The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 580 - Greg Larsen & Ben Russell

Episode Date: November 10, 2021

This week we're getting loose with two of our favourite grubs, GREG LARSEN and BEN RUSSELL! It's a wild ride as we discuss crypto, cook up a new Batman villain, and discuss the best way to store bodily fluids. Plus, there's more strange goings-on in Chandler's apartment building, Tommy's cooked up a new game by prowling through his local newsagency, and we delve into the previous employment history of young Greg Larsen and, shockingly, it's porno-based! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Greg Larson and Ben Russell. We are fast approaching the 500th episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club, January 15th. It's a Saturday night in Melbourne, scant few tickets left. The year 2022 that is, Tommy. Yes. Of course. We're not fast approaching January 15, 2021. Yeah, well, I mean, it is confusing.

I mean, this show has had three years attached to it. It very much 2021. Yeah. Well, I mean, it is confusing. I mean, this show has had three years attached to it. It very much has. Yeah. How many different dates have we tried? Four, five? No, I think this might be three or four, I think. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. But as you said, it is fast approaching. It's only, as this episode comes out, it's only about two months away. So there is a few tickets left. Get onto that. We'd love to see you down there. We want to fill the Athenaeum in Melbourne on January 15th, Saturday night.

There'll be an after party. I guess we're going to bring back our idea of the after party. We can talk more about that later. But also, I believe we can talk about a new date for Brisbane. Yeah. Maybe as well at the end of it. Maybe we can talk about that in Talking Dumb Dumb. Yeah, sure.

All right. littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets. Until then, enjoy this new episode with Greg Larson and Ben Russell. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Daslow. With me, as always, the other half of the program

Carl Chandler. Oh, good day Dickhead. Joining us today we have two very special guests. Please welcome into the Little Dum Dum Club Ben Russell and Greg Larson. Hello.

Hello. Darlings of Melbourne comedy. Yeah. We are the two darlings. There's only two and we are... It's true. Yeah.

Yeah. It's absolutely true.'s absolutely true Double darling Double darling DD Double D's right here Yeah You guys do a sketch show We do chat

We're a bit tapped out at the moment So go Just give us a 55 minute Neff We'll give you two props Neff Stop this We'll give you two props

And then you do whatever you want with them This new armour It's pink No No No inside joke It's time To introduce it

To the dum-dum verse Before we started recording But maybe it is time It is It could be the new narrowing The new narrowing Is Nerf softness it is

yeah ask us online ask us privately 2022 will be all about Nerf softness I'm telling you right yeah

this is the trend get on it now people don't miss out don't look foolish in front of your friends buy our big buy our big

in Nerf Softness. It's a new cryptocurrency that we're launching. You could probably turn that into bloody NFT. Yeah. That video. I feel people switching over to the other channel. No, they're intrigued. They want to be part of the club.

Yeah, we've whet their appetite. I met someone the other night who mentioned, like a friend's new boyfriend, and they were talking about this podcast that their friend does. And I very quickly worked out that it was Guy Montgomery's podcast that they were talking about. So then because this is like a friend's new partner, I felt like I should go to Guy and be like, hey, do you know this guy? What's the vibe on him?

And I mentioned, I kind of give some details guy has no idea who i'm talking about and i was like i really hope this is like classic podcast listener where it's just like i listen to this guy every week yeah he's my friend yeah yeah a little parasocial relationship yeah what about this i um i there's a podcast listener of this show that's moved into my apartment building. There was already at least one in there before. There was. I believe there used to be two that lived together. What's going on with this building?

I know. I thought that was really weird. And then they gave me... They were at a live show once and then they came up to me like, we live next door to you. Let's fucking get an Uber home this is going to be awesome it's like

sick yeah I guess getting a ride home is pretty cool you obviously don't listen to the pod very much yeah

so that was that and then and then I was like fuck how come I never saw them again and it was like I think they sort of basically moved out

like the next week that was their last hurrah just giving me a ride home in an Uber yeah wow they've clocked the building yeah so they never saw me again so then um a couple weeks ago this uh uh i was i don't know what i was doing but it was on insta someone just messaged oh yeah that's right i think i put up a picture and it was one of those things where it was like it's a selfie with like about three inches of background behind me and this guy messaged him went i think i live in the same building as you i'm like how the fuck did you get that out of like the brickwork of honestly about

three inches behind me yeah and i'm like bullshit and he goes is it this address i'm like it absolutely is wow you've absolutely got it and what number is he in the building? Like, how close to you is he in the building? Well, quite close, because then he's like, oh, I think this is like 10 o'clock at night or something. And we're still in lockdown. He's like, let's go into the lobby and get pissed. Let's go and have some beers. And I'm like, I've just taken two Valium,

so I think I'll just actually step this one out. Fucking hell. I keep seeing him after that and the thing is I'm like oh yeah cool but I'm like it's sort of weird

to have someone that's like into the pod like you know that you're going to see all the time let alone in your life yes yes yes yeah yeah exactly

because also I'm a little bit you know like a little bit on the down low with like my wife and my kid and all that sort of stuff and now there's someone that's just fucking looking

through the letterbox and whatever going no no fuck there they all are yeah but um not that he's like that but but i was like all right you got to juggle this relationship now this might be a bit weird or whatever but now i'm like hang on a minute fuck this i just i saw him and he's like oh yeah that's where i live he lives in like the fucking best apartment in our in our block really yeah the one on the right down the end and the view of everywhere. The one the furthest away from you. No, not quite. Huge fucking balcony.

Really fucking sick ass. The penthouse. Yeah, the penthouse one. I hope he's a fucking Patreon then. No, yeah, he is. Because I was sort of like, oh, yeah, this guy's a fan. And all of a sudden I'm like, like fuck I'm a fan of his now he's got the fucking

sickest house in the whole fucking block you might even say that he's your sugar daddy well yes also now

I was a bit like I might stay away from this guy now I'm like if you're listening dude invite me over I want to fucking get in this house

yeah I'll tell you my wife's name I'll tell you my kids name I'll bring them over see them both yeah you can bake your shit in both. Bring some of the

Valiums over for you. That was a very subtle little line in that story where you're like, I couldn't meet up with him because I was off my head on the valleys anyway. He's got a really serious drug problem. What do you think he does? I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, if he listens to the Dum Dum Club, you know what I think he does? I don't know. I don't know. But... I mean, if he listens to the Dum Dum Club, you know what I think he does? He fucks. Yes. He's a cum dealer. A very rare cum dealer. Because he's got the most expensive place in the whole building. Yeah, you'd be amazed what cum goes for.

Yeah. On the street. Is that the new Bitcoin? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's ebbing and flowing and it's absolutely flowing. The cum is flowing right now. Very little ebbing.

It doesn't ebb and flow, it flows and coagulates. The market's coagulating. I've invested big. I'm broke. I drank all my cum coin. Let's all try And get our cum Going as a

As a crypto And see if it can go Highest on the stock market Or whatever the crypto Equivalent is That's a great idea It's probably The only good idea

You've ever had Thank you Do you guys own any Do you guys have any crypto Ben Russell strikes me As a guy who'd be No, I don't. No, I don't really fuck with that shit.

I am, no, I'm not good with money. It's all, like, the stock market's already kind of fake, but crypto is, like, the most fake of all. It's not anything. Get ready for some fucking nerds to go, actually, Greg, I think you'll find it. And they can go get fucked. It's not anything fucked it's not anything

it's not anything it's you're just putting it's a basically a pyramid scheme that like yeah and people say no well it's actually

going to be used as legal tender no it isn't it's never going to be a currency right no one's ever going to actually

use crypto sounds like someone doesn't believe in decentralizing the banks it's never going to happen grow up cunt alright we get it

you want to suck off the dolomites alright we get it you're into big bang there's going to be. Grow up, cunt. Alright, we get it. You want to suck off the dolomites, alright? We get it. You're into big banks. There's going to be a loud knock on Carl's apartment door after this one. How do you think I afford this great apartment? It's in Dogecoin. We have a friend,

a guy that we all know, I don't know if you know this, Greg, who he bought big into crypto years and years and years ago when it was pretty much just exclusively used to buy drugs on the Silk Road. And he did it as an experiment to just like, this is when it was basically like one for one, dollar for dollar.

And he did this experiment to get drugs in the mail. And then he just, you know, he just did it once as like a, you know, just to see what it was like to get drugs in the mail. And then just sort of never touched the crypto again. And then, you know, cut to... What's it like to get drugs in the mail rather than just from someone? Well, it was just like, as an experiment, it's like, this makes it easier. I hear that it's quite fun, but I have poor drugs.

It's for the lower classes. Yeah, that's right. I would never touch them. Intelligentsia like classes Yeah that's right I would never touch them Not the intelligentsia like me That's right But then cut to like Years and years and years later He forgets that he's just got this Like little reserve of crypto

Like some leftover from that And then it's like taken off And he had a little Nice little Nest egg Nice little nest egg He would have a lot yeah What sort of nest egg?

Like how big? I think it You know when it first like early early on you're allowed to say the number because you haven't named the guy so like I can't remember the number

but I just remember him literally forgetting that he had it and then being like all of a sudden it's in the news it's like this bitcoin is going crazy

it's gone so crazy it could be worth like he could be sitting on like two mil it wasn't quite that not quite two mil it was like one mil

I'd love to sit on one mil. Is that how you measure the cum coin as well? One mil? Yeah, two mil. One million dollars per milliliter. Yeah, a mil for a mil. It's the new people that are into fucking Bitcoin are the new cunts that fucking have cars as their profile picture.

Because whenever someone on social media goes, whenever someone on social media says something fucked, you look them up and it's like, they're really into Bitcoin. Yeah, okay. This is sort of unrelated, but I got to bring this up now before I forget. Tell me how fucking wild this is as an idea.

Well, not as an idea, like someone the other day was driving a red convertible sports car. I don't know what car. A sports car. Yeah. And a very expensive one. And the license plate, personalized license plate. I don't know if I'm identifying someone, but I have to say it.

You're boxing naughty in this story. Yeah, the personalized license plate said Fiddler. Yeah. Okay. What the fuck? F-I-D-D-L-R? Yeah, it was like F-I-D-D-L-E-R or L-R. That's one of Batman's nemesis.

The Fiddler. The Fiddler. How's it going? I'm the Fiddler. How's it going, Batman? Bruce Wayne. Let me touch you. No riddles.

No riddles. I said fiddles. Bruce Wayne wakes up and he's just been jerked off. I know who's done this. This is the work of a fiddler. Or he just wakes up and feels ashamed. Oh, I'm sorry. No, man, there's something in that, dude.

There's two regrets from my childhood, parents dying and the other incident. The one and the other one. That created the fiddler. It was mostly the parents dying, I guess. So it must be, it's either a surname or they play the fiddle. They're a professional fiddle player. But this led me to then say to my partner, I was saying, oh, I'm going to mock up a poster

because it gave me an idea for a joke, a visual joke. But no one down here knows. Does anyone here know Dennis Ferguson? No. Queensland's most famous pedophile. And he was a famous pedophile. You guys got a weird top ten list. Yeah, oh man.

He was so famous. You guys got a weird TMZ franchise up there. Here's your top ten. Queensland. You were recently on Instagram doing two weeks of hotel quarantine in Queensland. Yes.

Is that why you did that? So that you could go up and do a tour with this poster of Dennis Ferguson as the fiddler? I was going to know. It was going to be fiddler on the roof. Like, I was going to have Dennis Ferguson. Because he has a really iconic throat. Because he looks like a pedophile.

All pedophiles look like pedophiles. That's why I think you're a pedophile. There's a case to be made of visuals alone. All four men in this room Been pedophiles We all look like Different strains of pedophiles Different brands Different genres

Delta variant Pedophile Different Different pedocoins I remember when Fergo died It was Because he died Oh now you've got to deal with him Wow He spoke at his funeral Oh we all remember when Fergo died, it was because he died.

Oh, now you've got to deal with him. He spoke at his funeral. Pull one out for Fergo. Me and Henry, we

always used to say Fergo for gold. That was our little catchphrase. I was performing comedy at Woodford Folk Festival and it was 6am.

I woke up because it was so hot because I was in the tent and then I was in the toilet doing my business, looking on my phone. What were you doing? Doing a big shit. And then I just saw Dennis Ferguson dead. And I'm just as quick as I can, pulling my pants up, running through Woodford in the tent area going,

Fergo's dead! It's like when Charlie got the golden ticket. Is this your Princess Diana moment? Yeah, this is my Princess Diana moment. Where were you when Fergo died? I remember where we were. Hanging a big shit. Hang on.

Now, was Fergo, was he a pre-existing famous person who then was added as a pedophile? He was just a regular dude and then he became famous for being a pedophile. He was 40s. It was back in regular dude. He was a famous pedophile. He was famous for being a pedophile. He was 40 years old. It was back in the day when you could get famous for that. He was released. He was released and everyone was like, oh, no. He wasn't one of these YouTube pedophiles. No, no, no.

He was a real pedophile. But he was released and they'd always be doing news stories. He'd be spotted in places. They'd be like, oh, Fergo's out in the parks. I didn't hear that and I choose not to so he went away yeah he went to prison

for being a pedo and then he came out and everyone was upset that he was out and then he was around all the time and he would give you so much gold

because they'd film him and he'd go and he'd like lick his lips and stuff right so wait he's doing the circuit yeah he was doing the circuit he's doing media circuit. Yeah, he was doing the circuit. He's doing media appearances.

Yeah, cool. Okay. But he's dead now, so, you know. I reckon Heath Franklin should transition from doing Chopper to doing Fergo. Doing live tours in Fergo. Heath Franklin's Fergo. Heath Franklin's Fergo.

It just has to be Southeast Queensland. Like, it's just RSLs in Southeast Queensland. But in that market market you're killing and like Chopper people rocking up going oh this isn't the real Fergo yeah he's dead you idiot like Chopper

yeah what about this getting back to the neighbour I um right yeah this is also something that happened in my street

last week I was no what when we were in the last bit of lockdown so street last week. I was... No, when we were in... The last bit of lockdown, so two weeks ago or so. So I went for a run, walking back, walked down my street and I could hear a bit of a kerfuffle down that end, down the end of where this bloke lives.

Where the big daddy warbucks is living. Where Hugh Hefner himself lives. The grotto section of your building. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I haven't heard that word in a while. The grotto. Not that people call things grotto. I really want to set up a grotto in this house somewhere.

I've been thinking about it a lot in the last few weeks. What if the grotto's like a pool with running water? Does it even need to be a pool? I think a grotto can be a state of mind. Oh, right. It's a secluded area. I'm in the grotto right now. That's what I've always thought of it as.

I thought it was like a location, like a sort of a forest grotto. You just said grotto. Grotto. A grotto could be like a forest grotto. Yeah. Grotto. The more we say grotto, the more it sounds real funny. Grotto.

What if you looked up grotto and it says sort of like a grotto? It doesn't really explain it. It sounds like Queensland's second most famous pedophile. Hugo and grotto. Big grotto grongerson. So that makes more sense, Heath Franklin's grotto. Heath Franklin's grotto. We don't have a very big backyard here,

but I could set up a little secluded grotto out the back in the corner. Love a grotto. Love a grotto. Heath Franklin's grotto. We don't have a very big backyard here but I could set up a little secluded grotto out the back in the corner. Love a grotto. Love a grotto. Love a grotto. This is where all

the grotto bunnies are down there. Yes. So down there and I was walking down there and I heard this big kerfuffle from

coming down there. This is like nine o'clock or ten o'clock or something at night and there's like a bit of a yelling match sort of thing happening and then you just then the wheels of this car just sort of start spinning

and this guy just takes off and he's like yeah he could get fucked and just takes off and i'm like oh what all this is about so i'm like this is past my house i'm like okay i'm gonna go back down and find out try and figure out what are all this is about? So I'm like, this is past my house. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to go back down and find out, try and figure out what was going on. And then there's this woman from the balcony yelling, did you get his number plates? And I was like, oh, no, sorry. No, I didn't.

What happened? And she's like, you know what he was doing? I'm like, no. And she points down. He was taking stuff out of the bin okay and i looked down and it's like bin night so there's 30 bins out there so what had happened was i'm like what do you mean took stuff out of the bin oh he was just like taking stuff out of the bin you mean rubbish you mean the stuff that no one wants what night of the week is bin

night at your house? I don't know. I don't take it out. Fuck yeah. I reckon if you put it in the bin. Yeah. It's not stealing anymore. Yeah.

Yeah. It's public domain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then he's taken off. So she's like, you got any number? I'm like, imagine getting the number plate of someone to what, report to the cops?

Just every car you see just in case. Yeah. Just walking down the street. But also you take it and go, how's this a police report? They were taking something out of the bin. Also, the guy's car, then when I realised, oh, fucking, okay, this is a bit weird. The guy's car was like a black Audi. He was in a very expensive car

and he was stealing out of our bins. That's when you do, like hard rubbish, I swear to God. It wasn't hard rubbish. No, but I know, but what I'm saying is when you put hard rubbish out,

when I put hard rubbish out, I'm not ever seeing anybody, like when I put hard rubbish out, it's fucking Mercedes S-classes pulling up, picking through it. No, you're absolutely right. That's how they can afford the Mercedes S-class. That's why they got one. They want to squeeze a door out of everything.

Their house still looks like a share house. My dad came around for a walk during the lockdown and it happened to be hard rubbish here, and he went into fucking overdrive. I think he redecorated the whole house, just took a heater from out the side of one house. See, that's onerive. I think he redecorated the whole house just to like... With rubbish. He took a heater from out the side of one house. See, that's one thing.

I get it. If you still had rubbish because of these big bits. He was going through the recycle bin. He was getting fucking... You know what they're doing though? No cunts. Going into the bin either crazy

or identity theft. That's why you got one of them... You either Cross out Your name And shit on Yeah yeah A shredder You got shredders

Or you got stamps To stamp out shit See for me I'm just like Fucking please Take it Good luck with my Fucking six grand

Commonwealth bank debt You can have it You can become me I'll become another dude I won't give a fuck That would be good If you When you get your identity stolen

If you can go to The bank or wherever It's happened Yeah And you just You can just opt out And they've just got A bunch of other identities there

Just ready to give off Oh But what happens You know what I'm not contesting this He can have it Just give me a new ID and you'll never

hear from me again okay so what happens like in America yeah I think you can go to debtor's prison but like here can you actually go to prison

are there any actual consequences yeah you can be declared bankrupt yeah but what happens it has to be a debt a minimum of 10 grand you working up I've looked this up yeah yeah happens to... It has to be a minimum of 10 grand. Are you working up?

I've looked this up. Yeah, yeah. It's come up before. It's a 10 grand minimum. It used to be five. It's been raised to 10. It's a shame. And they can declare you bankrupt.

And if you get declared bankrupt, it means they can seize assets. They can... What if you've got no assets? If you've got no assets, you've basically got no worries. No, no. But no, I mean,

the only thing is like there are certain rules like they can garnish salaries they can potentially buy you from travelling overseas

for a period of time can they seize cum coin yeah if you've got cum coin they'll take it they want it more than

there's nothing to go on what's more than getting their hands on your cum yeah that's like when people get like you know caught with drugs

and the cops coming in and they flush it down the toilet. You're just desperately drinking your own cum coin. Why are you drinking it? You can flush it down the toilet. No, no, no. I'm not letting this cum go to waste. It's like you get it out of my stool later on. You're starving kids in India.

If I put anything out in front of this apartment building, someone's going to fish it out of the sink. I've got to drink it. That's the only way to keep it safe. And then you pour through your own

shit like a couple of days later to find the cum coin. Yes. Do you guys ever see the cum box? No. There's a famous

internet legend the cum box. You know how we couldn't even answer no? We were so shocked by the question that we just went

into absolute silence. I don't know if I'll do it just a bit. It was someone that posted on Reddit years ago. Are you talking about your mum's pussy? Fucking hell. I like how that took you a minute to come up with. Well, I thought about is that appropriate

to say. And then I said yes. You know what that is? That's Nerf Softness. That is Nerf Softness. AKA the funniest thing that exists. Sorry, Greg. Your mum's actually really nice. I don't need to talk about it anymore.

No, no, no. Talk about the... Go with your little story. Tell us about the cum box, Greg. We all really want to hear your story. A guy made a post. People were saying, oh, what's the weirdest thing you do, do right There's one of those Ask Reddit threads

And then someone goes Oh I have a cum box And then everyone else is going Okay well You're going to have to follow up on this one And he goes Oh I've basically got a shoe box And for the last 10 years

Every time I cum I make sure I cum inside the cum box And they're like We've got to see photos of this. And he's like, yeah. Crazy that he would think to say that without thinking. They're going to want visual proof. So he uploads the photos and everyone's like,

why is it all like half black? And he goes, I tried to set it on fire. But it wouldn't really burn because it was so soggy. And he's like, it really stinks. Screaming. You know what? Weirdly enough, someone was telling me about this in the last week. And it seems insane.

It seems like you are the only person that I would know that would bring this up. But someone was telling me about the cum box. That's cool. Inside of the last seven days. That's freaking cool. This has been the worst week of my life. Look it up. Look it up.

Daddy, no. What headspace are you in where you have a shoebox full of cum, but then you go, I'm going to set it on fire? Just a curious mind. Will it set on fire? Is it flammable? Is it that or is it I've got to dispose of this? I can't go on.

I've got to sacrifice it. It's exactly what we're talking about. It's identity theft. It's shredding documents. It's blacking out your name about. It's identity theft. It's shredding documents. It's blacking out your name. So it's like, I've got to set the cum on fire. Otherwise, in the future, they could recreate me like Jurassic Park.

And then I'll have to pay this debt off. Some shifty woman could come in here and use this, and I could have 10,000 kids. Squat on the box. So what you can infer from this is that cum is fire retardant. Yeah. You could put...

Why don't they give the fireys cum next bushfire season? You're in an apartment building. You're up really high. You can't get to the fire escape because the flames have taken over the doorway. You just start trying to bat off onto yourself. No, no, no. You do this. You save up in the

shoe boxes or whatever whatever your vessel of choice is and then you give it to the fire department and they you shoot it through the hose yeah it's like with wings and yeah yeah oil slicks yeah yeah what would you um what would you choose to uh store it in what would be a receptacle of choice i live in you know sort of the north so i'd probably use like a cute little mason jar or something you know so i can keep an eye on it and keep cup too yeah yeah well i poke holes in the top though so make sure i can breathe you don't you come dying on you no you don't want to suffocate the cum i just want i just want to like a like a pint glass and i'd like because to me it'd be like i want to suffocate the cum. I just want like a pint glass. Because to me it'd be like,

I want to see how long it takes to fill up the pint glass. Oh, yeah. How long do you reckon? Like a fundraiser, you can have little notches on the side of the glass. Being honest with yourself, how long do you think it would take you to fill up that pint glass? Well, I already know because I've looked up

how much cum is in the average ejaculate. Okay. How much? It's not very much. I can't actually remember. I think it's like a few mil. Okay. So a pint is 500.

A few million? A few mil. A pint is 500 mil. Right. So you're looking at like... So a week for you. Yeah, like a full afternoon. Depends on how hungover or if he's coming down.

It depends when offices are going back because once the partner's out of the house for a day, then I can get down to brass tassels. I can really get to work on filling this pint glass full of cum for my studies. With the mountain goat logo on the side of it. Really beautiful. And halfway through the experiment,

of course, you get to realise whether you're an optimist or a pessimist. Yes. I'd like to just get a standard plastic takeaway container and the way I would do it was the night before I'm planning on starting this, I order just a nice big bite of chicken. I'm treating myself to a big meal,

just looking at the container that it's in and going, tomorrow everything changes. My life has a whole new purpose when I wake up tomorrow morning. I'm going to rinse the sauce out of this and then get down to business. And then once you're finished, you can do a little prank and you could fill it, put it in the bag, deliver it to a friend and go, did you order cream of Samyang gum? Oh, yes.

That's good. That's good. I'm going to be like, that joke, this is the only time that works. You've done the work. You've done the work. I've got to be totally honest here and say, like, if my partner and I ever did break up for any reason, like, I want you to know that I will be doing this.

I will say that I wasn't and that it was a gag, but I will be. And then I'd come over and there'd just be this pint glass full of cum. No one will ever see it. I'll never say that I did, but you'll know that I did do it. Breaking up because she knows you're planning to do this.

Yeah. Or because you start doing it early, you can't wait for the breakup. Or is this you just emotional blackmail for your partner? If you ever break up with me, I'll do it. I'll fill a pint glass full of cum. Greggy, no! Just holding the pint glass.

Why are you keeping a pint glass next to the bed when we make love? Just in case. Just when you ever leave me. How come when we moved to Sydney for a while, all of a sudden there was come inside a schooner instead? Like, why is that? That's great.

Well, that's going to get that done a lot quicker. That's great. Go to Perth and you'll have to come inside a midi. Yeah. Well, that really, you would get that done pretty quickly. Because it's a smaller glass. Relatively. That's why.

