The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 532 - Dave Hughes & Mike Goldstein

Episode Date: December 9, 2020

Everything is Rick as DAVE HUGHES and MIKE GOLDSTEIN squeeze us in before hitting the court! We hear all about their tennis rivalry, as well as who else Hughesy's beaten on the court. We also chat about Hughesy's recent viral tweets, get an insight into a particularly horrible slice of Melbourne comedy history, Tommy's been at a rally, Karl's child has learnt a new word, and Mike's been on a deranged road trip with Nick Capper. It's a jam-packed, bumper episode! NO THANK YEEEWWWWW. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave Hughes and Michael Goldstein. We will be back at the end of the episode to chat to you more in Talking Dum Dum, but until then, enjoy this new episode with Dave Hughes and Mike Goldstein. Hey, ladies. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. Joining us today, we have two very special guests. Please welcome Dave Hughes and Mike Goldstein. Hello. This podcast is getting in the way of a tennis match. It is. Which I have not booked yet.

I told Mike that I've explained to you that I haven't booked the courts. But Australian Open courts, mate, there's so many of them. You'd think so. But, you know, I showed up in my little shorts. I know. Got your racket there. It looks like a prank. You got your little shorts on.

You brought your racket. Hughes is in jeans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got my gear in the car if it doesn't get stolen. Yeah, we will play. Definitely, it'll be a court. If the weather holds out, we can go outdoors. If the weather doesn't hold out, we could be in trouble because there's only a few indoor courts.

It's true. They're getting resurfaced, actually, so they might already be closed. It might just be the outdoor courts. And even when we play indoor, it's usually professionals in there and we just look like rank amateurs. We got kicked off court last time, the other day,

by Sam Stozer, US Open winner. We didn't even notice her. She was like, oh no. And then a little bit later on, we said, hang on,

that's Sam Stozer. We were overstaying our welcome because you book for an hour and you try to play as long as you can and Mike is a glutton for punishment. Here we go. I figure if I let him win I can get on

and say, Husey, we have a problem. That's your problem. Terrible to think he's letting me win. You know, you better not be.

It's good to know you have the gear in the car because I wondered if what you were wearing was you trying to psychologically get in Mike's head. Like,

I'm so confident I can beat you in jeans and a denim jacket. I'll take you down in a Canadian tuxedo. I'm intrigued by this. The competitiveness of Dave Hughes in all around life and now you actually have an actual competition. How competitive you are with this. Now, there would not be...

I've heard that maybe... I don't know whether this was my goal scene or not. When I say that, I think it probably Definitely was Okay Dave Hughes plays tennis When he wins Oh congratulations mate Great match

Dave Hughes loses No handshake Is that true? Is that true? That might have been During COVID But Now

I'm out there On the court Breaking those rules But I will not touch you No one Likes losing But yeah I get disappointed When I lose but I will not touch you. No one likes losing, but yeah. I get disappointed when I lose, but I like to think that I congratulate you, Mike,

and let you know that you've done well. Usually very gracious, but I feel like if I win, there's definitely another match around the corner because you can't sit on that loss for too long. Is it a bit of double or nothing with you? No, I want to end it. I absolutely want to always finish on top and if I've got to come back the next day, I will.

But we're a very close match. But you know what I noticed the other day is how safe I was playing. It was like, I'm playing safe like a million dollars is on the line here. It's just I'm playing against another guy no one's watching and i'm like so nervous and i'm so like just timid and then i actually had that mindset and i changed you did you might have noticed man but i said i died i just went for it yeah

and i ended up winning you did inside the actor's court yeah there is a lot on the line mike like all of us, in comedy, a bit of a gossip. So if you lose, everyone's hearing about it. Lots of group chats are going to find out about Husey's crushing defeat. You know, I tag Husey in a tweet after I win, but weirdly no traction from Husey after that. Look, I've won the last two, though, haven't I, really?

Yeah, true. Look, I think Mike's already given up. I mean, this apartment isn't very big, but you've got your tennis racket with you. And, Astoria, you've just put it on top of my bin. I know there's not heaps of room here, but psychologically he's already given up. Thrown away. Metaphor, you're tanking this game.

Yeah, I'm throwing it out. I saw he was in the double denim, and I was like, fuck, mind games, fuck me. He's going to kill me. I'm meditating at the moment. I'm treating tennis as a meditation as well. So you see the ball and be the ball and live in the moment. But it means that I'm –

Like the great yogi, John McEnroe. You should be absolutely fine. That's your excuse. The calmest man in the world. If you miss a shot – no, I had my eyes closed. I was meditating. I was going om. I couldn't see the ball.

I'm more beyond Borg than McEnroe. But it means my senses are heightened when you meditate and when you're really quiet in the mind. And you know what I really noticed? Your building stinks. I know. It is absolutely. What is going on in this building?

What's going on down there? Just today, I don't know what's happened. I got out of my car. It reeks down there. What are you? Some kind of fucked sewerage or something like that. Oh, it's awful. Some kind of sewerage. Yeah. Let's awful. Some kind of sewerage.

Let's just say it's all sewerage. There's no different flavours. All creatures great and small. How many apartments in this building? Is it like 100? Something like that. Why, are you looking to get a new one for the portfolio? I'm smelling the remnants of 100 toilets.

Do you buy it now and kick whoever stinks out? Can you fix this? I went down there before and the building manager was there and he just sees me and he goes, I'm just, I'm like smelling the air going, Jesus Christ, what is this? And he goes, how's the podcast going? I'm like, man, how's the fucking cinch going?

Is this just small talk to try and like get me talking about myself and like forget? Can we go back to normal and have the podcast stinking more than the rest of the apartment? Yes, exactly. Yeah, like I said to you on the walk in here, I was like, should I play the Dave Hughes card and just see if I can get this cleaned up extra quickly if I tell him that Hughes is coming through?

We kept walking, no doubt about it. Yeah. So speaking of playing tennis with Mike Goldstein, you also, speaking of friends of the show and sporting, you play squash with Ben Lomas. Yes. Now, who's the better player? Is Ben Lomas a better squash player

or is Goldstein a better tennis player? Also, can you start playing against people that aren't open micers? It's all a power trip. It's all a power trip for him. I like to be the most well-known on whatever platform. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as I'm the most well-known wherever I am,

I'm really happy. I hate when it's closed. You must be wrapped right now. I'm not happy I hate when it's close You must be wrapped right now I'm not happy that your building manager Was talking about your podcast See that annoys me I didn't even come out To mention anything about my career But no Ben Lomas

Good squash player Mike good tennis player But similar I reckon Sometimes he'll beat Ben Sometimes he beats me That hurts That does hurt Lomas weighs 120 kilos I know He's That does hurt. No, he's pretty good.

Lomas weighs 120 kilos. I know. He's stacked it on again. I heard he's put on, I want to play him again. So fit Lomas, maybe I'll take that. But Lomas now? I haven't seen, I haven't played him since COVID is finished. Or I haven't played him since, I heard he's put on 20 kilos. So I want to play him soon.

I remember playing him a while back. When you say you heard, you mean you just heard the ground vibrating from your house in Tickilda? You heard that the courts were booked out down there and there was only one person in there. I think it was him I was playing in squash and he had a suck on his ventilator at one point. I thought, that's cheating. I think that's performance enhancing. I think ventilators should be banned from the squash court. Right, right.

But I'd love to run someone into the ground so much on the squash court or the tennis court. I run Mike around a lot as well, but he's got a bit fitter, Mike. He holds on a bit longer. I do. Yeah, well, because you're very consistent. He doesn't let much by him and he just floats it back, waits for me to fuck up.

It's all mine. I put it one side to the other side. A bit of clay court stuff. I'm just, yeah. I play the percentages. Move him off. One side to the other side. Bit of clay court stuff. I'm just, yeah. I play the percentages. Move him around. Move him around the court. But I would love for someone I'm playing to have a heart attack.

That's the goal. That's how you'll do it. And then I'd go, yeah, well, sorry. Are you going to concede or not? Just so you think I did that. Like, yeah. That's a nice little trophy. And I'm not ringing the ambulance until you admit that I won today.

So then I'll ring the ambulance. So you turned 50 this year. I think Lomas turned 40 this year. So if you could put Lomas in an ambulance, someone a decade your junior, what a fucking badge of honour. Absolutely. You're right. He's not alive anymore. He's not even a headliner.

No. Yeah, yeah. I've got a plaque up next to the squash court. He's got less kids than you. This is where Dave Hughes killed Ben Lerner. He's great. I'm officially not as good as Dave Hughes. His dying words are, you win.

This is like the, you know, remember hearing about like the old American club comics who will have an opener who's like deliberately a bit shit just so they can come on it. That's, that's Husey with his like – I want to play people who are good and Mike and Ben are both good. I think I've got them both covered. I'm not going to lie about it. We're close. But I'm saying this.

I've given you ammunition for half of this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How old are you, Mike? How old are you? 39. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, I know. You've got some years on me. If you ever feel a Mike? How old are you? 39. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, I know.

You've got some years on me. If you ever feel a bit against the ropes and you need an ego boost, I'm happy to hit the court with you because you'd have an absolute. Look, the only time I want to play someone who's really bad at tennis is if they're a hot chick and you're not. Right. I had no idea. No offense.

So that was Sam Stoser that we got kicked off by last week. Because you remember we met her like three years ago. We did, yes. And you introduced me. You knew her from something. You introduced me to her. She won a major, didn't she? Yeah.

She was open. Well, that was the thing. She beat Serena Williams. Yeah. Well, that was what he introduced me. And he goes, oh, Mike goes back and watches the US Open every year. And she goes, oh, that's cool. And I said, yeah, have you ever been?

And as it was leaving my mouth, I was like, she won it. She beat Serena. And I was like, I'm an absolute asshole. Dave's just shaking his head. Did you have this moustache at the moment? Because you do look a bit like a pickup artist. Deliberately nagging her.

Dave was just shaking his head. And I was like, all right. Great. So you guys are like a married couple. You guys are. Yeah. Great. I know. Yeah. Great. So you guys are like a married couple. You guys are like a long, you're like the Woodfords. Yeah.

The Woodies, I should say. They don't talk anymore. No. Yeah. Todd Woodbridge and Mark Woodford. Yeah, yeah. The Woodies.

If you don't, you know you're sporting. Tommy doesn't. Tommy might know. He's not a big sport. You know the Woodies? Remember the Woodies? Oh, I know the Woodies.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Not from Toy Story. No, they're talking about tennis. Oh, right. No, I don't. Mark, what about you? Do you know the Woodies? Yeah, the Woodies Yeah Not from Toy Story No they're talking about tennis Oh right No I don't Mike what about you Do you know the Woodies

Yeah well just because He's like host He does a lot of Channel 9 shit Todd Woodbridge does But you don't remember Back in the day You probably don't know

From America Because here it was like Oh the greatest thing In the world These world champs But everywhere else In the world Was probably like

Who gives a fuck It's doubles tennis Brothers Doubles players No they had the Bryan Brothers America had the Bryan Brothers Yeah America had the Bryan Brothers. Yeah, I know the Bryan Brothers for sure.

Yeah, but the Woodies were our version of the Bryan Brothers. I think the Bryan Brothers won like 17 majors and they won like three. And we were like, we won more than three, mate. You don't... Come on. Not as many as the Bryan Brothers. But the Woodies, they won at least 10, I reckon. I need to Google that.

But yeah, they won at least 10, I reckon. I need to Google that, but yeah. But they don't talk. What happened to the other one? Because Todd is all over coverage. Mark Woodford, the redhead, he went to America, and I believe he lives in America, and he was on a podcast recently where he said that he'd had a falling out with Todd. And I actually rang Todd to ask him about the falling out,

trying to get Todd on the radio to talk about his falling out with the other Woody. And he said the falling out was news to him. He didn't know he'd had a falling out. And he said, I better contact my Woody mate to find out what went wrong. A lot of time over in America to stew on double faults and things like that over the years. The thing is, if you're a doubles duo and then you go and play with someone else, I'm saying the person you were playing with would be upset. That's what it was, wasn't it?

Because he went and played with Jonas Bjorkman or something like that? I think he might have been a Bjorkman issue. It was definitely a Scandinavian issue, I think. God, I love Scandinavian tennis players, don't you? Stefan Edberg. Matt Zveilander. Oh, Matt Zveilander. I played tennis with Matt Zveelander

Once Compared to Goldstein Yeah He's better than Goldstein Oh He's just getting On news.com.au He won about

Seven slams Oh yeah He won seven slams But I played It was me Him Adam Hills And this guy

Who Trick shot guy Who'd go to all The grand slams And play the Celebrity matches I can't remember his name He was Armenian Or something I don't know He was really good who trick shot guy who'd go to all the Grand Slams and play the celebrity matches. I can't remember his name. I think he was Armenian or something.

I don't know. He was really good at trick shots. But that was about as nervous as it's ever been. There was about 3,000 people, I reckon, watching at one of the courts in the Australian Open. And I was just trying to get a serve in and just try not to hit Matt Zwielander in the back of the head with my serve.

Oh, God, I was nervous. God, I was nervous. That would be the first time you played tennis in front of a crowd, surely. Well, yeah, absolutely. The biggest crowd I ever played in front of, and it was frightening. That would be killer because, I mean, you're used to playing in crowds. You're given occupation, but all of a sudden you're trying to show off of your hobby. Yes.

Yeah, and all of a sudden it's hard to get a serve in. Yeah, yeah. And Mike knows how good I am at getting serves in. I mean, they're slow but they get in, don't they? They're all set in.

How many double faults do I do in a match? Maybe one, maybe two. It's not a lot. It's frustrating. It's fucking frustrating. You are so subservient in this conversation.

You really do feel like the little pony that's been shipped out to hang out with the big horse at the Melbourne Cup. Dude, you know, I know my place and I'm just trying to occupy that. I didn't know tennis cuck was a job. Total tennis cuck.

We could go either way today. The Australian Open next year, you know, they're doing a lot of players coming out and quarantining before. But, you know, things might go wrong. They might be left with less people to compete. You could be a chance of being called up i've been usually competing in the australian i've dreamt about that i've had that like proper dreams we're in the final of the of the open you know and yeah it's a great dream so yeah is there is there is there's not a tennis seniors tour is it there's not like a there is i think it's like exhibitions and stuff yeah they just like just

fuck around and you know McEnroe and Pat Cash gets on what's the bloke who's the French guy that's all he's the funny guy oh Guy Fourget

or Henri Leconte that's it he's the one who thinks he's a bit of a comic yeah he gets on the coverage and yeah

yeah yeah he can get a bit tired does a bit of slapstick yeah yeah all that stuff I went and watched one of those matches by accident when I was at the Open went and watched one of those matches by accident

when I was at the Open once and didn't know what it was. Didn't know that it was meant to be old guys fucking around. Yeah, right. I'm there with my mum and she's like, what's going on? These guys have got, these men have got absolutely no respect for the game and then look into it and realise like, no, this is like Harlem Globetrotters. You're not supposed to serve four balls at once. This is a joke.

Yeah, well, you told me a story about Hilsey once. You guys played on a day that was so hot. Yeah, it was 45-degree day. You did at some stage play people that were of the same reasonable profile as you. This is interesting. Well, it's got nothing to do with profile. It has to do with that. He happens to be a comedian.

I'll play anyone with a similar standard of tennis to me because it's a great day out but he made hilsey play put off on this podcast but a true story me and hilsey playing 45 degree day like one of the hottest days melbourne's ever had we're playing at albert no in Albert Park, there's courts in Albert Park. They're like, anyway, we're playing. Winner hosts the gala. Yeah,

well, it's 45 degrees and we're playing and he says, mate, we've got to stop and I said, why?

He said, my foot snapped. He's, you know, he's got an artificial foot. It had snapped in the heat. Absolutely broken and I said,

well, I win. But you know what? He's still annoyed to this day because we went back and he had paid. It was his turn to pay for the court. And he said to the guy, you know, in the little office, can we get a refund? Or, you know, because my foot snapped. And the guy knew who he was but didn't realize he had an artificial foot.

Right. And he knew he was a comedian and thought he was joking. Okay. And didn't give him a refund. A couple of different things going on there. So he never got a refund. That's amazing to not know that you've got an artificial foot and to hear the phrase, my foot snapped, and not be that put off by it, not be that freaked out.

But also to hear like, oh, can I have a refund because my foot snapped? Well, my cord didn't snap. That's not my problem. Maybe the guy did know and just didn't want to give him a refund. Yeah, well, there was no one else playing, so he probably needed the $20 that we're offering him. Yeah, he probably looked at Adam Hills and Dave Hughes and went, I reckon you're okay to be down $20, actually.

I tell you what, Hills, he wanted that money back. Oh, really? Yeah, ABC mustn't pay that well. So you won that round by default. Yeah. So he doesn't have the Dave Hughes gene where he's then like

chasing you up to have a rematch to get another win back on the board. We have played a number of times, me and Helsey. So yeah, I reckon

I've just got him covered as well, to be honest. Will Anderson? I don't think he plays tennis. But I've beaten, who have I beaten

in my day? I've beaten a lot of AFL stars. Nathan Buckley, the AFL coach. I just read his autobiography where he said he was a lot of AFL stars. Nathan Buckley, the AFL coach. Yeah. He, I just read his autobiography

where he said he was a tennis champion as a junior. I took him out to beat him 6-4-6-4. Who else? Great. He's loving this.

You are loving this. I've been playing Chris Judd, another AFL star. He's got a tennis court at his house. Oh. With Beck Judd, who's famous as well.

So she'll be inside putting music on. Remember the other day we said, Judd, he said, well so she'll be inside putting music on so I remember the other day we said Judd he said no music we don't want to play with music

it's not a nightclub we're beat him a couple times he's beaten me the last couple times beat him on his own court on his own court yeah that is the ultimate

in front of his wife yeah well I remember we walked through the house and I was like is he going to tell her is he going to tell her that he's just

had his ass whipped out there and then she asked how'd you go and he said no I didn't house and I was like, is he going to tell her? Is he going to tell her that he's just had his ass whipped out there? And then she asked, how'd you go? And he said, no, I didn't win. That's tennis cut. Not I didn't win. He said that he didn't say you won. He just ruled himself out from winning.

I'd won. Yeah. But anyway, he's won like Brownlow medal. You know what that means, mate. So you're the better athlete is what you're saying. Well, I would like to think so. 20 years my junior as well. Who's on your wish list? Who do you want to, you know,

are there any like comedians or celebs out there that you want to take down on the court? Do you ever go to a comedy show and see someone killing on stage and go, I want to fucking take you down on the court. I reckon I'd get you 6'3", 6'2". That's being invited over to Carson's couch. You know you're killed

if Hughsey offers to play you a tennis. I did a gig the other night in Newcastle with Shannon Knowlesy Knowles and he says he plays. So I want to take on Knowlesy. Hughsey and Knowlesy out there.

That'd be good. Yeah. Great. That's one. You wouldn't have beaten Ash Williams. He is a weapon. Yeah.

Look, Ash Williams, yeah. You know what? I've beaten Ash Williams. We all know Ash Williams. Comedian of sorts. Google him if you don't know him. You know what? I've beaten Ash Williams. We all know Ash Williams. Comedian of sorts.

Yeah. Google him if you don't know him. You'll find many photos with his shirt off. Yeah. Rarely got a shirt on. Sure. Handsome man. A bit Zoolander-ish, I think, which is fair to say.

Yeah. Not using a Hansel from Zoolander. Yeah. Hansel. Very Hansel. Right. But with a better body. I beat him the first time we played, mate.

Really? Yeah. He was hungover. I had no the first time we played, mate. Really? Yeah, he was hungover. I had no idea how good he was. And I was in my probably zenith of playing tennis, and I beat him. And he's beaten me about 200 times since. It's the only time I ever beat him.

He's a good player. And you've given him nothing since then. No. No opportunities. He's in my head. Honestly, I can't get him now i just whenever i get close to beating him he just he just beats me but the great leveler is that he bombs on stage so you go all right well let's give him that you can't have it all yeah exactly but he's gonna

hear this now he's a very funny man that's a very funny man mike says you're a funny man so yeah well because he shat on me on his podcast. Did he? Because we went to the Australian Open final this year. Yes. And he made it be known on his podcast that he was the first one to be asked before me. Oh, right. Yeah. And then he said, yeah, and I beat Goldstein at tennis all the time as well. And I messaged him because people were contacting me saying, listen to Ash's last podcast.

Little podcast snitches. Little snitches out there. Plenty of that going on. Anytime I talk about my wife, it gets back to her. My wife's never listened to a podcast in her life, but she knows everything that fucking goes on on this thing. Yeah, right. Can't you have some private time?

Exactly. I'm relabeling this. This is the Las Vegas of podcasts, all right? What happens on Dumb Dumb Club stays on Dumb Dumb Club. Kind of silence, people. Surprised you agreed to come on, Husey, because we've been

teeing off for the last few months. Kidding. No, I mean, I'm happy to be talked about, let's be honest. Yeah, yeah. I'm trending on Twitter again, so...

You have had a bit of a go on Twitter recently, haven't you? I have, yeah. I've actually gone off it lately because I'm just, yeah. I don't mind, when one of your tweets goes up,

I just go straight into the mentions to see what happens. It's like, oh, there's some people not happy with you at the moment. But even also, if I don't look, people will just text me, oh, man, you've really given it to me. It's great, though, when you start trending on Twitter, you hear from people you haven't heard from for years.

People like Lockie Hume. You know Lockie Hume, the actor? He's like, man, what's happening on Twitter? I said, what the fuck? You haven't rang me for 10 years. Rhys Muldoon. You know Rhys Muldoon the actor on the other side. Man, what's happening on Twitter? What the fuck? You haven't rang me for 10 years. Rhys Muldoon. You know Rhys Muldoon?

Yeah, another great actor. He's ringing me. What the fuck, man? Be careful out there. I said, mate, it's just Twitter. Fuck off. What I was enjoying was you put out some opinions and some thoughts about, you know, during the pandemic. You know, you got your own thoughts on things.

Mate, we're all stewing our own juices. Especially in Melbourne. Everyone's got a bit too much time to think and whatever. And I understand that people out there in lockdown, you know, maybe think about things a bit too much when they've got nothing on and they've lost all their livelihood. And, of course, Dave, you don't have that excuse because you've kept every fucking job you've got.

So we'll rule that excuse out. No, but the 5K radius, he's angry because he can't get from one end of his house to the other. Oh, right, right. That's why he's shitty about it. There we go, there we go. Can I use that? Yeah, just go for it.

I was talking about the 5K radius last night, in fact, but that's a good line. I don't normally take other people's lines, but if you give it to me, that's... What am I going to do with it? We're in Tommy's house right now. It's fucking four metres by five metres. He can't use it.

Stinks of sewage. What am I doing with a line like that? It's a great spot though. You're in East Melbourne. You're across the road from the MCG. Yeah, let's absolutely

tell everyone at home where Tommy lives. Yeah, let's give out all the details. Hit the MCG in Melbourne and just follow the smell and you'll get there. But I did like looking

at all the mentions in there when you put something out there. No, I get it. And then looking at All the mentions in there When you put something out there No I get it And then you look at the mentions And then it was like One thing struck me Which was The people

Like people were arcing up Or whatever When you were like Having opinions And stuff like that The one thing that got me was When I saw Comedians agreeing with you

I just Put myself in your head And thought Fuck The calibre of comedians That are agreeing with you On this point I think I'd change My fucking opinion If those people Agreed with me put myself in your head and thought, fuck, the calibre of comedians that are agreeing with you on this point,

I think I'd change my fucking opinion if those people agreed with me. I'm not going to get political on this podcast. But I appreciate you looking at the mentions, and I understand why you do that. It's the equivalent of up the back of the room at a comedy show. It's an example. Someone copping it. Example when there's a pile on it and when Sheldon Freud gets you in trouble. It was once, I'm not naming names.

I don't know if I've talked about it on this podcast or not, but there was a comedian copping it because of something they were doing on TV. Absolutely copping it. Not funny. Shit. I swear to God, I was 40 comments in to this person absolutely copping it when I read this. The only person unfunnier than this guy

is Dave Hughes. 40 fucking... I've got 40 comments. So you should have been early. 40 comments. I should have been out early. Right, right. I should have copped...

Shut up. I should have gone... I should have got my fill three comments of someone else getting slagged upon and then gone, I'm happy now, but no, I had to go 40 deep and I fucking got what I deserved.

You can't feel too sad about it. I got what I deserved. now, but now I have to go 40 deep, and I've fucking got what I deserve. You can't feel too sad about it. I've got what I deserve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why isn't the comedy cops at the back? Like, it doesn't matter what you do, your name goes out there, someone just goes, nah. Not funny. Nah.

Not funny. Nah. You know, I think there's an increase in that these days. This might be me personally, but if I meet someone, and I never say I do comedy or anything like that, but someone else will go, this guy does comedy. I reckon it's on the up. People going, be funny then.

Tell us a joke. I thought that was gone. No, that's terrible. I've copped it a lot lately. No, that was, I mean, you know what, the worst, I used to hate that the most is when you were wanting to be a comedian but you were not, you know, making a living at it. Yeah.

And that's so, you it. We get it. Don't worry. I'm sitting right here. We're playing the rent. We're all making a living. And then it's like people, you reckon you're a comedian, are you? Oh, yeah. We'll fucking prove it.

He's a monkey boy. Everyone just lies. If your profile's not high enough, you just make up a profession, right? And especially in an Uber, when they ask you what you do, you never say comic, right? Because that discussion's fucking terrible. And I used to say graphic designer. And then one time he asked me,

like he was obviously in the graphic design game. And he asked me like, what platform do you use? And I said, Adobe. And he fucking, because it was just, I panicked, right? I said nothing. That's a fair guess. Is it? I reckon, Adobe. and he fucking because it was just I panicked right I said nothing that's a fair guess is it I reckon

Adobe if that was really his question platform yeah then yeah I mean sure

well Adobe's a company that makes programs oh so I did well fuck it's okay it's an odd question did Adobe peak

many years ago I feel like Adobe got taken over by other companies no in the graphic design are they still up there? Are they? Adobe.

They're still the industry standard. They make Photoshop. You're an expert in this field, aren't you? I went to uni for graphic design. Well, fuck, there you go. He's a graphic designer.

All right, shit. I thought he just totally caught me in my bullshit and then it was fucking tense the rest of the run and I was like,

five stars, just so, you know, I'm just lying to this guy's face. But I mean, it's not wrong information. Saying Adobe isn't wrong information, five stars, just so, you know, I'm just lying to this guy's face. But I mean, it's not wrong information. Saying Adobe isn't wrong information, but it is a weird, it's a slightly weird answer to the question of what platform.

It's like saying that you do comedy, where do you do comedy, and then you just name the brand of microphone that you use. It's sort of like, it's a bit too high above, you know what I mean? It's not wrong, but it's just a very vague. It's like saying, you know, I host a TV show and you go, what channel? Instead of asking what the show is. Yeah, very true. That's great.

Channel 10, oh, that's sick. Well done. No more questions. I get that channel. Survivor's on there. I love that channel. Well done, you. I like the vibe over there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I caught one the other day that was a girl. Someone said, oh, yeah, these guys are all comedians. Yeah. And she goes, cool, be funny. And I go, oh, you've got to pay me first. And she's like, cool, is that real or is that you just said that

because you don't have anything better to say? And I was like, yeah, you've actually got me there. Bit of both, really. Yeah, yeah. It's a good banter. I like it. I like be's a good banter I like it I like be funny As opposed to tell us a joke

Yeah Tell us a joke is like Direct maybe you have one on deck At the top of your head Do material But be funny is just like What take a tumble off the chair Yeah

Punch yourself in the balls Yeah I remember one night I was in Sydney With Luke McGregor Late at night And we were at a kebab shop You know me and Luke McGregor

Yeah Date night Yeah I was getting recognised Luke's obviously well known McGregor late at night, and we were at a kebab shop, you know, me and Luke McGregor. Date night? Yeah. I was getting recognised. Luke's obviously well-known, but I was getting recognised more in this kebab shop. It was not my fault. I wasn't trying to, you know, anyway. Well done, man.

That's awesome. One bloke, this drunken bunch, and, you know, obviously Luke's a legend, but one bloke said, oh, yeah, yeah, that guy's a comedian too. And then so all these drunks just turned to luke and he did not want to be noticed and then they're going he goes yeah and he goes and one of them says tell us a joke and um and i joined in yeah i said come on tell us a joke and he told a joke and um it wasn't a joke. It bombed. It bombed. It fucking bombed.

It was a bab shop. And someone just said that's just a statement. It was a pretty good comeback. Yeah, yeah. I can't remember what it was but it was. It was a statement.

It was a statement of fact. It wasn't particularly funny. I had a horror moment like that once. In my bridging the career of being a graphic designer which I was and then going into full-time comedy,

there was a point there where I was doing a lot of gigs while still working in the job. And we went to a Christmas party and then everyone got like loaded up and whatever. And then we got on the bus, we were on a bus, we were on the bus to go home. Everyone's pissed.

And then people start going, hey Chandler, get up, tell us a joke. And I'm like, nah, not going to happen. But everyone's drunk on a bus over and it catches on. Then everyone's like, yeah, going, hey, Chandler, get up, tell us a joke. And I'm like, nah, not going to happen. But everyone's drunk on a bus over and it catches on.

Then everyone's like, yeah, yeah, nah, come on, jump up and tell us a joke. And I'm like, nah, I'm not going to do that. Yeah, come on. Then my girlfriend, who's now my wife, gets up and goes, yeah, Carl, what are you fucking waiting for? I'm like, oh, my God. Unreal. Don't you know better than this?

Yep. Fuck, it drove me insane. Did you Don't you know better than this? Yeah. Fuck, it drove me insane. Did you cave? Did you get up? No, not at all. You still feel bad about it, don't you? No, I feel bad that my wife said that. You could have taken that cruise, mate.

That was your time to shine. You get one chance, as Eminem said. It was your moment. I can just see. You can't. You see me right in there there And that's the difference Between the two of you He's just got that

Killer instinct I was like 18 months into comedy With that build up There's like 60 people Going No I don't like you And then I'd get up

And go Has anyone noticed The use by date on milk Is that 18 months in Well you can't just get off You know If you had a bomb

You would have jumped Yeah yeah yeah Fucking swim to shore, you know. I was on a bus, to be clear, by the way. I thought it was a boat. It was a bus. No, it was on a bus. Am I the only person who thought it was a boat?

Yeah. You said bus, yeah? Yeah. I don't know. Am I having a stroke? It's that sewage smell getting to you. You kept referring to it. Well, a bus.

You could have got off the bus, mate. You should have fucking done it. Yeah. You kept referring to it as a cruise, and I thought, what a cute way of referring to a bus trip. I like this. Cruising down the highway. You guys You kept referring to it as a cruise, and I thought, what a cute way of referring to a bus trip. I like this. Cruising down the highway. You guys don't know this.

The Vietnam of comedy in Melbourne, which was bus every Saturday night. I've heard about this. The only way to make any money as a comedian back in the early, no, mid-90s in Melbourne, really,

was to do host bus tours on a Saturday night for bucks parties and hens parties. Oh, right. And you were advertised as the comedian on the bus. And, like, no one knew who I was back then at all. So you'd drive out to an outer suburb of Melbourne and you'd meet the bus out there because, you know, you didn't even get – the bus didn't even take you out there.

You had to meet the bus out there. The bus can't swing past you. They can't. And so you didn't know what you didn't even get, the bus didn't even take you out there. You had to meet the bus out there. The bus can't swing past you. They can't. And so you didn't know what you were going to get. You didn't know what sort of nutters were going to be out there. And some of them were scary. I remember one night I was out at Diamond Creek and it was just, there was like an 18th or a 21st and they were aggressive young men,

really aggressive. And I got out there and they were sculling whiskey and I was like, they were going to fucking wreck Melbourne that night. And I got out there and they were sculling whiskey and I was like, they were going to fucking wreck Melbourne that night. And I was the comedian on the bus. And I've done- With a group of people like that, as soon as you put a target on yourself, like, I'm a comedian, that is not good either.

That age too. Yeah. What, so are you, you're on the bus for like the whole, it's like a- You're just hosting. You're on it for the whole thing. From eight o'clock at night through to two o'clock in the morning, you are meant to be funny in between nightclubs. Right. But they know you're a comic.

You're a comedian. It's called Laughter Unlimited. Right. You're advertised as the funny person on the bus to make their night just a great experience. That was the name of it, Laughter Unlimited. Laughter Unlimited. Wow.

That's fucking awesome. You're like a comedy smorgasbord Mate it was It was stressful Bring it back I just remember this one night And I've turned this into a At the time it became

A comedy routine Where these blokes just And I didn't want to be noticed Because I didn't want to Have to start being funny Before the fucking bus turned up You know So

But then one bloke said Who are you And I said I'm the comedian And he goes Tell us a joke you cunt Just It was really That was stressful night One's like, who are you? And I said, I'm the comedian. And he goes, tell us a joke, you cunt. It was really stressful night. Is that how you got into radio? Because people were just enjoying travelling whilst listening to you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this gives me an idea. But also, you'd have to try to get them in and out of the nightclub. So you'd be walking up, you'd have the bus driver. So you're sober being a chaperone as well. You've got to be a chaperone. You'd be going to a nightclub and go, guys, we've got to go back on the bus driver. So you're sober being a chaperone as well. You've got to be a chaperone. You'd go into a nightclub and go, guys, we've got to go back on the bus.

And they'd go, we're fucking talking to these chicks. What are you doing while they're in the nightclub? Are you just in the bus with the window down and the radio on? I'm just like waiting for them. You're crying most of the time. You walk these people. Often though, hen's nights are often worse than a bus ride. Oh, way worse.

You're dodging plastic dicks. Are you in the nightclub and like randoms are coming up going, are you a comedian, mate? Tell us a joke. I'm saving it for the bus, mate, alright? If you want to hear something, get on the bus. You'd have the list to get them into the nightclub because, you know, that was your special thing is you'd get them in and they didn't have to line up.

And you'd walk them past the bouncer and then once you could go to the bouncer, he's meant to be a comedian. He's shit. Did you have bus-related gear? Like a lot of specific. Not on the bus. I don't know what I need to get by. It was like the joy of driving home at 2 o'clock in the morning knowing you survived.

Yeah. It was epic. A guy I knew did one one night and they didn't like him. And on the bus, he said, on the way back to wherever, some outer suburb, they wrestled him to the ground on the bus. He's only a little bloke. They wrestled him like a real 40, 50 kilo guy, tiny. They wrestled him and squeezed him.

Just narrowing it down for all of us thinking about who it could be. Yeah. They squeezed his nuts so hard, he said he almost passed out. Jesus. Just some good old-fashioned assault. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. He's a comedian on the bus, and that's what they did to him.

Oh, my God. And left him lying on the bus as they all got off. Oh, wow. How long did this company operate for before they got presumably shut down by the police? Yeah. I don't know. Years. Absolutely years.

Did he go back and do more gigs on the bus after his... I think he might have. Oh, God. It's just epic. Get it back. It's like... Bring it back. Surely now it would be like Nick Capper hosting a... Oh, yeah.

I'd be right on there. ...for drunken idiots. It was cash. It was like 200 bucks. Actually, you do all the worst gigs, Golston. You'd be straight on to that. Oh, dude. If I got the offer, even if they don't pick you up and drop you off,

I'd drive to a bus. That sounds so bad. Mate, it's a living. It was a living. Yeah. Given the rough time frame I get the impression this was, would it be fair to assume that Dave O'Neill did a few of these back in the day?

I don't know if he ever did, actually. I reckon there's one thing that he didn't do. Dave Grant, the the late great Dave Grant used to do them absolutely there was one guy who did them who just pretended

to be Irish the whole time he wasn't Irish but he just pretended to be Irish he was a handsome sort of guy and yeah

he's an Irish accent and I think he used to pick up a lot on the buses until they squeezed his nuts so hard he did his real voice yeah

that's the thing if you if they existed now yeah of course you would get your nick kappa types doing them but you'd also get your real dodgy operators putting their hands up to do their hands no yeah like you said absolutely yeah there would have been opportunities that is not that i got any of them but yeah that is such a i'd love to see that come back. Because that actually sounds like a good product. If I was going on a trip with like 10 mates or something like that and someone assigns us as a comedian, the fucking dream.

That would be so... Like, if they're funny, great. If they're not funny, even better. That's it. It's like you almost don't need anyone even half good. Just get an open mic-er. Yeah. Because all they're going to do is absorb bullets for four hours anyway. who gives a fuck what the quality of the act is this is my dream

this is my dream music and i think you would be into this christmas party for comedians it's coming up to christmas now we get you know you get 10 15 20 mains you sit inside like a small pub you hire a comedian you don't give them the context of what the Christmas party's for, they walk out, see 20 other comedians, and go, oh, fuck, I'm about to have the worst gig of my life. And they just bomb for 20 minutes to us. No, that is joy. There's Dave O'Neill right now.

Will I ask him if he's done a bust? Yeah, put him on the air. Put him on speaker. Dave, we're doing Dumb Dumb Club. You're on speaker, man. So, all right. Yeah. Mike Goldstein's here as well. We're on speaker, man. So, all right. Yeah.

My gold scene's here as well. We're asking, I'm talking about the bus trips we used to do. Did you ever do those bus tours, laughter unlimited bus tours on a Saturday night? Yeah, I went on one once. The guy tried to get me on. I went on once and I went on a few and I never did. So you went to watch. You went to watch to see how it was done. He drove the bus. I went on once and I went on a few and I never did. So you went to watch.

You went to watch to see how it was done. You drove the bus. I went to watch. You've got to remember, people went wise on those trips and stuff. But you went and you got the big busload of guys, remember, and the Maori guy confronted you. You saw a routine about it. I did, yeah. I had to stop a fight one night between two men,

which I later realised were father and son. And I ended up bleeding because I was stopping this fight between these two blokes. And it was his Bucks party. And his dad was beating him up and he's crying on the bus. It truly is laughter unlimited. That's the sort of thing Mike Goldstein would be doing now. Yeah, we just said that.

We covered that. Thanks, Dave. Nice to see how you're viewed in the comedy thing Mike Goldstein would be doing now. Yeah, we just said that. We covered that. Thanks, Dave. Nice to see how you're viewed in the comedy industry, Goldstein. Oh, no, it's good. A thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters. Hang on, Dave. Hang on, Dave. We're all talking.

What was that? One more thing, Dave. What do you got? I went on one and a guy put on like a Scottish accent. No, the Irish accent guy. He was the king of it, mate. He was the main man. Yeah, and he wasn't Scottish.

He was like from Brighton. No, he wasn't Irish. He wasn't Irish. Anyway, have a good one. All right. Oh, okay. I'm just calling this, I was going to say, a burgeoning Zoom career. Some of those amateurs know nothing about it.

The Zoom gigs are the new bus tours. Mate, yeah, they are. I've got a double booking on Friday night. It's at 5.30. So Dave's going to have to host a trivia night before I come on. Oh, great. But apparently the comedy was meant to be the warm-up for the trivia. Oh, right.

But we're going to have to swap it around so the trivia is the warm-up for the comedy. They actually said we want them nice and warm For the trivia Great So that was our job Great Great

Alright see ya Alright mate bye Bye Dave See Dave Funny Well it's good to know that You know It kind of doesn't matter

Who we get on the show The riffs are just going to End up exactly the same Regardless of who's here All of our guests Are at a similar standard. All the same topics, have the same jokes. Yeah, everyone shits on me.

That's cool. Oh, jeez. What about this? I've got my daughter now that she's going into daycare. So I've got, you've gone through all that, Susie. It's sort of like a bit of a new experience for me. So you drop her off a couple of times a bit of a new experience for me so that you drop her off

a couple of times a week once or twice a week and I went in to have a look at the venue or whatever whatever you call it the nursery whatever it is

and you go fuck this is pretty good like I wouldn't mind hanging out here this is not what I did when I was little don't say that in public I want to hang out in here

oh hey they've got a Thai chef so absolutely so it's all brand new it's all nice it's all on different levels and whatever i'm like this looks like this is good about 20 months 21 months so um they do this thing where you know they give you the whole spear when you go in there and whatever and then they give you updates every day they'll like um

send through a an email where they'll take like heaps of pictures and um and my wife gets extremely upset because for whatever reason my child goes fucking missing when they pull out the camera and so every day the pictures come through no pictures of our kid and we go and then the rest of the day is like my wife going has our kid did a fucking runner where's our kid she should be front and center she should be the star of the photo exactly exactly so she gets So she gets extremely shitty, and I have to be like, look, I'm sure they're doing their best, and it's like, it's not fucking good enough. I'm ringing them up.

We've got to get some camera action here. It's like the pictures aren't even very good because it's someone walking around with an iPhone just like willy-nilly doing this. They're all blurry. They're fucking terrible pictures, to be honest. Where do the pictures go up? So on the nurseries.

Yeah, there's some sort of website that's like just for us. Just to know that your child's still alive. But so you're mad there's not pictures... They make them hold up today's paper and everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so you're mad there's not more pictures of your kid on the internet. Yeah, yes. No, but

it's behind a paywall. It's also like they're blurry shit photos that I want my kid to be in. Everyone's like that. They could be in there for all... She could be in there for all you know. They're just such bad photos that you can't see her. These other kids aren't cuter than your kid.

Your kid's cuter than their kid. Surely. This is bullshit, man. I'm angry on your behalf. Yeah, yeah. Look, in the top 30%, I reckon. Definitely. There's some mingers in there for sure.

Yeah, yeah. So that goes around. You get to see the pictures. We have some, I have to calm down my wife at some point because she wants to ring them up and go, retake the pictures, put them back in there, send it back out again, whatever. So we go through all of that. Now, the thing that I find interesting is that you go there at the end of the day,

you pick up your kid, and the reports that you're getting, because everything's so personalized and whatever. So you sort of go, oh, did she eat well today? And they just go yeah did she sleep well yeah sleeping and then you yeah you come home and the baby goes insane because they haven't slept all day they jump in the car they start eating the fucking seatbelt because they haven't eaten all day like they're just so full of shit let's tell you whatever on the sleeping thing we were like keep that kid. We want them to sleep at night. Yeah, really? Yeah, we were the opposite.

We were like, make them stay awake. Here's a Red Bull. Yeah, look, they spent half their day sleeping for fuck's sake. You reminded me of that. It's bullshit. Yeah, but you've got to remember. What are you getting paid for to fucking the kids to sleep? They're doing nothing.

You've got to remember you. I want them to sleep at night. Your kid's not like you. He doesn't do breakfast radio, then the project, then do a stand-up gig. Like, they're allowed to sleep. They're's not like you. He doesn't do breakfast radio then the project into a stand-up gig. Like, they're allowed to sleep. They're not allowed to sleep.

Go around with a cattle prod if you have to. Keep that fucker awake. I want them falling asleep in the car on the way home because they're so tired. So my wife's been complaining. I go,

don't complain because you know, it's like complaining at a restaurant where you go, oh, send this back. It's not cooked properly.

You send it back and someone shits in your fucking cake. So don't do that but she complains whatever um so then we start getting these personalized messages now these personalized emails out that aren't the group ones that aren't like oh look all the kids were like reading a book and they're playing outside and whatever and you've got to pick where your kid is all of a sudden we start getting personalized ones that are like um just about our kid. You're in a new category now.

Yeah. They're like, you're in the problem. Like, all right, here we go. Yeah. So I was like, oh, well, maybe this has worked out okay because, you know, at least we're getting a bit of love. And, you know, you get this one page and it's got like eight pictures of her or whatever on there.

So I was like, oh, this is fine. But see, the thing is with them about this, all the bullshit that they talk at the end of the day, oh, she ate well and she slept well and you get her home and she's hungry, thirsty and goes insane from no sleep.

We get this update the other day that goes, here's a picture. It's her with like building blocks and they write this story where they go, dear blanket, which is what I call her on this show,

dear blanket. It's not her real name. I assume that. I was thinking, oh, that's nice. That's Michael Jackson's show. He was a good dad. So this woman that's looking after her, who I've noted, has a big old Southern Cross tattoo on her arm,

which is a bit of a red flag, I think, for someone that's looking after a kid. But anyway, what do I know? Cover that up if you're in childcare, I reckon. Yeah, I reckon. I reckon. Keep astrology out of it. Anyway, she writes this story like,

Dear Blanket, I saw you playing and I came along and I was helping you and I saw that you picked up these blocks and you started to put the blocks on top of each other and I bent down and I said, oh, you're so special. That's so great what you're doing. What are you building there? A little blanket. And you looked up at me and said, a tower.

Now, I'll just let you know, my kid's like 20 months or whatever. She's struggling with mum and dad at this point. She's not fucking saying tower. She's making shit up. She's absolutely spinning shit. Tower's not like the third word that she's fucking learnt. She's making shit up. She's absolutely spinning shit. Tower's not like the third word that she's fucking learnt.

She's not coming home and going scaffolding and architecture and stuff like that. Tower. As if tower's what you're learning 20 months into your fucking life.

But you are often talking about how 9-11 was an inside problem. There's no way the towers could have gone down that quickly. There's no way. Your 20 month old

could say tower. No way. She could, man. I'm-month-old could say tower. No way. She could, man. I'm trying to get her to say, to quack like a duck or moo like a cow. She doesn't go straight to tower. She thinks that's beneath her. 20 months, so almost two, though.

I'm trying to think. I can't remember with my children what they said. She's got a vocab of honestly about six, seven words. A tower's not cracking into your top seven, surely. It's not that she's not cracking into your top seven, surely. Look, I... It's not that... She's not seeing that many towers in her life that she needs to figure out what they're called. She fucking lives in Melbourne, mate.

There's towers everywhere. Yeah. She misunderstood. You're not in Hawthorne. Yeah, the Southern Cross lady was trying to teach her to say white power. Oh, right, right. Power.

Okay, okay. All right, that makes a little bit more sense, I guess. It checks out. It's tricky, though, because I remember our son, where they were trying to say that he was like, you know, he's got learning difficulties and stuff. I go, fuck off, he's fine. They don't assess my child.

I don't do that. And he's fine. He's absolutely fine. They had him, like, on the spectrum real quick. Oh, shit. I say he's an individual. I do love that, that, yeah, you've been put into this problem parent category where all it really means for the people working there is like,

all right, we've got a bit of a creative writing assignment every day now, do we? We've got an individual on. Today I looked at a bird and said, bird, there we go. They'll be fucking happy with that one. But, like, we get home and I go, go Like there's no way she knows how to say tower And we get home and so I'm spending the rest of the day Like poking her going

Go on Tower Tower Nothing I'm building a tower What's that? Nothing Fuck you go through a lot when you're like

One and one and a half Like you know what I mean? Like just the amount of like outside Like your parents going nuts about things around you That you're absorbing It's a fucking nightmare Yeah I'm like she like outside like your parents going nuts about things around you that you're absorbing yeah it's fucking nightmare yeah yeah i'm i'm like she she maybe she's lying actually because she's a big liar so maybe she knows how to say tower and she's just saying she'll be messing with you man

yeah because i go i say have you shit your pants and she just goes no no no and runs away so maybe it's the same deal yeah yeah i had the other day, my daughters, particularly the nine and seven, particularly at me the whole time. Nine-year-old, I had to help them before school and I said, you know, she's just giving me, she's dissing me. I said, I'm a big deal. I'm a big deal. Your dad is a big deal.

And I swear to God, my nine-year-old said this to me, Dad, I'm more important than you. I don't have haters. How does she know about my haters? She's on the internet. She's been on Twitter. I don't have haters. She was 40 down on that tweet.

You're trying to level the score just tweeting about her saying inappropriate things, like showing her the responses. Check this out. She needs to go 50 comments down where even his kids are shit too. Now, you do like the attention. As we've touched on this already. I'm trying to calm down on that.

You do like the attention. What will always stick with me is we did a gig once. I used to run a gig in St Kilda and it was on Fitzroy Street in St Kilda, which is not a great street. and it was on Fitzroy Street in St Kilda, which is not a very, not a great street. Yeah, yeah. Now, you were going to be on later and you, you know, some people of your standing

might go and hide backstage or something like that and you went, no, I'm going to sit over here, deliberately sit sort of on the balcony of the gig so that everyone that walks by can absolutely, definitely see you. Now, you sat there and I was like, you must be that stinging for attention because the people, the dross of fucking humanity that walked by, I can see you. Now you sat there and I was like you must be that stinging for attention because the people, the dross

of fucking humanity that walked by I could see you like struggling with the inner turmoil because you wanted to get recognised but the people who were recognising you were the fucking worst people of all time. So they were like, here's it, here's it and you were like Look, it is annoying

when you just want to get recognised by attractive women and then you know, guys with two teeth are really all over you. Well, this was pre-Twitter, wasn't it? That club. Oh, we would have been on The Verge. So you would have been just sitting there on political opinions and waiting for someone. I might have told this on this podcast.

I can't remember, but I do remember one on Fitzroy Street. I think it was going to your gig. I was on the way to your gig. I might have said this before. On the way to your gig, a woman grabbed me as I'm walking past. Back when there was bars in Fitzroy Street before, it was a fucking ghost town now. There's no one. There's nothing left.

And this woman said, oh, my God, it's yousie. And I said, I'm late for a gig. It was Carl's gig. And she said, no, just two seconds. My girlfriend's having a birthday party. This will make her year. Have I told you this? This rings a bell now.

No, I don't think it's been on the show. I think I remember it from the night, but yeah. And she said, this will make her year. Come in. I said, I'm really late. She said, it'll take two seconds. Come in. I said, okay.

So she walks me through this bloody bar to her friend who's having the birthday party. And she presents me to her friend. She says, look who it is. And the friend says, who is it? And her friend whose birthday was it? I don't know you. Sorry. I don't know you.

And I'm like, I don't fucking, what? Who are you? It doesn't matter who I am. Your friend fucking got me here. She goes, sorry, I'm from New Zealand. I don't give a fuck where you're from. I didn't want to be here. She literally didn't know Hughes.

She didn't know Hughes. She did not know Hughes. Not very Rick. Would it be fair to say that during all of this COVID stuff with the masks, this is what I heard around the traps, that you were, you had a bit of an issue with the masks purely because it meant that you were getting recognised less out in public.

Yeah, look, again, I do love being recognised. I'm not going to lie. But if someone notices you through when you've got the mask on, there's a true fan, you know. Yeah, yeah. Well, once I dropped the kids off at school when you had to have the masks on to go into school and another mother gave me a real look. I was like, fuck, she's really recognised me, you know,

like at the school. I don't get much attention at our local school, which annoys me. I'm not going to lie. She's really given me a real look I was like fuck She's really recognised me You know like At the school I don't get much attention At our local school Which annoys me I'm not going to lie But she's really Given me a look She's like right into me

And then I realised I wasn't wearing a mask So she was fucking She was giving me that look Of you're trying to Kill my children are you You need a mask I've forgotten about

The fucking mask You need a mask With just the actual Bottom half of your face Printed on it That is a good idea I do have a mask Singer mask I'm not going go get the brand out there yeah absolutely yeah i uh on the on like one of

the first days that things were open in melbourne i went and had lunch with my dad for his birthday in the city and i was walking to get there through the city and it was the day this doesn't really make sense saying it now but it was the day of one of the anti-lockdown protests that was happening on the day that lockdown had ended yeah I know it was like

a couple of weekends that one was like made absolutely no sense so it's like we're trying to get to this restaurant get cut off and then all of a sudden

like we're just in the like we're just stuck in the protest couldn't get around because they've got the and I'm like trying to get out

bit of reverse engineering I decided to go to a process. How do I get out of this one? The lady doth protest too much. But there's all these people around not wearing masks. There's this woman just screaming over the crowd going, let's all order some Uber Eats. I'm like, my culture is not your prom dress.

I hate seeing Uber Eats used in this way. So I'm trying to weave my – and then I'm thinking about my parents having to have gotten like my culture is not your prom dress like i hate seeing uber eats used in this way so i'm like trying to like weave my and then i'm thinking about like my parents having to have gotten to this restaurant and like cut through this same crowd of people and then i noticed there's people there from like the newspapers and stuff and like the the tv news getting footage and so it was just like i was getting so scared that i was going to be in vision or like a photo just like front and centre in one of the photographs on the Herald Sun the next day. Whipping a horse.

Would have been, yeah. But then I thought maybe at least if that did happen, I'd get a call from Dave Hughes just going, happy to have you on our team. Because there was some open mic-er that like no one had seen in years, like getting absolutely headlocked and like ploughed into the ground. And everyone's like, hey, I remember that dude. And then he just crops up in that way yeah i remember him bombing on stage now he's bombing at a protest yeah yeah but yeah just but then i kind of thought fuck that would be so

funny just ending up in the in the background of some news footage of the anti-lockdown i just love ending up in the background of news footage any time, honestly. The day that the Sydney to Melbourne flights opened, we were on one of the first flights, and I was at Melbourne Airport at 6 o'clock in the morning to get on this flight to go to Sydney and talk about the fact that I'm doing Sydney Prequels Radio next year. And there was Today Show and Sunrise

were doing live crosses, and I swear to God, I lingered in the background. I actually walked past one of the, and said, how are you going? But I had the God I lingered in the background. I actually walked past one of the and said, how are you going? But I had the mask and I didn't fucking recognize you.

It broke my heart. I wanted to take the mask and I was like, excuse me, can I talk to Koshi? But we got to Sydney and the project was right at the gate

and it was like, fuck, they were here for me. We got an interview straight away in Sydney. You're almost on, you've almost done all the stations in just one trip to the airport. Mate, it was a great day to be on the plane.

Yeah, yeah. And they were so keen to have us on the plane. They were so friendly, the staff. I handed a woman an empty bag of rice crackers and she said, thanks so much. Did you have this? I went up to Sydney like, yeah, a week and a half ago. And the captain, as we're coming into land, like coming back to Melbourne,

he gives the, like, we're coming into land. And then he just sort of gives us his life story over the last few months and like nearly starts crying as he's making the announcement. He's like, yeah, you know, if you're visiting family or you've just been visiting family, welcome back. And it's just great to have you all flying again because, look, we've all had a tough year, haven't we? And us in the airline industry, you know, we've certainly had it rough.

And this airline in particular almost went under. But thankfully we've been saved and we're back doing what we love. And I was like, flights have been back on for like a week by this point. Has he just been doing this every day? There's been a lot of talk about pilots you know like working at coals and stuff and yeah filling shelves so yeah oh really is it oh yeah that's been a bit it's been a through line of you know the pilots down doing night fill oh really absolutely because they're looking for something to do and yeah good luck

to them i mean we've all done night fill haven't't we? I haven't. No. You've done night film? No, I haven't. Nor have I, actually. We've all done it except for none of us. I've worked at a supermarket. We've all worked at a supermarket, haven't we? Have you worked at a supermarket? Worked at a service station. All right.

Smaller supermarket. What were you doing just behind the counter there? Yeah, cleaning the toilets. Were you really? Yeah. Were you taking money or whatever? Taking money? Were you behind the counter there, were you? Yeah, cleaning the toilets. Were you really? Yeah. Were you taking money or whatever? Taking money? Were you behind the till?

Was I being paid to do it all? No, it was just for love of the game. Were you open mic cleaning toilets? No, the way it was pitched to me was, we start you out on the toilets, and then if you're good at that, we'll work you up to... Did you get to the till? No, never got to the till? yeah

never got to the till you stayed toilet level the whole time yeah toilet level the whole time well you could get to work in this building yeah

I never got to the till at Woolies never got to the till yeah I was always just trolleys it's funny how it's like I went to Fruit and Veg and I thought I was

working my luck and then I went back to trolleys I was fucking humiliated really you must have been bad I got demoted from Fruit and Veg you got bussed down I was like nah you're back to trolleys I mean no off humiliated. Really? You must have been bad because of... I got demoted from fruit and veg. You got bust down. I was like,

nah, you're back to trolleys. I mean, no offence, Yuzi, but at my supermarket growing up, the special kids

were on the trolleys. That's who got the trolley job. Yeah, well, I mean, obviously, I was one of those

special people. I thought I did well at fruit and veg. I had no idea what I'd done wrong, you know. It's fucking hell. I reckon that it'd be...

I always look at that and go, that'd be tough to me. I can't differentiate every fruit and veg. There'd be so much stuff. There was a lot of tough questions, but what? I'd be on the till Googling for half the day.

Yeah, well, I didn't. There was no Google back then. So I did, you know, in hindsight, I wasn't great. You know, people would ask me about fruit and I didn't know what it was. You've got eyes, mate. Have a look. I don't give a fuck. It's funny, like, when you're in those jobs and you're that age

and it's like they dangle the customer, like serving the customers. That's the peak to reach. And then it's like once you're not doing that job, it's like, God, imagine dealing with customers. That'd be worse than just, you know. The cushy COVID job would be the just security dipshit. What did you do growing up?

Dry cleaner. Dry cleaner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Worked at a dry cleaner. That's your first job. With my Asian family, you know. What were you doing at the dry cleaner worked at a dry cleaner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Worked at a dry cleaner. That's your first job. With my Asian family, you know. What are you doing at the dry cleaner? I still don't even know a dry cleaner.

You just stand there and people bring their dirty clothes to you and then you just process it. It feels like a front for drugs and stuff. Is it mafia? What was it? Well, there's some meth out the back. It was just for our fun. So yeah, dry cleaners, pizza places. So wait, first job.

Very first job, dry cleaner. Dry cleaner, yeah. What do you want to be when you grow up? Dry cleaner. Oh, it's disgusting, man, because people would bring in their clothes in garbage bags and just put it on the counter. Filthy clothes. Filthy clothes.

And one time we opened the bag and it just had maggots through it. It was So disgusting. I think I quit. Can you clean these? Sometimes you go, you're going to have to go to the wet cleaner for this one. This is not a dry cleaner. I think I quit on that day. Did you have any cash?

The drain would be 50 bucks in the pocket. Oh, dude. I was running maggots through it. Oh, dude. Yeah. Rifle it through the pockets. You know, smelling the underwear. All the classic shit. Yeah, rifled through the pockets, you know, smelling the underwear, all the classic shit.

Yeah, hot underwear. Was there some underwear you would have seen? No. Attractive women walking with that. That was the dream, but yeah,

never happened. Did you ever give people the wrong stuff by accident? Like, did you ever have people come back and go, you've fucking given me the wrong pants or you've lost this jacket

or whatever? All the time, all the time. Yeah, people would get so angry or shit wasn't clean to their liking. I didn't get rid of all the maggots. Yeah, people would get so angry. Shit wasn't clean to their liking. I didn't get rid of all the maggots. Yeah, I sent you these and you sent me back these maggots. It's still dirty.

I wanted you to clean the maggots. Yeah, so it was that and pizza places and, yeah, no food store. Pizza places are all right. From the dry cleaner to the pizza place. Were you delivering the pizza or were you making the pizza? I was making it. I remember getting so high that I just couldn't function anymore. You get stoned.

Oh, yeah. I don't know how you can do that. It's great. I could never do anything stoned. I couldn't work stoned. Stoned and then making pizza. Yeah. That's troublesome.

It is. Well, I mean. Did you get paranoid, though? Did you get paranoid when I was 15? I was like 15. You're getting stoned making pizza, getting paranoid, going, what if they don't like pineapple? Yeah, exactly.

Do they have pineapple on their pizzas? Yeah, the Hawaiian. I didn't know whether that was an Australian tradition or not. Yeah, exactly. It's worldwide. Is it Hawaiian? Yeah, right. What do you think of this as a pizza combo?

My girlfriend was really drunk the other night and ordered a margarita with ham and eggplant. What a fucking combo. I'm a vegan and I fucking hate eggplant. Eggplant is weird, is it? I don't like it. It's no taste. Ham and eggplant. I don't feel like I'm eating a ham and eggplant.

That's a wet pizza. It feels like I'm eating a wet sponge or something. No one's hungry. I could do with an eggplant. I don't know Who loves eggplant Yeah It's as a palmer

If you're not If you're vegetarian And you're not eating chicken It's disgusting Don't have an eggplant palmer As a stand-in I can understand it No

Covering it with cheese and tomato It's awful Really Yeah So you just know palmers at all It's disappointment Okay What have you got left to use

You're vegan now I'm nearly done Yeah I'm nearly done I'm. I'm nearly done. I'm full monk. I've got to get rid of the family. He keeps telling me to meditate. Yeah.

The family goes. He keeps telling me to meditate, you know? I'm into it. I got 20 minutes this morning, 20 minutes tonight. I'm like fully. But then your name can't be trending on Twitter and you're just Zen. You know what I mean?

And it's part of the reason why I'm coming on Twitter because, yeah, look, I can't be triggered at 8 o'clock in the morning. it's part of the reason why I'm calming down on Twitter because yeah look it's I can't be triggered at 8 o'clock in the morning I've got to like I'm just I'll just see a daily tweet

from you that just says om honestly I'm going to shave your head you can start wearing a robe well I could I could I'm really starting

to silence guys I mean it's tough for someone who works in the radio and goes on a podcast but I'm driving silently driving with no noise in the car and what do you do when you meditate do you use an app or something no i'm staring at the wall solo wow the wall eyes open breathing imagine if you saw hughesie doing that yeah you'd be like oh he's he's probably lost it this time

during the day just mean the dog's wrong, man? During the day, just me and the dogs home and they were going, what are you, you got a problem, man? Why are you staring at that wall? Can we ring someone for you? I want to see you go full zen and then do your breakfast radio job next year

and just do prank calls where you're ringing people up and just going, be at one with everything. That's likely going to happen. Honestly, I'm like, Ed Cavill is freaking out.

He said, you're not talking anymore. I said, I know, man. Fuck it, hell, he's thinking he's doing a lot of work next year on the airwaves. What's the secret sound? Om. The universe.

Opened a packet of snakes alive and they were all at one with the universe. Someone was addicted to snakes. Do you see that news? I did, yeah, yeah. Someone sent it to me on Twitter, one of the very few tweets I've gotten the last couple of days. Someone said, Hughesy, what are you going to do about this?

Because a woman is addicted to jelly snakes and she was in a bath full of them. I imagine that photo was done by the newspaper. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I didn't read the article though. What was her problem? That's a go-to newspaper photographer.

What was her problem? Getting a bath full of snakes. She's addicted to them. She's not that unwell. I don't read the article though. What was her problem? What was her go-to newspaper photographer? What was her problem? Getting a bath full of snakes. She's addicted to them. She's not that unwell. I don't know how many... Is she quite hefty? She's a larger lady? It's hard to think.

The photo is unreal. Oh my God. It's a photo of her in a bath surrounded by snakes. I know, maybe she is, yeah. That's a lot of snakes, isn't it? What are they going to do with those snakes? Are they going to eat those snakes? It feels like a waste of snakes.

There's thousands of jelly snakes there. Well, she would eat them, right? Well, maybe she would. Yeah, that's the whole thing. There's thousands of African trick-or-treated kids that could be doing with those jelly snakes right now. And that's another thing I've given up. I gave up jelly snakes.

I honestly did. I gave up jelly snakes. Yeah, you've given up everything. I used to have a bag of jelly snakes next to me while I was driving, and at every set of lights, I'd just eat up jelly snakes. Yeah, you've given up everything. I used to have a bag of jelly snakes next to me while I was driving, and at every set of lights, I'd just eat some jelly snakes. What? Yeah. Do you love jelly snakes? That sounds like Dave O'Neill.

Yeah. It's a good way to cure road rage, though. If you're treating yourself at a red light, you're not worried about how long the journey's going to be. I still miss jelly snakes. Speaking of road rage, I just drove back from Wagga with Nick Cpper oh my god how was that gig it was it was whatever like they you didn't get the gig i know that him and capper got it got the gig because someone loved their podcast well it's like we drove me jealous no we drove out there they had no idea there was comedians on it's

that classic corporate thing and the boss gets up and goes, thank you for a great year, blah, blah, blah. But they were a good audience because they were in one industry. Oh, real estate. Yeah, great audience. I know, real estate agents in Wagga. And then he goes, we got comedians, Nick Capper and Mike Golton, coming up, and everyone turns to each other. They're like, who, what the fuck is happening?

And then all of a sudden you know. Nick Capper's there, and everyone's like, why does this smell like Dassler's house? I also love the boss getting up going it's been a great year has it yeah

also no it's not because my goal is to nick Kappa the comedian we couldn't have that much money we don't have comedians

so it's fucking the dumb ball so but then you know they're so confused and then all of a sudden Kappa's just standing in the corner

of their function talking about 69's you know it's just so bizarre and the gig is whatever and then the next what do you mean we don't want to hear whatever was it terrible just standing in the corner of their function talking about 69s. You know, it's just so bizarre. And the gig is whatever. And then the next... What do you mean? We don't want to hear whatever.

Was it terrible? Yeah, yeah. It was classic corporate crowd work went great and the material, they were like, why is he talking about this shit? Oh, what's your go-to real estate gigs in? You go a bit local? Yeah, I just asked them if they flipped any houses,

any meth labs this year in Wagga. That would have been a laugh, wouldn't it? Oh, yeah, that shit crushed. Yeah, everyone loves meth. I was in Brighton last night talking meth. Were you? Well, that's a stretch. Well, I'm in St. Kilda where all the meth is.

Oh, well, there you go. Yeah, it's down the road. But they see, well, Nick, so Capper driving, there's something about when people see him driving a car, they just lose their mind, right? It's like seeing a dog drive a car. Yeah, totally. But that would be entertaining at least, unless the dog cuts you off or something.

But people just see that head driving around in traffic, and I've never been honked at more in a car. You get honked in Wagga. You're just getting up there and back. That's one of the main things to do in Wagga. Yeah. But was he driving on the right side of the road? What was happening?

Oh, dude, he's either super tense or he's just not paying attention. Is he up people's asses or is he going slow? Well, he's eating. He's not focused. He's all over the shop. So it's just, you know, I've never been in a car with someone who just gets more rage from when people see it. And we also recorded a bonus

up like driving up so people were driving by and they just see him holding a microphone right so this person's cut you off or they're driving really slow and then you go past the window and probably some people on the highways thinking i bet i can guess the fucking ethnicity and then they get there and they're like got a mic in their hand it's like fuck I never would have picked this I had Asian not podcast he had a mic in one hand and a zinger burger in the other just driving with his knees

I was like we're gonna die we're gonna die yeah it was high stakes we're gonna die exactly between Victoria and New South Wales yeah exactly

it's four hours is it it's four and a half it's five plus five plus yeah and then on the trip back I wish the gig had a really tank.

That would have been fun. Oh, dude. Yeah. That's not what you want to hear. Well, because they put some local dude on. We were like, oh, he'll make us look better, you know? And then he fucking crushed harder than us. Get him off.

Get him off. Fucking get him off. Nothing. It's good to be here, everyone. It's better than where I live in a meth lab. Am I right? All him off. Nothing. It's good to be here, everyone. It's better than where I live, in a meth lab. Am I right? All your gear. Fuck.

Yeah. Fuck it, Al. But then we had to give a random other comedian a lift home because he was doing a gig in Griffiths, which is apparently close by. Also, it's Ash Fils-Aimé. You've met Ash before. Nice dude, American dude.

And, you know, we're just like, let's do something to fuck with him on the trip home. But we started it as low as possible. And then every time I repeated, we turned it up by one notch. And it was Christina Aguilera's Beautiful. Right. And, man, I thought maybe after the third or fourth time it repeated, Ash would have been like, you know, what's going on? This is on repeat.

After an hour, he hadn't said shit. And it's getting loud. So that's a long joke. That's a long, annoying joke. It's a great prank because you have to live with it as well. You also have to experience that. An hour is 15 plays. At least, yeah.

Just in Aguilera is beautiful. Yeah, and it was getting louder, you know. So it's one notch per play. One notch per play. You know, started it real low. And then after an hour, like, I was like, has he flipped this on us? Is he the master pranker here? We're going to do five plus hours listening to You Are Beautiful, no matter what they say, right?

And he's got like fake earbuds in or something. He's like, you can't hear it. Well, I kept looking because I was driving and I kept looking to see if he had the earbuds in or he had fallen asleep. No, he's just awake, scrolling his phone, hadn't said shit. By two hours, it's so loud. 30 plays. 30 plays at least.

We're screaming just to do small talk and Capper's like, yeah. And Capper's like, eh, eh, shimmy. Can you pass that zinger over? This podcast you're recording must sound shitty if it's got Christina in the background. You're going to have to pay a lot for licensing as well. You've sucked me in though, man. I want to know how this finishes. Two hours in, I'm starting to lose my fucking mind.

I'm like, I'm going to crack. It's so loud. And Capra's like, yeah, she got any gigs coming up? And he's like, what? You know? And he's just screaming back and forth. And he still hasn't said shit. And I was like, he's like what you know like and he's yeah and just screaming back and forth and he still hasn't

said shit and I was like he's definitely flipped this he's gonna make us listen to this for five hours finally just past

the two hour mark he screams because that's the only way to be heard does this motivate you what the fuck is going on he took two hours

two hours wow he wins. He's zen ass. He's zen ass. That's the most zen shit I've ever seen in my life. The way to break the silence

as well as the relative silence, the first thing to say, does this motivate you? Yeah. That's a fucking bizarre way to... That's what he thought. It's a good line. Yeah, he had a long time

to think of it. Yeah. He's done well. He's done well. And he goes, yeah, at first I thought it was on the radio, but then you guys had just accidentally put it on repeat. This radio station that's just playing the same song five times in a row. Oh, dude.

How long before he realised, did he say? How long before he realised it was a prank? Well, he didn't. He just thought it was maybe something we were into. Yeah, wrong. One sort of meditative chance. This might influence your music mix for next year on the radio. Two hours of Christina Aguilera.

Maybe you could do one of those ones where it's like a no-repeat Tuesday, all-repeat Tuesday. Bring in, win $1,000 if you can pick out a song that isn't Christina Aguilera's beautiful. We win when we play this song for the 470th time we play this tonight. You can count to 470 if I can win the $1,000. Now, I think, sorry, go on. Oh, no.

So it was just, I think he was so insanely polite. You know what I think it was? What? Now, I don't know him very well at all, but what I do know is a certain part of his history. Now, I think he saw all that happen for two hours and thought that was absolutely fine in comparison to what his old job used to be which was the support act for people that of this podcast that no one home pablo francisco yeah that was his full-time job so

this sort of behavior was absolutely fine compared to what he was used yeah 11 years on the road with pablo was nothing compared to 55 plays of yes yeah christina aguilera's you are beautiful yeah so he was just a zen master and just fucking finally just said does this motivate you and capper actually said i love it and want to turn it up but it was as high as it could fucking go and then i started laughing and then we just i couldn't take it you know like it broke me you'd be able to nail that song of karaoke now. Oh, God. I know all the lyrics. What was the opening line? Well, she whispers at the start very quietly, don't look at me.

Well, she doesn't really whisper by the time you get to the end. Oh, no. Oh, dude, it cranks up. But I'd never heard the whisper until I'd heard it 48 times. Yeah, right, right, right. It's a good song. It's definitely a good song. You could do a song exploder about this.

All right. Before we go, I gave a couple of girls a lift home from a gig I did in Brunswick Heads which is up near Byron Bay and it was after the show and they were outside

and they said, oh, we're having trouble getting a lift. It's like probably 10k, 15k. We're having trouble getting a lift

and I said, all right, I'll give you a lift. All right, so just girls I don't know. What's the odds if it was boys, do you reckon? I would have given them the lift because i gave you know what true story the next night i gave some boys a lift so it'd been a balance the ledger yeah exactly

yeah what were their names i don't know anyone anyway so they're in the car they didn't say anything for about 20 minutes. And eventually I realised that I was going the wrong way. So it looked like I was driving them into the forest. Yes. Hughes Creek. And they're like, you realise Byron Bay is the other way? I said, fuck, is it?

You should have said that 20 minutes ago. Yeah, we got there eventually. There were people that had been at your show? At the show, yeah. Fucking hell. That's not bad for the ticket price. Free lift home from the act. That's great.

All right, we better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Dave Hughes, Mike Goldstein, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you. Let's hit the court, man. Hughesy, you've got radio next year. Yeah. Absolutely. Hughesy, we have problems coming back as well on Channel 10. So, yeah. But, yeah, Sydney, still nationally 6 till 7 p. Yeah. It's Sydney with Ed Cavill. Absolutely. We have Problems coming back as well on Channel 10.

So, yeah. But, yeah, Sydney, still nationally 6 till 7 p.m. around the Hit Network. So, yeah. Check that out. Fun times. Yep. Goldstein, you've got the Phone Hacks podcast. Phone Hacks podcast.

We've got to get you on at some point. And, yeah, just listen to that and we'll just be playing Aguilera on repeat. Fuck yeah. Great. Can't wait. Great. All right, guys. Check all that out. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next Aguilera on repeat. Fuck yeah. Can't wait. All right, guys, check all that out. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. And they've done it again. Oh, you didn't do... You should have done your Hughsy and John Safran impression. I wheeled out the voice a couple of times and I thought maybe there'd be... It doesn't seem to register much with him at all. Someone doing an impression of him to him.

I thought maybe this will get a response, and then that'll be my in. He's heard it all before. Hit a brick wall. Well, at the very least, I like to think I've got a pretty good one. I wouldn't have minded a bit of props, but you know. I think we did on a bonus, not on the canon.

But do your Fusey. What if Fusey was John Safran? Yeah. I've been getting angry. So good. I opened a packet of snakes alive the other day, and they're all dead. That's great. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's good They've done it again Rapid Fire Wow What an absolute Consummate professional

Hughes is You see Just barreled by that hour Or whatever it was So Yep Without really trying too hard So

Yep That's what you get the big bucks for Not that we gave you many Would you say He's got plenty of them Would you Would it be fair to say That Bernie's kicked a big one? Yes, that's good.

Now do Hughesy. Bernie's kicked a big one. Great. Yep. Can you do Goldstein? That feels like it would be kind of, you know, getting into sort of... What? Sort of blackface territory.

Oh, really? A little bit. American face. American face. Well, you know, he's half Sri Lankan. Oh, yeah. And he's Jewish, you know. Yeah.

I really don't want to... Yeah, really. I think I might have too many different groups come after me if I try that one. Is there a lot of Sri Lankan or Jewishness in his voice? I wouldn't have thought so. No, but, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Can't be too careful these days, Carl. Right, right. Fun episode. Good shit. Yeah. Look, we haven't heard who won the tennis match yet. That's what I'm interested in. No, well, I mean, we're doing this right after,

so I dare say the tennis match hasn't even started yet. Yeah. Probably just about getting out of the car now, if I had to guess. Yeah. Yeah, Hugh's probably getting into his shorts right now. Oh, wow. Hugh's in a little pair of shorts. Getting angry in those little pair of shorts. Yeah, we'll put it up on the social, so I have to find out what the score is.

Yes. I'm keen personally to know. I mean, maybe people already know. They can go look at Dave Hughes' Twitter account and see if there's a congratulations Mike Goldstein on a valiant loss tweet. Oh, yeah. And if there's no mention of the match, then they'll know Goldstein destroyed him. Yeah, yeah.

Fine. What else? Any other homework off the back of that should we should we make a little announcement is it too early to do this or not yes oh i think check the socials i think we're getting back in the habit there's gonna be something yeah it's gonna be something happening happening pretty soon so get into that um it's gonna be fun so uh get on we're on instagram we're on facebook we're on twitter um we'll be harassing hughes this week on twitter yep um absolutely going getting the comments under his uh whatever um when he starts talking about how um werewolves are real or

whatever the fuck he's gonna go on about next yep what's gonna be the new one yep um looking for how do you think this uh meditating and being calm and being off social media is going to go how long do you give it you know what he's a he's a what do you call it he sticks to things like he you know he's vegetarian or he's vegan or whatever very true he doesn't drink like when he decides something he's quitting something when he says he's angry he's angry he's angry yeah that's very true that's very true yeah he's not he doesn't go back on things so i i would say if that's what he's doing that's what he's angry, he's angry. He's angry. Yeah, that's very true. That's very true. Yeah, he doesn't go back on things. So I would say if that's what he's doing, that's what he's doing. Great.

Good for him. I don't know why you need to. I want to ask what the Husey version of meditation is. I actually want to know how he meditates. Well, he said just staring at a wall. Right. Which is very strange to me because it is hard to do effectively when you start doing it without some form of app or guidance. Right. Which is very strange to me because it is hard to do effectively when you start doing it without some form of app or guidance.

Right. Like, I guess it depends what you want out of it, but just staring at a wall is like, I don't know, it's pretty tough. Isn't it just like going to sleep sometimes? Don't you just get in bed and just go, okay, I guess I'm just thinking about nothing and then that's it? Yeah. Yeah.

And I have definitely done meditation where i've come very close to falling asleep during it and i was like does this am i great at this or am i fucking it up yeah by doing this yeah is it like edging right that sensation of being so just clear in the head right that you're about to drift off without actually drifting off bringing yourself right back from the brink yeah

I still haven't tried it because I don't really I don't have I don't know how to do it yeah get an app or get like a

find like an online thing I've done apps that are just like there was one app I got that was just like you know regulating your breathing yeah

I'm like okay I can do that that's fine there's one the one that I use that was just like, you know, regulating your breathing. Yeah. I'm like, okay, I can do that. That's fine. There's one, the one that I use, which is Calm, is really good. That's what I use. Oh, right. Like if you do the, there's certain programs in there that are really good where like they'll, it kind of says it's doing something different each day, but it is basically the same thing.

But you know, she'll read you a little proverb in it. It's like, oh, that's kind of interesting. What I got out of it was just breathing. And I was like, okay, well, I can take it from here and just that's that's how i get to sleep i'm just like just concentrate on your breathing yeah it's like that must be really boring because then i go to sleep yeah i i yeah i was trying to say this in the app i would i'd like to hughesie like doing a meditation reading on an app would be good. Yeah. I'm sure some people would find it awful.

Yeah. But I'd like to hear that. Yeah, yeah. What else we got this week? Anything else? Oh, I have an update on a thing from a little while ago. We were talking about the guy who works in the bottle shop halfway between our houses. Yes, yes.

guy who works in the bottle shop halfway between our houses and also around the corner from Brett Blake's house. Brett is convinced that this guy listens to the show. He passed that on to you. And then I had strong doubts that we were talking about the same guy in the same shop because I'd been in there since, talked to him. He hasn't brought this up. Then I was in there the other week with a friend and uh being served by that guy and then we're getting near the end of the transaction and he goes i gotta ask you something like here we go and he's like what episode of it is what episode

of your podcast was it where you were fucking teeing off on me brett blake came in here and said you absolutely gave it to me saying i'm always going on about uncut gems. And, you know, in my defense, you were wearing an uncut gems jumper. You like it more than me. I heard the same story. I'm like, this is absolutely fantastic stuff. I heard the same story. Loving the view from under this bus right now.

Yeah. But then he goes, but then this bit I loved, because by then I'm like, I can't remember what ep specifically we talked about it on. And he goes, Brett Blake told me that you did it on your Patreon. So I subscribed to your Patreon to get all those bonus episodes. I'm going back. I'm listening through to all of them. I can't fucking find it anywhere.

I'm like, well, he's fucked you over there. It wasn't on the Patreon. It was just on the little back end bit of the show. And then it's like this conversation is just going on and on great there's this woman behind us waiting to pay great and like i end up having to go oh man i'll i'll i'll try and remember whatever it is and come in and tell you like you've got to serve this yeah yeah because she's got her phone out just texting her friend clearly just going you would not believe what is going on in front of me in the bottle shop right now. Unbelievable stuff. I did like that. Blakey did tell me that he's gone to tell the guy about you saying,

oh, he keeps talking about uncut gems. And he's like, in my defense, he came in wearing two different items of clothing that are fucking uncut gems. What am I fucking supposed to talk about? Yeah. But as I said to him, I'm like, I wasn't having a go at you. I was just relaying an interaction that happened.

We did talk about Uncut Gems. You complaining about it. I keep going in. This guy keeps talking about beer. What the fuck's he's come on about? You keep buying it. I'm not complaining. I'm saying we're sitting there and we're chatting about Uncut Gems.

We're having a great time. I love this guy. He's a fantastic guy. A lot of people saying he's one of the best bottle shop guys. More than anything, I wanted to talk about him He's a fantastic guy. A lot of people saying he's one of the best bottle shop guys. But yeah, I just wanted to, more than anything, I wanted to talk about him now on a current one so that I can go in and go. It's on this week's episode.

What's the number of this episode? Do you know? Just so you know. Oh, well, I'll go in there during the week and go, hey, this most recent one with Dave Hughes. And also, you know, a big marquee name. He'll be happy about this. Okay.

You know, he's on an episode rubbing shoulders with one of the greats. Right, right. So it's 5.32, so in case you get into trouble, try and remember that. 5.32. Yeah. I mean, I'll probably walk home after this, so I'll see if he's working. Tell him to fire up the podcast app tomorrow morning and there'll be a little treat waiting there for him.

Absolutely. As much of a treat as can be where we talk about a guy and don't name him. Yeah. Or name his business or anything. It's a very vague shout out. Well, I don't know that he would want his name on the air. And also, I don't know his name. He's not wearing a name tag in there.

Well, he might get his name on the air at some stage if he's subscribed to Patreon anyway. If he's been Patreon, yeah. Maybe we have. Yeah, maybe we have read him out. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Thirsty, yeah. Maybe we have. Yeah, maybe we have read him out. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Thirsty Camel. Yeah, yeah. Well, we'll have to find out his name just so, you know, in case we have that story for when it comes up.

And also as far as shouting out his place of employment, I mean, you know, he's working behind the counter. I don't think he could give two shits if the business itself gets a shout out. No, I agree. I agree. But hey, think he could give two shits if the business itself gets a shout out. No, I agree. I agree. But hey, if he wants us to. I'm not. Look, I'm low to promote that business

just because they keep selling out of Thai beer. I mean, look, sure, maybe it's because I keep buying it. Yeah. But, you know, if someone keeps buying it, keep reloading it. Nothing worse than,

I mean, it can go two ways. Yeah, you get really onto something, you buy it out of the shop, and then you keep going back and they're not replening it. Nothing worse than, I mean, it can go two ways. Yeah, you get really onto something, you buy it out of the shop, and then you keep going back and then not replenishing it. That's very frustrating. Yeah. Or, like, the other side of the coin is you get really into something that's, like, sort of semi-obscure. You're just buying it up in bulk.

And then all of a sudden you just kind of go off it. Your tastes change. Yeah. And then you walk in there and you realize they a sudden you just kind of go off it your tastes change yeah and then you walk in there and you realize they've really overloaded on the stock clearly based on your previous buying yeah yeah and you've just checked out of it yeah and then someone in there's gone why the fuck do we have all this flavor of beer that we are just all of a sudden not moving and someone's like i swear to god we were selling out of it quicker than we could get it in. They've just got no idea what's happened here.

I like that terminology as well. What flavour beer do you like? What flavour of beer? What flavour? Yeah. Do you like flavoured beer or the plain beer? I do like a flavoured beer at the moment. Do you? There's a watermelon flavoured Pilsner from a brewery in Sydney

called The Grifter that I'm a big fan of. I hope you're enjoying that on the way to your blue light disco. Watermelon flavoured beer. Yeah. Sounds like one of those, you know, sort of one of those drinks that they can cock for teens because they go, I'm a bit scared of having normal beer. Yeah, yeah. It's very mild watermelon flavour.

Okay. I'm always scared about those tinted beers. I don't know. About those tinted beers? I don't know. Generally, not into them. But yeah, it's just a very, very mild. I would suspect if you hadn't read that on the can,

you may not have even known that it had. It's not like overpowering. It's just like a kind of a slight little kind of, just a slight little sweet aftertaste. Okay. I don't know what I would like to be infused with beer. I'm not sure what I think is a good mix with it. What am I after? I don't know.

I feel like water balance is not here. Well, you're after cheap Thai beer that tastes like 50% water. Yeah. Not typically known for having much in the way of flavors or stuff added to it. Yeah, I do like that. I wonder what could be more water maybe. Yeah, yeah. Better water.

Yeah. Do it like a Jagerbomb. Water from Thailand where it's just going to give me dysentery straight away. Exactly. Do it like a Jagerbomb where you drop a shot of water into the pint of Thai beer. See, that's a good idea. How many times do you get home from the pub and go, oh, fuck, I better drink some water now.

It's such a pain. Or you get up in the morning and go, fuck, I wish I'd drunk some water. Every now and then I'll have a night where I remember to have a glass of water per actual alcoholic drink that I have, get up the next morning and go, wow, this has really saved me.

Really? I feel great. And then file that away. Got to do this every night out from now on. Nah. I reckon once every eight months I remember to do it. I got on a great run of getting home and drinking one to two big glasses of water and waking up the next day and going, he's done it.

Yeah. Absolutely done it. And I'm off form at the moment yeah just get home and go yeah i could do that i'll get up in a minute and do that just go nine eyes right now so charmed run and i'm fucking blown it yeah i'm gonna get back to it um yeah okay what else what else we got any other little little bits of news or any little hmm what is this coming up to the end of Christmas 2020

yep so um I guess we'll have like a compilation episode coming up get ready to vote in the uh in the best of 2020

when should we put that out I've got the thing all ready to go whenever we want to drop it do we want to give it another maybe next week another week yeah

yeah because I mean we could have a great one next week. We don't want that to miss out on the vote. So we'll do that. And don't vote for, oh, the one we voted for crunchy or whatever it is. It's this year. Have a look at the website.

Have a look at your feed. Figure out the ones that were there in 2020. Well, it's just a thing that I've gone and put all the eps in and you've got to check it. But you know what I mean? It's fuckwit proof. Yeah, but it's not. But you put a post up going vote and then people reply to that.

Comments. Yeah. They don't vote in the thing. They just go, yeah, episode three. Sunshine Johnson. Yeah, no. Yeah. Not that one.

Yeah. So go back and have a listen to some eps in 2020. See what you think always happy to hear keep hearing from people that um uh here to stop going that they're still you know they found us this year and they're going through 500 episodes yeah i never tire of hearing that story because to me it's unbelievable that anyone would go through that many episodes yeah I I tire of it

in the sense that you know anyone engaging with comedic work that you put out 10 years ago yeah

does send a slight chill up my spine yes so I'm always I always think cool and good for them and wow that's kind of flattering

but at the same time like yeah makes me feel a bit sick. My advice would be skip the first... Nine and a half years. Yeah. Ten?

Just if this is your first one, just go back to last week and then that'll do you. I think we've been all right for a fair while, but I definitely... Someone said to me, someone said to me on this to me I listened to episode 50 I'd be like okay

like it's a bit hit and miss maybe I don't know but before that the first 20 I'd prefer others can't blame people for wanting to be completionists yeah I guess so

I guess so alright well let's crack in let's just get stuck in let's just read out some fucking names that's what you want you guys are here

to hear some names you want to hear a Christian you want to hear a surname maybe a middle name maybe

any of them coming down the pipe who knows you know what it's like here it's completely random yeah the unplanned title alternator keeps it

fair and square what we do is we thank everyone that subscribes to patreon.com slash lord on our club for contributing towards our art form

for making sure that in this global pandemic we still get our rightful cash for spinning absolute comedy magic yep

it's the podcast job keeper as it were yes yeah that's what you guys are doing for us thank you very much everyone that doesn't do that have a think about your true contribution

to the arts you listen to this for free give us a few bucks we're not really above the common bum on the street out the front of Coles. No, hat in hand. Yeah, shit our sign.

Just need a roof for the night. I mean, we do need one for the night every night. Pretty rude to you if you walk past and dare to not chuck money in. Yeah. Bit of that action. We're looking a bit frustrated because there's so many of you walking by going, oh, I just got card, mate, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's us. We're a bum that hasn't upgraded. A bit of like we got the squeegee. You're saying, no, mate, got no cash in here. And we're like, nah, I'll do it anyway. And we're just riffing for you, hoping, doing it for free anyway, hoping that at the end of that you'll be like, nah, you know what? I said I didn't have cash, but you've done a fucking great job here of my windshield.

Here's a couple bucks. And then we're getting to the end and you're doing the turn in the pockets, looking around the car. Sorry, mate, like I said, no cash in here. Parking meters have gone card and contactless. Why would I have money in the car? Why would I have money anywhere on my person

at the moment? Yeah. Yeah. So don't be like that. Give us some, go to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. You know,

have a try. Just, just jump in and see how it goes. It's not, there's no long-term contract. No. We should make it

like a phone contract. Yeah. 24 months, you're paying off the show. Yeah. You're paying off the riffs yeah for $10 a month you get two bonus episodes every week

there's a big bank of them there just waiting for you heaps that we were doing over lockdown heaps with great guests and friends of the show that you know and love some dynamite riffs on there

plenty of episodes that we end up thinking are being quote unquote-unquote, wasted on the paying patrons. But, yeah, you really do get an absolutely fantastic quality product for your low, low investment every month. And, you know, that's all a bonus on top of just the good feeling you get in your heart for doing the right thing.

Yep. As much as we'd love to just absolutely charge for every episode and keep things absolutely like any sort of product like a movie at the cinema. Yes. Just go, well, this is what it's worth. No sort of like pay what you think it's worth. $10 per episode. Pick this episode down at your local podcast newsstand. Exactly.

The dream. Yep. $20 if you want it in 3D. Yeah. podcast newsstand exactly the dream yep $20 if you want it in 3D yeah and you can have $5 if you just have

the talking dum-dum bit at the end yes maybe yeah alright let's crack in because of course that's part of the deal

you get all that bonus stuff plus you get the chance of having your name written out and immortalized in talking dum-dum of which merch is still available. Go to the website.

Check out what sizes we have left in the hoodies and in the shirts. Yep. And especially you can do that online before we start, you know, potentially being able to get out there and do live shows and we start moving a bit more merch that way. Yep. Yep. And shout out to the man in the street who I saw wearing a Talking Dumb Dumb hoodie the other day.

Actual shout out as I had to put my window down. He wasn't on the driver's side of the road. Had to lean over my girlfriend, scream at him. He wasn't hearing. Great. He had his young kid with him. I had to yell at the kid and get them to get his attention. He then clocked me.

I think he clocked me like as the light went green and I started driving off. He kind of looked startled. I think it was a look of recognition. Right. But who knows? You know, it could have just been a friend of, you know, a person who bought this for him. He doesn't listen or. What exactly did you yell at him?

I was yelling out, hi, mate. Oh, okay. listen or what exactly did you yell at him i was yelling out hey mate you know i'm doing i'm i'm really for my part in this i'm really doing the hard yards yeah i'm really working hard to get this guy to fucking notice it's a tough one to think of it in the moment when you're trying to say hey i'm the one from your shirt yeah whatever like what's the thing that you yell at straight away which is interesting you yell at Haymo because I would I would assume

that you would not like that yelled at you no well I don't know no I wouldn't mind having it yelled at me okay you heard that everyone

yell that at Tommy a listener of the show like driving past me oh that's happened so many times yes yeah it's happened plenty of times I know but I'm saying

do you like it though yeah I'm fine with it. Okay. Out of a car or whatever. All right, that's official. Yell that at Tommy. I'd rather that than, you know, being in your shoes and presumably getting, get a dickhead.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That out of a car. Yeah. No good. Well, that's confusing. I'm sure I've said that before, but I've copped that a few times where it's like, hey, dickhead. And it's like, is that from the show or is that just in general?

Yeah. Because it's hey, dickhead. Yeah show or is that just in general? Yeah. Because it's hey, dickhead. Yeah. That's not what I say. Exactly. Yeah. Get it right. But it is nice hearing people, you know, someone driving past and feeling.

And, you know, from where I'm sitting, I'm in the car. I'm seeing this guy wearing the merch. I'm thinking, what a fucking treat for this guy. One of the guys who does the pod. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yelling at him out of a moving car. And then, like, I can't even fully get out of the window properly. And my girlfriend's like, do you want me to yell at him?

I'm like, well, what's that going to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, you're wearing my boyfriend's merch. That's good. That's pretty good. That's actually pretty good. That's good. Anyway, yeah, shout out to that gentleman.

He had a lot of kids with him. Oh. So. And he had a lot of kids with him. Oh. So, and he had a bluey backpack on. Probably. The idea is. As he was driving. No, no, no, he was in the street. He was like.

Oh, you were driving. Yeah, I was driving. He was in the street. So he's got talking dum-dum hoodie, bluey backpack. So, yeah, just two great things to be coming together. This rot and then child cartoon sensation, Bluey. Yeah, great. Together at last.

Yeah, two of the great Australian icons of entertainment for people who have got the brains of two-year-olds. Exactly. I'd love us to get on Bluey. That'd be great. Us as two voices. The voices of two podcasting dogs. Have you watched Bluey?

No. Right. But I have some friends with children who have, and they rave about it. two voices the voices of two podcasting dogs have you watched Bluey no but I have some friends with children who have and they rave about it yeah I don't think we're up to that point yet

no not into it yet my wife bought my child a tiny baby couch the other day best present she's ever got

insane just love sitting on it yeah like have you ever seen this I've never even seen them before it's just like a model those really small couches. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's like about that big. Yeah, and is it what's, the ones when I was growing up were like made out of foam. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never even knew they existed. I used to love them. Yeah.

My God. Something about it, because you would think, like, now as an adult, if someone gave me a couch that was like 10 times the size of my couch, and I'm just sitting on a gigantic couch, I would prefer that over one that is an appropriate size for me. But when you're a kid, the idea of sitting in one that is more proportionate to you was so exciting. Yeah, totally.

That's what she... Because they're fun, you can just pick it up even as a baby and just walk around and carry it around. Ah, right. But that's what she does. She's like... You get up, you leave the room.

So she gets up and follows you wherever you like she literally I'll go to the toilet she'll open the toilet door walk in and put the couch down like watch me I'm like

this seems a little bit unsettling she's trying to be a removalist well it's like you there's something that comes with sitting on a couch like she deliberately puts the couch down

that faces me who's sitting on the toilet and then sits on the couch it's like me shitting is now your entertainment. She's treating me like a TV. She's going, bang, sits there, parks her ass on the couch and then sits down and watches and concentrates on me taking a bog.

Yeah, not bad. Got the popcorn out. Puts the pressure on. It should be a good one at the very least. If you're going to sit down and use me as entertainment, I better fucking deliver i love the number of times when you talk about shit on the show and you're like god i hate to do it i mean i should be talking about anything else but you know sometimes if it's good enough and then it's this like yeah didn't take much didn't take much prompting to wheel

this story out it's it's more of a story about the couch than it is about that's true you know that's you you know that's you know i just happen to be i could have used the angle of like i went in the kitchen i was cooking some soup and she said that well it's not really as good as i don't know yeah um it just seems more in my head it was more comedically ridiculous yes if you thought about that yeah exactly yes exactly a bit of a farce. Okay, let's wheel out the first one this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Gavin Neal.

N-E-A-L, Gavin Neal. It's all right. Real six out of ten name for me. Yeah. For me. right real six out of ten name for yeah for me it's i mean they're two like pretty unique names you know they're two that you don't hear every day but they're very i don't know this is something about the whole vibe and the feel and the tone of it gavin yeah yeah neil i mean i'm i know it's spelled differently but i'm just picturing just a guy kneeling down.

Yeah. And that's what, I mean, that says it all. That's kind of indicative of what the name is. Kneeling down. You're not lying down. You're not on your knees. You're not standing. You're kind of halfway between.

What are you? You're transient. I'm going for the profile. It's, you know, real 6 out of 10 name. You think he might be a hot chick? I need a bit of colour. Looking up just in case. Yeah, I need a bit of colour.

Yeah. You know what? Looks like our classic listener to me. He's got a beard. Yep. He's looking about 31. Yep. He's ground zero for our listeners.

This is the guy. Yeah. Just very line of weight. You heard it zero for our listeners. This is the guy. Yeah. Just very line and length. You heard it here first, folks. The only podcast listened to by bearded men in their 30s. Yep. Absolute line and length. We're the one.

If you had to make an amalgam of a listener of ours, do you reckon you're far off this guy? Yeah, yeah, okay. That's him, isn't it? That's our one listener. They made a photo fit of all of them combined and that's him. Bloke with a beard.

Plaid shirt on. 31 years old, I reckon. That's him. He's probably just about getting into like smoking meat or brewing his own beer at home or something like that. Yeah. He's dabbled.

He's bought the fucking Cooper's make at home kit that you can get at the supermarket. Yeah. I thought, yeah, I'm getting into making my own beer. Oh, are you? By buying a thing that's just at the supermarket that you add water to. Yeah. You've made your own, have you? Yeah.

Thinking about, I'm thinking about making my own spaghetti. I just bought a bottle of Dolmio yeah yeah I think I might get into it make it from scratch mm-hmm

mm-hmm yeah so he's he could be he could be the mascot of listeners yeah for us oh yeah

just this is this is him like we dress him up in a big foam suit that looks like him and then he comes out at the start of the

live podcast and people just throw shit at the start of the live podcast and people just throw shit at him. Kids are kicking him in the shins. Your house here gets broken into. Things get pinched. Things get smashed. Smeared on the wall in his own shit is, I did this.

Me, a listener of your podcast. I'm like, fuck, I wonder who it is. And then we just cut to the chase. We find that bloke's pic. We send that in to the police and go, this guy of your podcast. I'm like, fuck, I wonder who it is. And then we just cut to the chase. We find that bloke's pic. We send that in to the police and go, this guy probably did it. Yeah. If it's not him,

it's someone that looks really close to this. Yeah. It's all these features. Yeah. Yeah. I reckon that's a pretty safe bet. Or it's like, yeah, a crime has happened to you

and you go down to the police sketch artist and you go, a podcast listener did this crime. Yes. And he's already, you've said that, he sketch artist and you go a podcast listener yeah yes crime yes and he's already you've said that he's already working away on a sketch yeah of a man who looks exactly like that yeah don't you want me to tell you more about like his cheekbones or his eye color no no no i get it i get it from what you've said yeah yeah yeah like there's a death threat phoned into toe fop headquarters and it's like from a podcast listener and already the sketch artists is they've already rung this bloke up. I like how I like Gavin Neal up and gone.

We heard you. Inherent in both of these scenarios that you've proposed is the idea that people who love the podcast are also constantly committing crimes against the hosts of the shows that they like. Those two things go hand in hand. Oh, look, that's just embedded in my head.

My phone number's been out in the ether for too long. That's what I associate with people that enjoy something, trying to break it. Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? Because it's like, yeah, there's plenty of bands that I love where, you know, if I had access, I wouldn't be thinking, fuck, I'd love to break into the guy from Vampire Wars. Smear my own shit all over wouldn't be thinking, fuck, I'd love to break into the guy from Vampire Wars podcast,

smear my own shit all over the walls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've been enjoying it lately. We've been, well, we should mention this. We've been doing quite a few dummios, which is the cameos, but for us, that you can get through our website, directly through our website, especially with Christmas coming up. There's been a bunch of people getting them done for Christmas and for birthdays and stuff like that,

which is a lovely little personalized present. And to be honest, we hear nothing but positive comments about the length of video that we give. Yes. A lot of long videos. I don't want to tell tales out of school, but you can get on Cameo. You can check out some people's examples of what they do.

And hypothetically, there might be a bloke out called pret plate let's say that and i went to his page once and there was like a 15 second message 15 seconds wow that wow if that yeah and uh look i don't i don't blow our own horn but um i don't think there's been too many that have gone under 10 minutes tommy is that fair to say uh yeah i think they're all around like the 8 to 10 minute mark or so. Yeah. Some a few more, I would have thought. Yeah, I will say the one difference there is that it's two people.

Like I think if we were two of us doing a 15 second one, brutal. But the opposite is also true. If you saw Brett Blake churning out a 12 minute happy birthday to someone, you'd think there's something wrong here. Yeah, yeah.

You're a bad person at heart. If you think you talking to yourself for 12 minutes is a good idea, you're a sociopath of some form. I mean, I'm trying to give value on the bad impressionist cameo, but I'm getting close to two minutes and going, fuck, this is a long time to be talking to yourself in a room. The ones I've watched I've enjoyed. I think you play at the perfect length.

I think it's good. But yeah, no, you're right. If I have to talk to myself, fuck that. That's fucking crazy. But yeah, we probably go a bit too long. But anyway. I think we do do a bit too long. I think we've made a mistake putting the time out there

and now we're under some kind of obligation to match that. But you know, we're basically, we're just riffing until we're out of steam. I think we're riffing until we think

we've covered everything. We're scared that we're going to under deliver. Yes. And by having that fear is what makes us some of the great dummios.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're some of the best talent on there. Definitely. Yeah. We're in the top percentile is from what I read on the weekly stats. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, why the fuck did I bring this up? What were we up to before I said that? I was saying about the idea of a podcast listener committing a crime against the host and saying that there's bands that I like that if I had access to their house, I wouldn't go and commit a crime. Fucking absolutely.

I mean, just running back over them, it's just reminding me of what a fucking great riff it was. Yeah. You really feel good about it, just spelling it out plainly as you're trying to remember it. Yeah. Fuck. There was a link.

What the fuck am I talking about? We're getting a lot of Oh yeah yeah That's what I meant to do That's what I meant to say What I'm enjoying is We're getting a lot of requests From people From names

I've never even fucking heard of So you see the regular Cast of characters On the social media Oh yeah right right right It's nice to think That there are people out there We've never heard of before

Yes And we're starting to Cop a bit of that That enjoy it Listen listen to it. Yeah. Maybe they recommend it to people, and that's where the relationship ends. Yeah. Beautiful moment where it's like, oh, my girlfriend's obsessed with your show, and her name is fucking

Annie Finkelstein. Yeah. And I'm like, great. Never fucking heard of you. Yeah. Love the idea that there's someone that loves this show that is also respectful enough to never fucking contact us. Yeah.

It doesn't feel the need to be getting under every Instagram post and telling us to fuck off and kill ourselves. Just like, yeah, like they put an ep out, I consumed it, end of relationship. Yeah, feels no need

for when I put out a second social media post of going, hey guys, did you listen to the latest ep that came out three days ago? Yes. Thanks for asking.

Yeah. Yeah. I did. What else? Yes. Thanks for asking. Yeah. Yeah. I did. What else? Yeah. Cool. Cool, man. Thanks, Gavin.

Yeah. Thanks, Gav. Thank you, Mr. Atypical Listener. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jackson Winter. Now, there's a bit more happening with this name. That's for sure. There's a lot more happening. Winter is a last name. Winter is a last name.

Winter is a last name. Very interesting. I bet this guy hates Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah. A catchphrase from that. Winter is coming. He must fucking hate it. What about during sex, though?

Yeah, okay. Maybe he... Winter is coming. Maybe he's into it. Maybe he scours the conventions. The Game of Thrones conventions, ready to do some of his best work. Bit of a red wedding, if you know what I'm saying.

On the absolute vinegar stroke and just pulls that one out. Winter is coming. Look, that'd go great the first go. That'd get a bit old, I guess, for the partner of Jackson Winter, potentially. Well, that's why he's got to be pretty non-monogamous. To be old. If you've been gifted a name like that. Yeah.

Right. Bit of photoshoppery. If his mates haven't come through with that very early doors, with a bit of Jackson is coming and just photoshopping just spoof exploding out of me. The idea of Jackson's group of friends being big fans of Game of Thrones. And then I think I assume that was just from an episode. There was just a first episode of Game of Thrones where that phrase got uttered.

Yeah. Them just watching it and hearing that come out and be like, oh my God, Jackson is never going to believe this. And you'd like to think that Jackson hates the show. That makes it a lot sweeter. If everyone around him loves it, they're constantly tagging him in winter is coming memes. He, for whatever reason, cannot stand the show. Tried the books, hated them.

Tried the show, hates it. All of it. Never gotten into it. I'm looking him up. I can't find him. I can't find him. Because I'm guessing this guy. This guy.

Sorry, but I've got beard vibes. I've got facial hair vibes all over again. I don't know if this is... Could this be him? Could this be him, Tommy? I'm not getting any mutual friends. He's not in a group or anything. Okay.

There's this character. I'm scared this might be him. What do you think? Look at pretty hipster. Yeah, it's a good... It's a good chance, though, isn't it? It's a good chance. Yeah.

It's a good chance. Yeah. Maybe post a photo in the patreon group right and say is this any is this a photo of someone in here right should i just do that now yeah okay yeah and then hopefully we'll have an answer by the time we uh all right okay we can have a bit by the time this comes out we'll know a bit more all right but yeah so i'm putting this in the patreon um group that That's just for Patreon people. Yeah.

Little Dumb Dumb Club, Millionaire Club. Yeah. Okay. So I'm posting it and just saying, is this anyone here? Yeah. All right. There'll be a lot of people going, I don't understand this reference from the pod. I must have missed that episode.

Yeah. But yeah, do we want to, let's describe him. He's got like long black hair. He's got a, was it a moustache? I'd say black, dark brown hair. Was it a moustache? Yeah, kind of a moustache. Holding a VB.

Yeah. Looking a bit hip, hipster. Yep. Drinking a VB, semi-ironically. Yeah. I have to assume. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Just looking a little bit too clever, I think. What's the location? Do you have that on his? Sydney. Okay. Which adds to it, in my opinion. He's got the VB and he's from Sydney.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's taking the piss. He's got some sort of a yacht jumper on or something. Mm-hmm. Just a bit too much irony going on everywhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Yeah.

Probably listens to this ironically. Oh, yeah, I'm a big fan of that podcast. Yeah, yeah, podcast yeah with those two funny guys yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm i'm feeling pretty vulnerable actually i think he's he's laughing at us yeah and giving us but also strange to be mocking us while giving us money and and also yeah but that's just part of it look i feel weird at him laughing at us. I also feel weird when people laugh with us. It's just an odd sensation. Hearing laughter.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, there's no update yet. No one's jumped on us straight away. Well, we might by the end of recording. Jackson Winter does sound a bit hipstery as well, doesn't it? I like the name, I've got to be honest.

I'm into it. I like Jackson as a first name. Jackson's worn me down, I think. It's like I originally really liked the name I gotta be honest I'm into it I like Jackson as a first name Jackson's worn me down I think it's like originally I really liked the name and now it feels

just too hipster too I don't know too many people have had it now I'm a bit over it Winter though I'm pretty cool

that's pretty cool yeah that's really cool yeah pardon the pun oh he's done it again can never turn this shit off, can you? The accidental punner.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate puns. And God, I'm dismayed when, you know, you say one by accident. You're like, oh, yeah, this. And then the people around you go, ah, good pun. And you're like, oh, fuck, whoops.

Didn't really mean to do that just completely by accident. Oh, yeah, no, you've done a pun. You know what I don't like is that they work in terms of like if I'll write for a TV show or something and then there'll be a chance for a pun, I go, I'm now at the stage where I'm like, I'll just put that there and that'll work. Yeah. People are into it. People are into it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because it's a real thing where puns are things that people, it touches the impulses of your brain where you go, that technically is a joke that should be recognized in some way. Yes. And I think there's also a bit of, I think people enjoy them because you get to feel smart for having worked it out. Right. Because you get it.

You're like, well, there'd be people that this would go over their head. He said cool. And he was talking about winter. Now, I'm part of the intelligentsia. I'm a Mensa member. I got this. Not everyone would. So, I'm not some idiot watching Two and a Half Men.

I'm laughing at Frasier. A little bit of comedy bingo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Yep, yep, got that one. Got that bit. Exactly. That's you, Jackson.son yeah that is you um you know look maybe being a hipster is not bad i don't know it's pretty gut feeling to sort of like you've been trained to sort of go yeah being a hipster is bad i don't even really know what it

is anymore in 2020 like it was a thing for kind of felt like it was a thing for a red hot minute. And then just as a broad definition, like I always hate it in comedy when people go, oh, this hipster guy came up and it's like, what does that mean? That could mean anything. What they had a bike or they had a beard. Like it just became this all encompassing umbrella for so many different things. That it was just kind of what became one of those like lazy. It's not like a

goth where it's like a very clear defined visual just like what they're wearing a checkered shirt having said that i maybe look i did this the other day i haven't i hadn't gone for a drive in quite a while and gone to a different suburb really like with all the you know the situation we're in and everything the other day i decided to go to a cafe in Fitzroy. Yeah. Having spent eight, nine months straight in Hawthorne, it just doesn't take too long to just drive a few suburbs over and I got to Fitzroy.

I was like, oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. I get it. Here we go. Yeah. Yeah, bloody someone comes in and they're asking the barista for a soy skinny decaf mocha latte chino. Great comedy stuff.

Very funny. And then the barista was bloody pissed off and hungover because it's Sunday morning. No, just... You're eating your smashed avo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, just the increase in secondhand clothing and fruity little haircuts. I mean, it was like a little comedy sketch. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, but I did get it because I hadn't done it for so long. And then just to walk into just a storm of it, I was like, there's a cliche for a reason. Now, I'm not saying it's like particularly funny, but I'm like i recognize that this is a cultural phenomenon yeah there is that stuff going on someone's got an eye if we could just that'd be good if someone like fitzroy if you could just go you know what you need to have let's clean up this suburb you need to be wearing like at 50% to 60% of clothes that are irony-free.

You need to mean what you're wearing. Right. And how do you do that? The fashion police, literally. Okay, right. Someone's on the street. But when you say mean what you're wearing, how would you define that? Well, see, look, I'm not the law, but there needs to be, there could

be a judge of, a panel of people that could be figuring that out. Okay. But you just can't be wearing, you know, like fucking woolen fluffy hats and a Bart Simpson t-shirt and everything, like something, you know. Okay. Just, you've got to have, you've got to be wearing 50% of something maybe from Uniqlo or something, you know, just. Just a base.

Yeah. Just a baseline. So a base pair of like normal jeans. Yeah. Pretty standard pair of sneakers. And then do whatever you want with the t-shirt. Maybe like they have in America where they have like a bit of colour. What they call colour when you're working in a shop or whatever.

So you have a few badges or something. Oh, right. Give yourself a little bit of personality. Right. Everyone should dress like they're working at TGI Friday. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

I like this. Right. So it's not just, you can't, those badges that they wear, you can't just have them all over your body. Okay? Just use them as your colour. On the suspenders. Yeah.

Just on the suspenders. You can't just, you can't have shoes made out of those badges and pants made out of those badges and a shirt and a hat made out of those badges. Just use them as a badge. It's no longer a badge then. Okay. Yeah. So you think to make fashion more sensible, we just need everyone wearing a fuckload of

badges, but just on one part of the body. Yeah. That's how you show your personality. Right. That's how you show your personality. Yeah. The rest of it, you know, black jeans, gray shirt. Everyone's just in all white. Yeah. All the time. Yeah, the rest of it, you know, black jeans, a gray shirt. Everyone's just in all white.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the time. Yeah. And then you've got just like on the breast, you've got, that's where you're allowed your little bit of personality. Yeah. Everyone gets five badges. Yeah.

And on the badges can be whatever you want. Yes. And then everything else is just like completely plain. And if we can fix that, if everyone can do that, I will no longer be slightly annoyed in the rare times when I walk down Brunswick Street in Fitzroy. Oh, you were annoyed by this? Slightly annoyed. You were slightly annoyed by this?

I was going, hmm, okay. It's all a bit trying hard, I thought. Okay. So that was my slight problem. And if we can just fix society, I'll never have to feel that very mild emotion again but you've got to remember

you're on their turf you know you're walking down the street they're going look at this cunt in his fucking hat and shoes from a soccer team

yeah yeah yeah you know they outnumber you yeah yeah well you're the guy jumping into the line enclosure and going

what's all this bullshit they can they can make up their laws yeah I'm just making up a law that's probably not going to be followed all this bullshit? They can make up their laws. Yeah. I'm just making up a law that's probably not going to be followed through or anything. Yeah.

On their hipster podcast, they can come up with their hypothetical new rules that stop the time where they come down for a fucking smash-davo toasted sandwich for $17 and then go, I was annoyed at this cunt for fucking wearing a Liverpool shirt. Well, but this goes both ways because then you're in all white as well just with five Liverpool badges. Oh, yeah. You know, this world, this like future society where the only way any of us are expressing ourselves

are through five separate badges. I don't mind it because then meeting people, you know, you could cut to the chase with small talk. Yeah. It's like take a little look on the chest there. Oh, there we go. There's the five things we're into that we can talk about. So like a little

traffic light party. Yeah, or you take a look, you know, you see the five badges, you go, eh, not for me. Yeah. Don't like that movie.

Yeah. Not into that sport. Yeah. Don't care about that band. I'll go over here and find someone else that's got five that kind of line up with me.

It's your little face. It's your little, what is it, MySpace top five face. Yes, exactly. Yeah. See, it's not too bad. See, we could literally do a traffic light party like this where you go in with, you're

all wearing black or all wearing white, whatever it is, and just do exactly that and have your five badges on there. Yep. That would be interesting. It's not bad. I reckon that's interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

And they're five, yeah, like cultural things that you're interested in pick a food yeah a movie pick a um person yep pick a what else it's like your specialty subjects that you're into you could talk a lot about yeah yeah a color wow that is a fucking dull person who's just like, I only want to talk about red. But that's just like a little addition to four other things that you're naming. It's just like a nice little, you know, like a little side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a little maybe emotional hint or something like that. Okay.

Yeah. It doesn't have to be that. It's just a suggestion. Or, you know, maybe it's interesting to try and work out, like guess like why you've got that on there. It's not just, so you, for example, maybe you don't have any Liverpool stuff. Maybe you just have a red badge. Yeah.

And so it's like, why have I picked red? Well, you could have a little wildcard badge where it's like, okay, you pick the things. Like, you go, okay, look, like I said, a person, a movie. Yep. What else did I say? Food. A food, an animal Yep

And then you can have a wild card one Where you put whatever the fuck you want on there Okay So four of them have to be from a set category Yeah, yeah, yeah And then a fifth is Yeah I like the idea that five are all up to you

So if you're Just being someone that's got five food badges Yeah Just being like Jesus Christ Yeah You've got one of a schnitzel A bolognese garlic

bread you can issue that way in client you could still use it that way you can have you know the person you can have the swedish chef or fucking jamie oliver or something like that yep yeah and then um you know the movie chef yeah an animal you can just have a roast chicken on there or something yeah yeah if you really want to get across to people that you like food you can do it this way yep don't mind it at all yeah i think we could do a live show like that where it's just uh a lot we've talked about this very vaguely but you know like a we could do a singles what if we did a singles live podcast yeah or like a speed dating yeah live podcast singles where again how do you police that where you just check people for wedding rings, check everyone's Facebook profile on the way in.

Yeah, yeah. People they're in photos with and whatever. Smell the dick. Nah, this has been used recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is, they walk in, they've got like a condom on already. It's like, oh, okay. Well, maybe they're not in a long-term relationship.

Yep, yep. So just horny singles at a live show. I wonder if the atmosphere... Oh, they have to be horny? Yeah. I wonder if the atmosphere would be different if we knew we had no married people or taken people in our live show. Do you think that would be a better or a worse environment?

And are we doing anything with this? Is this part of the show? Yeah, I think so. So we're basically up there. So we are having speed data. It's just a singles thing. I think we would. Maybe we're trying to match make from on stage.

We would pluck some of these people out of the crowd, I reckon, and do a little bit of a blind date set up. Because I think we would love to play with what people have got on their badges. We'd like to dissect what they've got. Yeah, I don't know if it'd be... Because you're opening yourself up to... You're having a lot of people just come by themselves, which typically not a great audience for comedy.

You know, you want a few people in the mix who are there kind of together. Yeah, maybe. I don't know. Look, honestly, I'd be into finding this out. I'd like to know. I'd like to know the energy of just singles. Singles night. And I'd also like, I'd especially like the idea of ratting out and having people rat it out when they've tried to sneak in and they're not single at all.

Well, then maybe the next night because then, of course, you have people start to complain like, oh, well, I want to, you know, I'm missing out on a live show and I'm married. So then the next day, we do a marriage counselling show. Anyone who's in a fucking dire relationship, put your hands up, get up on stage. We try and fix it up. Or I also like the idea of

like some super fans out there that are like, I really want to go. Well, I guess I'm dumping my wife tonight. Right, right, right. And they just come along to the show. Yep. Yep.

Well, thanks, Jackson. Thanks, Jackson. Thanks, Jackson. I can tell. Yep. Long way from home, weren't we? Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Brendan Smith. Okay. Yeah, we're back into a...

We're back. Not a lot to deal with here. And we've been doing a lot about like... Didn't we have a... We had a Bennett that you thought was called Brenton at one point. Yeah. So it feels like we've kind of already done this. And Smith, there's.

Should we put a ban on people called anything vaguely like Brendan? I think so. Yeah. Um, yeah. Brendan Smith. Oh, there must be some people that are signing up and going, do I want my name read out or do I want to make Talking Dumb Dumb worse? Yeah. Thanks to me?

Yeah. And also then your name's out there, it's public. People that don't enjoy that part of the show, they can look you up and go, thanks a lot, fuckhead. Yeah. Thanks for ruining five minutes out of the podcast for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Why did you have to use your real name? Why didn't you call yourself Up The Bum Jones? Just for Patreon. Johnny Penis. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Cumface.

What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Yeah. Bennett. Wait, no. Brendan? Brendan. Brendan Smith.

Brendan Smith. Old smudger himself. Yeah. God, what do you say about this one? I'm just looking back in the records here. Like three weeks ago we had, three or four weeks ago we had Bernadette Smith. Like, guys, can you get together and just make sure you've got sort of like different names? Like, it's just too... I feel, yeah, I feel like we've done this one a dozen times.

I really feel. And also this already has been going for so long as well. How long has it gone for? 52 minutes. The episode went for an hour and 15 minutes. And then we're getting something like this that it feels like we've done hundreds of times. I feel absolutely fucking tapped out on the old content stream. There's barely anything left in the tank.

Yeah. content stream. Yeah. There's barely anything left in the tank. Yeah. All right. We've got, we've got, the lining of the petrol tank is like, it's a thin film of fuel. You know what this is like? This reminds me of a certain drive back from Canberra that we did one time.

The little needle's gone down to empty. Right. The light's come on. Oh, yeah. The light came on a while ago. Yeah. Guess what's happening now the light is blinking yeah i'm thinking yeah fuck me if i don't get into a

servo soon yeah we are having a call the racv and brendan is absolutely not petrol no it is just sugar in the gas tank yeah this stage. Not helping things. Thanks to Brendan, we are absolutely hoping that there's no hills coming up. Yes. Well, maybe. I mean, again, as we found out on that drive to Canberra, sure, you're stressing going up that hill. But then once you're on the other side.

Yeah, it feels good. It feels good. Foot coming off the pedal, getting a bit of drift up the other end. So what we need now is this is all uphill for Brendan Smith we need to just get to the crest of that hill we need to find that bit where we find the top of the hill and then cruise from there on we're using precious resources here and look

I'm having to give it a bit on the pedal to get us up the hill but look it's all for the greater good because also the other thing too is that this is another thing that was happening on that drive. You get into the top of that hill and then you're just praying that from that vantage point you can see that beautiful BP sign off in the distance.

And more often than not, getting up the top there and just seeing nothing out on the horizon and going, oh my God. Sometimes getting on top of that hill and finding another hill. Yeah. So we're just praying we get up the top there and we can see. We know that we're getting the drift off the back of that. That's a given.

But we're praying that we get some kind of life raft once we're at the top, once we're able to see a bit further. Yeah. And, oh, my God. I don't know. I don't know if we're getting it. I don't know if we're getting it. I don't think we're going to get it.

I don't think we're getting it. Yeah. I think we've gotten up it. I don't think we're going to get it. I don't think we're getting it. Yeah. I think we've gotten up there and I'm picturing it's about 7 o'clock at night. Yeah. It's even making it a bit worse. Have you got reception? Have you got a membership with the Royal Association of Comedy Vehicles? Oh, that was the worst thing as well because I'm always a roadside assistant guy.

But, of course, that's Victoria, not fucking New South Wales. Yes. Yeah, we hadn't quite crossed the border yet. I don't think we had. No. We need to go on a road trip, I reckon. We need to do something like that. That'd be fun.

When we've gone and done shows in Canberra, we've driven up there, haven't we? Yeah. That's not bad For all except one Really Yeah we flew up once Did we Yeah the last one we did Did we

Yeah I can't even remember that Where was the show That big band room At the uni Did we fly up to that Yeah they flew us up Oh they did too

Yeah you did right Okay now I remember Now I remember Yeah, Brendan Yeah, I'm afraid we're out of fuel I think we're stopping by the side of the road I think we're We're just conking out

Yeah You're getting the jerry can I think we're Going for a long walk To fill up the jerry can I would think we're... Going for a long walk to fill up the jerry can at the nearest servo. You know what? I would like to do that at some stage. That would be a nice...

The walk to... The walk or even the thumb out. Well, yeah. So when we... We would have talked about... I'm pretty sure we talked about it on the pod at the time. But when we did that drive back where we truly thought we were going to conk out, we were all just kind of like, oh my God.

And then you sort of start to get a bit excited because it's like, this will be so fucked if this happens. Yeah. This is such a funny story. And then we, God knows how much longer we had left, but we just made it into a servo by, I would imagine, the skin of our teeth. We can't have had much more to play with there. It was actually a little bit disappointing.

Yeah, because we were just thinking, fuck, this is going to happen. Yeah. We're going to have nothing. Yeah. That's what happened for me. I was looking forward to it and then it just didn't happen. It's a bit underwhelming.

You're like, the worst thing's going to happen. How funny is that? Oh, no, it's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Who was it? Was it just us and Noxy maybe i feel like it was that trip yeah maybe because yeah it was the show that we did with yeah i think you're not see

dill and dastyari and dastyari was already there dill had flown back because he had a gig and so it was just us and noxy maybe Maybe. Was that the Becky one? I don't... Anyway. Yeah. There's no way of us ever knowing. Yeah. Unless we looked it up,

which would take two seconds. Well, how would we look this up? How would we look up which episode did we almost run out of petrol on the way home from? Oh, yeah. Was it Noxy with... I don't know. Anyway, whatever.

Thanks, Brendan, I guess. Thanks. Yeah. We better... Yeah. Look. Okay. I don't know Noxy with I don't know Anyway whatever Thanks Brendan I guess Thanks Yeah We better Yeah Okay Thank you to Patreon subscriber

Lee Stegs Lee Stegs Yeah Fucking hell You know what that sounds like Least eggs Oh yeah He has the least eggs He has the least eggs He has no eggs That's the least That's me right now You know what that sounds like? Least eggs. Oh, yeah. He has the least eggs.

He has the least eggs. He has no eggs. That's the least. That's me right now. You're welcome to look in the fridge. There are none in there. Oh, really? It doesn't get any less than that.

That's you. Least eggs. I could owe eggs. If I borrowed eggs from someone and then had to reimburse them so I had a negative egg count. If you had a sign on the fridge that said, I owe you eggs. Yeah. Or if I had some eggs in there that had gone rotten would that count as a negative eggs no because they're still eggs that doesn't change their physical form they're still technically

eggs yeah i guess you're right yeah yeah they are eggs um the least eggs you have the least eggs out of anyone I've ever met. Next question. Do you think this person's ever heard that before? I think I'm not that perceptive with those names, given that we've talked about this on the show, but a Patreon subscriber and a personal friend of mine, a childhood friend, my friend Peter Field, I read his name out once and people went,

you're just saying the word peter feel yeah as in peter file yep and i was like i've never thought of that before ever yeah yeah so i think i'm not very perceptive with that sort of thing so surely someone else has done that least the least eggs i can't wait to yeah i can't wait to find that out from old Lee. Absolutely let us know, Lee. Please. And do you like eggs? Yeah. Are you a fan?

Yeah. Maybe Lee's vegan. Doesn't ever engage in the old eggs. Just like the great man Hughes himself. He opened a box of eggs the other day. There was none in there. What do you think about eggs? Eggs, to me, are like potatoes.

In a good way. Yeah. Love them. Can do plenty with them. Yeah, very versatile. A lot of good stuff. A lot of good stuff with them. Yep.

Top three eggs. Oh, okay. Poached. I feel like we were talking about this recently. Are we? I don't know. I guess hollandaise counts as a four because you make hollandaise with egg. So.

Oh, okay. Right. Hollandaise is up there. Hollandaise may be number, yeah. Top three ho Hollandaise maybe number yeah. Top three Hollandaise and then the

like soy sauce marinated egg that you get in a bowl of ramen the way the Japanese do it. Great.

And then the egg salad sandwich from 7-Eleven in Japan. We have had this conversation quite often. Have we? Yeah.

We had exactly that conversation. Surely not. Well I was talking about that sandwich on this very recently i don't know if it's the same context but who knows you've got it you've got to fucking roll around at some stage sure um i had bacon and eggs the other day for the first time in fucking ages it was good it It was bacon, it was eggs, scrambled eggs, and then bacon chopped up and put in it. Instead of just like that. Instead of not getting your own choice to allocate how much bacon with how much egg. Just all whacked in one thing.

Good. Yeah, I like that. I like when you go to a place where scrambled eggs can be done badly, can be very plain and very shit. Like when you get a bit of flavour in there. A bit of buffet eggs. Some chives or, you know, however they're doing it. When it comes out, I never go for it as the default because in my head I just think I've been burnt too many times.

Right. But then when you're out to breakfast with someone and they just get a fucking ripper from the place you're at, you think, God damn. I tell you what, the sunny side up eggs look great. I think they look better than what they are. I wish they were as good as what they look. I think I'm always disappointed. Just the aesthetics are so great

and then I'll have fun and go, no, it's okay. I never really think to go for them because it's definitely, I prefer, yeah, a poached or a, if it's a really good scrambled, a scrambled or even an omelette. But then every now and then when I'm just in the mood,

like if I'm cooking eggs at home, I'll make them sunny side up and that's always good stuff. Yeah. I feel like I want one today. I might go home and make one today. I've got good eggs in the fridge. See, here's the thing.

Every now and then when I see my mother, her go-to thing is to bring eggs. Oh, great. From the farm. Yep. Farm eggs. Big eggs. Yep. Big and yellow.

That's what you need. Big and yellow. Mm-hmm. They look good. Love that. Yep. Big and yellow. That's what you need. Big and yellow. They look good. Love that. Yeah. I have sometimes, and she brings a lot of them, which means I am the opposite of this bloke. Sometimes I am most eggs.

Yeah. God, if there's someone in this family called Mo, that is unbelievable. Let's get in touch. Morris eggs. Morris stegs. Mo stegs. Mo Steggs. Mo Steggs. You've got to let us know if there's a Mo in the family.

And if not, if you're having a child, my God. From Lee Steggs to Mo Steggs. What an intro. Exactly. For a father and son. Yep. Insane. Yep.

That would be great. All right. Well, you've got some homework lee um um take the the dinger off tonight and go for it and create a little mo yep yep create a little mini egg baron yep um a little uh egg maniac a little egg fanatic yep that. That'd be good. Shoot your little swimming eggs. Yep. Oh. Wife's reproductive eggs.

There we go. Put more than least of your eggs in there. I do. I know you're saying it's unlikely, but I do like the idea that this person has never heard this before in their life and they're just absolutely having their mind blown. I'm excited about this now. Calling up everyone

they've ever met where the fuck were you on this one please let us know asap yeah if you've copped this one before and i have to say i'm gonna be a bit disappointed if you have copped it now yeah and if you have a relative called mo yes all right asap let us know please Having a baby and calling it Mo Is so fucking funny Especially if it's just for a joke About your surname That's great Alright well thanks Lee

Thanks Least For sure Alright fuck We're at the crest of the hill I think that gave us the boost We're just over the top of the hill now. That's it. It's just we've got one to go.

That's it. And we've turned the engine off. We're sailing. We've taken off the – we've put it into neutral. Yep. And let's just go downhill from here. That's it. Just cruise, relax, let what will be be.

Yep. We'll do one more. It's been a long day. So. All right. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Bottleshopguycomedy. Ah. Ah.

Bottleshopguy, all one word? Yeah, sure. Okay. Bottleshopguycomedy. Yeah. Huh. Yeah. So I guess, I don't know if I've talked about this before,

back in the day people were named after what they did. Right. So this guy's last name is Comedy. So he must have been like a comedian. This is me. This is how I win. Yeah. All right.

Thanks for listening, everyone. Bye. Night.