The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 560 - Lehmo & Brett Blake

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

We're finally off Zoom for one last hurrah in The Masturbatorium with LEHMO and BRETT BLAKE! We toast Tommy's last week in his Melrose Place apartment and share our favourite memories of the bottle shop near his house. Lehmo tells us about his seventh ever gig on Red Faces and we dissect every aspect of it: the judges, the cartoon drawing of him, and the feedback he got from his mates afterwards! PLUS Chando's being called up to the big leagues of regional soccer and we give a brief history of Victoria St. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Limo and Brett Blake. We have got some live dates coming up. We are in Brisbane the 7th of August. Not many tickets left for that, correct? Nearly sold out. Then we've got the 500th episode live in Melbourne at the Athenaeum the 14th of August. Once again, very few tickets left. So get onto that very, very quickly if you would like to come. It is our big, big delayed 500th episode, biggest show we've ever done. So get into that. Help us pack it out.

Get those last few tickets done. It's going to be great. And then on the 9th of October, we are in Perth for our rescheduled date. Some tickets left for that as well, but not many. So get onto it. All of that stuff, littledumbdumbclub.com. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy

this new one with guests, Limo and Brett Blake. Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow, and with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day dickhead. Oh, as Daryl Summers once said, you're back in the room. Joining us today, we have two great guests, Limo and Brett Blake. We're back baby. Fresh from New South Wales. Nothing's going on there, is it? You're all clear, mate. All clear. Nice to have the Daryl Summers intro as well. Yeah, I'm trying to revitalise interest in that show.

Reboot it. He needs, I mean, he's had a rough time recently. What, in the last 30 years? Is Daryl Summers the one from Hey Hey? Yes. What the fuck? I had to check. Who knows with all you fucking old fuckers?

You know what I mean? The youth of today are confused. The youth of today? How old are you? 34. I don't know if that's youth. I've got skate shoes on. I'm pretty cool.

I'm the youth. I am the youth. I think you're older than me, aren't you? Yes, I just realised that as well. So you have no memory of Hey Hey It's Saturday? I do, I do. I remember Pluck a Duck. I remember it all.

I just had to make sure. He was your least favourite character on it. Who was my least favourite character? No, no, I guess Daryl was So you had Plucker You had Dickie Knee Or is it you got molested in a rumpus room While it was on

And you've just blocked it all The whole show out I've blocked it all out Who was Russell Gilbert was always in the crowd Yes yes yes Now you remember I loved Hey Hey

It's coming back I did Red Faces on Hey Hey Of course The talent show The talent show It The talent show. It was about my seventh ever gig. And I, in my head, thought... You were one of the guys that did Blackface.

Oh, yeah. That's why I didn't know you were on there. Me and my friends from the Jackson John got together. I was going to say, Harry Connick Jr. is not a fan of me. And, yeah, Darryl introduced me. When he introduced me, he said... And next up, it's... He's reading off a fan of me. And yeah, Daryl introduced me. When he introduced me, he said, and next up it's, he's reading off a bit of paper. Limo. Limo.

Limo. Limo. Limo. Limo. And then of course, whoever draws the pictures draws a picture of Limo. Fifey. With an L going, the next act. Oh, yes.

Fifey's got you. Did you keep that card? No. I'd frame that. And then it was. Limo. Limo. Oh, yes. Spivey's got you. Did you keep that card? No. I'd frame that. And then it was... Limo. Limo. Oh, no.

That's what the ladies call me anyway. Yeah. That's your bourgeois cousin. For him to mispronounce that and for him to draw a picture of a limo, I don't think that's the easiest thing to draw that quickly. That's something.

Yeah. That's something. I mean, that was the best thing that happened from my whole experience. You know what he would have done? He would have drawn just two parallel lines on a card and put it past the camera. You know when he does. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like a long limo.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pretty easy to draw quick, I guess, especially if you've got an arrow pointing down at it that says limo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the text is doing a lot of the heavy lifting there.

It's just a long car, guys. It's really not that hard. Yeah. It's two centimeters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the text is doing a lot of the heavy lifting there. It's just a long car, guys. It's really not that hard. Yeah. It's two centimetres, you're there. The arrow said the next act. I think it said the next act. Oh, okay. Pointing to a limo.

So he's confident. He's confident in his ability to portray a limo. Do you reckon that's why you bombed? Was it your bad jokes or the fact that you weren't a limousine? Yeah. I think a limousine would have done better. At least it was shiny. You know what I mean?

Exactly. Had more substance. That's one redeeming feature. I had no redeeming features that night. That's great though. You just go and go I don't know about Limo

but Limo is down at the Rhino Room this weekend. He's going alright. So when you did that when you did stand up on because red faces was like a big thing

for stand up at the time, as was Hey Hey. What were the other big TV things that you could do around that era? Was it basically Red Faces and that was it? That was it. Yeah, there was nothing else. Unless you were... Fuck, that's awesome.

Seven gigs in. I mean, there was the big gig, but that had finished by then. Right. On the ABC. But it's also brutal because you're getting rated by three people. It's not like you're just doing a TV spot on Rove and they cut to Peter Helly and he's like two. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's quick as well. You're not up there for full five. No, it's because I got gonged. Look, Red let it go way too long. I should have been gonged. He's never done that before. You were trying to go, Red, can you help me out here?

This is terrible, mate. He's like winking at Red, like trying to go, Red, can you help me out here? This is terrible, mate. He was like winking at Red, like, come on, brother, help us out. It's like just such a sad moment that kept playing over and over in my head, right? When I walked out, I looked at Russell Gilbert standing between two cameras, right? Yeah. And Russell Gilbert. He was the warm-up guy. He was the warm-up guy.

It's just the nicest bloke in comedy, right? So he was looking at me with this big Russell Gilbert smile, like he really wanted me to kill. And that made me feel really good. I thought, he's on my side. And then about a minute in, I look back at Russell Gilbert again, who was like kind of averting his eyes. He's looking over his shoulder in the crowd. And you could just tell he was so uncomfortable.

And that's the one image that just kept rolling around in my head. Not even Russell Gilbert can handle the fucking look in the eye. Hanging you out to dry. And meanwhile, you're getting judged on your comedy, like at the desk by Matt Shervington and Colette or fucking whatever. I'll tell you who it was. It was Sophie Formica. Oh, wow.

Oh, one of my teenage crushes. Yes, yes. You've got a long list. Yeah, yeah. It sounds like one of your 40s crushes as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carl's 40 list is crazy. She's one of these people that was back on the scene 20 years ago

and then got married and had kids and whatever, and then the kids have grown up, gone out to work, and then she's gone, I might just pop back into TV. And she's popped up on some ads now. I'm like, Sophie, Paul Mikey, you've still got it. She's back. Yeah. Well, she gave me one out of ten.

Oh, no, she's gone again. She's gone again. And David Dixon from Indecent Obsession. Oh, there we go. Yeah, who gave me five out of ten. Good on you, David. What a couple of judges of comedy. And Red gave me zero.

Red gives you a zero. Wow. And also, to be fair, like, for all of what Red became, he's still the guitarist from Skyhook. So what a rabble of fucking comedy judges. Pretty good. An infomercial host, the bloke out of Indecent Obsession, one of the worst Australian bands of the 80s, which is a big fucking call.

So did you think Sophie for Michael was hot at the time and did that devastating one out of ten, did that kind of ruin the attraction for you? 100%. Treat him mean. Treat him mean, keep him keen. I'll blow the roof off and I might end up sleeping with her. And then you get that one, you're like, oh.

She's like a famous spunk who's standing five metres away from me and I'm just like getting lost in her eyes. And then she gives me a one. And then you go to look to Russell for backup support and he's like, no, brother. All of a sudden he's a rain man, can't make eye contact with you. And you're like, one out of ten, not a zero, there's still a chance. Well, I'm definitely not fucking red,

but maybe Sophie, I might be in with a chance here. And I'm definitely in with David Dixon. That's signed off. Oh, David Dixon, I could have partied with him that night. Hell yeah. With a five. And I got beaten. The woman who won was an elderly woman.

Should we guess what they did? Hummer. Like spoon clacking on your knee or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to go with gum leaf blowing. Oh, yeah. Some kind of pet thing. Right.

It's an elderly woman who was Paraguayan. Right. And she did a- That was her talent? She did a traditional Paraguayan dance whilst balancing a pot on her head. There we go. Yeah. There we go.

So I still actually have one mate. There used to be a few mates. Now it's just dwindled down to one who still occasionally rings me after gigs and says, how was your gig tonight? I go, yeah, it used to be a few mates, now it's just Dundu down to one, who still occasionally rings me after gigs and says, how was your gig tonight? I go, yeah, it was alright. He says, well, you're funnier than a woman with a pot in her head.

Great. I love the stacking the deck of like, the traditional dance might not get me over the line. The pot on its head bit dull. I've really got to just go for broken. And where is she now? I've never seen a woman with a pot on her head host a project.

It wasn't Will Anderson and a woman with a pot on her head on Triple A. No, it was not. Was it Gold Breakfast hosted by a woman with a pot on her head? Yeah. We don't know. It's the radio. You couldn't hear the plot. Maybe it was.

You've got to try and track her down. Do a big Red Faces, whatever year it was, reunion. Do a search. A Red Faces reunion. Yeah, of just that one episode. So it's you, Sophie Formica, Dave Dixon, Red, Pot Woman. You're like, I made it now, Sophie. What do you think?

Come on, Sophie. Give limo. Give limo a go. What if you gave tickets to those three judges to your next comedy festival show just to see if they thought you were any better than these guys? The redemption. The redemption. Knowing comedy

and how it works, you do that and you just know you're lining yourself up for a bomb. You know what I mean? Oh yeah, there's really

the margin for error is massive. Just you doing the whole hour and them in the front row and then Daryl coming out at the 59 minute mark going, so guys,

what did you think? What did you think of that? Daryl gongs me at the 59-minute mark. Is Limo going to win a holiday to the witch Sundays? Can you remember any of the gear you were doing in the spot? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, move on, guys. The details are really dried up.

I used to do it. So this is a joke I did in my stand-up at the time. Well, you hope you were doing it during your stand-up routine on TV. All news. I did a whole bunch of new. Did you really? I did a bunch of new. You actually did news.

But this is a one. When you on TV. Yes. It's my seventh gig. I had no idea. Yeah, okay. This is all making a lot more sense now. I was an accountant.

I'm with Sophie. So the joke I used to do is I was in a really small town in country South Australia called Pbinga It's so small That as you're driving to town There's a big sign that says Welcome to Pbinga I know

I says welcome to Pbinga population You But then there's another joke where I'd say I hope you did the delivery a little bit better You really rushed it I didn't really feel like I didn't believe it You know

You gotta sell it I was doing the wrong joke So you know how a lot of towns have a big thing to signify what the town's all about, like a big banana or a big ram or whatever? I like this set up. Big pineapple. I said, well, we've done the same thing in Pibinga. We've got a big fuck all.

Oh, yeah. And it took 30 council workers six weeks to put it up. That was my joke. And how'd the big fuck all gag go at 6.30 at night? Okay, so I changed Big Fuck All to, here's one of the great mishits of all time. I changed Big Fuck All to Big Stuff All, which loses all the impact of the joke.

Not a thing. So when Red gave me his score, he just wrote Stuff All. Ah, yes. Oh, damn. God, it feels like it's yesterday, Limo. Have you gotten over this? I don't know. You guys can't see it's yesterday, Limo. Have you gotten over this? I don't know. You guys can't see it's an audio platform, but he's actually crying.

I can't remember vivid details about a gig from three weeks ago, let alone this scene. But I've had gigs like that where if you die that bad, you remember. You just guard into yourself. Plus it was on television. I mean, that's the biggest audience I've ever had for a spot. Oh, yeah, right. They were getting like 3 million people watch

that show every Saturday night. Plus, it was a pre-record on a Friday night which meant I had time to fly home to Adelaide and watch it with all my friends. Oh, great. Wasn't that great? Great. And did you get any, so you got the drawing, you got limo, did you get any dicky knee, did you get

any nurse, did you get any sound effects, did you get any... I don't think, get any nurse? Did you get any sound effects? Did you get any... I don't think... I might have got a little wah-wah-wah after the go. I think I got a wah-wah-wah after the go. Oh, I think you know you got it. But you know this... That was from the crowd, not the sound effects.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Bilbo. She says he's leaving the building, people. Wah-wah-wah. No, no, no. I like it if he walks in and goes, oh, you didn't have to do the wah, wah, wah. And everyone's like, we didn't do that.

That was in your head. You heckled yourself, Chad. Yeah, you're telling yourself. But I'm such a wild optimist that when I flew home, there was still a part of me thinking, oh, actually it might come over all right. Right, yeah. The audience is might.

They'll sweeten it. When I was watching it with people, I was playing footy at the time. There was a whole footy club watching it. Oh, my God. You've hosted a party. No. You really lined yourself up here. After you bogged, you invite the footy club on.

There's still a little party. They'll add a bit of canned laughter. It'll be fine. At least a bit of me. They'll take out some of my jokes and put other ones in, you know. They'll let it fuck in instead of stuff all. They'll put cunt all in there, maybe. How many people did you have at this footy club?

Mo, it was a regular Saturday night after we played. We all went back to the same pub. Hang on, was someone in your footy club on red faces every week? And then every week they'd come round and watch you. As everybody said the night after a game, we'd go to the General Havelock Hotel in Hutt Street. But the Adelaide Uni Footy Club had 10 teams. There was fucking 300 people there.

I'm like, turn the telly on, guys. Leave us alone. That's awesome. I'll be pulling out the power. That's awesome. You've heard of wah, wah, wah, and you're still like, maybe it'll come out in the edit. And, you know, footy club people are generally pretty nice.

They're very forgiving. Yeah, very forgiving. Yeah, they've never hurt my mental health Would be awesome if they were In the edit suite They've really sweetened you up They've added just tons of laughter But then it's still like

They cut to the judges And you're getting a zero and a one It's just like What's this cunt's problem He killed So all of those people Who saw me do that For years afterwards

When I You know Was doing more and more comedy would all say are you still doing stuff all comedy yeah

but that's when it was on TV in the pub did everyone go quiet watch it and then and then go that was shit

oh really yeah totally just silence again yeah all these zeros like where did you get the pen and paper?

Yeah. Did you guys come prepared? But it was more like, what was David Dixon thinking giving you five? Yeah. We're off him. Never watching Indecent Exposure again. That was two at best, mate. Great.

