The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 524 - Mel Buttle & Nick Carr

Episode Date: October 14, 2020

It's the reunion episode of The Masked Pegger with NICK CARR and MEL BUTTLE! Mel's welcomed Carr into her house to tell us all about the process of getting a custom sex toy made. We also hear the stories behind the clues including tales of Carr's brushes with music royalty, television work experience and his comedy career intervention.Head here when you're done listening: https://www.ebay.com.au/itm/193707679398?ul_noapp=true to check out the auction mentioned in the episode! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick Carr and Mel Buddle. This is the reunion behind-the-scenes special of The Masked Pegger. So enjoy this. We'll be back to talk to you a bit more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode with Mel Buddle and Nick Carr. Hey mates, welcome once again into the little dum-dum club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickheads. It is a beautiful weekend afternoon.

We have two Queensland correspondents who are able to do whatever the fuck they want, and instead they're choosing to sit indoors and be on the show today. Please welcome very special guests, Nick Carr and Mel Buddle. Yeah! Yeah! Hello. G'day, legends. Very excited.

I mean, A, we have the Masked Pegger has been unveiled last week and we have him in the audience. Well, not in the audience. He's one of the guests. And then the other person, Mel Buttle, is the last. Do I have to just sit here and watch? I'm not allowed to participate? I guess once we finish the episode, it'll be like you'll probably be regarded

as an audience, you know, in comparison to the other talent on the show, I guess once we finish the episode, it'll be like you'll probably be regarded as an audience, you know, in comparison to the other talent on the show, I guess. But Mel Buttle, last time we saw Mel was basically when the world ended. That was the last day we saw. We did a show with Mel in Brisbane and everyone in Brisbane had sort of resigned themselves to the fact that the virus was hitting and this is the last thing that we're ever going to see. And they weren't really that happy to see us. So, yeah, good to see you again in slightly more pleasurable circumstances. Yes, thank you for having me back. And I love that when you wanted to do an episode all about Nick Carr's dick,

you were like, who can we get? Buttle, Buttle. Buttle would love to sit around for an hour and talk about some other bloke's fucking dick. So great. Thank you for... Well, we kept thinking... Oh, some other bloke. I'm just some other bloke.

It was subliminal. I kept thinking of this model of Cars dick going into Tommy's anus. And I kept thinking, Buttle, Buttle. Buttle. Mel, Mel. There we go. That's what we should get. I mean, not only resigning herself to spending an hour sitting here

talking about it but welcoming the man and his instrument into her house as well. So we really, really appreciate this, Mel. Thank you so much for having Nick Carr in your house. He's fine. I offered him a glass of water like a salesman. You're like, do you want a water? Okay. There's one glass. We've got Patreon.

We can pay for all the fumigation fees, all of that sort of stuff. It's absolutely fine. But hey, must be nice up there. We sort of, in Melbourne at the moment, we can't do anything. You can sort of do a lot of stuff. You're off to see a soccer game very soon. You're going to the gym. We can't go to the gym at the moment.

How's the gym going up there? Look, my wife... Sorry, clearly I'm talking to Mel at the moment, not you. I just assumed. I was like, no, no, wait, I've got some thoughts on the gym. I was like, oh,

I might jump in no, no, wait, I've got some thoughts on the gym. I was like, oh. I haven't been. I might jump in here, Nick. The gym's going well. You go first. The gym is going well, but I, because I'm very unsporting, I don't have any achievements, but I'm dating someone who has sporting achievements. I wear her old sports stuff to the gym just to, you know, just to make myself feel better.

And she's representing New Zealand in football. Oh, right. So I've got some good gear. So you've got, like, national training gear, sort of, that they only give out to the actual proper professional sports people. That's right. I've got New Zealand football, shorts, singlets. Is your girlfriend a full international soccer player for New Zealand?

She's not at the moment, but she was. She was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know she was a full international. Oh, awesome. Yeah. And futsal as well. Full international.

I've had... Oh, wow. Why are you saying... I don't know what it... It means something to Carl, obviously. I don't know. I just wear the shorts, yeah um yeah okay yeah yeah if you didn't know we were talking about soccer that would be such a brisbane question is your girlfriend a full international yeah right yeah yeah yeah yeah i was like what's your i think that's that's why my mind went there yeah look to be fair fair, that's like saying a full international

is like you've definitely played for the senior level of soccer or whatever. That's what I'm trying to say. Sorry. I believe so. Well, she has all the outfits that would indicate that. So I pop them on because I love attention. And I wore – so I also – I live in Ipswich, so I live a long way away from where she lives.

So when I'm at her house, there's no gym that I'm a member of near her house. So I have to go to her gym and I go on her pass, right? And I feel – yeah, the anxiety of it, it fucking kills me. And you have to sign in with COVID. So I'm like, do I write my own name because it's COVID and I've got to be ethical or do I write her name? Oh, yes. Do they cross, you know, do they cross-check the sign-in

with the beep, with the passes? I don't know. Anyway, so I do a mixture of both. If she's then signed in somewhere else at the same time, there'll be a double up. They'll know. They'll catch you out there. You'll go to jail.

Yeah, probably looking at some time for this um so i think a pt at the gym her gym might be on to me because he i did my i did my run my my two kilometer treadmill run whatever um and he he looks at me and he goes oh how did your run go i was like yeah good thanks mate yeah and he goes haven't seen you around here before and he goes what's your name and i said mel and then he he got me talking and i realized he was just asking me all these questions and he's looking his eyes are going up and down to my new zealand football singlet and shorts and the accent obviously does not go with that, does it? Oh, yeah. Right, right. Does it have her name on the back? It's got her number on the back.

I don't think it's got a name on the back of the singlet. I think the singlet was just like a training singlet or something. So I'm getting quite nervous answering these questions. And he just keeps looking at me and going, so are you getting fit for a game or something? i'm like no for a full international fully are you are you gonna go the full international i love i love the male like you're going in you're like writing a fake name when you go in you're you're across all that you've got the you know you've got the identity fraud but then as soon as you're in the door you're just letting it all drop immediately like he's asking you your name and you're you're buckling at the first hurdle

you're not able to answer and you haven't come up with any kind of backstory about the uniform like i thought you were really on top of this but you've yeah you've you're giving up the ghost almost immediately i'm very mentally weak tommy um i also i like the idea that that maybe like this guy that's hitting you up is like a matilda scout who's like gone fuck we've got a we've got a new zealand full international in the building let's see oh god her time for two kilometers is shithouse what is going on here i think we've got this upcoming match. We've got it. We've got it. Then I tried to explain to him why I'm so out of form

because I realised, oh, my God, he's thinking this is not a professional athlete. So I said to him, I said, oh, I've recently lost 20 kilos. And then he was like trying to put together how fat was this bitch before jesus christ plus and then i literally i didn't know how to end it or fix it and he just started to talk about words i didn't know um about strength and conditioning and i just walked away i was like yeah mate right i'm out okay good you. And just did how my dad wraps up a conversation, just starts saying mate and goodbye. And I just walked away.

I love the idea that he's got straight onto sports bet and the next New Zealand full international, their odds have just blown out to 30 to 1 going, oh, this number 11, slow time for 2K. Also, she just lost 20 kilos. How bad were they a couple of months ago? COVID has been hard on the New Zealand women. She's got the 5K dumbbells.

This sounds like such a stressful story. Like, it's honestly making me feel a little bit better about the gyms not being open down here. This is the kind of stuff that I want to hear more of from interstate people. Nightmare interactions that they're having at the pub, at the shops, at the gyms. Just like, you know what? It's an ordeal out there. I don't need to leave the house.

I don't need this kind of space in my life. Do you know what? Some people get a bit pressured into going to the gym, and there's a lot of people working out, and they're being looked at by other people in the gym. That is actually, in in contrast absolutely fine at the moment i reckon i was just in the park before and there were there was like a pt session going on where there was like obviously a couple doing weights like full-on doing like lifting proper

weights with a pt guy they're sort of guiding them in at least in the gym you've got other people that are working out and they're sort of like your equals watching they'll do it in the park there were full-on people just getting pissed out of their brains sitting there drinking cast wine and then watching these people work out just going oh yeah fucking lift a big one yeah yeah my gym started doing that and they're really god bless them they're doing their best like they're really trying to pump it. Like, guys, the outdoor sessions have been absolutely electric. You've got to get down here. And you look at the pictures and it's like, this looks like piss.

This looks like the absolute worst fucking way to spend an afternoon. Like I'd honestly rather be indoors not exercising. Yeah, I'd rather not have birds shitting on my head whilst I'm doing sit-ups, if that's possible at all. Yeah. Yeah, it'd rather not have birds shitting on my head whilst I'm doing sit-ups, if that's possible at all. Yeah. Yeah, it's not great. But hey, like you said, Mel, we did think of you when we wanted to talk a little bit further about the big reveal last week. So just to catch you up on this, Mel, what happened was at the start of lockdown,

at the start of all this virus business happening, Tommy came out of the blue and said on the show that he wanted to get pegged by his girlfriend in lockdown. Now, that all sort of startled us quite a bit. We also talked about getting presents for each other. Me and Tommy, so he got me a picture, like a watercolour thing of Thai food. I got him a dildo made, modelled from a mystery comedian's penis so that he could get absolutely plugged by someone he knew. And in the last four or five weeks, I've been giving out clues so that everyone, all the listeners, all the other guests could guess

about whose penis absolutely did blow apart Tommy's little butthole. And that's been confirmed last week on the show by Tommy himself. Absolutely full of Nick Carr in the last couple of weeks. So, Tommy, again, you'll admit to that? Great. Awesome. I wrote, Mel, just to catch you up, I wrote, Carr was very insistent that he would not reveal the name of who this dildo belonged to until he had heard about it being used.

And knowing what this man is like if he doesn't get his way, I wrote a fan fiction story about an unnamed podcaster using a peg, and I read it out on the show last week. Now, look, Carl has taken that as confirmation. He's taken that as fact, and I'm happy for him. I'm happy for it to be interpreted any way he wants it to be interpreted. It was so full of detail, though. You absolutely did it.

Yeah, I'm a skilled writer. It was so full of detail. I'm a skilled writer. I have a gift with the quill. I busted out the parchment, and I spent a couple of days. Inspiration just took me over. It was almost like I just gave myself over to the words. They just came tumbling out of me.

Car, you must have had one of those sort of spidey senses, except in your penis, where you could just feel it actually going into Tommy at the time. Just lying in bed and just got an erection out of nowhere. And I was like, oh, he's done it. You know when you get a chill, like someone's talking about you or something. It's like, oh, I think someone's butthole is clenching on my penis right now. Okay.

My dick is burning. I wish the world worked that way. If you just got some kind of sense every time someone was jacking off jacking off over you or, you know, thinking about you in that way. Yeah, that'd be good. That'd be good. So, Mel, that's what happened. We gave out a bunch of clues. Last week was a big reveal.

It ended up being the person inside your house, Nick Carr. Now, we gave out a bunch of clues last week. We revealed what some of them were, like the answers to them. So, we'll a bunch of clues last week. We revealed what some of them were, like the answers to them. So we'll be doing a bit more of that. But I think what everyone sort of really wants to know is, Nick Carr, how did you actually model for a dildo? How does that actually work? Sorry, we were frozen for a little bit.

I missed a bit of what was going on. How did I do it? Out of the process. The masked beggar is you. That's the bit that you missed, you fucking clown. Yeah. Okay, yeah, sick. All right.

It was me. Hey. Oh, we both froze. I mean, I don't know how the story ends. I've forgotten about it. It doesn't rate that highly in a weird thing for me to do. So I've forgotten about it. It's one of those things.

So a lot of reaction from listeners is you know there were some people that are slightly disappointed it's like oh we thought it was going to be this huge name or whatever it is

and it's this guy Nick Carr that we don't know that well just so people at home know don't be disappointed it wasn't like I came up with the idea that I was going to get a comedian to model

their penis into a dildo and then I asked people and like couldn't convince some big names. It was literally a conversation that we had together, wasn't it, Carl? It was. It was never anyone else that was considered for it. It was purely an idea that we came up between the two of us. No, yeah.

It was just one of the many, you know, you ring me like most nights to talk about boys and stuff. Like, you know, you ring me all the time. We're in constant contact. And you were discussing that you were saying that that because you know you guys had the thing where you're meant to buy each other presents you were like i haven't fucking done that i've got no idea what to get tommy and i've got a friend who uh her partner lives in melbourne and so they were separated for of lockdown so he made a mold of his dick to send to her you know to keep the keep the spark alive, you know, during lockdown.

And I'd said to you, you should make one of your own dick and give it to Tommy for the pegging thing. Because, you know, he said he wanted to get pegged, like two stories crossing together. And you're a fucking coward and you wouldn't do it. So you're like, no, no, no, you do it. no, no, you do it. And for some reason I'm in this weird Stockholm Syndrome abusive relationship with you where I'm so desperate for your approval. I was like, yeah, you know what? I will do it.

That sounds great. Why not? I think that sort of happened. I think it was more – I don't think you even said that I should do it. I just immediately laughed and went, yeah, you do it. This would be funny. And then you were like, yeah, absolutely, whatever. When can I do it?

Can I come over now? Can I make a model of your dick with my mouth? If it's kind of like parliament on this and Tommy has a right of reply, like does Tommy get to make a mold of his dick that Nick has to shove up his ass, you know, like because I've been working on the ABC, so they're very about balance. Oh, right, right. It's all've been working on the ABC, so they're very about balance. Oh, right, right.