That's the go-to. That makes sense. So this woman just wants you to call the cops on a guy who's looking through the bin. Yeah. You never found out what he was fishing out of there. I was like, I just said, what did he take? And she's like, I don't know. It's dark.

I'm like, well, what's the, it's just rubbish, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, but he was like fishing around for ages i have to say though we have the bins like right out the front of my bedroom window yeah and if i was woken up by the sound of someone ferreting around in there and then running off even though it is just rubbish part of me would go what the fuck's happening i would get sure i would get paranoid i'd be like get the fuck back here and put that shit back in but would you call the cops on someone stealing your fucking empty six pack of beer probably not no i wouldn't call the cops i've

got to bring my bins in quite early like or else someone will put shit in my bins. Oh, yeah. I just shoot them. Shoot them all. Scum. Citizens arrest. This is a citizens arrest. They just put shit in my bin and then I'll go out there and it's full of shit

and I'm like, you son of a bitch. I know you're watching this. And I'm like, get out of here. Show yourself. Like filling the bin right up? No, like half up.

But I can't afford that space. It's valuable real estate. I'm not a trash man. Especially in lockdown, you're drinking a lot of cans of beer. You're buying a lot of packages online. That recycling bin, that is done within about a day of being in. And we only do a fortnight for paper recycling. And then the off week is bloody bottles and you're

not using that many bottles yeah and i like whenever i eat something i like to like take like one or two bites and i'm like it's not fresh anymore and then get a new version i hate myself so much once my lips have been on it i don't want it anymore It's disgusting Throw this shit out And make me a new one It's not uncommon To go to your house And see a pile of Half eaten Maxabons Absolutely

I only like the biscuit side Only the biscuit side Fuck that hard chocolate bullshit The biscuit side is what it's all about The other side You know what the best thing About the other side is It really gets you pumped up for the biscuit side.

Yeah, yeah. You're just dreamy getting fucking... It just gives you some perspective. Shooting out pre-cum. What about this great game? I don't even know what that means. Well, pre-cum is the stuff that shoots out. It's clearer.

It still can get you pregnant, though. That's a little bit of a nose. Making the chocolate side of a... It's like a little support act. Have you got a different pint glass for the pre-cum to like normal cum?

Is there? Oh yeah, there's like a pre-cum. There's a pre-cum, but it's more, that's a schooner. Pre-cum schooner. Yeah, yeah.

Post-cum. Post-cum pint. Okay, so you've got to, you've got to squirt the pre-cum out into a schooner and then quickly. That's the problem. No one has. Like you're filling up two pint glasses. No one's, no one's, So you've got to squirt the pre-cum out into a schooner and then quickly...

That's the problem. Like you're filling up two pineblossoms. No one's pre-cum game is that tight. They can just have a quick... Speak for yourself, mate. Some people out there listening, if this is your fav ep of the year so far, take a good hard look at yourself.

I'm not saying it's not good. We're having a great time. This is great. Look, I'll stand by it There's a lot of people Who are not going to be into this But if you can Just pass it on to people

That you think might be into it I think it's like Being in the top ten Is reasonable But your number one of the year Has been Almost exclusively Come and pre-come

That's concerning Appreciate it But that's troubling Yeah Sorry I cut you off Greg Greg Yes

Whenever you're on I always think Fuck You're Appreciate it, but that's troubling. Sorry, I cut you off. Greg, Greg. Whenever you're on, I always think, fuck, I feel like your history growing up in Queensland, every time you'll accidentally let something slip out, I go, what the fuck was all this about? So what were your jobs when you were in Queensland? Out of school. I had a lot of different jobs.

First job, not that interesting. Well, actually, no, it was kind of interesting. First job was photo lab in Kmart. Right. That was my first job. Robin Williams. Exactly. Like a young Robin Williams.

It's going to end the same way, I can promise you that. Oh, I'm filling up A pint glass of cum Oh cum Hey watch out Oh now it's a different glass Oh now it's pre-cum Oh Hey It's pre-cum

It's got nothing to do With the photo lab Or his character Or his character In one of our photos Yeah I worked in a photo lab. I once worked and this is... Hang on, hang on.

But there must be some grotty photos you must have got. Oh, yeah. Like on literally the first day, one of the photos was just this like, yeah, just a photo of a man sitting on a chair, smiling, looking at the camera while a woman with the biggest titties i've ever seen just like draped her titties around his head but he was it didn't look like sex it would look like a kind of funny

thing like it was just like her just like laughing they were both laughing like oh this is a funny photo but the best one i got the best the best one i wish more than anything like there was heaps of porno that came through. But like that, you know, I kind of just got nervous about it and just quickly developed it and gave it back to the people. You still get nervous when you look at porno.

I still get really nervous. Yeah, because you're like, where's the point club? But the best one that I wish to God I had kept, because at the time I didn't realise how funny it would be in retrospect. Of course. I could have. I could have.

I could have easily made my own copies. Because you can just print them out and then say, oh, these ones had marks on them. I had to reprint them. Right, right, right. And that's up to me to just do. I easily could have made copies. You've got the power.

But this one was just a guy who had two 36-shot, so the biggest one, two 36-shot rolls of film. And all it was, it wasn't pornographic, it was just him. He was just a Queensland bloke with a mullet. But this was when mullets were absolutely not... There was no...

They were awful. They weren't like a hipster throwback. There was no irony. It was just someone that still hadn't gotten rid of their mullet. So he had a curly set of mullet just wearing stubbies, like the short shorts and like a T-shirt that was like too, you know when like men from Australia in the like 80s would wear shirts that were a bit too long and it made it look like their stubbies were undies? Yep.

And it was just him in his backyard posing doing like muscle poses and then just like crouching and staring at the camera and like just like literally just home model job photos that he'd clearly set the camera up on a timer 232 shot 236 shot rolls of just this man just nothing but photos of him looking back over his shoulder, like showing his ass in the stubbies. And then he just came and picked him up and he was just the most serious. He was like, yeah, how's it going?

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, cheers. And I definitely felt like he was sending them off to a dating agency or something. Yeah. A hundred percent. But they were very funny. So you wish you could go back in time

and get a copy? I wish I could get them. They were just great. So a lot of people say that if they could go back in time and get a copy I wish I could get them they were just great so a lot of people say that if they could go back you know they had a time machine

they'd kill baby Hitler or something but you would go back I'd go back get those photos then go back to baby Hitler give him the photos mellow him out a little

you know like let him see those photos and go you know what I love my fellow man there's beauty in the world. That'd be so angry. That's what he would paint

and people would be like, it's beautiful. Get into art school. Yeah, right. I got to say this too, because I'm sure I've talked about this maybe on this pod, maybe on another pod, I don't know. But I did, out of all the jobs I had,

the weirdest one I had was I worked for a porno company. And it was like a... I'm positive I haven't heard this. It was a live cam website, right? And here's what happened. I applied for an ad. This was in 2004. What's the address?

BigSexyGrey.com It was in Mary Street in Brisbane. And it was like I applied for this ad. I literally just said, you must be familiar with chat rooms like Yahoo and MSN and must be able to type like 30 words per minute or something. I can't remember. Easy stuff, yeah.

And that was all it said. And then I was like, oh, I'll apply for that job. And then they immediately just said, oh, come in for an interview. I went in. It was like this cool. In the ad, it didn't say anything about sex, did it? No, nothing. Nothing whatsoever.

It just said office job. And it was a literal physical ad of the newspaper. It almost said nothing. I was like, I can do this. Yeah. And I went in and it was like a funky, cool office. And I was like, oh man, this vibe's really cool here. And then the woman who was interviewing me was like, yeah, basically, it's a commission-only job.

So you've got the job if you want it. You've just got to go into chat rooms, pretend you're a young woman on our website, and get people to sign up to the website. And when they do, when they sign up using the link that you've provided, you'll get a commission. You'll get $25 every time you sign someone up. And I went, oh, okay. And she's like, you can come in whenever you'll get 25 every time you sign someone up and i went oh okay and she's like you can come in whenever you want you can just like you can drink at work we've got pinball machines oh wow you can get pissed while you're pretending to be a hot girl like and it's like it's open 24 hours so if you want to work at like midnight you can come in it makes sense yeah

this is what people talk about like the early days of google yeah it was fucking it was crazy it was wild shit and she even said she was really honest. She was like, oh, this business will definitely go bust eventually. She's like, because you can only sign so many people up before people start getting wind of it. And then they go, oh, it's all bullshit. So it's all like a bed of fucking sand here where there's no...

This is admittedly like a shonky business. There's nothing good from the business. No, no, no. They do sign up and actually talk to someone live on cam. Yeah, you got married to a couple of guys. But I pretend to be the person that they're theoretically going to talk to.

Right. Oh, you're the middleman. So the girls doing the cam stuff, they're too busy doing that to actually be doing the recruiting and signing people up. So they need fake people to get people in and stuff.

They need fake people to get people to come in. And I would go in there and then she goes, well, why don't you just try it out? Like, just get on there. And like the woman who was training me,

she's like, oh, you've got to be like really explicit. You've got to be really sexual. Oh, so you haven't got the job yet. You just pop onto the PC and just have a bit of a go at it. Yeah, yeah. And then she, like this guy, this guy in this chat room says, oh, do you want to view my webcam? really sexual oh so you haven't got the job yet you just pop onto the PC and just have a bit of a go at it yeah yeah

and then she like this guy this guy in this chat room says oh do you want to view my webcam and like and then she goes and I was like oh I don't want to view his webcam

she goes no always view his webcam trust me because it makes them hornier yeah they like it when you view their webcam so I pushed accept and he was jerking off

and at the moment that I pushed accept he like came all over off and at the moment that I pushed accept he like came all over his webcam like he sort of was holding it down oh my god and came all over

and my team leader she without missing a beat she just went oh no see he's already come so forget about him like

that's about like you're not going to get his money forget about it like move on like cut your losses industry trick yeah she was like if the guys come it's over of course But like, you're not going to get his money. Forget about it. Like, move on. Like, cut your losses. Industry trick. Yeah.

She was like, if the guys come, it's over. Of course. And then, yeah. And like, everyone was just... And then like, I signed someone up within the first five minutes. I do like the idea that you didn't know that trick and you're like still talking to a very white screen going, so did you want to sign up? Yeah.

What did you do today? Okay, Greg. This guy busting over just text before he's even had to start paying. He's gamed the system. Let's see if you've still got the magic. Try and make me horny. Try and make me horny, baby. Try and make us cum.

We don't end the episode until all three of the rest of the show. Hypothetically, let's say I'm a horny man. I'll literally roleplay exactly what I would have done. Oh, great. Back of the show. Let's hypothetically, let's say I'm a horny man. Okay? I'll literally role play exactly what I would have done. Oh, great. Back in the thing. Okay.

Using the tricks of the trade. Because you start out in a chat room, so there's multiple people. Okay. Like this. Yeah, like this. And I'm just like... Hey, do you like Star Wars? I love it. I've come.

I'm out. Forget about it. Hey, yeah, I love Star Wars too. I it. I've come. I'm out. Forget about it. Hey, yeah, I love Star Wars too. I am pretty fucking horny, guys. I've got to say, if anyone... I've actually got a cam going. If anyone wants to hit me up, tell me you're serious because I'm not fucking around with time wasters.

I'm serious, baby. Are you sure you're serious? Yeah, baby. So many guys come on here and they're not serious. You make me horny, baby. Yeah, I'm not serious. I've just filled a pint glass, so maybe next time. Well, I just don't want to know you're a time waster, you know.

I'm not going to wait. I've got to fill. Where are you from? I'm from Brisbane. Yeah, that's fucking hot, dude. Fuck, I am ready to come right now. No shit. Okay, this is actually fucked.

I'm rubbing my dick. Yeah, show me your webcam. I do love the idea of someone dirty talking and including the phrase, no shit. No shit. No shit. I like how many times you're saying,

again, you're trying to be a sexy woman, Greg, and you keep saying, no time wasters. Yeah. God, I get turned on by the phrase, no time kickers. Don't waste my time. I just want to see someone jerking off.

The absolute definition of not wasting time. No one's pulling their dick, are they? Well, the rubberneckers are really out of full force today. That was actually a tip my manager taught me. She said, you've got to be like, fuck off if you're going to waste my time. Be really sort of like, make them go, no, no, no, no, sorry. Like, make them chase her.

