The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 561 - Peter Helliar & Nazeem Hussain

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

What better way to christen Tommy's new house than with superstar guests PETER HELLIAR and NAZEEM HUSSAIN! After a late start because neither of the guests could locate the new Masturbatorium, we delve deeper into Tommy's new fake marriage and we have an exclusive scoop on a recent marriage involving one of the guests! Which one of them could it be!!?? There's also a Dogpiss-gate update and more on the unfolding saga of Chando's attempted return to the soccer field. It's a huge bumper episode so drink it up! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests Peter Hellyer and Nazeem Hussain. We have a few live dates to tell you about before we get into the episode. You can come and see us August the 7th. We are going to be in Brisbane for our big yearly show up there. It's nearly sold out. Then August the 14th, we are at the Athenaeum Theatre in Melbourne doing our big 500th episode. Couple of tickets left. Finally, get on board of that. It's not too far away and it's going to happen. So fill up that little thing.

Not too many tickets left. It is the biggest show we've ever done. Yep. And then October the 9th, we are going to be back in Perth for our rescheduled date. If you have your original tickets from that, they are still valid, but there are still some tickets left as well. So get in there and check us out.

And then we also have a new date that we are announcing right now. We are doing the Little Dum Dum Club as part of the Great Australian Podcast Festival. We are on November the 6th at the Palais Theatre. Whoa, massive. That's going to be the next biggest thing we've ever done. So, yeah, big podcast festival. Exciting. We do a show.

Heaps of other podcasts. Get involved. Heaps of people you'd love, like Will Anderson with Toe Pop and Charlie Clawson. There's Ursula Carlson's doing her pod. Cody and Heggie with Mid-Flight Brawl. Do go on. Heaps of friends of the show doing their own podcast. And it's going to be the biggest podcast festival since a certain place in Samui.

Yes, exactly. And we'll be right near the St Kilda Beach, which arguably as beautiful as the beaches in Koh Samui. And if we don't book our guests like we did in Sydney, we could obviously always get a fleety hanging around the streets there, I'd say. Yep, fleety and the mad mouse joining us on stage there. So, yeah, get on to all that stuff. LittleDumbDumbClub.com will have all the ticket links that you need. We will be back to talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb.

But until then, enjoy this great new one with Peter Hellyer and Nazeem Hussain. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Oh, g'day, dickhead.

Joining us today, two very special guests. They've had the little compass out. They're here. The Burke and Wills of podcasting. Please welcome back into the little Dumb Dumb Club, Peter Hellyer and Nazeem Hussain. Hello. Yes.

Good to be here finally. Yes. We've moved houses apparently. So this is the first episode that's happening in my new house. Have you been to his old house? Yes, I've been to the old house. This is a step up. Remember there was a toilet attached to his bed?

It was one of the worst. It's an en suite. It's a slight upgrade. It's not a bedpan. It's an en suite. A bedpan is the ultimate en suite. I didn't know about that. That's why I took a shit in the sink.

His bed was an extension of a toilet. It was made of ceramic. But this is an upgrade. There's no bed in here. You got a bed coming? Or this is it? This isn't a bedroom. This isn't his bedroom.

No. Whoa, this is... What the hell's going on? This is a podcasting studio. Built into the new house. He's moved out into the outer suburbs of Melbourne, Broadmeadows. The outer suburbs. You own 10 houses in Zone 3.

How do you regard Fitzroy as an outer suburb? He was positioning himself, Tommy, as this struggling guy. He couldn't afford a big place. But he was living in the middle of Melbourne, like this really expensive suburb. But now he's moved out. What, 45km from the city? Yeah.

I love Caroline Springs. The man-made lake. Yeah, it's a House and Land and Podcast Studio package that I picked up for a real song. But then, you know, plastic cups are a nice touch here. Yeah, thank you. We haven't moved in All the kitchen stuff yet But I thought

You know you You moved in the tables If I don't provide Some sort of beverage for you Upon arrival Especially because You'd be extra past Considering you always

Take 45 minutes To fucking get here For some reason Okay That was just I don't know Pete Lee was here Later as well wasn't he

Yes I arrived minutes before you It's just This new estate Is difficult to find And I didn't even know you'd moved. Like your messaging was confusing. You wrote, hey, Nazeem.

You said this is it. Yesterday at 7.40. Hey, buddy, I want to do a podcast tomorrow. We're on for 10 a.m., I believe. I'm thinking of moving houses this weekend. Hang on. Hang on. What?

So I was like, oh, that's good luck. I said good luck to that. I'm thinking. What is this? I don't know why you included that. And then he chucked in some address. I'm like, all right, let me check it out for you, give you an appraisal. So there was no address given, so you just traced it.

He gave me the wrong address. He dropped a digit and everything. If I read a report of you like a Me Too style thing for being an ultimate gaslighter, I'm going to buy in. I'm going to believe it. This is sensational work. But, yeah, I sent the address to Pete and Nazeem. I got a new address, you know, moved house.

Both late. Here we go, boys. And you've both got lost, which I didn't think I could be more clearer in the texting. But the evidence shows that I've done something wrong. You're victim blaming here. I got the same text. I'm here.

That's it? Nice and early something wrong. Are you victim blaming here? I've got the same text. I'm here. That's it? One minute early. Yep. One minute early. I mean, my map sent me on the other side of the biggest road in Caroline Springs. Don't have two streets of the same name. Don't have two Daslo streets in Caroline Street. Well, they've named it

after their most famous resident. That's what we're doing here. We need two days and they've already named it for me. It's only one sign. One street called Daslo is confusing enough.

What about two? No, it used to be Orsop Street. I moved in. I'm like, we're fucking changing that. Right, right. So what made you move?

You just... I'm living with my girlfriend. I mean, with my wife. Oh, really? Yeah. Congratulations. He what made you move? You just... I'm living with my girlfriend. I mean, with my wife. In separate... Oh, really? Yeah. Congratulations. He's made the big commitment.

Well done. Are you married now? No. According to our real estate agent, in order to get this house, yes, we're married. Why couldn't you just say long-term girlfriend or something? We thought, you know, wife seems like less of a flight risk, you know? And just in case... You know when the real estate agents will come in and do a less of a flight risk you know and did you and just in case you know when the

like real estate agents will come in and do a bit of a surprise check is she going to wear the ring around oh yes or the dress or the dress

she's going to wear a dress what she's constantly being a tuxedo as well just having a celebration oh the celebrant's still here oh we just had such a good time at the wedding

that we can't bring ourselves to take the clothes off you should do a photo shoot though you should have wedding photos up around the house we probably should yeah Oh, we just had such a good time at the wedding that we can't bring ourselves to take the clothes off. You should do a photo shoot, though. You should have wedding photos up around the house. We probably should. Yeah. Maybe we should. So when they pitched you guys...

Can you do some sort of photoshoppery and can we be in the wedding party? Yeah. In the picture? Oh, okay. It'll be the first dumb, dumb wedding I've been invited to. It'll be a photo of me and my wife, Carl and Helia, and Nazeem, but just not in the photo because he's 45 minutes late,

still driving around out in front of the venue. If you print out the address properly, you'll get a situation. I'm thinking of getting married this weekend. You should come. Here's the address. But, yeah, you were saying what when they pitched this place to you? Yeah, so do they basically say, do the agents say to the owner, hey, we've got this married couple who have been married for a lot,

like how did it make it better that you were married and not just like fooling around? Well, this place came up... Not just fooling around. Did the owner go, are they serious about each other when's he going to

talk to one of the landlords and say I think the neighbours next door are fooling

around can you check this out for me please also I like the idea that the real estate

company are like these two people want to move in together are they really

committed though yeah I'm applying for a property with this woman who

I'm going steady with we went out to make our point last night I'm moving in with this woman I'm having a bit of with this woman who I'm going steady with. We went out to make our point last night. I'm moving in with this woman I'm having a bit of a fling with. It's just a fuck buddy.

I'm moving in with my fuck buddy. It saves on transportation costs. Yeah, they're the ultimate fuck buddy in that they're helping me move. You don't get a better buddy than that. We're really good buddies. We fuck every night. I help move the bed in and then you fuck. That's a better buddy than that. We're really good buddies. We fuck every night. I help move the bed in and then you fuck.

That's a good buddy, right? Motivation. But yeah, I believe so because the people who lived in here before were a couple who split up. So I think the thing is that... Did the owner just kick them out then? You can't make this work. There's no more fooling around. You make this shit work or get out of my house i'll find another married couple yeah so i think

um yeah i think they so you just made the call we need to get married to have a better chance so my girlfriend's sister they're not married just so to be clear but on the application whose suggestion was it did you say sweetie i think i think we should say we're married did you start crying like that's a big moment just to get, sweetie, I think we should say we're married? Did you start crying? Like, that's a big moment. Just to get a rental property. I think we're ready to make the next big fake next step. Yeah, I got down on one knee

and I showed her the fake cover letter that I'd written. No, her sister, when she got her house, she said it was very competitive. And her sister and husband, now husband, but at the time boyfriend, they put that on their form. And the agent ended up telling them the main reason you got this house was because, you know, you were married. The agent said that?

Yeah. And was like, that was very attractive to us because, like, couples, you know. So your girlfriend's sister said that? Yeah. So that was her advice to my girlfriend. So my girlfriend was like, let's do that as well. Do you think your girlfriend was maybe just trying to have the chat with you? Like, maybe it's better we just get married.

Actually, now that you mention it, she doesn't have a sister. And they're insisting on kids as well. That's weird. Fake kids so that we, again, look more stable. So why don't you marry her? Oh, no. No, look, sorry. He's fooling around.

I'm not fooling around. I do think we need the photo. I do think we need the photo. I think we need the photo too. In the hallway. Yeah. I think we need to be... In the hallway?

Yeah, yeah, out there. Getting married somewhere a bit nicer. No, the photo's in the hallway. I thought you meant... Who's meaner to us? One of the names is just in my hallway. One of the meant to say to talk to a nerd. One of the nerds has just in my hallway. One of the nerds has is touching. The worst photographer ever.

I think the natural light is not good. Well, let's go to the hallway. A real location of commitment. Just on the way out of the fucking house. It doesn't work. Yeah, all right. This is good. I'll look into getting this done.

We need to be three groomsmen. Okay. Yeah. Where can we go to get this done? Look, I will say also this. I did get married recently, guys. Yes. Here we go.

But only Muslim married. Not only. He was like Muslim. Because I know you haven't even been invited. You're going to have a frigging... I know. I keep asking you. So I did see you on the grapevine that you're on to your next marriage.

The current. Carl is the only person that's actually met her. Yes. And to be honest, if I had it my way, you would be the last person I met her. Well, I thought I should meet her and I gave you my blessing and so that's why you're allowed to be... You met her crossing the road and we had a conversation in the middle of traffic.

Was it for love or property reasons? Yeah, yeah. I think is Muslim married a bit like us with our real estate marriage but instead of getting a house it's for rooting? Is that the same sort of thing? I believe it is like that. Is that what it is? Well, we're not married

according to Australian law yet. We're saving that part. And that's when the wedding may happen. And at that point... May happen. Depending on COVID rules... You haven't committed on Australian weddings yet,

like on Australian marriage. Do you think I have any respect for Australian law? No, no. According to Australian law, you're just... I sound like a terrorist. According to Australian law,

you're just fooling around. Yeah, right, right. According to Australian law, I're just... I sound like a terrorist. According to Australian law, you're just fooling around. Yeah, right, right. According to Australian law, I wouldn't get this house. On the same sense, you're currently fooling around. On the same... Not married. So you are... Congratulations.

Thank you very much. Congratulations. This is the dum-dum scoop. Yes, yes. It's kind of exclusive because there's clearly a lot of people out there that are wondering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So how old are you now, Naz? I can't remember what the Wikipedia says, but...

Just write into the mic if you can. 36. Oh, 36. Oh, that's all right. This was like a freaking new idea. Two weddings for 36 is okay. Yeah, it's not bad. One every 18 years.

That's all right. That's legal. One every 18 years. Oh, you want to be 18. How old are you? 45 You're just on your first Currently on my first

One kid Yeah Yes Oh yeah you've got one kid Two marriages This is like a race Yeah Pete

Two kids No three kids One marriage Three kids One marriage 18 years Based on your math It's due to go

Fucking sound That's my announcement We're getting divorced This is the big dum dum Scoop Based on your math, it's due to go fucking sound. That's my announcement. We're getting divorced. This is the big dum-dum scoop. No, no, you're compensating with the kids. So it's either... Compensating? Well, we're compensating.

No, not compensating. What I mean is, sorry, sorry. The equation is one marriage every 18 years and or one kid. So you're 18 years into your marriage. Yes. You're just about due to fool around again. No, or another kid. Yeah, right. Oh, fuck. So you're 18 years into your marriage Yes You're just about due to fool around again Nah Or another kid

Yeah right Oh fuck I love the idea of kids Being compensating for something Not compensating But like you know Every 18 years One kid one marriage

Right Therefore when you're 30 In 36 I don't know So you're going to wait another What 15 years Or 14 years To have another kid

Is that what you're saying On your algebra Welcome to Marital Veggie Maths veggie maths if you just joined us you can tell nazim's just been on a show surveying the country because he's like right into the numbers australian talks oh my god so do you have to propose to be yeah we propose married or not everything you have to propose again to be australian married no we just gotta a wedding. You just sign a paper. All right. What did you do?

You had to sign a piece of paper, right? Oh, yeah. Look, we did vows at the mosque. There was an imam. Right. Families. Yeah. I was dressed up.

No comedians? No comedians. Right. No comedians. Not at all. Not at all. It was a very... And this is the most recent marriage you're talking about.

Most recent. Yeah. What time is it now? Yeah, yeah, this one. No, that was a most recent. What time is it now? Yeah, yeah, this one. That was a genuine question. What about the original one? The original one, that ceased. No, but you had a Muslim one and an Australian one?

No, we just had the Muslim one. Just the Muslim one. Hang on, 2018 was the last marriage. That wasn't very long ago. Yeah, but it's been COVID. In COVID years, that's like nine years ago. I mean, you guys just fool around for years, you know. Get to it.

Don't tell us we fool around when you're getting married every five minutes. That's three years, right? Do the frigging, you know. I'm with you. How long have you been together? Me and my partner have been together a year and a half. A year and a half? Fake married in a real house.

Okay, you're in a house together. You're living indefinitely in a relationship. I mean, what are you waiting for? Naz would have been married twice by now. To the same person. Naz would have proposed to the movies. Yeah, well, once we get the fake wedding photo done, we'll see how that feels.

And then maybe I could propose mid-fake wedding photo. That'd be good. I also like the idea of this photo. It's me and her, you three as my groomsmen, and then no bridal party in the photo. Yeah, yes. Just this devastating look for her. Who carries the rings?

Is that one of the groomsmen? Is that like the... Yeah, yeah. That's a page boy, isn't it? Don't you have a dedicated ring person? That's a little kid. It's only a kid. It's a little kid or some shit.

