The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 571 - Osher Günsberg & Luke Heggie

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

This week we're joined by LUKE HEGGIE and he's brought his mate OSHER GÜNSBERG along! We get deep into the lifelong friendship of Osher and Heggie, including Heggie killing in primary school, Osher's job driving promo cars for Brisbane radio, and more of Heggie's behind-the-scenes work on reality TV. Plus, we uncover more of Heggie's rich and varied resume from his time before stand-up, we hear about Osher's contributions to the Brisbane music scene and we air a long-standing issue between Osher and Chandler! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests Osher Gunsberg and Luke Heggy. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com right now. You can get your hands on some of our merchandise. You can also find a link to our Patreon page, patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub, where you can get yourself two bonus episodes a week, little mini episodes with special guests. That's all great stuff. Check all of that out. You can also see the live shows that we have on our calendar. We'll see you out there again soon. Don't you worry about that.

Get vaxxed. Do the right thing. Get us all back out there. And check out at the back of the episode another edition of Talking Dumb Dumb. But before that, Tommy. Yeah, let's enjoy this new episode. Osher Gunzberg and Luke Heggy. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Go, Dickhead. Joining us today, we have two very special guests, one of them on the show for the first time. Please welcome back into the Little Dunlop Club, Luke Heggie and Osher Gunsberg. Hey, guys. Yes.

Nice to hear you. In fact, I think this was the first Australian podcast I ever listened to in 2011. And I remember I'd just gotten divorced. I'm like, fuck, I've got to do something. I've got to do something. We get that a lot. Because I was unemployed. I was unemployed. I'd just gotten divorced. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck's happening here.

And so I remember calling Heggie. How can I make rock bottom worse? No, no, no. I called Heggie. I called Heggie. And? No, no, no. I called Heggie. I called Heggie and I said, mate, have you heard this podcast, Little Dumb Dumb Club? We could do a podcast. What, it's just two people talking shit?

Yeah, it's just two people talking shit. We never made it happen, but I remember calling Heggie saying, we should do a podcast together after I heard your podcast. Wow. Wow. We were the inspiration behind you two doing nothing. Wow.

It's quite an origin story. Well, that's why we've gotten you together here on this episode. This is the pilot episode that we're going to kind of oversee and coach you through. Yeah, we just cut ourselves out of this episode. This is the first episode of me and Osher. So, yeah, what are you going to do? Come on, Heggie, fire up.

Let's get the band together. Two middle-aged white guys talking shit. That's not enough. There's no podcast doing that, are there, Luke? Nah. No. All right, thanks, Heggy. Yeah.

Generous. Generous. That's the word that comes to mind. What could have been 10 years ago? Word that comes to mind when bantering with Heggy is generous. Yeah. Heggy's school of improv. It's not yes and, it's just eh.

Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. A lot of full stops happening. Now, this is intriguing to me. Whenever I hear this, that you two are genuine real-life mates and you grew up together, sort of thing, went to school together, you've been mates the whole time. This is so weird to me because you look at you two and it's the original odd couple.

It's like finding out that Kylie Minogue's actually best mates with Kyle Sandilands or something. It does sound quite bizarre. Which one am I out of that? Who do you reckon, Heggie? Who do you reckon? Look down and see if you're wearing hot pants right now, Heggie. I do like to spin around.

Every time you come on this show, you insist on hooking me up to a lie detector, so you tell us which one you are. Deep cuts. Deep cuts, Dazzalo. Yep. One for the train spotters there. Good Lord.

But you guys did go to school together, grow up together in Brisbane? Yeah, yeah. We're nearly at our 40th anniversary, Heggie. What are you getting me? Oh, wow. Pack of Lifesavers. I don't know. So that's a callback.

Something from the time. That's the first joke. Here's the story. We met each other in grade three. We were in primary school together in Brisbane in a suburb called Kenmore. Oh, man. Back when it was the- Imagine a grumpy grade three Higgins.

What's he got the shit to say about a grade three? He'd yet to have his heart hardened by the cruelty of the world at that point. He was still just full of life and joy. by the cruelty of the world at that point. He was still just full of life and joy. And our teacher, Mrs. Sweep, threw out a hypothetical. You're in a plane. There's three people, including the pilot,

but there's only two parachutes. What do you do? And the people putting their hands up trying to answer this hypothetical how they keep each other alive. Heggie puts his hand up. He was sitting next to me at the time. Heggie puts his hand up. He was sitting next to me at the time. Heggie puts his hand up and he goes, I'd stop into the milk bar and get a pack of Lifesavers because I'd need to have my life saved.

And I'm eight just going, oh. That was the first joke I ever remember anyone telling that wasn't like a knock-knock or a what-do-you-call-a, you know, kind of super racist Queensland joke. And I'm like, oh, my fucking God. So he had it. He had the game like early, early. He had it going on.

And he's been like that the whole time. That's why he should have been jettisoned straight into the panel shows from then on. That's the perfect panel show. Yeah. Get this kid a blazer. He's ready for action. Yeah.

I was pretty happy to see. Blazer came a few years later. Yeah. We had to wear blazers at school. We sure did. I think I've pretty, I was pretty happy to see. Blazer came a few years later. Yeah, we had to wear blazers at school. We sure did. I think I've seen enough blazers in my time.

I don't need any more blazers. Thanks very much. With shorts. How brutal is that for a question in grade three? You're in a plane that's about to crash and who's getting the parachutes

in grade three? What the fuck's going on there? That's why Queenslanders have a lot of spirit. Chuck us in the deep end early. Get our backs against the wall. Take it from there. And at the time, bear in mind, at the time,

Queensland was living under Joe Biolke-Peterson. And people outside of Queensland don't understand. Just get your heads around this, folks, all right? We all know what apartheid was, right? We all know how terrible things were if you weren't a white person in south africa okay apartheid was based on queensland's racial separation laws okay they went oh that's a good idea and they fucking copied was it actually yes they copied what was happening in queensland okay so that's the kind of lineage of what was happening up there and bioki peterson

was from that you know era of that era of people who were like, well, I'm white, so therefore it's fine. And it was brutal. I remember at the time he was a union buster. I remember there was blackouts every night. Heggie, you remember that? Yeah, yeah. Like just for weeks.

For fucking weeks. Really? Because the unions were like, fuck you, and they turned the power off on us every night. It was great because you're like, couldn't do my homework. Our cyber was blacked out last night, miss, sorry. Oh, really? Right, right. So basically what you're saying, all this is going on,

so you're going into school as an eight-year-old and the horrifying hypothetical scenario of a plane going down is actually a bright spot in the day. This is later. Well, the bright spot of that year, I remember, is she fell off a chair. And I think she was changing a light bulb or something, fell off a chair. Sprayed her ankle. Oh, probably reenacting a joke you'd told in class.

That's hilarious. How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb? Well, it was the kind of – so Queensland was like there was a picture of Jesus, like the white Jesus, not the actual Middle Eastern Jesus, but there was a picture of white Jesus on one side of the blackboard and there was a queen on the other side of the blackboard. All right. Queensland was very much about that back in the day.

And three people walking down the street was a march and the cops were illegally allowed to stop it violently if they wanted, which they did. It was fucked up. So who was, if you guys were the South Africa of here, who was the Nelson Mandela in Queensland? Was it Jackie McDonald or someone? Who was the big figurehead up there?

Was she a Queenslander, Jackie Mack? Absolutely. That's all she talked about on Hey Hey on Saturday. Oh, I never really watched it. I wasn't. Yeah, okay. I knew she existed. I didn't know she was Queensland.

You never watched Hey Hey on Saturday. No. Like, it's been on in the background. What were you doing at 6.30? Where do you go? Blackout at 5 o'clock. When you want some, you know, just to kind of reminisce about better times and want to see some blackface, where do you go?

Yeah. I go to my nan's house and we get out a tub of nugget and just go for it. Right. That was actually too toned down for you, hey, I said it. You had to get the real deal. I thought it was too popular. It was lefty fucking bullshit. Get this off my TV.

Sorry, populist lefty fucking bullshit. Get this off my TV. Speaking of killing in grade three, that's one of my earliest memories of making schoolmates laugh is first day of grade three, we go into our classroom and we meet our teacher and her name's, she introduces herself and she says, my name is Mrs. Burke. And I put my hand up and I go, can we call you Mrs. Burke's backyard?

Kills. Everyone loves it. Good stuff. She puts me in detention. She's like, no, you may not. You're staying back after school. Maybe she knew something about Dom that nobody else knew at that point. Yeah, she was tapped into the early showbiz rumors in, like, 93 or whatever.

Yeah. Do you reckon parents back then were just oblivious though? Like Burke. We look back on Burke now and go, of course he was sus. Look at him. And same with Rolf. I got taken to a Rolf concert at Twin Towns Tweed Heads. Couldn't have loved it more.

My parents took me down there. I was about eight or nine. I was in the Rolf Harris fan club. It was fucking brilliant. Oh, no. Turning pictures upside down. Couldn't have. I loved it. This was in the Rolf Harris fan club. It was fucking brilliant. Oh, no. Turning pictures upside down. Couldn't have – I loved it. This is explaining a lot, Heggie.

Yeah. Still got all these records. And your own wobble board. My parents took me to see him. I've told this on the pod before, but my parents took me to see him when I was about five or six or something like that and um it was just him at the train station for some reason in my hometown of marabara got up there and uh i was like trying to get him to sign a bit of paper he's like wouldn't have wouldn't have a bar of me like no interest at all it's like fuck i was the

one kid that he rejected pretty bad well the word on the street, when the little red light's off. Not such a nice guy. One of those types. Oh, Peggy's got the exclusive. Wow. The word is. Oh, yeah. The word from, like, prison?

The word, like, he's in jail, dude. We know. No, no, the word was around that time. If he wasn't, you know, if it wasn't on, it'd gladly just kick a kid or whatever. Who gives a fuck? Unless there's a camera around or someone to report it. Mobile phones have done a lot for this sort of thing. I'm actually pretty grateful.

I'm pretty grateful that camera phones didn't exist for most of our teenage years, actually, Heggie. I wonder what it would be like. I see our eldest is now 17, and I see the kind of non-stop documentation heggie i wonder what it would be like i see i'm you know our eldest and now 17 and i you know i see the kind of non-stop documentation of their escapades that goes on and almost live broadcasting via snapchat and tiktok what they do i i don't know how you or i would have ever recovered from some of the shit that used to go on when we were kids man i wouldn't have a job oh yeah what about

so what about you two this is the story I've heard of you guys in a car together going past the premiere of The Sixth Sense in Brisbane. Oh, fuck, yeah. Is that right? I've forgotten this happened, but I'm horrible. I'm 11 and a bit years, 11 and a half years sober now, all right, and there's good reason because much like the aforementioned eldest, she has a peanut allergy and bad.

She has an allergic reaction to peanuts. It's not great. Not quite a few kids have that. I have an allergic reaction to alcohol that when I drink it, I turn into a fuckwit. Wow. So at the time I didn't know better, now i know better so i do better but at the time i thought it was hilarious i can't remember even whose car it was in um i think it was nice

fucking brilliant but i still i still think about it like when you're 18 that's a sick joke so funny well let's hear the joke i think it was the el dorado and indra pilli we're driving past the el dorado indra pilli which is right by that was it was the El Dorado in Indooroopilly. We're driving past the El Dorado in Indooroopilly, which was right by the train station. And in the words of Luke Heggie, I was up to my waist in window as we passed the El Dorado on the way to the bridge. Apparently, I screamed out the window to a line of people waiting up to watch Sixth Sense.

Bruce Willis is the ghost the whole time. I love you setting that story up, Osher, going like, yeah, you know, don't drink anymore. This is the kind of thing that I used to think was cool, but we're like here today now going, yeah, that rules. Let's do that now. What a fuckwit. What an absolute fuckwit.

Are there any Netflix series I can spoil in lockdown? Just driving past people's houses, just screaming spoilers for Target King? Yeah. So this is fascinating. You guys growing up together and you're painting a picture of Queensland at that time and what it was like. Yeah, I'm fascinated to know the divergent paths where Heggie's attitude seems to have – Queensland at that time

seems to have crushed him and, you know, really done its work on him. I'm fucking fine. I'm right here. I'm fucking fine. Talk about me like I'm a fucking exhibit. Proving my point. So the thing is, like, i reckon this is a lot this is a lot a lot like uh look the luke heggie you're seeing right now in this podcast is a lot like for me personally

because i've known him a very long time this is a lot like a wrestling persona all right the actual luke heggie um whom you see which is why i love which is why i love his stand-up because you see it you see it in in you've got to see the core of his stand-up. You've got to look inside the cable-stitched sweater to see the yarn, see the ball of wool, right? Yeah, that's what I mean. He's such a clever man. Like, he's got like two fucking honours degrees or a master's degree.

He was going to do a PhD. Like, he's the smartest guy, most compassionate, most loving human being but uh just has zero time for fuck wittery or bullshit yeah you can't even believe i'm here yeah yeah i wonder why you've only said about five words so far higgy but now i get it yeah okay no but i remember like when like high school was you know we went to the kind of high school which was the i guess it we went to the kind of high school which was the, I guess we went to the same high school as well. It was kind of like the high school for the sons of the landed gentry

and their lawyers basically. Oh, there were some catters there. That'll give you a tip. Oh, like Bob Catter's family, you mean. Bob Catter's progeny, yeah. Oh, fuck, there were two. Yeah. Oh, like Bob Catter's family, you mean. Bob Catter's progeny, yeah. Oh, fuck, there were two. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I just. Like all the sort of, if you can say this, a bit of a hoity-toity of Brisbane were amongst these sorts of schools. But there were also grubs there. They let a few grub kids in. I love you going, if I can say this, I'm like, hang on, geez, we're going to have to edit something out here for a minute. And then it's like, hoity-toity.

It's like, no, that's fine. You can say that. He's not lying because our school was actually right across the road from the Liberal Party headquarters of Queensland. And there were a couple of kids in our school who would finish school and then walk across the road for their Young Liberals meetings. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I didn't know what politics was i had no idea but i remember in the schoolyard um i won't

i won't say their names out loud but i remember in the schoolyard these these two or three particular boys would get into shouting matches with the other boys whose dads were in the unions and they would stand at the school you remember that they would stand at the schoolyard and shout at each other i I remember walking around going, I was always interested in those guitars. I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. And I remember just going, what is going on? I don't even understand.

But yeah, it was that kind of school. There was more than a couple of kids that we went to school with that would just literally fall asleep on their desk. And then by the time we were 20, they were now the, you know, the general manager of the pub that their dad owned. Oh, yeah. You know, like, oh, right, okay.

That's why I didn't try very hard. That's a great analogy that you make, Osher, about Heggie in his stand-up being like a wrestling character. I love the idea of you really zeroing in on that and going as hard as you can to the point where you're such a stand-up villain that in a one-man show when you walk out onto the stage, people are already booing you because they're like, here he comes.

Who's he going to give it to tonight? Is it left-handed people? Is it vegetarians? Like when Andre the Giant turned heel, it was like the earth shook. Yeah, you in like a cape and mask when you do your solo shows would be fucking awesome. But I think that's why I love Luke's stand-up so much because I know the man, you know, and it's just you've got to kind of –

he writes – I think for a lot of the time, Luke writes his stand-up to amuse himself. Yeah. Particularly when he rags shit on cyclists for 10 straight minutes. You're like, hang on. Don't you ride a bike? Love bikes. Everywhere?

Just don't like other people on them. Right, right. That's the problem, the people on the bikes. You like the bikes. I mean, you boys might enjoy this. We had B105 in Brisbane, which I believe still exists. It might be called something else. But Osher was a Black Thunder driver.

Radio station you're talking about? Yeah, radio station. Osher was a Black Thunder driver when we were 18, I think. 18, 19. 20. 20. We were 20. And Black Thunder's like, you know, you go out and drive like a promo car for the radio station, you mean. 18, 19. 20. 20. We were 20. And Black Thunder's like, you know,

you go out and drive like a promo car for the radio station, you mean. That's right, Cal. We're on the corner of Old Cleveland Road and Cooperoo. I've got some ice and cold cans of Coke in the video. Easy move. You're the weak of six cents. Bruce Willis. What is he at the end?

You let us find you. Come and find me. If I spot your sticker, I'll give you a free ticket to the Brisbane Bullets. He's still got it baby i should just be driving a fucking bronco around to an ampole giving out cans of drink and shit but occasionally he'd ring up ring up i remember running down the end of my street getting in it while you were driving it and sitting at the lights and you just had the handbrake on just fucking gunning it it was just going up and down it's like it wasn't even in the movies yet that move from what i

could see but it's like it's like in those american films just going up and down like jesus christ it's a bit much even for me but i loved it that you're destroying other people's property really enjoyed it i had a little i had a little regard for how the world worked at that point in time. I didn't really understand. I'm like, oh, this car can bounce. Why don't we just make it bounce? I didn't realize that it was like a $60,000 car that belonged to a radio station, which employed me at the time, and that if I broke it,

my employment may be in jeopardy. I was like, this is fun. I'll do this. Why would they put the bounce function in there if you weren't meant to be using it all of the time? What's the point of having it? Exactly. If you have a 94 Patrol and you put your foot, your toe on the brake,

and then you engage first as you go, the suspension lifts it up. And it was actually really fun. So you're getting into radio. You're getting into radio by then, Osher. How come it takes so long for Heggie to get into the media then? So you're going that way. What's Heggie doing? Heggie to get into the media then? So you're going that way. What's Heggie doing? Heggie was on radio, man.

He would call me up and we would do prank calls in the middle of the night on radio. I was like Guido Hatzis in Brisbane. Heggie worked. So you were doing racist stereotypes but in Queensland, so you really had to up your game. No, it wasn't doing racist stereotypes, but in Queensland, so you really had to up your game. No, it wasn't doing racist stereotypes. We were just being – if anything, I think we were ripping off Billy Birmingham, I think.

That would be a bad idea, I think. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I had a job. I had a midnight till 8 a.m. job on a – called Telecafe. You'd remember this, Carl, being a um like it was pre-internet dating so telephone oh introduction yeah really i'd have to monitor the phones so what would you do well people would ring up and there's a woman's line and a man's line people ring up and go hey

i've got a big throbbing uh i want to meet you and they'd have to go sorry guys bit rude this is more long walks on the beach, candlelit dinners sort of thing. So you'd have to. You're like Hitch, but on the phone. Yeah. Well, I mean, I didn't have to talk to him. There was like eight buttons saying, I think you're too young, you're a woman on the man's line, you're a man on the woman's line,

you're being too rude, whatever. I could pull the little thing down and tell someone to fuck off, which was quite fun. Right. You're like a a switchboard operator like the old school sort of like pull one plug out another plug yeah he was like on on on twitch when you have the auto bot that you know doesn't let you put swear words or racist things on the chat he was like the live version of that yeah like if you're like yeah you know yeah i like i like chinksters white ones i don't want any ones that aren't white like yeah okay let's just push the button there and so he was up and what was yeah what was why this is people got to understand this about this is the

kind of man luke heggie is like when he wants to work he fucking works right so he he would do this job from midnight till 8 a.m then i think he would go and work at a corner store or something then he would go to uni go home and sleep for an hour and then go back and do the he would just do that every day of the week he would just oh wow absolute ring out and he always has you catch a bit of sleep on this job like you just had to press a button every five minutes because about sort of 3 a.m to 6 a.m there's not many people on the introduction line or hardly no one so but you had to wake up every five minutes and press something so you just sort of you could train yourself to just sleep and just every five minutes just hit a button but like who's who's looking for the love of their life at 3 a.m

oh you joke about that but yeah there's there's a few queenslanders out there that is the words of the words of a man who's been married from before Tinder became a thing, Carl. Plenty of people trying to find the love of their life at 3am. I love the idea that there's maybe people listening to this who've been married for a very, very long time and then thinking like they got together back in the day through this hotline and just recognising the voice of Luke Heggie

and going, that's the man. That's the man who connected me with my now wife. Yep. Heggie the baby maker. Yeah. We're kind of, Heggie was always very much an academic guy. He was on the way to becoming, he was a very academic person. And, you know, at the time he did a lot of things at university,

not, you know, limited to maybe helping people in the tutorial rooms not know what time of day it was because the clocks in there were really quite good. And Peggy occasionally would just find a way to remove the clocks from the university he was at. I might have told you this car. I don't know. I can't remember.

Yeah, I used to vlog. I went to the – they had like a logo on each clock, just an analog clock on the wall. So I was just getting for people as presents for birthday, Christmas, that sort of thing. You'd have to go in. I went once with a ladder and got a high one during a lecture. But generally, it'd just be screwdriver, you know, whenever.

Yeah, right. Just turning the uni into like casinos and making sure there's no clocks in there so no one ever knows what time it is. Pretty much. Pretty much. Stealing the windows as well. Yeah.

But he was incredibly successful at that. And, you know, Luke's always been very good at being able to do anything he really wants to. But Brisbane's a small town, mate. At the time, it was quite the cow town. And pretty much everyone, by the time you're 17, 18, all you're feeling is a slingshot. The tension of the slingshot just getting tighter and tighter and tighter. You just cannot wait to just get the fuck out of there.

And I think by the time Luke finished, I think you were already overseas. I remember coming to visit you. How long had you been overseas when I came to visit you at that mansion? Yeah, yeah. Probably a year. No, I don't know. Nearly two years maybe.

Yeah. Yeah. He was working out in some sort of leafy green place. Hampshire. Yeah, out in working out in some sort of leafy green place. Hampshire. Yeah, out in the woodlands. And, yeah, I went and visited him and, you know, he was out there just getting away from it all. Working on a sex line but in England now.

Yeah. Oh, I'm well on it, innit? Looking after incredibly posh people's holiday home i think that's what he he was was kind of like a guy who was a curator of a massive you know downton abbey kind of mansion yeah really i mean you do have strong gardener vibes heggie i have to say i fucking love gardening i've been a gardener good gardening there is pretty good actually here sucks i don't know well obviously no one's gardening. It's fucking hot.

It's real hot. Like Queensland in particular. The ground's hard. It's hot. Try digging a hole. Nightmare. Yeah. England.

How many jobs have you had all up? Like if you have to put your, if you put together a proper CV, how many different jobs have you had? 50, 60, 70? About 75, I think. Wow. Yeah, that was before comedy. How many of those 75

jobs do you have some sort of qualification so you can do it? Legally. I've never been a fake doctor or something. If that's what you mean. That's big of you. I mean, you were a deckhand for a while, but you can't just do that. Boats can kill people.

You kind of have to be qualified for that kind of thing. Oh, really? A deckhand? Yeah. My sort of CV for a while did read like MacGyver's, but I wasn't anywhere near as good as him. But I think they expire, all this stuff, if you don't keep up. Like I had a forklift license.

I think that's gone because I haven't driven one for 10 years. But, yeah, I don't know, heaps of shit, just little bits of shit. Give us your number one favourite and your least favourite of the 75-odd jobs that you've done. Jobs? Oh, I mean stand-up comedy is up there obviously. I'm a purist. It's up there.

It's up there. Top 30. There's no deckhand. It's no horny 3am switchboard operator but it's not bad. Probably I used to – I've said this on here before I think. I used to transcribe police interview videos for suspected murderers. Oh, fuck, that's right. You did too.

Good job. Have you said that to us? I don't know if you have. It was some reality show, wasn't it? Yeah, right. It was some reality show. It was for a reality show, wasn't it? Yeah, it started for TV, but then I kept doing it after.

Yeah, it was some fucking show, but it was just like the the shit cctv footage black and white usually of just a interview room and a murderer you know being questioned the day after so you started doing it for a tv show and then you just did it in your own time for your own hobby after that. Yeah. Took more work home with me. Just to tee yourself up a bit. No, they used to drop off more afterwards. You go, you know, this guy's fairly fast. But I wasn't fast. I'd just stay up all night doing it because I loved it. And it's very interesting.

So I just kept doing some. Still got some DVDs. What were some of the things you learned? Like these are guys that I'm guessing usually they're white men. The day after they have done something absolutely horrible to someone that was probably their intimate partner because it's a fucking scourge in our community. Here we go.

What were some of the commonalities that you found that these men would say? What were the ones you kept? I don't know. I haven't looked at them for 10 years. But things like, I fucking told yous cunts I didn't do it, stuff like that. Just classic guilty sentences.

You can tell within five seconds. You'd have a shortcut for a statement like that on your keyboard anyway. That's a thing that comes up quite often. Yeah, it's like the court stenographer keyboard. They're just like whatever they are. They're not like letters. F2, shortcut. Used has its own key for this kind of stuff.

That's in my Control V already. I told you. Just load it in the clipboard. Apple V, Apple V. When you're transcribing an I told you's cunts kind of guy, let's say they get to a point where they're just like misusing a word or like saying the word completely wrong what is your obligation as a transcriber are you are you kind of editing it and correcting it

or are you just put you've got to put it in verbatim as spoken yeah you put it in verbatim i loved it yeah like you'd you'd spell stuff that they did deliberately yeah good would you type your without an apostrophe just to fuck them? Yeah. I just want to get the vibe across. I can tell that that's what they'd be doing if they were typing this. I've got to be honest. Eventually, after a while, you just ignore what they said and just write, yeah, I fucking did it, and hand that in.

So you've had all these jobs, Heggie. Now, at some stage, Osher, you've now gotten into showbiz, and I assume from what we've heard from Heggie over the years, he's had a few behind-scenes jobs that, I mean, I'm assuming you helped him out with. He's working backstage on shows that you've worked on or other shows. Is that the link there? Because the way I've seen it from afar is that you're the, you know, you know how this often happens when they bring out some champion racehorse

from England to try and win the Melbourne Cup and then to placate the horse, they bring over his little Shetland pony, mate. I assume that's your relationship there. Well, firstly, while Luke unfortunately did bear the brunt of being the shortest one out of all of our mates up until the end of grade 12, at the end of that summer, he was then now taller than everybody else. He waited until school was over and then boom, an extra foot.

He just became taller than all of us. And I'm now the short one. No, I was just working on – I was working on Idol, and I could see they were hiring people everywhere. And Heggie had just come back from – I think he'd been overseas in Ireland, I think was the last place. He'd already met his now wife. And I'm like, oh, man, there's gigs here.

And he's like, yeah, all right. And then that was it, which led to some fantastic stories. I think Luke used to have to drive. One of his jobs was driving the high ace of all the Australian Idol contestants around. What's that? Coming in at job number 34, high ace driver. This is literally like Triple M's countdown of Heggie's best

all-time Aussie jobs. Coming in at number 34, high ace, Idol high ace's countdown of Heggie's best all-time Aussie jobs coming in at number 34. High-ice, idle high-ice driver from Luke Heggie. Ian Moss on lead guitar. And so Heggie would, I think one of his gigs was, it's basically like, it's quite a trusted role because you're working in reality TV and these people are, they're participants in a show. There's a duty

of care. You have to be careful of them. Some of them aren't 18 so you can't just give it to a punter runner. You have to give it to someone who kind of knows what's going on. Someone who works at a sex line. You've got to get them in. Someone mature and discreet. Heggie

was quite mature and quite discreet until recently when some of the stories started coming out. And he doesn't mention any names, but I know exactly who he's talking about when he tells the story about the kid in the back who kept smoking. It's fucking amazing. Oh, I told you guys on this, I'm sure.

I booted some fuckhead out on the street. It was quite remote, actually. Just get out, finish your cigarette, and then I just drove off. Actually, this does remind me. If you do listen to Luke's other podcast, if you do listen to Luke's podcast, Midflight Brawl, you'll know that one of the many objects of his derision, of the top 10 after cyclists and vegans, bloggers in there.

Bloggers definitely in there. But what you may not realize is that Luke Heggie, I actually helped Luke Heggie become almost an analog blogger in the mid-90s. How does that work, an analog blogger? Well, Osher was always a bit of a fucking leader, what do you say in technology? An early adopter of stuff. He had the internet and shit. We didn't fucking know anything about it.

He got me an email account. Still got it, hotmail. Like in 96, something early times, doing that shit. Still rocking the same email address from back then. Well, I've got a few others as well, which, yeah, but still got the Hotmail, yeah. Why would you change it? It's not changing your fucking phone number.

I've still got Yahoo. Look at you, 69 is perfect, mate. Why would you ever think that that would come across as unprofessional when you're doing a negotiation of some description? No, but honestly, Hotmail for me is like a step up. Like someone will say, make a joke about, oh, I've still got Hotmail. I'll be like, fuck, I haven't made it to Hotmail yet. I'm Yahoo.

Like I was thinking about making it up to Hotmail and didn't make the jump. Oh, Yahoo pre-Hotmail. I thought it came after. I think so. All right. When was Big Pond? Big Pond and some other.

After all that. Big Pond was after that. Yeah, after Aussie Mail. Aussie Mail. Yeah, Aussie Mail was first, I think. Aussie Mail. They didn't turn. Big Pond's more boomer.

That's like we've gotten the home internet set up and Telstra have chucked in an email address as well and we're just going to use that because we don't know how to sign up to Gmail or anything. Well, to be fair, I made the jump to Yahoo from dodo.com.au. Oh, yes. That's great. I think as professionalism goes, people would look down upon a big pond Aussie male or dodo

way more than a hot male. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. So, Heggie was on the road. He was traveling on one of his many, many, many adventures across North America.

He's been across South America and Africa and stuff like that, but it was across North America. And he would write actual handwrite letters to me of what was going on in Canada. And I would get these letters in the post, and I would transcribe them and put them up, hand code an HTML webpage. And if you look in the Wayback Machine, you'll probably find it was called Letters from Luke. And sometime, I think 96, you were there in Kelowna in British

Columbia. And so he would write these letters to me, handwrite these letters to me, and then I would transcribe them. So what you're seeing now on Luke Heggy on stage, he's always been that. He's always done that. A blogger. Yeah. Well, no, like your observations of the world. Your observations of the world, the way you look at people,

the way you told the story about how you didn't stand up during a national anthem at an NBL game. And some of the people in the crowd were a bit upset that you didn't want to... Osher, you typing out these letters from Heggie is sort of the same thing, but more bone-chilling than Heggie transcribing the serial killer. Yeah, yeah. It's the words of a serial killer that didn't kill anyone. Yeah. All right. Yeah.

It was pretty cool. And Luke, I think around that time Luke started publishing his own, I remember the first draft of one of his books. He sent three exercise books to me of one of his early books that he published. Yeah, he's always – We don't even know anything about these books he's published. Do we know anything about that?

No, they don't exist. They've gone. What were the books? Well, it's just books about people, dickheads, whatever. I don't know. Mills and Boone and Heggie. Yeah, no, I think the term is manifesto, actually, but yeah. It's a manifesto.

Well, it was very much a, you know, what then would evolve into his very verbose stand-up style. If you saw Heggie maybe three or four years ago, his stand-up was very, very, very dense. And it did remind me of what was in these exercise books, which would be these graphic recountings of what would go on in the bottle shop out at Bell Bowery where he, you know, Bottle-O if you've seen any of Luke's sitcom that he wrote,

Bottle-O is based upon that. And I would just roaring laughing, rolling around on the floor, reading these things, these exercise books that he wrote um bottle i was based upon that and i would just just roaring laughing rolling around on the floor reading these things these exercise books that he sent me he's got extraordinarily neat handwriting by the way and um yeah just fucking brilliant stuff so when luke went to comedy it would it made complete sense to me it made complete sense that he would he would do this because he was always the funniest funniest person i ever ever knew with a way of looking at the world can i say this this is not meant as uh anything offensive or anything but you sound like luke's mum

the amount of love and description and how talented your little boy luke is in this podcast so far it's like it sounds like he's come from your loins. Yeah, you really do seem to love your job as the webmaster of lettersfromluke.com. That seems like it's your favorite. You try not to get sacked from that job. Is that what this is all about? I'm not coming on this podcast ever again without him. You two are fucking bullies.

And just try to remember this, all right? That's it. I feel like this is a fair fight, the love and sunshine coming from Osher against the black light coming from me and Tommy. There's obviously a lot of love between you, but is that the only job that you worked on together? You didn't do any backstage at Channel V or you didn't do any any um like backstage at um at channel v or you didn't do any backstage at the bachelor or anything like that when i'm when i got back from a trip i

came to sydney i was staying on osher's couch for fucking six months and we just played scrabble and pinball and he was working and um that's right i was just doing odd jobs and shit but yeah i got a few tv jobs then idol was the only one think. I was on Idol for two seasons. It's just so good, your approach to that job, where it's like, your mate, he's hosting the show, he gets you in, and then your immediate impulse is, I'd better play up with this job. It's like the host's reputation is on the line,

but I'm going to get in here and immediately be a dickhead. It's just so good. There was a distinct separation. It wasn't like Osh had to come into the office where I was during the week and shit. Like there was, you know, I didn't have to. Well, to be fair, I would love to have seen, you know, someone come into Osh's office and sort of go, sorry, mate, you're out.

We're going to have to replace you with Ernie Sigley or someone because your little mate over here did a burnout in the Tarrago. So you're off the show. Sorry, mate. Luke was never that obtuse with his larrikinism. He was always very, very subtle with his larrikinism and just these tiny little moments that would help him keep his sanity

in these gigs that would sometimes test his patience, particularly when he's dealing with, in some cases, reality TV contestants. I had, you know, the funnest part of that job was going on those audition tours. They're quite fun. But you just get every lunatic come out from everywhere and just thousands like audition.

The tours where you'd go to a town, they'd do a cattle call for an audition and everyone would rock up for that, right? Yeah. That is the dream for me, yeah. Oh, man, it's pretty fun, but then it's tedious. And they stink like an auditorium full of teenage stinkies. And they'd have to plough through them before they get to the one you see on TV where there's the bozos and the talented singers.

They'd have to just plough through thousands of fucking people like you and me, like whoever, just rolling in and going, I'll give it a crack. And the producers have a tough time keeping up and they'd they'd be a lineup i'd be bringing people in go right oh you finished get out and the producers it's went for lunch and i just went into the room go right next and i'd hear a few and go yeah sorry you haven't really got what it takes just to get through them quicker. But if they were good, I'd go, yeah, stick around. You'll have to see the producer.

But we all know. You know when you know. Yeah, yeah. If they're doing a song, if they're doing a bit of Red Hot Chili Peppers and you're like, nah, don't fancy Anthony Kiedis, you can piss off actually. Oh, yeah, for sure. Song choice was key in my criteria. Without a doubt. And every year there would be the same song.

There was one year where every young woman would do the Alicia Keys song. I keep on falling. Yeah. And it was just every four out of five young ladies would sing that track and it's got a very very tricky bit that not many if any of them ever got right and you'd have to sit through this moment um but look it's that's that was the job and that was the gig and it was you know a lot of a lot of fun those tours are really fun we're on we're out for ages we're out for like six eight weeks at a time and um what eventually started happening is we created this

on-the-road poker tournament. And so me and Heggie and Jimmy and Diggers and Holden, Marty Mark Holden is actually a pretty good poker player. And we would just all sit around. Really? Yeah, we would end up getting. I wouldn't imagine he had a very good poker face. I would have thought he would have probably known about it.

He's good. Holden's actually a really decent man. Mark Holden's a very good poker face. I would have thought he would have probably known about it. He's good. Holden's actually a really decent man. Mark Holden's a very decent man. And we were just basically wherever accommodation we were staying at, I'd be like, do you have a conference room or something? They're like, yeah. I was like, is anybody using it at 9 o'clock tonight? And they went, no.

I'm like, great. And so we just rolled into this conference room, and sometimes the overnight guys would be looking for something to do. And we said, do you guys mind opening a bar? Yeah, all right. And so we'd sit there in these seriously i remember this one time and yeah we'd sit there in perth and then occasionally you guys want any drinks oh yeah we'll just you know put it on the room put it on the tab that you sign out anyway and it was fucking great we said they're just playing poker all night because there's there's fucking nothing else to do really in adelaide or whatever so So it was great. This is great. The game of poker, we need a full conference room to get this off the ground.

We couldn't possibly do it in one of our own rooms. We need to commandeer an entire auditorium. It's a big table, Tommy. You need a big boardroom table. True. We'd get the massive room where they have the hair expo or something. We'd have the, you know. Just a little boardroom. I love the idea of you booting out the hair expo or something. Just a little border.

I love the idea of you booting out the hair expo. No, no, no. There's some important Australian Idol business happening in here. I've got a full house, so everyone fuck off. It was actually really fun. And, you know, the people – what was great about that gig is the people that worked on that job, as often happens, and I'm sure you see it in comedy as well,

the people that orbited around that level of show and the success that that show had have all kind of spun off. And now some of those people have gone on to, the people that sat around that poker table have gone on to be like the massive executive producers, showrunners of humongous shiny floor shows.

And the fuckers are 10 years younger than me. Which is great. I'm thrilled. Never letting Heggie on the show because he fleeced them at a game of poker. Is that what you're saying? That's what I don't get about TV sometimes because it'll be like, you know, you'll see some gossip on the Daily Mail or whatever.

It's like, oh, this person on, you know, what's the breakfast show on Channel 7 called again? Sunrise. Be like, oh, we're going to boot this person off Sunrise. They're on a million a year, but we're going to boot boot them and then let's cut to a picture of the executive producer it's like that guy's 22 years old what the fuck's happening don't worry he he's only been the executive producer for about 10 days like the turnover off camera on those gigs but that's everything right like you you have certain jobs that in your life where,

you know, when you're younger, when you're in your early twenties, like everyone seems older than you. And like real estate agents is the classic one where it's like, you have a rental inspection and you go, Oh fuck the, the real estate agents coming around.

And it's like, the guy turns up at the front door and it's like, this is a 21 year old wearing a suit that doesn't fit. Like, why am I, why am I fucking scared of this guy? Why am I dancing around this guy? Pretty brutal when you, yeah.

Fucking guy in a 90s BMW with a clipboard telling you, you know, to clean up your house. Fucking grubby. Yeah, still lives with his parents, telling me how to live my life in my share house. Brutal stuff. Yeah. Yeah, his dad's, his last name's the same name on the

real estate agent's billboard because it's his dad's billboard. The guys we were speaking about before in a pink shirt and some hair with a face on a bus stop. Those guys showing up. Osher, I wanted to ask you something. Now, when we get a guest on

who we haven't had on before, someone of your stature, we'll do a bit of research, by which I mean we'll go on their Wikipedia. And I've never thought to do this before, but I found something about you on your Wikipedia that is listed as citation needed. And I thought this could be a good opportunity for us. If we can get you to confirm this fact from your Wikipedia,

then we can be listed as the citation. That's like a good way of us advertising the podcast is if we just start showing up in the footnotes of people's Wikipedia pages. Very appropriate. Help us get the word out a little bit. Yeah. Next time we do a live show, we can say, as seen on Osher Gunzberg's Wikipedia page, it's not a bad credit for us.

Yeah, exactly. So this is just a little factoid about you that, yeah, is on your Wikipedia. It's got citation needed next to it. It says, Osher was active in the Brisbane band scene between 1994 and 1997, playing electric bass in Feebles Junkie and double bass in The Resin Dogs. Oh, The Resin Dogs.

Correct. Is that true? Yeah, I was. I played Fretless and Five String in Feebles, and I played Double Bass in an early – they were Resin Dogs. It started as me, Catch, and Dave, just the three of us, just jamming. And there was a couple of other MCs. Lazy Grey was one of the MCs that joined us.

Shawnee B was another MC that joined us. And then we were just jamming and we obviously realized that there was something pretty good going on. Obviously, Dave Atkins was my hero. He played in a band called Pangaea, which was the band that Ben Eli from Regurgitated was in. And famously, their manager gave, they had the same manager and the cassette in the olden days, he gave the cassette to Warner Brothers

and on one side it was Pangaea, on the other side it was Regurgitator and Regurgitator got the deal. Oh, really? Yeah, I know. Yeah, that's the story. So anyway, Dave Atkins played in Pangaea and I loved Dave Atkins. He produced one of my band's CDs. We had a couple of CDs, my band Feebles Junkie,

and Dave Atkins produced one of the CDs. He knew I played double bass, and so he called me up and said, hey, man, you just come around, I'm drumming, catch is DJing. And I just couldn't believe it because I'm a big fan of hip-hop and I love the sound, that kind of 90s sound that borrowed loops and jazz record, bits of jazz records and hits and snare hits and trumpet hits and things like that. And it was just amazing fun.

And so we used to do gigs at a place in Brisbane called Rick's Cafe and a place called The Zoo. And we played at the Livid Festival as well, which was super, super fun. And then they ended up getting a far better bass player than me, a guy by the name of Chris Bosley. And before Dwayne Johnson, he was Chris the Rock Bosley because he was solid as a rock.

He was a human metronome. And once they got Bosley on board, they went to international success. So getting rid of me was a very clever move because they went global as soon as I was the anchor. Yeah, I was excited to read that because the Resin Dogs were the first concert that I went to. And I was wondering, did a young Tommy Dasolo see a young Osher Gunzberg ripping the bass up there at the Vibes on a Summer's Day festival opening for Groove Armada and Jamiirah Choir, the first concert I ever went to. Wow, yeah. I left the band right before that.

I left the band right before that too. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So is that enough confirmation for Wikipedia, or do we need to get Yumi Steins and James Matheson to sign off on that as well? How many sources does Wikipedia need? Yeah, yeah. This is enough.

This is enough. You should get on there, and you should mark this down as truth and fact. Yeah, anyone listening, get on there. This is the citation. This is enough. This is enough. You should get on there and you should mark this down as truth and fact. Yeah, anyone listening, get on there. This is the citation. You get credited. Maybe mention too that he plays the theremin while you're at it. Oh. Whack that in Wikipedia.

Okay. Doesn't everyone play the theremin? Well, it's the sort of instrument you get out at a party, isn't it? Just... I used to be that guy. Play a bit of Wonderwall on the theremin. This is pre-Wonderwall. It was before Wonderwall even came out. party, isn't it? Just, uh, I used to be that guy. Play a bit of Wonderwall on the theremin.

This is pre-Wonderwall, it was before Wonderwall even came out and I played theremin in a Brisbane band called Full Fathom Five for a while.

Oh, I remember that band. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I like that by the

end of this podcast that the music section of your Wikipedia at the moment is just that little bit that I read out. I like that by the

end of this podcast the music section of your Wikipedia could be longer than the television section of your wikipedia at the moment is just that little bit that i read out i like that by the end of this podcast the music section of your wikipedia could be longer than the television section of your wikipedia we just keep adding all right then instruments i played double bass for a country band called the crying skies no g it was an apostrophe crying crying skies great yeah yeah i played i played double bass in the country band called crying skies for a while uh that was here in brisbane proper country because we had 10 people. So you're not country unless you hit double figures. So, yeah, that was a lot of fun.

I remember you being a roadie for Millionaires and Teddy Bears. Yes. That dude who taught us all how to drive. I wanted to ask you about being a roadie because we talked on the show last week. We had John Safran on, and I wanted to read a review of his book, and it was behind the paywall. So I had subscribe to the australian in order to read this interview which when i was looking up stuff about you this morning osha uh there's an interview with you behind the paywall on the australian so i just wanted to once again mention that i'm that i'm

getting that i'm using this subscription to the australian to get to get facts about you being a roadie so that i can now i can claim this back on tax i don't have to get facts about you being a roadie so that I can claim this back on tax. I don't have to feel too bad about being a paid-up subscriber of the Australian. That's okay. But, yeah, you were a roadie. Yeah, I was a roadie. Yeah.

I was a roadie for a couple of different bands, actually, and Millionaires and Teddy Bears was one of them. And, yeah, it was wild. I got that job because he was the driving instructor that taught Luke how to drive. And the keyboard player was a driving instructor that taught Luke how to drive. And I had failed my first driving test.

And I'm like, well, this guy seems to know what he's doing. So I got the number off Heggie. And yeah, he taught me how to drive. I failed my first one. They just did that. I don't know if to drive i found my first one they just did that then i don't know if they'd still do it but they just made you fail for fuck all i just right come back next week give us some more money what you didn't you didn't you didn't have anything in specific you did wrong well i no i did i swerved to miss a dog that ran out so

so if you had to hit the dog you would have got your license. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah, this is 90s Queensland, Carl. At that point in time, in the 90s Queensland, it was like, mate, it's fucking roadkill. It's like Mario Kart. You get more energy if you run over the dog. Yeah, okay.

You'll never fucking survive out the back of Goondiwindi if you keep swerving through wildlife, mate. Fucking plough through it. survive out the back of gunda windy if you keep swerving for wildlife mate fucking plow through it i i ended up failing my i ended up failing my driving test the first time twice because when i moved to america um and i got my driving license in california when i was living over there i failed it the first time there as well so as a 32 year old man i failed my fucking driving test the first time jesus so wait shameful mate this guy from this band was your driving instructor, and then you end up becoming a roadie for that band

through him becoming your driving instructor? Yeah, because he knew we were talking. He goes, oh, what are you doing? I said, I haven't got a job at the moment. I was a roadie, but the band I used to work for, they've moved out of Brisbane. They've moved somewhere else. And I was a lighting guy, and I told him I used to run the lights

and put the PAs together and stuff like that. He goes, oh, my band's looking for a lighting guy and that was it. Right. That was it. That's great. Well, I know you can drive. I'm sitting here next to you watching you do it. That's all the proof I need.

Yeah, you switch, you know, it's 7 o'clock, you put the high beams on, you must know your lighting. Okay, get in. Knew what was up. Knew what was up. I knew what was up. We didn't even get into the fact that Osher was part of a magical part of my life when we all stayed together in New York City about 10 years ago. Yeah. That's right.

This is the first time I've seen both of you since that night in New York. I wasn't there. You were at the club later on. Yeah, I wasn't staying there. That's right. You were at the club later on. But yeah, Datilo was, yeah, that was the first time I met you. It was like fuck o'clock in the morning too, wasn't it?

Yeah, we all stayed together in an Airbnb. It was us and Nick Cody. And we'd been out one night drinking. I think, Oshie, you stayed with us for a couple of nights, and then you were interviewing someone for maybe the project or something, so they'd put you up in a hotel. So us and Nick Cody had gone out drinking. We're walking around New York.

I've lost our key, so we're now locked out of our Airbnb. We have to call the host to get a replacement key, so we're now locked out of our Airbnb. We have to call the host to get a replacement key, but we can't get onto him because it's like the middle of the night. And there's a video where we're just killing time in a diner. So this is by about 6 a.m. by this point, isn't it? Like you guys have been up all night. You're absolutely rooted. Yeah, and I think we knew that we could go and kill some time

at Osh's hotel when he woke up, but we're just killing time. We're walking around the city, and there's a video of me having fallen asleep in a diner against the window, and you and Cody around the other side of the window, Higgy knocking on the window and waking me up, and it's me with the most startled look on a person's face that you could ever hope to see. Because I'm, yeah, I've been up all night.

You know when you just drift into sleep after like being up all night and it's just like, it's just the deepest sleep. And it doesn't matter that I'm sitting up and my head is against a window or whatever. I am just completely out. And the shock of being woken up by tapping on the glass, realising that I've fallen asleep upright, I'm in another country. It's just all hitting me all at once. But I guess we can repost that on the socials during the week.

You know what fucking hit me? This was a valuable lesson for me to just trust my first instincts because I didn't know you. I met you and I thought, this guy's a fuckhead. But then he has actually, he's volunteered to be in charge of the key. He must know. He must be all right. He must know what he's doing.

You didn't. You fucking lost it. Like the loser that you are. Lost the key. Yep. But it wasn't the end of this story that you guys then walked around all night in New York City. You're so fucked off your head. You're so tired.

And then it gets right to the end. And then Dastley puts his hand in his pocket and goes, oh, there's the key. Isn't that what happened at the end? No, it was in the bar. You had to go back to the bar and get it gets right to the end and then Dassolo puts his hand in his pocket and goes, oh, there's the key. Isn't that what happened at the end? No, it was in the bar. You had to go back to the bar and get it. Like the owner let us in about 10 a.m. or something. No, the key was lost but it was refound at the bar. It's still out there.

I remember you guys rolling in because you needed somewhere to be and I remember either you texted or you called and you came into the hotel room and I remember the you guys you showed me the video i saw this video of dasolo uh i'll never get it and i just keep talking about it then remind you it took me back to that that moment um and it was just it was brilliant i i guess you know before before we go i think it's important we didn't really we talk about this a little luke vaguely vaguely mentioned it but um if there's there's two things that i'm grateful that luke is in my life for it's someone to always ride a bicycle with particularly a small fold-up clown bike not quite as small as luke's but also someone to play scrabble with uh when luke lived in when we

lived together in north bondi um we must have played three games a night. There was a leaderboard on the wall. There was word of the week. That was the best. There was a trophy. There was an all-time best score on the wall. We all got really, really deep into Stefan Fatsis and the book Word Freak, which I highly, highly recommend. It's a very nerdy book about people falling down

the rabbit hole of competition Scrabble. We started going to Scrabble clubs. We started going to, you know, play away games against people we didn't know. And there was one, Luke was writing, if you don't know, Luke is one man who loves a bit of adventure, like a lot of fucking adventure. Before children suck the freedom out of your life,

go and have adventures. And Luke did a lot of adventure. And one of those adventures was riding his bicycle. He's ridden his bicycle around South America, around Tasmania. He was riding his bicycle around New Zealand. And I said, look, I'm here for a couple of weeks on holiday after Australian Idol Season 2. Come and hang out with me.

And he came out of this beach house. And I think we played over the course of five days. I think we played close to 48 yeah games of scrabble and i actually i wanted to find the score sheet because it's here somewhere i still have the score we ended up oh we ended up and it's all in luke's impeccably uh you know previously mentioned very neat handwriting we ended up no longer playing for i'm just going to win this one we started going okay all right i'll play you for every reptile on the planet not aquatic ones just land-based ones you end up owning the sun and shit like you know i do but i won the sun in a game of scrabble from

luke but he won great he won all all water on the earth frozen and salty. Wow. Don't swear in my fucking ocean, mate. I own that, you know. Yes. Go surfing today like fuck you are. Sometimes when you're gambling, you're saying, well, we're not playing for sheep sheds or anything.

Fuck, you were playing for a lot more than that. Wow, that's awesome. Again, I find this so funny. Again, the Luke Hickey you meet on stage where he's teeing off about vegans, he's teeing off about left-handed people, he's teeing off about whoever there is, any sort of small group in society,

yet we find out that he plays the mandolin, he loves karaoke, he loves Scrabble, he rides a fold-up bike. What the fuck's wrong with you? You should be on stage teeing off on yourself, you freak. I think that's why it's so funny. I think that's why I laugh so hard. I laugh so hard when I'm at his shows because it's like, you fucking prick.

You've got everyone here thinking that you're upset at these strangers. Yeah, next thing you're going to find out, you are trained at Goliad or something. That's another hidden secret. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he speaks fluent French. Don't forget. So what else is going on? Speaks accentless French.

Was in Paris with Luke right after the birth of his eldest child. And we're on a tandem, on the tandem that he and his wife followed the Tour de France around on. All right, so we're on this tandem. Oh, there's another one. Yeah, we're on a tandem bike riding through Paris, which is fucking amazing. And I'm riding on the back of a tandem with Luke Heggie, which is also fucking amazing, right? And we're pulling into this, like, the catacombs, like, I don't know who the fuck planned this city,

but they didn't do a very good job. Anyway, I'm so lost. And this person goes, excuse me. And Luke goes, oh, oui. And I'm like, what? He just speaks in perfect French, directing this lost Parisian back to the main road. He's going to shake it off like it's not happening,

but I watched him do it. I forgot about that. I'm adding that to the list. Mandolin, karaoke, Scrabble, fold-up bike has got French kids. Yeah, absolute weirdo. How's your fasting going, Heggie? Have you got a sick pack again? Yeah, it's all right.

I mean, I've cheated a few times, but yeah, it's all right. Just get used to it. Just eating four hours a day. That's it. You can't eat. That's just – I think that's not really fasting. That's just not being able to do any stand-up comedy, so not having money for food.

Heggie, it's not technically fasting. Yeah, it's very similar to that. But you can – I mean, I'm used to it. It's fine. Eat one till five. Does it feel pretty good? So you eat when the kids eat? So the kids don't know that you're skipping lunch?

Kids don't know you're skipping breakfast? Oh, no, I'm skipping breakfast and dinner. I'll have lunch, big lunch, and then I'll have a five o'clock snack. That's it. Is this just to try and get, you know, job number 76 or whatever you're up to now to get into supermodeling? Is that what's happening now? You're just trying to get your beach bod for summer?

No, just sort of, you can't exercise as much. So in lockdown, so I just eat less. I'm not working as much as I should and, you know, just eat less. Do you want some kettlebells and shit? I've got like a bunch of weights sitting around here that you're more than welcome to borrow. Oh, no, I'm all right as much as I should and, you know, eat less. Do you want some kettlebells and shit? I've got like a bunch of weights sitting around here that you're more than welcome to borrow. Oh, no, I'm all right.

Thanks, though. I'm all right. I fucking hate weights. I've got some sandbags you could fill up. You can get one to about 50 kilos. They're the ones I travel with. Why don't you just go down to the gym? They'd be still open in Sydney, wouldn't they?

Just walk on down there. Everything's fucking shut. Because there's people dying at home with lungs full of pus. I don't know if you realise, but things are fucking bad at the moment. Oh, I know they're bad down here. I just didn't know if they were as bad up there by the look of your nose up there. That's all. It's really, really bad.

It's really, really bad. And no one's taking account and no one's got their hands on the wheel. And it's fucked. It's not great. Hey, we're all on Zoom. We know. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Well, that's the kind of note that we like to wrap these episodes up on. Luke Heggie, Osher Gunzberg, thanks very much for joining us. Heggie, people can check out your podcast with Nick Cody, Midflight Brawl. You've also got a couple of your stand-up specials on your website, lukeheggy.com, that people can check out. Yes, I do. Go do all that stuff. We're also holding a food drive

for Heggy so he can eat after 6 o'clock at night as well, so chip into that. Excuse me, Heggy's the... Of all the stand-up comedians that I follow online, the moment lockdown was announced, the moment gigs got cancelled, everyone's like, oh, please donate to my Patreon. Oh, please follow me on Twitch.

I've got no money. Heggie's like, I'll have to go swing a fucking hammer and do an actual job. Excuse me. Fucking takes care of his family. He knows what's up, man. He knows what's up. He always has been. Out there in the community, super spreading. Thank you, Heggie. of his family. He knows what's up, man. He knows what's up. Yeah. Always has been.

Yeah, out there in the community, super spreading. Thank you, Lakeegi. You're welcome. Thanks, Osh. You've been very generous, and these two should take a fucking lesson on how to be nice to me publicly. Oh, look, we're going to go out and find some new famous mates that like us. That's the lesson we're taking out of this.

Fucking hell. Must be nice. I've got to say, the first night I ever met you, Carl, I didn't know who you were. I didn't put it together that you were from the podcast that I had listened to.

The first time I met you, I remember it was this really important gig for Luke and it was in New York and it was him and Cody and this club. It was actually a pretty full club. It was actually really, really good. And Luke's getting ready to go on.

He's getting ready. And he kept interrupting and going, mate, can I just get up and do five? Mate, can I just get up and do five? I remember that. Okay. And I wanted to jump in and go. Is that what you did?

It's a great deal. Yes, what you fucking did. It's always good. You wouldn't stop. It's always good. You wouldn't stop. And I'm like, mate, cut your fucking shit. This is a really important line for him.

I didn't know who you were. I'm like, stop fucking with my friend here. Shit the fuck down, mate. I was pretty fucked off at you that first night. I didn't know who you were. I'm like, don't fucking throw him off his game. This is a big night for him. See, I didn't have time to be playing silly buggers like that.

I was guarding our apartment key with my life at that stage. I couldn't afford any mental capacity to do anything else. Well, I just want to apologise to Osher, not to Luke, obviously, but to Osher for annoying him. But no, I stand by what I did physically to Luke. I didn't want to upset Osher. It's a good bit. Osher, thank you so much for joining us.

We'd better let you guys go. It is, of course, lockdown in Sydney. And as you mentioned, Heggie's got another, he's been working through the pandemic, so he's probably got a shift at Cotton on coming up later today. Yeah. In the Sydney lockdown. Osher, thanks for joining us.

People can check out your podcast. You've got Better Than Yesterday, and you've got Australian Idols with James Matheson. Idol Australian. Idol Australians with James Matheson. 400 episodes of Better Than Yesterday coming up on Monday, and I don't really quite know what to do about it. I probably should have recorded a big,

hey, it's 400, but I don't know what to do about that. I don't know you guys have done this for longer than me, but at some point it's like you look back at this body of work and go, well, fuck, I guess I did make something. Ask these guys what they did for their 500th and get some tips from that. How did you celebrate your 500th episode, boys? Yeah, well, we organised a global

pandemic so we couldn't actually do it. And so we've been postponing it for about two years now. So that's what we did. We did fuck all. This is 571. And if you look back through our catalogue at the moment, it goes 4988 499 501

so essentially we're going to eventually we'll get to a point where it's like whatever 589 500 590

it's good I'm not too confident about that to be honest but yeah I'm looking forward to 5 I'm looking forward to 599

and then 500 600 601 double header live double header we're actually I'm looking forward to $599 and then $500, $600, $601. Yes, yes. Double header. Live double header. Actually, the plan is to do $500, $600 and $700 just in case. Just in case we get another strain down the track.

Bacon. We will. And it's probably a good idea. Mask up. Wash your hands. Be kind to each other. Give your neighbours some dinner if you can. Absolutely.

Lovely. Not me. Also, I you can. Absolutely. Lovely. Look after yourselves. Except unless you're Heggie. Unless you're Heggie, because he'll be fasting. Come around with an empty Tupperware container for Heggie. That's what's going to agree with his diet. Alright guys, thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time.

See you mates! See you mates! And they've done it again. They've done it again. They've done it again with Heggie, and they've done it for the first time with Osher. That's right. First time guest, Tommy.

Yeah, yeah. Great of him to say yes to it. He doesn't really know us apart from, you know, having stayed with me in an Airbnb nearly 10 years ago. Well, yeah, I mean, that's what I would have said, doesn't really know us. But, you know, by the end, just the bit that we've just heard then when he sort of arcs off, I'm like, oh, you've got a bit of a dislike

of me here going on. This is what's been going on here. He really kept that hidden for, yeah, 55 minutes or so. I thought, I mean, yeah, if I was him, I might have thought, hey, my first time on the show, maybe I'll come, I'll bring that one out out of the gate. I'll open with that. But no, he did a pretty good job to, yeah.

Look, in hindsight, in hindsight, looking back, when we first started talking and he popped out very early on, he popped out a, oh, Chandler, fucking this and that. And I'm like, oh like oh okay all right okay because i'm literally like he tells that story at the end i have no memory of that happening i came into this episode i come into this episode not remembering i've met osher i don't i don't remember meeting him right right um so that is funny that i don't remember this bloke who's massive, but he remembers me as a cunt. He's kept that with him for like 10 years.

But even that, I mean, you know, there's plenty of people out there that have a story about, like, you know, meeting Carl Chandler and, you know, not necessarily taking to him. But in defence of you in this story, your great crime of someone's about to do this big gig and you're going, can I get on and do five? That's funny. That is funny. I wouldn't even say that's I mean, Oshie doesn't know how

well he's gotten off there. That's not even you really being a cunt. That's just a funny bit. No. And also, I wasn't doing it to him. I was doing it to fucking Heggie who was fine with it. Well, I think that's the issue. As we heard in the episode, he's got such a deep love of Luke Heggie that just seeing you sort of coming in between him

and he's like, his big break, his big break in New York City. That's it. The big break where if Luke Heggie, if I hadn't have said that to Heggie, he was going to be on Saturday Night Live as a regular player. But unfortunately, I blew it for everyone. And, you know, look, it's like whatever. It's a funny story, and he told it well, but, you know, in the story, it's like, oh, you know, they were there, him and Nick Cody, they were doing the split bill

show, and the room was packed. It wasn't. Yeah, that's why we were there. We're there to make up numbers. I mean, look, better of a crowd than we could have pulled at the time, for sure, and we weren't on there doing any kind of our own gig like that, so, you know, whatever. But, like, let's just make it a historically factual story.

It's not like the people weren't, like, hanging from the rafters, like, you know, begging for a ticket out the front or anything like that. Like, yeah, I remember it being a good show and a fun time but yeah on top of that of you saying it was just a funny thing to to say it's like yeah i didn't quite hear the story the first time around properly he tells that story i didn't realize he was attributing it to me and i'm like that's a that's funny who said that oh me oh cool yeah i mean that's that's like a that's just a funny bit to do to anyone that's like a you know that's a that's a well that's a classic just going up to someone for a big important thing

and asking if you can get on yeah absolutely very funny yeah anyway thanks for reminding me i show that was that's a good bit i'll use that again he's done it again i did the opposite this didn't i thought this might come up when we had him on the show but Anyway, thanks for reminding me, Asha. That's a good bit. I'll use that again. He's done it again. I did the opposite. I thought this might come up when we had him on the show, but a recent friend of the show, Ben Knight, one of the first times I properly hung out with him, I was hosting a gig and he was waiting to go on and the act before him was on and I turned to him and I said,

do you want to hop up and he just didn't he just didn't know how to handle it like he didn't he didn't know that i was kidding he just the look on his face where he's like but i i'm on like i'm on next and i'm like no i know that's why i that's why i said it was to be funny so thank god osha wasn't around to witness that one or i would have been fucking hung out to dry. Yeah, I don't know what he would have made of that though. I think he would have been thoroughly confused. He would have been worse than 90.

Why? Yeah, totally. Totally. Also, I do like it's very much our version of, you know, we get a guest on for the first time. It's very us that we're like, yeah, what's Luke Heggy like? Like not like what's hosting the biggest shows of the last 15 years? Like, you know, Australian Idol.

No questions about that. No questions about The Masked Singer. No questions about The Bachelor. No mentions of any of them. Even V, I sort of tried to, I was going to try and get in there. I mentioned James Matheson and Yumi Steins, but yeah, no deeper than that.

And what's Heggy like? Oh yeah, okay. He's a good bloke, is he? Great. Well, you know, maybe one day, you know, maybe we can have him on again someday and ask all those questions. Ask, oh, what's it like being around hot chicks?

Tell us about that. Yeah. No, I think in another 10 years, so then he can recount the story that I talked to him for an hour and sort of bagged his fucking best little mate. Yes. So, yeah, I'll be in the doghouse for that next time, I reckon. But, yes, thanks to Osher. Thanks for coming on. Yeah, great fun.

Thanks for taking time out of your day. Someone who has definitely got many, many better things to do than talk to us and is a very busy man. We had to find a tiny little hole in his schedule and so very generous of him to give us that time that he had. Also, I do like the fact that he's got the Bachelors. Is it finished now? I guess it's just finished, but the Masked Singer's on, is about to start on TV.

But I do like it when you get a guest of a certain profile where they're like, no, I'm not really going to bother plugging this on this thing. It's really not going to make much of a difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The idea of anyone listening, like the idea of someone rolling the dice on the masked singer just because they heard the host on this podcast. I wonder how many people there are like that out there that are just like, didn't think it was for me, but, you know, if he's been on Dumb Dumb,

I'll go against the sort of entertainment I usually like and I'll give this show a crack. I like the idea that someone on here just doesn't even watch TV. They just listen to podcasts, listen to our podcast, and they go, okay, well, that guy was all right. Okay, I'll give this show a go. Watched the Masked Singer for the first time ever and every guess is, is that Luke Heggie under the fucking,

under the scallop mask? Is that Luke Heggie under the Lamington mask? It must be. Like, fucking, Osher loves him so much, he's got to have got him on this show. Right, yeah. I mean, look, we've sort of, like, we've kind of tried to have Osher before in the past,

and the timing's never quite worked out. And thank God we hadn't had him until now because, of course, last year while The Masked Singer was on, they had an outbreak of COVID on the show. They all had to go into isolation for like a week because someone on the show got COVID-19. And thank God Osher wasn't already a friend of the show at that point because otherwise the socials would have been flooded with,

oh, the dum-dum curse. It shut down The Masked Singer. We never would have been flooded with, oh, the dum-dum curse. It's shut down the last singer. We never would have heard the end of it. Hey, big news. Actually, you mentioned live shows at the top of the show, Tommy, but big news about RE, the dum-dum curse. The Great Australian Podcast Festival has been cancelled for next year,

whatever it's called. Well, sort of cancelled. They're going to try it for next year, whatever it's called. Well, sort of cancelled. They're going to try it again next year. So if you had tickets to the Great Australian Podcast Festival, our show, originally it was supposed to be, I don't know when it was, it was supposed to be November or something, right? November or something. I think there was already a soft cancellation and postponement. We got told it was going

to be in March next year. Before that, it even got made official. Now it's off. So yeah, look, you'll get your refund from that. But we were going to go down and play the Palais Theatre. So hopefully that all happens again. You'll have to buy your tickets again next year if that gets up and all that sort of stuff, which I'm sure it will. Yep.

At this point, though, fingers crossed you and I can have the Palais be in the radius that we're allowed to travel to. So we can just walk down on that date and just kind of do a little lap around the block and then head home. That might be, I mean, if that's all we can do at that point, that'd be fucking great. Look, if you don't want to get a refund on your ticket, we'll go down and put on a show on the front steps.

So whoever wants to come down on that date. In that rank park next to the theatre in front of Luda Park, that fucking disgusting park. Yeah, what'll just do that in that rank park next to the theatre in front of Luda Park, that fucking disgusting park. Yeah, what about that? We'll get a bit of Barla's next door, get a bit of that, whatever it is, Malaysian food, get a bit of like half, third veggie curry, third meat curry and a bit of rice and bring it over to the shitty park with all the dog shit and rubbish on it. And we'll sit around in a circle and talk a bit of shit.

So, yeah, see you down there on that day. Yeah, yeah. I know people are going to hold us to that now. But, yeah, there'll be a few people next to us doing nangs and, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'll be good. Get on the old 96 and go down there. And go for a beer at the Espy straight Yeah, that'll be good. Get on the old 96 and go down there. And go for a beer at the Espy straight after. That'll be good.

That would be pretty good, actually. Yes. Speaking of that, we don't really have anything to update. Just, you know, thank you to everyone that's got tickets to the Sold Out Brisbane shows because we're currently just, you know, we haven't given you a new date yet because things have been happening, obviously. But as soon as we know anything, as soon as the coast is clear, as soon as everyone gets vaxxed up,

and we know what the world is going to be like down our end of the world at the very least, we'll let you know and give you a new date. I would imagine next year, early next year. So, yeah, and same with perth uh that hasn't been officially postponed yet but um we're just waiting on a on a date that works for us as well so that's all going to be 2022 let's be honest so um yeah it's going to be a bit of a log jam of shows i hope early next year but yeah i mean if you're listening, get the Vax. Look it up, get the Vax.

They haven't done the best job of making it easy to do, but there's enough resources out there at the moment. There's like a website where you can find appointments pretty easily. So if you've been putting it off, get it done. Get it done. Yeah. I'm actually getting notifications on my phone right now where I'm fighting with anti-vaxxers. So I'm very tempted to sort of just check them and argue back while we're talking here,

but I'd better be professional. Do some live on the air. Yeah. Just ring them up. Get them on FaceTime now. Well, speaking of dumb cunts peddling misinformation, do we have anything for Talkin' Gibbo this week? No, not too much.

I'm just, you know what? You know what I worry about? You know, we've talked about I started up an Instagram account for a Bell Gibson official. Yep. And been having a bit of fun on that. Yep. Just plucking out pictures off Google Images, writing some dumb captions.

I was having a good look at the comments yesterday and there are a lot more people than I thought were in there. Like I hadn't checked it for a few days and then in that timeframe, a lot more genuine, gullible people have gone on board and thought that it's a real account. It's starting to pay off. I thought I'd gone too hard on the, this is obviously a parody account,

and then, no, good, great. I thought I would have had to go a lot softer and more realistic, but I've gone pretty broad, pretty dumb, and there's still people on there thinking, either thinking it's really her or thinking that it's a normal person making reasonable arguments. Right. But there's a lot of people that are like, I mean, yeah, it stands to reason that if you were hooked in by Bill Gibson to begin with, you also would be easily hooked into an obviously fake Instagram account of her.

Well, it's not even hooked into believing it's her. It's more hooked into, well, it is, I guess, but it's not like someone's believing what I'm saying and going, oh, I want to do what you're doing. They're believing I'm really her whilst being a parody of her and being abusive towards me. Yeah. Me saying sausage...

I've got new sausage rolls that cure lymphoma or whatever. And lymphoma. And them going, that's not true. It's like, no fucking shit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm... I'm copying a lot of that at the moment.

So what's the grand... What's the ultimate aim here? Other than, you know, a big part of it is we want to smoke her out. We want this to sort of lead to us being able to get in touch with her direct. But yeah, is there any other goals for the account or is that just it? I would love to be quoted in an article from saying, Belle Gibson, Daily Mail article. Oh, Daily Mail would be great.

The latest news on her something, something. Oh, and she's on Instagram. Here's what she's saying on Instagram at the moment. I'd love to be quoted on Daily Mail. The camera doesn't seem to work on her phone because she's only ever posting pictures of herself from the first page of Google Images from like five

years ago. Well, to be fair, I mean, that's where the Daily Mail find their pictures, so I don't think they'd probably get that weirded out. Cut from the same cloth. Yeah. So we'll see. I'll do my best. I'll try and think of something that can enrage the people a bit more

and get a bit more of that happening. I do think there's definitely more scale to go a bit more anti-vax, I think, and get a bit of those people attracted. I mean, that's what the real Belle Gibson should be doing. She should be getting out there as an anti-vaxxer at this point, surely. That's the next incarnation. vaxxer at this point surely that's that's the next incarnation uh yeah i mean not so much full anti-vax but more like she has she's found her own thing that is as good if not better than the vax right you know what i mean like not not like she's going like don't get it but i mean essentially

that would be what she was saying like a more like a parallel thought to that which is hey if you're scared of the needle you don't need to get it because i've you know make this fucking smoothie and then that's gonna that's as effective one of those ones one of those and the anti-vaxxer you have when you're not an anti-vaxxer where they go hey i'm not an anti-vaxxer but i'm just anti the vax and i want to take something else instead do this instead of. Yeah, like when Trump was telling people to drink bleach, like that kind of, you know, he was never saying like, don't get vaccinated. He was like saying, just do this because it's easier and better. Not a lot of people like to be called what they are.

That's the thing. They don't like being called anti-vaxxers. Like pedophiles don't like being called pedophiles. They're just like, you know, I've got a thing for much, much much much much much younger people um they do like to dress it up a little bit so um yeah they're not they're not if whenever i see someone actually call themselves an anti-vaxxer i'm like whoa watch out this person is fucking right into it well my favorite one is like the people that are like have the march where they're like we're're anti-lockdown. And it's like, yeah, everyone's anti-lockdown. Like, no one's loving it.

It's like, we're just, yeah, we're just, I'm not pro-lockdown. I'm not like, this is fucking awesome. I'm just doing it because it's what you got to do. Yeah, and also we noticed that you're anti-lockdown by the fact you're outside right now. You didn't need to fucking tell us. All right. Should we get going with, of course, the Patreon?

If you head to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club, you can get two bonus episodes of the show every week. Special guests always dropping in on them. Little mini episodes where we have a lot of fun. They're a bit looser than the main eps. Yeah, we've been tending to get a little bit loose-lipped recently behind the paywall. But there's a huge catalogue of them there now.

There's like 160 of them. So if you're bored in lockdown, you want extra stuff to listen to. If you've got a favourite friend of the show, they've probably been on there at some stage in the last year and a half that we've been doing them. So check them out. But also, as part of your subscription, you go into the draw to get thanked in this little segment right now.

And also, it might attract you to get in there if you're a big old dobber because we've had a few of them recently. So we had another one the other day. Did we? Yeah, yeah. Someone dobbing us into someone that we talked about on the show. So, yeah. Do I know about this someone that we talked about on the show. So, yeah. Do I know about this?

Did we talk about this yet offline? I don't think we did. I don't think we did. Yeah. Fuck it now. So we got dobbed in on Twitter the other day by a little bitch. Oh, no, I know that one. I sent you that one, I think.

Oh, okay then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, no, I did see that one. Dobbers Delight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, no, I did see that one. Dobbers Delight. Yeah. David Dobbins. Yeah. Real slice of heavenly bit of Dobbin.

Slice of hell for us. Yeah. All right, let's crack into it. Thank you to everyone who subscribes, but particularly, let's make a real specific thank you to these, however many people we do today. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, first cab off the rank, Matt Jewell.

Oh, the jewel and the crown. That's it. J-E-W-E-L-L, the way to do it. So, yeah, I was going to ask, is it like the precious stone or the vape brand? Oh, I don't even know what that is. Yeah, there's a brand of vape called a Juul. I think that's J-U-U-L.

Oh, no. Cool either way. Someone's been reading fucking Saffron's book from last week. Are you ever been a v Are you Got it right here Got it right here Oh Have you I

You know what I have In my to-do list I do I try and do every day My to-do list I have Read 50 pages of a book every day

So I devoted 50 pages to To old Saffro Oh nice So 50 in. But have you ever been in any form of a vapor? No, I've tried it like once and it made me quite sick because I don't smoke.

I've never smoked. So all of that stuff I just find pretty unenjoyable. But there was a point where a lot of my friends were doing it because a friend of ours went to New York for their honeymoon. And this was like, I don't think you could get vapes here yet, but they were like pretty rife in the States. So she bought like heaps of them and came back with them for all of our friends.

So there was like a red hot, this was like, there was like a month window where all my friends were super into vaping right before like teens started dying of it in the States. And then like that exact model that they all had became like illegal over there. So there was like, there was this beautiful, like carefree month where all of my friends were just vaping up a storm because they were like, Haggard's this, it's better for you than smoking. Oh, this is really, really good. And then, and then all of a sudden it was like, oh, is illegal now so i guess we'd better i guess we'd better stop and

now they all kind of gave it up but i i tried it once in that um in that uh in that glorious month and yeah i had a fucking coughing fit like a real cliche taking a big old puff and then hacking up a lung so no not for me what about you no no not at all i mean you know i'm like you i'm a non-smoker i have never you know smoke regularly because of that i don't know if you've copped the same thing as me but because you don't smoke you tend to get zeroed in at parties or when you're out or whatever i used to have people, like mates, go, oh, you don't smoke. I've never seen you smoke.

Have a smoke. And then you'd go, okay, and then I'd have a smoke. And then they'd be like, check it out. Fucking Joe's having a smoke. Come over and have a look at this. Have a look at this. He's having a smoke. But because you're out, pissed and whatever,

it would end up being the same people that would just forget that they've seen your smoke at another time and it's like check out this guy i wasn't doing anything fucking crazy like i wasn't smoking it extra well or extra bad i'm sitting there fucking letting some fucking leaves burn in my mouth yeah going oh yeah and them going are you enjoying that and me going not really yeah i'm really just doing it for you it's it's just i you know just This is a very easy point to make But it's just so funny to me that anyone gets hooked on it Because the amount that you Like it's everyone the first time they have it

It's awful The amount that you have to do it to get to the point where You're enjoying You really have to force yourself through it For so long To get to a point where it's taken hold And you don't find it utterly disgusting anymore. But no, I've never really had that experience.

I think maybe this might be a slight age gap thing where I think in those 10 years, the tide's kind of turned by the time I'm like early 20s. Like, yeah, not, I mean, I had friends, still have friends who smoked but like not probably not to the same extent that it would have been when you were like 20 right like and for sure yeah it's it's hard to imagine even like now it's hard to imagine like a group of 20 year old friends with like you know people in the mix that are just fucking mad for the smokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could almost believe it a little bit more now because it's like no one smokes. It's like, you know what? I'm going to be the one guy that smokes. That'll be cool. It is weird. Yeah, there's a couple of people in my group of friends who smoke and it's a bit weird, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, there are comics that smoke, aren't there? Who are the comics that smoke That we know I'm just trying to think Does Lomas smoke Or did he give it up

I'm pretty sure he's given it up I know Harley smokes Oh yeah he smokes I can't think of who else I'm trying to think of who When we're at gigs Who goes out for a smoke There's not many Yeah I can't think of who else. I'm trying to think of who, when we're at gigs, who goes out for a smoke.

There's not many. Yeah. Harley. Blakey looks like he should smoke, but he doesn't. He probably would. He probably smokes when he's pissed though, right? Maybe. I guess the other thing is, fuck, how much a pack is a smoke these days?

Like 40 bucks or something? No wonder we don't, you know, our mates that do open mic comedy don't smoke because they can't, you know, they need to do about 10 gigs to afford a pack. So. Yeah.

I mean, maybe, and maybe this is just like, you know, lockdown brain fog talking, but it's like, it's genuinely hard for me to remember at this point, like,

you know, saying like, oh yeah, when was the last time I was at a pub? Like, who was out in the beer garden with me having a cigarette it's like my brain can't even conjure up images of that at the moment of just like yeah being at a being at a venue but um but yeah we we've gotten wildly off track because this man isn't named after a vape. He's named after a, yeah, a precious stone. Matthew Jewell hanging out there in fucking Aladdin's cave, just having a great old time. Yeah, just being, just nestling in the belly button of a belly dancer.

Yes. Just making her look even more exotic than what she already is. Yep. Yeah, fuck, we are wasting the surname Jewel quite a lot by talking about something, talking about a vape. Getting onto a vape, then turning it into cigarettes. Surely, what's he copped at school? Jewel.

Just Jewel, Jewel and Isle. Jewel. The family jewels. That's good, of course. Yep. Yes. At high school, once people learned that phrase it must have been all over for for me as soon as you get home as soon as you go there must have been people

begging can we stay over tonight what for oh just because we feel like it okay walk in the door well here they are, the family jewels. Awesome if he's got like a real aggro dad who's like just, then he's like, what the fuck did you say to me? Just beats the shit out of Matthew's friend right in front of him. Yeah. He's heard it his whole life. He's sick of it.

What the fuck did you say? Well, to be fair, dad, you have got your dachshund in your ankles. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah, my dick and balls are hanging out. So, okay, I'll cop this one. The family jewels are only um they're only male genitalia aren't they it's only like dick and balls that's a good point it's is it is it is it mixed gender can it refer to a can it refer to a beautiful pussy as well or is it that's an that's an excellent that's an excellent point like that

is weird that is that is very weird that that it that, that it's only men and not women, because it's not like either of the balls or the dick particularly resemble any form of ruby or sapphire or anything half-decent. Well, that looks more like a – how good is this? There's a – the first thing that comes up when you Google family jewels, there's a... Dick? There's a jewellery shop called The Family Jewels. Yeah, great.

That's pretty funny. Yeah. What is... Yeah, it's only male genitals. Now, that would be a great thing if you sold... You could sell the family jewels, and it is literally a dildo made of diamond that you could just stick up yourself.

Yeah. There's a roof gap in the market for a 12-inch diamond that you can stick up your ass. Yeah, it's just the testicles. Oh, it's not even counting the dick? No. Wow. It's just the nads.

Okay, well, I guess that makes sense. But, because, yeah, a dick doesn't really look like too much of a jewel in any way. Not that balls do. Not that balls do. Yeah. Yeah. But, of course, Matthew's all across this. He's listening.

He's like yeah guys I fucking know I get it I've lived with this for my entire life I know that it's on the testicle what if you just proposed to someone with a real testicle shaped stone on a ring

there you go just like it's hey it's the most precious jewel I could think of you know I would it's the most precious jewel I could think of. Yep. You know? I would, it's the most precious jewel I've got. Mm-hmm. And it's just a sweaty old ball sack that you have to wear on your finger. It's like all hairy and wrinkly. Yep.

All right. Well, thanks, Matthew. And she jumps in the ocean and comes out and it's significantly smaller. Yes, there we go. She gets out. There we go. Yeah. Thanks, Manny.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Michelle Lucas. Okay. All right. Bit thrown. Bit thrown. Bit thrown. Bit thrown. I mean, yeah, the Lucas family.

Where do you go? You go George Lucas, Star Wars, or you go Matthew Lucas, Little Britain. Oh, yeah. Oh, Matthew, you're being very formal with him. Yeah, well, I mean, I don't know him. Right. Okay. Is that what you do with all people you don't know?

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I'm not going to call Matt's like a nickname. I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm tight with the little Britain boys. So when you were talking about the famous sexophonist, do you call him Kenneth G? Yeah. Right. Okay.

Well, no, I'd have to check his birth certificate. I mean, he might have Kenny on his birth certificate. Right. Okay. Okay. And he might have Kenny on his birth certificate. Right. Okay.

And Achy Breaky Heart by William Lee Cyrus. Sure. Ray Cyrus. William Ray Cyrus. Just go formal with everyone. Sure. Yeah, that's a great. If you're a DJ, if you're a radio DJ, that would be a great hook.

Only full names, formal full names on the air when you're announcing all the songs. Until they come in the studio and do an interview. Until you know them. Yes. You'll be like, this is how my mum raised me. Yeah, that's right. Kenneth G, if you want to come into the studio, you can be Kenny G after that. But until then, I don't know you from Adam.

So you're staying Kenneth G. Yeah, and what's great about that is if you're, then if you're listening, you know, you probably don't listen to someone's radio show like all the time. Of course, you miss episodes from time to time, but you're in the car, you're listening and, you know, I'm DJing and I'm like, okay, here it is. You know, this one's coming up by Billy Joel. And you're listening, you're like, oh, wow, Billy Joel must have been on the show. You know what I mean? You didn't hear the interview.

It's like, wow, good for him. He had Billy Joel on the show at one point. That's cool. Yeah. Because last week, this time last week, it was William Joel. Yeah. So something's happened. He's been in there.

Fuck, how did I miss that? It happened in the last week. Yeah. Why didn't he promote that it was happening? Yeah. He's been in there. Fuck, how did I miss that? It happened in the last week. Why didn't he promote that it was happening? Yeah, and I like the idea that you really want to hear the interview when it happens because the whole time it's like he's going, so Billy, I mean, who did start the fire then? If you didn't start the fire, who did start it? And he's answering and then you're like um so that you're you're the piano man

how did how did that how did that happen when did you were you a piano boy to start with yeah when did you become a piano man did you fuck someone on top of the piano and then you're like wow i'm a real piano man now and by the end of the interview you feel like you've gotten to know him and then you're just waiting for that that that bit right at the end where he stops saying, and what about this, William? So by the end he goes, well, thanks very much for coming in, Billy Joel. And you go, wow, they're friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard the bit when they became friends.

Oh, I like better these interviews, and the artist doesn't know this, but they come in. These interviews aren't even being recorded to go to air. They're just conversations that I'm having so that I feel more, so that I feel comfortable using the slang version of their name when I'm back announcing their songs. So it's just me going like, Billy Joel Folksy was in here last week. God, we had a good chat.

Wish you could have heard it, but it was just for me. It was just for me to be able to do my job a little bit more effectively. So in this world, you're the DJ imagining that the listeners will be annoyed at you unless you meet the person first. No, it's just how I was raised. So I'm incapable of doing it. You're now doing it for your mum who's listening to the show. I'm doing it for my mum.

Well, it's not even that I assume she's listening. It's just it was so drilled into me that I can't – I'm powerless against it. I like that better. I like the idea that you're the DJ thinking your mum's listening to every second you're on air. Right. So you're making up these relationships with saying, you're saying Elton John and it's like,

and your mum's ringing up going, wow, you met Reginald Dwight, did you? Because why would you call him such a weird slang otherwise? That's right, mum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came into 3BO here at Bendigo radio station. He came in, we hung out. Yeah, and embarrassingly –

We went to the big bendy water park and we went down the slides together and we were quite good friends by the end of it, and that's why I called him Elton on air. Yeah, mum's always calling, and embarrassingly enough, I just always end up putting her to air because I don't know that it's her when she calls through. So listeners are just hearing me being berated on the air every day. Like, fuck, I thought this was someone calling up for the secret sound.

Now I'm getting dressed down by my mum live on the air. Fucking brutal. Yeah, for daring to call her Madonna instead of Louise. What was this person's name again? Oh, Michelle Lucas. How did we get there? Oh, yeah, right. Lucas.

The Lucas surname. Yeah. George Lucas and then it turned into Matt Lucas. Oh, that's right. Matthew Lucas. Okay, there we go. There we go. Of Little Britain.

Fuck, we're off the rails today. Yeah, Michelle Lucas. Fine. Yeah, look good, sturdy. Yeah, Michelle Lucas. Fine. Yeah, look good, sturdy. I think Michelle is in the top 30% percentile of female names,

in my humble opinion. Definitely. Michelle is. Yeah, Michelle. Definitely. Yeah, it's a good one. Solid. Yep.

Yeah. You go with that? Yep. Top 30? Top 20? Well, yeah, I mean Where do you It's certainly You know

It's As with all these things It was like There was one of the most Attractive girls at my school Oh there we go So it's just There we go

You're always gonna have a That's That's gonna dictate How you feel about a name For the rest of your life That's it And what was What did Michelle look like?

Tommy? What was her what was her deal? Blonde. Yeah, you know, this is... There we go. I don't want to think about this too much. Got my motor running already. Well, this is primary school, so I don't want to think about this too much.

Well, you know, your memory is not of them now looking back. It's when you're the same age. It's fine. Back then I thought she was a dog, but I've come around to it in thinking about it. Do you think that when you were a six-year-old, you're ashamed of your pedophilia past because you were attracted to a six-year-old when you were six?

Is that what's happening here? Yeah, so when I was eight, I didn't want to find anyone attractive because i was like one day this will be dodgy so it's probably better for me to just be completely asexual until the age of 18 and then i'll start to be turned on by people that's that's a good character that's a good funny character that's good the the little kid who's petrified of being a pedophile so refuses to be attracted to anyone under the age of 18. Yeah. Even though you're six.

Yeah, I quite like that. I really quite like that. Just like going in for school like PE and closing his own eyes. Yes. Not looking at anyone. Yeah, because I don't want to create a memory that I might think back on when I'm 20 and be aroused by and then I'll be in deep

trouble. I don't even want to look at my own dick until I'm 18. Yeah. Because Yeah, this is good stuff. This is good stuff I reckon. Well, thanks Michelle for creating another surefire hit that'll be surely on primetime, 8.30 on Channel 10, on a Tuesday night coming up in the next decade or two.

Yeah, people seeing the ads are being like, oh, I wonder what future pedo gets up to this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The new Con the Fruiterer, they say. All right, thanks, Michelle Lucas. new Con the Fruitera, they say. All right. Thanks, Michelle Lucas. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. I think this is how you pronounce it.

Thank you to Patreon subscriber Seamus Duffy. Okay. Now, it's Seamus. That's how you pronounce it, isn't it? S-E-A-M-U-S. I believe so. That's Seamus, isn't it? Yeah, I believe so.

Yeah. Okay, great, great. Great. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to offend Seamus's culture. That's all. What about Duffy? Any questions about that? You're pretty certain you're getting that one spot on?

Yeah, I'll back myself there. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. D-U-F-F-Y. What way do you think it could be pronounced doofy doofy oh yeah okay well put it this way Seamus isn't pronounced how you would

think just from if you'd never heard that name before and you just saw that written down I don't think you would automatically go to Seamus. So, who knows? Maybe his whole name, you know, maybe anyone else with that name, you'd go Duffy, but he's like, you know what? I want my name to be consistent. So, I want the surname to be as confusing to pronounce

as the first name. Maybe he's like, yeah, he wants to be the most Irish person of all time. So, they've, you know, a lot of their surnames make no sense in terms of reading them and turning them into out loud. So, yeah, he just wants to turn the surnames, the seemingly obvious ones, into fully Irish versions. So, yeah, Doofy, Doofy.

Seamus Doofy. Seamus. Oh, but he converted his first name back to like literally what it is. Yeah, yeah, because he's like, he wants it to be as complicated as possible. So he's like, you know what? Fuck this. I'm going to throw a spanner in the works. Seamus Doofy.

Yeah. Seamus. He would have copped that a lot at school. Seamus. Yeah. Because there's no, yeah, I mean, we're sort of half confused talking about it now. Imagine that in grade one. Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. But when people can't spell Apple properly and it's like, this is my friend Seamus, spelled S-E-A-M-U-S. Oh, okay. Great. Well, when you're at the age that you can't spell Apple properly, you're not introducing someone by name and then the spelling of the name. Yeah, well, you're looking – put it this way.

You're looking at the pictures that you're drawing in the class and then you're seeing on the top right-hand corner who draws them and you're like, who the fuck drew a house with a chimney with Seamus? Like, who the fuck's this? Yeah. It would have been a fucking pain in the ass. Hell of a name, though. Hell of a name.

Did you have... You would have had more than one Tommy in your class, surely, at school. You would have been like Tommy A when you wrote your name on pictures and stuff. Yeah. Not that I can remember any of them. But yeah, there would have been more than one time. That was the... I remember like Carl being, you know, a reasonably unique name,

especially with a K. And then you think I'm in fucking Maryborough. Population, 8,000 people. Yep. And I copped a car with a K in and then you think, I'm in fucking Maribor, population 8,000 people. Yep. And I copped a car with a K in the same class as me. Oh, damn. So it was like I had to be Carl C. It's like, are you fucking kidding?

Yeah, it was devastating. Anytime you see people having to – it's like – well, yeah, you would have had this experience even less, not being a coffee drinker and also having quite a unique name. But if you go to a busy enough cafe and you give a takeaway order and they'll go, name for the order, and I'll go, Tom, and they'll go, it's actually already another Tom waiting for their sandwich. Yeah.

It's like, you're fucking kidding me. So what happens then when you have to be a the second time in a coffee place then they're like can you give us the just what and your initial and it's like all right so then you're sitting there you're waiting you know and you're waiting for a while because it's busy and then finally you hear your name the pleasure receptors start going off because you're like here we go it's time to eat and then you're hearing like, Tom B. You're like, oh, you fucking cunt. You're just watching this guy. And you're like, he had the audacity to get here before me as well.

Or, well, no. Order something better. Actually, what happens is because he's ordered and he, you know, because he's the first one to get in, he hasn't had to give the initial. You know what I mean? So he gets to be the default Tom. So you hear the name. You're like, yes. And then you're like, oh, no, wait. Hang on. I had to give the initial you know what i mean so he gets to be the default tom so you hear the name you're like yes and then you're like oh no wait hang on i had to give the initial this cunt's

just cruising in like he's the fucking alpha tom like he's the he's the og oh i hate it infuriating yeah yeah so um yeah so then you become you're like i'll be Tommy D. No, there's already a Tommy D. I'll be Tommy A. There's already a Tommy A. Yep. Okay. I'll be Tommy Big Dick. Yep.

Okay. No worries. There's one of them as well. And then I'm like, all right, well, I'm going to go home and kill myself instead of getting lunch. How does that sound? Oh, wow. Wow. Pretty much. Oh, wow.

Wow. Pretty much. Well, I wanted to get a result, and you don't seem to be, you're not giving me any consolation here. You seem to want me to do this, so okay, off I go. Wow. Imagine doing that. What, saying that or actually going through with the act?

Yeah Imagine killing yourself Wow No good I'm glad this didn't come up in the main ep That's a very good point Tommy That's a very good point I hope he's not listening back All the way through to the back end of this as well

Yeah In fact I may have been told deliberately Not to mention anything like that actually I hope he's not listening back all the way through to the back end of this as well. Yeah. In fact, I may have been told deliberately not to mention anything like that, actually, now that I think about it. Yes. It's a very good point. Don't mention the war of you versus you. Yeah, the war on life. Well, thanks, Seamus.

Thanks, Seamus. Thanks, Doofy. Thanks, Seamus Duffy. Thanks, Seamus. Thanks, Doofy. Thanks, Seamus Duffy. Thanks, Seamus Doofy. Duffy. Duffy. What a name. God.

Duffy. Such a cartoon name. It really is. It's such an early morning, it doesn't need to be cartoon, just kids show name. It should be some sort of like, you know, kids tour called Wallington Duffy or fucking something like that. Yeah. I wonder if there is a character called Duffy. Probably not because it's too close to Daffy.

You know, I don't mind Duffy as the last name. I feel like it needs to be like a Paddington Bear, like a lot up front and then the simple name at the back. So like I said, Wallington Duffy. Oh, wait, I did know this. There's a pop singer called Duffy. Oh, yeah, but that's their full name, isn't it? Yeah, Amy and Duffy.

So maybe she's related to our boy Seamus. All right. Well, I just Googled it. There's no such thing as Wallington Duffy so if you're sitting on a great great kid's sort of like a toy you've got everything but the name

there you go. You can have that open source name. You can have that one. Thanks Seamus. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Here we go. I'm not sure how to pronounce this one. Thank you very much to Mike Lown or Mick Lown.

So here's the thing. It's M-I-C. So I would pronounce that. Mike. Yeah, well, you pronounce that in the comedy world. That's the mic. It's short for microphone, isn microphone isn't it yep there's no k in microphone so mike so we calling him mike i guess yeah i mean all you can do is go this is how it's pronounced in another context i use it in so yeah if if it wasn't for me getting into comedy, I would have pronounced this Mick 10 times out of 10.

But now I've seen the word microphone abbreviated to Mike, M-I-C, constantly. I have to officially call him Mike. Yeah. I hope that's okay, Mick or Mike. Yeah. Yeah. And then you've got Lown as a surname, which is like, it's one of those names that's very short, but you feel like you almost need to pronounce every letter of it because you're like, fuck,

how am I getting this right? L-O-W-N-E, Lown. Hang on. Hang on. No, what? We've been punked. No, what? My clown. My clown. Oh, really? My clown. They My Clown. Oh, really? My Clown.

They couldn't have. I mean, I hope this is a real name, so we're just sitting here going, this has to be a prank. Yeah. Well, I hope it's not a prank, and I hope it's more like them going, oh, yeah, I've never really heard that one. My Clown. Yeah.

Thank you to My Clown. I don't quite get it, but... Yeah, I don't get it either. That's the thing. Like, if you're going to bother making one of those trick names, one of those Bart Simpson to Moe Sislak phone calls, make it something on us. Like, make it, you know, your first name Go,

what's your second name? Kill Yourself Cunt. Right. Like, you know, you know, your name, first name Go. What's your second name? Kill Yourself Cunt. Right. Like, you know, it needs to be something a bit closer to that. But My Clown. First name Ian, second name Dia. Yeah. I can't imagine anyone sitting at home going,

I can't believe we made him say My Clown. They said it. Fuck you, boys. I've got you now. I made you say two words that aren't particularly negative or derogatory towards yourself. My clown. Yeah, I don't know.

Are you trying to look him up? I will now. I will now. I will now. My clown. Yeah, I just can't imagine. I've just got a text message as well. So once we get onto this, I do need to address, this has come at a very perfect time because it's a very,

very interesting text message I've just got. Oh, wow. But, hey, that's coming up on Talking Dumb Dumb. Let's just get into it. Now that this tease is out in the air, I couldn't give a fuck whether this is a real person or not. Well, I mean, he's gone deep. If this is a punk on us his facebook name is the same mike loud

mike so he's yeah i don't know if he's constantly trying to punk everyone very clever mate tell me how many of you uh how many of you stuck into the back of the car tonight yeah just a constant prank on everyone imagine that just changing your name to something fucked but like instead of being negative about it like instead of you know these people that grow up with a with an embarrassing name and every time they meet someone they say they're like what's your name and then you you're saying oh my name's you know all of her clothes off and everyone's like all of her clothes off that's your name you fucking idiot yeah gotcha everyone's like, ah, Oliver clothes off. Oliver clothes off. That's your name, you fucking idiot. Yeah, gotcha.

It's like this guy, he's like proud of his name. Like going, my name is my clown. And they go, my clown. Yes, I gotcha. And he's doing it to every single person he ever meets. He thinks he's like the one man jackass constantly every day. He loves meeting new people because he likes roasting these people every time no because he's doing it because he's

like there are people out there that have a really deep fear of clowns so he's he's introducing himself to people as that on the off chance that they have that fear so he's like my name is my clown and they're like yeah yeah terrified they, yeah. He's terrified of idiots. They've got such a deep fear of it that it's not even the visuals. It's just a hidden name. The reference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep.

Wow. Well, thanks, Mike. Yeah, thanks, if that is your real name. And, you know, look, you got us. Well done, mate. Pants around our ankles. Yeah. Absolutely look like a fucking idiot now.

Fair enough. Yeah, Absolutely look like a fucking idiot now. Fair enough. Yeah, I don't know. Like, yeah, look, we're the guys. We'll be in the Daily Mail. Yeah. They'll be chopping up this sound clip going, check out the two fucking podcasters. Absolutely fucked over.

Yeah, exactly. And it'll just be this. We'll be the fucking laughing stock of the industry when we when we go when they when they when we open up when we go down to the you know the podcast watering hole um you know having a having a drink around with them all the you know the true crime yeah uh podcasters and they're all like fuck we thought we dealt with brutal stuff we listened to that clip of you jesus christ yeah we're we're going to – We'll be having to do an episode about you guys when you kill yourselves. Exactly, a 10-part series about how this came to happen. All right, we've got to get into this mystery text message.

Carl's phone bag. Now, look, I've got a text right then. Now, this is interesting in that it's a text message from someone I've never got a text from before. So someone that's been sitting on the phone number for a few years or have recently found it. Now, this is very funny. And this is right up your alley, Tommy Daslow.

So here we go. Hi, Carl. I have a business proposition for you. Love it. To help celebrate your 500th episode. A bit bold, a bit optimistic. As if we need any help celebrating that at this point. Yeah, I'd love to celebrate it,

but I'd also love to celebrate a 14-inch dick, but there's a crucial factor that's missing at the moment. To help celebrate your 500th episode, what about releasing the first official Little Dumb Dumb Club video game? Okay. Now, for starters, I like the idea that the first official one, how many unofficial ones have there been so far? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a big market in Brazil. All the bootleggers are on it. Yeah. Right. Oh, what happens in those games, I wonder? So you have always said that you and Tommy have been wanting to sell out. Nothing says, wow, they have really sold out like a cheap mobile game. Finally, your fans could play through a love letter to the law and history of the little dum

dum club i would split all profits with the two of you 50 50 and the two of you would have veto over the final release no risk to you what do you say sure so this is like a this this guy must be like a game developer or something for phones. Does that sound right? Yeah, he must at least, yeah. Yeah, well, you'd hope so. I like the idea that he's got no connection to that industry whatsoever. He's just, I'll figure it out.

If they're in, then I guess I'll do like an online course or something. No, no, I like the idea of it even better where he's like, what do you think about a video game for a little diamond club and us going, absolutely, and then him going, great, will you get onto it and find someone who can design it? And once you do all that, give us 50% of the profits because I thought of the idea. Yeah, I think I'd kind of prefer, rather than a mobile game,

I'd prefer it to be one of those weird porno games that you get the pop-ups of, like the Try Not To Come challenge. Try Not To Come. A sexy picture of Lois from Family Guy. I think that is more our wheelhouse, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe we can get a version Try To Come.

That would be better. Yeah. Actively making people try to come instead of trying not to. I never really understood that. Why do I want to not come? I can not come all the time. Yeah, exactly. I spend most of my time doing it.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's no trick for me. I mean, this would be. It's one of my biggest skills is not coming. If this goes serious, this would be a fun thing to do. And I mean, it's the sort of thing we could take suggestions from,

you know, because the people listening, they're the ones that are going to be playing it. Like what sorts of things would people like to see included in a little Dumb Dumb Club mobile game? What format should it be? What sorts of things can we have in there if this guy's serious about making this? Yeah, absolutely. Totally a thing we should put on the socials. things can we have in there if this guy's serious about making this yeah absolutely i i yeah totally

a thing we should put on the socials and um talk about on the show uh next week for sure but um yeah look if this this is if this is a guy some sort of developer with time on his hands that that wants to use this as a passion project um doesn't mind sinking hours of time in this sort of bullshit and we don't have to do anything except for say, yes, okay, then fine, we're on board. Yeah, absolutely. I would like it to be, you know, there's like back in the day there were a lot more bad licensed video games out.

Like there was like a Wayne's World Super Nintendo game, for example. So all these things that did not lend themselves to having a video game made of them in any way. And you play the game and it's like, it's nothing to do with the Wayne's World movie. It's like you're running around like dodging bad guys and collecting records and stuff.

It's like nothing that's in the actual film. But something like, you know what? Something would be cool. Like, you know, the opening credits of Home Improvement, how it's like a Super Nintendo game, where they're being chased around by, like, buzz saws and stuff like that? Something of that nature, I think, would be pretty fun. I like the idea that we have our friends, our guests, in the game as well, but it's one of those, like, old school games where we haven't got the rights to their names.

Right. So it's just all these weird versions. It's like, oh, Nick, and then Mick Bapper comes along. And then Tret Cake walks in. Or you would have seen, maybe not played, but you would have definitely seen the Simpsons arcade game, right, where it's like it's got this little opening cinematic where Smithers is like robbing a diamond store

and he bumps into the Simpson family and accidentally ends up running off with Maggie again it's just like all this stuff that is just like taking some real creative license with the Simpsons universe something like yeah something like that where it's like there's just a lot of stuff that bears absolutely no resemblance to anything that happens on this show. It would be pretty great. All right. Well, in that case, what about this concept? The idea is we're making a TV show or have a radio show or we're on the gala.

Yeah, there you go. It's us on the way to the gala. It's us making our way through Melbourne to perform at the gala. Yeah, yeah. A crazy out-of-this-world concept. Yeah. Okay, well, maybe on the show proper we can have a pitch meeting and we can each have some ideas for challenges in levels, boss levels, yeah, that kind of stuff.

Okay, all right. This is going to be good. This is good. We just have to pray that this person actually knows what they're doing in terms of game development

and isn't just shooting wildly from the hip yeah yeah well I'll find out when we finish this and I'll I'll message back

you know what I bet it is I bet it's just like this guy's like housemate has like just started studying it at the start of this year he's like no i reckon i could get him on board like he's learning pretty quickly

yeah he's just started he's like it's his second day yesterday it's like 10 start 20 go to 10 oh yeah i can fucking program this commodore 64 all right let's now let's get a franchise happening i also love this guy's text message how he's like you've always said you want to Program this Commodore 64. All right. Now let's get a franchise app. I also love this guy in the text message how he's like, you've always said you want to sell out and the peak of selling out is to have a mobile app. It's like, what? You've always wanted to sell out and guess what? I want 50% of it.

All right. Sure. No problem. You've always said you want to sell out and make fuck all from it. So here I am to answer your prayers. Yeah. All right. Well, I'll get back to this.

Let's just do – I'm keen to get back to getting to this fish before he jumps off the line. And look, we've talked for long enough on this. We better get going. So let's just do one more. Let's just finish the show. One quick one. Here we go. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber.

Oh, okay. Hmm. Okay. Oh, no, no. Just because of what we're talking about, just sort of. Anyway, look, maybe you'll understand. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Super Mario Comedy. Oh, right.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Comedy. like we were talking about before we've been talking about comedy in the video game off and on for the last hour yeah yeah yeah yeah speaking of comedy speaking his name is comedy all right guys well thanks very much for supporting the show patreon.com slash little dum-dum club if you want to get your hands on those two bonus episodes every week.

Littledumbdumbclub.com for the merch and all that other stuff. Thank you very much for listening and we will see you next time. See you, mates.