The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 547 - Daniel Sloss & Tom Ballard

Episode Date: March 23, 2021

This week we've got two guests from either side of hotel quarantine: DANIEL SLOSS and TOM BALLARD! Sloss is about to quarantine for two weeks so that he can feed his ego by doing comedy on the Gold Coast. Meanwhile, Tom has just returned from quarantining in New Zealand so he gives Sloss as many tips as he can - nearly all of which are about self pleasure. We also get pumped up for our impending pop-up burger restaurant, reminisce about previous Drunkcasts PLUS Sloss drops a massive bombshell of a yarn on us about his fiancé!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Daniel Sloss and Tom Ballard. This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by friend of the show, Greg Larson, and his show, This Might Not Be Hell, it is on at the Melbourne Town Hall from now until April the 18th. Go and check out our good friend, Geggy. It's a little play that he's written. It's a little piece of theatre. It is peak Gag Larson. It's not just, you know, who wants to hear the man himself? He's doing a bit of character stuff, which is what you want. You want him pretending to be someone fucked in the head. Exactly.

That's what you want. That's peak Gag. You've gotten tons of little previews of that on this show over the years. And, yeah, always good stuff. Greg's one of these people that is on the show a fair bit. You know him, you love him, so do the right thing this festival season. Get out and see Little Geggy. That's in Melbourne, of course.

Of course, that's where we're doing live podcasts very soon. We're doing four of them, March 27, April 3, April 10, April 17, nearly completely sold out in Melbourne. Get onto our website, littledominomclub.com, to find out where the last little tickies are, if you can get part of that. And if you've done that, you might be able to come to the Drunk Cast,

of course, that is, I'm, you know, sort of, I guess, finally, officially announcing now,

which I think is on April 18, Tommy. So you'll find out all about that on the socials. You can email about that if you're a ticket holder to any of the Melbourne Live podcasts. And then we've got our solo shows. My show is called Carl's Channel. Please call me Carl.

Mr. Comedy was my father. And that starts on the 5th of April. It's at the Imperial Hotel. It's on 8.15 every night for two weeks. It's all of my newest jokes. There's about 150 jokes within the show. So if you like a lot of short jokes and me fucking around and losing my fucking mind at the audience, then you're in for a treat. My show, Tommy Dasolo Meatball, starts on March the 30th, so very, very soon.

7.30pm at the Cooper's Inn. Six shows only. Selling pretty well already, so get in. Would love to see a bunch of you guys there. Shaping up to be a lot of fun. A lot of stupid shit in there. Yeah, get on to littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets to all that stuff, and tickets to the aforementioned Greg Larson can be found at comedy.com.au.

We are going to talk to you more at the end of the episode, but until then, enjoy this new one with Daniel Sloss and Tom Ballard. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Hey dickhead. And joining us today we have two Very special guests Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club Tom Ballard and Daniel Sloss

Yay Yes And another bonus little guest That we miss very much, Zoom Welcome back Zoom Yeah you guys have much Have you just been doing like face to face Fucking podcast like There's not a global pandemic on Yeah, you guys have much just... We are zooming Tom Ballard in. Have you just been doing face-to-face fucking podcasts

like there's not a global pandemic on? Yeah, we've been doing face-to-face fucking podcasts. We've launched a new one. Things are going so well here that we're just spitting into each other's mouths at the end of each recording. Yeah, we're allowed to bear back now. It's pretty cool.

Here's a question. Seeing as you're all a bunch of, obviously, libtard cucks, is it really hard to accept that your government did a really fucking good job of this

the fact that you're now is it really hard to admit that they actually kind of did well and your economy's open does that suck to fucking admit no

we'll let Tom field this one yeah yeah exactly yeah me and Tommy aren't sure who's in power at the moment so so Ballard can answer that you said cucks is that the moment. So, I don't know if I can answer that.

You said cucks. Is that the name of the party that's running the country? I'd vote for that. That sounds pretty cool. The six colonies were federated in January the 1st, 1901. And you really need to know about the consideration process in order to have a foot... No, they're all still cunts, all right?

They just did all the left-wing things, and that's why they won, so they were cheating. So, how about that? Oh. So, you're angry they did left-wing things and that's why they won, so they were cheating. So how about that? So you're angry they did left-wing things? I'm angry that they'll probably get elected in the next fucking election because the Australian left is so fucking bullshit.

But at least when they get re-elected, they get re-elected because they arguably did a good job. Our government said to our faces on camera, they were like, if 20,000 people die, it'll be a disaster. And we've just surpassed 135,000. And more than 60% of fucking England is like, wow, we fucking nailed it. Oh my God.

Bob Bojo's the fucking goat, man. This is so, my gran's dead. I'm not fucking goat, man. This is so... My gran's dead. I'm not allowed in McDonald's. What more do we fucking want? I'm going to swap those two priorities around the other way, but whatever. They said it couldn't be done. Well, congrats, man.

You must be stoked. Yeah. Huge. You're in such a bad position that this is your hour of exercise right now talking to us cunts in Australia. Yeah. This is the hour of exercise right now, talking to us cunts in Australia. Yeah, yeah. This is the highlight of your fucking day. Yeah, I'll have a two-minute fucking ab workout during this laughing at my own jokes.

So, yeah, you are about to get on a plane and come to the promised land, a land of gigs and opportunities. You are one of basically the only people in the world to be attempting this we just had russell howard in the country but uh yeah i think you're the only other person to uh to uh be that desperate for attention from a crowd and you are not fucking wrong man it's amazing it's amazing it's amazing what a lack of audience does to a man who has spent 12 years of his life running on ego. Fucking. Let me just say this right now.

Being humble fucking sucks. And I don't know why the rest of you do it. It's fucking painful. Well, it's mainly due to our lack of ability. We can't really get around it. It's amazing you didn't go to New Zealand for RuPaul's Drag Race with this fucking ego queen fucking bullshit you put out. The sausage roll, yeah.

I would say, Sloss, take your time. I mean, I just bombed in front of 13 people last Tuesday, so, you know, not having gigs is not the worst thing in the world. Yeah, that's the new normal for us. Car bombing. Nature is healing. We're getting back together. I drove two hours to Bendigo last night to do a very average gig

in the car on the darkened freeway just fearing for my life as trucks bear down on me having done a very average 20 minutes getting home after midnight thinking god I've missed this this is what it's all about this is what I was praying for in lockdown I miss that man I miss watching pensioners

just whisper to each other is he really going to say cunt again? It's just excessive. It's just excessive. Got to Bendigo, went to the Thai restaurant there, had a dish on the menu called a pad satay. Doesn't exist. They've just made it up.

They've just bought too much peanut sauce and gone, let's just chuck that on some rice noodles. Yeah, they've actually seen that the two most popular dishes are like the satay chicken and the pad thai and go, why don't we fucking just put them together? Fusion. Yeah, that's Bendigo Fusion.

Bendigo Fusion. Yeah, exactly. This is what travel's all about. It's what we've missed. But also, you're about to fly over here, Daniel. From Ireland. From your hometown of Ireland. Happy St. Patrick's Day for's all about, you know. It's what we've missed. But also, you're about to fly over here, Daniel. From Ireland. From your hometown of Ireland. Yeah, happy St. Patrick's Day for the other day, by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope the capital, Ireland City, I hope it went off over there. Did you get an extra hour outside to look for four-leaf clovers and kiss a shamrock or whatever you do? Yeah. And that explains why you're very green with envy over all of our freedom over here as well, Daniel. Hey, freedom's the only thing

that my people actually fucking love. We might not want the freedom, but we claim to love it in movies. No, but you are about to head over here and about to do two weeks of quarantine in Australia, which begs the question, why didn't we just fucking do it when you're in quarantine

rather than when you've got freedom now? I have no idea. Like, it blew my fucking mind that they were like, so the Dum Dum Clubs are going to run, the guys are going to run home after their gigs for the time difference. We need you to be in your office at 12. I'm like, but I'm there in five fucking days.

Does that not make more sense to wait? But I think... Yeah, didn't want to rock the boat because we did need an episode for the week. But like, yeah, fucking hell, we're going to wrap this up at like 1230 at night. I don't know why. I think it's because my agent is there's nothing else to do. There's literally it's either this or do more damage to my body. Yeah, right. Well, we got told I was corresponding with your tour manager today

who set this up, and he said, oh, Daniel's really excited about doing it because he's been doing a lot of press for the tour so far, and he's a bit sick of having to talk to journalists who he doesn't know who are just asking the same boring questions. So he's excited to be on the air with you guys. So let's get straight into it. Daniel Sloss, where do you get your ideas from? Oh, boy, man, the amount of fucking dish.

I don't know. I've had an office built during the pandemic in my garden because I thought that'll encourage me to, like, work. If I've got, like, an office space that's separate from my house, I'll actually, you know, maybe I'll'll write a sitcom maybe i'll write a screenplay and let me tell you this new masturbatorium is absolutely wonderful there's a lock on the inside my girlfriend doesn't have a key it's wonderful it's so good it's it's got frosted windows it didn't have frosted windows to start with but uh

yeah yeah that wall we can see behind you is white. Shudder to think what colour it was when you first built it. What is the difference between you jacking off and writing your own sitcom? I enjoy jacking off. There's more character development than jacking off. Here's the answer. The BBC has never ruined one of my wanks.

I don't know about that. I can see that maybe potentially happening. You know, you're looking at the monitor and then an ad pops up for, I don't know, Graham Norton or something. If you want to start pulling your dick now, we can give you notes. I have a question, right? And I'd be no offence no offense by this but look i enjoy being on the podcast but i never listen to it unless i'm on it um absolutely whose cock was it oh right

yes yeah well this is going to be very disappointing because i'll i will be amazed if you know hang on so it's a you're talking about the last time you were on, we were talking about who the suspects were for the Mars Pega. Yes. That was like months and months ago. So we were all, it was all jazzed up like it could be anyone. A lot of people were guessing that it might have been you, Daniel Sloss, and we were going to see an absolute Grand Canyon open up in Tommy Daslow's butthole, but it was not.

We can rule that out now. Now, yeah, it was Nick Carr. There's the look of disappointment on Daniel Slosser's face. When you said Nick Carr, I got so excited. Oh, man. I was like, he fucking what? He fucking what? That's the only way we can say it without having to bleep it out later.

We've made up a person with that name. No, that's legitimately. You know, we've never talked about that on this show. With good reason. We have a friend called that. And he's from Queensland, which makes me think at least that his parents deliberately named him that to get away with it. Yeah.

Because they all want to say it in Queensland. Just a free pass. Yeah. So Nick Carr, comedian from... Wow, that's very enunciated now, isn't it? Yeah, now I'm really overthinking it. Comedian from Brisbane. He looks like if you plugged a bike pump into Ronald Weasley and just pumped for months just to

expand. But not as funny as that. I'm Googling him and I mean when you Google someone's name and it just gives up their Twitter, that's not a great sign. And that's not even him!

Instead of did you mean, is it saying, surely you must have meant... Did you mean Nick Cody? We know you Google his name a lot anyway. So, yeah, you are coming out here to do the two-week quarantine. Now, we have the other guest on the show is, at this point, something of a stalwart of the hotel quarantine. You've just done a stint in New Zealand and one on the way back?

No, I missed on the way back, yes. Thank Christ, yes. No, we did two weeks going over to New Zealand. And, yeah, New Zealand, I think you might be in for a bit of a shit time, from what I can tell. Australian quarantine, not so much. But New Zealand quarantine is like they're all lovely people and the messages they give you, half of it's in Maori From what I can tell, Australian quarantine, not so much. But New Zealand quarantine is like, they're all lovely people.

And the messages they give you, half of it's in Maori. And they'd ran Zoom classes and stuff. And it was a kind of wholesome experience. We were allowed out of the room like every second hour. Wow. In New Zealand quarantine. But the Australian is not like that? Apparently not like that, no. Harley Breen, who did the same thing as me, came back and has gone into hotel quarantine.

And is losing his fucking mind. Yeah, he's just in a kind of uh hotel room if you don't have a balcony then yeah where are my fucking mary lessons so yeah any advice you can impart to uh to sloss based on your recent no no here's here's here's the real question tom ballard how many wanks do i have to beat your record like what that's the fucking how many did you get in that's a very good question i had two beds in the room i had in new zealand so you know you like to do one at each. I like to share it around every day. The office. Wow. You really went on tour.

Not that you'll get this reference, Dom, but is it kind of like if you're playing with a girl's boobs, you want to play with both of them equally in case the other one gets jealous. You want to make sure you're masturbating in both beds less the other one. You're right. I have no idea what you're talking about.

My brain simply cannot compute this concept. You, Sloss, they don't teach the word boob in gay school. Come on. You know when you're playing with a girl's boobs and just masturbating at the same time as well? How often do you do it? No, look.

Boobs are for us, but holes are for you guys. That's the pact we made when you guys were invented. Remember? Yeah, that's the pact Adam made with the snake back in the Gardner bean. I'll take the arse. Just the arse for me, thanks. So you've got two beds, so you've got the workbench and you've got the rec room.

Sure, if you want to mix it up, if you want to get a little bit kinky and shit, then you go into the second bed. That's the nine to five, five days a week, and then you've got your weekend. Sure, yes. Go to the holiday home, bus one out over there. It's Friday night, I'm going to the club.

I go to the bed next door, and I'm going to meet meet someone and really get pretty freaking do you generally have any advice i mean i'm not worried because i've been in lockdown since fucking january last year like i can easily stay in a room and play computer games the entire time i think i'll be fine but is there anything you'd is it worth is it worth working out everyone's like do a workout every day i'm like fucking for who like well yeah i was the same that was the same i was like nah i'm gonna you know what i'm gonna take a break from the sketch i'm gonna just and then you went into quarantine yeah i did that about 2005 um and so i'm actually prepared For the pandemic pretty well I've been not exercising for years

You know Yes Do whatever I don't give a shit Do whatever you like You little Irish fucker Yeah I mean They might let you out

It depends what kind of There's sometimes you're let out To walk around the car park Which makes you feel more crazy than you already are. Here's the thing I'm interested in. So did you do like a 12, 14-day quarantine? Is that how long it goes for? Yes.

What's the day where you hit the wall? Oh, great question. Day 10 for me was like, oh, yeah. Right. This is fucked up. It's just because every day, it is Groundhog Day. Like every day is literally the same. Yeah.

The meals come, dinner came at about 5.45. So you felt like, yeah, this was... It was like that Buffy the Vampire Slayer episode where she wakes up in the mental asylum and there's all a figment of her imagination. It was like that. Right, yeah. Relatable? No.

Carl's favourite show. I've never seen it. It's just like everything happens at exactly the same time and you can't differentiate between the weekends and the weekdays. But yeah, day 10 for me, I was like, yeah, I've got seen it. It's just like everything happens at exactly the same time and you can't differentiate between the weekends and the weekdays. But yeah, day 10 for me, I was like, yeah, I've got to get out. Are you going in with a plan, Sloss? Have you got like a, you know, are you going to finally write that sitcom? Have you got anything lined up?

No, I'm taking over my Xbox because obviously, and I'm taking over my computer. And you know what? I'm just, I've spoken to so over my computer and you know what I'm just I've spoken to so many people like oh you know it's good to have like a schedule you wake up you meditate you do this shit and I'm just gonna fucking I'm just gonna slum it I'm just gonna be a

slob who gives a shit like it's you know I've done it here I feel like I've really been practicing here like I've been lying on my ass for fucking almost fucking 14 months now. I'll be grand. I mean, obviously we'll do a podcast halfway through my quarantine and I'll be going mental.

We have to check in. We have to check in on a Patreon app or something with you for sure. They did give us a planner, I remember. They gave us like a little welcome book and it was a planner for the two weeks where you could write in your events, which felt very ambitious to like plan in on day 12. I'll put in a little activity or some calls and stuff. Day 13 is when I'm going to be writing all work and no play makes Tom a dumb boy on the walls of the hotel room.

Got to pencil that in now. You're coming over here, like tommy said to tour all around the country um we were talking before the podcast how much you're looking forward to killing it in the gold coast to start with just i am i am looking forward to getting in the gold coast but just the sense that it doesn't fucking matter if you do badly there like it's such a perfect place to do your first gig because who gives a literal fuck what they think just emaciated because every bit of fluid has left your body over the last two weeks like just walking out on stage rail thin just looking at 3 000 people in high-vis uniforms and going oh well whatever happens happens and also because you're in queensland you can't even

come out with any like oh yeah I've just been in a lockdown. I've just been in quarantine. They haven't fucking had shit up there. Like you can't talk about COVID at all because it doesn't exist in Queensland. Yeah, they don't care. Yeah, well, I'm actually, I'm doing my, the day I get out of quarantine, I'm flying to Melbourne to do the project, which I think is the dumbest booking anyone has ever fucking made which is just like come on and talk about fucking what? Talk about what

new fetish I fucking lowered myself to by day 9 like what? Me on page 88 of Pornhub being like I can't believe I've done it all this is horrific By the way look forward to this then Daniel because I work for the project

and I know exactly what's about to happen. What will happen is you'll come out of quarantine, you'll fly to Melbourne to do this TV show live, and what happens is they don't allow four people, four or five people at the desk. What they will do is you'll be in the same studio as them, but in a separate tiny little room. You'll be put into another form of quarantine.

Those fucking assholes. You'll be literally like 20 metres away from them, but in a separate tiny little fucking phone booth. You won't even be on the desk, meaning you could absolutely zoom it in from the Gold Coast if you really fucking wanted to. They're going to make you fly down and not even be at the desk. That's sick.

They must hate you. Not as much as I'm about to hate them. It comes back to this. You know what? Because they do that with every guest now. They're not allowed to be in the same room as the host which means we... Sorry, that's my alarm going off. Which means we are still...

Tommy and I are still the last remaining guests that they allowed at the desk. Yeah. Back in March last year. 2020, yeah. We were the last guests at the desk. So that should be your aim. Break out of that fucking little room,

jump onto the desk and break our record. And just shit in front of Tommy. And wear a fucking dum-dum club t-shirt. You'll just be on there like real flat, just like, I've got nothing to talk about, guys. Like, I've just been in a room for two weeks. Like, if you want to hear me all pumped up on the way into quarantine,

listen to this episode of the little dum-dum club that I did before I got on the plane. That's when you should have gotten me on the way in. Can we make it clear that, like, are you taking up a place in quarantine of like a repatriated australian because that is a very hot topic here there are like 30 000 australians trapped has been trapped overseas for about 14 months yeah let me ask you a fucking question can any of those can any of those expatriated australians earn as much money as i'm about to pay into your fucking tax system? No. They're a bunch of fucking

bartenders and they'll do fuck all for your economy. I mean, they're also citizens, but sure. They were citizens. No, he's right. He's going to come. He's going to deposit a big old pot of gold into the Australian economy.

I was going to say, how fortunate you are. It truly is the luck of the Irish. We should also make it clear, Daniel's not the only international appearing at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. Geoff Green from the UK will also be appearing. Yes, Arch Barker. Arch Barker's doing his quarantine right now as well.

Fantastic that they got the exemption of coming out. Arch Barker's allowed to come in from Richmond. Yeah, a few people dusting off the old brackets when they've never used it before. How many generations back are you allowed to go? Because my great-great-grandfather was from England. Can I put the old brackets E-N-G behind my name? Oh man, why aren't I doing Italy? We started the lockdown.

We had the army trucks, like, dragging away bodies in the streets. But now here I am, folks. I got on the plane. Mamma mia. Just Kevin Crepignery in brackets Africa eventually. Oh, God. That's not bad. Where are you planning to move to after the festival?

Tommy Dasolo, brackets USA. Oh, I wonder if you could take up citizenship in another country from here just to get the brackets next to your name in the comedy festival. Well, that is a thing that, Pete, can't you... Aren't there... Sorry to break character just for a moment's loss, but isn't there a thing in Scotland where you can buy like a tiny little patch of land and get like a deed to it

or like a... Not quite a citizenship, but you can get like a deed to it or like a, not quite a citizenship, but you can get like a Lordship or something. Yeah. It's a bullshit lie. We made up to scam Americans. We're like, you're a Lord's now.

They're like, Oh wow. Oh my God. I'm going to use that title. And then they fuck off, you know, they're like, you have to call me Lord. Now it's an absolute lie.

Yeah. But getting one of them and then being able to put brackets Scotland after your name because you've become a Lord. But put Lord in brackets before your name as well. Brackets Lord, end brackets Carl Chandler,

brackets Scotland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, at least call me Lord Comedy. So yeah, look, I hope you don't go, I hope you don't absolutely lose your mind in there. so yeah I look yeah I hope you I hope you don't go

hope you don't absolutely lose your well we given that you like we said before you are flying in from Britain to

to do to clean up to come and be one of the few people in the world that can fucking outside Australia

that can be a comedian and make money we did have our our grand friend Russell Howard come out here and tour the country, and he was good enough to get us to open for him in every show in Melbourne, which I presume is now the law for big names from England to come out and do.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm going to phone Russell first and find out how you both did. Like just phoning him up he's like Sloss long time no hear Russell cut the shit did he do the duck sandwich did he do the fucking duck sandwich how much can I fucking trust this guy did you do duck sandwich

really as one listener that was there then put into our Facebook group he fucked it up as well how did you fuck it up

I don't know I got excited I got excited to do to hear and perform one of the classics exactly

I was very nervous in the presence of a great yeah yeah oh look I've got the best seat in the house for this one I can't believe I'm right here in the presence of a great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, look, I've got the best seat in the house for this one.

I can't believe I'm right here in front of the great joke. We've all enjoyed having Duck Sandwich in our ears, but imagine it coming out of your own mouth. Wow. Just new sensations for Duck Sandwich to manifest itself in my body. Well, yeah, Slossy, we're happy to open for you here. If you play your cards right, we can put you in touch with Nick Carr for the Gold Coast gig.

Just so you can introduce him. If you're worried about being rusty, he'll certainly make you look good. And now that we have a plaster cast of his dick as well, there is absolutely no competition for you either there. Great. And that's my number one thing for my support acts. Before they go on stage, I measure their dick.

And if it's even within a fucking inch of mine, it's not happening. It's not on. Well, you're in... Sloss, I don't know if you've been across what's been happening culturally since about 2017, but that kind of thing is not, not smiled upon anymore. Oh,

really? Well, to be fair, we didn't realize either. So imagine that being Louis CK's defense. I was just wanting to compare size. Yeah. It's a,

it's a law I made for my support acts in 2016. So like, you know, it was a different time. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Um,

you are, you are in Melbourne in time. Hopefully we catch you in Melbourne because you're a busy man. You get to play these – you're a bit beyond us now. You get to play these big theatres and we're still in the small-time venues. But hopefully we get to catch up IRL. And you fucked up Duck Sandwich in front of 1,300 people. Yeah, yeah.

That's not a small crowd. Well, that's what I mean. I won't be back. That's not a small crowd. Well, that's what I mean. I won't be back. But hopefully we'll get to see you. You've made a couple of legendary appearances at the infamous Drunk Cast.

And to be honest, that's how I identified when I thought the coupling of Tom Ballard and Daniel Soss, you two made out at one of the Drunk Cast ones. One of the absolute highlights of any drunk cast, I thought. I mean, I get told what I've done at drunk cast later on. I'm like, oh, yeah, I do remember that. Yeah, we did kiss for a fair time. I've gotten my cock out so many times at that.

Yes. I believe you're wearing a kilt at one and my head somehow wackily ended up underneath that at some point. Somehow wackily. It's a mystery. Again, this is pre-2017. I don't blame Ballard. I think he just got sucked into the orbit of it.

It's got its own gravity, yeah. He can't of it. It's got its own gravity, yeah. You can't help it. Husey's behind you dressed as a construction worker going, that's not appropriate, Tom. Get your head out of there. That thing looks angry. That thing opened a packet of Daniel Flotheth kilt. The snake spat at me.

I thought there were no snakes in Ireland. This is crazy. I thought there were no snakes in Ireland this is crazy but yeah have you been thinking about that little smooch in the cold Irish nights trying to sleep well it's man there are

there are at least three or four photos of me kissing men online while drunk and like for it it's enough to make my photos of me kissing men online while drunk. It's enough to make my fiancé go, why when I type in Daniel Sloss kissing is the first result

not a woman? Not that that would make me happier. It's just a question I have for you. Also, by the way, Ballard is looking that up right now. I'm just saving it for later. He's made it in his wallpaper. Wow. Just to see if it's you.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, gee whiz. I sure hope so. That's good. Yeah. Daniel Sloss. I'm pretty sure I've also kissed Cody on one of them.

