The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 549 - Live! Chris Franklin, Tom Ballard & Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

This week we're greeted by some muffins on the stage as we're joined by guests TOM BALLARD, DAVE O'NEIL and CHRIS FRANKLIN! Tom's been slammed by a journalist after an appearance on (our mate) The Project, Dave's been filming for Postcards with an ex-footballer AND we welcome Chris Franklin, a legend of Australian comedy, onto the show for his debut - and what a debut it is! We chuck as many coins as we can into the Chris Franklin Jukebox and we get all the hits: the origins of his number one hit single, his extremely rare medical condition, his time working with some bonafide rock legends, and his brushes with the law. It's almost as good as a wet muffin! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by friend of the show, Brett Blake, and his new comedy festival show, Go Hard or Go Home. From the 7th of April, Blakey doing stand-up, going absolutely full throttle for an hour. You've heard him on the show dozens of times at this point. You love him. He's one of the standouts. He's one of the favourites. So go and check out that show. Carl, he's been doing a lot of gigs for you. You've seen him in full force at the moment. I saw him in full force over the weekend. And then he went to hospital from going too much in full force. Nice. So go hard or go home.

Or a third option, go to hospital. No, we had a big lunch and we thought he'd gone too hard. But it was literally, this is the dumbest thing. We had a big, infamous Milan, rock pool lunch. We all went but a bunch of friends of the show all went and then we said he sends me a picture of himself in hospital the next day i'm like jesus christ he is he's gone that hard and then even worse than that he wasn't there from drinking too much he was in there from eating a dodgy kebab yep you just had rock Yep. What the hell are you doing? Yeah, because that's the crazy thing.

I saw him that night at like 9.30 getting into an Uber to go home after my show was finished. And then somehow in 12 hours in between, I'm seeing a photo of him on our socials, him in a hospital bed, breaking the news. But great stand up in red hot form at the moment. All on the up and up for him at the moment. It's all on the up-and-up for him at the moment. And you love him. He does a lot for the show.

He's always happy to be on here and do stuff when he's not pulling out to do wine festivals. So get on to him. Limited run. Go and see him. Go and see a friend of the show. Mate, you know what? Even if it's one of your things where on your way to the drunk cast,

a lot of people tend to make a little plan where they go and see a bunch of comedy on the way there, a friend to the show. So make him that day or any other day. Go check him out now. He is on. It's started now. It's on until the 18th of April.

Comedy.com.au for tickets. Go hard or go home. Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Tom Ballard, Dave O'Neill, and Chris Franklin. Perth, we have a big live show coming up for you Saturday, April the 24th at the Rosemount Hotel. Not many tickets left. It's us doing a huge live podcast with great special guests and a stand-up show.

Very, very excited to hit the West. God, it's going to be great. Absolutely. We've finally got the date in the book. It's happening. It's happening. It's on a Saturday afternoon, so no excuses not to come and have a big one. It's going to be great. Absolutely. I've finally got the date in the book. It's happening. It's happening. It's on a Saturday afternoon, so no excuses not to come and have a big one. It's going to be heaps of fun.

I've already booked in everything I'm getting there. Everything. Days early. Days early. You've got your whole itinerary down to the minute plan, do you? Yes. Itinerary. Pool.

Yep. Peele. Beers. Peele. And that's about it. When do you get there? Thursday morning. Yeah, I've got to book mine.

I'll probably do that. Yeah. I'll slide in Thursday. Have a beautiful little Friday. Changed my plans for which hotel I was staying in, so Errol P. Mosquito. Trying to outsmart even yourself. He's on the run. The game hasn't even begun yet.

He's already changed hotels. I love it. Good luck, everyone out there, tracking him down. Yeah, nice. Now, people in Melbourne, my show starts this week. My new solo show starts this week. It's Carl Chandler. Please call me Carl.

Mr. Comedy was my father. So it's at the Imperial Hotel every night. Or if you want to hang around after the live podcast on the next two Saturdays, it's immediately after that at the European Beer Cafe at 5 o'clock in the afternoon on a Saturday. Otherwise, it's 8.15 every night or 7.15 on Sunday. So heaps of new jokes, 150 new jokes, heaps of fucking around. So get around to see that. Nice. Check all that stuff out.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com is where you can find all the links. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this great new live one. Tom Ballard, Dave O'Neill and the debut of Chris Franklin. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo.

With me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Nickers. We're here back for another big live episode in Melbourne. A round of applause if you were here last week for our show. My parents were here in the audience last week, which we talked about during the show, and I found out last night that after the show, my mother went up to Ed Cavilley and said,

just got to say, I love watching you on Are You Being Served? Well, I did notice when he was up here his pussy was wet You can see it pretty accurately from the front row too There's probably some pictures from that cunt right there He's at it again Don't film us! I mean, we are recording this to release

but don't film us! We want it on our terms Hey, thank you Can we turn the heater on in here or something, please? but don't film us. We want it on our terms. Okay. Hey, thank you. Can we turn the heater on in here or something, please? I mean, I know I say a lot that I miss Koh Samui but... Fuck, I might have to start taking clothes off at some point during this. Fuck. No, stop.

These lights are very hot up here as well, so just so you know. What the fuck's this? So this is, we go down the rabbit hole, do we open presents that we've been given on stage? Yeah. Yes? That just means it's from you. Alright, okay. Alright.

We have a card here that says, dear Carl, happy birthday. Oh yeah. Thank you. It's not, but anyway Happy Ramadan too, Carl From us to you For your stand-up promo shots This is going to be a visual gag This will translate well

If we ever needed a sealed section The first time there's ever a sealed section Here we go The first time there's ever a sealed section For lack of quality purposes Why haven't you done this for 10 years? Oh this is great For my next promo Stand up shots

Wow The old Elvis microphone Love it And also as you were taking the wrapping off Dust just came emanating out of the box. Yeah, it really was Elvis's

microphone right there. So, cheers. Now, the much better present that some, sorry, I just dropped it on the ground, but anyway.

The much better present that I've already taken a peek, I know what it is. Someone has gone to get me two muffins from

David Jones. Fuck yeah. It's not fucking chocolate. Got him. Nice work, whoever that was. This is not chocolate either. Has this person done this deliberately to fuck you or are they just fucking stupid?

It looks like chocolate to me. Yeah, I know you love Batman, so here's a Minnie Mouse cup. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah, I did say, I can see him. He's lit up, right? That cunt up the back. They just ruined my brunch.

What's the story? Was this a deliberate prank or was that just all they had? That's all they had. And you went, this'll do. You also came in as we were setting up and the glee on your face you're like, I got you some muffins Carl and this guy lit up like a Christmas tree. Fuck, you're excited. I didn't even look.

Well, we have a guest on later who's doing the show for the first time and I feel like they're up the back now watching this going, what the fuck have I said yes to? The little muffin club. God, you know what? You've got to try it. Well, what if we do the true test?

Because, I mean, I... You want him to have a bite first just to make sure there's nothing dodgy in it? Well, these are so good, the story that I told in the pod, because they were so good I ate them even though they nearly went down a storm drain. Right. Can we get a bucket that I can just dunk these into? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we get a bucket of water?

Oh, wow. Tony, can you bring us over the bucket? We can... Can you abandon your post to help us do content? Yeah. Oh, awesome. Thank you. Here we go. Lovely. Thank you. Let's just put that near the electrical equipment. Yeah.

And then if it doesn't go well, you can dunk your head in it afterwards. John Laws style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a knockout style. Here we go. Fucking hell. There's one and two. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a knockout style. Here we go. Fucking hell. There's one and two. Yeah, okay. Right.

And so now you're going to eat them? Now someone else is going to eat them. Pass this on to the bloke up the back that gave me the wrong muffin. This is... Who wants to try the wet muffin just to... Man, that sounds bad. Yes, please. Bring a bucket

and a mop. It is how you're being served. Who wants to test how good these wet muffins are? This... Now, I'm looking at the size of you cunts. Obviously, you do want

to fucking test it. Honestly, it's that hot in here. I'm amazed no one's into it just because they get a bucket of water with it as well. Oh, thank God. All in here. I'm amazed no one's into it just because they get a bucket of water with it as well. Oh, thank God.

All right, well, they can soak until someone gets hungry. All right. All right. Well, there we go. So, yeah, the comedy festival is on at the moment. My show, Meatball, has done, I think, five nights so far.

Has it done four nights? Big business. It has been doing big business. Yeah, been doing some numbers. And I have a friend of mine who is in the show kind of teching and talking to me on a microphone uh my friend ben who some people might know does the filthy casuals podcast with me he was telling me the other day he was getting the tram in from his house into the city he was at the tram stop and a

guy came up to him and just started making making chat just making chat going where are you off to mate and ben's like oh i'm going into the comedy festival. And he goes, oh, what are you seeing? And he goes, oh, I'm actually sort of teching a show. I'm sort of in a show. And he goes, oh, what show are you in? And Ben goes, oh, Tommy Dasolo. And he goes, Tommy Dasolo? I'm a huge fan of the Dum Dum Club.

Wow, you know Tommy. That's amazing. So you just get to be around comedians. And oh, what are they like? What are comedians really like when they're off? Wow, that's so cool that you get to do this. Wow. And Ben's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, just trying to wrap up the conversation.

Ben tells me all this and then the end of the story was he goes, by the way, this man was wearing a moon boot, crutches, and had no shirt on. Normally at this point I'd ask, is he here tonight? But I think we'd fucking know already. Yeah, the staircase is a bit hard to get up. Yeah, exactly. He's listening to it piped in down in the basement going, fuck, they're killing up there.

Must be nice. Great. How's this? Yesterday was the Good Friday appeal on Channel 7. Heard of it. Yeah. Benefited from it. Yeah, exactly.

on Channel 7. Heard of it? Yeah. Benefited from it. Yeah, exactly. There's an argument to be made that that's the only reason I'm here today doing this podcast right now. What was that? What? Oh, sorry, I just thought someone started playing the Fast and the Furious through the sound system. No, people started laughing and that threw you off. Oh, yeah, yeah.

What's that sound? Ah, the venue's haunted! Okay. My Good Friday appeal yesterday on Channel 7. Yep. My wife, don't say her name, made an appearance on it. Oh, man, I'm so sorry to hear that. She's 12.

She's eight. She's eight. She's eight. They just assumed there was something wrong with her by the look of her husband. Oh, you've got a nasty growth here.

No, but she was on. She was on TV and she got heaps of calls and whatever and I was like, fuck. I mean, we're so used to our guests coming on

and then ending up on TV. Now my own wife has surpassed my career. Right, right. And did you abuse her for not wearing an I'm Aware t-shirt on the Good Friday appeal?

You fucking bitch! How could you do this? Fuck. I really fucking should have thought of that. Fuck, that would have been good. No, she was holding up a big cheque.

Oh, wow. For how much? Oh, I didn't look. I was looking at her. Oh, right. Money doesn't mean much to me. Interesting. Subscribe to our Patreon or you're a cunt.

Are you talking about which one of you wants the muffin? Let's just sort of check in on how they're looking. It's ripening. Fuck, actually, yeah. The meat is literally dropping off the bone, guys. The slow cooker we've got up here. That is a bit too wet. That is falling apart.

Yeah, no, put it on the ground. That's the better place for it. Yeah. So you're giving it some time to... Yeah, so now you're actually going to bake it under the lights. Yeah, no, this is all smart stuff, I reckon. Yeah. Yeah, no, fuck that.

Yeah. Fuck. All right. That's going back in. Oh, no. It's going back in. All right. What a beautiful metaphor for what this show is,

just chucking a fallen apart soggy muffin back into a bucket of water, a bucket of warm water. Yeah. Oh, we don't even need guests, do we? Where do you get your ideas? Okay. All right. Let's get our first guest out here.

Folks, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Tom Ballard. Hello, everyone. Hi. Hi. Oh, what better way to spend a 30-degree day? Wow, now there's three muffin tops up here. I didn't even get through my first fucking line, you bald little cancer cunt.

It's fucking Easter, for God's sakes. A bit of charity. Let a pudgy man roast you before you point out how fat he is. Give me the fucking muffin. Oh God, it's so wet. See how Bella was repelled by the wet muffin?

No, yeah, it is very hot. Like I mentioned, you are up here committing one of the cardinal sins of comedy, as far as Carl Chandler's concerned. Where is the part two of your trousers? I thought you only were supposed to wear shorts when you do comedy. I feel we can all agree, dum-dum's in a very different category. Whatever the fuck this is. Performance art, to some degree.

Call me Tom, Mr Shorts is my father. That doesn't even make sense. But thanks for laughing, everybody. It's fucking comedy! That is brand recognition. They're recognising the name of my show without buying tickets to it. How are they going? How are sales going?

Not amazing. Yeah, right. Not amazing. Let's just say the other day we put the drunk cast on sale. Yeah. And it doubled my sales within one hour. You were telling us you got some feedback about your appearance on the project. Yes, I was on the project this week.

No big deal, guys. Whatever. We've done that once. Yes. And they've been guests since you guys. It was you and then Katy Perry. No, no, it was us and then that was it. That was it.

For a year? Well, I was back at the desk and someone at the Spectator, Corinne at the Spectator, did not enjoy my work, which is very weird. If you know The Spectator, they are right-wing cunts. Hang on, so you're not right-wing? I'm not, no. Right, right. I'm the other one.

Okay, right. And, you know, like in the Senate. Yeah, yeah. You like any wing as long as there's a turkey, I think. Is that right? Oh, he did it! Don't bring me down with that one. Come on.

And I made some jokes about how Peter Dutton should get coronavirus and die and how I was happy when he got coronavirus and died. And this is funny. Just keep in mind, Spectator, they're the home of anti-wokeness and political greatness is killing comedy. So this is her thoughts on my little spot. On Wednesday nights, the Project, Tom Ballard decided to throw some jokes around about coronavirus. Just decided.

Imagine. Unprompted, he entered the television studio. He went rogue and did comedy. These weren't accidental jokes, is what he's saying. No, it's almost like I prepared them and gave them the questions to give me the feedlines. He said a baby got it and it was sad and then Peter Dutton got it and it was like, wow, it's my hero.

I actually want to vote for the virus and I support the work that it's doing. I mean, thank you. I didn't deliver it that well, but you know. No gear on the podcast, please, mate. 750 Melbourne Town Hall. A laughing... A laughing Peter Hellyer chipped in.

Based on that and my years of knowing you, Tom, you do lean a little bit left, don't you? I have a joke. This is the author now. I have a joke. Remember when their ABC acts tonightly with Tom Ballard after just one year? 18 months, bitch. Hellyer wasn't really left with much choice

other than to underscore Ballard's politics. What can you say when someone's just made a joke? When someone's just make a joke about COVID killing people? Terrible editing. If Ballard is such a self-proclaimed fan of the virus and the work that it's doing, perhaps he'd like to move to the US where it's killed over half a million people.

Or Brazil where it's killed nearly 320,000 people. Or perhaps India where it's killed over half a million people. Or Brazil where it's killed nearly 320,000 people. Or perhaps India where it's killed over 160,000 people. Maybe he'd like to sit down and talk to families and loved ones of those killed by this horrendous deadly virus that causes agony before death. That makes a good point. Yeah. You're history's greatest monster.

Yeah. This is nearly as bad as the fucking shorts you're wearing up here Anyway, next article Why Daryl Summers is correct about fucking everybody Lighten up, you can't joke about anything anymore Carl Is there an assumption there that Peter Hellyer doesn't share a lot of your politics Yeah, why do you get sucked into it?

Famously right wing Peter Hellyer was dragged down by lefty Tom Ballard. It was very confused. Anyway, 750 Melville Tunnel. Did that just change times? No. Oh, okay. All right.

Are you okay? You're hearing the Fast and the Furious. You're getting times mixed up. We're having a stroke. Whatever this is. Yeah. Man, that looks really bad now. It looks like a literal puke in a bucket now.

I really didn't think this through. Has it ruined the David Jones muffin for you? Are you now going to be picturing that when you do have one of the correct muffins? This more reminds me of the drunk cast at this point. Okay, we get our second guest out. All right, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Dave O'Neill! Dave O'Neill! Hey, Puffs!

There it is, everybody! He said it! Hey, real Puff, how are you? Please, call me Tom, Mr Puff was my father. 815 Imperial Hotel. Dave, you're looking great, can I say? Thank you, I'm just here to make Tom look good. Am I the fattest guy now on your podcast?

We've got kind of a Russian doll situation going here, haven't we? Look at me. Oh, look, lunch has arrived. Look at that. I'd probably eat that. It's pre-chewed. Yeah, it's lunch is arrived. Look at that. I'd probably eat that. It's pre-chewed. Yeah, it's no good. No good.

Yeah. All right, maybe I'll... What have you got? No, no, no. You go. You go if you want to. Whatever. No. What have you got health-wise?

What are you... Not a lot of health. I was in Fisk, whatever. And my wife said it's tragic me wearing this t-shirt like Peter Garrett wearing a Middletown shirt but I said I was only in one episode

so that's worse you're like the trombone player who comes on for the encore like yeah how is it merch so you're wearing a Fisk shirt over like

Kitty Flanagan's new sitcom that's been on for like two weeks and you've got merchandise already they give it to you when you go on it

but what does it say on the back it says soup, tea, scones butterscotch, dog, crew. Yeah, that's a joke from the show. Oh, right. I didn't know what it meant when they sent it to me. My wife put it straight in the op shop box.

I'm like, no, that's going to be a hit show. Get it out. But I did postcards the other day. No fucking T-shirt from them yet. So postcards is what, the Channel 9 sort of like... Travel show. Travel show, yeah. Yeah, we did behind the scenes

of the Comedy Festival. We came here. Shane Crawford was the interviewer. You went behind the scenes of the Comedy Festival? Fuck, it was unbelievable. What are comedians really like?

Where did they come up with their... Ideas. Muffins. I think they did ask me that where they come up with ideas. And it was just like a lot of empty chairs

and the cameraman was filming. We filmed here. We filmed here. And then I had to go and do the all-stars at the Palais you were on. I was. You guys don't know. We were washing our hair.

Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Yeah, I was washing my hair. Sorry, Susan, can't make it. Well, I got the call-up because I got called like two days beforehand for that. That doesn't help them at all. Fuck, we need someone.

Think, Susan Provan, think. Who could possibly need the exposure on national television? Who's going to say hey, poofs when they walk off? Well, I found out Peter Hellyer dropped out the day before. That's why I got asked. One fat guy, another fat guy. That's good. That's good.

Right wing comedian for right wing comedian. But anyway, Shane Crawford gave me a lift to the back of the Palais. Shane Crawford, AFL footballer. Hawthorne, the premiership player. Premiership player. Brownlap, very good. The board supporter. I didn't know who the fuck he was, but anyway.

Why is Ken Dole turned up I love that you know more about Barbie than football I love Ken anyway he gave me a lift at the back of the palais and I got out and Brett Blake and some of the comedians were sitting around and Brett Blake goes oh fucking look at you Brett Blake and some of the comedians two separate things well I thought he was delivering something He goes, oh, fucking look at you. Brett Blake and some of the comedians.

Two separate things. Well, I thought he was delivering something. He looks like a delivery man. Big gig for you, mate, doing the lighting for this. Really impressive. Anyway, Brett Blake goes, oh, look at you, fucking man of the people, sitting up front with your Uber driver. I said, mate, that's not an Uber driver.

That's Shane Crawford. They said, who's that? He said, I have no fucking idea Brownlow player A Brownlow player He played for the Brownlow They're a very good team, mate Win every year, I don't know Yeah, they're very good

They only get one new player every year And how did Shane Crawford spot on the gala go? Did he do well? Yeah, he killed, mate Got some of Sam Newman's material. Is this working or what? He used to fill in for Sam Newman, he was telling me. He used to do street talk when Sam wasn't available.

Because Sam refused to go to Footscray anymore. Because he got too much abuse in Footscray. It's a red zone, I can'tcray. It's a red zone. I can't go here. It's a red zone. Anyway, we've got another guest. Yeah, let's get our final guest out here. Folks, his first time on the show.

He's got some ripper stories. We're very excited to have him on. We've been asking for ages and he hasn't had time and we haven't had time. So we're really looking forward to this. Folks, please welcome into the little dum-dum club Chris the bloke Franklin! I went to get Chris a beer before the show started

and I said, what do you want? He said, just the closest thing to VB that they have and I've never been more stressed getting an order in my fucking life. You want to come back?

They've got this one from Norway. It's got some nice fruity hops in it. Yeah, yeah. What's the bogan country in Europe? Belgium, probably. Belgium? Is Belgium the most bogan country in Europe?

Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Russia, maybe. The Germans like their beer. Oh, the Germans. Yeah, they're the bogans. I saw them start a fight at the Disneyland line in Paris. Yeah, the Germans started a fight. They started a fight in where? In the queue to get into Disney, Euro Disney.

Oh, really? Yeah, they started a fight with some French guys. You saw German Bogans punch on in Euro Disney. They've got mullets and everything, the German Bogans. A lot of beers, but nothing like BB over there. Right, right. Lucky them. It is genuinely your favourite beer in the world, BB.

It is. I only drink BB or JD. I only drink... I can spell. All right, I'm putting a ban. No gear on the podcast. I've never done that joke on stage. Oh, really?