It's all about balance, yeah. Right, okay. We've done enough bashing of the libs. We need to get, you know, we need to get some other, we need to get a, yeah, a contrasting viewpoint. Left and right, representation. Yeah, left and right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, I'm on board, but we have to be side by side.

Like, you know, like, I want him to do it again. I want us to experience it. Maybe should we – is there a way we could do it to – can Tommy – yeah, yeah. I don't – I mean – What I'm saying is I'm in. I don't feel comfortable moulding my dick, but I'll tell you what I can do. I can make you a mould of my butthole into a little fleshlight, and I can send you that. Oh, that sounds nice.

Absolutely. There are kits for that. There are kits for, like, the front of a nice. Absolutely. There are kits for that. There are kits for the front of a vagina, but then it doesn't mould the inside, obviously. I mean, it's just tight. You just connect it to the top of a flashlight. If you model your butthole, Tommy, and we get that going, then we can actually use cars, model penis,

and you'll model butthole and actually have you fuck at live shows for all the people that have made we're trying to imagine it we could actually do that or yeah or we could bring it around and teach kids at schools we could do that as well maybe yeah i like the idea we get some kind of um we make a little two little mechanical things that they're on and we like drive them around like robot wars and we beat them on either side of the stage with a remote control trying to drive this into a little fleshlight that's on the other side of the stage. Oh, there we go.

We can see it on camera there. There it is. Oh, I haven't seen it yet. Okay, can you put it further into – sorry, may I see the base? Yeah, yeah. And just for – That's it next. There we go.

Literally, it is the exact same height as an iPhone, which I find very funny. What's going on here? And what iPhone do you have, please, Tommy, for my reference? It's a XXL. It's a very big one. It's actually a flat screen TV. That wasn't an iPhone at all.

Yeah, what is it? I think it's a 10. Have you seen the billboard at Times Square? Jumbo Chomp. Thank you. That's it. That's it. So just so you know, as long as you're cool with knowing the exact size and shape of the

penis of the man that's sitting in the room beside you at the moment, Mel. Was that taken with a flaccid penis, Nick, or a erect penis? I can't, I don't know. I've been off the tools for a few years. Yeah, that one's, yeah, I mean, look, that is, that is, that's a soft one. Like, it's normally much, it's even bigger. No, it's not, Car.

No, that was. It's not, that's not true. I was going to say, the way that this all got set up and that the clues that were being given out over the show the last few weeks and the things that people, the names that people were guessing and then the answer that they ended up getting, it was a little bit like on The Simpsons

with who shot Mr Burns where in the end they find out it was the baby. And I mean that in more ways than one. the baby. And I mean that in more ways than one. It's got some reasonable girth to it, I think, from Mark. It definitely does.

But enough about the man attached to the dick. What about the dick itself? Tommy, I want to say that's an excellent comparison because just like Lisa Simpson, this is one of the people's least favourite characters who never says anything funny on the show. So, yeah, I think you've nailed it there. Oh, God.

But, Car, Car. You're welcome for content. Car, so let us know, for us uninitiated that have never made our penises into a dildo before, what is the process? So what happens? You decide this is going to live on forever in rubber form. What do you do? After that phone conversation we've had, what do you then do?

Well, first of all, I'll say that this is the most stressful thing I've ever done in my life. This was weeks of work. It would cost me, I spent, I think, about $480 over the course of this process. $480? I fucked it up. What? Yeah, dude. I had to buy a lot of kits.

Things were going wrong. Let's not skip ahead. Let's tell the story. I don't know if you've ever tried to perform a story before, Nick Carr, but let's go from the start. Let's go from the start and then we'll move on from there. Okay, fine. Okay, so first of all, so we get off the phone.

I jump on lovehoney.com and buy a Clona. Is it Clona Willie, I think? Oh, God, we're naming the website. So there's more than one sort of plug happening on this show at the moment. Okay. Yeah, that's it. I'm trying to get sponsorship from them. um no yeah so they have the the cloner willy kit and so they they bring it out in this big tube um and it's got the instructions and everything all in there there's

like two big thick like cans of the different you got to mix the silicon together um there's like a thermometer in there there's a bag of the molding stuff. There's like a paddle pop stick that you use to mix everything. And it's like I've watched – they tell you they've got the instructions there, but they have a video on YouTube. This sounds like the Great Australian Bake Off to me. This sounds like you're just baking a cake and then rooting it. Yep. Pluggers, you have two hours to complete your dildo.

That's absolutely not enough time. How many blokes do you reckon try and big note themselves by then calling back the company and going, I'm going to need more silicon. There's just not enough here for me to fit mine in. You're going to need to send out a couple more cans because the tube's not big enough. So, Car, you then, what, you mix together all this silicon.

You have to make sort of a mixture and then you have to pour it into a tube as you're sticking your erect penis into a tube. You're jumping ahead. Now you're jumping ahead. So what you've got to do, it's quite, there's a fair bit of craft work and it does take a couple of days just to make one. So first of all, what you've got to do is you've got to cut the tube they give you you've got to cut that to length so you've got to get an erection for that so you've got to get an erection and hold

it up and then mark it off mark off the tube at the right the correct length so so you're putting the tube beside your penis not you're not putting your penis into the tube no no no you're putting next to the next to the next to the penis so you can cut it off right and then you've got to tape around the edge of it so it doesn't like jab you now this sounds like the block it's and yeah it is it does it's it's so much craft and then it i read in there in the instructions that if you've got a bend in your penis they recommend like slicing it at an angle spinning it around glued ituing it on so that the tube is like, and then taping it up so the tube is angled. And I have a slight curve, so this is what I've done.

I've cut it off, angled it around, re-taped it up. It's not a big curve. It's just a slight curve. I'd like to see the curve, please. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You've got to hold it up like this front way is there enough

room on that road to have a curve yeah there we go that's the see there's a slide there's a bit of a

it's like a 2% curve I didn't even know if I'd call that a curve yeah and this is the thing so it was completely unnecessary for me

to do that it would have just fit in the tube normally, but I've gotten a bit too. I was like, oh, no, I want to make sure I do this right. It says if you've got a curve to do this, so I'll do it. So I've put that in there. So then you've got to get a bowl of water and get it to exactly, I think, was it 30 degrees or something?

You've got to have it at exactly the right temperature. It's so stressful. So they give you this. Yeah, it is, dude. It's so stressful. So they give you this little thermometer, and so you're sitting there with it in. You get that ready. So, Carl, where are you doing all this? This big cooking show, where's this taking place?

I'm living with my parents. I was living with my parents. Hang on, hang on. A man that's volunteering to model his penis for a podcast is living with my parents. Hang on, hang on, hang on. A man that's volunteering to model his penis for a podcast is living with his parents? That seems weird. I make a lot of good decisions. I've got all this money.

I'm not paying rent, so I've got all this money to spend on fake dildos. Yeah, right, right. That's great. If at the start of this you were living in your own place and you had to like Move out and sell things So you could afford

This fake penis for Tommy It's become an obsession And I'm just setting myself broke By just keep making them Over and over again Are you in the kitchen Doing this then? Because you need hot water

At a temperature So you're doing this near Well initially I thought I'll do it In the bathroom For clean up's sake And I don't know It felt weird to do it In the kitchen So I was like I'll do it in the bathroom for clean-up's sake. And I don't know, it felt weird to do it in the kitchen.

So I was like, I'll do it in the bathroom. Also too, this is during lockdown. So mum and dad were home most... It was so hard to find time when they just weren't home. Right. Because you needed to do... And it took a lot... The clean-up took hours afterwards.

So I had to really plan this out. So I think mum and dad went to like... What are you... Dude, it takes a long... What are you... Is this such a fucking... What are you walking around just waving your dick around like a windmill flicking plaster all over the house?

There's a lot of prep work, man. There's a lot of prep work. So you get the water to the right temperature and then they tell you once you start pouring the powder in to make the mould. The mould isn't like clay or anything. It's this weird... It's like... I think it's...

They literally say it's got like algae in it or something. It's kind of like a firm when it when it when it sets it's like this firm uh like gel jelly jelly sort of stuff like it's pretty firm like weird jelly it looks creepy so you've got to when you start mixing that in as soon as you put the water and you start mixing it you've got two minutes to get your dick in that tube right from when so you've got to mix it you got to mix it pretty thoroughly they say they don't mind if there's lumps in there. It can be a little bit of lumps. But you've got to mix it pretty thoroughly and then pour it in there.

Yeah, it's like talking to Maggie Beer, isn't it? Just. Yeah. So you've got to do all this. You've got to make sure the temperature's perfect and you've got to mix in this stuff while you're as hard as you can possibly be. Right, right. So you've got to be cooking whilst erect is what you're doing.

And then you've got to be – Doing a bit of craft. Right. So then you've got to stick it in and be hard for two minutes. Is that what you're saying? How long does it take? No, no. Once you get it in there, I think they say keep it in there two or three minutes

and then it sort of sets. It does set fairly quickly, but that's why you can't fuck around with it. You've got to mix it in and you've got to pour it. So the first time I tried to do it, I fucked up and poured like, I didn't get all the stuff in the tube because I was in a hurry

because I was like racing against the clock before I didn't want to lose the erection. And it was hard because you had like a porno in one hand and then the tube in the other and mixing yeah i had my laptop up yeah i had my laptop up next to me just with stuff going on but again you're not focusing on the porn you're trying to make sure everything's all right and then so i just spilt like most of the mixture out right so then i've tried to throw the dick in anyway and it just wasn't working and i imagine. And I imagine that dick of yours has never been hardened in something for two minutes in its entire life.

Hey. No. God is ass. You did it. Absolutely. If you're going more than two minutes, you're wasting your time. It doesn't. The podcast is now finished, Nick.

Tommy said the funniest thing you can say so it's done that's it it's done i'm gonna go have a nap you guys just chat amongst yourselves i'm gonna go nice yeah i'm not really here for the comedy i'm not really here for the comedy guys i actually want to hear about nick talking about his penis some more so uh yeah i'm glad you guys are going i let's just get we can get a real deep dive into this. I want to know, Nick, how many goes did it take you to get the mould that Tommy now has in his arse and hands? Yes, yes.

Tommy's one is the fifth. The fifth? It's the Mark V. Yeah, yeah. You know how Iron Man has a bunch of different suits? This is the Mark. He's got the Mark V. It's like Doctor Who. It's the most technologically advanced. Yeah, yeah. You know how Iron Man has a bunch of different suits? This is the Mark. He's got the Mark V. The most technologically advanced.

It regenerated. Yeah. It got sick and had to change. So there was a clue early on that this one that I have isn't the only one of these that exists, which a lot of people listening and guests on the show and myself included took that to mean possibly that this was a comedian

who had maybe done this as merch or you could buy it somewhere along the line. But what that actually meant was there was an abandoned graveyard of mutant Nick Carr dildos just sort of rolling along the floor going, why don't you love us, father? Hey, graveyard would be nice. That would imply they're all buried in the ground. These things are still walking amongst us. Right, right, right.

Okay, okay. Living in the world. So, Carr, after the first one, is it fair to say you went, right, this is too hard to maintain with an erect penis. You're going to need some professional help. Yep, absolutely, absolutely. So the first one i like fucked it up i had another lot of powder so i tried it again then but i when i washed out the the tube i forgot to dry it so there was still some water in there so the first one was like do i've got it here do you want me to show you and

then i'll tell you this is why this was just me like just giving it a crack and without any sort of aid so as you can see it's it's pretty like it's got a big hole in it i was touching the side yeah i was touching the sides at a bunch of times the veins more visible on that one than the the mark five yeah compare the pair a little bit i think the main thing that we were worried about at the time, I did talk to you about this at the time,

was what you were worried about was if it was inserted into Tommy's butt, it might break off and stay in there, which I was a little bit excited about. I did like the idea

of Tommy going to hospital and having to ask for Nick Carr's penis to be taken out of there. Oh, I was putting up the Christmas lights and I fell off the ladder. I was on the roof of my house and I fell down into Queensland into an open mic comedy show and onto Nick Carr's dick.

So the first one was so stressful. So I'm like, all right, if I'm going to do this, I have to do it right. I can't fuck around. That's it. You can't combine stress and an erect penis. That doesn't work. No, you can't. So I've gone to see my local GP and said to him,

oh, look, mate, I'm having some trouble. That's what I'm going to ask now. that's what i'm gonna ask now no i was like oh hey um i'm having you know i'm having trouble uh maintaining an erection can i please uh get some viagra so you didn't you didn't give him any context you didn't say i'm having trouble maintaining an erection while sticking it in a mixing bowl full of clay you just you took that off the side of it no i i just decided just to i was like oh look i'm having trouble he goes oh someone at your age you really shouldn't be having any issues i'm like well i do and then i just kind of sat there staring at him i did try first and then he eventually gave up i did try first a friend gave me one of the synthetic ones that you can get like just over

the counter at an adult shop but that gave me heart palpitations and made me feel very ill so i decided that one wasn't and it didn't really seem to work and then like i don't know yeah it did really see it just made me feel very very very sick not horny at all so i had to abandon that one i threw that one right out that was no good uh so yeah go on i've got the viagra and then in between getting this... Didn't you take that? Did you have a crack at making a mould with the synthetic Viagra and then you had to go and see the doctor because you were so ill from it?

No, no, no. I don't think I had a crack at it because I was like, it's just not going to work. It wasn't making me... It wasn't helping at all. Okay. But I did... I was worried I was going to have to go to the doctor.

I felt really sick. I was going to have to call mum and mum, can you take me to the hospital? I'm just taking some over-the-counter Viagra that's fucked me up. I'm like, it's ruined my day. You know what? So then to top that off. This is a lot of hassle.

