The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 556 - Harley Breen & Nick Capper

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

City slickers beware, it's a country boys spectacular this week as we're joined by NICK CAPPER and HARLEY BREEN! After years of trying, we FINALLY get Capper's thoughts on 9/11, as well as hearing about his recent high stakes bet at the casino. Harley's been spending some time in some wild country towns PLUS we get the scoop on Capper and Blakey's recent ten-day motorbike ride. Was it a triumphant success or a bit of a debacle? Well, we're talking about it on the show, so that should give you some indication. Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Nick Capper and Harley Breen. And if you are listening to this in Brisbane, we have good news. We are coming up to you to do a big live show that is happening when? Saturday, August the 7th at 2.30pm, Tommy. It's at Lefty's Music Hall, a new venue for us. It looks very exciting. So I can't wait to come up, do a bit of stand-up show, then a big old live podcast. A version of this that you're about to hear, but live and with more guests.

Knowing our luck in Brisbane, it's probably your last time to set foot inside Lefty's Music Hall before it closes down after we go there and have a good time doing our show. Grab a souvenir, rip a piece of furniture off the wall. Get on to littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets to that. Enjoy this episode, and we will be back to talk to you in Talking Dumb Dumb. Enjoy this with Nick Capper and Harley Breen. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good day to you, kid. We've got two very special guests in both senses of the word. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Numb Club, Nick Capper and Harley Briggs.

Whoa! Yes. Look at this. This is three country boys versus one little fucking city slicker. Yeah. And he's the one with the one little fucking city slicker. Yeah. And he's the one with the one on. Yes, exactly.

And look where you've made us sit in your little inner city fuck den. We're not used to this. We're used to the great outdoors. Yeah. Do you want to go outside then? We can do that. This is the size of my chicken coop. What podcast are they doing there?

Yeah, whatever happened to just blokes sitting around an old plough disc with a fire? Yeah. A plough disc. A plough disc? What the fuck's that? You know that after a plough, you put a big plough disc on a fire? No, I don't even know what a plough is. No. Yeah, I can see it happening.

Yeah, like a big round disc that you get off the back of a ploughing implement. Right, right. And you put it on a fire and you cook off it. There's a square in the middle and all the oil goes down the square. Look, I'll be honest. I'm not really from the country. I'm just geographically technically, yes, but I did a lot of fucking just sitting inside.

Yeah, yeah. So what, you never helped your dad with the farm? No. Really? He didn't really help. He doesn't really help. I just came from the farm right now. The farm is 60 acres, which to you is like...

Not a farm. That's the driveway. So you're saying Dad never got you to help out with his ploughing instrument growing up? No, no, not with the plough disc. That was more something

you'd get him and Mum would hang out with. By the way, you can easily farm 60 acres. That's a decent block of land to farm. You could put pigs on there. There's sheep and cows.

You could put pigs anywhere. Yeah, that's true. You could put pigs here. Yeah. You could have a little Vietnamese potbelly in here. Well, don's true. You can put pigs here. You can have a little Vietnamese potbelly in here. Well, don't worry, guys. There's just as much depression in this apartment as out in the country. There's just as much.

This is just the shed and the house all in one. And there's just as big a mice plague in here as well. Probably not unfair. Yeah, I'm scared to look in some of those cupboards. My vintage cereal collection So it Cause your parents They had What a news agency Or some shit didn't they

No I wish Fucking hell That would have been Literally my dream as a kid That would be Literally my dream That would be my dream as well Oh man

It's the fucking best I'd get told to leave The news agency I'd be in there fucking everyday Oh man And the video shop News agency and video shop could live in both of those

no I was in the I was in the it was a cafe slash deli oh yes it was a shoe shop yeah

but they didn't buy any cool shoes fucking shit our shoes hush puppies yeah yeah yeah Clarks rocking the Clarks yeah yeah all that stuff hush puppies would do a comeback

I reckon yeah yeah they could become a cool brand like New Balance did. Oh, Crosby's. I love the Crosby. Crosby. A lot of school shoes.

And there was literally a shop next door that had cool shoes. Like, we were fucking five metres from Nike's, and I couldn't. But still, they might as well fucking be 10 mile. Yeah, right. We couldn't have anything. No Adidas, no fucking anything. Did they stumble into the shoe game? Pun intended.

Yeah, there you go. This is why we've got a real professional. I don't even think it was a pun, but anyway. Your dad trips over an untied shoe.

I'll be honest with you, I don't know how puns work. Correct answer. They've always confused me. I don't think they... Yeah, I don't know. I think they just... You know what?

They started deli slash cafe and then they were like, well, we didn't know fucking what that was before we started that, so let's start another thing we don't think they Yeah I don't know I think they just You know what They started deli slash cafe And then they were like Well we didn't know Fucking what that was Before we started that So let's start another thing We don't know anything about And then started that thing

Shoes I don't think they knew anything about it Learn by doing Yeah Start the shop up Yeah they're like Well we've been walking around For years

Yeah Why not Yeah I love just old Timey transactions Not that You know it was the 90s But I just love it

How people Before the internet Are just like Oh yeah what you need shoes yeah go into shoes now there's probably a shoe salesman course yeah you have to do and also i really think that they put it next door that was next door to another shoe shop so they were like oh let's put it there obviously people buy shoes there so it's only fucking next door yeah yeah that's obviously the shoe area of town i've just realized your parents to a lot of industries in Marriott are the equivalent of the old cunt in the office

who's pretty funny in the break room, might give stand-up a go. Yeah, that's exactly right. I've eaten ham before, time to open a deli. To be fair, I'm not really from the country either. I technically grew up in the country, but my dad was the reverend, so our farm was people's souls.

Yeah, that's the pun. That's the pun. Oh, there we go. My dad was a reverend of souls. Yeah. Bang, you got there. We figured out what it was. What shop did your dad run before he started the church?

He was a radiographer. He was trying to find their soul. Oh, yeah. He's done it again Radiography To be a reverend He's like wow From science To not science He looked inside the body

And went Oh there's nothing there Maybe I'll read a book That made it all up Oh yes Right Don't mind that Yeah

Did any of you guys Have a friend I had a friend once And he read the Quran because after September 11th happened. He's like, well, look, I want to see both sides of the story here. Oh my God. Is your friend Yuzi?

After September 11th happened, he's like, let's hear him out. This seems like a good time to pick up a new religion. He could have been like, fucking hell. I mean, I can't be fucking walking down the shops. These cunts are flying a plane into a building. This must be some interesting movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. You know, to do that, it must be cool.

It's like heroin. There must be an upside. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yes. Boy. I'm just going to try terrorist attack when I'm 80, so it doesn't matter if I get hooked

This was my dad as well 20 years of walking around going Fuck how come everyone's not barefoot like me Why are they wearing shoes You know I'm going to get to the bottom of it I'm going to run a shoe shop Oh if the end of the Chandler Maryborough Empire Had been your mum and dad joining Al-Qaeda

Oh there's time We've clocked the main street What next It's not fucking quite 9-11. It's just them driving a tractor into the fucking bank. Yeah, again, you've got to start somewhere. Someone goes to take over the shoe shop in Maryborough

and they're like, mate, it's a fucking slow, slow descent. You know, first Delhi, next thing shoe shop, next thing Al-Qaeda. Yeah, but hush puppies are how you get radicalised. Yeah, because I can't hear you coming but yeah he was the loosest dude ever my mate sam so loose how so what age was he when he's like i'm gonna dig into the quran like 19 oh yeah good time to be radicalized absolutely and uh he he read a um he was the loosest guy ever. Just one of those, you know, you guys would have all been just in a group of the loosest people ever.

And then you're all disbanded after a year. Lots of YouTubers like to claim they're the loosest ever. But you've never seen them up on stage on one of their videos going like, Now, I'm going to talk to you about the Quran. They're more sitting on stools than flying planes into buildings, aren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're non-alcoholic shooey Yeah

The loose people The loosest thing they seem to be Is not technically standing up Sitting down on stage Yes Just fucking defying My legs aren't very prepared Also man

When you're putting up that much content There's no time to be loose You're editing Instagram videos You're uploading stories You're tight You're really tight You know Standards are loose I put more time towards being loose. You're editing Instagram videos, you're uploading stories. You're tight. You're really tight. You know, I put more time

towards being loose. Who is Australia's tightest unit? Do you reckon, like, they reckon they're loose. I'm so loose, I haven't put a new

YouTube video up in about fucking ten years. That is loose. That is loose. That's a very loose worker. Yeah.

And one of them was shot on a flip. Do you remember? Like a Motorola? Yeah. And one of them was shot on a flip. Do you remember? Like a Motorola? Yeah. And he was on the side at a gig in the Gold Coast. And I went, nah, that's good enough. It's still up there. That is loose.

Man, people, whenever I said, oh yeah, Harley Breen, I'm doing a gig with him, they're like, oh, Harley Breen, flip phone Harley Breen. The flip phone guy. Yeah. Oh, the flip-flown guy. Yeah, flip-flown Goldie. That's how I'm known.

That's like Jim Jefferies getting hit in the head on the gig. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's what shot me into stratospheric heights. What got you under here? As seen on the Motorola Razr. It's Harley Pringler. So you're loose, mate. Yeah, and he's like,

I was with him when September 11th happened. Oh, nice alibi. When the first plane hit the building. I was with my best mate when it happened. We were eating pizza, having a few beers, and we were like, what dumb fuck would fly a plane into a building? That is absolutely stupid.

What kind of pilots are they creating? It didn't occur to us that it would be a terrorist attack. You thought it was accidental. He got lost. He just hit it straight square. He's just like, all right, you're going well. You're going well for your first flight here. Oh, fuck, building.

The World Trade Center. Oh, no. Your bearings have been way off. I shouldn't have had that snooze. I can totally see you being like that because you probably could see yourself in there. You've probably done something as fucked as that in there. I mean, close enough, yeah. Oh, I've dropped my phone down the fucking bottom of the cockpit reaching around.

I can't remember if I've told this on the show. I was driving through the city a little while ago with my dad and we went past this big building near South Bank that's got this big lavish pool that sticks out the side of the building. And dad's like, look at that. I'd never swim in that. You'd just feel so unsafe. I mean, what if some sort of accident happened, you know, like 9-11?

I'm like, accident. One of the great whoops-a-daisy moments of the modern era, 9-11. Also, that'd be the best place to be during a – like, just in a pool. Like, not many people would die in there. What a way to go out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If that happened, it doesn't matter where in that fucking building you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're caught. I think he means, like, it'd ruin the experience of the swim. I don't know. I do love the idea of someone in the pool going, what if 9-11 happens while I'm in the pool? Yeah. Yeah. While I don't have my long pants on. Yeah, I'd better get out before I prune up and before the plane hits the pool. While I don't have my long pants.

Yeah, I'd better get out before I prune up and before the plane hits the pool. You don't want to run for cover in Speedos. Bloody hell. You don't want to be like, that's great, the plane coming for you and you're sprinting off in a lifeguard just going, no running!

You're slipping on tiles. Oh, you shouldn't have gone in the pool today! And a day later, someone finding a body with only undies on. Oh, how embarrassing. Some fucking cunt died in their dacks. Right, the lifeguard looking at the plane going like, fuck, I'm going to be run off my feet when this thing hits. You can't get your personal parachute on because it's all slippery

and then when you pull the cord, it's stuck to your web. And also your dick's all shriveled up when they find your fucking burnt up corpse. It was cold! You just got a handwritten sign saying it was cold. Like Pompeii, you know. Yeah, but so it's fascinating to hear that that was the first time I'd ever heard it described as that, but it's interesting that you had the same reaction watching it live.

Yeah, and then the second one happened, and, you know, everyone was, we're all living in a student accommodation place. Everyone's gathered around the TV. But then, yeah, a while later, he's like, man, yeah, I've decided to have a look in the, you know, he read this book about the, you know, being a Muslim and things like that. And then we, I disbanded back to the country. Another one of our mates went back to Brisbane. He went back to Coffs Harbour. And then I disbanded back to the country. Another one of our mates went back to Brisbane. He went back to Coffs Harbour.

And then I rang him. He's like, yeah, man, I'm getting into the stock market and I'm becoming a Muslim. I'm converting to Islam. Wow. So 9-11 got him into becoming a Muslim. Yeah. That was a fucking ad. Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, oh, I saw a lot of good things with it. And yeah. What a bandwagon jumper. Is he still a committed Muslim? I think so. Yes. I think so.

Last time I talked to him, like four or five years ago, he was still a Muslim. The Lord moves in mysterious ways. I would love to know the percentage of people who got into becoming a Muslim when they saw 9-11 happen. That's fucking incredible. Well, man, here's another weird one. Because I'm a big fan of the band She Had. Oh, same.

Huge, huge fan. Love them. Kiwi band. Had to change their name. Ex-Pacifier. Had to change their name due to it sounded too much like Jihad. That's right. Went to Pacifier and then went back to She Had.

Yes. And there was like, how's this for a fucked stand-up comedy routine, right? Are you just going to do your material now? No. What's this documentary? I'm one of the few people who bought the documentary on She Had. Oh, right? Are you just going to do your material now? No. What's this documentary? I'm one of the few people who bought the documentary on She Had. Oh, really? There's a documentary about her.

One of the roughest mosh pits I've ever been in, in the 1999 Livid Festival in Brisbane. Oh, man. Hell yeah. The best. Fuck yeah, She Had. I remember one time Iggy Pop was kind of boring me at a big day out, so I just went and watched She Had.

Yeah. And anyway, after that, they got flown to New York. They were going to get signed, right? Then 9-11 happened. Yeah. But they're like, fuck it, we'll do it. Hang on, they got flown to New York. They weren't on that plane, were they?

No, they weren't on that plane. Right, right, right. No, I must say that they were not on that plane. You're thinking of Jamiroquai. Jamiroquai was famously meant to be on one of those flights. Oh, really? Really? Oh, man.

What a shame. Hey, man. Joke's about our kind of fine, but now you've gone too far. I was just watching Cosmic Girl live going, fuck, damn it. Thank God he missed that flight. Thank God for slow taxis. I can still get Cosmic Girl in the full. But, yeah, apparently all these record executives went to see him.

They said, still going to go ahead, pacifier. And they were doing some gear change or something, right, like changing over the tech or the gear or something. And there was this weird, awkward silence and john toogood said said that um yeah he just said a joke he goes what do you call a cop on a horse you know that joke i don't know a fucking dumb cunt or something like that everybody great you know everybody was behind the police and the firefighters after this, and they reckon about 20 record execs walked out of the room. Wow.

Yeah. So then after that, right, they changed their name back to Sheehad, still a great band, but then he met a Muslim woman in New Zealand, and he's converted to Islam. No. Yes. Jesus. Wow.

Yeah. It's wild, huh? Yeah. Well, they say it's the fastest growing religion. Jesus. Yeah. It's wild, huh? Yeah. Well, they say it's the fastest growing religion. Yeah. So anyway, not funny, but a great story. Do you think like your friend who picked up the Quran post 9-11 and then converted, there must be people who are like,

fucking bandwagon jumper. Name their first three albums, cunt. Yeah. Yeah, no, it's like I've got an Aboriginal friend and I was like, because I did this Aboriginal training course. Hang on. You were going to train to become an Aboriginal? Yeah, yeah. Yes.

You were going to convert? Yeah, I was going to convert. And then I found out you can't convert. It's very hard to convert. What disaster did you see to make you convert? It's a very lengthy process. Like just the ratification in Tasmania 200 years ago? Might be something in there, something to look it up.

White privilege, you say? I'm going to give it a go. Kappa just kicked the box on a form, like on the centre, so you Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander. Easier than I thought. I'm in, boys. I'm rocking up to NAIDOC week. Yeah, but it was for work.

Now, where's the book? Which book do I read now? No, it was about working, because I used to work with kids and stuff and all that kind of thing. How come you don't anymore? What happened? Another wrong book. Yeah.

Are you a pedophile? Oh, this is the funniest joke ever. We're going to get a good laugh out of this. Sex, yes please. The census people will be like, you'd be amazed how many we catch this way. Honestly. I mean, the system really works.

Usually we just get the Jedi. But this cunt has fucking written this in. We didn't even have to take his hard drive. He didn't even have to look through it. to take his hard drive. He didn't know how to look through it. Oh, God. So you're studying Aboriginal studies.

Yeah, yeah, and I said there was a bloke teaching the course and he's like, I didn't find out until I was like 30 that I was Aboriginal. And he was teaching the course and I was like 30 that i was aboriginal and he was teaching the course and i i was like talk to my friend afterwards who's aboriginal i was like man i i think i said a few things in the past and i found out that's not cool like did this whole thing and he's like shut up shut up man you're from maury like you're the you're the you you're fucking you were born fucking racist you know what i mean? You don't. Shout out to Maureen.

It's like being from Maryborough. It's like being from Maryborough. Or Bundaberg for that matter. Yeah, or Bundaberg. Yeah, or most regional towns. Yeah, or pretty much our suburbs. And capital cities. Maybe Australia.

Grew up in Malvern, 30 minutes from the Melbourne CBD. Pretty racist around there. Yeah, maybe South Africa as well. Yeah. Can't get me to start on the fucking Japs though. Jeez, they're racist. Genuine quote that I heard from my grandfather when I was growing up. Get this, guys.

I made a terrible mistake. Yeah, there's two stories you just chose to tell. Okay. Yeah, we might have to cut the other one. Anyway, it doesn't matter. I feel like for context, we should have opened with the story about you bonking your head recently. But anyway.

So, Tommy, you were part of a comedy night that my housemates and I ran. Yes, at a cafe near your house. At a cafe. Yep. Right. It was a fun night, great night at our bed night night. Oh, yes. And, you know, my girlfriend and our other housemate

would put on this comedy night, went really well. Yep. But still we didn't make much money. That's weird. You know, we wanted to pay the axe, whatever. Yeah. We made, you know, about $110 well. Yep. But still, we didn't make much money. That's weird. We wanted to pay the acts, whatever. Yeah. We made about $110 each. Okay.

You put a lot of work in. Sure. All that kind of shit. And we were like, what should we do with the money? We got like $400 here. You know, $450. What should we do with the money? Hang on.

So you have $450 between the lot of you? Between the four of us. Yeah. And you all live together. It's a lot of money, but it's also not much money in a way. Yes. Considering the amount of work we put in. Yeah, you all live together,

so you could put it into like a house kind of, you know, go out for like a nice house meal or something. It's not much money in a way in the way of like the other three of us that have proper jobs and proper money, but it is a lot of money in the way of you who has nothing fucking going on. No, no. It is, yeah. It's the same amount

as the first of six down payments on my eldest child's plates that I just had to get from the dentist. So that's the kind of money we're talking about. You know responsibility? You seem like you're carrying

some kind of burden. You seem like you're kind of angry. Yeah, there's a little bit of burden. A little bit of unfairly swayed towards my way. One of those shoulders is so buff, you've got the fucking weight of the world on it. So you've got $450. Yeah, so we're like, okay.

You're spun out. You've never had that much money in your life. We should do something to further ourselves. Maybe we'll do a course or something, like a pottery course or a cooking course. Yeah. Do something fun. A good pottery course with this $450.

Yes. Yeah, okay. You know. Or maybe one of your Aboriginal conversion courses. Yeah, yeah. We could go on that. What a great idea, Carl. 450 copies of the Quran.

Yeah, yeah. Distribute it. It's a buckuted It's a buck It's not a big issue I know some guys They're only happy to give you Some cheap Quran If you just come to a few sessions

Yeah So we have some beers At this beer festival Very un-Quran like So we have some beers at this beer festival. Well, that's very un-Quran-like. Yes. You got some beers? Yeah. We went to a beer festival.

Oh, yes. I got some tickets to a beer festival. And I knew about four different brewers there, so they were just slinging me a lot of freebies. Yeah. And we got absolutely smashed. Yeah. And we're walking past the casino and we thought,

hey, why don't we put this 400 on red? Yes. Why don't we put 400 on red? Which, best case scenario, you're doubling it. Yes, exactly. Yep, best case. And worst case is you've lost it all. Yes, but you don't think of that.

Yeah, but that seems like a big bet for just doubling it. You're really a glass half empty kind of guy. Like you could put $400 on the nose of a horse to win and you could walk away with $40,000. The odds are only two to one. It's not a particularly great bet, is it? It's a shit bet. You could put that $400 in a pokies and you've got a better option.

Yeah. At least you've got some fun pressing a button and weighing yourself. Well, it's good. At least some lights and sounds go off. Yeah, exactly. See a little squid make a noise or whatever the fuck it does. I'd pay $400 to just play Mario for a couple of hours. I'll tell you what.

I got stuck in Queensland. Go into a lot of pokey rooms. Oh, we've all been there. Mark, I was stuck there for 22 years once. That'll explain it, mate. Yeah, right. Man, the cultural treasure trove in pokies rooms in Queensland are amazing. Are we having a flashback inside your story?

Inside the casino story? Yeah, I'm just telling you the pokies, there's some great ones there. Up in Queensland. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Tarantino presents Nick Capa. Right, right, right. There are some great ones there.

There's some good characters sitting at pokies in Queensland. There's like, what is it? I'm not going to say. Some really burnt ginger nuts just sitting at the pokies. You're like, when did you even see, son? I don't think you've left this room. I was in the Gold Coast Casino the other day. It really did depress.

Dare to dream. I hadn't felt depressed for a while, but I did feel the black I did feel the black dog creeping on me when I was sitting in there. It was no good at all. And did you double your 400 bucks while you were there? I didn't put one cent on anything. I spent my $25 voucher that I was given by my wife, and then I left. That was it. Your wife gave you a voucher to the casino?

Yes. Wow. They say romance is dead. I did $25. Fuck off out of our hotel room. Yes. Wow. They say romance is dead. I did 25 bucks fuck off out of our hotel room. That's great. Don't voucher for the casino. And it's only 25 bucks.

You've got to turn this into tuition for blanket or she's not going to school. And also on the back it says not to be used in the pokies. Yes. Oh really? It was only for food and drink. And also, on the back it says not to be used in the pokies. Yes. Oh, really?

It was only for food and drink. And so I went to use it, and they're like, oh, I don't want to give you any change, so you're going to have to just buy a heap of stuff now. I'm like, all right, what do you got? And then I'm literally, it was like a game show. Oh, 25 in one sitting. Yeah.

Fuck. It was like a game show. It was like a mixed lolly fucking corner shop thing. I'm going, here's $25. Give me some mixed whatever you got. Just was like a game show. I was like, or like a mixed lolly fucking, you know, corner shop thing. I'm going, here's $25. Give me some mixed whatever you got. Just give me whatever you got. So you're just sitting there with a big cocktail, a packet of strawberries and creams. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like that. It's so cold. Cold sitting in the pokies. Trying to jam. People coming past, my wife bought these for me. Just trying to jam a banana in the pokies slot. There goes the happiest man in the casino. The saddest man in the world, the happiest man in the casino.

Honestly, it was like 1am and I'm sitting there with a pint of beer, a pint of Coke and a donut. That's what they could give me for $25. But what did you get with the voucher? Yeah. Ah, yeah. All right. That's what I found. You lost it all get with the voucher? Yeah. Ah, yeah. All right. You lost it all.

You didn't even put any money in the slot. Last time I was on, I told the story about going to Vegas for Russell Howard's bucks. And I came back to the pokies after that story I told of punching the joint. And there was a guy at the front of our casino that was just ten kinds of broken. Like the look on him, he was grey in his complexion and that was not the colour of his skin originally. And he was, like his eyes were just all pupil. I'm like, oh, you've lost everything.

And he was so sad I just couldn't walk past him. So I said to Lee, I was like, just give us a second here. And I went up and went, mate, you all right? And he goes, all gone. Oh, no. And I went up and went, mate, you all right? He goes, all gone. Oh, no. Oh, really? All gone. Oh, no.

And I wasn't even taking the piss, but I just looked at my joint and went, well, this isn't yet, mate. And just handed him the joint, like the tail end of it. I'm like, have a go on that. It might help. And he just sat and just drew the whole thing in as I walked away. I'm like, oh, man. Oh, fuck. That guy got broken today.

That's grim. Yeah, well, that's the feeling. We thought, yeah, let's go to the casino, right? I got the $400 out of the ATM. Nighty was going crazy. You know, Barnes out of the house. What do you mean going crazy? We were all like, yeah, let's do this.

You're pumped up. You're all, it's like you're manifesting it. You're all thinking, you're putting other housemates going nuts. What have you been going crazy? We were all like, yeah, let's do this. You're pumped up. You're pumped up. You're all, it's like, you're manifesting it. You're all thinking, you're putting the positive energy out there. That's weird because the Instagram story I saw of you saying, well, I'm going to put the, it was a very drunk Nick Capper going, we're going to put all this money on the fucking casino. And all of your other housemates were like, don't do it. No, no, they were into it except for my partner, Caitlin.

She wasn't, and we were like, all right, look, considering you don't want to do it, we'll put in $40 each if we lose. Oh, to make up for it. To give you your half. Oh, okay. You buy her out. You buy her out, yeah. We'll buy you out.

Yeah, right, right, right. And we're calling her a sad sack. We're like, whatever, you don't want to have any fun, you know. She doesn't want to have any fun. She's with you. Yeah, yeah. Her life's fun, right know. She doesn't want to have any fun. She's with you. Yes, yes. Her life's fun, right? It's as fun as it gets, okay?

She's like, I can't make this. No, it's fine. You saved her. Yeah, yeah. You saved her from a life of responsibility and consistency. Yes. This is why we're mates, Harley. You get it, man.

You get it. Can you tell her dad this? Who wants smooth peanut butter? I already know her dad, and there'll be no telling him anything positive about you. And, yeah, so we're like, walk in. I've got all the notes. All the notes.

Walk to the table, $400 on red. Yeah. Happened in a split second. Nah, just took it. Yeah. Just took all the money. Yeah. Took all... Guys, we still got $90 left.

It's fine. Walk to the next table, $90 on red. Gone. You move to the next table, you'd at least play the odds of that table. Yeah, yeah. When you say yeah, yeah, you mean no. No. I didn't do that.

Which, by the way, never changed. The odds are always 50-50. Like, it can never come up red. That's actually a possibility. It'll just always be black. This whole theory of you just double it the next time, double it the next time. Well, I suppose, how much can you double it?

Yeah. Do you have a billion? I guess so. Keep doubling. Yeah, yeah. So, guys, all I've got to say here is it put a real dampener on the night. You know how everyone's trying to be happy?

Like, yeah, buddy. Woo. Woo. Well, that was a thrill. We'll talk about this forever. And then I just put the fifth element on and we just watched that and ate pizza. It was like a dead somber. Yeah, your girlfriend ordered pizza.

And we all had to sadly transfer the money into her bank. That's it. Because it's like you brought this story up. The start of it was I'd done that gig for you that you'd paid me for, that you'd gotten the money from. I'm like, is the end of this you're asking for the feedback because you're broke now? Do I have to transfer you that feedback?

Yeah, well, that would be good, Tommy. Tell you what I'll do. We'll go to the casino right now and I'll try and... I've got $500 Kiwi cash in my pocket. I'll give you $25 worth of food and drink at the next place we go to. Man, just think of this. You could maybe lose that or pay for the kids' teeth.

Yeah, I'll probably pay for the kids' teeth. You could pay for the kids' teeth. Your kids could have New Zealand teeth. Hey, bro, check these out. Full gamut of racism from Nick Cafferty, mate. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's getting the whack Give me another one

Give me another one Maybe we should find out the excuse Why you're acting like this Nick Capper Now you've recently been on a big trip Yes You've been on a trip Now some of these stories under embargo

What you told me the other day I said let's go down Let's talk about this trip you did Motorbike You went for like a two week holiday Or trip or whatever it is On motorbike With a friend of the show Brett Blake Yes I said let's talk about this trip you did motorbike you went for like a two-week holiday or trip or whatever it is on uh on motorbike with a friend of the show brett blake yes i said let's talk about and you said well well we can't really talk about it's under embargo because we've got our own podcast it's like well sorry i didn't want to break the embargo and you know the cow

that's going to go out to like fucking 12 people well you know i would like to talk about it on this podcast where tens of thousands of people could hear about it and then go to your fucking tiny little billy cart of a podcast. You know, we've got big stories. Yeah, you've got to protect it. There's a lot of crazy shit. Protect it from anyone ever hearing it. Yeah, that's it. By the way, I've never been more jealous of a fucking thing ever.

Yeah. Saw it happening online. Couldn't even like your fucking post. I was so annoyed. I was so annoyed I wasn't on it. It's not even your fault. It's my three children's fault. I can do things like that, but I'm fucking buying plates.

Which one's most to blame? The one that needs plates? Yeah. Oh, right. That's the one most responsible. Yeah. Imagine you trying to spend all that New Zealand money in country towns around Victoria.

That would be fun. Yeah, that's fun. Just seeing who's dumb. All of them. Fuck, they know their currency. Is the kid who needs braces the one who there's a photo of a few years ago giving me a massage? Should we try and scrub that photo from the internet?

That could come back to haunt me one day. The same one that came up with the idiot bus driver. Yeah. He's been gritting his teeth in his sleep ever since giving Tommy a massage. It's ruined his teeth. Why did Dan put me in that situation? Fuck, Earl.

I'm going to make him buy me plates. The devil man is back. It's Tommy hovering over him. So you went for a couple of weeks or whatever it was on dirt bikes. You were up to nearly Queensland and back again. Yeah, we went to Queensland. We got there. So this is the thing that you and your family do, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. My mates and I, we all ride dirt bikes for three days. Me and a few mates from Gunwinnie, my brother and my dad. Yeah. I started the – well, I helped start it with a mate. And then I haven't been on the last two. Oh, right. I had to go to, I had to do a gig once.

And then another time I had to, there was COVID. So they're all giving me so much shit. They're all like, one out of three, mate, huh? One out of three. Right. So, yeah, I rocked up with Brady. Fucking, I immediately copped The biggest rinsing ever They're like

Oh finally Someone funny on the trip Oh great Great So you start in Gooden-to-Indy We started in Tennerfield Oh okay Yeah

Yeah So Brett and I Had to ride to Tennerfield Good place to start Whenever you're You've got some sort of Motocross long trip Always start at the hometown

Of Peter Allen That's what I think Yes Yeah he rode with us The spirit of Peter Allen. Yes. Yeah, he rode with us. The spirit of Peter Allen. Good reference. My baby. My brother and I were in a pub once in Wolker, this fucked place.

Where? Wolker. Oh, Wolker. It's near Tennerfield, around there. It's a fucked place. I was going to drive through it on my recent fleeing and border run. And a friend of mine who's been around the area, I've been around the area too, but I was like,

don't fucking stop there. Yeah. Okay, fair enough. That's all I need. So I stopped in Bourke. Well, we changed tax and we went further west. And we stopped in Bourke and I walked my one-year-old Kelpie around Bourke that lasted for about 30 seconds.

And I went, oh, that's why the fences are eight foot with razor wire. There's just fucking pit bulls everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, it was... Bourke is wild. It's fucking wild. Man. I was there on Christmas Day.

You were at Bourke on Christmas Day? Yeah, in a motor inn that was just old mining dongers. Yeah. And then at 6pm the gate just shuts and locks and you're inside this compound. You're like, I feel safe. Fuck. Why are you locked inside a compound? What are you locked away from?

All manner of behavior, I'd imagine. Oh, really? Yeah. It's wild out there. Anyway, I got my gun, slept on the porch. Fucking hell. Full on. We actually got out at 6 a or maybe even 5.30am.

I just set the alarm. I'm like, we're getting out. We're going. Hang on. Did you just fall asleep during watching Dawn of the Dead last night and get a bit confused? Because this sounds... It was a bit like that.

And then we... Sorry, I've jumped in on you. No, no, no. We got in and we had one stretch to go and I decided to cross the border at Mungungai. Mungungai, yeah, that's near me. And you can't say Mungungai, you've got to say Mungungai. Or they won't let you in.

And I was driving along a highway that then became dirt. And I was like, that's not very highway behaviour. I feel like I've maybe taken the wrong turn. Yes, absolutely. I don't want to voice it to everyone in the car. Right. Three children, my lovely partner Hannah and the dog. Yeah.

Especially that kid with the horrible overbike. Yeah, well, I wouldn't be able to hear what he said back then. Yeah, he's got me. I don't know what he said. He's got such tense shoulders. And then we... Tommy not returning the favour. We got to the Munungai border and it's just a concrete pillar across the road

with a handwritten sign on it. I recently just told this on my own brand new podcast, but whatever, I'll give it to you. See, this is what you do with content, right? You can just fucking double it up, mate. Don't worry about it. Tell it a different way the next time. And there's a paper sign on it

that says for entry to Queensland, call this number, handwritten. Oh, wow. That's it. That's the, for entry to Queensland, call this number. Handwritten. Oh, wow. That's it. That's the official fucking welcome to Queensland. Yeah, right. That's like the equivalent of in a dunny for a good time. Yes.

That's how it felt. It felt like it was somebody's private border closure. Not a fucking official one. Yes. Like all the other border closures, I've been through heaps of them. You know, there's the full marquee set up. You know, there's a coffee station for the cops.

There's a bridge of some kind. Now, this is just like thousands and thousands of acres of cattle property on that side. Hundreds of thousands of cattle property on that side. No structures whatsoever anywhere. You can't see any sign of humanity except for old fencing. And this concrete pile on with chains. And then a plastic pile on in the middle with chains around it so you can't move it.

I call the number and the bloke's like, yeah, nah, get on mate, here you go. I'm like, I'm at the border. Can I come to Queensland? Can I get in? He's like, oh yeah, no worries mate, be there in a few minutes. Cop car comes flying down the road. He's like, what are you guys doing here? I'm like, is this the border crossing?

And he goes, well well it's a border crossing I wish it was these it's not the main border crossing into Mundungai I was like ah have I taken a wrong turn

he goes yeah about 130km ago mate oh man so like we've been driving the day before it was torrential rain

so it was just bog central I'm only in a Forester with a fucking trailer on anyway he goes I said I've got my permits he goes nah don't worry about it was just bog central. I'm only in a Forester with a fucking trailer on. Anyway, I said, I've got my permits. He goes, eh, nah, don't worry about it, mate. Just undoes the chain and fucking, wow.

Calling the number and being like, pardon me, sir, I can't see the QR code on this concrete. That's right. I want to do things by the book. He's like, yeah, bring in some fucking fruit. Fruit's delicious. Have you got any of that Victorian fruit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have an apple? Yeah, I'd love one. I mean, I hate the buzzy little flies that always seem to be around. Man, I gave up handwriting a QR code. It's a fuck around, I tell you that. Tracing a barcode. Get the local sign writer to do this, you know. Yeah, man, yeah, we're in Wolker.

Because when I walk into a place in a pub they go oh yeah you kind of got to lay down the law a bit because they go because you know i dress like a weirdo and i look like a weirdo people are like oh yeah he's a city bloke and i've got for the record you're wearing a t-shirt with that has a big kangaroo holding a gun yeah yeah yeah that's city that's not country This is ironic city That's a handgun In the country It'd be a fucking rifle Yeah exactly

You're getting your shit right Carl I thought you were from Maryborough What is going on With the metaphor On your t-shirt Because it's got An ashtray that says Australia

That the kangaroos Buttered a cigarette into What does that mean? It's just the dumbest shirt In the world I bought it for five dollars At a market in Cairns I 100% guarantee it's made

not in this country. Yes. Exactly. It's good. We got stuck in and I walked in and they go, yeah mate, where you from? I said, I come from Melbourne but originally from Moree. He's like, Moree? Oh yeah, where you going to now? I said, oh, Tenterfield.

And then this other bloke yells out, oi mate, put on the tenorfield saddler right yeah my brother got drunk in the in the bar with these guys and my uncle till like five in the morning and they just played tenorfield saddler on repeat but we didn't have the heart to tell them that we weren't from tenorfield we're just like uh yeah man, yeah, well, never knew the song until my parents moved there. Again, I love that these boys have been driving dirt bikes for days. Let's put on some Peter Allen.

Oh, man. Exactly, and the best thing ever. I think they were trying to give you a suggestion of what they wanted to do. Yeah. Man, that's pretty close. I think they were a little bit deliverance, but they just didn't have the fucking get up to go to tie you to a tree and fuck you. I think they wanted to call bit deliverance, but they just didn't have to fucking get up to go to tie you to a tree and fuck you.

I think they wanted to call your butthole home. Yeah, well, this is a funny... I said, can I get a few drinks? Gave him my card and the bloke goes, how much do you want out, mate? And I said, I don't want any out. I just want to get the drinks. Oh, yes. And he goes, how much do you want out, mate? And I said, I don't want any out. I just want to get drinks. And he goes, mate, I'm not walking to the fucking end of the bar all night.

Yeah, I've had exactly this. You get this fucking money out. How much do you want, $100? Fuck yeah. And I just felt bullied. I just felt bullied. I'll get out the $100, please. For me, it was $50.

Do you take Apple Pay? Trying to hold your Apple Watch out? I had that in a pub just near my brother's place not too far away from where you were talking about. Just out of Warwick, Goomba Valley. And the bloke was just like, so are you going to get cash out? And I'm like, no, I just pay for the beer.

He goes, nah. Same exact thing. He goes, I'm not walking all the way down there. Fucking rules. By the looks of you, you could fucking do with a few rounds. Maybe I buy 10 beers and you thank me that you fucking didn't have a heart attack this week, you fat fuck. I love any example of that. Someone who's set up their own business and immediately they're like, fuck this.

At just the smallest inconvenience to get the business going. Oh man, I've got F-boss, but I'll be fucked if I'm letting you use it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got the machine put in. Move the machine closer to where you are then. It's fucking portable. You just take it out of the table. How long is this bar?

Why doesn't he? How about I walk up there And I fucking touch it How about you How about you be a proper country public And sit up there Work it up there And slide the beers up and down No no

Western move If I don't get deep vein thrombosis During my shift It's been a fucking disaster The funniest thing about that pub Is my I caught up with my uncle A couple of weeks ago

And he's like Man I went back to that Walker pub had the best night ever then woke up at five in the morning to the radio just blaring

like 2GB or some shit blaring so loud he's in a room he was staying in a room in their house some fucking businessman

set the alarm on the fucking radio. Oh, of course. Something like that. 2GB, and he was trying to ring people. He's like, what did you do? And he goes, no one could stop it. Everyone in the pub just had to leave.

What? He's like, we all just checked out. We all just left at 5.30 in the morning. What? Because it was so loud. Because it was so loud. We all just left at 5.30 in the morning. What? Because it was so loud. Because it was so loud. He's got his clock radio. No, it wasn't his clock.

It was something to do in the bar. Someone's had their clock radio hooked up to the PA setup. Oh, what? And it was going through every room. It was going through the pub. That's excellent. He just said. And the only way to solve this is to check out.

There's no other option Not unplugging it at the wall Like unplug a thing He said he tried all that He said there was What do you mean he tried all that He said there were There were the guests

There were the guests of the pub All walking around this thing And they're fucking PJs Trying to unplug the pub Because it was It was going It wasn't going on in the room It was going on in the pub

To be fair This place couldn't use Fucking FPOS properly So This is actually scary Like if you're unplugging it It's't going on in the room. It was going on in the pub. To be fair, this place couldn't use fucking FPOS properly. This is actually scary. Like if you're unplugging it, it's still going. And he's just like, yeah, it was a great holiday until then. Because we just had to leave. That's fucking great.

Yeah, it's pretty wild. I think that road you're talking about, Harley, did you go through, we went through Bourke and this other place called Laos. Did you go through Laos? No, I think we avoided Laos. Yeah, yeah. There was a, my brother and I,

we drove one time from Moree to Perth, to Kalgoorlie. How many days was that? It was like four or five days. And so my brother and I, my sister never got her license until a lot later. My parents bought her this. Hang on, in the country, how much is a lot later? Like 15?

She was like 25. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was 14 and a half. Disgrace to the family. I felt like I was a really late comer coming from the country, and I got my license at 21. Yeah, me too. I was a weirdo.

I was disgraced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we decided we'll just commandeer the Daihatsu Charade, and we'll drive to Kalgoorlie and get mining jobs. Right. So my brother and I just jumped in this Daihatu charade. We stayed at Bourke. Yeah.

And then we had to go from there to Broken Hill. And you could go two ways. You could go along the highway or you could save like 150 kilometres and go through this place called Laos. Like a dirt road. It's Laos or the highway. Yeah. Yeah. place called Laos like that was like a dirt road it's Laos or the highway yeah and so we went through my brother and I were like fuck it let's let's do it if it looks too rough we'll turn back so you're going Laos way going the Laos way and we pull up this Hilux and

Laos does not sound like a town in Australia I I know. It's so weird. We went from Bourke through Briwana. Yeah, right. Then up through Walgett. Then through... Col... Coleranabri. Coleranabri. Yeah.

Fucking hell. Through Walgett, where Benny from Haydad... Good cotton in Coleranabri. And great cotton in Bourke. No, we mustn't have gone up through there. Jeez, I... And that's where I took the wrong turn, I reckon. And then I went straight up from there to Mundungai.

Ah, right. Let us know if you're listening and you live in any of these places. I'd love to find out. There's some bloke in a tractor tearing his hair out. Yes. At the brown face. Some bloke quickly going through louse ways. It's a big map book at the moment.

Actually, there is a listener from Walgett or Bourke. Because when I did a show in Dubbo, right, because, you know, you guys constantly fucking roast me and it's nice to just get a hand up for once, right? Yes. And we did this show at Dubbo and he's like, hey, mate, I'm from Walgett. And I was like, he goes, yeah, I drove two hours to come and see you,

listen to you on the dum-dum, it's great, right? And then Zach Dyer came over who I was doing a show with and I was like, hey, mate, these are some fans that came out from Walgett. And then the bloke says straight away, oh, I'm not a fan. I just tried two fucking hours. Take the point of coming and talking to you. No, no, don't use the F word. That's a slur.

Fucking roasted me. So the whole table cracked up. Hang on. Was this before or after you did the gig? Yeah. This was after I did the gig. There you go. There you go.

He was a fan. He was a fan. Yeah. He listens to Dyer's podcast now, I bet. Yeah. I just did a show in Dublin. It was great. It was very good.

So Laos. Going through Laos Fucking We better get a bearing on this You know How bad this road is Because it was dirt Yeah

So this middle aged woman In like a Hilux Pull up We go Hey mate We're in this Are we going to get through That

And she's like Yeah no worries We'd just be driving along At 80 k's an hour And all of a sudden There'd be like a meter drop like culvert just destroy the bottom of the car right and this happened like 50 times just when you're getting your confidence up yeah the ass and then went on red mud that was just really greasy yeah

water horrible shit horrible shit man yeah exactly and we're just like this is not gonna make it the car's not gonna make it and you're in a high life is this no we're in a we're in a our sister's Daihatsu charade

oh no is this at 9th as well no in the day in the day just going along just and it took us so much longer

to cut this took us like 2 or 3 hours longer yeah anyway we we kept driving along. We're like, no problems with the car. We're pretty sure that the axle was going to fall out of it or the exhaust. But it just kept going.

And then finally we got to Western Australia. We got to Baledonia, right? Yeah. And my brother and I stopped in this servo to stay the night, right? And we're playing some pool and having a few drinks. Staying in a servo? Yeah. It was the only, it just had a servo.

When I'm travelling, when I go to Laos, I like to stay at the 7-Eleven. I've stayed at a servo before. Have you? Yeah. You get to some of the remote places and that's it.

That's it. There's like a couple of rooms on the side of the servo and that's where you stay. That's it, man. Yeah. And we're staying in tents because we didn't have any money.

So we just put a tent. What about you staying at a 7-Eleven, your bed and breakfast is like fucking sandboy chips and a Slurpee. Like all of my touring life anyway. The worst thing about staying in those places is you probably had this too, Harley, staying in Bourke in summer, is whenever the sun is, it's boiling hot. So you just wake up with this like, it's like an electric blanket's been on.

Like that's your wake-up call every day. So this bloke goes, Hey, mate, do you mind if i take a couple of photos of you boys just i work for a four-wheel drive magazine and uh we're like hell yeah like we just think it's our rise to fame i reckon this is a bit like one time one time when i lived in ballarat there was like when we were about 18 or 19 we were out and it snowed and it hadn't snowed for years and years and we were out playing in the snow throwing snowballs at each other

this car pulled up and this bloke came out with a camera and went can I just take some photos of you boys it's for the it's for the

newspaper and then he just took a picture of some young men snowball fighting and drove away we never saw that picture in the paper

alright boys lids off lids off lids off and you might want Some oil Oil It's better for throwing

It's better for throwing It's better for the camera thing Yeah yeah yeah And then put your dick And now I'm just going to Take my pants off Because I really restrict The angle I need to get

With the camera See now I'm just going to Chase you around Here's a carrot For the snowman's nose Now put a condom on first That's a wide length Also in the camera.

Maybe just give this snowman's nose a kiss. It's low down because he's short. There's no snow. There will be. Oh, God. Rudolph the Red-Dosed Reindeer. The snowman. Mummy, the snowman is upside down.

Oh, God. Photos, photos. See, it's like, yeah. Look, this might sound like I'm telling a lie here, but I'm not. This is honestly, you can ask my brother. This happened. We always talk about this story is the bloke goes, yeah, I'm taking photos for a four-wheel drive magazine.

And we're like, oh, mate, what four-wheel drive is he in? He showed us this Hummer. We went kind of Hummers when you. It was about 15 years ago or something. And I was like, oh like oh wow that's sick like a hammer I said man if you want some

good four wheel driving you should go from Bourke to Laos it was fucked and he's like man we we were told to turn

away from that like two or three days ago he's like we were told we wouldn't get through he's like what were you boys in

and I just pointed to the Daihatsu charade with red mud sprayed all over he's like what were you boys in and I just pointed to the Daihatsu charade with red mud sprayed all over he's like holy fuck took photos of the Daihatsu charade

you know you took your top off yeah yeah he took your top off yeah you showed him a hammer he's like

you know what would look cool if you were both nude in the back of the show white mud sprayed all over the car. Now, here's my kangaroo jack. So were you guys in the back of this four-wheel drive magazine next month under, like, dumb cunt of the month?

Look at these idiots we found on the side of the road. No, we're in home blokes in picture. Look at this bloke strangling his python on a Daihatsu charade bonnet. These guys must have a YouTube channel because they are fucking loose. Yes. Brothers in the mud, you know. Now, this trip you just did, we've talked a lot about other trips. We're running out of time.

Yeah, we haven't got much time. But you did days and days and days of all this bullshit, of riding up the coast. Ten days, right? Up and back? Oh, man, yeah. It was meant to be that. But then you.

First day. You. First day we got covered in, I took, I was like, Brett, it'll be fine. We'll go on this mud track. My mate gave me this GPS file. But little did I know, he's a full-on psycho, my mate. Wow.

Put us on a full dirt track. And the moment we got on the mud slipped out i slipped over and brett's bike was full of mud and he burned out the clutch right so for the next two or three days brett didn't have a clutch right till we got it so we had to get a gearbox yeah i know it was just like if the clutch was just very like wide open like it was like the clutch was on all the time. Oh. Yeah, because the discs were sanded off. Can't believe you didn't embargo that bit.

I know. But yeah, so we had that. Finally get to the place, and we do a couple of gigs. It was fucking wild. It was wild. You did some... Actually, yeah, you did... I saw you promoting the gigs.

You did a couple of gigs along the way, and it was like the big motorcycle tour of fucking New South Wales or whatever it is, which I always find funny because people saw you promoting the gigs. You did a couple of gigs along the way, and it was like the big motorcycle tour of fucking New South Wales or whatever it is, which I always find funny because people are coming to the gigs going, who gives a fuck how you got here? Just get here. Yeah, exactly.

You're not on a motorbike on the stage, are you? That's how you're getting. Well, that's the one I wanted to ride in. Actually, if we do this idea further, you get your audience to come with you on the motorbike ride. Yes, that's right. Like there's a great push bike ride around Victoria. They do. It's an annual thing. do this idea further you get your audience to come with you on the motorbike ride yes that's like the great there's a great push bike ride

around Victoria they do it's an annual thing there's like thousands of them go riding and they put all these little tent cities at different spots

that they stop for the night and they have all sorts of entertainment and big food hall and yes that's how you should promote if he's going to put that poster

that's what you put on there yes I did it. But him, if it's just him doing the motorbike and getting to the fucking gig. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all.

It's like me saying I'm going on a fucking tram tour tonight to go to a gig. It doesn't matter. Yeah, you know, but it's cool. It adds a little bit of flavour,

a little bit of danger. You know, I want to be well. Did you ride your motorbike on the stage? No, but I wanted to. Well, then there's no fucking context. Were you out there like, don't you hate it when your clutch is wide open?

Man, it was pretty funny because we got into one gig like late at night and the second half was about to kick off and we just thought we'd nearly died. We were like, how did we not die riding in the rain at night in the country yeah it was we just couldn't believe that we were alive yeah

and we got on I was like and then you get on and actually die I get on stage and I'm like hey buddy L it's good to be

you know it's good to be here you know it's good to be anywhere yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah bike 69ers yeah yeah but anyways then nothing it's like fuck I think the clutch is broken on this mic I just rode here gee Brett Blake's butt's tired

well that's the thing I got away with one good one I was like I never thought I'd be so glad to get into Area Park

right which is the fucked town outside of Dubbo great local got a huge laugh huge laugh and Huge laugh. And then I was like, yeah, it's just good.

We just thought we were going to... And then I just quickly realised that these people do not give a fuck at all. They don't give a fuck. But my eyes were all red because bugs were flying into them and shit. Sure. And I just heard one guy...

For some reason, mine are redder. Bugs flying into your eyes and going, this is disgusting. And then doing an immediate U-turn That bug looked like A green flower That flew right into my cigarette Well that's what one

I heard some guy mutter Goes Man this dude's smashed He thinks he rode a motorbike here This is the cafe Opposite his house The only thing I also got to say about the country man Was my parents

This is very funny right One time I was drunk Up late at night At my parents place And they can only get this TV channel called Imparsia Yes Where it's fucking just barely TV It just reruns the fucking Crocodile Hunter or whatever

There's a bit of trots on there There's a bit of greyhounds A bit of dish licking Just everything And it's just got like the worst ads you've ever seen like come into bill's takeaway on uhf 11 you know get a free coke or whatever but one day one time i had a thing it goes tennerfield show i think it was 10 or stanthorpe show stanthorpe show come to stanthorpe show it's like we've got rides We've got show bags And we've got Television personality

Harley Breen Had Harley Had You know one of those Kind of frosted Cut out photos Did it really have me? Yeah yeah

Had you At the Stanthorpe show The Stanthorpe I've never done a Stanthorpe show It was That's fucking great It was like Three or four years ago

Must have been Two or three years ago I've never done the Stanthorpe show You must have had a lot of bugs Flying to your eyes And you forgot about it. Was it for Coffs Harbour? No, it was some outback place. That's fucking awesome.

It was for the rodeo. I've got to find myself a copy of that, put it on my show reel. Put it on my sizzle reel. I can't believe you forgot performing at a rodeo. Yeah, I like that the ad for it is more memorable than the actual gig. Totally, I can't believe I haven it is more memorable than the actual gig. Totally. I can't believe I haven't written a whole show about that experience. You wrote a whole show about sitting in a bathroom.

How the fuck have you not been able to get a rodeo gig? Was that a good show, the one you did where you were in the bathroom? No, it was the fucking worst one I've ever done in my career. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, the show itself I'm still into as an idea, as a concept, but I had different management back there and let's just say they fucked it. Read between the lines listeners at home. Try and work out what

Harley means when he says. I was one of those years where everyone thought it was a good idea to start a show at 10 o'clock at night at the fucking arse end of the city. One of those ones. And I'd lock myself in a bathroom for 27 hours as some sort of psychological experiment to see what space

does to your mind. And what did it do? What was the answer? Oh, not much. I didn't really write much of the show. Did it fuck your mind so much you agreed to perform at 10 o'clock at night every night? Yes. And then I built a marionette puppet of myself and a diorama recreation of the bathroom

and recreated moments of myself in the bathroom as this marionette, which I had as a camera feed. Sounds like a lot of bugs flew into your eyes around this point. I was caught. It's like a Charlie Coulson film now. And then I showed a sped up version of the 27 hours to end the show on. And everyone was like, what happened?

Why didn't you just show us that at the start? We could have knocked this off in two minutes. It was probably mostly me. But the next year, I won the piece of wood. So everyone fuck themselves. All right, Kappa. Let's get to the fucking business end of this story. Can you finish one story?

Did your mate learn how to fly a plane? The one that read the career. Kappa. I was like, where's he going? What one have I said now? Has it been this long? So you were driving your fucking bike for about two weeks. Now, how did the story end?

What happened at the end of your trip? What happened is we'd all been riding like seven or eight days, especially Brett and I, straight, and we were ruined. And I said, mate, we'll take it easy on the way back. We'll ride three or four hours a day, stop in at some country pubs, film some content, we'll have a great fucking time, have a few beers. And he's like, yep, I'm down for that. I don't want to go too off-road because we're fucking ruined.

Yes. Bikes are ruined. Butts are ruined. Yeah, butts are ruined. Everything's ruined. Anyway, so get into Glendinus. Oh, yeah. Plan the map out.

And my brother's like, let's go this dirt road, right? Go this dirt road, flying along. Out by the golf course. course yeah having a great time come to the first sweeping corner i can't remember anything wake up on the ground whoa yeah and brett's like we just called an ambulance and then this farmer drove drove me to the hospital and then had to fly home so you so you you just you went over your handlebars you just what did you hit something? What happened?

What happened was, was I was just going too fast, and I hit this corner. How quickly you wrapped up that story, considering every other story's gone for fucking six hours, that you actually fucking have a major accident, and you go, I hit something,

and then I went home. It was an interesting booking decision to get the person to tell the story who was unconscious for nearly all of it. You probably should have had Brett Blank in here. Yeah, you probably should have got the details, man. I'll tell you what happened. He was riding his bike.

Right. So he turned the corner and he went over the handlebars. Did you go around the corner? Did you hit something? Yeah, I went around a sweeping corner. And they're the most dangerous ones because if you come into a dangerous corner, you're on alert. You're like, oh, you know, I better slow down. This looks like a deadly 90-degree corner.

But when it's just a big wide sweeping one, you're like, fuck, I've been around a million of these. Yep. What can go wrong? Tell you what can go wrong. Yeah, when you're at 90Ks and your back wheel washes out or whatever, I just went straight into like fishtails, like straight into losing control.

You put 400 on red. I've gone around confident the odds are good. I put a lot more on red for that one. Yeah. A couple of grander on red. Yeah, and then you saw black. Yeah. I think there's a 400 mil of red on your shirt afterwards.

Anyway, there wasn't one moment of the trip where Brett and I weren't racing against time. Right. We were racing against time. your shirt afterwards anyway we just there wasn't one moment of the trip there was where brett and i weren't racing against time we're racing against time and this was the only moment where we weren't racing against time and then we fucking had to race against time again because then we had to get back here so then some farmer had to to come out get you bring you to the hospital you're in some bumfuck tiny little hospital in some bumfuck town. I can hardly remember anything, but Brett said, what are five breeds of pig?

And I'm like, large white, large black, land rash, Tamworth, and Berkshire. No, he told me you couldn't name the five pigs, and that's why he thought you were in trouble. Oh, right. No, I did name the five pigs, but apparently I was quite repetitive. Right. Yeah, yeah. you're in trouble oh right no i did name the five pigs but apparently i was quite repetitive right um yeah yeah my we went into the hospital and the lady's like you look pretty fucked pretty glazed over and i'm like no i feel good now i feel fine and then she brought my brother in and goes he looks pretty glazed over is he okay and then my brother's like goes uh that's just the way he looks all the time. I heard it was

like you're all fucking in a bed, fucked up, and then Blakey and your brother are in there just roasting you and they go, oh, yeah, you've got all these stitches, you mightn't be able to bathe for a while and they're like, yeah, he's already on top of that one. Don't worry about that. I was talking to Brett after you guys got back and, you know, just checking how everything was and

we were talking about it and I was like, wouldn't it be amazing if this bump on the head makes Kappa super intelligent like when homer pulls the crayon out of his nose and then i sort of was like oh actually sorry man you're probably not ready for gags about i'm sure it's like a pretty traumatic experience and everything and brett's like no i need it like he um he came kappa came off the bar off the bike and just seeing his ass go along the gravel i was saying to people later, first time it's been wiped in ages. What a prick. But there's footage, right?

There's footage apparently of you from Brett's GoPro of you coming off the bike. Yeah, it's from Brett's GoPro. What we're going to do is we've got a lot of footage. Brett bought two cameras, one's for our helmets, one we could just hang it. So I just put a lot of footage. We're just carrying these video cameras around pubs, talking to people, fucking, yeah, it's pretty wild.

Yeah, yeah. So we've just got heaps of shit like that. We're trying to put it all together so we can, you know. I tried to convince Brett that we should call it the schlong way round. That's going to get to yourself. A real viral YouTube channel. And he's like, what about the wrong way round? I was like, look, I still like the schlong way round.

Let's keep it the wrong way round. Schlong way round is pretty good. So that's what you're doing. That's for your podcast slash whatever the fuck it is you're doing. Flat stick. You can listen to all the episodes we recorded in hotel rooms and things like that, just detailing every fucking thing that went wrong. The three days of riding went great, but it all went wrong on the going up,

and it obviously went wrong coming back. Yeah. So you had to fly back because you were going to ride all the way back, right? Yeah. So you've had to abandon the bikes. Yes. And then what? Go back for them at a later date?

We will. That's why we want to film a second part. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. So where are your bikes now? In my... The farm my parents are working on there. Oh, right, right.

Gotcha. Yeah, yeah. So that's what I was concerned about. Yes, yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, it was a wild time and I wouldn't trade anything for it. For those head injuries. Yeah, for those head injuries.

Who cares? Your head will grow back. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I wasn't losing much. You wouldn't trade anything? No. What about $800 at the casino? Oh, okay.

Well, let's go, buddy. Yeah, if you can turn back time And you win that money At the casino But you don't go On the bike trip No I'd still go On the bike trip There you go

It was the best Yeah yeah I wouldn't trade anything for it It was It proves you're a fucking idiot A friend of mine That's a bad deal A friend of mine

Who was almost going to go With you guys Who you My friend Adam Who you took to A motorbike film Premiere recently He

I was telling him About all this And he's like, fuck, well, what a fucked thing to happen. I bet that's probably going to mean Kappa's never going to ride a bike again, right? I'd be too terrified after an experience like that. I'm like, I haven't talked to him about it, but I bet you're dead wrong. I bet you're 100% right.

He tried to ride back and everyone's like, you can't ride back. You can't get on your fucking feet, so you can't ride a bike to Victoria. I remember telling Brett, I was like, man, get the bike settled up. I'll be out at night. I'll be out at 7 o'clock tonight. Jump out the window. Yeah, let's do it. Just with the hospital gown on.

Flapping butt. Right. Seeing someone on the highway with a bike and then holding the drip in another arm. Yeah. Like you said, you were like going, come on, let's get on the bike as you're the drip in another arm. Yeah, yeah. Like you said, you were like going, come on, let's get on the bike

as you're standing up and falling down, standing up and falling down. Well, poor Brady, he fucking, he wanted, because I was adamant

that we finish the trip, right? So, they had to transfer me to a different hospital, right? They've never seen anything like it before.

Yeah, the old one's being fumigated now. Yeah, yeah. They were like, fuck. They had to transfer you to the vet. Is that right? This guy's obviously got a beautiful mind. We've got to conserve it.

But we have never seen a butthole like this. They're like, oh, that's not from the motorbike accident. Set fire to the bedpan he used. Yeah, it's weird. They did set fire to the hospital. Well, it needed a renovation anyway. People were in hazmat suits and it wasn't for COVID. But, yeah, they had to transfer me to hospital

and Brett's like, the paramedic, he was a motorbike rider. So he said, hey, mate, can I see the helmet and the gear? And I can inspect if you had any bad injuries or whatever. Anyway, so Brett brings the stuff along and he's like, yeah, so this is the damage. And the bloke goes, oh, the helmet's looking pretty good. It looks all right. And so Brett goes, so he probably can't ride, right?

And the bloke goes, oh, no, I think he'll be fine. Like he goes, you might as well be sore on the bike. Country paramedic. I've never wanted to see Brett strangle a paramedic so badly. Have you done an MRI? Oh, we don't have one of those machines. We did a wide BR. What's that?

You'll be right. Yeah, nah. He's like? You'll be right Yeah Nah He's like You'll be mostly sore When you get off the bike On it You'll be fine Yeah

So just don't stop Ride straight Yeah Don't fall off Like you did before That's your big mistake Just don't use your eyes The bike might kill you next time

And then you never have to feel Anything ever again Then you'll be totally fine Yeah so Yeah it was a great so so look out for that Flat Stick Flat Stick on the social medias

yes look out for it even just listening to the podcast all the way through when we're you know recapping all the days

it was a lot of fun as well yeah check that out you might want to fucking listen to it so you remember what actually fucking happened

yeah yeah that'd be good good to jog my memory you know Harley Breeze got a brand new podcast I do mates talking about stuff over on Nova podcast official with Nicky Britton actually fucking happen. Yeah, yeah, that'd be good. Good to jog my memory, you know. Harley Briggs got a brand new podcast. I do.

Mates Talking About Stuff. Over on Nova Podcast Official with Nikki Britton. Oh my. Yeah, I love that you've, so 10 years in, you've got, everyone's got their own angles now. Everyone's got their specific angles

and you've got the angle of mates talking about stuff. Do you know, that's the angle we had to fucking come up with. You're not allowed to do that anymore. You're not allowed to just talk about stuff. And by stuff, I mean I'll be talking about my children and Nikki will be talking about trying to go on dates and get dick.

I'm not even disparaging of her. That's exactly what episode one is. It's me talking about kids and her going to a mind-body-spirit festival and buying a clay dildo, which I wouldn't imagine is the right product to make a dildo out of. As long as you don't have a wet vagina, that should be fine.

Yeah. A clay dildo. I think you'd want it wet. Well, you can have a mud dildo then. No wonder you only got a $25 voucher at the casino. Hey, I've just gone through physics. I'm just dealing with physics. Because that is out and a TV

show that I just finished making will come out at some point called Making It on Channel 10 yes but I do like I had a

quick squeeze at you at the podcast because like you said it's through Nova Podcast which I'm like oh because other

companies are trying to get behind podcasts instead of just two fuckheads doing what they think is the right thing. I looked at their Instagram page, and I have to say that your podcast was the only podcast

that didn't have severe Botox included. Yeah, I saw that too. I was like, oh, I don't know if I fit in, especially with what is now available on the Nova Podcast. That's a lot that's happening. There's a lot of stretched skin on. Oh, that's a lot. Yeah. It's happening. There's a lot of stretched skin on that network, apart from you and Nicky.

Yeah. Well, ours was just a cartoon drawing. Yeah. They're not even putting our real faces on. Promo. Right, right. But there will be mates coming on that, and we've also done something smarter than you guys do.

We're not sort of starting and betting in for like 10 years at an episode every week. It's 20 episodes and we're done. Oh, really? It's a season. Oh, that's wise. Getting a company to give you money no matter how well it goes. That's not a bad way to go either, isn't it? You're going to what? Okay.

Man, I was so excited when I saw the podcast because I love Nicky and I love listening to his stuff and I still, my partner, I still listen to That's A Drink Talk and the one you had with Quirk. That's going to come back. The fucking Tim Rogers episode is crazy. Yeah, it's really good. What a legend.

And it is definitely coming back, but that podcast was very difficult to do during COVID. I was out in Dallas. Because no one was drinking during COVID. Well, we were doing a lot of drinking but it's like the whole for me I was like I don't need to do this

because we just should do it every week I liked doing it at the ESPY there with the drinks have people in there you do that otherwise you know

fuck it there's plenty of podcasts talking about alcohol yeah I wanted to have a few beers get that's the drink talking

get a few under your belt and then Tim Rogers just tells you shit straight out of the gate. It's crazy that he still hasn't given up the booth. No. That's wild to me.

Well, I think there's four people sitting at this table that probably should also do that. Absolutely. Fuck, all of a sudden this dude is interventionist. Mate, speak for yourself.

Alright? I made a good decision to go in the casino. I'm going to buy my kids some plates. You've got problems too. Yeah, yeah. I drank 80 beers and then lost $400. All right, guys.

Check out all those podcasts we mentioned. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Bumper episode. Yeah. See you, mate. Like we said at the top of the show, Tommy, we are back in Brisbane for the first time. Yes. Since basically, I think the pandemic happened the next day. I think it happened that day and that was why we found the gig quite weird. Maybe that was it. Because people were going, should we be out? It was the night before pandemic and there was no...

Not a creature was stirring, not even our audience. That's it. That's it. So that was... I've got to say that was a lot of fun. It wasn't really that much fun. It was okay. But yeah, a lot of the fun got sapped out of that thanks to the pandemic.

Usually it's a fucking big old ball up there. As we've talked about many times, the day before in Adelaide was great. Yes. So I think maybe we remember Brisbane as being fun because we were still riding that high of a triumphant pre-apocalypse gig up in Adelaide, over in Adelaide. And a new venue, Tommy, as we're wont to do, find a new venue, because generally whenever we go somewhere, something fucks up, something closes down, something happens. The condemned porn theatre actually gets demolished. Yes.

And the last place we were at, that closed down during the pandemic. Yeah, I guess we were the last ever thing in there, right? I think maybe, yeah. Yeah, because they shut up, they closed up, they bolted it up like the next day. Yeah, I think, well, I guess we were the last ever thing in there, right? I think maybe, yeah. Yeah, because they shut up, they closed up, they bolted it up like the next day, yeah. Yeah, and I have to say,

a friend of the show, Nick Carr, did the early ground work on this venue. So, yeah, it should be interesting to find what the fuck we find ourselves with here.

He's big. I have looked at, I have looked at a bunch of pictures of it and it looks great. But his big selling point was, yeah, you should do a live podcast there. There's heaps of weird-looking shit on the wall. So that should be a good episode.

We get to point out, oh, there's a funny deer's head sticking out of a wall or something. Well, I mean, he's been to our Brisbane podcast before where we've spent 45 minutes talking about a sign that says, No Dancer. It's then become a callback every time we were in that venue afterwards. So I think he's probably got that in his head but uh yeah just great for us to go up there lefties music hall couldn't feel more at home the home of lefties the typical bloody latte sipping melbourneites at their lefties venue if you want to uh if you want us to go to your venue next time um if you've uh listened to to your venue next time if you've listened to

what we've just said obviously just stick up a picture of like a a cat's arsehole on a wall or something and then and then we'll want to talk about that for an hour

and come up and do it and fill your place with punters and drink the place dry I hope there's anything that good on the walls of lefties just coming out

here's my intro pointing at it and going that's you there we go riding high on that one for 45 minutes damn and then me just begging the guest to come out so I can then go, that's you. There we go, riding high on that one for 45 minutes. Damn.

And then me just begging the guest to come out so I can then go, ha, that's your mate up there. Yeah, there we go. There we go. You just got audience members running down to op shops, finding fucked photos for you and bringing them back mid-gig. There you go, that's you. Yeah, great.

So that's Saturday, August the 7th. You've got a couple of months to wrap your laugh and gear around some tickets, if that's a metaphor that makes sense in any way. Get up to that. Of course, only two weeks later after that, Tommy, is our big 500th episode live in Melbourne. Yes. It's all happening soon. Yep. There's that.

Then there's Perth in, what was it, October? October something, yeah. And then I think we've got something else coming up towards the end of the year that we haven't been able to announce quite yet. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there's a bit going on, Tommy. A bit of a live show shenanigan coming up. But, yeah, you've got some studio episodes coming out.

You're pretty – until then, until lefties, really. Yeah. A couple of months' worth of that stuff. Sure. There's some people out there who find that a welcome reprieve. You can't really fuck up too much if you're just sitting in your own house. That's true. So that's it, Stu.

Very fun ep. Long ep. A couple of good old mates. Yeah. I've just done the big drive from Maribor to here, basically, straight. Stripe to Maribor, straight back again. You've moved back and you're now commuting in every week to do the podcast. That'd be good.

Would it? You moved back and you're now commuting in every week to do the podcast. That'd be good. Would it? I did a bit of a – I didn't go to the Kyneton Bakery on the way back. I went to the Wood End Bakery. How's that? On the way back.

Yeah, it was all right. It was all right. Just filled my kid up with sugar at about 8 in the morning. Yeah. And, yeah, just let her get whatever she pointed at. So that meant a cupcake and a fucking big meringue and paid for that on the way back as she just fucking ripped her clothes off and threw things at me and screamed. Insane in the car.

Yeah, yeah. Is Wood End nice? I feel like Wood End's burnt into my memory as being the place that we had to go on school camp so I've got a very negative... Oh, really? I've got a very negative association with Wood End just because I hated going on school camp.

Someone told me the other day it has several comedians that you know of that live there like a big bunch like it would be if all the people that live in Wood End did a gig together

it would be an extremely fucking weird line up there's all ends of the spectrum literally happening in Wood End is it near no I'm thinking of it I thought it was maybe

near where Tom Gleeson lives but it's not it is a little bit is it yeah yeah yeah same city area I saw a few signs suggesting I go there but

i didn't suggesting you go there well i was saying this is how you go there right right yeah not the street sign saying no no wherever you're going oh fuck that don't go to melbourne go this way literally said pointed an arrow at that town and said how how many kilometers it was to that town which i think is it's a suggestion. It's a suggestion, yeah. It's not telling me not to go there. Yeah, I wonder if anyone ends up in a town just like, I don't know, man. I saw the ad.

The power of suggestion. I saw the ad. Your ad, what ad? Bendigo, 30. Good ad. You can't get a better tourism campaign than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Truth in advertising.

It was 30 kilometres. Yeah, that's not that far. Once you're on the freeway, if you're doing 100 doing 100 get there pretty quick i do like asking my child questions of which she barely understands but i was like saying what do you reckon should we move here just in the middle of nowhere should we move here in this paddock and she's like yes yep okay that's why i don't leave all the major decisions up to you blanket you fucking idiot yep can't just live in a fucking paddock. She would have been pretty happy with it, though.

I think she'd be pretty happy. Yeah. It was sheep. She liked animals. She was into sheep. Yeah, I'll bet. Yeah. Yeah, took Blanket up to see mum and dad.

Mm-hmm. And left my wife to have a night, a blissful night off alone. Mm-hmm. And my mum and dad were positively ecstatic. I bet. Loved a bit of that. That'd be like fucking crack for a grandparent. Yeah.

Getting a bit of grandchild time. Absolutely. And then the baby just sleeping all the way through the night because there's no cunt fucking honking horns along in Hawthorne. I had to wake the baby up. Wow. Unprecedented. Get up, you lazy cunt. Yep.

So, yeah, it was good um yeah just a just a whistle stop tour of mirabara though just it's it's it's actually not very good at all you drive up and drive back fucking long way up and then you just turn around come back again yeah you're there for an evening and then you come back yeah yeah not really worth it hard work yeah uh good sleep but yeah anyway it was just just just to go up there and then the baby goes to evening and then you come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not really worth it. Hard work. Yeah. Good sleep, but yeah, anyway. Just to go up there and then the baby goes to bed and then you're sitting there watching TV with mum and dad. That's it. And they're just looking.

They were watching. Yeah, what are they on to at the moment? What are they loving lately? Oh, man, they're hardcore ABCs at the moment. Of course. So they're on the news, the 7.30 report. I got told off for changing the channel when Australian Story was on. Oh, okay.

Yeah, of course. Really into it. Yeah, the Monday night. Monday night's the big ABC night. Big current affairs night on the ABC. Getting a bit of media watch. But then, no, because they changed the channel to watch Have You Been Paying Attention. Ah, so Four Corners isn't getting a look in?

No. So then they were just commenting on all the people on Have You Been Paying Attention. Bless you. Bless you again. What am I?

Just talking about people I know on the show like I didn't know them. Yeah, I reckon they'd be like this. I'm like, not really.

Yeah, what do you reckon Ursula Carlson's husband's like? Now that I like. Sorry, Mum. You know what her partner's like? A lot like her in a lot of ways. Yep, yep, yep.

Have your parents been paying attention to any of Ursula's material? Yeah. Anyway, Mum and Dad, if you're listening. If you're listening. But I've got a big feeling they're not listening to this podcast given that also my dad told me

a big story about how he couldn't get a $10 bucket of chicken because they insisted that he used the KFC app which he didn't have

or know how to use and then asked me if he could get the app the KFC app on his Nokia fucking 2210. And what, he's hoping that they'll bring this six-piece feed out to their farm?

What? No, no, no, no. Like when you're in the store? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, this is like a – they wouldn't let him order it at all? No. App users only? It was some deal on the bucket.

Right. Oh, they want to get – they want new subscriptions so you get a couple of bucks off the bucket if you show the app. Furious going, do they even want business? Well, to be fair, they're burning the business of a 75-year-old. It is fair. You do see every big business, big, big companies going, everything's got to be an app or this sort of thing.

And sure, in the big cities, that makes sense. But you would think in a country town, it's like, don't worry about this. Don't worry about this yeah don't worry about having this promotion on the app like just just give them their fucking just given their two bucks off yes a bucket of chicken yeah and i'm like oh god look give me the phone i'll download the app they're like oh can you do that will you do that for us i'm like yeah absolutely just give me the phone i'll give the the kfc app and i'll get it and go yeah i actually can't figure it out download that i can't uh can't get that on your phone actually.

I can get that. For some reason, I could get the Malaysian KFC app. Okay. Couldn't figure out how to get the Australian app. I mean, what is the benefit to a McDonald's or a KFC or whatever in a small town holding out and forcing people to get to the app? What benefit is it to that company to have people like your dad on there? That's the question they were asking me.

And I'm like, why are they doing this? I'm like, I just think they want everyone signed up to the app. I think that's the deal. They just want to be able to send people ads and that's why

they're giving you $2 off chicken. Well, I think with a lot of those places it's because they're also on Uber Eats but they want to get in

and like, they don't want to give over that cut. They want to head it off at the pass and have, if you're a big enough company, you can start your own. Like,

Jacko's has one. I think Donnie's, yeah, Donnie's definitely has one. I didn't know KFC had one or maybe I did. I have a feeling I've downloaded the KFC app

drunk in the middle of the night hoping to be able to get them to deliver to my house. I'm looking for it right now because I, there you go, there it is.

How come I couldn't get it on my mum's phone? I don't know what the fuck is going on. I gave my old Apple iPhone to... Oh, your Apple one? Yeah, my Apple one. Right.

Not the NQR iPhone. The Samsung iPhone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the Nabisco iPhone. Not any other branded iPhone. If you were Samsung or whatever, that would be very funny to do. Just have a press conference where you're like, you know how Hungry Jacks was doing the Big Jack?

Where they basically were like, yep, we've made our own Big Mac. If you're just Samsung, you're like the iPhone, but it's not one word, it's a space. I space phone. E-Y-E. Yeah. iPhone, because you look at it with your eye. Yeah.

Just try that on and just see. Also, like doing it 15 years into the iPhone existing yeah we're going to get on the bandwagon of the iPhone we're going to try and head them off at the pass yeah

but yeah that's on my yeah so for some reason yeah I've given my mum my iPhone yeah so she's got that

it's basically it's just so I can send photos of her grandchild to her that's literally it yep and so every time i get up it's like i go up there she's like i've got some messages for you well you've got some messages for

me yeah and then shows me the phone it's just some spam that's come through that's gone hi carl do you want 69 off some deal with fucking a nigerian prince or whatever my mom that's not for me yeah that's just a that's just i have a similar thing where I gave my mum an old iPhone and she's always getting frustrated because she can't get new apps because you need an Apple account. She doesn't know how to do that. Yes, yes, there you go. And then I was like, I'll just sign you in on my account,

download the apps that you need and then that should be fine. But then I think once I logged back in on my phone, it then kicked her out. Right. And she's like's like oh i'm always getting this thing that comes up and it says dazzler what's your password she's like i don't even what's what's it asking me this for and i've had to go i'm sorry mom like i've done i've given you the phone yeah that's all i can do i think you're not going to be able to get and then i'm like going what fucking apps do you yeah what apps could you possibly need yeah it's like it actually, it is frustrating because she'll be like, she couldn't get Uber on there. But dad's got it now.

Dad just books the Ubers. That's fine. But I was like, it's actually kind of good to know that mom doesn't have access to like, imagine mom getting hooked on Candy Crush or something like that. Having a credit card in. Yeah, not knowing that she's like spending money every time she has a new go. So, you know, it is frustrating, but it's also a bit of a relief. Yes.

It's like I've got child lock on. Yeah, totally. That's, that just reminded me because I'm like, oh yeah, I couldn't get KFC. But then I remembered I couldn't fucking do it anyway.

I went to just give her some other fucked up and it was like, no, it's locked into your account. Exactly. I'm not doing this. It doesn't matter. I'll sign a mum up to Apple. Yeah.

It's not happening. Yeah. It's just confusing. And also she's, what's she going to, yeah Yeah. It's not happening. Yeah. It's just confusing. And also, she's, what's she going to, yeah, if it's just to get

a couple of free nuggets, don't worry about it. Sorry mum. Don't stress it. You've lived a good life. You've got savings. Yeah. This is what super's for.

Spend some of my inheritance on a couple of nuggets. This is what super is for, paying the premium for a bucket of chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Paying the 50 cents of aioli, that's what you worked for 60 years for.

That's it. I'd hate to be that age and being like, if I don't get the discount, I'm not having the chicken. Well, it is tough. I guess it's that interesting thing in superannuation where you get to the end and it's sort of like, well, I've got enough money if I live this long, but who knows how long I'll live.

Well, but I mean, you spend some of that money on KFC. That's taken care of that problem for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of a sudden, that super that you thought was going to have to last 20 years, you're knocking through that in about 18 months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you just get KFC every meal. Just getting a bit of pumping that gravy through your lungs, you're problem solved.

Oh, fuck. I could go some KFC. Oh, well, I've had enough gravy. I've had enough, I was going to say gravy. Oh, well, I've had enough gravy. No, enough bakery products this morning. I haven't had lunch. I was eating at Muesli Bar before we started recording. Got a big old curry pie at about 9.15.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Not a great start to your day. No. But let's crack into this. Yes, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club where you can support the show, get some bonus content every week, two bonus episodes,

and most importantly, get your name read out here, potentially. In the back end of the show, we do as many of these as time will allow, which kind of varies every week depending on schedules and how long the main episode has gone. But we've both got a pretty clear afternoon.

It might end up being a pretty long one today. I think we might end up doing longer than we usually do. Really, Tommy? Yeah, I think we'll do. I've got a feeling it's going to be the most number of names we've ever done. Wow, that's interesting because you didn't ask me what my schedule was like, actually. So, okay, all right. I'll say this i

can guarantee this we're not going to do any less names than what we've ever done we're not going to do the lowest amount of names we've ever done what's that uh 11 well we're not going to do less than that we're not going to do less than 11 okay there's a big call all right here we go um thank you to every everyone each and every one of you that continually subscribe, continue to pay money to us. People have already had their names read out. Well done. You're part of the gang.

You're part of the club. You've been immortalized. You live forever. Now, let's welcome in some new people. Yeah. Maybe we should have a name for people that have already had their names read out. You know, you're part of the club. You're part of the Mount Dumb Cunt Mall or something.

We should do these live. Mount Pay Mall. Yeah, yeah. We should do these live one time and we have people come in. We do it like it's a hazing ceremony in a fraternity. Right. So they come out and we're just like, this is the audio equivalent of that. Right.

They're blindfolded. We're paddling them on the that. They're blindfolded. We're paddling them on the ass. Dropping hot wax on them and shit. So we've done the audio roasting. We need to do some physical roasting. Yes, we round them all up. Any Patreon subscribers here, get up on stage.

We need to fucking wedgie you. Yeah. Right. Okay. Well, let's find out whose fucking underpants are going to go straight up their little tight fanny this week. That's the back part.

Hoisted. Yeah. Do you ever get wedgie at school? None that stick out, but presumably there was a hot minute there where it was like

everyone's... I think it was like the first kid that saw it on a cartoon or whatever. It was like this is just happening flat out. What was kind of more common when I got older was like having the – we had to wear a tie and you had the little tag that's on the back of the tie. If you could rip that off the back of someone's tie. Yeah, there was a kid at my school who had like 20 –

They collected them. Yeah, 20 tags in his pocket. It's like his trophies. Like the little tag that says who made it. Yeah. Like a tiny little tag. The little bit

and then you can tuck the kind of back end of the tie into it like the loose, like the smaller bit. I've worn a tie probably three times so I don't really know.

Alright, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cab off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First cap off the rank this week. Thank you very much to David Coffee. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I needed this morning instead of the fucking curry pie.

That's it. At 8.15. Yeah. C-O-F-F-E-Y. Oh. So close. Yeah. So close.

Can't. See, you're a big coffee man,. So close. Yeah. So close. Can't... So you're a big coffee man, aren't you? Yeah. Like I got into the habit of like just feeling like I need it in the morning. So I'll have one to start the day. But I'm not like... I'm not an aficionado. I'm not one of those people that like...

You know, Ben Lomas loves all these different beans and he like fucking... Does he? Remember the time he did a pot here and he came around, he bought his own little coffee pot with him? Yeah. And just like boiled his own, you know. See, I'm not, I wouldn't, I'm not that.

And like the difference for me between, you know, some people like you go, you get a takeaway and they're like, terrible coffee here. I feel like I've got a very bad palate for knowing what I'm having. I'm not fussy. Okay. Oh, that's interesting. I mean, when I moved to a new area, like when I moved here, kind of, you know, sussed out.

Like, do your little lap of all the different ones and then go, I kind of think I like this one the most. So I'm fussy in that sense. Right. In that I've just found one near me that I prefer. You have opinions. But I'm not like. Crazy.

I'm not someone who will like send a coffee back if they're at a cafe and they're like, this is a diabolical quality. I mean, I'm not like... Crazy. I'm not someone who will send a coffee back if they're at a cafe and they're like, this is a diabolical quality. I mean, I'm interested. I'd like to be interested in coffee, I would say. I don't drink it at all. But it's like wine. Not into it at all.

Not against it. Just not into it. But it's one of those things where it's... What else is there? Like coffee. Because people are into coffee, people are into wine. They have the same sort of issues with either one. They like and dislike things for the same sort of reasons.

They're not snooty, but they do talk about fine little details between the two of them. I mean, if you're super into it and let's say you're at a friend's house or you're travelling and you can't get what you consider to be a high-grade cup of java, then that's frustrating to a lot of people in the same way that, like, maybe they go to a bar that's just some sort of shitty suburban pub where they can't get a, you know, an upmarket glass of pinot or whatever.

But I'm not – I'd like to be into either of them just to be able to talk about them like that. But is there anything else that's like that? I feel like I can't. You can't do it with fucking potato cakes. It's stuff I like. You know, it's like muffins and, you know, whatever. There's not really that much else out there.

They're the two big ones that you can be snobby and weird and detailed about. Purely in terms of like food and beverage and stuff, that there's like big community? Yes. Oh, I mean, you know, beers definitely. Like there's like craft beers and stuff. Like, yeah, Kappa talked on that episode about going to a beer festival. I went to the same beer festival.

It's like all the small little craft brewers. And again, beer's a thing that like- It's getting that way. Since lockdown, I've been dabbling more in craft stuff and I can tell the difference a little bit, but I'm still, you know, I'm just happy to be in the area, to be honest. Like I'm not turning my nose up at any particular one or the other.

But yeah, coffee and wine, like I would like to be... I mean, coffee I think is more so in that it's like, it just becomes habit. Like for me, I don't even really know how much I necessarily enjoy the drink. It's just become part of get up, get your coffee. That's the start of the day. It's like habit forming. It's like the brain going, now we're on here.

This is just like how the day starts. I reckon the closest I get is just figuring out which chips I like best at all the fast food chains. Yeah, okay. Yeah. KFC, then McDonald's. Figuring out which chips I like best at all the fast food chains. Yeah, okay. Yeah. KFC, then McDonald's, then possibly Red Rooster. Yep. Then maybe Nando's.

Yeah. Hungry Jack's is pretty low. Depends on are you factoring in the dips? Because Nando's, if you factor in that beautiful Perenaze, even though the chips themselves I don't rate so much, but God, that dip does a lot of heavy lifting. Right, okay. You know what I had in Sydney for the first time in a long time? Oporto's.

Oh, I had it the other day. It's great. Loved being back in an Oporto's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely great. Yeah, yeah. You know what? That's a great point. oh i had it the other day it's great loved being back in an oporto yeah absolutely great yeah yeah i you know oh you know what that's a great point that's a great thank you yes because in sydney i had oportos as well yep um did you have it in um newtown yeah the one we were staying across the yeah that big that big ass fucking one that looks like it's got a big car park for some reason it

looks like almost like yeah it's bizarre it's huge yeah um you know what i did i walked way up the other way and then i was like i was doing that thing where it was like right i'm gonna have a big lunch that's gonna be fucking great i'm gonna treat myself now who gets the benefit who's gonna be the benefactor right which shop here and i'm looking at shops and i'm weighing them up going is is this the place? Oh, no. And I'm sparring in people's fucking laps what they're eating. Close. I'll gamble. I'll keep going. Yep.

I kept going. I kept going all the way up the street. I got to that point and I was like, oh, you know what? I'm out. I'm doing it here. Wait, you got to Oporto? Yeah, because I walked way up the other end first. I was going to say, Oporto wasn't that far away from you.

No, but I walked way up the other end first. Okay, the other end. I was going to say, Porto wasn't that far away from it. No, but I walked way up the other end first. Okay, right. So I walked down a few blocks first and then went, this is going to be... All right, you know what? You went the wrong way, by the way. All the options are the other way around. Well, that's what I'm about to say.

Yeah. So I had a big lunch there and then walked and then walked past 70 fucking Thai restaurants that looked awesome. And everything looked great. I was like, you fucking moron. I said this in our Facebook group. I've never seen a higher density

of Thai restaurants, Thailand included, than King Street, Newtown. Yeah. What's going on there? Did you walk past the one that's like huge and it looks like a palace?

Yes. It's just got all this opulent gold shit in there? Yes. And then I went, people will... And they'll open for lunch as well because I saw that coming up

and I've seen it before and I was like, well, the good thing is it won't be open. Absolutely open. They they'll open for lunch as well. Because I saw that coming up and I've seen it before. And I was like, well, the good thing is it won't be open. Absolutely open. They've got a gift shop as well. Yes. They've got like a Thailand gift shop. I nearly went, I was going to go in there and I was like, I can't bring myself to buy a souvenir of a place I haven't fucking eaten at.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like people will know, Sydney locals will presumably know the place I'm talking about. But then if you go around the back, because there's like a back street that like, where it's like on the block of, so you can see into the back entrance of the restaurant there's like a like a little workshop thing out the back of it that's just got all these like metal sculptures of like predator and like all this science fiction shit all these like it's got all these like robots out the back of it it's really fucked i've yeah i've seen that before now yeah yeah i don't know what the story is, but someone will be able to tell us.

Fucking killing me walking past seeing that. I've never eaten in there. I wanted to eat in there. And just seeing all the great lunch deals that were going on. Yeah. There's so many good-looking food places, and I just fucked it on Oportos. Yeah, Thai restaurants are very generally, like interior design-wise, pretty bare-bones. And this place looked like a fucking awesome vibe to eat in.

The king of Siam. Yeah. Oh, totally. Yeah, I had a similar experience where I went to Oporto's and then went for a walk later that night to get some dinner. And it was like walking past the Zambreros, just walking past all this other great stuff and being like, didn't regret my Oporto, I have to say. Been so long since I've been near one.

Still happy to have it. But had the same thing of going, I think if I'd known that just going another block, I could have had Zambis, I would have gone for Zambrero. I even felt very full and just ordered another. I went past a particularly enticing pizza shop that did buy the slice. And I was like, I am absolutely not hungry,

but I feel like it's my duty to get something that looks that good it is a shame when you when you're somewhere different and you just go to a chain because you kind of feel like you got to have like even if it's not the most mind-blowing thing just a semi-local meal yes but then sometimes you just it's like you got to let yourself off the hook and go nah i wanted a big bondi i really as soon as i saw it i was like i'm actually fanging for a fucking big bondi well the weird fucking shop took the cake for me i was like yeah i'm gonna go and sit in that weird shop yeah um but i fucking blew it absolutely as soon as i was walking along i was like fuck i can't wait to get back to sydney

to write this wrong yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking blown it. Go to that big joint. Well, thanks, Mr. Coffee. Thanks, Mr. Coffee. Thanks, David Coffee. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tristram Jones. Oof.

That's tough. That's a tough one, I've got to say. It's a lot. Tristram. It's a real mouthful. A real mouthful of marbles. Tristram. It really sounds made upful. A real mouthful of marbles. Tristram. It really sounds made up. Well, they're all made up.

But what's the real name? Trist... What do you call it? Tristan? Tristan? Is that a real name? I think so. I think that's the real version.

Tristan. I'm looking it up. Tristan. Tristan. Is it Trist... Should I just ask Google? Is it Tristan? Yeah. It seems like there's a lot of Tristan. Yeah. I'm looking it up. Tristan. Tristan. Is it Trist... Should I just ask Google? Is it Tristan? Yeah.

Yeah, it seems like there's a lot of Tristan. I'm going to eat my muesli bar in disrespect of this name. Okay. This fucked name. Because... Tristan. There's a few... Now, let's...

I feel like me having food in my mouth will make the sound of the name better. Oh, right. Tristram. At least you've got an excuse now. It sounds like when one of the parents was dictating the name to the other one to put on the birth certificate, that they had a full mouth. Yeah. They were like midway through it.

You know, they were eating a burrito. Yeah. They're like, what should we call our kid? What about... And they went to say Christian. But they had their mouth full. They're like, I reckon call him... Yeah.

Call him Chris Christian. What? They're like, They were like I reckon call him um call him Christian. What? What? Call him what? Call him call him Christian.

Okay well I'm writing down what I heard. You got it. We haven't conferred on this before the baby being born but you're

wishing my command. I don't know why you're eating a muesli bar in the operating room but okay sure. The operating room. Yeah that's where they're named, babies.

That's where you make all your big calls. We've got to do an operation on you in order to get this baby out. Yeah, and we fucked the operation. That's why your name's Tristram. Tristram. Tristram. Tristram. Tristram.

What's Google digging up? Did you know that Tristram is the only trailer boat manufacturer in new zealand designing and testing all new models on cad what's the ad well said is i presume what your dad uses that um uh architectural uh cad software yeah yeah right right right yeah yeah um so there you go the only trailer boat manufacturer designing and testing all new models on CAD. Okay. Yeah. Good for them.

Out of all of them. Yeah. Why are the others... What have the others got against CAD? Well, probably because they don't... None of them... They don't exist. How many trailer boat manufacturers are there in New Zealand?

Couldn't be fucking too many. Well, I also like that Tristram Boats have gotten in them to fucking snoop around and find out the software that their competitors are using. Love that. If it's a huge industry, they're just out of interest. Are you still on Illustrator over there? What software are you using? Are you on Quark? I would imagine this is actually not a good thing because CAD's been around forever and maybe the industry standard has become something else.

So they're trying to claim it like, how good are we? But it's actually like, they're fucking shit cunts who can't afford new software. Everyone else is on Adobe Boat Cunt. Yeah. Yeah. And they're still using a fucking Linux bullshit to make some... They haven't paid for a new license since 1998. Nah, it still does the job.

They're still designing boats, trailer boats on the same software your dad designs lighthouses on. Exactly. Famoushouses on. Exactly. Famous lighthouse designer. Yes. God, that's a pretty dull job as an architect just to circle. There you go.

Well, they're all, you know, you put it down, you drag anyone down to your level like that. It's all a bit boring. No, but I just love because it's like

if you're doing plans it's top down, right? So your plan for a lighthouse is just literally you drawing a circle and then turning up to the client.

There you go. Like, oh, fuck, he's done it again. The old Mexican on a bicycle trick. Yep. No, no. So Tristram, that's what you're famous for. Yep. I'm also getting a lot of bullshit, bullshit fucking science fiction-y, like old school

night at the round table bullshit coming up. Oh, right. But it's not one of those names where you've put it in and Google's gone, did you mean? No. Okay, that would have been. Well, sort of. It's like, it's alternative versions of Tristan.

Okay, right, right, right. Exactly like you're saying. So we're right. It was Tristan. What we're saying, misspelling. Yeah. Misspelling. Tristram.

Yeah. What about this? You know when it says people also ask, it says, what happened to Tristram? Great question. That is a great question. And the first sentence is, Tristram was already lost. It says it all.

I think we should read no further. Do you think it's about this guy? No wonder he's lost. He's lost. He got into this podcast. Everyone cut him out of their social circles. Yeah. And then people were like, what happened to that guy?

Yeah. He turned to this podcast because everyone was saying to him, don't you mean Tristan? Yeah. He's like, fuck this. I'm running away from everyone. I'm going to self-isolate for years and I'm going to just listen. Podcasts will be my friends. Yep.

This podcast is great. I'm even going to give them money. Oh, no. It's happened again. He didn't read the fine print. It's happened again. Yep. All right.

Well, thanks, Tristram. Sorry, Tristram. Sorry, Tristram. Sorry, Tristram. Thanks and sorry. For everything. Yep. For everything. Not for the name.

I mean, we didn't do that, but we're sorry that that happened to you. Yep. Sorry that you got offended. Yeah. That's your fault. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Sarah Atkinson. Ooh, laddie fucking duh. Ooh, laddie, fucking duh. Finally, a bit of fucking royalty on the podcast.

Sarah Atkinson. Atkinson. That's a very prim and proper name, I think. Yeah, I would agree. I'm getting real... If she's in a movie, the scene that you meet her character in, it's like she's just been, she's just been,

she's out in the family estate and you just see her off in the distance and she's horseback riding. You know, she's in the full get up. Sarah, come over here. It's like some potential new suitor has turned up. Right. That's the vibe I'm getting.

It's very close to, it's very close to sort to royalty, isn't it? Without quite being royalty. But it's definitely character in a movie time. You're not getting some fucking loose unit as we were talking about before. Yep. Let's see if I can find the Sarah Atkinson. Let's see if our feelings are confirmed.

Let's see if she's some sort of Penelope Pitstop type. Oh, no, she's not in our Patreon group. Oh, okay. Someone's too good for Facebook. Yeah. I find that interesting when you get someone that's like, guys, you subscribe, you get all these things. You get to be in a private Facebook group,

and they're like, no, we're good. Yep. I'd rather not even more of this stuff. I don't even listen to the bonus episodes, actually. Well, that's it. Some people... These are pity dollars. I'm not looking for anything extra.

I feel like a lot of people, most people out there are doing everything they can to try and, like, wean themselves off the worst parts of social media. And so hearing, like, hey, sign up to a group. We'll be all this stuff that keeps bringing you back in. I can understand going, like, hey, sign up to a group. We'll be all this stuff that keeps bringing you back in. I can understand going like,

if I sign up to that, it's all over for me. I'm straight, I'm further back into the rabbit hole. Well, yeah, it's funny. I sang on social media during the week. There was a, when our Twitter got hacked,

the hacker was trying to get our listeners to sign up for Bitcoin. It's so funny going into our inbox now on Twitter and it's just like fucking dozens and dozens and dozens of messages where some people have replied, but then there's just always one way like, hey, what are your investments like? You want to get into some but then there's just always one way like hey what are your investments like you want to get

into some bitcoin he's just blasted everyone he's just thrown out a mass message to as many people as he can find there's a few people

who have ignored a few people who have just gone fuck off and then blocked us forever and some was like oh I don't know

why my friends had their account hacked and the guy was like I can give them back their account ASAP I just need them I just need had their account hacked. And the guy's like, I can give them back their account ASAP. I just need them. I just need this to do some crypto.

And the guy's like, they're two broke stand-up comics with no money. And fucking hell. Just brutal to find out what our fans think of us. Yeah, and then he's like, what was he? He's like, oh, well, I'll just ask other people for the money then. And he's like, good luck. Their fans don't have any money either. Fuck.

Yeah. Just roasting. This bloke that Nick that's saying all this stuff, just fucking who is he? All high and mighty. Yeah. We don't have any money. The fans don't have any money. Well, what about you?

I, Nick, am the only person that has any money. Yeah. I'm spending all my time on Twitter because it's a long exchange. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also he's saying, no stage does he say, I don't have any money. Everyone else has got no fucking money. Exactly.

Yeah. What do you do, Nick? Let us know. Yeah, Nick Moneybags. Sorry to hijack Atkinson's Patreon read here. Oh, yeah, Sarah Atkinson. Sorry. How much money do you think Sarah Atkinson's got?

Ooh, I mean, there are some... It feels like there's some names where you should just get an allowance. Like, for having that name, you would assume it's like there's just 10K deposited into your bank account every week without you knowing where it comes from,

knowing... At the very least, you shouldn't be going up to someone saying going past Coles and someone going oh I just need a bit of money and he goes oh sorry

sorry to hear that what's your name Sarah Atkinson yeah nah what if you this is on you now or the inverse

it's like you're the homeless guy right someone goes by can you spare a dollar and they're like sorry I can't spare any money and you're like

by the way you're like what's your name Sarah Atkinson they're like, sorry, I can't spare any money. And you're like, what's your name? They're like, Sarah Atkinson. You're like, bullshit, sweetheart. Whip the purse out. Chuck it. Come on.

Don't fucking. What do you think about this? What do you think about this? So obviously, people that are asking for money on the street, it's a different world now. As you know, you're not a cash man at all. Nope. So if you're walking past, there's no chance you're giving any money to someone. No. Zero chance at all. Never again. No. Nope. So if you're walking past, there's no chance you're giving any money to someone. No.

Zero chance at all. Never again. No. Yeah. So do homeless people have to invest in a square now? You hear about this. You actually, there's a few people that have like routines about having seen it. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like this is a thing I've heard people say is sneaking its way in. Right. Because surely you're thinking, my mentality would be, all right, I'm saving up for the square. Right. I'm sitting all the money. I thought you were going to say, if you've got money for squaring, you've got money for eating. Yeah.

You've got money for staring. Yeah. Get some food before you eat it. Yeah. I'm sitting there. I'm just, all the coins and notes that are going into the hat i'm just going sure i might want whatever no judgment here yeah maybe i want some booze maybe uh maybe i am going to spend it on a room or water or a meal what have you yep

but i'm going no once i get the square then it's on to bigger and better things right so if you're in that position have you got a long-term strategy as you're out the front of Woolworths on Glenferry Road, you got a big, you got yourself a big sign, in fact, because the big sign says, need money for Square.

And then underneath that, brackets, once I have that, once I have that, then I think it'll be easier to get card payments from people. Yeah, I'm saying you guys don't want to carry around cash

in a pandemic. So next week, I won't have to ask you for coins or anything like that yeah um i'll be able to you know we'll just be able to tap on and then and then i can build then from there it's all gravy boom if we get into a world where all homeless people have the square it's actually going to be brutal it'll be it worse than, because, you know, if they're just asking for coins and you've just got, you know, a couple of bucks or whatever in your pocket, it's like, okay, whatever. Just chuck that in.

Just chuck in a gold coin. There you go. I feel good about myself. Helped them out. But with the square payment, what's it going to be? Is it going to be holding the screen at you and you, like, putting in the amount that you want to get? Do you ever have this when you're, like, at a, like,

when you're paying on card at a restaurant or whatever and they've got the thing on the f-post where you like put in the tip that you want to give and in like a nice place it's fine but like just when a cafe does it and it's like they just have to watch you go no i got a coffee and a sandwich to go yes i'm just pushing zero zero zero zero yes that's mortifying enough but a homeless person watching you go just just put in like fucking 50 cents on the square thing and tap that yeah yeah yeah they make you fucking begging that you were still carrying and also then square it like uh uh you know billing the homeless guy they're taking a cut they're doing a dollar per transaction yeah oh well there's the homeless guy homeless guy that saves up to get the square and they think that it's just self-contained technology

and then they're like, oh, fuck, I need an iPhone. I need a tablet. Yes. So you need this big sign that says, right, it's a long-term project. Yep. Get in early with me.

Watch it. To start with, it's not a scam. You come back. Here's a date I'll have the square by. I'm really going to beg my absolute hardest. You're pitching it like it's Shark Tank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get it on the ground floor of this.

Yeah, and it's a long-term project, so you can come by and see how hard I'm begging. I'm really going to work on my begging in the next couple of weeks. So you put in five bucks now. You watch by June the 15th. You come back. I'm going to have the square. I'm going to have the iPhone.

I'll have a – the dog won't be hungry anymore. I'll have a few little – it's almost like Patreon. There will be some goals I'm working towards. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love this where it's like it is like Shark Tank, but the end result isn't like a multi-million dollar company. No. The end goal is me having a hot meal from Nando's.

Yeah, basic competence. Yeah. I've spent thousands on the gear to get myself to the point of being able to get the money for a meal. Yes, yes. Yes. If you go with me on the journey in the next month, I'm going to be able to get

enough money for a cup of coffee from 7-Eleven yeah if this said a little bit if this was like a little bit more

like it said slightly less about the plot of the homeless it'd almost be a great funny fella sketch but as it is it's sort of got

just too much of a point yeah yeah it's saying slightly too much yeah yeah yeah yeah well

Sarah Atkinson thank you for basically doing that to us. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. She's doing to us. Yeah. We're going to... Well, yeah, she's given us money. You bought a square recently.

So there you go. I bought two squares recently and I'm really close to working on how to use one of them. Yeah, fuck. Fucking, I don't know. I don't know what on how to use one of them. Yeah, fuck. Fucking, I don't know. I don't know what the fuck is going on with them. It's a pain in the ass. Why can't everyone just, I love the cash world, but it's not coming back.

I don't think it's coming back. It was well on the way out before. Not as much though. Not for you. This is a big fast forward. Yeah. This is a big fast forward. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Believe me, it wasn't. I'm, you know, I'm running, I was running shows. There was plenty of people with cash. Oh, yeah, yeah. Dramatic differences lately. Thanks, Sarah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Chris Thompson. Another fucking absolute line of length name.

What were the, oh, you probably wouldn't know this The detectives from Tintin The Thompsons Thompson Thompson More of an asterisk man than Tintin I don't think they had I don't think they had first names The Thompson twins

Right okay But one of them could have been Chris This could be one of the One of the bumbling detectives from the Tintin series. What do you... Well, look. Treat Chris, Mr. Thompson, CT, like a benefactor going past you on the way to Woolworths on Glenferry Road.

Are you training you like the fat guy there that draws architectural pictures in crayon on the ground every day for some reason. He's Patreon subscription right now. He's chucked you, whatever it is, a tenner. Yep. What are you doing with it? What are you doing with Chris's money this week? I'm saying right now.

I'm begging out the front of Woolworths. Yep. And he's given me. You've given you a tenner right now. I was about to say, that's not really near my house, but in this scenario, I'm homeless. It doesn't really matter. No.

It's not near your... I get a tenner... Nowhere near your house in that scenario. Am I... You mean, am I... Am I going straight in and buying something from the Woolies or am I holding out? Maybe.

You know, you're next door to the Woolies, but you're also very close to Oportos. So, the me being homeless thing doesn't really... Not really. The question is just

I'm on Glenferry Road. What food am I spending $10 on? Yeah. Okay. There's an Oporto on Glenferry Road? Isn't there?

Yeah. Yes. Isn't there? I'm looking it up right now. I'm sure there is. There's a Schnitz. There's a Guzman. There's a...

Is the Nando still there? Up the other end? Up the other end. Oh, it's a Gammy now, isn't it? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. There's a Domino's. Yes.

There's about to be a second branch of a sandwich shop from Carnegie that I really like called Sol's. There is too. Which is opening in the little arcade where the Lido Cinema is. You're absolutely correct because it's opening and one of my favorite Thai restaurants has closed in that arcade. Ah, right. Really, yeah.

Real shame. I went to that. There you go. Yeah, confirmed. I thought I was fucking going crazy for a second. No Porto Hawthorne. There we go. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I've been down there for a while, but I'm looking forward to Sol's opening there. Shout out to them. I did what? You know what? I've only been like once to the one in Carnegie. I met my parents there

because it's sort of halfway between my house and theirs, but it's fucking, it's too far for me to go just wanting a sandwich. But it's been down the road. I'm pretty pumped about it, I've got to say.

I was going to ask you that because I keep walking past it and thinking this is absolutely up your alley. Yeah. And I should ask you what it's like keep walking past it and thinking this is absolutely up your alley yeah i should ask you uh what it's like i bet you know about it already sniffed it out been once only been once to the carnegie one because like i said it's a fucking pain in the ass to get to is it one of these big sandwich joints one of these fancy sort of carnegie deli type things or what what's what's the what's so good about the sandwiches it's sort of a deli style i don't know it was what did i have i had like a um i had like a pastrami it's just like good fillings

lots of fillings in there nice soft bread um i think they do maybe like three or maybe four different sandwiches so it's like pretty just like lock into like some good sort of like classic deli-style sandwiches and just do them really fucking well. Right. Yeah, it was really tasty. And then I had like a custard puff kind of thing for dessert. It was good.

Yeah. I did the thing. I think I told you about this. I saw one of these. I went down a rabbit hole on social medias, and I found a sandwich joint way out where and drove for 35 minutes to get there. And then it was a big chicken sandwich, chicken sandwich and fries, it says on the menu. And then I got it and I was like, oh, where's the fries?

And they're like, oh, it's in the sandwich. And I opened it and there was literally two fries in there. Nice. Two fries. Very nice. Fuck. That's brutal. So then I had to order the separate fries, but nice sandwich. Pretty good sandwich. Yeah, it was all right. What a. Very nice. Fuck. That's brutal. So then I had to order the separate fries.

But nice sandwich. Pretty good sandwich. Yeah. It was all right. What a good new sandwich. But you know what? I justified it. I was like saying to myself, I'm not going to fucking buy the sandwich for this much.

Oh, it comes with fries. It's not too bad of a deal. There you go. It's a combo meal. Yeah, yeah. All of a sudden it's a two-piece feed. Not at all. 20 bucks for the sandwich. Then I bought fries on top of it.

Yeah, that's crazy. That's a lot. Crazy. A new sandwich place just opened up halfway between you and I that my friend has been doing some shifts at. I thought, you know what? Sunday I'll walk down, get lunch down there because they're like coffees, sandwiches.

They're like out the back of a barbershop. Okay. Yep. Sounds good. Walk down there and then I'm like right near there. And for whatever reason, I'm on Instagram and they've popped up posting something like, oh, here's our updated opening hours. We're opening Saturdays from now on.

And then I look on the thing. Not open Sundays. You're doing takeaway sandwiches and you're doing coffees. You're not going to open on Sundays? That seemed crazy to me. That's peak dine out time. Yeah. Lunchtime on a Sunday? I guess so. time yeah lunch time on a Sunday I guess so

you're fucking opening on a Monday I don't know maybe it was worse just because I was like I mean I hadn't checked but I felt like you're rolling the dice there

yeah I don't know Sunday you're selling sandwiches to people who have fucking jobs yeah Sunday not as much yeah I think i'm fucking

i'm still devastated i was like i'm still being killed by the fact that the place the bagel place in between me and you switched to no sandwiches just went to full bagel and got rid of the sandwiches off their menu i don't want any fucking bagels i wanted their sandwiches yeah you used to be able to get the bagel fillings in bread. Fuck, kill me. Fucking. I still, I'm like a fucking dog looking in a window when I go past. I still look in there magically, like thinking magically they're going to change their menu back.

And they're absolutely not going to. Well, that's where I went. That's where I ended up going when this sandwich place was closed. I went to that bagel place. It was fucking beautiful. Tell them to get fucked from me. No. Fuck. You should try this sandwich

place though have you walked past it i don't know what it is it's out the back of the yeah it's like a barber shop that's now just got it's bizarre you've got to walk through the barber shop to get there it's now just got it's like a the overhang sign saying barber and then under that they've now just added a little thing that just says with coffee and sandwiches it's like this makes you look fucking insane like someone going in this like the floor covered in hair it's like hello can i please have lunch is the is the but the only two barber shops i know of is the one on the corner uh next to that pub and that's that shit house pub yeah it's near there is it that one yeah oh really yeah it's right near there okay bulls barber or something like that oh meat meat beef beef yeah it's out the

back of beef barber really yeah that's so funny because that's shit pub next door that's just fucking permanent yeah yeah yeah um the only there's two barbers i know on bridge road which is beefs barber which i'm like why the fuck's it called beef yep but then the one up the other end it's called boof head barber yep because i remember that because every anytime my my parents I'm like, why the fuck is it called Beef? Yep. But then the one up the other end is called Boofhead Barber. Yep. Because I remember that because any time my parents are down, my dad always goes past it and goes, that looks like a good place. I'm like, why?

Because it's called Boofhead's Barber. It's pretty good. I don't mind it. I don't know if that is a good reason. Well, it's better than Beef's Barber. They're both equally not amazing. But Beef's Barber now having a uh just the assumed knowledge of like we all get this right the sandwich shop operating out the back of a uh a barber shop yeah yeah it's i agree it's like it comes back to the old when they were they were

offering free drinks in the barbers oh yeah yeah cool oh an opal open drink vessel where hair goes in yeah great but no i think the sandwich place is in its own it's in like a little back courtyard Yeah, yeah. Cool. Oh, an open drink vessel where hair goes in. Yeah. Great. But no, I think the sandwich place is in its own. It's in like a little back courtyard thing. Apparently, it's pretty good. It's like there's a cafe inside the laundromat on the way down there as well. It's like a fancy cafe inside this laundromat. It's funny that they're all on Bridge Road.

It's just cutthroat out there. It's like you've got to just ram your business wherever you can. There's about three people buying anything on Bridge Road, and everyone's going for that dollar. Yeah. If you want a cheap suit or you want a ramen and dry cleaning in the one building, Bridge Road is the place for you. If you like empty shops, it's a good place as well. Yeah, totally.

If you're after an empty shop. Yeah. Man, you know what? This is the last thing I'll say before we get into the final. I've got to go. The 11th name. Yeah, the 11th name. There's two very good businesses, two very, very good cafes or restaurants that I loved.

And just before COVID, the landlords hiked up the rent, I found out. So both of them, they both moved out. And I was like, oh, I was like saying to them, how come you're leaving? Oh, the landlord doubled the rent. I was like, fuck. And then, so they both closed down and then COVID hit straight away.

And then those places have been empty ever since. I'm like, suck shit, fuck heads. Yeah, that makes you feel good. But it was a great cafe on Glenferry Road and there was a great Italian restaurant on Bridge Road. And they're both still empty. Oh, right. Fucking nearly two years later.

Fuck. Idiots. Anyway. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Chris. Let's do one more. All right. And then, yeah, I've got to go.

It's time. All right. It's time. I've got to get the fuck out of here. Oh, okay. Why are you going to get the fuck out of here? I've got some stuff to do. Because, like, about 45 minutes ago, you said the fuck out of here. Oh, okay. Why are you going to get the fuck out of here? I've got some stuff to do. Because about 45 minutes ago, you said the schedule's wide open.

That's what you said about both of us. You made the call for me and you. Yeah, but we've been doing this for eight hours. Oh, have you? Yeah. We've done 57 names. Oh, okay. Right.

Okay. Right. So, fuck, there must have been a bigger editing session this week than there was last week. Yeah, exactly. I'm talking to Abner. Okay. You're editing out people's names out of this show. Yeah, exactly. I'm talking Dugna. Okay. You're editing out people's names out of this show.

Yeah, I didn't like the sound of them. See ya. All right. Thank you very much to the final one this week. How many? The 58th one? Whatever it was. Something along those lines.

Yeah, one of those numbers is right. Lost numbers. Lost count with all those names. Thank you very much to... Oh, this is... Oh, nice. Okay, this is a nice name. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tristan Comedy. Tristan Comedy.

Isn't that... Isn't that... Roll off the lips. Yeah. Doesn't that sound nice? I think I know what's happened there. What? When they've named the baby, they had their mouth full and they were trying to say Mr.

Comedy. Oh, okay. This is comedy. I thought it was like just a classic... Whenever I hear a name, I think, you know, we invariably think, as we've proved this week, I wonder if the person who named it was eating something at the time. And this person sounds pretty hungry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They sound like they haven't eaten anything for quite a while. Exactly. Yeah, so you know what they say, always name a baby on an empty stomach. Yes, yes. All right, well, thanks, Tristan, and thanks to everyone who supports the show,

littledumbdumbclub.com, for links to the tickets and the Patreon and all of that sort of stuff, merch we've got on there. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.