The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 520 - Tommy Little & Luke Heggie

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

Joining us this week from The Church and The Dunny respectively, it's TOMMY LITTLE and LUKE HEGGIE! We update Tommy on our reignited plans for a Thai bar and start plotting out locations and a potential drinks list. We also hear about Heggie's pre-terrorism university pranks, and he shows us the prototype for his brand new business venture. PLUS it's week two of The Masked Pegger, with more clues and more guesses! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Tommy Little and Luke Heggy. Heaps of fun in this one, including the continuation of The Masked Pegger. Head to littledumdumclub.com for links to our Patreon merchandise and all of that other stuff. We'll talk to you a bit more at the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this great new episode with Tommy Little and Luke Heggy. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. And joining us today, we have two very great guests. Please welcome Tommy Little and Luke Heggie. Yes. Made it. It's so exciting to be here. This is literally, because we're in lockdown,

this is the highlight of my week, and I've never once said that about appearing with you guys. We're all on Zoom and we can see your backdrop. Now, we haven't been to your house. Are you living in a church? I'm living in a church. My house is getting renovated, so I'm living in a church. Now, knowing your history, Tommy Little, shouldn't you have burst into flames as soon as you walked in this joint?

No, there was just an ominous voice when I entered the door and it just said, I've been waiting. So it's weird. To give people an idea of what this joint's like, it's kind of like it is an old church, but it's been decorated by someone who is obviously blind. And I asked the owner where Accord was and he said, have you checked the Tibetan tall boy under the gold gilded mirror? That gives you an idea of the decor. Don't be like Heggie's house. Heggie, are you coming to us live from the shitter?

Or sorry, le shitter. Are you in the toilet? No, I'm in my bedroom. I've got this, we're a really small place, man. We're not fucking renovating or anything. It's just, I don't know, it's a two bedroom fucking unit.

I've got my computer in a shelf and I'm sitting on the end of it. Are you already trying to start a fight with me over your house? Also, when we say you're in the toilet right now, when we say you're in the toilet right now, when we said you were in the toilet right now,

you immediately pulled out deodorant and sprayed yourself like we could smell you and that's why I was already in the middle of doing it. I fucking stink.

I was already in the middle of doing that. But man, a lot of people getting renos. Good on you, Tommy, for giving a bit back to the community

and the economy where I've never been fucking busier. Well, it was meant to just be a small job um and that started 18 months ago and i'm still not in my oh right did they upsell you uh yes absolutely and they also um they just fucked rooms one at a time and so then had to go back and they're like you

know that bathroom nah i reckon we'll have to rip that out and go again so you you have a place and so you've been traveling out and staying at other places while your house is getting fixed. So my reno started about 18 months ago, and then I haven't been in it for six months. Wow. I've been out. Okay, right. And it's just a new kitchen.

It's actually wild. So, Heggie, that's what you do. That's what you're doing at the moment, aren't you, 9 to 5? You're renoing the Sydney equivalent of Tommy Little's kitchen. You're renoing Chris Brown's kitchen. Wellmmy little's kitchen you're you're you're reno in chris brown's kitchen well that's that's indicative of how many days hard work you've done it's not fucking nine to five in the trade world it's uh it's like 6 30 or 7 till about three you don't you don't have you check these hands have have they done any work in their entire life? Smooth. Very smooth. Not at all. If you call your dick hard work, then yes.

Heaps. They've done nothing but hard work. No, it actually hasn't done that much hard work either, to be fair. So, Heggie, sorry. I know you're obviously working on site. And so, is that why you've still got your safety goggles on? Yes, yes. Very clever.

The top fans of this can't see. You don't film this and put it out, do you? No. No. Okay. No one can see you in the toilet. Well, I've got glasses on. That's what fucking old mate there is referring to.

That's Melbourne humour. No, no, it's just a bit of good old-fashioned bullying. It's hard to tell if there's a lag on Heggie's end or if just like after everything that gets said to him, there's just like the cogs turning and he's processing how hard he's going to come back. Heggie, is there a lag or are you a slow cunt? There's a lag. Igy, is there a lag or are you a slow cunt? There's a lag.

I'll take it's a lag. Could be a bit of both. We're waiting about two minutes per response on everything that we say to you at the moment. Are you in Sydney or LA? It's hard to tell. Well, speaking of bullying, which is what you graduated in, in the School of Hard Knocks, Luke, I just got, just before I got a phone call from Google.

I got a phone call from Google just before. I didn't know they did that. Yeah, they don't just email. They Google. They ring as well. They've got the phone on at Google. That's a scam. Which is a bit old school of them.

Yeah. No, it's for real. Like, I generally know which ones are the scams or not um you know when you answer the phone and there's like a three second delay because i haven't like figured out and you think oh that's heggie yeah no so i got the call from google and i'm like what the fuck is this about and um then i figured it out what that because obviously it wasn't the first language that they're talking in and i'm like okay i'm sort of struggling to understand what they're saying but what they were saying was um they were checking to make to double check that this phone number they were ringing was officially the phone number

for the kosamui embassy in Australia. Right, right. Yes. Okay, well, cheers to whoever out there has fucking done that one. And what did you say? I said no. Oh, man. I know. Missed opportunity.

I absolutely shit my pants. You've got the time at the moment to be manning the phones for them, and then you'll have a nice little career ready for you after lockdown. Well, to be fair, after I said what, what are you talking about four times, it would have been a bit of a hard you after lockdown. Well, to be fair, after I said, what? What are you talking about four times? It would have been a bit of a hard sell to go, oh, yes, yes, that's exactly what I am. So when you say that English obviously wasn't their first language,

do you think it was someone Thai or that it was just – I think it was just an operator at Google. I personally smelled a rat when you said fucking Koh Samui embassy. They wouldn't have their own embassy, would they? Well, yeah, of course. That's exactly it, and that's what Google should have smelled a rat at because Koh Samui doesn't need an embassy. It's not its own country.

It's a fucking island. It's like a state. It's like Western Australia having an embassy in Cambodia. It's not going to happen. They don't need one. And especially Google not getting that. It's like your Google. Like you have you to be able to look it up on.

But that's hard for that guy because he goes, oh, God, I've got to look this up. Yeah, yeah. Look it up on you maps. Yeah. I would have loved it if the call had have been, hey, we just had to clear something up because we have this phone number listed as both the Koh Samui Embassy

and Guzman and Gomez in South Yarra. And we're just wondering which one of those it is. Are you Guzman and Gomez? This happened a couple of years ago. This was the best, I think the best rank anyone ever pulled, which was they changed online Guzman and Gomez's number to my number

and I couldn't figure out how to fucking change it back. Mate. So I got weeks and weeks of complaints about cold burritos. Well, I love your hard shell tacos. To make up for it. Well, yeah, it's one thing to tell me in person. Give me a call. Let me know.

Yeah, sorry, I will, I will. It also paints, for you, now you know never to go to that Guzman and Gomez. The number of complaints you were getting through your phone number about them. You know what I mean? Yeah, oh, yes. You now know for a fact it's like, this is shit Guzman and Gomez. The number of complaints you were getting through your phone number about them, you know what I mean? Yeah, oh yes. You now know for a fact it's like, this is shit Guzman and Gomez.

But also, how good for them because they would have been like, guys, whatever it is, we fixed it. We haven't had one complaint about a burrito in a week.

Good job, everybody's getting bonuses. Yeah. Anyway, look, I say this purely for entertainment's sake, do not go and change my number to fucking anything else again.

I only bring it up in the absolute high-rises. Yeah, don't. That'll work. Don't change his number to, like, the Ballarat Pizza Hut, for example. No, no. Don't do that. That would be a bad idea. Definitely not Hooters on the Gold Coast.

Definitely don't change that to Carl's number. You reckon they're back? You reckon they're open? They got socially distanced seating at Hooters on the Gold Coast. That is the most disappointing Hoot reckon they're open? They got socially distanced. Oh, man, absolutely. That is the most disappointing Hooters in the world. I can tell you first, they're open. I was up at Gold Coast very recently, went past Hooters, open. It's on.

Great. Did you drop in? I just said, you know, I didn't go in. They like to see a familiar face every now and then, just pop in and say g'day. Remember the old days. It's so strange that Hooters, because Hooters over in the States, obviously,

is like an established franchise, and they have professional people that work there for tips and can make quite a lot of money. And then I went to that Hooters on the Gold Coast and it's like a franchisee has just opened it here like you would open Macca's or anything like that.

So all the staff are 14 but they're in boob tubes and it's like, oh, this is crook. Right, because they've got them cheap like at McDonald's. Oh my God. So they've even got like boys in boob tubes.

Oh, we didn't really understand the concept. We just saw that they did a lot of good business in America. We didn't really get why. Fucking hell. And let's reiterate, Luke Heggie did just say he loves the place. He's regularly down there scoping out the underage talent. Oh, man. I did a gig in Hooters in LA.

It was fucking terrible, obviously. And by gig, you mean waitress. It's like a stand-up show. It was fucked. And the emcee gets on after and goes, anyone understand a word of that? And I've done like 20 minutes. You know what hurts about that is you understood

all his words perfectly. The criticism was loud and clear. And then it took you two minutes to process what he'd said and you yelled out I'll bash you. That's better though. I think I would rather if I had a bad gig, I think I would rather, if I had a bad gig,

I think I would rather someone go, mate, I'm so sorry, I just couldn't understand. Yes, yes. Than I understood every word of that shit. I even related to some of it, just didn't find it funny in the slides. I'm the president of comedy. I'm across all of this stuff and no good.

A bit of an update for you Tommy Little actually. Now a couple of years ago I floated the idea of buying a bar in Koh Samui. Yes. Speaking of Koh Samui and I put the word

out there to a bunch of comics and everyone was like yeah yeah yeah I'll put a stake in it like a thousand dollars or something like that. You were the only person

who said I'll buy everyone out I want the whole thing thank you. I'll put 20 grand in I'll put 30 grand whatever you want you tell me I'll write the out. I want the whole thing, thank you. I'll put 20 grand in, I'll put 30 grand, whatever. You tell me, I'll write the check. I don't remember aggressively saying, I'll buy everyone out.

I don't think it was this sweeping in, no other comic can have fun. I don't remember doing that. But I do remember saying, I'll front up whatever you need. Sounds like a hostile takeover to me. It wasn't aggressive. You're fired, you're fired. What the fuck's he doing? It wasn't aggressive as much as enthusiastic, I think.

And excited is what I was going to point. I was just keen. Yes, exactly. So we sort of went a little bit cold on the idea when we went there and we couldn't quite buy one, but then we worked in our own one that we made for one night and realised how much work it was and went, oh, fuck doing this.

Nightmare. Yeah, but then a couple of years later, I've sort of forgotten all the hard work that we had to put into it and got warm on the idea again. So a couple of weeks ago... You've realised again how much you hate your family and you want to get back there.

No, no, no. I'm trying to feed them. Oh, yeah. Bar in Thailand does that. What an investment. Yeah, yeah. $1.50 a beer over there. I'm making at least 1010 per beer, I think.

I need a safe house that's ready to go for when it all goes to shit. Oh, my God. If you'd have given me that option in April. And there's no better hiding place than Carl's Bar. In the place he always talks about. That his number is the embassy number. Give me embassy. That you'll get your alimony over my dead body, Bar.

Please don't look here, bar. Hiding in plain sight bar. It's got to remain one of the biggest fuckhead things to do to get a bar. It's the fodder of dickheads who've never worked in one or never really done much work their whole lives. Fucking hard work, man. And you think, oh, it's romantic. I have my own bar. I'll name it after me

because I'm fucking brilliant. And then after the first night, oh, my feet hurt. There's no spongy floor. Fucking losers. That's me to a T. Yeah, you get that insight into it doing comedy more than anything because it's like, oh, where's the guy that runs this? Oh, passed out

over there. It's like, oh, yes, I'm drunk who thought, wouldn't it be great if I owned one? And then I could just drink for free whenever I wanted. Well, that's it. Especially for comedians going, imagine if I owned this bar. It's like, yeah, you haven't paid for a drink in this place in 10 years. How much money do you reckon this place is making really? But I should, as an investor, I do have quite an impressive

overseas investment portfolio. Oh, do you already? Yes, because about the same time, about three years ago, it must have been itching to throw some money away, I invested in some land in Chile, which was, by the end of the year, to become a ski chalet. Okay. Really? A South American ski chalet. Okay. Really?

A South American ski chalet. Yeah, it can't be my name on it because I'm not Chilean. So it was going through some fucking, someone's mate's fucking grandma. And all I got was an email saying, welcome to Chile. And then three years later,

the site still has no power, no ski shelter. But you own it? Yeah, I've got a chunk of land. Oh, my God. That's awesome. What's it near? How many hectares?

How many acres? Fuck, man. I don't know. Is it quite big? Yeah, it's big because they've got restrictions on how many plots. So the idea was me and my mates they sold like 24 plots and we were going to get one of our mates as an architect to to design and get all the same chalets kind of connecting right but it just hasn't hasn't happened is there an established ski like there's a lift

and everything there ski lifts all that or you're gonna borrow that no no there is there is a lift there um it's like a but it's that same thing of like guys skiing in chile is really going to borrow that as well. No, no, there is a lift there. It's like a – but it's that same thing of like, guys, skiing in Chile is really going to take off. Yeah. And, you know, as I can tell by you guys who have all gone, fuck, is there skiing in Chile? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That hasn't happened.

Just because it sounds like the word Chile doesn't mean that there's snow. Yeah, yeah. Teggy, did you say you have skied in Chile? I haven't skied, but I've been there. I run the bike around and there's plenty of's snow. Yeah, yeah. Teggy, did you say you had skied in Chute? I haven't skied, but I've been there. I rode my bike around and there's plenty of fucking snow.

Well, if you're riding a bike around somewhere, that generally indicates there's not a lot of snow. Bike riding and snow doesn't go together, I wouldn't have thought. No, there's roads, mate.

We don't ride up the fucking... We don't ride up underneath the chairlift, you fuckhead. How do you get to the snow here? Mate, mate, this dead shit seeing someone ride up underneath the chairlift, you fuckhead. How do you get to the snow here? Mate, this dead shit's seeing someone ride up Threadbow

and he's like, oh, there must be no fucking snow here then. Sorry if I see skis and toboggans linked with snow and not fucking BMXs. The Tour de France fucking goes through the Alps. Yeah, it's just summer. I haven't watched it. You just got to get your snow tires on your BMX on your moldy start.

I'm learning. I'm learning. Well, probably don't bring your fucking hooters into your chilly fucking ski. Don't tell me what to do with my land. Well, that's the... A couple of weeks ago we talked about it. So I've got, I don't know if you know Andrew Wolfe. Luke Heggy would know Andrew Wolfe, but he's a comedian slash stockbroker.

So I've pulled some money into him. He's told me this is a dead set goer. So I'm like, okay, well, here's purely the money just for a tie bar. If we can, if this thing takes off, if this company takes off, this is just for a tie bar. If this thing takes off, if this company takes off, this is just for the tie bar. So the plan is back on if you want to invest, if you want to invest again. Is it fucking MSB?

Is that what he's told you to invest in? Has he told you to invest in MSB? Yeah, right. I think it's quite risky, but I don't know that you're getting your bar soon. Higgy, what's the stock? It's some Melbourne tech. It's like a pharmaceutical stock, is it? Is that what it is?

Yeah, right. Well, fucking fake chances there. I mean, if they make a vaccine in the next few weeks, you're away. You'll own Koh Samui. Yeah, look. Yeah, exactly. If they get the vaccine, I'm buying your fucking chilly fucking

ski resort off you I heard I heard an interesting theory oh nah fuck it's not funny I just heard a theory

about small companies pushing their vaccines through because Trump's pumping so much money into the FDA to get something approved that big pharmaceutical

companies don't want a bar of it so they're using their own checks and balances so they reckon the first vaccines are going to be this small company that fucking shoots that big pharmaceutical companies don't want to borrow it. So they're using their own checks and balances. So they reckon the first vaccines are going to be this small company that fucking shoots it through the FDA who go, yep, absolutely, that's approved.

Right. So there is some good 100 to 1 horses out there. Yeah, and then get out of it before the lawsuits come in. I believe that's nearly word for word what Andrew Woolf's advice with our stock is at the moment. Really? So it's like stock is at the moment. Really? So it's like we've made the vaccine. It'll protect you from COVID, but it does give you cancer.

As soon as it peaks, we're translating it into Thai bar, and then we're fucking absolutely out of there on some sort of shanty boat thing. But it's really money making more money, because then as soon as it does give you cancer, that's the next vaccine they're working on. Right, right, right. So you're like, you're leaving the casino. This is like we've pulled off the heist and then we all go our separate ways. Oh, isn't that fun?

And we can never have anything to do with each other again. It's that kind of arrangement. But you meet up again in the bar in two years' time and you all have to wear a shit hat. Well, you guys have got that covered already. In two years' time. And you all have to wear a shit hat. Well, you guys have got that covered already. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just we've all got fake moustaches on other sides of the bar, just like going, cheers, a beer for that young man over there in the shit hat. Yeah. With a fake moustache sitting over your real moustache. Just walking in being like, thank God I can finally have a beer. I've been on the run for two years, unable to get alcohol. This was in no way worth it. Send a beer over to that other miserable looking fuck over there.

So where's the stock at at the moment? How are you feeling about the prospect? I think it's definitely up. Definitely up. Should I have a quick peruse? Yeah. Is it called MSB? Is that right?

I don't know. Miso Blast, I believe. That's it. That's it. I don't know. I don't know how legal it is for us to be talking about

exactly what it is, but I don't know. I don't know. You're not fucking insider. Well, it's not insider. You're so outsider trading. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think what's illegal is like pumping it up and whatever,

whereas us saying we own it is the opposite. If that kind of owns it, probably get off it. Yeah, so it's at? $450, $449, something like that. Yeah. That's all right. Oh, nice. Which is?

I think I got in at about $300 or something, I think. That's all right. When did you get in? A month or two ago, I think I got in at about three or something. That's all right. About that. When did you get in? A month or two ago, I think. Yeah. Not as early as I should have because Andrew Wolfe is in earlier than me. Fuck me.

I can't believe that this show now has a stock market segment. It's been too long because I've got some thoughts on the footsie and I just haven't known where to air them. So that's travelling along well. So, you know, Heggie, you're invited to be part of it as well, to be a major investor in this bar in a country we can't possibly get to or look at or anything. I think, you know, buying a bar online without actually being there

I think is probably the best way of buying real estate, wouldn't you say? Man, my money's all tied up. I'm not fucking investing. I'm out. No fucking way. Sucked in. What's it tied up in?

Well, mainly paying the rent and the kids' school fees and shit. Right, right. You've got shares in your kids. Yeah yeah i've got a few other investments on the go actually i i have invested uh just recently i don't know you can fucking hear it first myself and fellow comic dave schmeet from uh sydney are investing in uh we're going into manufacturing men's underwear and it's um we're getting just just 500 pair to start with but white, right, and they've got a pocket on the front, so you put your keys and your wallet and shit in that,

and they've already got a skid mark printed in the gusset, so you take them to the beach, turn them inside out, chuck them on the beach, no one touches them. That's good. Yeah, they're called cork jocks. Okay. They'll be out in about a month. Okay. Great. I love this. Hang on, what are they called, Heggie? What are they called called Fort Jocks. Okay. They'll be out in a bit of a month. Okay.

Great. I love this. Hang on, what are they called, Heggie? What are they called? Fort Jocks. Fort Jocks. As in where they keep gold, but it's shit instead of gold. Yeah, absolutely.

And like the first, they're limited edition. We're putting out a few limited editions. The first ones are called Hot Cooter Nights. Well, of course they're limited edition if no one buys them. So, yeah. Well, I mean, if this brand gets too big, then they're not going to be able to protect the valuables anymore because thieves will see them and go,

oh, that's one of those novelty brands that have the fake skitties on them. So I'll just take the money. They'll take the jocks and leave the wallet. Yeah. You're thinking inside the box. It's only, like, we're not going to sell millions of pair not a fucking idiot but uh once the publicity kicks in i reckon a couple of summers we'll um i'll see you in case is there a danger heggie now i firstly i love it so i don't want this to come across as negativity

at all but is there a danger that that that um that the four jocks will be picked up and placed in a bin because they'll be seen as discarded underwear? Have you ever picked up a pair of skidded undies anywhere in public and put it in a bin? Too many times to mention. If you're picking them up, strangers, skid mark gussets, you deserve a fucking wallet, man, and a phone. I was going to say, yeah, what about the chair sniffers,

the real Tommy Dasolo types out there that are just in it for the skiddies and then go, oh, this is a nice surprise. Some cash is in here as well. All my Christmases have come at once. I can't believe I'm getting paid for this. We've thought of that, and it's very niche that someone might slip through, but of course there's going to be some shrinkage because the skid mark, right, it's obviously got a bit of brown in it and a little bit of yellow,

a spot of green, and just a whisper of red. So that's going to scare you off. Yeah, yeah. Can I ask where you got this design work done? Who did you commission this artwork from? Is this a Ken Doan? No, it's got to be a Jackson Pollock for sure. We've got a lot of artists to bid for it and we just picked the winner.

And it's pretty disgusting. Okay, right. I mean, I've put on an exhibition and I also have an appalling diet. So I'd be happy to put myself forward for the next... Guys, I think we're about to see a prototype. Is he taking them off his own body to show us? I've got a sample, right?

What's happening at the moment, Eggie? There you go. Oh, my God. That is way crooker than I thought. It's brutal. Oh, it's disgusting. As in better. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was going to It's brutal. Oh, it's disgusting. As in better. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought it was going to be like cartoon poo, but it's not. That's very realistic poo. Oh, yeah. Fish bones in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some flies drawn on. And now Heggie realises that's not the prototype.

That's the only pair of white undies in my house not a fucking you know psychopath mate um that's great are you looking for investors well it seems too secure for you fuckwits you were telling me the other night heggie we were you know you're going into into manufacturing underwear now you told me the other night, Heggy, you're going into manufacturing underwear. Now, you were telling me the other night, you started to tell me about going to university. I would have thought you had a full university degree by now. You wouldn't need this sort of get-rich-quick scheme, but you didn't finish university.

Oh, I finished university. I finished an honours degree. I was about to do a PhD, in fact and become a a doctor of philosophy so i did finish thanks very much i just um oh okay sorry i'm sorry i forgot you were wearing glasses sorry my bad yeah well that's what they give you um yeah i did go to uni i sort of i was very young finishing school i just thought i'll just keep not going to workforce it sucks so i started uni and like i it wasn't that hard i did a business advertising and marketing degree then after that i did an honors year and then i got a job at uni i was lecturing and tutoring at uni for a year oh really yeah but sort of i was only like 22 23 but the 23. But the best part of that was, right, there was this lecturer there.

And in the first year, me and a mate from the same school were doing this course, and she fucking hated us. Just one of those, you know, one of those fucking teachers who hate you. And we'd had her, right? We'd just passed. She wanted us out of her class so we didn't have to repeat. And we went back the next semester and put on balaclavas. This is well before terrorism.

And just ran into her lecture. Oh, wow. Hang on, hang on. This was before terrorism was invented? Pretty much. Before the IRA? No, no, it was after that. It was like 1992 or something.

So there was no cameras and stuff. But we just busted into the lecture. Good. I just wanted to clear up. I just wanted to clear up that you invented terrorism. That's all. I thought that was going to be your first claim. That's all. That's all.

No, just not the modern wave of it. So pre-2001, people weren't as on edge. The philosophical stuff. Right, yeah, the smart terrorism. Yeah, just the cute larrikin stuff over in Ireland and that. That was whatever. Libya, Ireland, fuck it. Yeah.