On and off it? Who knows? Yeah, that might have just been us. That might have just been on tour at some point. That might have been a dream. Top result is a piece that you wrote for the City Running Herald called What I Know About Women with comedian Daniel Slott. Oh, and it's a very short article.

Yeah, it's got a picture of you kissing a man, which doesn't bode well. Short interview, this one. Don't really know much at all. It just says they have two boobs here. And you've got to treat them both equally.

You've got to treat them... Yeah. Was your manager right? Was the question what was it like to kiss Tom Ballard? Has that been an obvious question

with all of your other press junkies in the interview so far? It's the number... Do you get nervous up there? what was it like to kiss Tom Ballard? Has that been an obvious question with all of your other press junkies in the interview so far? Do you get nervous up there? What was it like? How did you get your idea of kissing Tom Ballard? Who's been the best of the male comedians that you've kissed? Who's been the best snog that you've had? Wow, okay.

Good question. It's hard to remember, I guess. It is hard to remember, but none of them have been bad. I just like... Kissing men is very different to kissing women. And I think that's why I like to check every now and again just to see

if I've upgraded to gay. Just if I've leveled up. No, no, I still slum it with the broads. I thought it was a very good cassette. A very good cassette.

Thank you very much, Daniel. I can't recall making out with you at all. You're just another hoe in my book, kid. You talk about here in this article. Bella's got his head up a kilt fucking

three times a day. He can't. He doesn't have a record of all of them. Oh, kissing your cock was incredible. That was an absolute joy. You write about your

first kiss in this article. My first kiss happened while playing a stupid game called Kiss, Cuddle, Torture when I was 10. My first real kiss happened with my girlfriend Heather at 13. We went out for three months and it was awkward i was always scared

of rejection or getting it wrong so i didn't encourage the kissing part we kissed in her backyard i was terrible at it yeah oh true what yeah do you guys have that game over did that the game kiss cuddle torture did you play that when you were kids certainly not the torture bit no no that's what does that mean so there was a you played it like when you were like pre-teen it was like a primary school game um and it was boys versus girl and it was like just like tag you had to catch someone but if you caught so the boys would chase the girls or the girls would chase the boys so you catch a girl and you go kiss cuddle or torture and they have to pick one of those things now kiss is obviously a kiss but you're nine so nobody chooses nine nobody's a pervert at that age everyone's terrified then you've got cuddle which is like an awkward embrace

or torture which is you just fucking kick him in the shins or punch him in the arm and then and it was a game all across Scotland for some reason I think they call it like Kiss Chase in England it's only when you get older that you're like I mean that probably wasn't the best message we were spreading like you know Do you feel a bit would you rethink your answer to that question

now that you know that we don't have that game in Australia because now you're in print in the Sydney Morning Herald just go I played this game where we torture young girls I was who I was and I am who I am print in the Sydney Morning Herald just go, I played this game where we torture young girls. I was who I was and I am who I am. Well, yeah, hopefully you can come slum it with us at the Drunk Cast this year. What date is it on? Yeah, we've got a few hot young pieces lined up for you

to have a big old slum roll over right there on the stage. If we just turn this into Man O' Man, and we just go looking for hot men, not even in comedy, for Sloss to have his rocks off with up there on the stage. Just Sloss kissing men and then pushing them off the stage, into the crowd. Yeah, and we've got a little inflatable pool at the base of it.

They kiss Sloss, they fall off, they crowd surf out the venue. Yeah, exactly. Great, great. So Sloss, yeah, you've they crowd surf out the venue. Yeah, exactly. Great. So Sloss, you've done so many amazing things, of course. You've had the specials on Netflix, you've done Conan a record number of times or something, the special on HBO, you were on Graham Norton recently. And so that's why it's curious to me that as of not that long ago, you've now lowered and embarrassed yourself by getting onto Patreon and begging people for their money.

Oh! Like what we do. Really? Well, well, well. Now undignified. Look who's come crawling back. In my defence, somebody's begging on my behalf. Suck shit.

This is you. Yeah. Oh, man. No, this pandemic's lowered me to a lot of things i'm also on twitch and none of it's gone well none of it's gone well right what do you play on twitch um i just get drunk i just drink and then run so you don't even play video games you just sit there and get drunk yeah yeah and it's like enough that i enough that i know my therapist is tuned into one episode and he's like is that the healthiest way to deal with this? And I'm like, well, shut up and sup, cunt.

Like, I pay you. This is not one of the times I pay you for your fucking opinion. Stay in your lane. Yeah, if you're going to pipe up, hurry up and fucking fix this. Yeah, I had my therapist once ages ago say to me, like, oh, maybe I'll come to one of your shows. And I was like, oh, look, by all means, but you've got to promise to be off the clock.

I don't want any feedback after the gig. I don't want a deep read on the material or the mindset that's behind it. My therapist will not watch my stand-up, and it fucking kills me, man. Like, he's like... Because when I went to him, I was in just a fucking, like, shit place

with touring and everything. And I was just like, look, things have just, like, blown up for me recently and I'm not handling well. Like, I'm really bad at dealing with it. And he was like, okay, well, just keep it sort of fair and balanced between us. You know, I've never heard of you before. And I'm like, okay, well, rude keep it sort of fair and balanced between us. You know, I've never heard of you before.

And I'm like, okay, well, rude, first of all. Like, I know you're Dutch, but I do play Amsterdam. So fucking rain that in immediately. And ever since then, he's like, I won't watch your stuff just so we can have, you know, this relationship. And there's times during therapy when I make him laugh. And I know that's not the goal, but it absolutely is the fucking goal. And he's like, you're really funny. And I'm like, watch my fucking stand-up, man.

Like, I need you to understand you're in the presence of greatness. He loves his wife. He doesn't want to get divorced. That's fair enough. Exactly. You're like, what's that biblical figure? If you turn around and look at it, you turn get divorced. That's fair enough. Exactly. You're like, what's that biblical figure? If you turn around and look at it, you turn to stone. Medusa.

As soon as you do five minutes, there's a million fucking couples breaking up according to your special. You're Medusa. Instead of the snakes on the head, it's the snakes somewhere else. If he starts giving you a review or a star rating for your sessions that i think you should be worried about his mental health he gets he gets very excited uh when i swear right so clearly he works like he works with a lot of drug addicts and i don't know why he works with me as well but he works with a lot of drug addicts and there's just so many times when i'll just you know I'll be in fucking and I'm running about

shit that annoys me it's upset me no fuck this fuck that cunt this and he's Dutch and he whenever he quotes me he gets such a little smirk in his face because he's just like so Daniel it's like when you say you get so fucking angry and I can say this because you swear. You get so fucking pissed off. And I'm like, this is the most, just a 45-year-old man with a degree, thrilled that he can say the word cunt at work. Yeah. And that same man watching you on Twitch, like you're there, blind, drunk, crying about your family,

and he's just logging on going, this is poggers. That's bizarre. Well, Slosh, you're going to miss out on this. You'll be in Melbourne for the last couple of weeks or the last week or so.

We're starting the Comedy Festival very soon. We're doing four live shows every weekend. The first weekend we're doing is coming up very soon

and what we're doing at the end of the live podcast is we've come up with this, another dream come true for us. We're doing is coming up very soon and what we're doing at the end of the live podcast is we we've come up with this um another dream come true for us we're we're going to start up our own pop-up burger restaurant um straight after the gig where we've employed basically a man i met in a supermarket car park uh about 50 kilometers from my house to come and cook burgers for us and we're going to rebrand a bar as our pop-up Dum Dum Burger. This is what we're doing with our freedoms, Loss.

This is why we sacrificed all last year. It's a dream come true for us. We're getting into hospitality. Finally, my mum's going to be proud of me. She's going to be able to explain to her friends what I do for a living. This is going to look great on my resume when I go for a job at Hungry Jack's. Yeah, she's going to be able to explain to her friends what I do for a living. This is going to look great on my resume when I go for a job at Hungry Jack's. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

So are you making like special burgers named after like guests and stuff? Well, no, see, that's a very good idea and that's what the plan was. That was the dream. Until I talked to the man who's going to be cooking burgers for us and that we're employing and he just said, no, thanks. I think I'll just cook the one burger. I'm like, okay, boss. No worries.

I mean, we make more or less the same four jokes every week on this show. So that's not entirely out of the wheelhouse. Nah, why branch out? So look, he makes a good burger, but that's the thing. He's like, no, I think I'll just do this thing. So I was like, okay, all right, no worries. But I said, here's the one thing. Here's the one thing I insist upon.

We're going to do like a happy meal. We're going to do a Dum Dum Club happy meal. It's going to be the burger, and the burgers he cooks are great. But I'm like, right, what I want is the one, two, three. I want the burger. I want the – what I love, Sloss, is my favorite form of potato, which you will appreciate as an Irishman, is when you slice up the potato pretty thinly

and you put them on the barbecue and you just grill them and make them a bit brown like that, you know, like a round sort of thin slice. I was like, I want, yeah, I want that. I want that. I'm just trying to explain crisps to me. No, there's no crisps. There's no crisps because they're hot.

They're like you know flat and hot so anyway what do you call it like slicing a potato and then grilling it on the barbecue yeah oh man like don't we don't have barbecues in scotland like our barbecues are those little like single light use things where you can half cook one side of a fucking sausage on and then you get food poisoning we don't right right yeah yeah so i i'm only insisting on that i'm like okay we don't get our choice of burgers we were kind of like we'll have a carl and a tommy one he's like no how about we have meat and cheese okay no no problem and then so then i go your catchphrase meat and cheese the old double act

hi i'm meat this is my good co-host, Cheese. And welcome to Buns, Buns, Buns. Little Bun Bun Club. I should have said that. Yes. Take it back. Take it back. We'll do it again.

There we go. There we go. There we go. We'll fix that in post. So we've got the burger. Then I'm like, right, we want those hot chips like that. And then I thought as the drink, you know, right we want those we want those hot chips like that and then and then we want and then i thought as the drink you know as part of what we do we we can have like a chang

beer like that's a cool little happy meal for us and then he just looks at me and goes all these hot chips how about this i think this would be funny we'll just get some crisps some sandboy chips and that can be that that can be the chips that'll be a funny joke pretty funny i'm like well i guess you know comedy i mean you're the you're the kind i saw grilling thick onions in a fucking car park in west meadows so i guess i bow to the the comedy genius i was gonna say you're probably like i don't tell you how to cook your burgers but i bet you've absolutely is what you're telling me has he listened to the sorry has he listened to the show at all has he has he consumed i'm not sure he did at one point i think he listened because he found out that he

was getting he got told by someone that he was getting talked about right okay so then he listened to that bit i believe yeah and he's the laziest chef in the fucking world. Like, literally, any request you've made, and he's like, no, no, no, no. I mean, I can't wait to meet him. We think we're signal boosting him. I think he just considers this to be a huge pain in the ass. Yes, yeah, absolutely.

In the hypothetical world that he would go ahead and lean into this idea, what kind of meals are you talking about? Obviously, one like a slossage hot dog kind of thing. Yeah, slossage roll. Yeah, exactly. You'd have the sloss burger which would just be like a six foot piece of meat. Yeah. Can we get a bun big enough to

fit a fucking sloss hoagie in? Jesus Christ. Yeah, something like that. A stinky kaffir burger. A lot of blue cheese on it. Tons of garlic. Oh, yeah, yeah. A lot of blue cheese on it. Yes, exactly. A lot of blue cheese. Tons of garlic. Yeah, yeah.

But what's that Asian fruit, the durian or whatever, that stinks? Like, hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that in there, too. What a combo. Garlic, blue cheese and durian. Yeah, we could have a Blakey burger, which would just be a cheeseburger, but we'd spell it wrong. Just the wrong thing

comes out yeah yeah no it's it's said it's written on the menu as burger yeah

and then someone comes out and fucks you in the ass no we meant bugger oh right there we go there we go we have some Dave Callan haggis

as well yeah we could honour the Scottish friends of the show Dave Callan the one, we could honour the Scottish friends of the show, Dave Callan. The one that we have. That one single friend of the show we have. That one Scottish person that we know.

Some haggis in there for him. But no, meat and cheese is good too. So did you push back on this? Or just literally serving sand boys? Yeah, to be honest, I did. I let everything else go, but I was like, no, I have to. I have to insist. Because the idea was that you would be on the grill doing the potatoes.