That is classic, though. Like, when you're starting out, like, inevitably, like, you know, mates will see you have a bad gig. Sort of not getting that. That's part of it. You just have to bomb every now and then and then you know you start to go full time with it and you always have that friend who just remembers the bomb and they're always going to be like don't see how this is working don't see how this has gone full time for you because you're shit yeah they'll do a bit do you still do that joke where 15 years ago

I come along and saw you do a joke that got no laughter. Do you still do that one? What do you reckon? What do you reckon? I've built a career on that one.

Yeah, fuck it. Because I was an accountant, I remember specifically bumping into this guy one day in the street in Adelaide and we started chatting

and he goes, so you, are you doing, if I was where I was working now and I said well I'm not doing accounting anymore and he goes what are you doing I said I'm doing comedy and he was like he was like so fucking perplexed it was like I said I was an astronaut yeah he's like but how TV I was on the project for like two years but he's like but how what what so you're still doing like your skits and stuff? Yeah. I remember he said skits and stuff. And he was like so judgmental and like how, oh, you poor, sad human.

Then I said to him, oh, what are you doing now? Because he was no longer at the firm either. I said, what are you doing now? He goes, I'm working for the tax office. And I thought, fucking double fuck you. He's getting all judgy about me and he's working at the tax office. He's like, I'm fucking looking up how much he earns. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I'll tell you when you do comedy. What are you doing with yourself? I'm a parking inspector now. Pretty cool stuff. Pretty cool guy. I'm a professional pedophile. Professional pedophile. They keep making you babies every year.

There's got to be someone. Yeah, I did a bit of pedophilia on red faces. Red gave me a zero. I thought, I'll show you, cunt. I'm going pro with this. I'll show your kids. I feel like, yeah, you hear people who were starting comedy when Red Faces was around,

and it does sound like such a great baptism by fire kind of experience. Most comedians' experiences were pretty good on Red Faces. Like Dave Williams, for example. You guys know Dave Williams, right? From Adelaide. He won it. Oh, Adelaide, yeah. There's a few others.

Who won it? I don't think Hughsey did Red Faces. I think he was on the AA. That's the only thing he hasn't done. Bring it back. Akmal was on it. I think he's had Red Faces recently. A few times on Twitter.

Has there been a week where Husey hasn't been trending? He trends on this podcast a lot now. We're sort of a Husey fan podcast. I love it when Husey trends by association. So there was, Sam Newman said something horrific about Joe Biden after the election

last year. And then, so Sam Newman was trending, but then Husey started trending because people were going, oh, but he so Sam Newman was trending, but then Hughesy started trending because people were going, oh, but he's Sam Newman. He's just like Dave Hughes. Oh, gross. So by connection, Hughesy's trending. He'll see my association.

Hughesy would love it. Just anyone talking about him. He doesn't give a fuck. Yeah. He loves it. He loves it. Yeah. It's nice to be talked about.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, going back into your history, something happened to me the other day. I used to live, so I used to live not far away from where we are now. This is Dassault HQ. This is the last week of Dassault HQ. This is the final episode that'll be recorded in the masturbatorium. I know.

This is heartbreaking because there was the golden mile, the podcast mile between your place and my place. I could run to your place. I could walk to your place. I just thought, now I can't hear about your fucking life from the guy at the bottle shop we both go to. Oh, yeah. Oh, your mate was in here before?

Green hat. I don't give a fuck. That's why. Yeah. I think he's left, though. I haven't seen him in there for a while. There's a new guy. He's been there a while, but the guy who loved talking about fucking Blood Diamond, or which

was that weird film? Uncut Gems. Uncut Gems. Uncut Gems. He's gone. Not a bad guess. Isn't that four-hour Adam Sandler film? Yes. It gives you like a panic attack.

I enjoyed what I watched but I just had to stop. Yeah, it's intense. It's too much. But I was wearing a jumper that's like got the logo from it on it and the guy in our local bottle shop would always talk to me about the film and then he got angry when he heard me that I'd been talking about him on this but there's another guy in there who i went in and he was like are you a beer representative and i'm like i am in the sense that i'm here buying some beer to go and drink so i'm a i'm a fan of the product yeah yeah and he and he was like so you don't work

for a company and i'm like no and he's like yeah that's weird because you just dressed like someone who works for a beer company wow is that a burn or is that like it's a burn on a beer company yeah

and from a bottle shop guy too he said it with this air of like the fucking representatives are always coming in what you're wearing right now you look like a sad alcoholic what you're wearing right now I just can't imagine

what beer that would align with well this didn't happen right before the podcast. I didn't, right. But like just my general... You weren't getting a slab at 10.30am? No. No, right, right.

I mean, it was early in the day, so maybe that was part of it. You were dressed for, I think it might be called Red Lion, which is a beer in the UK that's popular with people who perhaps don't have heaps of coin. Right. And it's about 12% alcohol. Right. Oh, right. I was going to go with Heineken Zero.

Just why the fuck would you? So either end of the spectrum, either a super strong drink or something that's got no alcohol in it. But yeah, I couldn't get to the bottom of what that looked. I don't feel like I can grow enough of a beard to have the look of a beer representative. You could be Tiger Clear.

Anyway, it's an in-joke between me and Carl. He came over and brought a six-pack of the cheapest beer he could find, which was $11. What's Tiger Clear? Oh, I don't even know. I've never seen it before. Is it like their blonde, like their low-cut? You know what it was?

It was the only Thai beer that that place had in. So I bought it and got it and brought it around to your place, drank one of them and went, this is terrible. And instead of him throwing it out, he's just kept it in his fridge deliberately. So every time I come around, he shows me and goes, there's your fucking beer in here. And I'm an alcoholic and I haven't touched it. That's how bad it is. So this is the final week of the masturbatorium before you move in with your betrothed.

This is tragic. Your pool's out there. I've never been in your pool. I know. How long have you been here I've never been in your pool I know Yeah How long have you been here? Two years? Three years

I know it's three degrees Just go in the car Yeah do it I've got a couple of days This is it I've got a couple of days Maybe I'll come back Well I've got

I've got my Like my actual vacate date Isn't until like mid-July So once I'm out of here I'm still going to have the keys for a bit So we could just If it If the

Yeah If the mercury gets above About nine degrees at the moment, I reckon we're on. We're on for a swim. Feeling the sweat come on. I was jumping that pool. Has it got a touch of the Melrose Places out here, around the pool? You're the TV show Melrose Place thing.

Oh, you're saying all hotties and it's all gone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely not. Typically the week between Christmas and New Year's, it gets pretty rowdy out there because it's like all... because there's a lot of Airbnbs in the building. So there'll be a lot of just people who are coming down to party for New Year's Eve. Okay. And it really kicks off out there.

Does it turn into a real horny vibe out there? Yeah, there were these guys in there once who were so drunk on New Year's Eve at midday. And I went for a swim and I was just chatting to them and I was like, oh, what are you guys up to tonight? And they were like, yeah, I think down from Brisbane or something. And they were like, oh, we're going to this place tonight. We've got a booking. Then we're going to this club.

Then we're going to this. And I can just see this slab of Jim Beam and Coke that they've nearly finished. And I'm like, you are not making it past sundown, I don't reckon. You are probably going to fucking drown in this pool. That's in peak Brisbane as well, just day drinking Jim Beam and Coke. Yeah, just coming down to Melbourne to ultimately just do something you could do in Brisbane. They can't leave because they've got a pool. They can't walk down the street because they've all got gout.

It's just too rich. So you're going to be out of the neighbourhood. We're not too far away from Victoria Street. Yep. In Collingwood, Richmond, whatever you call it. I used to live there. I used to live near there. And so that's one of the sort of like, you know, everywhere gets gentrified.

I think that's the one famous street that hasn't been gentrified, hasn't it? Victoria Street. Smith Street's all of a sudden the coolest street in the world, apparently. Yeah. It's the fucking worst street. Oh, Smith Street. I'm not happy with what's happened to Smith Street. Smith Street, Fitzroy.

So it's trendy now. What do you think as a long-time local, what's wrong with Smith Street? I'll tell you what. And it's going to start having a Brunswick Street. They've just turned it into blocks of Lego. It's like Chadston in Collingwood now. Oh, yeah, yeah. With all these massive fucking buildings on Smith Street.

So character gone completely. And sure, it's kind of vaguely busy again. But it's just a shit street. You might as well be on Bridge Road. Collingwood used to be cool. Can't wait to move in around the corner. I'm looking forward to it. I can confirm Bridge Road is worse.

Bridge Road sucks. Man, if you want 14 different types of suit options, I highly recommend... Sandwich by Empty Shops. Sandwich by Empty Shops or some weird tobacconist or 17 wank joints. See, that's what's happening now. And Brunswick Street, Fitzroy.

Fitzroy has been one of the coolest suburbs in Melbourne from day dot, literally. And now they're doing the same shit. They're passing approvals now through council. You're pointing at Dassler. He's moved in all of a sudden. He's moving in. I'm blaming him.

Now all the beer representatives have moved in. The place has gone to the dogs. I can't wait to move into the heart of Fitzroy and just go door knocking at all the pubs on Saturday night and going, can you keep it down? I'm fucking trying to sleep. I want to just immediately become one of those cunts. Just stand in a line for a croissant

for three fucking hours like a fucking asshole or go to that shit shop that sells bespoke shovels for $300. Bespoke shovels? Yes, I want to punch the guy who owns it. Hang on, where's this? So it's Smith Street, Gertrude.

So it's near, between Smith Street and Brunswick Street is a shop that pisses me off. On Gertrude? On Gertrude Street. Sells bespoke shovels. So what?

You can get like a $300 shovel. Yeah. And you design it. You use fucking dog shit with it. You know what I mean? You design it yourself. It's all these different variations of it and you get your a $300 shovel. Yeah. And you design it. You can dog shit with it. You know what I mean? You design it yourself. It's all these different variations of it and you get your name carved on it.

Like what the fuck? Wow. For people who don't want to sell out and get the mainstream shovel. Yeah. And I walk past and I lose my mind. I was like, how has this survived a fucking pandemic? You know what I mean? Like we're at a concert home going, you know what?

I'm going to dig my way out of Melbourne, but I'm going to do it nicely. There's fucking spaghetti shops that have gone out of business. How the fuck does Shovel sell all this spaghetti? I've got to shovel the corpses out of the way from the front of my building.

I may as well look nice while I do it. You know what though, if you've ever had a... Gertrude's Catfish, isn't it? Catfish is on Gertrude, isn't it? Yeah. I know what you're talking about.

Yeah, fuck that place. But if ever you've had a shovel stolen and you try and give a description to police, it sounds like a thousand other shovels. Whereas now...

Also, it's got limoing. Shovels are 20 bucks. You're not ringing the cops for that. Just get another one of Bunnings. That shovel shop's opposite the commission flats, isn't it? Yeah, it's in the zone. Ooh, a lot of bodies getting buried, I reckon. But nicely.

I don't think any... They look, commission flat are gone. I'll get a $300 one with my name written on it. That's why I'm in the commission flats, because of my crippling shovel addiction. Worst fucking shop. So, ungentrified street, Victoria Street, Collingwood, Victoria Street, Richmond, whatever the fuck, Abbotsford, right.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I feel like they had a crack when they built the hive. Oh, there was crack, all right. Yeah, this big shopping centre that they've built that seems like it was a bit of an attempt to kind of like bring some big business quote unquote class into the area. But now it just means that all the people just kind of congregate

out the front. Yeah, exactly. This will zoom it up. This will make it really look real good. Exactly. With a fucking popper jacket and a fucking spear gun you can buy at Aldi. It's lemonade for 50 cents for two litres. No worries, that'll class up this street. Isn't there an injecting room around there somewhere?

I believe plenty of unofficial ones, that's for sure. Right. Yeah, there's multiple injecting rooms. Anything could be an injecting room if you put your mind to it. True. You've got the keys to it. A lot of outside injecting spaces here. It's got a door.

Everywhere can be an injecting room. Well, that's it. So I believe it hasn't been touched by the gentrification fairy, I don't think at all, which is nice in a way, I think. You know where you're going to get there. It's the same thing. I used to live near there like 15 years ago. And so I used to go down there and I had this white hoodie.

And in hindsight, I'm like, this is not the right thing to be wearing down there. But I had this white hoodie. And in hindsight, I'm like, this is not the right thing to be wearing down there. But I had this white hoodie and I'd go down there and there would literally be people chasing me, chasing me to sell me heroin. White hoodie, was it a KKK vibe? No, no. You know what I mean?

People were chasing me. I just had a swat sticker on my back. You should overdose, cunt. Yeah, yeah. I was carrying a burning cross and I've got this white hoodie. You've gone too far with the hoodie. Just walking down there like,

God, it's so good this hasn't been gentrified yet. I used to go down every weekend to buy bread and I'd be chased by people. Honestly, there was people who would follow me, not even following me on my side of the street, following me on the other side of the street. I'd be walking along and I'd just give it a couple of minutes and then I'd look over again and the same guy would be following me and just going, eh, eh, eh.

Give me the wink from across the street. Man, that's on, was it a white Adidas hoodie? You know what I mean? You like that. Yeah, yeah. But then you'll give it a fucking. Totally. Well, that's.

Haste train vibe. Yeah, well, exactly. You're doing the accidental, like the shoes on the power lines kind of thing. That's probably like a signal. No, totally. But we should just quickly to paint the scene of Victoria Street a little bit more for anyone outside of Melbourne. So it's not gentrified.

There's areas of it that are a bit rough, but it's also, it's like the big, it's mostly Vietnamese, right? So it's like a lot of Asian restaurants. This will explain how bad the street is. Kappa lives off it. Well, that's it. There you go. You don't know the name of it.

So there's a lot of great food down it, like a lot of great Vietnamese restaurants, but there's also, for whatever reason, just these big, big pockets of junkies that kind of congregate around the side streets and stuff. When I, every morning, because the removers company I used to work for, I had to take a truck down Victoria Street every morning to do our moves or whatever,

and I would nearly run over the same guy who was high on heroin every time with a two-ton truck. You're like, get off the fucking road! I've seen so many drug deals are these cops fucking blind or are they fucking shit

so I would because Kappa lives there I've been doing some running with Kappa so I run to Kappa's we go for a run

then we finish at Kappa's and then I run home good motivation the guy's chasing you trying to buy heroin again no totally it's like you don't want to be walking

down there at night. Yeah, yeah. Running's the mode of transport. So I went down there the other night. So 15 years ago, I used to live there, used to go there all the time, had the white hoodie on. It was like, like you said, in hindsight, it wasn't like a white Adidas one, but it was like that.

Nada. Yeah, that sort of... Fubu. Yeah, yeah. That sort of look where I was like, in hindsight, I realised, oh, I look like I'm chasing. So the other day I went down there, had the run, whatever. Empty street, completely empty street. Finished the run.

This is like 10.30 at night. A tram pulls up right next to me. I'm looking in a cafe. Tram pulls up right next to me. One guy just walks off, walks straight up to me, this far away from me and goes, hey, mate, I'm looking to get on. You got anything for me? Fantastic.

And I'm like, fuck. And I look down, I'm looking to get on. You got anything for me? Fantastic. And I'm like, fuck. And I look down. I'm dressed exactly like this. I got the – and I realize this is – you know, this is sporty again. I guess this is the sort of updated look. You're wearing a hat that you got for free from a hamburger restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All that sort of stuff.

I mean, you look like a manager of a Premier League team. You know what I mean? You don't look like – Yeah, but if you wear the the I think the sports apparel Yeah I think that's the look Yeah there's something About the sports apparel

And a bum bag Is the other one Yeah right If you see a bum bag There's also just something About winter Once you rug up You kind of look homeless

Yeah But I thought You know what At least in the 15 years I've gone from Someone trying to sell it to me Now I'm the manager Oh yeah

Well that's good Yeah yeah yeah I'm a business owner now victoria street about a year ago when we all got up for a big feed it was flooded and the the tramp like it was up to your knees and i remember i got onto a tram you walk there with no shoes on but i i went out got onto the tram there's all these you know homeless sketchy looking dudes and they all had no shoes on i was like boys great idea take your shoes off

and then I just realised I just didn't have shoes and then got off the tram walked in the bottles yeah it's not bad when you get caught in the rain in like thongs

it's like nothing can damage me here this is great I'm fucking bulletproof but then I realised I was walking down barefoot down Victoria Street

King of the Needles just with no shoes on and you can't see what you're stepping on. Yeah. Yeah, great. So I've been doing a lot of running, and I started talking to an old mate of mine that used to play soccer with me. So I used to play outdoor soccer for Daylesford Soccer Club, weirdly enough.

I believe you talked about it maybe one of the last times Limo was on. Oh, maybe, maybe. Yeah, I did too. So I was talking to a friend. My friend still plays for the same club, still plays for the same team. And every time he pops up on Facebook and we have a bit of back and forth, he's always like, you know what? Why don't you come and play?

You should come and play. Come and play. See, I don't believe this part of the story already because I've played with you. There's no way someone's asking you to come back. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, I miss getting screamed at for half an hour and being called a fuckhead. Man, calm down. I'm feeling too emotionally secure about myself.

Carl, do you mind popping in? No. Well, that's what he's saying to me. That's what he's saying to me. So he kept saying to me, and I was like, you know, I was doing a lot of running, and I was like, you know what? Maybe. So I said to him the other day, maybe., I was doing a lot of running and I was like, you know what? Maybe. So I said to the other day to him, maybe.

Then I started thinking about it. I'm, you know, because of the pandemic and I've been doing a lot of running late at night and whatever. I reckon I'm as fit as I've ever been. And I'm thinking, you know what? I played for them 20 years ago. What if I make a comeback for Dallas for the Soccer Club 20 years later from 25 and we won the we won the championship and then I come back at 45

I reckon I'll go like Remo's hey hey no one fucking cares I was gonna say this is the sort of optimism that made me think my hey hey was okay

yeah this literally is a midlife crisis I could do something that I did when I was 20 yeah Carl just going up to the like you know

the locker room or the fucking bar going, yeah, no, it's my 20-year reunion. He's like, no one fucking cares. I'm just here to get away from my wife on the weekend. I can't afford a convertible, so this is what I can do. My prediction is if you go back and play, you'll do an ankle or a hamstring Within the first Three minutes Ankle

Ankle Like so you'll go to kick And someone will just roll I say ankle Because I did an ankle Last time I played soccer Right How old were you

When you did that 23 Right Real old man injury Yeah But a calf Is like I get a calf injury

Every second time I go for a chill Yeah the last time I'm thinking, soft muscle injury. So I said to him, so he keeps saying every time, come and play, come and play. And I was like, you know what? I've been training. I'm fit. I reckon I'm fitter than I was when I was 25, like literally fitter.

And then I'm like, so I started saying back to him, okay, maybe I'm going to do this. Maybe I'm going to do this. And he's like, oh, okay. And all of a sudden it turns into, yeah, all right, you know what, I'm keen. Give me two weeks and I'm keen,

I'm going to do it. And all of a sudden he turns into, oh, yeah, there might be some room in the reserves. You can't even get

a call up to the main squad. Slightly different to what I've been copying for the last year. Yeah, man, I've been stretching. Don't worry,

you're just cutting oranges, can't you? Just place on the under 50s side. You don't bring Jordan in through the Bs. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's it. The last time I went to Dallas was about two years ago.

It was to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, into the team of the century. And then you ask Jordan or maybe Muggsy Bogues. Pippen. Pippen or Pippen? No, go on Magic Johnson. Maybe Magic Johnson Mugsy Boogs Mugsy Boogs Pippin Pippin No go on Magic Johnson Maybe Magic Johnson now Yeah Magic Johnson I think if you

I was loving the idea Of you doing this And if you do it Fully leaning in To the midlife crisis Element of it So you hire a convertible To drive up to Dayless Fitton

You're on the You're on the field You're in like a silk shirt Half undone Gold chain You bring your own boombox, you know what I mean, just so you've got a bit of music. Yeah, you've got the 20-year-old Thai girlfriend there with you.

You're just fully leaning forward. Now he's getting a boner. I reckon... Get the soccer. Yeah, you need to... I'd George Best it if I was you to give you a soccer reference. The sports car. Get the fuck out of my house.

Yeah, yeah. The whole lot. It's kind of like Pikachu. There we go. He's getting the fuck out of my mouth. Yeah, yeah. The whole lot. It's kind of like Pikachu. There we go. Yeah, now I'm in. Yeah, real famous. One of the best. All the time.

So I'm going to give it the next week and I'm going to up my training. I've literally just bought a soccer ball for the first time in fucking years.

I've got it here because I don't have a fucking bike pump. I need to pump it up somehow. I'm. I've got it here because I don't have a fucking bike pump. I need to pump it up somehow. I'm hoping I can do it. Maybe in Victoria Street there's a lot of needles. That's great. Just using the syringe, just slowly plunging air into it.

What do you mean? It cost me 400 bucks to pump it up. Fuck, this ball. I mean, I tried to kick it. The ball fell asleep. Wow, this ball's off his head. This fucking ball sold my DVD player. Fuck.

Hang on, why is Fleety sucking out of my ball? What's he doing? Fleety keeps hitting me up for a kick all the time. This ball just stole another ball. A beautiful game. This soccer ball's doing an open mic comedy course on the weekend. Will you play reserves if that's all that's on offer? Well, I don't know if I can go down and overrule the coach.

I'm not sure if I had that within myself at the moment. I know I'm the Hall of Famer. Oh, if anyone's going to do it, it's you. Listen here, cunts. I'm on the main team. Can you offer? I'm a state listener. It's Daylesford, what, like hour and a half drive?

What is hour and a half? Hour and a half. It's rural. It's a wonderful mix of a very strong gay community and the biggest fucking hill people that you have in Victoria. Yeah.

It is a real... That's a good test of how good you are. You go, week one, you play reserves and if you get the call at the weekend, the next week,

you know you've done well. Well, yeah, yeah. That's something to aim for. You go down the... Starting at the top, maybe it's just boring. If you start at the bottom, you know, the next week, you know you've done well. Well, yeah, yeah, that's something to aim for. You go down the, you know, starting at the top maybe it's just boring. You know,

if you start at the bottom, there's something to fucking You've got to work your way up. This is what you're doing, your expectation of being brought back in is exactly like, imagine a comedian

coming to you and you're going, do Spleen and if you do well at Spleen then you can do Basement and they're going, fuck that, put me on at Basement

right now. I was good at comedy 20 years ago. I've got more punchlines now than I used to. I'll give you that. That's a good metaphor because in comedy, anyone that's ever done that and was good 20 years ago, hasn't done a gig for 20 years, then they come back, they fucking suck shit.

And they're deluded as shit. That's why I'm coming down to watch you next weekend. Can we think of an example of what comedian that would best? What about someone, here's a comic who is massive and an amazing stand-up, but he hasn't done it for, I don't reckon, 25 years, 20 years. Shane Bourne comes to you and says, come on. I thought I should have been on this episode. He does a good Shane Bourne, doesn't he?

But Shane Bourne, you probably he? But Shane Bourne, you probably, because he stayed in the public eye, so people would be excited to see him even if he didn't do particularly You're right, I am

the Shane Bourne of regional soccer. You're right. He's back. You're right. We know this guy, yes. G'day, trendsetters.

Might just take a penalty here. How? Oh, what if I score and sell a right by G'day trendsetters Might just take a penalty here Yes How Oh what if I What if I score And sell a rope By going How

There we go One nil This is all coming together No one else gets the reference Besides us Yeah Yeah So I'm excited about this

I'm going to give myself The next week This rural reserves game The The The Around the field Just rammed with podcast listeners

and us just there watching. They've never seen a crowd like it. None of the podcast listeners are coming to watch sport, mate. I'll give you the hot tip. Well, if there's a podcast at halftime, maybe they'll come in. So how are Dalesford going in the comp this year? Now, where I'm going with this is if the A grade,

let's say they've played 10 games and they've won one, then whatever. Why doesn't he just play you in the A's? Yeah, right. I don't think

they're travelling You're just bumping another guy who's been training for six months. Oh, absolutely. You haven't even paid your fucking

red show. Exactly. You know what I mean? I literally bought it. I walked in and I'll take it from

you, Chad. Yeah, literally. I've talked on the show before about playing futsal, playing indoor soccer. That was a year ago.

We haven't played for more than a year. It's creeping up on 18 months. I bought a ball so I could literally touch the ball. I haven't touched a ball in fucking 18 months. You've got two weeks to get that thing pumped up and start playing. Yeah, well, that's the next thing. All right, what if he says this? I'll play you in the A's, but I'm going to start you on the bench.

I'll bring you on with 10 minutes to go. Or you can play reserves. I love this. You know what? This is the thing. Now I'm torn between Egon and realism because it's like, I remember 20 years ago, you'd watch the reserves.

It's like, what a fucking team of nuffies. But now I'm like, well, maybe I could be king of the nuffies. Yep. Man, you're going to rock up and you're going to be the shittest person in the reserves and I'm going to love it.

My aim will be to not be the shittest. I reckon I could definitely be top. There's so many little loopholes. You haven't paid your fucking insurance. There's so many. You can't just walk in and play a game. Yeah, I know. I know, but like he said,

there will be room in the reserves. Like if it's anything like it was 20 years ago, and I'm led to believe it is, like the first will be good and the resis will be still looking for players on the weekend. I like to think you've pissed everyone off at the Dalesford, and one day they're looking at the plaque of all the all-timers, like, remember that cunt?

Wouldn't it be funny if we get him down here and just hang shit on him? He was such a prick to us. Well, it's coming. It's coming because they said, the teammate, my mate, he said to me, come down this weekend. And I said, oh, look, that's too early for me. I literally haven't bought a ball yet. I can't.

Like, this is last night. I can't. It's too early. And he goes, I'm not asking you to play. I'm asking you to watch so you can know what the fuck you're doing. Yeah. I like that. Yeah, mate, rock up at 11 p.m. at night and you just get there on the oval and the sprinklers

go off. Like, got him. What a fucking moron. Two hours in the car. He said, come down and watch this game with the Vikings, Sebastopol Vikings. And it's like, the thing is, I'm like, they were our fucking deadly enemy. They were all obsessed I was gay.

And they were like, they would, every time they'd try to hit me. I know who I'm rooting for. They're all, they're funnier than you as well. Wait, they're funny and they're bang on? Funny and factual. They would hit me and then be like, if I started bleeding, they'd be like, get away from that cunt, he's got AIDS.

Oh, yes. These guys rock. You know what? I'm a Viking for life. These guys rule. Can we play with them? So I'm like, I'm not coming down that week to watch. I'm going to get fucking heckled just on the sidelines.

So give me another week. This team from 20 years ago is not going to fucking remember you. I looked up the fucking team. They've got the same players. Of course you do. They've got the same players or they've got the sons of the players that used to fucking get me.

The kids and the dads are going to bash you. I know. Let's go there with a cardboard cutout of Carl but all of us and we just hold the cardboard and we record them heckling the cardboard game and then we play it back to game.

I'm going to go over to the Viking territory and be like, alright, here's some notes. He used to wear pyjamas on stage. Just give him all this shit just to towel him up, boys. Wow, how has he got even gayer?

So that's the opposition whereas my team, so there's a guy on our team that was playing the reserves when I was playing, and then once I left, a bunch of good players left, and he went into the first and whatever. Anyway, when we went to the reunion, when we went to the Team of the Century presentation a couple of years ago,

he was always a bit niggly with me. And so he's part of the club still, part of the team. We get there, there's like a big picture of the last time that they'd won a grand final, which was our and it was like great look at the fucking and most of them were the team of the century players right and we look at everyone's looking at that and this guy sidles up to me and looks at it and goes god what a great team eh and i go yeah yeah we were really good and he goes yeah you had a couple of good seasons there didn't you to me and i go oh yeah yeah thank you i did and he goes yeah you had a couple of fucking shit ones, didn't you? To me. And I go, oh, yeah, thank you. I did. And he goes, yeah, you had a couple of fucking shit ones too, didn't you?

I'm like, fuck off. Did you have any good fucking seasons? So he's absolutely started going me right. Meanwhile, he's, so I'm coming back. I said to my mate, is that guy still fucking playing? He goes, no, he's actually retired this year. I said, all right, great. I can play in the team without having to fucking worry about that guy going in.

That's a better thing. But the thing is, his kids now play. So they said, you could actually travel down from Melbourne to Dalesford with his kids. I'm like, hang on a minute. And you know what the thing is about his kids is? He's the second generation of cuntdom towards Chandler. His kid, right? is about his kids is he's the second generation

of cuntdom towards Chandler his kid right I once banned him from spleen because he came in and got drunk and would heckle

all the acts every week him and his mates I had to fucking ban them we're hearing a very heavily one-sided argument and I know you Carl and he'd be like

this guy did this to me I'm like no no no but what did you do to deserve like you know like a generational trauma okay let's reenact and he'd be like, this guy did this to me. I'm like, no, no, no, but what did you do to deserve, you know, like a generational trauma? Okay, let's reenact what actually happened at Splane. So you'd be Carl Chandler, right? And I'll be that kid.