But pre-before it hit American shores, really. Right. So, yeah, busted in and just... There's 400 people there in her lecture. And this other dude was a lunatic. He just started screaming. And I just got my ass out and mooned her. And then we ran off.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Let's slow down. Let's slow down. Hang on. You ran in. You ran in balaclavas into someone's lecture theater in front of 400 people with balaclavas on. But then you didn't show your face, but you showed your ass.

Is that what's happened to you? Yes, yeah. That's exactly what happened. But why is that shocking to you? You're acting like, God, everybody knows Heggie's ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bad luck, isn't it?

Getting identified by your ring. All he's done, so far, to me, this is seamless terrorism and a fantastic job. Yeah. Sorry. Mr. Heggie, continue.

Well, we went that late. Obviously, everyone's panicked when they've seen the mask come in. You've gone, well, we're all dead here. And then all we've seen is your fucking anus. What a way to go. Yeah. That was apparently the worst bit about in the Twin Towers as the planes were heading towards them. The last thing those people saw was the people piloting the plane chucking a brown eye out the window.

Yeah, yeah. Coming towards them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Heggying a brown eye out the window. Yeah, yeah. Coming towards them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Hedy's influence. On the front window. And then one opened the cockpit door and hit the passengers. Big pressed ham and they're like, fuck, we'll never forget this. I'm glad I'm about to die.

This is disgusting. Jeez, this isn't exactly the light at the end of the tunnel they talk about. Okay, so you go balaclavas, you get your brown eye out yeah and then we ran off changed clothes went back to our lecture and we're sitting there looking at each other going that didn't go that well like it was like there was no like didn't hear anything but then we went back to the scene of the crime like a pair of fucking pyromaniacs. And in the... In the... It went off. Like, we had...

I had a couple of mates go to that lecture because they knew we were going to do it. They didn't even go to uni. They just went and sat there with a notepad. Just big fans of Heggie's ass. Right. And they said it scared them. They knew when it was going to happen.

It scared them. All the girls were crying. Oh, it was massive. Police turned up. It was with all... What? Of course. Yeah, it was huge.

Of course. I got huge, man. I got scared listening to the story. It's pretty wild how far face coverings have come in such a short time. Like, the mask I wear out is just like a kind of scarf thing pulled up over my face. It looks like I'm going to rob a train carriage

in a western and just six months ago if I'd walked into a servo like that I'm pretty sure you'd hit a button and now it's like if you don't look like you're going to rob the joint you can't fucking come in I did that the other day

so we're in Melbourne obviously and we're pretty mask heavy at the moment. There's a curfew and all that sort of stuff. So I went running just before 8 o'clock the other night. And the sort of quirk in the rule is here in Melbourne at the moment, you can exercise without the mask. So if I'm running, I don't have to wear the mask. So I was running full pelt down this hill,

and I could hear this woman yelling at me that I'm running towards. And she she's just yelling and i'm thinking well that's not at me like i'm you know this is a bit you know you kind of think you don't kind of think that's going to be at you i'm not doing anything that bad that she could be yelling at me but she's going crazy and the closer i get i'm like this is at me actually and then i can hear her like pointing behind me going you go back go around go back don't come near me without the mask on what are you fucking doing and i'm like and it's all like coming very quickly as i'm running down i'm trying to compute this very quickly and i'm thinking first of all i'm allowed to not wear a mask because i'm running as tenuous as weird as that rule is and then i look at her

she's not wearing a fucking mask she's's just walking along going crazy at me. Put your fucking mask on. She's absolutely wearing no face covering at all. Well, maybe she thinks I'm the mask police. If I get 10 people to put the mask on, that offsets me from wearing the mask. It's like one in, one out kind of thing. Right, right. I had a great one the other day.

I was running, same thing. And a guy who was wearing a mask walking towards me as I'm running towards him, he pointed at me and goes, I can still recognize you. And I wasn't wearing a mask. But he was. So I think he misunderstood how masks work.

I'm perceptive. I can tell who this guy is even when my nose and mouth are covered. Even with a mask on, I can recognise him. He thought he was wearing an x-ray mask that could see through other masks. Possible idea for

a drink that we could serve or that you could have on the menu at the Thailand bar? This is the last time. Sorry, have you got a drink suggestion? I do. I'm keen. Yeah, because just in general. This was the last time that you and I hung out, Carl,

before the lockdown came into effect. You were at my house and we went to the bottle shop near my house to get something to drink, to get a couple of drinks. And the guy that works, they're a very colourful character. We're just kind of perusing. I don't love his range of beers, but anyway.

His terrible range of beers. And he, for people who regularly listen to this, this is the place that served us the... Half full Peronis. The half full Peronis. Oh. Half full Peronis.

In a bottle? Yep. Cracked open, sealed. Cracked it open, half empty. Did you have a sip of this? Nah. Yeah. You sure?

But yeah, we were in there just kind of perusing the selection and he goes oh can you know after anything in particular and you know like lockdown's just about to come into effect so you know i'm trying to i'm trying to get a bit of um bit of bit of banter going with him and i go oh um have you got any metho and he then tells us this story that when he first moved to melbourne he worked at a pub in collingwood and there was this homeless guy that would come in and ask for a cup of peppermint cordial yes or he would have the peppermint cordial with him and he would just sit there drinking it and this peppermint cordial which i didn't even know had ever existed i'm sure i pitched it as an invention idea thinking it didn't exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. But then, yeah, this guy,

someone that he worked with was like, what's the deal with this fucking guy coming in just drinking his peppermint cordial in a bar? And the other guy was like, no, he's homeless. What he's doing is he's got some metho on him and he's just like pouring it into a glass and then he's covering it with the peppermint cordial to dilute the taste.

Fuck, imagine how bad it must taste for peppermint cordial to make it taste better. And, imagine how bad it must taste for peppermint cordial to make it taste better. And doesn't that still make you crook? I guess you build up a tolerance, do you? Yeah, no, it just makes it go down a bit easier. Yeah, and he tells us this story and we're kind of in horror and then he gets this little twinkle in his eye and he goes,

we called it the Collingwood Cocktail. That's very good. Given that Thailand, you know, there's kind of often reports about them diluting their spirits with dodgy stuff. Like, I reckon we could, we bring a bit of Melbourne to this place. We have the Collingwood cocktail on the menu. We're going to be buying cut price spirits that are probably laced with fucking God knows what anyway. Oh, yeah.

I mean, you tell that story in Thailand and they just look at you and go, what do you think you've just been drinking for six hours, you fucking idiot? Cocktails over here are $2. Why do you think they're $2 and not $30? I had an idea for drinks. I always, if I'm hungover, I usually would have a Barocca, but then I have Aspro Clear as well. And so then I started having like Barocca dolls, which were basically just Panadols and Baroccas at once.

And then I thought, why does nobody Put painkillers In cocktails Like why don't we have Okay Why don't we have Aspro clears In Yeah

In Just It's just I mean I've seen a lot of ads That say don't take painkillers With alcohol That would just be The answer I would have thought

They're fucking noobs I reckon Like Fizzy Bloody Mary's Where you had Aspro clears In your Bloody Mary's As your first drink of the day Right

Fucking knock the top right off Right Yeah Apart from medical advice Mate Well You know Can we get chairs in this

I mean surely this is a medical Sort of Yeah I did I patented Brock Tales Oh nice Nice Well yeah I mean

You know if you're going to go Against medical advice A bar in Thailand Is the place to do it Yeah Because it's like You can borrow that shit just over the counter. You can get Valium over the counter.

So what better place for the Bloody Mary that's got fucking 18 Euro for 50 pounds. And you could even serve stiff drinks where you've slipped Viagra into people's drinks. Fantastic. Again, very readily available over the counter. Peggy, we didn't get the end of your terrorism story. Oh, yeah. Sorry, sliding very briefly back to that. Yeah.

Oh, man, the fallout was huge. There was a big, like it was talked about for months on campus. My mate got pulled in for an interview because he was so crazy. They thought he's a suspect, and he just went, what, can't prove anything, see ya and i i kind of shit a bit i thought oh i'm only six months into uni i can't go home and tell mom i'm getting kicked out so um i just sort of lay low but then three years later my office was next door to hers so i was like morning, every, like she had a nervous breakdown, took six months off, fucking.

Oh my God. Wow. Stress leave. It was huge. It was a big deal. And you never admitted it? You never said anything to her? Well, I wouldn't have.

Fuck no. I sincerely hope she's not a dumb, dumb fan, but no, absolutely not. Yeah. Is this, how long ago was this? Is the statute of limitations up on this crime? Is that why you're publicly talking about it? I think it's important that you say that this is a story and that you didn't do it. Let's start whacking some allegedly sin at this point.

I just made all that up. But it was not in here. Right, right. Man. This is Australia's answer to the Golden State Killer. How have they never found this guy? Hey, Peggy, you might be safe. She might have killed herself by now.

So you might be in the clear. Imagine if there was a moment like years later where you and her suddenly, you got over your grievances and you had a quick love tryst. And then when you were rolling around in bed the next morning, as you went to get out of bed she was going oh no i remember that ass start shaking up yeah you turn around she puts her hands up straight away take whatever you want take everything i've got here's my purse i think that would be unlikely she'd be about 80 now so no that's not gonna fucking happen what did that happen and then you're in this relationship

with her so then you're continually walking around in the nude but with a mask over your ass the whole time just in case you got caught? Wow, thank you. Thanks for incriminating yourself on this podcast. I look forward to this being played in a court case. I mean, don't labour on it. Not a huge... I mean, not much to

cancel it's not like I've got a job that you know you can sack me for or anything fuck it whatever

yeah not much to cancel is a great name for a show particularly a short running one that then

gets cancelled yeah now let's bring this up as part of the show now we now I know you you guys are both absolutely avid rabid dumb dumb club listeners so I know I don't need to catch you guys up on this but for first-time listeners that may have come into the show this week now I'll give you a bit of history what we're about to talk about now obviously in Melbourne we're in a

bit of lockdown we we months're about to talk about. Now, obviously, in Melbourne, we're in a bit of lockdown. Months and months ago, both Tommy and I talked about how we were doing too much online shopping for ourselves. We thought we'd be less selfish. We'll buy something for each other. At the same time, Tommy Daslow said his big goal for the lockdown, he said, I want to get pegged by my girlfriend. And for the people out there that don't understand what that is. We were discussing it.

There was discussion in the relationship. There had been at the start of the year about potentially engaging in a bit of pegging. Am I allowed to ask a question about your love life? Sure. Would this be the first time? Yes. Yes. And is it something you have thought about for a long time?

Or is it a recent inquisitiveness? Recent inquisitiveness. Okay. It did sound very recent. It sort of shocked us on the show when you did pull it out. I was very surprised. I thought it was a bit. You said no.

You convinced us this is a serious... Were you serious about it, Tommy? Still don't understand. Were you serious about it? I was considering it. Yeah, I was thinking about it pretty heavily for a period there. Talking to my girlfriend about it a bit, yeah. No kink shaming.

No kink shaming. Who is more into it? Her, 100%. Oh. I got the impression it was her. I thought it was her being a bit. I thought the way you talked about it on the show was, you suggested it and then she said, nah, you wouldn't do it, meaning she was a bit more negative about it.

No, she, so she brought it up, was pushing for it for a bit and then as soon as I went, okay, yeah, maybe she was like, I actually don't think you okay yeah maybe she was like i actually don't think you have have it in you i don't think you have what it takes you don't have it in you and you're not gonna have yeah exactly and i was like yeah you're probably right oh she said like she what's that what's that called um reverse psychology you fuck i've never sounded dumber. Just after Heggie told us he was about to get a doctorate and I'm like, you reversed psychologist. Oh, fucking hell. Tommy, I reckon you have sounded dumber.

One time I remember seeing you and you came in, you were excited. You said, hey, guys, do you know what prunes are? Everyone just went, yeah. And you said, I just found out today. They're plums. Yeah, man. Mate, I remember finding that out. Well, speaking of things that give Tommy a sore ass.

