The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 533 - Rhys Nicholson & Greg Larsen

Episode Date: December 15, 2020

Two dusty boys, RHYS NICHOLSON and GREG LARSEN join us hot off the back of a big old silly season party. We talk mixing drinks, Greg's cool new shirt, Playstation 5, Rhys' first job in Newcastle AND there's an imposter Tommy Dassalo causing mischief in the world, so we try and get to the bottom of what his plans are and how he's managed to steal Tommy's identity. It's like a true crime podcast for idiots! PLUS in Talking Dum Dum, we issue a challenge for anyone attending our upcoming live show in Perth! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Greg Larson and Rhys Nicholson. We have some live dates coming up that we are going to be talking to you about at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. And not only that... Well, let's just say it very quickly at the top, Tommy. We've got Melbourne Surprise Live Podcast, Saturday 19th of December, 4.30pm. Get your tickets. Well, go back in time and get them because they're sold out. I think they're sold out by now.

Yep, yep. And then we're in Perth. That just went on sale the other day, and that is well on its way to being sold out, and that is on Sunday, January 24th in Perth. So go to our website for tickets like that. If you're looking for more entertainment, you know, look, all the comedy's back open, basically, in Australia, especially in Melbourne.

If you're from Melbourne, I, of course, run comedy during the week. If you go to melbournecomedy.com.au, you can go to Spleen on a Monday and see new stuff, or you can see Absolute Pros, heaps of friends of the show and stuff like that, at Basement Comedy Club

on Friday and Saturdays at the moment, 8pm. So go to melbournecomedy.com.au or go to the socials for Basement Comedy to see who's coming up. And I'll stamp your wrist on the door. Whoa, you've sold me. Yeah.

Well, I'll stamp more than your wrist, buddy. Very nice. Sex. Very nice. Like sex. Well, we will be back at the end of the episode with more hot riffs like that one. Enjoy this new episode with Greg Larson and Rhys Nicholson.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead.

Wow, you really warmed up for it. Yeah. Fired up. I've been listening back to a few episodes. I sound a little bit croaky when I start off with it. I thought,

nah, I'm going to nail this. The passion's gone. It's time to give this show a shot in the arm. I'm rebooting myself. This is all new me. I've got heaps of material for this episode.

Yeah. So I'm like, I'm like a fucking steam train. I've got heaps of material for this episode, so I'm like a fucking steam train. Get out of my way. The notepad in front of you looks like a phone book. Absolutely. Tabs poking all the way out of it. I'm going full Rain Man style. So what should I start with?

Oh, wow. Well, let's bring our guests in. Maybe they can make some requests for material they'd like to hear. Please welcome back onto the show, Rhys Nicholson and Greg Larson. Hey, thank you for having us. Yes. You guys were at a Christmas party last night. It's a bit of a dusty Sunday morning,

I get the impression. I know. I kind of am more like, I think because we drank, we all left at like... We left at 10 or 10.30ish, but we also started drinking it. I mean, I was drinking before I got there.

Yeah. I like to have a few as is your way yeah the Queensland boy yeah and then and starting off with Negronis and stuff

like really getting into the cocktails starting to the hard stuff with Negronis because it's like I am of the opinion that it's always a bad decision

when you hit 10pm and you've had your 12 beers in and then you go alright let's have a cocktail yeah let's whip out an espresso martini at midnight and not sleep for four days.

That's when the bad shit happens. So I try and get that out of the way first. Let the bad shit happen. Yeah, then go back to beer. But I was all over the show. I was getting into the gin, the beer, the wines. Because it was a party where people had, it was one of those ones where people have jobs.

Everyone like, people brought a round of drinks and stuff. So it was all party where people had It was one of those ones where people have jobs Everyone like People brought a round of drinks and stuff So the It was All over the shop Like the thing Yeah there was no I remember Like I think the fourth thing we drank was like

Mimosas or something It's like this is A wild card People's approach to the drinks is like a bird that's gotten inside It's just kind of flapping around all over the place Losing it's mind Overwhelmed You're having a chocolate tart

first thing in the morning and then you're moving on to fucking roast and then a garlic bread or whatever. Poached eggs at midnight. That's just a normal day for me. You have not described anything out of the ordinary. Sorry, sorry. What I was trying to do then was paint a picture of something weird. Be absurd. Living the Greg lifestyle.

Just call it having a Greg. Having a big geggy. Having a geggy. I have found since coming out of lockdown, because we were drinking so much in lockdown. Really? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't. I was the opposite. I avoided it. Really? Oh, my God. I got into some edibles. Oh, yeah, same. And then I went real crazy.

But no, I think it was because I knew this is probably a bad time to get into some serious drinking. Right. You know what I mean? Plus, I'm definitely like a summertime drinker. I'm a big summer Greg, you know? Summertime sadness.

Yeah. Can I ask very quickly in the middle of this? The edibles and, you know, whatever you were imbibing, were they, when I see the stuff you put out on Twitter, is that connected to when you were... And they were the edibles and whatever you were imbibing, when I see the stuff you put out on Twitter, is that connected to when you were... And they were cocaine edibles.

I don't know if we made that clear. Your tweets connected to, were they completely sober Greg? I think there was one tweet that was in the midst of an edible experience, which was simply I have a new character called Greg Soprano and I can't wait to unveil it at the comedy clubs.

And that was based on me line dancing in my house to the Sopranos theme song for an hour. I think we interacted during that because you were talking about the Comedy Republic, maybe. Yes. No, that wasn't, yes. But like that was long after I had come down from that high. But then went, no, you know, long after I had come down from that high.

But then went, no, you know, Greg Soprano in the light of day has some legs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love the idea of a guy who doesn't know that edibles mean drugs because it's such a vague term and just thinks that it's literally food. And so hearing that story and being like, yeah, man, I was also hitting the edibles pretty hard in lockdown. I was on it every day. Chicken often like three times a day. Chicken crimpies.

I had three doses. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Off my head. People are like, you have a problem. So you're on the Negronis. Because last night, for people outside of Melbourne, last night as we were recording this was the first night that you could go dancing again, I believe, in the city.

Dancing's back on. We could have gone dancing last night, Greg. You could have hit the discos. That could have been. Greg Soprano absolutely doing a jitterbug. Yeah, oh, my God. That's how Greg Soprano's whole thing. We could have had some edible cocaine and gone to Revolver.

Yeah, first public appearance. Yeah. But it was funny, like, walking through Fitzroy and seeing there's, like, a couple of clubs where there were, like, huge lines of people ready to get in, like, younger kids who've missed going clubbing. And you would think that DJs kind of have the same thing that, you know, we've all had with comedy.

We didn't really get to do our job for, you know, six months or whatever. And then I was in a bar at the Rochester, which usually has DJs in it, and so they had a DJ back for the first night in months. And just watching this guy absolutely phone it in just going like the jackson five into the nut bush and then just like four people in front of him just like very bored like barely dancing at all like the idea of being like yes we're back yeah i'm doing my job it's like i don't know i feel like we've probably all had a gig or two like that so far

with comedy. Yeah, absolutely. Like, especially when it sort of came back and you're out there just going, do I do old gear? Yeah. Which is a waste of my time and a waste of everybody's time. Or do I do... Sounds like good gear.

Or do I do something new Which I don't have Right Yeah But then I saw photos of you The other night Doing a gig in a Garfield costume Yes That you bought online

That was the compromise That I found Was like I don't have any new gear I don't want to do old gear So I might as well Just wear a Garfield costume And what I did

I called it So speaking of Nutbush I called it I called the segment Jokes Joke Flip City Limits. Okay. And I played the song Nutbush City Limits, the karaoke version, but I said Joke Flip City Limits.

And the idea was that I would do a joke, and if you didn't like the joke, I'd do a flip. Right. Because you can get one or the other. But I was really adamant. If you laugh, you can't then say flip because you've had your joke. Man, I've had a similar experiment with it. And these things don't end well.

You treat comedy like a wedding. Something old, something new. Something borrowed, something blue. Depression. But the whole time I kept saying, like, the Garfield costume has nothing to do with it. I've moved house and I didn't have anything to wear. All my clothes are still in the box.

They're on the box. It's a fucking nightmare for me. Just move past it. The Snoopy costume's in the wash. So this is the only thing I had to wear. That's great. You can't get done for public nudity in the week after you've moved house

because it's accepted that your clothes are going to be boxed away and you just have to be walking around naked. That'd be great if that was the only thing you could wear and it was Monday. It's like, I'm fucking doubly depressed now. The thing is as well is like I did one joke

and like the joke was about how I love sitting around and eating lasagna. And then everyone laughed and then I go, hang on a second. Of course, it makes sense. I said, hang on a second. Did you laugh because I'm in a Garfield costume? Because as I've already said, that has nothing to do with it I'm just so I won't accept the laugh

I'm going to do a flip I don't mind that that had nothing to do with the costume that was just one of my jokes anyway on to my next bit about Odie so you

so you what do you mean did a flip so I and that was also what I said I said I've never done a flip so I don't know if I'll do it and then I just got on the ground in a ball and rolled myself over. Technically a flip, a tumble.

And then I asked everyone, did the flip look cool? They said, no, it didn't. I love the idea of a comedy gig where backstage there's just a raft of different costumes. And two minutes before you go on, you get handed one at random. Yeah. And then you just have to make two once you're out there. I wish comedy...

That's a great room. Do that at Comedy Republic. All right. Have a night. I'll do it. A Sunday night or something. It's called cosplay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always love the idea of... What's that? There's that Tom Hanks movie about a comedy club with Sally Field and they all have lockers and stuff. Punch yeah punchline and they've all yeah they've all used it but like it's the same as like that's what i always imagined you know if you go to like a movie studio and you think am i going to just see guys dressed as centurions walking around yeah like an alien no you're not gonna you're gonna see very sad people in an industry crumbling. Yeah. But I started with this with a point and that's gone.

It's gone. It's gone. It is also a deal. I like that, you know, and you can have like marijuana baked into cookies and stuff like that. Yep. That's exactly what it is. That's what it is. Yeah, well, but I was like, hang on a minute.

I got an idea for you folks. I was like, hang on a minute. I've got an idea for you folks. But it's a shame that heroin isn't, like, you can't put that in food. Because the sort of people that have heroin, I reckon, could do with a bit of a feed. I think you can put it in, like, a drink. Can you? I think you can put it in a drink.

I'm basing this off the show Deadwood. Yeah. Right. When one of the characters drinks basically heroin or opium. Yeah. So, you know. Bit of nine-nines. Yeah. Well, you know, you always see heroin addicts with orange juice.

I do? Yeah, because they have the, don't know what they use to drink their. Oh, I see a bit of like. The methadone with. When someone's walking down the street with a full two litre bottle of milk, I'm like, well, that's connected to that. Because no one's in that much need of calcium. I think the methadone makes you sick.

Like you've got to line your stomach with a little something something. But Carl, you're saying it's a shame they don't put heroin in their food. It sounds like you're basically advocating like, look, it's a great drug and plenty of people don't try it because they're scared of the needles. We need to get the syringe out of the equation and then more people are going to be able to enjoy this wonderful

experience of having heroin. Sneak into a music festival with having injected some heroin into an orange. Yeah. Like a watermelon. You can boil a bunch of watermelon and pour some heroin in there. If you see someone doing heroin, it's like that's 100% not good for you. If you're having it from an orange, it's like, there's a little bit going on.

There's a bit of vitamin in there. Yeah, like people making a bong out of an apple. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, I've turned an orange into a syringe. Yes. Yeah. It's just house hot items. I'm just, you know, look, I'm sure the people at Big Heroin are way ahead of me with this,

but I'm just saying to me, it sounds like a good idea. Yeah. You know, they're really, like, when you look, I'm sure the people at Big Heroin are way ahead of me with this, but I'm just saying to me it sounds like a good idea. Yeah. You know, they're really, like, when you think about it, there actually is a Big Heroin. Like, that's just... Oh, yeah, there probably is. Yeah, well, I mean, that's just the hospitals, right?

Like, just big... Do they make heroin? Big Pharma. Big Pharma is just Big Heroin. The opioids are basically heroin. Yeah. Whatchamacallit, Endone? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

High level painkillers. I'm still trying to think. The other day I had a really bad back. Like hurt my back somehow. I twisted it. And I called up my doctor. Maybe a flip going wrong? Maybe a flip or a tumble.

Flip going wrong, yeah. I called up my doctor and I was like, I'm just, because it was all like phone appointments because they're not doing the face-to-face. And then I was just like, yeah, my back's so sore. I'm like, okay, have you had a sore back before? I'm like, yeah, yeah. And he's like, what have you normally gotten for bad back?

And I was like, endo. He's like, well, I'm not going to give it to you. And I'm like, fucking waste of my time. What do you want? Then you flipped out. Yeah, flipped out. He gave me some Panadine Fort and it wasn't the same. It must have, yeah, I hadn't thought of that.

That must have gone way up. The, like, people trying to scam their doctor into a dodgy painkiller prescription. Yeah. Because I don't have to deal with, like, the face-to-face. Like, if you're too cowardly, just get on the phone, like, yeah, can I please have, can I have some heroin? Can I have some self-medicate? Just self-medicate at home.

It's called alcohol, you idiot. Get on the nagoonies. Get some heroin. Yeah. My partner and I were drinking a bottle of wine each and then drinking, just as a settler before bed, three martinis in a row all throughout lockdown. I saw you a couple of months ago and I was like,

you had legitimately, I don't notice this that much, but you put on weight. Oh, yeah. I put on eight kilos during lockdown because I just was frying food and drinking With abandon I was like, well, turns out I tied my whole personality and wag into comedy And when that goes away, I don't have anything else

So I had to create a new one And that was a fat man It was pretty fun for like two weeks at the very start of the lockdown Before we knew how long it was going to stretch Of just like, all bets are off, this is sick karen and i watched four movies a day genuinely we just watched four movies that we made a list at the start we're like let's just work through the ones we were meant to watch yeah and then we'd end up just watching a harrison ford movie right a lot of like a lot of movies that you know who the good and the bad guy is yeah like all right

this is binary i can understand this this. I'm very drunk. Yeah. Great. Yeah. Well, you know, we're out of lockdown. Things are looking up for, you know, for all of us, for the comedy industry, people's personal lives. I got a letter in the mail the other day from the ANZ Bank

to tell me that I had been approved for a personal loan of $25,000. And the money's gone into my account. So, yeah. What do you guys think I should do with the... Well, what have you applied for it with? Yeah, but what would you... If you got $25,000, what do you think you'd do? $25,000.

Yeah, $25,000. Probably pay off all my debts. Yeah, I was thinking I'd probably make my life a bit less full of guilt. I reckon you'd probably get my new edible heroin idea off the ground. You want Shark Tank? Boys, this is what I need the investment for. Heroin burger rings. What do you think?

I mean, you're going to buy a PS5, right? Well, I already had one. I already put the pre-order down before I got approved for the $25,000 loan. What about this apartment made you think that there wasn't already a PS5? Yeah, it's true. I mean, there's living plants in here. Yeah, you're facing it. You've got the best view of it of all.

I haven't got onto PS5s, actually, because I just got one. And all I can think about this whole time is like, fucking, why am I here? I chased you to do this and then two days ago you put a photo up of you with a new PS5. Yesterday. And the last 48 hours I've been sitting there going, Greg's going to cancel. Any minute now he's going to be gone.

Man, Cyberpunk's too good. I can't fucking. It's been hell because I got it and it arrived because we went out to the barbecue yesterday. It arrived an hour before I left. Right, brutal. I was like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Yeah, did you contemplate bringing it with you?

Yeah, what I was actually, because there's a Secret Santa going on and I just couldn't be bothered, to be honest. But what I wanted to do was pack the empty box with stuff, give it to someone and open it up. Because I was playing the character of Uncle Christmas. Very unsettling. Very unsettling. How's it going? I of Uncle Christmas. Very unsettling. Very unsettling.

How's it going? I'm Uncle Christmas. You've got a PS5. And watch someone legitimately for a moment think. That they've got an $800 secret Santa gift. When they open the box, I'm like, you fucking idiot. As if I would give you a PS5, you absolute dunker. One of my favorite bits from yesterday was you as Uncle Christmas,

but your partner Alison said, I'll go and get the shirt and the hat. And you went, what shirt is that? And then she handed you a shirt that said, I'm a fat shit. It just said fat shit and it had a big shit on it. Yeah. And you kind of went, I don't want to put it on. And she went, put it on.

And it was really like, oh. So this was a gift from your partner? No, I don't want to put it on. And she went, put it on. And it was really like, oh. So this was a gift from your partner? No, I had this. That shirt was from Fancy Boy. It was a costume from the Fancy Boy TV show where I played a character. Originally in the script, the character was Fat Cunt. Can I guess what the character I'm writing is? The character is called Fat Cunt.

And the ABC said, you can't. You've already said cunt. You can't say cunt again. You hit the quota. It's got to be fat shit. You've already got your hit character, medium-sized cunt. You can't just name everything cunt. So wait, that shirt was custom-made.

You didn't find it in like a Thailand market or something. Put it on. It's one of two. There's another one. You can get that at Target Country. If you get out of Melbourne or if you go to Geelong, you can get fat cunt.. If you get out of Melbourne, if you go to Geelong, you can get Fat Country shirts. In the Mr. Big section.

People will be in. Do a little run of them and sell them off the back of this episode. People will be into it. Just do a little limited edition, 20 items, and they're all the smallest size you can get is 2XL. It has to be a massive, massive shirt. I've thought before of making really offensive shirts and just going into a Target and just kind of hanging them up.

That's a really good... And then people getting it and then going to the checkout and just watching the staff go, I don't think we sell this. Just go outside the store, just hit refresh on Reddit, like, non-stop, just waiting for it to blow up. Yeah, yeah. You raise a good point.

There must be... There'd be different stock at Target Country, wouldn't there? Like, you'd have to think the T-shirt range. You're walking into a Target Country and seeing a shirt that says, like, my wife is a cunt. The kind of thing that you're not finding in the big city Target stores. Just a bit of a different range. Just a bit of a different mentality out there.

It's on brand for Country. They would get it and go, fuck, that's funny. There is. Maybe it's a little bit like supermarkets. You know like Woolworths it and go, fuck, that's funny. There is. I mean, maybe it's a little bit like supermarkets. You know like Woolworths where they go, you know there's certain stores where they go, we'll save the good apples for pram. Yeah.

And Cranbourne, they don't give a fuck about apples. Just give them grapes stuck together and tell them that it's apples. Maybe it's the same with fashion. Yeah. Novelty t-shirts definitely are going to track harder in different areas. I've been to a Target country a couple of times and the biggest difference was just the actual physical store sucks. Yeah.

It was just like it was kind of falling down. Everyone's pretty sad in this place. They're really small too. You get used to it. You grow up. You think you know the size of a Target. You think you know the minimum size that a Target can be. Yeah. And then you're in there. You up You think you know The size of a Target You think you know The minimum size That a Target can be

And then you're in there You're like This is the size of a fucking Well in Maribor They put it into an old bank Right It's like okay You're walking around

Where you used to get Your dollar mines account And all of a sudden You're getting My wife's account It's insane I want to I want to

I want to ask something too Because I I've always lived my life Under the impression That like If you want to buy some clothes or some household stuff or furniture or whatever, you go to Target if you're going for something cheap but not terrible. But it seems like Kmart. People are obsessed with Kmart. I thought Kmart was like the dog shit bottom tier store. I've always considered Kmart to be the bottom tier. I love Kmart I thought Kmart was like the dog shit bottom tier store right I've always considered Kmart

to be the bottom tier I love Kmart yeah I don't understand but it is the place it's the new fancy two dollar shop isn't it

yeah I'd rate Kmart slightly above Target really absolutely they used to be open 24 hours one around the corner from my house growing up

and my sister and I used to just get stoned and just walk around there at three o'clock the only two people in a giant Kmart and just walk around there at three o'clock. And the only two people in a giant Kmart and just have like four security guards just following us the entire time. It felt very powerful.

Yeah. They had a big lolly. Yeah, Kmart. I could talk about Kmart for years. Let's start it. No more dumb dumb. It's just Kmart podcast. Honestly, there is already one of them.

Oh, really? There's a guy in Adelaide who does a podcast about how much he loves Kmart. Jesus Christ. That sounded like a great idea until you actually spell it out and you go, that's fucked. He's the mayor of Adelaide. Yeah, totally. Yeah.

But yeah, I'd say Kmart, fanciest, and then Target, and then maybe Big W, below Target? I would have gone that in between. I would have gone Kmart Target last see I would have put Target top really no I thought Target was the top

maybe it's just because that's where I buy my Mr Big stuff right I think it was because like when I was a kid you'd go to a big trip would be

to go to Ballarat and they had a big shopping centre and had a Kmart and I'm like this is the best thing I've ever seen in my life I find it very hard

to put that down the hierarchy from the age of 5 till 9 I was like this is fucking Har thing I've ever seen in my life. I find it very hard to put that down the hierarchy. From the age of five till nine, I was like, this is fucking Harrods of Central Victoria. I think maybe it's coloured by the fact that I used to work at Kmart. Oh, well, that's different.

And it was... This all makes sense now. And also the Kmart that I worked at, and actually this totally explains everything. The Kmart I worked at was like the oldest shop in the shopping centre. It explains everything. And it was really shit. This explains my whole life. life there's gonna be a lot of things i'm gonna

ask about and let's see if i go back to cameo but it was yeah it was absolutely like just a rundown store and everything was shit and falling apart and a target came in while i was working at kmart and it was brand new right and everyone was like oh the target and everything was clean and new yeah and good yeah so maybe that's just yeah, and everything was clean and new and good. So maybe that's just you. Yeah, I feel like every now and then, sometimes you're in a mall and the Target or the Kmart will be like a thoroughfare.

You're on maps and you're like, oh, I can get over that other street if I just cut through the Target. And those ones are always just so run down and shit. There's just kids' books on the floor. There's just dresses hanging up in the lolly aisle. They've given up in here. My first job was a discount store,

like one of the, like in Newcastle mall. And it was called Golo. And it was just the most, like just zero plan. Like discount stores just have zero plan. Like they just, we've got this here.

We've got a shipment of out of date fudge. And so that's aisle 12 now. That's all out-of-date fudge. And it was just the – genuinely, that was a real thing. And the books we had – I remember finding out a comedian had the same joke about it in Sydney, but there was a colouring-in book for the movie Happy Feet and penguins are black and white and they live in the snow.

There was nothing to colour in in the entire book book just like a deeply maddening book yeah um but the i remember like because what is it 14 and 9 months you've got a where you learn how to like no is it when you can get a job for that really bizarre age yeah and then when two years later i worked if she's i hated it so much and i realized that they were going to fire me. And they got me to train the new person. So I just trained him really badly. Nice. Like I just spent a week and a half telling him where all the cameras weren't and how to steal because I had just started stealing.

Right. But like weird and just breaking things. I'm also having a breakthrough, I think, right now. I'm also realising this explains everything. Yeah, I love how it's like i trained him badly it's like they were firing you like just you telling him how you did your job normally yeah like they're gonna sack him anyway yeah i'm not gonna give him the benefit of my knowledge that i accrued to a point where they're firing me yeah well then it wasn't fine

it was like just that you know when you become expensive, like when you turn 16 and they're like, oh, we want a new. Oh, because the rates go up. We want a clean boy, a new boy. Yeah. Someone with light in their eyes. So, yeah, you'd buy a PlayStation 5. Yeah, and I think just wipe out my debt. Yeah, okay.

I could do that. Didn't you get the loan for a reason? Okay, so I didn't apply for the loan. I'm not with the ANZ Bank and the money hasn't gone into do that. Yeah. But didn't you get the loan for a reason? Okay, so I didn't apply for the loan. I'm not with the ANZ Bank and the money hasn't gone into my account. Okay. So. What's happened? Why?

This is like how I got a phone call the other day and apparently the Australian tax, like they said, the Australian tax place is going to fine you. The ATP? Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? And there's like this weird robot voice telling me and I was like, what the fuck? And there's like this weird robot voice telling me and I'm like,

and they're like, you better give us your bank details and I'm like, oh shit. Too many, too many businesses have like,

you know, at the end it's like office or center or whatever. Just start calling things like place, joint, thingy,

you know. Like change the Australian Defence Force to like the Australian Defence guys. Yeah. Murder squad Yeah Yeah

MD The money dudes Yeah We're after you So Yeah Can I say quickly Before you go into that

I don't think I said this In the pod But my mum got A call Like a robo call Like that And then told me A couple of weeks later

Oh we got one We got a very concerning call And explained it I was told me a couple weeks later oh we got one we got a very concerning call and explained it i was like yeah they happen all the time and she's like i do that and i go yeah they happen all the time obviously you're not dumb enough to fall for that oh and she's like no no no no no quite the opposite i mean we went to the police station and reported it it's like oh no just i just got that cringe of like, just seeing mum and dad walk in. We'd like to file a complaint. What about, oh, there was a robot voice

on the phone call that asked for money. So if you could just track that down for me. He sounded metallic and silver. Talked with a kind of a, like this. Yeah, if it helps. It happened on this phone. So yeah, if you want to dust this for evidence or something.

Yeah, I've done a composite sketch of who I think did it. It's just Rosie the robot from the Jetsons. Get her, boys. Turned out it wasn't even a police station. It was just a pretend shipping trip. It was a target country. And my dad got a very inappropriate T-shirt. Whoa.

Yeah, so I get this letter in the mail. $25,000 bucks In my name Beautiful So is this a real Is this a real letter Because okay We've got a fake

Phone We've got this fake phone call I don't know what's happening Is this a real I can't read queues anymore Right Is this a real letter I did genuinely get a letter

It looked official But then there were enough Little things about it Like it had kind of How do I describe it Just like sort of Little bits of shit Down the bottom of the page like you know when a printer can't like just kind of default stuff like a little run of numbers down the bottom that kind of made me think is this legit or not so i call the bank they go we can't do this over the phone

you've got to go go to the cops file a report mr and mrs chandler right um and you're telling that story i'm like yeah what a couple of fucking idiots anyway i'm 34 and i did the exact same thing um so yeah they're like go to the cops get a report and then go to the bank with that report and like you know tell them that someone's taking your id and taking this money so i go to the cops that this cop like looks at it the letter and goes i think this i can't tell if this is real or not go to the bank first and get them to verify that it actually is in your name because this might be a scam and i'm like yeah but what's the scam like if it's a fake letter just saying

someone's taken money out in your name also what a shit scam where it's like you've got the phone you've got the internet you're sending letters letters out? Right. Yeah, exactly. But that's why they do it. It's because they're looking for elderly people. Right. Right. And they've somehow fucked up. Yeah.

But they're looking for people who are, like, too old to understand that this is... They can't get scammed because they're not online. Yeah. So they've gone old school. Yeah. Chucked it in between the copper market Catalogue and gas bill What are we going to get tricked by When we're old

Do you know what I mean Because technology has moved so quickly Old people aren't dumb They just don't Some of them are I reckon we're going to walk into the post office To pay a bill And it's just going to vanish

Once you hand your money over Oh that was a hologram We get tricked already It's the big corporations to the post office to pay a bill and it's just going to vanish once you hand your money over and it's like oh that was a hologram yeah yeah we get tricked already it's the big corporations yes there we go big heroin

he's just had an edible by the way he's tweeting this out hold court for half an hour I'll finish the story next week but we're constantly getting tricked and scammed out of things

it's like what have you been scammed out of well like when we went to a bar we went to a bar the other night, right? And remember that, like, there's just a third party. I know there was a scam the other night, but let's see if it's the same one you're thinking of.

Yeah, there's like, you go to the bar, and then they have this thing where you scan to order your drinks. But it's just a third-party app that's just somehow just figured out, hey, you know how people already go here and pay for things? What if we could just Get a cut of that Yeah What if we could just Invent an app

That just gives us A cut of What's already happening Yeah And people will Praise us for it And that's exactly What they've done

And now they've got All the information on you They know that you like Three packets of Doritos At midnight Yeah exactly And so now I've gone there I've paid them a premium

So I could get the beer That I was already Going to get from the bar. They've taken a cut of the bar's money. The bar now has less money. I have to pay more money. And they've got all my personal details. And we've suddenly gone, oh, what a convenience. This has really worked out well.

Good work, guys. It's crazy. Anyway, there's just scams aplenty. My friend's little brother was working at this cafe that had to close during COVID and they pivoted to like making hand sanitizer and stuff. And so he used to go deliver coffee beans and stuff. And then his job turned into taking this hand sanitizer that this company had started making to kind of keep themselves afloat during lockdown. And my friend's little brother quit in protest.

He's like, it's bullshit. They're cashing in on the pandemic and I am not going to fucking be a part of it. And it's like, they're helping people clean their hands and keeping their staff in work. You fucking idiot. Like, this is a fucking scam. It's an outrage.

And also, fuck yeah, cash in on a pandemic. Totally, yeah. Of course you would. What do you think chemist warehouses do? That's just what Like that's what And if you've got a problem With capitalism

Hey I'm all for it But like That's But that's just the whole system That we Like that's just how retail works Yeah But the term cash in

You know that that means Just earning money Like we're all supposed to do To survive What are you supposed to do Just sit at home Don't cash in Sit at home like the rest of us and starve.

That's great. Finance giving you your pay slip at your job. Well, well, well. Look at you cashing in on having been here five days a week from nine till five. Yeah, Reece Newkerson cashing in at Kmart at the age of 14, earning $8 an hour.

Like an old man running a fruit shop. Like, look at this cunt, cashing in on people needing fruit. He saw a hole in the market. Yeah. What was your scam you were going to bring up? Oh, no, just a very minor scam of us being at a Christmas party. It's called the little dum-dum club. Oh, yeah.

And not getting any drinks at a Christmas party. No bar tab. No bar tab at a Christmas party. What? No bar tab. The ultimate scam. What? I just assumed there would be one.

With an ABC TV show? Who knows what show it is. It'll be very easy to deduce what it was. That's crazy. Yeah. So, no, no, no. Well, they're not getting my three cents next year. Well, I didn't get it this year.

Well, we didn't get it anyway. I actually, I like seeing you guys get fucked over, so I'm going to give them my 25K next year. That's where it's going. Mysterious benefactor. Yeah, no, not cool at all. Can you imagine the ABC if $25,000 just got anonymously delivered to them? The fucking parties, they would be so excited.

I want a plaque on every TV show from now on. We can make 10 more comedy series now. Oh, no, actually, we'll just... Get Chris Lilley on the plower. No, we can give 10 more comedy series now. Oh no, actually we'll just get Chris Lilley on the plower. We can give 10 more comedians a little bit of money and pretend they're going to get a comedy series.

And get their hopes up. And then I'll buy some of that edible cocaine I love so much. That would be great if somehow that money would be ABC. 25 grand in your name.

All of a sudden a web series goes up with a big thanks to Tommy Dassel. You're not in it. I'm not in it. All of a sudden a web series goes up with a big thanks to Tommy Dasselhoff. You're not in it. I'm not in it. You don't get a gig. I'm still not getting any more opportunities.

I'm trying to pay my way in. And in fact, you're just getting pilloried on social media because the show sucks. It's bad. They say your name at the end of it. It's like, fuck Tommy Dasselhoff.

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, so I go into the bank and I had to talk to them and they confirm, yeah, someone's gotten your ID. Someone had taken out a loan in my name.

And this is for real now. Someone has taken out a loan. This is for real. So I go in. I'm like, this letter looks a bit dodgy. Because I'm sort of saying to the lady, like, yeah, I don't know. It just kind of looks a bit weird and a bit fucked. Like there's all this shit down the side and the ANZ logo up the top is really low res.

