The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 565 - Kyle Kinane & Nina Oyama

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

This week we're joined by KYLE KINANE and NINA OYAMA! Tommy's had his first dose of the vaccine and had some very interesting side effects. Kyle's on the show, so of course we end up discussing Bigfoot and Taco Bell, Nina talks us through her latest dalliances with binge drinking, and Karl's been in a physical altercation. PLUS, we've got a big big secret about Nina that she doesn't want us to reveal, and in Talking Dum Dum, we make some exciting culinary plans for once we're out of lockdown. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Kyle Kinane and Nina Oyama. We have some live dates coming up. We're in Perth, we're in Brisbane. We have a new date for the 500th episode in Melbourne at the Athenaeum Theatre, January the 15th, 2022. That's right, Tommy. We are officially delaying it. Sorry, everyone that wanted to go to it, but in the current situation, it's a little bit not that possible to do it. And especially people from interstate, you guys are all worried about not being able to make it. We've pushed it back, A, because it's impossible to do it in the way we wanted to do it with a big old audience. And B, look, it's going to be so much more fun when everyone is able to come in and enjoy the big anniversary. So we want everyone from all the different states to be able to come in and enjoy the big anniversary.

So we want everyone from all the different states to be able to come in and have one big party. So January looks like it might be a bit more possible. So let's do that. Lock that in your diary. For people who are hanging on, have hung on to their tickets, thank you very much for believing in us and all of that sort of business. Hang on to it.

Yeah. So littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets and all that kind of stuff. You can support the show on Patreon and get two bonus episodes of the show every week and get your name possibly read out at the end of the episode. We'll chat to you more at the end of the show about all that. But until then, enjoy this brand new episode with Kyle Kinane and Nina Oyama. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. Two very special guests today. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Kyle Kinane and Nina Oyama. Yay!

What's up, slut? Good. Good day. Oh, yes. Party times. Man, how is it that, Kyle, looking at you, you look like the one that should be in lockdown. You're the one that's free and easy, and we're the ones in fucking lockdown.

You look like the one that's got, like, hundreds're the one that's free and easy and we're the ones in fucking lockdown you look like the one that you've got that's got like hundreds of cans of beans buried under the ground but you're the one that's fucking free and easy now i did buy a lot of like uh instant soup at the beginning i'm like i don't know where it's gone and it's the least nutritious thing to have in case shit goes down it's just a bunch of like heat heat and go ramen soup like i was just all salt like it's it's the worst nutritional value you could be i'm like oh i would have died if we got locked down for my own diet that's and that's while you're currently drinking a liter of tequila right in front of us yeah it's good i got i got some bubble water in there a little topo chico in there level things that's summertime out here get off my ass

i was gonna say carl looks like the opposite it looks like he's about to go mushroom picking in the woods or some shit also a viable option of where i live here i've got a one millionth of the beard of carl canadian and i'm copping heat from my wife she absolutely fucking hates it so well carl you were telling us before we started recording that you're fully vaccinated at the moment and then behind you we can see a big bigfoot poster which um which which seems like sitting there surrounded by bigfoot paraphernalia it seems like if you're into that you should be anti-vax you know what i'm saying i contain multitudes you're liar dude do you actually believe in bigfoot i i don't see a reason uh for entertainment purposes yes like i'm not gonna go to court over it or anything i was trying to make jokes about like i realized through all this i am not a conspiracy theorist

i'm a conspiracy enthusiast the theorists in this country are now raiding government buildings with machine guns i'm just like ah ufos are pretty nutty like that's i'm on that level i just want to have a good time conspiracy yeah when conspiracies were fun it is the fun stuff it's like i want to believe this is real because i don't want to think it's not you know it's like that the world is a magical place that's kind of my attitude to conspiracy yeah why take that away? Of all the real shit that's horrible, why take away what... Give me the first time you tried weed slash sleepover vibes. That's what I want to talk about. Ghosts, aliens, Bigfoot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. QAnon? No. I don't want... That's already... People have flags about that around here. People that believe in QAnon, you were like, you could believe in anything and any beautiful thing in the world, and you chose to believe in pedophiles? Like, you chose to believe everyone's a pedophile?

Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like, it's so weird. Yeah, everyone else is having happy ones, Loch Ness Monster and stuff. Yeah, and you've got to believe that there's kids underground getting fucked it's like and you want you want to believe that except there's a catholic church on just about every street corner in this country and we're not protesting those but we believe that the children are in danger they're doing it right now and we're like well but that's that that doesn't serve my agenda over here i'm like man bigfoot's a time traveler that's all i gotta say yeah you know what i reckon it is i reckon it's because people think they can save those children but it's like bigfoot doesn't need saving he's just a chill guy like if big yeah they don't want to take on

bigfoot yeah you don't want to take on the loch ness monster yeah you want to you don't want to take on werewolves yeah okay you know he's thing, you know, as a lone ranger. Respect to big people. I forget what state did pass an actual law that it would be illegal to shoot Bigfoot, which I'm glad that's the law that got through over, you know, women's rights over their own bodies and everything. We have made sure we cannot shoot this probably fictional character that lives in the woods.

Roe versus Wade versus Bigfoot, yeah. If he ever comes out and he's verified as real, that'll be trivia one day. It's like, you know Bigfoot couldn't even vote until 2040? It's actually pretty recent that he got rights. But then he did come out as pro-choice and then it was okay to hunt him. And if someone shot a Bigfoot,

this is in a world where there are many bigfoots like if one person shot a bigfoot everyone would want to you know kick off a trend of bigfoot shootings and we just can't have that and then we'd have bigfoot crisis yeah yeah what is the theory is there is there only one bigfoot or is there multiple big let's ask well let's get to the let that that's what i want to say let's how does everybody choose to pluralize bigfoot that's where we got us that's the jumping point for this is it is it like foot or big feet that's what i want to say let's how does everybody choose to pluralize bigfoot that's where we got us that's the jumping point for this is it is it like foot or big feet that's what i was gonna ask god damn it tell me his foot big's foot yeah like attorneys general big's foot yeah that makes the most sense but yeah so are there multiple ones is this is there just one out there

and when he carks it then or she when they park it or they non-binary bigfoot i mean if anybody's been non-binary it's big bigfoot out there you hey you tell me you know yeah yeah yeah the foot's not the foot doesn't have that high heel yeah doesn't have a high heel doesn't have a converse you don't know getting cancelled because you discovered Bigfoot, but you got his pronouns wrong. But yeah, so Kyle, you're fully vaccinated. Nina, are you?

I think you've had... I am a half vaccinated. Half? I'm half. I had my first dose the other day. And I don't know, did you guys get any side effects? Did you get knocked around the next day after having your first dose of it um not really my arm hurt i will say i went on a podcast and said the worst shit that i've ever said

which i blame entirely on the vaccine and then had to get vaccine made me racist yeah no that's the left that's the left's agenda with the vaccine it makes you racist yeah exactly um and i had to get josh to cut out a bunch of stuff of the podcast and we made him delete heaps of stuff so that was my okay my vaccine journey so actually i'm fine physically um but mentally i yeah i went on a tear it was you're blaming it on the vaccine. I'm blaming it on the vaccine. Yeah, the vaccine made me an edgelord. I was like yelling, I'm Pickle Rick on every McDonald's table. I was listening to Harmontown. It was fucked up.

That's that microchip. Now they can control you and get you. Now you're a Manchurian candidate is what it is. Oh, man. I've always wanted to be Manchurian candidate is what it is. Oh, man. I've always wanted to be Manchurian candidated. Just Meryl Streep being like, Nina, Nina Isabel Oyama. And then I turn around and just pash her. That's my dream.

If you haven't seen The Manchurian Candidate, that's what happens. But Meryl kisses her son. I would love for somebody else to give me motivation to get my stuff done during the day. Like, Kyle, do the dishes. Oh, okay, yeah, I should do that. I thought you were going to say, Kyle, I would love some motivation for someone to kiss me on the mat,

and I was going to be like, oh, that's really sad. But then you didn't say that. Maybe that was my brain, and I'm sorry for thinking that you would say that, and I regret my entire life up until this moment. That's that vaccine. That's that vaccine again. Don't even worry about it, Nina.

It's turned me into a pickup artist i'm nagging people left right and center not responsible for any of this anyway the jews go uh what about you carl did you have any uh any side effects from the from the doses yeah i got the i got the one and done i got the john Johnson & Johnson vaccine. As I've been saying, it's an appropriately named vaccine because it felt like I got fucked by two dudes at the same time. It was rough. Oh, wow. I was out for about three days afterwards.

I was about one day with, like, super flu sickness stuff. But then for some reason, like I have gout. And for some reason, it caused that to flare. Like I was having a gout issue in the middle of it. And that caused it to flare up. Like it gave me all this kind of. It banged me up pretty hard. Who has gout?

Me. I do. Where are you from? Did it cure the scurvy though? Yeah, what? Did you also get fucking smallpox? How do you have gout in 2021? Well, because there's not a vaccine for it.

There's a vaccine for smallpox. It's a funny duality to get yourself to the point where you have gout, but then also be like, safety first, better get this vaccine. I'd hate for my health to be compromised. meanwhile i have a ground saturation of beer that i've been like i can't on board any more alcohol in my life and sometimes my knee locks up but uh covid eat my ass you ain't gonna get me you're like i don't want to die from a modern virus. I want to die from the oldest, tiniest possible cause. A king's death. I want to die what the sailors died from.

Yeah, I get to walk around with a cane for a while, which is fun. That's some FDR shit. Is that what it's called? The king's disease or the king's something? It was the king's disease because you used to get it from eating like a rich diet of meat and everything. So stuff that could be afforded back in those days. And ironically, as other comedians with gout have made, it's like now you get it from eating the shittiest food.

It's like, oh, you ate a lot of Taco Bell and now you got gout. Hardly exclusive to royalty anymore. Yeah, I ate a lot of Burger King. Okay, story checks out. The Burger king's disease yeah yeah part of the monarchy so much uh that says so much about the comedy industry kyle that there's like a network of comedians that all have gout that you can like hang out i don't think there's any other profession that would have as much gout in it as the comedy industry surely

yeah yeah they they came out of the woodwork with a lot of comedians. Like, all right, because as soon as I got it, I called the one guy I knew who had gout that was a comedian. I'm like, all right, what jokes do you have so I don't double up on your jokes? And then I took everything that I thought that was left comedy-wise.

Then everybody else is like, I got gout, but Kyle and Derek did all the jokes already, so now I just got to deal with this without processing it through humor. This sucks. Two times. Oh my God. That reminds me.

That's like when in like 2012 or 13, all these open micers, like did, including me, did meth together just for one night. And then the next, for the next two years, everyone had a bit about meth.

And it was like, it was the whole, it was from that night. Yeah. You were at ground zero of meth j wow for i thought like talking i thought like a comedian admitting they had depression was the new like oh man i can't get these peanuts open on the airplanes like all right we all just is that the new entry-level comedy set is listing your your medications and like not to say you shouldn't joke about that but you should have jokes about it like that's not just the it's like so i'm divorced well all right let's yeah

we're gonna go for that for five minutes like for female comedians like because you know how like hacky male comedians are like oh my wife i hate my wife or take my wife for female comedians it's just saying that they're bisexual i think it's hack now i'm over it i am bisexual i have a bisexual and i'm like i gotta retire it's fucking hack everyone's you're the henny youngman of sydney at the moment you're just a big old hack up there yeah it's true take my wife and the other one too yeah and my husband because i'm bisexual but i don't know if I mentioned that already. If you guys remember like March last year

when the coronavirus stuff was first kicking off, a bit of advice that people got given was that they had to self-isolate to try and stop the spread of coronavirus. And speaking of the being of ground zero of these sorts of things, that really resonated with me because me personally, I saw all that news and I thought, well, I've been self-isolating for years. Very good stuff. Oh, my God, that's the best joke I've ever heard, Tommy.

It's genius. I can't believe I was there when someone came up with that joke. That's great. Somebody get this man a Netflix special. Social distancing. Oh, you mean every weekend I've had since I was 23? Okay. COVID-19.

I haven't seen the other A-Team. Will I get what's going on? Maybe the coronavirus came from the corona beers. Oh, that's good. But so just quickly, so getting back to side effects. So I had my first dose on Tuesday evening. And then on Wednesday, so yeah, I started to get a bit of side effects not long after getting it.

The kind of like the flu-y symptoms, getting a bit of a kind of fever. And then I went to bed that night and I had, you know, those kind of like weird kind of fever-y dreams that you have when you're getting a bit sick that are like very strange but very vivid. Did you see Bigfoot, Tommy? Not far off. I was – because I had spent that day that I'd gotten the vaccine, I had been talking to you, Kyle, in order to organise this episode.

We'd been going back and forth trying to find a time that we could do it, and that was one of the last things I was doing before I went to bed. And so I had this very vivid dream that a new video game had come out that was a Grand Theft Auto Red Dead Redemption-style video game, but all about Kyle Kinane. It was Kyle Kinane the video game,

and I was like, how good's this? Kyle's gotten so big that they've made a video game where you just play as him, and it literally was running around the video game as you trying to find Bigfoot, just like in the forest and stuff. And like, I woke up in the morning and I was like thoroughly depressed

that that wasn't a reality. The Kyle Canale video game. Oh, he stopped. He stopped to have a few pints and too many shrimp cocktails. Now his gout flared up and he can't walk. Bigfoot's getting away. It's like in Mario where you get really small and you eat a mushroom and you get big, but instead you eat a bit of Taco Bell.

Is that a big picture? Sorry, I don't do that well. I'm so for saying mean things this is a terrible go for it nina go we're all friends here okay good yeah you eat a taco his knee seizes up and then you can only like you push forward but he just goes around in circles because only one leg's working properly i have to go discover a cane under a rock somewhere and then i can start going yeah then you can use it as a weapon do you know um kyle that they're speaking of taco bell do you know um so we didn't have in australia we didn't have taco bell for forever so we've recently got it like in the last year i think okay sorry correction not to like mansplain taco bell but we did actually have it for like for like several years and no one went and it shut down because no one liked Taco Bell.

For 10 years, it wasn't here. Or was it because somebody else owned Taco Bell, so Taco Bell had to come in and call Mexican Freds or something? I think it was sort of Happy Jacks. That's what we do with that, yeah. Mexican Freds, you know, Taco Bell. Yeah, yeah. No, so we didn't have – we might have may have had sorry sorry uh

footnote uh nina we may have had taco bell at some stage for some unsuccessful stage they've relaunched uh so we've got taco bell but in the meantime we had someone that made a big chain of stores called taco bill to sort of like i guess guess, get around not owning Taco Bell the name. So it's called Taco Bill with very similar signage. But now that Taco Bell has moved in, they're now both coexisting. We now have many towns that have both Taco Bell and Taco Bill that sell the same things. Is that insane?

It will create strong opinions among the trashiest members of your community because here in the united states we have a we have taco bell which is nationwide and then you've your your regional fast food west coast you have del taco my favorite midwest you're going to get into your um uh what is that taco taco john's taco john's then we have taco time just it's time for tacos is also somewhere in the midwest and people have very strong opinions about all of those places i am a fervent del taco uh i'll defend that place till the death and their burger i don't eat meat anymore their burger's great you can't mistake you know uh taco fever or whatever the fuck it is for taco bell like it's taco bell and taco bill it's it's one vow it's that's fucking insane it's like

it's like coming to america and having what was it mcdowell's like that's worse than that when they were ripping off mcdon That's like having McDonald's. Am I the only one who thinks this is fucking insane? I kind of love it because you could just keep adding different taco restaurants and changing the middle letter so you could have Taco Bull and Taco Bull and just keep popping up. And it's like, you know when a city builds a highway

and they think the traffic will go smoother, but actually what happens is more cars just join the road and block the highway. Maybe we'll have a super highway of people that just go to all the different taco restaurants. Soon you will be as fat as us. Create the demand. You will all have gout, Australia. You will come to learn the King's disease as it was intended for you to have before the colonies got it. I think also if you go to Taco Bill and you're like, oh, I want like a Burrito Supreme.

I'm like, well, we don't have that, but we know what you mean. And then they just give you the stuff you wanted anyway. That's also a win. I mean, as far as the consumer is concerned, my favorite part is that the taco bells they used to look like spanish missions they used to be brick buildings that look like old spanish churches and then they revamped so they moved out of those but then authentic mexican restaurants would move into the old taco bells and then that architect which is truly not that you would know american history but i think is the true lesson of the alamo is that the mexicans won it back and took it back over and

so that's i see that happening and i'm like this is what i like to see this is like you take it back you get this back it's like reverse gentrification yeah yeah this this belonged to you i like when you see like a new business has taken over a building that used to be a pizza hut because they're like a very distinct building like they've got that very specific roof that's in the logo and they've just not bothered to change any of it so it's like a you know it's like a daycare that still just got like oh the slant pizza hut a lot of korean churches are in old pizza huts in L.A. A lot of Korean churches took over. They saw the property.

It worked for them. I don't know if the salad bar still exists inside as the pulpit, but I haven't seen what's happening. They got a little lunchtime all-you-can-praise in there. Yeah, yeah, endless praise and endless forgiveness. We used to have Long John Silver's. Yeah, we had Long John Silver's, which had a dock out in front of it. It was just in a parking lot, but it had a dock with the big ropes

because it was a seafood restaurant, so it felt like you were doing that. And they would be next to Taco Bell's, and that was like white trash Epcot Center for me when I was a little kid because you got to feel like you just got off a boat somewhere and then you were in Spain or Mexico because of the mission that was across the street and that was the closest I got to

international travel as a child. I appreciated the architectural affectation. Yeah. I think Burger King could have leaned into some castle type of architecture. Yeah, some sort of Buckingham Castle, sort of Buckingham Palace. Yeah, something with turrets, you know? Little arrow shots.

Burger King here is called Hungry Jacks, and they were, like, modeled on the Hard Rock Cafe, wasn't it? They had all these guitars and, like, diner seating and, like, signed posters of elvis and shit right yeah it's a bit happy days yeah like it tried but it didn't try hard enough like it doesn't pull it off at all it's like why is this guitar here in that burger restaurant like it doesn't it doesn't work yeah yeah it's no one no one famous as guitar it's like a guitar that was left there one night yeah and so they just stick it on the wall from a busker out the front yeah

they robbed a busker. I don't know that Teletubbies had guitar players. Burger King's the best example of what you're talking about because they set up here as Hungry Jacks, same logo and everything. That's been going for ages. But then Burger King did try and also set up shop here. So for a while you had the two chains with the same logo and then Burger king just ended up

basically having to give up and close up shop and leave the country but not not only that they they they had one store they ended up having one store where they just left it at the airport because um they weren't technically still allowed to do it anymore in australia so the one shop at the airport was in international waters so they were technically allowed to have it anymore in Australia. So the one shop at the airport was in international waters. So they were technically allowed to have Burger King in Australia. This is my thing though. Why do you think that Burger King changed its name to Hungry Jacks? Were they like, oh man, Australia already has a monarchy.

They're already part of the Commonwealth. Yeah, right. We can't be calling ourselves Burger King. They already have a queen. She's too powerful. Hungry Jack. And they were thinking, well, the monarchy in England banished all the convicts to Australia. They probably hate those guys back there.

Let's think about the common man, Jack. And let's think about his state of mind as he's walking into a food emporium. Oh, he's hungry. Oh, he's fanging for a burger. Also, you keep burning down our burger kingdoms. These are not fortified institutions. They're just restaurants. Yet you keep burning them down symbolically and physically.

How about Hungry Jack's, you assholes? Can you just leave this one alone? Whatever tax you're paying isn't going to the Burger King, okay? That's a different government deal. I'm more of a fan of uh burger prince philip that's my uh that's my chain of choice that's why oh do you mean the kids restaurant that's a dangerous drive-thru yeah you you think the true patriots in america would also hate the idea of a burger king but thank god nobody here has decided to learn history yes so should we do a quick do a quick wrap-up of a brief cliffhanger from last week's episode? Carl, you had a story that you didn't quite get to.

Yeah, well, not to boost it up too much, but I did, you know, we're in lockdown at the moment and I was asking people on the show last week, maybe it's worth asking you guys very quickly, about have you had, I mean, I think I know the answer with at least half of you, but have you had an adult fight? Have you been in a physical fight as an adult over the age of 18? I don't know.

I'm not sure. I was really drunk and there's people that told me that I was in a fight, but then other people were like, no, we pulled you away before you could fight. You've heard rumours that you were in a fight. Right, other people were like, no, we pulled you away before you could fight. You've heard rumors that you were in a fight. Right. Okay.

But I was so drunk, I don't remember. Right. Okay. So you don't know much of the details? That's actually the most excusable way to be in a fight as an adult. If you're like, no, I was totally sober and decided this is how to resolve things. That's way more sad. Yeah. If you were drunk, it almost definitely did happen i'm gonna say okay

okay do you know how it went do you know if you did you hear if you won or lost or do you know any of the details um it was over a boy with another girl and yes yeah it was a very like i slept with your boyfriend kind of vibe um or not boyfriend it was a weird it was whatever it was very blurry and now that i am not a misogynist i would completely blame the man but i think he was so like just fucking red pilled by you know whatever like society and culture the vaccine yeah and sorry the vaccine um but yeah i was i got really drunk and this girl confronted me. And then I remember being outside.

And then I remember being in my house, just smoking cigarettes inside my room and decompressing. But I don't remember the actual thing that happened. And someone said that I was pulled away before anyone could hurt each other. But people were like, no, you full punched her. And I was like, I don't think, I don't know. But I'm a different person now i would never do that now are you are you a different person because you did a lot of

drinking in the in the early days of this lockdown that you're in okay this thing i didn't do a lot of drinking i just did one day of like in insane drinking like i didn't eat and then at 10 o'clock i had two bottles of white wine on a Skype Zoom, sorry, on a Zoom with a friend, and I drank all that wine in 20 minutes, and then I blacked out. And the next thing that I remember is I was under my clothesline just vomiting into a bucket with my housemates,

and they were, like, videoing me. You drank two bottles of wine in 20 minutes yeah i was really thirsty was there was there a prize i was parched from the zoom call i thought it was katorade i get really thirsty because i smoke a lot of weed and it makes my mouth really dry and so i just not like all during the day but like i'll smoke it before i go to bed and i'll wake up and my mouth will be like a desert and i just drink fluids all day and if you put some kind of liquid in front of me i will drink it even if it's a nice dry white wine i'll clear that up yeah yeah yeah nice pinot grig yeah you're not you're not you're not an alcoholic you're just a bit dry okay

well the thing is i hadn't drunk for a month prior to that like i was very oh no i had drunk a little bit but i was pretty like on the straight and narrow and then like yeah oh fuck and then i was like i was i just woke up and i was like in my bed and i made i started this recent job working for disney um in a writer's room and i woke up and I was like in my bed and I started this recent job working for Disney in a writer's room and I woke up and I had made a group chat on Instagram with everyone's names, but I hadn't pressed create chat. And when I woke up, I was still drunk and I was like, oh, look at all these names, create chat.

And then I was like, hey, fucking idiots, I'm so drunk, what's going on? And I just like called everyone a fucking incel. And then I just like, Oh my God. Called everyone a fucking incel. And then I was like, I love you. Like, yeah, it was, it was a mess,

but now you've got a three picture deal. Yeah. You have a three picture deal. No, sadly, no, I'm still an underling, but,

but yeah, that bit didn't go as bad as I thought it would. But then I don't know how alcohol like how it metabolized my body because i couldn't eat anything because i knew i was going to throw it up but at some point i did i think i like poisoned myself to the point where i had gastro so at like eight o'clock at night after lying down for a while i like ran to the toilet and was like shitting and vomiting at the same time but in my haste to do a shit and a vomit at the same time i fell down my stairs at home i twisted my heist it's such flowery language for what you told me you just took me to task

for having gout and this is a story of your life recently now you're a cartwheel of piss and shit shit furthermore you did spread covet everywhere you aggressively spread covet this started from i'm a different person from that story about me getting in a physical fight this is worse i pinwheeled bodily fluid around my entire apartment i did i was able to save it until i was in the area that it was allowed to happen. The commode? Yes, the WC, the water closet. That's some great willpower for you to be violently sick from both ends and while you're falling downstairs going,

no, I better hold it in. This isn't the right place. Yeah, man. I've been doing my Kegels and my butt Kegels. I got it. Sorry. But just like fucking vomit. And then the next day I woke up and I couldn't walk on my foot and I had to go to hospital.

And then the week following that, I was so hungover the entire week. And I also couldn't get up or walk anywhere because of my foot. So I just had a breakdown because i didn't leave the house and i didn't know that i was supposed to go outside and so oh really yeah because i i'd never really done a lockdown where i hadn't been able to like my brain wasn't like oh it's because you haven't seen the sun my brain was just like oh it's just because you're stupid that you're having a breakdown and then like my housemate was, take off all your clothes and stand outside in the sun for an hour. And so I did that and I felt so much better.

Hung over and couldn't walk. Welcome to the last 15 years of my life. I know, I'm going to get that cane, Kyle. It sounds like a great idea. It's stylish. Looking forward to that gout. Yeah. Looking forward to that gout Yeah

I do like the idea That your housemates Just pranked you into Flashing strangers as they walk past your house now I didn't go I'm getting better everyone Yeah I'm just streaking down my street

Which by the way is the same street the cops are on I'm just like running naked being like I need a sun. It's for my mental health everyone. I'm fixed. I'm fine. This is to fix my brain everybody. Calm down. I used to be crazy but now as you can see I'm 100%

well. I'm not a misogynist anymore. I did his shit on the stairs. Don't worry, anyone. My asshole's so tight, everybody. All right. So that's the fight you were in.

You nearly was in a fight with someone. You fought yourself. You fought your own body. Yeah. I'm my own abuser. I'm my mother's keeper. Yeah, you fought yourself you fought your own body yeah i'm i'm my own abuser i'm my mother's yeah you fought gravity you fought the evacuation of the human form yeah i've i fought the renal system kyle you you must have what do we got what are we talking about what are we talking i don't i'm like a i'm a little guy i'm uh little with a big mouth, so I say a lot of shit,

and if somebody's like, all right, we're going to fight, I'm like, ha-ha, time for comedy to save me again. I've been punched. I got punched in the face. This was still a while ago, but I'm old,

so I was still an adult. I think I was like yeah 27 or something not comedy related no it wasn't coming yeah i wasn't i was just i was at a liquor store yeah i was in a bad part of town and i was uh at a liquor store and we got beer these guys were trying to like sell us drugs through the window and i was trying to see what kind of drugs they had and then i was like i don't need those drugs and the guy's like oh man it was he's just weed too it was before weed was legal and like he's like oh it's really good i'm like i don't know the stuff i got's pretty great and all this was i was in the passenger seat of the car and uh the guy was talking through the driver's seat where this

gal was driving he goes i was just like i don't know my weed's pretty good already and he's like i just hear don't you ever disrespect me which apparently disrespect in the gangster world is a massive insult. Yeah. And I didn't even realize there was a guy in my window, and I just heard, yo, man, you dissed my friend? And I just went, oh, there's a guy here. And I just turned into a fist hitting me in the face. And I was in a car with a gal in the front seat and gals in the back

i just done it was like my first show after i moved out of chicago and i came back and i was going to a party and i had this car full of girls i was bringing to a party and i was feeling like pretty cool guy and uh and so then i got punched and this girl's like what should i do i'm like i think you should leave and she's like they're in front of the car. I'm like, that doesn't matter anymore to hit the gas. And so, but I did get to show up to this party with like a bunch of booze and like bleeding out of my eye. And a bunch of girls.

I was like, your boy's back in town, everybody. I'm ready to fight and fuck and I've already done one of them. So let's go. Yeah. Come on. I got that early stuff out of the way.

I've already done one of them, so let's go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. I got that early stuff out of the way. And then I kind of was about to get in a fight with a guy at a bar, but we realized that neither one of us had, like, fight energy. Like, we're not fighters, but we were both trying to posture ourselves as fighters. So the conversation just got louder.

You didn't have the fire in the belly. No, no. So the conversation would just get louder to the point it's like, we know we're not going to do this, right? We do, but how do we get out of this? I sure wish a friend would come get one of us. Okay.

And then a friend took me away. I like the idea that everyone's standing around just being like, I want to see these two nerds have a crack. Let's just see if they can do it. Like everyone's like, they're like, someone's like runs up to get you and their friends hold them back.

They're like, no, no, no, no. These two little pussies are going to try something on each other. We got to see where it's going to go. But it was,

we both, yeah, we both clearly got past the point of like, we know we're not going to fight. So why are we still being loud at each other? We just didn't, it was like a writing exercise where you didn't have a conclusion like a like like a joke where you like the joke you have a story that's a joke but then you don't know how to end the story so you're like and uh so that happened anyway and that was uh yeah any questions

yeah uh well fuck you too then i guess i'm gonna go back over to this side of the bar and we'll just steam at each other for a while but no right no real fights i mean uh you know i get road rage pretty bad and i scream at people which and uh they're shooting people on the highways here again so that's back what i should probably watch i should probably watch myself hang on is that like a metaphor for like like speed cameras or is that like they're shooting people no no no with guns with guns you yell at somebody in their car and they shoot at you from what like the dc sniper like the jerk that's wild that's so crazy like a jerk or any steve martin movie mentioning los angeles which

there's always highway shootings but yeah that's a that's a thing here so i gotta watch my watch my gestures check i really was gonna try and move to la at the end of this year and now i'm like i don't know yeah i do i get really bad road rage too um and i the other day was like really really shit out the window of people yeah exactly that's why i vomited and i threw my sunroof um but i was really like i said a really big day i was really tired and i like just wanted to go as it was like 10 o'clock and i was driving home and i was waiting at this light and it was like one of those ones we have to wait for the green arrow to go and it was like taking such a long time and i finally got the green arrow and just as i got the green arrow these two little fucking like hipster mullet cunts started walking in front of my car

and i started beeping i was like get the fuck out of the way right and then they approached the hood of my car and like like put their hands on the front of my car and i leaned out the window and i yelled my mom just died because i didn't know i didn't know what to yell because i was like i have to yell something so they get off my car but i don't i want them to feel bad for me but my mom hasn't died but i was like i have to yell something and then they like were like oh no and then they ran away and i i got him she's not dead you're fucking losers and then you drive away but this is the other thing is that i so there were two traffic lights in front of the other so the moment i turned into this the street i immediately hit another red light and i had to watch these two guys just slowly walk past the car

on the and i was just like i was just like, I was just shaking like, Oh no. I'm like, what if they ask me more questions about my fake mom, fake dying? What did she die of? Think of something quick. Like what time,

what did it happen? Is she in the hospital? Like, you know, just so stressful. That'd be great. If you rang your mom, got her on speakerphone,

like she's still alive. Do you want to talk to her? Suck shit. Or you, or you've had to like conceptualize the death of your mom so much that you're just so depressed when you got home. You're like, I could have just said nothing to those guys. Now I have to think about that my mom's going to die one day

and I'm super sad. Yeah, what if I drink two bottles of white wine? Then you do that. Or meth one time and get a couple years of material out of it. I will say a thing. Here's my Edinburgh show about my dead mom who never died, but here's how it started. And my meth addiction.

I do. That meth story was from the time when I had possibly punched someone because I used to drink a lot of alcohol and be like a psychopath, but when I was 19. And then I stopped going to open mics, and I was like, oh, I'm fine. i stopped going to open mics and i was like oh i'm i'm fine oh you caught you caught that off open mics okay that was the problem i wouldn't have done meth without comedy so i know yeah it's a slippery slope it's a gateway drug i will say i'm not good

at lying i'm whenever i tell a lie i immediately get stressed because i don't know how because then i have to fight like if i say something like that then i immediately get stressed that i'm going to be caught out so i have to make up a bunch of things and then that stressed me out and so i'm just kind of like i had even though i got him away from my car i still feel like really icky about like my brain's like ah what if i see those guys again and they're like how's your mother or like like, I don't know. Well, that's a weird question

when you've told them she's died, them going, how's your mother? She's still dead. But they're like, they come up to me, they're like, are you okay?

I'm like, about what? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because you've got to remember, that's the hard thing about lies. You've got to remember.

It's hard to remember your lies. It's easy to remember the truth. So it's like, you just see them and just freak out and go, yeah, my dad's dead. And they're like, like what i thought it was your mom oh fuck now i've got to invent a whole dead family i'm an orphan i'm an orphan i don't i just didn't mention

my dad before i forgot about him the first time i just want to tell you guys the truth you're cunts that's it that's the truth that's i just need to get that off my chest here i just let me come clean my mom and dad think so too yeah yeah they're alive i told them what you did i i was so i was asking you that because i i've been feeling like i mean i think tommy would back this up it feels like i'm getting closer and closer to it to an adult fight and i'm um i've never had an adult fight before and i've just got this feeling i've. I now get this feeling all the time like I'm just really getting ready to get a punch in the back of the head or something. It really feels like someone's going to jump me.

All the time I run my mouth off and have a go at people and stuff. It's like it must be going to happen. And the other day, it was the start of lockdown here, and I thought this is actually it. Like I was in the eye of the hurricane. This was it because I was walking um uh down the street and i heard a big hubbub across the road and i saw like a full big fist fight yeah across the road a violent hubbub across the road and there was these two people like throwing haymakers at each other and i'm like what the fuck is this

and then i'm like i'm'm going to go over there. I'm going to go and get involved. And so I went over there and I couldn't figure out. Wait, why? You're like, ooh, shenanigans. Wait, why? Well, there's always going to be someone that needs help in a fight. It can't be an equal fight.