And that's the sort of person who really is going to get revved up by that sort of discipline. Yeah, I don't want to fuck you around. I really do want to come. Like, you threaten to block them. You'll be like, if they're fucking around, you go, hey, I'm going to block you. And they're like, no, no, please don't. There's nowhere else on the internet that I can go. Like, here's the thing thing if you sign up now

it only costs 20 bucks and like we can chat all night we need to make all the dumb dumb socials like this make us come or fuck off

no more time well I am going to sign up congratulations you just got 25 bucks I just got 25 dollars thank you very much what was the website

it clearly doesn't exist I honestly can't remember it was yeah it was it wasn't even it wasn't the website was not based in Australia

I don't know why we were in Australia Brisbane was the hub of this I don't understand and the whole and the time I worked there I literally

I never got fired or anything but it went from the first few shifts I was doing I was signing people up every five minutes I made heaps of money in the first

wow wow you're a slut thank you that was one of my usernames just big slut big slut big greg i bought a nintendo gamecube with the money i made oh yeah what games did you get oh i got pokemon stadium yeah um what else i get i got resident evil 4 oh fuck yeah i've been playing that on the v Yeah, Resident Evil 4. On VR? Yeah. Resident Evil 4 is on VR.

Yeah, right there. That's a VR headset. Holy shit, let's get it going. Can we get back to you making men cum? He's about to make one cum right now. That's pathetic. I'm going to fucking... But yeah, it was really fun.

But then it really died out. You'd go into the chat room and then you'd go, hey guys, and then people would immediately start going, this is a fucking bot or this website sucks. It's actually not the real woman. It's just some guy. Being labelled a bot is somehow more offensive than being labelled a man that's pretending to be a woman.

This is a robot. I am not a bot. I am a dude. But here's the fucking crazy shit right, because I have all kinds of usernames. It was always like Big Titty or Wet Pussy. Big Titty Greg?

It was like Wet Pussy Horny or something. You have to think of a fresh username every time you go in there for the shift. Not every time. Sometimes I'd use the same ones, but it's always good to mix it up. Mix it up, so they think... So no one's like, oh, that was...

And were you keeping track of all the different characters you'd been playing? Yeah, did you have... Did you have lore? Was there background for your characters? What was your lore? A big titty woman, did she have a history or anything like that?

No, I mean, you'd know who was working at the time, so you could basically pretend to be one of the women that was working. But I remember there was this one day, and this was also the Wild West days of, I think it was Yahoo chat, where there were these unmoderated message boards, private ones that were crazy. And I saw one that was white pride worldwide,

and someone dared me. They were like, oh, I dare you to try and make a sign up with like a neo-Nazi, like see if you can sign up a neo-Nazi. And I'm like, yeah, I'll give it a fucking crack. Oh, what was your username? Oh, it would have been like wet pussy. Big white vag. And I went in there and within...

Aryan puss. Yeah, they cut to like two hours later and I'm just sitting there going, you fucking fascist cunts. Fuck you all. You don't know what you're fucking talking about. Like fucking Hitler with a piece of shit. With the name Big Fat Pussy.

Yeah, yeah. And I'm just like having this two hour long argument with these Nazis just going, you fucking dead cunts. Yeah. And then, yeah, my team leader came over and was like, I mean, you're not being paid by the hour here, but you're wasting your time. You're wasting dead cunts Yeah And then yeah My team leader came over And was like I mean you're not being paid By the hour here But you're wasting your time

You're wasting your time Wasting everybody's time You're going a crusade Yeah So how long did you do that for? Oh not very long It was a few months And then it kind of

Really dried up quick That is a long time That's a long time Yeah It was That's a long time To be texting men Saying that you want to

Suck their dicks every night Yeah before Before comedy It was the only job I ever had that I enjoyed And now you just do it for free It's a long time to be texting men saying that you want to suck their dicks every night. Before comedy, it was the only job I ever had that I enjoyed. And now you just do it for free. It's weird. Before comedy, it was the closest thing to sex work you'd ever do. Yeah. Except it doesn't pay as well, obviously.

Yeah, obviously. Less demeaning. It was fun. It was great. It was a great job. Fuck. Did that at any stage go on the resume? Did that go on the CV at any point?

No, that never went on the CV, unfortunately. Fuck. Did that at any stage go on the resume? Did that go on the CV at any point? No, they never went on the CV, unfortunately. Fuck. That'd be a real good talking point. Yeah. I'd do that job. Oh, it was. Well, it's sales. Yeah.

Oh, it's sales. It's sales. It's really just sales. I think I did say, yeah, I had a sales job. Right. I might have told a boss or two after that. Yeah. But only after I got the job.

Right. Early days of like ICQ Messenger when I was about 13, 14, I used to just get on there because you could just like randomly find people. Yeah. And I would like catfish people. I would pretend. I would like say I was like a hot girl. And I would like lure in guys.

Show me your dick. Chat with them. Come around and fuck me. Yeah, I literally would go, let's meet up and fuck. Let's go to this park and fuck. And you were getting paid. I was just doing it

because I found it funny. I did that to me when I was 13. We go to Chatroulette. That's what we go to. We. You and the fellow youths. Yeah, we just get on Chatroulette and just click until you find a dude

that was just jacking off. And then you'd be like, oh, you've got a fucking weird dick. They were like, fuck, yeah, that's what I want. Call my dick weird. Please call my dick weird. Is Chatroulette still going? We should do a live show on Chatroulette. I think it is.

We should do a gig where it's online and the only way to access it is. By chance, you might stumble across us on Chat Relay I think it is we should do a gig where it's online and the only way to access it is by chance you might stumble across us on Chat Relay you've got to go through a gamut of dicks being beaten on before you get to us

it could be around it's like 10 years old now isn't it I think it's called something else I think the demand is never going to die out

for something like that there's always going to if there's if you can log into it there'll be someone jerking off. Yeah. Yeah. If you build it,

they'll come. Hey, we're at my house. You guys are around here on a Sunday evening. There's a, I don't know if either of you, you probably would have seen it, Carl,

but I don't know if Greg and Ben have seen it. There's a newsagent right near my house. I think it might be one of the last remaining. I have not seen it. Really? I'm sure. It's a news agency. I fucking love, oh, think it might be one of the last remaining. I have not seen it. Really? I'm shocked. The Fitzroy News Agency. I fucking love it.

Oh, that one. It's been there forever. That way? Yeah. On the big street? Yeah, yeah. Right. I do know.

It's been there forever. Yeah. And it's huge. And it's done that thing. Love a big newsagent spot. Love a big. But it's done that thing where it's like, I think they see the writing on the wall. Yeah.

And they've done that thing where. They've got other bullshit, not magazines. But it's done that thing where it's like, I think they see the writing on the wall. And they've done that thing where the whole front half of the store is just phone charges and like costumes and lights. They've got a bit of everything. But I kept going in there in lockdown because they're allowed to stay open. And because they've got so much other shit in there, it just, it kind of felt like walking around in a department store. Nice little break from lockdown. That was your JB high five. It really was.

For a few months there, it was like I'd just go in. And they do, in spite of having all the other bullshit in there, they have a massive selection of magazines. Like if I was cryogenically frozen and I'd woken up and you told me one of the first places I'd been to was this newsagent and then you told me that, hey, print is kind of on the way out, I'd punch you in the stomach for lying to me. Because you go in there and it's like,

how are there this many magazines still being made? They have so many fucking magazines in there. I love it. So I bought a magazine in there that is a kind of a specialty interest magazine. Porno. That I did not know had a magazine devoted to it. Big boobs. And I want you guys to all try and guess

what is this subsection of the community... Worms. ...that I bought this magazine for. Worms the game magazine. All about worms. No, not worms. Okay. Is it in the...

Can you answer yes or no Yeah let's do some yes or no's Alright so Let's do yes or no's And you've got Let's say ten Amongst the three of you Alright

Is it porno related Or like Is it Like in any way Sexually titillating Yeah On Like would a normal person

Look at that and go horny is it for the purposes of horniness no right okay

is it well that rules out everything because I get turned on prudently right it's not about model trains it's not about crocheting

is it anything sport or sort of any sport or sport related? No. Okay. Is it, would you say, very loosely, is it a weird pastime related magazine? Hmm.

That's hard because, I mean, the people that read the magazine wouldn't think of it like that. In your opinion? But I... In your guess of what our opinion was? I would say yes. Okay. From where I'm sitting, yes. Okay.

Does it involve the outdoors in any way? Yes. Oh, there we go. Outdoorsy. Okay, but not a sport. Outdoors, but not a sport, but a pastime. As in a hobby. When I think pastime, is that correct?

Is that your question? What's your question? No, no, no. I'll say yes. I'll say yes to that. So it's a hobby and it's in outdoor. You have five questions of me. You can ask me five questions.

Okay. What happens if I run out? You can ask five of Greg then. Ask me anything you want. It's't care i don't put rules on it man um so uh uh you've got question number five coming up yeah okay your question before was is a pastime a hobby no i didn't answer that That didn't count. That's not a question. I answered that. First question, is a past time a hobby?

Yeah, I've just got other stuff I want to bring up. What's a news agent? So, I'm guessing it's an older style hobby. Is it something to do

with wood? Oh, weirdly specific. No. Okay. Okay, so we're Five We're halfway there

Nothing but wood So I'm going to rule out Furniture Okay I'm going to rule out Whitland Right And bow skills

Okay You're ruling out Three or four out of Like two billion hobbies Yeah but Still getting close It's not a copy of Whitland Monthly

You're correct Whitland Monthly Pick it up Fuck I tell you what If it's Whitland Weekly You're in fucking correct. Whitland Monthly. Pick it up. Fuck. I tell you what, if it's Whitland Weekly, you're in fucking trouble. Got him on a technicality.

Yeah. All right, I've got another question. Oh, mate, you've got to work your turn. Number six coming up from me right now. Okay,

so it's a weird hobby, probably, and it's, did you say it was outdoorsy, sort of? Yes, you did. Outdoorsy, but nothing to do with it.

Can I ask a clarifying question that doesn't count as a real question? You may. You may have a sub-question. Was that a question? You may have a sub-question. When Carl said a weird pastime and you said the people who do it wouldn't consider that, were you saying that they wouldn't consider it weird or that they wouldn't consider it a pastime?

Oh. Oh. The people doing it wouldn't consider it weird. They wouldn't consider it weird. Okay. It's a bit weird to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And take that how you will.

Not weird to everyone. Like I said, a magazine exists for it, so it can't be that weird. No. It's outdoorsy. It's very outdoorsy. Very outdoorsy. So that rules out like arts and crafts. I'm not going to use this as an official guess,

but I think it might be something to do with eating animal cum to survive. I mean, there is a reason I brought it up at the end of this episode. It's not sexual. Don't ask that because it's my turn. I'm not saying I'm going to ask it. I'm just saying I'm laying the seed. Mammal cum insiders. God, I love a good game.

Fuck a good game is fun too. It's fun to play them It's really fun to play them It is The dream is to do this Every week from now on Yeah yeah yeah Me going down to the newsagent

That is so big I can't believe How many magazines We have talked about this On the show But we did this once I did this once And the game was

Not on the pod But just in real life The game was What did I buy at Chadston today And the game went for an hour And the answer was Hillary Clinton's autobiography. So this could be half-hearted. Really fun.

Yeah. Really fun. Okay, so outdoors-y type weird hobby. No wood. No wood. No wood. Great call. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Although. Oh. Great call. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Although, well, what they're doing in the hobby isn't like, they're not using the wood. Right. Well, no, I was about to say wood might be around, but it's like I'm just describing buildings and that's true of sort of anything. Not including outdoorsiness.

Yeah, I stand by my original answer it's not involving the wood itself we're not going to say like if it ends up being you know people having sex with mascots sporting mascots

and then we say oh but fucking they sit on the bench at some stage at the sporting events aren't they no I'm just you know when you're answering these questions you get very worried that you're going to get to the end

and be absolutely vilified for having answered one of the questions inaccurately. Like I was when I said that quiche was a pie. I feel like this is a private matter between you and Greg. I said quiche was a pie. Yeah, he said what kind of pie. The question was what kind of pie and then the answer was a quiche. Right.

Which is... If you're going to talk about stuff that hasn't been on this pod, let's keep it to Nerf softness. Thanks very much. A quiche is a type of tart when a tart is a pie. Isn't quiche

an egg and bacon pie? Thank you. Yeah. I'd say a quiche is part of a pie. Thank you so much. But is a quiche a quiche? But here's my question though.

If I said to you, name every type of pie You can think of Would you say quiche? You're right I probably wouldn't Yeah but you would say Egg and bacon pie

Which is a quiche Right Well no If it's got a top on it No if it's got a top on it Then that's an egg and bacon pie It's a pie Well let's just agree to disagree

I can't believe we're getting this Who's up? Quiche Quiche versus pie Shit again This nearly killed me This nearly fucking killed me I can't believe we're getting this Who's up? Keish Keish versus Pige Shit again This nearly killed me This nearly fucking killed me Alright who's next?