Get whose? Isn't the best man to have the ring? Pete's got a baby face. Yeah, the best man. I think the best man did it I think it was a long time ago 18 years did you propose

to any other women on the speed dating night or was this just that's it it's good for everyone out there you don't have to

marry everyone you kiss by the way people at home so guys don't be jealous I'll get you an invite right then the jokes can stop

did you come here today thinking you were going to drop this bombshell? No, no. Actually, I talked to Kylie yesterday. I was like, listen, mate. You literally have five minutes of this shit. Yeah, I know. I did. I said I'd put the timer on.

Okay, I'm putting the timer on now. No, the questions are done. That's it. Okay, is that it? How many more? Have we got another 60 seconds, mate? That's about four. I thought you might have been compensating for being late.

Okay, I'll give you a scoop. I'll give you an extra one minute. We've got 55 seconds left, guys guys Let's get out our speed questions I'm sexed That's about sex Oh god Have you done it? Have you done it?

Oh yeah I've done it What's it like? What's it like? What's it like? What the hell I mean that's what happens When you guys fall around Yeah yeah yeah

No she's lovely. I've met her. She's nice. She's normal. So far, she's the only comedian she's met is you. You and Waleed. Right. And I don't know any other...

I was going to ask if Waleed knew, because you mentioned a few weeks ago he was going to your place. Yeah, Waleed. It seemed to be very important that he was there. When? Oh, no, this is in March this happened, but no, it's always... Everything Waleed does is important and intentional.

Hang on, hang on. He doesn't just casually go window shopping. We've got ten seconds left. Is she, alright, one question. Is she better than the last one? Oh, great question. Mate, she's the best person in the whole world and I am blessed to be married to her. Great.

And that wraps up Nazeem's Wedding Corner For this week For this week Next week we've got A new one coming in A new marriage coming in Nazeem's Wedding Corner But what is Seriously what's sex like?

Alright we'll move on I'll send you a book Excellent work Congratulations mate So are we talking About Pete's marriage right now Or Are we on to Pete's now

Is it Pete's marriage corner Sure Real one or TV one Which one TV one looks really good Oh wow that's great That's a Pete's marriage corner sure real one or TV one which one TV one looks really good oh wow that's great that's great

well have you has your TV wife and your wife wife they meet no no this is a slightly weird thing they have not met

oh really I'm keeping them apart it's independent George genuinely whoa no only because like you would think

compare the sex oh it's it's... I feel more with my own wife. That's because of COVID restrictions on set. Less people in the room when you do it with Lisa. Surprisingly not. What was I answering? No, they haven't met because you would think,

oh, surely Breget's probably been even to be on set at once. But being on set, Bridget, I've been doing this long enough. Yeah. It's boring. If you're not involved... This sounds like you're rehearsing an answer

or you've said this to her before. No, I haven't. It's really boring. Oh, no, I've invited her to set. It's just Bridget kind of saying, I've got no real... That's a bit weird. You've invited her to come...

To the set of How to Stay Married and your other wife is Lisa McKeown Yes TV wife But I mean Who wants to go to their partner's work really Like you know If you work for Dell Computers

And I said If I work for Dell Computers I said do you want to come to work today Don't call Lisa McKeown a Dell Computer Well work is not just Lisa McKeown It's the whole It's the show Lisa McKeown is Bill Gates She whole... Yes, exactly. It's the show. Lisa McKeown is Bill Gates.

She's Bill Gates. But the difference would be your wife coming and watching you have a big snog with a Dell computer in the corner of the office. Licking the Dell computer screen, which you're not allowed to do during this COVID age. I know. I know. Bloody Andrews. So what about this?

I know we're going OT with Nazeem's wife corner But Has she been to stand up yet? She came to the great debate And I just don't She's dropped me off At some of your gigs

But I'm like Just don't come in Please Right Because I get too self If there's someone there That I'm like You know

I don't know I just get self conscious I can't have like Do you think it's a deal breaker If she sees you bomb It might be off I can't have people That are too close to my real life In a stand up room You don't want someone just get self conscious I can't have like Do you think it's a deal breaker If she sees you balling It might be off I can't have people That are too close to my real life

In a stand up room You don't want someone That you like and respect Yeah someone I like and respect Yeah you know You know like I once had like an auntie Like in the front row

This like Sri Lankan elderly auntie And I just couldn't do the show Because she was just Looking at me smiling Because she'd seen me grow up And I'm a well mannered boy And all this sort of stuff In her eyes

So I just The whole show was shit. But for her, it was like a very polite show. Right, right. Like I did this really long speech. Right. I think if you get,

the basement is not a good place to bring somebody. It's just yuck. What? What? No, no, because it's, That's a comedy club. My club.

It's intimate. It's a great place to do comedy. That's a great, great comedy room. I thought you might just be talking about basements in general. Like, don't bring someone to a basement. Especially Carl's basement.

No, no. But it's intimate. There's a chance you could see. It is pretty blinding, but you know they're close. If you do a bigger room during a comedy festival, you can park them at the back. But it's a hot room. No, it's a great room for comedy.

It's where comedy is at its rawest. The jokes're fresh. Fresh off the press. I do think, you know what, if you brought your shrunken auntie along to the basement, she would probably sit there and go, how is this your job? Yeah, I know.

It doesn't look... No, it doesn't look like, you know, they're like, oh, how do you pay a mortgage with this thing? How do you pay any of your seven mortgages with this thing? So you've rented your wife to your... It's a great debate, which is very slick. Well, I don't know if this is... How far away did they keep the mic?

Yeah, during comedy version. It's in a big room. In a big room. I was just like, look, this is a safe space. It's, you know, it's... It's a safe space. It's a bunch of people Arguing with each other No you know what I mean I don't know

I just felt more comfortable Doing a bigger gig to her Than a small She was a bit like When there's hecklers And you know I think she I just feel like

You know Okay When's the big commitment When are you going to bring her To one of my clubs That's the big next step To do a spot No

To watch you Or to watch me You know Is your room even running anymore Yes Are you still doing that Yes Mate it's fucking hard enough

At the moment Without you putting ads On my podcast Saying my club's not Running Hey I was on News Breakfast The other day I don't know what

I was plugging the pineapple project Which is a competitive Which is a competitive podcast It's not a competitive to us Which is not at the same time Is that what you're saying Yes It's not at the same time

Someone's going how do we earn money it's an incredible project it's another it's another money podcast guys but um as we've said often we're on the show

anytime we talk about money we're the bareback yes I was on News Breakfast plugging it and you know they're normally like two or three minute chats

and I think they must have dropped a news story because I was literally your news story just dropped I was on there for like ten minutes like just talking to the two hosts Michael Rowland

and Lisa there wasn't a big need to name the host I forgot anyway so during this chat clearly I'd finished all my money talking points like oh you know

people often buy impulsively or whatever the hell we talked about on the podcast and then so you know I just started riffing and I was like hell we talked about in the podcast and then so you know I just started riffing and I was like

hey you should try stand up Michael you should and he's like really I'm funny I'm like yeah you should try

just drop in at one of Carl Chandler's rooms and we literally spoke about you and spleen comedy for about five minutes

of television no exaggeration also what a terrible segue the pineapple project this is his how to earn money also his how to do open mic stand-up.

Here's how to lose money. Okay, so you've had the Muslim wedding. You're going to plan the Australian wedding and then the comedy wedding is bringing in one of the cast members for the first time. Are you sure your host at Australia Talks was according to a TV guide? I didn't know how to respond to that because... No.

I mean... Yeah. So it was... Which TV guide was it? So it was The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald, I believe. Yeah. They... It had...

As hosted by Annabelle Crabbe and Waleed Ali. Yeah. And a photo of myself and Annabelle. This is a big ABC national survey sort of census-based... Yeah, yeah. It's like 600... myself and Annabelle this is a big ABC national survey sort of census based yeah yeah it's like 600 60,000 questions asked 600 questions asked

to 60,000 people yep and you know it's just kind of the results of those surveys so we're just hosting this broadcast about stats and then they

you know did Spleen get a mention or not Spleen got a big mention well I didn't even know how to respond because you posted it on Instagram

and I didn't even I went to kind of you know comment or do a joke. And I thought, this is, it's gone. It's like, it's too far past. It's happened so many times. Media watch did a thing on it.

It's like, I find it like, I don't find it like annoying or like a serious thing. But it is just like, oh my God, now it's not even like funny. People are like, oh, surely they did it as a joke. But the problem is, I can't be too self-righteous about this because I make this mistake all the time with white people. Literally, the other day, this is horrible,

I was doing an interview with Carrie and Tommy. You mixed those two up? Carrie is married to Chris Walker, who used to work at The Project and now he works at the ABC. Tom Witte used to work at The Project. He now he works at the ABC. Tom Witte used to work at The Project. He now works on Australia Talks.

He sent me a bunch of stats and talking points for that interview to plug Australia Talks. And halfway through this pre-recorded interview, I stuffed up one of the stats. I said, hey, let me just pick that up again, Carrie and Tommy. I just stuffed up one of the stats. You know, your husband spent all his time writing that. I don't want to stuff it up.

And then Tommy's like, do you think Carrie's married to Tom? So meanwhile, every time you've been around Tom Witte, you're just like, God, Carrie's great. So great. I love every time I get to hang with him. He's like, why are you telling me this? What's it like to root Carrie?

And he's like How did he know? Yeah No you're right So you think All white people Are the same You got an address

In this suburb You just want to All addresses are the same All numbers are the same All white people Live at the same address I also Okay on Hughes

You have a problem I'll sit next to Denise Scott And we're just in the middle of chat And then I just remember like Saying oh whatever what about when Judith said

blah blah blah and I caught her I've also mixed up Kate Lamberook with Michelle Laurie just as my because they're both radio people

this is almost an interesting thing with the two people to go who came off worse there who do you think came off come on Tommy

no honestly it's just there's a problem with my brain. I love saying it's racism, you know, Waleed and Nazeem, but, you know, it happens to... And we have joked about it on the project. You've joked about it with Waleed and vice versa.

We've kind of joked, you know, about it. But I think even on the show, we've kind of decided not or do it less because it's like, like okay the joke's totally the joke is so hack now yes and also they

you say maybe they did it as a joke I'm not sure how many jokes I've ever seen in the TV guide they kind of keep it pretty in the TV listings well they don't do parody names

or anything 8pm tonight the Flintstones just kidding yeah because it used to but for a while it was like, no, you fucking idiots. Waleed's the guy who's hosting the project

and Azeem's the stand-up who pops up on other things. But now to complicate things even more, you're popping up on the project more and more and more. Oh, look, mate. The thing is, when people come up to me and say, oh, I really loved your article and, you know, that was such a powerful piece on the project like it's fun

I feel really I'm happy to be Waleed for that person but if it happens the other way you know with Waleed you know your impersonation

your mum was really good someone comes up to Waleed and goes I think I was one of your wives once I was number 8 I think somebody goes to Waleed I love that eating anus bit you did when you went on I'm a Celebrity. That was powerful and funny. He said all white babies look like your co-host.

That's right, yes. You've been racism back this way, haven't you? All white babies Look like me You did a joke I'll look into it He did have the Kind nature

To text me And ask me But I asked you For a I got your permission For a version of the joke That was really kind I was just like

Hey I think babies Kind of look like you But then it just got Like harsher and harsher As the When I saw it I was just like I reckon he's had a few little...

White babies are ugly. They're ugly as shit. Look at him. They look like Peter Elliot. Yeah, they just start kicking a baby. That's all good. Peter said I can say that joke. He loves kicking babies.

Well, I've got... Look, so I've got an update I feel like I need to update The listeners From a couple of weeks ago On a thing I'll give you guys A bit of context

As to what's been Happening on this show So I In my apartment That we're not in We're in Tommy's Tommy's new place

But in my apartment There's been a bit of A bit of trouble A bit of neighbour trouble Lately So what's happened Is the house the apartment

directly above me they've got a dog they've got a large dog and it's been weeing and it's been leaking downstairs

so onto my balcony so we've had torrential downfall of dog piss got a golden retriever shower there we go

there we go we There we go. We've done this two episodes and we didn't go for that one. This sounds like the reverse of you shitting where dogs normally shit. Well, there we go, yes. We've had all that as well, yes. It's a bit of karma. It's a bit of bodily fluid karma. Revenge, as it were, for me shitting through lockdown.

I've been doing a bit of poo jogging. You really couldn't get a more clearer example of karma. Well, have you done that this year? Sorry? Have you stopped that habit? Poo jogging? Yes, I have. I've managed to cork it.

That's good. It's a big boy now. I got to the bottom of it, literally. I found out what was happening. I was eating insanely high fibre bread and then going for a run at completely the wrong time. So it wasn't targeted? You weren't saying,

I want to take a shit at a particular place? No, no, no. It wasn't food terrorism or anything. When you say insanely high fibre bread, you just mean bread.

No, no, no. What do you mean insanely high? I'm the kind of baker's delighting guy. I'd be insanely high fibre bread. Jack me up if you can. High fibre bread doesn't, that just like solidifies,

doesn't it? No, well, I'll bring you this bread I'll see what happens Where did you get it from? This is I got it from You know what? It's the one place I could

I've ever seen it In Coles Richmond In Swan Street They got this really And I went back With our last lockdown Because that's when I was originally doing the last lockdown

It was all happening I went back this lockdown And I got that bread again and I was like ah good times let's check this out and had it and I nearly shit myself again

so what sort of warning period did you get like minutes no no no it was like 8 hours or something like I'd eat it for lunch and then I'd go for

an 8 o'clock at night and then I'd go how long would it take for you to just go I need to shit right now oh like I'd get 20 minutes leeway

so you get 20 minutes so you can find a toilet. Yeah, but I was running, like, at 11 o'clock at night, down Bridge Road. I couldn't get to Maccas. Houses. Hotels. What, am I going to knock on someone's door in lockdown? Police station. I can't knock on someone's door

in lockdown to take a shit. I don't want to knock on someone's door in normal time at 11 o'clock to say, can I take a shit, please? Going to the police is a great call. I've got an emergency. I need to go poo-poo. I've got a triple zero right here in my pants. I've got a sergeant on my way.

What would the police onus be? Yeah. They would have to let you in to take a shit. That is a good point. If you go, I'm going to shit myself in this room right now. I'm going to cause a crime if you don't let me in. I've got a baton coming out my ass. Yeah.

Yes. That's a good point. Okay. I could have run to the cops. You could have gone to the cops. It seems like you've got an answer for everything, mate. Sounds like you wanted to just shit in the kids' playground. Just do the Black Lives Matter protest.

Everyone being like, hey, cabin, you being like, I don't know, man. They let me use their toilet once, so they're all right by me. Very friendly. Anyway, anyway, that's not my main point my main point is so that all happened then this has

happened where the neighbours have got a big dog does a big piss they've got a mat

their mat fell down into our balcony it's called a piss mat I believe I call it that

so how do dogs normally piss they take them for a walk oh right ok I have no idea

where they they haven't tried the dogs to piss over the balcony like it's in fucking schoolies hang on can we abandon

all of this and just get into Nazeem not knowing until this moment 36 how dogs piss I don't know honestly they're just they're beasts

and I don't know why people have animals in their houses yeah yeah look it's fair no look so I think they take the dog I'm not saying they don't take look so i think they they take the dog i'm not saying they don't take the dog for a walk they take the dog for a walk but the dog can't wait

for that time all the time okay so they don't i believe they don't have like a cat litter tray they have the piss mat i believe something like that anyway it's leaking we're getting a lot of dog piss in our balcony we went i went back and forth back and forth back and forth we got to a point where uh they were arguing a lot with us, but then they'd back down. So it went on for weeks and weeks. Finally, they got to a point where I believe at the moment we're not getting any.

So we've been two weeks dry in the balcony. Yeah, two weeks dry or something. Is the dogs alive? The dog's alive. I've seen the dog be walked. And is the argument from them, they don't believe it's happening? Because it's hard to argue against it If they know it's happening

How do you kind of say Well I mean I go I've literally got like Heaps of pictures of piss On my balcony That I can show them And they're like

And I go to show them And they're like We don't want to see piss And also How do you know that's piss Like a picture of piss Doesn't prove that it's Like is it

Can you see the yellow Well yes Absolutely It's not just Again Do we need to explain piss to you No No

Carl's a designer And he's getting into Photoshop and just boosting the level, boosting the yellows in the image. So I'm doing... Yeah, look, I've had three or four conversations with him where I'm pleading with him going, look, it's piss. Can I have a look?

Come down and see it. Just before you... Smell it. Like you can smell it. What were you asking him to do, though? Fix the problem. What's the problem? There's obviously some hole somewhere.

It's called it's urethra no not a hole in the dog's dick a hole in the fucking balcony right I thought there was

one hole in his dick to go from how do dogs piss to it's called the urethra in the space of like two minutes

so you wanted them to fix the balcony that's what you there's obviously some hole in their in their floor in the space of like two minutes. So you wanted them to fix the balcony, that's what you were angling for? There was obviously some hole in their floor up there or something like that. Because it kept moving, they'd go, we fixed it. And it was just like pushing it down the other way and all of a sudden it was like coming down

on top of my fucking laundry, like down the other end. So I went back up, I said, ah, and they said, right, they told me he was conducting some sort of series of tubes up there, which I was fascinated with. I don't know how the fuck that worked. But then he said, right, this is me he was conducting some sort of series of tubes up there, which I was fascinated with.

I don't know how the fuck that worked. But then he said, right, this is it. It's not good enough. I'm going to, you know, he sort of, it was like a house of cards. He'd stick up for himself and then he'd go, nah, it's actually not good enough. This is pathetic. I'm like, don't cry, dude. Kind of the way comedians are up against you when they try to get a spot.

Something like that. Something like that. Please, man, I need my wife to see me kill. I can't have a second one fail, please. I need this. And that's why Cabba pissed on the basement fucking walls. So anyway, we talked about it for two weeks, right? So after those two weeks, basically it's got fixed.

I haven't seen any piss for two weeks. And it's like a pathetic thing where anytime there's any sort of liquid on our wall or anything like that, it's like me and my wife coming out there and sniffing the floor. Oh, my God. Just to make sure it's not like it's definitely rain, that not piss or that's something else right so that's that's our habit at the moment imagine seeing that

you must just look like the most demented of all time yeah because it's me going well I can't smell anything you come out there

you come out so then so anyway so that's how you keep the marriage fresh Nazeem sorry sorry so basically at the moment it's still

coming down no no no no so that's that's the thing so it's fingers crossed in the marriage fresh, Nazeem. Sorry, sorry, sorry. So basically at the moment, it's still coming down. No, no, no, no. So that's the thing. So it's fingers crossed in the moment. That's happened. We talked about it. There's a ceasefire. They seem to have fixed the problem, right?

Now, the thing is that's happened now is that I'm a bit unsure about is that we talked about it for two weeks. Now, this is a podcast that's sort of, you know, we get quite a few listeners. All of a sudden, I've got... Not as many as a pineapple project, but go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the podcast came out, the one that everyone kicked off about when we talked about it, that came out. Two days later, I get a text from an unknown number

that just says, is this Carl from the lower level? Ooh. And I'm like, oh, this is... Is that another word For basement comedy No no Well it could be Well there's a thing

That's a better name Lower level comedy Lower level comedy Which is what it is Just in case I build something Underneath the basement Yeah That would become the basement

Yeah yeah So I get that And I shit myself Not like that But So Let's go to the park Yeah 20 minutes So I'm like I get that and I shit myself. Not like that. Let's go to the park.

Yeah, 20 minutes. So I'm like, fuck, is this coming from, well, obviously from above. But again, this could be lower level from anywhere. I don't know. It's not like I work at the project. Maybe it's someone from the top floor of the channel 10. Yeah, someone who flies the channel 10 news helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The project office is the lower level. Yeah, yeah. Someone from Viac helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The project office is the lower level. Yeah, yeah. Someone from Viacom. Yeah. Yes, yes. Anyone that works above the writer's room, it's just we are the lower level in every way. Yeah, the janitor from Channel 10.

Hello, Olga, if you're listening. Yes. An actual name of the... Really? Yes, yes. So I get the text and I'm like... And I'm literally out in the balcony as I get this. And I'm like, fuck, because I'm out there... Usually I take the phone when I go out there to talk.

And I'm, you know, whatever. So, you know, you answer the phone, you're like, Carl's speaking, whatever. Oh, what? I don't, but yeah. Right. Well, you don't say... I don't say, hello, Carl speaking.

Yes, yeah. It's a good tip. Yeah. So is this... This is like a horror movie. This is like the calls coming from inside the building. Yes, yes.

Yeah. So I'm like, fuck, this guy's heard the podcast or something and now he's finding out. Because at no stage have I introduced myself when I'm going...

I'm not like, hey, my name's Carl. I've got dog piss on me. Yeah. I just come up... Carl Chandler famous podcaster from the lower level

so I'm sitting there so for three hours I'm sitting there going do I reply or what do I do here maybe I just ignore it okay and I got myself

into a state where I'm like this is definitely the guy from upstairs he's found out my name how does he find out my name he doesn't find out my name because my name's on the front door of my house or

anything like that I reckon somehow it's come back to him that this podcast is happening there's no kind of like internal building thing no he could

get that anyone could get don't worry because otherwise I would have found out the name of the guy who lives across from me who keeps his blind open and

watches really old pornos right I would have found out that guy's name but that's even worse that you're watching him watch porn and you can see the porn you're the guy and watches really old pornos. Right. I would have found out that guy's name. So I'd be thinking about him now. But that's even worse that you're watching him watch porn and you can see the porn. You're the guy. But it's at the front door, to be fair.

I'm checking my mail. And as you're getting the Kmart catalogues out, you're literally watching hardcore porn. How do you know it's old porn? Is it the VHS quality or is it the pubic hair? It's on film. What a projector. You know. It's like, Like literally What a projector You know

It's like You're a big film fan I'm watching And I'm like That's not video That's film So he's just watching Or is he fooling around

He's fooling around With himself He's not married to himself He's fooling around With himself No it's the other way around If you're watching a porn And you're not doing anything

That's fooling around It's like, take this seriously and start jacking off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Commit. He's taking it seriously if he's setting up a projector. That's what you know.

This wank's going to happen. Yeah, yeah. He's by himself. He's got a hole in the popcorn. Oh, God. Real once finished. I was just about to come. Now I've got to get up

and change it over. Oh, I came through the previews. I've wasted it. Do you think they do that at those adult cinemas, like at the Crazy Horse and whatever? Do they have previews? They still exist. Here's some pornos that are coming up in a few months.

Because if it's a three-minute preview, it's like, we don't need any more, do we? The previews will do me. Off I go. Are there cinemas in those places? Do they still exist? I don't know. There used to be one on

there was one in the city there was one on like Elizabeth Street or whatever the crazy horses might go to reference but I don't think that's there anymore is it so you just go there

they're just seats usual distance apart I don't think those show movies like they you know like I'm not sure if they even existed in Melbourne

yeah you watch those if you ever seen those docos of the porn revolution with the there's a actually a good

Debbie Does Dallas doco it was a doco I'm not going to hear it but they show no it was Dick Throat actually sorry Dick Throat

and there'll be cinemas and people just go I have no idea if they exist in Melbourne like in Taxi Driver when he takes Jodie Foster

on the date to the yes the guys just sit there with popcorn and wank you to their popcorn which is next to each other

well yeah I've never been to one but I I think Club X's and stuff still have like a room that you can go into and watch a DVD

but it's just like you it's just like one person in a booth right with some tissues in it yeah right pretty cool in case you cry

oh god you can't I just love porn so much. The lighting's cool. They got together. They got together. Even the porn parody of Titanic is sad.

Wow. I love Titanic. Oh, the boat hit the scrotum. The boat hit the back of her throat. Oh, wow. Oh, they're fucking on the door hit the scrotum The boat hit the back of her throat Oh wow Oh they're fucking on the door in the ocean

Oh the iceberg went right up his ass Wow Something semen There we go So Oh the band playing on the deck Now they're all sucking each other off Going down on each other

with the ship women and children first sir gonna have to ask you to leave get out I was with you until the women after that

after that alright so so I've got the I've got the text three hours I'm thinking A bit lowbrow for me. Alright, so I've got the text. Three hours, I'm thinking... You're just sitting there staring at the screen for three hours. Sweat on the brow. I'm keeping myself in. I'm going, how am I going to get out of this one, Chandler? So is this car from low level?

I'm trying to convince myself that this is maybe someone else. Like this is another circumstance. Could be a listener of the pod. Yeah. That's the next consideration. Were you having an existential crisis? Like, is this who I am? Am I merely Carl from the lower level?

Is this what I am to people? Oh, yeah. Is this God? It's the worst journey from the block sequel of all time. Carl from the lower level. Mum was right. I should have got a proper job. I could have been Carl from the higher level by now.

Is this Carl from the penthouse? Carl from the mezzanine No this is Carl From the normal level Yeah yeah From mid-level From the mid-level Yeah when can I climb up Yeah yeah

So no but Yeah so So three hours in It's like I'm sitting there Thinking What's going to happen Who's this This could be someone else

What If this is this person Am I in trouble How much trouble And what did I say About that person I'm sitting there thinking, what's going to happen? Who's this? This could be someone else. If this is this person, am I in trouble? How much trouble? And what did I say about that person? Is it that bad to complain that I'm getting pissed on, like the dog pissing down onto the balcony and all that stuff? I have to live with this person for how long?

I don't know. This guy's going to be bumming. And then I get an update. I get the second text. Follow-up three hours in. Yeah, the follow-up text. So what do you reckon the follow-up text would be coming from

the upstairs neighbour? Let's say I'm him and I've sent that message. Yeah, and you've got nothing. What am I following up? We're all in this together. You've got no... We're all in this together.

Maybe he's got a neighbour upstairs pissing on him. Yeah, right. It's a cycle of violence, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I finally get it. I'm with you, buddy. What would I say As a follow up

If I was him I'd be like You'd say who it is Yeah I'd go Yeah I heard you've been I heard you've been Talking about my dog's piss On your little

Fucking internet radio show My dog heard it You're not helping You come up here And apologise We're trying to deal With it privately man My dog heard it This is a family issue

Tom was a big fan Alright so what I get The text I get to follow up three hours later So is his car from low level The next text I get is How old are you? Okay Alright

What does that mean? It means how many years have you been on this earth? No, but in relation to that first question, why would we be... That sounds like your number has been put somewhere in some public toilet and people are responding to that. But hang on. My number's been put in a public toilet. For a good time, call Carl from lower level.

Yeah. For a good time, call Carl. When he answers, he will be on the ground floor of an apartment building. Oh, right. Okay. I think what it means is, assuming that this is the man, it's gotten back to him that you're airing this dirty laundry on the podcast. Well, it was clean laundry before we started. It's gotten back to him that that's how you're dealing with it.

And he's like, how old are you? Yeah, and my child. You're fucking 45 and you're sitting on your... You're bad-mouthing me on a podcast talking about my dog pissing. Yeah, yeah, right, right. That's how I would... Is that what you think? I think that's probably...

That's how I would interpret what he's trying to say. Yes, because if they've sent that... I mean, if that message just came through, then that seems like spam by itself. Like, how old are you? Yes. But if they know who you are, they've identified your name and lower level,

it does seem like, yeah, how old are you? Because it's also immaturity. Immaturity, yeah. Because they've established contact. They've then seen you on your balcony just staring at the phone for three hours, not doing anything about it. And so that feeds into what's like, how old are you?

Here we go. Here's a direct line of communication where you can say All this to me And you just Get a not response And also On top of that Generally

The balcony's where I take my phone calls So generally when Someone from comedy Rings me I'll go out there Because I don't want My wife to hear

The shit I go on The way that you're Carrying on Yes yes yes I've heard that as well Maybe Unless it could be Someone from Viacom

Trying to suss you out For a youth show Right Right right right Because we reckon You could pass for 29 Exactly Just so we know Could be someone from Viacom trying to suss you out for a youth show. Because we reckon you could pass for 29. Just so we know for covering it up. I could pass for 17 for smash hits. Yeah, right. Okay, yeah.

All right. So I haven't responded to that. Should I respond now? So you haven't even... No. When did you scare? Because I was like, okay, that's them. What do I say next?

Is it email? Is it email? No, it's text. It's text. But like Tommy suggested, then I thought, this is actually a perfect stitcher because a lot of listeners have got my phone number. So if they've just impersonated someone from the higher level and they've done it beautifully where I've just, again, shit myself for three hours sitting there going, fuck, what do I

do here? Yeah. And then how old are you is the follow-up. Yeah. That is the bit that I think gives it a bit of legitimacy. I think if it was a listener and they just said the first bit. Yes. And then backed away.

Yes. But I doubt a listener would follow up. It's a confusing follow-up. It's very like PASAG kind of. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I reckon a listener probably would have, unless they're trying to bait you into an of. Yes. Yeah, I reckon a listener probably would have,

unless they're trying to bait you into an answer, they would have added a bit more. It would be more specific. More of a joke. You just say, you know, what does that have to do with the topic? Stick to the topic, which is I'm Carl from the whole. Are you hosting Australia Talks again? Yeah, I'm playing.

So how long ago did you get this? This is the weekend. This is the weekend. This is the weekend. Okay. How old do you want to be? This is your opportunity to live that life. I'm not starting a new identity. I'm just dealing with my neighbour or something.

How old are you? 45. 45? 46. Yeah. Just turned. Happy birthday. Thank you.

It was January. So should I respond to this? Yes. Is there a way? Can we compose a text now? How old do you want me to be? But where does that get me, though? Should I give some sort of hint away that I'm, you know, I am?

Because obviously if this is a guy from the high level, he's not completely sure that this is the right number. He could have like heard, some friend of his could have told him, oh, I think they've been talking about you on the podcast and I think this is his number. So this guy clearly doesn't,

he's not sure. Oh, right. So how has he gotten, how has he gotten a number? That's, that's quite a chain of events. Yes.

The listener have, he's, he's heard about it and then the listener. Yes. Who has, you don't give the number out in every episode no but it's there

people know it yeah so you it could literally be anybody though this could be the ATO or it could be anybody the ATO

the ATO a random text how old are you yeah you've learned on your tax return and hey if you live on a lower level

you actually get taxed in a lower bracket They've been taxing me too high Okay great I just replied is this the ATO Should I do that That's a good Is this the ATO

Is this the ATO Okay I'm texting back Let me say why is this the ATO If Okay I'm texting back Let me make why Is this the ATO? If he's saying How old are you In terms of a like You know Grow up kind of thing

And then getting Is this the ATO? It's just Really going to drive him insane Or her Or her Or her Alright I'm not sending that one

Is this the ATO? Is this the ATO? Is that what I'm putting? Yeah yeah yeah Okay alright Let's see And if mine is a five you go But I'm 46 with a wink

Yeah yeah Alright Well actually what I'm putting? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, alright. But let's see. And if Ryan's a five, you go, but I'm 46 with a wink. Yeah, yeah. Alright. Well, actually, okay, well, while we wait for that, maybe I'll do another follow-up on what happened last week, which is last week

is I decided to, a friend of mine that I used to play soccer with, outdoor soccer with, 20 years ago, he's always messaging me, whenever we talk, he'll say,

why don't you come back and play? Because he's the only person from that era that still plays for that outdoor soccer club, Daylesford Soccer Club. Which soccer club? Daylesford Soccer Club. That's right. Yeah. So I used to play for them 20 years ago.

We won a couple of grand finals. We were like the best. Wow. And then. That's near Hepburn Springs, that whole relaxation area. That's right. Yeah. They're very relaxed.

Very relaxing. They've never scored a goal. The best are just at half time and not too long. We don't go near the goal. There's no sort of tension. There's nothing happening. No one gets up out of their seat.

Trying to book a combination there for this weekend. There's nothing there. Oh, right. Oh, I know some people up there. There's some club rooms I know up there over there for Easter actually

that was really nice so I went up there I mean I said to them right I'm in I'm in what you were in

the team no no I said to them okay finally you've convinced me I was thinking you know what 20 years later this would be fun

this must be the shittest soccer team that you don't even need to try out you just respond well this is it now I've said to this guy, okay.

I am 46. He's asking. He's 45. 45. Sorry, sorry. In case the ATO all is fixed. We want to get this right. Is this Carl from the lower division?

This is Carl from a much lower speed. I know a guy who's fit. He hosts a podcast. So he's always asking. I go you know what we talked about last week and said

you know what let's do it the big comeback 20 years later let's see if I've still got it so I go back to him and I go you know what

I'm in and all of a sudden he's 20 years of him going come back and play all of a sudden it's like it's been very clearly sort of stood out

that this is just like a nice thing to say in conversation oh you should come back and play because I've gone yeah I'm in and he's gone

oh okay so is there a spot for you so he goes he's like all of a sudden there's a lot of blank messages

there's a lot of and me following up going so you've been asking and I you know I said okay I've been running I've been asking. You know, I said, okay. I've been running.

I've been out there running. Maybe you said you'd be shitting when you were running as well. I've been losing weight while I've been running a lot. We've got this really clean pitch. Brutal week on the phone for you. You've got randoms who you don't want to hear from angrily texting you. The guy that you do want something from, he's not replying. So then all of a sudden it turns into,

oh, there might be some room on the bench of the reserves. I'm like, fucking this is very different from all the texts I've been getting over the years. Okay, but then because I've committed to it and I've started talking about it on the podcast, I don't want to back out of it. So I'm like, well, can I play on the bench? Get me in, coach.

I can do it. And he's like, I'll talk to the coach about it. And I'm like, okay, well, when do you talk to the coach? And I'm messaging him every day. And he's like, training's not till Wednesday. You're now trolling him. Just fucking calm down. Do you actually want to play?

Sorry? Do you actually want to play? Yeah, yeah. Well, I got myself into the headspace of like, okay, I can play. I'm going to play. And I went out and I was running more. I bought a ball. I went out and started training. So it in dales for like two hours away yes three hours away weekly yes you really don't like your marriage huh no i asked my wife and she gave me

the head she gave me the all clear yeah she said it was okay she wants a divorce he's jealous of you he wants to be on his second one as well. Someone else beat me to it. Fuck. It's not a race. So I'm chasing this guy up and I'm like, talk to the coach, talk to the coach. And then he comes back and goes, oh, yeah, I talked to the coach. He remembers you from the old days. I'm like, what do you mean? Who's the coach? He's like, oh, it's this guy.

He was in the juniors back when we were playing in the seniors. And he remembers you. And I'm like, oh, well, what do you mean he remembers you and I'm like oh well what do you mean he remembers you and he goes well I don't know if you remember you wrote the yearbook of our club one year

and you just wrote all these bullshit profiles on it and you made up all this shit about all the players and you made up a heap of shit

you were hanging shit on everyone you hung shit on this guy and now he's the coach what? what did you say about him? I don't even know I don't even know so I don't even know.

So, so, so. I was just making up shit. And then he goes, apparently you made up all these stupid hobbies for this guy. Uh-oh. And he's remembered it 20 years later. You don't even remember the enemies you've made in your life. Yes. What?

I didn't mean anything by it. I was just like, oh, whatever. So, so this guy basically caved in. He had to tell you why you're on the bench. No, no, no. So I'm not even on the bench at this point. So what do I... You've got to try and work your way up to the bench.

All of a sudden, this great yarn for the podcast is going to be you talking about driving to Daylesford to hand out orange slices at halftime. So this is what happened. So I go, well, what am I going to do? And he goes, oh, look, just come up on the weekend. I'm like, oh, man, I'm not quite fit. I've only just started the proper training. I'm not fitting up to play this weekend. And he goes, oh, no, no, what am I going to do? And he goes, oh, look, just come up on the weekend. I'm like, oh, man, I'm not quite fit. I've only just started the proper training. I'm not fitting up to play this weekend.

And he goes, oh, no, no, no. You're not driving up here to play this weekend. Drive up here to just show your face and say hello to the coach and sign up. Apologize. I've been fucking comedy at Spleen. Like, this is what I do to fucking open micers at Spleen. No, you can't book online. You have to come in.

You have to kiss the ring. You have to come in. You have to kiss the ring. You have to come in and sign up. Come and watch the show. I love it. After marriage, you'll get a big sign-up book out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. So they've done literally that to me. And I'm like, fucking okay, I guess I'm doing it.

All right, I guess I have to do this. I'm like, I don't want to swing my dick and go, look. I run Spleen. No, it's like, well, if't want to swing my dick and go look I run spleen no it's like well if you want to look next time you go in the clubhouse guys if you want to look up

at the hall of fame and see my name that's who I am what do you mean are you a hall of famer up there look it's not the biggest boast of all time but I'm in the team

of the century up there they haven't been playing for a century they've probably been playing for about 25 years so it's not the biggest boast of all time but I am in the team

they started in 1999 and then that was the game of the century yeah yeah something like that so you're so we won their first ever grand final

we were in the team we won so then they're like I'll come up and introduce yourself I'm like I'm on the fucking wall that's an introduction

just sit there and say hello to that I mean that's a pretty bad introduction if you meet someone and you go I'm on the fucking wall I know that's what I'm saying I'm trying not hello to that. I mean, that's a pretty bad introduction if you meet someone and you go, I'm on the fucking wall. Yeah, I know.

That's what I'm saying. I'm trying not to say that. So driving all that way to do the right thing and then getting up there and still being a cunt. It actually would have been better you swinging your dick from in Melbourne. Your friend's like, nah, he's changed. That was 20 years ago.

He's probably a nice guy. Yeah, yeah. I was on my first wife back then. I've had like, not now, I've had like, I'm like Naz, I've got five wives by now. So I did it. I went, all right, well, fuck.

Okay, I'm driving up. This weekend just gone, you drove up to Dalesford. Yeah, yeah. And also as a follow-up for people who were listening last week who heard the start of this, talking about your training and everything,

you bought the soccer ball. Did you find a pump for the soccer ball? I did. Because that was the big hold up. I did find a pump. Nick Capa has a pump, so I went around there. That would have been great if you'd driven up before getting the pump. Yeah.

So I drove up there because I thought, well, they'll have a pump. Yeah. Pump it up at halftime. Yep. This is a very sad story so far. So you just really want to play in this soccer team. Yeah. I went from going, well, I guess I'll come and play for your little club

to me driving up begging to be on the bench of the reserves. Yeah. So I went up there and it was good because I got up there to get to, you know, watch the standard. And look, it was good because I went up there and went, yeah, right. Yeah, I'm not going to walk into this side. Oh, really? You know, it's 20 years later.

I can say I'm not going to be you know just like dominant or anything like that games change man were you still on the wall I didn't go in I didn't go into the clubhouse

I just watched I just watched and so there was and it was fuck that sad thing because it's 20 years there was people on other teams that had

their kids playing in the team I mean go fuck I'm going to have to I hated that guy then now I'm going to have to hate his son do they have any archived copies of the yearbook up there so you I'm going to have to I hated that guy then now I'm going to have to hate his son do they have any

archived copies of the yearbook up there so you can see what you have to apologise for hobbies pedophilia alright sorry coach you know what

it's been fun I think I may have mentioned this years ago but I found out you know what they've done they're running around and they're like oh do you like

their new shirts it's like I designed the logo 20 years ago they've changed the logo they've changed the club crest. That was a coach. I designed their fucking crest. They've changed it.

They want nothing to do with you. This friend of yours has just gone rogue. And then they're all going, why the fuck did you hit him up? That friend, he reminds me of me. Like when I'm talking to someone out and about, you know, whether it's an acquaintance or someone that I've maybe just met once. And at the end of the conversation, you know, you just say bye. And I'm like, yes, good to see you.

Yeah. We should catch up. Yeah, that's what it is. Tuesday. Everyone's coming up as if we should catch up. And then it's like, I've gone, okay, let's catch up and left me on read. The absolute freaks who follow you up on that. It's like, it's not that they just don't like you.

They actively dislike you. Like they have changed the logo. Remember the culture of the club is an anti-car one maybe if I go into the clubhouse I should have gone in the clubhouse and they've just

stuck someone else's face over the top of mine on the championship picture or something they've tried to describe it it's like when

Charlie Sheen went mental and he quits two and a half men and they just kill him off first step of the new batch with

Ashton Kutcher it's like opens with his gravestone it's like let there be no mistake this cunt will never be back I think they've sent the dog and the bread

they had this thing they found a dog who was a a geriatric dog a geriatric urinator you were moving upstairs they found that who lived upstairs

and they've been pissing on you That might be the new club president It could be Wait wait So did you meet the coach? What happened? So I come up to meet the coach And then I get up there

And I'm like Where's the coach? And they're like Oh that's him playing out On the field He's playing in the reserves And he's a player coach And I'm like

Oh okay Alright well I guess I'll talk to him later Or don't interrupt him At half time or anything Okay right No Well, I guess I'll talk to him later. Or don't interrupt him at halftime or anything. Okay, right. No worries. So I watch all the reserves.

And then there's a break because of seniors. And then it's like, okay, so where's the coach? Oh, he's gone in to talk to the seniors. I'm like, oh, okay. Is he the, I don't know. Is he the coach of them as well? Or what? Is he coaching too?

Anyway, they come back. Oh, he's playing in the seniors. Hang on a minute. When do I fucking talk to this guy? Do I have to hang around? You've messed with a real powerful man yeah yeah yeah he's yeah so then i'm there i'm there's eddie mcguire he's been hosting dalesford who wants to be a millionaire meanwhile meanwhile people are people are walking past and people that like there are some people that remember me and whatever and they're walking past do people

really remember you from the team 20 years ago? Yeah, because there were some people that were around that were like, support the team or played or whatever it was and I've gone up there to be honest

in shorts and full boots and everything I'm just walking around Oh, that is really sad Oh, no So they've come up

with your shiny boots Yeah, yeah and so they're walking past and the thing is I kind of think oh, sort of giving it away

they're clearly going to walk past and see me in the boots kind of think, oh, I've sort of given it away here. They're clearly going to walk past and see me in the boots and go, oh, you're playing today. Great, you're back. Instead, they've walked past, seen me in the boots and the shorts and gone, so where have you come from? Like I've done something else before. At no stage has anyone guessed that I could possibly play again.

They're just looking at me going, oh, are you getting changed soon? Or what's happening? Costume party down the road? You cosplaying as Cal Chandler from 20 years ago? Did you drive up with your boots on? Yeah, yeah. Did you tell your wife, hey, I'm just going to go play a game of soccer?

No, I said I'm going up to sign up. They've asked me to come back up. I'm going up. I'm now an open mic soccer player. I'm going up to sign up. They've asked me to come back up. I'm now an open mic soccer player. I'm going up to sign up. It is there are a few people that would like for a while would like drive down from Ballarat or whatever to sign up at like open mics

and then potentially not get on and drive home. Yes. And we'd be like, God, imagine being that sad. That's me. Or that hungry. Or that hungry. Or that ambitious. I'm waiting for hours to meet this coach.

And so people are, in the meantime, I'm talking for hours to meet this coach and so people in the meantime I'm talking to people that were around the club back then and I'm literally going okay so what's happened in the last 20 years

fill me in on the goss or whatever and you know they're at a new ground they've got new club rooms they've got this all these new sort of things and they're telling me

about the bizarre history of the goings on between when I was playing 20 years ago and now so which included everyone's been really happy and positive our history of the goings on between when I was playing 20 years ago and now. So, which included... Everyone's been really happy and positive.

No! It's been great for the culture of the club. Can't put our finger on it, though. No, no. It's easy to get a spot. I'd take anyone. I'd just walk up, beautiful logo, it's really given us a lot of confidence. logo it's really

good so a couple years after I left the team was decimated because there was

still in mourning a bunch of players after the game went out the back

of the club rooms to smoke marijuana the club president walked around

the back and saw them and banned half the team they had a big

meeting the AGM which was two people and they banned half the team. Banned them for... They'd had a big meeting, the AGM, which was two people. And they banned half the team for five years. Shit. And so... Are you joking about them being the most relaxed team in fucking history? That really works.

Exactly. Imagine banning somebody in Dales for smoking drugs. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I've got to be honest, I'm still pretty tense after the mineral spring. Joints feel fine, but their hands are fucking nightmare. So then that half of the team went, fuck this, and then poached the other half of the team

and took them all to Castlemaine. Is that the arch nemesis? Well, it's like a team across the way a little bit. It's not even the same league. It's like away a little bit, another country town. Which, incidentally, I once trained for, and then when we got there, I don't know if I've ever talked about this before,

my friend played for them, and we got there, I don't know if I've ever talked about this before, my friend played for them and we got there, we trained for the Castlemaine team and they was like, oh, should we play for Castlemaine? And then we found out the entire Castlemaine team back then, 20 years ago, was the prison team. Oh, wow. There's a prison in Castlemaine. It's like Mean Machine.

Yeah, they were out on day release And so they would play That was just their exercise They didn't even like soccer They would just come out to train and play And escape Yeah The play against the most relaxed team ever

They won't even notice them running away And jumping into their cars They were just buying off the Dalesford team And then bringing it back into the prison yeah using that as currency yeah

which it's all I trained with and then we found out there was a prison team and then we watched I watched this

guy one time we were doing laps at night and he literally just was looking the other way and he ran into the goal

post and like he clanked his head into the goal post and I started pissing myself and the guy turned around

and I was like I'm fucking dead this guy's gonna fucking kill me so anyway they were being poached to go so you've got an enemy

in jail now as well well yeah anyway that was hopefully they don't remember that but anyway so that's 20 years ago so what happened

then was they Dalton didn't have a team so for 5 years or so they were like had nothing and they were like scraping their way back into the league and getting players and whatever.

And my friend said he came back to the team and they used to play short. So they were like, you know, fuck. I mean, imagine that was a position now. I could walk into the fucking team. They used to play what? Shorts? Well, no, they used to play with not enough players. They didn't have enough players at all.

So they were like playing one. When my friend went back to play, there was only 10 players instead of 11 and he said including in the 10 players was like a bunch of like young kids like they're really young playing in the seniors they had to get plus a girl they got a girl to play in the men's seniors but the thing was the girl was a young mother so she went on to play and and she started lactating on the field and then they lost the game because all the kids freaked out.

Really? She was leaking milk on the field. Down your wall? Down your balcony wall? No. Everyone around you, including you, shit just comes out of their body when you walk in. You shit. Dogs piss. Everyone around you Including you Shit just comes out of their body

When you walk You shit Dogs piss Women lactate So I currently can't get into the team That has lactating players But anyway Like that urban legend

Of the brown note That makes people shit themselves Carl Chandler's the physical form of that You see him You expel some kind of fluid. I wasn't in the team at this point. I wasn't in the team at this point. So that was some of the highlights of the history

since I left in the 20 years between. So I still haven't... Yeah, so it gets... I can't find the codes. The codes are fucking gone by now. So I just drive home again. I'm like, all right, well, I've talked to enough people around the place.

I've shown my face. I've done the I was cheering I was barricading for the team were you really cheering yeah

they win no they lost 5-0 the seniors lost 5-0 the reserves lost 2 or 3-0 so yeah

you come back a bad omen you drive up thinking this is pretty sad and then you drive back going wow

it ended up being even sadder than it was so I've driven back and I've messaged my mate to see what the

final score was because I left before the end so I messaged him to go

oh I had to go and he said oh no I think you played

better than that you guys were great you didn't deserve five even though I didn't see the second half played better than that. That was, you guys were great. It was really good. Like a four star review. Yeah, I said, you guys were, oh, you didn't deserve five,

even though I didn't see the fucking second half. You had to beat the traffic. Yeah, yeah. Sunday night out of Dalesford, bumping a bumper. Bumping a bumper

on the Western Highway. So then, I've thought I've said all the right things and whatever, you know, oh no, it was great

and what a culture and what a club room what a culture yeah yeah you are like a reviewer it's like look people around me weren't laughing

but I liked it yeah yeah yeah exactly exactly and then it's all back and forth all back and forth yeah yeah great so then I've gone bang

so what do you reckon could I come up and get a seat on the reserves bench next week next week or maybe even the week after maybe

oh no no left me on absolute red wow so 14 hours of being left on red as we speak oh shit

so did you meet him there as well yeah yeah he was there he was there so he saw you there all kitted up yeah he was playing and yeah

do you want to send a reply now just how about this one how about this one as a follow up what a reply to myself yourself yeah as a follow up? What a reply to myself As a follow up Just the question mark

The saddest follow up message of all time Oh no Do I do that? Really devastating when you find yourself Having to fire off one of them But that's a bit aggressive That's a bit aggressive Is it aggressive or is it the opposite?

No it's question marks You're sad Right right I'm from the ATO. How old are you? How old are you? How old are you? No.

Leave me on read. I can't get a game. I can't get a game. How old are you? That's a second retirement if I say I'm from the ATO. How old are you? So you didn't get to speak to the coach? No. I couldn't speak to him. I was there the whole fucking time you? So you didn't get to speak to the coach? No

I couldn't speak to him I was there the whole fucking time I couldn't speak to him Why couldn't you just go up to him Between meetings or something? Between meetings? Between his several meetings So you have no idea what you've said to him

I want to know what What you've said to him 20 year grudge Huh? Where is this yearbook? Can we I'll find it Well look

If this bloke ever replies to me I can what you write about these things were obviously jokes were they yes I think so he's obviously

got a great sense of humour this guy his jokes might have been harsh like your girlfriend is really ugly that mole in her face is blah blah blah I wouldn't have said that

I wouldn't have said that because the thing is like I said this guy was playing in the juniors at the time so for whatever reason I that because the thing is like I said this guy was playing in the juniors at the time so for whatever reason I'm roasting the juniors

who I've never even fucking met for some reason right okay well I don't think this ends with you trying to join the team you should be joining the

opposition team and then smashing the shit out of him on field well see this is now that's a good point see if I can't get into them the thing is that in this

league in the go to prison join Castle Main no they don't but they don't play Castle Main go shit this league... Go to prison. Join Castle Main. No. But they don't play Castle Main. Go shit in the grass again. They don't play Castle Main. How's this? Okay. So if they won't have me, here's this. You know who's

playing in the same league as Dalesford? Maribor, my hometown. Hey! My hometown Maribor. Are they shit? They're about... I looked at the... This is like one of those movies You know I looked at the table

At the ladder They're neck and neck The Dalesford reserves And the Maribor reserves Are neck and neck What would your in be With Maribor? Hi

I'm in the Hall of Fame Of Dalesford Okay And I've got an axe to grind You want to beat them? I know the coach I know what gets to him But that's the thing

My in My in for Maribor is I used to live here when I was 16 Yeah Oh no but you know what I played for I used to live here I played for Maribor under 14s

And I held records for under 14s Okay So maybe that's my in Are there any yearbooks in Maribor That you've trashed potential coaches in I doubt there's any records of anything Be honest Why did you leave when you were 16 Were you chased out Or were you forced out Mary Barra that you've trashed potential coaches in I doubt there's any records of anything be honest why did you leave

when you were 16 were you chased out were you forced out no because they didn't have any seniors like you had to go to Ballarat to play the next step or whatever

are you on the wall there was no wall what we're trying to get at is like just tell us what we might found out later because we can't back you on this unless you're completely clean

it's like someone getting a job in the media. Look, you've done stuff in the past. You've just got to know where the skeletons are so you can clean them out. I've deleted the tweets, you know,

so. Okay, so maybe that's the next thing. You probably need to call them actually. So Maribor played Dalesford in about four weeks time or something. So maybe, if I can't get anything out of that,

I go silent and the next thing they see is me turning up on the pitch of Dalesford in the Maryborough Green. Yeah, and you turn up holding their outfit and you burn it on the pitch.

Right. But I think you can't call up Maryborough and just say, I want to join the team. It's not a charity. They're not giving you the spot because they're nice. You've got to tell them

why they need you. Yeah. If they want to beat Dalesford. Well, I do, you know, I did ask about the Maribor team when I was there on the weekend. And I was like, oh yeah, I can't believe

that you guys are playing Maribor. Because I was excited. I was thinking, I get to play my hometown. Little did I know that might be the flip of that in the end. But I said, what's their team like?

It's like, oh, they're all kids. They're all kids. Sounds like someone needs an old head on the team. Yeah, sounds like. I think, I think. Seniority. I someone needs an old head on the team. Yeah, sounds like... I think... Seniority. I think Daylesford is dead to you. Yeah.

Or you're dead to Daylesford. Yeah. So I think the process starts now. You contact Mirabara. The only risk is that they've blackbooked you across the region. Yeah, and that's a massive... It's probably likely, to be honest. Yeah, yeah.

But you promise them that you get a busload of listeners. Yes. Imagine that. The canteen is going to go off. It's going to go off. but you promised them that you get a bus flight of listeners yes imagine that the campaign is going to go off it's going to go off we'll all buy the outfits whatever souvenirs

they've got yeah yeah the Maribor merch they won't be into watching the sport but they'll be hammering the campaign the Costa Moe

Comedy Festival is done but how about the Maribor we'll all go there yeah the Maribor Soccer slash Podcast Festival Maribor Soccer Festival Soccer Podcast Festival yeah alright alright okay the Maryborough we'll all go there yeah the Maryborough soccer slash podcast festival Maryborough soccer festival

soccer podcast festival yeah alright alright okay but also you've got to get in quick before they start the rumours against you

from um right they'll be working against you oh Dale's for smear campaign there might be some rumours from my

my deeds in the under 14s league it's really like you do live your life in a bit of a way of like ah just whatever about this person like who gives a fuck if they get mad and then it's really like you do live your life in a bit of a way of like ah just whatever about this person

like who gives a fuck if they get mad and then it's like as you're learning it's like you know when you start out in learning's a strong word yeah people will say

be nice to the person with the clipboard because everyone you know they climb the ladder and you've gotten away with it for 45 years and now the chickens are coming home to roost

well you just you need to commit to you need to promise to you need to promise that you've changed because if we're going to back you can't go there and start shitting on the other players and writing mean things about them

are you going to do that are you going to start saying nice things well we don't we don't know I get the impression even if he gets back he's not going to be writing the yearbook

yeah yeah we're frisking you and making sure you've got no pens or anything for writing when you turn up. All right, all right. So that's the aim.

I'll find out what's happening. Get drafted by Maryborough. Poached. Maybe you've just got to go there. Don't even approach someone. Just casually be playing soccer, doing all your soccer tricks just somewhere adjacent. And if someone spots you, you're like,

hey, check out that kid yeah check out that undiscovered 45 year old a real Marilyn Monroe in the drugstore moment doing your soccer tricks doing your soccer tricks

he's at the back of the club or he's bouncing a soccer ball on his head while he's giving somebody a handjob that's the kind of moxie we need on this team. Carl's turning his soccer tricks again. Yeah, that's a Dalston soccer trick.

Bouncing the ball in my head giving someone a handjob. Or in Maribor, bouncing the ball in my head while smoking meth. All right. Well, yeah, that's something to work on. Did we get a response from the... We have got a response from the ATO. Oh, we do. Is this the ATO?

He says... What? So this is the trail of text. Yeah. Is this car from low level? How old are you? Me saying, is this the ATO?

Him or her saying, who is this? I do not know the number. Oh my God. Oh, what? What's going on here? Hang on, but... You just gotta...

Maybe just say, this is Carl from the lower level. Yeah, you just start sending his messages back to him. Yeah, say, it's Carl from the lower level. FYI, I'm married. I'm married. Wink. How old am I? Do I say, I'm Carl, I'm 45?

Do I give up the... No, I'm going to say, I'm Carl from the lower level. I'm married the... No, I'm going to say I'm Carl from the lower level. I'm married. FYI, I'm married. P.S. How old are you? Right, okay. Yeah, there we go. Yeah, yeah.

This could be a new friendship. Could be. Could be a new relationship. Could be a new marriage. This could be the third host of the Dum Dum Club. The Dum Dum Dum Club. Ten years in, dropping a new third host. I can't even remember

the Dum Dum Club before Clive Clive I think we're getting into it where should I start oh don't none of the episodes

pre-Clive they really hit their stride he's from Daylesford as well they really hit their stride 11 years in when Clive joined the show Clive wasn't allowed into Thailand though

he had some history he's been great in Gazoo but he actually made the show Clive wasn't allowed into Thailand though he had some history he's been great kazoo but he actually made the show better Tommy and Carl and Clive yeah I don't mind it

alright we better wrap it up alright so is that I'm Carl from Lowell Level I'm 45 I'm married is that the message

yeah what is it how old are you that's it it's same sense how quickly did they send that because obviously

you didn't bring it it wasn't checking it was a little bit back so in our saying goodbye

I don't think we'll well we never know yeah we had better wrap it up because I

believe Pete you've got an appointment to go to the wrong address of I've got to get back to

my car and there's a shoe for another wedding so he's going to get out of here

make sure I get plenty of water alright yeah Peter Nazeem thank you very much for joining us

as you mentioned Nazeem you've got the pineapple project you can see me at Spleen on Monday nights you've got a

residency signing up for my new soccer club I'm starting Spleen football club anything else

you want to plug have you got shows coming up no nothing I don't know maybe second half of the year we'll see what happens see how this COVID thing goes yeah

you'll be at the basement comedy club with your wife pretty soon I'd say Friday Saturday nights yeah great that's where comedy gets up to scratch

yeah Pete you've got your that's where comedy gets up to scratch that's when my comedy gets up to scratch oh I thought you thought that was our motto that's a great one where comedy Gets up to scratch That's when my comedy Gets up to scratch That was our motto That's a great one though

Where comedy gets up to scratch I mean it's true You have a lot of drop ins Around comedy festival time People getting their comedy Up to scratch Pete you've got your podcast You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet

And this week's episode Or one of this Recent episode Recent episode Stars yourself Tommy Dasolo It's called You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet You've been invited Don't get me started recent episode recent episode stars yourself Tommy Dasolo you ain't seen nothing yet

you've been invited don't get me started you ain't seen nothing yet ask me how old I am he's not an invite I even know the movie that you actually

said you hadn't seen oh is it it's probably the one that my wife is like I can't believe you haven't seen Scarface Scarface

and or The Godfather The Godfather Luke McGregor's on The Godfather so he can't do that but Tommy did The Shining you have guests on who haven't seen a movie that's a big

a classic movie cultural they watch it and we chat about it I did that in anal addict 69 I did that complete lie I'd seen it

but anyway bit of a cheat I was going to say pretty quickly that you'd seen it so yeah you won't see nothing yet how to stay married

on template the season 3 is just wrapped up and I've got gigs I've got the project you're on the project

I'm on the project check that out and I'm doing a show in Brisbane actually really fingers crossed on the 22nd

doing two shows one show sold out so we've added another one 22nd July in Brisbane 22nd July in Brisbane I'm doing Canberra Comedy Festival that's shows one show is sold out so we've added another one 22nd of July in Brisbane 22nd of July in Brisbane I'm doing Canberra Comedy Festival

that's the one show Canberra Canberra Canberra when? I can't oh shit shout out to your manager

who listens to this oh god it's coming up guys look this is the last bit of the podcast fucking hell this is insane September

they're going. I just got the text back from this person. I said, I'm Carl from lower level. I'm 45. I'm married. He said, okay. And what was your question for me again? I deleted your message when it first came through because I didn't know the number.

What the fuck is going on? What is going on? What's going on? Send the screenshot back to this person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got to finish this fucking podcast. Yeah, this is going to have to be a cliffhanger. We'll dive back into this text message next week.

Fuck you. All right. All right, guys. Thanks very much for joining. We'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Oh, big ep.

Lots of fun there. Bumper. Lots of stuff to chew on there and figure out what the fuck I'm going to do next. That's interesting. That's very much flipped around within an hour of me begging to get on at Dalesford and now me going, am I just abandoning that and going, to my wife's delight, even further away to play soccer. Yes.

Maribor. And also two stories that ended with you just having to send insane texts to people. Yeah. Bit of a phone hacks crossover this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send him this. What a life. Yep.

Yeah, look, at the very least, the thing I've been saying to my wife is, hey, if I'm going to play for Dalesford, you can come up and go to the spas and all the nice little shops and boutiques and stuff in Dalesford. Okay, change your plan. Don't say her name. We're going to Maryborough. You can go to the fish and chip shop. Yeah, you couldn't drop her off in Dalesford on the way

and then you just keep going? I don't know if you've ever met another person before, but I don't think they're going to like that. It's like another hour away or something. I don't think she's going to want to be on foot with a child in Dalesford for a couple of hours. No, I mean she stays in Dalesford and then you walk from there to Marymount. Oh, okay.

You're the one on foot. That's more likely. That's more likely. Can't see her having too many objections to that. No, no. So, yeah. Man, that's going to be interesting. As we said at the top of the show, lots of live dates or lots of big live dates.

Some great shows that we've got coming up. Live dates or lots of big live dates. Yeah. Some great shows that we've got coming up. The soonest one is Brisbane, as you said. That's August the 7th. August the 7th. That is, as time of release, that is either sold out or literally one or two tickets left. That's all there is.

So get into that. Very unusual shaped venue. So very much looking forward to the fun we're going to have there. Yep. That's going to be great. Seats where people are up looking at our little fannies, they cost more, right? Because they're getting a view of the goods.

Weirdly enough, they're the ones that are still there. Well, they're getting the best view. You know, they're getting to get a load of our sweet ham. It's going to be interesting because there's all the seats in front of us, the traditional boring old type of seats where you're just in front of the stage. Wow, your granddaddy seats. They're all gone. Then there's upstairs.

They're all gone. Then there's upstairs but behind us. So you're looking down from behind us which is you're sort of part of the show at this stage. I dare say you're going to get a fair bit of referencing too. Yeah, it would look cool in photos, a bit of a nightmare to but it almost seems like it's a venue that's been designed thinking you know what a year of covid people haven't been to the theater they forget how it's meant to look they forget where you're meant to be sitting i would say it's almost

perfectly designed for people that sort of have to go to the show but really couldn't give too much of a fuck about what's going on yeah that can be the partners section yes partner buy your wife a ticket in that area yeah they can be on their phone doing whatever we can't see them who cares that's like the chair outside the shoe shop of the live podcast exactly yeah yeah so if you bring your butt plus one they get you know you don't think they're going to get into it that much you can chuck them up there or if you're just really into drinking you don't really or if you don't really just don't think they're going to get into it that much, you can chuck them up there. Or if you're just really into drinking, you don't really... Or if you really just don't like our faces. Yeah.

Yeah, you can go and sit up there. It's the sort of venue that's been designed to look good in like a Def Leppard music video. Yeah. You know, like a live... But you could picture a band there. Right. You know, great visual of like the balcony

like behind them. Yeah, yeah. Look great on camera. Yeah, instead of just a boring curtain, you see some people really get into it. uh if you have got a seat there already or if you're about to buy those last remaining tickets um make sure you're really rocking it out as you're listening to our comedy podcast the entire time so when it comes up in the in the photos for socials it's going to look like a fucking humdinger of a show this is our U2 360 moment. We're going to have to do every now and then,

just go and give one zinger to the cheap seats. Oh, man. We should just give those tickets for free to hot people. Just to say, look at the little fuckheads that come to see our show. Look at these supermodels. Who's the biggest influencers in Brisbane? We should be giving them a lot of that. Yeah, get some famous TikTokers or whatever. Is there any supermodels that Who's the biggest influencers in Brisbane? We should be giving them a lot of that. get some famous TikTokers or whatever.

Is there any supermodels that live in Brisbane? Do we want to play to them? Do we want to consider having us and the guests all sitting on some kind of Lazy Susan situation so that we're

all kind of like slowly rotating so that we get a little view every now and then? Put it this way, I've seen the numbers, it's like 130 tickets front of stage,

20 tickets behind so we're rotating half the gig we're not facing the bulk of the people of the audience or we just swivel ourselves maybe twice

throughout the gig you shouldn't get nothing you should get something we'll work it out yeah we've got plenty of time to plan our rotating schedule

for the gig we're working at we're doing stand up as well so as part of the show. So we can chuck a few jokes just to the back of the room, literally. Yep, yep. Yep, yep.

Okay, that's exciting. Well, that's a bit of a... Anyway, like we said, August 14, that's the one that's been coming forever. Yeah. That's the 500th episode, despite the fact you're now listening to the 550-something. 561, I believe this is, yeah.

So very overdue. Long awaited I would say instead of overdue. Canceling what I just said but a few seconds ago. And so you've been holding on your tickets for ages. Some of you have been wondering whether it's going to happen or not. So this is your time. It's happening. There's like literally a couple dozen tickets left in a huge, huge room.

The biggest room we've ever played. It's going to be heaps of fun, a real landmark episode. Yeah. So make sure you gobble up those last remaining little tickets. We'd love to actually technically say we've sold out the Athenaeum. Yes. We'll fucking say it anyway, but it'd be nice to actually do it. Little showbiz trick.

Yeah. Everything where people are like completely sold out, tour or whatever. Yeah. It's like maybe 1% of those are actually true, where they did sell every single ticket. A lot of people that do the Comedy Festival, oh, all sold out. No, it wasn't. You're just saying it. A few holds there as well.

A few comps. Yeah. You know what? There's a job. Anyone looking for a job, there should be a job there that's following up on whether people are sold out or not. Yeah. Like a media watch of comedy festival posters. Numbers.

Yeah. What a job. Media watch for comedy festival show attendees. Yeah. That wasn't sold out. There was two left. There was two left in that 600 seat. That's inside baseball.

Yeah. And of course, inside baseball. Yeah. And of course, after that. Yeah, we'll be in Perth October the 9th, I believe. We know how that works.

Yep. We've still got some tickets left for that. Yep. We've played that gig about eight times now. Yeah. Not heaps and heaps

of tickets left, but there are a few tickets. That'll sell close to the thing. That's fine. That's fine. Just sit on that. Of course, like we said at the start

of the show, the Great Australian Podcast Festival. Very exciting in that... Big weekend of shows down at the Palais Theatre in St Kilda. That's it. Heaps of friends of the show. You've got Tofop. You've got Midflight Brawl.

You've got Ursula Carlson and her podcast. You've got Do Go On. Yeah. So many great shows. Yeah, and we're on the Saturday afternoon Saturday 5pm yes we have picked

our own spot basically and we thought you guys would like Saturday afternoon because we know you like to get out of the house

and have a few drinks and also they wouldn't give us 8.30 Saturday night so yeah what is on 8.30 Saturday night I don't know TOEFL

someone else okay yeah not us they did give us a few options of some hours where I went. I literally went, our people won't want to drink at that time, so let's not do that time. Yep.

So that's perfect time for me, I think, late afternoon on Saturday, and then you're out in St Kilda. Yeah. After the show. That's pretty fun. You've just organised this so that you can still get into Basement Comedy Club to run it and not have to pay someone else to do it for you. I actually didn't think of that.

I was more... That is good. I was more thinking of beers in St Kilda on a Saturday night. No, it will be fun. And especially... I was more thinking of drunken mad mouse escapades. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should have the after party at Luna Park.

Yeah. See if we can book out the Gravitron. Yeah. But especially nice too because, yeah, this is being run by our friends over at Live Nation who recently had both of us do some support slots for Russell Howard, that tour that they put on in the Palais Theatre. So it was awesome to do that theatre and, you know, be in there pretty recently, have a bit of a view of how it feels in there.

Very exciting to get to do our own thing on that big, big stage. Also, look, again, a bit of inside comedy, but we don't have management. Like, we run everything ourselves. So nice to be part of something where someone else has to fucking do everything. Yes. We're put down there. Someone else did the poster. Someone's put our name on the poster.

We don't have to do anything admin-wise until we fucking rock up. Yeah, really great. Pretty good. Really great. Pretty good. We're living like normal people for us. Showbiz professionals. Yeah.

It literally won't be me and Tommy on the door marking your name off the list when you walk into the ballet unless something goes insanely wrong. Yeah, this and the, like we're organising the Perth gig, but the Perth gig is one of the only things we've ever put on where we're not running the tickets. And thank God that it's not us having to deal with the logistics of that having moved about four times now. So, yeah, we're moving up in the world.

The Palais Theatre, yeah, in November, it's going to be, yeah, it's going to be really fun. So, yeah, get a ticket to that and, yeah, book, you know, camp on the beach. Camp on the beach for that weekend. Wow. Be walking across and checking out Will and us and mid-flight brawl and all that kind of stuff.

Yeah. It's going to be great. It is. It's been coming a long time to have a proper comedy podcast festival. And, look, to be honest, me and Milan talked about it a few years ago. Let's just do it ago let's just do it let's just do it and then it's like oh fuck i mean god it's so much admin i mean these are the people that should be doing it not me and milan imagine imagine how that would end up he was

one stage milan was trying to get me to to literally uh uh organize something like a podcast fest or something outside out near the west gate somewhere. Great. Out that way. Yeah. I was like, oh, yeah, it'd be good. You get food trucks out there and whatever. I'm like, sounds like a fucking nightmare. Yeah. Well, and also this is a long time coming in the sense that I don't think they would mind us saying this.

When we first signed on to do this, it was going to be November last year. Oh, yeah. We were in lockdown at the time. That's right. I think they floated it in between, like after the first lockdown, it was like, we are going to be back in business by the end of this year, fellas. Yeah. And then it's taken a little bit longer, but yeah,

awesome that it's finally actually happening. Yeah. And also, Palais Theatre, what a joint. Yeah. What a venue. Yeah. What a crazy thing for us to be doing our little show at one of the legendary – look, it's like the Athenoneum like we're talking about um doing the ath and doing the the palais two venues that i've

seen some of my favorite bands play at and all of a sudden we're our dumb little fancies are sitting on top of it pushing our little bullshit out onto people yeah very trying to think of shows that i've seen at the palais uh leon bridges, The National, John Mayer and Pete Murray. And Pete Murray, I stood by the stage door and waited to get a photo with him after the gig. Oh, I went and saw Elvis Costello and got a photo in the car park with him. Yeah, that's kind of, you know, that's kind of a cool person to get a thing with, like Pete Murray, like me as a 17-year-old boy.

Yeah, yeah. I saw Sugar Man oh yeah yeah what's his name what's that Rodriguez that's it

I saw a young girl jogging in a Rodriguez t-shirt the other day like just apart apart from the fact she was about 17

18 or something the other fact that jogging in a tour t-shirt is always weird but particularly jogging in a Rodriguez tour t-shirt is always weird. Yeah. Particularly jogging in a Rodriguez. Rodriguez, yeah.

Tour t-shirt. Still repping him. I might watch that again soon because my girlfriend's never seen it. And also doesn't know, still, in spite of it being out for a long time, doesn't know the story. Doesn't know that he's back out there. Yeah. So it's like, okay, you'll actually be.

If the movie first came out, you could be like, really get caught up in it. She's still like everyone in South Africa. She thinks she's dead. Yeah. Yeah, right. Yeah, she's got a lot in common with some of the people in South Africa. Oh, yeah, right, right.

Well, yeah, I mean, I can see what colour people she likes by who she's going out with. Yeah, I'm always reminding her of that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Well, that's all the big live show news. That's very fun. That's genuinely exciting.

Genuinely, all very exciting gigs in terms of can't wait to finally get the Perth thing. Brisbane's a fucking delight to go to. And two huge exciting theatre gigs for Melbourne. Two big theatre hometown shows. Yeah. Very nice. Yeah, fuck. gigs for melbourne so big two big theater hometown shows yeah very nice yeah fuck yeah actually um that that is that is i hadn't really thought about this but i never really organized like plus ones

or anything for people i know or whatever because people don't really give a fuck i guess but it's literally a thing i should get my folks down to and people like that yeah for sure here i'm at the fucking palais big time um yeah that'd be great. So get along to that, especially a bunch of you guys that like to listen to more than one podcast. You can come and do a whole day's worth or two days' worth. Oh, yeah, there'll be a few people

who have their own personal indentation on a certain seat in the Palais Theatre. Yeah, the odd regular. Great, okay. Well, all that shit's at our website if you don't want to pick it apart and go through the internet individually. Yep.

LittleDumbDumbClub.com where you can also find a link to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub if you'd rather go there direct. That's true. Yes, you can support the show and we very much appreciate that. You're keeping the lights on here in at Dumb Dumb HQ and you can can also, you get two bonus episodes every week with great guests. They've been a lot of fun lately. People really enjoy them. By the way, Talking Gibbo has been held over to next week.

The episode went long this week. This is going to go long. So we'll get back to Talking Gibbo next week. This is the hierarchy is that sometimes the boys at Little Dumb Dumb Club eat into Talking Dumb Dumb. And then sometimes the Talking Dumb Dumb boys eat into, it Dum, and then sometimes the Talking Dum Dum boys eat into it. It's a knock-on effect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're here at Talking Dum Dum. We're already having to cut it short because Little Dum Dum Club went long. And what happens in that case is Talking Gibbo just gets jettisoned. Yes. So I hope those boys will forgive us. Yep. But, hey, that gives them another week to cook up some fantastic Gibbo news. Oh, and some meals.

And some fantastic treats, yeah. And inevitably getting to the pathway of having Belle Gibson live on stage at the Palais Theatre as part of Talking Gibbo. Giving us haircuts. Yes. Oh, yeah, we should have lobbied. Cutting out hair and tumours. Yes, we should have lobbied with the Great Australian Podcast Festival to have a little dum-dum club and then talking dum-dum and talking gibbo. Yeah. Or get a spot on the festival.

On the poster. It's a package deal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be sneaking it in there. If anyone wants to Photoshop that up for us, a little edit, that would be great. But yes, the Patreon, yeah, two episodes a week, two little bonus mini episodes a week with great guests and most importantly, the chance to have your name read out

and immortalised in this segment of the show. And we have the UTA here. It has made it over to the new address. Yep. I wasn't here for the move, but how did they handle it? How did your moving company handle the behemoth that is the UTA? Yeah, wrapped in a couple of blankets. It went into the truck last because it's kind of the most valuable thing.

Had to take out extra insurance on it. Yeah. It wouldn't fit in any of the doorways because it's so wide. Right. So I had to like break apart the skylight and get a crane and kind of lower it in. Fat person style. Yes. Right.

Yes. Okay. Gilbert Grapes mum style. The Gilbert Grapes mom of technology yeah no she didn't get she doesn't get it no she she just burns to death in the house right okay right yeah okay so we learned from that we learned from yeah well that's what i'm gonna i'm not doing that again so when i move from this house i'm torching it with the UTA inside. So maybe, you know, like the UTA, that's the technical name. Right. Okay.

So maybe like Deep Blue, you know, when they invented Deep Blue to take on Kasparov in the chess. Yep. Maybe we can nickname the UTA Mrs. Grape. Okay. Yes, Mrs. Grape. Mrs. Grape. All right, great. Okay.

