The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 573 - Harley Breen & Brett Blake

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

It's the return of old mates BRETT BLAKE and HARLEY BREEN! We're recording in a very surprising way this week, as we hear about Karl and Brett's troubles in a bottle shop and Blakey holds court with an epic yarn about an attempted heist in suburban Perth. PLUS Tommy's neighbours have been breaking the restrictions, and young Brett has been collecting bees. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Brett Blake and Harley Breen. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com. You can find links to our merchandise. You can also find a link to our Patreon. You can get two bonus mini episodes every week so you get more content. You get to support the show that you enjoy. We are going to talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new one. Harley Breen and Brett Blake.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Are you late again? And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back into the show, Brett Blake and Harley Breen.

Yes, very special. Yes. Special in the head. I love this fucking... The Bash Brothers. I love this fucking Zoom update. It feels like we're in the room, doesn't it? We're all vaxxed. We've all got 5G and lightning speed.

We are vaxxed. I don't believe in it. Sorry, guys. Oh, that was you walking past me in Bridge Road yesterday. Oh, yeah, yeah. Do we say this up top? This is a very weird situation where, look, we're essentially presented by Spleen, Spleen Bar,

Burke Street in Melbourne today because we are in there because there is some fucking weird rule that you found, Tommy. Restrictions eased modestly in Melbourne on Thursday. We've been in lockdown for about two months now and really the only major changes were you can go further than five kilometres now and you can meet up with a couple of people for a picnic. And then buried in the rules, I found a thing for entertainment which says that five people can be in a venue for a broadcast.

I don't know who this is technically meant to be for, but here we fucking are, folks. Absolutely bizarre. Broadcasting. Is that you can have five people and we've got so many mates that have been locked down and desperate to get out and you went, fuck it, we'll just do four. I did for a moment go, should we just stretch this out

and just do a three guest episode? The worst part is there's just an empty chair right there, ready to go. I was waiting for someone else. In fact, some would say a comedian walked past us before in the alleyway and we still didn't like him. So it is, it's weird. Real disrespectful shit.

So we're allowed in here. It's a strange thing but we just thought let's get an IRL episode done. I don't know how we convinced Spleen to let us in there because our selling point was just let us in

because it's in the rules and they're like, alright, well I guess you guys can come in. You're the rules. They got fuck all else to do. You know what I mean?

Yeah, Spose will fucking dust the place down. I love this new, because it often can be quite hard to book this show. People have stuff on or they just won't get back to us. But now that there's this weird loophole where doing a podcast is one of the few excuses you have to leave the house and see other people, all of a sudden this show is the hottest ticket. People are going to be beating down our door to be in this. You know what it's like.

There's some guests that we get into the pandemic, we could never book them, and we get into the pandemic, no one can do anything. We're like, can you be on the show? Nah, busy. Are you? Or do you fucking hate us? All these chronic alcoholics just go, guys, we need to start a podcast. Yeah, yes.

We found a loophole. I guess I'll talk about my feelings and shit. Yeah, yeah, we need to start a podcast. Yeah, yes. We found a loophole. Yes. I guess I'll talk about my feelings and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just do what I do and do a podcast with a radio company and then you can go out two times a week. Do you know why? Because I'm an essential worker because radio stations need to have emergency broadcasting.

I don't know if you've listened to my podcast. People need icy cans of Coke all the time. FM radio is essential because you need to listen to it in the morning as you drive to fucking nowhere. I forgot how manic the first IRL pod after Zoom was, but somehow there's more cross-talking than there is on the internet. Everyone revved up and just shouting over the top of each other. What do you want to say? I've just been trained by my three children,

which is what it feels like right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hurtful, but true. My nappy needs changing. I did a cummy before we started. You came in your nappy. I came in my nappy. It's a real horny baby.

Oh, this is really fucking me up. Yeah, I did a cummy in my nappy. But you, Harley, I called you yesterday and you were like, you were in here like a bat out of hell. Three kids in lockdown. You couldn't have been more excited. Meanwhile, we've got Brett Blake, partner trapped in another country, bouncing around the walls of his house.

You two could not be at more opposite ends of the spectrum. But I feel like we're still doing both the amount of heavy drinking. Yes. One appropriate and for me, not so much. I wait until the kids go to bed for their morning nap. And then I really honk him. When I chloroform him out in the lounge room so Daddy can get the job done. You're chloroforming yourself, to be fair.

Brett's on his sixth wank of the day by then. Yeah, it's 9am. What else? Of course, baby. You told us before that you're actually cutting down in this lockdown. Your partner's away. You've been in the house by yourself. This is your time to shine.

Look, if anyone's shocked by this, it's me. Maybe it's old age. I'm so much an alcoholic now, my dick doesn't even want to get up. So you're going to start taking Viagra so you can get back to 10 wanks a day? No, I took Viagra as a joke just to see if it would work, but all it did was give me a real red face. So, yeah, I won't be taking any Viagra. Did you?

I took it as a joke just to see if it would work. I took it as a joke just to actually test the practical benefits. Yeah, just to test. I don't believe in science. I don't trust it. I don't trust the vaccine. I don't trust Viagra. Just a test of product

that's been out in the market for 30 years. You know what I mean? That's a joke. That's a joke. I was just like, does it actually work? You know what I mean?

Hang on, hang on. I'm just going to, as a joke, I'm just going to take a sip of this beer. Well, you know, he's got us. He's done it.

All the people who cracked first, it was you. As a joke, you took Viagra and all that happened is the end of your dick went bright red, is what you said before. I had it. I was like, I wanted to see if you just got an instant boner

and you were walking around with a boner. But what happened was... If it was made by Acme, that was like supplied to the roadrunner, getting an instant fucking boner. I got a red face and then I had... Because you're embarrassed about being hard. Yeah, it was the first time my dick had been hard. I went back to being a 15-year-old boy at school

and then I forgot I had it and I just went out to dinner. Oh. Yeah. So what happened? You forgot you had the erection. No, I think you've got to be aroused. Yes, you do. I went out to a full meal.

Viagra only works with arousal. Okay. So it's not just a... You can't just slip it in someone's drink and then all of a sudden they're walking around with a hard-on knocking doors over. Okay. So that's what I thought it was and I wanted...

Guys, I'm a scientist. I check all these prescription medications for you. I report back. It's like hypnotism. Because that's what they say about when you get hypnotised on stage and you're sort of like... You can't be against it. You have to sort of be like

oh yeah I guess maybe I can be a participant I guess I can be a chicken I guess I guess I can be horny so that's what it is it's like dick hypnotism

yes it was right right Viagra is dick hypnotism and then all night everyone was like why have you got a red face and I couldn't be like I took Viagra

actually why do you have a red face because isn't all the blood supposed to rush to your dick so why is it rushing to your fucking face well maybe I'm a bloody dickhead. Hey! Maybe it took when you were doing a handstand

and it all rushed to that area. Yeah, go on, my neck, I'm going to... Because he said you've got to be aroused and he wasn't aroused. So the blood was all just like, fuck, we've got to go somewhere. Oh, right. Make his head erect.

Right, you're only looking at ugly people. He's just got one hand up like Hitler. All the blood is in my brain. Because he took it so he could have a wank and so his hand went hard. I love your version of your reboot of Aussie Mythbusters where it's just you testing medication. Things that work.

I've got a headache. Time to take a pain off. Get me a fucking YouTube channel. I left my family for this. It actually worked. I've got a headache. Time to take a pan off. Give me a fucking YouTube channel like that. I left my family for this. Blakey. I've got a fucking prescription going for you that I give you, and there's one coming your way as well.

Let's not be too harsh on him with Judge Holmes. Try before you buy. Blakey's reboot of Mythbusters, but it's just Factbusters. It's just him trying out things that we all know is true already hey fever's flaring up yeah better have an antihistamine okay that's fixed it yeah short episode this week sorry guys and every week i'm kind of like ass jeeves but cooler how are you going with invermectin yeah what no big words please i haven't had my viagra the blood the blood around my brain he can't spell big words or hear them. Invermectin? What?

That's the drug of choice for people who are anti-vaccine. They're like, I'll take Invermectin. Even though there's a whole lot of scientists saying, hey, we've developed this vaccine with a whole lot of peer reviews. It's gone through all the different studies. And they're like, yeah, I'm going to take this drug that was designed for horse worming. Yeah. I like their vibe.

That's what's going on at the moment. I'll try it out for them. I'll get back to them. See how it goes. But no, you're not an idiot. You turned up to the exhibition centre and asked for your shot of perfissa. Oh, shut up, Tony.

I'm not an idiot. I'm getting the smart person one. What was it for the ages I kept saying to you and I was like, the beetroot advocate? And you're like, it's the smart person one. What was it for the ages I kept saying to you, and I was like, the beetroot advocate? And you're like, it's the fucking batuta. It's the fucking batuta. I kept saying it to you, and you're like, I don't know what you're talking about.

You know, I was like, you know that satirical thing? The beetroot? The beetroot advocate. It's the batuta, you fucking moron. I was like, shut up. I think about that. You know that moment before you go to bed, and you think about it without thinking you did?

It's honestly a conversation that keeps popping up when I'm mad with you. I have no recollection of that ever. It's the best. I probably wasn't talking to you. I was probably out of my brain. I was horny. Here's your next embarrassing thing. That wasn't Dastla.

That was your mum. That's how fucked up you are. Your mum's hot. She comes in a diaper all the time. Well, Blakey, I've been going for walks with you. I've been going for a little bit of exercise, like once a week. Yes, you are my bubble buddy. As I said, it's taking a harsh toll on my mental health.

Many people said... Because you guys are almost neighbours. Yeah, we're on the same road. Yeah. First lockdown, Carl would come over, eat a full pizza in front of me and my partner, then leave the fucking rubbish and just walk away. Leave some shit.

He bought Tiger Crystal. Tiger Crystal. Tiger Crystal. Heard of that? He probably has it. Okay, so that should be the first episode of your show, just to test if this is the worst beer in the world. And yes, it is.

I did try it the other week, and it is fucking shit. It's the first time I've put a full... You look like you'd love Crystal, though. A's the first time I've put You look like you'd love Crystal though A different one Tommy? No you look like you'd make Crystal Yeah yes yes There we go I'm getting a lot of judgement I was walking around Richmond yesterday

People thought I was Had a very Actually Silly vibe about me You look like a person Who would name Crystal Tiger Crystal Going fuck

What's the sickest name We can call this We'll name this drug after Tiger People think they can join together Tiger Crystal Can we call this Be aest name we can call this we'll name this Tiger Tiger Crystal can we call this be a glass barbie is that allowed fuck

so yeah so we've been we've been a bubble not so much bubble buddy like coming inside you to my place or vice versa

leave it outside we go for a walk go for a walk you know you have your backpack full of beer I like that energy I was doing it way before lockdown. Yeah.

Yeah. Like, why not? Inside your own house. Yeah, yeah. So we've been going for a walk. Last week we went for a big walk. We went through the CBD with a backpack full of beers. Made a lot of friends that weekend.

Yeah. But it was quite funny that it was a nice little touch of being back to normal in that all the restrictions are up, it's all happening, we're walking through, it's like a desolate wasteland in the city but we still managed to get you kicked out of a liquor land. You got kicked out of a liquor land

during lockdown? Yes. That's unconstitutional. I actually thought you wouldn't bring this up but anyway. Did you do something that should have stayed private with Carl? And you thought... And I've been in lockdown for six weeks doing nothing. Mate, I love you, but right now I'm going to say this with such sincerity,

you stupid cunt. Why would you trust him? Taking advantage of the guy with a mental disability. Thank you. We've both got it. One of my true passions in life and a fan of this podcast had caught me in that moment before in Adelaide. I was on a scooter on the road and a taxi driver goes, hey, mate, you can't ride them

on the road. And I said, what does that say on the side of your car? And he said, taxi. I said, that's right. It doesn't say police. So fuck off, cunt. I thought you were genuinely asking what i said but yes fair enough i will wear that as well but i love to tell someone to fuck off cunt it's like this makes me happy yeah and a man in a shop gave me that opportunity yes i came in i came he came to two i came at a ten absolutely

i cannot believe i was the voice of reason. This guy was telling you to... You got kicked out of Lickaland. You were one foot into Lickaland. You had one foot in Lickaland and you got kicked out. What had you done? Not put a mask on? No, it was some... So we were street drinking, of course.

Yes. And then I finished the beer. I put it into the recycling bin like a fucking sane human being but then Carl Carl walks into the Carl walks into the liquor land

and then there's two security guards just going you like saying and I kind of loosely get what's going on like you weren't allowed to get served

because you were with someone who was street drinking yeah yeah yeah I was I was getting kicked out as well because i was with you who hadn't even walked into liquor land yet so i was getting kicked out for you and i'm in there arguing going this cannot be legal how can i be kicked out because of that cunt out there hanging around the and i heard him say legal and i was like well well well well, well, the lawyer is here and ready to go. Here comes Perry Mason. Yeah, yeah. I don't get that reference, but good on you. There's some real hot legal terminology as he walks in as well within five seconds.

That's a real current shit. Oi, cunt. Oh, your lawyer's wearing an Adidas tracksuit. Fair enough. I actually, no, no, it wasn't. It was a Dickies one. But yeah, I go in and I get a I get a vibe

of what's going on and uh I went to go get a beer or something and the guy's like no we can't I was like we can't serve you

I was like surely like I was like I drank a beer outside and I can't serve your mate and he goes no no we can't do it it's against the law

I was like what the fuck has it got to do with you what happens if I had a bottle of wine at home? What has it got anything to do with you if I'm at home? I'm furious on your behalf. Thank you. Name the fucking bottle shop.

BWS. BWS in the city. Was it BWS? No, no. We went to BWS after that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know what it was? It was Liquorland.

I just said that. That's what you said. I've been saying it the whole time. That brings me to the story I was telling you the other night. Anyway, but we'll get It was Liquorland. I just said that. I've been saying it the whole time. That brings me to the story I was telling you the other night. Anyway, but we'll get back to Liquorland. Yes, yes, we will. We will. No, but this is what I was...

Fuck, double Liquorland story. Fuck them. This is why I was so impressed by getting kicked out. Because this is like the worst Liquorland in Melbourne that you got kicked out of. This is the one on the corner of Elizabeth and Flinders. Like they've seen some shit. Ground zero of deros. Like two blokes who've rocked upers. Like they've seen some shit. Ground zero of deros. Like two blokes who've rocked up who look like they've recently

had showers. Like surely, roll the red carpet out for us. Come on. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You do not look like you've had a shower. In comparison. In comparison. I was like, it's got nothing to do with you,

what I do. I didn't say can at that time. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. You're legal parents. You don't show them all your cards, Charlie. You know what I mean? You're saying the statement.

You leave terminology like that for your summation at the end, don't you? I want to impress them that you know what you're talking about. You're one of these cunts. To be honest, I don't remember a lot of it. I was quite drunk. So they were probably well within their rights. In hindsight, yes, they were correct. But in the moment, absolutely not.

It does seem very odd that they can bar me from buying something because they see me in vicinity of someone outside doing something. That seemed very weird to me. So I said, is this a thing? And the guy's like, yeah, yeah. And then like i don't i fucking hate security staff and yes whatever as you're screaming at the security staff as i've pressed them you're screaming at them they're fucking kicking off they're going bonkers then i turn to the actual guy on the till and go is this right in any way he goes yeah he's right and i'll go sorry boys we better go now and then

so i realized we had nowhere to go but then i just i had i got to have my little moment yeah in the sun and i've been smiling about it for weeks and he was just standing there and i said fuck you cunt yes and then he moved forward to go punch me or wanted to punch me but then he realized he couldn't and then i smiled in his face and walked out yeah and left me alone with him. And I've been having the best week ever. It's made me so happy. Left me with him. Yeah. And then we walked around the corner, then walked into another place, then we walk into

another place that's around the block that's sort of basically, you know, you walk around and then we get in there, we go to walk in and then you for a second think it's the same fucking place that we've just done a lap of. Are we going back into the same liquor shop? You go to go into the same place in your head and you go, oh, is this you fucking cunts again? And the guy's like, what? This is a completely different business,

but you're just fucking calling another security guy a cunt to start with. And now I'm on the side of people in the original liquor lane. No, no, no. But then I said, how's your night gone, mate? He goes, it's pretty quiet. I said, mate, you should move to that other liquor shop. Yeah, no, no, no. But then I said, how's your night gone, mate? He goes, it's pretty quiet. I said, mate, you should move to that other liquor shop. Yeah, yeah.

Bit of stuff gone on there. Well, not anymore. Now that we're here, you should stay here. And I was like, oh, this is a nice beer. Just trying to act so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is like the most action this bottle shop's seen in months. It's Saturday night, bottle shop in the city. They were probably sitting around just before this going, fuck, I'd love to see some action. Oh, they... Fucking boring in here. It would have been a weird situation because there was three

people behind the tilts, two security guards just facing each other in not a big liquor land either. It's literally the size of this room in Spleen. It was the shittest bottle shop. That establishment is owned by Coles. If that was owned by an independent, there is

no way they'd turn you away for any fucking reason whatsoever. And nor should they. No. That's all we've got. Also, 90% of your fucking

customers on that street would be in the same state I was. You know what I mean? You're losing a big chunk of the market. I agree. We were the best clientele

I had seen for weeks. Exactly. This is also, it's like there's a curfew in Melbourne at the moment for anyone who doesn't know. 9pm is also It's like there's a curfew In Melbourne at the moment If anyone doesn't know 9pm So it's like

You're coming in Let's wrap this shit up Absolutely cut What time It's like 7.15 Yeah You're coming in Just fucking

Yes Tommy But I started drinking At 10am mate So everything's scalable You start earlier I'm fucking unemployed At the moment What else am I supposed to do

Deal with my feelings No So what's your other What's your other time You've been kicked out Of a liquor land You were saying Oh no

So this is what because when we got out of there this is a big multinational scene yeah we're fuming we're fuming about this and we're going

and that's all and then we we go to walk home and we're walking through the MCG and this this reminds Blake I was fuming

I was loving it yeah you're walking through the MCG yeah we had a kick they put up some banners we ran through the paper yeah

they say Blake he's coming home. Yes, boys, I did it. I told him to fuck off. Took a bit of turf, posted it back to Perth. Stretch the hamstrings. Yes, get me in there, boys. But this reminded you of you. You were telling me out of nowhere that you used to work for a bottle shop.

No, for coal. Was it for? No, so I used to work for a freight company. I don't think they exist anymore. Having a look at the way you look right now, I find that hard to believe. Harley, you would not believe this, but I have a forklift license.

Also, you're basically dressed the same. I am the smaller version of you, okay? So I used to work at a freight company. Now, to get an idea at a freight company. Now, to get an idea of this freight company's vibe, right, when I got a job there, my mate's dad got me the job, and on the application you had to fill out this form on the computer, and one of the questions was to figure out you weren't a numpty,

is if you find a gun on the conveyor belt, do you A, pick it up and start shooting it take it home and show your mates or something like that or c report to it you know they're always the same report to head of management and blah blah blah blah blah blah and as a joke i said as a joke pick it up start shooting it it. Classic joke. You taking Viagra, picking up guns and shooting them. I was like, come on, boys. We're fucking low-frequency. Have a laugh. And rock hard pictures.

So I thought it would be funny and everyone would get a good razz. Because obviously you can't do that. Hang on. So where are you doing this? In an application form? Yeah, yeah. You don't have a job yet. So you're making a joke in your application form.

They want someone's fucking lunchroom, a bit of ban job. You don't have the job yet. So you're making a joke in your application form. That's what they want. They want someone's fucking lunchroom, a bit of banter. He's funny. He gets it. Move on. Yeah, that's what they want. Actually, they want people to employ that don't shoot guns

in their fucking workplace. I would have thought. It's such an obvious... It's not... They gave me the job. All right? That's what I'm saying. Okay.

That puts it into... Were you holding the gun at the time? Yes. It may have swayed them. What kind of freight company is this? The people are just... I was shipping guns.

I was about to say... Also, who are the applicants that are not getting the job when some kind of going, yes, I'm picking up a gun and shooting it in a factory. Exactly. You are currently looking at the cream of the crop. So, it all leads into the next story You should have picked up the gun

And started firing it in liquor land We might have got a fucking slap So Me and my mate were working on this conveyor belt And A box fell off the conveyor belt And all this cash And I had a gun in it

All this cash came out of this Out of this box Right But we're looking at it And we're like Fuck what the fuck is this And it was It gun in it. All this cash came out of this box. Right. But we're looking at it and we're like, fuck, what the fuck is this? And it was, well, fuck them. I don't like them anyway. It was Coles cash.

It was Coles cash. No, I don't remember this. Coles cash. Yeah, it might have been a Western Australian thing. So it looked like Monopoly money. Right. But it was Coles cash. Two, five, ten, twenty, whatever. Is this one of these weird things about Western Australia Wanting to secede from the rest of Australia?

Yes With our own currency With these vouchers that you could use as real money So we didn't know what the fuck they were yet Because there was no ads about it But we were like I reckon you could probably figure it out Coles cash

And Carl, we did And so, you know, we borrowed some of that cash That we found on the floor that day. So you found it on the floor after you opened a box and emptied it onto the floor? Yeah, all of the above. What's great about you saying that if you saw a gun in the workplace, you would pick it up and fire it, and then getting the job off that response? You don't have to feel bad about anything you do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything that you do that's cruel. You're just like, you hired me after I said this is on you fucking yeah yeah yeah this is comparatively just taking money out of a fucking box if any dying yeah i'm the victim here in this story i'm the victim yeah yeah i feel like that's a step too far no no i think it's a step not enough. So please don't victim shame me. So I saw all this cash, me and my mate, you know, cash. Kish. Kills kish.

We borrowed it. And then weeks later, there was an ad. So it says Coles Cash. So if you spend $100 at Coles, we'll give you $5 Coles Cash. Oh, okay. If you spend $200, we'll give you $10 Coles cash. If you spend $200, we'll give you $10 Coles cash. Now, we had $3,500 worth of Coles cash. Really? That's a lot of

Coles cash. It's a lot of Coles cash. That's even a lot of cash. That is cash. It doesn't matter what number it's in. It's cash. Yeah, it's not heaps, but all the others. $3,500. West Australian dollars. West Australian dollary dues. So Daddy is quite minted at this time.

And then we go... So what's the currency translation between normal cash and Coles cash? Is it one for one? It's exchange rate. It's a dollar for dollar. A dollar for dollar. You just imagine how many meegaw rings you can buy with that. Oh, my God. Wait, no.

What was it? You spend $100 and you get... $100. I don't know. That's how you earn it. That's not what it's worth. You earn it. It's still worth a dollar. Dollar for dollar. I remember the campaign. It was a dollar for dollar.

Interesting. You spend $100, they give you $5 back. So basically it costs you $95. But the voucher is only to be spent within Coles. Or Liquorland, which is your favourite. Well, this brings me to the story. Because we went into the Coles. I pick up my gun

and I shoot everyone at the end. But Because we went into the Coles. I pick up my gun. And I shoot everyone at the end. But I pay them off with Coles cash. If you shoot five people, you get five. I put the Coles cash in their wound. They're fine. So I go to Coles and I got this 20. So you're playing it sneaky. I test the water.

You've got a box full of Coles cash. Have you seen fucking Ocean's Eleven? They don't just fucking hit the casino straight away, do they? Okay, yeah, fair enough. So I go in there, I buy curly whirlies, you know, I have a good time. In Ocean's Eleven, have they got MGM money? Is that what they're using in that? I honestly haven't seen the film.

I bagged myself into a bad corner with that reference. in that? I honestly haven't seen the film and I bag myself into a bad corner with that reference so and then I've got 21 bucks

worth of stuff you know comes up 21 bucks oh one dollar more 20 I go oh yeah I've got the Coles cash and she's like

oh fuck that's a lot of money and I go oh yeah yeah some like in fives and I go oh you know me and my few mates you know

we did it we spent six grand at Coles and now we have no no no I love I love the

the Pov Coles you must have gone at where someone's impressed by a 20. We've got a betting syndicate, so we put our Coles cash into our betting syndicate. Oh, this is your backstory? Yeah, yes, of course I had a backstory. I'm not a fucking idiot. Yeah, sure. Yeah, okay. Isn't that all you're proving at whatever?

Don't you've been listening to this podcast? If you've just started listening to the podcast now, that might be believable. But if you listened earlier where he made his face into a dick. Guys, I'm getting bullied here. Well, what do you care? You're loaded with Coles cash. And a gun.

So don't fuck with me. Do not fuck with me. I'm a very volatile man. So you're there. You've got your curly whirlies. So I figure it out and I can see the lady. I said, you bought $21 worth of curly whirlies? Yeah, we really glossed over that bit. But that's a great detail.

No, you buy $25 of curly whirlies. I'm not a fucking psycho. I whacked a chomp in the equation in a twit. Oh, yum. I'm not a psycho. I'm just a man with a gun and a lot of stolen girls cash. So, and I said to the lady, she goes, oh, that makes sense. I said, does this work at Liquorland?

She goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all part of the same thing. Okay, so you're just buying Curly Wells at this point. You didn't know you could go next door. You can get alcohol. Now the game changes, my son. Because it's coal. It's kind of a drug.

It'll make me a bit high. To be fair, it is coal's cash. It's not Lick-A-Land cash, is it? It doesn't say Lick-A-Land cash. Yeah, okay. You could go... They sell those like Cooper's homebrew kits at Coles. So that would be a very long term way of getting out.

Hey, a win's a win. You know what I mean? Yeah. So you're armed with this discovery and a gun, and you move on. I have a chat to my business partner, Nassim, at the time. Nassim doesn't sound like a person who's into Coles Cash at Lickaland. But anyway. You know what?

Everything you assume about that man is correct. So we got the cash, and then we look up, where are all the liquor lands in our area? Right? So we find, we're like, there's no, we've got three. So it's worked at the Coles. You've got your $21 worth of chocolates. $21. It worked at Coles.

The lady, you know, stupidly gave away that it works at Liquorland. Yeah. Right? So then me and my mate got the phone book out or whatever. We figured out where the next 20 liquor lands were in our area because we had three and a half grand. Great. So you couldn't just go in there and give them three and a half,

another three and a half grand worth of fucking, you know, carton cold. You couldn't do it, right? Just buying Henry the 13th cognac. Yes. Hello, Squire. It's just like we have to hit them all at once because otherwise they're going to be on to us.

Yes, they're going to talk. There's going to be something. We've got to get in. We've got to get out. We've got to move. Move to the Cayman Islands with our eight slabs. Exactly.

So we find the place and we go, it's going to happen Saturday. So then we organise a party because my mate's got some acreage. We've got a big bonfire. We tell everyone, rock up.

It's going to be a party. There's free piss. Don't worry about bringing anything. The kings have got it sorted. You're irresponsible. Did you even bother looking into whether you could put Jack Daniels into your super fund at any stage? You've got to be thinking long term.

I'm not a long term guy, Carl. I'm short term. I'm short term. Oh, we can see that. So this is exactly like Ocean's Eleven, by the way. Thank you. This is spot on. And they drove around a TE Cortina as well?

Yes. Nice. So got the car. And they had a big bonfire. I remember George Clooney starting up the bonfire. It's not really Ocean's Eleven. It's sort of more the Fremantle 2. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the first Saturday I've ever gotten up before 10. So dad goes, what are you up to? And I said, look, I've got a plan. And I said, I've got some Coles cash. Doesn't matter how I got it. And he goes, I don't want to know what you're up to, but I'll have two cartons of Monteiths. I went, done.

Commission, fair enough. He's not going to tell mum. You bought him off. You bought him off. Yeah. It's like when you see the movies. You've paid off the cop. You've got the cop an envelope. You've bought him off. You've bought him off. It's like when you see the movies. You've paid off the cop. You've got the cop an envelope.

You've got the free pass. Right? Free pass. So me and Nassim start hitting all... I probably shouldn't say his name, but fuck it. He doesn't even call himself that anymore anyway, so it doesn't matter. You and Julie.

Pardon? You and Julie. Me and Julie. Julie. Thank you. Julie. You can go back, Tommy, and just edit Julie over the top. This won't take much of your time.

Do you mean Julia Roberts, by the way? Sure. Why not? This is so exciting. Brett buying $3,000 worth of booze with Coles cash. We're going to find out how we got the brain damage that we all made. I just realised that. This is so exciting.

A real Spider-Man origin story. I just realised that This is so exciting Look Once again A real Spider-Man origin story It's a little radioactive Spider Alcoholic The dark dumb cunt rises Yes Alright

Hear my journey story You fuckers I was in a hole in a pit Spider-Man got no home I climbed the way out Yeah Whatever I don't understand Batman

Anyway So We Dad's fine Good Got the Cortina We started We hit the first one

Hit the first shop But we didn't want to give it away So you've got the map of like 20 liquor lands 20 liquor lands And you're presumably there If you're up early You're there as they open As they open

First customers at the door First customer 10am Liquor shops open I'm there Now I don't want to look too sus. So you wait till five past ten. Exactly, guys.

Coming in with my monopoly. But also, the first of the land is if... Can we just all keep in mind that this is the Brett Blake that we know now. Yeah. The Brett Blake then wore fucking cardigans. That's right. Well, no. Hold on.

Because the Brett Blake that you give shit about the cardigans. That's right. Well, no. Because the Brett Blake that you give shit about the cardigans, Brett Blake was the same guy all along but then when he came to try and fit into comedy, he wore a cardigan and then he's come back to who he is. Because when I first met Brett Blake, he had the cardigan on and he was very well kept but he was

cosplaying as a comedian. He's the most famous Perth export at that point. I'm still a suburb, Brad. I was a cosplaying as a comedian. Yes. He thought... He's the most famous Perth export at that point. You're thinking, oh my God. So you thought that's what you had to dress like. Yeah. I'm still a suburb rat.

I was arrested when I was 14. I was on the front page of the West Australian newspaper. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm still the same piece of shit. As you were. Thank you. He wasn't this well-kept guy

and then he was bitten by a radioactive bogan and then it turns into Brett Blake. I love it. Fair enough. I should get some shit. If you haven't seen

the photos of the cardigan, feel free to online believe me. Yeah, it is pretty bad but I was trying to fit into the arts industry. I should get some shit. If you haven't seen the photos of the cardigan, feel free to online believe me. Yeah, it is pretty bad. But I was trying to fit into the arts industry and I don't understand it. Anyway, back. So, 1005. Don't want to look too sus.

So, you know, have a browse around. Look at the port. You know, red wine. Have a browse. Have a browse. You don't want a shotgun. How old were you? I don't know.

I saw it on the fan. 67? I'm browsing. I'm browsing. But you're giving yourself away. You have a browse Tommy you don't want A shotgun How old were you I don't know 67 I'm browsing I'm browsing But you're giving yourself away You must have been a young man As soon as you stand In front of the port aisle They're like

There's something sus going on Yeah And that's more annoying to them I'm a sucker for a tourney Yeah So you know Grab the standard I grabbed

I think the first one Was a Toohey's Extra Dry Carton Cold Classics back in the day. Then I was like, the plan was two cartons of beer, one bottle. Got a bottle of Jim Beam. Not too sus. Counter.

Put the cash up. But the thing is, we're not putting any cash in with this. We're just doing all Coles Cash. You're going straight up Coles Cash. Straight up Coles Cash. Don't move. You've got to put a bit of cash in. Look, in hindsight, yes.

But at the moment, you're fucking... You were just going in with Coles cash going, can I please have $20 worth of mixed alcohol? What can I have? But what you just said you bought, you've got a bottle and you've got two slabs, so that's about $150. Well, not the time.

It would have been under $100. Can I... For two slabs and a bottle of spirits? Well, fuck, how much was a can back in the day? It would be $30, $36 a bottle. You could buy a bottle of Jim Beam. You could buy a real McCoy for fucking $20, but Jim Beam was fancy, so it was $30, $32.

So you're looking at $92, $95. You're forgetting how cheap beers were. No wonder the poor have liver damage. Just quickly, I don't know if you've said in the story, how old are you at this point? I'm like 19. Okay, right, right, right. 20?

19? Yep. So grab that. Put all the cash on the table. Now, this guy, he's like... Hang on, put all the cash? You mean... No, no, not three and a half. It's just what you need.

I put 100 bucks down. And then straight away with the story, I said, mate, I know it sounds weird, but what happened was I work at a freight terminal, so we all had five bucks Coles cash, and we had a bet on that day with the horses or something. Winner takes all, footy tipping. I got it all.

You wouldn't believe it, mate. And he goes, oh, yeah, okay. And he goes, can I even do this? Because I don't mind using $5 at a time and coming back. He goes, no, there's nothing in the rules about it. So, yeah. And I said, oh, look, mate, keep the change, you know? Gave him an eight-buck tip.

Why wouldn't you? Eight bucks. Eight bucks in Coles cash. Coles cash. Keep it, mate. Buy yourself a Yowie or something. Spill the misses. Take one of those little bottles of Patron home.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Genius. Just as we're continuing on in this podcast. A gentleman thief. I like this. Tommy, I'm just concerned about my future media possibilities.

If you could just wash my name from this episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you could actually wash mine as well, that'd be real helpful. Is this going to be like Lick-a-Land where I get in trouble for him being a fucking dirty alco? That's exactly what's going to happen. Why? Channel 10 are going to say,

sorry, we can't do season two because you were near Brett Blake. Harley, we've got a new sponsor for making it, season two, Coles Cash. Look, I've seen the show. The face of Coles Cash. I've seen the show. If the reason your show gets cancelled, it wasn't me. You've got to wear some of that cunt, you know what I mean? There's catty-catty and Brett coming out.

Every year. Getting it in the ass. No one wants to see a 40-year- old cunt With a ponytail on the TV Alright Have a haircut you grub You look like shit Season 2 Make your own Coles cash Alright so we're back

On the casino So we get away with that You're away We're laughing You go to You go to number 2 Tia Cortina In the back If you know the Tia Cortina It's a fucking Four cylinder with that you're away we're laughing you go to you go to you go to number two tea cortina in the back

if you know the tea cortina it's a fucking four cylinder lot of horsepower lightweight you're putting two slabs and two bottles in the back you've got your getaway vehicle

yes they're not catching me in the tea baby how many people are coming to the party at this point like how what's the end like how many slabs

do you want to walk away with look we're thinking well what's three and a half grand worth of slabs? That's what we're trying to figure out. That's what you want. Well, as it turns out, in your maths, like three and a half thousand slabs. Well, I give them a tip, so 2,900 slabs. Yeah, yeah.

Plus you spend the 20 bucks on the curly whirlies, so you're a slab down. What, you were tipping them with Colescape? Yes. so you're slapped down. What, you were tipping them with Carl's case? Yes! Mate, if every billionaire was like me, there will be a better place.

I think they're probably not allowed to use it if they're an employee. Yes! Maccas can't enter the Monopoly game, you fucking idiot. Look, that's their problem, not mine. I'm here showing the world my positivity, all right? I'm giving back to the community, and what they decide to do with it is their problem.

I'm with you. I'm with you. So anyway, first up, we go, well, the car's going to be fully loaded, so we'll get Kalamunda out of the way next. Kalamunda, up the hill, it's full of rats. If you're from Kalamunda, fuck you. We hate you.

Anyway, Forest Field, classic rivalry. We're at the bottom of the hill Shit hole Doesn't matter Head up to there We do That's gotta be the only society In the world

Where the people at the bottom Of the hill Are above the people Yeah but If you If you actually looked at it We're not We're like real poor

They put all They keep all their horses On our land And they It's real disrespectful shit. You don't keep a horse on the top of a hill, you idiot. Fuck those poor people up there keeping their horses on our land. On our land.

They've got like orchards. All these rich cunts had like property bigger than our house and they just have two horses walking around. Just so you know, what poor means is less money then. Not more than. More money then. Just so you know, what Paul means is less money than, not more than, more money than. They use actual cash, not Coles cash. That's where I was confused. So we hit...

How much Coles cash was that horse worth? It's a beauty. That's a good point, Tommy. You should have been trying to figure out what kind of bovine creature you could buy with Coles cash. Well, if you buy a horse and then it wins in a race. Well, you know what you're really doing is you could effectively do that. You just launder the Coles Cash by turning it into alcohol

and then buy a horse for fucking 100 slabs. Yes. Yeah, that sounds good in hindsight. This party also sounds pretty sick. Imagine if I saw a titty or something. You know what I mean? We're jumping too quickly. The plan's going swimmingly so far, I have to say.

It's gone great. I've paid off people. Two slabs and a bottle. You've got two slabs and two bottles for nothing at this point. You're tipping. The staff loves you. I'm tipping. I'm tipping.

I've got a good vibe. I've got a good energy. Good karma. Good Coles karma. We hit another nine bottle shops. The story works. Every time. Same story. Same story. Every single time. We are, the story works. Every time. Same story.

Same story. Every single time. I'm getting cans of export. I got draft. I'm fucking ringing mates. I said, boys, put some orders in. What do you feel like, champs? Same order, same order every bottle shop.

Different order. We're mixing it up. Same $8 Coles cash gift every place. Two Montees, which were very fucking expensive, might I add to that. Anyway, got that in there. And then we were mixing it up. Got some Cougar bourbon. You stick them in the same story?

Same story. Then sometimes we'll go, we're going to get two cartons of spirits. So two cartons of UDL. Oh my God. So we don't want to get the spirit as well.

That's expensive. Yes, exactly. UDLs. UDLs. So we put them in there. So we've got... That's that cashed up bogan money. We've got a house party going.

Hey, that's a cold cashed up bogan. Right? Is it the same $8 tip for every bottle of shot? Well, no, because sometimes the two cartons of UDLs might be, say, $40. In that case, I'd be generous and give them a $20. Do you reckon anyone except for you has ever tipped in Coles cash? Doesn't that make you seem sus?

Look, I want to be honest. I reckon I'm a pioneer. When this story inevitably unravels, because it's the only reason you started it, the tipping is what's fucking undone you. Because you're exposing yourself as having too much Coles cash. If you can only earn five bucks. He exposed himself when he had that Viagra at the start.

Because if you're only earning five bucks Coles cash from $100 spent and you're just dropping $20 on someone, that's like dropping $400 on somebody. Having Coles cash to spare is sus. And they know that. They work for the machine. Then it's like that movie with that drug dealer dude in it, and he's making heaps of money,

but then one day his wife buys him a fur coat, and he starts wearing the fur coat, and then they go, who's this cunt? Yeah. Exactly. Don't be flashing it around. I was flashing.

That movie, Goodfellas, one of the most famous movies of all time. No, it wasn't Goodfellas. It had that dude. It was Goodfellas. Oh, man, here we go. Brett trying to aggress the movie. No, it's not Goodfellas, one of the most famous movies of all time. No, it wasn't Goodfellas. It had that dude. It was Goodfellas. Oh, man, here we go. Brett trying to guess the movie. No, it's not Goodfellas.

Let's all try and guess. Okay. It's actually Goodfellas. The movie Flight. The movie Flight. Blow. No, the movie Flight. What?

What are you saying? Who's the main actor on the movie Flight? Flight? Flight. The movie Flight. They're in a plane. He's a captain. The movie Flight.

Are you talking about just a movie you saw on a plane? Okay. No. A movie Flight. The movie Flight. Are you talking about just a movie you saw on a plane? Okay. No. A movie Flight Superman? Superman. Oh, Denzel Washington. Yeah. Right.

Denzel Washington is playing a drug dealer. Yes. Which, yeah, sorry. Now, I can't remember the name. And that fat cunt who's Australian is in there. Russell Crowe. Right. Russell Crowe's in it.

Yes, yes. And he's in it. Training Day. No. No. Not Training Day. It Crowe's in it and he's in it. Training Day. No. Not Training Day. It's a great movie. It's not Google it. It's around the same time

as Training Day. And he's great in it. Russell Crowe's in it. Russell Crowe. Google Tommy. I want this to end. It's like, anyway.

I want this to end. I've even forgot what my point was. Yeah. I'm basically like that guy. We're trying to get a movie right that you saw a fur coat in once. The Insider.

Yes. I'm very bad. What did you find, Tommy? American Gangster. That's the one, right? Makes sense. There we go. So I'm like this guy.

I'm tipping too much. We hit 10 bottle shops. The tea cortina is honestly on the tires with suspension at the moment. You're now doing what we used to do to do laps in Bundaberg where you'd just put a whole lot of containers full of water in the boot of your Tirana to drop it down so it looked like you'd had your car lowered. Right, right, right.

We would never have driven Holdens, but yes, very similar. Very similar. You wouldn't have been caught if you were in a Holden. You'd have been caught because you look like a dumb cunt. No. So you've got a lot of slabs in the back. So we've got everything, right? And we've hit every shop where we're exhausted.

It's fucking, it's 4.30. So you've done, this is an all-day affair. All-day affair. It's car, making money, 9.50. That's what we're doing. For sure. 9.50. It's hard work.

10 to 4, fair enough. We took two hours off. Oh, yeah, you bought yourself a fucking roast chicken Carl Make him money Nine to five That's what we're doing Nine to five Ten to four Fair enough We took two hours off Oh yeah You bought yourself A fucking roast chicken With some Coles cash And had some lunch

Yeah we had to have a lunch break You must have gone And got some chippies at Coles Yeah you could have a smoko You know Have some chippies You've earned a few curly whirlies Yeah

Well you need the sugar rush Sugar high sugar Yeah So We get back to the house Dad We Unload You know I give dad the Montees Yeah Sugar rush Sugar high sugar So we get back to the house Dad We unload You know

I give dad the Montees Yep He only expected one card Good boy Gave him two Yep Because we were actually gonna We were storing all the booze in his shed

You were gonna grease the wheel Grease the wheel Yeah Not ratting me out to mum That's right Dad's being cool Because then she will rat you out to the pod The only time my dad's been cool in his life

By the way So we're sick Carton in there All the booze in there Party's happening around six or seven The only time my dad's been cool in his life, by the way. So it was sick. Carton in there. All the booze in there. Party's happening around six or seven. It's 4.50. It's nearly five o'clock.

Shops are closing. What can go wrong? We've done it. We've pulled it off. Ten minutes, nothing had happened, right? How many slabs do you estimate you have at this point? What? Maybe 20, 30?

But then there's also a bottle per shop. Yeah, insane. Yeah, so a lot. Like the car is fucking off its seams. You're ready to go. Yeah, we're ready to go. 20 slabs, 20 bottles. Yeah, it's all happening. And then like I remember the time,

I remember looking at the clock and going, fuck, I'm getting away with this. There's no knocks on the door. It was like 4. 454 phone rings and i go ah it's over so i just knew straight away and dad goes dad picks up the phone goes yep yep yeah nah that would be him here he is so this is like this is in the movie you're the drug dealer you're on the tarmac heading for the private plane. The cops, they're driving up the tarmac.

They're driving up the sign. You've got the roadblock. You're Johnny Depp, you're in a marquee on the airstrip. So I'm like, I get the phone, hello, like 19-year-old Brett. And this guy. Why were you speaking like a 90-year-old Greek mother? Because he had the cardigan on. I had a cardigan by that stage.

Hello. So I'm, And right away, this guy couldn't be happier if he fucking tried. He solved the Da Vinci Code. Yeah. Right? So he hasn't even asked me

if it was me. Yeah. He's just solved it in his head and he's telling me what I did and then starts telling me how we could. He goes, I knew it was sus. I knew it was sus as soon as you came into the shop in the morning I remembered your name I

remembered your name off your id I asked you if your idea I was like oh you fucking redhead I remembered who it was I was like oh you piece of shit I was gonna say because how do they track you because you're not using your car because it's all Coles cash remembered the name right oh he's got a Coles cash credit card oh Oh, right, right, right. Colescast debit card. My last name, he looked in the phone book, and there's only four of us in Western Australia. He goes, like fucking MacGyver or some shit, rings the first number. Oh, he goes through them all.

No, no, rings the first one, which is my nan, right? And he goes, look, and like my nan, hello, my little old nan. Jesus, sounds so good. Hereditary. Look, if there's any acting agencies out there, sounds so sweet. Hereditary. Look, if there's any acting agencies out there, I've got a lot of range. Get me in, right? So me slash my nan, and she goes,

look, there's this guy who's coming around and he's kind of stolen a lot of alcohol. And she goes, oh, that will be Brett. Like, my nan ratted me out straight away And they've cross-referenced you with the answer That you gave in your application for your freight job About how you steal a gun and start shooting it around And be like, yep, career criminal, we've got him

This is the guy And she goes, oh, I'm number one in the phone book Just ring the house at number two And then, so he's just rang the house Dad's, and they're like, oh, someone's stolen alcohol And Dad's like, yep, yep, nah, nah, he's here. Ratted me out straight away. What the fuck?

So this guy's gone. Got two cups of Monteiths a piece of cake. Yeah. No. Fuck your dad. Fuck my dad. You should have paid off your- I'm good now for two reasons.

Ratting you out and drinking fucking Monteiths. Yeah. What the hell's going on? I don't actually- Dark is pretty good. What is Monteiths? I don't even know what Monteiths is. It's a New Zealand beer.

Oh, okay. I thought it was like a- It's a New Zealand beer that's dark. But he wasn't ratting me out. He's like, mate, you've been caught. It's Monteith. I don't even know what Monteith is. It's a New Zealand beer. Oh, okay. I thought it was like a... It's a New Zealand beer that's dark. But he wasn't ratting me out. He's like, mate, you've been caught. It's over. You know what I mean? It wasn't like...

He didn't ring anyone and he let it slide. So full respect to the boys. Right. So he goes, look, I'm going to call the cops. I'm like, well... Hang on. So did he explain... How did he catch you?

I don't get it. So how he caught me was he... But he hasn't caught you doing anything wrong yet. No, so I've got... did he catch you I don't get it How he caught me was He But he hasn't caught you Doing anything wrong yet No so I've got He can't prove you didn't earn That cold cash Well

This is where it starts Getting into the grey area So he goes This is sass Then he rings Every single shop Blick lands in the area And they go

Yeah same guy came in Same story And you're on camera And I'm on camera At every single shop You should have mixed up You started every single shop You should have mixed up You parted at every shop You should have mixed up the story

You should have a different story For every time Yes hindsight's a beautiful thing pal And then he goes Where did you find it I said none of your fucking business mate And he's like where did you find it I said I found it

All on the side of a train line But I didn't want to lose my job Because my dad's mate Because you were still hoping To find that gun Yes And I was going to go back and shoot

this cunt for ratting me out. And all of a sudden you're going fuck the Coles cash has gone I need a way of making cash. Yes.

Yeah. Actual money. I didn't want to lose my job and put my mate's dad into shit for hiring me for being a dumb cunt.

So he goes I'm calling the cops. He said I found it next to the train tracks. Yeah. The Coles cash next to the train

tracks. I don't know. That's how they distribute it. It's on the money train. Money train. We're off the money train. Fell off the side of a train. Yeah.

Makes sense. Falls off. And I go, right. And I go, he goes, I want it all back. Right. And I said, which shop do you want it at? And he goes, Cannington one. I go, all right. Hang Cannington one I go Alright

Hang up the phone I go fuck Should have said It's too late I've drunk it all But listen You're speaking with Current day

Brett Blake confidence Yes Back then with 19 year old Brett Blake He was dumb Leaving it on With his cardigan

In the cupboard Waiting to put it on And move to Melbourne Were you like Yeah no worries Or were you stressed out I was pissed off The only? I was pissed off. The only thing I was pissed off about was maybe I'd get in trouble

with the courts again or something. Again. 19. Yeah. So I already got away with something before. There was already that incident with the Woolworths cash. So I was already skating on thin ice and I had a job and I didn't want to lose the job because it would have got back to them.

So I was like, right. So canning shop and I knew that he goes, drop it off at the front. I was like, I'll drop it where I want, cunt. So I went around the back and I dropped it off. I'm still here doing what I'm told, but I'll choose which door. It's like a toddler putting his heels in. I'll show you who's right. No leverage whatsoever.

So the best part was dad goes, I'm keeping one of those Montees. And I go, fair enough, because I'm keeping two cartons of beer and two bottles of spirits. And he goes, I don't know anything about that. And I said, me neither. And then I drove down there. I dumped it all off and just fucking

drove off never saw the guy and you know what he did he turned up to a friend's birthday party and said look at all the alcohol

I've got I fucking oath he did he did not restock the shelves of the multinational company that he worked for of other stores

in his Tirana because Holden drivers are smarter and drove to a better party up the top of the hill where the fucking horses are, you stupid cunt. But this cunt was so by the... He's on $19 an hour. Who cares about their fucking big multinational company that much

that you're ringing other shops? Exactly. If someone robs... If I worked at a BWS and someone robbed me, I would tell them the code to the fucking safe. I would say, take the cash card.

I don't care. Why you don't have a job at BWS. Do you know what I like best about that story, Brett Blake, is that just before we started recording, you sat right where you still are sitting right now. You said, I've got nothing.

And that was hard. We're nearly done. but the other thing is I've got a story that's the closest I can get in my head also by the way this obviously is why we couldn't get into Lickaland the other week you're on the fucking permanent record the closest I can get to that is

I was working for a radio station which I'm currently working for again, but it was almost 20 years ago and we were doing promotional stuff out on the streets. We were doing an OB and we had a truck ton of sausages that we were cooking up for this OB, you know, icy cold cans of Coke and all that behaviour. And at the end of the event,

I hadn't even got through half of the sausages that we had. I'm like, this is ridiculous. What a lot of wastage this is. So I went to Sacred Heart Mission in St Kilda with like, I don't know, 10 kilos of sausages and just went, listen, this has been sitting in a cool room. In terms of food safety, it hasn't been opened. I just don't want it to go to waste.

Can you give this, feed the homeless with this? And're like thank you very much that's great this is a story about you being a hero and i don't like it no i was just like you just have this because i don't i don't want to go to waste and they're like yeah great and then and then they revealed to me that what i dropped off would be like a quarter of one of the meal allocations that they cook for people. I thought it was a huge, voluminous amount of sausages and they were like, that's hardly anything at all, but thanks for bringing it.

I was like, fucking hell, come on, cunts. Beggars can't be choosers. Have you heard that saying? Yeah. And then the next day, I wasn't working the next day and my boss called me up and goes, Harley, where are all the sausages

for today's event? And I went, I don't know, there's some happy fucking homeless people walking around St Kilda with us. Yeah,

it's down there at Homeless FM. Very good story, Brett. Let me get you guys opinion on this because you guys were talking about

walking around drinking in lockdown. I love a street drink. Also, can I top off what we did that day because you told me Roughly part of that story

That day Part of it I forgot Because we were so drunk But Well this is how drunk I was Once we got Back

And we dropped you off At your place And I kept going We drunk Or whatever we drunk I'm now walking by myself Walking home Bored

And very drunk So I'm just like Hitting up random people On Facebook And on whatever just going what do you do oh you look like you're online what are you fucking doing oh what about this what are you doing what are you doing then i just go and get a pizza and just keep walking home and then i get a message from friend of the show ben knight going where are you and i'm like

fucking walking home where are you as a joke he's like i'm here where you told me to meet you i'm like what i drunkenly after i left you drunkenly gone as a joke do you want to have a kick of soccer it's like 8 30 at night and he's he's gone okay and i've just completely forgotten about it i just got a pizza walked home then he's gone and i'm and he's like i'm here waiting for you i'm like bullshit you're joking then he takes a picture of himself in this fucking oval at 8.30 at night with the ball and I'm like, fuck. So then I have to go back. I'm fucking blind and I go back and then just kick the ball with him.

Like, honestly, with a fucking pizza in one hand and a beer in the other and it's just me blind kicking the ball and I'm going, this is fucking ridiculous. But also, Ben Knight, what are you fucking up to where you're agreeing to do this half an hour before curfew I'll just come out

for a quick kick that's why I day drink so you don't have to be Ben Knight just bored at 8.30 praying for someone to message you I've got mates that

live on the other side of the world and then they'll call me at around sort of when they're waking up so they'll call me at like 5.30, 6 o'clock.

And I'm very under the weather already. And it's very embarrassing to try and hide your drunkenness. And they're like, are you fucking drunk? I'm like, yeah, mate. It's 6pm. I've got kids. I've got children. I went so hard last weekend.

I have to take stuff before I go to sleep. And I bought a pill box. We all take medication before we go to bed. Hang on, hang on. We're all taking stuff, Tom. Is this as a joke? My stuff normally keeps me up, though. It's a different type of powder.

I bought one of those little boxes that's got all the days of the week. I used to have one of those. Because I just kept it anyway. So that's got all the days of the week. Oh, yeah. I used to have one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I just kept... Anyway, so I've got it all in there. And then last weekend on the Monday, I was looking at it and realised over the weekend, I had been getting so fucked that before I'd been taking this stuff before going to bed,

I'd just been forgetting what day of the week it was. Just going on Saturday night, I've just thought it was Wednesday and just had my Wednesday night's pill like, yeah, just getting leathered in the day of the week it was just going like on Saturday night I've just thought it was Wednesday and just had my Wednesday night's pill like yeah just getting leathered in the middle

of the week thought it was fucking Wednesday but having like that moment you're in the kitchen and you're like god what am I doing

to myself on a Wednesday you know what I mean like opening it and going fuck I'm an idiot yeah that is a sign of the times where it's like

yeah I'm pissed I'm fucked out of my head actually it does feel like a Wednesday yeah well that's it's like, yeah, I'm pissed. I'm fucked out of my head, actually. It does feel like a Wednesday. Yeah. Well, that's it. It could be any fucking day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was a great bit of radio a couple of weeks ago. I listen to ABC Local when I'm driving around, and the afternoon presenter has Crohn's disease, is a friend of mine, and she'd accidentally taken her sleeping pill just before she went on radio. And it was three hours of cracking radio. Wow.

And as we all know with sleeping pills, if you push through the first 15 minutes, you're good to go. Really changes the course of your day and may have got you banned from an airline. Anyway. Next story. Yeah. Yeah, I'm still going on the sleeping pills you gave me,

but they're not sleeping pills. What are they? Well, that's heroin. Fucking hell. Anyway, the legal medication I got to you, it's a hay fever medication. Oh, right, right, right. From somewhere that...

You got the cat, you probably... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Allergies. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey, hey, hey. As a joke, I take probably... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, allergies. Hey, hey, hey, hey. As a joke, I take them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a joke. Just to see if they work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a joke to see if they work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm laughing in my sleep. Oh, they work. It's fucking hilarious. So, yeah, we're in lockdown at the moment and, yeah, it's been a couple of months now.

So, last night, sitting in the living room, you know, curfew's in effect, just watching a movie with my girlfriend. Over the fence, we hear our neighbour has two people over. Which you're not meant to do. Which you're not meant to do. The whole time, it's not a bubble, but it's not anything like that. This is the first time in lockdown we've heard people out there.

Is this the episode Tommy turns into a Karen? You've called the police, I've had it up to here. With these law-breaking people. This is not cool this is not like two mates walking around blind for three hours getting kicked out of

fucking licensed venues get out of that house get fucking maggot on the street and yell at some cunt from Atlanta they've been breaking the rules the whole time

but it's because the eldest kid is in his late teens and all of his stoner mates are coming over they smoke with him. And there's no fucking way I'm calling the police because my house smells exactly the same. If the police rock up, they'll see a light that's always on and I'm growing.

Shut up. Don't knock on the wrong fucking door. Well, yeah, we hear him out the back there and it's like, yeah, so clearly he's just like gotten fed up. And we're like, you know, we're sitting there going, this is so fucking annoying. Because it's, like, you know, everyone wants to have their mates over. And it's, like, how fucking selfish and, like, rude is this? And also just, like, sitting outside. It's a cold night.

It's, like, at the very least, be a bit, you know, secretive or ashamed about it or, like, whatever. Like, breaking the rules but still outside socially distancing. Do you know what I love, though? That Tommy, it's, like break the rules, but be ashamed. Show me your shame. Put the handbrake on. Put the handbrake on.

No fucks. So it's like, that for a couple of hours. Almost like recording a podcast inside a bar. Yeah, and 10 minutes ago, Tommy found a loophole in what Dan Andrews said, so we're in a bar. But anyway, check out these puns over the fence. Naughty boys. Yeah. How dare you fucking shame someone who's clearly podcasting next door to you last night.

So yeah, they're just chatting for ages. It's like very loud. It's kind of annoying. Then they start playing just like Aussie hip hop really loudly. Well, there's the real crime. It's like 11 p.m. by this point. Hey man, the hilltop hoods are sick. And then about an hour after that,

because their fence is like right next to where our bathroom is, I go to the bathroom and I hear them going, basically just going, yeah, pretty good today at the protest, wasn't it? Oh no. So we've gone off, right. So this isn't just like a bit of Fitzroy. Right, very odd for Fitzroy. It's like this isn't just like selfishness,

like, you know, just like breaking the rules. This is like, we're living next to like, just a dedicated fucking enemy. And so my girlfriend's like, getting pretty worked up about it and was like, what should we do? Should we call the cops? And you go, well, the problem with this is because like, their house is on a corner. So we're like, if they had the cops turn up, they would know that it was us. Like, we're the only house that it could have been.

So that's going to make things awkward. And it's also, we happen to know because people that my girlfriend knows used to live in that house. And right before we moved in, they got kicked out because the owner's kid was moving in. So it's like, this guy is living in a house that his parents own. So it's like, well, what do you do? You call the cops, they come around. At worst, he gets a fine, which it's like, that's living in a house that his parents own. So it's like, well, what do you do? You call the cops.

They come around. At worst, he gets a fine, which it's like that's going to mean nothing. You know what I mean? It's not going to make him go. So now we're just going. This has annoyed us so much. I love him going to the march. I just want to be let out of my mum's house.

You know what I think you should do? Dad bought me a house and it's too small. Yeah, exactly. You should call your friend Brett Blake, who may have found a gun on a conveyor belt. Yes. And just take the... I'd like to tell random people to fuck off, cunts.

You two love a bit of mischief, and it's like, well, we can't call the cops, we can't tell them, but we feel like we want to sort of get this guy back in some way. How old are these people? We need to get some... How old are these people? I reckon he's like early to mid-twenties.

I reckon he's like... Oh, I can put the fear of God in him. Yeah. That's easy. Look, he's obviously affluent. His dad owns property. He would be a sport little rich kid. Just fucking turn the water off to his house.

He won't know where the tap is. No, he won't know how to do that. But also, you know what you need is just... Brett and I, we're in uniform already. Yeah. Right? I say nothing, like this podcast, and Brett just fucking talks

As we all know But he's He's the messenger I just stand in the background You can say whatever you want Brett And I'll just stand in the background And I I think that's going to be enough

Yeah You're right But what are you going to say? But what are you doing? You turn up You knock on the front door And what Yeah what are you

What are you pretending to be? It's 1980 It's 1980 That's how we dealt with problems In the 90s We just turned up Your plan was One You knock on the front door, and what are you pretending to be? It's 1980. That's how we dealt with problems in the 90s. We just turned up. Your plan was one of... Just knock on the door and you listen to me. I'll tell you something about something.

Here's the plan so far. Two people turn up. One talks, one doesn't. The one that does talk, who knows what he says. It doesn't happen. But that's not important. Boys, I saw you yesterday and I thought I'd come back for a beer tonight. What do you reckon?

Man, how about this square trying to dob you in next door? Hey guys, I've got some cold scratch. I'll sell you a five off for a three. Dude, let's bash him and jump in his hot tub. They're like, well, the big bloke at the back won't talk, so I'll talk to you. Why are you here? I got kicked out of a liquor land. I've got to go somewhere.

All right, all right, come in here for a beer. We're all in here. But the worst part is we'll rock up and they'll go one of us one of us one of us yes we will

pigs pigs yeah this is my plan this is better than my plan the only thoughts I'd have were like break some eggs in the letterbox

oh no do you know actually where I'm at right now because we joke about we're breaking the rules but where I'm at with people who are breaking the rules like that, and that may or may not have been at the protest,

and also as someone who's been quite passionately a pacifist for as long as I can remember. I don't believe violence is the answer. I want to punch them so hard in the face that their cheekbone cracks. That's what I would like to do. I would like to inflict some pain on them and then take their house. It's a nice house too. Fuck them.

I'll fucking have it. I thought about a bag of flaming shit on the doorstep in part tribute to the late great Norman Donald. Ownership is a construct. Ownership is a construct anyway. I'll fucking own it. But just so you know, shitting in a bag, harder than you think. Okay.

Oh yeah. Just so you know, you in a bag Harder than you think Okay Oh yeah Alright Just so you know You don't have to shit in the bag Yeah You can shit in a bucket And then pour it into the bag Both of my stories tonight

I'm learning a lot Before the virus I thought shitting in public was hard It's not that hard I've learnt that in the last 18 months You know what Actually that would be good though If we do go

Like Tonight Why not We've had You know Let's go have some beers Let's get get some wild, like, we get some shit, we put it in a bag, and we light it on fire. Yeah. Come on, guys.

I'll shit in a bag. I'll shit in a bag for you. Dude, we're at Spleen, as if there's not 20 Uber Eats bags down there right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's Spleen toilet. They've never fucking cleaned it. It's probably a fresh doogie. Doogie is like fucking closed down.

Can I, have we, have we got time We've got time for one more little thing Well we're You know We've hit an hour We've hit an hour Well this might be a quick thing In the freedom zone now

Because this is the thing Can we keep recording for a week Because if we stop Can we keep recording until October 26th Is Joel going to kick us out Yeah Yeah Probably

He's probably got better things to do But hey When we're able Come back to Spleen, everyone. What a great place. And of course, this is where the legendary comedy Spleen happens every Monday night. It's been going for fucking what feels like three quarters of my life. And you can come down and see all sorts of great comedians plus open micers that I've wanted to do a similar thing that Harley's just described about a minute ago too. But yeah, support the bar that supports us.

Last night, we went for a couple of beers and a walk as well. And I love these walks because I find out these fucking stories about you where you just... I'm like, we've done a million fucking podcasts and you don't bring these stories out. But as soon as we have 20 beers, you pull out these fucking great ones. I'm like, fuck, so I end fucking podcasts and you don't bring these stories out. But as soon as we have 20 beers, you pull out these fucking great ones. I'm like, fuck, so I end up having to make these very drunken notes in my fucking iPhone notes.

But you told me another occupation that you had last night. Well, it wasn't an occupation. Oh, what was it? You tell me. I was just young and I was like, well, like fucking year one maybe. I used to sell bees.? I used to sell bees. Brett Blake used to sell bees.

Yes. If that's not an occupation, what do you think it is? Did you say in year one? Yeah, maybe. I was young. But what does year one mean? Hang on, hang on. I have to go and wait because I have not had any drinks while we've been doing this because

that's not part of the rules. Yes. I've got to wait. Okay, all right. You've had water. You've been having water the whole time. Yes. So I used to, there's a bush.

I don't even know if this is, I don't even think it's funny. It's just a story. Okay. But there was a bush at the front of our house, my neighbor's house, that had a lot of bees in it. Right. All the time. Yes.

So, because I used to. So you mean you said year one, so you're just above prep. You're six years old, maybe. Yeah. I'm young. Yes. I reckon I'm even younger. He could have been 15. I bet he got kept down in 15.

So, because I used to, what we used to, I mean, it's fucked, but I used to pick up bees by the, you could pick up a, there's a certain way you can pick up a bee without getting stung. Yeah. And then, like, say if your brother walks past, you could just whack it on his neck and he's stung by a bee. Hilarious, bee hilarious that's insane why is that insane

that's horrific that's horrible it's funny as hell it's so bad and it was a good practical joke right so then I was like

I started but it doesn't go anywhere so I used to just catch bees yes put them into a container yes and I used to go around

to people in the street I used to go around to people in the street. I heard you in the toilet, mate. I can't believe what's fucking going on. So then I used to put bees in containers and I used to walk around the house to try and sell them. Now you say this is... So you know we've got a bee crisis at the moment. Yes, that's why I was trying to get them out there.

I reckon you're part of the problem. Me specifically. That is You can't That is so funny For a six year old To be walking door to door With a bee in a bag Going

Do you want to buy a bee It wasn't a bag It was a fucking plastic container I had a fucking good business Yeah Keeping the bees fresh My brother used to pull Bits of bark

Off pine trees And then Screw hole through it With another piece of timber And sell that at school For a couple of bucks. That is still not as insane as walking door-to-door, being a door-to-door bee salesman.

I don't think it's weird. That is mental. Well, who wants to buy one? Five, six. You know what I mean? Who opens a door? Who opens a door and goes, yes? I think I sold one to an old lady.

She bought one for $1. But no one wanted to buy the bees. That old lady's grandchild grew up to work at Lick-O-Land. Yeah. It's all coming together. Yeah. And that bee got out of that container and stung that old lady. That should have been one of your fucking MOs. I got all this money because I was selling bees for Coles Cash.

I got all this money. From grandmas. Yeah, I sold 20 bees. That's why I got $20. You know, this sweet little boy, blonde hair, a cute baby. You know what I mean?

If someone knocks on my door and goes, do you want to buy a bee? It's not me as a fucking 37-year-old man. It's a cute kid. It's like a lemonade stand but cooler.

My question is, who wants to buy a bee? Who? Six, you don't know. You don't want to buy one bee. Your fucking daughter walks around licking a spoon. Yes, she don't know. You don't want to buy one bee. Your fucking daughter walks around licking a spoon.

Yes, child. A kid setting up a lemonade stand isn't going, this is what every person on earth wants. Lemonade. Actually, in Brett's defense,

my kid started his own God's Eye shop at the front of... Hang on, what's a God's Eye? Do you know what a God's Eye is? So it's just like a cross piece of like paddle pop sticks or skewers or whatever,

and then you just weave wool around it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's called a god's eye. Well, he made one at fucking art class at school, and then next minute there's 17,000 of them at home, and then fast forward, I'm hosting Making It Australia. He started selling them out the front yard for $2 a God's eye. It's literally wool poorly wrapped around the pad of popstick.

And he sold $25 worth of God's eye. Not bad. Thank you. Real well done. So all I'm hearing so far is that I'm an entrepreneur. Yeah. And you guys are jealous. Who said that?

No one said that. I did, about myself. And this concludes entrepreneur. Yeah. And you guys are jealous. Who said that? No one said that. I did. About myself. Yeah. And this concludes my TED Talk. Thanks, guys. I've got a clicker and shit. I'm like, thanks, guys.

Bye. What I'm saying is this. Fade to black. There's no. I walk off in my new balance in my turtleneck. See you cunts later. I don't know. You know, we haven't been able to do stand-up for so long.

I don't know why you didn't bring it back. Go back to your door-to-door bee salesman. Man, I actually do have a lavender bush out the front. If you were selling a queen bee door-to-door... As if I knew what a queen bee was. I used to sting people with them, and now I was like, maybe I can sell them. It's not a thing. It's just a thing.

It's a thing. It's not a thing. It's just a thing. You could have gone down the protest yesterday and let them loose. Yeah. Oh, what? That's not how to make money. Be just a thing. It's just a thing. You could have gone down the protest yesterday and let them loose. Yeah. Oh, what? That's not how to make money.

Bees are money. That's cash. Were you surprised about how many people had tattoos on the back of their hands and on their necks at that protest? Man, as I said... Because there were a lot. There was a lot, but it was... What I loved was, I was like, in the morning I woke up,

I was like, why is there so many club sports? Filthy Holden. I saw it, I loved it. So many club sports driving around my suburb and I was like and I was like you don't very rarely see a VT or a VY clubby cruising around I'm like it's not the streets of Perth in Richmond and there was so many clubbies and I was like someone's all right today yeah yeah guys lay off my neighbor all right I want to hear a crossword yeah Do the everglow. We better wrap it up for another week. Harley, Breen, Brett, Blake, thank you very much for joining us.

Harley, people can check out Making It Australia on Channel 10. Please. Every Wednesday and Thursday for the next five weeks. Nice. Yeah, get around that. People are loving that show. And explain what it is. It's MasterChef.

Okay, cool. Right, Blakey, what have you got going on? But at the end You can't eat the product Oh Well That's bad That sounds like a bad show

We all went to school With a guy who ate glue Right, so it's that It's fun It's stupid And fuck, it's good It's craft It's craft

It's craft It's craft Craft reality show Yeah, I made a I actually I got on board with it And I just finished A mini caravan

A bespoke mini caravan a bespoke mini caravan for an Italian greyhound I saw that on the socials on the Marty Sheargold show how many how many orange juice

bottles got a good working out being made into something else on the show that's a good point yeah I know what you're referring to there

the Orchie orange juice bottle was the best thing to turn into a bomb right yeah I saw you could fold the top of it in, so it became quite a good mouthpiece.

I saw one of them in the wild yesterday at a playground where I brought my child. The Orchie? Yeah, and I exclaimed immediately, oh, look, it's a bong. And, of course, that's what my child blanket immediately takes up. It goes bong, bong, bong. That's a bong.

That's a bong. Iong. That's a bong. Yeah. That's a bong. I kept saying that's a bong, which is she's at a good age at the moment where you say something like that distinctive and that's all you hear for the next fucking two days. Last night, she said this. She's picked up on something. Let me make it very clear. This is something my wife says to me and not the other way around. Get out.

No. Got him. But Blanket was drawing on the table and I said, hey, don't draw on the table. You've got to draw on the paper. We've got to clean that table now. You've got to draw on the paper, not the table. All right?

That's what you do from now on. And she looked up at me and she said, okay, bitch. Wow. Yeah. Welcome to my kind of comedy. That's more kids. I know, I know. In her defense, you are a bitch.

I'm turning into fucking Harley, Ben Lomas, the rest of you cunts. You are kind of a bitch. Harley, the last time I saw you, or one of the last times I saw you before the pandemic hit, you were showing me a method that you had made for smoking a joint so that you weren't having to touch it and have your fingers smelling like weed. Correct. And when you were back in with, it's like two chopsticks. Chopsticks.

That you stuck together with a little hole drilled in the top. Right at the end of it, you drill a little hole. What episode is this on? That's on episode 10 of Making It on 7.30 on Channel 10. Tune in. Channel 10 find out I'll be making it unemployed. Showed me that and then, yeah, like obviously I hadn't seen you for a while, the pandemic, you get announced as the host of that.

I'm like, cannot think of a better guy to be hosting this show. I mean, Nick Offerman in America, who hand-makes canoes, and me making ways to smoke a joint so that you don't have the smell on your fingers when you hold your baby. Haven't been using that in all the media I've been doing. Just so you know. It's exclusive. Brett, people can check out Flat Stick, your podcast.

Man, podcast, two seniles attempt to send it. We try to fucking ride. We're trying to relive our youth by riding everything we can. So we're on mountain bikes at the moment. We were on the old bush pigs driving the motocross bikes around. If you're a bit of a rev head, you're into all that sort of shit. You muck around. Two great friends of the show, you and Kappa.

Lots of videos, lots of dumb shit. And we interviewed some great people like the first chick who did a front flip the other week awesome you should have been flaring at the protest

yesterday I reckon you would have got a few man I was actually handing out fucking magnets I was like boys a lot of you will like this

alright guys and yeah check out Spleen come support them when you can when we're open again in Melbourne they've been kind enough

to host us here this afternoon. Absolutely. Great dive bar any night of the week, but especially Monday nights when you've got the comedy on. But yeah, it's a place that fucking stays open late on a Friday. Oh, every night. I just got a message from my wife that said, we have your keys, butthole. Okay, bitch.

All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, bitch. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, guys. And they've done it again. What'd you think of that one, guys? Back in the room, hey? A little surprise. A little surprise in there.

Now, of course, that episode was brought to you by Spleen Bar, 41 Bourke Street, Melbourne. It's open six days a week, I think, Monday to Saturday night. That's where I run Comedy at Spleen on Monday nights, back in the normal times, 8.30 till 10.30. The best of Melbourne plus some of the worst of Melbourne. It's a big old mixed bag, but it's been going for about 12 or 13 years or something crazy like that.

So, man, it is the cultural touchstone of Melbourne comedy. Get in there every Monday. But it is a great dive bar that you can go in and drink fucking any hour of the fucking day, basically, rest of the week. When you say it's open six days a week, at time of recording, of course, it's open zero days of the week. Well, I mean, this week it was open one day of the week. Oh, that's right. It's not.

It's not open. In the future, though, when they are back and running, they will be open six days a week. And, yeah, thank you to them. Thank you, Joel, for letting us in. Now, I don't know if we've got any little dobbers, little rats in the mix that think that we've done the dodgy here.

Oh, you don't know if we've got any dobbers or rats. It's interesting. I think you do know. Well, I'm trying to be positive. I'm trying to be, you know, I'm trying to positively manifest a hassle-free week after putting this up. But yes, we did look into it.

It was a legitimate rule. And we should also point out that Joel, the whole way through the pandemic and everything, as you know from running the gig there, Carl, Joel has been very strict with the rules. He was going over this with a fine-tooth comb before he let us in. So if it hadn't have been kosher in any way, he would not have been okay with us doing it.

So this is all completely above board. We haven't done the dodgy. This is an actual rule in Victoria at the moment. Like you said, Joel, Joel's a legitimate pain in the fucking ass in terms of running things COVID style. Like when we've been allowed to do gigs, he's still been like,

no, you should only, we'll only do Comedy Explained with five people in the crowd. It's like, fucking everyone else has got 200, you fucking idiot. Don't you want your business to make money? So yes, very COVID safe. Don't worry about this episode. Do worry about his fucking business sense for the rest of the year.

But the other 364 days a year, he's fucked in the head. But that one day he was very level-headed and good about everything. So it's all above board. Don't hassle us. Don't try and fucking get in our grills about this because, yeah, we've done the right thing the entire time. We wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't legitimate. We wouldn't be putting something out publicly or doing it

in any other way if we weren't allowed to be doing it. It's a strange new rule that exists, but, hey, it was good for us. We got to go and do an episode face-to-face and have a bit of fun IRL style, and it felt fucking great. Don't blame us. Fucking channel your anger and your ire for cunts that are fucking walking down the street and punching fucking cops and shit like that. So, yes, it was a great relief for us to be able to go

and do our job, I think, properly in a way. Bit over Zoom, as you may have figured out, and you're probably a bit overhearing it. So, love that loophole. Fuck knows why it was invented, but it's there and we're taking advantage of it. Yeah, I meant to say this in the episode because as we were talking about it, it's like, who is this rule actually for?

It's like, is there just some diehard podcast fan, some diehard Melbourne podcast fan in the Andrews government who's like, I'm sick of hearing these jokes about lag. I'm sick of hearing... They're doing their job. They're getting it done. That's fine. But I've got to be honest,

they're spinning their wheels and I'm sick of hearing it. I writing this in i'm putting it on dan's desk he's you know he's checked out he's not even properly looking at it he's like oh yeah five pairs broadcaster okay i don't i don't really understand that sort of stuff but whatever if you think it's safe and then he's just all of a sudden he's just hearing this episode he's like oh this is fucking fantastic the boys have done it again bernie's kicked a big one one. Yes. I want to know who else is taking advantage of it. I mean, we did talk a little bit about that, but I wonder if anyone else has found that and gone. Like, who else is it for?

Podcasts and what else? I can't even imagine. Because the thing that's weird about it is that you need to do a podcast in that way. You need to know someone who runs a venue well enough that you feel comfortable hitting up. You can't just hit up a random bar and go, hey, can you please come and open up so that me and my friends can record? They tell you to get fucked. The only reason we can do it is because we're friends with a couple of people.

We had a couple of options of places we could have used, but that doesn't really apply to everyone. It's more for the venue if they want to have something on on but i don't really know who that's who that applies to yeah i mean i haven't seen anything prop up in the last few days i haven't seen any venues be like hey we're doing a we're doing a concert or whatever so i don't know maybe maybe we'll be the only one maybe they'll maybe they'll retract the rule in a week's time because they're like, oh, the little dum-dum club is the only thing that took advantage of this. This is a waste of everyone's time. This is – what if it becomes the dum-dum rule where they just – it comes up in the paper on Wednesday or Thursday and it's like,

yeah, there's been a slight alteration to the laws because of the dum-dum rule and it's just one thing redacted out of the rules. Exactly. That would be fucking great. Yeah. So, yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed hearing it uh yeah hope you hope the vibe felt different um you know a big testament to my editing abilities would be if people were like honestly couldn't notice any difference but felt way more fun for us doing it oh yeah it could be the flip the other way around it's like yeah

people talking over each other yep sounds just like a Daslow edit. Yeah, absolutely. Well, I feel like, you know, this episode is kind of a good example of an IRL thing. I feel like Blakey telling that story on a Zoom call would take maybe five minutes because you wouldn't have the, you know, it's not as loose. It's not as easy to just kind of like be jumping in and riffing off the top of it versus being in the room. And it's like a story like that turns into the whole episode. That's the difference right there. I'll tell you what. You know, I was prepared basically for a Zoom episode.

You know, you've got to chuck more stuff on the fire. Yeah. But then it turns into that. You know, if that's how long content takes to get out on a normal episode again. I had about four episodes up my sleeve the other day. But we are doing Talking Dumb Dumb back on Zoom. We are back on Zoom. They weren't, Spleen's not going to take the piss

and sort of let us do whatever the fuck we want in there. So we just did that episode, got the fuck out, and now we're back in our respective bedrooms. That's it. But, yeah, a lot of fun. Thank you to Spleen, 41 Bourke Street, Melbourne. Yeah.

What else? Any other bits of business this week, Tommy? Not, look, you know, there's a roadmap getting out of there. You know, I don't really like talking about all this sort of bullshit on here, but we are going to be relatively out of here at some stage soon-ish. So hopefully the next year, early next year, is the restart of all the live shows. So that's looking good.

And, of course, in a month or so, yeah, it should be the start of us just – that's the new normal again, us in the room talking shit. I know a lot of people are down on that roadmap, but it was nice to get some sort of clarity of like a loose date of just kind of knowing mentally, all right, this is how much longer we got to do this for. That's all right. I didn't mind it.

It seems like it's a while away, but that's fine. Yeah, it's fine. So yeah, if you haven't noticed before this this week we've been sort of, you know, because we've been locked up and on Zoom, so we can talk to whoever we want, really. It seemed like a little bit of a waste to talk to people from Melbourne, sort of, or normal old mates. So we have been doing an extra effort to get a lot of interstate or international sort of people on. So I hope you guys have enjoyed hearing a few people that you haven't heard for maybe not that regularly or whatever so once um once the uh once the the the gates open and we're

allowed to you know we're doing it back in your flat again or whatever tommy get ready to hear limo every second week or fucking capper or whatever so yeah. Enjoy it while it lasts. Yes. That's it. That's it. So, but yeah. What else? Yeah. Fuck. Just, I can't. It's a horrible thing, but it is a little bit of looking at the calendar at the moment going, what if I just go to sleep for a month?

That'd make Christmas come quicker. That'd be cool. So, anyway. Looking forward to 2022. Yeah. Yeah. That's going to be be the one i got a good feeling about it everyone seemed to think 2021 was gonna be the miracle year but uh nope better luck next time yeah yeah yeah but anyway anyway still still pumping out good content we should be knighted for our contributions to content that's it um we're keeping it going we're doing this we're doing the bonus episodes every week a lot of

people getting a lot of content out there from us and uh if that sounds like something that you'd be into if you head to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club you can sign up right now and uh if you get on the right tier you can get two bonus episodes every week monday and friday's little mini episode with friends of the show, lots of great guests coming through and doing them, lots of fun riffs on there, people really enjoying them, and, yeah, a real smorgasbord of content on there for your dollar, in my humble opinion.

That's it, especially if you're in some of the Australian states that are in lockdown and you've been sort of wondering, you know, hearing this bullshit from us for ages, for years and going, you know what, treat yourself, right? There is hundreds of hours of content in there at the moment probably. So get onto it and have yourself a little splurge as a first timer. But also, of course, the big thing, the big thing is having your name read out

as part of the whole package. You might have to wait a little while. There are, of course, always a few people knocking on the door going, hmm, it's been almost three days and I know you haven't put out an episode yet, but I still haven't been read out. Yep.

So there is a little bit of a lag time. That shouldn't be something that you're expecting to hear in the first couple of months or next couple of months or the next couple of months after that either but we will get there so that's what we do right now that's the segment

here and now I open up the old unplanned title Alternator of the UTA and I immortalise some of you mere mortals into the hall of fame of people of cunts that give us money. And what a club that is. So let's crank it up now.

Hit the big red button and get the first name off this week, Tommy. Any requests? I'd like a John in there if we could. You'd like a John. Okay. Well, I'll see what I can do. All right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber.

Okay. Close, but no cigar. Thank you too. James Cole. Oh, James isn't too far away from John in my humble opinion. It's pretty close. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

Close, but no cigar. This is a good... If this had been John, I would have had to have mailed you a cigar or brought along a cigar to spleen at some stage and given it to you. Yeah. I mean, I think it's almost close enough

to still warrant a cigar. I think a consolation cigar for being... I think I wouldn't be in business very long if i fucking started giving out cigars every time someone got something wrong okay yeah i think that's very cost effective for me what do you think is the closest name to john that's not john what about what about i'm just trying to think of like you know the the saying close but no cigar right um does that you know because traditionally they give out like cigars, you know, when you have a baby. So it's like, is that someone saying to someone who's like, I don't know, had a miscarriage or an abortion, they've gone, close but no cigar.

No cigar, yeah. Do you think that's how that, that's turned up? That's not even really, this is a very dodgy avenue to go down. I mean, a miscarriage isn't close um there's you know

there's other there's other things that can happen that are closer to you getting the cigar right okay

well like what like well you know like actual complications like with the birth okay that's like alright

if it's if that's the scenario now we're getting to the humour now we're getting to the funny of the situation that's why I was hesitant to go down this avenue but's like, if that's the scenario. Now we're getting to the humor. Now we're getting to the funny of the situation. That's why I was hesitant to go down this avenue. But if it's meant to be you were about to get a cigar, if it's something that's happened during the birth, you have to assume that the cigars are out ready to go.

Whoever's dishing them out is like, well, this is a foregone conclusion. It's like a miscarriage is like the guy wasn't getting the cigar. I mean, it's still months away at that point. If you're not near the hospital, you're not getting the cigars out yet. This might be like the bright side might be a couple of hundred years ago where dying during childbirth was relatively common for the mother. So it might have been a bit of that, going close but no cigar. I guess I've got to give it to the kid now.

Yeah, dying during child. I mean, back in those days, the cigar people are saving a lot of money. They're giving out maybe like three cigars a year. Whereas now, with like more modern medicine, they're, you know, if you're running the cigar shop, if you're giving out a freebie every time someone has a kid, you're fucking going broke. The cigar shop that's in the hospital, they're just going broke. Cigars?

No, no. Cigars? The cigar industry, every time they make advances in modern medicine, they're like, fuck yeah. Great. More cigars to be sold. Nothing giving in the way of cigars being sold. I'm looking at it as it's the

the cigar industry is giving them out for free they've just committed to it every time someone has a kid come in and you get a free cigar that's how I'm reading so they're off it the advice in medicine

they're like oh no why did we commit to this that's not that's not how it works. It's always fucking guys in suits and businesses. It's not some sort of McDonald's promotion where it's like, come in and claim your free cigar if you can prove that you've just had a baby.

If you can prove that you've just had a baby. Bring in the birth certificate. Come in, come in in placenta, and you get a free cigar. and you get a free cigar. And then someone tries to do that and goes into the dentist next door and they go, close, but no cigar. Yes. That's, yep, yep.

I don't mind that at all. There we go. I don't mind that at all. What if you started a business that was next to a cigar shop, you call it close, but no cigar. Oh, yes. Everyone in the neighborhood loves it.

But then the cigar shop goes out of business, so then all of a sudden it's just like a vet and your cafe just looks absolutely ridiculous. Well, to be fair, I think you would go out of business first if you called your shop Close But No Cigar and didn't mention what your business was in the name of the fucking shop. Okay, Close But No Cigar Cafe. Your cigars would have

to be so fucking shit if you didn't out outlive that business next to you yeah i but it's like i love you i love the idea of opening a business where or just like a cafe or whatever where the name of it directly relates to the place that was already there next to you when you opened up so you just move in and then the cigar shop's like, what the fuck's this? Yeah. Moves like a shop away just to make you look extra stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess that's still close. My new restaurant, the people next door are complete cunts cafe. Yeah. They'll be like, what the hell is this? What did we do? Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Well, anyway, Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

Well, anyway, James. Thanks, James. James Cole. Is that what James Cole gets? Fucking hell. That's a good riff. What more could you ask for? That's a good riff.

That's a good riff. Oh, yeah. You never know. You never know what people want out of this. Do you want a riff or do you want – sometimes people are like, oh, yeah, but you didn't make anything really cool out of my name, James Cole. Well, fucking hell. What did you expect yeah

i feel like too often we just go um yeah stacy uh what do you think of stacy i like the name stacy yeah i don't really like the name stacy i mean the the close but no cigar riff that's better that's better than that might be one of the best we've ever had for just pure firing on all cylinders comedy back and forth we were really in the zone i mean yeah what does this guy want us to say about fucking james oh cole cole's cash featured in the episode he's already sort of he's already had he's already had like 50 minutes about his name in the main episode yeah to be fair that is a good that is probably what we should have done instead of what we did.

Because you know what? We're loaded up with James Cole's cash. We are. That's what we've got now. Yep. It's Patreon money. It's sort of the equivalent of what Blakey was talking about. We've got our own monetary system now thanks to Jimmy. We bought recording gear.

We have to pay the hosting fees every month. So we put some of our own money in and then we've gotten a bit of coles cash back like literally how coles cash works you spend some you get some back yeah yeah yeah not bad um you know what fuck i should i want to say this on this bit just before we do the next name um i've got a mate at the moment who I don't understand what the fuck is going on But last night he started texting me Pictures of Like Thai beer

And then meat And like And food And me going What are you doing? And him going I'm in Thailand And I'm like

You're not And him Just the rest of the night was me going You're fucking not there And him going I am I actually am me going, you're fucking not there. And him going, I am. I actually am there. Me going, you're fucking not there. So it just went on and on.

And I did not get to a fucking conclusion. A friend who lives here? Yeah. And he's trying to wind me up. And it's worked to some degree because I'm fucking talking about it now. To every degree I think it's worked to some degree because i'm fucking talking about it now to every degree i did not work yeah well well look i don't i don't believe him there's there's five percent of me that believes him now that's why i'm bringing it up that's that's what makes you wound up that's what that's what makes it a perfect wind up because then you're thinking

about it you're still thinking about it yeah you're not just going you're full of shit yeah because you know and it's because the thing i always say you've got to give someone something they want to believe in yeah so to me someone's doing that i'm putting myself in their shoes going fuck how good would it be to be this guy my friend right now so that's what's they're selling me the perfect fucking lie in a way so i'm gonna fuck and then i then i was texting my other mates that he knows going what the fuck is going on with this guy like do you know where he is and none of them fucking answered exactly what he wanted exactly what he wanted yeah yeah yeah and then this morning they're like oh i don't know i don't i don't know I don't think so and then the other side of it is

I'm not because the other bit of it that made me definitely think well I don't think this is a thing is I'm like pretty sure this isn't the sort

of a guy that's gonna that would have got a vax by now I don't know but yeah well I don't I don't really know like you can

even if you're whatever your vax status is you can't really get on a plane you can, even if you're, whatever your vac status is, you can't really get on a plane at the moment anyway, can you? From here? Yeah, well, that's the thing. I don't know. But, you know, I mean, me and you were talking about that this last night, a better friend of the show.

You see some people that are just like, oh, here I am on a plane. You go, what the fuck are you doing? Are we just not allowed to do any of this shit at the moment? Yeah. So this friend of yours, do you think there's any way they have like a work thing or like because that's if they were able to go i think from this country if you're able if you were able to get on that plane for some kind of work reason or whatever i don't know if the vax status would even matter at that point yeah like i don't think we're at the point of them checking for that when you get on the flight

yet because it's not yeah you're right they're not all open and we're at the point of them checking for that when you get on the flight yet because it's not – Yeah, you're right. They're not all open and commercially available at this point. Yes, you're right. Look, this is a person who has gone overseas for work before multiple times. Okay. All right. It's a perfect little way of getting me. I'm just not quite 100% sure.

I'm trying to call them on their bluff and they just haven't weakened. I just keep going, this is fucking bullshit. Stop lying to me. Admit that it's not true right now. And then going, it's true. Look at the meal I'm eating right now. And very strategically cropped pictures of like beers and Thai food and stuff like that.

You need to FaceTime them and just, you know, get them unawares on video call where there's like no way of them like flubbing it or cheating it in any way. them and just you know oh get them that's what i should get the unawares on video call where there's like no way of them like flubbing it or cheating it in any way yeah fuck you're right you're absolutely dead right i should have done that last night fuck okay well no it's better because if you did no it's better doing it now because if you had have done that at the time when they're going back and forth they're gonna know he's video calling me to get to the bottom of this so if they are lying they're not gonna pick up but they're going to know he's video calling me to get to the bottom of this. So if they are lying, they're not going to pick up. But now you let a bit of time go past.

So it's just like an out of the blue. Maybe they've forgotten that. They think you've cooled off or whatever. So it's a completely out of the blue. You're going to get a genuine pickup of like, hey, what's up, man? And you'll know immediately from the background. And me pretending that it's just like apropos of nothing. I just thought I'd FaceTime you for the first time ever in our relationship.

Just felt like being on video for some reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I haven't physically seen you in about a year. I haven't bothered to come around to your house or anything like that. But yeah, just sort of catch up now. Well, that's why I'm FaceTiming you, yeah, because I've forgotten what you look like. Just be nice to see your face again.

Thanks, James. Thanks, James. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Michael Bryan. Hmm. Michael, pretty funny. I want to do this for every name. Michael, sort of in the John ballpark. Not as close as James, obviously.

But similar, sort of like... It's part of your classics. Yeah, it's similar in that it's John adjacent, I think. It's in the same tier of names, I would say. Yeah, I'd agree. Your basics. If you had to buy a name package, you'd get them all for free. James has way more in common, but Mike is, yeah, same ballpark.

I reckon you're maybe like four steps removed. It's same in that yellow is the same as red in terms of their primary colours. These are primary names. Yeah, they're backing up against each other on the colour wheel. Yeah, we're not getting into the tertiary names yet or anything like that. No, no. These are the secondary ones. These are the primary names.

Yeah, and yellow is close to red. It's not as close to red as orange. There's certainly other things that are closer than it, but it's in the vicinity. It's not blue. It's not blue. It's not blue. It's not on the other side. Is that James and John, the red and orange of names?

Yeah, they are. Yeah, and then Mike's the yellow, and over on blue would be Quentin or something. No, blue's not a primary. That's Peter. Blue's Peter. Okay, all right, all primary. That's Peter. Blue's Peter. Okay, all right. All right.

Yeah, I think. Still far away, but yeah, same kind of range. But Michael Bryan, that seems odd. It is B-R-I-E-N. It seems odd to me because you're used to seeing O'Brien. Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've ever seen that Brian as like a surname like that before. Like, it's so missing the O.

Sounds like an American newscaster. Sounds like the kind of guy you'd see, you know, you're watching like a true crime doco about something that happened in like the 80s or 90s, and they've got that great, like, grainy footage of the news reports at the time about the person going missing. And you're getting your news from Michael Bryan. Michael Bryan's updating you about the person going missing and you're getting you're getting your news from michael bryan michael bryan's updating you about this guy gone missing yeah well what about um uh you know how like o brian so so the o before the surname that means of the i think doesn't it uh yeah as Yeah, as far as I know, yeah. So it's like this guy is like Michael O'Brien would have been Michael of the Brians or of the Brian the town or Brian the people or whatever it is.

But this guy is just Michael O'Brien. He's not of them. He is them. Yeah, he's separate. He's an independent. He doesn't belong to them. He's doing his own thing. He's just pure Bryan.

Just, yeah. Well, is his family the original one? Are his ancestors the first Bryans and then everyone else after them? They're of the Bryans. Right. There we go. They're all the descendants and he's the primary Bryan. He's a time traveller.

He was the first Bryan and now he's come forward into our age. He's the primary Bryan and everyone else, the O'Bryans are all the secondary and tertiary Brians. Yep. Yep. Okay. I get it.

All right. I've worked out this. This crazy name. I've worked out the history of these two surnames. I get it now. Yep. Mike Brian. Mike Brian.

It's a, yeah, it's a very, I don't know, it's weird sounding. It does have that old weird kind of newsreader feel to it. Very like, I just picture an old, I picture an old guy. Picture an old guy in a suit. Mike Bryan. All right. That does it. I'm looking this guy up.

Yeah, we need answers. See, again, what would Mike Bryan rather? This or a riff about the cigar industry and delivering babies? Yeah. Yeah, see, look, I found a guy called Michael Bryan. I guess this is our guy. Very funnily on Facebook, all it's doing is giving me suggestions of other people called Michael O'Brien, and he's the one guy.

I wouldn't mind betting he's taken this off. He's only guy and he's taken this off his name this be true he's just taken the O away yeah I don't mind that at all yeah just go like if you just go it's of Brian it's like yeah of course I'm the descendant of this person I've got a surname that's what it you know connotes so I don't need the O on there. It's, you know, because then everyone's, your name should be Carl O'Chandler, Tommy O'Dassalo. It's like, yeah, you're of that. It's like that should be everyone's name.

That's, yeah, that's a good argument and a very good argument to change my name to Carl O'Chandler. Carl O'Chandler. That's good. That's very good. Yeah, of Chandler. Yeah, this is the guy. I found the guy.

I found the guy. He's from Newcastle. The only thing I can access on his Facebook page is him with a bunch of fucking dudes playing cricket. That's all I got. Cool. New from newcastle though what do you what do you think about newcastle uh it's fine i've only ever gone there and done gigs and seen maybe like one street worth of the city. Yeah. Always had fine shows there, but yeah, not a place that, yeah, I've really investigated too much. Yeah. We did that live show there.

We should go back. We should go back one day. Got to get you back. Yeah. It wasn't bad. It's an odd place for me in that, so it's basically the biggest non-capital city in Australia, isn't it? I don't know, but yeah. That's true.

It sounds like that would be true. It is pretty big, yeah. I don't know. I feel like, you know sometimes cities you haven't quite cracked yet. You're not quite on top of it. That's definitely a city I haven't quite cracked yet. Like you're not quite on top of it. That's definitely a city I haven't cracked. So I'm interested in going there and cracking it. What do you mean by crack it?

What would that look like to you? Well, I can't talk confidently about the city, about the town. Right. I can't go. I don't really know too much. I've been there a couple of times. Have you got that with some cities? I feel like I've done that like even, you know, I've been to Bangkok three times.

I've been to Singapore probably three times. And all I've done, I never know what to do. I never know where to go. I go to both those places and I essentially go to the fucking main street and just look around because I don't know where else to go. Yeah. So I haven't cracked any of those cities. Like people go, oh, fuck, it's Bangkok and Singapore.

I'm like, I wish I knew what to fucking do there. I don't, I'm the, the Melbourne equivalent is I just turn up to Melbourne, I walk up and down the Bourke Street Mall and go, oh yeah, Myers is great and Hungry Jack's is not bad. Yeah, I guess Melbourne's a pretty good town. Yeah. But places that you do feel like you've cracked, what's the difference?

What have you done there to make you feel like you've cracked? What's been your plan of attack to feel like you get on top of the city? Well, I feel like there are – well, if I went to – put it this way. If I went to Bangkok or Singapore now and I went there with someone else and they said to me, where should we go would say i don't know i reckon you having never been here has got just the biggest hope of me of finding somewhere good yeah i couldn't recommend anything there yeah well i mean i think my thing is if i want to feel like i'm gonna get on top of somewhere you get in and you just do some googling about what's a good restaurant, like where's good to eat. And then I feel like also

where's good for shopping kind of ends up leading to you to like a cool area. So between those two things, if I look up like, I don't know, like a record store or just like a good restaurant or like the sort of the type of local cuisine that I most want to eat, try and do some Googling and find the best example of that. And then, you know, you just look up how to get there and then all of a sudden, if you do that, if you do like a different version of that every day, that kind of gives you a bit of a spread of what's around and gets you a bit of a land to land.

I guess it is funny to think that of Newcastle where it's like, yeah, I haven't really cracked it apart. Yeah, I'll just Google a good hamburger joint that's like three shops up from the one I was at. Yeah, yeah. i know newcastle properly yeah i've driven past the big kfc i feel like i've got a handle on it i don't i mean yeah i don't feel like i've seen too much of it but i also feel like there's not i don't know there's not i don't mean this is a diss i don't feel like there's too much to get a handle on in newcastle really it's like i mean and but comedy is a good example of that where it's like if you if you go somewhere to just do a gig generally if you're doing a gig in a bar

it will be a kind of a cool bar to hang it you know i don't know if you've ever had that where you go somewhere to do a show and you're like you know you say to someone like oh where's a cool other bar to go to and they're like you're in it like this is this bar that has the comedy show on is like one of the only places worth going here and you go okay yeah i mean i feel like newcastle was a bit like that we were at that we're at that nice little bar and it was like should we go somewhere after this and it's like well this is this is kind of a cool spot i don't really need to go anywhere else yeah yeah yeah yeah fair enough fair enough i was just looking at the population it's over 300 000 so it's sort, it's got those Geelong vibes.

It's a big town. It's not quite a city. It's a big town. It's really just like it's a scale model of Maribor is what it is. Yeah, that's the inspiration behind it. It's stretched out. Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks, Mike. Yeah, thanks, Mike. Thanks, Newcastle. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Gerard Atkins. Oh, Gerard. Okay. We're not on the same colour wheel as John anymore. We're on like a, you know, we were on RGB and now we're on CMYK.

We've completely moved formats. This is, well, we were dealing with primaries. We're on to tertia tertiaries or something yeah i think that's um this is not i would say jared's not in the top when they're inventing names they would have invented 50 before they got to jared i reckon at least this is not in the first 50 names you think of when you're randomly going right yeah we're in we're in we've just decided that there's enough people that we need to invent names to differentiate us all.

That's a fun game show, getting a contestant out and going, name 50 names, go. You know what would be a better game show is name, like here's 50 people, name them without using names that actually exist already think of new names for these 50 people 50 of them yeah yeah think of what you'd be getting in the 30s yeah yeah yeah absolute dog shit this would take forever this is this is going to be like one ep goes for like six hours this this would be a good especially if you've got two different people to do it so then you've got one person to name 50

people without using john jared peter nick anything like that yeah you've just got to make up new sounds that yeah that's that should be named it's a good then... But then... Yep. But then you've got... One person does that to 50 people. Then you get the second contestant and they have to guess the same made-up name that the first person guesses. So then all of a sudden there's a guy looking at another dude and going, guess what the other guy made up for him,

thinks that he looks like. And then he goes, is it... Is it... Is it Yalk? And they go, I'm so sorry. It's Simmelbush. Oh, okay, right.

Yeah, not close at all. What I like is it's two teams and they have to confer. They work together to work out a new name for this person. And then the person that they're naming is in the studio and they vote on which one they like best. So that's how it's won. The person that they've come up with the name for picks which one they like more,

and then you have someone who can officiate this in the studio that they then legally get their name changed to that new sound. Oh, yes. So at the end of the year, as the credits roll, it's like someone's filling out the form and there's like the, whoever officiates that kind of stuff, it gets it all legally done. Yeah.

And it's like they're holding up the... You're looking at the car park. Yeah, yeah. You're looking at the car park, you're seeing the personalised number plates be affixed onto their car. Yep. Holding up the driver's licence to camera. Yep.

Yep. Yolk is driving out of there with his Land Cruiser with Yolk number plates on. And whoever's coming in for the start of the show, if you're a contestant, you have to sign the waiver. I don't want my name anymore. I can't use it ever again. Yeah. This is the name from now on.

Yolk Simmelbush. Yeah. I don't mind. This is a name. This is a good show. This is a fun show. This would be fun to watch. Just people

inventing names. Yeah. This is what we pitch along with Funny Fellas. Yeah. You know what's good about this format? We have the format. We do a season of it.

People love it. Then the network's like, we're getting near the end of your order for the first season. And we don't want there to be any gaps in the schedule. We don't want people to be going without the show for too long because the demand is so high. So then we do what they always do with these shows celebrity version we get celebs come in grant daniel's like i'm sick of being grant daniel he comes in and then we get teams of people going like all right let's just look at him and come up with some sounds that should be his name yeah it's not grant daniel it's someone that was on you know know, My Restaurant Rules 17 years ago.

Yeah. That's who it is. No celebrities coming in. No celebrities coming in and fucking looking at us and going, can you give me a new name? Well, you never know. I mean, it's like Celebrity MasterChef or whatever. The people that they get have to have at least a passing interest in cooking.

So we're the same. We, you know, we'll take whoever maybe we get lucky maybe we get like hugh jackman is sick of being hugh jackman not saying that we're necessarily going to get yeah you're right a lot of them are going to be nobodies from other celeb reality shows but maybe we do you know we're just we just have to be open to like if someone wants their name changed, then that's great for us. And maybe we do end up just randomly landing a really big fish. It's disgraced celebrities. It's even probably criminals.

They need a new name. Their names have been fucking burned. So it can't quite be witness relocation because we're on TV telling everyone their new name. So it doesn't quite work in that way. No, but that's like a good kind of overall sort of theme for like the look and the sort of tone of the show is that it's Witness Relocation. That's kind of how you frame it. It's the Witness Relocation game show. So, yeah, we get Belle Gibson on.

She's like, you know, her name is Mud. You Google her or you find out about all the frauds and everything. She wants to pull her new con. So she needs a fresh name, a fresh alias to be able to grift people with. And we get our two teams of contestants that look at her and come up with a sound that can be her new name. Yeah, yeah. All of a sudden, all of a sudden, Grax Mithran.

Yes. Great. Congratulations, Grax. Welcome to your new life Get out there Live your life Yeah Yeah Well thanks

Thanks Jared Jared yes Thanks Jared Atkins Thanks Jared Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Tom Kelly

Okay Okay Tom's Tom's probably the closest one We've had to John since James, I think. Oh, wow. What a show this is where you get to say that sentence. Wow, Tom's the closest name to John since we read out James two names ago. Great.

Fuck. What a supreme waste of everyone's time. Yeah, sorry, James. You have now been relegated to the second closest to the name John of this episode. To be honest, I think James is closer to John than Tom. I think they're both... I'd say they may be equally close. You can't overlook the first letter.

That's true. You can't overlook the power of sharing the same first letter. Well, I dare say James is going to be the closest. I mean, I, of course, can't see what the next name is going to be after this fourth one. But I'm pretty happy to say that I think James is going to be as close as we get to John in this episode. Yeah, well, who knows?

Congratulations. Congratulations. It's not going to get any better than that. If you want to give out the title now, I mean, personally, I wouldn't be so hasty just because you never know what's around the corner. I'm calling it. I'm confident. I'm calling it.

You're calling it? I'm calling it. We are not going to get any closer to John than James. Well done, James. Okay. You are the winner. You're just, man, you shouldn't pay out on the grand final before they, you know, at halftime.

Nah, you've got to take risks. I really don't think. You've got to roll the dice every now and then. You don't have to. You don't have to. You know, it's like we're in lockdown. There's nothing else exciting going on. You've got to liven up your life a little bit.

You've got to roll the dice. You've got to see what happens. You think James is 10, 12 goals up at halftime. Pay it out now. Yeah, I'm out. You know what? I think you just – I've seen this sort of thing happen before. I know it's unlikely.

I know it's a 101 shot, but still, you know know i'm a rooter for the underdog you know me yeah so i you just can't rule it out i think yep but anyway that's up to you yeah i'm not saying everyone should rule it out i'm just saying yep i'm done i'm i'm i've called it but anyway uh you just can't see anything closer fair enough yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tom Kelly. Tommy K. Kelly, quite like it as a surname. Don't mind it at all. Yeah. It's pretty good.

Tom as a first name. Can take or leave it, obviously. But yeah, Kelly, good strong surname. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Do you reckon the descendant of Ned Kelly, are we dealing with that? Oh, a real rogue. He's actually spending the Kelly inheritance on us.

Yes. This is his very long game laundering of money. Yes, exactly. He's had the gold coins and the doubloons out in the backyard for a couple of hundred years, and he's finally had the temerity to dig them up and try and work them through the system. And he's sent them straight to patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Well, can you see what currency people subscribe in on Patreon?

Does this come up as doubloon? Yeah, hang on. Let me have a look. Oh, yeah. Actually, he does subscribe 30 shillings a week. So that is a little bit of a giveaway. Confirmed. Yeah.

Confirmed. Yeah, that is little bit of a giveaway. Confirmed. Yeah. Confirmed. Yeah, that is a bit of a giveaway. Yeah. Well, thank you, Tom. Yeah. Very generous. Should have checked that first. Yeah.

Yeah, thank you for giving us your ancestors' dirty, rotten, filthy lucre that he earned from fucking, I don't know, stabbing stagecoaches or whatever the fuck he did back then. How do you think he gets the headphones in over the little kind of the fucking hat with the slit in the front? Because I presume all the descendants are all dressing the same as Ned. Well, yeah, I mean, well, that's how things work. I mean, right now, Tommy, you're wearing like a Fox baseball hat, which obviously your great-great-grandfather used to wear back in the day.

Wearing a Uniqlo polar fleece, which, yeah, caveman Dassolo probably had on back in the day. Uniqlo's a pretty famous company. They've been around for a while. So, yeah, sure, it makes sense. Yeah, Japanese cavemen. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. The richest caveman in Japan.

Yeah. Well, we're getting those beautiful shillings out of Glenn Rowan, where obviously he still lives, just outside the... You know what? It is a good question. Did he have kids? I don't know. Are they descendants of Ned Kelly?

Yeah, did Ned Kelly fuck? Yeah. Let's look this up. Fuck, what a waste of a relatively cool career if he didn't. If he wasn't nutty. He didn't do that. Yeah. Yeah, he died when he was 26.

Wow. Yeah, it's a lucky guy. It's a touching guy, but. Yeah. Are there any descendants of Ned Kelly? Three Sunshine Coast residents who are direct descendants of Bush Ranger Ned Kelly. Okay. So, yeah.

There are some descendants of him. Does he have... Okay. See, that's a cool thing. Surely that's a... In terms of Australian history, is there a cooler person to be descended from than him?

I mean, look, I won't say 100% cool because you see the sort of person that has a Ned Kelly back tattoo is not someone I, you know, think is a cool person at all. Well, but that's not,

that's not Ned Kelly's fault. You know, it's like people getting, people getting the Southern Cross on them. It's like a bunch of stars didn't do anything wrong. It's the fucking, it's the idiots that like having that on their body that are the problem. You're right. I still like being illuminated by them. I haven't cancelled them or anything like that.

Yeah, beautiful to look up at. I'm not refusing to use their light. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going camping and looking up and going, God, this is problematic. Yeah. Yeah, not a big night guy. guy, more of a day guy. The sun's never done anything wrong. God, it gets racist when the sun goes down and you just look up there and you go,

fucking hell, it's like a big cape up in the sky. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, generally I used to like the night because it's sort of like a you know time of day of colour and I'm all for you know

them representing being represented within the day yeah but that Southern Cross has made things quite problematic

yeah well thanks thanks Tom thanks Tom Kelly alright we've got to we did do a long episode so we better

yeah let's wrap this up I think we just got a mattress delivered That I'd better go help out with Really? Yep A new what? Mattress

A new what? A new mattress A new what, Tommy? What? A new workbench What are you talking about? Sorry, mate. Haven't been around the fellas for a while,

so I've kind of lost that instinct. Jeez, you need a new mattress. Someone's been busy in lockdown. Yeah. Very interesting. Absolutely. No, when we moved house, we kept my bed. And from me being alone in it for a long time,

there is apparently a big canyon down one side of it because the mattress has just molded to me sleeping on one side by myself for five years or so. And my girlfriend was sick of it because she kept rolling over and like falling into the canyon onto my side of the bed. Falling into the lonely chasm. Yeah. That's great.

Yeah. Podcaster's ditch, as we call it. Yes. All right. We'll just do one more very quickly. All right, here we go. Thank you very much to Patreon and subscriber. Oh, God. Look, Tommy, you might want to look away.

I don't think you're going to be very happy. Well, I'm feeling pretty confident that I'm about to win big here, walk away with a lot of money. Win? I'm feeling pretty confident that I'm about to win big here, walk away with a lot of money. Quite the opposite, actually, Tommy. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber John Comedy. Wow, I feel like this.

To be fair, actually, to be fair, Tommy, you've done the right thing because you said James is the closest to John. John is actually John. So you have actually won. You've done the right thing because you said James is the closest to John. John is actually John. So you have actually won. You've done the right thing. If this name was John. Congratulations. If this name was John, that would be the closest.

That would be the closest name to John because it's like M is one letter away from N. That's the closest without going over is the name John. That is great. If we have John Comedy coming to episode one of our new renaming people show and he

gets Jom. Jom. As his new name. Jom Conody. Yeah. Jom Conody. Jom Conody.

All right. Well, thanks, John. Thanks, Conody. Thanks, everyone who supports the show. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub to get yourself two bonus episodes a week. Yeah, thank you for listening, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates.