The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 537 - Live! Peter Helliar, Tom Ballard & Nick Capper

Episode Date: January 13, 2021

After the longest break from live shows in Dum Dum history we are BACK, LIVE in Melbourne to a sold-out crowd with PETER HELLIAR, TOM BALLARD and NICK CAPPER! Tommy's got a prop to make himself feel more comfortable, Karl's wearing all of his lockdown purchases, Pete has a new support act, Capper's eaten a pizza and Tom gets bullied. PLUS given that it's a live show, there's shots being done onstage and people in the crowd yelling at us. God, it's good to be back! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Melbourne with guests Nick Capper, Tom Ballard and Peter Hellyer. If you would like to see a version of this happening sometime in the future, you can buy a ticket to our Perth Live podcast, put it in a little time capsule and then break it open one day and come and see us over in the West. And of course, the Melbourne 500th episode is still on sale as well. If you're a big fan of hypotheticals, get on the Little Dum Dum Club website. Get yourself a few little time capsules on our website. But look, yeah, hey, look, this is our first live one in fucking forever. So this is, if you can't hear it in the recording, believe us, we were having a lot of fun here.

So hopefully that translates out to you guys right now. Heaps of fun. Yep. Enjoy this one. Live in Melbourne, Nick Capper, Tom Ballard

and Peter Hellyer. Hey! Hey mate Welcome Into the little dum-dum club For another week Thank you very much for joining us My name is Tommy Dasolo And with me as always The other half of the program

Carl Chandler so it's been so long I forgot my line oh wow we're back baby we did it God it has been the longest time that we've gone without doing a live show since we started the podcast I'm a little rusty.

Is 69ing funny? I can't remember. Rad Dad. Oh, yep. Sorry, I thought we were in our Facebook group. Right, right, right. Yeah, it feels like we are. Yeah, the Facebook group's come to life.

And it stinks. No offence. Oh, man, man. Man, it's just good to have Milan finally out of the house and instantly buying drinks. So... Yeah. Yeah.

It's happening. It's happening. He's just been having to shout himself from his own fridge for six months. He's literally... He's trapped in a feedback loop. Milan has literally been just sending slabs of beer to all of our houses. Yeah. Like, in lockdown, honestly.

Honestly. Kappa's got, like, a couple of slabs of Chang to all of our houses. Yeah. Like, in lockdown, honestly. Honestly. Kappa's got, like, a couple of slabs of Chang in his house that he won't touch, and every time I go there, it's like, can you drink this? It's you guys roleplaying, you scabbing off him. That's great. This feels weird. This is a bit of a weird role reversal. I'm going to be my girlfriend, you're going to be me.

Come on, mate. Don't talk about the first couple of comedy like that. Is there any Patreon subscribers in here? Nice one. I thought I'd wear everything you bought me in lockdown. Very nice. Yep. Yep.

Thank you. I thought I handled lockdown pretty well until, in hindsight, I realised that I'd done this. I've got my name on the back of my shirt like I'm five years old. Yeah. As someone who owns Mario Lego, let me say, you are pathetic. You could have got a Tommy Lego

and it would have been close to me. Yeah, yeah. Is that all? You've got the jacket, you've got the shirt, and then you've got the shoes. Oh no, not shoes, a hat. I'd love to be able to show you the other bit that I have of Liverpool that I'm wearing at the moment, but they are shorts. And

given where I am, you know how I feel. Right. But you do have them on under there? Oh, wow. It felt like he was going to make you beg to see them and then he's instantly like, alright, I'll get them out. There you go. I'm half, I just dacked myself.

So, yeah, there we go. Right. And you also got, in lockdown you were telling me, you go. I'm half... I just dacked myself, so... Yeah. There we go. Right, and you also got... In lockdown, you were telling me... You didn't say this on the pod yet, but... All right. You got... Enough female laughter, thanks. You got Liverpool tattooed on your cock.

Do you want to show people that, or...? In... In negative 60 font. I got the entire history of Liverpool Football Club tattered on my dick, yes. Right. All 125 years. All summed up in one word. This feels fucking weird.

It has been so long since we've done a live show. We've been doing the pod in... We haven't done live shows this year. We've been doing the pod in... We have done live shows this year. We've been doing the pod itself in a very different way. And I've got to be honest... Putting funny stuff in it. Putting funny stuff in it for once. First time for everything.

In these unprecedented times, we thought, let's do comedy for a change. The world is spinning off its axis. I've become accustomed to doing the pot in a very different way, and this is kind of freaking me out. I've got something that's going to help me feel a little bit more comfortable. Okay. I'm just going to go.

Do you want to cover for one second? Right. Yep, okay. Yeah, it's been a while. It's, um, all right, how do I cover up here? I guess I pull my pants off alright this is this is what you get

when you pay for a live ticket guys at home at home you can't see Tommy absolutely butchering his visual joke so um god I wish there was a fucking spinning wheel right now.

It's honestly going better than it did in my head when I was playing it. Tommy is now on stage. He's on Zoom. Let's say there's a computer around him. He looks like he's on the Zoom monitor right now. Tommy, turn your audio on. Tommy! Tommy, unmute yourself audio on. Tommy! Tommy, unmute yourself. Tommy!

Tommy! Yep, that's right, Carl. I am on stage with the cardboard box on my head. Can you guys hear me? Tommy! Yeah, I loved it. No, sorry, you go. Okay.

Tommy! Yeah, I loved it. Oh, no, sorry, you go. Is, um... Can people... I think my camera's off. Oh, well, in that case... Hey, Tommy! Tommy!

Tommy! Tommy! I've had a look out there. Keep your camera off. Right. Right. Yeah, look, I hadn't, um... Actually, I've got my pants off as well. You might as well take yours out. Right, right. Yeah, anyway, I hadn't... Actually, I've got my pants off as well. You might as well take yours out.

Right, right. Yeah, anyway, I hadn't really thought of the bit beyond this. This took ages to make, and yeah, somewhere along the way, I ran out of time to work out a dismount. So, I guess I'm just going to spend an hour with a fucking box on my head. Yeah, yeah. This is

perfect for the discerning listener that paid to get in and then walked out three minutes in. It's perfect for them. Fuck. I reckon you've got to... Can you do the whole episode like that, do you reckon? Yes. I think you've got to.

If I can get it comfortable... Oh, there we go. That's all right. That's all right. I don't mind this. Just poke holes through the O's in Zoom. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I really don't mind this at all. Yeah, that's actually quite good

because of all the cameras that are slightly off at home. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I'm doing it boomer style. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. So do I just sit here in the box For the whole thing now

I think so I guess And you And you with your pants around Your ankles for the whole thing We're back baby Thank god Thank god comedy's back

It took us Nine months to think of gimmicks This year Yeah Just pacing around my house Excuse me? You're goddamn right. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Thank you. Finally a bit of respect around here. Got the Stanley knife out. Got a fucking marker to do whatever side it's on,

wherever it is. I did. When we were talking very briefly before the show I said, what have we got ready and Tommy did say, I've been working

all day on a new idea. So, yeah. All day and night. And I think we can all agree, it's paid dividends. Sorry, are you still there? If anything bombs, which it will, it's bad internet. Okay? Yeah, it's bad internet. In Thailand, this would kill. So should we

get straight into it? Get the guests out? Have we got anything else? Have we got any other mishaps we want to get out of the way first? I don't know. I mean, I've got absolutely no peripheral vision whatsoever on this thing, so I'm really not busting to have a guest sitting next to me who I don't know. I mean, I've got absolutely no peripheral vision whatsoever on this thing, so I'm really not busting to have a guest sitting next to me who I fucking cannot see.

I'm looking forward to it because the guests backstage don't know what they're going to walk on and see. Two men sucking their own dicks on stage, essentially. That would be better than this. Did we want to do that one other little thing?

Oh, do we do that now? We can do it whenever. Maybe let's get a guest out here. Let's get a guest out here. I don't fucking know anymore. I hate this thing where we sit here for half an hour and then we've got like A-grade comedians and Kappa waiting backstage just going, why are we waiting?

And then they walk out and go, I was waiting for this? Yeah. All right, let's go. No, you go. I'm basically up here just proving the law of diminishing returns, aren't I? I would bet good money on the guests being gone now. Alright, well let's welcome our first guest for today. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Peter Hellier!

Hello. Hello. Welcome. Hello. We were just talking... It's a fucking slow start, guys, isn't it? We were just talking backstage about a gig you did with us one time where a lot of embarrassing things happened in Adelaide to you.

We've just topped it, I reckon. Yeah. I like that you have your meetings on fucking stage. That's great. You can borrow this for Monday night on the project if you want. I reckon it would be pretty good. That's what Lisa Wilkinson would be happy to jump in. Where are your cardboard boxes?

It says Tommy Dassler on the bottom. Bewildering the audience. Call back from before. Yeah. Thanks for coming on, Pete. My pleasure. Speaking of the project, you were very, very, very kind enough to help us get on the project.

We are still officially the last live guests on the project in studio so far. Yeah. Yeah. Which any other year would have sounded a little bit like we were so shit they went, let's get rid of guests. Right. We went up to the northern beaches and kicked off this cluster just so we could hold on to the title for a little bit longer potentially.

And you give me too much credit, I actually fucking fought against it, to be honest. Surprisingly, one lead went into that for you guys. It was brutal for you to learn how little sway you had. They're like, no, we're getting them on. Fucking people, we're getting them on. I tried to get Aunty Donna on, and that got fucking knocked back. I was like, don't worry, bro, I'd know if I can get you on.

Three days later, mate, can't get you on. Well, we got get you on. Well, we got on over there. Fuck. I mean, we don't have a Netflix special. We don't even have a BTV6 special. So for all the Ballarat TV fans out there. There you go.

There you go. Anyway, I thought I was coming to do Willosophy, to be honest. I'm disappointed. Same sort of standard, I think. Pete, where do you get your ideas from? In the shower when I'm wanking, to be honest. So I had to answer the Willosophy question in the little dum-dum pop style. Right, right, right.

That's where Tommy got his idea from as well. I can't hear very well in here either, so a lot of this is just going over my head, honestly. You're next to a speaker. Huh? You're next to a speaker. Oh, yeah, I am. Oh, hang on, I've got you muted by accident.

It's still working. Against the odds, it's still working. Wow, you people really have been staffed for entertainment. There will be a tipping point. Oh, it's still working. Wow, you people really have been starved for entertainment. There will be a tipping point. Oh, I can't wait. I'm going to go tumbling off that cliff. Fuck yeah. I reckon I'm setting myself a challenge.

There's a Zoom reference we haven't made yet. I reckon there's going to be one. We'll find one. I reckon in the next half hour I'm going to get it. You owe me big time because meanwhile you having no pants on is just skating by completely. It's a real treat, isn't it? It's a real treat. Yeah, yeah. I just hear a female laugh and then I go, fuck, how baggy are these pants?

They're a loose short. Yeah, they are a loose short, aren't they? I really didn't specify them to be this loose. Anyway, they're made by Nike so I'm sure some of my children in Thailand did make these shorts. And have you got a little Liverpool G-string on under that? How deep does this go? Don't worry, I would have it. I've got everything else. I bought Liverpool chocolate.

It's got nothing to do with Liverpool. They've just got, like, laxettes and put a fucking wrapper around it. Was it good chocolate at least? No. Great. I bought two of them so I could keep one. Oh yeah? In the original packaging? In the original packaging, one to play with and one to display.

It's not food mum, it's a collectible. Pew, pew, pew, pew! I'm coming to get you, Nestle. Pew, pew, pew, pew! Pete, do you have any kind of collector habits that rival this man? No, I'm an adult. I haven't got the 14. I fucking love Star Wars.

I'm getting shamed by Star Wars fans. This is a low point. Alright, let's get our next guest. Let's get our next guest out here. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Tom Ballard. Yeah. Hello, poops. Oh, God.

What a joy to be here at the beginning of the third wave, everybody. Here we go. It starts here tonight. I mean, we're... It starts here tonight. What the fuck is wrong with you? No offence, Tom, but we're running out of room on the stage and I felt like I had to open up a little bit. Hey, let's think about another victim of COVID, belts, okay?

And they've had a rough year. And the restrictions were tough. I'm sure you felt this too, Pete. It was tough that day. Dan Andrews told us we had to restrict our exercise to one hour a day. Okay, that was... Well, I have to work down my regimen. Thanks a lot, Chairman Dan!

I still had those days where we had one hour outside where I went to the front door on a beautiful sunny day and went, nah, fuck, not today. I'm going to Uber Eats a coffee. I'm living in fear at the moment that I'm going to get COVID, not for the actual health things of it, but then, you know, it's like someone in the city gets it and then they have the listing of like

if you've been these places that this person had been like I've had days where I'm like this would be a fucking nightmare to be in the present if you were at the Nintendo area upstairs at EB Games on Swanston Street if you're at this fried chicken place for lunch if you're at this other fried chicken place for dinner

I mean I've been logging in but I'm less scared of getting COVID and more scared of finding out how many times I've been to Bridge Road McDonald's from my wife. My biggest fear was getting tested and ending up as file footage on the news.

No! No! Not now! This man started crying and all he was doing was filling out the form. But it's all over now and we're all back to normal. It is.

I know, remember the pandemic? Vaguely, vaguely. At least, at least. But you know, for everyone at home, don't worry, everyone is very safely distanced in here.

Tommy's in a box. If there's a super spreader in here and then I'm the only one that doesn't get it because of this hair brained prop gag. The back seat

is a fucking air conditioning fucking cardboard box. Yeah, Tommy's got the most effective mask. One that doesn't cover any of his hair. Yeah, Tommy's got the most effective mask, one that doesn't cover any of his hair. Yeah, you're pretty safe from your forearms getting COVID. That's about it at the moment.

Yeah, exactly. It's a good bit, Tommy. I don't care what they say. It's been brutal having gigs coming back because you get up and you try some new material and people look at you like, is this what you were working on? You had months.

You had six months. And this is the joke that you could do? I know, I know. There at you like, is this what you were working on? Yeah. You had months. You had six months. And this is the joke that you could do? I know. I know. There's only like, someone said to me the other day, oh, here's some material I wrote during COVID. I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with you? What were you doing with your time writing material?

No one else was. Yeah. How much did you, so you wrote nothing? I... Can you even remember old gear? No. Honestly, I... Have a crack at a joke right now.

What could it be? What could it possibly be? How's the start of it go? I did walk into a restaurant because it was closed down because of COVID. There were three people allowed into a cafe and I was one of them. I looked at the very heavily laminated, disinfected menu. Did my QR code. Yes, yes, yes.

I looked at the change of items on the menu. It was a much smaller menu than usual. It was all takeout. And one of the items was something called a duck sandwich. Oh! Which... Which... And I'm just getting the word comedy is back, everybody.

I've just received the word from ScoMo. That's Dan Andrews saying, get on the duck sandwiches, everyone. We're all in this duck sandwich together. All right, all right. Let's get our final guest down here. I'm loving it down Alright, alright. Let's get our final guest down here. I'm loving it down here, honestly. I mean, I'm just saying

knowing who the next guest is, I'm going to need some more room, okay? Oh, fuck off! Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dum club, Nick Capa! Ho, ho, ho, St Nick is here. Bearing Christmas gifts. Ho, ho, ho.

Just quickly, I feel like normally for the listener at home, he would have to point out that you're wearing a costume, but actually we have to point out that it's the exact absence of that. You are not dressed up like St. Nick in any way. Welcome, St. Nick. What have you got for us? Oh, ho, ho, ho. I've been busy buying gifts in the last three minutes. So today, the lucky crowd,

first gift is some Kleenex antibacterial wipes. Say, Nick, you're too generous. You really should have said that to yourself. What's this? Shampoo? Someone's been naughty and robbed of emotion. I'm going to come down your chimney and maybe...

Alright, I'm just getting the word comedy's gone again. It was back for a brief moment. It's now, it's gone back into lockdown. There's a massive cluster of bad comedy happening. Oh no, Ballard's going to get fatter. Challenge accepted, everybody. Right, the third wave of blubber.

I put in a few kilos as well, buddy. It's all right, it's all right. I got some yacult for the audience. Oi. And some No-Dos. Yay. Now I've got some gifts. I think they went to the same fucking person.

You've got to be serious. Share the love. Say it, Nick. Share the love. That person must have been especially good this year. All right, next up. This guy's just going to have some milk and stay up all night. They're going to lose their fucking minds, bro.

It's a Saturday, baby. What did you do last night? I saw a podcast and rubbed some medicated wipes on myself. Scaldy, you cunt. Yeah, had antibacteria all night. You're going to need it because I'm going to rub myself up against the roads. Oh boy.

Have you forgotten what Santa is? That's right. Think these things. Don't say them. Alright. Next up. Next gift is anti-cold. Alright. Oh fucking hell. Sorry.

If you're listening to this, Zane just threw that into Tom Ballard's head. That was just Tom's head. You okay, Tom? My bitch, my head. Zane's arm is a bit sore from jacking during lockdown. All right, guys, I'm this close to logging off, honestly. Do your elves work at Chemist Warehouse?

Yes, which is why, Ballard, I got you some tuna. That makes no sense, but thanks, Santa. John West is the best. Santa, Santa, I saw you before the show and you grabbed a bunch of white piece of baby and said, I'm going to make a beard out of this. And you haven't done that. No, I did not.

Santa did not get time for... No, I had plenty of time. I only thought of this at the last minute. What else have you got in that paper sack of yours? That John West, that's great, man. That'll last for ages. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. Probably more than an ABC TV show.

I've fucking roasted you, Ballard. The thing is, I've never even been on TV. And I've been doing this for 12 years. I'm trying very hard to get you on the project For Tommy I got you a poncho Thanks mate Put that on as well This is because you're getting so many people wet

With your new costume Women that is Anyway This is because you're getting so many people wet with your new costume. Women, that is. Anyway. Thank you, Nick. We didn't get that. Men can get wet too, I guess. Pre-cum, I guess. That classic Santa catchphrase,

no homo. The equal opportunity comedy of Nick Capper. Yes, yes. The most woke comedian I know. Yep, I'm up for them all. What does that mean, Santa? Give us more details. Anything else, Santa?

Keep talking like this and I'll come down your chimney. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep, yep, yep. I can feel the regret coming off Pete Hellyer from here. Carl, I got you some cheese and crackers. Oh, thank you, Santa. Yeah, you can share this with your lady that you, I don't know, sometimes hang with, I guess. When you're not at a comedy gig or at my house, you can have these.

Great, thank you. With the person you spend half an hour with, probably a day. Thank you, Nick. And last but not least, Helly, I got you a big gift. Did you? Yes.

So... Is it not the gifts you're looking for? big gift. Did you? Yes. Is it not the gifts you're looking for? Oh, shit. Oh, wow. Which is the quick. Thank you, Zayden. Quick, claim that one. Thank you so much. Quick, quick. That's exactly what I wanted. I got you a hoe garden.

A garden full of prostitutes. That's exactly what I wanted. I won't tell the wife. No exactly what I wanted. Get out. I won't tell the wife. No, what I got you, Elliot, is... Now, usually you have to pay support acts. But... That's not true in your experience. I will support you for a year on your next tour.

Yeah! Wow! It's a Christmas miracle. Yeah. Wow. That's... Yeah. Let's move on.

Also, I got dip... I got dip-lamb. There you go. This is... To be honest, I know that you were all thinking, oh, this is funny, this is all disappointing gifts. This is... He has spent half his year's wage on this.

Yeah. I'm going to have to send you a docket. Is that a fake bottom in that bag? This just keeps going and going. I spent $40 at 7-Eleven. It sucks. Also, also, a sign of how little you work, you just said, I'm going to have to send you a docket.

The word's invoice. You said you spent this money at 7-11. Does that mean you can't get tuna at Chemist Warehouse? Don't worry, everyone. More Yakult. I can't wait to hear the set-ups on the next six Yakult. I always wondered what it'd be like to go to

in 7-11 and hit shuffle. Excuse me, innkeeper, I'd like $60 worth of mixed 7-Eleven. Yeah, surprise me. Dealer's choice. Yeah. I'm feeling lucky, 7-Eleven. Hi, 7-Eleven, do you have a joke that goes for too long and is way too expensive? No worries, I'll fix you right up. Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of this shit. that goes for too long and it's way too expensive. Don't worry, I'll fix you right up.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of this shit. I've got quickies. See me if you've got a cold. Wow. Well done, Saint Nick. Santa Claus, everybody! Now that,

now that is how you seamlessly bail out of a comedy bit. Yeah. What a masterclass. If you have a cold. Make sure you see me directly. Give me a hug afterwards. That's all I request.

If you needed someone to get out of a bit that's going badly, I would pick Nick Capper. Plenty of experience. Yeah, what's it like? You'll see plenty of it next year. Those are going to be the best gigs you've ever had in your life. Once you walk out, people are going to be fucking ratcheting you. It's not a round of applause, it's just a round of,

wow, he's a lot better than the last cunt. That's what matters the most in comedy, contrast. Some comedians are funny, then goes the other way. Yeah, a real trendsetter. Hey, thanks for being part of this, St Nick. Thanks for being part of it. A rare opportunity for you to be on one of our podcasts. Yeah, it is.

It's almost like I have to fight against it these days. Now, I want to bring this up. We haven't talked about this. This happened a few months ago in lockdown. I love this. Now, someone hit you and Tommy up, a company hit you and Tommy up to get you to do sponsored posts on Instagram, a pizza shop. Yes.

A branded pizza shop. Now, the deal was they gave you a bit of money each and you did, like, a silly post on Instagram or whatever, and that was fine. But a bit of money each and you did like a silly post on Instagram or whatever and that was fine. But then part of it was that you got free pizza as well. That was the deal, right? Yes, yeah, got free pizza. So you got pizza delivered to you, didn't you?

Yes. Now, what happened? I ate the pizza. God, I've missed this. What a comic mind. I don't know. Remember when... They delivered a whooping cushion.

I can't believe you don't remember this part of the story. You told me it. I've been saving it for ages. I'm going to tell it, you fucking idiot. Actually, I do know what happened. Was it something unusual and funny? Yes. Oh, well, okay. That's probably it is. That's why he overlooked it and bought menthols instead. Was it something unusual and funny? Yes Oh wow okay

That's probably it is That's why he overlooked it and bought menthols instead Can I trust this story with you? Because I feel like I would tell it better because I remember it Will you tell me my story and I'll add to it

Whisper it to him and then he can maybe tell it. I was kidding, but anyway. Ah, okay. You still didn't know it until I said it then. No, I think I did. Did this actually fucking happen? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How eventful was this fucking pizza dinner that you had that you think there's four other elements of it that you should talk about instead? No, there was nothing really that eventful was this fucking pizza dinner that you had that you think there's four other elements of it that you should talk about instead? No, there was nothing really that eventful. We took a few photos, and then I got the pizza, I ate it. But in between that... So tell the story properly. You've got...

Guys, this is what happens when you platform neuroatypical people, OK? It's really important work that the Dum Dum Club is committed to, but it just takes a little while. Yeah. And this panel may not look that diverse, but look closer and I think you'll find. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Straight, white, gay, and whatever the fuck's going on here. Fucked brains matter, okay guys? So, you got paid from the pizza shop. Then they said you can have any pizza you want. You got it delivered. You ordered it.

And then what happened? Well, we ordered five pizzas. And then they were taking ages to come. And you live just off Victoria Street, which is a bit of a sketchy street. Yeah, why don't you just tell them my whole address? Well, they could come and stay on your couch rather than you staying on their couch, which usually happens. Yeah, that's true. This is like a ventriloquist act where the ventriloquist is the really rude one.

And the dummy's like, I'm sorry folks, I don't know what's gotten into him. I'm saying to the dummy, say it properly, you fucking cunt. I wish I had a hand up my ass. Fuck, it wouldn't hurt at this point. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Comedy's back, everybody. They got it into the ICU. There we go, there we go. Houston, we have no problem. Fuck, I can't get it. Okay, it's gone again. G'day, Houston. All good up here?

Just hanging up here, Houston. No worries. Just checking in. Oh, man. So, Kappa. Let me take you back. You got, you had a sponsored Instagram post, you got some money, and then you got free pizza

out of it. Now, you ordered the pizza. Yes, ordered the pizza. Pizza is a traditional Italian dish. Yes. I was excited. I got free pizza. I'd made it. I was an influencer. An influenza, did you say? I said, hello, it's patient hero.

I love a moment where I'm hanging shit on someone like they're the biggest dickhead in the world dressed like this. Yeah. Goal! You're a cunt. I love it how there was no intelligence put into that boom whatsoever

and you guys still laughed. That's so good. Anyway, I'm in a hole again. So the pizza's coming. The pizza's on its way. The pizza's coming. Who wants on its way Who wants another Yacolt? This is some Ray Badger and shit right here Exactly Straight up Badger and shit

I was going to say, if you chuck your Yacolt out there That's the most culture that they're going to get How long do you want me to do up front, Pete? Just turn the fucking mic on. The backstage mic. I'll do the rest. Pete, you've surely had to wrap people up on the project when their interview's gone too long.

Help us out here, for God's sake. Shut the fuck up, Nick. It's exactly what I said to Manny Patinkin on the show. Clang. shut the fuck up MasterChef started him you don't have like a right wing guy to cross to

you know we have Steve Frost that was the joke you don't have oh hang on hang on Hugh's here he's on the way

to the Sky News studio I think fucking lockdowns bullshit He's on the way to the Sky News studio, I think. Fucking lockdowns, bullshit. They want me to do a rent-free. Yeah, thank you. He likes it in the basement, no 5G. Scandemic!

Yeah, so Hughsey delivered the pizzas. The story's fine. You don't need to put Hughsey in it. Okay, alright. So anyway. So I was waiting on these pizzas. It's taken ages. That rings a bell.

Yeah. What's wrong with taking ages? If you're a marathon man, it's good. And then when you get to the big, then they have the big. Yeah, but no one's ever looked at a marathon and gone, this is good and exciting. Yeah, but

anyway, let's keep going. Pizza's on its way. Okay, so pizza's on its way. And then I get a phone call. Whoa, slow down. What's the rush? We're all having fun.

Let's just hang out. Please paint a picture, mate. Paint a picture. Time was it. Details. And it was the aristocrats. This is a podcast. This is not a radio show, you know?

You can really detail these things. This is like, I don't know, Neighbours, the audiobook? Is it? Neighbours has hot people on it. Speak for yourself, Bal. Alright.

I will. I'm a big fat gay now. Can I have that? Are you going to use it? Yeah, I should open with that. Okay, so yeah. Then I get a call from the guy, and he's like, listen, Nick,

sorry the pizzas are taking so long. We had them, like, to get delivered to you, but the pizza man got robbed. Like, out the front of your house. Yeah, yeah. He's like, the pizza man got robbed. Like, out the front of your house. Yeah, yeah. He's like, the pizza man was mugged. Like, they took the pizzas.

They did the pizzas? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They took the pizzas. Oh, no. And I was like, is he okay? And he's like, yeah, he's fine. We're going to have the pizzas to you soon. And I'm like, but is the guy okay?

Like, do you want to go and help him? And he's like, no, no, no, no, he's fine. He probably stole them. That's an inside job yeah yeah he said yeah they do it all the time they steal them

what so the guy just was on his bike and then went I might eat five pizzas yeah and I was like I can't believe Ballard had that job

as a delivery driver no no no who am I the fat guy I've been staying very fucking quiet, mate. Years of fucking being the fat kid at school, I know. You fucking stay quiet and you hide behind a fucking tree. First they came for Ballard and I said nothing.

And I'm always sick on the day of the fucking swimming sports. I know how it works. No, it was literally Pete walked in. We go, Pete, looking great. Yeah, I've lost weight. Balad walks in. We go, hi, Balad. No, but if you listen to the story, Carl, he was riding a bicycle.

Oh, right. So, yeah. I mean, if it was like, oh, yeah, political comedian on a large segway. You got that. You got that. You got that. Sorry, man. Sorry. I fucking love Ballard.

I love him so much. He always cops it. Well, you know, as I said, there's more of him to love. No, I'm team Ballard now. Yeah! Sorry, no offense.

Well, you've lost a lot of weight and you still look like shit. How dare you? Oh, wow. Carl looks like even more of a zombie, right? I've missed this. There you go, buddy. Thanks, mate.

You look great. The haircut looks great, right? Wow. Fucking brutal. Oh, no. There you go. You look great. The haircut looks great, right? Yeah. Wow. Fucking brutal. Oh, no. Even I know it doesn't look good. Oh. Yeah, yeah.

I like it. Oh, thanks, man. So did they just send another five pizzas to the house? Yeah, they sent another five pizzas to the house. We ate the pizzas. And then the lady's like, oh, let's collaborate again sometime or something. And I was like, yeah. And then I sent the photos. It's me in the bath with the pizzas. And then the lady's like, oh, let's collaborate again sometime or something. And I was like, yeah. And then I sent the photos.

It's me in the bath with the pizzas. And then wrote her an email. She's like, wrote an email. Hey, would you like to sponsor our podcast? We think you'd be a good fit or whatever. Total silence. Like nothing. Like just sent the invoice.

That's it. Yeah. Haven't heard back. Can you describe the picture that you took of you in the bath with the pizzas? I think out of all the fucking details of this one hour and twenty minute story, that was the one you really skipped over that I was like

I kind of want to know what the photo was. It was just me in a bubble bath with the pizzas. It was a great shot because I used to live with a photographer. What do you mean with the pizzas? Are we talking like the boxes around you or the actual pizzas are out? The pizzas are out. I'm eating a slice. I'm in the bath. There's bubbles. There's me

with sunglasses and I've got a big gold chain. It was a hot snap. That sounds like a lot of trouble you've gone to. Would you care to tell us what you got paid for this? It was like 200 bucks or something. I just doubled what you told me. I don't know,

maybe jogging is fucking memory or something. Maybe you'd like to jog your memory, Carl. No, it's 200 bucks because he robbed the first delivery guy and took all of his pizzas and like, that adds 100 bucks of value onto it. I started feeling sorry for the delivery guy. I was like, oh, poor guy, he probably stole them and I'm like, oh, poor guy. And he probably stole them.

And I'm like, fuck that guy. Like, it's such a rollercoaster of emotion, you know? Yeah. But yeah, and the lady didn't get back to me at all. Also, I was bummed because the pizzas were really good. But then I ordered them again and they were shit. So, fuck you, Bubba Pizza. Oh!

You can suck them, Bubba Pizza. You can suck on my dick. Bubba Pizza. And it would taste better. I like how you made that Italian because you're like, Bubba Pizza sounds Italian. Hey, Uncle Bubba. But did they use the photo of you in the bath with the pizzas to promote the pizza? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Did they? Or did you use it? You just put it up. I put it up and then I think they put it up as well. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. But I was like stoked.

I never get asked to do that stuff. You guys would get asked all the time. Oh, Bubba Pizza would be on to me for years. Just coming back from an ad break, hoeing into a slice on the project Oh sorry Tell me what happened to your Zufa I'm free I'm free

I'm out of my cocoon like a beautiful butterfly Should we cut to this? We did ask the audience before the show if they had any requests for the famous, the star of Hit Account on Cameo, the Bad Impressionist. We did have a couple of suggestions from the audience.

Pete, everyone's pivoted in lockdown and I'm doing Bad Impressionist on Cameo now. He's marketing as the Bad Impressionist. He's absolutely rolling in it. I know, but Pete Pete you're looking for somebody sorry Pete a bit offensive

that you know Carl just says oh the bad impressionist I'm like Pete's going to need this explained to him it's like as I'm saying

I'm like fuck it's all there dude I'm really looking forward to your very good impressions no it's the opposite

it's the opposite he still doesn't get it. He's not a rebellious impressionist. Fuck. Whatever Kappa's got is catching. All right, here we go. Can we maybe hear Kappa advertising some bubble pizza? Oh, yeah, sure.

No, wait. Stop giving him shout-outs. You're the one that named them, you idiot. Yeah. Also, they're down five pizzas. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're just're down five pizzas. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're just giving them five pizzas.

Yeah, but they're a big company. They wouldn't miss five pizzas. Oh, okay. They clearly pay their staff dog shit wages. Yeah. Because they have to steal their fucking butter. Yeah, exactly. And imagine eating a shit pizza on five of them.

Well, you said the first ones were good. Yeah, they were good. I reckon once you eat the first shit pizza, you don't go for the next four. One of these are going to be fucking good. Pizza and shit in such small portions. I love how I ate the pizza and then I'm walking

down the street and just get hit in the head by someone just frisbee and just going, yeah, mate, take these ones. Come on down to Bubba Pizza for our Stockholm Syndrome special. Five terrible pizzas that by the end of the fifth one, you'll actually love. I really want Kappa

to become a full-time influencer. That would be, nothing would be funny for me. Kappa being, like, doing makeup tutorials and fucking... That would be great. Yeah, I'm into that. He already does stand up like a YouTuber does already. Ouch.

Oh, damn it. Mamma mia. All right, Tommy, are you ready for a few bad impressions? Yeah, so we took some requests on the way into the gig. People usually pay $40 for this. You're giving this away for free? Yeah, well, it's Christmas you know, it's the... It's Christmas. Give me, it's Christmas. Bubba Pizza presents the bad impressionists.

Yes, exactly. I just, sorry, I didn't realise you needed two stools. I don't! I will not become the new deal of this podcast! Alright, alright. Here's your first request. Fiona O'Loughlin acting sober.

That's great. He hasn't done it yet. I think I'm having a stroke. That's a pretty good impression. What about this? Carl talking to Blanket. Oof. Now don't make it too good.

He's quite bad at these impressions, guys. He's really bad. I love you, Blanket. You've brought so much joy into my life and you've really changed my outlook and made me into a more joyous and happy person and everyone

has noticed a complete turnaround in my demeanour. Now that is some bad shit. I just thought maybe he would just Facebook message her, like, get a load of this dumb cunt on stage. Yeah, it's hard to do just showing a screenshot of someone's Twitter in an audio capacity. Get a message at midnight, hey, cunt, what are you doing?

Fuck you. Want a gig next week? Or just comedy. Yeah, Carl's got the baby monitor and he's rigged up Facebook Messenger into it. Anyway, what are you going to do with impressions of what I would say? Alright, so

Jackie Chan. Complete with the eyes. I think the person who nominated that needs to stand up. For people at home, Jackie Chan just walked into the room. Hello, it's me, Jackie Chan. Very good.

And everyone's laughing at his eyes. That's what's going on. Yeah, you can stop doing the eyes now, Tommy. That was for everyone at home. All right. So that's... How many have we done? What about this one? Arnie reciting dialogue

from the Tommy and Pammy video. Can you give me some lines? It's been a while since I've watched it. I've got it on my phone it I've got it on my phone Yeah, beep beep Do it, do it, fuck me on this boat Big beautiful breasts

And I've been fucked by My husband, Tommy Lee That certainly wasn't good, so good job. Does what it says on the tin. So that's four. We'll just do this one as the last one. This is the fifth one. This is from Mr Comedy.

Okay. And the impression is of Tommy Dasso saying the N-word over and over. Stand up, Tom. That was me. With the eyes, please. No, boy, I love comedy. Wow, what a beautiful dismount. Someone's phone's going off.

The comedy alarm's gone off. You guys are a wonderful crowd. Thank you very much for being wonderful. I haven't done a gig since the lockdown. This is great. But you had some feedback from a gig. From a gig. Can you read the little feedback that you got

that you read to us backstage? Your laughter is enough, everyone. You don't need to follow through the messages to any of us. You want me to read the things I told you in confidence backstage? everyone. You don't need to follow through the messages to any of us. Like, particularly... You want me to read the thing that I told you in confidence? Yes, please.

It's just this room. I mean, come on. What a professional. Just a bit of a flat spot. Pete's instincts just kicked in. He can't help himself. Fuck! He's a life raft. God, you're a fat fuck, Pete. Pete's like,

I've been doing this for 20 years. Someone hasn't said come for a while. Quick! I was backstage, but I don't speak fat man. I didn't know what you guys were talking about. You don't speak English. Alright, here we go.

That's exactly what it's like Harold Bishop's fucking everywhere Alright that's it I'll put my pants on No You coward I'm hungry Look Alright, that's it. I'll put my pants on. No! You coward! I'm hungry. Look, I did a gig.

Gigs are coming back. Please support live comedy. Hang on, hang on. Oh, fuck balls. Looks like Milan is worried about the news coming out of Sydney. He's giving everyone cough syrup. So kind of you. I'm holding a fucking vase. Can someone get some flowers for Mr. Hellier? Everybody just lick the rim and pass it down.

I can drop an anti-coal in it for you if you're worried. This is the first time I've ever seen Milan buy shots for someone in the audience that's male. You should have seen him. I had no idea That was a mistake Well pointed out Carl He's consistent You can't fault him You had his back Carl

Well done Milan getting a huge laugh With no dialogue The absolute new Mr Bean You should have seen him Before he was peering Around that pillar Like he was Elmer Fudd

in rabbit season just checking if we had drinks or not alright alright so what are we up to so Tom

are we doing this this is to comedy wait wait wait bitch to comedy

everyone to comedy oh I remember this I love Bailey's The comedy! The comedy! Oh, I remember this. I love Baileys. Oh, my God. Oh, I had a Malibu. Do you mind turning? Yeah, yeah.

Sorry. Okay, so I just did a gig, and comedy's coming back, and please go see comedy. But one guy came to comedy, me doing comedy specifically, and hated it. And I was talking to him a bit in the front row. He wasn't laughing at all.

It was fine. I bounced back. I'm fine. I bought some KFC on the way home. I saw him there. He was working. To the arts. This gentleman, let's call him Carl. You were crying.

I thought you were sweating. They mixed in together. But this gentleman, let's call him Carl, messaged me afterwards. Show him what his name is. It's Brad. Okay. I just have a very strong Let's go on, Carl. Message me afterwards. Show me what his name is. It's Brad. Okay. Brad.

I just have a very strong feeling he listens to this podcast. Alright. Brad messaged me to say Hey Tom, I want to say sorry about last night. I've had a text for every time. I've never been I've never been a fan of your comedy.

And probably never will be. Probably though so he's leaving the door open. There's a chance. I'm sure you're a nice guy off stage but up there

it's not for me. I usually try to hide on the sides or in the middle when you're on a bill, but with allocated seats, I didn't get a chance. He was in the front row. He normally hides from me. I hope my reactions didn't ruin your set too much,

but nice cover working it into reading your notes. So I looked at my notes and I said, oh, talk to Brad at the front, and everybody laughed. Right. And that's the end of the message. Right, right. So you guys are much better than fucking Brad. You're better than Brad.

And look, I appreciate Brad's honesty. I think that's cool because you've got one of those messages. That's the only message Capra ever gets. So, yeah. Yeah, usually my audience hides outside of the venue. But your audience hides in other people's shows. Like, where did they go? It's almost like they're going about their lives.

Completely. They hide that good, they don't even buy tickets. They're just like, ah, I'll play a little trick on camera. I like how he said he tries to hide in the sides or in the middle. The middle's not hiding. It's like, hello, here I am. What are the other options, really? The back.

The back. The back, if you're not enjoying someone, you just go right up the back. I love you, Brad. I'm looking through his Facebook profile, which I definitely did. He looks like he probably

listens to this podcast. And I love you, Brad. And I appreciate your honesty. And I recognise you. Right. What do you mean by it looks like you listen to this podcast?

Do you feel like craft beer, smoking meats kind of vibe? We're real Pete Hellyer time. Back off! This fucking show, it turns us all into monsters. Oh, it's evil philosophy, and now... Fuck it!

I blame Kappa. Before he got on this show, we were all really nice. This is like Andrew Denton enough rope before Kappa did it. I just love going after the dudes with the best careers. Walk into my world, prick. So what? You own a house, yeah?

Well, this is where it really starts off. I'm in a hole again. I'm really... Does anyone want a bun of menthol? Can people start throwing the gifts back to Kappa, please? Maybe there's a reason you guys are famous. Hey, come on. Come on.

Come on, man. No, because you're good. Hey, come on. Hey, come on now. No need for that. No need for that. No need for that. Security. Come on.

Milan, where the fuck were you? I did ask. I did ask them to do that. But maybe gently place them on the trestle table on the way out. If my gravestone says death by your court, I'm going to... I'd say kill myself, but I don't know. Security, someone's been shot and it wasn't from Milan. If someone could throw the

medicated wipes up, that'd be good because I'm sweating up here. Don't forget to take your empties back to the bathhouse. Put some flowers in there. Don't forget to get your empties collected by Milan, everybody. Does anyone want a beer? Hey, I'm going to do... I've got one... Should we wrap this up

in a sec? What do you think? What have you got? Maybe I had one more thing. Did you have have you got? Maybe I had one more thing. Did you have one more thing? I've got one more thing. Okay. You know what? It's like he never left you guys.

Let's do my thing. Slick as ever. Let's do my thing first. Tommy's got a great, a very hot Google Meets take that he's, you've got another cardboard box. He's doing all the,

sorry, I'm in a hulk. How do you get out of this Kappa how do you how do you I've never been here before and I now we're getting out dig up stupid

this is like my love what was in that fucking drink that was that was that was liquid Kappa I've just realised what this show is this show is like rock and roll fantasy camp that fucking drink. That was liquid kappa, Pete. I've just realised what this show is. This show is like rock and roll fantasy camp, but it's

dumb fuck open mic camp. Where the famous guys get to come in and see what it's really like in the fucking slums. In the muck. What would it be like to bong? Just a shit. By the way, behind the scenes, just a shit shit right so for a long time

by the way by the way behind the scenes I did that Google meets bad gag as a plan to bring us

that fucking joyous moment it doesn't actually fucking count thank you very much guys thank you very much

he is good and that's what Cabba's doing with the career but wait wait till he fucking hits it. When he comes out. Yeah, the long con. It's going to be glorious.

A 12-year gambit. 15 minutes of set-up and then maybe, yeah. Don't go too hard, Helly. He could be looking for another supporter. Holy shit. Did you hear that Peter Hellyer lost Nick Capper as his support act? He fucking walked, man. Don't go near Hellyer, he's toxic.

Capper walked from the tour. Excuse me, officer, I've been threatened. It was quite good. Could you get him to do it again? It would be the worst practical joke ever. If Pete actually got me to do it and then I walked in, I was like, you know what, I'm not feeling it buddy. They look like not my crowd.

There's more than 12 of them so not my crowd. Oh, a full crowd, don't know if I can do it. Not hiding. Hey, so we're coming into lockdown. We haven't done merch for a while But for long time listeners Of this show

Remember way way way way way way Way back Where I had a book out Called Funny Buggers Does anyone remember that? Oh not too many Some of you Right so I thought

I found it very homophobic Right Thank you Someone finally got it Yeah A lot of reviewers glossed over that It was weird It was just the documentation of you fucking all the gay comics in Melbourne

If you were in one ballad it would just be called Buggers No Because you're not funny I get it You're not funny I get it Have a fucking quick easy, pal. I hate Santa.

Okay, I was on your side, and now I broke the... It's fine. It's all funny, mate. So anyway, so... Funny bugger. So, this is like nine years ago, nearly ten years ago now. So I contacted the publishers, and I was like, do you still have any ago now. So I contacted the publishers and I was like, do you still have any of these?

And they were like, because I was thinking, as the author, it's like a compilation of jokes and everything. As the author. They said, we have heaps. Well, no, they said, I said, you know, it's been so long, I should get a pretty good discount. You know, you're basically giving them away. And they were like, nah, not really.

And I'm like, really? And they go, yeah, we've only got about 30 left. And I was like, oh, really? So I can't get any really? And they go, yeah, we've only got about 30 left. And I was like, oh, really? So I can't get any discount. And they go, why would we discount when there's 30 left? I'm like, okay, well, I'll buy the 30. We're going to have some very wobbly tables around here if we give them to you. We'll use them to test the pulper.

People of the toilet will have nothing to read. Oh, no, we'll have to buy doorstops. So I go, I get the 30, then I buy them, I get the invoice. I used to love a shitty old book that we all appear in. I was so grateful for the gig at the time, I loved it. So I get the invoice. I'm not in it. I get the invoice and it goes, and it comes from a different person.

It's like, great, thank you for purchasing this. There's only 3,000 copies left. They absolutely gamed me. Wow. So I thought, you know what, I'll get these copies. I'll be able to sell them as merch at the gigs, whatever. But because they're nine years old, maybe they're a little bit dated. So I thought

I would like... I thought I would update them. Like you said, you're not even in here. Well, I've inserted one of your great jokes in here. Okay. Even if you want to read one of your famous go-to jokes right here, it's now part of the book. Oh, it's only one

small bit of a page. Yeah. My jokes have a bit of run-up. It's now part of the book. Oh, it's only one small bit of a page. My jokes have a bit of run-up. It's because of respect. Okay. Just to let you know who's in the book, Tom Gleeson, Laurence Booney, Greg Fleet and Hannah Gadsby. Together at last. And Nick Capper

now. Capper and Hannah Gadsby have been looking for something to work on for a while. All these five points make the pentagram of diversity. Now here's his opening line from his new show Dumb Cunt Internet.

Pentagram's five, right? Anyway. Can we do this like you're supporting me? I'll give an intro. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Peter Hellyer's whatever the fuck the show's called. If all Pete gets on stage, please welcome his support act. His credits include... Bubba Peter.

Bubba Peter. Please welcome Nick Carper. Nick Carper. Hey guys, just thought I'd tell you guys some jokes before they roll fatty on soon. We're here for Elliot, not Bellas! The vacuums come out from behind the tree. He's got the rashy on and he's in the pool. Oh, I'm so sorry. He's bringing his mum

to the year 10 formal. Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry. Man, I love you so much. You're on stage mate get rid of your

traditional opening sorry yes what if I did actually do that sorry just like a huge that's like a call

forward for what's to come coming out and saying sorry may be the best fucking opening one more gang you could ever do I think that's fucking hilarious.

Just saying, look guys, sorry. It sounds like you're ripping Luke McGregor's beard. Oh, sorry. Here we go. What's the deal with soap? I mean, it's just some weird rock in the bathroom that is never touched.

Has anyone ever worked out what it's for? Why does my girlfriend keep buying it because there's actually no use for it? It's just a dumb smelling stone that sits there. Soap, more like nub.

Nice. So you can get a copy of that. You buy bunny burgers, you can get a copy of that material right now. Of course, there's more than just one insert. Can't remember doing that one. It's weird that you mispronounced the word smelling, but anyway.

Maybe, oh look, this guy's not here actually, so maybe Tommy can do this person. Maybe Tommy. You bet I'll do this person. Oh, wow. So you're updating it with some new comics? Yeah, some new people that have had material the last nine years that haven't been documented.

Alright, here we go. In the voice. Yeah, yeah. Who do you think you're talking to? I opened it back and snakes alive and they all had coronavirus! But they were fine because it's a scandemic.

To Adam Hills, everybody. To Adam Hills. Do your own research. Never forget that. Do your own research. That was Mick Jagger for first. Again, the bad impressions. Give it up.

He's fucking done it. I believe the next one is actually yours. Yeah, the next page. Do the voice. Man, I thought the Zoom call was doing something to your voice before. But yeah, it stopped and you still sound like a woman. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's true. Imagine like a woman. And there's nothing wrong with that. Imagine being a woman.

You'd get to watch this. Here we go. Not really. Yuck is a very good review. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't argue with that. Strange world at the moment, what with COVID-19 running rampant around the globe,

suddenly we're not as close of a community as we were before. With the virus being so infectious, we as people suddenly have to keep a little more geographically distant. This is a big change in behaviour for much of our population. They're so used to mixing frequently to edit their habits that it's a big culture shock for them. To people at home, I haven't actually started reading out of the book yet. So many people have been adversely

affected by having to radically change how they usually act in public. God, even the set-up's killing. This is great. And in private. Their whole personality has had to shift. Fortunately, though,

you could say that this hasn't affected me personally. Go easy, Tommy. I think you're going to take my job. In fact... Are you open for me? Yeah, yeah. In fact, this new way of living for most people,

well, what can I say? It feels extremely familiar to me. You see, folks, I, Tommy Dasolo, one half of the Little Dum Dum Club, have been social distancing for years. We are the champions I think we close on that one

oh okay that'll do I reckon the editor lost faith in the rest of his work let me guess what mine is I like dicks alright should we wrap it up dude he's

Tech's playing us off the Tech wants to go home I mean he's not wrong? Dude, he's playing. Tech's playing us off. The tech wants to go home. I mean, he's not wrong. To be honest, he's not wrong. Alright, guys, let's wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Give a big round of applause. Pete Hellier.

Tom Ballard. Eric Rasmussen. Papa. Thank you guys so much for coming out. We'll see you next time. See you, mates! See you! You called for everybody! And they've done it again.

Oh, boy. Bernie kicked a big one and hit the low rooftop. Heaps of fun. Wow, what a comeback. For the first time in nine months. First Melbourne show in something like, I think it was something like 14, 15 months or something. Crazy. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely crazy. Heaps of fun. I think it was actually a few weeks ago now. Smaller capacity than normal, but hopefully you hear it on the recording. It goes off. One funny little thing that did happen because, you know, we were pretty excited about doing it. We sort of did a thing where we just put it out on social media like a couple of days out.

Yeah. There you go. Let's see who's super keen. Yep. And it sold out in what, like about an hour or an hour and a half or something like that? Yeah, very quickly. It would have sold out a little bit quicker. what, like about an hour or an hour and a half or something like that. Yeah, very quickly.

It would have sold out a little bit quicker. But there was a little point, Tommy, when people were like, oh, fuck, we can't. It's sold out. And you're checking the things and you're going, it's not sold out. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell you why that happened. Okay.

Because I was down the street and I went to check it. And you've got all the check-ins and whatever for it. Yeah. And so I was like, oh, I know how I can check it myself. I go to the booking site. And it tells you how many are left. It doesn't tell you, but what you can do is put all those tickets. You keep adding tickets to your basket until it goes,

no, you can't add any more tickets to your basket. So I had like 40 tickets in my basket. And I was like, oh, there you go. There's a limit. It's only letting me put 40 in there. And then I just sort of forgot about it. And then. And it thinks, hey, we've got to hold them.

We've got to hold them for this bloke who wants to buy 40 tickets to the little dumb num club. And then everyone online is like, how the fuck is it sold out already? Then you're like, it's not fucking sold out. What's going on? And me going, yeah, I don't know what is happening. And then I've realized and then gone, hang on, where did I do that? Did I do that on my laptop that did i do that on my

laptop or did i do it on my phone through instagram or through facebook or where and i literally had to go trawl around all the different apps and go right where did i hide these fucking tickets right it was just 40 tickets hidden somewhere i was like i don't know how the fuck and also have i bought these tickets have i just paid hundreds or thousands of dollars to buy tickets to go and see myself? I mean, it's pretty cramped up on that stage, so you want some leg room out in the crowd. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that is... I mean, we shit on Ticketmaster and Ticketek a lot, but the one thing you can't fault them on, you put the tickets in the basket and then that little fucking countdown comes up at the top of the screen to stop bullshit like this. Hey, cunt, it's been 90 seconds. I don't know what you're doing on the internet instead of clicking purchase and putting your credit card in.

But guess what? You're out. You're right. You're at the back of the queue. That is worth the $15 they add to each ticket on Ticketmaster. You're right. Instead of the 50 cents on the try booking. So they finally proved their worth.

Yeah. I mean, next time, just ask me how many have been sold. Probably. Probably. I'd like to say I've learned my lesson, but I can't see that happening. I'm sure the same thing will happen again. Yeah, this is a great recording. Shout out to our tech on the day, Andrew Dudson, friend of the show, listener of the show,

past guest of the show, and now tech of the show. Is this like our version of the EGOT? Yes. He's done them all. He might be the only person in history to cross all of those lines. He's made us little bits and pieces, little music bits. Fan art contributor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He made the dolls of us all those years ago. To be honest, this will be the test to see if he actually responds to us talking about him right now because I think he's gone off listening a little bit.

Okay. I think in lockdown he just got busy with his family and you know, sometimes people are going back and forth to work and they listen

via that way. Yep, heard that a lot. But I don't think he was doing that as much. So Doody, if you're out there, if you heard this bit. Make us a, make us a fucked piece of uh content yeah message it to us yes that's usually the way he

would communicate with us for a long time it was like hey you talked about how funny it'd be if one of you was bumming bill murray in groundhog day yeah so i've just gotten onto um a 3d uh cgi program and just mocked that up. He'll do that like about 13 weeks after we've talked about it on the episode. So then it's like, here's this thing. It's like, what the fuck's this? Yeah, yeah. And he's got a young family.

So it's being sent at like 2 a.m. when everyone's asleep. Yeah, yeah. Very deranged stuff. But yeah, shout out to him. Great work on the ones and twos. Yes. And great to be back in front of a big audience and thank you to everyone who came

along to the show. A lot of diehards, a lot of familiar faces, a lot of people very keen to see the first gig back and what a riotous room. And, you know, shout out to Pete Hellyer for coming down, to Tom Ballard for coming down and, you know,

sort of a shout out to Nick Capra as if he had anything better to do. But, yeah, look, great, great cruise. I mean, I think he did. I think he delayed his driving to Queensland, which has somewhat backfired on him now. Man, he did a lot of drinking and then we had a couple of hours in between. It was that and then the Basin Comedy Gig that I hold in the same room straight afterwards. Well, it wasn't straight afterwards.

It was a couple of hours afterwards. Yeah. So by the time he did that gig, I was like, fuck, he was a bit, he was pretty pissed. He was on one. And then he went and did another gig. I was like, fuck.

And then they were driving to, I think they drove for about four hours to go to New South Wales, him and his girlfriend. I admire sticking to that plan in spite of everything that happened in between and not just going, crash now and get an early start.

It's like, nope, we said this is what we're going to do. Let's try. Like, imagine, yeah, waking up hungover and you're in a different state all of a sudden. Yeah. Just like, whew. Yeah. So heaps of fun to be there.

Thanks to everyone who got tickets. Of course, we have officially still the Perth show on sale for January 24th, Sunday, January 24th. Of course, everyone realizes, I guess at least in Melbourne, that that's going to be a tough one to do at the moment because at time of recording, we can't leave the state. We can't go to Western Australia, certainly. But as we've probably mentioned on the show,

people sort of know, people in Brisbane, people in Perth don't quite notice these things. Yeah, it is worth reiterating because I don't think that anyone in WA has any idea that anything is going on in the rest of the country or the world. No. So much so that the guy who's organising this gig for us emailed me a couple of days ago and was like,

yes, so I thought we should talk about the gig. Obviously, you know, the elephant in the room. Of course, that is that we're going to have a cover band playing outside the gig. So just let us know what time they need to play a little bit softer when you're recording. Yeah. And I was like, good news for the cover band.

They can play as loud as they want at the moment well you should have gone the other way like we're gonna need them to be really really quiet right and we're gonna we're gonna be making some requests of what we want them to play while the podcast is on just to fuck this band's night up no what i should say you know what i'm out bidding them instead of your venue i'll pay them twice as much to come and play a gig in victoria yes and then when they find out that they can't get back, I go, aha, this is my convoluted way of saying we can't come to the gig.

Yes, exactly. Yeah, that'll show him. But yeah, that will be happening someday in the future. Look. Not to brag, but yeah, one of these days we'll be over there. Look, the aim would be to hopefully do it as soon as we can. So look, if some miracle happens and we can get over there on the date, amazing. If we have to move it maybe a couple of weeks forward or months or whatever it is, but please,

we will be letting you know via, I guess, the ticketing source when it's locked in and as locked in as you can do anything. Yeah. It is nearly sold out. So like we said last week, if you are keen to get one of those tickets, I know it's a silly thing to buy something when you don't know the date, maybe. But by the time we put it on sale, maybe it'll be sold out and you won't have a chance. Hey, people try for a kid and they don't know the exact date that the kid's going to arrive.

They just have a vague window. Oh, yeah. You know, what if they have a ticket to the movies that day? Yeah, yeah. Really inconvenient. So, take a punt on this. Maybe in nine months we'll be over there. Is that why sometimes in hospital rooms there's an empty seat next to the mother?

Yeah. Couldn't get out of work. Couldn't. Yeah, sorry. Doubled up. Didn't check the dates that it was due. I've taken all my leave already. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it is worth pointing out that we, in Melbourne, we appear, fingers crossed, to have taken care of the little mini-outbreak that sparked this border closure for us. So we are on the right track to being able to get a new date for this show sooner rather than later. But yeah, keep an eye on all the ticketing stuff and the socials and all that. Yeah, and also shout out to everyone who has tickets

that hasn't really complained or maybe noticed. But yeah, no one's had a sook or and all that. Yeah, and also, shout out to everyone who has tickets that hasn't really complained or maybe noticed. But, yeah, no one's had a sook or anything like that, which is very nice of you. We understand the situation we're all in, hopefully so. But we are... If you're an Andrew Doodson type,

if you're not listening to this hot off the presses, you're a few weeks behind in episodes and you're listening to this on January 25th after fucking wasting your afternoon going down to the Rosemount Hotel and being told no they

they had to postpone they couldn't make it into the state shout out to you sorry we wasted your afternoon sorry if the cover band in the beer garden

was a bit loud but I said that was okay exactly but you know hit the beach get a beer quit fucking sucking you've got it if this is the worst thing that's happened to you in, hit the beach. Get a beer. Quit fucking sucking.

You've got it. If this is the worst thing that's happened to you in WA in the last almost year, then consider yourself lucky. I'm so fucking busting to get over there. It's a fucking dream. You know, you've had a few little interstate trips. You've done Perth. Very quick trip to Perth.

You did Sydney. Quick trip to Perth. Yeah, I did a weekend in Sydney. Yeah. I haven't done anything. So that was my anything so that was my whole that was that was my little mini Thailand trip that was my I was just like fuck I just cannot wait for this thing and then it was fucking gone so I'm heartbroken I'm still I'm heartbroken too I'm heartbroken for you and I'm also I mean that trip I took I mentioned this last week but

I was just doing a lot of uh family stuff with my partner's family and the the that rosemount trip was going to be when the fucking when the brakes really came off oh god i was like i was hiding beers in the sand for myself in three weeks time to come back and dine on you know yeah hiding pornos up the bush for myself yeah great great oh i cancelled i cancelled my hotel yet the other day oh yeah i felt terrible just i just just looked at the looked at the pictures again it's like fuck this is this is this is looking good poor old mr mosquito poor old mr mosquito poor cunt um so yeah look i'm i'm doing everything i can i'm you know i've been ringing the hospitals every day, making sure that everyone's making precautions. I'm doing all my bits to keep the numbers down in Melbourne,

just selfishly so I could go over and get a cheeseburger at the Rosemount Hotel. I was really looking forward to the Errol P. Mosquito Scavenger Hunt, where that was the name you were going to use to check in and we had a little challenge for people who could find you. Yeah. I'd love it, you know, not that you should pay the money to book a hotel room, but I'd love it if there was a way of that somehow still happening on that weekend.

Maybe you could make like a restaurant reservation. That's even more deranged. People having to call up a restaurant and go, excuse me, I'm wondering if my husband is there dining. The booking would be under the name Errol P Mosquito. That's actually almost better because that's a better thing than the hotel actually because the prize is dinner for two with me at a venue somewhere and you can come along and I'm shouting and I'm just going to sit there and eat dinner

and if someone rocks up and gets seated and they've found me, thanks to the booking for Errol P. Mosquito. Okay, so you do it here in Melbourne? No, not even this area. Or just eventually when you get over there? Yeah, when I get over there. You could just do this every weekend. Honestly, this is like a great game show.

Right. Every episode, this guy. Every week you put out the new name. It's not always Errol P. Mosquito. There's never going to be a better name than that. But I think the person changes. So this is the thing. It's always a famous person.

It's always a famous person. It's a different famous person every week having dinner. And they're always under the alias, Errol P. Mosquito. And the contestants get clues. And it's whoever can get there first. And then boom, you're having dinner with Jon Hamm or whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be pretty great. Yep is good it's like it's just a really really small

scale version of the amazing race yeah it's just a very centralized it is a good it is a good idea it would be cool yeah it would be fun maybe if maybe if it's you stretch it out it's like they go to one location it's true scavenger hunt style so they go to one location. It's true scavenger hunt style. So they go to one location and then there's a clue about where the next clue is. I do, to be honest, like it works better as a TV show in that format and it sort of makes a little bit more sense. But I do love the idea of me being poolside at my hotel and having someone coming over with a towel over their forearm and going, message for Mr. Mosquito.

Message for Mr. Mosquito. Uh-huh. Yeah. So they've found me. I mean, the restaurant thing is, it's funnier in the sense that you're at a restaurant and then knowing that people that are trying to find you that want to have the dinner with you,

you give them the time frame. Yep. Knowing that there's going to be people all over the city just going up to fucking random ass restaurants and embarrassing themselves with the waiter by going, I'm here to meet my friend. It's a booking under the name Errol P. Mosquito. Yeah. And just the major D at Rockpool going, there's no one here with that name.

Or at the very least, people walking through restaurants going, Mosquito. Yeah. Errol P. Mosquito. Yeah, yeah. It's one of those, it's the depressing prank thing where it's like, you don't get to see. But just the knowledge that you're having that meal,

and at that exact moment, dozens of people are just fucking embarrassing themselves all over the city. It's pretty great to think about. Yeah, yeah. No, I do like it. Let's save it for Perth. I think it's a very Perth thing to do. Perth's the test run.

Perth's the pilot. And then if that goes well... We can test it off Broadway. Yeah, then we pitch this to networks. Right, right. Hey, it worked in Perth. It worked in Perth. Yeah.

What, in Perth TV? No, no, no, just in Perth. Just IRL. It worked in Perth. Yeah. Yep. It wasn't Perth TV. No, no, no. Just in Perth. Just IRL. Perth Street. It was kind of funny. You know, we got people listening that have some clout. Yep. We got those chaser boys.

You know, it's very chaser-esque. It's a bit of a prank, you know. It's a very low stakes prank. It could be a Gruen spinoff. Yeah. It's like, how does this count as a prank? Who did you prank especially? The viewing public. Not really anyone. We just said a name. Yeah. It's like, how does this count as a prank? Who did you prank especially? The viewing public.

Not really anyone. We just said a name. Yeah. That was sort of it. Yeah. Yeah. As if that's a name. Oh, yeah, I guess.

No, you're not. Chas, you're looking at this all wrong. Okay, you're coming at this from the wrong angle. Right. Yeah, or we could have, yeah, Gruen presents Dinner with Mosquito. Right. Yeah. Well, look, just another reason to look forward to going to Perth.

Exactly. Getting this thing off the ground. Great stuff. So put us in your prayers. We want to travel. We want to come and do a show in your backyard. Not really, but just where you live. Not your specific backyard.

Yes. Unless you live in the beer garden at the Rosemount, and then the inside venue counts as your backyard. Yeah, I never thought about that. To a dog, the house is their backyard. Yeah. Very good. All right.

So, should we crack on and get into the Patreon raid? Yes. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. You can subscribe and support the show, and for doing so, you get two bonus mini episodes a week. Always good stuff on there. And more importantly, you get your name read out in this illustrious part of the program. Immortalized forever.

The Dun Dun Hall Walk of Fame. Yeah. Yeah. And heaps to listen to. Really appreciate it if you guys sign up. I've seen a bunch of new people sign up lately. Join the ranks. If you've ever wondered about it, wonder no more.

Dip your toe in. Dip everything in. Let's do that right now. Let's open up the unplanned title alternative, the UTA. Dip into this technology. Hit the big red button. See what comes out. First cab off the rank this week.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Giorgio Stammer. Wow. Or Stammer. Giorgio. Well, if it's Stammer, you kind of Stammered as you were saying it. I know. It's G-I-O-R-G-I-O.

So, yeah. That's Giorgio. That's Giorgio. That's Giorgio. Yeah. Giorgio Stammer. Yeah. Giorgio. Today.

Giorgio. Yep. And this is, I recognize the name. This is, I'm pretty damn sure, this is the son of a TV star. Really? Yes. This is the son of one of the ladies off of Gogglebox. Oh, right, right, right.

Giorgio got his mum into the show. And then she wore one of our... And she wore the Aware shirt on the show. Yep. Yeah. In the middle of last year. Yeah, something like that. I believe.

Yeah, very exciting stuff. Yeah, that was cool. People were hitting us up and going, what the fuck, how is she wearing this shirt? As if it's the most baffling thing you can possibly think of. Imagine someone owning a shirt. Yeah, I mean, look, she went one beyond Daniel Sloss on Conan and, you know a

lot of a lot of stuff like that so um very exciting stuff because a lot of people watch goggle box as well but yeah you know i i also find it funny like the idea of like oh man you know someone wearing a shirt it's like who's ever seen a t-shirt then gone yeah that's how i got into a podcast i was just about to say that i wonder if we'll ever have the day where we find out that that's how someone got into it. You would have to think, I'm not saying dozens of people, at least one person is looking at it going, what the fuck is, like I've done that with things, but it's like, what the fuck does that mean? And then you Google it and you're like, oh, okay.

Yeah, that's for a podcast. Okay. Tom Ballard wore one of our shirts to the gala once yep something like that yep i wonder if anyone got it got into the show off that that's a good question yeah yeah because that's i mean the way you framed at the gala you know it's right there yeah it's got the logo it's kind of but i guess that could just look i i can understand someone assuming that that's just like a brand or just a logo. Sure.

But then if you like it, I feel like, man, I want that shirt. Yeah, or... I'm going to Google it. Let's see what it is. Yes, yes. I like that shirt. Let's look it up. Is it a shirt?

Oh, it's actually a podcast. Okay. Do I listen or not? No, I was just interested in the logo. I didn't particularly like Tom Ballard's comedy. So I don't want anything associated with that content. Yeah, but i just you know you know what after all i think i just liked it because it was a burger yeah i might just get uber eats oh that's right that's it it's 1 p.m and i haven't had lunch yet yeah yeah um i've told this on the pod before but famously uh

that uh that performance i then saw tom a couple of months in Sydney and I was like, what'd you do today? And he's like, I spent the day with a stylist. My manager made me go around with a stylist buying clothes so that I have better clothes to wear on TV. She was like, we need to improve what you're wearing when you go on TV shows. And I was like, oh, that's a bit rough. I think you dress fine. And then I was doing an inventory of like, what have I seen Tom wear on TV? And literally that was the last thing that, that's a bit rough. I think you dress fine. And then I was doing an inventory of like, what have I seen Tom wear on TV? And literally that was the last thing. Clearly the final straw for his management.

This cunt is just embarrassing himself up there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But for all you great unwashed out there that don't have stylists, hey, try one of our shirts. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. That. Yeah. Yeah.

That's great. Someone hiring a stylist and then them just decking them head to toe in podcast merchandise. Here's some Comptown shirts. Here's a few. Here's a hat from fucking my dad wrote a porno. Yeah. Here's. Here's.

Come on, man. All you need is a pot and an item of clothing. You've got this. You can do it. Come on, man. All you need is a pod and an item of clothing. You've got this. You can do it. Come on. I'm trying to think of a pod to disrespect and then a very disrespectful item of clothing. Okay, so yeah, jockstrap.

Here's a flat-stick jockstrap. Nappy. Yeah, there we go. That's something. Boom shakalaka. There we go. We's something. Boom shakalaka. There we go. We got there. Behind the curtain.

Yep. That felt great. Well, thanks, Giorgio. Thank you for... Hey, be like Giorgio. Spread the podcast. Tell your mum to listen to this. Yeah.

Get your mum. If your mum's on TV, yes. Yeah. If your mum's not on TV, maybe not. We don't want any pleb mums listening to this. Yeah, we don't. I don't really want any just, like I said, great unwashed mums. No.

I don't want any civilian mums. No, celeb mums. Celeb mums only. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If your mum... Who would be the greatest celeb mum that we could get endorsed by? You mean that's a mum that's famous or the mum of someone who's famous uh a mum who is famous has to be australian um nicole kidman oh that'd

be great couldn't imagine it in a million years though. Nicole Kidman just rocking a wear trucker hat. Fuck. That would be hilarious. She was on Marc Maron this week. Really? Yeah. It'd be funny because you just... I just saw an ad for it before.

It was like, oh yeah, and this is what they talk about. And it's like, yeah, I don't need to have a good scan through this thing to see that she's not talking about Tom Cruise, but that'd be great. Imagine that. Oh, yeah, I quite liked being on that podcast, but maybe I'll do an Australian one. Oh, here she is on Little Dungeon Club. Welcome into the Little Dungeon Club, Nicole Kidman.

How's that fucking cruisey? How's your mate going? Yeah, how's your best mate? How's old Couchy? Yeah. Couchy. How do you go sucking off a bloke who thinks Martians run the world? What were you thinking?

I mean. When he was rooting you, did he ever go, oh, Xenu. Yeah. Oh, Xenu. Yeah. Yeah. The thought has crossed my mind a lot. And I've said this in the past on the show.

But like the idea that there's just someone incredibly famous that listens to this and they're never going to communicate with us because they know then we'll be hounding them to be on right but the idea that like a yeah a nicole kidman or a tom quirk like because you know it's just out there yeah it's anyone can find it yeah the idea that someone incredibly famous has stumbled across this yeah and loves it yeah and we have no idea and we will never have any idea yeah they can't they're not going to follow the socials they're not going to they don't want to alert us because they do not want to be on it yeah if that's someone not in comedy someone not not a comedian i mean like a faint like a big time hollywood actor who would be who would like let's be semi-realistic let's just let's say australian

who would be your pick for extraordinary out out of left field, surprising listener of this show? Greg Norman? Greg Norman? Yeah, I mean, you know. That'd be good. Yep. I met Greg Norman back in the day.

Oh, did you? Yeah. He came around the hospital ward. He was one of those people that comes around and it's like this is sort of more one for the dads than was he was he walking around the wards trying to smash all the vaccines there's no one like there's no kid that's like hooked up to the drip who's like oh sick a golf is here uh well i think if you're a little kid and you just you know greg norman's like tiger woods you go you know back in the day you're like oh cool that blonde guy with the big hat and that's something you know if you've got a bit of an image.

Like, I was a kid and I would have been like, when I was a kid, I would have been like, oh, wow, Greg Norman. Yeah. Well, I can tell you in my personal experience, which is all I can really talk to, absolutely not the way it went. Literally just like 10-year-olds in a room. And I think I was probably the oldest in there at the time. I just remember, like, yeah, eight-year-old children being bewildered and going like,

who, who the, oh, cool, yeah, get a photo, I guess. Right. And then, yeah, the dads in the room just creaming their jeans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just loving it. Great. So, I don't know. I mean, that would be, you can understand the mentality of a celeb that's like, yeah,

look, you know, the kids are just in the bed. What are they doing anyway? I'm going to get more out of the parents. Let's be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, look, you know, the kids are just in the bed. What are they doing anyway? I'm going to get more out of the parents. Let's be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, you know. Greg Norman a chance of listening. Greg Norman, bit of a dickhead, but it's a funny name.

Yeah. Funny name to have associated. Because also, if my version of events is the case, and there's no chance of ever having them on. So, you want it to be someone who it's like, that's funny and cool. We don't need to have you on though. Right know what i mean yeah like you don't want to go like i'm tempted to go baby john burgess would be funny but then i'd i'd want him on yeah yeah someone yeah well that's the thing you don't want someone funny you want someone like you know what

we had with that the actress from the yes exactly what's her what was her name again i feel bad forgetting her name but she never knew. Peter Wilson. Yes. So look, hey, if you're out there, if you're someone mega famous, and I promise you, this is an amnesty. Yeah. You can hit us up. I promise you, we are not going to badger you to be on it. Even if it's someone that we both love,

even if you're in the world of comedy, and you're someone that we would want on, I'm promising you, we will just leave you be. And we'll never mention it on the show. If you're Elise Platt that used to host a gift shop on Sale of the Century in the 80s and maybe early 90s, no, probably 80s, give us some sort of a coded transmission.

Let us know. Don't need to use your official Gmail, but just give us some sort of hint and we'll leave you alone but it just it just feel nice to be um associated with some some real a grade it's you know it's kind of nice to know who's listening you know i think it would you know maybe on a day where we're feeling a bit off or a bit like can't be fucked with the show it would always just make you feel like no no gotta fucking try yeah gotta really fucking bring the a game because

remember who's listening yeah yeah or you know it's it's it's hard it's hard to be inspired in that way when you know we've just come off the back of this live show we looked into the audience went god yeah look at him yeah yeah why get up in the morning yeah for these people whereas if we knew robert kelly was listening it'd be a different story if we knew you know maybe three quarters of Wawane

were downloading us every week it's like fuck yeah alright it's okay there's a reason to keep going thanks Giorgio

thanks Giorgio thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Lucas Valentine fuck yes nice name very nice name yeah I mean look very much to Patreon subscriber Lucas Valentine. Fuck yes. Nice name. Very nice name. Yeah.

I mean, look, anything next to Valentine is going to be a good name, but I feel like Lucas is not a bad little fit. It definitely, there's been huge consideration with naming him that it's not just a name that we like. Yeah. We've got a responsibility with this surname that we've got to bring the heat and they've done it. I mean, I was about to say, it sounds like a p pimp but i again i just think any man with the last name

valentine is going to sound i would say sounds like a stripper yeah especially you know what lucas is probably edging away from that a little bit because if you called yourself luke valentine now that's a stripper yes yeah yes that's a that's a stone cold stripper lucas is yeah. Lucas is sort of trying to class it up a bit. But that's why I kind of think pimp because it's a bit like, yeah, it's a sort of an air of flamboyance to it. So in my head, I'm conjuring up fluffy coat, you know, cane, ring on every finger. Luke Valentine is straight up, to me, a fucking made up name. So to have a natural made up name. name, if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're sitting there and... If I was trying to name a character in a book, in a cartoon, in a comic book, something like that, an unrealistic, larger-than-life character, Luke Valentine, I'd be like, fuck yeah, I've come up with it. That's great. So you're sitting, you're being grilled by whoever, and you want to keep your identity a secret for whatever reason. They're like, we're going to need your name. And you're like, Luke, and then you're trying to by whoever and you want to keep your identity a secret for whatever reason they're like we're gonna need your name and you're like uh luke uh and then you're trying to think

of a surname and you realize the date is february 13th uh valentine yeah luke valentine yeah i and i name it because i name it it's one of those things where I know it because I see the date on the wall as February 14. Yep. That's like a Valentine. And then I think, I just looked at that. Yes. Luke Valentine. Yes.

Boom, there it is. There it is. There's my name. Yep, yep. Talking about Errol P. Mosquito, I mean, that's just a funny name to check in. But Luke Valentine is the sort of name that I do want to check into a hotel under now. Why? Because it's a cool name.

It is cool. So you just want the concierge to think you're a cool guy. Yeah, right. I want to, you know, I want to be that guy that like finished his school and was like, I know I got picked on by everyone, including the fucking cleaners. Yeah. But now that I'm going to go to uni, everyone's going to forget I was a fucking dork and I pissed my pants six days out of seven. Yes.

Hi, everyone. My first date. Tafe, my name is Luke Valentine. And I'm like, whoa. Luke, are you pissing yourself? No. That was last year. They're like, you are, but you know what?

We don't even care because that's such a cool name. We're going to turn a blind eye to it. Now pissing your pants is cool. because that's such a cool name. We're going to turn a blind eye to it. Now pissing your pants is cool. Do you think, yeah, with a name like that, it's motivation to get a successful high-flying job where you can afford to be dining out in fancy restaurants a lot,

checking into a lot of hotels, just because you want to get that name out there as much as possible. Well, I have a life where I'm just in my house cooking, never going anywhere. No. I mean, so many times I've checked into a hotel and given my name like yeah why'd you leave the house dude yeah yeah uh but you know luke valentine you could check in and and look next to you and go what's that errol p mosquito what the fuck this is a

fucking is this hotel a laughing stock yeah i'm checking in at the fucking circus yes am i here at the wringling hotel oh where I here at the Ringling Hotel? Where's the Cool Guy Hotel? That's where I thought I was booking into. I drove past the circus the other day. The circus is rolling into town. Is it really? Doesn't that seem insane? If there's any bunch of people that don't believe in vaccines

and that there's a pandemic going on, I could believe that. Get in a hot tent. Just sit around in a fucking not ventilated area at all. Just seems fucking bizarre to me. Yeah. Unless it's like a socially distant circus where they're just like, socially distant circus. All right, fellas, we've only got six people in the clown car tonight.

There's a social distance here. Oh, yeah. That's really tickled me. That's pretty good stuff. That's some funny fella shit going on. That really is. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man.

Licky V, Valentine, Bach. It really gives you a fucking step up in life, I reckon. I might draw that as a cartoon. Just 15 people being stuffed into the clown car. No, no, no. Oh, wow. They're really rolling it back. Social distancing has gone wild.

No, no, no. To make it good, you want to have two people in the car. That's what you need. Yeah, just a normal... Yeah, just a normal amount of people in the car. All right. I'm pitching this to the New Yorker. Yeah, exactly.

I reckon it's a chance. It's not bad. It could get in. Absolutely. I'm going to do that up tonight. Get friend of the show Jason Chatfield to... Oh, no, you could draw. What an insult.

Sorry. Yeah, but he's got an in. He's got an in. He does have an in. That's true. He works with Scott Dooley, and Scott Dooley writes some stuff, and then he draws some stuff. He's got the fucking foot in the door.

Yeah, that's true. You're some fucking schmuck. You're some schmutter from across the world. It kind of feels like that's the only way it could get in, but then it would be such a bummer to have it be in and it not be my drawing. Yeah, but you got your name there. I just don't think you're going to... I'm hard in there, you know?

Yeah, but I just don't think it's going to happen, realistically. I have a feeling if I asked Shadow, he probably would go, you just do it. Okay, well, let's see. Okay, I'll ask him to do it. I'll ask him to do it. I'll ask him to do it and I'll leave it for him to go, honestly, you draw it and I'll pitch it. Yeah.

Okay. I'm more into, I want this in there. Yeah, yeah. So however we get it in there. Yeah, I'm happy to get it in there, but I'm saying I don't want to go directly to me not doing it, because that would kind of kill me a bit for it to not be fully my little drawing. Okay, alright. You know, it'll be the clowns in a fucking billy cart or some shit like that if Chadfield does that.

Yeah, okay, that's good. Socially distanced billy cart, there's two people on it. Okay, I guess that's a thing. Why are they clowns? One question. What's a billy cart? Yep, yep. Okay.

All right, all right. That's the homework for this week. I'm excited by this. Yeah, great, great. I'm going to hear you chat out tonight. Thanks, Lucas Valentine. Thanks, Lucas Valentine. Maybe you need to...

Do you need to credit Lucas Valentine? Oh, Christ. Put a little LV in the drawing somewhere. I'll hide an LV. I'll make the license plate of the clown car can be LV69. Yes. Yes. Fuck, imagine if I get in the New Yorker.

I'm buzzing thinking about this. That would be sick. You know what the dumbest thing is? He had an in with Mad Magazine. Totally. And he was like, man, just fucking tell me what to do and I'll draw it up. And I'm like, me being Mad Magazine is the fucking best thing ever. And he just fucking never did it.

And now it's gone under. Yeah. And also, he does Ginger Meg still. You have a standing, close to decade-long invitation. Yes. To guest write a Ginger Megs strip. And I've never fucking done it. And you've never done it.

I'm a fucking idiot. Yeah. I've got to make homework. You should try and change the canon of Ginger Megs strip. And I've never fucking done it. And you've never done it. I'm a fucking idiot. Yep. I've got to make homework. You should try and change the canon of Ginger Megs. Like, you know, just those guys that are on The Simpsons and write an episode where Lisa's a vegetarian. Yeah. And then now that's in the patchwork forever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you could, like, I don't know, make Ginger Megs gay or something like that. Yes. Absolutely. It's completely changed. Yeah, yeah. He kisses Tiger Kelly in panel two. Yep. Yep.

Yep. All of a sudden in panel three, he slingshotted his dick into Tiger Kelly's butthole. Yep. And Chatfield's looking at it going, what the fuck is this? And you're like, hey, it took me 10 years to get around to doing it. I want to make it worth my while.

Excuse me. If you want to check in episode 35 of A Little Dumb Dumb Club and you said I could do whatever the fuck I want. You are on the air. Yep. Yep. All right, all right. Shadow.

Well, we've both got to hit up Shadow. Shadow being bombarded by messages from the Little Dumb Dumb Club. One more realistic request than the other, but yeah. Thanks, LV.

Thanks, Lucas Valentine. Thanks, Lukey. Good on you and your arseless chaps. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Andrew Hay. Andrew Hay. Hay Hey mate

Hey Andrew There we go, that'll do Alright, next one H-A-Y Andrew Hay Don't like it Don't like it Don't like it

What's to not like? I don't know Hay It's good It's fine It's snappy Not for me Not for me. Not for me.

What would you rather? Name a name better than that. If you were to workshop his last name, Andrew Hay, try and keep within the same world that he's living in, but don't just go Johnny Cockmuncher. I said don't. That was written all over your face. That's what I'm checking into a hotel.

That's what I'm saying. So in the same world, what I've got to use, I've got to use those. Not a million miles away. Is this like the Iron Chef? I've got to use H, A and Y in my surname however I want. The ingredients. Yeah. Oh, maybe.

Look, at least the A. Andrew Haymaker. Oh. Pretty good. That is good. There you go. Oh, maybe. Look, at least the A. Andrew Haymaker. Oh. Pretty good. That is good. There you go. That is good. That's my issue with hay.

It's like we're just getting going. It's a good start. Right. You can see something on the end there, really taking it. Do you know what? Really putting it into full flight. Do you know what's great? That's what his mum and dad could call themselves.

The Haymakers. No. Andrew Haymaker. Yeah. Because they made Andrew Hay. They made Andrew Hay. Yeah? That's what his mum and dad could call themselves. The Haymakers. No, Andrew Haymaker. Yeah. Because they made Andrew Hay. They made Andrew Hay. That's good. Yeah. I like that.

The dad should change his name to Andrew Haymaker. Yes. Yeah. I mean, it should be a rule. Once you've had a kid, you then have to legally go and put... My dad should be called Carl Chandler Maker. Yes. Is that what you're saying?

Yes. That's the new rule. Yes. My name should be called Carl Chandler Maker. Yes. Is that what you're saying? Yes. That's the new rule. Yes. My name should be Carl Blanket Maker. Yes. Short of. No. Blanket Chandler Maker.

Blanket Chandler Maker. Yeah. That's my name. So anytime you're deciding a first name for your child, in the back of your head, you have to be aware. Yeah. This is also going to become my name. Right. With Maker on the end. Yes. But then it gets messy because your child having a the back of your head, you have to be aware, this is also going to become my name. Right.

With maker on the end. Yes. But then it gets messy because your child having a child. Yeah. No, wait. Oh, no, I guess it just, because at a certain point, generationally, people are, there's going to be like maker, maker, maker, maker, maker. Right.

Right. Yeah. So then it starts to get messy. Well, that's for them to worry about. Yeah. Yeah. That's for. At the moment, let's have fun.

We're like the boomers just fucking burning fossil fuels and buying all the property going, who gives a fuck? We're going to live forever. Let's just live it up and make dumb new rules about how people get named. That's for fucking people in 20, 2500 to deal with. Yeah. We're dead in the ground. What the fuck do we care?

Yeah. And also, they're going to have bigger problems than that. Yeah. deal with yeah we're dead in the ground what the fuck do we care yeah and also they're gonna have bigger problems than that yeah um so as soon as you have a kid i become a parent i'm blanket chandler maker whereas at the moment you are you are just simply cum maker yes that's what your name is exactly yes right i mean that's you raise an interesting point if if we are going to go under the assumption that like hey the world's fucked global warming's gonna fuck us all pretty soon you know there's we really don't have much long left on this earth.

Why not just come up with a bunch of dumb rules and let's just make things funny for the next couple of decades. We're not going to have to deal with the consequences. Let's just do stupid shit. Let's just change the laws to be dumb. Everyone can have a dumb name. I like after 10 years of this show, it's like, we've just come up with an idea.

Let's make things dumb. Cunts. What did you think you were doing we've been trying we've been doing our part yeah yeah um andrew haymaker is a good name though yeah i also just you know the naming of a punch the haymaker it's like what no you you were fucking breaking someone's nose that's not making any hay yeah Yeah. How does that work? Yeah, what's it meant to be? What's the etymology of it? I don't know. Like, how do you punch something so hard it turns into lucerne?

Or, you know, some form of grass. Haymaker. I'm going to punch you in the eye so hard that fucking cows are going to be eating your mulched up eyeball for lunch tomorrow is it more like i'm punching you in the jaw and then you won't be able to eat properly so you'll have to eat hay but hay's not i mean there's a lot of chewing involved in that it's not exactly so it's not yeah exactly yeah yeah i don't know well i can i can feel the inboxes lighting up as we speak with dozens of messages about the history of this. Of people so annoyed by the inanity of this subject

that they're like, we want to give you a haymaker right now. A lot of cauliflower ears out there right now, just ready to go. They're a specialty subject. They know all about it. Well, thanks, Andrew Hay. Thanks, Hazy. Thanks, Haymaker.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Shania Dubash. Now, this I like. This is undeniably good. I tell you what, it's a little bit clunky to look at. S-H-A-N-A-Y-A. That's Shania.

Shania Dubash. D-U-B-A-S-H. Yeah, there's a lot going on there. I'm underconfident. I wish, man, I wish I could remember the specific examples, but I mentioned last week I bought a car recently. I bought a used car.

I went out to the place to get it, and when I was doing the paperwork, I was in the guy's office, and he's got like a little table for when a parent is in there buying a car so their kid can just sit and draw and whatever. And the rule is like, yeah, put the drawing up on the wall. So he's got like a lot of, you know, kids' drawings up on the wall of his office. And they're all like signed by the kid. They've written their name. Some of the most out of control bogan names i've ever fucking seen

in my life like literally words that i've never seen before ever where it's like this parent invented this name and i really wanted to like get a photo or write but there was no way of me doing that without looking like a fucking criminal just like why is your camera out i just wanted to take a photo of these children's drawings that are on your office wall. Yeah. But like, man,

I might have to take a bit of a trip. I might have to say I've got a problem with the car. Yeah. Take a bit of a trip out there to this place and just get another look because it was fucking unbelievable.

It is the curse of being a bit of a shit cunt that there's been plenty of very dumb fuckhead things that I've seen on walls, even in the last couple of weeks, gone, no, I'm going to need to take a picture of that. And if you get the tap on the shoulder,

why are you taking a picture of that unfortunate looking person? Yes, yes. In a picture on a wall. Because I want to send it to my mate and say, this is you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, I wish I could remember what's this was too this was a one-on-one situation yeah i'm in this guy's world i'm in his office but like all of

these children i was like fingers crossed the day comes where they subscribe to the little dumb dumb club patreon because we could we could have a lot of fun with some of these and i feel like that specific like shania and then that specific spelling of it i feel like that specific, like Shania and then that specific spelling of it, I feel like that's the sort of thing I was seeing. Right. I mean, my God. Yeah. No offence, but fucking hell.

Sorry, I'm going to, we've been doing a bit of this lately and I haven't done it this week, but I am going to have to get on Facebook and see if I can find this young lady. Yeah. Because, look, I want to see the sort of person and see whether they sort of deserve this spelling. Yeah. You've got some splaining to do, Mr. and Mrs. Dubache. Yeah.

Also, I'm a little bit unsure about that last name. I mean, is it Dubache? Is it Dubache? Am I giving it too much respect by giving it the Dubash? No, I mean, that sounds all right to me. I like that bit of it. I don't mind that part of it at all. All right, I found it.

What do you got? I found someone in Sydney. There can't be too many Shania Dubash. You wouldn't think so? Yeah, look, she doesn't look like she's unfortunate in any way. It looks like a nice young lady. Okay. In fact, I would say that maybe the Shania, it's maybe not pronounced Shania.

God, I wish I could hear the version of this if we were off air. What a second thinking going on. This would have taken two seconds. I know, I know. Now that I'm seeing all the context here, I'm no longer thinking this is some sort of Western suburbs butchering of like a Shania Twain tribute. Right.

This is now some form of name that is obviously a lot more popular in another country okay and not not man i feel like a woman okay cosplaying right right right okay yep yep it could be shana shana shana yeah yeah yeah now i'm saying that i reckon it's shana it's shana debash yep oh myush. It's Shania DeBush. Yep. Game changer. Yes. This changes everything. Now we're dealing with something completely different. Yep. Absolutely.

We're no longer dealing with someone who was conceived and given birth in the back of a Ford Falcon. Yes. This is someone completely different. Take a guess where you think she was conceived. In a very nice looking bed. Wow. Full respect. Wow.

I can't wait to see these pics No No I'm just I'm just You know what It's just all the context Everything without context

Is completely different Exactly Now I've got the context I get it We've said this before But Patreon really should have An uploader pic of yourself Absolutely

I mean to be fair I don't think they For the money we pay For the unplanned title alternator, it should have it. To be fair, I don't think Patreon anticipated people using their platform in quite the way that we do. Yes. I don't think ever in a million years you would go,

people subscribe and then the receivers of that money, the creators, they spend an hour out of their lives every week talking about mostly single- single digit numbers of them. Sometimes they get into the doubles, sometimes the triples, but it's rare. Here's me typing. Dear Patreon, I can't help but notice that you don't give us any pictures of the cunts that are on your fucking website. Yes, yes.

Now, this is a problem because we like to rag out these fucking idiots that give us money. And at the moment, we don't know whether these cunts look like dumb cunts or not dumb cunts. Exactly. For the cut you take, it'd be really good if you could fucking help us out because we're trying to spend five minutes saying, is this guy a shit cunt or not a shit cunt? We're trying to run a business here. Yeah.

Sincerely, Tommy and Carl from the Hot or Not podcast. So, yeah. Good. Look, respectful. sincerely Tommy and Carl from the Hot or Not podcast so yeah good look respectful seems like a very respectful young lady and seems respectful

well works one bit of detail that's here is works at Department of Education and Communities which sounds like that's very something nicer than

what we do respectable and noble yes something nicer than and look now that I'm looking at pictures of her I'm like she seems like a normal,

very nice person that doesn't deserve all the shit that we've already poured on her and everyone else on this show. All right. Let's get out while the getting's good. I've been confronted by my online bullying and I've gone... It's like the ghost of Christmas. Yes. Bullying.

Yeah. Is this the person you wanted to say, this is the world. Yeah. If you keep going down this path, this is the world that you're going to be living. This is the person you were talking about. Yeah. You feel very good about yourself and I have to say this is the world if you keep going down this path this is the world that you're going to be living this is the person you were talking about you feel very good about yourself

and I have to say no this person's in the pictures I'm seeing she's frolicking in the snow she's having a great time with friends of hers and then she's going to you know

go to work go to the Department of Education and Communities one day whack the earbuds in and then have us go and then have her go I've been waiting a year

for this for my name to come on and then have you go, I've been waiting a year for this, for my name to come on. And then it's like, ah, fucking, man, I feel like a dumb cunt.

Yeah, you're a fucking bogan. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, sorry, sorry slash thank you,

Shania. Yeah. Debash. Debash. And, and look, one day I hope you're, two years, according to the picture here,

you had fun in the snow 18 months ago. Hope you have fun in the snow again one day. Yeah. Yeah. Good for you. It's not so much to hope for. Yeah. It's not crazy.

It's not a crazy dream. I don't think it's crazy at all. Yeah, I think that'll do. All right. Let's just do one more. Oh, yeah? Oh, fuck. Before I leave this, I just went to close this page.

And Shanya, she's, you know, I wish her friend had subscribed instead. Because she had a friend comes up here, it's the name Zubinapoo. Oh, man. That would have been better. Oh, man. That would have been better. Just message man. That would have been better. Just message this girl now and be like, hey, we got this pod.

Yeah. Maybe you want to... Don't even mention the Patreon. Like we said before, like we said before, you know, thank you to Giorgio for passing the podcast onto the mum. Shania, can you just pass it on to Zubin? Yeah.

Get him to sign up on the Patreon. Chuck old Poozy if you're Epps. Eppu. Now, that'd be good. Come back and do a proper job instead of getting half way through and sort of getting a bit scared and ashamed and having to backtrack. No, that's, I mean, you know, she'd be able to appreciate this. As someone who works in the Department of Education, we're learning.

Yes. You know, we see the name, we rip on it, we it we realize that you know we shouldn't jump in so early yeah we realize that uh you know there's many different cultures out there with different names that might sound a bit different to our ears but are probably pretty common in that part of the world i think she'd actually be quite proud of us yes well she's done her job without even noticing today exactly educating two two fuckheads to be just a little bit less fucked in the head. Exactly. Yeah.

Just a little bit. I'm sure she would say, you know what? If I make two fucking morons a little bit less fucked in the head. Just a bit less dumb cunty. Yeah. That's what it's all about. I think I've done my job. Yeah.

So there you go. We've both got something out of each other today. All right. Let's do one more. All right. Okay. Okay. Right.

Here's the fifth and last one for this week. Yep. Again, now that I've learned that, I'm just going to have to be a little bit careful with this last one. A bit more tact Yeah I think I better Like you know

This one to me I was like This is a bit Should I tee off on this one And now I'm thinking Well I've learnt something now Yeah Okay

You're not going to be So quick to act Yeah Okay so Very respectful But thank you very much To Patreon subscriber Pig fucker comedy What a fucking bogan what a stupid no no no no no no no

idiot of a name this person sounds like an a grade moron i just looked them up they're they're it's actually quite nice it's from it's look, it's from another country, that first name. It's from England. Oh, okay. So they do things a little bit differently. They do. They sure do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're a quirky mob. It's not, you know, maybe it's not the same language we're used to, but I'm sure it's a beautiful name. Where do they work? It's a beautiful name. At the shit-eating department of England. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that must mean something completely different over there.

Maybe it's education. Well, yeah. Where else does it go? Yeah. Over there. Exactly. It's waste management. Yep.

Good stuff. All right. Thanks for subscribing, everyone. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the links to the Patreon. Get on board. Get the two bonus episodes every week. I've got tickets there. We've got merchandise there.

Check out all of that. Business. Yeah. Sorry, I'm just saving the document. I'm a real completist. Just making sure that I've written down pig fucker comedy has been read out this week. Oh, yeah, okay.

Adding that to the record. Yeah, okay, great. Thanks. So we don't read that out again. No, no, no. Then we'll hear from that person. Oh, you fucking idiots. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, okay. Adding that to the record. Yeah, okay, great. Thanks. So we don't read that out again. No, no, no. Then we'll hear from that person. Oh, you fucking idiots. Yeah, yeah.

Or you fucking geezers. Yeah. Guys, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.