All right. All right. So let's fire up Mrs. Grape. Yeah, I don't mind this at all. Thank God we finally found something that's less clunky than, say, UTA. It's a bit of a tongue twister almost. It's a bit boring. And I feel like we're friends with Mrs. Grape, with the UTA,

so it feels a bit more homely. Is there a Mr. Grape? Clearly there wasn't. Okay, let's crack open Mrs. Grape. Okay, let's crack open Mrs. Grape. Yeah, let's crack open Mrs. Grape. That doesn't sound right. Okay, first cap off the rank this week. Thank you very much to all Patreon subscribers.

But in particular this week, these newbies, in terms of the read, they've been hanging around for a while, but their lucky number has finally come up. Thank you very much. To Patreon subscriber, Denny Scutz. Fuck off. I couldn't have got a clunkier name. Did you make this up?

Has Mrs. Great been damaged in the movie? You're supposed to have, I don't think you've got one real name. We're in my house. You typically, you sit there before we do this and you get these off the internet. At no point did you ask me for the Wi-Fi. Off the UTA. No, the internet connected to the UTA. At no point have you asked me for the Wi-Fi password.

Have you just made up five names? Is this like you would be yearbooked 20 years ago in Dallas? I thought maybe you wouldn't know your internet yet. That early on, I thought I'll just toggle off my own phone. But yeah, maybe the- Denny Scuts. Maybe I'm not getting good reception in here. And the lack of reception has just made up a name.

But apparently, those are both names. Denny Scuts. S-C-U-T-T-S. Oh, you know how I was picturing it in my head? What? S-K-U-T-Z. Oh, like some sort of, like a Bratz doll. Yeah, yeah.

Like some sort of little cool, like someone's tried to make Scuts cool for the 21st century. Yeah, exactly. Scuts. 21st century. Scutsy. I've got to look up Denny Scuts. I've got to look up to see any form of verification that that is actually a name in the world. Yeah, Denny, I don't know if I've ever heard.

But speaking of, while you're looking that up, speaking of my internet, absolutely devastating stuff in here. No NBN. NBN not rolled out yet in this suburb next to the city that I'm now living in. Yeah. And yeah, I am on a fucking painfully slow wireless mode of connection. Oh, really? Absolutely fucking brutal. And what happens?

What's happening from here? Well. Is there any way out? Nothing. Like when I spoke to the internet company, they were like, so how many people use the internet in the house? I'm like, oh, there'll be like two of us. And they were like, okay, what sort of stuff do you do on it?

I'm like, oh, you know, streaming, maybe the odd like big download. Not much gaming, but a little bit from time to time. And they're like, okay, this is the best we can do you do on it? I'm like, oh, you know, streaming, maybe the odd like big download, not much gaming but a little bit from time to time. They're like, okay, this is the best we can do you. And I was like, right, so I can't get anything stronger than that. And they're like, nah. I'm like, why did you ask me all the questions about what I'm using it for? It's like there's only one plan that they offer for this area. Right.

And they made me admit to fucking gaming with it. Well, you know what? You know, you know what? You're in a bit of a cool area of town. Is the assumption what? That you're near pubs, you don't need the internet? Well, maybe they're, you know, a lot of people around here are more into this sort of like hipster.

This is hipster internet. This is old school internet. This is like 70s internet. Yeah, you're right. Okay. Yeah, this is kind of cool. This is like vinyl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. This is like vinyl internet. The is like 70s internet. Yeah, you're right. Okay. Yeah, this is kind of cool. This is like vinyl. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. This is like vinyl internet.

The vinyl of internet. There we go. Yeah, I mean, I went to, I got a new computer and I went to download Google Chrome onto it and the install file, it came up, it was like, this is going to take 45 minutes to download. And I was like, I can't be living like this. Yeah. So then I was just desperately looking up, like, how do you find out when the Nbn is going to be rolled out yeah and they soon is all i could you know what you know

what greens area right here you know left leaning area is this is this how i become is this how i become fully right wing this is they're gonna radicalize you you know they're not giving you any good internet because you're in a left leaningleaning area of town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. That's a good point. That's a really good point. Too many greenies around here. They're like, fuck you guys.

You can Google on your fucking artichoke. Yeah. On your bloody avocado. Yep, yep. I looked up Denny's Scouts. I just had to get verification that this is a name that an actual person can possess. Man, she looks cool. She?

Yeah. Whoa. Look. Okay. Look, this goes along with my theory. Good looking girl, name yourself whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't matter. Well, name yourself.

Well, you know, get away with the name. Get away with any sort of a name. Go by whatever. Good looking young ladies. Like all of a sudden, Denny Scuts. I'm starting to think that's a cool name instead of the absolute fucking garbage fire I thought three minutes ago. Yeah, I was picturing very scuzzy dude who lives around here to be honest. Someone on a tractor.

Someone fucking trying to chew on an uncooked carrot. Someone barely could figure out what the fucking internet was and just accidentally stumbled across this. One side of his head kind of like shaved in a fucked way where he's clearly done it like as a prank, like drinking the night before. You know, like a mate's gotten the razor out. Half an eyebrow hanging off. Yeah, that sort of shit. Yeah, I saw a guy,

I actually saw a guy in the cafe yesterday that I was like, now I think of it, it's like that's Denny's guts in my head. But yeah, this girl, she looks like, this is a very specific Melbourne reference, but yeah this girl she looks uh she looks like this is a very specific melbourne reference but kind of like you'd see working at like heartbreaker bar in the city you know like a cool dive bar she seems to be wearing a band t-shirt in every photo that you just showed me yeah um yeah yeah cool cool kind of yeah hey happy to have cool people

on board this show and on the patreon read Reid. Wow. Yeah. Awesome. Great. Not just listening, but paying money. Yeah. Wow. That's pretty rare. Honoured to have you, Denny. Thanks, Denny. Bring more of your kind on board.

Yes. Yes. Put a poster up in Heartbreaker. Sit in the front row of the Great Australian Podcast Festival. Come to Brisbane and be standing behind us. There we go. We need you in the photos in Brisbane. There we go.

Actually, we don't have the... I can't see what the – oh, no. I don't know what town she lives in. I shouldn't delve any deeper than I've already done. But anyway. Thanks, Danny. Thanks, Danny. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Another great name.

Here we go. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jenna Columbini. We finally got one of the Columbini families on board. Yes. I thought you were going to say Columbine. No. It's like, oh, no, we're going to have to riff about a fucking school shooting from 20 years ago. If any podcast could do that, it's this.

But no, Jenna Columbini, a made girl. What would our riff about Columbine be? We're bowling for her dollars. I don't know. Bowling for Columbine? Do you know that movie? Do you reckon there was anyone

when those shooters were going through the school that was like mid-sex ed? Oh! And they're having to like get under the desks and take cover and there's just like a kid there

with like terrified and he's got like raging heart. I need to know what happens after it goes in. What is the worst thing you could be doing at school mid-massacre? Yeah, you've ducked off to the Dunnies for a wink or something like that. Oh, yeah. Although you'd probably be pretty safe.

Pretty relaxed. Pretty safe, yeah. Pretty safe though. It just really feels not okay. I mean, we've riffed on some pretty dicey ones before, but I don't know if people will find this too much. That's all right. safe though. It just really feels not okay. I mean we've riffed on some pretty dicey ones before but I don't know if people will find

this too much. That's alright. I'm saying what's the you know it's life or lack of. What's the worst thing you could be

doing or the best thing you could be doing? That's life is a great outlook. Just like under the desk fearing for your life going

no that's life. Yeah. It is what it is. Fuck can I can I give you an update on the from the update from the regular episode? The bloke that... You don't want to hold this over?

You don't want to treat it as a true cliffhanger? No, just because I don't think it's like, you know, it's not a huge revelation or whatever. Okay. So where we left it was, I'm Carl, lower level, 45, I'm married. Okay, what was your question for me again? I deleted your message when it first came through because i did not know the number new message so what are you after carl can't you fucking message what is going on here i don't know i don't know what's this approach to text so he deleted your message but you'd sent it like five minutes so it's come

through and then he's deleted it you've got to just i think i can't remember who said it whether it was pete Nazeem, but screenshot of the exchange and send it and go, this is what's going on. All right. Here it all is. I'm not going to describe it to you. Here it is.

Here's the complete receipts. You tell me what's going on. Yeah. You asked me two questions first and now you flip the script and go, what are you after? It's pretty good. Fucking hell. God.

All right. I'm going to leave that. I've got to concentrate on this yeah jenna columbini oh yes columbini yeah yeah so uh yes a maid woman yes this is this isn't we might be getting some mafia dollars in here this is is this you know i feel like we've speculated before on this is laundering but yeah there's then they just don't get it back or maybe they've worked out a way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe they pay us the money. That means they get the bonus episodes and they're then selling those bonus episodes to someone else.

They're like, hey, we'll undercut you. Right. So really it's like they put in $10 a month. They're selling the feed to someone for $8 a month. Right. So they're losing $2. Right.

But they've now got clean money. Right. Okay. Right. So they're losing $2. Right. But they've now got clean money. Right. Okay. Okay. This is just hiding some sort of, you know, what is it in the Sopranos? Is this in the garbage business or something? Yeah. Yeah.

It's just a way of hiding money. It's a way of somehow, you know, I think somehow they're going to the accountant trying to convince the ATO that this is charity. Yeah. They can write this off because they play two minutes of us talking about a dog pissing on me. And they're going, clearly, mentally disabled. They're having a go. This is our contribution. That's what's going on.

That should be, that should have been our slogan from day one. Yeah. They're having a go. Technically a charity. We're having a go. That's what's going on That should be That should have been our slogan from day one Yeah They're having a go Technically a charity We're having a go It might not be good But a lot of the time Look we're getting out there

Tommy and Carl What else are they going to do? Yeah They're active in the community Yeah It gives them something to do once a week Yeah yeah yeah It's

There's been several conversations I've had with people where it's like where the the subject has basically been you know what what if you what if you said something wrong on the show and you got cancelled and then very quickly followed up by from what from what yeah yeah you've only got this yeah you're not you're not you're not keeping us off tv You're not keeping us off TV. You're not keeping us off our breakfast radio, Tommy and Carl in the mornings. Yeah. Yeah. It's nice to hear from someone else mid-sentence go, what if you... Oh, no, don't worry about that.

Yeah, it's the talent that's doing all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what a great name. I like Columbino. Yeah, it's called... Columbini. Columbini, sorry. Jenna Columbini.

Columbini. Columbini, Columbino. Yeah. Both good. If any Columbinos want to subscribe. Yeah, it's called. Columbini. Columbini, sorry. Jenna Columbini. Columbini. Columbini, Columbino. Yeah. Both good. If any Columbinos want to subscribe. Yeah. Columbini. Yeah.

One of those, you know, I don't know what I expect from the names of people that listen to this show, but Jenna Columbini is not what I expect. I wouldn't think in my wildest dreams that we'd ever have a Jenna that listens to this. I wouldn't have thought a Columbini. Like, look, a Danny Scuts, I'm like, I get it. When we were thinking it was some ratbag guy, it made sense. Some little fucking, you know, overcoat wearing fucking potential Columbine massacre person. And then all of a sudden it's like, good looking girl.

Now we've got Jenna Columbini, just an impressive name and potential. A gun for hire. I still, in my head, Danny Scutz I have as more of like a, yeah, just like an inner city little dirt bag. Like maybe it's his first time living at a home. I walked past a house on sunday morning at about 11 a.m when i was getting a coffee front door wide open screen door closed base just pumping from out the back of the house and i just went that there there is a i didn't even need to see

in the house i could just picture it clearly yeah the kind of scene going on in the back just a big kick on just a bunch of den's scutters in a room. No one said anything of value for hours. And it just made me really nostalgic because it was like, I will never do that again. I will never be sitting in a living room at 11am having not slept with loud music playing just on the gurn.

I kind of did want to pop in and just see like, what's the vibe? You know, just as a bit of a nostalgia trip. Yeah. But just five Denny's probably in there just chewing their faces off. Sorry, Jenna Columbini, for getting back into talking Denny scuts. Right in the middle of your read, but, you know, we're banding you both together because we're just impressed by both names.

Well, I also don't want to. We've got so many dud names on this show. I know, exactly. All of a sudden. Yeah, again, I'm sorry for bringing up Denny, but I also don't want to... We get so many dud names on this show. I know, exactly. All of a sudden. Yeah, again, I'm sorry for bringing up Denny, but I also don't want to speculate too much on Columbini because we're having a bit of a laugh. You know, we're speculating that this is some kind of, you know, mafia link.

I'm confirming. And that doesn't seem like a wise thing to do. Right. So I'm trying to... I don't think I can help myself. Right. So it's easy for me to just talk about a name from before rather than, you know, have the fucking concrete shoes on in a week's time.

This gets run up the flagpole of the Columbini empire. But what if she makes us made podcasters? Yes, okay. Yeah. What if all of a sudden this money comes in? We find out that the money's coming in from Columbini's, which then means you can never get out. You're in. That's true get out you're in that's true

you're in that's true all of a sudden we're doing private live podcasts to mobsters in king's cross yep we're all of a sudden it becomes like it's the it's the most it's the favorite podcast in the in the mobster community yeah all of a sudden we're dragging up Kappa to do podcasts. Yeah, but doesn't that then mean, so what, they fund us, and then we sort of have to be at their beck and call, right? Yes. It's like Artie Bucco in The Sopranos.

Tony's friend who runs the restaurant. Right. Who I think, I think he got the restaurant up because of some money from Tony, or he goes to borrow money from Tony at some point. Right. And then he can't make good on his repayment right right right so all of a sudden these general columbini and the family want this patreon dollars back and we're like oh we can't we can't we do they want it back or maybe they just go we don't want it back but you're

you're owned by us now it's a bit like yeah i guess i'm equating it a bit more with like the japanese mafia like the yakuza like that is like it's protection money right you have to do whatever you're owned by us now. It's a bit like, yeah, I guess I'm equating it a bit more with the Japanese mafia, like the Yakuza. That is like, it's protection money. You have to do whatever we say. I've been watching some Yakuza stuff recently. Are you a pronouncer? I can never remember.

I always thought it was Yakuza. Yeah, Yakuza or Yakuza. Anyway, the Yakuza. Am I doing the voice? Yeah, maybe you are. But I really think you would have a good time high up in the organisation of the Yakuza. Because famously, if you let down one of the higher-ups, you have to show that you're sorry.

Do you know how they do that? Hurry-curry? No. What? Put a little chopping board down. Hand on the... So you go, Mr Chandler, the patriarch, Chandler-san. I bombed at spleen and I'm very sorry. And then you would go, well, you know, if you're so sorry,

I need to see the proof. And that would be then I'd put my hand on the table, I'd bring out a little knife and just chop the pinky right off. If you wrong the patriarch, that's how you beg your forgiveness. Right. Chopping off a finger. Right. And I see that see that and i think god you would thrive in that environment oh i thought you're gonna say if we're if we're dealing with that all of a sudden after 10 episodes of this show we no longer have any digits on our hands yeah i mean you do watch it and you

go yeah i mean you've basically got i mean essentially you've got 10 fuck-ups in you. Yeah. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I mean, at that point, you're probably not any good in the, if you just got two stumps. Yeah. So realistically, you've probably got- All you're doing is fuck-ups after that. Yeah.

