The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 530 - Tony Martin & Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: November 25, 2020

This week we're joined by TONY MARTIN and DAVE O'NEIL! We have a go at reebooting the Village People for 2020 before we catch up with Tony's project of walking every street in Melbourne. We also come close to getting an update on the Neroin sketch plus there's an explosive development in the Officeworks card saga from last year! It's another super fun one! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Tony Martin and Dave O'Neill. Heaps of fun in this one. Stick around at the end of the episode for Talking Dum Dum, where we're going to tell you about all the stuff that we have going on. Until then, enjoy this new one with Dave O'Neill and Tony Martin. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me, as always,

the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good to get. Two great guests joining us today. Please welcome back onto the podcast Dave O'Neill and Tony Martin. Yay! Yay! We have done this before as a combination. I think we have. At Carl's Flat.

At Carl's Flat? Yes. I thought we hadn't. I thought we hadn't as well. I think about maybe four or five years ago. Because my fear is that we will just say all of the same things we said in that episode. Good chance. Well, we've all had four years of life experience.

Let's limit our conversation today to post-2016 events. No stories about the nugget. Yeah, that's a bummer. Yeah, this is ringing a bell now. Or bad eggs. Bad eggs. It's not coming up.

Which often I've noticed when you go on stand, they put them in the same category now. Oh, are we in that? The nugget, bad eggs. Yeah, Cracker Jack. How do you feel about that, Tony? It's, well, we're all in the same. Take away, takeget, Bad Eggs, yeah, Cracker Jack. How do you feel about that, Tony? It's,

well, we're all in the same take away there. Well, see, every film you've mentioned, and you and your stupid mate,

were all part of a brief period where the Macquarie Bank were funding comedies. Oh, right.

And they made Cracker Jack. And the Macquarie Bank's still around? No, not really. Yeah, I can figure out

why. But it was because they made 12 films in like two years. Yeah. And I think I can figure out why But it was Because they made 12 films Yeah In like two years Yeah And I think

Every one of them was a comedy Yeah they loved it It was meant to be There was one with Steady Eddie What? Called Under the Radar They're not around you reckon I don't even remember that

Yeah Under the Radar With Steady Eddie There was one called Blurred with Matthew Newton. I saw that one. On the Gold Coast. The schoolies ones. And there was one that the Sydney Akmal and Gary Eck made.

You Can't Stop the Murders. That wasn't one of them. That wasn't a Macquarie one. No, I don't think that was a Macquarie. That's not in the box set. You know what I hate about Macquarie? The Macquarie bank's like the A24 of Australian film. I remember getting into an argument with someone from that film

because I said, it's Can't Stop the Music. It's not You Can't Stop the Music. It should be Can't Stop the Murders. What's the word you doing on there? That's the kind of argument I can get into. But the song is You Can't Stop the Music, isn't it? Is it though, or is it just Can't Stop the Music? Can't Stop the Music.

It's a village people song. Yeah, but I think the song is called Can't Stop. It's called Can't Stop, but they're singing You Can't Stop the Music. Can't Stop the Music. It's a Village People song. Yeah, but I think the song is called Can't Stop. It's called Can't Stop, but they're singing You Can't Stop. But even if they weren't, the you is implied. The movie is Can't Stop. It's not you. Reminds me of a great anecdote, Tony. When I was on Spicks and Specks, it's Chris Bailey from the Saints.

He was the grumpiest. I hope this was in 2017. He was the grumpiest fucker. So he's a legend he's a lead singer of the Saints and I said how's Ed Cooper going

who was also in the Saints he goes oh he's a grumpy fucker I'm like what are you you just call someone grumpy but anyway that's not the anecdote

so the question was what is the Village People what is the Village People movie and I said you can't stop the music and me and Mifs start singing you can't stop the music

and he's just sitting there with his arms folded and I looked at him and went I reckon you can't stop the music. And me and Mifs start singing, you can't stop the music. And he's just sitting there with his arms folded and I looked at him and went, I reckon you can stop the music. And he goes, I will. And I, no, what did he say? I can and I will. That's what he said. Stop the music. What about how Donald Trump has been using,

was it Macho Man and YMCA? Oh, that's a fancy. Do you think that's because they were the only people who weren't going to sue him? Yeah, right. It's like going down a list of what's available. Neil Young, no. The Beatles, no.

Springsteen, no. Hang on, we've got a no from Crazy Frog. Okay, move on. And it's alphabetical. We're down in V. If these guys knock us back, we're really... Look, Warren Zevon's dead. He can't say no. If these guys knock us back, we're really topsy-turvy. Look,

Warren Zevon's dead. He can't say no. Venga boys are a yes. Because I can't imagine his base would be village people, supporters of the village people and their lifestyle.

I reckon people that enjoy the village people but haven't figured out that they're gay. Right, right. Because you know, Australian Navy briefly used

In the Navy as a theme song for an ad campaign, and someone had to point out to them it's about being gay in the Navy. They pulled it pretty quickly. That's great. I love the idea of someone not knowing that any of the village people are gay. It's like, well, I've never seen any of them with a woman, but, you know, you're a cop, you're in the Navy.

These are jobs that traditionally you're too busy to find love. Construction. Construction. They're manly jobs. These are jobs that traditionally you're too busy to find love. Construction. Construction. They're manly jobs. Where are you meant to meet someone? You know what they actually look like in 2020? If those guys, if they walked onto a tram, you'd go undercover tram inspector.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just very jobs. Bit of costume happening. You need to reboot the village people for 2020, and that's one of them is an undercover cop. It's like, you know, how often do you see Navy men and those kinds of professions anymore? So we get rid of, it's like the podcaster, the undercover.

Call centre worker. Call centre worker. Uber Eats. Uber Eats, bike guys. But you know, they changed their image briefly in the 80s. They went Renaissance. They had a new way. Remember that?

I loved that album. Oh, did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? It was like their last album and they went 80s pop it was fucking good it was new

romantic new romantic they had all the outfits and stuff they had like some adamant makeup

yes that's right visage yeah yeah I love visage they had songs about fast food and like real

sort of like I don't remember the songs I just remember the album cover and then they just went oh fuck

let's go back to the original yeah yeah yeah let's just hang around for original. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's just hang around for about 10 years until we become retro and then call it a day. And the movie, of course, comes on every New Year's Eve. But I'm trying to think, are they gay in the film? Is that canon that they're gay?

That's a good point. I can't remember if they are. It's Steve Guttenberg is the main character. And then there's, can I even say Bruce Jenner? Yes, you're right. At the time he was Bruce Jenner. Yes. Valerie Perrine.

Yes. But village people, I can't think whether it goes into their backgrounds enough. Valerie Perrine would be like the Cameron Diaz of the 70s. Yeah. Something like that. It's like another anecdote from the 90s. Please. I went to an ABC script workshop. Oh like that. It's like another anecdote from the 90s. Please. 2000s.

I went to an ABC script workshop called... Oh, wow. And there was me and Marco Tullo I was writing with, and there was... The motorcycle cop. Yeah. That had been in. Anyway, Josh... Josh Thomas was there with his producer,

who's now the head of comedy at ABC, and they were pitching Please Like Me, but he wasn't gay in the first versions. He had girlfriends. Okay. So that was what they were pitching, and then it changed. Because I did a debate with him,

and then I was talking to him afterwards. By the way, I'm enjoying how Dave O'Neill's thought process works village people that reminds me of Josh Thomas I'll open the show

and say hey folks then we'll go to the village people and talk about Josh Thomas anyway we'll stop it there I can't

well what about didn't Ellen DeGeneres do a film called Mr Wrong where she was a romantic comedy with clearly Mr. Wrong? Very wrong. Yeah, yeah, great. Well, I'm glad Dave's back in a good mood, because before the pod, I reckon that's the closest I've ever seen you to being angry.

Because one, I've sent you, we were originally going to do this podcast at the pub. We've changed locations. You rang me and went, I'm in the pub, where are you guys? Whoops, I forgot to tell you, we're originally going to do this podcast at the pub we've changed locations you rang me and went I'm in the pub where are you guys whoops I forgot to tell you we're not going to the pub you got here

closest to angry I've ever seen you and then I realised why it's because you were looking forward to a pub lunch I was I haven't had a pub lunch

since March oh damn doesn't matter I even looked at the menu of the pub online oh really I do a bit of that and instead

he's got a sandwich he's really unhappy about. He's paid too much for. From the Laurent Bakery. From the bakery beneath Nick Gianopoulos' penthouse apartment. You know this, Tony? Nick Gianopoulos has the penthouse in this building. Oh, in this very building. Not in this building, in the one next door.

But he's also regularly in Laurent. I've seen him lately a lot. He's back in a big way. So I'm surprised you didn't run into him. And does he ever come down and want to be in a dum-dum club? This is the thing where, you know, we've talked about it a lot. I constantly have seen him in the street. I'm worried about approaching him.

He'd love it. I think the last time I was on this podcast, we talked about the Wog Wars on Current Affair. Did you see that, Dave? Yeah. He owns the word Wog Wars on Current Affair. Did you see that, Dave? Yeah. He owns the word Wog. Yeah. And a couple of the Melbourne comics are arcing up about it.

Here's what we should bring up, and hopefully Tommy's got some updates on this anyway, but a couple of weeks ago we had a new idea of, we're not on Cameo. Tommy and I decided it would be good to be on Cameo, but not to give those, the fat cats at Cameo our 30% or whatever it is. So we do a thing called Dumio on our own website. Cut out the middle man. Cut out the middle man. But then we came up with an idea where I've always quite enjoyed Tommy's half-baked impersonations of people.

I think that he's got a good talent, like a half good talent for it. What's his most famous one? He does a good Dave O'Neill in my opinion. I don't know about that. It's all right. A bit pissed off. Had to go down the Mount View Hotel

for pub lunch. Had to get a roll from Laurent. For people at home, that's actually Tommy speaking. That's not Dave. I wonder if that will confuse me when I listen back editing this. Like, Dave just jumped in there and started talking.

So now Tommy has listed himself on Cameo as the bad impressionist. And he is getting dozens of requests. Really? Yeah. Well, we talked about this last week. I had a big first week on there. Lots of them coming through. Barely able to keep up with the demand.

What's the most commonly asked for? Well, this is the thing. I wanted people to give me, you know, some challenges, some interesting ones. And then, of course, just a lot of people asking for, like, Nick Capa and people that have been on the show. It's a bit like, come on, guys, let's spread our wings a little bit here. Do your Capa.

He'd be like that, wouldn't he? Kind of like that. Oh, yeah, it's a bit easy, bit easy doing Nick Capa. 69s, they're boring. 69s are so boring. I went to the Mountview Hotel because I thought I was doing the podcast there. Had to get a shit roll from Laurent. This is now my go-to phrase for impressions.

Dave O'Neill before this podcast. How do you get yourself into the mood? You just pretend that your throat hasn't had a shower and that's Nick Capa's voice. A stinky, phlegmy throat. But I have to say in this last week, I do after that big first week on Cameo, going into the second week, I feel a little bit like the bit in Steve Martin's book where he looks out into the crowd

and he sees empty seats for the first time. Having a couple of days of not many coming through. I feel like the bad impressionist career might be on a bit of a... You can't go full timetime with these bad impressionists. Yeah, I had a really good first week, but yeah, they've really slowed down. And I feel like I was doing a lot of them on the show last week. So maybe this is a bit of a case of no one's buying the cow

because I've given away the milk for free. No one's paying me $15 to get a Donald Trump when I'm just throwing it out on the podcast that they already get. Do you do Trump? Do you do Trump? Yeah, lots of people saying I do. Pretty great Donald Trump. I was down here at the Mountain View Hotel.

So angry, so angry. Fantastic hotel, folks. And then I get the call that I'm in the wrong place. I'll go to the wrong place. Let me tell you, the road there is fantastic. It's very reasonably priced. I took a photo of the queue code and everything. The queue code.

I have a booking for Cal Chandler. That's some bad impressions. I'm bad at impressions. I think you've struck gold. Well, Tony actually does good impressions, don't you? You're a good man sometimes. You can do the good impressions. Well, no, I'm a big fan of the one-word impression,

like where you do someone in one word. So, like, Jack Thompson is homebuyers. Right, right. And Luke McGregor is girls. Yeah, yes, yes. That's very good. That's really good. So you've got to get it down to one word.

You should be on Cameo as just the one-word impression. Now, that is a cameo. A one-word cameo. A one word cameo. I don't know whether I told this before on this podcast, but I was on live TV with Jack Thompson. Did I tell you about that? So I'm on that show, The Circle. Was it The Circle?

Yeah. And he was hosting in Sydney and everything had gone wrong so I could only hear them. I couldn't see them. And we're talking away and he keeps chiming in but he's clearly not keeping up with everyone else something's going on and

finally I just say hey Jack do your famous line from the Bank of Melbourne ad and he goes what is it and I go you know home buyers and he goes oh yes yes home buyers. And he goes, oh, yes, yes. Home buyers.

And that's exactly how he said it. And then later in the interview, I was there to promote something else. And they said, oh, you've got a book coming out. And it was that book I did called Deadly Kefuffle. And I hadn't worked out, you know how you have to work out how you're going to sell something yeah and I'm going oh it's a hard one to promote they go what's it about and I go oh it's a it's a comedy about terrorism and there was just silence and then someone like maybe Joe Hildebrand or someone at the other end just went yeah well good luck with that and then the conversation continued so we're about 10 15 seconds into another conversation

and then i just hear jack thompson go terrorism with just no content with no relation to anything anyone else was saying that's studio 10 studio 10 sorry if i've maligned The Circle Yes That one The lawyers at The Circle From 10 years ago Will be in touch What was The Circle I can't remember

Yeah that was one with Chrissy Swan And it was filmed in Melbourne Yes And Georgie I was on it Tommy

I was on it once Tommy Dasso was in the audience Yeah I did a cameo He got as much screen time As I did Because Tommy and Nick Cody Were in the audience Laughing at things That did a cameo. He got as much screen time as I did because Tommy and Nick Cody were in the audience laughing at things that were going wrong for me or something.

So I just said to the cameraman, put the camera on those idiots. Yeah, yeah. And then it cuts to like, you know, two dozen women over the age of 60 and then just like me and Cody like 23 years old. Yeah, yeah. Because George McEncroe,

no, not George McEncroe. George Coghlan. George Coghlan was describing me as a really lovely person with a very positive outlook on life and these two start laughing. Yeah. And you can even see me on camera go,

like they say, oh, you seem so lovely and so uplifting and you just see me look at the camera like, check this out. I'd love to watch it back because it's that great thing where you can hear two people laughing very loudly like off mic

no one else laughing just this like where is that coming from you know like on TV it sounds so distant it's like someone in another room laughing at something

unrelated I was on that show with Greg Proops I think I co-hosted a few times on the circle and didn't it have like an audience

of like nine people yeah yeah yeah just the people who would want to see live TV at 10.30 on a Wednesday morning. But a lot of pressure to laugh if you're one of 12 people. Yeah, totally, totally. Exactly. Well, that reminds me. You would have gone on GMA.

I remember going on GMA, the predecessor. With Bert. Absolutely. Oh, were you on with Bert? Yeah. He was great. And also Ernie and Denise. I did the warm-up once for Ernie and Denise.

It was terrible. Ernie and Denise, what I remember about that is you would go to the ads, and the second we went to the ads, Ernie Siegley would just start slagging people. You know this fucking cop. Yeah, yeah. Tell you what, he's a fucking. Tell you what, he's got this fucking full manager. He's not here today, got this fucking floor manager, he's not here today

but this fucking floor manager. And then you'd see the countdown be like five, four, and he goes, this fucking freaky

world, and we're back. He's ahead of his time, that between ads, chat, that's a podcast now. You know, he could have had

the mics on just doing his own content in the ad box. I'm a massive fan of Elvis Costello. He came back to Australia for the first time in 10, 15 years,

whenever it was, years ago. And I got tickets like about five, six, seven from the front and I'm like massive fan of Elvis Costello. He came back to Australia for the first time in 10, 15 years, whenever it was, years ago. And I got tickets like about five, six, seven from the front and I'm like so into it. And then there's an encore and he gets everyone to get out of his seat and dance and everything. Everyone in the whole place is up on their feet. Ernie Sigley has got front row, middle seat,

and just stood like sat in his seat with his arms crossed and everyone else went off and he was like, I'm not fucking getting up. I'm like, you absolute prick. Kenny Sigley and Elvis Costello in the same universe. It's just a hard thing to call and play at. What was I going to say?

Pump it up. Now, what was I going to say? Oh yeah, that's what I was going to ask you. A lot of phone scrolling. You look like you're doing a deep search. Deep scroll.

I'm looking for something. I'm looking for something in particular. I should have screenshotted it before the show. The directions to the Mount View? You don't need that. No, no. I will find it. I'm just coming up with way too many pictures of Koh Samui at the moment,

but I will get to... How deep back is this? I will get to the... Oh, it's current. I still take pictures of the webcam off the computer. Oh, yeah, okay. Right, right, right. I will get to I will get to the it's current I still take pictures of the webcam on the computer so yeah I will get to it

but Tony like what I want to say to you was we're out of lockdown in Melbourne we're able to get out there

and do different things and whatever so I'm excited for you I assume you have now I don't think we've even talked about this on the show before but your mission

of walking through every street in Melbourne we talked about talked about this on the show before, but your mission of walking through every street in the world. We talked about it last episode for the first time. Well, it's funny you mention it because we are back doing that. We're advancing on Dingley Village, getting very close to crossing the... Dingley International Hotel.

The Dingley International, is that the one on... It's a big one. Is that on Boundary Road? Is that the place that had the sign Drive Through Palmers? Without the apostrophe? Then yes. It was the weekend everyone was Black Lives Matter and people are knocking down statues

and I'm on Twitter going, they have to get rid of that apostrophe in the Drive Through Palmers sign. Very quick callback, by the way, while we're in the middle of this. Talking about the village people, here's a picture of me and Hughie dressed as the village people. Oh, wow. Everyone's going to hate that at home, but there we go. And when did that happen?

That was at one of our Dunlop drunk casts. That's what you've been looking for for the last 10 minutes. But did you have the full cast? Because it's a bit sad to only have two. You've got to have the full six. We came out at the start of this drunk cast that we did Dresses of Village People

and we did we did YMCA but we'd rewritten the lyrics and we just kept we just kept kicking and for some reason the construction worker costume was just on rotation

it was just no one wanted to keep wearing it so anytime someone new came onto stage they had to and Hughsey turns up and just basically walks from the door onto the stage

and then someone's put a high vis and a hat on him. And he's just, I don't know, was he enjoying it or was he not? He was like a mannequin. Husey's got a thing where he wants to be involved if something's going on. So he just walks and goes, oh, what's all this thing? He walks on stage. Good Husey.

Yeah, thank you. Might steal that. What's all this thing? Too good. What's all this thing going on here? Sorry, it was either Husey or PC Plot in the notebooks. I'm not sure which one that was. But he walks in.

He's just treated like a mannequin. He just sits down on stage. Don't know if he even said anything. Someone just dresses him as a village person. He sits there for about 10 minutes, goes, yeah, I think I've got enough attention here. Walks back off stage. They don't really know what the context of any of the night was in any way.

But, sorry, back to Dingley International. The thing people are always asking is, it's 12 years of walking every street in Melbourne. 12 years? It'll be 12 years at the end of this year. Who are the celebrities you've bumped into? I've got other questions, but I would say, very quickly, what do you reckon the percentage of the streets you've clocked?

I reckon we've only done a quarter. Really? So we'll have to live. And, of course, it's further and further to drive. Yes. And we're doing both sides, so that slows it down. But in terms of famous... Some would say that's double the work.

It is. Because how do you... Oh, look, it's hard to explain without a graph. But you've got one side. How do you get back? Do you walk down the next one? Well, then you're missing one of the cross streets, surely. I think you're not really, especially in like a shopping area,

you're not giving enough detail, you know, looking at one side of the shop. Exactly. You're looking at the other shops from a distance. And there's so much to notice. But in 12 years, here are the celebrities. Number one, Dave O'Neill. Wow. Walking... Where? I pulled over on... Yeah, in Clifton Hill where I noticed. But in 12 years, here are the celebrities. Number one, Dave O'Neill. Wow. Walking.

I pulled over in Clifton Hill where I live. Clifton Hill. With my sandwich. Come back from the sandwich shop. This is the sandwich theme. So great this has come up. Because we look into Dave's car and on the passenger seat. By the way, what I was looking for, I found.

Here we go. Sorry, Tony. Sorry, Tony. Hit the bricks. Bookmark that idea. No, no, no. Keep going, keep going. This is going to be good.

But we look into the car and sitting on the passenger seat next to Dave is the best looking sandwich I have ever seen. Right. Is he one of these real housewives

of Clifton Hill that has to have a seat dedicated to his sandwich instead of his Louis Vuitton handbag? Yeah, it's buckled up in case he hits a speed bump. Where is that sandwich from?

And do you mind saying... Babcar. It's Babcar on Brunswick Street. Fitzroy. But your partner knew. She knew straight away. We have been buying sandwiches ever since from there. Right, right.

And we always thank Dave O'Neill. So that would be number one on your list of things you've learnt on the streets of Melbourne. Then, second, David Cameron, not the Prime Minister of England, the actor and now director who played the underground mechanic

in the first Mad Max film, who actually directed the D-Generation five-in-a-row videos. So I met him on Main Street of... I was watching them the other day, actually. Are they offensive now? in a row videos. So I met him on Main Street of... I was watching them the other day, actually. They are? Are they offensive now? I think people are dressed as Todd Hunter.

That might be offensive. Yeah. There's a fat suit involved. From Dragon? Yeah. That's right. Todd and Mark Hunter. And I think it's Santo and Mick Malloy in fat suits

and trees are falling over. I was getting in a fight with a guy on Facebook about wearing masks and I looked at his job because, you know, is this guy a doctor or a virologist? He listed his job

as lead singer in a dragon cover band. How recent was this? Like a month ago. How funny is that? A dragon cover band. What were they called though? Was there a pun?

Oh, that's a good question. Oh, I don't know actually. Was it dragon like with a Y? A dragon cover band. What were they called, though? Was there a pun? Oh, that's a good question. Oh, I don't know, actually. Was it dragon, like, with a Y? Or dragon, like... Like they were dragging with an apostrophe N. If it's, like, the least thing is in a fat suit. April Sun, maybe. April Sun.

April Sun. Yeah. That's exactly what it would be. But, no, so David Cameron from Mad Max, then Warwick Capper going into a cafe in Baldwin, and what I to this day do not understand, wearing a pair of gold hot pants like we used to dress him in in those sketches we did. We're going, hang on, the only reason we had him wearing those is because of a joke we

had done on the radio because he was working on the Gold Coast. So we said, oh, you should be like one of the meter men. Yes, yes, yep. And you go, okay, so he's wearing those hot pants in a sketch in 2011. This is 2018. He's just going down to the shops in those gold hot pants. Are you publishing your plans for where you're going to walk anywhere? Has someone done this to prank you?

I've got to stay one ahead of the stalkers. So that's the three celebrities in 12 years. But this is like the monkeys with the typewriters. If you put enough in a row, you're going to write about Warra Capper at some stage. If you walk around Melbourne for 12 years, you will eventually see Warra Capper. And then the other one that happened was Declan Fay, friend of this show, podcaster, called me up and said, were you walking past my house today?

Oh, right. So I didn't see him. That would have been a dream come true. That's incredible. That's it. Three and a half big names in 12 years. I have a slightly similar question. This is more of a test of how I think I guess.

I wasn't going to ask for celebrities. I was going to ask for the biggest crazy people you've seen. Oh. As you've... I mean, I do this... Most of what I bring to the podcast is through me walking to Tommy's house. Yeah. Me walking around town.

The amount of insane stuff I see and all people that approach me, all that sort of stuff. If I drove everywhere, I would have nothing to talk about. Crazy people. But because I catch PT or- It's a cliche, but St Kilda is probably the most- The capital. Yeah.

The most people talking to themselves, screaming. Anyone, any highlights of people coming up to you asking what you're doing, anything like that? No, because it's just two people walking up the street. It doesn't look- They don't know the history. At one point, I mentioned this on Nova, and a guy from a petrol company called up

because we were talking about how much petrol it takes to drive to where we haven't walked yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, well, what if we sponsored you? And I'm going, yeah, that's probably a good look. It's the right time of history to be wearing a petrol company logo. Also, while you're not using the product. Yeah, exactly.

Because the thing is, with you walking around Melbourne, you do look like someone that's working for Google Maps that's lost their licence. If you put a little camera on your head and you sit in one of those cars driving around. He doesn't even have the camera, so he's lost his car licence and his camera licence. He's just going to memorise it.

But people are always saying to me, like Dave Graney is always saying, when are you going to get out of latte country? It's Belgrade, up to where he lives in Belgrade. When are you going to walk Thomastown? And then we've been doing Clayton South recently. Well, that's out of latte. Yeah, and I'm putting photos up. It doesn't matter how far you go, you're not far enough out

because someone's going, yeah, well, he won't be taking photos when he hits the hills. He won't be taking photos and danding on them. It's like we're still too inner city and latte in Clayton South, apparently. But it's definitely St Kilda. I remember just a woman just walking. You know how people go deaf because a gun has been fired? I was walking up, would have been Barclay Street in Sir Kilda, and a woman right next to me suddenly screamed,

you'll do fucking anything for drugs, you cat! The top of voice. And I look around, she was just yelling at a building. Right, right, right. There was a woman in Yarraville where I used to live in the west in Melbourne, and the city of Yarraville got a restraining order on her to remove her from the shopping village. A whole city.

A whole town or whatever. Wow. Because the cops told me this. I think her name was Lorraine. And she was an older, larger woman. And she's just standing at the post office going, you fucking cunts, you fucking cunts. Like no one in particular.

So I had little kids. She's like this, you fucking cunts, you fucking. You're so lucky.'re fucking cunts well but in mentioning barclay streets and killed a friend of mine who lived in nary warren and was sort of coming into town to sort of experience the inner city and he said he was visiting a friend on barclay street who lived on like the second floor and they were just on the balcony looking down and there was a guy walking up the street with a garbage bag and a crowbar

just crowbarring open locked letterboxes and just putting whatever was in there in the garbage bag just going from like a reverse Santa just filling his sack. Just hoping it's someone's birthday and that has been generous. Oh wow.

Welcome to St Kilda. That's, so what I like about that is that, so you're doing all that on foot. Yes. You're walking, you're not using a car, you're walking all around.

Well, we're driving to the spot where we walk. Yeah. But you're also, you're renowned for not ever having a mobile phone. Yes. It feels like in lockdown, like a lot of people are going right wing

or conspiracy theory. I think you've gone Amish like you're locking everyone with no phone well the problem is that because of the lockdown

we were confined to the 5k's so we decided to walk all of our 5k's again which took four and a half months which was good

so that was fun oh yeah you must have been spewing that you hadn't saved those closer to home ones for the end it's like

what a bummer. Well, we're at Essendon in that direction. North. We're at Box Hill. North, we're doing everything between Albion and Moorland roads at the moment. And that goes a long way. You should advertise that on Twitter and, you know, Tony Martin coming soon to Moorland.

Well, people do contact me on Twitter. On Twitter and Tony Martin coming soon to Moorland. Well, people do contact me on Twitter. Someone said, were you walking up Mitchell Street in Brunswick last week? And that was just south of Moorland. You were, though. I was. And then we're at Moordy Allick in that direction, Box Hill in that direction. What's coming up that you're looking forward to?

I'm weirdly looking forward to oh i'm weirdly weirdly looking forward to dingley village because i've been going on about it so much on twitter and lockie hume keeps going mate they've lost their chicken shop apparently like it was uh la something it's like a french word poultry la ionica poultry in dingley village was apparently the best chicken in melbourne so lockie hume's wearing a black armband for that. But because I've gone on about it so much, people in Dingley are now saying, let us know when you're coming because we're going to have a ticker tape parade. Oh, that's great.

The problem is we've got to do it because we're currently doing everything between Boundary slash Clayton slash Stevenson's Road and Warragul. So we've got to go – it's like a typewriter. We've got to go all the way to the end of that and then we start at the top again. The strict adherence to the rules that you created and have had to stick to for like 12 years now is so good. The problem is with something like this,

once you get this far in, it has to go forever. There's no turning back. I do love the idea of you getting sponsored though. Like ASICS or something, like a good walking shoe. Yeah, Nike. I like it more what Tony's saying about places being ready for you. Yeah. So it's not like you, instead of, you know.

Like when the Olympic torch comes through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. Yeah, or when they have like those secret reviewers in restaurants. It's like, no, no, let us know so we can give you a good meal. So instead of you just doing sneaky reviews of Broadmeadows, let them know you're coming. Get the mayor to meet you and walk with you.

Broadmeadows is so far away. Give them a bit of notice to spruce up their street. Broadmeadows, I've done gigs out there. It's far away from where you live. I mean, I know you're about 36 years away from it by the sounds of it, but have you thought about what happens when you do the final street? Is there a street that you're saving for the end? Yeah, what's a good ending?

You're right. Are you going to vote your favourite street? The problem is I think Melbourne is literally expanding faster than we can get to it. It's one of the biggest urban spreads in the world, Melbourne. Because you tell, my brother lives in Switzerland, he tells his friends it would take two hours probably to drive from one end of Melbourne

to the other if you don't go on the freeways who would not believe him because you'd be in another country in Europe you're going to walk the freeway and everyone's been asking walk the freeways

you know what this is how you finish this is how you finish Westgate freeway Westgate Westgate there you go

wow get to the middle jump off it because your life's work is done because we've that's the corner at the moment is under the Westgate on the city side. So that's our current corner. Right.

Todd Road, that sort of industrial area. They're building a new place, aren't they? A new suburb under there. I bet they are. And is this route that you've done and everything, is this in hard copy somewhere? Like is there a map in your house? I've got a Gregory's that's sort of penneded in god forbid if you split up with your partner will you take

one half of the scene she takes the other half that is it was one day there was one day when she was sick i did do one day on my own when she was sick and it felt so weird and yeah she wasn't happy right i just said look i've got to go for a walk today my own when she was sick and it felt so weird and wrong. Yeah. And how did she feel? I think I abandoned her. She wasn't happy. Right. I just said, look, I've got to go for a walk today. Did she go back and do it again? Yeah, we both did that again.

We have been known. It wasn't even that good of a street, I swear. He is how anal we are. Why go out for a street when you've got a court at home, you know? Whenever we get home, I get onto Google Maps And just check That we didn't miss Like a little And then we have been known To drive back the next day

Just walk that street And then drive back You don't do both sides of the street Yeah both sides Oh my god That's the whole thing Both sides If there's ever like

Someone close to you Goes missing or something Heaven forbid You're ever implicated In some way in a crime And they come into your house And there's just this map Of the city

With all these strange markings. Where are the bodies? How come COVID spread so easily in Melbourne? Tony had it and now every suburb has it. People were so keen on making sure I wasn't straying outside. You've seen no crime? Because often in those suburbs there's just, you know, like where my mum and dad

meet you, there's not a lot of people home during the day. What I've noticed is, because we usually do it in the morning, is that you can walk for an hour

in a suburban street and see nobody. And it suddenly makes you go, oh, this is what, because I remember I lived in a house years ago that got burgled

three times in two years. And you go, how did no one fuck you? with a TV up the street? And now I understand. You see everyone's either at work or inside watching Carrie Ann. Do you ever get invited to something like an event in a place that you've never walked yet? And you turn up and you think, what a waste. Shall we knock it off while we're here?

Yes. Or be like, if you don't have time, it's like, what a waste to come here and not be doing all the streets. We've done that. We visited a friend in Yarraville and we went, while we're here. While we're here. We just bowled off a few streets and crossed them off. Great, great. Well, speaking of Fleety, now you did tell me a great story about Fleety that I'd

love to be, for you to tell these two and to be on board. Well, the reason I'm telling this, because I do love Greg, but... We all love Fleety. We love Fleety, and I

have known him since 1987, and in all that time, I'm the only person I know who he's never asked for money. Exactly. So whenever people say, oh, Fleety, he wants to... It's a rite of passage

in comedy to be pleased by Fleety at some point. People always say, oh, you know, I mentioned Fleety and they go, oh, don't give him 20 bucks. And I always say, I have to be honest and say, he's never once asked me for money. You've never pitched in once for his daughter's eighth birthday party.

Unlike the rest of us, that have put him for multiple presents on multiple years. We've got a marquee for one year. I have been in a van with him where we're all going to a stand-up gig in Gippsland and we have to detour to, quote, the methadone clinic,

which is just a bloke's house. I've done that. And he's in there for only 10 minutes. It's a very quick methadone treatment. But here's what happens. Very quick and thorough, those doctors. 31 years I've known Fleeting. Why not?

Knock a couple off. And so it's been 31 years. He's never asked me for money. And then in 2018, he and Sam Peterson did a show for the Comedy Festival. Show's a strong word. He and Sam Peterson did a show for the Comedy Festival. Show's a strong word. Sammy P goes, can you come to a meeting and we're just going to run through some scripts and just see what you think.

Just give us any notes you want to give us. So I go to this meeting. It's at lunchtime on a Sunday. And Fleety's like, okay, this has to be over by one because I have to fly to Sydney. Terrible Fleety, by the way. Mate, it's got to be over by one. because I have to fly to Sydney. It's a terrible fleeting, by the way. It's got to be over by 1. I've got to fly to Sydney because a bloke I went to school with is paying me to write a play about him.

That's what he said. Yep. Sounds sensible. So a couple of times he goes out, he's on the phone, comes back in, and he goes, okay, yeah, got to be over by 1. And so we're going through the scripts and he sort of seems distracted but he doesn't look at his phone at any time and then it gets to one and i go flitty you're meant to be on are you meant to be on a plane he goes no no it's

been cancelled right and i go but it was on but you have not how did it how do you know it's been cancelled because you have not looked at your phone once. But I thought, I won't say anything. He's just psychically learnt that the trip has been cancelled. When you know, you know, you know, intuition. And then Sammy P goes out of the room and then it happens. It's not happened in 31 years. And he just casually goes, mate, can you loan me 200 bucks?

Whoa. And I go. So not even 20. But he's never asked. That's interesting. Never asked. And it was so disappointing. I just went, oh, now I can never say it.

Yeah. And I say. Bradman's out. 99.97 average. 31 years it's never happened. And I say, Fleety, what do you need 200 bucks for? And he goes, I need to get a cab to St Kilda. And I say, because it was true, Fleety, we're in St Kilda.

And he goes, oh, fuck. There's no way out of that, is there? There was no comeback. And it was so, and I don't think he realises what a crushing, disappointing moment that was. Now, I can't even think of where you would, where he must have thought he was. What's $200 away from St Kilda? Right. Yeah, Aubrey.

Yeah. It's like Geelong or... Yeah, maybe Geelong. Yeah. It's a long way away. Maybe he nodded off and he thought he did get on that flight. Oh, maybe. You know?

Yeah. He's at Avalon. Yeah. Needs to get the cab back into the city. That makes sense. Anyway, I'm sorry to... Yeah. You know, it's a great story.

It's great. It's great. It's great. We've all got, you know, we don't shy away from telling Fleety stories on the show. I'm having dinner with Greg Fleet tonight. Yes. Assuming he turns up. Yeah, well. Who's paying you?

Yeah, exactly. There we go. To quote one of his famous jokes, what are you going to have, a heroin sandwich? Instant kill guy? Is that what you mean? Are you ready? You know what it's like when you're just stabbing a prostitute in an alley? What. What are you going to have? A heroin sandwich? Instant kill guys? Is that what you mean? Be ready. You know what it's like when you're just stabbing

a prostitute in an alley? What's that one he used to do? You can tell when he had nothing else to say. He always just reverted to the... And you know when you're stabbing a prostitute in an alley? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

In stand-up, you do have those ones where you go a bit blank and you've always got to go to bits. Yes. Like Hughes, you'll just go... You're a really great guy. Right, right.

Don't ever get that. guy, never get that, never get that. But like, that's funny because it's a positive reaffirmation. You're all right, thanks everyone,

good on you. But his one is, I stabbed a prostitute. That's the opposite of a go-to. That's what you need a go-to to get it out of. Boy,

time hasn't been kind to that one, has it? Well, I did a gig for Principles or something and the woman said, oh,

we had a comic last year you didn't go to go too well he started talking about stabbing prostitutes there's no second guess i think i know who that was it was plenty the problem is with greg is you'll mention some old bit and you'll go oh how did that go yeah like can you go here's some great and it's like do you remember like i'd forgotten this, Greg Fleet supported Peter Allen on his, this is true, got hired as the support act for Peter Allen on his final shows in Australia, literally about three weeks before he died. Wow. And he got hired as the support act and fired after one night by Peter Allen.

Now, if that happened to any of us we would probably do a comedy festival show about it. Get a whole show about it. And I mentioned that to Greg Fleet one day and he just goes oh fuck, I forgot where was that when I was writing my book? Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

Anyone else, that would be a whole chapter in your book. He was also the person who drove Mark Marin to the airport when he got sacked from The Last Laugh. So Mark Marin got sacked because he didn't go that well or whatever. The Last Laugh was a very suburban audience. Mark Marin's out there.

Also, Marin got to the airport, couldn't buy anything because he couldn't buy a meal because he'd given his last 20 bucks to the police. But Marin then hung out with him in Edinburgh. They were friends in Edinburgh before Marc Marin was famous. And he's on WTF, I think. There's an ep with Fleety.

Yeah, they did an ep together when Marin came out. Tony, can you do us a quick favour? If this dinner with Fleety does happen tonight, something that is canon on this show, because we haven't seen Fleety in a while, if you could ask us what the progress of this Narrowin sketch is. Can you just let us know? Have you talked about that?

We've talked about it about a year and a half ago on this podcast. And so anytime Fleety comes up on the show or on the socials, the listeners are always responding with Narrowin. So knowing that we're getting a direct link to him this evening. A quick summation of it. About a year and a half ago, Fletty accidentally went live on Facebook. So it's like when you set your phone off by your ass.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now there was footage that went up that I watched where he was very low-tech, train-spotting-esque footage of him in a dark room and you could hear him say what we thought initially was the word heroin, but he made a disclaimer the next day saying that it was in fact a sketch for a product called Neruin.

He goes live. He's having a little snooze. He's having a little snooze. Maybe he'd be doing a lot of walking like Tony. Maybe he was just very tired that day. And he says that word. People get very – people are freaking out in the comments. A lot of people are going. Maybe he was just very tired that day. And he says that word people get very, people are freaking out in the comments. Then the next day

he does like the public two camera like, the craziest thing. I mean people were very concerned and I can understand why you'd be concerned. But we were doing a sketch that's about a fake product called Narrowing. Yes. And the thing that and all very convincing stuff.

And we've never seen the sketch though, have we? We haven't seen the sketch. It must be some production. Yeah, the thing was that his And all very convincing stuff. And we've never seen the sketch, though, have we? We haven't seen the sketch. It must be some production. Yeah, the thing was that his admission, the next day, the sort of calming everyone's nerves, of course there was no heroin. It was a sketch called Nero, and that sounded even more convincing

as he was saying it outside what was very clearly a meth lab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few old tyres in the back, overgrown grass. That's a neph lab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A few old tires in the back, overgrown grass. No, that's a neph lab. And I was planning a Nank robbery.

And a overdose. So yeah, if we could get some kind of update on the progress of this, because it's been 18

months in the May, probably closer to two years by now. Maybe this is a dinner, you might need to do a bit of script doctoring tonight. You might need to punch up Might. It's been 18 months in the mail, probably closer to two years by now. Maybe this is a dinner. You might need to do a bit of script doctoring tonight. You might need to punch up. It might be a movie.

Narrowing the movie. If you can somehow get this moving forward, Tony. Narrowing. Get your services to move this sketch forward. A lot of people out there are waiting for it. While we're dealing with unfinished business on this podcast, I have to ask, and this might need explaining to Dave as well, what happened with the woman from the Nikita?

Yes. What was her name? The Femme Nikita TV show. The actress who started following us and DMing us. Oh, really? Peter Wilson. Peter Wilson. Oh, she's an Aussie.

Yes. What happened, that was a couple of years ago, I think, on this podcast now, where we got hit up by Peter Wilson he's an Aussie yes what happened that was a couple of years ago I think on this podcast now where we got hit up by Peter Wilson La Femme Nikita star of

in the 90s I believe it was I guess and it was like can I be on your podcast and we're like what the fuck where's this come from

was it not her this is like Tony Pierron asking to be on this podcast or Melissa Tazort yeah yeah yeah exactly so then

we went down the rabbit hole and went back and forth and I got onto her directly and she had no idea what it was whatsoever so as far as I can understand

it was someone acting on her behalf pretending or pretending but it was like yeah but it was the manager but was like saying that it was her

wasn't it something like it was her contacting you because she had a lingerie line or something yeah she was Wicked Weasel or something. Had some weird name like that. And she wanted to come on and promote that.

And we talked about it with Tony and Judith Lucy. And we were saying this could be interesting and funny to get her on if she's into it. And then wasn't it like her cousin or someone like that hits us up? Someone who's related to her who actually listens. It was like she wouldn't have any idea what the show is. She would never have actually listened. That's right. Yeah, yeah. We talked about someone that was related to her, who actually listens, was like, she wouldn't have any idea what the show is. She would never have actually listened. That's right. Yeah, yeah.

We talked about someone that was related to her. Yeah, that's right. She's a bit loony and would not be fun on the pod. Yeah, and also, the whole request was, can I be on the show? And I hit her up directly and was like, do you live in Australia? No. Okay, then probably not then. Us flying to LA

to interview someone about their underwear lines yeah that would have been truly great wow look it was very tempting because the way she was

responding to me I was like you are a bit out of it I reckon so that would be an interesting talk about trying to get you back to planet earth

and then when we get you back here talking about lingerie to two idiots that don't even know how that works at all. How the world can change in two years. The second to last time Tony was on,

we're talking to this star of the screen in Los Angeles and thinking about flying over to her house over there to have her on the show and then cut to two years later. It's like, can you ask Greg Fleet about his sketch that he hasn't filmed? And also tell us about the time you walked down the street in Williamstown. Yeah. Wow. Show this.

A much less optimistic world in 2020. Well, speaking of walking down the street, so this, and again, speaking of things we've talked about on the show before, doing some follow-up business, there was a very popular story on the show. What, I guess, maybe, it was in lockdown. It was about the start of lockdown.

I had a bit of an episode of um let's say having some problems with my bowels there for a while the poo jogging yeah yeah there was a bit of that happening so uh one of the stories was that i was walking down uh uh bridge road which is near my house and there was no one around i was caught short i went to uh i needed a public toilet there's nothing going on around there uh around that area so i went to the mcdonald's bathroom i got in there i they didn't have any toilet paper and i put this out as a as a sort of a hypothetical what would you have done this situation and everyone was like duh you you go to the toilet then you're looking for toilet paper. You just use your socks or you use your undies.

What? Well, look, to be fair, better result than what I came up with. I didn't. Actually, now I think about it, this was a year ago. This wasn't in lockdown. This was a year ago. So I don't even have that excuse. Yeah.

What I did was I went through my wallet. I didn't have any. Eliminated video easy card nearly Officeworks oh my god thick very dense card I went with the Officeworks card

not absorbent at all no not at all so it's more of a shovel oh my god exactly exactly so that's now you're right to react like that

and quite small yeah well business card size I don't know how... Business card size. I don't know how big you need a card for your wiping, but anyway, it was fine for me. Can you call it wiping? It's more like scooping.

Swiping. Swiping. Smearing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Redistributing is what it is. So, yeah, so that... We had quite a big talk about that about a year ago, and everyone got a bit obsessed with the card

and the idea of why you wouldn't go with your underwear. See, all of a sudden, underwear and socks are a pretty good idea. Yeah, I'm thinking socks, obviously that are disposed of immediately. Yes, absolutely. So I was like, okay, very fair, great. Now, same position, same part of the street. This happened a week ago.

I was not on foot this time. I was on the tram. I was on the 75 coming up, and I saw something that I thought, right at the same location, something that I thought was an odd little hypothetical at the very least. Now, it was only me and one other person on the tram. Now, the other person, and this was about 9.30 at night, it was a person who I presume was on the tram now the other person this was about 9 30 at night um it was a person

who i presume was on the way home from work because they had their work clothes on the floor of the tram now i don't know how that sort of works where you get on the tram you go finally the day's over you take off your high-vis uniform yeah and you just throw it on the floor of the tram so he's just got a t-shirt and his pants on and whatever. The rest of the work wardrobe is on the floor of the tram. Not sure how that works but anyway.

Now, the thing that caught my eye was he was eating his, eating a meal 9.30 at night but it was in the Tupperware container.

Meaning, in my head, he's gone and done a day's work. Brought his lunch along. Not eaten it. Then he's eating it on the way home. But he's eating it, what,

say five minutes from home? Yeah. And decided to crack it open and eat it on the... And is it a hot meal? Has he heated it in the microwave at work before he's got on the train? No steam? Well, we weren't in a cartoon

so I couldn't see the vapours coming from above the meal or anything like that. I didn't feel like I was... I should go over and taste test or anything like that. But it wasn't like a Pad Thai. It wasn't something that should be eaten hot. You know what?

It looked like a curry. It looked like some sort of like a messy thing. It wasn't a sandwich. It was something that was going to get everywhere. Like I would have left the high-biz on if I was him. Yeah. I think that that's odd that you don't eat it at work and instead you eat something. Save it for the tram.

You save it for the tram, but you're five minutes away from home. I mean, just wait till you get home and eat there. Might have been hungry, really hungry. Did you see him get off? Do you know that he was five minutes away from home? Because maybe he has a very, very long commute. Okay. And he always brings dinner along with him.

Diabetic. He brings lunch and dinner. Maybe he was told he was going to meet at the pub and he was looking forward to his pub lunch. Was this meal in a La Roque bag? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But was it a crowded... Because, I mean, just eating on public transport is...

Brutal, especially when you're at a curry. Someone cracking a curry on a tram is just so unsettling. You're going to feel the smell. No, it was just me and him. So I was sitting there watching because I was like, anything that's slightly weird on a tram, I'm like, I'm going to check this out just in case something happens. Going to a second job maybe too.

Who knows? Like I said, it was like 9.30 at night or something like that. Anyway, so he finishes the meal as I'm on the train. And then I'm sort of looking at him going, actually, that looked really messy what he was eating. What was he... How was he eating that? And then I had a good look.

Office work card? Have a look at that picture right there, guys. See if you can recognise the utensil there. That is an office work card. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. He's eaten a curry on

bridge rope opposite where I wiped my ass with a So it works at both ends. Yes. What a good

plug for Officeworks. It's the Swiss army knife of food in a That's incredible. They should start

selling those as a utensil. And the picture that I'm showing you guys just appropriately he's wearing a jumper that says champion. The best bit. appropriately he's wearing a jumper that says champion

the best bit as he's eating the absolute best bit he's eating a curry with an off the roof and the mask around the chin and it's also

a bad thing when you've got the white mask and you're eating any kind of food nothing worse than a food stained covid mask

he's a young guy so yeah it's interesting he's allowed you to take it you're quite close to take that shot by the looks

I've zoomed in No, I've zoomed in pretty quickly. I've zoomed in pretty deep. But it was odd because I did stand absolutely opposite him with an empty tram. I just made sure I was leering over him as he was eating a curry. No brand gets more disrespected than champion.

You never see a person wearing it and think, yeah, that's apt. I reckon they've earned the right to have that on their chest. You don't see LeBron James wearing it, do you? It's a bloke eating a curry with an office work card. I'm not a curry on a tram. So this is even, this, did he, now did he take, because your office works card, I can't remember the very end of the story,

the one that you used in your incident. You kept it, didn't you? No, what? I think there was that may have been an element of many that really blew us off when we heard it. It didn't go back in the wallet.

How did you transport it? If it still had money on it, it definitely went back in the wallet. If it had more than 30 cents in it, if it had more than like five A4 black and whites on it, it went back in the wallet. You're right.

I think it had about 20 bucks on it. There we go. There we go. Scratch and it. It went back. You're right. I think it had about 20 bucks on it. There we go. There we go. It's like a scratch and smell card. Disgusting. Try and scan it at the terminal office. It just blows up. This card stinks.

See, that's the sort of thing you miss out by walking. If you get on the PT, that's the sort of thing that you can see. PT is a goldmine for comedy. Yes, definitely. I lost my license for about three months and was PTing everywhere. It was speed cameras. Yeah. And it was, you know, no, it was turning lights.

They went through an absolute frenzy of giving you a fine for being caught on a turning light. Yeah. And so I had like three of those in four weeks. So I was on public transport and I just was constantly writing down things. I remember hearing two kids on a tram going, yeah, mum and dad have just spent a fortune putting insulin in the ceiling.

Write that down. And then I remember one time... Too many lollies for the roof. They've got diabetic. But also seeing the guy talking about his screenplay on the tram really loudly on a mobile phone. He's got some Hollywood script editor working on it. Is that phone even on?

The one time I went on a Tiger flight, there was a guy in front of me. And he kept turning around to the guy next to me and going, So Gary, we've got to go through those figures when we land. And it's really important that you... I'm like, guys, we're on a Tiger flight? How fucking high flying are you blokes? What sort of business are you running where are you going tiger

yeah I was on a jet star flight that turned around halfway to Sydney and came back and then you have to go to a counter to like and you didn't realise

I didn't realise I had my headphones on and I landed and thought I was in Sydney that's a fantastic story but you have to go to a counter to get put on a new flight

they tell you when you land Like go here And you'll get told Like when your new flight is And there's this woman Up the front of the line Going off Trying to be like

It is very important That I get to Sydney As soon as possible I have a big business meeting And it's like You were flying Jetstar Yeah Like you can't try and

Stunt on us in the line And claim that you're Any more important Than the rest of us On this thing Like flight quantity You can't like Throw the briefcase around It's not going to get you anywhere Now I originally on this in the line and claim that you're any more important than the rest of us on this thing. Like, fly quantity. You can't, like, throw the briefcase around. It's not going to get you anywhere.

Now, I originally come from Maribor, like, small town of Maribor. You would have clocked Maribor in about a week, I reckon. You could walk every street, you know, income and high daily. You've only got about five left and you're done. So, I'm from a relatively small town. Now, my wife is very much a city dweller. She once said to me, very honestly, she wouldn't have gone out with me if I'd have...

I moved from Williamstown to Abbotsford just before we started going out. She said, if you had still lived there, I wouldn't have gone out with you. That's how snobby she is. Williamstown? Yeah, because it's the other side of the river. She's very Eastern Suburbs, isn't she?

Yes, very much so. Well, your town's quite fancy. Well, these days... Just distance-wise, it's the other side of the river She's very Eastern Suburbs Yes, very much so This town's quite fancy Just distance wise It's not for her She doesn't understand that side of the city Not for her Never been to the Titanic Theatre restaurant? Absolutely not

Is that still going? Because I saw a big debate on an article On Time Out on Facebook On Time Out magazine Where they said they were coming back And everyone was like You idiots, it's closed They're going to do something else with it There was this huge debate they said they were coming back and everyone was like, you idiots, it's closed. They're going to do something else with it.

It was this huge debate about whether he was coming back or not. Because if Titanic's gone, that I think leaves Witches and Bridges as the last man standing. But I was reading today, there's one at the old Melbourne jail that started last year

that's starting up again soon. We get to eat in the jail and there's like a super-esque show about getting the electric chair. Oh, great. Yeah, they're treating it like a micro... The waiters come out with your cutler show about getting the electric chair on. Oh, great. Yeah, they're treating it like a micro... The waiters come out

with your cutlery and pretend to stab you first. No, they bring out the food, it's cold, then they wheel out the electric chair and they heat the food

in the electric chair. Oh, that's good. Pig on a noose. Just wash your hands afterwards, go into the shower and drop the soap. Right, right.

Yeah, it's your first day in here, now here's the entree. Bangers and mash. Right, right. Yeah, it's your first day in here. Now, here's the entree. Bangers and mash. Well, there did used to be Alcatraz Theatre Restaurant. There did. And there was the Dungeon Theatre Restaurant. And what about the Loony Bin?

The Loony Bin. Did you ever work for any of these? No, but Adam Palmer worked on the Loony Bin. But I do remember that Alcatraz and the Dungeon sued each other because they both had the same catchphrase come and get locked in for the night.

Oh. Even that good. Surely the best ever court case to sit in on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could come up that they've both got one that's not particularly snappy.

Like, I mean, surely we can come up with a better one right now than something that both of them have shared. Yeah. What was Alcatraz and what? Alcatraz and The Dungeon.

The Dungeon, okay. This is in the days when there was 30 of them. Yeah, something like Escaping. No, I did a gig at Dracula's once. We did it for radio. We did a gig there. It was a great set-up. They were all sitting in great...

It was like a Shakespearean theatre kind of thing. It was a fantastic set-up. It is very funny how Melbourne at one point had three theatre restaurants, Witches and Britches, Dracula's and Hunchback's. Two of them, it's funny how like they keep closing down and there seems to basically be no demand for new ones to pop up to replace it. You know, it's like people are just happy. If that last one closed down, no one would be like,

Melbourne's theatre restaurant industry has been decimated we need the theatre restaurants to come back you're sentenced to deliciousness there we go yeah there we go yeah

but you know what there's not much restaurant in the theatre restaurant there's not much theatre either so the name is not the food was always bad

and we hung around and watched a bit of Dracula's and it was terrible they should have it it's not terrible enough. That's my problem with theatre restaurants

because I went to one and you want it to be really bad or really good and it's neither. So there's a bit of like disappointment coming out of there. Like you want a story not just like...

You want the food to be great and the show to be terrible. Well, I want a three or a ten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want a six. Yeah, you're right. There's nothing to talk about with a six out of a ten.

Someone should open one that's, you know how there's that, the William Anglis, the school, like the cooking school, and they have the restaurant where it's like a little cheaper because it's still people that are learning. People training, yeah. Someone should open a theatre restaurant that's like drama students and apprentice chefs, right? And they're both learning the same thing.

So you go in, it's like you get a show that's maybe going to be a bit shit because there's some people that should have dropped out of drama school and you know like give them a you know one of the not as popular sort of a theme

so you don't get Dracula's you don't get you get goblins yes or Frankensteins no no

like Roman scandals that was a big one sort of togas right Nero's fiddle in Fern Tree Gully I think was one

yeah but instead of something good you need something not as good you need the Dark Ages or you need something that doesn't the bubonic plague

the 40s or something because there was Vietnam War yeah or you could have it because there was one

Vietnam War theatre restaurant that would be great because the food would be great but that's the that would because the food would be great but that's the funny thing is that no one with the theme

of these theatre restaurants no one's ever linking it to food you know it's like Hunchbacks Witches and Britches Dracula's like no one's ever thinking

like Vietnam War would be great that'd be a great show culturally insensitive very funny but delicious food let's do an Italian Mafia one yes

yes the Sopranos Theatre Restaurant would be awesome yes do a place up like the Bada Bing you know you're getting like Let's do an Italian mafia one. Yes. The Sopranos Theatre. There we go. Do a place up like the Butter Bing. You know, you're getting like gabagool and shit. That'd be awesome. Yeah, totally. Get your mate Nick Gianopolis to do a show there.

Yes. You get taken to the tar pits at the end of the night. What about Terry Gill, who I think may have passed away a couple of years ago? The Flying Doctor's own. Australian actor was in Bluey he ran one in High Street Malvern

called Shufty's Tivoli I went I did a gig there Really? Home of 56 O'Clock Rock Yes It was like a 50s theme

Yeah But then I grew up like a block away from there and I always used to walk past with my mum and be fascinated by it and be like what the fuck is this place?

And it was in the same building as Undertaker's. Yes. It was like Tobin Brothers. And somehow Shufti's Tivoli was more grim than the frontage. Very quickly, my girlfriend used to, when she was still my girlfriend, we used to walk past a place that was called The Undertaker, the bar, and she'd be like, remember when we went on a date there? And I'd have to always say, we never went on a date there.

Cheers for that. Another guy. Doesn't like what he's down. Learning so much. But no, Terry Gill had one in, do you know where that cinema is? The Lido? Yeah, yeah. In a little mall.

Glenferry Road. Glenferry Road, Hawthorne. And it was a double theatre. It was a restaurant called The Bull and Bush Slash The Naughty Nineties. Oh, yes. So they had two themes. It could either be Ned Kelly sort of dampers or Naughty Nineties sort of can-can dancing. And the idea was you would phone up and you would select which one you wanted

and whichever they got the most bookings for, that was the one they went with. So that was like a double sort of choose-your-own-adventure. I thought you meant naughty 90s as in the 90s that have just... Oh, like brunch, Nirvana. Naughty 90s. The guy doing Pearl Jam covers. Yeah, yeah, Kurt Cobain comes out with his boobs out.

People with really big mobile phones. That's a pretty good theatre restaurant. A 90s theme. It'd be great. Good music. Somebody dressed as the dwarf from Twin Peaks talking backwards.

Yes. Absolutely. That would be great. And some of us who started in the 90s could do our acts there exactly yes

because you know when I did a gig at some festival a lot of comedians in Melbourne would only have to slightly alter their acts well

I had a great moment when I got to do a cameo in the Aunty Donna Glenridge high and they wanted me to play myself

in the 90s right it was pretty much oh wow and they said can you bring in we want you to bring in stand up that no longer They wanted me to play myself in the 90s. Right. It was pretty much. And they said, can you bring in, we want you to bring in stand-up that no longer makes sense. Yeah.

So I think I did a bit about the Millennium Buck. Right. Oh, fantastic. That was fun. Great. Man, I love that theatre restaurant, not knowing the theme until the curtain comes up. Yeah. And it's not the one you voted for.

Yeah. Just turning on your fellow diners like, you voted for fucking Ned Kelly? And also, they're just doing whatever they want. They're not publishing the results of the votes. No, that's right. This theatre restaurant was stolen. I reckon one of those things, they would never have done it.

They just say, oh, you've got the option. You've never done the second one. I reckon you're right. The costumes that they had is what they're going with. They're not panicking. It's not getting to 6.59 and going, there's only a couple of votes in it. No one get dressed yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Flip a coin to decide it. Yeah, no way. At 6.59pm. No way. Anyway, sorry. I started talking about my wife. Williamstown.

That's what we went to. Williamstown. So she, very city girl, very much like that. I've said not very long ago on the show, she genuinely thought at one stage that Sovereign Hill was just Ballarat. Everything outside of Melbourne might as well be a third world country. Ballarat is Cryol Castle. Yes.

Exactly. Another great almost theatre restaurant yeah so very you know my love for Thailand she's not a fan of it because it's a third world country

she's like why don't we just go to Italy you know I want to go to LA and Italy and all this nice stuff she hates the idea of going back to Thailand

and all that sort of stuff so very snobby and you know of course that raises the very obvious question why is she settled for me if she's very snobby and you know of course that raises the very obvious question why is she settled for me if she's that snobby

and she's that highfalutin but anyway we haven't solved that mystery anyway what she also doesn't can't get her head around is the fact that

like I grew up in the country whatever so when it rains I'm very happy I'm very much like she's like oh rain this is shit

shit weather and I go you've got to be happy for the rain without rain there's'm very much like, she's like, oh, rain, this is shit, shit weather. And I go, you've got to be happy for the rain. Without rain, there's no life. You know? And she's like, oh, farm boy. You know, oh, you love the, you know, so whenever there's a storm, she will literally say to me, I bet you're happy. Have you got a hard on now or what?

Like, you love the rain, you know? Took a turn. Wow. Okay. It's all happening out in the country. Yeah, I'm a bit of a classic farm boy. I get a big heart on it. I cum immediately as soon as I hear the sound of rum.

The drought's broken. Liquid comes down, liquid goes back up again. It's a circle of life. Really? But what was she like? Do you remember a few years ago when you'd drive down Punt Road and there was that number that said how low the reservoirs were in Melbourne. And we got down to like 19%.

I know. I hated that. She didn't care at all. She's like, there's plenty of water at Woolworths. We can go and get more there. Yeah, I can turn on the tap, the water comes out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. We'll use another reservoir.

We don't need that empty one. Yep. So she, yeah, doesn't have a great understanding of that. But then I'm the other way where I'm like, I'm from the farm. I grew up on the farm. I've got appreciation for Mother Nature and the water and everything. And she's like, you know, you moved to the farm when you were 14 years old. You're not a farm boy.

Fair enough, I literally lived in a court. But that's exactly the same time when you're getting boners. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a link. It's a link. Yeah, yeah. It's a link. It's a link. That's fair. Like Harry Potter, you know, finding something magical or whatever it was.

Yeah, the two things. The two things. I saw a picture of Samantha Vox and there was a heavy storm one night and the drought broke. I never got the two apart in my own mind. Yeah. But so the other night I went out for a drink in the park with friends of the show, Brett Blake and Nick Capper.

And it was quite a very balmy night, very, very hot night. And one of those nights where I'm always like, I can't wait till the weather changes. I can't wait till we get a bit of rain or some sort of change in the weather and we get back to like 19 degrees rather than 34 degrees or something. So we're sitting there at night and all of a sudden I get the feeling because all of a sudden a few drops start to come down. I'm like, here we go, boys. The drought's broken.

Before that, you started getting a bit of a semi. Yes. Like I reckon the change is coming in. Yeah, yeah. So a couple of jobs come down. Where are the veins going off? Yeah. The barometer is at full pressure.

So I literally go, all right, boys, here we go. This is it. And then nothing. And I'm like, that's weird. And then. Cock tease. Yeah. I'm like, oh, it's just.

Bit of pre-cum as it were yeah so boy there's more meat on this bone than I thought there'd be honestly

more meat on this boner so I wait another 10 seconds there's nothing and I'm like you know I'd already

said it's going to rain everyone boys it's going to rain then they go you hear a noise'm like, you know, I'd already said it's going to rain, everyone. Boys, it's going to rain. Then they go, you hear a noise. They go, no, you know what's just happened? A possum just pissed on me. Oh, no.

The old possum pissed. I've made the big farm boy call. The possum's just, out of everyone, just put it straight onto me. I've come home. My wife has got a very keen sense of smell. She's going, what is wrong with you? I'm like, oh, I thought it was going to rain and then some possum pissed on me. Golden shower.

Yeah, possum. So she's like... Shell the possum. She's as snobby with her nose as she is culturally. Like if I come in for a run, she goes, you stink. I'm like, I've literally, I'm in my running outfit. What do you think was going to happen? Yeah.

So anyway, she keeps reminding me of that for the next couple of days. We're out in the balcony two days later. Yep. And she's like, oh, what's that noise? And there's a heap of screeching or whatever. And I go, oh, that's just some wildlife up in the trees. And she goes, ah, the possums. You know what that is?

They want their toilet back. Carl, Carl, ah, the possums. You know what that is? They want their toilet back. Carl, Carl, come back. Yeah, they've marked you. Yeah, yeah. Now this is like... Your wife's quite funny. I know. Well, that's why I'm saying,

I thought, you know what? It's worth putting on. For years I used to... You know, I said the other week, you know, she thought Sovereign Hill was Ballarat and she wasn't very happy with that. So now I thought,

well, you know what? I'll make it one all. I'll put the time when she absolutely burnt me and I had no return. You're like when the cat in the Pepe Le Pew cartoons accidentally

gets a bit of white paint on it. Yes. And then Pepe Le Pew wants to fuck it. You've accidentally been pissed on by a possum. Yes.

And now they're all like, fuck it now, that looks alright, doesn't it? Come here, sweetheart. Yeah. What did she have to say about the office works car?

How did that go? Some things are safe for the potter, not for at home. That's not very Eastern Suburbs. Does she listen to this? No, no. But her friends do. Her friends, every now and then I'll come home and she'll look at me very sternly.

I'll be like, one of her friends has told her what's happened. Nothing worse when your partner's told. Yes. Happens to me. Some of the parents of school tell my partner what I've said about her on the radio. Right, right. It's like, oh, fuck. If I find a particularly good picture for social media that refers to the Officeworks

card story or something like that, I'll have to put in one of our private groups instead of on the main feed because then she'll see the main feed and go, what's this in reference to? What's this say where you shit your pants and you got an Officeworks card and stuck it up your ass? What's that all about? Are there any fluids left that you haven't just been absolutely covered in at a certain point?

What animals are left? What species haven't defecated or pissed on you? Hey, we're out of lockdown. It's only going to get worse from here. Exactly. Now that you can go for walks without masks on. Mmm, that mouth. Yummy.

All right, we better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Tony Martin, Dave O'Neill, thank you so much for joining us. And hello to Carl's wife's friends. Your dobbers. Keep it down, all right? There are some things you can enjoy

without having to tell your friends about it. If she wanted to listen, she would listen. I've met her. She's a lovely person. What happens in the Dum Dum Club. Yes. Yes. We're just like Vegas, very corrupt and nothing good,

and there's plenty of bodies in the desert. Yeah, yeah. Tony, people can check out the Sizzletown podcast. Yes, that's there, and I've got an audio book of Lolly Scramble, which is only at iTunes at the moment. Which took you how long to... Seven months! I heard that on the radio.

Yeah, because a lot of noise in the neighbourhood, a child learning to play the tuba next door. Right. And yeah, if you listen closely in the right channel, there is a bit of tuba. Oh, wow. Because you've done this recently, because when you put the book out,

it wasn't a... Because now you automatically just have to do one thing. Well, in the old days, you had to be selected. You had to – they would do CDs because they had to make it. It wasn't just downloadable. And I remember with Lolli Scramble, they didn't do one. So I called up the company Mooney Ponds that had a monopoly on talking books. Like if they didn't do it, there was no other way of it.

There was no MP3s. This is 2005. And I call them up and I say, why haven't you done one of Lolli Scramble? And they go, well, sorry, but you have to have sold 10,000 copies before we will do it. And I said, my book has sold 10,700 copies. And they went, right, send it in. And I sent it in. And then they called me back two weeks later and said no we don't want to do it oh so 15 years later great it's gone to number two on itunes

couldn't get to number one thanks to matthew mcconaughey but it got to number two so fuck you belinda books of moody ponds you might want to beat their name. Oh, right. All right, all right, all right. Check out Tony Martin's Lolly Scramble. I've read it. It's a fantastic book. Very nice. I mean, very bad. I got asked to read it the other day, yeah. You did Bill Clinton, didn't you?

Matthew Withers. Matthew Withers. Yeah, so check those two out. All right, all right, all right. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Dave O'Neill, you've got Somehow Related, your podcast. With Glenn Robbins, yeah. And The Debrief,ief yeah which is still going

you've all been on it and The Junkies we're having a break because Kitty's filming a TV show but we'll be back I got told about that because I was doing

talking a lot about strawberry paddle pops on Instagram she loves them yeah she loves them and everyone was referring me to her so then it ended up

with me going okay and just texted Kitty going, I heard you like strawberry paddle pops. Milkshake. Yeah, milkshake paddle pops. And she's like, yeah. And I'm like, yeah, why did I start this line of conversation?

Yeah, she's a big rap for them. She's a big rap for them. Yeah. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, Puffs. See you, guys. And they've done it again.

Oh, boy. Mm-hmm. The boys up top. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Sometimes, you know, there's a reason why they're at the start of the show. The support act. Yeah.

For the much better show. Yeah. Yeah, look. They did good. Yeah. They did good again, if you could say that yeah i think so is there a shorter way of saying they did good they did good once more no again i'm fine with yeah it's all the other stuff that i had to take i would i would say this they have uh kicked a big one bernie okay yeah i would say that i'll go that far to say that much yeah all right it's just i've just been taken with the fact i've just realized

you've got double corduroy on i didn't realize that before you just changed into that or not no did you have that the whole time yes a lot of corduroy entire day in fact you're sitting further away from me now than you were for the episode. There were other guests to look at, I think. Yeah, okay. Maybe that was it. All right. We seldom do this on the pod. What was Tony wearing?

Let's do a fashion recap of what the guests were wearing. Like one of those puzzles where it's like, now quickly, what was in the room? Yeah. Yeah, okay. I know because he had a joke T-shirt on, which I did notice. I sort of thought, you're a bit better than that, aren't you, Tony? T-shirt that says, I love, I heart Reservoir, the suburb. Yes, which is, look, I would say not one of the more memorable suburbs of Melbourne.

No, but hey, that's the joke. Yeah. That's why it's a joke T-shirt. It is a funny joke T-shirt. I mean, I just wish that Josh Sherl had been on this episode because that's where he lives. Yes. To be sitting opposite someone going, imagine loving where you live, fuckhead. Imagine the kind of simple mind that enjoys that.

I'm surprised I didn't get a comment from Dave O'Neill. I know. When Tony turned up, I thought we were going to get the nightclub, the school, the private school, the public school. We should have been better. We should have made a link between the two just before. We should have done that. Yeah. Yeah, but, you know, I'd like to think that they could handle that on their own.

They've been doing this longer than we have. What about Dave? What was he wearing? He was wearing... I didn't notice what he was wearing as much as I noticed that he had... He was pretty keen on wearing the sunglasses today. That's the thing that popped into my head.

A bit glary out there. Yeah, he was doing a bit of cool sunglass wear today. You know what? I just took a picture of all of us. I know. I was going to go back and have a look. I was wondering how long it was going to take you to work that out. Dave was wearing, I believe, a blue shirt.

Yes. A blue button shirt. Also, I know that I'm... One of the staples of the Dave O'Neill wardrobe. Now that I'm looking at this picture, I noticed that you were wearing double corduroy as well. Yep. I don't know if I brought that up. Yep.

Corduroy hat and corduroy shirt? Yep. Do you call that a shirt? An over shirt, yeah. Over shirt. Yep. Couldn't really hat and corduroy shirt? Yep. Do you call that a shirt? An overshirt, yeah. Overshirt, right. Couldn't really wear it by itself. Would look a bit weird with nothing underneath. Absolutely.

It's that kind of boxy, boxy cut, big buttons. Very warm. Halfway between a coat and a shirt. Pretty warm for a thick corduroy today, I would have thought. Corduroy. Is it? I didn't feel like it was that warm out there. Okay.

Getting warm too quickly these days, maybe. I don't know. What do you mean? Well, I feel like I'm going outside. Your tolerance for being hot, is it a lower degree than it used to be? Maybe. Or I keep seeing, like, oh, it's going to be 22 today. And I go, 22's not that hot.

And I go out there and it's fucking hot. I don't know what that's. I think the sun's stronger. Okay. It's very glary out there. And the sun is stronger. The sun's stronger. Okay. It's very glary out there. The sun is stronger. The sun's stronger. That's what they say.

I don't know if... I don't know if that... What if that's... Was you like, didn't believe in climate change. Still, I started going outside and realised I was wearing shorts when I didn't need to. Yeah. That's what won me over. Yeah.

So I went outside and went, it's too hot for corduroy today. Yeah, things have changed. Things have changed. Things have changed. Yeah. Yeah. Just like you always say, do your own research. And I've done it. Yep.

And that's it. Climate change is real. So your own research is just you setting foot outside. Regular scientist over here. I'm not. Opening the door. Big day in the lab. I'm not.

I'm not worrying about the Weather Channel anymore. No. I don't believe what they're saying. No. Now I've finally gone outside. Yep. I know the real truth about the Weather Channel anymore. I don't believe what they're saying. Now I've finally gone outside. I know the real truth about the weather. I feel like I'm just constantly getting fucked over by the weather app in Melbourne at the moment. Really? That's what I'm trying to say.

Yeah, you mentioned at the end of the episode about being out at a park and getting a bit of rain on. I mean, that happened to me on i think saturday sitting around at the park all of a sudden bit of drizzle comes through now this wasn't this wasn't what i was led to believe was going to happen today right the fuck's this bullshit the apple weather app notoriously bad the built-in one i think i need to start uh i think i need to get a third party and, get a new weather app. You know my least favorite thing in terms of getting caught by weather? And I'm usually pretty good with this, which means this is why I'm so frustrated when I do get caught. Going out and it's colder than I thought it was going to be. I'm always prepared with an extra, maybe a light jacket or a heavy jacket.

Went out the other day without any insurance. Just a t-shirt. Yep. Oh my God. Just a new experience for me. Could not handle it. Really? Yeah.

I've always got the insurance there. And to get caught out and it ends up being 14 or something. Just with a t-shirt on. And just no other gear. But if you had to pick. Stuck in first gear with no chance of getting out. Yeah, yeah. But you're saying that.

What would you prefer? Because I know that you hate the heat. So would you rather be, yeah, caught out like that, too cold, or be walking around where it's too hot? Would you rather be in the cold in a t-shirt and let's say shorts? Or would you rather be, yeah, it's like a sweltering day. Yeah, but you don't get caught walking in the heat with a jacket on going, oh, well, this is stuck on me. But I mean, would you rather be, yeah, it's like a sweltering day. Yeah, but you don't get caught walking in the heat with a jacket on going, oh, well, this is stuck on me.

But, I mean, would you rather spend the whole day being too cold or be just walking around in the blistering heat? You're still in the same outfit, let's say, but it's, you know, overly hot. Try and make sure this is a realistic hypothetical because I'm trying. Well, you know what? To be honest, okay, well, what about this? I do very much hate being caught out in the heat with jeans on yeah it does drive me fucking pretty crazy yeah if you're like in the city like walking around you get a lot of errands

to run and you're like you realize it's so long until you can get home and change out and you're like halfway through you've still got a few more places to walk to. That is pretty awful. That will absolutely ruin my day. Caught in the heat with jeans on. Walking around in Thailand with jeans on. I couldn't imagine that. All the times I've gone to Thailand and then it's going to be cold on the plane.

Flying somewhere, flying into a different climate. But that's why you bring a little pair of shorts in your carry-on, duck into the dunny, get changed right before landing, fuck me, that feels like a tier one operator move.

Yes. I do a bit of that but at the airport. Okay. Yeah. I might do even a bit of that. You feel like a secret agent going in to have

a bit of a costume change. You know what I'm a big fan of actually? Doing that at Changi Airport. Flying to Singapore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do the change over there. You've got a little flight ahead of you.

You're already in the shorts there. Yep. Pretty good. Pretty good. Yeah. But yeah, the planes... Also, Changi Airport, a bit warm as well. The planes are always so cold.

They really need to split the difference. It should be halfway between the climate of where you're leaving from and where you're going. Just to kind of gently ease you into it. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. Anyway, just a dream. Just a dream of having that as a conundrum at some stage. Getting to Changi Airport and changing clothes.

What a dream. Yep. But I think, yeah, look, to be fair, yes, I'd rather be cold than hot. Okay. Interesting. That's my choice of hell. Yeah. If I get to choose it. I'd rather be cold than hot. Okay, interesting. That's my choice of hell. Yeah. If I get to choose it.

I'd rather be hot. Really? Yeah, I love it. See, this is the thing that drives me crazy about, don't say her name, my wife, where she's, I'm always like, I'd rather be cold. And she's like, I want to be hot all the time. I'm like, cool, let's go to Thailand. No.

Yeah. Why? This is what you want. No. But maybe she's looking out for you. She's like, well, let's go to Thailand. No. Yeah. Why? This is what you want. No. But maybe she's looking out for you. She's like, well, you hate it. I don't want you to be unhappy. There doesn't mean a lot of thinking that way, I don't think.

Maybe subconsciously that's what's going on. She just wants what's best for you. Maybe. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'm always like, it's exactly what you want. It is a strange argument, though, when you're like, I like when it gets cold. And then next minute, we have to escape winter.

Yeah. We have to head to another climate now. Yes. I've got a weird thought about weather where when it's hot here in Melbourne, I hate it. Yeah. But when it's hot over there, I love it. Because I'm like, for some reason, I don't know why, I think hot weather is for there and hot weather is not for here.

It is not appropriate here. It's in the wrong place. Keep that away from here. We are in this city. We are kind of, apart from, you know, I love hitting like a nice beer garden at a pub on a hot day. Or maybe someone's balcony. Taking a long drive to one of the nice beaches in Victoria.

But that's not immediately accessible. But yeah, this city isn't really built for heat. Yes. Maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. There's not many options available to us on a super hot day. If you're in Perth and it's like a 40 degree day, you've got a beautiful beach 15 minutes out of the city. Here you've got to drive a fair way out,

unless you want to go to St Kilda and step on a syringe and get hassled for 20 bucks. All in the same place. All in the same place, yeah. At dinner tonight. In the same... Boy, I hope we get an update on that dinner. Me too.

Yeah. Yeah, as Tony walked out the door, I heard him just go, gee, I hope we get an update on that dinner. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. As Tony walked out the door, I heard him just go, gee, I hope he turns up. Yeah. What do you reckon? I bet he doesn't turn up. If I know Fleety, what you need to do, all of my business with him over the years has always been he will not turn up unless you remind him that there's a thing to do.

So if Tony doesn't remind him today, and the tough thing with Tony is he doesn't have a mobile. Yes. So unless he gets home from here, gets on the landline, rings Fleety. At a payphone. Yeah, exactly. There's a lot going on. Very low chance of any of this happening. Unless he can get an express post chance of any of this happening.

Unless he can get an express post letter to Fleety this afternoon. I don't like his chances. I don't know. I don't know. I always forget that Tony doesn't have a mobile because he's on Twitter a lot.

Yeah. And so you just assume this is a guy who's like, you know, he's firing off some tweets when he's on the tram or whatever. The fact that you know

it's just him at the desk yeah at the workstation yeah yeah yeah like on a on a solid on a on the laptop that in the home office just firing off the laptop just the old the big old ibm 486 yeah yeah yeah one of those macs with like the colored clear shell like back yeah that he's just sitting down for a couple hours and firing off tweets on that thing. It makes his output so much funnier. I like the idea that he's using the old Mac Clam design. Remember that one? The Clam laptop one?

The coloured Clam? Looked like an oyster shell. One of the first laptops that they produced, right? Yeah. And they were all like the pastel. It was like the clear orange and the clear... Just after the iMac where they were all coloured and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bring them back. I reckon in the next five years, they're going to bring that vibe back. It's not a bad idea. I reckon... I was actually talking about this with someone the other day. I reckon as of maybe about two to three years ago, that is regularly being floated in the office over there. I reckon that's just enough time has passed where someone has started going.

It's on a whiteboard somewhere. The time, if they dropped it like any time from now, people would flip their lids. I agree.

And with this kind of stuff, you've got to get in pretty quick because the nostalgia can fade as quickly as it came back into season. It can fade right back in.

I agree. There's been a lot, there's too many, there's been grey laptops for too long now. Yep. Get a white one out. Well, even, you know,

so they've just brought out new iPhones quite recently. They got this iPhone 12. You bet this, folks. They got this iPhone 12. Then they got the iPhone 12 Pro. And then there's a Pro Max. And there's also a Mini. Right.

So there's four separate versions, basically, of the same model out at the same time. Right. And they've missed the, they've fucking, this was the big chance. Yeah. The clear back.

Yep. The clear, like, pink back. Did you get, that's what it should have been. Did you get an iMac back in the day?

No. You didn't? Nah. I came to the Mac pretty late. We were a PC family. Right. I thought they were still, because they were the computers

that you'd have at school. Right. So it was always a bit like, eh. And in the day you couldn't you couldn't get a lot of stuff on them like if you wanted to play games or whatever i remember like most things weren't on it and i remember like the you know not having a right mouse button it was like how the fuck do you even use this thing right well i come from the graphic design background so that was there's no option basically in those days you have to do it you have to get right so that was the first mac i ever owned the um the whatever you call that design now like the the the rounded the one you could pick up round yeah you could but the cool thing was you can just pick it up that's right

handle on it yeah unbelievable yeah i was transporting it around. So awesome. Were you really? Yeah. And not a laptop? No. Yeah, right. But I wasn't treating it like a laptop and just going to a cafe with it. Yeah, yeah. Having to plug it in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was bringing it to work or traveling between houses and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, okay. A little handle on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Not the most convenient houses and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, okay. A little handle on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Not the most convenient thing of all time. No. But certainly more convenient than picking up the hard drive and the monitor and the keyboard. It's funny that you say that it was the go-to for design because, yeah, that was... Friends growing up had a couple of friends whose dads were like graphic designers or worked in whatever adjacent field. And they would have the Mac. Like, you'd go around to their house. Yep. And i bought this game around they're like we can't use it yeah like why the fuck do you have one of these yeah yeah it's

like with a lot of shame like uh dad uses it for fucking you know autocad or whatever it was yeah yeah yeah no great i mean so you heard this can be one of those things every now and then someone will post in one of the um various various Facebook groups that we have for the podcast. Something will happen in the news or whatever that we've sort of, you know, very seeing into the future like four years ago. You know, we've referenced something and then it happens. This can be one of those things in a few years time. We've now got a record that we called it right

the clear the clear back apple are going back yeah to the transparent pastel colors yeah yeah in the next couple of years yep um i'll have a blueberry one i think i had a blueberry mac oh yeah that was a good one yeah i think that's that's the one i had fuck it's such a shame because they have just done a whole new line of stuff so it's another couple of years off have you Have you got a bit of a computer graveyard where every time you go through a laptop or something, do you keep it? Do you have it stored away somewhere? I upgrade so infrequently. I think I thrash – I get close to a decade. Yeah, actually, you're right.

You had one that you went on for ages. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I last about three to four years, that's it. That last one is still in my room because I just have this paranoia that I'll remember something that's on it that I need. I can't bring myself to let go of it. I think always the mark is the moving house is the point where you finally, for me, where I finally let go of something like that.

It stays in a cupboard or a drawer or whatever and Yeah. And then you move and it's like, well, I haven't needed anything on this for, you know, the two years since I got the last one. So it's time to fucking bin this. I think I might still have that blueberry Mac at my parents' house. I certainly still have the lamp one. Do you remember the lamp design? No.

Where it was, the hard drive was like a white half a white globe and then it had this at all then it had the um uh the screen came off like swiveling like a lamp oh kind of oh the g4 yeah yeah so it's like a big rounded dome within the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. The screen off the back of it. Yeah. On top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that one? Yeah.

That's still in my house. Okay. Got a couple of laptops that have been, you know, just absolutely being given a flogging and are still in the house. I think I might still have every computer I've ever bought. Wow. None of... Nearly all of them don't work.

Okay, yeah. But I can't bring myself to throw them out. So the G3 were the coloured ones with the handles and then the G4 was the lamp one. Right. That was the next one. Right. And I remember, yeah, that was very funny.

Like even just them, you know, getting rid of the like groovy colours was like, wow, this is real grown up shit now. Yeah. This company is coming of age. Yep. Anyway, that's a little Dum is real grown-up shit now. Yeah. This company is coming of age. Yeah. Anyway, that's a little Dum Dum Club tech talk for another week. Yeah. Real experts tech talk.

Remember the coloured ones? They were cool. Having to Google it. Oh, yeah, it was actually, a lot of people don't know this, but it was actually called the G3. Yeah. Also, it wasn't called the G3. I think that was just the processor name or something like that.

Oh, okay. So I don't think it was that. It wasn't named that G3. I think that was just the processor name or something like that. Oh, okay. So I don't think it was that. It wasn't named that. Anyway, yeah. I'm looking at this computer. I keep... The keys are falling off this model. I'm like, maybe I should buy a new computer.

I'm like, fuck. I can't just buy a new computer because the keys are falling off. Yeah, when did you get that one? And how hard are you... Especially in a year where you haven't been anywhere, you haven't taken the laptop. The laptops had no wear and tear in terms of being, especially in a year where you haven't been anywhere, you haven't taken the laptop, the laptop's had like no wear and tear in terms of being like chucked in a bag and bundled around.

I think this model, I was looking it up, this model's got a bit of a rep for keys coming off it. Okay. Which is good because I don't know why the keys are coming off otherwise because I haven't done anything weird to it. But, man, the keys are really, really coming off it. Wow. You're typing something and it's like, cool,

I've just typed one sentence and now I have six keys in my hand. Okay. Anyway, if anyone at Apple listens to this, please, feel free to send me a new computer. Yeah, if we have any folks listening from the Genius Bar, send in and let us know what the problem is. And, of course course after us doing live shows over the years we know there's a lot of geniuses in our lives so yeah man when are we going to do a live show again tommy great question it's got to be soon great question

when's dictator dan gonna have a press conference where he announces that live podcasts are back great the gym's back yeah the fucking you know restaurants more capacity bars more capacity the borders are slowly opening yep it's gonna happen when a podcast is back on the table yep well it'll happen soon when we're as uh restrictions ease as quality restrictions ease we'll we'll do a new one yeah well be waiting a while yeah um all right so uh part of the part of this bit of the program is saying thank you to everyone who subscribes to us via patreon.com slash little dum-dum club um keeps the lights on in here thank you very much to everyone who supports us in that way um it really does make sure that this show happens there's no other way it will happen um so thank you very much

for doing that of course for us to then say thank you back to you, which is weird because we're already doing something for you and then you're saying thank you by giving us money and then we go, well, you're welcome to thank you. Here's some more stuff and we give them extra. Right, and then that's where it ends. We don't then get people thanking us for doing the thanking of the thanking. No, we don't get a second subscription from people.

We don't get a second amount of money. This should just go on. This chain should just go on and on and on for as long as people want it to continue. They've drawn the line there. Yeah. That was their call. Yeah, that'll do. Here you go.

Thank you. You're welcome. No thank you if you're welcome? No, no. No, that's it. It's like if you get on a real run with sneezing where you're doing a lot in a row. Yeah. And quite common is to get a bless you after the first one.

A lot of people just go, I'm out now. This cunt's going to do this five or six more times. I'm checked out. I get a lot of that. I get a lot of that. I sneeze too much. And yeah, people go, no, thank you. I like to try and give it up for as many as I can.

I like to throw them in. It becomes a little game. You know, you're doing six in a row. And at that point, it's addictive. Yeah. Just keep throwing in more bless yous. Yeah. But everyone's got their limit.

Yeah. You know, if someone hits like 10, it's like this relationship with the listeners. You've got to draw the line somewhere. Yes. It's like, I'm going to be here all day. Yes. If this person never stops sneezing, I'm just going to have to follow them around for the rest of their life, just yelling bless you at them.

Well, I do the annoying thing where I sneeze once, twice, three times, maybe four times, but then there'll be a big gap between the last one, the second last one and the last one. So it's like, bless you, bless you. Bless you. But I feel like maybe if they've given it up for the first one, maybe not the second and third, if there's a big enough gap,

don't you feel like maybe it's reset so then they are even more obligated to give up another bless you because now you're onto a new round of sneezing generally they're just pretty angry with me

by the end okay yeah thanks to everyone that subscribes including these new new inductions for the

the Patreon Hall of Fame as far as subscribers to us goes. We give you a lot of bonus content via patreon.com slash little dumb mum for a lot of bonus episodes. A lot of people have been happy with the stuff we've been chucking out there.

I think we've been pretty happy with it. Some pretty good stuff that we, you know, sometimes regret putting out to a limited audience instead of just as many people as we can. But, hey, that's good for you guys to pay the bonus money. That's not that much. Not at all. $10 American a month will get you so much content.

Yeah, two a week, two mini episodes a week on your Monday and your Friday. It's a fuck all, really. So get on to that. It'd be very nice to see some new people jump on board, be one of those new people. Remember the magazine thank god we weren't having to like fill that with content during lockdown i was about to say even we should just do a one-off and then i was like even that i can't be fucked yeah yeah yeah it was it was a lot maybe maybe one of these days though you know if we if if inspiration, we could churn out

just like a super special or something, but very glad to be done with that, that hassle. Yeah. I mean, if we got set a task

and went, okay, one page every two months and then in six months we have like a good 12 page magazine or something. But apart from that,

I cannot be fucked. We do enough stuff. Anyway, let's crack into this. Let's open up the UTA, the Unplanned Title Alternator. Keep this fair and square. A lot of people, sometimes we get a few people lately saying, when's my turn?

Well, if only it was that easy. Yep. It is absolutely random. We can't help who comes out. This person could have been subscribing for two weeks. This person could have been subscribing for two weeks. This person could have been subscribing for 30 years. You just don't know. Are you ready?

Yeah, I think I'm ready. Okay, great. Glad I asked. I'm hitting the big red button. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank this week. It is Alex Pretty. Very week, it is Alex Pretty. Very nice.

Yes. Alex Pretty. Yes. Yep. Or, of course, at Roll Call at school. Pretty Alex. Yes. Pretty Alex.

Now, is that, when I say that, when we say Pretty Alex, do you think of, well, Alex is very pretty, or do you think someone's done something, you go, that is pretty Alex of you? Ooh, no, that second one hadn't even crossed my mind. I go straight to this pretty boy. I assume boy, could be girl. I don't know. I mean, well, this is the conundrum. Alex, I hate to say it,

my mind kind of automatically goes to it being male. For whatever reason, that's just what's in my head. More experience with male Alex's than female Alex's. Or certainly an Alexandra or whatever, shortening their name to Alex. However, pretty. Very feminine.

So, you would like to think maybe it must be a woman, because you would like to think if it was a man, it'd be Alex Hansen. All right, yeah. The male version of being pretty. I really thought you were going to go with if it was a male. He would have killed himself by now. Well, yeah, potentially.

It is a good name. I mean, I'm not sure if I could have copped having pretty as a surname, as a guy growing up. But especially the generation and geography of where you grew up. Exactly. Absolute nightmare. Exactly. Exactly. But I do very much like the name.

I like the name Alex. And what I do like is the idea that Alex Pretty is a girl and is a good looking girl. Because then it's just like, you are just calling it. Yeah, you know what I prefer? What? You know what I'm going to say. No. Well, the opposite of what you've posited.

Right. Alex is a girl. An absolute bush pig. A real minger. So much better. Don't you think? Well, I don't mind either? Well I don't mind either one I don't mind either one

Because the problem is If it's a bit like I mean you're damned if you do You're damned if you don't If you go If you're a girl And you go Alex Pretty It's like people are just gonna

And if you are actually hot People are like Bit full of yourself Yes Given the full name Righto You could go by your middle name You know all this and that

Whereas yeah If you're just an absolute Given the full name, righto, you could go by your middle name, you know, all this and that. Whereas, yeah, if you're just an absolute slop bucket, then you're getting a little, I mean, that would be awkward, you introducing yourself, Alex Pretty, and they're like, ha-ha. They're like, what's funny about that? Oh, you know, just that your name is Pretty and you are, well, I mean, you know. I'm not telling you anything you haven't heard over the years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, you hear this every day of your life.

Yeah. But you look like a bucket of shit. Yeah, it's funny. It's funny for you to have, it's funny for you to be called something that you are the opposite of. Yes, yeah, yeah. Get it? You must get that every waking hour of your life.

Yes. The fact that it is ironic that your name is something you are the opposite of. Yeah, yeah. You fucking freak. Now I can see you typing. I can see keys furiously flying off that keyboard of yours. Am I correct in assuming that we're doing a bit of Facebook research? Yeah, and I'm very happy to say I cannot find this person.

Okay, thank God. So I can't very guiltily pretend that I haven't seen what they look like. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. Again, I've done my own research, but I cannot find this person. What's the better outcome? Hot guy, ugly guy, hot girl, ugly girl?

I, in my opinion. With this name. Not just in general. Okay. Well, all right. I'll give you a different answer. I still like the a different answer. I still like the idea pretty girl.

Because I just like the idea of just some nine walking out going, what's your name? Alex Pretty. And people just going, oh, fuck. What are the odds of this? This is frustrating. I am going to say ugly guy would be my preference for it. Right. Just imagine a real hunchback looking fella called Alex Pretty.

Yeah, but I almost think Pretty gets not thought about too much with a guy. Whereas with a girl, you're drawing the line between the two a lot easier. You think it's possible that people wouldn't make that link if it's a man with this surname? Not as much. Not as much, I reckon. Interesting. I reckon.

Interesting. Okay. I'm not sure. But that's what I'm hoping. But Alex, since I can't find you anywhere on the socials, please let us know. Let us know. Don't even send us a picture.

Just let us know if you're a six or a nine or a... Rate yourself't even send us a picture. Just let us know if you're a six or a nine. Rate yourself and then send us a picture and then we'll rate you. Only if you're a guy. Not if you're a girl. We have no interest in doing that. This feels very familiar. This feels like something we've said in this segment before. But this would be a great dating show where three bachelors and there's no like,

where would you take me on a date? You know what? All this, you know, tell me a bit about yourself. It's literally just, what's your name? And then the bachelors will say,

and then the lady decides who she wants to date. Yeah. Based purely on the name. Yeah. That's something we've come up with before, but I'm going to say it again because it's a great idea. Yeah. And it's literally just the bachelorette just doing this,

just riffing on Alex Pretty by herself for like 15 minutes while just a hideous man sits there just weeping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And her giving a rose to a name tag. Yes. Yeah. Yes, yes. That's great.

And then the men all, oh, what about this? There's the name tags and the Bachelorette kind of look and sort of like, okay, yeah, I like this one. I like this one. Then all the men come in. Then she has to take the name tags and put them on who she thinks the name belongs to. That legitimately would be very good. That is good.

Yeah. I used to have a weird thing in my head where I'd be like, I reckon I can just looking and knowing people, I reckon I can guess what football team they barrack for. Like as if that's a thing connected to someone's essence. No, you don't look like you'd barrack for Hawthorne. You look more like... And what was your strike rate like with this? I thought it was pretty good.

I reckon, in my memory tells me, I reckon, I felt like I was batting about 75% or something. Okay. Bring it back. Maybe in our Patreon group. Here's another ad for that. We can start a thread where people just, you know, comment if they want to be subjected to a guess by you. You can see how they go.

Don't be, you can't go on their profile. And also, you can't be wearing any team stuff in your picture if you're going to throw your hat in the ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to see their picture, though. I feel like I need to see their picture. Sure. They post just a good, just a generic photo of themselves.

Yes, yes, yes. And then you can comment on that below and go, here's what team I reckon. All right, here we go. We can do that. It'd be great if this is the thing that makes the Patreon subscriptions just absolutely skyrocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People going, I want to be in on this fucked game. Yes.

I want to see him try and say he barracks for Brisbane. Yeah. And I don't. And tell him he's fucking wrong. I love that idea where it's like, I've got to see your profile. Cool. Okay. Lives in Brisbane.

Do you barrack for Brisbane? Yes. I've done it again. Yep. Yep. So that's why they just have to post a pic and then you're not allowed to go on the page and get any influence there. Sure.

All right. Well, thanks. Thanks, Alex Pretty. Thanks, Sexy Alex. Thanks, Stunner Alex. Yeah. Thanks. My dicky is hardy, Alex.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Matthew Lapsley. Okay. Yeah. Lapsley. Yeah. Hmm. Not really for me. Well, it shouldn't really be for anyone, I think.

I mean, when we say names are made up made up you know names are all made up at some stage now what why would you have made that up why put things in your way like that like lapsley like oh lapsy or laply lapsy yeah yeah lapsley it's so clunky it's it's one of those things that even though you're saying it right it makes you feel like you have a speech impediment as you're saying it. Lapsley. Yeah. Yeah. Why, at some stage, someone's had to go, what name should we have?

And they've literally made that name up. What about all those people that move countries and then go, oh, my name sounds a bit weird. I'm coming from this country. I'm coming from that country. I better just tighten it up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why didn't someone tighten this one up? Yeah, yeah. This is a bit too many cooks. I reckon there, this country, I'm coming from that country, I better just tighten it up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why didn't someone tighten this one up?

Yeah, yeah, this is a bit too many cooks. I reckon this is a few, this is like a movie that you see that's just too many things going on. Bit of network, bit of studio interference with this name. Please, if you, I mean, if Matthew Lapsley ever tries to talk to us on the socials, sorry, but you're going to have to choose whether it's Lapsy or Lapley. Yeah, make a fake account to talk to us on the socials. Sorry, but you're going to have to choose whether it's Lapsy or Lapply. Yeah, make a fake account to talk to us

because I don't want to have to see this coming up in my feed. No, I don't want to see it. I don't even want to read it out loud in my head. I have seen this on the socials and even aesthetically. It's very angular. It's very unpleasant to look at. I'm not a fan in any way, shape or form. Lapsly. It's not pretty. It any way, shape or form. Lapsley.

It's not pretty. It's not Alex Pretty. No. In any way. Lappy. Lapsley. Lapsley. Yeah, Lappy would be good.

Lapsy. Lapsy would be good. I do like that idea. I'd kind of forgotten that that was a thing that's like, I guess it's more common Asian immigrants. It's pretty common, right? Move to an English-speaking country and you'll often hear people go, oh, this is what my name is in, like back home.

And then it's kind of like tweaked for here. It would be funny to just move from like Australia to the UK and just be like, no, you know, back home. But I mean, it doesn't, you know, it sort of doesn't really make sense over here. So I'm just completely. Last time's grey, so I'm just going to call it blue over here. Right. Because you guys probably don't understand what that means.

Well, no, other way around. Yeah, yeah, sure. I'm Carl Blue and over here I'm Carl Grey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I just thought you guys, it's like you've never seen a blue sky in your fucking miserable lives. My name's Carl Shit now. Right.

Yeah. Carl Kill Myself. Yeah. Or if you were like, if I was Tommy Dollar, and then I go over there, it's Tommy Pound over here. Yeah. If you get an English, no, what would it be? You come from England, you come over here and you get an Australian girlfriend and you're talking dirty to her and you're like, I'm going to dollar your ass.

What do you mean? Wow. What a run-up. So much. So much. Just you working out the geography of that set-up. So you're from it. No, wait.

Wait, wait, hang on. You're from there and you come over here. Yes. Worth it. Worth it. And then you get an Australian girlfriend. I'm trying to imagine myself with an Australian girlfriend. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I'm with you. Yeah. Yeah. That's how comedy works. If you're not in comedy, that's actually how you, that's, usually I'm just saying that off mic to myself, writing a joke like that.

Yep. You heard a joke get born. The process. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good. How the bread is made. Dollar your ass. Dollar. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty good. How the bread is made.

Dollar your ass. Dollar your ass. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. Lapo. Lapo. Lapsley.

Yeah. Even laps. Matthew Laps. L-A-P-S-E. Would you go with that? Could you live with that? Then you've got, I mean i mean yeah then like saying something is you know to to lapse yeah it would be cool with names if um if your birth certificate slash i

know your license can expire but if when it expired you had to change your name so it doesn't just dictate whether or not you can drive a car it's keeping it's your name it's keeping your name registration up to date yes it's like oh fuck i didn't pay my name rego and then by then you go back in because i have had that happen with my car i forgot to pay my rego this is a couple years ago now and then by the time i went and did it it it was so far out of date that i had to like get it roadworthy for my car and get new plates i couldn't just update it and get the same plates so if it was like that with a name. So it's like you've let it lapse. You've got to go.

You've got to pay for a whole new name. And guess what? Your name, you got in while the getting was good and it wasn't that popular. You got it at a good rate. If you want Carl now, it's a bit more in vogue. It's going to cost you more. And you're like, oh, I don't really want to pay for this anymore. What about this?

What about this? You get a free hit at changing your last name as long as both your parents are dead. Because it doesn't matter if you change your name. It's so funny the idea that people have children to carry on the family lineage and then you're just there going, all right, now that these two cunts are gone, it's time to have a little fun. Just your dad rolling around in his grave. Absolutely.

Fuck! Yeah. But he goes to his grave thinking, the Lapsley name goes on. It lives on. Yeah. You know, I've had my kids. They're all sprouting out. Yeah.

Their kids, whatever. And as soon as he's down on the ground, it's like, all right, he's gone. And if you've got a bad, bad surname, you're front and center campaigning for euthanasia. Let people die with dignity so that I can be free of the prison of being called Lapsley. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. I want to be, I want to be, I want to be called Matthew Rocketpants. Yep. And as soon as that

fucking old bloke, ashes to ashes, off I go. Rocketpants sounds like a classic, like, fake Facebook surname. Yeah.

That the least funny person you know has. Matthew Danger Rocketpants sounds like a classic fake Facebook surname that the least funny person you know has. Matthew Danger Rocketpants. Matthew Danger Rocketpants. Studied at the School of Hard Knocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gigolo at your mum. Yes, not bad. Not bad.

I think I've fought with a few of them on Facebook in the comments. Oh, we need to follow up on last week. Did you get any pushback from trying to say that you worked at Adelaide Comedy on your Facebook page last week? No, because I reckon the notifications would change or whatever. It just didn't come up. I don't think anyone saw that. Okay, interesting.

Yeah, which is good. Yep. Thanks, Matthew. Thanks, Matthew. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Danielle Cosgriff. Okay. Okay. This is interesting.

Danielle to me is like a younger woman's name. You know, I picture like a cool 20-year-old. Cosgriff to me is just like an old man. Yes. Really old man surname. Agree. Danny I'm a fan of. D-A-N-I. Love it like an old man. Yes. Really old man surname. Agree. Dani, I'm a fan of. D-A-N-I.

Love it. Really love it. Yep. Now, look. I don't know how to break this to you, but on Patreon, look, maybe this is good, maybe this is bad, since you've already stated you don't like Cosgriff. She's gone a bit of cosplay with her name. Oh, no. She's gone a bit of cosplay with her name. Oh, no.

She's gone with Danielle Cosgriffendor. Yuck. Everything about this is just sickening. Not – can we – do we need this money that bad? Should we give it back? Yeah, I wish I knew – it would be great to be you know i i feel like someone working in the entertainment industry it's it sort of behooves you to keep abreast of you know the pop culture references you know to have in your arsenal but i'm just absolutely drawing a blank

i would love to know what one of the fucking spells from harry potter is you know so we could yell this at this woman, you know, fuck off Iamis or whatever they say to just, you know, piss this money off. Yeah. Get a feather from an owl and put it in a pot and make a potion to make you fucking grow up, Danielle. Yeah, there we go. You're putting the sorting hat on and the sorting hat's saying,

you're a bit of a cunt. Right. A sorting hat. Yeah. That's the little thing that I know this much. That's when you are new at Hogwarts. The house that you get put into is determined by like a hat that talks to you. So they, this, now this just seems,

this just seems like a fucked way of doing things. Every new student, they have a ceremony where one by one, they sit there and they put the hat on and the hat kind of sees into your soul and goes, hmm, you know, you're a little bit this or that. This process that seems to take about minimum six minutes per student, there has to be a better way. They're doing this for every new student that's coming through in this one ceremony.

Get a second hat. What do you think? Is this good gear? No, I couldn't even make myself listen to half of that, to be honest. I like the idea that I write a bunch of harry potter themed stand-up and i can't rely on any stand-up audience being that au fait with the harry potter world so i'm so i start busking out the front of the play you know there's like that that when it comes back the harry potter play that's in two parts it's like the princess theater in melbourne so you go in its interval and i'm

just standing on a soapbox out the front doing 15 of Harry Potter gear that I've written to the real heads. You know what I like the idea of is that, you know, comedy is all about relatability and you're coming out there and, you know, you're going, you know, when you're on the plane and they give you the food that this happens and whatever. I would like to see you do five minutes where it's all relatable stuff, but it's all reliant on tropes and things that aren't true. Yeah, right, right.

But not like crazy out there, like surreal things. Right. Just stuff where it's like... Something that's happened, like, so the conceit would be me up there on stage thinking this thing has happened to me once, and I'm assuming that that's happened to... Well, not even that. You know when you're on a plane and the captain sucks your dick?

This is like the one flight I've ever gotten, I got sucked off by the captain mid-flight. But not even that. Just like, you know when you're on a flight, and then they give you... You're sitting in your seat, and someone comes up to you and, you know, they give you a TV that just sits in your lap. You know how every seat, you know when you're on the flight and every seat has an Apple G3 in the back of the seat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, I wanted the blue one. Yeah, just a thing that's very not true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not some sort of absolutely crazy surreal. Right, right. Just something where you can watch the audience go, that's not a thing. Yeah, I mean, all of it would bomb.

Because you would have seen this plenty of times where someone gets up there and they're doing a new bit with something that they think is relatable and common. Yeah. And then they come off and they're like, I don't get why that didn't work. And other people have to go, no one knows what you're talking about. Like that's not a thing. That doesn't happen to anyone.

I know, but I really, I would like to see you do it where it's like, it's a real Seinfeld stuff where it's like, you know, don't you hate it when you go to your family reunion and then, you know, you get there and your mum, like every Christmas, she's always like, you can't have any roast beef. You can't have any turkey.

You can only have potato salad. It's been like that for 30 years. We all go through that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all go through that. Why are mums so obsessed with potato salad? Why can't any of them once let us have one bit of beef? And you just watch people go, what's happening?

Yeah, and you're doing it in a way where you think people are going to start like kind of talking along with you. People are just going to be shit. This guy gets it. Yeah, you're like, you come through the door and, of course, folks, what's the first thing that happens? Mum's at you. No more roast beef.

You can only have the potato salad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Every, and it's just bewildering. And of course you can't have the beef because they give you that. He said, yeah.

Potato salad. This guy. This guy. Yeah. Yeah. We all said it at once just then, didn't we? Man, this sounds like a lot of fun. Maybe.

I mean, I haven't done a gig back yet since, since like May. And maybe I love the idea of this just being my first one back. I mean, I haven't done a gig back yet since like May. And maybe, I love the idea of this just being my first one back. I mean, why not? Maybe this in a weird way does go really well for me. I mean, I'm so, I think this is like very common for like everyone just getting back into doing gigs in Melbourne. It's like most people are so rusty that there's a big potential that you're going to do pretty badly anyway. With stuff that you think is tried and tested that's your old gear. You're basically starting from scratch one way or the other. So why not just take that weird artistic turn that you've always been too scared to do?

Well, not only that. Why not? If you get up, you haven't done a gig for nine months, whatever it is, and you go, you know what, I'm going to bomb. Get up there with this gear that's really funny, I think, has has always worked but you can't perform to too many people at the moment in the same room i'm gonna be putting up my babies just to be absolutely right right so you know what i i've i've decided my heart i'm gonna bomb anyway so why not get up there and bomb with stuff that makes fucking no sense and i don't care about yeah. Yeah, just to get used to words coming out again.

Just to get the rust out. Just to sort of tread water for a little bit. You know, you're treading water. No one's winning a gold medal for that. Yeah. Who cares? You're just keeping afloat in the pool. It's about survival.

You're stretching. Yeah. Yeah. You're not winning any gold medals for stretching. But I like the idea if I do it with enough gusto and like I wear a suit, and maybe the interesting thing, it would actually be a very interesting experiment to see, maybe the odd person in the room would get fooled.

If there's enough bravado and if I'm dressed really nicely, it's like, man, this guy really looks and sounds the part. I really don't understand any of the stuff he's saying. It might be like that thing where you're growing up and you're learning about America and you're going, oh, yeah, Richard Nixon. Yeah, sure. I guess that's funny because I'm learning through how these Americans keep talking about him.

I get it. I know who that guy is now. You just start teaching. There's a bunch of kids, young guys coming to watch comedy that night and they just walk away going, this potato salad thing at Christmas. They start learning about Christmas through you. Exactly. Well, what would be interesting would be,

like, you know how the mob, basically, the way that it's written about in The Godfather, wasn't based on anything. He kind of made that up. Right. And now the mob kind of behave,

they're basing themselves on this thing that was like, completely made up. Right. So, if I somehow influenced culture to a point where that legitimately did become a thing at Christmas, the great Christmas tradition where mum's going, no roast beef, only potato salad in generations to come,

I completely changed the landscape of an entire holiday, that would be something truly remarkable to aim for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. Let's change Christmas through your stand-up. Let's change Christmas through bad comedy. To six people. Thanks, Daniel Cos-Gryffindor. Thanks, Danny.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Glenn Redmond. Yay or nay? Yay. Oh, that's good. I quite like it. Okay. You don't hear about too many Glens? I'd like to think they bred them out.

I think of a, yeah, it's very, it feels like one of those older names that hasn't had its renaissance yet. It hasn't come back around yet to be like a trendy younger name. I'm fine with Redmond. Redmond I quite like. Yeah yeah it's interesting yeah glenn glenn's i'm just i just i can't yeah there's no what's the issue it's just to me it's a name that you go uh it's gonna take a it's gonna take a fair few famous cool glens to get gl Glenn back from a bit of a daggy shit name, I reckon. Yeah, who's the coolest Glenn? I don't think there is one.

Probably in this country would be like Glenn Robbins, right? And that's not saying great deal. No, I'm saying cool, you know, by default. He's like fucking Bradbury-ing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's saying the coolest guy. Yeah. Glenn Robbins. No, we're saying theing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one's saying the coolest guy. Yeah. Glenn Robbins.

No, we're saying the coolest Glenn. Yeah, yeah. Which is, you know, the nicest house on the shittest street, right? Yes, yes, absolutely. No, there's no... There's no need. There's no need for it. Yeah, there's...

Let's call time on Glenn. How old do you reckon this guy is? I'm reckoning like 45. No, I don't. I think, I'm thinking, like everyone that listens to this show, early 30s for some reason.

Okay. I feel like, I feel like everyone that listens to this show is early 30s. And whenever someone pops up that's a new listener that's like 19, I'm like, that's weird. That is weird. Yeah, I just,

I mean, early 30s would make him, you know, my age, my generation. And I just can't, I just, I mean, early 30s would make him, you know, my age, my generation. And I just can't, I can't imagine ever, I can't imagine there being someone of my generation that was called Glenn. I cannot see it. Maybe, yeah, 10 years, 10, 15 years before, I could imagine it.

You would have known some Glens. Yes. Maybe at school. Absolutely. See, by the time you get to My year Yeah It's out It's completely gone

I mean it just like There's so many names out there Why would you settle for Glen? You can I mean that's You know what People make jokes about how There's all these weird names out there

People call themselves Fucking Skyrocket And you know Battle Station or whatever. That's why. Because of Glenn. Because of Glenn. Because back in the old days, there was 20 names.

One of them was Glenn. It was like, we need some more names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a slim selection. If you're absolutely considering Glenn as the name of a person, of a baby. Do you think it's... Baby Glenn. Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that in this country,

it's a, I assume only in this country, very popular brand of air spray for, you know, when you've dropped a big turd, you're bringing out the Glenn 20. Do you think maybe that's why it went out of vogue? It's like, I might as well call my son Toilet Duck. Yeah, that's not bad. But is Glenn 20 Australian? Well, we have it here, but I don't know for a fact whether it is or not. I just thought I should give a bit of backstory just in case it is.

I reckon maybe it is. It does seem like a very Australian thing. I always thought it was American, but it's not coming up on any American sites. Why is it called that? I have no idea. What's the 20 all about? It doesn't even have a Wikipedia page that I can figure out why it's called that. Glenn 20.

Now, this could be some good, unrelatable stand-up for me. Yes. As we all know, the origin of Glenn 20 is because... Yeah, but people don't know. But if it's a tidbit, it'd be like people going, oh, I don't know. They'll go. I actually didn't know that.

I like the idea that the audience know the answer to whatever you're talking about. So they're literally, as they're listening to you, they're going, they're fighting within themselves

going, this is not right. Right, right. If you're telling the history of Glenn 20, they could be going, okay, fair enough. I actually didn't know that. Yeah, okay.

So maybe it's a misuse of Glenn 20, as we all know. You get the Glenn 20, they could be going, okay. I actually didn't know that. Fair enough. Yeah. Yeah, okay. So maybe it's a misuse of Glenn 20. As we all know, you get the Glenn 20. Well, I think more likely is like, you know when you pick up the Ben 20 to like. Yeah, yeah, okay. To use in the bathroom. Well, no, I get. Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, using the Ben 20. The Ben 20. Because then the audience are going to be going, is he saying Ben? That's very funny. Getting a brand name. Yeah. Slightly wrong. Yes. wrong constantly in your set is very good. And also, especially if you use it as a punchline. So like you're talking about it, you know, oh, this one time, you know,

one time I brought some over to England and I was like, I did a big turd in the toilet. And I was like, it was so, it was massive. It was a massive turd. And I was in London. So you know what? I had to use the Big Ben 20. I like how many running ideas for threads on the show at the moment are, imagine if you were bad at comedy in this different way.

It's like I'm just about to retire the bad impressionist and now all of a sudden I've got to be the bad observationist. Yeah, it's pretty good. It is pretty good. Is it a challenge how long I can do this before someone in the audience is driven absolutely insane and guns me down

on the side of the video and is like, all of that was wrong. None of that happened. Yeah. I just, I really want to see someone come up to you

at the end of the gig with notes and go, this is what you got wrong. Yeah, that would be, you already quite commonly get at gigs, you know, there's some smartass who's like, oh, you were saying this and it, you know, you should have said da, da, da, da. Imagine that.

Imagine the fucking know-it-all guy who comes up to you. But the funny thing would be picking apart the Glenn 20 thing, but then everything else has gone under his radar. You would get people that haven't worked out that the rest of it is bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, okay. That's pretty great. Sorry, but that has actually tickled me.

The idea of talking about Ben 20 and just it brewing within the audience of going, I think he's saying Ben. Why is he saying it's Glenn? Why is he saying Ben? And then the whole time you're going, yeah, Ben 20. And then I went to England. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I had a dodgy curry there.

And I'm like, oh, my God. And I dropped it in the dunny and it was massive. It was so, sunk so bad. I had to use the. You know it, folks. No, but again, it's got to be a bit wrong. Huge Ben 20. Oh, my God.

Yeah. That's good. We're not far off me being able to just run a comedy show where I'm all the act. Eddie Murphy style, just the bad impressionist opening for the bad observationalist. Yeah, but you can't be Bill the Bad. No, I know. Yeah. Maybe I just use my – maybe that be Bill the Bad. No, I know. It's, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I just use my, maybe that's Thomas Alsop.

I just start again. Slightly. I start all over again. Slightly different. Slightly different. No, just, I like the idea of like some podcasters not hearing this episode, then seeing you, and they see you come out and you're Bill as Thomas Alsop. Yep.

And they're like, oh, okay. Yep. And then they see you do this bad comedy that doesn't make any sense and just for a second they think have i gone back in time 15 years to before he changed his name tommy dasso and this is how bad he was to start right right i also like the idea that maybe this goes really well you know maybe people are into right maybe people get it and they're just into the absurdity of it, right? And then I'm hitting you up for gigs and you're like,

who am I getting though? Who's asking? Well, you know, I don't even want to, I don't even ask that. I say, is your gear about Glenn 20 or about Ben 20? Yeah, well, the difference is when I'm Thomas Allsop, I'm wearing the suit. So you're like, I turn out,

you book me. Cause it's like Thomas Alsop's been killing. So then when I ask you for gigs, you just assume it's for Thomas Alsop. All of a sudden I'm turning up to, I'm turning up to Spleen. No suit. There's no suit bag.

And you're like, you're freaking out. You're like, where's the suit? And you're like, Oh no, I'm just, I'm just doing me tonight.

I'm being me tonight. You're panicking. You're like, how's the suit? And you're like, oh, no, I'm just doing me tonight. I'm being me tonight. You're panicking. You're like, how quickly can you get home and get a suit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm sorry, but I'm going to need to see Dasolo do a few more sets around town at some open mics before I'll put him on here again. Yeah. Thanks, Glenn Redmond.

Thanks, Glenn Redmond. Looking forward to that in the future. All right. Man, I'm so fucking Looking forward to that in the future. Alright. Oh, man. I'm so fucking tired. I've got to go home. Let's just do one more. Yep.

Alright. Last one. Yep. Thanks to Patreon subscriber. Last one for this week. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Last one for this week. Okay. Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Big Glenn Comedy. Okay, Big Glenn. Yeah. That's the giant air freshener thing in London. The giant comedy. The giant comedy freshener.

The giant comedy freshener. Which is ironically what you were doing to your comedy just before. You're freshening it up. Freshening it up. Yep. Yep.

Smells pretty good. Alright. Thanks everyone for supportinging it up. Freshening it up. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Smells pretty good. All right. Thanks, everyone, for supporting the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon. Head to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Sign up. Get the bonus episodes. Thanks very much for listening,

and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.