The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 531 - Nick Capper & Alex Ward

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

It's the return of NICK CAPPER and the debut of ALEX WARD! Karl’s been betrayed by Thai food and Capper's fashion choices get a good grilling before Wardy lifts the lid on what it's really like living with Nick Capper. We also hear about Capper travelling through Peru, and Karl has hit a bit of a speed bump on the road to his Summer of Ice-Creams.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick Capper and Alex Ward. We will be in at the end of the show to talk to you about all the things we have going on in Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this great new episode with Nick Capper and Alex Ward. World's greatest fart form Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week Thank you very much for joining us My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always The other half of the program, Carl Chandler

Comedy's here, Can I do this? Oh, he's extending the catchphrase. How do you feel? Is that going to be back for another week next week? Maybe. I didn't mind the feel of it. See how it goes on the socials. See what the people think.

See what the response is. I'm thinking we've got to get something new for T-shirts. So, you know, why not that? Knock, knock. Comedy's here. So it's a picture of a door and then that speech bubble kind of coming from the other side of the door. And then there's some sort of glob

that represents comedy and it's saying comedy's here. And on the back it says come in but see you out. Yeah, okay, alright, let's welcome our guests in. Please welcome Nick Capper and Alex Ward. Yes. Now a glob that represents comedy,

would it be a floating blob with Groucho Marx glasses on? Shall we just say this? Dumb Numb Club virgin Alex Ward and general virgin Nick Capper. Very nice. Very, very nice. Like I said, comedy's here. Yep, you pushed the time of this back and now I know why. I've only done a ferret rub, that's it.

Didn't they call it a ferret rub? You know when you used to rub genitals? No. Were you rubbing on a ferret? No, it was called a ferret rub. So you just like dry rooted? Yeah, if you like dry humped or whatever you go. I didn't get laid I got a

ferret that's how I have all my sex yeah that's that's all that's it I'm talking to

an experienced rubber here that's actually is a metaphor but like you grew up in a town of like 500 in the bush

like that doesn't appear to be a metaphor to me yeah it's probably just you trying to suck off a squirrel. Yeah, well, we didn't have ferrets. We had koalas, but no.

No, I reckon it's one guy in the town that was trying to confess to having fucked a ferret. He's like, yeah, did the old ferret rub last night? Everyone's like, oh, you mean this is like a metaphor for dry humping? And he's like, yeah. Yeah, sure. Then he's trapped in a lie and he's given birth to one. And that guy was like, ah, sure. Sure it was.

Then Kappa goes out and gives Koala his chlamydia. Yes. Patience zero. Patience zero. Patience zero is here. I can't have sex with a koala with a condom on. It doesn't feel as good. Sorry, guys.

First kid to jerk off to Totally Wild. Look, having said that, we have all noticed you've walked in with a jacket on that is perhaps three to four times too small for you. It is so small. Like, it's the first thing I noticed when you walked in. It looks like it might be stuck on you. Well, I...

You know what it looks like? It looks like one of those Matador jackets. Yes. You've got no mobility. You walk in with a Danish that you were almost having trouble getting your arms up to your mouth to eat it. I was. And you've got a really dodgy sounding t-shirt on that we're not allowed to talk about.

Yeah. Well, my t-shirt has my... T-shirt has the company I'm working for at the moment. It has to do with children. It's got children in the name, and I thought, well. It makes it look like you've come from after school care, where you go and you took one of their jackets. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's his school uniform. Yeah, with your T-shirt that says Robert Kelly's Angels on it. Mummy, one of the instructors took my jacket. No, it's mine. So let me get this straight. So you had this weird dodgy sounding T-shirt on and you thought, I've got to cover this up by putting on something more fucked.

Yeah, no, that's what I thought. I thought, I'll put something on. Usually we have eight kilos worth of clothes in our car and I've just got a little wardrobe. We all measure clothes by the kilo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the way

I do it at Kmart. Well, you know what you do? You drive your car onto scales and then you take all the clothes out of the car and then you weigh it again.

That's how you measure how many clothes you have on. You get nude in the driver's seat and you go, oh, that's what I was wearing.

Okay. That's why the guys at the weigh bridge always look at me funny. And Akelo sounds like a lot, but it's even more when you realise how small all those clothes are. Yeah, yeah, right. That's a lot of different items.

It's triple the amount. I do not keep children's clothes in my bath. I keep my clothes. That's a lot of children's lingerie. Yeah, children's lingerie. Oh, man, this job isn't going to last long anyway. What do you mean, comedy? What do you think would happen if you turned up to Target

and just said to them, excuse me, where's the children's lingerie section? Just a single man. Just like, no, not the sexy lingerie. I'm not a single man. Just like, no, not the sexy lingerie. I'm not a weirdo. Just regular, plain, lacy lingerie for a seven-year-old. Just a confidence booster. Just for a special occasion.

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, you're wearing your girlfriend's jacket. It's like a fur-lined denim jacket. It is the first day of summer on the day that we're recording this. It's a beautiful 23 degrees outside, pretty warm. Carl's in shorts. I've got Speedos on. It's warm.

The most thing about this is I thought, I will dodge a bullet. I will dodge a bullet by covering the name of this company up and therefore avoiding a lot of pedophilia jokes. Instead I'll dodge a bullet by jumping in on this. He said you're terrible at pedophilia jokes. You kind of dressed like a pedophile. I'll dodge a bullet by buying my own gun and shooting myself.

You can't argue. That first bullet didn't hit me because my crumpled body was dead on the ground. In order to avoid the bullet I have therefore pasted a bigger target upon myself. I wish people could see you. You look great. No, you look beautiful.

Get a photo. I'm a cool matador. I ride a skateboard and shit. Have a robot bull instead of like a real bull. What would you dodge instead of bulls then in your current, like parents, I guess? Yeah. The tax office? Yeah.

Fair work, Tribunal. That would look sick. A guy in the ring and he's just holding a big, big, instead of the sheet, he's just holding a big, big printout of just his tax return. He's just absolutely taking the piss, just claiming everything. And someone from the ATO just coming out to charge him

to get a closer look at all these bogus expenses. Yeah, and it's like, you can't charge a matador outfit when you're just wearing your girlfriend's jacket. You didn't fucking buy that yourself. 42 cartons of Bacardi breezes. Don't think so, mate. It's probably tax deductible for comedy now that you're wearing it right now. Yeah.

So you can charge it. Yeah. You should wear all your clothes. We'll have a picture of this on the socials and you can just hand that into H&R Block. I had a tax account once. One week ago. And someone recommended me to him in Sydney and I was like, okay, cool, I'll go in, see if this guy's good or not. I walked in.

He's got to know more than you, though, right? Can you get me any money back on the $5,000 I earned this year? I took in an abacus, said, can you work one of these, buddy? What is this? Yeah, okay, you passed. I like that you and this guy have to be recommended to each other like he's a drug dealer. Like, you can just look up an accountant and turn up.

You don't have to have a referee to get an accountant. But also, what were you looking for? Well, I was looking for a few things. Well, I found that when I walked in there. Have you ever managed any homeless people? Yeah. I walked in. Now, when you go for a tax accountant you don't want anyone cool okay because they're distracted all right yeah this guy very boring man yeah okay when he spoke i wanted to fall asleep right okay like i was like this guy's fucked right

by process of elimination he must be. He's only concentrating on numbers. Yes, and the best thing ever was he had not one picture in his office. White walls except for one poster stuck to the wall of a waterfall that I reckon was at least 30 years old. Okay. Then you go, holy shit, this guy's a genius. And he was. He was fucking great. And I remember I was just getting into comedy then, Then you go, holy shit, this guy is a genius. And he was.

He was fucking great. And I remember I was just getting into comedy then, just kind of making the same money I'm doing now. Yeah, you got him. Yes, yes. It was good, yeah. Oh, man. Pretty easy. It's actually been eight months, Tommy, all right?

You can have your back, Cap. I've been going for a long time here eight months to have my nights back. Yeah, and anyway, he was great. But I said to him, oh, yeah, I'm just starting to get into comedy. Is there any expenses I can guarantee or whatever? And he's like, you have no invoices for comedy. That's such a funny move. They didn't even go, oh, you do comedy?

That's great. None of that. You have no invoices. I was like, fuck, welcome to showbiz. Love that. Done two open mics, coming in hot to H&R Block, just like, gimme, gimme, gimme. I want to buy a flat screen.

I've done 10 consecutive minutes Of comedy in my career Is bombing tax deductible? I provide a contrast For the other acts I'm the cooler You're the straight man

Yeah yeah exactly Every gig needs a straight man And I haven't purposely Filled that But it's kind of my role Wardy first time on the show Thank you for coming And being on I haven't purposely filled that, but it's kind of my role. Wardy, first time on the show. Thank you for coming and being on.

Good to finally have you on. I'm very sorry. We now have to quickly veer into what is something of a running segment on this show. What's going on with Carl's anus? There's been, from what I understand, a bit of... Is running segment a pun? Yeah. I think today it is. I've been betrayed.

I'm... Yeah, I'm not in great shape at the moment. I've... Yeah, you look like shit. Yeah. Thanks, man. Yeah, gotcha, mate. Gotcha.

Thought I'd roll in there quick. We're about even at the moment now. Yeah. I look like shit. You just.... We're about even at the moment. I look like shit. You're dressed up like shit. Yeah, you don't look good, Carl. You do not look good. I've been crook.

I've been crook. Oh, yeah? And you know what the worst thing is? Why I've been so crook is it's from eating Thai food the other night. I was about to say, do you have a barley belly? You just went there too many times. How dare you? How dare you?

It kicked in now. Two different things. He's got Hawthorne Shopping Centre belly. No, you know what? You know what it is? I'll tell you what. I won't name the shop because, you know, look, everyone has a bad day.

They've wronged you. Maybe. Everyone has a bad day. Yeah. Make a man violently ill for a long period of time. Well, you know what? This is partly your fault. This is partly your fault. This is partly your fault.

Here we go. Partly your fault. He feels nauseous looking at you. I told you, don't come to my restaurant. It's not a restaurant. This is what happened.

Now, you live with two other people, both of whom you met at the Coast of New York International Podcast Festival. Yes, yes. This is how you make friends.

You come to our podcast festival and you have sex with both of them.. You come to our podcast festival. Yes. And you have sex with both of them. No, one of them, sorry. Yep. Your girlfriend. That's debatable. You meet your friends via this podcast and they're so mean to you.

Yeah, when you put it like that. That's my special scheme. I let them be mean to me, I get friends. Exactly. He gets the sympathy. Yeah, he gets the sympathy for us. Yeah, exactly. I feel like having Waddy here is like having an audit on this of just how fucked we really are.

Like just hearing her put it in those terms, I was like, yeah, this is no good. What are we doing here? So one of your housemates, not your girlfriend, recommended to me, sent me a picture of, Josh, your housemate, sent a picture of this beautiful looking Thai meal and I was like, oh, wow, where's this from? He sends me the address

and I'm like, you know what, I'm going there. I'm going there tonight. So I went there and it was like my dream come true in terms of, I walk in and it's this place

that I've always driven past. I always thought, you know, one day I should go in there. I went in there and it's a fucking shithole which I love it's true time like a real good

plastic tables like those vinyl stuff bit of like plastic tablecloth for sure they don't quite have that fake

wood you know bamboo tables but it's very close I like the paper I love the paper on a table that's very

Italian restaurant I reckon with the crayons yeah what it signifies is just like we can't be fucked doing any washing up I love the paper. I love the paper on a table. That's very Italian restaurant, I reckon. Yeah, it's just... With the crayons. Yeah, what it signifies is just like, we can't be fucked doing any washing up. We're just going to bundle this up and chuck it in the bin when you leave. It's so great.

I don't know why you don't have them in your house. Just a heap of tablecloths. I can't believe you don't have them in your house. Cardboard couch. Ah, well, in the bin. You just throw them in the car when you're done Our couch is fucked At the moment

It's so Just from lockdown It's just It was such a beautiful couch Oh really Just from sitting in it Every day It's fucked

It's totally ruined Strawberry Danish Has fallen all over the place Who could have foreseen When they made that couch That people would be sitting on it Yeah that's a brutal review Yeah

Just eight months Every day Right Just sweating Yeah sure It was winter during lockdown scene when they made that couch that people would be sitting on. Yeah, that's a brutal review for the couch. Yeah, just eight months every day. Just sweating. It was winter during lockdown. His body's all out of sorts. So I went there. It's a real shit hole. I'm like, I love this.

It looks like, you know, when I go to a fancy Thai restaurant, I don't trust it. I'm like, no, no, no. They have these Thai fusion places. No, that just means $25 for a restaurant, I don't trust it. I'm like, no, no, no, no. Like they have these Thai fusion places. No, that just means 25 bucks for a main. Yes. I get into this place. It's a shithole.

And I look at the menu, $12 mains. Yep. There's an $8 lunchbox. Mm-hmm. Incredible. I've never seen an $8 lunchbox. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen food anywhere for $8 in this city. Not even like a school canteen with actual lunch boxes. I'm starting to kind of put the pieces together why you might have been sick. Well, I didn't. I got too excited by the genuine Thai experience. The desserts were $5. Okay.

The beers were $4. What? I was like Chang and Singer were $4. I was already formulating a plan going, I'm going to get all the boys together. We're going to come down here for recreation, the Coastal Million International Podcast Festival in this restaurant in Paran, in Richmond.

Richmond? Yeah, in Richmond. You should be an accountant. You really do have an accountant's mind. You're sitting through immediately. Before I've even worked out how hungry I am, I'm doing an inventory. What's everything on

the menu cost? I'm committing that to menu. He also has no pictures in his house. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

Yes. Like my accountant had more pictures. I've got two now. One of them's a waterfall. One of them's a photo of the meal that you

had on Friday night. Never forget. One of them's a Jackson Pollock I conjured up this morning. So, yeah, got a curry, got the rice, got an entree too, and was like, this is the absolute best. And then I got up and paid for it all and really got an insight into how badly the place was put together. Like, went to pay, and there's just...

I've never seen a shop like it in this day and age. Just shit everywhere. Like, it was plastic bags and fucking manila folders and everything. Like, nothing's been clad up in any way. Manila folders? What are they doing? Hell yeah. Like, why do you need manila folders in a Thai restaurant?

Making an assassination attempt. They just lay out manila folders on the table. Yeah. It was so grubby, but I'm planning an assassination attempt. They just lay out manila folders on the table. Yeah. It was so grubby but I'm still thinking. Oh, cool. This is quaint. Yeah.

A manila folder. Yeah. A ring binder. Hell yeah. They're organised. Remember you had to get a plastic sleeve and you get the folder.

It was always exciting. Yeah. But mine would always turn to shit. I'd always start putting other stuff in there like pencils and pens until it was just a case full of stuff. Buy a pencil case.

I know, but I just couldn't be bothered. So I just started shoving them in a pocket. They're in the same shop. Just get a pencil case while you're there. Yeah, you've got to carry another thing. God, it's a beautiful mind. It really, truly is a beautiful mind. Why not just stuff everything in a manila folder?

Yeah. How do you even... Manila folders aren't even like... You can't even do them up. They're just a bit of cardboard folded in half. How do you keep a pen in there? Oh, shit. What are you thinking of?

I had this confused. Yeah. The plastic sleeve folder. You're thinking of a suitcase or something. No, no. I'm thinking of the plastic sleeve folder you used to put assignments in. Oh, right. Oh, like with the button on it.

Yeah, yeah. The one... The ring binder. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The ring binder folder where you can just put the, you know, once you put your best drawings and shit. Okay, right. That's still absurd behavior that you're engaging in.

Yeah, I know, but it's another less thing you have to carry. I'm so glad we veered off the main story. And this stationery. Kappa trying to remember what different stationery is called. If only they could get one of those. We got Protractor. We got Ruler. What else have we got? I would never put a Protractor in one.

No way. No. Pointing hands. Manila folder, though. Thanks, KKK. Kiki K Kappa. Fucking hell. Kiki K Kappa.

Were you even allowed a Protractor? I feel like the teachers are the ladies. I was actually in the KKK. Cool Kids Club. Hell yeah. That's what's on your T-shirt. That's why you went to cover it up. Because it says KKK on it.

Yeah, business is not too good. I'm not a racist. I'm a pedophile, I swear. It's not the hate group. It's the other KKK. Perfect defense. We don't hate people. In In fact we love them too much You could say

Look I stole your kid's jacket But I would have stolen A kid from any culture's jacket I'm diverse Children of all races We don't mind Sorry man In fact I prefer them coloured

Is that a crime? Maybe So anyway look Next day Was not feeling good all day Sorry, man. In fact, I prefer them coloured. Is that a crime? Maybe. So anyway, look, next day, was not feeling good all day. Thought I had the flu. Gets to night time. I am absolutely on the toilet all night this morning. When you got the flu kind of symptoms, because we are at this point in Victoria,

30 days without a COVID case, and no one, imagine being the first one. I definitely thought it. Oh, no. I might be the one guy that has to sit in his house in the whole country. Would you have told anyone? Would you have told them?

Or would you have just hidden at home for two weeks? Yeah, I think I might. I might just go, oh, no, I'm working on a new project or something. I just sat at home for two weeks. I don't know. Tommy, we've got to do the pod over Zoom. Yeah or something. I just sat at home for two weeks. I don't know. Tommy, we've got to do the pod over Zoom. Yeah.

Yeah, I've booked Wardy and Kappa. They can't. Yeah. You know, they've got to do it over Zoom. They made an exemption. I'm in Thailand, actually. Just get the Zoom background. I'm still worried you have it and I'm sitting here.

Well, I thought I'd... It's a new strain that makes you shit yourself for two days at the start. You're the only one who gets that strain in all of Australia. When I did start, you know, heavily squirting, I thought, well, that's one good thing. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's, but it's just, just the thought, because it took me a full day. I thought it was like the flu.

It's like once I started getting that toilet action, I'm like, yes, Thai food has betrayed me. It feels like, it feels like my, it feels like my wife cheated on me or something. It feels like my mum's stolen from me or something. Thai food's fucking let me down. Man, at these prices, though, I'm still willing to roll the dice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll go in. $8?

Jesus Christ. $8 for a lunchbox, absolutely. At least you lose weight if it goes wrong. Even cheaper if you can't eat for a few days. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. That's it. I definitely will save on Thai food for the next probably month now

because I won't be eating it for quite a while. Maybe you could be my account water. Me? Yeah. Fine. I'll just take your money. Because when you said to me over the weekend, Carl, I had Thai food and it made me squirt,

I just thought our business as usual. Yeah. He's in heaven. I didn't realise what we were talking about. I didn't realise the full extent. This is something I did on the weekend as well, food related. I had to have time to fit anything else in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just on the dummy non-stop. We had two bouts of diarrhea. That was... A double dose. It's a wild weekend. That was Sunday night. I had to tie through. So I was talking on the show lately about,

I was thinking about making my ice cream summer. Like I'm really, I haven't had that many ice creams for a long time. I'm thinking, you know what? I keep going through the freezer aisle of the supermarket. There's a lot of good looking ice creams out there at the moment. They're really picking up their game, I reckon. Can I ask, are we talking like punnets or are we talking sticks? We're talking boxes of eight sticks, right?

Exactly. Oh, yeah, because you were buying them. And one time you bought like a whole box and you said, hey, man, I've got way too many paddle pops. You know lots of children. And I'm like, oh, man, I'm not there at the moment. Just drop whatever you've got. It's paddle pops.

I can't drop them off. I've got to... Exactly. These are the kind of calls I get for being Carl's friend. You're living your life at the moment like Kevin McAllister in Home Alone. Just like, no parents around. I can have as much ice cream as I want. Just going to eat them all in the car.

Also, that's how I think of Capra. I'm like, he could do with some free ice cream. He's the Salvation Army of dessert. It was so funny the other day because one time I get a message out of the blue from both of you. Hey, guys, buying some pies from Kyneton. Yes. I had no hunger for pies. I had no desire to get a pie.

And Brady's like, yeah, I'll get some pies. Rip Lake. And then you put some yeah you put some pressure on me he said come on get a pie i got the pies and then i said to brett i still haven't paid you for them tommy yep that was coming for someone who didn't want the pies you then ordered the most pies out of any of us i haven't paid you back for them yet i wanted to be brett ordered like six so i was like all all right, I'll order eight. I'll get him real good.

Yeah, and then you were abusing me after, oh, you organise these pies and you don't even buy 50 pies. It's like, when was the plan

to buy as many pies as we could? Yeah, were you getting them from Kyneton? Why would you buy like four pies? How are the pies

getting here from Kyneton? Someone else delivers them. We don't have to worry about having them. Like a delivery guy? Yeah, if we bought four, there was guy you're sending if we bought sending kappa there was four

of us and if we bought four pies each free delivery and so fucking yeah perry pie over here it's fucking perry pie kappa and i used to live together and he

would often come home with an ice cream after i mean multiple nights in the week even in the middle of winter he would can't even text me and be like do you want an ice cream and i don't multiple nights in the week, even in the middle of winter, he would text me and be like, do you want an ice cream? I don't think I said

yes once, but you never stopped asking, which I did appreciate that you loved it so much. You're like, I can't believe she doesn't want it. That's nice. That's good manner. The day that he had come in with an ice cream having not texted you, single tear probably would have rolled down your eye. Of course, but I never thought of it

as a post-gig thing. A little trick. I didn't realise that you did that all the time. A bit of an after-sex cigarette sort of thing. Yeah, but even do it after many pints as well. You'd be like, got to get an ice cream. Yeah, I'd love it. You'd be wasted in London.

Either a Maxi Bon or those Oreo ice creams. That really rubs it in that you knocked back these free ice creams I was giving you. It's a drunk thing. He wants them when he's drunk. I mean, to be honest, I've been broke for like six years. And when I live with Wardo, it was the first time I had some money. So you were stealing from Alex. Ice cream every night.

Doesn't matter if it makes you feel sick. I've never been poorer. I'd never been poorer. So the ice creams after a gig, would it be in any way related to how the gig had gone? Or would it just be like, I'm heading out on the way home from the gig, doesn't matter. It's not a treat.

It's not a consolation. You bomb, you get an icy pole. Yeah. You kill, you get a magnum. I think it must have been a good thing because I was on a particularly good streak back then. I was on a very good streak. The. I was on a very good streak. The number of times I've gone to gigs going, trying to cut down on the drinking,

you know what, if I have a great gig, I'll reward myself with a little beer, right? And then you bomb and you're like, well, I need to drown my sorrows. It's like whatever happens, you're going to find a reason to get the treat. You're still rewarding your brain with a little beer. You're going to find a way to get the treat. A little still rewarding your brain with a little beer. You're going to find a way to get the tree. A little beer.

Yeah, well, I did that with six times the beers plus an ice cream. That is, oh, man, your guts must be a nightmare. That was right before you stopped drinking for a bit. You peaked while you were in that house. You peaked. You'd come home. I'd find chicken wings all over the place the next day. The best thing ever once was when wardo goes look whenever you use the shower the condensation gets in the roof so please just leave the window open i'd forget every time every time i forget

and then i was like fuck i gotta keep i remember. And then I had a shave once, opened the window, and then said to Wardo, I came back, I was like, are you proud of me? I left the window open. She goes, you left hair everywhere. There was hair everywhere and blood. You left hair and blood everywhere. Okay, nice combo.

So I was like, oh, fuck. I think it's because the room before you lived with me you didn't have a window so you just had no part of your brain that was used to opening windows it was exciting i used to sneak into your room and open your window when you were out you know they say having like dogs is like practice children i feel like kappa is a better practice child there's a practice dog. Practice for a dog. Me and the dog got along very well, actually. You learned a lot.

Yeah, sharing chicken wings. I think we did share a chicken wing or two at least. I know, I probably yelled at you again. I was like, don't give the dog chicken wings. Your room was so insane. You'd have so many toys. You'd always come home from the $2 shop with toys, like a 12-year-old boy. You'd be so insane. You'd have so many toys. You'd always come home from the $2 shop with toys. Like a 12-year-old boy, you'd be so excited. Like a dog.

Yeah, once I bought walkie-talkies for us. For you and the dog. No, for me and Water. And it was such a fun game. We don't know why it was so fun. And they worked. They were Spider-Man walkie-talkies. And yeah, I tried them out at a gig once.

Did not go well. And I thought, okay, I will really go try them in the house. How did you try them out? Who did you talk to? Well, what I do... Sorry, that's so bad. One audience member has the other walkie-talkie. Right.

Cap is on stage not talking into the mic. Oh, no. Just doing his gear into the walkie-talkie. No. And then that one audience member has to relay what you've said to the rest of the audience. Man, it's like you know my mind. Is that what happened? No, no.

What I do is I go, oh. There's a lot of Chinese whispers in stand-up comedy. I go, oh, if the joke didn't go well, I go, oh. If. I go, oh, well, sounds like the back of the room aren't hearing what I'm saying. So what I'll do is I'll pass this walkie-talkie down and I'll give it to the guy at the back and then we'll see what happens. Barry's must have been dead by the end of this set.

I think the concept was kind of funny. The problem was it was Spider-Man themed and everyone was just so confused by the Spider-Man element of the walkie-talkie. It was very hard to get the walkie-talkie back after the show. And one time it was funny because I was like, yeah, the Russell Coit thing actually happened. I was like, I told the joke and I was like, is that funny? And then the person didn't answer and I was like,

are these things working? And then the person goes, yes. So how many times do you reckon you did this at gigs? I did it two or three times. One of the times it went real funny, but only because the guy goes, can I tell a joke? And I said, yes. And he goes, what do you say to a black pilot?

And I was like, all right. And I had to run in and grab the walkie-talkie off him. And what sort of ice cream are you treating yourself to after that one? Oh, it was either a Maxi Bon or an Oreo ice cream, or there was a 7-Eleven brand ice cream. I don't mind them, the cheap ones and their sandwiches. Yes. Yeah, it was either one of those.

Three bucks for them? Yeah. He's in his element. I think it was a ritual because one time I was in Sydney and my parents were in Sydney. I went to dinner with them. Then I went and did a gig. And my brother took them to see this live band show.

And then they were driving through Newtown. And then mum goes, you wouldn't believe it. Four hours later, I see you walking down the street by yourself eating an ice cream. Anyway, that wasn't that funny. Living with you, it was like I didn't know that. It was like being with a 12-year-old hoarder, but just not that common I think because hoarding is like a mental illness

that comes on a bit later in life. But somehow you'd go in your room and there was like pig masks and shit on the floor underneath all your stuff. There was a bow and arrow I found under some stuff when you moved out. Oh, yeah, that was funny. Was it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, wasn't your story you told me once your mum was staying with you

or someone was like subletting Kappa's room? Oh, yeah, yeah. And that's when they found that shit. Found the pig mask and all this just like bizarre shit that you've left in there. It made it look like I had some weird sex thing going on in the other room. Yeah, my housemate loves ice creams, also does comedies.

He's got a walkie. He's not here at the moment. Like, you won't meet him. He's not around. He could not make you up. You don't sound real. The reason there's blood in the bathroom is because he cut himself shaving.

Why is this window locked shut? Someone's welded this window closed. Imagine if walkie-talkies were a fetish. I'm going to come. Yeah. Talk dirty to me, but in a very low quality audio sample. After everything, say 10-4. Is that nice on your balls, 10-4?

Breaker, breaker, suck me off. Oink, oink, 10-4. So do you still have any of this stuff or is it all gone? What was the thinking behind the pig mask? What was the grand plan for that? I can't remember. I cannot remember. That was a sex thing.

I wish I had a life where I forgot a pig mask. Yeah. I remember I bought a pig nose once. Okay. And this feels good. Time to try the whole head on. Yeah, yeah. Baby steps. Okay. And you thought this feels good. Time to try the whole head on. Yeah. Yeah.

Baby steps. Yeah. And I got photos done for my show which was called Pork Palace which might have a link to the

pig masks in some ways. Oh yeah. Knowing you probably not. Probably completely unrelated. It's like a long

bow to me. A long bow which I had. Oh yeah. A $2 shop. The funny thing about the bow and arrow was it had an Indian person on it. It was incredibly racist, this thing. He drew it on.

It wasn't racist when he got it. Took me ages. And it had Aboriginal bow and arrow, like the writing, and it spelt Aboriginal wrong. Okay. Yeah, and I thought that was funny. I tried to take a photo of it in the shop, and then the lady said, no photos.

So then I had to buy it. Right, right. Okay, that explains that purchase. But to be honest, I'd already bought two Spider-Man walking corgis. So my shame was kind of up for grabs at that time. You were pretty excited though. You bought those two things and thought, I've got a comedy festival show already.

It was so good. Yeah, that's what I would do sometimes. One time I bought, one time I had writer's block. So I bought a... Head down to Hot Potatoes. Just see what excuse me have you got anything cheaper than the two dollar shop i did that's exactly what i did yeah yeah i have done that before if you're ever like oh it'd be

funny to do something just fucked on stage just go take a walk around one of those thrift stores and then finally oh yeah here's some fucking dumb toy. Yeah, exactly. Kind of funny to dick around with. I just end up with like a broom or something. Yeah. The boringest thing from there. Just sweeping the stage. Get it, folks? I'm the janitor. She hasn't even gotten here yet.

Yeah, but that's your instinct because you've got a house full of shit because he's living with you. You're like, I'll get a broom to clean up after this fuckhead. It was full of adventure. It was an adventurous house You know, Wardo, she's pretty boring And her partner, they're both quite boring Just normal

Not even one too much Jazz it up a bit, you know It's like you, me and Dupree Just this normal couple Trying to live their lives and have a good time And then just this freak living in the spare room Covered in hair and blood We were just boring because we were so busy just keeping the house in order.

Oh, boring. What are you doing over there paying bills? I'm like, okay, Kappa, this is how you dry your clothes properly. He's like, boring. Oh, vanilla Wardy. Please let me help you. With her personal hygiene. It was a fun little game.

I used to harass Wardardo's partner on Twitter because I found she had a Twitter account. So I'd write, like, great tweet or whatever. Nice tits, bitch. Can you not? Learn how to use Twitter, you fucking moron. Answer my walkie-talkie calls. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And one time I wrote her a burn. I was like, that's a sweet burn. And then she wrote, you haven't paid the rent yet. God damn it. Legendary stuff. She could have kept that as a template on picking. Lucky she had no followers. She got out of that one.

No, she's not funny. Except then, that was pretty funny. That is funny. she's not funny. Except then, that was pretty funny. That is funny. She's really funny. She's very, one of those people, she's reminding me of my brother. They sit back, and then when they strike, it's hardcore. All right, let's compliment me on the podcast. Well, she must get it from you.

Thank you. She gets all her best traits from me. I see you sporting this mad ring. That is sick. Oh, yeah. That's a big gold ring. Yeah. I feel like I've been, in lockdown, I got into rings.

I feel like on stage. But you've got that on your wing finger. Yep. I don't want you guys hitting on me. It was like being a woman in comedy. I was like, oh, I'm going to get proposed to three times. You always get proposed to. Fuck, I moved in with you and everything.

I thought the dry run would establish some kind of contact. How could you lead Caparon like that? I tell the boys today, get water on the podcast. Part of my secret plan. I'm going to propose on the podcast. I just thought giving him something to focus on would help him. Something shiny. I open the window.

What more do you want? Let the window open. Cabbage is coming in. What if we kissed in the blood-covered bathroom as a joke? Just as a joke. Just to do something random, you know? Let's pass. Copy that.

He's still wearing my clothes. He's still wearing women's clothes. Yeah, yeah, yeah Roland, he's trying to make me jealous right now That's great Wardy's gay This is how I'll convince her to love me By wearing women's clothing

How about we take I'll trick her He doesn't shave his face He just wears a tiny jacket How about you and I take a shower In this hair-covered shower Breaker, breaker I'm going undercover as a lesbian to fool hair-covered shower. Break a breaker. I'm going undercover as a lesbian to full warding.

Damn it, my plan foiled. I thought, a lot of women do work in childcare, so I'll wear the uniform. And they do wear women's jackets that are too small for them. So, yeah. God damn it. Getting the female Bubba Lo Bill ice cream, just to really seal the deal.

That's what the ice creams are about. Every time, do you want to have a heart? Is there a Mrs Paddle Pop? Want a lady in the tramp, a Maxi Bon? The obvious one would have been Gay Time. Yeah, I didn't want to go in too strong Yeah, obvious to people who know comedy But not to us

So yeah, you've gotten into rings I got into rings Because I didn't have to hold so many microphones Which I think looks ridiculous And now I feel a bit naked without it It's beautiful, it's chunky and gold Thank you It's probably a bit much

Sometimes I just turn around when I get Don't want Oh yeah It's a tough one at the gym I just turn around when I get... Don't want... Oh, yeah. It's a tough one at the gym. You go to the gym and you scratch your ring. So you have to... I often... I'll go there and take it off at the gym,

which makes me look like... I reckon I'm going to fuck after I bench press a few times. That's a hard one, man. Just really getting in the zone and feeling like, you know what, all eyes are on me here. Time to give everyone a bit of a treat. I love knowing that after you said that you glare at people not wearing a mask.

Yeah, yeah. Because now they're like, what is he doing? Confusing sexual glare. I'm pro-mask but anti-ring in the gym. I've also gotten into wearing a little ring in lockdown. I went to Sydney over the weekend and I had this ring on and I think my hand's gotten a little fat in lockdown because I had this ring on and then I could not for the life of me get it off.

Did you swell up on the plane? Yeah, maybe I did. I don't think it's the weight. Because then I got really paranoid coming back home that it was going to set off the security thing and they'd go, yeah, just take that off and chuck it's the weight. Because then I got really paranoid coming back home that it was going to set off the security thing. And they'd go, yeah, just take that off and chuck it in the thing. And I'd have to go, it's stuck on. I can't get it off me.

And then it's like, what happens now? Do they just not let me on the plane? Let me get this 100 millilitres of lube out of my bag. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really grease my whole body up. While I'm here. Legal amount. Imagine doing that going to the airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really grease my whole body up. While I'm here. Oh, yeah. Legal amount.

Imagine doing that, going to the airport. You know, going to that bit where they take all the liquids and stuff out of your bag. You know, you can't go through this point without, you know, giving me those liquids. You just hang out there and go, can I have the liquids that don't go through? Yes. Yes. So what, you've just driven out to the airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Load the car up with fucking fluids and then just drive home.

Kids, we're eating tonight. Well, we're drinking. Yeah, that's not bad. Because what is it? It's anything more than 100 mils, right? Yeah, for international. Yeah, there'd be heaps of like... Heaps of toothpaste, heaps of deodorant.

Bottles of Coke with just like a couple of sips taken out of it. You could get some nice. I've seen people screw up and buy like whiskeys and stuff and not realise they're meant to take them through the customs. You get some nice stuff. You could beg right at that bit at the counter at the airport. Sit there on the ground, have a fucking cardboard sign saying, need liquids of any form.

Right. We'll dance for liquid or whatever. And then you just go there and, like, pretend you're really thirsty the whole time and you get whatever they're going to chuck out of their bag. You should. You haven't been shitting so much. You might need the liquid. Yeah.

You know what? I've been crook all day and I'm thinking, I've got to drink more. So much came out of me. It sounds like that restaurant probably did a bit of dumpster diving at the airport. Oh, yeah. Just waited for all the Thai stuff to get confiscated. Fuck, it broke my heart because I was really enjoying it. Was it good before it did this to you?

Yeah, it was excellent. Was it actually good food? It was excellent. But you know what? Now. Are you going to try again? He's going to shit in my sink. No.

I've got to get a water. It's like an ex-girlfriend now because I'm thinking of how good it tasted. Well, fuck it. Yeah, you know, shit heaves after the pegging. Yeah, that's the thing I miss about all my exes. The taste. Fucking hell. It tasted like Estee Lauder in the back

of a Commodore station wagon at Maryborough Drive. I can still imagine the taste, but the taste is breaking my heart. I know. Yeah, how long do you reckon until you can get back on the horse? Because traditionally, something that's made you really sick, you're out for a very long time. Do you want to know what I ate today?

I ate lunch and that's it today. And this is what I ate. A cheese sandwich and a carrot. Wow. Like untoasted? Like a little kid's sandwich? Exactly. I'm going through detox. Even that's pretty adventurous. Yeah, the cheese elements.

I'm normally just on the saladas. Oh really? If I'm really sick, yeah. Plain toast. Years ago I was travelling around Peru with a girlfriend and we tried to – we said, oh, okay, we'll try the local cuisine and we had sabiti. What else are you going to do? What do you want to do today?

Try the local cuisine. Where are you going? What other food are you going to eat? Day 10, we probably should, I guess. No, no, I think we should go back in the suitcase, get the stuff we brought from home. Get your Tim Tams. Back into the Tupperware. I was tired of noodles.

And I said, come on. Come on, babe. Let's stretch out. No, no, no. It was this local cuisine to that area, which you guys are probably familiar with, ceviche, which is like raw fish that's been seasoned. Oh, ceviche. Ceviche, is it? Yeah. Oh, which is like raw fish that's been seasoned. Oh, sabichi.

Sabichi, is it? Yeah. Whatever. It's been a while. That was pretty close. And we had it and we got violently... You said sabichi. It sounds like you're saying, because it's fish, it's so beachy. Sabichi.

That's like your rhyming slang thing to remember it. I make the joke to the guy. It's sabichi, right? That is so beachy. That's really beachy. Well, this one was extra beachy. That's the best review we've ever had. Yeah, yeah.

And, yeah, we got violently ill, like horribly ill. Fuck, it's bad being overseas and ill as well. What a waste of overseas. That's it. We were watching TV all day, watching Project Runaway. Great show. And I said, come on. Because you were sick or just because that's what you were doing?

Yeah, they wouldn't let us take a TV on the bus, so I was really angry. We watched it and we were like, come on, we've got to get ourselves out. Just get to the next place. That's all we've got to do. And we got on this bus, and it was the shittest bus ever.

Is it one of these buses with chickens and stuff on top? Yeah, I saw all kinds of stuff. One time I saw a bloke trying to put a bag on the bus, and he couldn't get it up there. And I tried to help him. And the bus, like the bag kicked me. And it was like six pigs in this bag. No.

Like to put on the, yeah, yeah. What? Yeah. And I saw a guy once. Six pigs in a bag. Did you have the pig mask on? Like it's a foreign pig. Fucking foreign pig.

Who can help me with this? Turns around. Oh, the pig god is here. I once saw a guy try to get a coffin in the bus, and then they're like, no, put it on top. And you got kicked again? Like, yeah, got kicked again. Oh, we've got a live one here.

Cap is actually just hitchhiking in a hearse. It's like, look at this freak trying to load a coffin into the back of it. Oh, we're in all black. Boring. Come on, you're travelling, mate. You're on holiday, mate. It's boiling. He didn't like my misogynistic joke of saying,

hey, mate, the only way the wife can travel, huh? And he's like, no, it's my grandmother, actually. The only way your grandma can travel, huh? And he's like, no, it's my grandmother actually. The only way your grandma can travel, am I right? It's my son actually. He's dead. Yeah, yeah. No, the bus driver just looked at him and said, no, no, no. And I thought he was going to say, no coffins.

He's like, no, you put the coffins on top. Yeah, on the roof rack. So that guy's surfboard. Some bloke's just eating ceviche off the top of his coffin on the bus. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but we got on this bus and the exhaust was right next to our window. I don't know why the bus exhaust went up. It was on the side of the bus.

They're trying to kill themselves. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking, does this bus drive well? No wonder there's a coffin. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking, does this bus driver... No wonder there's a coffin. That was the last driver. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, we got violently ill from that, from breathing in exhaust fumes for like three hours.

And yeah, we were violently ill and then had spaghetti for the rest of the time. So whenever someone looked at us, like we found one place that sold spaghetti bolognese and when so you just had that one time of hey babe let's try the local cuisine and then it was straight back to spaghetti spaghetti bowl yeah yeah the whole like oh i'm i was eating peruvian cuisine just not sabichi and i had to be honest guys i had a little inkling sabichi a lot can go wrong there. It's raw fish. Raw anything.

Yeah, yeah. Third world country. Yeah. I was like, okay, I can join the dots here. This might not be good. And that was the other bad thing as well because we just... There's something odd

that's called food poisoning as well. Yeah. Like, isn't it just poisoning? Oh, that's true. But it's not intentional. How else do you get poisoned? It's not food poisoning as well. Yeah. Like, isn't it just poisoning? Oh, that's true. But it's not intentional. How else do you get poisoned? It's not intentional poisoning. It's like just laziness.

Check alcohol poisoning. Check out Seinfeld here. What do they call it, poisoning? It's just poisoning. But she just got... We went to Lake Titicaca, Which is like So many good riffs there I thought that was funny We're going to need a few minutes

Lake City Well There was a good joke in that Because Half of it's on Bolivia Half of it's on Peru

And they say Bolivia Bolivia got the caca Peru got the titty Because the beach is nicer That's awesome Did you buy an apron that said that? It's like Aubrey Wodonga

Kaka's a real surf boy I did actually they wouldn't let me wear it so beachy so beachy yeah she's so beachy

real surf can that be your next merchandise me blowing a kiss and a Peruvian flag in the background going so beachy so beachy

just what we so what we sell that as a t-shirt of just you on it. Yes. So Beachy. Yes. Everyone would be horny. If we ever go to Koh Samui again,

that can be your opening line. Yeah. Walk out on stage on the beach. This is, guys, this is, and then the whole crowd goes, So Beachy.

Oh my God. And then everyone shits themselves. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Can't wait to get back. Is that your first trip overseas?

We could do anything Going straight to Koh Samui Yeah Kappa makes a bizarre reference Everyone's violently ill God we've missed this A call back to a little bit on the show That no one really took any action off Nah I'm making it

I'm making it in Sabichi That episode where we talked about How much you were shitting Yeah Famous You're going to have to Narrow it down a bit more If you're going to say that I'm making it in. Sabichi. That episode where we talked about how much you were shitting. Yeah, famous. You're going to have to, you know, narrow it down a bit more. If you're going to say that.

Yeah, okay. It's a pretty regular occurrence. Maybe you could make a playlist and then I'll know every episode where you talk about shitting. I'd say, though, that this is the first instance that I can remember where there's a clear culprit. You know what I mean? When you're shitting in public previously,

it's like you're just out and it happens. This is like, it's lucky that you, with this one, you have someone you can pin it on. I absolutely CSI Hawthorne'd this one. Yeah, I figured it out. Because you eat so much Thai food, do you just, every time you've gotten sick, is it from Thai food? No.

Are you certain? I don't get sick. I reckon I've got a pretty good constitution. So you don't get sick, you're just shitting a lot. Well, those are the times that Tommy's talking about shitting. It's literally, there was a bad little bit in lockdown this year where I was going for a run at night and then having to stop in public and shit somewhere.

And I figured it out. But he wasn't sick. I wasn't. Well, he's sick and in the head. He's doing this on purpose. But I didn't feel sick. Does it count as sick if I didn't feel sick at all? I would just get to a point where I'd go, I need to shit right now.

But I didn't need to go when we left. Yeah, that doesn't count as sick. No, that just is. I was eating too much very high fibre bread. It's poor time management. Ah, right. Terrible time management. Maybe you're running real hard.

No, I figured it out. By the end, I was like, I've got to stop eating this bread. But then I

was like, I love this bread. Are you eating it on the run? No. I figured out

how long it would take between me eating it and me shitting my pants in public. Figured it out.

And so just ate the bread. Getting the timer going. Gotta get it just right. I ate the bread. I started eating the bread a bit later so I wouldn't shit myself on my run. Okay. Instead, I was at home when I was shitting myself. Yes.

It was like the perfect crime. Good boy. It's not really shitting yourself if you're on the toilet, is it? Can't believe you've been a poo jogger during lockdown. Yeah. Except I'm the only one out there proud enough to admit it. You hear about poo joggers and they're never out themselves, but I'm getting on the podcast.

Do you reckon there's CCTV footage of you somewhere? That's the dream. That's the dream that we unearth that one of these days. Oh, that'd be good. That'd be so good. I think there's only one chance of that being true, because I reckon there was only one location where there would be vaguely a chance of a camera.

Burke Street Mall. But this is like true crime things this happens with all the time. The police station. They haven't been able to find this guy who committed all these crimes for like decades. And then it's like years down the line, you know, someone gets an old, oh, these family photos. And here's the guy, right? It's going to be like someone in a car who happened to be, and, you know, they're in the back seat, like, all fucking around,

like, on Instagram stories or whatever. It's like long, long down the line someone's going to uncover you in the background. On an episode of Crime Ploppers? Yeah. There we go. Oh, yeah. Yes.

Good Lord. Do you know where it would be a good place to do it without getting caught? Where? I reckon a camera shop because none of the cameras are on. They're only... Or just a place with no cameras. Yeah, no, but, like, it'd be fun to take... Or just not in a shop.

There's got to be someone working there. How cool would it be to say, I took a dump in a camera shop... And got away with it. None of the cameras are rolling in there. You're proposing you go into Ted's cameras with a fucking sawn off shotgun not even bothering to wear a balaclava

just holding them up asking for money going what are you going to do? Take my photo? None of these are on. We all know that. Yeah none of them are rolling. They still have CTV footage. They're on. The insinuation there is that there's a way that cameras can be sitting there by themselves constantly taking pictures. Yeah, but I think there'd be too much interference from the cameras in the shop for the CCTV to work.

What the fuck are you talking about? Look, when they, you know. I'll show you this camera, but just if you want to take good photos, you've got to make sure to not have it around other cameras. Yeah. No, but there's heaps of cameras. They're like men in public toilets. I can't go if someone else is watching. Also, I've regularly seen cameras on in a camera shop.

It's like someone wants to have a crack. They're showing them all the functions and stuff. But these are CCTV ones. They're not as good. Have you ever been in a CCTV shop? Oh, man, imagine doing a shit in one of them. Oh, yes. Actually, that would feel great.

Yeah, that would be good. Yeah, yeah, I'm with you now. You're looking at the cabinets, and it's like so many of them. Everyone was watching, but no one saw anything. I bet anyone who works in a CCTV shop never has cameras because no one would risk it. See, that's the perfect crime. That's the one where you're so brave. Yeah.

Like, there used to be, what was it, some sort of like postcode bandit or something where they were like driving around and they were on the run and they'd take a picture of themselves out the front of the police station and then just fuck off and then post it or whatever, go check it out. I was at the cop shop and you didn't even know. That's what you're doing there. Yeah, right. You're rubbing their nose in it.

You're taking a shit in a CCTV shop, getting away, covering your face, getting away with it. I wonder if anybody has robbed a CCTV place or stolen something from them. Yeah, surely. But I also think it's like CCTV footage is useless unless it's attached to a built... Like, I know it seems like the perfect crime, but also no one cares about what it's like CCTV footage is useless unless it's attached to a build. Like, I know it seems like the perfect crime,

but also no one cares about what it's capturing while it's in the shot. Right. It's also just pointless. Imagine the only one that's on gets stolen. So he's like, let's review the footage. It's just the inside of a jacket. So if you buy a new TV and it's the one that they've had on the floor,

like that's been on for however long, you'll get a new TV and it's the one that they've had on the floor, like that's been on for however long, you'll get a little bit off it, you know, because it's been, you know, it's sort of worn out. Right, so it's like you walk into the CCTV camera store and you're like just pointing up at the one in the corner, just give me that one, thanks. Knock a little off the top, would you? You know, it's done a few hours already. If you could give me the footage from about ten minutes ago,

chuck that in with it. That would be great. This is a good idea, actually, because I quite like the format of true crime shows, like the editing and the style of them. But then sometimes you watch too many in a row, and it's like they're all about the most gruesome murders and rapes. Sometimes it's like, oh, man, I don't need to see any more of this. I thought you were going to say you're just desensitised. I'm desensitised. I can't

sleep without listening to them. A little bit of both. I have to hear sodomy and I'm like, ah. Sweet switch. Yeah, she made me leave the walkie-talkie on. But we need our own true crime show that's about, you know,

it's stylistically all the same. We're treating it as very serious, but it's about poo joggers and CCTV bandits and people just stealing security cameras from the security... We need to find the bizarre crimes out there where no-one really got hurt, nothing super bad happened. Just trivialities. The Odd Spot true crime show.

Yes, exactly. CSI's Odd Spot. That's good. And you could be the first episode. It'd be cool. It's your face all over it. You wouldn't want to open with poo jogging, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to save it, season finale. Where do you go from there? Next week, it's like someone's stealing Uncle Toby roll-ups. It's like boring. Get back to someone shitting themselves. Yeah, that's right. But should I get back to this? I don't know how much longer we've got of this episode,

so I should get back to this. Brought this up about half an hour ago, the ice creams. So we're talking about you, how I'm into the ice creams at the moment. I'm thinking about the summer of ice creams. And so I got all those Petal Pops, and I tried to give them to you. That time failed. Because that's what i like to do i'll get the like a all the good ice creams i think at the moment are in the in the supermarket and

not in the servos so you have to buy six or eight of them or whatever and i'm always like i don't want to eat six or eight of them i don't want to have them in my freezer because i know what i'm like with anything sweet i'll go cool i'll just eat some of them later and by later i mean in 10 minutes yep like just bang i can't help myself so i'm like no i can't do that so that day i ate like two of those paddle pops and then tried to drive to your house and give them to you so i was looking the other day i did a dry run i was at the supermarket the other day and i was like looking through those not meant a run where you don't shit yourself. Not what I've been having for the last 36 hours. A low fibre run.

I call it a dry jog. Carl coming in the house, his wife going, did you shit yourself on the run? No, I didn't. That's another gold star on the fridge. Well done, Carl. Seven days without accident. I did a recce. Well, I didn't wreck my undies. You're nearly ready to sleep in the big bed, Carl.

You scoped them out, what's there. Yeah, I scoped it out, went through, had a look what they've got on offer down the local thing. Now, what the thing is, I've got in my mind what I think is good and then I think, you know what, I'm going to wait until they're on special because a lot of them are quite expensive. And I don't like the idea of justifying eating one of them and then throwing the rest away if they're really expensive.

So I wait until they come crawling back to me and they're on special. And all of a sudden, so that's what I did the other day. I saw the ones I liked. They had the Buller Murray Street ice creams. And I've been eyeing them off for a little while. Buller is a classic. Buller is very underrated.

Just a tasteful, respectable brand. They're not out there with fucking cartoon shit on the tin. Is that one thing? Buller Murray Street? Yes. Is that one? It's like a sub-brand. Okay.

Yeah. I think Murray Street is like where their first company was or where their first building was. Classic strange. Whatever. In Bullertown. Yeah. Bullertown. Yeah. In Bullet Town. Bullet Town.

Yeah. So I look at that and I go, I'm going to get that one day. It comes on special this week, last week. $5 for four of them. Easy. I'm making money. You'd be stupid not to get this.

Very cheap. Well, exactly. Or what I'm thinking. Were they off? If I eat one of them and chuck the rest away, who cares? It's only a $5 ice cream. That's what you're

paying in a servo for it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what a Magnum costs. It's throwing all these away. Well, I tried to

give them to you. I'd rather be fat and not wasteful. Like wasteful and not fat. Well, we're getting to that. So this is what happens.

Look, I feel the same. Yeah. Because I've put, after I tried to give those ice creams to you that time, I've gone through like two or three same yeah because i've i've put after i tried to give those ice creams to you that time i've gone through like two or three boxes of ice creams where i've just put them in the bin i feel bad yeah so i get the the the bulla uh murray streets i'm with my child at the time got her in the pram got a little blanket in the pram so we're going home from the supermarket it's quite a way we go through this other playground um that's uh we

don't usually go to. I'm like, this is good. This is a treat for her. She doesn't use these slides and swings that often. She's right into that. Also, she starts doing that. I can crack open the box of Buller Murray Streets and see what I think.

While my child's back is turned, I can eat the food that's intended for someone of your age. I don't have to give any to her. And just torment every other child there as well. The man's going to ruin every other parent's night. They're going to go home and be like, I want this ice cream. I saw a man.

Why can't I have one? Yeah, no. But see, the thing is, there's hardly any people in the playground. So I'm like, perfect. So I get there. Blanket jumps out, goes to start playing. I crack open the number one, the first Buller Murray Street ice cream.

Start having it. I have to say, nothing against the good people at Buller. I haven't had one for quite a while. I've always thought Buller were more creamy than the others. Yes, me too. Now this one, I haven't had a Buller for a long time. I thought, you know what? It's pretty much, it's your garden variety ice cream.

They're watering it down a bit. Yeah, I reckon. They're holding back. I reckon. They've fallen in line with the rest of Big Ice Cream. Is it icy? It was just fine. You know what, maybe I built it up in my head.

No, I got some Bulla Mint Choc the other day. Not as good as I remember. No. Okay. Oh, really? Yeah. I don't know what's happened with Bulla. They were standing out, I feel like, as a child. Looks like I might have to go check it out. Yeah. I have to go check this out. Me too? Yeah. I don't know what's happened with Bulla. They were standing out, I feel like, as a child.

Looks like I might have to go check it out. I have to go check this out. Yeah, me too. Straight after this restaurant. A real cheap day. So I have one. It's the Thai food that made me sick. I ate a whole box of ice creams immediately afterwards.

But it must have been the one spring roll that I ate for dinner. No, this was a different day. So I ate the one ice cream and I think, now, I just can't justify eating more than one

because it didn't knock my socks off. So I'm thinking, I'm not going to just eat another one just for the value, just in my head to make it, oh no, this was, on average,

that was $2.50. Especially if it's not good. It has to be so good to do that it was fine it was fine now for any normal person this is the end of the story this wasn't great don't need a second one yeah the end what else is going on guys all right continues all the rest of it yeah i'll say no more i'm gonna feel cliffhanger here i'm feeling cab going to like the next bit of this story because it really takes the heat off him. So I then go, I'm not going to eat this. There's a bin over there.

Or, you know what? I hate chucking... I'm not enjoying chucking this out. There's a bunch of kids over there. I'm like, you know what? Guys, do you want these ice creams? Do you want these? And they're like, what?

Like, I'm not going to finish these. Do you want them? And they go... What age are these children? They're like 12, 13. Okay, right, right. I thought you were saying going to finish these. Do you want them? And they go... What age are these children? They're like 12, 13. Okay, right, right. I thought you were saying this to a baby. No, no, no, no.

What? I can't finish this. Just throw in ice creams that are babies. I'm not a child. I'm a man. I'm a man on my knees. Baby breastfeeding. When you're done with that, do you want this pull-up?

But honestly, I'm thinking like this is I'm doing the right thing I give it to them and then they're like what and then they just like really hesitantly go

okay and then I realise there's another woman there that's with her baby and the woman's like just looking at me going oh my god and I'm realising

I'm realising what I'm literally doing there's a 44 year old handing out ice cream to the playground to 13 year old boys yeah I don't know why And I'm realising what I'm literally doing. There's a 44-year-old handing out ice creams at a playground to 13-year-old boys. Yeah. I don't know why they were hesitant. Just because every single day of their life

they've been told to give them ice creams from Carl. Exactly. This should have been like an undercover thing where then they took them and you're like, you could have saved it if you'd gone, never fucking do that again. Give me that ice cream back. Hey, I'm a cop. Yeah, this is how you get bummed, you could have saved it if you'd gone, never fucking do that again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me that ice cream, man. Hey, I'm a cop.

Yeah, this is how you get bummed, you little fucking idiots. Now come with me to accept your punishment. Ironically enough, a bummer. But see, that's the thing. Like, if I'm poo-jogging on camera, I've got no problem with that. But if they captured that, then I'm in fucking trouble. Oh, yeah, 100%. A lady saw it.

What are you wearing? Burn those clothes saw it. What do you think she's... What were you wearing? Burn those clothes. Yeah. Well, you know what? As soon as I did that, I was like, you know what? I might leave now. Yeah. With your baby and just showing your baby very obviously.

I have one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got one here. This one isn't mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it is mine. Yeah. Fuck, it is mine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't get this one for ice cream. Come along, little dec mine. Fuck, it is mine. I didn't get this one by our ice cream. Come along, little decoy. Come along. I mean, that's your first mistake. If you're going to give out ice creams to kids, you do it in the CCTV store. Yeah, yeah.

Find some children that are in there. They look pretty tough. They look pretty... They were sort of verging on hooligans. They could have attacked you. Yeah, they weren't defenseless. You were like, if if anything I was in danger exactly

I was like three of them this was like a peace offering yeah that's almost worse would you kids like an ice cream he's gay let's bash him

this gay old man's eating ice cream you should have seen him we beat the shit out of his pedophile I have thought about that a lot eating a rainbow pedal pop yeah if I see three kids

that are like 12 or 13, I do think, I wonder if I could take them or not. Yeah. You still think, it's still up in the air? I gave up on that concept. Oh, really?

Seven years ago, I reckon. It's like anyone over the age of about 10 could fucking absolutely murder me if they wanted. Oh, you reckon? Yeah. If there's like, because I'm always thinking of the algorithm

like three or four of them. It's like, you know, I could take one or two of them. That's one 40-year-old. I don't even think I could take a baby. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. Because also, are you basing that also on like just pure strength? Or are you thinking like, because part of it for me too is like, I'm in the middle of this fight and it's like, I don't know if I have it in me to fucking beat up an 11-year-old even if they are threatening me. I've got no problem with that.

You know what I mean? It's more like... He's got ice cream energy. You've got a sugar rush. Smash him. If there's two of them, then you can't see the other. You're taking on two of them. You can't...

You don't have eyes on the back of your head. Yeah, but when you get our age, you're like, you've got no... There's no rules anymore. You know, they've got like, don't kick in the nuts. Don of your head. Yeah, but when you get our age, you're like, you've got no... There's no rules anymore. You know, they've got like, don't kick in the nuts, don't do this. Oh, they do, do you reckon? They do, really? I don't know. I feel like they don't.

The code of honour. Whereas I'd be like, just throwing stuff everywhere. I'd be kicking. You'd be kicking a 12-year-old in the nuts. You'd be going straight for the nuts. I would go straight for his little non-pubescent clangers. I'd be going straight for the guy to kill you. I would go straight for his little non-pubescent clangers. I'd be going straight for him. No, I wouldn't even.

Wow, that's bigger than mine. Well done. You do it one-liners as you're doing. I'm going to kick you where hair doesn't grow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bigger than mine. And I'm erect. Beating up kids really turns me on,

so this is as big as I get. You got a little dick, sir. No, it's bigger than yours. I'll show you. Oh, we just got rid of the guy with the ice cream. Oh, what? I was just giving it to them because I was about to put it in the bin.

I didn't want to be wasteful. What happened? I didn't want them. Why are you looking at me? My dick is bigger. It's bigger. Technically, that's bigger. All right.

Well, we'd better wrap it up on the little dum-dum club for another week. Nick Kappa, Alex Ward, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you for having me. Alex, you've got your podcast going hypo? Yes, I do. We do hypotheticals and would-you-rathers and just chat about my dogs pretty much. But it's fun. Yep.

If you want to listen. I listened to it in lockdown. It was great. Once you're out of lockdown, not good enough. No way. It's a real lockdown, Todd. There's shit to do. Yeah.

There's a park and bridges and, you know, back on the job jackets. And, Cappy, you've got two podcasts? Yeah. I got The Phone Hacks with Mike Goldstein and I've got one with Brett Blake called Flat Stick which we talk about automotives and motorbikes and all that. Two very different people on the pod right now. You talk about motorbikes.

I was out with you the other night when you broke it to your girlfriend that Brett Blake had convinced you to buy a motorbike and I got to see the moment where you were forbidden to buy a motorbike. Yes. Yeah, well, it's a contentious issue still, so thanks for bringing it up, Carl. Hey, you might have not ever been able to make me your girlfriend, but I agree, don't buy one.

I just don't think you can handle it. You'll wear your little jacket, your wrists will get scratched. You'll come off, they'll be like, for some reason only his wrists are damaged and his belly. I'm no longer pursuing you. Alright, it's over. The ring is coming off. I must be pursued.

Yeah. No, no. I wasn't going to buy one and then I got a pretty decent sum of money from an ad yeah like not a huge sum of money but i got a decent sum of money you're gonna be on ads and then cool and then um yeah uh my girlfriend's like oh you should save it i'm like no i'm getting a motorbike

she's like don't you have any goals? I said my goal was not to be broke at Christmas. I'm not going to be broke at Christmas. I'm usually broke at Christmas. There's no gigs or anything like that. But now you're not broke because you've got a motorbike, so you can always sell that. Yeah, exactly.

And I'll make. I tried to tell her. I was like, Brett and I, we're going to ride motorbikes everywhere. We'll document it for the podcast. It's making money and comedy's done so you can just rebrand yourself

as Evil Knievel jumping over some buses and shit yeah yeah yeah except I'll be just riding away from my girlfriend trying to run me over

yeah it's a good selling point to your girlfriend no but if I buy this I can spend time with my friend instead of you. Yeah.

I'll tell you what, I would rather jump 12 burning buses than bring this issue up again. All right, yeah, check out all those pods, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. You said a mouthful, Tommy. You said everything I was going to say. Oh, wow.

It was like you read my mind. You didn't have anything else lined up to maybe say that I didn't cover? No, that was exactly it. No, that's it? That's exactly it. No other phrases? No, I was just going to say that phrase and that was it. That's literally it.

That's all there was. That was literally it. Yep. Well, yeah, they have done it again. Yep. I was going to say that. Yeah. Bernie kicked again. Yep. I was going to say that. Yeah. Bernie kicked a big one.

I was going to say that. Oh, he shat a big one. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know what I was going to say? When you do... Look, I know it's not like the best thing to talk about. I'm conscious that we talk about it probably a bit too much.

I'm conscious that I certainly... I didn't pick this life. I didn't mean to be talking about this sort of stuff all the time this is just what's been happening um but i would say this when it's sort of like a little bit satisfying when you've got that sort of thing happening when you you go you go to the toilet and it's sort of like it's all liquid it's not sort of hurting you as it's coming out the it's almost a little bit therapeutic or something. Yeah, I guess that first, when you have food poisoning, where it's coming on, and you're just in pain in the guts, and then you realise that that's what it is, and you know that

you're in for a brutal couple of days, but certainly that first one is, yeah, a bit of a relief. To kind of just have some answers to a bit of a short-term mystery. Yeah. That's always a bit pleasant. Yeah. But, I mean... What is it when you get, like, you know, water flushed into your ass?

What's that called again? Oh, colonic. Yeah, colonic. It's just like a reverse colonic, sort of. Yeah, yeah. It's just water coming out of it. Yeah, but a colonic, it comes out, you know, you get flushed into it. Oh, yeah, it comes out anyway, I guess.

It comes out anyway. So, basically, having food poisoning is just doing half of a colonic. Half a colonic. Yeah. Yeah, but a colonic, it comes out, you know, you get a flush and you have it come out anyway. So basically, having food poisoning is just doing half of a colonic. Half a colonic. Yeah, yeah, right. The DIY colonic. Yeah, the accidental colonic.

The self-sourcing colonic. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so look, I'm certainly not after sympathy. It's more like, you know, I'll be glad when it finishes, but as it's happening,

as I'm sitting there, I'm like, it's not the worst sensation in the world it's okay I'd prefer not to be doing it every 10 minutes at 3am apart from that

that's the worst bit is that it starts to get in the way of other if if food poisoning could respect your schedule a little bit if I could book in

just kind of operate like 9 to 5 yeah if I could make a booking for it yeah yeah yeah I don't think I'd have a major problem just a couple of hours

of just non-stop or just do them all in one long, long sitting. Oh yeah, that'd be good. And then have the rest of the day clear. That'd be good. That'd be good.

If I, even if it was like for a full hour, that's fine. Yeah, yeah. In one go. Watch a movie. Yep.

Treat it like a flight. This is good. Yeah. No one can bother me. Get the laptop on the toilet. Yep, yep. Get a bit of work done

as it's happening. Yep. Yeah, I think that's the one thing I of work done as it's happening. Yep. Yeah. I think that's the one thing I haven't done is rehydrate enough today. Yeah. That's what really, that's the next step. Then you start to get better and you're fucked from that. Well, today's more been that thing where you have a big night out.

Today's been the hangover. The sickness hangover, I think. Yep. Just, oh, you can't really do too much, but you're not that sick. No. It's like my wife would be like, oh, you're still crooking. I'm like, not really. I'm just sick hungover.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's what's happening, right? Yeah, there's a bit of a, you're sort of recalibrating yourself into normal life. Yeah, yeah. of recalibrating yourself into normal life. Yeah. Yeah. So, look, at the very least, what I prayed before the show was that I wasn't going to be going to the toilet mid-show.

Yeah. You looked like you came close a couple of times. I saw your eyes glaze over once or twice and I thought, oh, I think we're about to get our tools down for five seconds, boys. I was really praying I wasn't because just for you, for the sake of you, I don't think... You know, if anyone walks into your house and goes, I've got food poisoning,

I need to use your toilet a few times, you're like... Not ideal. Not great. But I mean, that bowl in there, it's seen it all at this point. Right, okay. Right, yeah.

Okay, fair enough. We could have. I mean, these cords are long enough. We probably could have had you reporting live from in there. Wow. That truly would be a new low. That would be rock bottom.

I don't reckon there's any way of sinking any lower on a podcast than that. You know, you can't argue with someone, seeing someone in a couple of years, them going, oh, I used to listen to you, but then you did that. You brought the microphone into the toilet that time. Yeah. And you lost me. If we then, next week's episode gets literally zero downloads. Yeah.

It'd be hard to argue with. Yeah. If we've done downloads. Yeah. And it'd be hard to argue with. Yeah. If we've done that. Yeah. You have to be like, look, we'll put this up knowing full well that we might never do the show again. We're going to lose a lot of listeners and we don't really want the ones we've kept. Yeah.

Or if it went up. If we gain ones. That's worse. We don't want to be doing this to people like that. Someone uploaded our episode to Pornhub. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Brut yeah, yeah. All right.

Yeah. Brutal, brutal stuff. Anyway, anyway, anyway. A bit of plain food for little Chando for the next couple of days, I would have thought. What else? What else have we got? What else is news?

Do you feel okay talking about, like, ice creams? Because even when I'm that sick, even just talking about food that my stomach can't handle makes me feel ill. You know what? Yeah, you're right. When even just talking about food that my stomach can't handle makes me feel ill. You know what? Yeah, you're right. When we were talking about ice cream, I was feeling the dairy inside me from the cheese sandwich. So, yeah, it was actually making me feel like I've eaten an ice cream when talking about that then. I do feel like...

I'm often... I'll have like a day of eating very plainly when I've had food poisoning. And then I just get bored. And I'm like, I'm not better yet. But I'm sick of eating this. I'm going to get a fucking burger. And then it's like that extends it by easily 48 hours. Like just your system going, all right, we're resetting. He's just giving us bits of bread.

And then it's like a fucking chicken fillet and cheese and red onion. Just the stomach going, what the hell? This is not part of the deal. You know what? That did go through my mind. I forced myself today. I was like looking at the carrot going, I don't need to eat this carrot. I'm like, just eat the fucking carrot.

It'll fill you up and it's good for you. It's like very, you know, when I wake up, I was in the morning waking up, I'm never going to eat anything bad again. I'm never going to drink again. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm never going to do anything bad again. Yeah. And then. Just praying to God, please.

Yeah. I'll completely change my life. Got to 1130. I've got the carrot in front of me and I'm thinking, I reckon I could still go to McDonald's. Yeah. And go, just don't do it. Do one non-dumb thing. Yeah.

And just made myself do it. So, non-dumb thing. Yeah. And just made myself do it. So, yeah. And I still feel not amazing. So, yeah, lucky I didn't. I did have a five-minute window where I was like, McDonald's isn't that bad. It's like, it's bread. It's bread?

I was going to have bread and cheese anyway. Yeah, I go the opposite where it's like you're so ill that you just become completely nihilistic. And you're like, what's the point of even living anyway i'm this sick this is just because especially if you've had a couple if you've gotten a really bad one if you've had like two three days where you've just been been eating crackers and it seems like nothing is fixing this thing yeah let's reach a point that's where i reach a point where i'm like well doing the right thing doesn't seem to be making much of a difference anyway so fuck it yeah well i don't know i just i think i'm dying yeah i might as well go out guns blazing yeah just rather die having eaten fucking kfc

is my last meal then a bloody ritz cracker with some butter on it like you do you know normally outside the virus is going away why wear a mask like you always say yeah exactly yeah um what else we got got merch yep we've got t-shirts littledumbdumbclub.com you can find links to the t-shirts hoodies

trying to think of what we got stubby holders hats oh yeah stubby holders yep starting to we're starting to think about going around

the country maybe do some live shows or something if we can yeah yeah seems like we probably can. What we can, I really think we would,

you know, I would like to do that. Tommy, I'm hoping you would like to do that. Things are starting to open up. Things are, we haven't done a live show in so long. So I'd like to do that again.

We haven't seen you people for so long. Pretty much I want to definitely bring merch to live shows to get rid of it because they seem to sell a lot better at live shows than in mail. So you don't really want to do a live show. You just want more space in the spare room. In the baby's room. Yeah. That'd be good.

She's put in a request. Blanket's been like, can I move around? She's getting bigger. And meanwhile, that box of shirts isn't getting any smaller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, if you can give me a real pillow instead of a talking dum-dum hoodie, that'd be fucking great. So, yeah, you can order that. Otherwise, yeah, keen on going to your towns as soon as some stage.

I think, weirdly enough, I think Melbourne's probably the last place we'll be doing anything live, I guess, at the moment. I mean, in terms of like capacity of rooms and stuff, I guess. Yeah. So that might be a little while. But of course, America and England will be there as soon as we can. Yeah. Yeah, God. No one's going to your place, guys Do you reckon Do you reckon

What's going to happen in terms of Can bands and stuff come here In the next six months, do you reckon? Can comedians come here? I would imagine If they're not touring If you can't tour in America Or if you can't tour in Europe

Are we just going to have Heaps of just awesome tours? Yeah, are they going to just go Well, we literally can't tour in Europe... Are we just going to have heaps of just awesome tours? Yeah. Are they going to just go, well, we literally can't play anywhere. Why don't we just do two weeks in quarantine and do an Australia-New Zealand tour? Probably that's what it's likely to be. Yeah, I'd say that you probably will be able to come if you want.

If you have a promoter who can bring you out there's probably a fair bit of wrangling that has to get done to get that over the line yeah and those flights are probably pretty expensive but yeah i mean if yeah if you're an artist in yeah the uk or europe or the us you're not going to be fucking doing that over there for a while so you probably are pretty happy to do two weeks either well you probably don pretty happy to do two weeks either. Well, you probably don't need to quarantine when you go home, right? Oh, yeah. If you've come from a place that has no cases,

maybe you don't have to. So maybe it is just two weeks and, you know, maybe you're about to, you know, maybe you're someone who you make music in a pretty lo-fi way. So you being in that hotel quarantine is like, cool, I'll spend that two weeks to finish off the album and then you know play some gigs so that'd be maybe that would be cool there's certainly no argument to be made that that sounds all right yeah if you're at home and you're you know you're

sitting at home anyway you can just sit in a nice hotel yeah and then come and play actual there won't be any gigs that people people go like two years without playing a gig so fucking why not um so that would be cool if all of a sudden we just got everyone coming in. But I do wonder though if, I mean, it depends. If a vaccine came along pretty quickly, then all that would change.

And also I do wonder if somewhere like the States is just a critical mass where within the next six months they just get bored of it all being fucked and they go, all right, let's just go back to having things on because nothing's fucking changing this at this point anyway. Yeah. mean look i i would think that most artists uh sort of left-leaning people

that would think not to do those sort of shows so you know you're gonna have smash mouth playing everywhere but you're not gonna have yeah who's the who's the sick uh group that just put out a van morrison and like two other people got together and put out like an anti... Van Morrison... Didn't Van Morrison and Eric Clapton... Eric Clapton. Yeah. Yeah, those two guys getting together.

Yeah. Which Van Morrison is very much a virus hoaxer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was surprised by Eric Clapton. But then I read a thing where it was like... He was like... He made a big statement, a big interview in like the mid-70s going, keep Britain white, cut immigration, keep the bloodline pure sort of thing.

And it's like, and then just absolutely copped it. And then he was like, oh, slip of the tongue. It's like, that was a big slip. So now he's like, the virus doesn't exist. I haven't read exactly his thoughts. Yeah, well, I think window ledges don't exist, you fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. That was a big slip. So now he's like, the virus doesn't exist. I haven't read exactly his thoughts. Yeah, well, I think window ledges don't exist, you fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, parenting doesn't exist.

Good parenting with you, but anyway. Yeah, keep a mask on. Maybe keep the window shut, I would have thought. Anyway. Oh, well, to each their own. Whatever doesn't kill you, hey Eric?

Jesus Christ. Thanks everyone for listening and for subscribing. If you subscribe to Patreon, you literally keep this show going.

You keep it on the road. You keep it on the go. Keep the lights on. Yep. You literally

make this show happen. So thank you very much much i hope you feel proud of yourself when you hear the rot we talked on this episode about water running out of my ass at great speed yep you wouldn't have heard that without your money you created that if uh if you hadn't have subscribed then the pod may not still be going and uh you know, the incident may or may not even have happened. You'd be living a completely different life. So, butterflies, wings, you know. At the very least, that diarrhea would have gone undocumented.

Yes. What a crime. Yeah. So, thank you very much. Of course, we try and keep things sweet by giving a little back. We do some bonus episodes. If you sign up to patreon.com

slash little dum-dum club, you're getting quite a lot of bonus content at the moment. So I hope you're happy with yourself. Two a week, we tune out. It's pretty good. Some good shit at the moment. So, yeah. Personally, I'd like it if more people signed up.

I guess I've never really thought about the implications of that. But more people signing up means more money. And that'd be good. Do you want to debate that? No, no, no. I'm just talking it out. Just workshopping it. So, yeah.

I mean, now that I've worked that side of it out, yeah, that would be cool. Okay, great. More people being on there would be good. Glad I won you around. So, you heard it. Tommy said he's co-signing this idea. Yep.

If you haven't signed up, sign up. Yep. Carl and Tommy are behind that idea. So, 100% this idea. Yep. If you haven't signed up, sign up. Yep. Carl and Tommy are behind that idea. It's a 100% endorsement. Yeah. We're the original odd couple. We don't agree on many things.

Yeah. But when we do, that's when you know it's an electric idea. Yep. So, get onto that, patreon.com

slash little dumb mom club. Of course, part of it is we try and read out each and every one of you every week. I mean, every week we try and read out the entire amount of people that subscribe.

The original aim was just to read out everyone's name every week, the same names over and over. Yeah, start chronologically. Yeah. But we do get a little bit sidetracked some weeks. So some weeks we don't read all of them out. Some weeks we might read 90% of them out. We might read 91% of them out. Some weeks we might read 90% of them out. We might read 91% of them out. It really varies.

Those are the weeks where we haven't commented on any of the names and we've just read them out. But even that, we get pretty close and then something comes up. Yeah. I mean, we're only superhuman, as they say. Yes. Like we're superhuman comedians. We can't just read out a name and not just absolutely spin it into comedy gold.

I wish we could. It's involuntary. Yeah. Yeah. I wish we could be so bad at comedy that we just read names out and had no ideas that came off the back of them. We'd get through a lot more names. Oh, man.

If this bit of the show could somehow not be funny, that'd be great. Oh, but... I mean, some weeks we try. Yeah. But... We often are trying. But, I don't know. Like, yeah, against our better impulses. Weirdly, it's always really funny, despite what other people say when they hear it.

But we know it to be true that it is very funny. Yes. Well, no, it's not even us. It's like sometimes we think we've finally managed to churn out an unfunny one. Right. But then the feedback on the socials is just like, boys, I regret to inform you that you have done it again. See, saying they've done it again, that's actually not celebratory.

That's like, we're a bit defeated because we've tried to be unfunny. Yeah. And then we're to be informed that we've actually had a good one. It's like, God damn it. It's like Brewster's Millions. Yeah.

Richard Pryor trying to spend all that money and he still can't do it. Exactly. And look, it's not even the social. Sometimes it's just the board of comedy come in and go, well done, boys. And you go, fuck. Like you get that bill and you get the letter in the mail and you pray that it's the one where you open it up. It looks like a bill.

Big sad face. And you're like, you've been barred from comedy. And we were like, fuck, we've done it. But no. Every time we think we're out. They pull us back in that's it yep the gatekeepers

famously big fans of the work that we do in comedy critically acclaimed yeah exactly people always asking us to do stuff you know what I'm

regular calls from the big wigs in the comedy industry saying boys just wanted to call and let you know that we're such tremendous fans of the work that you do. Yeah.

We've both got massive calluses on our shoulder from being tapped on the shoulder for other gigs and opportunities. Mine's eroded. Right. I had to have like a metal replacement. Right. Wow. Because the bone has just been ground into dust from just being fucking thwacked so repeatedly

over the years. Yeah. Yeah. It's a real shame. Anyway. Anyway. Let's crack into it this week. Of course, we've got the UTA, the Unplanned Title Alternator, to keep it all fair and above board, fair and square.

Let's attempt to read out every name that subscribes to us yet again. Thank you very much to... And let's really just whip through these. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Lucas Reynolds. Let's just try and keep it brief. Let's try and keep it as brief as we can. Yeah, do the next one then. If we could just keep this short so we can fit in more names.

We just said before we're not going to do one of these weeks where we comment on. We're just going to actually read the names out one by one. Just read the name after name. So you've got it in front of you. I can't actually see it from where I am. No comments. No mucking around. You've got to read out the second one.

So if you could just do that. If we could just get through as many as we can. Really quickly and then we should be able to get through like probably about 50. If not thousands. We don't have ages to spare. We've both got stuff on after this. But if we could just keep it brief. Again, you're looking at it. You could just read out

the second one right now. What if it was George Lucas Reynolds? What do you think about that? I wonder what our old friend Chewbacca would have to say about that. Can you do that with Reynolds? Can I say Reynolds? Yeah, but like, because that's like an R sound. Can you do that with Reynolds? Can I say Reynolds? Yeah, but like...

Oh, fuck. Because that's like an R sound. Can you go Reynolds? You could do it. No, but yeah, I'm just trying to... Yeah, there you go. Oh, fuck, that hurt. That's good.

Yeah, that really hurt. That's good. Lucas Reynolds. George Lucas Reynolds. You've seen they've got this Baby Yoda now Oh yeah You can imagine what that would sound like Shit myself I have

I was watching that show I was watching an episode of that show the other day And I haven't watched a single episode of it before I was watching it with some real diehards And really lost the room when I interrupted the episode to whip that one out. When Baby Yoda came on screen. Really, really...

And I tried to say, hey, you invited me along. I said I've never watched this. You said... I put my cards on the table and I let you know what you were in for. You walked in and said,

you put your hands in the air and said, I'm a comedian, guys. Yep. So if something... That's my cross to bear. Yeah, something comes up, I can't help myself but make the world a funner place. I know you guys like this show.

Even though I've never watched it, I've been meaning to, and I got a lot of respect for how it's made. But so help me God, if I see something that tickles my fancy, I took an oath over 10 years ago, and I am going to be honour bound to comment on what's on the screen. And I'm sorry in advance if that happens to be at a critical plot point and you miss information on the screen. I'm just letting you know.

Yeah, that is, I do remember when I signed up for comedy that first day and I had to stand up and give an oath and put my hand on Judy Carter's comedy Bible. Yeah. And swear to riff on anything just half amusing yeah and i've never gone against it yeah that's every every comedian has signed a blood oath to never let even half a useless thought go unsaid in a crowded room if there's even a slight possibility that you could hold court yeah with the fucking useless rot that's in your head. You have to jump on the grenade.

You have to take it. Especially something like Yoda. I mean, some unmined territory like that. Right. You can imagine how excited I was when I realised that this little green car looked kind of funny. Like, fucking hell, this thing's just been hiding in plain sight all these years. Since like, what, 1979? That wasn't my next question.

Talk me back through how you got this idea to come up with this bit. Carl, you know as well as I do that a magician never reveals his secrets. Quite often the secret is chucking a little pill into a glass. I was talking to a friend of the show the other day who did a comedy gig at a magic club.

Yes. And backstage, she said the backstage was just filled with doves and there's a sign in the green room saying, no photos backstage or there's a $1,000 fine, which I never thought. You can't be taking a selfie in the green room. And then meanwhile, it's like, what's that hat over there with a fucking cord coming yeah yeah but i

was like is that for is that for the tricks or is that just because you might accidentally catch a horrendous camera yeah yeah there's um it's just an absolute um rogues gallery exactly of date rape in the back there that is something speaking of speaking of being duty bound, that is something that I truly do feel duty bound on this podcast. For whatever reason, anytime magic comes up, we trip over ourselves to work a reference of sex crimes in there.

What do you think magicians think of comedians? Do you think this goes both ways? Yeah, it could be fair. Here on the Magic Podcast, oh yeah, so this comedian, oh yeah, what was comedian, oh yeah, what was he doing? Bloody telling a joke

or fucking slipping someone a roofie. Yeah, yeah. And if so, how'd they do it? How'd they get that? But it is like, their job is to lie.

Right. Is to... Well, I mean, could the same not be said of us? I was down in the shops the other day. More like 15 years ago, pal.

Oh, yeah. Nice. Yeah. Oh, maybe. I hate my wife. No, you don't. That's the mother of your children. Yeah.

Well, look, a lot of people that say that, that I know, it's probably true. Yeah, fair. Yeah. But, yeah, look, they do... Their whole life is about deceiving people. Right. So, you know, it's – Little secrets.

Yeah. Little hidden – There's little – Little trap doors and little – Like, it just spills off stage. So, you know, there's an argument to be made that, you know, they can't help themselves. This is the life they've chosen. So you think that it's possible Is it possible that

Someone commits a crime And they get found out for it And they just lie their way out of it And then they're like That felt pretty good I should try magic I've got a real aptitude for this This whole lying to people thing

And deceiving them I'm actually really good at it I thought it was more the other way around Like if I can If I if I can make a dove disappear, why can't I make a lady's panties disappear against her will? Yeah, okay. I do like the idea that it's the other way around. It's like the reverse of a scared straight program

where magicians are just going into prisons and going, fellas, when you're out, you all gave it a big crack at deceiving the judge and deceiving the jury. And look, it didn't work, but we'll take you out. We'll take you into our academy. Right. It's like Professor Xavier. Yeah, yeah.

Hearing about a new mutant out there and he goes and gets them. He's like, hey, I've got a school where we can teach you up and we can harness these powers. And it's these dirty little cunts in rags and they go, have you ever thought about wearing silk? Yeah, exactly. That's your problem. You didn't get away with it because you were badly dressed. If you have a cape

on, people pay for you to lie to them. You could be making more money. Totally. Yeah. Anyway, thanks Lucas Reynolds. Thanks George Lucas Reynolds. George Lucas Reynolds. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Matthew

Torpey. That first one took too long. That name is Matthew. We said we wanted to crack through them. The first one took way too long. So now I'm just waiting. We'll just roll on to the next one. So let's not do it again.

Just read out the third one. Go to the third one pretty soon. We were complaining about how we get sidetracked. Catch my breath. And lo and behold. Take a sip of water. Got to keep hydrated, actually. Lo and behold, we get sidetracked very quickly. And already that one took about 20 minutes.

That felt good. Yeah, the power is in your hands. And we're back, I reckon. It could be a self-fulfilling prophecy here. Torpy, that actually reminds me of the... I don't care what it reminds you of. Reminds me of Bernie Kick in a big one. It's short for torpedo.

The torpedo kick in Australian Rules Football. Okay. It kicks a torp. I thought you were going to say... If it got onto a torp. I thought you were going to say it reminded you of your idol Ian Thorpe. Not my idol. I don't know what would make you think that.

Well, you know, he's very good at what he does. You think I'm just impressed by excellence in any field? Yeah, and also lying to the public for a reason. That was... The one thing that really struck me out of his story was Alan Jones, the media broadcaster, and his affiliation with him, his affinity for Ian Thorpe. He would have Ian Thorpe come and stay with him.

Alan Jones is very, for people that don't know, I guess everyone roughly knows, very, very right-wing broadcaster in Australia. Very, very nasty little piece of work. Yeah. And that's the thing that gets... One of the, like, probably top five media cunts. Hmm. Yeah.

Well, I can't think of someone above him. Oh, maybe. Bolt, I guess. People are... But, yeah, he cut from the same cloth as Andrew Bolt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, big-time piece of work. Yeah, yeah. But also quite camp, big time piece of work. Yeah, yeah.

But also quite camp, isn't he? Yes. So that strange mix where he's like... That's the thing I never get. Kind of homophobic, but like, oh, the gays are all out there, you know, like kind of this very like... It's like, you're up to something.

It's a self-loathing sort of thing happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the thing... It's a very interesting story at the very least because his audience is this older, dyed-in-the-wool sort of like, you know, 60, 70, 80-year-old people that listen to him that he has to just keep. I assume the only reason he doesn't tell people that he's of that persuasion is that he will scare off those 60, 70, 80-year-olds that listen to his show or whatever.

Yeah. Which is a weird life to live. And then they're all listening going, this guy is one of the great heterosexual warriors. Yes. Fighting for the shared values of us and him. Yes, yes, exactly. Yeah, it's pretty bizarre.

And it's like, you know, he's doing all that stuff and going, yeah, keep all the darkies out of the country and keep everything white and do this. And also, anyway, Ian Thorpe and Liberace are staying over for a pillow fight tonight. I don't have a spare room. Okay, sure. I guess they're all going to, I guess you're going to figure out a battle plan how to keep all the Muslims out of the country.

Okay, sure. Yeah. Why not? Yeah. It feels bad to have like a homosexual guy who you have to be like, what a fucking cunt. Yes. You know what I mean? You're right. It really makes you feel like you're bigoted in some way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, mate, I want to be on your side. It's like I would never use this at someone, but it's like we should be able to use the slurs to him. You know, he's doing enough other bad stuff. It's like, why not? Give us an out. Yeah, not because of that part of you, but because doing enough other bad stuff. It's like, why not? Give us an out. Yeah.

Not because of that part of you, but because of all the other stuff. I just want to say bad words to you to make you feel bad, which you deserve to feel bad because you've been awful about people and oppressed them. Wow, I think I've just changed the world. You know what? Slurs are okay if the person is racist. Yeah. He's a bad person. Yeah.

Can we get a ruling on that? We do an audit. We go in, we assess everything he's ever said, and it's like categorically bad, slurs okay. Yeah, what can we call him? Can we get a ruling from gay listeners out there of how we should approach Alan Jones, at least in our mind, or how you guys?

How you guys would be comfortable with saying well because you know i like commonly like gay people will refer to each other as the f slur as a term of endearment right but now would would you if you were gay Would you call Alan Jones that Because you know what I mean Traditionally Right If you're saying it to another gay person You're using it

As a term of endearment Right But would you feel like I can't use that I can't use that on him Well it's not endearing Because I don't want him to think I want him to think I'm endeared to him

Yeah it's not endearing And also he's technically not Officially not Yeah that's the big difference isn't it That's the other thing Yeah okay And I'd say he'd be quite litigious as well.

Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. So we maybe shouldn't be saying any of this. Well, Matthew Torpy wrote all of this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're just... This is a message he sent in. No, we're still reading out his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This whole speech has just been... This is the longest one we've ever had. This is his middle name.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, man. He's a... It's so... It's... I've met a few...

It's weird. It's weird to have this stereotype in my head where I kind of think, okay, if you're gay, you're very open-minded about everything. Yes.

And you're left-leaning and whatever. But then when you see, when you meet gay people that are very right-leaning, I'm like, this is not, this is not. It's bizarre. This is not real, is it? Yeah, but I mean, you know, there's like gay people who voted for Trump.

There's people, you know, there's people of all sorts of minorities who voted for Trump. And it's just like, this is insane. Like anyone of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyone who's not white and straight who voted for Trump, it's just like, this is insane. Like anyone of, yeah. Yeah. It's like. Yeah. Anyone who's not white and straight who voted for Trump, it's just like, this is insane. It, I think it took me a long time to process the fact that when you would see people that

were like Italians or Greeks or whatever, and then they're sort of like, yeah, keep the Muslims out. And I'm like, what? Yeah. But aren't you, you were them sort of like a while back. Back in the day. Like how can you process that? But then I didn you were them sort of like a while back back in the day like how can you process that but then I didn't realize the thing of like the very selfish thing and a lot of people in the world are very selfish and the selfish thing of yeah but I'm here

now so let's shut the gate now yeah yeah yeah I mean it's often perfect right now so let's not fuck it up from here on in right it's often like you'll hear stories about like super rich people like not paying rich people like not paying taxes or like not tipping or not paying their staff properly or whatever it is people always go this guy's rich what you know why would be such a tight ass and it's like yeah well that's kind of like isn't that part of how you get rich yeah yeah it's like you you work it out you you scrimp and you put away and then it's like yeah you get all that and you're like no this is mine now yeah yeah i'm not sharing this around. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Torpy. Thanks, Torpy. Thanks, Torpy. Thanks, Matthew Torpy. Thanks, kick a big Torpy torpedo. Have you ever got onto a barrel? Have you ever got onto a torpedo? No.

I don't know what you're asking me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So probably, yeah, just by accident. Didn't even realize it. I reckon it's pretty hard to kick one of those by accident. Well, I reckon that's probably the natural aptitude that I kind of have. Oh, wow. Okay. Don't even need to kick one of those by accident. I reckon that's probably the natural attitude that I kind of have. Oh, wow. Don't even need to keep record of these kinds of things. Don't need to bother

filing it away mentally. I didn't know you were so athletic and so confident in it as well. Yeah. Wow. And also just completely forgetful about whether or not I've done it. But we have to assume that the answer is yes. Not even forgetful, just sort of like, you know, not educated, I think.

Not worth, just not worth, like I said, not worth filing away. Right. Okay. Well, that makes sense. Generally, the human instinct is to go, I don't know what that is, but yes, I'm very good at it. Yeah. So, yeah, that makes sense.

Yep. Torpy. Fucking weird to have a surname that does actually sound like a nickname already. Yes. Because you just go... You know that... I mean, look, I call you Daslo all the time. I would rarely call you Tommy.

Yeah. So Daslo to me sounds like a nickname, which I guess it is because it's not actually a real name. So that's... I mean, I guess people call you Das. Few people. Daso. Yeah. But it's funny because nicknames traditionally come from when you're, you know, quite young.

Like when you're at school or whatever. And I don't think anyone called me Das or Dasso until I was like 26. Right. It's like pretty old to start a nickname. Your name wasn't Dasso until you were about 18 or something. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So that's what I'm saying.

It's like a very late in life nickname. Did you get, with your real name all sop, what did you get? Sopo or something? I got soppy. Right. But not, not like, it was like one or two people tried to get that going. Right. And it's just a little.

Yeah, it's not great. A little clunky. It's not heaps of fun to say. No, I never really had, never really had one. Never really had a nickname based on myself. You got Tommy already. Tommy's fun to say. Yeah.

Yeah. Just go with that. Bit of fun. Yep. Bit of a laugh got Tommy already. Tommy's fun to say. Yeah. Yeah. Just go with that. Bit of fun. Yep. Bit of a laugh. Torpy. Just a bit of mucking around.

Yeah. I'd be going with that. Torpy. That's absolutely fine by me. That'd be a thing where it's like

everyone calls this guy Torpy and then you go but what's your real name? No that's it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I felt like that was fun and now I feel like it's weird. Now I feel like fucking the doctor or something. Yeah. Mr. Torpy.

Thanks Torpy. Mr. Torpy. Thanks, Torpy. Mr. Torpy. Mr. Torpy sounds like the name of a famous pedophile. Yes, absolutely. Like if you read about a guy, it's like uproar in this small community. It's famous pedophile, Mr. Torpy. It's not positive phonetics. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's for sure. It feels a bit creepy. Yeah. But thanks. Thanks, Mr. Torpy. Thanks, yeah, yeah. That's for sure. It feels a bit creepy. Yeah. But thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Mr. Torpy. Thanks, Mr. Torpy.

Hope you keep sending us your ill-gotten gains. Yes. Thank you very much, Patreon subscriber Christopher Radgill. Okay, now we've really got to start moving in a lot. So Radgill's hyphenated. Three. Let's do the fourth now. We can still save this. It's been 35 minutes.'s do the fourth now. We can still save this.

It's been 35 minutes. We'll move on. But we can still save this. Did I finish saying it? We could get up to like 20. Did I actually finish saying it yet? We can still get up to 20. The surname was Rad Gill.

Did I mention both parts of the name? You said it. Yep. Because I feel like I don't want to have to do a re-read later on. No, no, no. You're not going to have to do a re-read. In fact, you've already have done a re-read. You've said it about four times.

And not the other. Like one of the parents could get upset. We can just move this on. And all of a sudden, before you know it, we'll be onto the fourth name. Because he hasn't had both his parents represented after giving all of this money. And who knows what comes after that?

Who knows what number comes after four? You know what's interesting about this one is that, look, if I can just take one second here. Sorry, Tommy. Is that he's got his name Christopher Radgill. It's already, I'm like, that's interesting. That insinuates that one of his parents' last name is Rad, which is pretty funny.

That's great. But he's... I wonder if he gets sent as many photos of Rad Dad merchandise on Father's Day as we do. Boy. I doubt it. A month, coming up to a month out from Father's Day and it just piles up, doesn't it?

Yeah. We haven't done an episode of Rad Dad in about four years and we still absolutely cover it. It is. Well, yeah, and also because Father's Day is one of those holidays that's different in all different parts of the world, it seems like it just goes on all year. Yeah.

Oh, yes. Also, I do love the idea that people think that we made up Rad Dad. Invented the phrase. Yeah. We absolutely did not. We're the first people to realise that those two words rhyme. It was... For people that don't realise, I can't be fucking going back that far.

It all sprung out of the fact that I was offered a job in a Target catalogue. Yeah. And the character was Rad Dad. Yeah. And it was literally... It wasn't... It was, character was Rad Dad. Yep. And it was literally... It wasn't... It was, we want you to audition, and then it was his...

No, it wasn't... No, no, sorry, we want you to do it, and then it was like, here's the character. They didn't tell you what character. No, there was five characters. Right. It was like, you know, like 80-year-old man, two-year-old baby...

Yeah, I remember one of them was Aboriginal woman. And then Rad Dad is like, I wonder what ever happened to her. Do you think if we ever did an ep again, we'd feel confident in taking on Rad Dad meeting Aboriginal woman for the first time?

Maybe we could do him at the Target shoot. That'd be interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very interesting. Maybe an unrecorded show that one yeah yeah um something for the drunk cast that was i i cannot believe that that that i still can't get that straight in my head i still can't quite believe it but that's literally the email i got that it wasn't an audition it was like you can be in this catalog yeah i was going to be in a

target catalog yeah but i was i was in kosamui for the first time well you're you're famously offer only you know that showbiz term no it's like if you get famous enough you're not auditioning oh really send me the offer set send me the script tell me you want me in it tell me how much money and i'll say yes or no ask me to come in and read for it i will not do but that's like that's like super up. I don't get out of bed for $10,000. Right. I mean, no one's saying to Brad Pitt, yeah, we'd like you to come in. And the client went in a different direction.

Right. You know, someone like him. It's an offer only. Sure. You want me in the film? Fuck. Well, that never got offered to me again. I just, you know, and I'm a terrible auditioner as well.

So, I mean, not that you audition for a catalogue, though, I guess. What, are you walking in just like wear fucking knock-off Transformers jumper or something? Right. I had to do one the other day, and they're all remote now. Even though, like, workplaces are back and things are open. You only ever have, like, one. Anyway, you have to, like, film it yourself, which just feels, I don't know, weirdly enough, feels kind of, like, more mortifying than being in the room doing it.

God, that's a different experience for me. But yeah, sure. Just something about them is like set your own camera up. Like they wanted me to, you know, to like wear a suit. It's like just dressing my, I don't know. It all felt very like, it's hard to get in the vibe of it too without a person behind the camera like kind of coaching you and going like, oh, here's what we want.

You're just doing it in the webcam and going, this feels so pointless. Even more so when I, like I hadn't properly like read the brief until I sat down to do it and it was like, we're after an Idris Elba type. Oh, yeah. And it's like, I'm already dressed up. I've already got the laptop open. And I'm like, why did I bother doing any of this? Like, I'm not getting this.

This is pointless. If I may say you're possibly the opposite of that thank you I'm Alan Jones and I take that as a compliment wow that's an unbelievable synopsis

did that affect your audition in any way? did that affect the intonation of your voice? or anything like that? that would be imagine if it's like then my tape is shee come on down to Target in any way? Did that affect the intonation of your voice or anything like that? That would be, imagine if it's like, then my tape is, shee,

come on down to Target. This is like, dude, wrong country. This is offensive. It's the wrong place. It's a hard one to defend though because it's like, well,

you did say, you said it. I was just following orders. I was just following the brief. Sorry. Fuck. Fuck, I hope you get that. That would be so good. I was just following orders. Yeah, yeah. I was just following the brief. Sorry. Fuck. Fuck, I hope you get that. That would be so good.

I found out already I did not have it. I assumed that, but what I'm saying is I wish you did get it because that would be a very interesting... I'd like to meet the person who wanted an Idris Elba type and who settled on you. More ads and just any media should start with, here's the kind of type that we wanted in the brief. And they show a picture.

And they're like, anyway, now here's the ad. Right. It's like every time I've been in. That's good. Because how many times, I mean, we've auditioned for a few things together that are like, you know, oh, we're after like actual comedy duos in this thing. We want actual comedians in this thing. And you go, okay.

And then you go to the waiting room and it's like all comics that you know. It's Heidi Klum there and Elle Macpherson. They get it. Yeah, right. And then you see the ad and it's just like, yeah, two cunts just fresh out of NIDA. There's like no one with actual comedy experience. Like any time.

So this is another one now where I am really looking forward to seeing what this ad is. Is it the new James Bond movie? Yes. I mean, I did have to seeing what this ad is. Is it the new James Bond movie? Yes. I mean, I did have to wear a suit. Maybe that's how they audition for it and keep the secrecy. Because if they go, here's an excerpt of the script, well, then someone's going to leak that.

And then it will be out there. Yesterday is another day to kill. Yep. All good luck, man. I wonder if, yeah, that's funny the idea that they're already casting the new James Bond. The fucking previous one hasn't even come out

and it's been delayed by a whole year. Nah, we gotta get, before we even know if people like this one, we gotta get cranking on the next one. Yeah, absolutely.

Get this new Bond, a little bald, fake Italian-Australian man. Yes. Interesting thing about this fella, um christopher rad gill is he his email like so i'll sometimes i'll double check these these characters yeah because they'll supply their name but they won't give their full name and i don't feel like getting

on here and going thank you to john yeah you need Yeah, sure. So I do a bit of research. Get on the UTA. That's legit. Yep. This person has signed up using his name but appears to have used his girlfriend's email account. Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

Not even a joint account. Yeah. Just an absolute e-cuck. Yeah. Isn't allowed to have his a joint account. Yeah. Just an absolute e-cuck. Yeah. Isn't allowed to have his own email account. Right. Waking up in the morning. Can you check your phone and see if you have any emails for me, darling?

Imagine going for a job. Yeah. I'm not sure, Christopher, if you've got the job. But can you let me know but can you let me know? Can you let me know? Just email me at rachel at blah, blah. Yeah. What?

Christopher'sgirlfriend at gmail.com. God. Yeah, that's pretty bad. That is. Like, a lot of us. That's more grim than, this seems more stupid to me than getting a partner's name tattooed on you. Yeah. And also, I feel bad enough giving out my Yahoo account to people,

let alone giving that out. Yeah. Oh, God. The only thing I think more pathetic than that... You need to take the word rad out of your name. Right. That is not rad. Christopher Sadgill.

Yes. The one thing more sad than that, still doing your business Through your parents email address Oh Is that even a thing? Well no But I'm trying to think

How could this guy be any worse Yeah yeah sure And it doesn't get much worse But going Yeah yeah yeah No worries Just email my mummy and daddy Yeah

At Parents of Fucking loser At gmail.com Mum123 At gmail Yep Yep Fuck Mum123 at gmail. Yep. Yep.

Fuck, I never thought about that. Like, you know, me, you're probably the same. Like, you know, you get your own email account. You start up yourself. These days, there's probably a stage where your parents set up your, like there's a certain age where your parents set up your email account. Probably when a kid's like, I wonder what time the pressure starts from. Probably 12 in a really...

When do you need an email? Well, but I mean, I'm saying now that there's smartphones. Probably the pressure for a smartphone is just really, really heating up around 12. Yeah. To a point where... 12. That's like... I reckon...

Year 7, year 8. I reckon you get it before that. Before... Well, but I mean, big time, like full on. But yeah, probably a little bit earlier. I reckon you would cop it in year seven at high school if you didn't have one. Exactly. Cop it.

But then, so yeah, at a young age, you've got to go get the kid an iPhone. And then you've got to go through all the stuff of, well, what did I want this for? To be on Instagram, to be on Facebook, to be on TikTok, well, probably TikTok more likely. I kind of, I don't know. I wonder how many like young kids are signing up to Facebook these days. Yeah. I get the impression from what I hear that there's not even too many younger kids on Instagram.

Even Instagram is seen as like. A bit old. A bit of an older thing. Really? Yeah. Right. It's just all TikTok. That of an older thing. Yeah. Right. It's just all TikTok. That's what I understand, yeah.

Because it's like, you know, we look on, well, who even really uses Facebook anymore? In a personal sense. And it's like aunties sharing memes. Old cunts being embarrassing on there. I think that's how the younger generation look at us and our Instagram news. Isn't that really disturbing to find out well i don't know if i'm if i'm if i think that's bad or i think it's okay because you know when something new rolls out like tiktok's a thing where i'm like i'm not doing that like you know

even instagram come out and i was like i'm not doing that and then you sort of have to bend but tiktok's a thing where i'm like i can't i don't think i can do that one instagram yeah tiktok feels like sort of the line in the sand where of like comedians that we know like because that's what yeah it's like enough comics are on here and they're you know they're getting a bit of a following so it's like oh okay i see the merit in this now i guess i should get on there but i don't really know any stand-ups that you know what i mean it's like we've all rushed onto it so it's like all right this is the instagram's the last platform of comedians of our generation probably like two generations below as well i was hearing last night people were telling me oh and just

naming like some absolute dog shit open micers that are like oh did you hear this guy's big on tiktok yeah i was like that was the first time i've been tempted because i'm like if that cunt can get a following on tiktok like it must be just you magically get followers because his comedy is bad just by putting it on a platform but his comedy is bad in a in an onstage sense which probably makes it good in a tiktok sense because that would be even worse you getting on there out of spite to be like, I'm going to get a huge following like this guy. And then that not happening

because it's like people going like, bro, you're 44, you are using this platform all wrong. This is completely embarrassing. That is fucking, that's so grim. I'm just screenshotting tweets and putting them on there.

Right, right, right. Yeah, you're just doing stand up into the camera for like two minutes. Oh yeah, anyway, just doing my little riddles. Yeah. Christopher Radgill. Thank you, but, man, I'll give you permission to get your own.

Ask your girlfriend for Christmas to get you your own email account. Make a new account, dumdumfan69 at Gmail and resubscribe. Yeah. Okay? Awesome. And we'll read your name out again when it comes up if you do that. Yeah. Be a real man and get a cool email address like that.

Have it for a bit and send us a screenshot that proves that you're actually doing all your business through it as well. Yes, yes. We need to see a couple of work emails coming through this thing. Show us a couple of job applications. Yep, yep. A breakup letter to your girlfriend saying, I'm not using your email account anymore. I'm my own man.

You've lost your hold over me. Yeah. I'm growing up. Yeah. We need a few job applications. A few emails from some official account that you've got linked to your email saying, yeah, we've confirmed your change of email address. Yeah.

Real estate agent. Driver's license deal. Yeah. All that kind of shit. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Chris.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Rachel Sky Scott. Rachel Sky Scott. So. Well, that one's been read out. So there's no need to focus on that anymore. So we'll just go on to the next one. Once we finish. It'll be the fifth one.

Rachel Sky Scott. No real reason to point that out. Once we finish reading out that name. The fact that it would be the fifth one that we've done. We can very quickly move on to the next one and read out as many as we can this week. That's interesting, though, having... I mean, look, I always enjoy a middle name being whacked in there, like someone insisting

that you have the middle name in there. Like, if we all did that, this thing would go even fucking longer, this segment. Yeah. Like just, it's, you know, I'm silent. You don't need to have it there.

It is an interesting aesthetic choice, but I always think like, if anyone has decided to do it, you kind of got to respect it because it's there. And some people, you know, I think they just,

they just like the cadence of how it sounds as a whole thing together. Yeah. Look, yeah. Look, Rachel Scott is a different person to Rachel Skyscott, isnachel sky scott and see immediately it's got its own i i imagine if her middle name was something along the lines of just like you know jane or um you know just a pretty

pretty stock standard name she probably wouldn't be bothering but when you've got sky in the middle there yeah that's worth emphasizing it look it goes goes with the name, Rachel Skye Skye. If I was born Carl Skye Chandler, it would still be Carl Chandler. There would be no emphasis on the Skye. Yes. It would be hidden. Yes. I mean, my middle name could be Skye, but you will never know.

That's so funny. Your parents living in the country and just having a child and deciding to call it Skye is very funny for some reason. Oh, look, it's funny enough. I genuinely find it funny enough that I was named after a doctor in the hospital. Like, as I was getting born. Like, they hadn't fucking thought of anything until they rock in there. And it's almost like someone said, what are you going to call it?

And they go, oh, shit. I knew we forgot something. And then they just go to that person. What's your name, Carl? Yes. Or if it had been the person there is like filling out the birth certificate, they're like,

what did you want the first name to be? And they're umming and ahhing and meanwhile, someone yells out Carl. They're actually talking to the doctor. Yeah. And the person filling out the birth certificate mishears and thinks that that's your parents talking to you.

Oh yeah, I've just realised one thing. I was named after Dr. Carl, just not that Dr. Carl or that Dr. Carl. No, you've just realised one thing. I was named after Dr. Carl, just not that Dr. Carl, or that Dr. Carl. No, a Dr. Carl. A Dr. Carl. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

But, hey, it could have been one of those two guys. No. Maybe the Triple J scientist guy delivered you. Yeah, yeah. Or maybe the fake neighbour's guy delivered me. Maybe, yeah. Can you, what's your first memory? Is it of some TV cameras and bright stage lights?

It's of some old bloke doing some science experiment with my dick. Right. So, yeah, it could be Dr. Carl. Right, okay. What was the science experiment? And having bogans from Wollongong ring up. Yeah. Requesting.

That's great. How big does a baby's dick get when you rub it? Dr. Carl, how long does it take a baby to calm and be like, well, I actually don't know. This is the first one that's ever come up that I have absolutely no idea about. So I guess it's off to the maternity ward for me. Yep. And also portable recording device with him.

It's a victimless crime for Dr. Carl because he notoriously can't see faces. So he's not seeing my face. He doesn't feel guilty about jerking off a baby. No. And he's never going to have to be confronted with the person. He's never going to see me again, even if he sees me again. Exactly, yeah.

Yeah, I wonder if he does use that condition. I really... Guilt-free commit crimes. I really wish we'd had the balls to talk. Did we ask him? We didn't ask him about it, did we? When we had him on the podcast? No, we were sidetracked by asking him

about the Westgate Bridge. Yes. So you can't fault us for that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. I think I would have been too scared to ask about it anyway. Because it's weird. It is weird. It's fascinating.

It is fascinating. Yeah, I would... It's one of those things... I guess I kind of have it with colour blindness, so I can understand that a bit more. But like something that you... If you don't have it, you cannot picture what it's like. Like what he sees when he looks at people.

Well, if someone said to you, like the colourblindness, if someone said to you, you know that there's a new colour, don't you? No. Imagine trying to imagine a colour, a new colour. Right, right. You can't imagine it, can you? Yeah. So it's the same deal as that.

Yeah, I wonder, yeah, it is, it's so interesting. I wonder if there must... There probably is something somewhere that someone has designed to mimic the feeling of having this condition. Faces is such a weird thing where it's like... Is there anything else like that? Do some people can't see feet? Or fingers? Or fucking road signs?

Or food? Well, isn't it... He can see them, but the thing in the brain that is filing it away, and when I look at you, I go, oh, that's Carl. Right. It's the bit of the brain that's processing that and filing that away. Right.

It just isn't there. Right. Because in my head, I kind of think of it as like he just sees... Pixelations. Pixelations. That's what I think. You probably don't know this. The EC, the weird doll from Liftoff

the weird little featureless doll it's just basically a head with nothing on it right like no features right in my head I imagine it's like that's how

he sees people right but he does it when he's looking at you he's like oh yeah this guy has blue eyes and he's been unshaven da da da

right but then it's just like if he goes down the street and sees you in an hour right there's no thing of like oh yeah the street and sees you in an hour, there's no thing of like, oh, yeah, the blue eyes and the thing.

Yeah, that's the guy I saw before. Right. Which makes it even weirder. If it was like he literally doesn't see people, you'd be like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. It was weird when we did it with him because he was great. He was so good on that podcast.

And then I felt like once we got off stage, I felt like saying, so anyway, I'm Carl from the podcast from one second ago. I'm just constantly reintroducing myself. Yeah, right, right. But I don't know. He obviously has a game plan how he lives life. Of course. Well, with his family and stuff, right? Yeah.

People he works with. But isn't it, apparently you become very good at the things that uh most people probably don't pay too much attention because they don't need to yeah he pays more attention to so something like uh body type posture clothes i've heard that that's how you make those links yeah you become a lot more like oh yeah that's that necklace that that person is always wearing yeah yeah your other senses get heightened. Yeah. But hey, maybe one of these days.

I have asked him several times to do it when we've been up there or we've seen that he's down here. It's never quite worked out. But he always responds very enthusiastically. So I reckon one of these days it'll happen again. Yeah, man. He was great. That was man. He was great. That was awesome. He was great.

Huge fan of that guy. Absolutely. That was a very fun time. Go back and listen to that one, whatever that was. What a great back-to-back. Him, this actual genius, just educating us and also being very funny and telling us a lot of facts. And then Brendan Cowell just absolutely cunting us, not knowing what was going on. Absolutely decimating us for an hour.

That was great. Yeah. That was awesome. That place is knocked down now. Yeah. As is the want of every venue we use in Sydney or Brisbane. Yep. We do it and then they knock it down.

The dum-dum curse. It is fucking bizarre. Yeah. And if you ever think, oh, oh gee these boys have taken a while coming back to Sydney or Brisbane or whatever it's like yeah

well can you tell us where to fucking go because we spend so long finding a place and then we never go back to it again yeah I don't

yeah it is weird but I guess that happens you know there's plenty of places that we've done live pods at in Melbourne over the years that don't exist anymore yeah but it seems to be a shorter lifespan in it's a lot easier to then because we live in

melbourne so you go okay well let's go for a walk let's look in this place cool whereas we're doing everything remotely it's fucking hard to have an email and yeah fucking pain in the arse yeah it's shit i'll go on record as saying it's shit shit. Rachel Skyscott. Yep. Rachel Skyscott. Yeah, look, I reckon could easily be like an actress in a medical drama. Yep. I can see that flashing up over a character.

Got that feel. Pretty good. Maybe I'll go into the millionaire group. Have a look for her have a squeeze see if those sort of like what do you call it, not leading lady but those secondary actress vibes are correct whatever that means

one of the players one of the all saints players well you know not quite that I'm not thinking just fucking 7th bill or something I'm thinking 3rd'm not thinking just fucking seventh bill or something. I'm thinking, you know, third bill. Yeah. Which I think's pretty decent. Yeah.

I mean, look, I was, I was just a catalogue actor. Well, I wasn't. You weren't. That was, that was, that's what was offered to me. You were a catalogue offeree. Yeah. Could have been a model. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh yeah, I reckon I got the age right Yeah she's young Congratulations she just got engaged Oh wow If this is I'm assuming this is the same person Congratulations She's got a

Fiance with a beard A lot of them around these days Hey I've got a scoop She's saying nup to the cup Oh okay Going off the Facebook profile Do you know that from her profile? Yeah interesting A lot of them around these days. Hey, I've got a scoop. She's saying nup to the cup. Oh, okay. Going off her Facebook profile. Do you know that from her profile? That's it.

Yeah, interesting. That's how I find these things out. People say nup to... Well, I mean, you know, I think a lot of people don't really check their Facebooks all that often these days, and certainly it's easy to forget what your profile picture even is.

So who knows if she even thinks that way anymore? Yeah, she probably... She might have come back around on it. Yeah, she probably found out that the horse that got shot at the Melbourne Cup this year was a bit of a cunt. Right.

It's like, you know what? They had it coming. This is a good way of, you know, getting rid of some of these cunty horses. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe, you know, you're in a foreign country,

you actually, you eat horse for the first time. Yeah. It's fucking delicious. Yeah. I'm saying yup to the cup. Yeah. I'm going to be out there

hanging trackside hoping one gets off and then I can have a little nibble. I'm saying yum to the cum yep make a little make a little banner for the facebook profile picture that has that on it yeah oh all right all right we gotta go i'm feeling i'm still feeling i don't know what it is not not this door just uncomfortable yeah yeah yeah no i know it's like just dehydrated just because you want to be in my skin at the moment yeah i'd like to go to sleep and just get rid of

all of it do you ever have yeah when you're like sick or you're like hungover or whatever it is your brain just starts reeling and you're like there has to be a way of making this end when you're in something especially if it's if you're in making like a hangover is a classic one where you just you just like it you've you've been up for, like, an hour and you're like, oh, my God, a whole day of this. And you just, I just start brainstorming. I'm like, I know it's, I know there's no one in human history has found a way of just making this end.

Yeah. But maybe if I just think hard enough, I'll be able to come up with a solution where I don't have to be in this fucking cursed body anymore, living like this for the rest of the day. Yeah. Maybe I could go back and have not drunk last night. Okay, right.

I can't really do that. Yeah. It's a shame. Maybe I'll remember that next time. Yeah, yeah. That would be great if time travel was invented for that reason. That's the thing that got us over the line. You just go back and remind yourself to have one water for every beer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one killed Hitler. They're just getting have one water for every beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one killed Hitler. They're just getting a water in between every whiskey. Yep. The hungover doctor. Yep. That's great. That's funny, fellas.

Funny, fellas. Yep. The hungover scientist. I'm putting that in the master document. Put it in there. Put that in the master document. Put it in there. Just him spewing into test tubes.

That's good. Yep. Yep. Okay. Oh, yep. Him going eureka and then spewing into a test tube. I don't. Yep. Yep. Okay. Oh, yep. Him going Eureka and then spewing into a test tube. I don't mind that. Yep.

Okay. I'm adding it to this recently started master document that already has baby jail, baby bunnings, and then the lesbian baby underneath. Right. The hungover doctor. Yeah. There we go. Great.

We should do this at a live show. We should do it. You know, sometimes we'll go somewhere and do a stand-up show and then the podcast. We should do a live pilot of Funnyfellas somewhere. Yeah, totally. Totally. That'd be good. All right, last one.

Let's do the last one and the fifth one for this week, weirdly enough. Thank you very much to Diarrhea Comedy. Thanks, everyone. Bye. Goodbye.