The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 577 - Tommy Little & Dave Thornton

Episode Date: October 20, 2021

It's the eve of lockdown restrictions ending in Melbourne so we're doing one final "broadcast" session with TOMMY LITTLE and DAVE THORNTON! Dassalo's dying to know about Little's cacio e pepe recipe, and Little's dying to get back to the real world and finally get his pilots license. Also, we start to really focus in on a potential town for our country Victoria live show, PLUS billy cart races, golf courses, and fond memories of the last time Tommy got Milan'd! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Tommy Little and Dave Thornton. Head to littledumbdumbclub.com. You can find links to all of the stuff we have going on. You can get on our Patreon. You can support the show and get two bonus episodes every week, if that's the kind of thing you're after. We will be back to talk to you more at the end of this episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new episode recorded at the beautiful Catfish in Gertrude Street, Fitzroy with Tommy Little and Dave Thornton. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Dave Thorne and Tommy Little. Do you ever say that people aren't special guests? Like when you say very special guests, it makes it feel welcome and it's lovely.

But do you ever say, and welcome to the program, we've got guests. Good point. Let's start this again. I can't say I'd like anyone to go back through and check the records. If Blakey or Kappa are on, I'm pretty sure you don't get that prefix in there. I'd say special, but I'd say it in a different way. It's a real different tone. Or do you just say, here's a person who's worn out their welcome.

It is. Sorry, everyone. Here's Nick Kappa. Sorry. That's so good.'s worn out their welcome. It is. Yes. Sorry, everyone. He is Nick Capper. Yeah. Sorry. That's so good. G'day, folks. And we couldn't get a guest today.

Sorry. Yeah. Have you ever said sorry after sex? No. Neither. Move on. I've thought it. It's definitely been.

It's definitely been. It's been more like, you know, we're aware. Yeah. I actually call my orgasm the very special guest. That's the thing. That's a game I'm on. Oh, he's arrived early. Yeah, yeah.

God, we haven't even started recording yet. And Capa and Blakey were there. It's really weird. Her orgasm is the superstar drop-in probably only once a year around dollar time. A pretty rare appearance. Everybody else has seen it it's like Chris Rock

at the store what do you mean what do you mean it's not going long though it's just popping I'm pretty sure I'm doing promo

great to have you guys back little great to see you again last time I saw you was you were on the show just before this last lockdown

that is just about to end. Yes. And as we were at your house, we were recording at your house, as we were leaving, as I was leaving your house, you were telling me you were going to cook

cacio e pepe that night. And the whole lockdown I've been thinking, I've got to find out how this cacio e pepe went down. Bro, I fucked it up five times. Fantastic. It's so hard to make

and I've just finally got it right. Right. Yes. It's a very intricate dish. It's just hard to make And I've just finally got it right Right Yes It's a very intricate dish It's just It's just cheese and pepper pasta But I can see how you screwed that up

Mate every time I would put the cheese in And it would all just like Glug up and stuff Or then You have to take the pasta Out of our dente Because it cooks the last bit

Anyway Use a bar blender I can't wait to get out of lockdown There's something else to be happening that's better than this. So you can come to my house for Cacio e Pepe? You told me you were doing that, and then about a week later I was watching Anthony Bourdain go around Italy, interview the masters of Cacio e Pepe, and I thought, there's no way Little's done it correctly.

No. There's no way Little got away with this. No. So easy and so hard. Yeah. Yeah. Is that why he nicked himself? Yeah.

Is that what happened? That's exactly it. He couldn't master it either. I wonder who was going to go there. And I was like, there you go, Carl. Well, clearly not me because I've got jobs. Multiple? What's that?

Oh, exactly. You can't cancel nothing. Well, you've got jobs like all at once. Maybe you can. Maybe it gets you a job. Two negatives. Suddenly Carl's hosting the day show. That was weird.

Dig up, stupid. Come on, you can work this out. Obviously, there's usually a much bigger gap between episodes when Tommy Little's on because you've got jobs. You can't be fucked doing this. All of a sudden, we said, we've actually got a pub we can record this in in the middle of lockdown. Fuck, I'm there.

Can we do double F you knew things were getting desperate because I responded to a message yes exactly I know if Chandler was a girl on a dating app

he'd be arrested by now I know it's very one sided there's a lot of are you awake is this have you still got this number

no you've cleaned that up. It goes like this. Hey, cun. Hey, cun. Cunny, cunny, cunny, cunny. But also, you know the about term when it's like, are you coming or not, fuckhead?

And then you go, look, mate, actually, I just can't. Like, I've got to look after the kids, do whatever. And then just absolute silence. No, fair enough mate then you know we'll have to get you on next time just an about turn oh is that what I do

yeah you just you just shut it out is that how Carl speaks to you are you coming or not like fuckhead is that what he says because in my messages

it's always like excuse me sir the king of comedy what are you what are you up to now because he says why don't you come do the podcast with a cheese and pepper fuckhead

it's Cacio a peppy fuckhead can you please come and do it with this guy do the podcast with a cheese and pepper fuckhead? It's Cacio e Pepe fuckhead. Can you please come and do it with this cunt who keeps fucking up the cheese and pepper pasta from Bourdain? He hasn't got many days left. Exactly. He keeps fucking it up. The sauce is gluggy and so is the content. Fucking get in.

Here we go. Cheese and pepper does sound like the last packet of chips that are left on the shelf. And you're like, okay, well, I guess we'll put these two together. Yeah, it's a genius move by the Italians going, this is just basically a share house meal. This is just a share house cupboard meal. What we're going to do, we're going to convince people that it's like fucking highfalutin. It is a bit like that over there where it's like, you know, they go, this is how pasta's done, you fucking idiots.

It's just pasta and a little bit of sauce and anything else that that is wrong. Sacrilege. Oh, cool. So you having more choices bad. Sorry, fuckheads. Yes. Like we've actually got it pretty good, oh, cool, so having more choice is bad. Sorry, fuckheads. We've actually got it pretty good, don't we? Pizza's like that as well, where they're like, we use two ingredients. It's bland.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should use more. You should. Come over here, man. Check out this place, fucking Pizza Hut. Have you ever checked this out? Guys, wait till you try the lot. It is unbelievable. It's the opposite to a margarita. Have you checked this out? Guys, wait till you try the lot.

It is unbelievable. It's the opposite to a margarita. Ill lotto or whatever the fuck you'd call it over here. And all that fucking... Lay heaps out. All that runny, runny fucking ice cream gelato or whatever the fuck. Check out these cornettos we've got over here. Yeah, fuck. They've got sauce in the cone as well.

That's great. Buffalo Bill's going to tear your mind apart. It's going to be great. Because they always do that. Did you say Buffalo Bill? Have you not had the chicken wing ice cream? He actually gets the skin of a real cowboy. Yeah, I was going to say.

Eat me! Eat me! Well, yeah, not long after we did that episode, like I said, We went into lockdown One of the last nights We had out So yeah

We're about to In Melbourne Come out of this lockdown Pubs are reopening It's great I'm sure we're all Including right here We're here

We're getting We're hosted by the Catfish In Fitzroy right now Yep Very nice of them So get on down to here As soon as it opens And it's pretty good

It's pretty good rules Like I was surprised The capacity For big, bars and clubs, 2.1 people. So we're going to have some wild nights out. It is going to be huge. The most I've lost my fucking mind in the last decade has been these lockdown reopening nights.

It's like you've got to- Bro, they're the hardest. They're tough. Things are open, but every other fucker's booked out everything up for the next two years. Yeah. And so you're like, oh, well, I guess I'm having another night at home

with my dear old friend Cacio and my other friend Pepe. Come on, gluggy boys. I'm getting fucked up on leftover pepper. But yeah, one of the last nights out I had At a venue right before the lockdown hit Went into the venue Not knowing that lockdown was around the corner

So it's ended up being the last night out I got absolutely sideways I was out for a friend's birthday I was at the retreat in Brunswick I got a message from a friend of the show, Milan Saying, hey, what are you up to? And I just replied as like Also, by the way, at that point

He'd already worn out about four of us So I was with him Three or four of us had gone home and gone Fuck you, Milan And then Milan's like, I need fresh meat You'd started early Yeah And you'd ended early

And Milan was into the Milan had Milandus I thought he was just touching base Just wanting to know what I was up to I was like, I'm just at the retreat Yeah Yeah And you'd ended early Yes And Milan was into the Milan had Milan-ed us Yeah I thought he was just touching base Just wanting to know what I was up to I was like I'm just at the retreat I think it was literally me going

Him trying to keep me around me Going I'm out of my mind Why don't you fucking hassle A little Dasolo And he's like Oh great idea And I'm like Thank fuck for that

Is he still doing that A whole three in the pink Two in the stink One in the Milan Is that how I can't keep count I don't count any When I get to that stage Some three in the pink, two in the stink, one in the Milan. Is that how it makes you go? I can't keep count. I don't count when I get to that stage.

Some are in the pink, some are in the stink. Some are in the Milan. Who knows what the ratio is? His drinking sessions are like the opening scene in Saving Private Ryan. The drawbridge comes down. People are like, shots, bang, bang, bang, bang. Just bodies going down in the shallows, just wading away. I'm surprised I haven't seen him yet at any point in the pandemic.

Like the news footage of like on the Friday, you know, seeing like 1201, you know, any pubs that stayed, like the Welcome Stranger, getting people in there at the stroke of midnight. Milan camped out like he's going to fucking the Phantom Menace back in 1999. Ready to go. Just accidentally buying an iPhone.

But yeah, so he messages me just saying, what are you up to? And I just thought it was just a polite touching base. I'm like, oh, I'm at this venue. Anyway, 10 minutes later, next thing I know, I see him circling around the venue like a little shark. He just comes into this group that I'm in. He's trying to buy everyone shots, but there's like... That's unlike him.

Yeah, we were outdoors, and the outdoors bar wouldn't do shots, so you had to go into the venue. He was taking people one by one in to do shots. So I just get... And all these people that I was with didn't want to do shots. That's so organised and chaotic. It was so stressful, because I'm also... A few people I was with

didn't want to have the shots. Milan doesn't take no for an answer with that kind of stuff. I'm acting as like a bullet sponge, so I'm just like taking the shots on other people's bodies. He's like abusing my friends that he's never met.

I'm like, it's fine, Milan. I'll have it. I'll have it. I'll have it. All of a sudden, I'm six shots deep. I wake up the next morning. I'm so fucked

and I've left and I've sent a message to my group chat. This was the last thing that I sent on a night out before this lockdown that we're in now happened. This better be about pasta. My angels, I literally fell over twice in the line to get

a drink. I have to go home. Can one of you please get my bag from under the table? I'm sorry. I love drinking. So there we go. That's a very coherent message for a man who couldn't get his bag. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Who could be fuck typing all that out when you could just go in and grab a bag? I'm a bit of a mess, et cetera, et cetera. That's Oscar Wilde once said. If I'm extending this Saving Private Ryan, it feels like you were in the trenches in the Great War. That's my loved ones. Yeah, yeah. Did you have a quill on your iPhone?

No, I remember it was... I can't wait to hold you again. It was one of these ones where, you know, you wake up in the morning with like a headache on one side. You're like, one of your eyes is really strained and you realise it's because you've been trying to type in an Uber, but your vision's so fucked that you're having to like squ to see the phone right it was one of those ones well i've never had that no i haven't i want to be here for you as a friend because out of these motherfuckers you're the only one supporting me at all with the cacio peppers thank you and so keeping that in

mind bro i get that bunga shit all the time fuck yeah totally i'm more of a bag getter so i just i just don't have that i just don't have that. I just don't have that. Bag getter. I forgot we were talking about bag getter.

I'm on the booger sugar over here. The disco dust. You never lose your vision on the coke. You never lose

your vision. But I think that message took about 45 minutes to write just squinting in the back of a cab and like if I had have known at the time that this was going to be the last time I'd be at a pub for three months,

I would have just fallen over six more. I would have been waiting for them to drag me out of the venue. I would have been. How come you didn't know? Because didn't they give us some warning about lockdown? This was like a week before. And it was pretty last minute. Oh, yeah, it was.

It was midweek, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was the Friday and then we went in on the Thursday. Yeah, right, right. But anyway, I can't wait. Can't wait to find out what kind of fucked nightmare scenario I get myself into this Friday evening. I can't wait till you shit your pants come Friday.

It's going to be good. Yeah, well, I've got a booking for lunchtime, not for nighttime. So it's just going to be seeing how long the lunchtime session goes for. So, yeah. Well, is it allotted again? Have you got two hours? Well, I don't think so because that was what we used to have in previous coming out of lockdown, wasn't it? But I think I haven't heard anything like that.

Isn't it amazing that there are people listening to this from all around the country who can't relate to any of it? All around the world. And sorry, I don't mean that specifically the lockdown content. I mean of your show generally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is rare for us. This is probably up on the sort of relatability of the usual. No, because I was just talking to someone from Queensland

and they were saying how it blew their mind apart. The people in Melbourne are like, ah, it's only two more weeks, three more weeks, then we're out of this mess. And they're like, you're just fine with three more weeks of lockdown. You're like, yeah, compared to four months. Yeah. It's like, this is great because we have a date.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got something. Yeah. Just not an endless abyss of bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the difference. Yeah. Well, like you said, it'd be good for other people

that don't live in Melbourne, that have been listening to us bang on about this fucking shit forever and don't have to sort of put their minds back into fucking whatever the fuck we're experiencing. I think maybe people like it. It's like having sea monkeys.

Just like, look at them in there. It's like a prison podcast. Yeah. Stupid little fucks. Yeah. They have no idea what's going on out in the real world. Floating around in there.

Right. Fucking trapped in their little tank. What's that one doing? Is he trying to make pasta? He's only got fucking three ingredients. Has he? He's fucked up five times. He's only got fucking three ingredients. He's fucked up five times. He's got pebbles.

That's not pepper. That's not pepper. You guys are doing it and I had no faith one minute into the podcast. I'm like, we've gone the wrong direction with this podcast.

I saw it on your face. And now it's going to be the fucking highlight of the fucking podcast. I could sense it in my bones. It's the callback that keeps on giving. So hang on,

you were worried that you were taking part in something that was going in the wrong direction. Yes. Now you know how every guest has ever felt on this podcast. No. Don't you also reckon, I love it how Chandler's culinary delights are obviously Thai food. That's obviously your jam.

But you're very Mary Burrow when it's almost like any sidestep from that. It's like, oh, should we try Indian? All right, mate. That's a bit weird. I'm out of my lane. And he doesn't like it. When you said cheese and pepper, It's like, oh, should we try Indian? All right, mate. That's a bit weird. I'm out of my lane. And he doesn't like it. When you said cheese and pepper, he was like, all right, fancy man. Indian?

You mean those off-spinning ties? Spicy tie. Spicy tie. Spicy tie. Hang on. You don't get to... Wait. In Indian, you don't just get to say the colour and then the curry.

Because that's what I like. Green curry. Thanks. It's curry. It's bloody curry. Hottie curry. Excuse me. I'll have a brown hottie curry.

Can I have a bossy curry? Mate, hand the phone over to your mum. No, I want a hottie curry. A hottie curry. We're going to talk to an adult soon. I'll have a hottie curry and my wife a medium hotty curry. Thank you. Not as hotty curry.

I am looking forward to getting out. What have you guys got planned? Anything in particular? We've got a little plan, but you go. No, no, no. I want to hear your little plan. Well, I was calculating the other day. fuck, before we started doing all these lockdowns and everything, on average, I went back through the backlog of our episodes.

It's like one every three or four episodes of our show is a live show. Yeah. And then we've hit all of this stuff 18 months ago. And all of a sudden, we're just inside for 18 months. It's like, fuck. Going through the backlog and doing those numbers sounds really boring. You know what you could have done with that time? Yes.

Yeah. Better cut you a pepper. Yeah, yeah. Mate. To be honest, that counting could have done with some pepper. You stick with me, grasshopper. I'll teach you comedy. And on the way to comedy, I'll teach you cut you a pepper.

Every time I say something that's not funny, I'm just going to imagine you with one of those big pepper grinders like putting that over the top of a punchline. Oh, no. And fucking it up. I'll get there. And Bourdain in the background going, see? But also with two-minute noodles and those Kraft singles on top of it going,

why is it working? I've been reading, as a side note, I've been reading Bourdain's book Kitchen Confidential Oh bro I just finished it Yeah it's the bit where he's like Okay everyone wants to know How you cook like the restaurants Well here's the secret ingredients

That the restaurants have That no one at home knows about yet But the book was written 20 years ago So it's like Garlic Parsley Butter It's like

I thought it was going to be like Slow down At the moment I've got cheese Pepper Hey what else could you use Actually that's moment, I've got cheese, pepper. Hey, what else could you use? Actually, that's your mistake. You've had cheese and pepper and we've gone,

what about the pasta? The what? The what? I've been trying to stretch the cheese into long bits so it looks like spaghetti. And they use chopping boards. I don't know. Is that how you pronounce it? I don't know.

I think it's chopings. You put the pepper on something. I was just sucking off the grinder. Straight from the sauce. I've been snorting. I'm wondering why this food's making me sneeze. I think Anthony Bourdain was, if I've got to be honest. He was dropping some Chopin-ers, I can tell you that much.

Do you like the book? I do like it, yeah. The having sex with the bride-to-be in the back of the... in the kitchen while they were celebrating their wedding. Is this in a recipe? Hey. This is Cacio e Pepe. What don't you understand?

You keep fucking the bride, not the bride-to-be. That's why you're fucking up the recipe. Too salty. If you call your dick the pepper grinder, you can get away with some stuff.

Cooking time, 20 minutes. Preparation time, maybe a few hours. What don't you understand? You're the pepper, I'm the cheese. I've stuffed it up again. Might as well try. This is round five. Plans out of lockdown.

I'm madly trying to get my fucking pilot's license. Oh, yeah. Every time I see this online, I'm assuming something's going to happen at some stage. This has got to be a joke. Tommy Little, the Tommy Little I know, cannot be responsible for a plane, let alone passengers, surely. Yeah, I mean, that's probably fair,

but yeah, it's happening. But it is happening. But can we talk about this? See you soon, Anthony. Looking forward to those secrets about the ultimate catch-up. What on earth happened? Pepper in the engine? He catch-o'd when he should have peppered.

I'm wearing just a helmet of cheese. What happened to Tommy? He passed her away. Oh, Jesus. I'm having a good good time and I'm the dead one. I'm still having fun. Still killing, even in the open. Can we talk about this phone call? Because so many times we'll be on the phone and he's like,

I'm either going or coming back from flying and getting your flying hours. And then you called me and were like, hey, man, when I get my full license, do you want to come fly with me? And I was like, oh. And there's a long silence and he goes,

man, you are like the 10th person who doesn't want to fly with me. No one said yes. The only person coming with me so far is my dad. He's had a good run. He's had a good run.

My dad, he's also legally blind. Oh, right. He's had a good run. He's had a good run. My dad's, he's also legally blind. Oh, right. He won't know. Yeah. But yes, he's the only, well, Tommy,

would you come flying with me? Like, first trip after you get the license? When I've got my license and I say to you, I'm confident,

do I come? Yeah, for sure. Good man. Yeah. You've replaced Thornow as my 42nd best friend. Welcome. What led to you wanting to get the pilot's license?

Was it seeing one of the 9-11 documentaries this year about when the planes first hit, they thought it was like a charter flight that had gone wrong, and you thought, I could have been, that could be me. That could be me on the news. That could be me on history. Jeez, I've always wanted to crack America. This could be me. And the lines at JFK are so long.

What if you just do it yourself? I mean, hey, if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. Say what you want, but they're still talking about it. It's got cut through. It really had cut through that event. No, I met a dude. His name's Stephen Gay. I met a...

He took me for a ride In a jet And he was just like Hang on You met a guy What at a pub And then he took you For a ride in a jet

Nah He There was a charity There was a The push up challenge Was a charity competition Right And the person who raised

The most money Got to go for a flight In an ex-fighter jet And to advertise that They said Do you want to go And you can say Hey this is the experience You get You know so everyone Sign up to do you want to go and you can say hey this is the

experience you get yeah you know so everyone sign up to this raise as much money as you can great i did that and he was like i really want to teach you to fly and i was just like yep great right and so we've just been learning fuck so he's just taken a liking to you and going you got something kid mate he's got the magic he's awesome. He never taught anyone before. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Started a flying school. This is all sounding great. Yeah, yeah.

I'm with Thornton, actually. I'm changing my mind. I'm not going up. Don't you reckon, Tommy, he sounds like the Lionel Hutz of airplane tutors? You're like, oh, my God, his suitcase is just full of shredded newspaper. Also, when did he break it to you that he's never taught anyone? Was it mid-fly? Was he up there going, man, you're picking this up well

considering I don't even know what I'm doing. It was a fair way in. I've never taught anyone, but to be fair, no one ever taught me. So what's it like handling the joystick? Joystick. Yeah. I never remember that. I think it was after I flew solo for the first time.

We were having a beer to celebrate and he goes, mate, flying solo for the first time. You'll never forget it. I'm like, you'll never forget it i'm like i'll never forget it was great and he goes and you're my first student that's ever flown solo i was like what okay okay but yeah yeah so madly i'm madly studying at the moment because we haven't been able to fly and i've just realized i thought i was doing okay with the study my exam is only in like a few weeks and it's two 400-page books that you've got to get through with all the practice questions and stuff.

And I was like up to page 150 in the first book and I started doing like an hour a day and I was getting through about 10 pages a day and it took me that long to... I was going, hang on, if I keep going like this, it's another two years. And so now I'm madly trying to establish. Right, right, right.

What's something that has surprised you about it? What's something that you could say we would be genuinely properly surprised about learning how to fly a plane? Like, do you fly in Melbourne? Do you have to do hook turns in the sky? Oh, there we go. A bit of local. A bit of local.

A bit of local. Yeah, for all those sky trams you've got to get around. You get it. They're actually restaurant sky trams. And what are they serving? There we go. There we go. Well, mate, you don't even have to pay for the flight if it's going over the middle of the city.

That's a free tram pass, guys. You don't have to tap on. Sky above Punt Road, pretty bloody. And when people say it's better to fly in Sydney, you're like, bullshit! Melbourne's that much better! That's you. Yeah, mate.