We're still waiting for you We're still waiting on six I know Ask me a question You're going to forfeit in ten seconds What's this? Is this number six? Is this five or six?

This is six Okay this is six I'm on number six Alright number six is this So Zatozi is Weird It's not wood It's sporty Is it This is six Okay this is six I'm on number six Alright number six is this So it's Weird It's not wood It's sporty Is it

Just keep thinking It's something to do With being in the nude But it can't be Because you said Not sexy didn't you You said not Oh you

Alright you're giving me Very nothing there You can be nude And not sexual Is it Is it Is it nudity related? Yes.

Oh. Fuck. There we go. Oh, shit. Okay. But it's not porno. Yeah. No.

Well, I mean. It's not top shelf. It's not in a plastic bag. But the question I had was, is it made for the purposes of sexual arousal? Okay. Right. Okay.

Because nudist speeches aren't that. So it's like you can be sexually aroused by things, but I can be sexually aroused by N64 Gamer magazine. But Shigeru Miyamoto isn't cooking up Mario 64 going, this will get some rocks off. Yeah, exactly. I reckon he is. I mean, he might be.

That's all we know. Right. That's not confirmed. Question six. All of a sudden, game on. Because nudity... Like, a nude beach isn't created to get people hard. It's because they like that shit.

Yeah. They like to walk around in a nude. Well, I mean, it involves nudity. I mean, it's got to be a nudist... Either just a nudist magazine or a specific hobby that is... I think it gets weirder. I think it's got to be...

It can't be nudist magazine. Yeah, because if it is, Tommy's a real cunt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's just not that weird. That's just a porno, sort of. A nudist magazine. Yeah. That's just a magazine full of naked people.

Are you guys ready to make a guess? We're only six questions in. We've got four to go. Does it involve... Is nudity one part of the pastime? For people at home, by the way, Tommy's pulled out a big bag, unzipped it, and is about to

bring out a glowing magazine like Pulp Fiction, but with pornos. Absolutely. Is the nudity the only thing, or is nudity just a part of it? I'm going to have to get you to phrase that in the S1S question. He means, do you mean... Is there more to the pastime than just being naked? Is that the main thing, the main focus? Is there another element to it than nudity?

No. Oh. Oh. Okay. Is it a than nudity? No. Oh. Okay. Is it a nudist magazine? Yes. It is a magazine. So what I just said, it's just magazines with people in the nude in it. So there is...

Tan, the Australian naturist magazine. Fuck. Well, I mean, that's not that weird. People get into it. Hey, still took you quite a few questions to get to it. I still want to have a quick look through. This is what I really wanted to get to. And there is wood involved.

Great looking through the nudist magazine. That's what this was all set up for. You know what? Let's all look at the magazine, and if we get hard-ons, it is a porno. Yeah, then I'm flunked out on question number one. Yeah, it is a porno. it is a porno. Yeah, then I'm flunked out on question number one. Yeah, it is a porno.

But what's great about it is this has come out post-pandemic. Right. This is an issue that's come out mid-lockdown. No masks. And they're like, yeah, we've had to cancel a few events. But you know what? At the end of the day, so much of our activities are outside. We're sort of protected against COVID, aren't we?

And it's easy for us to get vitamin D And not get depressed in lockdown So they're anti-masker, anti-pantser, anti-shirter They're anti-everything Yep Wow Yeah that's cook Greg's There's some cook shit in here

Greg are you getting hard or There's a bunch of pages that you can't actually open That are stuck together Which is sort of weird Again I've broken my own rules Is it on YouTube Yeah News from the ANF Again, I've broken my own rule. Is it on YouTube? Yeah.

News from the ANF. They've got screenshots of YouTube videos. ANF sounds like an alt-right organisation. Still got the sticker on the front. How much does this set you back? It's $8.50 to see some old people in the new. Yeah, not too bad. Not too shabby. There's like a family in there.

There was a family in there. I have a question. Yep. Are you a bad parent if you go with your kids to a nudist colony? Interesting. I'm not talking about your kids running naked in the backyard or whatever. I'm talking you naked, your kids naked, you're at a nudist colony. What age are the kids?

Yeah, like 11, whatever the age is they are. I don't think like strictly bad, but I think it's like the kids should be able to make their own decisions about that. And at a certain point, if they're not into it, they're going to be looking back going, God, that was fucked. Those holidays we used to go on with mum and dad surrounded by other nude old cunts. It would be good if you were still doing that when the kids were 14 or whatever and you're like, nah, we're still going.

We're going to the nudist colony. Or it's like, you know how some parents, when their kids reach a certain age, it's like, keep living at home, but you're going to have to start paying rent. It's like that, but it's like once you're 18, if you don't move out, you come into the nudist camps every weekend with us.

You can live here completely free. No board. Ben Russell is just absolutely fixated with this magazine. It's weird. There's a lot of just like big barrel. You know those when you get to a certain age in Australia where you just get like really super tanned and tiny with a big barrel, like you're all just that barrel chest.

Yeah. That's when you join the nudist column. I reckon I've got it in me, honestly. Looking at the magazine, I was like, God, they're having a good time. They're just out there in nature. I was once, the only time I've ever been nude in a big setting like that was when i was on stage but apart from that um i was at an airport in seoul in korea and there was like a a hot bath like a spa whatever it's called what is it sauna yeah i think yep and you're not allowed to wear clothes like when you go into the baths you're

not allowed to wear clothes and i said oh yeah i'll go in there and then because i thought oh it's like two in the morning. No one's going to be there. I really want, like I'd just been on a plane. Does this story end with you getting fucked? No. But like, it was weird. Like you're just walking around with all nude people.

Yeah. And just, it was weird. And some guy was like, hey, what's going on? Yeah. What was his username? But it was just, yeah, big nude. What sort of, what sort of of This guy's shearing a sheep What sort of beer glass

Do they hold cum in in China? This was Korea Oh Korea Sorry Carl Come on mate Big cultine sensitive About cum

Okay question Devastating moment Where you guys were both like If this is just a nudist magazine You are a cunt And I was like Oh have I got any other magazines in here? I think we're bad now. No, that was him.

Oh, it's Better Homes and Gardens. Can you imagine this? See, this guy, he looks like he's going to reply to a tweet going, yeah, Australian comedy today is not funny. Carl Barron is so much funnier. I haven't had a look yet. You'reron is so much funnier. You're in a fucking nudist movie. It's funny because it's like you're walking through and it's like the pornos in a newsagent are like in a separate bit

and they're hard to get. And then meanwhile, this is just there hanging out next to the fucking Mad Magazines and Simpsons comics. I just don't understand what there is to being a nudist that you need to buy a magazine. Like, what's the fucking... What do all those words say? Right, that's kind of why I got it.

Oh, I was naked sitting on the thing and then I went there and I was naked. Like, what are you going to talk about? We love nudity. Number one, being nude. Number two... That's why I got it. That's what really fascinated me about it.

I was like, I want to see what you'd put in a whole magazine about this and then as it turns out most of that one is about you know what it's been like in the community during covet and it's like yeah okay well like every interest can fill up a fucking magazine at the moment with what it's been like in the pandemic i do like what i do and you know i do like how it's like this where it's like okay look i get it it's like you said it's not sexual nature it's like this is it's like okay look i get it it's like you said it's not sexual nature it's like this is how these guys want to live outdoors outdoors natural you know okay we're all born like this um okay fair enough so that that's sort of the idea of and that's why it makes it not a porno because it's just it's nothing sexual or anything like that yep it's

just a lot of people older people in the nude and then you get towards the end of it and it's like oh just a bunch of these guys are in dresses as well so why not just that's sort of adjacent to being nude is it just wearing the wrong yeah it's like the footy show bit of fun up the back the lads just having a laugh just because we're new doesn't mean we don't love a laugh it's like these guys have like seen the guys have seen the quota of the magazine and gone, what we don't like is for you to wear, like if you're a man you don't wear obviously suits. Constricting. Suits or shirts or pants.

It's a natural car. Okay, well there's nothing in here that says we don't wear dresses and nighties and whatever the fuck they're wearing at the back of the year. You don't see a deer in the forest with pants. Just a bunch of dudes with dresses in the back. It's like, this is a nudist magazine. I don't... How's that?

Yeah. Yeah. How does that make sense? So you're saying, look, men can wear whatever they want. It's 2021. Unless... But... They're part of a nudist colony.

Exactly. In which case, they should be wearing nothing. This is the naturist magazine. Yeah. Not the blokes in dresses magazine. Do we have any listeners that are nudists? I'd love to know. Yeah.

Hit us up. I'd like not to know. I don't want photos. Comment below and don't forget to like and subscribe. What's the community like? Yeah. I remember in high school, my friend's dad was a nudist. And I found that out when I stayed over at my friend's house

and then woke up in the morning kind of early and he was just walking around naked. I mean, isn't that just dads though? My dad does that. Like he'll just be like, get up in the morning and go, because he likes being naked, but he sort of gets up and makes himself, goes downstairs and makes himself a cup of coffee

in the absolute bath. He always has done that. Isn't that just dads? No. I've never heard of it. absolute bath he always has done that he's just always done that is that just dads no he loves I've never heard of that's the two dads I've heard of doing it and all the dads

and that man and I used to if I used to go down there early I'd be like Jesus Christ and he'd be like what it's my it's my goddamn house

yeah I think dads just like being nude I mean you sleep in the nude you've got a kid now Carl yeah and that was a pre-existing condition

you're always like that. Yes. But it's only, you know, when it was just you and your wife, it's like, yeah, I'm sleeping naked next to my wife. Yes. But now that there's a kid in the equation, it's like you're a dad walking around nude. Wow. All of a sudden it changes.

Nudedad.com. Yeah. It's a little bit, yeah. No, I do get told off a bit now. I can't just get up and waltz around in the nude now. But like, that was good advice before that because the windows are never, like the blind now. But like, that look, that was good advice. That was good advice before that because the windows

are never, like the blinds. There's an office building across the road and I would love to be in that office building and see, I just presume

you can't see into where we live. Yeah. But I'm pretty sure they can see absolutely everything. Right. And there's like a,

what the fuck is it? It's like a, I think it's like a women's clothing company that I live opposite. And so there's just a bunch I think it's like a women's clothing company that I live opposite. And so there's just a bunch of girls in there designing stuff and then at about 9.30 all of a sudden some bloke's got his dick out making toast.

Yeah, so this is what it's all for, ladies. That's called mixing business with pleasure. Letting a husband like that. That's what we need these dresses to be able to do for people. Or for these old blokes in the nudist colony in the magazine. I'm a never nude. I don't mind getting in the nude. I like getting in there and wiggling around and scooting up.

Scoot. Yeah, get a bit itchy. Go dog style. Yeah. Like, I'll definitely, like, in the morning, I'll definitely, I'll sleep in my undies and I'll walk around in my undies for a little bit. Do you get in the shower

with your speedos on no right okay he blindfolds himself I blindfold myself and then like spit on myself fat cunt

fat cunt alright well I'm gonna get nude after you guys leave So we better wrap it up We're going to play the drums Yeah exactly That actually sounds

Fucking Really cool Yeah A lot of flopping around Get a picture And send it into Australian Naturist magazine That would be good

Oh okay Maybe that can be a challenge Yeah I've got to get myself featured In the homegirls section Of Australian Naturist magazine. Can you please get your girlfriend to take a picture of you playing the drums in the nude? Okay.

And send it into this magazine. Yeah, right. Please. I'll try and get featured in there. It seems like you're not being serious. No, I will try it. You've got to be a part of the community. Promise to really try.

You've got to get involved in the community. Yeah. You can't just... They won't let outsiders just waltz in here, take a picture of them with their junk and just post it in their magazine. I don't know. Let's try.

Let's find out. Let's all four of us do it. Yeah. Let's have a race. Whoever gets featured in their first weeks. I'll get in there because I've got huge balls and everyone will have a look at me. That's right.

You do. Yeah. And that's a thing. Yeah. People will want to see in there because I've got huge balls and everyone will have a look at me. That's right, you do. Yeah. And that's the thing. Yeah. People want to see what all the fuss is about. I remember I was nude in Sam Campbell's show. The Zanzoop one, the one with the alien, and he had like a montage of all these comedians doing like a –

there was a segment where the alien was doing a drawing competition and all these different comedians had like a little thing where where they said good luck sam oh good luck zanzoop in the drawing competition and it would just cut to different comedians and then me it was just me lying completely naked on my couch with like a sparkly hat on going good luck in the token in the drawing competition and then sam paused the video and then like and then made my balls because they kind of looked like they're in like a heart shape the way they were video and then made my balls because they kind of looked like they were in a heart shape the way they were sitting and he made them come out and then go onto the screen

and then I said, I love you, but the heart was my balls and then just left it there for the rest of the entire show. That's what you're saying, isn't it? Sam spent like a day or two just looking. Yeah, like literally zooming in then like cutting out the balls computer enhanced magnifier fuck yeah

we'll try and get that pic and send it into tan I do you're saying big balls you've got big balls yeah thank you

right no I'm confirming that with you is that true yeah right okay huge I remember very weird

I remember being with a girl once where I she had big balls I knew I sort of knew her quite well as a friend

and then whatever happened for some reason we did it one night but I do remember sex you're talking about sex yes thank you

and I knew there was a word for it so but then I remember like after that you remember my balls after that it wasn't like weird that we'd had sex but what was weird was just before we had sex she said to me you've got really big balls and i was like oh have i yeah and it was really weird and then we still did it even though it was sort of a bit weird but then i felt like it was really weird, and then we still did it, even though it was sort of a bit weird. But then I felt like it was weird afterwards,

not because we'd had sex, but because she'd said that. Yeah, balls aren't sexy. But that's an optical illusion because you've got a micro. Yeah, right. Yeah, in comparison to everything. Someone's packing a micro. Big boast, dude. You've got a micro.

We've all got them. real grow up uh ben and greg thank you very much for joining us uh check out the grub the podcast that you do with edo it's a sketch podcast people love it yeah it's great uh you're gonna be doing greg you got a live show coming up yeah Comedy Republic I'm doing the return of my solo show from 2019 for some reason no it's a good show it was a really fun show and I wanted to bring it back

and I'm doing it for two nights on the 4th and 8th of December I believe it's been shifted around so much because of COVID so look it up on the Comedy Republic website I'm doing something at Comedy Republic too, excuse me. It's like a virus that came out a while ago. Excuse me?

New virus dropped. I'm doing a show on the 15th of November. When does this come out? That's really soon. Two days, three days? Yeah, Teaching Your Dog to Read, which is an improv show with comedians right

so like the sort of thing where you get handed like a silly looking prop yeah and then you

just have to come up with different things yeah like you'll get like a pink sort of foam thing and

I'll be like this is sort of armour that's pink yeah and I'll be like it's Nerf right

Nerf Softener right alright thanks very much for listening everyone we'll see you next time that's pink. Yeah. And I'll be like, it's Nerf. Right. Nerf softener. Right, okay. Alright. Thanks very much for listening, everyone. We'll see you next time. See you,

mates. And, they've done it again. What a humdinger. Yes. Um, yeah, all over the fucking joint,

that one. Um, I hope you like inside jokes that you won't possibly understand. Yeah. Well, I think these people do. Do they? Yeah.

Okay. We are doing, like we said, the 500th episode, January 15, 2022. That's going to be the start. Well, not the start because we've got our, not Seymour. Where's the fucking Heathcote coming up? But I believe we've got a new date for the Brisbane live show

Tommy Daslow. Yes. And that is Saturday, January the 29th. Yes. In Brisbane, in Lefties, where it was originally

going to be. And then we'll be doing our live talking dum-dum over the road at Good Shade Comedy Club. At Righties. Yes. We're going to get up.

You have to cross in the Middle East. Yeah, we're going to go in the main pod we're going to be talking about how we should all change banks and not support fossil fuels anymore and then we're going to go

across the street and we're going to rail against people demanding different pronouns and yeah. Just melt ice. and we're going to rail against people demanding different pronouns. Just melt ice. Yeah, so that's going to be good. I did talk to the people at Lefty's yesterday and they filled me with confidence by saying,

yeah, no worries. Do you want me to start selling tickets or what? I'm like, this is sold out six months ago. Remember all of this? Yeah. Well, they don't really they've been living their lives yeah well they've had like a couple of days of lockdown in there they also did a cool thing of like we set up a facebook event they asked to be attached to it

and then they just cancelled the event that's right this is cancelled everyone like that's right no worries i'm glad i attached you to this fucking event now i fucking cannot stand a request from a promoter or a booker or whatever that wants... We've had people ask to be made like co-admin of like our actual page. Yeah. Like not just the event. Yeah.

The actual little dum-dum page. It's like, oh, you need to go in and give me approval to do all this and then it's going to help us share the event. It's like, I'm not fucking doing that. Yeah. You're a guy that we're working with for like two months. Yeah, yeah. I'm not giving you admin privileges yeah weird just this like you don't you don't use facebook in any other way without being a moderator of the little dum-dum club

you don't you don't get to come and get into our inbox and see all the chicks you know sending us nudes and stuff all right you don't get that that's a different tiered sponsorship at the very least when i used to run um catfish comedy we of course had a facebook page and that gig is still running we passed it off to someone else and like you know handed it all over made him an admin and uh it was a great day when he was like boy was it fun going first thing i did straight into the inbox and look at all the gig requests that had been left sitting there. Right. Nice to see it from the other side. Yeah, yeah.

So that's exciting. If you've got tickets for Brisbane from way back then, they are absolutely valid for now. We are all sold out, I believe. You know what? So that's very exciting. Special guests all lined up, all that sort of jazz what? So that's very exciting. Special guests all lined up, all that sort of jazz. That's going to be great.

Update on the Heathcote gig. Yes. And that is on December, Saturday, December 11. Fast approaching. What we do, what we have neglected to talk about is that we do have a bit of a request out there. Okay. Something that we need from either listeners or someone. So we've got our grand plan of going down and we've booked out this pub. Yep.

It's going to be heaps of fun and we've sold it out. It certainly is a grand plan. Yes. And we've got the bus bus hired out we're going down there milan's in charge of the bus so that's the stuff or you can go your own way blah blah what we don't quite have yet is someone to drive the bus yes because a lot of people have assumed probably not unfairly that milan will be driving the bus yes yes some other people have assumed that maybe someone like a brett blake will will the bus. No, that's not the case either.

So what we do need is we need a bus driver. Not a big fancy bus driver. From what I read, you need an endorsed license or an endorsed license is what it says. So it's a 25-seater bus is what we've got. If you know how to drive a bus like that. This is a great call out where you're asking for something that you don't even really fully know what it is. Yes.

I think I'm building a house. Yes. Or a hose. Floors or. Well, it says endorse license. And I asked Brett Blake and I thought, well, he of all people will know. And he's like, I don't know what that is. So I was like, fuck, this is a bit of a worry.

I'm listening to this on a Bluetooth car stereo that is in the dashboard of a 25-seater bus, if you're behind the wheel of one right now, then pull over and give us a message. Hit the handbrake. This is the job for you. Yeah. So what we need is someone who can drive one of those smaller sort of buses. We've got a spare seat on the bus. It's the driver's seat for you.

Now, that means if you haven't got a ticket, you get to come to the show for free. This is like those music festivals where Meredith will give you a free ticket, but you have to work there. So it's like you have to be up at 6 a.m. picking up rubbish. Yes. And if you're prepared to do that, hungover after sleeping in a tent, you can come to the festival for free. Yeah, yeah. So you can come to the gig.

You make your way up there for free as well because you're driving yourself. And, you know, there'll be a little bit of cash in there for you as well. So let us know if you're one of these people. Yeah. Can't wait to see the freak that's going to be responsible for our lives driving up there. Yeah. I hate this.

Well, we need something. We need something. Yeah. So I'm interested in if you want to send any auditions on video of you driving a bus. Oh, yeah. Not crashing it. Yeah. Just a video that cuts out right before the bus goes off a cliff.

Don't send us any pictures of you crashing or any videos of you crashing. I mean, I am so... It's going to hurt your case. I hate this idea so much of being... Like, people going like, oh, yeah, Milan will be driving. That'd be great. I kind of would probably rather that.

Right. The devil you know kind of thing. Yeah. I'm tempted to look into trying to get my endorsed license in the time between now and then. I wonder if, like, time-wise, if it's possible for me to... I don't know what you have to do.

I assume written test and then... I assume it's probably mostly written test, right? I don't know. It can't be like a logbook situation where you've got to do 120 hours in a bus before you can qualify for your bus license. But surely there's an instructor or something that's in there because buses are pretty fucking big things.

It's a completely different beast to drive around, you know, park and turn corners and stuff like that. I've driven like a mini, but I think it's like the last bus that you can drive before you have to get- Like a 12 seat or something. It's a new license. Yeah.

And that was like a little difficult to start with. But then once you get into it, the fucking, the feeling of power, cruising down the freeway in a bus, being got it being really high up yeah it felt good well you look it is one of the easier bus driving jobs i would imagine because we're picking that it up not in the city we're picking it up a little bit suburban wise then we're driving just into the country yeah you know you there's not too much technical prowess needed to get on the fucking ring road are you kidding you've got fucking 25 cunts screeching at each other in the back behind you. You've got a guy dealing out shots while you're trying to drive.

You're not making a good ad for these first person that we're trying to attract. I just want them to be braced for what they're going to have to do. You can't just say, oh, all you need to do is fucking swing the wheel. No, you've got to have good compartmentalizing. You've got to have extreme mental fortitude and focus i'm just saying on paper the trip itself the trip itself oh look just if the bus was empty easiest thing in the world i'd be tempted to do it without even having a license that's what i'm saying you can do it on your l's yeah this is it's sort of it's like the thing i've seen with

drummers where they go to really um like get a good drummer or whatever they they've got to keep the beat despite things other things happening so there's people distracting you or whatever. You've got to be one of these Zen drummers. You've got to be the Zen fucking bus driver. Yeah, maybe we get them some noise-cancelling headphones and we just pipe some white noise in so they can't hear the abuse and the catchphrases being hollered at them. Yeah.

Any children under the bus or anything like that. I hate that when you see someone driving and they've got headphones on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It fucking drives me mental. Yeah, it is a bit weird. Well, I mean... Is it actually... It's against the law, isn't it?

It must be. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy if it's... I'm sure I've been done for that at some stage. I see it so frequently that it seems like it's a weird loophole where it's technically not.

I don't know. I'm not sure. I've certainly driven with them on, but I haven't been listening to stuff because I've got a bad habit of just leaving them in. Right. I've been talking to people for like half an hour and been listening to stuff because I've got a bad habit of just leaving them in. Right. I've been talking to people for like half an hour and then gone, oh, I've got my headphones

and you probably think I'm listening to something. Yeah. Why is that? I just leave them in. I just forget. You forget that you've got something clogging your ears. Yes. You don't notice like, this is weird.

I can't really hear properly. No. Because I walk around all the time with it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I reckon 80% of the time there's nothing playing in them. So, it's a very normal thing.

I got one in right now. What do you think of that? This must make you pretty jealous. It's freaking me out. Maybe we could swap. You could be the one monitoring the levels when we do this. I'm freaking out. I really am so close to running across the room and shoving the other one in your ear.

Yeah. Well, look at that. It's got no little thing on it. It's lost the little plastic bit. Okay. The little plastic bit. That's no good. The little rubber mound.

But yeah, let us know. Let us know. Even if you know someone that's not even particularly into the pod that could do with a bit of a trip and a little bit of a job and all that sort of stuff. Probably someone who's not really into the pod is like the ideal candidate, really, because everything that's being done in the actual body of the bus and being yelled about will mean nothing to you, so you won't be able to be distracted by it.

You'll just pretty easily be able to block it out. But, I mean, look, there are sensible people, like, you know, it's only a smallish bus. There's heaps more people that are coming to the gig that aren't on the bus that have deliberately looked at the bus idea and gone, I don't want to get drunk on a bus with Milan. Yeah, those people. Smart people. Those people now have got this other option going, well, I could be on the bus, but I can't drink.

I can get away, and there's a bit of an earner, and I get a free ticket. Yes. So there's that. There might be the ideal person out there. If you're the centre of that Venn diagram, then let us know. If you like being in the eye of the hurricane without actually being tossed around with cows

and the rest of the shit. If you just want to be the calm person in the middle of the hurricane, just looking around and everything going, this looks fucked up. Yeah. So we're strict on this. You have to have, we think, an endorsed license

or whatever it's called. Or an endorsed license, whatever it is. We will not have any. We will have no. We're very strict on this. You have to have whatever the thing is that you have to have that we don will have no um we're very strict on this you have to have whatever the thing is yes that you have to have that we don't know what it is yes there's no way around it yeah one of the rules is you have to tell us what exactly it is that you've got that you have to have yeah if you can tell me if it's an endorsed license or an endorsed license that'd be a big

help yeah so you have to either have that or if you know if that's you or if you know someone who that is let us know also if you know how quickly and easily i would be able to get this type of license before december 11 because maybe i'll just fucking do it i did love driving that bus around when i was doing um chauffeuring bands around for the falls festival it was fucking great i drove weird al's band i. I was going into the car park at the Melbourne airport and I forgot that I wasn't in a car. You know those bits that hang down in car parks? Yeah, yeah.

It's like if you drive a normal car, when have you ever had to pay attention to that in your life? Yeah. So I drove the budget rental truck under that, just big scraping noise over the roof of the car. Oh, get on it because then we can sell one more ticket. Might turn a profit on this fucking show. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me know. It's going to be very interesting. Just my dealing with the bus hire company has been extremely interesting so far. So, yeah, look, we might have more about that to talk about as well. So, yeah, I think it's going to be a very interesting trip. Yeah. All right, let's get down to business.

You can support the show. Help keep the lights on. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. You can be a supporter and you can also get two bonus episodes every week. Lots of great guests on them. Lots of great content on them. We've done a few rippers lately, actually. In fact, we're doing two more right after this.

We are. We're going to be all yakked out by lunchtime. Alright, so what we're going to do now, we're going to open up the unplanned title alternator. We're going to read out some very worthwhile names. People that have been supporting

us for a while, I think by the look of it today. Thanks for all the support over the pandemic. Everyone, especially everyone who joined on as the pandemic hit and and thought you poor little cunts you little battlers yeah what the fuck how are you going to be eating yeah for the next uh 18 months these people knew how long it was going to last for so uh thank you very much for you guys especially guys that signed up and then hung on the whole time and And especially everyone. In particular, everyone that's ever given us anything. Yeah.

I like to narrow it down. Anyone who's ever given me money for anything, I'm a fan of. Yep. And let's read out a few of those people right now. They've filled our pockets with doubloons. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ian Wallace. Okay. Ian Wallace. okay Ian Wallace

This name sticks in my head Does it? Do you want to know why? Yes About a year and a little over a year ago One of the first Zoom live shows that we did We send out the link Everyone's like great looking forward to it

I'm about to log on boys Unless I'm getting I'm pretty sure this was the guy Okay Ian Wallace is in the Facebook Yep I don't have it Check you spam It's not in there I was like, great, looking forward to it. I'm about to log on, boys. Unless I'm getting – I'm pretty sure this was the guy. Ian Wallace is in the Facebook. I don't have it. Check your spam. It's not in there.

It's like, well, 600 other people have gotten it. So I don't know what to tell you. It's definitely in there. And we went back and forth with him for ages trying to get him the link. Check again if you used the right email, all this this goes on for like 15 minutes and the thing that was most funny about it to me was the fact that this person their facebook picture is a picture of a ninja yes i just found it so funny conversing with a master of a master of stealth and sneaking around and couldn't fucking work out the spam folder of his email. It really added an extra layer to a wonderful interaction.

That is absolutely this person because I did have to do a little bit of research to find out his actual last name because he's one of these characters that signs up to Patreon and there's no hint of their last name. But I did track it down. Very ninja of him. I did. Well, not too ninja because I found it in about 10 seconds. Didn't say he was a good ninja. Yeah, yeah.

So he has a business, I believe, or he's known as, he might be a one-person trader in Tasmania, called The Creative Dojo. So he's a designer. Okay. Don't usually do that bit of a shout-out to someone's business

but I had to go on the website to check out what his surname was. I wonder if you're somehow blowing up his spot. Like the Creative Dojo is like an offshore holding account. He wants that to be secret. He doesn't want his name linked with it in some way. Well, his name's on the website. So again, he's done a bit of a shit job. He's done a very terrible job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I do love that. He's a designer and a book designer and stuff like that. And it's like, but I'm a ninja at it. It's like, I don't know. I don't know how many ninjas are really having to fucking deal with embossing on dust jackets and stuff like that. Ninja was a big thing in comedy for a little while. Yeah. Like in stand-up.

Like calling some, you know, telling a story about someone who's snuck up on you and it's like oh like a like an elderly ninja yeah ninja's a bit of a comedy word isn't it yeah pirate was in there for a bit oh yeah yeah what's the new one what is what is the the the tricks at the moment the tricks you know it's hard to comment when you haven't seen much of it for yeah it's it's it really feels like encino man at the moment where like i'm doing a gig this week for the first time since the lockdown and it's like because this has happened enough times it's and there's not really been a massive run where you can get your feet again you default back to like okay what's material that i know works what are some standards which like by now if you'd been gigging this whole time you would have worked up a few you know you'd

have a few more solid ones in the bank yeah but it's like all of a sudden i'm feeling like a mega hack because i'm going back to something like i've just been doing the same set for like two and a half years yeah but cumulative stage time it's like three months so it's like you can't be too hard on yourself but you do really feel like oh yeah just got back from singapore pretty crazy over there isn't it yeah well um in terms of like the the the the things going around we've missed a whole cycle of hackery i feel yeah well you know i was at one of the you know one of the first gigs back i've been to last night at spleen and uh one of the uh the common threads last night was dog shit material. So maybe that's the –

Oh, okay. Maybe that's it. I thought you were going to say the phrase dog shit is the new ninja. I'm like that would really break my heart if that had become hack and it's like you can't say something's dog shit now because it's – you know, everyone's using it. It's hack. It's like, oh, such a good phrase.

No, just being bad at comedy was a big common thread last night. Right, so go back and look up who was on at Spleen last night. You'll be able to work out the date for when this episode has come out. I didn't say not everyone. I didn't say everyone. I didn't say everyone. Every single person on the line. I did not say everyone.

The common thread was dog shit material. I didn't say everyone. I didn't say everyone. Every single person on the line up, the common thread was dog shit material. I didn't say the ones I saw. The ones I saw. Okay. So if you can go back and find out who I saw. Go into Splain and ask for the security camera footage and see which parts Carl's in the room for. Yeah, you can be a little surveillance ninja. Yes, there we go.

And find that out. There we go. You can watch some dog shit quality camera footage. Yes, of which there is plenty in there. Well, thanks, Ian Wallace. Thanks, Ian Wallace. He's from Tasmania. He might...

Wouldn't mind going down to Tasmania again next year. We did that... How long ago was that now? Like three or four years ago? Nah, end of 2019. Was it? Yeah. Well, by the time we get a chance to go there, that'll be three years maybe.

Probably. Or nearly. Something like that. You're right. It was about two years ago now. It was one of the last things before the old. Was it? Before the old Pando.

Oh. We did that and then like two weeks later we did Gold Coast. Oh. That was end of 2019. Yeah. And then. We don't particularly later we did Gold Coast. Oh. That was end of 2019. Yeah. We don't particularly need to go back there. No. I mean, I would like to go.

Yes. But not for this. Yes. I think I might go. It's fucking good. Might do a little – well, I was going to do a little trip off the back of the Brisbane show last year and then that didn't happen. So I'll try and do that again.

But Tassie, that was a fun show. That was fun. Yeah. Yeah. Let's maybe try and do that again. But Tassie, that was a fun show. That was fun. Yeah. Let's maybe try and go. Thanks. We might see you down there in the shadows, Ian Wallace. Yeah, bring your fucking samurai sword.

Bring your fucking lunch. Bring your little, whatever those fucking little star things are called. Oh, yeah. Shurikens. Shuriken. Yeah. Yeah. Bring your fucking monkey magic staff.

Bring your mates Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo. Yes. And Ralph Macchio. Yes. Thanks, Ian. Ian, the best name of a ninja ever. Yep. Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, Michelangelo, and Ian.

Yeah. What's the name of like the... Is there a prefix for ninjas? Is there like a... What do they call like the boss ninjas, the teachers? Isn't there like a name for them? Oh, God. Here we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was really hoping you had a quick answer. Yeah, I think a new rule has to be don't ask a question of the other person on this unless you're 100 sure they have the answer because if it's both of us going oh then it's like you can fucking hear the keyboard clacking away as we speak especially in a nerdy question like sensei sensei yeah yeah is that that'll do yeah that'll do i know that is a teacher i don't know sensei ian is what i was sort of wanting.

There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Thanks, Sensei Ian. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Nathan O'Grady. O'Grady. Yeah.

Yeah. Nathan of Grady. What if, so it's, I'm assuming it's O apostrophe Grady. Yes. What if you just like, if instead you made someone's, so you, you go surname Grady and then you go middle like If instead You made someone So you You go surname Grady And then you go middle name O-H Yep

Nathan O Grady Yeah O Grady then O O

Grady then Nathan O Grady then Well that yeah so That is a surname O Apostrophe

Yes Righty then Yes' righty then. Yes. O' righty then. Yes. Maybe I'll watch Ace Ventura tonight. Quick question for you. Yep. Nathan O'Grady turns out to be fat.

What's his name? What's his name? What's his nickname? What do you mean turns out to be? Well, you mean... Is he actually? No, I'm looking him up now. No, he doesn't seem to be. What's his...

I'll say you've got one in your head and you want to see if I can get to the same thing. Yes. Ooh, O'Grady. Nathan O'Besey. That. Ooh, okay. Nathan Obese. That's not bad. It's pretty bad, but that's what makes it good. Nathan Obesity.

It's barely riffing on the surname at all. I like it. It's taking the first letter and just fucking off all the rest of it. I like it, though. Yeah, I'm not saying it. I'm saying it's like its lack of quality is what makes it enjoyable. No, it's really good. Like, it's lack of quality is what makes it enjoyable. No, it's really good. Like, it's good enough out loud, but written down as even better to have O-B-City is very funny.

Yeah. Oh, no, I didn't say B-City. I said B-C. Oh, B-C. I don't even know what that means. O-B-C. Right. No, well, that's no good.

But I punched it up. Nathan O-B-City. We got there. Yeah. We got there. Nathan O-B-City. Yeah. It's very funny.

Okay. What was yours? Nathan O-Gravy. Oh, yeah.assey. Yeah. It's very funny. Okay, what was yours? Nathan O'Gravy. Oh, yeah, that's also good. That's all right. But look, I've fallen in love with Nathan O'Bassey. Nathan O'Bassey. It's good.

Nathan O'Gravy. Fuck, I love gravy. I haven't had gravy in a while. I had it yesterday. Really? Yeah. Paired with what? Let me guess.

Chips? No. Roast chicken? Exactly. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. I went to a place I've been eyeing off for quite a while thinking coals no it's it's the place next to walworth and i brought my kid with me and i was like you know what i reckon i'm gonna get away with this today we're gonna sit down we're gonna have lunch. And quite possibly one of the worst experiences I've ever had with my child so far in two and three quarter years.

Wow. It was absolutely intense and the worst fucking thing. It was like... She just didn't want to sit there. Absolutely not. Right. She didn't want any of this. And then what she wanted to do was instead of sitting in this nice place with this nice roast chicken roll and chips and wedges.

And I've bought all these little things that I thought would maybe shut her down. This nice place that serves wedges. Well, they were nice hand-cut wedges. Right, right, right. Yeah, they were nice. And instead of doing all that, where she wanted to sit was next to the bin outside. Okay. And then we had to do that.

So we sat next to a fucking bin. She really is your child. Yeah. She didn't sit on top of the bean. She sat next to the bean. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, so. But, yeah, first time I've had gravy in a while.

So, what, roast chicken roll with gravy in it? Yes. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. I haven't had one of them in ages. Yeah, well, I was really looking forward to it. But then I had to fucking eat it next to a bean. God.

Yeah, I'd love a bit of gravy right now. Yeah. A bit of Nathan O'Gravy? Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'd love a bit of gravy right now. Yeah. A bit of Nathan O'Gravy? Mm-hmm. All right. Well, thanks, Nathan Obesity. Yeah. You fat cunt.

Knackers. Knackers O'Basity. No, I looked at his picture. He's not fat at all. Good for him. Yeah. Maybe this will inspire him. He's like, you know what?

I've got two good nicknames ready to go. I'm porking up. Or maybe his friends listen to this show okay fuck we could be using this on him and they just start like feeding him they become feeders sneaking sneaking extra butter into his meals yeah he's not looking yeah yeah yeah yeah just just getting him pissed and like you know i feel like you know that's that's pretty well known that's the most susceptible you are to eating i guess when you're drunk on the way home. You just want to get something to eat.

Yeah. So just getting this guy pissed all the time. Or high, getting the munchies. That's another big one. Sure. Yeah. What about you go out, you start drinking early, you have dinner pissed, keep drinking. Yeah.

Then you're walking home, say midnight, and then you're classic, you're getting a slice of pizza on the way home. Yeah. know you're walking home say midnight and then you you know you classic you're getting a slice of pizza on the way home yep then you're getting home you're firing up a doobie yeah all of a sudden the munchies are kicking in yeah just see how long you can stay awake for making your body getting hungry every couple of hours before you explode like the fucking kid in willy wonka oh right i thought right. I thought this was going to be sort of like almost a new version of the intermittent fasting. Where it's like, instead of just like not eating for 18 hours in a row, just like getting stoned. Eating every 45 minutes. And putting yourself into a point where you want to eat all the time.

Yeah. But you don't really need to. Yeah. And then just sitting that out to see if that works. Constantly consuming chemicals that are making you hungry again. Yeah. Right. That's what Nathan could do.

Yeah. If he wants to live up to this nickname that we've just given him. Thanks, Knackers. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Ian Missick. Another Ian. Oh, yeah. Double Ian. Two Ians.

M-I-S-I-K. Missick. Another Ian. Oh, yeah. Double Ian. Two Ians. M-I-S-I-K. Missick. Missick. Yeah. I would have talked about this before, but there was a kid. Sounds a bit Balkan. I'm just going to name this guy. Ian Missick.

Ian Missick. There was a kid at my primary school called Ian Rabenis. Right. And very vivid memory. He, you know, many years early primary school, he's just skating by, living his life, completely undetected, just having a nice normal time. And then one day, I guess grade five,

someone in my class goes, Ian, rub my penis. And from then on, you know, he wouldn't have even thought before that how good he's got it. And then one day, everything changes. What grade is this? I guess five, maybe?

Wow, that's come early. I think. Well, maybe it was a bit later. Maybe seven. I hope it was seven. Yeah. At least give him fond memories of primary school. I mean, yeah, to be honest, I can't remember a time that he wasn't that, really, very vividly.

Once that comes along, it just erases everything from your memory. Do you, you have a childhood like that or you have a, you know, an adolescence like that and then you get to a point where you're having a kid and you are knowingly handing over that name to another human being, of which you can't help but have deep-seated feelings of, I would do anything to protect this person, but yet I am willingly handing over a name that is going to get them fucked in the brain. Surely you dive on the grenade and you just change your name.

But if that was the case, then there'd be no stupid sounding nicknames, surnames ever. Yes. I agree. And there shouldn't be. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

I mean, I know that there's, I mean, that's very like, you know, boomer generation is like, well, we had to work really fucking hard for this. So why should today's generation get it easier? Yes. So maybe it's a bit of that. Maybe it's like, I can safely say that I am the man I am today because I got called Nathan Obesity in high school and it's character building.

It's going to be good for you. It's going to be very hard at the time. What do you think is weirder, to just hand over the family name and say nothing, or to sit down the kid before prep and be like, I'm going to level with you. Here's what's coming down the pipe. Which is weirder, giving them the pep talk and bracing them for it, or just saying nothing and going, nope, they have to have the same experience.

Yeah, or this. Or not even changing your name, just like going, you know what, it's too late for me. I'm copying this one. Yeah. But when this kid comes out, they're just getting a freshie. New surname. New surname. I mean, you could give them, if, you know,

if you were married and the wife didn't take your name, you could give them the wife's name. Yep. That's a thing that happens. But what if you've both got just diabolical surnames? Clonkers. Yeah. Mr. and Mr. Clonkers.

Yeah. I mean, but that's the thing. I understand that some people are like, oh, but that's the family name and it's been going for generations or whatever. But, you know, there's people with those names. You know Coburn that's spelled Cockburn? Yes. Or there's people with those names, you know, Coburn that's spelled Cockburn. Yes. Or there's people with literally the last name of Raper,

where you go, you can't be thinking, seriously, oh, no, but the tradition involved in these names, it's like, they're fucking terrible. I'd love to know, you know, SBS loves to do these, like, documentaries on, like, mental health and all this stuff where they do these, like, very, like, earnest, kind of, like, deep dives into an issue. I want to see one of them about this yes yeah yeah us going around

to people with fucked names yes and probably you're right a lot of the time it's like grandpa or like even their parents would absolutely cane me if word of this got out like i know that's very like common in um like, Greek culture to, like, pass on the, like, the first name, especially. It's like, this is, like, my friend growing up was Greek and his grandparents were, like, didn't give the parents any option. It's like, you're naming the kid after us. This is not even up for debate. So probably it's like, yeah, a Mr. Raper that was born in 1900

who's just gone, absolutely no way is this ever being changed or taken away. I genuinely believe that this is a good idea. This is beyond funny fellas. This is a genuine real world good idea. And if it is in the style of those SBS docos where it's like, we're not being funny, we're not playing it for laughs, it's like really earnest, serious, like dramatic music of us like driving to meet, you know, Mr. Bumlord

and like get to the bottom of like why the family has never wanted to change the name. Yes. Them breaking down in tears. Yes. And at no point are we cracking gas. Like Louis Theroux style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're not there. We don't have the fucking clown nose on or anything but we're just like gary gary and what you tell the camera what your last name is up the bum yeah right so when did you first find out that this was not like a great surname yeah so we go it's like full week and we go right through the family tree so we start with one of the younger one we start with someone who's like, you know, roughly our ages or even just like late 20s, 30s. So around the time then you can assume like, yep,

their experience of being bullied with nicknames and stuff at high school would align with what we went through or saw or whatever. And then we go on. But like I think our part of it could be us saying, so what did you get at school? Like, you know, your last name's up there. Wait, let me guess.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we just pitch him and just we do as many of what we've got to see if he – and then try and get him to go, oh, fuck, never got that one. Yeah, breaks down all over again. So we talk to him. We start off with one of the younger ones. And then the end of the interview is always us driving away,

yelling at the moving car. See ya, bumsy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so we start with them.

Then we go up the family tree. We go to the dad, we go to the parent and we talk about like, cause yeah, what you want is someone who's like, yeah, maybe thirties who's semi recently had a child and not done it. So you go,

what's the thinking with you? Right. Then you go to their dad. what's the thinking with you? Right. Then you go to their dad. What was the thinking with you? Then a lot of the times we're not going to be able to get to the grandparent because they're not around, but we really try and trace back, was there someone in the family who put forth the memo? Yeah.

Under absolutely no circumstances is this name ever to be changed. Yeah. And how much can people really care about their family lineage? Yeah. Hosted by someone who uses a fake name on changed. Yeah. And how much can people really care about their family lineage? Yeah. Hosted by someone who uses a fake name on stage. Yeah. I think it's a genuinely good idea. Yeah.

And thanks, Ian Missick. Thanks, Missick. For the idea. Not that we think Missick is a terrible name, but I don't know. It inspired another terrible name. Although that would be good to then, you know, that first show comes out and then we go,

fuck, we've got to have another idea. Let's do another one of them, but just with people with sort of boring names. Just boring ones. So then we just go to people. It's not even surnames, it's first names. Ian, did you ever think about changing your name? Not really.

No, go to the dad. Ian. Yeah. What are you thinking, Ian? Oh, that's all right. Okay. All right. Next one.

It is one of those names. Like there's certain names that are just so, and obviously it speaks to a different time, but it's so funny to imagine anyone ever looking at a baby and going, that's a good name. Like, I'm fascinated with the name Tony. Like, just the idea of someone looking at a – I cannot imagine anyone in 2021 looking at a baby and going,

I'm going to call that Tony. It just seems insane to me that that was – there was ever a point in history where it was like, that's a cute name for a baby. What do you think is the most baby name that then is not that appropriate when they grow up but is extremely appropriate for a baby? Goo Goo Gaga. Oh, yeah.

Lady Goo Goo Gaga. Lady Gaga's daughter, Goo Goo. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jeremy Mortimer. Okay. Again, another one I had to do a bit of research on because his email address was Jeremy.Bullfrog at something else. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Okay, the Bullfrog. That's all it is about, the Bullfrog. I met a Jeremy the other night who goes by Jez, which always seems strange to me. I don't know if it's something I'd be doing if I was a Jeremy. What would you do? I guess I'd just stick with Jeremy. Something about Jez. What else is there?

Yeah, those are your only options. But Jez, I don't know. Jer. Jer. You know those abbreviations? Remy. Remy. Yeah.

Is that where Remy comes from? No, it's not. Remy's like a French name, isn't it? Yeah, but that's cool. You could trick people into thinking you're French. Yeah. You could trick people into thinking you're French. You could trick people into thinking you're a little rat that knows how to cook. Yeah, yeah, you could do that, Remy. I'd be happier with that.

Yeah, Remy's a cool name. Yeah, it's all right. It's better than Jeremy. But just a grown adult man introducing themselves to me as Jez. I was like, this feels strange. It does, to me, feel like that's something that someone else should call you rather than you say, this is my name. That person should be saying, my name's Jeremy, and then his friend should say, just call

him Jez. Well, actually, the other thing that made it strange was that this was a friend of mine's new boyfriend. Right. And so it was her introducing him going, this is Jez. Right. And I was a bit like, I don't know if it's up to the partner to be doling out the nickname as a first introduction to the friends.

Don't you think? Well, the partner said he's... Yeah, the partner was like, this is my boyfriend, Jez. And to me, it was a bit like, I reckon you... You know, they're like a month or two into dating. So I reckon you stick with Jeremy and leave it to him to go, please, call me Jez. I agree.

I could not imagine my wife saying, have you met Chando before? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. This is my husband, Changa. Not bad. Not bad at all. It is just a million miles away from a thing that would actually happen.

Yeah. I mean, a friend of mine, his wife refers to him by his surname. Oh, yeah. So, you know, they're out there. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Would you do that with...

This guy's got bullfrog attached to it. Bullfrog, I'd love. Yeah. This is my boyfriend, bullfrog. Yeah. Oh, yes. Frogger. Frogger.

Bullfrog. Oh, you know what? You know why this is? Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Is that that? Hopefully not. Jeremiah was a bullfrog, but Jeremy wasn't. Jeremy was.

Yeah. Jeremy is. Oh, is that it? I don't know. Is that it? That's like a, you know, you'd go into someone's room and that's like a positive affirmation. They've got stuck up on the wall. Yeah.

And it's like, it doesn't even really make sense. But I don't know, good for you. If it pumps you up in the morning. I've taken on the mantle from the late departed Jeremiah. Yes. I thought about doing that, putting up some just like positive affirmations around this room. But I have people around too often. Yeah.

I'd get bullied about it. And the positive affirmations would have to be working overtime to counteract the fucking teasing that I would get from them. Yes. Having like, you're great, up on the wall. Yeah. Look, it would make me feel better if you did that. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Well, if everyone else is getting a little something out of it. The legend, well, not the legendary story, but, you know, something like that was, Hughsey used to do a bit of that before he was famous. Very early on, a bunch of other comics at the time go into, he lived with another comic. Yeah. And they were around visiting him. Yes.

And he's like, get a load of my roommates around. Yeah. And they go in there and it's like, believe in yourself. COVID's not real. Hang in there, baby. What if that's actually what it was, just the cat on the power line? That's Hughsy pumping himself up to get on the glass house. Yeah. And, yeah, of course, that ended up working out pretty well

on that house, mate. It could have done with... Everyone else in that story on skid row. Yes. Comedy skid row. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Wouldn't wish their career on your dog.

It's very funny because it's like, where's that story come from? You know what I mean? It's like, who's put that story out there? It has to have been the other people that saw the positive affirmations. Yes. Which is so funny because the only thing that makes that story good is that Hugh's a superstar and they're not. It's very funny to be like, anyway, look at me now.

I'm a complete cunt. I agree, but I think it's more the angle of that story's coming out going, oh, look how big Hugh's he got, but then everyone else is like, and it's even funnier that your career is dog shit. And they're going, oh, we didn't really think of it like that. It's a bit of them trying to do tall puppy. We were concentrating on Hugh's. Yeah.

He might be famous now, but back in the day, he used to be a bit of a fucking dork to try and make himself famous. Yeah. And it worked. All that kind of stuff is like only embarrassing if it doesn't pan out. Yeah. Like if he becomes a nobody, then sure, that's hilarious to have like a big pump-up shoot in your room. Yes.

Yeah. Whereas the other people attached to that story were on the dole then and are probably on the dole now. Fuck shit. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks, Jeremy Mortimer. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We better pause this. Let me just get the door. Fill time. Oh, there must be someone here. We better only do one more. One more name. I wonder who's going to be out there. Someone's coming in.

Maybe it's a guest for a bonus episode coming up. Are we going to put this character on the air or are we just going to finish this? What are we going to do? Do we want to give... How many more have we got to do? There's only one. Oh, there's only one more left?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, well, let's just quickly do the last one. Yeah, let's just do one more. It's actually the last person we're about to read it. He's actually turned up. Oh, right. Okay. So thank you very much to the fifth subscriber this week,

Tom Ballard Comedy. I would never support this program. All right, thanks everyone. Bye. Bye.