The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 576 - Denise Scott & Joel Creasey

Episode Date: October 13, 2021

It's an episode four months in the making as we welcome back DENISE SCOTT and JOEL CREASEY! Denise comes in red hot as we hear about how her partner has become a breakout star in lockdown. Meanwhile, Chandler's in trouble for reminiscing about a fancy hotel in Koh Samui and Joel has a very full-on connection to one of the most popular towns in our search for somewhere to do a country town gig. PLUS Tommy has a story about Denise uncovering some hot goss at a show he was at, and Denise has a surprise, explosive ending to the story! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Denise Scott and Joel Creasy, brought to you by our friends at the Catfish Bar on Gertrude Street in Fitzroy. Go check them out, they're doing takeaway at the moment. They're also a great bar to hang out at when things are reopened, but we are broadcasting live from there. Great fun episode, we are going to be back to talk to you more at the end of this In Talking Dum Dum, but until then, enjoy this new episode with Joel Creasy and Denise Scott. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. We've got two very special guests joining us here at the Catfish today. Please welcome back into the Little Dum Dum Club, Joel Creasy and Denise Scott. Stream team, Denise.

I know. Wow. I'm only here because of you. Oh, likewise. That's why I'm here for these two. I'd be happy if I never saw them again in my life. Hey, look, the pandemic's been good for us, guys. With lockdown in Melbourne, it's like this is the only chance we get people like you on the show.

You've got fucking literally nothing else to do. I'm running out of excuses. This episode has been on the boil for about three or four months at this point. We were about to do it right before the lockdown hit. It's got to be more. It feels like more. It feels like longer. It feels like longer. Yeah.

Better deliver. Very excited to finally... Yeah, I'm just sitting here in a zombie-like state. So please proceed and maybe I'll come to life at some point. I do feel like you're like Brendan Fraser in Blast from the Past or something where you've been unfrozen in the fucking future. It's like we've got to teach you how civilisation works. You're sitting here in shock the whole time.

I am so excited on the walk here to finally get this episode happening. I was like, this will be so fun. It'll be great to see Joel and Denise. And then Denise turns up and goes, fuck, I'm in a bad mood today. Yes, I did. That was my first words. But fair enough, I was trying to use PayPal.

You know. Fuck, you've gone through all of lockdown 18 months without knowing how to use PayPal. I don't use PayPal. Wow. No, I don't. You've been saving a lot of money. Well, I've been...

Well, I... Oh, look, I'm not going to go into my financial details. There we go. She's back. She's back. But yeah, you were trying to send money to your son. Jordy was doing a performance in Nashville. Yes, because he was streaming, live streaming from Dee's Lounge

in Madison, Tennessee, in Nashville. And yeah, so John and I, we watched How About That for being supportive parents. And then thought, well, we'll pay something at the end. Yeah. And just like normal, like we bought a ticket. Yes. I wasn't trying to send him a fortune.

How much? How much? I was going to pay $100. Oh, that's pretty good. Well, it's not for when your kid hasn't worked for 20 months. I know, but no one else. Or been able to get any government funding. I don't know why they ever went to Nashville.

And they've got a dog now, so they're staying in Nashville. And I just couldn't figure it out, and I blamed my son. I said, why doesn't he just fucking make it easy for me and tell me exactly the steps to take? Why doesn't he have Venmo set up? Much easier to use. I don't know.

Doesn't that only work overseas? I don't know. Yeah, it probably does. I don't know. Anyway, fascinating stuff. But you must be on like Wicca and Signal and all those apps. Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure I am.

Wicca? Whoa, hey. It's used for very dodgy reasons, Wicca. What is it? Yeah, yeah, for sure. For sure I am. Wicca? Whoa, hey. It's used for very dodgy reasons, Wicca. What is it? It's one of those encrypted apps that people buy drugs with. Oh, yes, I've got that. You're either using them to buy coke or organise a right-wing protest. Oh, that's where they organise all the protests on as well, those apps.

What's the dark word place they used to use it for drugs? Silk Road. Silk Road. Silk Road. Oh. So that's it. When you said that, I didn't recognise.

That's the generation gap between. I'm between you guys. I didn't know what you were talking about. I know Silk Road, whereas you don't know Silk Road at all. No, I don't. No, I don't. That's old school crypto.

I know the guy down the street who sells them at the front gate. Black market before Silk Road. Come come on let's keep life simple if you were a being a right wing anti-vaxxer with a coke addiction you'd be in heaven at the moment just knock off two birds with one stone

hit the protest get your little bag ready to go I have heard stories from friends of the show where they've found themselves in an ATM and then seen another comedian at the ATM and then gone, why are you at the ATM? It's like the same reason you're at the ATM? To buy a certain thing?

Well, before that, you don't even need to ask. If you just see on the screen, withdraw $300, you know immediately the universal figure for a bank of Coke. I know. I hate it when someone charges me $300 cash for something. I'm like, oh, do you know how that's going to look on my account? Please, like anything else, I'll pay more than $400. I did not know this.

That's your standard. That's the going rate. Are you still going into the bank with your checkbook to get the $300? No, I'm not. But today, John said, what do you want? A fucking checkbook. And I said, yes, I do. I want a checkbook coming back.

And John, for those listening, he's my partner. I love John. For 40 years, do you? Yes, he's become a bit of a star during COVID. I see him all the time on the telly and your socials. It pisses me off. During COVID, I think I'm all the time on the telly and your socials. It pisses me off.

Because, right, so I was, when lockdown started in Melbourne, Studio 10, I'd already left the show, but they said, oh, could you do some, what do you call it, Zoom? Yeah. You know. Sure. And one of the early. So you worked at Zoom but not PayPal. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, I'm all right technically. So you can do TV, you just can't get paid for it. Yeah. Yeah. I do everything for that. I've never understood how money works. But so John, in one of the first live crosses from our kitchen, we had one thing planned where he was going to walk across playing the trombone

but then he pulled out every trick in his, you know, like gladiator. Because he's a clown. Well, and so he walked across playing the trombone. Oh, that was funny. Then he arrived with, then he went past juggling, juggling. As I'm trying to tell the story. Oh, that's hilarious. Then whatever else, you know, he had his mask, came past in a mask.

Well, studio team and audience loved him. And what are you talking about in the foreground while he's doing that? Oh, whatever. How are you separating? How are you separating? But then, so then, but as lockdown went on, I would beg him to be in the live crosses with me because I had nothing. Yes.

I had nothing. Yeah. And then he was being requested. Like, people were only going to use me if John was. Yes. We could have done with John in the first five minutes of this pod, to be honest. Yes. And then,

this is about a week ago, whatever it was I was on, Facebook or Twitter or whatever, social media, Studio 10 comes up. Who, which celebrities, because you know you could have four people, you could invite

four people to your picnic. Yeah, yeah. Which groups of four? John's face is there as part of the, not me. Right. John. Not even there. Not in there, not to be seen.

Oh, my God. John, you know, he was up there, though, with, I don't know, Paul Hogan and Bindi Irwin or something. That's a hell of a picnic. Anyway, so yeah. Wow. So John's breakout career out of lockdown, are you putting on a show for him?

You've got to strike while the iron's hot. Imagine that, you doing a live new hour of comedy and him going past on a unicycle. I know, I know. I know where it'd lead. It'd be a tremendous success. Absolutely. And that would be the end of us.

Really. This is all about me. Yeah. For sure. You'd get furious because it's too hard to pay our money to him. Yeah. I did a thing with my wife the other day. Oh, well, keep it to yourself.

That's the only thing I've got going on. Good on you. Good on you. That's the only thing I've got going on. I'm sharp. I really have come to life. You've got to be quicker to get over the back of John's drums or whatever the fuck you play.

So she's on a Zoom call. You're spinning plates in the background. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I thought I was trying to cheer up. I'm a big one in lockdown for going back into the phone, scrolling back into the photos, looking at holidays, pictures, just reminding myself and then reminding other people and stuff like that.

Better times. Yeah, exactly. Trying to get a few. What's the drug that you put into yourself? Dopamine. Dopamine. Cocaine. $300.

Dopamine. From the man on the corner. Yeah, you go and see the man on the corner and he goes, you're looking great. Oh, thanks, mate. That feels good. Just to go back quickly, it's just so funny busting someone with $300 because it's like nothing else costs $300.

It's such a specific amount that it's like you can't tell me you're buying anything else with this in cash. Do you know what? I am old school in terms of I do go to the ATM all the time and I do pull out 300 bucks all the time and it's never for that. The people running your bank must think you have a raging bank account.

I know and it is the same. It's always a little bit, but you know what? I must look even dodgier because I'm always pulling out like 290. So it looks like I'm trying to throw people off the scent. But what I'm really doing is trying to get a bit of change. Or you go so regularly to buy drugs, you're getting $10 off. You'll get your discount. You've got a stamp card.

Yeah. So I'm pulling out the old photos. I'm trying to find better times or whatever. So I'm pulling out the old photos I'm trying to find better times or whatever I find a picture A rare picture for me Of me being in Thailand I'm there with my wife

I'm at the W Which you were going to stay at once Oh yes in Koh Samui I love the W I've got a contact there that's why Well we don't which is why i went there for a drink and nothing else so yeah cost as much as a room in a hotel in another honestly yes yes so we're at the w and um because of my wife who i'm of course i'm the one who wants to be at the places that cost

13 and cost you know one dollar for for a chang or whatever she's like no we have to go there i'm like no problem at all we'll go there for the afternoon so then i find some pictures of us there and go great i'm gonna i'm down the road i was having a jog i'll send that to my wife send the picture of her obviously i'm sitting there she's there you got the w in the background lovely day i sent that to her i'm out for a few hours don't hear anything like i. I thought I would have got a bit of love there. Like it's a picture of her in her favourite place and we're in lockdown, whatever. I get home and it's, what the fuck was that?

I'm like, oh, what, you don't like being, well, you're a bit down or whatever because you're locked in and you can't go there or whatever. And I'm like, and she's like, no, no, no. Why did you send me a picture of another woman? And I went, oh, what? And I look at it. No, it's not her.

I've taken a picture of someone else. Oh, my God. What? I don't know why. It looks a bit like her. Can I just hold you right there? Because Tommy, Joel, and myself are now looking at one another in shock and discomfort possibly because something's gone on. I already thought my posture was pretty bad but I am leaning in further than I ever thought possible.

So it is a picture of a woman who looks like my wife. That you've taken. That I've taken, but... Thinking it is her. No. So what I realise, what I think I've done is, I've just taken a picture, I think a general picture of the resort, of where we are.

Right. But this woman is in the picture. In focus. Yes. So you're there with your wife, you're taking a photo, you're not in the photo. No, I'm not in the photo. But in this photo of the atmosphere,

there does also happen to be a woman who looks like your wife, who you're sitting with when you took a photo. You're not in the photo. No, I'm not in the photo. But in this photo of the atmosphere, there does also happen to be a woman who looks like your wife who you're sitting with when you took the photo. On second glance, when I've looked back at it two or three years later, I've gone, I've clearly taken a picture of my wife here. Well, you haven't seen her for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got what she looks like. So then, but here's the other thing.

I've taken the picture of her. You slept with her? No, no, no, no, no. That resort was way too expensive. That would have cost more than $300. It's not cheating if it's content for a podcast. We all know that rule. Yeah, it's not cheating if it looks like you, Leah.

Okay? I was thinking of you because it looked like you. It's a compliment. It shows how much I love you. I could have cheated with anyone. She was rich. She was taking a W. I could have cheated with a local.

It would have been a lot cheaper instead. So I've thought I've just taken a general picture and then in hindsight I've then gone, oh, that's her.

The next problem is that not only, like my excuse is, I thought it was you when I looked back at it. I thought it was you. I thought I was sending this to you.

Then that's no good because on close reflection of it, she goes, that woman is about 30 kilos heavier than me. Good Lord. Wow. You just are. Wow. I've absolutely fucked it. Oh, no.

This is like you want to get in trouble. You're not even, you're not, so you're just, you're selecting the photo from the album and just firing. Yes. You know, there's a lot of screenshots in your photo album. It's like... Yeah, I've got to be a lot more careful given what I've got in my phone. Absolutely.

How many photos do you think you have in your photo gallery? Because I checked the other day. I have 55,000. Oh, wow. No, I've got 10,000. I know I've got 10,000 because I feel like 10,000 is a bit depressing. So I keep editing now to make sure I keep under 10,000. Oh, no, I'm at 55,000.

But you're right, it's all screenshots of other people. I wouldn't have a clue. Not many. But I have been taking – Photos of QR codes? I love that. Photos of men that look like John? No, we had a plant appear in our backyard.

So we had a plant appear in our backyard. Anyway, this Mexican lily appeared that I wasn't expecting. Yeah. And so I've taken photos of that every day. Oh, gosh. I know. You're so rock and roll. I know.

And as you can imagine, social media, it's gone off. It's just gone off. I'm getting like 12 likes maybe. Is there another more entertaining flower in the background? No. Studio 10 will be requesting a Mexican lily next. Sorry, but you talking about your wife and the woman 30 kilograms heavier, I'm trying to remember the context,

but John and I, it was in between lockdowns and we were at a memorial actually. And John had told me, oh, this woman, I won't say her name. I'll call her Mary. This woman, Mary. Oh, you know, she's been coming along, practicing. Now I'm giving too much away. Anyway, Mary reminds, he'd come home and said,

Mary really reminds me of you, Scotty. And I met Mary and I couldn't have been more upset. Brutal. She was enormous. Oh, right. I'm whispering enormous and a pain in the arse. No redeeming features. Absolute pain in the arse.

Face, nice face. So I went up to John and went, what the hell? Why did you think I, why did I remind you of Mary? Anyway, I can't give the proper context of that. You can't ever do it. You've got, if you're going to like compare someone to a partner, it's got to be like, like Holly, like beautiful Holly. Absolutely.

I started getting, I used to get like when I was younger, Leonardo DiCaprio. Happy with that. Now I'm getting Gordon Ramsay. No. All the time. Did you ever? You're just calling too many people cunts. I think that's your problem.

I don't know. And he's so wrinkly. I don't know anyone with more Botox than myself. I don't know what it is. Is it, I don't know. Got a big forehead, perhaps? No, I can see both. Now that you've said Leonardo DiCaprio.

I'm still seeing a lot of Leo, yeah. I used to get Leo in What's Eating Gilbert Grape. I was like, okay, I would have preferred Titanic, but I'll take it. Your mum wasn't so happy. Or Ellen, but she's been cancelled. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I'd love for you to track down this woman who was at the W. Well, yeah, I should before the end of the episode.

I'll track down the picture. I'll find the picture. You were asleep out the front of the venue when I turned up. Is this related to that with your wife that she kicked you were asleep out the front of the venue when i turned up is this related to your wife she kicked you out well look all right well here's part two um this is this is this is the counseling yeah i was just kidding i'm feeling sick my stomach's doing somersaults this is the bit this is the bit that my wife has found out about oh so no no no so it can get it can get worse. Don't worry.

There's something. The other shoe hasn't dropped yet. Yeah. So before lockdown, so this is quite a while back, I realized that I don't know where my wedding ring is. Oh, yeah. Wearing it. So you gave it to this woman that you took the photo of.

Down on one knee. Yes. And gave my own wedding ring. I don't know. So I just kept thinking, you know, I'll give myself a couple of weeks here or there. Yes, it'll turn up. It's done it before. It's done it in the washing machine. It's done it before.

Yeah, it's gone walkabout. No fault of mine. So I've given myself a bit of time. The gyms were still open then i was i went back and checked every level of that um i was like you just got why did you bother checking the gym i think that's pretty obvious it's downhill from his house yeah they sell the cheap coke at the front so 290 bucks so um i i keep giving myself that extra week and go no no it'll turn up it'll turn up

but we're we're quite deep into this must be probably two nearly three months it's been missing now which is very concerning for me that i'm clearly not going to find it but even more concerning that my wife has absolutely not noticed that i'm not wearing it so she could not give a fuck obviously but i am waiting for she's not she's not going to take it well people are listening to this here's another task shut your fucking mouth yep okay no dobbing on this episode thanks because she hasn't found out yet and so i'm just waiting to see if the reaction is going to be worse or better than the the fat photo that i sent her.

Yeah, because she's been very busy. She's doing a lot of Zoom calls and stuff. So it kind of stands to reason that you might not notice around the house. But do you think there would ever be a thing where she's like, hey, let's get some professional photos taken for our anniversary. So of course you've got to have the ring on in those photos. You know what the killer thing is going to be? Is that she notices that when we go out, if we're going to go out together, that's the one time she looks, I reckon.

Of course. Really? Yeah, because if we're going out, we're presenting together. You know, it looks dumb if we're arm in arm or whatever and we're with family or something like that and I'm not wearing the ring. As long as we're stuck in, as long as we can keep in lockdown, I think I'm okay. Okay, right. You've got a couple of weeks. You're trying to drive these cases up so that we never get out.

Yes. Could you get another one? That's what I was thinking, like a goldfish replacing it. Or could you just get a cheap? Do I go the bewitched angle? Do I all of a sudden race around and get an identical ring without the wife knowing and all this sort of stuff? A sitcom style.

I think this is literally an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah, yeah. I was about to say, oh, this sounds like, but then I'm like, no, this is literally a plot from an episode. And then she'll find a receipt for a ring, you know, and then it'll be the fat woman in Thailand. For take two. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, then she'll think I'm trying to propose to her

with a man's ring. What do you think, Denise? If John just didn't have his ring on, do you think how quickly do you think he'd notice? We never got married. Oh, okay. We never got married. So it would be weirder if he turned up with a ring on. With a ring on.

Okay, yeah, reverse question. He just started wearing a ring. How long would it take you to be like, have you gotten married? And he's married fat, annoying Denise down the road. Mary. Yeah, I thought, what, annoying Denise down the road. Mary. Yeah, I thought, what are you? Anyway. No, I don't know.

I don't know what we're talking about now. Maybe we could have it tattooed on. Yeah. You got to get a cheap. You got to get a fake. I know, but what do I do? Do I go to cash converters and just like? It might be there.

Oh, yeah, it could be. Fuck, that would be bad if like, yeah, they're like, don't you remember, sir, you came down here like six weeks ago when you were looking for coke money? A man named Greg Fleet was here. The odds are good that we've got like a, what's it called, like a silversmith or something that listens to this show. Someone who could like make you a...

You send them a photo of the original and they do you a knock-up. You go, give me the cheapest. Melt down some Coke cans. Thank you for giving me the respect that you think I've got a photo of it somewhere. That there's some particular design. Surely somewhere you've got to... Because it's got to look the same. But do you want it?

Do I want it? What do you mean? Do you want the ring? The original ring or a new ring? A ring. One in general. Well, you haven't worn it for three months. Do you want to be married?

Does it bother you that you haven't? So these are cracking onto you. Does it bother you you haven't got a ring? I am not fussed. Look, this is a thing I've been in trouble for before because my wife thinks I should be wearing the ring all the time. I'm not much of a jewellery wearer. I don't particularly want to wear it.

This is how I've obviously lost it. You take it off at the gym because it gets scratched and whatever. So I've taken it off there. I've put in my shorts. I haven't done my zip up, whatever. You haven't done your zip up? Well, you know my zip up. Sorry, sorry, my pocket.

That's where I keep it. It's a big ring. More of a belt, really. Yeah, I don't want it to get damaged or anything, so I'm just putting it loose in my dirty pocket next to my dick and balls while I'm working out. And I swear I remember when I must have lost it because I do remember once going,

I don't need to zip up my pocket every time, do I? Yep. There you go. That'll be it. That'll be it. It's gone now. Look, the good thing is it's probably easily replaceable in a way because I did pick the simplest design. There's no Celtic fucking design.

There's no... No. I'm not one of the Red Hot Chili Peppers or something. I'm not getting some fucked in the head tribal tattoo over my... Famous for their gaudy wedding rings. It's stupid, you know. It's plain Jane wedding ring. It's just a pure silver looking ring.

It's almost like you got it designed with this very scenario in mind. When I lose this, I want this to be easier. Does your wife listen to this podcast? Absolutely not. No, fair enough. Having said that, the in-laws want this to be easier. Does your wife listen to this podcast? Absolutely not. No, fair enough. Having said that, the in-laws do listen to it occasionally. But this is deep in the episode now. They would have surely switched off.

And it is sounding like you care-ish. Yes, yes. Yeah, it's hard to tell whether you're fussed about getting it back or not. You kind of seem to have given up on it. I'm fussed. I'm personally not fussed. I'm fussed about I'm personally not fussed. I'm fussed about not getting in trouble.

I'm fussed about having to cop it and having her upset and the rest of it. Me, I don't, yeah, I don't need to,

you know, wear one around. New contest. This is a way we can involve the listeners. Find Carl's lost wedding ring out there in the streets and we'll send you a t-shirt.

You know what? There is a lot of our listeners in, I've learned over the last couple of months, in Richmond and Haw learned over the last couple of months, in Richmond and Hawthorne. I'm getting a bit paranoid actually because there's so many in Richmond and Hawthorne.

That's where I go for runs. And whenever I'm running, I feel like I keep running into people as I'm having a run after a hangover or something. So I'm having a real shit-ass run down the street and then a listener's coming up going, Hey, Chando, how you going? I i'm like i'm usually faster than this i'm usually way fucking better than this i'm looking like an absolute piece of shit down bridge road i must say i often do see people in

your merch and i think what is wrong with you i see them all the time wow people do listen to that podcast i begrudgingly go along to twice a year. When there's no other options. Nothing else is happening. I've got to go for a COVID test. I can't make it. It's the boys or it's Real Housewives of Melbourne. Which one am I going to commit to today? I've spent the week with the Real Housewives of Melbourne. It's been heaven.

What were you doing with the Real Housewives of Melbourne? I've been hosting all their launch events for them. And Foxtel very bravely decided to put all the Real Housewives of Melbourne on Zoom. Now, they have, if you can't use PayPal, the Real Housewives of Melbourne certainly don't know how to use any technology whatsoever. I don't know how they do it. One of them uploaded a photo to Instagram the other day. They crunched down the quality of the photo to like two pixels. I wouldn't even know and cropped themselves out of it by mistake.

I wouldn't even know how to do that if I wanted to. Yeah. But it's been, you know, I've just been like a pig in shit. I love it. I've been absorbing a lot of Real Housewives viral osmosis in this lockdown because my girlfriend loves it. It's great. It's escapist.

Yeah. I got a cameo from Dorinda for my girlfriend's birthday oh my god from york wow so i've never watched any of this but my again my wife's um very into it but i noticed the other day that one of them follows us on instagram and follows their stand-up and whatever oh Is one of the Real Housewives a fan of this podcast? Is it Gamble? Yes. Gamble Bro? Yes. Yeah, she's good.

Well, she started doing stand-up. Oh, okay. Yes. I used to do a Halloween show every year, and she did some stand-up at my Halloween show, and then she got the bug. And then she did a gig at the library, at the state library, she was telling me, which I've never done a gig at the state library.

No, well, are you sure there was a gig happening? It wasn't just Gamble going into the library. Hi, everyone. I've got a few things to say. You know what? Probably other people watching thought she must be doing a gig here because why would a real housewife be in a library? I think that was a lot.

I think she's done two but I'm sure she's a fan. She loves her comedy. Okay. Wow. Because I saw her on Have You Been Paying Attention? Oh yes, that was Gamble, yeah.

And she was cracking a few gags there. Oh, there you go. And I thought, they're prepared. She thought, bitch, she's coming for my gig.

Yeah, right. Get out, Campbell. Campbell. Because I saw that she follows us or something, so I looked her up on Wikipedia, and the first thing it says is she's a libertarian. I'm like, oh, there we go. There we go.

That's what we get. That's what we attract. Well, she's married to an eye doctor, a gorgeous eye doctor, who he lasered my eyes for me when I had my eye surgery a few years ago. Yes. It was wonderful. If we get her on this show and we get in the background of a Real Housewives episode, that would be pretty awesome.

I don't want to be on it. If I can get my wife on it, that'll make up for the missing wedding ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the fat photo. Yeah. Yeah. Your wife being on the Real Housewives full stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the fat photo. Yeah. Yeah. Your wife being on The Real Housewives

full stop. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like, wife of a famous podcaster. Absolutely.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The wife of like a plastic surgeon and the wife of a bloke who runs an open mic. It's perfect. They can all make fun of her. He lost his ring.

What a loser. Yeah, she can be like the make-a-wish kid on The Real Housewives. Considering what you have to put up with, they give her all the hand-me-downs. They give her everything. Yeah. And then you can appear because they always have the partner on the show.

Right. Partners appear all the time. I was trying to convince my partner to go on, but he was not interested. So that's one of two potential reality show stars that listened to our show then because we found out that one of the Gogglebox people listened to our show because we found out because she turned up on Gogglebox with our T-shirt on. One of these people that you're describing.

Was this Anastasia? That's the premier of Queensland. Oh, yeah. But isn't there an Anastasia on Gogglebox? Yeah, there is Anastasia, and they're the two that have been there forever. Yeah, yes. Faye?

Faye's the one. That's it, Faye. How do I know that? Yes, yes. Ding. And so wearing it on screen on the episode. Wearing it on screen, which we were very excited by, except then we realised no one is ever watching goggle box

watching the t-shirt of someone going hey let's listen to that podcast yeah i better google what that phrase is yeah yeah yeah oh they're the good ones though they're quite cool they're the ogs anastasia and faye that's good that's good we got a message about them they're very worried that it was gonna that someone working on the show was gonna realize before it went to air what it was and cut it out of the episode oh blurred out that would be awesome like yeah when it's like

when it's something on like I guess the ABC or whatever and someone's wearing like a Nike shirt and they've had to but you can still it's like that's the swoosh

even with pixelation over it it's clearly the swoosh yeah yeah fuck that'd be brutal like someone's wearing a shirt with cunt on it it gets blurred out

then you see someone else wearing our T-shirt. That gets blurred out treated the same way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck no. What about this? So we've been talking on the show lately about given we're in this situation, we're on lockdown, we haven't been live shows.

None of us have done any live shows, all this sort of stuff. We've been wanting to get out of there. Once we get out, we want to do something, get away, travel. We've been talking about doing a country gig, a country town gig. Not like a good country town, like sort of a shitty country town gig.

Just find somewhere that maybe has been, you know, no one's going to, there's no tourism happening. We get to get out of town. We maybe get to travel two, three hours,

something like that. So we put out to listeners where we should sort of go. We don't want to go to Lorne. We don't want to go to Dalesford. No, gorgeous. They don't need the fire. Theyne. We don't want to go to Dalesford. No, gorgeous. They don't need the fire. They'll be fine.

Also, they won't let us in. We need something worse than us to go to. We need to be able to brighten them up somehow. So we put that out. A lot of people, I thought you might be interested in one of the leading contenders, something that's been voted for quite a few times already. Can I guess? Yes.

Colac? Yes. Surprise, surprise. The town where you nearly got gay bashed. Should we go there? Yes, please go. Because then Rhys Nicholson and I went back and did a documentary there. It's been a week there.

That is right. I saw that. So very, very briefly, what was the original story? So the original story was I was there on Roadshow and someone came up. Comedy Festival Roadshow. So a bunch of you guys doing just stand up in one show. Yeah, I can't remember who was there. Edo was there.

That's all I remember. She was standing next to me because you know on Roadshow how you have to go out at the end. No, we don't. Yes, I do. I've done Comedy Festival so many times. They keep asking.

I say, I've moved on. I'm beyond that now. Really? You've never been asked to do it? Well, at the end, they make you go out and sign merch. Yeah, yeah, we know. We've seen the docos. And someone came up to me and said, I think you're really funny.

I still hate gays, though, or something like that. And I was like, yeah, okay. That's the best you're going to get in a country town. I was fine with it. I'm not bothered. But standing behind this person was a reporter for the Colac newspaper who wrote up an article about me getting abused after the show. Oh, eavesdropped that and turned that into a story.

In the spotted section. Yes, I know. I know, I got papped in Colac. So then I get invited back to a um uh lgbtqi like um uh event in colac for all the local sort of um uh like equality groups and waiting for me as i arrive were like these 30 young like i say kids but they're like 16 17 years old so like grown adults, waiting to bash me. Wow. What? Yes. Go in, do the gig, cut the ribbon, you know, flap my hands around a bit, say a few things into the microphone and leave.

They chase me to my car. So they were there when you got there? They were there when I got there. So they just let you do the gig first, but then they wanted to bash you after? Yeah, after. I might have said a few things. Cutting the ribbon is pretty gay. I imagine that's what pushed them over the edge.

Oh, absolutely. That's probably what did it. And I curled the edges like you do when you're wrapping a present. I might have said a few things back, but they started it. Yeah. And they chased me to the car. I tweeted about it. Then it made news everywhere that I was chased to my car.

So then a few years later, recent, I were invited back to investigate whether Colac was the most homophobic town in Australia. And spoiler alert, it is. But we went with quite a small film crew. So although we couldn't pick everything up on camera, there were a lot of like, faggot, as people were driving past, but our camera crew couldn't quite pick it up.

That's so funny that you're like, damn it, we nearly got that faggot. I know. We didn't get it on the tape. Do it again. Do it again. Just dressing up even more extravagantly and walked just laps down the street. I know. Rhys and I, you can imagine how much we stuck out in the middle of the Colac main drag, in drag.

But we had a good week. We had fun. And it is homophobic? Well. Or do you not want to go there? No. Imagine if I started crying. No, it's come a long way, I think, Colac.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the bakery like? Oh, the bakery's great. The bakery's great. All right, so is this a good ad for us to be going to Colac? I think you should go. Rhys has since been back on Roadshow and said it was fantastic. I've not been back.

I don't know how well I'd be received. Right. Well, I guess you'll find out when we book you as a guest on our live podcast. Oh, yeah, great. Fabulous. I'll be cancelling morning off. So have someone up your sleeve. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, look, we were lucky to get you when you live about 2K from this venue right now. So, yeah. It was a four-minute drive to get here today. Okay, all right. Well, maybe that's it. Colac has had a lot of heat. It's had a lot of people lobbying for it on the sessions. Yeah, well, yeah.

I mean, if we're going to consider it, maybe we need the angle if we're going to go there, if it's going to be, if they're on their best behavior, if they've redeemed themselves. I don't know. Well, the week we were there for the documentary, the front're on their best behaviour, if they've redeemed themselves. I don't know. Well, the week we were there for the documentary, the front page of the paper was, you know, an article saying that there's a film crew in town and two comedians, in inverted commas. That's worse than the drive-by F-bomb.

I know, I know. Filming a documentary, essentially the article was saying, be on your best behaviour this week. Oh, wow. So we get up there at the start. We're like, now, guys, you're going to get a live podcast on one strict condition. There's to be no hate crimes.

Don't bring up that we've never done Roadshow, okay, guys? Be nice to us. Otherwise, we'll pack this up and there'll be no podcast for anyone. Perhaps I've told you the story before, though. We went to a local farm the recent night when we were filming the documentary in Colac, and we met the local farmer, and he was so handsome. And then he said, do you want to watch two cows or a cow and a bull have sex? And of course, Rhys and I were like, yes, yes, yes.

And then they said, do you want to help artificially inseminate a cow? And I said, of course, Rhys would love to. going to help artificially inseminate a cow? And I said, of course, Rhys would love to. So, Rhys was elbow deep with his hand in a cow's backside. And I'm laughing, laughing, laughing, laughing, right? Karma came my way, though, because about half an hour later, we went to watch the cow and the bull have sex naturally, which sounds so weird.

Can I just interrupt? I don't want to. No, please. How do they, like, I know how they have sex, but how does it happen just for your enjoyment? Like, you know, okay, now come on. Before. We've got some very important guests here.

They've got like a sheep fluffer to warm them up. Or does it just happen? Well, I guess they were on heat. As soon as you get a cow and a bull. Yeah. And also, we think the bull was called Kai, K-A-I, like a personal trainer from Fitzroy. Yeah, yeah.

And, no, I think they must have been on heat, and that's why they said it's going to happen. So if you want to come and watch, it wasn't like a... The cow and the bull had been at Roadshow last time you were in town. Big fans. They wanted to show their appreciation for a good gig well the cow or the bull um uh finished too early and pulled out and the um shot it's like no through the air and i'm here i am laughing at reese who's still got cow shit all over him. And I got, like a silky lasso, I got drenched in cow semen. Nice.

Like drenched head to toe. You seem to have to be emphasising it. If my face is saying I'm not understanding, it's saying, oh, I've got that image. Oh, got it. Oh, my God. I took it as like I'm not understanding why you're telling me this. I know.

Yeah. You've got the specifics. Got it all on camera, though. And then you walk down the street, head to toe in semen, and everyone was like, we were right. We were right. Oh, of course. Yeah.

You can't resist it, can you? Yeah, the guy in the car It's like it's too easy This is beyond the pale It was hideous And then we had one car And I didn't think I was so upset I drove off

I drove back to our motel To have a shower And left Rhys And the whole film crew there Because I was so upset Yeah yeah But he was with the hot farmer He was okay

Alright So this song We can look forward to in Colo Yeah Absolutely I've got nothing to offer You know how Hot farmer, he was okay. All right. Oh, my God. Well, there's something else we can look forward to in Colo. Yes. Yes. We're getting absolutely drenched. I've got nothing to offer. You know how you're meant to come in with some other story here and it somehow bounce off.

I've got nowhere to go. Isn't this exciting? Even after this long in the biz, you can still get stumped. Look, I know you're... But this is the thing. You've been in lockdown. John hasn't brought up any stories about being covered in semen for four months or anything like that. It's understandable you don't have anything on the back.

It's very exciting. Can I tell you the exciting thing? It's all I've got. Last weekend, in fact, John and I went to an online disco. If you don't mind. Take that, Mr. Semen-covered bull man. Obviously, it was free to get in because there was no PayPal going on. Well, yeah, it was a person's party.

But Disco Dave, that's his business. And John, we hired lights. Did you? Right. But Disco Dave, that's his business. Okay. And John, we hired lights. Did you? Yes, we did. Did you put something up on your socials? I did. No.

Well, I just put John in the disco. Right. Well, he's the star. Give the people what they want. So we had the disco lights going at home and we both got dressed up, which was, you know, I had to put on a bra. Oh, God. Sparkly top. And, yeah, it's quite amazing.

Like you're so desperate that you're there doing really dicky dancing. Yeah. In your lounge. It's just you. Yeah. And then there was about 40 households. Wow. Oh, just you. Yeah. And then there was about 40 households. Wow. Oh, wow.

You know. So Disco Dave and his off-sider Johnny or something. Anyway. But they went around. They had charge of the Zoom, you know. So you never knew when you were going to come up on screen. Right. There was all the gallery.

So you had to dance the whole time in case they came to you for three seconds yeah yeah and there was one point where john and because they said oh get props people get some props and of course john ran off to get trumpet you know trumpet trombone yep and so i'm there dancing and then just as it comes on me, John comes through with his trombone. And I'm like, fuck you. And then we realize we're on in the gallery and we're just smiling. Keeping it together. Dancing.

As soon as that's the case, as soon as any domestic violence appears, boom, you get sent to court. Straight in there. Yeah. And you know when you are loving something and then it's at the end where you slump and you think, it's really is quite sad. Yeah. It's so depressing.

And a few people stayed on to chat after the disco and it was quite moving because this woman did. She started crying, full on crying. There's no humour in this, by the way. We're not going to go to anyway. And she started crying and anyway, that's it. Because being in lockdown, okay. Yeah, I'm sure.

Yeah, you haven't done stand-up in a while, Denise. No, no punchline. Didn't you do Dancing with the Stars? Oh, yeah. What's that got to do with anything? Well, I'm just thinking you've got a bit of experience. Do you see me on Dancing with the Stars? What would you like me to say, yes or no?

I prefer you said no, quite frankly. It was not one of the highlights. But, in fact, yesterday we went, because I haven't really been out of the house, went for a little picnic by the side of the Yarra. It was beautiful. You are an absolute socialist. I know. Dancing online, eating fruit on the lawn. picnic by the side of the Yarra. It was beautiful. You are an absolute socialist. I know.

Dancing online, eating fruit on the lawn. But it was descending to sit on the grass and get up again. I did think, how did I ever do dancing with the stars? These days I can't even sit on the ground and then spend the rest of the time at the picnic thinking, I want to get up, but I'm scared I can't. And I'm going to make a real – there's only my best friends there. But anyway. Well, they're not my best friends.

I've given up, Denise. I'm 35. I've been taking camping chairs down to the park. Oh, yeah. And, boy, I tell you what, every 20-year-old that walks past looks at you like, look at this pathetic old camping chair. Oh, do they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of judgment.

I hate picnics. I'm over them. Oh, I hate picnics too. I hate picnics. I hate exercise. I hate... Oh, oh. Well, no.

This is where my anger's come from. I hate John. Oh, here's what we've got. Here's some breaks for you people from lockdown. Get an hour extra of exercise. Fuck that. I don't do exercise. I never have.

Oh, now we've opened up the children's playgrounds. Well, my children are in their 30s and they live overseas. No good to me. They can smoke bombs there under the slide. That's all right. Oh, you can go 10 more kilometres. I don't drive. So fuck that.

I want to be able to sit in a wine bar and have a drink and a chat. Yes, that's all I want. Sorry about that, everyone. That's all right. Oh, can I just say that you would be a camping... This is the closest you're getting to sitting with other people in a wine bar and you're still not happy. So I don't know. No pleasing her.

You're saying about the camping chairs. I saw on James Penlitis, who was a… Photographer. Comedy photographer. Yeah, comedy photographer. He, I saw on his account, he wheeled. He's got two really lovely couches on wheels. And I saw yesterday he wheeled both of them down to the park.

Not bad. And they were set up down the park. Oh, I love that. The problem is going to the bathroom, though, when you're having a picnic. Oh, yeah. Well, you've got a penis, haven't you? Last time I checked. All right, if it's anything more than a weeb.

But for guys, it's pretty easy, isn't it? Yeah, but the parks are so busy, you can't go behind a tree. Yes, no, that's true. Someone's taken that spot. That's true. I was at the park yesterday. A female friend of mine went to go to the bathroom, gave up on the line too long because it was packed down there.

It was a pretty nice day in Melbourne. So she went into the street and just went in between two cars. And as she's there, an ex-sex buddy walks past. And my ex-icone is like, hey. And she's nearly fallen over into a puddle of her own urine. What time of day? Like four in the afternoon. She comes back with this.

And then she's like, and then parking inspectors came along. I'm like, I want you as stressed you're going to get a ticket? How's that factor in? Just came back with this insane story of about eight different traumatic things that had happened to her in this 15-minute period. It was exhausting. It was like, this is more than anyone's done in two months.

You don't need the other seven when you've pissed in between two cars in broad daylight. What are the other seven? That's true. Yeah, that was the hard one. It's over than anyone's done in two months. You don't need the other seven when you've pissed in between two cars in broad daylight. Yes. What are the other seven? That's true. Yeah, that was the high water mark. It's over for another day. Well, yeah, we're getting near the end of the lockdown here in Melbourne. And I was thinking about this recently because one of the first things I did back last year

when we came out of the big lockdown, Denise, was I went and saw you do a comedy show with Judith Lucey. Yes, outdoors. Outdoors at the Malthouse. And cheer's a terrific thing, Joel, if you're in to do stand-up comedy outdoors as the sun is setting in your face. It's just, yeah.

And there's inclement weather and anyway. One of the jokes is like as you're talking, being able to hear from the wind kind of across the microphone. Anyway, we had a good time. Great gig. Yeah, great show. I took my parents as a Christmas present and went with them and my girlfriend. And you had a segment of the show where you had someone in the crowd

who had an issue that they needed help with? Yes. So through the week it would go out to people, I don't know, who'd signed up or whatever. Ticket holders, I believe it's called. It's been so long, hasn't it? Is that what they're called? And if they had a problem, was it the problem one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was it the love? Because often they were the Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was it the love? Because often they were the same. Yeah, yeah. It was the love one. Oh, right. If you're looking for love. Oh, that's right.

Yes. So we might be able to help. We never did. But anyway. So this lady gets up and she goes, I've just moved to Melbourne during the lockdown from Queensland because of a guy that I had been talking to online, had an online fling with, and I've moved down here and I've never met him. Oh, no.

Hadn't she met him? I think she moved down having not met him and she now met him once. Yes. So she's moved down for this bloke that she's never met. Yeah. Brave. And so you're chatting to her and you're kind of trying to get to the bottom of it. And then you're

sort of asking, like, how did you meet? And she says, well, he does stand-up comedy and I met him after a gig. Yeah. And so I'm already enjoying the show but now my ears are really pricked up. Yeah. Because you think it could be me.

Looking at my girlfriend going, is this how we met? Is that you up there or not? So then you go, you're talking to this lady and you're like, well, you know, my advice is don't date a comedian. They're the worst. Get away from him. It's not worth it.

But I'm there with my girlfriend and my mum. My mum leans over and just is like looking at me and my girlfriend, big smile on her face, just pointing at me going, that's you. Denise is making fun of you right now. I'm like, this is pretty good stuff. Like good bonding moment for my girlfriend and my mother, getting to gang up on me. So you're asking this lady, have you,, how much time have you spent with this guy?

Can I jump in? Because Judith and I, our alarm bells were ringing. Yes. And we thought... You're going to know this person. And we might have to protect this person. Yeah.

Your way of deflecting that was to just immediately assume that it was Tommy Little. That's right. And publicly telling the audience that this woman has been having sex with Tommy Little. Yes, yes, we did. He's always our go-to guy. It's a numbers game.

It's happened to most of us. A broken clock's right twice a day. That's why I moved to Melbourne. So, yeah, you're sort of trying to get to the bottom of, like, so how much time have you actually spent with this guy since you've moved to Melbourne? And it turns out to be not all that much. It's like we talked heaps online, we met after a gig,

then we became Facebook friends. And it was something like she was just saying, I just used to message him all the time and he never wrote back. And then one day he wrote back and then, yeah, I've moved to Melbourne. And she moved to Melbourne after that. Something like that. It was all. No, but my memory is she said he had, he'd come to, she'd gone to his place.

Yep. And that there was something wrong with his leg. It's like he was meant to come around to her house and he'd broken his leg. So she'd gone over there. So then immediately I leave the show and then I go into fucking overdrive.

I think I'm messaging you, Carl. I'm trying to think anyone who's been on the pod lately who I've seen limping or anyone who's posted on social media, them on crutches or something like that. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. And then I think I'd messaged you earlier in the day, Denise, to say I was coming.

And you messaged me that evening going, hey, I hope you enjoyed the show. By the way, who do you think it is with the broken foot? So, yeah, I'm just messaging everyone. I'm just messaging gossipy comedians. You didn't message me because I know, gossipy comedians. You didn't message me because, you know, I know all the comics so well. Anyone with a sprained ankle in, when was it, like, December last year.

Never got to the bottom of it. But didn't you set someone up? Oh, my God. Is this going to take another twist? I had a theory as to who it was. And then that, because I did a gig. Hang on. You set someone up. What, did you just turn an open mic as a foot doctor going,

free check-up to everyone, guys. Take your shoes off. Because then I was doing a gig at, I won't say the person's name, but I was doing a gig out at wherever and a female comic who was on the bill is offstage talking, going, have you heard about blah, blah, blah, name's a comedian. He sprained his foot. You never told me this.

I thought it was a set up. No. And you're mid-set. No, I'm off. You're waiting to go on. You're listening to what's happening offstage, onstage. No. And you're mid-set. No, I'm off. You're waiting to go on. I was like, you're listening to what's happening offstage, onstage. No, no, I was offstage. Oh, right.

So you think that's a Dassault plant that I've just known that you're on at this gig and gotten someone to talk about this to freak you out? No, it was a guy. It wasn't a female comic. It was a guy comic talking about... No, he'd sprained his foot. Oh. Okay.

He'd, yeah, I've sprained my foot. Okay. Yeah, I've sprained my foot. Do you remember who this person is? I don't, but I'll look up the bill. Jesus Christ. I'll look up the bill because my ears, of course, I'm standing looking in the opposite direction. Well, no wonder you didn't know who it was. Tommy's not going to believe this.

Yeah. But I've found out. He said, yeah, I've had a sore foot and I'm looking at him. But then I think I said, oh, has Tommy set you up? No, no, no. Yes, I'm sorry. No. Oh, my God.

No. I mean, I'd care about this a lot more if I knew who it fucking was. But I'll be able to, I'm sure. Hang on, but how did they react when you said something that makes no sense to them? They said, I've got a sore foot, and you said, did Tommy set you up? I thought you had. No. I thought I'd.

I don't even know who you're talking about. Neither does she. Because. I'm going to have an ass Retire Oh my god I'm so excited Because I thought No

I thought Oh Tommy's Told this comedian To get near me Wow Because my theory was Well this is My girlfriend's theory actually

Is this making any sense It's Yeah yes Parts Sort of Yeah It's like someone with dementia Sometimes It's quite vivid Is that my girlfriend's theory actually? Is this making any sense? Yes. Parts. Sort of, yeah. It's like someone with dementia.

Sometimes it's quite vivid. Don't say that. It's quite vivid in parts. That's why lockdown's been so hard because when you have early onset dementia, you know, you've got to have everything in order. And nothing's the same in lockdown. Anyway, I'm going to look up. Because this lady, she had said while she was talking to you in the show, she mentioned where she'd moved from and it was somewhere quite regional

in Queensland. Yes. And she'd said she'd met this person when they had come in for a gig. For a live show. For a live show. Yes, in regional Queensland. The clouds are turning and I'm thinking the odds are pretty high that where she saw this person was your two best mate, Roadshow.

Yes. high that where she saw this person was your your two best mate roadshow so yes so then my girlfriend goes in and she's like tries to go and find i think somehow we knew the time frame of when this had happened she goes through and she's trying to find like old roadshow lineups from this town from around this time and when you know we're sitting on the couch watching something and my girlfriend's just been silent for like 15 minutes and she just kind of all of a sudden looks up at me and she goes it was bob franklin it was bob franklin and i go i go do you know who bob franklin she's like not really just looks like the kind of name of a person i'm looking at his photo on the website and i'm thinking it all it all checks out i can verify it's not bob franklin bob even on social media i even on social media? I'm going to have to Google this gig. Oh, please.

Do you know what I'm taking from this story? How many gigs you do? You're a bit of a gig pig to this. Well, no, it's just that every single one of them is exciting. You really led me down the rabbit hole there. The whole rest of the story you're deferring to me like, I don't remember this bit. You tell and then you get to the end and you've got this bombshell detail

that I didn't even know about. All of a sudden you've got fucking Kaiser Soze up your fucking sleeve. I'm sitting there going, why did I bring this up? This is kind of bombing. And then we end up with, this is a revelation.

Gee. Wow, I can't wait to find out who I have to go and do some damage control with after almost a year. No. Yeah. I can't believe he, he must have thought...

And I might have even said to him, oh, see, there was this... We were doing a show and there was this woman there who'd said she'd come up Melbourne to meet a... You know that? You know that girl from Queensland

you clearly fucked over? Yeah. Oh, and he probably listens to this podcast. Well, if he's on a reality TV show, there's a bigger chance. If he's on The Real House Husbands of Melbourne. Oh, I'm all breathless. Yeah.

I love that story. We need to know. As soon as you get home, Denise, we need... Yeah, let me know too. Oh, yeah. You're in the circle. Oh, finally. Well, hopefully there's someone in the world of this show

and we can get him in and I can repair the damage. If Denise has been gigging with them, I mean, that rules out a lot of the weirdo underground open mic right wing spanners around town. Can't wait to get confirmation that it was actually Bob Franklin. My girlfriend will be wrapped. That would be wonderful. I'm sure if you went to the librarians,

just be like, see, imagine him. But you made the good point. I think I mentioned that to you over Messenger when we were talking about this at the time. And you were saying, I cannot see Bob with a sprained ankle on a bed with this woman just invited into his house, just talking out of the house. Some woman from Nambour fucking looking after him.

I can't see him tolerating it. See, that's the point where it mightn't have even happened. What do you mean? Well, it might have only happened in her head. Yeah. This is now, I'm no, I'm killing my own story. No, let's stick with it. It did really have a bit of an air of like, someone's

read that on a sheet of paper that, you know, the email going out to the ticket holders going like, hey, do you need help with love? And like getting that just in text, you could go like, oh, this will be funny. This is a great story. Yeah, I'm guaranteed a bit of chit-chat with them. Yeah, once they're actually telling it out loud,

it comes across completely differently. But also, given that this person's clearly a big fan of stand-up comedy, could be a bit, woo! So could be the sort of person where they've walked out of the gig and then gone, yeah, I'm getting married to Denise Scott now. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. That happens quite a bit.

So you and Judith give out love advice, do you? Well, Judith and I did, but we did not work. Not once. And we did, you know, we were, you know. Gave it a crack. We did. We did give it a crack. Except a guy who was at the show who was looking for love.

Because they were usually quite serious, you know, they were seriously looking for love. I do like the advice coming from two ladies who have never been married as well. So just the absolute two experts. We've been around. We've certainly found love. That's such a funny way of framing it. Denise has been with John for 40 years and been like,

never been married, just a bit unlucky in love, you know. Unlike my perfect relationship with me and my fat wife in Thailand. I didn't know you were married. No, really. At gardening, only the last few days ago, and a chap went past and he said, Denise, I was at your show and he said I was one of the guys looking for love and he said I found it.

And I said, was it Judith and I? No, it was 13 months later or something. Still subliminal. You gave him the confidence. You boosted him up. That's what he said. He said You gave him the confidence. You boosted him up. That's what he said. He said, you gave me the confidence. Well, I said that.

He said, yes. Did we? Yes. After he left. Yeah, yeah. There was also a point in the show where either you or Judith used the phrase muff diving and my dad went, what did she say? Muff diving.

Wouldn't it be me? What does that mean? Maybe you. Maybe you. Dad just wanting to put the show on hold to get me to explain the concept of muff diving to him. Well, that's like a very intellectual show. It was. That tells us one thing that Mrs. Dassler waxes.

That's what that tells us. Oh, my Lord. Heavens above. I can't imagine I would have said it, but then again. Sounds like classic Denise Scott to me. But, I mean, I didn't go to your show, so what would I have? It's a great phrase. It's due a comeback.

Yeah. You're all looking at me expectantly. That could be your show title next year. I said, it's going to sound like I do a lot of, I don't do a lot of gigs. of gigs. I don't do a lot of gigs. Did a Zoom corporate gig on Zoom for engineers.

Because I'm that sort of... I'd be the person you'd think of. Group of engineers. Absolutely. Who do we get? Anyway, but it was Dave O'Neill's gig. You didn't have to say that. We all presumed it. So Dave's there

and I'm kind of on screen with Dave. It's not like we're doing our own set or anything. And there's all the engineers and their partners, hence why I'm there. Oh, right. So they're girlfriends, wives. And at one point Dave's talking, and I look at the gallery, and Dave finished. I said, well, Dave, you lost Luke because he's now on his phone.

Right. And Luke comes in and goes, actually, I was just Googling to see who you two were. Turn your camera off. It's so easy. I've never heard of you. Oh, gosh, we laughed. It's so easy to either turn your camera off if you're doing that,

if you're going to be on the phone, or if you're on the laptop, you can just be looking something up while you're on Zoom. Absolutely. And they can't tell that you're not watching the thing. But also, you two, relatively famous comedians, who's the comedian for... Hipster Guy.

Oh, Hipster Guy. Who's the engineer-friendly comedian out there? Who did they have last year? Husey. Oh, okay. They had Husey last year. So, you know. Did you get any reports?

I haven't. I don't know where... I'm glad to be here. Do you do that thing when you do a corporate and do you always ask who did it last year and then go, and how did they go? I always want to know. But this is what I was going to say.

You were talking about muff diving. Oh, look, we've all come in. She said it. She said it. We've all moved in. She loves the cat phrase. Everyone physically loves it. Moved forward.

It's me. Put the snorkel on. This was the terrible thing. So it's gone well enough. You know, I don't know. Better than the Andy Vaxx guy they had last year. No, come on. Very, very, at the end, the Luke guy, who didn't know who we were,

seriously said, oh, yeah, I have watched Spicks and Spicks. And then he just wanted to understand how it all worked. And he said, so have you defected from the ABC? Oh. Zoom bought you from the ABC. Anyway, Dave. I think ABC's North Korea. Dave sort of explained fairly, you know, he said, well, no,

we just, where we get a gig, we do it. So if, you know, if there's a show on Channel 10, I want you. If there's a show on Channel 7. You're like sex workers. Whoever affects you. Thank you for taking the punchline. Oh, no. No.

A professional. No. He's wearing his comedy ring. Forget it. Oh, I've got something funny to add in here. I'll delete the last minute. Denise, let's get you saying the punchline clean. I can drop it in.

No, leave it. It's better. It's better than what I said. I, let's get you saying the punchline clean. I can drop it in. No, leave it. It's better. It's better. I thought I was just greasing the wheels. I thought I was just helping it along. Wow, you thought you were in a bad mood when you turned up. It's nothing compared to what you leave. You're going to get hyperious.

That's our motto here. Leave people worse than when you found them. Once again, as I always have to say on this show, I'm sorry for being so funny. But what I did say, which was because, you know, it's like you could just get a gig wherever. And I said, wherever you suck dick, you get a gig. And then these, I never do that for a start.

I've never done that to get a gig. Oh, well, apart from today. That's not what a mum and dad hear about this. That's just disgusting and I apologise. That's not dick diving, actually, Mr Dasol, if you're listening. No, I apologise. To your wife, to your girlfriend, to the fat woman in your house. But I felt it was so embarrassing.

It was really embarrassing. Like everyone just sort of looked like, what has she ended the gig with that? And it's not true. There's no truth in it. And I've just said it, I think because I was over the whole damn thing. I was sort of over it.

The moment when you're like on stage and you debase yourself, you say something that you don't think is like particularly funny or whatever, you're just doing it as a means to an end. And even that gets nothing. Like if it keeps not going well and you start to like, even, you know, the instinct is like, don't start shitting on your own material.

It's not a good idea. And then you do that and even that gets nothing. It's just like, my God, I've sold myself out. And for what? Now I have nothing. No values, no laughs. I've done that where i've had a joke up the sleeve you go i don't like this joke at all in fact i think it's shit but it always goes well and you put it out and it gets nothing you go i feel like turning around going i fucking hate that one too you're right you're fucking right i agree finally we have something in common i've not done a zoom corporate

i've i've don't know i've don't know how I've avoided it. By having an actual full-time radio job. Yeah. That wouldn't be it. I'm not very technologically savvy. You fucking didn't avoid this thing, though, did you, mate? But you did your own radio thing from home. Oh, yes, I did it from the pantry.

Yes. Well, you did that. Yes, I did it from my pantry because I was a close contact of someone. So does someone deliver... They deliver a little kit. Yes, and you have to set it up. I just set it up myself. So I was an hour late into my own radio show because I was still setting it up.

Oh, the set up for those things. It's a nightmare. Can't they just put you on the phone? No, it doesn't sound right. I thought they might just give me the day off. Yeah, yes. Because we're a team of three. There's still two left. But no,

and I said, up in your pantry. And then I kept saying butler's pantry. I'm in my butler's pantry. And they said, can you maybe just say you're in your pantry?

Butler's pantry's not so relatable. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'll just do it in my elevator, shall I? No, no, same mistake. Okay, fair enough.

That's very echoey in the elevator. I can't do it in there. There's no... Let's do it in my elevator, shall I? No, no, same mistake. Okay, fair enough. That's very echoey in the elevator. I can't do it in there. There's no... All right, let's do it in the ballroom. Okay. All right, well, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Joel Creasy, Denise Scott.

Thank you. I've set up the WhatsApp group for all of us so that we can find out immediately who this comedian is once we're over with. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. Can't wait. God.

Yeah. But you guys will be... I mean, Joel, you're on Nova every afternoon. I am, yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Can't wait. God. Yeah. But you guys will be, I mean, Joel, you're on Nova every afternoon. I am. Yes. Yes. Till the end of the, well, I mean, till the end of the year then next year. Yeah. Four till six or something?

Well, three till six, depending on what, but four till six. Four till six. Really depends on what time I get in. What's this? We start. Well, the first hour is meant to be a replay, but sometimes we get in at three and start at three. Oh, Tim, our anchor's always in at three., but sometimes we get in at three and start at three. Tim, our anchor, is always in at three,

and then I sometimes get in at four. Really depends what I've got on. People on their toes. It's fun. It's nice. It's hard to come up with excuses once again as to why I'm getting in at four at the moment. Being very creative.

We heard you on the Dum Dum Club. If you've got time for that, you can be in there. I know. Oh, God, I hope they don't listen Denise You've got Keep an eye on the Denise Scott socials Because I'm sure you'll be doing stuff

Once we're back and open Well good on you I'm an optimist Judith and I are trying to write a show In lockdown So that's on Zoom And Judith Lucy And the other day Not Gar, no word of a lie.

No, not Judy Garland. By Ouija board, are you lying? But the other day we're at Zoom and Judith just started. She won't mind me saying. Too bad if she does. Just started crying. You know, lockdown crying. Yeah, fair enough.

Lockdown crying. And I just sat there, like, looking into the middle distance because I didn't know what to say. And this went on for about ten minutes with Judith just weeping, me looking into the middle distance. And then we called it a day. Maybe there's no work. I look forward to the show then.

Yeah. It's fucking... My girlfriend's had a couple of moments of getting pretty upset about not being able to see family and it's like, how do you comfort someone? All you've got up the sleeve is like, yeah, it really do be like that at the moment. It really, really do.

It sucks. All right. No, I swear uplifting words from me. Thanks very much for listening, everyone, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Oh, Bernie, you've outdone yourself. Worth the wait.

Had it on the boil for months. That's right. Fun times. Thanks to the Catfish for having us once again. Us squirreled away broadcasting upstairs as they pump out the – what do they sell downstairs? Cheesesteaks. Cheesesteaks. I always forget the word cheesesteak.

It's such an odd name for something. Well, a lot of people who have been here to do the gig have often thought, not gone in on the food because they're picturing a literal, just like a cut of steak with a slice of cheese on top of it. When I used to run the gig up here, I had to say to people, no, no, it's a sandwich. And they'd be like, oh, okay, now I'm more interested. Wrap your mind around this. It's a burger that has beef and cheese in it.

Yeah, if you can imagine such a thing. But yeah, they're open. They're doing takeaways in lockdown. They've got a little kind of bottle shop thing at the front door at the moment Beef and cheese in it. Yeah, if you can imagine such a thing. But yeah, they're open. They're doing takeaways in lockdown. They've got a little kind of bottle shop thing at the front door at the moment if you're wanting to get a beer in lockdown. But definitely come here when they reopen. They've been very kind to have us in. And let us have our wicked run of the place.

As a bit of a callback to last week, you and I just had a glass of Coke each filled to the brim with ice. Fuck me, it went down a treat. As a callback to last week when we were talking about the parking situation at the front. Yes. We were saying when we had Hughes and Cohen last week, I was saying what a delight. The one good thing out of lockdown is no taking money for parking at the front. Just rolled up to the front of Catfish chucked the car

in wherever and the machine refused any money I saw this the machine I verified this after we did the episode the machine says on it

no parking no tickets in stage 4 yes which is crazy to me that they that they

what plugged something into the machine like they hacked into the machine to get that text up on the screen. Seems nuts to me. Good for them.

Last week when we walked out, I had a big old ticket sitting on the... Big old infringement. On the windscreen, which I was basically looking forward to, taking the picture of the computer screen that you're talking about on the parking machine, going, well, actually, this is the rule, you fucking stupid cunts. Yep. And then there, so I sent that away,

and their email response was something along the lines of, yeah, mate, but if you park your car in a no-loading zone, it sort of negates that rule, doesn't it? You fucking dumb fuck. Sure, sure. So essentially what you've done is gone, it said free parking, and you're referring to a sign that is four suburbs away. Yeah.

You've parked in the emergency zone of a hospital. I've parked halfway up the steps of Town Hall and gone, hey, there's no tickets in Melbourne at the moment. I can park wherever I want. Yeah, great. Hit a few dogs on the way over, so I swiped a granny. Hey, no rules, guys. Stage four.

What was your reply to that no reply for once i've known deposit into the account from them yeah especially since i was driving not my car and uh someone was very hot on my little hiney straight from the get-go very unhappy that i even had to get to this stage Besmirched the good name of her license plate by getting a ticket. Yeah, exactly. Of a don't say her three letters or a three numbers. Yep, yep, yep. D-S-N-H-1.

Yes. D, yeah. That would be great if you got her personalized. D-S-N-O-6-9. If you got her personalized plates that just the initials don't say her name, that would be a great Christmas present. Yeah. And yeah, her nickname on a podcast, she does not listen to.

Yeah. Does she know that that's her nickname on here? Vaguely. Okay. Vaguely. Right. I think. And does she know about Blanket?

Maybe. Yeah, vaguely. I think vaguely. I think they've come up once before. All tough things to explain yeah after michael jackson's kid the famous pedophile yep yeah it's pretty cool it's all good stuff um thanks to uh yeah thanks to joel and denise uh like we said we were we were about to do this episode right before this most recent lockdown hit.

These two guests do not have their own equipment. And as we heard from Denise, barely know how to use Zoom. Or their own voices. We had to wait until we could get them in the same room as us. Worth the wait. A lot of fun. Hopefully we find out an update of who the limping comedian that's been, that's lured. I've got a strong feeling that as much as everyone's going to have a big old guess and say, was it Dave Hughes?

Was it Will Anderson? Was it Bill Cosby? No. Look, I strongly believe it's going to be someone that. Not in the world of the show. Well, I wouldn't say that, but probably. But also, maybe not someone super well-known, but we'll see. Maybe, yeah.

It's definitely not going to be as salacious as people want it to be. Yeah. As with a lot of things when you do a guessing game online, you're right. Hamish Blake. Yeah. Oh, no. Did we say this? We didn't say this on the show, did we?

We immediately looked up. We Googled that gig. Yes. We can say this, can't we? Yeah. I mean, people can... Oh, yeah. We Googled the gig. We Googled the gig. Yes. We can say this, can't we? Yeah, I mean, people can, oh, yeah, we Googled the gig. And the two people that are listed, which Denise verified that it's not these two people. But it was very exciting for a moment because who had supported her were friends of the show, Mike Goldstein and Brett Blake.

Yes, we were very excited. And then she said, no, no, no, we're not them. Okay, damn. Damn. So close. So close. Yeah, that would have been great. He said, no, no, no, we're not them. Okay, damn. Damn. So close. So close. Yeah.

That would have been great. So it's actually, I love the idea of someone moving here for either of those two fuckheads. Yes. We were just also talking about how can we now find out this person that wasn't listed on the event listing for the gig. And Denise was saying, I'll just have to hit up the promoter. And it's like, what's the story? Just going, I'm catching up on some scrapbooking.

I like to document every gig I've ever done. And I think she was saying she's going to say, I've just been scouting for new talent. Yeah, yeah. I do like that. I'd like them to support me in the future when things open up. I was just thinking about the other day. I really enjoyed that guy that did five minutes nine months ago.

The jokes have stayed with me for this long and his name not so much but yeah can't wait to find out no real no real physical sort of um description has stuck with me except for the fact he had a bit of a limp yeah yeah i thought that was great though so hopefully he's still got it nine months later. But yeah, we did touch on the country town gig thing. Colac, I don't know, does that mean, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know if that firms it up or softens it as a choice, but we do have a lot of, look, here's a bit of a small list of people that are towns that have been sent to us.

So the Colac, Ngambi, Wangaratta, Yark, Kerrang, Campbell's Creek, which is the closest suggestion to Meribah, which actually looks like a crazy, like, funny old school pub. Mm-hmm. Wallen, Turalgon, of course, is the home of Pax Hill Pete. Yep. Witchy Proof, Rutherglen, Seymour, Donald, Bridgewater. Beechworth was a good suggestion.

Oh, yeah. We all know about the bakery and whatever But also the potential It does have a mental asylum that's used Pretty good For something else now Which we could potentially look into Maybe doing the show there

I think appropriately enough What's it used for now? I think there's some sort of tour Or something that they do there A lot of these people Like Bridgewater Did, like Bridgewater. Did I say Bridgewater? No.

I think so. Bridgewater looks... Did I say Bridgewater just then? Sorry. No, I haven't said that. Bridgewater. It looks like a really good bakery. Donald, Seymour, Rutherglen, Witchy Proof, Heathcote, another good bakery.

Broadford, someone said that's where the Snakes Alive factory is. Very, very good. Very good. I like this one. Someone's saying Kerrang. It's bleak and barren. It has a cool swimming pool slide. 20 minutes away in Barham, there's a Thai restaurant.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that the best advertisement for this town is that you can drive 20 minutes to another town and eat Thai. I know. There's a few. I did look up a few of these towns where they're like, they've got Thai restaurants. And, God, I looked at a couple of them this morning. Some of the worst Thai restaurants I've ever seen looked legitimately scary. I like this guy suggesting Cranbourne, not a town. Some of the worst Thai restaurants I've ever seen. Looked legitimately scary.

I like this guy suggesting Cranbourne, not a town. Just deep sea. I think it's like the last suburb that you go through before you're in the country. Yeah, I think it's still zone two in Melbourne. We could go there pretty fucking easily right now. Yeah, I did like his justification though. There's been heaps of murders. The local Darrow nicknamed Droopy because of his saggy cheeks and will constantly be wheeling around an old Coles trolley full of fans.

Someone suggested the town of Yarram. They have a pub there that they call Bernie's. It's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Strathmerton, Camperdown, which I'm interested in. The birthplace of, I think I talked about that, the birthplace of my father. Yep.

There's some family history there. Wedderburn, Yarram, Yaroa, Fish Creek, which you know well. Love Fish Creek. Yep. You can drop in on my uncle. Seymour. And I did do a bit of a deep dive on St. Arnaud this morning because it's another town that's probably, I think, A, it's half an hour or maybe 40 minutes away from Maryborough.

And B, it's the, I did mention this whole concept from Miraburra, and B, it's the... I did mention this whole concept to my mum the other day, and it was the first town she suggested for some reason. Okay, okay. Which I think she may be suggesting it, thinking, if you come from Melbourne to there, you could probably drop your baby off so I could fucking see it for the first time in six months.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, so, no, no, I did like the look of the pub also. Yeah. I like that counter meal, the potentially nice beer garden. It had a pretty decent beer garden, I'm thinking. But Colac, I mean, Colac's now gotten a good run on the show two weeks in a row. So at least content-wise, it's, you know, there's enough links there. Yeah, yeah.

Rivalry Town of Hughes Yeah Um Tried to gay bash Joel Creasy And Reese Nicholson Yeah Maybe get some of those guys On the show

Yep Yep If we have Whoever we have on next week If they have some kind of Colac story Right I think that's gonna seal the deal

Right We're going to Colac Right But yeah A lot of those suggestions Like you've said We want shit towns. Like someone said Fish Creek.

Fish Creek's just really nice. Like Fish Creek's just a really, really small town. It doesn't have, it's got a good pub, but it's not, I mean, it's not really shitty enough, I don't think. Right. Okay. I would love to, I would love to do that. It's a bit too nice.

It's a bit too nice. Yeah. I'm just looking up Colac now as the potential. Not a bad little driving time. One hour 50 from here. Colac? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just looking up Colac now as the potential. Not a bad little driving time. One hour 50 from here. Colac? Yeah. Beautiful.

That's pretty good. Yep. Because I did say there's the three-hour limit. I'll be honest, I don't particularly want to drive three hours. No. Three hours is probably a bit too much, but that was right on the verge. One hour 50 sounded pretty good. One hour 50 is like a kind of golden road trip time frame.

Yeah. Long enough to feel like a journey, like you're getting out of the city, you're having a bit of fun, but you're not crossing that two-hour threshold where you're like, fucking hell. Yeah. Also, you want it long enough on the way there

when you're excited, but you don't want it too long on the way back when you're hungover. The way back kills you. The times we've driven to Canberra, going up with the Carfall comedians, a lot of fun. Then having to do it

again the very next day hungover not nearly as fun no so yeah you're absolutely right on the way up you're stopping at bakeries

this is all what a fucking ball on the way back you're stopping places because you have to and going fuck this is added another half hour

into the fucking drive as few stops as possible in fact I think every time we've gone to Canberra, we've rolled in 15 minutes before the gig starts because we've really taken our time getting there. On the way back, no stops.

I want to fucking get into my own bed. I don't think we stopped for petrol a few of those times. Yeah. Funnily enough, by not stopping, we came very close to spending a lot longer in ACT than we needed to. So, yeah, look, we're going to to spending a lot longer in ACT than we needed to. Yeah. So, yeah, look, we're going to have to make this call pretty soon, guys.

So if you've got any extra, like the sound of any of those names, let us know if you've got any stories, any other added. If you live in one of these towns and you think you've got a particularly good pitch to get us there, we want to pick, like we said, a bit of a shitty town. And when we say shitty some people have sort of gone oh this town's not shit it's like i don't mean shit here's a puddle on the side of the freeway yeah do it there i just mean i don't want some sort of tourist town i don't want to um like a pub that's like a gastropub yeah i want a place that still sells a steak sandwich on the yeah on the on the front bar and stuff like that. That's what I mean.

You want to be paying with a 20 and getting change for your meal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mean shitty as in this is absolutely fucking... Imagine going here and having the worst time of all time. It's going to be fun. I still want something that we've gotten away from the more we've talked about this that came up the first week we talked about it.

Once we lock in the town, I want to find the town's biggest loser. I want to find the biggest fucking dork that's in that town that we can, yeah. I think,

well, look, I think that'll be our, I think if we're taking two hours to get there, we get up there at lunchtime. I think we walk the streets for about 20 minutes

in a country town like that. We'll find them pretty quickly. I think we're the losers. So, yeah, let us know. Get on the socials. Let us know. Any more intel, any more, even extra suggestions on what you've just heard then. Because of course, part of it is as well, we're relying on, if we do a gig in Camperdown,

we're not thinking we've got 100 dum-dum listeners in Camperdown. No. We want you guys to come up for the weekend, presumably if you're from Melbourne and outside, like in the country. We know we've got listeners in Ballarat and Bendigo and Warrnambool and all these sort of places. It might mean it's even closer to you. Well, that's it.

We've got to factor in the comm situation in any of these towns because, once again, Fish Creek does not meet that criteria. There's a comm out the back of the pub. I think you can fit maybe 15 people in the whole building. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there you go. That's what you sort of need. Some of these places sound quite romantic and it's like,

oh, this would be good and the accommodation's only about half an hour away. It's like, well, that's not – we can't do that. Yeah, we need a good shit motel or slash and or some kind of campground see you can bring tents and shit marabou was quite good you know population's 8 000 but like there was two motels within two or three motels within i think maybe like 500 meters so yeah we need a motel we need a couple of motels. Yeah. All right. That'll do for this week. Yes.

Get onto the Patreon, everyone. You can get two bonus episodes every week. Lots of fun with them. Lots of great guests on them. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub is where you can do that. And also, perhaps more importantly than the bonus content, you go into the draw to get your name read out on an episode of the show. It could be this one.

If you're listening right now, if your name hasn't been read out, we'll do anywhere between six and ten names this week. Okay. So, yeah, we've got the unplanned title alternator here once again. We're just kind of leaving it in at Catfish at the moment. Yeah. Which is great. We don't have to lug it around anymore. Yeah. We've lugged unplanned title alternator here once again. We're just kind of leaving it in at Catfish at the moment. Yeah. Which is great. We don't have to lug it around anymore. Yeah.

We've lugged it up the steps. Couldn't be bothered bringing it back down each and every week. It's replaced the ice machine. Yes. Yeah, I was going to say, I didn't know what they're doing with it during the week, whether they're using it for any Zoom gigs or using it for any home name deliveries or something. Yes, yes, yes. Maybe they're trying to create a new in-house beer for Catfish,

and they're going to name it using the unplanned title alternator. Yeah, well, look, it looks just as good as... Victoria bit of comedy. Save it. So let's crack it open. Let's go. First cap off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Patrick Trigg.

I always imagine the people at home when I do the lead up and I think maybe this is it. And then I roll out the Patrick and all the Patrick's out there have gone, here it is. He's pricked up. Yep. This is a good chance. All of a sudden they're calculating. There couldn't be any more than five to ten Patrick's that listen to to this show surely i've got to be right in for it and then i go trig and there's one little boy out there that goes yes and there's nine other ones that

are like fuck this yeah he's like in a small town he's running down the street yeah people like seeing him down the street going patrick did your name finally get read out on the podcast? And he's like, yes, it did, fellow inhabitants of Colac. And I'm going to bring those guys to meet you. On this episode with a dirty homosexual on it. Yay! Yeah, yeah. I've been mentioned twice on this episode. I called Joel Crazy an F word for a moving car,

and now I read my name out. Yep. This is a confusing name. Patrick Trigg. Yes. Yeah confusing name. Patrick Trigg. Yes. Yeah, fuck. That's bizarre. Why?

You could just be... Well, because you've got like... Sort of like... If you just went by Pat, you could be Pat Trigg. Pat Trigg. Oh, yes. So it's kind of like you've got like the back end of your first name is your surname. Pat Trigg.

Patrick Trigg. Yeah. It's... Patrick Trigg. So you'd be like, my name's Patrick Trigg and people. Patrick. Patrick Trigg. Yeah. It's... Patrick Trigg. So you'd be like, my name's Patrick Trigg and people would be like, stop stuttering over your first name

and tell me your surname as well. Yeah. Patrick Trigg. Yeah. Ricky Trigg. Big Triggy. Ricky Triggy. Getting Triggy with it.

Ricky Triggy. This is a fun name. Yeah, yeah. This is the... There's a bit going on. This is the name that something in a children's program would have. Yeah, yeah. It's a bit going on. This is the name that something in a children's program would have. Yeah, yeah.

It's probably the name of one of the fucking Octonauts or something. Octonauts? Yeah. My child started watching that the other day. I didn't know what it was until... You're the second person who said the word Octonauts to me in two days and ever. Because I said to her the other day, you know, she's not some big talker, but I said, what's this? I asked her what the TV show was and she said Octonauts to me in two days and ever. Because I said to her the other day, you know, she's not some big talker,

but I said, what's this? I asked her what the TV show was and she said octonauts. I was like, wow, fucking that's funny that that's one of 40 words you know. The kids love the octonauts. Octonauts. My girlfriend's nephew,

he's loving the octonauts. He's loving Paw Patrol. He's just gotten into the Coco Melon which I'm sure you can relate to nothing but Coco Melon in my house how dog shit it is

it's funny talking to because he also loves Bluey as do all children mine's not that into Bluey right little bit

these kids parents they're like any day that he wants to watch Bluey great we roll with it because Bluey's fun like Bluey as an adult

you can watch it and it's like not too obnoxious or annoying. It's just, you know, it's kind of cute. The lessons in it are kind of nice and whatever. But then there's shit like Coco Melon is just a nightmare. It's just all songs and bullshit constantly, right? Yeah. Stuff that drives you insane. It's...

You just as a parent, you just have to hope that your child gravitates toward the one that is... There's some fairly average songwriting going on within Cocoa Melon as well where they do that thing where it's like, if me and you tried to create a rhyming couplet right now, we wouldn't do much worse because there's a lot of stuff going like, hi, I've walked up the stairs and I've said hello and now I'm leaving. Whoa. Nice. I don't mind that it's like that there's a lot of that stuff and it's like okay that's fine for me to make up right now

yeah but you can't be sending that off to korea and getting it animated right with any sort of second draft happening has your kid gotten into any dora the explorer no because that was this kid's mom was saying uh my girlfriend's sister was saying, her kid watching a bit of Dora the Explorer, and she's like, I'm trying to get him off it, because the characters are all really mean to each other. Oh. And I was like, fuck, I want to check out Dora the Explorer. That's such a funny thing for a parent to notice.

Like, this is no good. I can't have my kid watching this. I was thinking, old school, I've got box sets of The Simpsons. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about cracking them open. Chuck on some commentaries with her. Yeah. Well, that's why I The Simpsons. Oh, yeah. I was thinking about cracking them open. Chuck on some commentaries with her. Yeah, well, that's why I bought them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I would say to her, hey, Blanket, check it out. Conan O'Brien's talking over the top of this one. It's the monorail one. What a shame that the commentaries are gone from just media in general. It would be so easy for them to chuck up a movie on Netflix with a commentary track on it. I thought you were going to say the commentaries are going from the Simpsons box sets. Like, you really wanted to know what the director thought of season 28 of The Simpsons? Well, I think they're still putting that out on DVD.

I assume still part of it is you've got to have those commentaries on there if you're bringing something out on DVD. Yeah. Especially for those shows. Those Simpsons commentaries are great. Yeah. Yeah, I should get back into them. Because I did buy a bunch of them and never listened to the whole whole set of them that's for sure yeah um but

i was pretty like religious in the day about like getting future armor on box set and the whole thing was seen these episodes a million times already i'm just doing all the commentaries right front to back just all of them loving it i'd quite like i wonder if there's a way of getting them on podcasts that's that's that'd be better i'm not sitting in front of tv listening to the fucking Just all of them. Loving it. I'd quite like... I wonder if there's a way of getting them on podcasts. That'd be better. I'm not sitting in front of TV listening to the fucking commentary. Well, it's... Yeah, you're right. I mean, now that would just be...

That's what that... If the commentary track didn't exist... That's what podcasts are. That's what it'd be... Yeah, invented as now. That's what it'd be. It's like, hey, a half-hour episode where they just break down this episode of The Simpsons. I might just get the audio, isolate the audio off them and release them as my own podcast.

That's not bad. Cal Channel Presents. Yeah. And you start at the start of each episode, you've recorded yourself going, okay, we've got Matt Groening and we've got Sam Simon and we've got Conan O'Brien. Guys, I don't want to get in the way.

Off you go. Yeah, I mean, technically, I'm not really even part of The Simpsons. So, look, I don't want to jump in. I won't be interrupting you. I won't be making jokes or anything. I'm just going to now go for it. I don't want to be the Ricky Gervais in the Chris Rock and the Louis C.K.

and the Seinfeld talking funny thing. I'll just step back. In a lot of ways, I had nothing to do with this show. Yep, yep, yep. Some shows have that, though. I think Spaced has a whole bunch of commentaries by Patton Oswalt and people that weren't on the show

just influential cultural figures in their own right getting on there and going boy Spaced what a great show hey

it's like I mean this truly is the most irrelevant form of anything to have on a DVD well I'm yeah I don't know

she's two and a half I think maybe just a probably a touch too young to break out the commentaries no no we'll break out The Simpsons maybe I'll just say The Simpsons a little bit I don't know. She's two and a half. I think maybe just a – probably a touch too young to – Break out the commentaries. No, no. We'll break out The Simpsons.

Maybe I'll just say The Simpsons a little bit. I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. Is it or not? I don't know. There'd be enough going on. Yeah, maybe.

You don't know until you try. She might love it. I mean, it's very, like, bright and colourful. Yeah, I know. So I can see her, like, a little – It's a good-looking show to look at. Yeah. My friend got his four- and seven-year-old onto it,

started, like, introducing them to The Simpsons. Yeah. And he got his four and seven year old onto it, started like introducing them to The Simpsons. Yeah. And he said it's so funny because like all their favorite ones are like the ones that are about like really specific political stuff from like 1992 where it's like, it's like, I don't even fucking remember what this is about. Like when they go to Washington and stuff and the guy does that like song that's like a political parody.

Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to hear? Hey, two year old, you know, watch this clever parody of the movie Bob Roberts with Tim Robbins in it? Remember that one? Now, Blanket, you're a huge Watergate fan. Well, you're in for a treat. Having said that, I was thinking that way the other day and I went, look, Patrick Trigg, we'll get back to you in one minute.

That I tried to think of what I was into back then and then went, well, you know, maybe this will hold up. So I went back into the early-ish Warner Brothers cartoons. Oh, yes. Tried to find some good Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd stuff. Some of it doesn't hold up so well, but. In terms of what? You showing her all the old, like, World War II era cartoons

about the Japanese? No, no, no. There's no Bugs Bunny doing the about the Japanese. No, no, no. There's no Bugs Bunny doing the eyes back then. No, no, no. Just quality-wise and some pretty average stuff. But there's some good stuff as well when it gets a bit later on. Well, you're more of a Rick and Morty guy and a Family Guy sort of fan. No, no, no.

Don't say that. I don't even have it in me to go along with that. Rick and Morty I don't care so much because I've never really seen it, but fuck Family Guy. Fuck that show. Yeah, no, she's blank as ban from watching Family Guy, actually. Oh, wow. Yeah.

I'll find some more Bugs Bunny and Simpsons. Get her some early Simpsons, you know, the first two seasons. That's good for little kids. Sit her down in front of, yeah, three to... Dr. Marvin Monroe electrocuting the family. Yeah, the babysitter trying to murder Bart and Lisa. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What were they doing out of the gate?

They had a really different idea of what that show was versus what it turned into. Patty Trigg. Patty Trigg. Triggy. Triggy. It almost sounds like hat trick. Patrick Trigg. Trigongy. Triggy. It almost sounds like hat trick. Patrick.

Patrick Trigg. Trigg. Trigonometry. There he is. Yep. Well, thanks, Patrick. Thanks for reminding us about Simpsons commentary tracks. Yep.

You knew that one was coming with a name like that. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jen. Is it going to be her? Jen out there. Which one of. Is it going to be her? Jen out there. Which one of you is it going to be, hey? Jen Tuckwell. Ooh.

Yeah. Tuckwell. Yeah. What do you think when you hear that name? T-A-R. No. T-U-C-K-W-E-L-L. Ah.

What do you think? A drag queen. I think, I thought immediately of Ace Ventura. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. One of the, speaking of things, not aging very well. Hasn't held up.

That's one of the greats. One of the all-time greats. Yeah. What is it? It's like, so the, Sean Young is the actress, and she plays someone, an ex NFL footballer. Yep. Who's had a, to use the terminology of the time, sex change. I haven't heard that term for quite a while.

I know. It's, I mean, I guess it's, you're not allowed to use it anymore, but when you think about it, it's like, it's, I guess it's inoffensive by just how outdated it is or how it was used at the time. But it's like, it's such an inoffensive term in and of itself. It's like, yeah, I guess it is the fact that it refers to it's because it's like you going, no, I was actually born this way. I was born as a woman in the wrong body. So I'm actually not changing anything i'm not changing my sex it's all this has always been my sex yeah is that why it's not okay now i assume

i honestly that was just a term that you've brought up where i just didn't even know that had been stopped and just haven't heard that for a very long time someone could say to me so if someone said right now hey i'm just like just like you, mate. I just forgot that term. That's why we stopped using it. We just all collectively forgot it. Yeah, it's like the movie Yesterday where I've woken up and I'm the only one that remembers that the term sex change ever existed. Do you guys remember there were jokes about it in sitcoms?

And all of a sudden you're going on tour making millions of dollars out of saying the word sex change on stage. Yes! This guy got his dick cut off. Someone's had a bit of a sex change. And you go to some little beach town and there's this Liverpudlian with little granny glasses on going, Oh, yeah, I used to see sex change. Yes.

Yeah. But it is very linked in that era of both the usage of it and then the usage of it as a punchline of like, you know, seeing a manly – like it's very sitcom or like 90s movie, like seeing a manly looking woman and being like, oh, it looks like a dude who's had a sex change. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well.

Anyway, that's you, Jen Tuckwell. That's you, Jen Tuckwell. Yeah, the good Tuck. I think I've talked about this on the show, but so that end of Ace Ventura, the good tuck. I think I've talked about this on the show, but so that end of Ace Ventura, the Pet Detective, the first one that we've talked about, where the, yeah, it's the NFL player who has had a quote-unquote sex change, and he spins her around and sees, like,

through her underpants, kind of dick bulging out. Right. And it's because that film was sort of right up until the very end it kind of almost is a kid's movie sort of very silly it was very appealing if you're a kid yes very silly premise absolutely silly colorful looking cover looks like a children's character yeah yeah so i think it's pretty common me and people of my generation all loving that movie growing up but having absolutely no idea what was happening in the last 10 minutes i I was the same, and I was old enough to know better, and I still didn't understand what was going on.

I thought that she had shit herself was part of it. I thought it was. Look, I'll put my hand up and say I've never really understood hemorrhoids. Yes. I don't have them. So I guess I've never been someone into looking up what they are and uh i don't it's a dangerous google yeah i can look unless it's life or death and you really need to know for your own sake yeah i can really go to my grave without really needing to know what it is

i'll be honest hopefully you're never in the position of having to look it up yes so i thought that's what it was i think and then I was like, is this a male? Going from the vibe of the movie, I'm like, oh, right, because that's a thing only men can have. So that's the giveaway. Because the end of the whole movie is check out this person with hemorrhoids. Ta-da. So what my girlfriend thought it was when she was a kid,

she thought that this lady had had the dick chopped off, had had the sex change, dick chopped off, but then when Ace spins her around and it's there, she thought that this character had had it sewed to their ass in case they ever wanted it back. Like a spare button. Yeah, in case they changed their mind and wanted the dick reattached.

Like the spare button on the jumper. On the jumper, yeah. Which is so advanced for a child's brain. It's like you're operating on such a high level there. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I didn't even get the whole concept of it being a tuck or anything like that. Yeah.

She's light years ahead. I think I was literally barely out of Miraburra. So that's how little I knew. Right. Yeah. So how old were you? I must have been like 17 to nearly 18, maybe. When you saw it?

Yeah. Yeah. 17 to nearly 18, maybe. I've got the feeling. When you saw it? Okay. Yeah. When I first saw my first disembodied penis stapled to the back of a woman. Yeah.

Because I pretty, well, either that, yeah. No, I think it would have been. I saw it in the Ballarat cinema. So I'm assuming I'd moved to Ballarat by then. I moved to Ballarat when I was 17. How did it go in the Ballarat cinema? That moment. Well, just the film as a whole. Yeah, you Ballarat when I was 17. How did it go in the Ballarat cinema? That moment? Well, just the film as a whole.

Yeah, you know what? I don't really remember. I think it went alright. Yeah, I don't really... It's been a long time since I've gone to see like a good comedy in the cinema

fresh out of the gates. Like we've talked about this before but going and seeing Borat opening weekend back in the day at the big, big cinema that's in the Rivoli. Yep.

Packed Friday night. Yep. And just the walls shaking. Yep. Unbelievable stuff. Yep. I saw it. I saw it in Richmond.

Mm-hmm. Amazing. Like being at a killer stand-up comedy gig. Yeah. Thing went off. Yeah. Yeah, look. I don't know when the cinema's open here but you know

we've talked about this keen to go and see Jackass keen to go and see yeah fuck something Jackass 4 Jackass 4 at the cinema when they've just reopened

yeah can't wait it'll be fun Jen Tuckwell Jen Tuckwell that's you all of that stuff that we've said today today is you

even the stuff about Patrick Trigg that's you yep you're the NFL player from you could be Patrick Trigg, that's you. Yep. You're the NFL player from... You could be Patrick Trigg. Yeah. Yeah.

Previously. Before your, as Tommy classically says, sex change. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Jen. Thanks, Jen. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Callum... What's happening here?

Callum Neville. Okay. Thanks, Callum Neville. Okay. Thanks, Callum. I'm just looking up to see how many Callums are us currently subscribed for. Okay. So there you go. Callum Neville was sitting there thinking, not knowing really, but he had a one in four chance right then and it came up as his number.

Wow. And now the other Callum. I wonder if we've read any of the other Callums. Looking at their statistics, I would assume we may have read now three out of four. Really? Yeah. Just looking at the algorithms of the unplanned title alternator, this could be the third ever Callum we've read out.

There's one holdout. There's one Callum yet to get a Guernsey. That's it. And he's fuming. Yeah. This is the third shoe has dropped from above, and we're just waiting for that fourth shoe to hit the floor before we can go to sleep.

And are you saying the fourth Callum has subscribed too recently? Oh, look, I don't really understand how the UTA works, of course, Tommy. Yeah, well, I do, so that's why I'm asking. No dancing. Yeah, is the fourth Callum a more recent subscriber? Do you see that in the UTA? I'll look up. I don't know if we have that technology, but I'll check.

Oh, we do. Yes, he is. Very, very recent. Okay, but I'll check. Oh, we do. Yes, he is. Very, very recent. Yeah. Okay. So that's why. That's probably why. Someone, we've got to make a record of this because it's going to be a great day when

we finally read out 100% of Callum's... When have we ever had that kind of data about a name before where we can say definitively we've read out 100% of the people, unless it's like a very, very, very specific name. That kind of doesn't count, which Callum sort of is. Callum's not like a very common name. Well, it's enough. I would say it's enough. Yeah, it's enough.

It's not a name that I'm hearing for the first time on this segment, put it that way, which is sometimes the case with some of these names. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, look, it's not a perfect science, I'll have to say, because I've just searched, you know, like the first one this week was Patrick Trigg. Yep. And I've just searched for how many Patricks

I currently subscribe, and it comes up as zero. Okay. It's like, okay, well, this is not... No, I want to go by the idea that they're four, and I hope they all live in Melbourne, and maybe we can get them all together. We can have a Callum social event. Right, okay.

Well, when the last Callum gets read out, you mean? Yes. To sort of celebrate. Well, we do it as a live event. We have the three Callums up there with their green jacket on already because they're in the members club of Callums with their names read with their names read out yep and then that week we do the live episode we read out his name live event everyone as we read out the name tickets 25 we're going to finally be reading out the fourth column all the other columns are holding the fourth green jacket yep so that he

comes in gets fitted as we're as we've read. Yep. He's getting doused in champagne. Yep. They're just rejoicing. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, it sounds good. If someone invited you to a party that was, let's say, let's say 50 people. Let's say it's at a venue that you like, at a bar that you like.

Right. They invite you to a party and the theme of the party is everyone at this party has the name Carl with a K. Would you be interested in going to the party where the theme was I'm just trying to get together a whole bunch of people with the same name and see if they get along? It would be – I would not go of my own volition. There would have to be some form of someone else egging me on to do it. As someone with a podcast, I would. There would have to be some form of someone else egging me on to do it.

As someone with a podcast, I would. If I get that out of the blue, I'm intrigued. I'm having to go. I would not. Without having a podcast, I would not be going. Having a podcast, I would go to find out what the fuck this is. I think even without a podcast, I'd still go. You would not be going to a fucking party where everyone's called Tommy.

Out of the blue, someone messages you and goes, I'm having a Tommy party. I'm trying to get as many Tommies as I can to go. You know what I would do? Okay, I'd say yes, and I'd rock up, and I'd have a name tag on that said Carl. That's pretty funny. With a C.

Yeah, so you're already into it. You're already thinking up. Yeah. So without the podcast, you wouldn't even be interested to just lay eyes on it and just see what the... You would have no part of just general curiosity. I'll drive past. Okay.

Slow down. There we go. Have a bit of a look at the sort of freaks that... It's at a Thai restaurant. It's a big banquet and it's paid for. It's on the house. All right. Now you're turning it into just a thing that I would go to without the first part of it.

And just turning to the other Carl's and being like, I'm not into any of this. I'm just here. I want this to be very clear. I'm here for the muscle mark. I don't give a fuck what your name is. I don't care that we all have the same name. I'm just here because I love the food. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I just wanted to patsy you, okay? My name's Simon, actually. Yeah. Yeah, I've just snuck in. It would be funny to just get that going. You have a venue and you're the architect

and just every week you're having a different name. So your thing is you've got the venue every Friday night, different party for a different name. So you're just getting on and finding every Susan that you can in Melbourne and going like, hey, big Susan party at this bar, at the Catfish Bar this Friday night. Next week, we're having a big Rodney party down at the Catfish. Yeah, but you know it's not happening like that.

You know it's some cunt called Gary that's like, Gary's such a cool name. What if I got all the Garys? It's not some impartial observer. that's like, Gary's such a cool name. What if I got all the Garys? Yeah. Like, it's not some impartial observer. It's someone thinking that name is really cool and then doing that for themselves, basically doing it for themselves. No, this is a social experiment. I'm doing this. I'm filming.

I've got a camera set up in the room. All right. I don't know what I'm doing with my findings. If you did that, what name would you pick then? Because you've got to have a... First one out of the gate? Yeah. Good, good, very good question.

Yeah, because you're picking a fascinating name. What name would I want to be in a room full of? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, okay, interesting, interesting. Because Rodney's one of them. Well, yeah, Rodney would be pretty good. Invite my uncle. Got an Uncle Rodney.

I bet you do. Yeah, what's – I mean, where do you start? Do you start with just a very weird specific name thinking that the the allure is going to be like if it's a more unique name someone getting hit up about that party they're probably going to be more interested in going because it's like well i don't really when do you ever meet people with this name yeah i'm interested to see like if i go alginin we're having an alginan party well surely every alginan is going to be like there's others out there i would be i have to say i'd be more

tempted to know given that carl the k is a little bit rarer than other names yep you i could not dream that you would bother going to a party of tommy's where it's like who fucking cares tommy's a reasonably popular name. Hmm. Yeah. But I mean, if I'm organizing it. Do you ever meet Tommy Little and go, wow, how's it been for you? The same as me? What's your question? Running around with this name?

Your question is, do I ever meet Tommy Little? And think this. No, it's happened once. Yeah. I've met him once and then every other time after that. But you don't ever sort of trade notes what it's like to be a Tommy, do you? No, but I remember when he started, it was like, this is interesting. Oh, really?

This guy's got the same first name. This is interesting. All right. Well, Tommy's a little different too because it's like I assume this about him, that he's also Thomas on his birth certificate. At a certain point, like me, he's made the choice. He's like, this is what I'm going with. So already, straight out of the gate okay yeah yeah me rolling i mean if i'm getting invited

to that party first thing i'm doing i'm getting on the phone a little i'm like did you get invited to this thing are you gonna go yeah do you want to roll in together yeah yeah that one time we had dr carl on the show i should have asked him. Yes. Should have been my first question. Yeah. What's it like? How's it been? Yeah. Well, hopefully we get him back someday. That'd be fun. Tried a few times.

It's never quite worked out. No. Asked him a question that stumped him. Can you be on our show again? All right. Well, thanks. Thanks, Callum. Thanks.

Thanks, Callum. Yep. Hey, good luck out there. Yep. Can't wait for the big show. One holdout. Yep. Hey, good luck out there. Yeah. Can't wait for the big show. One holdout. Yep. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Chris Lewis. Okay.

A Chris party, you'd have to imagine. Pretty boring. Pretty boring. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, not too interested. I want to see, you know what I would like to see is I'd like to see one of these parties as some sort of social experiment to, you know, you've got certain prejudices against

people's names. Like Chris, you know, we've both sort of gone a bit boring. That was a hell of a start of a sentence. Just saying to me, you know how you've got certain prejudices. I was like, oh, oh, hang on. But then I said Chris and you're like, fuck yeah. Yep, yep. Oh, hang on.

But then I said Chris and you're like, fuck it. Yep, yep. There's certain names that make you, you know, like I would say, rightly or wrongly, I would say a high percentage of people called Wayne are probably dead shits. Yes, but as we talk about here on this segment a lot, oftentimes your response to a name is um based on experience that you had with it at high school yeah you had like a bully or someone you had a crush on or whatever yeah that's just in your head yes forever from those couple of years yeah so

but then there are certain names that i think yeah wayne i think most people would have that same response to it yeah Yeah, I think so. So, doing a party of Wayne's versus doing a party of Chris's, I would be interested like... See, this is what I'm saying. This is what makes it interesting. One week Chris, very next week Wayne. Yeah. And we monitor all of it, the interactions, how much booze got drunk, how much food got

eaten, try and work out sort of things like this. How many people got kicked out? How many people got kicked out? How many people got kicked out? Did any fights start? Did any romances happen? Any suck jobs? Any suck jobs? Yeah, exactly.

We need to find out who has the gayest name. Who's got the biggest dick? Rodney, Wayne or Chris? No, it would be interesting. Coming around. You're coming around. Yeah, but I'm trying to base this in reality. I just can't see how someone would actually do it.

Well, you know, it's like a much lower stakes version of Squid Game in that they just get hit up randomly. Hey, do you want to compete in this game and potentially win a lot of money? Now, I'm not offering a lot of money. I'm just making contact and going, do you want to come to a party with a lot of people that have the same name right well the census just went around the other day like a couple of weeks ago it's like well that that could have been part i just lie and say it's part of that yeah it's compulsory that you attend what should have been on there

there should have been like you know it's you can do it online now there should be certain algorithms built in where say say, for example, if you type in your first name, it's Wayne. It's like then all of a sudden the next drop-down question is, so are you a bit of a dead shit or not? Yes, yes. Yes. Okay, great.

Thank you. Previously, 80% of Waynes were dead shits. We're just wanting to see whether it's gone up or down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. And that's the sort of data I'd be interested in reading. Yes, absolutely. Whereas Chris, I would say, Chris on average,

you know, the sort of person with short-ish brown hair that doesn't do much with it, just sort of combs it down. But, you know, Chris is such a common name that there probably almost are as many dead shits called Chris as there are dead shits called Wayne. There's a higher percentage in the Wayne category. I'm after the percentages. But just because there's so many people called Chris. Of course.

But I'm after the percentages. I'm looking at the ratios. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But Chris is, yeah, Chris is pretty. I mean, Chris is such an average name that both men and women have it.

That's how average it is. Yeah. They just give it out to whoever. They don't give a fuck. Boy, you're loving it if you're a Chris and you want to get a sex change. Oh, he's done it again. He said it. He said it.

That's yours. That's your word. That's my term. That's my term. That's my new favorite phrase. That's how you identify your catchphrase as. Yep. Sex change. Chris Lewis, name of a famous AFL footballer.

I can't get past that. I don't want to really talk about AFL football in this podcast because I feel like it excludes a lot of people out there. Also, I don't really give that much of a fuck about it, but I do have a very strong memory of a lot of players from when I was a kid. So if someone comes up with the name like Chris Lewis, I've got to mention it. Yeah, absolutely. Do you think this ever would have been a stand-up bit back in the day?

My wife came to me and she said, I'm getting a sex change. And I thought, oh, what, We're doing anal tonight, are we? Hey? Yeah, I like it. I can see that. I can see that fucking killing in the early 90s. Yeah. Yeah.

I think you would. You know what? Look, excuse me. Punch it up. I know it's your joke. I know it's your joke. I might. I would just maybe.

You've got to give a little bit more context. I would maybe. It's a bit too PC, isn't it? No, no, no, I would say maybe a little bit like my wife's going to be instead of sex change,

request a sex change. And I'm like, sex change, a change of sex, anal, you know, huge telegraph. I like it.

I like it. If you're going to have a joke that dodgy, why not have heaps of telegraphraphing. I like it. I know. I like it. If you're going to have a joke that dodgy, why not have heaps of telegraphing in it? Look, maybe too much telegraphing in that version. Cut it back one level. But from sex change straight to anal, I mean, it's just... I know, you need a bridge because it doesn't quite make sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You need a little bridging line there somewhere. It's almost like getting the fucking anal yourself. It's just a bit too quick and hard. You need a little bridging line there somewhere. Yeah. It's almost like getting the fucking anal yourself. Yeah. It's just a bit too quick and hard without, needs a bit more lube.

I would like to just start, in my stand-up, just start talking about my wife constantly. Not married. Yeah. Just become a wife guy up there on stage.

Yeah. People like who know me well up the back of the gig going like, he's kind of lying up there. Yeah. But I mean, it's pretty low stakes.

I guess it doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah. It's not like he's saying he, you know, went into the fucking Twin Towers as they were coming down. I would like... Who really cares to have lied about this?

Yeah, I would like you to have had this sort of this light bulb moment when you first started. So you, Tommy, Tommy does so. I'm going to be a wise guy.

Age 16, gets up there, starts talking about he's doing my wife gear. That'd be good. Still in his school uniform up on stage. His dad's at the back of the room waiting to drive him home after the gig. Spot on.

I don't think I ever wore, no, I never wore my school uniform on stage. But yeah, dad was there a lot, driving me to a gig at Crown Casino. Oh, right. Yep. Yep. Fuck. but they're yeah dad was there a lot driving me to a gig at Crown Casino oh right yep yep fuck Crown Casino before you were out of school

mmm yeah going on a Wednesday night oh yeah I know the gig yeah I never did it but yep yeah it was

that may have been the first time I met Oliver Clark at that gig oh that is funny because it's like you know this is very inside comedy, but, you know, there's certain people that run certain rooms and there's certain people that you see at those rooms.

And Olly Clark would be a guy, the guy that ran that gig also ran a gig in Turack. Yep. And I would have thought Olly Clark is one of his guys. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Absolutely. Yep. So I didn't know you were one of that guy's guys. I was sort of one of his guys, yeah.

I got the handshake with the cash in it. He was a classic for that. Yeah, that's where I got it from. If I'd ever been paid for that. Well, thanks. Who do we have there? Chris, of course. Chris Lewis.

Yeah, thanks, Chris Lewis. Let's just do one more. One more. Is that what you're trying to get at? Yeah, sure. It's a beautiful day outside. It is. Daylight savings at the moment.

If we play our cards right from here, we could still get some nice outdoors time in. Yeah. I swore to myself I wasn't going to eat shit today and I went and got a burger and chips, so I fucked that. Yep. I tried to get some cookies. I was sold out. Ah, yeah. Bit of a letdown.

What is it from here? I'm really, I think nothing. I think I'm going to start at the fast, I think. Okay. I think this is it. I got in the scales this morning and I feel like in lockdown, I lost a good chunk of weight, and I feel like I've absolutely put it back on as of this second. So time to take that off again.

You know what's impressing me? After last night, my friend gave me half a weed brownie that fucking put me on my ass, and I ate like I have never eaten in my life i was putting away huge dinner i i think three quarters of a big tub of ben and jerry's and it didn't touch the sides and i still after that was like i could eat a bag of chips i had to really will myself because it was like i had eaten this monstrous amount of food and did not feel anything, did not feel satisfied in any way and just went, how do you regularly have brownies or smoke weed and not become the fattest cunt on earth?

Shouts out to anyone who can do it recreationally and not just be chonking up big time. I've been feeling the same lately with having beers outside at night, late at night. And all of a sudden I've got eight beers in me and going. Pizza time. Why don't I get a pizza and a burger? Yep, yep, yep. And then get home and, not before, got home a little bit verging on sideways and just whatever I could find in the fridge.

Big old garlic bread that went went in the oven. Oof. At midnight. Mm-hmm. And burnt that. Burnt it? Burnt it. Right. And opened up the oven.

Smoke absolutely billowing out. This is great. At midnight and going, fuck, what do I do here? This is about to, smoke alarm's about to go off. Yep. I've got to turn the fan on, which is very loud. Yep. All right, smoke, you know, the fan's on. Mm-hmm. It's got to go out yep off I've got to turn the fan on which is very loud yep alright smoke you know the fan's on

mm-hmm it's got to wake everyone up somehow I fucking got away with it that's great I've got no idea how so what happened you put the garlic bread in and then you just

completely forgot about it no you know what I I reckon I put it on too high of a shelf absolute trap for young players mm-hmm

should have put it on a lower shelf it said eight to ten minutes I thought I was being smart took it out at eight absolute of a shelf. Absolute trap for young players. Should have put it on a lower shelf. It said eight to ten minutes. I thought I was being smart. Took it out at eight. Absolute. Chaos. Yes.

Wow. Dante's Inferno in there. So did you get anything to fill the void of not being able to eat the garlic bread? Oh, look, I scraped off an inch of black and then just ate the rest of it. Beautiful. Yeah, that's what I did. And yeah, then just left that mess for someone else and went to bed. Great.

It's tomorrow's problem. Yeah, well. It doesn't count. If that was my wife's real name, then yes, it was tomorrow's problem. Blanket and tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. All right, all right. Stop trying to delay this, Tommy. I really need to get this fifth one.

Thought I was helping. Yeah, yeah. Thought I might have been helping. Well, you could help a bit more if you wanted but up to you um uh let's see this fifth name yep i mean at the start you did say six to ten names to be honest it's throwing me off a little bit oh right you thought you had more time yeah well i thought i had more names right yeah me me only reading out one name because I thought I had to read out two, so I prepped myself to read out two. Right.

Now I'm only reading out one. And I don't think you realize how much that throws someone off. Yeah, sorry. That is bad of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hard for me to know how to do that. Yeah. Just immediately thinking, this is the last name.

Yes. I wasn't ready to think that for another name. Yeah. It is on me for not realizing the very tenuous mental capacity of the person I was talking to. So, look, I guess I'll get over that. I guess I'll just have to read this fifth name out. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me for stumping you like this.

We could call it a day after that. Yeah. All right. Let's do it. Yep. You ready? Yep. Great.

Let's go. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Callum Comedy. Wow. The fourth one. The fourth one. The fourth one. Finally. We're ready.

Yes. We're ready. Quick. Callum, never get in here. We didn't even get to do it as a live episode. Callum, get in here. Oh, damn. Well, thanks, Callum Comedy,

and thanks all the other Callums around the world who subscribe to the show on Patreon. All the Callums around the world, the other two. Yeah. Yeah, right. Subscribe to the show, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. Get yourself two bonus episodes every week and help keep the lights on around here.

We really appreciate it. We will see you next week. Thanks, guys. See you, mate.