The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 525 - Danielle Walker & Ben Russell

Episode Date: October 20, 2020

It's the return of DANIELLE WALKER and our grotty little friend BEN RUSSELL! Danielle's given a questionnaire full of red hot stories to a television show, and they didn't use any of them so now we're digging through the scraps! Danielle tells us about learning the alphabet, her grandfather's fridges, and sucking down helium. Heaps of fun this week, without either of the hosts having to degrade themselves. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Ben Russell and Danielle Walker. We will be back at the end of the episode to talk to you about our Patreon, catch you up on some recent business and do all that kind of stuff. Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club if you would like to support the show. But until then, enjoy this new episode and we will see you in Talking Dumb D Dum at the end of the show. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. We've got two great guests joining us today. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Danielle Walker and Ben Russell. Yes! Now, I'm hoping we hold on to at least Danielle because just before we hit record, we just told her about the Masked Pegger

and because we're on Zoom, she just before we hit record, we just told her about the Masked Pega. And because we're on Zoom, she just did a pretty good replica of that famous painting, Edward Munch's The Scream. Or maybe the updated version is the Home Alone poster. Did a bit of that action. So, sorry, Danielle. Tell us what was going through your mind as you heard it, Danielle. What was racing through your head? Well, I just couldn't believe that somebody had actually gotten their dick cast for comedy

and that people could see it and that they weren't upset or worried about that and that they could go through with that process while keeping an erect penis. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, Danielle. I'll put you up there. What happened was Nick Carr still doesn't know about it, so if you can not tell him, we just broke into his house and jerked him off while he was asleep and made the model of him. Right.

Yeah. Right. So you know you can put someone's hand in warm water to make them piss themselves when they sleep. What do you put their hand in to make them get erect while they're sleeping? Yeah. His hand in lube. His hand was in lube and he just got a hard-on thanks to that.

So, yeah. But it was nice. It was in a weird way. It was nice to see Danielle's shocked response because as I was just saying to you guys, when you're this deep into the world of doing fucked comedy, it's easy to forget that what you're doing is morally and artistically reprehensible.

So to see an actual honest, horrified response, it was a nice reminder. Yeah. And to see you not walk out makes me feel good about what we're doing. I just can't believe he said yes to that. That's insane by him. Does he want it back? Is he going to sign it or something and keep it for himself? I would. what we're doing. I just can't believe he said yes to that. That's insane by him. What is, does he want it back?

Is he going to sign it or something and keep it for himself? I would. Yeah. If it was mine. It's, it's, no,

he's got, he's literally got like another three or four copies of it at home. So, um, took him five goes to get it right.

He kept fucking it up. So he's got other fucked ones. He kept coming in the, in the, in the mold. Yeah. How do you fuck up, He kept coming in the mold. He kept coming in the clay. He kept fucking up his dick.

2020, what a year, huh? Yeah. What a crazy year. What a crazy year. That was our, the Masked Pega was our attempt to take everyone's mind off that disaster and think about a different disaster. So you're welcome, everyone at home. Yeah.

Great. I'm looking forward to looking back on it in like a couple of years' time when things are sort of back to normal and just it really standing out for what a full-blown manic episode it truly was that we all went through together. No, for us, imagine if we go just hypothetically, oh, what if we got someone to pose their dick in a mould and then we chucked that up your ass, Tommy? And it's like, we already did that.

And then I'm like, fuck, I thought that was like a lockdown dream. I thought that was some sort of fever dream. It's like a nice little time capsule filled with anxiety that you've just planted. And so, you know, a couple of years from now, you'll go back and you'll realise that it's still out there and you'll have a panic attack. I have a question, Tommy, for you, which is so say you do decide

you do want to go through with a pegging in the future. Will you use that one just because it's around? Will you use Nick Carr's? I'm in the midst of auctioning it off. Okay. You've got to get it out of the the midst of auctioning it off. Okay. You've got to get it out of the house, otherwise you'll use it. Yeah. Open us up, Dan.

Open us up. He can't trust himself around that dick. Yeah, he's got to get it out. It's like a packet of Tim Tams. He's going to finish the whole pack if it's sitting there. Yeah, I'm just sitting there holding it in my hands going, boy, I can't wait for my ten friends from two households to see this at the park next weekend.

But yeah, it is currently being auctioned on eBay. At the time of recording, it's at $217. So yeah, I won't be able to use it in the future, but now that I know what I'm in for and knowing that Nick Carr will do literally anything for a laugh, I think if I wanted to get the actual man to fuck me up the ass, I reckon I could make that happen. I really rate my chances of being able to get that over the line for myself.

I mean, I like that you went straight to getting Nick to fuck you instead of getting one of the others that just didn't work out that well. I think you just want to fuck Nick. And just so we're clear, Tommy, that's not peaking anymore. That's just getting fucked by a man, just so you know. Right. Okay. What's next? The Lord of the Fuck has spoken. It's just getting fucked by a man, just so you know. Right. Okay. What sex?

The Lord of the Fuck has spoken. I've looked this up. I looked it up just so I was sure about this. I didn't want to look silly on the podcast, so I looked it up. Carl feel good, everyone. All right. Telling us how it's done. Dr. Carl good, everyone. All right. Telling us how it's done. Dr. Carl good.

Yeah. Hey, well, look, how do we get off this subject? Can I say this? Danielle, now, I saw you recently on the set of Spicks and Specks, the TV show Spicks and Specks. Now, you won't be seen until next year at some point, but you recorded an episode as a guest. Congratulations.

You're on the proper grown up TV. That's going to be on next year at some point. Yeah. I definitely think that's because interstate talent wasn't allowed in. Hey, you know what? I have to get something that's been thought of. Fine. That's fine.

Because just remember, give a thought for those of us that are in Melbourne that still didn't get on. You know, they can only get guests from Melbourne and we still can't get a Guernsey. Don't you even? That's fine. Don't you work there, Carl? That's even worse.

You're in the building. Yes. Can we get anyone? They scan the room. Carl, nah, let's get Danielle in. Yeah. What about the cameraman? What about the camera operator?

That camera operates itself, really? He's not winding it up or anything. I'm right here, Josh. Just aim it at the people. I think Danielle lives further than five kilometres away from the studio. I can basically see it from my house. I'm right around the corner, fellas. I'm doing nothing all day.

I'm 4.5km away. I scraped in by 500 metres. I could have done it easy. Absolutely. It's good. It's a good thing, Danielle. Don't play it down. What I did like was, I was writing on the show.

What happens is the guests, what they do with the show is they get the guests to like answer a questionnaire so they know what sort of field of expertise you have, what sort of music that you're into, since it's a music comedy quiz show, just so that they can talk about stuff that you might vaguely be interested or that you might have a story about or whatever. So they'll send a survey out and it'll have stuff like, it'll say what special subjects on the show would you, you know, do you know much about? What do you hope will be brought up? That sort of thing.

And people will say, oh, like, for example, like Ben Russell, what sort of music do you like? Just cum, a lot of cumming. Cum music, right. Just write that in. Just musical cumming. Yeah, just some musical cumming. Cum music, right. Just write that in. Just musical cumming. Yeah, just a little musical cumming. Just, you know, like cumming with a bunch of reverb in there.

It feels like whale songs, but it's just different. I'm starting to realise why Danielle got the gig instead of the rest of us. So people ask questions like that on the questionnaire. And people will say, oh, I really like hip-hop, I really like Kanye, I really like musicals, whatever it is. Now, or coming music. Come with reverb. Now, the question that was sent,

that was the question that was sent to Danielle, what do you hope is on the list? What special subjects do you hope was on the list? Danielle wrote tropical plants and my granddad. So she was hoping that the questions on Spicks and Specks, a music quiz show, that Adam Hills was going to open up the board to Danielle and Tommy Emanuel and fucking Tina Arena and whoever else was on the show and go,

guess what, we're all going to answer questions about Danielle's granddad tonight. Ben's coming answer actually fits more because you could argue that it's the product of people having made sweet music with each other. You know what I'm saying?

The music of love. Now you say that, I see that I've answered it stupidly. At the time it stupidly at the time i thought that at the time i thought they'd just be like all right we've done with music for a second danielle what do you think about anthuriums yeah okay so your theory is they've done speaks and specs has gone for about 15 years they must be sick of music by this point. What about Hydra Rangers? What about Grandad Jack?

Okay, right. You thought you'll be the one to help them pivot to a different subject matter. Yeah, man, plants are in at the moment. Rare plants, the market's gone bananas. I don't know if you know this, but they're going for literally, they're more expensive than diamonds at the moment.

Honestly, it's crazy. So, I don't know if you know this, but they're going for literally, they're more expensive than diamonds at the moment. So honestly, it's crazy. So I reckon there could be a market there for it. Oh, fantastic stuff. Fantastic stuff, Danielle. Now, Ben Russell, why don't you tell us about your specialty subject of cum? I'm so glad that you asked. Cum is... Well, Tommy, to be fair,

the questions are based around the subjects that you provide. So have you got any questions about cum that Ben could perhaps answer? Oh, okay. What was the last song you were listening to the last time you came while listening to music? What was the last song you were listening to? The last time you came while listening to music, what was the song? I'll press the buzzer and then Alan Brough will answer it. So Alan Brough knows what you came to. He knows off.

The guy knows everything. He knows quicker than you. It's like a musical encyclopedia. Great. This guy knows everything. He knows quicker than you. It's a fucking musical encyclopedia, man. Great, great. He stole. He stole your subject. He stole it. But, you know, as long as he gets the job done.

It's Alan Brow. You can't be mad at Alan Brow for fuck's sake. Yeah. I think he used to work in a cum store back in New Zealand, didn't he? Isn't that how he got so knowledgeable? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A trans-Tasman cum store. Yeah, that's right.

Oh, my God. But thanks to that, thanks to... So I saw through, you know, these submissions and these questionnaires and stuff like that. But that was the cool thing with Danielle's. You look through everyone else's questionnaires and submissions, and some people have literally written nothing on theirs, or they've just gone, oh, yeah, I like the Beatles, I guess,

and then just send and send them in. Whereas Danielle's is like absolutely chockers. It had like four seasons worth of stories within the questionnaire. It was like they picked the stories that they wanted for the show. And I was like, they probably weren't even the best stories. There's like, you know, there's another 10 stories that are better than that. So I was like, we've got to get these stories to air. And, you know

sure they could be on air on Spicks and Specks and be heard by 1.2 million people or they could be on here and heard by a couple of dozen so this is the next best option I think we're like the John West of podcasting it's the riffs that Spicks and Specks reject that make Little Dum Dum Club the best

yes well I mean it is the golden age of broadcast television that Spicks and Specks reject that make Little Dum Dum Club the best. Yes. Well, I mean, it is the golden age of broadcast television, so more people are watching broadcast television than ever before. Your numbers would be up there, wouldn't they? Surely? But you'd give Spicks and Specks a run. You should do a show of Spicks and Spacks at the same time. That'll get you fired.

What? What are you talking about? I don't know, man. You're the first people I've talked to in a while. It's nice to talk to you. Do you know what? Do you know what? Last year when they revamped the footy show on Channel 9

and brought it back, when it got axed, it was rating so badly. The last episode of the footy show on channel nine and brought it back when it got axed it was rating so badly the last episode of the footy show had less people watch it than listen to our episode that week we outrated the show which yeah which which would have been even sweeter if not if not for the fact that i was working on the footy show and was employed on it at the time. And you kept telling Limo that over and over again. It didn't help your case. Ironically enough, that week's episode that got more viewers or listeners than the footy show, we actually both dressed up as women in that episode, ironically enough.

Beating them at their own game. Yeah, you could really hear the lipstick on the show it was very funny it was very funny um danielle can i can i ask you now i'm just gonna i'm just gonna go through a little bit of a list of what i read yeah on your thing but because you uh you've got so many fucked up stories about your family which i love because i'm the one that comes on this show and has fucked up stories and then tommy goes are these stories made up and they're not made up they're just i just walk around and i've got a mental case radar yeah so you but your your family stories are the best they're your can you tell us about your how your granddad influenced your learning when you were growing up yeah he so i had to call him every night as a

child um and recite the alphabet to him um because he taught me the alphabet um and okay so hang on hang on hang on there's there's already a fair bit there there's already a fair bit there so you had to ring him up and it was a nightly alphabet call. So did you go to school? This is before school. This is like four. I was like four. So it was before preschool. Oh, my God.

And I'd call him up every night and he'd written the alphabet out so it was on my wall and I'd get better and better at reading it and then eventually I could just say the alphabet. And I was like so good. I felt so great that i rocked up at like preschool day one and um the teacher's like all right everybody we're gonna try and say our alphabet and everybody in the class started saying theirs and i started saying mine and mine was z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a T-S-R-Q-P-O-N-M-L-K-J-I-H-G-F-E-D-C-B-A.

So just one small question, Danielle. Did you grow up in a Paul Jennings novel, by the way? Honestly, very similar. It really is a Paul Jennings novel. I've heard you talk about your family, and Paul Jennings is a perfect... It really is out of that. Unreal.

Did you... So you turned up to school, and did the other kids laugh at the fact that you had been, I assume, deliberately taught by your granddad to say the alphabet backwards? I don't think any... Because they... I think they just thought I don't think, I think they just thought I got it wrong, the other kids.

The teacher obviously knew. You just got one little thing wrong. They thought correctly, you did get it wrong. You did get it wrong. Well, no, I didn't. No, she said the alphabet. I got all the letters in there. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. That is pretty funny. That is pretty funny that you've got the alphabet and it's not even alphabetised. It's exactly perfectly wrong. That's what they named alphabetised after. Yeah. Yeah, they really fucked it up.

What's happened here? You just had it jumbled or what happened? I guess, no, that's completely, it's just backwards. It's correct but backwards. And props to you for still remembering it. I guess, no, that's completely, it's just backwards. It's correct, but backwards. I think that... And props to you for still remembering it. So your granddad's abuse has stuck with you over 20 years later. So that's a pretty cool trick.

It's still my go-to alphabet. So when... Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. So when people say, oh, you wouldn't even know the ABCs of tropical plants, you're like, you wouldn't even know the ZYXs of tropical plants. You could have said that on Specs and Specs.

Yes, that would have been perfect. I don't, I think, the thing that is weird. Ilsy would have loved it. I don't understand why. I don't really understand why. We would have loved it compared to the next contestant that was talking about cumming. I mean, backwards alphabet's a breeze compared to that.

M-U-C. What I don't really understand is why everybody else in my family was fine with it. Like, granddad's like doing it, nana's fine, mum and dad are seemingly fine with it. Everybody, granddad's like doing it, Nana's fine, mum and dad are seemingly fine with it. Everybody just thinks it's funny. Like, they just think it's real funny. Yeah, so what,

they're putting you on the phone. Your parents are having to facilitate this phone call. You know, you're not old enough to be using the phone. So presumably they're having to like dial the number. No, I used to have, like, do you remember on the home phone, how you could just press the one button and it was like a call through to a direct number?

We had that. I used to call. Yeah, but that's how we did it on our phones. I mean, fuck knows what you got taught how to use your phone. I would do that and then I'd call. But I used to call for lots of reasons. Mum said sometimes because Nana and Grandad live like two hours away up in Tully and I would just like from four go press the phone button,

call Nana and tell her to come pick me up I want to come up for the weekend okay and Nana would just drive down come get me and drive me back up to Tully because it was better up there because granddad like was he was caretaker at the army camp and it was just rainforest apart from the psychological abuse obviously but yeah I didn't know that was going on, did I? Right, right. She was too busy getting fucked up in the head. I was too busy shooting pigs. 15 years on, brutal, but in the moment, fucking awesome.

Who cares? Honestly, all the other kids at school thought it was cool once the teachers told them what I was doing. Oh, right, right. They're like, oh. That got you straight cred. Yeah, it wasn't as cool when the teacher said, can you please do the alphabet properly? And you literally didn't know your ABCs. Yeah, no, then, yeah, I did have to learn it.

Can you, because you did that, you did the ZYX really easy. Can you do the forwards alphabet now just as easy or not? Yeah, I can do it just as easy, but I can't do it as fast as like, I can do Z, Y, X really fast. Go as fast as you can. Z, Y, X, W, B, U, T, S, R, Q, P, O, N, M, L, K, J, S, G, E, F, I, D, C, B, A. Oh, now do A, B, C. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P.

Oh my God. Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z. I can't do the alphabet backwards as quick as that. Yeah, you can't come as quick as that. I can't go. So can we just clear up one detail that I'm not 100% set on? Your grandpa deliberately wrote this out backwards to fuck with his granddaughter.

Yeah, he had it like a- This was by design? He had it. It was like really big paper, like heaps of A4s put together on the wall and written like a big Z and a little Z and a big Y and a little Y. So it looked like what a proper one would look like. And we'd read it together and then eventually- That he's deliberately put it backwards.

Yes. He just thought it was so funny. That is crazy. That is crazy but not totally normal for your family. But did you ever have a conversation with him afterwards, like when you were growing up a bit, and just a simple like, what the fuck were you thinking? I was four.

I was three years old. Like why did you do that to me? No, I knew he thought it was funny. He'd just say, I thought it was pretty funny. And then that'd be it. It's hard to argue with. What do your family think of you? Do they think that you're like, because you're very well adjusted, I would say.

What do they think of you? Do they think that you're the weird one? No, to be honest, I'm like my nana and grandad's favourite because I'm like the bush one. Yeah, because you never went to the police on them. You're not a dog. Not a rat. I also have one of my cousins.

There's like a tree out the back in Nana and Grandad's, which is like, I don't know, it's like the shape of a chair. And on the back of the tree, there's like a hole in it and there's a frog that lives in there. And one of my other cousins, it lived there for years and years, and one of my other cousins went and killed it recently with a screwdriver. So that's why I'm the favorite.

Anyway. Okay. We got a beautiful act out in the Zoom window from Danielle, by the way, just so the listener knows. We really had some brilliant mime there. Any QAnon-ers in your family, Danielle? What's a QAnon? Oh, no, I don't think so.

Grandad is not online. So my grandad's shed has like 30 fridges that don't work anymore in it because he uses them as cupboards so that rats can't get in. And on the fridges, he writes everything he needs to know on the fridges in he writes everything he needs to know on the fridges in permanent marker. Oh, what? Yes.

Hang on, hang on. So he's got his rules for life on like 13 old Kelvinators in the back shed. Yeah, so like there's one fridge and on the side of the fridge, because the fridge has got like three surfaces as well, and on the side of the fridge it's got like – Perfect for learning. like three surfaces as well. And on the side of the fridge it's got like – Perfect for learning.

It's got the dates of births and deaths of all his dogs, but in amongst that – Oh, my God. – is also the birthdays of all his grandchildren and we're just in with the dogs. Right. Right. With space for the deaths as well.

Yeah. And then like on another fridge. I like the idea. I like the idea that he learns something new or there's a new grandkid. He's like, fuck, I've got to go and buy a new fridge. There's no room on the others. He's got 30 fridges. There is too many fridges.

But when we went up, he also said to my boyfriend who walked into the shed at the same time, he just looked at him and then looked at the fridges. But when we went up he also said to my boyfriend who walked into the shed at the same time, he just looked at him and then looked at the fridges and without saying anything said, this is what we did before computers. That's great. That's all it is. That's all it is. He's just got a lot of tabs open. I mean, I've had

sessions on Firefox that probably rival a 30 fridge garage. Honestly, like, you know, I got the births and deaths over here. I got the shopping list over here. Yeah, this is the porno fridge. So the fridge to him

is somewhere between a cupboard, a whiteboard, and then like the back of the newspaper. He's tried to combine those three things into one item. Yeah, plus, you know, your information. So he'll have like on one fridge, there's a fridge that has all your abbreviations for different cuts of meat and fish

because he'll have killed his own animals and then written on the bag and then put it in the freezer so he remembers what it is. And then another is like all the ingredients needed for different poisons. Yeah. It's like a Queensland Willy Wonka's in there. You know what it is? It's a remake of Memento sponsored by Fisher and Paykel.

That's what it is. I need to remember things because I keep forgetting and I'm too scared of the needle to get a tattoo. What's the next best thing? I know. White goods. What's better than tattoos that also keeps my Coca-Cola cold? Well, this is the obvious solution.

None of them work, do they? They're all off fridges. Yeah, none of the fridges work. They're just used as storage. I mean, some of them do, the ones that are for meat, but then the rest of them are just for nuts and bolts and seeds. But my favourite fridge is my grandad believes that God is an alien from the planet Nibiru.

I don't know if you've heard that conspiracy. No. It's one. Okay, so it's basically like um so apparently this alien race their planet was dying because they didn't have enough gold in the atmosphere so they came to earth to farm our gold and genetically modified apes into humans anyway on on one of the fridges there is this map that he's drawn of the planets in order and they include where Nibiru used to be and where the asteroid belt is that knocked it out.

But also my granddad, his favourite saying is like, don't believe everything you read. And he doesn't believe in the Bible. He thinks that's a crock of shit. But he worked on, because he's like a tradie, he worked on site and one guy just handed him like a pamphlet, just print out from the internet of this theory and he just took it and read it and then immediately started believing it.

Right, right. I just want to say, Danielle, I think you got off easy with the ZYX trick. I think you got off actually pretty easy there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God your granddad does not have the internet because he would be... Oh, yeah, he would be a flat earther. He'd be a flat earther and he'd be baking up those Q crumbs like nothing.

Thank God there's not a lot of other abandoned fridges around the world that he's connected to that he can talk to. I love the idea of the staff in it, like the good guys or whatever, just seeing your grandad walking across the car park into the shop like, G'day, Mr Walker. Got a new recipe, have you? Grandad only goes to the dump for stuff, and that's where he gets everything from

He's that You know that type of man who can I don't know if you've ever met them Because you guys are from the city aren't you? Like the type of I'm from the country You're from the country Like the type of man who can just like

Make absolutely anything out of shit at the dump Yeah He's got this like He's made this big thing that We cook pig on the spit on And it's like this A-frame machine, and it's powered by like a whippersnipper motor. And there's just so many of those machines just around

that you're like, what's that for? And it's like, oh, to hold the cow still when I shoot it because my eyes are gone bad now. Your dad sounds like he's from all of the Mad Maxes. Like he's just a character in a Mad Max film. That's it. But, yeah, I quite like all of that sort of like all that story of your granddad, but then he believes in this alien god on top of that.

Like the rest of it sort of is a bit Queensland, all right? He's North Queensland, obviously. That's fine write down all your information on a fridge instead of you know on a computer or on a piece of paper i you know that's great that's that and i can believe that but the alien god for a far north queenslander that's that's a little bit out there well that's that's out there stuff tully tully and innisfail is actually the UFO capital of Queensland. Oh. So they had like the hoax.

You got the nod. Yeah, they had like the hoax Tully saucer nests back in the day and then they also, my granddad says one morning on Christmas morning in the 1970s, he woke up and he went out the front for his morning smoke and he looked out. This is already going to be so good, by the way. I'm already just, I'm just interrupting you just to savor this moment before i know what the end of this sentence is all the best stories start with someone on their morning smoke that's when you know you're about to hear gold christmas day in the 70s this could go

fucking anywhere yeah this is also the time where they had a pet bull called Frederick who they, he used to just have full access to the house that they lived in which was like a shed and my grandad killed him

because he walked in on my mum when he started growing horns when my mum was in the shower and then my nana had raised him from a car. So hang on, he killed the bull because the bull lived inside the house with him,

but then he walked in on the mum having a shower and was like, that's a bridge too far. No, so he walked in on my mum when she was like a teenager having a shower and he had his big horn so he could have like, Grandad was worried that he could have killed mum. And so instead of like making him an outdoor bull, he killed him. And then they ate him. An outdoor bull.

An outdoor bull, or as we call them, a bull. I've got no further questions. To go from being an indoor bull to an outdoor bull, it's too undignified. You may as well just kill the thing at this point, because if you don't, the shame will. What a savage. A bull that lives outside. A homeless bull.

You know. So, yeah, Grandad was, like, having his morning smoke. Christmas Day. On Christmas Day. Yep. And he said he looked up at the sky and saw, like, it was, like, a metal object floating in the sky. Really massive.

A plane for those of you at home, by the way, guys. Well, he said the shape of it was like the shape of a cigarette butt. So like not your typical cylinder, sort of like I guess like spherical oblong. What's that? That's very funny because there's so many stories of like UFO sightings and they say it looks like a cigar but that's like the north queensland version it looked like a cigarette butt they don't even have the imagination to think that that they they don't even know what a cigar is so that's all i know um yeah and then he said it like

went away real fast and so he's believed him says that and he said because he worked for the army camp in tully he also says all the time that the time that he's seen that at the army military base in Tully, he's seen that there's alien bodies that they have there. Oh, he's seen them? Yeah, he says he's seen them. He said they look normal just with a slightly bigger head. This will all be available in your book, in your book that you're releasing called Grandpa Be Trippin'.

In your book that you're releasing called Grandpa Be Trippin'. The ZYX of crazy granddad stories. Fucking hell. This guy's got the scoop. Why have we got the granddaughter on the podcast? Get this guy in here. Would your grandpa come on the little dum-dum club? He can't talk on the phone. He had to be interviewed about his alien experience. He can't talk on the phone. Did he interview about his alien experience? He can't talk on the phone.

He's got bad tinnitus from all the shooting. Well, that's because he shoots all of his balls inside his own house. If he did it outside, it wouldn't be as bad. We get him in here, we tell him about the masked pegger for about 15 minutes and then we get down to brass tacks. Tell us about the aliens, Chief. We tell him about the masked pegger and then the grad dad goes, boring.

What is this fucking? Is this primary school? Is this nursery school? I tell him about my new inside dildo. Yeah. That's your walking around dildo. Your granddad says that he's actually seen aliens. He thinks he's seen alien corpses.

Yeah, he thinks he's seen alien corpses. My nana doesn't believe him, though, but he's got tinnitus, so he's quite deaf. So she'll just, like, while he's talking, be like, oh, it's a load of fucking crock of shit at the same time. Right. That's an interesting sticking point in a relationship. Like, if you guys, if any of you guys had seen an alien body

or a UFO and your partner did not believe you, there was nothing that you could do to get them to believe you. Do you think that would be a bit of a sticking point? I don't know if I'd love it. You know what I mean? I reckon I'd understand that they didn't see it. Yeah. But, you know, because the implication is either you've made this up

or you're insane. So it's like, you know. Yeah. I don't know what's worse. If you've seen something and or you're insane. So it's like, you know. Yeah. I don't know what's worse. If you've seen something and then your partner doesn't believe you or vice versa. Your partner says something and you're like, what are you fucking talking about? Right. That's tough.

I guess it depends if you bring it up all the time or not as well. Because if it's just something you're like, oh, that's just one time I saw an alien, but I'm not going to bring it up all the time. that's fine well right you know what i think i think also it's a bit easier like an i saw an alien story is a bit easier coming from someone who keeps their information you know i don't know on their phone or on the internet or on a laptop rather than on fridges it's a little bit less believable when you've got, you know, all your life and death information on white goods. It's harder to believe.

I think the solution would be, this is how I would play it. You say to your partner, I've seen an alien, and if you tell me now that you believe me, then I'm never going to speak of this again. But if you say that you doubt me, every time we are in mixed company, I'm going to be bringing this up. Every time we're ever around other people, your family, I'm going to be talking about it constantly.

So the ball's in your court. This is the last you ever have to hear about it, but you just have to tell me that you believe that I saw this and then it goes to bed. Every time they have visitors over to the house, if they don't get gored by the inside bull, he starts talking about the UFO story. If you came over and the guy's like, I saw a UFO,

it'd be like, yeah, I'm sure that's the least surprising thing about this visit today. That's fine. Sure. Well, yeah. We did have, when we went up, because my partner's like from, he's a city boy. He doesn't really, he's never really been to the country at all.

City boy. And I took him out to my nana and granddad's. And he did not, he was. I've said this, can I did not. I've said this. Can I say this? I've said this years and years ago on the show, but one of my mates at school was like from Melbourne when I was growing up, like in high school, and he was from Melbourne,

and he went back to visit his family for the weekend. And when he came back, one of his classmates knew he'd been to Melbourne for the weekend, came back to Maryborough and then said, how was Big Stinky? That's what they called the city Big Stinky because it smells more in Melbourne than it does in Maryborough, apparently, but it's also bigger, so Big Stinky. That's funny.

It does smell worse here. Where do country people get their ideas? I remember once. My cousin's from Brisbane and once she came up to the country and I took her out to a party in the middle of nowhere and we got out of the car and she looked up at the sky because you can see the stars really well in the country. She'd never seen that before. Yes, of course.

And she said yep wow it's just like in the lion king but but that's it that's why you get so many ufo spottings but you're always like oh it's some country hillbilly that saw it's like yeah because that's you can't see anything in the city of course you can only see those sort of things in the country so yeah i guess also uh every this year didn't they they announced that there has there definitely is ufos like the u.s announced that didn't they or did they i don't know i just remember somebody telling the u.s released a bit of footage yeah there's a bit of footage where there was um air force people um sort of going we don't know what the fuck these

objects are i think that was sort of it like it didn't know what the fuck these objects are. I think that was sort of it. Like, it didn't make any sense. I totally missed that. You're a government and you've been sitting on that this whole time. Great time in history to roll it out. People very distracted by a million other things. Tommy, you've got to do the research, mate. You've got to do the research, mate. It's just there.

Do your own research. You've got to do the research. You've got to look at YouTube videos. You've got to keep watching those YouTube videos and people tell it. That's the own research. You go to the research, you've got to look at YouTube videos. You've got to keep watching those YouTube videos and people tell it. That's the real research. That's it. Tommy's been watching the MSN too much.

The mainstream media won't tell you that stuff. Fake news. In this plandemic. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Dania, where were you? You were in the middle of a story? Oh, because I took Jono up for Christmas.

Ah, yes. And he came out to Nana and Grandad's. And that was like an – because first of all, he went into the shed with my Grandad, and Grandad was trying to show him all his fridges. And I told Jono all about Nibiru and stuff and how he has to get Grandad on the topic because you've got to hear it.

And so he went and he saw, and Grandad started pointing out on the fridge all the Nibiru stuff to him. But then my Nana, because she thought Jono would break up with me if he thought Grandad was crazy. If the truth came out. Yeah, so she hurried him off. The Grandad's a real deal breaker all the time in many relationships.

In my relationship, the Grandad better be a fucking champion, otherwise I'm out of here. Hinges on the Grandad. I thank God every day that all my grandparents are dead and that they can't fuck up any more relationships for me. We went for a walk around the property and my grandad's really upset at the moment because there was a big flood like two years ago

and Blue Water Creek, which is right near, it flooded so much that the water went into his dam and Blue Water Creek is infested with tilapia, an invasive species of fish. My granddad's like the most. Oh, I thought that was another god from our story. Tilapia's not bad eating though. My granddad's obsessed with eradicating feral species.

So when the creek was low, because we lived across the road and we backed onto the creek, he used to come down when it was low and fill it with petrol to try and kill all the tilapias in there. Right. And he also, on the back of his ute, he keeps like a thing of roundup so he can get off the truck and just, he'll like see Lantana from like 500 metres away and just pull his truck over

and you'll just sit in the passenger seat and he'll just walk off into the bush for a bit to spray and then come back to the truck um and he's invented a special type of pig trap that only catches feral pigs and doesn't catch cassowaries um but the the tilapia got into his dam and jonah was just standing there and he was checking all his traps and in one of the traps there was a tilapia and I don't think Jono's ever experienced before the way my grandad will just like he just reach his hand into the trap pick up the fish and then just squash

it in his hand so that it died and just threw it off. Not just Jono. Not just Jono has not experienced that. I don't think anyone else has. So he doesn't eat the tilapia? Pardon?

He doesn't eat the fish. Oh, it's just a little, like a tiny one. Yeah, he just squashed it and threw it. Tiny ones are good for crushing. Tiny ones are good, the best ones for crushing. Jono, come over here, crush this little bastard. Just if we can remember quickly how we got onto this topic, Danielle, just to refresh everyone listening,

these are suggestions for stories that you gave to a music quiz show on the ABC. You might want to chat about in between listening to the Bee Gees. I thought it sounded different. Yeah, Hilsey's like, I was actually kind of thinking about maybe James Brown instead of all of that. But anyway, okay, I guess. I guess we can do this. And here's your grandpa and he's got a fish in each hand and he's going to crush them each to death in the tune of a pop hit from 1976. Now buzz in if you think you can work out which song this is. Adam, is that

how you are? Wow. I can understand why you didn't win that night. I mean, spoilers, but I can see why you didn't win. It was on silly things like jazz and hip-hop instead of country aliens and things like that.

Yeah. I love country alien music, though. What about now? I'm just trying to find the rest of the notes and things that you mentioned. Is this appropriate? Now, I don't know this at all, but you said you don't believe in ghosts. And again, another good thing to confess to Spicks and Specks,

the musical queer show. You don't believe in ghosts, but you have a very intense ghost story. Yes. Now, this might not have been appropriate for Spicks and Specks. Is this appropriate for the little dum-dum clock? Well, it might not have been appropriate for Spicks and Specks. Is this appropriate for the little dum-dum club? Well, it might not be that funny, but I think it's a crazy story. Okay. So, essentially, I was like four or five,

and I remember one night I was sleeping in my bed, and I woke up and my mum was jumping up and down on my bed. And so I got up and walked down the hallway to go tell my dad so he could come get my mum to stop jumping on my bed. Hang on. Hang on. So your mum was jumping up and down on your bed and you left her to jump up and down on your bed

and then walked past her and then went down to talk to your dad. Yeah, well, that's crazy behaviour. I'm not just going to... Right. I'll get it. She's obviously unreasonable if she's jumping on my bed at 3 a.m. Right. There's no talking sense to her.

Just abandon her and go off to a higher power. Yeah, I'll go get dad to sort it out. And so I ran into mum and dad's room to get dad, and when I got there, both mum and dad were asleep in the bed. Uh-oh. And so I obviously – I don't remember. I went back to bed. Anyway, from that point on, I started to get really obsessed with the name Edward.

I started to call everything Edward. Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. Hang on. So we just, we just, we went, we moved pretty quickly then. So did we go back and get into bed that your mum was? Yeah. Did we get back into a bed and lie down underneath a jumping mum? Is that what happened when we went back to the bedroom?

Went back, mum was gone. She'd somehow gotten from there to her bed. So I went back to bed. I started to get really obsessed with the name Edward. Like really, really obsessed with the name Edward. I wanted to call everything Edward. I wanted to try to name my dog Edward. I wanted to call all my barbies Edward.

There was heaps of bar fridges in your room all with the word Edward written on them. Yeah. Okay. And then one night my Nana, she took me aside and she had a chat with me and she said, she was like, why do you want to call everything Edward? And I said, oh, because there um man and uh he comes and sees me in the middle of the night uh and he he looks a bit like mom and he plays the harmonica to me

and he tells me jokes um and his name's edward and then my nana started crying um and then she said that her dad's name was edward and that he worked for the taxi company in Tully. He was the only taxi driver. And he used to come home in the middle of the night and he'd wake her up and play her the harmonica and tell her the jokes that the passengers told her that day to try and just spend some time with her because he didn't see her during the day.

And yeah, he did look a lot like my mum apparently. And yeah, because his uniform was the same colour as like the clothes my mum used to wear around the house a lot. But my nan is obsessed with that story. But it's like, you know, the type of thing where you're like, Anyway, Miff Warhurst, did you guess the answer to that story? Did we get that one? Spicks and Specks unsolved mysteries.

My Nana always gets me to tell it at family gatherings. And then my Aunty Lorraine, she always tries to one-up me with the stories. This is the episode of Spicks and Specks where the only music we hear is Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do What my Aunty Lorraine tells to try and one-up me is just this. She just said she went to a funeral one day and on a lapel she pinned a cross and during the funeral the cross went upside down and then she put it up the right way and then it kept going upside down and so she thought that was like the spirit trying to communicate with her and not just like gravity. But she tries to use that to one-up me.

Lame. What the fuck, Aunty Laura? She's an idiot. Yeah, she's got nothing on your story. Yeah. Your story's good at all. Yeah. You had a man jumping up and down on your bed that looked like a woman.

Also, you thought the likeness was so severe you thought it was your mum. Yeah. You had a very feminine-looking grandad by the sound of it. Yeah. This is a real spooktober episode, isn't it? Yeah. You had a dead person jumping up and down on your bed and your auntie had a defective brooch.

Yeah. God, what a shit one up. Anyway, back to the brooch. Yeah. I got to know more about this brooch. Carl's just shared with me the list of stories that you sent to Spix and Spex. Can we hear about this one here, about your great-great-grandfather getting bummed by Bigfoot? Can we hear that one?

Your great-great-grandfather getting bummed by Bigfoot. Can we hear that one? That was for talking about your generation. That wasn't the speech. You saved that for another one. Man, you know what this is so great for? It's because we've all been in lockdown for so long in Melbourne. I've been missing going on trams and just seeing people, you know, piss themselves and spew up and fucking pick up a dog

and throw it out the window. I should just be ringing Danielle to replicate the experience and hear about stories from Queensland. Yeah, man. Fuck Christmas with the walkers. Danielle, who do you think the people in your family would say is the weirdest one in your family? Do you think they'd say your grandpa or is there someone who beats him?

Oh, yeah, is he the weirdest? They would say my granddad, but I honestly reckon it's somebody on the other side of the family. But that one's too – I can't talk about them because that one's fucked. Oh, my God, that makes it even better. My granddad. A family member that you can't talk about? What the fuck have they done?

I'll tell you after. That's great, great Uncle Albert that's got fucking 47 microwaves out in the back shed with demons in all of them. This is where I keep my demons. Oh, God. All right. All right. What else have I got?

I've got one more thing here. One more note. About your mum and dad. Your mum and dad trying to get rid of a water fountain, Danielle. Yes. So we had a water fountain out the back and it was like a box in the ground and then it had um like a you know that's hidden and then on top there's the water fountain and all the water falls over that into the thing at the bottom and our dogs always used to drink out of

it because they liked the running water better and like a few times we get cane toads into it but and they're poisonous um so the first time it happened um though i walked outside and mum and dad had taken off the top bit and were trying to get all the water out of the bit that was submerged in the ground and the way they had chosen to do that was they both had a piece of poly pipe and were siphoning the water out manually with their own mouths and sucking the water up and spitting it out. Sucking out cane toad water out of a pond. Trying not to get it in their mouths, but they were occasionally. Yeah, well, that's what will happen when you use a straw

and you suck water. Sometimes the water will get in your mouth. There's got to be a better way. I reckon I was probably about... That's very cynical of you there, Ben. There has to be a better way. Yeah. I did think that too.

So I walked over and asked them why they weren't using the water pump to pump out the water. And that's the, like, you know that moment when you see your parents for the first time realise that they're big, dumb idiots? Yeah, that what they've bred is smarter than them. Yeah. And I got to see that. And then just them for the rest of the day just, like, staring at it,

just thinking about them ingesting their own poison. Dirty. Yeah. They didn't want the dogs to drink it, but they were happy too. But they drank it. That's people water. That's people water. That's people pond scum. I guess vet bills are expensive.

Man, that is fucking horrifying. Not hospital bills. Well, my mum didn't want my dad to go to the hospital one time when he drove the ride on mower. He was having a drink while he was mowing the lawn and he rode the mower straight into a barbed wire fence and then he walked up to the house and he was bleeding from his knee and then he passed out when he saw the blood

and then my mum came out and made him put his leg up on a chair but every time he'd come to, he'd see his bloody knee and pass out again and then my mum was just standing beside him yelling you fucking pussy and did that help or was that more of a hindrance to his health no i think eventually mom went and got our next door neighbor who was a nurse and then she went inside and just left him there. From some of your stories, your mum has a real Chris Farley type vibe. Of just like,

fucking pussy! There! I haven't heard her not yell anything yet. She was very angry my whole childhood. So she did yell up until recently. I loved it before the show.

I was talking to Danielle going, oh, this sort of slightly weird thing happened to me. So this might be like a good time to, if you've got any weird stories, we'll talk about that. And after hearing all of this, I'm like, there's no way I'm telling my shithouse slightly fucking three out of ten weird story. It does not compete with anything that you've said. Yeah, you can't compete with the Walkers. There's no keeping up with the Walkers. No, no, no. This is Premier League crazy stories.

I'm a fucking absolute schoolboy. I've got some schoolboy stories, not Premier League. Yeah. There's probably stories that don't even warrant a spot in Danielle's memory that if they'd happened to any of the three of us, we'd be in the fucking loony bin right now. Well, I only remember today, one of those stories that I sent you, I only remembered that today, which is essentially one of my friends

when I was in primary school, I went to her birthday party and she started sucking the air out of a balloon, the helium, and then she started talking and she was getting laughs doing the helium voice. And then I decided I just started talking in the helium voice without helium and said, Let's not live in that fun of this and do it without helium. Oh, Without helium. It's not even that funny. Listen, do it without helium. And then.

Oh, that's good. That's good. And then her parents started laughing a lot. And so I thought that voice was really funny and not the situation where I'd got annoyed that their daughter was getting more laughs than me. Right. And so from that point on, like, we were best friends from preschool till the first year of high school when she changed schools and from then on whenever i talked to her parents i

would only talk to them in the helium voice wow wow she thought so the parents thought that you were just a helium junkie that was just full-time on helium the entire time. Just two eggs for breakfast, please. Yes. And how long did that continue for? I don't want you hanging out with that Danielle girl. They moved schools because of you. Yes.

schools because of you. Yeah. Yeah. We need you to hang out with more kids that are on oxygen rather than helium. That Walker kid, she's just not right.

Yeah, she's too... We're not talking marijuana, but she's too high all the time. I just can't believe what they would have thought the whole time. And I only realised today that I wasn't just that funny kid that they had around. I was like a psychopath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly it.

Because you've got these stories where... I reckon the stories you know that you've told, that you've pointed out, they're the ones that you're like, these are really fucked. But there must be a hundred where you're like, yeah, that's just life. Until at some stage, you're living in Melbourne, you walk down the street and you realise that there isn't fucking custard pies in every tree. And you're like, this is a weird place down here in Melbourne. It's like, oh, fuck, that's right.

My granddad used to staple pies into the tree all around our house. That's not normal. Yeah, that happens all the time. Where's the lizard wrestling? How do you guys wrestle lizards? You guys don't wrestle. Is that just a Queensland thing? You wrestle all kinds of lizards, little ones, big ones.

Yeah, that happens a lot. Oh, man. All kinds of lizards, little ones, big ones. Yeah, that happens a lot. Oh, man. We just have, you know, those stories that come up all the time where you're like, oh, yeah, that's just normal life and then it's not just normal life. Like I thought we had a bird. Mum got a bird for Christmas one year, Mickey, for my sister Casey and the bird died on Boxing Day.

It had like sleeping bird disease. And so mum told... Hang on, hang on, hang on. Just so you know, that's not a thing either. Isn't it? Sleeping bird disease. I think that's a thing that your grandad's made up. Oh, that's a thing mum told me to make it.

She was like, she can handle the death. She's seen enough dead animals. Sorry, am I exposing you to the fact there's no sleeping bird disease right now? I'm really sorry, Daniela. That's the equivalent of the bird went to live on the farm. That's sleeping bird disease. I don't know why she just didn't tell me, though,

because I was in on the thing. She was like, Mickey died, so we're going to get a new bird. But then because it was Christmas, all the hand-reared birds were gone. So they just had like wild birds. So then we went, we had this one, we had this cockatiel for one day that was like the best cockatiel that would like sit on your shoulder and love you. And then the next day, Casey just walked out

and she had this vicious cockatiel that was just a wild cockatiel that we'd gotten. Right. That you just caught in a trap or something. Yeah, just caught it and then popped it in and we were all like, that's Mickey now. And that bird hated us for every year until we let it go. Right, right. Well, it probably wasn't wrapped with a bull chasing it around the house to start with.

No. Yeah. Yeah. I'm overwhelmed. This, like, at a certain point of this episode, I looked, I was like, oh, wow, it feels like we've heard so much. We must be getting near the end of the episode. I looked down at the timer. It had been 25 minutes.

It felt like we'd heard about six hours worth of stories in the the end of the episode. I looked down at the timer. It had been 25 minutes. It felt like we'd heard about six hours worth of stories in the first half of the episode. Jesus Christ. I need a nap. Yeah, yeah. I'm tired. You've actually worn me out. Yeah, well, Perth's interesting.

Well, let's wrap it up. One time. You guys have got chicken treat. Yeah, one time we got chicken treat. And that's pretty crazy. Right, guys? I saw a dog take a shit. Oh, God. All right.

Let's wrap it up for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Danny Awoka, Ben Russell, thank you very much for joining us. Ben Russell, you have The Grub Podcast with Greg Larson and Edmunds. It's a sketch show that people can check out. I've got The Grub. Check it out. Do yourself a favour. I've also been doing Twitch streams because why not?

Who cares? The world's over. Yep. Oh, yeah. Ben rang me one night and I was on a jog and he rang me and then he's like weirdly sort of like interviewee and I'm like, what the fuck is this? And he's like, you're on Twitch right now.

I'm like, I don't know what the fuck this is. Sometimes I'll just call people. I'll just call people unannounced. Yeah, I'll do that. Bond member, check it out. Cool. Adam Knox is doing it as well. Yeah, Knoxie loves it.

Another friend of the pod. Yep. Check that out. All the coolest kids are doing it. Everyone's streaming now, baby. Danielle, you've got a podcast as well. Yes, it's called Batch Bitch where me and Naomi Higgins

bitch about The Bachelor. But mostly we don't because it's a very boring show, so we just chat a lot of the time as well. How can you, I mean, I can't imagine you watching The Bachelor going, oh, look at this weird thing that happened this week. Oh my god. A guy dumped

a girl. It's so boring. But the new Bachelorette, right, she has been, they've made her into like a sweet country girl. But apparently she actually is like a fucked country girl and she wanted to enter last season by shooting a gun and then teach the Bachelor how to shoot a gun. And they had to edit all her social media profile because there was too many photos of her with dead animals.

And now she's just like... Oh, wow. Now she's just Australia's sweetheart. Oh. They've whitewashed her. Yeah, they have. Yeah. You've got her.

You've got her number. No. You've got to be a Bachelor truther. You've got to expose it. Maybe. Yeah. I might do that. I'll filter through and find like a reflection of a pig tusk in the corner that that is so much better that

now that should be a week on the on the bachelor where like you you take the you take your proposition back to to meet your granddad in the shed with the live bull with the 17 bridges with all the information that now that is a week of The Bachelor. That's great. I would love that. Yeah, or they should just have on the show, they should just have an actor who plays a kooky relative who the girl takes the contestants home to.

And, you know, if they don't balk at this guy just going insane, that's like the ultimate test. It's like, well, you know, that's your't balk at this guy just going insane, that's like the ultimate test. It's like, well, you know, that's your family. Oh, it's not my family. It's an actor. That's a really good test. I would love to see, like, plan an argument between two family members and just have them be there.

That would be my favourite thing to happen. Because, yeah, we always have insane arguments at the family dinner table. I would love to just have somebody around for that. Yeah, okay. Just a witness. You just want a witness. Yeah. Ben's on Twitch now, I think.

I'm not. No, I'm not. Check out... Check out the grub. Check out Batch Bitch. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again.

You're right. You're right, Tommy. What was your favorite bit of the episode that you just listened to then? I mean, such an absolute barn burner that it's hard to narrow it down to one specific bit. But I'm going to say the whole hour or maybe a bit more or maybe a bit less. Maybe a bit more. If it didn't go for exactly an hour. Well, maybe it went for longer than an hour.

I can't remember. I wasn't watching the timer as I was listening back to it. But I think 100% of the episode is my new favourite bit that those guys in Talking Dum Dum, in the little Dum Dum Club, have ever done on the podcast. Wow. That's your favourite new bit that they've done, the entire episode?

Yep, the entire episode. Yeah, I view it all as one long piece of comedy, one long extended sketch. And yeah, I thought they really, really nailed it. You sound like an absolute mega fan no wonder you you must be so happy to come into work every week at Talking Dum Dum when you you just get to be you know alongside your heroes like that yeah well you know that's why I started this show because I'm a fan of the little Dum Dum Club and that's why we started Talking Dum Dum

because we wanted to just you know chop it up and chat about our favorite show every week. It's an absolute honor to get to do what we do. I'm just a hired hand. I don't really care for it much. I'm just here to sort of, you know, the job's a job. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Keep me out of mischief.

I don't really listen. Right. You're just doing this to earn a crust. You're not really invested one way or the other. Well, I guess that's what makes talking dumb dumb interesting. You've got to have conflict in any kind of pairing. So I guess that is what makes it interesting. If we both loved the little dumb dumb club the same amount,

this would be quite boring. But the fact that you've got one guy who's just, his dick gets hard just listening to it, and then you've got another guy who's quite indifferent, has never listened to it every week when we come in here. In fact, you know. Couldn't really give a shit one way or the other what they've done. That's what makes it interesting.

The opposite. Sometimes I'm about to come and I just put on an episode of Little Dumb Dumb Club and I just immediately go flaccid. So it's the opposite of what happens with your faculties in a way. That's what makes it, yeah, that's what makes this such a dynamic part of the show. And now we've got to, of course, cross to the sports desk. This is the bit that I know that you have a certain amount of passion for.

I think the rest of it, the talking about what they've done in the little dum-dum club, you're not particularly fussed about. But when it comes to Bernie and whether or not he's kicked a big one, that's where I really see your eyes light up every week when we get into this segment. Well, it's simple physics. I mean, who doesn't want to see a big one get kicked? It's something that a very small child can enjoy or a very, very old man, like a 150-year-old man,

I reckon, would enjoy seeing a big one get kicked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a two-month-old seeing something big get kicked, you know, there's something in it for everyone. Yeah. If Bernie kicking a big one was a board game, you would put on the side ages 0 to 150. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little kids just watching it going,

goo-goo-ga-ga, he's kicked a big one. People on their deathbed watching him kick a big one and still appreciate it right before they shuffle off this mortal coil. If Milton Bradley bring out a board game version of Bernie kicking a big one, that's what's on the side. Ages 0 to 150, fun for the whole family and beyond, even people who aren't related to you, other people. Imagine that.

I mean, that is a great merchandising idea we've had a lot of you know we've had hats we've had stubby holders we've had t-shirts with this podcast the little dum-dum club take home board game i think is the next thing we should set our sights on wheel of fortune style and we and the public can't get it it's just guests when they come on when they leave the room they get a copy of the board game to take with them. That's the only place you can get it by coming on the show. That's what we get to say when they leave. And, of course, you don't – of course, Trevor Noah, you don't leave empty-handed. You also get a version of the Little Dum Dum Club board game.

That's great. Pitching the show to guests like big names and thinking that that somehow sweetens the deal. Now, look, I know it's an hour out of your time, but before before you just dismiss this offhand let me see if this changes anything for you you get a copy of a board game that we made oh well sign me up we're gonna have to get a little stick pin made as well because that's the that's the classic old school board um game show sort of giveaway so get a little stick pin i never really understood why. I never heard anything ever referred to as a stick pin apart from on game shows. So I guess a stick pin is just a pin, isn't it?

It's just a badge. It's a pin, yeah. I don't even remember that as a thing, the ex-contestants getting a pin. That seems to sort of suggest that there's some kind of Freemason-style secret society of like ex-wheel of fortune contestants where there's like a clubhouse where you can get together or, you know, you go to the spaghetti tree and you get like 20% off your bill at the end of the meal for

having been on a game show four decades ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, they do the secret handshake and then they're like, hang on a minute, you bought a vow, you fucking loser. You don't get to come in here. You're a fucking quitter. Yeah, that'd be good. I don't mind that as like a little thing in the middle of the game.

Basically, you roll the dice so there's some sort of function in the middle of the board game where Bernie kicks a big one or a small one. A lot of it hinges on that. That'd be good if there was some sort of like little rotating little stick figure of Bernie in the middle of the board game and he would physically, it's like a bit like Test Match, you know that board game Test Match, you got a little bit of that, like your bowl one to Bernie and then you try and kick a big one off that. That would be good.

Yeah, it'd be nice. I'd like to see some kind of like mousetrap style set up where it's like Bernie on one end and then the ball is just kind of like going through a lot of like ramps and, you know, roller coasters and things of that nature. That'd be good stuff. That'd be pretty good stuff. Yeah. All right. Well, let's encourage Milton Bradley and the Parker brothers to fight it out

amongst the two of them. We can suggest a few other things. I mean, I guess – what else would there be? What else would there be? I guess part of the game – like if you had that, if you had that like a mouse game sort of – a mousetrap sort of setup, part of it would like deliberately not work ever because that would be like our tech fucking up at live shows or something like that that would be good yeah you'd want there to be

some form of snakes and ladders element so where it's like you know go up a ladder appearing on the project but then it's like snake global pandemic means that your 500th podcast can't go ahead on the scheduled date go all the the way back to start, you know. Yeah, or the next one. Well, that's it. Then you get a replacement date, so you go up the ladder again, and there's like – and the snakes always outweigh the ladders by a ratio of about five to one.

Predominantly snakes is the name of our version. Predominantly snakes and a smattering of ladders. Yeah, yeah. In fact, it's probably a good question to say, is that a ladder when there's only one step? Does that qualify as a ladder? Right, right. I think that's just a bit of wood that you're standing on.

It's a stool. Yeah. Snakes and stools. And there's a good double meaning there too. Snakes, yeah. I think even stools is probably a bit big. Snakes and boards of wood. Little things that you can basically make yourself little high heels out of.

That's about it. Yep. Snakes and planks. Yeah, snakes and planks. But not planks that are like long ways. Planks that are edgeways. No, not too. Edgeway planks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Snakes and edgeway planks. Yeah. Yeah, there we go. Catchy, catchy stuff. Long snakes. The little dum-dum club take-home board game. Yeah, long, long snakes and edgeway planks.

And shit-ass planks. There you go. And some of the planks have got, like, rusty nails sticking out of them as well. Anyway, Hughsy, thanks for... Anyway, Hughsy, thanks for doing the show. Now, here's your copy of the board game. Take that home. Enjoy that with the family. Let us know how the show. Now, here's your copy of the board game. Take that home. Enjoy that with the family.

Let us know how it goes. Sorry, boys. What's the name of that board game again? Long Snakes and Shit House Planks with Rusty Nails sticking out of them. Great, great. Colon, the Little Dumb Dumb Club take home board game. Great, great. Okay, thanks, boys.

Open up. Open up the city. Oh, mercy. Shout out to Dave Hughes' Twitter feed. A really good one. If you ever think you're struggling in lockdown, just give yourself a treat and have a look at someone doing it worse off than you. Yeah, that's it.

Many times I've thought to myself, you know what, I'm having a really bad mental health day, but you know what, it could be worse. I could be a millionaire with a loving family. And fully employed. Spare a thought for those less fortunate, the people who really haven't lost too much of anything in all of this. really haven't lost too much of anything in all of this. I'd say it's behind the curtain, but it's on a public Twitter feed.

Speaking of those less fortunate, by the time this comes out, there will be, I believe, a couple of days left to bid on the eBay auction of the peg. Nick Carr's model of his penis, his dildo, that he got made for the Masked Peg segment. It is currently at the time of recording on $217. Just an absolutely, like, for what you're getting, a crazy amount, a really crazy amount for the person that it's a model of.

It's a bit of history, though. I mean, it's like we talked about it for weeks and weeks. You've got Tommy's anal DNA all over it. Absolutely smothering all over it. Like a thick, thick layer of Vegemite completely all over it. I presume Tommy's washed it to some degree. There's a chance that when I die, you'll be able to Jurassic Park style use that to bring me back and create a clone of me.

Or make more of Tommy's shit. I don't know. I don't know how that would work. Just a big theme park full of Tommy's shit that's just out of control. Yeah, giant, just huge. But yeah, so get on that. If you would like to bid, there's a couple of days left

and the money is going to the Red Kite Children's Cancer Charity. The links are on littledumbdumbclub.com and on our socials and whatnot. But yeah, let's get this thing really popping. I'm looking forward to giving them a big check and then I will be calling the red card to let them know exactly where the money came from and what the backstory is behind it. So that'll be a fun day for me to just fully fill them in

on everything that's happened. Well, you know, you fill them in, car filled you in, you know, what comes around goes around. I told someone I was doing that and they were like that that was my plan and they're like but what won't they just what if they like reject the money off the back of that i'm like honestly i great if they if they turned around and went we actually we don't want this dick money we like we can't be we can't be accepting the money if it's come from this purpose for our cancer charity then then great, I'm all for it.

How are you going to transmit that information? Are you going to ring them? Are you going to email them? How are you going to let them know? How are you going to educate them? I was planning to email, but yeah, maybe I'll call them. I guess email, you've got a nice little paper trail. So, you know, you'll get an email back and you'll be able to read that out.

I'm not good over the phone. Like, you know, I'd sort of – I'd get nervous and I'd bungle the call. I mean, although that would be kind of interesting to see how long into that exchange I can get before they hang up on me. But probably if I want to like accurately convey the information, I think email is the way to go. All right. All right. Well, I look forward to hearing that email. Hey, look, I don't know if there's –

I know there's a lot to talk about off the back of the Little Dunlop Club episode that I know you'd like to talk about. But why don't we just crack into the Patreon segment instead this week? Sure. Of course, you guys out there, thank you very much for contributing to our patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. You make this happen.

You literally make this happen. We are, in the early days, we did this for free and we were happy to. Now, we would be absolutely ropeable to do this shit for free. So, we get, this is our job. This is the only way we turn the mics on and talk to each other in any way is if we get paid now if i ever if i ever accidentally walk past you in the street and i think i should say hi and then i think hang on how much am i getting

out of this nothing right yeah yeah you you if you have something to say to me you have to find someone nearby to give you money to be like, okay, now I'm getting paid. I can actually tell him that I got a great car park just around the corner. Yeah, yes. But otherwise, without that money, it's just like, what's the fucking point? You keep walking. Sometimes you'll ring me up to go, when are we recording this week? Is it Tuesday or Wednesday?

And then I go, ah, ah, ah, and then I have to wait for you to PayPal me five bucks and then I'll give you the information. Yes, yes, yes. Because that's, yeah, that's what people don't realize when they support us on Patreon. It doesn't just go to funding the show itself. It goes to funding the interactions that we have to have in order to organize doing the show. So it's like, yeah. Yeah.

We have to pay each other. It's a pretty big chain of command. Yeah. Yeah. It's, yeah, It gets pretty messy. Our tax is a nightmare. To explain to an accountant all of these money in and money out, I have to change accountants every year.

There's been strong suggestions that it's just a laundering front, and honestly I can't blame people for thinking that with how complex it is. Yeah. Money laundering would be good for Kappaappa there's two things that he doesn't have yep yep yep it's comedy um all right let's crack in of course thank you to all all people that um subscribe to us on patreon.com slash a littlelop club. And thank you to any new people. There's always new people signing up. Really appreciate that.

And of course, during these troubled times, a lot of people signing up because we put out more bonus content than ever. So get into that. There's a bunch in the archives. We're putting out two mini episodes a week. And you know what? They're a lot of fun. Some would say they're a lot looser than the normal episodes because we don't have any of those constraints where, you know,

the guys in, you know, the suits in Podcast Central aren't looking over our shoulders and going, what are you boys doing? You know, you've got to follow the rules. Whereas in the Patreon apps, it's like, no one's watching. We're recording it in the dead of night. Well, it's the difference between watching Big Brother at 7pm versus watching the up late where they're just giving you the live feed and you get to see people getting their genitals out

and rub them on someone's face while they sleep. That's the big difference whereas you know maybe yeah it's the difference between watching 10 peach repeats of seinfeld and watching and getting on red tube and watching the full version of seinfeld colon a triple x parody yes yes exactly that's the best way of putting it so i mean that's yeah in more ways than one because a lot of them we've talked about um i think we've done like three or four in a row where we've talked in some form or another about pornos finding pornos when we were younger uh the most recent one was a lot of talk about pammy um so get in, guys. It's good highbrow stuff. It's a really clever show, dare I say it.

Yeah. If Little Dum Dum Club is a bit too highbrow for you, I do recommend getting into the Patreon episodes where we really sort of loosen the tie and take off the jacket and just have the open shirt showing our sort of very mildly hairy chest and roll up the sleeves. Yep. Yep.

It's... Yep. And get stuck in. Yeah. And talk about being horny when we were 15 for most episodes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so, yes, you can do that right now,.com slash little dum-dum club and in addition to

the two bonus episodes per week you also go into the draw to get your name read out on the podcast the name gets fed in to the unplanned title alternator a sophisticated and very expensive piece of machinery that we've acquired to make sure that things are fair. Absolutely. Just before I read out the first name, Tommy, can I ask for a quick update from last week on Talking Dum Dum? Any correspondence from the bottle shop guy? Oh, yeah.

Actually, I was in there yesterday, actually, and no glimmer of recognition from it. I think we're thinking about different guys. It's not the guy I'm thinking about. That's very interesting. Okay, all right, because I talked to Brett Blake about him as well, and, yeah, he said he's been in there. He's seen him a lot.

So I don't know. I'm not sure he's been in there. He's seen him a lot. So I don't know. I'm not sure what's going on there. I know I went in there because this is, that's sort of my new local to go and get beer from and I've wiped them clean of Thai beer now because they're like a little boutique sort of shop. I bought all their Thai beer and I've had to buy this really bullshit Thai beer now

that I don't think is drinkable. It's fucking horrible. Oh, wow. You know that... What is it? Name and shame them. Yeah, I'll tell you what it is. Do you know that phenomenon...

What was it? You know like Carlton Cold? You know how you'd have Carlton Draft and then Carlton Cold where they'd say, oh, you've got this new crystal version of the beer. I don't know what that means, the crystal. Do you know what I'm talking about? I don't. I mean, I know what you're talking about,

but I don't know what the difference is. Yeah, right. I don't think I ever had it. You know of it. I know the product. You know the phenomenon. I don't know what the crystal thing is meant to mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I had to buy Tiger Crystal, and I was like, I'm pretty sure this is going to be shit. And it was terrible. It was fucking terrible. I had to abandon beer. But hey, they were on special or whatever the fuck that bottle shop was for $2 a beer. So I got terrible beer, but it was cheap. Here's your first warning.

If an imported beer is roughly the same price that it would be in the third world country that it's from, that's a warning sign right there. Actually, yeah, that could be cheaper. It's probably cheaper than buying it in Koh Samui. Yeah, that's a warning sign. That's not a good sign. Not a good sign at all. Okay, well, that's a shame.

Yeah, that's on me, I guess. All right. Let's crack in. I've warmed up the UTA. Let's get our first name out. Okay, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Andrew Scott.

Andrew Scott? Yeah. Haven't dished out something easy to start with, have I? Next. Okay, that was easy. Pass. Do you think some of these people feel a bit of pressure when they sign up?

They go, I mean, look, I would like to get all that bonus content. I would like to support the show. But I feel a bit bad that I've got nothing that the boys are going to get to work with. I'm fucking them over a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'd like to see a bit more of people when they sign up attaching an apology. You know what I mean? If you know that you're packing a dud name. Would you like to see a bit more of um people when they sign up attaching an apology you know what i

mean if you know that you're packing a dud name would you like just at least would you like to hear a bit of andrew danger scott would you have preferred that i put in all honesty i probably would at least there'd be a bit more there to we could riff on the kind of person that you know that does that as a joke. You know what I mean? There's something there. That might lead us into something. Whereas all we've got at this juncture is just two dull male first names.

There's really nothing to work with. Some of it just sounds like a solicitor. Some of it doesn't. There's not a lot of adventure there. There's not a lot of adventure there. It's, I mean, Andrew, Scott, they're just two pretty basic names of, you know, if I went to school with either person called Andrew or Scott, I'd be like, yeah, that's one of those sort of six out of ten guys that you go to high school with and then you never talk to again once you leave.

And 20 years later, there's a school reunion and you don't even talk to them then yeah isn't it weird to think about someone like that from your high school it's just like an absolute you know background um character and then you really you know you haven't thought you know they pop into your head for some reason you're like i haven't thought of this person for you know 20 years or whatever and you know they just moved in different circles but just seemed like absolute you know just wallpaper at the school but then to them they're the main character you know what i mean and like you and i we're probably that wallflower to them like it's just crazy to think of like just this just an extra a featured extra i do i do think about that sometimes when I think of like, you know, what a weird field that we're in.

And when I was, you know, 16, 17, I would never have dreamt that this is what I was going to do for a living. But as much as I didn't dream I would do that, I would imagine everyone I went to school with wouldn't dream that I would have done that either. Oh, really? What do you think people at your school would have thought that you'd end up doing? I don't know. I don't know.

I've got no idea. But I just – I would love to somehow hear from these people that I have nothing to do with for the last 25 years or more, 30 years nearly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just go like, it must be so weird. If that was me, if I was going to school with someone and I sort of looked at them and went, oh yeah, they're okay. They're just like another guy or whatever.

And then I heard that they were like a stand-up comedian. I would be like, this is insane. This is crazy. Yeah, right right right do you want to see let me see if i can quickly find this my dad sent me this the other day uh i drew a lot when i was in um school and i won the competition My school had a competition to design the school magazine cover. And let me see if I can get this to work. I'm trying to show it to you over screen share. My dad found it in a thing. Okay.

So is this like an entry that you're showing me? Yeah, this was my, this won. So I won the competition to design the school magazine in, can you see that? Oh, yeah. School magazine, Malvern Central School, 1998. And it's like a little caricature of like a teacher drawing the word, the logo on the blackboard. And then some weird looking kids. And it's nine o'clock.

So they've started very early on the dot. They've started teaching. Yeah. Bang, bang, straight into it. No fucking around. And you may, so you may be able to see, can you tell what that is in the middle? Like what the little student in the middle of the front row. Oh, no. I was looking at the signature that says Tom Als middle, like what the little student in the middle of the front row looking at the blackboard is.

Oh, no, I was looking at the signature that says Tom Alsop, 98. The thing in the middle is like, oh, is that Kenny from South Park? Yeah, it's a hat that I had that's got Stan from South Park vomiting right down the brim of it that I thought was the coolest fucking thing ever. And so I put it in there as a little Easter egg for the real all-sop heads that had seen me wearing that hat around the school. He had to go like, he's put himself into his work Hitchcock style. Very cool.

Very, very cool stuff. Hitchcock head himself. The signature as well, a 12-year-old kid like signing their work. Like how fucking precocious is that? Unbelievable stuff. Yeah, yeah. But it was a competition to do the front and the back of the magazine and I entered for both.

And I think the back of it, I think it was at the end of the day. So it was like 5 p.m. and the class had descended into chaos or whatever. So the idea being that these two were a set. And so I won the competition to have my front cover entry. But then someone else won the back cover one. And I think they had done the same thing to me. It was meant to be a set. else won the back cover one okay and i think they had done the same thing to me like that it was meant to be a set right and we were both really shitty that we both hadn't just that one of us

hadn't just won the whole thing because it was like no they're meant to be viewed as a set you're not meant to fucking set you know i'm riffing on a thing that's now you you haven't seen the front cover so my back cover doesn't make any sense right it was a real uh real schoolyard controversy yeah right i you know what i remember in about grade four now in in grade four you know you know you sort of i guess your image of yourself or maybe your image of two other people changes over the years now in grade three and four i was like really into writing and drawing as well. And I, in grade four, there was this, it was like perfect for me. There was this school competition, the best book that someone could write. It was basically the best story.

But you'd, I don't know if you guys did that in the same sort of year. You'd write a story, but then you'd actually like self-publish it. You know, you turned into a proper book. Yeah, we did it, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You could do cardboard and like bind it with like gaffer tape and that sort of stuff. And you know, if you were like – Is this –

If it's like you – You mentioned the drawing. Is this going to be a story about Conrad Rutt? No, no, no. No, no. That's a silly little cartoon thing that we won't get into at the moment, but there was a little character that I did in high school. at the moment, but there was a little character that I did in high school.

But it was, yeah, if you're lucky enough like you, say Tommy, that had the ability to illustrate, I mean, that gave you an extra bonus little nice little skill in the arsenal. So you could illustrate your own work. So I think I did that as well. I was really into drawing then. Now, I remember there being this school competition to write the best story, the best book, whatever it was, and I was like, fuck, this is so good because I'm so into writing at this point.

And so I did this book, this story, binded it up, did the illustrations, whatever, and then they announced the winner at like school assembly. And I did not win, did not get a place didn't come second didn't come third and the winner was this girl who'd written a story about a horse and i'm like this is absolutely fucked this is the fucking worst thing to ever fucking happen some stupid girl's written some stupid story about a stupid horse like this is so lame like it's so cliche some some girl on her fucking horse who gives a fuck and then like in hindsight i look

at what i wrote it was just basically back to the future but with the names changed i was like that's great yeah great that should never have gone and i'm thinking at the time i remember thinking this is the fucking best it's like this has just copied someone else's shit. This is the worst. Yep. And you would have thought you would, just by changing the names, you would have thought you were so clever. You were like, man, I'm going to go far in this life because no one else would ever have thought to do this. It was, you know, it's like writing's easy.

It wasn't quite as bad as that, but it was even worse than that. It wasn't quite as bad as that, but it was even worse than that. It was like just some time travel book where the absolute massive cliché thing where you go back and all of a sudden you meet Abraham Lincoln and you stop him from getting shot or whatever it was. It was just, oh, this bundling kid going back through history. And it was like, I'm in grade four. I probably knew three things in history. So I was like going back going, I can't remember.

I was probably trying to stop Hitler getting, you know trying to kill baby hitler or something in grade four and teachers are probably going oh i don't know if you should be handling this when you're 10 years old but okay yeah and the and the winner of the book writing competition is carl chandler for his self-published debut the day I sucked off a triceratops. See, that would be good. That's original. That's not ripping anything off. That would be good.

That's a creative mind you need to nurture. It's getting harder and harder to tell new original time travel stories. That's the final frontier. Someone going back in time purely for the purposes of being able to bum a dinosaur. That's what we need to see. Someone going back in time to suck off a Tyrannosaurus Rex so that you can come to the future, repopulate. And even then, people are like, that's just a rip-off of Jurassic Park. It's like, no, this isn't.

They didn't suck off a dinosaur in Jurassic Park. That's new. Yeah, they're respectful. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well,, they're respectful. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, thanks, Andrew Scott. Thanks, Andrew Scott. Wow, unbelievable that we, from such a dull name, we end up with a riff like that. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely unprecedented. You're welcome. You're welcome, Andrew, and you're welcome, Andrew Scott's parents. All right, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ben Mariziki. M-A-R-O-S-S-Z-E-K-Y. Ben Mariziki. Is that how you tackle that one? Mariziki?

Mariziki, yeah. That sounds about right. It's confusing because you've got two S's backed up with a Z and they're all merging into each other in my pronunciation. Maraziki. There's a lot of, yeah, this is a slippery name. This is a very slippery name. Well, be careful what you wish for, Tommy, of course.

We've gone from Andrew Scott to Ben Marazic. So we've got something to play with. It's just not something we particularly want to play with. Yeah, exactly. It's not something that it may well be culturally insensitive to play with it too much. We don't know. But you know what alarm bells are ringing for me at the moment, Tommy?

To me, it sounds a little bit Polish, which to me means this guy is hot. You know what I think about Polish people. Okay. Yeah, all hot. That's been well established on the show. Hottest people on the planet. So I think Benny Boy is absolutely crushing it. You'd like to give Ben a good polling is what you're trying to say?

Yes. Yes. I would like to treat him like a Tyrannosaurus Rex in my grade four story and absolutely get a mouthful. There we go. Repopulate the future with the Marazichi family. If you ended up going back to school Billy Madison style, as a 40-something-year-old man, if you, if you ended up going back to school, Billy Madison style, you're,

um, as a, as a 40 something year old man, you'd be writing a storybook about the day I went back in time and bummed Ben Maraziki. Yeah. Just going, who the hell is this? That,

that, now that would be good. If you did a freaky Friday and you just, well, you turn into a kid again and you're like, how the fuck do I get out of this? And then you just, just relax and go, look, who knows if you're fuck do I get out of this? And then you just relax and go, look,

who knows if you're ever going to get out of this? Just enjoy the moment. And instead of like trying to bet on sports events that you know the results of, just go to school every day and see what reactions you can get out of teachers. Out of doing weird adult stuff. Yeah. Yeah.

If you were a teacher and you had a kid that was just every day trying to wedge in stories about bumming dinosaurs into school that would be that would be amazing yeah but you're saying like you you know it's what the hypothesis here is that it's it would be freaky to see a young child acting in an adult manner. But the problem with that is it's a young child acting in an adult manner, but the adult that they're acting like acts like a child. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just basically, it's just kind of gone back around on itself

to someone being extremely age appropriate. Yeah, but. It wouldn't really stick out. But a fucked child. You're not going forward and then going backwards again into the same spot. You're going forwards and then backwards sideways. So it's not quite the same.

It's a smart dumbness. It would be a fun game to play. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, it's more like the thing that would be disturbing is like it's them being crass but being crass in a very accurate way. In a way where it's like how does a 10-year-old have this kind of knowledge? Like they shouldn't know that these things exist and yet they're able to very accurately describe the events of the Pamela and Tommy Lee sex. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then you're whacking in stuff where like you're just making sure you can't get in too much trouble because for example, you're putting in like, you know, all of the times tables you're putting from one to 12, the times tables, you're putting in a bit of, you know,

complete food groups, food pyramids. You're putting in a lot of knowledge where they, they really can't knock you. You're showing a lot of knowledge for a young age. You just happen to be sort of wedging it in between bits where you're rooting dinosaurs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you're ducks of the class in every other way.

Yeah, yeah. But, unfortunately, for the school, any time they try and put you up on a pedestal and go, because my school was obsessed with that, they wanted to have kids that were really excelling to drive up, you know, because it's good for the image of the school. But then every time they trotted you out,

you're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't really want to talk about my maths results. What I want to talk about is how good it would be to get sucked off by a stegosaurus. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't really want to talk about my math results. What I want to talk about is how good it would be to get sucked off by a stegosaurus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, he's at it again. I'm presenting these books where if you just got rid of the bits

where pterodactyls are coming down your throat, you'd be like, this kid is the best kid we've ever had at this school. And they're trying to say to you, could you just leave? Just if one of those dinosaur loads would not end up down your gullet into your tum-tum, you would be just the best student we've ever had here. And we'd tour you around the country and you'd be like, sorry, I've got to stick to my morals. And that is dinosaurs have to be serviced. I swore an oath.

Yep. Yep. If you want to be able to trade on my good results, it's good for the school. It's ultimately making all of you a lot of money. What do I get out of it? Absolutely jack shit. Yeah.

So if you want to cash in off me, I'm sorry, but this is the price that you have to pay. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. This is the movie. This is good. this is a good movie what was what was your it's not freaky friday it's like

cunted up friday or something it's it's um yeah it's like yeah basically the elevator pitch is what if freaky friday happened to someone who's just a real cunt, just a real fuckhead. Who's not looking for any resolution by the end of the film. You're not looking to be struck by lightning again. You're pretty happy to be back there and you just want to fuck with it. You know, just trying to make the best of a bad situation, you know? It's like, oh, well, I've switched bodies. May as well enjoy it, I guess. I'm not going to spend a whole movie looking at how to switch back.

What if Billy Madison just wanted to get kept down over and over? That would be good. He realises halfway through he doesn't really want the family money. Yeah. He's like, fuck this, I may as well just enjoy it. Yeah, I just want to sit in this class with five-year-olds and just dack them, punch them in the head, do dumb stuff. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Well, thanks, Ben. Thanks, Benny. Hard to tell. I always think at the end of some of these, really hard to tell whether these people are satisfied with these reads. But anyway. I mean, I think Ben's wrapped.

That's a fucking doozy. I mean, you can't be happier than two guys coming up with a pitch for what sounds like the greatest movie of all time on the back of your name. How can you be disappointed with that? Two guys come up with a pitch for, if you thought Billy Madison was too highbrow for you, check out this. Yeah, too highfalutin, yeah. Thanks to Patreon subscriber number three this week, Bailey Watkins.

Ooh. Okay. Okay. I don't mind the name. Don't mind the name Bailey. Yeah. Is it a girl's name or a boy's? I don't know if I've ever heard it used as a girl's name.

Oh, really? I thought it was primarily a girl's name. Oh, really? I thought it was primarily a girl's name. Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. I'm looking it up now. I'm looking them up on Facebook. And if it's the one that comes up straight away,

this person is male and is in Melbourne. this person is male and is in Melbourne and the information I'm getting here is he's single. What a loser. Okay. All right. But this person, if it's them, this person's got 1,600 friends on Facebook. Now, that's a lot for someone that's not in comedy.

Like, you know, in comedy, you get people who admire your work they want to be friends with you you get a lot of industry people it's so easy to be friends with yep hundreds and you know even thousands of people through comedy and entertainment very easy but then you look at like mates from high school or whatever and they've got like 60 friends and you go, oh yeah, that's, I guess that's just, you know, how that works. If you're not schmoozing, if you're not dealing with different people all the time. But so this person. Yeah, you're not out there doing digital glad handing. Yeah.

Whereas. Who's this cunt with 1600 friends? This cunt has got 1600. Yeah. Fuck. Does he have like a job listed or anything like that? No, no. He doesn't.

So I can't really tell. Do you have any mutuals with him? I don't. I don't. Let me have a look. Yeah. I'm going to find this guy. I mean, look, this might not be him.

See if I know him. It might be. Anytime someone's in Melbourne, I go, okay. They're a good chance. It's a good chance of being there. Yeah, 1,600 friends. Yeah, I don't have any mutuals with this guy. Very interesting.

Very, very interesting. Is it that interesting? Well, I don't know. I mean, if he's into comedy and he lives in Melbourne and whatnot and with that many friends, you would think he maybe would have friend requested, you know, comedians at some point. Maybe they've accepted him.

You know what I mean? You know, there's people that we both know that are just, they'll take anyone. They'll accept any requests that they get. Well, look, it might not be him. There's other Bailey Watkins. There's one in Cairns. There's one in Ballarat.

And there's one in Albury. No, Cal might not be him. There's other Bailey Watkins. There's one in Cairns. There's one in Ballarat. And there's one in Albury. No, Caloundra in Queensland. So it could be any of those people. Okay, what about... I'm going to search members within the Patreon group. Oh, that's a good idea. Let's see if I can find him in there. Smart idea.

That's probably... Let's see how we go. Let's probably... Bailey. Yeah, we need to stalk people every week. That's him. Oh, is that him? That's him.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Okay. This cunt's dead. All right, let's find out where he lives. This cunt is dead. We'll find you. Let's triangulate his position and send a fucking drone strike to his house. Yeah.

All right. This is him. This is to his house. Yeah. All right. This is him. This is him. Right. Single. Well, let's... No new posts. Let's help him out.

You know, he's single. He's struggling. Well, he might enjoy being single. That might be by choice. Yeah. It looks like a player. I guess this guy's a... Yeah. He might be by choice. Yeah. He looks like a player. I guess this guy's a – He's got 1,600 friends.

He's a bit of a player. He's a little social butterfly, isn't he? A little social worm. Okay. What about this? One of his profile pictures – How good is this? Just going through, just reading stuff from a stranger's Facebook page.

Yeah. One of his profile pictures from December the 11th, 2017. It's him with two other chaps at a bar. It seems to have been taken, you know, like the photographer that they'd have at a club or a bar or what have you. And,

uh, comment here on the photo by a woman named Emma Mahoney saying, you look so cute. So, uh, you know, what are you doing Bailey? Maybe, uh, maybe, maybe there could be something there with So, you know, what are you doing, Bailey? Maybe there could be something there with Emma.

You know, maybe, you know, she seems like she's kind of interested. Yeah, what's happened there? Give us the history there. You look cute. Give us the history. Is anything going on? I'm going deep. I'm going down his page to try and find something incriminating.

I'm down to 2014 at the moment. Trying to find something fucked up on him. What's he got? He's going to say the N word at some stage. I'm just going through his profile pictures. There's one here of him in a bin. That's pretty good.

Oh yeah, I've seen that one. Seen that one. He's lost a bit of weight over the years i think has he there's a further i'm going back he's a little little stockier back in the day oh a bit of a little chubby chubby boy yeah he got it together there's a photo of him and some him some of his lad friends out the front of uh warner brothers movie world warms your heart warms your heart to see something like this Just the fellas getting together to go on the lethal weapon ride. Oh, yeah.

I see that. Yeah. Yeah. Not a big fan of that. It's got to be. I want something. I want something fucked. I want to find something fucked on this guy.

Just one of the boys. Now, what we're doing now. What we're doing now definitely applies to what you were saying before about, I wonder if some of these people are happy with what we've done with their names. This beats the movie riff where we're just looking at his photos and commenting on them. This takes the cake. Yeah. I'm down.

I'm deep into. Oh, here we go. All right. All right. I'll take this. I'll take this. I'm pretty desperate for All right. All right. I'll take this. I'll take this. I'm pretty desperate for something bad on him, so I'll take this. I've just found out Bailey Watkins, conspiracy theorist.

Really? Yeah. Found a profile. What's he reckon? Profile update from September 16, 2013. Puts his profile out as, wouldn't be surprised if Big Brother is rigged. Oh.

Whoa. Very nice stuff. Attacking the honour of one of our most prestigious TV shows. What a disgrace. An institution. I wonder what happened to Big Brother. Bailey's got the full tinfoil hat on. Fuck, what a fucking, ooh.

I wonder what had happened on Big Brother right before that status to make him think that, you know, just the turkey slap was a false flag operation. They set those men up. Yeah. Great. Great. All right. I think that's all I'm getting on this bloke. Yeah Great Great Alright I think that's

I think that's all I'm getting On this bloke I think that's I think that's the best I'm going to get on him I'm going deeper and deeper There's nothing There's nothing

I'm not There's a few little comical Little joke Bits where he's He's gotten married He's not gotten married He's just saying that on Facebook No that's classic

I bet it Dare I say it. I bet he, I reckon, I reckon he said he was married to a bloke. That's the kind of vibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the kind of like humorous mind I think we're dealing with here. Bit of a joke. Bit of a joke.

Two blokes being married on Facebook. All right. I'm going to leave it at this. I found another picture very early in 2013. He's posted a picture of like a tube. You know, what do you call it when there's a wave and then like you're surfing down that tube? Is that what you call it? A tube?

Yeah, I can picture it. I don't know. The crest of a wave and you're surfing in the middle of it. So there's that. And there seems to be... Yeah, you're like inside the wave. Yeah. Yeah, yeah can picture it. I don't know. The crest of a wave and you're surfing in the middle of it. So there's that. And it seems to be... Yeah, you're like inside the wave. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so there's a picture.

He's posted a picture of that. And then there's like a head that might be a female surfer poking their head out of the wave. And then one of his friends has commented on it. There's one comment on the picture. And the comment is, it's never a picture of their cunt. Is this legal? I'm just trying to figure out if this guy, Matt Glowry, if he's implying that there should be a woman sticking her vagina out of a wave.

Is that what he's saying? I don't know. All right, well. Well, it sounds like, yeah, maybe we've got to get that guy to contribute on Patreon and then we can do a thorough examination of his Facebook profile and we might get the answers that we want. Seems unfair to tar Bailey with this brush, but yeah.

Anyway, thanks, Bailey. Thanks for having such an open Facebook profile that means that we've been able to do such a deep dive on you, your personal history. Literally, I will finish on this one now, which is very apt. October 2012, he's done an update that says, scrolling down your news feed and thinking, fuck, I know some shit cunts.

Well, there you go. There you absolutely go. There you go, Bailey. Art imitating life. Thanks, Bailey. Thanks, Bailey. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Whoa, whoa, Nellie, here we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Whoa, whoa, Nelly. Here we go.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Maximilian Marshall. Seen this name pop up. Really? Wondering when the day would come. Yeah. Yeah, looking forward to it. Maximilian. It's filled me with a bit of dread, to be honest.

Oh, really? I don't really know what I'd make of it. Yeah. Okay. It's filled me with a bit of dread, to be honest. Oh, really? I don't really know what I'd make of it. Yeah. It's finally here. Maximilian, that is commonly the long version of Max. Max is short for that, right? Is that correct? I presume so, for sure.

I guess what? I really hear of too many people called Max. Oh, look, Maximilian is... You found this person as well? Yeah, I found him. Don't worry. I'm going through it as well. Don't worry.

I'm all over it. All right. Maximilian. I'm pretty into the name. Pretty into Maximilian. I already thought Maxim was not a bad name. But Maximilian. Excellent. Yeah. Excellent.

Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty good. Sounds intelligent. Makes you sound like, I don't know, some sort of TV character, some sort of secret identity maybe. I don't know. It just makes you sound a bit special, like in a good way, I think.

I like it. I really like it. It seems a shame to abbreviate it to Max. Okay, here we go. Yeah. Yeah, I know. You've got to respect this guy for just, yeah, going with the whole thing when it's so good.

Okay. Now. Anyway, we love the name. Now let's go through the Facebook and try and find some dirt on this cunt. Yeah, yeah. Let's get him. Let's take him down. Let's find a profile where he says,

yeah, but how come in the movie White Chicks you're allowed to white up? Let's put it out there that he's Scottish. He's Scottish. So let's make sure that's out there. Okay. Yep. He does not appear to be single from what I'm gathering from his profile. Yeah, no.

Certainly his photos. Yeah. No, you're right. I'm going deep on his girlfriend's profile now as well. Is that what you're saying? Are you really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Let's do that. No, you're right. I'm going deep on his girlfriend's profile now as well. Is that what you're saying? Are you really? Yeah, okay. Yeah, let's do that.

No, I'm not. I'm not. To be clear, I'm not doing that. On this show, we do like to do a – we need to cross-reference everyone that has ever come into contact with these people that give us money. We don't want there to be any surprises down the line. Contact tracing. Yes.

Yeah. Yes. Yeah, there's not much. No, he seems happy. There's not a whole lot going on on this profile, I have to say. Yeah, he just seems like a normal, happy dude. Yeah. He shared a Rick and Morty meme about two years ago,

two and a half years ago. It's a shame. He shared a Rick and Morty meme about two years ago, two and a half years ago. It's a shame. Sharing a lot of rock and roll tattoo and piercing Edinburgh. He's sharing a lot of like, share this thing to win a full day tattoo session with this guy. Right. He was selling two tickets to Drake in March of 2017.

So, don't know if that gig's happened yet, but maybe jump on that. Yeah, hit him up. If you're interested. Hit him up. Hit him up. If you can on Drake. On some antique tickets of Drake. Yeah. Hit up Maximilian.

Yeah. I mean, look, it's not good for riffing, but, you know, we love the name. It's a great name, Maximilian. It's just, you know, it's nice to see that he's just got a happy, chill, normal life. Yeah. You know, he deserves having such a cool name. For one thing, it is happy. Sometimes, you know, as we've learned from live shows, sometimes we go,

and sometimes we're accused of just having a lot of nafty listeners. It's nice to see a guy and go, this guy looks like a pretty normal guy. You know, we should start a new list of just normal people who have never harassed us, that seem like absolutely normal people. Make a new, like, you know, exclusive, like, gold list of these people. They're going to the hall of fame of listeners. People that we've never heard of, which means they've never done us wrong um he's obviously on patreon to start with so he's he's kicked in money plus he's never thought well that's that entitles me to text one of them and

call them a shit cunt or complain about an episode that's man this guy's special and he's he's got a cool name he looks like he's got a good life i'm i'm look i'm proposing all the happiness in the world i'm proposing maybe that maximilian is the first entry in our normal people listener hall of fame the hall the hall of normal people hall of hall of normies the hall of normies yep okay yeah i'm happy to sign off on that one. Well, congratulations, Maximilian. Great name as well. That's going to be whoever has to chisel that one onto the plaque,

they're going to have a fucking great time with that. Yep, yep. Very good. Thanks, Maximilian. Thanks, Maximilian. Okay. Keep up the great work yep

alright well let's we actually have to record something else right now Tommy don't we so we better get going we have to go back in time and record the episode that people just heard the episode you've just heard we have to record that now

we've gone absolutely topsy turvy we've pretended this is like a story I wrote in grade four and we're about to suck off a dinosaur in this podcast. So we better get on to that now. So let's just do – let's not disappoint someone. Let's do one more this week and round that up to whatever that is. All right. Okay.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. Oh, it's just a little bit similar to the last one. Sort of. I wonder if this person's normal. Can you, can you, look, let's do a deep dive on this person. If you can just open up your search window on Facebook right now. I'll get Facebook ready to go.

Yeah, yeah. Get it ready. Warm it up. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Slightly similar name to ready to go. Yeah, yeah. Get it ready. Warm it up. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Slightly similar name to the last guy. That's all. So don't let that confuse you.

Okay. Interesting. Also, and also on a brief, like a longer version of the word Max, I guess this guy goes by the name Max. Maximum Comedy. Thank you to Maximum Comedy. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Damn, that's a lot of comedy. Well, I guess that's what he would have copped at high school. Maximum Comedy. What are you getting so far? It's not possible to get more comedy than that. Well, he's Maximum Comedy.

Like I said, you can't get any funnier, so he probably gets the nickname Billy Madison because it truly does not get any funnier than Billy Madison, in my humble opinion. I've gone deep on his Facebook page already and found pictures of his girlfriend and I'm going deep on them. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of blackface pictures.

I'm having a look here too. Much like the other guy, he's got a conspiracy theory on his page here down the news feed a bit that says comedy was an inside job it doesn't get any it doesn't get any nuttier

than that does it yeah comedy literally is an inside job though to be fair so you're one of them are you

alright I see I see what's happening, I see what's happening here. I see what's happening here. Yeah. I've seen a few false punchlines in my time in comedy. I've literally seen a few people wear tinfoil hats doing comedy. So, yeah, that's something as well. Okay, okay. All right, well, thanks, that's something as well. Okay. Okay. All right.

Well, thanks, Max. Thanks, everyone who has supported the Little Dum Dum Club on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Little Dum Dum Club if you would like to do that. We really appreciate it. And you get two extra episodes every week. Hit the website, littledumdumclub.com for the merch. We've got the hoodies. We've got T-shirts.

We've got all sorts of different stuff. We've got the previous episodes. Check all that stuff out, guys. Thanks for listening. And we will see you next week with something a little bit different. Oh, yeah. A little bit special. Next week's going to be really good.

Yeah, I say it. Get ready. Get real ready. The famous quote when you're driving into Daylesford from Ballarat, there's a big graffiti that just says aliens are real, get real ready so do that well you've just given away what we're doing for the episode

it's a special all about Daylesford we're going to be chatting it up we're breaking the law we're breaking the law to get a little B&B down at Daylesford and we're just going to record an episode from there so look out for that in the feed next week at Daylesford and we're just going to record an episode from there so look out for that in the feed next week.

Analyze Probed. Yep. In Daylesford. Alright. Thanks for listening guys and we'll see you next time. See you mate. See you mate.