The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 581 - Ben Lomas & Nick Capper

Episode Date: November 17, 2021

This week we're getting medical with BEN LOMAS and NICK CAPPER! Two of our best mates have had recent health scares so we go full Patch Adams and try to ease their ailments by doing what we do best: crackin' wise about someone else's misfortune. You'll hear all about Ben's out-of-control rash that landed him in the emergency room, Capper's attempts to put some of his "little Cappers" on ice and so much more! Plus we find out live on air whether Karl has Covid, and Tommy's finally cracked open his new favourite recipe book! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Ben Lomas and Nick Capper. We have a few live shows coming up that there are tickets still available to. January 15th, the big 500th episode, the much-delayed 500th episode. It's at the Athename Theatre. It's the biggest show we've ever done. Handful of tickets left to that. That is going to be absolutely massive. So get in on that, littledumbdumbclub.com if you don't already have your tickets. Just a reminder, if you've got tickets to Heathcote on December the 11th, make your way up there or get on our little Milan party bus.

Just don't forget to go along. But, yeah, like you said, for all the people who have got the tickets to the 500s that bought them two years ago, don't forget you've got them. If you're in any doubt, check the cupboard, check your email, have a look. Do a deep search of the inbox. Yeah, those tickets are still valid for the new date of January 15th. And speaking of, we have a new date for Brisbane that we mentioned last week, January the 29th, for the big live podcast and stand-up show

and then the live Talking Dumb Dumb Club across the street. Yeah, if you have your original tickets for them, they are still valid. So we will see you in Brisbane. We'll give you a little email and remind you about that. But yeah, they're the big ones. Some other dates coming soon, but that'll be coming in the weeks to come. Yes, littledumbdumbclub.com. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode.

But until then, enjoy this new one with Nick Capper and Ben Lomas. Hey mates, welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week Thank you very much for joining us, my name is Tommy Daslo And with me as always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler G'day DK Joining us today we have two very special guests Please welcome into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Ben Lomas and Ben Kappa Comedy Yes Oh we're back, finally Ben Lomas and Nick Capper. Comedy.

Yes. Oh, we're back. Finally. Who said comedy was dead? Big comedy fans who are on social media, they would have seen this news this week. Huge. Health-related issue relating to a comedian, friend of the show.

So, of course, that's why we've pulled this episode together. Nick Capper, where were you when you found out that Danny McGinley has COVID? Oh no, you're going to reveal that Lomas has got gout. Sorry. Oh man, I wish it was just gout. Do anything for gout right now. Gout would be sweet. Gout would be awesome.

We do have two guests here that have both had major health concerns. And we thought, this would be awesome. We do have two guests here that have both had major health concerns. And we thought, this will be funny. Let's get it together. They're both close to death to some degree. Yeah. So, yeah. Actually, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'll be fine. What about you, Kev? Man, the weather's been bad. I'll tell you what. Fucking cold days in Melbourne. Yesterday I was wearing shorts, you know. Hey, fever fever that's been playing up. A lot of pollen

in the air. Keeps sneezing. Who would have thought COVID would be the least of our troubles? Such a fuck around. To be fair, we couldn't get Danny on to talk about COVID with him. Have you got the all clear yet, by the way?

I need to get tested. In fact so Yeah this is just to deviate quickly Before we get into These two guys And their health issues So yeah Danny Danny McGinley has COVID

Yes He didn't know When How long he had had it for So we had to go and get tested Because he had been on this show In this room About a week before

I believe he got it From trying to bring his kid to the pub It's like It's sort of affiliated with karma It's believe he got it from trying to bring his kid to the pub. It's sort of affiliated with karma. It's like he got it off the back of his head. Well, he went around all the different pubs in his area that day trying to find a place that would let him have his kid in there. Yeah, the pub was the only place that was clear of COVID. Yes.

And he wasn't allowed in there, so he got it. Yeah. So – That's where they were hoarding all the backs. So how did you find out? He called you and told you to go and get tested? Yes. You know how I found out?

Through you. Yes. Not a direct message from the person who actually has the COVID who should be passing it on. A very Danny McGinley move to just relay that information to the person who books him for gigs. I will say he was copying a lot of calls and I said, I'll pass them to Tommy for you.

Right. And then how long did you wait? Immediately. Okay. This is great and all, but what the fuck's the result? I don't give a shit. To be fair, immediately, because then you're like, I'll go get a Tesla.

I'm like, cool, you go and do that and then I guess I'll find out from your result. Yeah, very nice. Very nice. Yeah, thanks for discussing this in front of Lomas and I. We don't have enough on our plate. This is a bit of a lighter subject matter before we get into your fucking death rattles.

Yeah, this is the last time you're going to have fun after you find out that this room is a tier one exposure site because Carl's been out every night running gigs and has surely contracted it at this point. You better not have fucking got it. You hear me, you piece of shit? Didn't you bring a test today? Yes, I do.

I have. But I've got a test, so we're going to test you right now. Oh, wow. But I'm in two minds about this, okay? Why is the box handwritten? Right. So I do have a test for Carl, but the thing about it is if you test positive. I've got to close my eyes and the thing about it is if you test positive

I've got to close my eyes and then you put it in my mouth I get it yeah bend over no the problem is if you get tested it's not the fact that

now this becomes a tier one site and we've all got COVID but then it fucks me for the next two weeks because then I can't work because you've given me COVID sorry hang on hang on

what work is when you get back me covid sorry hang on what work is hang on yeah yeah what's this work thing so but you said you've already been tested or you have not been tested okay and the and the results were positive that's why i'm here damn it this is the worst podcast ever hang on do you get the crisis payment if you've got COVID? That's all I want to know. Oh, but fuck's sake. You ought to be a professional COVID getter. Yeah, they've cut me back to 400 now. I'm fucking starving.

How about this? If this becomes a dear one's side, I'm losing money and you're making money. How am I the immediate guy that definitely has it? Like, what are the rest of you guys around about? You could have it. Why am I the immediate guy that definitely has it? Like, what are the rest of you guys writing about? You could have it. Why am I the guy?

What are you talking about? You run comedy rooms. Yeah, you've been to comedy gigs after telling me you weren't going to do comedy. I've never done stand-up. Lomas, we know that comedy attracts the healthiest people.

They don't waddle in there huffing and puffing. Fresh from their wellness retreats. We're all fit. In fact, Kappa's recently lost weight. We'll get to that. I love it how we're dancing all around. The hell that we've gone through.

Are you going to do this live on air? Yeah, let's do it. Am I doing it? Yeah, you're doing it. Just to make sure. How long does you going to do this test? Are you going to do this live on air? Yeah, let's do it. Am I doing it? Yeah, you're doing it. So just to make sure. How long does it take to get the result? So 15 minutes. What a fucking moment this would be.

Carl testing positive live on the air. This is some good evergreen stuff as well. A listener. New listener. Keep talking, keep talking. I'll set it up. In two years, there'll be something worse than COVID. It's fine.

They'll be able to relate it back to here They're like Oh remember when they laughed about COVID Yeah Or remember when Chandler Found out he had COVID And then he died four weeks later Well this will be

This will be the new Chandler strain We'll be ripping through Fucking parts of the world In two years time And people can look back As the dawn of that When it spreads to Thailand

In three weeks Yeah For sure Yeah I've never I haven't seen one of these yet I wanted to I wanted

they're hard to get aren't they look are they hard to buy they're hard to open apparently now what you want is just absolutely

finger that swab before you give it over to me okay so what we've got now we've got the little nasal thing that I'll be inserting into Carl's anus

oh you're not gonna do it are you do I do it or do you do it? No, no, I'm doing it to you. That's how it works. You can't. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm professionally trained, okay? I've done the course on YouTube. All right. Just remember, I haven't booked you for any gigs yet. Yes, but the idea of shoving this up your ass makes me so happy. I'm actually really nervous. This is really stressing me out. Yeah, absolutely.

Imagine looking at it and it comes up as positive and then all our lives are fucked for the next quarter. Yeah, exactly. That's why I don't want to do it.

You brought it. Look, I think we shouldn't do it. Or should we do it? No, I think you should do it. Okay, we'll do it. Yeah, you've got to commit to the bit.

Even if the bit will ruin us all. I mean, look, if it's positive, we may as well just sit here and churn out a fucking 10-hour ep. Yes, exactly. We may as well just do episodes. You guys may as well just move into my office. Yeah. Yeah.

This is being on a wire. You shouldn't do this to me. Why can't I do it? You can't do it. I'm a professional. No. Yeah, he's a professional. He's done the YouTube. He's watched the YouTube clip. No, this shouldn't do this to me. Why can't I do it? You can't do it. I'm a professional. No. Yeah, he's a professional. He's done the YouTube.

He's watched the YouTube clip. No, this is not good. No, don't. Just let me do it. I can do it. I can do it. Who hurt you? Well, I know he's about to.

Fucking hell. I don't see any time. This is, I can me too you for this. It's fine. Just do it a little bit. It's all right. You can have a lollipop after this. All the way up to that.

You've got to touch all the way up. Keep going, keep going, keep going. Don't push it. Wing. And then wiggle around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One, two, three. I don't think he went in deep enough.

Do you know? I don't think he's gone deep enough. Do you know? I don't think he's gone in deep enough. I've gone deep. I think you've got to go deeper. Now, cut your balls. Sorry. No. Next one.

Other one. What? You do two. Two, two. Here we go. Why is my nostril different to the other one? I'm thinking you didn't get a test last week if this is a shock to you. Yeah.

No, but this is just what it is. They're not putting it in, but... Yeah, but they're not doing it for fucking 20 seconds when they do it. Oh. Oh, my God.

You're just fucking freestyling. This is not what you do. What a white powder on the end of that Q-tip. What's going on there? All right. Now what do you do? So what? now you stir it

Now you piss on it and you wait for the little lines to turn up Yeah, I've got to see if my nose is pregnant I've got to stir it Squeeze it Alright, okay Alright, so you're letting it sit now for 15 minutes or something? Is that what's happening? God, we're nerds

Are we really recording an unboxing video of a rapid antigen test? What happens now? How much are these, by the way? Can you talk into the mic, you fucking idiot? What do you mean it depends? What, do they have the bloody crazy Clarks one? They've got one for kids that's got the Flintstones on it. Talk about yourselves.

Let's talk about health issues. All right, can you just let it sit there and we can talk about something else? We're nearly there. We're nearly there. God. I thought you said it takes 15 minutes. Open that for me, please. Yeah, okay.

What's this? God, this is a real procedure. It is a real procedure. So you had to watch a whole YouTube video. Yeah. Okay. It says positive. Oh, thank you.

All right, so Wow, so this is what it's like to find out kind of the opposite of pregnant Like you're not going to see anyone new, you know Yeah Do we now, we just have to wait, right? Or do you do other stuff? Oh my God, it's disgusting I'll keep you on mine

There we go Can you fucking tell me Hello, yes? Or do you do other stuff? Oh, my God. It's disgusting. I'll keep you on mine. There we go. Can you fucking tell? Hello, yes. Jesus Christ. Have I got three hands? Yeah, well. Do I have three hands? To the actual thing we're trying to do, which is a podcast, you fucking idiot.

We came in with the best rolling start, you know? There we go. God. Thank you. Now, I'll just put it here. This is a pro podcast, mate. It's not like your one. This is a pro one. Hey, don't back down. People listen to this. Well, they're trying to listen to you. Now, I'll just put it here. This is a pro podcast, mate. It's not like your one. This is a pro podcast.

Hey, don't back down. People listen to this. Well, they're trying to listen to you. This is extreme podcasting. This is like some real man on the wire shit. This is the thing that you should sit there and we find out at the end of the episode so we can talk about other stuff. Lovely.

Here we go. Can you do that? This is modern jackass. All right. We're done. All right. I'm going to hide. No, no, no.

Don't touch it. Leave it there. Leave it there. I'm gonna hide No no no Don't touch it Leave it there No no no You can't touch it Touch it Cause you could wreck the reading You can't move it once you've done it So you have to leave it there

That's another thing you've made up Alright Now it just sits there Oh Carl's like Shaking it around Turning it upside down It's like he's scared No no

Stop Carl Stop doing that I'm covering it He's trying to throw it out the window Let's concentrate on the episode Okay Here we go I don't want any distractions Right It's like a Polaroid It's like a myth Stop doing that. I'm covering it. He's trying to throw it out the window. Let's concentrate on the episode. Okay. Here we go.

I don't want any distractions. Right. It's like a Polaroid. It's like a myth that you have to shake it a lot to develop it quicker. It actually ruins it. Steals your soul. It overexposes it. This is something we can look forward to at the end. Okay.

Now we can concentrate on other things. And maybe for one of these minutes on this podcast, Lomas can get back on mic. I'm on mic. He's doing the Lord's work. Yeah, I'm doing the Lord's work. Giving you the all clear. You've got to go work after this.

Yes, I do. So, again, there's a lot riding on this. Hence, I'd rather be in denial than I know what these results are. Let's say it's positive and then we all just have to isolate in this room for two weeks. How long before we're in a four-way fucking royal, either punching each other out or in just an orgy? How many days do you reckon we lost?

What about if it was just a three-way and one person just wasn't asked? I'm not... Yeah. So, you know, I've got the PC here. We have Netflix and everything on there. We've got stuff to watch We'll be set for entertainment

For a little bit That'll get us through Maybe today We put on a movie No we'd watch All our favourite movies So what would Your favourite movie

If we're stuck in here 1989 Batman Okay This is going to be A long two weeks Michael Keaton Batman Is your favourite movie Michael Keaton Batman

Really Your favourite movie First movie I saw in a cinema And it never got topped Well it got topped? Well it got topped for a few It was Robocop 2 when I was a kid But then I saw it again I saw it again in my late teens

Robocop 2 I love it Is it up there with Godfather 2 as the greatest sequel? Well yeah I mean Obviously as I got older, I got better taste. I actually like Robocop 1 better. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Robocop 2 sucks. It's terrible.