So I figured, well, whoever's copping it the most, I can help out. This is where your charity kicks in? Hey, these two jerks look like there's volunteer at a soup kitchen nah yeah there's a donnybrook happening if it was like a video game and i could see the energy bars down the bottom or something it would be a lot easier to figure out who needs to help so look this is my first time assisting in the fire you're like i'm gonna go over there i'm gonna pepper spray the shit out of him. I'm going to break up this fight. I'm going to do a citizen's arrest.

Yeah. Fuck you. I like that the start of this was you going, I kind of feel like, you know, the way I've been, like I'm probably going to get a punch in the back or just like someone's going to want to fight me at some stage because of something I've said. And then the story is like, so I saw this fight happening

and I just jumped in from across the street. Yeah, I really was like, oh, Carl is so worried about highway punchings. That's what it's like. It's like in America, they have highway shootings and Carl's like, here we got highway punchings.

We don't have guns. A drive-by punch. Yeah. I mean, that's what happened to Kyle. Yeah, I got punched in the car. Yeah, right in the car. So what? All right, you're going over there.

You're saying these people need some Chandler justice right now. Wait, I've punched in a car. I've punched a cone in a car. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Nice. Yes. Nice. Yes.

Nice. What does that mean? It means I did a bong. Oh, okay. You guys have drugs in America, yeah? Yeah, it's like... Yeah, but the nicknames are different. Well, Cone is like...

Things are different. It's like weed and tobacco chopped up, mixed together, like 50-50. And then you smoke it in a bong, which you know what it is. A bowl, I think. Oh, you mix it? Who does that? People who don't want to make their weed last. This is what weed looks like in America.

This is a syringe. This shit will keep you high for three days if you do this. Wait, are you ingesting weed? Almost. I thought it was just a really small bottle. I thought it was the vaccine. It cures you from a boring afternoon, I'll tell you that. It's the vaccine for your feelings.

You're like, I don't want to have these anymore. These you can eat. These you can smoke. These you can do whatever the fuck you want with, I guess. For people at home, Kyle's going through a big chest full of drugs, as we're speaking. Yeah. He's like Santa bomb. Somebody gave me these. I don't even buy it. Somebody gave me

these. I don't know if they made them. They're gummies. We'll see what happens with those. Where are you keeping them? Are they at the top of a wardrobe? Yeah, just on my dresser. I've got my hit box right here. Some of the best weed I've gotten has been weed that's been given

to me by Dum Dum fans, so I just want to shout out to you guys in Melbourne you fucking they sorted me so hard I'm eternally grateful we'll give out a PO box for Kyle at the end of the show if any listeners want to send some nobody mail me anything

did you see all that stuff? nobody send me anything through the US mail I can go to the store i'm solid yeah i like the idea that northwest now they're like kyle has every single kind of weed acts like it's accessible legally to him and they're like now let's this australian shit let's fucking yeah i mean kyle's only close to south america I mean, where the real good stuff is Tasmania. We all know that. Yeah, and Adelaide Bathtub.

That's where the good shit is really made. Yeah, absolutely. So I'm on the side. I cross the street. There's no one on the streets. We're in lockdown. So there's just two people duking it out on the other footpath. I literally thought it was like a bar fight with like 10 to 15 guys

and it's just two dudes. Two people. You said it was a hubbub. Yeah, this is fisticuffs. Sorry, but this is- I heard a hubbub. I heard a bunch of noise. Hubbub I thought was denoted an audience.

At least five, I think, is a hubbub. I'm calling it fisticuffs. Oh, really? Oh, I'm sorry. That's in my brain. My bad. My bad. Take that, Tommy, take that bit out of the episode. Yeah, I'll delete that. I'm calling it. Oh, really? Oh, I'm sorry. That's in my brain. My bad. My bad. Tommy, take that bit out of the episode.

Yeah, I'll delete that. I don't want to get the letters. I don't want to get letters. It wasn't a hubbub. It was a disturbance. It was a mild disturbance. Skirmish. What's skirmish?

Is that two? Skirmish is probably more than a hubbub, actually. It's a physical disagreement. Yeah. Yeah, right well i heard noise i heard i heard skin on skin action that's what i heard that alert oh you thought that was a fight interesting yeah well i haven't heard it for quite a while that noise so that's uh maybe you didn't go over there to see if it was a fight maybe you went over there for the skin. I was horny. Yeah, yeah.

You were horny for a fight. I was fight horny. So I get over there and there's these two guys absolutely going at it. You had a fight job. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A fight semi. Yeah.

Yeah. So I go over there and there's these two guys hitting the shit out of each other, but then I realize there's one guy that's well in front. He's a much bigger guy. And they're having one of these fights. And like I said, I haven't had adult fights, which means I can't remember seeing a proper adult fight, I reckon, very close up. So you get very used to the Hollywood fights where it's just like

one punch and you're out and this guy's just landing punches on this guy's face and it's just making this horrible slap noise and the guy's not going down and I'm like

well fuck I'm confused like that's what I'm used to you know you punch someone in the head they fly on the ground and that's it so all it is

is this one guy just punching this guy in the head and this guy having he's like the Rocky movie do you know how Rocky doesn't defend in any movie he doesn't hold his fist up at any point that's what

that's not good cinema carl's like yeah you fucking came into this fight and a guy's clearly getting beat up and you're thinking gee whiz why isn't this like the movies i've seen i thought fights were supposed to be exciting i've've seen Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. But that's why I'm scared of adult fights now, because every other asshole out there is in MMA or taking UFC courses. There's no, like, I'm drunk, you're drunk, let's do one of these. It's always some guy has, like, nine Brazilian jiu-jitsu belts and 14 tequila shots.

And I'm like, oh, in 30 seconds, your throat is going to be behind my knee and I'm going to crush your windpipe. I'm like, I'll do my best to talk my way out of that situation happening in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why there's no adult fights coming up in my life. Anyway, at what point did you throw your erection in between these two fists yeah instead of a fight or flight response kyle has a fight or fuck response yeah yeah yeah so i i get in there and they're fighting and i get really close to them and i'm like what i don't know how to you know how do you enter a

threesome how do you how do you get in't know how to, you know, how do you enter a threesome? How do you get in the middle of two people fighting each other? How do you start the third party fighting? I don't know what to do. It's all about consent, Kyle. You have to say, hello, Mayor, join this fight. Right, right. And they say, yes, Mark.

Whose side are you picking at this point, Kyle? Who are you wanting to, you were saying at the start, you know, whoever needed the help the most. Are you going for the guy who is landing these punches and just can't get this guy to go down? Does he need the help? Or are you going for the guy who's just a punch sponge who's like not even fun? Are you going to join the winning team

or are you going to help the underdog? The Australian has got to know. Regardless of Nazi armbands that the tiny fellow was wearing, who do you stick up for in this street? Yeah, I was the little guy I stuck up for. I'm the bad news bears of fighting. So, of course, I went for the little guy. And he was a little older Asian guy.

And I'm a big fan of people of color. Thank you, Kyle. Thanks, Kyle, for saving my my brethren yeah exactly you just ran in there going this one's for the asians and started windmilling you know asians can be racist too oh no this is my fucking AstraZeneca coming out. But straight up, my dad is an imperialist. My dad is an imperialist and he's Japanese, so it's a very weird place to be in. He thinks that Japan helps Korea.

I'm like, I don't know, man. I don't know. I don't know about that. So I'm trying to get myself picked in a fire. I'm trying to involve myself in somehow, and they're sort of ignoring me, and so I start yelling and going, and the guy who's winning,

I'm like yelling at him going, listen, cunt, get away from him, or I'll fucking end you, and he's just sort of ignoring me, and I yell more and more, and then he's like, all right, okay, and he turns to me. Then he stops, and he turns around to me, and then he's like all right okay and he turns to me he sort of then he then he stops and he turns around to me and then i'm thinking fuck i've never been in an adult fight

like and like kyle says like you know there's all these people that have got like they're all bred on ufc stuff and you know they can do holds or poses or fucking something and i don't watch any of that shit i don't know anything and so my literal pose was then fuck what do i do so i got i got my i had my car keys in my hand and i put the you know when you like put the the keys in between your fingers of your fist yeah yeah i'm a woman that walks home alone at night i am very familiar exactly well that's the point i realized like everyone all of all i've got a bunch of friends in comedy they're in the ufc i like, I learned this from Sex and the City. That's a Courtney Barnett song.

That's where you're getting your fighting tips from. I'm in that state, like the moment it hits 5.30 p.m., I'm like, defense. Eyes, groin, no, no, no. Yeah. Yell fire. I did that. What was it like? Eyes, nose, nose throat crotch leg

soft bits yeah go for the soft bits yeah yeah yeah yeah that'd be a good comic book character female wolverine where instead of the claws

it's just like a bunch of car keys kind of coming out of the car keys I had to buy five Toyotas to get this super car

a lot of my family a lot of my family can't drive anymore, but I can defend myself. They're all like 2001 Toyota Corollas as well. They're like the shittest. The sharpest keys of all the Corollas. We know that's because they're the sharpest keys of all the Corollas.

Exactly. So what happened when you rolled up to stop a fight, employed basic community rec center self-defense techniques after picking a fight with a guy in a fight yes and I like how you said ignoring you like they were both still

fighting and then were like who's this guy man don't worry about it and then kept fighting each other in my head I'm picturing this like Popeye and Bluto going at it and then you're running over like olive oil trying to get in the mix is he with you like i don't know this guy this is this is our thing like all right don't worry about him yeah so then the guy it like annoyed the big guy enough to sort of go fucking leave me alone he he and he said something like he disrespected me or he did this or he did that. And I'm like, I don't fucking give a fuck, man.

Get away from me more. I'll fucking get you. Like great language. Some great florid language. Yeah, he's probably really scared by that. Get away from me. I'll get you. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. This part isn't like the movies either. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. i've got these keys i'm sure i'm on my p plates but they are still proper keys they work the same as normal keys i'll get you yeah yeah i could have thought about this before i got here i could have had some phrases put into place yeah yeah totally but so then then he actually backed off and i'm like oh man great you know i've i've scared him off i've like yelled him enough i've got the keys in the hand great awesome i've done my job here like he's he's scared off and then i like talked i try and

talk to the the guy who he's hitting and i'm like hey man are you okay and i'm thinking i'm thinking man i'm gonna get a big bunch of thanks i'm thinking i'm thinking man i'm gonna get a big bunch of thanks here you know i'm gonna get i just stopped i just stopped this guy getting hit in the head this is pretty sweet and then he's not saying anything in fact he's looking pretty annoyed and then i realized the guy hasn't really like run away the other guy hasn't run away he's just gone back into the shop where this is spilled out of and like grabbed a bunch of bottles and then fucked off and it's like the guy the the small asian guy owned the liquor store and then so he just stolen a bunch of stuff and he's like yeah thanks for distracting me he just stole a bunch

of fucking bottles out of my shop and i'm like yeah but i stopped the fire and he's like yeah i don't i don't care so i couldn't even get a thanks out of this guy like nothing i got nothing out of this i wanted this guy to be like good job you homo and you're like oh no i gotta start punching this guy he really is a jerk so then what he starts beating the shit out of you yeah yeah no no no so then he just it was like he got so mad at me he like gave me the silent treatment and that was it. Like I followed him back into his store and I'm like, literally I'm chasing compliments

at this point. I go back in there. I'm saying, are you okay, man? Do you want me to go and chase that guy? Do you want me to go and get him? Do you want me to? And he's like, literally not talking to me. Hasn't said thank you.

