The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 511 - Urzila Carlson & Nazeem Hussain

Episode Date: July 15, 2020

One hour later than scheduled, we're joined by URZILA CARLSON and NAZEEM HUSSAIN! Once we're done casting blame for our delayed start, we get down to business as Urzila makes a startling proposal for Tommy's potential pegging. We also hear a wrap up of Karl's big day of celebrations after Liverpool were crowned Premier League champions, plus we compare the social media etiquette of Nazeem and Urzila and get to the bottom of whether Nazeem is too nice. Check out Urzila's special 'Overqualified Loser' streaming globally on Netflix! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Ursula Carlson and Nazeem Hussain. You can check out Ursula's special on Netflix right now, and if you are listening to this hot off the presses, you can see us this Saturday, July 18th in our live Zoom show starting at 8.30pm Melbourne time. Carly, are you excited to get on the video airwaves for the people? Four words, Tommy. I love comedy. Yes. Okay, great. Four words that sort of don't make sense together.

The fourth word there, a bit of a passenger, I have to be honest. I thought I'd just riff it, and it didn't work out that well. LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where you can find the tickets to that. We'll talk to you more about that at the end of this episode in another edition of Talking DumbDumbClub.com is where you can find the tickets to that. We'll talk to you more about that at the end of this episode in another edition of Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Ursula Carlson and Nazeem Hussain. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me, as always, the other again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. We've got a very special guest with us in the room and we've got another special guest down the line. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Nazeem Hussain and Ursula Carlson. Hello team, how's it going? Yeah, great, thank you. Everything's going swimmingly and super smooth thanks to your shared manager. Hello team How's it going? Yeah great

Thank you Everything's going swimmingly And super smooth Thanks to your shared manager Nazanus Mate I told you Not to call her The rehab centre says

Two calls a week Otherwise you You over stimulate her She's worried She's actually worried That we're going to sack her after this so

we'll have to see how this podcast goes well this is a good ad for you guys to get a new manager so if anyone's out there

I mean for everyone at home this is being recorded an hour later we got here to record this as Urzel's precious time with

a little junket for a Netflix special I think we've caught up to the New Zealand time difference by the time we're actually

doing the episode and your manager has just lied and made things up about why she's fucked this up for everyone. There's so much

lies going on. You've got a lot of publicity to do Ursula. I mean me and Tommy have got a lot of, I don't know, what would

we normally be doing right now? I had a big Mario Kart online tournament scheduled for 11.30. That's out the window. I always think you guys record the podcast and then until the next one, you're just thinking about the podcast and then you're thinking about the next one. You just sit there thinking. We go back into a cryogenic chamber, yeah. Yeah, no, I think

you overestimate what those boys are up to. I just figured because you're all in Victoria, you're just spreading disease. Tommy's been licking a lot of pegs. I've been licking a lot of pegs, yes. Is that how it spreads? That's how it spreads, yeah. That's one of the first memes

that I saw. COVID spreads through saliva and ass to mouth. Right, right. Isn't that what you've been doing? The pegging thing? No, I was there was a bit of talk in my relationship kind of at the start of this COVID thing that maybe

I would try pegging with my girlfriend. This is the thing, a lot of people, you know, going into lockdown wanted to learn Spanish or learn how to play guitar. He wanted to learn how to get fucked in the ass. I wanted to learn how deep I could get it, yeah. What did you learn? It's only the first how to get fucked in the ass. I wanted to learn how deep I could get it. Yeah. What did you learn? Yeah. Well, I mean,

it's only the first two centimeters that hurt a lot. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Your eyes only water the first five minutes. After that, you're fine.

You got dry eyes, Tommy. I've got really dry eyes. Yeah. I don't think I'm going to go through with it. We talked about this the other Yeah. I don't think I'm going to go through with it. We talked about this the other week. I don't think I'm up to strong enough stuff to do it. I think let's give it a go when the world opens up again

and let me do it for you. Let Tommy's world open up. When the world opens up, Tommy's ass opens up as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my ass is in one of those ten postcodes that have to be locked down again. At the moment, Tommy's arse is in lockdown at the moment.

Ascot veil, as I call it. So you'd be prepared to breach the wall for my girlfriend is what you're saying, Ursula. You'd be prepared to go in there as the guinea pig, loosen me up and then she can come in and finish the job. As a middleman, so to speak. Because I think what you want is you don't want someone –

it's almost like when you've got a pimple in your ear, you need someone who doesn't love you a lot who can just fucking get it out. If you ask someone who loves you a lot, they'll stop when you say, that's sore. You want someone to go, fucking bite the pillow, cunt. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you should travel. I mean, your butt can't go to New South Wales because it's a hot spot.

No, but I could lie over the border and the top half of me could be in there. And also, you don't want Tommy in a plane and getting too high and being affected by the altitude, and all of a sudden his ass does need to pop. Yes. It seizes up. Got some jelly beans up there just to help as we're taking off. He just needs to sneeze really loud,

unblock his ass by blowing really loud. Well, Ursula, when the trans-Tasman bubble opens up and we can freely travel to New Zealand, I'll be straight over there to just get absolutely ploughed by you. Can't wait. Mate, your ass is mine. You came on here to do some plugging, but I think there's a lot of different kinds of plugging going on in this arrangement at the moment.

You better get some T-shirts, mate, bitch. You're mine. Oh, fuck. Now, going back to the manager, it has been highly unorganised this morning. There's been a massive fuck-up. Now, we're supposed to promote your Netflix special. Given that we now know the capabilities of your manager, is it a Netflix special or is it some sort of community TV

sort of special that you've got lined up? Well, I mean, I looked at the logo and there's a spelling mistake like it's Nick Floss. You thought that was just a comment on your accent but it's actually

a dodgy third rate version that she's cooked up. It's going to go Nick Floss. YouTube goes globally as well so she could just be uploading it there. And good on her. I mean, she's industrious like that, coming up with creative ways to... Look, she'll probably forget her login.

She's just got a webcam in your room and she's streaming it and that's it. And she's sold that as a special. No, that's actually just illegal, Beck. Sorry. No, it was good. But actually, Ursula's Netflix special was filmed where you guys are supposed to do your bloody big show. Oh, at the Athenaeum in Melbourne.

At the Athenaeum. So you can watch that and get all the emotions. We can pretend it's us up there. Have you done... Did you do something? What happened? What are you talking about? Did you do an equivalent?

We haven't done it yet. It's being rescheduled to November, hopefully. Our 500th episode. Even though this is episode 511, we just skipped that one and we're saving it for November so that we can be back in the same place. Who are you going to get on that 500th episode?

Probably the Premier of Victoria to tell everyone to leave the venue immediately. No, no. The Premier of Victoria will just go up and go, now put your hands up postcode wise where you're from and you bitches are all dead. You're all dead on that side. Yeah, it'll be great when the capacity of the venue

is severely diminished and we're having to email all the ticket holders and go, half of you have to give your tickets back. Work it out amongst yourselves. You guys can just sort this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other half are just riding in the street. Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's it. So you've already filmed a Netflix special, obviously, but we're just waiting for it to come out. What's the name of it again? It's called Overqualified Loser. Right, nice. Is that the hardest question you've gotten on the press junket so far? So what else is a special you've got coming out?

What's the title of it? We haven't done any research. What's your last name again? But wait, you can actually tour off the back of this in New Zealand because you guys, you're just doing normal gigs now. We're open. Yeah, we have zero. But what happened?

You had zero and then what? Someone popped up with COVID the other day No no no Because it's all Contained at the border When they say That there's Cases in New Zealand

It's all people Kiwis Returning home Yeah Like from London And Dubai And everywhere And so they're coming

In positive So it counts Towards our number But they're all In quarantine At the border So we have zero community transmission. We've got a lot.

It must be really nice. Yeah. I mean, I go to the supermarket and lick shit. Like, I hugged a stranger the other day. You don't like hugging people full stop. That would actually be awesome If you just now spend your day Hugging strangers

And live streaming that Putting that on Twitter And just atting everyone you know in Australia That's what you should do Just boasting about finishing their homework That should be your special actually Just for Australia Yeah, just me touching strangers

I even had a selfie with a woman in the dairy The other day She wanted to have it in the tampon hole. I said, fuck no, let's go to the cheese. But yeah,

I was holding her. She was holding me. It felt nice. This is what happened the other day. Was this a date? No. No, no.

It was just two strange women holding each other. Two strange women. And then we figured it... Next to some cheese. Oh, okay, it may have been a... Yeah, it may have been a date.

I'm not sure. Yeah, you're going out now. Organised by Beck. This is what happened the other day. So this will just close a bit of a thread on this show. So I'm a massive Liverpool fan. We officially won the title the other day, so it was very exciting to me.

I've been banging on about it a lot. So what happened was... It's a soccer team. It was a bit of a... Yeah, English Premier League, so a bit of an anti-climax. They're the ones that wear red. Remember those ones?

This team... Oh, no, they're not wearing it. Fuck. That's our merch. What a huge fan. What a huge fan of Liverpool. Don't even know it's not the hat. And he's literally looking at a video of himself on the street at the time.

And the hat says aware, doesn't it? Yeah, it's out there. He's not fucking aware at all. It's like you're a simple kid. Actually, if you walk around, people just look at you and go, oh, he's aware. Not the biggest fan in my entire does it say un at the back of the hat

un yeah yeah yeah it's French you know one aware we should make merch for people who don't listen to this show

and so it's like you're a fan you buy it for someone that you know that hates it and a man can wear it a shirt that says I fucking hate

the little dumb dumb club I reckon I reckon we'd sell a lot of lot I got through 10 minutes of the first ep yeah that's a bigger market

than the people who are aware of our show to be fair so yeah that does make sense so anyway do you ever hear

from those people that are like oh yeah I've heard we don't hear from people that don't know have you ever met someone

that's just been like oh yeah I listened to a few minutes of an episode yeah totally no we hear from people that just go I heard from someone a while back that just went oh yeah I listened to a few minutes of an episode. Yeah, totally. No, we hear from people who just go, I heard from someone a while back that just went,

oh yeah, I used to listen to your show like five years ago. Don't anymore. Like, cheers for that. You don't need to give us the full detail. A mate of mine said the other day, yeah, yeah, haven't, you know, podcasts are hard to keep up with in these times. I mean, you know, like I'll listen to a couple of yours,

get really bored, and then just like listen to someone else instead. But not to rub it in, just like matter of fact. I'm like, okay, I guess I'm just supposed to pop that. Hey, that's life. But, so we won the title the other day. Another team lost, which meant technically they couldn't win the title.

So that was our sort of anticlimactic way of winning. So then to make, you know, to make myself feel alive or whatever, I hit up a few people and went, do you want to go to the pub for lunch and we'll have a few beers and celebrate and whatever? And so that's what happened. Now, Tommy was nice enough to come along, even though he doesn't give a fuck. No, I give a fuck because it's a rare opportunity to see you in a good mood for a brief second in time. This was like Hayley's Comet coming past. It was like, you know what, I don't really feel like

standing outside with the telescope, but who knows when I'll get another shot at this. You don't get to see Chandler jerk off in a beer garden every day, so yeah, sure, let's do that. So it was you, Danny McGinley, a friend of the show Milan, Nick Cody, and so we got together and we

got the invite we had lunch we had a bunch of drinks and stuff like that I got the invite for full disclosure this is one of those things that Carl did invite me

to attend Ursula Carl did invite me to his wedding that's a back story famously not invited to Carl's wedding invited the comedy community of Australia and New Zealand

it's okay neither was I to be fair it was in the Yarra Valley winery I didn't know if you were allowed to go. To look at grapes. It's like the whitest place

in the world. All the truant that they have all the time. Ursula is dark as night, isn't she? Yeah. So, you were,

yeah, sorry I didn't name all the people who didn't fucking rock up. Anyway, no, no, but basically, we're on better terms.

They invited me to this, so thank you. I know, it's a client. Yeah, we were on better terms until you didn't turn rock up. Anyway, no, no, but basically, we're on better terms. They invited me to this, so thank you. I know, declined. Yeah, we were on better terms until you didn't turn up to the actual most magical day of my life. Yeah.

Yeah, so we went there. We were there for quite a while. Had lunch, had a few drinks. Got to a point where these guys got bored and took off. I stayed there

for a little while longer. Eventually, By yourself? No, with... Look at her face. I don't longer. Eventually... By yourself? No, with... Look at her face! Do you know Milan, Ursula? You surely know Milan. He travels around the world and gets comedians drunk.

You probably do know him. You don't know his name. He's like this... I probably got so drunk I blacked out. Yes. He looks like a Milan. He looks like the way his surname's spelt. Yeah. He's got a thin little moust like the way his surname's spelt. Yeah.

He's got a thin little moustache and goatee thing, and he wears sort of a beanie, and he just goes... He's got a big puffer jacket on, and he just makes you drunk until you pass out, and then disappears. That's him. So I was stuck with him, and he was trying to get me in that sort of state,

and then I went home, got home um then had dinner went to bed and really early like went to bed by like 7 30 i was so drained i was so that's cute i was really fucked so i went to bed and then my wife came in and sort of went to watch netflix at like 8 30 and woke me up and then went oh i better leave i better i better not sort of keep you up and it woke me up after an hour of sleep and I just felt so ill I was like

fuck you know when that thing when you get really ill when you feel really ill and you're stuck in bed and your thoughts just rattle around in your head and you start to go crazy

in your mind as well and I was like no I'm not aware of that really folks you know when you have a psychotic episode at 7.30 in the evening

don't you have that psychotic episode at 7.30 in the evening? Don't you have that? After dinner? It makes your brain go crazy as well. This story is like you're the subject and the host of an intervention. You're like, this is about me and I've also called this to order. Yeah, yeah. I've had the mumps and then my brain got the mumps as well. Your brain had the mumps?

What is the mumps again? You know what the mumps as well your brain had the mumps wait what is the mumps again you know what the mumps is it sounds like a cartoon yeah I just know it's part of measles mumps rubella exactly that's all I know but

I thought that was one of those diseases they'd gotten rid of yeah you know when you've got the consumption you are so old no no but thank god for anti-vaxxers

all of that shit's back yeah it's back yeah yeah no no there's some oils you just rub that shit on the mumps and it goes. Some patchouli on your patchouli. Yeah, just stand next to a 5G tower.

Google Bill Gates. I just put my phone on airplane mode and then you got rid of any mumps. Yeah, right. Like, queues you straight away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So to be clear, I didn't have the mumps. I'm just saying.

I was really sick. But this is the thing. Honestly, I convinced myself I had COVID-19. Oh, my God. I was really sick. But this is the thing. Honestly, I convinced myself I had COVID-19. Oh, my God. I was in bed. I was like, fuck. Wait, wait. Do you have COVID-19?

Maybe he does. This is a weird way of coming out about it. No, I don't have it. A text would have been nice. I've been hanging out with you a couple of hours before. So why did you think you had it? That's because Urzel is actually in Australia. But she's on Zoom right now just so she doesn't.

I told her I had it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's just outside. Wait, so you thought you got COVID-19? I saw his oxygen tank. I was like, is that right? in Australia but she's on Zoom right now just so she doesn't I told her I had it she's just outside yeah wait so I saw his oxygen tank I was like it's not right so I convinced myself

I had it and I was like fucking hell and I was like just swimming around in my brain going making plans you're swimming

in his own brain for the next month I love this I can't do the podcast anymore I can't we're in a two bedroom flat we're going to have to put

our child in one room, me in one room, my wife in the other room. This is great. Drinking all day. Oh well, I've got the Rona. That was it. That was it. So then I got out of bed and I went through like the five stages of being ill or whatever. I was like,

I'd woken up and I was like, A, I'd woken up out of my sleep. I was like, that's not right. Then I was like, you know, A, I'd woken up out of my sleep. I was like, that's not right. Then I was like, oh, I feel a little bit weird. And then I had the brain illness. And then I'd get up and go, right, I have to get up.

Something has to be done to like defeat this, to make sure I'm a bit better. So what did you do to defeat your own coronavirus? I just walked into the bathroom. If I just stand in the bathroom. If I just stand in the bathroom,

I've got options. That'll scare off the germs. This guy's serious. He's taken us into the cleanest room in the house. Yes.

The illness is like, COVID's like a vampire. It can't see its own reflection in the mirror. You were just turning around in front of the mirror. Just letting all parts

of your body see itself. I'm just saying, Corona 19, like, you know, three times in the mirror Corona 19 that's what it's called going down to the supermarket

with a bunch of garlic around your neck back so wait you just walked were you naked yes so you walked

into the bathroom naked trying to cure COVID-19 by standing in front of the mirror no but I go in

because I'm like close to the toilet so then there's a stage you know that stage where you get you get ill and then you start, do you ever do this?

You get this in your head. I suspect the answer is going to be no, by the way. This is the last stage I'm happy. Explain why this drunken no-jum is my friend, I mean. I'd be shocked if there's a single relatable part of this story. You've lost the non-Muslims too. I feel like I'm reading

fucking I feel like I'm reading Game of Thrones or something it's just like deep fantasy but backwards

backwards so then I do that the last stage before I think right it's time to vomit or anything like that is I'll just

like have a big build up in my mouth and I'll just be spitting a lot I'll just be like you don't do that I'll just I'll have that in my mouth and I'll just be spitting a lot. I'll just be like, you don't do that? I'll have that in my mouth and I'll just be spitting

into a bucket or spitting into a glass by the side of the table. Just trying to induce the vomit. So this is evening, this is like 8.30, 9 o'clock. So your daughter's still awake? Yeah, no, no.

She went to bed at the same time as me. And we both got put to bed at the same time. But you've been asleep, so you've drunk all day, you've been asleep for like an hour or so

and then you've woken up from like kind of a half Sort of drunken Fever kind of sleep Yes Okay alright So you've got like dry mouth Like that real

Sorry I'm still I'm still at the So usually you just get That watery build up In your mouth And you're spitting it In a glass next to the bed So what if you wake up

In the middle of the night now You've sort of finished With a watery mouth and you see this glass and you take a swig of your... Oh! It's going to make me throw up. No, so this is...

To skip ahead, this is what happened the next day. I forgot about that, yes. Oh, my God. My daughter then walks up, picks up the glass and starts running around with it. Oh!

And I'd forgotten all about it, so my wife's like, I don't let her run around with the water. I'm like, what's the worst that can, don't let her run around with the water. I'm like, what's the worst that can happen? It's just a glass full of water. And then she tips it on the carpet. And then my wife's like, why is that not seeping into the carpet very quickly?

Because it's COVID-19. Nazeem is fully about to spew in my mouth. Can we stop? I want to vomit. It's like pre-cum, but pre-vomit. I'm about to vomit too. Just the mention of the child

meaning that Carl's had sex at one point. That's enough to make me cry. Wait, so you should send that off to a lab because that was basically COVID expelled from your body. But,

you do know I don't have COVID, don't you? Well, not anymore after your bloody mirror thing. Yeah, yeah. And the spitting. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what happened.

I then spewed the COVID out, so it's all gone. Email AMA. So that's what happened. So I got all that. I got the pre-spit out. And then I was like, right, this is it. But it's sort of like a nice thing. It doesn't get you pregnant, the pre-spit.

It can. It can. Yeah, it can. When you're a grown-up, you know how when you're a kid, again, I'm going to ask a question. Did this happen to you as a kid? Did this happen to you?

Dad's spit on you. Carl's childhood is so relatable. I was petrified of vomiting as a kid. It was like, as a kid, I'd be spewing and just going, oh no, mum, I don't want to do this again. You'd have it was like, as a kid, I'd be spewing and just going, oh no, mum, I don't want to do this again.

You know, you'd have one go and then you'd have another go and in between, it'd be hurting you. You'd be like, I don't want this to happen anymore. And I'd be like,

asking mum to make it stop somehow. But, so now as a grown up. Why don't you just exercise? I do exercise. No, so I was just making, that's a joke about bulimia.

Apologies. Yeah, I had spinal taps as a kid I think that's actually painful So I can't relate to this I mean that's got to be edited Bit bored of it if anything Yeah I had cancer as a kid So yeah no this is real Did you?

Because he did He did Yeah me too Did you? Yeah I think we must have talked about that Well no I was 20. Oh, a kid.

A kid. I mean, now. Did you qualify for any, did you qualify for any, like, special wishes at that age? No. That's a, that's a shit thing.

A blowjob? Like, you're not young enough to get the sympathy, but you're not old enough for people to go, she's lived such a full life. Yeah. You just,

you just get fuck all when you're 20 they go oh yeah i think it's interesting that you count yourself as a kid when you're 20 i think there's probably some sexual part no i didn't when i was 20 i didn't but now that i'm in my mid-40s now i look at 20 year olds and I go, fucking kids? Yeah. Just being like, this pedophile fucked me when I was 34. Cancel that. So what happened was I then go to the toilet. I go, right, this is it. These days I've got a bit of pride when I vomit

because I'm like, I'm not scared. I'm not calling for mum anymore. I can just let it all come out. I don't even care anymore. So I then vomit and I'm still thinking I've got COVID. I'm a big boy. Yeah, yeah. I'm a big boy, yeah i'm a big boy

but i've got covid i'm finished so so then that's the bit where i vomiting clears my head and then i go oh you know what i don't have covid i don't have to go and because i look in the i look in the toilet and see what i vomited out, and then I realise what my intake has been that day. Literally what I've got is I've gotten up. Just write a food diary. Yeah, that's what it is. I've gotten up. I've gone to the pub straight away.

I've had like three pints before I've eaten anything. Then I've eaten a Parma and chips. Then had another six beers. And then Milan brought along cookies for me. So then I just ate a bunch of cookies, like massive cookies. Milan, as in wheat cookies? No, like massive choc-chip cookies. He brought along massive, huge ones that are like plates.

And then I went home and ate a bunch. So stop, stop. A man that likes to get comedians fucked. People drunk. So they black out, bring you biscuits biscuits And you just go ahead and eat them There's something Is your ass Is your ass open right now

Like I said You should do a pregnancy test guys Can you boys Can you boys hear the ocean next to him That is true You can't trust that guy Is he in the ocean next to him? That is true. You can't trust that guy. There was a flight bubble going on in my butthole at the moment.

So then I ate all those cookies and then I got home and I had a couple more beers and then I had a curry and then I went straight to bed. Why'd you oh my god at that part? They're just rolling the curry out there like it's no big deal. There's a lot to slosh around with chocolate chip. That's my food diary for the day. And I was thinking, oh, did I have COVID-19? No, I've just eaten the worst fucking diet.

Worst combo. Yeah, the worst diet, the worst milkshake of all time all just fucking mixed up together. And let's reiterate, this is all happening. You're having this fever dream. You're thinking you've got the worst illness you can have at the moment. This is technically still the best day of your life. It's a Liverpool victory. Have you seen all those articles?

I look back on that whole experience very fondly. I've read heaps of these articles. That's basically childbirth. You basically went through childbirth. It's horrific. But at the end of it, you go, this is the best day of my life. Yes. Right, right.

You know, there's all these articles that come up in my feed about what it feels like to have COVID-19, the truth. Right. You should write an article what it feels like to kind of feel like. To think you had it. Yeah, to think you had COVID-19. What it feels like to eat a pie or a box of cookies and a curry. What it feels like to support Liverpool, basically.

Right, right. It did feel like 30 years of hurt like we hadn't won the title for 30 years that was 30 years of hurt coming out of my mouth into the toilet that night

oh man maybe that maybe that vomit was you going we won the trophy but without kicking a ball

and that is why you got so sick yeah it's the truth it's the truth that was funneling through your mouth yes

that was instead of like being sick on champagne being sick on cookies curries and a few pints that's the yeah yeah

that's the anticlimactic celebration oh god that is a monstrous story I hated it but you know you know what it's like if you

um you can read symptoms because I used to work for the newspaper and then we'd publish you know in the health pages symptoms and stuff and how you have to get yourself checked out and every week people who read it go i think i've got this you know like you can relate to all symptoms and you have to go mom you don't have prostate cancer you know you sort of have to pull all these people you can read anything and go i think i've

got that yeah yeah yeah you know so like in these suburbs in these postcodes that are the hot spots there have been a thousand people that have been door knocked and have said no to getting voluntary tested yeah yeah yeah people are like they're just like i'd rather not know if i've got it it is it is bad but also when they when they publicize it as all we do is we stick this six foot pole up your nose and waggle it around a bit like and if you see my brain stem on both sides you're like no that doesn't sound like me at all and all the news stories like when they're talking about it and they just have the vision in the background of people getting tested you see all of them actually gag like they have like montages of people just well they're they just pioneered a saliva test. I'm waiting until they pioneered a rectal test.

They just go to Carl's house and just swab the carpet. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They just knock on the door and my daughter answers it with her drink bottle. They just swab that. I just assume, because I'm in this house and I just assume none of my neighbours know

who I am because i'm like the youngest one by about 20 years and then um oh you know like i was pruning one of the trees on the ladder and the neighbor was chatting to me and then she goes how's it you know to be in auckland this time of year and i go fine this is during lockdown when we were like at level four i go yeah fine and she goes because you're normally in melbourne and i was like what and she goes yeah i i follow you on all your social media and i've been to like i did this chat uh creative mornings for advertising a while ago she goes since then i've been following you and I thought, I haven't talked a shit about the neighbours online. I'll burn them.

And I know one of them plays a clarinet. And I went, my neighbours have zero fucking talent. And now I'm like, I haven't heard the clarinet since I brought it up. Oh, no. No. So whoever was playing clarinet got that thing shoved up their asshole or bent around a tree. But since lockdown, since I said these people have no fucking talent,

never again. I haven't heard it. Now I'm like, oh, my God, it was her, wasn't it? That's the one. Nice. They know. They know. But they're like, I'm this wild card now.

They don't know. I can fucking say anything. So now is there any, like, behavior that your neighbors have that you're like, you know what? I could do with a bit less of this, a bit less mowing the lawn on Saturday morning. You just got to do interviews and put that out there and hope that it triples back.

Just send them a link. I thought I'm going to burn them a bit about not mowing their fucking lawns enough. Cause I love a tidy lawn. Like I, I even do do spot cutting. If there's one area, there's always one patch of grass

that grows faster than the others. So I quickly mow that. I keep it like a fucking golf course of mine. And they don't. It looks like wild rabbits can fucking breed at their yard. So if you are listening to this, Carol, get the fucking mower.

I think we do have a Carol in New Zealand that listens yeah I've seen that one on the social you go golf you do the golf thing don't you like you're still

you go to the golf range where you're swinging I've been going to the one at Albert Park it's freaking packed and you don't even need skills you just basically swing see what happens

the driving range it's fun it's great until 9pm this reminds me now your manager or your ex-manager probably, by the end of this. Which we should point out, by the way, for all the bagging of them at the start, what makes this so great is that they do listen. Yes.

They're fans of the show and they seem to be, this has happened before too, where they almost seem to be working to make sure the show doesn't happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she said that she, with your Netflix special coming out, that as your manager, she's working on censoring you and deleting some of the functions

on your social media so you don't have access to it. Because with all this publicity coming up, you've just been telling too many fans of yours to get fucked and that they're cunts. Is that true? That just seems inconsistent with Ursula's personality.

I actually just told someone last night to get fucked cunt. Because you know, okay, so because sometimes, and I try really hard and even Nazeem's going, oh, he's trying a positive approach and she's getting and Nazeem, she goes, tell Ursh

about this and you know, about how well he handled stuff. Beck made me tell Ursh about this and, you know, about how well he handled stuff. Beck made me tell Ursh about this one example, yeah. Yeah, so I try. I try really hard. Did you really? The thing is, yeah, so I try not to, like, I haven't responded, I don't respond to people for, like, weeks

at the end. But then, because I'm perimenopausal and I've always had really short fears and I can't stand fucking stupid people so um like if I do get to deal with like an anti-vaxxer or you know someone who supports Trump or you know people burning down 5G towers and they're super vocal about it and and you say something that's like you know scientific and you know proven statistically they are fucking wrong and they go yeah but like those two people the two lawyers protecting their house with a little water

black lives matter protesters yeah and then that people go well they were protecting their property they were walking past nothing have you seen the footage like these people are fucking insane so um i posted i just i didn't post anything about that because i didn't want to trigger anyone because i didn't want to get into a political discussion because i knew then i'd go fuck off cunt so i just i i used that photo of the two of them and who's standing there with a gun going this is what it looks like when you tell your south african parents you're a vegetarian now and then you know it's just a joke and then people go yeah well good on them for protecting their property and you know like keep going about it and yeah and you know you need to stick up for

yourself and i'm like that's what the protesters were doing they were pretty you know like stick sticking up for themselves these people were just out of fucking line. So this one woman went, and every person that said something about these people are crazy, she would write something like, no, they're protecting their, and they have the right to do this. And I just went, hey,

go soil someone else's page, you fucking trash bag. And then when she called me again. And my Netflix special drops in two weeks. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thanks for your support. And then I she commented again And my Netflix special drops in two weeks Yeah yeah Thanks for your support And then I just go So when she commented again

I go fuck off cunt Go fuck yourself And then I go See yourself now So normally what I do is I just go if someone's out of line I don't block them Unless I think they're really out of line Because I don't block them unless I think they're really out of line.

Because I can't be fucked with them. If they're too stupid, then I block them. So if you listen to this and I've blocked you, it's because you're fucking dumb. But normally, if you're just irritating, then I'll say, see yourself out. And those people usually block me, which is great. Very nice.

But yeah, if they're like that, I leave their comments up and then I block them so people can keep hiding on them. Yeah, that's a great question. Well, did you know, I found out there's a difference between a cancel culture. Well, that's because I was reading something about what is cancelling someone. And cancelling someone is when you're not just shaming them online, but you go to their employer, you try to get them to sack and blah blah and i read that and then some guy recently said he didn't say i want to rape you but he goes i hope you get raped you piece of shit anyway so i just messaged

him going oh what's what are you having a sick about boo-boo um anyway he was just like you're a piece of shit and i go and then i just found his employer from his Facebook page I go well I wonder if your employer TJM Rail whatever would be interested in your comments yeah I think it might

actually be TJM Rail fucks that anyway TJM Rail but he freaked out he freaked out and he stopped

and he apologised and I was like I wasn't going to do it anyway I just oh wow yeah that's great Ursula you having

your access to your social media limited um big so that you can't tell people to fuck off that's a bit like me with the little dum-dum accounts except that it's the person who's more likely to say fuck off is the one limiting me i'm no threat whatsoever but i'm being kept at bay for some reason what have you done what was your crime i i don't know i just don't have the i just don't have the part i've asked you never i have us you have the passwords you haven't so have you done? What was your crime? I don't know. I just don't have the password. You've literally never asked. I have asked. You said you don't have the password.

You haven't. So have you in this whole time never had the password? I feel like the dads are arguing. Are you guys getting a divorce? Why do you sign up with KC then? Tommy Daslow is very essentially a very lazy person. He's asking to be in on his own. Get me in.

You're a very lazy person. I am not a lazy person. You are a very lazy person. I do plenty. I'm not lazy. Get me in. You're a very lazy person. I am not a lazy person. You are a very lazy person. I do plenty. I'm not lazy. No, Tommy. Tommy, just calm down. It's only been 511 episodes. To a thousand.

He'll let you in eventually. Tommy's got full access to the Facebook page. He's never put anything up. Because when I did stuff in the past, you'd go, you've done this wrong. Take it down. I think you're quite wrong. But anyway.

Give me access today to the Twitter and the Insta. The tension in this room right now. How about this? Put me on probation. Ten years. Hasn't been ten years with no Facebook access. You've had ten years of access to Facebook. It's your week this week.

You do your best. This is Tommy's week on Facebook I'll go on probation and then can I have then can I have if I do a good job in your eyes

which is impossible to do but if I do a good job by your standards can I have access to the Twitter and the Instagram you can have a week's trial a week's trial

can there be parameters around what he can post like no photos of your arsehole no that's great yeah sure get in there alright but

this is like watching my three old ask me for another biscuit before baking you do know I'm going to have access to the DMs

then right absolutely okay alright are you concerned that there's dodgy DMs going on I'd be concerned that you're going

to go back into the DMs and say we didn't mean it when we said get fucked, cunt. Yes. That's a lot of messages. Yes.

I should have access to that fucking account. Yeah, yeah. That could be my outlet. That could be my outlet. Absolutely. Let's make it like Tig Notaro's account. Everyone can just have a go for a week at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I'm going to live up to this because i i dispute that i'm lazy i'm disorganized and i'm hopeless just on facial just just on facial hair alone lazy implies that i'm sitting around not wanting to do things i like doing things i'm active i'm out there okay i don't think i'm amazing tommy tommy i don't think you should go down this line because now it just sounds like you're too stupid to do it like If you just go, I'm lazy, but you go, I'm not very organised, I'm a scatterbrain, I really want to, but I just don't.

It sounds like Carla's just dumped you and you are pleading at the door to be let back in. Yeah, I want to be let back in. I want to fuck him. We have great sex together. See, would a lazy person do back in. I want to fuck him. We have great sex together. See, would a lazy

person do that? Would a lazy person be banging on the door going, please fuck me again? Why do you sign off with KC then? What does that mean?

Carl Chandler. Why do I sign off with? Why do you do that if it's just you all the time? Just to give the illusion that. We've got both

access to Facebook. That's why I put, I do put KC because Oh, okay. So Tommy just doesn't have access to Instagram. It's Insta and Twitter that I don't have access to. Oh, okay why I put... I do put KC because... Oh, okay. So Tommy just doesn't have access to Instagram. It's Insta and Twitter that I don't have access to. Oh, okay. I mean, the fun's on Facebook, isn't it?

Well, no, I disagree. Insta's the fun one. The fun's whatever you can't get into. Yeah, yeah. That's the big fruit. Seeing you lose your mind when you get drunk and go live on Instagram, I was like, I want to do that.

Let's just flood the freaking Instagram account. I want to create fake accounts, troll you, flirt with you. I'm going to be your honey trap. Oh, a honey pot. Right, right, right.

What you bring up is a good example. You said, oh, you lost your mind week one of ISO and go live drunk on that. It was supposed to be me and you together

but you couldn't be bothered. You asked me at the last minute. Lazy. You asked me at the last minute. Lazy. I was at my girlfriend's house and you said, hey,

I'm getting on Instagram right now. Do you want to do it? No, no, no. You did. You asked me at the last minute Lazy I was at my girlfriend's house That's very lazy And you said Hey I'm getting on Instagram right now Do you want to do it No no no You did You asked me at the very last minute No no no You did That's a lazy memory you have there

What are you talking about Very lazy memory What are you fucking talking about One of his eyes is drooping He's got a lazy eye I've got a lazy asshole It's wide open I was about to say

That's why I haven't been paid Can't even be fucking taught anymore Oh this is the best I hate this I'll wear anything else I've got a lazy asshole that's wide open. I was about to say that's why I haven't been paid. can't even be fucking caught anymore. Oh, this is the best. I hate this. I'll wear anything else but I'm not lazy. I fucking hate it.

Wait, so has this accusation been levelled at you before? Oh, constantly. So then there's clearly some, that's so much of a defence to say people always call me lazy

but I'm not. No, no, no, no, not by other people, by him. Oh my God.

Are you gaslighting it years ago and i'm now refuting it now 10 years later i'm getting around i'm finally getting around to it yeah yeah oh shit so so all right all right we've got a guest let's be nice in front of the guest sorry ursula so your special your special is coming out when this comes out it's coming out basically right now we want maximum eyes on it right now um so people should watch it and review it and and only good reviews yes if you didn't like it you should drink and drive yeah great so you you did film it in the athenaeum in melbourne months and months and months ago and and december getting back yeah getting back to your manager so your manager obviously hooked all this sort of stuff up now you came into melbourne you did a couple

of warm-up shows now your manager hit me up to host the warm-up shows at the venue i run at the club i run at the european beer cafe and so you you came in to um to do the warm-up shows there which is uh it's very nice it's netflix's venue of choice for warm-up shows yeah that's very yeah the unfilmed TV shows. So your manager hit me up and goes, if you can sort of organise it, put it all together and whatever, yeah, no problem at all. And then I'm sort of thinking,

fuck, this is very generous of me to host this for free. There's two big shows and whatever. And then your manager said, in reply, what we'll do is i'll just get hers to do a free show for you in the comedy festival that's what i'm going to do and sort of just fobbed it off and went oh she you know my little my little underling earth she can just do a free for you you're really trying to get her to sack her so yeah so then yeah yeah what's what's happened then is i don't know if you've been watching the news, but the comedy festival didn't happen.

And so you didn't come and do a gig for me, Ursula. So I guess what I'm trying to say is now, instead of the free show, can I do five minutes up front of your Netflix special? Can I just do that? Over Zoom, I think I just edited it. I'll let my manager set up a time for you to record that. Don't be late.

Lock that in. Lock it in. I look forward to seeing it. Basically what you're saying is Ursula owes you now. Well, the manager definitely owes me. The manager does. But I'll let her come round and do some gardening or do some carpet washing at yours.

Great. She can come and wash the carpet. That's amazing. Yes. That owes you. Exactly. No, we'll do that. I mean, the reality is if you want to make it in comedy,

you've really got to get to know Bec. She started our careers. We were actually not even doing comedy at the time. Oh, really? I was working at a strip club. I was stripping. I was stripping. Ursula was stripping.

And Bec came in. She just saw her I gave her lap dance and told her a joke in her ear and then she's like you should get into comedy and then

she's like the guy from the Avengers just going around like hey I'm assembling a comedy management company you should get on the books exactly and that's how

she discovered it so maybe that's why she was testing you out seeing if you got it. Yeah, well, yeah, I mean, God. Everyone should hit her up. We should probably give out her email address. Yeah, if you're out there.

There's a lot of open micers that listen to this show. Oh, wait, I'll just give her a phone number. I've got it right here. No, I'm just saying, dude. I've got a phone number. That's Bex Sutherland and there's 04 oh okay okay you know what

actually this is kind of kind of related this is actually the um those messages that uh did I

did I send you these before this is like the craziest interaction I've had on Facebook in recent memory this is an this is

so basically Bex told me to send these messages to Ursula to calm her down in the future in the way that she responds to me. So basically I took a photo of myself in pajamas with Sriracha bottles on them.

My sister got them for me for a gift and I posted on Instagram. Some guy replied to the story saying, this is not an ironically funny shit. It's shit. You're shit. I said, huh? I can't see which image you're having a sook about and he goes hot sauce t-shirt

forget it I'm just in a shit mood and that shirt pushed me over the edge and I thought I'm going to try this nice thing so I said lol fair enough

see at this point I'd go fuck off cunt yeah Urzula's lasted one message into this exchange and look

and that's what I would say as well Urz and that's what I will be teaching Tommy to do over the next week. Yeah, yeah. I want everyone online to hate me. Teach me your ways.

So I go for walks when I'm feeling flat. Fresh air in the lungs always does something good for my mood. Three heart emojis. He says, I exercised once a few years ago. Didn't care for it, but thanks. I said, hey,

you got to do whatever makes you feel good. I'm here for you, bro. Didn't expect this. You're a gem of a bloke He says I said likewise Kiss Not easy to admit You're feeling shit

Strange times High five to that After social distancing That is he says Laughing emoji from me Anyway Fast forward Fast forward

Fast forward This is not me by the way This is just unusual You saved my life Wow Wow And then auto reply Thanks for your message I don't check these very often If this is a business. You saved my life. Wow. And then auto-reply. Thanks for your message.

I don't check these very often. If this is a business inquiry, please email my manager at Bex. Sounds a bit lazy. Anyway, that's what happened. I'm not doing any automated messages. I'm just not replying, which I think as a decision, I take it and I weigh it up. Should I send back something disingenuous or should I just let it go? And I decide let us go.

So there's actually a lot of thought and effort that goes into that. Well, there you go. There's a lot of sweat going into it. Exactly. Wow. That's crazy. So he was headed for the Westgate Bridge. Oh, wow.

That's very interesting because I'll present the flip side of your social media using, which is this. Uh-oh, here we go. Oh, no! Oh, no! Yes, yes. No! Yes.

Oh, no. I think this is good, though. I think this is also good. I kind of think that Naz is too nice on social media. He's the opposite of me and you. No, no, no. You should check out some of the comments. No, listen.

Just listen. Just listen to my side of the story. He's decided something about you that is correct, and you need to fucking hear it. This is going to make me sound like a reverse pedophile, like I'm some opposite creep. No, no. Let's all evaluate.

Reverse pedophile. Let's all evaluate the story. A kid fucked me. Let's evaluate the story. So I've been saying to Naz, he's too open to people. He's too nice to just randoms to everyone. It's going to cause a problem at some stage. A good quality, by the way.

Generally a good quality for people to have. When you say two at the start of anything, that means too much. So two of anything is bad. Hey, he used an extra word. That is not lazy. You've got to give him something. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Right. So you are too open to all these randoms. Now, I said that to you. Then you started screenshotting and going, check this out. And there's just randoms messaging him and saying, oh, I love you. You look so handsome here, Naz.

And then you're sending messages back going, you look really hot yourself. No, no, I didn't say that. Oh, my God. No, no, let me read it. Let me read it. It's middle-aged women sending messages. No, it's say middle-aged. Oh, my God! No, no. Let me read it. Let me read it. It's middle-aged women sending messages.

No, it's not middle-aged. That is a compliment. What's wrong with middle-aged? What's wrong with that? Much older than middle-aged, I would say, is what I... Well, I wouldn't have thought so. I would have said

middle-aged is about right. So then because he knows it annoys me that he's openness with these randoms, he's just absolutely led this old woman on for like weeks.

I didn't lead her on. And she's sending messages. Where is this? She's sending selfies every day going, you look cute today. What about me, Naz? No, no, no. And then Naz is going,

absolutely, you look stunning. And then screenshotting it and sending it to me going, check this out. No, no. You're making it out like I am. Till he got the photo of the grey-haired pussy? Send it back.

Well, here it is. You've actually made it out to be much worse than it is. He's some sort of Nigerian prince to this old lady. I'll just make it a day. She's absolutely in. I'm currently scrolling through. She's sending in pictures of cakes that she's baked for him. A piece of cake for you. I hope you have a lovely month. No, she's just a nice woman. She's sending in pictures of cakes that she's baked for him. A piece of cake for you.

I hope you're having a lovely month. No, she's just a nice woman. She's sending cakes along to you. I'm going to find this. She's sending pictures of all these meals that she's baking in her house. Okay, Carl, you've actually completely misrepresented this whole fucking story. She's just a lonely woman. You know, Nazeem, what you're doing is cruel.

This poor bitch and her 14 cats. Her cats are worried about her, but they're happy that she's finally up and moving, you know, without the forklift. And in a potential relationship with a guy from TV. She's probably let all of her family know that she's found a man. And she's screenshotting it and sending that

to everyone a lonely old woman messaging a comedian there is a huge chance that she's listening to this right now let's go through

the messages here they are alright basically the only reason I said these look at how much messaging you're

doing with her that's fucking heaps look she's some older woman right very older and she's clearly people that message

you out of nowhere constantly I wanna know how old and she looks and she looks very simple too oh my god oh my god no simple as in like

simple life simple life oh yeah that's not what you mean so I don't know if you mean she's not very bright or she's

no no she just looks like she enjoys simple pleasures like just so you know just so you know So I don't know if you mean she's not very bright or she's... No, no. She just looks like she enjoys the simple pleasures. Just so you know, when Naz went through the messages, there was a lot of scrolling. There's been a lot of correspondence. I can see his arm is going up and down. I was going through my message there with you. That's like me when you have to scroll to get to your birth year

on anything now. It takes her like 45 minutes to have to When you have to scroll to get to your birth year On anything now It takes her like 45 minutes to get to the 70s Okay So we'll just stop here That's you choosing your country You know going from Austria all the way down to New Zealand She basically sent me a message saying You are so cute love you

I can't afford you to appear at my birthday party So when's your birthday and where Is this really you Nazeem Yes I'm excited as I truly love your comedy. Yay. Amazing. So anyway, she sends me,

love to see a pic of you. You're so lovely to talk to. Your fans truly so nice. And she sent me a photo of her in a freaking weird alien filter coming to my party. Great food, drinks,

and a kiss. Love you. I love, anyway, lots of messages. Yeah, kiss, kiss,

love you anyway. Let's push on to the next bit. She said, I love Orange is the New Brand, which is your sketch show. I see what you mean. She said I love Orange is the New Brown which is your sketch show. I see what you mean. She basically

constantly messages me. No but she constantly you lazy lazy prick. Good boy Tommy. This is the

flirting that Carla's referring to right. She sends me a selfie of herself a photo of herself. Hi, N, how are you? Which is how I was how are you?

Wow, she told you the N word. Not cool, man. She goes, you so funny. This is my flirting. I just said, thanks, Angela. You're looking good. That's what I said. Let's keep going.

Angie? Yeah, she replies with, thank you. You so sweet. I like you a lot. There's a screenshot that the send in to Carl. And I said, thanks, Angela. I think you're pretty great too. Wow.

I'm really flirting with her. And she goes, you're just so nice. I love the way you are. XOXO, three hearts. Well, that says a lot about you. Heart. Love heart. Am I flirting with an old woman there?

Yes. Then hug emojis and all these random emojis over several days. She sends me another selfie. Hi, and hope you have a good weekend. She's forgotten your name. Three hearts. How is this? And then I said, thanks, Angela.

Have a fun day. I'm really leading an old woman on. Nothing since. That was it. That was it. It becomes very one-sided. You're using the social too much. I'm not using them enough. You can't fucking

win with this guy. There's one exact correct amount to use social media and that's the amount Carl Chandler uses it, ladies and gentlemen. That's the way Carl and I use it. The only correct quota. Yes. And see, out of that

Urza's got a Netflix special and me, I've got half a podcast. There we go. And pre-vomit on your carpet. It's COVID free. Guys, I have to go. I have to go pick the kids up at school. I wish I could stay and finish this,

but because Beck fucked up our whole... Shout out to Beck. I can't let my three-year-old stand outside in the road waiting for me because Auntie Beck fucked up again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so the Netflix special, Overqualified Loser, it is on Netflix as of today when people are listening to it. No, no, it's...

One of the funniest specials you've ever... Oh, it's our live freaking... It's the 14th of July. We're putting this up on the day. Ursula's always on fire, but this is like, seriously, your best work. Your best work. So she brought it on the night twice. Yeah.

Yeah, I know my parents are really looking forward to it, Ursula, because as we've said on the show before, you are my parents or one of my parents' favourite comedian. I would have said to them to listen to this, but given the discussion we had at the start, I reckon I'll be keeping this from them. Although they might think that I could at the start, I reckon I'll be keeping this from them. Although they might think that I could

join the family, so maybe they'd be into that. I'm going to start shopping for an engagement ring. You are one of five comedians that my mum

knows thanks to ads for Have You Been Paying Attention. So yeah, you're on her radar as well. My sister literally tells me all the time,

Ursula is my favourite comedian. I'm going to marry your sister one day and then shit's going to get real real. Don't worry Tommy, I'll still fuck you though. Oh phew. That suits a lazy man like me. I don't have to do anything.

I just lay back and get absolutely pummeled. You won't be lying. You'll be on your hands and knees with a ball in your mouth and a feather duster. I'll bring my own ball. Don't worry. You know, COVID restrictions would be unhygienic to use another type of ball. Ursula and Nazeem, thank you very much for joining us.

And thanks very much for listening. And we'll see you next time. See you, Max. And they have done it again. That's now that that's the four words I should have picked up the top of the show. They've done it again. Instead of I love comedy. Yes, that's, that's, that's the proper four words I should have picked up the top of the show. They've done it again. Instead of I love comedy, yes.

That's the proper four words. They're the four little words that mean so much when you say it to your sweetie. You know when you get that bit to a – Yeah, yeah, it's that meme. That bit when you get in a relationship where it's like you just want to hear those four special little words. They've done it again. Yeah. Are you imagining this like post-coital?

Like this is pillow talk like you've just had sex and you turn to your partner and go, they've done it again. I might bust that one out and see how it goes. I want to re-voice that scene in When Harry Met Sally when they just look over at Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan and go, oh, they've done it again. They've done it again.

Someone's going to dub that for us now for sure. We'll have that by, I reckon we'll have that by close of business when this episode goes up. I want to buy COB for sure. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, often when we do these call-outs, you then end up getting sort of multiple bites at the chair like multiple people have a crack they're all sort of working on it at the

same time unbeknownst to each other and then we kind of get to decide which is the optimum version that we want to put out onto the socials and um and there's often one in the mix that's like you appreciate the effort but but my God, like if you'd have known the quality of what some other people were working on, just take the afternoon off. Don't worry about it. Why did you try and do video editing with MS Paint? Like, I mean, appreciate the effort, but come on.

That's ridiculous. But yeah, like I want a bit of that. I want a bit of someone leaning over and going, oh, they've done it again. And then rewording whoever they're with saying, they've kicked a big one, Bernie, as well. So if they can fit that in. Well, that's what I was going to say. We're talking about the four most beautiful words.

I was about to ask about the five most beautiful words, whether we're about to hear them or not. Absolutely. Look, and in full disclosure, this is one of those times where I have to sort of go, look, I have to plead the fifth on this one. This is an episode we did two weeks ago. I'm pretty sure I remember this being good. But yeah, look, I'm struggling to remember an episode we did last night,

let alone two weeks ago. But it felt good. It felt good. Yeah, yeah. And so, yeah, we did record this two weeks ago with uh nazim in the same room as us and uh boy me editing it this afternoon it was just a it was just a look back into a different time three mates hanging out in melbourne in the same room having a good time and then now we're back we're doing this this kind of um this this this podcast episode as a whole kind of straddles the line between the old and the new

because we did this in the same room, but we're now doing Talking Dum Dum remotely down Zoom because lockdown has come into effect after recording the actual guts of the episode. So there's a lot to take in there, but yeah, they've done it again. Ursula has also done it again. She's got her Netflix special, Overqualified Loser, up right now. So check that out, folks. I did have it on just before because it came out just before. As soon as it came out, I thought I'd put it on in the background

while I was doing a few little jobs. And my wife, don't say her name, the accident, she walked in and went, who's this? And I said, it's Ursula Carlson. And she goes, she's got quite a mouth on her, hasn't she? And I said, yes. Wow. Okay.

I was like, how is she walking into a room and hearing Ursula Carlson talk, doing a stand-up special and getting offended at the language she uses, considering she lives with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's fascinating. Well, I told my, so I mentioned in this episode that my parents are big fans of Ursula, and I told them, because they got Netflix at the start uh lockdown 1.0 a few months ago and they've so far watched one thing a couple of episodes of the crown and not for them right so i think that's

kind of scared them off all of them but i did say hey ezra carlson's got a new special uh coming out in a couple of weeks you should watch it and um and mom goes oh that's great so will you be on that i'm like why would I be on it? And she goes, because you said you did the podcast with her. I'm like, no, Ursula's Netflix special isn't her on our podcast going out onto Netflix. Great. I would have mentioned that to you. If the podcast was going to be on Netflix, that's what I'd be leading with.

I'd be saying the podcast is on Netflix. I wouldn't be saying Ursula Carlson has a Netflix special, which happens to be the podcast. I love the idea of them having a go at having a bit of a look at Ursula's special, given if the crown isn't for a pair of 70-year-olds, how is Ursula coming out doing a bit of G'day Cunts straight away? How is that going to be for them? That would be great.

Yeah. Well, yeah, we need to go. Maybe I'll check back in on this next week because that would be a fascinating result. If it's too rude for your wife but it passes the test of my parents, that's going to be fascinating. If your parents are like, this is our shit, rather than The Crown, that's showing a whole new light on your parents for me. I'd be very intrigued in that. Totally.

If they're like, yeah, she plays it a bit safe, to be honest. It's a bit like watching Sesame Street. She probably could have let rip a bit more. Yeah, yeah. If they've gone, oh, finally, because The Crown, Elizabeth didn't say the C-bomb once, and that's what I was looking for out of it. That's what I look for in entertainment. If they've gone, oh, finally, because The Crown, you know, Elizabeth didn't say the C-bomb once. And that's what I was looking for out of it. You know, that's what I look for in entertainment.

Yeah, that's a game changer for the all-sops. Well, yeah, I mean, their problem with The Crown is that, to quote them, it looks too much like a TV show. So I don't, I mean, a stand-up special, I don't know that that's really a – that's not a critique that you can really fairly level at a stand-up special. So maybe Ursula will pass their test. Unless she's bursting into someone's apartment and yelling out Serenity now, I don't think they can have the same issue. I would love to know what defines a TV show and also what's bad about a TV show. What does that mean?

Yeah. And why is it? Well, it's also you've turned on the TV. You've put this on to watch a TV show. So why is it an issue that it looks like a TV show? You didn't do this by accident. It's not like eating a cake and going, this tastes like a pizza. That's wrong.

Them going into the cinema going, oh, it looked a bit too much like a movie for me. Okay. No, fair enough. No, you've nailed that. That's guilty. Guilty as charged. Yep. Yep.

They're fucked. We should also mention, yeah, this Saturday, if you are listening to this hot off the presses, Saturday, July the 18th, we are doing a live, another live Zoom show, 8.30pm Melbourne time. It's $10. We did one of these a couple of months ago. It was heaps of fun, heaps of great guests. And yeah, we're going to be doing it all over again.

The last one we did was so much fun, so much good feedback on it. So yeah, looking forward to doing this one. It was genuinely a ball. It was an absolute pleasure to do the last one we did was so much fun so much good feedback on it so yeah looking forward to doing this it was genuinely a ball it was an absolute pleasure to do the last one it's a shame that we didn't do it properly live just to hear the last we didn't hear the last it's like fuck that would have been a good sounding show to hear the last off that was a genuinely very funny show so um and this one um is going to be a vaguely kosamui-themed one because, of course, we're feeling bad that we're... You know, this is the first winter that I've not spent somewhat in Thailand for nearly 10 years.

So this is particularly... You know, this is lifeline for me, basically. So that's going to be a nice little conceit, little vague theme throughout the show. And we've got some cracking little guests confirmed and some nice little conceit, little vague theme throughout the show. And we've got some cracking little guests confirmed and some nice little ideas brewing. So, yeah. And of course, like we said,

this is the only way you can see it. You've got to chuck it to ten bucks. You get on Zoom and watch it. Especially if you're in Melbourne, you've got no excuse not to tune in and watch this because there's fucking absolutely nothing else to do except for other shit TV shows. And, of course, they look too much like television shows for my liking.

So if you want to see something that looks like a Zoom show... Yeah, you heard it here first, folks. Yeah, if you were thinking about watching The Crown on Saturday night, then give it a fucking miss and watch this instead. It's already selling very well, and I've got a bit of a feeling we're probably going to see a bit of a spike in sales from New South Wales before we get to the World Cup. So I'm looking forward

to seeing that come through. And if you want to watch something that absolutely does not look like a TV show, something that barely looks like something that Channel 31 would fucking reject, then absolutely get into our Zoom show. Totally.

It's going to be a fucking ball. Yeah, I think my parents are going to tune in, so I'll be keen to hear their response, whether or not it looks anything like the crown. You absolutely get that going. Get a direct line to your parents and get a bit of live review. Get a chat line going just for them. Get them to text in their favourite bits as they happen.

Maybe they can sort of reserve, maybe they can reserve five favourite bits throughout the show. So it's a bit of a game for them. When there's like, you know, 10 minutes in, they can go, yep,

yep, that was a funny bit when Tommy said this. And then, you know, they've sort of got to ration out their top five favourite bits throughout the show. They can't go too early on them. God, that's going to be brutal when we're an hour and ten minutes in

and still the text line is knocked on off once. Boy, they really don't want to blow their load. They're wanting to save. They're wanting to put all five into one big laugh out loud moment at the end. Yeah, we love the credits. Yeah, thanks, boys. Yeah, that'll be fun. That'll be good.

Yeah, absolutely. Melbourne, Yeah, that'll be fun. That'll be good. Yeah, absolutely. Melbourne, no excuse. They're getting into that. Sydney, probably no excuse. Perth, you know, you guys are probably out and about, but there's still fucking probably nothing to do over there. It's still a good chance to sit inside. On top of that, of course.

Well, but it's earlier in the afternoon there. It's 5.30 in the afternoon, so the afternoon. So you're not out and about. Yeah, you know, pre-drinks. Have a couple of, you know, gather around the living room TV, have a few pre-drinks before you head out. Yeah, correct. Of course, we've got a whole heap of merch available as well in the little merch shop.

The hoodies are bubbling along nicely. RE sales. They are filling up my daughter's room so any purchase is absolutely appreciated uh it gives her more room to play and learn and um not be and not have her growth hampered um you know she's she hasn't grown for a couple of months now because of all the boxes of stuff in there because there's simply no room to grow. So if you could buy a few hoodies, she might be able to grow an inch or two at some stage. So yeah,

literally give so they may grow. Literally. Yeah, we want your daughter to grow into a tall basketball player. We want her to be able to... We want her to be a kind of star athlete who's like putting

you in a nice house when you're older. That kind of thing. I mean, I've never, we always call her, we always call her Blanket. I mean, that's only because I've never wanted to give away her real name, Shaquille. Shaquille Chandler. So yes, we do. I do want her to become a basketballer. So get into that.

Literally buy merch so that she can slam dunk. Yep. Excellent. It's a shame you didn't go with Magic Chandler. That's merch so that she can slam dunk. Yep. Excellent. It's a shame you didn't go with Magic Chandler. That's got a real nice ring to it. Well, Magic is, of course, Magic Johnson's nickname. So I can still give her that name. I can still give her that nickname.

Ah, yeah. Yeah. That's, yeah. So perfect. Shaquille Magic Chandler. Child magic. Blanket and magic. Yeah, yeah.

That's good. Magic Chandler. Fuck child magic. Blanket and magic. Yeah, yeah. That's good. Magic Chandler. Fuck, what a name. That's great. Maybe I might just give that to myself. Maybe, you know, like you gave yourself Daslow as a name. I can give myself a nickname, Magic Chandler. Yeah, because you've got comedy as your middle name.

Yeah, that's so funny be like oh why is your name magic chandler um what because you're good at basketball no i have aids okay all right cool yeah yeah that'd be but just saying that all written down too like because you know like people's nicknames are often like they'll put it in the you know when the names are written out they'll put it in the middle and know, when the name's written out, they'll put it in the middle. And then like in quotation marks, they'll be the nickname. So your full name written down would be Carl Comedy Magic Chandler. Carl Magic Comedy Chandler is way better.

Magic Comedy. Fucking hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Yeah. Very good. Housekeeping. Now, we're doing this over Zoom.

So it's a, you know, we can speed this up a little bit this week just because, um, also my baby is due home from being looked after by, um, she's, she's outside with, uh,

my, my wife at the moment. So, uh, she's going to come in soon and, uh, make a hell of a racket. So,

uh, um, yeah, I think we should maybe get straight into the unplanned title alternator and, uh, thanking everyone who pitches on into patreon.com slash little dumb, dumb club every week that keeps the lights on in dumb, dumb HQ.

Um, speaking of dumb, dumb HQ, of course, just repeating the news of, uh, last week, we do have a post office box.

So if you've ever wanted to, you know, send something into a lock bag in crow's nest or anything like that, the Dum Dum HQ, literally the mail correspondent address is P.O. Box 6063. Of course, that's 6-0 meaning 60. 6 plus 3 is 9. So it's, in a way, P.O. Box 69. But in another way, 6063. PO Box 69, but in another way, 6063.

6063, Hawthorne West, 3122. So, yeah, we'll put that – we should put that on our website, actually, just so everyone remembers exactly. But if you ever want to send stuff to us, and especially, you know, I get a lot of texts. Well, you know what? Next time you ever thought of a text, instead of texting me at 3 a.m. when you're off your fucking guts on mushrooms, sit yourself down at your desk and get at your quill

and write me a little letter instead of that. Instead of waking me up in the middle of the night, just, you know, get the feather out and write a little thing that says, hey, got him, and then send that to me. That would be much appreciated. Well, and also, if you're old enough to kind of miss the old way that you would write into media back in the day, feel free to, you know, slip a VHS tape of your granny falling off the bus

into a padded envelope and send that into us. If we could just have a funniest video segment on the podcast that's us describing funny videotapes that people have sent to us. I mean, I can't think of any better future direction for the podcast, to be quite honest. What about this? What about this? If they go, you know, they've got one foot in each bit where they go. Instead of like texting me or even hitting us up on the social,

sometimes we'll get links sent to us. They just write out the link and then put that in a letter and send it to us. Just manually write out a fucking 170-character link and just go, check it out, see what you think about this. Yeah, and then we've got to manually enter it in, probably get bits of it wrong along the way and have to do it again and again and again. Yeah, so this is a bit less,

it's a bit less crow's nest and a bit more cunt's nest, I think, is the way we should brand our PO box. Fucked bag, cunt's nest. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, great. Now, of course, thank you.

Thank you to all the Patreon subscribers, both present, past and future, especially present ones. I don't want to give too much thanks to future ones because, you know, they can get it when they get it. So at the moment we'll, like I said, we're on Zoom. It's not ideal, but we're being very safe about things. But it is slightly harder, isn't it? It's slightly less fun.

So, look, just because of that, I vote very selfishly to keep the numbers to maybe single figures today in terms of how many people we're thanking, with your permission, Tommy. Yeah, I mean, I'm the same. I've got to get back to, I was just before we got on this call, I told you this before we started recording, I was assembling something from Ikea and it's currently half finished. So I'm keen to get back to that. Do you want to know, by the way, what it is that I've been building from Ikea?

No. I mean, yes. Oh, it's an unplanned title alternator. Oh! I went and got one. I went and got a flat pack. I went and got a flat pack undenplanden title alternator from Ikea. Wow. And so it's a wooden one. Is're building a wooden unplanned title, isn't it? Yeah, it's a wooden one.

Yeah, I think it's... I mean, I don't know. I'm not going to know until I do a bit more of it, but I think they've fucked me because there's no Allen key in the bag. So at the moment, the way I've got it assembled, it's only able to spit out five names at a time, which, as you know, is just not up to scratch.

But you're following a list of instructions though, right, aren't you? Yeah. So that would make it a planned title alternator then? Well, no, but it's an unplanned title. I guess the thing itself is planned. Like I'm planning how to make it. It's given me plans for how to make it. It's a planned, unplanned title.

Right, right, right. That makes sense. Okay. Yep. Right, right. Okay. Glad we got to the bottom of that. It's not an accident where like I'm trying to build a bed and then I get to the end of it and it's actually an unplanned title ultimately.

Right, right, right. That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense now. I'm glad we've... Well, you knew. I didn't. I'm glad it's been figured out for me. All right, let's crack in. Well, whilst we're waiting for you to put that together,

and I can't wait to deal with some wooden technology in the future because that'll make things a lot more smoother, I'm sure. I guess we're stuck with your damn computer this week. So let's crack in. Thank you very much. First cap off the rank this week. Thank let's crack in. Thank you very much. First cap off the rank this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Vanessa Bosank. Bosank.

B-O-S-A-N-Q-U-E-T. Bosank. Bosank. What do you think? Bosank. I mean, that actually does sound like something you'd buy at Ikea. Funnily enough. Well, I don't know if there's too many QUs in the Swedish language.

I'm not sure. I don't think you see too much of that. I think you'd be way more likely to get a K in there than a Q, than a QU. That's true. Okay, replace that with a K. Replace the QU with a K, and then we're talking a nice little bedside table arrangement is what I'm picturing when I hear that name in Swedish. Instead of Boson K, I'd be more spelling it a Bussin Kvit with K-W-I-T.

Bussin Kvit. Bussin Kvit. That's IKEA. I'm IKEA-ing Vanessa's name right there. Vanessa Bussinquist. All right, let's do that to all of these. Let's do that to all of these that come through. Let's turn their last name into an Ikea-ized version

and then work out what type of furniture they would be. All right, so I think, well, Vanessa would be, I think, what, V-O-N-N-I-S-A. Is that close enough, do you think? Vonissa. Oh, maybe you. Yeah, maybe you. You's better. Von.

Vonissa. Vonissa. Vonissa. Yeah, okay. All right. The. Vonissa. I'm thinking that's something kitchen-based,

something kitchen-related. Right. Okay. Yeah. Wasenquid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking that's like a rail that holds up your tea towels or something. Yeah. Okay.

Just the rail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a flat pack with just a pole in it. Yeah. In two parts and you just stick it together yeah yeah a two-piece two-piece piece of wood yeah like a like a like a billiard cue you know when people bring along billiard cues and you go that's just a stick in two parts that's just two sticks that's that's what that's what the busting creed is i've that's one of those things

though that you could tell me that like i've seen that in a lot of movies but i've never seen or heard of it happening in real life even even the small glimpses that i've seen of professional pool i've never been aware of someone in the real world having their own pool oh really they put together yeah've seen it. And funnily enough, it's never someone who is good at pool. Like, it's certainly not someone who looks like they should be in the movie The Colour of Money or The Hustler or anything like that. It's some fucking fat darrow with a packet of burger rings in one hand and a fucking box with two bits of stick in the other hand.

It's always some fucking dork that's trying to look cool. But yeah, I've never seen someone good at pull that off. You know what I'd like to do it for? I'd love to own my own bowling ball. I love the, I go bowling once every maybe like three years. And have it in two parts. That would be good. Have two parts of a bowling ball.

Yeah, that would be really cool. Just like screwing it together. But I like having a nice leather bag for it. I just like the idea of turning up to the alley with your little handbag, your own ball. You've got something nice monogrammed on it. Even though I don't go bowling all that often, just that would be not putting your fingers into some disgusting thing

that everyone's been using is enough of an appeal. What if you had your bowling ball and it was actually just like a white bowling ball or, you know, like a tan bowling ball and it had your face on it so every time you went out, you were just bowling your own head down the gutter? That would be awesome. Yeah. If you went along with your personalised one your own head down the gutter. That would be awesome. Yeah. If you went along with your personalised one. Or you take it that one step further.

Yeah, yeah, just your personalised head. So it's like this weird version of the movie Seven, where instead of Gwyneth Paltrow's head in a box, you've got your own head in a bag that you're carrying around all the time that's cut in half that you're assembling and then literally just throwing away from yourself. That's the most disturbing bit. And the two bits, the bits in the middle in the half,

you've gone to the effort of painting a cross-section of the inside of your own head. So the top bit is you screw it in. You see a bit of brain painted on the underside. I like the idea of you take it one step further. So you come in with your own bowling ball that's got your head on it, but you've also got a second bag that's got a set of

pins that have got people you don't like painted on them. So you're going up to the alley when you go to strike bowling and going, hey, I'm just going to use my own ball if that's okay. And also, if it's not too much hassle, I'm happy to pay a bit more. If you could just go chuck these down the end of the lane into the machine for me, I'd really appreciate it. I to use my own ball if that's okay. And also, if it's not too much hassle, I'm happy to pay a bit more. If you could just go chuck these down the end of the lane into the machine for me,

I'd really appreciate it. I've brought my own shoes and ball and pins. Yeah, yeah. And pins. Yeah, that's great. That's great. And if, like you said, if you've got the side section of your own brain, so when you're putting the ball together, to somehow just in case your opponents get

a glimpse of like the side section of each part of the ball you've got like this little map of your own brain in there and like you've got like one percent of the brain has got like a little stick coming out of it saying um you know breathing eating, food, basics, whatever. And then 99% of the brain is just marked as getting a fucking strike. Just to absolutely psych out everyone. Psychological. I like it. Man, we've got this bowling fucking absolutely sorted out, apart from us having no ability to actually do it.

But the look of it, this is absolutely the best thing I've ever heard in 10-pin bowling. Aesthetically, this could really shake it up. And, you know, bowling is one of those things that on the other side of COVID-19 is going to need a shaker. No one's using the communal ball. No one's going to feel comfortable using the communal balls at the end of this. So if you're like a bowling ball manufacturer, you've got dollar signs in your eyes at the moment.

You're thinking every cunt is going to be BYO ball at the end of COVID-19. BYO pins as well, now that you've come up with that. Absolutely. Yeah. I like it. What if you did that? All right, thanks, Vanessa. Well, I would love to do that if you come in and if you could.

I mean, there's not a big call for fancy dress 10-pin bowling, but a great thing to do if you did it that way is to come in and if you could, I mean, there's not a big call for fancy, fancy dress, um, 10 pin bowling, but a great thing to do if you did it that way is to come in and have, yeah, your enemies as the, um, as the, as the pins, but then you come in dressed as the grim Reaper. So then you're sort of reenacting that ad of the eighties. So basically when you're bowling the ball down at your enemies down at the end of the pit, you're sort of trying to give them aids in a way. That would... No, that's even better. So it's you coming in as the Grim Reaper

and then you open your bowling ball bag and it's just a big ball that's got aids written on it. Even better if you've forgotten the Grim Reaper costume. People are like, what the fuck's the matter with you? Don't have the pins. Don't have the costume. Just a big ball that says AIDS on the side of it. Just a big magic fan.

What can I say? Yeah. Also, when it goes through the machine and someone tries to come and get the ball and you go, ah, I think you'll find that's my AIDS ball, actually. Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. I haven't brought in a ball that says AIDS on the side of it today you're right that's yours uh thanks vanessa yeah just gonna put your fingers in unprotected are you that's how you get it yeah don't share needles or bowling balls um thanks vanessa busting feet well there's a lot we poured into that um oh boy wow i don't know if we can

keep up this this pace I'll be quite honest. All right. Let's crack into number two. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ben Madden. Yeah. One of the... Ben Madden. Yeah.

One of the absolutely lesser known Madden Brothers from, what's the band called again? Good Charlotte? Good Charlotte. Yeah, that's it. Are they called Good Charlotte anymore? They're literally called the Madden Brothers now, aren't they? Are they? You mean as a band? Yeah aren't they? Are they? You mean as a band? Yeah.

Did they change their name? I think so. Really? I'm going to look this up. Yeah. I don't remember hearing about that on the Good Charlotte fan forum. Yeah, I know. Well, you know why?

Because you're on the Good Charlotte fan forum. You're not on the Madden Brothers fan forum. That's why. That's true. I don't know why. I mean, they could have. Why would you do that when Good Charlotte was just them anyway, wasn't it? It doesn't say anything about this on their Wikipedia.

The Madden Brothers are an American pop rock duo made up of twin brothers, Joel Madden and Benji Madden, both of whom are founding members of the rock band Good Charlotte. Twin brothers formed the Madden Brothers officially in 2014 as a side project separate from Good Charlotte. So there you go. Yeah. Ah, okay.

Yeah. Yeah. So Good Charlotte still exists, but yeah, there's like three, there's three other dudes in Good Charlotte, so that's just them doing their own thing. Right, that's them. But that is weird to feel like you can't just do your own. I mean, I guess there's three other guys.

I guess they could be outvoted. You know, if they want to do stuff in the band, that's probably how it started. They were just like constantly being voted against by the other three guys. Maybe they were like, maybe those two came to, you know, they were in a Good Charlotte band meeting and they were like, we're thinking about doing something radically different from Good Charlotte. We're thinking about doing some good songs.

And they're like, I don't think that's very Good Charlotte. So then they had to start the Madden Brothers to sort of not rock the boat too much. Yeah, yeah. What was the big Good Charlotte song? What was the big, like, breakout? I'm trying to remember. There was one that I liked when I was in high school that was, like, their first, like,

their really big popular one. Yeah, it was after my time of giving a shit about that sort of music. So, unfortunately, I'm... Ah, here we go. Yeah, 2002, Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All that kind of shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I was in year 10 at the time, so that's right in the switch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, it's weird because Madden – so they're twin brothers or whatever it is. Are they twins? They're twins, aren't they? Yeah. Very weird because – I believe They're twins, aren't they? Yeah. Very weird because in AFL football,

there was famous Madden brothers in the 80s as well. There was Justin Madden who played for Essendon and Carlton and Simon Madden who played for Essendon. So weird that there was – it was weird to a lot of Australians, I think, a certain vintage that there was two sets of famous Madden brothers. I don't think I've ever heard the surname Madden outside of brothers. I don't think I've ever heard of a single Madden. A single Madden.

I've only ever heard of double Maddens. Well, there's the Madden NFL series of video games. Oh, yeah. So like the NFL equivalent of FIFA or NBA 2K or whatever. Yeah. Which, I'm just looking it up now. Is it, I guess Madden was like an old player or something? Yeah, he was a commentator.

He was very famously a commentator for the NFL. Oh, a commentator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is pretty brutal. I think that's kind of funny when you go, like, that was the flagship video game for the NFL for years, and it's, like, named after a commentator. Like, there's not even, like, a popular enough player that you can,

like, base. There's no Jordan that you can go, yeah, Jordan basketball. It's, like, Madden football. Fuck. Don't you like watching it rather than listening to it? It is strange, especially when all the other sports that have video games, like FIFA and the basketball games are just called NBA, 2K, then whatever year it is. There's no need for them to have it.

Just call it NFL the video game. Why are you calling it after some crusty old cunt from a million years ago? It's just so funny that, like, somewhere in there at headquarters, they're like, no, this is the name of the brand until the end of time. I would love it if AFL had done that

and brought out, you know, Peter Landy football, 1987, or whatever. Like, just pick some fuck commentator. Oh, yeah, yeah. I think that... Yeah, yeah. Committee 98. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Perfect. Yeah, yeah. Would love that. That would be fucking sick. That actually would rule. That actually would really rule. Those four Madden brothers, do you reckon... Because the Good Charlotte are really popular here

and they've toured here a lot. Do you reckon the four Maddens have ever gotten together and chopped it up? Just imagine someone reaching out and trying to make that happen. Like, we've got to get these four boys into a room together. I'm sure there would have been some ad agency or something would have tried to pitch that somewhere along the line. Like, you will make this happen and they'll all be eating Hungry Jacks and it'll be like the four Maddens eating a Whopper. You know what that would have been to pitch that somewhere along the line to like a, you will make this happen and they'll all be eating Hungry Jacks and it'll be like the four Maddens eating a Whopper. You know what that would have been great for?

I don't know if you were too young or you ever watched The Late Show, you know, back in the day with Tony Martin and Mick Malloy and all the rest of them. And they had like a segment towards the end of the show where they'd go, all right, we've got a showstopper. Like Tony Martin would say, we've got a showstopper. um tony marnard so we've got a showstopper we've got um here we go we've we've got some we've got a massive artist this week we've got um oh fuck i can't even think of an example like um you know

we've got james brown closing the show we've got james brown with i feel good and then they'd go and then mick would go oh sorry i thought you said jonathan brown and then the brisbane full forwarded come out and sing I Feel Good. It would be like that. Nice. They'd accidentally mix it up everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. You'd go Good Charlotte with the Madden Brothers,

and then they'd bring out, if you had it today, you'd bring out Justin and Simon Madden to sing Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. That would be awesome. That's not bad at all. That's not bad at all. Two 60-year-old ruckmen coming out and singing that. That would be great but the idea the idea that it happens like back in the day where the madden brothers doesn't

exist as a side project yet it's just good charlotte are really popular so you're having to set it up by going here they are good charlotte and let's not forget they're fronted by two guys who have the last name madden who are also brothers. Just having to give deep backstory for the joke to work in the set-up. Yeah, you've got to be very careful with that intro, that's for sure. That's Tony saying to Mick, and I asked you about getting the Madden brothers from Good Charlotte this week, so I'm really stoked to see the Madden brothers from Good Charlotte this week. Oh, I got you the Madden brothers, don't worry.

I got you the Madden brothers. All right. You've got to word that in a certain way. Just telegraph from a mile away. Yeah, that's it. That's it. I think Madden kind of already could be IKEA furniture. I don't think we need to do all that much to it.

I think at the very least, I think you need to go, you need to spell it, get rid of the E and put an O on the end or something. Madon. Maybe M-A-D-O-N. Even M-A-D-O-N-N, maybe. Madon. Yeah. I'm picturing like a little foot race.

I was thinking that too. I was thinking that too. Ah, cool. Okay. Yeah. I was thinking of even calling something that Dave O'Neill would say. I wonder if that exists as a round in pub trivia. I'll read out the – these are real-life IKEA items.

I'll read them out and then you have to write down like what. Because, you know, like Pub Trivia now, they're always looking for things that you can't just like easily Google because they just assume that everyone's going to be cheating. Yeah. So like me reading out this name and then what do you think it is? That's a great idea. Yes, I agree.

That's a great idea. Well, anyway, Nick Maudon, that's what you are, foot rest. Thanks, Maudon. Thanks, Maudon. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Rachel Davey. Rachel Davey. Yeah. Davey. Yeah.

So I think you'd go Dove. Doveye? D-A-R-V-E. Doveye. Yeah, yeah, I'm on that. Dove, Doveye. Yeah. D-O-R. How did you have it. D-O-R...

How did you have it? D-O-R... I think I had D-A-R-V-E. Yeah, yeah, I can live with that. You know what? She's already got a weird spelling of her first name. Rachel. R-A-C-H-E-L-L.

That's it. Whoa. Okay, yeah. She's gone... It's self-IKEA'd. Yeah, she's-E-L-L. That's it. Whoa. Okay. Yeah. She's gone. It's self Ikea. Yeah. She's going to be half assed Ikea there.

She's just like tinkered with it a little bit. Just sort of slightly fucked it. Slightly Ikea. Yeah. Just half in between Rachel and Rochelle. We're being very offensive to the Swedish. As we're doing this, I've just realised. Oh yeah, let's say this real word and then completely fuck it up and that's what your language sounds like.

What if we got your name and just dumbed it a bit? Yeah, yeah, that's Swedish. That's you. Spelled it wrong. That's what Swedish is like. I'm just trying to put myself into the mind of a dumb person right now and then spelling your name like that, and then I'm Abba, basically. That's how that works.

Yeah. What do you get? What kind of vibe do you get from the dove? I can't really. I'm just getting some sort of. Having a hard time placing what room in the house. I'm thinking definitely close to the bed. I can't really. I'm just getting some sort of. Having a hard time placing what room in the house. I'm thinking definitely close to the bed. Definitely.

Some sort of. Okay. Maybe a bedside. Maybe a bedside table or a lamp. Maybe. Maybe. Not a lamp. I won't say a lamp.

I'm thinking maybe even one of those like kind of. I don't know what you actually call them. Like a kind of. Well, I call them a dove. A dove is, I don't know what you actually call them, like a kind of. Well, I call them a dave. A dave is what I call them, whatever you're about to say. A dave, yeah. No, sorry, what normal people who can speak properly. Oh, right, right, one of the normies. In the correct, in one of the normal languages, yeah.

One of those things that it's like you sit at it and it's like a pretty low kind of bench with a mirror in front of it. So like you'd sit in front of it and do your makeup. Oh, yeah. Like a small, like a single kind of setting person kind of thing. Do you call it a dresser? Yeah, kind of a dresser, like a small dresser. Right.

A small, like the dove, I'm getting a kind of a small contact kind of vibe. You're feeling mirror themes within within it i can i can see that yeah yeah it's not like you know when you if you're looking for something specific at ikea you you know within within one kind of realm of product that you're looking for there'll be maybe five different options and the disparity in price between the cheapest and the most expensive will be, let's say, $800. This is like the bottom rung one. This is like the entry level.

There's definitely grander, more opulent little dresses, little mirror things. This is just a kind of like compact one. Maybe you don't have a lot of room. Maybe you don't have a lot of space. You still want to kind of like compact one. Maybe you don't have a lot of room. Maybe you don't have a lot of space. You know, you still want to kind of sit. You don't have a mirror readily available in your house for whatever reason.

Yeah. I went to Ikea a couple of weeks ago when things all opened up and everything was looking grand and everything. I went to Ikea just very quickly and I brought my little daughter blanket and I thought this will be good. We'll go to the food court,

and of course we get there, and the food court's, of course, closed. I'm like, oh, fuck. I thought it might have opened up. So we just went to sort of the cafe version, and then there's like a food court downstairs as well, and I tend to, I've talked about this, but I tend to sort of like do a fair bit of eating in one go now

and don't have anything for breakfast and basically don't eat for dinner. So I ate a lot at lunch and I ate a lot of different things. And so I'm bringing my daughter around and I'm just buying stuff from heaps of different places. And I'm just eating that stuff that day because I'm in a food court. I'm eating heaps of different just shitty stuff as well. And I just do it all on the quiet and I come home and, you know, my wife says, what did you have for lunch? And I'm like, a sandwich.

And that's it. And anyway, it comes to the later at night and she goes, what did you, you said you ate a sandwich. What did you really eat for lunch today? I'm like, what do you mean? I told you I ate a sandwich. She's like, cool. Well, how come when I changed blanket, all of her clothes were filled with chips?

Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did go to KFC and a few other places that sell chips and she's got assorted chips within her clothes now. But what?

So what? She was taking chips from you and stuffing them in her clothes? She was like, you know, whenever I was eating, she was like, I want some of that. And I'd be like, okay, here's a chip here and so she was just like dropping them and you know forgetting that she dropped them in inside her clothes and stuff like that and just fucking absolutely subconsciously sticking me out i wondered if it was that or whether she was um or whether she was uh oh you were using her as story oh right i've run out of pockets for all these chips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The last time I went to IKEA was about a week and a half ago,

and my car broke down in the car park while I was there buying some furniture, and I was like, Ah, fuck, and had to call the RACV to come and fix my car while I was stuck there in the car park. Really shitty about it, and car while I was stuck there in the car park. Really shitty about it. And then while I was waiting, the news came through about the press conference for that day, about the number of COVID cases in the state. And it was like some astronomical number.

Like, you know, it was like the first day where it was like some huge, huge number where it was like, oh, we're fucked. And so it went from me being like shitty about my car being broken down and being stuck in the parking lot to being like, no, I may as well soak this up. Probably not going to be allowed outside again for a little while. May as well just enjoy living it up in the IKEA car park. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I won't be allowed in the car park next week, so let's really stretch it out and soak up all the car park vibes. Yeah, the guy got there in like 15 minutes. I was like, what's the fucking rush, dude? I was like pretty happily hanging out in here. I got the radio on. You know, I'm having a good time. Yeah, that night I was at the pub until like 11.59

and that was you just in the car park just fucking sucking up the fumes as late as you can possibly do it. I did. I was like wondering whether that guy was going to if he was like I'm going to be a little while. I was like maybe I'll just run across the road to the pub. Just make

the most of being out. Because it's all going to change pretty soon. Great. Thanks Rachel. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Peter O'Hearn. Wow. O'Hearn. Wow.

O'Hearn? Yeah, that's a bit tricky. Turning an Irish name into an Ikea name. Well, there's no apostrophes in Ikea names. There's no apostrophe. Okay. Oh, so this guy does have an apostrophe. Yeah, O-post have an apostrophe.

Yeah, O-postrophe-hern. H-E-A-R-N. That'd have to be a... Well, yeah, take that out to start with. We're getting the apostrophe out. We're chucking a fucking umlaut on top of the O. Yeah, on top of the O. Yes, good call. Yeah.

And I was just... I really wish we did more of that in English. As much as it's like maybe makes it harder to learn or whatever, like having studied French and having to work out when you use all the funky little bits of shit that you put on top of other letters in other languages, it's just a bit of fun. It's just a good way of like mixing up the language and making sure that you get the

sound that you really want out of the letter. There's no room for error. Yeah. What about this? What about this? I don't think I've ever seen this, but I'm making this into an Uber IKEA name. I'm going double O, spelling O, turning this into double O, both of them with umlauts above the O, and then H-U-R-N.

Okay. Uhurn. And I don't even know how you pronounce that with two umlauts. I'm pretty sure that the umlaut just means that you're meant to say it as ooh anyway. No, it's double the U. So it's like an extra. So it's ooh. So it's like a. No, it's double the ooh. So you're saying it's like an extra. So it's ooh. So it's like a.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right. Right. Yeah, yeah. So. Okay. Now, what appliance or what part of the house lends itself to starting with ooh? Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. What's the most sexual thing you can buy in Ikea? Is there anything even vaguely sexual in Ikea? There's not really. Well, what are you asking? I mean, do you mean are they selling it for the purposes of sex or do you mean one could use it for sex? Because really, you know what I mean?

Like if that's the criteria, then the sky's the limit. You know, I got a whisk there the other day. Yeah. Could chuck that up my bunghole and do a bit of whisking up there. That would be good if you got the whisk in the kitchen department and it's called the striker, and then you take the same striker and then you just leave it in the bedroom department

and they go, oh, no, it's called an u-hern. If you're going to use it there, then it's an u-hern because you've got to let them know that that's to stick up your butt if you're having it in the bedroom. You're not using it on eggs in the bedroom. Using it on eggs, it's a struggle. So once it crosses the threshold into a different room, the name of it changes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, it's like... I quite like that. Yeah, it's like calling something a fanny in America. It's different to calling it a fanny in Australia. It's the same thing. It's different locations. I mean, sure, that's countries.

That's crossing oceans. But this is just, you know, crossing the, you know, going through a door, a bedroom door, and you're changing the name, I think. Yeah. I'm surprised that there's not a company that's kind of thought about doing this because there's a lot of things that have practical applications that are used around the house that are very phallic and very dildo-like.

So if you just mass-produced one of these items that's just that shape, and then you just – if IKEA, for example, just had one item that they've made that they're then selling in multiple different areas of the store. So it's like in the kitchen area you can buy it as a pestle for a mortar and pestle. But you can also buy it as a dildo in the bedroom part. Or it's a thing that you can put a brush on the end of and use it in your toilet.

Yeah, I think you've picked it. Maybe the pestle. maybe that's it. That's the, that's the most phallic thing. Yeah. That's the most phallic thing in Ikea that you can conceivably use as. The U-hern. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a, it's a ribbed, it's a ribbed pestle. Yeah. Without the mortar for some reason. You just, when you're buying that and go, you can keep the mortar actually. It's like, oh, okay. Okay. Well then you're buying an U-hern. Yeah the mortar actually it's like okay okay well then you're buying an uhurn yeah okay yeah all right

who hurt um thanks peter ohern who hurt um all right last one thanks pd last one let's um i really think my family is will be coming in any second now. Okay, one more. Fifth and final with my calculations. Yeah, five. Okay, well, let's try and keep this IKEA thing going. All right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber.

Oh, okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Meatball Comedy. Oh, is this me? What, comedy? Yeah, you do comedy. Yeah, I do comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I don't think it's you just because someone's name is comedy.

I mean, that's just a weird coincidence. Yeah, you're right. It is a very, very weird coincidence. It's very strange stuff. That's the sort of thing that can happen with mechanical features in something. When we get a wooden unplanned title alternate, I'm sure it'll be on the straight and narrow. But until then, all sorts of weird and freaky stuff can happen with computers.

Oh, well, thanks, Meatball Comedy. Yeah. How much do they put in? 69 Swedish dollars. Is that a thing? Right. They are very cheap. They are very, very cheap. Yeah.

Very comedy. Well, thanks, Meatball. Thanks, everyone who supports the show on Patreon. Thank you very much for chipping in. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub is where you can find out how to do that. And, yeah, get a bonus episode every – two bonus episodes every week at the moment. So get onto that. Also, yeah, LittleDumbDumbClub.com if you are listening to this hot off the presses.

Join us on Zoom this Saturday night. It's going to be a ton of fun. I agree. Get into the merch. All that sort of heaps of bullshit. We're adding a lot of older episodes to our website. So if you're not one of those people that sort of just grabs off randomly off your podcast app or whatever, we've got little photos of all of the episodes and all the ones that we're adding in,

so you can have sort of a look back and see what grabs your fancy, what grabs your eye, and just see some pictures of us from fucking eight and nine years ago, basically. It's been a very weird process putting all them up. Yeah. Very, very weird. Yeah.

So, yeah, go and have a bit of a gander. Of course, all of our merch and all sorts of bullshits attached to that site. So go and have a good look. Of course, get on all the socials. We're on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Having fun every day on that shit if you want to come and join in. Oh, yeah. Yeah, check all that stuff out, guys.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. stuff out, guys. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.