Fantastic. It's an exclusive. I think you're a... I'm trying to get this out. I've got a present, but I'm a bit concerned because it doesn't have chocolate in it. And I've seen what happens.

What is it? That's a cookie my partner made that's come over from Tasmania. That is the world's smallest fucking cookie. No, it's only a little piece of it because it doesn't have chocolate in it, but it might have some other... Yeah, don't. Be careful, Carl.

Do it. Do it. Do it careful, Carl. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. I'll eat it if you don't want it. Yeah, you have it. You have it.

I don't trust myself. Whoa. Space cookie. Nice. When you said it's got stuff that's not chocolate, you meant like nougat, right? Yeah. Nuts.

Nuts. Be cool. Oats and things. Yeah. It's a Nanzac biscuit. Imagine Gallipoli with oats that would be yeah makes you oh fuck man

there's a donkey bro this is too heavy man am I the donkey this is intense is that a machine gun what is that dude are they Turks coming over the hill

I don't know what's going on? They would have had a better outcome. What's wrong with you? Was this too forensic here? You're fucking lefty. Chris, yeah, first time doing the podcast. Like we said, we've tried to tee this up before when you've been in Melbourne.

It's never quite worked out time-wise. When you walked in, I think you... Is it fair to say you're a little... You're excited to do this pod. You're pumped up to do it. That's very flattering. And, yeah, we're very excited to have you here. But I think you were a little maybe trepidatious about the audience

because you said, I haven't worn the flanny today. I walked in and said, there is a room full of fucking nerds here. I mean, I tidied it up, but yeah, that is what you said. To be fair, I think everyone's a nerd compared to you. You all listen to this podcast, do you? Basically, I think so, yeah.

I've had half an hour listening to it from over there and I'm going, what the fuck are they getting out of this? What do you have, Chris, a Nokia 2210? You used to rock at the old school? I've got the one on the wall in the kitchen. What do you have, Chris? A Nokia 2210? Or what do you have? You used to rock at the old school? I've got the one on the wall in the kitchen. I think you are our first guest that's been on the show that's had a number one single.

Wow. Because we can't get the fucking avalanches, so we've got Chris Franklin. First person with a number one single, or maybe even anywhere close to a thing. So what year was yours? You got a number one single or maybe even anywhere close to a thing. So what year was your... You got a number one single with Bloke? 2000.

With Bloke in 2000. 2000. Yeah, nice one. But Dave, did Captain Coco ever make it to number one? Mate, you know the name of my band was Noiseworks. We put out a record. We never went number one. Right.

No, no, no. I saw the guy from the record company selling records at the market about a month later. Oh, really? Yeah, he wasn out a record. We never went number one. Right. No, no, no. I saw the guy from the record company selling records at the market about a month later. Oh, really? Yeah, he wasn't doing well. He had some kind of breakdown, I believe. They had a huge hit after they sacked the bass player. That was me.

But basically your song was a parody of Meredith Brooks, was it? Yeah. Did you ever speak to her? No, what happened was I was doing a show at the Espy and I finished with the song. Someone from EMI was in the audience and came over and said, we want to record your song.

And I went, you're fucking joking, aren't you? Have you heard me? The head of EMI Australia in Sydney is a fellow called Tony Barlow. Flew to America and the UK. Doesn't he supply the shoes on Wheel of Fortune? He's moved up. Did he get demoted after signing you? He flew and spoke both to Meredith Brooks,

and she wrote the lyrics, and Shelley Peakin from the UK, I think she was, wrote the music. Meredith said, yeah, she didn't understand the song at all. Shelly said my music's art. It's like a portrait you hang on the wall and I don't want it desecrated like that and he came back and told me that and I said go back and tell her I've

gone over a masterpiece in crayon and I didn't stay within the line. Fantastic. He went back and suggested to her what their figures said this song might make in Australia, and she went, fuck art. Awesome, awesome. So this was back when music made money, like when putting out albums and stuff made money.

There was instruments in it and everything. Yeah, right. This is what I've heard. So that's 20,. Yeah, right. This is what I've heard. So that's 20, 21 years ago now. This is what I've heard. I've heard a lot of comedians say that when they're on tour with you, they end up going to a pub and drinking, and then you find a jukebox, you find a karaoke night,

find your own song, and then sing along to your own song. Well, no, not quite his own song. He finds someone else's song and fucks it up over the top of it. Karaoke, it doesn't have to be my song. I can put bitch on because the words don't come out with the music. Oh, right. Okay, you just do the different lyrics. I do look for bloke, though, because if it is my song,

APRA pay me half a cent every time. Again, sounds like my comedy festival show. So, now, my comedy festival show. Now, this is another thing. A lot of this stuff I haven't brought up with you because I wanted to save it for the podcast. But I've heard that you had a very certain medical condition that is extremely, extremely rare. Extremely rare.

Yes, I had AIDS twice. No, no, no. Come on. G'day, poofs. And we're back. This is amazing. This is amazing. I caught scurvy many years ago.

Which is first fleet. That's first Fleet stuff. Yeah, I know. I was in Sydney at the time. The doctor I saw said, it looks like scurvy, but it can't be. There hasn't been a case for 100 years. Yeah.

Saying that you caught it is a bit rich. You inflicted it upon yourself. What did you go on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? Right from the start, all right. I was drinking so heavily, I decided that most animals were carnivores or herbivores and we needed to pick a fucking team. And I chose carnivore and only ate meat for two years, basically.

Wow. For these people to be amazed at a diet is amazing. Yeah. these people to be amazed at a diet is amazing. So you eat meat so unhealthy, you should exclusively eat wet muffins to maintain a healthy diet. You need balance. How do you treat scurvy?

How do you treat it? Huge shots of vitamin C, basically, to get you back to normal. It presented as bleeding gums and I had scabs all over. I don't know if you can see the pigment gone out of my arms. More visual stuff that the folks at home are missing out on. Come to the show, guys.

They should have come to the live show. Yeah, exactly. What does it feel like, I guess? Painful. Yeah. Man, there's some good jokes here, guys. I'm going to keep digging if you guys are fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in.

So you used to have giant shots fine did you also start eating fruit? what happened was you're not a fucking bitch am I right mate? you're not a bloody sheila with a fucking faggot fruit I was drinking that heavily when the doctor said

you need a lot of vitamin C what I heard him say was you've got to stop drinking beer and start drinking vodka and orange. That didn't work. Are you in a medical journal or anything like that? I don't know. It'll be recorded somewhere. My favourite was the doctor.

I went in and saw him. He said, looks like scurvy. Can't be. I'll do some tests. Come back in a week. I went back a week later and his medical diagnosis was, it fucking is. Would have loved to see you popping up on the Good Friday appeal that year. Folks, we've got this rare case.

No one's seen it in decades and decades. This 49-year-old poor little boy with skirting. Keep him in your thoughts, guys. With a Jack Daniel in my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Were you worried about COVID or you were like, fuck it? Yeah, yeah.

My body's seen some shit. Ground zero. That's great. What else? I've got a story about you that I've heard. I would love to hear from you. I am terrified. Legend was that you and another comedian had a big night at the Festival Club during Melbourne Comedy Festival.

You have been drinking all night, having a great old time. You end up in the gut night at the Festival Club during Melbourne Comedy Festival. You have been drinking all night, having a great old time. You end up in the gutter outside the Festival Club. I think you fell, hit your teeth, started bleeding out of your mouth. All over the muffin. Do you want me to go with this story? You looked up, there were police officers that had come over and seen if you were alright,

and you said, it's alright officers, we're comedians. Close. It wasn't my line. What happened was, we'd come out of the festival club, we were heading to the Expert Hotel. Who was it? There was myself, a comedian called Bev Kellick, and about 12 disciples of mine with mullets that were just fans following me. The scurvy bunch.

Scurvy do. Fucking hell. Scurvy Bunch. Scurvy Doo. Fuck it, Al. Scurvy, Scurvy Doo. Where are you? Scurvy Doo. You know, like Scooby Doo? It's getting a round of applause. It's getting a round of applause for some reason.

You should do it. Fuck this. What's the point? I told you they were nerds. The real mystery machine is why you cunts like that joke. We would have got away with it if it wasn't for medical science.

Damn those oranges. It's hurting us. You and 12 mulleted disciples leaving the festival club going to the accident. A thong has come off my foot because I'm staggering so much. Of course. Bev Kellick spotted it, bent down in front of me to pick it up.

I just went straight over the top of her, face planted in Little Bourke Street. I was that drunk I didn't even put my hands down. I just went straight on. And as that happened, there was a police car coming down Little Bourke Street who screeched to a halt and was that close that they actually thought they'd hit me. I'm trying to get up at this stage,

rather drunk and a bit dizzy from the head knock. And as I've got to about here, they've rushedly opened the door and belted me in. I've gone down again. Hey, bloke lives matter, guys. Bloke lives matter. That's better than scurvy do come on

oh yes better than scurvy do that's better it was Bev Kellick who then said to the cops it's alright we're comedians

we're comedians that will get you out of anything anybody I responded with well it's fucking obvious we're not street performers

at which point, Bev starts laughing. She's had a couple of kids and she actually pissed herself. Familiar story. Then apologises. Let's not blame that on the kids in this case, I think. Then apologises to the police because she had asparagus sandwiches

that day for lunch. And I've turned to these two 12-year-old looking police officers. She's not going to get scurvy. Yeah. Eating asparagus. Go on. I've turned to the two coppers and said,

who the fuck has asparagus sandwiches? Right? These two cops have gone, we really don't want to know about this. Got in their car and fucked off. I've got to say, for the state that you're in in this story, that is a crystal clear memory that you've got.

I've been told it many times. It was read to you in court. I got to the door of the expert and the bouncers are standing there. I've got blood all over my face and all over my T-shirt. Oh, my God. Don't tell me that the expert didn't let someone in. Don't believe it. Very politely said, not tonight.

Oh, my God. There you go. Wow. So there's a time for everything to happen. Wow. don't believe it very politely said not tonight oh my god yeah there you go wow so there's a time for everything to happen cheers get that on fucking postcards

yeah I'll ring Croft now Croft that's how bad I look the expert didn't let me in yeah do people know most people in this room

probably know the expert yeah it's up the road during the lockdown the expert is like the worst pub in yeah Melbourne

it's been there for ages and yeah I love during the lockdown Chris you Exford is like the worst pub in Melbourne. It's been there for ages. And yeah, I loved during the lockdown. Chris, you were constantly on Facebook going, God, I hope the lockdown ends soon so I can get back to Melbourne and go to the Exford, the best pub in the country. It's the greatest pub in the known universe. It's worse than the virus. I could stay in any hotel in the city

and I'm staying in a room upstairs in the Exford where the showers don't work at the end of the hall. I've been to a gig at the Exford where someone got stabbed and the show kept going. I host my show there every night of the festival. Yeah, and there's been several times where someone's been stabbed in the Exford. And we laughed and laughed and laughed. Not again.