Am I that fuckhead? You've got it. I regret yelling out the window of the plane this whole time. Something that you wouldn't know about flying i reckon that it's that it it's uh the while it's basically self it's sorry there's a there's a big there's a lot of regulations around it but it's really up to you like when you hear stories of people trafficking drugs and stuff and you're like how do they ever get away with that you realize because at every airport except for your major

ones in your big city right you get out of the plane you walk onto the tarmac you're in your plane and you're off i think we just found out why tommy little wonderland fly so i've just got a call from my manager cocaine cowboys four so tell me have you done the math? Yeah, it's 18 hours to Columbia. It's like you can buy basil at the supermarket. There's a little plant out in the backyard. Just have it whenever you want it. You give a man cocaine, he's happy for one night.

You teach a man to cocaine. So Tommy's first passenger is Milan Okay this will work out well This will be fun Teach a man to cocaine It'll talk your ear off Is there anything like Ridiculously over the top Like easy that you think

Fuck that should be harder That should have been harder I would have anticipated There being more to that Oh sorry The amount of hours That it takes before You can fly

solo yeah is ridiculous in terms of you can do seven hours practice and then you're allowed to oh so it's wow it's really low seven it's so low that you've just got to pass a pre-solo test right so i think when i did mine i think i'd done 11 or 12 maybe hours in a plane and like the first one is literally going up for an hour and then explaining to you what's going on and then 10 hours later you can you're like there you go zoom zoom and you're like i promised i'll bring this back yeah yeah yeah so can you go to from now on if you want to can you go to fly to perth and do a gig when i get my license yes yes but but so already even without my license i did my area solo not that long ago which is the first one so all your solo

flights you do when you first start you just take off from the strip and you go up and you practice circuits which is just landing literally not slowing down taking off again going around in a circuit right because the landings and the takeoffs are the hardest bits. And then the area solo was the first one where they're like, go for an hour. And I'm like, where? And they're like, you tell us on a map where you're going to go and you go there. You're the captain.

And they give you exercise to do. And I was like flying back and I couldn't find the runway. I was like, fuck, I'm really on my own. Get the big stick. I'm stuck. So what do you do? If you're flying for a while, what's the limit to how much you can fuck around up there? In terms of do you bring food up there?

Can you bring drink up there? Can you play music? What can you do? So you're not meant to do any of those things. Right. But that's what I mean. Yeah. No one's stopping you while you're up there.

Mate. Yeah, right. Okay. So you've got gotta bring your own they don't have I was knitting and eating some pho you were cooking

what up there don't be absurd Carla I think it was I think it was a hottie curry it wasn't meant to but I put too much

pepper in I do love the idea that you get your licence and it's just first stop Rome, the home of Cacio Pepe. Oh, yeah. Finally. But have you done the... Because I've only been on one ever flight where they did the

we're landing, no, no, we're not landing, we're not landing, we're coming back up. Yeah. And does that happen regularly early days? I mean, you're still in early days, I guess. Because you're encouraged to go around if you're going to stuff up. But the first time I flew solo, there's gliders, so there's unpowered dudes that glide around.

So basically, I get towed up and then they glide down. Right. Out in this training area where we land, right? And they're obviously little... They're doing that shit while you're trying to be a grown-up. Yeah, fully. Yeah, kite boy over here. Yeah, yeah.

Having a go. Well, buddy... trying to be a grown-up. Yeah, fully, fully. Yeah, kite boy over here. Yeah, yeah. Having a go. Well, buddy, trying to cruise in. And I was coming in for my first landing and it was the first time I'd been by myself and I'd seen there was this glider and I didn't really calculate how much quicker than him I was

and I thought he was going to land on the grass to the side of the runway. But I thought if he doesn't, I'm just landing on top of him here, which is not the right thing to do. That's the rule of the air jungle. Yeah, yeah. Well, I'll hurt him more than he hurts me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, turns out he didn't land next to the runway. He landed on it. I killed him. So, you know, you learn. That was Anthony Bourdain. To cover up, the airline industry said that he committed suicide. They didn't want you to know.

So, yeah, you've got to finish the books and then when do you go for your test? So my practical stuff is looking okay. Yep. My book stuff is looking a little on the shoddy side. What a shock. So if you do that, how if you do that, can you, how different is it for you to then jump in the front

of a fucking Jetstar plane and go to Newcastle? Worlds apart. Is it? Worlds apart. Fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn.

So if you're in a Jetstar flight and you're halfway there and someone comes out and goes, sorry, the pilot has wanked himself to death. Is there anyone in the back that can fly this thing?

There is, but he's also wanked himself to death because he's watching the Bourdain documentary. I guess you understand the principles of your approach speeds and what gear to put down and stuff. So I reckon if they would talk you through air traffic control, you know how sometimes there was that story not that long ago about the dude whose instructor passed out? And it was like his first time up in the air and the air traffic control just talked him through it right so if you have someone like

that like being able to get the idea i know what you're meant to do to land but i don't know where all that shit is right so for novices like us what can you fly? Little planes Little planes As in the propelled ones? Single prop stuff Yeah right Or as in planes that you own Yeah Your new airline Welcome to

Little's planes Little little planes And ironically They're jumbo jets So you've got to You've got to catch up On the book work I love the idea

Of you going to them And going like Have you got anything Like a spot learns to fly Or something That I can just really like take down a bit quicker? Have you got pilots for dumb cunts? Have you got Clifford the big red dog in a plane? Maybe I can get that one over the line.

This could be the first Dumb Dumb in the Sky, guys. You guys get up there, record a pod with Altafone. Well, we've nearly done that before. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we did a gig in, you mean the stand up? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We've talked about that a couple of times. But Well, we did a gig in the stand-up. Yeah, yeah.

We've talked about that a couple of times. But yeah, we did stand-up. Well, not you. Maybe not you. Everyone else probably. That makes sense to talk about it without me. Yeah. You bombed apparently is what we said.

No, no. Please. We talked about it with Hellier and someone else. I would know about it if I bombed. That's what gave him the hunger to do it. He's like, fuck, I killed the stand-up. I might as well become the pilot. Yeah, I'm good up here.

I need more of this. I was already the headline in the plane gig. There's nowhere else to go in that ranking. Put it this way, I didn't think about becoming a pilot after I did my gig up there. No. I thought maybe I shouldn't be a passenger anymore. I thought you should get into skydiving without a chute. Air Bourdain.

But, yeah, that's what I'm excited about getting out. And following around and doing gigs. Dono, what are you excited about? I'm not getting off this plane thing. So if you get... How far can you fly then? As in the size of the planes that you've got, what's the furthest you could get to and then go,

I'm out of fuel, I've got to land? In a measure? So the plane I'm in, its cruising speed is about 130 knots, which is about 260k. Right. And so,

I mean, think of it as probably, I guess, double the time of a commercial flight. Right. So can you go overseas or not?

Yeah, you can. Yeah. So are you allowed to or not? Yeah, you can. Yeah. So are you allowed to go to Tasmania once you get your license? Are you allowed to go to New Zealand? Yeah. What's the furthest you can go? Are you allowed to go to, hmm? Yeah, Easter Island.

What are we talking? India? Is it Siam? Is that what they call it? Hang on, let me. Thailand? Can you do that? Can you fly there? And is there room in the back? Hang on. Does me. Thailand? Can you do that? Can you fly there?

And is there room in the back? Hang on. Does this mean someone's going to come for a flight? I think I'm coming. I think I'm coming. Mate, great. Great. Would you?

Would you? Could you? No, it's in would you fly with me. Thailand or something. Man, honestly, the only time I ever hear the word light aircraft is on the news. So that's not good. Yeah, but I reckon celebrities and light aircrafts have always gotten along well. Well, also, it's that thing where it's like, Tommy Little dies.

Some cunt in the back also dies. That's a good point. Page 78. Yeah, that's a good point. Hey, you play your cards right, you can be some cunt in the front. Repeat to be giving oral sex to the pilot as the plane went down. Imagine that. Chandler, we're going down.

Quick, this will be funny. Sub a dick. It's going to kill. Chandler, we're going down. Oh, am I? Okay. No, I meant... Oh, don't worry about it.

It looks like his dental records are on his dick. Well, yeah, we got his dental records off Tommy's dick. That's awesome. Your management's trying to squash the story. Why didn't he just look at his teeth? Not as funny. And if you look back to the base of Mr. Little's cock, there it is. But yeah, Thailand.

How long was the flight to Thailand? So in a light plane A flight to Thailand Well, you'd have to refuel Yeah, okay Right, right, right So you can't Technically go overseas

But If you live from Darwin It's more I mean I want to I want to go around Australia In like Jan Flying wise?

Yeah Oh, that's a lot Looks like you're going around Australia In Jan Heading up there, man That'd be good to find out Once you hop in the back You said you'd go for a ride with me Flying-wise? Yeah. Gaslight looks like you're going around Australia. That'd be good to find out once you hop in the back. You said you'd go for a ride with me. Okay, the ride is around Australia.

I've got to do the pod at six. Well, I hope it's six in a month's time. Get on your phone. You can get reception one million feet in the air, can't you? One million? Oh, sorry. Fed six. That's the time that you were doing it.

But you could just spring across, like when you see all those documentaries about international cricket players and they show the plane just going, it flies from Melbourne to Adelaide to Darwin to up to the West East Indies and they have all the description of hopping across. I'll show you this. So this is an app I've become obsessed with, right, and I've started planning. Tinder? Sorry, well, I'm done.

I'm fresh out of gear. I'm fucking pilots. I didn't know there were so many runways around this country. And so this is all those circles you see here, this is just out of Melbourne. Yes. And they're all runways. You know what? You know what?

So this might segue into what I'm about to say is that what we've been looking forward to is a very, very, very, very, very softer version of what you're explaining. We're sort of planning, we want to go and do a live show, but at the moment, you know, like I said, every third show is a live show before all this happened. Capacities in Melbourne, it's going to take a little while to go back. As soon as we're allowed out in the country, we've been trying to figure out a sort of shitty country Victorian town that we're going to be allowed to go to and get the biggest crowd possible in the next month or two or something like that. So people have been sending suggestions. I don't want a good, proper good country town. I don't want, you know, like a beach coastal town, a cool, trendy town,

anything like that. I want a very bog fucking standard, very average, virgin on a bit shit town that's going to have a decent room for a gig at the back of a pub. Jeez, how's a local council not jumped onto this? We're a shit town. Was that the pitch? Oh, hang on.

My ears are burning at bog standard. Hey, there. Get in here. I think they're talking about it. It's sort of like tidy towns, but it's called shitty towns. Okay, so. We want an entire population that's never heard of Cacio e Pepe in their life. Yes. That's a prerequisite. Exactly, exactly. So

I've been scouting for that and people have been sending in suggestions. But when I've been doing that, the amount, so I've been doing hard research on all these fucking towns and seeing what's in there and what's not the amount of airports in these shit towns i'm like man yeah what the fuck it doesn't have two pubs but it's got an airport there yeah like what are you flying in for if it doesn't have two pubs what's the point of fucking going there yeah but it's because you know farmers and stuff that live there yeah you know

might all share a plane between six farms or something. And they have to move produce or whatever. Is the goal for you little to do a tour where it's like Iron Maiden style and you're flying around the country? Bruce Dickinson style. The goal is to... Bruce Dickinson or a little bit more John Travolta, shall we say. Sorry? Nothing.

What are you... I was just talking about the dental records again, I think. a little bit more John Travolta, shall we say. Sorry? Nothing. I was just talking about the dental records again, I think. He's talking about a dick and something. It's pretty rich when it's your dental records. Yeah, I'd love to. I didn't hear you say no up there. We're doing a gig in the sky. Mayday.

Who's that? Speaking of doing a pod in the sky, I found a site a while ago of private jets that you can rent. So great. I love it. On their return journeys. Pretty cheap because they get booked, then they've got to get back somehow.

Like a rental car. Yeah, yeah. So you can get a good rate. And I was like, God, it'd be good to just get a PJj just have like 10 of us up there record a pod in the sky and they're like they're so much cheaper than what you would expect given that like it needs to fit in with like a schedule that they've already got what are you thinking a bj on a pj what are you thinking Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very nice. Jay. Mr. Jandler. Okay. What was your huh then?

I can't remember. It was a long time ago. There was verbal disgust at Tommy's idea. I know. Him just saying, I've just got a thing about fucking light aircraft. I just don't think it's a good idea. Well, if it makes you feel any better, probably the way it drops out of the sky, it'll feel really heavy. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, a it makes you feel any better, probably the way it drops out of the sky, it'll feel really heavy.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, a light aircraft is the one you want. Yeah. Yeah, anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's fuselage to get

trapped under. Oh, someone's been studying. I mean, it's all the same shit, right? Oh, I assume that was another pastor of Italy. I was like, I wrote a

note to myself, got to learn how to cook the fuselage. Told you the book work Isn't going well The world's fattest Clearly relates everything Back to past

They're just like Check out the fusilli Around us right now Wait Crack the pepper Not the fuselage You've got to remember Pepe

Pepe Pepe Pepe So I've been doing A lot of scanning Of these pubs Around Victoria It's far

Fuck it's hard When you Wait wait Can I break down The criteria So what If I've read Lots a lot of scanning of these pubs around Victoria. Fuck it's hard when you... Wait, wait, wait. Can I break down the criteria? Yes. So what... If I rattle off some things in a town... Yeah, when you say Dalesford and Lorne, it's not happening.

Is that a Thai restaurant? Ooh. Certainly consideration. Certainly consideration. Yeah, if it hits a certain point... Yes. ...and you're just like, that pub looks like it's had a reno.

We're out. It is very tricky because I haven't figured out the rules myself really in my head properly i think i actually i think i've worked out what it truly is it's got to be just far enough away and just shit enough away for your wife and child to not want to tag along uh it could be down the block and that would happen it could be in another room in my house you underestimate how much they hate spending time with you. It could be at his house.

They're fine. I didn't even want to do this podcast today. They insisted. I was going to say, is the only one your partner's going to listen to going, I think you should go up with Tommy. I think that sounds like a really good idea. I don't reckon he should study anymore. I just think you guys should just go tomorrow.

He gets it. Look, I explained this idea and she was like, good luck. She wanted no part of it, so it's fine. But no, you're right. From what I'm sitting on the cell, it sounds great. So I can't see why she backed away from it. Yeah, so, no, but it is very tricky. So it's like, you look at a place, you go, fuck, this looks good.

And all of a sudden, you look at the menu and it's like, oh, there's no counter meals. Oh, that steak's 50 bucks. No, this is not the sort of place we want. That steak is 50 bucks? Yeah, yeah. Are you thinking like Daylesford or something? Yeah, yeah, like that. Like I'm looking through country towns where you go, hang on, this is nearly wine country.

No, that disqualifies you. There's the country town that gets a bit big for their boots where they're like, people love it here. Oh, just go to Ballarat. No, it's too big. I was going to say, as a man. You don't want too many people at the show. No, no, no. We've was going to say, as a man... You don't want too many people at the show. No, no, no.

We've been talking about this for like a month. Ah, let's find this weird off-the-grid country town and then we end up just going to Ballarat. It's like so sad. I just cannot believe, as a man who grew up just going to Victorian towns on holidays and there's plenty disappointing ones out there, I cannot believe you can't...

I reckon you could just turn it around and throw a dart at a map of Victoria and you'd hit a crap town. Yeah, it's much harder to find a good one. I couldn't agree more. It's a needle in a haystack. If only I could give you a rattle of five right now. You can go anywhere if you want.

I'm trying to pick the perfect one. Example A. Look, I need a pub that's not a gas show pub. I need the food to be looking... That's every pub in the country. No, it's not. It really isn't. I've been doing the work.

Don't worry. It's changing. It's a balance because we want it to be shit, but it also needs to be big enough to be able... Because we're thinking people are going to come from here, up from Melbourne to watch. So it needs to be enough of a comm. Everyone likes the people.

So it needs to be big enough and good enough to do a show, but not too good to be like. Have you thought about Ballarat? Oh, the place I lived in for eight years. No, it hadn't crossed my mind. Thank you. Hang on, Ballarat? Did you live in Ballarat for eight years?

I went to school there. I forget you're a lot older than I think. Yeah, yeah. I went to uni. Oh, you've got to be old to live in Ballarat. I didn't live in Sovereign Hill. I didn't live through that. Sorry.

So you weren't gold panning for eight years. Those pictures you saw me at Sovereign Hill weren't from way back then. They were from 1999. Why do you insist on wearing this old-timey dress then? So, yeah, it's a balancing act. And there's got to be a pub with room enough to do a podcast and not too good that they think that they'd already be full on a Saturday night, you know, in December or something like that.

Oh, you want someone who needs you as much as you need them. Exactly. No one needs you. Because the other thing is we want it to be somewhere sort of shitty and you're working on the assumption that like, oh, we're just out of lockdown, People will want to go everywhere, anywhere. But that's not 100% the case. Because like people can go anywhere now once the lockdown lifts.

So just because a podcast is on in the worst town of all time, they're not going to go, well, we'll give up our holiday for long. I want us to go to a place that's not an absolute, you know, absolute shit heap. But make this town's afternoon. Can I suggest a change in the language of your pitch? Yes. Absolute, you know, absolute shit heap. But make this town's afternoon. Make their day. Can I suggest a change in the language of your pitch? Yes. I'm not pitching this to, I'm not ringing up the mayor and saying,

listen, you know how you're a cunt. I'm here to fix it. Excuse me, Mayor Cunt. Mayor McCunt. I reckon you should, exactly what you just touched on there at the end, which is obviously COVID's been hard, and these big towns, they're going to bounce back anyway because people are going to them anyway. But there are some beautiful places out there that need a boost,

and we'd love to shine a spotlight. Because as we said, Ballarat's like Paris. They'll be fine. We don't need that kind of ritzy glamour. Exactly. Victoria is Paris. No, but look, you're dead right. This is the plan.

So I know I'm using this language now, but as soon as I start the PR campaign, when I ring up the bumfuck advocate to get a bit of PR, it'll be completely what you just said. I hate to burst your bubble, but this is being recorded. I just have to listen to the episode. No, don't get the internet in the country, you idiots. You're like, we get up there and all we ask in return

is that you not listen to the last five or six episodes of the podcast. Or anything we say within your venue about you and your pub and town. That's all you have to do. Or read our t-shirts that we printed out called the Shithole Festival. I wish I was dead instead of being here. Welcome to Bumfuck Pod. Tommy, if you could schedule your first flight up for the Wednesday night, this is happening. I'd be wrapped.

That would be amazing. The only flight where my passengers wish they died. Yeah. It is. But yeah, so I've been going. Don't just jump out here. For example, there's a pub I found that's awesome. It's this Art Deco pub in Bridgewater.

It's actually only about 45, 50 minutes outside of Maryborough. Bridgewater sounds nice. Yeah, it's nice. It's a really cool pub, but it's straight in the territory being too nice. And it's like, you know, I hit them up and they're like, oh, you have to book ahead. You have to put this deposit in. It's like, no, I can't.

That's not how we roll, which is a real shame. And it's a place with a bridge and water. Yes. You're like, well, fuck, you're already out of it. Well, not only that. You said that sounds nice. That's where trolls live. Yeah.

Thank you. But not only that, because it's around a lot of water. And this is really disappointing, because I looked at the pub and it's awesome. Like's where trolls live. Yeah. Thank you. But not only that, because it's around a lot of water, and this is really disappointing because I looked at the pub and it's awesome. This is the place. It's a real shame to have to put the line through it because it had a swimming location like a kilometre away from it. That's not bad.

A swimming hole? Yeah, called Chinaman's Hole. Oh, hell yeah. I'm like, fuck. That's right next to Jap Eye. Jesus. Are we talking about the plane ride again? I haven't been listening.

I think you're going to have to get in that plane and fly away from the gigs that you already have. The contracts that you've got. I want to swim in Chinaman's Hole. I do want to swim in Chinaman's Hole. That is a pretty crook sentence. That is so good. What about when you go to Bridgewater?

So what? Give me an idea because I think I understand what you're saying. Yes. But I want to know the questioning process of how you whittle it down. So is one of your questions, look, you need to have a pub and accommodation, but what would your reaction be if one of our guests took a shit in your pool? Yeah, yeah. Is that the type of stuff you're going for? Something like that.

Something like that. Ideally, you want a town maybe between 5,000 and 10,000. You want enough motels for our listeners to fit in. Can I cut to the core of what I think you're saying? Okay. Can I cut to the core of what I think you're saying? Okay. Which is, I understand everything that's happened so far,

but is what you're really saying, if the place is too nice, you're going to be worried about the impact that you and your listeners are going to have on said venue? That's a partial thought. Yeah. I think it's more the venue will gouge us financially. Yes. So you need to ask questions like top decking the toilets question mark how much right stuff like that yeah and find out there's a few places where i'm like i think we're

fine here um accommodation wise yeah 10 rooms have to share a bathroom i'm like yeah i don't think we'll be fucking this place up too bad yeah you need a place with bars on the window yeah yeah best western and two stars yes thanks yes exactly i'll have you've got oscar on the tv yes please prerequisite yeah what about instead of the best western we go for the middle west yeah not the worst western yeah i did like western i liked it before too you stopped yourself you're in a motel yeah yeah you didn't even dare to dream to think it's a hotel i want a motel i love a motel the sorry love is in i never want to say one again but uh very fond memories of doing road show and driving up to the front where you can all park at the front and going and getting

excited about the bickies and the red bricks yeah again never want to do it again but good luck to your podcast yeah we're still that's still aiming up for us. That's in your past. Which we haven't got there yet. Yeah, I know. So one of the towns was, I've ruled out Kerrang. You don't have to encourage me to look down on you. We're down here. Mate, I'm looking down on you from a fucking plane.

So Kerrang was a suggestion. Very tempted Kerrang. Couldn't make it work in terms of... Bro, I've got history in Kerrang. Oh, what do you got? I won the Billy... Kerrang has a great fair, and I won the Billy Carr race first and second prize.

How did you win both? Because it's a time... It was a time trial, and I got the fastest and second fastest time. And I was, like, so excited. I didn't say what the prizes were. It was at night. And then I got to drive excited. I didn't say what the prizes were. It was at night. And then I got to drive around to the people donating the prizes the next day.

First prize, what does every, I would have been eight. What does every eight-year-old want? A litre of oil. Oh, great. Nice. Sick. And the second prize, I got 12 apples. Oh, 12 apples.

Yeah. Okay. You still got that oil? Could you chuck that in the plane? You still got that apple? Chuck that that in the plane You still got that apple Chuck that in the Plane We could bring it to our motel

You know what am I Cacio e pepe Shit It's apple and oil Just add oil to the pan No not motor oil I did honestly When I hear oil

My default is olive And I was like That's a fucking Pretty good price. That's not bad. Sorry, yes. This was Caltex agrania. Well, Kerrang, because you're experienced.

And it's got a good pool, sorry. Yeah, you're experienced in Kerrang. You might know that very, very close, I was pretty keen to go to one of the little satellite towns of Kerrang, which is called, and I think I thought you would know of this, or this would be up your alley at the very least, Tittybong. Yes. Tittybong.

You know of Tittybong? I know of Tittybong. I've played golf. Have you won any Billy Cart races there? No Billy Cart races are there, but I've played golf at Tittybong. Have you really? I think so, yes. Because I'd love to see the golf course in that case,

because it says here Tittybong has a population of three. So I remember Tittybong being sand scraped. How big is the course? Well, I remember being sand scraped. But I also – You're high on oil and apple. I've been to most shitholes in this country. And so, you know, they all start to blend into one.

Right, right. Not a lot of them are called Tittybong, to be fair. Six holes per person. But there's Titty Joint. There's Titty Bucket Bomb. Right, right. There's Nipley Bug. Yeah, yeah. So there's titty joint There's titty bucket bong Right right There's a lot of them There's nipply bugue Yeah yeah There's so many

You get confused I love it It's my favourite And that'll lead to Chinaman's hole If you do it all right How do you have a population of three though? Like Is it three in the one house?

Is it Is there three studio apartments? Three single guys Yeah Well someone's got the titty Someone's got the bong And the other one's enjoying it. Yeah, yeah.

Three guys grinder in titty bong. I don't reckon there is. I reckon there's a couple and Gavin. Yeah. And the couple just looking out the window. Gavin titty bong, who's not leaving because his great-great-great-grandfather named the place. He's biding his time.

He's like, they'll get bored. They'll be looking for a third sooner or later. And I love the idea that every couple of days one asks one another, do you know where you can get any gear around here? There's three of us. No. No one's come in or out of town. Hey, have you heard the gossip about me?

Yeah. You won't believe who's been up to no good. Like the oil and the last apples Went out three years ago, mate Did you hear about the kid That rode past the other day And his billy cart's smoking an apple bong? So Titty Bong's out Catch you, me, if you can

Sorry Titty Bong's out Titty Bong's out Too small Too small Yeah, three people Three people They don't have it

Unless we can get it at the golf course Unless there's like a pub at the golf course I'm going to look up the Titty Bong golf course You can get it at the golf course. Unless there's like a pub at the golf course. I'm going to go to the Tittybong golf course. You can get a marquee at the golf course. Oh, that's not bad. The what?

Marquee? Yeah. At the Tittybong golf At the Tittybong golf course. It'd be... We're driving our own marquee up at that

point, surely. What was the issue with Kerrang? What's it closest to? Because you could get a marquee. In all seriousness. Kerrang.

It's close to Kerrang. Close to Swan Hill. Right. Yeah. Close to Swan Hill?ain. It's close to Corain. Close to Swan Hill. Right. Yeah. This is Swan Hill. Yeah. A bit too close. It's getting a bit far away, though.

It's getting a little bit far away. Swan Hill's probably too fancy. Yes. No, totally. Well, I don't think anyone's ever said that about Swan Hill before. But. But. In comparison to us.

Yes. Yes. A little dum-dum on a steamboat? Ooh. On the flowing Murray? What is this? Look, the ones I was thinking of, what have we got? Wangaratta was looking all right because the pub had a good performance space.

It's two and a half hours away. Which pub? Which one? I didn't know down the... Is it the Albion or something there? It rings a bell, but I've looked at a lot of pubs, and most of them are called Railway or Albion. I went to... I sound like I'm just naming... them are called Railway or Albion. I went to,

I sound like I'm just naming, there was a pub that they used to call The Zoo there and I went to get in a fight with a guy and he took his teeth out and he handed them

to his missus and she didn't flinch. Wow. She just turned, took his teeth, put them in her pocket and kept talking and I was like,

I'm... Yeah, he's got nothing, a man with nothing to lose. I take back my velvet glove and I regret slapping you with it. So he could be a guest on the show. We've got guests lined up. I was going to say, Wayne's got some

really nice festivals too. That is nice. Maybe it's too nice. You guys won't be allowed in to a nice festival. It sounds too nice. Look, big nomination is Seymour. They've got inexplicably like three really good looking pubs it's 90 minutes from melbourne pretty and it's on a train line like you can get on the train

from flinders street here and get there in 90 minutes yeah that's that's pretty good that's pretty good for getting for getting punters yes that's So hang on. So it's 90 minutes from Melbourne. Yeah. But then if you get on a train here, you can get there in 90 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like that math? How many days is that? I need you to do my flight study.

I've been doing my train study. That's how I know that one. No, no, no. Tommy really needs you to do the flight study. He has not read a thing. I was genuinely impressed. Forgive me if I sound as... So I'm down to the Seymour. I think that's a genuine consideration.

There's Heathcote because Heathcote... Have you been to Heathcote? Heathcote's nice, I think. Is it nice? Heathcote's nice. Is it too nice? I'm looking up Seymour now. Yeah, you look up Seymour.

Heathcote I looked up and I found this pub that looked like... I didn't know pubs like this existed anymore. It looks like, honestly, like a fucking jail or something. And I'm like, this, they won't have any problems with us here. So back to other suggestions. Is Bendigo too big as well? It's way too big. Way too big.

But Seymour's quite big, isn't it? On my Google search, it's just 8,000. I went to put in Seymour and the things that come up is Seymour Medical Clinic and Seymour Hospital. Yeah, yeah. So it's good to know. Yeah, they're the tourist attractions. I'll fly you guys there. Yeah, great.

Oh, no, I've crashed into the medical centre. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, God. Heathcote. Let me find it. Goulburn Valley Shire of Mitchell. The photos look incredible.

It looks like a very nice town. Hey, what about... It's not far away. Maybe it's not far enough away for you. It's so stunning. What about Warburton? Warburton's good. Warburton's like...

Too nice. And it's not really a country town. Yeah. It's sort of an extensive album. It's the bed, isn't it? Just trying to help. That's a good suggestion. I'll tell you what's not.

Thanks for your help, but fuck off. Okay. You know what wouldn't be bad? A military base. It's called the Warbird and Welcome. Puckapunyal is very cool. Puckapunyal military base. That's close to Heathcote.

Yeah. Yeah. It's on the way, so we can stop there for a beer, obviously. Doing the gig on a military base would be pretty cool. I'll tell you what. For someone who worried about me slowing down the pace of the podcast with a bit of Kacha and pepe stuff. You've really ground this bad boy to a halt.

No, no, no, no, no. Fucking hell, you're holding other people to standards that do not apply to yourself. See what happens. No. So Seymour, I think Seymour sounds good. Because again, we want this balance. We do want it to be shitty,

but we also want people to want to come there. I have a feeling that if we pick anywhere too shit, the people listening to this are just going to be shitty but we also want people to want to come there I have a feeling that if we pick anywhere to shit the people listening to this are just going to be like yeah I've been in lockdown for three months I'm not that desperate

to go fucking anywhere that I'm just going to go somewhere shit I can just stay in Melbourne and have a good time where did I play recently that had a

banging a beautiful theatre your living room sorry that was my house so sorry beautiful fireplace that was my house. Beautiful fireplace. That was a Netflix special I watched. So what about this?

I'm upping the ante. So this is the thing I think is next level. For you that you're worried about, people might think, why don't I stop in Melbourne? What's this bumfuck country town got to offer me? Here's the next level. Fallatio for everyone who's coming. Delivered personally by the hosts of the podcast.

As recommended by Tommy Little. Those famous teeth marks are at it again. Just when he thought he was extinct, his teeth marks keep showing up on the basis of cocks everywhere. It tastes like green curry Carl, get involved. I've been stressed in lockdown, I've been grinding a lot so you don't have to worry about any of that.

There are little nubs in there. You're going to be fine. Hottie Dickie. So. Hottie Dickie. Next. Harry Gluggy. John Blackman's back again.

Hottie Dickie. Oh, more Pepe. Let's catch you. Next level, right? So. Shut up. We don't care. Stop trying to bring it back to fucking listing country towns. We're talking about sucking dick in the house at a great time.

Yeah, I made it up. I started this. Let me stop it. You started it. You didn't start talking about it. I couldn't talk about it. I got something to give you in that mouthful. I couldn't talk about it.

I got something to give you about mouthful. So, so, a lot of these places are on train lines, they're on bus lines. Here's what we do. Here's what we do.

I've done the research, I've talked to the people involved. This is, this is properly going to happen. We're hiring a bus and the bus, it's going to be Milan's party bus

and Milan is hosting the bus. You've talked to the people involved? I've talked to... How'd you get onto it? To the bus line. To the bus line as well. Bro. So it's a hired bus.

Milan is extremely keen to host the party bus. Milan Krencevic. Yeah. Okay. The Milan you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy from the start of this bus. Milan Krenchevic. Yeah. Okay. The Milan you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy from the start of this episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. It's a callback. That's the only reason this tracks. Yeah, yeah. And Pepe is driving the bus.

And I suck someone's dick. Yeah. Yeah. The circle of life. Thanks for listening, guys. See you in Heathcote or wherever the fuck. I'm so angry with you. Why?

Because you knew where you were ending up. Yes. And you made us sit through ten minutes of listing towns that you weren't going to go to where you could have just said, guys, we've got a bus. Yes. He wants the journey, mate. He wants the journey. Yeah wants the journey yeah oh yeah i thought you really wanted to know i was impressed yeah

tommy got beaten up and sucked off by guys teeth he handed to his girlfriend in country victoria well that man knew that dentures leave marks around his tics. Or as they call it in the biz, the Chandler effect. The closest to the Mile High Club I ever got. So Milan is going to host the bus. There's room for, it's a 25 seater. Yep. So it'll be about 50 or 60 bucks to travel on that.

So if you want to come along to this thing and don't want to drive and want to get driven there and experience a way better time on the bus than you'll actually have at the gig. Hang on. Sorry. Is the town thing still up for grabs? Yes. I thought now you were saying the gig is going to be on the bus.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We've got the bus booked in, but it's like destination question mark. Next episode, we can still tune in for more of this fucking boring pick a town stuff. The census.

Yeah. Thank God. I can't wait till you... Actually, we haven't chosen what model of the bus yet, so there's still that as well. So we'll get to do that. Toyota, Nissan, who knows? You know when you tune into the national news and they're like, now which city should we do tonight?

Who are we going to focus on? What sort of news should we talk about? Where's the weather? No, exactly. It's like when the weatherman goes, and we've got a photo in from Who Gives a Shit. This is great, isn't it? I saw a weatherman recently editing his own photo.

It's a cost cutting. Editing his own photos into the footage. Oh, of weather. Hey. Of editing his own photos into the footage. Oh, no. Oh, of weather. Hey? Of weather. No. Just taking pictures of weather.

Yeah, that people have sent in. They're cost cutting in the weather department. I know. Like, this is on the way out. Apparently there's not enough of it. Your day's at number two. I can't afford to take off the car. Taking photos of horizons for 30 years. And then the hammer comes down and all of a sudden,

old snappy, snappy bullshit landscape has been thrown out in the street. Hey, do you want a fun fact that might not be that fun but is interesting? A fact, we call them. So, yeah, facts. Sorry. Jeez, that was wordy. Want to go that through on Twitter? It's probably not limited anymore.

Anyway, you know how the weather has been not very accurate lately? Like so often we get told we're having a rainy weekend. Yeah, because, Bom, it's like it's negging us. It'll just be like rainy day tomorrow. And then you show up and they're like, for 10 minutes and the rest of it's awesome. Yeah, it's a bit tricky. Bullshit, Bom. Would you like to know some of the reason behind that?

I've been thinking this. Uh-oh. Conspiracy theory. Uh-oh. No. Okay. But I'm open to that. Yeah.

No, a lot of planes, like passenger planes, when they ping back, they have their transponders on, which will ping every 10, 15 minutes, whatever. They also ping weather data back. And so because there's heaps less planes in the sky, there's heaps less data around. So you're doing your bit to make the weather more accurate. Right.

So it's taken from all these different points, and now there's just heaps less information. Yeah. So it means there's... Wow. It sounds like when Carl's in the sky he'd be nice and wet. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah. I'll give you a lightning rod. Titty, titty, bong, bong, chime and toll. It is insane that we got to 2021 and that was still the system. That they're like, no, they've got this fucking plane thing sorted out we don't need to work

on any other tech no no no they have other sources it just adds to yeah okay yeah so it just means instead of having five dark points

the other source is the guy that goes I think it's going to rain yeah exactly the guy that licks his finger and holds it in the wind yeah and some bloke

looking at ants going they look fucking busy yeah I think it's going to piss down in a minute and another bloke going damn it this is the fifth time I've tried to make this fucking catch you. I was waiting for it to kick off in the last couple of weeks.

Someone out there going like, someone who would have been at the protests being like, the fucking Bureau of Meteorology are colluding with the Andrews government, telling us it's going to rain all weekend so we don't go out there and have our fucking picnics and we stay inside. I guarantee there's people chewing their faces off right now. I reckon that was me. I was genuinely ropeable because when you've got two little kids, you're just like, oh, so we're just locked inside, are we?

And then the day would turn up and you're like, this is a gorgeous day. We should have planned to do something. The day would turn up. Like it always does. Look at a kid's gorgeous day. turn up. Like it always does. Look at a kid that's gorgeous. Damn it. I'd be furious because you just spent a whole day going, we're going to wipe this one away.

The kids are just watching movies. We've got nothing to do. Yeah. I've had a couple of beers, guys. But hey, you'll be able to bring the kids on the bus. To see what with Milan. Come down to Camperdown or wherever the fuck we're going. Oh, he's still leaving it up in the air.

I'm narrowing it down. I'm looking at the list now. Here it is. Seymour. Here's my nomination. Seym going. This is it. Oh, he's still leaving it up in the air. I'm narrowing it down. I'm looking at the list now. Here it is. Seymour. Here's my nomination. Seymour, Heathcote, Camperdown. That's it. Do you want me to vote?

Camperdown is... Camperdown's a long way away. Yeah, but that's a good bus ride. It's two hours, 15 minutes. Why is that a good bus ride? I reckon you want to get a bus ride over without a need to piss for everyone. No, but you get to do pub stops on the way if you kick it over two hours.

You know, Camperdown is suitably, I think, what you're asking for. Yeah, you like it? I believe off memory as a child. Because Camperdown is often where you stop when you're driving. It's Camperdown, a horse in that kind of area when you're going to Adelaide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it is like... Yep.

Yeah. Two hours, two and a half hours on the bus maybe. Nice old school pub. Couple of good pub stops on the bus maybe. Nice old school pub. Couple of good pub stops on the way. Very doable, I reckon. Jeez, we're back in the game, Tommy. You were shitting on it before, but I'm back in. I've actually stopped paying attention.

Oh, you started. Thank you. I think we got in for about two minutes in the middle there. When I said bus, all of a sudden someone was like, Oh, the wheels go around. We're back in the game. This is the worst reality TV show. Like, the mask, who could give a fuck?

What's behind here? I don't care. I've been hitting an imaginary buzzer, hoping my chair would turn the other way around. And you just fly away on the chair. Thank God. Looking around for where I am, wondering why I'm not over here. Isn't this classic pandemic?

Like 18 months ago, I swear I wouldn't have been going, imagine if we could go to one of three country towns that's under the population of 5,000. I was all like, I'm going to Koh Samui every two weeks. All of a sudden I'm like, imagine going to Donald. No, no, guys, there's a twist. I'm going to be on a bus and my friend will be with me. Thank God God everyone.

Cut to Is this on your dick again? Yeah, your dental records are now on Milan's cock as the bus goes into a ravine. I didn't want it to end like this.

Oh man, I hope it's that fun. Oh God. Alright, well we better wrap it up there for another week. Dave Thornton, Tommy Little, our very special

guests, thank you very much for joining us. And guys, let us know those three towns. And I swear it's going to be, I reckon, second weekend of December. So that would mean 11th of December. I reckon 11th of December. Let's say that. Yeah. Are you saying to us to let you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. No, there's people listening at home. Is that who you meant? I couldn't tell if you meant the one on our- No, not you. Not you's people listening at home. Is that who you meant? I couldn't tell if you meant Domino and I. No, not you. Not you.

The people at home. Great. Through the talk stick. Yeah, yeah, no, but what's your opinion, Tommy? Yeah, no. You'll be there. Yeah, I actually will.

Sorry, sorry. I was trying to say no and in my head I was like, sounds really funny. I'd love to. Once I narrow down the tables it's going to get exciting. Let me fly one of you fuckers. Fuck. One of you should go in the bus and let me fly the other one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love to. Once I narrow down the towns, it's going to get exciting.

Let me fly one of you fuckers. Fuck. One of you should go in the bus, let me fly the other one. Can you do it? Can you do it by then? Can you do it by 11th of December? Yep. All right.

Well, now we're going to find out which one of those three towns has an airport. No, all of them will have them near. Yeah, they probably will actually. Fuck, that's... This is pretty good. Yeah. This sounds good. I'm committed. I'm in. This sounds good. Guys, this is like cannonball run. Yeah. This sounds good. I'm committed. I'm in.

This sounds good. Guys, this is like Cannonball Run. You're in different cars. Oh, yes! Seeing who gets there. Wacky races. Yeah. You're going to be Muttley.

Yeah. The dream. Burt Reynolds is going to be in one car. Dom DeLuise. That's Milan, I think. That's exactly it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to be so bad

Did not need to end that This is good This is going to be good Alright Yeah Tommy Little Dave Thornton Thanks for joining us You have things to plug

Little you're on the radio Every god damn day Yep Yep 36 on the Hit Network Get around it You'll have your Your both the festival shows

Coming up Yes Going to Adelaide And not Perth probably mine might be my funeral service from the

the flying attempt out to Donald is that where we're going yeah no not Donald that's the one that's ruled out I think we ruled out one town this episode

but camper down the airport maybe you might be able to and Dave's show will be called RIP to Tommy Little the funniest comedian I've ever met

great by the sounds of things, I'll just be N friend in the news article. And acquaintance. Yes, but I'll be touring, doing all

that stuff. Get in push. Great. Great. Exciting. Mate, that was half R. I'm dead and I gave

mine more. Yeah, I know. I know. No, it's going to be good. Yeah. Someone's a little bit shitty they haven't been invited to Camperdown yet. I think that's what's happening here. So, you know. No, it's going to be good. Yeah. Someone's a little bit shitty they haven't been invited

to Camperdown yet. I think that's what's happening here. So, you know, look, open invitation. If only I could meet those lofty hearts. Open invitation. We can lock down Camperdown,

that is. Well, circling back to what we were talking about before, this will be like 9-11 but we're all trying to forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Never forget. No, I'm trying to.

My heart is... The whole thing was a shit show. 11-12, please forget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Never forget. No, I'm trying to. My heart is... The whole thing was a shit show. 11, 12, please forget. Love you, boys. Thank you for having us. Thank you. See you, mate. See you, mate.

And they've done it again. Absolutely. I concur. Done it again for the last time in this setup of being in a bar. Yes.

We can broadcast from our own home this time next week, so that'll be good. Surprising. Thank goodness we'll be somewhere where there's no beers. Yes. Well, there's a lot of beers at my house at the moment. Don't you worry about that. Let's go and do another one tonight.

But, yeah, we've done the episode. We've sat around talking shit with Little and Thornton and a lot of fun. And now we are creeping up closer to that beautiful curfew that we have for another three days in this city. So we've got to get cracking. Yeah, we better not do too many more than five names in the Patreon room tonight. But yeah, look, continuation from... Look, I'd like to have had a confirmed venue, as we were talking about, for this country gig. I just haven't been able to get confirmations of availabilities

from venues yet, whatever, you know, locking down. Well, that's a good... We've brought up... We've chatted about it a little bit more. We've brought up the element of the party bus. Yep. And maybe that's a good, we've brought up, we've chatted about it a little bit more. We've brought up the element of the party bus. Yeah. And maybe that's a good line in the sand. Next week's episode, you will find out.

We will crown the winner. Why don't we say that? That's it. That's a good line in the sand. Yes. I think that's the date. Next week, you'll have the location. Because look, to be honest.

What better way to celebrate being back in my house for the first time? Who's, you know, if people want to come, people are coming for the whole experience. People are not going, hang on, it's in Wedderburn? No, no, no, I wanted to go to Nill. Like no one's going for the actual six out of ten town itself. I feel like some people are. Some people seem pretty passionately like they're lobbying for a specific. I think that's because they live there though.

I think that's a bad idea. Well, still, it's a horse in the race. That's still something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's better than anyone from Melbourne has, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fair enough. I did want to show you...

I'll put it up on the socials as well, but the pub in Heathcote that I'm sort of semi-in-love with because when you look it up, it's... So Heathcote's quite quite a small town it's not yes you know look none of the you know none of the contenders are huge towns obviously i don't you know that's that's part of it uh population of heathcote is 2793 it says here okay very small town um does have enough com has three pubs which i think is a lot for under 3 000 people that's a lot of pubs a thousand people per pub well done if you assume that literally every person in the town is in a

pub at all times um uh the first one the first review of the union hotel uh that comes up worst pub in victoria okay yeah it's not bad i'm. I'm sort of pretty, like if we got out of lockdown and we got to go to the worst pub in Victoria for our first trip away. That's a great way to spend your first weekend. That would be pretty cool to go to the single worst pub in Victoria. It looks pretty, what I'm in love with is it is a pub left back in time. It's quite astounding. i'm going to show you yeah it's not going to help anyone at home too much but look at this pub right so here we go so

great frontage classic classic frontage it looks like something in birdsville or something you know like a uh if you were making a some sort of a documentary about the body line series or something in the 1940s or something, and it's like, oh, that's where Don Bradman was drinking. You go, yep, fair enough. That's exactly what a pub from back then would look like. Is that Carlton Draft? Carlton Draft, yeah.

The big, big Carlton Draft in a little circle sitting on the roof. I mean, that's as classic as it gets. Also, the frontage, it's got the second story, but it's got the, what do you call that when you can, it you can... You wouldn't call that a balcony. You call that just fucking... There's tables and shit up there. I guess it's a balcony. Sort of a balcony. Balcony seating.

But it's like the four arches kind of at the front, mirrored on top for the balcony. The sort of balcony that you wouldn't go on because you'd think that's going to fall over. Right, yes. I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my Lord.

Yes, it's pretty ghetto isn't it have a look at the inside of it with you i'm pretty sure when we drove maybe we we drove to cambridge just to do a gig like not the pod but to do stand up yes and we stopped off in some country town i wish i could remember where that was i remember where it was it's the one that when we say this everyone will know the town it's the town that you stop off in if you're driving from melbourne to canberra everyone stops off in it because it's got an excellent bakery yep and it's got that fucking big missile that people in a park that people jump on sits on it pretends they're dick yes we definitely did that yeah but um we the pub we went to where it was like all the cutlery came

out like individually wrapped in plastic yes it's just like this is so much wastage yeah and so much like how are they doing this? They've got a little sealing machine back there. And it was like this pub, very left back in time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it reminded me of, it just looks like some cunt's kitchen. Yep, yep. This is...

Yeah, dingy little stairwell. Yeah. This is, you could see this pub as sort of a place where everyone's having a beer just before they go off to war. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yep, yep, yep. Look at that front bar.

That looks like it should be in the middle of the desert where you've got no other standards. For anyone who's seen this recent Australian film, The Dry, with Eric Banner, it sort of looks like the pub in that that he's staying in. Yeah, very, very similar. Look at this pub. Look at this fucking pub. This is great. This is a pub that's open only a couple of hours

away from us. Well, I've lost track. Is this somewhere we're going or not? This is the consideration. Is this a contender? This is a contender. This is the Heathcote contender.

Heathcote, okay. I like this. This venue is good. The Union Hotel. I'll go back to that Palmer. That's not the best Palmer. I love us going, curfew's about to kick in.

We'd better make this a quick one. Now let's just commentate photos of a Palmer for people who can't see the photos of the Palmer. Is that a good-looking Palmer to you? If you want to follow along with this commentary, if you just Google Maps Union Hotel, you can... You never know. It's like I've had meals, I've cooked meals that have been, like, fantastic, and then I've thought, I need to put a photo of this online, and it's just, photogenically,

you just can't get it to look right with the lighting or whatever. But it's like, good coverage of cheese. Looks like it could be all right. All right, all right. So, here's some more. Yep. Yep. Very middle.

Dingy stuff. Photo lighting. I wouldn't even say dingy it's just like a pub that should be like 3000 miles from anywhere else that's the feel of this pub yeah it shouldn't be in civilisation

yep I love it yeah the balcony looks good balcony actually looks pretty nice it's got a good view I want to hang out there. Yeah. Now, look, this is where I reckon the podcast will be.

Look at this. Out the back, yeah. Look at this place. There's a little stage. There's a tiny little fucking stage. It looks... This could be the most pov fucking venue we've ever been at. Yeah, how many...

Oh, remember the place in Canberra where we were, like, basically outdoors? Dirt floor. This is better. This is, oh, I don't know. How many times do you reckon Dara Braithwaite's horses has been belted out on that stage? It's got to be in the high hundreds. Now, that image of the stage, if this is where we choose and this is where we perform, that stage is absolutely insane. It looks like there's shower curtains as the curtains.

Even just calling it a stage is an affront to the concept of a stage yeah it's it looks like just it's just a carport or something it's just a it's just a fucking slab of wood it's like you're standing on something that is elevated beyond the audience by like two inches it is it's amazing looking. Again, if you want to go and have a look at Google map images, look at Union Hotel of Heathcote. This little area, it looks like if you're making a movie for some – and the idea was there's a town that has – maybe it's Tittybong, population three, and they were putting on the Tittybong talent quest. This is the set you would build for the Titty Bong, Population 3, and they were putting on the Titty Bong Talent Quest.

This is the set you would build for the Titty Bong Talent Quest. It's like a film that you just kind of stumble across in a bargain bin at a video store. It's an Australian film that you've never heard of from 20-something years ago. Ben Mendelsohn's in it. You're like, oh, wow, young Mendo. I love Mendo before he broke through in Hollywood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, wow, young Mendo. Yeah, yeah. I love Mendo before he broke through in Hollywood. Yeah, and he's got the Shearer singlet on.

Absolutely, yeah. But the set-up, the scenery, you're looking at it going, it's a bit much. Right. They've laid it on a bit thick. Yeah, they're not really doing that sort of stuff anymore. Yeah. This is like, if people from other countries see this

and think this is what Australia looks like now, it's a bit of a piss take. They're sort of set in an Australian film that you kind of pissed off if the film gets popular enough that it's big internationally because you're like, oh no, just more shit where people from America think that we're all riding kangaroos to school and shit like All of a sudden there's going to be a koala walk on stage doing a fucking impersonation of Frank Spencer as part of the talent quest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't quite happen like that.

I wouldn't mind saying that. But, yeah, that's what it. Yeah. It doesn't quite happen. I wouldn't want to. But, but yeah, that's what it looks like. That's, it's fucking, it's pretty impressive. So,

yeah, go and have a look, but that is a strong contender. Maybe that might sway people out. Heath could sway after seeing those pictures and hearing us talk about it, but yes, we'll see. But anyway,

like we said, we don't have heaps and heaps. We are racing against the clock. We got to get into some names. We got to quickly thank some Patreon sponsors. Now, I wanted to show you this quickly before we begin. Normally, we get a lot of good names happening here over the Patreon read. You know, we've seen some great ones.

I've seen, I think recently, the best name I've ever seen in my life. This is a letter that I got in the mail at my house yesterday from someone who used to live there. Check out this for a name. Read it out. Mr. Clifton Bagaman. How the fuck is that for a name? And the address is... No.

Mr. Clifton Bagaman. Right. Now, do you think it's going to get any better than that today? Well, you can... I was going to say you can write back to him, but you can't because you've only got your own address to write to.

Yeah, exactly. It's just a circle where... I was going to say, you write back to him, but you can't because you've only got your own address to write to. Yeah, exactly. It's just a circle where... I was going to say you can write to him and say, man, subscribe. Because I don't want to say anything more about that name for free, to be honest. No. It's not what I do. It really destroyed me. It's rare that you think you're going to have a good laugh when you go to your own mailbox.

But fuck, it killed me. Just opening it up, I was like, oh, is this for me or my partner? Clifton Bagerman. Did you think you'd got drunk in lockdown and changed your name again? Yeah, I did. I looked him up on Facebook. And the most recent status on Facebook from five years ago. I'm moving out after pissing and wanking all over the walls of this house.

No, not quite. From five years ago, the status, having lunch. Oh, wow. Fuck, what a life you lead when Your name's Clifton Bagerman. I feel like I know him already. All right, let's crack in. We'll drag the UTA out. Oh, thank goodness.

We don't have to leave it at the pub anymore. It's, yeah, just been, you know, getting a bit of dust in here. No one's in here. Instead of being polished every week like it used to be back home being polishing yep we're still talking about yep right

okay let's crack in thank you very much to Patreon subscriber number one first cab off the rank this week it is thank you to

Sam Wotherspoon Sam Wotherspoon Wotherspoon Wotherspoon Wotherspoon W-O-T-H-E-R-S-P-O-O-N. How has someone managed to get a name more tough sounding than Reese Witherspoon? Yeah.

And also, like, isn't, isn't, what's the, is it Wetherspoon? That's the, that's the, the brand of pubs in the UK? Wetherspoon, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, somewhere in between that and Reese Witherspoon sits Sam Watherspoon. I do like that Watherspoon does sound like the Aldi Wetherspoon, which if you're in the UK or you've been to the UK

and you've been to I think what's pretty universally known as the shittest pubs in the UK. But hey, they fooled us. Yeah. When we were there, we were like, yeah, let's pop in. Yeah. It's all right. That was terrible.

Absolutely shocked. Pubs that open for breakfast too. Yeah. And also like, how can you go in? Wasn't that where we went? Yeah, we went there. We went. We got a meal.

We went in Liverpool for breakfast. Yeah. Terrible. Yeah. Really awful. But again, we're talking to people in England that they know all this. But to people from here, from Australia, I don't know if this makes sense to you, but to go into a pub and it be cheap and you still be like, this sucks.

Well, and also you're saying people in Britain, they know this. It's like they probably don't know this. They probably think it's great. They're like, oh, I'm loving this. No, they don't. It's a delicious bit of nosh, this is. Oh, hang. They probably think it's great. They're like, oh, I'm loving this. No, they don't. It's a delicious bit of nosh, this is. Oh, hang on. Oh, it's okay, but beer's a bit cold.

Oh, I'm getting frostbite on the hands. Yeah, nah. Put it back in the kettle a bit more, will you? Pour some fucking boiling water in there. Yeah, sorry, Wetherspoon. Imagine if it's the Wetherspoon, it's, sorry, Wetherspoon. Imagine if it's the Wetherspoon, it's the Aldi Wetherspoon. It's an even shitter Wetherspoon.

Yes. Where the bacon and eggs are fucking 20p. Borken and Ogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it in the Aldi near my house. But just so you know, you're saying maybe the people in the UK don't know. They do know what I know of.

The only thing I know about it is that I think it's known as a place where you just go and preload because the beers are so cheap it's like let's just get in there fill up on this and then go somewhere that isn't fucking shit i was in aldi the other day near my house and they have their knockoff brand of rice bubbles yep is um bugs bunnies breakfast bubbles wow and it's like okay you don't want to play the rice bubbles license but you're happy want to play the Rice Bubbles license, but you're happy to chip into the Warner Brothers? Happy to hit up Mr. and Mr. Warner.

Yeah. Pretty strange stuff. That is a weird knockoff brand to be more illustrious than the original. Absolutely. Yeah. They've got a name brand on there. All right. Well, thanks, Sam.

We really are going to have to go rapid pace. I know. I know. Because the venue is trying to close up around us. They are trying to do that. We might even have to do less than five. I do want to give them a little bit of value for money. But Sam Wetherspoon, if you've ever been, if you've ever thought about opening up a

brand of pubs with your name, I would love it. I'd love the concept of you to be this is going to be shitter than weather spoons. Look, if we get like pushed out onto the street midway through doing these

we just rip through the names and then we do a do-over next week maybe when we're back in the same room. Or we could just go home now and do the rest of this on Zoom.

I hate that idea. Yeah, right. Okay. Thanks, Sam. Thanks, Sam. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Anya Muston. Anya Muston? Yeah.

I really thought you were going to say mustard then. No, no. I wish I had have. No, that's the oldie version of Anya Muston. Anya Muston. Yeah. Anya. Anya. A-N-J-A.

Anya? A-N-J-A. Surely Anya. I'm going to guess this is a lady. I'm going to guess it is too. It sounds very feminine. Very feminine name. Very feminine. Anya. Surely she's on theJA. Surely. I'm going to guess this is a lady. I'm going to guess it is too. It sounds very feminine. Very feminine name. Very feminine.

ANJA. Surely she's on the book. Surely. Surely she's on the book. A name like ANJA, you've got to be on the book. I would love if one of these people were the residents of Heathcote. That would be good. That could be the way that we judge which city we're going to do,

which town we're going to do. It is pretty ridiculous. Like, you know, look, it always feels to me quite ridiculous that we have so many listeners and all that sort of stuff. She's not in the book. But what I find particularly funny is when we go specific and then someone arcs up. Like, we did a thing on the Patreon last week or whenever it was

where we sort of bagged this pizza place. Oh, yeah, in Adelaide. Outside of Adelaide. Yeah. South Australia. Yeah, in a little town outside of Adelaide. Yeah. And we're like, oh, this is funny.

Just poor shit on this bunch of fuckheads that run a pizza joint. Yeah. And then someone hits us up immediately. Yeah, I live in that town and that pizza joint sucks. And then another person goes, yeah, I grew up with the kids that own the fucking pizza joint. It's like, fuck it now. Okay, it's a small world. So there could be.

What I'm just saying is there could be. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe we could be swayed location-wise of the pubs if we have any listeners at all that live in either Seymour, Heathcote or Camperdown. Right. Well, maybe this goes back to one of the original pitches, which we want a town with the biggest loser in it. We can't say that because then they're going to, they don't want to put their hands up

then. No, but I mean, between those three towns, it's like, make a case, get us, you know, yes, sway us. If you live there, something that's going to be appealing to us content-wise. Maybe it's you think you're a big loser. Maybe you have a friend who's a big loser. Maybe you think just whatever you think about the town is going to make for a good podcast. So not just you'll have a good time here, but you'll make a good show out of something that's here.

A story there, an angle, something. Even some info about one of the possible uh podcast locations one of the pubs um something about um uh the owners about a feature of the pub about something like that give us a little bit of anything anything that could sway us yeah that would be good but i'm fascinated now now i'm fascinated not on the book the the sort of the sort of uh name that i i think wow i feel pretty cool about a name of a person like that listening to our podcast. Yeah.

It sounds too good to be a podcast listener. Absolutely. It sounds too, what would you say, too international. Yeah. But, man, I just Googled that name. That name exists nowhere on the internet. Wow. This person does not exist.

This person has just tried to make themselves more impressive than what they are. This name. Well, why waste time on it? You want to get out of here. I'm stressing. I'm stressing about wearing out our welcome. Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

I mean, we've done everything as quick as we could apart from the fact we went out the back after the normal episode and just fucked around with little and little. Nearly an hour. Fuck. Fuck. Well, thanks, Anya. Fuck. Thanks, Anya.

Let us know. Let us know if you've just made up a name for this, because you don't seem to exist on the internet. Maybe if we're going to have to race through this name read, maybe what we can do is, next Patreon episode we do, we give these people the do-over, right? Because they're all on Patreon, so they'll hear it hear we do one direct into their ears yeah okay i can't wait till in the future we get to that point and then go why the fuck did we do this we've already but we used

all of our good gear all the best stuff yeah it wouldn't be like us to repeat the same joke again and again and again yeah uh all right well, thanks, Daniel. I'm intrigued. I'm genuinely intrigued. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Alexander Peter Morton. Oh. I don't think much of why they had to whack the Peter in there. Yeah. There's not too many Alexander Mortons that are subscribing that you could get mixed up with. I had a pretty great moment during the week where, so my mum's name on her birth certificate

is Elizabeth Jane, but she's always just gone by Jane. Her parents just named her that and then called her Jane. They wanted her to be called Jane. They wanted the Elizabeth in there. They thought Elizabeth Jane sounded better than Jane Elizabeth. She was complaining to me about this going, I fucking hate it. I hate that all my legal documents are Elizabeth. I never go by Elizabeth. I do like the idea that your mum about this going, I fucking hate it. I hate that all my legal documents are Elizabeth. I never go to Elizabeth.

I do like the idea that your mum said to you, I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it. I could not imagine your mum saying that. Makes me so angry being referred to as Elizabeth Jane. And then I, so my parents have always shared an email account and in the last little while, and I reckon this would be common for a lot of people of their age, they've had to split off and get a second one because of getting the Service Victoria app,

getting the Medicare and the MyGov accounts linked. You can't, you know, if you try and put an existing email address into there, it like won't let you. So now mom has her own email account that dad has set up for her and then dad, for some reason, emailed me from that account the other day about plans for mum's birthday.

So I'm getting plans about a birthday from an account. But he's clearly helped her make the account. And he's named it Elizabeth. So it's like mum's just told me how she hates having to be referred to as Elizabeth. And then dad's gone, oh, I'm going to help you make this account. She obviously didn't bring it up to your dad, though, did she? Your dad didn't know all this time. But it's like, what are you fucking emailing me from your wife's account?

I was like, it took me ages to read it. I hope it's not. It's not a surprise birthday, is it? No, but it's like he's trying to, not organise it without her knowing, but he's like, I think he wants to plan it with me and then come to her and go, hey, next Sunday we'll do this or whatever. Yeah.

But it's like an email from my mum. And she doesn't turn up to the party and then your dad goes, you knew about it, didn't you check your own scent folder? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like I get an email address from my mum, subject line, mum's birthday. Yeah.

Like already I'm like, not the weirdest thing in the world, but all right, a bit weird. A little bit weird. And then all the rest of it is just like, so mum's birthday is coming up. So I was fucking your mum. I'm like, what is going on in this email? This is a fucking disaster. Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ. It is a weird way of doing business. Yeah. But Alexander Peter Morton, Mordo. APM. Oh, APM. God, yuck. There was a guy I went to school with Mordo. APM. Oh, APM. God, yuck. There was a guy I went to school with that we called APG.

And he lived in, I think he lived, it was fun. I found it very funny at the time. I was in year 11, I think. And I found it very funny because he moved to town and he was a very big fat guy. And he lived in the smallest house I could see in Mirabar. Very good. He was very funny. So in your image, he's just like, he lived in the smallest house I could see in Mirabar. I was like, he's very funny. So in your image,

he's just like, he's touching the side. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's great. That's great. Little house for a big fat man.

Um, and he was, I was, it was funny because I do, I distinctly remember two things about him that, and the fact that one day me and someone else was drawing pictures of him on the sly and going, look at this fucking idiot. And then I don't know how this happened, but then either we went over there to sort of,

I don't know, hang shit on him or say something. We wouldn't have been that bold. We would have been like drawing pictures in the sly and then gone over. And then we realized he was doing the exact same thing to us, but better like just doing these really insulting drawings of us yeah fuck yeah the king i like this guy what a hero yeah well thanks apm yeah i hope you're still stuck in your house you fat cunt um not you are you're gonna be the more morton be the other guy um thank you very much to the second last one of this week let's let's just i'll call it now uh thank you very much to the second last one of this week. Let's just, I'll call it now. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, God, what a name, Brett Sunox.

Brett Sunox. N-U-S-U-N-N-U-K, fuck, I can't even spell it. S-U-N-N-U-C-K-S. Sunox. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sunox.

Sunox. What the fuck is going on there? That is a strange one. That's a very strange one. That is a strange one. I like the, you know, the sign at the start. Makes me feel good. Makes me think summer's coming up.

Same thing with Brett. I hear Brett. I hear Brett. Yeah. I think the sun's coming up. Brett Sonics. Again. Oh, no.

Brent. Brent Sonics. Oh, Brent. Wow. Did I say Brent? Sorry. You said Brent. Sorry, Brett. No, Brent. Brent Sonics, again. Oh, no, Brent. Brent Sonics. Oh, Brent. Did I say Brent? Sorry. You said Brent. Sorry, Brent.

No, Brent. Brent Sonics. It's no Clifton Bagerman. I'll give it that. Yeah. The best name I'm going to hear this week. Brent, are you from America? Because that's the only person that's coming up on Google.

Brent Sonics. He looks like a very smart young man. This has got to be the only Brent Sunnix in the entire world. I'm pretty sure. Are you an associate attorney, Brent? You must be. There couldn't be more than one Brent Sunnix. I love the idea of this guy listening to this tomorrow.

Just hold off the presses. These questions you're posing him like, Yes! Yes, I am. But this, I'm just blown away that even one person can be called Brent Sunnix and I'm just waiting to find out that there's actually two of them and it's just some other fucking idiot that lives in Heathcote. That was the experience I had with Clifton Bagerman.

I looked him up. There's a few of them. You wouldn't believe it. It's him. It's him. It's him. I swear him. It's him. I swear it's him. Brent Sonics.

Brent Sonics. What have you got for us? Yeah, he's from Florida. Okay. We've got a low Vax rate down there. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Brent, let us know. Have you got the Vax?

Yeah. Where are you going to retire to? Just to your own house when you get old? Next door. Yeah. To the granny flat. To the granny flat. To the granny flat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a fucking odd name. Big Brent. Saint, what I love is he's from St. Petersburg, Florida. Okay. Just Florida going, we need to be a bit more international here instead of this fucking bit of a shithole. Just name ourselves after a fucking Russian town. You think Florida's a shithole?

Well, isn't it? Isn't it full of dickheads, though? I think that's the thing. It's, well, yeah, it's nice, though. It's like on the beach. Like, it's nice climate, it's a beach.

People love it there, but it's just, for whatever reason, it's full of cunts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As is my understanding. Yes. Maybe some international listeners

can let us know a bit more. One great man, obviously, but, yeah. Brent Sonnix. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course, yeah. I think most people, maybe prior to the pandemic, it had a better reputation, but like it having, I don't know.

Didn't OJ live there for quite a while when he got out? Didn't he live there? Well, it's the retirement city, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's been its big thing for a while, which probably leads to its reputation as being politically a bit fucked. Is that where Kid Rock was from or something like that or not? Yeah, maybe. Anyone that's not retired, I feel like it's all... Is that where Kid Rock was from or something like that or not? Yeah, maybe. Anyone that's not retired, I feel like it's an odd thing to do.

Place to choose to move to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think that's what it's... Is that what it is? It's like the Queensland of America where it's like, if you're going to retire, why would you retire somewhere cold? Well, it's Miami, which is like, you know, party city. And then it's Orlando, which is Disney World, baby.

Yeah, right. Well, Brent, maybe Brent... I mean, look, it does say Brent... Maybe Brent works at Disney World. Maybe he's dressing up like Mickey. It says he's attorney at law, so maybe he's the attorney at law at Disneyland. Yes.

All those people that die on the roller coasters. He makes sure they get legally declared dead out in the parking lot. He's the one that defends Disney from all the people that sue them for saying, I really am tall enough to ride this roller coaster. Right, right, right. You just, I was cold that day. I shrank. I had full body shrinkage that day.

I shrank outside. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, and he's, and it's the easiest job in the world every week. And he defends Disney by going, you couldn't have shrinkage. It's fucking hot in Florida. Yeah, exactly. Case dismissed. Boom, he's done it again.

Boom, another million for big Brent. Sonics has done it again. Sonics. Sonics attorney at law. Sonics. Sonics. Well, thank you. Thank you, Brent.

Thanks, Brent. Sonics, the hedgehog. Thanks. Oh, there we go. Very nice. That's good. Sonics, the hedgehog. Thanks. Oh, there we go. Very nice. That's good. Sonics, the hedgehog. Okay.

Well, we're really – this is the live podcasting equivalent of getting the crook from side of stage and getting tossed out. We're lucky to be here and we're overstaying our welcomes. It was a confusing message because it was like, we're closing and I was like, do we have to finish now? He's like, no. But I think they just want to leave. I think that was a confusing message because it was like we're closing and I was like do we have to finish like now? He's like nah. But I think like

they just want to leave. But one final plug the catfish. Catfish. Gertrude Street. Good for them. Fitzroy. Go check them out.

Great food. Great beers. Love the joint. Yep. One more name. Yeah. One more name. Alright.

Okay. Thank you very much too. Final one for this week. Wow. What do you know?. Final one for this week. Wow. What do you know? It's just like a bus. You wait forever for one and two come at once. Sonics comedy.

Oh, great. Thanks, everyone. We'll see you next time back at the house. Bye. Bye.