I've watched any of them. I haven't watched anything. I'd be keen to watch that because I've never watched Robocop. Oh, you've got to watch it. Oh, well, now I'm barricading for me to have that. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, Cap has two picks. So we get two picks each for our isolation film festival. Lomas, what have you got? First one would be Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. Yep., what have you got? First one would be Ace Ventura Pet Detective. Great pick.

Second would be Police Academy 5. They're off to Miami. I've never seen it. I've never seen that one.

That'd be fun. So good. I've seen that one. I saw it on Miami Beach. What about you, Carl?

Your two picks. My two picks. You're designing them for this situation where we're all watching them, I'm assuming. I think it's like we're bringing our two favourites to the table.

So we're all in there together. If we do Ace Ventura, can I keep rewinding the bit where he finds out that it's a man? Yeah. That maybe is not Ace well. But I'm just going to keep rewinding it. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I'm like, I'll do it. I know your two picks.

It's Ace Ventura, Pet Detective, just for that bit, and the new Chappelle special. Is that right? You kept laughing about it before we wrote the podcast. You were like, I just watched it again, guys. What if you brought in your VHS copy of it, and it's just blurred, that bit, from just overuse, overwatching. But it's like the Finkler just overuse over watching like it over and over but it's like

the Finkler's Einhorn t-shirt on but do you remember that was the case with Basic Instinct do you remember Basic Instinct that bit

you'd hire it and go oh here it comes and it's blurry blurry blurry it was the VHS days yeah so hang on

so what are your two oh god I don't know because now I'm trying to think of something that would... It's a crowd pleaser. You want something a bit fun. You're not running a gig here. Cap has got us covered with some kind of like camp,

like late 80s, early 90s action. Low Mass has brought the comedies. So maybe think about like a little gap in the schedule. Billy Madison. Yep. Oh, yeah. Great. Great.

Billy Madison. Have a good time. The big two. Two big Adam Sandler. Great. I would have not picked that Billy Madison. Yep. Oh, yeah, great. Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore. The big two. Two big Adam Sandler's. Great, great. I would have not picked that from you. Yeah. Easy.

That would be fun. Recently went back to Happy Gilmore. Loved it. Held up. So good. Anyway, my two, Requiem for a Dream and Ken Park. Great. Just to mix up the mood.

We've got too many comedies in the mix. We've got some actions. Drama hasn't really been represented at all. You're right. Am I too late to change mine to Gummo and the other one that I did? What was it? The one where all the kids rooted each other and got AIDS in the end? Kids?

Kids, yeah. What's that film called? The one with the kids. I haven't seen that one. Well, there you go. Actually, we're going to do a film festival now. Yeah, this is pretty good. Screening Tommy's pics in the day.

Started off good. All right, breakfast. Let's get back to the news at hand. You two have been poorly to some degree. We're very. In the last, what, three, two, three months? Yeah. Who wants to go first? Me for. Which one three months? Yeah. Who wants to go first?

Me for. Which one of you shit motherfuckers wants to go first? Well, I'll go first. Yeah, because I don't know what yours is. Let's go chronological. I think yours was probably first, Lomas. So it's been hard, but having a 10-inch penis. I thought you were in the hospital.

You got three inches taken off I wish mine was only that big Yeah when I went in there like are you the elephant man comedian? So with me I actually talked about it on the pod four years ago on this pod

with Ballard I had a little lump in my neck and I got it tested because I didn't know what it was had a biopsy it was fine That's weird because Ballard in the same episode had a little lump in my neck. Yeah. And I got it tested because I didn't know what it was. I had a biopsy. It was fine. That's weird because Ballard in the same episode had a big lump just below his chest. And he didn't get that test.

Oh, fuck. Jesus. Jesus Christ. So, long story short. And this was when you were really worried that it was bad. Yeah. That it was going to be bad. So, was this true? You were eating a lot because you figured, well, I'm going to have cancer and be on chemo that it was going to be bad. So was this true?

You were eating a lot because you figured, well, I'm going to have cancer and be on chemo and I'm going to drop this. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah. One of my million and one excuses. Plenty more than that. I found a bit of cancer, Wayne.

You never know. I mean, two, me and the growth. Are you training for a marathon? I'm training for cancer. Just watch the Lance Armstrong documentary, Time to Eat. Are you tapering? So am I at KFC. So I had a lot of scans and stuff,

and then I found that I had a lymph node in my groin, which was quite inflamed, quite large. What's his name? Larry. I don't know. Got a biopsy of that, and they look it's looking all clear but you know because there's a history of cancer in the family uh maybe there's a one percent chance it could uh turn into cancer right so i said look let's take it out it's a day procedure so i thought okay so that's what i did end of july uh got it taken out testicle

taken out uh what's that what are your lymph nodes so what what did you it taken out. Did you get your testicle taken out? What's that? Your lymph nodes. So what did you get taken out? The lymph node. Do you know what a lymph... Stop projecting, mate. I just listened to one of those stories. I was like, how come I don't know this? He was trying to find out if he was a hack or not.

Yeah, so what did it look like? But the first time around, they took the lymph node out, and then two days later, the area just got insanely infected. Like a bug got in, and so what was a tiny little scar turned into an infection the size of, I reckon, about a mango. Wow. And it swelled all the way across. It was just so ugly.

It was red. It was raw. Have you eaten a mango since? Don't know. Sorry, I can't eat mangoes. I'm off them. What was that? They remind me of my infected dick.

Why does Lomas never go to Sunshine Coast? Can't get him to eat a Whisper for love nor money. Lucky he wasn't trying to cross the state border or anything. Confiscated it. I never want to do fruit picking again. Did he get infected because you had a fruit fly in there? Is that what happened? So then I had to go back to hospital,

and then I was there for a week. So it was just like antibiotics, antibiotics. In the end, what they had to do to get rid of all the pus, they'd have to stick a needle in it every day and suck out the pus. Hang on. When you say they have to suck out the pus, they had a device for it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, so someone was trying to siphon petrol out of a stolen car or something.

Well, no, this is the weird thing is they would do it the needle and then it just wasn't working and then one night one night one night because it would swell up so they take it out and then it would fill up again and because the antibiotics on the drip didn't have kick in so there's one time where i was like this is not true 100% true because i filmed it and i can fucking show you oh it's on camera so i said i said to the nurse it's like you know goes, I can try and squeeze it out. It'll really hurt. And I go, yeah, you know what? Let's give it a go.

I am sick of this. So she presses down on it and starts breathing. And it is killing. And then suddenly the amount of pus that comes out of this starts flowing. And it really kicks in. And then she wipes it away. And then as it's happening I'm groaning

I'm just like and then at one stage I just go this brings me back to Thailand by the way I'm discovering a new kink it's moving down there guys but that's what it felt like

I felt like I was cheating on my partner because I was like oh oh Julie Julie telling your wife now look she squeezed me stuff came out it was yellow okay different colour I'm like, oh, oh, oh, Julie. Julie.

Telling your wife, now look, she squeezed me, stuff came out, it was yellow, okay? Different colour, it's not cheating. She didn't swallow, it's fine. I was like, and then she's like, and then when it happened, I was like, just it was, the relief was phenomenal. But then she started giggling. I was like, what's so funny? She goes, this is my favourite part of my job.

Wow. Because I love doing this. She's like you, loves watching a bad, what a lot of people would think would be the worst part of comedy, watching other bad comedy. Yeah, yeah. But you love it. That's like her.

She's like, I'm watching this guy's leg just absolutely bomb. Just two. Puss and shits coming out of her. Two Schadenfreude fans collide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, man. So what? That's why you're in hospital?

No, it gets so much worse than that. That's a good thing you're buttering us up. This is the cold open. He hasn't even said live from New York Saturday night yet. So then that happens. I get out of hospital after a week. I'm like, oh, okay. So I got told to heal, take a lot of antibiotics. I think it was like i was on pills and then i finished them right

finished them a couple weeks maybe four weeks after that like you know went to the doctor's looking pretty good and then five days after that i started getting a little rash on my leg oh my god i was like a little rash and i was like oh and i was like oh it's kind of underneath where the operation was but it's a bit weird. And then it started growing a bit. So I went to the doctors and they said, you know what, just go to emergency. Just go to emergency. Just because you've had issues before. I rock up an emergency at 4 o'clock in the afternoon.

4 o'clock in the afternoon and it's starting to hurt a little bit. It's starting to spread a bit more. Anyway, I go into emergency and like what they do is if you have a rash that's growing the doctor comes in and goes yeah look

hopefully antibiotics will kill it if it looks okay he goes what I'll do is I'll draw a texture around the rash because if it goes

past the line then we can see how fast it's growing so he goes there gets a texture draws draws a dick and balls on your leg

he's like you got me doctor the doctor's medical procedure is is like having a teenager and owning a bottle of vodka at home. It's like marking off how much they're drinking. Absolutely.

Good theme hospital. Every time you're under for anaesthetic, you wake up and they've drawn a cock going in. All the doctors place a bet on which side it's going to reach through first. It's like crab racing. Like, come on, boys. Come on. Go towards the head.

Who flies on a wall Yeah So he goes He draws a line He goes Oh no This texture's no good I'll have to get another one

To finish it Goes and gets another one Comes back a couple of minutes The rash has gone past Oh my god So they went Oh this is not good To be fair

Where did he go Chadston to get the texture Or where did he That's a key part of the story I mean there's a lot Going on in emergency I was like Come on Hurry the fuck up So then to get the texture that's a key part of the story I mean there's a lot going on in emergency I wasn't like come on

hurry the fuck up so then but then by then it gets crazy because then they were like oh this is not good and then they did

a couple more tests and then they came back saying just so you know we need to operate on you as soon as possible have you eaten anything

right now I hadn you eaten anything? Right? Now, I hadn't eaten anything. And you said, look at me. How long have you got? No, but the thing about it is, like, someone had thought I was having surgery. And so they'd given me sandwiches. So I'd eaten some sandwiches and a biscuit.

And they were like, please don't tell me you've eaten anything. I was like, oh, no, we've eaten anything. And they were like, well, we can't do anything about that. Because the reason why you can't eat before surgery is you get reflux right just because you're laying down and then it goes up your esophagus and then goes into

your lungs and then you get ammonia oh that's weird yeah so that's why you can't eat because it's really hard for the

anaesthetist I thought it was the prize at the end of the surgery like you get to eat after I just always assumed it was one of those old rules, kind of like you can't use your mobile phone on the plane,

which most people just assume. It's like, come on. That's like downing a plane, just getting on a bit of 4G while I'm up in the sky. It's just an antiquated rule that they've just got to keep around. I assume maybe it was like, oh, we don't really want to smell it if he shits himself during surgery. Wait till everything's out of here.

Fuck. So anyway, so then things are happening. The rash is getting bigger. want to smell it if he shits himself during surgery wait till everything's out of here fuck so anyway so then things are happening the rash is getting bigger there's more surgeons coming in

and then they think it's something called necrophagitis now necrophagitis that's when they fuck you when you're dead right dead fascist

oh no not again karma that's the third spot in the second bracket of spleen Anyway, so So Things are moving really quickly Now, this is in lockdown So what's necrophagitis?

So necrophagitis is a flesh-eating bacteria So it's flesh-eating And so the only way you can deal with it Is cut it out You have to cut every bit out of it. Antibiotics doesn't do anything with it. You just have to cut it out. But to be fair, if it's a flesh-eating bacteria,

you've probably got three, four weeks before it finishes you. There's a lot there. Jesus. If I was fatter, it'd work. The bacteria was like, I'm full, honestly. Why didn't you do the other thing? I had lunch just before I hopped into Lomax. Why didn't you call up Carl Chandler for moral support at this stage? I was ringing him every night.

Carl, I'm on death's door. I bet you can't fit through the door yet. No, I'll take the credit. Carl did call me a lot in hospital, which was a level of... I seem to cheer up the bacteria more than anything, though, to be fair. Put me on. Put the phone down there. Put on speaker so everyone can hear me.

So then it's getting pretty dire. I can't have my partner in there. Yeah, because it's locked down. It's locked down, so it's crazy. It's happening. There's a lot of COVID in your ward and stuff oh yeah yeah so covid it's already that's already was starting to kick in so there was already covid patients in there they weren't it wasn't a covid patient operating on me

hey how you going i tested positive much like this podcast oh and i got covid and he was was knocked out. So things happen. It's like we have to go in there to determine whether it's necrophagitis. We think it is. So the sooner we get in there, the more we can save of your leg. Oh my fucking God. Yes. Oh my God.

Now that's when I start. It just becomes insanely surreal. This explains why you did hop in today, right? I just noticed something missing about you. Walking in a circle at the front of my house. Yeah. So then it just gets dire because it's like, well, you have to sign this stuff before you go under.

And one of the ones was you have to give permission to have your leg removed from your hip. Fuck, man. And it was the most fucked. So you went under, signing that off going, I could wake up. Yes. As Hopalong Lomax.

I could wake up and I will have a show for next year's comedy. Yeah, I was going to say, did you go, which one did Hilsey get off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I quit drinking. Never thought I'd be legless again You know, there's your Thanks and goodnight

Because, you know You speak to your kids Going, hey I don't know how bad it is But I just want to say I love you Like, it gets fucking dark And I'm really sorry

You'll never be able to sit on my lap again My knee, sure Not my lap But that's the kind of So when I went under And they put the mask on me, I was just like genuinely having those moments like, well, I guess this is it.

I've had a good run. There's no more running. Yeah, I know. But that's what it was. And I was like, oh, you know, and it was the same thing. I was like, you know, I should definitely... Did you think for a second, oh, there was, and it was the same thing. I was like, you know, I should definitely. Did you think for a second, oh, there was so much things I wanted to do with that leg. No.

I wanted to kick that guy. No, it was really weird because, I mean, one, I was really annoyed they were playing John Mayer. Like in the background. Yeah, that's what the surgeon like. I know it was weird. Your body is a wonderland. It's not a wonderland. You're taking away one of the rides.

It's a haunted theme park. What's a theme park without a leg? One part's closed for maintenance. I don't think it's coming back. I want to run through the halls of my high school. I'm not running anywhere. It is so awesome. Actually, we need the hall and mirror

just so it can look like I've got two of these legs. It is so awesome. Actually, we need the hall and mirror just so it can look like I've got two of these legs. It is so awesome doing a podcast that rides your festival shirt. It's amazing. So I went under going, oh, I've had a good run and I've had a good life. I don't know what's going to be life on the outside but at the same time at the same time

going I don't want to wake up oh it was really weird because I was like I was too scared to see what was on the other side

yeah that's because when you come out of anaesthetic too like you're fucked you're so groggy and it takes you like a few moments to recalibrate anyway

so that plus potentially knowing that you're going to have to like have that phantom leg thing or whatever. And so when I went under, like I went under, but when I woke up and I was groggy, it was like four o'clock in the morning. I was the only patient left in an emergency because I had to get another surgeon to do it. Because I couldn't fit anyone else in the ward. Sorry. I've got to jump on now. I've got to jump on.

Kevin! There's so many madder people. Yeah, but they're not here. I know. I know. No, that's the last one. But when I woke up and I just tapped the right leg.

Oh, my God. That was one of the best feelings I've ever had. Just going, fuck, it's still there. Like, it's still there. Good prank for the nurses would be rub numbing gel all over that leg. Oh, yes. I was going to go to hit it and feel it. No, no.

It was freaking right out. Rub numbing gel all over his hand. But see, that's not the end of it, right? Because then what happened is I had to have not one, but then another operation as well. They had to keep going back in to see if it was still there. So it was like they didn't find it, but then they had to go back and do the second surgery

to close up the wounds. And every time it's the same thing of like you might come out and not have a leg? The first one was the serious one. The second one was patching it up. But after the second one, it was really bad because after the second one, I got transported to the wrong hospital. So after the second surgery, I woke up in a different hospital with just old people. It was like a nursing home.

I woke up in a nursing home and I'll never hear this I turned around I thought this is not my room I was like this is really weird and this old lady was staring at me right and just going

you're not supposed to be and then long story short I went downhill from there because I was on the wrong antibiotics then I was rushed back to the other hospital and then I spent another week and a half trying to work out they fucked up though Long story short, I went downhill from there because I was on the wrong antibiotics. Then I was rushed back to the other hospital.

And then I spent another week and a half trying to work out. They fucked up that. So in the end, maybe nothing was wrong with your leg. Maybe you just had fucking color blindness or something. There was definitely something wrong with my leg. Fuck. And I only became an outpatient like a week ago because then I had to become, I was part of the, like, you know, the head of infectious diseases

looking after my case because they still don't know how I got it. Right. They still... How can people get it? Well, so for me, they reckon it was a tiny little cut

that this type of infection got in and then joined, as they think, with two other types of infections to create this absolute monster. And they say, they say that if I rocked up 24 hours later to emergency, I would have definitely lost a leg.

Fuck. But even worse, they were like, you're lucky the infection went down. Oh. Because he goes, if it went up and got to your heart, you'd be dead. Fuck. Whoa. Oh, my God. Wow.

Anyway, tickets on Saturday, $32. Oh, my God. Wow. Anyway, tickets on Saturday, $32. You know, I'm very glad you're all good, but I do love the image. But. I do love the image of you on stage coming out with one leg going, comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think I could even do that. So, anyway. Good to be here. In fact, I was able to get a disabled park out the front, so it's good to be here in fact I was able to get a disabled park out the front so it's fucking great to be here

anyway see you mate that's another little dum-dum podcast for this week I do love that you did tell me

afterwards you were like you were so happy and like weeks later you were saying it's giving me a new lease on life I've been like so

happy and so positive it's really changed me I'm like cunt the only thing you do is scream come on in it's not like you're the grim reaper or anything you're a fucking happy I've been so happy and so positive. It's really changed me. I'm like, the only thing you do is scream, come on in! It's not like you're the Grim Reaper or anything.

You're fucking happy already. No, I am happy, but it genuinely... It puts everything in, like lockdowns and stuff, it puts all that into it. Everything. It puts so many things... It's a weird thing about it, not to get all... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm turning to my podcast, but it's just like I've got more patience.

Like I'm not snapping at everything. Like I just genuinely, because I was facing a fucking shit fight. I'm not out of the woods yet. Like they say it could come back. Like I have to be really careful. Can we test you for that now? Drop your darts. I'll get in there

i'm good at finding a rack so yeah i love finding a that was me so hey cap i heard you've got a root canal the big tooth

yeah the real chomper yeah no but that's weird man because i saw photos of you in hospital and i really wanted to send you a

message going hey i hope you're okay but i thought oh he's probably getting bombarded with messages. And then when I went to hospital and everyone sent me a message, I was like, oh, God, that felt good. Yeah. I feel so bad that I didn't send Lomas a message.

I'm sitting in hospital like, you know, the person I'm thinking of is Ben Lomas. The guy I see three times a year. Fucking, I feel bad about Ben Lomas. Yeah, yeah. No, man. I actually, I feel weird because, yeah, fucking, I, mine was really bad, but I don't, like, oh, yeah. So let's spell out what's happened with you.

Yeah, well, basically, I was just riding my bike a lot in lockdown, just riding my mountain bike heats. And then I just felt a little bit more sensitivity in my testicle. Yes. And it was like, it kind of felt like there was like a little pea joined onto one. You know what I mean? Oh, like the classic tale of the princess and the pea. Yeah, it was fucking, I don't know what that was, Carl.

What was that riff? But the princess and the pea, the fairy tale where they could tell who the princess was. They put a pea under like 10 mattresses. And she could still feel it. She could still feel it. The princess sleeping on your dick and going there's cancer in there so that proves you're a real princess you

could feel a pee on your testicle yeah yeah well yeah it was a bit like that because I was bloody um I'd never I've never voluntarily gone to

the doctor you guys know me my my head could be falling off and I'm like I'm not gonna go to the doctors regularly nah who cares I haven't got time

for it that's smart yeah I know this is after this year you've already come off a motorbike and woken up in hospital yeah yeah like covered in a big like scrape yeah on your back yeah and uh so but for some reason just thought i better go get this checked out and uh yeah was um and i i called a friend who was uh he friend who rides mountain bikes a lot, and he's like, oh, yeah, man, there's a bit of pain there. You've just got to sit back on the seat and wear these special jocks.

Just so the listeners know, Lomas is checking his watch as you're telling this heartbreaking story. No, no, no, I'm expecting the results from the hospital right now. We've got the results uh you're bored testicle who cares i've nearly lost a leg um yeah so you get the special she's like oh look yeah and i looked it up on the internet they're like yeah you get pain from riding a bike yeah so i went to the doctor he's like yeah if there's pain there it's probably not a cancer he's like usually there's no pain okay but because you're in the age group we'll get you looked at right and then uh so i got an ultrasound and um yeah it was funny i went and got an

ultrasound at the place and uh there's this lady and she's got a rub gel on your scarf and all that, right? Yeah. And I was rocking the biggest forest of all time. Yeah, but that's fine. It was very, very crazy. So you, the drapes smushed the carpet. Yeah. How it's supposed to be. The drapes match the carpet. Yeah.

How it's supposed to be. We don't need to know about how you're looking as well, mate. Okay? Let's just hear about Kappa. And there was the... 70s style. And here's a funny dum-dum thing, right, that happened, because it was in Richmond, and then they had those smash pop-up burgers in Richmond, right?

Oh, yes. And I was going to meet up with you that day, Carl. And I pulled up my pants after it and I looked out the window and I was like, oh, smash burgers is here already. And she goes, oh, are they good? I'm like, yeah, they're real good. And then there was a bit of silence. I go, what a way to spend a Saturday, huh?

Hoping that she would laugh. Like, you have to feel around my balls. And she's like, yeah, anyway, we'll see you soon. She's seen it all. She's seen it all. She's heard all the ball jokes. Yeah, she's doing this all day. Oh, buy me dinner first.

She's probably used that three times a day. Oh, man. Yeah, it was fucking awful. So, yeah, anyway, I was just like, oh, didn't think anything of it. And then I got the call. And then, you know, when you get the call and then they're like, you've got to come in. You've got to chat.

Yeah. You don't want to do it over the phone. Nah. I've had those ones, don't you? You can do it over the phone. It's like a girlfriend. Hey, let's meet up in this park that's halfway between both our houses. Oh, here we go.

This isn't a date. There's no weapons in this park that's halfway between both our houses. Here we go. This isn't a date. There's no weapons in this park. It's equidistant. It's like an easy trip back for both of us. There's a lot of witnesses. I think it'd be a great place to just have a picnic. You always want to go to that park. I'll bring a mate along.

I don't want to bring a mate along for this one. Let's see what the mate's doing an hour after that. See if they can meet you somewhere then at a pub or something. Do you mind if tissues? Probably going to talk

to Bing like, nah, not here. Let's meet at the park so I can give you these results. Let's meet at the supermarket in the aisle with the tissues yeah so

yeah he called me and he says like there could be a chance you've got a a tumor they don't never want to alarm you right

so they go a tumor or a growth and you're like a tumor a tumor he had it ready on the video're like a tumor a tumor he had it ready on the video

might be a tumor fuck let's watch that if we're all two weeks kindergarten yeah that was

great but it's so funny because I'm like oh man I thought you were going to tell me I

had a cancer and he's like no that's a cancer oh fuck the old the true wait that was

the full sentence It's not a tumor Or a growth Long pause It's a cancer It could be a tumor Or a growth And I was like

I didn't know a tumor Was a cancer So I'm like Oh a tumor Oh that's fine You know So it's not a cancer And he goes

Yeah it's just a cancer Yeah yeah So yeah So he's like We're gonna Tumor's got some big Good PR people working for it You know, you hear Tumor

You don't think great But you think Oh yeah, this is workable This is manageable I don't think cancer can go Well, it could be a good cancer Yeah, exactly Tumor's a flip of a coin

There's still a little bit of hope Yeah Tumor's like A harsh thunderstorms prediction, but really it's a fucking cyclone coming

towards you. Whereas cancer's a roll of the dice, but it's one of those 12-sided Dungeons and Dragons dice and every

side of it says get fucked. There's one that's like maybe you're okay. He's like,

we're going to have to operate as quickly as possible because these things grow fast, so we'll try he's like, we're going to have to operate as quickly as possible because these things grow fast. So we'll try and get you in as quickly. So finish your burger and let's hop in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll wait for the fries. We'll wait for the fries. I was like, at least buy me dinner first. He's like, I haven't even touched your balls yet. I just told you you had cancer. Oh, sorry. I came when you said cancer. That's on me.

Leon Smashburg is, they're out of Tullamarine today. So good. Yeah, so, yeah, he said, yeah, we're going to have to operate as quickly as possible. Now, was it like Lomas, the thing where he couldn't eat, you know, for like a day before you had the operation? So So did you have to come Everything out of your bowl First before you had to operate Yeah

I thought of that I thought Oh is this my last good wank Yeah Like a rental car Just fucking empty The tank before you take it back And just

And just not a lot of motivation Given you've just had that news You're like Oh Yeah I guess I better do it Yeah The doctor telling me that But then he sucks me off That's pretty horny I guess Yeah you're like oh yeah i guess i better do it but the doctor telling me that but

then he sucks me off that's pretty horny yeah they're like oh fuck what if i punch it accidentally while i'm jerking off you know that was actually one of my thoughts but what was the turnaround from them saying that to you then getting the operation man it took ages because i was public hey just a little advice out there. If you can afford private health, do it. Do it. How much I disagree with you. So public's the good one.

Public's the one that saves you. Private's the one where you spend a shitload of money and anyway. Yeah, all right. Yeah, I don't know. But fuck, yeah, it took ages to get me through. Yeah, I don't know. But fuck, yeah, it took ages to get me through. And yeah, so I was okay with it.

Because as far as I was told, all we've got to do is just lose the nut, then it's all good. Yeah. So how long were you waiting? So you did get told that literally, it's like, right, we're going in, that's coming out. Yeah. Say goodbye to your little friend.

My partner's like, you've got to ring this private guy. Get a second opinion, you know? And I was like, what a fucking waste of time this is. Anyway, I'll ring. It cost me like 200 bucks to talk to this guy, but it was real funny because my doctor is very professional about it, tiptoed around it, and he calls me. He's like, mate, basically, what's got to happen is that nut's got to come out. Sounds like a mechanic yeah yeah

I was gonna say that's worth 200 bucks that's good am I talking to Mick I used to work on the cotton farm with yeah and so go to your doctor

they've got like a calendar with like a nude pinup woman on it yeah mate just have a look under there it's fucked that nut's fucked that nut. Yeah, mate. Just have a look under there. It's fucked. That nut's fucked.

That nut's fucking cactus, mate. He's got a nut and he's got a pie and a fucking coke sitting in the desk. You've got to leave it overnight, mate. You've got to leave it overnight.

Fuck, I've never had a doctor with a high-vis vest on before. I just came to get him checked. He's like, nah, the nut's got to come out. Now just lay down on here. Hey, I'm leaving it at the oil tray. I'm in the cum tray.

Anyway, it really helped. The guy was great. But that's what he told me. Did you have to go and store any spoons? Yes. For possible little kappers? So I was like... I love you dad

yeah wipe me out yeah well this is the weirdest fucking thing ever right this is the weirdest

thing ever because they go because we rang around we're like fuck we've got to get the sperm stored I didn't really want to do it

I was you know I was like it'll be fine you're like I've got gallons under my bed they're like

that's too old yeah but what do you mean you didn't want to do it because they were like oh look it'll be fine. You're like, I've got gallons under my bed. They're like, that's too old. Yeah, but what do you mean you didn't want to do it? Because they were like, oh, look, it'll be fine. Like they said, look, your nut's going to come out, but usually it's good. Oh, God, the miso's making me go and have a wank into a cup. What a waste of an afternoon. Anyway, because we're in such a rush,

my father rings me and she's like, look, the only place we could get you in is at the children's hospital. Why do they even have a place set up for this? I was like, finally, I can do it legally. Finally. These are three words. It's a trap. I was like, oh, that's pretty good. That's a trap Yeah I was like

That's pretty good That's the only place I haven't jerked off To be honest Is it your festival show To catch a predator Yeah Was the first clue

It's in the playground You gotta do it Yeah The children's hospital We start you off With a happy meal Hopefully that gets you chubbed up Then we take you into

The Starlight Foundation room for a bit of Xbox. See the meerkats on the way out. We're going to stick a nugget up your ass. Put in the hot coffee code on GTA. Do you want a porno to get you started? I go, no, I'll just use a picture off the wall. Just take me on a little tour, thanks. The only implication being that they have pictures of all the patients

dotted around the hallway. Anyway, no, it was fucking... It was the horniest time of the year, the Royal Children's Hospital, Peter. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, fuck. So you were at the children's hospital and you were in... Well, this is the funniest thing, right? I was so scared.

I was like... Of wanking? Going up to the reception. I was afraid. I'm here to have a... Yeah, exactly. Now, look, you're going to think I'm insane. Please, I'm going to need you to take your hands away from the phone

or any emergency police buttons. You're going to think I'm insane and you're going to probably say to me, stop, you've already started doing it now in reception. I know it takes me a while. Just point me where to go. But I'm not interested in you. It's you all. Hi, I'm here to be my surgeon, Ronald McDonald.

Do I get to make a wish or what? Yeah. This is my whiff. Just been able to jerk off and everybody knows it. So, yeah. Because you've got all these ideas in your head. You've spat on yourself in the middle of that story, by the way.

Oh, fuck. You made another deposit. Fuck it up. You've got all these ideas in your head because you think that, well, it's just going to be a big sign saying, guys jerking off here. Kids, do not come in here. But anyway, to my relief, but not to my relief,

it wasn't the children's hospital. We got it at the women's hospital. Oh, yes. Okay, now we're talking. Harbor, harbor. A natural place to do it. Yeah, but it was just natural place to do it. Yeah, but it was just a door in the wall.

Didn't have a sign or anything. Well, you just did it into the door. What a glory hole. What? I just thought it was going to be some big neon sign. Literally like telling a sausage down the hallway. Come in this room. Fill this room up It was

So you mean you go in And it's just a very Like nondescript Yeah it's very nondescript And they don't have Customer service people They've just got the scientists Right

So you've just got Did they give you like Pornos or anything like that Man This is probably The biggest regret ever I walked in there And they just had

A video Like a Just a TV Just Milo and they just had a video, like just a TV. Just Milo and Otis. Just a TV and a remote. No, just CCTV of the rest of the hospital. Milo and Otis. Milo and Otis. Some poor woman with bronchitis down the hallway.

Yes! So you're in the room And Yeah They had the remote there And just the TV And I was gonna talk But I was like

This place Has probably been Fucking painted Many a time Yeah Including the remote Yeah But

They did have This is worse than the sit down comedy club Spare flat up Yeah Yeah Fucking aliens With all the 70s pornos in it But they did have This is worse than the sit down comedy club Spare flat up Yeah With all the 70s pornos in it I've been in that position before Where I've had to get a check And had to go into the room

And jeez into a cup Yeah And the TV and the remote And it's kind of brutal Because you like turn it on And it's at the exact point That the person before you Check the porno

Do you really Do you really need the porno Can't you just do it Well there's like I don't know it's all kind exact point that the person before you checked out. Do you really need the porn? Can't you just do it? Well, there's like an answer. What kind of scene have you got on offer? What do medical people think is like the best porn for this kind of situation? Also, you're in a sterile environment.

You're at the women's hospital. There's just white walls. Are you that fertile that you're like, nah, I think I'm still good? I think that's a bit personal, but I'd have no problem. that fertile that you're like, nah, I think I'm still good. I think that's a bit personal,

but I'd have no problem. Not an issue in the world. No stage fright for your car. Absolutely. They're like, Mr Lomis, you have to close the door first. Let's just put it this way. Let's just put it this way.

Let's put it this way. If that comes back positive, you're going to see a lot of me waking up. You're just going to walk around Princess Park you're like I'm a bit chubbed up I might pop into the room at the women's take care of business

are you like me during lockdown instead of shitting you were doing something else getting half way down the street I ate a lot of bread doesn't take me much

we need milk again really into homey the funniest thing is they had two charcoal drawings of nude women. Oh, there you go. And then just one painting of like a European port town. Right. And I'm like, oh, lucky I haven't travelled in a while. Imagine being on Emirates.

Oh, just watching that. Oh, yes. The Riviera. So it had that and, yeah, it was. So your boys are on ice? Yeah, yeah. It was funny because, I don't know, I was trying to. So this is their swan song.

This is your last hurrah of a fully lethal jerk-off session. Yeah, and I felt so weird about it because, yeah, my ball was getting bigger and it was getting more and more painful. Right. And I was like, yeah, I just felt so shit. I felt so horrible. But, yeah, it was fucking – I got into the car and I was just ruined. You know, I couldn't – After you'd finished. Yeah, it was fucking – I got into the car and I was just ruined. You know, I couldn't –

After you'd finished. Yeah, yeah. I was just – because they just – They asked you just to do it once, but you did it five times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also the funny thing is I know you guys have all jerked off and I know you'll probably do it in the future, but I don't know when. Right?

Yeah. And it's so weird knowing – like, you're filling out the form and someone's like, yeah, you can write all you want, buddy, but we know you're going to fucking jerk off. Well, also, when I went... He's jerking off there. I did it early enough in the day that I went and then the waiting room fills up with people behind me.

Yeah. And you go in and it's like, when are these people booked in for? Because it's like, this takes as long as it takes. So going into that room and closing the door and knowing that there's, like, when are these people booked in for? Because it's like this takes as long as it takes. So going into that room and closing the door and knowing that there's like a waiting room of people that are waiting to get in there after, you know what I mean? Like the rest of their day is just dictated by how fast you can come. And like you open that door and walk out and everyone's like,

yep, we know what's happening there. Oh, man. It's fucking bizarre. Oh, I didn't, yeah, I didn't. Like that's so much worse than what I went through, you know. But the funny thing is they get the sample, right, but you want to just get in and out. You're just like, hey, here it is.

All right, bye. And then the guy's like, oh, stick around. We've got a few more forms. But the guy took the sample and then he put it in this cube thing that's like moving. Right. Like that they use for science. To keep it.

Yeah. Yeah. Just with heaps of other sperms. They just put it in the thing and it's moving. But what if it's moving? Like it's got this rotating box. They just keep it fresh. Yeah, keep it fresh.

Like a milk to make sure the sediment doesn't go to the bottom. Yeah, like in a slush puppy, the fucking thing moving around. Right, right, right. Now I get it. Now you say slush puppy. A bit of blue syrup in it. Delicious. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've never had a white slush puppy before, but sure, okay. Yeah, and then I went home and, yeah, just really just waited for the operation. Look, guys, I tell you what, the anti-vaxxers, they were right. You know, like it didn't hold things up at all. Like it didn't really fuck up everything for me for like three weeks. They're on to something. Don't believe in science. Just let some dude at home look at his testicle get bigger

and have a heart attack for like three weeks because they can't get you in operation because you're back of the line, really. But yeah, they got me in, cut the bloody ball out, and then I couldn't walk for fucking five days. Is it like a tooth? No. Do you put it under the pillow? Wait for the ball fairy.

The nut fairy. No, they wait until it goes hard and it's a ball they use at the children's hospital. Chuck it on Marketplace, surely. Anyone who needs one. Is that the ball pit at the children's hospital? All the kids diving into it? Someone paid to pay for it. Plaster of Paris in your heart out.

Yeah, so it was pretty brutal, and I've still got to – I'm pretty sure I'm out of the woods. The tuba markers have gone down. I've got to go under heaps of tests, and then I'm under surveillance. But, you know, you don't want to – like you, Lomas, you don't want to get deep, But I never saw a doctor before this. But just if anyone, listen to the podcast, if you've got the slightest lump on your nut or your breast or whatever,

fucking get it checked. Don't wait. Don't wait. Don't fucking wait. I was so lucky. I was so lucky I had pain. And I was so lucky that I wasn't working. Like, if I was working, like, I would have just put it was so lucky I had pain. Yeah. And I was so lucky that I wasn't working.

Like, if I was working, like, I would have just put it off, you know? Yeah, yeah. Lucky, yeah, lucky for the pandemic. Yeah. Pandemic finally paid off. Man, and my partner was telling me, hey, stop lying on the couch playing with your balls, you know? But look what it led to, huh? Like, of course. I was like, who's right now, you know?

Let's just say You got a lot Like Lomas We got to ask How did you get it Is bombing carcinogenic Is that how you got it But it's true And also don't wait

Like even if it's something trivial And you're like I'll sleep on it If I fucking slept on it I would have been fucked Yeah Just go to the doctors And check it out

Yeah Just get it checked out Buddy Because yeah You never know what's – and because so many – I got so many messages off, you know, from dumb-dumb listeners and people like that who were like, yeah, mine was brutal. Because I might have to do preventative chemo.

I don't know yet, but probably not, you know. Yeah. But I only have a 30 30 chance of it coming back which is still kind of high but not really yeah whereas people that put it off it fucking comes back tenfold yeah like it comes back on you tenfold yeah so and then and then it's no it's not just a little bit of chemo it is full blown there for weeks on end yeah sick and all that jazz yeah so fucking women's hospital is even busier now so you'll have to be batting off in the lord smith animal hospital yeah yeah

which is across the road yeah burning off down the road but i do hope i have to give another deposit so i can go back and actually see what's on that tv yeah yeah well i wanted to make you a little get well soon gift. And I also, you said you're now, like, you think you're out of the woods. Yeah. But there's, you know. There's always a chance. There's always a chance. And for all of us.

And so you guys might not know this, but in the middle of lockdown, I bought Belle Gibson's cookbook off eBay. Her now out of print and unavailable, except on the black market cookbook, of recipes that are... Cured her cancer. And so I'm going to have to leave the room to get this, but I cooked up something from it last night. A little snack that we can all enjoy.

Amazing. Ah, yes. This is culinary chemo right now. Yeah, yeah. So I thought I'll go... I'm just going to have to run to the other room. This will make sure me and Lomas don't get it either. Yeah, exactly. This is amazing. I'll go and get'm just going to have to run to the other room. This will make sure me and Lomas don't get it either. Yeah, exactly. It's amazing.

I'll go and get him and dish him up, and then we can all protect ourselves. We might not be protected from COVID. It's the cancer vaccine. Yeah, exactly. I'll be right back. Can you one sec? Yeah, I'm going to, you know,

I feel better already, to be honest. Yeah. Well, it's funny, though. Even just talking about this, like, as traumatic as it is, like, you know, it's the way we deal with it. Just, like, fucking make fun of it. Yes.

Yes. And lovely of you blokes both to come in and make light of a serious situation. But yeah, God, it's better than fucking being doom and gloom about it, especially because it's happy endings. Yeah. Let's say. Yeah. It's really funny, though, because you bloody, you do comedy or whatever.

And I try not to talk about it. You know, and I try not to talk about it. You know, like I only want to talk about it in ways of awareness. I don't want to make it about me. But then I did a gig with Hughsey on Saturday night, and I'm just talking to him. He's like, oh, yeah, I heard about the thing, and I talked about it. Anyway, I get a call. I get a message from Hughsey's radio station.

They're like, hey, mate, we're just wondering if we could talk to you on the show about prosthetic testicles. Oh, I see Husey. Yeah, here we go. But it was good. You know, anything to spread awareness. Oh, so you have a prosthetic in there? No, no.

They said, do you want one? And I'm like, well, I said to the doctor straight up, it's not going to look any better. Yeah. It's not going to, like, I don't know a woman that's a fan of symmetry. Yeah. If you've got a fucking dog turd and you're like, oh, I'll tell you what, I'll make that look better,

another dog turd next to it just hanging next to it. Can you maybe just center the remaining one, maybe just to make it look a bit even? It does go in the center a bit more. Oh, does it? Yeah, and you don't notice. You honestly don't notice. Prove it.

I'll show you my scars if I'll show you. Look at that one right there. It does raise a question, Tommy, because this is the number one question I always had for you on Cancer Corner. Does it hurt? And apparently the answer is yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, mine did. I think mine was pushing on a nerve or something. Like it was just the growth. Right. But, yeah. And it grows so quick. It was going crazy.

It's so lucky. They grow up so fast. And also, Tommy Tommy what do you think about this revelation another rooster in the hen house how are you feeling about this situation

it feels good having someone in the clubhouse it's good it's nice to have someone in the brotherhood this is

we should announce this now Tommy that we're doing a double act called the cancer boys we're touring RSLs and hospitals. What about the chemo bros?

Yeah, I mean, if you do have to go, I hope this doesn't happen, but if you do have to go through chemo, that beautiful head of hair. I know. I don't reckon even chemo could knock that off. You know, I'm already there. So I look like I'm going through chemo.

So that's when we do the tour. I'd love to hear a song like, I got a computer, he lost a nut. Cancer boy. Don't you wish you said that had happened like fucking 30 years ago so you could have gone to Disneyland? Yeah, I know. Is there any adult make a wish?

Where would you have gone? If you were 12 and you had cancer and you got to make a wish, what do you think you would have wished for? Monster truck rally. Do you know what?

I would have just wished to have gone to Sydney because I think I'd been to... I think I'd been to Sydney once in my life. Right. That's... Yeah, that's brilliant.

That's what I need to do. I need to, there must be, I mean, a laptop is pretty bad but there must be, I need to try and get onto the Make-A-Wish

and find the records. There have to be people that have ones as bad or worse than my ones. I want to go on the rollercoaster and learn to park. I want to see a movie

in the cinema. Yeah, no, you know what you get? You get people that'll be like, oh, I want to meet Mickey Mouse or I want to meet Santa movie in the cinema. You know what you'd get? You'd get people that would be like, oh, I want to meet Mickey Mouse or I want to meet Santa. And so you're just meeting some cunt in a fucking hat.

Absolutely. And they must be like, are you sure? Like maybe meet him at Disney World so you get the trip as well. No, just wherever. Just down the street. Yeah, just Ringwood Shopping Centre. I want to go for a ride in my uncle Danny's car

anyway I'm going to try one of the onion bhaji oh wow god okay I can't you let me know how it is

onions don't sit well so it's like a shallow fried kind of crispy onion fritter could be a bit warmer I had to kind of heat them up before you guys got here is this the cancer Is this the cancer?

Is this the cancer? Are we eating cancer? Yeah No this is saving you Oh it's really You're alright That's alright This is one of your

So what's in it? Onions Onions Turmeric Bit of batter Cummin And Anti-cancer Cooked in coconut oil Turmeric, a bit of batter, cumin. And anti-cancer.

Cooked in coconut oil. Oh, yeah, nice. I would have to say, if I had to pick whether this was getting rid of cancer or giving me cancer, I would definitely vote for giving. Now, guys, now that we've eaten these and we've talked about Bell Gibson, if anything comes out in the media that I don't have cancer, they don't know what they're talking about, right? You know what I mean? How many of you faked it just to get a ball cut out for free?

A bit of cosmetic surgery. Don't go ringing any hospitals, all right? What they couldn't hear because it was on a podcast is that when I said I have cancer, I was doing like the air quotation marks around cancer. But that doesn't travel in the podcast. Yeah, I didn't do it for a free suit, okay? I would never be that broke

or destitute. Or it was just a long game to get into the children's hospital. I always wanted to see what it was like. Yeah, here's his radio station. Can I go back to see what it was like. Yeah, Hugh's radio station. Can I go back to the children's hospital? Yeah, probably Hugh's station.

You lost a ball. I opened a packet of balls and they're all dead. I was at a gig the other night and someone on stage said that there's a rumour going around that Hugh's has COVID. And it was like a really, there was like some kid from tiktok was on the bill so the crowd was all these like 20 year old people there to see him and i turned to the person who runs the gig and said that in in response to this rumor about hughesie having covid i was like opened a packet of snake the live the other day couldn't smell any of them i thought oh fuck i've got the rona and this person was like you should say that when you get up there. I'm like, everyone in the audience is like 21

as if they've ever fucking heard of Husey's Snakes Alive routine. But the idea of me getting up and doing that and then just to absolute silence wheeling out a Husey impression. And them going, then going, who's Husey? Yeah, absolutely.

That was my first gig back I thought of you with this low mass Got on, bit rusty Four months without doing a gig I was open with like Anyone planning to travel anytime soon? And this kid goes Yeah, me, I'm going to Europe

And I'm like Oh, that'll be good I'm back, baby! Four months hasn't felt the flame at all. Still good. I've got to approach you about this, Lomas. Something big, but it's pretty funny. But we were talking about, before we started the podcast,

going to shows that you know are bad, right? You love doing it at a comedy festival. You went to one 21 times this year didn't you yeah yeah yeah it was really interactive you know it depended on me to be there um by the end of it i almost knew it off by heart but uh one of one of my first comedy festival shows, Lomas and a mate came high as fuck. To your show. Yeah, and it was me. I think we were pissed. When you see Lomas at your show, that's like seeing the Grim Reaper.

And he laughed all the way through. And I loved it so much. I was like, but one of the best things is because it was a very poorly written show. Of course, it was an action hero show. I think at one start, because I was very pissed and I remember laughing a lot. Yeah. But all I remember is one part, you were pretending to be a helicopter. Yeah, a toy helicopter comes out and saves me.

I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was so funny. The show went way too long. And I remember you thought the show was over, but then the helicopter comes out. And the helicopter comes out to silence, and then what saved it, though, was Lomas giggling in the background.

He goes, it's still going. What was the premise of that show? It was like you've been flown to Iraq to stop the war by doing comedy or something like that? Yeah, they said it was... That's a long time ago. They put a bomb in Saddam Hussein's stomach and it didn't go off. And the only way to make it go off was to make him laugh. They needed to send me, the world's best comedian, to do a gig for him for the bomb to explode.

Actually, it's a pretty good premise. I should bring it. It is good. About four people saw it. And you'd retire in the show. You'd done a gig that you'd killed too hard and people actually died or something like that. Yeah, I did a gig and I killed so hard

I killed my wife and child that was in the crowd. No wonder you got cancer fuck yeah yeah yeah so uh yeah it was i always remember that and i you know obviously you know you came there as a friend and stuff but also you were like that you took a moment like this show is going to be fucked well he didn't want to go he didn't want to go he's like oh every time you take me to comedy, it's just like... And also because it was another friend who I still stay in contact with that you did with Xander as well.

So I remember you go there, but also when you guys started doing the helicopter stuff, I remember just... And that's the only bit I actually remember because I remember just laughing. Xander Allen had one of the best lines ever in comedy. I would love to steal it whenever he emceed. He goes, well, tonight's the night. We've got a lot of comics on.

We've got a few that should be on the TV. It's a real who's that of comedy. I don't think that's a visually hip thing. Yeah, a real who's that of comedy So you can have it Yeah Thanks guys Alright we got one more thing left to do

To wrap this up Oh well Oh yeah Can I I got one little thing Well Can we start I gotta fly

Oh alright Okay okay We gotta fly Should we do that Big announcement Oh okay Yeah Oh

Sure Alright Drum roll Drum roll Drum roll Drum roll Test results Test results

I don't even know what I'm looking at Tell me what it means Oh god he's stuck Oh he's stuffed it He's absolutely Who put the extra thing on I did I put chewing gum on the top of it

To hide it. Ladies and gentlemen, he has herpes. He's very much in the clear, Carl Chandler. What does that mean? So that's the control line. So if there was another line there of the same colour, you would be positive with COVID. If it was like Like a Like a fake

Like a sort of Like a faint line Then you'd have to Either do it again Or then go get a PCR test So I'm not having a bad day Guys

No After this episode You guys better get a sponsorship From fucking Big Hell I know Like what the fuck This episode brought to you By the rapid antigen test

They're having trouble Shifting them guys Get down and pick one up This is what they play In the Rapid Antigen Test. They're having trouble shifting them, guys. Get down and pick one up. This is what they play in the waiting rooms from now on this episode. Yeah. But before we go, go see the doctor. Go see the doctor. Just go see the doctor.

I know we harp on about it, but you've just got to do it. In general. Yeah, it's a good time. Just go, you know, like some people say people from the country are stupid. Sorry, I was on my phone. I might go after this. Yeah, yeah. Go see the doctor.

Yeah, you know, everyone's sending photos of their boobs and their balls to people. You might as well get the ultrasound person to do it. Get a real blurry one that makes a sound. That's a good app. Send an X-ray to someone. Yeah makes a sound. That's a good app. Send an x-ray to someone. Yes. That's a good app. It takes a dick pic that gets sent to you unwontedly and forwards it to

a medical professional. Then get back in touch with the sender. That'd be funny if you sent a dick pic of your balls and then someone goes, oh man, you should get that checked out. I think that probably does happen. Yeah, yeah, I do too. I reckon that does happen a fair bit.

I haven't seen a Ben like that before in ages. I imagine that you're a porn star. It's like, I think I saw an anal polyp in there when you were popping it up to fucking Kaiser. I didn't want to stop the shoot because I'm a professional. We're really in the moment. All right, we'd better wrap it up for another week. Ben Lomas, Nick Capper, thank you very much for joining us.

Thanks for having us. Thank you. You guys both have podcasts. Ben, you've got Fitbits. Yes, go check it out with Mandel. And I've got the Phone Hacks podcast. And I've also got Flat Stick with Brett Black. And tomorrow, well, today, when this gets released,

we are releasing a shower beer holder called No Dorks. It's for those that want to have a beer in the shower. We started this in lockdown, and to be honest, I thought Brett would get disillusioned and forget about it. But no, he hasn't. Yeah. And now we've got shower beer holders and T-shirts. A T-shirt drawn by me of an EB Falcon with a machine gun and a snake in the back. Sorry, just checking my watch.

He's got the result. He's like, oh, gangrene was better than this. Can we cut this out? Can I take Kappa's throat while they take my leg? And that's at nodorks my leg? And that's it. GoDorks.com.au. Check it out. It's going to be great.

I'm surprised someone else hadn't bought that domain name by now. Yeah. Well done for getting in there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mate. Comedy and cancer. Yeah. And they've done it again. They have. They meaning various ailments. Yep. To our guests.

Yep. Diseases, viruses. Yep. The old Jack the Dancer. Yep. Rearty's little head. Mm-hmm. Jack's kicked a big one.

Is that the only... A big ball. Cap is ball. Is that the only illness that has like a little rhyming slang like that? I'm feeling a bit vague. Got the Black Plague. Yeah. Is that a thing? No, but it should be like Jack the Dancer. It'm feeling a bit vague. Got the Black Plague. Yeah. Is that a thing?

No, but it should be like Jack the Dancer. It should be a little character. Right. Yeah, a little mascot. Yeah, a little mascot. Right. So, like, what rhymes with AIDS? Metamade AIDS?

Yes, there we go. Metamades. Just that. How would that work? How would a meter maid, like a physical little cartoon character of a meter maid, would she be the one that's bowling the ball down the bowling alley instead of the Grim Reaper, like on those old AIDS ads? Well, no.

So it's like a meter maid. They go and put money into people's parking meters that are expired. They're going – they're like Jill the meter maid, let's call her, the AIDS one. It's like, yeah, they're going and looking at the meter and it's like expired and they're just not topping it up. Oh, that's the thing. Or they're hacking, they've got like two hours left on it

and they hack in and they like crank it forward. They're putting dirty syringes in the parking meter. Yeah, they're bumming the parking meter. They're having unprotected sex with the parking meter. Right. They're putting their little coin-like dick. Exactly. This meter maid is putting her coin-like dick

into a parking meter. Yeah. Right. Okay, we've got that sorted. Anyway, hope our guests get well soon. A lot of respect we have for their various complaints. Yeah. Very nice of them to come on and let rip.

Yeah. About a serious matter, but fuck. You've got to laugh, don't you, Tommy? You sure do. Especially when you're me and you haven't had any of those things. Yeah. When are you going to hurry up and get a serious illness? You're due.

I guess. Law of averages. Yeah. What's the worst thing I've had, I think? I was shitting blood there for a little while. I i did get quite nothing ever came of that i'd sort it out yeah i can't remember what i did to sort that out i think i just i think i wasn't drinking enough no i i went to the doctor but i think they were just like yeah i think you just haven't been drinking enough water or something okay yeah and also that was a bit of an old man thing where it was like yeah yeah, your arsehole's going to tear a bit if you don't drink enough water

or fucking something. Yeah. I do like how that's like an aging injury. Like when I've torn my calf a few times, it's like, oh, yeah, old man. That's the old man complaint. Your arsehole's just going to rip open from time to time. Yeah, but the calf is the old man injury. It's like, you know, and your arse as well.

You know when your arse bleeds? Old man. Just your sloppy old man shits are even going to be too much for it. It's like, you know, and your ass as well. You know when your ass bleeds? Old man. Just your sloppy old man shits are even going to be too much for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just going to fucking disintegrate like paper mache. Oh, just seeing someone walk along and just seeing their pants from the back filling up with blood going, that guy's getting on a bit. Wow.

Yeah. He looked quite young from the front. Yeah. Still got all his hair. Yeah. No wrinkles, but it must all be Botox. Yeah. Just shitting like he's 60. Yeah. He's not his hair. No wrinkles, but it must all be Botox. Yeah. He's shitting like he's 60.

Yeah. That's not a, that's not, he's not in year 12, that's for sure. He's a, he's no spring chicken. That guy with the completely red asshole. Yeah. Um, yeah. Well, we'll see. We'll see if I can rustle something up for the 500s.

Yes, that would be great. Yeah. Huge announcement. Yeah. You come out with a drip attached to your arm. Yeah. No spoilers. Huge announcement. Yeah. You come out with a drip attached to your arm. No spoilers. Save it. Yeah.

Yeah, I told you guys. I promised you something. And that's it. I've got Legionnaire's disease. What is Legionnaire's disease? I don't really know. Something to do with the lungs, isn't it? Because I remember it's always something to do with air conditioning and stuff.

Like there was some bullshit in the air conditioning. But it's one that people don't get anymore, right? Well, people got air conditioning still, so I don't know. It's some sort of like... So the solution hasn't been to fix the thing in air conditioners that makes you get sick. Yeah. Look, I haven't heard of it for a long time. But when people were getting ill from asbestos and they're like, hey, I wish there was a

way of not having these things in roofs, but we're just powerless against it. There's nothing we can do. Is it one of those things like chicken pox? Is is it it's one of these like an ad for the vaccine guys that's why we don't have legionnaires disease anymore because we've got the the legionnaires disease vaccine yep as much as you want to um that's why we all check in at the pub and we have the little hat with a flap on the back of it icon just to prove that we've got yeah no you check in at your friend's air conditioner when you're around there in summer you have to like so then if they go hey bad news i got legionnaires from my air conditioner right so you'd better check because you've probably got it too it's

one of those probably one of those ones that gives you legionnaires it's one of those things like covid where they get scared where it's like we're going into winter months that's what going to be when it's worse summer summer's legionnaires. I'd stay outside if I was you. Yep. That's why, you know, a lot of people are, you know, they're pissed off in Melbourne at the moment. We're getting close to summer. But still, we're wearing jumpers and jackets.

It's been freezing this week. Yes. But not me. Keep that risk of Legionnaires in faith. Thank you very much. Yeah, yeah. You're keeping the little podcast studio in here like the Letterman's Ed Sullivan Theatre.

Exactly. Keeping the comedy fresh in here. And keeping our lungs cleanman's ed sullivan theater exactly keeping the comedy fresh in here and it's keeping our lungs clean exactly that's au natural i'm not having to turn on that bad boy to keep the climate down in here yeah mother nature doing that all by herself appreciate it we have been close contacts of um kappa who with cancer and lomas with whatever the fuck was wrong with him again i can can't remember. Necrophilia. He fucked the dead corpse of his comedy career and got sick. He's addicted to rooting dead people.

And he had to go in and have an operation to get it taken care of. Yeah. He had his operation at the morgue. Yeah. Yeah. Where it was stuck. Now, do we have an ad or something that we're meant to be doing here? Well, I don't know. I mean, I believe you've got it in your hands.

I thought we were going to run it in the main app, so I don't know. Yeah, well, I've got it, and I think it's unfair to say a fair bit of work went into it, but some work did go into it. Okay. And, well, I've got it. I've been sent it, and I assume they want it played? Yeah, well, that was the conversation. Blake, you wanted to be on the show.

Kappa, he was on recently. So I was like, no, you don't need to be on the show. Kappa's going to be on. Like you said, you've given a little plug for their little, well, like Kappa said, they've got a plug for their little new range. Yep. Well, I mean, I guess the ad will speak for itself. I thought we were going to riff off it in the main show.

Well, I just got sent it at like midnight last night. Right. No idea what it was. Right. No context of what was going on. Right. But I've got to, look, I'll drop it in. Okay.

I've listened to it. Okay. There's not that much to riff on. Right. It's what you'd expect. It's the two of them doing an ad. Right. Okay.

But anyway, here it is. Okay. G'day, legends. It's headline comedian Brett Blake and headline comedian Nick Capper, and we have just bought an ad off the Dum Dum Club. Yes.

The soundtrack by Funky Bunny. The bunny that beat Carl in Australia's Got Talent. Man, he's pretty good. He's fucking shredded. Who do you reckon, now we've got this ad space, we can just do whatever the fuck we want in this time. Who do you reckon would win out of a fight between Carl and Tommy?

I think the world would win. If they both died. If they both punch each other at the same time and explode it? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I would like Tommy to win because I know, like, just imagine, like, being bashed by a dude with a Pokeball or some shit and then you just see a guy walk off in Birkenstocks.

What the hell is a Pokeball? I don't know. He's into the Pokemon. You know that Pokeball? It's like Pikachu. I choose you and you throw it. It's a Pokeball. He's got a Pokeball in his house, you fucking idiot.

Well, I don't know. Isn't that a Pokeball ball? We're running an ad. We're running an ad. We've got to tell them about it. How much time have we got left? We've got a new... How much time do we pay for?

We've got 50 seconds. We've got 50 seconds left. He'll probably be angry if we... Yeah. How do you reckon you're going on this episode? Do you reckon you're bombing? I reckon I'm crushing it. Okay.

Probably Lomas is letting the team down. Oh, is Lomas on? Yeah, I think so. I thought it might be COVID Danny McGinley. Anyway, we've got a new product called, we're at nodorks.com.au. It's a new brand that we released. Check out our Instagram. We've got Shower Beer Holders, Nick.

Oh, yes. What else have we got? Shower Beer Holders. And we've got a t-shirt that's drawn by me, an EB Falcon with a snake and an Uzi. Ben, what else could you possibly want? Oh, man. Please head over to nodorks.com.au. Check out all our products. Falcon with a snake and an Uzi. Ben, what else could you possibly want? Please head over to nodorks.com.au. Check out all our products.

Please buy them. We've sunk a lot of money into this, and we could end up being bankrupt. You're a person. You listen to podcasts. It's time to get cool. With a snake with a fucking Uzi. It's time to get those dicks hard and get those pussies wide on. They're going to delete all this.

But anyway, head to nodorks.com.au or at nodork69 on the Instagram. Peace. Peace. And we're back. Okay, that was great. I haven't heard it, but what he told me this morning when he sent it to you, I don't know, because I'm going back and forth with him, and then he goes, yeah, cool, I sent it to Tommy. Okay, I don't know why you would do that.

Yeah. But then he described it. Because I'm the one that's going to have to put it into the show. Sure. But then I talked to him about it and he said, I suggested, I'll do it this way. And he's like, oh, I've done it a completely different way. Oh, well, I guess just do whatever you want.

Yeah. Yeah. And what are we getting for this well look i think i think the thing was that those cunts need all the help they can get and blake you want to plug it i said you know what let's meet in the middle cap is going to be on it i bet he'll forget to do it or he'll do a very bad job of plugging it so just record something entertaining that we can play with and riff off and whatever and they've just done that instead yeah yep we'll check it out nodorks.com.au yep yep an offshoot of the other flat stick thing that isn't particularly built up as a brand for some reason there's a brand off the back of a brand that's not very

big which is kind of you could, an offshoot of this. I don't fucking know. I don't know what the fuck they're thinking. But, you don't need to know all that brand bullshit. Like, I don't know what the fuck

they did in that ad, but it's cool. It's a stubby holder in the shower. Yeah. It's fun. Little products. Are we getting,

we should get one of these for free, I reckon. Yeah. Oh, look. I'd like a little, I'd like a little suck. I don't need a, I'd like a little suck from the boys

I don't need a free one You know I'm happy to You know Just pay Absolute cost price Two cents from China Happy to chip in I'd like to be paid

In order to have one in this house As an influencer I think they should be sending me money To talk about it And you do A lot of Content from the shower I do

Yeah Your nightly live insta Yeah When you're scrubbing away And you have your little Chat As your lot of content from the shower. I do, yeah. Your nightly live Insta. Yeah, yeah. When you're scrubbing away and you have your little chat as you... My little bath time chat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you pull someone up live at about 10.25 and you're talking to... Yeah, I've got all my little toys and people send me money and dictate which of them goes

up my ass while I'm in the tub. You treat yourself like a little money box and if they send you five bucks, you put five $1 coins up your ass. A little piggy bank. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's what they call me. Yeah.

That's pretty good. I would be donating 50 cents a night because I just want to see that big old bevel-edged coin go straight up your dot hole. Yes. Yes. The little rubber ducky absolutely swimming around up in the day. I have been in that tub a lot in lockdown, though. Have you?

In all sincerity, yeah. Great little lockdown activity. Running a bath. Real good. I've been having a few baths, which is very rare for me, but only because my child has to have a bath. She's a big one at the moment for you have to be in the bath with me and you have to watch me sleep.

So it's been a rollicking two weeks. It's been quite a shithouse two weeks. I've been up since 4.30 this morning. Right. Yeah. Bath time, bedtime. Yeah. Doing it all.

Yeah. Just, yeah, who cares? But, yeah, it's not as much sleep these days. Had it too good for too long, it's not as much sleep these days. Had it too good for too long, to be quite honest. Yes, yes. So what have we got? Looking forward to what's it called? Heathcote. Yep.

That's the next cab off the rank. Yep. In a little under a month, our live comeback. Been quite a while. Like we said, the big 500th believe it or not it's actually happening

it's under two months away I can't believe it's actually going to happen and it's nearly sold out and people are buying tickets nearly every day at the moment like people have

found refound the faith in us know it's going to happen things are opening up properly and people are fucking realizing that there's a chance they might miss out on this shit so they're getting into it so please don't be one of these absolute fools and uh become involved in our little um celebration

yeah also we'll we'll have to uh solidify this plan that we had months ago that we're going to do like our little after party. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's still a thing, I believe. We haven't talked about it, but I presume we will still do that. I guess. I think it'd be fun. Yeah. Yeah.

The space is still booked out. Okay. Yeah. Well, it doesn't need to be. They can have a break if they want, but we've got the option for it. Yeah. So if we want to do... We'll solidify those plans in the next couple of weeks.

And you guys want to come and have a drink and a boogie, maybe? Yep. We'll do a bit of disco dancing. That'll be fun. And yeah, like you said, Brisbane. Don't forget, you guys, hold on to those tickets. That's the new date, January 29. January 29, Saturday, Jan 29.

Thank you for your patience as you've been living your lives in absolute freedom up there. Yeah. But we had to wait for the borders to be all okay and people to be up there and whatnot. But, yeah, January 29, we're on. You've all been waiting for so long. It's like these are basically free tickets. Yes. It's a free hit.

Yep. It is nice. I bought tickets a few weeks ago to something in August of next year. By the time that rolls around, that is going to feel like an absolute freebie. I can't wait. God. That's a big ask. It's like, am I going to want to go to this on a Friday in August?

Yeah, anything could be happening. Anyway, looking forward to getting out there again and adding some more dates on top of all of that when we get a little bit of confirmation. Perth, we'll have a new date soon, East Shopefully.

And Adelaide. Yes. Adelaide. Coming up as well I'm sure you guys are Big sighted over there To hear that But Closer to home

We've got to talk about The Patreon Patreon.com Slash little dum-dum club Where you can go And sign up And support the show And get two

Little bonus episodes Every week Always great guests on them Always a lot of fun on them Been some rippers lately So head on over there And that is how You can get them if you're on the $10 a month tier. But also you go into the draw to have your name read out and immortalized in the back end of an episode of the free Little Dum Dum Club every week.

Right up the back end. Yeah. Just like the coins going into Tommy's ass in the bar. I love that you've hung on the fact that they're coins. Yeah. I love the idea that you're like a little piggy bank. You're just ass up in the water, your little squiggly tail glistening up there and just these coins dropping in live on Instagram chat.

Yeah. Live, I should say. Just the – I love the old being watched by like seven people yeah exactly exactly that's

that's what I love the idea one of the things that'll stick with me from lockdown from here is just comedians going live and having

11 people early lockdown yeah March everyone was trying yeah everyone was trying something on like that

oh I gotta keep the ball in the air. Got to do something. And just the low figure. And them being public. And like name comedians doing it and then still no one watching. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, God.

The idea that anyone wants to sit on Instagram and just watch something for that long too. It's like, what, sit on, hold your phone out and just watch someone give a presentation for an hour? I'll look at it. I get it if you're really into it, but there was some people doing it where I'm like, I don't think anyone's that into watching you in that way or any way. Yeah. Yeah.

But let's get on with some people that we are very much into, very much appreciative of because they stoke the coals that is this fire. Yes. Let's get on with some people that we are very much into, very much appreciative of because they stoke the coals that is this fire, this podcast, this podcast that is always described as fire by the youths of today. Has anyone listened to that fire podcast? You know what? I was over this end-ish of town. I live in, how would you describe Hawthorne?

It's a bit of a – you would call it more suburban, I guess. It's getting there. It's probably like the first suburb out of the city where you're getting into suburbia. Yes. Because Richmond, you'd probably still class as like inner city. Yes, you should. But then Hawthorne is like the, that's when you're like, because then after that you're in like, you're in Malvern,

you're in Camberwell. Camberwell. Yeah. All that sort of stuff. So you'd think it's a bit, you know, there's kids around Camberwell. There's a couple of cool little bits and pieces. I mean, not Camberwell and Hawthorne. But it's not like this.

When I cross the city and come over to your neck of the woods and it's very, you know, dense with cool little shops and whatever. It is not like that over in Hawthorne. I don't mind Hawthorne, but this is different over here. So, you know, I was over this way-ish over the weekend, and you're getting a few more people of the demo that listen to this show. Okay. What a horrible thing to say about this area.

I did. You would get, I guess, recognized to some degree over here. I think there'd be probably more people. I get a little bit. I haven't been recognized from the show for quite a while, I have to say. Okay. I mean, look, haven't been going out and fucking doing anything for months. So that's obviously a big part of it.

Sure. I mean, look, haven't been going out and fucking doing anything for months, so that's obviously a big part of it. For sure. But I feel like back in the day, there was like a red-hot period where, yeah, pretty regularly I would get recognised at like bars and stuff. Yeah. I mean, I get it a bit. There's quite a few listeners in Hawthorne, Richmond, so I do get it a bit. But over here – Maybe that's what happened.

They've all grown up and moved over to Hawthorne. Maybe. Settled down. Like I've said, said you know the age of ellis they're growing with us yeah you know we do get some newbies on board but they're growing with us um but i was over at a bar over the weekend and uh you know you're not always getting recognized and being someone coming up and going hey fucking podcast yeah yeah so some people a lot more subtle i did appreciate this.

I was at a bar with friends of the show, Nick Capa, friends of the show, Brett Blake, friend of the show, Mike Goldstein. And we got a photo for the gram. We got a photo for socials. And it was Capa's housemate, Josh, that was taking the photo. And there was the next, the table of you, not you, it was probably early, mid-30 guys,

were sort of watching it all happening, sort of being a little bit too keen watching us take the photo. And then they just, they didn't say anything to us at all. But then when it was finished, they said to Kappa's housemate, Josh, are you Milan? Nice. finished they said to kappa's housemate josh are you milan nice that's the most subtle way of saying hey i listened to this podcast over here yeah do you think yeah yeah yeah that's the tell me you listen to dum-dum without telling me you listen to dum-dum yeah and just the assumption that anyone who's hanging out with that that says to me that those people go this cunt must only have three

friends so anyone else who's with him, well, that has to be Milan. There's no way it could be someone else. Anyone that we haven't seen on stage and know the face of. Yeah. Speaking of this area, my dad was telling me

he had been around here recently and he went for a walk down Brunswick Street and he goes, it's pretty rough down that other end of Brunswick Street, isn't it? And basically what he was commenting on was that there's a lot of homeless people around, which there are, especially up one end of Brunswick Street, isn't it? And basically what he was commenting on was that there's a lot of homeless people around, which there are, especially up one end of Brunswick Street,

a lot of homeless people around. But the way he described that was he goes, I just saw so many tramps around. So many tramps. That's good. I was laughing so hard. I was like, I can't remember the last time I heard the term tramp. Yeah, that's good.

I guess your instinct is to go, Dad, that's not cool. That's not politically correct. But then you think about. And it's like, I guess your instinct is to go, Dad, that's not cool. That's not politically correct. But then you think about it and you're like, it's so old school that it almost sounds like it's impossible for it to be offensive. It's good. It's such a 1920s description of like, I don't even picture like modern day homeless.

I picture like tuxedo that's just really like got holes in it and really what like top hat with like the top bit flapping off it. The bindle at the back, the spotted bindle. Tramp. Yeah. Let's bring it back in both ways. I want the homeless tramp and the lady is a. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. As a, I get what's it? It's like loose morals. Yeah. It's, it's, it's what is it pre the term slut? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Because again, it sounds the term slut? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Because again, it sounds less offensive than that.

Absolutely. In both cases, it sounds less offensive than the terms that have come after it. Let's bring it back in both directions. What a tramp. Yeah. She's a real tramp. A real homeless, loose-moraled woman. That slut is a real tramp. A real homeless, loose-moraled woman. That slut is a real tramp.

That homeless woman is a real tramp. Oh, man. Yeah, I love it. Tramp. Speaking of tramps, speaking of people that will do anything for money, that's us. Speaking of people that will give us that money that we'll do anything for, this is them first came off the rank this week off the uta after the unplanned title alternator ding ding ding number one is thank you to listener and subscriber tim unwin unwin yeah of alan and i i presume the air of yeah'd have to think so, yeah.

The great publishing house giants. What have Alan and Unwin put out lately? Yeah, good question. Let's do a Google. What have they got on the roster? Yeah, what's... It's funny the idea of like being a huge, being a big publisher head and being like,

you know, there's some like small kind of indie film distributors, like A24. I don't know if you know there's like there's some like small kind of um indie film uh distributors like a24 i don't know if you know them but like they've got their own little kind of cult of people that are like anything they put out is going to be great yeah so you subscribe to the mailing list and you go these guys kind of have the Midas touch anything they put out is gallant guaranteed gold but the idea of doing that with a with a book publisher like I simply won't read anything unless it's Penguin. Well, yeah, exactly. Like a bit of a sub-pop, the Seattle label. Yeah, exactly. Oh, well, everything's going to be of this sort of ilk.

If it's not Puffin, I'm not interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but Puffin at least, Puffin makes more sense because it's like that's just for kids, but Ellen and I wouldn't make fucking anything. So it's like, well, I know it's a cookbook. I like their colouring books, so I guess I'll like their phone books. There really is no rhyme or reason to what any book publisher is putting out. To the untrained eye. I like, well, look.

I've just gone on their homepage now. They've got an Arn Doe. They sure do. They've got an Arn Doe called Rise of the Mythics. Legends Unite, Rise of the Mythics 4, which, well, it says R&D on the cover, so he's definitely written that one. He's the number one best-selling author. Yeah.

Is it just me or is Mythics, have they just ripped the Harry Potter font? Look, it's similar. They've got a bit of a – Hang on, hang on. You're saying something to do with R&D is ripping off something else. Yes, yes, yes. We heard you the first time. I just want to go as close as I can without being liable.

That's all. They got a bit of David Stratton in the mix. What? What do you mean? Where's David Stratton? Next to the Arndo book. Oh. David Stratton, my favourite movies.

Century of Films and the world's best director. I thought when you said David Stratton, I thought you meant... Strasberg. Yeah. The fucking... The ventriloquist. Yeah. I was like, ventriloquist's got a book out.

That'll be fucking great. That's not bad. Where it's just like him... It's ghostwritten. Yeah, and then in italics it's like, you know, Chuck Wood saying, oh, that's easy for you to say. Yeah. You never hand up your ass.

Well, I like the idea of Ventriloquist putting out a book that's like not written by him it's like well this is what I do on stage yeah it's ghost written by someone else yeah exactly

it's the same deal um Christos Siolkis the author of The Slap they got his new book you'd have to imagine that's a big earner for them

this is um hang on why are we doing this again this is just we're shouting out um Tim Unwin. We're presuming we're doing an ad for his company.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, his family. Oh, they put out the new Sally Rooney book, which I read, and it's great. So they got, that's a good, that's a big one to have on the stable. Who's Sally? Sally Rooney, she's a, well, this might shock you, she's an author. She's a young Irish author who's written three books now. And yeah, this new one came out like a month ago. Big event.

Big event. A new Sally Rooney dropping. Also, they've got the new Wilbur Smith book out and he just turned into a big bit of brown bread yesterday. Did he really? Yeah. Well, again, you'd have to imagine a few post-mortem sales off the back of that.

Well, he's down at the bottom of the website. Do they do that with music, how people will die and they've got an album 80% done? And friends get together. Does that happen often with books? It's just like 80% of a manuscript didn't write an ending. Don't worry, Chief, I'll get in there. And then I woke up and it was all a dream just put a few pictures in the back yeah uh there was a there was a douglas adams like you know the the the author of the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy

series and then about 10 years 15 years after he died they went yeah but what if he wrote another one it's like oh is there fragments of a no no, we're just going to do another one. We're channeling what we think he would have written. It's like, that's quite a prediction. Yeah, yeah. And what, they put his name on it or they just used the IP? Yeah, they just used it. Yeah, yeah.

And just – You know that thing – The Tiger's universe. Yeah, just that thing of like, you know, a lot of faffing about the, well, I think this is what he would have done. It's like, I think he sort of tied that one up pretty tightly. And that's like, you've got to be such a huge fan of that universe above all else to go in on that book. Because it's like, yeah, it's kind of weirdly like disrespectful. You know what I mean?

You're not like, I love the author. You're like, I love this world and the lore of this world so much that I don't care if I'm desecrating the memory of a deceased person. I'm going in because I want to know what other people have done

with his vision. Yeah. But anyway, Tim Unwin, yeah, let us know if you, there couldn't be too many Unwins around, surely.

No. It's got to be. And look, Alan Unwind, sorry, no offence, but they're not the first people I think of. Like, you know, when I shot my autobiography around, they probably won't be the first people I hit up. No. I mean, look, and just looking on the website,

they've got a good roster, you know? Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't, honestly, no offence, I wouldn't have picked that they had that good of a roster of authors. Yeah. So they're clearly doing something right. But in terms of name recognition, yeah, they're pretty far down the pile. What?

It's a shame that we got a Tim on that side of the company name because, you know, we're pretty close to having Tim Allen subscribing to the podcast. Yeah. That really would have been something. That would be. Tell me who Sally Rooney is again. Author. Irish author.

But what's she famous for? She wrote the book Normal People, which got turned into a series which is on Stan. She also wrote a book called Conversations with Friends. And she's just written one called, what's written one called Beautiful World, Where Are You? Okay. Is she like Ando? Did she write them or not? Yeah, she wrote them.

And this is you trying to get close to saying it without saying it? That was just you saying it. No, it wasn't. It was a question. I put a question mark at the end. Yeah, Sally Rooney writes her own books. Okay, great, great. Oh, That's different to someone else I know

Who is the person that you know? I can't remember his name now But he was I believe The author of Rise of the Mythics Written by Ando Okay I'm not sure of the name though

Looking forward to this being played in court And me being subpoenaed Arndo. Okay. Yep. So I'm not sure of the name though. Looking forward to this being played in court. And me being subpoenaed for my role in Talking Dumb Dumb this week. Thanks, Tim. Thanks, Tim. Well, it wasn't me saying this. Someone else wrote this for me. Ah, right.

Okay. This is the ad for No Dorks. Yeah. Thanks, Timmy. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Georgia Latham. Okay. Oh, no. Another infamous surname. Oh, no.

And in relation to the great statesman, one of the great labor leaders of recent times, Mark Latham. Yeah. Turned. What the fuck happened there? Turned, fell off out of a window, off a ladder onto his head, I presume. Yeah. Turned... What the fuck happened there? Turned, fell off out of a window, off a ladder onto his head, I presume. Yeah, that was a really... That seemed like that...

That really snuck up on me, to be honest. I remember back in the day, it was like, yeah, we like this guy. And then all of a sudden, it was like, oh, no, he's fucking crazy. I missed all the in-between. I missed the gradual... Yeah. I missed the origin story. Yeah.

Yeah, it's tough to sort of figure out like to listen to someone just to back up their craziness like how do you go from the leader of the left to just like a shit kicker on the extreme far right of politics yeah something your wife has to leave you or something doesn't't it? Is that what has to happen? I mean, there are people that change their vote. Like they don't align with one party for their entire life. But if you work for the party at a certain point and are the leader of it, you would assume that that's set in stone forever. But in 10, 15 years, he just keeps going more right and right and right and right and right

yep it's like he's he's literally there's nowhere left to go yeah he's he's literally going to try and bomb um uh you know some sort of aboriginal settlement at some point in the next couple of years like he can't go he's gonna try and commit genocide or something yeah he keeps going right at this trajectory. Well, hey, presumably we're talking about this woman's father who supports the show. So let's not go too hard on her family. She doesn't want to pay to then sit there and hear this kind of stuff about her dad. Yes, but we're presuming that because she supports this show, we mean, we are pretty clear on our thoughts

of no genocide. Yeah. So if you support this show, you'd like to think that your beliefs align with ours. Yeah. So she'd be fine with us saying, no genocide, please. No genocide, please.

Hey, you know what? If you can pass it on to your dad, please no genocide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do us a favour. Yeah. Play him this bit. Maybe this will win him over. Say hi to your dad yeah please no genocide yeah yeah do us a favor yeah play him this bit yeah maybe this will win him over say hi to your dad for us yeah say no genocide to your dad for us

yeah um but yeah oh god again another maybe this is for the you know what this might be a little a little you know three minute four minute little interview for our upcoming documentary about what it's like to live with these um weird surnames Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Georgia in particular, but maybe, you know, along with when we interview people like Johnny Cocksucker, we interview someone called Gary Liberace, where the sort of the angle is, what's it like to grow up with this famous surname that you're not aligned to, that you're not actually related to that person? So what? What was it?

Johnny Liberace. Yeah, yeah. He's the straightest man. Or Gary Liberace. Gary Liberace is the straightest man who ever lived. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's the owner of a gym in Darwin and his name's Gary Liberace. Gary Liberace and he's just a real hound.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Puts him away. Yeah. He's never even seen his own dick. Yeah, yeah. And he's just a real hound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Puts him away. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's never even seen his own dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he's nude, he keeps away from a reflective surface because he wants to be a gold star

hetero. Yes. I've never seen any cock on TV, not even my own in real life. Never. I never look down. Never masturbated without a glove on. Yeah. Just so he doesn't have to touch it himself.

Yeah, yeah. And if he does, he sort of just covers up the palm and he paints his nail polish so it looks like it's a lady's hand. Right, right, right. But even that, that's once a year on his birthday. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a lot of like burning the clothes that he was in afterwards and having a cold shower.

Yeah, he sits on his hand for like three days to make sure it's nice and numb. It's on the verge of sort of turning black. And then he goes, all right, that's nearly dead. I can't feel anything. Then jerks off with the nail polish on it. Which is essentially the most straight thing you can ever do. Yes. Can you tell me if you've ever heard this somewhere?

Because I said this to someone the other day, a comedian, and they were like, you could tweet that or do that on stage. And I was like, I swear that someone said that already. Is this about the black box in the plane? No. that on stage and i was like i swear that that's someone said that already is this about the black box in the plane no this is um i sit on my own dick so that when i jack off it feels like i'm jacking off someone that's funny yeah that's funny that but that feels like something that must have been tweeted or said or something i agree i i'm not taking any credit away i would

not dare to think that i was the first person to think up an angle as funny as wedging your own dick under your ass so that you can sit on it and make it numb. I'm saying that's very funny, but I also agree that there's a big chance it's being thought of just because it's a trope that has been examined from many angles before. Well, literally all it is is just taking a very well-known thing and just reversing it. Yes. So it's not like there's any great fucking architecture going on there. Yeah, it's still funny. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah. All right, I'll try it tonight. Yeah. Actually, I think it's – I think I actually – I do remember. I think I read it in Rise of the Mythics published by Alan and Anwen. Oh, right. Okay. Right, so I would be stealing it from another comedian.

Whoever wrote that. From comedian Anwen. From whoever wrote that. I'd be stealing it. No, not from him. From whoever wrote that book. But no, he wrote it. From whoever wrote that book.

No, whoever wrote that book. Well, I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Whoever wrote that book. Is this the new Who's On First? Yes. Rolls off the tongue. Yes.

The old routine Who wrote Rise of the Mythics Volume 5 Hey it's great to be here Yeah you know that That thing The stranger

Where you sit on your own hand And it goes numb Yeah So it feels like you're being Jerked off by someone else Yeah I got bored of that So what I've been doing

Is my own twist on it I sit on my own cock Yes So that when I jack off It feels like I'm jacking off Someone else Yep a thought of that so i've what i've been doing is my own twist on it i sit on my own cock yes so that when i jack off it feels like i'm jacking off someone else because i'm gary liberace imagine that's a great example of a bit where you go you just you picture it in your head and you go this will kill yeah it's kind of crass yeah but people will get into that yeah and then it gets nothing oh i've done and you're just up there, it's like it's so much worse when it's like, if it's anything even slightly disgusting or sexual, you're going,

yeah, and then I fucking put my fucking dick in there. And just absolute silence is like, wow, not only am I not funny, I'm a reprobate, I'm demented, I'm sick. I've done that where I've gone, I've tried new jokes and I've gone, well, this is clearly just funny and I'll get a response. I don't love it. I'm notmented. I'm sick. I've done that where I've gone, I've tried new jokes and I've gone, well, this is clearly just funny and I'll get a response. I don't love it. I'm not proud of it. Right.

But I'll just chuck it in there because it will definitely work. It's shocking and that can be funny. Yeah, and then you get up there and go, oh, now I feel like dog shit and everyone else thinks I'm a cunt and I don't like this either. Yes, yes. It's an absolute loss on every level. Yeah. It's like imagine to put for the listener who doesn't do stand-up,

put yourself in the position of like Carl's story of having to shit in the street. Imagine you're doing that in front of a room full of strangers and no one is laughing at you. Yes. That's the prime example. You'd come up with a – you'd go, oh, this is absurd. I've got to tell this on stage. Yes.

And something about you're midway through describing backing one out in a side street on a footpath. Yeah. And in your head you're thinking, here it comes, here it comes, and then just silence and going, oh, I've just got to finish telling the story. And it's not going to get a laugh. So just so you know, you're describing when I told this story to my wife after I did it. Right. That's how that's going. Went a lot better on the podcast than it did just one-on-one at home.

Yeah. So you tested it out. It bombed. I had to punch it up a little bit after that. Yeah, okay. That's good motivation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But anyway, thanks, Ms. Latham.

Thanks, Georgia Latham, for all of what you inspired there. Oh, my God. No, you know what? I'm going to save that one. Fucking hell. Latham for all of what you inspired there oh my god now you know what I'm going to save that one fucking hell nah do it no no

I'll save I'll just we'll do that as number four I think okay we'll just do this one as number

three alright alright my god that's a there's a juicy one coming up alright that's good well I hope

that's good to know because it doesn't matter what this next one is yeah well look just you know what? This name here, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Nick Jones. Now, this is like, you know, Nick Jones, good on you. It's a name I could live with having.

That's fine. But considering what's coming up, this is like you're making love to your long-term partner and you're thinking of someone else. That's what we're doing at the moment with Nick Jones. Well, I mean, it's different for you because you've got the other name in front of you. You've seen it. So you're actually thinking of someone you find hot or a past conquest or whatever. Me, I don't know what it is.

So I'm making love to my long-term partner. I'm just picturing a hot, amorphous blob. Just pretend you're Ben Lomas as described earlier in the episode where he's happy to sit in a fucking white room and just jack his dick to nothing. Okay, yeah. That's, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

I'm like, I'm in the Matrix in that big white room and I'm just, I'm making it more white. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just masturbating to nothing. Yeah, yeah. Have you ever done that? I can't imagine ever doing that. You mean like not thinking of anything?

Just purely on texture, I guess. Well, I guess then it gets into kind of weird territory where presumably you're masturbating to and getting off on the very idea of yourself masturbating which is a sort of a pretty disturbing

like feedback loop to be trapped in. Like you're going yeah this is so fucking sexy what I'm doing right now. Yeah. Pulling my fucking pud in my shower.

Yeah. Wife's beating on the door going it's been 45 minutes not even hard yet. God, this is arousing. Anyway, that's Nick Jones. That's Nick Jones. That's what he does.

NIC, by the way. Oh, I was about to say I know a Nick Jones. But to presume that it's the same one would be absurd. NIC, as in like, you know, when you have an open mic. It's never like open mic,-i-k-e it's open m-i-c as in short for the microphone yeah so this this this might be nike jones well his name might be nicrophone oh yeah which as i'm saying it sounds sounds off not be might be microphone though so it's Nike oh yeah okay

Nike Jones yeah Nike Jones yeah Nike Jones microphone yeah yeah

open Nike open Nike open Nike Jones why is there so yeah obviously MIC is yeah shortening of

microphone but then you do also see it spelt M-I-K-E sometimes rarely yeah

I think I think MIC you see a lot more when you see open mic spelt it's MIC generally these days I think yeah I don't think mic you see a lot more when you see open mic spell it's mic generally these days i think yeah i don't i don't see it m-i-k-e but um i do like the idea that this guy's

name is nike that people call him if you like he's gone you know what he's done the whole you know his name's nicholas yep instead of calling himself nick because it's like well why have i got a k there's no k in Nicholas. Yep. Okay, I'm going to do the abbreviation NIC, and all these mates go, well, I see that, and I raise you.

Your name's now Nike. Yeah, because you can't go, I'm Nick. Yeah. Well, no, because we all know how Nick is spelt.

Yeah. So the fact that you've done something different. Yeah. Ergo. If any listeners are friends with Nike Jones, Nike Jones. Make sure he's called that from now on. And, you know, why not throw in a bit of his last name is Jonas instead of Jones. Nike Jonas.

Yeah, Nike Jonas. Jonays. Yeah. Yep. Jeronays. Is that enough? Can we get to this other fucking name yet? I know.

I know. Sorry. All right. Here we go. I'm busting to hear the name. Okay. I'm busting to go to the toot. Yep.

I've got something to do right after this. Okay. Time is like I am fucking I could not be more edged. Okay. And tantrically ready to blow my load over this name. That's very interesting that you put it that way, Tommy. Yes. Because let's read it out.

All right. Thank you very much to Patreon. Number four this week. Patreon subscriber Jack Cox Wow Fuck yeah It's finally happened Jackie boy

Jack Cox Do we end the podcast now? Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jack Cox Do we Do we Do we shut down

The Patreon? Do we just stop doing it? Cause this is This is where All of this stems from. The original riff of reading a name that sounds kind of funny and saying, is this every week we're going to be supporting, saying thanks to Jack my tiny dick off. And now it's happened.

This is the thread closed. We should, either we should or someone else should help us go back and let's find the top 10 names ever that we've had on this show yeah that is that's that's got to be number one oh there's been a couple of rippers actually there's been some awesome ones yeah but yeah jack the hall of fame pared it down you cannot do that much you cannot do better than this name in that many letters. Honestly, there is no point in ever going on with this segment. That's it. It is so pared down and

so perfect for this segment. A listener of our show is called Jack Cox. Is this a put on you thing? It's not even one cock. It's multiple cocks and jacks. It's so good. This seems too good to be true. Fuck. Now I've got to fucking research it. This seems too good to be true. Fuck. Now I've got to fucking research it.

This seems too good to be true. No. Fuck. Don't take this away from me. I just don't, you know. Fuck. I want to believe. Don't get me wrong.

Yeah, I know. But I also, you know, I've been burnt before. All right. Good things like this just don't happen, you know. Yeah, you're right. This is too good to be true. Hang on. Pinch yourself. Okay. Pinch you. Get off your dick that is falling asleep. It's like this just don't happen, you know? Yeah, you're right. This is too good to be true. Hang on. Pinch yourself. Okay.

Pinch you. Get off your dick that's fallen asleep. It's gone numb. Yeah, and black and pinch it. Yeah. Well, you know what? Look. You found him?

My first little bit of investigating is there's one big red tick. Yeah. Which is, I just looked up what his email address is and it sort of checks out. Okay. Which holds up in court, I believe. Yep, yep, yep. Now, let's go to the millionaire group on Facebook and see if he's in there somewhere. See if we can do a bit of intel through his personal account.

Let's have a look and see if Jay Cox turns up there. There he is. All right. All right. Okay. Well, that's his name on Facebook. Okay. Let's go to his profile.

View main profile. Don't mind if I do, Jack. How many photos has he got? He's got an absolute whopper of a profile picture to start with. Okay. I mean, look, I feel like we don't need to do anything about anything else that is anything about him apart from the most perfect name of all time. But this is his profile picture. What the hell?

It's the worst cropped picture of all time. What the fuck's going on there? It's him and his girlfriend and he's cropped out both their heads so you can just see both their rigs and his girlfriend's sort of got a slightly revealing outfit on. So it's like, oh, cheers everyone. And then there's a dog in the bottom of the picture that's perfectly in frame. Yes. So maybe that's the whole point is he just wants to highlight the dog. The only head you can see in that pic is the dog's head.

So he's a great user of Facebook and technology in general. And that was updated. That horrific profile pic was updated nearly five years ago. Well, I should say it's four years ago. And not been changed since then. No need to alter that. Maybe this is something that's come in where they've kind of changed the ratios of how the pics get displayed or whatever. And that's fucked him.

I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe with a name like Jack Cox, maybe Zuckerberg himself has gone, well, we don't need the head. Let's just show this. Yeah. Well, maybe he's aware of it too. He's just like, who gives a fuck? No one's even looking at the picture anyway.

They're focusing on the seven letters that are next to it. Yeah. Let's give someone something else to focus on rather than the name. Let's distract them with a picture rather than the beautiful four letters that they're going to do whatever the fuck they're going to do with. Yeah. Jack Cox. Do you think that's his, like when he's talking dirty to his partner,

he just goes, do my name. Yep. Yes? Yep. Great. What a great, that's the only upside to his name. Do my name. Yeah, just say, just pull out his business card and then point down.

Read it. Yeah, read it and make it weep. But then he's made a rod for his own back because as we discussed, it's plural. He's jacked a rod for his own back. He's getting taken care of. Yes. And then she's having to go, well, you know, that's one. That's where the dog comes into it.

Oh, yes. Now I'm seeing. That's where the dog comes into it. Oh, yes. Now I'm seeing why it's in the profile pic. Oh, my Lord. Oh, that is. Now, does he get a run in the doco? Sure. Yeah. Well, actually, not really because the doco is about people who have

fucked surnames and trying to go back and go why haven't they why isn't the family ever changed it now cox is you know yes it is you know but it's it's really only made good by his first name as well right yes but yeah you have to imagine that's like a very it's kind of beautiful in a way like a very pure mother and father that gave him that name not Not once did it cross their minds. Oh, that's what this sounds like. Yeah. And like there are, at least there's a father that's grown up with a name Cox.

Cox. Where it's like, well, you've copped it. Yeah. You've gotten every permutation. But again, maybe, you know, some people just live these like charmed, maybe it's like very big religious upbringing. Like my friend Peter Field. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. That's, charmed. Maybe it's like very big religious upbringing. Like my friend Peter Field. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. That's, oh man. It's so, I can't believe it's true. And I can't believe he's found his way to us. Yep. And you know what? I think he's been sitting there the whole time knowing this is coming up.

Yeah. And just not saying a word, just going. And he must like every time you're going, oh, this is coming up. Yeah. And just not saying a word, just going. And he must, like, every time you're going, oh, this one's interesting. Yeah. He must think, oh, fuck, here it comes. Yeah. I wonder if he knew when you were like, oh, no, I'm going to save this one.

Yeah. You'll lose your mind on this whether he was like, my luck's finally run out. Yeah. That is, yeah, he's, well. He's the fugitive and this is the bit where we're in the fucking, you know, we're at the ravine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. That is, yeah, he's, well. He's the fugitive and this is the bit where we're in the fucking, you know, we're at the ravine or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. The one-armed man.

Yeah. Yeah. The one-armed man. Yeah. Fucking hell. Yeah. Tough work for him. Yeah.

It's, and he's just been sitting there. He just listens to all these names that we have fun with and goes, you boys have no idea what's coming up. Yeah, oh, what's this is a great one. Jimmy Pudding. Yeah. Oh, fuck, that's funny. Yeah.

You guys have no idea what's coming up. Yeah. Yeah. All right, well, thanks, Jack. Thanks, Jack Cox. Thanks, Jack Cox. Oh, my God. I just, yeah, look, you're right.

There's a case to be made, like, you're never going to get something as good as that again. It's all, it's just all downhill from here. Coming in here to do this next week is just going to feel like such a slog. And just like, what's the point? It's, we just climbed Everest and then next week we're going to, you know, we're going to walk up a hill. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I guess it's yeah walk up a flight of stairs yeah just climb the ladder

do the guttering yeah yeah it's comparable I guess you know it's fine for this week yeah but remember last week

then we just go back to let's just do the last boring name alright thank you very much to the Patreon subscriber pull your dick until it spurts all over inside your own mouth comedy

yeah oh god that's what yeah yeah i mean barely worth mentioning we we didn't even we shouldn't have even done a fifth one this yeah yeah like i feel like we've done five of them in the last you know two months i don't even want to do any more names now after that let's make that the last one okay all right we'll keep we'll cut that at however many that was. Well, thanks, Jack Cox. Thanks, everyone who supports the show. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for the tickets to the upcoming shows.

We'll see you in Heathcote, December 11, Melbourne at the Athenaeum, January 11, and Brisbane, January 29, and hopefully more stuff to announce soon. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mates! See you, mates!