Still not as bad as Scooby-Doo, but anyway. Scooby, love that. Speaking of court, though, what about the time where the judge knew you when you had to go to court for some... Also, by the way, this is how much you've drunk over the years. We're reminding you of what's happened in your life. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.

You're in court. I'd had a relationship breakdown on Magnetic Island where I was living. My partner had been unfaithful. I'd moved out and then was drunk and thought, no, fuck it, that's my house. I broke back in and I'd recently renovated the bathroom, so I decided to un-renovate that while I was... What?

So it's not like changing rooms? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was changing them back. I'll have that sink. He was there in bed with my ex-wife at the time. The person she was seeing. The other man. The bedroom was on the second floor.

Sorry, go on, go on. You know I've had a cookie, don't you? Yeah, yeah, sorry. Well, that's right. I don't know what the fuck's going on here. I'm going to just shout out random names in the middle of my story. What the fuck?

So, you unrenovated. Yeah, well well I'd had a bit of a grapple with him he went over the balcony oh fucking hell Jesus Christ

this has all been settled in court hasn't it so we're not liable or anything I was on Magnetic Island so oh that's okay

what I'm saying is it was overseas it's in international waters it's like a cruise ship what I'm saying is I knew I wasn't getting away from

the police I was on an island so I wasn't getting away from the police. I was on an island. I went downstairs and got one of his beers out of my fridge and sat on the veranda and waited for the police to come. They took me away. They were all very pleasant. Eventually went to court, and I had a barrister at the time, and he said, bring your toothbrush.

The best I can do for you is three months. You're on 17 jailable offences. Oh, 17? Yeah. What, like what? What are the others? Oh, there's a cinch, a basin. The mirror.

The cistern. A scurvy dude joke. A scurvy dude. Because I'd moved out of my own home, it was breaking and entering. There was assault. There was damage. Actually, I shouldn't have asked. Go on.

That's only for, I'll go through them all. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. We go to court. There's a 70. I'll go through them all. Yeah, yeah, sure. We go to court. There's a 70-year-old judge in there. He's working on a bit of paper. And he looks up and he goes, oh, it is you. And he knew me from the bloke song. He was a fan.

We're to and fro and having a few jokes and things. And the prosecuting police woman was getting quite angry. She said, Your Honour, these are very serious charges. One of them's breaking and entering. And the judge said, It was his own fucking house. Put the fucking in there and everything. It'll be on the... Yeah. Oh, of course, because the judge would have had his own mullet.

There we go. Scurvy, scurvy dude. Scurvy dude, it's a distant memory now. That's great. Carl, that's going to be your life one day, you walking into court and the judge coming up and going, I'm aware. Two duck sandwich.

So you'd gone off or what happened? What happened was I ended up... He hit the gavel down and said, two years probation. And then my barrister spoke for the very first time through the whole thing and said, Your Honour, my client occasionally works overseas and a criminal conviction may jeopardise that.

And he went, fair enough, hit it down again and said, two years probation, no conviction recorded. Gee. Oh, wow. The system works. Your Honour, he has a gig at the Exford next week. Case dismissed.

That's its own punishment. You're on spit ice Barristan, but I'll allow it. He could be getting stabbed next week. A week after that court case I was booked to do some shows for the troops in the Middle East and I rang the colonel in Canberra and said, case, I was booked to do some shows for the troops in the Middle East and I rang the colonel in Canberra and said, look, I'm on probation, I've got paperwork to fill in or whatever,

and they've rang the Townsville Probation and Parole Office and said, Chris Franklin's coming to the Middle East with us. They said, that's not going to happen, we haven't got enough days to do the paperwork. And the colonel said, I'm with the ADF. Our little organisation's a little bit larger than Townsville Parole and Probation, and if you don't have enough days to do the paperwork,

I suggest you start working nights. Dave. I spoke to the colonel last night. Yeah. Fuck. Beat me to it, you motherfucker. There you go. That's why he's on Spix and Spex and you ain't.

Fuck. Spex, you want a regular basis? Yee-haw. Bring back Zingerburgers, you fucker. They're still available anyway. Whatever. Fine. Right.

So, sorry, but it's just so tempting to just hit the greatest hits on the Chris Franklin jukebox. Yes. Because we just want to hear these fucking stories we've heard a little glimpse of. Now, you're wearing that shirt, which is... It's an eloquent Blues and Roots. Oh, the Danny Ute Master. No, it's not the Ute Master.

Oh, not the Ute Master. No. It's a Blues and Roots. It's a music festival, which is like... And there are two events in Daniloquin. Well, there was. Fucking unbelievable. this one only lasted two years

oh okay I was going to say you're better to get on the phone to your management going why have I been booked why aren't I up there

exactly it's zone 4 isn't it what's the high school in Denny yeah what's the nightclub nightclub I don't know the

nightclub in Denny it'd be like a shooters or something like that, wouldn't it? Yeah, Shooters. Something like that, yeah. There'd be a lot of phone parties there, I reckon. So, you... I mean, that's a bit of a poison, Charles,

doing comedy at a music festival. I never did comedy so much. I was employed by Chuck Entertainment just to introduce the bands. They had a transportable... Oh, you were an MC? Yeah, yeah. Transportable out the back.

Someone employed for the two days just to write a paragraph on each band and I'd just recite that to bring them on, basically. Right, right, right. So you didn't do any comedy at all? I wasn't allowed to. You weren't allowed to? No, I just had to stick to that script.

Every time I went out, 10,000 people recognised me and just started chanting, sing, bloke. Wasn't fucking allowed to. I'm afraid I'm not allowed to at this music festival. Sorry, guys. This is not the right time or place for music, okay, guys? Bit of respect. Over the two years I introduced Chris Isaac,

Bonnie Raitt, Bob Marley's original Whalers, the Doobie Brothers. Wow. All right, mate. Yeah, there was fucking Elvis Costello. They've all been on the pod. Elvis? Elvis Costello? Elvis?

Yeah. Chandler loves Elvis Costello did you meet him or I had dinner with him in the catering tent at the back and saw him three times that week

after the festival finished he invited me to his show down here in Melbourne then you fell out when he fucked your wife right was her name Alison sad that so many people didn't get that.

I got it. Who was Status Quo? Status Quo headlined the first year. And I think that's where you're trying to get to with this. Yeah, I was being delicate. This cunt's blunt. I've got my little paragraph. The band before Status Quo are finishing on the other stage.

I've got to walk out and say they've sold 500 million records worldwide. They've done this, they've done that, whatever. Please welcome Status Quo. And just as I'm about to go out, their little English tour manager said, mate, when you introduce Status Quo, could you not use the words status quo? That's a bit hard. I said, what the... He said, legal issues, mate.

One of the band members owns the name, not here with the band. All their merch said The Mighty Quo. They just had SQ on the drum kit. All of that sort of thing. Wow. And then the roadies pushed me out in front of 10,000 people.

I just had that in my ear, and I'm going, what the fuck? I walked out and said, ladies and gentlemen, here's them cunts from the Coles commercial. LAUGHTER Ladies and gentlemen, here's them cunts from the Coles commercial. I walk back off stage. Down, down, your weight is going down. Walk back off stage, there's little English tour managers just going,

what the fuck? I didn't say their name, mate. Arodi's grabbed me and gone Michael Chug wants to see you at his office so he's the big promoter the big boss

yeah yeah I've just done two 11 hour days and I'm thinking I'm not getting paid for this now by the way 11 hour days reading out three lines an hour but and drinking piss

working on stage for 11 hours without drinking piss until I've done the last act each day so that was a big effort for me. The scurvy's kicking in.

That's your version of dry July, isn't it? They're making you eat oranges on stage. It's fucking horrible. The Denny Blues and Roots. Dry July, yeah. I go into Michael Chugg's office thinking, I'm fucked here, and he said,

firstly, thanks for that, mate. That little prick's been giving me the shits for fucking 12 hours. He said, here's your beer. And before you open that, sign that. I said, what's that? He said, that's your contract for next year. Fuck yeah. Heartwarming stuff.

What a bloody great country it is. Love the arts. Love the arts. bloody great country it is. Love the arts. It's like the time I introduced Shooto Eka, the Franks and Rollers scouting ring. That was a good one. Whatever.

Can't get me to do it. Were you allowed to use their names? Yeah, well there's still one original member left, Brian Cannon, the lead singer. Play funky down your cunt. Anyway, that's about it. We supported them when I was in a band in the lead singer. Play funky down your cunt. Anyway, that's about it. No, we supported them when I was in a band

in the 80s and they, it was at the Frankston Rollers scouting rink and they all used their hair dry at the same time

and the power went out. Is that actually true? That's a true story. That's great. We've got to wrap up soon. We've got time for one more. One or two more.

One or two more. One or two more. What have we got? Have you got anything? Like, I literally, I don't know if you've got anything good from this dark subject matter, but have you got anything from actually being in jail? Look, it's your sun ringing.

It's Brett Blake. Has dad turned up? I did a show here with Brett Blake last night and it was like I was in one of those Booper ads. Yeah, but which was which? Thank God you hadn't had the cookie just before that one. You'd have fucking lost your mind. By the way, you're looking great.

Thank you. We only see each other around festival time and it's obviously two years since there's been a festival. Yeah. But you're getting smaller and smaller every time I see you. That's the plan.

Next year I won't be here. He's in remission. See how I've moved away from that subject matter very quickly. Are those all the comments you have about the physical appearance

of everybody else on stage? I'm still fat, yeah. I love your shorts, Tom. Whatever, you faggot. Stop looking at my legs. Hey, poof. Scurvy, scurvy, do. How come we've only got half the lights on

and it's not quite warm enough? Oh my God. It is roasting in here, I'm sorry. I'm losing kilos, it's good. I noticed you only got It is roasting in here. I'm sorry. I noticed you only got hot once I brought up jail but anyway. Well it's probably not a lot of fun in jail. Is it? Has anyone here been...

I've done gigs in jail and they're not having a great time but... Because they know you get to go home you fucking The guys that don't mention your kids are all homesick, or your wife. Don't mention any of that shit. Is that how you explain it? You got booked for a gig in jail for like six months?

Eighteen. How long am I doing? 20 minutes with good behaviour. None of the guards had guns when I did a gig. No one has a gun in an Australian jail.

No, it's because generally the prisoners don't have weapons either. You went in there with a few bombs though, I think. Blokes,

lives matter. I did a gig in a... You've done jails. Who books that? Yes, I did a gig. A friend of mine runs comedy gigs in a prison in WA and there's a bunch of young dudes

and when they get to watch comedy, they knew everything about the Melbourne comedy scene because they'd watched comedy up late. They knew Nell Bay. I watch TV a lot. They loved it. And I was talking to a guy and he's like, yeah, Nate Valvo's spot was good this year

and then was also good, like Joel Creasy, all this stuff. And I said, man, you know everything about the Melbourne comedy scene. And he just said, yeah, I'm in most nights. That's actually how we met. And you've come a long way and you're doing really well. Don't get stuck in with that old crowd again, Chris. I just felt like

a special needs kid then. That old crowd like chops and beef. Goose. Mongoose. You're doing very well. Am I the special needs kid of the podcast?

No, no, no. We've just been running gigs and stuff for a week. We've got nothing to fucking talk about. So we thought we'd get someone in with fucking one million stories. Yeah. And then get him, oh, it was my own choice to have a cookie at the start.

And you're going, and what about when this happened? I go, wow, when did that happen? Yeah. Fuck, is there anything else? I was trying to make a list of all my fucking, all the little things I've heard over the years. All the Chris Franklin greatest hits. Yeah. Fuck, is there anything else? I was trying to make a list of all my fucking, all the little things I've heard over the years. All the Chris Franklin greatest hits.

Yeah, fuck, is there anything? Well, I remember we did a gig in Geelong once. We were doing a benefit for a sick child or something like that. And you were just there because your sister lives there. And you rang up and you said, can I go on? You asked to go on at a benefit in Geelong. And I'm like, yeah, fuck, you can headline if you want. And me and Brad Oaks did the gig.

And it was one of those classic, people all over the shop, you know, and the kid was sitting down the front, which makes it hard. Best night of my life though, guys. Thanks. We raised a lot of money for young Tommy and as we drove over, we could hear you on stage singing and stuff

and we rang you 24 hours later and you were still in the pub. Yeah. Ended up drinking with a guy from Geelong who owned a concrete company. Yeah. Clang. Took me on his helicopter somewhere to drink at another pub. Took me on a helicopter somewhere?

Yeah. Listen to us, the details. I don't get to the Bellarine Peninsula much. It was somewhere out there. Just went to another pub in his helicopter and came back to the fucking one there. I think I slept at his house the next night after that as well. He had a spare room.

Fuck, it might have been a benefit, but you've cleaned up out of it. That's great. You got a fucking helicopter ride. That was the kid's make a wish. He wanted a fucking helicopter ride. That's how drunk I was. I'm shit scared of flying. And wish He wanted a fucking helicopter ride That's how drunk I was I'm shit scared of flying

And I got in a fucking helicopter Fucking Tommy didn't get a ride in a helicopter Did you? No I didn't I would bet 200 bucks That you did not go in a helicopter at all You went in a noisy taxi And you thought

Fuck bro I'm fucking flying man You went to Wally's World another morning. You got hit in the head with a cop car again and went, oh, I'm in MASH. All right, well, we'd better wrap it up. We've got to wrap up this episode. A little Dum Dum Club. Ladies and gentlemen, big round of applause.

Dave O'Neill. Tom Ballard. Chris the bloke, Franklin. Thanks very much for listening at home. and we'll see you next time. See you, guys. See you, poops. And they've done it again. Wow.

Well, one of them doing it for the first time. Yes. Bernie's kicked the top. Straight over the wheat silo. First time guest, Chris Franklin. And look, you know, looking at the lineup of the guests we had, it's certainly an indication of what COVID has done to the world. Doing a Melbourne live podcast at this time of year

and not having huge international guests or whatever. Yep. Had Kyle Canone booked in for the second live one this time last year? Yeah, right. The bloke of America, Kyle Canane. Not only – it's not too far off. It's not, is it? Not only did we not have access to a lot of international guests,

apparently COVID has also affected the phones of a lot of people we know around town as well. I don't know whether phones can get COVID or not, but they certainly weren't responding to text messages. Well, maybe a lot of people have it and they're just respiratory. They can't even pick up and talk on the phone. They don't have the energy to pick up the phone when it's ringing. Bending down and picking up the mobile might make them pass out. Right, right. That's one of the main side effects of uh of covid leaving people on red yes is that right

yes yes but uh yeah great to finally have uh the bloke in because as we mentioned on the episode we have tried to he doesn't live in melbourne he lives in tasmania we've tried to tee it up a couple of times when he's come up to do gigs and whatnot, but it's never quite worked out. So, yeah, he came in locked, as we were saying beforehand, very nice to have someone come in who is actually pumped up to do the show. Yes. Excited and sort of a bit flattered to be asked. Yes. Instead of someone just going, okay, I guess I'll do you the favor of getting there late

and then sitting there and listening and not saying a goddamn thing. Yes, absolutely. And, you know, I felt a little bit guilty just playing the Chris Franklin jukebox there, but it's like, fuck. It's like a court. Yeah. It was like being in a pub and like going, oh, fuck, tell us another one. Right, right.

Yeah. Not only have I done nothing in the last two weeks, I've never done anything. Yeah. I don't have a life. I've never been to jail. Yeah, yeah. At the time of recording. Yeah, yeah.

Well, yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Yep, never been to jail. Yeah, yeah. At the time of recording. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah. Interesting. Me neither. Asterisk. But, yeah, no, Chris was a great sport. Also, that biscuit he ate halfway through the show, I saw him afterwards and he was like, yeah, you should be really glad you didn't eat that, by the way. Right, right. Yeah, as I was talking to him afterwards and he was like yeah you should be really glad you didn't eat that by the

way right right yeah i as i was talking to him afterwards and saying oh thanks so much for doing it and everything he was so great and he was kind of looking at me with like a sort of a bit of a just kind of a stunned look on his face i kept forgetting that he'd had the cookie and i was like oh did he not have a good time like why is he being all... And then remembering like, oh no, he's off his fucking head. Yep. Also, oh, a little addendum

to the episode. So we didn't know this while the show was on, but as we mentioned in the episode, it was quite hot up there and someone fainted. Oh yes.

Someone fainted up the back of the room because it was so hot. So at the end, we were about to say, everyone leave down the back stairs and then our door guy

was like, they can't, the ambulance are there. Someone's blocking are there someone's blocking it someone's blocking it passed out and so then it takes a little while to kind of you know for that to the the person who fainted was fine like they did get up and they were able to like walk out of the venue i think just dehydrated or whatever it was overcome by an amazing comedy well that's it so then as they were leaving i kind of was like talking to the people that they were with, like their friends who were sort of taking care of this person. And they were like, yep, she's all good now.

She's walking down the stairs. I'm like, oh, great. And the guy goes, it was the scurvy dude joke that did it to her. So there you go. Fantastic stuff. Great, great. Oh, wow. Yeah, I didn't know until well after the show

where the whole room was empty and there was still a few people in it. So I was on the verge of going, can you fuck off? Fuck off! What are your legs not worth? But yeah, great fun, great fun afternoon. And yeah, Chris, great, great sport letting us just have our wicked way

with all of his, with his entire life. Yes. And well done the way he skirted around the jail request, jail story request. Absolutely. Yeah. Put a big old detour around that one.

Yep. Anyway, next time. Fair enough, I suppose. Maybe that's more of a studio episode discussion. Yes. Yeah, maybe that's it. He didn't want to get up there and do Oz live. Yeah.

Yeah. But no, he was wrapped with that and that's great. That'd be great if he did a solo show all about prison and he called it The Boy From Oz. Oh. It's made to look like the HBO series cover. That's good. The Other Oz.

Yeah. Very good. Surely that should be like a gay porno. The Boy From Oz. Yeah. Yeah. Peter Allen in jail. Yeah.

I don't mind this at all yeah this is is this is this funny fellas territory or is it too good yeah

I still call your asshole home there we go yes there we go and of course a little plug off the back of that too everyone that was in the show if you're in Melbourne

go and see the comedy festival show Tom Ballard is in what's he called what's his name he's called he's show called? What's his name? He's show called. Can't remember. We are all in this.

We are all in this. Go and see him. Dave O'Neill is on this week and next week at the time of recording with Generation XXL. Yep. And Chris Franklin is holding court at 10.30 every night in the Oxford Hotel at a really, really rough, basically slightly curated open mic. Yes. So if you're enchanted by Chris Franklin off the back of this episode, you can come and see him emcee the worst gig of all time

every night for the next couple of weeks. Yes, and I think he is definitely someone who... Free entry. Yeah, it is. He is someone who he was saying has felt a little bit like, you know, about this. Like, why haven't I ever done it? You know, seeing all these other people that have been on, like, how come I've never been asked to do it? But I also think he's someone who is like enough out of the world of podcasting that maybe he doesn't quite, you know, understand the reach of something like this.

So if you do go and see him at the worst open mic in the worst bar in the city at 10.30pm during the comedy festival In the official stab-a-thon of the festival. Exactly.

And have a beer afterwards. Go up and let him know that you liked him on this. I'm sure he'd be wrapped to hear it. Maybe he doesn't quite understand the reach of it.

Absolutely. If you're in Melbourne because I think it starts at 10.30pm so if you go and see a couple of shows and you want a beer afterwards, and you don't want to go on a Friday or Saturday to the late show at the Basement Comedy Club, you don't want to go and see big famous names drop in down there.

Go and see some absolutely awful open micers. They might be funnier at 10.30 at night. I do know that from time to time, every now and then, you will get someone half-decent drop down to the Oxford just to sort of humble themselves or just feeling like they're midway through the festival. Everything's a bit boring. Gigs are going well because you're in good form. Shows are going well. It's like, I've got to get back in touch with my roots.

I saw, one year I saw Tim Vine, who was doing massive shows years ago at the Comedy Festival. I dropped in for a beer at the Exford late night. And it was like four people. And it included him on top of a fireplace, just like fucking swearing at people. Just like, I'm not going to do my act. Just being absolutely fucking ridiculous. Yeah, I've got to go down.

I might go down this week sometime. He was abusing Cody over the weekend for not coming down being too scared to come down and cody was like fuck you i'm gonna do it now oh wow cody went down there the other night oh wow okay so yeah yeah it dropped down big plug for the experts yeah have a crack at the buck hunter machine downstairs yes and it's actually yeah it's actually where i did a lot of my first ever gigs. Until after about two years me going, I'm too good for this gig. Maybe it's time for Full Circle to go back there. It was a fun hangout for a bit because the gig was on Thursday nights at the same time as your gig.

But then the Exford gig would have like a karaoke thing afterwards that would kick on. But also a distinction with that is that the Expo has two rooms for comedy. One's downstairs and one's upstairs. The upstairs is quite a good room. So that's what you're talking about when it was on a Thursday night. But traditionally, over the festival, it's downstairs. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. The open mic-y sort of thing.

