The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 507 - Merrick Watts & Nikki Britton

Episode Date: June 16, 2020

We're crossing the borders this week with MERRICK WATTS and NIKKI BRITTON! Merrick wedges in an early plug for his podcasting equipment and then Nikki holds court with some pearler stories. We hear about a recent post-iso catfish date and how she stumbled on a potential new career in Paris. There's heaps going on in her stories and we get the pleasure of sitting back and enjoying someone else's content! Hooray! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Merrick Watts and Nikki Britton. You can head to littledumdumclub.com to find links to our Patreon. You can support the show. You can get, at the moment, two little bonus mini episodes per week. Also, we have some new merch, but that is all that's going on in Dum Dum Land. You go to the website, there's a lot of back episodes that you can go and catch up on as well, but we'll have heaps more information in the back end of this show after you hear from Nicky and Merrick in Talking Dumb Dumb. Enjoy this episode with Nicky Britton and Merrick Watts.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. We've got two very special guests down the line from a little place called New South Wales, Carl. Sydney, Australia, down under.

The borders are back open, so we've travelled up there for this special episode. We're on Zoom, so we can pick out anyone in the entire world. So we've got some people from the capital of Australia. Please welcome Merrick Watson, Nicky Britton. Yes. Hey, guys. How you doing? What's it like up there?

What's it like up there, guys? Do you have the same stuff as we do down here in Sydney, Australia? Just cheap real estate and good times. That's really what it is. Oh, wow. I've heard that, yeah. What are you guys paying rent? Barely anything, really.

Just my firstborn. Yeah, nice. Okay. Yeah. Not even a good one. Only one kidney. It's fine. It's good. not even a good one. Only one kidney. It's fine. It's good.

It's a good time. Affordability. That's what we're here for. Yeah. But you'd be living with, you'd be living with 20 other cool people in that house for that cost. So that's like, yeah, it's a pretty good deal. It's a deal.

Yeah. Yeah. I have to, I have to perform sexual acts, um, morning and night, but you know, it's a very comfortable bed. Wow. Oh, that must mean. You should have buried the lead. Wow. That must mean my wife's the landlord. Oh, good Lord. There's no chance we'll get in trouble for any of this.

People aren't very trigger happy on social media at the moment. This will be all fine. This will be absolutely fine. I do like that. So we're dealing with you two guys and can I make a guess? We're looking over Zoom at you both. Can I make a very educated guess in that you've both got audio setups that you did not have in your house three months ago?

Would that be a fair guess? That's correct. At this end. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Also correct. Mary Watts is king of radios.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Nah, it's just, Watts is king of radios. Oh, okay. Yeah. No, it's – Nicky, this is literally the first – I've got a Rodecaster, Rodecaster Pro, which is an awesome setup. I've got a great mic. It's like a proper studio. I've worked in radio for 20 years.

I've been out of it for two. And I've literally set this thing up three times and it's for other people's work, not for my own. I've got no idea. Yeah, great. Great. I love the plug for Roadcaster that you just wedged in there after telling us off air that you're friends with the CEO of the company.

Very nice work. That's absolutely why I did it too because I actually have to plug it. The Roadcaster Pro is the only equipment that I use, which is why I've waited for so long before I actually got any equipment because I was waiting for the technology to catch up to where I was at. And then road, road cast, the pro came along and I was like,

well, now I'm on board. Well, see, I went too early. I went too early. I went and spent my money on the road, cast the amateur.

So I'm not getting as good a result. You tried to get the Pro. They wouldn't let you buy it. They were like, we've heard your show. This model's a bit more your speed. They said, by the look of you, I just YouTubed you, you can have the Rodecaster Open Mic, actually, just if you want to use that one from now on.

It's got a little colourful button with a picture of Fred Flintstone on it, and when you push that, he's going to call you on his yabba-dabba-doo phone. Yeah, looking at it again, is it supposed to say Fisher-Price or is it supposed to say Fisher-Price or is it supposed to say Roadcaster? I used to have the – I had the Roadcaster Type 5 when I was a younger man. Well, Merica, the Roadcaster Pro does sound easy to use. You messaged me about an hour and a half ago and you said, can you please give me a call, which always makes you feel good

right before you're doing the pod, especially the afternoon before it's got to go online so i call you and i'm thinking jesus christ what the fuck's this good thinking it was like you pulling out or something and you go now mate i'm just looking at the roadcaster pride i'm trying to work out how to get the sim card into it i'm just thinking fuck me this guy has no idea what he's doing so if if well actually for people that are listening right at the moment, if you're feeling a bit weird that you're listening to me, Tommy, and Nicky all talk to absolutely no one, it's because Merrick's part of the podcast has not recorded.

Yes. That explains why we're talking to no one. Seriously? I'm checking because – No, no. We're all good. Yeah, great. I did, you know what,

because I thought, you know, you guys have got these new setups and they look very impressive from this end. I desperately, as everyone went into isolation and lockdown a couple of months ago, that was me at the last possible second treating the Roadcaster Pro

as if it was fucking rations and treating it as if it was the last chance to get milk and potatoes and me racing down to the local DJ warehouse and lining up. And it's just, and honestly, the home of podcasting.

Yeah. Honestly, it was like, there was, there was just two types of people in there. There was people lining up to buy podcasting equipment. Like it was the last day on earth. Like it was the last,

like it was some sort of millennial bug, um, fucking cure. And then it was just homeless people. like it was some sort of millennial bug um fucking cure and then it was just homeless people millennial millennium bug it was it was us and then i've got the millennial bug i'm calling everything a doggo the millennial bug's gonna hit us and everyone needs to hear my opinion immediately quick give me something to record. I'm cancelling this thousand years.

I'm cancelling it. You know what's evident there too? I laughed when you said doggo because I know that that's a millennial thing, but I actually don't know what it means. So, hi, Dad 47, why don't you put your SIM card into a Rodecaster? Do you mean SD card, Captain Betamax? I do. Can you please program my VHS? Take a punt, Merrick.

What do you think doggo might mean if you had to take a wild stab at it? Isn't that like when people go to a park and they meet up with their dogs and then they have sex with each other? Isn't that it? We have a doggo. That's dogging. That's dogging. That's dogging.

Oh. Yeah. But is that – yeah nicky is that the person is that like dogging is the act are you talking about my landlord yeah a dog it's just a dog isn't it that's what it's just a dog yeah it's just a dog yeah oh man i thinking it. It's a dog? Yeah, it's just a dog. Oh, man, I would never have got there on that. I would never. It's pretty tricky. Yeah. A doggo.

There's one minor clue. The doggo and the pupper, as in a puppy, is a pupper. Just real, I mean, I don't know where people are going with that language. You know what I mean? It's like there's some things that we can be super cute about, and it's like we people are going with that language. You know what I mean? It's like there's some things that we can be super cute about and it's like we've poured all of that into dogs because like all of the other words that are going to be cancelled for whatever reason is hot property.

It's hot potatoes, you know? Yeah. But what about... Oh, you think they're going to come for doggo? You're not allowed to say the D word anymore. What I'm saying is it's a safe zone. So we're really putting everything we've got into doggo and papa, despite the fact that the words dog and puppy still work.

I mean, they're fine, aren't they? Exactly. Now, there's nothing cuter than the word puppy. Why do you need – you're making it slightly less cute by saying papa. There's nothing cuter than the word puppy. I would have thought that you were talking about somebody's elderly grandfather. That's like, do you know what I mean? Papa.

I'm so confused. What do they call their turtles? If they own a turtle, is it turt-turt? Is it turt? Have you seen a turt? What's going on? Toity. I don't understand.

I'm not going to pretend I do. Toity. Where's my toity? Yeah, toity. But then you have to say, man, where is my toity? Yeah, toity. But then you have to say like, oh man, where's my toit? Well, I'll go, what about this? I'll go even further with that.

Okay, so you're stressing about those sort of words, you're 47. Also, by the way, I don't know if there's a more well put together 47-year-old that I know than Merrick Watts. It does not show 40. Oh, you know, I reckon you're barely touching 40. He's got the greatest skin in the business.

I've said it before. I'll die on my sword for saying greatest skin in the business. I don't know what he's doing. You're skinning babies and putting them on your face. My choice to stand. Yeah, what's your secret? It was my choice to stand here, Newt. And so I suppose I invited the welcoming.

Thank you very much. I'm actually 46. I'm not quite 47. I turned 47 in November. Oh, you're even ageing yourself? Yeah. Wow, what a bowl. Wow.

I'm such an old man. I'll tell you what, that head of hair, I'd let someone doggo me for that head of hair. Jesus Christ. Oh, my dog owe me for that head of hair. Jesus Christ. But, like, I want to guess what your secret is. You're a little elixir of life or of youth.

But all I see on social media of you, Merrick, is you absolutely punishing yourself running and then going, oh, that was a great run. Look at my time. Anyway, I'm off to drink a crate of wine. Yeah. Like, it doesn't quite sort of match up but it does it's it's life balance like i do i do like a drink and you know obviously i work with the wine industry and um you know kind of more and more involved in that that as the days go on but i um i think that i do think it's really important to have a bit of balance because otherwise you just go completely off kilter so i do this thing

of like you know you kind of you burn toter. So I do this thing of like, you know, you kind of, you burn to earn, burn your calories and then you earn your drinks. And there's a thing called Run Beer Snap, which is just like a group of guys who go running mainly around the national parks down south in Sydney. And every now and again, I'll go for a run with those boys. And it's mixed from, you know, young dudes in their 20s to guys my age and older.

But you run for like, you know, 9 or 10 Ks through the bush. It's pretty from young dudes in their 20s to guys my age and older. But you run for like 9 or 10 k's through the bush. It's pretty hard going. But halfway through, Nicky's like, what? I've already done that this morning. And everybody comes back alive. Yes, they do because it's not Adelaide, right? So you go for a run. You don't kill anyone in the national park.

And then you crack open a beer and you have a beer halfway along the trail and then you run back. You just have one beer. It just seems to make – it's about harmony and balance, guys. That's what it is. Right, because just from what I see of you doing, it looks like because you're running these insane times and you've got this very tight rig on you

and it's like, fuck, you're fit. You're very fit. And you're doing these great times and then it looks like you're just absolutely punishing yourself for like 20K. And you're saying, yeah, you've got to have a bit of balance. But it just looks like it's just extremism because you're running 20K in 10 minutes

and then you're drinking a slab of Cab Sav. And there's no in between. That's exactly what I am doing. It's what I am doing. Look, I think it's perfect harmony, but what it is, is it's a ludicrous obsession. You know, it's like Husey, but with alcohol. You know, like I get obsessive about something.

Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. So, Husey, like I'll go and do like a 9k run at a fast pace She's just the same age as me We'll do the same thing We'll both go for a run I'll go for a run

At the end of it I'll come back And I'll drink a case of piss He usually will come back And buy somebody's apartment block Jeez that was a great time I'm going to reward myself With a new investment property. I love him.

Let's just buy a slab of houses. I love him. I love the man. Who would win out of a race between you two? That's a good question. Out of a foot race between me and Hughsey? Oh, look, I've not given it any thought because I don't need to. It'd be me.

Great, great. I want to compare some times. I'm going to ask Yuzi about this. Talking about, though, running 9Ks through the bush with a beer in the middle, I feel like that can only improve your performance. I've done 9Ks in heels. Like after a bottle of Passion Pop.

Oof. The more Passion Pop you drink, the faster you get, man. I'll set world records. 100%. That's only adding. The other thing too is it's Dutch courage. But you know when you see war films, Nicky, right? They'll be like in the trenches and they've got to run like 450 metres

through absolute certain death. And then on the other side, then they're going to have to actually start the fighting and they're running in shit shoes. None of them are wearing Brooks, which are my choice of runners. And if they're listening right now. Hang on, do you know the CEO of Brooks? The CEO of Brooks is on the line.

Merrick says that if he was fighting in Buller Court in 1914, he would have won. Book's pro. You need them. For everyone at home, Merrick is being dressed by Tony Barlow today on the podcast, by the way. But that's the whole thing. If you have a nip of courage.

There is something strange about the fact that when you go for a run and then you kind of knock off a beer pretty quickly, you don't run any slower and you don't feel worse for it you actually get a little bit of a bit of pep it's great you finish off well that's very interesting because i've heard people like friends of the show like people like nick cody go to the gym drunk and like swear by it um no they swear when they're there they don't swear by it they swear when they swear when they're there. They don't swear by it. They swear when they're there. They swear when they don't get let in. Have you ever run or trained like that drunk? Have you ever like had six or seven and gone running?

Nah, nah, that's not wise. That's not good for you. I just don't feel like it. Once I settle in to having a few drinks, I really settle in and I look for things like, you know, burger rings and Tim Tams and ice cream. This is another thing too. This is one of the reasons why I drink. I don't know about you guys, but Nikki, I don't know if it's a bloat thing or if it's a –

I think women have got more restraints, what I'm trying to say, because my wife certainly does. But when I drink, I'll just eat anything that's in front of me. I'm like a fucking Labrador. Like, I just go, what's that? Chips. Yes. Chips.

Now some chocolate. Yes, let's follow that up with some chocolate. What? Let's go back to pretzels off the back of chocolate. Let's do that. Let's have some ice cream. That makes sense. What?

Of course you have cheese after ice cream. What are you, an idiot? See, I'm not buying this. This is like when you see interviews with l mcpherson going oh yeah i'm a chocoholic i just eat whatever i want i've seen your rig merrick you're not eating burgeries you're not doing any of this stuff on the weekends i really let myself go trust me i'm terrible i'm really bad so that's why i have to do it burn to earn burn to earn i feel like i feel like women are having the same urges to eat that stuff it just

depends who's looking you know we just keep it on the slide but what about what about this is what this is this is what i want to ask nikki um now i i don't know nikki super well but every time i ever you are ever discussed in front of me it's always like you've got to talk to nikki about her dating stories yeah yeah so that's uh and especially especially given that we're all in, you know, we've been in lockdown, we've been in slightly uncertain times and different situations to what we've been in. You know, we haven't, you haven't been able to probably date the same way, but how's it all treating you?

At the moment? Do you mean how's COVID treating me in the dating vibes? Yes. Or dating in general? Yeah. Look, she's really slowed down. Whatever's got the funniest story. Yeah, because just let me quickly say I hit Nikki up.

We're giving you everything, Britton. I hit Nikki up the other day. I hit you up the other day, Nikki, to chat to you about doing this and I said, oh, yeah, if you've got anything to bring up, just kind of let me know. And you sent me back this fucking just laundry list of insane stories where i just went why the fuck has it taken us so long to have you on it was like my phone almost fucking crashed the text message was so long it's been it's been a yeah it's been an interesting life um i feel like i feel like I don't.

I feel like there's situations where normal people would be like, ooh, that's not, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't do that. I shouldn't meet that person. And I'm missing something in my brain that goes, you know what? I should do this. That's what my brain says is let's go in every time. So, yeah.

Burn to earn. Burn to earn. burn to earn man i've i've burned i've burned some stuff if things are burning you've you've you've hooked up with the wrong guy yeah there's ointment for it every time but um the okay so recently i was on a dating app and chatting to a few people um there was one guy we were talking about having watched a lot of movies recently and lockdown and and he was like oh yeah i watched the joker and i said oh yeah what did you think i really enjoyed it it was such a i loved it uh i thought joaquin was excellent and he said actually i just found it a little bit predictable actually and i was like oh okay cool yeah i guess it is a bit predictable doing that dumb thing that girl well i do i'm not talking

on behalf of all women but i always am like oh, yeah, you have a valid point of view. And then I walked away going, what has this pandemic done to me? Of course Joker is pretty, it's called fucking Joker. It's not turning into Batman at the end of the movie. It's fucking good. It's an origin story. It could not be more predictable. It's not set up of the fucking thing.

That's awesome. A guy in the cinema as he's putting the makeup on, just turning to the person next to him, picked it, saw this coming. I knew he was going to turn into Joker. Did you, mate? Did you? Fucking hell. That rocks.

Anyway, we're still talking. I hope to root him in the next few weeks. Yeah, great, great're still talking I hope to root him in the next few weeks Yeah, great No, I cannot I can no longer pretend men are smart so I can fuck them I can't do it That was the last straw Fuck Well, yeah

I wish someone had done that for me at some stage I actually went on a date the other day We went on a socially distanced picnic. Oh. And I, yeah, and I'm 37. He said he was 37 and it was a fun little flirty time on the dating app. Oh, I can pick this. I can pick this.

I can pick this. He's going to be the joker. He's going to end up being the joker. I show up, turns out, lived in an abusive house, grew up to be the Joker. Yeah, wearing a bit too much make-up, yeah. He was 50. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Said he was 37. And he was a little bit unhappy because recently he had made $20 million but also lost that $20 million. Is the CEO of the Roadcaster Pro? He went to sports bet in January. I reckon a pandemic's going to break out in a couple of months. I'm betting the farm on it.

Well, he said he'd made it through business. And I said, oh, what do you do? And he said, I'm a barbecue salesman. So I don't know what kind of fucking intense barbecue shit that he's involved with to get 20 million dollars but um i was a lot of people queuing up for tongs before everyone before she went down i think i reckon i might know who it is i'm serious i'm a hundred percent serious i know heaps of people in the barbecue world and i reckon i might have an idea who it is.

Is his last name Galore? Don't say his name. Steve Galore. Steve Galore. Steve Galore. I also just love saying I made this money through business. All that means is that I didn't steal it Like that's just the most vague description Yeah, yeah, it's a lot

But then when we sat down he was like Okay, so do you want to hear about one of the five times I almost died Or when I got castrated And I was like, oh boy Choose your own adventure died all when I got castrated. And I was like, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Choose your own adventure. Yeah, he said don't. I love that the time he's been castrated wasn't one of the times where he almost died.

I know. There's separate things. Yeah, there's no overlap. Wow. He backed it up by saying, don't worry, they saved one. I'm still good to go. So that was nice. That was nice.

Fuck yeah. Also, another line he said while we were sitting there. Don't gloss over it. This story is going too fast for me. I still have questions about the very beginning of it. Tommy, you've seen the list of stories. Do you want them all now? I've got to get through this. We've got three episodes

in here already. Did you find out any of the times where he nearly We've got three episodes in here already. We can stretch this out to you. Did you find out any of the times where he nearly died? Yeah, yes. To be honest, I can't even remember all of them because my listeners won't be able to see my face, but it was just essentially complete gobsmackery the entire time. I wasn't even laying down memories. I was like, how do I get out of here?

What's the best way I can avoid this? You've done it again, Nikki. You're checking for exits instead of listening. Yeah, right. Yeah. There was, I think like. Oh, go on. How you felt hearing that from him is probably how I felt

when I got that text message from you. It was like, do you want this, this, this, this, this, this or this? Just like, fucking hell. Yeah, this, this, this, this, this or this? I'm just like, fucking hell. Yeah, that is true. Sorry to interrupt. I know it's not my story, but can you please tell me about the castration because I'm not going to be able to move on. I'm just not.

I need to know. If you told me a bloke's lost the nut, I have to know how it was done so I can avoid said injury. Because if you say to me he went down a water slide and he sliced it off with a razor when he was going down a water slide in Adelaide, I'm going to do my mind. Have you been in that situation? Did he lose it as part of losing his $20 million?

Was that part of the loss? Was that part of the deal? It was bad business. It cost him $20 million and a nut. Bad investment. Yeah, real bad. Yeah, bad investment. He invested $20 million and a nut. Bad investment. Yeah, real bad. Yeah, bad investment. He invested $20 million

and a nut into a bad podcasting company. Dreadful stuff. They were like, you know, barbecue gangsters and they made him shallow fry or like, what do you do on a barbecue? Grill? Grill his own testy in front of him? Grill.

Thanks, guys. Yeah, you can grill on one of them. She's not domestic. Not a lot of steaming. How did he lose his nut? How did he say he lost his nut? He was visiting the house of a dignitary. I'm still not sure how that fits into the story. Wow.

Good start of the story. Good start. It was this palatial house that had many like levels and they were on... It was sort of built into a cliff face and he lost his balance is what he said. Is this the plot line of Bruce Lee's Game of Thrones? Hang on.

This is all checking out now. How can one person have so many stories of new death experiences? He's just given me, he's just had a look on Rotten Tomatoes and given me some good conversation points. Yeah. Got a few synopses. He fell off the edge of one of the levels of garden and plummeted face first into a tomato patch and the stake that was holding

up the tomato plant speared, from what I understand, speared the scrotal skin between the testes, tearing, essentially tearing them away. They were holding on by a thread and he said, yeah, and I just, you know, I was supposed to take these dignitaries to this event and I was just gushing with blood. Oh, the dignitaries. Think of the dignitaries.

I was just gushing with blood in their vegetable pouch. Is that what he called his testicles, the dignitaries? Is that what he called his testicles, the dignitaries? Maybe that's it. Maybe I didn't pick up that innuendo. Yeah. I mean, possibly on reflection. He couldn't get the dignities to the event.

Dignitaries. The dignity was fucked, way fucked off. Yeah, no. So they were just, he gave me a point on his leg where the flesh reached to once it was torn away from the body, which was very concerning. Oh, have we lost Merrick Watts? Hey, just quickly, Nikki, we've lost Merrick, and it honestly took me about two minutes to realise that his window was frozen

and that he wasn't just sitting there with a paused look of shock on his face that was a legitimate tech maybe it's too much maybe i mean fair enough this story sent him over the edge um i i didn't really feel like commenting on this story either so i just thought he was like us just like frozen just like oh my god just just that thing where men can't help but feel a pain in their own groin area a story like that is being told i mean don't get me wrong my heart went out to him it was it would have been a horrendous thing to go through but also probably a story that could have been told on the third date. I feel like that's – Oh, absolutely. Yes, yes. Absolutely.

It was a lot to take up front. I'm picturing him on this date with you and you've both ordered. It's an afternoon date and he's just picking the tomato out of his sandwich and going, actually, this reminds me of a funny story I haven't told you. Yeah, wouldn't you be traumatised by the sight of tomato for the rest of your life? It's in everything.

Just like out with friends, ordering a sandwich, like, oh, leave the tomato out, thanks. And your friends are like, how can you possibly hate tomato? It's such an inoffensive fruit. Oh, look, I'd rather not go into it, to be honest. I just can't. The taste, the look, the smell. Oh, no, but I really want to hear this interesting story.

How about I just show you? Zip. Ah, yeah. Bites into a cheese and tomato toasty and burns his face. And he's like, not again, tomatoes! All right, so we've got Merrick back on the line now after a little pause. You dropped out. That story overloaded your computer.

Do you have any questions for Nicky about the story? I have so many questions, right? There are so many questions. Like, for starters, right, he says he's gone to, like, an embassy or somewhere. You said it was a dignitary's house. It's really important. Yeah, okay.

So dignitaries. How many dignitaries have their own tomato patch at the bottom of a balcony? Of a cliff. Yeah. Right? It's such a good question. Can I say any story like that is always like,

isn't that story basically the same as like, oh, sorry, I'm here in the emergency ward because I fell off a ladder and fell ass first onto a bottle. Yeah, totally. Is that what happened? Yeah. Well, that's what I was going to say. Like if you said to me, yeah, the carrot, it goes, oh,

I accidentally landed on a carrot. It really dug into me. You just go, but carrots grow with the green part up, not the. Yeah, down into the ground. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't know. I myself have so many questions. I didn't ask them at the time.

Like I said, I was just panicking and looking for an exit. Too shocked. But, yeah, apparently. But also, like, falling off a palace onto a spike, that's how Disney villains die, like in the old cartoons. It was, I mean, he said, I lost my balance. I mean, that's, well, get that checked out. That's worse than your scrotum, mate.

If you're just, like yeah falling off cliffs but to say this on a first date like early on a first date like i mean look i haven't been on a first date for a long time but from what i recall you're just trying to seem like there's absolutely no flaws in your character you're not just absolutely exposing yourself you're not walking in and going here i am one ball ball Harry on duty. Well, you want to seem interesting. It's like this guy has read the game but just taken the wrong parts of it. Like open with your biggest, most interesting stories.

Well, have I got a yarn for her? I'm damaged goods. Can I just backtrack into an early detail of the date? You said that he said that he was 37 and then when he turns up on the date, he's 50. Now, I want to go into this a bit more, but I do think it's pretty brazen to start a date with the person you're on a date with, understanding that you've lied to them about your age. Yeah.

And then be trotting out these outrageous stories and expect them to believe any of them after you've like – I mean, Merrick lied about his age already in this podcast, but this was to a more extreme level. But what did Steve Galore do? That's the thing. 50 wouldn't have been such a terrible thing had you not lied about – and, you know, three or four years, sure.

13 years, that's a bit of a porky. That's huge. Yeah. So how did you discover that though? Like he walks in and goes, I'm 37. And then you just go, no, 50. You just shazammed his age. Before he admitted that, he said he had three kids

and that he'd done also some missionary work, which was another like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, red flag. Well, not anymore. He can't do any missionary now. Hey. Oh. Yeah. I was going to say back on the doggos.

It's the moment's past. He, like I was just adding up, how could someone have done this much with their life and also almost lost it five times and only the 37? You know, the 20 million. He made it. He lost it. What's going on? And then he had to admit.

Yeah, so did we find out how he lost the 20 million as well? I was like, you know what, at this point, you know, we're baseline again. We were up $20 million, we're down $20 million, we're back at zero, I can't ask any more questions. You know what I mean? Like, fine, it's gone. Did he give it to his brother who happened to own a tiger park

by any chance? Exotic animal track. He wasn't down at sports Betting Like sort of going Here's 20 million I bet I'll have both of my testicles By the age of 21

Ah fuck Imagine the The 20 million people Who were betting against it as well What Like how are you presenting That people are like

This guy's got no chance Well sports is off This is This is the isolation version of like two flies going up a wall that guy two testicles i bet he doesn't have yeah i love these are such incredibly intimate stories to be coming out on a date where you're physically quite distant from each other like you're standing 1.5 meters apart but then hearing very intimate details about his testicles. I've never been more grateful for the social distancing rule,

to be honest. I was thrilled to pieces to have to stay that many minutes and a half away. To be fair, one of his testicles was way more social distancing than the other. The other one just blocked forward into the pate. No. Yeah. The other one's back in forward into the pate. No. Yeah.

The other one's back in Brunei or wherever. He also said the line, Oh, this is the disgusting. Wow, this will be good. This is just the warm up. He said, you know what? If we ever have a threesome, I'll focus most on you. That's what he said.

Oh, yes. What? No way. I love it. What? I love it. I'm sorry, but I have to doff my fedora to this true gentleman. This guy gets it.

A fedora? The grossest of all the hats. No line is ever going to get you fast-tracked to a threesome faster than that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you ever. No good. Mate, you have one nut.

You couldn't focus on more than one person if you wanted to. You haven't even got a twosome in your own pants. more than one person if you wanted to. You haven't even got a twosome in your own pants. What if you're with two girls, Steve, and both of them want a ball? What are you going to do? That's just bad ratio work, mate. That's the area all girls are going for, you know?

They're like, oh, get me right into that scrotal region. That's a deal breaker for you, Nikki. You would have been like, my ideal man has three testicles. You are well below that. I'm not going to have my best gal pal in a threesome with you and then lose my best friend over fighting over who gets the money. That's not something I'm into. Greedy squirrels. Yeah, it was, I mean, look look there were multiple red flags um but that's how dating's going in

COVID it wasn't going much better before COVID so you know so was that your first date out of out of isolation and you just go no I think I might go back into isolation for a couple of years totally and it's a rough I look, it's been rough for everyone and obviously I'm still well and everyone I know is still well and I'm so grateful for that. But it is an interesting time of life as a woman to be going into unpredictable lockdown where you can't be with anyone ever again because, you know, the doors are closing on certain things

as you're getting older. And month by month you're like, I'm just dropping good eggs here, man. This is a waste of my time. Yeah. But also, yeah, that's a good thing. That's a good point because you're there going, like, listening to this guy say all this insane stuff going, well, the woman in me says, let's just go home now.

This is a waste of time but the comedian in you is going i should be here all night listening to all the fucking garbage this guy is spewing out yeah that is that's the problem that's the glitch in my brain where normal people say oh boy you better get out of here my brain goes hang on hang on hang on we've got some material to write haven't we just? Just hang in here, mate. He said, have you seen my kitchen knife? And I was like, let's see where this goes. There could be material here.

Exactly. So, Nikki, I have to ask because in the list of stories that you sent me, one of them was you saying I got catfished recently. Now, I'm assuming that was because, like, knowing you, you know what I mean, and knowing how many stories like was you saying, I got catfished recently. Now, I'm assuming that was because like knowing you, you know what I mean, and knowing how many stories like this you have, there's every chance that you go, oh, no, that's a completely different thing. That was the ball tearing story.

The catfishing story is completely separate. That's Tommy Tomato Steak. Cameron Catfish is a different story. That was the catfishing story, yeah. Right, right. Then a weird story. I like how that's how you a different story. That was the catfishing story. Yeah. Right, right. Then a weird story. I like how that's how you call that story. That's the interesting part of that story, the catfishing bit of the story.

It's like, no, no, no, all the other bits were the bits of that story. It's really just a jumping off point, isn't it? Yes, right. Before you get into the real gear. It's like writing the name of the joke on the set list and not writing the punchline. You don't want to give. Don't give it away.

So if I go, tell us the catfishing story, she hasn't ruined the best bit of it by my introduction to it. You're right. She's a pro. She gets what she's doing. She's set people up at dinner parties before to bring out the golf, throw to her. When the fans at the dinner parties are like, do catfish,

it's good. It doesn't give away the rest of the story to the rest of the dinner party. That's exactly right. Yeah, nice. So did you call him on the age discrepancy? Like, did you bring up like, dude, you're significantly older than 37. Well, yeah, I kind of was doing them. Like I said, I was kind of thinking, how has your life led you to,

you can't be 37. And then he said, oh, is that what my profile says? And I said, yeah. Oh, yes. It is. He said, oh, my sister made it for me. Oh, the boys set it up for me. Oh, they did the wrong age.

I was hacked. I was like. Yeah. Because, you know, when you're setting up private and intimate details, you used to go, oh, you know what I should do? I should get the boys from the footy club to do this. Get the boys. Get the boys on to this.

Get the boys on to this one. Yeah. They've got my best interests at heart. Yeah. I'm trying to find a life partner. I should probably get Wazza to do that because I'll stuff it up. But Chuko, Chuko will get it right. He'll nail it.

Oi, Chuko, just don't mention the one ball and the 20 million loss recently, just stick to the facts, like 37 My Tinder account fell off a cliff and fell under some tomato steaks and things got fucked up from there Nicky's got a good point

if you did have mates and particularly if they were from a footy club and they were setting up a profile of anything to do with you as if that accidentally get the age wrong and forget this nut steak story there's no way known they're not putting straight away in your profile this is steve webber and uh i've just changed his name steve galore and steve lost a nut to a tomato steak. There is no way none of that is not going to happen. Chuka knows where the comedy is.

He'll get it in. But I love, if you're 50 and you're putting your age on that side as 37, you've got to be pretty fucking confident in how good you look. And he did not. I could see. I mean, like, sweet, sweet, sweet gentleman. Like, genuinely, I send him nothing but love and light he's got reasons for why he's lying and and i hope that he finds the self-esteem that he needs to

back himself you know what i mean like i don't i'm not i'm not like angry at the man or or you know think he's gross or anything like that he's a sweet man have a lovely life that's great just try not to lie as much um but also if you you are going to lie and say you're 37, have the skin of a Merrick Watts. You know what I mean? That's kind of – okay, you're pulling off 37, Mez. Merrick at 50 will be able to do 37. This gentleman, had he said actually I'm 57,

I would have been like, checks out. Yep, that makes a lot of sense. Yes. Right, right. Age yourself up and then disappoint them from the start and then surprise them when they find out you're actually younger. Steve, he doesn't understand this. And also, starting too strong with the testicle material as well.

That's something you discover down the track a little bit as well. He's got it all wrong. What he's done is he's just got his pieces out of whack. He's a guy who can't do the Rubik's Cube. There's no way. That's it. He killed him with the Rubik's Cube. Yeah, somewhere he's like lost 13 years.

And you're like, no, that was your testy. You lost the testy. You lost the 13 years. Yeah, Nicky, I don't blame you for not wanting to go on a second date. But could you pass this guy's details along so we can get him on the pod? Because I'm busting to hear these five near-death experiences. Those five other stories. Those synopses from the Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.

I'll let you know. I'll pass them along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. So, no, how did you end the date? How was it left? Look. Uh-oh. Oh, guys, I guys i'm so i just i'm not any um so it was a twilight day

it was like four o'clock in the afternoon so the sun had gone down because i was there for well over an hour um the sun's going down at around five o'clock as we are here in winter in sydney and um i was at this point couldn't really look him in the face. So I was like, well, look at the stars. The stars are nice. Aren't the stars beautiful? And he took that as an invitation to lie down on the picnic rug and just sort of cradle me like a little baby. You know, of course, it's very cold.

I better keep you warm. Isn't this a nice thing to look at? And I was literally just frozen. I was just frozen with like firstly, I mean, we're in a pandemic, mate. Remember boundaries. But also I just clocked out of the conversation and the date and I was just figuring out how to best retell this story on a popular podcast.

I thought this was going to become the sixth time that he nearly died. But, like, when you're leaving a date, Nicky, with a guy who's shared so many intimate details, do you elbow bump? You know, how do you say goodbye? What's the kind of the party, you know intimate details do you do your elbow bump you know how do you say goodbye what's the kind of the party you know because you can't kiss it's covered and that's a great excuse not to touch that man yeah do you kick feet together what do you do there we did not kiss um we sort of had a hug you just you don't kind of, we had a like. Because the tomato stack would have been in the way. We had an awkward hug.

Yep, we had an awkward, yeah, it was just an awkward hug. Luckily there were no other women there that he might call over for the threesome or anything. It's the old 5 p.m. threesome. Yeah. Oh, wow. That would be amazing. The old 5 p.m. threesome.

Yeah, so that's, yeah, we wrapped it up. It was wrapped up. It was very clear at the end to say thank you and goodnight and farewell. Best of luck with the life and the barbecues. Great. I feel like, Nikki, I feel like I'm at a concert like watching my favourite band and they've gotten to like the encore and they're taking requests and, you know, I just love their entire catalogue.

So I'm having trouble like choosing, you know, which one to throw to or to request next from your huge text message that you sent me from the Canon, yeah. But what about the one that you mentioned about you being in Paris? When I was in Parisis oh oh hang on this i actually thought of three different stories when i was in paris that's over here just it must be nice it's just like the inception of dating stories yeah wow all right carmen san diego you've got a few tiles under your belt this sounds sounds like it would seem greedy or, like, obnoxious to say,

oh, my God, I've actually got so many stories, but they all end with my absolute indignity or heartbreak. So it's not really a thing that you want to talk about. But I, well, I was studying in Paris. I was living and studying in Paris for a full summer in 2010, I think. Hang on, what do you call this on the set list? Have you got a name for this one on the set list? This one I think does give it away, which is why I'm trying to,

I'm trying to dance. Thank you. This is like Paris 2. Shall we call it Paris 2? Yeah, this is Daytime Paris. because it did take place in the daytime. I was on my way back from the school where I was studying and I caught the train home every afternoon and I was staying in an area of Paris called Belleville

and I was very close to Rue de Belleville, which is the road that goes through it, and it's sort of got two very distinct neighbourhoods on either side of that street. And so there's often people sort of lining the street, not in a conflict way, but, you know, when you walk through European cities and towns, the sort of older men seem to sit on the park benches

and they have those sort of, they're out there having conversations and it's very communal and it's all very lovely. Well, I was a very happy, had a sunny disposition, Australian in beach dresses, walking down Rue de Belleville after school every afternoon in a Parisian summer, living my best life. Also having deeply convinced myself that I was partially fluent

in the language, which I was not. And so I'd walk down every afternoon, walk down the street, and these older gentlemen on the benches would all wave to me on both sides. And look, I was like, hey, I'm a local, man. I'm killing it. This is, the locals love me. And then some of the gentlemen started waving and they'd come up to me

and smiling with beautiful faces, very friendly, and they'd say, yeah, put on, put on. And I was like, yeah, put on, sure. Like just living my best life. Poutin, sure, just living my best life. I thought Poutin was like, hey, look at you, having a great time. Was that based on anything or was that just a huge stab in the dark? It was a huge stab.

Just the way that they approached with such friendliness that I just thought, oh, well, this is just a nice thing. Now, if anyone speaks French or any language that may be similar, you probably know that Poutin means sex worker or prostitute. And so I was, they were asking if I was Poutin and I was saying, yeah, sure. Sure. What up? Bon. If I was, putang, and I was saying, yeah, sure. Yeah, sure. What up? Ball. And so then they started approaching me.

This went on for a few weeks and then they started approaching me with notebooks and pens and saying times and dates to me. And I was like, oh, what? and dates to me. And I was like, oh, what? And I thought like there'd been like a carnival thing in the area recently and I thought that they were sort of saying, you know, welcome to the community. I'm such an idiot.

Welcome to the community. Welcome to the community. This date in time is when the next festival is happening because they'd said a few words. They're plugging the carnival. Yeah, I thought they were like carnival, festival. And I was like, yeah, it's such a good time. Anyway, it turns out I was accidentally running a sex business

and I was taking bookings, unaware that I was taking bookings unaware that I was taking bookings. And I had to – my housemate that I was living with, after a few weeks I was like, this is so weird. And I said to him, what is Poo-ta? This is so weird. I've fucked like five of these old guys and they keep giving me money. What's going on here? Yeah, I was like, what is puta?

And he was like, oh, Nicky, why? What's happened? I was like, well, these guys keep coming up to me with notebooks and writing down times and dates and calling me puta. And he was just like, I could never walk down the street again. He walked me down one time because I had to go there. And then it's not as funny, is it? I mean, let's get back to the ball tearing no no it's no no it's it's kind of it's a bit scary but

also too like you know it's interesting that they've been so gracious for such a long period of time without ever like you know being rude or or you know being threatening like that they've just gone okay okay so she's a prostitute but she she's a little slow. So what we'll do is we'll take notes. But that's what I mean. We'll put it in writing. And we'll try to coach her through this process. Guys, what do you think? Andre, what's your call on this?

Yeah, be patient. Good call. Pierre, your call? Patience. Yeah, absolutely. A really enthusiastic prostitute who's terrible with the books. Like, let's create a little booking system. Right, right, right, right.

Your talents don't lay in admin. Your talents lay elsewhere within the business. You're going to have to remind me every day because it's just going to fall out of my klutzy little head otherwise. They mansplained booking sex to me. Rude. I also, if this story took place in like 1997, it would like, but in 2010, I like how long it is.

It's like you could pretty easily just get on Google and look up what this word means. This word that manages shouting at you every day and you never once have the basic curiosity to just look up and find out what it is. Honestly, the delusion that you are fitting in is very powerful. There was like a deep belonging to a community. And like I was just – I was living the European summer,

you know what I mean? Like a real little privileged jerk just having the best time. Why question these nice, happy men are coming up to you? Why question their motives? They seem to be happy to see you. Why would you be looking that up you're being accepted to get on babblefish is to admit that you're not a true parisian like you that's exactly right and if you guys have ever been overseas and you know someone approaches you in a in a language that you may know a little bit of love you you're you're

smiling you're nodding your heart, you're being polite, you're letting them talk a little while because maybe you're going to be able to figure out what it is that they're saying but you don't want to be rude because now they've said a few sentences. Now that you mention it, I was in Paris about a year ago and a lot of men were shouting Le Gobby at me as I was walking down the street and it's starting to make a lot more sense now. There's a lot of guys saying to me, you play with my balls. And I'm like, oh, well, we're in France.

It is. I mean, I don't know if it is, but I got the impression that in the culture over there, it's not a big, sex doesn't have the weight and the gravity that we have over here. So it was a really friendly thing like hey do you want to come over for the afternoon have some sex they're french yeah it was very to do that it's it's a casual thing it's just like i don't know what do you want do you want a croissant or do you want a bang yeah whatever it didn't it didn't feel threatening it didn't

feel like perverse or anything it just felt like a very friendly exchange so i didn't question it can i say i've i've i've been similarly rolled but very, very differently, Nicky. I once went on a date with, this is a dating story, and I don't know whether or not it will go anywhere, but I went on a date with a French girl when I was a young man. I was about, I think, 19 or thereabouts anyway, and I was working in pubs and I met this French girl and she was really good looking and she was like, I think, 19 or thereabouts anyway. And I was working in pubs and I met this French girl and she was really good looking and she was like, you know, super funny

and had the accent. I couldn't understand half the stuff she was saying because her accent was so thick and she didn't speak a lot of English. And I was just like, oh. And like in my mind, I'd romanticized this date so hard. Like before we decided we're going to go on a date. This is like a boy's dream this is like the male dream is like an attractive french woman with a thick accent yeah for sure yes yes

and like in my mind i was just going this is this is you miss this you're going to fall in love with this french girl you're probably going to move to france and it's going to be an amazing love story and uh so i said to her what do you want to when you want to go for a date would you like to go to a bar or a pub or have a drink somewhere and she said oh no um i'd like to go to the zoo and i went okay sure um she said oh you know with her accent she said i've got a real fascination with australian animals i went okay all right sure zoo um i mean it's like a school excursion but with a hot French girl, whatever. Okay, it beats the school groups.

Anyway, we go to the zoo and we spend all day there. And I'm literally explaining every animal and all the, you know, mainly Australian fauna. And we're going around and she's laughing and I'm going, and now I'm getting really into it. Now I've just gone, I'm going OTT, tour guide express. I'm explaining all the animals, making up shit about going, as I don't even know, telling her they've got poison glands. I don't know if they do.

I don't know. Got poison tails. I don't know. I'm making this shit up, but she's entertained, and I just kept going and getting into this character. Anyway, this goes on for like three hours. At the end of the zoo date, I said, do you want to go and get a drink now? Because it's kind of night time, and we've had an awesome day.

How awesome has this experience been? She said, you know, French accent. She said, no, I have to go and meet my boyfriend now. Yeah. And I went, but that's me. How? I was standing there at the gates of the Melbourne Zoo, like literally just my brain is not processing,

Merrick, you're not the boyfriend. She has one already. But the other part of my brain is then what have you been doing for close to four hours, mate? And I realised that what she needed was a tour guide to take her around the zoo. And within a matter of hours, I'd fallen in love, moved to France and was eating baguettes every day.

And it just wasn't true. She's like, why are you trying to kiss me in the butterfly house, Eric? Just tell me which ones aren't moths. That monkey's eating its own poo. Why are you trying to cuddle me? It's eating. And I don't know if you've, like legitimately I've been at the zoo when the chimpanzees have eaten their own plop and you just go,

oh, okay, that happens. That's pretty funny actually. But anyway, it's a YouTube clip but I've seen it in real life, whatever. I took a bunch of cousins from the uk to featherdale wildlife park here in sydney and um and i saw a joey in a pouch of one of the kangaroos and i was like look quick come over here and everyone like knelt down and got their cameras out and was taken i was like look this little leg you know how they go in upside down and the leg was sticking out of the pack it was an erection it had a raging erection it was a man yeah i did that when i was i did that when i was a kid i had a couple of different instances of

asking mum what that was at the zoo when i was a kid and then found out the facts of life baby hell yeah yeah can i just just quickly going back to your friend's story nikki can i ask given all those uh guys approaching you did did that make you second guess what you were wearing walking around in paris if they thought that that was your occupation do you know what it really didn't i think that's like i can't even i was so ignorant i was so just um because i only i only asked because because it just rang a bell with me because when I – I used to live right close to Victoria Street in Collingwood, Abbotsford, Richmond, whatever you call it here in Melbourne. And it's pretty renowned as like, you know, a bit of a junkie street

to some degree. And when I lived close to it, I just kept getting approached by people to buy heroin on them. And I was like, I've got to change this wardrobe. I've got to change my wardrobe. I was very often. I was wearing a white hoodie down to Victoria Street too often. It was like, I've got to change this up.

I'm just an absolute magnet for this. Yeah. And speed dealer shades. That's a treat. Two phones. Yeah, no, I didn't. In retrospect, I definitely should have. I think that's a funny thing because there is so much sophistication

with French women and I was like in pluggers and like a V-neck dress, you know, like a halter neck V-neck dress. Because I was like, it's hot. It's real hot. Well, you'd wear less, wouldn't you? It's Australia. I mean, it wasn't Australia. So in their head, yeah, just anyone who looks casual

and not fully French designer fashion, that's the length that they're making. That's who I am in Paris. looks casual and not, you know, not fully French designer fashion. Yeah. That's the length of their making. That's what, yeah, that's who I am in Paris. Yeah. So how old were you, Merrick, when she double dated you? I reckon I was about 19 when I, I also, I've got another zoo story. I was 19 when I took that, but the same zoo, right? So let's just, that was 19 when I took it. Oh man, I also, I've got another zoo story. I was 19 when I took that, but the same, same zoo, right?

So let's just, that was 19 when I took it. Oh man, I did, I did. When I was, so the first. It's not a date when you go with your mum, by the way, Merrick. This is, this is not a date. I think this broad wants to fuck me, take me to the zoo. Well, it was actually funny. No doubt, this would probably spur a whole other conversation

about school excursions, but I went on a school excursion to the Melbourne Zoo when I was about, I think I was about 13 or something like that, 12, 13. And we're going past the meerkat enclosure, and that's like one where you've got the rails, but you can look into a deep pit because they can't scramble up the walls. And they're running around. Anyway, somebody had their pencil case out,

and they were making some notes or drawings or something like that and when the girls bumped her um uh pencil case into the meerkat enclosure which we as we know that's a death sentence right you know that's that's those animals are will fucking kill you right so i and this is just classic me for my entire life i just went well i'm just gonna lob. I'm going to lob the fence into the enclosure. And I'm going to go and get that. I'm not, there's teachers here. We're on a school excursion. Is everyone, hang on a second, just before I do,

is everyone here looking at me? We are? Okay. Okay, because I don't want to jump the fence with somebody missing out on what is probably the most heroic act anyone has ever seen. And let's be clear. Saving a pencil case from meerkats. Let's be clear.

What is on the line here is me saving some coloured pencils. If I don't jump in, who will save these durlands? No one. We'll never get them back. I certainly hope there's not a tomato patch on the other side of this fence. Whack! And then I was there laying bleeding. But I jumped in and, of course, I had no exit strategy

because I realised that not only was it tall enough to enclose the meerkats, it was also tall enough to enclose chubby 13-year-old boys. And so they had to go and get a zookeeper and get me out and it was incredibly humiliating. For a normal person, right, that would be extremely humiliating having the entire zoo looking at you because you've jumped into the enclosure to get a pencil case and you would feel an enormous amount of guilt and embarrassment and shame.

Shame. Not me. Not me. Loving it. More people looking at me. And what's that? Is that a PA announcement I can now hear about my behaviour? It is.

I've made the PA, which is in school terms, that's like making the news. The gala. That's like being on the gala. That's your gala spot. That's fuckwit gala. Yeah. Hang on. Hang on.

That's the zoo PA saying don't go into enclosures. That's because of me. I did that. Any press is good press. Is there now a Merrick rule at the zoo? That's it. Yeah. Is there now a Merrick rule where it's like there's things up on the wall just saying

no matter how good the pencils are, if they end up down in the moat, don't go and get them. Well, they't go and get them. Well, they can't take the risk. What they've actually got is a photo identikit of my face, right? Because foreigners might travel there, tourists will go there, and they don't know that rule, and they don't know who I am. So they've just got a photo of my face with a bar through it and a meerkat enclosure with a bar through it.

And it clearly states, symbolically, do not go in there if your face looks like this. No merit lots in the me cat. It's the same thing with Nikki's story. When you land in Paris now, right after you clear customs, the first thing they do is tell you what the word for sex worker is. They wrap a sophisticated shawl around me and say, come on now. Yeah.

Come over here. wrap a sophisticated shawl around me and say, come on now. Yeah. Come over here. We're going to give you a speed, speed, speed. Uh-oh. Oh, no. They're going to give you some speed.

Just blame the connection. Blame the connection. It was a bad connection. I think Carl's got that. We're going to give you a speed lesson in the really trigger words in French. All right. Next story. Who's next?

There we go. Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Merrick Watts, Nikki Britton, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks. Absolute pleasure, guys. I've got to go off now and take some foreigners on a tour of the fish markets of Sydney because that's what I do. Sounds like an orgy is going to break out.

No, no, no. Then I'll jump in the water because I'm that kind of guy. Great, great. I'm just thrilled to have had actual human beings to talk to. It's been real nice. Thanks, guys. You guys got things to plug, guys? No.

Only that you prepped me earlier and said, do you have something to plug? And now I've been thinking about it quite a bit. My hinge profile is, I'm joking. I'm not going to plug that. But I do have a, what is it, ABC Presents comedy podcast? Oh, yeah. Yeah. So last year's show.

Your stand-up show. Sorry. Your stand-up show. Yeah, last year's full-length stand-up show, when we could all huddle into small rooms together and have a laugh, breathe and everything. That is on, that's going to be on ABC Comedy Presents in July. 14th of July.

Say it with confidence. Oh, great. Okay. So, yeah. And Nikki, as someone who has shared a venue with you and been on after you during comedy festivals, does the show go for 15 minutes or does it go for more like an hour 20? Oh.

Nikki, are you on the Australian sticky footed list along with Limo and Dave Thorne? Are you on the list? No, she's almost Akmal Sali. Don't you ever. It was my very

first comedy festival and I was just so panicked that people were actually paying real money to come and see me do anything. I was like packing so much into this hour and I genuinely didn't realise the concept that if it was, like you could cut bits and not do all of the bits. And every night I'd just do it quicker and quicker and apologise more to Tom. You can edit, Nicky. Like, you know, for example, a man that thinks he has too many testicles.

He can just cut that. He can just edit that and just have one. There was one night where I was waiting out the front of the room with my audience that were going to come into my show and yours was running so long that a guy came up to me and went, mate, I've got a ticket for something after you. I'm going to have to leave now, otherwise I'm going to miss it. I felt so bad.

I felt so bad for them. I reckon at the time I was getting a daily update from Tommy Daslow about this girl called Nikki Britton who I'd never met. And it was just like every day I was like, yeah, she was 20 over tonight. I'm like, okay, well, that's better than 25 like last night. Again, I can't even tell you. It was my very first year. I was very green.

I didn't realise how bad that was. And you're a sweet angel. Hey, I think your show was better than whatever I was doing. So it's really a blessing for my audience, if anything. And then we worked together on a show years down the track. Also, people can see you on the Lockdown Comedy Festival on Stan. Yeah, on Stan. Check it out.

That'd be great. Merrick's left the conversation. Oh, no, he's back. I'm back. No, I'm back. Just in time for the plug. Just didn't want to hear the plug. Okay, just chewed out for five minutes

That's fair enough Just a little message from Telstra We're just doing some work on the internet in your area Oh are you? Thanks Thanks Telstra I just wrote back cool alright guys thanks it's been great

alright yeah thanks guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see you mates and they've done it again they've pulled victory from the jaws of defeat absolutely done it again that's really poetic. Thank you, man.

We walked in. We thought, what are we going to get here? We've got a first-time guest. We've got Merrick. We've got a dodgy internet connection. We don't have heaps up our sleeve this week. I haven't licked any spew on a tram this week. There's no absolute gold in the back pocket this week.

What's going to happen to Nicky Britton? Boy, I'd love to see how long a story about licking spew on a tramp can be stretched out for. Fuck, I'd like to work on that story. That'd be good. But Nicky Britton absolutely became the first guest in God knows how long to bring something decent to this fucking show. Well, you know, and Merrick told a couple stories too.

Nicky holding court, very comfortable holding court. Now, like we've talked last week about how people go, oh, why didn't you let the guests speak? I can't wait for this week to be, guys, where were you in the mix? Tell some of your own fucking stories instead of getting your guests to do all the work. Yeah. Well, I got a little notes section on my phone where I had some stuff

lined up for this week, so I guess that's going to have to wait. Not bothered. Not bothered in that episode. Look, yeah, behind the curtain. And that's what this segment is supposed to be. But just sitting there going, just close the notes app, actually. I did actually see you reach over at one point. Hit that lock button.

Must have felt great. It does. It does. You just put a club back in the bag yeah just like it's like

taking off your star striker with about 25 minutes to go save your legs son save for the midweek match

like I talked about in the episode itself I gotta tell you I'm still I'm looking at this text from Nikki Britton

where she talked me through the hits that she has and I gotta tell you Carl I think we're gonna have a cash cow here for many years to come. Oh, we've got more. Plenty more where that came from, baby.

Don't say that. You'll get other podcasters poaching her. Oh, yeah, good point. Good point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good point. So we didn't even – that's it. I felt like Nikki was coming off the long run going,

okay, well, you can't wait for story number six, and then after number two you've gone, all right, that's all we've got time for. Well, you know, I want this to be a long-term relationship. Sure, sure. Wow. Keep the gunpowder dry. Excellent.

But, yeah, great to finally have her in and great to have Merrick back on. Yeah, a good ep. Oh, let's go to the sports desk. Ah, right. Bernie,ernadette kicked a big one bernie kicked a big one yeah hey it's like miss pac-man is this so is this uh is this bernie having gone through some kind of gender reassignment surgery or is this like no it's just a clunky uh tribute to um to the fairer sex yes exactly to the other half yeah um and you know especially with i bet a bunch of comments coming and going

oh nicky killed at this episode where the where the fuck were you cunts i was like yeah okay fair enough yep happy for her to carry this one that was we're happy to you know rare for us these days to be the snipers just just listening to a crazy story and just getting to fucking go from the fucking you know cliff face predicting uh a few comments from people uh about how great Nikki is and how we've got to get her back as soon as possible and I'm predicting a pretty similar gut and hairline on all those profile pictures of those comments. The hairline comments hurt me. Feels bad to have to take down part of the brotherhood, but it's unfortunate. Feels good not to have the gut anymore though, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does feel pretty good. Yep. Oh, good stuff. It was unfortunate. It feels good not to have the gut anymore, though, doesn't it? Yeah, it does feel pretty good. Yep. Oh, good stuff. It was good. It's rekindled my faith in this show. Instead of us just coming on and going, I don't know, I took a piss on my grandma and then two other guests going, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Dad, have you written anything this week?

What's that? No one wants to hear it? Well, too bad. It's being trotted out anyway. Yeah. So, no, nice little change of pace to just rely on someone else to absolutely bring the fucking firepower. Thank you very much. Hey.

And Merrick being great as well. Yep. Professional broadcaster. Yes. Knows what he's doing. Yeah. Apart from losing connection of the internet. Yeah.

Well, that's not really anything to do with broadcasting. Well, it's to do with being professional. I don't know. I don't know that professionalism can be attributed to a good or poor internet connection. I would say if you're going to judge someone on their professionalism and as a broadcaster if they lose connection twice during one broadcast you're not saying well that's professional but you would but well okay we i did eps with you over the line yep with a shocking internet connection so if that's how you're going to measure it you might be the

most unprofessional person that's very fair God's green earth. That's very fair. That's very fair. I can't fight against that. I think it would be unfair of me to say that, though. Okay. Anyway. Hey, some old business that we have to check in with. Right.

There's currently a little package working its way across. I can't remember what country it's coming from, but there's a little package heading to the address of one Carl Chandler. Oh, fuck. Ordered and paid for by one T. Dasolo. Fuck. I was just thinking about that last night going, I better move on that.

And then I thought, nah, Tommy hasn't moved on that. So we're talking, of course. This was a thing from a few weeks ago. Now, this was a thing that we were going to order a gift for each other online because we're talking about making a lot of ISO purchases. For ourselves. For ourselves, yeah. Now, this is, I guess, the segment where I called Secret Samantha.

Yes. In the end. Well, so, yeah, this is what I was going to say about it. Instead of a Secret Santa, Secret Samantha as in Samantha being part of Sex in the City and them being just, you know just shop-happy gals. Yeah. Although she was not known as much for her shopping as for her recreational activities, I guess.

Yeah. Well, that still works out, because the thing I bought for you is a huge dildo that you can just absolutely plough yourself with. So this is more public Samantha, this segment now. Right, okay. No, so yeah, this was now. Right. Okay. No. So, so we, yeah, this was kind of a thing that was cooked up kind of mid isolation,

mid lockdown. And it already feels like a real relic of the past to the point where I, I had forgotten about it until quite recently. I was like, fuck, I'd better do that. But, but also because, yeah, we're sort of in Melbourne at least, we're sort of easing out of restrictions. So it just kind of hasn't been on my mind because it's such a – to me it was so tethered to lockdown to the point where when I sat down to do it, I couldn't even specifically remember what kind of thing

it was meant to be, what the price limit we set was. But I think I got something good. I think there's something good on its way. I'm going to do it tonight. I'm going to lock it off tonight because that's the thing as well. I write a to-do list for myself every day and every day. When you have a long-term thing on your to-do list, it's just a pain in the ass every day to write down.

I write secret Samantha on my to-do list every day for weeks and every day I just look at it and go, when am I just bumping this off the list? Has your wife looked at that list and thought you're having an affair and just very sloppy about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on, mate. Cheating on me is one thing, but chucking it on the to-do list is just brazen.

And also, it's a bit of an insult to Samantha if you can't even remember to have the affair. Yeah. And you put it on the bottom of your list as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not even putting it above going for a run. But that's classic to-do list is that the simplest thing is the one that you push back. Oh, no, I do the simple things because they're easy to cross off.

They're gimmies. Yeah. I put water in the garden. I put... What garden? Little garden in the courtyard. Oh, okay. Right, right, right.

I think it's worthy of a tick off the to-do list because you can very easily not do it and and what i we proved that by letting that absolutely die over about a year and us getting told off by the body corporate going can you fucking water the garden we're gonna have to put a new garden in because you didn't water it at all and then they've recently flipped around and almost had the opposite attitude towards our garden tending by looking at our garden, looking at everyone else, the way they tend their garden, shit-housely, and they just ripped half our garden out and installed it in someone else's yard.

And we go, what the fuck happened there? And they're like, oh, well, their garden was shit. It's like, yeah, because they didn't look after it. We looked after ours. Can you not take ours out? You're like the people who raise guide dogs up until a certain age where they're allowed to be sent on to someone who actually needs it. Yeah.

Well, to be fair, I mean... It's a compliment. The point is not to keep the guide dogs for the rest of their life in a family that can see. Yeah, but it's a compliment. Yes. Everyone gets to enjoy your good gardening. I know, but then we've got half a garden now,

and so we complained. And then they go, oh, oh, okay. Oh, well, we didn't know. It's like, how did you think as gardeners that we didn't want half a garden? But you can be like a halfway house now. Now they bring in fucked gardens from other parts of the building. You bring them back to full health. And then they get redistributed back and that's that's that's kind of nice here's how the the rest of

the unit block went though right okay so everyone had fucked their garden except for us so this is what they did they ripped half of our garden out stuck it in someone else's garden then we saw other people's garden the gardeners have got a budget for the body corporate, of which we pay into. Then they then parachute in brand new plants. Parachute? Well, you know what I mean. That's a far more interesting story. Operation Dumbo Drop style. Just a little fig kind of gradually falling from the sky.

So then they're putting in brand new plants and trees and gardens and whatever into other people's houses right and so we're seeing all that and going whatever are they why are you just leaving our unit like in disrepair yeah can we why don't you parachute if i can plan into ours and then they go oh okay And so they gave us like, the half a garden now is just like these tiny little baby plants that are like, they've just planted brand new plants for us. Right. So now we've got, half of it is this fucking jungle. Yeah.

And half of it is a couple of fucking two inch, you know, stalks. Well, that's good. It gives the stalks something to aim for. They're looking next door. They're like, hey, that could be us one day fuck it's it it's it's like having a school having the year 12s in with the prep yes yes in the same class it looks ridiculous yes looks fucking ridiculous well yeah so well if you want to if you want to talk building like and body corporate issues so i had a sneaking suspicion that you wouldn't have ordered me my secret Samantha gift yet.

But I did have to check because a sign has gone up in my mail room of my building saying, hey, make sure you collect your packages and mail promptly because there's someone in the area stealing mail. And this was like the building manager has just put this up there. It's just like, yeah, look, there's something going on here. And it's like, that's on you. You sit at a desk at the front of the building. This is your responsibility. So someone is getting in without you knowing.

How is this our problem? Like what if we go away for a couple of days? Someone's just going to come in and pinch all the mail at it. So I did wonder if it was going to reach a point where you went, I posted you something three weeks ago. It could have been pinched for all I know. Well, you So I did wonder if it was going to reach a point where you went, I posted you something three weeks ago. It could have been pinched for all I know. Well, you know, I thought the plan was going to be, I was going to order something to my house

so then I could bring it to you and present it to you on the show. I wouldn't have posted it to you. I would have posted it to myself. That was my plan. No, I put your address in. Okay, all right. Well, of course what you're saying, people pinching it out of the foyer of your apartment block,

you know who the number one suspect is? Nick Giannopoulos. Ah. The most likely suspect. You know what, now that you mention it, I have been getting a lot of moussaka orders. It's never actually turned up. Well, you know he's not doing so well.

He's a wog out of work. Yeah, right, right, right. You know he can't pay for his own stuff. He's not in so well he's a wog out of work yeah right right right knowing he can't pay for his own stuff he's not in work yeah fuck i regret telling you that i got it posted to your house now because it would have been great if because i just put your name on it yeah and your address right the idea that it would have turned up and cause i don't reckon you would have remembered that that was that that was what was happening no i think it would have just turned up and you would have had to because it's something that i think you'll like right so there would have just turned up and you would have had to, because it's something that I think you'll like. Right. So there would have been then a real dilemma with you trying to work out, when the fuck did I order this?

Absolutely. I could have really fucked with you. Absolutely. Damn, I should have left it and then potentially, do you think you would have just brought it up on the show? Hey, I don't remember. This thing turned up and I don't remember ordering it. I think it would have taken me five to ten minutes to figure out.

I think I would have figured it out, but it wouldn't have been an instantaneous figure out. Yeah. Okay. All right. Well, that's something to look out for. Because I think the wait list is pretty empty. I think I've ordered everything I wanted to order.

I don't think I'm waiting on anything now. Right. It's not that period of a few weeks, months ago, where I was like a little dog running out to the mailbox every day. It's now like, hmm, has someone checked the mail in the last three days? I mean, I know I'm not getting any fucking Garfield sleeping bags or anything delivered. I'm the same, yeah.

I think I'm waiting on like one thing, but nothing like, nothing super exciting. No childlike excitement about the mail anymore at the moment. Yeah. But until now. That was the realisation that things were starting to get back to normal and that sooner or later everything's going to be all right yeah i'm not feeling the compulsion i'm not feeling like ordering things online is the only good part of my day anymore yeah yeah well you know what i'll i'll i'll i'll hit go on a purchase i'm i've got i've got a purchase in mind i had it saved on the um i had it up on

the on the laptop for a long time along with um a couple of other purchases was it were they because i truly can't remember how we got onto talking about this in the first place were they meant to be good gifts or not i really couldn't remember as i was ordering it what the i think they were supposed to be good gifts for content at the at the very least... I think they were supposed to be good gifts for content at the very least. Okay. I think they were meant to be... The limit was either $20 or $25. Oh, God, I've blown that out.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, fuck, okay. Well, no, it was like I found something that was that and then the postage was just as much as what I... So I was just like, well, you know, what do you do? Okay, all right. Yeah, I think it was supposed to be, you know, not a terrible gift, but something that'll be

good to bring up on this. Okay. So, you know what I'll do? I'll order and then when I get my little parcel from you in the mail, I won't open it and we'll open it on air. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. I think that's good. I might have to order another thing because I think I fucked the brief. Okay. I might have to order another thing because I think I fucked the brief. I mean, well, since I've ordered first and, you know, you kind of have to, you know, I went over. I mean, mine costs like $800. So if you, you know, if you feel like you have an obligation now to match that amount in what you buy. I'll go up to $30. And if, you know, if you want to wait until the end of the year when the PlayStation 5 comes out,

I've waited a couple of months. I can wait a couple more. The pub's open again. I don't need it immediately. Well, I'll just be like your parent. Oh, yeah. Do you like that? Well, the Commodore 64 is just as good.

It's got plenty of games, and the games are even cheaper now. So I'll just get you one of them. Yeah, and all the modern games, they're just basically ripping off the formats that were established back in 1982 anyway. So it's really the same thing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there's nothing more timeless than California games. Yeah.

Like, they're still California. They're still playing games over there. Well, I don't really think that's true at the moment. Games of a different sort. I don't think that there's a lot of topless skateboarding and beach volleyball going on at the moment. I think they've got bigger fish to fry. It'll be back. It'll be back.

Now, what else we got? Thank you to everyone who has ordered a new hoodie or T-shirt. We've got the Talking Dum Dum design is well and truly out. I've spent a long time, as we talked about last week, writing personalized messages and things like that and uh thank you to everyone uh who has bought one and to the small handful of people who have hit me up and gone um you fucked up my order so uh thank you for letting me know that yep yep um that is going to happen out of of, at the moment, 200 orders, I think I may have fucked two or three of them. So most of the fuck-ups were just like them going,

yeah, you fucked this, but that's cool. I don't really care. Okay, this is a good system. But just to be clear, you did fuck it. Right. Okay, all right. So maybe going forward we can say, please buy a T-shirt,

especially if you're not that fussed about which style and size turns out. Yes. Hey, look, we want everyone to buy the T-shirts and enjoy them. We want people to support the show in that way, but especially if you're someone who's too lazy to bother sending something back if you get the wrong. We want more doormats to be ordering our things, people who are just going to let us take the piss and fuck them over with doing the wrong thing yeah if you like the

element of secret santa where it's like i'll order this but you know it's a bit of a surprise what you actually get yeah but the good thing is we need a drop down option on the website where you check your size i'm feeling lucky yeah yeah surprise me also um, a lot of these have been sent out at night where I've got some really bad light shades over my lights. They make the light really dim, and we've got to get rid of them, and we still haven't got rid of them. In the ceiling lights? Yeah, in the ceiling lights.

And they're sort of hard to uninstall, and by hard I mean would take at least two minutes to do it. So that means I've just never done it. Are you busy gardening? Yes. Are you busy looking at that tab with my gift sitting on it? Exactly. Busy railing Samantha.

Shh. So that hasn't been done. Oh, yes. Oh, Carl, do me. Shh. This is meant to be a secret. Keep it down. So, what's happened with the lack of lighting, or not lack of lighting, but distorted lighting,

is that when you have two sets of coloured hoodies, and one's black and one's like dark navy, it then takes me a long fucking time to know what the difference between the two is every time i put out an order at night with the bad lighting and it's and it's dark navy i'm literally it's taking me it's taken a long time to send these hoodies out but what's been what's made it even longer is me walking around the house finding different forms of light holding up two hoodies to the light going which one of these is navy and which one is black and then going actually i think they're both navy and then moving to another light and then going no they're both black and me just not knowing what the fuck color it is like jesus christ i've got to do this

in the daylight it's a lot yeah i was going to, is there anything else on the to-do list where the light doesn't really play all that much of a factor? Something online, for example, that can happen in any kind of lighting conditions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get on to it. So I think I've done all right. There was one complaint that I sent a black instead of a navy. Well, 10 p.m., time to work on the tan.

I think out of 200 purchases, I think I've done alright there. I think that's pretty good. That's a good strike rate. For someone who's fucking colour blind. Colour blind and light blind. Yes. Yep.

Didn't eat his carrots growing up. No. Cannot see in the dark. Fuck, I love carrots. Absolutely, I ate my carrots growing up, but,

so thank you to everyone that's done that, and, like I've said before, the sizes, we are running out of certain sizes. So if you want to get onto that quick smart, we are selling quite well some sizes. You'd be surprised with this, Tommy, but some of the big boy sizes have already all gone. Right. They get hit up straight away. Interesting.

Anything with an X in it, boom, straight out the gate. Wow. Anything with an X in it, boom, straight out the gate. Wow. Few people being interrupted sending a DM to Nicky Britton by the knock from the postman delivering their new shirt. Yep. There is anything with an S in it, not touched so much in the merch. Salad?

I got to stop. I got to stop. I'm sorry, folks. I'm sorry. So that's the update there thank you thank you everyone everything's in the post

as we speak alright so the other part of the show that is listener oriented of course is people that sign up to patreon.com slash little dum dum club

to fund this show to fund not only the little dum dum club but talking dum dum as well oh we get a cut of the dum dum money yeah yeah yeah oh interesting

yeah we're leeching off the back of them. We're getting a little bit of that siphoned off, of course, because that goes into the coffers to afford the unplanned title alternator. Right, I thought we were just doing this for the love of the game. Right, no, no, no, no. We're pros. This is a professional podcast. This is a professional part of This is a professional enterprise. Part of a podcast.

Yeah. I think. So, look, we, of course, we wouldn't be able to afford the rental on this,

on this thing without that. Yeah, sure, sure. You know how much money this costs. We'd be absolutely broke. So, of course,

you get some bonus episodes, as you said, on the top of the show. Been sending a lot of bonus episodes and some of the bonus episodes have been so good, I've thought, fuck, we should be keeping this for the main thing. It's a real crime to keep this from,

you know, the thousands and thousands and thousands of plebs out there that listen to this show every week. But then, you know, a part of me goes, fuck them. Don't give us any money. So let's save it for people

who have fucking got deep pockets. So I'm torn there, but I've erred on the side of earning money. Yes. It's a smart choice. Thank you. The real test will be if anything juicy for potential canon comes up on the bonuses. I know. That's when, I mean, quality-wise it's like, hey, you know,

the regular show is good every week. You know, it's fine. You know, it's like, hey, you know, the regular show is good every week. You know, it's fine. You know, that's all fine in and of itself. But when something comes up where we're like, good Lord, we could dine out on this on the main episodes for fucking months to come, that's going to be the real test. I know. And I feel like we've been pretty good at not doing that. But I feel like there's an episode coming up where it would have been good

for everyone to know about this thing. But anyway yeah i see what you're saying yeah yeah but oh well hey little trip that we took the other day well not only that there was uh we did some more talking about um fat lizzie oh yes that's true yeah that's coming up yeah yeah is that coming oh yeah that is no that's out already oh is. Oh, is it? Yeah, that went out on Monday. Oh, that went out? Yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah, you're right.

Yeah, yeah, that came out already. Yeah. Yeah, it would have been nice for everyone to know about that, but that's fine. Yeah. Of course, on top of all that, you go into the draw getting your name read out and immortalized within Talking Dumb Dumb. And that is what the unplanned title alternator is for, to keep everything fair and even and above board.

Absolutely no corruption, no branch stacking within this system in any way whatsoever. Really, they should be getting the unplanned title alternator involved in elections. That's what they should be doing. All this talk overseas in America of mailing in votes and it's not being, you know, safe and things like that. Even ship it over to Russia. Get some fair elections going on. Get the unplanned title alternator. It's never made a mistake.

Well, the problem is that we have the only one. And we've, I mean, I don't know if you've seen this, but we have been emailed. We've been contacted by some of those organizations wanting to lend it. But, you know, we do this every week. We can't guarantee that it's going to make it to russia and back in the space of seven days we need it here for this have we been hit up by the bloke that um martin strezlecki or whatever the fuck he is that that owns the the um aids medication that bought the only copy of the russian clan yeah yeah yeah he wants it yeah

he's into it yeah i bet um so all all right, let's kick this thing off. Let's get the UTA working for this week. Here we go. Hit the big red button. First cab off the rank. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ryan Carr. Ryan Carr. Yeah.

Any relation to our friend Nick? I don't believe so. I mean, he certainly didn't mention that well would would you no i wouldn't so yeah probably his brother then yeah definitely his dad yeah spell you know i do like it when people are called car and there's two r's in the name because it's it's never one r one r because it's like it's just people letting everyone else know, I'm not an actual car. I'm not an automobile.

Yeah, do you think at some point the name previously was just spelled C-A-R and somewhere along the line someone's gone, I'm sick of this. You know, I like the name. I'm just going to go into the post office and just chuck one more letter on the end. Yeah, I think so. I think it's just too many broom brooms thrown someone's way and it's like, fuck this. Annoyingly enough, you're still getting that. Yeah. I reckon.

I reckon you, I honestly reckon that second R would keep so much of that away. I really, I really do think like. It's not fail safe though. We're not, we're not that, this, look, this is not totally shocking. We're not that sophisticated with our sense of humour. No. Especially knocking around off off air let alone on air um but oh yeah if you think on air is lowbrow yes jesus get hack get anonymous onto our fucking facebook messages between the two of us and just see see whether you like us now anymore um but i think all of our dealings with Nick Carr, I don't think we've ever brought up like an automobile-based gag.

I mean, there's so much more there to work with. Exactly. That's the problem. We don't need name-based gags with him, do we? No. Just everything else. No. And I guess that's kind of ultimately what it boils down to.

If the most shit you're getting from someone is about your name, then you're doing pretty well yeah that means there's no appearance or weight or like personal problems problems yeah yeah yeah you know you're right yeah it must be nice um but yeah you take that one r off there's a lot of fun to be had really oh yeah i just i just think you're saved a little bit by that it's look it's smart it's like a little you know safety um measure saved a little bit by that R. Look, it's smart. It's like a little safety measure. Yeah, a little buffer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little smoke screen.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At the back of the car, ironically. Oh, yes. I want to put my dick in an exhaust pipe. I don't know about that. You don't know what? About putting your dick in an exhaust pipe. You mean the concept

in general or you're doubting the, you're doubting how true it is me saying that? A bit of both. Okay.

If you, I mean, you know, American Pie style. American car. Just rooting a Buick up the bum Yep

Have you ever put your penis in something else that's not I'm trying to think I'm sure I probably When I was a kid I'm sure I would have done the Between couch cushions at some point Really? Yeah

I don't have any like specific, specific vivid memory of doing it, but I just, I'm sure at some point. That's a weird thing for that to slip your mind, I would have thought. I just. For me. Yeah, I don't remember doing it, but, you know, I just, assuming, you know, when you're younger and you're starting to become aware of things,

I'm sure I would have. But also, yeah, I'm 33. I mean, I should certainly hope that wedging my dick in the couch cushions when I was 12 isn't still taking up pride of place in the old memory bank. But, I mean, to me, that's a weird thing to do. Surely, at some stage, you've gone, oh, that was weird. To me, that's like, what the fuck have you done if that slipped out of the memory? I just forgot I fucked a couch one time. i've just done so much other fuck stuff i think

it's easy to pass away as to toss aside it's like a oh it's you know most kids do some kind of weird thing of most young men do some kind of weird thing of like just rubbing that just grinding dick up against something is this your version of It was a different time back then. Yeah. Fucking a couch was okay back then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure if you find the YouTube clip of me fucking a couch from 1989... Yeah, I'd hate to get cancelled by Fantastic Furniture. Is that why you wanted to fuck the couch so bad? Because it was so fantastic?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Freedom furniture. Well, I got the freedom to put my dick in this. The freedom to not wear a dinger. Thanks, Ryan.

Thanks, Ryan. Beep, beep. Beep, beep, arena. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Liam Powell Liam Powell Yeah Powell Okay

Okay What do you think about that? I'm dissecting it It makes me think of The There's a pub Not far from my house Called the Baden Powell

Yes That I've only been into once And it was the worst smelling venue I've ever been in It That's the one at Victoria Parade Yeah It stank in there that I've only been into once, and it was the worst smelling venue I've ever been in. That's the one on Victoria Parade? Yeah. It stank in there.

I went in to get a drink. I was walking somewhere with my girlfriend at the time. We were meeting people for dinner and we were a bit early, we were like, let's stop in here for a drink. And it was like, I don't know, something had happened. I think maybe all the carpet had gotten wet. It was like that kind of smell, just that weird, musty, damp smell. Yeah.

And I know this is unfair because I'm sure it was just like a one-off, isolated thing that's happened in there. But now, like, every time I drive past it, I'm like... Like, there was a gig there for a little bit that I was like, I should walk down and try and get onto that open mic and run some stuff. Yeah. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it because I was like, that's the smelly pub. I can never go in there again. Well, it's of a different time. You wouldn't, these days, like, that's the smelly pub. I can never go in there again. Well, it's of a different time. You wouldn't these days, like that's obviously a very old pub,

but these days you wouldn't start up a new venue, start up a new bar, a new pub, and name it after someone who is famous for creating some sort of society, some sort of club for adults to hang out with very small children. Is that who that guy is? Well, it's Baden Powell. It's the leader of the Scouts.

Ah, right. Okay. Interesting. Yeah. So that's who that pub is named after, the head of the Scouts. Right. Sort of a weird thing to associate that like, okay, let's go get pissed down at this place that was named after the leader of the Scouts. It's also funny, too, like, starting a venue, you can call it anything.

Yeah. I mean, if you were going to call, like, that's what things were, that's what they did back then. They named pubs after, you know, royalty or figures of note like that. If you're starting up a pub now, who are you naming it after? figures of note like that if you're starting up a pub now who are you naming it after who's the contemporary people that you think you know are worthy and acceptable to to name a drinking hole after hmm yeah i mean if you if copyright was was nothing if you if you could get away with just naming it and just calling it the Kanye West, what are you doing? Can you just do that, though?

I really don't think you can because I really think someone would have done it by now. I really think so. I guess it depends who it is and then how popular the place gets to then land on the desk of the person who's going to pursue that. Yeah. What would you, what would you, can you cough up a suggestion? Like. Of what I would name a venue. Yeah.

What you or what you think. Yep. Epstein's. Epstein's. Where everyone knows your name if you're under 12. Yes. Yeah. Right.

A pub where they don't check ID. Well, yeah. I mean, it's very appropriate at the moment. If you go out in a venue, you have to put your name on a list when you go in there. It's the equivalent of the flight logs. We could kind of theme it like that as you walk in. Yeah. It's like, what are we having? A lemonade or a Fanta tonight?

Yeah. Just got that on tap. That would actually be sort of cool if you had like an underage pub but tread carefully no but I'm saying you know

and you have like the taps and it's all soft drink and it's everything's treated like a normal pub and you've got music in there and everything

but it's just you mean like a children's party venue that looks like a bar that's themed like a bar. It's for people. It's for kids. It's for 14 to 17

and three quarters years old. Yeah. So you can still, you've got that thing where you want to be an adult. You're not quite old enough to go to a pub, but you've got that thing

where you can't wait to be an adult. So you just, you know, you just make a pub, but you're getting fucking Portello instead of... Well, the thing about, I think we talked, I can't remember which episode it was on, but you're getting fucking Portello instead of... Well, the thing about...

I think we talked... I can't remember which episode it was on, but we did talk not that long ago about underage clubs back in the day. Like Blue Light Disco. Oh, that was on a bonus episode. Yeah. Like that kind of idea. And there were, like, near where I grew up, there were underage nights at the local...

At a nightclub that was nearby. Right. Like, they would just have, like, a Tuesday night was, like, was like you had to be you know younger than 18 to get in right and so obviously no alcohol and stuff but it was always kind of it's the same with your idea where it's kind of it kind of works on the idea that what you're into the thing that people are into about being in a pub is purely is the aesthetics and has nothing to do with the actual being able to get a beer yeah you're right there's very few pubs i've been in where i'm like god it's actually good in here yeah and it does rely on the the business model relies on people on 16 year olds coming in and going yep i'll pay 12 for a pint of coke yeah i'll have about seven of them while i'm here yeah yeah i'll um i'll happily

spend a quarter of my weekly income from my after work job of my after school job on this drink yeah yeah i'm i'm happy to spend 160 on lemonade yeah yeah who wants one i'm shouting my shout yeah let's do shots what are the shots in this scenario? Shots would be... Just jello shots, but they're just literally jelly. Just airplane jelly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so. Well, you don't want heaps of jelly if you're at the pub.

No. It actually makes sense. Yeah. Who wants to eat a full plate of jelly when you're at the pub? I might get back into eating jelly. I was never into it. I don jelly. I was never into it. I don't think I was ever into it. I think I liked red jelly for one stage, but...

That's the classic jelly flavour. Yeah. Red, you can't go wrong, can you? No. Any of that stuff. I feel like I was drinking a lot of cordial for a while, a couple of years ago. A lot of cordial. And I weaned myself off. I was like, you know what? I'm just going to have water in the house from now on. lot of cordial for a while, a couple of years ago, a lot of cordial. And I weaned myself off.

I was like, you know what? I'm just going to have water in the house from now on. No more cordial. I thought cordial was sort of the healthy version of soft drink in the house. I was like, man, I'm drinking a lot of sugar here. But this is how I thought I'd matured with my taste. I was no longer drinking red cordial anymore. I was going with the lemon.

Oh, yeah. Okay. The barley lemon. I'm like, the lemon. Oh, yeah. Okay. The barley lemon. I'm like, you know, it's a bit of sophisticated flavour as compared to the raspberry. Comparatively, yes, that is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The after dinner. Yeah. After dinner cordial. The gentleman's choice. Yeah. Well, thanks, Liam. Thanks. God.

Let us know if you're ever happy with these dedications or whatever these are. Yeah. I feel like those two to me, to me, that's good. I think that's good. Yeah, I think that's about as good as it gets. I think you're right. Imagine going back and listening to the first ones of these that we ever did. Yeah.

Some of those people are annoyed. Pissed off. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Maria. This is, I should have. Here we go.

I should have just given myself another second to go over this name in my head. Okay. Maria Karotkik. Karotkik.

Karotkik. Maria, thank you to Patreon subscriber Maria Karotkik. Okay. K-O-R-O-T-K-I-K-H Woof Karotkick

Jesus That's fine A lot of K's in there There's Three Uh oh Spread out As if we didn't notice

Just chucking Chucking some Some vowels And some consonants in there I see what's going on here. I think the O-R-O-T-I and H are silent in this name. That's what I think. You're not supposed to pronounce them.

Yep. Oh, Maria. Talking about, I hope people are happy with these. Oh, Maria. What do you think of the name Maria? That's what I was just tossing around in my head. It's old school, I would have thought. There's an Italian restaurant in North Melbourne called Maria's Trattoria.

Shout out to them. I used to go there. Now, that's old school, just using the word Trattoria. Trattoria is great. I've been meaning to go back there for, I haven't been there for years and years and years we used to go there a lot when i was a little kid because my dad worked across the street so me and mom would regularly go and meet dad for dinner there and there's been like the same basically the same people working there for this entire time like since i was four or whatever and um i remember

one time we were there and martin sacks pj from blue healers was dining at the table next to us yeah very very exciting stuff wow but i've been meaning to go back because it's in my head it's the it's what i think of as like the classic dine out italian meal it was like the first attack like used to go there all the time as a kid it was like our big go-to restaurant that we would go to. And I really want to go back, but I'm kind of scared because I'm worried that, A, the food won't live up to my memory of it, and B, some of those stuff that were there when I was a little kid,

I'm worried that they haven't, mate, like that they're just gone. It's been, you know, 30 years at this point. Some of them must have dropped off the perch at this point. Would you be sadder to see them gone or sadder to see them still there? Still waiting on you 30 years later? No, no, no. It would warm my heart to see that they're still there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. Because the one waitress in particular, the lady who was kind of like the head waitress, I guess, would always like, as I would go there when I was getting a bit older, when I was like 18 or whatever, she's just rapt because she's known me since I'm a little baby. So she's like making a big fuss over me, very excited to see me. So seeing her would really warm the cockles. But her just being replaced by some fucking just 15-year-old

with a pole up their ass, nah. Trattoria is Italian for tavern. Oh, that's weird. A trattoria is an Italian style eating establishment that is generally much less formal than a restaurant. Okay. But more formal than an osteria. Okay.

Of which I don't really know what they mean. Restaurant's obviously a restaurant. But what's an Osteria? Osteria, probably fine dining, I guess. Oh, wait, did it say it's more? Oh, okay, more. Oh, wow. Okay, purely takeaway?

Yeah, just fucking McDonald's in Italy, is it? We should go to Maria's sometime. I think you'd like it. Okay. It's like no vibe in there. It's just really no frills. Classic. Huge portions. A lot of food wastage going down there. It's just really no frills. Classic. Huge portions.

A lot of food wastage going down there. Love any of that stuff. Yeah. I've just looked up what, in Italian, what osteria means. In English, it means tavern. Okay. The same thing. So there's, okay.

This is like how the Eskimos have like a hundred different words for snow. The Italians. Have one word for everything. No, because, no, wait. Trattoria because no way because trattoria meant tavern trattoria meant tavern yeah yeah well that's what i'm saying italians oh yeah yeah so they've got multiple yeah so so their tavern is their snow yes yes you're right okay um yeah look fan of anything that's somehow been untouched by time it really has yeah we were for a bonus patreon episode over the weekend we were we were gonna go and um do something go and find somewhere to go um and travel somewhere and i spent an hour looking trying to find a pub

uh any sort of tavern as as they say in Italy, that has been untouched by time. I was looking around everywhere trying to find some, not shithole, but just somewhere that you go there and it's been the same thing for 30 years. It's pretty hard these days. Without going pretty far out. Well, even doing that, I don't mind. Like, but, you know, when they put, what do they call it?

They protect old buildings. Heritage listing. Heritage listing, yes. They should heritage list some pubs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And not because they're like, the building itself is 150 years old and, you know, you want to, even if it was built in the 50s, but it's been saved the same way.

Yeah. And there's no. Nothing to do with the architecture. It's purely the vibe. Yeah. I don't want any $39 steaks on there. Yeah. I don't want anything sophisticated from the last 20 years.

I want there to be a bowl of chips on the menu. Yeah. I want there. Yep. I don't want anything sophisticated from the last 20 years. I want there to be a bowl of chips on the menu. Yep. I want there. No one too trendy serving. No. I want there to be a family business. Yep. I want there to be someone pretty unsuited to every role in the pub.

Yep. Not particularly friendly either. I want the most adventurous thing on the menu to be wedges with sour cream and sweet chilli. Yeah, that's very fair. That's very fair. Oh, that's the most European thing I want with sour cream sweet chili yeah that's it that's very oh that's the most european thing i want on there yeah yeah yeah i don't want it to be what do you call it when you get a fancy pub a bit like i don't want any bistro no yeah yeah yeah i want i want i want a cheap schnitzel i want a cheap Parma. I want, yeah, a very unexciting kids menu. Yep.

I want a dog shit lasagna that's served with chips. Yeah. The pub staple. Yep, yep. I want ponies of beer. Mm-hmm. The glasses. Yep.

Those little glasses. Yeah, I want it to be untouched for the last 20, 30 years. I want a TV that's 30 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got some insane screen burn on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just with a bit of Coxie's Big Break in the corner. Yeah.

I want to ask if they can turn it over and they say no because the remote's been lost. Lost the remote. Yeah. Too high to get up there. That's it. Yeah. That's what I want.

If anyone could tell me the best version of that, I'd be very interested to know. Yeah. I'd like to go. If anyone could tell me the best version of that, I'd be very interested to know. I'd like to go. If you know. Well, thanks, Maria. Thanks, Maria. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Andrew Shug. Shuggy.

This guy I've seen popping up. On the socials? I've seen it lately, yeah. Yeah. Shug. S-H-U-G-G. Again, just to whack an extra consonant on the end of it, just to make sure you're not confusing it with the other sort of shug.

You're a shug. Yeah, the S-H-U-G, shug, which would be embarrassing if they thought you were one and the same. A lot of bullying. It'd never stop. No. Making the sound effect of a shug as you walk by that person? Yep.

Andrew? What do you reckon he copped in high school? It's one of those things where you... Shugly? Oh, yeah. You would go, right, you'd have a gang of bullies of ne'er-do-wells in high school going, right, we've got this guy here. Obviously, he's the target.

Look at his name, Shug. Everyone goes, yep, this is the guy. Okay, but what do we do here? It's a bit like us sometimes where we think we get a great one, but sometimes too much to work with is actually a curse. So you think you've got, you look at Shug and you go, here we go. And then you start sort of, it's like sort of silly sounding. you've got, you look at chug and you go, here we go. And then you start sort of, it's like,

oh, it's sort of silly sounding. And then you, you look at it from every angle and you go, uh, it's got, it's got the appearance of easy mate. Yes.

Yeah. But once you look into it, yeah. Complicated. What is there? Yeah. What is, what do we got here?

Yeah. I'm not, I'm not sure. How do you, like you said, I'm circling. Shugly shrug. Shrugug shrug yeah shrugs are hard if you'll bring up shrug in the playground to try and fucking hammer someone go home no yeah hang

it up lost this one already yeah put the gun back in the holster it's like you know what people people would in primary school i remember like i'd be making fun of someone spoilers um but then someone would try and do that with me with my name and then i remember someone going carl carl taj mahal i'm like oh brutal sorry mate you're being kept down this year yeah yeah that's that if that's the best you've got don't don't step at the king um shug could have been the same then. Yeah. I'm thinking. God.

It seems like it's... It seems like there's endless possibilities. And then you get closer to it and you go, there's no possibility. Yeah. But you know what? We can't... Probably forgotten a real obvious one. That's it.

Shrug's just crying listening to us. This is what's going to happen. Shuggy's going to hit us up and go, fucking these are the three names I copped in fucking high school. And they're all really obvious. A Shug, Andy Shug. I was trying to say things out loud like when we missed H-U. Yeah.

Ash Shug. A Shug's life. Yep. Instead of a Bug's life. Well, maybe, I don't know how old he is, but was this, I don't know how long this book has been around for. Did you have Grug when you were Yep. Instead of a bug's life. Or maybe, I don't know how old he is, but was this, I don't know how long this book has been around for. Did you have Grug when you were growing up?

Yes. Maybe he copped Grug. I feel like that's a fucking long time ago. Because I used to cop Thomas the Tank Engine. And it's just like, well, but yeah, this is a popular cultural character. It's not a bad thing. It's a train that everyone loves. Yeah, it's not a bad thing.

It's it. But I mean, I think more when you're that age, it's more like the tone. Like addressing it now, it's like, yeah, fine. But it did used to bother me because of the tone that it was said with. Yeah, yeah. It would really get under my skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You say anything.

Oh, sexy Tommy Dasolo. Stop it. I'm hideous. Bug. Cug. Cug. Doug. It's hideous. Bug. Cug. Cug. Dug. I'm just going through the alphabet, you know.

Oh, okay. Yug. Yug. Fug. Fug. Gug. Hug. Jug.

Jug? Jug? I don't know. Nice. Well, you know, Chief, we just don't know Nice Well You know Chief we just don't have Enough evidence to hold him We're going to have to let him go

But I'm sure I've got this Beard in my waters It really is like He matches the description But we just can't Pin anything on him I know

We've got him in the line up We're going to have to turn him loose Fuck We're so close on this one Like I know I know he's down Look you know what

He'll slip up He'll slip up And he'll be back he's don't look you know what he'll slip up he'll slip up and he'll be back in here again hopefully he'll sleep hopefully he'll slip up because we sure have lug cug mug mug nug nuggets nuggets maybe you got nuggets shuggets. Shuggets. To call someone Nuggets after his name's Andrew Shug, that's incompetent bullying. Yeah, but, you know, it depends what I... If we're talking about, like, you know, late primary school. If you call someone... You start and call someone Nuggets,

and then someone says, Why do you call him Nuggets? Because his name's Andrew Shug? Yeah, but you've got, like, literally dozens of stories like that from growing up. Oh, fuck. Oh, I'd love to know the answer now. Tug.

Tug. Having a good shug? Yeah, tug. Tug. Well, also, yeah, I mean, he may have gotten some of these. It doesn't mean they were particularly effective. You got Taj Mahal. Yeah.

Like, doesn't mean that it affected you. Didn't stick with me, though. Didn't stick, but. Didn't stick. What about this? Shugboat. Shugboat. What do you think?

That's the closest I've got. Yeah. The Shugboat. I can't see. Look, I can't see a primary school mind cooking that up. Yeah, I can't. Other than the one sitting directly across from me at the moment. But I think that's as good as it's gonna get that's as good

as i've got yeah shugboat i can't do any better i'm knocking it but it's not even insulting it's more of a that's more of a familiar cool nickname that's more of a that's more of what you'd call him if he was cast in the movie american pie three maybe this guy's just like he never got any bullying he's absolutely bulletproof and he's just going to come through on the socials and just absolutely destroy us. Shuggies. What about that? What's that? The nappy.

Huggies. Shuggies. Wearing some shuggies today because you pissed your pants? Still a bit long, isn't it? Yeah, it's a bit. There's not a direct line to it. It's not ideal. It's not ideal.

Not a direct line. It doesn't stick. direct line it's not ideal it's not ideal direct line doesn't it doesn't stick like it feels like one of those things where you start up a chant in the crowd at the footy and people just go no we don't no that's not it that's not it it's not it's not catching on yeah i'm the one guy up there trying to fucking sing some bastardized version of here we go and people like well we don't we don't know we're not going to sing there he went there he went it's truly like a rose by any other name i mean this this kind of puts forth the theory that like bullying is it down to you know anything about kind of like who you are or

what you do or is it just like if there's enough to work within the name that's just who's getting oh you're victim blaming clever nickname yeah okay i't, I don't know that that's necessarily what I was doing. But it's like this guy, maybe he skated. Maybe it's just, it's purely just down to having something to work with, with the name. Yeah. You know, we like to think when we're young that, you know, people are picking on you for X, Y or Z reason. But maybe the answer is a lot more simplistic than that.

Maybe that's, maybe that's how the name got created centuries ago. We need a bulletproof, unteasable name. Yes. But one, but the perfect name in that you think you got something on him and then you don't. It's this sort of... Confuse the enemy. Yeah. Yeah.

It's almost like a plan to draw in the enemy because when they come in and then realise they have no weapons, then Shaggy just fucking absolutely guts them. Yeah. It's almost like a plan to draw in the enemy because when they come in and then realise they have no weapons, then Shaggy just fucking absolutely guts them. Yeah. Gets them close. It doesn't keep them away. It gets them close so that you can then fucking...

I like the idea of Shaggy's dad sitting him down before the first day of school and being like, now listen here, boy. This is how it's going to go down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went through it. Your grandfather went through it. Just arming him just he's gone the school he's gotten the class list ahead of time

yeah and he's just written notes ready to go on all these little cunts and just hands it off to big andy sends him in there with a fucking bazooka on day one of prep you're gonna walk in you're gonna think your first day of prep you're to think oh this is i can't you know i'm done for here i've been to 12 years of hell that you're going to figure out pretty soon you're going to fucking be running this school yeah by about grade three yep okay all right well thanks andrew thanks andrew yeah i guess some some people just some people have just got a charm live at school they've just got a name that's absolutely impenetrable for bullies, anyone to make fun of.

It must be nice. Anyway. All right. We've got one more. So let's just run into that one right now. We've got one more this week. I've got to get home. Number five for this week, I believe.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Big Fat Idiot Comedy. Yeah. Oh, it's happened again. It seems on first inspection you see big fat idiot comedy. You see big fat idiot and you think, here we go. We can take the piss out of this guy. Hang on. Gig fat idiot comedy.

Dig fat idiot comedy. E-e-g fat idiot comedy. No, no, no, no. Fig fat comedy. No, no, no, no. The big fat idiot. That's, that's, you're looking at that and you're going, we've got this guy here. But then you're getting to comedy and you're going,

oh, comedy is actually a good thing. Fig fat idiot comedy. Jig fat. Yeah, fuck. It's hard. It's really hard. Yeah. Okay.

All right. I guess we'll just leave it there. There's no use wasting our time Yeah On every single note We can't Two of them back to back We just can't do

You gotta know Know when to fold them Yeah When we know Right now Well thanks Big Fat Idiot Comedy And thanks everyone who Thanks all the Big Fat Idiots

Who subscribe to the Little Dumb Dumb Club On Patreon Patreon.com Slash Little Dumb Dumb Club If you want to get these bonus episodes every week Head to LittleDumbDumbClub.com slash littledumbdumbclub. If you want to get these bonus episodes every week, head to littledumbdumbclub.com for, yeah, the T-shirts, the hoodies, all the new stuff, the back archives of the show. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates.