The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 570 - John Safran & Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

It's the return of our favourite author JOHN SAFRAN and his old community radio buddy DAVE O'NEIL! Dave's zooming in from his backyard so apologies in advance for all the tweeting birds you can hear in the background. We get stuck in to some of John's memories of appearing on Hey Hey It's Saturday before chatting about his new book Puff Piece, which is all about Phillip Morris and the smoking industry. John also shares with us a tale even more explosive and mysterious than anything he's written about before: tracking down the author of a negative review! Plus we chat Freemasons, subscribing to The Australian, John's link to Belle Gibson, and heaps more! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests John Safran and Dave O'Neill. The Little Dumb Dumb Club is on Patreon. If you want to support the show and get two bonus episodes every week, you can do that. littledumbdumbclub.com is where you can find the link to that. We also have some live shows on sale at the moment. You can roll the dice, you can get a ticket, we're going to come to you at some point. We got the merch on there as well heaps of great stuff so check out the website littledumbdumbclub.com we will talk to you more at the end of this episode in talking dumb dumb but until then enjoy this great new episode with john saffran and dave o'neill yeah Hey, mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us.

My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickheads. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, John Safran and Dave O'Neill. Yes. Yes. Shalom, salam.

How are you? Two very different backgrounds. John is zooming in from the library. We've got Dave O'Neill in the backyard of his house. It's taken him 20 minutes to get online, so we are just raring to go over here. Dave, why are you in the backyard? We're recording something.

We want the best possible sound and audio, and you're out next to your fucking scarecrow. Why are you out there? Because the house is full of three kids homeschooling, so they've all got to have one separate room. Then there's my wife. I've got the Zoom room. I could go in there, but I don't know. I like that. Yeah.

Why wouldn't you go in the room that's named after the thing you're doing right now? I'm going to be telling an emotional story, and then suddenly there'll be seagull squids coming from your mic. Before you got here, there was 15 minutes of John stressing that his mic was working properly and that we were going to get the best quality audio from him and then Dave comes in and he's like lying on the footpath. His camera is on

a side angle. On a pop plant. It's on a pop plant. And also the guy sometimes starts up his mower. You listen to the guy start the mower next door. We can see the wind blowing the trees. I like being outside. Beautiful audio quality coming up.

What I love as well is, so Dave, you've come out. You took 15 minutes to figure out how to open Zoom and get in this chat. Then the phone was sideways. Now we can see the name of your phone on the Zoom meeting, and it's Dave O'Neill's iPhone R. So you haven't even figured out how to name your iPhone fucking properly. No, no. Well, my wife always comes up with Excelsior Force.

I don't know why. So it's just one of those random things. I don't know. It's just one of those random things. Okay, boomers. I'm Gen X, though. I'm absolutely looking forward to it. For people that are listening to this episode at home,

don't be weirded out when we seem like we're talking to Dave O'Neill and you hear no audio at all because he's forgotten to hit record. So sorry about that, everyone. I have hit record, but sometimes my recorder stuffs up. So anyway, it'll be good. It'll be quality. John Safran's here. We used to work together, me and John, years ago.

Good friends. And what can I say? Was he your tech support? And that's why you're in the fix you are in there? He was my one person of color friend. So I'm a different background. Wow. And the color was white.

Interesting. Right, right. Yeah, but one of the original citizens of the world, Carl, a Jewish person, because there weren't many Jews in Ringwood. There just weren't many. I don't know. But once I met John, I got right into it, right into it. I didn't know I was your token Jewish friend.

I thought you just liked me as a person. I didn't realise you were checking the box, yeah. That was just Dave hearing all the stories about the Jewish controlling the media and trying to get more gigs. That's all that was. Sorry, John. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, you guys worked together on community radio back in the day.

Yes. Triple R, kind of a breeding ground for a lot of great radio talent. And, Dave, it's good to see that you've taken that experience that you had on community radio and somehow managed to go backwards in terms of your broadcasting ability. Sitting outside in a windswept backyard. Yes. But, you know, John has got something in common with you guys.

He was a big teenage comedy fan. Isn't that right, John? Didn't you used to, like, stalk the D-Gen? Or was it, hey, hey? Oh, yeah, I used to stalk the D-Gen. Yeah, me and my friends, we used to, when the D-Generation did outside broadcasts on their Eon FM show before it became Triple M,

we'd go and, yeah, I guess stalk them would be a way. We'd go to the Swagman restaurant when they did an outside broadcast there oh i did west they did an outside broadcast on the tram and we went to that and then like years later because we were uh wagging school and we had our jewish skull caps on so years later when i got into the media myself like they remembered me as the guy. It was very emotional. Yeah, counting you as their one Jewish friend again. Yeah, wow.

Can we go back to the swag? Because they also did a broadcast when – that's a famous theatre restaurant in the outer suburbs of Melbourne in the 70s and 80s and it burnt down. They did one when it burnt down. Did you go to the one when it was still standing or when it burnt down? No, still standing. Still standing.

Yeah, yeah. So it was a theatre restaurant called The Swagman, so it was just – what's the concept? Throwing their meal into the billabongs or what? How does that work? No, it had a floor show, didn't it, John? So I remember going there and seeing the Minogue Sisters got up and sang a song like in the 80s.

What? Yeah, yeah. didn't it john so i remember going there and seeing them and oak sisters got up and sang a song like in the 80s and what yeah yeah and i had they had a jingle it's a swagman with the floor show that we're famous for and a smorgasbord they had a very famous jingle that went better than that but it was a big deal yeah not famous enough for you to remember it but no no no with it yeah with a with a floor show that we're famous for. Yeah, they had dancing girls. They had like a comedian come out and do jokes. And then they just had this big smorgasbord. It was huge. It was huge. Yeah.

What are the theatre restaurants doing in lockdown? Do you reckon they're still open for takeaway? But you just like – you just turn up to get your stuff in a Tupperware container and you just get like five minutes from someone who's dressed as a witch. Like they just do like a bit of patter as they're handing over your noodles or whatever? Yeah, a vampire says that sucks or something

because they're always really bad at the comedy. Yeah, that'd be great if they insisted on the Uber Eats driver to dress as a hunchback when they dropped off the timer or whatever. Well, the irony is you go to a theatre restaurant, there's very little theatre and very little restaurant in that place, I can tell you right now. Wow, take no prisoners. Take no prisoners.

Going the swag man. Close that gun down. It's been a while since you've been on and we've gotten more controversial in that time. We don't give a fuck who we are I've heard about this new thing about how you're only allowed to punch up, so now I'm seeing you in action To be fair, that's how

well this podcast has gone for the last 10 years It's still punching up for us to abuse a restaurant that's gone out of business 30 years ago Weren't you also hey-hey? Did you go on hey-hey, John? a restaurant that's gone out of business. Yeah, 30 years ago. Yeah. Weren't you also Hey Hey? Did you go on Hey Hey, John?

Did you go on Hey Hey? Yeah, that's true. Oh, was that you under the black face? Oh, wow. Okay. Jackson Joy. If you were part of the Jackson Joy. My sister got on with my dad.

What? When they had, when it was live and we went down because because they said if your dog can do a trick, come down. So my dog could jump through a, and you'll like this detail, Dave O'Neill, a Big M hula hoop. So it was like a pink Big M hula hoop. So a few ten minutes of

Big M. Hey, what flavors do we remember? What flavors, there was blueberry Anyway keep going There were some rare flavors He could only jump through an egg flip Big M hoot for like a month Before they took it away So I wasn't allowed on

Because I was under 16 So I just had to stand in the In the crowd In the curtains or whatever, while my sister and dad got on whilst my dog Benji did a trick. And then years later, there was a great Aussie joke, and they announced that they were going to film it at a local or relatively local shopping centre.

So I went down there, and I told two jokes, and both of them got on the great Aussie joke. With Murray Fields. That'soke. With Maury Fields. That's it. With Maury Fields. Hell of a strike rate. Yeah, that mongrel, that guy. Yeah, and Shane Bourne.

Yeah, I think so. Maury Fields and Shane Bourne. But to be fair, the Great Aussie Joke was all about old jokes, wasn't it? It's not like you made up these two jokes. These were just two jokes you stole from somewhere else. No, no, no. One was an old one. One was an original. One was an old one. One was an original.

One was a cover version. Really? So the cover version was something like this, if I remember correctly. It's like a man, oh, God, what's a wanted poster joke? It's sort of like, oh, God, I can't even remember it. But it's about the whole thing of a wanted post a wanted poster also means wanted can you think of that whatever that old joke is like yeah i think dave still does that in his act

don't you dave christmas cracker joke oh it's only like oh he goes into there's a bank saying wanted wanted for robbery or something like a wanted i don't know why he goes up on the poster or something like that i can't we'll need a writer's room to kind of like punch up that joke or whatever. You've got the bones of it. But then the second one was an original. I said, this is my original that I made up all myself. I said, what happens when you combine Paul Hogan with a mushroom? What do you get when you cross Paul Hogan or whatever?

Crocodile fungi. Yes. There we go. There we go. That holds up. Like I said, that might be the one original joke that was like read out on that segment. They were all supposed to be old jokes. So you've, at what age were you, 14 or 15 or something like that?

Then I might have been 15 or something, I reckon. That's some balls on you to see a segment called The Great Australian Joke and go, I can write one of the great Australian jokes and I'm only 15. Oh, yeah. And it was accidental. I didn't even think it through that way. But because it's a Paul Hogan thing, it is an Aussie joke. It's technically, yeah, it's a very Aussie joke.

Yeah, and it's evergreen too. The great thing about that joke is that the fucking PC police can't come and take it away from you. Yeah, man. Nothing's ever going to change how funny it is. That's amazing. Speaking of stalking comedians at a young age, Dave, I just remembered this earlier.

When I was in year 12, I remember being on Schoolies Week and I remember I'd started comedy by that point. I was talking to you on the phone for some reason and I was obsessed with the fact that you had a link. I was grooming you. Yeah, I was grooming you. I was obsessed with the fact that you had a link to John Safran. I remember very vividly

being on the phone to you because I was a huge John Safran fan and being like, oh, you know Safran, like what's he oh, you know Safran. Like, what's he really like? And just remembering that now, like what a cringe memory, just on schoolies taking time out from drinking to talk about John Safran's music jamboree with Dave O'Neill. Imagine that, Tommy.

Imagine being on the phone talking to Dave O'Neill about John Safran like we're doing right now. Yeah, there are a few drunk 18-year-olds just out of camera too, so I should get back to it. Yeah, someone asked me for John's number. People are always obsessed by John. Someone asked for your number the other day, John, and I gave it to them. I can't remember who it was.

Just some random dude on the street. Fleety. Was it fleety but uh yeah john you are uh you are here of course you've uh you've got the new book uh that is out this week that is a big part of why we've got you on to kind of um you're on the junket for that so to speak now we we were wanting to do this in person but yeah we're all locked down so we're all in the house we can't um we we can't do this in person obviously uh your publisher was going to locked down, so we're all in the house. We can't do this in person, obviously. Your publisher was going to send us a copy of the book. The book has not turned up yet. In fact, I think it's actually a huge chance of turning up at my house midway through doing this.

So if there's a knock at the door, I will be going and answering it and getting the book off the postie and just having a bit of a skim here for 45 minutes or so. And also, it's a bit shocking because we did, you know, every time we have you on it's because you've got a book out. So it means we have you on every, you know, two or three years or something like that. And you're the only author we ever have on this show. So it does seem like we only read one book every two or three years and it's yours.

And this time we don't even read a book. So it might be another three or four years till we read another book. No, I can come on again after you read the book. Oh, great. Do a follow-up. John, remember your last book was about extremists, wasn't it, where you went and hung out with different types of extremists and me and you, I had to interview you at the Yarraville Cinema

about your book. That's right. extremists and me and you i had to interview you at the yarraville cinema about your book that's right and and a woman asked a question why aren't there any women in your book remember that and um and then oh yeah that was fair enough yeah but as you were trying to point out all the extremists are men they're all idiots they're all men and then and then and then yeah that's a good thing and then you said i don't want to mansplain it to you but although do you remember that and then and then i think i think i possibly used the expression clansplaining and then you went into it you went into it you went

into a detail there was some back and forth with this woman and i went all right all right next question and then the next question this woman goes i want to know why john didn't answer that woman's question do you remember that oh god it was funny first of all there were women extremists in my book but i guess it was like bent in favor of more male extremists or whatever yeah but it seemed like a weird angle like i'm unwoke because i'm like showing showing more male Klansmen than female Klansmen. I did think you should have had more people of colour as white nationalists in your book. Yeah.

I think that was pretty offensive. Yeah, it's a strange response. This documentary about white supremacy does not pass the Bechdel test, I'm sorry to say. Remember afterwards at Yarraville, they had a huge pile of your books uh for you to sign and everyone goes to me and there was a big line for people wanting their books on and everyone goes and dave we've got some of your books if anyone wants one i'm like nah that won't be necessary

remember that that was really embarrassing like no one wanted my book i'm like get your mind don't even get them out it's embarrassing i gotta go've got to go. I had to go. Anyway, I got my chalked up and went. We haven't mentioned the name of it. John Safran's book, Puff Piece, so it's out this week if you listen to it straight away. And it is true that we didn't get a copy, like we said.

Neither of us got the copy. We were promised a copy each. But I wasn't completely surprised that it didn't turn up because, to be fair, it was going through your publisher, who is also the same publisher that published our friend Bell Gibson's book. So I thought maybe there wasn't a lot of... LAUGHTER

There wasn't a lot of... That's a great read. ..stuff in that company anyway. The only time I ever got in trouble with my old editor, who... Because they're really nice people at penguin and and you know they know i'm a bit of a clown and i'm poking poking bears and stuff like that and with my but with my last editor i said something about bella gibson or whatever like i made some little joke

um like in a text or in an email like yeah, can you sort of – it was just like a little throwaway thing. It was just like a reference almost, like, oh, I hope this has got sort of – I hope my book is as sort of smooth sailing as the Bella Gibson. Just something totally like – and it was the only time – it was the only time I saw like the teeth, anger in my answer, in the reply email where it's like, yes, that is the first and last time you get to make a Bella Gibson joke. Bella Gibson seems like the sort of thing where in another time it would have been part of an explosive John Safran investigation

where it's like you going undercover at the African church where she's been hanging out to try and smoke her out or whatever. Yes. So Bella Gibson, she did a health work or whatever. Wellness, yeah. It'll be annoying people at home. If we can get this straight, it'll be annoying people at home. It's Belle Gibson.

Her name's pronounced Belle. Unless that's a new non-diplomacy she's using now to write another book. plume she's using now to get another book yeah so i'm just saying because yeah i'm just trying to like make the listeners less annoyed because there'd be people who like don't know who bell gibson is yeah and will be like bashing their head against like tell us who she is so she was like accused of being into pseudoscience and saying she had cures for things so a bit pete evansy maybe she said she had cancer she said she had cancer oh that, maybe? She said she had cancer. She said she had cancer. Oh, that's right. She had cancer. She said she had it, but she didn't. And she got better through eating fruit and vegetables. Yeah, yeah. And then the police,

remember the police raided her share house in Northcote to try and get some money. They were carrying out the TV and stuff. It's like, well, how much are you going to get for that? For the creditors? Like, 20 bucks? Yeah. Yeah, John, we've been talking about her for a little bit. So she bought out a cookbook which was like,

these are all the recipes that I cooked that have helped me cure my cancer. And then it all came out that she'd been making it all up. And I bought a copy of the cookbook on eBay. I've got it sitting in my house. And this is the grand – when we're back to doing the podcasts in the room, the first one we do is going to be catered by me cooking from the Bell Gibson, the whole pantry wellness cookbook. Great.

It truly is the cancer vaccine. We're all going to be absolutely cancer-proof. Well, my new book is kind of the opposite of that puff piece because it tells you how to get cancer. Right. So the two books – don't have the same two books in the same bookshop or they'll cancel each other right right so it's about philip morris international who are like the melbro people and how they've got a brand new product out which they're uh and it's not a vape that's where it gets a bit tricky and confusing because it's their entry into the world of vaping

as sort of like, oh, if you're into vaping, maybe do this instead. But it's not actually a vape. It's more a cigarette, like a hybrid between a vape and a cigarette. But that's not how they describe it. They describe it as this third thing. They've just made up a new word, and it's called a heat stick.

Nice. So one of the origin stories is that – Also, by the way, John, imagine making up something that's lamer than a vape. That's insane. So the European Union said we're going to ban all menthol cigarettes. And I think they'd want to ban all cigarettes, but it's kind of like you have to start somewhere.

And they think menthol are the ones that younger people get into and people who don't smoke at all. That's going to be the gateway one because menthol isn't as harsh on your throat or whatever. So the European Union just says we are banning all menthol cigarettes across all of Europe. You're not allowed to produce them. You're not allowed to produce them. You're not allowed to sell them.

Philip Morris goes, okay, cool, no, cool, cool, cool, cool. We'll go along with that. And then they go, oh, by the way, we've got this new product. It's not a cigarette. It's a heat stick. Love it. And they show it. And what it is is tobacco wrapped in paper with a filter at one end

that you plant between your lips, inhaling nicotine and tobacco into your lungs. What? But it's not a cigarette. But it's not a cigarette. It's a heat stick. Wow. And amazingly, it worked because, like,

all these lawmakers in Europe had been, like, working on this legislation to ban menthol cigarettes, and they just did not put in their heads what happens if Philip Morris just puts out this cigarette and says it's not a cigarette. It wasn't a heat stick. They're freaking geniuses. They're so clever. So how did you get onto this? How did you get onto the heat stick? Oh, yeah.

So talk about hiding in plain sight. So I was just reading in the newspaper one day a couple of years ago, and there was a full-page ad bought by Philip Morris saying that they're going to close down as a cigarette company and they're going to relaunch as a health enterprise. I'm like, what the hell? And I thought, this is wild, right? And so, and I thought, maybe it's true. Like, maybe this is like when apartheid ended in South Africa

because like cigarettes are this weird thing where they just seem like the most un-Zeitgeist issue ever. It seems like so 1970s to be talking about cigarettes. A bit like, you know, compared with other, like, issues. I do find it a bit weird now when I see, like, a young girl, like, smoking on the street. I'm like, that's so weird. That's so, like, 20 years ago. Oh, yeah.

On the one hand, it is. So it's like people still care about so many things these days, as they should. So there's all these contemporary issues that good people care about. There's like Black Lives Matter and there's trans rights and all these things that are really of the moment issues. And then you've got this thing, cigarettes, that just seems like, I don't know, like a 1970s Women's Weekly yellowing in a box in a garage as an issue.

But then on the other hand, it's the number one human health crisis in the world. Like 8 million people die each year of cigarette-related illnesses. And, you know, only 52 million people die of everything. So it's both like the top percent crisis yeah wow and also just seems like that just seems like the most unpsychized issue at the same time so that's part of the reason anyway so philip morris uh on the back foot it's like people are doing genuine things that are going to shut down their business and they just come up with this word game and they win and then i just didn't get it because it was like no one else was covering it and i was like how come how can this be and so i kind of like chased out that adventure and i kind

of yeah i started learning about their heat stick and that you put it into this device called an IQOS, which they claim that it heats up, unlike a cigarette lighter, they claim that this device will heat up the heat stick to an incredible degree but won't actually let it catch a light. So therefore, even though it's like generating this discharge that looks like smoke and is nicotine and tobacco in the form of a discharge they say technically speaking it's not smoke it's like an aerosol so

and there's so many little what and the the and the book is just like me basically being duped all the time because they're so clever with their misdirection that you i start chasing down all these uh all these things like for instance the first thing i found out like i'm looking up aerosol in the dictionary because i don't know what aerosol i don't know what any of these things are where i start this book like i don't know what combustion is really and all this stuff so i have to like go back to the source like the dictionary oh what's combustion and like what's what actually is aerosol and then i'm reading in the dictionary aerosol and they go they're talking about examples of aerosols and one of them is smoke so i'm like hang on so the fact

that this is aerosol doesn't necessarily mean it's not smoke and then i start chasing down this whole is it smoke or is it not smoke which i kind of won't get in too much here just because it's like might be finicky or something like that but then so i'm chasing they're saying it's not smoke but some scientists say it's smoke is it smoke is not smoke blah blah blah blah so i go down that rabbit hole and then it like occurs to me that because that the deadly thing in a cigarette it's true that the deadly thing in a cigarette is smoke but the more accurate deadly accurate version of that the deadly thing in a cigarette is the tar in the smoke so therefore therefore just so this thing isn't smoke it's aerosol for whatever let's say it's not like

if this aerosol still has tar in it like who cares that it's not smoke yeah yeah yeah what are they what are they rebadged tar then surely they've got a different name oh they do in it. Like, who cares that it's not smoke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What have they rebadged Tara then? Surely they've got a different name for Tara. Oh, they do. It's amazing. They rebrand because the thing that kills you in a cigarette, the main thing, is the tar.

And so, if you look at this ICOS and the Heat Stick online, there's no mention of tar. It doesn't have tar. And it's because they've reworded tar nicotine-free dry particulate matter. And so there is tar. It's just got a new word.

And they're so clever at it. I was reading like a scientific article in a journal where they're against Philip Morris, this journal. That's a perspective of it, of this thing. And the scientists there were still confused by this. And they kind of made a flub in their findings because Philip Morris had successfully tricked them that like nicotine-free dry particulate matter isn't tar.

And also just look at how ingenious they are. And this is like one thing I didn't figure out this how clever they are i didn't even figure this out until after the book was published so this is like an afterword like where i was like driving one day and going oh my god i got duped about something else which is so those so the deadly thing in a cigarette is tar so their solution to that is in this not cigarette that's not generating smoke but aerosol, they're saying that it's generating nicotine-free dry particulate matter, right? But even their rewording is audacious because it contains the phrase nicotine-free. But a cigarette, including this heat stick, they're infamous for being the most infamous nicotine product on earth.

And they've isolated the bit of the cigarette that isn't the nicotine bit and then used the word nicotine-free, dry particulate matter. So now when they talk about this nicotine product, the most infamous in the world, they get to use the expression nicotine-free because they've isolated a bit of the cigarette that doesn't have nicotine. It's so clever. However much they're getting paid,

they're not getting paid enough, those executives. I've got a question. Are there any women in the book? Oh, there are. Well, John, yeah, because we hadn't gotten the book yet, I wanted to know a little bit more about it, and I went looking for this one review that's been published of the book in The Australian.

It's a really good review. It's behind the paywall, so I paid for a subscription so that I could look at the review just to kind of try and drag any little bits out of here. You paid for a subscription to the Australian newspaper. Why didn't you just go out to the airport and get it for free? I do famously live in Tullamarine, just a short four and a half kilometres from the airport.

Very handy. But the guy's really positive about the book, but what I love about the review is that he's really into it, but at the start of the review he goes I have a feeling that a lot of people aren't going to read the book so I'm just going to list all the important details about what Philip Morris have done just so that people can be educated

about it because I assume that people aren't going to read this book it's like very weirdly like positively it's positive but it's kind of a weird mission statement of the review. He was the guy, he said, John Safran is like those chaser guys, just as stunts, didn't he, John?

That's what he said, didn't he? He's just one of those chaser guys. I'll show you what they said. It was a really good, it was a good thing. This is the opening sentence of the review in The Australian. Puff Piece is an important book. I was surprised because I did not think John Safran wrote important books. I thought he just did stunts like the Chaser Boys but without any mates.

See, that's the thing. This is risky from this point because I know who wrote the review, and this is a guy not that far away from you, John,'s a funny writer he's he's put out books himself he's he's this deadly thing where it's like he's a he's a comedy writer who is it he's putting out funny books before and now he's turned comedy reviewer his name is Mark Dappin oh yeah yeah he's serious serious books he writes no books you look back he I used to read his stuff. Like he wrote funny books maybe 10, 15 years ago. So he's like one of these. There's a few of these.

Didn't he do one about war? Didn't he do one about war or something? Yeah, but he's got – well, that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. He's a bit like you, John, because he started off a bit quirky and funny and then he got a bit more serious. And now he's gone to full – the worst possible thing, he's gone reviewer. Yes, true. But I took it in the way it was meant to be taken he's definitely like it's like a little roast it's like yeah but in a fun fun way like i really liked it i think he's seen you on greatest

the greatest australian joke 30 odd years ago and thought i'll take this guy down one day this this crocodile dundee joke is too good yeah I was just saying, I was like texting people, I just cannot believe it. It's like a glowing review plus a lol roasting of me. It's just the best. I was doing that thing like, because everyone loves a roast, or at least we used to,

and so I was a bit there doing that thing. You know when someone's getting roasted on one of those comedy specials, and the guy getting roasted goes... Yeah, yeah. That's how I was reading. Sorry, I couldn't... I'm surprised you got a glowing review from The Australian.

I would have thought they would have been pro-cancer in there in the Murdoch press. They would have been... Well, this shows they're impartial because, I mean, I don't really concentrate on it that much, but I do mention in the book about Philip Morris taking out advertorials in The Australian. So The Australian is independent.

You can diss them all you like, but my book brings that up. Well, I'm in now. I'm paying a subscription fee. I thought my plan was I'll subscribe, I'll pay the one month, I'll read this article, and then I'll immediately unsubscribe went to oh you have to unsubscribe you have to call them i know it's like leaving the scientologist i'm never doing that unbelievable i'm never getting on the phone i'm trapped now no i've done that myself it's amazing you can't yet you have to ring them up and then they do get a bit Scientology on you like why are you leaving?

Yeah like there's not going to be like a casual person at the other end they're still going to try to keep you in they're still going to L. Ron Hubbard you a bit to stay I thought it was weird when I subscribed that I had to confess to every embarrassing thing I've ever done so yeah I think I'm proud. Number one was

subscribe to the Australian to be fair so You're in for the long haul, Dassler. You're going to be giving the Murdoch press so much money. You're going to buy Jerry Hall a new outfit, a new wardrobe. I'd forgotten I'd subscribed and had an unsubscribed, and also I used some other email address, not my main one, right? And then I go to this other email address I never go to, and I go, look, there's something, a receipt or whatever,

and it was from my subscription to The Australian, and I hadn't turned it off for years, and it was like hundreds of dollars. I just had to pretend. I had to block it out of my mind because what am I going to do? I had the same experience with Fitness First because when when you join a gym they keep you in forever i don't believe it i don't believe it dave are you telling me you got a gym membership that didn't follow through on it i simply don't believe it it's true you know what that's such a tricky thing i do a to-do list every day the other day i got three things done and it was unsubscribing

to three streaming services. Yeah. And I was like, it took me fucking all day. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The Australian one's good because it's like I'm on the $4 a month thing and the way they bill you is we'll bill you one $4 and then the next time we bill you, we're billing you $40.

So it's not even like month by month. It's like we'll bill you for one month and then we're billing you for the rest of the year. I think they screw themselves a bit because you know how and other way you can, oh, this is how you can do it without ringing them up. If you've paid through PayPal, what you do, all you have to do is open up your PayPal account page

on your desktop, and then you can just, through that, you can just stop. Right. Yeah, stop letting it take the next amount out, and it just can't do it. That kind of like the credit, and of course, the other way would be to cancel your credit card. Yes.

But the PayPal's a good in-between. That's so extreme. But the PayPal's a good in-between one. The PayPal's the way to do it. But here's the problem. Once he's unsubscribed, because this has happened, I've tried to resubscribe to the Australian and it won't let me because there's that kind of glitch of it wouldn't let my credit card go through it.

Yeah, or something like that. So they've really shot themselves in the foot. I've done something a little bit like that before where I couldn't figure out how to unsubscribe from something. I just went into the details of my credit card and just changed it by one digit so they couldn't take any more money out. Oh, yeah, that's good. That's a good one.

But then I just get endless emails about, hey, I don't think your credit card works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, this is the best result I could come up with. That was the greatest day when I lost my credit card and had to replace it. And the guide dogs, the heart foundation, they're all cut off because I've had the experience

I've had that happen. It's good. It's a hard reset. It really forces you to re-evaluate. You do a full deep cleanse of all the shit that you subscribe to that you don't need anymore. Why did you turn against the guide dogs? Is there some conspiracy? Should my next book be John Safran versus guide dogs?

Finally. Finally. Interesting. Finally someone's. No, no, interesting. Why are people faking it? They're just getting those dogs for a pet. The guide dogs are split down the middle. You know there's two organisations that fight with each other?

This could be your next book. Yeah, there's Guide Dogs Australia and then Guide Dogs Victoria. Yeah, and they fight with each other, this could be your next book. Yeah, there's Guide Dogs Australia and then Guide Dogs Victoria. Yeah, and they fight with each other. Oh, absolutely. Which one of the little plastic ones in the supermarkets? Which one are they? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know.

Are they just like the federal government and the state government? Is this the same sort of deal? Yes, there's some kind of war going on in the guide dog world. But, I mean, I only saw those things as it's normally a person who recognises me and goes, oh, you're that funny guy. do you want to sign up for the guide dogs then you feel bad you go i suppose i suppose i have to now because you've what's the what's the schism what's the schism in the organization though what could they be fighting about what's the half of them think that the that you should have to wear sunglasses to have the dog and the other half thinks you don't? How does it work?

I don't actually know. But I remember I recorded a talking book for the guide dogs and they were talking about it when I was in the meeting with them about, again, work for charity I was doing. And, yeah, they were talking about the, oh, no, we're not them. They're different to us. There's some kind of, I don't know what it is. I have to look it up, the big schism.

Because John's next book, you know. But, yeah, one of those things you don't mention. You don't mention. I mean, there's always things you can't mention with these people. I did a gig for Bunnings with Husey on Friday night on Zoom. And the woman goes, please don't mention the wood shortage. And I'm like, what's the wood shortage? There's a shortage of wood?

There's a shortage of wood for builders. I'm angry about this wood shortage. Open up a packet of wood. They're all gone. And so she goes, yeah, we have to get wood from Lithuania, but don't mention the wood. So anyway, we come on. The first thing Husey goes is, what about that wood shortage, guys?

I'm like, oh, no. Don't mention the wood shortage, mate. How am I meant to build more investment properties if I don't have any wood? They're the wood shortage. I'm anti-wood. I'm pro-wood. That's so funny. I'm anti-Wood I'm pro-Wood

That's so funny The thought that if they hadn't have told you You guys both had half an hour on Wood shortage Kicking off Well John speaking of reviews of this book I was asking a mutual friend of ours For things that could be good to bring up with you

And she mentioned that there's an Amazon review of your first book of Murder in Mississippi that you went investigating about. I've got to slightly code it, if you know what I mean. Sure. Or I don't want my world to explode or whatever. Jesus, I'm so hyping this up too much. We generally don't like the guest to say the N-word anyway. So yeah, I mean, that's just normal for us yeah so so my first book comes out so i've never written a book before and

i've like spent a year in mississippi like doing this true crime book or whatever right and then on the day of release uh there's just this slamming review on Amazon, like at like 9.05am or something like that. Right. And it's just like bagging the book in this like slightly, like something's kind of up, if you know what I mean. You know, like for instance, it's making these bizarre accusations, like saying that, oh God, there's nothing in this book that you can't read about in the press or whatever.

This was not a famous case that I did. And then I'm – so it's just all a bit strange, and I'm kind of annoyed, like in a way that I wouldn't be now because there's just so much, you know. But, you know, it's like the first review. It's like people are going to go to that site, you know what I mean, obviously, and they're going to see that, and they might not buy my book because of the review or whatever. And it's just like laying into me, and it's saying,

oh, John Safran thinks he's like Truman Capote, but Truman Capote wasn't so self-involved and all this stuff like that. Gee. And in my book, I make a joke about Truman Capote, so it's not, like, meant to be taken literally. Like, oh, I think I'm like Truman Capote. Anyway, so I start clicking around wish list, like what else he's reviewed.

Yeah. And it's all this stuff, like he's reviewed a hunting knife. And then he's, like, a shirt and then he's reviews really angry he's like like had when it arrived it came from pakistan had i known it was going to be pakistan i would not have bought this because i don't want to support that sort of islamist government or whatever like that wow and then he complained, he was complaining about the size because he'd ordered an extra large. Hang on, is this still the book or is this the shirt?

No, this is the shirt. Oh, right, okay. So the guy had ordered an extra large or an extra, extra large, but it still wasn't fitting, and his only explanation for that could be that it had been sized wrong. Yeah, yeah. Islam. I blame Islam.

It can't have been because he's too large for the extra. Yeah, he used his knife to cut up a big full roast chicken and eat it in one sitting. And anyway, so then I go clicking through, and the shirt i notice isn't just any shirt it's a t-shirt and i'll change the state or the city or uh i'll say detroit anyway it's like for this detroit university football team and so that's like a very specific thing or whatever right and then i'm kind of, like it's floating in my head, I go, there's someone in my extended family who I...

And they went to that university in Detroit. What? And I've got to say, I reckon they would be too large for an extra extra large. A smoking gun. So it's your cousin or someone? No, I still can't. It's some relative.

Shut up! No, yes! You idiot! I don't know. I just said I was going to code it. Okay, it was me. Whatever. Go on.

Yeah, right. Okay. So then, so then, but i still can't quite prove it like you know like what can i prove like i still can't quite prove it but then and also the name of this guy who's um he's done this his name is hummus man he's the one who's like, that's a bad review. That's Hummus. So I can't prove anything. What can I prove? Because this person, his real life name isn't Hummus Man,

so I can't prove anything, right? But I click further around and then suddenly this page opens and instead of saying Hummus Man, it's got real name wish list. So it definitely is him, right? Oh, wow. What the hell?

So then I ring up an other relative who's related to this relative. Why isn't this the book? Fucking hell. This is awesome. And then I'm squeaking over the phone. I'm saying, what the hell?

Is he dissing my book online? People are going to go to Amazon and blah, blah, blah. And then this other relative puts it on the phone, but I can still hear them talking to the offending relative. And I hear, homeless man. Shut up. Shut up, Dave. And Dave, just shut up because I know you know too much.

You were banned from saying anything else. So anyway, so I hear this other relative say to Hummus Man going, oh, it's John on the phone. He's saying you're dissing his book and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just hear this squeak back. John's just going to learn how blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just hear this squeak back, sort of like in a dissonant, you go, John's just going to learn how to take criticism. Oh, yes.

You got hummus fanned. Wow. And then I started watching, and then this relative, the non-offending relative of mine said they tried to get hummus Man to sort of like change the review or take it down or whatever. So then over the coming weeks, the review kept on being updated by him. Great, like it's a Kanye album. But it was being updated. And I promise you I'm not making this up.

The next time I look at the review,'s changing it to um like uh truman capote he was a great writer blah blah blah blah he did he knew not to put himself in the book all the time and didn't ring up the writers reviewers and then but the problem with the nonetheless the problem with truman capote is he didn't know how to take criticism. And he often went to reviewer rather than looking at the substance of the review. Wow. This led to him having a very bitter life That descended into alcohol and drug abuse

Wow Not unlike John Safran, yeah, basically Wow Yeah Fuck, I love Hummus Man Hummus Man's my new favourite We need the artistically minded listeners If we can get some sketches of what you think Hummus Man might look like

Well, if we can, you know what We're just lucky Hummus Man didn't get a gig at the Australian and it was Mark Dappin instead because this could have been a... Mild man would call him Mark Dappin. And this whole event caused such stress within the family. I can imagine. It became a vector for other issues, if you know what I mean. And something like everyone with their opinions,

it was being filtered through this event, right? Then it's like a year later and I'm in America because Murder in Mississippi, that was the book under consideration. It was being released in America under a new title, God Will Cut You Down. So I'm in America to do press or whatever. After all this stress for a year, day one of release of God Will Cut You Down in America on Amazon.com. There he is.

No. 9.01 a.m. The Hummus Man returns. No way. No way. Did he just update his review for American, put, put you in the word humour and stuff like that? I can't remember. Like, it was a new review.

No, it was a new review. Now I'm kind of, like, got more of a sense of humour about it, obviously, but, like, at the time, because it was, like, my first book and it's, like, my business, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I was, like, reacting to it like if I was, like, the local cafe and someone had said, oh, listen, there was cat piss in my food or whatever. It's like you don't do your first comedy festival show of your entire career

and have your uncle in the front row going, boo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And because you're absolutely right because we talked about the book with you at the time when it came out and the whole book is you being stressed about writing a book and going like, what do I know about doing this? I'm kind of out of my depth. So for him to just like basically rip that out and put that as a negative, it's like he doesn't know what he's doing.

It's like so nice. But then I found out, then I started doing Googling, and I found out that Hummus Man had been like, and I had no idea this was happening, that for years, like if there's like a YouTube clip um you know what i mean like hummus man's like dissing me in the comments and then i did a i i knew i couldn't prove this was hummus man but i did a show at like the athenian or something i think it might have been for murdering me oh it could have been for depends what you mean by extremists maybe my next book and there was like this review on ticker tech where you bought the tickets i

don't know hardly anyone does this but like when you go by yeah there are reviews there are reviews yeah yeah there are reviews but you can you can actually review on like the ticket tech or ticket master page and no one does it or whatever right but then so i looked at it and there's like after my first show i think there was still a couple to go there's like so i looked at it and there's like after my first show i think there was still a couple to go there's like this like half a star and it's like only like one person's reviewed the show right here we go i can't prove i can't prove it but it's like again like highly suspicious because the whole thing didn't make any sense like because i was there at the theater and this definitely didn't happen where where it's like, when I went to a show about extremists,

I was expecting some serious political thought or whatever, but John seemed to treat it all as a joke and stuff like that. People were very disappointed that they'd come to this event and instead was just a guy clowning around about extremists. to this event and instead was just a guy clowning around about extremists and half of the audience left, half of the audience left, and we would have had we not been blocked in our seats and it would have been rude to walk by other people. And so I was like, man, that's definitely Hummus Man strikes again.

Yes, it almost put me off my Middle Eastern dip that I was putting my bread in again. What a terrible joke. No, that's definitely hummus man strikes again. Yes, it almost put me off my Middle Eastern dip that I was putting my bread in again. What a terrible joke. No, that's his sidekick. Come on, flatbread boy, to the chickpea-mobile. Come on, Suzuki. Let's get out of here. Have you seen him?

John, have you actually seen him in the flesh since any of this or at a family gathering? Have you seen hummus man at all? No. David, you're not allowed to talk anymore about this. David knows too much. David knows too much about this. Okay, well.

Look, at the very least, it feels like we've got one new listener this week with you being on the show, John, so that's good. Homeless Man listening. Like and subscribe. Give us a review on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. Appreciate any new listeners.

He'll come up with a new code where it'll be Baba Ganoush from now on. I'll be listening next week and you've brought him on for counterpoint. I'm really into him. It's like me calling up Dave O'Neill on school. He's, you know, John Safran.

Now I'm talking to John Safran going, wow, you know, the hummus man. Fuck, what's it like? Bloody love hummus. Can we have his phone number? Yeah, you guys, Dave, you guys, so you've worked together for years and years. Well, off and on, off and on. And John got my dad on, which show was that where Kev featured John? Versus God, where he was there as a Freemason.

I did a segment where the joke was, it was like, I did this, it was this hyperbolic exposing the secrets of the Freemasons. And like, so all the editing and the ominous music and the thing, like I was going to get in, get in deep and expose the Freemasons for their satanic roots and their rituals and their things. But the whole time I'm just following Dave's dad around. He's a Freemason.

He took you to the lodge and he opened up the boot of his car and there were ropes in there and you're like, oh my God, there's ropes to tie up the goat. But it was funny because you'd meet Dad at my parties and when we'd go for dinner, Dad and Mum would be there sometimes on my birthday and you'd always talk to Dad and say, can I interview you about the Freemasons? And Dad's like, nah, nah, no way, I can't get it.

It's all a secret organisation, I can't do it. And then I rang Mum one day and I said, where's Dad? And she said, oh, he's up filming with John Safran. So he came across very quickly to the idea of being on that show. John, did you just come around to his house every day and just change your handshake every time until you got the right combination and then you had to do it? I did.

The best thing was that he felt the need to defend himself against my, like, bizarre accusations. Like, we went to, like, Leo's Spaghetti Bar because I'd read in a Freemason magazine that there was, like, because you get a card, like a discount card, a bit like a triple R subscriber card if you're a Freemason. And so you got, like, a 5% discount at Leo's Spaghetti Bar. You just, like, punched a hole in a little spaghetti on a card.

Yeah. So we went to like just the regular, we went to the Leo's Spaghetti Bar. I took, for the show, I took Kevin, Dave's dad there. And then when like the owner comes up and they shake the hand, I get like overexcited and I go, come over there, come over there, come over there. And then I accuse him of doing a secret handshake. the hand i get like over excited and i go come with me come with me come with me and i accuse him of doing a secret handshake and dave's dad has to defend himself he goes it was an ordinary

handshake and and then like i get it comes up with the ominous music on the screen boom five percent discount and spaghetti bar like check out the Freemasons are all connected in this, helping each other out in this secret society. It was one of the greatest things. So that used to be, like, Freemason used to be sort of our conspiracy sort of thing. You know, remember 10, 20 years ago where we didn't have all these fucking insane people we've got right at the moment. It was all, like, a counterculture.

Now it's, like, the front of culture at the moment. But that was like the nice conspiracy sort of thing. What is the story? Now that we're – are the Freemasons even a thing anymore? Yeah, yeah. It's certainly a much smaller thing. They're older guys. That would amuse me when Gary Ablett Sr., the former Geelong legend,

came out. And remember he filmed that thing in his car and he was driving around talking about COVID and he mentioned the Freemasons. He said the Freemasons legend came out. And I remember he filmed that thing in his car and he was driving around talking about COVID and he mentioned the Freemasons. He said the Freemasons were behind COVID. It's like it's such an old reference. What are you going to say, the Lions Club next? So retro.

Yeah, so retro. And they're all over. I did a gig the other night for the Freemasons. You know why he did that? You know why Gary Ablett did that? He was shitty about not getting the 5% deal. Yeah. So he's like, you can be COVID on that.

Now, I did a gig for the Williamstown Freemasons the other night, and they're all mainly over 70. Yeah, I'd say. Did they say, don't mention the lack of wood and everything else? Don't mention the goats. but you're so right it's so weird how this stuff that was like the the fringe of the of the fringe of the fringe of the counterculture all these kind of conspiracies is now like the world the stakes were so much lower it's like oh if this this is just kind of like funny that these guys are out here doing this stuff and now conspiracy theories are like there are pedophiles everywhere.

Yeah. I mean, that's part of the reason. I mean, there were several reasons. Part of the reason I wrote Puff Piece and investigated Philip Morris is because all my shtick and my personal brand is now, everyone's doing it to mainstream. Like the thing about hanging out with Klansmen or whatever like that. Like remember when I used to do that?

It was like, oh, my God, John's found this Klansman. I can't believe it. And people, like, running around in circles on Raspberry Cordial and Red Cordial. Like, it's so insane. Why the fuck am I in a forest with a Klansman? But now it's, like, it's everyone's shtick. Everyone's shtick is, like, walking around, hanging out with extremists

and, you know, everyone's got a camera. Everyone's shooting a documentary. It's like... Finally, everyone caught up to you, John's shooting a documentary. It's like... Finally everyone caught up to you, John Safran. Yeah. It's like mainstream. And the same with the conspiracy stuff. It's like, yeah, remember when he used to be funny?

When he used to be funny? Right. Yeah. So that's sort of the reason why I was like, oh, my God, I've got to duck and weave and kind of come up with like a fresh thing just to be sort of, so. My brother works at a school in the outer suburbs.

And it's like, instead of people talking about footy now, these blokes turn up in the car park to pick up their kids. And they're all talking conspiracy theories, like tradies. They're just talking instead of how good were the bulldogs on the weekend? It's like, Hey,

have you heard about, you know, you know, COVID's controlling the world and it was all planned and all this. And they all seriously talk about it, he said. He said it's incredible. Like just.

What about when Alex Jones went mainstream? It's just baffling. It's sort of like hard to rewind your mind back before this all became mainstream. And it's like, maybe like six years ago or 10 years ago or whatever, thinking Alex Jones, the conspiracy, was going to be like this major cultural figure that people have heard of and he's kicked off Twitter and all that stuff. It's like, it's just the strangest thing.

Or even like Donald Trump, I guess, is strange. Even Donald Trump, because he kind of like absorbs a bit of that. Yeah, he does. He's not like a classic conspiracy theorist himself. It's like, it's all too weird. So now that we are where we are, where does that leave the Freemasons? So do we, are they just, are they like the Boy Scouts now? Do we know everything about it?

Yes. I think they are. Yeah, I think they are. I think they're like Boy Scouts for all guys. I think they are. I think you're right. Yeah, right. But they're sort of screwing up a bit because their whole thing is like,

hey, man, we're not the Freemasons you think we are. We're like, we're really open doors and like, you know, we're transparent. They've gone the wrong direction. What's your point anymore? You're only stick. Your angle was that you're secret. As soon as you're not secret, like, who cares?

It's true. They need to get secret. They've gone the wrong way. And the costumes need to be weirder. You know what I mean? They weren't – there were no – when I did the gig, they were just wearing suits. And there were women in the room, which I've never seen before at Freemasons.

Oh, my God. At one of your shows. Yeah, yeah. This is not a John Safran book. You can't research this anymore. This is their time. This is Freemason's time. They should have been like, as soon as COVID came out,

they should have been like, yeah, we got the vaccine first. We've actually got it. It's May 2020 and we've got the vaccine already. Fuck, this would have made them. Yeah, true. Yeah, that could have really been an uptake for membership. You're right. People like that, I mean, they could have been like me uptake for membership. You're right. Like people, yeah, people like that.

I mean, they could have been like me with the Australian, getting people in, hook, line, sinker. What else are you going to do? Subscribe them for a year. $4 a month to join the Freemasons. The only reason my dad used to say that people join in the 50s and the bit of the 60s was it's the only place you can get a drink after 6 p.m. in Australia because, you know, the pubs used to show up.

Oh, there we go. Yeah, and that's why blokes joined to get on the piss after 6. Well, again, if they started that in Melbourne right now and if you can't drink there after 9pm, fuck, that's how to get new members in at the moment. Yeah, exactly. Freemasons are exempt from lockdown. Fantastic.

All right, well, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. yeah yeah fantastic alright well we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club John Safran Dave O'Neill thank you so much for joining us

thanks thank you for having me on sorry the book didn't come through I'll make make sure you get it yeah oh that's okay it's out now

for people listening it's come out the day before we're putting this up so yeah go check it out go um I'm just writing I'm just writing the review

Baba Ganoush Man's on there right now. This piece of shit. That's all right. John, you go and write a review of Everything Tastes Better Crumb from Dave O'Neill's book from 2004. And if you want to come to my online book launch, you can go to the, I think, reading site. Readings, great. If you want to come to my online book launch, you can go to the, I think, reading site. Readings, great.

If you want. What's the date of that? September 8th? September 8th, I think. 6.30pm. Yeah, great. Go check that out. Dave O'Neill, you've got a bunch of podcasts that people can check out.

You've got The Junkies with Kitty Flanagan. You've got Somehow Related. Go check out all of that with Dave O'Neill, Podcasting Empire. Somehow Related with Glenn Robbins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And don't mention the wood shortage. That's all I've got to say.

You guys. I think I'm going to mention the wood shortage in my future interviews here just to infuriate them. The Bunnings will be listening on. It's caught fire what the hell

Saffran talking about Lithuanian wood shortage for any of our listeners that end up checking out the online book launch next week I'm sure there'll be a few see if you can wedge the wood shortage into the readings get that in please it's sort of like

to show people that we've sent you from Dum Dum Club. Don't mention the podcast. Just ask about the wood shortage, okay? Yeah, that's our Freemason secret handshake. That's how you know someone's a Dum Dum fan because they're talking about the wood shortage. All right.

Thanks very much for listening, everyone, and we'll see you next time. Thank you. See you, mate. See you in a minute. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. and we'll see you next time. Thank you.

See you next. See you in a minute. Bye-bye. And they've done it again. I've done it again. You notice a little bit of quality difference between my audio track and the rest of people's in that episode, it is because once we stopped recording,

I had a vague memory of a little blanket walking into my room and playing with the knobs on the old Rodecaster and then looked over and went, yep, that was turned down for the entire episode. So Tommy's had to use the audio straight off the laptop instead of into the microphone, as you're hearing now. But yeah, she did a bit of podcast producing this morning, and I forgot to check. And sorry about that, everyone.

With skills like that, she could be tech she could be taking one of our live shows. We'll finally back out there in the real world. She's got the magic touch. She's, she's got the, she could be the new, new Mo, the new Webby. She could be,

you know, at the moment she's fucking things up for free. She could be earning money off this. So Bernie's kicked a big one. It's bounced off the back wall. It's hit the volume slider and it's just driven that all the big one. It's bounced off the back wall. It's hit the volume slider. And it's just driven that all the way down. Bernie, yeah, everyone else kicked big ones.

Bernie on my one just chewy on my boot and kicked the ground first. I've just realised. Makes it even better when in the episode we're riffing on Dave O'Neill for his lack of technical prowess, and you're doing that into a microphone that's turned off. Jesus Christ. Fucking hell. Oh, God, you really do have to laugh.

You really do have to laugh. Jesus Christ. We are focusing on the wrong thing. Great to have Safran back on the pod. It's been a little while. He, yeah, he's only been on a handful of times, comes in when he's got something to plug. Great to get him back in.

Great to have him go off chops with that story. And, yeah, always, as we've mentioned on the show before and in this particular episode, I'm especially a big longtime Safran fan. So, yeah, it's always awesome having him come mentioned on the show before and in this particular episode, I'm especially a big longtime Saffran fan. So, yeah, it's always awesome having him come back on the show and have a good time. Absolutely. Seems like he enjoys himself.

And as I mentioned on the show, him being with Penguin, Belle Gibson being with Penguin, of course I should have – I tried to wedge it in. I didn't have time. Of course I put out a book with Penguin, Bell Gibson being with Penguin. Of course, I tried to wedge it in. I didn't have time. Of course, I put out a book with Penguin, The Great Funny Buggers. So, yeah, that's the holy trinity of authors right there. John Safran, Bell Gibson, Carl Chandler. You know what?

To be fair, I think O'Neill would have had some. He's had books out. One of them surely was through Penguin. That means you're the only non-Penguin. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm in Funny Buggers. So I guess technically I'm part of the Penguin family. Imagine me just like turning up there under those grounds being like –

you might not recognize me, but I'm actually part of the roster. I'm in Funny Buggers. It came out about 10 years ago. I've got like three jokes in there or something. Yeah, just wondering if we could talk about what's next for me here in the Penguin family. I reckon – I'm going to take that back. I'm just Googling.

I reckon that David O'Neill hasn't got a book through Penguin. I think it was probably through other companies by the look of it. The competition. I don't think. I don't think it was through him, through them. No, I can't find it through them. No. All right.

Sucked in, O'Neill. Someone else. But hey, go out, get yourself, get a copy of Puff Piece. It is out now as people are hearing this, so you can go and buy it in the shops. Something which I'm probably going to end up doing because I'm starting to seriously doubt that our review copies will ever arrive in the post.

So, yeah, I probably am going to end up paying money for this, but, yeah, happy to do it because Safran's last two books are fucking great. Yeah, well, I mean, I could always do. The tradition of when he comes on this show and brings books on is that I hurriedly go out and get his new book and read half of it to make sure I know what I'm talking about and then run out of time just before record and then I never read the second half. So I could do that again. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, great, great stuff. Like I say, look, we might as well wedge in a bit of Talking Gibbo now, now that it's been brought up. Bella Gibson. No big news. No big news.

Apart from, I did say a couple of weeks ago, I did start up an Instagram account, Bell Gibson Official. Yep. And look, I haven't been taking it too seriously. I've been putting posts up, but, you know, sort of taking the piss. Not trying to sort of impersonate her. Putting pictures up and pretending I'm her her but being very silly about it. You plug it on here and then you're now playing to the peanut gallery of people who've followed it because of this and you're trying to make them.

Yes. Is that fair to say? Yes. So having said that, I'm getting quite a few people that somehow have found it and are commenting on it like it's real. Great. Like she's real. She's really on it like it's real. Great. Like she's real. She's really on it. Or just attract some absolute batshit crazy people as well,

which I don't even know what they're talking about. Like whether they're pro-Bell Gibson, anti-Bell Gibson, pro-cancer, anti-cancer. I don't know what they're – I'm trying to make sense of it all, but it is attracting some fucking mental people as well. Well, I guess that makes sense. I guess it's working. The sort of person who's going to think that that account is real, they probably – of course it stands to reason that it would be hard

to make sense of what they're saying. You know what I mean? If they're of that limited mental capacity that they can see you putting up posts using just a Google image photo of Bell Gibson and talking about how you've got a cure for the yips, then of course their messages are indecipherable if they think that that is real. Yes.

So there's a bit of that happening, which is good. I guess it's working. I guess this is what I wanted. I like attracting crazy people, so I guess it's working. I guess this is what I wanted. I like attracting crazy people, so I guess it's working. One other little update to Talking Gibbo this week is just a thing I remembered the other day about reading the book. There is a book out about her. A good book, yeah.

What I liked particularly, a very good element of it is that when they went back and talked to the family, because she's got a mum, she's got a brother, and they've sort of gone to them and said, you know, what do you make of all this? And they've just gone, oh, man, what the fuck is she doing? Like, she needs to pull her head in. You know, what is she – you know, they're completely like just common sense going. She's been a fucking idiot since she's a kid. She's always making stuff up and whatever.

And the great thing is she's made up stuff about them. Like she said, oh, yeah, you know, I had a tough upbringing because, you know, I sort of had to raise the entire family because mum wasn't there and she was sick and all this sort of stuff. And the mum's like, no, I raised everyone. I wasn't sick. I was there the whole time. And then part of her thing is like, yeah, I had to raise everyone.

It was really hard because my brother's like, you know, severely autistic. The brother's like, I'm not autistic. Great. But, you know, isn't that just the kind of thing that an autistic person would say? Well, maybe. I imagine would be her defense back to that. No, he doesn't i mean this is what it is he doesn't know what he's on about well you know i do like that it's good it's like it's

not enough for her to just make up cancer about herself she's got to make up new medical conditions for the rest of the family as well right that's strange to do that and not be like he i mean when i say he's autistic i mean he he used to be autistic and i cured him with my blueberry pancakes that are in my book the whole pantry yeah it's like oh he's autistic because he kept counting all the times that i would lie to them about cancer it's like is that autistic i don't know i think that's just you know yeah he um he counted my red cells and that's what tipped me off that i had cancer And had to go to the hospital Yeah

Gibbo Yeah, so if anyone's got any scoops on Gibbo Please send them in to the usual address Send them through Yeah, we thought we had a lead of Someone who lives next door to her That we might be able to Do a bit of investigative journalism

Safran style But that lead has gone completely cold So yeah, if you've got any pertinent info for us Please send it through Slight update of what we've been talking about recently Is we did a live Zoom show And that of course That's not coming out on this feed

It's not canon It's a part of the official The official What do you call it The official history I guess No it's one of the dum-dum novels. Yes. Yeah.

Luke Skywalker bummed Darth Vader. It didn't actually happen in the actual universe. No, not in the universe, yeah. Yeah, so thanks to everyone who came along and had a look at that. Part of it was that we talked to one of the vloggers that I've been talking about recently, that I've been sitting up watching Thailand vlogs instead of webcams these days, Paddy Doyle. So we got him on the show.

He was live from the beaches of Koh Samui. We got to see what it was like over there at sunset. Very nice. And so big thanks to everyone. What we did was we did a bit of a charity shout-out. And all of you guys that listened we raised over well over three grand three thousand dollars that went to his charity venture that was feeding the people of Koh Samui of course I think basically 90 percent of their money comes from tourism so a lot of people out

of work and look if you look at the stats the employment figures of thailand are very very low but i think that might be because there's no unemployment offices i don't i've never seen a doll office in kosamui so i don't i think it's probably pretty hard to get unemployment benefits over there and from what i gather you know when you would like travel around tommy like you know kosamui and stuff stuff, and even when you're in the countryside, every two metres there's like a fucking curry stand or something like that. It's like I think everyone that just doesn't have a job just goes, okay, well, I'm out on the side of the road selling something.

Yeah, right. I am going to be making lunch anyway, so I may as well cook a little more and try and sell it to people walking past. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, for sure. So a lot of the people are self-employed that way. And of course, they can't really make any money if there's no tourists over there. So they've been doing it very hard.

And the demand for food for charity has been extremely heightened in these times. So thank you very much to everyone who chipped in to do that. It was awesome. And, of course, given the currency translation, what you give goes a long way over there as well. So you've actually fed heaps and heaps and heaps of families over there. So awesome. Thanks very much.

Yeah, thanks for everyone who chipped in. And, yeah, also thanks to everyone who came to the show. It was great. We hadn't done one for exactly a year. I worked out. And yeah, a lot of – it was – I got to tell you, it was weird to be back in that world of like getting stressed before a show but like just still being in the house. And then it being quarter to eight and being like,

well, time to go to work by walking over to the computer. Like just the stress of performing in front of people but there's no like crowd response you're not hearing people come in and kind of you know feeding off that energy backstage it was just me eating a curry in the kitchen and then being like all right well time to go turn the webcam on and do the show i was sort of the opposite i was i was already sitting there eating dinner and having a drink and i was like time to go to work hey don't say your name go to bed keep it down yeah but yeah we had a lot of great guests uh yeah i hope everyone watching it enjoyed it um yeah funny you know what's weird about it is that you obviously doing a thing on zoom the way we do it you don't get the laughs like you don't so you know you're

performing but you're not hearing like laughter from people because we don't have people's webcams and whatever turned on. But what you do have is you have a chat window where rather than getting audible laughs, you're getting much more like specific and nuanced feedback through text. So it's not like just ha-ha-ha, that was funny. It's like a very specific, oh, yeah, Tommy would think that because of this, like just kind of popping up on the screen after you've said a joke.

And also shout out to the people who literally were just typing, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, when they were enjoying something. I enjoy seeing that. Yeah, I know. There was a couple of points there where I put out what I thought was a banger and quickly looked over to the text and went, fuck, I better see some ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's pretty quick. Yeah, yeah. You'd better see some nice one, ha ha. It's pretty quick. Yeah, yeah.

You'd better see some nice one, Chandos, or I'm going to fucking just go ape shit. Yeah. Yeah. So thanks, everyone. And who knows what's happening in the next couple of months. Maybe we'll need to do another one, given the situation of the east side of Australia at the very least. situation of the east side of

Australia at the very least. Absolutely. So and everyone that's got a ticket to the many many shows that we are currently unable to

do whether it's two shows in Melbourne whether it's one show in Perth whether it's one show in Brisbane yeah for anyone asking questions

when we're going to do those shows when we can when we can walk out of our house freely you'll be the first to know about it. If you've got a ticket you'll get an email about it.

We'll try and let everyone know as much notice as we can, but it's probably not looking too good before 2022 at this point. I would wager. It's all up in the air. When we're at the time of recording this, we don't even have a clear date of when we're allowed out of the house. Yeah, it's very hard to put anything in the diary. But, hey, thank you to everyone who continues to tune in every week.

And, yeah, send us positive feedback about these Zoom episodes we've been putting out. I've been feeling pretty good about these ones we've been putting out. And if you want more content from us, you can always get onto the Patreon and you can get yourself two bonus mini episodes every week. We have great guests come through and do those ones. We often get quite loose-lipped behind the paywall and yeah, lots of people really enjoying them.

So if you head to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club, you can get involved in that. Loose-lipped to our own detriment with a few fucking dobbers in there lately. So yeah, if you can, um, there should be a dobbing tier, but these people are not paying enough to be able to dob at this point. But anyway, so no dobbers as we speak.

Please get over there, go to our website, get a bit of merch. You know, if you're locked down, um, we haven't been selling too much merch lately, but,

um, yeah, go to our site instead of Amazon, go to our site instead of, um to our site instead of um all that shit get some get go do some crazy lockdown shopping at our website yeah um but of course um join up to our patreon uh thank you to everyone who has subscribed who is enjoying the episodes and thank you particularly to a bunch of new subscribers, newish subscribers. Look, I'll be honest.

These people have been subscribing for over a year, I think, these ones, today. So let's immortalize some of them in the We Have Their Money Hall of Fame. Read their name out and let's be a little bit funny after hearing those names. What do you think, Tommy? Let's do it. Yeah, I'm down for that.

Something different this week. Being funny. Let's do it. Yeah, I'm down for that. Something different this week. Being funny. Let's do it. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Number one, cab off the rank this week, Lauren Knights. Lauren Knights. Yeah.

Okay. Lauren Knights with the K at the front. Okay. Interesting. That's a good one where it's like just hearing it. Either way that Knights was spelled, I was going to be into. Either it's Lauren Knights of the Roundtable or it's Lauren Knights into Lauren Days.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Well, that's why I thought I better spell out that it had a K at the front because otherwise you might have thought it was a little bit like, you know when Baywatch had a spin-off show called Baywatch nights so yeah right it wasn't like you're not going to see him on the beach because that's sort of weird to have you know to continue um you know saving people's lives in the dark that's sort of a weird concept it was more all the all the lifesavers were out at i don't know bars and restaurants and stuff like that. It was all a bit more after dark.

Oh, okay. It was all the extracurricular stuff, all the non-life-saving stuff. Exactly. That's so – because I never really watched Baywatch and I certainly wasn't really familiar with Baywatch Nights. It's weird for that to be a spin-off thing rather than you would think that should just be part of the show Baywatch. Like, of course, the life-saving is the main point of interest,

but in any show like that, you know, it's like ER or whatever, you're still seeing the people's private lives a bit. Like, that ends up being fed into the show. Sure, but I do especially think that, you know, you know what listener, what fan feedback is usually like. If you saw half an episode without a red swimsuit, how do you think the feedback would go? How do you think the socials would be for Baywatch?

True. Not good. Yeah, that's true. I like the idea that when they're doing the Baywatch nights, like they're either out at the bar or at a restaurant or just hanging out at home, they're all still wearing the red swimsuits. Like they never take them off.

No, they've got them underneath. They've got the tuxedo over the top. Yeah, yeah. And it's visible. So you can still see them. Visible. It's like a white shirt. You can see the red kind of bleeding through.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And they're still carrying around like boogie boards or, you know, things like that just so you know. The branding is still quite strong. Yeah. But, no, that's not what we're talking about here with Lauren Knights. We're talking about some cunning armour on a horse. That's what what we're talking about here with Lauren Knights. We're talking about some cunt in armour on a horse.

That's what we're actually talking about. But I would prefer it was like that, just so we know. It wasn't like the daytime Lauren. This is like Lauren after dark. Yes, yes. Her just living her life. This is like the sexy version of Lauren. During the day, Lauren's not too much of a fan of our podcast,

but when it gets after dark, all of a sudden it's like, oh, yeah, actually this show's not too shabby after all. I wonder what she does do. It would be crazy if it turns out that she is a lifeguard by trade. I would like to see, having said that now, I would like to see the Baywatch After Dark where it is legitimately still the life-saving version where it's just some cunt sitting up in one of those huge big fucking chairs with binoculars making sure

no one's drowning at midnight. Yeah, and all the people that are are going to be pissed. Like they're just going to be the worst people, just really drunk fucking idiots going for a swim in the middle of the night. Yeah, yeah, just a horny lif going for a swim in the middle of the night. Yeah, yeah. Just a horny lifesaver who's just trying to save the life of anyone who's going skinny dipping. Yes.

And he feels like to get in the mix, he's got to go in and life save completely nude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Otherwise, that's inappropriate. That's breaking the code. He's absolutely gone. This is the bit. Like I couldn't get laid during the day, but if they're skinny dipping at night, you know,

and someone is unconscious, then I get to mouth-to-mouth someone that's already in the nude. The perfect plan. How many people do you reckon are there in lockdown going for their one hour of exercise along the nudist beach? Just like strapping the mask on, clothes off, to just have a little stroll along the shore of the nudist beach. Yeah, that's good.

Surely it must be happening, right? There must be nudists out there just getting amongst it, but they've still got the mask on. That's a great visual. Yeah, there must be nudists just in the nude in their own house going, this is shit. I need to bring this shit on tour. I've got to get this out of here.

I'm basically wearing a house. I'm not really nude. I need to be outside. This is like a four-walled outfit I'm wearing at the moment. Well, if you're a nudist in the community places that you go to hang out, be it a beach or a nudist camp or whatever, if none of them are within your five kilometres, like you're probably, you know, you can't just nude up for your walk around the block.

Yes. So you're just hating it. You're just sweating bullets. Yeah, what if you're like four kilometres from the nudist beach, so you're just like every day you're just walking four kilometers then oh finally ripping the togs off ripping everything off going for a quick couple hundred meters turning around putting all the suit back on yep back back inside again sounds great you're barely you're barely getting 10 minutes with your dick out what's the point yeah i don't get out of bed for less than 15 minutes with my dick out.

Yeah, yeah. The Linda Evangelista of nudists in lockdown. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Well, thanks, Lauren Knights. Thanks, Lauren Knights.

Thanks for your After Dark money. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Well, all right. Okay. So he's one of these sort of Frankenstein monster versions where someone hasn't given their full details. So I've had to concoct it off their profile name plus email address. So I'm guessing that this is this person's name.

It's not my fault. You haven't given the full name. So if this is your name, I'm a fucking genius. If it's not my name, you're a fucking idiot. So thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Rhys Keenly. Yeah, okay. I feel like I've seen that name on the socials and whatnot. That sounds familiar to me.

That sounds like a listener of this who I've come across before. I'm looking them up. Rhys Keenly. Hell of a name. Hell of a name. come across before? I'm looking them up. Rhys Keenly. Hell of a name. Hell of a name. I hope it's real because if it's made up, it's like whatever. But if it's real, it's pretty cool. Keenly?

I just don't think I've ever heard such a name. Rhys Keenly. What have you got? Here we go. There we go. Alright. What have you got? Yeah, well, here we go. There we go. All right. What do you got? I should have looked this up first.

Keenly seems to be his nickname. His full name is Reese Jenkins. So, Reese, you idiot. You should have put your fucking proper name. So, Keenly is the nickname. So, now we get to work out what's what's been the genesis of that what's he done to earn himself the nickname of keenly something so jolting like keenly it's not a it's not a nickname that that you know that's comes off the lips too

smoothly is it it's got to be one of those nicknames where he said the word keenly and everyone's going, why the fuck did you say keenly just then? That's not even a word. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I was thinking maybe it's just like a, yeah, he's just known for being keen about things. He's just an enthusiastic, positive guy. But you would call them keen then.

You'd call them Cameron Keane. You'd call them something like that. But keenly is so unwieldy. Yeah, he said like, I've done this very keenly. I'm very keenly into this or whatever. Yeah, yeah. He said, you know, I just went for a run and they've gone, oh, you got here quick. And he's gone, yeah, it was a pretty keenly run.

And they've gone, what the fuck did you just say? Yep. Keenly? And he's like, oh, sorry, is that not a word? And they've gone, well, it is now. Keenly? Keenly, you stupid cunt, keenly. Keenly.

All right, boys, you've got me. I'm changing my name on Facebook. All right. I accept it. This is his attempt to take back the name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've tried to give him heaps of shit. He's gone, no, I actually quite like it.

I'm putting it on Facebook now. I'll show you who's keenly. I'm changing my name to it on Facebook. Yeah. And they've gone, don't fucking do that. That's our name for you. Don't fucking try and co-opt it. And he's like, no, no, no.

I actually really like it. Yeah. So right now, this is, and by putting it on this show now, this is really, he's like no no i actually really like it yeah so right now this is this is and by putting it on this show now this is really he's gone too far he's really pissed off his friends that thought they had something on him they've actually defeated them yeah they're just shaking their fists at the iphone right now as they're hearing this going fucking keenly he's gotten us again that cunt yeah fucking they're to start nicknaming him Jenko. How are you, Jenko?

Yeah. They just use his own name as a nickname just to fucking try and get something happening. Jenkins. Jenkins. So you think he's Rhys Jenkins by birth? Yeah, that's his name. That sounds more made up than Rhys Keenly. Rhys Jenkins sounds so much like a fake name

keenly's absolutely bizarre it's it makes no fucking sense but it's bizarre enough that it's like you could just go oh i've just never heard of that name before but jenkins is like such a go-to like kind of like character name from fictional media that it's just like someone cooking up a fake name and just hasn't really thought about it at all if that makes sense oh mr jenkins yeah um i believe i'm just doing a bit of digging doing a bit of doing a bit of um john saffron investigative journalism yep uh i believe he's from adelaide i think he lives in adelaide i've been looking into this patreon subscriber called reef keenly oh where was this might not be his name where was this half an hour ago

i considered it i considered it but it's i didn't trust myself to not fuck it in front of the great i thought i'd get i thought I'd get stage fright. Because there's my – I can't remember if I did it on this or the other podcasts I do, but my Hughesy slash John Safran, which is – Yeah, you did it here, I think. I'm pretty sure you did it here. I've been getting angry. Yeah, great.

I considered whipping that out, but I felt, yeah, I felt a little starstruck and I felt I didn't trust myself to do a good job of it. And also I'm able to do it now well because I just had an hour of listening to him. So he's like, you know, he's fresh in my mind. I think he's gotten less saffron as time's gone on. I didn't really, when he started talking, I was like,

oh, you're a normal person. You're not the John Saffron caricature I remember you as. I think he's matured. I think so for the most part. But then once he got going on Mr. Hormis, I felt like we got – I felt like we were getting a glimpse of the – yeah, we were back into like music jamboree territory. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's fair. All music jamboree territory yeah yeah yeah that's

fair all right so this is this is why i think this guy's from adelaide um he's got two mutual friends and one of them is the guy that runs most of the comedy gigs in adelaide now who's the other one if you who's the other one i reckon you can guess this who's the other one? Who's the other one? I reckon you can guess this Who's the other one? And it's not a comedian from Adelaide Not a comedian from Adelaide? Well it's not someone from Adelaide It's not someone from Adelaide So who would be someone

That would be a mutual friend I'm trying to imply that this is a comedian That goes to Adelaide a lot Nick Capa No, this is a comedian that goes to Adelaide a lot. Nick Capper. No, this is a comedian that goes to Adelaide a lot. I would say he's almost like an adopted son of Adelaide comedy. If I depict someone that I identify as doing comedy in Adelaide that's not a comedian who lives in Adelaide,

I would probably pick this person. Oh, wow. I can't even think. I said Kappa because Kappa is one of those people who would just be friends with anyone on Facebook. Yes, he definitely is that, yes. But no, that's not him. I'm trying to get you to pick the adopted son of Adelaide comedy.

Yeah, okay. So it's someone who's been on the show, who's there a lot. We know them very well. Ah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Come on. Who does Adelaide comedy a lot?

From here, from Melbourne. You mean like outside of the fringe? Yeah, yeah. Everything. They're doing comedy in Adelaide a lot. Have for years. They've been Adelaide comedying for years. Fuck.

I'm going to kick myself. I'm going to hate myself when we work it out. You are. I'll give you the ultimate clue that you will pick. We tried to get them to do the last Adelaide Live podcast and they didn't do it because they didn't check their messages, weirdly enough, appropriately enough. Oh, okay. Yeah, Greg Fleet.

That's it. That's it. That's it. Okay. Yeah. Don't you think he's the quintessential Adelaide comedian, non-comedian? Yeah, but that was a red herring because he's a playwright now, so I wasn't thinking –

Oh, of course. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. He's still in – you know, sometimes he goes over there to try and wean himself off heroin. Yes, yes. By doing actual heroin to distract him.

Yeah. By doing actual heroin to distract him. Yeah, heroin is the methadone of narrowing. Yes. Methadone is the actual heroin. Well. Yes. Well, thanks, Rhys Keenly Jenkins.

Thanks, Rhys. Thank you very much to the Patreon subscriber. Gee, a name that this could go in any direction. Thank you very much to the Patreon subscriber, Doug Smith. Oh, okay. I love the name Doug. I think I've talked about it before. It was my grandpa's name.

Got a real soft spot for the name Doug. Anyone called Doug? Wow. Love it. But then you pair it up with Smith and it's like, what a waste. What a waste of Doug. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you've got some feeling for it because to me,

plain Jane personified. Doug Smith. You think Doug's plain Jane? I mean – you don't really hear it around anymore, so it's at least got that for it. It's not really like dime a dozen. It's kind of interesting in the sense that it's like a generational thing that's kind of gone from the popular. The one thing I've got for the name Doug is this, is that years and years and years ago, there was an AFL player called,

a footscray great called Doug Hawkins. For some reason they had a thing on Channel 7 on the footy coverage where they, I don't know, I guess they had footage of him celebrating by doing sort of a bit of a dance or something like that and they put it to music and maybe they made a song called like Dancing Dougie. And for some reason one of my friends thought the song was called Dancing Ducky, and I just loved it.

They thought they just made a song about this AFL footballer called Dancing Ducky. Just going, oh, yeah, because he dances like a duck. It's like, well, ducks don't dance. Okay, they've just nicknamed him Dancing Ducky. Yeah. Just phonetically great. I just love those two words together.

Dancing Ducky. Dancing Ducky. A Dancing Ducky. What if this guy's name was Duck Smith? Would you be more into that? Now, that's pretty good. Oh, yeah. Duck Smith.

Duck Smith's first name is so good that even Smith being at the end of it can't bring it down. It's still interesting even with Smith. And if – you know what? In fact, almost the opposite. Like if with such an attention-grabbing name like that, you do need a normal-sounding name to ground it. Yes, absolutely. To contrast against it. There's no good calling yourself Duck or Wooba Wooba Bang Bang.

Like it gets lost. You want Duck Smith. What did the ancestors of Wooba Wooba Bang Bang do as a job to earn that as their surname? Yeah, I'm not sure. Maybe that's for another episode. I'm not sure. They used to come up with the sound effects for the little comic strips

that were chiseled onto the cave walls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were the very, very early people that invented industrial light and magic and Skywalker Ranch. Yep. They were the foley artists of their day. Yes. Yes, yes.

That's it. That's it. Whereas, yeah, Duck Smith is perfect. You don't want to be distracted. Your eyes need to be drawn to the duck rather than the surname. Yeah. So, sorry, I can't remember how we got here. Are we renaming this person Duck Smith?

Is that what we're doing now? Well, yeah, it was just basically you saying you have nothing for the name and then you told this anecdote that you have a great deal of fondness for the duck dance. Confirmed. Dance and Ducky Smith. Dance and Ducky Smith is really good. Ladies and gentlemen, Dance and Ducky Smith.

Yeah. Also, I like that now that his name's Duck Smith, it's really close to Dick Smith, so it might as well be Dick Smith now. Yeah. Yeah. I ordered something from uh dick smith the other day did you good i did it shouldn't feel good he's a bit of a fuckhead oh yeah right well he'd surely be anti-lockdown he'd be anti all of that stuff he's he's fucking crazy yeah right i don't really i haven't really heard too much from him in the last few years. Oh, he hasn't given you a ring? No, no.

He didn't. I've ordered two things from him recently, and I haven't received a phone call to say thanks for keeping the business afloat. That's a shame because, you know, when everyone's in lockdown, you know, it's nice to give people a call and check in on them, and it's a shame that Dick hasn't thought of you in that way. Well, he's my single bubble buddy. So he's been coming around pretty regularly.

Okay, right, right. So there's not much need to hop on the blower when we're already hanging out, you know, every 48 hours or so. Well, I guess you could say it's a bit weird that you've ordered something then if he's coming around all the time. Just get him to bring it over. Yeah, but that's what I mean. I've ordered it from the website and then it's like... Oh, he hand delivers it? Delivery options, it's like postage, click and collect,

or just bringing it around to your house because he's your single bubble buddy. Oh, I didn't know there was that option. Okay, I've never checked down that far on the Dick Smith order form. Well, why would you? Because you're either click and collecting or you're seeing the first two options and you're thinking one of them applies to me. But I'm in the very small percentage of people who actually has to scroll down that far to find the thing that they need.

You're right. Once I find my option, I don't read any longer. It's like the old thing of, you know, it's always in the last place you'll look. Well, that's because you don't keep looking once you've found it. Exactly. Do you want to guess what I bought from Dick Smith? Greg Fleet. I bought the same thing twice.

It's something that I've bought, and then I bought a second one for someone else. Oh, God. And I will say the one of it that I bought, I have talked about it on the podcast before. Headphones. No. Dildo.

No. I'll give you one more guess. Would be good if you could buy dildo from Dick Smith. Because Dick Smith, it's like blacksmith. Dick Smith could be like, that's a term, that's a job. Just like a blacksmith. Yeah, I'm a dicksmith. I make dicks.

Yeah, I make the dildos. I'd love to see those shops. That's great term, that's a job. Just like a blacksmith. Yeah, yeah. I'm a dicksmith. I make dicks. Yeah, I make the dildos. I'd love to see like those shops that... That's great. I make dildos. I'm a dicksmith. I'm a dicksmith. That's fucking great. I'd love to see like the, you know,

in the equivalent of like an IRL shop where they've got the adults only section where you go through the like little curtain or whatever. I'd like to see an online store kind of try and replicate that for you somehow like sort of what we're talking about you have to like scroll down all the items and then get right down the bottom and then keep going something that kind of simulates the experience of like you know walking into an illicit back room and getting all the getting all the dodgy stuff yeah it's no fun online where it says are you sure you're 18 yes Yes. Yeah.

Who's clicking no? Yeah, absolutely. Well, I did that. I've told this many times, I'm sure, but I did that once when I was like 16. I went to look up porn and it came up with like, are you 18? And I got really, I was on like the family computer

and I got really stressed that if I clicked like, yes, that I was over 18, that like the cops would trace it and I'd get in trouble. So I clicked no, and it just automatically redirected me to disney.com which is like to be fair you're probably looking for mini mouse in the nude anyway so yeah yeah that's the next best thing it's just like whoever's coded that website being like oh you know where do you if they say they're not 18, like,

where do you send them? It's like, well, go to this. This is for babies. You can go here. If you're not watching porn,

you're watching Hilo and Stitch. Yeah, I love that there's no in-between. It's either spread open vag or goofy. Yeah, exactly. There's no in-between.

I bought an air fryer for my parents on Dick Smith. Oh, nice, nice. After hearing me bang on about it, they got very keen and I thought, you know what, they're like, oh, we'll get one. I was like, I'll buy you the same one that I have so that when you have trouble using it, I can at least talk you through it instead of them, you know, going and getting some different model that I can't give them help on.

Right. Yeah. So they are loving it. Bit of Dick Smith air fryer. Yeah. Yep. So thanks Dancing Duck Smith. Thanks Dancing Ducky Smith.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Sam Nitschke. Okay. Yeah. Okay. N-I-T-S-H-K-E. That's Nitschke, isn't it? Nitschke, yeah. Yeah.

I like this. That's Nitschke, isn't it? Nitschke, yeah. Yeah. I like this. That's – Shares the name with the – What's he – How does he –

He's pro-euthanasia. Philip Nitschke in Australia is a pro-euthanasia – whatever you call it. Yep. Advocate. Advocate for euthanasia. This is a perfect example of what we're talking about. You couldn't have Duck Nitschke.

It doesn't work. No. You completely lose the impact of the name Duck if you're following it up with Nitschke. And especially if you were Duck Nitschke and you were pro-euthanasia and you're like, yeah, everyone should have the right to be able to absolutely neck themselves. And they're like, sorry, is your name Duck? What the fuck's happening there with your name? We're sort of a little bit distracted.

Yes, but my grandfather is 95 years old. He's lost the will to live. He just wants the right to be able to end it all. Yeah, but run me through the first name again. What the fuck's happening there? Why did your parents name you Duck? Is it after Donald? Is it after Daffy? What the fuck's happening there? Why did your parents name you Duck? Is it after Donald? Is it after Daffy?

What the fuck is it? I'm a bit of a weird one where I'm pro-euthanasia, but I think that they should lower the age of it. I want it now. Get me in there. I want them to make it 35. Yeah. Is that all that's holding you back at the moment?

Is that you might get in trouble if you kill yourself you might get arrested after that yeah yeah yeah that is fucking crazy that that can if you if you try to kill yourself and you fail that you you can get arrested for it that's insane is that a thing is like is that a thing that actually happens is there is there someone in the clink going and it's, what are you in here for? Oh, yeah, fucking tax evasion. What about you? I tried to kill myself.

Yeah, doing 10 years. I'm actually getting the chair, actually. It's pretty good. This is a great two people to be buddied up in a room together. The guy who's done tax evasion and the guy who's tried to kill himself. Share a cell in this penitentiary. Yeah. But that's it.

See, there's a funny fellow sketch. A guy gets arrested for trying to kill himself and they give him the electric chair. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is really good. And he's in the electric chair like, oh, no. This is, oh, please.

I hate this. Yeah, you can have one last request and they're like, oh, what meal do you want? No, no, can I flick the switch myself? No. No. Can you turn this chair on and then can you chuck me into a bathtub as well? Is that cool? Just to play the odds, can I also have a noose while I'm in the chair?

Because look, not to tell you how to suck eggs, but I've had a crack at this before and it did not take. So trust me, you're going to want to be really, really stringent with this. Yeah, at the very least, do you mind if I watch while you do this, while you kill me? Can I watch just to get some tips? Can you video it just in case it doesn't work, then I can watch it back and know not what to do? What not to do.

Yeah. Oh, I can hear someone outside this. It's all happening. Yeah, I can hear someone outside this room. It sounds like the person who wrecked my audio from the podcast earlier. The tech here has returned. Get her in here and blast her on air. Give her both bowels live on the air.

I'll give it to her. I'll give it to Blanket, Webby and Numo style. Yep, yep. Well, yeah, thanks, Nitschke, for accidentally inspiring a great new Funnyfellas sketch. Yep, thank you. All right, well, look, the audio's only going to get worse from this end now

that I can hear someone who's absolutely acting up in the background here. So we better wrap it up for this week. Maybe we can do one quick one. Yeah, sure. One more one. We are trying to, you know, usually I would wrap it up right now, but we are getting behind with a lot of subscribers, so we should try and get through a couple more.

So let's – now I can hear someone singing nursery rhymes um which is driving me crazy at the moment my i found out my wife doesn't know how nursery rhymes go so she knows some of the words so she just sings them at it with a different tune great and it's driving me crazy she's just making up freestyling nursery rhymes, like, giving them a different fucking melody. It's insane. Yeah, that's great. But, let's,

let's crack one more, one more. One final one. One final one. Thank you very much to Patreon subscribers. Oh, okay. God,

this, this is odd, but anyway, this is, yeah, we'll look, this will be interesting. To just, in terms of like, finding out what of finding out what their ancestors did for a living.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber ComedyWibberWibberBangBang. That's an interesting name. Yeah, that is a really interesting name. Comedy? That's a weird name, don't you think? ComedyWibberWibberBangBang. Yeah, that's one of the best names we've ever had on this show. Comedy is That's a weird name, don't you think? Comedy Wibba Wibba Bang Bang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's one of the best names we've ever had on this show.

Comedy is a weird first name. Comedy is a silly first name. Yeah. A silly first name. It would work better if it was like Comedy Smith because the Wibba Wibba Bang Bang does sort of detract from how funny the name Comedy is. Yeah. Comedy Ducky.

Yeah. There we go. All right, guys. Well, thanks, everyone, for listening. Thank you for supporting the show on Patreon. Get on there. Yeah Comedy ducky Yeah There we go Alright guys Well thanks everyone For listening Thank you for supporting The show on Patreon Get on there

Patreon.com Slash LittleDumbDumbClub And get yourself The two bonus eps Every week Yeah Head to LittleDumbDumbClub.com

For merch And all that kind of stuff Thank you for listening We will see you next time See you mates