I also, because I remember finding out the pickles were just pickled cucumbers as well and it blew my fucking mind I was at a restaurant and they put these things in and I said are these like pickles

or are these just like some kind of pickled cucumber oh my god that was only like a year ago incredible shout out to the people out there that are learning

what both those things are by you guys bringing them up right now I mean the plums one was used to me as of literally right now. I'm not going to announce it to people after this podcast. I'm not going to say, check this out. I'm going to keep it to my fucking self.

I'm going to pretend I've always known. So to catch people up, in case you don't realise at home, what's happened is we bought each other gifts. Tommy bought me a very nice little print, a picture of Thai food that I could put up in my home that doesn't have much in the way of decoration on the walls or anything like that. Now, what I've done last week is I've given you the gift. What's happened? It's been weeks and months in the making.

You've been given a strap-on. you've been given a strap on you've been given a like a dildo with a belt attached with a harness separate to this yeah yeah yeah so so that it's a well apparently from what I

know I don't know if you've gotten your girlfriend to try it on yet from what I know it's a bit of a one-size-fits-all I'd hate to have bought something too big for

your girlfriend and yeah well who the fuck does Chandler think I am some fatty trying to fuck my boyfriend up the ass I hope that it absolutely fits my boyfriend up the ass. I hope that it absolutely fits.

That's not the biggest problem, I reckon. But yeah, go on. You don't? Oh, okay. Okay, all right, all right. You're a man of the world, Heggie. You've got qualifications. I'm some fucking idiot labourer over here in terms of fucking people in the ass.

But anyway, so Tommy has gotten the dildo the the harness and whatever to make him to try and make him feel a little bit more at home instead of just like i would have thought there would be some sort of insult getting some strange foreign you know dildo um straight up his clacker so i've personalized it a little bit i've got a comedian to model for the dildo it's umelled off a friend of ours' penis. Someone's been on the show before and given him the gift. And last week it was presented to him. So this was a thing where, yeah, I presume like some form of kit got sent out to this person? A cast that they had to dip the member into?

Who knows? Or maybe it was found information. There's a lot of possibilities out there. Okay, what does that mean? Well, there was already a cast of this person's penis. You don't know. Oh, okay, right. We don't definitely know for sure yet.

Can I sum this up? I think you summed this up a lot better when you just sent me a text message. Right. And you just said, Tommy's going to get pegged by his girlfriend, so we got a random comedian to mould his cock. It's like our version of The Masked Singer. You've got to guess who it is. Yes, exactly.

Well, that's what it is. It's The Masked Pegger. That's the segment that we've got going now. Yeah. Are you going to find out after? Yes. I would hope so, yeah. Yes, at some stage.

Or during. Oh, that's not bad. That's not bad at all. Because there could be a great chance for a phone message, almost like a saw, like you're probably wandering away here. Just mid-pegging, the comedian's face pops up. You know what? What I didn't realise was that this thing has got room for a vibrator

to be stuck in the middle of, up in the middle of. So, you know, there's also possibly room for some sort of like voice recording to be inserted into it. So it could be exposed mid-thrust maybe. What an amazing coincidence to get the mold off a comedian's cock who had a hole in the middle. It's hollow. That's incredible.

That is incredible. Well, that's a big clue. If you know someone with a hollow dick It's a big chance that it might be there If you go around an open mic room When things come back And just knock on someone's dick And you can probably figure out who it is

So in front of you I can see There is a pink box Which seems to say the word love on top Is the member in here? Yeah do you want to have a look? The local member Of course there is a pink box. Yep. Which seems to say the word love on top. Yep. Is that, is this, is the member in here? Yeah, do you want to have a look? The local member. Of course.

Imagine getting to this point and saying no. This is, it's quite confronting, isn't it? Yeah. Can you see that there, Heggie, on the screen as well? Yep, got you. Do you recognise that? No. Have you seen that in any open mic urinals or anything? You can't pick it straight.

That'd be great if all of a sudden Heggie was like, got it, I know, Jemelon. It's Jemelon. Yeah, right. It's clearly a psychopath because whoever can maintain a stag while pouring fucking warm plaster of Paris and then moulding it and everything,

there's something fucking wrong there. Someone who doesn't think too much about the future. Peggy, I picture those old, you remember how you used to get casts and it was like the sheets of placer and then they're patting it down the whole way while wetting it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be great in Star Wars when he's in the carbonite, if it's just him there but then just like full rods sticking out

because he's turned on by the idea. That's a great idea. I know it's not the best with everyone remotely at the moment, but we should be sending this around to each guest and getting them to sign it like a cast, everyone that's been on the show. Get well soon, mate. That would be good.

Yeah. This is the sisterhood of the travelling pants. Imagine if this was the vaccine. Yeah. This is what I had shares in Yes This is MSB This is what's getting me a bar in Thailand Okay

Fuck And so So we've given out some clues last week So now Just like the Masked Singer I mean Look Legally

Completely differently To the Masked Singer of course Obviously But there was some clues Yeah because people are going to get these confused Yeah I don't want to use it I mean, look, legally, completely differently to the Masked Singer, of course, obviously. But there was some clues. Yeah, because people are going to get these confused. I don't want Husey suing me or anything like that. But there was some slight clues given out last week, and I'm very happy to announce that I've been sent some new clues

that we can play out here on the show. So I'll do that right now hopefully we can all all hear this uh let's go a bunch of comedians you know have only lived in melbourne not me i've lived other places in australia i haven't done just comedy over the years i've done all sorts of things i've even had something to do with a big Aussie pop hit. I've even got a connection to the Royals. But don't worry, Tommy, I'm not Prince Andrew. You're not too old for me to absolutely plow that cute little butthole.

I know that voice. That's Siri. It's Siri's cock. Okay, so someone who has not just lived in Melbourne, someone who's got a connection to a pop hit and a connection to the royal family or the royals. I mean... Is that all of them?

I've got what I assume will be a pretty obvious guess, but would you like it? Yeah, sure. I assume we're looking for a bloke. Ding. Well, look, I... That was my clue, my guess. Yeah, right, right.

So, well, yeah, well... Does that make sense? I would assume that that means you can rule out a lot of female comedians No, I meant Chris Franklin. Fucking hell. What? I meant Chris Franklin.

Right, right, right, right. Okay. Yeah. That was my guess too. Any ideas? Chris, the bloke TM Franklin. I meant Chris Franklin Right, right, right Okay Yep That was my guess too Any ideas? Chris, the bloke TM Franklin Ticks all those boxes Yeah

I don't know if he's been on the show Well, I tried to say I would say he's not been on the show Oh, hasn't he? He is What are you doing? No, I actually hit him up recently But at the moment it's a bit hard

Okay Who did No, I actually hit him up recently, but at the moment it's a bit hard. Okay. Who did, who paid for their hit to go, sorry, for their song to go number one? And this was part of the joke. Who did this? This was a recent thing, you mean? No, it was a while ago and they did a song. And I think there was a thing around with the ARIA charts where like, if you generated enough sales, you went to number one,

but the sales were quite low to generate enough. So I think it was, I'll have this number wrong, but it was something like you pay five grand and you get a number one song. Oh, yes, of course. Oh, fuck, who did that? A comedian did that, basically. Yes. Oh, I haven't heard that one.

There was a while there where to get a number one and your sort of, your posh bosses of the world were getting busted down at their equivalent of sanity just buying 40 singles of their own song because that was still going on at physical sales. I don't know whether there's that old rule of getting things shipped into the store counted as number one and then you just sent them back when they didn't't sell there was that sort of thing yeah yeah i mean if you're doing that get someone else to get them yeah you know send a mate i mean well it's easy to do that

now with streaming you just like have it on a loop and you don't have to worry about like being found out but so what was the exact wording and it was had something to do with apply it again it's had something to do with a pop hit let me let me so it's not necessarily comedians you know have only lived in melbourne not me i've lived other places in australia everywhere i haven't done just comedy over the years i've done all sorts of things i've even got a connection to the Royals, but don't worry, Tommy, I'm not Prince Andrew. You're not too old for me to absolutely plough that cute little butthole. There you go. You can rule out Prince Andrew.

That's one thing. Something to do with a pop hit. So it could be a very, very tenuous link in some way. Do you know what I mean? It could be like... Like they could have even just hooked up with someone who was a pop star. You know, like designed the cover art. Yeah.

You know, some very... It could be a... I'm guessing it's something quite loose like that. I'm suggesting it might not be John Farnham. It might not be the absolute literal first person. I think a bigger clue than any that you've played is who would do this. That's what I've been thinking about. I've had a week to think about this.

I'm in a bit of a different position to you guys where it's like, who would get this request from Carl and not tell him to go fuck himself? And it's literally Blakey and Nick Cavill. Yeah, who would tell him to go fuck you? And it's literally Blakey and Nick Cavill. Yeah, who would tell him to go fuck you? It's like, it's not as, also, by the way, we should say, big week of activity on the socials. And it really, I don't know, I mean, it really makes you wonder about what kind of, like,

special homes they're playing this show in. Like, people getting on Facebook going, it has to be Andy Lee. Hands down, hands down, it's Peter Hellier. It's definitely Peter Hellier. It's definitely Peter Hellier. It's like, what planet are you on? What I love was someone saying, it is definitely Adam Hills. It's like, he hasn't been on the show for five years, but yeah.

No, he's back in dick form. But that's true to the Masked Singer. You know when they're like, it's John Travolta. Oh, no, wait. It's the person that came eighth on Australian Idol five years ago. No, I did love it, especially I watched an episode where someone was like, it's Beyonce. It's like, you can't even get someone from New South Wales

thanks to restrictions. It's not Beyonce. Wait, maybe that's not the stupidity. You've just inspired me. Maybe this isn't a dick. Is this Hilsey's stump? Yeah, so officially he's not fucking your ass, he's kicking your ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great.

Oh, Mr. Nice Guy. Dicks and specks. Dicks and pegs. Dicks and pegs. Dicks and pegs. Dicks and pegs. That's great. Dicks and pegs. So, obviously, Heggie and I both know, being the huge connoisseurs of the show that we are,

but for the people who are listening for the first time, could you refresh us of the guesses from last week? Oh, no one's ruled out, of course, because like the Masked Singer, you can guess and whatever, but nothing's ruled out. I'm playing the Osher Gunzberg role, as in who knows if I even know. Just give us the guesses from last week, please, mate.

Oh, but us guessing on the show is irrelevant because he's not going to reveal a one. No, but didn't Thornow and... Oh, who was Thornow's... Yeah, right. Who was Thornow's guess? I think they each went... Yeah, David Quirk was suggested.

I think they both went... I think one of, Greg and Dave, both each guessed maybe Blakey and Kappa. Hey, the thing that is holding me back from this guess is I don't think he would do it. Who? So to this person, I think more of you than this, please know that when I'm saying this guess. But obviously was involved with Bedroom Philosopher a lot

and Earl is a royal kind of title. Yes. My guess would be Josh Earl. Right. I like that thinking. Okay. We've done other places. Yeah.

That was a fucking good guess, guys. No, that is good. So one of the clues last week was that there was some sporting ability involved as well, some recognised sporting ability. Recognition for sporting prowess. Yes. And the clue was... Performed internationally,

which Josh has performed overseas as well. Yes. What was it? It was... Josh is quite sporty. I'm technically a comedian. I've performed all over in different states, both physically and mentally,

which I don't... I'm with you on every other step with Josh, except for the, you know, Josh performing like fucked off his head or whatever. Mentally. Yeah. Pretty good guess though, man. I think back to square one though,

it's just who's a big enough lunatic to actually do it like on request. I like how you're like, let's just get rid of half the show. No, no, there's all these guesses. No, no, no, no, no. Fuck that off. Who's fucked enough to do it? There's also, I find intriguing, Carl's like alluding to maybe it was already made and

all he had to do is get permission from this person who'd already fucking had a bunch of these made like a fucking weirdo and maybe they were selling them or, you know, or it was part of a museum. I will, you know what? I will give part of a museum I will give this clue out I will give this clue out because people have asked this week about it people have asked

on the socials can we get a copy of this after this is all over I will say this this is not the only copy I will say I will give out that clue

okay interesting so you've got one for yourself I've got one in me right now I wonder why you've been vibrating the whole show I've got one in me right now. I wonder why you've been vibrating the whole show.