Hasn't said one word to me. He's just pissed off. He even, as I'm asking about his welfare, he starts serving other customers. He starts actually going on with his job. You want to help Carl? You pay for everything that guy stole. That's how you help Carl.

You want to help? You bag him up. Go. I'll give you a tally of what he walked out here with. I can recognize the labels. That's why you don't help anybody, Carl. Yeah, well, that's it. That's it.

So I was like, that was it. I just walked, like another guy walked in and went, what happened? I go, I think I stopped a fight. And he's like, well, what are you going to do now? I'm like, I think I'm just going to walk home. Like, I think I've done enough. Like, I'm getting, it seems like no one's happy in this situation. What was the adrenaline just absolutely pumping through the veins at that point?

For sure. After the stepping in, yeah. For sure. And also, like, I'd pumped myself up to be part of a fight, and now I'm extra mad because no one would thank me. So now I'm just roaming the streets looking for new fights. This is actually how the Hulk, yeah, this is actually how the Hulk was created, was unrequited good deeds. It wasn't a chemical or a science thing.

It was just like, why won't anybody appreciate me helping? That's great. That's the only way you can get him back to human size is just go up to him and go, thanks, Hulk. And he goes, nah. Good job, Bruceuce you got it oh it wasn't anything anyone else has done the same i was looking for a pat on my huge back i was looking for a pat on my huge green back as i was looking for was this the bottle shop that you frequent is this like ruined the bottle shop for you now you can't go in there no but um yeah i don't go in it and but i have walked past it several times since and i'm like i and the guy the guy is still in there like he's it's a one-man operation and i look in there and

i'm like do i do i go in and i'm like well yeah it sort of burned it for me now because i feel like if i go in there i'm just going to be annoyed. I'm just going to go, hey, remember the fight? I'm the not the bad one, I'm the good one from the fight, remember? Maybe he was just in shock. Like maybe if he went back because you know how when people are in those moments they just go into shock and they don't know what to do so they do the thing that's like most regular

so this guy was just like, I'm going back to work but maybe he would have, you know, had some thoughts and recouped. Okay. But if I listen to you, Nina, and I go back in that shop and he doesn't bow down and fucking kiss my finger for stopping his fight. If this Asian man doesn't bow down to me like an emperor. You have to go in there and you have to do that fight club thing

and you have to lose a fight to him. I'm going to go in there with a have to do that fight club thing and you have to lose a fight to him. I'm going to go in there with a fucking rake in between my fingers and my fist. I'm going to get bigger things in between my fingers. I'm going to pick a new fight. You have to lose that fight. You have to let that guy believe in himself again. You'd be like, well, I heard we could just rob this place because you don't care. And then you find out he actually is the worst fighter ever.

And you really got to be like, all right. Yeah. And then I'm looking for the new version of me ever and you really got to be like, all right. Yeah. And then I'm looking for the new version of me to come and save me that just doesn't exist. I would love if, like, you know, when you go into a shop and they've, like, someone will have shoplifted and they've got, like, the black and white printout of the security cameras and they'll sort of be, like, ratting on the person at the counter,

like, this guy stole, like, don't serve him again. If you go into this bottle shop again and they've done that but for you they're like be aware of this guy sticks his nose in where it's not wanted yeah what did he do i just kind of sucks he's annoying and he let this place get He's a jerk. Yeah, you're an accomplice. That's true. You're an accomplice to a crime. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Wait, can I?

I have a hot tip, too. Sorry, I've got another trick to dissolve a fight, which it does involve a lie. But basically one time at a club or like this happened many times in a club but it's the only time i tried this someone groped me and it just made me so angry that they invaded my personal space so turned around to them and i just grabbed this dude by the collar and i was like i'm a black belt in judo and if you do that again i will fucking kill you and then he was like oh i'm so sorry i'm so so sorry but apparently if you're a black belt in something before you get into a fight you have

to disclose that you are your body is a human weapon so you can go into a fight and be like hey guys i just got it before i do anything i have to legally disclose i'm a black belt and my body is a human weapon and i think people wouldn't know. I don't know if it's true. And then everybody beats the shit out of you. And then that's when you finally get what you want, Kyle. It's Taekwondo. It's really more of a stretching exercise. That's when you

get your dream. It's really just aggressive yoga. Please don't hurt me. Yeah, that's Kyle getting into that fight and going like, guys, just want to let you know I'm fully trained in Pilates, okay? So I can't be held responsible, I just want to let you know I'm fully trained in Pilates, okay? So I can't be held responsible. I just want to let you know I have a loud voice and nothing to back it up. I have to warn you before we start this.

I have a black belt in Pilates. I'm going to get extremely hurt by you, and then you're going to get in trouble with the police. So I just need you to know that. I have taken seven years of piano lessons, so I'm very dexterous. I don't know how that's going to translate. In this situation, I just want to avoid any legal complications after the fact.

I'm going to do green fields on the back of your head, cunt. That is such a threatening insult. Yeah. Well, look, let's wrap up the episode, but we do need to say this before we end. I feel like I'm duty bound to say this before we end. But we did get Nina on the same episode as you, Kyle, because Kyle, you are Nina's favourite comedian of all time.

Fuck you. You said, you said you wouldn't say anything. You're like, yeah, come on, I'll be so chill. I was like, no, you don't understand. I really like Kyle Kinane and I can't he cannot know this Nina has said to me Nina has said to me oh you've talked to Kyle Kinane in real life

oh my god she found out about me having conversations with you a little bit of math a couple bottles of Pinot Grig Kyle Nina has cancer and this was her make-a-wish, so thanks for taking part in this, mate. We really appreciate it.

Pull off this wig. I'm glad you guys knew the only way I would be able to participate in a make-a-wish is by some trickery, so I'm glad. And also, Nina's make-a-wish is because she's now going to kill herself. It's no disease or anything. It's just plain old suicide. Really, the lockdown has set in. Oh, boy. self it's no disease or anything it's just plain old suicide the lockdown is set in oh boy well uh they haven't found a vaccine for depression so yeah yes they have i have so much of it right here

which kind do you need give me a p.o box off the air off the air uh yeah kyle and nina thank you so much for joining us uh nina people can find you on the socials at nina oyama and uh you have some tour dates that'll be rescheduled at some stage yeah who fucking knows man like look out for it but i don't i'm not i don't know we'll see go to your website go to your socials all that shit yeah yeah yep Kyle people can check out your last album Trampoline Into Digits on the streaming services

and you can buy it it's great I've listened to it a few times really really good stuff so check that out get out of here and

you got tour dates coming up in the states for our American listeners in a couple of weeks yeah yeah we're either vaccinated and free to roam or unvaccinated and maybe going to die soon. I don't care who you are.

Just give me your money. So check out kylekanein.com for all that sort of stuff, all the dates and whatnot. Guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. They have done it again.

You're right, Tommy. Good call. Yeah. That was a bit of fun. I presume there was a fair bit of Zoom editing. Oh, yes. Yeah. There's a bunch of little bits and pieces where everyone got a little bit too excited, I felt.

A lot of talking over. So hopefully that doesn't come out too bad in the end. But it was funny. You never know when you get all the files back. Like you walk away from a Zoom session and you think, oh, maybe that was just me. Maybe my internet was on a bit of a lag and it was all kind of fine. And then you kind of line all the tracks up and you see them all kind of in a line, just all kind of peaking at the same time.

And you go, yep, all right, time to dig through the wreckage. Yeah, looks like at the very least we could release this as a barbershop quartet recording. But as a podcast, not as much fun. Well, do you know a lot of the time what the method is? Is I'll listen to each track individually and I'll just have to pick who of all the three stooges pushing through the door at the same time, which one of the four of us had the best line there?

Great. They get to be in the edit and the other three get chopped. Good. Well, that's a very good way of doing it. Well done. The editorial policy. So, you know, if you listen to a little zinger that one of us had in there and you think, oh, that's not very good, well, just keep in mind,

there are three worse ones in the mix at the time. Great. Great. And if you don't hear much of me, I've had a bad week. Sorry, guys. I just didn't get through the editing process. I'm going to play my internet connection in my house for my performance in this one. And if you don't hear much of me, I've had a bad week. Sorry, guys. I just didn't get through the editing process. I'm going to blame my internet connection in my house

for my performance in this one. We said up top, Melbourne, the big 500th episode, believe it or not, it is not happening on August the 14th. It has had to be pushed back once again. Who would have thunk it? So, yeah, we weren't able to get all the people into the Athenaeum Theatre or even many people or, at this point, any people. Yeah, I mean, we famously had a hard time booking that Sydney show

and that was before a ring of steel existed around the state that the show was in. So it kind of felt like, yeah, we've got to move this one. Yeah. So we did hear it from a lot of interstate people who were very worried about not being able to come. That is no longer a worry. I hope you've held on to your tickets.

Let's hope that we are all in a better place in January and it's going to be summer, it's going to be fun and let's hope that the theat theaters are all opened up and yes it's closer to 600th episode than 500th episode but you guys get it right you understand what's happening right and uh good things come to those who wait or you know passable things come to those who wait so i love i don't know if we've said this yet but like anytime we've had to delay a show and then it comes up and it starts to look unlikely that it's going to be able to happen on the date that it's scheduled in for, we get all these people on the socials going, ah, ha, ha, the dum-dum curse. As if we're the only live performance thing that's being affected in the last 18 months, as if every other show has been able to go ahead as scheduled, except for us. Every other show has been able to go ahead as scheduled except for us. Were we touring every country in the world in the last 18 months, Tommy?

Because a lot of places have had a lot of problems. So I presume we were – were we supposed to be in Iraq as well? What was happening? Rage Against the Machine. We're just about to be having a reunion tour when the pandemic hit. And I wonder if people were messaging Zach De La Roca going, looks like you've been hit by the dum-dum curse with this one. Just they've done it again.

It's trending on Twitter for every band. Like, fuck. So, yeah, anyway, January, January 2022. Oh, 22. Oh, no, January 15, 2022. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 22. Oh, no, January 15, 2022. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you'll all be getting emails from the ticket supplier.

You'll get all the info. Thanks for holding onto the tickets. Thank you very much. And yeah, yeah, keep the faith. I've got a good feeling about this one. Oh, yeah. I've got a good feeling. I was lobbying to move the date to April the 25th, 2022.

I thought it would have been good to just change it from celebrating the 500th episode of the podcast to celebrating the two-year anniversary of the original date of the 500th episode of the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah, look, that date is like literally the only date we could have gotten. The theatre that we're using is booked up for about 18 months already. So they said we've got one spare date.

Yeah, it's like, is it a lot of like it's bookings that were going to be happening around then anyway, plus then also shuffling on stuff that got moved from the lockdowns and whatever? Oh, plus just, you know, the live entertainment industry going, let's book some shows in. We haven't done any for 18 months. So everyone trying to book in stuff at once. So there was a little old Saturday night spot for us, which is great news.

And, you know, look, that's a good date. Like that's a, you know, it's a pretty optimistic, nice date where we kind of think you know things could be you know a lot better by then yeah hopefully yeah i mean when we when we put in august the 14th 2021 we thought fuck that's ages away yeah yeah and to be and to be honest like i was thinking this just before i think we got offered two different dates, August and like end of April. And it was like, oh, as if anything's going to be fixed by end of April 2021. In hindsight, I think we could have done a full version.

