The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 519 - Dave Thornton & Greg Larsen
Episode Date: September 9, 2020This week we've got DAVE THORNTON (hopefully) and GREG LARSEN joining us! We hear about Dave giving the people at Lifeline a reason to use their own services, and then we spend more time speculating o...n the hiring process for the people holding the stop signs out the front of construction sites. PLUS we finally do the unboxing of our Secret Samantha gifts, which gives birth to an enthralling NEW segment! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave Thornton and Greg Larson.
A lot of fun on this one, a brand new segment. So enjoy this. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com
for information about the Patreon and our merch and all sorts of other things. We will be back
at the end of the episode to chat to you more in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then,
enjoy this new episode with Dave Thornton and Greg Larson.
Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me, as always, the other half of
the program, Carl Chandler.
G'day, Dickhead.
Let's cross our fingers that people are able to hear what we're doing right now
and welcome into the program two very special guests.
Today we have Greg Larson and Dave Thornton.
Hello.
It's us.
Thank you for having me.
Now, for people at home listening right now,
if you're hearing Tommy introduce two people and then only hearing
one person respond, that's because Dave Thornton has not been able to record his end, as he
was just telling us before. The only other time he's tried to record something by his
Zoom stuff was for a suicide awareness charity, and he fucked it up, therefore doubling that
company's clients.
Is that really the clients?
Is it suicidal?
The call is coming from inside the building kind of situation.
Yeah.
It was horrendous.
I did this thing with an AFL player and an NFL player.
You know how now a lot of people like that.
It's just blokes showing feelings.
And it felt like one of those weird chats that you see footy players host
at, you know, schools.
We're going, guys, let's talk feelings.
Flame out, yeah?
What are we feeling?
We're right here in the centre of our chest.
Let's go.
Killing yourself is not cool, guys, all right?
It's not tubular.
And then so I did it and then the guy was like, yeah,
so just send me the file afterwards.
Then I'm looking on my computer like, there is no file.
Well, I've quickly, I've gotten on AirTasker
and gotten a court stenographer in on this chat transcribing the Zoom call.
So the second option is that people may be hearing what Dave said,
but it's in my voice.
So it might just sound like me talking to myself for an entire hour. The second option is that people may be hearing what Dave said, but it's in my voice.
So it might just sound like me talking to myself for an entire hour.
You know what would be good?
If we got Dave Hughes to read out the entire transcript of what Dave Thornton is saying,
that would be good to just get one back off him.
It's all about suicide prevention.
That's his stuff.
So were they super shitty at you?
Like how did that interaction go when you told them that you'd fucked it
and lost the recording?
You know what it reminded me of?
Because, I mean, we all met on Channel 31, you know,
when you're working on community radio.
Talk about wanting to kill yourself, yeah.
And you know how with us, like it's's all charity you're doing it for no pay so it's
like when someone screws up you just go oh well you know that's uh fair enough thanks thanks for
tuning up so the guy on the other line was just a bit of that like no you know you tried and yeah
that'd be great because you know with those charities when you when you contribute to
charity sometimes you they'll say,
right, you're paying $20 a month.
And what that does is that pays for this many wells to be built in Africa
and this many children to be fed.
It'd be great if you fucked that up.
And they're like, by fucking that audio up, Dave,
that means five extra people have killed themselves this month
and that's all down to you.
Jesus.
Daniel Andrews gets on the media
and at his press conference he's like
well there's been a spike
and then
we just bring your face up and like
we've
traced it back to Fitzroy
to one house in particular
Shay Thornton it says
out the front okay Okay, interesting.
And I'm the one guy in their office when I
call up for help. They're like, oh,
sorry, your face is on the dartboard.
So, sort of.
Lifeline says, please
call, except if your name is Dave
Thornton.
Oh, you've
been blackbanned by the suicide prevention
organisations across town. Amazing. They're saying to people, other people that ring up, Oh, you've been blackbanned by the suicide prevention organisations
across town.
Amazing.
They're saying to people, other people that ring up,
they're saying to them, look, mate, you've got something to live for.
You're not Thornton, all right?
I'm the yardstick of fuckness.
Yeah.
They're like, they put like a CC everyone in the building.
They're like, if you've ever wanted to bite back at someone,
this is your chance.
Ring up Thornton now.
You ring Thornton and get it all out onto him.
This is life isn't for you.
This is honestly, this has been the run this week for me in technology
because I've realized too, I'm not the oldest person here,
but the way that I'm talking, I distinctly'm not the oldest person here but the way that i'm talking i distinctly feel like the oldest person here i feel like i'm i'm in the process of being the
boomer on this podcast because this week i also uh for actually for listeners of the show that
would have watched the live podcast a couple weeks ago they would have seen my special mic
there was a few comments in the chats i noticed about my equipment whatever. Okay. I had a good outlay of equipment.
Why?
Because I do a couple of voiceovers.
All right, guys?
And I did my first one at home.
It's in the office that I'm in right now.
But because, like with normal houses, the acoustics just bounce every which way.
So we did a bit of a test and the guy goes, yeah, your mic's all good.
That sounds great.
But it's just bouncing off the wall.
So you need something to buffer that.
This guy who can't even work out saving a file is now telling us The guy goes, yeah, your mic's all good. That sounds great. But it's just bouncing off the wall. So you need something to buffer that. And he legitimately goes.
This guy who can't even work out saving a file is now telling us
about how acoustics work.
He didn't know who he was working with.
I'm just like, oh, bro, you don't understand.
What's an acoustic?
And he just said, honestly, make a tent.
And I started laughing.
He's like, no, no, make a tent. And started laughing he's like no no make a tent
i'm like what do you mean and he goes you just need a cloth over you because that will stop the
sound from reverberating around your room so i go and pick up a bed sheet i'm sitting in this office
with a bed sheet over myself just listening to they can't see me so i'm just like yeah you know
everything's fine here in my own little tent as a 40-year-old man. But the thing is by doing that, when I had my lamp on
so I could read the script that they'd sent me,
but it was just getting really hot.
So between takes, I muted myself and I had to take my T-shirt off
because I was sweating so much.
And I'm just then topless in a little fort I'd built just thinking,
oh, this is how I'm keeping my kids alive.
This is what I'm doing right now with my life.
And were you using the sheet that you already had
with the eye holes cut out of it?
Oh, that pointy one.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Acoustic's great.
The cone at the top of the head makes sure all the, like,
excess noise kind of goes up there and then bounces back down.
Wait till I tell the Grand Dragon about this.
noise kind of goes up there and then bounces back down.
Wait till I tell the Grand Dragon about this.
Oh, God, I hope this is coming through.
I hope we get this file at the end because this is good stuff so far.
It would be a shame if people had to miss out on this winning anecdote and just hear 20 seconds of silence just then.
Why don't we just use this as like an audition tape to be a guest
on this podcast?
So you just fill in the blanks.
This is an hour's worth of dum-dum.
The bit where we can't hear Thornton, you record what you would have said,
what you would have riffed on, and then send that in,
and we plug that into the conversation.
Right, right, right.
Yeah.
Like a colouring book.
Like a colouring book for podcasts.
Yes.
Yeah.
Let's legitimately do that.
Let's record a bunch of bumpers of just you and me kind of riffing
on a thing and put it out there as open source and this is it.
Make an audition tape and then we can play some of them on the show.
To be honest, I've been painted into a corner of being
a technologically backwards racist, so I'm happy to be taken.
of being a technologically backwards racist.
So I'm happy to be taken.
This is not going on my show reel.
Hey, don't forget all the suicide references, Thornton.
We're honestly seven minutes in.
We've covered a lot of ground already.
By the way, you haven't been on this show for a little while, Thorne. This is what we call the warm-up segment.
This is just us warming up the tyres at the start of the Grand Prix.
So we'll go flat out in a minute.
Ben, even this week, Chandler, you're like,
no, I just want to get some mates on.
We'll have some fun.
And now I'm a lightning rod for the entire country's angst.
Like, Lasso set me up so that if everyone's got problems in this country,
call Thorno and just ask.
That's great, Thorne.
Usually at this point I'm having to confess that I shit my own mouth this
week or something like that.
So it's great that we've got someone else to just fire on.
I'm loving it, to be honest.
Look, lockdown was fine until we recorded this.
Yeah, we had one week to go.
What about this?
This is something I talked about on the podcast a little while back.
Now, and it sounds a bit fucked, but it's interesting, I think,
that when you see people in high viz on the side of the road these days, right,
I've noticed in the last year or two that there are a lot more attractive girls that are in high-vis
now. They're in this road party, they're building some sort of road, they're doing something.
There are not only girls, but very good-looking girls going on.
All right, I've got Carl.
Well, hey, I'm just reporting what's happening.
There's a lot of attractive girls. Have you noticed? I've been looking around.
I've seen a lot of them.
Oh, they're high-vis.
They're out there.
They're fucking out there.
There's a lot of cuties.
Look, anything is creepy if you're going to do that voice, all right?
That's not fair.
You can sing Advance Australia Fair in that voice,
and all of a sudden it's some sort of pedophile anthem.
Just all right, okay?
Finally, I'm not the lowest ranking officer on this podcast.
Yeah, fuck.
See, that changed quick.
Fucking hell.
I should have really enjoyed that 10 minutes of thought
and lightning a little bit more.
So we talked about this really briefly on the pod a while back
and I was saying, I don't know what it is.
There's something going on.
There's something going on where there's a lot of attractive girls
now working in high views on the side of the road
doing council stuff, whatever.
And someone sent us a message saying that they reckon
or they heard, they read that there was some sort of rule
where it's like, okay, you've got to, by law, have more girls,
have more female participants in these sort of duties and stuff.
So then the guys in these sort of road gangs or whatever are just going,
oh, okay, well, let's get some lookers involved.
And so this guy was like telling us that they were going to,
especially in the whole COVID period where there's no gentlemen's clubs,
they were going to girls who were working in gentlemen's clubs and going,
well, you're not stripping anymore.
Do you want to come and work here?
And they were all like, yeah, of course.
We don't have any work.
Yeah, yeah, just hold a stop sign.
And I'm like, that sounds like an old wives' tale.
That sounds like some crazy –
that sounds like the biggest conspiracy theory I've heard
in the last couple of months, you know.
Yeah.
That just sounds crazy, don't you think?
It absolutely sounds crazy.
That's great.
A guy in the strip club, the guy in the strip club all in the high viz
and he's just like looking at the girl who's like gripping the pole,
just like mentally imagining a slow sign.
Yes.
A stripper pole.
Yeah.
Mentally Photoshopping that, they stopped it on.
But are these tradies,
what are they holding vigils outside the closed strip clubs
and then like hitting them up going, where do you find them?
How are they tracking them down?
So I was like, okay, this like, you know, visually this sort of makes sense.
I was like, but this can't be how they do it.
There's no way.
That's crazy.
But then yesterday I walked past the construction site
and there was like a good-looking girl holding the sign at the front.
And I'm like, okay.
And then I noticed she was wearing leather pants while she was doing it.
I'm like, I think that's it.
I think that's confirmation.
I think that's all I need.
Yeah, this sounds even more – that is –
I'm glad that story doesn't end with you going,
how did you get this job?
This is the 9-11 was an inside job theory of construction work like
like leather pants i've had leather pants before have you worked on a construction site in leather
pants though no but if you were i i would say there's if you've got a venn diagram of people
that are into motorbikes and people who work on construction sites, you're going to see a big crossover.
How much more likely is it?
Okay, because for a start, what's more likely that someone has ridden a motorbike to work, which people do, and worn their leathers and thought, I'll just wear the leathers.
It's Melbourne.
It's freezing fucking cold. It's fine to keep wearing them or they work as a stripper they have leather
pants and nothing else they have no other like what what distributors only have leather pants
like oh i don't own any any work pants i simply own only leather i can't afford anything but
leather i see i think greg you're being too woke for your own good what i think you what's coming work pants. I simply own only leather. I can't afford anything but leather.
See, I think, Greg, you're being too woke for your own good.
What I think, what's coming off you in this instance, I think,
Greg, is you're saying strippers
can't do the job of construction
workers. That's what I'm hearing from you.
Absolutely not saying that.
I'm for the women's lib, unlike yourself.
The master.
I think they could absolutely do that job.
I believe in them.
That's why I think that's happening.
They could do as many different jobs as you or I.
I think they could do any job.
If I saw a good-looking lady in leather chaps in a surgery,
I'd be like, makes sense.
They could do that job as well.
There's nothing stopping them.
This is a spin worthy of my famous Twitter thread, I'll say.
I do like the idea of Carlin at the Comancheros bikey clubhouse
just like, check out all these sexy strippers in here.
Trying to put a dollar bill
into the head of the Comancheros.
Do a little dance for me, sweetheart.
Yeah, snake, was it?
Yeah, all right.
That is a uniform.
Leather pants is a uniform.
Like if I saw someone in a footy club jumper,
I'd be like, well, chances are they might
play football.
That's just common sense.
That's just my eyes working properly.
Sorry, guys.
I think that's fair enough.
So Chandler, when you were in your running gear, taking a dump in the shrub, asking her
if she was a stripper, was her reaction, like, was she obliged? She was actually holding up the sign that said stop
while i was doing it i was like oh okay right
wait i i feel like that this is something i felt like we said talked about this on the podcast we
obviously haven't someone told me recently that they do and this is another
conspiracy theory they put attractive women on those stop slow signs because drivers would be
like yeah i'm i'll stop for this right they put them in charge of that so that young especially
young dudes like we all know insurance companies if you're an under 25 male they're like yeah i'm
not insuring you you you are one foot in the coffin we're not doing that and then but you know that guy's gonna go
i'll slow down for lady leather pants yeah absolutely yeah yeah yeah hey just just to
get things straight that's what i'm doing i'm just doing it for information so i can report
back that's all i just love how like with all these theories, how much discussion is in around these construction companies
with who holds the stop sign.
Like, there's committees meeting going,
fuck, we've got to sort this out.
We've got to figure out who's going to hold the stop sign.
Or it could just be, hey, who's the new person?
You get the stop sign, Judy, fuckhead.
That's probably the most close person.
Thor knows why it's such a brutal assumption,
just the idea that someone might be driving around and be like,
this bush pig is trying to tell me to slow down.
Dream on.
I'm not putting my foot on a brake for no three, okay?
I'll slow down for a six and upwards, guys.
Also, just the idea that the only people in cars are just blokey blokes.
There's no one else drives a car other than just the big boys.
Boys drive cars.
Girls go to swimming class.
I don't know.
I don't understand with all these facts getting thrown around.
It's a really aggressive tone. I don't understand with all these facts getting thrown around. It's a really aggressive tone.
I don't understand what's going on.
They have a roster.
They have a bench.
They have like five different people that can hold the sign,
and then there's someone else who radios them to say,
this is the kind of car that's coming up,
and this is the person that's driving it.
It's a lonely-looking single mother,
so then we've got like a hot guy with his rig out to hold the sign
because she's going to respect him.
She's going to adhere to the slowdown sign.
Then we've got a blokey bloke.
So it's like bring out the hot girl that looks like a stripper.
There's just like five or six of them that can hold the sign
at a moment's notice depending on the driver that's coming up.
That's what makes the most sense.
Yeah, yeah.
There's like an old 60-year-old Queenslander coming up.
So let's get, you know, a person of colour out there just so they'll slow down to yell
at them and tell them to go back to where they came from.
I feel like this is what they should do to deliver all the numbers of coronavirus cases
in Victoria.
If you just get your demographic and go, now it's your turn to watch the hot chicks, you'll
deliver the numbers.
And all the guys are like, oh, well, they're trying their hardest.
Yeah, well, fair enough.
Yeah, right, right.
That's great.
That's great.
So you mean like delivering the new restrictions,
like getting a hot person to deliver the new restrictions
so that, you know, soften the blow?
Yeah.
That makes sense.
I mean, it's so simple.
Human beings aren't that complicated it's like i i
always thought if i owned a shop the first thing you do is that you get a good looking person on
the counter because they're the shops you remember i i when i when i was growing up i'd always
remember the shops that had good looking girls on the counter i'd be going in buying stuff i
didn't need because it's like oh shop girl you know, you know? Yeah. No, I agree with Carl on this and I can't believe now I'm swimming
in the very grimy end of the pool with you.
Me and Thorno.
Yeah, you're like me.
Suck shit, Thorno.
Me and Greg just ate.
We don't really want to go in the water just yet.
We might get a cramp.
We're going to stay out here on the grass.
I remember there was a girl at a cafe near us when I was living in a share house,
and we called her Hot Surly Girl because that's exactly what she was.
She was hot, and she was extremely surly.
She hated being there.
And we loved it because it was like this weird masochistic thing.
We'd walk in there, and she'd just be the worst service,
and we're like, oh, sick.
She hates us.
This is awesome.
thing we'd walk in there and she just like with the worst service and we're like oh sick she hates us like this is awesome and i remember one time that genuinely shocked me i was waiting in line
and i get to the counter she's there she's got her head down from the last customer which i assume
she was looking through the tray of just money to sort it out or whatever she still had her head
down and i was standing there but waiting for her to look up so i go hey you know just a latte or
whatever and she still had her head down and after after about, I don't know, three, four seconds,
she kind of just goes, what?
And I was like, I don't know.
I'm so sorry I'm here.
I'm so sorry.
Like she hated that you were in front of her.
She hated she was working there.
And I just kept going back for more.
I loved it.
See, I'm the absolute opposite.
If I go into a shop and someone, a man or a woman, is very attractive,
I immediately am like, oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not supposed to be here.
And they just walk straight in.
I'm sorry.
I don't belong.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I probably stole something.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry for trying to give you money.
I don't know.
I didn't think that through.
What's the most attractive shop you've been into, though, Greg?
Some real lookers down at the Bar Mee place at the end of your street,
are there?
Yeah.
Not a lot of catwalk modelling going on in the pandemic,
so they're all working at the Bar M Me shop in Footscray now.
Actually, the only shop I'm going to in this whole lockdown is Costco.
I'm just buying bulk once every week and a half.
Surely that's a Petri dish at the moment.
Surely that's the worst place you can go.
But it's so big.
And I always plan my shopping at the very end of the day
when there's less people. But it's so big and i go like i always plan my shopping at the very end of the day when there's less people
but it's so big it's like even if there's heaps of people you can still be a football field away
from the next person it's that big right love it and then i just buy you know 48 cans of spam and
i'm on my way you know but if the girl at the counter's hot you're like oh no this is all
falling apart i'm just just going to go.
Yeah, yeah.
I was just window shopping.
I let myself out.
Oh, fuck.
I'm a fuckhead.
Sorry, did anyone tell you you could hold a stop-slow sign?
Like, you could totally do it.
Okay, bye. Bye.
That's actually, that's funny.
That's actually a metaphor that's come to life.
When, you know, when you see a good looking girl
And people say that phrase
You've got a face
That can stop traffic
Well here's your
Fucking big chance
Here's an actual job
Where that will work
I wonder how many people
Slow
I wonder how many people
Slow down and say that
To those
And it's like
It's like their version of
Someone at a retail shop
Going
Is that on savings
It's actually spendings.
Yeah, right.
Oh, damn.
I'm the guy that thinks I've come up with something for the first time right now.
You could stop traffic.
You could stop traffic, love.
Yeah, right.
Oh, fuck.
God damn it.
I mean, it's a good discussion point, but unfortunately it's brutal because I feel like
the only way to close off this topic
is that one of us is just going to have to ask a stop sign holder the next time we walk past a
construction site are you a stripper how did how did you get this job was it from stripping like
oh that's yeah i don't i feel like we don't no one needs no one needs to ask that you don't need
to ask it you can just go we need we need a listener to ask that. You don't need to ask it.
You can just go.
We need a listener to ask it.
We need someone to take the bullet for us.
Yeah, I don't want to do it.
Then we're still linked to it.
Then they get arrested and they're like,
my favourite podcast told me to do this.
And then you take it to it.
You show me the law where it's illegal to ask someone if they're a stripper.
That is not a law quite
yet. And if it is,
I'm prepared to go out and march for our freedom
now. Sure, sure.
That is exactly
what a sovereign citizen, that is what
sovereign citizens always say. They're like, show me
the law, show me the legislation, show me the
line, article.
Mind you,
I think you've got an out clause because the name of your podcast does
sound like someone's acquired a brain injury like the little dum-dum club told me to do it
you're like okay champ i think there's a loophole you've gotten out of here well and my issue with
it is like the person that listens to this that is going to ask that i don't think they're going
to be asking with too much of a deft touch that's my that you know what i mean i think there's going
to be a lot of liberties taken in exactly how they ask and you know maybe some
other questions and statements that they throw into the mix at the same time that's that's where
that's where i think the law is probably going to end up coming into it yeah anyway okay well um
all right well we'll leave that for now well um i'm sure we'll hear back from someone um now it was tommy daslow's birthday
the other day oh happy birthday happy 14th happy yeah well thank you it's um now uh like you
mentioned before thorno we did have like a live zoom show a week or so back and um you know i i
paid a lot of money for some cameos uh we've been talking about cameo a lot on the podcast lately.
Now, I spent hundreds of dollars buying cameos for Tommy for his birthday.
And I thought I'll just play a little bit of it now just to get our money's worth out of it
instead of it just all being burnt on that.
And what I did was I got the, what is it, the butler, the butler from the nanny?
Yes. Oh, Niles. Yeah,ler, the butler from the nanny. Yes.
Oh, Niles.
Yeah, Niles.
Niles from the nanny.
Yeah, pretty good, pretty good.
But the thing is I set it all up.
I sort of like gave each person different information about him
and I pretended it was like, you know, Tommy's 15th birthday or whatever.
And I looked, for example, I told Niles,
I told Niles that Tommy had just recovered from cancer
and he just didn't mention it the whole time.
He just kept calling Tommy a very special little boy.
Jeez.
That's good.
While we're recapping, we should also point out later on in that episode,
after you'd played the Niles thing, we had Nina
Oyama on and we were talking about that
video and Nina goes, Niles
is from Buffy, you fucking idiot.
Sure.
And then, so then
we had, and I'll play a bit of that
this now, I got the Soup Nazi.
The Soup Nazi is fucking,
this is the most he's ever earned, I reckon, at the moment, the Soup Nazi. Like Soup Nazi is fucking, this is the most he's ever earned,
I reckon, at the moment, the Soup Nazi.
Like, he would have got paid a couple hundred bucks for that at the time.
He is now doing, that cost me $110, I think, to get this done.
He'd be doing 20 of them a day, I reckon.
So I'll just try and play some of that now.
Tommy DeSoto, I have a message for you from Mr. Comedy and the Soup Nazi.
So, Tommy, it's your birthday, huh?
Well, happy birthday there, young man.
Also, well, I have to admit to you, this is a comedy intervention.
You stink worse than Nick Capper.
And, well, I guess that means no comedy for you.
Next!
That'll do.
That'll do.
He's really good.
He sounds like, if you hadn't told me that was the Soup Nazi,
I wouldn't have known.
Oh, really?
He doesn't sound like the soup Nazi.
He sounds like a guy doing a bad impression of the soup Nazi.
Yeah, that's fair.
That's fair.
But he then riffs for about a minute and a half after that.
I gave him the info then, and then he just goes into his own stuff
where he's like, and then you're so bad at comedy, I would say,
no bread.
And he just wedges as many're so bad at comedy i would say uh no bread and he just you
know he he just wedges as many references so you remember that he is the soup nazi even though he
opens up by going i am the soup nazi yeah so yeah i mean it's been so long since he did that role
that by the time he got on cameo he would have been like ah fuck how did i do that voice again
like what yeah yeah what was it oh man what was i doing on the day? 26 years or something?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he, but the funny thing is him,
so the third one that I got was an impersonator of Ron Burgundy who was absolutely fucking atrocious on purpose.
I got it because it looked terrible.
And the great thing was that the soup Nazi and Niles from The Nanny
got theirs done in about three hours after I ordered it
and the Ron Burgundy impersonator took three days.
Fucking hell.
Had to find his character.
The Soup Nazi, too, like, I wish people could see the visual
because he's in, like, you know, a home office or whatever.
He's in this, like, big leather office chair,
but then he's wearing, like, a black sleeveless T-shirt.
It's just the most grim combo of like seating and wardrobe coming together.
Like it's just, it's, oh, he doesn't look like he's in a good way.
We talked about it on the show at the time,
but he charges another $300 to wear a chef outfit,
which is just so, so funny.
But his alibi for that is like, oh, I've got to go and source the chef outfit.
It's like, cunt, just have it.
Have it in the spare room.
I reckon it costs – surely it doesn't cost much more than $300 to get a chef's outfit.
No.
Once.
Just get one.
He thinks they're like disposable.
He thinks they're like masks or something.
You just wear a chef outfit once and then immediately have to throw it away.
Yeah.
So anyway, that was Tommy's birthday. like masks or something. You just wear a chef outfit once and then immediately have to throw it away. Yeah. So,
so anyway,
that was,
that was Tommy's birthday.
Now,
that's just quickly,
that's a good spin-off series
for the Soup Nazi now.
It's like Doc Oster,
it's like Kirby Enthusiasm style
and each episode is
he's gotten a new cameo request
where they want him
to wear the chef's outfit
and each episode
is a different scrape that he gets into trying to track down
a different chef's outfit.
I'd watch that.
That'd be great.
Why isn't he pitching that?
That's a great show.
That makes sense.
Also, I just want to point this out.
I mean, the art community has been an uproar saying we deserve better access
to JobKeeper.
Never play this audio to the powers that be
because this is what you put 700 bucks you earn every week into.
We need it for the arts.
We need it to give us a flight.
It's a business expense.
It's a business expense.
You wouldn't say, oh, you're a hardware store owner,
you can't buy a cash register.
No, you need a cash register.
You need soup Nazi footage to make more money.
We need a guy that was on a show 25 years ago
that was on one episode for approximately 40 seconds in total
and we need him to say happy birthday.
That's what we need.
You've got to spend money to make money.
That's the basic principle of business.
Spend money to make money.
That's how you do it.
I lost 30% of my income, and what business is it of yours
what I spend the remaining 70% on, okay?
Yeah.
So spinning off into that, so it was Tommy's birthday.
Now, that goes – gifts fory's birthday glides very nicely
into this now months and months ago basically the start of the the pandemic we were talking
about this now i don't know if you guys have been doing much of this but being stuck inside
especially in melbourne um we tended to get online do a lot more online shopping than we've ever done
before we tend to be getting on this every week and talking about how basically our lives have turned into 50% shopping online, 50% pining like a dog at the door
waiting for the postman to deliver whatever you'd ordered three weeks before.
So that was – are you guys getting much into the online shopping, Greg, Dave?
Yeah, absolutely.
I've been going crazy.
Well, actually not so much in the last few weeks because I've got no more money.
But in the time when I was at home alone together,
yeah, really spending that cash.
What's the dumbest thing?
Have you got anything spectacularly dumb that you bought at the time
just because you're in that fog, that haze of like,
well, we're never going outside again.
I can't spend any money outside.
I might as well just get rid of it now. Yeah, I bought a Garfield suit. Oh, well, we're never going outside again. I can't spend any money outside. I might as well just get rid of it now.
Yeah, I bought a Garfield suit.
Oh, yes, right.
I don't know if that counts as one of the dumb...
I don't know.
Yeah, I think that gets across the line.
But again, as I say, spend money and make money.
I've already had a pretty good Instagram post about it.
So, you know.
It's all paying off.
Unless you're going to start up an OnlyFans account, Greg.
I don't think you've got your money's worth out of it quite yet.
I should.
I should start up an OnlyFans Garfield.
That would be great.
I was genuinely going through it going,
oh, is there anything I've bought?
And then you just trump that.
And I'm like, well, he's got 21, doesn't he?
There's no point in even showing my hair.
I had a good one recently.
So my local postie has this great habit where they won't drop the slips
into my mailbox that there's something waiting for me at the post office
until like the final notice, until the like,
hey, this has been ages, come and get it.
But like they never put in any of the other like, you know,
first notices or whatever.
So I went into the post office recently to go,
like I got this final notice.
I go into the post office.
It's packed.
There's like huge line in there.
I'm in the line for fucking ages. And then I get to the end of the line and they're like and i was expecting a few things at this point like a few very like this is when i was
like deep into buying a lot of stuff online so i get to the counter and i give over the slip and
they're like no this is a final notice like we've sent this back like we've sent this back to the
sender because we just had it for so fucking long and i'm like oh my god so i'm like all right can
can you tell me like who like
where it came from like who the sender was so that I can like you know now hit them up and try and
get them to like send it back to me or whatever and the lady reads out the name of the company
it wasn't Amazon it wasn't book depository what it was was a company that had sponsored this podcast
and had sent us both a copy of the product.
And I don't want to say the name of the company to give them, you know,
a free ad or anything, a free extra ad.
But the name of the company makes it very clear that this is a product
that one would use for trimming their own pubes.
And this lady behind the counter announces this very loudly
so that the entire post office hears this.
And I go, and then I have to sort of sheepishly go, yeah, righto, yep, yep, I'll, yeah, yeah, no, okay,
I'll just follow up with them, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so then I'm just walking back through the post office with this just huge crowd of people looking at me going,
well, this guy just has an absolute disaster situation going on in the pubes.
Like, we all know that now.
So, yeah, when the barbers reopen, I'm walking in there
and just doing a handstand in the chair and just saying,
go for it, boys.
Give me a number one.
Number one all over.
And did you shoot back to them,
and when my Odie outfit comes in, let me know.
I've got a mate I'm really going to sync up with.
And if I can somehow trim my pubes into the shape of lasagna,
I think we're going to have a pretty good Monday.
I think I'm actually going to like Monday from now on.
Yeah, I've got a friend of mine who's going to chow down.
to mine.
Yeah, I got a friend of mine who's going to chow down.
Now, look, we were talking a lot about buying stuff online, Tommy and I, and we were like saying we got to a point where we said, you know what?
You want to be nicer?
Instead of selfishly buying stuff for ourselves all the time, we'll buy something for each
other.
I'll buy like a mystery little gift'll um i'll buy like a mystery
little gift for tommy and he'll buy a mystery gift for me it'll be like a secret santa except it's not
christmas and it's not secret because we know each other so it's more of a secret samantha
as in samantha was did a lot of shopping on sex in the city pretty cool um so we we started that
about five or six months ago and then sort of lost interest and then we remembered again
and then Tommy got his sent to me and then that reminded me,
oh, I haven't done mine yet.
And so now it's taken months.
So anyway, that was basically six months ago.
Now this is the culmination of that plan.
Today we've both finally got our presents right here.
So I'll go first.
Tommy, I haven't opened this or anything.
So this is an unboxing.
This is an unboxing, exactly.
This is an unboxing.
Yeah, yeah.
This is really exciting.
I know.
I'm not being sarcastic, by the way.
Yeah, yeah.
I've got this flat envelope sort of thing,
and I presume this is the one,
and it's from Canada, which is pretty exciting.
The land of maple syrup.
It could be maple syrup.
Well, yeah, it's not in a container because it's pretty flat.
That's true.
It could be Alanis Morissette.
It could be anything Canadian. It would be ironic if she it's pretty flat. That's true. It could be Alanis Morissette. It could be anything Canadian.
It would be ironic if she was squished flat.
I guess that's something.
It could be a photo of Alanis Morissette coated in maple syrup.
You don't know.
Well, nice, nice.
I guess we'll never know.
Well, we will when you open it.
Oh, that's right.
That's true.
Passing Justin Trudeau.
You just never know.
Yeah.
The other rule was we were supposed to only spend about $20
and it was supposed to be like good for the show,
like good content for the show.
But then I asked Tommy and he goes,
I forgot both of those rules so I just bought whatever.
So then that allowed me to excuse those rules.
But anyway.
Yeah, by the time we got around to doing it,
I had completely forgotten what the point of it was meant to be so i mine's just kind of like a nice genuine thing that sort of
ties into stuff that we've talked about on the show that i think that i think you'll enjoy and
i think also by the time i yeah i i went over the limit because by the time i got postage and
everything so yeah yeah right okay so do you want to do yours first and then i'll do mine yeah mine's
half open right now so i'm opening it right now.
All right.
And it is, here we go.
This is a picture of me fucking Carl's wife.
There's another envelope inside the bigger envelope.
Yeah, there's tissue paper and everything happening.
Oh, it looks fancy.
The smaller envelope looks fancy.
I can't see.
I hope this isn't the thing I've sent.
It's just some random mail that Carl's gotten.
It's an infringement notice.
Thanks, man.
I appreciate this.
You know what?
You know what?
It actually isn't the thing you got me, I don't think.
What is it?
It just says, hi, Carl.
Thank you for your support.
I hope you for your support.
I hope you enjoy the print.
I love Tom Yum Goong.
Cheers, Amara.
And there's stickers of Thai food.
Is this what you sent me? No, that's mine.
Yeah, it's not stickers.
It's a print.
It's meant to be like a nice print
because you talk about how you don't have any art on your walls.
It's like an illustrated thing of nice Thai food
that I thought you
could hang on your wall.
That's, well, what threw me off was it said from Amara, which, you know, I've known you
for over 10 years and that's not your name, Tommy.
Yeah.
Unless you've changed your name again.
I don't know.
I can't keep up.
Again, yeah.
But yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So I've got a nice little picture of different Thai food.
Okay.
Nice. All right. Lovely. So you can frame that up little picture of different Thai food. Okay, nice.
All right, lovely.
So you can frame that up.
You're going to frame it up?
Yeah, I guess I could.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, nice.
I reckon you could hang that in the dunny.
I reckon you could absolutely.
Oh, yeah?
That is good enough for the dunny door.
Yeah, but that's actually really good.
And look at all the different Thai foods and think about it
while you're sitting on the dunny.
But, Larsa, I do feel like if you put that up on any wall,
it's almost like putting up a photo of your mistress
that your partner has to look at every day
because I know Thailand takes you over.
Yeah.
And it's like your partner's going, oh, so she's back, is she?
Yeah, well, I can't help it, okay?
Penang's always going to have a part of her heart.
She's back, is she?
Yeah, well, I can't help it, okay?
Penang's always going to have a part of her heart.
That classic move where someone has a framed photo of their mistress just hanging up in their house.
That's a real power move.
But what if you did that especially?
You did all of that, but then you had the framed picture
of your mistress in the dunny as well?
Yeah, yeah.
Your wife going, who's that?
And you're going, oh, it came with the frame.
But you're in the photo.
You're in the photo having a root.
Competition is the cornerstone of progress, guys.
Like if you just stoke those fires.
Yeah, what's she wearing there?
Leather pants and high-vis?
Okay, that's weird.
Well, yeah, because also I think you've said this on the show,
but we were talking for a while about how you have no art
or anything hanging up on the walls in your apartment,
and then you went and got something,
and your wife immediately objected to it.
So I was like trying to get something that you would enjoy hanging on the walls
and that also your wife wouldn't have any objection to.
And it's like a kind of nice, bright, kind of illustrated, colourful print.
So see what she thinks of it and see if that'll pass the don't say her name test.
Yes, okay, I will.
And I actually really like the idea of putting that in the bathroom,
even if it's like completely opposite the toilet.
So as you're sitting there, as I'm sitting there straining and going,
fuck, what's wrong with me?
And then I can look at the picture of Thai food and go,
oh, well, that's what's coming out at the moment.
Actually, that actually solves that problem.
I thought it was more like one in, one out.
Like, all right, guys, we've just created some room.
Which one are you bad boys?
Oh, I could use it as a permanent menu to a restaurant that doesn't exist.
That's good.
Just –
Yeah.
When you said – when you so quickly were like,
no, I don't think it's the thing you got me,
who did you think had sent you that?
Well, I don't – then I started thinking, well, we've got our own PO box now,
so this is obviously just a listener of the show.
And then I realized, no, this was posted to my house.
And then I'm like, who knows my address?
So, yeah, that makes more sense.
Amari knows your address, mate.
That's right.
Tommy, you're opening your one now.
I'm going to open mine.
So mine's like a pretty big box.
That's huge.
You are literally unboxing.
I was on the enveloping. You are actually unboxing right but this is wrapping you've got genuine wrapped up
yeah this looks like a wedding this off yeah i've actually dropped this off this is not coming to
mail ah so you're the super spreader mail yeah it's coming to mail and then i've dropped it off
like no not super spreading just just Just out the front of the house.
And this is definitely from me.
This is definitely from me.
It's a big box.
It says, now I'm looking at a big silver box that says,
keep chilled on it.
Keep chilled?
Was it lobsters?
Wouldn't mind a bit of seafood.
Look, that might be a bit of a trick, that sticker.
That might be. I'll a trick, that sticker.
That might be... I'll be coming round to yours if that's a lobster.
I feel like it's a stop-slow sign on a pair of leather pants.
Go for it, Tommy.
Reach your dreams.
Okay, Tommy, for people at home, Tommy's pulling up.
There's so much to this.
Yeah, there's two parts to it.
Now, there's two separate puzzles in here that are both
bubble wrapped. I would
open up, Tommy, I would open up the other one
first, not that one. The other one first? Okay.
Yeah. So this one's
got wrapping paper with little hearts all over it.
Oh, little love hearts. That's nice.
So there's been a full box wrapped up like
a wedding present, a box within that
and now you've got two little things like
a babushka doll that have come out of that.
So, mate, you've committed.
There's a lot of effort there, Carl.
Yeah, look, there's certainly
an argument to be made that
whatever's going to be in there is going to be better than some pictures
of Pad Thai. But, you know, look, let's
see. Let's have a look.
You just got the present.
There's a box that says love.
Something fucked is going to be in here for sure
It's going to be like the end of the movie Seven
That's what's going to happen
So inside the box there's a little
Piece of paper
Black paper with gold text on it that says
Goditi il distruttore
Do any of you guys know what that means?
No.
I think distributore means something like distribute.
I'm going to put it into Google.
I don't think I even know what it means, to be honest.
Godite il distributore.
Maybe gold distribution, boys.
Now, look, some of this is out of my hands.
Some of this has been ordered in, so this is not completely down to me.
It means enjoy the destroyer.
And so I would assume that the destroyer is this.
It's a dildo.
It's a dildo.
That's a hot picture. Enjoy the destroy a dildo. That's a hot picture.
Enjoy the destroyer.
Enjoy it.
That's funny.
Now, Tommy, it is a dildo.
Now, what we need to explain to our two guests,
and of course our listeners will know that at the start of COVID,
at the start of all this pandemic,
Tommy did say, whereas I said to myself,
you know what, I'm going to try and learn to speak thai i you know other people want to learn to the banjo or whatever tommy's
ambition at the start of lockdown was i want to get pegged by my girlfriend i want my my girlfriend
to fuck me from behind um and that's what he wants to get out of this time and there's been a lot of
talk about it a lot of talk but not much action.
So I figured maybe we could move this on and help him with his little resolution.
So, Carl, you got this delivered to you and then you've dropped it off to me.
That's right.
Did you mention that?
Why is there saliva all over this?
Now, Tommy, if you want to quickly open up your second little...
Wait, before you do, I do have a question
because the sign was handwritten, the little sign.
Yeah, it was handwritten.
Which does speak to a bespoke present.
Like this feels like it's one of a kind.
Now, is that shaped after anyone else's appendage?
Because it is an extremely lifelike dildo.
I haven't seen many in my life, but that has got the full head and shaft,
bainty shaft, big pink rubber.
Is that – who was the model?
Dave Thornton.
Dave Thornton, you are an extremely perceptive young man.
Thank you.
You've seen something that everyone else has missed.
Now, while we're seeing
that the second gift
has been opened up
and it's a...
What would you describe
that as, Tommy?
It's the harness.
The brand name is
Cal Exotics
Her Royal Harness.
Crotchless.
Fits up to 64 inches.
So there we go.
There's that there.
Great.
To take the destroyer to to fasten the
destroyer to affix the destroyer to so i don't know i hope yeah i hope that's your girlfriend's
size i'm not sure it's hard to it's hard to buy for girls and their sizes i'm not really sure
um well it looks like it could be a bit of a one size fits all type of like there's
there's straps there's adjustability there yeah it's adjustable
yeah yeah yeah yeah so going going into the change room it's sexy land to try on the harness
how are you going in there oh can i get the size up sorry i put a bit of weight on in lockdown
have you got this change you so i lost a bit of weight over summer and now i'm i'm barely able
to fuck my boyfriend up the ass with this.
So if I could bring this back.
Have you got this in a 32-34 long?
Have you got this?
Got to work it out.
So the harness was interesting.
You're welcome, Tommy, for starters.
The harness was very loose.
Thank you.
I'm a bit overwhelmed, but yeah, this is...
Well, you will be.
Pardon the pun, it's a lot to take in.
But yeah, this is...
Very good.
This is great.
I mean, I do appreciate it,
but I'm just thinking about the kind of the mental...
what I will be taking on
by being aware that I'm being fucked
in the ass by an instrument that my co-host on the podcast bought for me.
You have to say, thank you, Carl.
Thank you, Carl.
That's a big hurdle to get over.
When your girlfriend is saying, who's your daddy,
you have to say it's Carl.
I believe it's Carl in this instance.
Right, right, right.
I think you have to just say, g'day dickhead.
Like it's just the catch cry.
We really need to swing back around because what were you about to say,
Carl, about this dildo?
That's right.
Now, Tommy, now look, I don't have any attachment to that note.
That note was sent from wherever it was made or whatever.
Now, what Dave said, what Thornow said was that looks like a bespoke dildo.
Now, you have absolutely, as Tommy's butt will do at some stage,
you have hit that on the head.
Tommy's butt will do some stage.
You have hit that on the head.
What's happened here is I thought, right, well, Tommy's – that's going to happen.
Tommy's never been pegged like that before.
He should feel a little bit more familiar with his surroundings maybe when this all happens. Instead of just buying some absolutely random dildo off the shelf, what I've done here is I've actually gotten a friend of the show
to pose for that dildo.
So that when you do get picked, Tommy,
that is going to be an exact replica of the penis
of someone who's been on this show before.
Right.
Sorry. Isn't that interesting? of someone who's been on this show before. Right. Sorry?
Isn't that interesting?
That is...
Okay.
Here's the thing I would like to bring up.
Let's have another look at the penis, Tommy.
Bring it up.
I want to see...
See if you can recognise it, Greg.
Do you have a ruler or tape measure handy of any kind?
Yeah, that's a good...
Yeah, do you want me to go get one?
Yeah, I'd love to.
I'd love for you to go get a ruler or tape measure.
To be honest, even if you can't find one, it's comparative.
Like, if you could put an iPhone next to it just to see how it's...
Yeah.
Put a copy of today's Herald Sun next to it
just to make sure it's a fresh one.
Yeah.
I think that seems very girthy.
Am I wrong?
It does look it, doesn't it?
It does look it.
It looks thick.
That might say something about us maybe, but it does.
I mean, you can't reveal.
I have a, yeah, I don't have a big dick.
I can't find my tape measure.
I'm sorry, but yeah but do you want me to
hold up an iPhone
yeah, that's it, next to the phone
from the base of the shelf
that's an iPhone length
it's exactly iPhone length
is this Steve Jobs' cock?
it's not that big
it's
yeah
but that's a good thing.
That's a, you know, that's a, you're going to be able to, you know,
hopefully handle that, Tommy.
It's close to a chode.
I would say it's in chode territory.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
Wow.
When you say someone who's been on this show before, Carl,
you don't mean someone who's sitting here today.
No. Okay. I will say, well well look i what i will say is i'm not saying it's not one of greg or dave what i'm saying it's not me
that's what i'll absolutely rule out like for all i know for all tommy knows you one of you one of
the guests here is absolutely playing along with this beautifully i'm not going to rule anyone out i would just say it's not not me okay that's what i will say how did this person pose for like
what was the actual logistics that happened i believe taken i believe there's a cast yeah
there's a cast method where someone has to sit still and dip their member into some sort of that.
And do they have to get into the bone zone?
I believe so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I believe that that's, again, I can rule out that it wasn't me, but I believe that you
do have to be erect to be able to pose for this Madame Tussauds of penises.
Yeah.
That's a bizarre request.
Can I get a copy of this penis?
But I'd like it to be flaccid, thank you.
I'd like to be fucking myself with a silicone flaccid replica.
I mean, because we're now playing, you know, a Guess Who game.
Well, Dave, I'd like to think it's more, we're not playing Guess Who, we're playing the masked pegger. That's what I believe we're now playing, you know, a Guess Who game. Well, Dave, I'd like to think it's more, we're not playing Guess Who,
we're playing the masked pegger.
That's what I believe we're playing right now.
Right, right.
I'll go out on a limb and say it wasn't any of the female guests,
whether that be right.
Oh, wow, okay.
Hey, Dave, it's 2020, okay?
Girls can, you know, pose for penis models as well, all right?
Yeah, you're right.
Now, guys, if you'd like, what I can do right now is,
because on this very first episode of Dumb Dumb Club presents the Masked Pegger,
just like the Masked Singer, I can play the first clue for you if you'd like.
Okay, I would love to hear it.
How much time have you had?
I don't know if you've noticed, but this has been a lot of my work week.
There hasn't been a lot else going on in the last six months, Dave.
I don't know if you've checked the paper.
No, evidently erection and was it plaster of Paris?
That's what's been going on.
There was a few dirty looks down at the plaster funhouse
when I was organising this, I'll be completely honest.
And what a funhouse.
I just want to say, I take back everything I said before,
don't let JobKeeper people hear this episode.
You don't want to get done for this.
You thought the Soup Nazi was a waste of money.
Oh, isn't the Soup Nazi's cock?
He's technically been on the show now.
Yeah, I got it off Cameo.
Yeah, yeah, I know the chef's suit costs more,
but what about a cast of your dick?
Is that the same ballpark or is that cheaper?
All right.
Are you guys ready for your first clue?
Yes, please.
Now, of course, this is not the actual voice of the actual model per se.
The voice has been disguised.
So let's hope this works.
I'm a comedian Technically
And I've performed all around Australia
In different states
Both physical states
And mental states
I've even performed internationally
I know, I know
We've all got stuff going on
I've a multiple threat
I've acted
I've even been recognized for being good at sport.
So don't worry, Tommy.
There's quite a pedigree on that dick that's about to go in your sweet little butt.
Siri, you've really lowered yourself there.
Siri's on Cameo now, by the way, so I just paid her to do that.
I've performed in all physical states and mental states.
That makes me think of someone who has performed in a state of inebriation
or has taken psychedelics.
Some good thinking going on, Greg.
I like the way you're thinking.
And has Nick's son ever been on this podcast?
No.
Various mental states.
Is this Fiona O'Loughlin's clit?
Jesus.
That is the single worst sentence that has ever been said on this show.
You're going to listen to more episodes, Greg.
You are obviously not a regular listener.
I don't even know if Greg listened to the start of this episode.
I feel like the mass singer got shut down because of COVID.
This is going to get shut down for a lot worse.
Past the pale.
Lasso, it got recognised.
What did they say?
Also recognised as a sports person?
Was that?
A sports person.
Recognised for being good at sport, I believe.
Something like that.
Recognised for being good at sport. Recognised for being good at sport, I believe. Recognised for being good at sport.
Recognised for it.
I'm trying to think if there's any comics that have been –
because I'm trying to rattle off the guys who are pretty good
at sporting comedy, which whittles out a lot of people.
Yeah.
I'm trying to think.
Are there any comedians that – because recognised for being good
at sport could mean a lot of things.
It could mean that they were good at sport in high school
and maybe have interesting stories to tell about back in the day.
By the way, I absolutely love that I've turned Dave Thornton
and Greg Larson into Jackie O and Danny Minogue.
Thank you.
This is absolutely beautiful.
I beg Jackie O.
Can we get Hughsey on the line?
He's good at this kind of stuff.
He might be able to help us out. I fucking love this.
I love this.
This is the best thing I've ever been involved with.
Yeah.
Is anyone else also thinking what comics do I know
that look like they've got some girth?
Because that's it.
At the end of the day too,
I feel like there's so many people you can rule out straight away.
Oh, really?
Why do you say that?
Well, just because I'm thinking about who's been on this podcast, right?
And there's been a lot of people on this podcast.
Yeah.
And I'm just thinking like
what you know like hasn't waleed been on the podcast yeah it ain't him it ain't
is that just because of the color of the dildo is that what you're saying is that why you're
ruling it out no i'm ruling out anyone with a shred of dignity
that is i mean that is a helpful clue It's like
Who would Carl feel comfortable
Hitting up and asking
This
Frankly demented request of
Like that's gotta be
That's what I'm
That's where I'm trying to get my brain to work
Right
Well you know
Just like the Masked Singer
It is a bit like the Masked Singer
Because the Masked Singer
When people are guessing Beyonce
It's like Beyonce ain't coming out to. It is a bit like the Masked Singer because the Masked Singer, when people are guessing Beyonce, it's like,
Beyonce ain't coming out to Australia to put a fucking moose head on
for eight weeks and sing the locomotion.
That's what I'm feeling.
It's got to be someone in the Inner Sanctum,
much like it's going to be in Tommy's Inner Sanctum.
So...
Sanctum, rectum, they all sound the same, yeah.
Because of the states of mind, and did they say they're I'm gravitating... They all sound the same, yeah.
Because of the states of mind,
and did they say they're sort of a comic?
Is that what they sort of said?
I believe the line was,
I'm a comedian, technically a comedian.
I'm technically a comedian,
talking about performing in different states of mind,
talking about being recognised for acting and sport.
I'm thinking that there is one person who has some i guess it is a sport skateboarding is a sport oh okay quirk okay rose oh interesting
interesting someone who someone who i would i would consider to be quite of a
the kind of thing he would say
would be performing in different states of mind.
And also, look, that's a good guess because that's also –
you pick someone who would probably do anything for about five bucks
given his extreme poverty and desperate situation in life.
So, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
I'm thinking too, like sports person, like Ben Knight.
Has he been on the show?
Because I know Knight hasn't been on the show.
But, I mean, he would have it.
You're right, Ben Knight, comedian.
A gorgeous appendage like that, though.
You'd think Knight would.
Is it cheating if I just look through the feed of the pod or should I be?
No, well, look, this is first episode of the Mars Pega
so you know you don't
we don't need to solve it right now like I
think we've got a couple of weeks out of this is what I
reckon
my gut guess is Nick
Kappa because he's proven that
he'll do fucking whatever
right yeah
he's just up for what the fuck ever
so you've changed your mind.
So your official guess on this is Nick Capper.
Is that what you're going to say?
Oh, no, I don't know.
I don't know.
Because what's the sport?
What's Capper's sport?
Has he got a sport?
Yeah.
What's the acting?
He's not showering a sport.
Is it an Olympic sport?
Shower dodging.
Yeah.
It's like deluge, sort of.
If we're going with it i would think a from my corner
firstly uh the guy who has uh you know enough confidence to be like yeah i'll do this stupid
act uh also quite physically capable a man who's he's in pretty good condition because i've seen
him run and whatnot i'd say brett bl Blake at this point in time. Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Brett's a guess of mine because I'm just thinking, who would Carl hit up and, you know, want to get them to do this,
be cool with getting them to do this?
And, yeah, Brett fits the bill.
You could say on the flip side of it, you could say, well, you know,
would I have gone to the most obvious person?
You know, there'd be a school of thought that would think
that would be the first person that you would go to.
In my mind, I'm trying to get into it.
I think there might have been a big group message going,
who would be comfortable doing this?
And then maybe give me a name.
Are you feeling a little bit distressed
that you weren't included into the group chat?
A little bit left out, yeah.
Like a little bit.
Like the way he books Spleen.
Hey, guys, anyone up for moulding their cock for me tonight?
Melbourne Comedy Rooms Hub.
Yeah.
If anyone wants to do five minutes of cock modelling,
there's 50 bucks in it for you.
You need to be on tonight, though.
You need to be on late because Susie wants to be on early.
So if that's all right, yeah.
I'm doing some cock modelling across town.
I don't know if I can make it, mate.
Yeah.
I've got some new cock modelling I want to try out.
So if I can just jump up.
You don't need to pay me.
It's okay because some of it might bomb.
Some of it might be that good.
up you don't need to pay me it's okay because some of them might bomb some of them might be that good yeah so that i'm just that's the hat i'm throwing in the ring is that is that a turn of phrase
that's what i'm saying all right yeah well it's better than throwing the cock in the ring which
is what's gonna happen to tommy so yeah absolutely well what i like about this tommy is that every
time we throw a name out and i'm gathering in the next episode, you'll get other guests on and they'll guess,
just in your mind, Tommy, you're getting pegged by said comedian.
Like it's just a journey of lust through the comedy industry, Tommy.
Yeah, it must be.
Every time you bring up a name, Tommy must be sort of a bit like,
I wonder what that would be like to get fucked by Nick Capper or, you know.
So if someone had guessed it now, you would tell us or you're just –
No.
No, I'm treating it like the Masked Singer.
I'm, you know, just imagine me as Osher Gunzberg where I'm just a host.
I'm just a vessel here.
Okay.
Would you call yourself Andy G-Spot?
Yes!
Yes!
spot.
This show is hard enough to book as it is without having to then inform the guest.
Oh, and by the way, there's a segment now where we hold up a fucking dildo and you have to guess which comedian it's a mold of.
I'm not picking a lot of girls are going to be wanting to do the next two or three episodes,
I don't think. What is happening? We've got a lot of girls that are going to be wanting to do the next two or three episodes, I don't think.
What is happening?
We've got a run of boys coming up.
Judith Lucy is scratching for next week, by the way,
so we can find someone else.
That would be good.
Tommy, have you got any initial gut feelings at the moment?
You've been a little bit more on the shelf than the other two.
They've been pretty gung-ho with their guesses
whereas I think you're just anticipating
the future and what's about to happen
to you over the next couple of weeks.
I wish the listeners
could see the
thousand yard stare on Tommy's face
right now.
As he just looks into the distance
going, why?
He does look
sort of haunted, doesn't he, Greg?
I just need to end the episode
so that I can, I'm not going to be able to
formulate a guess until I've wrapped my laughing gear
around it. That's going to really be
the thing that, so I'm just
running out the clock
so I can really get down to brass tacks.
You don't go off sight, you go off taste.
That's how you're going to judge this thing.
Oh, God.
Now, Tommy, the answer will
not be revealed until you
have definitely tried this
piece of equipment out in the way that God
intended. Now, this needs to be...
As you've set your aim at the start of the whole crisis,
of the whole virus happening, we need you to achieve your goal,
have that in your whole, and then once that goes in,
we can find out who that was, who's been modelled off.
This is amazing.
Well, listeners, it's going to be a long wait,
so prepare to write your own fan fiction
and get to the bottom of it yourselves.
But, Tommy, that's your goal.
That's what you said six months ago,
that that's what you wanted to do with your locking time.
This is making it easy for you.
I like that, Carl, you seem like you genuinely couldn't comprehend
why Tommy might not want to do this.
I don't understand.
You wanted to do it.
But that's what he said.
This is like, in a court case, it would be like,
Your Honour, let's see the transcript here.
Tommy said that he wanted to be pegged.
Why would I think anything else?
That's what he literally said.
In court, this is what drives
Dum Dum apart
there's this lawsuit that happens
there's no more Dum Dum
because Tommy refuses to be
and you never speak again
fucked up the ass by a mystery dick
I also just can't
believe this is the little Dum Dums
version of Who Shot JR
this is the cliffhanger
that people will be charming in for.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And the worst part about this now is I genuinely have to go soon
because I have to look after my three-year-old and 20-month-old.
And when I walk out of this room and my partner goes,
what were you doing?
I'm like, I just need a bit of time just for myself also we're doing this where you're guessing we're
watching you guess with your baby's cot directly behind you in the background which doesn't feel
which doesn't feel amazing yeah yeah when the kids and i have to have nightmares i'm like i don't know
yeah the world is a cruel place i don't know what to tell you i don't feel safe kid see and like and and right now i you know i i consider this work and my
partner is in the other room working on marking huge stack of assignments from kids because she's
educating our nation's children and i'm gonna have to go in and go oh can you walk the dog
i've been i've been working all day i've been I've been busy trying to figure out who this dick is.
I'm just exhausted.
I need to sit down for a minute.
It's right on the tip of my tongue.
Oh, shit, no.
Oh, jeez.
Yeah, we're recording this for context.
We're recording this the day before Daniel Andrews is going to announce
the roadmap to Victoria reopening.
And previous to this, I'm pretty lax about it.
You know, whatever.
It takes as long as it takes.
You know, they know what they're doing.
But now I'm like, fucking get us open.
Get me outside for the love of God.
Great.
I would love to see Daniel Andrews get up and go, well,
the roadmap was going to say we're open in a week.
But I think I speak for all Victorians when I say we are hanging
on the edge of our seat waiting to find out who the Mars Pegger is.
So we're going to lock ourselves down for another four weeks
so we can just get this done and think about it.
And everyone is behind him.
Everyone supports him.
They're like, well, we agree.
There's going to be one girl behind Tommy, but yeah.
Also, Daniel Andrews has had a call from this one guy in Hawthorne
that said, if you don't lock us down more,
there's going to be an absolute super spreader just in Hawthorne.
He's going to go around, lick every pole, then lick every other person.
We want to stay locked down for a couple more weeks.
There's a certain task that needs to get completed first.
Oh, man.
This is...
Oh, yes. Yeah, I don't know how to deal, man. This is... Oh, yes.
Yeah, I don't know how to deal with this.
This is a lot.
Okay, well, we've got your guesses on the board.
That's good.
This thing takes batteries.
So maybe if I switch it on,
that'll give me some...
The way that it moves will give me some indication.
Also, as well, circumcised.
That is true.
So think about who's Jewish.
Hey, with the batteries too, Tommy,
I believe to test both the dildo and the batteries,
you just have to lick the end to make sure if it's still active.
Oh, there's some juice in it.
Some juice.
Oh, there's some juice in this one.
He did it.
He did it.
Yay. He did it. Oh, my God. He did it. He did it. Yeah.
He did it.
Oh, my God.
We saw it.
We saw it.
Man, you walked into that, bro.
Have you used it yet?
No.
Why not?
Oh, it got all dirty from me using it as a spoon every night with dinner.
Oh, this is work for you guys.
This is work. Okay. Boy. Great. This is you guys. This is work.
Okay.
Boy.
Great.
This is our lives.
This is our fucked lives.
All right.
Well, we'd better wrap it up for another episode of The Masked Pegger,
or the pilot episode of The Masked Pegger,
for another episode of the little Dumb Dumb Club.
A show within a show.
Dave Thornton, Greg Larson, thank you so much for joining us.
Thank you.
Greg, you have the Grub podcast that people can check out.
Check out the Grub.
You've got Patreon and all that kind of stuff.
Yep, check it out.
Sketch podcast with Ben Russell and Anne Edmonds.
Very popular show, very funny stuff from you guys.
And Thornton, you've got a quiz podcast.
Is that correct?
Yes.
I have a podcast that is the polar opposite of this one.
It is we get academics on and then we've got a lineup of comedians.
They listen to the academics about their special field
and then there's a test at the end.
So I kind of like to think it's kind of like QI,
but rather than running off Stephen Fry's IQ,
we're running off my IQ.
It's smart people talking to dumb people. So there will be a test. but rather than running off Stephen Fry's IQ, we're running off my IQ.
It's smart people talking to dumb people.
So there will be a test, it's called.
Check it out.
So then what you have to sort of guess whose dick it belongs to,
whether it's the chemistry professor
or the history professor.
Is that what happens?
Look, I'm not going to say yes or no.
The listeners can figure out if it's like that.
But I will give you a hint.
It's definitely not.
Right, right.
Well, get on board, buddy, because this is the future of podcasting.
Yeah, obviously.
I mean, this is the shame when the Australian government says
we don't have to put Australian content on TV.
And you're like, this is what you should do.
Brutal.
All right, guys.
Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.
See you next.
And they've done it again.
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah, man.
That's inspirational talk, man.
You should make bumper stickers of that or something.
I should – do you mind if I use that?
Do you mind if I like write that on my wall or something like that?
Just when I wake up and I just see that straight away.
Like I don't know whether I –
They've done it again.
And thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Oh, that's very good.
That's good.
It's funny, isn't it?
Can we make a list?
Yeah, it's taking a common thing from culture and adapting it to my own uses.
Yeah, that's comedy.
That's up there with your situation vis-a-vis not letting other people around you for a certain amount of time.
Well, it's not really for a certain amount of time.
It's been – it's years.
I mean, that is a certain amount of time.
But you make it sound like there's some kind of end date on it,
which as far as I'm concerned, this is –
I can't remember how long it's been going on for.
And more to the point, I have absolutely no plans to bring an end to this activity in the near or distant future.
So, yeah, this is it for me forever as far as I'm concerned.