Well, was that an idea? Maybe that was an idea. I think so, because you say you cook a mean one. So the idea was that it's you and you doing it. No, I don't think I do. I don't think I do. I actually don't think I do. I was more like, this guy cooks a good burger.

I've tried to cook these chips a couple of times lately, and I've fucked them both up royally. So I'm pretty keen to get a pro in the house. And so it did get to a stage where he was like, all right, I'll look at the grill, and then I'll consider my choices, whether I do it or not. And then it got to a point where he was like, maybe I'll just cook them for you to shut you up.

I'm like, well, I could probably accept that as well. That's great. So you're just in the party room upstairs by yourself with your own little, your own little private meal that no one else has access to. I quite like that. Little crown, little paper crown. It's just literally so he could shut me up.

Yes. He didn't say that. Sorry. So did you literally just fucking meet this man cooking burgers in a car park? Yeah. That wasn't a red flag to you that was a business opportunity no no no we've talked about this on the show but it's literally because i i i went out there he was in an iga car park with the under the under the guise of like i pop

up everywhere guys i'm just a pop-up burger joint who who knows where i am next week and then the next three weeks in a row it was the same car park out near the airport. So I'm like, I've got to fucking get this guy a good gig somewhere. Bring him into the city. Bring him into at least zone one. Bring him into within 30 kilometers of the Bourke Street Mall, is what I thought.

So only one meat burger. That's going to be a real shame for the two vegetarian listeners that we have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, unfortunately. Yeah, no, they have requested. We've got a few requests for that. the two vegetarian listeners that we have yeah yeah yeah yeah the uh yeah unfortunately you can you can yeah no they have requested we've got a few requests for that but um but very excited still very excited to be part of it'll be the yeah i mean it'll be the next thing that happens if you listen to this i can't wait till you get fucking sued for food poisoning like mass amounts

of people like it's like that's the that's the thing that started to get brought up today where i was like i haven't thought forward about this thing at all yeah don't you i haven't thought anything about this don't you need a fucking license to sell i'm pretty sure anyone's not just allowed to sell food or is australia still a lawless cowboy i mean why would anyone be you know scared scared of spreading disease at the moment in the world alright guys I've got an early shift at the wet market out of West Meadows

and I'll be right down there to get on the grill for you do you know how much you're rubbing this in my face like I can't go and see I haven't seen my grandparents in 16 months and you're like I hired a homeless man from a car park to sell burgers to strangers I'm like fuck you and you're like, I hired a homeless man from a car park to sell burgers to strangers.

I'm like, fuck you! You've got all this freedom in your fucking waist. Yeah, and I'm spending all of it arguing with men over chips. What was the last good thing that you did, Sloss? What was the last activity that you had? I got got to I should say proposing to my girlfriend but not true I got to perform at the

congratulations thank you I got to perform at the Palladium in London last year it was at half capacity finally

not because of my own choosing but because legally it was enforced the only way I could ever technically sell it out and that was like

literally about two days after it was fully back into only way I could ever technically sell it out. And that was like literally about two days after it was fully back into lockdown. And that was just it was like the first real gig back because I've done a bunch of the fucking car park gigs and the gigs in people's back garden. And his...

Carl's ears are burning. I've been doing those shit gigs for years. What were you cooking at that car park I think you did we've just been fucking locked in I got to do some gigs in December that was the last good fun and then ever since then

it's just been alcoholism and alcoholism and therapy those, alcoholism and therapy. And those things go hand in hand so well. I just keep turning up. He's like, just stop. I'm like, you're my therapist, not my fucking mum.

Shut your mouth. When you shay, you need a fucking drink. And it's okay because you shay that. Put the drink down you cunt That's some Lawrence Moody Rudy there You guys aren't doing an impression of Dutch people You're doing an impression of Lawrence Moody Rudy Mine was a bit more Sean Connery How did you propose to your girlfriend?

Tell me everything Who is this slut? Oh, well, fuck it. Why not tell this story on this fucking podcast of all places? Tom Ballard, please ask me how I met my fiancée. Oh, I do know this. You do know this. I know this too.

I don't. I can't wait. Daniel, just out of curiosity, how do you know your fiancée? How did you meet her? Oh, she's my ex-girlfriend's younger sister. Oh, wow. King, king, king, king. Fantastic stuff.

I didn't know you were allowed to do that. Wow. I got some calls to make. Wow. So hang on. Now, are you allowed to examine the timeline publicly? Hey, look, look. They'll never talk again, so sure.

Oh, wow. Genuinely? Wow. Oh, wow. Wow. So you went out with your ex-girlfriend for how long? Oh, like I went out with her for about three months, eight years ago. We were banging for a bit

and then we were officially in a relationship for about three months. We broke up and she immediately got into a relationship with a guy who she was then with for like, you know, six years. But basically my girlfriend came uh my fiance came to a gig in edinburgh and i walked on stage and she was in the front row and she's very attractive right and that's very weird because my fans are fucking munters like they are really the fucking dregs of society facially horrible horrible. We wouldn't know anything about this.

Yeah, really ugly creature. And so having a hot person in my audience, I was like, holy fucking shit. And I recognised her, but I couldn't. We literally do the same thing. When we do live podcasts, we'll finish the gig and go, did you see that one person? What the fuck was going, were they at the wrong gig?

What was happening there? They had all their teeth so uh me and my ex we were in we were in we weren't like close friends but we were it was we were still uh friendly with each other yeah amicable and um this is the one bit where i admit that i come across as a terrible person and it's only because I genuinely didn't expect to fall in love with this woman, right? Great. Turn this up, Tommy. Don't judge yourself, Daniel.

Just tell us honestly what happened. It's okay. There's no judgment here. I'd love another beer for this next bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shall I go and get one? If you could. Why do you need another beer, Tommy?

Why do you need it? Why Tommy? Why do you need it? Why do you share you need a beer? Don't go yet. I need to get this beer. Okay, okay. Just hold for one. What's that, Daniel?

Oh, that's an incredible detail. That's really funny. I'm not never going to get another beer. They can get another beer as well. You know, this little drink break

for everyone listening. Carl, you're missing out on some good shit over here. One of these cans from down the bottom. Yeah, thank you. There we go. Yeah, dudes rock.

Dudes rock. I'm not editing this out. I want people to know how much fun we have when we get together. Me and the boys. Just a couple of boys talking about fucking our ex-girlfriend's sister. Daniel, do you want one? Falling in love with my ex-girlfriend's sister. It's a nice story.

I'm a romantic. Genuinely, Carl's gotten four beers. It's a nice story. I'm a romantic. Genuinely, Carl's gotten four beers. It's like he's gotten one for Daniel. Just pour it through the mic. I'll drink it through my headphones. So I go on stage and I see this attractive girl

and I'm like, that's new. That's a new experience at one of my gigs. And I recognise her but I cannot fucking for the life of me work out where I recognize her from. And I start talking to one of our friends who's beside her, one of the audience interaction bits, and then it fucking clicks in my head. And I went, are you my ex-girlfriend's younger sister?

And she went, yeah. And I'm like, Cara, why the fuck are you in the front row? She was like, there was no other seats. We arrived late. It was the only little lounge there because nobody wants to sit in the front row because you talk to them. And I'm like, well, I mean, you've proven that point. Now that we've got that out of the way, what do you do for a job?

So I do a bit of interaction. It goes well. And then after the show, I meet up with her and she's like I'm so sorry I'm like don't apologise it was funny it made the show a little bit better gave it one of those unique feelings and I took a picture of both of us and I sent it to her sister

with the caption I'm going to fuck your sister oh my god lord oh my god lord because I didn't think I was going to right there was no Oh my good lord. Oh my good lord. Because I didn't think I was going to, right? There was no I was like, what's the worst thing

I could say? What's the most evil caption I could put with it? But now to her sister, it looks calculated. Oh, wow. Yep. And we I mean, we sort of, we didn't calculated oh wow and we I mean we sort of

we did kiss that night and then her friend yelled at us she was like what the fuck are you doing that's the stupidest thing in the entire world you understand the shit fire this is going to cause so we're just like don't make us hornier like don't fucking just turn it into this

forbidden fucking fruit thing and then and then um we flirted for a bit and but we just we just kissed and and then and then our sister found out that we kissed and she freaked the fuck out but at that point she hadn't put her head up your kilt yet we hadn't got to a tom ballard no no we were not as intimate as me and tom ballard but at this point just as intimate as me and cody have been at that point cody base So her sister found out through evil means like spying and hacking and whatnot

and then flipped Or a text message from you Confess it She hacked into her own phone and read a caption Or you turning up to her house and knocking on the door and rooting her sister in front of her This is like Tenet. It's going in reverse.

She gets the information about the event before the event's gone down. It was not premeditated. The ultimate gaslighting. Sending a photo, I'm going to fuck your sister. And then being like, hey, stop being paranoid. Don't be a crazy bitch. Settle down, ASIO. Women. Am I right, fellas?

So Her assistant finds out And it's rightfully, rightfully perturbed Of course she is Neither of us are going to pretend But also, she is in a relationship With a guy who she's been with for six fucking years and she lives with him right uh but she still freaks out and she says

to uh cara she's like you can't ever see her again you can't you can't talk to me again all this sort of stuff and she freaks out tells mom be like you know she's she's fucked my ex-boyfriend and and my fiance's like we haven't we've literally drunkenly kissed once, I mean we've sent some flirty messages but beyond, the first time we got yelled at, we stopped doing it because we realised it was wrong, but sister just fully just

cuts her out, gets really fucking angry, to the point where my fiance was just like, well I mean if I'm being punished for fucking you like I'm already punished for fucking you, like I'm already doing the time at this point. Oh my God. We might as well.

And then... Fuck. And then... It's all jeopardy. Yeah, your ex-girlfriend has really done a lot of groundwork for you there by doing that. Fuck, that's amazing.

Yeah, great pre-manning from her. As I said to her dad when I re-met her parents, I'm not a monster for upgrading my phone, okay? So why on earth should I be looked down upon?

This is some fucking Air Bud shit. There's technically nothing in the rules that says you can't do this, but it still feels wrong. Can't kill a dead man. Wow. So, yeah, so re-meeting the parents, did she give them the heads up like,

hey, I want you to meet my boyfriend now? You know, heads up, you're going to feel like you've got fucking deja vu going on here. Or did she just bring you in cold and then leave them thinking that they were going fucking insane? Always make a good first impression, Daniel. I made a great one. I just hope they remember it from all those years ago. No, always make a good first impression. Always do it every time you meet them.

Every time you meet that same family. Walking up to the mum, you're next. Well, well. Oh, here the mum, you're next. Well, well. Oh, here we go. Oh, no. So we kept it, when we were buying, we kept it secret because obviously we didn't want any more shit down the path. And then we gradually just fell in love over the course of a year

to the point where it was like, you know, she came out to New York with me and we were like, well, this is, I mean, we definitely want to be with each other now so she very awkwardly messaged our parents being like I know you I know that you think this ended 18 months ago but we've been seeing each other in secret and her parents were thrilled because again when I when me and her sister broke up we were still friends afterwards I wasn't a bastard to her at any point. I've just been a bastard to her recently. And her parents, they're so fucking sweet. They felt so bad that

we felt that we had to hide it from them. So when I went up to meet them, for one of the very few times in my life, I've sincerely been nervous. And her mum opens up the front door and gives me a big hug and just whispers in my ear, lovely to meet you again.

And then just ever since then, her dad has just been, every time I talk, he just puts his arm around her mum and is like, don't even fucking try it, mate. Don't even fucking try it. So they've got a great sense of humour about it.

But I guess because they have to. Could be back. Yeah. But their eldest daughter, not so much. So not coming to the wedding? Nope. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Oh, man. So do you, when you were with the older sister, what was your relationship like with the younger sister back in the day? Right, so this is where it gets worse. Oh, I'm so glad I asked that question. So when my first date with my ex-girlfriend, her older sister, was up in Aberdeen where they're from. And she'd messaged me

on Twitter and we'd agreed to go on a date. And she was like, can I bring someone to the show as well? I'm like, of course, of course. You don't have to take us.

We'll go out afterwards. Whatever makes you feel happy and comfortable. And she brought her younger sister, Cara. And I was on tour with my support act, Kai Humphries. And I was on tour with my support act, Kai Humphries. And I was like,

can you distract the sister and, you know, try and schmooze her while I schmooze my one? So, Kai Humphries kissed my fiance seven years before I did. Wow.