I think we could have done a full house at the end of April. I think theatres went back to full capacity, I think right as the comedy festival was ending. So, yeah, we would have. Yeah, the assumption that more time will mean that things are more better in Australia has proven to be completely wrong. What actually makes things better and viable to do a show in is complete luck.

100% just you happen to have something scheduled in in the glorious one week before things get fucked again and you get to go interstate and do the gig. What you need is the opposite of what happened to us in Perth. You need to get the germs that were used in that instance, find a vaccine for that and use that. But hey, we did Adelaide. We got an Adelaide show under the belt in 2021. Yeah.

So what we do need to talk about, I guess, Tommy, is speaking of shows and delays and stuff like that, we've heard a lot of people worried about the Melbourne show, the 500th show. We haven't really heard anyone worry about the Brisbane show that's coming up on the 7th of August, which either means that people in Brisbane are just, again, unaware that anything's happening around the world at the moment

or they don't care or they're very, very optimistic. So, look, at time of recording, it is July the 27th at time of recording, we are not currently able to enter Queensland at the moment. We are hoping that that's the case, but we, look, be checking the news. I'll be checking the news and we'll put all of the info on the socials. We'll be emailing people out if we are unable to.

We're certainly trying to get up there on the 7th of August. If not, we will be aiming to get up there ASAP. There won't be any sort of 2022 bullshit happening we'll be like okay as soon as the gates are open as soon as we can get up there maybe it's instead of the august the 7th it'll be august the 14th it'll be august the 21st whatever it is so we're absolutely trying our best to get up there on the 7th if not we'll be working with you guys to find an asap date to get up there and just finally get one of these motherfuckers done instead of collecting the money of every state

and then not going there and doing a show. Yeah, we are feeling a bit like snake oil salesmen at the moment, aren't we? We've got these tickets that are in limbo from a lot of people around the country. So, yeah, hang on to your tickets. Keep your eyes on the socials. Keep your eyes on the socials. Keep your eyes on the news. If you can tear yourselves away from your local Queensland newspaper website and focus on the Vic one because that's where you're more likely

to get the updates about what we're able to do. Well, your real news updates, the real news site is the Dum Dum socials. That's when you'll be finding out whether we're coming or not. And everyone with tickets will be emailing you guys with the updates as soon as we know them. Also, you said we do feel like we're snake oil salesmen at this point, but we're terrible ones because we don't even have much of the money. That's a good point.

It mostly shows they're going through third-party ticketing places. And so, look, Ticketek are loving the interest on all these tickets. We aren't so much. But, yeah, at least they're doing all right. At least Mr. and Mrs. Eck are doing okay. They're putting food on the table still. Yeah, I mean, they're earning their keep by seemingly not really emailing people to let

them know that shows were coming up when they were coming up but uh i guess they've been vindicated by this new announcement so yeah whatever good for them yeah totally totally i did email the ticker deck to go are you going to give them any updates oh like what oh fucking hell and then the next email is don't worry about it yeah so yeah yeah so yeah keep your eyes on the socials uh yeah we're at dumdum club on twitter and at little dumdum club on instagram and uh yeah that'll be the best place for you to find that out and also keep an eye on your inbox uh yeah yeah if we're if if we feel like we're able to do it um in the couple of days leading up to the 7th then uh yeah we'll we – I guess we'll send out a little confirmation

that it's all – that we're all good. We'll send out a little reminder. But, yeah, just keep your eye on it. Get ready. Get ready because it could be a thing where the gates open on the Monday or the Tuesday and then we go, hey, we're there this Saturday. So just clear your next month, Brisbane. Yes.

And also, you know, if you missed out on tickets, you know, it was sold out with plenty of advance time. If you missed out on tickets, you know, there could be people that all of a sudden can't make it. So there might be some tickets available. So get excited, Brisbane. We're excited. And speaking of which, if it does happen that we have to move it,

that we can only get up there at the last minute, say the week after, and you personally can't come then because you've got a christening, do not message us. Do not correspond with us to let us know that you can't make it. I'm sorry that that's the case, but guess what? We don't care. If you've got a ticket and you're looking for a refund, we get it. If you don't have a ticket and you tell us you're not coming, that means fucking nothing. I'll say this. It means I'm punching a wall or something because I'm like, don't fucking messages. I don't care. in lockdown five times in Melbourne now, six times if you count in Perth,

went over there and wasted money, are going to be monitoring the border situation and possibly loading up the pickup truck and fucking just hooning it down the highway. We don't care that you can't come to our little gig. Like, this is a stressful thing for us. We don't need to be kept in the loop of your social arrangements. We're worried about ourselves. We're possibly flying a guest or something up there as well there's a lot of different things happening and then fucking gary fuck brain of um gary fuck brain of fucking i don't know what's a suburb of

brisbane um who cares who cares brisbane brisbaneville oh sorry guys i'm playing magic the gathering that afternoon. I'm not going to be able to make it to the podcast. Yeah, sorry. I'm an understudy at the Rock of Stedford out in New Farm. There we go. There we go. That's a suburb.

Fuck off. Fuck off. Anyway, cool. That's what's happening. So, man, it's going to be exciting. It's going to be exciting when we when we when we finally get out there and get one of these fucking shows happening so um we're we're excited to get to to brisbane's a lovely place and lovely weather so we apart from being in lockdown down here it's been shit

weather so it'd be nice and you know as as we as you guys probably know this time of year i've usually run for southeast asia and um yeah yeah at at the moment, obviously, that's not a – I can't even get to fucking Frankston at the moment, let alone Koh Samui. So it's – You'll have to settle for Northeast Australia. Yes, absolutely. All right, that's all the live show.

Communication, I think, Tommy, for this week. Yeah, do we have anything else to chat about? Because speaking of the weather, it's actually a pretty nice day here today. So do we want to, is there anything else we need to chat about or should we get into doing some names? Well, I thought maybe we could do a very, very brief edition of

Talking Gibbo. Yeah, there was a protest over the weekend about the lockdowns and whatnot, and someone sent us a thing of like some aerial footage of the crowd, and it was someone who thought they'd seen Bill Gibson in the crowd. And it was like someone going,

is this Bill Gibson at the Freedom Rally? And it's like it's just a blonde woman with sunglasses on. It's a bit of a long bow, I think. I do love i do love the thought that well if they're into one evil thing they must be into all of them uh so this must be tracks yeah it does it does track it's like you didn't even need to send the photo if you just told me that she was there i'd be like yeah makes sense i buy it so i was thinking well at the moment so we're still doing stuff on zoom and we might be still doing stuff on zoom for

another week or two at least. You know, I like this idea of, you know, Brisbane sort of is breaking my heart if we don't get together immediately because, you know, you want a goal. You want something to look forward to. You've got to have something sitting there to aim at. So I'm thinking we haven't done a podcast in the room for a while, Tommy. Next time we do one, you you know you've got the cookbook you've got the bell gibson cookbook yep how about how about you gear up and you get ready to to to make something so next time we're in the room yeah that was always the plan yeah right well have you

got the cookbook there have you got can we go can we go through it quickly and just maybe we can pick something to um i'll pick something out uh like right now. Yeah, give me a sec. I'll have to go get it from the other room. One second. All right. Tommy is pulling his pants up. His dick is still hanging out the zip. He's still ejaculating, but he has pulled his pants up, so he can waddle out of the room.

An absolute massive stream of cum is following him. It's like Hansel and Gretel. I can see where he's gone. He's not going to get lost at this point. And now he's back. Here he is, Hansel himself. Or Gretel. It's 2021.

What were you saying? Oh, Tommy. Oh, no, nothing. Tommy, you've got the book. I've got the book. You've got the cookbook. It's called, of course... The Whole Pantry.

The Whole Pantry by Bell Gibson. Our generation's greatest cookbook. We've got it sitting in like a little kind of bookcase thing that's in our kitchen. And like I've just put it on display. And it's all well and good to have it like that while we're in lockdown. But I'm wondering when we go back to having people around at the house and stuff whether it's going to be subtly moved out. Because it is a thing of like having to explain.

It's a conversation starter. Yeah. Yep. Not a great kind of conversation, but sure. Put mine camp up there in there as well. Have a real good bookcase. So what are you – okay. So here are the categories.

We've got breakfast, salads and sides, snacks, mains. Maybe I'll look up snacks if we're – Yeah, I think stick away. If I'm cooking something for us to try during the podcast. Yes, I think so. I think so. Also, on top of everything, I don't know if we've talked about this, but I do love the idea that, like, Belle Gibson has, you know,

she's survived cancer. She's not a chef or anything. She's not a cook or anything. And she's just whacked together this, like, an entire cookbook despite having no qualifications, no previous culinary expertise, just has gone, well, I haven't died from cancer, so everything I eat, everything I've made myself must be cancer-proof. Yeah.

Okay, so we've got Thai salad wraps. I mean, they look like shit. They look so bland. Right. Yeah. They look like... I don't know. If I want to look forward to a salad wrap, you know, to get out of the house and that's the end goal, a salad wrap.

I don't know. I don't know. Well, that might be the naughtiest. Ty's got me going. That might be the naughtiest thing in here. Raw beetroot relish, sweet and sour cucumber, baba ganoush, seed crackers, cultured cashew cheese. I mean, people are giving up their time to come and do the pot.

I don't know if I want to insult them by serving them such dull food quinoa sausage sushi rolls they don't have any she doesn't have any like cancer proof

deep fried Mars bars or anything like a bit of fun roasted cauliflower zucchini and pumpkin frittata I love these like anytime you start

to get something kind of interesting it's in quotation marks like well it's not really a frittata. Right, right. Oh, this could be all right. Onion bhaji.

Have you ever had them? Like at a – it's kind of like – Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be into them. Yeah. Yeah, maybe that's the go. Can you put them in the air fryer? I think I could actually.

What do you do? Do you – I think you – oh, yeah – oh, yeah, you cook it in oil. So, yeah, I could use the air fryer. That's strange to have something that's like basically deep fried in there. Black sesame, bliss balls, no. Spiced pumpkin seed brittle, no. That's it. That's the whole snacks chapter.

All right, I'm making the onion bhaji. Great, great. So this will be nice. This will be maybe back to back. Us getting the vax, getting the COVID-19 immunization, and us getting the cancer immunization via the onion bhaji, back to back. Via the onion bhaji, via deep fried snack. Yeah.

All right, cool. Well, yeah. Great. Great. Looking forward to it looking um yeah look looking forward to it way too much given that it's 12 o'clock and uh we we've got an hour of this to do and i'm fucking hungry and i haven't had breakfast so yeah me either let's get this show on the for a bit of gibbo food should we uh should we get into did you say mcgibbos yes awesome mcgibbos um all right

let's get into uh thanking some of our patreon subscribers you can check out patreon.com slash little dum-dum club you can get two bonus mini episodes every week uh thank you to everyone who does that a lot of good feedback on the episodes they're really fun to do we have great guests on them uh there's a big catalogue of them there now, so if you sign up, you can get all of them. And more importantly, you go into the draw to get your name read out in the back end of an episode of The Little Dum Dum Club.

That's it. And, you know, look, I'm looking at you, New South Wales. You guys are locked down. And, you know, I'm no doctor, but I'm going to say you're in there for a little while, I reckon. So, you know, if you chuck a few shekels our way,

once you clock Netflix and you clock Amazon Prime and you get through Amazon Prime and all the episodes of Family Matters that are on there and all the episodes of, I don't know, 10-pin bowling telecast from 1967 or all the other absolute fucking dog shit they've got on there. Maybe you can try our dog shit. I know Sydney people find it, like, very tedious.

And so do some Melbourne people of, like, you know, people in Melbourne are like, oh, Sydney, we get how much you're hurting. And, like, I know it's, like, tedious to play that card and everything. But what I will say is if you're listening and you're in Sydney, don't make any plans for August. It ain't happening. Don't be planning to watch the grand final with some mates.

I don't think that's even happening. Yeah, well, I mean, especially don't be planning on watching the grand final any year in August, to be honest, because that's not when it is. No, but I mean by the time that does roll around, I would say. Oh, right. I would say don't be too confident. Yeah, I think that's very fair.

So, yeah, I would say you're insane not to sign up to our Patreon, to be honest. Exactly, yeah. The only thing that got Melbourne through last year was all our bonus episodes. So that's how we did it, guys. If you want to get through it. You guys wouldn't have seen it up there in Sydney, but Dan Andrews personally thanked us when the lockdown ended last year.

Yeah. Yeah. It was we got this combined with we've done it again. That were the inspirational quotes from down here in Victoria through the pandemic. There are zero cases to report of the coronavirus out in the community. And can I just say, on behalf of every person in the great state of Victoria, they've done it again.

Yeah, yeah. And can I say, Bernie has kicked a big one. There is one case of big ones being kicked in the community. We've traced it. Via contact tracing, we found it was Bernie. So there's nothing to worry about. No, I reckon it would be more like – and Jerone will be coming up later to speak to whether or not Bernie has kicked a big one.

All right. All right. So let's read out some names there are look i'll confirm it there's we want to get out we want to get lunch we want to get some of this beautiful sunlight streaming through my window at the moment so uh let's say there are there are officially five confirmed cases of names to be read out today five confirmed cases who are active in the community while they were subscribing to the Little Dumb Dumb Club. They're active in the Dumb Dumb community. They're active in the monetary Dumb Dumb community.

So let's celebrate that. A lot of people don't want people to be named when they've done the wrong thing in the community. Well, these five people have done the right thing, so let's name them. Yeah. So give us our first, what's our first tier one exposure site for this week? By the way, if someone doesn't write a book – I've been thinking about this more and more. If someone doesn't write a book at the end of all this experience about – I want to see a book just of the profiles of the people who fucked it up for everyone else during this whole shit fight.

So I want to see two to three chapters on the guy, the security guard who fucked whoever it was in quarantine. A return traveller. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then went back and gave it to his family, whatever. I want to see a chapter or two on the removalists from Sydney. I want to see all the stars that we've heard about, but we don't know the real, we haven't heard it in their own words.

I want to see – I think it's optimistic to think that that'll be a book. It's more like a Vice article that'll be like, I went and did DMT with all the people who kicked off coronavirus outbreaks. Well, a boy can dream. Okay, let's kick this off. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber number one this week, first cap off the rank. It is

Jeff Hammett. Jeff Hammett. Almost like Hamlet, but not quite. Yeah, well, I know, because we can say his name. It's not bad luck to say his name in this instance. No, you're thinking of Macbeth. Oh, that's right.

That's a bad luck one. Damn. Mate, you can say Hamlet as much as you want on this podcast. I'm fine with that. Oh, fuck yeah. There's absolutely no risk. Hamlet it up. Maybe there was a lot of people back in the day that were like, yeah,

that refused to get a role in the other play. And everyone was about Hamlet because it's like, oh, look, not that good of a play, but we can say the name of it whenever we want. That's a real fucking bonus. It's a real bonus. Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet, Hamlet. Oh, man, this feels so free.

There would have been people that got cast in Macbeth. Sorry, that got cast in the Scottish play. I don't want to curse this recording. The M word. Yeah, that got cast in that and then went home and they're all excited and, you know, they wanted to tell their family or significant other or whoever and they're like, oh, so what play is it? And they're like, I wish I could say, but I can't.

Do you think that's the origin of like kind of like the false modesty like on social media phenomenon of like kind of like the false modesty like on you know social media phenomenon of like some big news guys i wish i could post about it but i just can't i wonder if that's the uh yeah yeah you know that what about this do you think there was open micers back there that were getting out there like edgy open micers that were getting out there and saying the m word all the time getting on their stools and just chucking out the M word. Everyone's like, man, you can't say that, man. Right, right.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Just thinking they're edgelords saying it. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. The people that he can say it, Mr. M, he can say it, but you can't say it. You can't say it, yeah. But I was in a production of it once. Doesn't matter.

It's not the same thing. No, no, no. Not the same thing. Heaps of my friends have been in it. Not the same thing. Sorry. Some of my best friends are in it. No, no, no.

You don't get a Scottish play pass. But what about if I'm just like, what if it comes up in a song and I'm just like, you know, I'm singing along. The window's down. Yeah. John. Was it John The window's down. John. Was it John? No, Jeff. Jeff.

Jeff Hammett. The G word. Jeffrey. The G word. Jeff Rowe. What do you think of, do you think that Jeff with a G is the equivalent of Carl with a C? It is. No, it's different.

Because car with a C, I think, is just a watered-down car with a K. Whereas Jeff with a G is just fucking weird. Like, Jeff, G-E-F-F, it works. I get it. Isn't it usually, it's G-E-O-F-F, isn't it? Yeah, that's the other weird thing about it. Why have you got the O in there? You're jumping through hoops.

You're overcomplicating it. Just simplify it. Jeff is a simple word. You couldn't, if you ask, I reckon I could get my kid nearly to spell Jeff at the moment. She's two and a half, just about. It makes sense. It's just, it is what it is.

But G-E-O-F-F. What other Patreon names can she spell? Well, if there was a Patreon subscriber whose name was 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10, then she could spell that. She could spell the name. Okay, right. Interesting. Maybe there will be this week.

Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? Who knows who signs up to this crazy old show? I wish I could look into the future, but I can't. Just saying. Maybe later. Maybe when we're thinking back to some great moments in this recording. I know what you're saying, Tommy.

If an infinite amount of monkeys had an infinite amount of typewriters then yes hypothetically somewhere in a million years time that could be a thing that happens right that could be an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters would eventually type out one two three four five six seven eight nine ten yes at some stage it could take a million years it could take two million years but it is it could happen at some stage. It could take a million years. It could take two million years. But it could happen at some point. It could take 15 minutes for all we know. Look, it's probably Tommy Little's password on his phone. But, yeah.

Well, thanks, Geoff. Thanks, Geoff. Thanks, Geoff. Thanks, Geoff. Thanks, Geoff. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber James Foley. Okay. Yeah. Foley. Foley.

Is this the Foley grip? Is that the term in showbiz, backstage in showbiz? Is it the foley grip or am I thinking of something else? I thought foley was where you do like the people that do like the sound effects and stuff. Ah, right. So like if someone's walking down a path and they're stepping on like a crunchy leaf, when you film this, you're not going to get that sound so you've got i remember there being a thing at um at uh warner brothers movie world where you would go into like a theater and they would show you a scene and then they would show you how the foley artists um you know do all the sound effects

so they'd be there with like a you know a tub of sand and you'd watch them kind of like sync it up to the film and it's meant to be like, check out movie magic, but being like eight years old and going, this looks like the most boring job in the world. Like they're trying to be like, how cool is this? We just get to play around with stuff all day and make, you know, make the sound in the movies. It's like, yeah, but no one knows that you've,

like if you've had to put on an exhibit to show people that your job even exists. Because they're going, most people think that the sound that a foot makes on carpet just happens in the film. But it doesn't. We have to do that. It's like, wow, your job sucks. Yeah. Look, it's certainly one of those jobs, I think, that couldn't be done by everyone. It's one of those jobs where the people who are into it,

it's lucky you're into it because no one would do it otherwise. But there are certain people that are hooked up in a certain way where it's like, this is the best job ever. And it's like, I'm fucking wrapped, you like it, because that job would not exist otherwise. You've got those guys sitting there going like, how exciting is this? And it's like, you realize that the police

academy stunt show is happening next door right like something where people are flipping a car through the air and bursting into flames and you're there going like see if i crunch this leaf it sounds like a can yeah yeah yeah yeah oh what about if i chew chewing gum instead of bubble gum? Like, I think that could make this movie better. Okay. Okay, mate. Sure. Yeah, yeah. Try Hubba Bubba.

Try PK. Whatever fucking floats your boat. Who gives a fuck? Just make it sound like a cow is eating a bit of grass for two seconds. That's all we need. That's all we need. However you fucking want. If you want to use strawberry, if you want to use spearmint,

who gives a fuck? Honestly, we're probably going to cut the scene anyway because it's like the film's too long already and just as we're describing it to you, we realise this is really boring. Why have we just got a shot of a cow chewing? So honestly, don't spend too much time on it because it's probably going to be on the cutting room floor.

This is The Fast and the Furious 14. We don't even know why there's any space for a cow to be eating in this movie whatsoever. We'll probably just hit the cow with a car without any form of eating. It's not part of La Familia, so it's completely expendable to the movie. It does not need to be in there at all. Cows are not fast nor furious. So, yeah, if we need, this will be the first thing that goes out of the movie. Absolutely.

So that's you. That's you, James Foley. Yeah. That's, as we all know, your last name is what you do. So, yeah. At the very least, it's what I read that your great, great, great, great grandfather probably did at some stage. That's great if he's got his name from his ancestors. So like the first Foley artist from the M-word.

What if he was the Foley artist from the M-word? What if it's more like you've got the court jester in there and he's like trying to do like a fart gag or whatever and then you've just got the court jester's Foley artist just like behind a partition, just going to sit down. Yes. Yes.

The court jester bends over and then he just like, he plays a trumpet backstage. Yeah, he's not Mr. Methane. He can't do this on command. And he wants to, you know, he wants the king to have a good time. So he's got his little foley artist in there to do all the to do all the trickery for him going with a trumpet is great yeah yeah it's like the the maybe the jester invented the foley artist because he's doing these fart jokes and just he's seen too many of his peers get executed after they've followed through like they were just too desperate

to continue the laughs right shit themselves and stunk out the palace. Great insult to the king. Yeah, absolutely. And so this is the thing that temporarily kept the court jester alive, the foley artist. What about the king who wants that? The king who's like, you know, he wants like that equivalent of jackass. So he's like, the jester's up there doing his little ribald japes,

and he's like, you know what? If you could just skateboard into the wall. You're overthinking this, man. You've got written stuff. It's dull. I just want to see you get kicked by a bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, the language we have at the moment is way too flowery for it to be very funny.

It's not a very punchy English language we have at the moment. We're going to need another four or five hundred years for words to be particularly funny. So, yeah, if you can stick your head up a cow's ass, it'll really help us out here in and eat it. Yeah. You can stick your head up a cow's ass. It'll really help us out here in the monarchy. Yep. Yep. But that's where you came from, James Foley. Yeah.

That's the Foley lineage. Yep. Yep. Congrats. Thanks, James. Congrats. Thanks, James, for your contribution, your family's contribution to society. To the arts.

Yeah, and for another contribution to the arts via your money to us. You're a double dipper or the opposite of whatever a dipper is. Thanks, Jimmy F. Thanks, James. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Katarina Poulakis. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah.

Katarina. Yeah. Katarina Poulakis. So a little bit of, a bit of, of Greece in the show today, Tommy. Okay.

Don't mind that. Our Greek friends have, have contributed this week. Thank you very much. They've contributed, obviously, so much to society already. Yep. Again, to entertainment via anal. And now this.

Yep. Once again, giving back, if you know what I'm saying. Yeah. Two great art forms. The foley artist and the anal artist, back to back. There we go. Can't have one without the other. Being the foley artist for just a porno with just some real brutal anal stuff in it, that's a heavy assignment. That is.

You know that that is a job, right? Like that's – has that been in a mainstream movie? I can't remember. I feel like it has. It's in – isn't it Garden State where he goes in and there's the lady doing the like dubbing the voices in the porno? Oh, I don't know. But I haven't seen that movie.

But I mean like – I, in a different country. Like, I've seen a porno, like an American porno translated into another language. Dubbed, all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there are, like, German versions of American pornos. That's great. What's, oh, in French? Yeah.

I think I've heard it where it's like, oh, and I remember thinking, oh, this is more aggressive than the original. Okay. Okay. So this is what they do. This is how they think. This is what they're into. This is how sex sounds in Germany.

Okay. All right. I'll keep that in mind. I'm sure Katarina's loving this. She must have known what she was in for, though. Let's swing it back the other way. Yeah. You can't have a Greek name and come on this show and not expect one of the great inventions of –

But, hey, just to – this isn't really anything to do with Katarina, but this reminded me of this from the name we were talking about before when I mentioned Jackass. Did you watch that new trailer? I certainly did, yes. Oh, yeah. A bunch of old men getting brain damage. Yeah. Speaking of things to look forward to,

that is right up the top of my list. October 15 or whatever it is. I fucking can't wait, dude. Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. I didn't realise that Jackass, the original movie, is on Netflix. So, I started watching it the other night.

So, yeah, I did, I did, I had unrealistic plans. Last night I tried to, I've been, I bought a Liverpool DVD

that's of the championship year, 2019, 2020, and I thought, I'm going to sit here, I'm going to have a few drinks, and I'm going to watch the whole thing. But the thing is, you can't really – it's pretty hard to do that given that my wife

is working from home and my child is around a lot of the time. So last night I saw a little window and I went for that, and I really only got an hour out of it, and then my child came back inside and it was just just yelling at me to put on pepper pig or whatever while i've already had two or three drinks already so then i'm just like half pissed on the couch watching fucking cartoons so it's like okay all right so that's i i kind of thought the same thing about jackass i'm gonna i'm gonna save this i'm gonna watch this at the right time but i don't really think there's a right time in my situation so what about when the kids are asleep yeah but then i can watch it on the computer but on tv i can't have the volume up or the kid will

wake up that's what happens a little blanket will wake up you could hook headphones into your tv couldn't you i don't know can i I don't know how to do it. Yeah, I'm sure you could find out a way to do it. I don't know how old your TV is, but you could get an extension cord for the headphones. But yeah, I know what you mean. You need a... Jackass is one of those films, in spite of how there's not plot or anything to follow,

you really need the right conditions. You can't just kind of throw it on. But I am excited for that fourth one, because I think the thing that's great about that franchise need you really need the right conditions it's you can't just like kind of throw it on but i'm excited for that fourth one because i think the thing that's great about that franchise is that there's no like a lot of things when they've had a bit of a break and then they bring it back you think like oh this will probably be shit that you know if it's like a you know they've they've lost the magic or they don't know how to tell a good story with these characters anymore but with jack ass it's like it's kind of impossible for them to make a bad version

of it or a disappointing version of it at least. It's like, as long as there's a bunch of them getting hurt and doing stupid shit, I'll be into it. And there's a possibility of it being even better now that they're all 50 and you're seeing grey-haired men fall headfirst off buildings. It's like, oh, this could be you know, this could be potentially funnier because we're like, yeah, they might be actually genuinely hurt. When you're 20, you can get up and you're okay.

This is a permanent damage. Yeah, that moment in the trailer where a friend of the show, Steve-O, turns to the camera and says, concussion's only really bad once you're 50 and Knoxville's 49. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Funny. Yeah, get out there.

Get out there when it's out and support a friend of the show. We love to send people along to people who've been on this show. Check out their comedy festival shows. But once Jackass Forever's in cinema, go support a past guest, Steve-O. The cinema. I forgot. Yeah. We should go and do some pre-drinks and go and see it The cinema. I forgot. Yeah. We should go and do some pre-drinks and go and see it with a bunch of people.

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Okay. Let's do that. Let's go gold class. Let's go get a gold class session. Imagine that and just people getting carried away.

It turns out we're getting chalk tops in the fucking eye. Just all of our dickhead mates going, yeah, yeah, we're like them. Let's fucking just headbutt each other. Oh, yuck. Totally. All right. Well, thanks, Katerina. Thanks, Katerina.

Beautiful first name, I would say. Yeah, I agree. Better than just – it's a shame if she shortened it to Kate. But Katerina, a nice name. A proper good name. As opposed to this next name. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Mark Craven. Jesus. That's a tough one. Any relation to Wes,

you think? The horror movie Maestro? The master of the macabre. What are his big ones? What are Big Wes's big hits? Nightmare. Nightmare on Elm Street and that's it. Really?

That's it? Yeah. Yeah. He did about seven of them. Good for him. I don't think he's done... I think he may have done like... Like...

Whatever else he's done has paled into insignificance. Yeah. He would have done... He would have tried something else and it wouldn't have been that great. And he would have gone back to it. You want to look this MF up? Oh, no. Sorry.

He also did the... He also did the Scream franchise. Nightmare on Elm Street. Oh, did he? And Scream. Did he do the first one? Also directed... He did... He directed the first four.

He also directed cult classics, The Last House on the left, and The Hills Have Eyes. Oh, The Hills Have Eyes. Yeah, I take all that back. Oh, and psychological thriller Red Eye. You ever seen Red Eye? I'm a damn fool. No, I've never seen it. Not bad.

Pretty good premise. I'm just looking him up on IMDb at the moment. He directed, they're giving him this credit. He directed the Scream 4 gag reel. So if you ever want to see any bloopers from Scream 4, just know who directed that. Yeah, where instead of someone getting stabbed, he slips and stabs himself and then farts.

Yeah. He also directed The Serpent and the Rainbow, which has a permanent space inside my head from being a child and seeing the video cover in the video shop. And it's a face coming out of a coffin saying, but I'm not dead yet. So that stuck with me. Yeah. Thanks for that one, Wes.

The blooper reel kind of really faded out of popularity pretty quickly. Had a red hot moment there at the end of comedy. Maybe I should do that with these Zoom episodes, The blooper reel kind of really faded out of popularity pretty quickly, didn't it? Yeah. Had a red hot moment there at the end of comedy. Maybe I should do that with these Zoom episodes, just get to the end and chuck in a blooper reel of all the points where people are accidentally talking over each other. Yeah, yeah. Just when I chop them out, just save them and then put the, you know,

they always have the little beep beep, like kind of reset sound in the blooper reel of just like. Right, right, right. Sorry, you go. but we've as we've just been talking about within like one minute yeah the blooper reel's disappeared you know why because that's its own show now jackass that's a full fucking basically blooper show yeah yeah yeah that's true they've embraced the accident they've they've gone with on purpose accidents i always thought it was kind of a bit

of a weird thing to have in a film because it's like you're meant to i i don't know i i i never really found any of the bloopers that are in them that funny to begin with it's always like i'm sure this is funny if you were like working on it at the time it's like oh will ferrell said the line wrong that's haha that's funny i guess yeah but it's also it also felt weird to me that like you're suspending your disbelief for an hour and a half going okay this is all really happening this is happening in front of me i'm in the world of this film i'm meant to be believing this character that this is a true set of circumstances that's happening to this real character and then literally the minute the story is done it's like just kidding these were just people protect you

know what i mean it's always like it always. These were just people pretend. You know what I mean? It's always like, it always felt like a weird thing to just like undermine the reality of the film two seconds after it's finished. I think with comedies, it's fine. But with horror films, I think that's bizarre. Yeah, that is really weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With comedies, it's like, well, they were being funny and he's then being funny in a different manner.

It's like, that's fine. Yeah. But with horror films, like, yeah, if all of a sudden he's then being funny in a different manner. It's like, that's fine. Yeah. But with horror films, like, yeah, if all of a sudden you see Freddy Krueger's dick fall out of his pants and everyone laughs, it's like, oh, yeah, that's weird. That's pretty good. Yeah. It is good, but I don't know if I can be scared by Freddy again, you know. That's a good horror movie villain.

Maybe that could be a funny fella's sketch, the horror movie villain who his dick is constantly falling out of his pants. So he's like chasing these teens and he's got like a big machete in his hand and they're terrified and then he's like just kind of lunges and his jeans rip and his dick just flops out and they're like, we're not scared of you anymore, dude. I'm sorry. He's like, fuck, I've got to get better pants pants yeah it keeps falling out when i'm trying to murder teenagers

where's well we can get where's where's on board with that sketch yeah he's 72 he can't be doing too much exactly well thanks mark craven thanks mark. I hope we haven't disrespected your uncle too much, your great uncle, whatever the fuck he is. But thanks for – he created – your uncle, whoever he was, created very famous horror movies and, yeah, you're supporting something equally horrific in the form of this show. So the family tradition continues. Okay, let's do the form of this show. So the family tradition continues. Okay, let's do the last one this week.

Let's have a look at what it is. Okay, this is interesting. This is an interesting first and last name, Tommy. Oh, okay. Yeah. So this will be good. Like we've had a good run this week. We're always looking for something interesting that we can riff off in people's names.

Yep. If we get one thing, whether it's the first or the last name, we're pretty wrapped. Now, if you get two things, you are absolutely stoked that you can riff off. If it's the first and last name that's of interest or funny, we're in absolute heaven. Yep. So when it comes to this last name, it's a little bit of a shame

because only one of the names is interesting. But anyway, here we go. Thank you to Patreon subscriber 12345678910comedy. And that's all spelled out? That's not the numbers? Is that the numbers? It's the numbers. Oh, it's the numbers.

Right. Pretty strange stuff. Bit of a bogan name, I think. Is it? In what way? Just having all the numbers there. You think numbers are bogan, do you think? Yeah.

Do you think maths is a bit beneath you? It's a bit lower class. Maths is for the lower classes. Maths is very blue collar in my opinion. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I just have a lot of yachts. I don't count them. That's not for me.

That's for… No, I mean, I'm on a yacht and so I use English to spell out the word yacht. I'm writing the name of the yacht on the slide. Whereas, you know, what are the professions that you use numbers for? You know, building. Yeah. I assume plumbing. Those – the Arabic form of numerology, be it bogans.

We all know the Arabs have all got mullets. Massive bogans. Yep. And hooded up cars. Yep. Coward punching each other in the back of the head. Yeah. It's like they say, if you can count to ten,

you might be a redneck. All right. Well, thanks, 12345678910comedy. Thanks, thanks, That Person Comedy. And thanks, everyone who supports the show, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub. Get yourself the two bonus episodes every week by signing up. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com for the tickets to the upcoming shows

and the merchandise that we have. And, yeah, thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you next.