Right.
So when this pandemic is over or plandemic as you strongly believe, Tommy, you'll be like, bring back COVID.
Bring back, you know, I need an excuse.
When people are saying, why are you self-isolating for years?
Instead of you having to tell them why, you know, you'd rather it just be an assumed thing.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, I'm not going to say I want it back.
I mean, that's kind of the whole point of what I'm getting at is that for me,
this whole situation is just business as usual.
of what I'm getting at is that for me, this whole situation is just business as usual.
So, you know, I don't need the excuse to be, you know, socially isolated because I've been doing that for years.
Oh, right, right, right.
You know, when it's over, I'd be glad that other people are able to go back to doing
what they want to do.
But it really makes no difference to me one way or the other, whether we have lockdown
or COVID.
It's pretty much just been business as usual around here.
For years, some say.
Yeah, that's my – well, for years, yeah.
Some, including myself, might say.
So, yeah, that's my news.
What about you?
What's going on with you?
That's so kooky.
I'm a bit stunned.
It's wild what you're telling me.
I'm still trying to process it. I'm a bit stunned. Like, that's wild what you're telling me. I'm still trying to process it.
I'm thinking, you know.
Are you wondering when they're saying you can have a household bubble
and have five friends around?
Are you wondering where you're going to find five friends?
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Spaghetti eyes.
Wow.
For anyone wondering what's going on,
we're just sort of making fun of everyone on our Twitter feed
for the last six months, but anyway.
Yep, yep.
Yep.
There's the Babel fish.
You know, I mean, to be completely fair, though,
you don't really – the tweet or the sentiment of
I've been socially isolated for years,
I don't think that's been around for a good five months now at this point.
And I'd like to think that we played a pretty, at least a small part in that.
Well, we saw someone quite famous doing it the other day, though, didn't we?
Not very long ago, but yeah.
Oh, no, yeah, good point, good point.
Yeah, I retract my statement.
Yeah.
When you're the top of the mountain, you can do whatever the fuck you want.
It must be nice.
Yeah.
You can use a joke from five months ago.
Yeah, yeah, you can do whatever you want.
That's like good motivation.
Like, God, I really want to get famous so I can just be a complete hack
and not have to worry about it.
Because you've got to be an original, unique voice to climb the mountain.
But then once you're up there, who gives a rat's ass?
Why try anymore?
Yeah, you don't have to rely on comedy fans or other comedians
keeping you to order.
You can just, you know, your fans can be absolute fucking brain-dead imbeciles
who don't know fucking one way or the other.
You can get up there and burp the national anthem and fucking,
oh, he's done it again.
So that's all we want.
Yeah.
I mean, look, yeah, big calls from two guys putting out an episode full of content that
people have just...
Something that I legitimately walked into the episode going, this is going to fucking
change everything.
This is groundbreaking.
This is going to revolutionize comedy.
They'll teach this in textbooks one day.
Yeah, exactly.
This is going to make content history.
That's what this is going to do.
Yeah, this is the train coming at the screen.
People listening to this, pulling their headphones out like, ah!
Yeah, and you've got your back to the screen,
so the train's actually going for your butthole.
That's what's happening there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, the train had just gone through a tunnel,
so I'd gotten very aroused when I first saw that black and white film.
Your butthole had started to salivate.
I get it.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, fun ep, fun ep.
Let's see what happens in the future.
That's just part one, part one.
So we'll get more clues next week.
Very exciting, very exciting stuff.
I anticipate people on the socials may be running a bit of a book,
a bit of an odds, running their own odds, I reckon.
Yeah.
We probably legitimately could get like Sportsbet or something onto this
because, you know, there's a lot of sports not happening.
They're probably looking for stuff that they can take odds on.
I mean, one could argue that it's open to match fixing
because you know the answer, but like they have the hottest 100 on there.
Oh, yeah.
You know, there's people that know that well in advance of it being announced
who would be able
to capitalize if they wanted i've got the answer just on one piece of paper that's um in a in a
suitcase that's handcuffed to my hand uh at the moment so that's that's the only that's the only
way you can find out so uh yeah good luck good luck everyone it would be great if you if you
had done it in a way where even you didn't know who it was if you had sent it out to you let's say you'd message 10 people and you'd said work it out
amongst yourselves here's the details for how to get the cast and everything you do it and then i
i want to be and then you whoever which one of you it is you record the clues i don't even want
to know who yeah yeah i'm anticipating that would have been something else. I'm anticipating this being so massive that at some stage I'm going to be kidnapped, put into a basement.
It's going to be like that first Daniel Craig Bond movie where they're just whacking big rocks into my balls and saying,
Who is it? Whose dick is it?
And me just laughing, going, I don't know.
Yeah, right.
Hit me again.
Right, right.
Yeah.
Right. I don't know. Yeah, right. Hit me again. Right, right. Yeah. Right.
I'll never tell.
Well, yeah, plenty to come in the future for this new spin-off show.
That's it.
Any other news?
Anything else happening in our world, Tommy?
We're in Melbourne.
For people that aren't in Melbourne, we're in Melbourne.
We're not in the same room, obviously.
Well, hopefully not obviously because Tommy's done such a spick and span job
of making it sound all magical and we're on top of each other, so to speak.
But we are still in lockdown in our individual houses.
So that's what's happening here.
Hopefully in a couple of weeks it won't be the case.
But I hope everyone's doing good around the world
in whatever situation you're in.
Shout out to our listeners that can do what the fuck they want at the moment.
It must be nice.
Yeah.
That feels like that's almost everyone in the world
apart from Melbourne at the moment.
That's definitely – I mean, I haven't fully researched it,
but that's definitely the impression I get every time i open social media is that it feels like everyone in the world apart from us is out at the fucking beach or doing whatever they want
yeah um yeah hey that's life yeah i've started to um because we do have one shout out to the one
the one confirmed um case that i know of the listenership in Koh Samui.
He's out and about, but he owns a bar or he runs a bar,
and that's not allowed to be opened yet.
Bars aren't allowed to be opened over there yet.
So they're chewing where we stayed, where the Koh Samui podcast festival was.
It's only just very slowly starting to open up,
and bars are going to be like the last thing allowed to be opened up.
So, yeah.
Right.
Okay.
But in other parts of Koh Samui, it's like restaurants that conserve alcohol are absolutely open.
So, things are slightly, just not bars, just not your traditional bar.
So, bad luck
for that bloke
so none of the
none of the bars
yeah suck shit pal
thanks for listening
but
eat a dick
yeah
none of the
the bars
that I'm looking at
with Andrew Wolfe
you know
if the shares come off
oh yeah
are open yet
so it's a bit of a shame
but yeah
hope everyone's doing well
around the world
wherever you are um we're doing okay we're doing we're doing okay i'm doing okay tommy you're doing
okay yeah i'm fine man i'm lucky like i'm busy with this and the other pot i do and i've got a
partner who lives in a different house which is one of the basically only reasons outside of exercise or the shops
that you're allowed to leave your house.
So, yeah, I've been very fortunate that I get to break up my week a little bit.
Go to her place and her come into mine.
So, yeah, it's all good.
Yeah, ready to see my friends and stuff again and perform some live comedy for the masses.
But, you know. friends and stuff again and do some do some perform some live comedy for the masses but uh
you know i couldn't say i'm i'm i'm missing stand-up comedy too much it's like it's not like
i'm against it but um i'm happy you know the situation is what it is so i'm like all right
i'm happy to do this until something else comes up but um yeah it'll be nice be nice but uh i feel
like putting any of that stuff in your head
is no good for you like just counting down all that sort of shit so it's like okay just deal
with what you've got and then let's think about that stuff when it's when it's available yeah yeah
um but um as it is we're at the moment we're only we've got a curfew in Melbourne as we're recording of 8 p.m.
It is currently 3 past 7 p.m.
And we've got to get through this.
And I haven't gone from a run.
And I run every night.
So let's get to the chase.
Let's get to the UTA.
Let's get to the Patreon subscribers.
Thank you, everyone, for listening.
Thank you extra if you subscribe to us via patreon.com slash little dum-dum club.
That keeps the lights on even more importantly than ever these days in these uncertain and unprecedented times.
Well, unprecedented for many.
I precedented it ages ago.
I was just, you know, as you've been self-isolating for years, I've been predicting exactly this, exactly this for years, exactly this.
Back in precedented times, you mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I was precedenting those times.
Like I've been precedenting times for years is what I'm trying to say.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
So we're currently sedenting and then earlier in the year you were pre-sedenting.
Yes, exactly.
I got a feeling this is what's going to happen.
Exactly, exactly.
I was like, well, someone was like saying to, you know, it was like a hypothetical.
They were like, would you fuck a bat?
And I was like, no.
Well, I don't know, maybe.
And then they're like, what about if the bat was swimming in disease?
And I was like, it's gone from a maybe to a probably not.
And then they're like, what if you were horny? And I was like, it's gone from a maybe to a probably not. And then they're like,
what if you were horny?
And I was like,
oh,
well then yes,
yes,
I would.
And then I started thinking,
well,
if I,
if even I,
you know,
the notoriously non bat fucking man could get tempted into doing that,
then who's famously,
yeah,
that fucking,
it's,
it's my thing.
I mean,
everyone knows that,
that Tommy had cancer as a child.
Everyone knows that I've always said no to fucking bats.
And even if I could be tempted by that.
As a result of bats, I had cancer as a child.
Oh, yes!
One could argue that I precedented this at the age of 12.
I've always been like, don't trust these cunts.
They're up to no good.
Mark my words.
It fucked my life and one day it's going to fuck all of yours too. So I've been feeling very vindicated these last few months.
Was this all from you originally? Is this what's happened? Was this lying dormant? Was
there a tissue in the basket in hospital and someone picked that out of the bin and held
onto it for about 20 years and
then just started licking it.
And then it all came from that bat dung that turned into cancer in you.
And then this?
Is that what's happened?
Yeah.
Yeah, it could have been.
I thought you were saying before about the bat fucking thing and the hypothetical.
I thought you were saying that the hypothetical
had made you realise that you wanted to fuck a bat.
And I do like the idea of someone participating
in a hypothetical at the pub with their friend
and then that making them realise
that they do actually want to do the thing.
Do you know what I mean?
So like sitting around and having a riff and then going,
yeah, you know what?
Maybe it would be good to suck off my dad one day.
I mean, I'm not going to get a hundred bucks for it, like the hypothetical specified.
But yeah, you know what?
Now that that thought's in my head, I think it actually might be pretty cool to do that.
You know what?
Full credit to anyone who has their mind changed about things.
I respect it.
It's way too easy to be set in your ways.
If you come into something and go,
no, sucking off a bat would be bad,
and then someone sits you down and explains to you
how good it would be to suck off a bat,
and you walk out of there 10 minutes later going,
I am absolutely ready to take a bat's load down my throat.
Good for you for having an open mind enough to be changed.
Yeah, totally.
I mean, well, you know, it could happen to anyone.
I mean, I didn't really like avocado until I was like 25 or so,
and now I love it.
So who's to say, like, it's easy enough for me to sit here at 34 and go,
I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in sucking off a bat.
But who knows what the future holds?
You know, maybe, you know, as was the case with avocado,
I just hadn't had it in the right dish.
And then, you know, I had it,
I think I had it in a sandwich or something
and it really brought the sandwich to life.
So maybe, you know, maybe it'll be,
there'll just be some situation where I'm like in the jungle
and I'm like, this jungle's good,
but like being covered in bat cum
is what would really take this safari to the next level.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You just got it in your head as a kid.
You know, you've got this weird idea in your head that, you know,
sucking off a bat is weird.
You know, you have these weird thoughts when you're a kid.
You haven't learned about the world.
You haven't traveled or anything.
And then you finally, at 34, you sort of go, what was I thinking back then?
What's so weird about that?
Yeah.
You grow up and then you just bang, boom, gulp, gulp, gulp.
about that yeah come grow up and then you just bang boom gulp gulp gulp well i mean you know the other thing is what you know everyone you know everyone around the world is like hanging
on this idea of like when is there going to be a vaccine and you know plenty of people are working
on this at the moment and you know vaccines for a lot of things uh what it is is it gives you a tiny
dose of the flu or whatever it is it's's like you get the very small symptoms of it.
So in that same way, the vaccine for it is kind of a bit the thing itself.
Has anyone thought about this COVID came from a bat?
Has anyone thought about drinking Batcom as a potential vaccine?
Yeah.
Maybe the answer is closer to home than we've been thinking. bat has anyone thought about drinking bat cum as a potential vaccine yeah you know maybe maybe the
answer is closer to home than than you know we've been thinking well maybe it's who's the rogue
scientist who's getting out there and just getting a bat dong in their mouth and going and this is
research yeah hey that's what i was going to say you know i as i always say to everyone online
in every facebook thread i always i talk in i always say hey do your own
research that's what i say so get out there yeah fuck about bend over in front of a bat
bat off of that open your mouth whatever you know it might be like tv amnesia you know someone
fucked about to start with well now that guy's got to go back to fuck about again to close all
this off exactly yeah yeah um just another another classic instalment of stating up the top of this
how much time pressure we have
and then just wasting a good 15 minutes
on talking about batting off a bat.
All right.
We're done here.
Thank you, everyone, for contributing to patreon.com
slash little dumb mum club.
We pump out a bunch of bonus episodes,
especially during this, this again as I say
plandemic according to Tommy
Daslow so if you're stuck
inside you're looking for
something to do looking for
extra content we're smashing
them out and they're a lot of
fun and they're to be honest a
great excuse for us to catch up
with mates since we can't
physically see them so it's
absolutely our pleasure thank
you for giving us a reason and
we have a lot of fun doing them.
Without the rigid constraints of trying to stay nice and politically correct like we have in the last 10 minutes,
we sort of really stretch our wings out and be a bit silly on those extra episodes.
Being behind the paywall, you can be a bit grottier.
Yeah, yeah.
We name everyone we've ever had sex with.
We talk about the – we've got a chart that we do every week
about how big everyone's dick is in comedy.
We have another chart we've started about how big everyone's vagina is in comedy.
It's some pretty exclusive cool stuff.
So get on board with that, guys.
Yeah.
Um, it's a pretty, pretty exclusive, cool stuff.
So, um, get on board with that guys.
Yeah.
Um, some people are learning French or, uh, been cooking more, but no, this is what we're doing in isolation.
We've got the big old white board.
We've got the big old white board with the mutchart on it that, uh, we, we are updating
every two times a week at the moment.
So, um, yeah, check that out.
Uh, listen, and that out. Listen.
And we're correlating the two charts together.
So we're finding out which male comedians couldn't physically root which female comedians because of the size differences.
Yeah.
Yeah.
God, I really hope the subscriber numbers just skyrocket after this
of just all these people taking this conversation at face value.
Like, oh, fuck, never interested before, but I've got to get in now.
But I want to see how big Carl Barron's donger is.
Fuck, subscribe.
I love the idea that people are on the chat who aren't in the world of the show,
who we don't know, who we've both maybe met like once for about three seconds nah what's
his hog line there is i remember seeing there's a site i'm sure it's probably still there called
metal sludge that like just basically told you how big everyone's dick is in in metal in like
hard rock and metal especially glam metal all. Yeah, so we could do that for Melbourne comedy, I reckon.
Yeah, I mean, so was that website, was that conjecture or was that based on?
I think it was based on groupies. Because I would imagine in a certain era of music it would be, right, that's what I was
going to say, it would be easy enough to find people who've sent dick pics and groupies
and whatever, like from a certain era it probably would be pretty easy to patch together an accurate thing,
but maybe these days not so much.
I reckon easier, surely.
Surely you'd get there'd be a Reddit thread or something like that
where you could just harvest information even easier these days,
whereas back in the day you're just,
you're going off about three groupies that have just rooted everyone.
No, I mean more like the people in those positions,
like the musicians or whoever they are,
are probably more like media coached or whatever,
like told to like, hey, you know,
don't be sending dick pics to fans and stuff like that.
Whereas maybe 20 years ago,
there was a bit less coaching in that field.
Right. I don't know. But hey, if you know, whereas maybe 20 years ago there was a bit less coaching in that field.
I don't know.
But, hey, if you know, if you've got a dick pic from the Who's a Curran,
if you've got a Harry Styles dick pic floating around, let us know.
Happy to be proven wrong on this theory.
Yeah, absolutely.
All right.
I'd love to know from anyone who's rooted a comedian and musician.
That'd be a sweet combo to be rooting around in both fields.
Yep.
Yep.
Let us know.
Who's the most famous person you've rooted?
Let us know.
That's good.
Love it.
That's good. Yeah, love it.
I actually like that.
This is good.
All right, let's crack in.
Thank you to everyone.
Patreon.com slash Little Dum Dum Club.
Get in. Thank you to everyone. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. Get in.
Of course, also what you get out of it is you get put into the running
to have your name immortalized.
Immortalized.
Inside this program, inside Talking Dumb Dumb.
And we're going to crack into it right now because I'm looking at the clock
and I'm thinking, I need to get this run in.
I'm in big trouble because my wife's already done her run,
and she will absolutely give it to me if I don't get my run in.
All right.
Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber number one.
First cap off the rank.
Thank you to Mark Adam.
Yeah.
Mark Adam.
All right.
Well, you know, you're in a rush, so next.
Nothing to do with that one.
No, we better give –
Dead on arrival.
This is one of those –
Absolutely.
DOA.
This is one of these guys.
This is one of the old squeaky wheel gets the grease numbers where I remember this name.
Of course, it hasn't been pushed to the front,
but I just remember this from of course it hasn't been pushed to the front but i just
remember this from months ago when he said look i've been subscribing for ages i love a mention
and i said thank you very much for the support but of course i can't do anything about this um it was
it was probably you know four years ago now when i think about it, you know, and I just cannot rig the system. This is like the, you know, this is like a national election.
You can't, you know, you can't do anything about this or the people at Patreon or Podcasting
Central come straight in and absolutely chuck us in the clink.
So, yeah.
One of the people running in the election saying to people, but I haven't been Prime
Minister for ages.
I've been waiting so long.
Please, can you just push my name through the ballot box, please?
Yeah.
So, Mark Adam, you finally got – this is your moment in the sun.
And as Tommy said next, no.
Four letters per name.
Like, this is also interesting, someone going,
come on, you haven't read my name yet.
What did you think we were going to do with it?
What magic do you think we're going to spin with Mark?
Yeah, right.
Exactly.
There must be some completely fucked ones in the mix
that are sort of sitting there silently, patiently waiting their turn.
Why can't they hit us up?
I mean, not that we can do anything about it one way or the other,
but like, you know, hypothetically speaking, if we could,
I mean, that would be the kind of thing we'd love to hear.
Someone going, boys, look, not to Q-jump or anything,
but if you take a look at the driver's license,
you're going to see Reginald Spermbank staring back at you.
And I reckon the two of you are going to have a lot of fun with that one.
Reg is a very funny name.
We'd love that.
We'd love to hear that.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah, totally.
But maybe this is why he's been so pushy because he's thought no one has ever remarked on his name in his entire life.
People have like – like he's gone to give his name okay like say the election like
say he's going up to to you know do his vote and they've said name and he said mark adam and they've
just collapsed they've just they've just started snoring immediately and that's his reaction
everywhere he goes and he's like finally this if anyone's going to be interested in my name
it's going to be these two they're going to spin gold they're going to give me something
yeah when people when he gives his name next to him,
everyone just goes, boring.
He'll go, no, no, no.
Listen to what the two boys say.
You're hypothesizing that every election he's gotten a fine for not voting
because the person that was meant to hand him the slip has passed out.
Yeah, yeah.
Upon hearing his name.
And so there's this curse.
He's like, God fucking damn's this curse he's like god
fucking damn it i anytime anytime he gives like a an order for anything mail doesn't get to him
because the post he takes the envelope and just passes out in the street well there's all there'd
be all different reactions though like like you said um in the election sort of uh uh gambit um
everyone you know they pass out immediately he's just influencing elections because they pass out.
He just grabs a heap of ballots, fills them all out whatever way he wants to,
and all of a sudden he's absolutely swung a seat.
So he's, you know, he could be recruited by a party to absolutely turn over a…
I mean, you and I are almost like superheroes at this point.
Like, we might be, you know, we're amongst the very few people on earth
that are immune to the powers of this name.
Because, you know, we do this every week.
We've seen our fair share of boring names, so we're braced for it.
The man on the street just hearing this, the cops pulling him over
and checking the ID, they can't withstand it.
It's probably us and about, you know, four or five other podcasters in the world
that have this ability.
Yeah, well, like you said before, we're immunised against the boring names.
People gave us a little tiny little bit of like John Brown really early on
and so we got bored a little bit.
We got bored a little bit. Back bored a little bit back then yeah yeah
yeah and then that's sort of a lot of episodes that ended after one patreon name because we'd
just fallen asleep and then i'd wake up eight hours later and go oh fuck the recorder's still
going yeah all right well we just got to put that up as is nothing we can really do about it plus
my butthole's really sore yeah we have that. Weird. Yeah, yeah, exactly. All right. Thanks, Mark.
Thanks, Mark.
Thanks, Mark Adam.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Sorry about that.
I mean, Mark,
look, I've gone on the record and said Mark's good.
What do you reckon about
Adam Mark as a name?
That's not bad.
I actually don't mind
that at all.
It's worse.
Worse?
Way worse.
Worse?
You know, I don't like the M's running into each other.
Oh, right.
Adam Mark.
Adam Mark.
Nah, I don't like it.
It's clunky.
It's sloppy.
I don't like it.
You might as well just have one name then, I reckon.
Just save on M's.
Just go Adam Mark.
Adam Mark.
Speaking of Marks, though, can I ask you a personal question?
Sure.
Have they kicked a big one?
Oh, great question.
I think they've dicked a big one in that episode.
Yeah, I'll put it that way.
All right.
Yeah.
Can we name the can we name
the dildo bernie is that what we're doing can we do that oh okay that's good all right okay that's
good i'll get it tattooed on there yeah tattooed on a dildo it's probably just you could just
probably put texture on there i don't think we need to bring a tattoo parlor into this no no
no no i want to get a perfect you know You know, they've lost a lot of business.
As soon as they reopen, I'm going to be first in line like,
here's an easy one, boys.
Here's an easy one.
No one who's like wincing at the needle.
Just a little silicone thing for you to have a crack at.
Well, it's a rare chance to do tattooing via correspondence.
You can't do that usually.
So you could possibly send that away to get it via correspondence. You can't do that usually.
So you could possibly send that away to get it done now.
Oh, yeah, good point.
Yeah, yeah.
Good point.
Restart their industry.
Yeah, yeah.
Thanks, Mark.
Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Trent Berry.
Trent Berry? Yeah, B-E-R-R-I-E.
Just so you know
That's how
Berry's spelt
Just in case
You thought this was
Chuck Berry's son
Or something like that
So
Unfortunately
I did
I believe
I did for a minute
I believe this isn't
A direct
Descendant
Of the king of rock and roll
I believe
This to be true
Right
Yeah
So that's It's a bit of a shame Chuck It and roll. I believe this to be true. Yeah.
Yeah.
So that's a bit of a shame.
It's your son.
I've got that crazy new podcast you've been looking for.
Have a listen to this.
Take this dick up your ass.
It's from someone who's been on the show. Suck off a bat.
Chuck off a bat.
Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.
That is the good stuff.
I like the last name Barry, though.
I do like it a lot.
I also love the idea of Chuck Barry.
Given everything we know about him, that he's named his son Trent.
I just can't see it. I just can't see the wild man of rock and roll calling his son Trent,
especially in the 50s.
You know what?
He probably had so many kids, he probably ran out of names.
So maybe he would have just begrudgingly called one of them Trent anyway.
Well, it's quite possible at this point too that this is more like a grandson,
if anything.
Yeah.
Do you think?
Probably.
No, for sure.
But I think Chuck Berry would have been someone rooting away well into his latter years.
Prolific root rat.
Yeah.
Yeah.
These people who don't give a fuck.
Prolific spoofer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
These guys that are that famous and rich, they're not thinking long term at all.
They're going, there you go.
You deal with that one. Yeah. I'm not going to-term at all. They're going, there you go. You deal with that one.
Yeah.
I'm not going to be around for it.
You know, this is maybe slightly inside baseball,
but I imagine a lot of people would have seen this in the last week,
Jim Gaffigan going off about Trump and everything.
And, you know, his stand-up comedy is very famously apolitical.
And so, you know, like a lot of his followers were, you know,
just like, you fucking, you're an idiot.
Like, you don't know what you're talking about and all this kind of stuff.
And, you know, so a lot got said about like, wow,
this guy really came out being anti-Trump.
Like, you know, what a fuck thing to do or whatever.
But, like, I just every time I see him pop up,
the main, the first thing that comes into my head is,
this cunt has, like, eight kids.
Yeah.
Like, that is, like, I can't detach myself from that thought.
Every time I see anything about him, that's what's in my head.
It's just, like, not the political leanings,
like, good on him for doing all that, but it's, like, man, you, you know,
to go off at him for being political, it's man you're putting the car before the horse like this this
guy has way more insane things about him than just weighing in on politics yeah like it is it is
interesting christ it is interesting that because because he's i think his wife is a lot more um
uh religious than he is i believe but you know he's obviously got to go along with it. I think she's extremely strict with all that sort of stuff.
But I've always found that very interesting,
the way that they're like, okay, well, they're anti-abortion,
they're anti, I guess, birth control as well,
all of that sort of stuff.
Every sperm is sacred, et cetera.
So I've always been a bit like, at some stage did jesus say absolutely spoofing your missus
go go for it as much as you can just go hog wild is that is did he did he explicitly say that that's
a great thing to do or yeah but like is is pulling out considered like against it as a birth control thing?
Yeah.
Or is that like you're wasting seed?
I don't know.
It's very, very odd.
And at a certain point you just go, okay, it's a shame,
but probably no more roots then, I guess.
So, okay, it's a shame, but probably no more roots then, I guess.
Like we've had four of these fucking things.
Then, all right, I love doing it.
But if it's every time we do it, it's going to have to result in one of these.
Like, I don't know.
I mean, you know of like grubs that you know around the scene and around, you know,
in your life somewhere that will be like, oh, I don't, you know, guys will be like, oh wear a condom or i don't you know whatever blah blah you know grubby grubby sort of blokes or whatever
what what they actually need is to hook up with a really good strong christian strict christian
lady you know that just goes bring it on yeah. Yeah, I'm with you.
We just have to get married, that's all.
But then go for it.
We're actually this weirdly odd couple. Right, right, right.
Yeah.
So you're saying that's like a technique that a woman could use.
If there's a man who's saying that they don't want to use a condom,
you go, go for it.
But just so you know, I am Catholic. And when I get pregnant, I will be having the child.
And I will be forcing you to marry me.
Probably slap it on a franger pretty quickly.
So that's what you said.
That's a technique.
That's a technique to get the guy to put on a condom.
Well, either that or she says, this is the social contract here.
Come in. Look, we is the social contract here. Come in.
Look, we have to have the marriage.
And then, you know, you can go for it.
If you're so anti-condom, you go for it.
But just so you know, once a year, you're going to have to come in and hold my hand as I give birth.
Once a year.
Is that cool?
Right, right.
This is an amazing conversation to be happening on a one-night stand,
like right before you have sex, like basically saying,
all right then, smart guy.
Thanks, Trent.
Yucky, grubby man.
Grubby, yucky man.
Yeah, yeah.
Trent Barry, thank you.
Trent Barry. Thank you. Trent Barry.
Thank you very much.
Fuck.
We've got to,
I don't know.
Look,
we're going to give the right time
for everyone,
but yeah,
fuck my running window time
is getting smaller.
Thank you very much
to Patreon subscriber
Joshua Harper.
Oh,
Harper.
Yeah,
I like it.
I like it.
Harping on.
Harping on about all the bloody money
he gives us probably.
Probably walking down the street, grabbing strangers like,
oh, check me out.
I support a podcast.
I'm keeping the lights on.
Yeah.
I'm a great guy.
I wonder how that goes.
I wonder how that goes for people out there that ever have to actually explain.
Has anyone ever seen someone's bank statement and gone,
what's this Patreon thing?
What's going on there?
Right.
Oh, that's a podcast I get for free.
Okay.
And you pay for something you get for free.
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Okay.
Yeah, yeah.
I imagine there's probably like a lot of men in relationships with like a joint bank account
or whatever where the lady has seen this pop up on their bank statement and gone what's this and
they're so ashamed that they've gone oh i'm cheating on you i was buying i was buying something
for my mistress i'm cheating on you yep that's me a big old dirty cheater certainly not subscribing
to a podcast on patreon no god no yeah i'd rather be a cheater than a dork um well exactly it could
it could but they they could you know what patreon should do they should change their name when in
their billing so that it's exactly like when i bought that harness for you in this episode right
and then it comes built as you know know, TDD Industries or whatever.
And then, so I'm getting, you know, the card at the post office and whatever.
Every step of the way, it's not under the actual website I went to.
They go through their second name.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, and even down to, I had forgotten this until I chucked the box out just before.
The box that it was packaged in which said, keep chilled,
like the postage box that you had gotten,
which is just an even, a whole other level of discretion.
Throwing people, so like if this was in a mail room in an apartment building
or whatever, it looks like it's a delivery from like, you know,
Marley Spoon or like a food delivery service.
Little do they know.
Well, there's a good reason for that
because that's exactly where that box came from.
That was a different box altogether.
I just put that in that box.
Oh, you re-boxed it?
Yeah, I re-boxed it.
Oh, okay.
Right, right, right, right, right.
Oh, okay.
I thought that that's how they sent it out.
And I thought that's actually genius.
No, that's a great way of throwing your mailman off the scent.
But no, that was because they're two different parcels
and I want to put them in the same box.
So that actually came from a food delivery box.
So yes.
Right, right, right.
So you've given the porno kings too much credit there.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, we've got an idea that we can sell to them now.
Chilled stickers. Here's what you can do
yeah
there is food in this box
yeah
beware of
a big sticker that says
this is not a dildo
yeah beware of live animals
inside
just anything that can just
trick anyone that's handling it
Joshua Harper
I am
look I think I've been on record before saying if I was a Joshua, I'd go Josh.
I'd go with Josh.
I wouldn't go with Joshua.
Oh, for sure.
No-brainer.
Absolutely no-brainer.
Yeah.
What about would you go – if you were Joshua, would you go Josh or would you go Weedle, Joshy, Washy?
you go Wit or Joshy-washy?
Well, look, whenever I know a Josh, I tend to give them a bit of Joshy, just to really sort of rub it in that they've sort of got a bit of a child's name.
Yeah, yeah.
I've got to be honest.
I've never met a Josh that I like.
Every Josh that I know in my personal life is a complete piece of shit
without exception.
I agree.
And what time on Wednesday do you think we'll get a message, Tommy?
What exact time?
Some of the worst.
What time?
I'm guessing I'm going to say 4.20, funnily enough.
4.21.
Whoa, dude.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I reckon 6.30.
6.30.
Okay.
No, because that's...
That's mealtime.
Yeah, I'll say 6.30.
I mean, I want to...
You're probably right, but it's more interesting. No, you know what, I'll say 16. I mean, I want to – you're probably right, but it's more interesting.
No, you know what?
I'll say later.
I'll say 8 p.m. Well, see, that's not a bad idea because there's more likelihood of that happening,
of someone listening at the gym or something like that, hypothetically.
Hypothetically.
It's not a bad idea.
Working out.
Yeah.
Working out that they've got a dumb name.
Kids are in bed thinking, God, I hate my dad.
What a fucking loser he is.
The only reason I call him dad is so I don't have to use his real name.
No, there's no risk of any kind of Bart Simpson situation
where I'm using the first name once I hit 10 years old.
That's for damn sure.
Kids are like, fuck, I'm glad I'm related to this dork
because I'd hate to have no other name I can call him.
Just anyone listening to this episode,
it's the first time they've ever listened
and just this bit going, what are they talking about?
What is this bit?
What are you talking about?
What is this bit?
We've done the social isolating bit as well.
So, yeah, we're really doing our best in this segment.
Thanks, Joshy.
Thanks, Joshy Harper.
Thanks, Josh.
Thanks, Joshy. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber.
Interesting name coming up, Tommy.
Wrap your earlids around this one.
Thank you to Patreon subscriber
Aston Elliott.
What do you think about that?
A lot going on there. What do you think about that?
Aston is a name.
Yeah, Aston.
So,
is this
named by a parent who
is into the car?
Is that meant to be an illusion?
Because it's so linked to that that it's kind of hard to imagine someone being like,
I just like the name on its own merits.
I agree.
I agree.
I mean, to give like a, what would you call it?
Not a fast, a renowned fast car,
but a renowned cool European car to your son,
I assume it's a boy's name,
that is, I mean, does it pay off?
Do you think it's paid off in this instance?
I think so.
I think it's a pretty cool name.
I don't mind it at all.
I like it.
I like it a lot, yeah.
My cousin Cam, his dad, so my uncle, is a big fan of Italian cars.
And apparently there was a great argument when he was born.
My uncle wanted to give him this name.
Now, I forget exactly how it relates to specifically cars, but I do know that he wanted to give him this name now i don't i forget exactly how it relates to specifically cars but i
do know that he wanted to give him this name because it was like specifically linked to a
model of car that he loves he wanted to call his son enzo oh yeah and he ended up going and he
ended up going with cameron yeah what a fucking what a fucking huge turnaround like you you didn't
just compromise there you just got fucking taken to town by your wife.
She made you get so far away from that name, it's not even funny.
I love it.
It's so good.
Enzo, I believe.
Is it Enzo Ferrari, I believe?
I think that's where that comes from.
Yeah, it's probably that.
Yeah, it's probably that.
I thought when you said his name's Cam, I thought maybe it wasn't even Cameron.
It's just like, you know, when cars have twin cams.
I don't even know what that is, obviously.
I mean, I can barely fucking keep my own car going,
let alone know what that means.
He wanted to call him Enzo
and ended up settling for Broom Broom instead.
So big compromise in the Allsop household.
Yeah, yeah.
He just named his kid instead.
A little old lady just drove this to church every Sunday.
Not many Ks on the clock.
My cousin, G-O-G-G-O, Allsop.
Oh, is this an Allsop?
This is an Allsop, yeah.
Oh, very nice.
Remember when we had Jane Allsop on the show, like about nine years ago?
Yeah, I do remember that.
Yeah.
That was –
Which is very nice.
Remember when we had Virginia Gay on the show?
Yes.
Probably around that same time frame.
Yeah, yeah.
We just got these people that have legitimate jobs and went,
do you want to come and talk to us and people were like like i remember jane was like oh i'll get all these
details and and put on my website and like you know she was someone on blue healers and you know
all this sort of stuff and right and and you know legitimate actress and been on stuff and she
got all the details and put it on her website and really sort of like
bigged it up.
And meanwhile, these days, we can't even get our good mates to fucking
give us a retweet on Twitter.
But she was like, she couldn't have put more detail into it.
And not only that, the link being that, hey, do you want to come on this show
because my real name is sort of the same as your last name,
although it's spelt differently.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's not even a question to it.
It's like it's vaguely the same.
So tenuous.
Yeah.
And also my name that I don't use.
My slave name.
Exactly.
My dead name.
I think that I'm still on Wikipedia as being related to her.
Right.
Or I'm on her Wikipedia page or she's listed on mine or something.
Right.
So someone did that back in the day when that episode went up
and it's still there.
Still has not been amended.
Nice.
So, yeah.
Thanks, Aston.
Thanks, Aston.
One more.
I've really got to do a shorter run tonight Thanks, Aston. Um, one more. I am,
I've really got to do a shorter run tonight.
This is fucked,
but,
um,
just one more.
Let's,
let's just push one more out.
There's a big pile of names that are clogging things up.
So we'll get one more out.
Um, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber,
Joshy Comedy.
Uh,
Joshy,
Joshy,
Joshy Comedy.
Uh,
when's this,
when's this text going to come through from Joshy comedy?
Once he's done entertaining the masses, chuckling it up, chortling it up.
Yeah.
Probably about 11.30 p.m., listening to this in the car on the way home from the gig.
Yeah, what a silly name, comedy, imagine.
Thanks, everyone.
Thanks, everyone.
littledumbdumbclub.com, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub.
Thank you for listening and we'll see you next time.
Get some merch.
We've got t-shirts.
We've got stubby holders.
All that sort of bullshit.
Go to the website.
Check it out.
Yep.
littledumbdumbclub.com.
Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.
See you, mates.