Wow. Wow. What the fuck is this woman's type? Jesus Christ. She is truly sick in the head. Fuck-faced Northerners. Weird AIDS-ridden Irishmen. What the hell is she in? She's got a finger against tans, that's for sure.

She's fairly racist. It's just white. The whitest it can get, please. I want it as white as they can. The whitest you've got. How did you propose that, if you're happy sharing that piece of information? I told her, say yes or your mum's next.

No. Well, so during, like, when we first started officially dating i was on tour on an 18 month tour so we saw each other you know once in new york once when she came out to melbourne and then occasionally like in a three-day period when i was home and then obviously this pandemic hit and certainly we've gone polar fucking opposite to seeing each other every day living together and not to be too fucking sentimental but like i generally would not have been able to get through this lockdown without her she kept me sane she kept me happy like i think the pandemic being with your partner was real make or fucking break for a lot of people being so intensely around each other

and it got to january and i was just, you know what? There's fuck all else to do. Like there's nothing to look forward to. And we've been going on a walk every single day just across our road. And I had to fucking do the, you had to make the ring online. Like you've got to talk to some jeweler. I don't know anything about rings. And I had my, this is really really shit one of my flatmates is a really good um cameraman in fact he films all my specials and I said to him look I'm just going to do a just she doesn't want anything extravagant it's not the type of person she is I just want

to do it on something we go on this walk every day it's where we've been spending most of our time talking to each other can you hide in the bushes and just like take some photos of the proposal of a woman yeah and he was like without her knowledge yeah yeah you know like you're used to doing like all that other you know like all that other work i've had you do for me just do what we did with her sister. Yeah, yeah. You remember her. Except it's in the bushes instead of the change rooms now. And go.

Was this awkward because you'd sent a text to the older sister a month before saying, I'm going to ask her to marry me? That never happened. So I go up to the walk. I get down on... I give her a bunch of letters that I drunkenly... Because I'd been travelling so much the year before, whenever I was on a plane, I'd write her a love letter, but I'd never post it.

So I just had this big pile of things of just me declaring my love, and I hand them to her, and she gets dead excited. This is so fucking gay, bro. This is fucking gay, man. Oh, God, the beautiful poetry of Daniel Sloss just page after page of I love your tits I love your pussy

that is what they say I'd written them I only ever wrote them while smashed on airplanes and I handed I handed them to her and I was like look I'm too embarrassed to read these because I know the state I was in when I handed them to her and I was like, look, I'm too embarrassed to read these because I know the state I was in when I wrote them. So I think they're romantic.

I think they're kind. But there you go. And she goes away to fucking read them. And she's like, I don't, like, there's so, like you say cunt nine times in the first three sentences. In all its different uses as well. Fucking hell.

And it's hard to find a word that rhymes with cunt as well in poetry. So roses are red. I love you cunt. Now tie back your hair because I'm about to munt. Get down on one knee and take a punt. It's raining because it's Scotland, so of course it's raining.

So she turns around to sort of go and read it under a tree and I get down on one knee and she's just not paying attention. Like to the point where I'm just in this fucking puddle, like with the ring out to the point where I just have to yell at her I'm like Cara can you fucking turn around please right oh it's like your sweet poetry all over again it's also what I say during sex

she's used to it she heard it in an entirely separate context you alright pal fucking turn around wanna fucking marry me eh she turns around context. You're right, pal. Fucking turn around. You want to fucking marry me, eh? She turns around. She doesn't

say yes, but she takes the ring. So I take that as a yes. And then my friend Troy comes out and takes more photos. But because she'd gone behind the tree, the actual photo of me proposing to her is me proposing to a tree like there's no picture of her i just look like i look like the fucking biggest vegan in the world just being like mother nature will you be mine i know man has treated you wrong but i'll love you forever and we come and do some more photos and we're walking back

and my friend Troy, again, I'm not coming across well at any part of this podcast. He was just laughing. I'm like, what's so funny? He goes, he's like, I'm very, very happy for you both. I think you're a great couple

and thanks for letting me be part of it. But I mean, I did just tell you two days ago that I'm struggling to get over being dumped. And I was like, oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, no. Like, he just got through a really hard breakup one day. And I'm like, yeah, all right.

Now that that's over, do you want to come see how it's really fucking done? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. What happened? Did he watch one of your specials with his girlfriend? No, I think she watched it without him. Oh, man. Oh, wow.

That is a beautiful story. Well, congratulations. Yay. That's exciting stuff. Fly her out here and have the wedding at the drunk cast. Man. It'll be great. Just the perfect combo.

Like, you know, you get to get married and you've got a great story off the back of it. Fucking awesome. And I'm a fucking legend at this point I mean who who on earth who on earth could have sex with their ex-girlfriend's

ex-girlfriend's younger sister and come out looking like the good guy alright well we better wrap it up for another week on the little dumb dumb club Daniel Sloss

Tom Ballard thank you both very much for joining us. No, thank you. Sloss, you're touring the country, so you're in every capital city, I presume, plus more, Gold Coast plus. You're doing, what, Sydney, Brisbane? Are you doing Perth? Yeah, Perth. I love doing Perth.

Fucking Adelaide. Oh, boy. You're slinking back to Adelaide. Yeah, fucking. Well, I mean, to be fair, last time I was in Adelaide, like, they won me back over. I still don't love it there, but, you know, they're winning me back one paycheck at a time.

I love how 2020 hasn't changed your attitude to this shitty. Like, when I was in New Zealand, I did this thing with Bill Bailey, and he was just, like, so happy to be out of the country, and just, like, he said, I'm country and just like he said I'm gonna do a tour while I'm here I haven't done a show in about two years and I think I'm gonna cry when I walk out on stage but you're like fuck it Adelaide

shit that's not the part I fucking missed not even during my darkest fucking moment during this pandemic did I ever think, I'd love to gig in Adelaide. That'd fucking fix me.

When I think of our shows in Adelaide, I do think of quarantine already. So, yeah. So, yeah, go check out Sloss on Tour all around this country very soon. You've also got a special on Netflix, which I believe is directed by Martin Scorsese. You can look that one up. Yes, got him one last time on the way out.

Oh, okay, okay. Check it out. Bring me a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One for the cinephiles out there. But yeah, you do have the two Netflix specials and the HBO Max one. Check all of them out.

Tom Ballard, you have a show starting very soon at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Yes, I love all the cities that I get to perform in. I think it's an honour and a privilege of my life to tell jokes. Well, you just sold an extra two tickets in Adelaide. Well done. That puts it up to four. To be fair, I cancelled my Adelaide run because it wasn't clear when I was going to come back. Oh, the dream. To cancel my Adelaide run

because it wasn't clear when I was going to come back oh the dream to cancel on Adelaide well done imagine yeah I think Will Anderson replaced me

loser my show is called We Are All In This it starts at the Melbourne Comedy Festival and it runs for the whole thing and it's coming to Sydney as well for two shows

and we'll be in Brisbane in August I believe cool tickets at comedy.com.au Go check out Timmy Billiards Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time See you next! And they've done it again.

Oh, shit. 2021 is going to be our year. Yeah. That was a great one. Yeah. That was a great one. Great to have the Sloth Monster back. Great to have him in absolute peak form. What a fucking delight of an evening that was.

It was great. A little midnight session, late night session. Yeah, would have preferred to do it at any other time of the day, but something about that Friday night energy just really gave it the extra little bit of sauce, I reckon. A bit of the witching hour in play, I believe. I think so, yeah.

It was heaps of fun and would rather have had that episode recorded around about now while he's in actual quarantine on our time zone. But oh well, there's the breaks. Or even in person, not over Zoom, when he's out of quarantine. Yeah, but that's what you pay for big management for if you're Sloss. To get that sort of admin happening where it's really not that convenient for anyone involved.

Yeah, exactly. But great to have him. Go and see him. Go and see Ballard if they're doing a festival near you like we both said at the top we've got

live Melbourne podcasts to go and see March 27 April 3 April 10 April 17 there's the Drunk Cast

on April 18 heaps of fucking fun shit planned and great guests on top of the fact that at the same time ish we're going to be doing our

live stand-up that is carl chandler uh please call me carl mr comedy was my father heaps and heaps of jokes like i said up the top love to see you there so get into that and tommy dasolo meatball um you know a show with a title that is now so far removed from the idea of me saying on this podcast i'm going to call my next show that yeah feels like that was about six years ago now i don't even remember that. No, exactly. But that could have been last week. So, yeah, that is happening very, very soon if you're listening to this hot off the presses.

It will have started by the time the next episode of this comes out. So, yeah, March 30th, 7.30pm, six shows at the Cooper's Inn. Get on in. Get on in and see some god damn live stand up comedy yes and fucking idiots whoa very fair

and of course Perth we are now back on sale yes we've got very limited tickets left but our date we haven't announced the date the date on the podcast

and that is it's the 24th of April yep it's at 3.30pm on a Saturday afternoon we were originally doing a Sunday, now we're doing a Saturday, which has been met pretty favourably by people

going, great, now we can get absolutely fuck-eyed and still wake up the next day and not have to do anything. So that's great. Great stuff. Well, we were at one point on a long weekend. The first date of that was on a long weekend, on a Sunday, so there wasn't that concern. And then it got moved to a Sunday that wasn't a long weekend. The first date of that was on a long weekend on Sunday. So there wasn't that concern

and then it got moved to a Sunday that wasn't a long weekend. So it's back to where things first kind of were. I believe this might be a long weekend as well.

Yeah, it's Anzac Day weekend. Yeah, that's right. Do they have the Anzacs over in Perth? Yeah, I don't know. Do they celebrate it over there? Do they? I don't know.

They think they're a different country over there so who knows? Who knows? so there's going to be heaps of fun there's a couple dozen tickets left per so there's

been a fair bit of fucking round and confusion with all the move dates and whatever so that does get in the way

sometimes you know it's a bit confusing for everyone out there but that is the day April 24 3.30pm on a

Saturday three months almost to the day since the initial date that we had. Yep. So, guys, nab those little tickies that are left up, please.

Come on. Perth always represents. So, we want to sell out this show. Make us proud. Parth. Great guest confirmed. Yes. Yeah.

Meaning fucking no locals. Yes. Or maybe. Maybe. Well, no. We definitely will have to have a local, won't we? No, no, no. I think there's a lot of people. Oh, really?

Yeah, that's what I've heard in an update. Oh, okay. There's been an update. Great. Very nice. Yes. So we can pick and choose. So it's going to be heaps of fun.

What else is there, Tommy? Of course, yeah, if you've got tickets to this weekend as time of recording podcast, of course, don't forget to – we're having a pop-up. Planet Westgate. Yeah. Finally, we're doing a burger joint that we talked about on this episode, on the main bit. So that's all very exciting. I'm dealing with all – I'm dealing – I had a couple of conversations with the big man himself.

Yep. So, yeah, that's all happening. I'm excited about that. I just can't wait. He's just holding off at the moment about whether he's going to be doing those potato slices or not. He's just... Okay. He's going to inspect the grill tomorrow.

Okay. Oh, he's going in for a bit of... He's doing a bit of recon. Absolutely. Very nice. Yes. And he's requested that I be in there. I don't know why he needs his handheld to look at a fucking grill.

But anyway, especially when that cunt is fucking huge. This guy, Leon. Oh, yeah. He's like into bodybuilding and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. common that you see like a lot of like junk food accounts on uh instagram and stuff they're also like mad bodybuilders and stuff as well yeah all right yeah fuck he's fucking massive but anyway um this will be that'll be heaps of fun so even if you don't have a ticket i think yeah they'll be they'll be trying to make it available to be uh made for takeaway i believe because i think you know he's got a bit of a regular burger obsessed sort of a crew there's a bit of a melbourne burger nerd crew.

I think they're going to be trying to get in as well. Oh, word's out, is it? Yeah, well, he's all excited. He's like, oh, I want to make this. I'm going to put it on my page and I'm going to do this and do that and whatever. I'm like, he's like, just make a poster for us and I'll spread exactly what you're going to do. I'm like, no, no, no, you don't need to spread Planet Westgate and all this shit. Just you do your own thing.

There'll be enough people there already for just you to cook 50 burgers or whatever. Yeah, Like, just you do your own thing. Yeah. There'll be enough people there already for just you to cook 50 burgers or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just do your thing. Do whatever the fuck you want. You don't need to be involved. It's only going to put

your normal people off. Exactly. If it's saying, Planet Westgate, come here and fucking kill yourself. I don't know what the fuck. Seeing our freaks in the window, no one's going to have an appetite

after that anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, don't stress it, Leon. Absolutely. And, hey, the less people that come down, the quicker you can head down to doity's yes do some fucking sweet reps yes do some romanian deadlifts yes absolutely uh all right is that is that all our little news that all kind of it for now we had to report on um excited to go into festival season uh given you know i mean look that's a, that's a nice little general message, I guess,

to put on top of everything, given that, you know, we all understand what we've gone through in the last year and whatever. A lot of you guys out there that listen got into our Patreon early on because you knew that comedians are sort of going to be doing it hard, so that's your bit to chuck into our art form. Here's your big chance if you didn't do that, go and see some shows. So, like we said, you know what our shows are. We'd love to see you there, those ones.

If not someone else's that are on this show, but mainly ours. But especially people who are pro comedians and maybe that need the money. Maybe that need the, if you see that they're not on breakfast radio or they're not on TV and they're just full-time touring comedians, fucking go on the city. Go and check them out. And I think especially at the moment, I've certainly been noticing this at the gigs, like people are happy to be doing shows again.

People are generally, comics are generally in a pretty good mood. They're pretty revved up out there. So it's a good time to go and see shows, I think. You're not going to get as much cynicism as you might at other points in history. Right. Comics at large. Yeah, hey, and also just a tiny little plug for the bullshit that I run.

I run Basement Comedy Club. Heaps of shows in there. There's Friends of the Show, there's Dave O'Neill, there's Luke Heggy. You can go and see them. Or I've got heaps of little showcase shows that you can find at melbournecomedy.com.au. That's like you go and see an emcee in about four or five other comics so you can see a little showcase thing.

They're all selling well, so just go to that website and find out. If you want a little sample, if you want to go and see me or Tommy, plus a friend of the show, plus a showcase, you think, fucking get into that. Yeah, get out there. So, yeah, we mentioned before, of course, the Patreon. You can get two bonus episodes every week, including that by the time this is out, one that we've put up,

that we're eagerly waiting to find out if it's considered to be our masterpiece or the worst thing we've ever done. So that's already been out by now. That's out by now. So some people listening will know exactly what we're talking about. But yeah, over 100 episodes on there right now. Huge catalogue with guests and all that sort of stuff

that you can get into for just $10 a month, support the show and get a whole bunch of extra content back. Yeah, if you're one of those guys, people that get to the end of this episode on a Wednesday and go, oh, that's all gone for the week, well, you know what? Get into the archive. There's fucking nips in there.

Exactly, yep. But, of course, the main thing that you put your little pennies towards is the chance to be immortalised in the back end of this episode, to have your name read out from the unplanned title alternator to go into the Hall of Fame, to have your name written

in the stars, so to speak. And that's what we're going to be doing right now at this time of... Look, it's earlier than it was the other night when we were recording this at 10.30pm. Not by March. Feels later. So, yeah, let's crack in and let's not fuck around. I mean, the normal episode, did that go for long? It went for a bit longer than usual, yeah. So, yeah, let's crack in and let's not fuck around.

I mean, the normal episode, did that go for long? It went for a bit longer than usual, yeah. So we don't have to do too long here. Okay, we don't have to do like the 30, 40, 50 names. We can cut it a little bit shorter than that. What I would like to do, I think sometimes it helps with these for, you know, for brevity sometimes can be a good thing. You know, there was a point where I was saying what ice cream flavour I thought people were. You mentioned written in the stars,

which kind of kicked something off in my head. Maybe we should assign some form of star sign to each of these people. If they were to be literally written in the stars, what sort of shape do we think? Okay. Is it an existing star sign or a new star sign? I think we invent one for them is probably more interesting.

Okay, all right. I like that then. I don't think I mentioned it on the show, but I certainly mentioned it on the two bonus episodes that we did the other night. I went to Daleswood with my girlfriend and we were walking around at night. Of course, you get into the country

and it's clearer out there so you can actually see the stars. My girlfriend was like, oh, look, the saucepan. One of those people that actually can like, can you do that? Do you know what the fucking constellations and shit are? I wouldn't know where to look and whatever.

I've seen the saucepan before, but like that's the sort of thing that, you know, your parents tell you at some stage, especially in the country, I guess, because you can see that and stuff all the time. I feel like you kind of learn it when you're five and then it's, I've never, I'm not boning up on it. I'm not aware of it. She's like, oh, there's the fucking this, there's the this, there's the this.

You're walking around at midnight on your bloody phone, mate. Oh, yeah. You're heading the phone. You're not looking. And you're not like the normal people that are walking around at midnight with their head up in the sky. Oh, the Instagram of the stars. Imagine that.

Just like, yeah, that's how I got into it. Fucking astrology. I was just walking. I was homeless and I was walking around. My phone was flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got into fucking astrology. I was just walking. I was homeless and I was walking around. My phone was flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm just looking in the air all the time. Yeah.

I'm scrolling the constellations. Yeah, yeah. And now I'm an astrologer. Exactly. All right. So let's get into it. Okay. All right.

So first cap off the ring. Thank you very much to everyone that subscribes past and present and even the people that did it for a month and then complained to me that they didn't have their name read out and then unsubscribed. Even to them, thank you very much. Well, we still got, you know, got 10 bucks out of it. For a tiny little bit. Something. It's one meal.

But mainly to the people who have been on board for a long time. And then especially, in this instance, the newies. These people. Welcome. Welcome aboard. Welcome to the club. Yeah. Welcome to our bank accounts. Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Russell Porter. Welcome aboard. Welcome to the club. Yeah. Welcome to our bank account.

Yep. Thank you to Patreon subscriber, Russell Porter. Russell Porter. Yeah. Good luck with that one. I don't, you know, I see that and I don't, I certainly don't think of anything in the stars. I think of like, cause you know, when you see them, when it gets explained, when star

signs get explained to you when you're a kid and it'll just be like, here's three dots. And then you see like the overlay. Oh yeah. It's like, this is an ox. Yeah. And like long yeah yeah yeah so i'm thinking this would be maybe six stars kind of spread out and then the overlay is a big fat man oh really yeah i'm just hearing porter and thinking okay right of course russell portley porter right that's star sign. So it's, so we just say, so like Aries is the ram. So what is the fat man? Is it just like, do we assign a, do we say Porteus the fat man? Porteus the fat man.

Yeah, yeah. Is that it? That's good. Porteus the fat man. Porteus the fat man. I was born under the sign of Porteus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just some cunt in the air eating a fucking ice cream with his top off.

Yeah. Right. Yeah, so maybe that's the... So it's like there's one for his head, then there's like eight that make up the circumference of his huge gut. Right. And then there's a couple for the ice cream cone. There's a couple of sharp angles of the cone.

Yeah, that are the cone, yeah. Going down his gullet. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, right, right. Oh, man. There it is up in the sky. Yeah, yeah. Look, little Timmy.

A big fat cunt eating an ice cream. Porteous the fat cunt. Porteous up in the sky. Yeah, yeah. Look, little Timmy. A big fat cunt eating an ice cream. Porteous the fat cunt. Porteous the fat cunt. Yeah, yeah. What's that? You were born on October 7th. Well, yeah. Yeah, that's you.

That's you up there. What star sign are you? Aries. Mm, okay. Yeah, yeah. Whatever that means. Yeah. One of those great ones where every now and then you read someone go, oh, that means

that, and you're like, okay. And then they go, no, actually it changed. We were looking at the sky wrong and now you're not this guy who's always busy. Now you're someone who loves the fucking garden. Yeah, that's some bullshit. Yeah, me and my girlfriend used to be the same one. And then we split. And the dividing line, our birthdays are like five days apart.

And the dividing line is like in between our birthdays. Right. So I've survived the cut. I'm still a Virgo. Right. I bet you are. And now she's whatever one, excuse me,

whatever one comes before that, Leo or something. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It makes a real mockery of, you know, such a fucking, you know,

rock solid institution. Respectable. Yeah, yeah. Idiom. But no, yeah, it is, imagine being like, oh no, actually we read, we read the calendar wrong when you were born.

Your birthday is actually changing now to June the 7th. You know what a real shame is? That all horses have the same horoscope. Yeah. What is that horoscope? Yeah, what star sign? Yeah. Let me look that up.

It's June 1, isn't it? Yeah, I don't really Yeah. Yeah. Let me look that up. It's June 1, isn't it? Yeah, I don't really know. I can Google it. June 1 star sign. And I'll look up all horses' birthdays. Yeah, that is. So you're a Gemini, if that's right, if I remembered right. Yep.

Wait, hang on. All thoroughbred horses celebrate their birthday on the same date January 1 in the Northern Hemisphere And August 1 in the Southern Hemisphere What? What the fuck's that mean? So It's like a real Mother's Day bullshit

Yeah, August 1 marks the standardised birthday for every horse With Northern Hemisphere celebrating their special day on January 1 They're Leos Horses are lions Horses are Leos. And also, if you're in the Northern Hemisphere and you're a horse, you're celebrating your birthday on New Year's Day.

Yeah. Fuck that. That's like... That's devo. That's like you pulled the plug out of the computer and just restarted and it's just blinking going, your birthday is Jan 1. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, fuck. I had a friend growing up who was a twin and their birthdays were December the 25th and they were like rotten on it especially as a kid where it's all presents

yep and it's like they're not getting double the amount because you've got to be a bit of a cunt you've got to go right

you know you can say I'm not getting enough presents and your dad's going no your parents go no of course it's not like that it's you getting

okay well you put them out and you put the names on each of them. You tell me which ones are the birthdays and which ones are the Christmas ones. And as soon as you start to pull that stuff, it's like, good luck. Or they would always say that you might get a present that was like a little bit bigger than what you would get for one of them. But not double. Not double.

You're getting maybe a 15% bigger gift. And also, you're a fucking twin. You're already losing it. You're having to share a lot. They're getting maybe a 15% bigger gift. And also, you're fucking twin. So that's already... You're already losing it. You're having to share a lot. Like, they're getting a video game console. There you go. That's for both of you.

Yeah. All that sort of shit. So it's like, yeah, you're not really getting much attention at all. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, that's what you get for being a freak. Yeah. To be fair.

Totally. Yeah. Suck it up. That's what you get if you really wanted your own individual identity. One of you should have eaten the other one exactly and then fucking clung to the walls of that uterus for an extra day so you're out there on boxing day yeah absolutely absolutely yeah because that's funny like having a boxing day birthday is funny yeah where the parents have to turn it on on christmas yes but then they've also got to have a reserve and ready to roll out

on the next day and you you've got the day off. Yes. Yeah. Definitely guaranteed holiday for your birthday. Exactly. Fucking beautiful stuff. Not too bad. Lovely, lovely stuff.

Cricket's on? Great. Going to the cricket on my birthday? Yep. Must be nice. Getting the little players down there to sing happy birthday for you. Yeah. Doing a little guard of honor.

Yep. Yep. Happy birthday for you. Yeah. Doing a little guard of honour. Yep. Happy birthday to you. That would be pretty funny to try and instead of getting a Mexican wave going getting a whole stadium

happy birthday going to see if you could get the people playing whatever sport it is down there to join in. If you made that your goal. Yeah. Yeah.

You do that the cricket about 3.30 on Boxing Day. I reckon you'd get it. People are fucking sideways by then. Yeah. Just people stacking. People have done the way.

People have stacked all the cups together. Yeah. What else? Happy birthday. I know this one. Getting like a Mexican happy birthday going where it's like you started and then the row of people next to you, then they started. Yeah, yeah.

You know, so it's sort of out of sync, but it circles its way around the stadium back to you. Imagine you standing up at 3.30 on Boxing Day and going, Hey, it's this bloke's birthday and his name is Cunt. Hit it, boys. Good stuff. They would love it. I'd be a lot more into going to sports if that was guaranteed to happen every time I went. Yeah, yeah.

Behaviour like that. Oh, I might have a crack at that next time. All right. Well, thanks, heaps. Big fat cunt Porter. Yeah. Porteous the fat cunt, heaps big fat cunt Porter. Porteous the fat cunt. Porteous the fat cunt.

