The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 504 - Dave Thornton & Brett Blake

Episode Date: May 27, 2020

It's our first all-in-the-same-room episode in AGES with our good mates DAVE THORNTON and BRETT BLAKE! We spend even MORE time getting to the bottom of Capper's new job before talking about Tommy's famous neighbour and Brett's cunning trademarking exploits, but the main event is another long and disgusting story of Chandler's body betraying him in public. You know what to expect, so brace yourself and dive in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave Thornton and Brett Blake. We have our live on Zoom show coming up Saturday, May 30th, 8.30pm Melbourne time. That is going to be like lunchtime for you in the UK. Bunch of tickets sold already. LittleDumDumClub.com is where you can find all the information about that. It's only 10 bucks, so get in. If you're listening, hot off the press, it's this week, this Saturday night. If you're listening to this in the future, you may be too late.

You've missed it. And it's not going to be an episode that's uploaded or anything. It is going to be happening exclusively on Zoom. Exactly. So if you want to be part of it, you've got to see it happen live. Exactly. Here comes this new episode. Just so you know, if you're a squeamish listener, just look, you've got the heads up right now, okay?

It gets a bit yucky towards the end of it. So just so you know, I know. So if you like that, feel free to skip the last 20, 30 minutes if you want. We'll talk to you about it at the end of it. Yeah. All right, enjoy this episode with Dave Thornton and Brett Blake. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club

for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me, as always, the other half of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, DK.

Just what a shame. We're going to do a comedy podcast now. We've just done an hour of the show, Carl Chandler. G'day, DK. Just what a shame. We're going to do a comedy podcast now. We've just done an hour of the best comedy anyone's ever done. I'm so exhausted. I want to go to bed. Yeah, it's like we've already done an episode and it was so good. And this is just going to be a pile of shit in comparison. The pregame was really, really good.

But you know what? This is the first time in a while that we're doing a full-on classic episode. Everyone in the same room. That's right. You know what? We killed it so hard. This is an encore. Yeah, yeah, right, right.

We've been called back to the stage. You and me are sort of waiting in the wings like, do they want it enough? Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Yeah, we're back. We're back. We're back. We're back.

And we've got Dave Thornton and Brett Blake. Yes. I was expecting you then, Chandler, to do that thing like bands do with encores where they don't play their favourite song. You're like, well, come back and do your job. Like as if you went, get a... Okay, we're done here, so we will... No, say it.

Get back in. Yeah, we left a big banger off the set list and people are going, there's no chance he's not doing Duck Sandwich. Like, get the fuck back out here, cunt. I'm just stressed I can't blame bad internet for my jokes not landing. You know what I mean? I'm like, oh, no, it was the end of the end, man. They're like, no, man, it was your fucking rip.

Yeah, the boys were just buffering in the same room while that one was landing. We were staring at a screen going, any second now. Oh, no, they've all left. Go on. Any second now. Oh, no. They've all left. Exciting. Exciting, boys. Wow. Charged up.

We finally solved the problem. It's all over. The virus is gone. We're back in the room. Dude, I cured it. I grabbed it. I had a good old time with it. Gave a smooch, and then it's cured, guys.

You're welcome. You're welcome. Kaboom. We did it. Nice one. Speaking of small gatherings, I went to my- You had it? No,om, we did it. Nice one. Speaking of small gatherings, I went to my... You had it? No, no, no, no.

We're always locked down together. Big bombshell for the pod. Well, guys, you know, I always put myself on the line for content on the show, and I've done it. I've got corona. Look, I haven't said on the pod, I do absolutely... We should put together a cash jackpot for a friend of the show. Whichever friend of the show gets it first.

I don't believe we know someone, a friend of this show. So we put money in and if they get it, if they get Corona, they get the kid. So we just go, we call them up and we go, we were betting on this behind your back. No, no, no, no, no. Welcome to the diamond princess of episodes. No, no, but all of us, like all of us put in $10. Like all of us four, plus everyone that put in ten bucks, like us four, plus everyone that's been on the show

puts in ten bucks, and then it's like a, you know, it all jackpots to whoever gets it. I see what you're saying. Like when you go to the pub, you put your footy tipping in, you come to a comedy club, you write the comic on the wall who's gonna fucking get it. I reckon the only comic who won't get it

is like Capa. Surely that guy's fucking immune to everything. You need to pick someone like a McGregor, like a bad immunity, someone who doesn't go outside. That's my, I mean. Someone who doesn't go outside. Yeah,

well. You know, he's a gamer, come on, he's inside. I'm thinking like, like maybe a Dave O'Neill. You know what I mean?

Like, who's slightly unhealthy? Kids back at school. Kids back at school. Kids is a big factor. Thorno, looking at you. There's a lot of factors going on that you've got to place.

Like me, low risk, don't have any kids, don't really go out. O'Neill, if you can catch it off Zoom, O'Neill might get it with all the gigs he's still continuing to do. And all the nightclubs he's apparently at at regional towns.

I imagine he would have already caught it breaking lockdown restrictions to go to the milk bar and get a fucking Twix every day. Or he didn't twig that he was just getting paid $100 to do a gig in the actual ICU unit that everyone's got to do. Mate, it was cash.

What else was I going to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I did a cruise ship gig last week. Yeah, a lot of people. It went really well. It was like a bunch of them hadn't seen any comedy for ages. I fucking killed. I don't know about it,

before they get you on a dinghy and take you out to international wars. This one had been out there for two months. I was in this weird suit. It was odd. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, O'Neill's a contender. O'Neill's a big contender.

Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't mind putting my money on there. I mean, Hugh's probably does it for content. He's just waiting

to be on radio. I've got a problem. I've got the bloody Roni. Yeah, yeah. Come on. Leave it to the master. Oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah, Hugh's running

around the house. I sit on your gear.'ve set on your gear. I've set on your gear. I'm so sorry. Yuzi's got a stick poking his kids to do something fucked and they won't do it. He's like, ah, fuck it. All right, I guess I'm going down to lick the traffic lights.

No more pants for you. Guys, we've got Picasso here and you're breaking out your fucking crayons. A couple of Rem Rants over here. Sorry, God. Leave it to artists. I know, fuck. We've got outsider artists over here.

We've got Pablo himself right here. Leave it to the real counterfeiter. This is the real guy. Slay us, King. Slay us. Yeah, exactly. I should have got this two weeks ago. Probably my luck. It'll take me 13 days to kick in.

What am I going to talk about For two weeks And what about if Joel Creasy got it It's not the first thing I would have caught off someone Done it Done it Because gay people

Have disease I can't believe I got it This is bullshit I bet you I got it From an Australian TV producer. That's the only thing that they can create. Hang on, who's that at the door? Oh, Shane Bourne, come in.

Corona, thank God you're here. I've never seen it live in front of me. I'm so excited. I wish I'd messaged you. That could have been a good ISO project for you, Thorno, expanding the roster of colourful characters that you can whip out. Just you in a bedroom by yourself, just practising a Dave O'Neill or a Nick Capper.

Can you do the O'Neill? No, I'm not really good with O'Neill, I don't think. Tommy used to do O'Neill quite well, I thought. I used to be able to. I lost it. Yeah, I lost it. I think you've got the best capper, though. I reckon you've got a good capper.

I think I and other people do impressions of your impression of capper. I think that's true of like people's huesies as well, kind of. Yes, that's really good. I mean, now I can get all the corporates from Creasy and Huesy and you can get the shit as open as I can. I can bomb doing my Kappa impression. You do the gigs that Kappa says no to. Yeah.

Can't believe I got this disease that you get from not washing your hands. Dassler's a Kappa impersonator from now on. So now he's, what, emptying the bins for the council? Yeah. Because that's the gigs Kappa's getting. Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did he get a promotion on the bin duty? Last time I saw it He was fucking

Bordering down a chair And then he told me He was Bordering down a chair He was Washing chairs And like In this stadium

And then The manager goes to him He goes Just so you know You flooded the locker room Oh I believe That was their locker room

And he's been hosing down that And he's like He goes Yeah We'll just blame it on the Melbourne storm. It was like two weeks ago, the big storm that came through. Oh, I thought you meant the actual rugby team. They're in Auburn. When they're around, it's just as wet.

Trust me. Kappa being the one in control of a hose, what a fucking miscarriage of justice that is. How does this work? Of course. He was second in line. Because he's on the other end of it. He's not in front of it.

How do I get this water away from me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It can't hit me if I'm aiming it at someone else. The water naturally, like Kappa's like oil. If you drop him in water, it just goes the other way. They can't mix. Weirdly, he was pointing it directly at his face. He was just flipping around, you know?

Yeah, him in a bar of soap is like a magnet. He tries to like put it towards himself and it just veers away. So we talked about this last week, about Kappa's current job of walking around and looking for cracks in the pavement. And now is the time for you to come clean and admit that that was a joke that you made up

because I've been thinking about it all week and I absolutely refuse to believe this is a real thing. I can't believe this is a true thing. I will go to the grave disputing that this is a real thing that's happening. There's absolutely no way. I know firsthand that this is a thing. Now you're in on it. You're in on it.

Everyone's pranking me. This is another 5G. This is me and Blakey are Bill Gates. Yeah, Kappa having a job, the new conspiracy theory. Wait, these are maiden ears that are hearing this. I've not heard this before. Kappa got some sort of... Let's say it's a government job

because it sounds a bit more men in black than what it actually is, which is him getting some form of the doll and then going, we've got to get something out of this. Are you seeing a lot more people these days in high-vis and they're wiping down oak trees or whatever it is? Yeah, you see people walk by to the traffic lights.

There's a lot of busy work going on. He worked for the sh trees or whatever it is. Yeah, you see people walk by to the traffic lights. So he worked for a government... There's a lot of busy work going on. He worked for the shire or whatever, doing the government work at the farm, normal work at the farm. They just tried to keep him busy and then hence gave him a fluoro vest. It's like he's an ex-convict.

Got to keep him busy, keep him off his feet. But can you imagine him like... Oh yeah, this one's fact. Where is it? I'm near a tree on a road and a footpath. I'll screenshot my Google Maps and send it to you. Oh, me oppo's fucked. But what I like better is that that was his job,

but not only that, it wasn't a one-man operation. It was two people. So he was there with a Somalian guy who was basically making sure Kappa didn't fuck up counting cracks in the footpath. So all day they're walking around and he's like, the other bloke's trying to get his work done. And Kappa's just like, so what music are you into? What do you eat at home? All this sort of shit. And the guy's going, what, Frankston?

He's like from Melbourne. He just assumes he's from another country. I got to say, Corona, almost worth it. If this is the story that's come out of it, Kappa getting a job counting cracks in the pavement. And apparently he's getting more hours now, he was telling me. And my missus is like, this is classic Kappa. Just fucking somehow this has made him financially better.

He thrives. This is paying way better than him doing stand-up comedy. Oh, for sure. 100,000 dead in the US and Kappa having his bank account filled up.

His classic lands on his feet. If someone told me this January 1st, 2020 I'd be like I didn't know this could happen. You know when they do the 19 and the 20 it's like

the verses it's like a pie for 19. And there's 20. It's like the dude from American Pie who fucked it away. It's like, Kappa's finally on top, like with the gold chain. Yeah. Like, fucking yes. Who would have thought, motherfuckers?

So I need clarity, because what does he do? So when he finds a crack, then what? I think he just reports it. Oh, here's where the fun starts. Oh, I don't know. He just reports it back to the council so that, like. And then what do they do? Well, they fix it. No, they don't. Oh, here's where the fun starts. Oh, I don't know. He just reports it back to the council so that, like. And then what do they do? Well, they fix it.

No, they don't. Well, that's the point, surely. He told me that when he, apparently he was too efficient at the job and was told to slow down. Which you can imagine. And the photos he was taking, like if you see the, is him standing next to a post box with the letter 69 holding a coffee.

And that was him at full steam. You're going to cut down to a single shot, mate. You get those double shots, you're ripping off too many cracks. That's so great. I feel like, you know, in Seinfeld, when they got Jerry to do the bootleg of the film and he took videotapes in a movie cinema

and then the guy comes up to him and he goes, you're a genius. I've never seen anything so beautiful. Yeah. I reckon that's with Kappa. They've found him. They're just like, we've never seen anyone with your grace and your style and your speed getting cracks the way that you have.

Yeah. They've finally found what he's good at. He's the chosen one. Yeah. He's praying for the virus to stick around. Yeah. He needs his job. I like the idea that, you know, comedy comes back and Kappa's just like, no, you know what?

This really taught me a thing or two. I found my true vocation. Man, he was telling me that the other day. Yes! He was telling me that the other day. Imagine he tries to get back on stage, looks down and there's a crack on the stage and he's like, I can't let this one pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Has to take a photo. It's like Kappa, that's the mic cord. That's not a crack. Well, what does it do? He's used to seeing the cracks in the roof. He reckons he's blowing the roof off. I reckon the roof's coming down on him.

He's used to seeing a crack and moving the fuck out of the way. What if he gets to a point where he realises he's found the last crack in Melbourne? He's going to be fucking, because this is a finite job. Yeah. Or do you then just go back? He finds the last crack and then Fleety goes going to be fucking, because this is a finite job. Yeah. Or do you then just go back? He finds the last crack and then Fleety goes, I'll have that, thanks.

The real last crack is Cabba's arsehole with his pants always hanging down. Which everyone else picks except for him. Yeah. He might have the most

consistently exposed butthole of anyone I've ever met in my life. Oh, I photograph it as a side hobby. I reckon I got 40 shots on my fucking phone. It's not as a weird thing.

What council are you working for? Wouldn't you like to know? We keep it very secretive over here. Imagine he's just moving to earthquake zones. He started losing it, if I've got to be honest. He just loved the chase. Not only does he find cracks, he finds fault lines in tectonic plates.

Oh my God, he's a genius. Yeah, he moves to hollywood not for showbiz to count cracks after earthquakes what is that a four fuck i hope it's a six yeah do you reckon it was our time in uh belgrade last year because it's a pretty it's a pretty cracky city in belgrade or belgradian yeah it's it's been bombed and they've never you know really fixed it up there's some pretty shonky footpaths and buildings. Maybe that really... Are you going to let him know what Athens looks like? He'll see some of those ruins.

He'll be like, I've just hit the jackpot, guys. This is the mother load. Does anyone know about this? We have for 3,000 years now. I'm going to need a bigger calculator. I've got a dossier to write. Just another week where we're talking about Kappa for 15 minutes. His memoirs.

Johnson Street, two metres in. And also, this is funnier than when he's on the show. So, yeah, I can see why we do it. And he listens. Always good to just be talking directly to someone that you know is going to hear the conversation. Good on you, Kappa. Glad that you're out there having found employment. All right, the Kappa files are done for this week.

All right, we're closing it up. Closing up the Kappa bag. Sealing the crack in the road. Let's move on, guys. All right, the Kappa files are done for this week. All right, we're closing it up. Closing up the Kappa bag. Sealing the crack in the road. Let's move on, guys. All right, how do we segue out of this? What about this? What was I starting to say before? Small gatherings.

My father-in-law had a birthday the other day, so we went for a small family gathering. They're Italian, so I doubt it'll be small. Well, it's got to be small. It's got to be small at the moment of course legally so uh yeah it wasn't too big but it was there just a mario and a luigi all the great Italian stereotypes. Tommy D'Astel. Mamma mia. Yeah.

La Porchetta was there. My favourite. Yeah, yeah. La Porchetta. La Porchetta was there. So I went there. It was my father-in-law's 80th birthday. Whoa, big milestone.

Yeah, it's a big one. And that is because... So that basically means... Like, I'm a bit older than my wife, which means that very clearly she was an accident because she's quite... But no, but she's quite a bit younger. She's quite a bit younger than her silly... Oh, you silver-tongued devil.

What I'm trying to say is this 80-year-old man wasn't a fan of condoms. Next riff. New nickname for her on the show because you've referred to her as Don't Say Her Name, which is quite a tongue twister and quite long to say. Just start referring to her as The Accident. The Accident, all right, all right.

The old split-dom. Yeah, the old Ackie was giving it a bit of lip this morning. The result of the raw dog. I know the Pope's not for him, but maybe we should have found a loophole, yeah? If you're going to say the word raw dog, you technically have to pay me royalties, which is something we actually have to go into

eventually. Let's get back to this. Let's do this now. Let's do this first. It's a legal thing. Should we do yours first? Well, you can, but I'm just saying

you owe me money if you're going to say the word. All right, well, I'll get through this story and then we'll go to yours. Right, right. So, like clearly an accident

given that she's a lot younger than her siblings. What's the age difference between her and her next? Oh, I think it's nearly 10. Nearly 10 years. So it's pretty clear what's happened there.

Yeah. And I mean, because she's 16. Brutal that it took him 10 years to propose. Nah, I knew it from day one. What, were you at the hospital? Hang on, just so I'm clear, you guys are roasting me here? Or by saying something that would be cool? I'm more like Jerry Seinfeld than I thought.

Yes. Go off, King. When are schools back? What is going on? God, there's only so many bloody calipanings I can do with her. I'm really going to miss her in two weeks when it all goes back. Jesus Christ. Wowee.

This might be deleted, I reckon. Wowee. There's nothing wrong with this. I love that her friends listen as well. If you think a lady of that age would be more offended by having her age put out as 16 or her real age, I believe 16 she would take that. I'll go home and ask her tonight. She'll cop 16.

No, I think it's the bit where we're saying you fuck children and you're like, yeah, that's cool. Nah, nah. I'm not saying he would be fucked by me being a pedophile. Then the joke's on you. I'm not worried about your wife fucked by me Being a pedophile Then the joke's on you I'm not worried about Your wife being offended That we think she's 16 Tommy and Sidney

Went yorked up When you were 16 You missed the whole riff That's Oh that's bad Okay Alright alright There we go

We're back We're back Chase is bad man now I get it Don't fuck him I get it I get comedy So

She's a lot younger she's a lot younger. She's a lot younger than Sid, please. So, man, the end of this story is not as good as what we've done. That's the dumb, dumb way. Yeah, yeah. It's true. A fleeting detail in the first ten seconds of the story turns into a 20-minute riff. Yeah.

So, 80, 80. So, we go up there and I'm like saying I'm sort of giving her a bit of this sort of shit going oh clearly nasty

put her in her child seat yeah yeah yeah in the booster seat um which Wiggles song did you listen to in the car put the dummy in her mouth rattle the keys

and have to put her in the ignition oh put the dummy in oh god dummy's what we like to call my... No. No, we got it. We got it, Dave.

That was implied. No, no. Deeper. So, all right. All right. That wasn't my riff, but yes. It's good to see you guys. It's really good to have you guys at my house.

If God were all in the same room again, you know? Would have gone better on Zoom. Yeah. So, we get up there. We're on the way up there. And you know? Would have gone better on Zoom. Yeah. So we get up there. We're on the way up there. And I said, doing a bit of that gear. It's clearly a bit of an accident, you know, whatever. And she's like, oh, I don't think it's that obvious.

I'm like, oh, well, I mean, God. Hang on, hang on. You're on the way to a parent's house. And your topic of conversation with your wife is about how she's an accident. Yes. And she goes, I'm not an accident. And you're like, well, I actually think. We're talking about his 80th birthday, which is quite a milestone.

Like anyway, so just, just basic sums. We're doing the basic arithmetic there. You're forgetting Italian man, you know? Yeah. We're very. He's not clocking off at 60. Yeah. So I said, so I said, I'm doing the sums and going,

well, your dad was actually quite old. He's getting on quite old when he had you, obviously. And she goes, yeah, he was 40 when he had me. How old were you when you had our daughter? 42. Good one, cunt. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Say my queen Yes And did you say Where did you learn that language from Yeah Who were you hanging out with at school Yeah she's already She's already subtracting

At an 8th grade level That's very advanced That's impressive Alright so No cartoons for you this weekend So So just quickly Can I just ask this detail about this birthday?

So what is it? It's at the moment you can have five people visit. And so they've got a pretty big family. So you and your wife, that's two out. Who are the other three? Because she has a lot of siblings, doesn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few of them just not getting the invite to the big 8-0.

No, yeah, yeah. I hear a lot of law breaking going on here. would never say that on the record so let's just say that okay you stood out the front fence yeah yeah that's it i was in the attic just observing from up there and everyone was in different rooms and that's that's how it happened after everything we've said, you sound heaps creepier. I was out in the front of the booth. It's like the dad doesn't know. Chandler just drops her off and goes, I'll be in the attic. You never saw me.

I was in the attic. The accident was out in the garden in the kiddie pool. What a great sign of the times. I had to give her a boost to get over the fence. What a great sign of the times. I will gladly tell you about how I fucked a six-year-old, but I will not admit to being in a room with six people, okay? This is steel-clad evidence. Rules are rules, guys.

They make these laws for a fucking reason, okay? Now, Blakey, early in that story. Are things getting litigious between you two? What's going on? No, no, no. What's happening is you did have a little legal issue that you brought up on the show quite a while back, I believe. So, you know, following the greats of comedy,

you know, the Wog Boy, that's all I can think of. He copyrighted the word, was it? Wog. Wog. Yeah. Right. And as, you know. Nick Gianopoulos. Nick Gianopoulos. was it? Wog. Wog. Yeah. Right. And as, you know. Nick Gianopoulos.

Nick Gianopoulos. That's the Wog Boy. Talk too loudly because as we've established on the pod, he does live basically next door to me. Does he? I don't know if we have established that on the pod, but he lives. We've talked about it on the pod. I don't know.

He lives about 50 metres from here. Do you see him walking around and shit? I see him all the time. Yeah. Really? I've got to come to him. And I worked out the other day exactly which building. I always knew he lived close and then I worked out recently which building he lives in.

Is it the one with the monaro that goes... Big fluffy dice hanging off the balcony. Pretty easy to pick which one's in. Yeah, also you hit the doorbell, it goes... Two pallets of krill oil coming out the front Yes, grease that back Yeah, it does look like it's the same It feels like he's a next door neighbour of yours

Because it feels like it's the same building It's like, it's just there He is literally the building next to mine Right So he is, yeah An actual next door neighbour Yes Not in the way where people go

Oh, my neighbour And they actually mean like four blocks away But is he in the full building Or is he oh, my neighbour, and they actually mean like four blocks away. But does he own the full building or is he in an apartment like you are? That's what my... Apartment? Well, look at that. Yeah.

Right. I used to see him in the local cafe all the time before it closed down. What I'm trying to say is, is he poor? I'm trying to figure it out. What is he financially at the moment? I think he's still rich as hell.

He made a lot of money from those movies. The musicals, are you kidding me? They'd be crazy. Yeah, but he lives, like this is a nice place in town to live. I know,

but renting, but owning's a different thing. Well, he probably owns here and he probably owns other stuff. Yeah. But even, I can look it up now, IMDB this,

because Wogboy made a lot of bank. Yeah. Even though I did see one of their co-stars drop a bag of something on the floor and just jump at it like an absolute scoundrel. I don't know what that has to do with anything else, but what's that got to do with the money? If you can afford coke, you can afford to buy an apartment.

Okay, okay. Yeah, but he owns the, you know, someone who's in the show doesn't mean that they buy an apartment. He owns the... Someone who's in the show doesn't mean that they're very... He owns it. What's his net worth? It's funny. It just says budget $5 million. And it's like, give it how much did it make? And this is usually always on IMDB. Doesn't say. Well, we can get him in here

one day and we can ask all these questions. Get him now. We can just go down there now and just dial every apartment in sequence. I don't think it's that big of a building. So we could probably make our way through all the numbers pretty speedily. Just to everyone. Is this a wog? No?

Okay, sorry. Hey, just quickly. Can you say, oh my God, to the speaker and just let me hear how that sounds? And then I'll know if I've got the right number. So, Brett Blake, legal issue. He, Nick Giannopoulos has trademarked the term wog. Now, you've done a similar thing. I made a power move.

I had a few beers in Brisbane, maybe a few rums, and I thought it would be funny to trademark the word raw dog. Right. So if anyone ever says the word raw dog, I own it. Not a thing, but yes, go on. People will say it. You said it before. You can't sue me for saying something. I can sue you for printing it. Not a thing, but yes, go on. People will say it. You said it before. You can't sue me for saying something.

I can sue you for printing it. Right. Yeah, if I say Nike, they can't come after me. No, but if you put it into advertising... Look, this is drunk Brett right now, okay? Drunk Brett, he wasn't thinking at the time, who the fuck would trademark Raw Dog? It's so fucking stupid.

To be honest, it cost me $600 to trademark it, and then I got a letter the other day saying I put my own fucking wrong address down, and they wouldn't accept it. So it's cost me a lot of money, and now I'm a lot of stress down, and now I've got one rebuttal to him, and I had to hire a fucking trademark lawyer. So anyway, it's a lot of stress. I don't know why I did it. What address did you put on it?

I said I was in the Australian Capital Territory instead of Melbourne. I selected the wrong box. It freaked me out. I was overwhelmed with your text. So you had your address right, know. I selected the wrong box. It freaked me out. I was overwhelmed. You had your address right but you just put the wrong state. So I said, where are you?

It said act and you're like, comedian, close enough. It was a drop down box. It was the easiest part of the whole thing and I was ragged

and then it came back and it says Australia Capital Territory. This address doesn't exist there. I was like, fuck, fuck yeah. How did you even get the letter to tell you that you'd put in the wrong thing?

I was so mad. Were you walking around Canberra and you just found a letter? No, no, no. Because after I did it, I submitted it. They sent me an email. I said, oh, that's fucking wrong. And then I went back in there and changed it just on the, you wouldn't understand. It's quite legal.

Sounds like you don't understand either. Yeah, I'm going to be honest with you, I don't. And then on this part, your cover letter, I changed it, but I didn't change the back end of it, and then still it went through, and fuck, that was the dumbest drunk mistake I've ever made. It cost a lot of money. Are you sure you trademarked Raw Dog?

Because we talk a lot about your dyslexia on this podcast. I wouldn't mind betting you've just trademarked raw bog or something like that. Look, either way, you just said it then. It's $20. I'm making money. I'm making money. Yes. Also, you've set a rate for what I have to pay when I say it.

Look, I'm flitting it up. Everything's $20. Me and Thorno have got kids. Do we owe you money for doing raw dog? Yeah, have you trademarked the term or the whole act as well? No, but I had to put it into a category. So the category is cosmetics, so technically cum could come under that.

Right, you can rub it on the face. You owe me money, yeah. Whatever makes me pay off this fucking dumb bill. Really? No Dinger Dave here. Yeah. I feel like you've had that up your sleeve for a long time, since you were 16. No Dinger Dave, classic.

I feel like someone else made it up a week ago and then Thornow's applied it here. Mate, no. We saw it because Dan Connell just had a kid and we saw him on Friday. That was Carl's opener. No digger, Dan. It did make me laugh. It was good. So reappropriated.

Rebranded it. Do I get $20? No, you don't. Were you smart enough to trademark it? No, fuck. Idiot. Only in Canberra. Not in Victoria.

So yeah, I did that. I thought it'd be funny, and this just cost me a lot of money, and I fucked it up completely, and now I have to have someone probably look at it. So now we can keep saying it as much as we want, because you don't own it. Well, I mean, that's up for debate, but I reckon I'm a month away from owning it.

Also, I do like the fact that you've trademarked it for a cosmetic. Yes. Raw dog for a cosmetic. It's pretty cosmetic looks great without a fringer on it is that like is that like a dog with its red lipstick when it comes up yeah is that the cosmetic well in my drunk stew but i thought it'd be funny to call a cosmetic line for men the raw dog range i own the website how does that uh really do you rawdog.com.au no uh yes the au rawdogrange.com.au No Yes the AU

Rawdogrange.com.au So when you want to Because apparently Rawdog was already taken No So By Nick Gianopoulos A lot of people

Have drunk passions And my drunk passion Is getting drunk And going like That's a fucking great website Someone's going to Eventually Buy that off

I own Clit in the Pit You own what? Clit in the Pit I just thought it would be funny Clit in the Pit. You own what? Clit in the Pit. I just thought it'd be funny. Clit in the Pit. Yeah, it's when they get the chicks in the mosh pit. So I thought that was funny.

I was like, oh, I'll buy Clit in the Pit. Getting chicks, getting women into the mosh pit. Yeah, they call it Get That Clit in the Pit. So this was like a cause. Let's buy it, yeah.

So you're thinking like I own Yeah The Boys. Really? Yeah, Yeah The Boys. I own it. YeahTheBoys.com.au I own Yeah The Boys. Really? Yeah The Boys. I own it. YeahTheBoys.com.au I own Yeah The Girls. These are great ideas.

I don't know who's going to... One day, someone's going to buy them. I'd love to see someone try and buy Clit In The Pit off you and just see for what reason. I've got ideas. How do you drive... Why are you trying to drive someone to ClitInThePit.com.au? I get drunk and I think they're cool things.

Is there anything on there now if I look it up? Or are they all just... No, no. We've got crazy domains. Okay. So, yeah. I mean, you can try and buy it off. Can't you park like an image at clintonthepit.com.au?

Yeah. Just to make sure. I should do that. You should do that. I should just put your faces on there. Yeah. I've got nothing on the website. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah. I go, yeah, the girls, Clint in the pit. What else? Man, I just get so mad and I go, this is a great business idea and then I just have no resources or finances. The raw dog range, I own that. It's just dumb. You know what you need? When 20th Century Fox realise

they're a century out, you need to be in that boardroom when you're like, I know what the rebranding should be, guys. Clint in the pit. And they're like, you know what, you're not out, they think it's great, then they go by the website, you're like, I know what the rebranding should be, guys. Click in the pit. Yeah. And they're like, you know what, you're not out,

they think it's great, then they go by the website, you're like, it was mine all along. It just zooms into a pussy. No, instead of a lion. Oh,

the lion, oh, the other one. At MGM, instead of the lion, it can be like, instead of it roaring, you can just have the raw dog.

A dog roaring. Oh, yeah, okay. Jeez, I'm so, you can just have the raw dog. A dog roaring. Oh, yeah. I'm so glad you zigged rather than zagged it. I anticipated your... I had to do something with that appendage in the pit and I was like, oh, no. I just, yeah, you know, I watch a lot of things about business and entrepreneurs and I have no idea and I just think websites are my go, you know. I think of cool names, I trademark them,

I move away. You know what I mean? All right, all right. Yeah, this is your super. This is my super. There sort of needs to be another step in there though. It's not enough to just own the website and then do nothing about it.

Thinking about things, branding, yuck, disgusting. What you need to do is get another domain now where you can sell these domains. You need to think of a good domain name to sell domains. Brettsurls.com. Yeah. Rawdog domain. No, it's the same as the other one. to sell domains. Brettsurls.com. Yeah. Rawdog domain. No, it's the same as the other one.

I wouldn't go Brettsurls. It's going to end up BrettsLRUs or something. Yeah, true. BrettsACTs. Also, big, big factor. I reckon I've spelt all these websites wrong. Oh, definitely. Yeah, I reckon I put, I thought it would be,

I reckon I owned, yeah, the boys with like seven Zs because I was like, this is sick. With seven exclamation marks at the end and it's like you own that but you're not allowed to use that. Your websites are all the... No, you're not. Not in domain names. All your websites are like the sick version of license plates, you know, where there are numbers and stuff and you've kind of got to squint and join the dots. Which vowel is that supposed to be

it's a seven is that an L it's an eight but I'm counting it as an O yeah okay I understand

look someone's going to buy it guys and next thing you know I'll be on a fucking yacht and who will be laughing so the raw dog range this is a men's makeup line

no it's not a men's makeup my riff was because my girlfriend works in cosmetics and makes stuff Raw Dog range, this is a men's makeup line. No, it's not a men's makeup. My riff was because my girlfriend works in cosmetics and makes stuff. I was like, man, I'm going to... She a rabbit. What? Hey, this is weird. I just got a text from Kappa who says he notices a crack in your plan.

He just spelt it. Classic Kappa. Didn't even send it to the council. Sent it to Dave Thorne. No wonder they did this fucking crack all over the city. And also Classic Kappa. Didn't even send it to the council. Sent it to Dave Thorne. No wonder they did fucking this crack all over the city. And also even Kappa says this plant stinks.

You can laugh right now. We are. Thank you for permission. We didn't question that he dated a six year old. But this seems weird. This is the only thing the police arrest someone for

on this podcast. It was a bad idea. No, I thought it would be cool to have a men's range that was funny and then I was like, man, the raw dog range. Imagine doing it because it's funny because general people... Because you're not putting a condom on over your head as you're applying cosmetics. Companies have a hard enough time marketing this stuff to men already

without the brand name conjuring up the image of a nude cock spoofing everywhere. That's why it's funny. You big boy. Of your head somehow getting someone pregnant. But if you just call the RDR, yeah, Raw Dog Reigns. See, all of a sudden you're getting rid of Raw Dog already. You're just going back and away from it. Everyone knows what it is.

It's funny. It's like, you know, you guys don't get marketing. You know what I mean Like Do you then sell Like makeup to women That's like called the pill No Just to make sure

That nothing bad happens My head sayer was right So when you buy the raw dog pack 69 dollars You're welcome Right And then it comes with a condom Right

But you open the packet Nothing in there Hilarious Come on That's actually pretty good That's funny. Not too bad. People will be like, this is sick.

This is a lark. You'll get pregnant. Yes. Or AIDS or whatever. I'm not paying, you know. But maybe raw, like I said, but R-O-A-R. So it's like raw dog. What?

How do you spell it? No, don't even start with that. Yeah, yeah. No, we get it. Don't engage with that one. R-A-W I know I know but if you said

If you said raw like a lion roars It'd be a bit of a wink like Yes But we know what we're talking about A dog roaring But also you're assuming That I know how something's spelled In two ways

Let alone one Yeah You know We have not met I like it If you'd written down That noise I make Like when I'm a lion

Dog Yeah Can't imagine why I got a rejection letter From a fucking Trademark association Or some shit Yeah that'd be great

That actually would be great If someone in admin was like Dogs don't go raw They go woof Alright Brett you own Woofdog.com.au Woofdog.com You know what I'll take that

I'll take that Woofdog Woofdog cosmetics Look you guys mock me now But when the raw dog range Comes out I'll be that. I'll take that. A little cash there. Wolfdog Cosmetics. Look, you guys mock me now, but when the raw dog range comes out, I'll be laughing. Man, I'm in. I'm keen. So you're a few hundred dollars down on applying for this trademark. So you basically, you need to find someone abusing this trademark.

And you need to sue them to get this money. Look, I'm going to start suing people straight away. That's the first thing. If anyone says the word raw, I'm coming for you. 100%. That's not how it works. You know what? I'm more to start suing people straight away. That's the first thing. If anyone says the word raw, I'm coming for you. 100%. It's not how it works. You know what? I'm more offended by it.

Do you think legally I go for anything? You just got to go for it. The other thing is I'm going to release a product line and people are going to buy it. It's going to be funny. It's going to be a great product. If ever you don't need a condom, I'll be going straight to Raw Dog Enterprises. It's a skincare line. You got to think outside the box. No, I want that empty condom, I'll be going straight to Raw Dog Enterprises. No, but it's like, it's a skincare line, you know? You've got to think outside the box, Carl.

No, I want that empty condom. That's what I'm looking for. But you know what? I'm more offended by GoFundMe page than I am with this entire idea. Like, I think that is actually fucked. This, I'll give you money for it. Like, if people want to help you out,

I reckon they should print a t-shirt. Skincare line, you get your shampoo, conditioner, body lotion. Also, you know... Raw Dog range. Oh, $69. Hilarious body lotion also you know no dog range oh $69 hilarious

you know you know the product's going to be good when all the thoughts being put into the name of it yeah and then the rest of it

like oh Blakey's like that writes itself whatever the fuck you want to wipe on your face whatever I've got the name who cares it's just cold powdered

turgid and all whatever cunts get over no one really wanted this asbestos I was just pretty charged It's a very powdery lotion Like eh

It's good for your skin Shut up cunt No no no On the plus side They can only complain For 10 to 15 years And they get the fucking lung Anyway

Alright well we'll We'll check back in on this progress Maybe in like a year's time I reckon I reckon December this year At the very least People might be able to put in bids People might be able to put in bids If they like the sound of those URLs on this progress maybe in like a year's time. I reckon December this year. At the very least, people might be able to put in bids.

People might be able to put in bids if they like the sound of those URLs. At least you could maybe sell them. No, I'm not going to sell them. I'm going to hang on. This is more retirement fun.

We might have a listener who works in the cosmetic industry who wants to link up with you. Maybe they work for L'Oreal and they've been looking to go out on their own, do their own thing. There might be a female listener

out there whose clit is the pits and has been looking for that URL L'Oreal's not really my style like someone cool would be sick and I'm willing to

accept offers at this point and what is it the girls the boys yeah the girls yeah the boys and clit the pits so you know

if you think that any of that works for you also now I've recorded this podcast just gotta double check I actually did pay subscription again so this goes out in a few hours so i know i don't want to get on that i'm like oh have i replayed the renewal like just people start because one of these concerts

gonna buy it if you don't know i know i know i know so now i'm stressed out i'm gonna get a crazy domain how often do you have to renew every year yeah but i think i might have bought a trial anyway there's a lot of you wouldn wouldn't understand, Dave. A trial? I love it. Sometimes you can buy something for $14. A free trial of a domain just to make sure you like it. You've got a 30-day trial period. You wouldn't understand, Tom. It's very technical.

You're right, I wouldn't. I don't either. So you are at the crap stable of trademarking just doubling up every year. I'm going to back this one in. Joke's on you, cunt. As soon as DaveThorton.com.au lapses, guess who's got it?

I've got it. Next thing you know, I'll probably give it back to you. I really like and respect you. Look, we talked a lot about my website lapsing a bunch of years ago. Years ago. And that just got taken up by someone selling fake Air Jordans. And so then I had to move on to CarlChanlon.com.au and I got that. Well, that was after one of the listeners pinched that

and then just put shit all over it and then eventually gave it to me. How has all that merchandise been going out of all those clits you've got in a pit?

Have they been selling well? What a great way to start, because comedy sometimes doesn't pay that well, but every time you see a new open mic-er, start,

eventually in maybe two years they get okay. The first thing when they buy is their name and you say fucking.com.au come at the king

500 bucks oh that's a good that is actually a good business plan you hover around open mics anyone who you think has got a smidge

of potential you buy their name as a URL that is unbelievable this is like comedy super coach yeah you sit there

I reckon they're going to have a good run I'm going to buy this one fantasy open mic yeah you know this was one thing that I wanted this was an idea I had during COVID because they said, you know, when all the sport was off, they said you could bet on weather. Yeah.

In Sydney, you could bet on weather. So I said, all right, this is my TV show pitch. You get all the weathermen from all the TV channels. You give them 500 bucks. Whoever gets the most money at the end of the week betting on the weather, you're the king weatherman. Oh, that's good. Nice.

So we just have one for the whole country not you know every channel doesn't have their own anymore we have one super weatherman

who does it for every every network every the other ones are still good but you know you listen to a loser yeah they walk in

should it be weekly and you just call it weekly and you've got the king of the week like even I put into a go I reckon it's 23 when they come on when their caption comes on they have to be like

ranked they have to have the number next to their name yeah number 4 is speaking yes just before they do the throw or they throw to them

and they have to have all their details next to them while they're doing that shitty this is the photo that got handed in by one of our viewers their ranking system gets known

their earnings for the week do you reckon the betting sites that were taking bets on the weather, they were having to vet for whether people calling up and betting from the Bureau of Meteorology? That makes it insider trading. Yeah, it is. Literally, it's match fixing. Those cunts never get it right anyway.

You know what I mean? No one really knows. You know? Yeah. It's just on the day. Can I get a multi-bet going for the humidity percentage as well they're just like way too into it

too many details they're like hang on boy it's got the wildest trifecta last time yeah yeah Darwin

Canberra no one saw that coming she's a cheeky and the chopping of Capricorns just across there what about this

I um now you guys as we're all being locked in and all that sort of stuff things are starting to ease and whatever you guys have been dealing now you guys as we're all being locked in and all that sort of stuff things are starting to ease and whatever um

you guys have been dealing okay you guys have been you've been exercising you guys have been out and about trying to although you know this

the other day I went to pick my two kids up because we daycare's been odd because obviously the schools are off but daycare they're all just like

yeah yeah whatever and then so daycare's been going all just like, yeah, whatever. And then so daycare has been going along and then they became free. So it was this weird thing where you're like going, okay, morally, I shouldn't put my kids in, but it's finally free. Like I can just put them in there guilt free. It's not going to cost me a cent.

How long am I going to hold on to this? It's worth getting the Ronnie, like get them out of the house free. Totally. And then so, but then I went to pick the girls up the other day and now during the week, both days I picked them up, it was just there's a neighbour heavily hitting bongs. What, the neighbour of the daycare? Yeah, neighbour of the daycare.

If you were listening next to 16 screaming kids all day, I'd be hitting the bong. Is he blowing the smoke over the fence? I'm like, why didn't I get here earlier to pick them up? Pick them up at three, I'll be home at five. And it's like thick through the air

and I was like, how do you, okay, we're doing this now. All the kids are just ripped out of there. Him just jumping the fence at snack time.

I'll have some of those biscuits. Yeah, let's just finger paint. Let's just do it. Let's do it. Whatever, whatever comes to you guys. Whatever feels natural.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Weirdly enough, that's how Chandler met his partner. It was his. We're back on this. Very nice. Finger painting, that's right. Oh, no. Hey, you opened the door.

So, that's good. You know, so this is what I've been doing. Every night I've been running the whole, what, two months now, whatever. Every single night. I think I've missed one night maybe. Every night I'll go at like 9 or 10 o'clock. I'll get out of my house and I'll run for 5 or 6K every single night just to clear myself.

Aren't you wrecked at that time of night? No, it's actually all alright because what happens is um um my wife the accident um that's that's her full name now

my wife comma the accident um so she's also by the way can't wait for her friends

to listen to the show little little fucking dobbers that listen to podcasts can't wait can't wait to fire up and if they have some kind of link to someone who's been talked about. And guess what he was saying about you?

He said something that was similar to me. I was sliding to his DMs. Fucking don't. I don't like you. Fuck off, you fucking nerds. It's like, you know, when confidential, you know, the confidential bits in the newspaper where they now find out about stuff on podcasts and they print it in the paper. It's like the open mic version of of that just people gossiping about things

totally i heard this on a podcast yeah yuck um so so i um i've been running every every night i i i'm sort of uh i'm looking after a little blanket all day because my wife is working all day so I'm running interference all day so when it gets to after her bath time after her meal time she goes to bed

it's like fuck yeah I can do whatever I want I'll get some exercise so I'm out of the house clearing the head for the first time of the day so I get out 8, 9 o'clock

10 o'clock Sundays just go for a run I'll nearly run to Tommy's house and back that's basically Nick Doonop's place yes exactly you don't quite make it to mine you make it to Ginopolis yeah yeah yeah Just go for a run. I'll nearly run to Tommy's house and back. That's basically... Nick Doonan. Yes, exactly. You don't quite make it to mine.

You make it to Ginopolis'. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll make it there for a capachosa, turn around, run back. Capachosa. Oh, Jesus. Smashes a plate and runs. So, uh...

That's Greek. Yeah, whatever. No, he is Greek. Is he Greek? Yeah, he is. What's a capachosa then? so that's Greek yeah whatever yeah no he is Greek is he Greek yeah he is what's a capuchosa then that's me

that's on me I was like Dave with the wrong reference about smashing plates I'll let it slide no he's right mine was wrong yeah

so I do that I do that I now I don't know if you guys are like this when you run now you run a bit you guys all run a bit don't know if you guys are like this when you run now you you run a bit

you guys all run a bit don't you yeah like you not as much really no I run I beat you a time

all the time that's why I stopped where did competition go no oh here we go no no no I don't think no I don't think

we did have a competition I think we did because I kept messaging you like this is how fast to run the 5k's and I kept sending you times and then

I think that happened once. I reckon it happened about five times. No, no, no. I'm not defending myself. I'm saying literally. I started slowly peering out when I started, you know, breaking. I did one live on the Dum Dum Fit Club. And then I didn't hear much back from you after that.

No, no, no. I completely. You got up absolutely off your head one day. Did a fucking amazing time. Then nearly killed yourself after it. Yeah, I just think that's the one time you've run. Blakey, the last time I saw you run was when you did the half marathon

around Albert Park Road. Oh, God. Weirdly enough, the raw dog was completely head to toe in Lycra. You had like the... I had my wrestling suit on? Yeah, and I was... I've been charging it all last night,

and I'm like, nah, yeah, overly sweating when you're dehydrated is a really good move. I was drinking with you that night yeah yeah i stopped i reckon i stopped drinking at 4 a.m and then i had a pizza then i forgot i had to do the race and then started running at seven oh it was fucked yeah it was the worst decision so i don't know if you guys do this but um when you're running i find like you get a bit not blocked up's the wrong way but I've never been running and sort of thinking

oh gee I need to go to the toilet I feel like that delays it a lot yes do you think that? of course this sounds like the poo jogger who's trying to cover okay sure mate

I feel like that office works card's about to get another run well look strap in let's get into this story so I feel like this is this is not what I want to be known for but you

know i thought we'd start this podcast 10 years ago and it's like you know some clever funny humor and this sort of thing just keeps happening to me funny humor i remember my first story from this thing was remembering you saying you you did a shit on a homeless guy's um uh mattress for an audition for big brother. Well, good. Now that you know that story, you'll come to grips pretty easy with this story. By the way, it was you auditioning for Big Brother and you told the people auditioning you about how you'd taken a shit.

Yes. The way Blakey phrased it made it sound like you had gone out and done that thinking, this is going to get me on Big Brother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Taking a shit on a homeless man's mattress. The producers are going to just be bowled over by this undeniable talent.

I mean, mind a bit of the information. The story's the same. Move on, Tommy. Yeah, it wasn't that far off. I was the one telling the producers this story and them going, no thank you. There would have been no hot dogs just up late with the homeless mattress shit on.

That was a Big Brown on top. Yeah, up late with hot logs. Yeah, this is Big Brother. Come to the diary room. Cool. Is there a dunny in there? Dunny. They should in that show.

The diary room should just be the dunny. Yeah. You do knock that off while you're on the can it'd be way more entertaining that's true and you know you've got an extra you've got more room

in the house for everyone else exactly yeah exactly make another bedroom or something yeah so I've always thought

a bit like that like I've never felt like oh gee I need to do a wee when I'm running or anything I feel like everything goes on pause when you go for a run is that is that and honestly depends how much food i got me my son like i've

done that big meal thing i think i'll go for a run this is a mistake if you do like a like a piss it all goes away just everything goes on but i think it's to do with kind of like adrenaline and because it's sort of like with doing a gig or whatever yeah if you really need to piss or whatever before you do stand up yeah you're not thinking once you're up there you're not thinking about it yeah exactly then when you get off it's all okay return to normal your body's back in its normal yeah i've been really sick and been able to do like our shows just because it's like yeah you start up and it's like your body just same thing yeah yeah for sure now that's what i've got covid right now but i'm just pushing through yeah yeah nice nice you're just getting rid of it for the podcast i

kissed you twice so the first one I got it The second one cancelled out So it's sick Oh yeah Yeah that seems watertight Yeah yeah sweet He also raw dogged me Sorry that's 20 bucks I've already made 60 dollars tonight

It doesn't pay off Fuck you cunts So How much do I have to pay To do it to you And be yelling out This I love doing this raw dogging Look, I said $20 at the top

We'll just keep It doesn't matter what's going on It's $20 I feel like we need to explain to overseas listeners what raw dogging is No, let's start now I reckon you clearly did it Yeah

For people overseas it's sex without a condom So just so you know That's not what I thought it was Great So Yuck, Carl Last couple of weeks Last couple of weeks It's makeup Great So Yuck Carl That's actually

Mr. Ripken Last couple of weeks Last couple of weeks It's makeup Yeah It's a men's line You fucking pig You're horrendous

Can't really think of that stuff Last couple of weeks I've been running I've been running For like two months Whatever it is Last couple of weeks I think things are changing

Biologically for me You're going through menopause Well Fucking face Does look a bit. You're going through menopause? Fucking face does look a bit red. I'm going through the change. The change down there. But it's in my arsehole, I think. It's dried up or got wetter?

Yeah, it's got hotter. It's got hotter. It's going to blemish. Your arse can't get pregnant anymore? No, it's giving birth more, actually. I'm going to fire your arsehole, actually. I'm getting a fiery asshole. Yeah. It's producing a lot more. It's not producing eggs.

I don't know. Where do we get to? Can we please go back to talking about you fucking six-year-old? Please go back to my product line of raw dog range. It's as less disgusting as this. I want lockdown to come back in. Get the fuck out of my house. Honestly, when I was running the other night,

I wish lockdown had been in operation. Carl telling the story over Zoom. Just delay after everything. This is proof to the governing bodies. Don't lock us up for too long. This is what happens. This is it. It's either this story,

or if something funny happens to Tommy when he's playing Mario Brothers, that's it. That's all we've got at the moment. So, I've ever run... Oh, fuck. Now, this bit of the story,

you're not going to enjoy after the rest of it. You didn't say you weren't enjoying it. No, no. Well, maybe I'm not going to enjoy it. So, I've never had this happen before

where I've been running and I'm like, oh, man, I need to go to the toilet bad. Like, very bad number ones not number ones not number ones

poo poo number two as my wife says calls it number twos so the accident also the same issue yeah

another but the sense of things you're the accident I got really close to home I got really close home on the way home and I just could not hold it in anymore. I was like,

right, I've got it. And this is like 10 o'clock at night and I detoured. And you live in a nice area. Yes.

Yes. And there's a, there's a school near my house and there's a playground near my house. You were spoken

for me. I thought you were banned from the playgrounds after your last incidents. Yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Guys, we've got to have a moratorium on the pedophile talk

so that he can finish his shitting himself story. Sorry. We're crossing the streams at the moment. A bit of respect for a guy who's about to do his shit. It's a bit too overwhelming. Yeah. Let's forget. We haven't been hanging out in the same room for a long time.

Four men in a room get together and this is what happens. People are going to be begging for Zoom calls to come back after this. So true. Well, when we get locked up, we're like, there we go. There's isolation for us from five to seven. Look, guys, if you want to lock up the rest of this episode, feel free to lock it up. Go outside. I feel like we're all going to be locked up for a very long time after this.

Different type of sale. 10 o'clock at night, 10.30 at night. I was like, you know what? I can get away with this. I cannot get home. I cannot get home in time for this. Run faster. There's, man. It was preventing me from running faster.

There's shit near Jack's. Anyway. Anyway, so, I pulled off to the side of the road. There's a big bunch of bushes near this school. I'm like, okay, well well this has got to be it I went in the bushes pulled the ducks down hit the button

boom it's way clean now the button? yeah what's that one of those Japanese toilets in there in the bushes you hit my own

mental shit button you fingered your dot no no no just to loosen it up you hit the G spot bang I came in the bushes oh you raw togged yourself

that's great That's great. That's great. We just assume he's been talking about shit this whole time and it's like, I just had to come. I really had to nut one off in the bushes. I couldn't wait until I got home. I couldn't even come bush, which is also one of the funny fellas. Yeah, the ejaculating bush.

It goes back to the raw dog. All of a sudden I came in a bush and boom. So I was like, right. And it just went, and it was really easy. You know, the thing was, I just went, I pulled the pants down, went bang. No, hang on. Let's wind back. How were you, are you squatting?

Squatting. I've never shat in the open. How do you? Squatting. What are you holding onto something? It's just like pretending there's a chair. Show me now. It's pretending there's a chair when there's not a chair.

It's like pull the pants down like that Yeah that's going to hit your heels I'm looking at the angle right now No no no Pushing it right out This is the worst thing I've ever seen That is hitting your upper thigh

It's not That is not a clean break It's out at the most Westerly point No And it's pointing out Worst night of my life It didn't go near my feet

Sorry I'm about to Ready to raw dog Something else over here So I went out Bang we're done We're hidden in the bush I've gotten away with it I'm about to Ready to raw dug Something else over here So I went out Bang we're done We're hidden in the bush I've gotten away with it I'm like great

Awesome So you hit Okay It's out It's bang I'm in the middle of the bush Was it a solid sound Or a soft sound

Solid sound It was like the perfect crime Right So I've gotten away with it In a bush A little way away from my house So this is 10pm This is 10pm

Yeah So Not AM I'm like that's a bit of a... Different story. Yes. Oh, yeah, you've got your p.m.s and a.m.s wrong. It wasn't, yeah, it wasn't time for fucking,

like, playtime or anything like that. It wasn't then. It was at night. So I got away with it, and I thought, oh, that was pretty easy. Nice. So two days later, I went for another run, same time of night.

Wait, wait. One more question Yes You're like Everything was fine It wasn't Because you were walking home With a muddy arsehole

Yes No that's true But it was quite It was quite a clean break Right I just thought I'd mention That would be the worst walk ever But that's

That's kind of That's part of the deal Yeah You know that that's You know that that's what you're in for When you're deciding to do it Yeah the clean break You're like I walked away It was when you're deciding to do it you have a clean break you're like

I walked away it was great you're like no I walked home with a rank R yes but also you didn't bring that up I was in the middle

of like a bush there was plenty of leaves around I just got one like one of those nice leaves put it between my cracks walked home

Jesus Christ aloe vera branch or something yeah yeah yeah nature's poison ivy I don't know if you've ever

heard of it anyway no it wasn't that it wasn't that. It wasn't that. Eucalyptus. Yes. Good on you. Something nice.

Something I treated myself. Yeah, ooh, love us. It actually smelled quite... To be honest, after your ass having an Officeworks card, anything would feel like heaven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a step up. So, two days...

It was just a koala. What the hell was that? Oh! She's got a bit of a kick to her. Oh, that's a spicy mid-ball. I might try something else after that, actually. So, two days later, I go for a run. Oh, chlamydia again.

Two days later, I go for another run. Same routine. I go. Now, I've never had a worse pain in my life, I take off, it's back, it's not, no,

but before I was just sort of busting to go, and that was it, but this time, I get this, this crazy, tightness in my stomach, I'm like, this is,

this is stopping me from running properly, I'm running, and then I sort of go, soon into the run, like pretty soon into the run, or, no, this is like probably,

maybe seven to ten minutes into the run, so I'm like, oh god, that's stopping me, oh, and I'm like, okay, I the run? No, this is like probably maybe seven to ten minutes into the run. So I'm like, oh, God, that's stopping me. And I'm like, okay, I'll run through this. It's almost like a really, really, really bad stitch. And then I get going. This is the problem with you all. I've told my mad diary, I go, I'll run through this. This is the problem with you or anyone.

It's like once you've had your first shitting in public debacle, it's a whole new world. Your life's never the same again because it happens and you realise it's not as bad as you always feared it being. And so now you're just thinking, you probably need to take a shit just before you leave the house. And you're like, why bother? Why dirty the toilet if I'm fine with doing it in a park in 15 minutes?

On the door, your girlfriend's like, I'll be out in two minutes, don't worry. I've already done it off the balcony, don't worry. Because they say they don't know about flashes. It's almost like you risk it, then they know they can get away with it, and then they know he's going to get worse. So it's good that you've come out, I think, about this now

to try and nip it in the bud. Yes. We're going to see you on the news, you're that public shitter with his ass bent over, an 80-year-old man. When the gigs are back on, he'll be opening up. Okay, guys, we've got a big night for this. Hold on a second.

Before I bring on your MC. Speaking of big nights, we've got a big night. Please hold on a second before I bring on your MC. Speaking of big nights, I've got a big old turn. Don't forget tomorrow and next week. Speaking of the last act, taking a shit on stage. So I get this crazy pain in my stomach and I'm like, all right,

this might be a stitch. I'll run through it. I keep going. And you're on a main road. You're running up a main road. Major road. Major road. I'm not off in the dark straight or anything.

So I get nearly to your house. I get the second wave. I'm being dragged into this. Yeah, yeah. I see. Also, watch your step when you walk around here. Yeah, you know, I'm fucking in. I can see you and Nick in the distance.

I'm like, all right, I'm close to yours. I turn around. That's the second. I'm like, oh, my God. This is... And I'm kind of thinking, let's run through this because I'm at the furthest point from my house. I'm a long way from home.

Yeah. Let's just push through this and keep running. Yeah. So I'm like, all right. The second lot goes away. All right. Third lot. And, you know, third lot comes on and it gets to that point where it's so severe that I

actually say out loud, fuck me dead. Jesus Christ. It's so bad. I'm bending over as I'm running. I'm like, all right, well, this is unrealistic now to continue matters as they are. Bending over in the street and going, fuck me. When really the last thing you want is extra things in your ass. Do you listen to iPods or anything like that? Yes.

So you have no concept of who's around you? No. Or volume. Even that initial shit, maybe there was, who's around you no even that initial shit maybe there was but you just had no idea no i was going to the stone age we're hanging into your eardrums so the third the third one i'm like right this is severe i can't continue on and then i'm like all right i'm gonna have to do something but where i was the first time it was quite remote like the bit the the school

and the bushes whatever there's not a lot of action going not a lot of traffic there now this is in a this is in a major

retail section of Richmond this is like I know it's 10 o'clock at night this is Bridge Road Richmond oh the one

with the police station on it there's a lot of junkies so it could be anyone it was at least two blocks away from the police station so give me a bit of credit.

Smart. If anyone doesn't know, I'm actually tapping my head right now. So I'm bent over. I'm like, jeez, all right, I'm going to have to do something here. Now, it's nowhere near... You've just said, fuck me dead. Yeah. Pulled your stripes down.

No, well, you're skipping ahead of the story. Who said I was going to do that? You can't take a shit out the front of Nick Scarley or whatever. So you've got to find somewhere else to go.

I'm very close to that. That's a very good... I've got your Italian leather right here, Jeff. Was that weird that we had got the Dorucci guy?

You know what I mean? Yeah, Dorucci. The cunt of the airport. The old cunt of the airport. Yeah, the old guy of the airport and it's just that white leather lounge. To be fair, if that guy...

He's just humbled by a human shit near him. I'm obsessed with DeRucci. Oh, man. If DeRucci looked down at what I was doing, he would have had... That expression was fucking perfect. DeRucci out of the airport. They've just been there for like 20 years or whatever.

It's like, who is this cunt? It's a weird leather... Like, who buys a leather bed just him putting his head in there like he's like got the fucking brand he

thinks he's got the brand recognition of like Steve Jobs or whatever like people want to see the man they want to see the face of the company the leather bed the

only person who buys a leather bed is fucking old Nick Chibinopoulos over here for sure no one else and also that Darucci guy looks pretty unhappy with

the product he's spruiking as well. He looks like he needs to do a shit on the street fast. Yes. So I'm in the main drag. I'm like, right. There's nowhere to go.

There's nothing open. There's no toilets open. Not even, you know, McDonald's is miles away. There's nothing open at all. So this is sort of like, like honestly about fucking two or three or four meters off the main street. There's this,

there's this little side street and there's just these horrible bushes there. Like not, no leaves or anything, whatever. Now that you've had the best a couple of months before, this is a real, yeah. Not only do you need to shit,

you're judging the bushes you need to shit in. Yeah, yeah. These leaves aren't up to my standard. It wasn't good enough for me to take a shit in public on. Yeah, yeah. So, and not only that, but this time... Is this deciduous?

I'm not doing it. Is this native? I'm not that animal. This feels native. So, it's... Beggars can't be choosers at this point. Now, I'm in big, big trouble. Shitters can't be choosers.

Yeah, yeah. So, if you had a bit more time, you could go and treat yourself to a little romp in the Botanic Gardens. Yes. Oh, heaven. Variety of spaces. New Zealand. I'd love to go through the nursery now and take my top five choices,

but unfortunately none of them were available to me. It was some horrible sort of a shrub thing, very spiky. Definitely nothing to wipe your ass with, anything like that. It was out the front of someone'sub thing, very spiky, definitely nothing to wipe your ass with, anything like that. It was out the front of someone's house as well. There wasn't a lot of cover. Like before, I was camouflaged. I was camouflaged.

How do you go when you're watching Gardening Australia and Costa's like, oh, that's a bloody good bush. Costa, Kenny, it's the same thing as far as Carl's concerned. Yeah. I've got a bit of a green finger. I've got a brown ass. Is that similar? So I'm out the front of...

Carl sees it as constantly fertilising. I'm actually helping out. Yeah, that would be gets busted. I'm doing you a favour, cunt. I'm helping this thing grow. And eventually when the foliage is good, I can use it to wipe my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The snake eats its own tail. It sort of goes... The snake shits in its own mouth. So, now this, like I said, this is a much worse situation. There's no camouflage. There's no hiding within the bushes or anything like this. It's a spiky thing, spiky shrub thing. It's not even that tall.

The other things I could hide myself in, this is only about a couple of feet off the ground. It's a traffic cone, by the ground. It's a traffic cone by the sound of things. It's out the front of someone's house as well. This is in like, you know. In someone's front garden.

It's not in someone's front garden. It's out the front of their house. This feels like a threat. It's like you've been hired. It's only a couple of metres from the main,

from Bridge Road so there's major like lightage happening as well. There's no hiding but this is the only option that's available to available to me by far there's nothing else but this did it cross your mind and i'm not saying i would do this i'm just interested would you would it cross your mind to knock on the door and be

like i'm begging because i've thought that before i've been in pretty bad way and thought do i just go to someone's house and go i know this is like really full on and brutal, but I'm so sick. Please, if you have any shred of kindness in you, can I come in and use you? And let a random dude just do a fucking Bronson in your toilet? I've got shit in my bushes. I agree, but not only that though, that's such the worst when someone is, like, desperate to take a shit in your house, it's like, this is going to wreck my bathroom. This is going to be...

What religion are you? I'd rather sign up to this at the front door than you do a fucking shit in my lounge room. Yeah, well, that's the thing. If you said, please don't use your bathroom, or it's going to be in your front yard. Yes, there you go. I reckon I'd just kick the fuck out of you and just leave.

You know what I mean? I don't think the fuck would come out. I think the shit would come out. Absolutely. No. Yeah.

Slam him in the gut. Make him shit his pants and go now to your wall. Walk away champ. Yeah. Yours to take home. Just like American

History X style. Getting him to bite down on the curb and then put your foot on his head hoping it's going to squeeze it out of him. Put his ass on the curb and then put your foot on his head hoping it's going to squeeze it out of him like a fucking

put his ass put his ass on the curb like a tube of toothpaste yeah yeah it just comes out the other end put his ass on the curb and do that just kick down

on the buttocks and then trying to hit a passing car yeah yeah it all went into black and white it was the weirdest shit I've ever taken

so I I go I weigh it up. I'm like, right, fuck. Okay. There's so much light coming in. There's no, I can't hide or anything like that. I'm just literally doing it into like a spiky shrub. So I'm weighing it up.

I'm going, fuck. If someone walks out the front door, if someone walks down that that main street there's so much more chance to be seen if i've just do exactly what i did before and like pull my dacks out uh down and then like stick my ass right out in the air and hope for a clean break right so i go right how am i going to do this what about this i've never done this before but you know in like football professional sports sometimes if they're stuck out in the field they'll just sort of like pull their shorts to one side and wee down onto the grass in that way. I thought, well, maybe that could work

in the other direction as well. Maybe that could work for number twos. Like, you can just pull the shorts out to one side. Also, how short are your shorts? You know what I mean? No, they weren't that short, but I just thought if I pull the leg out... Have you got the sports undies attached to the shorts thing?

No, separate undies. Separate undies. Yeah. Separate undies. Are these Liverpool shorts as well? Just checking? No. Do you want to disgrace your team that's never going to win this year?

No, none of that. No, no. I'd rather talk about me shitting myself than talk about that thing. So I go, okay. If I do it this way, no one it's like it's like on the field it's like on tv if you're playing sports or anything like that no one's seeing anything happening you're just pulling something out something's appearing i'm just tying my shoelaces up yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm just standing here above a shrub what are you talking about

yeah yeah yeah so with what looks like a dead hedgehog hanging out of my arse. Didn't mention that he had a wild curry the night before. So, I go, buoyed by my success, two nights before, with the clean break and the quick getaway. Well, so two nights after. Maybe do a shit before you have a run, champ. Yeah, reassess the diet. What's going on? 10 o'clock at night.

Who's shitting at 10 o'clock at night? I'm not defending any of this this but this is happening to my body I'm not choosing to do it I didn't line it up I didn't book this in menopause is crazy I didn't reserve a spot

anal menopause anal menopause is wild guys so I go I pull the shorts to the side I go okay if I do the same thing

as the other night this should be sweet so I pull it across I go right if I time this properly I can be away from here in 5 seconds back straight into

the main street, running away. So I pull it across, I hit the button, and I reckon I'm 70% successful. 70 to 80% successful. Which is not a good percentage when you're doing it. We're talking shit. Success is what? On a test is good. It's good on a test.

Successive meaning like out the shorts on the ground. Yeah. No contact with you. However. 80% of it did. The remaining 20%. Where was the remaining 20%? In the ducks. Somehow ended up in the underwear. But how did you not pull it? Well, I don't know. I thought I was doing it in the

duck. I thought I was doing it properly. The thing is... When you do a big one, there's a friend sometimes. Did the friend pop out when you pull back? What are you asking him? Did he get erect? No, I'm saying when you do a shit, when you do a big shit,

sometimes after that little smaller one, a little friend pops out. Oh, I know. I think it was a lot less solid than I was anticipating. It was what? A lot less solid? Yeah. I reckon too, once it's in the DAX,

the difference between Like 20% being in there And 100% being in there Is negligible Yes Once you've got a little bit in there You may as well have just done The whole thing in there

Yes It's like a little bit pregnant The same sort of deal Yeah So Blakey's gone to my bathroom By the way I think to have

Number 6 for the day Yeah Yeah I only got 20% in Yeah he only got 20% in He's yelling it for the day. Yeah. He only got 20% and he's yelling at it. Fuck, he's doing it with the door open too. Very nice.

Now, he's doing the dream using a toilet. Wish I could have done this. So 20% is left in the underwear. And I'm like, fuck. Okay. I'm a long way from home.

I'm still 2, 2.5k from home. I'm still 2, 2.5K from home. I'm like, fuck, what's the answer here? What happens here? What's worse, knocking on someone's door to ask if you can use their toilet or knocking on the door to ask if you can borrow a towel to clean yourself up because you went to the toilet outside their house? Or underwear.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So I go, right, this is not my proudest moment. I get back onto the street. You know, it's autumn in Melbourne. There's a lot of those beautiful time of year. Yeah, lovely. There's a lot of those huge Adam and Eve sort of leaves.

Oh, the almost Canadian maple leaves. Yes, massive ones. So I'm about to run or walk 2.5km home. To me, if I had a choice between that and eucalyptus leaves, I'd take those big bad boys. Totally. Are you going maple over eucalyptus? Well I'd take those big bad boys. Totally. Are you going maple over eucalyptus?

Well, you know those big ones you used to see in Melbourne, you know, you quite see those big, like five pronged leaves. Yes. A lot of coverage.

Yes. Seem to be softer, I would say. Yes. Now, they were on the main street. I didn't have any access to them before,

five minutes before. Fuck. So then I'm like, I'm about to run back and I'm thinking, well, I've got all this stuff in my underwear.

This is, this is, this is the tragic, this is the true walk of shame. Like fuck this, this thing where people go, oh, I feel a bit bad walking home after a route. It's like, I've got undies full of shit. That's the true walk of shame. I've just fucked myself. Yes. So I see those huge leaves and go, you know what?

I'll use them as padding. You know, I'll put them in the underwear. Adult diaper. Yes. Butt implants. Yeah. Making you look like you I'll use them as padding. You know, I'll put them in the underwear. Adult diaper. Yes. Butt implants. Yeah. Making you look like you've got a big old booty. Someone's like, is that Kardashian?

Or is that Kim Kardashian? Yeah. It's a diaper, but after the event, really. It's not preventative anymore. Sure, but I can see where you're heading. It's separating me and what's already in the underwear. Isn't the leaves more uncomfortable than the shit? No, because they're nice leaves.

It's kind of a placebo thing too. Even if it's not really doing anything, just the knowledge that you tried to do something about it and you have something in place rather than going, I'm just an animal who's happy walking around with shit in my pants. I just love you coming home with a fucking pan full of leaves and your missus is like, again. Miss again.

No, but she doesn't know about any of the other times. I don't go, she doesn't know about this time. She will because her friends listen. Out of the three people in your house, she has to put up with two people shitting their pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one does it more cleanly and she's fucking zero years old. Chandler's on the change table. Accident, come in here

I was inspired by you yeah I've had one I've had one of you baby wipes are for cowards come on let's go to the botanical gardens oh baby wipes

must be nice fucking hell yeah you've got a jam in your pockets now yeah wet ones that's what you're going to be running with

yes fuck that's a great idea you're welcome get that as a website URL I don't know how you can do it babywipesforyourass.com too many ideas poo and wet wipes That's a great idea. You're welcome. So, huge leaves. Get that as a website URL. I don't know how you get it. Baby, wash your ass.com.au. Too many ideas.

Poo and wet butts. Huge leaves in my underwear, separating me from the accident that's happened down there. Okay, now I can go home. I don't have to feel it anymore. Like, it's obviously not great, but I'm not touching it anymore. It's not like it never happened,

but this is the best possible outcome, I kind of think. So, I... You're improvising. You're MacGyver. You're just improvising with the tools at hand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The incontinent MacGyver. He's fixing cars and defusing bombs.

You're putting leaves in your arsehole. Same thing. Move on. Don't know who it is. What an Aldi version of it. He would save a Guatemalan village from the Overlord. I'm just going to make sure I'm comfortable after I shit myself. Yeah, it's a spy in every episode.

He's just got to deal with how he's shitting himself on the job. Yeah. I've got a paper clip. Fuck, this is going to be a tough one. This is going to hurt. Brutal. Not enough surface area, but we'll give it a crack. So, I jog slash walk home.

You know, you're not feeling great about yourself. Oh, you're still jogging. Yeah, I agree. You want to get home quick. Call a fucking Uber, mate. What are you doing? You're not going to get in an Uber with pants full of shit. I'm not going to get on a tram with pants full of shit.

I mean, I've been in some Ubers. They smell exactly the same. Keep going. Right. So, I saunter home. I get home. I think, right, what am I going to do? Now, here's the next job.

What do I do with myself here? I get inside. How does, right, what am I going to do? Now, here's the next job. What do I do with myself here? I get inside. How does it get in the fucking shower? No, but I want to dispose. To be honest, I would have called a real estate agent. We're moving. Right.

I have to burn a whole house. Burn the house. I go down. We've got underground parking, so I go down there. I think maybe if I just take everything off, put it in the bin down there. I go, you know what? It's too bright down there. There's video cameras. I can't do that. put it in the bin down there. I go, you know what? It's too bright down there. There's video cameras. I can't do that.

That's a hell of a post to turn up on the communal apartment building off notice board. It's grainy footage. Who is this? You'll be like, to whom this shitty pants may concern. Also, imagine for the rest of my life just being neighbours with someone who's just walked down to put the cat litter in the bin and there's me with no pants on, standing by the bin looking like he's waiting to get jacked off by fucking the janitor or something.

As opposed to them normally seeing a man naked with an erection holding a fucking baby. Well, that's a different story. So, I go, right, I can't do that. I go upstairs. Someone listens to this, Pod. I go upstairs. I I can't do that. I go upstairs. Someone listens to this, Bod. I go upstairs. I could sniper you from behind. And I think, right, if I could just get past the wife,

if she's asleep or awake, I don't know. I go in. She's asleep. I think, fuck, that's some good odds. I go into the bathroom. This is better than James Bond. Yeah. This is great

Yeah Stealth Shit finger The man with the golden bum So Live and let defecate Golden brown eye So I go in Casino Royale Brown Eyed?

Casino Royale. Yeah, there's toilets in casinos. You're right. That works. That's like normal Al Yankovic over there. No parody whatsoever. What about this one? James Bond doing a shit.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So, go into the bathroom and think. 002 Z's. Oh, yeah. Nice. Nice. Here we go.

Octo Shitty's pants. Oh, no. Fuck. We got them all. Casino Royale topped it all. Yeah. Thank you. I also own that domain, so hit me up. Oh, no. Fuck, yeah. We got them all. Casino Royale topped it all. Yeah, it was good. It was a nice take. Thank you. I also own that domain, so hit me up.

Go into the bathroom and think, all right, well, I've got to get rid of this underwear. And then I take it off and sort of go, you know what? I reckon this is salvageable. Oh, my God. No. Oh, my God.

You put that in a plastic bag and throw it in the skip. Well, that's the thing. I think, you know what? That's a lot of work. I've got to double back down to the bins. I can't put it in the house bin. Blanket's got nappies. Like, you put it in the nappy bag and just be like,

oh, it's all poo in there. Obviously, accident, don't look in there. I'll put my hand up to say that I didn't think of that. Yep. Dave's done this before. Yeah, it does really read like that. Dave loves a vino. I need to fix it like Harvey Keitel in Pulp Fiction.

I need this guy around in my house once I've done it. Except it's a lot less romantic. Dave, I shit myself. Can you come round? How funny is that? You've got to clean that underwear to a good shine. I don't want any questions asked. So I think, you know what?

Salvageable. I'll get in the shower. I take a shower with the underwear. I get rid of it all. I reckon I can wear these again. I think this is actually okay. Are we talking boxes or are we talking jocks? Jocks. Fuck. shower, I take a shower with the underwear, I get rid of it all, I reckon I can wear these again. I think this is actually okay. Are we talking boxes or are we talking jocks?

Jocks. Fuck. Who wears jocks? That's smart, actually. The poo off the underwear at least could go straight down the sink. You're clean. Yes. This is also from a dad who's obviously changed two children now for the last three years,

so I'm just used to shit being around. I wanted to salvage the underwear just so you can chuck them on again for old times sake and remember all the memories you had with them. They're going to cop another round. You just to salvage the underwear just so you can chuck them on again for old times sake and remember all the memories you had with them. They're going to cop another round. You just know it. You know what I mean?

These running jogs. You don't think you can get the period panties now. Carl's got the old fucking shitsies he always whacks on. These are my girls.

I start taking them for a run every time. That could be like the sickbay underwear that you have to wear every time. Oh yes. Someone used to

piss themselves. They'd give these big fucking nana jokes yeah it's a sick bay it's like a toy story thing

where all your underwear comes to life when you're not in the room that one pair is being bullied relentlessly by all the other

pairs wait because these weren't because you obviously pooed your pants not as badly but the first day

no that didn't touch anything though didn't touch anything though didn't touch anything no no no that was clean that was a good night wasn't it

in hindsight that was a hall of famer in hindsight for sure yeah so go into the shower give them a full on silkwood shower

bang we're clean here put a bit of Pants Emperor V in there sport them you know what I mean exactly treat them good next time

slap them back down put their head and shoulders in there so that's done I think you know. Head and shoulders in there. So, that's done, I think, you know what, this is actually not too bad.

If I just like, you know, like scrunch them up, get them, get all the water out of them, chuck them in with the rest of the, you know, exercise gear into the, into the bath,

into the other bathroom where all the laundry goes. To the bathroom, someone's doing well for themselves. So I think, well, I can just about get away with this. So everyone's asleep still, bang, okay, all right. So right so i walk out there have my shower just quickly chuck all the

stuff in there and then head back out and go all right that's the end of that i reckon i've gotten away with it yeah so that's quite late at night by this time so my wife goes to to bed quite early i'll go to bed late then she'll get up early and i'll up a bit later. And what's your sleep like on this night? Are you just sleeping like a baby, because you've got, you're thinking you've gotten away with absolute nothing. It's just like a baby, I have shit myself, and now I'm sleeping like one. It's one of those things where, funny you ask that, I did feel biologically a bit different. I felt like something wrong's happened, but I've gotten away with it, so it's this weird

sort of feeling of satisfaction. You can't relax. Yeah, you've killed a man man you think you've evaded the cops but you're just you're always going to live in fear of a knock on the door

it's me I've chucked the body I've chucked the baddie off the balcony look down can't see the body must be dead though yeah

the guilty get no sleep so I'm trying yeah you're Dexter you're out on the boat you're throwing the limbs into the bay yeah but then you know maybe you'll wake up in the morning and see the news report

about how they're fishing those limbs out. That's it. They're coming for you. That's it. So it's all a little bit weird. A little bit. Dreams? Dreams this night?

I don't think there was. I don't think there was. You drowning in shit? Bushes coming to life? Don't do it again! Yeah. You shit the bed And then you've just got to

Wrap yourself in all the linen And go back into the shower And have a fucking shower Draped in the doona To wash all the shit off it They're still keepers Yep Yep

So I You know Everyone else wakes up early in the morning I sleep in a little bit You've earned it Yeah You had a big night I was up late

Busy A lot of washing Yeah A lot of running Yep exactly A lot of stress So Yeah, a lot of stuff to do. Yeah, exactly. A lot of stress. So... Conflicting an alibi.

Yeah. So my wife goes out, makes breakfast for the baby and whatever. I can sort of semi-consciously sort of figure all that stuff out. Then after breakfast, the baby's got the run of the house. So usually the baby will, you know, at some stage, loves opening and closing doors. So usually the baby will run in, open the door yell at me and then run back again. Good gear. Makes me laugh.

That point in the day comes but just like the worst horror movie of all time. The door opens. It's like the rap doors in Jurassic Park. The baby runs in. They're testing the fence. They're testing the dirty clothes basket.

The baby runs in no with something in his hand oh no it's one of those big ass fucking canadian leaves with shit on it my baby running in she's fished it out of my shorts one of these huge fucking leaves with shit all over it going hey and me going, fuck! But I thought you said you cleaned them. I cleaned my underwear, but I left the leaves in my shorts. Fucking shit, the leaves, oh my god. You left them in your shorts. To go to all the trouble of having a shower, rinsing off the shorts,

and then just forget that the leaves are in there is demented. And also, your shorts probably were black. There's a big fucking palm leaf hanging out. How did you not notice this? I don't know. I was concentrating on the undies. You were too swept up in patting yourself on the back for the getting in the shower idea and feeling like you've gotten away with it.

Yeah. You were celebrating too soon. I was concentrating on underwear full of shit. Was said wife at home at this time? Yeah, but I just grabbed it and tried to flush it. That took quite a while. Oh, my God. Flushing a full leaf.

I can imagine. It was too big of a leaf. Don't try and flush leaves. Jeez, that leaf's been through a lot. What an adventure for it. It's in a better place now. Yeah. Then you would have had to...

Did you stick the bub in the shower or anything? Like, you had to clean her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, I hope this is her first memory. I hope you got a photo of this for her 21st. But just that thing of like... Yeah, it's her old me shit leaf. She'd never seen anything that shaped before.

I mean, the leaf. If you think about it... Yeah, a leaf with a big brown kilo swap on it. In three decades, if there is any poetic justice in the world, her husband will be going, you had a fucking accident. She's like, a bad accident. That reminds me.

So wife didn't see any of this happen. No. So what do you think the likelihood is of you being ratted out to her by these friends of hers? And are you preparing a statement? Are you preparing a defense if she comes to you and goes, what the hell is this leaf? That's literally the story.

If there's one man who could try. She has a great sense of humour. She won't say anything. But one day you just come home and instead of toilet roll, it's all been replaced with leaves. That's funny. And a little nod. My defence is I had an accident. You are one. What about that? There you go. Leafs That's funny Yeah And a little nod A little nod And then we all Walk away

My defence is I had an accident You are one What about that There you go Yeah Also too For any of the parents

Maybe in Carl's area Because school went back today So Check their shoes Check all the shoes I'll sit in dog shit School's not at night You can't get me for that

I didn't do it During school hours Well Yeah but still there During school hours But I think the evidence Yeah That's not what we're saying I robbed the bank at night The You can't get me for that. I didn't do it during school hours. Well, give it still there during school hours. But I think the evidence... Yeah. That's not what we're saying. I robbed the bank at night.

The bank's only nine to five. I'm not away with it. I didn't do it on the slide. I didn't do anything like that. What do you think? Like, booze are like the tooth fairy. They just disappear by morning. Yeah, it's probably still there.

There's a little walking tour we could put together. It's not in the school. It's not a piece together where you live in the school area and they're just like the principal called you. It's not in the school. It's a piece together where you work and where you live in the school area and they're just like the principal called you. It's not in the school. Look, there's a playground

over the road. It's in the bushes. It's away from the school. It's away from the playground. It's not anywhere near. If you're letting a kid play in that bush that I shat in,

you're the bad parent, not me. Well, some kids just love leaves as you well know. Have a look at yourself. One is a man shitting in a bush. How dare you let your kids look at a shrubbery?

Yes. Like the Kramer tour, the real Carl shitting tour. You go see the brown chocolate at Spleen. You go to Officeworks, swipe the card. You go to the fucking... You can't go to Coastal Movie this year. Well, there you go. You can just tour the podcast festival.

Tour the, yeah. To be honest Same smell Yeah Great Yeah Same drainage system Same drainage system Yeah

Alright Well Better wrap it up For another week On the little dum-dum club We gotta organise a jingle For fucking these segments For Carl's

Shitting himself Yeah Yeah Corner Well I I don't know We could do that Or I'd like to challenge you

To not shit yourself in public anymore. How about that? Dude, that's crazy. I'd love it. I'd love it. At what stage after said shit in advance do you go, yeah, I'm going to put it on the pod? Like do you, is it immediate? No, it's not immediate because I'd love to not.

I'd love for other more interesting things to happen. I'd love for Tommy to bring something in. I'd love for me to have something more interesting. I've got Dad's bookie ready to go once we got onto that. Get it in. Why don't you open the show with it? Tommy, shut up and go for a three-hour run tonight and go shit in someone's bush.

Eat a curry, get on the treadmill, shit on the treadmill, be running in the shit. You have no respect for this podcast if you're not shitting yourself every night in the bush and blaming it on your kid. You've got some fucking lovely leaves here. All right. Fuck, they look good, actually.

Oh, yeah. Indoor plants, killing it. What is that fern? Triple ply? Was there a lot of people hoarding those ferns when we first went into lockdown, or what? All right, let's wrap it up. Let's say thank you to Brett Blake and Dave Thornton those ferns like when we first went into lockdown or what? Alright, let's wrap it up.

Let's say thank you to Brett Blake and Dave Thornton for joining us this week. Brett, you got your pod with Kappa.

me and Kappa do a cool pod where we find cool dudes who do, or guys and girls who do cool stuff and we talk shit.

It's called Flat Stick so get on top of that and yeah, that's about it. I think I've got my special maybe coming out soon I don't know how it works but yeah

I'll let you know stay on the Instagram at Bretty Black you'll figure it all out Dave Thornton I I have a podcast called There Will Be A Test

where we get academics in I'm available comedians sit there and then have a test at the end from what they listen to it's the opposite of this podcast.

I was going to say, I didn't get an invite for this. That's weird. No, you come in as the expert. Oh, right, right, right. So defecating your pants. Great. Professor Carl. So coming on domains, I assume.

Fashion expert. Business investment. And I'm the same as you, mate. There's a special somewhere in the ether that I'm sure, now that there's nothing going on should come out somehow we should be brutal

if they don't release it but that's still funny you know we're not that desperate yeah yeah yeah we're begging for content but we're not

yeah yeah yeah we're doing an eight part special about Carl crapping his pants we're just fan of the story yeah who's that guy

that does the last shit who's that guy that does the last shit who's that guy that does like the baseball specials Joe no John you know like baseball

that went for like eight episodes and then jazz that went for eight episodes oh okay Burns Ken Burns Ken Burns yeah

Ken Burns special on my ass mate no yours will be the last run like the last dance yeah yeah Michael Jordan special he was the greatest the last run, like the last dance. Yeah, yeah. Michael Jordan special. He was the greatest. The last leaf.

The triangle. The bush, the Dax, the shit running down the leg. It's all about the triangle. Yeah. That bush is pippin'. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.

And they've done it again. They certainly have. This is from the black department. Bernie shit a big one. Right there. Right into the bushes. Maybe Bernie, as he was kicking the big one, he did the classic, as you pointed out, the pull the shorts to the side.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Not bad. I'm sure Bernie's done a bit of that in his time a big one professional sportsman like that um like i gave you the warning at the top like i'm very aware i'm not on purpose trying to tell these stories everywhere but this is what's happening yeah you know i i i didn't go to the art gallery this week yeah i didn't uh go into an office i didn't go i didn't see any bad open micers this week at a gig.

You've got to, you know, these are the cards that have been dealt. But also, I can understand your hesitance to bring it up, but when it's got an ending like that, I mean, if it was just a story about you going, I did a shit, the end, then sure, I'd have to be like, this is brutal. Look, the thing that happened... It's cute!

The first part of the story where I just did it in thing that happened it's cute the the first part of the story where where i just did it in the bush and it's all fine that i did that and i i wasn't going to talk about it because who cares i talked about it to a couple of friends and they're like oh that's fucked are you going to talk about it on the pod and i'm like no but then when part two happened i'm like all right well that's just a bit of a setup for this part two. Yes, yes, yeah. But yes, that all happened. My child really did do all that sort of stuff. It's ridiculous. But sorry if you don't like that sort of stuff,

but that's what happened this week. That's life. We all do it. That's it. We all do it. As a child, we all pick up a huge leaf of shit on it and run into a bedroom. The end of it was like an edition of Family Circus.

You know that little one panel cartoon where a kid's always doing something precocious? Someone who can mimic the style of Family Circus should do that up. A little child holding a leaf with shit dripping off it. I guess the far side did this. The cartoon where the speech is not embedded into the cartoon. It's not a speech bubble. It's like a little bit of text underneath. I always kind of think, what's going on there?

I'm getting a call from the guest that's just been on the show. I'm going to answer the call right now. Okay. Hello, Carl speaking. Hello, Carl. Is that episode going out tomorrow? Yes, it is. Fuck.

I was going to try and put up on all those pages i mentioned a photo of you flipping people off but i don't have enough time i thought it might be next week you're live on talking dumb dumb at the moment by the way so ah okay so uh everyone's a fucking dickhead oh i was trying i was gonna like i woke my missus up I was like Babe We should put Like a photo of Carl

Be funny Oh yeah What's his name Anyway What's his name Yeah you got me Imagine being gay It's weird

Hang up Carl Yuck Anyway Alright I gotta go On that note Bye Bye bye That was worth it

That paid off Yeah Oh fuck Now he's ringing again What the fuck Yes So when does it go live Tomorrow

Oh shit Oh jeez Why can't we be in there Do you know you accidentally Rang me back Brett Hang up This is fucked Do you know you accidentally rang me back, Brett? Hang on, this is fucked. A bit of pillow talk.

Fucking hell. Behind the scenes in the Blake household. Yeah. Very nice. Yes. Wait a minute, that female voice, that sounded like my mum. Yes. Wait a minute. That female voice, that sounded like my mum.

Oh, I love comedy. Bit of mum, bit of shit. Yeah. What a podcast. What a show. Yep. So live on Zoom this Saturday, May the 30th, 8.30pm Melbourne time. Yes. That is going to be, I think, 12.30, no, 11.30am London time. That's it. Lunch I think 12.30, no 11.30 UK time.

London time? That's it, lunch time. On Saturday lunch time in London, in the UK, in most of Europe, I guess. Of course, in most of Australia, it's 8.30 Saturday night, I think in 6.30. Yes.

Yeah, but work it out. 8.30 Melbourne time. You can check out the World Clock or whatever you've got to do from there. In the US, it's in the fucking very early in the morning. So if you want to do that. Couple of dedicated people, though, I've seen. Yeah. Talked about having bought a ticket.

They're going to... What a brutal start to the day. 6am, watching Al Rot. Well, you know what? I mean, most of my life, I've gotten up early to watch Premier League football. Okay. So there's that culture. Like it's always funny when like English people come over to Australia and go,

oh, can you believe you have to do this for this one match? And it's like, yeah, man, this is every match for us. That would be funny if when we'd travel to do live shows like internationally, if we'd gone, we absolutely refused to adjust our body cloths while we were there so the gig will be happening at 8am yes yeah we just can't do it

we just can't do it any other time it's like we brought over an Australian toilet and it still flushes the same way exactly yeah

we get too homesick so I want to be going to sleep at the exact same time yeah yeah yeah I'm too patriotic yeah but yeah

littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can get tickets to that we're going to have guests some bumper guests phoning in yeah it's going to be

great it's going to be yeah it's not going to be an ep it's not going to go up on the feed it's going to be just you know

a bunch of different people calling in for a little bit at a time it's going to be a bit of a free for all and a big old fuck around

so it'll be a lot of fun a cool thing for those of you who have maybe never seen a live show especially for overseas people that maybe maybe never seen a live show uh some especially for especially for overseas people that maybe have never seen a live show um we're gonna have some international guests some interstate guests some favorites we've got a real mix happening yeah

it should be great yeah so check that out i've also got the new t-shirts and hoodies which are going to be going out soon yes now, there's been quite a bit of correspondence with people saying they haven't got it yet. Yes, you haven't got it yet. Between all the little bits of business that are going on, there's been a slight delay on all of that sort of stuff. But they will be posted out this week. So, look, there's delays all around the place,

including the fact that they're being posted out from my little house, meaning there's hundreds of items being posted out, which is literally me writing everyone's address on the fucking thing and sending it out. So that's part of the delay. Yeah. So that's going to be a great design. It looks really great.

So once again, littledumbdumbclub.com. We've got tees and we've got hoodies in black and navy. So you have four different options there to pick from. Yep, and get onto it because there are some sizes that are sold out already. So jump onto that there.

They will not last and they will not be, to be honest, we didn't say it, but we've already reprinted the hoodies once and we won't be doing it again. So get onto that.

The t-shirts won't be reprinted. It's all as it is on the site. The sizes are there, the sizes we have still. Yep. Also, you can support the show on Patreon. If you would like to, we're at the moment pumping out a couple of bonus episodes every week. Great feedback on them.

Lots of different guests popping in on those. And most importantly, as part of our thank you to you, you can potentially hear your little name read out in the back of this episode. That's it. Plenty of people have had their names read out and put into the Patreon Hall of Fame. And look, it is getting late.

To paraphrase some of the greats on this show have said before, let's try and keep this a short one tonight. Yep. It is late. We've recorded all this back to back. So the episode with Thornow and Blakey, we all got a bit too excited. We did about an hour's worth of talking shit

before we hit record on that episode. It's a bit like that at the moment. It's so nice to see people that, yeah, don't want to get straight down to brass tacks. That's it. Kind of hang out and enjoy the finer things. Gossiping about people that we do not want on the air. Yep. We need to get all

the libelous stuff out there. I mean, if you were disgusted by anything on that recorded episode, hoo boy, you should have heard what was going on before that. Yep, exactly. Yucky stuff. But, thank you to every one of you that contributed. Don't forget, if you're a contributor

also if you want to get into the class the classy action of the Dum Dum Little Dum Dum Club Millionaire Group on Facebook

it's rarefied air in there we've got the public one which is the people aware of Little Dum Dum Club private group and you know you get all sorts

in that fucking place but then you've got the rarefied air of the Patreon subscribers in the Millionaire Club. And, oh, it's just a pleasure to be in there. It's the members club. You'll be wearing a shirt and blazer to get in. You're up the front of the plane. Yep.

People serving you drinks. It is great. Unlike up the back in your wear group and you've got your knees shoved into your guts. Someone's reclining their seat in front of you. You've got your laptop getting busted into the seat. Yeah. No good. Yeah.

But, yeah, get up there and get your complimentary champagne on the way in. Get a little activity book. Yeah. Get a little tour of the cockpit. Yeah. Pilot sucks you off. All the finer things. Yeah.

All everything. 100%. Yep. So, welcome to that club. Let's do a few names and welcome these people in that may be in that group, may not be in that group. All right. It's getting late.

Blakey's texting me. Send me a photo of you both giving me the finger. Okay. Does he want us both in the same photo? Yes. Okay. I believe so. All right.

We'll do that in a minute. Yeah. All right. All right. Let's get stuck into this first. the same photo or okay i believe so all right we'll do that in a minute yeah um all right all right let's get stuck into this first uh i love the fact that this is very late at night and blake he's um like he's adding photos to urls that yeah and he has to he starts work at like 6 a.m or something at the moment brutal maybe i should maybe we should take them oh he wants it now i'll come around all right i'll come around. All right. I'll come around to where you are.

All right. We're going to have to... Man, this is... A lot of you guys won't have heard... Professional stuff. A lot of you guys won't have heard someone... Oh, fuck. Now we've got to give him the bird.

Keep the microphone up. Right. Okay, I think that's pretty good. A lot of you guys won't have heard a photo being taken on a podcast before, but that was a hell of a ride. What if we find out that's the first time that's ever happened? That is a weird-looking photo. All right, that is being sent to Brett Blake.

What an interactive bit of cinema that's happening right now. You can log on to, I believe he's putting that on the website. Click in the pit. Of the Raw Dog. Oh, the Raw Dog range. URL. Rawdogrange.com. Rawdogrange.com.

Yeah. Or whatever it was. Let's get down to business. Yeah. Let's start thanking cunts. Yeah. Let's start making jokes about people's surnames. Okay.

All first names. Mm-hmm. It's 2020. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Daniel Duffy. Fuck me, Ted. Double Ds. That's good stuff.

Yeah. Daniel Duffy. Yeah. This guy sounds like a real Duffy. That sounds like one of those terms that it's,

it sounds like it's almost non-PC. Right. Don't you think? Oh, yeah. Like saying, you know, he's a bit of a duffy. Right.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like borderline. At some stage, that's going to be cancelled. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I get it. I think, you know the phrase, up the duff?

Yes. What do you think about that? I'd quite like it if people sort of went, that's a bit sexist to say that, up the duff. That means that you've ejaculated into a woman and she's now pregnant. If I fuck a man and come into his arsehole, that should be recognised as up the duff as well. But you say it about someone who's pregnant.

I know, but maybe someone wants that extended though and be like well maybe it's not just pregnant maybe it's just the that sort of act maybe that can be extended to that sort of act so if you're saying so up the duff so being being up the duff is being pregnant so you're basically so yeah basically up the duff is, yeah, up the pussy. Ejaculated up the pussy. So then this guy's named Duffy. Only a slight bit of that. Yeah.

So a bit of pre-come up there or something. Just only Duff-esque. And maybe not right up the ass. Maybe just like around the ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. up the ass maybe just like around the ass yeah yeah yeah right yeah no um yeah i i know i quite like i quite like the the act of anal anal sex being described as up the duff like just extended yeah i think that i think it's too bedded in people's knowledge people's people's brains as

if you if you've got a term for being pregnant and you're all of a sudden trying to start using it for fucking men up the ass i just reckon you're going to run into a lot of problems oh okay all right well you know i just i just like the the idea of a man fucking another man up the ass to have like a nice quaint expression like that like up the duff it's sort of cute sort of nice it's a nice way of it's a cute way of describing it like to the kids like you would be able to say to a kid oh she's up the duff like you can say that to a kid that's not rude yes yes so it'd be nice to be able to explain to someone to your grandma oh i fucked that man up the ass right i i get him up the duff yeah yeah he's up he's up the duff i'm but i a huge, huge fan of the term bumming.

Right, okay. And so the idea that something could come along that would potentially challenge that and get that out of people's, you know, vocab. I'm not into it. But would you say that to your grandma? Say that guy over there, yeah, I bummed him. She actually passed away in October.

Right. And so just, I can't believe you would bring that up. Right. I can't believe you would bring up my nan. Right. That I bummed to death. Thanks, Daniel. Well, I mean, I would say, sure, I would say,

but I mean, I would say, sure, I would say, but I mean, is there an inherently more polite way to talk about having anal sex with a man in front of your gran? Well, that's why. Once you're talking about it anyway, I don't really think the term that you use matters all that much. If you've got a nan that's down to just hear about it, then, yeah, she can be fine with hearing bumming. Yeah, what i'm saying is i don't think that a term exists i'm saying i would like

there for a term to exist because being up the duff that means a man ejaculated into a woman's vagina like that if you said that to a grandma i'd be like oh yuck but up the duff is just cute you can have you could call a children's book Up the Duff. It's pretty inoffensive for the act that it is. For the vile act that it is, the grotesque act that it is. Yeah, for the disgusting against God act. Yes, yeah. Now, you know, doing a big old cream pie up a man's bum hole, I just think there should be a, you know.

Again, cream pie is a very gendered term. Right. Again, that's never, that's commonly you only ever hear that used in relation to a woman. Yeah. So. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And again, that's, I mean, that's. To be fair, we're probably not watching the videos that do use it in the other way.

Maybe they do. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, true. Good point. Well, anyway, thanks, Daniel. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Duffy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, true. Good point. Well, anyway, thanks, Daniel. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Duffy.

Yeah. Thanks, Duff. I hope you enjoyed waiting 12 months to have that talk off the back of your neck. I think he probably knew this was coming. Yeah, to be fair, he probably got worse in high school. Thank you, Patreon subscriber Mark Walsh. Wow, from the bounty of Daniel Duffy to the fucking desert of Mark Walsh. Wow. From the bounty of Daniel Duffy to

the fucking desert of Mark Walsh. This is really hard work. This would be hard at three in the afternoon, let alone eleven at night. This is a slog. Mark Walsh. I mean, look,

obviously very grateful that anyone chooses to financially support the show. But if you've got such a dull name, you know that we're having to do this. Just think twice about it or put in a... Put the middle name in. Put the middle name in. Put an occupation. Just put an embarrassing fact about yourself that we can riff on and pretend that we came up with it. Yeah. Just change your name maybe you know what give yourself one of those double barreled names where look your name's mark walsh that's great you know we get it but the code is

if you think your name doesn't stand isn't going to be very fertile very very fecund, very good for inspiration. Go, okay, my name's Mark Walsh. For this, when I sign up to Patreon, I add a hyphen to the last name, and then I just put in a random other word. I just have a crack. Okay, yeah, that's pretty good. All of a sudden, thank you very much for subscribing, Mark Walsh hyphen lizard dick.

Yeah, Mark Walsh bumming. Yes. We'd have a great time with that. Yeah. That'salsh bumming. Yes. We'd have a great time with that. Yeah. That's the new thing. If you think your name's boring, add a hyphen bumming onto the end of it. If you think you haven't given enough, if you put in the cash for Patreon and you still think, no, these boys need another hand, whack on a hyphen and another word on the end of

your name. Yep. I'm paying them to do their job, and now guess what? I'm going to do their job for them. You can be our muse in two different ways, financially and artistically. I was joking the other day to my girlfriend about how I was just going to start introducing her to people as my muse. When we go back to being able to hang out. Can you think of a more grotesque way of introducing a partner?

Yeah, I like it. Yeah. And then I brutally, and I didn't mean it like this. I said, it's actually, you're kind of a little too old to be a partner. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. And then I brutally, and I didn't mean it like this, I said, it's actually, you're kind of a little too old to be a muse. But by which I meant, it generally has the connotation, like I'm 33, it generally has the connotation of like, I'm dating a 20-year-old. Okay.

You know, muse in the sense of like, I'm an artist and this is a person around who inspires me. In my head, it conjures up an image of like a dramatic age gap. It doesn't do that for me, but I haven't thought about it. But you know what it does make me think now that you say that? You never hear of a woman going, oh, he's my muse. Yeah. It's like, no, girls are like, no, we've got it.

We don't need some fuckhead guy to get ideas out of. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there are people out there that have male. You wouldn't get a famous female artist using a man as a muse. It just wouldn't happen. I'd love to hear an example, but I just don't think it's... No one's going this is kevin my muse well my girlfriend has done exhibitions in the past so if she does one in

the future i i'm just going to assign it to myself oh i'm just holding court in the gallery going i'm her muse put it you know print out an a4 at office works on the way into the gallery. You just stick it in Times, New Rome and 48 Point. Yep. Classic font. Muse. Tommy Dasolo. Colon.

Yep. Special thanks to Muse. Colon, Tommy Dasolo. That's so... That's... You're right. It's like no woman goes, this man is my muse.

But that is a very male thing to go, I inspired all of this. She would never have been able to coax this stuff out of her dumb, small brain without the great inspiration and just supportive, loving nature that I give her. That's the more male approach. And also you doing it without asking her.

You're just like, she's finishing off everything in the back of the gallery and you just walk up there with the A4 and go, just stick that there. That'll sort that. She's like, I've never said you're my muse. I'm like, oh, well, it goes without saying. I mean, how could I not be? Look at me.

I'm an inspiration. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This couldn't have happened without me. Yep. Incredible. Okay. Thanks, Mark. Thanks, Mark.

Thanks, Mark. Thanks for being our muse on that riff. Yeah. Thanks. Mark. Thanks, Mark. Thanks, Mark. For being our muse on that riff. Yeah. Thanks. And thanks for your beautiful name, Mark Come Up A Man's Bum. Yeah. Yep. Walsh.

Mark Walsh. Mark Walsh. Mark Walsh. Come Up A Man's Bum. Yep. Great. Mark Walsh Male Cream Pie. Yep.

Great. All right. Let's move on to the next one. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, all right. Are we back in business? From boiled lollies to chocolates. Here we go.

Thank you to Patreon. I actually don't mind a boiled lolly, but anyway. Me too. Yeah. Fuck. The only thing that comes to mind, the first thing I should say that comes to mind when you say Sovereign Hill Ballarat is raspberry boiled lollies.

Those raspberry drops, as they call them. What are those things called? I remember always getting them in Castlemaine when we would go there. The little Castlemaine rock things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are the ones that they only sell there or whatever. Are they a similar kind of...

They're a boiled lolly, aren't they? I remember wanting to get them because it's like well it's a lolly and something about this the fact that you can only get it here feels cool and they're never been quite sure i'm like i don't know if i like these or not no yeah taking halfway through a tin to go i'm still on the fence about what the fuck this is i think you know when you're a kid and you see things on tv and you go wow that's on tv i want one of those and like you'd always see like christmas time you those candy canes and you just go wow that looks amazing yes yeah and i'd get a candy disgusting this sucks shit toffee apple toffee apple because it was always in american stuff and then the handful of times i'd be around one go oh mom can i have a toffee apple and then be like oh it's just

like an actual apple yeah but with just gross hard shit on the like chip my teeth on one once like oh yeah no thank you no candy cane looks great in a cartoon though yes absolutely in a comic book yeah um right thank you oh god here we go right hit. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Simha Mamaleni. Be careful what you wish for. Mamaleni. Mamaleni. Yes, that's it.

Simmer Mama Lenany. That's the name. Okay. Simmer Mama Lenany. Lenany. Just like I was saying, you know, if you've got a bit of a dull name. White's only from now on. Yeah, just, you know what, maybe some people out there,

maybe do what your ancestors did decades ago, and you come to this country and you call yourself Bill or Steve, you know? Yeah. Instead of making some poor podcaster stumble across your name like you, you know. Well, you know, either that. I mean, it's just, it makes us look stupid, quite frankly. Yeah. And the people that listen to this look up to us and admire us and respect us.

And then we're having to kind of add ourselves as the kind of culturally ignorant buffoons that we are by stumbling over this name. We can't afford to lose face in front of the public like that. So you're a fan of this. You should want us to succeed. Just put yourself in our shoes and throw us a freaking bone. Sorry, but on top of everything else, Blakey's now texting me a picture of his girlfriend

updating the website with our picture on it and the first post from the raw dog range instagram account is that picture we've just taken of ourselves okay great and the way he's done it he's edited out you giving the bird it's just me giving the bird oh and then you behind me without the bird oh so he's cut my bird out cut your bird oh that's cool that makes me look like the polite one yeah yeah so yeah, yeah. So now it's just made you look just so rude. Yeah. Because it's not a group activity.

I look pretty cool. Pretty rebellious, though. Because he edited in like a speech bubble of me begging, going, please, Carl, don't flip off the camera. Just classic Blakey caption. Welcome, at Carl Chandler and at Dasalo, to a multi-million, 17 exclamation marks, dollar, exclamation marks, company, exclamation marks, at Little Dunlop Club.

P.S. I shat myself on the way home. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah. I can see this now. Yeah. I've been tagged in it. I like his profile picture. I'm going to follow it.

Wow. I predict big things from this Instagram account. Yeah. At least another couple of days worth of action at least anyway. Yeah. Simha. Simha. I like Simha.

I like that as a name. Yeah. That's cool. Is that male or female? That's what I was about to ask you. I am going to guess male. Something about it makes me think. Makes me think of getting bummed.

Right. Right. it makes me think makes me think of getting bummed right right um let's have a bit of a look on facebook let's just put up simmer as a first name i haven't even found simmer as a first name here oh no he's there's a famous simmer a famous one oh no that's a that's that's a movie what a guy in the profile pic though okay all right i'm gonna say male yeah i think that's a movie. It's got a guy in the profile pic, though. Okay. All right, I'm going to say male. Yeah, I think male's a fair guess. I'm going to say male.

Now, next question. What do you think the nationality is? Ooh. It's hard. What a spicy game. Say the surname again. Really? Mama.

Mama Lenany. British. I'm going to play it safe. Born and raised in Britain. Okay. All right. Okay. I was going to go with Scottish, but okay. English does make more sense.

Simha. I was going to go with Scottish, but okay. English does make more sense. Simha. I like Simha. It's really, the more I say it, it's really growing on me. Look, I think just reading this name out has given this podcast more diversity than it has for quite a while. Yes, that's pretty fair. So this is a good thing for us. Yeah.

That's so great. Us trying to claim names that we've read out in the back end of the show as diversity quota. And also names that we can't even read out properly ourselves. We're inclusive. Just give us a fucking, name yourself John Brown. Yeah. Sim Simha.

Mama Lenany. I get a good, I'm getting a good vibe from Simha. Sure. I get a good, I'm getting a good vibe from Simmer. Sure. It's, I have to say, I usually back myself with some pronunciations, but it really made me work then. Yeah. It was.

You were sweating bullets. I was. And I'll, you know, Simmer, Mama, Mama Lenini. Having said that, now it seems like it's just water out of a tap right now. Yeah. Simmer, Mama Lenini. Like, not great water, but yeah. It's coming out. Adelaide water.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's coming out. It's just not... No one wants it. Yeah. It's fucked. Yeah. It could be better.

It could be flowing better, I guess. It sprung a leak somewhere along the way. There's a bit of... Anyway, I'm not going to say anything more. Simha. Simha. Simha. I'd like more information, to be honest. You know, Mark Walsh, I don't really need to hear from.

No. Works in IT. Yeah. Simha, I'd like to know more about what's going on. What's the deal? Yeah. Well, you know,

we need an answer to the question, first and foremost. Are we correct? Is this a man? I feel pretty confident in that yep and are we pronouncing the name right yeah and um do your parents approve you listening to the podcast yes of you putting your hard-earned money into this show yeah to show let us know showing you the ultimate disrespect by everything that we've said so far yes yeah but again you must

have known this was coming. Yes. So it's officially on you at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're listening every week going, see, I'd like my name read out and I can't wait for it to be absolutely fucked up. Just butchered.

I can't wait for these two to go right up the duff with my surname. Yeah, everyone else is like, oh, how are they going to hang shit on me? But, you know, Sim is like, how are they just going to fucking just squander this opportunity? Exactly. And just mispronounce it to all fucking directions. Well, I hope we've proved you right. We've, I hope dreams have come true for you tonight. Yeah. Cause I mean, we, we can't, we can't,

it is pretty funny to have a surname with Mama in it. Yes, that's good. That's really good. It is pretty funny. Like, that's... Is that your nickname? Mama? I'd imagine it would be. If I knew this guy, I'd be calling him Mama.

Do you somehow squeeze this into when you hear Bohemian Rhapsody on the radio? Mama, a-lan-an-an-y. Jesus Christ. I saw my mama yesterday for the first time in, since like well before everything kicked off. I saw my mama for the first time two days ago. Probably nearly the same amount of time. Oh no, more than the same amount of time no more than the same amount of time my mom texted me to say um that they were here i was meeting them for lunch

in a park and she texted to say hey we're parked in the street and i wrote back and said okay i'll come down now and then i got a message back from her saying tom coming now and then another and then a follow-up a couple minutes after that as I was walking saying oh sorry that was meant for dad and I'm like dad's next to you

in the car this just raises more questions no are you not on talking speaking to him yeah what the fuck's going on

yeah yeah yeah very confusing well I taught my taught my mum to um to use her iPhone that I sent her in the mail mhm uh quite not quite, you know, weeks and weeks ago. I sent her one in the mail just basically so we could do FaceTime with my daughter.

Yep. And send her pictures. She had like a proper old school piece of shit phone where she could save six pictures, I think, on the phone. Yep. So she was just constantly rotating all the pictures I was sending her. She had to delete pictures. One in, one out. Yep.

Yep. Had to choose which pictures she liked the best, all that sort of stuff. So I sent her an iPhone. She didn't know how to use it in terms of texting. Yep. So she'd get the photo onto her iPhone and then go back to her Nokia and then text me to go, that was a nice picture. Okay, right, right.

That's not too bad. Bit of double handling there. Bit of double handling, but probably easier to just cop that than to teach her the ins and outs of iPhone use. Sure, but I saw her on the weekend and she did say, look, one question, how do you text on the iPhone? So I showed her how to text. So I got my first ever text from her on the iPhone last night.

And I sent her a picture of a little blanket, her granddaughter blanket in the bath, surrounded with bubbles. Cute little picture. I get the text message response that is this. It says, bathing beauty bra. B-R-A. And then 17 returns.

So just then a huge gap. Huge space, yeah. Okay. So I'm not quite sure what she was attempting there. Bathing beauty bra. Was she maybe wanting to... I don't think she's presuming that she's in a cold bath. I don't think she's presuming I've put her in a cold, bubbly bath.

She could have just slipped a couple of times before she's hit. I think she just meant to cap it off at bathing beauty and then that somehow just accidentally... That somehow slipped in there as she was working her finger down to the send button. I love that you try to type nothing and you end up with bra. Yeah. That's quite a good miss end up with bra. Yeah. That's a good... That's quite a good misspelling of nothing.

Yeah. What were you trying to spell there? Auto-correct. Well, you know, you say nothing, but it's pretty obvious what you were going for. Pretty obvious you were thinking bra. You're trying to be polite, but it's obvious what you were aiming for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thanks, Simha.

Thanks, Simha. Thanks, Simha bra. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, I've done it again. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Well, I've done it again. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Lavinia. Wacacalo. Wacacalo.

Wacacalo. Yeah. Lavinia. Wacacalo. Lavinia. Wacacalo. Okay. L. Check this out for a spelling

Yep All up L-A-V-I-N-Y-A Jesus Christ Yeah Yep You think that's enough W-A-Q-A-K-A-L-O-U

Okay Yeah I feel kind of special that someone with a name as amazing as this has signed up to us. Yeah. I don't think I've... If you would have given me that name 24 hours ago and go, imagine you having this person in some way in your life. I'd be like, I don't believe that that is possible.

No, but dreams do come true. Yeah. I like Lavinia. I like the name Lavinia, but I don't know that that is possible. No, but dreams do come true. Yeah. I like Lavinia. I like the name Lavinia. But I don't know that I'm into this spelling. I hate to say it. I'm with you. Maybe I'd be different if I was looking at it in front of me.

But I think that... Are you happy with the spelling of the name Wakakalu? Yeah, can't fault that. Would you prefer that to be spelt differently? I don't like the O-U on the end. What would you rather? I don't know the O-U on the end. Oh, what would you rather? I don't know. It's just kind of a weird...

It's not like a strong end sound to a name. There's so much going on in the first five letters. W-A-Q-A-K. Whackack? That's crazy having the Q and the K. Having two different cracks at the same sound is pretty nuts. It's incredible. Who fucking came up with this name?

Man. What kind of freaky character came up with this? A comic book artist that had to have a sound effect, like a special effect. Wackack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wackackaloo. Maybe that's what she was named after. Maybe she was named after the 50s Batman TV show.

It is. It's... Oh, God. Again. This is a classic case where it's like it's got all this going on and then you've got your fucking what was his name mark walsh's of the world yeah languishing there with nothing you've got a q and a k you got all this crazy stuff going on yeah it's like it just makes us look like idiots we were on we're laboring on mark walsh going give us something to play with and then lavinia wakakalu is sitting there waiting going oh it's coming oh you'll get something it's coming you'll get it up the duff and then we stumble across that and go

oh oh no be careful what you wish for oh no now we're stuck on this one well you know what we've worked out from this is like you know daniel duffy that's the sweet spot yeah you know it's like yeah it's it's okay here's the here's the middle of the venn diagram because this one we've got now this is too extreme mark walsh is too boring yeah but then this daniel duffy it sounds my it sounds stupid and we can pronounce it my My dinner's too hot. Yeah. But this name is just fucked enough. Yes, yes, yes.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Lavinia wakakala is just too hot for this baby bear. Too hot to handle. Yeah. Yeah. Just incredible. Again, I'd like to know more of the history. I'd like to know more of the history of both the Mama Lananli and the Wakakalu family.

Wakakalu. I'd like to know... Also, I'd like to know your ancestors, generations ago, how they managed to Wakakalu for a living. Yeah, exactly. And how do you go pro when your mum are Lennellys? I imagine they were probably spending a long time trying to remember the fucking spelling of their own name. They probably didn't leave them much time for any kind of work. And correcting people's pronunciation of their name.

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God. Hmm. And then imagine having Wakakalu And then going

You know what Let's name the kid Lavinia And let's fuck with That spelling as well Yeah We don't want to Have it too easy

Yeah What were the parents Names I wonder Yeah And again Feel free to Provide us with That information

Yeah There's a couple Of intriguing names And Wakakalu Again Is this another Scottish name Is this another Scottish name? Is this another

English name? Yep. I'm going to say... What county are you from? Yeah. Is this sort of the Midlands, or is this down south

in Portsmouth or Southampton? I'm sure we'll find out. I'm sure she'll hop on the socials and let us know. Is this a Cockney name? Mm.

Yep. Well, thanks, Lavinia. Thanks, Lavinia. Jesus Christ Christ It is It's too fucking late Yep Let's just do Like five more or something

Let's just hope Let's I've got to go home I'm at your house Yeah It's getting close to midnight I've got to go home We've expended our energy

On these complicated names And you know Just spinning our wheels in the mud, not getting anywhere with most of them. Let's just hope that we don't get one of these names that's too hot, that's too cold. Hopefully it's just right in the middle like Daniel Duffy. Hopefully we go out with a bang. Bookend this episode of Talking Dumb Dumb.

We've done five with this last one. If we do this last one, it's five. So bookend this episode of Talking Dumb Dumb. We've done five with this last one. If we do this last one, it's five. So bookend it. First one, last one. Yep. Bang, we're out. Great. Perfect.

Fingers crossed. Let's hope we've got something to play with with this last one. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. Up the bum comedy. That's good stuff.

That's really good stuff. What do you think? That's a goer? Yeah. That is pretty funny. Comedy is the last name. That is... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Having comedy as a last name. Being comedied up the bum. Right. Oh, yeah. If you flip them around. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Comedy. Yeah. As. Yeah. Comedy. Yeah. As in... The art form. Like, literally funny. Yes. It's literally a funny name. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, that's not bad. That's the funniest name I've ever heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is... Because comedy's... Because it's comedy. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Literally a funny name. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's... There's something in that. All right. Well, thanks Up The Bum.

And thanks everyone who supports the show on Patreon. LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where you can find a link to that. Come join us on Zoom this Saturday night, 8.30pm Melbourne time. Tickets at LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get a tee and a hoodie. They look great. Thanks very much for listening. And we'll see you next time.

See you, mate.