You've been through a lot, Nick. It's so much hassle. This is one of the most stressful stories I've ever heard. I feel like I'm watching Uncut Gems at the moment. This is like, I never could have predicted that just hearing the story about the dick being made would be like every step of it. The parents

in the house, the timer, the then you're trying to get an erection using medicine and it's giving you heart palpitations. This is just fucked. Worth it to think medicine and it's giving you heart palpitation. This is just... This is fucked. This is really fucked.

Worth it to think that you're modelling your penis to stick in your friend's ass though. It's worth it though. At the end of the tunnel. Worth the commitment. Just picturing my ring and just being like, now remember why you're doing this. Remember what it's for. Doing this so Tommy comes. On top of all that too,

I'm working with Carl Chandler on this so I'm just getting constant abuse throughout the floor oh why haven't you fucking done this already how hard can it be just stick your dick

in some fucking clay you idiot just get it done what are you fucking doing we need to get this going man all good advice hey prove me wrong that's all good advice

yeah yeah lucky I mean I can't get an erection now without thinking about Carl Chandler berating me for not for not getting it done but then so to top it off with the viagra so then um i didn't want to go to that chemist uh because it was in gatton uh and i know the chemist so i was like i don't want to i don't want to get found out like i don't want people

around town thinking i use viagra so i decided to to wait until I was in Brisbane. And in the meantime, I've lost the prescription. So I had to go back and see another doctor. And he's like, you've just got a prescription. And I was like, yeah, I lost it. And he's like, what? And I'm like, yep. And he goes, you really shouldn't. Someone your age really shouldn't need Viagra prescriptions.

Can't keep an erection. Can't keep a prescription. What can you keep? Nick, can I just ask, is there a single element of this story that isn't a fucking nightmare in some way? Yes. Because I might need to crack a beer for the rest of this just to take the edge off.

I'm sweating just hearing this. It's definitely upped the amount of drinking I've done. It was such a harrowing process. Because then, so I've gotten the Viagra. I'm ready to have another crack. Because that's it. I have to order it online. And it takes, I have to pay the express postage to get it there a couple of days quicker.

Like, it did come within two days sort of every time. But again, because Carl's like, oh, you fucked it up again. We need to get this going, man. So then I'm ordering more and there's more lead time. And then so once I get it, then I've got to wait for mum and dad to leave the house again. And this time I was like, no, the bathroom made it up again. We need to get this going, man. So then I'm ordering more and there's more lead time. And then, so once I get it, then I've got to wait for mum and dad to leave the house again. And this time I was like, nah, the bathroom made it too hard. I'm doing it in the kitchen. There's more space. It's also, I love this, like presumably like your parents in the high risk category for

this virus and you're just constantly going, why don't you go out and take a little walk? Just go, just go pot around the shopping center for a little bit. Yeah. Hey, you know who you haven't had lunch with for a while, Mum? Nan. I think you should go visit Nan for a bit. How long are you going to be – we'll go out. How long should we go out for, Nick? About a hard on and a half.

Okay. All right. Weird measurement of time. So the second attempt was mostly... It went a bit better. It went a bit better. We need to cut down on the admin, Nick. Is there anything...

We can't describe all five editions. We don't have the time. No. Okay. Not if describing them takes this amount of time for each one. Yes. Yeah. Yes.

For each one. Well then, so I finally got one right, right? I finally got one right. And the thing is, that's the other thing, sorry, I should mention. I also invested in a cock ring just to really up the ante. I wasn't going to take any chances. So I had the Viagra, had a cock ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You had to cut it to the right size. It was all a process. Did you need this? Well, I don't know. I was really just trying to make sure I didn't – I mean, I was not taking any chances. Is that it at the base? Yeah, that's the cock ring. That is the cock ring.

Oh, we can see the cock ring at the base. Okay. I did wonder about that. That's how – yeah, no, that's the cock ring. That is a very Queensland dick, I think. Tommy, you should have been able to pick that. That should have narrowed it down a lot. Yeah, I was like Tommy, you should have been able to pick that. That should have narrowed it down a lot. Yeah, I was like what? Why?

Okay, so you've had to go to all this hassle Nick. Would it not have been easier just to put your dick in Tommy's arsehole? Huh? Yes. Yeah. Honestly. Oh look, we know better next time Mel. It's all well and good for you to say that in hindsight. Yeah. But we've learnt that

now. Yeah. I've gone through the process. But we've learnt that now. Yeah. Yeah. I've gone through the process. But then so there's a moment, the biggest moment of regret I had was when I made the first one and got it right. And I'm like in the kitchen, in my parents' kitchen with this, I've poured it, I've got it all in the mixture, I've jammed it on and I'm trying to make sure it's straight because that's the other thing, you've got to make sure that you're not touching the sides anywhere

because that'll make the mould weaker.'ll make the mold weaker that's where you get all the spots in so i've got it jammed on and i'm like trying to keep like because it sort of doesn't give a great idea of when exactly it'll set so you just got to keep it in there and i'm just trying to like like get real primer with it like trying to egg myself on to keep as hard as i possibly isn't that isn't that a sight to see on zoom everyone just seeing what nick car's heart on face looks like. What an absolute delight. Yeah.

I'm standing in my parents' kitchen with all the blinds down, naked, jam this thing on. Because it all spills out. As you put your dick in, the excess mould all spills out the side and just goes all over the floor. At least by the look of it, there wasn't that much that spilled out, so that's cool. So my dog's standing behind me the whole time whimpering,

just like losing a mug. It was very hard to keep it going. But I did it. So the first one came out, and with the vibrator that they tell you to put in, I followed their instructions. You cut out a piece of paper, you stick the vibrator in, then stick that over the top so the vibrator doesn't fall all the way in so the first one was great

but the vibrator was poking out the bottom so then when I showed Carl Chandler I got a bunch of abuse it's meant to be a fucking peg on you a peg you idiot like she's not going to be able to strap that on it needs to be flat at the base so that one that I made was perfect

again I still maintain I come out well in this story. Everything I'm saying makes sense. I only wish in hindsight I'd been saying, forget some of these details, Car, so you don't bore everyone with them later on for half an hour. I'm sorry. I'm trying to tell. So then the third one I made, yeah, all right.

So the third one I made, I tried to reuse the mic. Have you noticed, boys, we've gone back to the first one again? Like we thought we got out of that and now he's somehow. Yeah, me too. I'm not great at counting. I'm not reuse the mold. Boys, we've gone back to the first one again. Like we thought we got out of that and now he's somehow. Yeah, me too. I'm not great at counting. I'm not great at counting. So then, okay, so then I made this one and it's all. So, yeah, then the third one I tried to reuse the same mold as the good one

and I didn't put the vibrator in, but it's all like rough around the edges. Like using the same you can't reuse can I ask this card do we need to hear a description of every model of them or can we just okay fine we just assume

that we got there in the end can we do that okay we got okay all right we got there in the end we got this again this is so fucking stressful we can do some patreon

content we can do bonus episodes for each and every one of the dildos along the way. If people want to hear that, they can pay for it. All right. What do you want to know then? What will be good is instead of an hour on each dildo, what we can do is we can talk about what we talked about last week,

which was we gave clues for the last five weeks, and so a lot of people want to know exactly what some of them meant. Now, we'll go through week by week. Now, we said in the first week he's a comedian. You've performed all around Australia and different states. Yeah, I know. That was a bit of a trick to throw some people off the scene. I know.

I've taken a few liberties there. Sorry. Sorry, everyone. I'm a full international comedian. Thank you very much. Well, that's right. You performed internationally. It didn't say you performed well,

but it does say you performed internationally. It doesn't mean I had to get laughs. It says you're a multiple threat. It says you've acted. Now, what have you acted in, Nick Carr? I recently did a proof of concept video, like a pilot for a TV show that we're trying to get funding for called Apps. We have not got funding yet.

That doesn't count, mate. That's an open micers idea from Brisbane that you've been in. Yeah. So that's not acting. No. It was very good. Well, he's acting now that he's been in something worth mentioning. I guess that's something.

But the idea of that was, so is this the concept, Nick, that people are pretending to be different applications, like someone's pretending to be Facebook and someone's pretending to be whatever it is. No, the idea of it was that, no, that's not it, Mel. All right, you explain it then. Okay. So the first one, no, it is we're all apps in someone's phone. Oh, so people are pretending to be apps then, are they?

Yeah. Right. But we're not pretending, we're acting. Right. So this is like if someone at Pixar had brain damage. This is the kind of concept they'd come up with. This is as if someone had thought of an idea that everyone else had thought of 70 times before about five years ago. That's the concept here.

Which app were you playing, Nick Carr, in this production that hasn't been seen on any screens? Good question. I was playing Tinder. Right. Of course. So I got to say a bunch of words. Which explains why a lot of people are always saying, I've got to get off Tinder.

Yeah. So, now you got the role. Was there an extensive audition process? There was. I was asked to audition for the role, but then when they set out the briefing for what the different characters are like, they had photos of me in what they were looking for.

They wanted a Nick Carr type. So I had to audition for a role that was based on how I act on stage. So that was fun. Then they had another guy, a much more handsome young guy, audition for it as well. And I was like, he's nothing like Nick Carr. I'm the most like Nick Carr. Imagine someone missing out on the role because they said, no, we wanted someone a bit more Nick Carr-like.

Fucking hell. I'm interested to hear they held auditions, Nick Carr, because almost everyone in that production has a very, very loose five-minute set, if that, that they need to work on. So I wondered if that was not pulled together by Facebook Messenger, that production there. Oh, yes, but who was playing Facebook Messenger, though, in the apps? Great question.

Facebook was definitely a character. So there was only two. Yeah, most of us were stand-ups There was only two actors in it There was the guy who played Facebook And the girl who played Instagram I'd be very careful They were both professional actors

Using the word stand-up Nick Carr Very careful I've changed my mind Can you go back to telling us about Dildo number three again? This is somehow worse This is more disturbing Alright

I've actually coached him on some of these questions and he's still making them boring. So we'll try for another one. All right. We'll see what we've got. Okay. So we talked about how good you were at sport last week. You have lived elsewhere around Australia.

You've done lots of – what about this? The clue was I haven't just done comedy over the years. I've done all sorts of things. I've even had something to do with a big Aussie pop hit. If this is that apps thing again, I'm going to fucking murder you. We all sing a song at the end. Ditto number four was quite popular.

It was at the top of the charts. Here's half an hour about that. Well, back when I was at uni, I went to go see a band I like, the Butterfly Effect, play at the Toowoomba Uni Club. Wow, the Butterfly Effect at the Toowoomba Uni Club. Awesome. Awesome. It was sick.

It was a great night, man. It was a great night. So I was on the beers. I'd just gone and bought a big hoodie from the merch desk I'm walking back into the crowd and I'm pretty drunk and like I don't know just sort of lumbering around someone's come out of the merch door in a hurry

and we've just collided I've bumped into this person knocked him in the ground there's a small quite a small girl I've reached out and gone oh my god I'm so sorry tried to give her a hand up as she's as I've grabbed her hand and pulled her up, she's used that momentum to then full-on punch me in the face.

And I was like, oh, fuck. Like, fuck you then. Like, it was an accident. She's like, do you know who I am? You're a fucked cunt. You don't know what you've just done. You've just made a huge mistake. I'm like, of course I don't know who you fucking are.

You're just someone at a fucking music gig. Turns out it was one of the Veronicas who was dating the lead singer in the support act. Was the, yeah, the one who's now dating Billy Corgan. She just smashed me in the back. Oh, really? I mean, it didn't hurt at all. Yeah, yeah, the one who's dating Billy Corgan

now smashed me in the back. It didn't hurt at all. She traded up, obviously, from, it was not Billy Corgan in the support act that night. She's worked her way up the music industry. And that night she was smashing a man who looks like a pumpkin.

And then she's run over Billy, Billy Smallorgan. Yeah. So yeah, then she's run over to her boyfriend or whatever to try and get me kicked out. And he was in this weird emo band, so he's just standing there going,

I don't know what you want me to do. And she's full on punched you in the face. And she weighs about, what, 35 kilos? Yeah. It didn't hurt much. And I was drunk, so I didn't really feel it. But I was still hurt by the action. I was trying to help out.

It was an accident. Trying to do the right thing, help her up, and she's jammed me in the face. Do you know the Veronica's? I know Jess and Lisa, of course. How does this link to being in a hit single, though? Didn't say hit single. It said he's had something to do

with a big Aussie pop hit. Oh hit. She hit me. Yes. Yeah. It's becoming apparent that the Masked

Pegger is sort of like a quiz show but if it was written and run by Jigsaw from the Saw movies just this like fucking

just this sadistic overlord who's like solve my riddles or you're getting fucked in the ass. Okay, great, great. So that's that. Yep.

All right. Was that a better story? It was a better story. It was all right. It went way better since we talked over it this morning, Nick. I just wish we talked over all five dildos this morning. Now, it says clue number three involved, I've done work for Channel 9. Now, this led a lot of people to think it was going to be like Nick Cody hosted 20 to 1 and things like that.

Was it quite as prestigious as hosting 20 to 1? I did work experience at the Channel 9 in Toowoomba. Right. So, yes, absolutely as prestigious as that. Not even Channel 9 in Brisbane. Very nice. No, no, just Channel 9 Toowoomba at the top of the hill. Yep, it was pretty fancy. Why did they have a Channel 9? Why did they have, just Channel 9 Toowoomba at the top of the hill. Yep, it was pretty fancy.

Why did they have a Channel 9? Why do they have a TV station in Toowoomba? Why doesn't it win at the very least? Isn't Toowoomba only an hour or two away from Brisbane? Why do they need their own station? It is. We've got a lot of news, man. Okay.

A lot of coward punches that don't make the Brisbane news. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, we've got a lot of stuff going on don't make the Brisbane news. Yeah, that's it. We've got a lot of stuff going on. So you were work experience. So you were, what, writing for the news or writing copies for other little programs that they manufacture out in Toowoomba, something pretty high profile? Pretty much all they had me do was just carry gear. I was just there to carry the gear for the news team.

That was it. I didn't do any editing. I think I sat in with an editor for maybe five minutes and they're like, oh, we're going to a thing. We need you to carry some cameras. So it was just a pack horse for most of it. Yeah, just carrying around. I heard some great conversations.

They just forget I was there in the van with them. So I was with one of the news readers and the cameraman. They just send them out to like, I don't know, one of the places was like a preschool because someone had done something cool. But they'd forget I was there and just have these conversations. And she was just like in depth telling her cameraman, who they're close friends, that she was cheating on her partner.

I was just hearing all this shit about her. She's cheating on her partner. This is like the head newsreader this is like the the yeah the star in the crown the diamond in the crown of toowoomba channel nine yep yep cheating on it cheating on it and then they'd remember you heard it here first for people at home the the news newsreader head newsreader for channel nine toowoomba 10 or 15 years ago is having it off with someone else hell yeah yeah absolutely and and she did feel bad about it though so i mean if that's if that's if that helps she felt bad about it um then the only other thing i did was they they used me in a like when i'd go around with the guy who filmed a lot of the commercials

and so i was just dressed in because i was just cart and shit i was just always just dressed in grubby like worky like like you know just just dressed in, because I was just carton shit, I was just always just dressed in grubby, like worky, like, you know, just coveralls or whatever, because it was just carton stuff. It was mostly just pack walls. But they needed someone to be in this set of commercials for a shopping center.

So just whenever they needed someone, I was just in the ad. So they've just got me and grubby worky there eating cake and then like checking out at Woolworths with a trolley. And then just all the little shops were getting my nails done. It was weird. Like just all these little ads and I'm just dressed so shitty. So every time they came up, I couldn't even be proud of it

because I looked fucking horrible. So Toowoomba, every business in Toowoomba for a full year had Nick Carr eating sausage rolls in it. Yep. Smashing cake into my face. It was a real good look for the shopping centre. Just this grubby fat dickhead just walking around, just having the best day.

Every shop's got Nick Carr in it for some reason. Great. Well, all the food-based shops anyway is what I heard there, sort of checking out, buying food, eating food. So, yeah. Well, it did take a few extra takes to get the cake one done. I bet it did. I needed a few more.

Yeah, guys. I bet there was more of an audition process with that one. I think very early before they turned the cameras on, Nick Carr was there. Very nice. So that was Channel 9. Now, it said that you'd worked for Chandler. You'd even been part of his stand-up shows. Now, you were it said that you'd worked for Chandler you'd even been part of his stand up shows

now you were you were you helped me out what last year I think I did a few muck around sort of shows in Melbourne in April

and I got you to be a little bit of a guest in I think all of them didn't I I just got you to do these weird odd jobs I was in a bunch of them yeah

I was in a bunch of them yeah I got you to I think the first them, didn't I? I just got you to do these weird odd jobs. I was in a bunch of them. Yeah. I was in a bunch of them. Yeah. Yeah. I got you to hold... I think the first time I was literally just... You were holding up stuff and bits and pieces like that. You had a list of jokes you wanted to try and I just had to hold it up. Yeah.

It was one of them. I just stood there just holding the sign and that was it. I think there were certainly shows where you couldn't even hold it up properly, so I was yelling at you for doing that. Now, there was a show where... Yeah, I was trying out jokes. you couldn't even hold it up properly so i was yelling at you for doing that but um now you there was a there was a what a show where um i yeah i was trying out jokes and so i'd read out jokes and if they'd go well they'd get a tick and if they didn't go well i made you do a shot of of something yeah yeah yeah you've rung me up with the idea you've rung me up with the idea

you're like car i need you to i need to help the show tonight uh i want you to come on stage and every time one of my jokes bombs i want you to do a shot of of tequila i was like all right i'll do it on the condition that then you help you try and help get your crowd to come to my show which was on straight after yeah not realizing that getting like absolutely blitzed during your show just made me a fucking mess for mine. Yeah, it embarrassed you more by getting more crowd members to see you absolutely fuck your show up later on. Absolutely. Absolutely. It was more eyes to watch me the whole time panic because I was about to piss my pants.

It's like lose, lose, lose because then I'm going, gee, guys, if you laugh, I get to give my joke a ticket or if you don't laugh, I get him absolutely fucking sideways. And everyone's like, even if we like this joke, we're absolutely not going to laugh. We just want to see this cunt get absolutely fucked up. Because it's like, even if we like this joke, we're absolutely not going to laugh. We just want to see this cunt get absolutely fucked up. Because it's way funnier if I do the drink. So, yeah, yeah.

So you, and I think I did about 10 jokes and maybe they got two or three laughs. So you ended up having to do like seven shots in, you know, five minutes. And then right at the end of it, someone came to save you though, didn't they? Yeah, Blakey's like, here mate, here's a glass of water. Brett Blake, Brent of the show. Brett Blake.

He's given me a glass of water. I was like, oh, thank fuck, I really need this. So I've sculled the water straight away. Turns out it was straight vodka. So it's just really good. It absolutely fucking leveled me. Brett Blake shrieking laughing like some sort of hyena and screaming, it was vodka, it was vodka. Just Brett Blake shrieking laughing like some sort of hyena and screaming,

it was vodka, it was vodka. So, yeah, my show didn't go that well at all. Most like most other nights, which this time I had an excuse. Yeah, you had more people there this time. Yeah, what's next? Nick, I like to have a drink. Well, that's explained. Okay. I like to have a drink. Well, that's explained. Okay.

I like to have a drink and I don't mind a chaser. Oh, yeah, this one's a good one. So a while ago I asked a question on Q&A at the Brisbane Powerhouse. This was before I was doing comedy about gay marriage. It was Malcolm Turnbull was the only guest. And I stood up and asked him. I fired off a real humdinger at him, stumped him, and well, yeah, he sort of waffled on about something else.

So he was Prime Minister at the time, Malcolm Turnbull. You, Nick Carr, you're talking to Malcolm Turnbull. Faced him down, stared at him from across the room, asked him, fired off my brilliantly written question about gay marriage to him, and he like ummed and ahed a bunch. You're welcome, Mel, by the way.

You haven't said anything. You haven't said thank you yet, but yeah. No, yeah, I'm going to do my part. Sorry. Yeah, thank you, Nick. That's really thoughtful of a straight white man to weigh in on that topic and take some airtime away from a member of the minority.

Yeah, no. We're so thankful for everything that you've done for us. I'm pretty brave. I'm pretty brave. You know, yeah. I'm the hero you need, not the hero you deserve. But, you know, like, and so Tony Jones told him to give a one-word answer and he was like,

well, look, here's the... I don't... Anyway, so then they played that clip on The Chaser the following week. It was like one of their segments was the longest ever one-word answer. So on The Chaser, I get to live out my dream of being on The Chaser.

It was my face for maybe two seconds. I didn't even play my question on The Chaser. Just my face for two seconds. Oh, sorry, and then they played his response. So I was on The Chaser. didn't even play my question on The Chaser. Just my face for two seconds. Oh, sorry. And then they played his response. So I was on The Chaser. That's it. I was on The Chaser.

Did you tell the people at Apps that, that you've had on-camera experience before? That's why they wanted a Nick Carr type, because they saw that episode of The Chaser at two seconds and went, we've got to have someone like this guy just like him just like him yeah a real a real good guy a real white knight yes exactly and then yeah and then that clip then lawrence moon moody also used again that same question uh for one of his videos where he pretends to be malcolm turnbull um but then like his response to it was just telling me to have a big gay orgy and get cum in my beard

or something. It was good stuff. Art. Classic quality. Satire. Okay. Yeah. So got a lot of...

How come we aren't doing breakfast radio in Sydney if he does that? We're doing stuff to take loose. Fuck, does that? How come we don't get a better job? Oh, mate. Once the word of this Mark pegger gambit gets around, the office will be rolling. I tell you what, I reckon me and Tommy will be in bakeries

all through Toowoomba posing for ads in the next six months, I reckon. Once we can fly up to Queensland, we'll be in haberdasheries, chewing on fucking coffee scrolls. It'll be the making of us. All right. So you are, next clue, I may not be an absolute superstar on the ground, but out of all Australian comedians,

I'm probably the true king of the air. Now, Nick Cody had umbrage with this one. He regards himself as the king of the air. You are the true king of the air. Why so, Nick? Yeah, because I, Carl Chandler, have flown a plane. himself as the king of the air you are the true king of the air why so nick yeah because i because i have flown a plane i've been i did i flew a plane i was a pilot you know what's better than it's closer to the front of the plane than fucking first class being in the fucking driver's seat i

did it it was me the term's coffee yeah yeah yeah cockpit how are you flying a plane when you don't know what the cockpit is called, you fucking idiot? That's now what I refer to Tommy's ass. Is Toowoomba involved in this story, Nick? Yeah. Well, that's why. They'll let anyone have a go out there. Yeah, they're like, get him in.

He can read. He's been to school. Pop him on Yeah Yeah yeah Is this the pilot? Who? Oh the guy that's

Saying where Which way is the front Of the plane? Yeah yeah yeah That's the pilot No problem Jump him in Hey

Hey I didn't need I didn't need to know The fancy technical words Mate I was instinctual I was very good at it I took off flew around for a little bit it was an introductory flight uh lesson um took off and the guy just said you you know you seem to know what you're doing like just go for it so i took off flew around and then landed the i didn't think he

was gonna let me land i thought for sure he wouldn't let me land uh but he was like no no you're right you got this so i fucking landed the thing and the whole time in the i had my my girlfriend at the time in the back um just absolutely shitting her pants and when we got because there was one bit where i sort of fucked up a little bit and it did sort of drop down a bunch and i was like oh shit and so she didn't say anything about it until we got home and then she's fucking laid into me i could have fucking died like she was real mad it was fun it was good fun it was a good day great birthday present and can you put her on the another story now i'm crushing this can you put her on the zoom call now she's still there yeah nope that sounded like the kind of story that like an eight-year-old tells on the first

day back after school holidays yeah um did a plane flying lesson and then the guy was like you can fly you can land it if you want there's nothing more i can teach you in fact if you want um quantus has a flight that's uh going to to London. Do you want to do that one? Because we've never seen anyone this good. Yeah, yeah. And they made us keep our pilot's license there at the building, so that's why I couldn't bring it back to school to show anyone. But it's there.

And Nick, do you think the pilot thought that it was a make-a-wish sort of a deal? Yeah, what they like, what's the opposite of cancer where you put on a lot of weight? What's that disease? Nick, do you have a girlfriend at the moment? And if so, what did she think of the dildo making? Oh, good question. Yeah, she was actually pretty supportive of it.

Yeah, she was pretty supportive of it. Not enough to keep a copy for herself, obviously, but she sort of approved of you? No. I mean, that'd be a bit weird, wouldn't it? Like, that's not what it's for. It's a gift for Tommy. Oh, right, yeah.

That's weird for your girlfriend to have one. Yeah, for sure. Yuck. Yeah, it's for arseholes, not pussies, you freaks. Yeah. I love the idea that you've got a girlfriend and there's five models of your dick, Tommy's got one of them,

and you've kept four for yourself. I don't know. I just like to look at them. It reminds me of a better time. Right, okay. All right, you reminds me of a better time. Right. Yeah. Okay. All right. You're the king of the air.

Great. Now, one of the clues is, look, I'm surprised this wasn't a clear giveaway for everyone. You have a podcast. You're one of the few Australian comedians with a podcast. Congratulations. It's called Car Crash. It's all about, and you know, this is a show that could go on forever because it's all about you trying to get better at comedy.

And that is just, you know, that could go for infinity. That's never going to stop getting content for that. It doesn't matter, you know. Even Bill Burr is still learning, Carl. You know, so you can always be better. Mel Buttle, you would have been on that show before. It's all about car getting recommendations. Much advice?

Did you have much advice for him, Mel? I tried to see the artist as a whole and be like, how can we do our best jokes if we're not living in our best body with our best mind was my way of saying, you need to stop drinking a bottle of rum before you perform. See, I haven't listened yet, Cara, I have to be honest, and part of the reason for that is my problem with this as a concept

is surely every episode is just exactly the same. I mean, listening to that bit of advice from Mel and then looking at Cara in the Zoom window, I'm going to have to say that every week's advice is falling on extremely deaf ears by the sound of things, I think. No, I've

stopped drinking before I perform now. I don't do that. I did take that advice. As soon as I'm done though on the beers yeah absolutely right before none i think i went now none sorry mel oh it's just gonna say i think i also gave you some advice about structure and uh opening strong maybe and having being really efficient with our words and having a clear place we're heading to. Thank you, Mel. And I think that's helped a lot with this episode. For sure.

Yeah, yeah. It's clearly, I'm a great storyteller. I'm a great storyteller. Yeah. Thank you for your help. It's really come a long way. I mean, this isn't stand-up. I'm not on stage now.

Oh, okay. So you just did draw the rules for this. Okay. Hey, we'll license this ep of our pod to you if you just want to put this up on your feed because we've given you a lot of feedback on your craft in this. So you can just use this as an ep of Card Crash if you want. Splice this out.

Absolutely. Nick, you asked me to be on there, so I was quite harsh with you, thinking, well, that's sort of what you want, whilst trying to be funny. But what I was a little bit upset by is the fact that I went on there, did that, was quite hard with you, and then found out that there was another episode where someone was harder than me at you.

Someone was more – it was Kat Davison. It was brutal. And I had to have a little 10-minute cry in the car afterwards. Wow. It was pretty savage. Whoa. And I didn't do that. A little 10-minute cry. What did I do wrong? No, it wasn't Wow. It was pretty savage. Whoa. And I didn't do that. A little ten minute cry.

What did I do wrong? No, it wasn't you. I don't know. You got, like, I mean, you were definitely a contributing factor. You were the episode beforehand. So it was like you definitely contributed. Okay. You loosened the proverbial jar.

Okay. Thank you. Carl ran it under hot water and then Kat came in with the towel and just popped the lid clean off. Just flicked it straight off. What did Kat say, Nick, that made you upset? Was it her manner or the – what was it? It was quite – look, it was a bit of like a –

Let's make him cry now. Let's get him to remember it. Yeah, it was – I'm close. I'm not far. I'll be honest. It was a build build up of like having like 10 episodes in a row

of like people you really respect and that just like you're going like I mean I was asking for it I'm like

what's wrong with me and then them all telling me that I'm a drunken piece of shit who's bad at comedy and so like there was a bit of build up from that she was particularly

like very much like oh your recent behaviour is like disappointing me you know when I first saw you I thought you were quite good and had a lot of potential

you know but now you've you know like you've actually really like this you're letting me down I feel like you're letting me down

every time just send her this episode and then she'll be you know she'll feel a lot better about it she'll be back on board I'm not angry

I'm disappointed that's brutal yeah it was savage and like staring at me she's got she gave me a... Oh, that's brutal. Yeah, it was savage. And, like, staring at me. She's got a pretty full-on, like, shark stare to her. Yes. Like, dead eye, like, just going.

And even a bit where I try out a new bit that I want to work on, I start telling it. And before I even got in it, she jumped straight in. She's like, oh, you're already doing this and this wrong. So straight away, I was like, oh, no, this is bad. Like I was panicking trying to tell a joke. So it was just brutal. So, yeah, I got in the car that night and had a little bit of a cry,

a little bit of a real good reflection, real good. I think I rang mum and I was like, I don't know if I should do this podcast anymore. And then six hours later, you posed for a dildo. So, yeah, you really turned your life around. Okay, great. So you've got a podcast. Everyone go and listen to that.

So let's do two more clues. You have been – here's the second last clue. I've been kicked out of a world-famous organisation for acting violently. Yep. When I was younger, I was in Scouts, and I managed to get myself in a little knife fight with the leader's son. We were camping in the bush,

and we'd had a water gun fight, which had gone swimmingly, and then it had finished, and the much bigger older boy, I think his name was Jeff or something, he bent over exposing his butt crack, and I've put the water pistol down the. He bent over exposing his butt crack. And I've put the water pistol down the butt crack and gave him a squirt. He was quite mad about it.

And he's come at me with a stick. And then it just escalated. Like everyone kept like giving us stuff. So then next thing you know, we got two knives. And I get my wrist cut. Great. So they cut my wrist. And then like they had to patch me up. Hang on, he cut your wrist?

He slashed your wrist? Yeah, yeah, he slashed my wrist. Oh, wow. Yeah, he slashed my wrist. Hang on, he cut your wrist? He slashed your wrist? Yeah, he slashed my wrist. Oh, wow. Yeah, he slashed my wrist. It was brutal. I've seen that little scar. It was right next to some pretty major stuff. Oh, look, I don't doubt you've got scars on your wrist.

That I don't doubt. Yeah. Was that Cat Davidson as well, though, or was that the Scouts? It's a new one now. I might give it another go after this episode. Happy World Mental Health Day, by the way, guys. I hope we're all celebrating. Hey, Mel, do you have a bathtub here, Mel?

Yes, I do. Yeah, hop in. Sounds good. Yeah. Or this is Ipswich, so you could just walk outside and mention what you said to Malcolm Turnbull about the poofs and let nature run its course. Yeah.

Yeah. Great, great. So you were kicked out for your knife fight with another child. Well, they gave me the option of, they were like, oh, you're banned from having your pocket knife for a year or you'll have to leave. And I'm like, well, I mean,

I'm only doing this so I can carry around a fucking Swiss Army knife, so I'm out. I'm done. Great. Okay. They booted me. Cool choice, man. It's knife fights or nothing.

I choose the blade. I don't like this much anyway. I didn't choose the blade, Tommy. The choice, man. It's knife fights or nothing. Yeah. I choose the blade. I don't like this much anyway. I didn't choose the blade, Tommy. The blade chose me. I didn't join the scouts to not stab some cunts, so peace. Yeah, I didn't realize scouts was full of cowards and nerds. When you were saying it kept escalating and then all of a sudden there's two knives in play, I like the idea of these bystander children

just with knives on them ready to palm off to someone else at a moment's notice to just escalate a fight. With a stick going, this is child's play. I know what will ramp this up. They're fighting with sticks and they're just chucking the stick over and getting a knife back in return.

Yeah. Yeah, it was actually four knives in the end. We both had two knives each. What? Really? A four-knife fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a knife in each hand.

Yeah, it was fucking dumb. Did you hurt the other kid? Did you get any injuries on him? Once, no, no. It was over. Like, once I got cut, everyone, like it stopped being funny and everyone shit their pants. Like it got real, it got pretty hectic pretty quickly.

But the guy who patched me up got his first aid badge out of it. Swings and roundabouts. He patched you up and then he fixed you up and then he got rewarded for it. He wasn't the one that cut me. No, no, he was another guy. He was a bit shaken He was definitely in

In no state to be doing surgery Yeah Right okay Alright So you're not You're not in the scouts anymore Right we got it Alright last one

No longer welcome in the scout halls Last one Last one of the clues is I once took a bath with a model A real female model I did I did She's a grid girl

The daughter of A friend of my nan's. Grid girl meaning what? What race? What are we talking about? Indy. Indy car. Indy car. Gold Coast, baby.

Indy. Right. Gold Coast, yeah. We had a little... Damien Powers' brother. Yeah. Does Indy. Yep.

Yeah. It was him. It was him, wasn't it? Yeah. Okay. End of story. It was him. It was Damien Powers' brother. I've got End of story It was him It was David Fowler's brother

I've got to say very quickly Models on the grid The call dropped out For like a tiny second As Carl said Grid girl And then all I heard The next thing I heard

Was Carl going What rice I was like Holy Holy fuck What happened here She was She was a full international. You're right.

You're right, Tommy. We could see you dropping out, so no one said anything in between those two words. So, yeah, you got the context. That's absolutely right. Jesus Christ. So, beautiful young lady. Is that right?

Beautiful young lady. Absolutely gorgeous. Yep. Stunner. Stunner. Great. Seen her at many of your parties and mum likes reminding me. She's like, oh, you know, you've had a bath with her.

Mum knows because we were 18 months at the time. Right. So, yeah. So, you did it with an 18-month-year-old last week. Is that what you're saying? That was, you were in a bath with a baby last week. No. No. No. No. We were both 18 months old right i think i was probably yeah it was it was a good time though but yeah so every time like i kind of i'd forget about it and every time uh

we'd go to a family thing and she'd be there like i've never even really spoke to her but mom would be like you see her you made a bath with her once what what party is he going to where a model is there and your mum's there with you? You know, I always need a chaperone. That's just a family thing. All right. Yeah, there's a lot of good... I'd love to know if there's someone out there

who somehow miraculously got all these clues and just – they didn't post on the socials, but they just knew it was Carr. They somehow – hey, maybe it's that model. Maybe she listened. She's like, now, hang on a minute. I'm a model, and I had a bath with him because that's the most obtuse one, and she's like worked back and forth. I like the idea that someone's got all the clues right,

but then they got to the Scouts one and went, no, I'm pretty sure Carr was only suspended for that. He wasn't chucked out. Yeah, can't be him. That rules him out, actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great. I think there was one guy.

I think Matty Persick guessed it on the page, and then there was another guy, I think, that guessed it. So two people sort of got it, but they then abandoned that guess pretty quickly. I told Nick Capper, like I was really scared that Brett Blake and Nick Capper would guess you straight away, and it's too, I don't know,

you should take it as a full insult that they didn't think of you for one second, even your good friends. Basically the only people in comedy that we deal with that know who you are didn didn't guess you yeah um but yeah i was i was telling nick capper and he was absolutely shocked and then he started telling me like over the top shocked i don't know why he was so shocked but then he started telling me he goes was there a clue in there about this story and there wasn't but so i'll i'll say this he goes nick, he organized this gig for us once where it was me,

it was Brett Blake, and it was Carr. And Carr said he'd organized this gig for us in the country somewhere, and we got there, and we went to do the gig, and there was literally one person watching. There was one person at the gig, and the one person that was there was working there, and that one person only had one was working there and that one person only had one arm.

So they couldn't even clap us on. Wow. I'm now, I'm trying to think what the absolute misdirection of a clue Carl would have spun out of that one would be. Let's just say I've had a big win on the old one-armed bandit. So everyone's going, oh, okay, what comedians do we know that have won big at the casino? Yeah, wasn't in the army but was close to it.

What about that? Yeah, there you go. There you go. This is a genius at work. We've just seen it in real time. Well, Car, just quickly before we wrap up, I do need to ask you something very quickly now, just to go back briefly to just over a year ago.

Long-time listeners or regular listeners will remember about a year ago, I went up to Sydney and I ran in the city to surf. I was raising money for the Children's Cancer Institute and I was their number one fundraiser for the run and the prize was to have some accommodation up on the Gold Coast where you came and stayed with us, Nick, and then we did the Gold Coast show with you, Mel, off the back of that. And I was very disappointed on the run day of the City to Surf that the furnishings in the Children's Cancer Institute tent at the finish line were very bare bones.

I didn't even end up meeting anyone from the organisation. My friend snuck me into a competing children's cancer charity, the Red Kites, and they had beers flowing, they had free massages, they had a much better tent. And so I resolved that next year I was going to do the race again and I was going to raise the funds for the red kites because they were offering up a much better, you know, finish line tent. Now, obviously, because of COVID, I couldn't go up to Sydney this year. The City to Surf didn't happen.

I couldn't go and raise this money for the red kites, which brings us to everything that we've been talking about. Now, this dildo, I do not want this in my house anymore. And so, Nick Carr, I'm wondering, with your permission, if you would mind me putting this on eBay as a fundraiser for the Red Kite Foundation because I feel like this thing was made to help out a little boy who's been afflicted with cancer. So I kind of feel like that would be fulfilling its destiny.

If people want to bid on this piece of podcasting memorabilia and then the money can go to the red kites and then that way, as a good future Boston pickup line for you, Nick Carr, we will have an actual dollar value amount that your dick is worth, that you will be able to wheel out as a pickup line. Now, would you be okay with me doing that? I don't have to if you don't want. Without a doubt, Tommy. You sure?

Without a doubt. Okay. No, no, absolutely. I was going to say, I've also got the three others here. You'd be able to say, my dick is cancer. Now, that is a good pick up line. There's one for every occasion. Like you've got the mangled one

that's like for if you've been hit by a car, then there's the one that's like... If you've been hit by a car, you need another dick that's been hit by a car to fuck you. That's how things work. You've got to get the shape right. Yeah, it fits in.

Yeah, so I've got three more here that we can definitely auction off. Okay. I think that's – it would be a great honour. Let's just say that – let's just auction one off. Let's not get too cocky and think there are five people fucked in the head enough that want your dick. This is the actual piece of memorabilia.

So there'll be – by the time people hear this, there will be an auction link live that we'll have on the socials and on our website. Now, I did just do a bit of investigating in terms of eBay's policies in regards to selling adult items, and it is a little bit kind of touch and go with what you're allowed to do. So I do need to say that technically speaking, what you will be bidding on is this box,

this pink box that probably will contain the dildo within it. Okay? So I don't know that I'm legally, through eBay's terms of use, able to say here is a dildo that some people believe has been used. I don't think that you can do that. So I think strictly to adhere to eBay's terms of use, you will be bidding on the box that says love on it that it came in. To be completely cool, I think you do need to stick that box up your ass, Tommy, to make

everything completely legal. To make it work well. I'm stoked for this idea, man. It's just another way my dick is going to make the world a better place. Exactly. Your dick's like Bono. You need to take those other four dicks with you as well nick car do not put them in my wheelie you don't you don't want me to you want me to leave one here like no all right fair enough they need to go i don't know where you're gonna put them but i do

not want them anywhere on my property. Thanks. I don't know, might make a good shoe toy for Ruby? Fuck. No. It's your dog? That's kind of what gave me the idea to auction this, because it's like, I don't want this in my house, but what do you do with it? I don't want to put it in the dumpster in my apartment building.

You've put it in your dumpster already, I heard. I would be a little bit insulted. I would be a little bit insulted. Oh, yeah. I would be a little bit insulted if I found out you just threw it out. Just chucking it out alongside a dozen Uber Eats bags that I'm also emptying into the skip. Now, Mel, I thought at the start of the episode this would be a good learning curve and, you know,

a nice opportunity for you to learn more about your friend Nick Carr, a fellow, a peer of yours in Brisbane. I'm feeling a little bit more guilty about it now. Are you okay? Yeah, no, I'm okay. Look, I'm glad I'm in a separate room. I think that helps a little bit to not be right at the coal face you know what I mean

you're not going to say goodbye to me when I leave are you you're just going to sit in the back room and I'll just clear up and walk out leave out the window Nick go out the window I'll toss the dildos first yeah I think

I think you're more than welcome to come back again as long as you don't ever bring any more weird dildos that are mangled into my home. Yeah. When I read the Facebook message, my first response was, I wonder what the ABC would think of this,

but, you know, sexuality is a part of life. 1-300-222-612. What have you experimented with? Great. Yeah. No, I'm fine with it. If you buy, if you're the winning bidder, please ring Mel Buttle and tell her all about your discovery on ABC Brisbane

on our shift in a couple of weeks. For sure, yep. Seems like a missed opportunity to not advertise the auction on the radio, Mel. I mean, I feel like that's... Well, it is for charity. Let's get the word out. It is for charity.

I'm just trying to think how we could... Yep, okay, it's for children's charity. I'd be like, and joining you now, a survivor of childhood cancer, a comedian, and he's in lockdown at the moment. Tommy Dasolo joins you now to discuss something. He shoved up his fucking arsehole. I don't know. Can I hear the Veronica's, please?

ABC Brisbane. That's it. Yeah, look, we'll see. But no, I want to know how much money this is going to get. Me too. Very curious. There was a few interested buyers, a few interested people on the social. So let's flush them out this week.

Let's see what happens. How much did you raise last year, Tommy? How much did you raise last year for it? Don't do this to yourself, Nick. Don't do this to yourself. I can't remember. That's a good... In the thousands? Yeah.

That's it. There is a certain number in my head that if I don't get more than that, I probably yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, like that's it. I mean, there is a certain number in my head that if I don't get more than that, if it doesn't go for more than that, I probably will kill myself. Let's aim. Triple digits? Let's aim for triple digits.

Oh, man. Yeah. I reckon we get it four digits at least. I reckon maybe you'll put four digits in yourself, but I don't think we're going to get there. Mum will bid just so I don't feel bad. Yeah, look, if your mum wants to buy your dick for $1,000, sure. Why not?

No, Jesus Christ. If my parents ever – I'm really hoping they never find out about this. I don't know how. Well, put it this way, Nick. That'll fucking ruin me. I was going to say, put it this way. My wife, when I said to her, we're doing a podcast now, and she said, who's on?

And I said, oh, Nick Carr's on because she knows you. She was just like, every time I bring up your name, she's like, oh, Nick, he's such a lovely guy. He's so nice. He's just one of the loveliest guys that I've met through you in comedy. And she's like, what are you going to talk about today? I'm like, oh, nothing. No, not much.

Thank you for not ruining that. I just found it. I don't know the exact, I raised just over $9,000 last year. No pressure. No pressure, Kari. It's a lot of money. Any pressure, just get that synthetic gear going again. I was just going to say,

I can't wait to go into the radio tomorrow and tell my producer about this. Guess who? Do you know who my producer is, Nick Carr, at the radio? Can you guess? Carr. I would imagine it's... Is it Kat Davidson?

It is Kat Davidson. It is, yeah. Shit. Fuck. All right. Yep. No. I mean, I was never probably going to be able to look her in the eye ever again anyway.

And she's been nothing but nice to you, I assume, Mel? She's been wonderful to me. Very supportive. Yeah. Yeah. Really, really wonderful lady. Does not tell me I'm a piece of shit ever. Yep.

Well, there you go. You work hard. You learn how to do comedy properly and things like that can happen. Yeah. Well, there you go. You work hard, you learn how to do comedy properly, and things like that can happen. If you ever have her on your podcast again, maybe ask her to bring a little bit of hose for you for when you're out in the car at the end of the episode. I've got my own. It's one I've prepared earlier.

Just don't stick your dick in this tube. Yeah. All right, let's wrap it up for another week on The Little Dumb Dumb Club. Nick, Mel Buttle, thank you so much for joining us. Mel, people can hear you on ABC Brisbane. Anything else you'd like to plug? Surely you've got shows coming up up there for all our Queensland listeners. I have shows on the 16th and 17th of October at the Brisbane Powerhouse.

The show is called Mel Buttle and Friends. There are still some tickets left for that. This week? Go on to that. Yeah, come along. Nick Carr's favourite comedian, Kat Davidson, is also on that line-up. So come and... Check her out.

So Nick Carr, save Nick Carr a seat in the front row, please. If you can do that. Let's turn Kat Davidson into a cult hero of this show in spite of the fact that she's never been on it. I just wish she'd been yelling at you while you were trying to get a hard-on with synthetic viagra. I will say she did on the podcast tell a story about me bombing one night at the Paddock,

which, I mean, look, that happens a lot. But she was telling a story. Oh, the best story. I was like, I don't think that was me. And then I later found out it was another Brisbane comic, Sam Bowden. That was him that night. And we just looked slightly similar.

He's much skittier. She just got it mixed up. So maybe she's not that disappointed in me. Maybe she just got me mixed up maybe that's if that's what you want to tell yourself yeah if that works do it yeah whatever i need to do to keep going yeah so you've got your podcast nick car it's called car crash go and Go hunting for the episodes where... See if you can pick the point where Nick Carr's heart breaks and the tears start to well up in his eyes. Go looking for that one.

It's a bit of a rollercoaster. I seem to have a few good episodes where everyone's super friendly or whatever and then I get someone... Ben Russell shouted me pretty bad the other week. I'm still copping it. I'm still copping it. It's a great pod. Carl, your episode is quite good, Carl.

And Mel's been on it. I've had a go. That's killer. Are we getting back to talking about the dildos again? Dildo number four. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.

And they've done it again. They certainly have. They, those boys up the top of the show, our support acts, have done it again. Good for them. I'm not too big of a man to admit when someone else has done a good job, and those guys have done it again. I'll tell you what else they've done again. They've run long again.

Once again, the sticky-footed bandits in at the little dum-dum club eating into the allotted time that's afforded to talking dum-dum. So once again, this is going to have to be another one where we keep it brief,

we keep it snappy. And guys, look, if you're annoyed about that, don't direct your complaints to us. Direct them to the little dum-dum club because those guys, they need to learn their fucking lesson this is getting ridiculous yeah i agree i mean two two things here i mean we're gonna have to uh you know make a truncated version of uh talking dum-dum so uh sorry everyone but i look the one good thing out of all of this is i get to

say the word truncated so that's something um. But second point being, look, I don't want to give it to the two boys, the two hosts at the top of the show, too much. I mean, there was a certain fat, red-headed idiot who spent 20 minutes talking about each version of his failed dildo. So, you know, they've got to cop that as well. Bit of a pause before you said idiot, almost like you were searching for another word that may have been but yeah now that you say it yeah i i should have been i know i know you pretty well i can recognize the signs oh no genuinely i wasn't

i wasn't but i was going to call him an n-word. You're right. You're right, Tommy. There you go. That does remind me of one thing. That reminds me of one thing that we did miss out of the episode. There was one clue. If anyone got through that episode and then went, there's one clue that didn't make sense. There was a bit of wiggle room. I was going to ask you about that.

Yeah. Right. There's one clue I did forget to go through. And, of course, the answer to that, what is the connection of the Wiggles to Nick Carr? Big red car. Okay. Yeah, okay.

Good one. Yeah, thank you. Also, as mentioned in the episode, if you hop onto our socials or on the website, I'll put the link in the episode description as well. The peg itself is now on eBay. You can bid for this piece of podcasting memorabilia. Or, you know, if you just want to, you know,

you can maybe display it on a mantle if you're a collector, if you like memorabilia. Or if you've just always wanted to get dicked down by Nick Carr and you live in a different part of the country that makes that undoable, this is your big chance. Now, I do have to stress, to get around eBay's restrictions in regards to putting up listings for adult items, the listing itself will be for the box, the special commemorative

masked pegger box, and the peg will be inside that. But the actual listing itself, just to throw the boffins in at eBay HQ off the scent, it is going to be a listing for just the box. And it would be an interesting scent as well, given that it is definitely secondhand. Do you have to mention that in eBay? Do you have to mention that this commemorative box has been definitely used before?

Well, that's the thing. If you mention that to them, they will prohibit you from listing it. You have to – because I looked into it. First of all, to sell adult goods on eBay, you have to email them and apply for special permission. Wow. email them and apply for special permission, which like, what an embarrassing email to have to send like, hello, can I please sell my dildo on your website? Please? Please?

Please? Imagine being asked for like having to send follow-up documentation for, you know, why you should be allowed to do that. But anyway, let's get on that. Let's raise some money for the Red Kites. And let's finally, let's solve the age-old question of exactly how much money Nick Carr's penis is worth. Yeah, yeah.

And just very quickly, what is the Red Kites again? What charity is that for? Who's that raising money for? It's for children with cancer. They help families of children with cancer. Right, a – they help families of children with cancer, yeah. Right, right. Don't quite see the link myself. Bit of a random one thrown in the mix there, but hey, I'm a silly guy.

Yeah, I don't know. I think this is an inside job. Okay. Look, let's crack in because we've got this marvellous truncated version, as I previously did mention. I want to crack straight into this segment we haven't done for a couple weeks sort of we sort of haven't sort of haven't we let's open up the old cbs mailbag tommy we go

and we're inside it. Now, of course, we've been doing the colouring competition the last couple of weeks, so that did come through the old P.O. Box. Little Dumb Dumb Club, P.O. Box 6063, Hawthorne West, Victoria 3122. Please send all of your submissions, all of your mailbag items. Send us free stuff.

We've copped some free stuff. Now, I'm starting to see a slight little running theme here. People do like to send just absolute dog shit. We're getting some good stuff. We're getting some pure breed dog shit coming in as well. Some stuff I'm not even going to mention because it's just like, I think some people are just like, what if we just fart in an envelope and send it off? It's like, yeah, cool, all right. Or is it a bit like, yeah, hard rubbish day in my street is not for a little while and I just want to be rid of this, so I'll just chuck it in the post

and send it to the boys. Someone walks down the street and just sees something and they don't even know what it is. It might be a half of possum or something. They just put a piece of paper and a stamp on top of it and chuck it in a mailbox. That's something. They wanted something.

Oh, that's content, boys. Yeah. So there's been a bit of that happening where I've spent way too much time studying the contents of an envelope going, what is this in reference to? Is this anything to do with us? Right, right, right. Is this just like you you're doing a bit of spring cleaning and you're like which bin does this go in the the normal bin

the recycling bin or well i'm not sure so let's just send it to the boys at little dum-dum club it's it's the perfect storm too of someone who doesn't listen back to the show seldom remembers things we've talked about more than half an hour after it's been recorded meeting people who are also just sending random shit in the mail. So maybe one out of every five of these random pieces of shit is an actual reference or joke to something on the show, but you're just staring at it with the big question marks above your head, just flummoxed. Paperclips?

Did we talk about paperclips on the show? If we have talked about some of the stuff we're getting, fuck, we must have a pretty shit podcast because there is some boring stuff getting sent to us. But look, amongst all of the garbage, there is some items of interest, I should say. Now, here's a small little theme that's happening as well. Now, we got some, what were they? Odour.

What do you call when you hang up the things in cars to make the car smell better again? What are those called again? Oh, like an air freshener. Air freshener, yeah, yeah. So we got an air freshener that was like Western Australian beer flavoured. Now I've seen this on social media, this has been getting a fair plug and now we've copped it. We got sent from someone who doesn't even name themselves. We got sent the Victoria Bitter perfume, deodorant, whatever it's called, the fragrance. Yeah, nice.

The Victorian Bitter, which is, of course, a classic Victorian beer, which tastes like absolute shit, and now you get to smell like it. Now, I think this is going in the same way. I was a bit worried a while back where I thought this was turning into Kappa's mailbag. So much stuff was being sent to him. Now I think it's been turned into Brett Blake's mailbag because this is going to go the same way.

This is going to go the same way. The air fresheners were going to Blakey. This is going to Blakey, I reckon. I think he's too loyal to the Emu export. I don't think he'd ever allow himself to have that fragrance put on him. I actually am. I'm curious to give it a crack. I would actually love that if you don't want it.

I'm fascinated. You can have it, for sure. You can have that. Well, that's perfect because there's two items I'm bringing up in the mailbag this week and we can go 50-50. So you get the – Oh, fuck. I've gone too early without knowing what the other one was.

Well, look, I think you're pretty safe. I think you're pretty safe. Okay. Look, I'll give you the right to change your mind if you like. But – oh, actually, no. What I should say is the next parcel has got something for me and you in it, although my item is much better. Also, just quickly, just quickly,

Bernie's kicked a big one. Oh, he has kicked a big one. Thank you. Thank you. Now, we've got a letter from CJ from Oxfordshire in England. He says, Love the pod. Cheers for making my morning commute 1,000 times more fucked.

Carl, as a Liverpool fan, I think you've enjoyed way too much success recently. I agree. Now's the time to get yourself a hipster lower league team. My club, Oxford United's chairman, Tiger, is from your beloved spiritual homeland and blagged us a two-year shirt sponsorship with Singer Beer. So please enjoy this beautiful away shirt from the 2018 2019 season and so he sent me the proper that's cool oxford united with a singer sponsor on the front nice little humor number i do like how it's from the 2018 2019 season clearly i mean that's now

two seasons ago clearly meaning that he just walked through past an op shop at some stage and gone, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, we should get him. Because it's not even the home shirt. It's the away shirt that's not as popular, obviously. Yeah, right, right. But I am a big fan. I like the colours. I like everything about it.

So this will be, look, this can be the unofficial second team of the show because that is right up my alley. I like it a lot. That reminds me actually, Brett Blake, he now lives sort of in between the two of us. I would say his house is basically in the middle, sort of in the middle of the two of our houses. sort of in the middle of the two of our houses. So he goes to a bottle shop that I think you go to and I go to as well. So we all share a bottle shop now.

I think we talked about it with Kappa maybe on – I can't remember if it was on this or a bonus, but they have lots of craft beers in there and they were individually photographing every single one of them to put on their website? No, that was a different one. This is one that's closer to your place. It's right near Punt Road. Okay. Do you know that one?

I thought that was the one that I just said because that is the one that I go to. Oh, okay. So that's that. The one I was talking to about millions of different individual beers is way up the road. So that one you go to. Brett Blake was telling me that that guy that works, the guy that sort of seems like he doesn't care at all about his job, he listens to the show. So I didn't realize that.

That's what he reckons. This is strange because I've talked to that guy several times. I've talked to him about Uncut Gems about four different times because I have a jumper that's got the branding from the film on it. And I just, for whatever reason, I just happen to be wearing it every time I go in there. And it's just every time I go in there and he sees me wearing it, he's got some new observation about the film that he's noticed

that he wants to get off his chest and tell me about. So there's like multiple times where I'm in there just this guy holding court at me for 20 minutes at a time about Uncut Gems. And so I've had a lengthy enough conversation with him where if it's that guy, if he listens, you would have to assume at some point he's recognising the voice and going, hang on a minute. Are you from that podcast that I listen to? The Uncut Gems of Podcasts?

Yeah, this is what Blakey says. Blakey says that that guy listens and he goes, yeah, because he recognised Blakey. And then he goes, yeah, yeah, Tommy comes in here all the time and Carl jogs past here all the time. What the hell? Yeah, so I go in there a little bit as well. So then – and when I've been in there, he's made small talk and whatever. I'm like, oh, this is sort of weird small talk. Okay, I'll go along with it.

But then the last time I went in, I went in after Blakey told me this guy listened. So I'm like, okay, now we'll have a bit of a conversation, I guess, about the podcast maybe. And so I go in and he goes, hey. And I go, oh, hey. And he goes, yeah. I'm like, yeah, yeah. And he sort of points.

Seen Uncut Gems? No. He sort of points at me and goes, and I'm like buying two beers. And he goes, yeah. I can see what's, you know, just sort of points at me and goes, and I'm like buying two beers. And he goes, yeah, I can see what's, you know, just sort of points at it. And I kind of think, oh, yeah, Thai, the Thai beer. Like, you know, I'm buying Sina beer. Like here it comes.

Here comes the conversation starter. And he sort of looks at it and then looks at me and goes, yeah, buying the same beer as the beer on your hat. And I go, yep, yep, you're right. You're right. I got the hat beer as the beer on your hat. And I go, yep, yep, you're right, you're right. I got the hat beer. And then that was that. I reckon Blakey's gotten his wires crossed because, yeah, if you and I are thinking of the same guy, I don't think there's –

it doesn't sound like the behaviour of someone who listens. But, hey, I'll start going in there because I actually don't go in there all that frequently. But I'll start going in there more often after we put this up. And if you're this guy, if you're listening now, you got to make yourself known to me next time I'm in there. Okay. I don't want to have no more Adam Sandler, no more Uncut Gems chat. Just get cut straight to the podcast. All right.

All right. No more uncut gems chat. Just get cut straight to the podcast, all right? All right. I'm happy for our relationship to be the same and for us to not talk about the podcast because that was my conversation with him where I'm kind of thinking, oh, this is cool. I'm the guy from the podcast you listen to.

And he's like, nah, you're a cunt that buys the same beer of the hat you wear like a fucking dork. And I'm like, yeah, yeah yeah i go get me wrong like i this is my sweet riffing after that i just go he goes yeah same hat same beer and i go yeah i'm the president he goes okay yeah i just go real good real good i don't get me wrong i'd rather talk about uncut gems than about this podcast with this. I just want him to bring it up so that we can solve the mystery of when – I think – you know what I think is the most likely thing? I think it's more likely that me, you, and Brett are all talking

about three separate different bottle shops. Okay. Right. Well, I kind of thought this guy – it sounded like this guy might be the guy and, like, he might be a listener because Blakey's experience with him is Blakey says he comes in and goes, have you got this cigar or have you got this beer? And the guy goes, I don't know. And he goes, yeah, but is it coming in soon?

Are you reordering it? He goes, I don't know. And he goes, well, when will you know about that stuff? And the guy's like, look, let's cut to the chase. I work in here a little bit. I don't really care what's happening in here. Like if something comes in, it's cut to the chase. I work in here a little bit. I don't really care what's happening in here. Like if something comes in, it's coming in. So I'm like, well, that sounds like someone.

That only sounds like a listener of the show. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. What a wonderful truncated anecdote we just ripped into there. Oh, fuck. All right, we're 16 minutes in. There's seemingly no apparent reason.

Damn it. All right. That was mailbag. Thanks, CJ, from Oxfordshire. And I'm on board. I'm on board. And I'm going to start to use that as a running top. So I'll be running in that top past.

Fuck, that's what's going to happen. I'm going to be running past that bottle shop wearing this. And instead of having the hat, I'll be wearing the singer shirt while I go in there and buy a singer beer. So this is going to make it... If this guy isn't aware of the podcast, he's just going to make... He's going to think I'm an even bigger dork

than a guy with a podcast now. I'm just wearing all singer gear all the time and buying singer beer. And then 15 minutes later, I can come in wearing the cologne and go, slap a VB, thanks. Just looking like even more of a nerd. Yeah.

No, you go in and show your neck to him and go, sniff this and get me the beer it's associated with, please. Yeah, yeah. Have you got anything in this? Yeah. Have you got anything that tastes like my neck? That's great. That's great if you didn't know that the beer existed

and you've just gone straight to the cologne and you're going into the bottle shop and going, look, bit of a weird one. I just, this cologne, when I put it on every day, I think, God, I'd love to drink this. Now, I know this is strange, but have you got anything that's kind of in that ballpark? Look, Barkeep, I've got a bit of beer Shazam for you.

Just if you can sniff my wrist and give me an appropriate ale, that would really help me out. Have you got any CK1 on tap? I'd love to just go into a bit of that. Some old spiced rum. All right, let's crack into – thank you to everyone who patronizes us on patreon.com slash little dum-dum club.

Keeps the lights on in here thank you very very much for not only listening but for for helping to make this happen this is this is how it actually happens uh because of you guys um so thank you very much you get your bonus episodes out twice a week and you go into the draw to have your name read out and immortalize on this show i mean there's only one way to do that that is is to patronize us on patreon.com slash little dumb dumb club. Either that or do a bit of a half-assed job in a bottle shop near us and get talked about like that. So it's one or the other.

Thank you very much. First cap off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Lucy McClare. McClare? That's not the way I thought that was going to go. Lucy McClare. McClare. That's not the way I thought that was going to go. When I heard the Mac, I thought McLeod. I thought Lucy McLeod is where I thought we were going. McClare.

That's strange. Real switcheroo. Real bait and switch happening there. Yeah. Look, I think it's a good sign that we have a female listener up top of the uh on top of the read so i i feel i feel pretty good about it um mclaire i'm i'm really not sure about that surname it's m-c-l-a-r-e um never seen it before and i i kind of my first thought when i looked at it was is this real i don't know why you'd make it up, but I did think, I haven't seen that before.

Yep, yep. That's a real stump. What do you think of the name Lucy? I like the name Lucy. Yeah, it's good. It's not something I considered for my child, but I wish I had. I wish I'd thrown it in the mix. It's the sort of name that, and obviously, you know,

everyone's personal experiences with a name growing up and whatnot are different. But to me, it's a name that it seems impossible to have a complete cunt with the name Lucy. It just seems to really, don't you think? I don't know. There's something very like, I don't know. It's always to me felt like a very pleasant, very nice kind of name. I don't know. Sure.

But look, I want to think that. But I reckon the first Lucy I ever knew in high school was fucking insane. And the sort of person that I think now, very, very, very occasionally my mind will wander and wonder where Lucy is now and wonder, is she dead? What happened to her? Because she was fucking bonkers. She was fucking crazy. So I wonder if she's settled down or if she's fucking absolutely brown bread or not.

But despite that, I do think fondly, that's the power of Lucy as a name. I still think fondly of that name despite her fucking it up for me early doors. If you have another kid and it's a girl and you and your wife bouncing names back and forth and you're like, what about the name Lucy? And she's like, yeah, I like it. What brings you to that name? And you're like, oh, just this girl I went to school with who was absolutely fucking mental, who I have a very strong suspicion that she's currently dead.

That's what I want to name my daughter after yeah some head case from school yeah to like bring the lucy name back on average to like good ah right right set that's an off it's a carbon offset of a name that's that yeah i don't have we ever talked about this that's it that's not a bad theory. The idea that instead of giving your child a name that has a positive connotation for you, you just go, look, I've always liked this name, and it's just a shame that a person with that name bullied me at high school. And I want to do one for the Richards of the world and give my kid that name and raise them to be an exemplary member of society and, you know, and negate that evil Richard that tormented me when I

was at school. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll have a daughter called Lucy and I'll just, my whole life will be just checking on her mental health the whole time and making sure she's never unhappy about anything. Just checking on her mental health the whole time and making sure she's never unhappy about anything. Just to really try and breed a really pure, mentally positive young daughter. Just the polar opposite of the Lucy I knew from high school.

Just to even Stevens the whole experience over the breadth of about 30 years or so. Well, I'll go one further. If I ever have a kid, I'm calling it Adolf. I'm taking this theory all the way to the top. I mean, why keep it personal? Why not raise an Adolf who grows up to be this humanitarian, just like Adolf, little Adolf, little Adolf Dassolo. She fixes the world. She fixes climate change.

She, you know, she cures cancer. Loves the Jews. Just really getting one back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Breed her, yeah, raise her to love Jewish people. That's a great idea. Lucy, well, I'm sure Lucy, Lucy McClare, I'm sure you're one of the good Lucys anyway. I'm sure you're doing your bit.

You're a bit to average out the good Lucy. So thank you very much. Well, I mean, I'm positive you're doing that because look at the good deed you're doing right now. You're contributing towards this show. There you go. Unless this is the Lucy I knew that's got, this is her new married name,

in which case she's trying to average out the good and bad Lucys by making the second half of her life good. Well and also based on yeah based on everything that you've said about that Lucy you went to school with would not surprise me at all if she was a listener of this podcast. Yeah

yeah. Makes sense. It adds up Look I'd be surprised if this is the first time we found out about her though I think she would have been one of the people the front row just like

yelling at us and throwing fucking shit so I would say that's not but anyway thanks Lucy thanks Lucy thank you very much

to Patreon subscriber whoa here we go what this is a doozy thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Maxima La Rosa. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Maxima. Maxima La Rosa. I mean, if you would have gone with, if we had John La Rosa, I'd be like, this is interesting. Maxima La Rosa. Jesus Christ. I can't even tell you what gender I think that is Surely that's female isn't it?

Maxima I mean It's I'm doing a bit of work Detective work There is a lot of Maxima LaRoses There's actually quite a few. Is this a fake?

Is this like the Alan Smithy of Patreon? Oh, maybe it is. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I give money to this. Maybe it is. Maybe it is. This is like some sort of... Well, hang on.

Maybe it's not. I'm looking up someone and it's like a... She's like a model. This can't be the same one that listens to us. This is some sort of professional, professional good-looking person. This can't be our person, surely. Let's take the win. Let's just say that it is. Wow, our first. Our first good-looking listener. Awesome. This is quite a day for us.

Congratulations, Maxima. You've broken through the throng of absolute bush pigs to get our attention and, yeah, a real diamond in the rough. Congratulations for rising above the threes. Glad to have you on board. Yep, yep. Maxima. This cannot be the same one. I mean, look, the one I'm looking at here that's a professional,

good-looking person, it lives in Melbourne. So that would say – It. That would – Can you send me a link? Yep. I'm sending you the link right now. Okay.

I'm waiting with bated breath your opinion, your, maybe your amazement on what's happened to you. I'm going to weigh in. I'm going to weigh in. What do you think? Okay, here we go. What are you thinking? What are you thinking about what I'm seeing on this end? You can see why I would, I'm a little bit in disbelief, surely.

Yeah, yeah, hang on. Yeah, okay. Yeah, there's no way. I don't think this woman even knows what a podcast is. There's just no way. Exactly, exactly. No way. People that look like this aren't fucking, you know,

aren't subscribing to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. They don't even like comedy. Is she in do you have any i have three mutual friends with her do you have mutual friends with her no i don't interesting oh i do you know what i do like how if this this is this is going to be this person what i like is that the initial pictures make her look like this runway model and I'm sure she is and everything. And I'm like, oh, wow, this is really, this is out of our world. This can't be anything connected with us. And then I've looked on another page of hers

and the last job she's put up publicly is she was in a chemist's warehouse ad. I'm like, oh, that's more like us. Okay. She's come back to the field. I'm now starting to think this is real. I really hope it is. Did you try searching, like, in one of our groups, in the Patreon group?

No, I didn't. I didn't. Yeah. Okay. Well, look, let us know. Originally from the Dominican Republic, now living in beautiful Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. Maxima de la Rosa.

Look, that profile is just nothing like our usual people. Like originally in Dominican Republic, now a catwalk model or whatever. I mean, usually we've got people who are originally from Cranbourne and now they're in frankston and yeah and they work behind the counter they work behind the counter a chemist warehouse they don't model for them imagine being like anyone who's attractive listening to this and then it's just like your favorite show and the two hosts of it like wow a fucking finally an attractive person

listening to the show. We are probably giving birth to a lot of fucking body issues right now amongst the listeners of this. Yeah. But hey, if it means that everyone else picks up their act and then looks a little bit more like Maxima De La Rosa, then I'm all for it. Yeah.

And, you know, shout out to Maxima if this isn't you in any way. And it's just a completely different person. And we're fantasizing that you're much more attractive than what you actually are. Yeah. But, hey, look, you don't know the page we're looking at. Maybe it is you that we're looking at. Maybe we're...

It could be. Exactly. Yes. Yes. Well, thank you. Thank you, Maxima De La Rosa. Whoever you are and however attractive you are, even if you're, you know, even if you're a two, doesn't change how much we appreciate the money coming in.

You know, money has no, you know, there's no attractive scale for money. So, you know. Well, there is. I mean, 50 is better than 10. There is. Yeah. Fuck, good point. Yeah.

Yeah. You can't say money, you can't say about money, oh, it's a real 10. Because, like, that's just $10. Like, 50 is better. Yeah. You know. Yeah, true, true. Look, and if you're not the model, if you're not just $10. Like, $50 is better. Yeah. You know. Yeah, true, true. Look, and if you're not the model, if you're not the Chemist Warehouse model,

don't spoil this for us. Don't tell us. Like, I like to think that we've got this Dominican Chemist Warehouse model subscribing to us. And if you're going to wreck it and just say, no, we've got the same name. And I do live in Cranbourne, actually. And I do work behind the counter at Chemist Warehouse. It's not great.

This has been the best thing that's happened all day to me. So just let us have this. Thanks, Maxima. Thanks, Maxima. Thank you very much, too. And if there is more than one person called Maxima La Rosa, that's pretty bizarre, I think, isn't it? It's a pretty out there name.

Especially living in Melbourne, yeah. Unless this is like the Dominican Republic, you know, John Smith. John Smith, yeah. Unless this is the – Highly likely. This might be the Dominican Republic John Citizen. That Maxima La Rosa is on every single credit card ad that you ever see over there. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. All right. Well, thanks, Maxima. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Tommy Gatti. Oh, man. I was excited. I thought this was me for a minute.

No, it's not. You thought you were giving money to you and me for a minute. It's not. Yep. This has got a bit of Soprano vibe, I would have thought. Tommy Gatti, G-A-T-T-I. Tommy Gatti. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is this your Soprano character? Yeah, yeah. This is my mobster alias. Yeah. Right, right. Where are you at with the Sopranos, speaking of which? I am, I'm not a very fast watcher of any TV show, and this is a shared show, this is a show for me and my wife to watch together.

We are officially one episode into season two. It's taken us seven months to get through season one, and we're one episode into season two now. You're almost watching this in, like, real time. You're taking it at the same pace that it originally aired at. Yeah. One week, taking a few months off in between seasons. Yes, that's true.

I really want to pace it out. Yeah. Yeah, I want it to take eight years. Who knows how long this coronavirus thing is going to go for? You know, you don't want to burn through a season in a week. You know, you want to spread it out. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's what I'm doing apparently.

Because I think both of us are sort of like, because, you know, we've spaced out so much that neither of us are like busting to watch the next episode because we're both like, what's even happening in this show anymore? We don't remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so both of us are then a little bit reluctant to make the big call to sit down and watch something for an hour. So we're both looking at each other going,

who's going to blink first? Who's going to say, let's just not watch this anymore first? Yeah, right, right. I think for my wife, she's probably not as big a fan of it because it's slower paced, I guess, because it's 10, 15 years old. Once you get to season four and you've really spent a lot of time with the characters, it gets a lot easier to burn through. Because you know what I mean? You're so in it. You're so attached to them.

But still, I remember even by the end of season two, only just starting to really, you know, pick up the pace. But I imagine your wife is like, I think you've mentioned on the show that she's a big Netflix in bed watcher. I imagine she's burnt through all of Emily in Paris by now. I reckon that would have been knowing your wife's watching habits from the previously mentioned DVD collection Under the Table. That seems like the sort of show that she was just demolished in one sitting.

Emily in Paris. Emily in Paris. All right. I'm going to find out. It's a new Netflix show. It's the guy that made Sex and the City, and it's about a young social media influencer moving to Paris to work for, I think it's a fashion company or something like that.

Do you know what? I'm going to tell her about this because I reckon she hasn't seen it because I tend to sort of pop my head in. I tend to pop my head in and go, what are you watching? And it's just, yeah, we had a big conversation about it last night because we were talking about how many different services we're both subscribed to. And I'm like, well, I subscribe to all these and you watch them. I don't even watch them myself. And she's like services we're both subscribed to and i'm like yeah well i i subscribe to all these and you watch them i don't even watch them

myself and she's like we're not subscribed to that many and i go yes we are and then i made her tell me which ones she subscribed to and she's got like four just herself including the the absolute dog shit one that's got all the kardashians on it oh yeah the um the one that's got all the Kardashians on it. Oh, yeah, the one that's all like reality TV basically. All garbage. Yeah, like Real Housewives and stuff. Yeah, my girlfriend subscribed to that in a moment of weakness. Well, she subscribes to that, but she was trying to – we were having an argument last night where she was trying to convince me

that it's a good thing to subscribe to because the only thing she watches on it is like an LA real estate show or something. And I'm like, but it's like a Kardashian version of real estate. It's like, you know, just garbage. But she was trying to convince me like, no, I'm thinking of investing in real estate. So this is a good show to watch. I'm like, no, it's not. This is not a real estate investment show.

This is like attractive people in LA looking at pools or whatever it is and passing it off as real estate. This is no advice. This is just rich people buying houses. Yeah, I think I know the show she's talking about. Yeah, but like the guilt that you feel if you're consuming too much television, especially reality TV, like the brain will do anything to justify it to you. It's like, yeah, you know, I'm learning.

It's actually educational. Like, you know, I'm planning to go to LA someday. So by seeing the Kardashians and the places that they go, I'm sort of reading, it's like I'm reading a Lonely Planet book. So I'm accumulating this knowledge that's going to be good for me one day in the future when I visit this city. Yeah, that's nearly word for word what I copped last night, so yes. And then imagine trying to flip it and being like, yeah, well, you're watching that David

Attenborough doco, and in a way, that's just reality TV. That's just evacuous. That's just spectating on animals going about their day. There's no value in that. This, to be fair, this argument was happening when we were side by side in bed last night. She was watching that and then she'd flip over and go, you're watching a webcam from Thailand. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, look, it may be thin on the ground, but at least there's some form of plot and character development in the Kardashians. Exactly. I'm not saying it's incredible, but there's certainly a great deal more of it than there is in your standard webcam. Yeah, and this isn't – look, my one, this isn't scripted. They're reality ones. It's all scripted. It's all fake. My webcams are real.

They're the real deal. They are real people walking down the street. Real people walking down the street. Real people walking down the street. You're one of those idiots to think the webcams are real. Like they're not all set up. Like there's not someone there directing those people to walk in front of that webcam. Damn. Oh, you're telling me last night when I saw that guy walk into Family Mart,

that wasn't off the cuff? Yeah, dude. Oh, man. The oldest trick in the book. The oldest trick in the book. The oldest trick in the book. Yeah. Okay. All right.

Well, thanks. Somehow we got there from Tommy Gaddy. Thanks, Tommy Gaddy. Thanks, Tommy Gaddy. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Wow.

Okay. Thank you to Laurie DeBleur. DeBleur. Okay. Thank you to Laurie Debleu. Debleu. Yeah. D-U-B-L-E-U. Laurie Debleu. Debleu. Hmm.

Okay. One of the very rare French-sounding people on this segment of the show, I would say. It's halfway between. I can't imagine going to France and having many people turn up to a live podcast of ours, but there's a slight chance maybe. Laurie DeBleur. DeBleur is kind of like it's halfway between a French name and then something you would see coming out of a speech bubble

of Alfred E. Newman. Yes. De bleu. You know, it's like the French Mad magazine. Right. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe it's like, you know what, Yoplait, it's French for yogurt. And it's just someone vomiting.

De bleu, it's French for vomit. Yeah, there you go. De bleu. Yeah. Great. Perfect. But, like I said, yeah, it hasn't been a lot of – this is nearly as out of the blue. Like a French listener for us would be nearly as out of the blue as the idea, as the fact,

that Luke Heggie is married to a French woman and has French kids. Just absolutely bizarre. Bizarre. Yeah. No connection. Yeah, his kids are like fully bilingual, aren't they? Yeah. That's fucking awesome.

Like anyone, yeah, growing up in a household where you're having two languages being like natively spoken, like not having to reach an age where you're like, you know, I want to learn a second language, like not having to reach an age where you're like you know i want to learn a second language but now like my brain is so fucking corroded from years of other bullshit that i'm having to like really like work and study like just growing up and being like yeah i just naturally speak two languages that would be fucking awesome that would be so i know i know yeah like the the the child care place that um little blanket goes to they're like, yeah, yeah, we're just going to teach two languages. It's like, she doesn't know one. How the fuck is this going to work?

Wow. Yeah. You get in early. That's where you kick it off. Yeah. That'd be great. You know when parents get in with kids and really get them to learn tennis really early doors, and then they just become those tennis dads. I'm going to become a language dad and just get my kid to learn 50 languages

and just be there at school looking through the window, shaking my fist, going, yeah, learn Spanish harder. Come on. Well, you don't even need it to be 50 because it's like typically if a parent is like you know forcing sports lessons on their kid at a young age it's because they want the kid to excel because that's going to be of a benefit to them in their older age isn't that you know sometimes often that's the thinking it's like this well this kid is my meal this kid is my meal ticket so for you it's like you teaching blanket Thai at a young age.

So it's like I'm moving over there with you as soon as you turn 18 and you're going to be able to like run shit over there and then I'm just going over with you. You're my meal ticket to a life in Thailand. I think there's a little bit of that, but then I think there's a little bit of people living their life through their kid. So it would be that regret of me not learning Thai when I was five years old and going, all right, well, my kid's going to learn it. I love this plan. That must be if you're living in like a bilingual household, as the Heggies do, you know, it's – I think it's an interesting

enough thing for a parent in and of itself. What's the kid's first word going to be? But then imagine also having the equation, and what language is it going to come out in? Yeah. Just truly not knowing is the first – like can we officially say that you know this child's first language is french because you know the first word was in french so technically they were speaking french before they were speaking english they spoke french and then they learned english at a

later date like like when um someone is born somewhere okay well that's i know you're on holiday and you just happen to give birth there but that means you're you're born in america which means you're american now well you get the citizenship yeah your first word was um la commissaria which is french for police station so sorry but you're french yeah that's it i mean i'm sure sure you said it in fitzroy but you are french yeah that's a disturbing kid whose first word is police station. In French. In French. No French being spoken in the house just for some weird reason.

Or, you know, it could be coincidence. It could just be the baby babbling and making noises and then it just happens to come out. You know, someone's like, hang on, I feel like I've heard this phrase on a Yoplait ad and then they pull out the uh they pull out the french dictionary and they're like fuck all right we've got it we've officially got a french kid and that is that is what that is my takeaway from two years of french by the way uh bonjour um bon ça va and la commissaire they're the i think they're the four phrases four four words I know from two years of French.

Which goes to show, yeah, if you do learn a language early on and you give yourself enough time, you can lose that language as well. You can absolutely forget nearly all of it. So thanks, Laurie. It's a shame that that works that way. It doesn't happen with English. Don't wake up in the morning like, oh, fuck. I mean, actually, no, I forget

words all the time. The older I get, the more times I'm just stopped in my tracks in conversation going like, fuck, what's the word? What's it fucking called? You know. You know what it is. You know the thing I'm thinking of. Yeah, yeah. Come, come. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That used to happen to me maybe once a year and now it's like at least a daily occurrence that I've just got no idea what the fuck I'm trying to say. Yeah, yeah. And then you forget the words that you're trying to use to describe the word that you're missing. Like I do that sometimes where I'll say to my wife, oh, you know that word that means that it's sort of like,

and then I can't think of the words that it's like. So my question to her is like, you know that word that means that it's sort of like and then i can't think of the words that it's like so my question to her is like you know that's that word that's like the other stuff that's like the stuff and she's like what are you having a stroke what the fuck this is a stroke yeah yeah and then the real and then the truly horrifying thing is if you ever got to the point where you forgot the phrase, what's that word for? So it's like you hit that point in what you're saying and then there's just silence. There's just dead air while the person's staring at you like,

what's going on? Is your brain fucking short-circuiting? All right, thanks, Laurie, the blur. Thanks, Laurie. Look, the time's blown out on this episode as well. Let's get this done. It's time for one more quick one. Sorry if we don't take a heap of time with this one

and you've been waiting a while, but anyway, let's get into it. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, this is interesting. Thank you very much to Maxima La Comedy. Wow. Oh, wow. Maxima La Comedy. Are they hot?

Have you got a picture there? Well, I'm looking them up right now. They've got a fan page. Well, they're a comedian, so they are, yeah, they're absolutely putrid. They are terrible. They are in comedy, so they look like garbage. They're a professional garbage-looking person. You can actually get antidotes to them.

Comedy 9 Real World 2. Yeah, yeah. You can actually get antidotes to how repulsive they are at Chemist Warehouse. So there's another link. Ah, that's good. That's good. All right. Well, thanks, Maxima LaComedy.

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