Yeah, good luck. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Timothy Glennon. What a jarring name. Yeah, this starts out to be like a wet rag. Tim Glennon. Glennon just sounds damp. You know, like you're holding like a wet rag. Tip Glennon. Glennon just sounds damp. You know, like you're holding like a Chucks. You know, have you ever had like a Chucks in the sink that you've just had in there for too long?

And it's got like bits of, you know, food grot on it and it's all like just sloppy. I will go one further. I reckon even worse, it'll apply to this, is that sloppy half of it and then the other half. It's just been so old and that's dry, but it's like crusty and just like solid. Yeah. Absolutely solid.

Yeah. So that's what it is. Half of two shit things, I reckon. So it's sort of in the stars. People at home won't be able to see this, but it's kind of three that are just flat, that are in a straight line, and then a little droop. A droop. Four that have a little droop hanging down.

Right, like a little curve, like a little bell curve. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bell curve. So one part stiff, and then one part just sod and sloppy wet round. The hard bit on the top of the sink, and then the sloppy bit hanging into the sink. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

And what would that be called? That'd be called... So we had... The bin rat. Porteous the fat cunt. It should be in the bin. Oh, what's the name of it? Yeah.

I feel like we should kind of... We should sort of use the name in there a little bit if we can. Yeah. The name should influence the name of the star sign. Yeah. So Glennon. So Timothy Glennon. I think Glennon's influence the name of the star sign. Yeah. So Glennon. So Timothy Glennon. I think Glennon's inspired

the disgust that we're having. Yeah. Yeah. So. Glenn the Rag. Glenn the Rag. Okay. I like that.

Glenn the Rag. Glenn the Rag. That's good. Porteous the Fat Cunt and Glenn the Rag. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I'm not sure about this boy. I met him, but I don't know about his star sign what is he Glenn the Rag Glenn the Rag

oh no you guys are fire you guys are fire and ice it's not going to work I mean you're you're Porteous the Fat Cunt well if you're like my girlfriend

you know you've spent your whole life as Porteous the Fat Cunt and then they go oh it's changed and you're like thank god I'm not going to be

Porteous the Fat Cunt anymore what am I now oh I'm not going to be Porteous the Fat Cunt anymore. What am I now? Oh, I'm Glenn the Rag. Fuck. I can't win. Yeah. Oh, man, I've said this years ago, but it still sticks in my mind that when I first started going out with my now wife, she was told by someone at her work that our two star signs didn't align.

Weren't compatible. Yeah, and she was she was giving relationship advice um from from it was given to her from her astrologer uh from her her workmates astrologer so it wasn't coming from her she i think she'd gone to she'd gone to astrologer to talk about her friend from work right yeah that's awesome yeah but I'm like, okay, and I'm getting told that from my girlfriend. I'm like, who fucking cares? Like, who's this person, this astrologer? It's like a bit of fucking Chinese whispers at this point coming from someone from someone.

Who's this astrologer? And she's like, oh, she lives in a cave. Wow. Oh, okay. Now I'm getting fucking, you know, a there's a chance i'm gonna get dumped because of advice from a woman who lives in a fucking cave no well i think that's i think it's the opposite it's like if you're gonna trust any astrologer it's like that's a diehard that's like someone who's like really like you don't need anything man all you need is the stars and the

earth and the environment like someone who's like oh no they work at maccas during the day and they do a bit of astrology on the side. No. That's less legitimate. No, the opposite because I'm getting cock-blocked from someone

whose fucking understanding of the stars has led them to live in a fucking cave. Yeah. Well done. They've ignored everything that happened after

Fred Flintstone and now. Yeah. They've just fucking done... If you're listening to astrology, I'm going to... Whatever you say, I'm going to do the opposite

because she's getting... She was doing readings and they'd be like, oh, do you want money? It's like, well, what does a fucking cave woman need money for? So they would just give her things to decorate the cave with. Yeah, yeah, shells and stuff. You've got to ask your wife if you can... I want to go see this astrologist. Oh, they've got to be dead by now.

See if you can get the details of which cave this is. They're still in a cave 10 years later. Putting a specific cave into Google Maps to put into the sat-nav to drive out there. Well, I'll tell you what, there's one thing.

If you live in a cave, you've got a good view of the stars, so maybe that's it. That's what I mean. That's exactly it. Maybe they weren't into the stars,

but just by giving where they lived, every day they're just looking up going, well, I might as well fucking learn a bit about this. I mean, that's all I've got. I really do think it's really impressive

if it's like they've got an interest and it's like there's, you know, it's like a lot of things. It's like stand-up. You know, you've got to immerse yourself in it. You've got to watch and listen to as much as you can. Go and see as much of it as you can. Do as much of it as you can.

It's like I can't just be thinking about the stars for half an hour a day. If I'm serious about this, I've got to be sleeping under them every night. I've got to have that clear view. I can't be be thinking about the stars for half an hour a day. If I'm serious about this, I've got to be sleeping under them every night. I've got to have that clear view. I can't be living in the city where you can't see them because of pollution. What kind of astrology would I do? I've got to be out in the woods in a cave just really getting the HD 4K view of the stars.

Don't just YouTube them. Get out and see them. Go and see live astrology. Get out there. Support live astrology. Well, thanks, Glenn the Rag. Go and see live astrology. Yeah. Get out there. Yeah. Support. Support live astrology. Support live astrology. Yeah. Well, thanks Glenn the Rag.

Thanks Glenn the Rag. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to ask my wife. I'm going to ask her and say a name about that. Whatever happened to her. Yeah. Whatever happened to Cave Bitch. Whatever happened to Barney.

Hmm. Yeah. Whatever happened to Wilma. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Elise Faulkner. Don't mind the last name Faulkner. Really? Yeah, I have very fond... Reminds me of a bit of a grub I went to school with, so not for me.

Oh, it reminds me of a big park near here that I used to get taken to quite a lot as a little child. I remember going to the... They had like a little kind of cafe in there and they sold the Freddos with the strawberry in the middle. Oh, yeah. I was quite enamored with them. Yeah. That was my treat.

We'd go to the park, have a little run around, get a little strawberry Freddo. I bought them for Blanket the other day and had to throw them out because she just wanted to eat them nonstop. That was it. Really? Yeah. She just discovered sugar and I'm like, this is a horrible precedent. So they had to go in the bin.

I was a bit like that. They went in the bin? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know me with ice creams and everything. It's like, get this out of the house. But I thought that would be great for you. It's like, I've got to, I've now, if I don't want my child to be eating these, I've just

got to polish the whole, saying that you've got the greatest excuse for don't say her name. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just going to have to polish all these off by myself. No. I'm not got to polish the whole... You've got the greatest excuse for don't say her name. I'm sorry I'm just going to have to polish all these off by myself. I didn't want that kid to get a sugar addiction. But I also know me well that I will do that and I'm thinking I don't want to do that. So they need to go in the bin. They need to get the fuck out.

Or they're gone. Not good for either of us. But at least forked him. What's it giving you in terms of... Are you looking at the... Are you listening to the phonetics of the name? Is it inspiring little ball points in the sky? I mean, that park is such a staple of my childhood that it is really hard to let go of that. So based on the fact that her name reminds me of a park,

I think that Elise's star sign should be two dogs fucking. Oh, right. Yeah, okay. Or at least some dogging in a park. Yeah. Oh, that. Yeah, okay. Or at least some dogging. Yes, exactly. In a park. Yeah. So, oh, that's easy.

You know what that is. That's, let's say it's more public park rooting. Okay. Forksy the dogger. Yeah, yeah. And that's obviously like the classic graffiti of like a couple of straight lines with the bell end and then a couple of buttocks.

Okay. Yeah. So there's like a three star curve of buttocks. Yep. And then the bell end and a couple of dots that way. Some real public toilet graffiti, but in the sky. In the sky. Yeah.

So Elise's star sign is a dick going into a bottom. Yes. Absolutely. And because that's in the sky, that's public. Yes. So that is, and by you looking up at the sky, you are effectively dogging. Yes. Because you're watching that happen.

Right, right, right. Yeah. Faulkner the Falker. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think? Yeah. I like it.

Yeah, yeah. Falksy. Yeah. That'd be the star sign you want. You know, you don't want Porteous the fat cunt. You know, you're in the school ground. Oh, what are you? When were you born?

Oh, you want the fucker. Yeah. You want the dick in the sky. Porteous the fat cunt, Glenn the rag, or Forksy, or Fork, what? Faulkner the forker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, look, if I had to pick, I'd pick the dick going into the ass. Yeah, yeah. And. Yeah. Look, if I had to pick, I'd pick the dick going into the ass. Yeah. Yeah. And as for the star signs. Elise, what do you think of that as a name? Yeah. Me, personally. I don't mind it.

I've got nothing against it. I quite like it. And also, I don't see it enough to know anyone that I don't like. It's a rare one. It's a rare one. And I think I maybe only have ever met one Elise in my life. I reckon it's a bit of a... It feels like a little bit of an older name,

but it also is enough of a different name that I... If I was like... If I met an Elise, I'd be like, clean slate here. I don't really know what to think. And I quite like that. Yeah. No prejudgments on an Elise.

If anything... That's an interesting thing to say to someone. They introduce themselves no pre-judgments on an elise if anything that's an interesting thing to say to someone they introduce themselves and you go cards on the table i've never known someone with this name before yeah so whatever you're like yes that is going to affect my view of the name forever so look the pressure's on because i might meet an elise down the line who might be great and if you've cunted me yeah i'm not going to give them a chance. And, you know, now that you've said it, you know, the bell's gone off in my head. I don't mind it.

Good work. Good name. You know what? Maybe this is a baby name for me down the track. But if you fuck me, fuck me up. Yep. Bang. That's it.

Line through that name forever. I'm going to start doing that. Yeah. I'm going to start being more honest with people. Like, look, I've got to be honest. I've got no real affiliation with this name one way or the other. So this is in your hands. This is an audition.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if someone said that to me, first of all, I'd go, you're fucking insane. Yeah. You've never met a Tommy? You've never met a Tom before. All right. I've never met a Gaslow.

Because it doesn't exist as a name but uh it really would put me on my best behavior i'd really be thinking like i i can't fuck up a whole you'd be representing people yeah exactly yeah you'd be doing that thing where like when you're on film where you're like going fuck how do i walk again you know you'd be like fuck how do i how am i gonna act i'm representing a you know what do you reckon tommy is that'd be like, fuck, how am I going to act? I'm representing a... What do you reckon Tommy is? That'd be interesting. Tom is a name. Thomas, Tommy, Tom.

What do you reckon the population of the world, what percentage of the world has that name? Has some form of Thomas? Yes. It's pretty common. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say it's...

I mean, I'd say... Although, yeah, I mean say it's i mean i'd say i wrote more although yeah i mean it's very it's very common western of course i mean i was gonna say i reckon it's eight percent i don't think so but it'd be it'd be close it might be close yeah because you look there's a lot of um there's a lot of china a lot of china there's a lot of china there's a lot of india there's a lot of there's a lot of China a lot of China there's a lot of China there's a lot of India there's a lot of India yeah

there's a lot of China yeah although I'd quite like to meet some just just there's got to be some Chinese people called Tom that in some way it's not

they're not adopting the English name Tom there's for some reason there's a Chinese name called Tom as well yeah you know what I mean they're thought of independently yep adopting the English name Tom. Yeah. For some reason, there's a Chinese name called Tom as well. Yeah. You know what I mean?

They're thought of independently. Yep, yep. I reckon there would be. There'd be out there, I think. There has to be. Yeah. It's a pretty easy word to say, Tom. Tom.

You can do that. That's fucking, anyone can make that word up. No wonder it's around. Yeah, exactly. That's a fucking, my kid could make that word up. Yeah, my kid could have named me. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, I, yeah, I wonder kid could make that name. Yeah, my kid could have named me. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I wonder how we could find that out, if there's any way. But yeah, I think it'd be up there. I think it'd be up amongst Sam and John. I think Tom, Sam and John. Sam? I think Sam's pretty common. You think Sam's in the same ballpark as Tom? I think so.

Nah. I've met a very small handful of Sams. Okay. I'm basing this at school. There were as many Sams as Toms. Wow. Yeah, there were a lot of Sams. Nah.

You think in comedy how many Toms there are. There's plenty. Well, then Dave, I guess, is the other big one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In comedy at least. Yes, yes. But again, I don't really know too many Daves outside of comedy. Okay. Well, and my own father. He's in comedy. He's in comedy at least but again i don't really know too many days outside of comedy okay well and my own father he's in comedy he's in comedy yeah he produced a comedian he should get a festival pass if that's literally how he introduces himself to people at gigs

oh is he yeah he goes he'll meet people at a show and he'll be like i'm a comedy producer does he say that yeah yeah fuck yeah and he said that's a good gag yeah yeah and I think he I think he really had someone going once I wish I could remember who it was

and we're like oh oh and then got down the line and he's like yeah so what I meant was I produced Tommy

I came and that's there he is over there my cum all grown up yep bombing bombing his little ass off

yeah yeah wish I'd worn a dinger exactly yeah but thanks Elyse over there, my cum, all grown up. Bombing. Bombing his little arse off. Wish I'd worn a dinger. Thanks, Elyse. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ryan Ferrero. Ferrero Rocher. Oh yeah. That's a great man once said. That's a great man once said.

Ryan Ferrero. A bit of your home country up there in the stars. I think we grew up next to each other. Oh, really? Yeah. In the town of, in the small little, what, southern? Oh, yeah. Where did we say I'm from? Big Dickier.

The Big Dickier region of Italy. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Very nice. Nice in the summer. Very nice in the summer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Very nice. Very nice in the summer. Very nice in the summer. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

A little bit touristy for me. Yeah. A lot of people, a lot of girls and boys wanting to go down there and chase that region. So, yeah, a bit too popular for me. Yeah. Yeah. Not for me personally. No.

I'd rather sit somewhere else in the summer. Okay. Like where? Than, oh, you know, like, what's it up north? It in the summer. Okay. Like where? Than, oh, you know, like, what's it, what's it up north?

Vagio. Vagio, yeah, yeah, yeah. I quite like it. Yeah. I quite like it.

There's, yeah, most of the month, it's pretty nice up there. Yep. Yeah, yeah. Except for like,

just a few days there. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Yeah. Sorry to lead you into that one. This is real Tim Allen kind of gear we're doing right now. You know what?

We had a good run there for a while. It was all pretty good. And then there's some fuckheads that like listen to this show. And that's probably their favorite bit of the show right then. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Yeah. The people that listen for when we slip up and accidentally say something heinous.

Yeah. And pretty hacky and shit. Yeah. Yeah. That's entertained people who've never heard who aren't really that into comedy, and that's the first time they've ever heard a fucking dull gag like that. And then the people who are waiting for us to slip up, that's entertaining. Exactly, yeah.

The comedy police out there. But Ron Ferraro, yeah, the star sign. This is a tricky one. Is it a bit, would you go a little bit Italian? Or not? Feels a bit on the nose. Well, I mean, you can do it, though. Oh, that's very true.

Not me. Then, yeah, it's a big old sloppy pizza pie with some meatballs and, yeah, nice burrata. Oh, what's a burrata? Burrata is like the big kind of mound of cheese that, like, you cut into and then it's real, it's all liquidy inside. Have you seen that? Oh, okay. Fucking's all liquidy inside. Have you ever seen that? Okay. Fucking delicious.

Yeah, right. Yeah. You know what? Cheese is a thing like wine I wish I was more into. I wish I was – you see it all and you go, fuck, that looks awesome. And then you eat it and you go, oh, it's cheese. It's sort of a bit weird. I mean, you don't get all this fancy cheese and then just put it into a sandwich, do you?

I don't know. No, you get a little sampling. You get a little smorgasbord. You get some crackers. You kind of sit there and you just pick away for an hour or so. Beautiful stuff. Maybe I need to sit down and concentrate and do that. Maybe I should do that.

If you get yourself a good brie, get a burrata. I mean, if you get a burrata, slice a bit of tomato, get some crackers. Or like a or like a caprese salad in Italy just slice tomato and a fucking big chunk of mozzarella

can we what about this can we plan this now I think we talked about this on a Patreon episode let's make worlds collide can we after the comedy festival

once we're once we've there's a bit of a relief can we have a night at your house maybe just throw four of. Can we have a night at your house? Maybe there's three or four of us and we have a cheese night and we have a few beers. I know all wine night, but I'm not, again, I'm not into wine. I'll have a few beers and have some cheese.

And we watch fucking Jackass. Absolutely not. Damn. That'd be good. That'd be good. I am keen to watch the Jackass movies again not. Damn. That'd be good. That'd be good. I am keen to watch the Jackass movies again, though. Yeah, right. Okay, well, let's do that.

So, we... So, Ryan Ferraro, he's a... Are we saying that he's a pizza pie in the sky? Is that... When the moon hits your eye. You know what, that's an easy one, because then you just count, like, a couple of big stars in a circle

and then all the little stars in the middle. Pepperoni. Yeah, that's your topping. Yeah, exactly. And you can imagine that whatever way you want, whatever you fucking want. Oh, it's like a choose your own adventure star sign. Yeah, yeah. You can look at it and you can go, yeah, that's mushroom and that's ham.

Or you can be like, oh, look at all that pepperoni or yeah, whatever you want. Or little, you know, bits of, little tiny bits of cheese. Yeah, that's a nice one. Because then as a parent, when you're introducing your kid to the star sign, you just go, you know what? You know what that is up there?

What's your favorite topping again? Pineapple. Yeah, that's that. See? A little child whose favorite topping is pineapple. Man, I got in a heated argument the other day with Brett Blake. I saw Brett Blake. We both had a few beers and we met each...

We didn't on purpose meet each other. We just ran into each other on the street. And he'd just been to a pizza shop and he goes... And I said, oh, I'm on my way there. And he goes, you can have a piece of mine. And it was a bit of Hawaiian. And I went, thank... Oh, okay.

Thanks. I'll have that. Thank you. Then I picked off the Hawaiian, chucked it on the ground. He fucking went mental at me. How dare you do that? Fucking blah, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah, I'll have that, thank you. Then I picked off the Hawaiian, chucked it on the ground, and he fucking went mental at me. How dare you do that? Fucking blah, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah, but I don't want that bit.

You gave it to me and I don't want that bit, and I really appreciate the rest of it, but I'm not eating the Hawaiian bit if that's okay. No, fucking how dare you, fucking you weirdo, fucking blah, blah, blah. No, that's a commonly held thing that a lot of people don't want pineapple on pizza. Yes?

That that's common? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I thought you're sitting there. I'm like, here we go.

I'm going to get the Tommy Dasso judgment any second here. You're intently listening, watching. I'm taking in all the detail. I mean, I honestly think you're both freaks. Right. This is an argument that's happening, what, standing up in the middle of the street while one of you is holding a pizza box at midnight. Yeah.

I mean, there's no winners here. Yeah, yeah. This is Aliens versus Predator. I'll take that the draw because you're so vehement on like, I was doing the worst thing in the world. It's like, this is a very, I'm not Robbins and Caruso here.

It's a very commonly held opinion. I think I can see where he's coming from though. If you've got this thing that you really, really love and you want all of it, and then one piece of that has gone by someone who wants like 80% of it. It's like, you're on your way to get a pizza anyway. Just go and get the pizza. Don't waste a slice of my good one by not eating all of it.

But again, I didn't ask for his piece. He volunteered it. Well, he volunteered it. That's a different thing. Here's your thing. I understand that it's like, oh, he's giving you a present, and then I've just gone, cool, and just fucking ripped half of it off and chucked it away or whatever. So I get it.

But also, I'm not going to eat pineapple just so he won't yell at me. I'll take the yell, and I won't eat the pineapple. Yeah. Yeah. I would have been, yeah, to be honest, I would have felt rude picking the pineapple off. Okay. So I would have just kind of gripped my teeth and just probably gone and spewed around the corner. I mean, this is like the lamest argument.

It's like people that go, no, they're potato cakes. They're scallops. They're just called different things in different places. Shut the fuck up. There honestly is no right or wrong. The pineapple thing is like People that vehemently get into it It's like

Yeah you just like what you like Yes It's fine Yes It's not for me Yes And it is What I find annoying

Is someone who doesn't like it That it is ubiquitous enough That if you're in a group And you're ordering pizza And everyone's kind of You know everyone gets a bit of a say of Invariably A Hawaiian ends up in the mix And I always kind of think This is invariably a Hawaiian ends up in the mix.

And I always kind of think this is a shame because there's one in the mix now that I just absolutely am not interested in. And that's annoying. It is popular enough that it's going to be in front of you at some point. And then all the other ones get taken up. All the slices are gone and you sort of get tempted. You're like, I mean, I'm still pretty hungry. I guess I'll just have a slice of this oh you know what i'm actually a fan of the wine because i relentlessly take the the pineapple

off because once you do that you get a ham pizza a very simple nice a ham pizza is a fucking good pizza like i'm not i'm not one of these you know i mean i know that's the australian culture of having fucking 17 things on a pizza but you know, you have Italian proper pizza and it's like one thing on it, two things on it, whatever it is. Oh yeah, they're like... So you take the pineapple off, you've got a fucking sweet ham pizza. Yeah, I... Also, what I like about picking the pineapple off is I like the flavour of pineapple.

I like pineapple juice. Yeah. So I just don't really like the texture of it. Yes. So you take the pineapple off and then you've just got a little bit of residue there. You're just getting a hint of the flavour on there. I'm with you. Without the like... It's not the taste of it. Yes. So you take the pineapple off and then you've just got, you've got a little bit of residue there. You're just getting a hint of the flavor on there. I'm with you.

Without the like, it's not the taste of it, it's the texture that's a problem for me on pizza. I'm with you. It's so jarring. Absolutely with you. It's like putting fucking,

you know, it's like putting, going to like Cold Rock and putting like gummy bears in your ice cream. Absolutely. It's a clash of texture. Absolutely.

This might be the only thing that we've created. No, absolutely. And you know what I liken it to as well is the burgers at McDonald's where I always get the sauce out of it. But people go, well, just order it without the sauce. But, you know, you wipe the sauce out of it. You've just got a little bit left. You've got the sort of, you know, you've made it a little.

You've got a bit of juice here. You've got a little bit of wetness in the burger instead of when you order it without it. There's fucking nothing in there. Yeah, I mean, that know, you've made it a little, you've got a bit of juice here, you've got a little bit of wetness in the burger, instead of when you order it without it, there's fucking nothing in there. Yeah, I mean, that is like, you do look, I've been to Macca's with you, and you look mental scraping it, but hey, if you're happy to deal with that, then that's on you. Yeah. All right, well, thanks, thanks, thanks Ryan the Pizza. Yeah.

What do we call him? I think just Ryan the Pizza is fine. Ryan the Pizza is fine. Ryan the Pizza. Yeah, yeah the Pizza is fine. Ryan the Pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Fuck.

You know, I thought we were going to do a short one, but we're having so much fun. But look, all good things must come to an end. Let's do one more. Yeah, okay. And then I've got to go home. Yeah, it's getting late. We've been doing so much late night recording lately. Yeah, we have. A, it's getting late. We've been doing so much late night recording lately. Yeah, we have.

A lot of work to do. A lot of comedy festival sort of bullshit to do. So, got to get into that. Okay. We've got one more. Let's see what we do. Let's just do this one more and let's get the fuck out of here. Fucking hell.

What? Look at the phone call I'm getting right now. Oh, no. Fiona Lachlan's ringing me at 11 o'clock at night. Uh-oh. uh fucking hell what look at the phone call I'm getting right now oh no Fiona Lachlan's ringing me at 11 o'clock at night uh oh uh

I've been trying to ring her all day I'm really tempted to answer this call no no yeah that's very fair

alright I'm gonna have to let's just let's just wait for it to finish ringing because I've actually got the

the phone hooked up to the UTA so oh right yeah yeah yeah. So you can't read it. You've just been staring at it for like 45 minutes. It hasn't gotten into your brain?

Here we go. Okay. Yeah, so all right. Well, now there's no holdups. No, now I'm going to hit the big red button. I hadn't hit the big red button. Okay, right, right, right. So now you can hit it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay. Now I can hit it. Right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. Star Comedy. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Oh okay Star comedy Oh okay

Right Yeah Yeah what do you think? So what's that? A bunch of stars that Make out the shape of like An old Elvis style microphone Yeah sure

Yes Lots of them grouped together To kind of really Get across the little grill thing That's on that old microphone. Fuck, she's ringing again. We better finish this. We better wrap it up, guys.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets and all that sort of stuff. Come see our solo shows. Come see a live podcast. Go support comedy. We'll see you next time. See you, Max. See you.