Fuck you. You're not getting on tonight. Your dad's a pedophile. I'll be that kid coming in to Splane. Oh, my God. Carl Chandler, hello, mate. You know, my dad used to play with my dad at Dalesford in soccer. Can you remember

Fuck off Khan And it's five bucks to get in Man I've never been more nervous I was like Improv is not my strong point I was nearly You nearly said Who am I again

Yes and But No he Man these guys I had to kick them out I had to ban them They used to come in drunk They were heckling Hughsy

Hughsy didn't fucking take it well. We had this great line-up. Hughsy's getting yelled at. This guy used to bully my dad. Let's get him. So now all of a sudden, that's my ride to fucking Dalesford every week. Yeah, just travel with him.

There's the assumption that a 45-year-old man needs a lift down there as well. Also, when did this guy have fucking kids as well? His kids can go into a pub. Is he? Oh, yeah, you're fucking old as shit. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're like 50.

You're old as shit, I forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So his kid's like 21, 22, whatever. He's going to be playing either in the same team as me. So just the lovely idea of me getting a ride with him despite me banning him. He's not allowed in my comedy venue, but I'm allowed in his car. He has to give me a lift every week. If he's giving you a lift and you're saving on the petrol money

and we're in terror of your car would you you'd have to we do know Carl Chandler I do remember getting on a train in Thailand

that cost 80 cents it took 5 hours to fucking get there surely you'd have to overturn the ban I feel like this podcast has put an end to the lift anyway

well also just go in with a secret microphone I want to hear it so look no it is a good question Well also I do it Just go in with a secret microphone I want to hear it Yeah Yeah So look No it is a good

Question I think I'll I'm happy to start on the twos I don't want to come in And swing my dick around too much Straight away Okay But so

The majority of people On this team What age are they going to be Is it mostly going to be The children of people That you Are you going to be I believe so

You're going to be Double the age of If they're the A team Of any soccer club They mostly going to be the children of people that you... You're going to be double the age of... If they're the A-team of any soccer club, they're going to be fucking 18 to 24 and here's this 48-year-old cunt swatting in going, you remember me? You know that black and white photo on the wall

that was shot in 1970 with one of those things with a fucking bulb on it that explodes? Yeah, I'll just swat in. Look at my clip of me at the Opera House on Just for Laughs. I don't even know. Hey, have you kids heard about the shocker? Pretty cool, right? I'm sorry, are you playing in long pants?

You've got knitted shorts and shit. So that's the plan. So we're recording this one on Tuesday. This weekend they wanted me to come and just – it was like a comedy room Yeah just come down and check out the place first Put some money in the J at the end I get it

I remember how soccer is I said I'm not going to make that trip I'm going to double my training at home I've bought my ball By the weekend I'll have pumped it up Why don't you run to Dalesford Then you can watch the game and get some good training Just dribbling a soccer ball

On the freeway All the way to Dalesford On the western highway Up towards Ballarat Ah fuck I missed the turn I've overshot it I'm such an idiot

I got distracted By the McDonald's On the side of the road No I'm in Castle Main Fuck That's too far Two feet Alright so that's the plan.

Two weeks time, two weekends from this episode coming out. That's my aim. I'll be playing. Funnily enough, skipping my deadly rivals. So I don't know who they're playing the next week, but I've given myself a week and a half to register, to get fit, to also find out if I... Pump up the ball.

Yeah, pump up the ball, to find out if I have football boots still. I believe I have maybe a 20-year-old pair in the boot of my car, maybe. Yep. And then after that, maybe get fit. You don't need footy boots. Just wear trainers because it doesn't get slippery in Dalesford. No, it's quite nice weather up there. You'll be fine.

Inland, very tropical. So Blanket's nearly three, walking pretty steadily now. So when you're fully in traction, she's going to be able to feed you and bathe you. That'd be good. Yeah, that'd be nice. I reckon soft tissue. Soft tissue's the thing I've got to look out for.

Oh, definitely soft tissue. Because there'll be some 18-year- old running for the ball or chasing you and that you used to being chased with your white hoodie on down victoria yeah yeah and you're just gonna it's gonna be a car for a hammy well i see the thing is i went for a run the other night with a capper and a couple of comics and stuff and uh and so that's what's lulled me into a false sense of security maybe i'm running with capper and going yeah i, I'm beating Capper. It's like, who the fuck, who am I beating really? The guy that fell off a motorbike two weeks ago with head trauma?

Yeah. Nailed it. And also you're saying he's going to make it onto the pitch. I reckon he's going to pull his hamstring in the car park. You know what I mean? Just getting out, it cramps up after an hour and a half drive. No, he'll be late because he had to call roadside assist on the side of the freeway.

Yeah, that's another thing. You've got to check your fucking car works. There's a lot of wheels here that are going to fall off. Couldn't find my car keys. Sorry, boys. I might make it for half time.

See, you're getting on now. See, after I've been in the car for an hour and a half now, when I get out, I need like five minutes to warm my body up. Yeah, right. I'm all a bit hunched over.

You might need to relocate there for two weeks. Yeah, right. You know, like elite athletes to warm my body up. I'm all a bit hunched over. You might need to relocate there for two weeks. Yeah, right. You know, like elite athletes get acclimatised. Have a little soccer bubble. The elevation's a bit different. We shouldn't encourage him. You know Carl loves any excuse to get away from his family.

No, no, no. It's important, guys. I can't get to Thailand for two weeks by myself again, but I will go to Dallas. You know how they really hooked him in? End of season trip to Thailand. Just have to play one game. That would be amazing.

Yeah, how do you think the rest of the team are going to feel like this? This fucking Johnny come lately just swanning in for one game. If I'm available on the weekend, I'm going to go down and do a couple of Vox Pops. What do you think about this, cunt? You need to sign up for the competing team. Was it the Warriors? Was it? No, the Vikings.

But they're this week. You don't know who next week is. Yeah. You know what? Since I stopped playing, Maribor joined the league. My hometown joined the league.

Wow. What if you're playing against them? I know. You fucking turncoat. I know. Go back and support your fucking local team.

I know. You'll never be allowed Back in What if I Two bonuses What if I go home And just clock someone In the head The place for Maribor

And get kicked out Of my own town My own hometown That's a true Comeback story You rock up to Fucking Dalesford They don't let you

In the team You go fuck you Go to Maribor Win the championship Because it seems like Probably you'd be On the team for Dalesford and if it is Maryborough and there's people playing who remember you, they're like, finally, an excuse to fucking let Ripley go.

They're just slide tackling him and they haven't even kicked off yet. This could be one of the great comebacks of all time. It's going to be a bloodbath. It could be. I've got a week and abacks It's gonna be a blood bar It could be I've got a week and a half To prep myself So it's not this weekend It's next weekend

So what are you What are you focusing on Training wise What's the regime gonna be I've Last couple of days I've stopped eating McDonald's Okay

Yep Oh calm down Pelé Yeah Do I need to do anything else So I've I've upped my running. The last couple of days, I'm going quicker. I'm pushing myself a bit quicker. Now I'm going to do some sprints.

I'm going to concentrate on doing a bit more sprint work. I bought the ball. Yep. He's warmed up his vocal cords. Fuck you, Khan. See, all you know of me is indoor soccer. I feel like I was more mouthey in indoor soccer than I was back then. All right.

Because when I was – you know what? And indoor everything. Yeah, yeah, indoor, outdoor. Just in general. Yeah, yeah. If there's oxygen, I'm mouthy. Brett, how would you describe Carl's skills in soccer? He's got –

For the footwork. He's good. He's got the old man vibe. You know the old man vibe that has one big dash in him but good skills and good positioning of putting the ball. And then sits in the right spots. So I'd say he's got good skills. That's a good summation, that sits in the right spots.

That's the thing where when you used to play when you were young and you'd see some old cunt, you'd go, you're not even moving, but oh, you got the ball off me. Yeah, they're always in the right spot because they want to do the least amount of impossible. And then still got the big drill kick in you. So I reckon you go, okay, but that's indoor. And you've got to remember there's going to be a lot of people sliding for your ankles, mate. Well, I remember because we used to play futsal together, indoor soccer together. You would play a bit.

Because it's a comic site. It was Greg Larson's Rat World. That's the name of the team. We haven't played for a year or so. So you would play occasionally. And you started playing before I knew you probably that well, I reckon. Yeah.

Properly. And so, like you said, I do get a little bit mouthy when we're playing. And there is a little bit of expectation. And then there was one point... I don't think I knew you that well. There was one point... Are you bringing up the...

Oh, go, go, go. There was one point where I must have yelled I knew you that well. There was one point. Are you bringing up the, oh, go, go, go. There was one point where I must have yelled at you or something and the game was still going and you come up to me and was like, listen, cunt. I remember that and I was like, no one fucking speaks to me like that.

I don't give a fuck who you think you are. I will punch your head in. But then about 30 seconds later, you come up and went, all right, all right, we're all good now. We're all good now. And I think I couldn't, I think I didn't quite hear the first time. So you were like letting me off and I was like,

fuck, what happened before? I didn't hear what the threat was before. You must have wanted to kill me about a minute ago. Yeah, I wanted to kill you. I was at a, speaking of, I was at the man with the van day drinks and I had about eight scotches under the belt, which is, I'm normally a pretty aggressive player at the best of times,

and then just turning on your own teammate. And then I remember going, fuck, I am never going to get a gig on Thursday comedy ever. But then I was like, fuck you, cunt. And then the next, that was like two days later, you're like, hey man, are you free Thursday? I was like, that's all it took. Just being a fucking cunt to him.

He's like, I respect that. Also, if Melbourne Open Mic is a listener to this all you have to do is come up and sign up for Forest Rangers

Ballarat and Sebastopol just threaten to kill him and you'll get on yeah yeah a bit of respect do you know anyone

that you could train with like beyond just the fitness in terms of the actual ball stuff do you know anyone that

Archie Thompson don't know Archie Thompson he's doing MasterChef with Dill. Right. There's your contact. Right. Yeah, interesting.

So there are like, you know, there's Blakey. Yeah, I'm not going down. No, no, in terms of training, there's a few soccer players. Maybe we have a listener who could take you under the wing. I did pride myself on my speed when I was playing 20 years ago, so I'm assuming that's been unaffected. You know what? There could be a former soccerer who listens to this podcast.

You never know. If we crowdsource some kind of training regime from a listener, someone who's like... It'd be nice to get a former professional footballer just into one training session at least. There's got to be someone out there. Or the complete opposite. Someone who's got no idea.

Surely Ned Zellick listens to this show. Maybe. Robert Zbika listens to this show. Look, I think there's other comics that play soccer that I think I can do some training with maybe in the next couple of days. We were... Ben Knight, who's a comedian,

who's a very good soccer player. Yeah, I was going to say go with Knighty he lives down the road we did a run together the other day and then at the end went oh let's just do

a sprint at the end I go easy this is where this is my forte oh you're 30 metres away from me like fuck Knighty's a fucking machine

he looks pretty fit yeah but he's fucking good on the touch with the ball as well like you don't expect it from a big dude because you're going to think they're going to tip over

But he was a little guy Used to play a lot of soccer But that did make That did give me a bit of doubt Because I prided myself On my speed And then he took off Like I was absolutely

Fucking nothing Yeah but he doesn't eat A whole pizza a day When he's pretending To go for a run And do 17 stops At McDonald's That's very fair

What position did he play By the way I played up front When I was back then That's the best part He's going in as a striker As well All the glory

Man Oh yeah I'll be at the front Cherry picking You know I don't No I'm not

I'll play where the coach puts me Oh yeah And he's like By the way I'm actually number 10 So if you just want to Take that jersey I might do that

Just to get a handle On your sort of Influence in the world of soccer in Dalesford. Right. At the European Championship. Hall of Famer, team of the century. I don't know if I brought that up before. There's another way to measure your fame. Right.

Recently at the European Championships, Ronaldo at a press conference. Did you see this? Yes. There were two Coca-Cola, the main sponsor, two bottles of Coke on the press conference desk. And he picked them up and he threw them away and then picked up a bottle of water

and said, drink water. I'll be doing the opposite. In my press conference after the game, I'll be bringing the two Changs onto the table. I was going to say,

you're going to put two Tiger Clears on there and see if they go up in price. Bring them back. Bring them back. There's heaps in Blakey's fridge if you want them, guys.

Well, Coca-Cola lost Lost 5.2 billion dollars Off their share price Really Yeah true story After that press conference What would you do To the share price Of Tiger Clear

Tiger Clear Go up by at least Five dollars You can't go down From zero What did you say It's 11 bucks For a six pack

It was I think It was something like that Fuck me It was really That's good value They're 80s prices Yeah It's $11 for a six-pack? It was, I think. Fuck me. It was really, really cheap. They're 80s prices. Yeah. It's good value because you don't want to fucking drink it. It's mostly water.

To be fair, it wasn't that great value because one of them was drunk, so that's $11 for one beer. Ultra craft beer. The rest of this cost me $90 a year in electricity because I refused to let them get warm. All right. So what's happening after this? So the diet's changing.

That's because, yeah, you're frequently turning up here and it's like, had a pizza on the way, then I got a curry, then I got two ice creams and I'm like, it's 11.30am. Exactly. Are you tempted to go with a vegan diet? Because I don't know if you guys have heard of Dave Hughes. Right. But he's on a vegan diet and he absolutely

swears by it obviously puts you in a good mental state so maybe get Hughesy to train you mate the hunger makes you angry but if you stay proud

it's good for your body I'm hangry more plant based go vegan get a bag of snakes alive vegan me this murder I reckon I'll go off the grog

I reckon I'm not going to drink Okay Until then Hey guys So sorry This is for how long? A week and a half Well

Big lifestyle change Mate I've been not drinking at home as well Because of the fucking tiger clears That's put me right off So but then we'll see From then You know like If I play And then I do a calf six minutes in,

why do I need a regime after that? Does your wife know about this plan? Well, that's the thing. I was like, I brought up to her. I thought, there's no way I'm going to get the clearance for this. And I brought up and she goes, sounds great. I was like, are you just happy to have me out of the house on a Sunday? Absolutely.

So you go down, you're going to have to, like, what day of the week is the... Sunday. So you go down on a Sunday and then come back in the same day? Yes. It's not another hemisphere. Yeah, but I mean, you're not planning to just, like, have a good game and then just, like, fucking kick on. No, I don't know how late the pubs open in Dallas, but on a Sunday.

No, but you raise a bit of good points on me, because what's going to happen? Because I know in these circumstances what happens is you go down, you play, then you drive back, and then half an end to Western Highway, you cramp up and your leg's jammed on the accelerator and you can't get it off because you're cramping like a bitch. Oh, no. It gives them an excuse to stop off at a Thai massage place as well. No, I ran a tree around a pole.

No, I'm into a drive back in the same night. Grab a tree around a pole. Yeah. Flexible trees down there. No, I thought you were going to say, you know, somehow I score on the debut, on the comeback. Fucking hell, you really did. We're all going out, boys.

It's on me. The milky bars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All of a sudden, how am I driving home? It just seems really sad either way. Either it goes great or it goes bad. It's like a gig. It's like doing a gig out in the country,

and it's like if you have a big bomb, just being in the car with your thoughts for two hours. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Maybe I might need to live from bear. You've got to drive back with those kids, your mate's kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll need something to do. Your fucking radio doesn't even work in your car. I know need something to do your fucking radio doesn't even work in your car I know Jesus Christ your fucking battery doesn't work

90% of the time what are you doing Brett not helping you can't alright well we better wrap it up there for another week on the little dum dum club

Lima and Brett Blake thank you very much for joining us thank you it's been a pleasure Lima things you'd like to plug? Well, I'm doing, for people in Adelaide,

I'm doing Breakfast Radio on SFM at the moment over there. You are zooming in from there at the moment. Yes, yes, that's right. And nice to see you. Thanks for setting up the video conference today, guys. Great connection today. Really, no lag. You went seamless.

And they came to play, AFL podcast I'm doing with Danny McGinnis. Get involved. I've got the Flat Stick podcast. So if you want to hear about Kappa's motorbike accident and all things in that hemisphere, come listen to Flat Stick. Oh, yeah, your big trip, your big motorbike trip for a week or two. Yeah, yeah. We're going on another one in about three weeks to get the bikes back.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Redemption. You've been going on a big motorbike trip to get the bikes back. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Redemption. You've been going on a big motorbike trip to get your bikes back so you're just pretending you have motorbikes

on the way up going rum, rum, rum on the highway. Yeah, it's pretty depressing. We've got to fly with all our gear. Oh, my God. Just you and Kappa

with helmets on. Yeah, yeah. And if this plane goes down we'll be sweet. All right, check all those things out, guys. Thank you very much for listening. I'll be sweet. Alright, check all those things out, guys. Thank you very much for listening. I'll be at Dalesford in a week and a half if you want to come down, not to see comedy,

just to see a magnificent comeback to professional football. There could be elements of comedy to it. Actually, will people have to buy tickets in advance for that? Absolutely not. What's the capacity there? I'm already googling Vikings registration. Get him, boys.

I hear he wears pink shoes as well. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh, Bernie's going to kick a big one in a week and a half. Yeah. Maybe. Maybe. We don't know. He's going to kick a big one in a week and a half. Yeah. Maybe.

Maybe. We don't know. He's going to pull a big one. Yeah. Tear a big one. Bernie's no spring chicken. Bernie's more of a autumn chicken. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, the leaves are turning brown. What's the genesis of that saying? Why is it better to be a chicken in spring? Is that like young chicken season? Do chickens all have the same birthday like horses? I guess it's more like spring, it's rebirth as well. Not so much the chicken within the season as it is the season itself.

The season itself. Right, right. Spring is, you know, you're feeling pretty energized. You're not sweating too much like summer. A bit more pep in your step. Yeah, it's a bit of an optimistic season. Yeah. It's no winter.

It's no winter at all. But wait, no, spring's between winter and summer. Spring's heading into summer, isn't it? Yeah, autumn is. Yes. Okay, yes. Yes. Spring, my favorite season.

Oh, your favorite? Now that I actually know what it is, my favorite time of the year. Right, right, right. Yeah, don't you think? You get that first day where it's like still kind of warm at night you sort of notice it's like oh yeah not really needing the jumper anymore yeah yeah it's all fine i don't mind any of it it's fine the only thing i really hate is fucking hot summer everything else is fine oh everyone is cold and wet here i get in trouble with my with my wife because uh i've got the the stupid farmer sort of sensibility

where it's like she hates the rain. I'm like, the rain's great. You need rain to survive. You know, she's very, very inner city. I'm like, there's no rain. There's no life. Like, that's it. It's like, and I'm like, oh, you know, the sound of the rain on the roof.

And she's like, you're not a fucking farmer. Like, you may have lived on a farm when you were a kid for fucking two years. Yeah. You never gave birth to a cow. You never fucking farmer. Like, you may have lived on a farm when you were a kid for fucking two years. Yeah. You never gave birth to a cow. You never fucking tied... Farmers all famously are getting impregnated by their livestock and giving birth to a hybrid. Well, you know, helping. You're right.

So, yeah, look, I think she puts it out like I'm impersonating a farmer. I just enjoy the rain, enjoy all of that sort of stuff. Whereas she's very purely like rain is getting in my way of doing something like well it can be annoying i like a good rain it's the getting dark at fucking 5 p.m that kills me that's i think i could cop winter a lot more if it was if it was getting dark at like you know seven eight but what's this stopping you from doing it just feels you're just in the dark all the time it just feels glum yeah but i mean it's not stopping me from doing anything

It just feels You know it's a bit like You're not outside Trying to read a book At seven o'clock at night or anything Are you Yeah but I don't know When you feel like you're in the dark

I don't know I think mentally It does change you a little bit I like the ease Of being able to get warm Like if it's cold It's fine You just go inside

Whatever Whereas where it's hot It's like fuck This is fucking killing me This is fucking pain in the ass. Go for a swim. Well, I've never been invited to. Now you're moving out.

We're a singlet and a little g-string. Now you're moving out of here. Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, famously the only pool in Melbourne. Exactly. Here in East Melbourne. The only one I have easily access to, except for, of course, the pool at my gym that I pay registration for every week.

Yes. But your one is the that I pay registration for every week. Yes. But your one is the one I'm – I really only like your one. Oh, really? Yeah. I've just been waiting for an invitation all these years. You could have let me know that you felt this way about it. My mum taught me it's better to wait until you're asked. Ah, right, right, right.

But great up. Yep. Well, now I've committed. Now I've said on the airwaves i have to do it yeah um this is it uh i'll be i'll be going out i'll be going home we're recording this around midday ish so i have to go home and and get training again if i can pump the ball up on the way home have a kick tonight something like that again the biggest hurdle is just finding a pump yeah oh look it's honestly like you know what i run. There's nothing stopping me from going on a run,

but at the moment it's like, you know, finding a needle for a fucking pump is more one of those ones where it's like, that all seems a bit hard, doesn't it? Yeah, I mean, we're near the city, going to Rebel Sport by a pump. Too far away. Not the way I'm going.

I don't think you want this. Not the way I'm going. I don't think you want this at all. No, but I'll go for a run tonight. But it's one of those things where it's like, it's inconvenient to go and get it. If there was something on the way home, there's nothing on the way anywhere between here and... Isn't there somewhere on like Glenferry Road or... No.

Bridge Road or... No, there's no sports place that's on the way. No. There's... The only sports place between here... Anywhere near is there's a Rebel Sports in Victoria Street that I went to the other day. That was a ghetto sports shop. Oh, really?

I don't think they've got... Yeah, I don't think they've got... What about Victoria Gardens? That's it. Oh, it's in Victoria Gardens? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about... Would the Kmart have like a pump?

Maybe, maybe. Look, I'm sussing out... Kappa's house might have a pump. I'm going to go past there on the way home. Okay. Yeah, so that'll be that yeah so okay I've got a week and a half

right so I've messaged my friend I've asked him about registration that's the next thing how long does registration take so I'll have to get all that fast forward if that takes three weeks

I don't know you'd like to think it's pretty quick but that's the thing. I'm only going by what it used to be like 20 years ago where it was all this

absolute rigmarole and bringing passports to games and all this sort of shit. Oh, 100 points of ID. Yeah, all that sort of shit. So it's like, I'm positive

it's all different now but in what way, I don't know. So I'll have to find out. And yeah, look. Rocking up, he's like, yeah, come down. Come come down check it out this weekend i'm like nah and then i remember remembering it's like well otherwise it's going to be just me turning up on the day in two weeks going i'm your teammate everyone everyone yeah i'm fascinated to see how they take to this the other people on the team what they make of it

look i think this the first team it would certainly be different if it's the team, what they make of it. Look, I think the first team, it would certainly be different. If it's the reserves, I think they'll take what they can get, is my assumption. Right, yeah. It's my assumption. Yeah. You can't be too fussy. If you're in the reserves already,

you've already been knocked back from the first. You can't then be like, who's this fucking cunt coming into my team that's the cunts that can't get in the first team. But someone turning up 10 minutes after you get there, I bet you'd be like that towards them. Massive chance. Massive chance. Massive chance.

Yeah, so look, it's going to be very interesting nine to 10 days or so until we figure out what's going to happen. Yeah. I just hope it's a home debut in front of the throngs of Daylesford fans instead of playing away. Oh, right, right, right. I really, I've got my fingers crossed that you're playing Maryborough. That really would be perfect.

I've got to find that out because Maryborough definitely have been playing adult leagues for years. I'm just wondering in a post-COVID, in a COVID year, whether they've still got the team or not. Whether everyone on the team died of coronavirus in the last 18 months. Well, I don't know. I don't know. You never know. Maribor was a very COVID hotspot. It was a hotspot there for a bit.

I don't think it was at all. What do you think was the closest case to Maribor? Were there any, like, regional cases when it was all kicking off around there? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. I don't think there was any Mirabar once, but... Ballarat probably

had some cases. Yeah, absolutely. Bendigo. Yeah. All places around there. Yeah, for sure. That would have been like leaving regionally

and just seeing it get closer and closer. You would have been like, fuck, stay out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, you know what? I'll follow it up. If it's if it's a mirror brother to be amazing um but yeah or clones does clones have a team no clones are too small yeah

mirror bar mirror bar i'm shocked that it has a team it has an adult yeah so that'll be that'll actually be heartbreaking if i've picked the one year where they don't have an adult team or if they yeah. Or if they... Yeah, I mean, if they do and you're playing against them, it's like, well, surely they're like the underdog. Because they're like a lot smaller than Daylesford. I don't think they are. Maryborough? Yeah.

Is Maryborough bigger than Daylesford? Well, you've been to both places. Yeah. You know what I judge places by? Their main street. And so Maryborough's main street is, I think, bigger. There's more shops. Yeah, probably longer.

You're right. But surely Daylesford would be bigger population. Well, we're about to find out, Tommy. Let's hit google.com. We're about to find out. Let's see. Population of Daylesford. And then you open another tab.

Population. Population. I think Google would have been able to figure that out. Oh, you've missed it by a long way, Tommy. Population Daylesford, 2,500. Whereas population of Mariboror, 8,000. Wow. There you go.

Never would have guessed that. They're the big dogs. Yeah. They're the big dogs. They're the big smoke. Yeah, exactly. They're the big brother. Daylesford the underdog.

We're the giant killer if we take on Maribor. Yeah. But, I mean, look, you can't really say that because Daylesford, obviously, as I've said, have got a great pedigree. They've won championships before. I don't know if I mentioned I was in the team that won the championship. Surely Dalesford have a higher percentage of lesbians. Yeah.

They've got Maryborough beat there. Sure. Sure. That's even better. Out of 2,500, probably 1,800 of them are lesbians. So there's a very small pool to choose between. Whereas Maryborough, 8,000, fuck, probably eight. And of them that are out, six.

Yeah, and 7,000 severely inbred people that can't physically do any sort of sport. So maybe it's even Stevens a little bit. Fuck, now I'm busting to know who they are actually playing first match back. I would love to know. Can you text your friend? Yeah, I did and he hasn't replied. Okay, well maybe we'll get a live update. I've messaged him twice and he hasn't replied.

But my friend is the one remaining teammate from back in the day. Ah, right. I messaged another teammate, another friend of mine, and said, I'm thinking about doing this. Are you in? And he just laughed and said, oh, I'll come to watch and laugh at you. Yeah. But that's it.

I'll absolutely not be playing. Smart guy. Well, it sounds like he'll be coming with you and Blakey. Carpooling up. Yeah. I heard a ding. Yeah, that's my wife. Does she know the roster for the games?

No, she's actually saying she's going to get a COVID test, which is interesting. Okay. Yeah. Was she at an exposure site or feeling a bit cough? Feeling a bit crook. A bit crook. That's all.

I think she's got comeback fever from off May. You're hearing it more and more. Yeah. Yeah. There's a real buzz around the place. Lines around the block at St. Vincent're hearing it more and more. Yeah, yeah. It's a real buzzer around the place. Lines around the block at St. Vincent's

at the moment. Yeah, yeah. No, no, he's left me on red asking who's on, which is not a good sign.

I'm asking who's on, who they play in the next week, when I need to register, what the details are, just left me on red there. Not super keen, not super keen to give me that, uh, to give me that.

Um, okay. So that's that. That's that. We'll find out what happens next week. Um, we've got an update. Uh, let's do a bit of, uh, uh, Talking Gibbo. Oh, Talking Gibbo. Mm.

Yep. A little bit of an update. Uh, as we've been doing the last couple of weeks, we've been talking about Belle Gibson, renowned charlatan. Yep. Renowned, um, ne'er-do-well.'ve been talking about Belle Gibson, renowned charlatan. Yep. Renowned near-do-well. Mm-hmm. Renowned bullshit artist, I believe.

She, of course- Con woman. Australia's most famous con woman. Yeah, I guess so. I wonder, yeah, who's up there? Who's number two? Oh, yeah. Don't know anyone. Yeah.

So she pretended she had cancer, wrote a book. You've ordered the book. You've ordered the book. I've got the book. Have you cooked anything yet? I haven't. No, I've been busy with moving house. But maybe celebratory first dish in the new house. Right.

We got gifted a nice new scan pan as a housewarming gift by my girlfriend's sister. And I thought, you know what would be good in this? If it was a scan pan. A scan pan, yeah. You know what would be good cooking away in this a disgusting eggplant parmigiano fucking cauliflower cheese hey that is guaranteed to repel the big c exactly that's the main thing um so so she she she lied about we've talked about she lied about having cancer she put the book out about how to be well she she she beat brain cancer with her sausage rolls or whatever the fuck she was on about. She then went to join an African church.

She said she was going to defend someone in court. A lot of bullshitting going on. Had her house raided a couple of months ago. Yeah. Yeah. We've got in the mailbag, in the Talking Gibbo mailbag, the first entry in the Talking Gibbo. First bit of correspondence. Yeah.

Mailbag. Mailbag. From Jeremy. Listener Jeremy. Listener of the show. Listen bit of correspondence. Yeah, Mailbag. From Jeremy. Listener Jeremy, listener of the show. Listener of all three shows, I believe. Okay. Little Dum Dum Club, Talking Dum Dum and Talking Gibbo. Must be pretty busy.

Yeah, a trifecta. He said, I saw Belle Gibson at Box Hill TAFE in 2019, pre-COVID, in the hairdressing school. Ooh. She's transitioned again. Yeah. So that was 2019. What kind of scam can you run in hairdressing? Well, that's the thing.

Maybe people are walking out of her hairdresser and she's going, yeah, cut your hair. She's got plastic scissors. She hasn't laid a fucking finger on them. Right. She's charging on, oh, I've cut you. I've done it again. Giving you the crew cut.

Yeah. And I've walked out. It's like, I'm still fucking Rapunzel over here. My hair's down to my knees. I wonder if this was she was thinking of becoming an African barber. Oh, right. Like the guy I went to in London who was like spraying my head with olive oil. And I was like, what the fuck is going on here?

Like he kept spraying me with this stuff. And I was like, what the fuck is this cunt doing? And then I looked at the can and it's olive oil. So what was he doing? Well, I looked at the can and it's olive oil. So what was he doing? Well, I looked it up and apparently it's like that is a thing like with like thick African hair. Right. That's like a thing that you use to, I don't know,

help cut it or whatever. Right. But I didn't know. I just saw African people in a barber. I thought, well, I want a haircut. This is when I was in London. I've been traveling for a bit. It was getting rank.

Yeah. I'm thinking, you know, whatever. I'm open mind who gives a fuck who's working in there but I didn't realise it's like no it's actually

a very different kind of haircut and this cunt has clearly never seen such thin stringy hair in his entire life he was fucking out of his element

but then I thought this is insane that I'm just getting doused in fucking oil and then I found out no that's like, no, that's a very common thing. That's obviously a common thing for thick hair. But he clearly, he just didn't know. He just does it with everyone.

He's just like, all right, well, this guy came in here. I don't really know. And I was saying, I'm like, just give me the clippers. Just put it on one and just fucking go over the whole thing. But he was like, it came out, I looked fucking ridiculous. Then I had to find another barber and beg them to just even just finish the job.

Really? Yeah, this guy was like, mate, I've got one more client coming. He's got, no, he's like, this guy's got one more client coming. I'm leaving. I can't. And then this other guy was just like,

mate, you look fucked. I'll do it for you now for free. I was about to go home. Because it's like 5 p.m. or something. He's like, I can't let you go out in the world like that. With oil all over your head. Yeah, my head's greasy. It's glistening.

I like how the guy's like, oh, I better fix you. As a hairdresser, I better just get a towel. And that's my job. That's the number one. I'll wipe the oil off. That's half the battle done. Yeah, yeah. This is like the barbershop equivalent

Of like the Hippocratic Oath It's like I have to Yeah I have to help this guy That's Yeah I'm not sure you needed A hairdresser as much as You needed a fucking

Manchester shop or something Yeah I think he's like From memory he was like Bald as well Or balding And so it's like You know a bad haircut At the best of times is bad

But when When you don't have much Going on up there It's even more devastating So he coated your head In olive oil And he gave, a bad haircut at the best of times is bad. But when you don't have much going on up there, it's even more devastating. So he coated your head in olive oil and he gave you a bad haircut. Coated my head in olive oil, was using the clippers. Like, the clippers kept breaking down. So he kept putting, like, new batteries in it

that didn't have much charge in them either. He kept changing the blade. And I kept going, like, mate, just the number one all over. Just do that. And it comes out. I kind of looked like a bald Bart Simpson where he'd given me like very short along the sides. Right. But then it left all this length at the front.

So I still had like a bit of a disgusting balding fringe. It was unreal. I should have gotten a photo of it, but I was like so frantically trying to find a barbershop before everything closed up. Before anyone saw you. Oh, I got on Google Maps, saw one down the road and just sprinted to get there before they closed. Wow. And I go in, I'm like, I'm begging you. You've got to help me.

How much did the worst haircut of all time cost you? That's a good question. I can't remember, but it was definitely too much. But the very nice thing was the guy at the second place, I went to pay at end he was like don't worry about it man oh yeah wow so very kind of charity yeah yeah wow um i wish i could remember that barbie give him a big old plug yeah but uh but yeah so maybe um maybe maybe this is a like a um merging of bells to interest maybe she'll be breaking out the olive oil that she's got left over from her cookbook days. Right. And doing a few haircuts down at the church.

At the African church. Yeah, right. Right. Just the old short back and sides and no cancer. Yep. Going into the hairdressing school and being like, I'm really not interested in all this stuff. If you can just put me into the African module, I don't want to learn about all the basics of like the fucking comb and cutting off the end of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it one of those ones where it's like, what do you want today? What do you want? What do you want today? Oh, just a bit off the top, a bit off the sides and a bit of cancer off the bowels. Yeah. If you could do that one. Yeah, no problem.

Do a snip of everything. Or just doing the African haircuts and being like, where'd you study? Oh, the extra virgin school. Wow, what if we got a haircut by Belle Gibson? Oh, fuck. Fuck. That would be amazing. I mean, I bought a razor at the start of COVID.

I've been shaving my head myself every couple of days. But I would make a grand return. I would grow it out for, I'd give it a couple of COVID. I've been shaving my head myself every couple of days, but I would make a grand return. I would grow it out for, I'd give it a couple of months. I'd grow it out, get it nice and rank just for the great woman to have a wicked way with it. That would be something else. What if you got it a bit like these hairdressers that have the beer? You get the beer.

She cooks up something from the book, gives you the haircut, and as you're eating a sconeives you the haircut. Love it. As you're eating a scone. As she's trimming your scone, you're eating a scone. Yep. Don't mind that at all. Make a request when you make the booking. This is good. Yeah, I'd be very into this. Yeah.

Well, yeah, thanks for the info, Jeremy. Yeah. If anyone else has got any info on Belle Gibson. Any courses she's studying. If anyone's got a number one, number two, number three from Belle Gibson, let us know. So they saw her, what, at the end of 2019, they said? In 2019. In 2019.

Okay. So a little while ago. I don't know how long hairdressing takes to study. And I don't really know how possible it would be to do it remotely during COVID. Doing it over Zoom. Yeah, I mean, yeah. It almost might be that she doesn't know what she's doing for the first time in her life, in her career. Hopefully, we can find out if she's out there.

If she's at a Bieber training academy somewhere, we can head long. Isn't that... For her to have that history and then think, oh, you know what, I'll just become a hairdresser and no one will talk. No one will find out. Yep. Oh, no, I'll just go into the most gossipy fucking industry of all time. Well, I'm behind them.

People won't be able to see me. She's forgetting. Oh, yeah. She's a mirror right there in front of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? I've just worked out where I think she might be, right near my new house. There's a Bieber hairdressing academy right next academy right next to an African drumming store. Oh, well.

If any place. Well. If there's going to be any place that she's drawn to. It would be crazy if she wasn't there. Makes no sense. I'm just going in there tonight. Where is she? Come on, girls.

You know who. Oh, she's next door, is she? Yeah. Has anyone here got cancer? No? Well, obviously she's hereals. You know who. Oh, she's next door, is she? Yeah. Has anyone here got cancer? No? Well, obviously she's here. Prohibition era, trying to smoke her out. Yeah.

Great stuff. Thanks, Jeremy, for the whole tip. If anyone can, anyone got any further details about. Belle Gibson, send in to Talking Gibbo, Box 6969, Comedy Town, 3169. That would be great. Yep. Or just emails. Great.

Thank you. Any other points of order? We've got those live shows that you set up at the top of the show, of course. Yes. Brisbane, by now, Brisbane might be sold out. Get on to that. That is the first week of August. The very next week is the big 500th show.

Just to wake up to people to realise that if you've got a ticket it is going to happen yep there are a few tickets left so for the people

there are plenty of people out there that are I guess just hedging their bets and just making sure that it happens first it's happening fair enough yeah

you've been fooled before but it is going to be the biggest show we've ever done it's going to be quite quite a delightful little end of spectacle

yeah the last 18 months we finally got there it's going to be fucking great so and then of course we've got so that's 14th of August

and then we've got Perth again in October and that's our that's our big live run we've got something else coming up very soon as well so we'll announce that in the next couple of weeks

but they're our shows for the rest of the year. Yep. Great stuff. So I guess we just go into the next segment of the show. Tommy. This is it. You can get on the Patreon.

You can support the show. And we very much appreciate that. And you can get two bonus episodes, I should say, every week. Little mini bonus episodes with guests. They're always a lot of fun. A lot of people really enjoying them. They've been on a real hot streak lately. Not only that, we're getting into trouble off them lately, Tommy.

If you like your boys getting into trouble, running their mouths off and saying a little bit too much from what we should have. If you're a professional snitch and you want some fodder for dobbing, then this is the place for you. If you want to listen to something that has got the Perth open mic industry up in arms

and gotten a few dobbers something to dob with, get into the last couple of episodes. We dobbed on the whole Perth industry, Perth comedy industry ourselves, ran our mouth off, said a few too many things maybe, getting into trouble now, paying for it now, getting yelled at by crazy people. So if you want to hear what made that happen, get into it and look back at the last couple of episodes. And I look for, and we're getting a lot of, we got a lot of subscriptions from Perth comedy, Perth comedians to Patreon.

So I can't wait to uh make our way around the country and dob on and rag shit on every other uh city's comedy scene and get dozens of more open mic is signing up to patreon yeah i can't wait to i can't wait to get got in the fucking car park of a chicken treat yeah yeah yeah yeah uh i can't wait to rag on the uh the adelaideide comedy industry and have someone tip one of those fucking big metal balls on my head. Yeah, just have another great day of the fucking DMs lighting up like the 4th of July. Real good.

Real fun. You got it. I didn't get it. Yeah. Bizarrely enough. Me and the guest both got it. Yeah, my gold scene copped it and I was left relatively alone. Seen as a bit of a turncoat. bizarrely enough me and one of the we and the guest both got it yeah my Goldstein copped it

and I was left relatively alone seen as a seen as a bit of a turncoat perhaps I was or you were no Goldstein

oh Goldstein yeah yeah fair enough piece of shit I would have got him too yeah how dare he but yes

you can get those episodes patreon.com slash little dumdum club for that and you also go into the draw to have your name read out and immortalized here in the Hall of Fame of Patreon subscribers. We do a different number every week. The unplanned title alternator keeps things very fair and very fresh. Look at this.

I mean, Tommy, these people pay to get their names read out and us rag on them. I mean, there was Perth Open Micers. We were doing it for free and they weren't happy. Exactly. Well, no, they did end up paying us, I guess. Normally, it's like people pay for the Patreon and then we rag them out. This was just, it went the other way.

We ragged them out and then they paid. And they paid to hear what we were saying about them. What if we just, yeah, if we just ragged out every name just randomly. The phone book. And just hope that, yeah, it'll get back to people and they'll go, fuck yeah, all right, that was really good. That deserves my $10.

Yeah. Just for the first couple of years, just going around the Aaron industry in Melbourne going, have you heard what these guys are saying about us? Yeah. That'd be great. All right. Let's kick things off.

Thank you to everyone that has subscribed but particularly these next people who have been very patiently waiting uh to be immortalized and here it is here's your here's your star on the dum-dum walk of fame it's coming up right now thank you very much the first cab off the rank patreon subscriber michelle jones i like the name michelle i i went to school with someone called michelle jones and i'm going to heavily presume Michelle Jones. I like the name Michelle. I went to school with someone called Michelle Jones. I'm going to heavily presume that this is not her. Michelle Jones, she was an artist. I went to Ballarat TAFE.

No big deal. First bit of tertiary education was Ballarat TAFE. Very prestigious. And she was in, I was doing some form of graphic design, whatever they called it. She was doing fine art, so she was one of these,

you know, arts types. Oh, yeah, yeah. But she was very cool. One of those people, very intimidated by her. Mm-hmm. Good looking girl

and very out there, very, what's out there in your mind at that time well look um wearing jeans and not a dress yeah something like that um no no very um confident okay very uh more of a performer as well okay um and like very alternative as well like know, wearing crazy clothes and stuff like that. Is that strange to have like art school ambitions but be doing it in Ballarat, not be like,

I'm going to go to the Big Smoke? Maybe a little, but having said that, the facilities at Ballarat were excellent. Oh, okay. Yeah. They were, at the time, I remember the stats were in Melbourne, you could hardly get to a computer. Ah, I see. In terms of doing graphic design. Yeah. They were, at the time, I remember the stats were in Melbourne, you could hardly get to a computer. In terms of doing graphic design, you could hardly get to a computer.

Oh, yeah. We talked about on the pod, the Aunty Donna boys went to Ballarat to study acting together. Yeah. I think they all went. So, yeah, it does have a bit of, yeah. Yeah. No, it was a pretty good place.

Having said that, I didn't really choose it because that was like literally just because, fucking, I don't know. Yeah. I applied pretty good place. Having said that, I didn't really choose it because that was like literally just because, fucking I don't know. Yeah. I applied for a place. I applied for a course where I live. I'm sure I've said this on the show before. I applied for a course and when I turned up, they basically said, yeah, it's not that sort of course.

So don't bother applying. And I'm like, I'm in the interview right now. And they're like, oh, well, I guess you could find another interview for another course. And I'm like, can I actually do that? And they're like, not really. Right. So then my mum actually made me apply for this TAFE course. Okay.

And then I was like, fuck lucky my mum actually insisted I do that. Yeah. Because that's when I got into that one. Otherwise, I would have had fucking nothing going on. Oh, right. Okay. I would have had like a nothing year. Yeah. Straight out of high school. Gap year in Maryborough. Yeah, yeah, on. Oh, right. Okay. I would have had like a nothing year. Yeah.

Straight out of high school. Gap year in Maryborough. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Living it up. Yeah. Like going to the chicken shop at whatever time I want during the day. Yeah.

All your friends have moved away. Exactly. Brutal. Exactly. Yeah. I would have gone to fucking, moved to Ballarat anyway and just worked at Pizza Haven or something.

But yeah, met her. She was doing ceramics, doing all this sort of stuff. Anyway, she came to my – I had a birthday party and she came to my birthday party and brought a porno for my birthday. For you? For a gift? Yes. Yeah.

You would have been wrapped, right? Yeah, sure. What was the – like a mag? Yeah, magazine. Great. Have you still got it? No, sadly. Very was the, what, like a mag? Yeah, magazine. Great. Yep. Have you still got it? No, sadly. Very surprising.

Sadly, sadly. Didn't, didn't, it'd be great how many moves it would have gone through. Yeah. If I'd have gone, I would have, I reckon I lived from there, I would have lived in, what, one, two, three, it would have been at least seven moves, I reckon. If I'd have packed a porno seven times. Yeah. It'd be quite a porno.

I'm trying to think, is there anything that I'm taking to my new place that will have been, that will have, you know, gone through every house with me? It's an interesting thing to think about. What have you got that you've just been clinging to this entire time? I've got a box out in my in-laws of stuff where it's like, I know I've got a big box full of stuff, but it's like, if that all went into fire, who cares, I guess, because it's been there for five years.

Okay. Yeah. I think there was like a little period there where, a tiny period where we just moved everything there and then moved it into the new house or whatever it was. Okay. So they had a little bit of stuff there. It's probably gone because my father-in-law is a compulsive neat freak.

Mm-hmm. So he notoriously with his family, he just put something down. It's like, well, that's obviously meant for the bin. Yeah. Not really. It's just my kid and it's in a pram now. No, no, no. It's in the bin.

You put it down. You don't want it anymore. Good way to be. The opposite. Yeah. Being a fucking big hoard. No, no, no. It's in the bin. You put it down. You don't want it anymore. Good way to be. The opposite. Being a fucking big hoarder. Yeah. Yeah. So thank you.

If this is the same Michelle Jones, thank you. Thanks for the porno. Thanks for the second present in the shape of money. But thank you especially for that sweet porno. Yeah.

It was quite especially good present because my birthday, it was like a little birthday party and I lived with all guys and then this good looking girl walks in and goes, happy birthday and gives me a porno. It's like, it doesn't get better than that. Yeah.

We were planning on playing Soggy Biscuit later on the party anyway. Yeah. So this has just given us a bit of inspiration. Yeah. The dream. I could imagine how that would have been the dream at like age 17. A good looking girl walks in and then what? She's got a porno.

Wow. Yeah, when you're that age and you think like, oh, a girl that likes porn? Yeah. What the fuck? But not, but like more like a girl walks in and it's like, what would you do with her? Oh, I'm not sure. Well, she's got a porno. Okay, well, I know what to do with that.

Yeah. Great. Yeah, exactly. I'll look at her, then look at the porno. Yeah. She's actually interested in you. Yeah. But you're just in your room with the porno. Yeah, yeah, yeah. look at her, then look at the porno. Yeah. She's actually interested in you. Yeah. But you're just in your room with the porno.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's been cucked by her own gift. Yeah, what do you like about her pornos? Yeah, her taste in porn. Yeah. Fuck, anyway. Great birthday. Thanks, Michelle.

One of the better birthday presents I can think of. Edging out the license plates that say Gotim. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I still appreciate driving around with the most fucked number plates. Yep, yep. Going around. Yeah. Thanks, Michelle.

Thanks, Michelle. If that is you. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Second cab off the rank. Will Lawson. Hmm. Two L's. I guess that's... That's standard. That's standard. That off the rank. Will Lawson. Two L's. I guess that's... That's standard.

That's standard. That's the default. I've been wrecked by Will Anderson. Yeah, don't pander to Will. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, Will, but you're a freak. He's the oddity, isn't he? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big old oddity. He's normalized that for my brain, but it's not. You're the odd man out. This is the real deal. Two L's. Will Lawson. I like Lawson.

Maybe it's just because it's making me think of Japan. The convenience store chain over there, Lawson's. Oh, I would never have picked that in a million years. I look at Lawson, I think of, who is it? The Henry Lawson, the Australian poet? Oh, yeah, sure. Friend of the show The Henry Lawson? The Australian poet? Oh, yeah, sure. Friend of the show, Josh Lawson. But what...

Orphan Combat's very own. What's... There's a... It's not... It's not the number one... Wouldn't be my number one choice for a name of a convenience store in Japan. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, there are other ones at Family Mart, which I believe they have in Thailand. Japan. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I mean, their other ones are Family Mart,

which I believe they have in Thailand. Yes. Yeah. What is Family Mart? Is it Japanese? I mean, they're all very funny names when you think of it. Family Mart is a hilarious name for a business. It's an entertaining name, for sure.

Well, 7-Eleven, I mean, is a funny name for a shop that does not abide by those hours at all is it meant to be when it started was that that presumably that's what it was right yes yeah but now they're all just yeah like i was surprised to find out recently i wanted to get a snack pretty late and i was surprised to find out that the one near me closes at like 9 p.m or something oh like because you sort of get used to like, you know, you go into a 7-Eleven when you're like out late. Well, the one just here. Yeah.

No, it doesn't. On Google it says it does. No. I walked past it last night at 11 o'clock at night and it was open. I walk past it all the time. Well, they've got to update their,

they've got to update their Google. Instead of looking at Google, pop your head out the window. It's just over there. Yeah, no. Hey, I'm looking them up. 7-Eleven, East Melbourne. Oh, no.

Okay. Maybe they've changed. Okay. Closes at 10.30 p.m. Interesting. Yeah, no, it's open late. I don't think they even buy that. They've gotten onto it.

They're late. They're late, boys. I'm very often tempted to go in and sometimes I do go in and get an ice cream. Obviously not the next two weeks. Obviously. Obviously. That's not what a top performing Dalesford soccer player would do. No.

Not in peak training. You don't see Usain Bolt hoeing into a paddle pop. That's it. That's what I'm going to be. Two weeks before a big race. Blowing into a paddle pop. That's it. And that's what I'm going to be.

Two weeks before a big race. That's what I'm going to be doing in the soggy ditches of fucking Dallas with running 9.6 seconds per 100 metres. That's what I'm going to be doing. Are you going to do a bit of carbo loading the day before? Right. Great idea. Big bowl of pasta. Well, I've got a fake Italian wife, so there's no reason why not.

Yep. She can make the pasta by hand. Yeah. No, there's, oh, there's actually pasta at home. I might have some when I get home today. When I did the 10K run a few years ago now, I was feeling pretty good, feeling pretty optimistic about how it was going to go. Did it with two friends.

And I hadn't seen one of my friends for the whole thing. So I thought I'd like beaten her. And then finished now, other friend finished and I was't seen one of my friends for the whole thing so I thought I'd like beaten her and then finished and our other friend finished and I was like oh yeah we're still waiting for old mate

and she's like no she finished like 10 minutes ago she's over there and she had so the race was on Sunday she had gone

Friday night she had had a huge bender and not slept and then on the Saturday all she had eaten was Hungry Jacks and KFC and she'd still fucking demolished me in the race.

I was like, that is fucking devastating. Well, Brett Blake was just here. He's currently, he didn't talk about it. He said he's training for a marathon. So he's trying to do that. And he's like showing you the times he's running and they're not very good times. But there's something fucking wrong with not very good times but he's there's something

fucking wrong with him where it's like he runs though he goes out there with no inspiration it's like oh dog shit times but like i've seen him go like i i posted once oh i'm trying to break 25 minutes for 5k and he hadn't run had been pissed the night before whatever it was he just goes out and deliberately does it just to beat me and then runs the sub 25 just for the pure thing of like showing me and going I fucking did it

and just demolished himself but at the moment because he can't hang shit on me for something he's showing me it's like oh yeah I struggle to break 30 minutes like

you just need to motivate yourself in some fucked in the head way every day is he doing Run Melbourne because I might try and do that. That's coming up relatively soon. Yes, I believe it is.

Yeah. Yeah. So he did say to me, come on, let's do the marathon. I thought, oh yeah, maybe, maybe a half marathon. But then I got this soccer idea in my head and maybe I'll just concentrate on this for the minute.

Yeah. And because by the time the half marathon, it might be a little bit hard to run with no calf muscle. Yeah, exactly. But Family Marty's Japanese. I didn't realise that. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Family Marty's Japan's second largest convenience store chain behind 7-Eleven. And Lawson's presumably... Can't think of any other ones. They're probably third, I guess. Lawson's. I would love to spend enough time over there to kind of... Because, you know it's like with any

convenience store you just like you feel like a coke there's one nearby you just pop in right like especially when you're in Japan

you're just walking around you're like oh you go in here and get a drink or whatever I'd love to spend enough time in both of them in their like you know bain marie

or whatever you want to call it like the hot food section to really become brand loyal to one or the other be one of these guys it's like look Lawson's, they're distant. But honestly, it's, you know, the most popular thing. It's never the best.

Imagine Dragons aren't the best band that's ever existed. Yeah. You know, they're just popular. Lawson's, man, if you want your actually good fried chicken from a fucking convenience store, you've got to go to Lawson's. I've never fucking heard of this place. I've looked it up.

It's a place. I can confirm it is a place. I'm more brand brand loyal to to family mart in thailand i'd have to say um but i do like that about i like that it's in thailand i like family marts in thailand because it's like a little feel like you're getting a little slice of japan even though that's not the case at all i didn't realize to be honest i thought it was like it must have been like a japanese chain i'm looking at 7-eleven going that's fucking worldwide but i'll i'll go to family To be honest, I thought it must have been like a Japanese chain. I'm looking at 7-Eleven going, that's fucking worldwide. But I'll go to Family Mart because it's like the little guy.

That's fucking nice. It's the same deal. Same fucking thing. Yep. Oh, God. Now I'm disappointed. Yeah, Lawson's. I want to go into a Lawson's now. The vibe of Lawson's is good.

I like the aesthetic. The logo is very vibey. I a Lawson's now. The vibe of Lawson's is good. I like the aesthetic. The logo is very vibey. I'm looking them up now. There's a couple in Hawaii. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Lawson's. Oh, it's American.

It started in America. Did it really? Yeah. Oh. Interesting. It originated in Ohio but exists today as a Japanese company. Ah. Well, that makes more sense than going,

Oh, yeah, a Japanese chain of stores called Lawson. Where the fuck did they get that name from? Yeah. I love their little logo is fucking cool. Yeah. What is it, like a milk bottle or something? Yeah, I think so. Milk jug.

With like a, what do you call that shape? It's like a weird, it's like a square, but it's like pushed in at the sides. Yeah. Whatever you call that. It's like a square with a girdle on. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

A very curvy square. A 36, 24, 36 square. Yeah. The sort of square I'd like to fuck. Yeah. Yeah. So, there is a presence in Ohio to this day. If we've got any listeners in Ohio, do you go to Lawson's?

What's it like? What's the difference? So they still exist only in Ohio in the States? I think it got... Is it got... Many of the former Lawson's still closed during the late 1990s. Only a few survived by the time Circle K took over the locations. So Circle K are not Lawson's still closed during the late 1990s. Only a few survived by the time Circle K took over the locations. So Circle K now, not Lawson's.

So maybe in Japan, the Drew Carey show was really big. They're seeing Lawson's in the background of some of the opening shots, and they're thinking, fuck, we've got to import this. We'll set it up as a themed Drew Carey thing, and then it just took off from there. Yeah. So, yeah. J.J. Lawson started that.

What a weird, like, to be a descendant of this guy that started J.J. Lawson. It's like, yeah, I'm the heir to the Lawson dynasty. You know, that convenience store in Japan. No, yeah, but it's like saying that. It's like, you don't really look Japanese at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Traditional Japanese name, Lawson.

Lawson. Anyway, Will Lawson, that's you. Let us know if you're any affiliation at all. It's like, for Will Lawson to go to Japan now, it's like walking around with a name like James 7-Eleven. Yep. Yeah. Which is no bad, man. HarryEleven. Yep. Yeah. Which is not a bad name.

Harry Hungry Jack. Yeah, yeah. Gary BP. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yep. That's all you. Will Lawson.

Thanks, Will. Thanks, Will. Thanks, Lawsons. Will Lawsons. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber David Bishop. Any thoughts? Any initial thoughts?

Sounds like a very boring guy. No offence. Come on. You got Bishop. That's something. Yeah. What do you think of bishops as like super fun loving? Party animal?

There's a character on Neighbours called David Bishop. Is there really? That's something. Yeah. Harold Bishop's son, I think. Okay. Yeah. Bishop, in terms of the chess piece, is...

Pretty versatile? Is it? Yeah. So it's below... It goes diagonally. You can go diagonally as many squares as you want, I think. Okay. So that's pretty good.

You can cover a fair bit of ground if you really want. Yeah. With the bishop. Yeah, okay. All right, so if you want to be a chess piece, you know, good strong case to be made that you might want to be a bishop. Freedom to move, not a bad little piece to be. You're pretty, like, tethered to the diagonal thing.

Okay. So you can't always get as far as you might want depending on where you are. But you can cover the most amount of ground of any piece, I think. Because the... Wait, what does the queen do? The king can go in any direction

but only one square. It is a very... Chess is a very odd game in terms of in hindsight and if you were recreating it now. If someone was inventing chess now and you go, I've got this great new board game. Cool. Who do you play in it? Oh, various members of the church.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Sounds shit. Yeah. Everyone's trying to kill the queen and they're being defended by a bishop. Yeah. Just a new game where you get to be someone in church.

Yeah. Doesn't sound good. And the night, the guy on the little horsey, he can go in an L shape. Horses famously always curve around when they go forward. Yeah, not a lot of, any time I've ever had any vague idea of playing chess, it's not a welcoming game. It's not a, people talk about soccer and go, oh, the offside rule, what does that mean? It's like, cunt, that is a fucking... People talk about soccer and go, oh, the offside rule. What does that mean?

It's like, cunt, that is a fucking walk in the park next to all this bullshit in chess. Why don't you learn all the fucking moves in chess? Yeah, I haven't played in ages and ages, but I still have it burned into my head what all the pieces do and how it works. But I think it's more that it's just really hard to get good at. Like, I know how to play, but if I play with anyone now

who's got half an idea, they'd fucking wipe the floor with me because I don't have any strategy. You know, that's the thing you need to get good at. It's just like I'd just be going, oh, put this fucking pawn here, I guess. Yeah. That's what someone said at my birthday party in Ballarat. Yeah.

Thank you. Feels like a long time ago we said that. Thanks, Michelle Jones. Another callback. Have you ever had a chess set? I remember getting into chess specifically because a thing that was big when I was a kid was they had a Simpsons chess set that you could get. And I saw that right in the peak of Simpsons mania.

Was Home of the King? Yes. Home of the King, March of the Queen, Bart the Pawns, Lisa the Bishop, Grandpa the Knight. And who's the castle? That's the other dumb thing. You move it a castle around this board. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's never struck me.

It's never got me in. One of those things where it's like like it's almost a little bit like wine where like I don't understand wine but I've got that temptation like I'd like to whereas chess I can't even get that far I don't think

I want to know anything about it not doesn't draw me in there's some old games that are pretty pretty fun that have their that are a lot easier

to get hooked in on you know what the difference is I think if I live near a park that had a lot of chess boards that's a good point if i could walk across if i could make it my thing it's like you know what every morning i'm gonna get up i'm gonna have my coffee i'm gonna play a game of chess with a stranger and then i'm gonna go home and start work if i could if i could guarantee to walk in a park and shit on an old man it's something they thought they were good at yeah all right i'm in Shit on an old man or get the floor mopped with me by an eight-year-old.

I don't think there'd be any in between. I think there's more sort of parallels with what I'm about to do in Dalesford with this as well. But yeah,

that'd be something. I mean, when you see things that's said in New York and that's going on, that always makes me a bit jealous. Yeah.

It does seem a bit dodgy though. Cool vibe, potentially bit jealous. Yeah. It does seem a bit dodgy though. Cool vibe. Potentially. Yeah. Yeah. Who is this guy? David Bishop. Yeah. Okay.

Well, he's been tethered to chess all of his life. So he's just copped a little bit more now. Bit of a shame. Yeah. Sorry, Bisho. You copped it again. Yeah. Thanks, David.

Thanks, Dave. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Here we go. Thank you to Peter Sordzukas. Peter Sordzukas. T-Z-O-R-T-Z-O-U-K-A-S. Sotsoukas. Sotsoukas.

Yeah. Is that right? Yeah, that's right. Peter Sotsoukas. Peter Sotsoukas. I feel like with these kinds of names, the trick is you just got to say them really fast. Yeah. You get a couple of the general sounds in there and you just race through it.

Yeah, yeah. Sotsoukas. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, like comedy. Just be confident. Delivery. Speak very quick. Yeah.

Talk like you know what you're talking about and all of a sudden, oh, I guess that's funny. He seems confident about it. Yeah, we've butchered it, but he's just listening going like, yeah, no, they've nailed it. Yeah, it's better than what I usually get. Yep. The old TZ.

What's going on there? Having two TZs in one name yeah it's and of course obviously it's

Greek connotations yep yeah they're the inventors of the great one of our favourite art forms

the great men yeah anal sex do you think that's a do you think that's – is this something – we'd have Greek listeners. Is there some sort of pressure on – Well, let's not go crazy. Is there some sort of pressure growing up Greek? Is there some point where it's like, come on, have you tried anal yet?

It's a tradition. Yeah, you've got to honour your ancestors. Yeah. It's what we do. I had two really good friends growing up who were and continue to be Greek. They haven't renounced it. Were and continue to practice anal sex. One of them I'm still friends with.

Oh, what happened to the other one? It just drifted apart. Oh, fell out over anal sex. Fell out over anal sex, yeah. But it's funny because one of them was very into his rich Greek heritage. Very much like, you've got to be proud to be a Greek. And this is when all the stuff is in the news about, like, Greece is basically fucking bankrupt and all this stuff.

And he's like, nah, you've got to be proud to be Greek. Whereas my other friend was just like, yeah, whatever. You is like basically fucking bankrupt and all this stuff. And he's like, nah, you got to be proud to be Greek. Whereas my other friend was just like, yeah, whatever, you know, it is what it is. Love my family and stuff, but I,

you know, couldn't really care one way or the other. Yeah. What, what background I'm from, like, it's fine. Yeah.

And the other guy was like off him. Like they kind of started to drift apart. Cause he was always like, he's not honoring his Greek heritage. And then one time we were out and the other guy was like kind of dunking on greece going god they really fucked it with the euro and everything and like it's fucked over there at the moment like fucking greeks you know we're so lazy and all this stuff and the and the really proud greek guy just went ballistic and wouldn't talk to him for weeks because he's like it's a fucking disgrace what

he's saying about greece must be that thing where, you know, I think traditionally you get a bit more patriotic when you're overseas. Yes. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just people living here with that heritage and continually being a bit like, like I think I'd be,

if I moved overseas, I think I'd think more fondly of Australia than I do right now. Yeah, you'd miss it and stuff. But yeah, like the person, well, yeah, I mean, it's, I wonder, that's kind of true in any country, right? Like the person whose family is from that country sitting there going, how fucking good's Australia? It's just like, you're a cunt.

It would be, what a nightmare it would be if I somehow, somehow the dream came true all of a sudden i was living in thailand but i was living in some fucking some little fucking shed and just had a big australia flag yeah yeah you probably would you'd you'd like miss it you'd talk to people over in thailand once the sheen wore off and then it's like you just crave anything that's different so you'd be talking to people in thailand about australia like you talk about thailand now yeah you know what i'd be doing can't wait to get back the places though you know when i go over there now and i and there's like a an aussie bar and you go fuck that place and all yeah i'm over there for like six months all of a sudden i'm a regular

crying regular down yeah southern cross bar yeah down buying a fucking 25 steak yeah they're having a two dollar curry going to their weekly night where they show like old episodes of Home and Away. Yeah. Fuck. Doing NRL trivia nights. I never even liked NRL when I was fucking here. Yep. Yep.

Jesus Christ. Yep. The dream. The dream, the nightmare. That doesn't get us any closer to dealing with this last name there. Sotsoukas. Sots last name. Sotsoukas. Sotsoukas. Sotsoukas.

Well, I wonder, yeah, I wonder how proud of the heritage. How out and proud he is. How zortzy he is. Yeah. The old TZ. What is the point? What the fuck's that T doing? They haven't got a laugh there.

That's adding nothing to how you're saying it. Maybe like, I don't know, maybe in Greek it's a bit more, like there is more of a pronounced difference. Yeah, I doubt it. It looks cool though, I'll give it that. They're kidding themselves. Yeah, yeah. It stands out.

It's eye-catching. It's fun to have a bit of a look at. Yeah. But, you know. A lot of angles there. When it comes down to me having to fucking say it out loud, just trying to make me look like a fucking fool over here.

Because we don't tend to really get, I think we've requested this before, but we don't really get people attaching like the phonetic breakdown of it ever do. I thought you were going to say we haven't officially requested no ethnic people subscribe. Yeah, we haven't. I swear we could have said that. Yeah. Maybe it was on a bonus set, but I feel like I have a very vivid memory of saying no Greeks. Yes.

Give us your money and two syllables maximum per surname. Yes. Yeah. No Zs. No Xs even. Yeah. Oh, Xs. Yeah.

Don't be making us fuck around with that. You know, just give us a little bit of an angle in there somewhere. You know, a bit of a funny name would be great. I mean, we're working hard on the app. We don't need to sit here and fucking have sweat on the brow just from trying to read some cunt surname. Yeah. For God's sakes. Yeah.

Yeah. Think of us. surname. Yeah. For God's sakes. Yeah. Yeah. Think of us. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we're proud of our heritage of comedy, of not working too hard

at this end of the show. Yeah, exactly. If you can help us out. Oh, you know what? You know what I'd love from now on if people gave us their middle name

just as the option. So it's like, okay, we've got nothing to play with. You weren't particularly into David Bishop. I feel like every time that does happen, you're like, look at this cunt putting his middle name in.

Well, there you go. There's an angle. Happy to do that every time. Yep. Yep. There's a Greek dish, isn't there? Tzatziki. Is that it?

It's got the same deal? TZs? Yeah. Yeah. Is that it? Greek dish. Yeah, isn't it? What is it?

Is it? Yeah. Okay, well, I? Great dish. Yeah, isn't it? What is it? Is it? Yeah. Okay, well, I don't know. I haven't had it. I mean, maybe some people are sitting down and just hoeing into a big fucking bowl of soup. Yeah. Yeah.

What's it called again? Zatziki. Zatziki. Is it TZ? Is it spelled like that? Yeah. T-Z-A-T. I think it's double TZs.

Well, there you go. And how did you pronounce it? Zatziki. Well, that's how we should how did you pronounce it? Tzatziki. Well, that's how we should be pronouncing this bloke. Tzatzikis. Tzatzikis. That is what we were saying, isn't it? I don't think as much as well as you were doing.

Tzatzikis. That's not what we were saying before. Oh, isn't it? I don't think so. Anyway, that sounds good. Say it again. Tzatzikis. Tzatzikis.

Yeah. Yeah, okay. All right. I'm crying. I'm enjoying it now. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All right. I'm crying. I'm enjoying it now. Yeah. I was never not enjoying it. I was a bit scared.

I was a bit xenophobic about this name. And spelling xenophobic, TZ. A bit xenophobic. Yeah. Now I'm with it. Now I'm with it. I love a good tzatziki. Fucking delicious.

I don't. Delicious, mate. No, no. We went to go out to have Greek food the other night and then my wife got sick and we didn't go. Oh, yeah. Where were you going to go? Jim's Greek Tavern. Uh-oh.

Oh, you've got a little video on you. Yeah, I've got a video now. You can see there's a guy in high-vis ringing your doorbell. Yeah. What are you going to do here? Nothing? Well, I guess just ignore it. We're right near the end, right? Yeah, okay. Yeah. He's got a package there. He's just going to leave it there? Yeah, What are you going to do here? Nothing? Well, I guess just ignore it. We're right near the end, right?

Yeah, okay. Yeah. He's got a package there. He can just leave it. He's just going to leave it there? He's just going to leave it. Okay. Half the time,

this is the annoying thing. I get buzzed. I answer it. I go, I'll be right down. By the time I go down, he's just fucked off and left it at the door anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So the ringing of the bell adds literally nothing to the relationship. But it is funny that we can just sit and watch him. He's pretty keen. Yeah. I think he's going to hit it again. No we can just sit and watch him. He's pretty keen. Yeah. I think he's going to hit it again.

No, I don't reckon he is. He ain't got time for that. Yeah, fair enough. I caught one of them this morning with the ball. I got the ball delivered. Oh, yeah. I was getting the email. I was getting all the updates.

It was all like, get ready. It's coming. It's on its way. I'm like, fucking hell. I've never had this much correspondence with anyone. Yeah. Oh, it's been put in the bag. It's left the building. It's in a fucking bike now some cunt's got it fucking going down um punt road okay great yeah then you get it and then he hits the doorbell it's like great and then

then he's fucking gone you go to pick it up it's gone and then you get an email saying oh you thank you for signing off on i didn't fucking sign off on anything oh yeah yeah that's funny for something the size of a ball where it's like, it really does not matter if it just goes to the post office. Like, I've ordered a chair to my new address, and that's big enough that it's like, if they knock and I'm not there, fuck knows what happens to this chair.

Because there's no way they're taking it to the post office. It's going to come on a big truck. I'm going to need to be there to get it. And I feel like on that day, I'll be getting calls on the half hour'm gonna need to be there to get it and i i feel like on that day i'll be getting calls on the half hour to make sure i'm there to pick it up yeah because if they got there and i'm not there and they've just got to fucking i don't know drive it back to the depot or whatever yeah they will be filthy yeah but um yeah zazoukas yeah i wonder if um so first name Peter, again, my Greek friend growing up, the not very Greek one, his birth name was Panagiotis

and his parents always just called him Peter because it's easier. And then he ended up going and legally changing his name because he'd fill out forms and just say Peter, but on his driver's license and ID and stuff it was Panagiotis and it just ended up getting all just messy. So he went and legally changed it to Peter. And he was like, God, if this other guy finds out about this,

that will be the fucking final straw. Absolutely. And also his grandparents, he's like named after his grandpa. He had to like go in secret and like keep it this big like covert thing. And then like make sure neither one of those people

ever sees his driver's license that now just has Peter on it. So I wonder if this is the same deal. I wonder if we were talking about a panayotis zatsoukas. Well, speaking of Greek people, this is your last week in the same building as Nick Giannopoulos. I know. And it's felt like the clock is ticking, but it's been even harder to get anything to happen because he's been out on location.

I think maybe you should leave him a note to say goodbye. Yeah. Put him a note in the letterbox. I got a heads up that my friend thought they'd gone past a filming location of Wog Boys Forever the other day because, let me try and find this text. because, let me try and find this text, they saw this in Carlton, an old car with the license plate Malacca and like a traffic cone near it. He was like, yeah, there was like a lot of commotion

that made it look like filming. I couldn't see the great man, but you have to assume that it's for Wogboys Forever or at the very least a Wogboy adjacent production. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think you should leave him a note. Just thank him for the content or thank him for, I don't know.

End of an era. It's sad. I mean, I'm going to have the keys to this place for a little while yet, as I mentioned on the app, like another three weeks or something. What if I come by and have a swim in the pool? Have a swim and then we get Geonopolis in here and we just record on the floor of an empty apartment. Or in the pool.

Have a drink with him in the pool. Yep. Yep. He keeps coming up. I like Essendon Football Club on Facebook, as in my team in the AFL. Yep. He keeps coming up. I like Essendon Football Club on Facebook, as in my team in the AFL. Yep. And just every time they pop up with some sort of update,

the top response is always Nick Giannopoulos. Really? Going on, go, go, go, go the Bombers Farkin. Oh, great. Yeah. With 1 million likes on it. Yeah, it's like, you know, like I said at the start of COVID,

he was like sharing all this, like, you know, wear a mask, don't be a malacca. Here's the rules of what you can and can't do. It's like, you know, like I said at the start of COVID, he was like sharing all this like, you know, wear a mask, don't be a malacca, here's the rules of what you can and can't do. Yeah. It's like, this is pretty endearing, I've got to say. Coming off better than Hughsy. I never would have thought that that would be the case.

You know, I really would have thought. I would have picked him for an anti-mask. Yeah, big time. Yeah. Anyway, thanks, Peter. Thanks, Peter. Thanks, Panayotis. I've got to get back to my training regime

yep so let's just do one more I've got to pick up my go to the mail room and get my fully inflated soccer ball that I ordered oh wow

is that what you got yep that's what you think that is yep I should have ordered one of them I don't know why I ticked the box that said half inflated

yeah anyway alright one more let's do this last one. Last one for this week. One, two, three, four. Fifth one this week. Okay.

Thank you very much. Fifth Patreon subscriber for this week. Oh, okay. All right. I'm going to have to see if I can pronounce this right. All right.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Mr. Tits Comedy. Greek listener, I think. Second one in a row. Woppa! Thanks everyone for subscribing and supporting the show

and thank you for listening. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com. We've got tickets to the live shows coming up. We've got the merch, all that kind of stuff going on. Yeah, thanks a lot and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates.