The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 513 - Tom Ballard & Nick Capper

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

We're about to head into lockdown again so we've roped in TOM BALLARD and NICK CAPPER for an emergency riffing session! We speculate on the real reason behind Victoria's latest outbreak before hearing about some of Capper's previous employment before starting comedy, and his shocking first encounter with a young Tom Ballard. PLUS Karl's been for a run (don't worry, it's not like the last times) and we get our first taste of Tommy's spicy retooling of his dad's memoir "Having Said That". Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard and Nick Capper. This is a little time capsule episode recorded about three or so weeks ago on the cusp of lockdown coming back in in Melbourne. Speaking of which, you still have a brief chance to get a Little Dum Dum Club branded face mask before they are all sold out. They're racing off the shelves. Correct, Tommy. Not many left, a couple dozen left as we are recording this, so get in very quick. Along with all the merch, you'll hear more about this at the back in Talking Dumb Dumb at the end of the episode.

Yes, but enjoy this episode with Tom Ballard and Nick Capper. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Nick Capa. Hello. No.

G'day, dickhead. I'm a dickhead. No. It's me, Carl Chandler. I'm here. I'm here, everyone. Don't fret. Everyone else is a dickhead. Don't fret. Donler I'm here I'm here everyone Don't fret Everyone else is a dickhead Don't fret

Don't fret A shit wall of jog That's pretty That's you And I'm Tommy And he's I guess Tom Bellard Yay

I didn't hear it Yeah thanks Tom I really appreciate it No worries man That's the ex-housemate code That you've got to stand up for Well once again This is being recorded way back in time

and things are being shut down and when everything goes to shit, we get Tom Ballard in just before everything shuts down. This is an emergency session, just like the one we did two months ago where we had a good time, but we thought thank God we'll never have to do that again. Yes. So yeah, everything goes into lockdown

in Victoria. Midnight tonight as we're recording this, and this is a specially hastily assembled emergency session of Little Dum Dum Club. Really? Yeah. You guys rang me and said you've been thinking about this. You've been curating this for weeks. Well, this ties into I had some big breaking news. I've only got a text at 12.01am.

This ties into some big breaking news that I have on the pod that I haven't revealed yet. I've got a new job. I've been working in security for the last month. Okay. Yeah. Go on. It's been quite a romantic time for me, let me tell you.

What have you been securing? Very beautiful young lady in the Ridges Hotel. Can't speak highly enough of it. Deep into the Ridge. Yeah, deep into the Ridge. Bit of local for everyone listening to Victoria. That is a bit of local. The joke is if you're from out of, not in Melbourne,

a hotel security man rooted a woman and now we're all going to die. That literally is. They should have got the army to do that. Oh, yeah, they've never done anything fucked to anyone. They've never rooted anybody. Yeah, they would have just shot her in the pussy. It would have been fine. They've never rooted anybody in their timeline. Yeah, I would have just shot her in the pussy.

It would have been fine. Yeah, so that literally is what's happened, right? Like, we had a new outbreak in Victoria, and it all stems back to this person that was in charge of guarding a returned traveller. God is fuck on, and now here we are. I hope they got, like, two in, because otherwise it's not worth it.

You know what I mean? I hope either of them lasted. If we're all going to be locked down for this, we need the details. We honestly need this guy to be named and shamed. We need to see what the person in question looks like so that we can, you know, look, some of us red-blooded males would look at it and go, worth it, absolutely worth it. You've got to give it up for a brother going out and

getting his needs met. There's no use in seeing, oh, six. Oh, come on, guys. Why are we locked in? Why are we locked in for another month and a half? That's great. The headline on the Herald Sun, six weeks for a six. No, no, no.

They make it smaller font and they go, we're stuck in for six weeks because of sex with a six. We used to work in newspapers, I can tell. I'm sure there's an editor somewhere who's got all of these just ready to deploy if the information gets leaked about the horny security guard. I don't want to be a parody of myself, but was there anal involved?

These are the questions that we need to ask. That is a good question. You know what I mean? Once you're in there and you've taken that risk, I reckon you're just going all out. You'd go on the whole smorgasbord, surely. It'd be great if they were like, we used a condom, we were safe. It's important to look after your health.

A bit embarrassed. It only lasted about five seconds. I thought, how am I going to catch it in such short of a time frame? We didn't touch each other's faces. You can't ruin the town without going to Brown. There we go. That's on the whiteboard. That's on the

whiteboard in it, Herald Sun HQ. Don't take our freedom. Let us be free. With riffs like this. You need to be out there entertaining the masses. It was so hard to tell, wasn't it? Because at least we were talking about this at a gig, Tommy, but the initial story, it was hard to tell whether it was true or not.

And we'd heard it from Tim Hewitt. Yeah, a comedian friend of ours who, yeah, not the most reputable source. Sure. And it's a story that he would make up or a character that he would create, would do or riff about. So it's very hard to tell the veracity of it, but it's a story that he would make up or a character that he would create or do or riff about. So it's very hard to tell the veracity of it,

but it does appear. Two days later, it's in the paper. It's in the newspaper. Somebody fucked, and now for six weeks we're going to lockdown. We need to get this guy on the pod. We need to get the horny security guy on the pod. I definitely think I would like to see both the people involved just to see what they're working with.

Maybe they're fans of this. Maybe he listens and he's just like, you know what? He gives us the exclusive tell-all interview. I'm even, you know, because I'm just as keen to see him. Because, like, if you're a lady stuck in isolation in some hotel and you're just seeing some dumb fuck security guy going, well, what else have I got to do? Eat the fucking cardboard that they've been giving us to wear. Totally. Yeah, fresh from carding 16-year-olds. dumb fuck security guy going, well, what else have I got to do?

Eat the fucking cardboard that they've been giving us to work for. Yeah, fresh from carting 16-year-olds. Fresh from carting 16-year-olds at chases to being put in charge of a biosecurity matter really makes a lot of sense. Nick, you'd have been employed. Dicked down by a security guard. Yeah. How much COVID have you had to drink? Nick, you would have been Dicked down by a security guard Yeah

How much COVID have you had to drink? Not in those coughs Alright, take it back, we should be locked out You should be in prison for such rifts It's good to be out with mates, I'm going to miss this Not in those coughs So the problem being that the security guards were underqualified and overstimulated.

Now, they weren't trained for what they were doing. Nick Cappy, you would have been severely underqualified for different jobs in the past, surely. Yes, yes. What's the most underqualified for a job you've ever been, do you think? Comedy. Oh, shit. think? Comedy. Slam dunk.

There we go. Last dance. Fuck. I'm sorry. God damn it, I'm going to be thinking about killing myself in Lockyard for the next six weeks. Well, we need to take the burden off the helpers. I want to go into the room with positive thoughts. Hey, I've been thinking about killing myself for years.

Yeah, man, do you know what? One of the jobs I've been really underqualified for is working at a paper folding factory. What? A paper folding factory? Yeah, I just had to look at the machine and make sure that, because it was for biscuit packages, to make sure the biscuit packages got folded. And so I realised...

You're underqualified for this. Man, I thought counting the cracks on the pavement sounded like, this is next level. They said that you just got to check that none of the packages get stuck. And I'm like, that's cool. And then I quickly realised that if you change the setting so it didn't fold the biscuit packages exactly right, but it did fold them good enough enough that it would never get stuck.

Are you like Mr Bean when he tampers with the controls on the amusement park ride? Sometimes I do think I am a living Mr Bean, except I can talk loosely. I was going to say, it sounds like your approach toward comedy, oh, you don't have to do it actually good, but if you do it this way, you don't get in that much trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's not as many mistakes. Change yeah yeah yeah um yeah so uh so what i did was i just drew pictures down the back um while supervising this machine uh and uh one of the managers came down one time he saw me drawing so you were drawing instead of having to check on anything

because you figured out a way of just going through sort of okay. You've hacked the machine. I've hacked the machine. It's doing a passable job. And you know what? None of us was hacked into the fucking Arnott's mainframe. But it was pretty cool.

Deep blue at Arnott's. Deep blue at Arnott's is fucking going haywire at this point. What's the password? I'll try Tim Tam 1 Oh that's good And yeah It was fine

But you know when you're bludging And then you want to look busy The manager came over And I was like Fuck it He's got me now I'll just carry on drawing Picture of you

Rooting a tiny teddy I just double down. Right, right. And he's like... To try and convince him maybe this is part of the job. Yeah. You doing cartoons about you sticking a mint slice up your ass. Yeah.

It was a real funny place because I don't know whether you guys have worked in a real depressing factory. None of us have done anything close to what you've done. I have. I've worked in a factory. Look at these hands. What factory have you worked in? I worked in a factory depressing factory. None of us have done anything close to what you've done. I have. I've worked in a factory. Look at these hands. What a beautiful hand. I worked in a factory assembling boxes for a promotional thing for Carlton Draft

where they were sending out stuff for the cricket. It was like, if you buy a jug, you get this free inflatable cricket bat or whatever. So I had toassemble the boxes and then put all the like promotional stuff into the boxes for them to be shipped out to the pubs and it was fucking one of the worst weeks of my whole oh man it was this whole factory it was gray the uniforms were gray um but the best thing ever was that in the lunchroom they had a beach setting painted on the wall, like a mural, to say that, hey, it's all going to be okay. Yeah, that's grim.

It was so grim. And the only thing that got us through was it was in Brisbane and there was this lady, I think her name was Margaret or something, and she was in the Hellfire Club. Good on you for taking a punt. Not crucial information at all. And you're admitting that it's most likely wrong. Yeah.

It does sound like a very Hellfire Club member though. Margaret. Yeah, yeah. And then she would, everyone would always talk about how Margaret's in the Hellfire Club. So that's sort of like a bondage nightclub. Yeah, like a bondage group sex thing. And I so desperately wanted to know whether Margaret was in the Hellfire Club So that's sort of like a bondage nightclub. Yeah, like a bondage group sex thing.

And I so desperately wanted to know whether Margaret was in the Hellfire Club or whether it was just a rumor about Margaret. And then these young guys, like the boss's kids or something, came into work. And one of them just went over and asked her and said, are you in the Hellfire Club? And she's like, yes, I am in the Hellfire Club. These boys were like 16 or 18. And then... How old was she?

Oh, she was like in her 40s or something. Right. Yeah, and very experienced. And yeah, she... Well, I didn't know for sure, but you know what I mean. In the Hellfire Club, you've got to... Like, that's above your P's, you know what I mean? Like, you're on a...

You can drive a manual and a forklift. I've got my green. I can only be whipped by two people at a time. And then it was six. You'd always tell us heaps of stories about the Hellfire Club in Brisbane, which, I mean, look, I'm not going to pigeonhole, but it probably would have been quite grim. As grim as the factory.

Brisbane's got to be the gnarliest chapter of the Hellfire Club, for sure. I mean, Brisbane Hellfire Club, there's a lot of leather shorts, I guess, instead of full pants and cut-off sleeves. I've never heard of the Hellfire Club until this moment just now. There used to be a Hellfire Club in Melbourne, in like Bourke Street, I think. Yeah. You ever heard of it, Tom? Are you familiar with this?

Why would you assume that I know? I don't think so, no. I thought I was saying a bikey gang. Yeah, me too. Which I guess probably a lot of

crossover with the tyre. I heard it got taken over by the Park Ridge. What kind of stories would she tell you about being whipped

and stuff? Oh, she would go oh yeah, like you know, we're in a big group and we all get to know each other and then we just get down to it, you know, nothing too... I was like, I don't know, I feel a bit weird probing her all about this information. She looks like she likes it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Two people running through the same room. Yeah, yeah. The best thing ever, though, it was so grim, but there was this guy. By the way, I love the idea of her on a Saturday night being absolutely slammed by four blokes in leather and then waking up and going, oh, well, off to pack the shortbread creams together. I think that that was the best thing about it.

She's literally fudge packing. Yeah, that's great. After a long working day in the factory, just getting absolutely demolished by the cat and iron tails, it's been like, God, good darn wine, you know? Just to really take the stress off. Monday morning and then a bunch of 16-year-olds come in and go, so the boys you met on Saturday night, were they teddy bears

or were they tiny teddies? More of a Monte Carlo. Oh, right. Yeah, so she, that's amazing that it's like the what were they the sons of kids of someone yeah kids of someone at work there and it was real funny because uh there was this guy who was you could tell we just wanted to bring people together but everyone was just depressed at this factory and he he said, let's have a LAN party, like an online gaming party. He said, I've got five computers at my house.

We can go there, have a party. And I felt so sorry for this guy that I was like, yeah, why not? He was diabetic and he put like six sugars in his coffee at break time. Working at the biscuit factory as well. And all he did was talk about video games

and I loosely knew a little bit about video games. I reckon everyone in this story apart from Kappa is dead now. This is the best conversation, one of the best conversations I've ever heard was I bought my lunch to work once and everyone was so impressed that I didn't get it from the smoko van because i just i wanted to kill myself anytime i went to that smoko van like one time i saw a um a hot dog that was flat like it was totally flat you know like a hot dog it looked like a two-dimensional

it was a two-dimensional hot dog not just the, not just the wiener, but the bun as well. Yeah, everything was flat. So it's just been smushed. Yeah, right. And someone was eating a flat hot dog? It's like the little rollers that they keep the sausage on. The whole thing has just kind of gone through one of those. It's been steamrolled. The most depressing place.

Anyway, I... Did it get... Was it mailed to him? Is that why it was flat? Because they had to go through the mail slot? Yeah. I don't know how it happened. I just remember buying one, unwrapping the foil, and it was flat.

And everybody laughed at me. Surely you must have seen it coming from the shape of the foil, though. It can't have been that much of a shock. Bit of bubble wrap in there to fill it out. He'll never know. And I've got no bravery whatsoever So I didn't want to go back to the Smoko van person Because they were the

I'm pretty sure it was the roughest lady I'd ever met Like, you know what I mean Even if they were closed You could have returned it pretty easily Yeah, yeah Did you eat it? Yeah, I ate it, of course I ate that thing

I was like, I'll show you, hot dog. I'm going to enjoy this flat hot dog. Sounds like the person running the hot dog machine has the same approach to that as you have to the biscuit wrapping machine. Tweak the dial so it's just passable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't taste any different. Yeah, they were trying to fold it.

If we can fold this hot dog, we can store more of them here. We'll get more money. That's good. Man, actually, yeah, that was a good smoker van. But, yeah, and I was cooking. I reheated my dinner, and they were all just staring at me. And I was like 22 at the time, so I had no culinary skills whatsoever. So I'm pretty sure it was like chicken tonight.

And they were like, what did you do? And I said, I just added the chicken tonight sauce to the to the vegetables and the chicken they were like whoa this is sick when do you flatten it yeah yeah when do you flatten it yeah do you want us to step on it what happened are your shoes broken or so hang on this didn't come from a van this food has depth. This is insane. You're already done with your third measurement food. There's a one-eyed guy in the corner going, is there something different about this? I don't know.

You guys are all going crazy, but what's the story? Can you cater my land party? Shrove Tuesday absolutely goes off in this factory. They love it. Chicken tonight? That sounds like a suburb of China. Fucking hell. What does it mean?

What does it all mean? Yeah, so there was this other guy who goes, and he'd accidentally had kids to four different women or something. Accidentally? Yeah, somehow. That's not an accident. He had four kids under one roof with the current one or whatever, and we were talking about dinner or something.

He was working in security at a variety of different hotels. Yeah, yeah. And I said to him. It'd be great if he'd gotten her pregnant. Yeah. COVID baby her pregnant. Yeah. COVID baby. Oh. Oof.

And I was eating this lunch and then I said, yeah, it's good. I've actually got into cooking lately. I cooked last night with my girlfriend and, yeah, it was nice. You know, we always sit out the back and he's like, what, you don't have the TV on when you eat? And I'm like, yeah. He goes, that's quiet time for me. That's when everybody shuts the hell up.

What, when the TV's on? Yeah, he goes, turn the TV on. Kids are quiet. Eat dinner. That's the only time. I'm not going to appreciate the intellect of Ray Barone as it's meant to be fully consumed. And I was like, God, I've got to get out of here.

But then nobody rocked up to the lamb party except for me. Except for me and one other guy. Not Margaret. No, Margaret didn't rock up. Lamb parties, I think they're a bit dull for her. Yeah, she was off at the anal party. She was away getting all sorts. rock up. Land parties, I think they're a bit dull for her. Yeah, she was off at the anal party. Yeah. She was away getting all sorts.

There were more computers than there were people at the land party. Oh, my God. Great. You can really spread out. Play against yourself. And I just remember this poor guy because he was diabetic. He had all these lollies out, right? And I just remember him shoving those lolly pineapples into his face, just like a handful at a time of lolly pineapples

and then saying while he's chewing on them, well, this is fucked. This is an absolute disgrace. Speaking of the LAN party thing, I think I've talked about this on the show before, but when I was in year 12 and I was studying media and you have to make a short film for your final assessment. And so there had just recently been a story in the newspaper about a house in Frankston

where these guys had carved a big wooden penis out of a tree stump in their front yard. And then people had complained and the council made them cut it down. And I read that in the newspaper and just thought, that's really funny. For my year 12 media assessment, I'm going to make a documentary about this. I'm going to look these guys up. I'm going to interview them.

I'm going to interview the council. And I'm going to try and get the wooden penis put back up. So I hit up the guys who had it in their front yard and had to get my parents to drive me down on a weekend to interview them. So I'm still at school and go in and these guys were just, as you can imagine, it was just the most deadbeat house of guys.

Like go in there and it's this big share house. It's in Frankston. And you're some 15-year-old kid. Yeah, I'm like, I'm 17. So I'm just turning up and in their front living room, I remember they had honestly about 10, when we turned up, about 10 desktop computers set up, all of which were either watching or downloading pornography. And on a couple of screens, both.

And just like walking in, this is like 2004, so just like walking in and being like, this is the coolest house I've ever been. Like actually thinking like, if I can be half as cool as these guys when I'm in my mid-20s, I will have made it. And then you start to get closer to mid-20s and you go, that is so fucking depressing. That is so fucking lame.

But just like it was like a full-on, like you see like the operations rooms in movies where they're like in the CIA or whatever. Like it was this deep operation of we have to be getting as much pornography as quickly as possible. And then also just having it on just to check the abnormalities or anything like that. Computer, enhance. This was like midday on a Wednesday as well.

It's just so fucking brutal. So good, man. Things like that just, I don't know, when you walk away, you're like, man, imagine being an adult and just being able to do all the stuff you can. Like imagine just having unlimited options. Oh, just watching porno in the living room. How cool that would be. And then now it's like, no, I need to keep the living room.

I need to maintain the sanctity of the living room. This happens on the laptop, on the bed and nowhere else. I was never a fan of, I remember my mates when I went to college, they watched pornos together. Like they'd all watch pornos together and I'd be like, I can't do this. Like I can't have someone knowing that I'm aroused. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I do remember people, I can't have someone knowing that I'm aroused. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, it's... I do remember people... I remember that being on Big Brother one season where there was a guy talking about... You know how, like, you all sit around and watch pornos together and you all... Well, you watch Big Brother. Yeah.

Carl watched Big Brother up late. No, early on. The good years. The good years. Yeah. No, but they were talking about, like, you know... Remember that guy called Hot Dogs who was totally flat?

Sorry, go on. Unwrapped him in foil. There he was. They were talking about... I think that's like a common thing of like guys sitting around watching porn together, but then also they're jerking themselves off. Oh, what? Yeah.

Wow, that sounds terrible. I would hate that and that would be bad. I remember hearing about this. I'm like, I never got an invite to any of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a toned down night at the Hellfire Club. Yeah. That's what you do on a weekday or a Sunday.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you do in reception. Yeah. Should we watch a porno and jack off together? What is this, Ratatouille? That's pretty G-rated. I remember, yeah, speaking of, speaking of, I don't know, when you're an adult and you don't know what... Speaking of being an adult, here on the little dum-dum club.

Yeah, yeah. I remember it was at college once. I was staying in this student accommodation place. And then a mate goes, Hey, Kappa, I just got a heap of money from my parents or something do you just want to come out and get blind with me in the day like day drunk you know what i mean it's like let's go we'll get a carton of beers let's go to the strip clubs like i'll go to the cross it'll be sick and um and then i was like yeah cool, cool, man. This will be great, right?

So we're down like, I don't know, 10 beers or whatever of these like VB throwdowns. He's like, let's go to the cross. We go to the cross. It's like two in the afternoon, right? And I think this is my awakening. This is one of the first times I've ever been to a strip club. Can we just clarify what you mean by a heap of money? Oh, yeah.

Like you're drinking VBs and going to a strip club. I reckon he probably got around $60. Oh, yeah. Like you're drinking VBs. I reckon he probably got around $60. Yeah. Drink big. Good to know. That's great. Yeah, but this was 10 to 15 years ago. Nowadays, that would be like $90. I see, right.

That's great. Me calling you up and going, Tom, I've won Powerball. Do you want to come round and have a beer? I'm going all out. It's on me. The most depressing thing is it wasn't even a full carton of VBs. It was these little ones you could get, these throw downs.

Kind of like the step up from the ones you get on a pine. It was a full carton of those. So we could just carry them around the streets of Sydney while walking around. And he said, yeah, man, we'll go to the strip club. You know, my shout, whatever. And I was like, oh, cool. Never really been to a strip club before. This is going to be sick.

We went there at like 2 in the afternoon. And we just walk in. And they're just playing a porno. They're outsourced. They're just playing a porno. And then this lady comes and sees us. And she's like, alright, look, you can go upstairs

if you want or I can give you a handjob for like, you know, this much money. And we were like, oh, I don't, like,

I was just spooked out by the whole thing. Like, I was wearing, That's not a shit club, is it? That's a fuck club. Yeah. My whole clothing range

was from surf, dive and ski. Like, you know, like I had globe shoes on, you know what I mean? Like billabong. I'm pretty sure I had a motocross brand shirt on. So you're frantically trying to work out which of those three categories does a handjob fall under? Is it surf, dive or whatever?

It's kind of ski, I guess. And I remember my mate going, oh, can we just get a drink? Thanks. And then she's like, yeah, no worries. We've got a heap of drinks here. Oh, nice. And he's like, let's get some pre-mixed rum and Cokes, right? Comes back, and they're in brown paper bags.

She just went to the bottler across the street. Right. That's awesome. And unwrapped them. Thailand style. And we sat. And you know you're trying to be polite. Hey, a mate's taking me out. This is cool. That's awesome. And unwrapped them. Thailand style. And we sat, and you know, you know you're trying to be polite.

Hey, a mate's taking me out. This is cool. Whatever, whatever. It would be uncouth of me to turn down the hand job. And then I was like, we just sat there for about an hour and I just said to him,

man, can we go? And he's like, yeah, let's go get a tattoo. To remember this night. And then we went to a tattoo place and i just got going to prison the next day like why this this so he just got a random injection of money and then he's gone let's just go crazy let's go crazy yeah yeah but we you know i don't know i was i was 18 and a half or or whatever. I felt like I didn't know how to party back then. I was very uncomfortable with myself. I didn't know, you know, how to do any of that stuff,

how to have a wild night. You know what I mean? I was a very awkward kind of guy or whatever. So, yeah. Sorry. Did you get a tattoo? Yeah, I drew a tattoo for him. It was a playing card on fire.

Oh, no. And it was an ace of spades, and then there was a skull in the spade. Yes. Fuck. Yes. And that guy became the Joker. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's doing open mic now. Just, I mean, I'm sure that listeners have written down what we know about the Nick Capa chronology and how things lead to things.

Timeline is fascinating. So you went to university in Sydney. What did you study? Graphic design. Graphic design. Okay. Hence the drawing

of the card on fire and the skull. And then how do you go from that to working at the factory? That was his final presentation, by the way. How do you go from that to working at the factory? That was his final presentation, by the way. How do you go from that to working at the factory

with Margaret and the diabetic man? No, I just love that the guy with the tattoo, that's your folio. So when you're handing him your final thing, this guy has to come in and just hang out with your lecturer for like a week while he gets graded. I like that idea.

He hands that. That's his one thing in the folio. And it's the burning fucking playing card. It goes, there you go. How do I go at college? I go, cool, you got into this new school. We'll drop you off there. And it's the biscuit factory.

It's our new pathway program, yeah. Yeah, you can look at packaging all day. Get folded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, I worked there. And then I got a job as a graphic designer afterwards, but it was on very meagre pay. It was like $350 a week.

Yeah, it was terrible. You said the biscuit factory was in Brisbane? Yeah, I got fed up with the graphic design work, and my dad said, come back out to the farm, and you get $800 a week net, like just driving a tractor. From your dad? I worked on a farm my dad used to manage. Right, okay.

So I'd just sit on a tractor for 12 hours a day, and I'd listen to you sometimes on Triple J Ballet. It was great. An honour to be soundtracked. Yeah, yeah, and I'd listen to Dave Callen at night. I was a huge Dave Callen fan. Did you ever call in? Adam and Will.

No, I did call in. I did call in once Because they had What's your best Festival story And one time I drove back Fuck we've got

Another story now Great okay alright One time I drove Are we allowed to Hear this story Is this intellectual Property of Triple J Is this owned by the ABC

Is this now Dave Callen's story Or Just some absolute Classic Triple J Work there What's your best festival story? Do you feel like being on the phone?

Give us a call right now. You like festivals, right? You're always fucking banging on about them. Call in and tell us about you fingering someone. Is the producer getting paid less than Kappa was in his graphic design job? What's your best festival story? What's your best music?

Yeah, I thought it was going to be what's the flattest thing you've ever sang? graphic design job. You're the best best on the story. What's your best music? Yeah. I thought it was going to be what's the flattest thing you've ever seen. Get me on the horn. What's the biggest radio you've ever listened to? God, I wish we could

have people call into this. If we could just field calls now for the remainder of the show about people telling us about flat things that they've seen. You know you don't want that

because as soon as anyone talks to you on social media from this podcast you go, fuck from this podcast, you go, fuck this. No, but I'm saying in a world where we have someone screening the call,

it's not just open access. It's someone whose job it is to separate the wheat from the chaff who inevitably kills themselves after a week of having to talk to these people. You should get the people,

the crazy people who call to Triple J who don't go on air should be redirected to you. Yes. You can forward them through and you can talk to them people. You should get, the people, the crazy people who call it a triple J who don't go on air should be redirected to you. Yes. You can forward them through and you can talk to them fucking batshit crazy.

Yeah, it's like the off-cut meat becomes pet food. That's like us. We only want that though. Yes. The little neck meat podcast. The second tier. We're like the Hellfire Club

of media. What was your first little story? Oh, we drove back from... Wait, sorry, Tom, can you set it up? Set it, you know, Cap is called in,

you're on the air. Yeah, okay, that's Band of Horses. They're good, actually. Yeah, it's probably outdated reference. Triple J, Tom and Alex here.

We've got Nick Caffer on the line. Where's Alex? He's gone to the bathroom. He's shitting out of his butt. Coming up soon, your chance to win some of Alex's shit. Nick, we've got Nick on the line. Nick, we're talking about your best festival stories.

Hey, Nick. Yeah, I went to Splendour in the Grass. Proudly supported by Triple J. We were driving back, and I was with two other mates. Fuck, Nick Capper's nervous. He thinks he's on radio. I know, I am. I'm worried.

I get to talk to one of my radio heroes. At this point, I'm looking at the producer going, this is terrible talent. What are you doing? This guy fucking sucks. I love Nick Capper's best festival story. The start of it is, so I'm leaving the festival. Anyway, it's about two weeks later and I saw a UFO.

Fuck, someone hit play the boobies or something. Someone put some music on. Fucking hell. Dump, hit the dump button. Sorry, Dick, you sort of broke up there. For part of it, we drove back nude. There was just three of us in the car just driving nude. Who'd been on that year, the Chili Peppers or something?

I think the Prodigy were on, which is weird. Yeah, there's no nudity. There was just three of us in the car just driving nude. Right. Who'd been on that year? The Chili Peppers or something? Yeah. I think the Prodigy were on, which is weird. Yeah, there's no nudity. Yeah. But yeah. Why were you nude? I just thought it'd be fun. Drove back from Byron to Brisbane nude.

Just nude in the car? Yeah, just in the car. Just nude. What's he getting for this anecdote, Tommy? Is he getting a copy of the Hottest 100 for that year? A JMAG? A JMAG that got discontinued. And some stickers. You probably like stickers, don't you?

Dirty little festival pink. You get some shitty old JMAG that's under the chair with a fucking fold-out poster of Magic Dirt in it. This wasn't Dave Cowan's response at all. Also, you didn't have any trousers. Hello. Hello. It was real funny because I used to do night shift on the tractor Also you didn't have any trousers Hello Hello I'm Scottish

It was real funny because I used to do night shift on the tractor And Dave Cullen would always talk to He'd have characters he'd talk to Not characters but real people You know like Steph from Tamworth I think it was Steph from Tamworth he'd always talk to And I would think to myself

Man she must be famous Like that must be her life. Yeah, yeah. Being Steph from Tamworth. In the way that people think that any band that they've heard on Triple J is, like, making a living from music. Yeah, yeah. She's a celebrity.

Yeah, yeah. She must just get everything for free. Yeah, Adam O'Will used to call this dude called Stinky. I forget what he... I think Dave Callan called him once, too. God damn it. As I said it, I was like... Oh, no once too. God damn it. As I said it, I was like, I am in deep shit. As I was tying up the noose, I was like, hang on a minute.

This could be used on me if I'm not careful. Why did I step off this ladder? All I need is someone to just tiptoe onto the stool and kick it off. God, that delicious bite of that lime really gave me a lot of nutrients. And that's what I thought. I thought, oh man,

this dude must be famous. You know what I mean? They call him once a week and I think he was a graffiti removalist or something like that and I was like, why is he working a job?

Couldn't you just hang out and be cool? You're on Triple J. He's talking five minutes a week on Triple J. He is famous for the graffiti removal just any time you see a Triple J. He's famous for the graffiti removal. Just any time you see a blank wall, he's done it again.

If there's no signature, you know who's done it. Actually, it's really funny. I'm working a warehouse job at the moment, and there's a listener who works at the warehouse. Of the pod? Yeah, yeah. She had to get a job at the warehouse as well because her pub got closed down due to COVID.

And then she said to her manager, I'm working with Kappa, who's also a listener. And he's like, what? Yeah, right. Like, where do you work at? Like a media place or something? And she's like, no, at a warehouse. What's the pub? Can you say the pub?

No, I don't know the pub. It's somewhere in the Burbs. Okay. It has bands, something.'t know the pub. It's somewhere in the Burbs. Okay. It has beans, something. Shout out to Jade. Jade and her boyfriend who listens as well. Okay. And her manager, some guy.

So that's three people. Cool. Great shout out there. Yeah, great shout out. Some guy. We'll be sending you a dum-dum prize pack, which is a photo of Carl signed. I can't believe Jade's boyfriend has to work.

He's a regular on this show now. And do you know what? You wouldn't even need to mail it to her. I would just take it in to work. Yep, yep. Pretty handy. Yeah. So anyway, that was my story,

and I remember feeling very honoured. I was on the tractor, and Dave Callan answered. I couldn't believe it. Oh, you did make the call while you were on the tractor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was good. Yeah.

So I was like, this is the highlight of my life. Yeah. Bragging to... I do remember ringing up to be on the radio. Yeah. At that point and sort of being like, wow, I can't believe I actually got on. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a... I don't know if you remember this, Ballard. This is a real weird thing. I remember when I first started comedy. Two weeks ago? Yeah. I haven't started yet. You did pause too long.

Something had to happen. Peer pressure. I get around these bullies. I want Carl to think I'm cool. You're one of the only nice guys left. I'm sorry. You're letting peer pressure ruin you., you know. You're one of the only nice guys left. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And you're letting peer pressure ruin you. No, I love you.

You're great. But I think I've told you this story before, but I worked at ABC shop, right? Yep. And then I... Selling ABC merch, selling fucking Bananas in Pyjamas merch. To be honest,

I was ridiculously underqualified for that job. Right. Because the only show I watched was Keeping Up Appearances. So do you think to work at the ABC shop, your qualifications are that you need to watch the 7.30 report? Yeah. Intimately familiar with all of the merchandise in the store. Yeah, yeah.

I would try to ring Richard Moorcroft. On your resume, I'm jacked off to the rag. Yeah, yeah. I would try to ring Richard Moorcroft. On your resume. I'm jacked off to the ragged dollar. Yo, Kerry O'Brien, what's the deal? What's the deal? Is his name Kerry? I don't know. Well-versed in ABC 1, 2 and 3.

Yep, yep. This is probably pre there being multiple ABCs, though. Correct. I read an article when I was first starting comedy. You know when you first start, you're just like ingesting stuff, trying trying to get tips all this kind of stuff a week ago and uh yeah yeah it was a week ago tell me that's not cool yeah yeah it's not cool sorry guys it got carried away i'm still beginning to be honest and uh yeah and i read an article that tom ballard would him and a friend would drive two and a half hours to do an open mic spot. Oh, yeah. And drive back.

Yeah, three and a half. All right, whatever, man. All right. Felt like two and a half. With all the riffs that we were doing. Drive goes so quick. And then the one time they said, we need a fill-in at ABC Studios to work in the shop there.

And I was like, fuck, I can make some connections here. So you were working, so you, like, being upgraded to HQ, you were like a random ABC show. Yeah, I was at ABC Chatswood, which we could hardly say, no celebrities are going in there. Yeah. Although that dude who wears the bandana who used to play rugby, who writes books, Peter Fitzsimmons, yeah, he came in once, dripped his kebab all over the desk.

Didn't even wipe it up. He had a bandana on his head. I didn't even know who he was. I was like, who's this weirdo? Oh, we've got a bit of spotted on the show this week. A bit of celeb sighting. Yeah, yeah. Exposed.

15 years ago. This cunt dripping kebabs in the ABC shop. He had a bandana on and he was selling books in our shop and he walks up to me eating a kebab going, how's my book going? I'm like, is this dude homeless? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the biggest weirdo. Anyway, I said, I don't know, man.

He's like, I'm Peter Fitzsimmons. Like, my book is over there. And I was like, yeah, cool. And I'm Michael Jackson. You know what I mean? I'm like, who the hell are you? You're not it. I'm one of the bananas.

The book is called The Wrong Way to Eat a Kebab it's Harvard induced anyway a kebab is such a gnarly on the go food I think he figured out that I did not know who he was

and he was kind of nice to me then which is good but yeah yeah he was more nice to you then no he just he thought it was kind of funny because the other person walked out and was like,

oh, yeah, no, your book's selling well, the manager. And yeah, she was like, that's Peter Fitzsimmons. I'm like, oh, yeah, who cares? So you weren't so much promoted, just relocated away from Chatham. Yeah, some would say relocated. We're somewhere where Fitzsimmons doesn't go. We need to get this guy out of the way of the talent. We're somewhere where we hate our celebs.

Yeah. There. That's actually not that bad of a... So you're talking about the ABC shop, like, at the ABC headquarters. Yes. That you got moved to. Because it's not like any of the talent that are going into work every day are going to come into the shop. Yeah.

You'd have to be insane. You're on your way to work. I know, exactly. Anyway. Every time, every year at the ABC, you would get a, for a Christmas present, you get a 25% discount at the ABC shop. Hell yes.

That was a gift. That's a present. You got a discount. That was like the, yes, that was the gift. Yeah, yeah. Shortenery stuff. And I remember you came in. Yes.

And I was like, fuck. Here's my big chance This is Ballard coming into the flagship shop ABC shop in Ultimo He came in and he said Do you have any anal sex DVDs? You heard it here first folks And I said

I've got my kebab everywhere Is that garlic sauce? Yeah. Because I am gay. And imagine... Imagine if that was you or indeed anyone. I said, we have keeping up appearances. Keeping up the date appearances.

And then he threw his kebab at me, banged his fist on the table and said, I demand. I demand satisfaction. Bend over, Kappa. I'm really going to miss this. I'm really going to miss this. That is a particularly good switcheroo though. That did have me going. That is a particularly good switcheroo though. That did have me going.

That was very good. We had DVA. It really felt like the journey took about 20 minutes. Yeah, come at me, Ballard. You moron. You know who

you're messing with? We see these bananas in pyjamas. Could I shove them up my arse? Is that possible? Have you got any merch for Doctor Who

wants to get fucked up the butt? You have a go at me for being bad atse. Is that possible? Have you got any merch for Doctor Who wants to get fucked up the butt? You have a go at me for being bad at comedy. I have a go at you for being gay. You got any copies of Mid-Bummer Murders? Got any collected works of Q and Anal? Oh, there we go. Q and Anal.

Oh, God. Media, watch me get rammed in the butt. So Q and anal Oh there we go Q and anal Oh god Media watch me Get rammed in the face Any others? Any others at all? Oh god I think that's it Insiders

Keeping up with Arrearances Arrearances is it? Keeping up with Arrearances Yeah yeah yeah Yeah We could run out

A clock on this one Doctor who had sex with me Yeah Oh really Listen Kappa Listen Oh come on More of a seven mate guy Myself Yeah, we'll take that. We can run out the clock on this one. Doctor Who had sex with me. Yeah. Oh, really? Listen, Kappa, listen. Oh, come on. I'm more of a seven-mate guy myself.

I'm really scrambling here to... Family guy that I want to fuck? Carl had that one pre-loaded, I swear he did. Pre-loaded. That was the start of a new conversation. Not even an ABC-produced television show. Yeah, so... All right, well, what about this? I said to Carl, I mean, Carl, not...

I said to Tom, I read the article. It was very inspiring. And now we're back into real life? We're finishing the real story, yeah. Out of magic realism. This was after he pulled all the DVDs off the shelves and demanded to see Inside the Storeroom. Yes.

And searched all of those for anal sex. So I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be selling anal sex DVDs. It's more of a commercial network sort of a thing. We then had to walk to every ABC show. We've done. The riff is done. What's real? Is the real story interesting?

He then called the manager. Okay, I'm back. Go on. Yeah, we're having fun again. It's actually fine. Let's come back around the other room. He then started ripping the cameras off their stands in the studio. I can't believe we're in the real part of the story now.

Truth is stranger than fiction. No, it's going to be shit now, the story. You got that angry just because there was no anal sex DVDs. I really like anal sex. What with me being gay, though. And so that's what motivated my actions on that day. Right. I get it.

But still, it was an inspiring moment for Nick to meet one of his heroes. Yeah, that's what made him want to start stand-up. Boy, I want to be able to throw a tantrum like this. I mean, I would have told that story on the tractor to Dave Callen over that other bullshit one. But anyway, that's just me. Anyway, Jay, I said that to him. And I said, I'm starting to stand up myself. And then you humored me.

You were like, oh, yeah, that's great. And then just walked out. And I was like, oh, cool. Maybe I'll see him again someday. And then that was it. This is the first time you've seen him since then. I thought I had seen you around at gigs. Yeah, I think you'd seen me

But it was a while later Right But I was I remember being But the coolest thing was Not only meeting you later on Getting to know you Also getting to know the guy you're in the car with

Michael Williams Yes So that was cool That is cool That's a cool story Everything worked out Yeah yeah And then you kept ringing me after that

Listen cunts Cool story. Everything worked out. Yeah, yeah. And then you kept ringing me after that. Listen, cunts. I've got a 25% off voucher. Every open mic. I would be... It's really no concept of what the internet was or how to access it. My only path to anal sex videos is the ABC show. It's a very bizarre... That's why they closed down.

It's a bizarre approach to media from a 21-year-old. Also, I like how you refuse to pay full price for anal DVDs. And then going through every show to see... You're like, what about the Tudors? That's got sex scenes in it. That's sex scenes. What about the Greek documentaries? Does that have anything?

And just constantly emails, Facebook messages. I love the Greek documentaries. If you want to do a gig at the Mike in Hand again. You better put a dick in this hand. Wow. Guys. Wow. Ripped from today's headlines.

Comedy's changed. Yeah, it was a great time and I'm still starting comedy, but... You'll get there, mate. Yeah, yeah. That was fun times. And I'll get that anal sex one day. I was going to say, what about this? Let's all take a breath

okay there's no anal sex in the next the next little stanza of this podcast that's all I think we'll be the judge of that

okay there wasn't meant to be in the last one but God found a way there was absolutely no need for it whatsoever Lord works in mysterious ways I am look we're going back into lockdown the highlight of my lockdown has been other way. There was absolutely no need for it whatsoever. in mysterious facts.

Look, we're going back into lockdown. The highlight of my lockdown has been just doing a lot more exercise. I've been

getting to a real rhythm running every day. I'm sorry. What kind of exercise? What are you

doing? Running. Oh, I see. Not having anal sex. Sorry, carry on. I can't

believe you held that boy by the scruff of the neck. What boy? Who was also working at the ABC shop. That's a real cliffhanger. I can't believe you pulled that television off the wall. There was a cardboard cutout of Doctor Who. And Ballard yelled, can I fuck this?

And then threw it at me. I'll get another beer. Can you grab me one? Yeah. Oh God. A full Fawlty Towers box was thrown at me. Lord Almighty. Can I get one too?

There's two in the fridge there, Tommy. I'm probably going to go on five to ten minutes. Oh, yeah, cool. That'll do us. Ten minutes. That'll do us. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Sorry, mate. Sorry. Hey, don't apologise to him for what he did to you. Never apologise to the Riv. Don't apologise for comedy. Yeah. I'm going to call it, guys.

I think this is a classic. I, um... Fuck. This is the last. I, um... Fuck. This is the last... Couldn't do this on Zoom. We've got ten minutes to go before we're all locked down and we're never sitting in our basement. Never see each other again.

Just jerking off over Kappa's stories. Imagine a riff like that, but we're all on, like, a three-second delay. And then you did what? Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, sorry. You go yeah yeah was it what say it again anal so what he dropped out there he did what anal anal i think we've lost anal i think

we've lost car anal um i uh so yeah i've been doing a lot of running. I've been talking about that on the pod, my various little escapades whilst running. So I, the other day, this is a couple of days ago, I went for a run and I did a thing where, look, I've talked a lot on the pod about Liverpool and their quest to win the Premier League and the Championship and all that sort of stuff. So I've been very excited being locked down. I've been buying a lot of merch and stuff and so I've been running in that. We finally won the Premier League the the Championship and all that sort of stuff. So I've been very excited being locked down. I've been buying a lot of merch and stuff. And so I've been running in that. We finally won the Premier League the other day.

So I was pretty wrapped about that. So I went for a run. And as I was running, I was talking to Brett Blake on the phone as I was jogging. And I just talked to you, Tom Ballard. Me? Yeah. Remember when we were talking and I was running the other day? I do remember that.

Yes. Do you remember what you were talking about? He was complaining about... The ABCs. Saying even though with inflation I still have 25% off, it doesn't matter about the inflation. I still get...

No, with inflation it should be 50% off. I still get a quarter of the price off. Cut the budgets I say So I was jogging along And I did that thing Where I Privatise anal sex TV No ads

Just pure anal No ads in between the anal So I saw someone In the sort of Short to mid distance That was wearing A Liverpool shirt As they were running And they were running Towards me But like You know that was wearing a Liverpool shirt as they were running.

And they were running towards me, but there was like a little sort of like a traffic island between the two of us. So he was like across from me and also in front of me a fair bit. So I can see the shirt pretty clearly. I'm like, right, Liverpool. That's one of my boys right there.

So it's that thing where you're driving and you try and sort of, like in the country, when you're driving and you see someone coming towards you and you know them or whatever you do the little finger off the steering wheel you know that to just to sort of say hey hey i see you get a sort of thing yeah so i'm seeing him but i'm talking to blakey on the phone so i'm thinking how do i i gotta i gotta recognize this guy i I've got to validate him. I've sort of got to go, yeah, yeah, yeah, you and me. Yeah. So.

Are you wearing any Liverpool gear? Well, that's it. Yeah, yeah. So I am. Yeah. So I'm thinking, oh, easy. Because whenever I'm running, I'm always wearing it. I'm always representing.

Kappa, can you get off your phone? I'm telling you. Sorry. This story doesn't have any anal. He's running late now. Yeah. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, go. Yeah, I'm listening.

I'm listening. Right. Okay. Are you writing all this down? Yes. Are you the podcast stenographer now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm listening. I'm listening. Right, okay. Are you writing all this down? Yes. Are you the podcast stenographer now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, great, great.

So I'm running along. I see him up front. I go, right, how am I going to recognise him? How am I going to let him see me sort of thing? So I go, and I'm talking to Blakey. I can't yell out. Usually I'd sort of say, hey, I get it, you know. Go the Reds, up the Reds, something like that.

Wouldn't want to be uncouth while you're on the phone to Brett. Yeah, well, that's it. Exactly. One of the most, the highest set of fucking manners out of everyone, Brett Blake. Very couth. Yes, very couth. Pro couth.

So I see him and I'm like, fuck, what do I do? So I go, I just sort of decide to, you know, because we've won, I sort of, I think I'll give him a celebratory signal. So as I'm running, I just put my hand up in the air like I punched the air. I just punch the air and go, yeah, hey, like that. And he sees that and he just stares at me. I'm like, what's not to get? So I do it again, straight up in the air, put my fist straight up in the air.

Yes, like that. And I'm like hey and again he's looking at me and he's giving me absolutely nothing i think i see what's happened here and then i go yeah and then i start pointing at my top like i'm like well you you're not looking at me properly are you so i start pointing my top and then i punched you here again yeah and he's like and just keeps running and then i realize that i'm pointing at my tracksuit top which is not red it's black then i realize that the man that's jogging is black yep yep and i am not celebrating Liverpool's Premier League win. I'm giving him the black power signal.

Yep. As I'm jogging. Yep. Fuck. So I think I'm one of the Panthers now. I think I'm a black Panther. Oh, cool, cool, cool. I think that's how it works.

Fucking hell. Because I'm wearing my black Liverpool top, but it's like The one little emblem The logo on the black top Is in black Like it's like a Just a glistening Sort of shiny little thing

That you can't see From a distance at all Yeah yeah yeah I've just got a black top on I'm pointing at black top Going I'm with you buddy Me and you

Fist in the air The official salute Of the Liverpool Football Club Fucking hell How long did it take you to realise Oh well like I said Me and you. Fist in the air. The official salute of the Liverpool Football Club. Fucking hell. How long did it take you to realise? Well, like I said, I was talking to Brett Blake at the time and I went into a shame spiral immediately afterwards. He's talking to me, being very interrupted by me,

sort of variously sort of going, hey, you, hey. And then just a gap and then me going, Oh, fuck, Blakey. Blakey, fuck, this is just what happened. Fuck! It would have been very distracting because you're doing that whilst in your ear hearing, All lives matter, you cowards! I was like, is this some sort of Freaky Friday

gone through the phone? Have I switched personalities with someone from Perth? Yeah, yeah. It'd be great if you started chasing him down to explain yourself. I was like, fuck! Hey, Capper, I know you've got time constraints. I just want to do one thing very quickly. We've been talking on the show for a little while about my dad

and his memoir that he's been writing. And he sent me some chapters. And they're written very boringly. And so I've taken on the task of punching them up and basically ghost writing right his memoir for him so he's given me he's given me his version of a chapter I'm taking out the bullet points and re rewriting it basically to make it a bit more to make it a bit more jazzy so I think this is a good I've been holding on to it for a bit because we've you know didn't feel't feel like doing like Ursula Carlson

and Kyle Canane over Skype. Didn't feel like the right format to do it. You guys both know my dad. You've met him several times. Well, Cap is the voice of our short run or our long run. Exactly. My dad's pornographic work that he was writing. Yeah, yeah.

My friend's dad wrote a poem. Yeah, yeah. So I thought you guys give me a bit of feedback. Is this like a more interesting version of my dad's memoir chapter that he sent me? Okay, so I've rewritten it. I've kept it brief, something that dad is not known for in his own works. Yes. So I'll give you the bullet points that I had to work with with me writing this chapter.

So he's in the middle of studying at university, and he has to pick somewhere to go and study for a year. He has to do like a year of working in a firm for his university degree, studying architecture. He chooses Hawaii. His office is on the top floor of a very nice building. His receptionist offers him a place to live. His boss was a guy called Mr. Goo.

Okay. That's my favorite detail. Mr. Goo. Mr. Goo. G-O-O. Yes, Mr. Goo. Okay That's my favourite detail Mr Goo Mr Goo J I mean G G-O-O Yes Mr Goo So dad ends up living in a cottage

Out the back of a couple's house And he had the job of driving the lady around When the husband was away on business And one time he saw Richard Nixon at the airport Right So those are the most interesting points of the Okay Of bullet points that I got

So Mr Goo I'm just going to tell you Yeah I'm tuning out if he doesn't fuck Either Mr Goo or Richard Nixon Okay most interesting points of the bullet points that I got. Mr. Goo. I'm just going to tell you, I'm tuning out if he doesn't fuck either Mr. Goo or Richard Nixon. Alright, so here we go. The year was 1969. Nice. It was the fourth year of my Bachelor of Architecture degree

and I was required to choose somewhere to do work experience for 12 months. I decided to choose Hawaii as I had been there on a family holiday with my parents a few years before. Now I know what you're thinking. A grown man going on a holiday to Hawaii with his parents? Hang on. Yep. There's no references to the building structure, the way it's laid out. This is not a Damien Higgity classic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, in the original, that was eight pages long. Right. Where's the synoptic charts? Maybe we can do a director's cut. You know, sometimes late in the cycle of a film, control gets taken off the director and all his stuff gets changed. The Oxford Dictionary defines building. On my first day, I was put in touch with a friend of a colleague who told me that I could

live in the cottage behind her house. The cottage was a converted single car garage with no lock on the door, but I didn't mind. I was just thankful to have my very own Hawaiian masturbatorium. The couple in the main house were called Mr. and Mrs. Nelson. Mr. Nelson would regularly visit Oregon

on business, and so it was my job to... You wrote this! And so it was my job to drive around Mrs Nelson on her errands in a 1940 Buick Coupe one day I was driving

Mrs Nelson back from the supermarket where we just spent 45 minutes trying to locate the Hollandaise pull over she said from the back seat

I obliged her request and then looked at her in the rear view mirror everything okay back there I asked before I noticed that she was sobbing silently I'm just so lonely

with Mr Nelson away all the time. I unbuckled my seatbelt and climbed over into the back seat. Next thing I knew, Mrs Nelson was forcing her tongue down my throat. What followed was a flurry of passion in the back seat of the 1940 Buick Coupe. Mrs Nelson taught me things about my sexuality that I would never forget. Lessons in lovemaking that would stay with me for over 16 years until the end of 1985 when I would realise my true calling in life, conceiving my one and only son. To be continued.

What do you guys think? Have I kind of spruced up? I've taken the bare bones? Look, I had to jettison the Richard Nixon detail. Maybe he could be kind of like he could see in through the window of the car. I thought while he was making out already, he thought, and I thought seeing Richard Nixon was a good day. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah, all right.

I thought he was going to jump out of the car with his hands in the air going, oh, yeah, I'm not a virgin. There we go. Okay, that's in there. He learns that one from Nixon. Then he brings that in post-route. Yeah, I don't know. I think I've really...

Yeah, yeah, I mean, the timeline doesn't quite work out. If it was 1969,, you know, Richard Nixon wouldn't have said that quote. What do people say? Like, what's a surfing term in Hawaii? Like, wahoo or something like that. That's just a dickhead term. Okay, so you

want more kind of local flavour in the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mentioning that he's like when she's taking his clothes off, there's a lei around his neck that's coming off as well. Don't worry about that lei. He does another one. This is all good stuff, guys. Mentioning that he's like, when she's taking his clothes off, there's a lay around his neck that's coming off as well. Don't worry about that lay. Here comes another one. This is all good stuff, guys. He pulls down his pants.

Aloha. She brought me to Clivex. I created a Mr. Goo of my own. There we go. This is all fantastic stuff. All right. This is riskier than the reef break of Taupo. A bit too specific, I think.

Again, I've been sitting on this for a long time. I'm really glad I didn't read this out with the Chaser boys. I wouldn't have gotten feedback like this. Is there a way he could prank Richard Nixon in the story? Could he pretend to be someone from Watergate, maybe? What if he gets hurt or wear a Richard Nixon mask? Masks already exist. Richard Nixon

was wearing one. He never actually looked like that. He might give him one at the airport.

Here's a mask of me buddy. I don't know if you'd say that. That's pretty cool.

I mean Carl often wears our merchandise so it's not crazy that the real Richard Nixon would be getting around

in a Richard Nixon mask. Alright well that's chapter one and good lockdown project. We're about to get back into it. I can get more chapters and spruce them up.

I reckon that's hot. It's an exotic location. There's an American president involved. What stuff couldn't happen? Yeah. You know what I mean? Architecture. It's got everything.

If there was a four ingredients of a hot sex novel Yeah You need to write a book Nick You need to document all your insane shit Some sort of Honolulu biscuit factory in there maybe Oh that'd be good Yeah Well I'll add these

Some sort of fucking pineapple biscuit that they manufacture over there Yeah I'll add these bits and then maybe like at the end of lockdown maybe Or like once I've gotten all the chapters from Dad and spruced them all up we can collate these into some kind of like zine right yeah we can that we can get out there maybe to cool people down after a hot sex scene you could um describe a land party with a diabetic just to really uh just to really you know get people back on page one. You know what I mean?

That'll be like the cigarette after. Yeah, Dad's porno should be in the middle of this book as like a sealed section. I quite like the idea of a novel that you buy that's got a bit in the middle that you have to rip down the centre to get the juiciest parts. Also, I do like the fact that I don't think I'm speaking out of turn, but I like the idea that you sell this and then your dad turns up and he's very happy to sign them

and it's like to be fair Mr. Allsop you haven't written any of this no I'm into all of that dad's selling them having never read a page of his own autobiography knows the vague details absolutely Kramer Peterson 100% my dad doing

me doing the David Allsop reality tour of Melbourne yeah alright guys we better wrap it up Nick Capper Tom Ballard

thank you very much for joining us you both got podcasts yeah yes yes got the phone hacks podcast and also do another podcast

with Brett Blake called Flat Stick it's a lot of fun my podcast is called Like I'm a Six Year Old talking to people about the issues what does that mean like I'm a six year oldar-Old, talking to people about the issues.

What does it mean, Like I'm a Six-Year-Old? So you're just training me like you know nothing? It is a quote from Denzel Washington from the film Philadelphia, which is about AIDS and anal sex. And the idea is people explain their political worldview and the issues to me like I'm a six-year-old, but not actually. And I actually regret that title every day. Because I'm sure you guys can relate. No!

Dum Dum Club sounds cool. Guys, get on social media and carry out the little Dum Dum Club ABC shop anal sex DVD challenge. Go into the ABC shop and throw an absolute shit. They don't exist anymore. You can't get an anal DVD. Tag us. Video yourself.

Just in any shop. Tag us. Tag us in the comments. I remember you screaming, I've got my own podcast, as you've ripped another shelf off the wall. Were you the cunt responsible for posting Triple J's Hottest 100 on the ABC shop website before the countdown results came out? Oh, that's amazing.

No, I remember you threatening that. I will pin this on you. I know the information. As you tried to stuff a toy bluey down Kappa's throat. Got anything in a brownie? I remember you had Richard Kingsmill in a headlock. God damn it. One episode.

Can we do one episode? All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening. Stay safe out there and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Those were the days when we could do it again together. Listening to this just before you got here,

and boy, it really took me back. Having a bunch of lads in a room together. It felt great, very wistful. I mean, you know, now we're very cautious about germs and whatever, but, you know, only three weeks ago, we were having capper in the same room as us. Yes, yes, yeah. But, yeah, this was a lot of fun.

This was already kind of pre-banked for a couple of weeks in the future. And then we got Sean McAuliffe come through and wanting to plug his show. So we had to put that one out in advance of this. So this has been on the boil for quite some time. Hope none of it's dated. Hope COVID's still going on by the time people hear this. Either that or we're just saying all this

to justify us being in a room together today and recording all this sort of stuff and just like, you know, predating it a little bit and, you know,

are we going to go to jail now or what's happening? No, this is work. Oh, okay. Right, right. Yeah, this was. And this is, you know,

they're saying if you, if you can work from home, you should. And many might think that doing a podcast over Zoom is, you know, we could, you should. And many might think that doing a podcast over Zoom is, you know, we could do this remotely. But between your schedule of having a child

and not seeming to know how to work an SD card, it's nigh on impossible to do this without at least the two of us. I guess we can have remotely. But you and I need the same room for this magic to happen. I can work an SD card, but for some reason, you know what? I'll be honest. I reckon the last time I tried to connect it to my laptop, it was not working. And I'll put it down to what's happened to the rest of our household at the moment.

Things stop working because then we find our baby fucking sucking on the end of a cord. And all of a sudden, nothing fucking works in that house. So I would say a little blanket. You know, look, it's good that she hasn't been electrocuted yet, but she's fucked everything in the house. She's coming close. Yeah. Yeah.

She's sucking the electricity out of it to keep us safe. Yeah. Maybe. Powering herself. Yeah. She's a very powerful baby at the moment. Actually, that might explain why she's fluorescent. Ah, yeah, okay.

She can't get to sleep at night because she is lighting up the room. Hair standing up on end constantly. Yeah, she's like a little baby young Einstein. Yeah, so cute. Not as funny, but yeah, not as successful yet. But yeah, a lot of fun here with Kappa and Ballard. A very loose vibe. Hope people enjoyed this. Just flying by a lot of fun here with Kappa and Ballard. A very loose vibe. Hope people enjoyed this. Just flying by the seat of our pants.

It was loose, actually. Getting Ballard in is the... because we had him in for the first time lockdown was happening in Melbourne. We banked up an episode with him and Nazeem. He's the guy that we get in when we just want to go a little bit fucking crazy. When things go to shit, we break glass box with Ballard in case of emergency.

Yep. In case of plandemic. Yep. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, thanks to everyone who's been buying the masks. Office, as we speak, as this comes out, they are not with you yet, as you will have seen. It's taking a

little bit to get to you just a you know an extra week or so um so hold tight don't we haven't any complaints yet but they'll they'll be coming i'm sure um so uh also plenty of people while this while they've been buying the mask has been buying some merch as well so get onto that there's um still plenty of talking dumb-dum stuff. A lot of the sizes have gone, actually, and we won't be reprinting that one. So hoodies and shirts, get on the website. You've got your choice between navy and black. Plenty of sizes are now gone.

So getting quick for some of that bullshit. Oh, what else we got? Anything else? Merch-wise? Yeah, or any other bits of business? You know what I have got? If you don't have anything further, Tommy? Have you got anything? Any new business?

Any old business? Yeah, anything to follow up on? I don't have the minutes to hand but... The monutes. Yeah, I can't remember what happened on this episode so I'm certainly not going to follow up on any of this. Is Ballard still gay? Is that still a thing? Yeah, Kappa's back working at the ABC shop.

Yeah. Kappa did message me yesterday. This is what I love about being in this world of podcasting. It's like, you know, when me or you have something happen to us, it's like you've got half a mind on, right, well, this will be for the podcast, or what can I do with this for the podcast,

or make a note of it, whatever. We've got some guests that things happen to on, right, well, this will be for the podcast or what can I do with this for the podcast or make a note of it or whatever. We've got some guests that things happen to them and they go, oh, this will be good for someone else's podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kappa hits me up yesterday. He goes, oh, I might have something. I might have a new through line for Dumb Dumb about me. I'm like, I'm thinking, well, he's got his own podcast, but okay, yeah, yeah.

What is it? He goes, I just applied for a job at KFC. Love that. Love that as a through line for us. So what's that? He comes on, he talks about filling out the application, then we have him on again to talk about the interview. Then assuming that he gets the job,

then we can try and make it a thing of listeners working out which KFC it is. Yeah, yeah. And if you go in and it a thing of listeners working out which KFC it is yeah yeah and if you go in and get a photo of yourself being served by Kappa at the drive-thru you are you know you win a prize

but also he what I like is I was like oh I love this and so then I said well what what job did you apply for thinking what would he be doing

in the store and he goes oh just anything I was like oh so you're not he's obviously not responding to like a, you know, a job, an open job. He's just sent them a letter that says, can I please have a job at KFC?

But isn't, I'd imagine it's one of those places where you are, when you're employed there, you're doing. You're doing anything. You're kind of doing a bit of everything. Don't most takeaway places sort of work in that same way? Probably. Yeah. Yeah. doing a bit of everything. Don't most takeaway places sort of work in that same way? Probably. Yeah. Yeah, I guess I haven't.

I never worked at Miraburra KFC. They came in just as I was, I think, oh, I'm not sure if it was the, maybe it was right on the cusp of me leaving town after school because that was very exciting when we got a KFC. Yeah, I feel like I've had points of being in a KFC where I've walked into order, there's no one at the counter when I get there. The guy that was manning the deep fryer is all of a sudden around taking your order.

Yeah. And then by the time I'm done eating, he's got a mop out, he's cleaning in front of the store. It does make sense. There's no one at the drive-thru refusing to put chicken salt on the chips because that's not my area. Yeah. That's not my on the chips because that's not my area. Yeah. That's not my area of expertise.

It's not my jurisdiction. I didn't get Certificate III in chip salting. Yeah. So that's some good new business. Now, I don't think I have any, I don't think I have anything to follow up on. Has my package arrived yet, by the way? No. Fuck.

But, related to that, you're talking about our little... Chris cunt or whatever. No, Chris... What was it called again? Cunt, cringle, saint. A secret Samantha. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Secret Samantha.

Now, you know what? Chris cunt. You've said that weeks ago that you got something for me, but you sent it to me. Yes. So I'm waiting on that. And because of that, I'm going, fuck. And I just, I have it on my to-do list every day going, right, I've got to get yours.

Oh, you still haven't done it? No, I still haven't done it. Okay. So because it's taken so long for yours to come, I'm like, I've still got time. We're going to be doing this in March next year. Because the post is so fucked at the moment. If you're waiting for mine to turn up,

if you're waiting the fucking eight weeks of postage for mine before you hit order on mine I'm doing it tomorrow I just haven't found anything quite I don't know good enough that I think this will be good

it's fine this could just simmer you know there's no time pressures on this tomorrow I've got an open day tomorrow and also I think I think mine's I think I've kind of forgot

you fucked up I fucked it I think I've just gotten you something that's just like good. You ignored the rule. The rules were, as I remember, $20 or under and it'll be funny for the podcast. I think you've spent more and it's not funny. Yeah, mine was a little bit more, mostly just due to the postage cost.

Right. And it's kind of funny. Like it's tied into the pod. Right. But I think it's probably more of just a good gift than it is funny. But it does relate to a couple of different things that have come up multiple times on the pod. Okay, great. And the pod's funny, so who can know it's a funny gift?

Okay, well speaking of mail, let's for the second time ever, let's open up the Dumb Dumb Mailbag. And you've jogged here tonight, so I can't wait to see what you've got. I've jogged here tonight, but I've got the backpack on my back. Okay, yep. So I've got stuff in here. So how do you want to work the Dumb Dumb Mailbag? I've got several parcels,

which is, look, as I've said, it's a genuinely exciting thing to do because it brings me back to when you were a kid and you got mail with your own name on it. You're like, oh, wow. Because back then you're not getting bills. Yeah. Nowadays when you get mail, it's like, this will be fucking shit.

What have I done now? Yeah, exactly. This is back to being a kid. Although. As an eight-year-old, you're not getting a fucking gas bill, are you? It's all positive. I did have, today though, a friend of mine sent me a postcard. A friend who just lives in Melbourne. Oh. He's just trying to do a bit of mine sent me a postcard who just a friend who just

lives in melbourne oh he's just trying to do a bit of like oh yeah yeah just bought a bunch of postcards and was like hey this is a nice little isolation thing reach out to people and it and it did i did have that moment today of like went in like oh fuck what's gonna be in here yeah and then just like what the hell is this yeah yeah it's nice just a little message from a friend that's it yeah so this is good so far so, I've got three parcels here. Okay. I've opened one of them. Okay.

But then after opening that one, I thought, well, maybe I'll have the option of letting you open the other. So it's spontaneous. Because look, I know we've done this before on live shows and every time... Sometimes it's... So you've got to vet at least some of them. There's a bit of a 50-50 ratio as to whether it's worth talking about or not. So the one that you opened, is that good to talk about or that's going in the bin? I think there's an angle on it.

I think we can talk about it. Okay. So this is it. So look, I'll show you. My point is you must be pretty confident in the quality of this in order to be letting me blind open ones on the air. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll say this much so you can see this tommy this is describe this this box this is um what would you say this is like an a a a five bit bigger than a five nil it's nearly a four probably about two-thirds the size of a box of cereal yeah it's if you know your paper sizes your, your Australian paper sizes at the very least, it's just shy of an A4 piece of paper. And then it's about three or four inches thick. It's cereal box thickness. Yeah, you're right. So it's a pretty sturdy little parcel.

Yep. So I've got that. So I've opened that up. So this is a pretty ideal. This is an exciting element to it too, which I hadn't really thought about. Because if you order stuff online and you get a box like that in your box, well, you know what's coming. So you're like, oh, that's just how they've chosen to package it up. But with this, you see in the size, the general vague shape of the package, it's like this could be anything.

So you get that fun little guessing game before you crack it open. Yep. So this is what's inside, Tommy. I'll pull this out. Okay. We, in that, we got... Oh, some showbacks.

Some Birdie Beetle showbacks. Two mini Birdie Beetle showbacks. I don't mind this at all. Well, what I find funny about this is, Birdie Beetle, for anyone that doesn't realise, the Birdie Beetle showback is renowned at the Melbourne show, or any of the shows around Australia, the fairs, or whatever we call them,

for being the cheapest show bag, right? That's the whole novelty of it, is that that's the one show bag you can get if you've got $2. Everything else is fucking $40 these days. This is the cheapest thing you can get. And always has been, since I was a kid. Yep. What I love is, we've got a couple is the cheapest thing you can get. And always has been since I was a kid. Yeah. What I love is we've got a couple of the cheapest things you can get.

They've paid fucking $12 to send it to us. Also, yeah, also the interesting thing about the Birdie Beetle is that he's a, so he's a little chocolate bar, a chocolate bar that doesn't exist outside of its own show bag. Yes. Which is bizarre. Yeah, it is. You can get like a Freddo show bag, a exist outside of its own show bag. Yes. Which is bizarre. Yeah, it is. You can get like a Freddo show bag, a Caramello Koala show bag.

This little cunt is created purely for his own self-contained universe of his own show bag. It's a little bit akin to the Morrow bar in the Favourites pack these days. Yeah, it doesn't exist outside of this One little Fucking Justice League of America Type contraption Exactly So that's We've got a

That's good A couple of $2 show bags I also I also quite like I mean maybe I'm wrong Maybe we did talk about this But like I do like that

You know This isn't a personal joke Or anything like that This is just someone going Yeah have some show bags Here's some chocolate. Hey, I don't mind it. This is what we asked for.

We just wanted people to send us a nice gift that we're just going to make our lives a little bit better. That don't have to be like, oh, yeah, look, it's a fucking bumper sticker that says cunt on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to think, and I've brought this up before, but I like to think, you know, you have these like porn stars that have got like Amazon wish lists. Yes, yeah. I like to think we're like that that we just haven't devised our own wish list yet yeah these other people are just choosing this shit for us well you go onto our amazon wish list and it just says i'm feeling lucky yes google style yes okay all right so we've got so this is this is what i knew you know i knew those those two results that was in there so

we've got now we've got like a bigger, like a padded post bag. It's probably getting more like an A3 sort of size. Actually, I've just realized something. One of these is addressed to you and one's addressed to me. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, perfect. We can just open independently.

I'll let you go first, if you like. Deliver to Mr. Tommy Daslow. And also, while we're doing this, let's give the address again, just for anyone just joining us. P.O. Box 6063 Hawthorne, West Victoria, 3122. That's it. And, you know, look, so far all of our parcels have been to me or to you or to both of us.

Feel free to address it to the little dum-dum club. That's the name of the podcast in many ways. I do hope that, yeah, I hope that what I'm about to open is something specifically tailored to me and not just someone who's forgotten your name. Yeah. Also, yours is rattling a lot. Mine's rattling.

And also, speaking of the wish list, this has come from Amazon. Oh, very nice. Mine has come from Amazon, so... All right. Mine's come from an office supplies. Mine, um, alright. I'm, I'm, mine's come from an office supplies. That's rattling a lot. Yeah,

yours is fucked. Oh. Okay, I've got a big box of big pens. Oh,

wow. A big box of Byron's. I love that. That is, that's pretty fucking cool. I love buying boxes of Bic pens. Yeah, I love this.

This is sick. Oh, man. Is there a name on this? It just says Amazon. Did I ever talk about this? I've wanted some form of sponsorship. I was thinking about hitting up Bic because I love the classic crystal pen. And that's what you've got there, a box full of them.

I go into Officeworks to just buy boxes of crystal pens my favorite pens will i've got i always have three of them in my pocket yeah i think you have talked about that i've talked about that which is what makes it even more bizarre that this was addressed to yes maybe is the thinking maybe well you talk about it a lot you're obviously set for them right you've got plenty of them right maybe let's try and get this guy onto it you know what maybe it's the people from Bic sending it in, going, well, Chandler's... There's no use sending him to Chandler. He's talked enough about him.

Let's convert the other fella. If you open yours and it's like a Mario and Luigi butt plug, we'll know that this truly was... This is someone who doesn't know whose voice is whose when they listen to the pod. Yes. Okay. Yeah, I've made a...

By the way, so they're in like a... So mine was in a padded bag in a box and then the boxes come open in the bag and the pens went fucking everywhere when I opened the package. So I'm opening my big old box from a... This is from an office supplies company, so... Oh, what the fuck?

Okay. Yeah. Now I'm assuming... One big pen. I'm assuming that mine has come from the... One big pen. I'm assuming that mine has come from the same person as you. I'm assuming that this is one person who wanted to get something

for each of us and decided to, you know, split them up. All right, all right. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's the way I'm reading it. Let's find out what this is. Yeah, maybe it is

from the same person. Fucking hell. This... I love how like secure yeah yours is pretty tightly wrapped mine is super tightly wrapped

for not a good reason whereas you've got a box of pens that have just gone fucking everywhere yours could have actually done with a bit more sturdiness

yeah yeah this box needed to be stuck down mine's got 17 layers of fucking security and it's a fucking packet of highlighters this is definitely

from the same person this is insane if it's not from the same person all right all right so that's our net our net gain this week from um from the hundreds of dollars we're paying for this um this private post box we've got some birdie beetle chocolates we've got a bunch of pens and a bunch of highlighters see i reckon this person has mixed us up because you've gotten a big box of colourful highlighters and I've gotten the pen. So you've talked about, you know, you keep your pens in your pocket, you're writing, you know, you're writing as you walk, you're writing in your little notebook as you walk down Bridge Road.

You know, I've talked about doing my exhibition where I'm using it. You know, you've been given a box of coloured highlighters. You're colourblind. Again, I think you need education as to what colorblind is. No, I'm saying I think this person's mixed them up. I think what I've gotten is more suited to you. Yeah. And perhaps what you got is more suited to me.

You're more than welcome to take the highlighters. You know what? I only use one color highlighter. I only use the fluoro... The brown. No. The fluoro brown. The fluoro yellow is all I use. It's like, the rest of it, it's not really

highlighting enough. I need it full highlighted. It is strange to... You don't want a dark colour to highlight something. That's low lighting. No, this one here,

there's like a, yeah, there's like a dark, there's like a thick kind of forest green. Low lighting. These are really nice. I like these tones. Yeah, use them. These are really nice. I like these tones.

Yeah, use them. You can have them. Text surfer. They're called the text surfer. Did you know that? No. That's awesome. I've got a bad habit of every time I go into Officeworks, I buy a highlighter.

So I've got dozens of highlighters at my house and not that much to highlight. Yep. I don't have that much important stuff in my house that I need to fucking desperately remember it. It's an interesting thing. I'm going to write something down and

then I'm going to use this other pen. Yep. It's like, well, how about just don't write it down. Yeah. It doesn't need to be

on the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't fucking write it down. Or just write the thing in highlighter. Yeah. Write everything in

highlighter. Great. Thank you. Well, thanks to those mysterious benefactors can't wait for a pad next week yeah if we could have assembled

by the end of the year if we could have assembled an entire home office just based on stuff we've been sent through that would be pretty good if we had a long term project that we were trying to put something together just through donations from the mailbox. What if we just wanted stuff from Officeworks?

So you're just recreating your own Officeworks store at your house. Yeah, not bad. And I love the Officeworks items that don't particularly belong in Officeworks. There'll just be Mars bars and stuff there. And it's like, it's not really. Well, I love that. They're thinking of that the break room is part of the office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you know, you've got to have some, you've got to have some drinking cocoa.

You've got to have some marshmallows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The cleaning supplies. Fuck that. The janitor's cupboard. That's part of the office. That would be good if they started selling grog there. They started selling beersg there they started selling

beers there going well this is for Friday afternoon that happens yeah my friend has a 5pm drinks cart that comes around at her work

we're going to start selling mud cake now as well because there's always birthdays you're probably having more cake than you're using highlighters

in the office really why not get that in there's always there's the Christmas party there's some funny shenanigans

that's why we're selling condoms now makes a lot of sense yeah I think we've got some good ideas for Officeworks rebranding Officeworks

yeah Officeworks had a podcast we were talking about it way back years ago we wanted to get on it and yeah I sent them several messages

and they were like oh yeah sounds interesting let's talk about this down the track and I was like okay how about this again

and they were like, no. No way. Yeah, I doubt it lasted more than about four episodes. Yes, I completely agree. Okay, thanks to everyone anonymous that sent all that bullshit in. Let's get on to the next point of order. The un-anonymous segment of the podcast. Speaking of office equipment,

this is the most important bit of office equipment that we have in this office, at our workplace. And that is the UTA, the Untitled, Unplanned Title Alternator. And of course, that is to give thanks to everyone that goes to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club and chucks some shekels in every week to us. Keeps the lights on.

You get bonus episodes. You get heaps of them at the moment, of course, with a very important part of Australia locked down at the moment. It's extra needed in our fucked little state. Well, the comedy capital of the country in lockdown. That's right. But everyone needs comedy anyway. Everyone's desperate for comedy.

Yeah, look, as we've been talking about, we're in Melbourne and Comedy City, and it's not particularly amazing as we've been talking about no you know we're in melbourne and uh comedy city and it's not particularly uh amazing as we speak um but yeah we we had that brief little glimpse of like when we had comedy rooms open for like a month or four weeks and you could only have like 15 people in them yeah and um now we're not even allowed to have our shit comedy rooms anymore we're not even allowed to have those 15 people rooms anymore. We're not even allowed to have those 15 people. Yep. But having said that, very nice to be watching TV and watching like Adelaide or Perth football

and there just being a lazy 30,000 people in the stadium. Fuck. And us going, we're not even allowed to have a shit comedy night. Yeah. We don't even know how to have two people around. Yeah. Fuck. Anyway.

Yeah, we don't live an hour to have two people around. Yeah, fuck. Anyway. But what we can do for people in Melbourne and, of course, for everyone else, especially for everyone's mental health in Perth when you're crying because your stadium's been limited to only 30,000 people in it and it's doing your head in that they won't let the other 10,000 people in. Yeah. We can pump out extra content, which is what we're doing. Two bonus episodes a

week at the moment two bonus mini episodes a week and they've been going pretty good um and of course every week we try and make good to everyone eventually by reading out their name and thanking them individually and being completely complimentary to their name uh and let's do that again this week um i'll hit the big red button on the UTA that keeps everything completely random and fair. That's something that someone could post to us, a new big red button. This one's pretty chipped. The paint's started to kind of, you know, it's been worked so hard. It's kind of starting to fade and there's bits of it that aren't even red anymore.

It gets pressed, you know, up to 200 to 300 times a week. Exactly. On this show. Depends how busy we are. So, yes, it is a little bit worn. It's a little bit, sort of a bit more like faded orange at the moment, from what I heard orange is like. But, all right, let's crack.

First cab off the rank this week. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Chris Maudsley. Maudsley. M-A-U-D-S-L-E-Y. Not. Not. Maudsley. Not my first choice of cards that I'd want dealt to me.

Bit of a bummer. Yeah. Bit of a bummer of a name. It is a bit of a downer, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It's not making me feel any better about anything. Maud.

I guess I'm thinking Maudlin. Yeah. I mean, that's it, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. So he's like not fully Maud. He's just Maud's Lee. You know, just a tad.

Yeah, yeah. Just a tad Maudlin. Chris Depressy. Yeah. It's like, it's not depressing, but it does remind me of being depressed. It's in the ballpark. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a reason why we're not jumping up and down about this name.

We're being instructed by the name itself. What is a name that would make you jump up and down? Chris Fireworksy, I guess. Yeah, that's pretty good. That's pretty cool. I hope we get one of them. Fireworks would be good. Yeah.

I mentioned that as a last name. I hope there's some more positive names coming. Because as we mentioned, you know, it's pretty grim down in Melbourne at the moment. I don't think we need any names like this coming through. With any... Morale's pretty... I think I speak for most people in Victoria. You know, we hit another PB in the old case numbers today.

Yeah. Morale's at an all-time low down here. So, Chris Maudsley, thanks for the money, but I wish you'd fuck off. Don't need this coming into my house right now. Exactly. Guys, if you've got depressing names, please don't give us any money. We don't want to deal with this sort of stuff. Simon, neck yourself.

Don't subscribe. Hold off for a couple of months until we can weather it. Yeah, Gary, head in the oven. Guys, just, you know, maybe after this is all finished, you can subscribe again. But at the moment, if you could just fucking settle down. Chris Maudsley. Yeah, it's...

I don't know. I think... There's Maudsleys from Maribor. I don't think this person's from Maribor. I think there's another Maudsley that subscribes to us from Maribborough originally, which I do find weird. Anyone from Maryborough being into this show is –

my hometown is a bit of a weird thing. Isn't that – I was thinking about that the other day. With our current situation with us, you're not supposed to be going – moving suburbs in Melbourne at the moment. You're not supposed to be going you know moving suburbs in melbourne at the moment you're not supposed to be sort of going your people are getting in trouble for traveling for for you know silly reasons and whatever just going a couple of suburbs across and thinking you know fuck this time of year we're usually in thailand or whatever but you you know like we're like we're saying about the comedy rooms, you can't even have 15 people at the moment.

We can't even go to Maribor to do a podcast. I know, yeah. You know, people going to Maribor, us thinking about that live show we did in Maribor two or three years ago, now it's like, oh, it must be nice. Think about all the time we spent complaining about Adelaide. Yeah. Wouldn't that be nice?

Yeah. If the border wasn't closed. Yeah. Why haven't... I was thinking this today so just to go a bit inside baseball with with comedy so there's no gigs going in melbourne at all no there's gigs going in all other states to varying degrees at the moment stand-up comedy gigs yes um what this the most comedians in australia live in melbourne so everyone's going without work yes why hasn't someone just done a runner just before the you know the fucking the indiana jones style

fucking gate went down why didn't someone slide under the fucking gate and run off to perth and just camp there for a couple of months and get you know do gigs yeah That's a good question. If I didn't have a podcast and I was just a pro, purely stand-up, surely you could have done like the AFL has done at the moment and just relocate for a couple of months. Relocate comedy.

Yeah. I could have moved Spleen to Perth. That would have been good. Yeah, I wonder why that hasn't happened. Except it would have been full of Perth comedians. Yeah, that's true. I mean, I guess you'd have to ask anyone that we know that's in a position that just makes their living off

stand up and go, hey, no offence, but why didn't you do this? Why did you fuck up your life so badly? Yeah, why did you stay in a place where there's no comedy? I mean, I guess it did all happen relatively quickly, I suppose. I mean, we saw it was going pretty badly, but I don't think we really thought we fucked this hard for this long but i think if

that was on top of your mind like where neither of us are like you know we don't make the majority of our money from stand-up stand-up comedy purely so if that was on the forefront of my mind and it was like if i if i if i was a baker and and you know they were cooking bread in the bakeries open in perth and it was like pretty and they were cooking bread, bakeries were open in Perth and it was pretty clear they were going to close all the Brumbies and Baker's Delights in Melbourne. I would have been fucking absolutely hot stepping over the Nullarbor. Yeah. But then again, most comedians are fucked in the head,

so maybe they just... But then you'd be... Not smart enough. But then you're trapped in Perth. Sure, you're earning money, but you're stuck there. God knows when you'll be out. I guess that's probably the thinking for a lot of people, quite seriously, is like,

God knows when I'd be able to get back in. I reckon back then... You know those people that, like, in the UK went to fucking Magaluf, and now they're, like, stranded there? What's Magaluf? It's like, it's in Spain, I believe. It's like their... It's their equivalent of, like, the Gold Coast or whatever.

Right. Where it's like, you see all, like, the school leavers go there and just get absolutely sideways right there's like a whole bunch of people were there for the weekend and then you know they were allowed to travel between there and then they got over there and the british government's gone i you actually can't come back in now it's all fucked again or if you sorry when you do you've got to quarantine for two weeks on the other side and they're like, it's safer here than it is there. We're not bringing anything back. Like there's less cases here.

I've got to say, it sounds like the dream. Yeah, look, it doesn't sound entirely awful. Stuck in a place that's 10 degrees warmer than where you're coming from and where there's no disease. Typical whinging palms. Oh no, I want to get back over there to fucking cock foresters. Yeah, yeah. Well, I say that with Perth.

Like Perth's looking pretty good to me at the moment. I was talking to people from Perth and they're like, yeah, you sort of, it's pretty easy to forget that this fucking thing's happening over there. I think they felt that way at the beginning of it though too. They never really got hit all that hard by the restrictions and stuff, as is my understanding. But yeah, I'd love to be over there hitting those

beautiful beaches. Yeah. Someday. Someday soon. Oh man, imagine the first live show we do again. If we just fucking bolt into state. Go somewhere. Don't mind it. Yeah. It's probably more of a chance than

doing anything here. Yeah. I reckon too. I reckon we bolt to Perth. I can mind it. Yeah. It's probably more of a chance than doing anything here. Yeah. I reckon too. I reckon we'd bolt to Perth. I can't wait. Yeah. That'd be pretty cool. Just let...

Can you drive to Perth? Do you reckon we could drive? I looked it up the other day, actually. I have often thought I'd like to do it. It'd be pretty fun. Like, take some time, stop along the way. A friend of mine did it. He, like, lived over there for a bit and, like, drove the N nullabore and stopped off at some pretty gnarly towns on the way it

sounded pretty fun it would be fun i think blakey told me the other day he was because you know you don't know what planes are going to cost and whatever coming up he was talking talking about potentially driving to perth for christmas and i looked it up to see how long it would take you driving to Perth for Christmas. And I looked it up to see how long it would take you. And if you don't go crazy, it basically takes you like five days to drive there. Without doing an insane... Without driving 10, 12 hours.

This is like, I think that's based on about seven or eight hours a day of driving. And then you probably, you stop it in some pretty interesting places along the way. That's the thing I'd like about it. You'd see parts of the country that you'd never see otherwise. That drive we did through America was fucking awesome. The dream is to stay at some fucking crazy Edamoga pub style accommodation.

Some absolute shanty in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. And just getting fucking blind with weird locals. Totally. Yeah. blind with weird locals totally yeah yeah that would be the and just having fucking meat and no vegetables for your for your counter meals that's it i mean my friend who did that drive their car broke down along the nullabore yeah at a really remote part of it and like that would be i think i'd have to like hire a car or like get it new car or like something. There's no way I'd do it in my car. That would be, I would be

fucking terrified of that happening. Well, remember we did that in America. We drove sort of from one side to the other years ago. But we did that thing where you read about and it seems like a very doable thing where it's like, oh yeah, you just hire a car at one end and then you just drop it off

at the same hire company at the other end of the country. So yeah, it doable but they charge you basically you're basically buying a car like we could charge quite a bit of money for that oh really yeah yeah right i wonder if that's the same here i would imagine it would be i mean i'm sure you pay a bit more but yeah but well no but i mean then you're driving back so you just I wouldn't want to dump it. Well, yeah. Actually, yeah, you're right. See, that's the problem. Drive it, have it there, and then bring it back.

That's the problem is driving it back. Because it's all fun and games when you're doing that. But coming back, you're going, I've done this before. This is a fucking hard yakka. Yeah, that's true. That's not fun. Maybe coming back, you just do the mental hours where you just go. You do it in three days.

Yeah. It's a big trip. If you drive five days and then you hang out in Perth for what? Five days? And then you come home? Four or five days? It's a long time to be away. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. Anyway. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Chris Maudsley. I don't know what the fuck we were doing there. Hey, we started with Maudlin and we ended up in beautiful, sunny Perth on the beach. We got depressed and then we just talked ourselves out

of our depression thinking of like a some sort of Shangri-La some sort of fucking dream destination that got us out of this fucking comedy hellhole that Melbourne

is at the moment. Felt good. Yeah, all of a sudden we were living in Perth, we were driving along the Nullarbor, eating pork chops in the

sun. Oh, can't wait. Thanks Maudo. Now I'll always think of your name positively. I was thinking of blow flies being shoot off a big fucking dead kangaroo as I'm on the sitting on, on a tractor that's sitting on top of a pub in the middle of fucking nowhere. Damn,

this trip sounds awesome. I know. Fuck. Just a, just a fucking big cold pint in the middle of nowhere. Oh, blistering sun. Fuck.

Yes. Sounds excellent. All right. Thanks, Chris. Thanks for conjuring that oasis for us. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jess Newton. Newton. I do phonetically like this a lot better.

Yes. Yes. Newton, a guy I went to school with. He was the school captain, in fact. Nice guy. So I've already got much more positive associations with this name than I do with old Mordo. Yeah. Jess, I like it as a girl's name.

Yeah. Yeah. It's, I would say, if I may, I would say it's a more attractive sounding name it's one of the it's one of the the more attractive sounding names for a girl it's definitely over the over the 50 percentile yes it's kind of like a stereotype like go to like if you're writing a script or whatever and you wanted to have you you know you want a character that's like maybe it's a high school drama or you know teen romp and you want a hot girl character name yeah it's probably jess okay i think jess is in the mix for sure yeah yeah yeah oh that's good yeah it's good that

that it's it's founded in something um yeah yeah i quite like it i think and especially seeing jess now yeah if I was a Jessica I'd go with Jess I've never really thought about it before But I'm thinking about it now Whether you'd go the full Jessica Or just Jess Yeah, Jess

I like Jess now I'll go with that Well, and also, of course The hottest chick of all time Jessica Rabbit Oh I thought you were going to say Jessica Simpson for a minute

My generation's Pammy yeah well that's what I was thinking I was thinking you got the hottest chick the hottest

chick of all time I'm like Jess Anderson how's this going to work and then I went Pam Anderson Jessica Simpson

that's the closest Jess to Pam Anderson this friend of mine is just a guy who's truly on another planet, and he keeps tweeting at Kanye West in a way that he thinks Kanye's actually going to see, like as if he's got a direct line. He keeps being like, brother, stuff's clearly going on.

Take all the time you need. Really? Step out of the spotlight. Really? For as long as you need. It's really not healthy. Or when Kanye's gone on tears in the past he's like yeah i've got this new album coming out but he won't say anything more about it he'll just tweet you should call the album this

right this should be the cover wow but they're not based on anything they're just like deranged like right like at one point he was saying is he called the new album neverland not based on anything is he trying to make kanye feel better because he's not the biggest nutcase on Twitter anymore compared to this cunt? Maybe that is what it is. But what made me think of it was, so this friend, his Twitter profile picture at the moment is of Pamela Anderson. Great. So it's just like, first of all, it's one thing to get that. Like me and my friend, me and a mutual friend of this person were obsessed with the idea

that you see an interview with Kanye in three years' time where he's like, yeah, look, I was on the edge. I was about to do something really drastic. And then I obviously get thousands of Twitter mentions a minute. But I just, for whatever reason, I got on there and this one stuck out to me. This picture of Pamela Anderson. Pamela was actually talking to me.

Yeah, and I was like, I've J-O'd to this woman many times in my life. She was telling me to step back from the public profile. Really, everything changed on that day. And I was like, you know, she would know because she knows Julian Assange. He's got WikiLeaks. He knows what's going on. So, like, the advice has probably come from him to her. She's telling me great okay yeah

this is what to do exactly great advice um yeah what if what if um what if you met pamela anderson that's the end of the question i think that's it um i guess I'd be pretty intimidated. I'd like to think... Who's... I think she'd be a good hang, honestly. I think she might be a bit nuts. Yeah, but, you know, she'd be fun nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She'd be good on this.

Yeah, she'd be okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She seems like she's someone who you could have in the mix of something like this, where you wouldn't have to be too worried about, like... I think she'd get in the mix pretty something like this where you wouldn't have to be too worried about like i think she'd get in the mix pretty quickly yeah you think there was someone there was someone similar not very long ago that i was like you know uh would like you know thought maybe i should maybe i should attempt to get this person on the pod and then someone who had worked with them said to me yeah nah okay too crazy interesting i was like oh that's a shame so people can guess as to who that was but um i have a i have a yeah i have a

vague idea oh really yeah i don't know though but pami i don't know yeah what about this for a question then you said your generation generation, back a few generations, when you were growing up, I guess, is what you were saying, Jessica Simpson was the Pammy of that era. Who's Pammy of 2020? Who's today's Pammy? That's a good question because, I mean, I wasn't being completely serious about Jessica Simpson being my generation's Pammy.

But then I don't quite know who is. Pammy is such a singular figure. Yeah. In a way that I don't really know that... Her big breakout thing is just being this incredibly hot woman on this big network TV yeah where she's in a bikini for the entire show she is completely designed to be the hottest person in the world that's that's her purpose in that show so there's hot people now of course but like in terms of just that broad breaking out in the same way yeah i don't really know if that method of delivery really exists yeah yeah there's

there's no vehicle like baywatch where it's like, this person is here to be hot. It's just someone like Emily Ratajkowski or something. Oh, yeah. Someone who's just like hot on Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even that, that doesn't quite feel like the same thing. No.

No, she, yeah, she's just extremely attractive rather than doing quite the same job that Pammy did. Well, and it's also, you know, it's disappointing that that is the platform. That is the broad, like, way of someone like that getting out there to the world. It's just a social media platform. Yeah. It's not quite, it doesn't quite have the charm to it of someone reverse engineering a sitcom not a sitcom a series yeah where they're like let's just have what what how can we possibly have this woman wearing as little as possible every episode yeah oh we'll set it on the beach yeah problem solved still remember where i was when i first discovered pamela anderson

so yeah i'm because i'm a, she's like slightly before my, so she's just kind of always been there for me. Yeah. There was no point of discovery. I was at high school

and we went to a corner shop and there was, I never watched Baywatch but there was, I was with friends and they got some magazine and they were just showing me pictures

of her going, you know this chick from Baywatch and I'm like, I have no idea what that is. Yeah. But it stuck with me And I'm like, I have no idea. What that is. What that is. Yeah. But it stuck with me.

And I was like, yeah, you're right. That blonde woman with huge breasts is attractive. I guess I agree with you guys. Yeah, yeah. I mean, this is out of context. I haven't seen the show, but I guess I can see what you see in her. I guess she's probably hot on the show like she is in these pictures. Yeah.

We've probably talked about this on the show before, but remember when she was in the Big Brother house and all the contestants thought they were going to fuck her? And she was like 40 and she was 40 plus. Yeah. That's the thing that sometimes sticks in my mind about her. She was slightly different from what you would think. She wasn't, when she blew up on Baywatch, she was like 28 or what you would think she wasn't when when when she blew up on baywatch she was like 28 or something yeah right she wasn't some ingenue you know she wasn't someone

you're like 19 19 20 21 whatever she was like pushing 30 you know but again that's what i mean it's just it's a different era that it's hard to say well who is the who is the Pammy of today? Yeah. So, yeah, she was 40 plus and it was just all these fucking dickheads. These 22-year-old dickheads going, I think I'm going to fuck Pamela Anderson. Genuinely thought, A, they're going to fuck her and B, they're going to fuck her in a show where there's cameras in every room. Yeah, yeah. Just because she's in a famous sex tape once. Yeah. cameras in every room. Yeah, yeah.

Just because she's in a famous sex tape once, she's going to be down for getting drilled by some fucking slob in a communal bedroom. Having said that, if you look at the list of her paramours, there's no absolute fucking great names in there. I told you this. They're all dirtbags. Yeah, true. I told you this.

I was watching with my girlfriend the rebooted The Hills, the old reality MTV show, and there's this guy on it. He's bought a house and he's talking to the camera like, oh, yeah, my mum's coming around. And, you know, I'm pretty nervous about her seeing my house because she's got pretty high tastes and all this kind of stuff. And, you know, also it's been a bit weird growing up with my mum knowing that all these different people have jacked off to her over the years.

You're like, what an odd thing to say. And then his mum shows up and it's Pammy. It's Pammy's son who's in the show. Fucking wild. Wow. She's out there in the mix. She's turning up on her son's reality show. She knows what she's doing.

She knows how to play the cameras. It's great. That is funny that he's well aware of that, obviously, of the outside world's perception to his mum. To think that every time he sees her, most times he sees men, they find out that he's the son of Pamela. And their immediate thought is, I wish I'd made you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny.

I wish I was your dad. Not because I love you. I just want to do the deed. Do you think it would ruin jacking off for you? Like every time you did it, you'd be thinking, this is what millions of people have done to my mum. Yeah, that'd be interesting. It'd be cruising for porn, having to avoid your mum.

That's very true. Yeah, very true. That is funny. I wonder what age he was, what his first memory is of someone saying to him, I've jaded to your mother. Do you reckon he's just got net nanny on purpose on his own computer to make sure he doesn't see his mum in the nude?

Yep, yep. Got the muted terms. Fuck. He's just had to jack off using his imagination his whole life. Yep. Too risky. Too risky. Fuck.

What a life. Yeah. Just in case. Too risky. Fuck. What a life. That's so funny. In case he not only stumbles over seeing his mum in the nude, but seeing his dad's dick go into his mum as well. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Wow.

That's amazing. Right. Well, thanks, Jess. Thanks, Nuto. Thank you to patreon subscriber well well well thank you to speaking of

we hadn't mentioned him before thank you to bernard thomas kicked a big one bernard oh wow yeah

fuck thank god this name came up i know we didn't we hadn't mentioned it jesus christ but yes

have we have we kicked a big big one bernard this week yeah this week that's the question i believe so yeah from our memory Jesus Christ. Yes. Have we kicked a big one, Bernard? This week? Yeah, this week. That's the question. I believe so. Good.

From our memory. I believe so. Yep. Thanks. That's good. I hope Bernard Thomas agrees with us. Let us know. Boy, he must be wrapped with this semi-recent development of a catchphrase on the show.

It's like he's part of it every week. Well, maybe he doesn't like Bernie. I mean, he's distinctly noted down as Bernard here, which is a bit of a wasted opportunity, I think. Would you, yeah, what would you go for? Well, there's two references to this show in his name. Bernard Thomas, that's you. That is me.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, it's just a shame. It's just a bizarre alias. It's just a shame that there's no mention of Carl or they've done it again as a middle name. Yeah. That would be good. That would be really good.

Bernard, they've done it again, Thomas. T-D-I-A. Yeah. Taddea. Yeah. Bernard Taddea Thomas. It's a very distinguished sounding name. Bernard.

It sounds like a lecturer at a university. Bernard to Bernie. It's a little bit similar to your name, ironically. Tommy and Thomas. Thomas to Tommy. You know, look, I think maybe, you know, if you hit 40 and you might go, right, I'm going by Thomas. Well, you know, you've got history. The odds are stacked against me.

You've got history. You know, you might go, right, well, it's time for Thomas. Time for Thomas instead of Tommy from now on. You know, this is the thing. I think, you know, I would definitely go as a young man, Bernie. I'd definitely go Bernie over Bernard. But then, you know, once you get some elbow patches on your little grey jacket and whatever and, you know, move out to the suburbs, it's like, well, maybe it's time for Bernard.

But maybe it's kind of future-proofing yourself in the way that people have a – men quite commonly have a midlife crisis, you know, where they realize their youth has escaped them. Or run off to Southeast Asia. Yeah, they do things like they cheat on their partner or they buy a Ferrari, they get a significantly younger girlfriend, they start dressing much younger,

all those kinds of things. Maybe I'm protected from that because I'm always, you know, if I stay as a Tommy, I'm just doing that. You know what I mean? I'm protecting myself from all that stuff. I'm kind of future-proofing myself in that way.

A real Peter Pan attempt there. Exactly. Tommy Pan. Yep. I only ever want to drive a shit car and root the same old broad for the rest of my life. The same shit old man clothes. I'm ready to start shopping at Rivers from about 34, I reckon. What does happen if you never grow up?

What do you do for a midlife crisis? How does it work? It just doesn't happen. Or it goes, does it get pushed into your later years? Or what does that happen? Do you then, are you buying, are you trying to root a teenager when you're fucking 68 or something instead? So the idea of having a midlife crisis in what your, you know,

mid-40s or whatever it is it's but it's probably based around generationally the idea that you're getting married late 20s yeah 30s probably so you've been married for 10 something years you've been with that same person a very long time had kids for a while and you just you start to look back and your early 20s and your youth and you're getting out there and fucking around just seems like such a long time ago and you're realizing not even that much of it has passed there's still heaps to go yep but i'm never gonna have that fun again it's a it's regrets is what it is yeah it's the impossible dream maybe that the perfect life or whatever where you go oh well you know i know i had fun but maybe i didn't have enough fun maybe i didn't do this this. Or maybe I, at the time, I thought that was,

I'm going to live forever. I've got time to do this and this. And then you realize you don't have time to do all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. So. That is pretty funny though. Someone who settles down at 45 and then just, yeah, at age 68,

full midlife crisis. Yeah. But it's like, dude, just ride it out. You're sort of nearly done at this point anyway. Yeah. Don't worry about it. Yeah. Yeah.

You just did whatever you wanted for 44 years and then go, well, you know, that could be me. Yeah. That could be me. 60, 68. A four-fifth life crisis. I haven't been to Koh Samui in 20 years. Exactly.

Yeah. That would be, that would be, I don't, I don't doubt it. I don't, I'm, I'm not putting money against it. Against what? You still going to Koh Samui? No, no, no, no. Me, me, me getting to that age and going, oh yeah, but I could have done more podcast festivals. I could have done, oh, come on guys, let's get the gang back together.

Yeah. Tommy died 20 years ago. Yeah. I'm a head in a jar. Yeah. My, my, um, my taxidermy corpse is in the Australian podcasting museum. Yeah. Yeah. Tommy died 20 years ago. Yeah, I'm a head in a jar. Yeah. My taxidermied corpse is in the Australian Podcasting Museum. Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to smuggle it through.

Yeah. And I'm getting on border security Thailand, the TV show. Exactly. Why have you got this man, Thomas? Why have you got this man, Thomas, stuffed and mounded? Why are you trying to get him through to Koh Samui? He's the podcast mascot. Come on, guys.

We need him there. Yeah. Don't you know, this was the number one income for this island for three years straight. Yeah. I'm going to go and get cheap surgery in Bangkok to get him reanimated. It's too expensive in the Western world, but over there, I reckon they can do it for pretty cheap. What if it was, you know, was i was trying to you know um get

everything that i thought you you wanted i you know i was bringing your corpse through i was getting your your penis extended in bangkok just dodgy surgery stuff so i was like i feel like he wanted this done at the time but really it's just you in thailand which is just what you want yeah yeah i was happy to die so you've brought me back to life. Penis just bruised and stitched up. I'm like, please, Carl, just let me die. Let me die. Let me die with dignity.

No, no, no, no. Come and hang out with me. Come on. Nick Carr's getting here soon. You'll love it. God. Fuck. Well, thanks.

Thanks. Who was that? Bernie. Oh, thanks, Bernie. God, how did I forget? Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Pat Murray. Hmm.

I had a Pat recently on the show, I believe. Pat, because I'm always interested in Pat over Patrick. Hmm. Pat Murray. One of the, I'm sure I've said this, but one of the small suite of musicians who I have a photograph of me after waiting at the side stage door for. Who? Mr. Pete Murray.

Oh, right. Pete Murray. What a fucking loser. When I was like 17, I lined up after a concert to get a photo with Pete Murray. I fucking loved Pete Murray. Yeah, you taste change. You're a Jami get a photo with Pete Murray. I fucking loved Pete Murray. Yeah, your tastes change. You're a Jamiroquai and Pete Murray fan. What would you classify?

Jamiroquai I still chuck on and go, these guys slap. But Pete Murray, not so much. Pete Murray, what do you classify his music as? His star burnt pretty brightly pretty quickly, didn't it? He had a monster hit on that first album. And then I think his second album did pretty well as well. And then now not so much. I don't think any.

I mean, it's probably like, you know. Just a very well-off beach bum. He's just like Tom from Myspace, just cruising around the world. Yeah. With a pretty decent little wedge. Yeah. Byron Bay kind of aesthetic folk sort of came off the back of when like jack johnson and yeah yeah um fuck who's that other cunt um pete murray yeah yeah yeah now who was the other guy in that crew

with um not john butler no not john butler uh anyway oh ben folds oh okay no no a bit different ben harper jack johnson yeah that whole kind of yeah you know he's gone from he's gone from tommy dasso lining up to meet him to get a photo with him at stage door to these days 20 years later or whatever it is to um him being the cunt pulling out his acoustic guitar at a bonfire and people going fuck off mate yeah yeah nah nah guys come on we'll play you think people are still being like that? Not even, there's no one there even vaguely impressed like, I mean, this guy was nominated for Arias and stuff.

No, no. This is kind of cool that we get a private show. No, they're saying, are you playing Pete Murray? Fuck this shit. Yeah, okay. Okay. Yeah, he probably is. Yeah.

I know, maybe he's. He's gone. He's gone. Yeah. I feel like he did put something out relatively recently because I was reading it. I think I may have read an interview with him in an in-flight magazine, which I'm sure that's pretty much the bulk of the press that he's getting these days. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, your in-flight Jetstar magazine, they're wrapped to get like that. Maybe not even Jetstar. Maybe he's more Qantas these days. You're older. You're older demo. Yeah. A lot of 25-year-olds reading the Jetstar thing going, who the fuck's this old crusty cunt?

Did I ever talk about when I was in Japan two years ago, we were in a really small bar, and there was a group of Germans that we were chatting to, and they were like, oh, we love Australian music music and we're like oh okay what what's your favorite australian band they go the cat empire this huge cat empire had heads which we just thought was so bizarre yeah yeah yeah there's people that are in australia that have forgotten they exist yeah yeah i was those sort of people i never i wasn't that i wasn't on board with cat and boy when they came out it was that thing you know when you're in the fucking eye of the storm

of like popular music you can you sort of can cover where they started where they where they got to and then their decline sort of thing you sort of you can chart all that sort of stuff but when someone like that i was only sort of vaguely aware of them when they got successful so i never really knew where their apex was. So I don't really know where they stand now. They just sort of like gone now, are they? No, they're still around. They tour a lot.

Like they, I think the reason why these people in Germany would know them, they early on, they toured heaps. Like they toured everywhere in the world and they were really popular in a lot of European countries. Like they were one of those bands that would just go and commit to just being overseas for eight months of the year back when it was hard to do like 2003 when you couldn't rely on the internet or whatever yeah so i think they did all they got pretty i think they had enough success in like festivals in europe that they've still got a bit of oh yeah a bit of a fan base over there well what about um like i said tom from myspace now that is a life you know you know what

he does now so he sold myspace for a very pretty penny back in what what was it oh that had been 10 plus years ago so he sold that thing and then he from from what i believe purely like just travels the world fucking around now wow and so he's on twitter maybe i'm not sure if he's on instagram love that yeah he's on that stuff just going cool no i did my thing and that's it yeah so you know he sold it for fucking you know a couple hundred mil or whatever he did and you know the dream it's not like he can even look at myspace and sort of go oh fuck they've built it up another level. No, it crashed and burned. It just ended.

It's fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he truly did get out at the right time. Got up at the top of the roller coaster and just fucking jumped off there and didn't see it go all the way down. And you've got to love anyone that goes, you know, I think a lot of people would have a thing if they were in that position. They buy out, they get a lot of money.

Okay, well, this is just the start of the story. What's next? What's the next chapter? What am I investing this in? Or I'm starting a new thing. You've got to respect anyone that just doesn't care how old or young they are, just goes, no, that's it, I'm out. I'm out of the workforce forever at age 25 and just like publicly going like,

yep, I'm never going to work again. It should be celebrated as the best story. Like people go about Rupert Murdoch and whatever. Oh, he owns all this stuff. Who gives a fuck? How much money can you spend? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cares? Like, you know, he's just an old cunt

who tries to marry someone, a younger woman who hates him every decade or so. Who gives a fuck? And then he turns all his kids into cunts. Yeah, there's some people that have, like, insane workaholic compulsions, which I'm sure probably a lot of that like high business stuff feeds into but then someone like that got like tom going yeah you know what i got lucky yeah i hit the fucking jackpot yeah i'm not dumb enough

to think i can fucking make this over again on a new venture and like what's the point of wanting to get a lot of money if not to just kick back and do sick shit and not worry about anything it's pretty cool not only that but it seems like what he's done now is so he travels a lot and just goes to fucking cool places so his hobby that he's his little skill that he's sort of put his time and effort into his photography so not only is he doing cool stuff he's developed the school the skill to make what he's doing look even cooler now yeah yeah right he's putting up on twitter and instagram whatever where he is and it's like is that even on earth that looks like awesome blurry front front facing camera bullshit no no no it looks awesome respect he's it's the full um man what what a fucking lie peaked at

31 or whatever the fuck he was and then went, I'm out, boys. Yep. And just doing a few laps of the planet. Yep. Going to fucking cool places. The absolute dream. Yeah. Man, Tom from MySpace.

Fuck. If you're out there, if you're listening, salute. I was thinking about... It was always so funny that he was like The default account And that like Picture of him Is so iconic Yes

It's the worst photo Yes It's so shit You're trying to Put a whiteboard Yeah yeah With like shit on it I just remember

Getting on there And being like Who the fuck is this guy I didn't even know That it was the guy That started it I was like What the fuck's this guy doing

I was thinking of this Literally today I was thinking of this Literally today I'm like I was thinking about Putting this up once a week just on Facebook. Just my own top eight friends. Oh, yeah, that's pretty good.

Just changing it every week and just going, what, you know, remember that when you used to have to rate your friends? If you did it, if you designed it too, if you did like as an image of everyone's profile pic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people are moving up and down. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people are moving up and down. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How funny would that be? Yeah.

Because how ridiculous was that that you were rating your friends back then? That was insane. I remember doing it. I remember like going, oh yeah, you just do this. You just number your friends in order of who you like the most. Were you ever in a relationship? And you're making it public. Yeah.

Were you in a relationship for any of those MySpace days? Because I was for a lot of it. So I would have been like 19, 20 and in a relationship then and that was just like, well, girlfriend has to be number one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't get out of that.

Meanwhile, me and her, right, I'm bouncing around all over the place. Oh, are you? Yeah, I'm getting shuffled down to eight some weeks. But if I dare, you know, I'd put my friend Drew in there for a day. She'd notice it.

Get an angry phone call. Great. All right, you're back up to number one. Oh, seven though. That's interesting. But would you say that? Would you say, why am I seven? Why am I not in the top six in return?

You've got to be number one and I don't. I think I knew better than to fight. I was like, I don't really understand what's going on. Right. Okay. Fuck that. No, I don't really understand what's going on. Right. Okay. Fuck that. No, I don't think. This girlfriend was not really, there was never much of a debate.

Right. She was not up for much of a discussion. Right. Not up for hearing about things that she may have done wrong. Right. Okay. No, I don't think I was never in a proper relationship during the MySpace days. I don't think that ever.

No. But that was a funny thing where that was classic. Because I would always think like, well, yeah, you're my girlfriend. As if it fucking matters whether you're in the top eight or not. It just goes without saying.

It should almost just be a different thing. You should just be pinned to the top of my page. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my partner. Yeah. But nah, you gotta have... Yeah. Gotta have them as number one.

Have your girlfriend with the asterisk. I'm sure this is the topic we'll hear about this week. Yeah. Relationship fights of people's MySpace top eights. Happy to hear them. What about this? What about this? After this, for the next couple of weeks,

I'll put up the top eight guests of the show every week on the social medias. What do you think about that? Is that good? Start my dum-dum and everyone's first friend is Carl. Yes. Instead, it's the bottom eight. Eight people you hate the most. Oh, yeah.

That would be good. Yeah. That would be fucking great. Top eight shit cunts. Yeah, fuck. That would be great. I would love that. Fuck, can someone make that for me? That would be fucking great top eight shit cunts every yeah fuck that would be great i would love that fuck can someone make that for me that'd be awesome that's the only function any it's like a ripoff of myspace but just you shred every other bit of it yeah no glittery bullshit on the backdrop of your yeah yeah no bands involved yeah no streaming songs just just just the top eight shit cunt friends. That'd be good.

But, yeah, top eight dum-dum guests. Do that for a couple of weeks. Yeah, sure. Will that be just my choice or do you want to work with me? We could do four each. Oh, yeah? Okay. All right, we'll do it.

Okay. We'll do it. How long do we do this for? You know, for a couple of weeks. You can't do it for one week because it's like, oh yeah, you want to do it for the second week so you can see whether people go up or down. Yeah. We need to pick a note, like four or five weeks or something.

That's enough for it to kind of change interestingly enough. Yeah. Month. We'll do a month. Yeah, okay. Yeah, all right. Yeah. Yeah, all right.

Maybe every Thursday maybe because then you can hear this episode and then we'll do that. And that might influence it? Yeah. Well, we could debate it on here because I don't think this bit is going for long enough each week. Yeah, this is going for long enough right now. Okay, thanks, Pat.

Let's just do one more. This has gone for too long, I think. Fifth and final, final I believe this week thank you to Patreon subscriber Tom Comedy okay great is this the guy

who started comedy and then bought out My Comedy he started he started up My Comedy in front of the whiteboard that just had ideas for one liners on it

yeah yeah and he just cruises around Melbourne just going to Melbourne comedy rooms now right right and just just takes

terrible photos of closed ones with no one in them yeah it's a real shit life he should kill himself alright well thanks Tom and thanks everyone

who supports the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club is where you can do that get a bonus episode two bonus episodes a week I should say head to littledumbdumbclub. where you can do that. Get a bonus episode. Two bonus episodes a week, I should say.

Head to littledumbdumbclub.com for what's left of the masks. They'll be sold out very quickly, so don't miss out on one of them and all the other merch that we have. And look at some of the previous episodes that we have on there. Yes. We've gone back into the vaults and been uploading some stuff that was not on the website yet. Yep.

It's very easy to go back and have a look at everyone's faces and pick that way. Yeah. A much more fun way of doing it. So get into that. All right. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.