It's just like, I don't know what the scam would be, but it's like someone's done a really bad job of pretending to be the ANZ bank. And she's like, no, that's from us. That's just how our letters look. We sent them out. So, yeah. So, you know, this happens and it's like... So, someone has stolen your identity.

Does that mean that someone is out there walking around getting money from your mum? I mean, this is the thing. You hear that your identity has been stolen and, I don't know, it's been a weird year for everyone. The self-worth is at an all-time low, so it's hard not to have a part of you just go, fucking keep it. Knock yourself out, boys.

You could change your name again. That sort of feels nice, doesn't it? That someone's bothered to steal your identity. I mean, it is kind of nice to know that I... Your identity's not that shit after all. It's not the dog shit identity. I mean, no one's going to steal your personality, but your identity.

Right, dick size, personality, all those things. Keep all of that. Hygiene, all those things left behind. But your identity is useful. I mean, it's interesting. They took the number off my driver's license. They left the photo untouched. No, thank you.

Also, they didn't take your fake name. They took your real name. They took my real name. They looked at Dasla and went, not for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, honestly, it is nice to know that if I wanted to, I could get approved for a loan. That was the most surprising thing to me.

It was like, you're fucking barking up the wrong tree here, boys. But however they've done it. Wow. Yeah. So, right. So it's a real deal. You're in there. What happens next once you're in the bank?

You just go, do they ask for it back somehow? Do they entrust you with some sort of badge and you're out there to avenge the thief? Yeah, this is the weird thing because you kind of, as I was going in, I was kind of really worried because I was thinking like, surely people have tried this on where you apply for a loan,

you get the loan, you transfer the money somewhere else and then you go in and go, oh, I was actually hacked. I didn't take that money. So surely someone has tried that on, right?

Yeah. So I was kind of really... It was a very least of thoughts. Guys, let's do that. Yeah, do that yeah yeah yeah because i was like how do they know i was like really worried that i would get stuck in a thing where i'm like what if they don't believe me but they straight away they're like yep okay this yep this has been done fraudulently we'll clear it so this is out of your name and then you know so this this happens and it's like pretty interesting so you kind of want you want details you're like how so this this happens and it's like pretty interesting so you kind of want you want details you're like how's this happened yeah and they kind of won't give out

too much but they're like oh it got done online yeah because it's a bit like if you find out something there's another person called tommy tommy daslow yeah you'd be like what's it like right has it been for you living your life with that name yeah yeah so if there's sort of a fake tommy daslow out there you want to know as much as you can about it. But I kind of want to know how they... Because he looked kind of like you. Yeah. Kind of.

I mean, look, I think it's a bit rich to assume that it's definitely him. Could be a woman. Yeah, that's true. A woman ripping off my identity. Tommy spelt with an I at the end. Yeah. Tommy.

But yeah, it's... It's just you with long hair. Yeah, yeah. The me. But yeah, it's like they took the... It's you with long hair. Yeah, yeah. The only difference. Hello. I need $25,000 for my pussy, please. Oh, my God.

And then me going in with a husband with a target shirt. My wife is a dumb cunt. Sorry. Sorry about the misses. Yeah, so this person did this all online, which like if you've ever opened up any like account or anything like that, you need so many points of ID. Like I had to go in.

I had to go into a branch to get this taken out of my name. This person was just able to do this online. You had to work really hard just to prove that this wasn't you. Yeah. Meanwhile, this person's just skated in. So I'm sort of, i'm kind of asking the lady like so how to you know how did this happen like uh you know how have they gotten my life are you able to tell me like anything more and she's like well you know it could happen any number of ways

like for example sometimes uh people send out emails that uh have links in them that you that you open and uh you know that's that's a way that they can skim your information. Or there are phone calls where people... And I'm like being talked to like I'm a senior citizen. Mrs Chandler's walked into the Mirabar Police Station. She's copped the same thing. You just had a lobotomy. And I go, oh yeah, I'm across all that.

I'm pretty good with all that stuff. And I kind of hear her holding back from, hon, you're clearly not. Like you've lost $25,000. You're clearly not across this stuff. Like you're a fucking absolute dumb cunt. Well, there was that month where you were just cold mailing your license to people.

Yes. Do you think that was it? Yeah, I thought the... You just write a random address and just send it off? Yeah, I thought the photo looked good and my license number had 69 in it. I was like, this is pretty funny. And that weird time when you were doing five minutes about what your ATM number was.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when your flyer that year was a bank statement. Yes. Yeah. But like, I mean, even money, it's a dum-dum fan, surely. Honestly, that entered my mind. Honestly entered my mind.

The amount of personal information you guys put out here. I was like, I bet this is related to the podcast somehow. Someone is such a fan of yours, they want to become you. You know what? I want to wear you. I'm just checking to see if anyone's picked up on the $25,000 Patreon tier this week. Well, at least it's coming back to me. I'll just pay it back to the ANZ.

You've got to split it with me, though. Fuck! I've got to raise another $12.5 to coming back to me. I'll just pay it back to the ANZ. You've got to split it with me, though. Fuck! I've got to raise another 12.5 to pay back the bank. This could be me at this stage, by the way. I'm making a lot of money off this scam, if that's what happens. I'm the number one suspect. It's all crossed my mind. We had someone once steal a new card out of our letterbox,

which must have... Imagine how lucky you would feel if you're, like, your thing is going through a letterbox. But we watched on the statement them, where they'd been in our neighbourhood. Oh, yeah. Like, we watched them go to, the first thing they were, like, straight to McDonald's.

Yeah, yeah. But the way that they did it. That's great because it's, like, finally, we can afford to go to McDonald's. We get that soft serve I've been, that I had on lay-by. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, they spent like

It was close to 20 grand At McDonald's No The dream What did they buy the slide They bought all the birthday cakes you could want They bought the rights to Grimace Yeah

They just went in Give me the rights to Grimace Just During drive through as well I did a drive through Yeah yeah yeah It was 20k. Sign the documents over to me.

The way that they got all the money though, I didn't know you could do this, was that it was a credit card. They went to like a TAB and they bought like bets, like shit loads of them and then cashed out. Yes.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the credit turned into cash. A little bit of what I've heard about the casino when people laundered money by just going in there, putting a lot of money on something,

just taking it straight back out again. Yeah, yeah. Like feeding it into the poker machines or whatever, then getting the slip and then going back and going, I won this much money. They didn't do anything.

That is the way they do it. Yeah. That I've heard and absolutely not done myself but but also a weird thing to do when you got when you got a credit card and people can track the credit card number you go into a place with security cameras yeah so they know exactly what time you were there right like they're obviously gonna see you sure yeah like it's oh it was me that did it yeah yeah yeah but i put a beard on.

Because, yeah, all of this, I'd love to know. I just, if they find this person, I want to get in touch. Yes. I want to know, like, how'd you do it? Yeah. What was the grand plan? Like, what were you planning to do with the money? I love that.

I do love, like, my favorite, like, Netflix documentaries are always the crimey ones. Because, like, people are like, well, we'll never know why he did it. It's like, I fucking know why he did it. like i fucking know why he did it it was fun to do yeah yeah like if you have no concept of the ramifications of other people's lives of course i'd steal from people yeah and it's also it's a bit like why do people enter in tats lotto and lotteries and stuff like that like all right someone's just fishing through letterboxes or whatever it is and if it comes off you get 25 grand the the odds of getting 25 grand are way higher right dealing yeah and they are buying a fucking nine dollar scratchy or whatever it is and think of

the sub surf yeah and at the end of the day too because the thing is that they're not stealing 25 grand from you because you've gone into anz or you've gone to your credit card company yeah they're stealing it from the banks yeah And the credit card companies who are thieves themselves who have destroyed this. Yeah. There's a reason I picked this episode to bring this topic up. I need light up.

Well, that's the thing. We got the money back within like a couple, like it was so quick. Yeah. Like the system, they're like, oh yeah, we've clearly seen what's happening.

Here's that money back. And it wasn't like, there was not a large amount of paperwork. Yeah. Yeah. I thought they were meant to be one of the best with remember they had those ads with that falcon on it about like anti-fraud and protection and all that stuff yeah bird and everything yeah they're just letting some fucking idiot get on a form and just put a license where was the falcon where was the falcon asleep at the wheel with a new falcon i bought you a new falcon this one's better. I want to talk to the Falcon now. Where is he?

This was just very old, like a very old parrot. Just confused. Oh, they're like, oh, Falcon. Oh, that's right. Sorry, we got confused. We have a finch now. Yes. And it's dead.

I thought you were more of a ComBank guy, but never mind. I love the idea. Yeah. Well, this is it. I'm not with the ANZ Bank. I am with the ComBank. Fake Tommy Daslow is with ANZ. Fake Tommy Daslow is with ANZ Fake Tommy Daslow

Is with ANZ Yeah right Surely that was the first When you go to When you get When you get mail From a bank You're no part of

Yeah It's crazy that they Let this person Get the money But you're exactly right Like I just I keep thinking about This person who

However they've got The license number And then I think like The birth date as well they had addressed, things are like pretty easy to find. Well, you keep having, do you have gigs on your birthday? Like have you do podcast things on your birthday? So then people just know your birthday.

Birthday is easy to find out. I mean, if you're able to, I don't know how it's happened. They've like, something I've entered in has been hacked or whatever. Because once you've got the license number, if you're in the system and able to get that, well then, of course, you're going to be able to get the address and the... Yeah, right.

Because the address is on the license. And so is the birthday. You know how I suspect police, when they pull you over and they check your license, it's like, that's what they're doing. It's an inside job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.

Or if that was it, what if they came to it, so every time you get pulled over, they're just looking at your license going, got him, great, yeah. Right, right. All of that was it. What if they came to it? So every time you get pulled over, they're just looking at your licence going, got him, great, 25 grand from him, 25 grand from him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now we're going to lock him up. We're going to give him a breath, no, no, no, you're drunk.

I haven't had, I've been dry for 20 years. Nah, nah, you're locked away now, so you can't check your bank statements. And Greg, what are your thoughts on the police? Well, look, it's not like the Victoria Police have ever done anything dodgy, you know. It's not like the low dogs ACAB. I will say, and I felt bad about this,

so then the lady at the bank goes, we now need you to go back to the police and lodge a report about this because the money is gone. We'll clear it from your name, but we now have to investigate with the police to see if we can recover the money. Now, this is a dream for you because you've walked in and gone,

that's not me. And they're like, cool. Yeah. Like you haven't had to prove anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're wearing a fur coat at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Price tag still hanging on there.

Got a big, big, big diamond necklace on. Calling everyone jive turkeys. And going off. Oh my, it's hot in here. I'll just fan myself with these bills. You have $25,000 bills. And you've all done this after jumping out of a Fabergé egg and going, surprise, I got scammed. A Fabergé egg?

Is it Fabergé or Fabergé? Fabergé. Fabergé. I think it's Fabergé. Fabergé is like the fake diamond of the Faberge egg yeah yeah the Thailand

Faberge egg is it really I've been Faberge I've been I'm alright I'm looking this way the fact that you're this is stressing you out

how often are you saying Faberge egg it's a bit of a go to it's a good comedy reference for sure Faberge egg thank you I've been funny

this whole time Faberge yes it is Faberge oh I thought it was like Faberge Faberge no Faberge F-A-B-E-R Fabergé Egg Thank you I've been funny this whole time Fabergé Yes It is Fabergé Oh I thought it was like Fabric Fabergé No Fabergé

F-A-B-E-R-G-E Maybe it's just Aussie accents Where we just pronounce things wrong Is this the Mandela Effect? It's Yeah Yes Fabergé

Yes No it's Fabergé Fabergé Right now The Fabergé Effect The Fabergé Phenomenon I swear that used to be called The Mandela Effect

Anyway Fabergé Egg is a jewel Created by the House of Fabergé effect. The Fabergé phenomenon. I swear that used to be called the Mandela effect. Fabergé is a jewel there created by the House of Fabergé. Slam dunk. In St. Petersburg, Russian Empire, possibly as many as 69 were created. 69. They get it. They get it. Interesting.

Eggs for two. What? Surely if you're a funny scammer, you're putting in for a $69,000 personal loan. Getting that letter in the mail, I'm like, I'm not even mad. They've taken out $69,420 in my name. That would be an important way of getting undetected because you see that letter, $69,000, you go, this is a joke, and you put it in the bin. You don't even report it.

Totally. You've picked that up and gone, $25,000, this isn't funny. Hmm, I better investigate. So then, yeah, the bank lady is like, I need you to, we now need you to go back to the cops, put a report in, give the cops this number to call us on

and give them this reference number. I'm like, what? 1369-69, wait a minute. Like, why am I involved all of a sudden? Why am I the middleman having to reach out to the cops? Like, I'm just a junior detective all of a sudden. You're a whistleblower now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So I go back into the cops and look, yeah, I know this isn't a popular sentiment in 2020, but I tell you what. You sucked up a cop. I really had to feel for the cops in there on this particular day, like work and reception.

By the time I go back, there's a lady in there who's just been interviewed about something and i think maybe locked up briefly so she's on her way out and she's just screaming at this guy at reception going i want a copy of the allegations against me because i'm going to take them to a lawyer and this is bullshit i don't have 25 grand let me tammy daslow out of here i'm innocent. And the cops just very calmly having to go, there's no report yet. What's happened is this person has said this. You've given your side of events and now we investigate.

So you don't have to worry. You're not being charged with anything yet. No, I want the fucking allegations. I want them written down. This goes on for 15 minutes that I see. And it was in progress when I turned up. So it's that intense. Just this guy being screamed at and having to like be very calm and collected.

And then the very next thing that happens is me turning up and going, I was looking at pornos on my little computer and then someone took money. It's just like what a fucking shit job having a man like this, like from one end of the spectrum to the other. I did that once. You know what? A long, long, long time ago I went out in Melbourne in King Street, in the notorious King Street. Now when I was – The Brisbane of Melbourne a long, long, long time ago, I went out in Melbourne in King Street, in the notorious King Street.

Now, when I was... The Brisbane of Melbourne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. This is honestly like nearly 25 years ago, so it was like the Wild West. And we went out and I walked down the street and it was the first time I'd ever been out properly in Melbourne.

Right. And I walked out... Two weeks ago. Someone in front of me went, there was people just yelling at us and one of my friends yelled back and went, ah, go fuck yourself. And it was like the rest of us were like,

oh no, don't do that. This guy then turns around and like I'm barely part of the party. I may have even talked about this before, but I'm staggered back from the party. I'm next to a friend of mine and I see it start to kick off, and I turn to my friend and go, oh, wouldn't like to be up there.

I turn to him. My friend's absolutely gone. I turn back. This guy's just looking at me going, you cunt shouldn't have said that, and just absolutely goes clock, punches me in the face, breaks my nose. That's what happened. Yeah. We're all like, Who's taking this one

It all makes sense now They're all origin stories On this episode We just need to get to Tommy's So he clucks in the nose I'm inexplicably wearing A cricket jumper In the middle of the night

So it's like The worst possible jumper To be wearing It's all white This white woolen thing So the blood's just Piercing down all over me I walk down the street

There are people Just yelling at me Get your down all over me I walk down the street there are people just yelling at me get your AIDS away from me I'm like having to say I don't actually have AIDS

it was a tough oh god you're looking confused yeah look I've got a sore nose and now I'm being accused of having AIDS

right okay it's a rough nose got a sore nose is a mild way to put having your nose broken

when someone bashes you I've got a sore nose I've got the sniffles of a sore nose is a mild way to put having your nose broken when someone bashes you. I've got a sore nose. I've got the sniffles. You've got a sore nose. You've got a hurdy. Yeah, so then I'm, but it's like, weirdly, I don't get knocked down by this guy. And it's like. No big deal.

No big deal. I mean, he was massive. He was massive. Weirdly, I didn't go down. And then he said, that's the biggest punch I'd ever thrown. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's weird. Everyone applauded.

And it was The Rock. Yeah. Yeah, it was in a movie after that. No, I mean Uluru. Carl got beaten up by Uluru. Uluru tried to walk on top of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop trying to call me Ayers Rock.

That's not the correct name you fuckwit. Boom. So then I walked across the road. All of my friends have scattered. They've gone and whatever. And so I'm like, oh, great. I'm in the middle of fucking King Street. I've never been here before.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. My nose is sore. Yeah, I've got a sore nose. I might have AIDS. I might have AIDS, yeah. I didn't know you could get AIDS from being punched. But again, this is 25 years ago. I didn't know the could get AIDS from being punched, but again, this is 25 years ago. I didn't know the full rules.

That's what you get punched with. The boner from the strip club I just went to is now starting to fade as well. Man, honestly, I'd been out of the car. I'd walked for 20 metres. I'd been out of a cab for 20 metres and then bang. So then... City will eat you up.

Yeah, I'm living in Ballarat at this stage, so I. Yeah. I'm living in Ballarat at this stage so I'm like, oh, I'm from the country. Oh no, it's exactly the way I dreamt the big city

was. I liked how you go, I was inexplicably wearing a cricket jumper. Like if anyone can explain it, it's you. You make it sound like you just woke up wearing it.

I never bought this. Where did this come from? You know, you explain your fashion sense from 25 years ago. You know, it's like that. I was a little baby, so that's what my mum put on me.

A little sailor outfit. This would be the answer. Curly hair. That's the most logical answer for me as well at this point. Why the fuck I was wearing a cricket jumper in the middle of the night in King Street. Didn't play cricket. So I then get into a cab just going, oh, fuck.

Can you take me to my friend's house? And they're like, where's your friend? I'm like, in Carlton somewhere. Just drive to Carlton and I'll just look around. And the guy's like, I'm going to take you to hospital. Yeah. And then I'm like, oh, and again, because I'm from the country, I'm like, oh, I guess you'd know.

The taxi driver would know best, I guess, at this point. So, then he drives me to a hospital, which is a much bigger fare than going to Carlton. Yeah. I'm like, oh, right, this is what's happening. And that taxi driver was Tommy Dazzle. Not this one. No, no, no.

Sorry, Tammy Dazzle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They made $15 from me, but they made $25,000 from Tommy. Yeah, incremental. Yeah, yeah. Filled up to it. $15 back then was a lot. Yeah.

So then I go to the hospital in the middle of the night, and it's just like the same, why I'm arcing back to this is, the same sort of experience, the police station, where I'm in there, and I've waited there for an hour, and there's full on people in traction,

people that have had car accidents, all these people in like, you know that when you have the architecture around your neck, whatever that is, you know that thing? Some the architecture around your neck, whatever that is, you know, that's a bones, I think. No,

the around the neck, not around the neck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The, like a neck brace. No,

but like the, the architecture, the scaffolding. Yeah. Yeah. The, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, literally next to someone like that. And I've been there for an hour. And then they go and ask me before they ask. Sounds like the waiting room in Beetlejuice. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm there and then someone just walks by and goes,

and what's happened with you? And I'm literally like, I've got a sore nose. And they go, oh, okay. And just look at the guy with scaffolding neck. And I'm like, and I literally just get up and go, I'm going to go. Yeah. I'm going to go home now.

Yeah, yeah. I sleep it off. I broke my, When I was about 10 I broke my foot And I had just done the shave for a cure So I was a 10 year old boy in a hospital With a shaved head in a wheelchair Bit of stolen valour

I'm hating this Oh no it turns out I was riddled with it I've got foot cancer Yeah I saw a foot But the looks I remember even a 10 yearyear-old being like, I'm getting a lot of looks.

Yeah. And I know why. Yeah. Just hang out near the vending machine like, no. Great scam. This is your scam of the day to get free jelly. Yeah. Free jelly.

This is like the scammer's handbook. Free jelly for days. That's right. I was in the hospital in 1966, I think it was. That jelly lifestyle Remember that lie The tonsillitis lie That if

Were you fed the same thing That if you get your tonsils out You just ate as much ice cream As you ever got Yeah I never got my tonsils out But yeah everyone said You just get jelly and ice cream

Which surely isn't right No That seems unhealthy It just seems like a way To trick kids into getting surgery Yeah You know If you get a nose job You can have as much jelly As you want That seems like a way to trick kids into getting surgery. Yeah. If you get a nose job, you can have as much jelly as you want. That's a good way to mine tonsils.

Yeah. That's a scam. The one now is like donating blood and you get the KFC voucher. But I don't think that happens at all of them. I don't think so. It's like you go in. I can't even give blood. This time next week, this bloke over here, Greg Larson,

is going to be a husk of a man. Nothing but a beast. All solid, no liquid. All bloods are gone and replaced with KFC. How much KFC do I get from it? It becomes calorie neutral because you've taken a bunch of blood out, eaten the KFC. You can eat as much as you like as long as you're taking blood out.

A week later, you go back to donate again. We can't take gravy. Just shave off some bone and give me the fucking nuggets. Are you taking cum? I'll give cum. I'll give anything. I'll spit in your fucking... How much many nuggets for the liver?

I'll give you a liver. Great. So, yeah, I go back to the cops. So it's all cleared up. I've filled out a report. And then the bank gives you a site that you can look up. You can get like a credit report. So you can find out when, if they've tried to take anything else out in my name.

There was, my credit had been accessed twice by a small loans company. Like basically, you know those like kind of dodgyish ones that you see the ones on the ads little mascots yeah have you found yourself with no money right yeah yeah so funnily enough they were more discerning than the anz bank that because i call them up i'm like how they had my identity sold and i see you guys have accessed me twice to look at a loan they're like oh no we had a look, and it was like that got flagged as a scam. Yeah, you can trust. I mean, we do our due process here at Fruitbat Loans.

Yeah, exactly. So the Fruitbat is more on it than the fucking Falcon. We were led to believe that the Falcon was going to protect us, and the Fruitbat is this kind of figure where he's luring you in, but he's at the end of the day, he's got your best interests at heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He dots the I's and crosses the T's,

unlike the Falcon, which is just, what interests at heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He dots the I's and crosses the T's. Unlike Falcon, which is... Yeah. Yeah. Just, what do you call it when you can't, ironically, can't read or write? What's that called again? Illiterate. Illiterate.

That's it. I couldn't remember the word illiterate. Or just Carl. No, I am not. Just Carl syndrome. That's got to be one of those things where there's a German word for it. It's like not knowing the word that, yeah, he's very obviously searching for. Yeah, that's you to be one of those things where there's a german word for it it's like not knowing the word that yeah he's very obvious yeah that's you that's you uh yeah so yeah that's basically it i'm i'm off the hook i have had to do they also they also give you a number to call

this place called uh i think they're called id care which is like one of the most humiliating emails i've ever received because they really do talk to you like you are an incapacitated 90-year-old. It's like, now make sure don't be clicking. It's like, you know, the thing that you see of like people who've lost their license and they have to go that like humiliating driving school thing. Like, now don't have any more drinks when you go on the road. It's like literally this whole email of like, try not to be a dumb cunt every time you answer the phone.

Try not to tell them your license number and your PIN code. I've always noticed that you're quite secure with your computer anyway because you've got you're one of the people that have the masking tape over the camera. Sure, they haven't got any footage of you jerking your dick, but they've got your

bank details. So that's fix one thing. No, but you peel it off to jerk off, don't you? Yeah, yeah. I don't you yeah yeah yeah i don't want anyone to see me on zoom calls yeah yeah but i want the idea i'm a bit of a voyeur you know yeah i like that i have the blinds up when i have sex and i just the idea that someone might be watching is a bit yeah i just actually i'm sitting in part of this house that i can see straight through to the other window and i made eye contact about 15 minutes ago with a lady just pulling her blinds down.

And I had to be like, hi, yeah. This is pretty disgusting to watch a podcast in process. Well, you know, I'd be nervous if I looked into sort of four white guys with microphones

around a table and be like, oh, uh-oh. And we did one in a park the other day. It was the worst. We could have people in the house, yeah.

That was very, very strange. So, yeah, I'm going to keep it on my credit and I wonder if this fake, very strange So yeah I'm going to keep an eye on my credit And I wonder if this fake This fake Thomas Alsop Is going to try it on With any other institutions

And look you know I heard he's doing fringe That's worse than the 25k Yeah that's about a 25k loss Yeah Right yeah Poor bastard So I don't know what the moral is guys

If you're looking to If you're looking to commit identity fraud, I guess the lesson is that try it on with the ANZ Bank. Yeah. Or try it on with you. You're wide open. Yeah. Well, at least that makes it harder to scam you out of $25,000 because now your credit's going to be in the toilet.

That's the funny thing. The cops did tell me that frequently what the bank does is they will write that money off as a loss and they were like, it's good to get this stat deck and this report filed because they'll get rid of the money under your name on their end, but they never take it off your credit report. So this happens to people all the time where they've been scammed

and then five years down the line, they actually do want to get a loan and they can't because it's like, no, you got 25K. You should have had Koshi on this ep. Yeah, really. Really cleaned this up. So from now on...

Also just because he's a great guy. Yeah. He'd be fucking funny on this. He's funny, man. What you got to do? If we can change our Patreon tier to just cash, if you can just send it in, in the mail from now on,

we can't deal with the banks anymore. Yeah. And the top tier is like like you get both of our license numbers yeah to do whatever you want with i want to know i don't know if this has ever happened to one of you guys but um you know in comedy sometimes there's you've lost me right um you like like any other job you know you of course we all uh it It all goes through the banks It's invoice gigs Because we're freelancers Or whatever

Some people Some people want to Do cash Right Sometimes this happens In comedy right Sometimes large venues Yes

Yeah Very big venues Who knows So Family trusts Underlying message Through this podcast I feel So Family trust. Underlying message through this podcast up here. Family you can trust.

We just all do sound like the most insanely paranoid tinfoil hat. I did a gig once where it was booked by someone. I had to go out and do this terrible gig. I bombed very dramatically. But then I assumed that they got through to the person who booked it. But then they were like, okay, time to pay you. Don't worry. I'm not going to, you know, we won't have to get invoices in.

I'll pay you cash. I'm like, okay, because this is a person that I don't really have anything to do with i'm just gonna go put some coins through a pokey machine yeah yeah yeah that sort of thing so i was like well i don't see this person so how am i ever like this was all booked on the phone to start with so this person lives ages away how am i gonna get this money and he's like i'll just do my usual trick i'm like okay what's the usual trick and then what he did was to pay me he put the cash in an envelope in a birthday card to like hide it and like in some sort of weird thing where he thinks the cia is like tracking him or something they're gonna open up the mail and it's like happy birthday happy third birthday there's five hundred dollars in there but he mailed you

cash yes in a birthday card. Why didn't he just give you cash on the night? He wasn't there. But why didn't he just mail the cash? I don't know. Like, that was his... The idea of you getting audited 10 years after this gig and then being like, we're going to need to see the birthday card.

We're going to need to see evidence that it was your birthday on that day. Just the idea that he's like, this is the thing that will get over. You know what they do at the post office? They're checking for fraud. They're checking for people trying to get around taxes. They sort of put that envelope up to the light. No, no, I can see the Hallmark logo on the back, so that's clean.

That's for some little kitty. Let that go. I've had that happen before where I did a similar thing. I did a gig and was getting paid for it by the person who ran it. And they were doing it by bank transfer. But in the description, they were like, I'll put, you know, happy birthday from Nan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, what's the Nan shit in there? And it's like, and also like with your one. It's just the account number. Exactly. It's like your one as well. It's like explaining that to a bank that's like yeah this is I guess

the relationship that I have with this older guy that I sort of do comedy with where he just gives me money on my birthday yeah I fuck him

yeah and then he fends me money it's like a happy birthday for a kid it's like has this got my daddy now is this what's

happening here it makes it more suspicious if anything Yes It's 500 bucks in a happy third birthday fucking card That's weird Third birthday But what's funny about it Is like there's nothing illegal about sending someone cash

Only if like It's like I think it's like $10,000 or something If you're sending $10,000 You have to declare Why you're sending $10,000 So like I like the idea of him Getting $10,000 or something. If you're sending $10,000, you have to declare why you're sending $10,000. So I like the idea of him getting $10,000

and folding a birthday card around it. All these birthday cards to the other one. And why does he have... Thinking that he probably bulk bought... So he's just got piles of birthday cards at home. I think he's done this to humiliate you for doing a bad job at his gig.

You know those cards where you open them up and they play like a song? Yeah, yeah. He's done that but he's rigged it up and he's bombing like people booing.

It's your set just playing back to you. Also, I think I was like going have I gotten money taken out of my fee for this card? Because you know

birthday cards are 10 bucks now. Yep, yep, yep. They're a fucking waste of money. I can just see like this guy like has stumbled on this great thing to get around

the cops like the cops are going to be opening this big package finding a brick of heroin but then a birthday

card taped to the top and just going no that's alright that's a beer that's nothing that's a birthday card edible heroin

maybe third birthday have a lot of horse alright we'd better wrap it up for another week on the little dum dum club Greg and Rhys thank you very much

for joining us we didn't even talk about Rhys' Netflix special Rhys has got a Netflix special out on December the 20th so not that long after you're hearing this Merry Christmas everyone

Merry Christmas speaking of scans because the person that we sold it to or like, Netflix is such a weird company,

but they were based in Singapore and so I genuinely thought until the real tweet came out of the real Netflix that there's a tiny

chance this wasn't real. Like, I didn't tell anyone about it. What's this? I sold it to Nutflix. Yeah, it's really like

Nutalex, the butter company? Oh, no. Ace is now on Nutalex. Yeah, It's really like, Nuttelex, the butter company? Oh, no. Ace is now on Nuttelex. Yeah, yeah. Oh,

well. We're spreading Reese's face on sandwiches worldwide. Well, that's exposure, I guess. Yeah, because I've been, and I've also been listening to this podcast about,

called the Hollywood Con Queen, about this woman who, like, anyway, but they say about someone who tricked people into going to Jakarta by pretending to be a Hollywood executive. Anyway, that's great.

But I was just working myself up into a tizzy of like, this is fake. It's not fake. There's no, don't tell anyone. And then it wasn't until

the tweets came out. So yeah, it's coming out around Christmas, Peter Jackson style. Yeah. It was directed by Peter Jackson. Oh, right. Okay. And Andy Serkis playing you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No was directed by Peter Jackson. Oh, right. Okay.

And Andy Serkis playing you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he plays the microphone. Oh, sick. But it's recently been live at the Athenaeum. Yeah. Lovely bit of free advertising for the Athenaeum Theatre in Melbourne. Yeah.

Very kind of you to do that. Oh, yeah. Sure. I couldn't think of a name. Right. Which is where our much delayed 500th live episode is going to be. So, I mean, that could trickle down to us in some way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is where our much delayed 500th live episode is going to be. So, I mean, that could trickle down to us.

Yeah. Yeah. They have the name. They see that name and go, fuck, that sounds great. That was a great special. I'm going to turn up in fucking November next year or whenever it's been delayed to and see whatever's there. Yeah, I'm going to CGI our heads onto you so we can pretend it's like us watching the gig when it was meant to happen. I didn't know as well that they do Hillsong there sometimes, I think, and we

use some of their gear. Like material, you mean? Yeah, yeah. We're all going to hell and steal money from poor people. Well, we'll be filming our special there at the Athename as well, but not for Netflix, for Silk Road. Oh, that's nice.

You guys have got a Pornhub special. It will be pretty fucked. Yeah. Greg, you've got The Grub with Ben Russell and Adam.

So funny. Sketch podcast. Yeah, it's got The Grub. We're still on Patreon. Still? We're still on Patreon making weekly episodes

and monthly episodes for free. Another, just like Tommy Daslow saying another scam that's happening. Yeah another scam. Sign up we are

we are really making lots of comedy. Get onto it. I don't know what to tell you. It is it's such a funny podcast.

It's pretty good. It's pretty great. And unfortunately I feel quite sheepish but I do have a Nutflick special coming up. Cost me $50,000. pretty good it's pretty great and unfortunately I feel quite sheepish but I do have a nut flick special coming up it cost me $50,000

it's only two scans though that's fine alright guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see ya mates and they've done it again.

Oh, my goodness. And that's the real Thomas Allsop saying that. Not this imposter. Not this phony. How do I know? I guess you have no way of knowing other than I'd like to think that, you know, you would know just from looking at me. I'm in front of you.

I'm not doing this over the phone or the internet. You are looking at me in my house. Can I do a few questions like they do online, like just to check? Yeah, yeah. Show me a few things and ask me which ones contain a motorbike. Yeah, exactly. Where are the trucks in this house? Touch the trucks in this house. Yep. Still dealing with that as of today. Right. Had the bank call me and ask me to relay a message to the cops for them.

Over the phone did they ask you where the traffic lights were? Yep, yep, yep. And then immediately after that I had the cops call me and ask me to relay a message to the bank. So I feel like I'm the mutual friend in like a high school breakup. Yeah. Where they're not talking to each other and they're like, can you tell her that I really miss her? I love a bit of criminal Chinese whispers. Yeah.

Fucking hell, that's great. Yeah. It's very, very time consuming having your identity stolen. What's your mother's maiden name? This is my test. I'm not telling you that. That's what the imposter would say because he wouldn't know. Yeah, but then now...

Actually, the imposter would know because he stole all your stuff. He fucking... He would already know that. He probably knows more than you. Yeah, he probably knows things about me that I've forgotten. Yeah, that would be great if that's one of the points of ID to get a loan at the bank is just they ask you what your mother's maiden name is. Well, that's worth 50 points right there.

Here's the money. Yeah. Well, I mean, what are the big ones? Mother's maiden name, childhood pet, street you grew up on maybe? Well, they're the questions that typically come up when you're securing like an email address. Yeah. Like a recovery email. Yes.

But I don't know if they ever really factor in, you know, in big things like getting a passport or getting a loan or anything like that. Yeah. But what do they do? They've got to have some sort of questions. They've got to have some sort of... Don't you need like, yeah, 100 points of ID. Typically, you can make up with a passport, a driver's license a medicare card and then like a bill or some mail in your name i think typically that's like bang on 100 yeah but you should be able to like yeah bring

in if you bring in your mom and she goes yes this is definitely my child yeah that's 100 points right there but she's gonna prove she's your mom though yeah good point If I was the fake Tommy Allsop I'd get a fake mum Right They make her breastfeed you in the store Just to prove Yeah they would They cut her open and count the rings That's how old trees are

That's confusing Alright so I guess I'll assume that this is you I'll assume that this is you for this episode of Talking Dumb Dumb. Well, I'll tell you something that only I would know. Only the real Tommy Dasolo would know. Right, what? They've done it again.

Wow, okay, all right. Yeah, you're right. You're right. I did meet an imposter once. There was an imposter of you on the episode once that we didn't release. And I did the whole episode. We got to talking to him and then we got a couple of minutes in and he went, that was a good episode.

Right, right. Get the fuck. I pulled my gun out. Boom. Side of the head. That's the dum-dum equivalent of the Turing test. How you deduce whether or not it's human. Yes.

If the AI can work out whether or not it's done it again, then it's as close to human as you can possibly get. Yeah. So I shot it in the head and it turned to molten silver and slithered out the doorway. Yeah, right. You know what? Embarrassingly enough, that was me.

Oh! Yeah. Really? Pretty cool trick, hey? Yeah, that's good. That's good. Exciting. Well, hopefully, man, I was thinking about that the other day after we recorded that bit.

I hope you somehow get to just keep asking questions. Try and find something out. When I was speaking to them today, I can't remember whether it was the police or the – I think it was when I was talking to the bank. The guy was like – wrapped up what I had to do with him and then he was like, do you have any more questions? I'm like, yeah, heaps. How does this happen? And he's like, do you have any more questions? I'm like, yeah, heaps. How does this happen?

And he's like, yeah, yeah, fair enough. Like, look, we'll let you know. Like, whatever we can find out about who this person was and how this all happened, like, we'll let you know. Like, we'll be able to give you some more info down the track. Yeah. So, fingers crossed. Keep on, keep on them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think that's up to you. I don't think the cop's like, look there is a there is a serial rapist out in the northern suburbs but got a hot bit of gossip i better go and tell tommy daslow first oh of course yeah it's on me i've got to like make sure this doesn't fuck up my credit rating like i've got a like all i'm having to do is follow up with these guys so it's kind of not it's not an option to slack off with these guys at this point. But do you remember,

do you remember, I was just thinking about this the other day, do you remember, and this is so many episodes ago, this would be in the, you know, say 50s or before

of this podcast. Not the decade. Yeah, back, remember when I was rocking around the clock? Yeah. There was an episode

where I talked about, remember, I think you were even with me in the restaurant in ligon street and i had my phone someone yeah i was there yeah yeah so the like i got up left the phone on my chair walked away came back like literally 30 seconds later it's gone yeah and i was like where the fuck's the phone and everyone's like i don't know and it was the waiter it was like a 15 year old yes yes and we i didn't know that until like a year later and the cops rang me up went we found your phone yeah it's like a 15 year old yes yes and we i didn't know that until like a year later and the cops rang me up went we found your phone yeah it's like oh cool just in time

yeah um yeah i mean i just i haven't made any calls for a year so this is going to be great yeah wait how did they call you dear mr chandler stop we've located your phone stop yeah yeah no they rang me and said we found your phone oh great Oh, great. Aha. It was an inside job. You answered the phone. You're on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You stole it. You're under arrest.

Yeah. And wasn't it, so yeah, it took them a while to work it out. And didn't they, didn't they turn up and like raid the kid's house like really early in the day or something like that? Now, because that, you're not supposed to do that as a cop. No. You're not supposed to relay like what happened. So, because I was like going, this fucking cunt.

What happened? What's the fucking story? And they're like, oh, you know, it's all, can't be telling you any of that sort of stuff. I'm like, nah, go on. And they're like, all right. And then they just go. Here we go. Yeah.

And they go, oh, it was this 15 year old. Because I go, it was the fucking waiter, wasn't it? It was the person in the restaurant, wasn't it? It's got to be. It couldn't have been anyone else. And I go, oh, yeah, it might have been. I'm like, yes. What the fuck happened and i was like being really mad and then they go look if it helps any when we raided when we when we went to um contact the person and uh they live with their parents

oh look we might have happened to have done it at 5 a.m yeah and really turned it yeah and the and the dad went fucking insane great and it was like some well-to-do family. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, where's your kid? He's been knocking stuff off at work. Damien! A year ago. I mean, fuck, the odds are that he could have moved out by then.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, sold my phone and got a flat. The defense of the kid just being like, Dad, it was a year ago. You know, I've matured a lot in those last 12 months. I'm stealing better stuff. I'm 16 now. It's a different – it is. just being like, Dad, it was a year ago. You know, I've matured a lot in those last 12 months. I'm stealing better stuff. I'm 16 now. It's a different – it is. You do change a lot in that year.

Like, that's a pretty fair defense. You're right. You have become good lately. You are a good boy. You know what? Have a 50 – hang on. Where's my wallet? Oh, yes.

Oh, no. This kid can't help himself. It's happened again. But, yeah. So, my point being – Yeah. Yeah, just – yeah, play that card. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on. I'm so fucking mad. Give me, how did you do it? Tell me about how you caught the guy or, you know, whatever. Well, yeah. I mean, the other thing is that also assumes that they will be able to catch the guy. Yeah. Like, they were saying that quite often what happens is, like, you know, someone's skimmed

it, someone's got a sophisticated information hacking operation you know they get the information they sell it to someone who sells it to someone like they did brace me for like it's often it's basically impossible for us to track down but i love the idea that it's just a guy you know i've just left my exactly i've just left my license on the on a table at a restaurant or something they've written it it down. That's what I want. And just like one guy who's gone and done this. That's what I want. I think it's more likely that I've been targeted by a sophisticated digital international operation. Right.

They've seen you on Just for Laughs or something and gone, great stuff. Yeah. I would like his money. Yeah. Look at how he dresses. Yeah. That must cost a fair bit. This guy's rolling in it.

Actually, no, it's not even that. They didn't rob me. They just used my... It's like, he looks trustworthy. I bet if we took a photo of him to the bank, they'd look at those cute little cheeks and they'd go, take all you want. Look at him on stage, on TV.

I'm watching an old rerun of Dirty Laundry. This guy must be fucking minted. It all probably kicked off from there. I'm sure the bank will happily hand money out knowing that it's going to a show business professional who presumably the opportunities just kept rolling in after this TV appearance. Saw a repeat on ABC 14 and just took that VHS to the bank and went, this is me. Yep. Okay.

That doesn't seem like you. You're African and seven foot. Yep. Okay. Yeah, but I took that check. I can't be asking stuff like that. Exactly. He's just like, I identify as Tommy Daslow.

Okay. Yep. I'd rather be down 25 grand. Don't cancel me. To be cancelled. But also what people really want to know is, has Bernie kicked a big one? Oh, he has. Right.

Yeah. He's kicked a big one, and then you, or someone who looks like you, then fucked off with it. Took the ball and then just ran off. Ran off. Wow, that was me. That was a big one. That was me. Oh, that was you?

Yeah. Are these all inside jobs? I wanted the game day ball. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted the memento. That's fair. Yeah.

Yeah, fun. Like we said at the mento. That's fair. Yeah, fun. Like we said at the top of the show, wow. Look, finally we're back on stage. We're slopping on the grease paint. We return to light entertainment. If you're listening to this hot off the podcast presses, if you've gone down and got this from Pod Limited at 5 a.m., before they've even put in the truck and and delivered it to the pod

agents yeah um you would know that we're on this weekend we put it as of time of recordings we record this today we're recording this a day before it comes out and um this isn't live today sometimes we do we just do it live through your through uh apple stuff like that but not today um we are doing it this weekend, this Saturday afternoon, and we put that on a couple of hours ago, and that sold out straight away. So thank you very much for people who are doing that. For those of you that aren't on social media and stuff like that,

hey, that's a good ad to get onto our stuff on socials because we put it out on that, and it sold out straight away. Yep. I'll get you in first. Before we talked about it on the pod, now we did that same thing with Perth. Now, Perth's selling very, very well as well, but Perth is a much bigger venue. So, we're there in Perth on long weekend, sort of, Australia long weekend, January 24th on the Sunday.

The Rosemount Hotel, new venue for you. We've heard nothing but good things. Good venue, good food, good beer garden. Yep. Genuinely excited about leaving the state and doing something. Mm-hmm. So heaps of PATH listeners are cracking onto that. If you're not from PATH, you might want to take a little long weekend.

Yeah. Go for a trip. Go for a little vacay. I know a certain friend of ours is certainly planning on going. That is a certain Serbian gun runner. Mm-hmm. Colleague of ours. certainly planning on going. That is a certain Serbian gun runner. Mm-hmm. Colleague of ours. It could be anyone.

I believe he's going to come over with us. So that should be, I should be absolutely fucked by the show. Great. Should be good. Good to be back. Yeah. Yeah. Should be very excited to do live stuff again.

Yeah. It's going to be good. Back in the saddle. Yeah. So get onto that. Working on a few little nice little ideas and surprises, hopefully. So that'll be good. LittleDumbDumbClub.com.

Yeah. Get your tickets. Like I said at the top of the show as well, Basement Comedy Club is the gig I run. And Spleen as well. People know Spleen because that's the place where I do my new material. And that's where everyone knows I'm going to come out with a list of fucking, you know, what's the deal with caterpillars or whatever the fuck I go on about.

So Monday's is Spleen. It's a rebirth of live comedy in sort of Australia but definitely Melbourne. Yep. Melbourne hasn't really been any live stand-up for fucking ages. So get out there and support the arts. Monday's is comedy at Spleen. Big names confirmed.

Pros guaranteed on a week in a basement comedy club in the city in Melbourne. Exhibition Street. Go to melbournecomedy.com.au to find out. Always confirm. Big name headliners. Friends of the show. Surprise guests. It's the fucking best. It's the best physical room

of comedy in Australia in my very, very very biased opinion opinion very humble and biased opinion it's very humble like i didn't build the building you know i didn't build it sure i just happened upon it yep stumbled fell down the stairs yeah first just like isaac newton when the apple fell on his head yep and discovered gravity that's me i fell down the stairs hit my head on the microphone down in this forgotten underground comedy club, wiped the cobwebs off it and went,

Eureka! Comedy! Well, I didn't do it. I just discovered it like the great Isaac Newton himself. Exactly. What a beautiful retelling of the history of comedy.

Where's Lomas with that one? So yeah, get onto that. Get back to live comedy, everyone. And, yeah, looking forward to, you know, at some stage, potentially doing other shows and stuff like that down the track. So, and of course, don't forget our low 500th episode in about a year's time. Yeah, August the 14th. Yeah.

I believe. Yep. That's on sale. There's not many tickets left for that. But, yeah, if you want to get. Yeah, 2021. Yep. That's on sale. There's not many tickets left for that. But yeah, if you want to get ahead of the curve, get onto that one. What else is there? Any other news? It's Christmas coming up.

Get onto Dumio. We're doing a bunch of Dumios. We're going to do some Dumios after this. Value for money. There's merch. A lot of people do their Christmas shopping via littledumbdumbclub.com. Yep. So get onto that.

Shirts and stubby holders. We will not be accepting any of this stuff back on Boxing Day, by the way. Yes. You can't come in and return a dummy that you didn't enjoy. Yes. All sales are final, we should point out. Yeah. We don't have a rating system, do we, for dummios?

That would be good because we're getting nothing but positive feedback. Well, that's the thing. If you want to go outside of the system, if you want to create your own platform, you lose out on the feedback. Do you get the feedback for the bad impressionists? Yeah. You got pretty good stuff? I think it's all five stars.

I can't imagine how anyone would have it in them to go, give me this dog shit impression and then get it and give me one star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really can't understand the twisted mind that would decide to do that. He called himself the bad impressionist and it was bad. One star. I mean, I have done some where I've thought this is too good. This is actually pretty good.

Yeah. I did a Michael Caine the other day that I thought was not bad. Oh, give us a little bit of Mickey C. Nah, you've got to pony up the dollars. Whoa. You've got to pony up the cash. I might go onto your site and have a look. I think I'll get it for myself.

I think it's a private one. God damn. Let me... He's thought of everything. Let me try and get in the zone. Alfie. Alfie, are you home today, Alfie? Master Wayne.

We have to go listen to this little dum-dum club. Master Wayne. That's good. That's not bad. That's very good. It's better than I thought it was going to be. That's probably one of the best ones I can do. Wow.

Yeah, that's good. I quite like it. Which automatically makes it not a good bad impressionist yeah impression no but it's it's what i like about the bad impressionist is that when we came up with it it was more like i never said you were bad i find it very good what you do but it sort of covers all bases if you sort of go it's the bad impressionist like i i i find you very entertaining doing your impressions if you help if i put you under a microscope maybe i couldn't say look impressionist metacritic i can't say you wouldn't be fooled if you had your eyes closed and i if i turned up to the anz bank yes and said master wine center to take out 25 000 in his name if you tried

to get revenge by getting 25k under000 under the name M. Cain, I don't think you'd be able to do it. Yeah. Yeah. But I am very entertained because it's in person as well, because I know you. All those things are working in your favor. Yeah.

I think it's very good. But no stage in my head am I going, this is a critical masterpiece. This is flawless, whatever. So to just go the bad impressionist, I think that just gives you an out. Yeah, exactly. And I think that's how it's working. Well, also, there's plenty that I get where I'm like, I literally don't even know who that person is.

So I don't need to worry about researching. I don't need to worry about spending more than three seconds on it. I just fucking have a stab in whatever voice I feel like doing. And also, I mean, look, it feels like we're just fucking doing another ad to try and get this going again. We're not really. We're just talking about it. But I think part of the fun is it's fun to find out what's going to happen

because you're putting a request in the hand of a sort of partial novice yep someone that's not amazing at it yep if i was requesting something from someone who's amazing at it i'd be like this better be fucking good right right when i'm requesting it from you i'm like fuck knows i could get anything yeah yeah this could be you know this this could be someone just doing an african accent This could be fucking horrendous. Yeah, I mean, a few other ethnicities have come in that I don't feel comfortable doing. And again, that's the beauty of the bad impressionist. I don't have to worry about like, I'm not doing the voice.

You know, I don't want to get cancelled. I'm not doing the voice. And nor do I have to because I'm the bad impressionist. And not committing to the voice is all part of what makes me such a bad impressionist. Right. So, have you knocked back the voice? Have you committing to the voice is all part of what makes me such a bad impressionist right so have you have you knocked back the voice have you not done funnily enough i've had two different people ask me to do kanye right i again i know we've talked about this but the weird fucking requests that people are putting in like i i genuinely get it you know i know you were sort of like oh fucking people want to be want me to be capper or whatever i'm like i get it yeah yeah and capper capper's on the show sure but for them to hit you up and then go um fucking do bob hawk like why well i kind of agree with that more than it's

exactly what you're saying it's like you put in a request and it's like this could be anything so to me i kind of find requesting capper a bit of a waste because I've done Kappa on the show a bunch. You know what you're going to get. But putting in Bob Hawke, it's like, let's fucking see what he does with this one. That's more like seeing the excitement of seeing that come in and right before you hit the play button, just knowing this could be absolutely anything.

That makes more sense to me than someone just going, oh, do Lomas yelling comedy. Yeah, I guess so. I think if I was a listener, I'd be wanting something from the Dumb Dumb Universe. I wouldn't be trying to take you out of the universe and going, just fucking sing Milli Vanilli's, what's the fucking song? Something about the number. Well, look, I think the one thing that we can definitely both agree on is

no matter what kind of impression you're requesting, you are wasting your money. Yeah. You are doing fine for yourself. Yeah. If you can look at something like that and go, no worries. Yeah. I'll just chuck money into this. That is.

You're doing fine. You don't have to have any complaints about your finances if you can decide to. That is your working class Fabergé egg. Yes, exactly. That's a real fucking waste of money. It exactly is. It's a real swinging your dick around going, look what I can do with this. I almost feel bad with some of them.

It's like, come on, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You should be, maybe you should ask for their like tax returns or something. Yeah. If it's like, if you're making 100K plus, no problem. Yeah.

Do this easy. If you're fucking running the drive through it, you problem. It's easy. If you're fucking running the drive-thru at Ollie's Trolley's, maybe don't be paying $40 for me to be impersonating Burt Newton and Don Lane talking to each other. Exactly. Yeah. All right, we'd better move it along. We've got the CBS Mailbag.

Oh, fuck, we do too. Fuck. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, we've got to speed this up. I'm running late already and I'm fucking wasting my time like this. Yeah. CBS Mailbag.

Yes, we do. We do. Rightio. Okay. So the Little Dumb Dumb Club P.O. Box. P.O. Box 6-0- Oh, do we do the jingle? Can we put the jingle now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, no, wait. Let me give you the address, and then I'll put the jingle in. All right. P.O. Box 6-0-6-3, Hawthorne West, Victoria. If you want to send us anything in the mail, it's greatly appreciated. So we're going to throw now to the CBS Mailbag.

Here we go. Launch it. And we're back from the jingle, I assume. Now, we have got – you know, I thought we were a bit shy on our mailback. We hadn't talked about it for a little bit. I haven't got it added to the website yet. We've got to get our webmaster to just put on the webpage. It's physically nowhere written.

6063, PO Box 6063, Hawthorne West. Yeah. It's just people remembering what the address is. So, I thought maybe it's calmed down. We haven't talked about it. 3 Hawthorne West Yep It's just people Remembering what the address is So I thought Maybe it's calmed down We haven't talked about it It doesn't really inspire anyone

To send stuff out But we've had a fucking Bump a week Right Now we got We got a parcel From Let's see

Justin Ross Now it was a big old We got a bunch of Like big boxes And shit like that This week I was like This this is fucking exciting. This is Christmas.

Yep. This is podcast Christmas. Justin Ross. We get a big parcel that's addressed to Kyle and Timmy, P.O. Box 6063. Almost not appreciated, but anyway. He's made up for it when I opened up the fucking big box. Justin Ross is the Deputy Station Leader,

the Station Communications Technical Officer At the Australian Antarctic Division Now he has sent us a couple of hats Of which I'm already wearing one I was about to ask you about that Yeah Because I couldn't really see It's got like an emblem on it

And I couldn't really see it for a bit Because of the angle that you had your head on The brim was covering it And I was like Oh Carl's got a new hat. I wonder what it must be, like a band or something. And then I started looking at it properly. I'm like, what the fuck is the relevance of this?

But then I was just like, it just looks cool. I can see you just walking past the shop and going, I don't have that. I'm wrapped with it. And the cool thing is we've got matching hats, so we can both wear them at the same time. Oh, God, we're going to have to coordinate. Maybe we can wear them on Saturday at the show. Yes, absolutely.

I like the – It's a good logo. What I really like about it is it's – yeah, it's a cool little logo. It's a little globe with the text around the edge. And then – so that's embroidered on the hat, and then there's the exact same emblem in a little pin on the top of the hat. Yes, I know. I really like that little detail.

Yeah, yeah. I always find it weird, though, having a pin on a hat because it's kind of like on the other side of it, you've got the thing sticking it in, which is then just kind of digging into your skull. I know. I couldn't figure out how to take it off. I spent two seconds and I couldn't get it off, so then I went, all right, I'm wearing a pin on my hat.

You really didn't know how to get it off? I took two seconds and it made me mad, so I didn't take it off. I'm going to chuck this on. Yeah. Good. Now we're facing each other there we go let's let's let's get a picture of us both wearing the same hat yeah recording like absolute cool kings yep and one two three and there we go thanks justin um justin but man

but he if you remember this this guy's actually sent us uh so the letter says hello dickheads please enjoy a couple of caps to cover those heads of yours and save a child from crying. Not very nice. But we got a hat out of it, so I'll cop it. Yep. Now, and this guy's fucking high up. Like, mate, could we get this guy fired for saying nasty things like that?

I mean, getting fired from living at the fucking South Pole is probably not the worst thing of all time. Right, yeah, we're sending you the ultimate punishment to a warm climate. Yeah, sorry. The opposite. Sorry, you're now in fucking 21 degrees. You can't. So he has sent us an email before, which we didn't read out at the time, which I meant to.

It just got away from us. He did invite us to come down to their yearly show or party or something like that yeah it was like this over zoom was this in lockdown or was this before that no before that okay before that and it was like i can't remember the details but it was basically like i think he wanted us to perform or something like that but then it was like yeah make your own way down here i'm like yeah good one yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck that would have been so good. I know, I know. So I hear good stories about, you know, down there because it's like so fucking remote and insane. Like I hear stories about like people going down to visit

or whatever for whatever reason and then it just fucking kicks off. I mean, it is one of those things that like knowing, getting that request at the time, oh yeah, you've got to make your way down here and it's easy enough to just go fuck that. Yeah. But had we that request at the time, oh yeah, you've got to make your way down here. And it's easy enough to just go, fuck that. Yeah. But had we have known at the time that we were about to enter a year and a half plus

of no travel, not being allowed to go anywhere, I probably would have gone, fuck it. I'm just going to spend my own money to go to Antarctica. Why the fuck not? What if you got stuck down there? If a lockdown. Well, yeah. When was this though? Man, I reckon it was. Was it their Christmas party? though man i i reckon it was was it their

christmas party oh yeah i reckon it was yeah okay so that would have been fine yeah yeah um and even if even in lockdown like they'd let you get out of the fucking south pole surely uh yeah for sure yeah i mean we had noticed that it was kind of coming in that it was all like qantas are fucking running those flights or anything are they yeah I don't know who's doing it. I don't know anything. But I don't know if there's a bus. But getting your own money to get down there, I think it costs a fucking lot.

Oh, does it? Okay. It's not Jetstar. There's no happy hour flights down there for 49 bucks. Yeah, right. Imagine knowing that too. Like, oh, yeah, lockdown. This global pandemic's about to kick off.

We're all going to be locked down And no travel for 18 months minimum So this is your last opportunity Alright I'm going to Antarctica Yeah yeah you know what That's the next fundraiser Get Kappa down there We don't do a show down there

We just send him there We just send him to report back Let us know how it looks And whether it's worth our time Well thanks Justin Yeah thank you very much And I think that was the end of it I think there's stickers and shit as well back let us know how it looks and whether it's worth our time yeah yeah well thanks justin um yeah thank you very much and i think that was the end of it i think there's stickers and shit as well oh cool very funny you get a parcel like just logistically how that works in the world

where someone's you know we're using technology to to send things from antarctic to to melbourne yeah and it's a fucking sticker yeah okay great Okay. Great. Is the sticker the same logo? Oh, that's cool. It's a cool logo because it's like, unless you look at it properly, it's like one of those NATO logos. Yeah, yeah. You know, like a spy fucking head of the world sort of logo, sort of thing like that.

It could be like the enemy of James Bond or some shit like that. I can't wait to wear this hat and be asked about it at parties by people who assume that I have something to do with the program and then have to go, oh, I just got sent it because of the podcast that I do. Yeah. And just really disappointed. That's how bored people are down there. Yeah.

They listen to me. They listen to this shit. All right. What else we got? We got another parcel that was... They didn't want to put their name on it, so they didn't have a name. Okay.

But they're a Patreon subscriber, they said. And so... Oh, look, should I read the exact message? Probably not. But it's basically like they appreciate our work. Hey, mates, thanks for the user content, both free and premium. Regards, a dumbed-down millionaire club member.

And then he's made up his own slogan at the end. I'm more than aware I'm a millionaire. I like that. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Not too bad. Because, like, on Facebook, if you're a patron subscriber, we've got a separate group for those elite, for the elite,

that everyone's trying to pull down these days, but we're trying to look after the elite. Yeah. And they've got their own elite club. We're the ones helping them with the underground network of child sex slaves and stuff that they have. Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

We're running the pizza shop. Yeah, yeah. We swap, you know. One of us, we're on different shifts. The Sweet Gig is obviously making the Capricciosas as a front. Yep. And one of us is digging holes to throw two-year-olds in yeah we yeah we alternate days yeah yeah it's brutal when you're on whole duty yeah it's like

sometimes it's like oh i've got to hang over can we swap it's like fuck no yeah sorry mate yep you knew you knew you had whole duty when you went out drinking last night yeah but the one thing that makes whole duty easier is knowing that tomorrow you're back on the oven that's it that's it i mean some nights i'm out and i on the oven that's it that's it i mean some nights i'm out and i'm like i'm about to get on it i have that second beard i go i gotta stop here yeah i've got so many babies yeah to put underground tomorrow i don't want to be doing that hungover yeah yeah meanwhile i'm next to you i'm like yeah i'll have a shot yeah yeah go yeah put it in me i've got nothing but fucking pineapple to chuck on bases all day tomorrow.

Yeah. So this person sent us a big box of just – one of those ones where they – I think they're just looking around the house going, I'll just send them whatever the fuck's in the spare room. But not too bad. Pringles chicken salt flavor. Haven't had them yet. I haven't had them either.

Yeah, pretty interested. Pretty interested. And then a bit of stuff that I'm like, I think this is aimed at you, Tommy, more than me. So a bit of foreign food, a bit of Asian delicacies. Red bean moshi, whatever the fuck that is. Do you know what that is? I don't really know what that is, no. No, I don't know what that is.

Is it Taiwanese? Anyway, it's some sort of dessert weird thing and then a bit of what you you can tell me what this is this is this is japanese weird like confectionery fast oh this looks like positive the hamburgers and chips and stuff like that but it's like a dessert whatever they call that yeah they kind of look like those um those gummy you know those gummy things that look like pizza and stuff yeah they kind of look like that although yeah maybe that's what it is sort of yeah i can't really tell crack it open yeah yeah i don't know it's it looks like it's got some it's classic japanese sort of that you know crazy stuff where you go what what the fuck is this and why is this why

have they bothered to who wants fucking hamburgers that are lollies? It's also classic Japanese in that there is so much unnecessary packaging. Right. Yeah, I'm wrapping that. I'm preparing to be disappointed. It looks great on the wrapper. And it's getting smaller and smaller. What is it?

It's not even... Why do you make it yourself? Yeah, it's like... It's all powdered stuff oh i think you powdered hamburgers yeah i think you have to like oh lucky the fucking instructions are in japanese as well yeah you have to like cook it and it expands or something oh okay all right it's work to do looks really strange yeah and all yeah all the instructions are in japanese so i mean thanks anonymous person for sending this but i don't think that this is ever going to get made. I cannot for the life of me work out what the fuck you meant to do.

Yeah. All right. And the last thing that he sent us was a book, The Comedy Bible. Nice. A complete resource for aspiring comedians. Nice. Yeah.

So, we've got a how to do comedy book for you. Well, you know, if we ever think about giving it a go, that book's going to come in handy.

Yeah. And what I like about, I don't mind reading comedy books. You just refresh yourself and whatever, but you know it's good. There's pictures of

Carrot Top and Penn and Teller in there and stuff. So you know they're going to the geniuses. Hey man, we went and saw Penn and Teller. Yeah. Funny stuff. It was okay okay i loved that show yeah um and what i like about it like a

comedy bible comedy instructional book one that's about 15 years old that like he's talking about stuff that by now you're going do i need to learn about austin powers or yeah yeah yeah yeah you know and advice about internet comedy. Yeah. Where it's like, yeah. How to get ahead of the curve. Yeah. Yeah, how to release videos on MySpace. Oh, cool.

This will come in handy. So that's good. So we're going to have to divide all this up somehow, Tommy. Yeah, yeah. We'll work it out. We'll have, we can have,

we can have visitation rights with the, with the comedy Bible. Yeah. We can have half the week and then alternating weekends. Great. Learning about comedy. Great Yeah. We can have half the week and then alternating weekends. Great. Learning about comedy.

Great. We can eat half of the fucking dog shit that we've been given to eat. Split that all in half. Yeah. I'm just going to not bother cooking this Japanese stuff and just eat the powder, I reckon.

Great. Yeah. I'd like to know. I'd like to know how the powder tastes. One more final thing is much appreciated. A bloke called Brass from Adelaide sent me like goblets, like Liverpool Carlsberg goblets.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, nice. Fucking cool. That's cool. So I got the big pass on there like beer glassware. So very appreciated. So, yeah, nice little mix of like good things and fucking all over the shop.

Random shit. Yeah. Well, thanks, guys. Yeah, P.O. Box 6063 Hawthorne West, Victoria. 3122? Yeah, that's it. Yep. Can't wait to crack open the Changs at home I've got.

Put them into a Carlsberg. Danish glass. Yeah. I'm very much into multiculturalism. Yeah. It's all a big. It's a fusion meal. Melting pot.

Yeah. To me. Yeah. I don't care what country you're from. I'll get fucked up with you. All right. Are we closing up the CES mailbag? We are.

And let's move along. Also, someone sent us. Someone very clearly got sent, put like a note in their mailbox from someone that lived next door to them that's like very religious saying to repent their ways. Okay. The coronavirus is a sign of the end of the world and Jesus made it up and whatever. They just picked that out of their mailbox, put an envelope and redirected it to us. Thank you for that. Great.

We're happy to be the bin if people want. Yep. Yep. Very funny. The $1 bin. Just get a stamp, chuck it at us. Someone else's problem. Yeah.

Not return to sender. Return to just some random cunt. That is good. Yep. That's all closed up. All right, let's get into- Close it up. Let's get into reading out the names of people who subscribe to us on Patreon.

You can get on patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. You can get two bonus episodes a week at the moment. There's a big back catalogue on there. Get on there. Heaps of great guests. Heaps of great episodes. Really, really worth your time. Worth your investment.

But also, more importantly than that, for chipping in, you get your little name read out at the end of this episode. This is the romper room for people that are slightly dumber than kids on that show. Yes. And those kids probably didn't have to pay for it either. So let's crack it open. We've got the unplanned title alternator running red hot in these conditions. Keeping it fair.

It is. I just hope the temperature doesn't affect it. Here we go. First cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Lane Genrich. Lane Genrich. Well, let's go Genrich. Genrich?

G-E-N-R-I-C-H. Lane Genrich. Let's say that because Genrich just sounds ridiculous. Genrich. Genrich. Yeah, well, but the whole thing sounds ridiculous one way or the other. I have to say. Yes.

Lane Genrich. Lane Genrich. It's sort of much of a muchness. This is the guy. Now, I might be wrong. Let me know if I'm wrong, Tommy. But I think this is the guy who lives in Toowoomba. And I know that because Toowoomba, a friend of the show. Well, Nick Carr doesn't live there anymore.

I think he's moved out, actually. He's from there. He's from there. Yeah. But this guy was hitting me up and saying he's from Toowoomba and I was saying to him cool

go and find my ex-girlfriend because I had an ex-girlfriend that lives in Toowoomba yes yep and so he's like I'm on it and then

I think he literally walked down the street and come back and went I didn't see anyone called that right and I was like alright well thanks for trying, I guess. Like, really sort of convinced me

the way he responded to start with. He was going to go undercover. That he was somehow going to find this person. And I think he just walked down the street and looked for her name to be written down on a couple of mailboxes. Looked in the pub. Yeah.

Looked in the post office. Yeah. She's not there. Kept her ear out. Didn't hear anyone have that name yelled out at anyone um and what would you like to happen if he had a founder and had an interaction with her what would you have liked to have been the outcome um that's a good question i'd just like to know

how it's all going because the last time i heard anything about her was uh that because this is a girl that broke my heart many many years ago yep i luke mcgregor's brother is in the air force yes so she was still in the air force and when i met him he was like oh yeah i'm in the air force and i'm on this base i was like oh my god do you know xxx yeah he goes yeah i do i was like what the fuck yep i haven't heard from anything from her in 10 years or whatever it is and And then he was like, yeah, yeah, I know her. She's like pretty, oh, look, I don't know. I don't think she's going that well. I think she's pretty bitter that nothing really,

she didn't get promoted and she's like stuck in her job. I'm like, thank you, Luke McGregor's brother. Yeah, that's what you want to hear. So that was probably five, six years ago, I reckon. So yeah, if Lane could just find out, you know, I mean, he could even make it up he could be you know if anyone if any imposters of lane genrick yeah want to hit me up and pretend to be him and go yeah yeah i um i saw your ex-girlfriend she got demoted she's actually

after 15 years in the air force yeah she's actually washing the fucking exhaust pipes of the f45s or whatever the fuck it's funny that you were leaning on this random listener of the podcast to get this information when you've just said that you have more or less a direct line to her through Luke McGregor's brother. You could just hit him up to get you more intel instead of this stranger who's like, I can go down the street for you if you want, Mr Chandler.

Put my little detective hat on. I reckon Luke McGregor's brother, if I hit him up and go, Oh, hi, I know Luke. Can you do this or whatever i think he'd go that's weird but someone that pays us money already knows our podcast yeah it's like yeah i'll fucking saw my dick off yeah sure yeah as long as you mention me on the show yeah so i think this guy's keener to do to run my errands for me don't look around

the uh this is an errand don't look around the air force base an errand, don't look around the Air Force base. Yeah. If she's been demoted again, start looking at like the McDonald's and like the service station. She's probably working there now. Yeah. She's like parking the cars at the Air Force car park or something like that. That'd be good. You know, don't let me, don't get back to me if you find out she's now the CEO of the

Air Force. Right. I don't want to know that information. Well, maybe he did. Maybe he did find out, maybe he found out she's the mayor of the town. Right. And he's like, oh, Chandler will hate this. She's the vice president of the planes.

Exactly. No, I don't want to know that. I want to know if she's really fucked it. And she goes, you know what? You know what I can track all this back to? Dumping Chandler. Yeah. That's what fucked me up.

That was my big mistake. Yeah. Yeah. If she appeared before you now and said, I made a huge mistake, I want you back. What are you doing? Are you leaving? Are you leaving behind Don't Say Her Name and Blanket and moving to Toowoomba to give this another shot?

Man, have I ever said this to you? You know, like you get like fucked in the head at certain stages when you get dumped or you have heartbreak, whatever it is. Man, I literally, there was a point there where I was like so she dumped me she was in the air force and i was like and she had been in the air force for like i don't know 12 to 18 months by that stage and i was like you know what she'll take me back if i go into the air force if i start in the air force now i work my way i'll catch up to her yep and i'll just go through basic training and do all this stuff and Because you get moved around the bases as well. Yeah.

Like even when I was with her, she was moved around a couple of different bases and whatever. And so that's what she must have been since then as well. But the first place she had to go was Adelaide for like 12 months or something like that. So I was like thinking, okay, I guess I'm going to go to Adelaide for 12 months. And at some stage, hopefully, fingers crossed,

if it all goes well. We'll cross paths again. Yeah. If I do laps for fucking 12 months in Adelaide for 12 months and at some stage, hopefully, fingers crossed, if it all goes well. We'll cross paths again. Yeah, if I do laps for fucking 12 months in Adelaide and I run good, hopefully I'll get sent to Toowoomba. This is a beautiful romantic story. Not a psychopath stalking his ex. Absolutely not. How far did you get with this plan?

Did you go for an interview? No, no, no, no. It was just me crying in my bedroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going, this will get her back. This will show them. And then wake up in the morning and go, oh, that's no, no. It was just me crying in my bedroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going, this will get her back. This will show them. And then wake up in the morning and go, oh, that's a bad idea. I'll put this off until tonight to think about again.

Yeah. Yeah. So I didn't physically do it. Damn, what a shame. But definitely, definitely considered it. Yeah, yeah. That's just a sign that you go crazy, but you don't go completely crazy. Because I was like going, this is a doable, this is a viable option.

But there's enough in me going, don't do it. Don't jump. You've got too much to live for. Yeah. You've got just enough marbles to keep yourself from the edge. That's it. It is. It's very, yeah.

And realizing with more clarity, like a month out of of that where you just go, thank God. Oh, but imagine like – so this is before comedy and everything. Like imagine where I would be now. Imagine what – like comedy would never have happened for me. So this plan doesn't work out but you just love the army or the Air Force. So you're just still in it to this day. I'm goose at this stage. Right, right.

Yeah. She's been left behind. She's quit. She's polishing my boots or something like that. Right, right. Yeah, she's been left behind. She's quit. She's polishing my boots or something like that. Right. I'm like, I've gone in there so hardcore to get her back, so psycho into the Air Force. I'm like, if I get enough, if I kill enough people in the air in Australia,

she'll take me back. That would be a cool rule. Like when you're in any kind of like armed combat, like the Army or the air force or whatever if you take out a hundred a hundred people you get you get a wish yeah you get granted one wish most people use it to get an x back if i'm if i'm in top if i'm like you know in top gun they've got the nicknames of ice pick goose maverick what's my what's my air force what's my top gun nickname oh good question. Yeah.

Well, I mean, if that's your backstory, is that you're only in the Air Force to get an ex back, it's something like Sado or Psycho or something like that. Psycho's good. Psycho. It's Psycho. Socio. So-so.

Yeah. Yeah. Weepy. Yeah. It's something like it's got to be connected to the backstory in some way. Yeah. Soppy boy. Yeah. It's something like, it's got to be connected to the backstory in some way. Yeah. Soppy boy. Yeah.

Deluded. You know, you've got to have some sort of like. The possibilities are endless. But like those ones, something in that world of like Goose, Ice Pick, Maverick, you've got to sound something like that. Is there something that sounds like that that's quite sad, that's quite weird and obsessed and bitter?

Is it Bunny Boiler, maybe? Bunny Boiler's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah, and on the side of your plane you've got like a nice little

cartoon of a fucking pot with a bunny just... Ears coming out of a pot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. Alright.

That's good. People on the socials will figure out a better name than that. Exactly, yeah. So get on to that. Well, thanks, Lane. Thanks, Lane. Thanks for your detective work.

Keep up the good work, please. Double your efforts, please. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Kylie Wiltshire Jones. The old double barrel. Kylie Wiltshire. That's how you pronounce it, isn't it? Is the T sort of silent?

Do you go Wiltshire? Wiltshire. Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe it's Wiltshire Jones. I think it is, yeah. sort of silent? Do you go Wilshire? Wilshire. Yeah, maybe it is. Maybe it's Wilshire Jones. I think it is, yeah. Kylie Wilshire Jones. Kylie Wilshire Jones. Yeah.

I've got to say, you know, I often kind of quite enjoy a hyphenated surname. Jones is really bringing nothing to the party here. Yeah. It's just a really run-of-the-mill name. Yeah. So you... Kylie Wilshire. Yeah.

Great. She's got married to... Would it be she's got married or her parents got married or whatever that is? At some stage... Yeah, that's the two. Yeah, it's marrying and taking it or it's like a step parent thing or... Yeah. Well, obviously her original name, if she's got married and taken on the name, it's Kylie Wilshire.

You marry Wobbsy Jones. Sorry, but... Yeah, I don't want to be Kylie Jones. I don't want a piece of it. Maybe he's put the hard word on. Right. She's like, I don't really want to take your name. I think I'll just keep mine. It's pretty outdated.

I like my family name. He's like really pushing. It's really important to him to, you know, he's a traditionalist. And he wants a kid and he wants to keep the jones name to live on because you know he's he kind of thinks well it's a pretty rare one i don't want anyone to forget jones yeah and that's her compromise is like that is funny though when people will get married and they'll hyphenate the name and the kid takes the hyphenated name like carrying on this thing that's like not really you've just like basically invented a new surname

that that kid now has to be stuck with. And then what happens if they don't want to change it when they get married? What's the, is there a limit on hyphens? Are there like, is there a triple, is there a triple barrel up? Are there any of them out there? That's a good point.

You know who I feel bad for? Is I feel bad for the fans of that kid that gets born, then becomes a professional sportsman, a superstar, and then the fans go, I've got to pay per letter to get that guy's name on the back of my fucking shirt. Brutal. Man, there is, what's that, nine, 13 letters plus the hyphen. Yeah. If you're paying per letter, fuck, this guy better be good.

God, you'd like to think that they're chucking in the hyphen for if you're paying per letter fuck this guy better be good god you'd like to think that they're chucking in the hyphen for free yeah once you're spending that much once you're buying that many letters and it's not a letter they can just shave the top off an eye or something yeah give you that for free that's a letter though yeah but you know you're not getting the whole letter yeah i mean come on you'd be you'd have a pretty compelling argument there yeah and you'd like to think if you're a forward-thinking business that does this, that's part of your hook. You're like, hey, we do the hyphens for free.

Yeah, yeah, that's your slogan. Not everyone does this, but that's how we get people in. That's like printing the hyphens for free. Yeah. Because also I'm saying if this kid is like a real superstar, I'm looking ahead, I'm thinking, well, heaps of people are going to want this name. Right. I'm going to I'm thinking well heaps of people are going to want this name right I'm going to on the back of the jersey

I'm going to have to be competitive all of a sudden the dad's like you could have just had Jones exactly I tried to tell you yep you wanted your interesting

you wanted your combo you I mean I just said Jones yep I wanted to call you um Boz Jones Boz

after Boz Skaggs right and that would have been a total of eight letters all up would have been fucking easy boom yeah they could knock that out in about they probably do that while you're waiting in the shop no need to leave and come back and get it later yeah exactly dry quick yep yep um kylie uh kylie minogue was the first poster of a girl i ever had on the wall of my bedroom. Nice. Real big move for me.

Yeah. You know, it went from just like, you know, bullshit cartoon stuff or whatever the fuck on walls and then all of a sudden there was a girl. Time for a hot chick to take up some of this Thundercats real estate. Yeah. What did your mum make of that? The big move. Yeah. Well, I genuinely thought this is a real move. This is like my parents are going to come in and see this and go, oh, my boy's growing move. Yeah, well, I genuinely thought this is a real move.

This is like my parents are going to come in and see this and go, oh, my boy's growing up. Yeah. So like I don't think anyone ever said anything, but it was just a very like, oh, okay. Those things that you realize that there would have been an internal conversation in at mum and dad headquarters. Yeah.

In their room at night like, fucking hell, what's he on now? Yeah. You never heard about it but – Yeah. And also like it was a poster that came out of like a poster book, like a book in the newsagents I bought in the Marymount Newsagents just about Kylie Minogue. It was just all posters and stuff like that.

And I was like – I always found them so funny because it's like I don't want ten posters of this one thing. Yeah. I'm just going to pick the one that – or if it was like the two, say you did want two, they're often double-sided. Yeah. I was like, well, I've got to pick which side I want hung up.

Yeah. And I remember buying that and just being like, this is a weird, I'm changing. Things are changing. How old were you? Good question. I don't. Because, follow-up question, how long was that on the wall for before it got jade off over no well that well that's what i was gonna say like if you buy that i reckon i

i mean i was probably young enough that i was asking mom for money to buy okay right and then you come back with that and you go and the parents are gonna go i just paid for you to jerk off right right right this for yeah yeah that's a weird that's a very guilty sort of like come back with like this is what i bought with your money that you work hard for jack off material my boy's becoming a man yeah yeah um no i think you know what that was my, the first house I ever lived in. So I reckon that would have been age 12 or something like that. You're on the cusp. Well, what's, you know what, Kylie Minogue, Locomotion. Oh, yeah, 12, 13.

Okay. Locomotion is 989, I reckon. That's her peak. Yeah, you're right. That's right in the hitting zone of starting to have feelings. Yeah. I imagine maybe when you put the poster up, you didn't much of it you just like the music yes and then six months later you know you're in bed all of a sudden that post is hitting a little differently that was it was a funny

feeling it was i was like this is making me feel funny this is this is not what doctor who usually does to me right yeah not usually sure about that? So Kylie Some fond Are we just talking about People that I've Been in love with At some stage Is this a thread through Kylie's awesome

Kylie's fucking great Yeah I went and saw Kylie Yeah last year And it was so good Yeah She's got a new album out That I should check out

Yeah You know who You know who Is looking good? Dani Minogue. She is a master proponent of, I assume, subtle plastic surgery. Right. Yeah.

Because she doesn't look like she's had work done. Right. But she's looking good. If you get little bits of it done incrementally over the years, sort of as you're aging, no one's really going to notice, whereas if you all of a sudden at 45 go and get a monster session done, it's very jarring. But enough incremental surgery that you could explain away

as just good skin care regime. Yes, all that stuff. Who does that? There's a couple of people out there that do that. Oh, it's just good skin care. It's like if you take care of your skin does your bra size go up by three right right right yeah is that to do with hydration is that to do with drinking two liters of water a day i don't think it is yeah there's some severe swelling uh caused by that water intake but anyway but um yeah

so that's who i'm gonna get my work done with anyway is, is Danny Minogue's man. Danny Minogue's guy. Yeah, that's who I'm looking for. Just DMing her on Twitter. Hey, not to be weird. Yeah. Don't want to blow up your spot. Not going to leak this, reveal this to the tabloids. I just want to know because I want to get my own work done. Yeah, I want to look like you.

Yeah. Yeah. And then my ex will take me back. I want to make myself look like you. I'm going to make myself look like you, and then I'm going to go into the Air Force, and I'm going to get my girlfriend from 15 years ago

back yep because she was a fan I remember she had an album of yours yep so it's a long time ago I can't quite remember

what she was even like now yep I don't remember what she looked like yep but I do know one thing I know for sure yeah

this is a perfect plan she liked you yep that's all I've got at the moment yep I've got Lane the moment. Yeah. I've got Lane working for me. If he gives me anything extra in Toowoomba, then I've got more to work with. But you're all I've got at the moment.

Yeah. So, and, you know, who wouldn't be attracted to Danny Minogue? Yeah. You have been blocked by at Danny Minogue. It's the end of that exchange. Thanks, Kylie. Thanks, Kylie. Thank you very much. 53 minutes, by the way.

Fuck! And I'm late for something. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Karina Swan. Karina Swan? Yeah. I saw a couple swans yesterday and one of them bit me. Bit me on the hand. Really?

Yeah, because I was trying to feed it a chip. Oh, wow. You deserve it. I mean, it was, as far as it knew, it was just eating the chip. But eating that chip had a pretty brutal consequence for me. And I shrieked like a little girl. Really? Yeah.

Stop looking at me, Swamp. Karina. Beep, beep, Karina. That is an odd name, I have to say. Karina. Don't mind it. Do you? I don't mind it.

Would you say it's a bogan name? I reckon it's verging on it. It is ver't mind it. Do you? No, I don't mind it. Would you say it's a bogan name? I reckon it's verging on it. It is verging on it. Yeah. There's elements of it. Carina. I don't know. It sounds nice.

I think I'm enjoying it because I'm a big fan of the drink Ribena, and it's making me think of that. Right. Love a good Ribena. Underrated drink. For children, children sure but very tasty is it like sugared grape juice or something what is it i've never had it basically when i was growing up you would get it like a base like a cordial version of it yeah it's great it's

grape drink so you would have it at home but then you can get a version of it just like pre-bottled in the shops that's like you know because your mum's making it for you and she's watering it all the way down. I never really liked it that much growing up. But the stuff you get like the pre-bottled in 7-Eleven, it's like turbo shit. Right. It's like, I think that's why I like it because it's as if mum's just let you go absolutely wild on the big bottle of concentrated stuff that you have in the house. Right.

Fucking delicious drink, guys. Treat yourselves to a Ribena if you're out there listening. I should make a bucket list of all the things I've never had. That could be on it. I don't think I've ever had Lucasade. Yeah, I don't even really know what Lucasade is. No. Is it basically, is it just pre-made Barocca?

Is it all the shit that barocca is but you know you're not barocca's like you're buying the little pills and dropping them into water yeah i guess i always got the impression it was just that ready to go yeah yeah it's just like this vaguely make you feel a little bit better yeah whatever the fuck that is that stuff always makes me feel worse all that hydrolite stuff right um yeah barocca i had Hydralite once and it made me feel a lot better. But I was feeling insanely bad. Right. So that was me spewing for 12 hours.

Oh, yeah. You know, anything would make you feel better after that. Yes, anything. Throwing me in a well would have made me feel better. So not a big ad for Hydralite, really. Yeah. But Swan, like it as a name. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. It's good like it as a name. Yeah, it's good.

Yeah. It's good. Carino. You know what, Carino? Me saying, you know, sorry if I'm saying that it sounds a bit like a Bogan name. That's not the worst thing in the world. But it does sound like a name

that could have been made up yesterday. That's all I'm saying. I've never heard it before. It's like a bastardized version of something else. It's a few names mixed together or something C-O-R-I No, K K, okay, yeah, Bogan

We'll see If it was C It's what I was thinking I'm picturing C in my head I'm like, that's not too bad That's what I was thinking Yeah, okay That's what I was thinking

Yeah, yeah With the K I didn't have all the facts Yes I'm glad we were better I had to get out there and do my own research Yes Guess what?

As you always say Completely changed my opinion. Oh, wow. On Karina. All right. To the worst. But look, it is, the thing that does class it up for me is the name Swan. Swan.

Yeah, that's a godsend. That's a godsend at the end. Yeah. If you had gone with, you know, Karina Blogsworth. Yeah. Like, you're in trouble here. Nah. You know, Karina VCR Steeler. Yeah. Nah. Karina Mull Blogsworth. Yeah. You're in trouble here. No.

Karina VCR Steeler. Yeah. No. Karina Mullet. Yeah. Yeah. Karina Cousin Fingerer. Yeah. No.

No good. Hyphenated. Yeah. I've just got a call. Can I take this call? Yeah, sure. Okay. You can do it in a way that I don't have to edit this out.

You're on the air. You're on Talking Dumb Dumb. Identify yourself, caller. This is David Hughes. Is this the Muslim David Hughes? I've actually converted to Islam. I already wasn't drinking and I'm money hungry. No, no, that's another. You are on the air. I already wasn't drinking and I'm money hungry.

No, no, that's another. You are on the air. We are recording a thing. Hey, Naz, Nazeem Hussain. Nazeem Hussain, everyone. I was calling up about doing a free gig. You're the king of that, aren't you? No, you're asking me to do it.

You're asking to do it for my gig. No, no, no. I actually want to know what time I need to leave this dinner that I'm at. All right. So if the food comes out a little bit late. What are you having? What are you having? I don't know.

Apparently fish. Okay. Apparently fish. You've heard a rumor. Right. A few whispers going around the dinner table. What is Talking Dum Dum, by the way? I just see a lot of people talking about it.

It's this. You know when you record an episode with us? After that, we then talk for another hour about the episode and we talk shit about whatever. We talk about the listeners. It's like a director's cut. Yeah. No, it's a director's commentary sort of. Director's commentary, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we do it every week. Oh, really? Yeah. Do some people like Talking Dum Dum more than the actual episode? Yeah, I think that's fair to say. Yeah, yeah. And we do it every week. Oh, really? Yeah. Do some people like talking dumb more than the actual episode? Yeah, I think that's fair to say. Yeah. The weeks that you're on it, anyway.

Gotcha. Yeah, you piece of shit. Are you even going to be at this gig tonight, or are you going to be at the Archbark one? I'm going to be at both, sort of, back and forth. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Who else is on?

Is Tommy still doing comedy? I've just been recording Talking Dumb Dumb, so no, I'm not. Yeah, yeah. What time do you think you're going to get out of dinner? I don't know. A couple of hours. What time? I reckon 9.30 would be 9.30, 9.30.

You'll be at the gig at 9.30? I could be there. I could leave Richmond, which is like seven minutes away, it says, on Google Maps. Okay. This is behind the curtain. Isn't this interesting for people at home? Yeah, I reckon you'll be okay.

I've got to go. I've got to finish this fucking thing. Okay, bye-bye. See you, buddy. Thanks, Karina. Yeah. That is my life. I'm sure if our hypothesis about your name being Bogan

and you being a Bogan is correct, you're probably absolutely disgusted at hearing that Muslim man on the show in the middle of your name read. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Thanks, Karina. There you go. You've got a special guest, Nazeem Hussain, in the middle of your read.

Drop in. Dropping in on your name. Yeah, wants to drop in the middle of your resume Drop in Dropping in on your name Yeah Wants to drop in at Spleen tonight And wants to drop in on your name Tonight Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber

I'm so late to get to that gig I've got to go and sound check Fucking hell What time is it? Oh yeah It is getting pretty late Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber

Ben H. Cardwell Ben H. Cardwell Yeah yeah yeah Same middle initial as me Oh yeah And also Just to differentiate himself From all the other Ben Cardwell. Ben H. Cardwell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same middle initial as me. Oh, yeah. And also, just to differentiate himself from all the other Ben Cardwells we talk about on the show. Did I tell you recently that my friend saw my ID

and saw that my middle name was Howard and was surprised by that? And I go, you know, why is that surprise? You know, what did you think it was? And she goes, I literally just thought it was H. I thought your middle name was just h like homer what's what's wrong with them i don't know like what did you think it was like spelt out like right h a i t c h or something like that she's like no i don't know i just never thought about i just thought it was the letter because it's also like i don't she's like i knew it was your middle initial, which I

know, you know, I'm not, I'm not a Ben Cardwell type. I'm not putting it into everything that I write. She's like, no, I knew your initial. I just thought it was just that. Oh my God. So maybe it's, maybe we've got the same deal with Ben Cardwell. Maybe, maybe that is the case for him. Because why would you not put, especially to you know we need he knows that we need

all the information we can get for the for reading the name and talking about it and roasting it yeah why would he

why would he withhold that from us I I mean he should have backed himself and sort of gone you know I've got Cardwell that's something

I mean I think he's done done you know done us a favour by putting the H in. If he had just gone Ben Harry Cardwell, who gives a fuck? But he's got us talking. What's the mystery here? I hate to say it, but it sounds like the name of a magician.

Oh, yeah. I was going to say, is it Ben Heroin Cardwell? Because a lot of people go getting on the H. Oh, yeah. Ben Heroin Cardwell. Yeah. That's rough parents who've given him that. And we thought Karina was a bogan name. Oh, yeah. Yep. Ben Heroin Cardwell. Yeah. That's rough parents who've given him that. And we thought Karina was a Bogan name.

Yeah, yeah. Heroin's up there. Heroin's way more Bogan. Ice. Ice is a first name. Oh, my God. Yep. There's got to be someone.

Ice Monster Truck. There's got to be. Is that it? Another funny fella's character for you. The ultimate, the world's biggest bogan ice monster truck. Ice monster truck. Yeah. And it's ice monster hyphen truck.

Yeah. And it's like they were previously engaged to someone called Energy Drink. So it was like they were going to be Ice Monster Energy Drink. Right. But thank God that didn't happen. Thank God they got the cooler name of Ice Monster Truck. Exactly. They're slightly tough.

That's why they broke up with Energy Drink. Right. It was like, that's a seven, but this is an eight. Yeah, this is much better. Yeah. But, yeah, Cardwell. Again, but like you said, magician is like, I mean, back in the day, I was reading a book about this the other day.

They were saying that, you know, hundreds of years ago. Shut up. You're in a rush. Shut up. You're in a rush. Shut up. Heroin. But Cardwell, you're right. That's what made me think of it. It's like that would have been the magician name back in the day.

Like, oh, this guy, you give him a card and you take one and he knows what it is. He cards well. Yeah, yeah. It's like instead of just calling someone magician, that was their fancy way around it. Cardwell. Cardwell. He plays he cards well yeah yeah it's like yeah instead of just calling someone magician that was their fancy way around it cardwell yeah he plays his cards well i'm getting big magician vibes or i'm getting big benjamin h cardwell i'm getting a big steampunk energy off this man okay i'm getting a little top hat and the goggles the fob watch the vest all that shit yeah all of that disgusting

shit that those people wear. I'm really getting that kind of vibe from this guy. Bit of polyamory in there as well. This guy's got it all. Yeah, yeah. The insisting on the middle initial. I mean, it says something, doesn't it? It really does.

Yeah. You can't be... Can you imagine a world where you meet someone and they're just a ripper person and you go, what a fucking genuine salt of the earth great person. And then they go, yeah, my name's Errol P. Mosquito. And you go, what the fuck is this? I also like that you've made this assessment of them.

You're absolutely in love with them. And somehow that's happened without you knowing their name, any part of their name at all. Wow. I can't believe it's taken me this long to bring this up. But what's your name? Errol P. Mosquito. Ah, what a shame.

I take it all back. I spoke too soon. What a great name that I've come up with where I've gone. The idea of making up that name was to go, what a dickhead for having a middle name that's P, and then I've just made up the most fucked in the head first and last name yeah i mean that's that's the best part yeah yeah that's the worst of his name but also like yeah as if a guy called errol mosquito errol p mosquito isn't going to be errol p mosquito and ice monster trucker both got to go into the uh

funny fellas master list i'm just it's just really tickled me, that name. Errol P. Mosquito. Errol P. Mosquito. So hang on. Ice monster truck. And then, yeah. I'm going to book in. I'm going to book into a hotel.

You know what? From now on, when we go into state to do gigs, I'm going to book in under the name Errol P. Mosquito so people can't find out where I am. Yeah. I wonder how that works because when you check in you have to show ID and you have to put a card aside.

I wonder if they let you it's like can I have the name, can I have the hotel, can I have the room under a different name because I'm a famous podcast and I feel like fans of the show are going to try and be knocking down my daughter

have sex with me after the gig so can I instead check in under the name Errol P Mosquito I'm doing it for Perth that's it I'm doing it for Perth

great yeah and then people can try and find out where I am yeah but that doesn't yeah that whole plan that doesn't work

if you've promoted it on that. You know, it's like John Lennon wasn't singing a song about his alias at the hotels. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. I like it more. Yeah.

I want people, no one would ever ring around hotels looking for Carl Chandler. But people will try and find out where I am via Errol P. Mosquito.

Okay, the first person who, when we're in Perth, who can get through to Carl's hotel room, who can find the hotel that Errol P. Mosquito. Okay, the first person who, when we're in Perth, who can get through to Carl's hotel room, who can find the hotel that Errol P. Mosquito is booked into and get through, like you pick up the call on the hotel phone, they'll get something. They'll get a prize.

Yeah, we'll get a prize. Try and do it before. Yeah, if you're in Perth, if you're going to be at the gig, try and do it before the gig. Do it before the gig and then we can shout you out on stage. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Or send something to the room.

Instead of the PO box, send something to my room in the hotel. Yeah. Whatever correspondence you can manage. So first the first person, and there's got to be some kind of way of you like, yeah, knowing who it is, whoever is the first person to somehow get through to you that you receive correspondence from under the name Errol P. Mosquito. You know what the good thing will be? Is leaving a message via the concierge, via the reception, whatever.

I want a message written out and left under the door of my room that you ring hotel reception and leave a message for Errol P. Mosquito and then the most ridiculous message that you can convince the concierge to write down and give to me. Right, right, right. I want as many insane messages as you can wedged under my door. And do you want to, because you've booked all your stuff for this trip. Do you want to give any clues about? I'm in the city.

Deercom? I'm in the city. You're in the city. You're in the CBD.'re in the cbd yep all right that's it all right you don't have to do you want to say the length of the stay that you're going to be having so that they know they can you know get a bit of an early start okay yeah yeah i'm uh so the show's on what the show's on sunday sunday the january the 24th i'm there friday night you're checking second yeah you're checking in Friday evening. So you've got two days to get messages to me.

Not to me, to Errol. Basically, who knows what time you're getting in Friday, sort of later in the day. A bit risky to try then, but if you get up Saturday and you start hammering all the hotels in the Perth CBD looking for Errol P. Mosquito. I'll try to hang out in the hotel bar and have a few drinks and just wait for messages to be sent to me or

something on Friday night when I get there you think they're bringing them you think the concierge is bringing them straight over

to the bar like you're that ubiquitous in this hotel Mr Mosquito terribly sorry to bother you again another message has come through

I've never been in a hotel I've only seen them in movies so yes that's what I think. All right. Wow. Thanks, whoever the fuck that was.

Yeah. Fuck my computer. Ben. Ben. Benjamin. Ben H. Carwell. Look, yeah, we were shitting on him. I take all the stuff I said about

steampunk and everything. Yeah. All right. Let's wrap this up. I've got to do this quick. Come on. Okay. I'm running late for fucking.

Let's do a few more. I've got to set up a gig so that fucking Nazeem can perform there. Let's just do four or five more and then we'll... I would say less than that. Okay. Let's just do a few more. I've got to set up a gig so that fucking Nazeem can perform there. Let's just do four or five more and then we'll... I would say less than that. Okay. Let's just do one. Okay.

Last one. And... Right. Last one. Fifth one. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber... What the fuck? Could this be...

What? Oh my God. Okay. All right. I think this is who I think it is, and it looks like it is. This has come from a Toowoomba Air Base. Oh, okay. Jane Louise Comedy.

That's my ex-girlfriend's first name, but that's not the name. Oh, she's gotten married. She's gotten married to, got married to wow to i i assume a mr comedy that is shocking that i was i was certain that the last name was going to be errol p comedy yeah i had that and i thought no this is this that was easier that was easier i thought no i'll do this one this is a little bit more degree of difficulty. We'll get to that one. Yeah. A bit more satisfying of a reference, a bit further back. My God. My ex-girlfriend.

Getting dicked down by Mr. Comedy. Yeah. My God. All right. Well, thanks, everyone. We'll see you next time. See you. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets.

Bye. Bye-bye.