Because how can you fucking do anything good with just wrists? So you probably, you've got total of four. You could lose your pinky and then your finger next to that and still be able to do just enough stuff. You do a bit of claw with the three just enough yeah okay yeah all right good to know too easy two to play with losing both pinkies no big deal okay yeah but anyway columbini let us know mistakes yeah and you live with it okay thanks columbini thank you You live with it. Okay.

Thanks, Colombini. Thank you. Thank you, Don Colombini. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Okay. This is an interesting one. Now, someone, this is what happens sometimes. People on Patreon, they change their name to something else.

And they have a little bit of a joke. Yeah. And I, you know, I'd rather read out the person's name, to be honest. I don't want to play funny buggers. I'd like you to buy copies of funny buggers. Yeah. We don't want this to be like an open mic. We don't want you to just be sending gear for us to test. Yes.

And doing a bit of character comedy on the Patreon. But... You haven't been able to find out the actual name? No, but that's what I was going to say. You actual name no but that's that's what i'm gonna say you you go to the trouble of doing that and then you you leave your email yeah and it's like well there's your email okay at gmail.com right right so uh thank you very much to patreon subscriber dingus the corona bat aka ryan door Ryan, I'm showing you the door. Fuck off after that attempt.

D-O-R-E. Ryan, just show us the door. Show us your name, the door, instead of Dingus the Coronabat. Yeah. Come on, man. Don't let the door hit your unfunny ass on the way out. And also, you know, we have to be on this podcast. It's not Dingus the Corona Bat.

We have to be brand loyal to friend of the show Dave O'Neill and Wuhan the Corona Bat. His puppet that he seems to trot out on. He's basically Daryl at this point. He can't do anything without Ozzy. He brought it out on Spix. I think he brings it out every time he's on Chrissy, Sam and Brownie on Nova FM. I think he brings it out every time he's on Chrissy, Sam and Brownie on Nova FM.

Yes. He did it. Love that. Love that bit of puppet gear on a radio show. Bring the puppet to the radio. Yeah. Because he did it for one of our Zoom live shows last year. It was part of his corporate set that he was doing over Zoom.

Yeah. And then he's out of lockdown and he's just decided it's coming on the road. The bat's coming on the road with me. Yeah. Wuhan the bat. I really... coming on the road with me. Wuhan the bat. I really, I mean, everyone hopes this. Everyone hopes that the problems we're having in the world at the moment with this virus goes away ASAP.

For no other reason so that Dave can pathetically still be bringing around the Corona bat puppet thing going, hey, remember this? About seven years later when everyone's forgotten about it. It'd be great at the 500th airport, the ballet show, if we have like a little, like a box with like a black, you know, bit of cloth set up on it that ventriloquists, or not puppeteers will often sit behind. And people in the audience going like, oh,

they're going to have Randy as a guest or they're going to have Agro again. And then up pops O'Neill with Woo on the bat as a guest on the podcast. I like the idea of O'Neill popping up in 1991 at a stand-up gig and then going, hey, guys, remember this? And still popping out a big puppet of the Grim Reaper from the AIDS ads on TV. Doing a big bowling ball routine. Like, hey, guys, remember this? Oh, we'd rather sort of not, actually. It's a pretty grim reminder.

Could some other, yeah, some other great. I mean, I wonder if he had like a bird flu. Mad cow? Yeah, mad cow. He would have had a mad cow puppet. Mooey the mad cow. Yeah, yeah. Bird flu and just a parrot going, achoo, achoo.

Settle down, Tweety. Wuhan the bat. I do love it. It is fucking great. The naming of it especially. Just naming it after the place. Yeah. He spent all of two seconds there.

Love Dave. Yeah, Ryan Dore. Dingus the Corona Bat. Dingus the Corona Bat. Maybe you can go on tour together with Dave O'Neill. Oh. Yeah. And are we assuming what...

So Ryan dresses up as a bat. Oh, yeah. We don't... We have no reason to believe that he has a puppet based on this. Maybe that could be part of the reveal. Dave's got the little woo-hand bat puppet. And then be like oh don't don't upset little woohan or get his dad to come out and all of a sudden ryan door walks out in a huge bat costume yeah there we go coughing on the audience yeah yeah funny stuff and this is all happening in like you know

20 the year 2030 yeah at the w the Wangaratta RSL. Yeah. Corona's been done for like eight years, but Dave's still trotting it out. Yeah, at the most far away from his house gig you can possibly do. Yep. In front of some absolutely ambivalent audience. Yep. And Dave's still going pretty well.

Yep. And he's got a puppet and he's brought a guy along with him. Yeah. For one sight gag. Yes. Well, if anyone would do that, Dave O'Neill, big fan of some of the lesser talented comedians going around for whatever reason. I don't know.

I think he likes to surround himself with some Nuffies, I reckon. Oh, I thought you said Dave is one of the lesser talented comedians. No, no, no, no, no. What are you saying? Not at all. No, I know. Yes, yes. A Nuffy magnet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Which, you know, he's on the show a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't really love that, but anyway. Thanks, Ryan. Thanks, Ryan Dahl. Thanks, Ryan.

Let's see. The Jim Morrison of the Patreon read this week. The Dahl. The one Dahl we have. There we go. A little extra. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jake Budge. Jake Budge.

Yeah. I see this name pop up a fair bit on the socials. The old Budge smuggler. The old Budgerigar. That's where he keeps the dollars before he pulls them out, puts them in our bank account, right in the front there. A real dull budger. Yeah.

The budge smugglers, a few rolled up bank notes, making people think he has a big pineapple-shaped dick. Pineapple in terms of the note, which of course you can't see because it's in the undies. People are saying to him that he should stop spending money on this Patreon, but he won't budge. No, there you go. There we go. That's sweet.

We're just ticking, dotting I's and crossing T's. They don't have to be good. Technically correct. Just get them out. Yeah, technically. If you brought that in front of a judge, you'd say, he's done his job. Yeah. You might not like it, but that's what.

He's done the job. Yeah, there's not an off position on the mediocre switch. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might not agree with everything else we do, but that one you have to agree. The job is done. It was a. To what level?

Yeah. It's up to you. It was a thing that we said. Yeah. You can't argue with that yep it came out of our mouths into the microphone

yeah no one can ever take that away from us what do you reckon he's do you reckon there's any world where his nickname isn't Budgie do you reckon someone some

some creative friend of his has gone it's too easy let's let's get something else happening. And then they've spent all night. Yeah, to come up with some half-arsed, shitful version just because they're like, I'm not. I'm better than this.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Jake the Snake. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Do you reckon... What about... What about this? He's come home one night and one of his mates...

He's given up. He's gone, all right, you're the budgie. He's got home and his mates just put newspaper all over his bedroom floor. There you go. You can shit in your room now. What about... What about this? He comes home, his toilet's been ripped out of his bathroom there's

nothing but newspaper on the bathroom floor yeah that's good there you go that's good yeah yeah deal with that budgie off chance that a housemate of jake budge is listening to this yes get in there you know what you got to do yes yeah that is a good prank yep uh go in go into like his shelf of the pantry get out all of his like pastas and, you know, sauces and whatnot and just replace them with seeds. Well, yeah. Put above the bed. Just put one of those big bells of seed above his bed.

Yep. That's good. There you go, mate. Tuck into that. That's very good. There you go, Jakey boy. Yeah. Don't fill yourself up on that.

Yeah. There you go, Jakey boy. Oh, because of the budgie. What? Is that your last name? Oh. I just thought that would be. I thought it wasy boy. Yeah. Don't fill yourself up on that. Yeah, there you go, Jakey boy. Oh, because of the budgie. What? Is that your last name? Oh. I just thought that would be... I thought it was budge.

Yeah. I just thought that would be a cool thing to have as a bit of decoration. Yeah. A big seed bell. Mm. Mm. Do you ever have a budgie? No.

Never had any kind of birds growing up. Don't... Can't say I get the appeal as a pet. Yeah. Yeah. Look, in hindsight, looking back on it now, like we had budgies and looking back on it now, you do go, that is reasonably cruel. Just having a budgie in a tiny little cage.

Yep. And how much fun did I get out of having a budgie? I'm not sure if I got that much out. I think even as a little kid, you know, because that's typically the sort of pet that they are for. You never see, you don't see like any 40 year olds going like, yeah, we're going to get a budgie. Taking the next step in our relationship, we're getting a budgie together. But even as a little kid, you'd go to someone else's house and they'd have a dog and you'd

be like, oh my God, I want this at home. This is the best. But the budgie I was never fooled by. Even when I was like four, I'd go to a friend's house and they'd have a bird and I'd be like, this sucks. It's the fake dog. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not, it's the fake cat. Right. It's not even, it's, it's, yeah, it's, it's nothing. I think we- It's the fake hamster. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think, cause you can't even pull it out and play with it. No. Yeah. You can't walk it. You get nothing out of it. Yeah. You don't get any like affection.

You can't like, you know, kind of pat it and cuddle it. It just sits in this cage. It's shit in there. It's flapping around. It's clearly not happy. Yeah, yeah. That was the stage we got to. I think we got budgies because we didn't have any pets.

And we're like, oh, cool, we got a pet. And then very clearly, all of a sudden, the parrots get moved out into the other room and moved out to the shed. Oh, my God. Now it's not even a pet. It's just storage. Even calling it a pet seems weird. Yeah.

It's just like it's a bird that's in your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It seems like a stretch to call it a pet. We had two budgies in the cage and one got out. What a sad time for the remaining budgie to be like, fuck. Didn't have the guts to get out. Yeah, just didn't. Follow me, follow me.

Oh, oh, oh. Too late. Too late. Where'd that other guy go? Yeah. Whatever happened to him? Well, he got out. I think he got out whilst my mum or dad was cleaning the cage or feeding or whatever and

just saw his break and got out. Probably lived free. Good on him. Yeah. For about probably two hours. Yep. Probably lived free, good on him, for about probably two hours as a domesticated little budgie. Would have had absolutely no hope out there. I imagine after being in a cage for most of your life as a bird and then going out into the world,

the fucking sensory overload would probably make your brain explode. Be like us going into space. But more so because we're braced for that. We know that space exists. I don't know if i'm that braced for space but you know that it's there you'd go into it going this is going to be huge because a bird doesn't a bird's just all of a sudden like what yeah oh look i think that would brace me about two percent yeah i was floating around in space i'd be like well i've seen it i've seen well i've looked up before've seen it. I think it would be like you get into space and you're already very overwhelmed and then you kind of look up and you see like space two,

which is even bigger and more incomprehensible than that and you're like, I can't even, I didn't have the capacity in my head to sort of think about this much space out there. I mean, I've been to uni. I could cop space. I've thought about stuff before. I mean, I know it's a limitless fucking void, but I get it.

Surely when you're training to be an astronaut, a lot of the preparation is, especially in the week before you go, them going, it's pretty big out there. Yeah. Just remember when you get out there, it's going to look really big. Yeah. You've done all the gravity stuff. There's only so much of all that kind of mechanical stuff we can talk you through. There's a lot of people, there's a lot of times of people being dragged along to see big rocks and go,

see that? Pretty big. Not really. Exactly. Not really in comparison to what you're about to see. Exactly. So it's a week of like, yeah, no, I get it. It's pretty big. No, but you don't.

Okay? Well, you looked at that four-story building. Now look at the five-story. That's a fair bit bigger. Not in comparison to what you're about to say. Yeah, exactly. And then they get up there. It's like a scared kid at a sleepover.

They're on the phone to NASA like, I'm scared, it's too big, bring me back. I wagged a lot of the big classes. I thought I got it after one day. I thought I knew what I was talking about. I've been to Chadston. I thought I knew what big was. Okay.

Thanks, Jake Budge. Thanks, Budgie. Thanks, Budgie. Thanks, Jake Budgie. Okay. Look, I'm in the parking out the front. I don't have much time left. I used to run to your house.

Now that you've moved house, I would run to your house or I'd walk to your house or I'd get on the beautiful tram that took me from exactly the front of my house to exactly the front of your house. The podcast mile, it was a beautiful little, it was like a monorail between podcast locations. Now, I'm in a place where it's tricky to park. There's time limits. So unlike before when we could sit here for hours and read out names, these days I've only got probably a few names in me. I did this for you so that you could get a bigger run in when you come to my house. Oh, okay.

You're trying to get me fitter for soccer. Yeah, yeah. Okay. This is the next level. All right, all right. What is it? I think it's about 15. Would it be about 15K?

No, it wouldn't be that long. Not 15. 12, 11. From my old house or from yours? No, no, no. From mine to here. Oh, yeah. I reckon maybe 10.

I reckon it's probably double the distance from your house that it was, that my old house was. Another clue for people out there, if you want to do some form of algebra to find out where we both live. To triangulate. Okay, there's now this many kilometers between this, but there was this many kilometers between the old house. Okay.

And someone at home has got one of those charts and they're putting those strings and pins into walls. Yep. Yep. Okay. So good luck, guys. All right. Here we go. Let's just do one more then. Yep. Yep. Okay. So good luck guys. Um, all right. Uh,

here we go. Let's just do one more then. Yep. Okay. Great. Okay. Let's go. Um,

do you want the wifi password? Um, no, no, no. I'm, I'm, uh,

it's, it's just still running off my phone. It should be, it should be all good. Yep. Oh, you're tethering. So you just, yeah, yeah, no. It's just still running off my phone. It should be all good. Yeah. Oh, you're tethering, so you're just using a 4G. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, what my motor means is literally just a 4G signal.

It's got a SIM card in it. Yeah, right. And it's like, okay, this is better than just using my phone? Yeah, yeah. Okay, no, I've got it. You've got it? Okay, great. I've got it, I've got it.

Okay. Okay. You don't have it. No, no, no. I've got it I'm just sort of Going Okay

It's just weird Right It's a bit of a weird one And not only A bit of a weird one It's like similar to One we've had Ah okay

Anyway Okay Alright We don't usually have Anything like that So it's just a bit It's worth remarking You're a bit

Yeah You're a bit caught off Caught unawares Again Someone signed up With a silly Fake name I think. Whilst it's pretty clear that you can, I can figure out what their real name is.

From the email address. Yeah, anyway, here we go. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, this stupid character. I believe, whatever. Gary the Black Plague Rat. Right. Yeah. Okay.

But clearly their name is Mr Comedy. Right, right. So Dave O'Neill? That would be, yeah, a few Black Plague references in the set if Dave O'Neill wouldn't go astray. All right. Well, thanks, Gary the Black Plague Rat. Yes.

Boy, I'll tell you what. When you started that and you said Gary the Black, I was pretty clenched in the old butthole region. I was like, where are we going here? We got there. Yeah, thank you. Thank you, Gary. Thank you, everyone who subscribes and supports the show on Patreon.

Get on right now, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Get the two bonus episodes every week. Head over to littledumbdumbclub. Get the two bonus episodes every week. Head over to littledumbdumbclub.com and we've got all the tour dates there. Brisbane, two big shows in Melbourne and Perth. We are going to see you out there in the big wide world very soon. We've also got the merch on sale on our website. Guys, thank you very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates.