal over here than i maybe thought based on him being in australia because at the he had a a he had a

merch desk at his edinburgh show and you could buy women's underwear with like his like name and face on them on the crotch the fuck have we not talked about that? Jesus Christ. So I was kind of like, okay, I guess there's something to this guy over here. Now, why I said all that stuff is because I feel like maybe what you're describing there, maybe by the time he got back there, things heat up a bit more, whatever. But according to his IMDB page, his second ever appearance on TV

is in Australia. Really? While he was here for all of that stuff, I assume. Okay. On something called Bert's Family Feud. Okay. Which is obviously just Family Feud, but Bert Newton hosted it. But what I particularly love is that it was obviously like a comedian's edition or whatever.

Yep. So, Russ made his second ever appearance on TV as part of Family Feud with Fiona O'Loughlin and Greg Fleet. Awesome. Just awesome. Fucking hell. That's sick. Just, what are the questions? What are the questions on Family Feud?

Name something your team member wants. Yeah. $20. Yeah. Survey says, can I have $20? Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That is the top response. That is the only response.

Yeah, well, I remember Russ getting – apologies if we talked about this on the first time he was on the show with him, but he turned down the offer to get the light plane around Uluru because he was tired. Yes, you did talk about that. I do remember that. He got bullied relentlessly on the final couple nights because it's like, come on, man.

I'm with him. The goal for my whole life is don't get on a light plane. Really? Yeah. Interesting. Sounds too light to start with. That sounds bad, a light plane. No, I want fucking something sturdy.

And it's the old thing of you never hear about a light aircraft until it's on the news because it crashed. What if they told you that that was now the only way that you could get to kosamui oh it would be a fucking genuine struggle honestly you'd get the boat you'd get a ferry yeah i think so i think so i'm i'm back onto um samui seems so far away at the moment. It seems pretty, uh, depressing. All the, all the webcams that I'm still looking at, that used to be my, my bright light, my, my light at the end of the tunnel. Yep.

You know, check out the Koh Samui webcams, um, see a bit of fun happening. Man, there's no fun happening over there. I was actually thinking about this the other day so it's especially somewhere like kosamui where main street's just done like closed down yeah so what are people doing like what are people doing for fucking income i mean i guess you could say that about many places in the world but their respect you know there's no fucking job keeper yeah well i think well look from what i've gathered that that main street in kosa miwi where we would walk up and down that's very much a tourist street so it's like well there's there's a lot of non-essentials

happening there because that's that's pretty much just sort of aimed at tourists so for people that live on that island there's plenty of other places to fucking buy stuff and buy food and all that sort of thing. Yeah, but I mean, if you're like a family that that's your whole thing, you run a restaurant down there. Yeah. What do you do? There's no backup. There's no like, hey, okay, we're doing takeaways only.

Man, I know a guy, I know a guy, like a guy from Australia. I know a guy that is, he's sort of living my dream. He's like, he's in his 50s and I don't think he's got any family or, you know, um, certainly no wife or direct family. And your dream, as you've just put on record,

double dream. Yep. Um, he is decided to sort of stick it out in Phuket. Okay. Um, and he's like, um, like um i've donated to him because he was putting up a lot of stuff about look he's a lot of people waiting for food he's a lot of people

like lining up in the morning waiting for like donations donating food and whatever so there's i think there's a lot of people in that position. How do you know this guy? Best man at your wedding over there? Which wedding? He's a guy that used to come to a lot of comedy when I ran that comedy night in St Kilda. Felix Barr comedy. Oh, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like a bit of a bar fly down there.

What a lateral move, St Kilda to Phuket. He's really into yachting and stuff like that. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was just a... He loves grotty beaches and just fucking disgusting English backpackers. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, you know what's killing me? The inconsistent climate on this beach. Man, you know what? Phuket's probably the sister city of St Kilda. Yeah, yeah. Pretty much. You know, it's like, you know, oh, it's the third of disease. You walk down St Kilda Beach, maybe you step on a syringe.

Well, it's like, you know, that's child's Beach maybe you step on a syringe well it's like you know that's child's play you go to Phuket that's that's where the real risk takers like to go yeah he was he was um he put up a video today where it was like he just did a thing where he just drove through Phuket um through the like the crazy bits and just there was literally no one on the streets really I mean that's very touristy too, but I would have thought, yeah, I mean, something about it not, it's still being, because Phuket, is Phuket, wait, is Phuket an island? No. No.

So Phuket's still mainland. So it's like Koh Samui, I really thought it being an island would be maybe a bit more fucked in terms of like, purely in terms of like the locals and it being big time tourist economy no one can no one can get there yeah so yeah there's no tourists there's no tourists um phuket is also it's it's it's look yeah it's not isolated but the only reason to be there in that main bit is if you're a tourist like yeah for sure like normal normal people that live there aren't fucking hanging out in these dirty fucking ping pong you know bars and stuff like that yeah yeah it's good the one local that's just like yeah it's like it's like living in melbourne and just like favorite pub the young and jackson yeah yeah yeah opposite flinders

street station exactly why would you drink anywhere else exactly you get a view of the best train station in the city that you live in man what more could you want the um the webcams that i watch there's the the old school classic one that i that's outside of tropical murphy's and they've turned it there's even a little note on that webcam now where they've deliberately they've had to respond to like a lot of feedback because they've changed the angle of the camera. So I've had to make a thing because people have asked why has the angle changed. Interesting.

And it's obviously because the bar's not open anymore. The webcam is still alive, but the bar's not open. So they've just like angled it away so no one's looking at this empty bar. If you think you're any better than the people who obsess over train timetables and like sit outside the airport

and like track outside the airport and like track when the planes are taking off you're kidding yourself sitting in a community that fires up about the angle that a camera's pointing at is that's that's modern train spotting yeah it truly is yeah i'll cop it it's like all those people standing on the platforms yeah you know that's like such that's in my head that's such a 70s thing like deep train spotting it's like there must have been some of them like i wish i could do this with anything other than trains yeah i wish there was something else that filled this impulse yeah to just know what's kind of going on in the world yeah that i'm not necessarily engaging directly in yeah maybe one

day they'll invent a thing but for now yeah the 7 747 to Mordialloc is pulling up. Look, I don't want to be a train spotter, but the 747 is not going to land at Mordialloc. I don't know how that's going to happen. What do you mean? The 747 to Mordialloc? Oh, I thought you meant the plane. No, no, no.

I'm a guy. In that riff, I was a character. I was on the platform at Flinders Street Station. You were the train guy. Now, of course, there will be someone listening to this going, there's no 747 to Mordialloc. There's a 741 and there's a 753. Yeah.

This cunt doesn't know what he's talking about. A lot going on in this roof. Probably a decent percentage of our listeners that are wired that way. The webcams have expanded, though, in Koh Samui. There's a few more. There's this one guy that's doing all the webcams in Koh Samui that's responsible for all of them, and he put one at the airport.

I don't know if I talked about this on the pod, but he put one at the airport. For a while, it was like, cool, there's now an airport webcam an airport webcam and just seeing planes land and take off like facing the tarmac yeah okay and you're seeing that happen and then like i watched that for a couple weeks going oh this is different and then very suddenly it was like oh yeah that's illegal that's yeah of course you can't do that that's the only it's like the laws are all the same. It's just how long it will take them to catch you and say something about it. That's the only difference. This guy literally just hung a webcam over the back of someone's house and went,

can I just do this and film the planes? And this guy's like, do whatever you want. And then the government found that out and went, what the fuck is going on? This is not secured in any way. You can't be filming planes i have thought that when i've gotten a cab to the airport in kosamui that it's like you basically loop around the tarmac it's just like a small chain link fence yeah and just thought man you could just drive this cab into that fence and knock it over yeah and get me direct onto the

plane from here if you want it yeah it feels it's like let me out here i'll just hop this thing yeah and you know there's the web the webcam there's a webcam that um is just that sort of hooters and that's the saddest bit of all because i just keep well i mean a the saddest bit is me just keep checking the the webcam you're not even in a hooters yeah you're looking at the i'm looking at a closed hooters yeah that's the sad the outside of a closed yeah yeah it's if you think hooters are sad look at a closed hooters this is like a country song yeah watching the webcam of a closed hooters man seriously it's no good and then today i looked at it today and uh it was open up again. And I was like, I genuinely felt better.

Oh, Bob's are back. Looking at an open Hooters in Koh Samui. So that's wild though. No tourists. Yeah. But they're just for the love of the game. They just got Hooters back open. They're just getting ready.

They're just getting ready.'re just getting ready i think they're just you know i think planes are starting to land there maybe next week ah okay from other bits of thailand maybe not from you know you know other countries so i guess it's that thing where a lot of people are just starting to you know maybe clean up their stalls and you know disinfect everything and you know look the the waitresses are just starting to sort of get them out again and just get used to you know wearing very tight tops and yep showing their midriffs off and stuff like that they're just you know going through the motions getting ready for the tourists to come in so um so that's all it's all um very exciting but

you know look hopefully all the rue Uluru gets a webcam or something soon so I can check that out and figure out when I want to go there. Yeah. Hey, let's speed this up because it's late at night and I've got to edit. We didn't mention this on the air, but we're doing this mere hours before it goes out. So I've got to sit up now and get this bullshit put together. How long have we done this for already?

Too long? 25 minutes. All right. We can't do this for too long all right all right so um thank you to everyone for joining up to the patreon uh keeps this show alive literally um appreciate that if you go to patreon.com slash a little dum-dum club you'll get all bonuses especially at the moment um with all of you poor little fuckheads in lockdown essentially all around the world. If you're looking for extra content, this is where you get a baby.

And also, you keep us fed. So thank you very much for that. Of course, part of it is getting your little names read out at random, thanks to the unplanned title, Alternator, the most securest piece of technology that I've got control of at the moment. Someone put a little bit of technology on my computer the other day because I was just being a fuckhead. I brought it into a shop and now it just keeps coming up and saying,

everything's not secure. I shouldn't go to any website now. So now I don't think I should go on the internet anymore. It keeps saying everything's unsecure. But, I mean, it says everything that you are looking at is unsecure. Yeah. So talk me through your day. First website you open up.

All right, let's get back to the Patreon, Reed. All right, thank you to Patreon subscriber, first cap off the rank, Francis Alford. Oh, really, really was hoping for Ford Coppola. No. Had a good feeling about it. Had a really good feeling about it. Francis Alford Cop Oh, really, really was hoping for Ford Coppola. No. Had a good feeling about it. Had a really good feeling about it. Francis Alford Coppola. Fuck. I didn't even notice that. Yeah, that's good.

It's Frances. It's not Frances. Frances. So it's female. Multiple Frances. Multiple countries. Multiple surrender monkeys, as it were. Yeah.

So you think we're dealing with a Francesca? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what that is? I guess that. Is that always the shortening? I think so. Is it? Yeah, I believe so.

Frances doesn't just exist as a name like that? I don't know. Right. I'd say it was, look, it's probably a common abbreviation, but it's, yeah, we're dealing with a female listener. Pretty cool. Wow. It's the first time for everything.

Pretty cool. We're not, we must be doing something right in here. What's the, what's the surname again? Alford. A-L-F-O-R-D. Alford. I believe she is someone that's been to the Coastal Movie International Podcast Festival. Speaking of.

Okay. Speaking of. Frankie Alf. Taking a bit of a trip. Frankie A. Frankie A. Like I said, there's a lot of Koh Samui webcams popping up. There's now some popping up in Copenhagen, which I'm a massive fan of.

The Final Frontier. The Island of Cross. They didn't have any before. Now they've got a couple. Don't mind me. And is this the same guy that's running the Koh Samui? Yes. All right.

Interesting. Spreading out. Satellite operation. that's running the Kosa Mui. Yes. All right. Interesting. Spreading out.

Satellite operation. Hopping on a little boat with his little rucksack full of Logitech Pro cameras ready to set him up. And this guy, I'm sure I've probably told you about this. This guy, he just keeps popping ones up

and you go, what's he doing this for? It's like you're just tracking everything that's happening within a, you know, 200 kilometer distance. He sells ad space on the pages, doesn't he? Isn't that what's going on?

How much money can you make off that? It shows all of these webcams. The way you describe it, it sounds like a pretty vibrant community. People are kicking off when the angle gets changed. Yeah, I know. There's a lot of people watching these things. But I feel like it's like you're saying, it's like Trainspotters. It's like me and a bunch of other fucking idiots, but not too many. You're not saying, for example, Trainspotters.

Oh, there's a million of them out there. No, no, no. There's just these hardcore ones. Yeah, but I'll tell you this. The one time I've been onto one of these pages, the pop-up banner ad I saw was for a thing that I'd never heard of before called an unplanned title alternator. Oh. This sophisticated piece of technology

that makes so that you put names in and then it just randomly spits them out okay and then lo and behold a week later you're like hey you know we've been looking for a way to make the patreon names completely random i can't remember where i heard about this but there's this piece of technology that's apparently meant to be really great so you know he makes one sale off that okay you know it's it's kind of all worthwhile this This guy might even own the company. Right. The UTA company. We don't know.

Right, right. Okay, that makes sense. That makes sense. But this guy, I emailed him. This guy I emailed. I emailed him a couple of years ago. Are you hiring? No.

No. Do you need anyone to go polish the cameras, Are you hiring? No. Do you need anyone to go polish the cameras, come over and like suck you off and be your personal sex slave? Very free all of a sudden. Very free.

I asked him if he'd put up a camera at the Coastal Mill International Podcast Festival. Oh, yeah. You did tell me this. Yeah. Like a temporary camera. And he's like, what the fuck would I do that for? I'm like, what the fuck would you do any of this for? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, it sort of annoyed me a fair bit.

You've got to ask him some more questions. We've got to get a bit more info on what this guy's... Yeah. What his vibe is. What's his 10-year plan? Ask him that. We left it. Remember when we did the show for the Koh Samui radio station?

And we sort of left it go. Remember, we did a show from there. Yes. It got uploaded to the Koh Samui, whatever it was, Koh Samui FM. Yeah. And then he asked us to just come back and do other shows, which we just sort of ignored. Yeah, that guy.

So the person who ran the radio station, it's a digital radio station. We recorded an hour of content and he just put it on the air. First of all, their site crashed when all of our people tried to listen to it live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And did we ever put, did we put it out on the Patreon? I can't remember. But anyway, we kind of wanted it to be just like a tune-in, like live kind of fun thing.

And then the whole way through, he's like, oh, yeah, and maybe this could be a thing where when you're back in Australia, you can just like keep doing these and sending them to me. And we're just like, why? Yeah. Why would we do that? Yeah. I mean, we could have just sent him the EPS, I guess.

Yeah. Or he could just get them and put them on. Yeah, I like the idea that he just like, you know, his whole radio station crashed and he's like, that's a good thing. Yeah, yeah. This guy's fucked my operation up. That's cool. And I really had it in my head when we said we wanted to do it that it was an actual like 93.6 Samui FM.

Yeah. Not just listening to it on the internet. Yes. That's what we already do. That was the goal. That was it. I had it in my head. I was like, I want people driving to work.

Yes. Going down Beach Road. Yeah. You know, going to work at Mr. Crab and just hearing a little bit of us before they, you know, had to go in there. Now that we're saying it out loud, it's insane that that's how we thought it worked. Yes. Drop the fucking billy lids off at Crash. Yeah.

And also, I was really trying to fantasize what a Koh Samui radio station would look like as well. Yes, yeah. Just Flintstones style. Just us with a couple of coconut shells over our ears. Yeah, we thought we'd be able to go in there. Yeah. Yeah, we were really excited about that. Yeah.

And he was like, I had this fantasy in my head that it would be like week-long residency. Yeah. like i had this like fantasy in my head that it'd be like week-long residency yeah so we just we're just basically we just get out there a little bit early before the podcast festival and then instead of having to like worry about organizing shows every night that's like we're just we're just staying somewhere just getting up doing an hour of radio and just kicking back for the rest of the day and also i was thinking you know we do like the midday shift or something. And just thinking of all the hundreds of people that come to the festival. And they're all lounging in the pool.

And all of a sudden, you know, the Tommy and Carl shows cracked on. Yeah. And it's like being played on loudspeakers around there. And just thinking of everyone around the pool going, fuck yes. Great. Glad we just went to another country to listen to radio. This is actually awesome. Yeah. We could have had like Dr. Carr pop in on Fridays.

Yeah. Right. Thanks, Francis. I rooted a girl on the beach last night, Dr. Carr. Do you think I have chlamydia? Long-winded 25-minute answer. Yeah, not getting the joke. Yeah.

Okay. Thanks, Francis. Thanks, Francis. Thanks for coming. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, this is a slightly difficult one, but I've decided this person didn't give their last name. But they did include where they work. And I thought, you know what?

I'm going to throw them a bone. I'm going to name where they work. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Is that throwing them a bone? A little bit. Okay. You know, it's an ad for where they work. Okay.

Right, right, right. Yeah. Well, a little bit. Okay. You know, it's an ad for where they work. Okay, right, right, right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Chris at Digital Emotions Creative. Very nice. Yeah.

I thought it was going to be like you going, you know what, they didn't include their last name, but I did a bit of research. I found out their address, so I'm going to throw them a bone and read out where they live. That's a cool bone. Digital Emotions Creative. Okay. D- a cool bone. Digital emotions creative. Okay.

D-E-C. This is like, this just sounds like a very like, just like 2020 kind of, you know, this could be anything. Well, I'll tell you what it is. Okay. It's because I did a bit of, a little bit of research. Did a little Google. By research, I mean just clicked on their website.

It sounds pretty fruity, doesn't it? Digital emotions. Let me ask you this. When you clicked that website, did that suspicious, did that little, did that plug in fire up and go, digital emotions? I'll tell you what it did go, when I tried to check my own email, they're like, I wouldn't go near here. I'm like, this is my fucking email it's my email let me in um it took me a while to get in my email um so digital emotions creative sounds sounds pretty cool you get on the website and look chris i believe doesn't own this place he must just like work there um now he it shows a bit of clients i'm like all right i want to i want

to see who digital emotions creative is working for i think i look i think it's a hundred percent spanish clients it was all like they did a bit of work for uh severe fc which is a major spanish football club a bit of work for Spanish McDonald's. Like it was all Spanish stuff and I'm like, what the fuck's going on here? And then I checked down. Where's this Digital Emotions Creative based? Guess.

Spain? No, Newcastle. What the fuck's going on here? I don't know. I think they've got like a Spanish owner and for some reason he can't attract any New South Wales clients. Yeah. So he's living in fucking Newcastle and he's just gone, ah, fuck it. a spanish owner and for some reason he can't attract any new south wales clients yeah living in fucking newcastle and just gone ah fuck it all right we'll just keep going with fucking

anything yeah in el taco yeah do you think it's fucking do you think it's brutal working there like the work day starts at you know 7 p.m oh yeah you don't finish until like five in the morning yeah yeah just just maybe chris is like a door-to-door salesman just walk around newcastle begging anyone oh the crown and anchor pub can you play is there any any work going here no fuck okay i guess we're gonna have to keep working for some some Barcelona restaurant. And then what this also says is how bad are all the creative agencies over in Spain? Yeah. If you're running a tapas restaurant and you're like, you know what? We've got to go with this place in Newcastle.

None of these fucking idiots around the corner are up to doing the job of advertising our new menu. Maybe if Digital Emotions Creative want to do a bit of pro bono work for our little dum-dum club, they can whack it up on their podcast and finally have an Australian client. Okay. And start to go, you know, instead of them sort of, you know, walking around Newcastle going, you know, hire us, look at this work we did for fucking Real Madrid.

It's like, what the fuck are you talking about, cunt? Yep. Oh, well, I guess we've done something for Little Dumb Dog. Yes. This podcast. Some great Australian work. It's popular. It has a lot of clout.

Yeah. Other people are going to sign on. Yeah. When they see that you've got us on the webpage. We did a show in Newcastle. We did a live show in Newcastle last year. We had a lot of people come. Chris, I know you're contributing already to the Patreon,

but maybe maybe you know do a bit of digital creating contributing I know you're so ashamed of listening to this that you didn't want to put your surname

on your Patreon description but go into your boss's office yep and you know tell him that tell him that the little dum-dum club will happily

accept some free labour from your company or at the very least sneak some sort of reference to us on the Spanish McDonald's website. Yes. That would be good. Yes, there you go.

I was in Spain exactly this time last year. Oh, really? Really makes you think, doesn't it? It does make me think. I've never been to Spain and it's one of the places I'd like to go. I fucking loved it. And it's one of the places I'd like to go. I fucking loved it.

I had no expectation whatsoever. And just kind of booked it in at the end of my trip. It's like, you know what? A couple of little extra days there. Surprise me. Said that to my travel agent. And he was like, you know what? Listen to the pod.

Know a little bit about what you're into and kind of stuff you like. And sort of vibe you're going for with other places. I reckon you'd love Barcelona. He was bang on the money. I had a fucking ball of a time over there. I wouldn't mind it. Thanks, Chris. Must be nice. Thanks, Chris.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber J. Silbernagle. Okay. Now, are we talking J-A-Y or just initial? J-A-Y. Love that. Like your mate? J-A-Y Love that Like your mate Mm-hmm Silbernagle like your other mate

Silber Silbernagle S-I-L-B-E-R-N-A-G-E-L Silbernagle Is that it? Silbernagle? I presume that's it Silbernagle

Silbernagle Oh, maybe Silbernagle It's probably Silbernagle Sil... Sil... Silbernagle Silbernagle Yeah, Silbernagle I like that better than Silbernagel. Silbernagel. Oh, maybe Silbernagel. It's probably Silbernagel. Silbernagel. Silbernagel. Yeah, Silbernagel.

I like that better than Silbernagel. That's very... Because you sort of break... It's like you're breaking it into two words. I feel a bit amateur saying Silbernagel. It feels like very... It feels a bit unprofessional. It feels a bit amateur.

It feels a bit... Like Silbernagel sounds a bit unprofessional. It feels a bit amateur. It feels a bit like Silbernagel sounds a bit sophisticated. Yes. If I wrote a sketch about someone called J. Silbernagel, I'd have someone at the start going, is this J. Silbernagel? Yeah. And he'd be a fucking idiot.

You're right. You're right. Yeah. It's like a comic book character who's like in the world of the show, he's famous. Yeah. And then there's someone going, Silbernagle, you fucking dolt. But what a life. Silbernagle, Silbernagle, whatever it is, you've had some fucking,

you've had a few pain in the ass moments over the years. It's a tongue twister for sure. It's no fun. Absolute ruddy tongue twister. You've been given more work than you needed. The point of having names is to make it easier for everyone. This has just made it a bit harder

for someone, I think. You've got unlimited letters and just do whatever you want with it. Dude. Imagine a world with no names. That's cool. That's cool, dude. I'm with you.

Just a lot of work. Maybe that's why he's gone with such a simple first name. Although maybe there's an argument to be made that spelling J by going J-A-Y is a bit overcomplicated where you can just literally use the letter J. I mean, in the case of the lead singer of the world's, you know, undeniably one of the great pop bands of the modern era.

Oh, you mean Dinosaur Jr. Jay Maskus, the lead singer? Yeah. Right, okay. No, but JK. So he's got the double barrel of that. Right. Where he frequently just signs himself off.

Just two letters. Because his last name is K, K-A-Y. Is he not just, maybe he's just joking. So you go, you say to him, can I have your autograph? And he writes JK. He's like, just kidding, as if I'd give you my fucking autograph. That's actually not bad. If that went around the fan community, it's like...

My name's Graham Alford. That going around the fan community of like, man, if you ask his autograph, if he likes you, he'll sign a J-A-Y-K-A-Y. Yeah, yeah. But if you just get a straight up two letters J-K, he was pulling the piss. Yeah. He fucking hated you and didn't want you to have his autograph. Yeah, why is this J-K-C?

That's a joking cunt. He really hated you. J-K-L-O-L. Thanks, J. Thanks, J. Let us know what the fuck's going on With the surname Thank you to

Patreon subscriber Callie Robertson Callie or Callie I said Callie Callie Callie I didn't just adopt

A new accent Just for this name That's why I had to ask Yeah yeah I've never heard of Such a thing And it sounded To my ears

Quite peculiar Now that That's got to be an abbreviation for something. C-A-L-L-Y. I don't know what. I don't know what for. Kelly. Kelly. It raises questions.

It doesn't answer any, apart from the question, what is your name? It's nailed that one. Yeah. It's caused confusion, but it's technically answered it. I don't mind it. It's confusing, but it's one of those good confusions where I'm like, is it? Okay.

All right. Yeah. Okay. I agree. There's nothing like when I'm kind of scratching my head a bit, my brow's a bit flummoxed, and then I go, you know what, though? This is one of the good confusions where I'm actually really enjoying this.

It's not one of those ones where you just throw your hands up in the air and go, what the fuck is this? It's a bit of like, oh. I think the negative type of confusion is supermarket confusion. Which fucking aisle is this in? I'm looking for a source. I'm in the sources aisle. This kind of a thing is nowhere to be seen.

Where the fuck? And then you ask someone, they're like, oh, it's over there in the fucking cereal aisle. Do you know what my, all right, good point, good subject that you've brought up here. And this raises something I've thought for a long time most confusing position for a item in the supermarket this is something that I am always having to deal with name the item yes and I'll tell you where I think I'd get it. What aisle I think I'd get it in. Okay.

Hollandaise sauce. Hmm. Now, I've gone to buy it before, so I've been in this position, trying to think what I've seen it near. Now, it's not really a spread. I guess I'd be looking for it around kind of the mustards and mayonnaises kind of area. Sure, but who the fuck knows where that is? Now, look, I don't know whether they deliberately do it, but I feel like in every supermarket, there's a different game plan for it.

It's not... They'll have anything like that, and they'll just keep it away from anything that's similar like that. It goes into a miscellaneous section. See, where I live currently... It's an odd spot of food, I think, in a supermarket. Yes. Well, at the moment, where I live currently,

I'm in a weird position where I'm equidistant between about three different supermarkets. I don't really have... You've got your mainstream, you've got your independent. I don't have a local that I'm at all the time. It's just basically I'm driving back from here oh okay

I'll stop in at that one yep I feel like a walk in this direction I feel like you know there's no like one where I

in my old house I had one just down the road and I could never prove this but I swear to god I was there very regularly I swear to god

they were these cunts were moving the shelves around yeah every week and a half. Okay. Only way to explain it. Yeah.

Only way to explain it. Lived there for three years. It never got any easier to get in. Often cooking the same stuff. Never got any easier to get in and get out with the stuff that I thought I knew where it was. What product did confusion reign with? Everything. But you know what I've found moves around a lot?

Eggs. Because some supermarkets seem to think that it's imperative that they be in the fridge. Right, okay. Plenty of others. Yeah. So if one place thinks that they should be in the fridge, I think that automatically makes any other supermarket

that's not doing that look fucked. Yeah. Don't you think? That's a good point. Because, you know, fridge space is a hot commodity in the supermarket. You know, shelf space, a bit easier to come by. So it's like, should these things be refrigerated or not?

When I get them home, what am I doing? I'm putting them in the fridge. Yeah. It's not like something where I've broken the seal. You know, anything, you know, like like a mayonnaise maybe it's on a shelf but then it's like a lot of products it's quite understood once you've broken that seal you've got to get it into the fridge eggs i'm taking these off a dry ass shelf yeah i'm putting them into my nice chilly fridge that is the fuck's going on that is a weird thing where you break the seal and all of a sudden when you break the seal you got got to refrigerate it. Yes.

Why the fuck didn't it need refrigerating when it had a full seal? Where's the magic happen there? Was it just like packed with cold in there? Was that last little layer of air just cold air? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can never get the cold air back in. That's a fucking good point. Someone's putting the samurai sword down and doffing the fedora and getting ready to fire off a big old post into the facebook group what the reason for that is

wait here my lady i've got to fire up at these guys on their facebook page see that's a much more i think that's a much more interesting point that you know people will try and manufacture a talking point of like oh should the tomato sauce be in the... I don't give a fuck about that at all, but the eggs is an interesting point. Stuff moves around, and look, as much as I'm complaining about it and it's annoying, I understand when I set off on foot to the supermarket,

I understand that that's part of the mental workload of being in the supermarket, that I'm going to have to look around for a little bit too long. I've factored in that time, so it's fine. What we do need to agree on is do the eggs need to be cold or not? I'm fine for them to then move around in different bits of the fridge. Sometimes they might be near the cheese. Sometimes they might be more in the produce section.

I don't mind about that. Some days they'll be behind the door. Some days they're in the open section of the refrigeration section. Don't mind that if that varies from store to store i just want some consistency with the temperature well i would like to know if anyone can name a product that's more inconsistently uh categorized than the hollandaise sauce because i've even seen what do you mean because it's sauce it's with sauces it's not this is what I'm telling you. It's not with sauces. There'll be like a bunch of sauces in a row and then you'll have to go fucking two aisles

before you find the hollandaise. And then where are you typically finding it? Like in amongst what other products? It's not consistent. Like that's why I'm telling you. Okay. I don't know because it's like I've tried to look at rhyme or reason

and it's failed me. And I know that it's an absolute lucky dip. People in supermarkets don't know where to put Hollandaise sauce. I've even seen it separated from the Berenice sauce. You go, that's the logical, the same company makes both of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They look the same, basically. Put them back to back.

And they can't even fucking do that. There's no one that's got a grip of consistently where it should go i'm trying to think how i could do this what i think i need to do with the eggs thing what i would like to work out is if it's consistent between chains of supermarket so if i go into multiple coles and work out if they're all doing the same thing if that's just a company-wide thing hey here, here at Coles, we keep our eggs in the fucking fridge, pal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I'm sort of okay with. See, that's...

If this is like a... If this is a Coles Woolies thing of like, at Woolworths... Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're not fucking flat earthers that think that the eggs need to be kept cool. I... Look, I agree.

Like, if you're trying... If you're either Coles or Woolworths and you're going, look, basically, they all sell the same bullshit. This is the best talking dum-dum we've ever done. This is such a good one. They all sell the same shit. Like, you know, for them to try and differentiate between the two of them,

you're the same. Oh, you think that's it? You think that's the one point of difference between the two? That would be sick. If you come out out like yeah no one can come out and go oh we've got milk it's like yeah we've got milk too you've all got the same shit there's nothing between you you spend millions of dollars on advertising campaigns there's nothing between you but if one of you go we've got the eggs in the fridge we got the other cold eggs yeah hollandaise sauce aisle two every time with the rest of the sauce yeah well then you've

got a fucking angle it's also like what's the point of being a chain if stuff isn't sort of the same if i can't get you know what i would love to do is like i go i'm a loyal coles customer and what that means is on their website there's a map of where everything is in every aisle and it's the same in every coles yeah and i have that to hand then guess what i'm always shopping at coles if it doesn't matter where in the country i am i can step in i agree to first thing to the left but second bottom shelf yeah if i know that across the board that's going to inspire brand loyalty me so why has no suit it's not like you go, oh, okay. Oh, I'm at a McDonald's in Perth.

Is the counter where I order, is that in the toilet? Or is it out the back in the car park? It could be anywhere. A fry's made of ice cream here. Yeah, I agree. If you could just... Look, it's not like there's new foods being created. It's not like people in the fucking supermarket that run it are going, oh, well, this is a new robot food,

and we're not quite sure what's going on here. It's like eggs are fucking... It's literally the big conundrum. What came first, the fucking chicken or the chicken? It's the first question that's ever been fucking asked. I will say, though... You've had that long to sort out where they go yeah but in the grand scheme that is that is actually an interesting conundrum that you've raised i mean

think about i remember probably probably just over a decade ago going to a cafe and it was really touch and go whether you could get aioli as a side to your chips there was a point where even in the inner city, not everywhere had them. Certainly not if you went into a country town. Yeah. No way. Every cafe, wherever you are in the world, you can get aioli.

Not only that, you can buy it in a bottle at the supermarket. Yeah. So at a certain point, this has come along. Someone in at Coles HQ has gone, what the fuck is this? Yeah, yeah. Well, it's like aioli with a bit of garlic in it. All right, well, it's like aioli with a bit of garlic in it. All right, well, sorry, it's mayonnaise. A bit of garlic in it.

So does it go next to the mayonnaise? Are we just chucking this? You know, it's the garlic flavor. Are we putting this next to the garlic cloves? That is funny to think about, like, these new things coming along and someone in Woolworths headquarters just being absolutely caught unawares. What the fuck do we do with this? Yeah, it must be a real job for those guys of like, you know,

it's a cultural job, really. Yeah. It's, you've got to keep up with the times. You can't have some sort of, you know, 67-year-old buyer and organiser in there. You've got to be hip, man. So this is what I think is happening is like a lot of times maybe they're going,

oh, here's a new product. I can go here. And they probably get it wrong. And by then it's too late to move everything else around. And they're also a little bit embarrassed to say, look, we stock food. We should know where this stuff goes. We had no idea. We're putting the fucking hollandaise next to the turnips.

We just didn't know. But guess what? It's okay to be wrong. Just move it. Just do the right thing. Now that it's established, put it back where it's meant to go. Yeah. Let's work that out.

Anyway, this has been going way too long. Thanks, Kelly. He's the last contributor. Thank you to Eggs Comedy. That'll do. Thanks, everyone, for subscribing to Patreon. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being part of what we do

it's after midnight I've had a few Saturday May the 30th we're doing the Zoom live stream get on the socials and the website littledumbdumbclub.com you can find the tickets and all the information about that we've also got the new Talking Dumb Dumb

hoodies and t-shirts once again all that stuff available at the website thanks for listening and we'll see you next time information about that. We've also got the new Talking Dum Dum hoodies and t-shirts. Once again, all that stuff available at the website. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.

It's comedy. That's a weird name. Comedy. Comedy.