The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 545 - Live! Ross Noble, Nick Capper & Tor Snyder

Episode Date: March 10, 2021

We're out of the state and back in front of a three-quarters full room in Adelaide! We've flown over NICK CAPPER to cover a devastating blow to our bookings at the hands of a Friend of the Show, TOR SNYDER has started a fight and contracted lice and ROSS NOBLE keeps us glued to our phones for forty minutes! Plus we sample some ice cream, look at a photo of a bin and berate the audience. It's good to be back! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode recorded live in Adelaide with guests Ross Noble, Nick Capper and Tor Snyder. If you like what you hear here, you can come and see us live in Melbourne. We have four weeks of shows. Some of them sold out, a lot of them very close to it. March 27, April 3, April 10, April 17, littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets to that. We also have solo shows happening. Mine starts March the 30th. It's called Tommy Dasolo Meatball

and also happening within the same month. Oh, yeah, I have a show, Tommy, as I scramble to see what fucking dates it's on. I've got a show called Carl Chandler. Please call me Carl. Mr Comedy was my father. It starts on April the 5th and it goes for two weeks

and there's all sorts of times. There's 8.15 most nights. But there's a couple of shows that are directly after those live podcasts as well. Straight after in the same building if you want to do that. Go to littledumbdumbclub.com for all the info on times and locations. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new one with Ross Noble, Nick Capper and Tor Snyder. Hey, mates!

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler! Hello again! Nice try trying to close the border on us, you stupid fucks. Just try and keep us out, I swear to fucking God. Well, you've done a good job keeping a third of the audience out.

So they say, what's it going to be like life after the pandemic? Well, we can say it's not going to be as different as we thought it was going to be. We're going to go to Adelaide, there's going to be a half-full room. Same as before. Yep. Two seats in the front row, absolutely empty. Bombing already. We could have done this at home, to be honest.

Had to fill out a fucking form to get here. Come on. Fire it up. Now, how are you? This is your first time out of the state in like over a year, right? You've been pumped up about this for a month. This is, depressingly enough, this is my Thailand. All right, you heard him.

Some of you are going to have to start sucking him off if you want to live up to the lofty expectations that he set for himself. Well, someone's sucking up here so far, but yeah. I got in here last night and I did a gig on this very stage. It went okay, fair to say. My comedy went over some people's fucking head, cunt. Wow, very local reference. Very, very inside baseball.

But the three people who got it, they're fucking loving it. I don't think even they're liking it that much, but anyway. No, they're laughing into their jammieson right now. They're fucking loving it. All right, Tommy, don't get carried away. After the gig, this quite attractive woman came up to me, and she said, oh, can I just say something to you? And I was like, here we go.

It is a new world, isn't it? Post-pandemic, isn't it? Going to have to let her down gently, let her know I'm spoken for. And she said, I just wanted to say I think it's really brave that you shave your head given the shape of it. Wow. Mm-hmm. Wow.

Yep. Wow. There we go. There's the last. Now we know what to fucking aimhmm. Wow. Yep. Wow. There we go. There's the last. Now we know what to fucking aim for. Where's shit? Oh, no, we lost them again. Yeah.

I thought they liked that stuff. We know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, no, thanks for coming. Awesome. The first place that will let us in. Thanks for having low enough standards for having us. This is our second live pod in a year or so.

You know, I worked out on the way over here, I was thinking, we were here this time last year, like a bit after this. So we've done two live podcasts in Adelaide inside a year. We're doing one after this. We've done three live podcasts in Adelaide inside a year. Yeah, in 12 months. We've done, inside 12 months,

we've done one in Melbourne in 15 months. Yep. Fantastic stuff. This is our new local. This is our, yeah. No, don't say that. We're bombing on our home turf. This should be going better.

We should be more comfortable than ever. Also, also, so apart from the fact that we haven't sold this show out, a third of our guests haven't turned up either. So when there's 20 minutes of not a lot happening, you'll know where that guest is, not here. Someone could run down the street and get us some plates because we'll need to do some fucking spinning up here in about 20 minutes' time, I reckon.

This famous guest is well known for his improvising, so apparently he's just making up a new place to be right now. He's riffed out an address and just gone there. He's doing 20 minutes on a fucking butterfly. He found two blocks down the street. So anyway, he's down Rundle Mall. He's fucking killing at the moment. Any guesses as to who it is, folks?

Any guesses at all? Nah, nah, nah. Well, not at the moment, no. No. Anyway. Sorry? Clang. Brett Blake.

No, we said riffing, not being a fucking insane person. I made a joke to him yesterday when I saw him about something that was written on his shirt and then I had to sit there and explain it for half an hour because it was a combination of him looking at it upside down and also it being a sequence of letters. I was like, fuck, I did not pick my audience here. What else, Tommy? Yeah, given, hey, given this is my first time out of the state, I, you know, it really makes

you appreciate air travel, like being on a plane, stuff like that. I got to... Here we go, the black box is about to cop it, folks. I got some thoughts about the Harold Holt pool coming up, too. I got to the airport and sort of got on the wrong plane. Oh, wow. That's sort of also on them. They've forgotten how to do their jobs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, mate, I know. Just walk out on the tarmac and have a crack. You've got it from here. I didn't get on the plane, I went down the thing and they like chased after me and went, no, no, no, no, no, no. And they go, no, no, no, Adelaide. And I go, yeah, no shit,

Adelaide. And they're like, no, no, Perth. And I'm like, not Perth, Adelaide. Don't you guys, you guys work at the airport, you know what you're doing, don't you? And they're like, I'm like showing them the ticket going, Adelaide. Oh wow. And they're like, I'm like showing them the ticket going, Adelaide. Oh, wow. And they're pointing at the sign going, Perth. You're doing the voice at them.

That's bold. That's really bold. Is that racist to do the dumb cunt voice? Yeah, I guess it is. That's kind of our voice. We like to do it. Wow, I'm amazed that you didn't get delayed with a full cavity search after all that. Just gone walkabout on the tarmac.

No, but also, like, the two planes were leaving at the same time, so it just cuts to me going, oh, fuck. The end of this story being you can't do this gig because you're in Perth, in quarantine for two weeks, just staring out of a hotel window I've just got you here on a Zoom call and actually, hey look, it actually wouldn't be all that bad. It's hard to imagine it going much worse than this.

Speaking of that, should we say this? We did have a lot of different guests booked for this, like we did have Ross Noble but anyway we had a bunch of people that were supposed to be on it then someone um came and pinched a bunch of them for another gig then we had Fiona Lachlan booked we sure did uh a day ago two days ago I hit her up to remind her and said uh all good for the gig on Saturday

she goes yeah I'm all good for that gig in Perth you don't have anything to do with it so I don't know why you're asking she doesn't know you very well at all so I go I lose my fucking rag and then I go I understand that you're not going to fucking keep it in your fucked head I know you're not going to remember it but what about your fucking manager and then you could just hear

this voice in the background going sorry Carl how dare you take work on the other side of the country And then you could just hear this voice in the background going, sorry, Carl. How dare you take work on the other side of the country? We've got 15 people for you to bomb in front of on a Saturday afternoon, you stupid cow. So then she, like, I get a day away from it. I'm like, okay, it was a gig for a lot of money.

Fair enough, whatever. She's fucked up or whatever. It makes it harder for us. But then I go, oh, here's the good side to it. I reckon you're so fucked in the head, you haven't arranged all the paperwork to get into Perth, so you're going to get fucking stuck. And I sent her a message saying that, and she's like,

I don't know what this means, and just ignores it. Then I get a message at midnight last night going, I'm in quarantine in Perth. And I'm like, yes! You sent me a screenshot of that exchange going, I'm in quarantine in Perth. And I'm like, yes! You sent me a screenshot of that exchange going, what a fucking moron. And I go, yeah, yeah, pretty dumb. Have you filled out your forms to get into South Australia?

And you go, oh, do I have to do that? To be fair, you thought you were going to Perth. Exactly. I'm going to be in a hotel for two weeks anyway. Who gives a fuck? Why would I sign a form to go into Adelaide when I'm going into Perth? Oh yeah. I've filled in my quarantine check for Narnia. No fucking worries,

cunt. Oh, who else is fucked? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, we did have a, yeah,

we had a few friends of ours in town at the moment who we thought were going to be able to come down and do the show. And then this, a friend of the show, Merrick Watts has put on one of his gigs at a winery. And now everyone's in a fucking light plane heading down to the Grapes of Mirth gig. So two new enemies of the show, Merrick Watts and Pinot Noir. Okay? If anyone's got a red in their hand, get the fuck out right now. I'm praying.

I'm praying for a new Buddy Holly to the morning. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Immense fame and wealth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brett Blake, Buddy Holly, Tommy Little, Richie Valens, Limo, the other cunt.

Yeah, I don't know. You're listing music that you listened to when you were 23, so I've got no fucking... Who was it? Richie Valens, the Big Bobber, and Buddy Holly. Yeah, I don't know You're listing music that you listened to when you were 23 So I've got no fucking Who was it? Richie Valens, The Big Bobber and Buddy Holly Yeah, yeah It's pointing to an old person in the front row Yeah, yeah

Come on, Gramps, you take it from here Get open your gramophone Have a look at the fucking names on there Can you look it up on your fucking life support machine? Come on, mate Anyway, I'll just update from the manager of said person who haven't turned up yet. Yes.

No response. No response. Is that an update? Well, an update is nothing's happened yet. Right. Okay, yeah. Imagine if I hadn't checked my phone up. The news bulletin in the middle of the night.

Nothing to report, folks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes you feel great, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah. Just go to sleep now, I reckon. Yeah. All right, we'll keep a watch on that. But anyway, we have...

What's the backup plan? Pardon? I know what the backup plan is. We fly in Kappa again. Spoilers. Well, should we get our first guest? I guess that sort of explains why we have this first guest. Because we thought we were coming in to Adelaide,

we saw all the people that were going to be here. All of them have said no or taken other gigs. There's fucking... I realise the guests backstage are hearing that and probably thinking this is not the... That guest we're waiting on probably walked up the stairs and heard that and went, I'm out. No, still not here.

So we did fly in one of our favourite guests, and that's what we're going to bring him out now. And he's used to being flown in. He's used to travelling to one of our gigs and stuff, as you guys will know when you find out. Whoever it is. But, hey, you know him from travelling around the world, from travelling to Newcastle,

spending half his last two years in a tuxedo. Please, guys, put your hands together for the first guest here. It's Nick Capa. Nick Capa. I can't see in this thing. Nick, if you want to take a microphone, for all the people at home rather than just the 15 people here in Adelaide, you are dressed as a dumb cunt.

You're not dressed in a tuxedo. What is this? I left the jacket and the tuxedo at home. I only bought the pants and the tie. So I was like, fuck, I better go and get a new one. I went to the costume shop and I saw this blue gorilla suit for $50. It's like damaged, $50. Oh, really?

Yeah. That shows how far away you are from high society. You think you get a tuxedo from the costume shop. Ooh, look at me, I'm rich. Well, I was actually being quite thrifty. I thought maybe if I get a magician suit, I'll look sick, you know. But, yeah, the lady's like, are you sure you want that? Like the face is damaged?

And I'm like, yeah, that makes it better. Also, when did she start talking about the costume? Yes. Yeah, I was going to say, can you take the mask off? It's like a secondhand gorilla wearing a secondhand gorilla. Not much of an upgrade. Now, Kappa, you've also come out... Now, this is a thing you've got into your head somehow.

You've been talking about it to me for days. You thought this was going to be a great entrance. You're going to walk out and start throwing out giant twin ice creams. Yeah! Does anyone in Adelaide know what this is? Oh, you do know. Honestly, I thought it was like Kappa coming to Adelaide one time, eating an ice cream and going,

classic Adelaide. And the rest of you guys going, we've never fucking seen that ice cream before. That's what I did, Carl. I set up an elaborate prank. I created an ice cream factory and employed 100 people and made the bars.