And the thing where I started was downstairs in a very bad room for comedy. Yes. But my point is that that bar in and of itself, a legendary kick-on venue on a thursday night a little bit there where we'd meet up after your gig and just absolutely demolish pints and do bad karaoke yes with strangers yeah it was a bit of we're doing karaoke every week there for a while yeah it was fun yeah it was fun there for a while uh but yeah get down there and say hi to chris but yes perth uh as we mentioned at the top of the episode,

April the 24th. It's a Saturday afternoon. The Rosemount Hotel. Not many tickets left, but still a few there. If you've been holding out, if the previous date moving has put you off, it is happening this time. I feel confident in saying it.

We are 100% going to be there April the 24th. Absolutely. And if you go online and have a look, there's a handful of slightly cheaper tickets because they're standing up the back. So if you want to stand and you want to save yourself $10, you can stand up the back and lean on some tables and whatever. Apparently there's some room.

Hot tip. I reckon if this is the sort of thing that usually happens, someone's not going to turn up. Someone else is not going to turn up. You've got your own little standing ticket. All of a sudden, you get a seat

and you save yourself $10. Wow. I'm putting it out there. The promoter encouraging people how to game the system. Exactly. It's a little dum-dum hack for you. That's like a poster for a concert

being like, tickets on sale here, but honestly, look on eBay on the day off. Yeah, yeah, day off you'll find someone desperate enough you'll be able to take him for a ride and get a half price ticket this is living my way this is this is being on standby you're on standby yeah for a seat yeah i reckon i reckon you're a big chance of getting a seat uh but be clever get in there be smart about have a

word but you know don't be a cunt you gotta wait until like you know the show's started absolutely and don't you know i hate seeing people a cunt. You've got to wait until, like, you know, the show's started. Absolutely. And don't, you know, I hate seeing people, the inevitable kind of, like, altercation that happens if there's something, if it's not assigned seating and there's a break. And the person that has gotten there late, they're up the back. And so they've been up the back for the first half of the show.

And then there's an interval and they just assume, well, it's free reign now. Right. And they just make a bolt for the front and they're like, I've got the best seat in the house now because this cunt went to the dunny I don't know I don't reckon that's very fair we will have security there

we will yeah so check that out check out Carl's solo show starting very soon in the beautiful city of Melbourne go and see it if you want to hang around after a live pod and see it with a lot of dum-dum people you can go at to hang around after a live pod and see it. With a lot of dumb dumb people you can go at 5 o'clock

on a Saturday in the next two Saturdays or you can just go with other normal human beings mostly at 8.15 at the Imperial Hotel limited run.

Tommy, you've just finished your little run. I finished, yes, and thank you to everyone who came down. Saw a few aware shirts in the mix,

chatted to some people after. Great fun. Great little week. Great. Doing stand-up comedy once again. I'm back. It's just a really good warm-up for our Split Bill show in Perth. Yes, exactly.

Cut out the 45 minutes of chaff and give you 15 of wheat up there. Yeah, a real hour of power just for Perth. It's always good to do a month of warm-up gigs in Melbourne just to get ready for Perth, for one show in Perth. Well, you know, the way it was organized was it was meant to be in january when we had barely done you know stand up had only just come back in melbourne so it's like man we'll be battling to put together 10 minutes each so we'll make it like a showcase yeah you know we don't have solos to do so normally we would do that in perth we'd both do our solos but now that it's the reverse it's

like fuck wouldn't mind cracking out the solo for another run. But anyway, now that I've done all that work on it, but whatever. You'll just get to see the best of the best. That's it. Speaking of the best of the best,

we're going to read some of the names of the best of the best out today, Tommy, because this is the part of the show where we salute all the fine contributors to this podcast via patreon.com

slash little dum-dum club. If you want to be a supporter of the show, if you just dumb club if you want to be a supporter of the show if you just want that you want to get out the goodness of your heart and ring it until dollars come out

into our coffers that would be great but of course if you want to be selfish and just get purely something out of it it also works that way as well you get bonus episodes

you get heaps of them this week we had two great ones with Nina Oyama coming up. So you can do that. You can be a selfish cunt or you can be a lovely cunt. They've been red hot lately,

I have to say. The two Nina ones, we did a look through the Comedy Festival guy with Luke Heggy. Those were great. And a bit longer as well. We did one that went

almost for an hour. Oh, we did that one? Guess what movie I bought at a market. Yeah, they've been on a good streak lately. Lots of great stuff in there for you. Get in there. 115 or something at time of recording.

Yeah, get in there. It's a good time to be alive and to be flush with money to give to us. Sure is. So do that. If you want to try it for the first time, do that. You might want to stick around. It'd be great. Now, these fine people have stuck around, that's for sure.

I'm about to hit go on the big Unplanned Title Alternator and find out some names that have been subscribing for quite a while to us. Okay, excellent. Let's do this. Let's see how much time we've got this week and read out however many names we can fit into that time. Shall we start now?

Yeah. Okay. Thank you very much to first Keboth, the rank Patreon subscriber, Joel Young. Oh, Joel Young. Yeah. At what point do you think that that name becomes outdated?

Yeah. I mean, it's not just for him. It's not just the name. I guess it's a broader question. At what age would you say... You're not young. ...you'd transition from being a young man to an old man? You'd have to say, I reckon...

When's the first year he copped Joel Not-So-Young Now? I think that's the definite question. Well, it's interesting because it's like it's always just relative to like how you feel and then of course how other people feel about you right because i remember i remember being guilty of this and i see people do it now in stand-up you know like a 24 year old going 24 now yeah you know not so young now i'm fucking doing this and that and it's like you know to know, to a 30-year-old that looks absurd. Yes.

But I feel like I'm 34 now and like legitimately like my eyes are going, like I had to get glasses and things. You know, it's like actually stuff is starting to deteriorate. Right. But perhaps to someone of your age, a decade older than me, that seems absurd, me complaining. Yeah. You know what I mean? Look, you know, that seems absurd, me complaining. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Look, you know, that sort of stuff, I don't care about any of it because it's like, I get it. You know, some stage people are like, oh, this is like, and then everyone's got hindsight afterwards. Yeah, things change and then, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone that says that, you're like, okay. But it is an interesting question. If you tried to work out a universal consensus of everyone on earth, what is the official age where you're no longer young i reckon about 27 no i don't believe that i mean but then again i'm coming from where i am i would say probably around about what you are off the top of my head i thought 35 35 because all of a sudden you're starting to think about 40. Yeah, 40 is nudgy. But also, I feel like 30 is enough of a considerable ratcheting up.

Your 20s are truly young. And your 30s are still, certainly compared to your 40s, can be. But I think 20s are just like absolutely going for it. Yeah. Way less responsibility. Like you said, I still think what you're guessing about me. You're saying that and I'm going, no, I think you'll think differently about this in a few years. Sure.

Yeah, no, you're right. I probably will. But I think like just the sheer recklessness of 20. Yeah, I think you'll. Yeah, I think 30s, especially in the performing arts. Especially in the performing arts. 30s is basically 20s. Absolutely.

Well, I guess that's the other thing is nowadays, like I think that it has changed. There would have been a time when 30 was like, you're done. That's it. Yeah, if you looked at the 35-year-olds of 30 years ago, I think they were a lot more adult than the 35-year-olds of today, I think. So, put a number on it. What do you reckon?

I've said 35. 35. Okay. I'm saying, I reckon 27. Oh, the year, the age of the greats when you die. Oh, is that the case? Joplin. Oh, yeah.

Cobain. Yeah. Morrison. Yeah. Steady Eddie. No, no. He's. Yeah. Morrison. Yeah. Steady Eddie. No, no. He's alive. No, he's still going.

He's still going. Yeah. That's when he should have died. I always get it mixed up. I always thought it was 33, but that's the Jesus year. Yes. That was a thing in comedy for a bit. You used to see a lot of white men doing solo shows, the basis of which was, well, I'm 33

now. The age of Jesus' age. It's my Jesus year. And what have I done? I don't even own a house. Look, 30 was certainly one of those ones as well. Well, I guess I'm 30. Yep, yep.

The big three-oh. Well, I guess who cares? I remember being a little kid and my mum, like, asking my mum how old she was and her not knowing her age off the, her being like, oh, 40, like, not, you know, like, having to think for a couple of minutes, like, not exactly knowing her age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And me just thinking that was ridiculous. Yeah.

And it's happening to me now. Yes. I frequently have to be like, 34, 34, yeah. Yeah, my wife didn't know my age the other day. Wow. Yeah. What about this? Joel Young reminds me of someone that we haven't talked about for a long, long time.

Someone who... Angus Young. No. Yeah, well, yes. We haven't talked about him for a long, long time, if ever. I dare say he's probably come up at least in passing at some stage in 10 years. Maybe. I dare say he's probably come up at least in passing at some stage in 10 years.

Maybe. A former sponsor of ours. A former sponsor of a Coastal Million International Podcast Festival of ours. Oh, Rich Young. Rich Young. Remember when a listener called Rich Young sponsored the first Coastal Million International Podcast Festival? Back when we thought, what the fuck is this thing? Can we do it? We need a sponsor.

And then some bloke called Rich Young, who I never thought that was his real name yeah he just paypaled us for money yeah to talk about his youtube channel yes and it was like bizarre yes it was like it was like remixes that he'd made of britney spears songs or something something weird something it was like two videos he had on his youtube channel and i don't think he'd really remix much of it at all and he's like i'll just hang shit on it and then when we hung shit on it i don't think he'd really remix much of it at all. And he's like, oh, just hang shit on it. And then when we hang shit on it, I don't think he liked that very much. No. But anyway, he just disappeared again. But he gave us like a bunch of money.

Yeah, how much was it? It wasn't, it was a fair amount. It was a good chunk. Yeah. It wasn't a couple hundred bucks. Yeah. Yeah. And so that was the thing that was the bedrock of us going to Samui.

Because it's like, oh, okay, now we can definitely do it because we didn't know if anyone was going to go. We didn't charge people to go for the first year. Yeah. Yeah. So that made it happen. We did also have a GoFundMe for it though. Fuck, I can't remember. Yeah, we did a fundraiser.

Right. And it was like you got, we made like the, I think the documentary. Oh, you got the video and everything. You got the videos every day. That's right. documentary. Oh, you got the video and everything. You got the videos every day. That's right. Yeah. But he definitely was a sponsor.

Yeah. He was a guy that made stuff happen. Yeah. Yeah. If you're out there, let us know. Yeah. It was quite weird. It's quite a weird thing.

And we never knew how he got the money. He obviously had just that money to burn. Very weird. Money to burn, weird money to burn weird youtube channel got a bit weird when we yeah we're making youtube channel got a bit weirder and weirder um yeah and then all of a sudden no contact yeah i and on top of that i was like cool are you gonna come to kosimo he's like no yeah like well you could have easily come with the money you just gave it yep but then all that said and done still one of the more normal interactions we've had

as a result of this podcast. Thanks, Joel. Thanks, Joel. Joel, old young Joel. Old young Joel. All right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, God.

What? How are we going to tackle this? Uh-oh. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber... What number is this? Number two this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tass. First name Tass. T-A-S-S.

That's the easy one. Yep. That's the... Tass... As in booby tassels? Maybe that's an abbreviation, yes. Please call me Tass. Booby tassels with my father. Tass, thank. Please call me Tass. Booby Tassels with my father. Tass, thank you very much to Tass.

Scardellis. Scardellis. Yes. I like it. S-G-A-R-D-E-L-I-S. Scardellis. Tass Scardellis. Scardellis that I wish you saw.

I don't know what that is. That's scar tissue. Oh, yeah, right. Red Hot Chili Peppers. Red Hot. Your favorite band. Your favorite band from your youth. No, not true.

Tass. Fuck. Scardellis. Two names I've never seen before in my life. I like Tass. Do you reckon that's an abbreviation? Well, based on the surname, maybe not. Maybe it's a...

Greek? First name from where she's from. I mean... Greek? Skardellis, is that Greek? Maybe. I don't care to speculate. A girl...

Actually, my first ever girlfriend when I was a wee lad. What are we up to now? What number? That's a great question. I have to go back. That'd be good if you just called her from now on. My eighth ever girlfriend here. It's like when you're at a certain age, you're very on top of the number of people you've slept with.

Because it's none. Four or whatever. It would be so... And I bet they're out there meeting, going back to age again, meeting a 35-year-old who knows the exact number off the top of their head. Yeah. A bit psycho. Yeah.

I've met a couple of them that have popped out a number. Even a rough number. Even a rough is like... Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've met a couple of them that have like popped out a number, like a rough, even a rough number. Even a rough is like. Okay. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But yeah, my first girlfriend, her name was, and I assume continues to be, Taryn, but she

would always. T-A-R-E-N? T-A-R-Y-N. Y-N. Right. She would abbreviate, she abbreviated it to Taz, which I always thought was a bit like, I don't know if I'm that into this. That's not a thing.

Also, I don't know about nicknames for... Girls. Yeah. That's for men. Yes. Well, it is certainly like a... To me, that's like a dumb nickname. And I think dumb nicknames should be guys because guys

are dumber you know what i mean yeah yeah like if you have like tass okay that sounds like a nice a nice nickname yeah for uh but i think yeah taz is like that just sounds like some fucking dropkick fuckhead that's like played footy and thought he was a fucking champ until he's 17 and then didn't get drafted and then he's just a loser now. Yeah, it was a bit weird. I was never that enamoured with it at the time. But Tass, yeah, I like it. I mean, maybe it is a nickname.

It must be a nickname for booby tassels, right? It must be. It must be. I mean, I can't think of anything else, which once you eliminate all of the possible nicknames, you only have the impossible, as sherlock holmes once said and so that's what it is the great man yeah yeah is that great he sort of is the original great man isn't he him swanning in there like solving a crime and everyone just being like

oh the great man he's done it again and maybe he's the first he's done it again yeah yeah yeah yeah quite possibly i reckon there'd be a lot of people that think he was a real person. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I reckon that would be an absolute... It's one of those things where... You know when they pop out those surveys in America where they say,

is COVID real? And 59% said it wasn't. Yeah. I reckon that'd be a real thing where it was like, is Sherlock Holmes real? Yes. 80%. That would be a good game show.

I don't quite know what you'd do with this information, but like, the, like, yeah, surveys of just dumb things. Right. That most people think.

Yeah. Is that a good survey? Is that a good quiz where you go, it's just a two, it's a yes or no thing. Does the majority of America think that Sherlock Holmes is a real person? And you have to guess yes or no.

They're all yes or no questions. Yeah, yeah. That's not too bad. That's not too bad. That's a nice... That could be a nice quiz, a nice, like, fast money quiz. But, like, I'm...

I wish I could think of more off the top of my head, but there would be a lot of those things that it's, like, a lot of people assume this, but it's just absolutely, like, not true or it is true or whatever. You know, just, like, dumb things that are just in the collective mind of society. The only shame with that sort of a setup is

the fun answer is always yes. Does the majority of America think that Sherlock Holmes is real? Yes. Ah, that's great. Yeah. But then it's like if the answer is no, it's like, cool, because he's not. Yeah.

That's not very fun. That doesn't feel very fun. But if it's something that is real and people think it's made up, you know what I mean? Like, then you ask the inverses. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Tass.

Thanks, Tass Skardellis. Thanks, Booby Tassels. Thanks, yeah. Thanks, Nipple Rings. Thanks, Ruby Booby Tassels. Tass, let us know what they're short for. Tass, yeah Tassels. Let us know what they're short for. Tassels. Yeah, I'm keen.

And also let us know what Scar Dallas is short for. And what your Greek ancestors did to get that name. Yep. Did they scar Dallas for a living? Let us know. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Zane DeCourcy. I'll say. See this guy popping up on the social.

He's a big socializer. Big socializer. DeCourcy. D-E-C-O-U-R-C-Y. DeCourcy? DeCourcy. DeCourcy. DeCourcy.

Zane DeCourcy. I don'ty? DeCourcy. DeCourcy. Zane DeCourcy. I don't mind the name Zane. Yeah, I guess. It's a little bit too sugar-y for my liking. Yeah. If that makes any sense. I mean, my association with it is Zane Lowe. The like...

Oh, the Apple Music guy? The Apple Music guy who... I guess he used to be like, Oh, the Apple Music guy? The Apple Music guy who I guess he used to be like what, BBC Radio or something like that? But anyway, he's a little... Every now and then he'll get... You know, he'll land a big fish interview. And it's like,

well, I'm interested in this album that's coming out so I want to listen to it. And he, as an interviewer, he has good rapport with people but he's a little bit too like the great man's here talking to Kanye. Right. Like he's a little bit too like the great man's here talking to kanye right like he's a little bit too he's drunk his own kool-aid a bit too much okay

i'm not i'm not that into it yeah right but you gotta you like that name anyway i yeah but i mean i like the name in and of itself but it is starting to be hard right for me the more i listen to zane lowe's output the more it makes me go a bit like, maybe I'm starting to turn on this name a bit. Yeah, I think I liked it when there was one or two Zanes out there, but now there's a few Zanes out there, and now I'm like, no, no. This is just like fucking Joel now. Like Joel Young.

What if it was Zane E? That would be good. If your middle name was E. Zane E. Not even an initial just named after E from Entourage yep yep

Zane E Zane E comedy that's oh fuck what if you maybe I'll check into the hotel in Perth Zane E comedy

yeah yeah great Errol P Mosquito and Zane E comedy great what if you what if you had that as your middle name where it's like E?

It's like, oh, what's that stand for? No, it's just E. I'm named after the guy from Entourage. That's great. Yeah, and then people go... That's so funny. People go, you can't have it as just a letter. It has to be short for something.

And you go, okay, it's short for Entourage. Yeah. Or it's short for E as in triple E. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. That's good. Yeah. Fuck.

My middle name's E, first name Drama. Yep. Drama E Turtle. Entourage. Wouldn't mind another romp through the Entourage series, I have to say. What about a reboot? It's garbage, but every now and then it's just mean what about a reboot it's garbage but every now and then it's just one of those things that it's like i just feel like rot if i have something where if i'm

doing if i'm working on something that's just like a lot of drawing on the ipad and it's just kind of nice to have something on in the background that's like a bit mindless that i don't need to focus on i'll chuck on a couple of seasons of entourage and just let them just let them run out of the background while i'm working. And it is, especially now, it's a good one to check in on every few years and just see how much more and more dated it has become as time is going on.

There's no chance in... It's not even that old, but there is no chance in hell you could get that show made how it is now today. No chance in hell. Well, I don't remember Turtle wearing yellow face, but okay, all right. Sure.

I haven't watched it since back in the day. And it did go south the last couple of seasons. But it was legitimately a fun show the first couple of years. Maybe because of the way it was and because of the way we were. I don't know. First couple of episodes, I couldn't believe it. I was like, this rules. Like, the the high the like the ari gold character and the on the high stakes

powwow of it was like this is sick that's what i was gonna say i reckon back in the day that it was a it was a thing it was almost a thing where uh uh in terms of characters uh ari and drama yeah it was sort of almost like you know who's your favorite out of those two? It was almost like the Kramer versus George in Seinfeld. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Drama was Kramer and Ari was George. Yeah.

Especially in that the best characters were George and Ari. Yes, exactly. Yeah. But what do you think? Because it's one of those things now, like a lot of things where they, every now and then they'll be like, they're going to do... What are they talking about doing another movie at some point, I feel like? Because that movie did make bank.

Did go well. I have to say, when... Like the character of Ari, especially early on, was like awesome. It's like this is one of the great characters. And now you see that cunt out and about. You go, ah, ah. You mean Piven? Yeah. This is like David Brent all over again.

No, this is just him. This is the guy. Or this has become him or whatever. Gervais becomes Brent and that cunt has become Ari. Just some fucking dickhead. Yeah. Saw him on stage doing stand-up the other day uh wearing a cowboy hat or something jeremy piven yeah did he stand up there yeah that's awesome yeah yeah i don't i don't think

you would say that if you saw it but oh the the concept of it is awesome the fact that we live in a world where he's like also like mid-pandemic just having a crack he was on the i saw a picture of him on the very stage on the infamous stage that has graced both uh two of the great performances of all time tommy daslow and michael richards yep on the laugh factory stage yeah god doing that gig it took so much willpower to not just go how good is this i'm here because it's like especially the people working in there I'm sure they've heard it a million times by now yeah but

yeah fuck it felt good it's like it's it's your Hollywood walk of fame yeah yeah

well you were there with me why didn't you get a photo of me up there um because you went on at about 3am and I

did not want to be there at that time I went home I was there and and it not want to be there at that time. I went home. I was there and it was also very clear that you were waiting there for ages. This was going to be not the best gig of all time. No. And we weren't having much fun just sitting there. And I was like, okay.

I think we'd had a big one the night before as well. It was brutal. I don't know if we've ever talked about this on... No, you know what had happened? We were on a big one already. Yeah, you know what had happened? We, we were on a big one already. Yeah, that's right.

We'd done the pod in LA. We'd gone for dinner and beers with Dave Anthony. Yes. And then I'd had to go and leave to do that. Yeah. And it was like, they do three shows a night or something. And I just kept getting bumped. I had been put on there as a favor to Bob Saget,

who I had met and opened for in Australia. And then it just gets to a point where it's like, this is going to be no good. I don't particularly want to do this anymore. But also, this guy's vouched for me and got me. I feel like it would be very rude of me to just fuck off and not do the spot. So I just keep getting bumped.

And I'm going up to the venue manager going like, hey, look, if you can't fit me in, it's fine. Honestly, no harm done. And he keeps going like, no, no. if you can't fit me in, it's fine. Honestly, no harm done. And he keeps going like, no, no. Bob said you're good. Favor to Bob. Got to put you on. Oh, no.

This is a fucking nightmare. No. It just keeps getting later and later. Because it was that thing where we'd been having fun. We'd done that LA pod, which I certainly didn't have fun doing. But once we kicked on after that, that was fun. Now, let's stop having fun and go to comedy. Exactly.

We were drinking with Dave Anthony. That was when we talked him into coming to, or what we thought was talking him into coming to Koh Samui. He was ringing his wife going, what a great idea. We're going, we're going, honey. Let's go. We were having a grand old time.

We had to cut that short, go to this thing. What a great night it's been. And now all of a sudden we're sitting in this fucking shithole waiting. And you couldn't even have fun while you're waiting there. Just hoping that someone else has a meltdown that we can see. Yeah. I mean, if you had promised me you were going to have a meltdown, I would have stuck around.

That's the thing. That's the thing. I felt tired enough to. Yeah. Maybe that, hey, maybe that had happened to Kramer that night. Yes. He'd been out drinking with Dave Anthony. Yes.

He'd just been bumped again and again and again. Dave Anthony pulled out of an international podcast festival that he promised. He promised he was going to go to the international Seinfeld podcast festival in Bali. Yeah. Yeah, you know what? He'd let Michael Richards down. You know what? He'd let Michael Richards down.

David promised he was going to come and play George because Jason Alexander had already pulled out. What would it look like? Kramer hosting the little dum-dum club, sliding in the door going, Hey, mate! Yes! Great. Great.

Well, thanks, Zane DeCoursey. Thanks, Zane DeCoursey. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ryan Webb. Webby. Yeah. Webby, he's back. Webby's done it again. Yeah, Webby's done it again.

Yeah, Webb was the surname of one of our techs. Are our techs, they're our spinal tap drummers, aren't they? Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's fair. Imagine doing a podcast for 10 years where you've had the same tech that, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's fair. Imagine doing a podcast for 10 years where you've had the same tech that entire time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. But we've lost another one. You know that. We've lost another one. So the tech on this episode, Doody, our friend Doody. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He gone. Yeah. But we've, yeah, I know we've lost him. Yeah. But we, I thought you were meaning we've lost the replacement. Oh, no, no, no.

We've got a replacement. Thank God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Webby, Webby was one of our... He's Web... Doody's the big overweight Japanese man bursting into flames over the credits of Spinal Tap.

Oh, right, right. Well, more like his wife is because his wife is about to burst and have a baby. Yeah. So that's why. She's gone. None of this rot, thanks.

Yeah, yeah. You're going to be around instead of recording someone saying the word cunt over and over. Yeah, exactly. I am going to need a lift to the hospital, not you going, sorry. Sorry. They've really got Kappa on one at the moment. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So unfortunately, yeah. Webby was our tech. Webby's a guy that we brought to Koh Samui to, I don't know, get on drugs and then not listen to what was happening and not record it properly. Maybe. Maybe.

Not this Ryan Webb, though, of course. This Ryan Webb is probably, well, he's probably still on drugs, but he's just not recording. Fair chance he's on drugs. Well, he's also not recording our podcast properly, I guess, in that he's not recording it at all. Exactly. Yeah. He's doing an awful job of this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's fucking properly, I guess. Yeah. In that he's not recording it at all. Exactly. Yeah. He's doing an awful job of this one.

Yeah. Yeah. He's fucking butchered it. Something in the name. I've had to step in. Yeah. And take control. Take the helm.

Yeah. Ryan Webby Webb. He must get Webby, right? Surely. Everyone does. Yeah. Does he get a bit of worldwide? WW.

Yeah. Dubsy. Yeah. That'd be good. Bit of HTTP this is my dad HTTP yeah

I'm www and he's my son .com what about what about if you go oh fuck yeah I can't remember what year that happened

webby look it up yep on you on you look deep inside yourself yeah it's funny

to think that there's still people out there that when they go to type in a web address they'll still kick it off with the HTTP. It's like, why is that even in the bar anymore? You've never needed it. Even the www you don't need.

I have to say, Worldwide is a real fucking rap slash gangster name. Worldwide. That would be pretty cool. Well, it's Pitbull. Mr. Worldwide. I didn't even know. That's what he calls himself. Oh, really? Yeah, Mr. Worldwide. Why does he call cool. Well, it's Pitbull. Mr. Worldwide. Oh, I didn't even know. That's what he calls himself. Oh, really?

Yeah, Mr. Worldwide. Why does he call himself that? I don't know. Well, then that's exactly... I've described it exactly then. Someone got him before me. Doody just sent me a message. Oh, what did he say?

Here's the episode that people have just heard. Oh. Right. Okay. Why does Pitbull call himself Mr. Worldwide? It's going to be such a dull answer. Well, maybe not. Because he's going all over the world.

Once he expanded his territory, he felt he couldn't only represent Miami, hence the 305 area code, so he changed it to worldwide to better suit his path. That's it. When I say Mr. Worldwide, it's because we're all around the world. Well, sorry, but that's actually a shit way of having a nickname. So I'm taking it off you, Pitbull, and I'm bestowing it upon Ryan Webb.

Because he started as, he used to be, his nickname used to be 305, the area code for Miami. And then he thought, I'm getting too big. I've had too many hits. I've got to go Mr. Worldwide, which is, you know, like you can't knock the vision. But there's no in-between step. He goes from just, you know, that's like me going from, you know, please call me Mr. 3002. And then a day later, no, I did a good episode of the pod. It's Mr. Universe from now on.

Mr. Milky Way. M-dub from now on. Yeah, come on. There's a middle ground. There's a guy who I met so long ago who is friends of my friends with my uncle i just randomly worked with this guy and he saw my surname and he's like are you related to john i said yeah he's my uncle john daslo john daslo and so this guy he now he like my dad doesn't really have much to do with him but this guy this old man he's like my parents age he comes to my comedy

festival show every year by himself. He'll come up to me at the end. It's very, very weird but very nice of him. But I remember him one time bragging to me that he's lived on the same page of the Melways for his entire life. That's like a thing from that generation where like that would have been a point of pride. You know what I mean? It's like you live down the road from where you grew up and it's like,

you know, the area that you kind of have based your life in really matters to people. But someone now, like a 30, 40-year-old claiming that, would be like, that's pathetic. Grow up. That's so funny that that guy's nickname was Mr. 45F. Yeah, that's pretty good. That is so grim. Melways for people outside of Melbourne, of course, the street directory we have here.

Now, what would the equivalent of the show title be? So he's like, please call me something. Mr. 45F was my father. So what do you call it now? Please call me... I guess like what, the Google Maps coordinates, maybe? Does anyone really use that? I don't know.

You can. You get like a specific little thing that if you click on it, it'll come up to the exact pin. Right. But that's like, I don't think that's specifically a Google Maps thing. It's just like the way they measure that stuff. That already existed. That's just the world.

Maybe there isn't an equivalent then. You mean like what's the modern equivalent of the Melways essentially? Yeah, what's the modern equivalent of how to describe like that 45F? Like I live on the page 45F in the Melways. Someone was telling me the other day that they know someone who will measure, like when they're giving directions, they'll measure things in like the tram stop number. And it's like who the fuck has them committed to memory? They're like, oh, it's, you know,

so it's just next to stop number 115. Right. It's like you maybe, if you're going to like a job interview or something and you don't, you know, somewhere where you don't really know where it is, maybe you memorize it. It's like, okay, here's where I've got to get off.

But you're still probably following it on the map. I've only recently started using my tram app where I was always like, you know what? It doesn't matter when i walk out there's gonna be a tram at some stage and now i've only recently started looking at before i leave the house and going yeah this is actually a good way of not standing there for 10 minutes like a fucking idiot yeah i've i've never really gotten into it i've got to say it's like i'm ready to leave now yeah it's like it's the difference of 10 minutes it's like i don't know i may as well just sit out there you are in a very nice location where you've got access to multiple trams though so yeah that's true so it really is there's

going to be one every five minutes where you are thanks mr thanks mr worldwide thanks the real miss the real original mr worldwide thanks mr new original, Mr. New Original Mr. Worldwide. And now Pitbull is Mr. Worldwide Classic. Yeah. He's webby. I can just swap. Pitbull can be webby. Yeah.

Okay, great. All right. Final one. I've got a lot of work to do. A lot of work to do. My laptop has stopped working. So, yeah. You do all your work on the unplanned title alternator. Exactly.

Put jokes into it. Exactly. And the unplanned joke alternator. I've got to switch it over. Yeah. No, it's still just names. So your solo show is you going, I was walking down the street the other day and Frank Wallace. Anyway, so let's just do one more.

I've got to go and get all of that shit happening And look forward to that Big amount of time That it takes to set up A fucking new computer And pour all of your bullshit Onto it So let's crack on Let's do one more

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Oh Okay What? Oh you'll see Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber

Zane E Comedy Wow subscriber Zane E Comedy. Wow. Zane E Comedy. Yeah. Fuck. Like, slip it on a banana peel and then a cream pie going on the face. Going right up your ass. That old prank.

That's a good... That's actually a good... Like, the wacky porno. Oh, yeah. Just a Cream pie But an actual cream pie There is

Splat Man there is There is a scene In One of the movies You know one of the One of the movies That's made me laugh

The most of all time Kentucky Fried Movie Yep Classic Yeah Zucker Brothers Yes Pre-dating

Flying High Flying High Yeah Where you see it uh where you see that as the you know the wacky movie or whatever this was more way more unhinged kentucky fried movie was a sketch movie yeah worth a look absolutely there is a scene where they put a cream pie i think on a lady's ass and then a cream pie on a horse's ass very funny scene great very funny visual shout out shout out the out the Kentucky Fried movie. We should have a night

where we just have, like, before a pod or before the drunk cast, maybe, or something, just a projector on, just playing one of the classics. Muted. Yeah.

If our warm-up act for the drunk cast is the Kentucky Fried movie playing on a projector. No, do one of those things where it's like, you know, it's the film commentary, but there's no do one of those things where it's like you know it's the film commentary

but there's no making fun of it it's just us going fuck how good's this for like 90 minutes film enjoyment yeah alright guys

well thanks very much for listening thank you to everyone who supports the show patreon.com slash little dum dum club for the bonus episodes and all that kind of stuff

littledumdumclub.com get your tickets for Perth come check us out. April the 24th. Carl Solo Show. Carl Solo Show. It's all there on the website. Thanks very much for listening

and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.