The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 527 - Fiona O'Loughlin & Georgie Carroll

Episode Date: November 4, 2020

It's the return of the First Lady of Australian Comedy FIONA O'LOUGHLIN and her "unofficial carer" GEORGIE CARROLL! Fiona's got a brand new book out and we're doing a deep dive on a lot of the stories from it - including a behind-the-scenes chat about one of our previous live shows! There's tales about the jungle, BMX riding, and orgasms and we set up the potential for another future live event. Fiona's in classic form on this one, so strap in! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Fiona O'Loughlin and Georgie Carroll. This is a super fun one, so strap in, enjoy this. We will be back to talk to you at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb, won't we, Carl? Yes, Tommy. Live from the same room. Oh my God. Alright, enjoy this episode. Fiona O'Loughlin, Georgie Carroll, we'll see you soon. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. We have two very special guests joining us today, beaming in from Adelaide, the home of comedy. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club,

Georgie Carroll and Fiona O'Loughlin. Hello, boys. Hello. Yay! From the home of comedy. Yes. It is insane, the idea that finally, technically right now, like Adelaide's way more open than Melbourne is,

meaning there are more tickets being bought to shows in Adelaide than there are in Melbourne right now. I know. Amazing. It's never happened before. I know. And we're allowed to sell to half capacity and we're still not selling out here. Really?

Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Adelaide, never change, baby. Never change. Nature's healing. Everything's going to be all right. Yeah, that's what you want to hear. And I've never felt safer about having a show with Fiona O'Loughlin involved,

given that Georgie Carroll, you are a nurse. Finally, the perfect combo is happening. I've already decided she's not for the treatment. No, she's spent enough of the National Health Service's money now. She's blown her budget.

She is not allowed any more bed hours. She's exhausted it. And you are, we're doing this over zoom and you are sharing one pair of headphones one pair of earbuds um which two girls one mic means you know you just yeah yeah you're using you know that makes all sense but it also sort of looks like you're almost like chained together it's like you're the nurse and it's like, don't let Fiona out of your sight. You've got to connect to her somehow. It's like a pair of handcuffs or something.

Yeah. It's a big day. Anything could happen to me. Today's the actual launch day. Oh, is your book launched today? Today. Oh, nice work, sister. So there's a lot out there.

So your launch day, the launch day that is, of course, for listeners at home, the launch day of Fiona Lockham's new book, Truths from an Unreliable – what is it called? Unreliable Witness, sorry. Witness. It's your new part two of your autobiography, I guess, because you had one before, Me of the Never-Never. That's right.

So this is the warts and all version, isn't it? This is – like that was for that was for your um for the kids that was basically a children's book this is a bit of a bit of adults only a bit of it's a bit of a how-to it's a bit of a manual how to be an alcoholic yes if at first you don't succeed try try again yeah yeah this is this is vodka for dummies. This is some hardcore shit. Yeah. So it's basically everything I would tell Dumb Dumb Club is in the book. These are the things I would be talking to you about.

But now it's out there. Have you put in about your plastic surgery? No, the plastic surgery happened last week. Do you know she's been getting work done? She's looking good. Well, yeah. She's she's been getting work done. She's looking good. Well, yeah, yeah. Parts of her are looking good. Yeah.

Like. I've got suggestions on what she should do next, Georgie. Oh, God, just stop. She's had a lip insert. She's had a top lip insert for three years. I'll keep it for three years. What happens after three years? You've just got like a big, flappy, saggy top lip thing.

Yeah, I'll just turn back into an old. From the side, she looks like a Simpson. Yeah, I do look like a Simpson. That's good. Wait, so hang on. So your lips have like planned obsolescence in them, like an iPhone. It's like, you know what happens? They bring out the new lip fillers and then the old ones just sort

of mysteriously stop working. They want you to upgrade. I've got a bit of cheekbone. I've got some top lip action, a bit more bottom lip as well. Peels. You've had Botox in your forehead and then grown a fringe. Yes. Which is the most pointless thing.

You've dyed your hair too. You're like peroxide blonde at the moment. You've got new big thick glasses. Look, it would be remiss of me as professionally, as one of the hosts of this show, to not ask Georgie, is this actually Fiona or is this just like a ring-in that you fanned off the street to just... Fuck, it's definitely Fiona.

There is no even... There's nothing like it. Is this Adelaide's finest Fiona O'Loughlin impersonator? She did the top ten best-looking women. Oh, who weekly will have me on the most beautiful list next year? Who did? Oh, yes. You're making it up.

But you know what's happening to me? Are you in the top? I've been living. Are you in the top 10 hottest Adelaide chicks? I don't know. I just put myself there. Top 10 hottest old lady. Anyway.

How old are you? Fifty seven. But I've had a lot of work done. Okay. Yeah. No, the other day, because I've had a lot of work done. Okay, yeah. No, the other day, because I live just around the corner from Foodland, okay? I've not lived in a community for a very long time, as in where I know people and they know me from childhood, like from school days.

Yeah. In this bloody Foodland, just around the corner the other day, there's a woman. I hear it. She's talking to someone I know about me. this bloody food land just around the corner the other day yeah there's a woman she's saying i hear it she's talking to someone i know about me she goes isn't it terrible the way she isn't it terrible oh you're not terrible she said the way she left all those children behind oh mate i'm just running on puncher in the fucking glass i'm c. What is that? Like, I'm going Foodland next. Hey, have you met them? You don't know what I chose to leave you for. Jesus.

I left all the children. They're adults. You can't leave adult children. That's fine. Now, Fiona, I've done a speed reading of the book. I mean, I've thoroughly read it. It's a great read. A lot of people on the show that listen to the show love Fiona.

So if you like the sort of hardcore shit that she pumps out on this show, go and grab the book because this is all it is. It's all killer, no filler, unlike Fiona's face. Yeah, it's the good stories on this podcast without two hack open micers interjecting to the stories. Oh, without two hack open micers interjecting. Exactly. The stories have to go. Oh, yeah. Up the bum, no babies.

What about that? It's just all the good shit. What about when I ate some chocolate and went to Thailand? Yeah, none of that shit. Exactly. It's all killer. Someone said, why did you write the book? I said, I just wanted to tell my story without fucking Tommy and Carl ruining it.

So that's why I had to write a book. Great. Great. Great. We'd love that. We'd love to do that ourselves, but it's impossible for ourselves to do that. Now, look, reading the book, I have to say, Fiona, it says here in this book, it says you're an alcoholic.

Why didn't you say something before? What's going on there? And that's the other thing that's going on in the hometown where i come from all these not all these but a lot of people going why doesn't she just shut up it's as if oh great it's as if wow and it's like well i'm never gonna fucking shut up am i because you stigmatize you're stigmatising it right now by telling me to shut up. If I'd had any other disease that I'd worked out how to fucking work out, if it was cancer, no one would tell me to shut up because I'd be bald and people would feel sorry for me.

Disagree. I think some diseases are boring. Shit. Diabetes is tedious. Yeah. Like, people popping on about the diabetes. Do you think people crapping on about alcoholism are boring? It depends if they're pissed when they're doing it.

Oh, that's very boring. Yeah, because it's like me going on about being fat when I'm fat. I didn't even notice. You just need to, yeah, I don't know. Sober going on about being pissed is all right. Pissed people going on about being pissed is a bit much. Yeah, true. So there we have it.

But there's good stories. How many drunks do you see in hospital? Are you in emergency? Yeah, yeah. So it's Fridays and Saturday nights? No, it isn't really like you come in because you're drunk. It'll be more like situational crisis. I'm sure you've presented as a situational crisis,'t you you've come in because it's just all got too

much i've come in because i can't walk or talk or yeah function yeah all right then yeah but that wouldn't be on a friday night would it is like alky's don't tend to go oh it's friday let's get so oh it's fucking wednesday we're just going to heat up. I'm going to really treat myself. Exactly. Exactly. Georgie, have you ever worked in a hospital where Fiona's, like, booked herself in, like, a week out going, yeah, I'm planning on having a big one that night,

so you better get me in a bed. I want a nice one. I love the idea of the alcoholic, like, pulling a hidden bottle of vodka out from, like, under the toilet or whatever. TGIF. Definitely. I would love you to nurse me.

Poets Day. I won't be coming in with alcoholism, but I'll come in with something else. Yeah, bring something in. You'd be a... Prolapse. Prolapse. Oh, yeah. If I ever start talking about prolapses on stage, you get a gun and shoot me in the face, okay?

Yeah, all right, mate. I can do that. Euthanize. But, look, Fiona, you get a gun and shoot me in the face, okay? Yeah, all right, man. I can do that. You for nice. But look, Fiona, you're looking great. It is. Despite what Georgie says, she's hating on you. I think you look awesome. You're looking great.

Thank you so much. It only kind of looks good on a camera. In real life, it is quite scary. So I'll just have to stay away from people. When we do the picture for the promos, I'll get one from the side as well. She looks like a simp. I look like a simp.

Oh, yeah, great. But thank you, Carl, for your compliment. Okay. Yeah, yeah. No, it's well earned. Hey, so reading your book, love the book, like I said. A lot of, you know, right in our sort of hitting zone in terms of like all...

It's basically, it's wall to wall just sort of the times that you're fucked up and gone. Like, here's what I did wrong. Here's the absolute most brutal version of me that I've got. Would that be fair to say? Yeah, I wanted to get outside. There were times where I felt actually exhausted for the reader. I'm like, I can't do it to them again.

But I had to show, like, I really wanted to show what the worst part for me of alcoholism the very worst part was the relapsing and it is a relapsing disease and i just wanted to almost yeah show the reader this is how fucking imprisoned you are by this over and over again yeah anyway it is it is a bit like that like i mean what i guess my thought came out like this that that you know you just kept reading about you relapsing and then really hating it and whatever is that is that the is that the feeling like there's a lot of build-up to you like breaking your sobriety and like once you get that drink and then you're down the first one is the feeling then that it's fixing anything

or is the feeling like immediately when you have it, is there a regret straight away or are you sort of going, is this still a positive feeling once you've broken that drought? Right. So before rehab, yes. But after rehab, which is where I knew everything I needed to know but still couldn't apply in my life because basically I had...

There just wasn't enough of me. I couldn't... Yeah, I needed some help. I just... Yeah, yeah. But I've forgotten the question now. Oh, yes. So before rehab, definitely you'd have that drink,

you're relapsing and you go... And all of a sudden that... I that i can still feel it the vodka going it's not like it goes into your mouth and then it goes into every cell in your body and all of a sudden you're like yes yes yes it is like that or it isn't like that it's like that before you get knowledge then after rehab that's why after rehab when i relapsed, you know, on a pretty similar continuum, although it was never, it was always getting better after rehab, never worse. The relapses were becoming further apart. But every time I relapsed, because you have knowledge,

you have to kill all that knowledge. So you drink about half a bottle of vodka straight up. Right. Because. Right. Ah, right. So you can't just have a couple and go, ah, knowledge so you drink about half a bottle of vodka straight up right because right ah right so you can't just have a couple and go ah because your mind is like what have you fucking done you idiot you know this is ah this is potentially okay so you drink a you you you go hell for leather until you kill the knowledge but but unfortunately by then yeah there's not much time to party is there if you've just drunk half a bottle?

Yeah, right, right. You know? Oh, these are handy tips. Yeah, okay, this makes a lot of sense. There's actually no enjoyment in it. It's, yeah, horrific. Relapsing on knowledge is the most horrific thing you can do. And I think I did it eight times.

Man, that's interesting. What do you make of this theory, right? There's a bit of a theory that there's no such thing as an addictive personality. However, it's meant to be three things that come together that make the difference between me, who is a good old middle-aged mom wino, like savvy bee girl, and somebody who just has no control over it. So if you are impulsive, compulsive, and a sensation seeker, if you're all them three

then that's what makes it is it so i'm impulsive and i'm a sensation seeker but i'm not compulsive i don't i don't have to do the same thing over and over again i like doing different oh i'm completely compulsive you guys have seen me backstage what i do backstage and then you're yeah i mean fiona backstage What you do is I will always walk in on you backstage and think Oh, Fiona's really going over her gear It's like, no, you are playing Candy Crush For eight hours backstage

Over and over and over It's actually Gardenscapes, which I find very offensive Sorry, no offence No offence Fiona O'Loughlin's a gamer The Daily Mail can break that story from this episode Anyone who knows anything about garden skates Will know how committed I am

Because I'm at level 8000 Oh wow It's an extraordinary thing But it's compulsive You want to see her actual garden though There's no actual garden here No, it's the only gardening I've ever done She's got like a bit of concrete It's so gorgeous she's got a bit of concrete and she's got a little bmx but do you know

cycles to the beach on that i do have a bmx georgie just checked it out do you really do you have a bmx fiona i do i've got a bmx oh my god i ride to the beach we need a picture of that yeah it's like an eight-year-old's as well. It's 3D. Absolutely. Oh my god. Can we please have a picture for the socials of Fiona Lachlan popping a mono? Can we do that? We're going to do it for you today, before this day ends.

And you've got a baseball card on the back wheel so it makes that cool clicking sound as you ride along. I don't think I have, but I've got a helmet. I don't think it was a fashion statement when you bought it. I think it was just a practical purchase. This weird thing happens to me because when I get on the bike, I get this joy, like childlike joy, and I can't stop laughing. And so the people near me, they just see me take off and...

That's glorious. I'm sure there's a fair few discussions happening in food land about that site if anyone's seen that on the way. That is glorious I'm sure there's a fair few I'm sure there's a fair few Discussions happening In Foodland About that site If anyone's seen that On the way That is glorious Yeah

But that's true So you were You actually had an addiction To those games as well Yeah Apart from everything else Yes You had all the

Dangerous addictions But then You got through them So then it's like Fuck what can I get Addicted to now And then you got addicted To. So then it's like, fuck, what can I get addicted to now? And then you got addicted to like iPhone games. Yeah, and that's all gone now too, thank God.

You'll have to take up running. Some of them take up running. I'm not going to do that, no. It's a lot of exotics. They like doing ultramarathons. Yeah, they swap the bitch for the win. Yeah, don't do that. Nobody is supposed to get up.

I mean, I don't think Kalahari. Do you know of ultramarathons, though? Do you know of these things where they do butt? Yeah, like Mickey D-Dot. Yeah. But I don't think a Kalahari Bushman ever got up and went, I think I'll go for a run for 40K. See you later, guys.

Like, it didn't happen. Yeah. It's not what we're made for. Yeah. How did you kick the computer game addiction? Did you go to, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you go to Pac-Man rehab centre to kick it off? No.

I love you, Tommy. You're fucking awful. No, to my addiction therapist, I have an addiction specialist and he also is a hypnotherapist. So we got rid of the games. That was the last thing to go, the gaming. Yeah, about three months ago. Okay.

Oh, wow. This hypnotherapy, it's a thing for you, isn't it? Because she gave me a copy of the book last night and I got bonus extras. I got a print off an email. She got a print off an email. A private email to your hypnotherapy. From my hypnotherapy talking about the insides of my brain. Yeah, and then she said, did you read it?

I was like, absolutely did. Of course I'm reading it. Look, the good thing is, as someone who books you for comedy gigs, Fiona, I'm much more happy with you having an addiction to video games and alcohol because I don't think you're going to get up on stage and be too fucked up from sneaking in six levels of Donkey Kong before you get on. I'm fine with that. That's great.

Just up there rambling about a high score. Everyone's like, God, this is a mess. She won't stop going on and on and on about Mario Brothers. This is brutal. It doesn't even make sense. I prefer when she drank a barrel rather than jumped over one. There is one little story that Tommy and I pricked our eyebrows up at, I guess. There's a story in the book of the night.

It says you got legless before a gig. It was a night where you were with your 14-year-old Mary Agnes at the time. She was 14 at the time. That was your gig. And you got legless before a gig uh it was a night where you were with your 14 year old mary agnes at the time she was 14 and you brought her along to a gig that's the thing um and you said you got drunk you were drunk on stage the audience had to be escorted out you left in an ambulance that was my gig me tommy we're the ones that carted you out to the ambulance you you dropped plenty of names in the book we couldn't get a plug oh yeah we carted you out to the ambulance. You drop plenty of names in the book. We couldn't get a plug. We carded you into the ambulance. And you could have named, given my gig a plug. I'm so sorry. If you want to see more people getting carded out, couldn't do their job properly and you want to see more of that,

go to Chandler's gig in Melbourne. I was emceeing that gig and I was doing a great job for the rest of the night. I thought. A bit of a big up in there would have helped. I thought. There's plenty of up in there would have helped. There's plenty of people that's like, you know, Mooney gets a plug, Tripod get a plug, Fleety gets a mention. Did you not say one thing about it? How about the two ambulance boys?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Does Dum Dum not get a plug? You tell us you wrote it. No, we didn't get a mention. I only picked it up on the weekend. I picked it up and tried to read it. No, but you you wrote it. No, we didn't get a mention. I only picked it up on the weekend. I picked it up and tried to read it. No, but you did write it. Yeah, no, but I hadn't read it in its book form.

And I picked it up last Saturday and I'm like, fuck, I can't wait to find out what happens next. It was just... Yeah. Well, this can be like, you know, often like a biography will come out and then, you know, maybe a year down the track when they put it in paperback or whatever, it can be like, you know, often like a biography will come out and then, you know, maybe a year down the track when they put it in paperback or whatever, it'll be like, now with an added chapter of just stuff that's happened since,

you can do that for the second printing. You can just be like, now with eight additional words and literally all that you've added is just a plug for me and Carl in that being carted off by the end. So people buying it again going like, this is a fucking rip-off. And also for the Patreon members of your community, if they give you $10, I will forward you the email that she left in the book.

It was a private email to a hypnotherapist. Of all of her secretist thoughts. Do you know, Carl and Tommy, I thought you were going to talk about the bit in the book about the debate with Mooney because do you remember that though? Mooney thought he had something on me and that's why he dumped a bucket of water on me on his radio show because he used this whole bit on radio about have you ever had a friend who's

taken it too far or gone too far and he used that story about me um when i got out of when i did that debate with him and it all went horribly wrong that's in the book so that's that's the story of um that's the story that we've had on the show where you did a debate out of town. You got drunk, sort of ruined the gig. You relapsed, obviously. You got drunk and then they stopped serving you. And then you said – I went back to my room and came back with a plan, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You're celebrating your recent marriage. You've just – gay marriage has been, you know, legalized in Australia. You've married your wife. So I just jumped on the back of that to get some booze, as any self-respecting alcoholic would do. You use whatever. Amazing.

And fucking Mooney thought he had some dirt on me that was so big. Can I say this, Fiona? That, look, there was a lot of great episodes that we've done over the years with you and Mooney, this great pairing. Now, there hasn't been that pairing for quite a while on the show. There's been a, can I, you know, I don't think there's any super secret. There's been a little bit of a falling out as you've alluded to there. Now, the last time we had you both on air together was we built this big massive live

show where it was like Moon and June together live on stage. We had this massive crowd uh in thornberry this is a couple of years ago and we're like what a great thing you know usually we do a live show we get big numbers and we never we never say who's going to be on we never bill who's going to be on we for once build who was going to be there we said fiona lachlan lawrence mooney the pairing that you all want to see and so it was great very exciting we went did the show it was huge crowd and they're really really into it and we got there and then we just sort of went backstage and saw the two of you and we're like uh-oh and you were neither of you were talking

to each other you were as far distanced as you possibly could be at either end of the building and there was no word spoken between the two of you and it's like well this will be a good live show absolutely centered around the two the chemistry of these two guests they won't even fucking talk to each other and that was the absolute hardest live show i've ever done like literally i don't think we've talked about this before have we tommy we we were on stage not on the not publicly yeah i didn't know till i got to the green room that mooney had a problem with me. I went to hug him and he just went weird. And I thought, oh, what's up your ass?

And then he was just weird all night. And then he kind of let me know he had that dirt on me. I'm like, well, what do I care? Yeah. There was not a great vibe on stage between the two of you. And we sort of really only realised that once we were on stage and I remember just going, oh, we are

fucked this bad. We are fucked this real bad. There were so many people going, this is going to be great, all these mates and on stage no one's taught. It's almost like we had translators for the both of you and I remember, I very clearly remember, our live shows are just like writer's affairs. The fans goators for the both of you. Oh, geez. And I remember, I very clearly remember our live shows are just like

riotous affairs. The fans go off. The listeners go crazy. There's always like halas and whatever. I remember we had like 600 people there, full venue, and I distinctly remember sitting on stage and as we were all talking, I could hear someone at the very back of the room. I could hear the bartender cleaning glasses and I'm like,

I'm not supposed to hear that with 600 people here. Just the bartender clinking two glasses together. Clear as a bell, I could hear that. Can whoever's in the toilet paper up the back of the room stop rolling the toilet paper off the wallpapers? I can't fucking hear myself think up here. Did you ever air that episode? Someone could stop reading up the back. Did that episode go to air?

Yeah, it went to air. Yeah, I think most people didn't have too much of an issue with it, but I do remember, like, that happening and me just being, like, just going. And I honestly thought, fuck, I feel like Fiona at the moment because I was in this hole. I felt like we couldn't get out of the hole of this show. And I just started absolutely powering through the drinks. Did you?

I went, yeah, I went fucking crazy. I just started strong-arming the beers and that was the night I then woke up at home and had no idea how I got home. I was that pissed that night because I was like, I've got to get out of this fucking situation. Oh, no. Fiona style. Oh, yeah, was that the night that a listener had to drive you home or something?

Well, that was what I then found out the next day because I just got home and my wife's like, how did you get home? I'm like, no idea. Yeah. Well, what are we going to do about this? Should we see if Moony will come back? Well, unfortunately, Fiona, I can only get a pamphlet out of my story. I don't have a full book load like you, so I can't really do too much with it.

But how will we get – should Moony and I come back together on Little Dum Dum? Look, I would love that. Let's get a therapist. I would – you know what? Oh, that would be – yes. Because I know there's been a bit of bad blood between the two of you, and it breaks our heart. It feels like me and Tommy are the parents of these two you know young but troubled children exactly um and but but but

reading through the book and all your mentions of moody in the book and i was sort of expecting but i was like but there's a lot of there's a lot of love in there there's still love in there i was feeling i felt a lot i felt very happy about i never had a falling out. He didn't feel like that much animosity. I haven't had a cross word with him. All I knew is that he asked me as a friend, am I going into the jungle? And then he spilled it on his radio show the next morning and could have done me out of a contract. That's not even something you'd lose a friendship over.

Nah, and you're not meant to tell people. Exactly. It's my fault. Yeah. He, yeah, I, look, I think, and you'll notice, Fiona, but I think he's one of these people that, you know, he's run, you know, you've run foul of him for some of your, you know, addictive behaviour over the years.

I think at just some point he's cracked the shits and whatever. So I guess that sort of happens. Well, when we did that live show, we were billing it as just as an – it was Carl's idea to kind of market it from a design perspective to do it up like an old boxing poster for the poster for the gigs. It was like Moon vs. June, like one of those old boxing posters. And I think that kind of – I think that sort of misled some people that had bought tickets into thinking that it was going to be

an actual blood sport and that there was going to be... I think there were some people that truly thought we were putting on a fight. So, hey, maybe another live event down the line. We do the live counselling session and, you know, we just bill it as a big love-in and then people are going to turn up expecting group sex live on stage.

Maybe they'll analyse this movie poster. I bet you anything there's a comedian that we know and love who also has a degree in psychology who could act as the mediator. Come on, I'm in, I'm in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, we're on it. It's fine. I'm happy to look into it for sure.

I want to see that adorable pair back together for sure. What other great comedy wounds and splits have there been? Is there anyone else that you need to fix? No, I don't fight. I'm not a fighter. Does anyone else hate me? I'm sure they do. No, I don't hear about anyone talking about you with anything but love and good stories.

Yeah. Yeah, you're that person. Yeah, you're a person. No, you're... Yeah, you're a good... Yeah, you're a good liar, I think. I think the people that you hate don't hate you back because you're too good at... Because they don't know it. At hiding your feelings from them.

Yeah, exactly. Carl, it sounds like you're saying to her, you could probably even afford to push it a bit further if you want. Like, just... All this stuff in the book about giving up give it another 10 years i mean to be so loved and not take advantage of it it's just such a waste of goodwill yeah well there is there is a bit in the book fiona where it says it says um you know literally says there has been a long-held misconception that my carnival family had

led me astray but the opposite was true. My eclectic family of fellow comedians looked out for me and never judged me. Well, I'm here to say, Fiona, that plenty of us did. I'm sorry, Fiona. I've got the news for you. For the reprinting, you might want to check that

typo. Yeah, just make a slight little addition. Yeah, no one ever says anything bad. They always go, Fiona, how is she? How is she? That's what always comes back. I was going to say, you are one of those people that is very, very popular in comedy and everyone loves you despite anything you've ever done. So I think despite any of the fuck-ups or anything like that,

people just go, yeah, but we love Fiona. I've never heard anyone really speak negatively about you at all or anything like that. Thank you. Yeah. And I totally get it if they do. I mean, I've just written off an apology in the book to Fidelity. I mean, I made his day very difficult.

Did you? Do you know in the book there's the booker in Queensland? That was Fidelity. There's a promoter in Queensland, yeah? Yep, yep. So it's handy. I'm just getting to say sorry and hand the book out to people. Yeah, he'll like that.

Oh, right. It's an apology card. Yeah, nice, nice. Yep, yep. It says in the book as well, there's one bit about you being like at the comedy festival and stuff. And at some stage, you know, you're sober and then you're still secretly having a few drinks and whatever. And it says, this did stand out for me. It says that you paid another comic 50 or 100 bucks to sneak you drinks one time at a bar in the comedy festival.

Now, look, you didn't name who the comic was, but I'll just say this much. He would have done it for $20. Let's just put it that way. If that comic is the comic who I think you say is addicted to heroin, he would have done it for $20. So I'm just telling you that if you're in that spiral again one day, you can lower your rate and you'll still do it. I just don't think

you know Adam Hills as well as I do. Well, hey, he's legless. He wants to help other people come around. Oh, there we go. There's the link. There we go. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, yeah. So, oh, what about this?

Now, this is the big, oh, well, one of the big shocks of the book. And look, there's so much in this book that there'll be some big bit of firework. And I'll go, here we go. Here's a chapter on this. And then it'll get to the end of the sentence. And it's like, let's move on now. I'm like, hang on. You go, here's a chapter on this. And then it'll get to the end of the sentence and it's like, let's move on now. I'm like, hang on, you could have got two chapters out of this.

There's so much shit in there. Now, you very, very briefly mentioned the fact that you, Fiona O'Loughlin, have never had an orgasm. I know. Well, I'm going to help her, but not how you think. Oh, there we go, exclusive on the show right now. Is it going to happen live? helper but not how you think oh there we go exclusive on the show right now is it is it going to happen live no we literally were just discussing this before and i was like that since that since and it's and we're definitely on a path where we're going to make her have one

we're going to try escorts we're going to try uh just getting through some catholic guilt like there's no i don't i asked georgie because this is what my understanding of an orgasm is, right? It's apparently like a sneeze in your vagina. So be like – I was showing Georgie. Is it like this? Achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, achoo, right in your snatch. And I think that's what it is.

That's a multiple orgasm. I would say sticking a pepper shaker up there would probably help. Yes. I'm just not sure in that certain way. Do it. That's multiple orgasms. I would say sticking a pepper shaker up there would probably help. I'm just not sure in that certain way. Do it. That's your phone going. I've stuck redhead matches up my nose to make me sneeze, so I wonder if that could work. No, we're going to get you one.

I'm going to use. If it's the last thing I do, I'm getting you an orgasm from somewhere. Well, I never thought I'd have a top lip, so anything's possible, isn't it, in this brand new... Yes. Yes. Fiona, I knew there was a reason we were friends, Fiona. You've never had an orgasm and I've never given one, so...

LAUGHTER Wow. Forget Moony, let's make this the next live show. Yes. I would not be able to hear someone cleaning glasses up the back of the venue if this happens, I reckon. I reckon this is the go. Oh, God.

Oh, man. So, sorry, but this is an important issue. So no orgasm, Fiona. This is tied to Catholic guilt, is it? Because I'm not, you know, I wasn't raised that way, so I'm just trying to understand. Well, mine. You thought that.

I think it has more to do with my interpretation of the church's teachings as a kid than I don't think the church set out to be that weird. But, yeah, I just... My little head went, oh, straight to hell if you have sex, so let's just ignore that bit forever. And then I never turned it on.

So how do you turn it off if you've never turned it on? I have no idea what people are talking about when they talk about. I don't know. It definitely happens. I know. Are we still talking about the anatomy? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a huge part of your life. It's not like Candy Crush. You don't have to pay for it. It's a huge part of your life though not to know about. To me that's like a colour I don't know. I don't understand what it is. You've clearly tried yourself though, haven't you? That's exactly is. You've clearly tried yourself, though, haven't you? That's exactly right.

You've clearly tried yourself. That's why we're paying somebody a... No, no, do. How not? Because that's the block. You don't do that. Do you know, I had an orgasm before I knew what they were. I thought you were going to say,

do you know, I had an orgasm before I got over it this morning. No, I had mine on the side of a swimming pool. Yeah, yeah. You know, and then... The water jets on the side of a swimming pool they're excellent like i was like 10 or something right and i just swam to the side of the pool but you wouldn't have had any idea that that that's a shame job you know i knew that it was i knew that you didn't go and tell your dad what you'd just done yes but i just i never i was in i was in the pool a lot

that holiday well if you went and told your dad what you'd just done, they'd know that you were clearly fucking autistic, you know. I remember there was only one in Alice Springs, in Coles, they had a steep car park that you could go down really quick. And I used to go down really quick with the kids. The Coles car park is almost like a ride at the show for an Alice Springs kid. It's that steep. And one of my kids up at the back seat, he used to go, oh, I love it when you do that, mum.

Do you know what I reckon? He used to go, I love it when you do that, mum. It makes me feel so good in my ghoulies. Your ghoulies. Do you know what? I'm thinking we don't need an escort service. I reckon we should just go with you, the BMX and some cobbles. Yes.

Yes. Just a bit of corrugation. That's what we need. See, Fiona, that's the thing. I reckon you've been going about this all the wrong way. You don't need to keep going into rehab centres. You need to get your BMX, go on a bumpy road. Once you have that first big O, that's all you want to do.

You won't be thinking of grog anymore. You won't be thinking of any of that stuff. You're going to have a new toy that you're going to not want to play with for quite a while. Carl's right. It's time to put the O in O'Loughlin. Yes, exactly. Why did I write that in the book?

Yeah, it's a lot of information. You are going to have, sorry, but you are going to have a whole new addiction. Seriously. You're going to be absolutely flat out. It's three minutes every day that just make the whole day better. Yeah, you'll learn. Is it a lingering thing? Do you linger after an orgas like oh sometimes it's good if you need a nap okay like you can just knock one out and then have a sleep yeah that's what that's what i use them for

you can either have a good old cry or a wank and then you can sleep real well afterwards nature's nature's mil, I believe they call it. And we're back. We're back from commercial. We're back from commercial. People at home wouldn't have noticed, but we did go for a three-day commercial there. We had a lot of ads to get in.

It's only been 45 minutes, but it feels like a lot's changed in the world since we started this recording, this episode. It almost feels as if Melbourne has opened up again, like a lot's changed. Yeah, a lot happened after we cut off because Fiona kind of forgot you were on the project almost, didn't you? So then halfway through the episode they rang you to be on the project. you were on the project almost, didn't you?

So then halfway through the episode, they rang you to be on the project. I went and saw an... What are they? Invested... What are they? Anyway, he's a psychologist, but much more than a psychologist. I was there for three hours

to see how much damage I've done to my brain. Oh, and where are we now? Oh, very confused. Well, considering you don't know the name of the guy, probably a fair bit. Yeah, exactly. Or what his profession is. Question one, what am I?

That's a good one. You've stumped me at the first hurdle. Is it a fish and chip shop? No. That's a big cross on question one. It looked like that Trump. You have to look at pictures and everything. At first it was a bit like that.

Oh, you did a mini mental. The mini mental, but then lots of big mental. And apparently I'm mental. My frontal lobe is just very, it's like your kitchen drawer. Well, it's a joy to hang out with, so keep it. I am going to keep it. I mean, I can't not keep it. Working okay. Well, so it's been about three days

since we last started this podcast. So the burning question is, have you had an orgasm in that time? Have you? Did you take our advice on board? Have you even had a go? What? Fiona, you went and saw a Have you even had a go? What? Fiona, you went and saw a professional for your head.

You should have gone and seen a professional for a bit further down, a bit more south. We've got to get this to happen. You've had so many experiences, Fiona. You've had so many experiences that the rest of us haven't had. You've got to have the shared one that the rest of us have had. You can't miss out on that one. If it happens, I'll call you, Carl, not in the middle of it, but after. Apparently on ice.

An orgasm on ice is meant to be insane. Have you tried ice? No. No. No, I'm not. Oh, you mean ice, not cold ice. No, don't put ice on it, mate. It might help with the male member to keep it hard. I don't put ice on it, mate.

It might help with the male member to keep it hard. I don't know. Come on, that time of life's over. Let's get on with other subjects. We're going to make it happen. You might be one of the only people in the world, perhaps the only person in the world, to have jumped out of a plane into the South African jungle before you've blown a load.

I don't think anyone else could say that they've ticked that one off in that order. You're mine, Tommy. Tommy's mine. It's an interesting bucket list you've got, Fiona. Well, hey, speaking of the jungle, now that is the one big, that's the one last thing I really wanted to bring up out of the book, which is, again, like I said, you throw all these little mini facts out very flippantly, like they're no big deal.

But the rest of us, it's like, what the fuck just happened there? I had to go back and reread it. So, yeah, it says there. It's like your paragraph would be just happened there? I had to go back and reread it. So it says there. It's like your paragraph would be anyone else's whole book. Yeah. It says that you relapsed in the jungle to a degree. I'm a celebrity. Get me out of here.

You're in the middle of the African jungle. No access to alcohol. So you got the closest thing you could get, which was you drank hand sanitizer. Now, that's amazing because there is obviously a percentage of alcohol in it. So that's the closest thing you could get, yeah? Yeah. It's about 70% alcohol. Yeah. Yeah. Now, the thing that was amazing to me, Fiona, is this, that I'd heard that story.

So it was a bit of an expose in your book and amazing, but I had heard it through the grapevine that that is what had happened. I'd heard that before. But the thing is, because it was like Chinese whispers and people had passed it on and passed it on and passed it on, you know what I'd actually heard? I heard that you'd eaten wet wipes and you were just like getting the alcohol out of that. And I'm like, how the fuck does that happen? Just sucking them like a lozenge, yeah. Yeah, just like eating these wet wipes and swallowing them down and going, oh, yeah, I feel a bit tipsy, I guess.

That was a way better story, to be honest. If you can change that for the second edition of the book, I was way more impressed by that. Well, now you've given me another idea. If I ever do relapse again, I'm not going to wet wipe. Oh, shit. I'm an enabler. I won't be able to babysit the grandchildren.

Oh, yes. There's wet wipes everywhere. Exactly. In my room next door, in the baby's room, I've got basically a slab in there. I'm ready to go if I want to have a kick on tonight. This is extraordinary to me because, Carl, I did Jonesy and Amanda yesterday and Jonesy said –

The radio show. What's his proper name? Yeah. What's his proper name? Alan Jones? No. Brendan Jones? Brendan.

Oh, right. Brendan said I'd heard it too. He said he'd heard it. This is Sydney Radio. I started it. Did you hear it, Georgie? Yeah, I like starting a rumor. Thank God I wrote it.

It's a good story. It's a good story. Like, if you'd heard it, you'd be like, this is a ripper. I've got to let someone know this one. Absolutely. So, yeah. I'm just like, thank God I wrote about it, because I didn't know when I wrote about it that anybody knew about it,

except for a nurse in the South African jungle. Yeah. Except for a nurse and a bunch of people that have very dirty hands for some reason. Yeah, you were ahead of the curve, Fiona. You were getting into the hand sanitiser before it was the O-fake thing. Look, everyone in the world's obsessed with hand sanitiser now, but you were at the front of the pack.

You broke it. You are lucky this virus didn't come out of Africa. You're lucky it came out of China because you could have been a cause. When everyone was talking about hand sanitiser in February, I was turning a bright red every time I heard the word hand sanitiser because I was looking at my deep dark secret, not knowing you guys already knew. Whenever they were talking about buying heaps of it,

you were like, what flavour did you get? And they're like, what the fuck? It's so easy to start a rumor about you though because people i go oh i saw fiona the other day and they go how is she and i'm like yeah well she's chewing on wet wipes now that's where she's up this week yeah it is a great story what would you prefer fiona if uh if if new ones start to go around at any point do you want, do you want the heads up? Do you want us to message you and go, hey, just so you know, this is what's out there. So you might want to rush the new book out because the story's circulating.

Can we spread some positive rumors? I would like to hear it first. I would like to hear it first. You get on with the rumor mongering and I'll come. Whenever I'm on Dum Dum Dum you can just let me know fill me in okay do you want us to

spread any positive ones Fiona is there any like good ones that we can put out there something that you can make up yourself something spectacular

weird and out there but it'll be believable because it's happened to you something good yeah yeah absolutely yeah I'm going to give my kidney to

an Indian boy. What about something good that they can use that's not worn out, though? Yeah, if we just delete this bit and then we have Fiona just, like, saying a positive revelation that she's never said anywhere and then, you know, like the gossip columns and the websites and whatever. They just skim through the episode. They're not hearing the setup. And then we can get it out in the public sphere that way.

Yeah, who have you slept with? What about a celebrity that you could have slept with? Who's not given you an orgasm? Oh, I could meet someone. No, no, let's not do that one. Actually, part of me wants you to. We're meant to do that. No, go on.

It says a lot about your life that you think a me tooing is a positive thing. You're like, yeah, compared to what I've got in the chamber, that's a walk in the park. Maybe that's why you've never had an orgasm, because someone keeps going near your vagina and it's like, me too, me too. It's like, no, no, no, that's supposed to be consensual. It's supposed to be nice.

That's supposed to be a nice experience. In years. Six years, I'd say. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, anyway. What's ahead in the future, Fiona? What have we got coming up?

What's the next phase? What are we aiming for now? We've just heard you've gone number one in the future, Fiona? What have we got coming up? What's the next phase? What are we aiming for now? You've got now, we've just heard you've gone number one in the e-book category off the back of this brand new book. What's the next thing coming up? Well, I'm making a web series. I've been making it since February. And I've nearly got, oh, I've got enough content for six eps,

but I don't have an editor. But that's – I'm doing a show at the Adelaide Festival Theatre, which is the launch of my book, a Q&A with me, and a screening of the first episode of the web series. Oh, nice. What date? That's the early December. Right. Okay.

So go – That's the 4th of December. Go to your website to find out all that. Just hang around at the start early December. Right, okay. That's the 4th of December. Go to your website to find out all that. Just hang around at the start of December. Just hang around for like six or seven days at the front of the theatre and they'll let you know when it's time to come in and watch the show.

You know what? Especially, I mean, given you two have stuff in common, you're both hard at it. You're both hard drinkers and you've got the eyewear. I'm just looking in the Zoom window going, fuck, it's like Batman and Robin here. That's like your wardrobe. I'm putting myself out there as the new Fiona.

Yes, great. You're like the next generation. You're like the Doctor Who. The next, the second Fiona. Well, that's it. I just introduced myself to a daughter as the new Fiona. Yes, you did. I'm the new one. I'm doing everything but the jungle. I don't want to be hungry. I just introduced myself to a daughter as the new Fiona. Yes, you did. I am the new one.

I am. I'm doing everything but the jungle. I don't want to be hungry. I don't want to be hungry. Awesome. So, yeah. Well, the name of the book, again, is? Truths from an Unreliable Witness.

Yep. I should have just called it Clickbait. Yeah. But, like I said, there called it clickbait. Yeah. But like I said, there's so much stuff in it. It's a great read. And it's like, I mean, it's just catching up with what you've been doing the last couple of years with no holds barred. Just absolutely full on. The stuff that, like we said, the stuff that everyone in comedy has been whispering about, you've just put it in print.

So there's no more gossip on Fiona O'Loughlin. it's just it's a book now yeah my dad rang the other night and i had to have the when dad rings you know that old joke i say when my dad rang 20 years ago my husband came out the backyard said fiona your dad's on the phone i'm like oh mom's dead because he never did and when you see your dad when i see dad because he's a farmer and Dad's ain't good at that. And when you see your dad... When I see Dad, because he's a farmer and he's got this mobile phone that he only uses in case Mum loses him, you know, and every now and then he calls you and you know you're in trouble.

And I'm like, oh, God. What did he want? I've got the same set up at home. Yep. He wanted to know if I thought it was a good idea about going as far as I did with Canberra, what happened in Canberra. Right. The emotional rock bottom. And I'm like, well, it's a good idea about going as far as I did with Canberra, what happened in Canberra, the emotional rock bottom.

And I'm like, well, it's a bit late because it's out there. But it's interesting. It's still that shame, you know. It's like, oh, God, Dad, I can't talk about this. It's too excruciating. Is the shame lightened up a bit now that it's out? Now you've just owned it. Well, you've always owned it. Now it's just out there.

I feel, see, people say, you know, how do you say these things so publicly? The public doesn't scare me at all. It's people closest to you. Yeah. Because they've not read the book. They're just reading excerpts in the paper. Because one of my sisters said it's just too confronting. I said, well, try living it.

My mum rang me up to say, oh, Fiona, you you know because she knows everyone that went to my wedding because she's like oh i i met all those people and they're really nice people so she's had a great time with your folks at your wedding yeah well she said fiona's in the paper did you get the paper today because fiona's in it i'm like no no i got the book and she's like yeah i'm thinking like my mum doesn't read at all she goes i I think I might get Fiona's book now off the back of that. And I was like, no, I don't reckon this is the one book you should start reading at home, I reckon. Yeah, start with some spot and work your way up.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's not a duty pick call, is it? Maybe read Corinne Grant's book on decluttering first. Work your way first. Yeah. Work your way up. Yeah, for sure. I want to just tack this quick one on. We were talking earlier in the episode about the story of you being put

into an ambulance after a gig, the story that me and Carl feature in. And in the break that we've taken from recording, I was telling that story to someone and I remembered this detail about it um where you are on the stage passed out at this gig and then me and Carl are looking at each other going you know what do we do here we've got to wrap the gig up and you kind of motion me back onto the stage like into the microphone I go up and I lean down to check that you're okay and And you whisper in my ear and go, tell everyone to give it up for Charlie Sheen. Back in my time, it was Charlie Sheen.

Because, you know, he had been in the news heaps at the time for being like off his head. And so I say that into the mic. No one in the audience had heard that. You just give me this direct instruction. I go, all right, everyone, give it up for Charlie Sheen. And he fucking destroys and that to me that is like that's peak o'loughlin that's like even even at your worst just like so fucking funny like having to be bundled into an audience but still able into an ambulance but still able to get something out that fucking kills. And that is what has always been so appealing about you.

Oh, Tommy, that is the best story I've ever heard. Shame you couldn't be there for it. It's a real river. Great work being David Strasman with your little boy puppet there, by the way, just feeding a line into it. Thank God we had that break in recording. We should do this more often. Just take a couple of days to remember some stories

and let the first half of the ep kind of percolate and then we can come back. Is that true? Is that story true? Yeah, totally. I may have told it on here before. I can't remember. I don't remember it.

I don't remember. Really? Yeah, I was telling my girlfriend. I was like, I should bring this back up on here because it's funny. Yeah. Oh, my God. Great. I'm so glad you got a great laugh.

I'm glad for you. My first ever. Yeah, thank you for that. I'm glad for you, I'm sorry. My first ever, yes. Thank you for that. So guys, go out, grab the book, whether it's an e-book or grab the physical copy that's in the bookshops at the moment. It's a great read.

I read it in like two days. So very easy reading, very entertaining. Georgie, what have you got going on? I've got a book deal as well. Yes, she's got a book deal. I'm nearly finished it. Oh, really? Yeah,

so I've got like just the obviously nurse based just opinion piece. I won't be able to nurse afterwards let's put it like that. So I'm telling the stories of people like you

that come in hospital. That's awesome. Right. Package deal, yes. That's great. That's great. That's awesome if you've got Fiona's version of the hospitalisation

than your version. Get the full picture. I love it. Awesome. And you're online. You're like Nurse Georgie Carroll on all the social medias and everything like that. Have you got a video online at the moment? I'm still biggest on Facebook, mate. I'm still a Facebooker.

Go on, what were you saying? Have you got a video online at the moment? I'm still biggest on Facebook, me. I'm still a Facebooker. Go on, what were you saying? Do you have a video online or anything like that at the moment? Did you have a full stand-up hour? Do you know I went viral? I went fucking viral. Did you? Yeah, I got six million. Yeah.

Try telling your kids that you can't get self-esteem from social media after that happens. Six million? I'm like, oh, you can't get self-esteem from social media after that happens. Six million? I'm like, oh, you can, boys. If you got, Georgie, if you got six million hits, I'd imagine straight after that you were doing what, to yourself, what Fiona's never done to herself. That's a great effort. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, without even touching it, mate, without even touching it. So, yeah, so, yeah. That's on my Facebook. So, yeah. Just Georgie Carroll. Yeah. That would be me. Awesome. Great.

Awesome. Thanks, ladies. Thanks so much for being part of the show. Thank you. Tommy, that's the best laugh I've had all day. All right, guys. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. See you, mate. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Oh, Tommy, I wholeheartedly agree with you in the same room. Feels good. Feels good not to give any of the hot shots at Zoom any more of our hard-earned cash this week. Yeah, they have been making a good little pretty penny off us

in our little live shows. Exactly. They charge you a fair amount of money. Can we have 20 more people in this call? Yes, for $500. Yeah. That makes sense. That's a dollar amount that you can definitely equate to.

You know what? They're charging us. They're making a pretty penny and a few ugly ones as well. They don't care the attractiveness of the pennies they They're charging us. They're making a pretty penny and a few ugly ones as well. They don't care. They don't care the attractiveness of the pennies they're taking off us. The more the merrier, they say. A few bush pick pennies. Yeah.

They're like a bit of an orgy of pennies. They're just not interested at all. They'll have a good-looking penny, like Penny from, what's it called? Not Third Rock from the Sun. The Big Bang Theory. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And called? Not Third Rock from the Sun, the Big Bang Theory. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll get Penny Marshall from Laverne and Shirley. What do you think is the sexiest piece of Australian currency?

The sexiest piece? Yeah. Well, I've said this before, but my favourite coin is the $1 coin. Okay. But I think sexier. I think the $ dollar coin is sick i like it too i like it i like a fat bottom yeah yeah it is it's a short little yeah short little big big thick dump truck on that two dollar coin it is sexiest i would say i was gonna say i have a soft spot for for the 50 cent piece just because it's so unusual. But unusual doesn't mean

sexy. That said though, the new $50 notes, seeing a crisp one of them slide out of the ATM. Must be nice. Mmm. I don't think I have. I'm still using

things from under the mattress. Still working through the mattress. I'm still using things from under the mattress. Still working through the mattress. I'm still using the pound notes I saved from Ye Olde Comedy Shop in 1922. Yeah, yeah. You tried to pay me back for something the other day using a thruppence, and I was like, I don't know where I'm going to cash this in. Hey, the two to three convenience store over the road still use them, all right? Hey, the two to three convenience store over the road still use them, all right?

But yeah, we are back in the same room. Talking Dum Dum is now ahead of the curve, ahead of the little Dum Dum Club itself. That episode was recorded over Zoom. We've tested positive for comedy. Yep. But having said that, we've also found... What's the swab for that? We've also found zero new cases for jokes in this episode. What's the average down to?

The rolling 10-year average. We're at 1.2. But yeah, what the people want to know is, and boy, I tell you what, I've been itching to hear this in the same room for many, many months now. Has Bernie kicked a big one? I think Fiona's kicked, apparently kicked the habit, but Bernie's kicked a big one. Uh-huh.

Okay. But yeah, maybe let's talk briefly about that episode. As we mentioned, that was, and I don't know how you've edited it, but Fiona basically ran out of the room. Fiona ran out of the room at some point and we figured that that's probably the end of her recording bit. Yeah, I'm not up to that bit yet as we're recording this. So it's either been a seamless job and you've stitched me up by mentioning it. Yeah. Or I've just decided it's too fucking hard to edit around and there's just a big old two-second pause.

Well, we talk about it anyway, don't we? Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so that was fucking much fun. But what else do you expect from the first lady of Australian comedy, Fiona Lachlan? But very nice of her to get on board. I did speed read her book and it is worth a purchase, I think. Yeah, it's great. And Fiona's great.

She was great in this thing. Yep. We had fun with her, as we always do, but very generous of her to get involved. And I know it's hard because we were like on Zoom talking to her and we're like saying, I felt a little bit bad going, well, here's what you did that fucked up in the book. And she's like going, oh, God, like she's uncomfortable on the Zoom call. Yeah. It was like, there is 50 50 000 copies of this going out there

into the literary ether so i'm not i'm not telling tales out of school yeah that would be great in the book if you're like oh my god you're like typing out like oh gosh i can't believe i'm writing this oh this is so embarrassing i'm not telling tales out of school i'm not telling tales out of dimmicks like this is all in a fucking book that you can go and get i've just mentioned a few i've just mentioned a very small amount of fucked up things that you did that's what this book's about yep but but definitely get out it is out now um go and check it out because yeah i've read it as well and uh it's it's it's awesome it's a very easy read yes i found it very easy to digest in spite of the uh you know, at times very difficult subject matter. It's a real cruisy read.

Words per page, I think, help. It's one of those nice layouts where it's not too dense. I read a book the other day that was like, fuck, it must have been like 500 words per page or something. This was like three or four, I think. I'm reading a book at the moment where, yeah, same thing. three or four I think so I'm reading a book at the moment where yeah same thing lots of words per page and also a lot of huge huge chunks where you know when you get a page where it's just people talking back and forth and you know this is a fucking walk in the park yeah but then you're getting to just like huge chunks of you turn the page and then just like we're back into like if

I'm reading at night and I'm about to go to sleep and I see that I'm just like I'll kind of skim ahead a bit I'm like if there's no dialogue on the horizon i'm out for the night right i can't do this right i can't wade through four pages of brutal description about a fucking building or whatever get some chit chat in there yeah yeah i do you know what i do i put on my to-do list i'll put uh read 20 pages or read 30 pages today and i go great and then all of a sudden it'll get near the end of the day and I'm like, fuck, I haven't read those pages yet. So like it's late at night, I'll start reading. Okay, I'll do this before bed.

Then all of a sudden, end of a chapter, free page, blank page there. Thank you very much. Oh, what's this? A picture layout thing of six pages. Fuck yeah. Well, they count. They all count. What about this?

This happened in a book I was reading the other day. The picture layout... By the way, is this like, instead of at the movies, this is Tommy and Carl at the library? Also, by the way, when I go the picture layout bit or whatever... By the way, I used to be a professional book designer. I don't remember what it's called. Does it have an actual name?

It's one of those. It doesn't need one, you called. Does it have an actual name? Yeah. It's one of those. It doesn't need one. No. You say picture pages. We get it. Well, there's probably a shortcut than saying picture pages in a book. Yeah. You don't want to be talking to a boss at a publishing house saying that.

Will you be able to answer this question for me? So those pages, they're always just whacked in based on what page number they're at yeah and it always annoys me depending on the binding yeah yeah yeah because it annoys me because you'll be you know you're like mid you know you're mid paragraph you're mid reading something and then all of a sudden here's eight pages of pictures yep chuck them in at the end of a chapter it drives me it drives me and we'll fucking find a chapter. It drives me insane. Well, fucking find a way. It drives me insane. If the Chinese can manufacture a virus in a lab,

why can't publishers work out how to get a picture insert into a natural break in the story? Instead of blaming it on the bat, blame it on the penguin. Also, because often, yeah, it's mostly common in autobi uh autobiographies or you know non-fiction or whatever yeah um you'll have like a layout of stuff and you know you you're often like you're looking at the pictures and it's like oh yeah i was just reading about that yeah but then sometimes you're reading through the picture bit and it's like who the fuck's this yeah i'm not

up to this yeah spoilers you're getting spoilers in the middle of the picture i know i try not to read ahead in the picture we absolutely need in 2020 we need a full rethinking of the way this picture insert is done it's it's been it's been like this for too long it's a tough one it's a very tough one because you know how you know how books if you pick up a book you know what it really is is people think, oh, it's just one big block of pages, I guess. No, it's like 16 pages is basically eight pages folded in half. And there's just heaps of those stuck together and bound together. So it's like a run of 16. So you can't – they'll give you the option at the book publishing house.

They'll go, where do you want your inserts, your picture inserts? At 16 or at 32 or at 48, whatever it is. So that's how that works. So that's where you get the job. Well, then if I'm writing a book where I'm in that position, I'm then going back and I'm trimming down chapters or I'm filling them out just to make sure that the insert comes at the right time. The only way you can do that is if you write and design your own book that's the only time you can fix that

yourself okay because then you can write you can write your book put the pictures in then you go fuck there's a spoiler there okay you know what um there's five pages before the picture insert there's one word per page yes yeah exactly yeah and then people like you who've set themselves a limit of of like having to read this number of pages in a day. Yeah. You're getting an easy one too. Or you get to the picture inserts and you just start like putting black boxes over people's

faces and stuff, censoring the last couple of pictures. Oh, the sealed section. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tear this out when you're 20 pages in. Or just scribble over their faces and over their names so that there's no spoilers.

Redacted. Yeah, redacted. In your own book, yeah. A couple of redacted faces. Yep. Because we got sent an advanced PDF copy of the book. Yep. Is there a photos page in Fiona's book?

That would be great. Just a pic of the hand sanitizer. Yeah. Just all these blurry photos of the thirsty camel and BWS. Yeah, exactly. I don't think... I think she took too many pictures in her coma.

It's me in the toilet. She's like, I've got my head in the fucking toilet screaming, someone save me. And it's like, better get a pic of this while I'm down here.

No, I don't think she had the wherewithal to take too many pictures during too many of her benders. Shame. I bet she did. Give a look back over your camera roll the day after a big one and been like, what the fuck was I thinking with this? Well, of course, we've put on pause the great idea of the photo exhibition of her

taking pictures of fucking weird people when she's out and about. So that's the true crime of this pandemic is that's been put on hold. That had to be put on hold. Yeah, we did do a little, we did sort of a little mini preview version of it in one of the live Zoom shows that we did. Oh, we did too. But we didn't release that anywhere. But just because we had screen share as an option, we thought, you know what, this has

been delayed. This is a good, it's a good way of sort of, you know, get test running this idea and getting it out. Yep. And I believe you got the unfiltered – didn't you get sent a folder of like 800 of these pictures that you had to find five good ones in? Yeah, yeah. Just so many people were just like, it's not funny just to take a picture

of a person of a different race. That's just not that funny. Yep, yep. But anyway, yeah, good on Fiona. Always, always love having her on the show. And we also do need to shout out Georgie as well, who basically organized, was our person on the ground back in Adelaide. Exactly. Organizing all of that for us.

Can you imagine Fiona having access or knowing how to fucking, you know, record a podcast? No. Yeah. So Georgie was very, very kind, very nice of her to help us out with that. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you to Georgie. All right.

Should we crack into other segments of the show? Yep. The CBS mailbag. The CBS Mailbag. CBS Mailbag. Which you've sort of already started opening. Yeah. Should we, do we do the jingle? Do we do it here?

Yeah. Okay. Here we go. One, two, three, four. Get down to the spot. We'll get sadder, sadder, sadder. So we'll let them snap that. And we're back.

Good. No, I'm, you know what? I'm delivering bits of CBS Mailbag that you haven't got. Delayed. Yeah, delayed. Massive postal delay, even in this segment. There's some ramen that someone sent months ago that we talked about. Now, what's next? What do we got?

Quick shout out, because some of these are fucking dumb things. This is exciting for me, because I haven't gotten to do a um irl cbs mailbag in quite some time in fact i think the last time i did it i don't know if it even had the name the cbs mailbag yeah right um we got like we're getting plenty of dumb stuff at the moment which um is fine because that's what we asked for but what i I particularly, what I always enjoy is someone sending mail where like, so shout out to a listener, Amber Livesey, okay, from the United States of America. Shout out to you. You're doing it hard over there at the moment.

What I love is that we've got this parcel in the mail. Great. You know, again, like I've always said, what's better than getting things in the mail yeah nothing the best so she's from salt lake city i get this parcel this thick you know heavy parcel from salt lake city good size parcel too okay nice little compact thing where you go this could be anything yeah it'd be some exciting really exciting yeah there's a there's a there's a package in my mail room of my apartment building at the moment that's been there for a week Whoever it is has just not gone and picked it up

And it's got heft to it And I'm just eyeing it off every day Just like fuck I want to open this I don't want what's in it It feels like it's going to be a really satisfying one to rip open You know what we should do We should go to one of those auctions

Don't they have auctions of shit that goes to the fucking post office it doesn't get picked up or oh and cars as well there's like storage lockers yeah if people have like not paid their bill and whatever yeah and then after a certain point it's just like yeah yeah those shows where people are just bidding on the hope that there's going to be like an original rembrandt in there or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. We should go to one of them. Okay. So Amber, thank you to Amber in the USA, in Salt Lake City, sending us this sweet looking parcel. Then you open it and it's like she's just sent just a couple of bags of lollies. Okay. Just like really cheap lollies from America.

Okay. Which is very appreciated. Cool. Yeah. I reckon it's probably about $3 worth. Uh-huh. You look at the parcel. She paid $39.60. Appreciate it. I reckon it's probably about $3 worth. Uh-huh. You look at the parcel. She paid $39.60 in postage.

Incredible. Fucking hell. And like, what are the lollies? Just stuff that's also readily available. It'd be great if it's just like international brand, like Skittles, not even like, you know. Look, Tommy, I'd love to pull them out right now and show you. But I left them on my bench and my wife ate all of them. Wow.

Just left them there waiting to bring to here. And then went to pick them up today and went, where are those lollies? And she went, what lollies? I'm like, well, good question. Blew around the mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Starts putting on this big thing of like going, I don't even know what you're talking about. I'm like, there's literally lolly wrappers here.

Like, there was two, here's the box. It's like a decent sized box. Now there's like, there was honestly like about four lollies and I'm like, that used to be

two big bags of lollies. And what were, can you remember what they were called? Honestly, I didn't open them. She ate the wrappers as well? Yeah.

I opened them and I was just like, Jackie Queensland's done it again. Yeah, they're fucking gone and she puts on this show and I'm like, you've got to be kidding. I'm like, I don't even know.

What are you talking about? Okay, there's all these lollies. And she goes, oh, there was like some bags with like holes in them that you were eating out of. I go, don't push this on me. I didn't eat any of them. That's pretty good. And so she's gone to holes.

Or maybe they fell out. I'm like, you are a shocking liar. That's pretty good. You are the worst at this. That's pretty good. You are the worst at this. That's pretty good. She goes on for another couple of little bouts and tries to put a few jabs in. And then I'm just going, by the way, you're not getting out of this. There's only me and you that live in this house.

It's you that's done this. Could have been the baby. Could have been the cat. Yeah, well, I'm surprised they didn't get blamed on it. Yeah. That's the perfect. Why else would you have a kid? It's't get blamed on it. Yeah. And then she sort of... That's the perfect... Why else would you have a kid? It's a scapegoat.

Yeah, yeah. For the years where it can't really talk properly and defend itself, you can just blame everything on it. And she just puts her hands up in the air and goes, okay, I did it. I'm like, well, I just... You know, I was bringing them to...

And then I start going, fuck. I mean, what am I really saying? I'm like, oh, I need these for the podcast. I don't really need them for the podcast. Yeah. This is actually better than you just going here are the lollies and us going, oh, yeah. Yeah. This is, your wife's actually done you a favor.

Yeah. I go, for some reason, I just go, well, Tommy was really looking forward to this. And she's, oh, no, now I need to go out and buy a heap of lollies for Tommy. Oh, great. And I'm like, no, don't do that. No, do it. Tell her to send it to P.O. Box 6063.

Okay. All right. All right. So, so thanks, Amber. From Jackie Jolly Rancher. Yeah. But then I thought, you know what? I don't need to, I don't need the reinforcement with lollies, especially for you, because

then I remembered we've got another parcel. Again, from someone who lives in America, listener Mike Brown. Oh, yes. Brownie. And I think he's just done this because we talked about, can we talk about like someone that sent us all those Bertie Beetle? Again. Yes.

People just sending us dog shit lollies that cost two cents, but then spending 50 bucks to fucking post them to us. Yep. There's got to be a more economical way of giving us garbage cheap lollies yeah just give us a gift voucher to the fucking toilet just call like the 7-elevens that are near our houses and just put credit on for it just give us store credit look it does that does go around the idea of the great thing about us getting mail at p.o box 6063 to be honest so um but he so he's fuck look what he he sent us a fucking like birdie beetle show bag with like birdie dude look at that

i've already got one of them up there the birdie beetle cooler bag oh yeah yeah how did you get one i bought one at the uh melbourne show last year when we went right and that that was the reason i so it's for listeners it's a little blue like a little cooler bag that fits about six cans of beer in it. And when Parks reopened here, boy, oh, boy, did that come in handy. Look at this. More Birdie Beetle Bonanza bag. Birdie Beetle Bonanza bag. Look at this.

What would you say? That's like double A3. So that's A2. That's an A2 size. If anyone knows what A2 size, it's double a laptop screen. Yeah, it's huge. That's how big it is. It's huge.

Have a look what's inside it. Seven Bertie Beatles. Unbelievable stuff. And also, this is the same Mike Brown who, in the early years of this podcast, as a thank you for getting free content from us, this man took us out for a dinner at a steakhouse in Richmond. Just down the road from here. Just down the road from here. Just down the road from my house.

Vlado's in Melbourne. Bridge Road. A listener just hits us up and goes, hey boys, can I take you out for a steak dinner? And we, for some reason, say, yeah, sure. So this is a dramatic slide from the days of getting a free steak dinner. Now we're getting seven chocolates that cost about 30 cents each. Is that a review of the podcast that we show?

Like your old stuff better than your new stuff. Exactly. Your old stuff was a fucking all-you-can-eat steak session. This week, it's a fucking 15-cent lolly. Well, it's like wedding anniversaries. You know, what is it? Like wood, silver, whatever. The podcasting anniversary, one year steak,

10 years is birdie people. Great. All right. Well, thanks, Mike. steak, ten years is... Great. All right. Well, thanks, Mike. Thanks, Mike. Yeah. Okay. Well, let's... Look, it did come with a few other bits of fucking absolute bullshit as well.

I think, you know, what we want to say is like, obviously, yes, we appreciate it. You know, getting stuff in the mail is great and appreciate that that's what people are trying to do with the lollies but if we could just if we could have a bit of a freeze on the junk food because we're sort of swimming in it at the moment if people could maybe think outside the box a little bit not to sound unappreciative if it's quality junk food i'm all for it but if it's if it's this knockoff stuff that um at least makes stuff that my wife won't eat. Oh, yeah. If you're in a country that has stuff that we can't easily get here.

Like if you live in Japan and you want to send us weird Kit Kats and stuff like people were doing back in the day. Oh, fuck yeah. Things of that nature. Yeah. The sort of thing that I assume this person from Salt Lake City did. Yes. Well, yeah. It'd be nice if we knew.

Yeah. But the evidence is gone can you describe what they were they were not they were like american novelty sort of little like i thought it was going to be like because people always show us those there might have been some dum-dums you know how the lollipops the lollipop yeah there might have been some of them maybe okay um there's a bunch of yeah stuff we can't get which would have been nice to to show off to you did you even get a review from your wife? No, I was lucky to get her to fucking admit she'd had any.

Can you text her now and say, at the very least, can you just tell me? No, I won't get a response. She's at work. She'll freak out. She'll freak out. She'll, yeah, she'll freak out. All right. Is that it, CBS Melbourne?

Oh, you know what I'll say at the end of that? Because that's our little back and forth. Like I've said on the show before, our little back and forth, pretending that we haven't eaten anything in front of each other. Oh, yes, yes, yes. We haven't eaten junk food in front of each other. So that was her serve. So then I'm like, well, well, well.

You've got credit. Yeah, yeah. And then she goes into a, yeah into yeah well I saw it on fucking Instagram yesterday you've eaten fucking paddle pops so what the fuck's going on with that

oh yeah good point oh okay didn't cover your tracks very well there I didn't think you followed us on Instagram so you should have done

the close friends thing and it's just like goes out to every follower except her yeah because if you follow us on the Instagram

the last week I've been I got so excited about the paddle pops put out a strawberry milkshake flavor. And I could not fucking find them anywhere. Couldn't find them anywhere. No grocery, no supermarkets near my house had them. Then a lot of listeners were sending in things that you could use the app to find out any form of grocery whether they're in different stores

or yeah so i'm like fuck i didn't even know that so then i looked it up i find out that they're in one that's like 5k away so i run 5k do my run that night to go yep get to get an ice cream get them yep they're gone by the time i get there they're fucking gone in an hour they're fucking gone yeah i'm just like broken because i'd like run quite well yeah to get there your best time still not fast enough yeah that's life yeah and then i get there and then i always hate this that idea of you go in there and then you just walk out of a supermarket going like empty and people look at you going what were you and you can't easily get out you've either got to like walk through the entrance that one-way automatic door, or you've got to push past people who are in the checkout bit.

And I always feel like the assumption is like, this guy's stolen something and he's not even buying a dummy item to throw us off the scent. He's just wholesale walking out the door with his pockets full. Either that and or just like, how the fuck do you not find vaguely what you needed in a supermarket? There's so much shit in here. Do you just walk in and go, oh no, I was looking for milk but I couldn't find it. Oh, actually I've changed my mind. I don't need groceries.

I'm not hungry anymore actually. I think I'm actually just going to stop eating. Yeah, yeah. I forgot. I forgot I hate dinner. I forgot. That would be funny To just go in With a trolley

And you're in there for eight You make sure that like Every staff member Sees you in there Filling up a trolley Full of groceries And then You get to the end of it

The trolley's full And then you just Systematically go back Through the supermarket Putting every single thing You've gotten back Onto the shelf Yeah

Just to see if they Come up to you and go Sorry but What the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Yeah. It's, oh, no, just window shopping at Woolworths today, actually. Just thought I'd check out what you guys have got down here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never been in here. Tried it on. Not really for me. Yeah, yeah. Look, picked up the milk, thought, nah, a bit heavy, actually. I might chop elsewhere. Yeah.

Yeah. I might, wasn't enough calcium for me. I might go over to Coles and see if they've got any better stuff. I'm trying to lose a bit of weight and then I'll probably come back and get some stuff. I'll be a bit more in the mood. This bread is $2. Would you do it for $1.50? I'll walk.

I'll walk. Okay, I'm going. But yeah, thank you to everyone who sent stuff into the CBS mailbag. Yeah, I'd love to have sent stuff into the CBS mailbag. Yeah. I'd love to have sent in some strawberry paddle pops, but it doesn't really work that way in the old mailbox. But I did find them and have a secret little eat in my... That's what I did, actually. I was like...

Because you buy them, there's like an eight-pack. I'm like, I can't bring them home and confess. I can't bring them home and have them in the house. Yep. So I just sit in my car and like eat one, go, oh, I've paid $7 for this. I can't just eat one of them and pay $7. So I eat two.

It still only averages these out. They're not really worth $3.50 each, are they? So I have the third one. Oh, my God. So that's like, what, $2.30, something like that, $2.30? That's a great, that's a fine point to get out at. That's okay, I reckon. I reckon, yeah.

But just in case. Just in case. Just in case. Yeah. Just to lower that rolling average. So four, that's like, what, $1. $1.75? Yeah, something like that.

That's okay. That's cheaper than what you'd pay what would you pay in a milk bar you'd probably pay about three dollars wouldn't you no no not for a paddle pot

for a paddle pot really they're they're what like 150 or something like that I mean I haven't bought one in so I feel like they I feel like that's what

I remember them being so by now they're probably like three you know I remember a magnum was always like the most expensive ice cream at two dollars

yeah and then I think they're like six bucks now or something crazy like that. Yeah, they're about $4 or $5. Yeah. So, yeah, got out at $4. Not a great idea to eat four ice creams in a row.

No. Not a good idea to eat four of anything in a row. No. So then I've still got four to go. Yeah. So then I do this often. I want to get something that comes in like eights or tens or whatever it is. I want it but then you then you you either eat them all and you feel sick and that's just a crazy thing to do so i was like driving around trying to figure out who can i give these to yeah i'm like

hitting up people going like friends of the show going do you want any ice cream and they're like we're not home what are you talking about yeah I've just got ice cream that I bought and that, you know, I think people should have. So I was like this. I was the ice cream man. Yeah, Mr. Whippy. Yeah. Drive around. I just didn't have a jingle on the outside of my car going, who wants these ice cream

for free? And everyone's like, no, fuck off. Yeah, there's no jingle. There's you leaning out the window going, fuck you. No, me hanging out the window going, I feel sick! Who wants the rest of them? Did you? So who did you give them to?

No one. No one's home. Wow. I just turfed them. Who was the first person you tried? Kappa. Yeah. So I bought a four pack of beers the other day that...

Because you think... I always think of Kappa because I just think, this poor cunt. He needs charity. Even ice cream. Well, I bought a four pack of these beers that were like cucumber flavoured. I always think of Kappa because I just think, this poor cunt, he needs charity. Even ice cream. Well, I bought a four-pack of these beers that were like cucumber-flavoured and tried one and I was like, this is one of the worst things I've ever had. This is disgusting. I don't want these.

I don't want these. And like, I don't want to just throw them out. And then because Kappa's always posting about like craft beer and stuff on his thing, I was like, so I messaged him and he's like, yeah, I had that beer and I loved it. So I took it around and fuck, it felt good. It's just a good feeling. Turning up with just three beers. It's like you feel like you're doing something even good, even though it's just basically me going,

I can't be fucked putting this in the bin so you can have it instead. Yeah. I did something recently the other day that was very similar to that. I did that with beer and this terrible beer that I bought at our local bottle shop, our shared bottle shop. Yep. They ran out of all the Thai beer. All they had left was some of that crystal stuff. Yep. Do you know what that is?

We talked about it that week on the show. Did we? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Anyway, I got some of that and left it at Blakey's and I just just get a message from every day now going come and pick up your shit beer no one in this house wants your fucking shit beer yep yeah and it's that thing where you go no but it's my donation to the to the house it's like it's like going to the op shop going here's my broken fucking soiled mattress it's for free nothing worse like yeah when you have a house party and you can often bank on

one you know one or two stray beers from a few people being left behind and you go great it's my little my little fee for hosting these people yeah i got basically a six-pack yeah but when it's the person that was just drinking their shittest beer at the party it's like oh yeah you've left a whole six-pack yeah i'm never gonna get around to these You've left rubbish Yeah Thanks I have to chuck out four beers now Oh yeah You've left some piss in my toilet Yeah yeah Thank you sir

Alright So let's crack on to The segment of the show Where we talk about The beautiful Patreon subscribers out there That fill our coffers Yep That oil our gaskets

If that's a thing Yep That keep the motor running on this show on Little Dumb Dumb Club. Thank you very much for continuing to subscribe. And yeah, look, 10th anniversary last week. If you want to give us a present, fucking jump in. Jump on in. Good time to get in.

We've pumped out a lot of extra content. Yep. It is a lot of fun. So thank you to everyone that's existing. Thank you to everyone who's been doing that along the way new subscribers welcome patreon.com

slash little dumb dumb club two mini episodes a week on the you know we put these out every Wednesday but these like

fill the gaps on Monday and Friday Mondays and Fridays if you're on the $10 tier you get two a week if you're on the $5 tier

you get two a month so one on the last of the month and one on the $10 tier, you get two a week. If you're on the $5 tier, you get two a month. So one on the last of the month and one on the first of the month. All right. Let's crank open the UCA, the Unplanned Title Alternator. Find out what we've got here. What are we working with? Okay.

Number one this week. First cap off the rank. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber... Rees Titty. Rees Titty? R-E-Y-S. Rees. Is that Rees?

I guess, yeah. T-I-double-D-Y. Hang on, what was before the Y? A pair of double Ds. Yeah. T-I-double-D-Y. Now, hang on. What was before the Y? A pair of double Ds. Oh, it's good to be back. Wow. I mean, sometimes this can be a bit of a slog.

Yeah. But then that just amplified over Zoom. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting fucking John Michaels and having a fucking riff on that one into the webcam. Oh, look, that would have been a nice one somewhere. But then this one, I mean, we could be doing this over a fucking Milo can in two different

time zones. Yeah. And I reckon we'd still have a fucking pretty good time. Yeah. With a pair of double Ds in the middle. Double Ds in the middle of titty. Yeah. Amazing. It's like there's a bit of motorboating D's in the middle of Titty. Yeah. Amazing.

It's like there's a bit of motorboating going on in the middle of the last name. Wow. You know what I mean? Wow. And a bit of a shock for Parole Grease, who I'm sure has never heard this before. No.

Yeah. Yeah. Titty. His whole world's crumbling down around him. He's like, why did no one tell me? Yeah. I feel like a fucking idiot. He goes back to the rest of the titty family and goes,

have you ever heard of any of this stuff? Yep. Mum, please. We're adults. You can call me by my real first name. Okay, Baps. Baps Titty. Maybe there was a kid at his school that had the surname Hooters.

So he may have grown up with someone with a much more overt one. He's just avoided detection. Yeah, possibly. Johnny Funbags. Or maybe he's got that first name. Because you heard me stumble over it. R-E-Y-S. Is it Rees or is it Reese?

Maybe there's a bit of that it's they're trying to bury the lead there they've gone let's give a little bit of a confusing name so people are like Rees Rees

Rees and they just completely just read over the the surname going we've got the problem up front here let's

we're speaking about up front but we've got the problem up at the start here let's worry about this before and they lose interest

by the time they get to the surname there's too much to work with in the first name i'm trying to think if uh because part of my brain goes is this like a fake name you know what i'm like is there a way that you know if we were just like am i reading it wrong does it really reading it wrong it's pronounced big it's big thank you to Patreon subscriber Big Titties. Yeah. Big ol' titties. You know what's the only thing better than having a big pair of donations over the last two months from Big Reese or Big Titty as he's want to be known by us? He is a $30 a month-er. Oh, my God.

Wow. Talk about good. Yeah. What a set. Yeah, exactly. Yes. Great. There we go.

Yeah, just all that money jiggling into our coffers. Yeah. Nothing better. The two bigger, you know, that's so many coins that you wouldn't be able to fit it into just one bag of money. Right. You'd need two big bags. Yeah.

15 in each. You know what? You'd have a lot of fun with them as well, wouldn't you? Woo! Yep. Yep. Yes. I'd like to...

Tell you what. I'd like to suck on those two bags of money Put my dick in between Well I mean There's a lot of fun to be had And we've certainly You know Blown that load of fun

Yep All over this name Let's just do one this week It's not going to get any better than this Fuck doing four more of these Or however many we might do Yeah I mean By the time we do the other ones I think we'll feel like It's not going to get any better than this. Fuck doing four more of these, or however many we might do. Yeah, I mean, by the time we do the other ones,

I think we'll feel like a real pair of boobs overlooking all the fun to be had on these two. Oh, my God. It feels good. I feel overwhelmed. I feel completely overwhelmed. This name's a real handful. Yeah, more than a handful. More than a handful.

Yeah, that is not a flat donation every month, is it? Certainly it's enough money. You wouldn't be able to buy a surfboard with that. No. You'd have some real back problems carrying all that money around. Yep, yep, yep. Boys and their toys. Good on you, Mike.

Thanks for the birdie beetles. Ten years, baby. We are comedically jerking off all over this right now. Yeah. At the thought of all this money coming in. Yeah. So much. You know what?

30 bucks. You know what? 30 bucks a month lifetime over 10 months you know what that equals 300 if you see that spelled out you know what that looks like the three looks like a sideways pair of titties very nice and then the two zeros i mean why are you why are you saying a sideways? It sort of looks like. Why are you bothering with that when bringing up the rear, you've got two beautiful ones right there. But that's sideways plus fully upright ones. Yeah. Just there's no more titty than this guy's amount of donations. Exactly.

Yeah. Crazy. God, I hope it's actually a guy. Me too. Me too. If this is a woman, we're in big trouble. I'm just serious. Oh, fuck, it might not be.

It might be a girl. No. No. Because I've Googled, and the first thing that comes up is that chick from fucking Star Wars. That was her name. Oh, my God. What if this is her? Rey.

Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. Fuck. Oh, God, no. Fuck. I can't even find Rey. How does that pronounce? Rey or Rey?

First time in four months I've been allowed a visitor in the house, and I'm going to get fucking cancelled because of it. Fuck. I just had such a hard-on, and now it's such shrinkage immediately. God. There's no... Quick, type faster. I can't find another...

I can't find someone called Ray. Ray is like R-E-Y-S. Which makes me think now that this is some fucking form of entrapment. And we're going to jail. Do the old thing where you go onto the... I've got to go onto Facebook. Go onto Facebook, into the Patreon group and search in there.

Jesus fucking Christ. This is tense. Oh my God. Are we dead? Is the podcast cancelled? Oh fuck. All right, members. Oh no, now I'm thinking about members

going in between those big T's. No, no, just stop. Just type quicker. Just keep typing. It's all going to be okay. It's all going to be okay. It's all going to be okay. Here we go. Here we go.

Yes, I found them. Okay. Yep. Click on profile. Yep. Click. Oh, gentlemen, we're safe. Oh, I feel those goosebumps on the legs right now.

It's some dumb fuck guy. Yes. Thank you. Oh. Oh. Now watch this drive. It's some dumb fuck guy. Yes. Thank you. Oh. Oh. Now watch this drive. It's some guy.

Ladies and gentlemen. It couldn't be any more manly. We got him. He plays footy. He's got like some fucking profile of him. Yeah, there we go. Medals around his neck. He's literally got a picture of a medal between his two big titties. All right.

Anyway, where were we? I would like to put my erect penis in between this gentleman's big, big, bouncing, jiggling tits and work myself to the point of climax.

Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks, Rhys. Thank God. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks, Rhys. Thanks, Rhys. Yeah. All right.

Now, thank you very much to, let's calm down. Thank you very much to our Patreon subscriber, number two for this week, Adrian Gray. This is what I was talking about.

Yeah. Doing this over Zoom. You know what this is? This is, this is, this is this over Zoom You know what this is This is This is This is You know the bit in bed where Well the bit after even pornography When you

The great Norm Macdonald Norm Macdonald joke where he would He says basically something like Man I was watching pornography the other night And it's so It was so good It was the most amazing thing I've ever seen

It was so great And then all of a sudden I was like Well well, this is pretty average. Yep. We blew our load on Reece Titty and all of a sudden, this is what we've got to deal with. This is where our mind is now. Adrian Gray. Just very, very

great. Couldn't be any greater in comparison. And it's also like, yeah, he's been done no favours by following up Reece Titty. But I think even just in isolation, this is bad stuff. Yeah, you're right. It's like comedy. He's followed some open mic who's gone up on stage just after Dave Hughes has blown the roof off with his conspiracy theories and anti-masking ideas.

And Adrian Gray's come on there. And you think that would kill? It's so ridiculous. It's a QAnon comedy hut. Yeah, yeah. That's where it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Adrian Gray's come up there wearing a mask going,

what's been going on, guys? Yeah. I've been in my basement for six months. Boo! Yeah, I mean, he hasn't read the room at all no he's come into a conspiracy night wearing the mask and all that i mean i think this guy yeah i think this guy deserves to bomb yeah that's that's that's what it feels like right now he's walked on stage and we're very cool we're not booing him but it's like what a letdown you know

all that material that hughes he had before about you know how the virus isn't real yep open everything up and we've just gone we love that yep but now adrian gray not for me not for me gray in name gray in nature i'm sorry to say that's it in comparison this had a lead this had of opened the show fine with it fine with it i think i'd i'd still have some i'd still have some issues would you yeah oh look maybe you should be reading the uta actually because maybe his name is like adrian yellow or adrian purple and me as a colorblind man there we go just haven't seen it there we go that's something yeah that's good Okay, there we go. He's redeemed himself. Yeah. I've redeemed him. Yeah.

Yeah. Adrian Yellow. Yeah. That's not bad. Can we pimp up his name? Adrian Yellow. Well, yeah. I mean, it basically can be a blank slate because, yeah, you're seeing grey.

So what do you think would be better? What's the best colour as a name? That's a great question. Yellow is pretty funny. Adrian Yellow is a funny name. Adrian Yellow is a funny name. There we go. All right.

All right, champ. Let's try out a couple others. Adrian Red is unusual without being great. Adrian Blue is not bad. Adrian Blue. How off the beaten track do you want to get? Adrian Fuchsia. But if you get Adrian Blue, that's not bad for us, because it's like, Adrian Blue, who'd

you blow? Mm-hmm. Oh, yes. There's something. Not good for him, though. Yeah. This guy, if that's his name, I don't think he's around as a grown man to be subscribing to a Patreon.

Adrian Purple's just over the top. That's like... No good. You're looking for us to be... You're trying to get attention with that name. Yep, yep. It's just a bit,

a bit wanty. But yeah, how do you, you know, we could be here all day. Adrian Turquoise. Yeah, that's too. Adrian Teal.

Yeah. Adrian Magenta. Adrian Hypercolor. I think Adrian Yellow. Yeah. I think the instincts were right. Adrian Yellow is a good name.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's it. That's confirmed. Thanks, Adrian. Thanks, Adrian Yellow. a good name. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's it. That's confirmed. Thanks, Adrian. Thanks, Adrian Yellow. Thanks, Old Yeller.

Mm-hmm. That reminds me. I was talking about the paddle pops before. Mm-hmm. Someone on the social said, how old were you when you realized that rainbow paddle pop is just caramel? It's like right today. I didn't know that. Did you know that rainbow paddle pop is just caramel it's like right today i didn't know that did you know that uh yeah i never really thought about it i mean obviously there's no there's no flavor of rainbow is there you never really thought about it is it literally like is that an actual thing that's what this guy said again, I'm being naive enough just to believe some fucking idiot

listens to us. I'm going to Google it right now. Rainbow Paddle Pop. But yeah, it makes sense, I guess. So it's all for show. I never really... You know what?

The visuals overwhelms. I guess, yeah. I mean, it's not like I ever thought it was literal rainbow flavor. I just never thought about it. Yeah. All right. What have you got?

Caramel? It's caramel. Confirmed. Wow. Confirmed. I mean, as much as BuzzFeed.com can confirm. Yes. Okay.

But plenty of other sites. Yep, it's caramel. Yeah, I got suckered. That's the advantage that blind people have over the sighted. Yeah. They can figure out what's really happening out there with flavours. You're not thrown off by the rainbow. Us idiots get tricked with our eyes.

Yep. What the fuck was I thinking for the last 30 years? That I was just eating a... What's a rainbow flavour? Yeah. What the fuck's that? Well, you're thrown off even more because you're eating a grey flavour. Yeah, yeah.

Swirly grey. Yeah. Different shades of grey. Yeah. That's fair. Alright. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jethro Myabia. There we go.

Wow. There we go. Fuck. We're having a good week. Jethro. Now, this isn't the famous Jethro that we talked about years ago that was an Uber driver. An Uber driver, yeah. I presume that's not the same person.

What was the story back then? They just were driving around, playing our podcast as an Uber driver. And, yeah, a listener happens to hop in and hear us on the car stereo. Yeah. Which, remarkable enough, but on top of that, the bloke's name is Jethro. Yeah. And we put a call out and you'd think, this is going to be easy. We're going to find this guy within a week and get some content out of it.

But we never found him. He never revealed himself to us. Do you remember where he was? What city? No, I can't remember. It was quite a while ago now. It was like four years ago or something. Yeah.

This bloke's from Perth. I'm looking him up. Okay. He's from Perth. Yeah. I think we... He's a guy that's on the socials, gets called out quite a lot.

Are you the Jethro from this? People think they've broken the story. They found him. Yeah. People sort of of go you know what um your pot they figure out how big our podcast is to a degree go i reckon you're only a one jethro podcast yep i don't think you've got enough listeners that you can you can have two in there i mean it is crazy to have more than one, honestly, for any number. It'd be crazy for Joe Rogan to have two listeners called Jethro. Oh, I reckon that's a bad example.

Yeah, okay. He should probably have about 6,000. Yeah, yeah, exclusively. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe, you know, some true crime podcast maybe wouldn't have. Yeah, yeah. This American Life.

Yeah. Not too many Jethro's tuning into that every week. Oh, I might have a couple of hipsters. Maybe. I don't know. Anyway. Well, my point is more, it's an obscure name. It is.

I can't imagine there's too many of them out there. It is weird given that in terms of culture, the one Jethro is the fucking dumb cunt from the Beverly Hillbillies. Is that true? Jethro Tull. Oh, the Jethro Tull. Yeah. That's where my brain goes. I don't even know. I don't know the Beverly Hillbillies. I don true? Jethro Tull. Oh, the Jethro Tull. Yeah, that's where my brain goes.

I don't even know. I don't know the Beverly Hillbillies. I don't know who he is. Yeah, yeah. Well, Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies was just like out of a family of fucking absolute fuckheads. He was like the dumb one. Right, okay.

Like the rest of them are like getting in the shower and wiping fucking shit all over their faces, thinking it's good. And then they're looking down at Jethro going, he's the dumb one. Well, I mean, this guy, he's probably that in his family. This family could be a bunch of fucking idiots eating their own shit, but this guy pays money to a podcast. The Beverly Hillbillies, now I think about it,

the whole idea of it was these idiots found oil in the middle of nowhere and they were like, oh, yuck, what's this? And they accidentally fall into, like they just bring it to the bank and go, can you get rid of this liquid shit for me? And they go, that's oil. And they go, oh, cool, just flush it down the toilet for us. And then someone goes, no, no, you have to get it and we'll buy you a mansion. So all the time they're really fucking dumb.

They're really dumb and they're almost... Imagine if dumb people got rich. Yes. The American dream. Yes. So every week they're accidentally or nearly giving away their fortune because they're so dumb they don't know what to do with any of it. Yep.

They're so... And then there's... Imagine being that person, the person in the family that you look down on. The guy barely can breathe. He lives in the toilet. I'm Jethro, just drowning in the toilet everywhere. That's who you're named after. That's who you're named after.

Yeah, you're right. I couldn't tell you a single Jethro Tull song. I know the name, but I don't know really anything about them. Jethro Tull. I'm going to Google it right now. Jethro Tull, I believe, is a band that is one person. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's one of those.

It's like the streets. Right. But either way, it's one of those weird ones where it's referenced. He's referenced so much in pop culture. Yeah. But I don't think I've... Maybe I have and I just don't know it, but like... Maybe I'm...

People are screaming at me because I immediately Google that and it's wrong. Okay. There's other fucking people in there. Right, okay. Someone told me that the other day. Jess Rotel's one person. Oh, no, you know what?

I fucked up because I think... I think they said... Here's an example of a band that sounds like... Sounds like it's one person. Right, okay. That know what? I fucked up because I think they said, here's an example of a band that sounds like it's only one person. Sounds like it's one person. Right. That's what it is. Yep, yep, yep. Stop yelling at me.

Don't get on fucking social and say fucking, just listen to the rest of the podcast. Don't start a boring fucking thread in the group about Jethro Tull. No one gives a rat's ass. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But anyway, that's you, Jethro. Jethro Mbibi or whatever it was.

That's this guy. Mia, Mia, Mia, what are they? How do I pronounce it before? Mia, Mia Bia. Mia. M-I-A-B-I-A. Mia Bia. Yeah.

Okay. Mia Bia. Fuck, two clunky names put together. Yeah. Jethro Mbibi. Mia Bia. That's, well, not clunky, just very different. Two different cultures

happening there. A real fusion. Yeah, yeah. Name fusion. Jethro lives in Perth, in Parth. So I can't wait to get over and see Jethro.

Yeah. Not specifically. Well, you know, assuming he buys a ticket, does the right thing. You'd like to hope. Yep. Thanks, Jethro. Thanks, you know, assuming he buys a ticket, does the right thing. You'd like to hope. Yep. Thanks, Jethro.

Thanks, Jethro. Who is your favourite Jethro, by the way? Let us know in the socials. That's what I'm actually keen to know. Yep. Who's... The band or the Beverly Hillbillies character. Those are the only two choices.

Yes. And also, what do you cop more from other people, percentage-wise? What reference? Thanks, Jethro. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, we have had an interesting one this week. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Kate Heckleman.

Oh, my God. What? Heckleman. Heckleman. It's Heckleman, I guess you pronounce it, but I like it better. Heckleman. I like it better as a superhero. Yeah.

Someone that comes into our comedy shows and comes into your gig, Tommy, and says, Yeah, we get it. The black box. We've heard it before. Can't imagine that ever happening. You can't make a whole plane out of that. Can't imagine that ever happening. You can't do that.

No. Why would anyone argue with the most... We know about... We get it. Harold Holt Poole. We get it. It's ironic, pull. We get it. It's ironic. He drowned in the water.

We've all thought that at some stage. No one's saying that. You didn't come up with it. They're too busy laughing and they're too busy going, I've never put that together before, how absurd that is. But that's who this is in my head. A new comedy superhero. Can you imagine this happening at a gig where like, you know, I'm doing that.

And, you know, she's yelling that out. And then I'm going, you know, I don't come down to where you work and knock the dicks out of your man. And then we're back and forth in an interaction, me and this heckler. And then I get chatting. I ask her name. She says, Kate Heckleman. I'm like, oh, yeah, fucking good one. me and this heckler and then I get chatting ask her name she says Kate Heckleman like oh yeah

fucking good one and then she's like no no no no my family way back in my family my great great great great great grandfather went to the very first

comedy gig and he called them a cunt yeah saw a fucking fish crawling out of the swamp and went hack seen it

and then I'm going show me your ID then she hands it over and I go Saw a fucking fish crawling out of the swamp and went, hack. Yeah. Seen it. And then I'm going, show me your ID then. She hands it over and I go, bugger me, Dad. Yeah. Can you imagine the response to that in a room? People would absolutely light up. Yeah. That would fucking just, it would be, you couldn't go on after that. Yeah.

A magical interaction like that. And then you go, I owe you a drink for that. That was magic. That was crazy. People couldn't believe that was happening. You get to talking to her and you're like, she's really cute actually. She's cool.

Then you dump your current girlfriend. You get hitched. And then you've got this great story to tell. Getting hitched straight away. Well, that's how much you get along with Kate Heckelman. But I could never marry her. Because, you know, then she's not having to take the name. Well, yeah, I don't think like that.

Just for that to even be on the table. Unlike you. As a discussion. I don't automatically think like that. I think, you know what? I think girls can keep their own name. I think they can vote. I think they can play sport.

I think they can walk around without a veil. That's what I think. Well, I disagree with all of those things. Right. Passionately and vehemently. But then you've got a great story to tell your kids. It's true. I'm a comedian and I met a heckle man.

I'm telling my kids I'm a comedian. Great opener to a story to my children. Wait, what? You decide at the age of four that they can understand English. That's the peak. Yep. They can understand the story. You go, look, I don't think I've ever introduced myself properly, kids.

But I'm a comedian. And this is your mum, Kate Heckleman. Yep. Do you understand the concept of heckling? No. Not really? All right, let's try this in another four years. Well, do you think that, so that interaction, you know,

obviously would be so magical if that happened at a gig, and she supports this show. Just so I know how long to go on this roof, how long have we done? 55 minutes. Let's wrap this up shortly. Okay. Given that, yeah, so she's got this name. Let's say hypothetically, for the purposes of argument,

that she's a fan of comedy, right? So she would have been to comedy shows. Well, hypothetically, given that she subscribes to this show. Yeah, I know. I knew that. I was trying to get ahead of that. I knew that was coming. But for the sake of argument, let's say she's a fan of comedy.

So presumably she's gone to shows in the past and she must, maybe she's aware of how great this interaction would be at a gig. So she's out there. She's heckling all the time. Hoping, thinking, ask me my fucking name. Ask me for the fucking ID. I want to help you. I'm not doing this to derail the show.

I'm doing this. Like most hecklers think they're doing that, but she's right. She truly means it and believes it and is right. You know what? That's a great idea. And the next time we can do a show where she lives in whatever city, let's use her as a plant. Yes.

Let's use her as a plant. We start the show. Before we get a guest on, because we don't want to interrupt the guest yep in the first 10 minutes we come on and we do our little back and forth our little cute little back and forth yep um five six seven minutes in all of a sudden someone starts going yeah shut up what what's happening tommy uh you you pair of cunts what the fuck who's this talking tommy i don't know Carl Yeah shut up This is shit comedy Fuck you're doing

Check out fucking Kate Heckelman over here Well actually She marches on stage Somehow has some sort of visual amplification Yeah she's got her ID blown up A0 Yeah yeah yeah We've got one of those What are those things you have at school?

Some sort of visual amplification device. Yes. Projector. You know, that's a good word for it. Yeah. Puts it on, you know those acetate things you'd have at school where you just put it in a projector? Has one of them.

We have one of them there. She walks up. She has an acetate see-through driver's license. Puts that there. Projects up to the screen. I love that. The old school. Well, actually, boom.

The crowd go nuts. Berserk, yeah. I love the audience coming in and just seeing this old school projector on the stage going, what's this for? What have they got planned for this show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Man.

Now I've got to look her up to see. Our first show back should be Wherever She Lives. That's not bad. That's the opening. That's the welcome back to live comedy for us. Yep my god oh no paris we're gonna be waiting a while boys oh co-samele awesome um yeah kate heckleman it's a great name and uh yeah you know it's i mean my my um my scenario does rely on the fact that... Oh, she's gone all private.

Oh, really? Okay. Fair enough. My scenario does rely heavily on that convention of when you do crowd work, you go, what's your name, what do you do, and what's your surname? It's pretty rare to be in a scenario where you're like, full birth name, please, before we engage any further. Middle initial, give it to me all. Well, I think I dream it more like this.

She keeps yelling out stuff and I go, we've got a real regular fucking Kate, a real regular heckleman over here. Well, actually, you couldn't be more correct. My friend saw my ID the other night and saw that my middle name is Howard and was like, wow, I had no idea that your middle name was Howard. I knew your initial was H, but I didn saw that my middle name is howard and was like wow i i had no idea that your middle name was howard that's i knew your initial was h but i didn't know your middle

name was howard i go what did you think it was instead of howard if you knew the middle initial she goes i just thought it was h i literally just thought your middle name was h right i thought you were like homer j simpson all right like what does she know that does she know that there are middle names yeah i don't know. Right. It's just like, and she keeps making fun of me for having the name Howard. I'm like, you're worse in this interaction. You thought my name was H.

H is a good name, though. It's not bad. But how would you spell it out? No, just a H. Yeah. Because, you know, that thing on The Simpsons where you find out Homer's middle name is J. J-A-Y. J-A-Y.

Because you can actually spell it as a name. Well, that's the the thing that people talk about whether you spell it with a h or an a yes that's a common conundrum yeah no but i you just spell is that that's the only way it's cool if it's just the h just the letter just the letter h yeah that's all you want i might do it i'll just go in delete a few that's an easy name change just deleting a few letters off the you could say to them you know don't even charge me for this. You should give me money because I'm giving some letters back to you. Exactly. And next time you print anything out, you save in ink.

Yep. Yeah. This will save you thousands of dollars over my lifetime. All right. Thanks, Kate. Thanks, Kate Heckelman. All right. We're going along on this, surprisingly.

We just got too excited. Let's just do one more. Let's just do one more. Let's just do the fifth one. Okay. Let's just have five this week. So, all right. Last one for this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Big Bouncing Bazoonga's Comedy.

That's excellent stuff. Gear Comedy. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. Comedy is funny. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's funny. Comedy is funny. Yeah.

Yeah. Comedy makes me really hard. It does. Comedy is hard and it makes me hard too. Makes me hard. Yeah. Thinking about it. Just a big juicy pair of comedians up there on stage, jumping up and down, bouncing up

on the stage. Your whole body is wobbling around as you laugh at the jokes. Babies getting up there and sucking on those comedians. Getting nutritious life sauce out of them. Yeah, just flopping all over the place.

Not encased in any form of comedian holder. Well, the comedy club itself is like the comedy busier. All right. Well, thanks, big bouncing bazoombas. And thank you to everyone who supports the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Get two bonus episodes every week. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all the merch, previous episodes, all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Give everything a good look. Yeah. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, Matt.