Well, we were trying to think of ideas the other night. I mean, you had a planning session, believe it or not. This wasn't in the plan. No, this other night. I mean, you had a planning session, believe it or not. This wasn't in the plan. No, this wasn't. I did not sign off on this because I know you're going to invoice me for the fucking rental of this costume.

You're the impro, baby. I'm going to have the worst dehydration ever. And this is the show that was the extra one. Yeah. I'll be dead for the next one. You guys got the real deal here. Yeah, you ran out of ideas. This is the best stuff.

Who would have thought a last minute fuck would pay off? Yeah, yeah. Of what? I don't know. I meant being a last minute fuck. Still what? But a last minute fuck still pays off. I mean, it makes sense when you think about it.

Yeah. For the people at home, I just want to describe the costume a little bit. It looks as if, imagine if a Muppet fucked the rabbit from Donnie Darko. That's kind of, that's the vibe we're dealing with at the moment. Yeah. It's a shame they didn't give you any feet

for the outfit as well. No, they did. Yeah. Oh, that's the joke today. I thought they were yours. Oh, right. Oh, okay. Because the gorilla, their hands.

Pretty cool. Pretty cool. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. But, man, there was half an hour we were talking the other night where you were like, you know what I'll do? I'll eat a giant twin on stage.

I'm like, I don't know how entertained the crowd is going to be by that. It's pretty aroused. Yeah. But you can go for it. You can eat one now and we'll see if they go off or anything. No, I can't eat it in these dumb gorilla hands. I'm going to die if I have to do anything strenuous. I'm just going to sit here, you know.

Do you want one of us to feed it to you? Oh, man. Let's just save that for after, all right? You told me payment comes after, so we'll keep it that way, okay? Guys, I love being in Adelaide. It's so good. You guys are... Adelaide rules.

It is... What do you think of this, guys? Adelaide is so extreme. Like, it's a country town, but also you see this most extreme people I've ever seen. Like, today I saw a guy... Coming from this cunt. Yeah. Yeah, if I saw someone in a gorilla suit in Adelaide, I'd just go, yeah, that's Adelaide, man.

Walking to Rundle Mall. Someone seeing you walk to the gig, they're like, close the fucking borders again, honestly. I've seen two biffs, a crash, and I saw a dude walk around in Woolworths with blood all over his face. I was like, Adelaide rules. You know if you come from a country city like Brisbane or Perth, you go to Melbourne or Sydney... Hang on, a country city like... A country city. What?

Don't be offended by that, you dumb fuck. We're not offended by anything you're saying. We're just trying to understand. Yeah. We're not even sure if we can be offended yet. We're confused and trying to work it out. Yeah, but why did everyone go, oh? Because they were going, oh, what are you talking about?

That is not a good reflection of the dude with blood all over his face. It all works, all right? That guy's real tough, you know? Yeah, but I think if someone from Adelaide went to Melbourne, they wouldn't go, oh, this is the Big Apple. They're like, who cares? You know, like, I've seen all the shit in Adelaide. No one goes to Melbourne and thinks it's the Big Apple.

That's a different city. I did. I went there. I thought, this is the Big Apple, you know? The lights. The town's so nice,, this is the Big Apple, you know? The lights. The town's so nice, they named it twice. Melbourne, Melbourne. It's like a movie, you know?

Where's Mr. Big? The montage. McDonald's. Yep. Collingwood. Collingwood. Yeah. Where it be.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just naming suburbs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I forget what else is in Melbourne. Yeah. I haven't been there in a while, actually.

Guys. So this is it. You've been, like, I've been stuck in Melbourne for whatever it is, 12 months. You've been, every time you travel. Yes. You've travelled to Brisbane two different times and it immediately went into lockdown. Yeah. Now you're in Adelaide.

Yes. Is it going to happen again? Are we going to get stuck in Adelaide? Yeah, we get trapped. It's interesting because every time you've been somewhere, you've ended up being trapped in that place because you can't get back into Melbourne, almost as if the government goes,

look, I know we've got to inconvenience a lot of other people, but it's worth it just to not have this cunt in the state. Honestly, in this costume right now, I feel like Corona. This is a graphic representation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me just rubbing up all over you. Coughing me out. Anyway, I got too excited by that.

Yeah, great. So shall we get a second and perhaps final guest out? Do we have any other updates? What's the news line got to say? Is this an update or not? Is nothing an update by you or not?

Because this is it. No, nothing. No, nothing. Okay. Now it's an update. Now it's far enough into the show that the updates come through. We're fucked. Yeah.

It is 3.30 now. We've been on socials just going like, guys, buy the last few tickets to this 3 p.m. Yeah. It is 3.30 now, so... We've been on socials just going like, guys, buy the last few tickets to this 3pm show. Massive guest. You're not going to want to miss it. You're going to kick yourself forever if you don't come to this 3pm show. And you know, about 15 of you out there,

you fucking called our bluff and it's paid off handsomely for them. They're at home listening to this going, I fucking knew it. I knew they didn't have anything lined up. Suck shit, boys. I've saved myself a cool 25. Carl, can you do a selfie of you with the microphone going,

we're on stage. Don't phone hack him, you fucking idiot. Also, as if Ross gives a fuck about us in front of 60 people when he's playing 2009. Yeah, but these are the greatest people ever. Yeah, these are the true believers. What do you want? 2,000 people of a dude

going... Or 60 people looking at three depressed white men. You're not going to get counselling at 2,000 people. We can counsell everybody individually. What's your problem?

No problems? Also, for people hanging around for the second show today, the same manager manages that special guest for the second show. So, Capper, if you can be two people in that next show as well, that would be great. Wow, that's the real giant twin. That would be great. Wow, that's the real giant twin.

Beautiful. Yes, I'm back. Oh, man, this costume was worth it. Oh, my God. Do I have to wear this in the next one? Yes. Yeah. If we're paying for it, yes.

Oh, my God. Yeah, we want our money's worth out of this fucking thing. Maybe next episode you can wear it upside down. The hands would still be right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next episode, only wear the mask. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is there a mask?

Yeah. I came out with the mask on. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. What, are you saying that you still use it? I know a lot's happened since then, so it's easy to forget. Oh, God, I'm fucking so depressed I'm going to eat a giant twin. Oh, wow.

Oh, yeah, we need the review. You've been smashing the summer with ice cream. This is giant. Now I get it. Hey, hey, riddle me this, guys, right? I had the packet of giant twins, and there's a little fridge behind the

stage, right? And I had it wrapped in a shirt that I bought, because I had to buy a new shirt because after this, this one I got underneath this is stage, right? And I had it wrapped in a shirt that I bought because I had to buy a new shirt because after this, this one I got underneath this is ruined, right? It is going... Do you guys have a nuclear waste facility? Yeah. Yeah, it'll be weird. You'll finally have a piece of clothing that stinks.

Hang on. Hang on. Trying to talk into the giant twin. Picking up a wee spa and going, so I was in a cafe the other day. Is this thing on? Hang on, why is it called a giant twin? There's only one of them. Yes, get him, get him.

Speak truth to power. There's one of them. Yes. Yes. It breaks in them. Speak truth to power. There's one of them. Yes. Yes. It breaks in half. So does fucking everything. Check out my twin car. Carl hoped that Pammy's rack would be underneath the package.

Oh, no. We've lost him again. Honestly, is there any... Is this... Yes? You in the second row? The flavoured ones. The flavoured ones. The flavoured ones.

You used to have, like, if it was a chocolate, half of it up the long side would be chocolate and the other half... Hang on, you've lost me here. Yeah. So, we're going to need a diagram. We're getting a lot of hand movement with the act out of the ice cream. If you go long ways... Yeah.

Fucking hell! We'd better mic this guy up. Did you say if you go long ways, it's not... Fucking hell. We'd better mic this guy up. Did you say if you go long ways, not half ways? Because I don't understand. Short ways. Short ways, right. Not half ways, right. Chocolate on one side or whatever it was.

Yep. And then vanilla on the other. Oh, okay. So basically what you're saying is that the twin refers to the flavours. Pretty much. Yeah, not pretty much, literally yes. You're coming in with fucking angles and shit. So for the ones that have

two flavours in them, this is sort of a twin, but most of them have only one flavour. Is that what you're saying? Are you saying that Adelaide was, they were a little too, you know, confused? Yeah. And you're all just okay with this? You're all just okay with this? You're all okay living like this?

The sales rep was trying to tell me, he's like, what it is? It's a chocolate side. And the shopkeeper's like, fuck, man. I'm not into this science shit. All right, let's get back to the drawing board. Yeah, what's the verdict? We're going to find out this is the Harold Holt joke of Adelaide. All right, completely hacked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do they call them giant twins? There's only one of them. and it's not that big. Rating out of ten, Carl? Seven. Seven? Yeah. All right.

I mean, it'd be a ten if there was two of them, but you know. So you want quantity, not quality. Well, I want sense. It's like a chalk wedge. It's like a chalk wedge. It's like a chalk wedge without a stick. What? Why do we have Capron? Why do we have Capron?

Yeah, you want sense. You know what? Good call. Why are you in the audience? See, that didn't make sense, but people still laughed. Ah, I've done it again. Even that one. I didn't know why people laughed then.

All right. We have an update. We've got a live one. We've got an action. No, but if you say this is nothing again. All right, we don't have an update then. Fuck. No, we've got one.

What? He fucked up and completely forgot. Should he come now? Yes! Yes, for the life... Send him a photo of you eating an ice cream and Kappa dressed like that and say,

does this answer your fucking question, Chief? What do you reckon? Yes! That is a very good point. All right. Turn around. No, we want a picture of him. Someone say, yeah, take a photo of the audience.

We'll do that. We'll do that. We'll do that. Capper. Okay. Capper. All right. I'm not in it anyway.

I can't be fucked. Man, can't wait to edit this. Are you volunteering? What's the dead spot? I'm sending it to him right now saying, this is our current guest. What do you think? For the love of Christ!

Get him up here! Well, all right, let's get our other guest out here who's just been... Also, he's just followed up with a message saying, he's at the... All right, mate. Nice for some. We've all got stuff going on. Yeah, let's get followed up with a message saying, he's at the... All right, mate. Nice for some. We've all got stuff going on. Yeah, let's get our other guest out here,

who's just been sitting backstage listening to us prattle on about how we've got no guests. Please welcome back into the Little Dun Dun Club, Tor Snyder! Tor, I'm so sorry. That must have been absolute torture sitting backstage listening to that. No, I was sitting amongst it, just trying to get to know the fans a little bit.

It actually reeks of Lynx Africa out there. Nice. Yeah, they've cleaned themselves up for us. That's pretty nice. I wouldn't have expected that. But yeah, thanks for having me as the replacement, replacement, replacement guest. So honored. I wouldn't have expected that. But yeah, thanks for having me as the replacement, replacement, replacement guest. So honoured. Yeah.

This is great. All right, Carl, when you finish that ice cream, we'll bring a girl on. Fucking hell. I was just going on about how we don't have any guests while we've got one backstage for half an hour. Just pacing around. Oh, God. But yes, thank you for joining us.

Thank you for sitting through this. Hang on. Be quiet, T, thank you for joining us. Thank you for sitting through this. Hang on. Be quiet, Tor. I have an update. Okay, I'll send him. On his way. Sorry, mate. Honestly, I reckon we're going to have him for five minutes, I reckon.

Get him on one of those fucking beam scooters. Yeah. We'll pay. We'll pay for the scooter. Do you reckon he honestly feels bad? Because you're like, oh my God, he's got Nick Capper in a blue suit. He's like, fucking hell. Oh, I've really done it dirty.

You know what would be interesting? Whether he charges us the full price after all this. I reckon he didn't come because he knew that you were coming in this suit. It's terrifying. Maybe this is the way we find out Ross Noble is psychic. He saw this. This is one of Ross Noble's jokes, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, you do look like that.

He's like, hey, look at this. Yeah. Hey, what a great impression. You've got to let him know that he's allowed to just walk in here and just come straight onto the stage. Don't be polite. Don't hang up the back of the room. I reckon he'll use all of his comedy instincts,

see this and go, I'm needed ASAP. The bad comedy signal's gone up. Yeah, but Tor, you've been in Adelaide for a week. How have you been finding it? Yeah, Adelaide's the best. I love you guys. Yeah. Hey, but what, you've been in Adelaide for a week. How have you been finding it? Yeah, Adelaide's the best. I love you guys. Yeah. But what's going to happen?

Because Perth, we've been trying to get into Perth for months and months. Are you going to be able to get back to Perth where you live? I've got my ways. What does that mean? I haven't figured it out yet. No, I think it's fine. I think it's fine because we've got a deal, right, guys? These are people who are podcast fans.

They don't know anything about it. They're doing this at 3 p.m. on a Saturday. They're not big travellers. I got my raffle ticket on the way in, so I'm just waiting to win the lottery. Yeah, I hope I win the meat tray on my way back to Melbourne. Try the Star Wars thing at the border like this. You're just ready.

You're looking for. Wrong podcast. On the way over here, though, some gentlemen started a fight over me on the plane. That was flattering. Thank you, Adelaide. That sounds so sharp. What, you? No, but like a fight on a plane, that's rare.

Yeah, well, it continued off the plane. What? Yeah, so I... Hang on, hang on. Weird, weird. Hang on, back up, back up. These men managed to get on the right plane at the airport and not go to Perth?

I'm surprised they let them on the plane. But yeah, I was just waiting. I always wait to get off last, right? Because I'm like, whatever, I'll take my time. I love it, I love it. And this guy was like, go ahead. And I was like, no, I'll wait. And he was just like, I said, go ahead.

And I said, I'll wait. And then the guy behind him shoved him and then he just turned around and they just fucking started, right? Yeah, it was just like, whoa, is this over me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say,

that's a long bow to say that fight is over you. Yeah, yeah. That's really the power of positive thinking. Oh, guys. I'm not worth it, stop. They're punching on you going, you can both have me. I'll reject both of you if you like.

My heroes. So what, was there fisticuffs? Once they got off the plane, there was apparently one of them like picked the other one up because he was little and like threw him up against the glass on the walkway.

Yeah, it was magical. On a flight from Perth to Adelaide, who would have thought? They were drunk too, so it was even worse. But yeah, it was a really hectic way to get here. Especially because you had to fill in all that bullshit. Yeah, that would be so bad. You're just filling all that stuff with a bleeding nose. Oh i just got in a fisticuff yeah yeah and it's like have you been uh near anyone that's been sick over the last two weeks and you're just pissing

blood out of your eyes no no i'm all good i just love like no one's been able to fly for like a year and then like things are just opening up again and people are getting into fucking punch-ons in the sky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. About who's getting off the plane first. The world is back. My friend was telling me last night he got here on Thursday night and he got to the airport and he booked an Uber and it's like three minutes away.

He's like, oh, great, I won't have to wait long. And then his phone rings and it's the Uber driver and the driver's like, yeah, mate, I'm just down the road having dinner. So, yeah, yeah, just going to be a while. And my mate's like, just cancel the fucking ride. Then he's like, nah, you can do that. And my mate's like, no, but then I get stung. You cancel.

He's like, nah, you cancel it all. You can just wait for me to have dinner. Fucking brutal. Wow. So my friend just goes and gets, So then my friend couldn't book another Uber Because he's like waiting for the ride So my friend ends up going and getting a cab And then he's just sitting in the cab just watching the Uber

Because at a certain point This cunt's going to be finished his fucking din-dins And go well I guess I want a fare So I've got to cancel this trip Just in a Mexican standoff with an Uber driver Did he cancel it in the end? Yeah, he's like halfway into the city and then finally gets the thing like, all right, your driver's cancelled.

Oh, it must have been a good dinner. Must have been some good nuggies for the Uber driver. These are the great standoffs of the 21st century. In the old days they had like, go outside, I'll shoot you. Now it's like, you hang up first. Describing that story to someone 30 years ago, they'd be like, have you had a stroke? What the fuck are you talking about?

So he was on his way to pick me up because I don't drive myself. So I only just got in like an hour ago. We have a friend of the show, Milan, is here. So it's his first trip for a year as well. And you guys all got in last night. Yep. So Milana hit me up and said, where are you staying? I'll stay wherever you're staying.

And everything has, like, got a heap more expensive because there's stuff on the weekend and stuff apparently here, isn't there? Yeah, the little Dundum Club. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. With Ross Noble. The Hilton's Ross Noble so all the price... The Hilton's Ross Noble. All the price hiked and so all the hotels got...

My usual hotel was super expensive. I was like, fuck that, I'm not paying for that. So I found a hotel, looked all right online and it was a lot cheaper. So I said to Milan, you can book that one in. So he got there last night at like nine o'clock at night and they go... They pulled out a piece of paper with his name on it and just says double booked they go nah you don't have a room anymore and he got

knocked back at nine o'clock at night and i safe to say i have not heard the end of it so far um so i panicked and i'm like here he comes uh so i'm panicking like fuck i better check in then as soon as i get to adelaide and uh he was like saying, fuck this hotel, fuck this hotel. And I was like, no, it looked all right online. I got there. It's in the worst neighbourhood as I got there. Then I got there and look. It's in the worst neighbourhood.

It's in Adelaide. Bit of a rough area. They don't like that. So I'm going to hold this up. You're going to have to have a, I don't know if you're going to be able to see it, but, man, I walked into the reception. The reception's about half the size of this stage. Okay.

And there's no receptionist, and half the reception is filled up by a big bin. That's where you sleep. That's where you live. Just a huge hopper. Are you booking for Chandler? I've booked the Oscar the Grouch suite for one night. After the old, like, barrels thing that happened here,

that's how they give you the... That's the whole barrels thing. What a great way of summing it up. They're like, oh, look, we don't have any rooms. You could die in one of these. This isn't like a threat by one of you guys. It better be a good show tonight, guys. It's like the horse head in the bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, a family room. A big reception. The last time I was here, I stayed in an Airbnb and we got bird lice. So that was... Bird lice. Thanks, Adelaide. A little was... Bird lice. Thanks, Adelaide. A little memory.

Bird lice, yeah. I didn't even know that existed. Neither did I. Fantastic. And neither did the doctors. There's cat aids and there's bird lice, right? Yeah, so... So you...

It really makes you think, doesn't it? You know there's cat aids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to talk to the animals. So did you get bird lice? Yeah, yeah. I contracted it. Wow, so that's sort of like, you know, coronavirus.

I've had to shave all my pubes. See, this is how high prices went with accommodation. People were sleeping in cages. Did you fuck a sparrow? No, it's like a legit thing. like when birds are pigeons put nests on a windowsill and they have babies and the the the babies leave the light because they get lice the lice sticks and they have nowhere to go they'll die so they come into the house and we thought the house was haunted first and then turns out um uh, it was just bird lice.

What are the symptoms? You just get super itchy. So is it just lice? No, because it's not on your hair. It's on your skin. So I shaved my pubes for nothing. There you go. They're back. They're into the

pube gear now. You got them. You want them over. First guy you hooked up with, he's like, no, I'm not playing on a clay court. What? I love when Kappa words float. I hooked up with a bushman. Andrew Dice Kappa. It's nice that you're talking to your dad still.

Is that a term? I've never dad still. Is that a term? I've never heard that. Is that a term? Playing on a clay court. Playing on a clay court. Playing on a clay court. Man, I'm thinking of Nadal all differently now. I remember one time I was at Melbourne Comedy Festival

and I was living in Sydney at the time and I got head lice because this lady was nice. Was this one time every year? Yeah, every time. The festival lice. No one else gets it. Very annoying. Yeah, and I got head lice.

Hang on, update. Yep. Two minutes away. Oh, yes. Yeah. So don't stress about the story, Cap, or if it bombs. We've got a professional mop and bucket coming in in two minutes. If you could pack this into 90 seconds, that'd be great.

No, no, I will. My grandfather died. Oh. So I had to fly to the sunny coast. And then I was working at ABC shop, and they're like, So I had to fly to the sunny coast and then my... I was working at ABC shop and they're like, we've got no more shifts for you

because you took the time off at Melbourne Comedy Festival. Right. This is still about the head lice, right? Yeah. So I thought, I'll get a haircut. There's no way that was the only reason, by the way. I'll freshen up for the funeral.

I'll freshen up. And I went into the hairdressers and they're like, no, you've got head lice. And the lady said it like this, she goes, you've got head lice. Like Elvis? Like, just staying alive. Yeah. But it's like, well, what are you here for, hairdresser,

if not to cut out the lice? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Oh, no, because they've got to sterilise all the tools. Yeah, yeah. I was going, my mum would pick all the head lice out, then I'd go to another hairdresser's and it was like going into nightclubs. That's what chimps do.

There's still ones in there. Yeah, it was horrible. Right. And I just had to shave. Oh, yes. Oh, here we go. Oh, yes. And I just had to shave Oh here we go Oh yes Mate honestly

Cap is talking about having headlights when he was six If you could jump up really quickly Please welcome into the little dum-dum club Ross Noble I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry Look what we've been reduced to

Don't be sorry yet You listen to the first 40 minutes of this podcast and then be sorry I'm so sorry I was helping some orphans And it was all And now to help

people even more desperate Yeah What's their podcast called? It's called So foot orphan Right Right It's like the barefoot investor

But they've got fuck all money Yeah Wow that sounds like Adelaide Fringe I was giving them Manicures Yep Should be pedicures

Yeah On their feet But I was giving them Manicures yeah on their feet yeah but I was giving them manicures and then they all just went well

our feet are fucked you wanna and then I said oh and then somebody rang me and went why the fuck are you lying around in a hotel room

doing fuck all you're supposed to be doing a podcast so I'm here now and you know and you're gonna get 12 minutes

high quality give us the good stuff mate let's have it I think this is the first time I've ever appeared in front of an audience whilst wearing sun you look ridiculous up here ridiculous up here.

Man, the last 12 minutes are shaping up good. So fill me in. So we've got a, what's some sort of a... Fuckhead? Yes. Psychedelic yeti. Yes, yes.

Tattooed lady. Yes, yes. No, I'm not a lady. To fill you in, Tor has had bird lice. Kappa just looks like he's got bird lice. I actually had head lice, Carl. Oh, right, right. You look like you're the bird that gave the lice to Tor.

Stinkin' flashbacks. I nearly flew to Perth an hour ago and Tommy, a woman told me I was very brave for shaving my head because of the shape of it. Oh, I didn't know that. She's right. Yeah.

I think it's braver to grow it out When it's thinning to be completely honest I'll say solidarity for you In the situation Because I have a similar weird shaped head So for years I've thought I have big hair And then nobody will notice the fact that

If I shave this off it's like a shed Right It's pointy on top It's an actual shed It's like a shed. Right. It's pointy on top. A shed. It's an actual shed. Right. It's got a ridge and I don't have skin here I've got like a felt.

Right. Right. And men hide in it when they want to get away from their wives. Right. Okay. You should shave it.

You could do a reboot of Coneheads. Or Tommy could be in that too I guess. The hit movie Coneheads the reboot everyone wants that was a weird concept for a movie wasn't it like the cones

you said it Austin Powell is another weird one there's a lot of them out there they're in the writers room they're like how can we do aliens again you're like oh why don't we't we just give them weird shaped heads? You know, it's kind of... Anyway, Ross.

I'm sorry. Sorry, I see. You see what we've been doing for the last 45 minutes? I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah. We flew this guy over. There wasn't anyone in Adelaide good enough for this. Hey, I wonder how many bins they have in the reception at the...

Oh, yeah, there's a big bin in the foyer of Carl's Hotel. What do you think of this? We just got told by your manager you're in the... Must be nice. Can we just edit that out of the actual podcast? Because I'm here for some time. Okay. I don't want people fucking turning up.

Are you under a pseudonym or are you under your name? Do you think that people think you aren't doing well? Oh, no, no, I'm fucking Lordo. Yeah, okay. Sorry, sorry. No, no, no. Sorry, you've confused me with being, oh, no, fuck that. I'm not a man of the people.

Right. I'm a f***ing steaming in a big fucking suite. It's far too big for one person. Right, right, right. Do you have any... No, it's not that. It's just I don't want any fucking nutters to... Oh, of person. Right, right, right. Do you have any... No, it's not that. It's just I don't want any fucking nutters to... Oh, of course.

Right, right, right. It's got nothing to do with me pretending. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm slumming it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, you've given... Don't worry, no nutters know now. Yeah.

Yeah, what's an expensive... Did you say? No, but what does happen is, yes, people will turn up and, you know, they might go to the bar and put drinks on my tab. Oh, right. I get a lot of this myself. So you're a d*** and this is the reception of my hotel.

Can we stop seeing you at the hotel? Also, Ross, can you just back yourself to be famous enough that some little nerd can't just turn up to the bar and go, hello, I'm Ross Noble. Please put all these drinks on my room. No, what they do is, this happened before, right? So you're there, you're in a bar, and you have a few drinks and stuff, and then if somebody can work out what room you're in, they go, I'll sign for that, and then they say,

why am I telling you? Don't worry, these guys don't like pulling pranks on anyone that's on the podcast so you're pretty safe but the good thing is so you're at the

Kardashian hotel yep cool so if you all come and do that I still get the point so who's the real so yes you do that this is a tip

if you're staying at a hotel and they see somebody that you know and then just find out what their room is, unless they're... Anyway, so you just say it and then you go,

oh, I'll sign for that and you put the name down and then you write the thing and then boop, bang. And it goes in the thing and before anyone knows what's happened, you're off. You're out. Right. After party at the Kardashians, guys. So do they do roll-away beds in this suite?

You know, one of those ones. We won't bother. Are you staying in a bunk, Ross? How big is the bin in your reception? Because that's my reception. That's an awful lot of bin. For one reception. It's an indoor bin.

It's still been vandalised. How shit is the reception? People keep making the bin.. How shit is the receptionist? People keep making the bin, bring the bin into the receptionist and she's sitting there watching the bin.

Somebody still comes in. Yeah, yeah. Adelaide Banksy still got there. Can I have a closer look at it again? And they've got the hygiene shield

up at the counter. That's fantastic. Wouldn't want to be dirty. Is it a hygiene shield or is it the sort of hotel that requires that all stuff must be behind glass?

Yes, yes. Absolutely, absolutely. What's a hotel are you staying at? Oh, I wouldn't like to say. For a different reason. Just from shame more than... What's another word for prison? Man, it's funny.

You people could never get to the executive floor. Yeah. You need a special swipe card. Come on, try it. Honestly, I'll find the name of it. Milan, what's the name of that hotel? You've got every Disney princess. No. Adrian!

Don't call me Adrian. Thank God you showed up when you did. He's got every Disney princess. No. Area. Yeah, yeah. Don't call me area. Thank God you showed up when you did. We were about to bring Pocahontas up here to do a tight 15. An alcoholic Pocahontas. Milan, what's the name of the hotel? The Mac Boutique. The Mac Boutique Hotel.

You know it's a shit hole when it's got boutique in the title. That's the place I got bird lice last year. Is it really? It could be. I mean, I'm not allowed to tell. It's so funny, they walk in and he goes, man, this is false advertising. This isn't boutique at all. He's like, well, look, why don't we put a bin in there?

Yeah, really pick things up. Yeah, throw people off the scent. They hate a boutique hotel. Well, this is not a boutique hotel. No. I think they think boutique means small and bad, because that's what this joint is. It is fucking awful.

Boutique means... I was in the lift today, and I thought I was going to get mugged in the lift. That's just the clientele of the people in the hotel. Oh, okay. Very bad. Yeah. I stayed in a hotel once in the UK, and I was... And they said, oh, it's a boutique hotel, it's all fancy.

And I was staying in the Johnny Cash suite. Why wouldn't you? Yeah. Pleasure. The fact that he was convicted of transporting illegal drugs across the Mexican border. And he married a 13-year-old. There's elements that you think, maybe. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if this is the room I want to stay in. And then you couldn't get crisps. Couldn't get crisps after midnight. After midnight? I ran down to the reception. I went, there's no mini bar. And they went, this is a boutique hotel. What would you like?

And I said, I just want a bag of crisps. We don't do bags of crisps, sir. I went, fuck you, boutique hotel. From now on, I'm going to stay in an unnamed lodge. A very expensive, fancy hotel that apparently doesn't have fucking clocks in the room, does it? That's true. It's like a casino. When it comes to time, you like to walk the line.

When it comes to time you like to walk the line I think you'll find my head Does not have a clock in it I'm so sorry I've never been late for an engagement Nobody reminded me To be fair nobody reminded me And if you want me to turn up Somewhere you kind of need to remind me

You changed the tune within the same sentence. It went from, I'm sorry to get fucked, this is your fault. To be honest, I think your agent saw the fee and went, 10% of this is fuck all, I'm not going to give you a text. Yeah, maybe. But no, to be fair, I'm not saying you should have reminded me of it, but someone should have reminded me of it. Yeah, there we go.

Someone should have said it. Just like your hotel, there we go. Someone should have said. Should we, just like your hotel, should we name your management then? No, let's not. I'm not blaming them. Yeah. Hey, let's not dwell on it. Yeah, yeah. Let's all go back to my hotel.

If we can find it. I'm sure we can all... Ironically, the room is about twice the size of yours. Sell a few more tickets. Oh, that'd be nice too. Do you feel like you're doing a gig in your wardrobe at the moment? I'm used to being in a big empty room at Fringe, but not staying in it.

Just visiting it for one hour every night. Going, oh man, this is a big place. Well, there's not time to dwell on it, to be fair. You've got two minutes left. Yeah, yeah. Fuck. Have you ever checked in under a pseudonym? Yes.

That's why. I mean, that's what I was thinking before. If you don't want people signing in under your name for drinks, why aren't you saying... Actually, you think there's a... Oh, this is just... Right. Hey, everyone, I'm a massive twat.

OK. That whole thing of signing on, you don't necessarily have to sign in under a false name. You can go in as what they call a silent guest. And then that way you don't... You don't exist in this. That was like you for the first 40 minutes. LAUGHTER You don't exist in this system. That was like you for the first 40 minutes.

Good old Ross, such a generous performer, just letting everyone else have the spotlight. There you go. I'll have that one. So go in as a silent guest, that's the way to not get ripped off. Right, right. Try it, try and get some drinks off the table. Oh, now it's a challenge.

Great, right. Yeah, you're just like, hello, my name is Silent Guest. Christopher Guest. Sorry. Yeah. They go, what's your name, please? And you go, shh. Oh, I have a slab.

What about David Guest? He was a fellow, wasn't he? He was married to... Liza Minnelli. Liza Minnelli. Yeah, yeah. What happens when he turns up? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think he had throat problems as well. I think he had more than throat problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He married the wrong person, very largely, but yeah. Here's a game show that we're going to start up when we, we were meant to be in Perth last weekend doing a live show, and we've got, Carl is going to check into his hotel in Perth when we make it over there under an alias,

and then the listeners of this show have to just work out what hotel he's in by just calling hotels and asking for this guest name, and the guest name that he's going to be in there under is Errol P. Mosquito. What do you think of that as a game show format? As a way of spending your life? Yeah. And whoever finds me gets to come and have

beers on the pool with me and whatever but people have just got to ring around every hotel. So there's a pool? Yeah. It's like inside

Ross's hotel room now. What was his name? Errol P. Mosquito. That's a good name. It's a good alias. Have you ever had a fake name at the hotel or not?

No. I don't know. What have you had? In New Zealand. I don't really want to, it was

Pascal DuPont. Oh, right. And that was just because there was a nutter that just

kept, yeah, kept ringing up, ringing, guessing, because if you want to

stalk someone, right? And being a stalker of you is a fucking tough job, because they'll turn up and you won't

so yeah all you gotta work out is the couch that I was lying on I stalked Peter Andre once oh really yeah yeah yeah he had a he lived near

so I used to have a place in the UK that was quite near you know East Grinstead where all the Scientologists lived. Because that's where L. Ron Hubbard had St. Hill Manor, which was the home of Scientology. Right. Before he went off on the boat to keep it all offshore. Yeah. And then, so there was this estate and it was like a sort of, it was a private estate.

So that like Tom Cruise had a house there and and then Peter Andre bought there, because it was private, people couldn't just, like the paparazzi, couldn't stand on the street, they could get moved on. And when our daughter was really small, we were driving around, trying to get the child to sleep, you know, because that's what you do. It's the only time you're allowed to tie up your kid. You tie the child up. Putting her in the baby seat,

you're tying the child up. So you drive around, the child fell asleep and my wife slicked through a magazine, like one of them, you know, a new idea, one of them bullshit ones.

She flicks through, she goes, hang on a second, this is an aerial view of Peter Andre's house. He live on the estate. And I was driving, went,

fuck it, let's find Peter Andre. So we drive around and then, sure enough, she gets the picture and we match the house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hang on, you matched the top of the house from the aerial view? Yeah, because you could see the gates. It wasn't just the roof. Right, right, okay.

It was like at a perfect angle. And then you went, hang on, that's the gate. And then we sat there and we went, whoa, we're outside Peter Rogers' house. And then we went, what are we doing now? It's just like a stork delivers a baby story. And that's how Peter Andre got a baby. $600 this cost us to bring over. You know, because you put the baby on his doorstep.

Same thing with what's going on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Neither does he. Because I'm not sure. Like, with the greatest respect to you, I don't know whether they're accomplished fringe performers or genuinely just people. I mean, the guy in the blue suit, he's very fringe.

Like, he's a, yeah, he's a fringe performer. Yeah, but, you know, I think that's a... I'm going to explain my... What a great quote for your poster, by the way, Cabba. Just a person, Ross Noble. To be honest, it's an upgrade. What is the show? I'm keen to know what the show is that you do in this sense.

He is. Honestly, it's all been explained to these guys, but we got him to travel around the world in a tuxedo and he forgot half the tuxedo outfit, so he went to a costume shop and got travel around the world in a tuxedo and he forgot half the tuxedo outfit so he went to a costume shop and got the next best thing to a tuxedo. Yeah, it was only $50

a blue gorilla suit. Yeah. Oh, you bought it? Yeah, I bought it today. It was on special. Oh, did you? Is that yours forever now? Yeah.

Oh, God. So the woman out there genuinely went, oh. She was just repulsed at the idea. Was that the fact that he owns the suit or was it the waste of money? Yeah, yeah. Oh, $50.

I said, is that $50 a day? And they're like, no, it's yours. Yeah. $50. We'll give you $50 if you fuck off. And I would say in terms of fire safety, it's probably the most dangerous outfit you'll ever wear. Absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, there you go. There's your next quote. Flammable, Ross Knight. I'll go so far as highly flammable. Five stars. This guy's on fire, but if he's not, he will be.

It's the backup plan every night. I'm like, okay, no one's taken, you know, no one's laughed at me tonight. All right. Time to do the fire thing. Time to light me up. I would genuinely pay money to see you come out, right, and just light a scented candle. Hang on.

So you wouldn't see me do any jokes? No. What I want to see, right, is I want to see you come up on a stage this size, light a scented candle, right, and then just enough to illuminate it in the outfit and then dance precariously close to it. Just for an hour, while the audience goes... I'm with you, I'm with you. I'd pay him $50 to kill himself as well.

Honestly, anything that keeps him away from doing his stand-up material, I'm with you. I'm with you. I'd pay him $50 to kill himself as well. Yeah. Honestly, anything that keeps him away from doing his stand-up material, I'm fine with. This went from hypothetical to like, hey, as soon as money was mentioned. Hey, we've nearly got to finish up. We've nearly got to finish up. I know. It feels like we've only been up here 15 minutes. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we've got to finish up soon. My hands are so sweaty. I'm going to fucking die. That brings me to my point I was trying to make before. Right. I put the ice creams in the little fridge at the back. Oh, fuck. All right.

Right. Sorry. Yeah, Ross is sorry for interrupting this good bit. It was planned 20 minutes ago. I had my T-shirt wrapped around it. Hang on, start again. So you've got ice creams in the fridge out the back. You've wrapped your T-shirt around ice creams in the fridge.

Yeah, because you have to buy another T-shirt. It's not a fridge. Yeah, because there's a fridge out the back. No, but you wrap the T-shirt around the ice creams or you wrap them around the fridge. No, no, around the ice creams. Hey, thanks for having me, by the way. This has been the best Saturday of Adelaide Fringe.

Thank you. You've insulated your ice cream. I was talking about the little fridge out the back. Yes, I saw the little fridge. I saw your ice cream. You were in the shop and you thought, it's quite hot, so I'll wrap them up. Yeah, I'll get a spare T-shirt as well. So I thought I'll wrap it up because this T-shirt's quite sweaty so i'll wrap them up yeah i'll get a spare t-shirt as well so i thought i'll

wrap wrap wrap it up because this t-shirt's quite sweaty now right right and i put the t-shirt in the fridge why are you wrapping the ice cream yeah did you wrap them from the shop to bring here that was your like fashion esky in case in case when i walked in any people like any punters in case someone's got giant twins he's definitely going to throw them in the water you thought someone seeing a box of ice creams would ruin the show yeah that would walk us

straight out we've seen half of it already you won't bother sticking around for it boo it's not about insulation it's about disgust

yeah yeah it'd be like Janet Jackson walking in with the like the Super Bowl with the nip already exposed right right okay you know what I mean yep makes sense I'm back with you yeah I got it yeah yeah It'd be like Janet Jackson walking in with the soup bowl with the nip already exposed. Right, right. Okay. You know what I mean?

Yep, makes sense. I'm back with you. Yeah, I got it. Yeah, yeah, great. Okay. Yeah. So, are you sure? Maybe tell us the story again.

So, you've got the wrapped up ice creams. Yeah, so I put the T-shirt in the fridge and it's quite a hot day, right? Yeah, it's a hot day. And I thought... Hence why we thought you were insulating the... Hence why you're dressed like that. Yeah, okay. So it made me think,

has anyone put their clothes in the fridge and then taken them out to put them on and feel refreshed? I actually do that with sheets in the summer in Perth, yeah. Oh, there you go. Pillows, put your pillow in there. Oh, that wasn't a piece, it's a survey. Is this all built up to ask the bar if you're allowed to put that outfit in the fridge in between shows? How big is your fridge at the Hampton, Ross?

The Hampton. The silent hotel. All right, well, I guess we'd better wrap up this audio equivalent of bird lice. We're all itchy. We're uncomfortable. We're all going to shave our pubes backstage. Very brave of me to do that, given the size of, you know, given the shape of it down there.

The shape. The shape. The shape of your groin. Little egg. Yeah. I don't know Have you guys Have you guys liked this or not? It's hard to tell

Alright Alright Alright Let's wrap it up For another week On the Little Dum Dum Club Thank you very much For joining us

Give a big round of applause To Snyder Nick Capa Ross Noble Thanks very much For listening at home. We'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again.

Wow. Almost too much Ross Noble for my liking. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah, once you get him going, boy, just try and shut that guy up. Yeah. Hey, yeah, good to be. Good to go.

Good to go anywhere, as they say in the classics. Yep. Even good to go to Adelaide until about 10 minutes in when I realised what the Adelaide crowd was giving us, which was not much. Was there, I mean, look, you guys at home can be the judge. Was there a meeting of them not being a great crowd and us not being great comedians? I don't know. Yeah, who's more to blame?

We need to start a little poll. Happy for it to be a 50-50 effort. I mean, that's really what you want. Any kind of live performance is a collaboration between the comedian and the audience. And I like to think that that's what we've done there. Both sides of the fence have brought about 70% to the table. God, that'll do.

I think we got halfway through the pot, and I remember making a very vehement choice of going, no, we're doing good up here. Fuck this response. Yeah, I mean, that's it. I mean, we were talking about this the next day. If you're a listener of the show, if you've come this far, it's like, is this not to be expected?

It's like, yeah, we're up there spinning our wheels because one of our fucking guests forgot to turn up and we're texting him on stage. Is any of this shocking at this point? Yeah, no, I think it was... I felt like an athlete up there. I was hitting the wall going, no, no, push through. Push through. I'm hitting the wall of the no, no, push through. Push through.

I'm hitting the wall of the Adelaide crowd's indifference. Yeah, exactly. But, yeah, so there was a bit of a... Hey, look, they've been in Adelaide the whole year. We've been cooped up indoors in Melbourne. We're happy to be fucking out, doing anything. You realise what a blessing it is to be able to do live performance. Whether or not there's a response.

Just happy to be up there talking to a crowd. Yeah. I did feel like I was back on Zoom for a second. Oh, big lag in the room. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to the listener that walked past me at the airport and said, hmm, those episodes won't be in the best of at the end of the year. Yeah.

Cheers, cunt. Thanks for coming. Thanks for the support. No worries. I thought it was good. I thought it was a good episode. Hey, of the year. Yeah. Cheers, cunt. Thanks for coming. Thanks for the support. No worries. I thought it was good. I thought it was a good episode. Hey, we had fun. Yeah, we did have fun.

Nice little, nice little, you know, thing to happen to be waiting on a guest and finally they turn up and it's fucking good. Yeah. And I'm assuming you didn't edit out any of the mentions of hotels or anything like that? I haven't yet. Yeah. I can. I wouldn can i wouldn't bother i think i need to it's all fine it's all fine yeah um oh you've probably you've probably edited out some of the uh laughs from the audience just to just to speed the the episodes up tommy yeah yeah yeah that's probably why you're not hearing as many laughs from the audience just to get it down to a clean 20 minutes. Yeah, there's a lot of just gaps where we're just like waiting for the applause to die down.

Sit down, guys. You don't need to give us a fucking standing ovation every time we absolutely do it again. Yeah. And hey, look, you know, you're probably, you're listening to this and maybe you just finished the ep and you're like, I don't know what they're talking about. That was a fucking fantastic episode. Well, if you thought that was good, wait until next week. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

You've got a week to fucking prepare yourself. You won't know what hit you. That's the weird thing, like, talking about, you know, nay, complaining about the crowd response in this one. It's like most of them stuck around for the second show, all of a sudden it was fucking killer. Yep. So, yeah, I don't know what happened.

Well, that's all I'll say. Thank God we did do two shows. Yes. Imagine waiting a year to get out of the state and do that and just coming back with that one in the bag like, all right. No, it's a good show. What am I talking about? It was a good show.

Yeah, it was. Plenty of funny shit in there. Yeah, exactly. Shout out to Nick Capper for coming along with us on that little trip. So there's another one of them next week. And there's a lot more laughter in the recording. Well, we now know

because I can cross-reference who came to both. And in the second show, the audience was fantastic. So I can now cross-reference who came to the first show and didn't come to the second one. And we can categorically say

they're shit cunts. Yeah, right. We can ban them. I like the idea of banning audiences in Adelaide like they don't already ban themselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we're in any position to do that. Yes, but sincerely though, thank you to everyone who came out and checked out the shows in Adelaide over that weekend.

Great time. Great to be back in another state doing a show for the first time in a year. It was a ball. And I had a big list of content and didn't even get through half of it. So, yeah, look, a lot of fun. A lot of fun next week. A lot of fun just being there.

A lot of fun. Literally, I was in Adelaide for 24 hours and that was that and straight back again. So, good to be somewhere else for once. Yeah, a lot of fun riding those beam scooters around. So, yeah, hey, like you said at the top of the show, we've got live shows in Melbourne coming up. Good to get back on the live show horse.

And now we're in a couple of weeks doing all of that. So first show sold out. That's going to be, that's the first show, that's the one that we've been talking about where we're going to make our own pop-up burger bar afterwards. So, yeah, we'll find out what's going on with that. We'll nail that down. But the people coming to the show are going to get first dibs

on going to the pop-up burger place afterwards. Yep. So you'll hear about that very soon, ticket holders. There may be an option for people that didn't come to the show to come by and get takeaway. We'll see. We'll see. But that is, I believe, what's it, 27th of March?

Yep, that one's sold out. That's sold out. We've then also got April 3, April 10, April 17, 3.30 p.m. European Beer Cafe. April? Look, now, they are all close to selling out. Yep. As I've said before, I think, what is it,

the fourth one is very, very close. It might be sold out by the time this comes out, but I'd be going to that one. Then, Tommy, we are doing solo shows as well? Yes. March 30, mine starts at the Coopers Inn, 7.30pm. Six shows only. It's called Meatball.

It is, of course, the show I was going to do last year. It's a pretty comprehensive list of all the stupid shit I've done in the last couple of years, some of which you've heard on this show, expanded in beautiful HD. So come and check that out. Selling well already. Looking forward to seeing you guys there. And then, of course, we have the maestro. The king himself.

My show, Carl's channel. Please call me Carl. Mr. Comedy was my father. It's on for two weeks. It is starting on 5th of April. It's on 8.15 every night at the Imperial Hotel, 7.15 on Sundays. And there's a couple of bonus shows chucked at the European Beer Cafe straight after live podcast,

the last two live podcasts that are run at 5 o'clock. So you can just walk straight downstairs, watch my show straight after a live pod. And they will be particularly fun ones because there'll be all of you freaks there, which it could be because it's such an easy way of seeing it. It's usually bumper with all you blokes. So get along and they'll be good.

All you blokes. This guy knows his audience. Yeah. Yeah. Not for the fairer sex this show. No, no, no.

No, it's heaps of new jokes and heaps of me fucking around being dickhead. Classic crowd working Chando form. So that'll be

heaps of fun. I think that's That's about it Oh yeah look This is one thing I want to bring up We've got to figure this out At some stage Tommy

But the drunk cast People are asking Drunk cast Are we doing the drunk cast So we're going to have to Release some details About that very soon But that

Of course traditionally Is the last night Of the comedy festival We do a late night show On the Sunday night And we have some sort of Qualification What would you call it of qualification to get a ticket. You have to have been to a live show.

You have to have a receipt from one of the live shows. And yeah, we have a bit of an unrecorded dumb cunt fest and it's heaps of fun. So look on the socials. Big chance of that happening

if we get our shit together and actually make it official. So we better get on to that. I believe it's the most COVID-friendly event of the year. Yeah, 100%. I think it started it back in 2019. Yeah, maybe. What else?

What else, Tommy? That's all. That's all. We got to get into the Patreon. Of course, that is where you can support the show if you enjoy listening to it every week. For free, you can put in a little money and as a reward, you can get two bonus episodes every week.

Wowee. Two little mini episodes. We have guests on them. They're always a lot of fun. People always loving them. So go check that out. And also, as part of supporting the show, you can get your name read out in the back end here. Your little name. Your little name read out. And also, as part of supporting the show, you can get your name read out in the back

end here. Your little name. Your little name read out. You could become a giant in podcasting history. You're basically one of us. What if we made Mount Rushmore of Patreon subscribers and it's just this never-ending fucking mountain with all these, not faces, names. Yeah.

Just all over, just chiseled into rock. That would be good. Yeah. We won't do that. Just like at certain schools, how they'll have the board of the previous school captains. We've just got that, but it's like just a whole wall. Yeah. We just keep adding to it.

Yeah. What if we did that where, can we, We're always recording at your house these days. Can we just start writing all the names on your wall now? Absolutely not. Okay, right. This is a rental. Is this a radio rental? Yeah.

I live in a shop that sells fridges and headphones. Mate, you know, I was doing rhyming slang. Okay, all right. Well, let's crack in. Let's warm up the old unplanned title, Alternatum. Keep this fair and square,

of course. No allegations of rigging things in here. No. Thanks to how much work we put into the unrigging of things, I believe it's technically called.

First cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to everyone who subscribes, Tommy. Yeah. Let's have their name read out in history, of course. Oh, we're going to go back through the names we've already done? Let's start from the start.

The last 10 years on Dumb Dumb. Let's do a quick recap. We hate for people to think that we don't appreciate them anymore since reading their name out. Our appreciation has just grown. Yeah. Let's do a hot riff on all of them. Of course, everyone gets to go into the Patreon group that we have on Facebook,

the Millionaires Club. Yep. If they want to. If they want to. That's where we were a little bit more active than the Aware group, if you're in that. That's the freebies group that we just treat with maximum disdain. The Millionaires Club.

Man, we literally suck everyone off in there. Yeah. You get all the hot goss. We went live the other night with Harry and Megan. Yeah. The Millionaire's got that. But the freebies don't get that. We did an interview with Oprah about the patriarchy of comedy.

Yes. Yeah. About how everyone's been holding us back over the years. Exactly. Being racist towards Yes. Yeah. About how everyone's been holding us back over the years. Exactly. Being racist towards us. Yeah. Mistreating us and that's why we decided to knock back the gala this year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When we went to the heads of comedy and said, I'm feeling a bit suicidal and they were like, good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're like, well, we're actually pulling out of the gala. We're pulling out of Roadshow. Yep. We're pulling out of the Super Show. Yep.

And you can't do anything about it. Yeah, we're retiring. We're stepping back from being working comedians. Yeah. We're stepping back from being successful stand-ups. Yep. Yep. Yeah, that's good.

Similar stuff. We should have saved that for the group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First came up off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First come up off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Christopher Godden. Godden. G-O-D-D-E-N.

Bloody duh. Yeah. What do you think? Humble guy or a bit of a cunt? I mean, if he's in any way got a bit of tickets on himself, the fact that he's got God in his surname, I'm sure that gets a big run from it. The fact that he's got a sweet pair of double Ds right in the middle of his surname. Oh, yes. This he's got God in his surname, I'm sure that gets a big run from it. The fact that he's got a sweet pair of double Ds right in the middle of his surname.

Oh, yes. This guy's got it all. Yeah. Yeah. He's got two reasons to be up himself. God really is a woman. Yeah. And if you're God, why not give yourself a whopping great pair right there?

Totally. Yeah. Yeah. What would you... Now, this is something that always plagues me. If you were a girl, imagine. Yeah. End of the question.

No, I'm with you. Yeah, I'm with you so far. Yeah, yeah. And you had... You were one of those people who were blessed in the Chestal region. Yeah. What would you do? How would you play that?

What do you mean? Well, would you be one of those people that gets them out or hides them oh great question um because i mean we we we know what we can see what you've done with your whopping great penis yeah you just i've always got it out you've got the dick cleavage always hanging i'm always wearing low-cut pants um high cut shorts with the balls yeah yeah yeah just cougar written across the crotch region um that's a very good question it's hard to i mean i don't think anyone from just like makes a decision like immediately like here's what i'm going to do with these things yeah obviously they've grown over time and whether you're the sort of person that wants to get them

out or keep them hidden is uh probably of course, your life experience influences that decision. I reckon I'd get up every morning, look in the mirror and just have a big old play with them. But how would you present them to the world? How would I present them to the world? It's intriguing, I think, because it's like you see some people do it and you go, oh, okay, geez, do you want all that attention, I guess? But then you see some people hide it away and then go, you've got a gift.

What are you doing? Not sharing it with the world. I really do. I'd like to think I'd hide them away. It's the classier. You'd like to think that. I'd like to think I'd hide them away. You'd like to think that.

Yeah. I'd like to think I would. Well, that's the thing. Look, people can do whatever they want with their respect to their bodies and their fashion and whatever. But I do think like the, you know, the concealed, the like keeping it hidden and then, you know, down the line if I hook up with someone, it's like,

well, it's a bit of a surprise. I know. You know, there's something to be said for that. Absolutely. But hey, there's also something to be said for like, hey, this is what I've got and this is what I'm going to wear and good for me. Hey, good for anyone. I feel incredibly uncomfortable talking about this.

No, no, no. It's like I'm trying to normalize it. It's the thing that happens. I know. I'm asking you for your personal, I'm not saying what everyone else should do i'm just asking you what you think because no exactly and that's what's making me uncomfortable is that my personal opinion is probably going to be wrong right right well you can't have the wrong opinion well yeah well nice yeah it must be nice yeah yeah no no because it's like you know i i can i

would compare it to you know people that go guys that go to the gym and then want to like really show that they're buff or whatever. In the tank top. Yeah. All the time. Yeah. Regardless of the climate. No sleeves. Fuck the sleeves off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sort of thing. I would say maybe that in my head, that's a fair comparison. So if you're, if you're like a, like a Nazeem Hussain is a guy that, man, he's fucking built. Yeah, yeah. And he, he gets around in a fucking smock. He's fucking built. Yeah, yeah. And he gets around in a fucking smock. He's hiding it. Well, but I guess the difference is that, you know,

with having a big chest, for a female, it would often lead to unwanted attention. Absolutely. Of course. So that's why you're going to keep it hidden. Whereas someone's going to the gym and getting jacked traditionally because they want that attention from people. So to not show it off is weirder in that regard because it's like,

I've done this to improve my body or even just losing weight. Then all of a sudden, like, you have to, like, change clothes because stuff fits differently and you're like, I can fit into stuff that I wanted to wear and couldn't previously. Whereas, yeah, just being God giving you the gift of a pair of big naturals. Not everyone wants that. Yes. Oh, look, very fair.

It's an intriguing question. If we were living in a world where that's all it was, it's just like, hey, great, nice, this looks beautiful. Then, yeah. But it's not that. It's fucking little grubs harassing you nonstop. Yes. Yeah, absolutely.

Talking about you on a podcast yes in a very broad sense yes very broad sense um yeah god i just what would you do in answer to your own question well that's why i'm i don't i don't i'm i'm a bit of an asker of questions that doesn't have the answer oh my god so you put me in the spotlight no i'm just i'm i'm curious i'm curious. I'm curious to know. I think I would like to think that I would be hiding them away. Wow. I would love to think that. I don't. But then again, you know, if you, if you, I'm thinking if you grow up and you get them very early on, maybe you just get used to sort of like, you know, this is who I am.

So this is where they are. They're coming out. This is, not everyone has them, but making the most of them maybe. I don't know. And they look nice. I'm proud of looking nice. Yeah. I do not think you'd keep them hidden at all.

You reckon? Nah. No, absolutely no way. Really? Yeah. I don't think you'd be wearing a shirt most of the time. Yeah, yeah. I've just never had anything to show off, so it's like, it's hard to know.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh, man. I guess it's just a question I guess we'll never know. Maybe one of these frequent trips to Thailand, maybe I'll just get a pair of bolt-ons and just find out. Yeah, exactly. I mean, you're a guy who regularly will talk about gigs you run and go, this is the best gig in the country.

You're telling me if you had a huge set, you wouldn't be wearing a T-shirt that says, these are the fattest pair of tits that anyone's ever had? I'm more saying that to get people in. Well, the same thing applies. Rattling the jug, all that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rattling the jugs.

Yeah, okay. All right, all right. Nice. Okay, well. Thanks, Godden. Thanks, Christopher Godden. Jesus Christ. Hope you appreciate the line of questioning that happened there.

My heart rate's gone up. I think that might be one of the worst conversations that's ever happened on this show. Nah, it's good. It's good. It's interesting. Yeah, look, in private, sure. No. If it wasn't happening into microphones,

I'd be a lot more comfortable with it. There's nothing wrong. Why do you feel ashamed of other people's bodies? You don't need to feel like that. I feel ashamed of my body because the question was specifically about what I would do.

Right, right. There's nothing wrong with that. You know, you can feel a bit weird about it just in case someone else feels, you know, gets offended about it. But it's, you break it down, there's nothing wrong with that. It's very simple.

It's like me saying the same thing about your dick. It's like, there's no problem with that. Right, all right. Let's move on. Okay. Next Patreon subscriber. Thank you very much to Ryan Lahiff. Lahiff.

Now, I don't know whether it's Lahiff. L-A-H-I-F-F. Lahiff. Lahiff. Lahiff. Lahiff. Lahiff. Lahiff.

Lahiff. Lahiff. I reckon it's Lahiff. Surely. Ryan Lahiff. It'd be so funny if it is spelt, like, if I look at it and it's, like, clearly able to be pronounced as laugh. And it's like, that's the last place our brains are going to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've just never seen it. I've just never. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. I'm sure no one's said that word to me. I never knew how to. Laugh.

Laugh. Let's just say it's laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Do you ever remember that show on the ABC called Laugh-a-Bits? No. It was like a really short, like, almost, was it a silent show? It was like a five-minute show that they'd whack in between, like,

the Goodies and Doctor Who or something. Okay. But it was called Laugh-a-Bits, like L-A-F-F-A-Bits. So it was obviously supposed to be like Laugh-a-Bits, but you watch it as a kid and go, why is this show called Laugh-a-f-f-a-bits so it was obviously supposed to be like laughabits but it was all but you watch it as a kid and go why is this show called laughabits why is it am i laughing yeah laughing at this show yeah when did well yeah specifically calling it laughs when did that become prominent yeah who kicked that one off well i guess laugh is such a fucking dumb way of spelling something as well why are you

complicating that would be one of those ones where if you were learning english yes absolutely what the fuck is this word absolutely like you start to learn it and you go why are you putting this in my way is english meant to be one of the hardest languages to learn if you don't speak it yeah i think it is isn't it because there's just so many exceptions to things yeah i but i think every language has that i don't yeah look there's definitely i feel like i read that somewhere once that english has like more exceptions to things than most other languages i could be wrong but but then again there are like you know you're gonna pull that up but then you go okay but in french there's like the masculine and feminine versions of an object. That's true.

You go, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. But maybe the thinking is that that's a bit more consistent. I don't know. I mean, it is crazy when you have like, yeah, we have the letter F, but then you can also use GH to make that sound. Yeah. Why?

Dumb. Absolutely dumb. Absolutely dumb. Let's reboot the English language. I'm more getting into the idea of the feminine objects in French, and I want to fuck a hot chick lamp. Yeah, that's true. Stick my dick in a light bulb.

Isn't it funny to think that most other things in society can at a certain point be dismantled or changed? For example, currencies in different parts of the world have changed, and which places or parts of which country and all that sort of stuff changes. But language, we're never going to go, let's fuck this GH bullshit off and we're just using F from now on. That is the one thing that will never change. Not open to interpretation.

Look, it's interesting having a child now and her learning about things very quickly and you go, fuck, I'm glad that they're such a sponge at that age because, yeah, if you're now trying to figure out GH and stuff like that, like I spent two hours the other night trying to figure out how to work one of those square things

where you just put your credit card on it in front of venues. I tried to set one of them up for two hours and i'm still not sure it works right yeah and i was like and at the end of it i was like my don't say your name was like uh is it so is it working and i go i don't know and she goes well why don't you test it out i'm like i don't want to fucking put my credit card on and get billed money and she she's like, the money's going to you. Good. That's a fantastic point. Like, oh, okay. Yeah.

Yeah. You should have just given it to Blanket to try and set up. Oh, yeah. Because that would be the thing. In about two years' time. Yeah. Like, you know, friends, kids and stuff can just like, you know, a three-year-old can pick up a phone and just like open apps and do shit.

Yeah. It's pretty scary to watch, but hey, handy for you. Yeah. and do shit. Yeah. It's pretty scary to watch, but hey, handy for you. Yeah.

I'm worried about Little Blanket becoming a fucking sociopath, fucking self-obsessed because she sees my phone. I'm videoing her and taking pictures of her all the time. Yeah. And then I'll show her the pictures just to sort of go,

hey, this is you. And now she's like, well, that's all I want from now on. I just want me content. Yeah. Non-stop. Yeah. So she doesn't think of my phone as a phone. She thinks the phone is her name.

So she'll point at the phone and go, blanket. Yeah, yeah. This is funny. I'd be interested to know how many other parents have had this experience. My girlfriend's nephew, he's just over two, and he thinks that his name is you because he's just all he ever hears is people talking at him going oh you you do this oh really do you want that do you want this so he's like when it goes around it's like who's that mom who's that dad and who's this and he'll

he'll like nine times out of ten he'll go you right and i was like yeah that's all he's ever heard in relation to him like that must be and it kind of – it's not a million miles away from the phone thing with Blanket. Like, it must be relatively common where kids for the first, like, couple of years of their life, they just have this absolutely fucked up sense of identity and complete narcissism because it's like, yeah, when they're in a room, yeah, everything's about them. Yeah. Yeah, well, she says her name a lot for no reason. Yeah.

It's a big big her name means a lot of different things yeah and then and she's even got to a point now where on the on the phone i'll show her a picture and she'd be like nah like i've got no time for the i want the good shit she wants the videos yeah so now the photos aren't good enough she's like nah nah she's on she puts her hand on the phone trying to flick them away so she can get to the photos see i always videos i i kind of have always found it weird that young kids can even look at a phone and sort of make sense of the fact that it's an image. You know what I mean?

I always had in my head that they'd be like dogs where it's like, if a dog sees another dog on the TV, it doesn't necessarily go nuts. You see some videos, but it's not automatically like, hey, that's you. Or seeing the reflection, it's not like they're automatically like, fuck, what the fuck is that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. The kid's just immediately from one. It's like, yeah, here we go. I'm swiping.

I'm watching the videos. I'm laughing. This is great. Yeah. Yeah, so she's loving it. She's absolutely self-obsessed. Having a few laughs. Yes, having a few lay hips.

Ryan Lay Hiff. What nationality do you reckon? What, what nationality do you reckon Layhiff is? Um, I, I couldn't even begin to speculate. I don't know either. I mean, I'm going to go with, I'm going to go with German just because it's just clunky and weird. Mm.

And that's, that's, that's, that's the German people. That's Germany. That's classic. Mm. And that's Germany. That's the German people. That's Germany. That's classic. That's my guess. All right. Well, thanks, Ryan. Leif, let me know.

Let me know if I got it right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Mick Gregan. Nice. That is a rough name. It's close, but it's, yeah. It's a rough name. Yeah. That is a rough name. It's close, but it's, yeah. It's a rough name. Yeah. That is a guy.

You know, look, I think sometimes names can determine what you do in life. I'm pretty sure this cunt didn't come up with a vaccine. Ooh, Mick Gregan. Huge call. Professor Mick Gregan invented the vaccine. I don't think so. The Grogan vaccine. I think this guy changed someone's flat tire.

That's what he did. Yeah. And hey, not to knock it. No. But I'm just saying. I mean, once we're all vaccinated, in a couple of years' time, you know, when things are sort of back to normal,

you know, everyone's going to have forgotten about those cunts anyway. But flat tires, they're going to be there forever. They're forever. The COVID-19 will cease to exist pretty soon. Yeah, we never got a vaccine for flat tires. That's one of the things that's always around.

I was doing a gig the other night and a guy on stage multiple times referred to it as COVID-9. And you just felt everyone in the room go, how can you get that wrong? Like a slip of the tongue is what it's like. How can you possibly get that wrong after a full year of hearing it? I reckon minimum four times a day. Just either seeing it in print or hearing someone say it to you.

COVID-9. I like the idea that he just thinks it's an abbreviation of 19. I'm just going to call it 9 as an abbreviation. No, that means a different thing, you fuckhead. Yep, yep, yep. COVID-9. COVID-9.

Fuck, what if that pops its head out now? 19. Yeah, sure, we vaccinated for 19. But what about nine? The earliest, stronger sibling that just lay dormant for a year and now it's going to jump out.

It does make you wonder, like, are there other things like that that are just kind of floating around that, you know, they haven't categorised yet that aren't as, you know, serious or as much of a problem. So they haven't quite got the potential to shut the world down in the same way but they're just kind of out there undiscovered. You know, some little, just some minor little bug

just working its way through the world. Well, that's the next thing. The thing is that people go, oh, yeah, look, this sort of thing will happen again probably pretty soon. It's like, cool. Can't wait for that to happen where people just go, no, I'm just sick of wearing masks. Yeah. We already did that. Yeah, but you don't understand.

This is a different one. Nah, we did it. Yeah. I mean, there's been a lot of talk about how like now that it's happened once it's like well look if and when this happens again the infrastructure's all there we've been through it you know everyone around the world like all the leaders can probably admit that they took too long to act and that they should have clamped down on it sooner but if it happened again there's no way that we would have learned from those mistakes yeah it'll be the same fucking dilly-dallying and dicking around

and cancelling the comedy festival two days before it starts. We'll still be up there doing live podcasts like, yeah, this is a bit funny, isn't it? Mick Gregan. Mick Grogan. But hey, thanks for all your service fixing flat tyres and the like. When was the last time you had a flat? I, very recently, went to the servo and pumped my tyres up for the first time ever.

Wow. I've never done it. My car was in the garage and I took great pleasure in telling a friend of the show, Brett Blake What was happening Yep Hit him up to go I just went and pumped my tyres up

I've never done it before And I put it off for so long Because I was like I don't even fucking know how to do it And then I went to do it And went oh this is easy Pumped them up And went

Said to Blake He sent him a message Going I just pumped my tyres up I'm a big boy now I reckon I can fucking do anything I reckon I could work for Ferrari now Yeah Look at me Yeah And then he's like How did you pump them them up i'm like i don't know just chuck the thing on the

thing and then hit go it's like yeah but what was the pressure that you need to do on the tires i'm like i fucking don't know i just pumped it until they weren't sagging at the bottom anymore and he's like you fucking idiot yeah now i'm fucking madder than what i was before when you didn't know how to pump tires up i'm like i don't know well i'm driving now so who cares yeah i'm with him even i knew that it is because you would think like yeah just get him up to just get him up to max yeah and then they're gonna slowly deplete it it's like a battery you know i want my phone 100 i'm good to go yeah but no so i had the opposite experience recently i was at my parents house and uh while i was there talking to mom dad took my keys and went and let some of the air out

of my tires oh because he was like they were too full i looked at the pressure too full all right so i just took him down the road fucking let some of the air out oh wow i'm like what do you mean you fucking let some of the air out he's like you don't have them full i'm like yeah he just did this without me knowing just stole my car and let the fucking air out. Just, just, I love that. He literally let the air out of your tires. Yeah. In both ways. Exactly.

Yeah. Wow. He can't help himself though. He's a big meddler. Loves a medal. Right. I, to be honest, meeting your dad, I wouldn't pick him as being like that with cars. Like Mick, Mick Regan.

Yes. But your dad, when you meet a guy with a bow tie, you don't think Grease Monkey. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't think Rev Head. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no. Surprising.

Yeah, but he is. He's a massive redhead. Yeah. Frequently discussed on the show. Did you say redhead or revhead? Revhead. Oh, I thought you said he's a massive redhead. Fuck, he's kept that quiet as well.

Yeah, he started dying his hair. He did have, yeah, it was only like a couple of years ago that he let go of the big Just For Men box in the bathroom. Oh, okay. Dyeing his hair black. Yeah, right. A bit, felt a bit self-conscious about being grey. But I think, I don't know, when you're probably like getting over 70, you're like, who am

I fooling? Exactly. What is the point in keeping up this charade? Well, it's a bit that Paul McCartney where you see he's let go of it now and you go, oh, okay. He's kept the hair long, but when he had the black hair, it's like, oh, dude, you look like you've sort of put a wig on a prune. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You haven't done any work on the face. I mean, the dream is the grey starts coming in and you just realise. I mean, I think probably the best example of a friend of the show, Silver Fox, would be Sean McAuliffe. Oh, yeah. You see photos of him now when he was younger and not grey, and he looks weird. Yeah.

I think the grey suits him so well. Yeah. You'd like to think he didn't have a complete mental breakdown when he hit grey at fucking 30 or whatever he did. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. But also the good thing about that is, is that if you're like a Steve Martin and you've got that grey white hair or whatever, you look the same age for about 40 years.

Yes, absolutely. You don't age. Who do you think we know in comedy that's dying their hair? That is dying their hair? Yeah. That's a great question because I'm not super observant. But I mean, look, you know,

listener and great friend of the show, Will Anderson, I assume he was because all of a sudden he wasn't, all of a sudden overnight he had grey hair. Another good example, in the Sean McAuliffe category. Another good example of looks,

I reckon looks great with his grey hair. I mean, look, honestly, this is coming from a man who, you know, started losing his hair in his mid-twenties. So people freaking out about his grey hair. I mean, look, honestly, this is coming from a man who, you know, started losing his hair in his mid-twenties. So people freaking out about going grey, it's like, yeah, what's the fucking big deal? Just go grey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I'd fucking kill that to be my biggest hair-related concern. Sure. Yeah, look, I think he looks fine with both of them. So I don't think there's much of a difference. He's not going to fuck you, mate. He's... I think he's beautiful inside and out, honestly. Look, that shows how little I understand about that side of it in that he was, I mean, I guess, obviously, dying his hair a bit

and I didn't realise. Right, right. So I'm not a great judge, but it's a great question. I'd like to have a guess. It's just basically, you know what, it wouldn't shock me. People would have said that about Dave O'Neill. That's what I was about to say. It wouldn't shock me to find out that Dave O'Neill's juicing.

Yeah. Because he's, what's Dave? He's like 50s. Mid-50s. Mid-50s. And I don't think I've... Got a good head of hair. Got a great head of hair but you know

not seen any greys on there oh no no there are now okay alright he's got some now alright alright he's also not a guy with enough ego

I would think to feel like he has to die not to say that you necessarily have to have ego to do it but I just can't see Dave as worrying about that I don't know

I don't know because I you know what you know this is talking out of school and Dave's a great guy I talk to him all the time and very helpful and everything.

But he's got that thing, that thing about being in showbiz where I think in general you get a bit older in life and you're not quite as maybe selfish or you're not quite as passionate or whatever. You're happy to sort of help the younger generation and stuff like that. I think Dave is still very much a man of like making sure he gets his okay like in terms of getting on tv and getting this and getting that it's not like i'll pass on to someone else and that's not a criticism at all what's this got to do with dying his hair no no but i think you're saying he's got no ego i'm like i think showbiz he does have an ego oh right okay yeah i mean i

think they're kind of separate things but then now that you mentioned it, he does have an ego. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I think they're kind of separate things. But then now that you mentioned it, that he does have a couple of greys. Like, yeah. I mean, but hey, maybe that's just throwing us off the scent. It's like, you know what? I'll die 90% of the head and just leave these couple here just to throw them off the scent. That's a great idea. It's pretty smart.

That's a great idea. You should do that. Just for men should make a new mixture. That's just like a little rainbow swirl where it's pretty smart that's a great idea you should do that just for men should make a new mixture that's just like a little rainbow swirl where it's just got we're just gonna leave a couple in the mix i always think of like fucking you know as a kid green lantern the he he had that oh yeah he had the white bit on the side of his head and then normal up top which i was always a bit like surely that fucking doesn't help your secret identity, because it's a pretty distinctive sort of way your hair looks. Yeah.

You've got the white. You don't see that heaps anymore, do you? Like, just the... What do you call it? The white strip along the side. The white strip above your ear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A white strip above your ear.

Yep. And then normal up top. You don't see that heaps anymore. It's a very professor type look. Yeah. People just start going grey in like one part of their head. It's a distinguished looking. It's not a look that Mick Gregan would have, I don't think.

That's it. I mean, I can understand dyeing your hair before, like if just part of it is grey and it kind of looks a bit silly only having like, you know, one bit of it. If it's in a weird part of the head too, I can understand dyeing it to just be like look once this is all done then i'm ready to just you know let it go and be all gray yeah all right i've got a new all right i've got a new contender that i think you're going to agree oh great yeah and again another friend of the show and listener

here we go okay i don't know i hate to say it. Yeah. Josh Earl. Oh! Well, he's a... Yeah, look. It would not shock me to find out that there's gallons of Just For Men under the sink. It would not shock me either, actually. As lovely of a man Josh Earl is, I do believe he is a little bit vain. I wouldn't... I mean, I don't know that I'd go that far.

Well, I mean, look. If he's listening to this in between the 17 photo shoots he has of himself a year, you know, he can argue with me. Well, hey, that's why he's got to dye the hair because he's doing a lot of photo shoots. Yeah. I just wanted to name someone specifically that I know. I wanted to make this allegation about someone that I know listens

because now he's got a chance to respond. Yes. Great. Perfect. Yeah. And look, a great pick. And a to respond. Yes. Great. Perfect. Yeah. And look, a great pick. And a great ad for the millionaire group. Get in there.

And I believe Josh is in there. And that's probably where we'll break the exclusive. He ain't in there. He ain't in there? No, no, no. Okay. Well, DM us, Josh, and we'll post the result in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If you want to find out whether or not Josh dyes his hair. Yeah. And then get into the millionaire group. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Okay. No, that his hair. Yeah. And then get into the millionaire group. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Okay. Now that's interesting.

It's very interesting. That's a great... That's a great... Maybe that's a better way... If people don't want the bonus episodes, that's a better way we can plug the Patreon, the millionaire group. Every week we just slander someone.

Yes. And we give them a chance to defend themselves and we go, you're only going to get the answer in the millionaire group. We reveal a secret about a guest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Not from the guest. We just decide what the secret is. Yeah, we just make a baseless allegation every week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Okay. Looking forward to knowing about that. Thanks, Mick Gregan.

Thanks, Mick. Yeah, look, my car needs a service. So if you're anywhere close to the Hawthorne region, absolutely happy to bring the Beamer in to you. I went to the car wash for the first time in my life yesterday. Really? Yeah. Never had a car that I gave a fuck about whether it was clean or not.

And yeah, went through the big automatic one. My girlfriend's like a big fan of the car wash. She was fucking loving it. I was terrified. Right, right, right. Fuck, it's fucking it. Really? I was terrified. Right, right, right. Fuck, it's fucking scary. Really? Yeah, it's like jets like going up the fucking roof and stuff, like lights are flashing.

Man, I thought I was having a breakdown. I might have to do it. I don't think I've ever done it either. I'd like it now more the second, now that I know what's coming. But yeah, I was really pretty panicked. Maybe we should have a, maybe we should go in one together. Let's race.

Thanks, Mickey. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Geordie O'Brien. Oh boy. Yeah. Geordie, J-O-R-D-Y? Y, yes. Not the sort of name I would give a child but anyway, that's just me.

That's just you. That's just you. That's just me. Geordie O'Brien. O'Brien of the dynasty. The Windscreens O'Brien. Oh, yeah. Do you reckon he'd get that as a nickname? Windscreens?

I hope so. That is a great nickname. If we kick it off, Windscreens. If he doesn't get that as a nickname, that's a shame. And that's not like something... He probably cops that already. Yeah. Because that's such a funny brand name already.

Winscreens O'Brien. Winscreens O'Brien. Do they still exist? I haven't heard of them for a very long time. As you said that, I'm like, yes. I haven't heard of them. Oh, O'Brien. I didn't know it was called Winscreens O'Brien.

I thought it was just called O'Briens. No. Okay. Winscreens O'Brien. Here we go. I'm looking heard either. Oh, O'Brien. I didn't know it was called Windscreens O'Brien. I thought it was just called O'Briens. No. Okay. Windscreens O'Brien. Here we go. I'm looking it up. Windscreen. Oh, they may not exist anymore.

I don't reckon they exist anymore. Wow. You know what? They are called O'Brien now. There you go. You're right. They've changed their name. They got the Windscreens out.

They've started diversifying. Like how JB and Hi-Fi sell like fucking bags for popcorn and shit now. Yes, exactly. They've just got everything. They've become a Jim's Mowing sort of a thing. So it's one of those things where it's like just handkerchiefs and more. And it's like you walk in, it's like there's fucking everything in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the and more. You know what I saw a lot of last night, speaking of like advertisements and brands and stuff like that? I was watching the Prince Harry and Meghan interview. Right. And- I'm just trying to go back and find like-

When they changed? Yeah, just trying to find any mention of it being called Winscreens. They've fucking gone deep on the internet and just wiped everything. Oh, wow. I can't even find anything that says Winscreens O'Brien, they've fucking gone deep on the internet and just wiped everything. Oh, wow. I can't even find anything that says Winscreens O'Brien. Maybe they did something kind of dodgy at a party. Yeah. They don't want to get cancelled.

Right, they just changed their name. Yeah. All right, okay. But, like, just a – look, good on them for changing their name. Is this going to be like a – what's it called? The Mandela effect kind of thing? Yeah. Okay. But, like, just a... Look, good on them for changing the name. Is this going to be like a... What's it called? The Mandela effect kind of thing? Yeah.

Where... Is this going to be a thing where most... Because I'm... I only ever remember it being O'Brien's. Is this going to be a thing where half our listeners are like, no, it was Winscreen's O'Brien and the other half are like, it's never been Winscreen's O'Brien. It's always been O'Brien.

Anyone close to my age will be Winscreen's O'Brien. I can't believe they fucking changed it. But you can't even find evidence of it ever being Winscreen's O'Brien. It's always been O'Brien. Anyone close to my age will be Winscreens O'Brien. I can't believe they fucking changed it. But you can't even find evidence of it ever being Winscreens O'Brien. There's like, there's one, I found one little tiny really shitty graphic

that, you know, potentially I made up. But I always thought that's such a funny name because it's like the name of a person. Oh, you know, have you met Winscreens O'Brien? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting first name. Yeah, first name yeah yeah it's good yeah so maybe this guy depending on this

guy's name or age maybe he was born windscreens and he's changed his name to geordie oh or her yeah yeah geordie can be a girl's name so maybe can i be yeah um well if this guy's of a certain age he could possibly have had the nickname windscreens. But if not, then he's going to be like, what the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. But I say, bring it back. If I was him slash her, that's the beauty of the nickname Windscreens. It doesn't matter what gender it is. Yeah.

I'd be taking it on now. I'd be listening to this and going, Matt, do you reckon there's... Actually, do you reckon there's anyone who's had this experience where, you know, we'll often... We'll get a name and we'll go, you know, you fucking – you would have copped this at school, da-da-da, and we'll riff on it. And potentially they never have. They've never heard it in their life.

But if they then try to get the nickname going for themselves, right, and people are like, where'd that come from? And they're like, oh, two people I don't know called me on a podcast that I subscribe to. Anyone trying to get a nickname going off the back of what we've done to them on this, let us know. And look, potentially, Winscreens could be the first. All right. So, I'm looking up Winscreens himself right now. Yep.

And I would say he is possibly of an age where maybe he doesn't know Winscreens O'Brien. Okay. He might be... He's more of an o'brien's i reckon he's younger than you by the look of it he's younger than you so i reckon possibly not but looking at him i am quite happy in saying that you'd fuck him know that i he could get away with being called windinscreens over on. He looks like a Winscreens to me. He looks like a Winscreens. If you introduce me to him... I love that it's Winscreens plural.

Yeah, yeah. That's such a better nickname. It's so good. Yeah. Winscreens. Winscreens. Oh, Winscreens. You know what?

It's sort of got shades of like a standover man in a Guy Ritchie film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, a Winscreens. film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, or windscreens. Yeah. Yeah, I'm more than happy. He's never, I'm just looking at it, he's in the Millionaires group and he's never posted in there.

Oh, wow. So I'm happy to learn. I think the first one's coming up. Yep. It's about to make his debut in there. Absolutely. So happy for him to only answer to windscreens in that group. Yep, yep.

Do you think this is going to be a thing where he changes his name on Facebook now? I think he should, absolutely. Geordie Danger O'Brien. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Geordie Sex Yes Please O'Brien. Is that a thing? I don't know. Old windscreens.

That's a great name. Man, I would love that. I would love that as a nickname. Windscreens. Well, we've got to hear. Let us know. This can be the second piece of hot goss in what is very fast turning into the woman's day of Facebook.

The page seven, or whatever they call it. Yep, yep. The aware group's page three. Page three. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great. Yeah, we'll find out, does Josh Earl dye his hair, and has Geordie ever been known as windscreens?

And if not, is he going to start now? Is he going to start the long journey to just stopping just calling friends and family hey i've got something to tell you i've been of you know i've i've realized like i'm i'm i'm not who i thought i was for my whole life and they're bracing themselves for getting rid of my slave name yeah they're bracing themselves for him to come out as trans and he's like, please from now on call me windscreens. Yeah. Why?

I remember when windscreens O'Brien. Oh, you mean O'Brien. No, before that. No, not really. Yeah. Okay, well, I'm that. I'm that. I'm a windscreen.

Yeah. I'm several windscreens. Yep. Yep. Yeah. They, them, windscreens. Great. Yeah,reens. Great. Yeah, yeah.

Great. Please don't call me windscreen. My pronoun... I identify as multiple windscreens. Yeah, my pronoun is those windscreens. Please. Is that like I've got such low self-respect? I've got such low self-esteem.

I'm not a they, them. I'm a that. Yeah. Oh, great. Well, thanks, windscreens. Thanks, windscreens. Okay. Let's just do one more.

We've got plenty of shit to do. Yeah. We're going to get through this. Edit this ep that people just heard. Yeah. Oh, wow. Is that how that works? All right.

One more. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, that's interesting. What? Just the name of this subscriber. Oh, that's interesting. What? Just the name of this person. Oh, what is it? What's interesting about it? Oh, it just reminds me of an earlier time.

Oh. An earlier time. Like how much earlier? I don't know. How much earlier do you want? Oh, like, I mean, I think, you know, the last couple of minutes would probably do it. Oh, you reckon?

That's what I would have assumed. Okay. I was thinking maybe before that. You were thinking further back. Yeah. Right. But like what, for example? Well, I guess I'll just say it.

What is there that's that memorable? Thank you very much, Sebastian, as a subscriber. Big boobs comedy. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah yeah yeah yeah firmly lodged in the old memory bank yeah i'd be shocked if we haven't read that one out half a dozen times before at least seems like the sort of thing that would have come up in the past um let me let let me. There's been Big Ben comedy. There's been Big Dick comedy. Yep, yep. There's been Big Fat Idiot comedy.

Yep. Oh, you're right. There has been. Yep, I knew it. I knew it. No, it's like you said. It reminds you of something from earlier, just a few months ago. And there's been Big Bouncing Bazoombas comedy.

Yep, yep. Big Glenn comedy? Yep. Fucking hell. Okay, all right. Yep, yep. Big Glenn comedy? Yep. Fucking hell. Okay, all right. Well, look, this bloke's already had his name read out, so let's just go with the next one. Oh, there he is.

Winscreen's comedy. There we go. Very nice. Very, very nice. Thanks, Winscreen's. Well, we did six this week. Thanks very much, everyone who supports the show on Patreon. Fucking hell.

Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. If you want to get the two bonus episodes every week and support the show, we really Fucking hell. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. If you want to get the two bonus episodes every week and support the show, we really, really appreciate it. Thanks very much for listening

and we will see you next time. See you, mate. See you, windscreens.