I wouldn't want Tommy to try it out without it being tested. That would be crazy. That would be just rude. I've really got to go and get some double A's. So that is a vibrator in there at the moment as we speak. Well, yeah, it's got a little battery. It's got a little opening for a battery. Right.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I will listen on with baited ears. Are you going to say when someone gets it correct or is there a reveal? No, I think there's the – well, I said last week when Tommy tries it out, when Tommy tries it out, then he can learn after. Give us our timeline. I think you're going to be waiting a while. Season 11 of The Masked Pegger.

Now, Tommy gave me a print last week and I've already framed that and put it up. So, I mean, look, no pressure. I've done that within a week. You take two weeks. I doubt that's true. That's absolutely not true in the slightest. I have been to a framing shop.

How fucking dumb do you think I am? You might be trying to fuck me up the ass, but at least respect my intelligence. What do you have? I know about cucumbers, all right? I know about pickles. What do you have to wait for, Tommy? Do you have to wait for a certain cycle or something?

What are you waiting for to get this done? You're waiting for more guesses or something? A certain cycle? Yeah. Yeah, I mean, well, first of all, the fact that you assume that the one hold-up of me not doing the pegging was not having access to the instrument yet is quite cute. That was never the issue.

There's been one ready to go since January. Oh, really? Waiting in the wings, just chomping at the bit. We haven't heard that before. Whose cock is that? Is that just some random? So there's two comedians. Is that the issue here?

You're one of those doggers. You just want a random in the park to absolutely ream you. That's it, right? Yeah. Well, if that's the issue, I can throw away the name right now and you can go to town on this one if that's the issue. What do you mean? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. If The Masked Singer isn't anything to go by, guys, you've got to get a few weeks out of this. You've got to then start shows called The Road to the Finale. Right. You've got to get a few weeks out of this You've got to then start shows called The Road to the Finale Right And you've got to have the finale In which obviously Audiences will be back allowed in Melbourne And it's a live streamed event

Of Tommy getting pegged on Yes We've got to have a coronavirus outbreak And then the peg gets put in isolation For two weeks While your missus wears a giant puppet costume For some weird Masked Singer cross promo And just like the Masked Singer cross promo.

And just like the Masked Singer, Tommy's literally singing as it goes in. And Hughes is dancing, weirdly. Yes. Great. Great. Great. My kids were watching Masked Singer at the Goldie recently, and I walked past just as Hughes was flogging off one of his apartments.

He's just saying, on air, just saying one of my apartments is empty. If anyone wants it, hit me up because I need to rent it out. Great. It's fucking sick. Great. It's one of the best bits of telly I've seen. They're watching that on the goalie. You just had him in the playroom at the Hooters, didn't you?

No, they were working. Heggie, can we leave you with a guess? Have you got a guess? Yeah, yeah. Can you put a name down? Throw a hat into the room. I've got a few guesses, but I'll make it one. I'm going to go Mooney just because he's fucking mad. And he's definitely lived in other places.

He's up here somewhere now. Yeah, I'll just go Mooney. Not scared. He's an absolutely not scared person Yeah. I was just going to say. Yeah, not scared. He's an absolutely not scared person, Lawrence Mooney. You're right there. Has posed nude for the Science Works or whatever. Not Science Works. You don't pose for Science Works.

You touch the tip of an electric car and go through your head. If you don't beat Cathy Freeman, you get to race Lawrence Mooney nude. Just lasers shooting out of Mooney's dick at you. Is this kids? I love this. I love a science work

where it's like literally every exhibit relates back to this nude man in some way. Kids, if you want to learn about static electricity, rub up against Mooney's pubes.

Check it out. We're going to pour liquid nitrogen over the head of his dick and see what happens to it. He has posed nude. You can see Lawrence Mooney's penis nude at the National Gallery of Australia.

I don't think that's true anymore. I think he got decommissioned a couple of years ago. I think they've taken it down relatively recently. Right, okay. I think. That's a shame. Could be wrong, but it's a shame. Well, also, it's circumcised,

so it's probably a man over 40-ish, back when they just used to take a bit of our cocks off for fun, not even Jews, just all of us. So it's probably someone

born pre-85, 80, sort of thing. So yeah, which he fits into. Is that a new thing? Are all kids now not circumcised? Is that an actual thing these days? It's considered cruel to circumcise boys and girls, for that matter. What?

What, to lop a bit of your dick off? Yeah. Okay. God. God, so woke. You can do it yourself. Like getting a tattoo or changing so woke. You can do it yourself. Like getting a tattoo or changing your gender, you can do it yourself once you're 18.

Or whatever, 16 or something like that. But yeah, not when they're babies anymore. Right, right. So your guess is Mooney and you're sticking with Earl? Yes. You're sticking with J. Earl. Okay, nice. All right.

We've got four different guesses. I like this. I like this. A bit of vested interest but are you even going to fucking remember these guesses next week

when I ask you the guesses for last week you're like um like you've got heaps of other game shows going on in your

podcast can you imagine the crew at the Masked Singer if they're like fuck we can't remember which cunt the dragon

flies we haven't we haven't seen him without the mask off for a while who is it again Gary fucking chuck on the puppet costume We haven't seen him without the mask off for a while Who is it again? Oi, oi, oi, Gary Fucking chuck on the puppet costume

Alright, well, we'd better wrap it up For another week on the Little Dum Dum Club And the Masked Pegger Luke Heggie, Tommy Little Thank you very much for joining us Thanks boys, a lot of fun Heggie, you've got a podcast with Friend of the show Nick. It's called Midflight

Brawl. It's about biffos on airlines. Check that out. It's a cute little podcast where you and Heggie, where Luke Heggie and Nick Cody talk about bogans and hang shit on bogans like they're not bogans, which is kind of fun and amusing.

Well, you've clearly not fucking listened to it, but some people do and should. Can I just say, it's not just about rules. You learn about whole airlines that didn't exist. I listened to the Kingfisher Air podcast the other day, and it was fucking great. It was a whole world that I didn't know existed. King of good times.

There's quite a lot of pointy end issues and famous people as well. So that'll impress Melbourne types. They love that. Are you doing an in memoriam for Tiger this week? Nah, fuck Tiger. Nah, that's fine. We did a virgin one when they looked like they were going down the tube. But Tiger was never really a thing, was it?

I don't know anyone who ever got on one. So, of course, Tiger went down. There's no one fucking catching him. Oh, la-dee-da. Oh, you did catch Tiger. I would have caught a Tiger fight somewhere, yeah. Tommy was a big Tiger fan. Because I remember getting something that was called, like, a raw deal or something,

which I realised they were trying to talk up, like, R-O-A-R. And it was just fucking raw. It was just a fucking raw deal. If you write it down, it sounds alright, but if you just say it, it sounds... Yeah. 49 bucks to get to Sydney and all I have to do is wake up at 3.15am? They're the only flights that take longer than the drive.

Yeah. Yeah. And little... What have you got to... You've got stuff to speak. You've got radio on every day. Tune your wireless in, folks. Check that out.

Listen, if you want to, carry on, Tommy. Carrie Bickmore, who I talked about a couple of months ago on the show. I've worked for the project for about 10 years. Never said hello to me. But, yeah, shout out to Carrie. Have you gone and said, she's one of the nicest people in showbiz. Have you gone and said hi to her? Hey, I'm below the ladder.

I will tell her. I would dare not. I would tell her. I would dare not. I would tell her next time I see her. No, don't. I will take a photo of you and I will say, if this bloke comes near you, fucking call security. He is the lowest of the low. I'm more comfortable with that, actually. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time

See you next And They've done it again You've done it again by that summation Tommy I have to say You have done it again Because that was a great call that you made Oh thank you

You always make a different weird call At the end of the episode And once again you're spot on In fact you've done it again Oh, thank you. Thank you. You always make a different weird call at the end of the episode. And once again, you're spot on. In fact, you've done it again. Yep, I've done it. I've come up with another brand new one right off the dome. I've done it again.

Yeah, yeah. I know. It's weird that they've lined up, those two that have lined up this week, that me doing it again also aligns with the catchphrase that I came up with. And I would say to sum up what you've just done as well, I can just see in my head like this little metaphor, this little visual metaphor. You and Bernie next to each other, side by side, both with a Sharon in your hand and just absolutely roosting it at equal velocity. That's what I see right now.

Yep. That's how that sums it up. Oh, wow. So Bernie's kicked a big one, and then next to him, little Tommy Dasolo's kicked a big one as well. Yep. Wow, what a debut. Yeah.

From the naked eye, you've basically both put it on the same postage stamp from about 60 out, I reckon, just absolutely roosting it. Who would have thought? Who would have thought to look at me that I was capable of such a feat of sporting prowess? Here we are, kicked an absolute big one. Yeah, well done, Tommy. Yes, hey, part two of the Massapega, exciting stuff.

What a soap opera. What a rare moment for us in 520 episodes or something of actually an idea that gets to go beyond one episode that we've bothered following up on. So good on us. And if you want to get on the socials, and plenty of people speculating about the clues about who it could be, all that sort of stuff, so get involved. We're on Facebook. We're on Twitter, we're on Instagram. We have our own private little listener groups on Facebook as well if you want to get onto that. People Aware of the Little Dunlop Club is the big one.

So get into that. Chat amongst all the other great unwashed. I'm not just talking about Nick Capper. But what else have we got to clear up on that one, Tommy? I think that's pretty much it on that one. Yes. I think so. Pretty self-explanatory.

It's all there. It's all there. We've got some bits of merch still on sale, littledumbdumbclub.com. You can go and get hats and stubby holders back in the web store. And we've also got various T-shirt designs and what have you. We've also got the Patreon. You can get two bonus episodes per week at the moment

if you subscribe for just $10 a month. You're jumping forward, Tommy. What we should say first is probably we've got Dumio, which is our own little video message system. If you want to line up a little message from both of us, a video message for a loved one, for another listener that you know, a fun little thing. We give them a little roast, all that sort of shit.

So you get on our website and you can check that out. We've done a bunch of them already, people into that already. Even if it's just, as it should be used, our friends paying us to say, oh, I want to suck your dick, Kappa, or whatever it is. Happy to do them as well. Also, we missed this out last week, Tommy. So sorry to everyone for this regular segment that we've started having Of course, we got our own post office box It is P.O. Box 6063 Hawthorne West 3121 in Victoria

And so you guys out there have sent us all sorts of bullshit So thank you very much for continuing to provide content for this show and give me a reason to walk up the street and check the mail. So let's hit the theme song to the CBS Mailbag, Tommy. Here we go. Watch it. And they've done it again. Still haven't been sued.

Still haven't been sued. Remarkably incredible. Very surprising. I'm sure... We live to fight another day. Now, Tommy, what have we got in the mailbag this week? What about this? This was quite a good little parcel we got last week.

This is from Jay Evans in Lumia in New South Wales. Now, he has sent us two presents in one parcel. For some reason, he has sent us a vinyl copy of Ostentatious' album, which is nice. That's actually sick. That's actually really fucking good. Wow, what a find. Sorry, not only.

It's signed by him as well. It's signed by Ostentatious. Whoa. That's good. So he's just, that's, yeah, wow. I guess guess is that like a lucky find at an op shop or something? I would say so. I would absolutely say so. Yeah.

Where else could you possibly buy ostentatious records apart from an op shop? There's no way you'd buy it anywhere else. Yeah. I mean, he might be flogging them after shows perhaps. Well, not at the moment, I wouldn't have thought. And I also don't think he's getting around the country flogging off vinyl copies of an album made in 1987

or wherever the fuck it's been made. I mean, this is not even the one with the song on it, the famous song on it. This is just something else. Oh, wow. Okay. This has sort of been made like the design on it, the famous song on it. This is just something else. Oh, wow. Okay. This has sort of been made like the design on it is all like new wave, like he's in Shudo Echo or Duran Duran or something.

Right, right. There is one track on the album called Fuck This, so that's pretty cool. Okay. It's not bad. You don't have a vinyl player, do you bad you don't have a vinyl player do you you don't have a record player no

you can I'll pass it on to you at some stage if you want yeah yeah I got a record player I might have to yeah I genuinely maybe I'll

maybe when I can get that off you I'll I'll do a listening party on the on the socials or something where I'll just like go live on Instagram and I can just

I've got a nice little I've got a nice little armchair next to my record player I can just sit there and you know people can tune Instagram and I can just, I've got a nice little, I've got a nice little armchair next to my record player. I can just sit there and, you know, people can tune in and we can just, we can just listen to some shit comedy. Yeah. Now we, I mean, I assume he sent that in because we talked about that at the time years ago when he, he went after me on Twitter and I went back at him and he blocked me and then

I just kept going and whatever. We talked about that at the time. I assume that that's what that's there for. I think we did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. he blocked me and then i just kept going and whatever we talked about that at the time i assume that that's what that's there for i think we did yeah yeah yeah he just out of the blue like i think i promoted something on social media just went hey listen to a new episode of dum-dum and and he was he said something like oh it'd be good if it was fucking funny for once or something and it's like man i'm positive you've never listened to this so where's this coming from you're fucking idiot no wonder everyone hates you.

Which, yeah, yeah, I'm sure we talked about it at the time, but he's a massive con artist where he goes from gig to gig and tells everyone he's going to sell it out and the pub owners believe him and then no one comes and he just takes the money that he's managed to finagle out of the pub owners and burns comedy forever in that pub owners. And Burns Comedy forever in that pub. So no one can do anything in that pub for the next three years until someone sells it and a new owner comes in.

And then he comes back. The Big Earth Salter is what he's known as in the industry. Well, he's not, but I mean, he should be. That's a good nickname for him. Loves to get in there, get the old sacks out, get the big old canister of it, just empty it all over the earth. That's it. That's a good nickname for him. Loves to get in there, get the old sax out, get the big old canister of it, just empty it all over the earth. That's it. That's it.

But look, even better present than that in the same parcel was this, Tommy. By the way, when I say it came in a parcel, it didn't come in one of those parcels with bubble wrap or anything, so anything was protected. They've obviously put Ostentatious' album in a bag and gone if it breaks who gives a fuck like i don't want to pay an extra cent for this to be protected um it's just in a fucking envelope i'm surprised you just fold it up and put in a dl but um yeah it luckily or unluckily it got to me unscathed. So that's something. But in the same parcel, someone, not someone, I should say Jay Evans,

in the same parcel sent this. Now, it's a Liverpool jersey. You can see there, Tommy. And your trained keen eye can see that that is obviously not the current one. That's from a few years ago. I think that's four years ago, four or five years ago now, the design. Now, it's also like a bit of a cheap copy. That is not the real deal.

Quite often, especially, you know, like in Thailand, you can get a bit of a pirate. So that's a pirate. So I picked that up and gone, oh, it's disappointing. It's not the real deal. But then I've realized, well, A, this person's obviously probably got it out of the same op shop as the Ostentatious album. But then check this out, what Jay Evans has done on the back of it and not wasted a real deal shirt. Check this out.

On the back, he's personalized it. So the number is 69 and the name above the number is Poo Jogger. So that's pretty cool. That's very good. That is pretty good. Yeah, yeah. So he's done all that by hand. I can see like a bit of glue underneath the number.

So he's kind of – what's the material? Is it – It's like he's done a lot of it with like liquid paper or paint or something, but he's literally painted over a number that was on the back of the jersey. And I don't know whether he's just – Ah, right. I don't know whether he's text or in liquid paper. No, there's some sort of sticky stuff on there.

So it's the sort of thing where it looks great, but if I actually go for a run in that and put it in the wash, that's dead. That's absolutely dead, I reckon. You're right. That's a one-off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a disposable training top. So if I do – You should get it framed yes that's you know what fuck i'm saving that for the tie bar that's that's up

on the wall oh yeah memorabilia yes yeah all right all right that's great and we got to take the well and we've also got to take the um ostentat record, and that's the only thing that we play. Okay. So we're bringing a turntable over to go to the movie with us. You know what? No music in the bar except for Saturday night. When it's Saturday night and we play ostentatious just for the party people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you know about this thing? It's pretty common in Japan, the bars that are just like – I mean, there's a lot of very, very small bars, but then there's also a lot that are just like a big wall of records and there'll just be one dude that works behind the bar. You can sit there and chat and talk about music with these guys and they'll put records on. That's a very common theme of bar over there.

I love the idea of doing that, but you've got this huge wall of records and all of them are this ostentatious album so it's like someone comes in and that's playing and they're like oh man can you chuck something else on you're like yeah no worries and you reach behind you you pull out a sleeve and it's just identical it's the exact same one i've just been listening to you like yeah cool that's that's great if you had like a thousand records by ostentatious and australiana is on none of them. It's like, no, I don't like the big commercial hits.

I'm not into that. I'm more into the deep cuts of Ostentatious. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the B-sides, the rarities. Look, because we get so much mail and sometimes I chuck the envelopes out because my wife goes crazy because there's so much fucking shit hanging around um i don't know whether this was in the same parcel i suspect it was if not big sorry to whoever sent this in because i remember this was part of another parcel but also stubby holder here someone's made us a stubby holder some sort of one-off special but it's been printed but what it is is like a cartoon uh of caricature, sort of icon of us,

and it says the small dumb cunt gang with Timmy and Carl, spelt with a C, and then it's a picture of us eating McDonald's and then with a speech balloon coming out of your mouth saying, I am not a revenge porn. So that's something nice. Okay. That's a reference from the show.

Can you hold that up? I just don't remember what the reference was I don't know Yeah, I don't know what that is Jesus Christ That is a That is a fucking Okay, they've kind of done this with

They've sort of done this on Microsoft Paint it looks like Maybe Yeah I don't mind it Okay, I like it I actually really like this Yeah You can have it if you like.

I can't for the life of me remember what I am not a revenge porn comes from. I do remember talking about it for some reason, but it's, yeah, I don't remember the exact reference. Anyway, move on. Thank you to, thank you to Philip. We've talked about him before, but Philip from Queen, from Brisbane. He sent, he keeps sending in stuff and look, Philip, it's appreciated about him before, but Philip from Brisbane, he keeps sending in stuff. And look, Philip, it's appreciated the effort,

but you keep just sending in absolute dog shit. He just sends in fucking – he's sending in a letter with some origami and telling me how to fold it up. I'm not fucking doing that, Phil. So thank you. Thank you. Doesn't relate to anything from the show. Is it just like he's driving to the post office

and seeing what's open between his house and the post office? No, I think it's what's in the car as he's driving to the post office. Just pulls that out of the car. So what he's actually doing is, so there's that origami, but I've got a heap of bullshit off him as well. He's ordering stuff from the $2 shop in China, and I'm getting parcels from China every day. And I open up and I go, what the fuck is this shit, Phil?

Stop sending me this fucking shit. And then within two seconds my child is playing with it. So to be fair, it is actually working but I'm not enjoying it. I'm not enjoying it. But it is full of, I assume, COVID goodness. So my child won't live too long but thanks, uh, full of, I assume COVID goodness. So my child is, uh, won't, won't live too long, but thanks Phil for that. Um, but on the point of like just having absolute random stuff set in guys, when you're down at the post office, getting this stuff packaged up to send to us, feel free to just chuck

in some stuff that they have at the random. Cause the post office is like, they've just got the most random assortment of shit in there. So feel free to just grab something off the shelf when you're putting your actual gift into the package. You know, I'd love to start getting some dash cams and Buzz Lightyear action figures in the post as well. Like, why not? Just throw a few extra things in. A little bit of Fremantle Dockers bobblehead dolls or something like that.

Chuck that in. Yep. George Foreman grill, foam roller. Yeah. Ah, chuck that in. Yep. Yep. George Foreman grill, foam roller.

Yeah. Tommy, last little bit of CBS mailbag this week is there's a letter to you. I don't open the ones that are addressed to you. Do you want me to open it on air or would you rather it be safe for you? It seems like there's – it doesn't seem too personal. It seems like there's just bullshit in there, to be honest. It's not a letter. It's – I don't know. Yeah, okay. Open it up. Well, now that you're squeezing it and breaking just bullshit in there, to be honest. It's not a letter. It's, um, I don't know.

Yeah, okay, open it up. Well, now that you're squeezing it and breaking whatever's in there, you may as well open it on air as well. Thank you, thank you. Yeah, it's, unless it's some sort of love letter with, and they've jerked off into the envelope, because it seems like there's some sort of gimmicky bullshit in there. In which case, it would be great if you opened it and just got this person's cum all over you.

Oh, wow. Okay. Right. Oh, hang on a minute. What the fuck is going on with this? What is... It's just an odd assortment of things. It's actually a birthday present for you.

It's just a little bit late. Oh, okay. It just says, Tommy, eat fresh, birthday boy. And it's got a picture of Jared from Subway. Oh, great. Yeah. My first boyfriend. Yes.

And it is a McDonald's shaker fries bag without the sachet. Oh, yes. Oh, no, hang on. It's got the sachet. I was going to say, fuck, that would be the best present. Oh, okay. Yeah. And some Nando's sauce and a condom.

Okay. Yeah. Okay, right. The perfect birthday root ingredients. That's a good, yeah. So I'm going to two separate chains and getting chips from them. And then I'm having a big old fuck afterwards. Really nice.

Well, thank you, Mystery Donor. Yeah. The ultimate present. It does say the name, but I can't read it. So I don't know who it is. So sorry you don't get a proper shout out, but I don't know who the fuck you are Because you can't write your name properly They're listening right now

And they're wrapped They're thinking Excellent This went perfectly to point Yeah Yeah Well It went as well as it could

Considering they spent Approximately nothing on that present They've just flogged stuff out of Like They've gone to a McDonald's They've gone to a Nando's Just taken stuff for free And then they've flogged a danger Out of a 7-eleven next door so um it is it is funny that like you know

this idea of getting the mailbox i'm like oh this will pay for itself and so far we have just i reckon we've had about you know 50 or 60 bits of mail with a combined total worth about probably $17. I reckon the mail, the postage has been the most expensive thing so far. There's been more money spent on stamps. And even from a content point of view, it's hard to tell if one person looking into a webcam and going, oh, yeah, it's a stubby holder that's got a head drawn on it. It's hard to tell if this is entertaining for people or not. No, look, that's all right.

That's all right. Look, that was a bit of a – I don't like to open mail on air because then it can be disappointing. But, you know, I had your name on it, Tommy, so, you know, for privacy laws, I wanted to make sure. But time to close up the CBS mailbag, Tommy. Yep. Great stuff.

So, shall we drive straight into, of course, our other segment, Tommy? Let's do it. We're on patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Thank you to everyone who subscribes to us, who gets bonus episodes twice a week um these days and of course you get your name your name goes into the hat to be drawn out and immortalized every week on this show which is what we're about to do right now we've got the unplanned title alternator all the names get fed into that and they get selected randomly absolutely randomly every single week. No one knows.

You know, you could have been subscribing for one second. You could have been subscribing for 10,000 years. It doesn't matter. This is completely random. So there's no rules. There's no rhyme. There's no reason. It's not like the World Cup draw where some of the balls are heated or refrigerated.

So, you know, I do a bit of Michel Aplatinier and I put my hand into the balls and I pull out fucking France and Lichtenstein and absolutely wrought the system. This is absolutely above the board. So – Our method is more like that octopus that they have to try and predict the results. The unplanned tidal alternator is kind of like a more sophisticated version of a little squid wandering around, randomly grabbing it. Yeah, and I refrigerate my balls to make the octopus grab me on the testicles because they think it's food underwater.

I convince the octopus that this is a FIFA World Cup draw. because it's like they think it's food underwater. Right. I convinced the octopus that this is a FIFA World Cup draw. And the octopus is like, what? I thought there was a World Cup every four years. There seems to be one twice a day at the moment. And I'm like, just keep grabbing balls, all right? Just keep this going. But you're telling the octopus that it's like dog years. The time kind functions differently for an octopus you're like yeah it has been it's been four years it's been four human years which is half a day in octopus years so shut

up and get grabbing yep yep all of that um like i said thank you to everyone who subscribes in the past and in the future. We've got some, a bunch of names. We don't have a heap of time this week as always, Tommy. We don't have infinite time is what I'm trying to say. We don't have infinite time. Otherwise we wouldn't be able to do more than one episode.

Really? It'd just be one huge one. We have to split them up. So, sorry if we finish at some stage, but that's just how time works. That's how... We can't put out next week's episode if we just keep this bit going forever.

Okay? So, unless that's what you want, let us know. Let us know. Yeah. We've got to wrap it up at some point because as Gavin Disney once said, that's show business.

What was the context of that again, Tommy? Spraying, I believe it was spraying shaving cream onto the genitals of a young intern who was working for him. Right. Allegedly, I believe. That's, yeah, allegedly. That's a guy that worked at Hey Hey Saturday, wasn't it, Gavin Disney? Yes.

But I believe he did all of that when he was working on Ballarat TV, which is like, I love it, that's showbiz. No, it's not. It's Ballarat Community TV. It's going out to 30,000 people. The idea that that's the revelation that the young boy had at a certain point in his life hang on a minute

this wasn't showbiz at all this was Ballarat him going to Melbourne and like working for Channel 9 and him going him looking around going hey guys

when does the showbiz start and just pulls his pants down no no no no that's that wasn't showbiz very good very very good. We're having fun.

And you know what? We're under lockdown. We're allowed to make our own fun. Who gives a fuck what anyone else does? All right. Let's crack in, Tommy. First cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Stu Harvey.

Stu Harvey. Now, do you know who this is? The name rings a bell. I believe that this is a Triple J presenter who hosts the punk music show on Triple J. Oh, really? Yeah. I believe that's this guy because I know that he follows me slash us on Twitter. Let me look this fellow up.

You know what? I've looked him up and his email address has like a record sort of allusion to it. It does look musical. Okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah. He's got a Wikipedia page, I can tell you that much. Oh, okay. Well...

In 2004, he launched the punk and hardcore program on Triple J, Short, Fast, Fast, Loud. Yeah. There you go. He's a Triple J presenter. If we ever decide to move this show from being a podcast into a punk band, it's nice to know that we'd be able to get a bit

of an easy leg up from an ex-listener. Oh, wow. Okay, no, I'm looking him up because, I mean, this is easier than just guessing who this guy is. Oh, okay. He's been doing it for ages. He launched. Yeah, I just said he started it in 2004. Yeah, right. Short, Fast, okay. He's been doing it for ages. He launched... Yeah, I just said he started it in 2004.

Yeah, right. Short, Fast, Loud. Okay, right. And he's from... He got his start on Melton Radio, which is absolutely brutal because Melton... When I think of shitholes, I think of Melton, to be completely honest. Not a great joint. Absolutely not a great joint.

So to come out of Melton, what a fucking survivor. Good for him. But that's – Yeah, look at him now. Punk hardcore. I love that he's that into punk hardcore. And I've looked him up on Patreon. We're the only thing he supports on Patreon.

So he's into – we're the punk hardcore podcast out there. That's us. Well, we're two punks and it does get pretty hardcore on the show. So I can see how this aligns pretty deeply with his interest. Which punk or hardcore band would we be most like? What are we? Oh, fuck. That's a good question.

I like the odd punk band, but I'm not like a, yeah, I'm not. I like the odd bit of punk, but yeah, I couldn't. Hardcore, not really for me. The odd bit of punk stuff, I'm kind of into, but yeah, I couldn't really name any off the top of my head. Name a bit of punk that you like. Name, but... Name a bit of punk that you like. Name some punk. Name any form of punk that you like. Well, you know what I have been listening to recently? I've never properly listened to the Ramones,

and I chucked a bit of the Ramones on the other day because they featured quite heavily in a book that I just read by the drummer from Talking Heads. They toured pretty extensively with the Ramones in the early days. And just reading a lot of Ramones stories made me go, yeah, you know what? You know, Ramones are one of those bands that are just kind of background noise.

Like I've never properly sat down and listened to any of their output. So chucked them on while I was having a run. And boy, it was a pretty aggro run that day. But it felt fucking great. Some good tunes. Any drumming? Any drumming involved? Bit of drumming.

Bit of drumming. Yeah. Bit of drumming. Good to run to. Good music to run to. What do you think about that hot take, Stu Harvey? What do you think? Stu, message us on Patreon and let us know what you think of the Ramones.

Look, no, that's our suggestion to you. Have you ever gotten into the Ramones? That's our gift to you. Have you ever heard of those guys? Are you one of those guys that just wears a Ramones shirt and doesn't know who they are? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be you.

I was doing some reading about the Ramones the other day. Do you know what I learned the other day about them, Tommy? I'm working on a music show at the moment. They got their name, the Ramones, because Paul McCartney used to check into hotels under the name Paul Ramon. So they called themselves that. They were the very first punk band in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and they had four types of Trillobites named after them,

which were like little extinct insects or some bullshit. Yeah, there you go. That's pretty cool. There you go. That's pretty cool. Great quote from D.D. Ramone was their first album had a song called Now I Want to Sniff Some Glue. And a great, great quote when they asked about that song and he said, oh, I hope no one thinks we really sniff glue.

I stopped doing that when I was eight. Pretty good. There's a great story in the talking heads book where they're so they go to they tour europe together and they're going through these like beautiful places and i think it's johnny ramone in particular is just like every place that they're driving through he's just like god this is so grim he hates all of it just like pretty much everywhere they go like the ramones have no interest in like exploring the scenery or whatever they're just down on everything they're just like you know and the talking heads are all like a lot you know half the people in the band

have never been overseas before and they're all like quite young so they're like very excited that their band is taking off and touring and the ramones are like such bummers and so they reach the point of the tour where they're about to play in paris and they're driving into paris and like you know they're all the all the talking heads guys are just having their minds blown looking around going like oh wow we're in paris everything's so beautiful this is amazing and the ramones are like and they drive past the mcdonald's and the ramones just light up and go yes they've got mcdonald's here and then they get to the hotel and they all check in and the talking heads are like, great, let's go sightsee.

Let's check out the Eiffel Tower. You know, all that kind of stuff. The Ramones literally just like go to McDonald's, get dinner there and then like go back to the hotel and then just drink in the hotel. And then the next day they're like, best day of the tour by far. Far and away best day of the tour. I read two other stories that were basically exactly the same as that story except different nouns, which were they're like, best day of the tour by far. Far and away best day of the tour. I read two other stories that were basically exactly the same as that story except different nouns, which were they're on tour and they went to Stonehenge

and they go, they're big fucking chunks of rock. Who gives a fuck? And didn't get out of the bus to have a look at them. Then they're on tour somewhere where it was like Christmas Day so they're like feeling sorry for these poor idiot New Yorkers that they're not with their families or whatever so they got invited to this big Christmas meal and they dished them up the whole roast pork or roast turkey whatever it is all the vegetables and they just looked at it and went have you got

normal food and they're like what do you mean normal food and they're like pizza so they wouldn't eat any roast vegetables or turkey or anything and they had to drive around on Christmas day looking for a pizza shop that was open. It's so good. It's all these stories. And by the way, I would really recommend that book. It's called Remain in Love. It's really great. But all the stories are kind of meant to make you go,

well, these guys are fuckheads. But I came away from it going, God, the Ramones are fucking awesome. These guys rock. I was going to say nearly the opposite where it's like, to me it was framed as like, wow, this is so rock and roll. I'm like, no, this is distilled autism. This is ridiculous. Don't celebrate this behaviour.

Yeah, but from a time where the diagnosis is like nowhere near what it is today, like recognising the signs of it just isn't there in the 70s. So it's like, wow, aren't these guys kooky? They're just obsessed with this one shit food and it's all they can think about. Yeah, and they wear the same clothes all the time. That's rock and roll. No, no, no, that's mental illness.

Anyway, here's our new song, Train Time Table. Get along, guys. One, two, three, four. And they just keep, that's why they keep counting to every single. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, thanks, Stu. Thanks. Get us on Short, Fast, Loud and we can share these stories

about this underground punk band with your listeners. Yeah, yeah. We can riff on every hardcore band about why we think they're mental, if you like. If you can get us on Triple J, that'd go down well. Thanks, Stu. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber David Thompson. Oh, okay.

Let's put this guy into Google and see what kind of music program he knows. Now, if this helps at all, I think this is the sort of name that I look at and go, well, we've had that on before. It's just such an indistinguishable name. I reckon we've had that on before. Apparently, we haven't. If we've got anything to riff on here, Tommy, I'm trying to give us something to

to grab hold of it's thompson without a p it's t-h-o-m-s-o-n so it's not your garden variety thompson it's someone who at some stage has has just gotten sick of people going, are you, you know, is your name David Thompson? It's like, oh, I hate the per. Sick of that. Sick of the spit coming out. How do you feel about that? Because I kind of feel like if you've got the, you know, if you've got the Thompson out there,

there's really no need for the P-less version to exist. Yeah. Don't you think? Yeah. No one's... It's strange. There's no hard P's there. No one's pumping the P when they're saying Thompson.

Just live with it. No, but I'm saying the opposite. I'm saying you're not pumping the P, but it is... I think it's better to look at. I think this guy's name shouldn't exist. I think the Thompson is the real it does it's the true strong it gives some vibes of of someone not knowing how to spell their own name

that's what it does to me i just i just think yeah i mean you're looking at it now it looks like there's something missing i've got this i've just put that name into google to see if there's anyone famous with that name and it's just it looks wrong if i if i wanted to give off the impression that i was a dumb fuck and i couldn't spell my own name i would get rid of um the l out of chandler and just go by carl chander and people the whole time would be like no i think you've got that wrong actually i think uh did you want to have another crack at that? And I'd just be like, no, gender. Or I guess, I guess the equivalent would be,

I guess the equivalent would be getting, yeah, getting rid of the D right. Chan, Chandler, Chandler, Chandler, Chandler.

Yeah. Cause you could, they sort of Thompson, Thompson. I agree. I agree. Chandler, Chandler,

Chandler. Yeah. That's, that's, um. Yeah. That is actually funny, the idea of having a name and then being a bit of a bogan and certainly talking that way and going, you know what? I'm sick of this being on my official record. I don't want to change my speech pattern. I don't want to change my pronunciation.

I don't want to learn the queen's english instead of that i'll just fix my name to set to make it sound like i'm pronouncing it properly just get rid of the d so i'm saying yeah mine's chandler it's chandler look at my driver's license yeah yeah okay yeah making yeah i'm going to fix the world to fit my shortcomings. Yeah. And then trying to convince other people. This guy should chuck a P in there. This guy should chuck the P.

Just like, just change it. Just add the letter. Yeah. Just fix it up for your children. If, if anything, you know.

Yeah. Well, you want, you want things to be better for the next generation. Well, why send a kid to school and just have them being harangued from age four of like, no, no, no, you're a kid. You don't know how to spell your own name. You can't quite spell your own name properly.

And then have your dad come on parent-teacher night and go, no, that's actually how you spell it. That's a great impression of this guy's dad. There's not enough people with the actual dumb guy voice these days. Yeah. You know what needs to come back? Just saying duh at the end of things. There's not enough of that. There's not enough of that.

There's not enough of that these days. It might be due a comeback. Yeah. Well, thanks, David. Thanks, David. And look, work it out. Work it out. Work out how to fucking spell your name.

Yeah. Change it. Chuck the letter in. Bit of homework for you, David. Chuck, as as your as your mum probably said taught you when you were about

two years old have a have a have a pee is that something something like that yep yep

whack a pee in there yeah as your yeah yeah whack yeah whack a pee in there smarten up thanks David thank you very much

to Patreon subscriber Jonah Averill. J-O-N-A-H, Gap, A-V-E-R-I-L-L. Thank you for pointing out the Gap. Yeah, I like the name Jonah. What do you think? Yeah, I like the name Jonah. What do you think? Look, I did until your hero made a TV show with a character with that name.

Who's that? Chris Lilley, your comedic hero. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do. Yeah, I love him yeah i think he's been hard done by and uh i don't know like you know the film have you ever seen the film white chicks no but go on um i totally didn't even i was because I was about to say

it's a Jonah's like a very it's like a very classic Jewish name isn't it is it I never really understood

that well no yeah I mean yeah I don't know let me have a look it's certainly a thing where

I reckon this guy's copped you know he's had a pretty good time of it until that show popped up before that all people could get him on was like oh my name is Jonah by Weezer I reckon this guy's copped, you know, he's had a pretty good time of it until that show popped up. Before that, all people could get him on was like, oh, My Name Is Jonah by Weezer.

That's about it. And you can't really get burnt by that. That's quite a good thing. That's quite a good song in my humble opinion. But now with that little sitcom or whatever it was that popped up, now he's getting all sorts of different shit hung on him, I would have thought. Okay, so it's a masculine given name derived from the Hebrew Yonah,

meaning dove or pigeon. It's the name of the Abrahamic prophet Jonah. You know when back in the day when they invented all these names, it's a bit of a shame. Like I understand why there's new names being invented now because you know back back then they were they're saying oh here's a new name and here's this is its meaning but when they were inventing all these meanings there just wasn't enough stuff around to to like you know think about because like jonah means fucking pigeon why do you need a name that's that derives from you know a pigeon there's just

limited things like peter i think peter means rock it's like that's that's what you were dealing with back then thousands of years ago just people going what does this name mean bird rock i don't know what else is there it's that or it's like very vague character traits like, you know, strong of heart, courageous. You know, yeah, it's the handful of animals that people could see or like the five character traits that people could identify in someone. Yeah, whereas these days if you started doing – like if people have new names, you know when people make all their, you know, like the clichéd sort of like jayden or whatever it is like modern names they just make

names up but they don't get to give them meanings like they did back in the day there's no there's no jonah meaning pigeon or peter meaning rock or whatever but that's what they should do because there's heaps more stuff to name things after or allude to or whatever or back in the day it's all positive character traits there's no like you know gary means bit of a cunt you know these days i reckon you could get away yeah or like or like slang because it's that's kind of what that's kind of what the olden names are like yeah they're slang words for things so like going uh yeah this is my son pisshead which um you know typically back in the day used to mean someone who's very fond of uh having a beverage and so we we wanted our son to be the kind of guy that

people would invite to a party and have uh you know have fun with have a good time someone that people could depend on to bring joy and so that's why we named him Piss after the character trait of enjoying being inebriated. Instead of naming him after where he was created, we named him after the state that I was in when things were consummated. I mean, yeah, that's really gone out of favour, naming the child after where they were conceived. I mean, yeah, that's really gone out of favour, naming the child after where they were conceived. Yeah, that was a hot little thing there for a little while, wasn't it?

But probably not right now because everyone's just being conceived. COVID. This is my son, Homer. There's going to be so many kids called Bedroom in about nine months' time. Yeah. Is that where the name Homer comes from? There's going to be so many kids called bedroom in about nine months' time. Is that where the name Homer comes from? Nothing to really report here, just trying to have a kid and took it to the bedroom and just in the house, in the home. Yeah, these are my triplets, Bunk, Missionary and raw dog.

Thanks, Jonah. Thanks, Jonah. Thanks, Jonah from Patreon. And whatever is going on with Avril as well, by the way. Jonah Avril, Avril Devine. What was her name? Avril Devine? Levine. Levine. Devine. What was her name? Avril Devine? Levine.

Levine. Levine. Jonah Avril Levine. Whatever happened to her? Yeah, she was with the guy from Nickelback at one point. That's it. I wonder if they're still together. They're not. I remember they're not.

Let's have a look here. I remember they're absolutely not. Oh, okay. No remember they're not. Let's have a look here. I remember they're absolutely not. Oh, okay. No, no. She was... What a shame. Yeah. Yeah.

It's tough. That happens in life sometimes. Sorry, Tommy. My favourite couple. Yeah. She was... Yeah. What was going on with her?

It was a bit of a convoluted thing, wasn't it? She wasn't really a skater girl, was she? That was a bit of a convoluted thing, wasn't it? She wasn't really a skater girl, was she? That was a bit of a lie, I think. I think that was a manufactured... Manufactured, like, pop punk? Yeah. I think that was the real deal. I don't know.

I'd assume so. Yeah. Thanks, Jonah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Morgan Staniforth. God. What the hell Morgan Staniforth. What the hell? Staniforth. Staniforth. Wow.

This sounds like someone trying to say their name with a mouthful of spaghetti. This is like they've transcribed it to someone else. I was going to say it sounds like someone's making up a name on the go. Morgan Staniforth. Like, all of a sudden they've gone, you know what, Staniford is a name of someone else. So what else is there?

Staniforth. So this is, that might be what's going on here. They've signed up to Patreon and then at the last second they've gone fuck i don't want my real name read out on this fucking show let's uh and as they type as they're typing it in they're just they're just not realizing it on the keyboard there's a backspace button and they're just typing away and going oh fuck i've gone this far i just have to put some random letters at the end and then they'll never catch me. Yeah, I'll just slam my head into the keyboard

and just see what comes out. I've got to lie to these guys about what my name is. I got very distracted there because my girlfriend walked into the room wearing, for the first time, a gift that I got her, which is a T-shirt that says the man and the arrow is pointing up at her head. And then it says, The Legend, with an arrow pointing down at her pussy. And she just walked past the computer modeling it for me for the first time.

And I've got to tell you, you get a joke gift for someone, and just to have it pan out exactly how you pictured it in your head is just really something it's really something it's a little bit distracting now that i can't see that microphone now that it's obscured by your absolute raging red rocket tommy as well so it's um it has worked out for you by the look of it you are very happy with what's happened here does she know very turned on by my own show does she know about the little saga that's happening on the show at the moment? Is she aware of the – she is?

What does she think about it? She thinks it's funny. Right. That's it? Yeah. Okay. All right. Okay.

I feel like there must be more than that. She must be – if she was the one pushing this idea to start with, she should be excited. She should be happy about it. Yeah. No, she's had a look at it. She's inspected the instrument. Okay.

And, yeah. That's it? That's it. Very guarded response from Tommy Daslow. Okay. All right. Fair enough. Morgan St response from Tommy Dassel. Okay. All right. Fair enough. Morgan Staniforth.

Okay. See if we get more fertile ground here than questioning Tommy about his girlfriend. Staniforth. Morgan. Yeah. Don't know about the name Morgan. Don't love it. No.

I've probably said that before. I'm sure we've had Morgans over the years. I don't think we the name Morgan. Don't love it. No. I've probably said that before. I'm sure we've had Morgans over the years. I don't think we have. Not for me. It's, I mean, look, it's a bit close to Moron, which, you know, in grade four, that would be my go-to. I don't think it's a perfect fit. But in grade four, I think that's the best I could come up with yeah but you know

sometimes sometimes that's all you need I reckon that you clock it at an early age that would be me in grade 4 if I didn't like this guy called Morgan Staniforth I'd look at Staniforth and go I don't know what to make of that

I don't know what I've got there but'd i reckon my grade four comedic mind would be moron and i'd be pushing that hard to people i know in grade four and going you know moron and they'd be like nah not quite you just it just doesn't click and i'd be thinking no i can make this work and absolutely not making it work at all. And just making myself look silly. Trying to make a cut out of Morgan Stennerforth and it absolutely backfiring, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, you don't really need to do much other work when you've got an absolute dog's breakfast of a surname like that. Oh, look, but I'm saying, you know, in grade four, it's a pretty tough one to say to people who were just, you know, to a bunch of other fucking eight-year-old kids. Check out, stand a fourth, seems a bit not quite right. And, you know, eight-year-olds going, yeah, you're right. That's not quite right, is it?

You know, it's just not happening when you're eight years old, is it? Yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right. But then, yeah, I mean, you wouldn't need anything more than moron. That's perfect. That says it all. Well, look, I wish you were in my class, Tommy. I wish that you agreed. I just can see myself failing with it, fucking

up bad. And Morgan Centerforce may be going up in people's eyes and me going down. Oh, wow. You try and take him down and then you end up, he ends up getting points off you. Yeah, yeah. No one could ever really land a punch on my name when I was growing up though. Like Chandler and Carl. Like back in those days, there was nothing really to play with. Like Chandler. Yeah.

There was no Chandler from Friends. There was no. Yeah. No one really heard of the name Chandler. So no one could do anything with that. Carl doesn't really rhyme with anything. So no one could hit me with anything there either. I'm sure I've said this on the show before,

but I remember someone really desperately going, Carl, Carl, Taj Mahal, and me going, oh, what a life. If that's the best anyone's ever got, just try and get me. To rhyme Carl with Taj Mahal. Fuck, what a blessed life. Yep. Yeah, I mean, that's good.

That's like your name rhyming with, you know, Buckingham Palace. It's a big, beautiful structure. No, nothing. A miracle of architecture. One of the wonders of the world. Yes, I do rhyme with a very good thing. You're right.

You got me. Guilty. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Morgan. you got me guilty yeah yeah um thanks morgan thanks stanif staniforth yeah um all right let's uh i can hear my my child in the background um and she's crying i'm sure and she wants i think she's wanting another gift from Philip from Brisbane, just some absolute piece of shit with a spring involved

that's being sent straight from China for her to play with for five seconds. So I'd better get out there and look after her. All right, let's do one more then. Okay. Just one more? Just the one more, just Okay. Just one more? Yeah. Just the one more, just to round up to whatever that is this week.

All right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Stanaford Comedy. Stanaford Comedy. Huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, Comedy's a bit of a clunky...

That is. ...surname, isn't it? That is. It's not... Is it supposed to be like Commodore or something? I don't know. Yeah. It's...

Yeah, it's... It's like something that... It is like a name that someone's just made up. Like they've just kind of looked around the room and gone, oh, look, there's a copy of Anchorman next to the TV. Comedy. That's my last name, Comedy. You're right.

It is definitely in full a name that sounds like someone's made up in the last 10 seconds. You're dead right there. Yeah. Yeah, that is a strange one. But anyway, okay. I'll just check. No, that's the – yeah.

To me, it sounds like a name we've had before but i've just done a search and we haven't so okay okay well yeah at least we've got yeah at least we got through that one we've knocked that off to be fair my records now only i've deleted most of them they only go for one week so no according records, we haven't had that before. So, yeah. Okay. Welcome. Welcome aboard. And, you know, share the show with your family, Stanaford, and get some of your kinfolk into it, and hopefully they can subscribe as well.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be nice. Yeah, I wouldn't mind hearing this name again sometime in the future, possibly. Yeah. I'll keep a record. I'll save this one. All right.

Well, thanks, Stanaford, and thanks to everyone who supports the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. You get two bonus episodes a week at the moment, littledumbdumbclub.com for the links to the dummy-o. You can get a personalized video from us. You can also get the merch on that site. We've got back episodes on there.

You can also get the merch on that site. We've got back episodes on there. That's the one-stop shop for all your little Dumb Dumb Club related needs. Get on the socials, all that sort of shit. And thanks for listening. Hey, and like Staniford, pass on to your friends and your family. If you like the show, we don't say this enough. We don't nearly ever say this, but if you like the show, you've got friends,

that you've got the same sense of humour as you, chuck it on to them so you've got something to talk to them about. Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate.