The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 572 - Dave Callan & Andrew Wolfe

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

We're feeding off the energy of two people in the same room with DAVE CALLAN and ANDREW WOLFE beaming in from Western Australia! After a delayed start and an argument about the train station, we hear all about Dave's big recent life update: he's back at university studying something VERY unexpected. We hear about his life on campus, his future plans with his new degree, and what inspired him to take up this course. Then it's Wolfey's turn to take the spotlight as we check in on how Karl's money is doing on the stock market and start making plans for how to spend his profits in you-know-where! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Andrew Wolfe and Dave Callan. If you want to support The Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon, you can do so. Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club. You can get two bonus mini episodes every week with special guests and access to the full back catalogue of them. Get on to that. We will talk to you a bit more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode. Andrew Wolfe and Dave Callan.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Joining us today, we have two very special guests beaming in from the same room from Western Australia.

Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Andrew Wolfe and Dave Cowling. This is the first time we've been in a room together, really. Yeah, we've been in rooms together. Yeah, but not privately. Not like a secret room. Yeah, yeah, that's interesting. What's it like?

What's it like to be in a room with another person? Oh, wow. Well, cast your minds back. I'm sure you'll recollect back in the hazy depths of history. I'm not sure. I can't tell because I'm on a lot of anxiety pills and antidepressants, so I don't really feel much. It feels very flat.

Everything feels the same. I'm on enough meds. But you get to that. Yeah, I reckon you should up the dosage. I think I do need more, but you're on meds as well, aren't you? Are you guys all on meds? I've realised almost half of Australia is on SSRIs, so you have to be on them.

Otherwise, it's like rocking up to a party sober. Do you know, everyone's sort of on the drugs. Imagine. Hang on. Is that what you think the vaccine is? The vaccine. Mate, have you guys had the – I've had the vax and I've been sick for days. Yeah.

It's been shocking. We can tell you've been vaccinated, Wolfie. We can tell. Mate, I got vax and a spade. They also, they neutered me. It was a package there. Oh, great. Yeah.

I was like, why are you stitching up my testicles after this? I don't know what's going on. I only came for the vax. And they said, this is for the good of society. Mark McGowan has deemed that this is necessary. Yeah. So it is exciting. Melbourne's still in lockdown. Me and Tommy are in different houses houses obviously in lockdown you guys are in perth we just thought

this would be a nice treat for us to actually see two other people in a room together and not have four different zoom connections so everyone's talking over the top of each other we've lost one little bit of awkwardness yeah this week so that's great cool and and we've introduced one more bit of awkwardness because we had quite a charade getting here i went to a train station and i didn't realize that perth train stations would be that complex you would imagine it would just be one entry exit possibly two and then you grew up there this place is like shibuya in tokyo it was like wolfie was in another suburb i was it like a, it felt like a drug drop. Yeah, it did.

I didn't know. I was like, where are we picking them up? And you didn't even, you said at one point, Scarborough Beach Road, that's not where the train station is. And then I thought it must be at another one. I'm at Glendalough. That would be, yeah, Scarborough Beach train station. But like.

Here's something else that's not that complex. Okay. Getting your driver's license. Oh, wow. What do you something else that's not that complex. Getting your driver's license. What do you think about that? Wow. Wow. Gosh. It felt like a bit of a power move because, yeah, we were here ready to go on the call.

Me and Carl have been waiting for about 15 minutes for you guys to turn up from the train station, and it felt like a power move of you guys going, what better have you got to do? Just sit in the house and wait for us. move of you guys going, what better have you got to do? Just sit in the house and wait for us. We're just going to fucking drive around the city, go for a stroll, live it up over here. Might pop in the pub on the way to the podcast.

We were like, you can't even get mad. We're just both sitting here in the Zoom window, just not really talking because we want to save the energy for the pod. Just going like, I mean, I can't really pretend that this is eating into any big plans for the season. That is amazing. Man, man, man, man, just like, what have, I can't really pretend that this is eating into any big plans for the season. That is amazing. Man, Dastlo just like, what have you been up to? Nothing.

What have you been up to? Nothing to say. Not much. At one point, there was like two minutes of silence, and then Carl goes, what's for dinner after this? Oh, my Lord. Mate, we should have hammed it up. We could have had photos of us getting slurpees down the beach. Oh, yeah. We'll be there in a minute. Mate, we should have Handed up We could have had photos Of us getting slurpees Down the beach Oh yeah

We'll be there in a minute And like entwining arms And having fairy floss On like a ride Oh, on a ferris wheel Dave wanted to pop down To the beach To cool off

For the thing To clear his head I wanted to pop The question On a ferris wheel Yes, I did Mate, but you were doing Power moves to me as well

Because you were like Where were you? You're a scab And then I realised I'm picking you up. What the fuck is going on here? Why am I apologising? I'm a legal part.

Yeah, it's hard to power play the guy with the car and the podcast studio. I'm a dude who lives at Edith Cowan Joondalup at Student Village. Mate, I actually hate you. Hang on. This is huge. Now, let's get into this.

Let's get into this, Dave Callan. Let's do into this, Dave Callan. Okay, so let's do this setup. So, Wolfie, you're a long-time Perth resident. Now, Dave Callan is a recent-ish Perth resident. You've moved back. You did a thing last year that everyone should have done, which was move out of Melbourne and go to Perth, which I'm really genuinely surprised more stand-up comedians didn't do because Perth hasn't sort of been in lockdown much at all.

So everyone's just been – there's only five comedians over there and you're all headlining a gig every night of the week. There's so many gigs going. Five's very generous. There's two or three. There's us and maybe one other one. So, Dave Cullen, that means you whipped over to Perth, you're out there gigging with Wolfie every night.

Now, this is the next thing. Now, there's been a bit of a sea change for you as well, on top of everything else. Now, you've moved from Melbourne, full-time comic over here, you've gone over there to be a full-time comic over there, but you're diversifying over there at the moment as well, aren't you? Just a bit. What else are you doing now?

I'm doing a Bachelor of Science, majoring in counterterrorism surveillance and intelligence. That is – now, for people at home, this is a real thing. This is not a joke. This is what Dave Callen is actually doing. He was dancing around on stage like a ninja for years and now he's gone one step further in terms of sneakiness. What does it lead to?

Is it like the James Bond 007 course? Hopefully it will lead to a job at Scotland Yard. Oh, yes. I got it in first. I did it first so they couldn't. Yes, that's very good. That's the bit that you call where you hang out your washing, isn't it? That's your Scotland Yard, isn't it?

Is that why you guys were 15 minutes late? You were driving around the block workshopping that one? Yeah, basically, yeah. The thing is, I didn't really want to do the course. It was just a very, very expensive setup for this podcast. Yeah, great. It's cost-effective. I had to do essays and shit. It was just a very, very expensive setup for this podcast. Yeah, great. It's cost a fortune. I had to do essays and shit. It was terrible. It's actually worth it though,

Dave. It's paid off big time. Yeah, we're using this for the ad this week so yeah, it's going to be good. Dave now lives on campus though, hey? And I was initially going to mock him but then I realised we were both living with our parents and he's actually upgraded. And it's like, you don't have to sneak out anymore dave i used to have to throw rocks at the window you two losers are living with your parents whereas we're living by ourselves in a house

we can't leave we're the real fucking winners i think carl by the way the reason more comedians didn't do what i did is because uh there's this thing where you can't predict the future nobody knew i didn't know and in fact i came back to parth and i went into lockdown last november well not locked in quarantine you the quarantine you got to do for two weeks in my parents house um they they gave up their bedroom because you need an ensuite and and mum would wheel meals down I took their there's a double bed in the guest room

so they took that and then I was in the room with the en suite their room and mum would wheel down meals three times a day the police come and check twice they don't tell you when

so there'd be like a knock on the window and I'd open the curtain and boys in blue would be there and I'm like hey boys sorry about the dick and you know have a quick chat make sure they realise it was me do a little squash frog and the boys in blue would be there and I'm like, hey boys, sorry about the dick and, you know, have a quick chat.

Make sure they realize it was me. Do a little squash frog for the fellows, just give them a bit of a thrill. But the fact was, during that two weeks, like I left Melbourne at the end of the second lockdown, the 111 day one, you remember it well. You're probably in another one right now in fact but yeah so so basically what would happen is i would sit there uh in the morning and look at the news and just see

social media melbourne's opened up melbourne's getting back to normal people are going out people are enjoying life i'm locked up in perth going i did the wrong fucking thing here this is not a good idea but you don't know what's going to happen like parth might might it would rip through parth i think if it came here so we're lucky that the the leader we have is such uh uh i guess draconian is a strong word but he's he's very very uh intent on keeping those borders shut as long as possible and that's right your premier your premier is not letting... Well, that's the thing that I find weird about you doing this counter-terrorism course.

Mate, I don't think you need it over in Perth. Your Premier's not letting anyone into your state. So there's not going to be any fucking terrorism. Nobody gets in or out. He's sealed the building, just like CSI. Unless someone could make a bomb out of a fucking emu bitter can or something. Like, I don't think you've got too much to worry about over there. I heard McGowan's actually at the airport checking people as they come in on a horse.

He's actually out there. He checks teeth and goes, not for you, mate. Like a bouncer. How many vaccines have you had today, mate? Know that you're going to head back. I'm going to need another one, at least. So, Dave, you're out of the parents' house and now you're living on campus, studying this counter-terrorism. Living on campus like Van McWilder.

Yeah, that's what I said in the Uber. McHogmanay liaison. That's me. I was living with my parents in Armadale and I love them. But eight months living with your parents in your 40s. It's a long time. And Armadale's a long way away. It's about an hour south of Perth. Joondalup's an hour north,

so I'm commuting the first half of the year, two hours there and two hours back, and I was like, I need to do something, so I moved on to campus. Love Life still hasn't come back, obviously, but you're the coolest guy on campus right now. When you say to a woman, hey, come back to my sweet pad

at Joondalup ECU Student Village. They're like, yeah, what have you got, beer pong? Trying to pick up sexy coeds by saying, I was on Rove and they're like, what's that? That show's finished before you were born. And also, I love that you're, I'm sick of living with my parents.

Oh, finally, I've got my own pad Where I actually have to sign in if I bring a guest home Oh my god It's true, they gave us an induction And they said So you can have people stay over I'm like, unlikely And they said, but, but

You've got to make sure That they come over to the office and get signed in And I'm like, that is A Not going to happen I'm not going to convince anyone. Not that I would try and convince someone, but B, B. Imagine if you did somehow, you meet someone and they think, nothing matters, I just want to be with you.

And then they come back and you're like, before we get carried away, can you pop your pants back on and we'll go and get you properly registered at the office with Patricia. Oh, my. Nerd my, mood kill. Mood kill. Yeah, forget the condoms, the true form of contraception happening right there. Get your QR code scanner out. I had a friend in

London, I had a friend whose dad was the head of Department of Foreign Affairs and they lived at the Tower of London. What? In the back, there's sort of politicians or the high up dignitaries sort of in there. So when he picked up, he would say, do you want to come back to mine?

And they're like, where is it? The Tower of London, like the fucking torture chamber. So then he'd bring back a girl and say, do you want to become an honorary beefeater? Yeah, he'd bring back a girl. And they're like, I an honorary beefeater? Yeah, he'd bring back a girl And they're like, I don't think I want to come with you I've just met you an hour ago I'm not coming to the fucking Tower of London

If he didn't use that line That guy's fucking wasted that opportunity That is fucking great Dave, what's the deal? Is there fraternities at this Tundra? I don't know, I don't leave my room I'm afraid I'll be involved in a hazing ritual. I can imagine you.

And I'll just end up outside in the nude with shaving cream over my parts. What's the pad like? What's the Bachelor pad like? Have you got doors, posters up? Have you bought a few bongs for him? You've got an American Pie poster up there. Yeah, I'm making it feel like 1993 again. I've got an American Pie poster up there. Yeah, I'm making it feel like 1993 again. I've got Pearl Jam 10.

I've got Nirvana in utero poster. A bit of Chili Peppers. Reading Kerouac. Yeah, definitely. I'm listening to a lot of S Club 7. That part was true of the last 10 years. What's your main exercise? Panty raids with the

boys but i was like last year at this weird moment where i was in i was in um a nightclub and it was like a goth club i used to go goth clubbing when i started uni and i just come from a gig i was at a goth club with a mate from way back then in in the early 90s and i realized i'm going to uni and i'm living with my parents and nine inch nails was on and i was like holy shit i'm back i've gone back everything's rechecked and i felt beautiful and awful at the same time yeah you're like fuck where's the perth doc brown we've got to get back to the future you gotta take me back so david you are you uh in your classes are there people that you're studying with that like recognize you from comedy like are you having future members of asio come down to check you out at the at the comedy friends at night uh well i i am i i sat down on day one

i got to uni and i sat down i hadn't been to uni before this and i i sat and i got my pencils out and my little notepad and like it was about maybe 40 seconds and i just hear this voice beside me go are you dave callum 40 seconds oh my god wow i was like oh damn it but but they were the only person you have such a recognizable voice the idea of you doing like counter-terrorism where you're like you know talking to someone on the phone trying to like suss out if they're taliban or whatever and then them going oh i loved you on mid Middawns on Triple J. Say trousers. I actually did an interview on Nova 92.9 over here, and then I didn't know how much I could say, but I just sort of talked about the ridiculous aspects.

And then the next week at uni, one of the lecturers came up and went, oh, I heard your interview on the radio. And I'm like, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm trying to remember what I said. And I was like, oh, I probably failed the unit now for talking about it. Ha, ha. And she was like, no, it was very good with a very straight face. And I walked away and I'm like, did she think it was very good? Do they like me talking about it?

And then she comes up. Yeah, I was going to say say if you're doing any form of spycraft or whatever I would have thought number one rule is don't go on commercial radio and fucking talk about it oh yeah

what have you done Dave you can never work in the industry because you just said you're on the podcast and then Perth Now Perth Now did a story about it the next day they were like oh comedian return to home

Dave Callen doing counter-terrorism living with his parents in Armidale. The part I didn't want mentioned was the Armidale parents part. Oh, that was embarrassing. That's the part I was trying to keep secret at all costs. I reckon if you're into spying and all this counter-terrorism, you don't want to be on commercial radio. It's never like, you never listen to a breakfast show

that's like Sally Wobbsian, we can't tell you who. Yeah, Sally Wobbsian, we can't tell you who. Yeah. Sally Wobbsian redacted in the morning. Redacted in the morning. That sounds a bit erotic, doesn't it? That's so good. Oh, my God. What's the secret sound?

Now, we know it's a beheading video, but specifically one. That's what we're looking for. We do have a secret sound, but the thing is we can never tell you what the sound is. Right, right. We'll take it to the grave with us. You can torture us as much as you want.

We are never telling you that it's the sound of a dunny flushing. And listen to Friday to hear the officially declassified sound. It has been secret up until now It's going to be released So what's the protocol with this qualification though? Because you've now told people you've got her So in three years do you just go Oh nah, I just dropped out

I'm not that interested in it anymore We saw you go in the city Doing the interview and you're like nah It's not working out I've just disappeared But that's just the cover for the fact that I've gone Deep undercover city doing the interview and you're like nah it's not working out i've just disappeared yeah but like that's just the cover for the fact that i've gone deep undercover yeah which i can never do because they'll just google my name and it'll be it'll come up oh i did an interview with

such and such and such and such on this radio station and then perth now did a story about it the next day i didn't mind the radio it's just it's there and it's gone, but the newspaper, the Perth newspaper doing a story about it, that's online, that's there forever. So people can Google me if I do end up working in the industry. Google me and go, aha, this guy's a fucking spy. Yeah, because they can spot that guy followed me on the train, you know, in a suit, Secret Service. You're going to be wearing a trench coat at the front of Parliament House

one day and someone's going to come up and you're going to be like checking them out and they're going to go callan i know you're on the case i heard you're on free ofm fuck off yeah yeah exactly but it's such a great decoy now because if you drop out and then you never get a job again you can just say no i work with asio now do you know what i mean did you actually on the doll it explains all the holes in my resume and you know it's your's your secret services. You can tell your new partner, your new partner, no, it's all secret services now. I'm like,

I'm pretty sure you're not working because you're still at your parents. Secret service. It's a big job. I redacted all the TV shows I've been on. So what would be the natural job out of that?

Is it actually secret service? Look, I have to say that it's a great course. I don't have to say it. I would like to, but maybe I have to because they're listening. But I would like to say that it's a great course, really, really high level, but it's also very dry in the first year so that you end up, what that means is you end up doing things like risk assessments

and learning all about the different types of fire alarm. It's like you're sitting there, you're really, really, when do we get to flashbangs? I want to learn how to use a flashbang. Mate, do you do like fire escape sort of plans? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Because you need some work on that, exiting that train station. Holy shit, yeah. Also, if you're trying to prevent some sort of terrorism attack,

probably don't try and scab a lift on the way there. You'll probably have your own transport. Where were you, Dave? And I go, I got the bus. I got out at the wrong exit. I'm sorry. It's been blown up. How come the MCG got blown up?

Oh, because Wolfie was late with the ride. Oh, okay. Fair enough. Yeah. My pickup car was at the wrong station. What I'd like to know, Dave, if you can check in with me if this ever comes up because I've got a mate who does this kind of stuff for a job and he can't be specific about anything that he does in his job.

He used to live in Canberra. He would go in, leave the phone in a locker on the way in. He couldn't even talk to it with his wife, like no particulars about what he does. And we would go to a music festival with him every year and he would get legless. Like by the, you know, we're all having a good time. He'd, you know, I'd have a few drinks and all the rest of us would be like, this is it.

This is the moment where we can find out what he's doing in there. And we'd be like, so, you know, tell us a bit about the day-to-day job. And he'd just like, you know, be like pretty on one, just like, nice try, fellas. Yeah, wow. When do they teach you that? When do they just like put you in the chamber and just like ply you with alcohol

and then ask you about the job and see if you can keep it mum for the entire time? Oh, that'd be great fun training. I can't wait for that unit. Yeah, that'd be great. Here's how to keep shtum even while wasted on different substances. Here's pingas week one. Now alcohol.

Wolfie could probably join the course on that part of it. Well, as Tommy always says, I've been practising for that for years, hey, with this structure. Ask me on Epstein-Ile, and I won't tell you. Every weekend I've been preparing. The first time I met Wolfie was maybe about three or four years ago at Brendan Maloney's house in Eastport. Oh, this was a rough night.

This was a rough night. Narrow it down, Wolfie. So you were being very mischievous that night. I don't know what you were on But maybe there was some alcohol at least Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's more I was sitting on the step Having a very serious conversation with Brendan And then all of a sudden I just feel like

Intense pain on a small surface area of my scalp And I turn around This guy's yanking my ringlets He's just like going yank, yank, yank I thought it was Santa Claus I had to check if it was the real deal. Santa has a red suit, mate, and presents. I'm like, Santa's here.

I do remember because we went back to Brendan's and I was obsessed with your beard. Trying to stroke it. Oh, yeah, you were doing that too. It wasn't good, really. But didn't I reveal any of my secrets? I kept them all down low. Yeah, you didn't blab about nothing.

You didn't tell everyone I was Scottish like these arseholes. Mate. Yes. Well, can I ask one more question? We can't talk about ASIO and your course for the whole hour, but the idea of you getting into this course, how did that come up? How did you actually – what happened to make you want to enroll in this course?

So I'm doing Perth Fringe World at the end of January, and I'm at the back of the venue. There's a smoking area, and I'm in the smoking area, and this girl comes up and goes, oh, heard your joke about Edith Cowan, because I have this joke because Edith Cowan was only three years old when I first went there. It was a new uni and it kind of had a reputation for being not that great, but it's great now.

But at the time, it was kind of the joke uni. Would you say that's changed quite a bit? I think it's still the joke uni, to be honest. I didn't say that. Look at you, Dave Cowan, the Dave O'Neill of Perth, getting up there and living into the unities. I'm not joking. You're at Edith Cow, are you?

Yes. Yeah, I did it on purpose. Oh, you're sneaky. It's come up in reputation. Yeah, also getting Andrew Wolfe to judge universities. Yeah, I don't think we can. Sorry, Dave, it was he meant to say, and you're going, it's obviously come leaps and bounds,

and I'm like, nah, it's still a TA say and you're going, it's obviously come leaps and bounds and I'm like, nah, it's still a taste. It sucks. You're fucking wasting your money. It's actually quite good now. It's got a good reputation. I had a joke where I went, I wanted a degree

that would open doors because that was the advertising back then. This degree will open doors and I'm like, yeah, it opened the front doors at Centrelink morally. You know, stuff like really,

but really kind of not self-deprecating. It was uni-deprecating, but self-deprecating was built into it. No gear on the pod, but first warning. But anyway, keep going. This is a joke I did. I'm not doing it to be funny. I'm not like say, anyway.

You're quoting yourself. Sorry. It opens doors with the doorman job I could do Sorry I was trying to crowbar in a crap joke Tag it in Didn't work So anyway

I was at the back and I was having a duck sandwich Oh very nice I said no gear on the pod What if it's someone else's gear I'll allow it So this girl comes up and goes oh i heard you read this kind of joke and i'm like oh and she goes yeah yeah i go there and i'm like oh okay what are you studying she goes counterterrorism i'm like whoa whoa what and she goes counterterrorism

i'm like well but they do that at edith khan joondalup and she's like yeah yeah in fact uh it's the the best of its kind in the world and it's the first of its kind in the world um i think there's others now but it was the first and it's the best and it's there and i'm like i can't believe that happens and i said uh are they um are they still taking admissions and she goes yeah well a week's gone by but uh they are taking them up until the end of week three i I think. All these students are so vocal with their course, you know? Yeah, the counterterrorism students. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They know nothing. They've got to keep it a secret. It's a flipping great thing to say at a party. It's an icebreaker. You can't make... These loose lips. I know. Can't resist.

I think once they stop talking about it, that's when you're obviously halfway through second year. Something will happen, and it's like, yeah, don't talk about this. But for now, once you start learning how to assassinate, I think. But for now, it's all risk assessments. It's pretty dry. Anyway, so I said, I thought, I'll apply for this because I don't know if Perth's going to get locked down. At least I can keep studying online.

I don't have much to do during the day. I want to get out of the house because my parents live there so i'm gonna i'm gonna study again i'm gonna go back oddly to my first ever university i was at edith calen junal up in 1993 year of our lord and um wow and so i applied that night the night i met that girl i applied at like midnight and then i woke up at like 8 o'clock. Did you, Callan, can I ask this? Did you apply with a hard-on? Did you have a hard-on while you were applying?

Why is that relevant? You met a girl and immediately went home and applied to her university to be in the same class as her. That does sound a little bit weird. See you at school on Monday. Can't wait. Now that you mention it. Did she have to register at the office of your parents' house that night?

Yeah, go register with Kath Callum and we'll get you scanned in the QR. Have you seen her at the course? Yes. Yes, I have. Oh, that's awesome. That's so funny. It's if you're like, will you go out on a date with me? No.

Well, how about you just see me Every day from 9 until 5 o'clock Oh my god You put it that way It's super sinister I just like the idea of The course I did

You ask her out now That you're in class You're like Will you go out with me? She's like no And you're like Hey I found one She's a terrorist

So We've got a live one here It's an inside job this this really does reek of like if this if this was like the dave callan spy movie where it's like you know we see you at uni and then we cut ahead and it's like this whole big mission that you're on and then we see like the the enemy and the big twist at the end of the film is we go back in time and it's like this woman has like gone and gone and gotten you to sign up for this counter-terrorism course. Wow.

Just to sort of, because she thinks you'll be bad at it. You know, just to have you in the mix. She feels like a plant. She feels like an opium. Is she like a Manchurian candidate? Is that what's going on? Yeah, yeah. A bit of that.

A bit of that kind of thing. Like a honey trap type deal. Just lured you in. Trod your horse going on? Yeah, yeah. A bit of that. A bit of that kind of thing. Like a honey trap type deal. Just lured you in. Trojan horse get you in. And then she eventually dates you and manipulates what you do. Yeah. And now look at me. I'm Inspector Clouseau. One more question.

With your counter-terrorism course, at the end of the year, do you have to go across the other side of the campus and take on all the students that are taking just the normal terrorism course and fight it out to see who passes? I sincerely hope so. Like a big rumble, like West Side Story. Yeah.

I know all the clicking and the dancing from all my Scottish dancers, so I'll be able to do it really well. No, that's – yeah, if your course wins, then you get to graduate. So this year, counter-terrorism, we beat them. We're getting the degrees. Everyone's studying terrorism. You've got to be here for another year and better luck.

Yeah. I love it that it's like a yearly thing, so then, like, you start your course this year and it's like, right, guys, I know you guys are new, so I'll just explain. We take them on every year, and we need revenge. We lost last year. That's why three-quarters of the university has been destroyed, because the terrorism students did win.

You'll notice all the smoking embers over there. We've got to get them back this year. We can't afford to lose the one building we've got left. It's the last chance. Yeah, the police academy's gone. It's just last chance. Yeah, the Police Academy's gone. It's just shelled. Oh, the Police Academy's next door, by the way. Oh.

Yeah. The WA Police Academy is on campus. Wolfie, Wolfie, why don't you become a neighbour of Callum? Why don't you sign up for that? Mate, I'll sign up. I'm just going to see what sort of girls are in the course. I don't think Wolfie had even passed the test to get into the Police Academy

stunt show, to be honest. I've had enough interactions with the police in my life, you know, to go and act like that. But to be honest, I actually see some of the comedians, because we don't have many in Perth, they work on the Police Academy and do the simulations.

Have you seen it? No. Yeah, Nadia Collins does it. So I've seen video clips where they'll show footage of a junkie and I'm like, hang on, that's a Perth comedian playing the junkie. Really? Give me the money. Give me the fucking money. And they're practicing.

I'm like, everyone that comes on, I'm like, dude, I've kicked with that guy. Method. Method number three. He's the guy that screeches down in Fremantle. How did somebody get method number three over you? Mate, well, I'm the head boss. That's brutal. That's brutal because over here in Melbourne,

we're watching all you guys in Perth. Not only are you getting all the stand-up gigs, you're getting the police training video gigs as well. We've got fucking nothing going on over here. It's hard to do a police training video over Skype. Just very quickly, I just want to very quickly point this out because you were saying before there's five comedians in Perth currently, and is this correct?

Of those five comedians in Perth currently, two of them are called Dave Callen. I just wanted to point that out because that, Jesus. That is a ratio that is worth bringing up. Almost 50% of the working comedians in Perth have the same name. It's true. It's true. All right. There's another Dave Callen here.

There's another Dave Hughes coming up as well. He's just started. A guy called Dave Hughes. John Pinder. John Pinder. John Pinder was one of the driving forces behind creating the comedy festival

in Melbourne the Melbourne Comedy Festival John Pinder RIP God rest his soul there's another John Pinder here but

my favourite's the young Carl Chandler that's just started out isn't he oh yeah nice nice good

I hope he I hope he makes a go of using that name because that hasn't fucking worked for me. So good luck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd never heard of you. He'd Googled. He hadn't heard of you.

He does a great little routine about a goose roll. Oh, yeah. The goose is really excited to be around a bread roll. But I can't remember the rest. And where does this, what country does this second Dave Callen come from? Oh, you are kidding me. This is huge. You're going to love this.

You need to get him on. Get him on the podcast. Drum roll. And Tommy, you've got the drums behind you. You can play them. Yeah, yeah. I'll patch it in later. He is from a country called Scotland.

He's from Scotland? Yes, he's a copy in every single way. No, not every. A perfect facsimile. But everyone tells him that he's from Ireland. I'm not sure why. Yeah, he gets up. Are they doing that because of these jerk stores

or do people just not know? Well, I always thought he was from Ireland, and I think he is. The flip. Keep that going. That's great. But the thing is, I said to him him i met him five years ago in edinburgh he came to one of my shows and he said i met i came to your show because we have the same name and i went what and he was a short

back and sides clean shaven kid with glasses i'm like uh oh wow okay and he goes i'm doing comedy now and i'm like oh for fuck's sake well in, in that case, whatever you do, don't come to Australia. And whatever you do, don't specifically go to Perth and marry a Perth comedian. Because then there'll be no getting rid of you, you fucker. And don't grow your hair long and grow a beard. And he did everything. He did all of those. He's got long hair, a beard, and he's in the same town as me,

and it's very confusing. He is just, oh, I'm furious. Anyway, we should change. It's actually perfect, Callum, for you, for when you all of a sudden disappear from society and you're working undercover. He can just take on the Dave Callum appearance. He can just merge the two Dave Callums.

Yes. He does DJ sets the two Dave Callens. He does DJ sets. The version like Pendulum used to do. Yeah, and little Scottish dancers. It gets even better because there was a David Callen in Sydney. You know about this guy? Yeah, yeah. He was doing comedy, and he did a comedy show called I Spied because he used to work for ASIO.

So if people Google my name, there's already a guy taking the heat from me doing this sort of stuff and there's an already guy doing comedy so i'm basically i'm nothing i'm like a ghost it's crazy yeah you've got three people called dave callan and they make up for about one and a half people really there's only about one and a half people's worth of yeah fucking achievements and occupations and yeah because Because Callan is such a rare Irish name. I would have thought. Yeah.

You don't hear it a lot. You've got the one in Sydney who's done the spy stuff and you've got the one here who's a Scottish comedian. I'm a perfect Venn diagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's awesome. So, Wolfie. Yes.

Your day job. Your day job is, of course, we've talked to you before about – you're not a stockbroker. What do you call yourself? A gambler. I gamble people's superannuation. Come on. Snake eyes.

No, you're not actually meant to say a stockbroker. It's a financial advisor. You're not actually meant to say a stockbroker. It's a financial advisor. And I've just done the course to actually get, because they've been trying to weed out the rats because there was that big banking scandal and whatnot and they had a new course, which was, it was a uni-level course, you know, just to check,

because I think a lot of the financial advisors haven't even been to uni. But I've got some bad news for you, Carl. I passed. I passed with six days study. So fuck knows what's going on. Oh, wow. So I continue on.

Look at you two little Perth students over there all being out and getting sunshine and going to pubs and getting education. Does it not scare you though that non-uni educated and six days study and two of those I was blackout drunk and I got through. So, I mean, it was a 60% pass rate. So I'm like, what is wrong with these other 40%? It was shocking to me.

What are the stocks like that you bought when you were passed out? How are they going? The drunk stocks? Yeah. Mate, no, no, I don't normally drink on the job because this is... Don't normally. Nice. Just on special occasions.

Yeah, yeah. Mate, your stocks actually, you've had a... All right. So, yeah, what's the deal? So, for people who haven't heard, just, I think, what, just when we got into the pandemic like 18 months ago, I sent you a bunch of money. I said, right, let's do this. I think maybe it was pre-pandemic.

I'm not sure. I sent you a bunch of money and I went, right, this money is tucked away. This is for buying a bar in Koh Samui. Well, I've got some good news for you. And you were very confident. You were like, I'm going to move this money. I'm going to take it upwards.

I've got some good inside tips. I've got a hot tip on what's going to be the vaccine that's going to take it upwards. I've got some good inside tips. I've got a hot tip on what's going to be the vaccine that's going to cure the coronavirus. Now, look, when I'm going back to check my details from 18 months ago, there doesn't seem to be a lot of mentions of the word Pfizer or anything like that in there.

What horse are we riding on at the moment? We've pivoted away from stocks and you're now invested in my podcast. You saw all the equipment. We've got a terrific setup. God damn it.

If we get enough downloads, we're going to buy the fucking bar through fucking Patreon money. Don't tell me Carlone's shares in the fucking bleach that Donald Trump was telling people

to inject themselves with. Oh, mate, mate. So we had... Am I in the horse tranquilizer? Do I own half of the horse paste or whatever? All I can say is Joe Rogan, whatever he took, you were heavily invested in. But no, you know what?

It was actually such a wild ride of what you've experienced because you halved your money on that. It was a complete disaster. Oh, fuck, did I? As my financial advisor, you did not tell me about this. No, because what had happened was out of the blue, the approval was rejected. Who could have guessed that I was wrong?

But we've slowly clawed you back up. About medical science. Yeah, who could have told? I loved it because I was getting hammered by your listeners going, you piece of shit, we knew you'd fail, you're probably drunk. And I had two people that had applied, they had applied and they go, actually don't bother calling me ever again because they saw the stock drop. But we are now up, I checked today, you're up 15% from your start thing, so a slow train

to nowhere. You would have been better off in the bank. You know what, once I booked you in for like doing the pod, like a day or two ago, I did notice there was a flurry of emails to my account from changes being made to my stocks. I think it was like two days out, Wolfie was like, fuck, I've got to make some money really quickly. There was a lot of changing of stocks and shares being bought and sold.

It's what they call in the beers, window dressing. So is it this. But you know what's incredible? Every time, it's always down, but every time the pod hits, we have a run. Like the stock you were in

was up 18% today. So you went from down to being up 15% from a miraculous last minute recovery from yesterday. So I fucking, as always,

slid under the fence, got the homework in. I passed the course in six days. I managed to fucking patch up the leaky ship just long enough to do the pod. By the time we come off this, it's probably dropped back down. But for a brief window, all's well. The last two days you were blackout drunk. Keep doing that.

Whatever you did in the last two days, just keep doing that. Do you want to do my counterterrorism assignments? Mate, I don't know how I get through stuff, but I seem to pass exams because I went in there and everyone looked quite smart. You're a charmed little pixie. I'm a lucky boy. I'm a lucky boy.

You could use Wolfie in the counterterrorism. So what you do is you send him over as the stockbroker to the Taliban. He invests all their money and then the investments go bust and then they go broke and then they can't do anything anymore. Yeah, you lose all their goats for them and then we move in and we take back Afghanistan. This was a lot of opium money. Where's it all gone?

I'm like, you've invested in my podcast. Next time we Zoom, Wolfie is like, I'm living in Kabul now. It's crazy over here. My clients, and I go, the clients are angry and I'm fucking scared. They seem to mean business. He's got rocket launchers, man. They've got a goddamn rocket launcher. Chandler, we've moved all your money into shares in sand.

There's heaps of it here. It's pretty fucking sturdy. It's a good option over here. So you know what the thing is? We're still on course. This is the joy of it. One year in, nothing achieved. You would have been better off to get a gym membership.

Hang on. By being on course, you mean you haven't lost all of my money yet. Is that what you describe as being on course? When it had halved, I thought, what the fuck have I done yet? I need to be booking gigs in Melbourne. I've got to email the main booker

and say I've trashed his fucking investment. I'm like, am I the dumbest guy ever? It's a lose-lose for me. If we make the money, you get a bar, a bar that I want. You get a fucking bar and I'm like, am I the dumbest guy ever? It's a lose-lose for me. If we make the money, you get a bar, a bar that I want. You get a fucking bar, and I'm like, I want that bar. And if I lose the money, I'm never kicking game in Melbourne.

Like, I only lose. I get to go and fucking pay $10 a pint at your bar in Thailand that I don't have. What I'm trying to figure out is, are bars in Thailand cheap, or did you give him a lot of money? Well, okay, good point. Now, this was the thing. At the time, I was really into checking the prices in Thailand for bars

and stuff like that. Now, since this all started, you know, the pandemic and everything, I assume prices have plummeted. You're sort of looking around. Like basically in Koh Samui, I keep looking. Everything's for sale. I kind of figure that if you were over there and you just walked into a place and asked them if you could buy whatever you want, they would say yes.

You've just got to hang on it. Yeah. So I think what I think is we haven't made a lot of money from Wolfie's shares, but what it has done is the pandemic has brought all of the prices of the bars way down. So it sort of feels like in a normal way you have won money for million shares. We now do sort of nearly have enough money to buy a bar now. Nothing to do with you.

More to do with the pandemic bringing everything back down to our level. You're talking a lot of sense and I think anyone listening here should get on board if they're looking for a tyre bar and I can deliver the here should get on board if they're looking for a tyre bar and I can deliver the results when their economy collapses and the exact money

you put in is what I give you back and you buy a bar man honestly honestly so you know what I'm about to send you something

I just before this like so I know that I sent you like what I've got invested with you is $2,000 so it's up to what is it up to

like $2,100 or something like that no you're $2,000. So it's up to, what is it, up to like $2,100 or something like that? No, you're $2,300 now. You're up $300. Oh, big spender. There we go. I might pile some more money in if you're going to do this good. I'm hoping you're not emailing a withdrawal of funds

because you're my last client. I've got my last chance to get out of my parents' house. No, no, no. What I've sent you now, if you want to have a look at it, just before we started, I found the cheapest bar I could find in Koh Samui. Yep. So if we're up to $2,300, this bar is $4,000. Okay, well, I can have that.

Having not delivered to you for a year, I think I can have that in six weeks if I actually get active. Oh, really? I think I can do it. In six weeks? Well, Matt. Are you going to invest in terrorism now that you know who's fighting for the other side of it?

Dude, it was so funny though because we went drinking last weekend and we ended up at the casino at five o'clock and then I suddenly realised how similar my job was to gambling because I had a couple of guys that obviously have gambling problems and they were so superstitious. You know where they're all sort of superstitious? We've got to stand on this table. We've got to do this.

Like you're going to win and it's just total random. We're obviously all left with no money. But the penny dropped. I'm like, fuck. In many ways, that's what I do. But during the day in a suit, do you know what I mean? It's the exact same fucking thing. Because now I honestly believe I can make four grand for you by,

we've got three weeks. So we can update the listeners, the drill results of the stock you're in, which I'm not giving because I don't want to get hammered into private messages like they did last time. They wouldn't stop. Right. Vicious attacks that I brought down the head of the podcast. But I think three to five weeks we can have it

and then we should pull it out and just buy the cheapest bar. I love that the time frame has changed every time you've said it. It went from six to three to now three to five. No, but I think for me, for my own mental health, the next win we're fucking out and we buy the cheapest bar in Thailand. The poorest house on the best street. I like the way your mental health has depended on Carl's money. I need it.

That's the hinging factor. I wish my accountant, when I'm doing my tax, when he'd go to me, look, here's what I'd like you to do just for my own mental health. Here's how I'd like you to lodge the form. There needs to be more financial advice predicated on the mental health benefits for the financial advisor. Also, Wolfie, you need to make this money in the next three to six weeks. Do whatever you can together. Do not lose money in the next three to six weeks. Do whatever you can together.

Do not lose that money because in three to six weeks, so I can buy this bar and then immediately lose all of my money through the bar because there is no chance anyone is going to this fucking bar for the next year or so. Yeah. No, we, yeah. So let's aim for that. But I, in many ways, I want to give you your money back right now so I can at least be up. You know, it's like the casino bar But in many ways, I want to give you your money back right now so I can at least be up.

You know, it's like the casino bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like $300 and I'm going, congratulations. Thank you very much. Get the fuck out of here. I can't handle this anymore. Yeah, yeah. Because by tomorrow, it's $1,900 and I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake.

You don't know what I'm going to have to take. Now I'm the hero. We're looking at this bar called The Knee Bar, Drink and Food, and it's $4,000. It's been on sale for quite a while already. It's not a big bar. It's all the pictures that they've put up of it have got no customers. This sounds exactly in our MO.

It's what we need. You should call it The Knights Who Say Knee Bar. No, you're banned. Just to get a comedy thing. You are back at university, you fucking dork. Thank you, Tommy. It's got the worst-looking living quarters out the back of it, so we can all go over and stay and work at the bar during the day

and live out the back during the night. There's even a tin shed, tin and wood shed for roosters to live out the back. Oh, perfect. That's cool. Yeah. Cool. Yeah, so I've really got my heart set on this car now. Well, let's get that done, hey?

I'll try to trade. $4,000. I just need – I'll go and get a carton and we'll get the job done tomorrow. Can there be a special room for counter-terrorism? Oh, absolutely. You get the tin shed out the back. Okay, I'll fit it out with lots of flashbangs and special devices. Oh, man.

When you're saying that Wolfie's money, you know, Wolfie hasn't done anything with your money, but that you could probably afford the bar now just because the prices have gone down. I don't know that you can say that Wolfie didn't have anything to do with that because what he did was invest in and pump the tires up of a company that was working on a vaccine that ended up to not go anywhere, thereby prolonging the effects of the coronavirus.

Oh, okay. Had Wolfie invested in a more reputable vaccine, maybe Thailand would be out of the woods by now and prices over there would be surging. So I don't think you can be so quick to say that Wolfie didn't have some kind of effect on the talent. Okay, so I owe Wolfie a chunk of the knee bar, you say. You owe him a rooster from that shed.

Yeah. I think, Tommy, you make a great point. What I did was terrific. I played the long game. Anyone else looking for a rooster shed out in Thailand, look me up. You know, just look. You know, if we don't get there, I've sent you boys the link in Facebook right at the moment.

If you're looking at it and you want to pump any of your own money in there to get a share of the knee bar, you know, this can be like a beautiful dum-dum club themed bar for when we inevitably go back over there for the 2052 Koh Samui International Podcast Festival. But I do love the idea of getting this bar. If we go back over, we do another podcast festival at some stage, just as a bit of a relief for everyone that we can travel internationally again. I love the idea that we've got the cheapest bar in Samui, the smallest, most povest fucking bar in Koh Samui,

and everyone goes over and stays at these beautiful resorts, and then we're like, no, but you have to come to our bar now. It's 40 minutes away. It's about two foot by three foot. And it sucks. It's fucking shit. But get out of the pool and you have to come and drink with us now. This looks so bad.

This looks like such a fucking shithole. Well, I invest professionally for a living and you've sold me. I'm probably going to pull my own personal funds and get involved in this fucking bar. Forget stock market. You chuck in $200, all of a sudden you own 10% of a bar. Like, you know, 5% of a bar. It's fucking, it may not be much, but you've got a fair bit of it. That's something.

I feel like I'm in the movie The Big Short if it was bought from Aldi.wish.com or Aldi. If it was bought from Aldi.wish.com or Aldi. But, Dave, how impressed will people be at uni when you go like, yeah, I'm a mature age, but I also own a bar out in Thailand. Oh, that is cool. Yes. That'd be swooning. I'm part owner. Yeah, okay.

I'll pull out my personal funds, all studies, and we'll do it. Yeah, you can have the Edith Cowell traffic light party over there. It's a pretty short flight. We can, what about this? If you go back, we can make this officially like a uni bar for Edith Cowell. Every Wednesday night, half price Changs. If you guys want to fly from Perth over to Koh Samui, we'll do you guys a deal. If you show your student ID at the knee bar, half price,

we'll do your 25 baht changs. I'm just going to say I liked it on the link that Carl sent. One of the photos is just of a car parked out the back and they've censored the license plate of the car. Just don't post the photo. It's the worst photo. It's not. That was when I was parked there myself doing some counterterrorism.

Yes. Right, just keep them on things. Yeah, yeah. I do like, like, what are you going to do with that info? What are you going to do with the info of a number plate of a car parked out the back of the shittest bar in Koh Samui? What exactly are you going to do with that? I think they're just embarrassed.

Hey, they don't want anyone to know. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, sure. You can have like an exchange program with these Edith Cowan students where they go over and then can work in the bar. Oh, yeah. The hospitality students. And it's called Learn Indonesian or Learn Thai.

Yeah. Fuck, wrong language. Learn RSA. Yeah. Can you put up some posters in the hospitality section of the uni just to get some work experienced people to come over and, you know, look, all the rooster they can eat. They can use the car with the no number plate out the back. They can live in a third world country in fourth world residence out the back.

It looks extreme. It doesn't look too bad right at the front but out the back looks extremely dodgy it can be like a charity thing we can say it's been hit by a cyclone or the terrorist attacked

and they go in there to rebuild what used to be there a beautiful beautiful bar yeah it actually was never a bar

but they can go in and do the wood decking and the hammocks are there hammocks there you need hammocks I think it doesn't look like there's hammocks there? You need hammocks, I think. It doesn't look like there's hammocks.

There's trees, though. I think, yeah, by the look of the economy out the back, I reckon you'd wish for hammocks once you started staying there because you'd rather be sleeping outside than whatever the fuck they've got out the back. Yeah, because we all need this. Hey, look, we can rename it. We can call it whatever we like if we get the – because that's the thing. Like, even if, you know, nothing happens, $4,000, look, we can rename it. We can call it whatever we like if we get it. Because that's the thing. Like, even if, you know, nothing happens, $4,000,

like, if there's a few of us and if it's free money that you've earned for us on the stock exchange, like, it's win-win. I can't really see a loss out of this. Well, let's agree. Like, we'll tap out at $4,000 in six weeks. So we can do that. All right.

Wolfie, what's your, like, what's your biggest win I had four grand in six weeks, so we can do that. All right. All right. Wolfie, what's your biggest win that you've had with doing stocks for other people? What's the biggest result you've gotten? Me? With my own money? No, me. I made 1.4 mil. I made 1.4 mil in 10 days.

For who? Fuck it. Now, hang on, hang on, hang on. Now, I don't want to go too crazy with the spoilers, and given that you live with your mum and dad, did you hang on to that 1.4 mil? No, it didn't work. I had a house paid off in Nedlands. I made it, and then, yeah, it all went away.

So who knew? What do you mean went away? Well, the thing is I got hot under the collar. I thought I was Andrew Forrest. I thought I was destined for greatness. Do you know? And I wasn't. I was just very lucky on a trade a few years ago.

So, yeah, that was actually – that's where it all came apart. That big win changed me. I was cocky. I'm driving around town. I thought I was invincible. Turned out I just got really lucky. It was a one-hit deal. But yeah, man, what a great day.

Better to have loved and lost, hey? What a great day when I had all that money, hey? Could have been anything. But what a fucking devastation as it all disappeared. No, I put 300K in and turned it into 1.4. Wow. Carl, how quickly can you find out what kind of bar you could buy in Koh Samui for 1.4 mil?

Well, how many times does $4,000 go into 1.4 million? We could get a franchise. Let's get a franchise. I don't want to get one good bar. I want to get about 600 shit bars. All right. You want the meat bar to be. I want to get about 600 shit bars. You want the meat bar to be all over Koh Samui. You want it to be like McDonald's.

Yes, exactly. That is what's so bad. Once you've done it once, because when I was going to lunch and I was thinking of Carl's money, I thought, okay, two and a half grand, we get to ten, then we can get to a hundred. I'm like, fuck. One day a hundred's quite a lot to give to him. He'd be pretty stoked if he had two grand.

It's total bullshit. When the fuck are you going to make 100 grand, you idiot? Shit a minute, it's at 2,300. You're an idiot. You're a gambler. But in my head, I was thinking, I said, imagine his face as I hand over 100 grand. But it's possible.

What if, because the whole time you've been like i want to be part of this if you get this bar i want to be part of this what if what if we get it what if we aim even higher what if we aim for eight grand because the a great dream would be okay we don't we don't just buy one knee bar we buy two knee bars because my dream is i love the the asian way of like get making up a second shop second restaurant, but then just calling it two, just like making it a sequel. So you get Kneebar, and then you've got Kneebar 2. I would love to have a franchise, because you

got to call it a franchise if there's two shops. Maybe you could call it the Knights Who Also Say Kneebar. Shut up, you nerd. You're lucky. You're lucky the Nullarbor exists, because I'd be flushing your head down the toilet right now. Hey, Dave. Dave, after this, you've got to Google the dead parrot sketch, dude.

You're going to fucking blow your mind. Absolute pisser. Absolute pisser. Tommy, do you know what we were saying before off air? So you've never played the drums on the podcast? Are you ever planning to do that? Like the Marinette? He's got drums behind you.

He's got drums behind him. Yeah. Yeah. What level are you at? The one thing we thought was, we were saying off air, we could do like a Whiplash reenactment, that film where J.K. Simmons plays an aggressive drum teacher and Miles Carroll plays a typical student.

And I can absolutely play the teacher. I can do the teacher. There's no problems there. I'm happy to put my hand up to play him. J.K. Simmons like abusing Miles Teller even though there's no evidence that he actually is any better at the drums. So it's kind of perfect. That's awesome.

Just yelling, do better, oh, do better. How long have you been playing for, man? A long time or not? Like three years, I think. Three years or so, yeah. So not ages. I'm all right. Like there's, yeah, I'm pretty good.

There's a few things I can't really do very well. But how do you know you're pretty good? Has someone heard it or you just think you are? Speaking of Koh Samui, I played in a – I think we did – yeah, we did two different years where we had like a Koh Samui All-Stars band and we had like me on drums and then a couple of people who were over there. Yeah. Oh, mate, I know what you need to do at the 500 show.

You've got to play on stage like that gorilla. Do you know that? What was that ad? Like the gorilla. What's that ad? Oh that from the cadbury ad yeah from the ad right and he does the the phil collins phil collins yeah and you turn around and you go it's fucking yeah something like that well look just spitballing ideas they can't all work but i've done well on the shares so that's good yeah just good. Yeah. Just make sure you've got a full arsenal of Bob Marley songs

for when we take over Kneebar 1 and 2. Mate, I like it because we halve the admin because we've got the same employer, you know, the payroll's the same and the marketing's the same, the ad campaign. What's the ad campaign? Yeah. A Skyrider or whatever we're going to do.

Something big. Skyriding in Koh Samui. Something big for the launch party. I. Something big. Skyriding in Koh Samui. Something big for the launch party. I love the idea of skyriding in Koh Samui. It's such a small island and also there's like 10 planes going in a day. So you're just nipping up there for like 20 minutes in between flights from Singapore and Bangkok coming in. You've got to duck between the Jetstar but they're always delayed

so you get big pockets where you can go and do like cheap drinks, free drinks and then we'll have the closing down sale over and over. delayed so you get big pockets where you can go and do like cheap drinks. Free drinks. And then we'll have the closing down sale over and over. Closing down. It's all going to go. We've overboard. We're like a carpet store themed bar where we're just constantly closing down. We've fucked up. They're going at half price.

Speaking of big pockets, Carl, the money you owe me for the last gigs I did in Melbourne, maybe you could give it to Wolfie to try and invest to get it to my normal standard fee I usually charge. I mean, it's going to be difficult, maybe, but he can try. He can try his best. You're talking my language, Dave. I think that makes a lot of sense, Carl. Let's get this money in. Unfortunately, like Thailand, the pandemic language, Dave. I think that makes a lot of sense, Carl. Let's get this money in.

Unfortunately, like Thailand, the pandemic hit, Dave. So, yeah, that's why the prices went down. Sorry about that. Just invest it into one four thousandth of the bar then. He can't transfer it in. McGowan's got a very strict policy. It's all locked down. He can't get the money in here.

So it's fine. What I love is that for the listener at home, we've been doing this like kind of it's been it's gradually locked down. You can't get the money in here, so it's fine. What I love is that for the listener at home, we've been doing this like kind of – it's gradually – in Melbourne, the sun has gone down while we've been recording this. No lights on at the Chandler household, so we're now all watching a man in total darkness, which adds a new air to the sight of a man just going, I'm going to own a bar in Thailand.

It's just like, now that the lights are off, it's got a completely different vibe to it. I'm saving money because Wolfie hasn't made that extra money. I've turned off all the power in the rest of the house. I'm making up the amount that he hasn't earned me. I've got to compliment you guys. So you have dressed. I'd be in pyjamas.

I wouldn't have bothered. You have dressed. You've dressed up. You're wearing hats and I'd be in pyjamas. I wouldn't have bothered. You have dressed. You've dressed up, you know. You're wearing hats and shit probably because you're balding. I don't know. Yeah, we're really dressed up. We've rolled out the red carpet for you guys. Dude, I would be in a fucking tracksuit and like a sweatshirt.

You know what I mean? Like, why bother? Yeah, yeah. Carl looks like he's a white head out. Yeah. Well, I've been outside. I have spoilers. You were allowed outside for an hour or something,, I've been outside. I have spoilers.

You're allowed outside for an hour or something, so I have been outside. You can't just give up. We're pros at this lockdown by now. We've done it for a long time. Absolutely. You have your week where it's like the track is fun and then you go, I've got to start actually dressing properly in the morning.

I can't just be doing this. Do you have – it's 5K restrictions. It's sort of like a dog on a chain. Do you know the limits at all points in your suburb like where you hit the 5k mark it's a 5k that you've got radius yeah yeah so do you know exactly like i can touch that post but not that post you've sort of mapped it out like a dog on a chain walking around to see the i've looked at like places i would go to normally and go, can I go to that one or can I not go to that one?

I don't know exactly the line, but I do know the places I can and can't go. Wolfie, no offence, but I really hope we get to see the day of you doing a months-long lockdown like this because it would be fascinating to observe what happens. It is definitely going to hit Perth. We've been cocky for too long. Hey, I'm sure we're going down. It's a bit like you when you won your 1.3 million. Mate It is definitely going to hit Perth. We've been cocky for too long. Hey, I'm sure we're going down.

It's a bit like you when you won your 1.3 million. Mate, it's going to hit. Yes. Yes. It's going to hit. And I've been with my parents for too long now. And it's going to be, yeah, I don't know what might happen. Hey.

You can live with me in June. Someone's gone missing. I probably need to get into this. I might enroll into anti-terrorism. Yeah, do it. Oh, do it. That would be great. anti-terrorism. Yeah, do it. Oh, do it. That'd be great. We could have fun. Yeah, we will. We'll dress in suits

and drive Aston Martins. I would sit. Do you get a spy name or not? Not in year one. Maybe in year two. What would yours be? Just triple O. You know, zero. No money.

All off. Yeah, triple O named after the profits of my shares. James Bond, triple O. Bankrupt. Dave, you got in there. You're not allowed to have any O's in your code name because that's Irish and that would be inappropriate. I'd be double Mick Seven.

All right, well, let's wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Andrew Wolfe, Dave Callen, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much, boys. Wolfe, you've got your money podcast, Sure Thing. Sure Thing, but Thailand Bar coming soon to you guys. Six weeks time. That's more important. That's the Sure Thing, yeah. Nice. Sure thing, but Thailand bar coming soon to you guys. Six weeks time. That's more important.

That's the sure thing, yeah. Nice. Sure thing podcast. Six weeks. We might put up like an update on the socials and stuff. Like we'll put like a bit of a telethon, like what we're up to, how much money we've raised for the bar over the next six weeks, just to put the pressure on you.

And we can have like the countdown, the six-week countdown, and I'll trade against it using Changbears, and we'll trade each day, and you can update the actual balance. But I'm telling you, if it drops below two grand, again, I'm fucking out. I'm giving you your money back. I want to get gigs in Melbourne. I can't risk it. He's going on the run.

What I'm really hoping is I want you to base the share prices going up with Sydney's coronavirus cases. We could just make a wall graph like that. If I can outperform the spread of COVID in Sydney, you'll be happy. That's it. Perfect. Dave, have you got things you'd like to plug coming up? No. In Perth?

No. No. Oh, no? No. You doing gigs in Perth? No. No. Oh. No. How many Perth listeners do you have? Like one? It's just us, isn't it? No, plenty.

Yeah, there's heaps over there. No, there's a big group. Well then, in that case, come and see me at Fringe World. I don't know what I'm doing. I might not even do it.

Are you doing it? I'm meant to be, but I haven't written anything, so I don't know. Yeah, yeah. Have you enrolled? When the fuck did we enroll? Oh, it was supposed to be a month ago. Oh, shit. Well, yeah, come to Fringe World.

It's not like Edith Cowan where you can just do it late. Oh, jeez. Well, I missed the window. You guys need to meet a girl in the smoking section, and then you'll be registered straight away. Yes. Yeah, that's in January and February anyway. So you guys will be doing a show probably together.

We lose track. We've got so many gigs out here. You're down the beach. You've got a party. You've got all things on. Yeah. You've got two people in a room. It's all going on.

Yeah. You're allowed to lick things. Yeah, you can. You've even got the lights on in there It looks fucking great Can't wait Yeah we got electricity Alright guys

Thanks very much for listening And we'll see you next time See you next And They've done it again. Oh, they sure have. Even with the Nullarbor between us and the other guests, Bernie's roosted one over the Nullarbor, actually.

I think the football that he's kicked over the Nullarbor is probably responsible for some of the UFO sightings that people see in the Nullarbor. Oh, right. Just this glowing red sphere was driving over us. I love all the UFO sightings in the Nullarbor. It's like, yeah, I saw something weird in the Nullarbor. Did you?

Did you see something weird when you were by yourself, out of your mind, driving four days through a desert, probably on pingas? Did you see something weird? Okay, all right. Fuck, I'd love to do the Nullarbor. I would really love to take that one off the bucket list. four days through a desert probably on pingers. Did you see something weird? Okay, all right. I'd love to do the Nullarbor. I would really love to take that one off the bucket list.

That'd be interesting. Yeah. Yeah, it'd be heaps of fun. But this raises an interesting question. Is Bernie part of the player bubble? Will he be having anything to do with the grand final being held over in Perth? Is that why he was kicking one over the Nullarbor? Was he on his way over? No.

Look, I'd love for him to be kicking a football with us Trojan horse style hiding inside it over the Nullarbor and then we get over there and get to do some gigs and walking around outside. The only gig we can get is on grand final night because no one wants to do it because it's traditionally such a shit night for comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck, I'd love to do the shit night for comedy these days.

Anyway, fun times. Fun times to catch up with our little old mates over there. Perth, we haven't quite knuckled down and gotten the new replacement day yet because, you know, fuck knows. But it's looking like possibly February next year. But that will be confirmed. People that have the tickets will be emailed that. There is a small handful of tickets still available.

If you'd like to purchase a ticket without knowing when it's on, go for it. Yep. Yep. I've done that with stuff. I've bought things and it's like I've pre-ordered something for a thing that will be released at an indeterminate time yeah you ever done that no you just you just go in you get it when you get it i had a record turned up the other day that i bought over a year ago i pre-ordered it over a year ago oh wow and then it and then it went into production and then the production got delayed because of covid and then finally turned up and it was like

wow what a nice surprise just a genuine oh man genuine shock to have it turn up like i had forgotten about it so many people are going to have this like you know these great weeks in 2022 where they get to go and see all these shows that they bought two years ago the money's gone since then you know they've written off the money since then basically 2022 is a year of people going to shows that they sort of didn't pay for. Like, they don't even notice the money coming out of their wallet. They're just free shows that, you know, Carl Chandler from 2020 bought for Carl in 2022. Do you have anything like that?

Do you have any tickets kind of sitting there, hanging in the ether at the moment? Yeah, I've got a few. I've got a few little ones, yeah. What did you have? Are you on some faith no more? in the ether at the moment? Yeah, got a few. Got a few little ones, yeah. Yeah, so just – What did you have? Just trying – Oh, you had some Faith No More?

Yeah, just trying not to lose those tickets in the meantime. Yeah, yeah, got Faith No More. Very coincidentally, yeah, trying to organise the Perth Live podcast very coincidentally around the time of them playing in Perth. Oh, that's weird. So absolutely weird. But anyway, well, i mean it could happen to anyone um so we'll we'll try for that um yeah big chance of mike patton being on the podcast that

weekend that'll be great um uh for people right but some people will believe that oh that's a joke i'm not getting my friend on the podcast but um yeah but uh what have i got i've got uh i've got tame impala tickets from i think that was meant to be March 2020 or something, and the band Waves, which Tame Impala, like, though, because that's like a big arena show, I've been emailed a couple of times, like, hey, I think they've changed the date. I mean, I think the date now is meant to be December this year or something, but even that, it's like, I doubt that's going to end up happening.

But that Waves show was just at the Corner Hotel in Melbourne, 2020. And I don't think they ever contacted me one way or the other to say it's delayed or it's cancelled. It was like a $30 ticket or whatever. So it's like, I was just thinking about that the other day. Never chased it up. The tour just clearly will not happen now because it was such a small thing anyway. That's like, do I bother going through the rigmarole of chasing AusTix and going, you know,

this company that's pretty much against the ropes at the moment, is it worth the effort of hassling them for the $30 or do I just kind of let it go? Or do I just hope that one day they come out here, 2025, and then I can come out of the woodwork and go, here I am, I've had this for five years. You owe me a show. Well, saying that, like, yeah, if that ends up happening

and we do a Perth show around about the same time as Faith and More, I've got tickets for – the two things I've got tickets for is Faith and More both in Melbourne and in Adelaide. So, yeah, hey, maybe there might be a last minute Adelaide podcast happen as well as I do a Grateful Dead-esque trawl around the country watching Faith No More. Have you done that before? Have you followed a band around?

Have you gone to like multiple cities for a gig before? No. You know, the only thing like that i've done is one year at the comedy festival it was a year where elvis costello came and played melbourne and i always go and see him when he plays melbourne and he was on a night where i was doing a solo show and i was like uh i can't i guess i can't cancel and yeah, was playing, you know, to a similar size crowd as him, I assume, to probably about 22 people as he played the Pele. Oh, he wasn't in the carpet room at the Forum?

No, no, no. He wasn't doing Westgate Wednesdays and giving out half-price tickets to whoever was hanging around at Lord of the Fries on Swanston. But no, it just happened that I think he was on, he must have been in Melbourne roughly around the last weekend of the Comedy Festival. So then by the time he went to Sydney, Comedy Festival was over. So then I just went, you know, I think I had a pretty decent Comedy Festival. So I was like, oh, I'm just going to fly up.

Just flew up, got in at about four o''clock went straight to the concert um had a few drinks and then got up and come straight home the next the next morning so that's that's sort of the closest yeah it's a good like a travel interstate for a concert it's fucking great like i did that at the start of 2020 i went and saw i saw vampire weekend in melbourne and then i went up and saw them in sydney and my friend from sydney who's into them he came down here for the melbourne Melbourne and then I went up and saw them in Sydney. And my friend from Sydney who's into them, he came down here for the Melbourne show and then I went up there for the Sydney show. And it was fucking great. And it was like, yeah, I want to do more of that.

Just reckless spending of money. Seeing the same gig consecutive nights in another city just because you've got a friend who's also into it. It's fun. I did go and see Queens of the Stone Age when they were in Melbourne back to back twice, which was good because I gave myself a bit of a serious night of watching and then one night of like getting fucking sideways and really enjoying it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I had the serious Carl and the fucked up Carl both see the same set list and I was into it. I could do that again. Definitely. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. When I went to Vampire Weekend, the Melbourne night was first and they got two songs in both see the same set list and i was into it i could do that again definitely yeah yeah when i went to vampire weekend the melbourne night was first and they got two songs in and then all the power went out on stage so they had to leave the stage this is 10 minutes into the gig then they come back after like five minutes and they think they've got it all fixed up they start the song again a minute into the song all the shit on stage goes out again like all the venue lights are on but it's just like the power to like the amps and stuff so all the instruments go down this happens three times and by the time they come back out for the second time it's been maybe 30 to 40 minutes of the audience just like waiting around wow just standing there going and it genuinely at this

point looked like they're just not going to be able to do the gig and all the the other friends that I was with, I was with a group of like eight of us, and all the rest of them are, you know, from Melbourne. And they're all freaking out, like, are we just going to not end up seeing this concert? And I'm really pissing them off by going, I don't really care. I'm getting another bite of the cherry tomorrow night anyway. I mean, to be honest, I've got an early flight to Sydney tomorrow, so I'd be pretty wrapped if we end up going home now getting a refund fuck well i've got all these tickets i've actually got all these tickets for faith and more because i was like all right i'm gonna do melbourne and adelaide because i presume

this would be the last time they'll tour out here maybe so um i thought i'll make the most of it i might you know and i thought oh adelaide that'll. I might, you know, and I thought, oh, Adelaide, that'll be easy. Nice little, you know, trip. And then I thought, well, maybe I'll drive over. So, but this is the thing. It's been that long ago since that I bought all these tickets. But I bought them with other people. Like I bought them and then said to people, oh, do you want to go to this thing? Or do you want to go to, you know, do you feel like doing this?

So there's a bunch of tickets and I'm not even sure who they're for now. I can't remember how they were allocated because I know that like Milan was maybe going to go to one. I know Kappa was going to go to maybe one or two. I think Matt Stewart from Dugo on, I think he was going to go to one. Yeah, I think you were going to go to Adelaide with – you were going to drive with Kappa and Matt Stewart. Yeah, maybe. So you've got a better memory for it than me. I can't remember what the fuck the plan was so um yeah and uh they're gonna come and

knockin yeah then you'll be coming to perth to faith no more obviously and wolfie and callum we'll be all there yeah it should be good i was thinking i i i'm a fan of tyler the creator and especially love his last album and he he's playing here in August 2022. And I thought, fuck, maybe I'll do it again. The back-to-back Melbourne and Sydney. Oh, yeah. I've just got such a taste for it. And also just like planning something like that for any year's time just really feels like, you know, just a thing to, you know, just buying those tickets and going, yes, we will be doing that by then.

Although who the fuck knows? Yeah. You know? Maybe not. Maybe we'll get fucked over at the last minute. I'm getting a bit of anxiety due to anything that happens like that. I'm like, fuck. I just feel like everything's going to be so jammed in. As soon as the gates open and we're allowed to do stuff or whatever, it's going to be like, fuck, I've got 1,700 fucking things planned.

I'm sure to have three or four things planned on the same day on a Saturday night. I'm going to fuck this somehow. I've got to fucking700 fucking things planned. I'm sure to have three or four things planned on the same day on a Saturday night. I'm going to fuck this somehow. I've got to fucking get my shit together. Well, I mean, end of last year, I found it kind of brutal and probably the same thing is going to happen again this year where, yeah, we get out of lockdown and you've got all your things you want to do, catch up with this person, catch up with that person,

see your parents, do gigs. And then it's all of that happening at once combined with it's the end of the year, which is when things are very busy. And then you got Christmas and all that shit thrown into the mix. So it's just like, yeah, fucking nothing happens for months. And then everything kind of happens all at once. I'm ready to get fucking destroyed in November. Incidentally, yeah, go and get your vax, guys.

There's a handful of you out there that are fucked in the head and don't want to, but if you could do us all a favour and get us out of the house, that'd be fucking great. We don't need to go into detail about it. You had your second, yeah? When are you getting your second? You must be just about due, right? I am due, but I'm finding it very hard to book online at the moment,

so I'll be sorting that out in the next week and just sort of doing a bit of a roll up to one of these places because it's just i don't know what the problem is is with the online booking but it is uh not very helpful across the board is what i'm hearing certainly not for me so um not the best system no when i had mine um or when i had one of my doses the the guy who gave it to me was like, he looked in the vial at the end and he's like, there's a bit left in there.

Bit of a shame, isn't it? Probably like a whole other dose in there. It's like, wow, this thing really hasn't been managed too well, has it? Well, speaking of helping us out, help us get out of the house and helping the podcast survive. Thank you very much to everyone who gets on to sign up to Patreon for our little show. You can go to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club or you can

go to just little dum-dum club dot com and click through the links. Have a look around. Have a look at all the backlog of old episodes. A lot of people coming to this show new and don't delve too far back but if you want to go to the episodes

tab in our website you can go back and see a picture of all the people that have been on the show back for 11 years now.

So yeah, nearly 11 years I think. So you can go and have a look through there or you can look at all the merch

that we've got on sale as well. But you can find Patreon, the Patreon link so you can sign up. Give us a little bit of money every month to get a bunch of different little mini episodes every week and, of course, immortalise yourself.

It's like buying a – that thing where you buy a star, Tommy. You buy a star and you name it after yourself or you name it after a friend. It's that sort of thing because then you get your name read out on this show eventually. And as we've always said, once we have – following the advice of the comedy modelling, once we have 80% of the population in this country subscribed to the Little Dumb Dumb Club Patreon,

then we will be ending it. The podcast will be a thing of the past. So we all need you to do the right thing, get out there, get subscribed, and then this nightmare can finally end for us and for you. Yeah, great. Yeah, you're allowed to listen to other shows then. Yeah, great. You're not locked into this one.

This is the real lockdown. You're locked into supporting those two fuckheads. Yeah, once we get to 80% and we own our own franchise of bars in thailand um we're fine to run them instead of doing this man imagine that imagine that imagine like fucking getting out doing another podcast festival in thailand and getting out and going to a bar that we own um based on those pictures i can't think of anything worse at the moment. No. But anyway. It's an ideal fixer-upper, Tommy. You don't want to buy something beautiful already

because it charges through the roof. You look at that thing. You know, you get over there, we get some Thai workers, we pay them 25 cents a day. We get that thing looking like the Copacabana. It's going to be beautiful. We'll get our own casino knocked up. We'll bulldoze the knee bar and we'll get our own crown casino on that site.

We'll make it absolutely the best bar going in that area, absolutely. Fuck, that would be funny, trying to come in and set up a casino in Koh Samui. Yeah, just your own homemade one, like in the Flintstones or something, you know. Yeah. Just trading birds, trading seashells. We get Blakey over there. He helps us build and by helps us build, I mean build by himself. He does all of it.

Yeah. Yeah. It's the perfect plan. Perfect. Can't wait. I'm psyched into it again now. I'm psyched into it. Alright, so let's give a bit of thanks out to the people who

got us to this position where we can lose $4,000 on a bar and not absolutely lose our life, destroy our life. So thank you very much. This week, too, first cab off the rank, Patreon subscriber, Josh Wiseman.

Oh, my God. Yeah. For real? Yeah. You're fucking kidding me. Yeah. Well, he's not too wise of a man if he's wasting his money on this bullshit. Yep, yep.

A wise man once said, suck me off, Josh. Thanks for the money. Man, do you think – now, here's the thing. We've been in lockdown for a fair while, so I've been doing a bit of reading. A lot of surnames come from the jobs that their ancestors have done. Does that mean that Josh's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather once delivered frankincense to some fucking baby in Bethlehem? Is that possible?

Oh, right. Well, I was thinking maybe it was more likely, you know, we've talked a lot about how often a nickname or a childhood nickname will be derived from just sort of, you know, the opposite. Someone doing something that's the opposite. So maybe his ancestor was a complete dumb cut and they're like, get a load of Wise Man over here. Oh, yeah, right.

You know what I mean? They're making a bit of fun of him. So that's on the same day that the Wise Man family got their surname, someone invented sarcasm, like in the 1700s or something. Is that what's happened there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy could have been, the lineage could be, yeah, the inspiration for the first dose of sarcasm ever recorded in history.

Josh Wiseman and Johnny Sarcasm were, you know, both their relatives come from the same incident in the 1700s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Johnny Sarcasm already has that name the ancestor right but he doesn't know what it is yet no one knows

what it is yet when he said something that he meant the opposite of they were like what the fuck was that concept and they didn't know how to describe it

so they just named it after him yeah he's like I don't know it's just something I've been doing it just kind of popped into my head one day

and they're like it's pretty cool I could see us I could see us getting behind this. Yeah, I love this concept. Do you have a name for it? I hadn't really thought that far. I love this concept of saying something that is absolutely incorrect.

You fucking idiot. In order to be funny. Yeah. Well, you know, Josh if he was the real, if he was impersonating his ancestors right now, he's chosen not to gift us with frankincense or myrrh. He's given us fucking $14 a month or something. So, yeah.

Nice. Yeah, even better. I mean, little baby Jesus wouldn't have minded a few cold, hard shekels like that on a monthly retainer. That would have been all right. Little baby Jesus, the three wise men turning up and going, we subscribed you to a podcast Patreon in your name. You're welcome.

You're welcome, little baby Jesus. Yeah, you're too young for it now, but in about three months, you're probably about right. You're probably about the right mental age to listen to this show. Yeah, in three months when they call you a cunt in the back end of the show, then you'll be loving this gift. Yeah. I mean, get into it three months in because after about six months,

you might be a bit too old for it, to be honest. So, yeah. Really, just if you can just hit it at that right point, you'll really get into the show for a couple of weeks. Yeah. I hung out with – I went for a walk with my friend and a two-week-old baby today. And at one point, the two-week-old baby had a bit of spit up.

It went – and just like shit went everywhere. And I thought, man, get some fucking AirPods in this cunt. It's ready for the little dum-dum club. It is. Yeah. I think that baby texted me not too not too long after that actually so Chanda you fucking

mongrel I saw fucking someone kill himself today oh the dum-dum curse has struck again yeah yeah thanks baby thanks little baby Rick yeah Yeah, yeah. Thanks, baby. Thanks, little baby. Rick.

Yeah. Well. Yep. Thanks, Joshy. Thanks, Josh Wise, man. Thanks, Wisey. Not to be mistaken with Josh Wise Guy, who is subscribing. He's an Italian cousin. Yeah.

He's subscribing for $10,000 a week, just laundering his an Italian cousin. Yeah. He's subscribing for 10 grand a week, just laundering his money through us. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Zach Lucas. Okay. Okay. Zach.

What do you think of Zach? When I was a young boy, there wasn't many Zacks around and it would have been, if I'd have known a Zach, I would have been excited. But now it feels like the market's been flooded with Zach. Yeah, I feel like I still don't know that many. I think it's a cool name.

I'm into it. I don't know any. I just see it a lot. Okay. So, yeah, look, I shouldn't be. What do you mean? Where do you see it? What do you mean? I just see it written down a lot. I don't know why, I shouldn't be. You know what? What do you mean? Where do you see it? What do you mean?

I just see it written down a lot. I don't know why. I see it in pop culture. I see it in – you know what? I think there's quite a few Zacks subscribed to this. I'll be honest. Okay. I'll chuck the name into the UTA, into the Unplanned Title Alternator,

and I'll see exactly how many I can find. There's one, two, three, four. This is how deep into. There's five. There's five. We've read out five Zachs over the years. For a pretty, yeah, for a pretty straight, like not a very common name, that's a lot of Zachs.

Yeah. Let me just look at, yeah, I don't know. What else? What's another common name that I could look up? Sam. Sam. Look up Sam. Sam's.

All right, let's go. One. Brutal being a Sam. Two. Three. Us both going common at the same time. Four. Five.

Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Oh, there's a few. Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

All right, there's a few. Okay, there's heaps. There's fucking heaps. No more Sams. This sounds like we've got it. We don't need any more Sams subscribing. Thanks very much. If you're a Sam, put the fucking wallet away.

Or subscribe under Zach. Yeah, exactly. If your name's Sammy Johnson, your name's Zach Johnson from now on. I was about to say before, like, I think this is like deep, just locked down brain versus like, you know, being just the fog versus like not really seeing, you know, people in comedy at the moment that I was about to go oh there's a zach that does comedy that we both know and then i had a moment in my head where i had to go wait is his

name zach or jack and that was like a 30 seconds in my head where i was like fuck what's that guy's oh yeah i do know zach you're right my god yeah i forgot about that as well. Okay. His name is Zach. Have you said that? Yeah, I haven't said that. I was imagining this guy is Z-A-C-H. That's all I could see in my head. I wasn't thinking Z-A-C-K. Yes. Yes.

Because they're both Zachary, aren't they? Yeah, that's a weird one. You've got an H or a K. What do you think? Do you do Zachary? I like Zach with a K, but can you still do Zachary with a K? I guess you can. I'm pretty sure.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is. I didn't know you could do that. It feels like the K shouldn't be abbreviated. I don't know. It feels like that should just be its own thing. You shouldn't have a K in Zachary. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

Putting the K in there seems to denote that you're saying that that's the full name. It's not a short, there's no extended version. This is my phoner. If we move over to Koh Samui, run this bar, do our breakfast radio show on Koh Samui FM, that's my level of phoner. Wait, we get the radio gig off the back of running a bar? Yeah.

Yeah, we take over the island like we've we've we end up having this this chain of bars that are all that all cost us four thousand dollars and then yeah instead of playing uh music we just we just go you know what let's monopolize the whole island let's let's take over the local radio station so we can have ads for our own bars because we just become the kings of the island. And so then we do our own breakfast show that we just put ads for our own bars at. We play the radio station through the bars as well. And this is our level of Fona. Instead of, oh, where do you keep your tomato sauce?

In the cupboard or the fridge. It's like, if you called someone Zachary, would you put a K in the middle of it? Ring in now. Ring in now, everyone. And we're doing this in a country where, like, no one is called Zach. No. People phoning up going, I'm going to need some more clarity on the question because I kind of don't understand what you mean.

Yeah, yeah. All their names are Thim and things like that. So, yeah, we don't really know what that name is. Lek. L-E-K, my favourite Thai name. Lek. With a K or with a C-H? Give us a call.

Which one are you using? Lek is with a K. Yeah, there wouldn't be many people ringing in with the L-E-C-H. I'd very much doubt. But Zach Lucas. Zachary. You can get – were you Googling whether you can have Zachary CK?

You can. You can. You can absolutely. Yeah, it's disappointing. No. That's life. That's life though. Yeah.

But thanks Zachary. Thanks Zachary. Sorry to hear that. Who's the hear that who's the coolest who's the coolest famous zach um well who's that fucking guy from is it from garden state what's his name oh breath yeah he's the only one i can think of he's right down the bottom oh he's like the he's the worst zach that exists. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't have time for Zach Braff. No offense if you're listening, Zach, but I hated Garden State. Oh, well, that's.

I liked Scrubs at the time. Now it annoys the fuck out of me. And I don't know. You seem like a bit of a, seem like a bit of a weird dude. Wow. Well, we didn't have many Zachs sign up to start with, I guess, in comparison. And now there's one less possibility. Well, who's the, who's the core Zach? I'm going to start with, I guess, in comparison. And now there's one less possibility. Well, who's a core Zach?

I'm going to blow. Here's two big heavy hitters doing a lot for the name. De La Roca, Galifianakis. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Two big. Two big players. Two big counterculture Zach personalities.

Two pussies. Very funny special, Zach Galifianakis, before he got too huge, live from the Purple Onion, was it? Is that what it's called? Yeah. Very funny. Yeah, it is. I don't know if it's on any streaming or anything,

but if you have the means to track it down and watch it somehow, that's a big recommendation from the two of us because it's like a special and then there's is it it's a separate thing right it's like a film special and then there's like a thing on the dvd that's him on the road kind of fucking around yeah and and then he's doing like a documentary yeah about his like a fake pretending to be his brother it's it's not not so much that part of it but just the – he films a gig that he does where, you know, he's a joke-telling comic, but out of all of that, you see quite a bit of it. And it's a great gig, but then he only does about six or seven jokes. I think there's a lot of very stupid crowd work and stuff that I was like, man, if I did a special like that, that's how I would do it.

Not in a stadium, not in a fucking huge theatre, in this stupid little bar. That's big of you. I wouldn't want to do a stadium, honestly. I didn't mean it like that. I meant more like, you know. You have been locked up for too long. You've forgotten where things were at when you went in. What will be my first gig back, I wonder?

Which venue will I do? No, I more meant doing crowd work and being silly with it and whatever than the numbers-wise. But yes, but yes. No, I look at that very small gig of Zach Galifianakis and go, yeah, I'd hope to get it as big as that if I filmed a special. Yeah, check out Live at the Purple Onion.

I might re-watch it, actually. I haven't watched it in many many many years I reckon it is I reckon I spied it on a streaming service somewhere I reckon it's on

somewhere oh yeah yeah so have a look fuck he's funny what a shame I mean you know he's got bigger bigger things going on

but yeah what a shame that he just doesn't he just kind of stopped doing stand-up yeah yeah I would like to have seen him he's so fucking good at it

yeah anyway thank you very much to Patreon subscriber thanks Zach Lucas very much to Patreon subscriber. Thanks, Zach Lucas. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Kelly Bub. Okay.

Yeah. Wow. All right. K-E-double-L-I Yep. Space. That's thrown me off. Yeah.

Go on. B-U Double B Wow Double B Yeah What a weird name Sorry Kelly But what a weird name

So This person's ancestors were Babies? At some stage yes Yeah Well They I mean That's what they did professionally yeah they must have been perpetual babies in which case they were how did the how did the lineage ever ever continue on

speaking about presumption i mean god for someone to name themselves after you well we were we were the babies you know it's like well you weren't fucking robinson caruso there there's a there's a lot of that going around throughout history with everyone really there's a case to be made that everyone has probably been there at some stage um do you get tripped out looking at your because this is what i was thinking seeing this two year old two week old today do you get tripped out looking at your baby and this is like? And this is like a very basic like stoner thought, but like seeing your three-year-old run around and being like, God, this thing has got no fucking idea.

And then realizing, yeah, that was me at one point. Yeah. I was that. It's pretty fucking trippy, don't you think? Not so much that. What I get is like, so she's not three, she's two and a half. I get the sort of thing of like, because, you know, she's learning a different, this is a pretty spongy state, I think, where she's learning something new every day where it's

like, you know, I almost feel like I'm on eggshells going, fuck, I better not teach her something too fucked right now because she might, this might form her whole personality. Like if I, like, you know, if I accidentally shit my pants in front of her, all of a sudden that normalizes shitting my pants in front of my child and then my child is just thinking that's normal and can't get rid of it from their head. And it's like, no, I remember my dad shitting his pants and that's fine. So I'll be doing that throughout the rest of my life.

But the beauty of it is, is that by you doing that, you're, you're having an effect whether you want to or not. So by you doing that, what you are actually doing is instilling in her a thing of like a repressed memory where one day she's going to be like, that seemed really reluctant to like teach me anything.

Yeah. Yeah. It was always like so nervous around me and was like always like didn't i i don't know really no i always thought it was like me in some way just didn't speak in case he taught me the wrong thing which is why i only learned to talk when i was seven um yeah yeah it's weird it is i'm very conscious of the butterfly effect i'm like like, yeah, I fuck around with her and then I'm like, oh, is that the right thing to be doing? I don't know what the right thing to be doing is.

Because it's like I'm in lockdown. I'm trying to get laughs, you know. So I'm trying to do stupid things with her the whole time and getting the laughs. So I'm desperately trying to be, you know, the funny one in the family and get some cheap laughs but i don't know if that's teaching her the wrong thing because i'm just well that's you know but the but the butterfly effect is like it's happening whether you with you know whether you're trying to

make it happen or not it's unavoidable yeah you know what i mean and i'm going for cheap laughs i'm tickling her like non-stop so i don't know whether it's like she's going to grow up and just have this fucking fetish or what but she's uh yeah – yeah, I don't really have enough good gear. She doesn't know what a duck sandwich is yet. So I'm not getting much out of her with the verbal stuff. So it's just straight to tickling at the moment. It's just slapstick. Yeah.

All your years at Gourlier are really coming in handy now. So you're doing a few like sort of tumbles and all that kind of shit. The two years I did majoring in peekaboo are coming up really handy at the moment. Alright, well thanks Bub. Thanks Bubby. Thanks Kelly Bubby.

Kelly Bubby. No, no. Bubby, go no, no. No, no Bubby. Good Bubby. Thank you. Thanks Bubby. No, no. Bubby, go no, no. No, no, Bubby. Good Bubby. Thank you. Thanks, Bubby. Thank you to Patreon subscriber. Wow. Paul Smith.

Oh, fucking hell. Paul Smith. We've got our work cut out for us on this one. Well, I mean, that is a brand, isn't it? That's a brand of clothing, isn't it? I was wondering if this was another Zach or Jack scenario. But yeah, Paul Smith is a brand. Is Paul Smith a little...

No, I'm thinking of something else. Yeah, Paul Smith. It's like a menswear. It's a menswear brand. Yeah, what is it? It's English-y, isn't it? It's like that. Is it sort of hipster sort of... Not hipster, but like, I don't know.

Not hipster. It's like old man hipster, I guess. Yeah. I keep thinking like Austin Powers-y sort of almost. No. I don't know how to describe it. It's like, it's definitely like, it's like the dad, it's the dad at the school gates who in his head he's like,

I've still got it. I'm still keeping up with trends. Right. I'm not daggy. I'm not a daggy dad. Right. But it's like once you're wearing Paul Smith, it's like I think you've crossed a certain threshold.

Right. Like no like 25-year-old is rocking Paul Smith. I reckon when I was, like, literally when I was 25 or maybe a bit younger, I'm sure I had, like, mates that were into it or, yeah, there was some sort of association, I think, with Paul Smith. Well, I mean, maybe, you know, I mean, yeah, maybe it's… Having said that, those people are now 45, so maybe that's why. You've seen my mates walking around with Paul Smith on Well, I mean, maybe, you know, I mean, yeah, maybe, maybe it's. Having said that, those people are now 45. So maybe that's why.

You've seen my mates walking around with Paul Smith on still and gone. That's for 45-year-olds. That's for dads. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just looking it up here. For all of its modern design, most of its clothes are timeless.

That's largely because even in his 70s, Smith still designs his brand's clothes. Ah, well, there you's clothes so there you go if you're trying to be like a if you're trying to be a hip young thing you're getting around in clothes designed by a 70 year old man a retired granddad has designed your little fucking shirt so don't think you're too cool i'm now looking up i'm now looking up um i've got into the millionaires facebook group i'm now looking up who paul smith is couldn't be further away from wearing paul smith clothes he is a truck driver in perth and he's got he's he's got a fucking monster truck looking thing as his profile picture with a anzac lest we forget sign on the side of it.

That is, he couldn't be further away from Paul Smith clothing collection, I reckon. He's probably going to bash us for even knowing that Paul Smith is a fashion brand. Yes. I don't fucking want to give money to two poofters. Yeah. I've gone over the Nullarbor to flush Dave Cullen's head down the toilet and as an exchange program he's driven his

fucking dirt bike over here to flush my head down the toilet now exactly yeah yeah yeah yeah well you know maybe he

maybe he earns good money truck driving and he you know and he buys a few fuck Paul Smith clothing is expensive

yeah I'm just looking it up damn he's a $400 t-shirt that looks like shit. Yuck. Yeah, sorry, Paul. Sorry, big Paul. I love that.

That must be so funny to be someone that is the absolute opposite of an item that has your name. Like if there was like something that you hate, like if all of a sudden there was like, you know, I don't know, what the fuck would there be that I hate? How do I narrow it down? Oh, okay. No, I'll tell you a great example. The main character in a new Star Wars film being called. Oh, there we go.

Yes. That's a good example. That would be your like your Twilight Zone horror movie. Say Jar Jar Binks actually came out and his name was carl chandler instead of jar jar binks not only in star wars but like the worst like far and away like the worst bit of it although maybe maybe you would be able to take some kind of um you know you'd be able to be okay with that because it's like he's ruining the franchise a bit. The diehards of Star Wars fucking hate Jar Jar Binks.

So that being the character that's named after you, you could be like, well, this is good that the nerds hate me at least. Yeah, but still, imagine having that. You're still in it. That's in the culture. Like everyone else thinks of my name as the worst thing in Star Wars and just the worst thing ever in anything. And it's like...

What would be worse? Like, what would be worse, that or like if Jabba the Hutt had been called Carl Chandler, this big fat piece of shit pig? That's pretty bad. Yeah. I still think that Jar Jar Binks would be worse. I still think that that would be worse because you're in Star Wars. It sucks shit

yeah and every time too because they've all got like such big sci-fi names and then one of them's just like an ordinary dude name like one of these aliens oh that's this like very normal human imagine that imagine if george lucas had had a grown up and he's just deliberately, he's just created on purpose the most fucked character of all time. And again, yeah, he's not given it some sort of alien name. He's just named it after some cunt that annoyed him in year 11. Just gone, right. Somebody bullied him.

That's him. That fucking idiot that tripped me over outside of Home Ec that time. That's him from now on. That'd be great. That must be so tempting if you were, you know, when we buy a bar in Thailand, we take over our Koh Samui bar, that's what we're going to do. Let's make one cocktail that just tastes like absolute dog shit and we'll name it after a person we don't like.

Yeah, it's got piss from the rooster living in the shed out the back and it's like, yeah, there's two. There's one named after the big high school bully of me and the one named after the big high school bully of you. Yeah, and there's, oh, you know, we named it after the worst guest we've ever had. Oh! And we can say that from now on we go hey just

before we do an episode with everyone we go are you guys right you're hitting you got zoom you you're right to record from your end yep yep also just before we start um just to motivate you if you suck today we're going to name a a cocktail full of rooster piss after you okay and go welcome into the little club um no we don't even do the intro we just kick it off by going so what else is going on just handball it to them and then have them go oh oh um i don't know yeah i don't know what to talk about great yeah um yeah that'd be that'd be fucking awesome well thanks paul paul smith just as a as a last little thing paul smith uh from perth truck driver right into his uh whatever the fuck i don't even know what the cars he's into are called the stock stock cars

or something like that um yeah i i did wonder the other day how many of our listeners would be anti-vax, but yeah, look, if I had to pick anyone to be anti-vax, a Perth truck driver would be right up there. But happy to be proved wrong, Paul Smith. Let us know. No, actually, let us know if you're pro-vax. Don't let us know if you're anti-vax. I don't want to know. I don't want to know, actually, let us know if you're pro-vax. Don't let us know if you're... I don't want to know.

I don't want to know, actually. Well, I mean, he's still subscribing and we've been talking about it. You know, we've been talking about the vax and saying anti-vaxers are fucking morons for a little while now. So you would have to presume if he was, you know, if he was... If he took that much... If he was anti-vax and he took umbrage with us saying that, you know, maybe he wouldn't be subscribing to the Patreon anymore. I would say this. If you're anti-vax and that sort of stuff, you are surrounded by nearly,

you know, most culture, most entertainment people that are pro-vax. You would be absolutely inundated with it. Like you'd be almost, you'd have to be, if you're right'd be almost you'd have to be if you're right minded you have to be sort of like i'm just blocking that i just can't yeah be angry with everyone you're left with very few options yeah yeah you're only i mean fucking at this stage probably kid rock is probably pro vax i don't know there's there's some some some scarce entertainers out there that you know you've got the cunt from fat pizza and that's about it that's uh i think at the moment i don't know there's not so he's anti-vax yeah that's what i heard what i i have seen in the states a lot of like people on tour um be like who i as far as i

can tell they have had the vax but then they've done a gig where the venue is requiring that everyone be vaxed or have gotten a negative test result in the last 24 hours. And they've, some bands will put out stuff and go, hey, this is it. So this is how we can all be safe. But then I saw a comedian in the States recently have to do that, be like, guys, I'm really sorry to have to tell you this. Not my, I would never tell you guys what to do. Wasn't guys i'm really sorry to have to tell you this not my i would never tell you guys what to do wasn't my decision but if you're coming to the show you're gonna have to be vaxxed i'm very sorry i would never want to do this and it's like whoa that is that is that says a lot about your audience that you feel like you've got to say to them like oh stepping back

to the venue it's not me well is this is this came out today, but we have a friend of the show that's, you know, I was wondering, you know, let alone the audience, but the guests. I was wondering if we had any guests that are anti-vax, and that's been confirmed today. Friend of the show. What's his fucking name now? I can't remember his name. The bloke from Saturday Night Live.

He was on one episode once. He did The Voices. He was on Half Baked. Oh, Jim Brewer? Jim Brewer, Antivax. Oh, is he really? Yes. Wow.

So confirmed. I don't know how many guests we've had all up over the years. I'm assuming maybe like 200, maybe? I don't know how many guests we've had all up over the years i'm assuming maybe like 200 maybe i don't know maybe less than that maybe 150 to 200 there's one confirmed anti-vax i wonder if we've got wonder if we've got any more out there wow yeah cancels cancel shows at venues requiring covid vaccination yeah Yeah. Oh, my Lord. That is, yeah. So it's, wow, it's, we've got two confirmed.

It's Jim Brewer and Kappa now that are anti-vax confirmed. I wonder if there's anyone else. Sorry, anti-shower. Sorry, but I got them mixed up. Water, the original vaccine. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Yeah. All right.

Yeah, I want to know. I want to know if there's anyone else out there that guest-wise. But thanks, Paul Jones. No, what's his name? Paul Smith, not Paul Jones. Thanks, Paul Smith. All right, let's just do one more. I've got to get out of here.

It's getting late. You've got to edit. Yeah. We're recording this the night before It comes out in the morning So you've got a little bit of Stuff to do So let's get out of here

Let's just do one more Alright Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Number five for this week Last cab off the rank Oh okay Oh wow

Okay well it's sort of I guess This is similar to something. Yeah, all right. Maybe this is linked in a little. There's two in a row, similar ones. Okay, all right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tommy Hilfiger Comedy. Oh, nice.

Yeah. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Pretty cool brand. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting that he's put his middle name, Hilfiger, in there. Yeah. I guess that's so we don't mix him up with all the other people called Tommy Comedy that have subscribed over the years.

Yes. There's a lot. There's a lot. A lot of – like, you know, that's – we've got even – I'm just searching now. We've got – wow, that's even more than the people called Sam. We've got – More than Sam. even more than the people called Sam. We've got 23 people called Tommy Comedy that have subscribed. That have subscribed, yeah.

Yeah, right. So this is like, you know, when Michael J. Fox called himself Michael J. Fox, it was because there was already something called Michael Fox in the system. Right. So that's why Tommy has done, Tommy Hilfiger Comedy has done this, obviously, so we don't mix him up. Well, thanks, Tommy Hilfiger Comedy, and thanks, everyone, so we don't mix him up. Well, thanks, Tommy Hilfiger Comedy, and thanks, everyone who supports the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon.

Head over to patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub right now. Get yourself the two bonus episodes every week. Guys, thank you very much for listening, and we will see you next time. See you, mates. See you, mates.