The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 515 - Gareth Reynolds & Nina Oyama

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Zooming in from two sides of the apocalypse, it's GARETH REYNOLDS and NINA OYAMA! We chat to Gareth about his daily habits in LA right now, before getting into Nina's unconventional method for storing drugs at a music festival. We also get horny for vacuum cleaners and try and help Karl work out what size of pants he wears, which takes way, way longer than it should. PLUS a special guest joins us for the CBS mailbag in Talking Dum Dum! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Gareth Reynolds and Nina Oyama. We are officially doing it again live on Zoom, Saturday, August the 29th at 8.30pm. What's the occasion for this live show, Carl? Um, it's your birthday, Tommy! You requested, you said to me, we have to celebrate my birth and i was like i don't know tommy and you said i demand it i want people this is to sing to me this is all i want this is all thousands of people to sing to me and send me presents live and i said well okay you're the boss tommy so that's what we're doing wow Wow. I didn't say that at all, but wow, thousands of people tuning in feels good

because we're going to make a lot of money off it. And then those thousands of people also sending me presents. Okay. All right. But grudgingly, I guess I could be into this. We're in. So littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets. We'll talk a little bit more about that at the end of the episode.

But until then, enjoy this new episode with Gareth Reynolds and Nina Oyama. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. We've got two very special guests joining us today.

Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Nina Oyama and Gareth Reynolds. Yes. Hello. Comedy. Whoa, you guys are fucking psyched. Nice. Yeah, it's great. We really are covering all ends of the spectrum.

We've got Nina's allowed outside. She's in Sydney. She's very graciously agreeing to sit in her bedroom and do a podcast, even though she could be doing all manner of things. We've got us in Melbourne. Yeah, no mask. Yeah, we're back in Melbourne. We're wearing masks and stuff.

It's a bit of a bummer. And then we've got Gareth beaming in from ground zero of the apocalypse just on the front lines for us. USA, baby! Number one! Number one! Gareth Reynolds from Wuhan, California. God bless this mess, Carl.

You can see the four horsemen riding into shot behind you in the Zoom window. They're looking fantastic. And they're coughing away. They've got it too. We've all got it. We love the shit here. We're looking fantastic. And they're coughing away. They've got it too. We've all got it. We love the shit here. We love the COVID. I've got COVID fever, and I'm not just talking about the actual fever.

How many times have you had it so far? I'm on my sixth, but I am moving, baby. I am moving. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Seventh time's the charm, so you should be fine after that. Don't worry. I feel great. I'll tell you, I feel sick when I I'm loving it. Seventh time's the charm. So you should be fine after that. Don't worry. I feel great.

I'll tell you, I feel sick when I don't have it now. That's what I'm like. What's going on with me lately? Yeah. Yeah, you've just lost like all sense of taste and smell. Like whenever you get a whiff of something, you're like, oh no. The second that one of my lungs starts to actually inflate again, I'm like, this is painful because my body's sort of adjusted

to not having them function. Right, right. like, this is painful because my body's sort of adjusted to not having them function. Right, right. Well, we chose this pairing. We thought that we'd do this just for you, Gareth. We've got Nina in just so you can talk to someone who's allowed to go outside, just so you can remember what it's like. I have many questions, Nina, but also, likewise, if you want to know what it's like to create

an environment in your own home, let me know. No, I'm okay, thanks. It's a fully functional ecosystem. Oh, are you like Paulie Shaw in Biosphere? Biosphere? I am actually like Stephen Baldwin in Biosphere, but very close. Very close. That's a very distinct difference.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry to mess that up. Well, I got a ray of sunshine yesterday. So, yeah, for anyone outside of Melbourne, we are locked back down. Masks are compulsory in the street as of today when we're recording this. And, you know, there's a lot to kind of feel a bit bleak about in Melbourne,

but a friend of mine got a text yesterday from someone that they, you know, may or may not have bought drugs from in the past. Right. And the text message was just kind of... What a weird way to put that in the story if they haven't bought drugs from them. I just thought you'd put that option in there.

But I got a text message from this person that was just basically going out to their mailing list of past clients that said, and this person is based in Melbourne, and it said, hey guys, well now that everything's calmed down, I'll be resuming regular business. So that was good to know that things have calmed down, according to a reputable drug dealer out on the streets. Like, don't know what world this guy's living in. I got that same text message. Did you really?

Same dude? Oh, no. Yeah. Different, I don't know, it could have been the same dude, but it was like, here's our list now that everything is, here's how much beers costs. Oh, right. Not beers, but nose beers.

Nose beers, yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe there's some drug dealer syndicate that they're like, all right, well, we've all got to push our stuff now. Yeah. Hang on. All right, guys, let's talk numbers.

You're in Sydney and we're in Melbourne. Has this guy got a franchise? It shouldn't be going out. That mailing list, that text shouldn't be going out to both states with the same message. Yeah, is this some sort of McDonald's of drugs? Yeah. I do like that thing.

I don't know. It was from an unknown number. So I'm kind of, maybe it was from my Melbourne days, from when I used to buy drugs in Melbourne. Obviously, I don't do drugs anymore. I'm, like, very clean and a really good person. I never touch anything fully sober.

Yeah, you were telling us all about that before we started recording. This is honestly the first time you've done a podcast with us where you haven't been literally upside down. So it's nice of you to clean up this podcast. I know, I'm going to be so fucking boring now. I've got no tails just got anxiety it's not

it's not good it's so depressing how are you going gareth what are you what what are your days like over there are you just are you good you've seen cast away with tom hanks right yeah it's that what have you what have you drawn a face on in your house uh well i drew i mean a lot of things obviously anything with a circle a lot of apples basketballs i have a i ordered a volleyball right um that would be popular at the moment that'd be that'd be like getting masks in at the moment there'd be a lot of big shorties yeah you can't no you can get a mask here way easier than you can get a volleyball i reckon we're gonna hear respect in in, in maybe a year's time or so,

we're going to hear reports from people who were in lockdown writing this thing out single going, I put my dick into things in the house that I never thought possible. I never would have thought that the PlayStation 4 could get my rod in it, but I found a way. Oh, my God. I heard this story. I used to do a joke about

I knew someone that fucked a vacuum cleaner put their dick in the suction hole. We assumed that was how to fuck it. We've been around the block a few times. Instead of in the dustbin, you know, that's the anal of the vacuum cleaner. That would be an amazing story.

My dick's so big it only fits in the filter bag. Can't get it in the suction bag. That would be so funny to say to someone, oh, you know when you're a kid and you're experimenting and you fuck the vacuum cleaner. Oh, in the hose. No. Well, oh, that's a fucking great idea.

And it's anal. That's what Nina said. I went in raw, dog. Yeah, spicing it up with the vacuum cleaner. You know, we've done every in raw dog yeah spicing it up with the vacuum cleaner you know we've we've done every other position time to

time to mix it up I'm not really into oral I'm not into oral it was my birthday so I used to do a but I used to do a joke about it on stage and then one time

after a gig someone came up to me and they said one time they had fucked a vacuum cleaner but the reason they did it is because their house had two identical vacuum cleaners,

so they fucked them both at once, and it was like they were having sex with twins. Wow. So a vacuum three-way. Yeah. Wow. Because they look exactly the same. Menage a hoover.

Menage. So you're lying down, you've got one vacuum on the dick, and then you've got the other one just on your face. What? Yeah. Do you like that? Just come out with just that weird sort of... Spit-roasted by a Dyson.

And you've got that hair clump, that miscellaneous Santa beard. Oh, did you like that? Hang on. So, just to be clear, he's getting sucked off by one vacuum cleaner and then he's eating out another vacuum cleaner. Is that what's happening? Well, he's going to fuck it later, but yeah, you want to share. I don't know.

In my brain, it was one on the balls, one on the dick. But I don't know. That's just, well, I'm not a man. I just assume. What I would do is I would fuck one of them and then put the other one on the other one so they could do stuff to each other. Oh, yeah, not a man. I just assume. What I would do is I would fuck one of them and then put the other one on the other one so they could do stuff to each other. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's another good move. Just sit in the corner and watch it fall. And eventually you just put the two pipes together and they just stick together like they just suck each other up. And then I just jerk off in the corner like, man, they really hit it off. I mean, they of course have more in common. They're both vacuums.

Yeah, yeah. Fuck, and you're just feeling left out because you've been rejected by two appliances that you bought yourself as they're just sucking each other off. It's cool. Yet another example of like, I wish this was a radio show

where people could call in now and we could just have an hour of people ringing in with different positions that they would put the two vacuum cleaners in. Give us a call, guys. You know that meme that's like, does a dog wear pants like this or this? It's like, does a vacuum fuck like this or this?

You know what? Because when you brought that up, I was like, I did not imagine the way you were talking about. So I think there's other possibilities. There's other moves. I think there's other moves. There's one where there's one thing on the dick and then there's one up your own ass. Yeah. That's a moves. I think there's other moves. There's one where there's one thing on the dick and then there's one

up your own ass. Yeah. That's a possibility. Yeah, yeah. That's a fun one. That'd be a pretty fun one. That's probably what I... There's one where you just

fuck it and then you also vacuum the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's one where you put the vacuum on your balls and then you jerk off

and you use the other vacuum to clean it up. Oh, nice. Nice. That's pretty dominant. Oh, yeah. That's actually quite smart. Like, Chamber has that joke about jerking off straight into the bin.

That's not a joke. And so it's like you can jerk off straight into the vacuum. Yeah. But it's like if you just do it, it's straight away. You don't have any mess. No mess. Yeah. They need to do that now more on those fancy Dyson commercials

where they just, on like a carpet, need to pour just like an eighth of semen. As some violin plays in the background. Don't you hate it when... Yeah, that's the ad that you run after midnight. That's the late night infomercial one. The infomercial starts with like two minutes of a guy just standing there going, just shut up, I'll be done. Just a second, just working that last one out.

I didn't know I'd have to do it in front of the crew. Instead of the knife ads, the Ginsu knife ads, where you can cut through the shoe or whatever, it's like they show a vacuum. This can suck a dick this big. That would be great. I just like the idea of when the leader of Jizz spills onto the carpet, because they always

have the woman trying to clean it and it doesn't work and she's like i love the leader too they're like the guy's like look you guys didn't tell me you needed a fucking leader so roll your eyes all you want i'm going to take my time to get this done properly i hear you whispering but it's not making the cum come into my balls any faster i like the idea that it's that style of ad. You know the one where it's like at the start, like you often see it for like storage solutions and stuff. It's like someone opening a cupboard and boxes just tumbling onto them. Like, isn't that happening?

It's like someone opening their fridge and cum just sprying out like, oh, there's just, it's everywhere. How can I get rid of this? Come all over you again from your fridge. Yeah. I don't know about you, but I personally, I do hate it when that happens. Yeah, it's the worst. Gets all over your watermelon.

To me, it's one of those. It's showing the differences between us, obviously, because it's like the tomato sauce conundrum. I'm one of those persons that puts their cum in the cupboard. I don't put it in the fridge. I put it in the cupboard I think it can be room temperature You like it room temperature

Nobody's going to eat that thinking it's custard Go ahead It's like fresh milk You want to throw it to your sponsors? It's fresh milk and long life It's like a sourdough starter You've got to put it in the sun so that it grows Everyone's making it You like a sourdough starter. You know, you've got to put it in the sun so that it grows better.

Everyone's making it. Everyone now is making it. You like that sourdough bark? Yeah. That's actually my husband's cum. Yeah. Although I have heard, because it's yeast, that women have been jizzing into cups or discharging into cups and making bread from their pussies.

Oh, my fucking God. Wow. What the fuck i literally i will never eat a person's bread again i feel like you think i'm gonna eat your fucking pussy loaf go go fuck yourself i will only eat the pussy loaf i'm that's what i'm doing that's my next iso project yeah when new south wales goes into lockdown i'm gonna make a pussy yeah i'm a feminist i'm gonna insist on the pussy loaf from now on is that a pussy toast if you straight up started doing that you would make a million i mean you would make so much money if you were just really like i started like the pussy bread people would be like holy shit nina we haven't even put this episode out yet and a lot of our creepier fans have already emailed trying

to put a bid in on some loads yeah yeah some real sandwich heads out there just absolutely gagging for it yeah some real bread heads i mean that's too if if that guy was willing to pay 300 for my dirty underwear i mean like how much how much for a pussy yeah exactly exactly um anyway i think we can now um put this whole little riff into like a box and we can present this in a couple of years' time when people said, what was it like when you all got locked down because of the coronavirus? Oh, yeah, you can play this to your child. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What was it like? Oh, hell yeah. This is peak corona right now, this conversation. Well, guys, 50 minutes to go and we will have filled up the entire episode with sucking off vacuum cleaner talk. And I reckon we've got it in us. We can do it. Hey, that was so three minutes ago.

We're talking about pussy loaves now. Oh, yeah, we're talking about pussy loaves. Keep up. Did you see that there was a tweet that went around at the start of isolation in Melbourne when people, you know, the very popular thing was to be baking your own bread. And I saw someone tweeted like, guys's it's actually really disrespectful to do this because then at the end of lockdown we'll all know how to make our own bread and then that's going to put so many bakers out of work so have a think about what you really do in the economy when you go and buy a sourdough starter kit it's like well now now after this talk we're gonna put

so many um sex workers out of business if they've got a fucking compete with the vacuum cleaners yeah yeah yeah yeah of course but you also have to think about all the jobsete with the vacuum cleaners of the world. Yeah, yeah, sure. Yeah, of course. But you also have to think about all the jobs created in the vacuum repair field. Oh, yeah. That's true, yeah. I'll tell you, since people started jizzing in these things, I've never been happier. My year

is big. I got a special brush. Look at that. Gets it right out. I charge it $59. Fucking piece of cake. I just love the image of like... I'm sorry that the baker had to go out of business, but I'm loving it. It's a piece of cake.

The cake's filled with sperm as well, to be fair, but yeah. Just the image of like... Yes, of course, to be clear. We need another cake brush for that, yeah. The image of like a homeless, out-of-work baker just on the side of the road. Like once women worked out they could make their own bread using their own pussies, it was curtains for us.

Yeah, he's got a sign that says, we'll bake for food. The Irish, sir, surely there's an easier route. What about this now? I'm trying to reminisce to the good old times of going to the shops. Remember going into stores, Gareth? Remember going to the shops? Well, you were telling us off airair about that you're very well acquainted with your local liquor store owner.

You've basically moved in. Are you allowed to go back there? Yeah, the guy really had like four or five days there where I bought so much for vermouth and vodka when I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. And same with the weed store. Yeah. The weed store?

The weed store. Fuck. Yeah. It's not all bad. How do you guys deal with it oh that's right your drug dealers just send out text messages i'm not hey i'm not complaining i can't i'm handling quarantine better than anyone but smuggle weed into the airport oh no this is now we talked about this on another podcast on someone else's podcast, but Nina, very briefly, we'll just jump into this. We heard from you the other day, you smuggled drugs into a music festival

via your... Bakery. My pussy. Yeah, yeah, bakery. That's right. The oven. The bakery. The oven. Brumbies. But you... Baker's delight. Bit of local references, Gareth. Bit of local but you make his delight bit of local references gareth bit of local for you yeah yeah that's great whole meal whole meal or white um now you smuggled it in right actually nice you smuggled it in but then you didn't even

get checked for it so you just had a pussy full of weed all weekend yeah and then i forgot about it until like later in the in the night so i had it there for like i would have put it in real early like nine o'clock and i think i got it out like six o'clock just slow cooking like i was not in toxic yeah you know it's like a what's that thing an enema right yeah yeah it's a suppository it's like yeah it's like but i forgot about it and then I had to get it out. I was in the front row of, like, Tame Impala, and then I realised, because I, like...

Of course, during Tame Impala is when you're like, Weed! Yeah. I was like, why not? And so I squatted down, and I got it out of my pussy, and then I started smoking it, and then I went to pass around, and everyone was like, nah, nah, man. Like, we're on our level, but not yet your level.

Like, if I'm a feminist, I would have smoked it. We're not high enough to smoke pussy weed. Beyond feminism as a fucking pothead, I would have been like, yeah, I don't care. Nina, if you're... You don't need to tell me where it came from. Because I was at the front, everyone was looking at me. They're like, what is she doing down there? And then they're kind of like, oh.

There had to be a couple people there, like, tripping, who were like, she's a miracle, dude. Look at her. She produces. I think she's a genius. Yeah, yeah, she turns water into wine. She turns pussy juice into marijuana. Wow. Excuse me, miss. Could turns water into wine. She turns pussy juice into marijuana. Wow.

Excuse me, miss. Could you bring my grandma back from the dead? Or have we completely misread the situation? I just squat down and give birth to an old lady. Oh, my God, Grandma! She's got a bunch of weed on her. Fuck. Now, Nina, I don't know if you're trying to break the world speed record of how many

weird podcast fans are going to hit you up in your DMs this week, but I think if you haven't hit the record yet, we've still got about 45 minutes to go. Yep. Great, great. Well, I'll try my best. You can keep up this speed. Yeah, you've now got the Tame Impala heads as well, like

just all intersectional and it's like vaguely creepy and vague stuff they're into, like, dude, elephant shreds. I got the soft boys, I got the Tame Impala heads as well. Like, just all intersectional. And it's like vaguely creepy and vague stuff they're into. Like, dude, elephant shreds. I got the soft boys. I got the incels. I got every subcategory of Reddit. You're like a creepy keyword search. Yeah, yes.

Yeah, a lot of people's Google alerts have gone off and they're all redirected to your website right now. Tame Impala, pussy weed, vagina vagina bread what the fuck's going on be one of the great if one of those dm slides is kevin parker himself just like you know always always awesome to hear about the work of a fan out there in the field watching the band oh they start selling this merch that would be good that would be good just panties with a little zip in the front so you can easily access the stash. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate that I said panties.

I feel vile. What else have you said this episode? Like a... Yeah, that... Like a joint tamp... Like a tampon made of joints. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tampon and parlor.

Yeah, yeah. A tampon made of joints where it's not that bad that it's your time of the month. You look forward to it. That's cool. Yeah. I'm, by the way, I've loved where we started. I'm jumping off the project at this point, but it's going to be a good time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about this? It's that time of the month, and that time is 420, baby. There we go. Nat's saving a lot. What do you think? Still jumping ship. No?

I don't like it. No, i'm not into it okay all right all right yeah okay this ends now all right hey um i i want to ask you guys this what now this is this is this is something i've i'm sort of admitting for the first time another yet another thing that i'm fucking very bad at now how do you guys go when you go shopping for clothes in terms of just, like, trying stuff on, changing room, etiquette, that sort of stuff? Do you back yourself? You're okay? You handle it?

What do you mean? What's to not? I don't understand what's to not. Are you talking about right now in a crazy time or in general? No, in general. In general. Yeah, I don't think I've...

I've forgotten what real shopping is like. I've just been clicking the buttons on the internet and maxing out my credit card. Yeah, right. Also, I just dress like Billie Eilish now because it's more comfortable. And also because I put on heaps of weight. Same here.

Right, okay. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just hiding my body. Go in, get the item of clothing off the rack, go into the change room, try it on. Maybe I like it, maybe I don't. Put the coat hanger up your ass for a little while. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Call your friends. Pull the Dyson out of my backpack. Suck myself off. Yeah, pull the Dyson out. Yeah, yeah. Eat some macaroni. Make a bread from your cum. Yeah, make a cum bread.

All in the change room. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Some of them are pretty mean. What are you doing? Just putting the clothes on, Carl? Sounds bread. All in the change room. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Some of them are pretty funny. What are you doing? Just putting the clothes on, Carl? Sounds fun. Boring.

Boring. Like a nerd. Yeah, what's the point of doing it? If you're going to do it, make it pervy. Yeah. And get some bread out of it. Yeah. Okay, so Nina, you're more of an online shopper.

You know your sizes and all that sort of stuff. I never know my shoe size. I never know my clothes size. I never know any of that stuff. What do you mean you've never known your shoe size? What are you, raised by wolves, just brought to the city? I just go into shops and people put shoes on until they fit. Oh, you get the little thing that they use for little kids,

like the metal ruler thing that stubs at your big toe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like Cinderella but with Reeboks. Carl, do you know your home address? Are you five? I don't know my shoe size. Are you like one of those people that has to check their phone to see their own phone number?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know anyone's number except for mine. This morning I had to give it out and I nearly forgot it. I put the wrong digits in. Great. So I don't – any of that stuff I kind of think I don't need to definitely know that stuff, so I just don't. Your shoe size?

I don't think the size is the problem. I think, Carl, you might have dementia. I don't know. I feel like I'm not choosing. What size do you have? I'm not sure. I don't know. That's my point.

Size 11, dementia. Yeah, but if you're needing to buy one, you know you can just get a pair of shoes that you own and look on the tongue, and that's going to have the size on it. Yeah, I just kind of think that's time I don't need to use. Carl, you walk into a shoe shop and some poor bastard is just dealing with a lump of clay. He's just like, hello, sir.

All I have is money. Will you put the thing on me and figure out the rest? I figure he's a shoe shop guy. He's seen things like this before. He's not your fucking butler. Figure out everything. Figure everything out now, please. Hurry.

Hey, if you work in a shoe shop, you should be able to look at someone's foot that's just walked in and gone, I know that's an eight and a half. No, no, no. Isn't that what you should learn? What do you learn in shoe shop school? What else should you... What do you think? shoe shop school? What else should you do?

What do you think? These people are living their fucking dreams, fitting people with shoes, having men with dementia walking and just be like, I don't know anything. What's a shoe? I have to say, I felt a lot more comfortable when I was still growing. When I was 17 and I walked into a shoe shop and I didn't know my size,

I could get away with the idea that my feet were still growing. But now that I'm 44, I'm running out of shoes. You have a child. Do you know your child's shoe size? Do you know the gender of the child? No. Yes, yes.

Do you just take the child into a store and go, raise this? Well, I feel like I'm now old enough that there's no use learning my shoe size because I'm going to be old enough when people stop growing and they start shrinking. Well, my foot will I'm now old enough that there's no use learning my shoe size because I'm going to be old enough where, you know, when people stop growing and they start shrinking, well, my foot will probably start shrinking soon.

No, it's not Mandarin. It's a number about your foot. It's a number. It's in thing, and it's your foot. But I could use that part of my brain. And it's been the same size for so many years. I could use that part of my brain to put other info in. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. I'll look into it. What about this? Take a stab right now what you think your shoe size is. Well, take a look at the tongue of the shoe you're wearing now, and if you get it right, I'll give you $20. All right. And if you get it wrong, you have to have a vacuum three-way.

Oh, well, my shoe size is 69. Oh, oops. Oops. I is 69. Oh, oops. Oops. I guess I better get sucked off. I think I'm always like, when people ask me, I go, it's between 9 and 11 and a half maybe, I think. And do these people say to you, Carl, is everything all right? I say, no, I need new shoes. That's what's not right with me.

Are you lying about your shoe? Are you like a girl that's approaching 30 and is just like, I'm 26 for the fourth year. Lying about your shoe size. My foot's getting older, so I'm lying about it. It's like the thing of people go, big shoe size means big dick. You're like, yeah, I'm a 15. Yeah, nah, size

15. If you've got any clown shoes, if you could make them bigger, I'll have those ones, thank you. You're like, oh, I'm actually a men's size 6, but no, actually, I don't know. I've never known my shoes. I could be a size 12. I could be the biggest one. You know what?

This is what I did once with shoes. When I was like 17 and I lived in Meribah, like my tiny little hometown, I ordered in, I saved up a heap of money to buy really expensive football shoes, football boots. And so they came in and I tried them on and they were too small because I'd like guessed my size. So I put them on and they were too small, but they were like really expensive shoes, right? Really expensive boots. They were like, this is 20 something years ago. They were like $200 back boots. They were like, this is 20 something years ago. They were like $200 back then.

They were so expensive. But it was such a tiny town that they had to order them in. And I thought I was sort of inconveniencing them by like sending them back. So I was like, ah, they'll do. They're okay. Oh my God. And like I said to them, that's fine, isn't it? And like my dad, I remember my dad saying, yeah, if your shoes are too small, like, you know, they'll stretch with you.

You know, they're really good leather, so they'll stretch. But what he meant was the sides of the shoe. I thought he meant lengthways. So I thought that. What is he talking about in any way? Your father, this is where it all starts. This is like a generational thing. Your father should have been like carl no these don't

fit you there's a number yeah it's a chandler tradition i feel like your shoe size it's inherited stupidity like there's so much talk about like generational trauma i feel like there's not a yeah not enough talk about generational carl's grandpa told carl's dad one day he's like hey you don't need to know your shoe size. That's what the gentlemen at the shops do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he was like, oh, that's what they do at the shops. And then when you're like, this is too small, right, Dad? He's like, no, son, this doesn't matter.

Yeah, and his grandfather, he was always like, save it for the guy to come around in the horse and cart. He'll measure, he'll put leaves around your foot until they know how big in leaves your foot is. And then we make the shoe up the back horse and cart. He'll measure, he'll put leaves around your foot until they know how big in leaves your foot is, and then we make the shoe off the back of the cart. It's the same logic as the bakery tweet with lockdown. It's like, if people start reading the tongue of their shoe and committing that number to memory, everyone at Adidas is going to go out of business, okay?

You owe it to them to not have any idea what size you are in anything. I'm keeping small business in business. It's not all being taken over by online sales that's right bricks and mortar are still there thanks to me so first you save thailand now the shoe industry yes yes so i i bought these shoes and they and they were so much for how much money i had it was all my money and they're really expensive but they're really nice football boots and so then i went and played in them and i was sort of like stubborn you know that thing where you kind of you know you've made a mistake but you go oh maybe this will get better maybe this will work itself out so i played for like weeks and weeks in these shoes that were like cramping my toes up like

you're like binding your feet yeah yeah yeah yeah Black swan style. Yeah, exactly. Carl, why are you such a natural on the bars? Oh, you don't say. Well, you've got perfect toes for it. Have you ever thought about it? So I ended up being in a situation where I was playing really well for my team but I had to go off injured like four weeks in a row.

Every three minutes? Not due to hamstrings or torn calves or anything because my toes were being busted and turned black by my own football boots. I was being substituted every week. Kyle Chandler, shoe-related injury. It's what they do in prison with war camps, isn't it? Like, fucking hell.

It probably looked like you were the Hulk getting angry. Just toes popping out of the sides. Man, honestly, I was sprinting after the ball in, like, tiptoes. It looked really weird. Who is that natural dancer out there? Carl. What football club are you from, sir? I'm not from a football club.

I'm from the Sydney Ballet, and I loved everything I saw there. I play for Nutcracker FC. Yeah, yeah. I also love, you know, these shoes are hard to get. You've saved up a lot for them. You've put all this effort and all this work in to get the money. And then just going, the final step, the size. Well, I'll just take a punt.

I won't bother to look into it. But also then the next part of it is you're going into the shoe shop and they're going, what size are you? And your answer starts with, I think. And they're going, what size are you? And your answer starts with, um, I think. And they're going, well, no further questions here. Why validate this at all? Surely they could look. I mean, you're right.

In that instance, they should be able to look down at you and go, I think you're wrong. I think you're absolutely wrong. Yeah, yeah. So we're clear on that. It's not my fault. Great. Perfect.

No, it is your fault. Oh, okay. All right. It's your father's fault. It is. In this story where you're a child, not your fault? Great. Perfect. No, it is your fault. Oh, okay. All right. It's your father's fault. It is. In this story where you're a child, not your fault. Okay, great. Thank you.

Yeah. I'm off on this story. 30 years ago, not your fault. This story I get grace. Yeah. Right. Great. Now as a parent yourself, insane.

Now on to the next stories, which I do not have any grace time for. I can't wait for your child's future birthdays where you've just got a big question mark on the cake instead of numbers. It's like, doesn't matter. Here's a knife.

You draw in your own age on the cake. We let him pick how old he wants to be now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. Numbers are just a human construct.

No, you go into a shop and you're like, my child, how old is he? Yeah, going into baby. Whatever the assistant says. He's just like, okay, that's your new age. Is he four?

Okay. Yeah, yeah. You know best. Oh, you guys sell shoes too. What size am I? Well, we're both babies, so. So this is not just shoes. This is all sorts of clothing.

So I've done this. I've got a continual habit where I buy clothes, and then I go home and I wear them for a while, convince myself that it's the right size, then have to admit to myself within a week that it's not the right size. I can no longer take it back because I've been wearing it for a week, and so I go back and buy the next size up. So many of my jeans I've bought in two different sizes.

What? Yes. Hang on. But this is just telling me that you think you're skinnier than you are. You try it on and you're like, oh, yeah, I'm a little size zero. I could be a model. And then you come home and you're like, oh, I'm a fat fuck. Wait, I need a cut down on the pussy bread.

Yeah, I think given you've talked on the show recently about how much you're snacking and how many muffins and cookies and stuff you're eating, I think it's like you're literally outgrowing these within one week of having them. I think they fit when you get them home the first time. So you're buying stuff that you're like, oh, I'm hot Carl. I'm skinny. And then you're doing that and then you're going home and you're going, I'm fatty. That's what's happening?

Yeah. Well, I'm buying clothes in the shopping center and then hitting them up. In the supermarket. I'll take another apron. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I don't think it's that. I don't think it's that because it goes both ways.

So this has happened my whole life where, like even in Thailand, you were talking about Thailand before. I went to Thailand once and went, you know what, I'll stock up on cheap jeans there. And so I went to this stall and went, yeah, great. And I kind of think the problem is I try stuff on and I do not make any evaluation whatsoever. I don't think about it. If they're physically on me, I think, well, they technically fit.

If they're actually covering my legs, that means they fit. So then that's good enough for me. No offence, but why do you try things on if you're not even going to look at yourself in the thing? What is the point? I don't know.

What is the point of you trying things on? I'm just a big fan of being in the change room. It's like a holiday within the holiday. It's just a really quick job. I'm just signing off fan of being in the change room. It's like a holiday within the holiday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a really quick job. I'm just signing off on it with no expertise. I'm thinking, they've let me go into the change room with these. They must think this is vaguely in the ballpark. I think you think these people are doctors.

It's your fault for not bursting into the change room and putting your hand down the waistband of my pants to see how much room there is. Excuse me, you let me walk back there with these jeans. What the fuck? Don't you work here? Yeah. Don't you know your job?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a pants psychic, jerk off. That's responsible serving. They should be doing responsible serving. Carl, let me walk you through this industry that you're pitching. Excuse me, miss. I think that dress is a little too small for you to take back there. Oh,

fired? Okay. Bye-bye. I know. I used to work in retail and it was like, you can't be like, oh, do you want to size up? That is the worst thing. Sir, if I may. Do you want another size? Yeah, you never say.

You're too fat for your outfit. We have bigger for people like you. Well, I bought a bunch of jeans. This is an example of this. A bunch of jeans? How many? I bought three pairs of jeans in Thailand once, right? Three?

It was at a stall. Stuck together like bananas? Just one bunch of your finest. Yeah, I just picked up one. Three kilos of jeans, thanks. I picked up one pair and there was two stuck underneath it and I didn't realise. They have one of those high knives on like a big, big branch that they're just cutting them down from. There you go.

Yeah, a pair of the Levi's ladyfinger, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three kilos of ladyfinger denim. Is this enough? Yeah, I guess. I guess I can eat that. So I bought three pairs of jeans on the in a thailand stall and then i went i just went okay they look all right i'll try them on

i'll go up the back to the room and the guy was like there's no room you try them here on the footpath and so i had to take my pants off on the footpath and try them in the street and so i tried this pair on and because it's like i don't want to take these pants off again and have to do this for half an hour i was like yeah yeah that's fine that's fine and then i went home with three with three pairs of jeans that didn't fit me in any way whatsoever um so when when was this this is like five years ago maybe okay so your wife when you come home and you're like just what does she say? Was she privy to this scenario?

She has now become my person who, when I go in the first time and buy jeans that don't fit me, she is the one who returns them and goes in and she fixes it. She's the fixer. Well, because there's presumably no room for any of her clothes in this shared cupboard of yours because there's just pairs and pairs of jeans that don't fit you that you're never going to wear. And what a great way, if she doesn't like any of the dumb clothing you're buying, for her to just be like, oh, Carl, that's too small, and then just take it back so you don't get it.

Because, again, you're a grown man who has foot amnesia. Yeah. Honestly, I'm aware of this and i actually really try and concentrate now i i actually when i go and buy jeans i go i have i literally say to myself all right don't forget to try not to fuck this one up what is going on so i was nice this is nuts i went this is so stupid yeah this is like the dumbest drama. I hate this. This disease of yours is just like on the list. It's just insane. It's infuriating.

I know. I don't know. You're like a sitcom husband. I don't understand. This is like a homestay. Yes. You are the black and white husband from the infomercial. Right.

But I threw the full egg in the frying pan and it doesn't look like an omelette yet. The other day, I literally had this thought. I was like, I've got one tattoo. I honestly think my next tattoo is going to be my sizes on each part of my body. Love it. Like the memento guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Don't believe his lies. You're a size 12. Yeah, right, yeah, right, right. Try them on and then take them off don't forget to take them off too carl yeah yeah i'm gonna take these off yeah like some people have a list of their kids birthdays there's like numbers on their back but you're just gonna have all your measurements yeah like people have their coordinates where they were born or whatever i think that would be a really

good idea this is like this, your whole explanation of this, this is like if Seinfeld had never ended and was still going, this is the kind of storyline they'd be doing now where people are like, fuck, this show's really lost it. It's been on for too long. What are they talking about? And you've turned it into like you're seven years in Tibet. So.

I sometimes, when will I learn my shoe size? Carl, honestly, I don't know. Why? Why the fuck don't you know it yet? I'm in the change room. No, I don't want to work out if the shirt fits. Yeah, that's actually why I'm the Seinfeld dated a 17 year old because he just wasn't sure how old she was.

Yeah. Yeah. He walked. Yeah. He just walked into the candy store and he was like, how old is she? Does anyone know? What do you guys think? She looks about the right age for me.

Doesn't she look 18? Turns out she's a child. She feels like she's 18. I love the idea of Carl being in an argument with someone and them going, well, if the shoe fits. And him going, I don't know what's happened here. I'm assuming I've won the argument. What do you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If the shoe fits what? Then you are very lucky that day in the shop. That's for sure. If the shoe fits, well, I'm yet to come. Then your dad wasn't there encouraging you to make the foolish purchase. When people say that to me, if the shoe fits, I say, I'm yet to come to that day. So, yeah, it's hard for me to tell. If the shoe fits, it sounds like the fucking dumb kind of footlocker's done his job properly for once.

That's what I was going to say, yeah. Someone's due a promotion. You're like the reverse of Cinderella. You're just looking for one shoe that fits you out of a thousand shoes. You're just trying on all the different shoes. Instead of them going from door to door to find Cinderella,

I'm Cinderella going from door to door just saying, have you got any jeans that would fit this? Any glass jeans? Cinderella, you can't marry 150 princes. But they all fit. No, they didn't. Most of them were not your size. They all fit technically.

I could play football in a season in them. Football and jeans. So this was about five or six weeks ago. I was like, okay, I've got time to go to the shops. There was a brief window where it was sort of fine. Stuff's back open. Back open. I've been walking around.

And you, like most people, first thing you think, I need some new wardrobe. Yeah, yeah. Well, my jeans, I've got a bad habit of just having one pair of jeans after I learned my lesson with three pairs that none of them fit. I just buy one at a time to make sure that I've got the one pair that fit. Smart. Right.

And so my wife literally had, I had one pair of jeans, there was holes in the ass, there was holes in the front, holes in the leg, and I was like, I can't wear these anymore. She's a lucky lady, Carl. She's a lucky lady. I was holes in the front, holes in the leg. And I was like, I can't wear these anymore. She's a lucky lady, Carl. She's a lucky lady. I was in lockdown. I don't know, man. You know, I had a bunch of holes on my dick and my ass.

Carl's wife, if you can hear me, wear yellow. If you need help returning the shoes. They were vacuum-ready jeans, okay? They were ready. So I had a brief moment where I could go and replace these jeans. These jeans had been exchanged at some stage by my wife so that they'd fit. So this is a rare pair of jeans that fit. So I went shopping by myself.

I was like, right, don't forget, get a good pair. I went in. Don't forget, get a good pair is not something most people need to tell themselves before game time. Well, now I know this. Now I'm saying it out loud. Now I know this. So next time I can. Carl, don't forget, don't buy a pair that totally doesn't fit you.

That's not the purpose of this. I'll put that on the tattoo as well. So I went out and I brought like, I don't usually do this because a problem of mine is I'll take in one pair of jeans into the change room and go, that's fine. I brought two pairs in this time. So I put on a pair and I was like, they're way too big. Put on the next pair. They're way better than the first pair.

Easy. Sale. Boom. You've done it, Goldilocks. Well done. I've done it. So I go home. Yeah.

Oh, this one's really good. Yeah. I don't know. At least Goldilocks tried three things. You know, Carl's like, yeah. If Carl was Goldilocks, he'd be like, this one's too cold. And then he'd be like, this one's too hot, but it's better than the two cold ones. Well, Goldilocks at least knows what I'm still going to be unsatisfied with.

Now, Nina, you've nailed it because that's literally what happened. I go, this pair's too cold. This pair's too hot, but it's better than the cold pair. I go home in the hot pair and I, and I'm, I wear them for like a day. And my wife looks at them and goes, why have you bought massive jeans?

And I'm like, Oh no, no, no. You should have seen the other pair. They're really bad. She's like, no,

they are insane. They are so big for you. And I'm like, no, no, no, I'm pretty sure. And so what I'm doing is for a week,

I wear the, the jeans with the tag still on them. Cause I'm dreaming. I'm like, no, no, no, I'm pretty sure. And so what I'm doing is for a week I wear the jeans with the tag still on them because I'm dreaming. I'm sort of tricking myself that I can still return them. The world is your change room. Yeah, yes. That's the way you're viewing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm walking around. So not only am I walking around in way oversized jeans and looking like an idiot because of that, I've also got the tag hanging out of them as well. So people are going, why are you wearing the fucking tag down the street? So I wear them. I mean, you literally look like you just stole a fat man's jeans.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I look like I've shoplifted in high and mighty. Yeah. Yeah. On your way to a rave. Yeah. So a better week in, my wife says to me,

you have got to go back and exchange these jeans. And I'm like, I've got shit all over the bottom. Like, I've got stains and stuff on them. I can't do that. I've already put a bunch of dick holes in the front. Wait, hang on. Stains on them, but the tag's still on?

Yeah, yeah. I love that. I love that. Yeah, it's amazing. What a great... That's the fucks. What a great... Going back.

Excuse me. You guys sold me some jeans with a bunch of ketchup on them. So I'm like... I'm like like i'm not delusional i'm not completely delusional all right so i'm i can't i can't i said completely i said completely this entire segment is fucking deranged yeah I don't know why you're talking about this. It's shameful. We need a clothing store called Delusional for you and men like you who are just not ready to be in a store.

Well, I wouldn't know if other people do this, but anyway. No. No. So, from the makers of High and Mighty, here comes our sister store, fucked and delusional. From the makers of High and Mighty, here comes our sister store. Fucked and delusional. So I go back into the store.

I think I'm not going to bring these jeans back. I'm going to abandon those jeans. That's fine. I'll go back in and I'll buy a new pair. So I go in. They're having a special. They're having like a closing down sort of sale. What store is this?

Do you want to give them a shout out? Because fucking hell, they are. Not yet. It's Kmart. I don't need to give them a shout out. He's a comedian. We all know where he is. I don't need to give them a shout out. They've gotten enough business lately for me.

True, but they're fucking working pretty hard for it. Well, they're not. Kyle, go on. Shout out Guestimates. That's where you get them. Yeah, yeah. So I go. Nina, you.

Sorry. Welcome to Guestimates. Nina might need to get hotter on the mic i think yeah just for recording sake sorry oh wait for no because my i'm watching the recording thing and like whenever i laugh it like yeah it splits out sorry that's why i've got it at a weird we're not going to take your estimations on where numbers should and should not be. Sorry, I don't know what it is. The idea that you're telling Nina that her mic levels are too hot when you don't know your goddamn shoe size.

Also, I can see my fucking mic levels. I'm wrong. I know what i'm doing so it is great because like nearly everything carl says nina has a fucking episode over and he's basically walking into the corner of her room and leaving the mic sitting stationary so i i go back to this store i go back to the store to the same store i'm like i'm gonna i'm not i don't want to go to a different store i want to go back to this store, right? I go back to the store, to the same store. I'm like, I'm going to – I don't want to go to a different store. I want to go back to the same store and get it right. So I go back in there. Yeah. This is the third act, baby.

Yeah, I get the same, you know, style of jean, same cut. Just looking out the window, seeing you coming. Oh, God, here he comes. Same size. Same exact size, same style. I get the same pair again yeah so this time they don't fit i go so i go back in and then i go back in and then realize i didn't i didn't bring the other jeans meaning so i didn't know what those size jeans were like the pair that i bought that are wrong i don't know what size they were so i come back in so i don't know what size they were. So I come back in, so I don't know what size I'm after again. So again, I just

grab jeans and go, I'll put them on. And this time, they're like heaps snugger again. I mean, dear God. Wait, they're what? They're heaps snugger again. Like, they're way better than those fucking clown pants. Yeah, heaps snugger. Yeah, that's where he shops.

Welcome to heaps snugger. Heaps snugger. That's Carl's nickname when he shops. Welcome to Heapsnugger. Heapsnugger. That's Carl's nickname when he shops. All right, now I must go on cover as Heapsnugger. Man who has pantamnesia. Pantnesia. So I go in, and again, if I was thinking the first time, get good jeans. You weren't.

I'm thinking a double this time. Yeah. I'll sort this out. I should have seen the size. I don't have my tattoo yet on my legs, get good jeans. You weren't. I'm thinking a double this time. Yeah. I'll sort this out. I should have seen the size. I don't have my tattoo yet on my legs, so I don't know my pants size still, but I've got a better idea of it. So I try on the pants again. These are way better.

Heaps snugger, sorry, to translate. Great. I'll take them. These are on special as well. Bonus. I'm basically making money now. So I go home. I show them to my wife and go, check, great. I'll take them. These are on special as well. Bonus. I'm basically making money now. So I go home. I show them to my wife and go, check it out.

I've got the, I've got the new pair. She goes, they look a bit big. I'm like, no, no, no. These are fine. Look at, look at the other pair. I then look at the sizes of the last pair versus the sizes of this pair. The new pair, right? I was wrong on the old pair

by four sizes. The first pair was four sizes different. That's how far off I was. Right. That's how far off I was. I missed my own size by four sizes. So I'm wearing... I just can't believe

these pants, like how are they not around your ankles if they're four sizes too big? Are they overalls? I put a new hole in my belt. You must have the most curvaceous hips just holding the waist up. Like a Nicki Minaj-style hourglass figure just holding up that. Carl's fat old dump truck holding up these pants. Holding up that.

Carl's fat old dump truck holding up these pants. Four sizes is like what they would, someone who lost a lot of weight would hold up those pants next to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, these fit. You're like Jared from Subway and also your pants are too big for you. Yeah.

You're like holding out the two pants just being like, this much is how dumb I am This was me this morning I look like a guy walking around going through chemo That's what I look like Just huge pants Huge pants I did better

And what is By the way What is the expression on your wife's face Even before she realizes that yes You've completely fucked up again, but the fact that now that you have to do fashion shows to show her that you went into the city and got pants that you're proud of. Get the catwalk ready, honey.

I'm coming through the front door. Yeah, that's like when a three-year-old's at a pool like, watch me now. It's like, yeah, just get in the fucking pool. So I get the new pairs home. They're four sizes smaller, easy, done. Get in the fucking pool. So I get the new pairs home. They're four sizes smaller. Easy, done.

I walk around and I'm like saying to my wife all week, this is awesome. You know, these fit properly now. This is awesome. These fit properly. It really, it's rare. This is awesome. It really makes you have a new appreciation for the things that you take for granted, doesn't it, guys?

Like, chuck on a pair of pants in the morning. Don't think twice about it, but, like, seeing how the other half live, it really makes me feel good about having a proper snug fit. Yeah. So I walk around, I've got the tag hanging out, I've got the insurance policy, obviously, tag hanging out, walking around in the pants going, cool.

You know, and as you know, like, if you get jeans, they do stretch a little bit. So as the week goes on, they are stretching a a little bit and my wife's looking at me going i really really hate to say this but you have bought another pair of pants that are too big and i'm i'm having to admit to myself these are fucking too big yet again so i bought two pairs of pants that are too big i'm looking at them going fuck and everything goes into lockdown or whatever and so now i have to wait for the next time to go out again so then there's a chance of us going out and so i'm like right

i've got to fucking defeat this thing i'm going to go back and i'm going to buy a third pair of jeans in the same style this thing you're talking like. You're talking like you're not Odysseus. You just don't remember a number. Yeah, the way you defeat this thing is putting a ball through your head. No, but there's a common thing, which is that if you put your jeans in the wash, then they shrink back to the size they were. And then when you wear them, they get looser over time. Then you just put them in the wash and they go back to the size they were and then when you wear them they get looser over time

then you just put them in the wash and they go back to being small again. Yes, they did. That's like the well-known thing. Let's not overload him, Nina. Let's not throw too much at him. He's going to die in the washer now. He's going to drown in his washing machine.

Nina told me. Maybe if I shrink myself I can fit my pants. Nina told me to put I shrink myself I can fit my pants Nina told me to put the one pair on my arms And then the other pair on my legs Like I was a horse with pants And then put myself in the warm cycle So the jeans are in the washer

I get in the microwave And then we meet in the middle And it's the perfect fit So I get in the dryer The jeans are in the washer I build a tube between the two And we drink the water. I got it.

No problem. So I wash the jeans, and that's fine, that's good, but then I have to sort of admit to myself, I have bought these jeans, they're too big as well. I thought they were fine, but again, because I don't know my size, I've realized in hindsight that they are still too big. So I'm like, right, this is it. I'm going to go in and do it properly now.

I go back into the same store, and I'm going to get the same jeans. I know I'm now going to buy three pairs of jeans in the same style but different sizes. You're not going to return either one of these pairs of jeans? I've worn them too much. They've both got stains on them. I can't. There's wear on them. But the price tag's still on all of them. I've worn them too much. They've both got stains on them. There's wear on them. But the price tag's still on all of them.

So pick a lane. Are you returning them or are you just walking around with a fucking tag on forever? Look, I know I'm not saying these things out loud going I wonder where the dumb things are. I'm telling you the story of what happened. This is like the next episode should be a thorough examination of how you're ending up

so covered in fluid in the spaces. How are you getting so much cum on this fat man's jeans you're wearing? And was the fat man eating a lot of donuts when you stole his pants, sir? Yeah. I keep mugging really messy eaters. That's the problem. Messy fat the problem yeah so i go back into the store it has here's the thing somehow somehow this store has gone out of business despite all the all the business that i've given this store it's it's gone into liquidation so i'm like fucking hell i

just want to go into this one store get one pair pair of jeans that fit me. And it's gone. So then I've got... Is the end like an old man saying to you, there hasn't been a jean shop here in 30 years? I don't think... You know, there was a store here, but it caught on fire. I reckon you've forgotten the number of what the shop is. I think that's a very good point. I reckon Carl just doesn't know where it is and he's gone to the wrong place to dial it. He's like, oh God, it's gone. forgotten the number of what the shop is yeah i think that's a very good point i reckon carl just

doesn't know where it is and he's gone to the wrong place oh god it's gone it's a 7-eleven now sir it's been a 7-eleven for five years man the pandemic really took my favorite man i don't fit in this slopey cup at all this is weird the pants demic yeah yeah yeah the pants demic continues for Carl. So it's gone into liquidation, this store. Pants-demic is great. So now I have to go to other stores, like chain stores over there. Oh, so this is a chain, right? This is a chain.

Yeah, okay, right. So now... I'll just get on this bus that's going to Adelaide. All right. Whatever. They'll probably have a store too. Carl at the New South Wales border being stopped by police. But you don't understand.

I bought the wrong pair of jeans. I need to return them. Sir, this man's suitcase is just full of a fat man's clothing. We suspect the worst. Let me out of Victoria. I don't fit in this state anymore. He doesn't know where he lives. He just held up his fingers, three fingers, and said, out of Victoria, I don't fit in this state anymore. So, I... He doesn't know where he lives.

He just held up his fingers, three fingers, and said, I'm this many. Look at me. Where do you think I would live? What state do you think I should come from? Well, look, he's clearly in his father's shoes. Look at how he's walking. So, I go to another store. They're closed.

They're closed down. But to be fair, on Google Maps, none of these stores say that they're closed. They've just been liquidated. So the whole chain's gone out of business. No, I've gone down to two of them. They're gone. I go to the lucky number three, different store. They're open.

Right. Thank God. Now, the problem is, strap in. Thank God. That guy behind the counter, strap in for the worst day of your life, young man. Yeah, or as Carl would say about strap in, tie a piece of rope around you loosely. So I go in there, and yes,

I know that this is the third pair of pants I'm about to go and get, but no, again, i did not bother to check what the size of the jeans were so all right i go in there they don't have the style of the jeans that i wanted they've got a they don't even have the color because they're the whole chain is in no not them not them how how are you going through how are you groundhog daying without knowing the size i don't know of course they don't have that style left. You've bought about 11 pairs of them. We had a lot of 30s. We had a lot of 40s, but some guy bought them all.

Unprecedented demand all of a sudden. We don't know what happened, but we sold out of those a couple weeks ago, right before the pandemic hit. No one's wearing them. We haven't seen any on the street. They're all, from what we have, they're very dirty um so sir why do you shop at fat and shorts so i go to this last remote they're being liquidated this store this store is like half

out of all its stock there's hardly anything left in the store so i'm like saying have you got anything that's sort of and i'm trying to describe the jeans to them they're like there's three pairs over there you can fit in one of those pair if you want i'm like okay fuck so i go this is the worst scenario for you possible yeah there yeah so three options well one of them's gonna be the best this one's too hot this one's perfect three options is one more option than i usually take into the change room to be fair so it's like I'm overflowing with choice. This is like cancel everything else in the calendar for the day. I'm spending all afternoon in the change room.

I thought you guys said you were going out of business. How have you got all these pants? So this is like last week. I go into this last remaining shop. Last week. I go into this last remaining shot. Last week. I go in and out of the three pairs, this pair fits the best. Okay? The best by far. It's not the Olympics.

This is possibly the best pair of pants I've had on in 12 months. Okay? With film production being shut down because of COVID, is this what movies are going to be now? Just like got to film in like one location, small cast, small crew. We're going to watch a three-hour epic about a man trying on pants.

One closed-in story where we can just shoot in the store. Well, maybe he just can't find the right pair of pants. It's like the sisterhood of the traveling pants. It's like the sisterhood of the traveling pants, but it's just one guy with one pair of pants. The stupid pants lineage. And he spends his whole summer just trying on different pants.

Carl, why don't you just figure out your size? Sounds impossible, sir. Maybe I'll just put on this pair that's too big again. Carl, I'm telling you a solution. The tattoo parlors have closed down because of the shutdown, because of the virus. You can't use needles and stuff. So I blame that.

It's not his fault. It's not my fault. It's not his fault. By the way, even if you could get a tattoo on, you would get it put on someone else at this point. You'd be like, and where do you want it, sir? On that guy. Yeah.

I get home. I'm like, what? I've got it, sir? On that guy. Yeah. I get home, I'm like, what? I've got the tattoo too big. It's too big for my leg. It's way too big. On your back shoulder, so you're looking at it

in a mirror. I'm a 23. Sir, yeah. I'm a 43. I'm a 99. Length, 13. I'm an 11.

Oh, what's that backwards? Who knows? Right, so, I get this pair of pants that fits me the best. That's an 11. Oh, what's that backwards? Who knows? Right, so I get this pair of pants that fits me the best. That's last week. Now, I've taken them home, and I have not put them on since. I have them right here. Oh, we're going to do a live fashion show. Is that what's happening?

If I can use your bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So wait. No, no, do it in front of... We're all friends here. Let's see the goods, baby. This isn't Thailand. This isn't Thailand.

This isn't a street full of sex workers in Vegas. You wouldn't even do it in Thailand from what I heard. You're at my house. If I'm going to risk a fight, I want to see the hog. I think it could be. So these pants that you've got on now, are they... They fit you perfectly?

No. They don't fit you perfectly? Okay. These are the middle. These are the too hot. Because I was hoping I could have a... I'd love to have a punt at your size of shoe and jean. Do these look like they fit me?

I don't know. You're just grabbing your crotch. Yeah, but look how much room there is. There's a bit of room in there, ladies. So I'm not really calling them out. Carl, is the problem here that you just have an enormous hog? Is that what the issue is?

That doesn't sound like a problem. That you have the waist of a normal skinny man, and then your penis is just so large that you're like, these don't fit either. I would not be complaining. I would not be. Wait, didn't he say that there's heaps of room in there, though? Yes.

Yeah, but he's also got holes coming out of the dick. There's room everywhere, though. All right, do you want to try these new pair on yes and oh and then we can see how well because we're all over zoom then we can all have a fashion show yeah yeah give us a give us a look at him as well it's like playing they're pretty yeah and i love a podcast that has a visual element yeah for the audience so you know i think the listeners love that too the listeners love that part of this but that's up to the – it's the theme. Oh, they love it when we can see something that they can't.

Can I plug my podcast that's just me doing puzzles? By the way, I'm starting a new one called Where's Wally, a new podcast. It's up to our descriptive skills to create a theatre of the mind, guys. It's the theatre of the mind, exactly. Okay, right. I'm going to go into the change room. Well, I definitely won't lie about what I have seen.

I definitely won't be making things up. What I was hoping we could do, I was hoping for a scenario where the pants that he was wearing currently were the right size. And I reckon I'd be able to guess the shoe size and the waist size just by looking i reckon i could i reckon i could get it i reckon we're talking about 34 waist and a us 11 or 12 shoe still got the tags on just in case they don't fit what did you say so my internet is being a fuck so i didn't hear what you said i reckon i reckon carl you say 34 i reckon a 34 waist yeah 30 34 33 34 yeah i reckon 34 too yeah and shoe size 11 12 i reckon maybe 12 yeah i would guess

an 11 yeah yeah i mean yes like i could approximate it's pretty hard stuff isn't it all right guys it's really fucking difficult he's coming back okay so i'm getting a look at them looking pretty good i'm looking at the little fanny in front of the camera looking pretty good so do the do the thing where you like put your fingers like in the waist and kind of feel how much room there is that's looking pretty good to me get in front of the goddamn get in front of the camera they can't see that yeah yeah get in front of the camera Oh my god, it's beautiful I'm like a mother seeing a bride for the first time What size are we talking about?

I'm just crying Now wait, I'm going to say something I think these are too tight 28-32 I think they're too tight too Those look too tight to me Turn around, Carl Yeah

Wait, no, no, no Stand up and turn around Turn around all the way so I can see the tuchus Yeah. Wait, no, no, no. Stand up and turn around. Turn around all the way so I can see the tuchus. Carl, these are too fucking tight. These are like skinny jeans. They're already covered in stains for the listener at home, by the way. I don't know how he's done that.

He's had them on for all of about three minutes. Carl, those are too tight. They're pretty tight. Are those too tight? They're like tights. When he sits down, the bulge that I'm having to look at Is pretty brutal stuff No that's just another pair of pants under there Don't worry They're not too tight are they?

I mean they're stretched I had two other choices I think they're too tight Oh no Those are too tight But the others are Yes The others are way too

You look Dude you look like You've got a moose knuckle kind of situation But they look like Baryshnikov The shop's closed down, though. I can't go back. It's completely out of business. So every day when you get up, you've got to decide,

is it a skin tight day or is it a bit of a baggy day? You've got to judge it on humidity. You've got to be like, it's not too humid. I'll wear my fatties. Oh, it's really hot out there. I'll wear tights. Yeah. That's literally what I've done in Thailand at other times

where I've put jeans on and then gone, these fit fine. Get home, they're way too big. And I realize it's just so humid in Thailand, I didn't want the jeans to touch my legs and get sticky and sweaty. So I'm like, yeah, this is a good result. The ones you have on now, I'm not even doing a bit.

Stand up again. Those are too tight. No, don't stand up anymore. I can't take it. Yeah, there you go, Kyle. I'm gonna come. We're all coming, Nina. I mean, I think that waist-wise, they're probably fine,

but style-wise, you have gone for more. You've gone for like a skinny jean. You've gone for like an indie rock. Look, you're not Kate Moss. What the fuck are you doing? You're looking like Johnny Depp in 95. They're all good people. You're not on the guest list. Yes, they're good people.

Yes, but Carl, they had the definition that your torso doesn't have. God damn it. You know what? You need to start wearing. You know what jeans you have to start wearing? What? Guess. I, like, literally guess the brand.

The brand. It's made for you. What does that mean? I don't know what that means. It means you walk in and they go, Sir, what kind of pants do you want? You go, I don't know, guess. And then they go, right this way. Right, right.

Okay. I got it. I got it. It's a bit of an Abbott and Costello. Right, right. I just literally know nothing about jeans, even jokes. Even the jokes don't work on me. I just know that little about jeans.

Oh, the jokes I've known about for years. I reckon it might be almost Chino time for old Carl. Hopefully Banana Republic opens up in Australia when all this is done and then he can still be shopping there. Am I stuck in lockdown with too tight skinny jeans now? I think that might be it. I put on your fat boys. Yeah, you've got to retool the whole look.

Grow the fringe out, dye it black, like gel it down over one eye. Yeah, I agree. Go full emo? Yeah, yeah. Okay. I don't mind it. All right, well, on this disturbing sour note,

we'd better wrap it up for another week on the little dum-dum club. Guys, I don't think the Salvation Army are taking donations at the moment, but I am for jeans. If you could send me some jeans. Oh, yeah, to our post box. To our post box. Take a punt. Yeah, look.

Send Carl a pair of jeans, and if they fit perfectly, we'll send you a prize. What do you reckon my size is? It's Cinderella. It's the real Cinderella. Yeah. P.O. Box 6063 Hawthorne West, Victoria 3122. Yep.

What did you say, my size? I reckon you're like a, I'd say probably a 33 is the sweet spot. 33, okay. Okay, so a 33, and what's the cut? What's the style? I would go, I'd actually, you should go women's. You should do a,

I reckon you should do like a size 10 women's. Okay, I should wear women's jeans. I love it. Or size 12 women's because they're stretchier. They're stretchier. So they, you know,

you get all those in the right places. How do they take a stain? Are they good? Are they stain resistant or what? What about this? Oh, they'll,

they'll hide your pussy weed real good. If people want to post you Are they good? Are they stain resistant or what? What about this? They'll hide your pussy weed real good. If people want to post you different styles of jeans in a round of 33, or, you know, people who've seen live shows or whatever can speculate about your size, we'll give it a week or two, post you a couple of styles of jeans, and then you can do a little fashion show for your wife, and she can pick what she thinks. So get the waist size, but don't, like,

I reckon pick some different styles of pants. Maybe this is a good chance for you to kind of, like, diversify the wardrobe. Find yourself. You're a bit too stuck in denim. By the way, and Tommy, if I may, if someone wants to send some pajamas, okay. Skin-tight pajamas, that would be cool. That wasn't't a bad look maybe it's time for you to go through your nighty phase yeah call it a little negligee you can't fuck up a negligee can you you can't get one you can finally have a catchphrase leave this like when you're about

to do your clothes you go i'll be right back and then you turn around you you go, I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Oh, nice. Nice. So what I change into, I do like 19 minutes and then I change into a negligee to do one punchline. I'm going to say seven minutes just because we wanted to stick around. So we're going to do seven minutes. Keep it tight. Yeah, keep it as tight as your pants you don't know you're buying. Yep.

All right, I've got a lot to think about. All right, Gareth and Nina, thank you very much for joining us. Gareth, people can check out The Dollop, and you're also doing a comedy set inside your lounge room every week? Every Thursday, isn't it? Thanks for watching, Tommy. Yeah, every Thursday on my Instagram, I do improvised stand-up comedy from my room.

And people can send suggestions in at garriffslive at gmail.com. I'll be watching. Point versus point. I'll be watching this week, and I just hope your genes are in shot to see the work of the fucking great expert, the great wardrobe expert. I'll be absolutely magnifying you. No, no, no, but here's the deal. I actually dropped some pounds, so I had pants that were too big.

But the difference is, I knew. Someone's getting hot in quarantine. Fuck you, man. Fuck off. Well, if you go the other way and you're starting to pack it on in quarantine, I can ship over some jeans if you like. I don't want anything that's been on you. Nina, also people can check you

out on the Chaser podcast at the moment. Yes. They can. And also I've got an adult swim show coming up as well called YOLO Crystal Fantasy. And you're on Twitter calling out everyone that's ever done anything wrong in the world. So get onto that.

Follow Nina on that. All right. Guys, thanks very much for listening. And we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Hang on. Say that again.

Did I stutter? They've done it again. Hang on, say that again. Did I stutter? They've done it again. Sorry, man. Sometimes when I hear something for the first time ever, that sort of order of words, I'm like, okay, well, I just haven't heard that before. I need to hear it again because it's a little bit confusing to me. That's all.

So talk me through that. It takes the brain a few seconds to process so they've done it again so they in this case us uh hang on hang on hang on uh the act of you've lost me sorry sorry one word one word you've lost me sorry they meaning us well to me that's the opposite they're opposites aren't sorry, sorry. By they, I mean the two guys who host the little dum-dum club. Uh-huh. Carl and Tommy. Okay. Yeah, Carl and Tommy.

As opposed to us. So they. Tommy and Carl. Right. Okay, I get it. As opposed to us, Tommy and Carl, the hosts of Talking Dum-Dum. Right, right, right. So they've done it.

Now, that can mean a lot of things, but in this instance, it tends to mean, or the way I was thinking of it was that they've done a good job. They've done a good episode. And again, is at the end is implying that this is not their first rodeo. This is not the first time that these two particular fellas have done a particularly good job of hosting the Little Dum Dum Club. Okay, I'm pretty clear.

What about this? Could this be the world that this show exists in? Tommy and Carl host the Little Dum Dum Club, and this is Carl and Tommy host Talking Dum Dum. And so this is like we're bizarro Tommy and Carl. So we're the opposite of what we're like, of what the hosts are like of the little dum-dum club this is just completely the opposite um so it would be nice

if we switched it up so if on this if i'm talking dum-dum if i'm carl and you're tommy yeah yeah sort of yeah basically is that is that what it should be just just as a point of difference like you don't want the same thing all the way through. Otherwise, Little Dum Dum Club is just some weird pale imitation of Talking Dum Dum and looks bad compared to us. We don't want to show them up. So at least if we had a bit of diversity, a little bit of point of difference.

But I mean, as we've discussed many times, this is the superior show. So it almost feels like if they don't want to look like us, they're the ones that should change it up. Oh, they should change it up. Why should we change what we do? This is perfect. It's those guys that, I mean, even though they have done it again,

they could really stand to learn a thing or two from us. Well, what about this? You know, I mean, basically we've got two sets of two, you know, white guys. You know, Tommy and Carl should change it up. They should get a bit more diverse. There's only room for two white guys on this podcast. So they need to, I don't know, they need to do something different. They need to hire someone to replace them.

There's just too much middle-aged white guy. Yeah, if they want to mix it up, if they want to make it a bit more diverse, maybe next week Tommy and Carl could host the Little Dumb Dumb Club in blackface just so that it's not two white guys hosting it. Well, because it's an audio medium, what about if they do it in black voice?

Do you want to take a stab at what that might sound like? Absolutely not, Tommy. Saturday, August the 29th. Oh, wait, hang on. Have they kicked a big one? Yeah. Well, if they're in black voice, I will say, if they were in black voice this week,

I would say Bernie Mac has kicked a big one. Right, right. Shit, they've kicked a big one. Hey, mates, hit it. Yeah, Saturday, August the 29th, live on Zoom at 8.30pm. We're doing our third live show. And in tribute to the great Bernie Mac, I will be wearing a pair of pants with my own face airbrushed onto them.

So make sure. I'm going to try and... Look, it'll mean that I have to break Stage 4 restrictions in Melbourne, but I will be getting a DJ into my apartment to sit behind me and drop some musical stings at the end of every little punchline that I wheel out, and then I'll be dancing for a couple of minutes. Yeah, great. So that should be a lot of fun.

Great. And the rest of you guys have to hoot and holler. It's for Tommy's little birthday, so that'll be fun. We've done two of these already whilst we've had these restrictions forced upon us, which is all fine and dandy. Hope you're all getting through it out there, especially for people in Melbourne. The show will be at 8 o'clock at night, which we know you definitely have nothing better to do.

You're not allowed to go outside. You're not even allowed to watch this show at the drive-in. So, yeah, watch it inside. Watch it at home. Lock yourself up. Yeah, it'll be fun. The other two have been really fun. We've had heaps of people watching.

And, of course, we don't record these. We don't put them out in any other way. So it's just a nice little house party. So get into it. Get some grogs. Drink along with us. It'll be fun. Celebrate little Tommy Daslow's life.

Speaking of drive-in, you would have seen various places around the world. They've started doing drive-in gigs. I think there was meant to be one in Melbourne. There was meant to be a drive-in you would have seen like uh various places around the world they've started doing drive-in gigs i think there was one in melbourne there was meant to be like a drive-in concert well a bit of both there's been music but yeah there has been comedy ones in the uk i know there was a comedy drive-in gig what would you i mean look it's so hard to predict like what the next you know little while is going to look like in terms of a lot of things but live performance being one of them well if if we got an offer if if it was viable for us to do a drive-in live podcast what would you think about that what what would you say to that i would the money would have to be good it looks terrible it looks performance wise it looks like a terrible experience absolutely yeah

i i kind of think pretty funny too I kind of think. Pretty funny too. I kind of think, and look, this is true of a lot of forms of comedy, but I kind of think you've got to be some sort of, you've either got to really need the money or be some sort of fucking sociopath desperado to need the attention to do a drive-in comedy gig because you're up there, you're not even hearing your laughs. You're up there just watching

cars and i presume like if anyone honks their horn is that heckling or is that them laughing like what's the fucking politics i believe that people are meant to honk their horn as well i mean in the case of music i don't really know how it worked with comedy but like yeah you're meant to honk your horn at the end of a song to to symbolize clapping which i guess maybe people i guess it was maybe at the end of a joke at the in a punch line people were meant to like give it the horn right so so the equivalent of like putting you know putting your lighter up in the air that's just putting the high beams on everyone puts the high beams on um yeah if it's boring everyone puts the windscreen wipers on

i guess well that's the thing that would scare me about doing specifically this as a drive-in concert like our audience being in control of a fucking automobile right in front of us you know what if they don't like what we're doing, we're getting fucking mowed down. Yeah, yeah. The ultimate heckle. Yeah, that's very fair. Hit and run. Hit and run comedy. Yeah, that reminds me of – did they subscribe to hit and run comedy? Yeah, no, I don't think – I don't think we want to do that

and I don't think anyone else wants us to do it either, to be fair. So I think it's a hypothetical we probably won't have to encounter. But we'll see unless there's some eccentric millionaire millionaire out there who um who really wants to fucking get out and eat popcorn and watch us eat shit um yeah i don't think we're gonna have to have to deal with that um what else what else has been happening tommy um we're doing this over zoom where we haven't seen each other um i haven't even given you the the ramen noodles from last week yet um that was in in the mailbag last week so you're yet to receive no but i did um i did actually have a packet of that exact same brand that um that gentleman sent to us or sent to me.

And I ate them the other day. And so I'm going to just pretend that they were one of the ones that he sent me. So thank you for those noodles. They were very great. Okay. Well, let's open up the old – well, you know, we christened it. We gave the new name last week to the segment. Of course, for new listeners or people that haven't tuned in for a little while,

we have our own post office box now that finally, instead of me having to put my address or next door neighbor's address on the back of parcels when I send them out as a return address, we've got our own PO box, which means that no one knows where I live, no one can come and fucking get me. So it's great. We've got a neutral address that you can just send shit into and it immediately turns into content.

So, of course, it's LittleDumbDumbClub at P.O. Box 6063. Of course, that's 60 plus 6 plus 3. Hawthorne West, Victoria 22. If you want to chuck anything in and you might uh get your name and your content read out in this little segment that we christened last week the uh the cbs mailbag hit the uh hit the credits tommy hit the tunes here we go And so we, that's completely been cleared by legal. And that's CBS Mailbag. That stands for, what are we, Cretins Bring Shit.

Is that, that's one? Yeah. That's something? Yeah. I think that's probably the best one. That's something. Yeah. I think that's probably the best one. I will say, though, so what's this? Is this the third week now of the mailbag? I think so, yeah.

The pressure is on because so far it's been nothing but good stuff. It's been nice gifts. It's been practical things. There's yet to be a clunker in the mailbag that we've opened up and gone oh yeah good one so if you've sent stuff in the pressure really is on you you really you don't want to be that first dud that we open up because we will be really giving it to you on the air all right so we've got we've got a bunch of mail again this week so let's let's get stuck into it and like the other weeks i've done a little bit of a mix of it. I've opened some up and I haven't opened some up.

So we've got a bit of stuff that I can deliver confidently and some cool unboxing that we can film and put on YouTube later. Roll the dice, yeah. Now, Amanda has sent in a little parcel. It refers to things that we've talked about on the show, which is very nice of her. She's sent in a sticker and a couple of badges on the back of the sticker it says what we think versus what you think and what she's done is she's sent in two badges for us one two stick pins as you'd have on sale of the century really two little two little badges. One says, and they're both the map of South Australia,

one says SA great and the other says SA shit. Wow. Okay. Quite like that. So we can, maybe the next time we go and do a live show in Adelaide, we can wear these badges and we can not wear them, we can maybe the next time we go and do a live show in adelaide we can wear these badges and we can we can not wear them and we can wear them mid-show we can decide which badge to put on mid-show depending on how well the gig that goes yep how well how well it sells how well the

the response is uh all that stuff but we've only got we've only got one of each don't we or did she send two no one of each one of each so the idea that we have to share a pin so we've only got one of each don't we or did she send two no one of each one of each so the idea that we have to share a pin so we've just got to like kind of loop it through one of like each of our shirts and kind of conjoin ourselves yeah but that's using that's only if we both agree if one of us thinks it's shit one of us thinks it's a great gig we're sorted we've got one of each that's easy and we And we are pretty different. That's why the chemistry is so good. We are the original odd couple, as many people have said. Oscar and Dumcum.

So thanks very much, Amanda, for that. Okay. Thanks, Amanda. Now I need to open up some of this stuff. Yeah, thanks once again. This is a mystery item. Yeah, thanks everyone for sending this stuff in. It's an absolute pleasure to go to the mailbox and have mail i fucking love it um very nice to

feel wanted and and you know what when i go into the um the post office the guy that always serves me that's a big liverpool supporter and he always wants to talk to me about liverpool or about something he's like impressed by how much mail we get. Like, I'll come in and he'll go, you've got more parcels. You've got more stuff. And I'm like, wow, we must be getting some serious mail for the mailman to be impressed. Yeah, so that's pretty cool. Okay, Trevor.

Trevor has sent us in stickers. Beautiful bus shelters of Canberra. Okay. I like that. They look cool. Yeah, they're okay. I don't know. I like the design of them.

They're pretty cool. I assume this guy's from Canberra. A bit of a weird one if he's not. Yeah, okay. Thanks for those stickers that I will personally never use. Okay, we've got a big, big parcel here. What do you think about that? Pretty exciting to get a...

This is like a big A4, nearly A4, maybe slightly bigger than A5. Big, big parcel to unwrap, which is always exciting. I hope it's not just really, really... A lot of bubble wrap in there. Really thick bus stickers. Really heavy bus stickers. What the fuck have we got here? Oh, man, we've got some...

This thing is pretty packed in, pretty tight. Lots of bubble wrap, I can see. Yeah, we've got some serious shit going on. This is from... Kara? Kara. Yes, Kara. Kara. Yes, Kara. K-A-R-A-H.

Kara from Pimble, who is very nice. Very nice in a little card that she's made, which I've luckily just seen before I've chucked it out, unlike a parcel that my mum sent me the other day for my child, for Blanket. And then she keeps ringing up and going, have you read the card that I sent to little Blanket? And I'll be like, not yet, thinking I absolutely threw it in the bin as soon as I could.

I didn't even look at it myself. Yep. You don't want to lie and have her throw out a pop quiz about what was in the card. Oh, yeah. Catch you out. That's it. I was like, no, I've been too busy in lockdown to read out a card.

To read three lines. And pretty much it's just, I think mum's drawn a picture of the cat and she's basically going, have you shown Blanket the picture of the cat yet? Well, you know, you've just got to throw your kid under the bus and just go, oh, she hasn't gotten around to reading it yet. You know, I'm on her to have a crack, but it's her. It's not me. I've left it out for her.

Yeah, I started reading. I started reading, but she was like, boring. What else you got? So, yeah, that was it. So Cara has sent us, oh, man, a couple of like clay sippy cup things. Like coffee. Are these coffee cups, I guess? Keep cups?

Keep cups, yeah, yeah. But made out of clay. I've never even heard of that. Okay. It looks cool. Yeah, yeah, they look nice. It's clay, but it's got the little plastic keep cup. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Sorry, I was just confused there for a few seconds because I'm sort of waiting for there to, I don't know, be a hole in the bottom or there'd be scorpions inside it or there'd be some sort of like drink poison out of this and kill yourself cunt or something. But they're just a genuine nice gift. Just a nice gift. A bit confusing. Okay.

Thanks, Cara. Thanks, Cara. Okay, so for the final bit of mail mail bag for this week let's do this now this is something i put out on social media last week i said this is absolutely not not on this is not in the spirit of us getting our own post office box one of the one of the first days i go to the post office box there's mail for kappa mail for friend of the show nick kappa this is now this is not some sort of halfway house po box this is gifts for us things for us it's not to be used to send kappa anything okay not absolutely not appreciated you will be fined

within the full extent of the law if you've left some sort of um address inside this envelope uh we will hunt you down and you'll be uh absolutely punished so um but i kind of feel like you know this this is recorded this is going out there so i can't open someone else's mail that's a federal offense so i feel like we should get capper on the line so at least he can sign off on me opening his mail and he can see it as it's being opened. So let's get Kappa on the line just about now. Hit the big red button on the unplanned phone alternator. No, we're trying to answer the call,

so it's the big green button on the unplanned phone call alternator. Yeah, great, great. Okay, we've got Nick Capper on the line. Nick Capper, are you there? Yes. Oh, wow, what a pleasure. Giving you something to do. What's the highlights of your day been before us ringing you up for this podcast, Kappa?

Anything at all? Yes, I auditioned, guys. I might have to not be a guest soon because I'm going to the bright lights of being an actor in a commercial. So, ha-ha. Oh. Yep. What for? I don't know.

Just some, yeah. It's always the three deadly sins. It's either tobacco, drinking, or betting. Right. I think it's nothing like, I don't know, Greenpeace never asked me to be in one of their ads or anything. That's funny. Yeah.

That's funny because initially I thought you said, you know, it's always one of the three deadly sins. It's either drinking tobacco or bedding. And I'm like, what's wrong with fucking mattresses? What's the – why is that such a big industry of bad ads but it's bedding? No, bedding before marriage. Right, right. It's a big – a lot of advertising.

Yeah, yeah. But I did the audition over Zoom, and I never had a director praise me so much for this one bit of dialogue. He was like, man, that was so good. It lifted off the page. I'd never heard that before. And he goes, did you get that, Danielle? Did you get, Danielle? That was so good. It lifted off the page. I'd never heard that before. And he goes, did you get that, Danielle?

Did you get, Danielle? Danielle? And then the thing was frozen. He's like, all right, we'll have to re-record it again. So I did it again. Oh, no. Yeah. Oh, no. You're not going to get that mattress ad now.

No. No. No polypedic. What's it called? Posturepedic? Posturepedic dialogue. Polypedic. Oh. Carl.

Someone's been living in Melbourne for a bit. Now, Kappa, I think you're aware of this but we've been sent we're starting to get sent mail to you in our post office box which is absolutely not cool I've got two two letters for you

I can't believe this yeah this is absolutely not to be encouraged two letters for you but to be honest they look like they look like the same thing. I might be wrong, but they look like the same thing. So, look, I don't want to go to jail. That's awesome if it's someone who's sent it, forgotten that they've sent it, and then sent the exact same thing again.

That's my hope for what this is. Yeah, well, grapevines think alike, but I think in the case of your fans, maybe just all idiots think the same. Right, right. Have I got your permission

to open this mail, Nick Capper? Yes, you can open my mail. Nick Capper of P.O. Box 6063, Hawthorne West. Please be a bomb. Well, it's been sitting in my bedroom for a week. Did you say please be a bomb or a bong? No, please be a bomb.

Please be a bomb. To see Carl Chandler explode. Oh, you're right. Live on Zoom. You're right, it is a bomb. It's some of your comedy. Oh, no. Oh, really? Gotcha. Gotcha. Oh, damn right. It is a bomb. It's some of your comedy. Oh, no. Oh, really? Gotcha.

Gotcha. Oh, damn it. Walking to that one. I'm such an idiot. What is bombing, by the way? Here we go. I've opened it up. All right.

I've opened it up. And it is... Oh, okay. Oh, wow, Nick Capp. If someone has sent you female Depends underwear. Super underwear, medium absorbency. There you go. So that's for Capper.

Adult-sized underwear, like adult nappies. I think that's what they are. Yes, that's what Depends are. Yeah, this is the second time I've been sent these. What? You've been sent it twice to your own address as well? Yeah, when I went around the world in a tuxedo, I accidentally put my address on one video

and someone screenshotted it and sent fucking adult nappies to my house. Oh, that's great. This is a continuing thing. This is a serial mailer that's stalking you. Great. Yeah, yeah. What I love is as well, on top of that, on top of someone that's making this a regular thing,

thus giving a lot of people ideas on this podcast to make this a regular thing and send you even more of this, you've not only got adult diapers. Imagine you being a grown-up and pissing yourself. Imagine being a woman grown-up pissing yourself. You've got female underwear as well, just to absolutely really rub it in. Oh, what an insult. I would hate to be the lesser of the sexes.

Imagine pissing yourself while sitting down instead of standing up. Bloody hell. Yuck. Yeah. Imagine having loose flaps instead of just a dong that leaks, hey? Imagine that. Imagine being able to communicate without Amorar or the weather, you know? without Amorar or the weather, you know.

Man, this is an absolute, yeah, this has been a real downer. This idiot has really put me on a rollercoaster of emotion here. My first bit of fan mail, a P.O. box. It's like Agro's cartoon connection, you know, like a P.O. box. And I'm Agro, except Agro gets sent adult nappies rather than yeah instead of a nice little colored in pictures of aggro you've just got something to fucking put your shit in yeah yeah can more people send me that please just like no aggro's cartoon connection i'm gonna run competitions best picture of cappers riding the stage Yeah, yeah. Let's do Cap as Cartoon Connection. We'll do that.

Have you got a quiz or something for this week? Have you got maybe like if you can send in a drawn, coloured in picture of Capa in Capa's Cartoon Connection, doing something fun, doing like an ollie on a skateboard off the moon or some sort of superhero like Super Kappa, fucking carrying an aeroplane under his arm and flying through the air, something fucking crazy. We want a hand-drawn, coloured-in picture of Kappa

from Kappa's Cartoon Connection, please. And you can send that to Kappa's Cartoon Connection, P.O. Box 6063, Hawthorne West 3122, please. This is the best. And are we going to judge a winner by the end of the month? Maybe we give it until the end of August and we'll crown a

winner. And we'll have prizes. We'll have a bunch of prizes. We'll have like three or four things we send out. You know, some Dum Dum merch plus some Kappa prizes. Yes. Maybe a pair of Depends, a pair of Kappa's very own soiled and used women's Depends. We'll make a little video.

Oh, man. Can we make a video where I've got the stuff spread out? Like send your stuff into Kba's Cartoon Connection and you get all the stuff today. You get a hundred pieces of underwear, a dum-dum, a sticker, a prize pack. This is a new low, doing a colouring competition on a podcast. This is the worst idea we've ever had. This makes absolutely no sense.

Just us having to be on here and be like, yeah, so this one that we've decided is the winner. God, I wish you guys could see it. The sun, he's smiling. He's up in the sky. He's yellow, as you'd expect. See, that sounds good to me. That's up to our talents that we can paint this theater of the mind.

If we can describe the coloring yeah i think this is really good podcasting it's got to be in texture then we can go into a second phase of it where we describe the winning entry and then people have to do a drawing of what we've described and we see how quickly people how quickly you know how how accurately people's interpretation of our description of the drawing matches the drawing. We could just stretch this on for fucking stage five if we need to. Yeah, we could even take it further and do a magic eye.

You have to create your own Nick Capper magic eye. So let's get it clear. What we want, we want a fun drawing. We want a very fun drawing of Nick Happa doing something very fun and exciting, and we want it coloured in as well, well coloured in. Yeah, pencil, texture, crayon, no watercolours or shit like that. We want something very fridge-worthy. We want to be able to pin it up.

We want it on Kappa's fridge. That's it. The winning entry gets stuck up on Kappa's fridge. That's it. The winning entry gets stuck up on Kappa's fridge for the rest of the year. Yes. God.

Yep. Great. It's amazing. It's amazing. Send it in. Kappa's Cartoon Connection P.O. Box 6063 Hawthorne West 3122.

I like how 10 minutes ago I was like, never ever send anything to Kappa through this mailbox. 10 minutes later I'm plugging it and I've given our mailbox a different name. So that's how quickly things change. Yeah, yeah.

Kappa's got it. This is not the first time people have done weird shit to me. There was a guy, I reckon, for two or three years that would ring me in like a Scottish accent and go, Nick Kappa, did you know you sound like the Allianz man from the Allianz insurance commercial? Are you sure it's not the voice of the Allianz man? And that happened, I reckon. We just started, we kind of started having a friendship.

It was so weird. Great. And yeah, I never found out who that was. Never. Yeah. I'm surprised you didn't because I'm surprised given your relationship with just weirdos, I'm surprised you didn't end up sleeping on his couch within about seven days. Yeah.

Yeah. Who's this guy? He used to call me randomly for about two years. Yeah. Yeah, he used to prank call me for a couple of weeks and so I moved in after three weeks. Okay, that's great, Kappa. Okay, no worries. We'll get onto that.

Listeners, please, chuckle your, get to work, get scribbling away, get colouring away, send it to the mailbox and you could be in for a massive array of Dum Dum and Nick Kappa prizes that we'll give out in probably about three or four episodes' time. Very exciting. Yeah. I wonder if I can try and get a show bag made up.

I'll see if I can get a show bag. Oh, yes. That would be, fuck yeah, that'd be awesome. Capper's Cartoon Connection show bag, and we'll put a few dum-dum items in, and you've got to make your own items. Yeah, great, great. Yeah, yeah. I'll put Fantails and shit in there.

The Bori Beatle Show. Great. All right. We'll get on to that. We'll get on to that. All right. Thanks, Nick Capa, for joining us on Talking Dumb Dumb. No worries.

What a pleasure. Thanks, Capa. We'll check in with you soon. See you, buddy. Bye. All right. Let's get back. Let's get back to Talking Dumb Dumb.

Great. A bit of homework for everyone out there. All right. So let's get into the next segment, which, of course, is thank you to everyone who subscribes via Patreon. And there's a lot of you out there. It keeps the lights on in DumDumHQ.

It pays for the post office box. It pays for a lot of different little things. It pays for our rent. So very much appreciated. Thank you to everyone who does it so far. And we're encouraging more of you to get on board because you're getting lots of bonus episodes at the moment, of course. A lot of great shit, a lot of great content out there,

a lot of mini episodes we put out twice a week with some of your favourite guests. And, of course, you get your chance to have your name immortalised in Talking Dumb Dumb and read out and riffed on by two of the kings, Carl and Tommy, as opposed to Tommy and Carl. Exactly. So let's hit the big red button and get the first name out of the Unplanned Title Alternator. Thank you very much, Patreon subscriber number one for this week.

Thank you to Sam Woodman. Oh, Sam Woodman. I like this. He's a Woodman. I like this a lot. this a lot he's a he's a woodman he's a woodman he's um uh when do you think i mean was was wood for you always did it always mean erection growing up i feel like it was only i don't it would have been a term for erection for that long. I mean, maybe for like 20 years or 25 years or something. Yeah. But I definitely, it's not always, like, you know,

maybe like mid-teens it started to become the term for an erection. It's not something you, you know, when you first become aware of erections, like, you know, three years old, dad sneaks into your bedroom at night. Yeah. That gives me an idea for an entry for Cabba's Cartoon Connection. But it's not like, I think it's a bit more of a,

it's the slightly more, you know, I'm getting a bit mature. I it's a bit more of a it's the slightly more you know i'm getting a bit mature i'm getting a bit older now this is what i'll refer to my erection as don't you think okay um sure i guess i guess there's no need there's no use in learning the term would before you actually have your own erection because you don't really know what they are sort of before you're getting your own ones um but uh was watching Seinfeld the other night, the ass man episode where Kramer, it's funny, I nearly said Kappa. How would I ever confuse Kramer with Kappa? Two absolutely opposite figures.

So he gets the number plate, the ass man, and then he's driving around with the ass man. You know, people, I was confused back then when that episode came out when everyone's like, ah, cool, the ass man. I'm like, why would anyone be called – want to be called the ass man? Yeah. But was it like he just gets a lot of ass? Is that sort of what it meant, what it means?

Mm-hmm. Oh, are you asking me now? I thought you meant this was, that was you, I thought the end of the story was going to be that you'd worked it out over the years, but you're still confused? No, I guess I'm more aware now. I assume that that's what it means now, but I think I was a bit more confused back then.

I don't think that that term was as popularised. It was a bit more American or whatever, but I that's that's what it means isn't it you just you're getting you're getting uh no i i take it to mean you know you're boobs man or you're an ass yeah right i always took it to mean i always took it to mean that that's his uh that's that's the that's the k man's the k preference. The K-man likes a big old dump truck over a nice set of hooters. Right. Okay. Okay. See, I'm even still a bit confused now.

So is that what Sam is? He's more of a woodman. He's more of a wrecked penis fan than a flaccid penis fan. Right. I mean, we're all one or the other. We all prefer a stiffy or a big old flopper. Yeah, yeah. I should chuck that on the census.

What do you prefer, erect penis or flaccid? Yeah, yeah. When you go to the ice cream van, no thanks. I'd like a hard serve. Thank you, if that's possible. A rock-hard 30-cent cone from McDonald's possible um yeah i think that's what that means that's what i want i think that's what that must mean that's what he prefers when he's uh when he's looking down there you know it's if he sees that it's chubbed up it's putting a big old smile on the dial yeah if he if he's turned on by having a hard penis, that means when he gets a hard on,

he just gets another hard on after that. It's just an infinite loop. He's never been soft in his life. Yeah, it's a snake eating its own tail. Just continual. Yeah. I mean, I do love it when I look down and notice it's erect. I'm just like, get it, girl.

You know, it really makes me feel good. Yeah, right. Yeah. It just puts a spring in your step. Really puts a spring in my step. Yeah, I know it's going to be a good day if I, you know. Is that what people say to you instead of like saying, oh, it looks like you got up on the right side of the bed?

It's like, did you wake up with a rock hard dick? Is that what happens? You're walking down the street smiling, skipping along. Looks like someone had a massive boner as they awoke. Looks like someone woke up at full mast. Yeah, yeah. Looks like someone woke up in a tent that they didn't know they were in when they went to sleep.

Very nice, very nice. Very nice stuff. Yeah, yeah. Sam Woodman. Well, must be very nice. Yeah. Wish you luck on your continued love of the erections or erection. Maybe it's just, you know, he's just a fan of his own.

Just the one. Yeah. Yeah. I hope as you get older, things continue to go as well and your passion stays with you um have you ever have you ever had a um have you ever had any artificial assistance in terms of erection no no never tried i have considered getting on it getting on the dick pills recreationally i hear that's quite a fun time right from what i hear it's a um it's hear, it's just a lot more, I don't know,

it feels different from what I hear. So I don't know. I've kind of always thought, well, I don't, you know, I've never found myself unable to get it up. So why would I use that? But then I've heard people talk of just getting on it even though they don't need it. It gives you a bit of

extra bit of extra pizzazz so i don't know maybe i should give it a go bit of an extra sam woodman yeah um yeah what about yourself no no no i was i was someone offered it to me in thailand once surprisingly but i was i was the same as you but then afterwards i was like oh i wonder what wonder what it'd be like. But I guess I'll – What's the main – I know this sounds like I'm protesting too much. What's the fucking name of the – I'm completely blanking on it. The name of the brand, like the big – Viagra is the famous one.

Yeah, like when people make – Viagra. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Viagra. Yeah, yeah. Not that one. Well, maybe... The oldie version. There's a little suggestion for you that you can chuck into the old mailbag

if you want to send us something and you've been scratching your head. Boy, I just don't know what to send the boys. Send us some dick pills and we can take them both on Zoom. Oh, wow. Just tilt the camera downwards and do a live response. Yeah, great. An unboxing of Viagra. Yeah.

Great. Well, thanks, Sam Woodman. Thanks, Sam. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Joel Brenneman. Oof. Yeah, confusing. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Joel Brenneman. Yeah, confusing. Confusing. Two men so far, both with man at the end of their name. Just absolute cliches, these guys.

This Patreon read does not pass the Bechamel test. Lot of men. The Bechamel test. Bren of men. The Bechamel test. Yeah, yeah. Brenneman. That's weird. It's like the name is basically finished and then you're just chucking man on there. Brenner's a fine surname.

Why are we getting a man at the end there? Yeah. I don't like it. It's certainly in the club of names that I've never heard of before reading them out in part as part of this segment brenna man it's brenna is a girl's name so brenna man it's like it sounds like some sort of female superhero who forgot that you don't need to call yourself man at the end if you're not a man yeah yeah um that's like a very like that's almost like a very dumb like kind of like mafioso guy sort of thing like you know i know this girl called brenner and then then there's a girl called brenner and then he got mad on me and who was this a man or woman i forget you know

i am i'm currently going through your one of your favourite shows of all time, The Sopranos, Tommy Daslow. Oh, yeah. It's a bit of a date night little treat for us at home. Don't say her name. So we're officially one season in right now. That's it. Season one is down. How are you finding it?

Yeah, it's okay. I thought Don't Say Her Name would be a bit more into it given that she you know she tells me how much how italian she is i'm like all right well we're watching the sopranos there's nothing more italian than this apart from shows from actually italy um but you know she's sort of um you know she's sort of on the fence even one one season in she's sort of like oh yeah it yeah, it's okay. It's okay. So she did say, like, we talked about this years and years ago when we had a very ill-fated attempt to start watching it.

But she's like, she's against it. She's sort of against it because you can look at the show and you can see that it's not modern. You know, you can see it's not been filmed in the last five years. So she's sort of put off by the fact that it's not modern. You can see it's not been filmed in the last five years. So she's sort of put off by the fact that it's not new. And I'm like, well, what does that matter? It's like, oh, you can just see that it was filmed ages ago. It's like, well, why is that a problem?

It's like, well, you just know that heaps of good shows have been made since then. So like why watch this? Like you're right, we should bin all cinema and everything that has been made in the last 2,000 years. We should get rid of it, I reckon. I think she makes a good point.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I can sort of understand that with some things because it is the first, like, big landmark sort of, like, drama TV series of its kind. landmark sort of like drama TV series of its kind. But, I mean, if they had – I still think it holds up so well as like a great – you know, some things it's like, yeah, we have moved on from this. It's hard to go back to because it has been done better

and better and better. But I don't think that's the case specifically with that show. Yeah. I think you're – It's okay. You know, one of my favourite movies is North by Northwest. You go back now, it's a bit plodding, it's a bit slow. They could have sped it up a bit.

But you can see how people have improved on it and the pacing. You've still got the set pieces that are great and whatever. You can see a bit of that with Sopranos where it's like, yep, I can see this is probably the first of these sort of shows. Does things a little bit differently and plays against stereotype and whatever. But you've seen all these other shows that are faster paced than these. Now I can see that the pace of the show is a little bit more pedestrian

than what you watch now, I guess. Would you say that's fair? Yeah. Yeah, it does pick up a lot. I think the big things where it shows its age, I can't remember what happens in season one. Have there been any episodes where there's dreams yet? Like have there been any dream sequences in any you've watched?

I just passed the episode where Tony had that fantasy about the woman next door that he thought was real and it was the law student next door. And he was like talking to and it was the the law student next door and he was like talking to people about the law this beautiful italian law student and they're all like that she doesn't exist that's not a person so we've just got to we've just done that i mean like specifically anytime you see him have a dream it's so like clunky and of its type like things where big metaphors for things that he's done are happening to him in his dream big obvious metaphors in the way that like people just don't have dreams like

right and there's like things where he's like finding out information about the real world like in his dreams and it's like this just doesn't this just doesn't happen. This is just so dumb. It's not like you don't do something during the day and then immediately have it mirrored to you in your dream as like a metaphor for how you should have treated that person that night. It's just not how the brain works. Also, I always found it funny when people are like, oh, this is what your dream means. You have this dream and people go, this is what it means. It it's like what if you're an absolute dumb cunt who doesn't

even know what a metaphor is like how do you how are you more intelligent when you're unconscious than you are when you're conscious how is your fucking asleep brain like directing this fucking Fellini-esque David Lynch movie in your brain and then you're getting up in the morning going oh man I can't figure out this complicated fucking fantasy I came up with when I was fucking dead but I guess that's the beauty of the subconscious right it can be more intelligent than you are like it can be processing stuff in a way that you're not mentally equipped to handle. I had a dream last night that I was on a big hike in the woods, in the woodsman. And if that's not the brain just really rebelling against lockdown

and isolation and everything. That is borderline Sopranos on the nose. I woke up, I was like, yeah, I get it. It's a bummer not being able to go out. You don't need to fucking remind me of that in my sleep. Like, God. A bit obvious. You just wake up.

You wake up at 7 a.m. and go, a bit obvious, brain. Good one. Yeah. Pretty hack subconscious I've got at the moment. Yeah. Really on the nose stuff. Yeah. It's barely good enough for me to call you subconscious.

I'm just going to call you conscious at the moment. all right let's let's thanks thanks joel let's get through this i've just realized i have 50 minutes until i've got to be in back inside and i've got to run after this um so let's let's crack on um thank you very much to patreon subscriber Len Dines. Len Dines. L-E-N-D-I-N-E-S. Len Dines. What the fuck is going on? It sounds like a fake name that's meant to sound like something. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just started reading it backwards. Len Dines. The guy who likes lending. Len Dines. No, I think it's just a shit name. Yeah, it likes lending. Lendines. No, I think it's just a shit name. Yeah, it's an attempt at doing that and they've spelt it wrong. Lending.

It's Lendings. No, it's not. Lendines. Yeah, it's unusual. I've never seen that name. You know you get a lot of names here that you go, oh, I've seen this on the socials or whatever it is. Never seen Lynn Dines on the socials. So, look, that's good.

Do you think it's – this guy must have a problem with – if he calls up a restaurant to make a booking and they ask for the surname and he puts in Dines, D-I-N-E-S, they must just immediately be like, yeah, good one, cut. Real name, thanks. Yeah, and also – Don't give us a fucking suit. Yeah, I immediately be like, yeah, good one, cut. Real name, thanks. Yeah, and also. Don't give us a fucking suit. Yeah, I mean, no, you can't have the booking just primarily because your first name's Len as well.

Just fucking weird. Yeah. What do you want the booking for quarter to five in the afternoon? Because you sound like a geriatric old cunt. Yeah, there was a guy. I knew a guy. Fuck, I haven't thought of this guy forever but i knew a guy when i was about 21 22 and his name was len just met this guy called len and i just couldn't get over it i couldn't get over that i knew someone that was like 20

21 or 22 whose name is len and i would just he must have fucking hated it so much because i would just always bring it up and go i just just don't get it. Like, why? Why is your name Len? Like, you should only get that name once you get your pension. Then you get assigned that name. Was it short for Leonard? Or is Len just its own name? I really don't know.

I barely remember the guy now. I remember the name more than the guy's face or anything. I just remember the concept of Len. Most people work the other way around. I love that. That's awesome. Just the name stuck out so much. I couldn't pick this Len guy out of a lineup right now at all.

I know his name though. That counts for something. That's a nice little legacy to think that there's someone out there in that same situation with me who's completely forgotten everything I've ever said,

any characteristics, my face, my last name. There's just someone telling someone else, I met some cunt called Carl with a K once. Weird. Why is it weird? I don't know.

Just a bit weird. Just never met someone like that before. Yeah. Look, it could be this guy. This could be Len. This could be the Len from my early days. I feel like I've met him through university or something like that. So if this is you, Len, you know what?

It can't be. Because if Len stuck in my head so much back then, then the surname Dines would have absolutely – Dines would definitely – It would have given me a very early stroke, I think, if I'd have copped that. I'd have been in the presence of someone with two unusual names like that. Well, yeah, get in touch. I'm fascinated to know about this guy.

I want to know everything. I want to know all of it. I want to know the history behind both of your names, behind Len and behind Dines. I reckon there's got to be three stories for each of them. There's got to – you know what? That makes you a magnet for stories and interesting things. If you just give your baby a fucked up name, both names,

you're going to have an interesting life. There's going to be things happen to you, I think. For sure. You're going to be a magnet for occurrences, I think. So maybe the parents are just, you know, John and Betty Smith

and they've just gone, ah, we had such a boring life with these boring ass fucking names. Let's mix it up. We don't want our kid to grow up like us.

Let's mix it up. Yep. So. Let's try and correct this mistake of our parents. Yeah. So please, let's hear from you

the most interesting man in the world potentially, Len Dines. Yep. Let's try and correct this mistake of our parents. Yeah, so please, let's hear from you, the most interesting man in the world, potentially, Len Dines. Len Dines, get in touch. Everyone else, don't worry about it, but Len Dines, get in touch. Joel Brenneman, we never want to hear from you again. I mean, keep the money going, but Len Dines, get in touch. Thanks, Len. Please. Thank you very much Thanks Len

Patreon subscriber Belinda Quick Wow Yeah Don't mind that Don't mind that at all Absolutely And especially

In primary school At the roll call What do you mean? Well, roll call, of course, you do the surname first. Quick Belinda. Quick Belinda. Yeah. Right, right.

I more thought, you know, Q pretty late on in the alphabet. She's having a... That was a nice thing about having a surname starting with A. Pretty much, it was rare that I was in a class where I wasn't up the top of the roll. Get the name read out. Hang on a minute. Daslow doesn't start with A.

I think you've misspelt your name. Yeah, real clever. Real clever, mate. Real clever. What do you mean, Tommy? Tommy Daslow doesn't start with A. My last name being Allsop. Why doesn't it start with A?

My last name being Allsop before I transitioned into a – before I became a made man and transitioned into a full-time Italian. It was nice. You know, you get your name read out early in the role. Before you started doing Wogface. Yeah. Get your name read out early. Give it an I'm here. Get it out of the way.

Just sit back and relax for the rest of the roll call. Very nice stuff. Didn't mind it at all. Yeah. You get to line up first. You're at the start of the lines. That's the thing that sticks in my memory of just being first in line to walk into class and get your spot nice and early.

Get your spot on the carpet where you could just sit down to walk into class and get your spot nice and early. Get your spot on the carpet where you could just sit down and cross your legs and get an El Primo spot in the sun or something like that. Very good stuff. Quick Belinda. Lindy. Quick Lindy. That's what I'd call her.

Sorry to very quickly go back. I just thought of our friend Len from before. Wouldn't it be funny if his full name was... If he was just using Len as a shortening of Glenn? That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be fucking pretty sweet. That is good, especially if you're a Glen with two Ns at the end.

So you're just Glen with two Ns. That is. Shaving, or you're L-E-N, but you're just shaving a letter off each end of the name. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, abbreviating. Yeah, abbreviation. So like if this lady. Abbreviation is always, like pretty much always taking stuff off the back end.

It's not really off the front end, is it? Yeah. So if this lady was to do that, she'd be Elend. Elend. Ellen. Uh-oh. Yeah, Belinda. Belinda.

If you get born with Belinda, what do you go with? What's your abbreviation? Probably Belle. Probably go with Belle. Oh, really? So do you call yourself... Yeah.

Well, that then asks the question. Do you spell Belle B-E-L or do you do one of these abbreviations where you're actually adding letters on like some fucking absolute criminal because you're calling yourself B-E-L-L-E, which is no abbreviation because you're adding letters that don't exist in your name? Well, you know, as you well know,

I'm not averse to playing fast and loose with the name that was given to me on my birth certificate. So I would just go, yeah, go B-E-L-L. Why not? It's just changing your name at that point. It's not abbreviating. It's just going against God. That's what that is.

Yeah. You're playing mad scientist with nature. That's what you're doing. Hey, I'm just pretty progressive in that I think names are fluid. You know, they're a construct. So why not? You know, if you feel like you want to be called something else, then you go for it. I think we've got a regular Dr. Moreau over here with his fucking freak island.

Yeah. What about you? What would you go? You'd be a Linda. You'd be a real Lindainda i reckon yeah linda is i find linda a genuinely funny name though um it's so it's so 70s it's so like an impression of a name an impression of a 70s name not even a name it feels like no one's actually been called that yeah that's just that's just a name for someone in the movies yeah it's a bunch of letters playing dress up yeah yeah it's uh

i i would if i if i had to be a drag act i think linda i'd be pretty happy with linda as a name somewhere in there oh but it's got a bit typically it's pretty common to to have some kind of pun or something. Oh, yeah. So if you're married to Linda, what are you – what kind of pun name? My brain went to – which we've discussed on the podcast before. My brain went to the name Linda Tiff. And then I was like, oh, no, hang on. That's not a drag person nor is it a pun.

It's just a personal joke of ours. Yeah, it is. I think that would have to be it though because that would be funny because that's the expected thing to have a female name but for it to be a pun. Well, with our sense of humour, I think it's more like that's better. Just a weird first name and then like an afterthought. Oh, hang on, this has got to be slightly funny okay tits it's such a great like on the nose drag name just like putting a part of the female anatomy in your drag name to try and like really sell the fact that you are

meant to be appearing as a woman it's a it's a dumb person's drag name it's like okay here's a first name and here's something that signifies i'm a woman at the end god can we if anyone's listening to this and they're maybe they're maybe they're you know they've done a little bit of drag or they're interested in like you know professionally pursuing drag please if we could get the official drag star of the little dum-dum club linda tits if this if we could make this a real person. Yeah. Like, imagine this person goes big and just tuning into RuPaul's Drag Race in a couple of years and just seeing the Australian representative, Linda Tits,

like, fashioned out like a hot crop top out of a talking dumb-dumb hoodie. Fuck, that would be so good. Yeah, that would be great. Either that or, you know, you can go the easy version. You can make one of us into, you know, if anyone's good at, you can put this in the Kappa's comedy, what is it called? Kappa's fucking comedy, cartoon connection. You can draw a picture of one of us as a drag act or Photoshop us

and make up Linda Tits, that would be good as well. Sure. That would be good as well. Thanks, Belinda. Thanks, Belinda. Thank you very much to patrons. Let's do one more.

I've literally got 35 minutes left allowed to be outside, which means I have to get off this. Down the pavement. Get changed quick quick run out run basically run to your house and run back again and that's that that's all the time i've got um okay one more thank you to patreon subscriber oh okay wow all right okay look i don't want to spend too long on this but that's just weird to you know, it's been a bit of a weird assortment of names, you know, a bit up and down this week.

But back to back, I mean, look, after Belinda Quick, then we start talking about Linda Tits, the drag name, potential drag name. And we've actually got a drag act as the last one to read out this week. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Big Boobs Comedy. Yeah, okay.

So, well, how do you know that this is a drag act? Because it's come up with a picture of Big Boobs Comedy. Oh, right, okay. It's given the address here. It's given the address here. The Horny Beaver Strip Club in Comedy Town. Yeah, so. Ah, right, right, right.

This all checks out. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Well, thanks, Big Boobs. And thanks, everyone who supports the show on Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Sign up now. Get two bonus mini episodes a week. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the tickets to the live Zoom show.

August the 29th. Also, a bunch of merch and stuff on there. A bunch of old episodes on there. Thanks very much for listening. And we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.