The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 582 - Urzila Carlson & Guy Montgomery

Episode Date: November 23, 2021

We said we'd never Zoom again, but for GUY MONTGOMERY and URZILA CARLSON, we can make an exception! Urzila flexes her podcast awards over us, we learn all about her history in the newspaper industry, we hear about Tommy's first job at Baker's Delight, Karl's not-so-mysterious firings from his early employment, and Guy's supermarket job helping him to discover his future talent for stand-up comedy. PLUS Tommy's tried to reconnect with a childhood friend with disastrous results. Will he be able to salvage the friendship? Probably not, after this episode comes out! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests Guy Montgomery and Ursula Carlson over Zoom. But in the real world, we have plenty of things coming up. Scant few tickets left to the big 500th episode in Melbourne, January the 15th. Before that, we've got the Heathcote Live show that's been sold out, but don't forget to go to that on December the 11th. Then let's skip over the 500th episode and get straight to Brisbane. New date for Brisbane, of course, the 29th of January we are doing a live podcast at 2.30 at Lefty's

and then straight over the road to do a live, live Talking Dumb Dumb at 5.30 the same day. And then we have a new date for Perth. We are going to be there in March the 5th. It's the rescheduled pod from, yeah, a couple of times now we've had to change that. So those original tickets are still valid.

You should be being emailed at some point by the venue. But, yes, we have a new date for that March the 5th, Saturday, March the 5th, at the Rosemount, the Doris Rosemount Hotel. Oh, my goodness. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all that information and any of those tickets that are left if you want to snap one up. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb.

But until then, enjoy this new one with Guy Montgomery and Ursula Carlson. It's a rip-off. Hey, ladies. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. With me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. And joining us today, two very special guests live on Zoom. We have Guy Montgomery and Ursula Carlson.

Across the Tasman. Yes. Now, look, can we clear this up at the very start? This is what we were just talking about before we hit go, but we're stressing that Ursula doesn't have a proper mic. We think we're looking at her and she's talking to her fucking headphones and we're stressing. And then Ursula said.

Put your hands up who's just won two podcast awards Put your hands up who's just won two podcast awards because this 1999 headphones that I'm using right now is solid as anything, mate. I've recorded every podcast that I've ever done off these babies. And tell us what you won for your podcasting awards. I won two Rodecaster mics. Two actual mics that you could be using right now. To be fair, I mean, I already have two Rodecaster mics.

Fuck, right. So you've got four mics and you're not using any of them. So we could all have one of your Rodecaster mics to do this pod on. That speaks to the quality of the pod. You know, like if you win a podcasting award with your fucking low resolution, grainy ass sounding audio, that's quality. You know what? You know what, Guy?

Like right now, I mean, you sound a little tinny to me, to be honest. With your microphone, you've got a microphone, and it sounds a little tinny to me. No, no, no. I think it sounds tinny because you're using your tinny-ass fucking headphones that you're now recording onto. From 1999. I hope they've got anti-shock.

Don't move too much or they might cut out. My approach, people hear me in their headphones right now going, oh, my God, she sounds like she's next to me on the train. That's the kind of conversational approach that I'm bringing to the table. Not this, oh, I've got a microphone, I'm better than you. No. I'm just using this. It's the same as those people who hold up those tiny mics on TikTok.

You know your iPhone mic is incredibly sensitive. You're basically reducing the sensitivity and the sound quality by using that mini microphone. So you're saying you've got the professional advice, which is to use the microphones. That's the professional advice. You've got four of them. You're saying, no, I've done my own research. I'm going to use my own natural mic off my own headphones.

Have I seen you in the protests up at Parliament House lately? Are you? I do have a reflective vest and I did piss on something recently. You are the Joe Rogan of podcasting in that you are the exception that makes everyone Yeah, we thought you guys are in lockdown in New Zealand. We thought we were doing you guys a favor like, oh, they'll be wrapped, do a pod, eat up some time out of the day and then you can't even be fucked bringing out the proper mic for it like way to absolutely own it it was running late because she had to get her tractor back from the

the traffic jam she was causing in the middle of town yeah farmers lives matter yeah we have been here uh we have been here catching up with guy for an hour Farmers' lives matter. Right. Yeah, we have been here catching up with Guy for an hour because, yeah, we got caught out by their not very significant New Zealand time difference, but just enough to really fuck your whole... It was someone's manager's fault. We won't say whose it was. It could be any of ours.

I mean, look, let's be clear. We don't have a manager, so that narrows it down a little bit. It could be any of ours. I mean, look, let's be clear. We don't have a manager. So that narrows it down a little bit. It was someone's manager's fault. Two people ruled out. So now we've got a 50% chance of working out who it was. Look, let's just say it's someone's manager and someone else's promoter. Yeah.

Okay. We share the manager. We share the promoter. Except somehow, here I was. Because I'm not big time enough to book podcasts. Okay, I'm going to come clear. It was my fault. I was on another podcast with a lady, and it took me a while.

The podcast was 45 minutes. I was an hour late, but it took me 15 minutes to pack up my mics and pack them away. So that's how it is. It's quality reliant. If it's a good podcast, you'll bring them out. If it's a bad one, you just talk into your shoe and hope it records. Okay, I get it.

Mate, I mean, you don't wear your evening gown to go down to the BP to put petrol in your car. Am I right? True. Yeah, yeah, true. Hers' house must look like one of those broadcasting museums, just microphones everywhere from across the decades. Like, yeah, here's what they were using in 2019,

and here's the 2020 model. Must look like a roadcaster showroom in there. It is a little bit like that. I'm actually packing up the house at the minute, and I've got about seven microphones, all from varying degrees of, you know, quality. But there's a lot of boxes, microphone boxes I look like. So what's the plan here?

You're moving house. You're going to take the seven unused, unopened microphones with you? Yeah. For what? Yeah. No, no. I mean, it gives me a massive wide on to have a look at a microphone and a packaging. It just gets my mind running.

In case you ever get invited on a good podcast, it would be nice to have that as a backup. Yeah, one day. Yeah. Are you enjoying the experience of moving house, Ursula? That's famously quite a fun activity to do. No, I'm not enjoying it whatsoever. Although I'm amazed at the amount of shit that I've accumulated

over a very short period of time. I'm not since you've got seven microphones you've never used. I'm sure there's heaps of fucking shit you haven't used. No, no, no. 2001 unopened. You've got eight cars you've never driven. I'm working with a plan. I don't use the microphone. Then people do a podcast with

me and then they send me a GIF, which is a microphone, and they're like, for next time, and then I'm like, get fucked, mate. So eventually, people will just send me... These ones are showing their age a little bit, so if you could bring some of those unopened ones to Melbourne

with you next time, we'll have them. These are due an upgrade. Yeah, no, those two look like they're from like your Wii Fit or something. If it comes out and you've got a better audio than us, this is fucked. As well. Highly likely. All right. Hey, this is something I just learned about you, Urs,

is that I didn't realize we had so much in common. I didn't realize you, your first job maybe, or you used to work as a graphic designer at a newspaper, just like I did. Then you got another job as a graphic designer somewhere else, just like I did. And then you started comedy, and then you became the biggest selling act at the Melbourne Comedy Festival,

just like I did. I didn't know we had so much in common. As you might not know, you displaced Carl. He used to sell out the town hall for a month as well. There's a list of 100 maybe jokes. Different room, different room, but yes. I mean, it's still town hall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, mine wasn still Town Hall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, mine wasn't really actually.

It's Town Hall adjacent. It was down the road a little bit. Whatever. It was in a town. Yeah, no, I actually, because I'm so old, I did a typesetting apprenticeship in the early 90s. I'm a qualified typesetter. Yeah, great.

And then from typesetting, we still had to strip in the newspaper where you had to cut it and then you would wax it onto a plate and then go shoot a neg and then make four plates, process colours off the negs, and then this is how you would do one page. And then from there we went on to proper computers. Yeah. In the old days we had the Haystack system, which was like you would just type lines of print

and then cut it up to make the newspaper. I thought you said shoot an egg. I was like, wow, this was a long time ago. Front page of the newspaper. We got a new egg. Mate, I shot a lot of eggs in those times too. You were at a newspaper. You worked as a typesetter and a designer at a newspaper in South Africa.

Like a big one or a little newspaper? No, it was the biggest newspaper group in Africa. So Caxton Newspapers do all the community newspapers, but we also do all the big nationals like The Citizen. So there's quite a few. I love big nationals. Did you ever sneak anything in? Because that was, I've talked about it on the podcast before,

I used to change stuff in the newspaper. I used to have like that job. I used to fire people for doing that. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Because when I left, when I left, like, so when someone gets, you know, fired at the newspaper, they can't work their notice because of that

because people would sneak stuff into the paper. So there was this one guy, he was the scanner. So there was just three dedicated guys that would just scan stuff all day, scan logos, scan photos, scan everything before we had digital cameras. So his name was Greg and he went a bit rogue and he would add swear words in. Oh, great. Yeah, so we couldn't figure out.

Hang on, you put swear words into the photos? How do you do that? You just add his right fuck over the top of a golfer or something? No, they had access to the layout program. So he would go in there and just after, so we had the stone. It's just this wooden table sort of with glass that you would pack the pages on and then you would go through and go check the pages and, you know, sort of cut out what needs to be cut out or whatever.

But then he would have a look and then go back and go type in swear words on the layout program after we've signed off the page. That's cheeky. That's why the old newspapers were so heavily compromised, and it's such a relief to receive accurate, unfilled information from Facebook, Twitter. We're just a much better informed people now. I do love that, though.

Like, tomorrow, fine and sunny, 24 degrees, cumped. Like, oh, where'd that come from? I thought we saw enough on that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or it would go, you know, it's obituary, and it'll go, he was a genuine hardworking fuck-up. And you're like, ugh. Yeah, yeah.

Leaping through the pages. Boy, Garfield's a little bawdy today. What's gotten into him? How did your dismissal of Greg go? Did it sit well with Greg? No, well, what happened was I knew it was Greg because he was crazy. Because we already had a bit of an issue and the police have had to be called a few times for Greg already. Oh, what?

Because he would make death threats and stuff. He was a loose unit. Hang on. In the newspaper, would he sneak death threats into the obituaries? It's a bit late for that, I would have thought. HR's got no issue with Greg issuing in-house death threats, but if he slips a shit into the weather report, he's out the door. Yeah.

So you're familiar with how South Africa works? You can come to work and shoot a cut, but don't say shit in the paper. Yeah, yeah. Carl, I disagree. The Obits is the best place for a death threat. It's like he passed away and the same fucking thing's going to happen to you,

you dog cunt. Yeah, take a hint. This is me. Wow. So, yeah, there'd been death threats, what, against other people in the business and then that was first warning. He said he was going to come burn my house down. Oh, man.

But then I saw this shit start happening in the paper and then I said, like I knew it was him. So then I go, I'll give you guys until this afternoon. There was like 25 designers on the production floor. I go, I'll give you guys until this afternoon. There was like 25 designers on the production floor. I go, I'll give you guys until this afternoon to figure out who did it and then just come clean and we'll have a disciplinary. But, you know, realistically I was lying. I was lying.

I was going to fire whoever came out. And then he said, oh, then they wouldn't come clean. So I got a guy. Hey, first of all, respect to them for seeing through your fucking ruse. He said, oh, then they wouldn't come clean. So I got a guy in to come with a light detector. Respect to them for seeing through your fucking ruse, you snitch. They would have been out on their ass. Respect to the other 24 people for not going, it was the cunt who threatened to burn your house down.

Why have we been kept in at lunchtime for this? No, but, you know, it's like when there's a whole bunch of kids, right, and they're all standing there and you go, who ate the cake? And the fat kid's standing there with cream all over their face. And all the other kids are like, it's that cunt. And you're like, but you can't, you need that kid to go, okay, I did it. You need the fat kid to own up. So I needed Greg to own up, but he wouldn't.

So I got this guy in with a lie detector, and he was going to – Oh, wow. By the second person he interviewed, this guy was scary as shit. I was admitting to stuff that I stole from the company. And then, yeah, Greg got in his car and he left and no one saw him again oh really he can't find me i quit and he went on to be matt damon's accent coach for that uh invictus movie i like that the people at this newspaper treat the job like they're in the mafia it's like you're trying to you're trying to sniff out who did it and they're like, we ain't no rats.

We ain't fucking, we ain't talking to the top brass. We aren't ratting out, Greg. No way. You'll have to kill us first. I also like that even in your, like, you know, Kyle's drawing comparisons and even in the similarity in the job in which you came up, Kyle's like, yeah, we used to do this right.

And it's just like, no, no, I was more senior than you even then. I would fire, i would fire i was in the i was in the sold-out town hall of my job yeah yeah yeah you could probably fire carl from comedy if you wanted ursula you could get those cogs standing i wish i wish i could say i was just one of the people but i just won too many awards like Too many microphones even back then. I have more design awards than I have comedy awards. I remember when I used to read those old community South African newspapers

and I'd think, God damn, the typers sit well on these. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a solid font. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hardly any words like cunt in the crossword this week. This is a fucking great newspaper. Well done, Urs.

I remember my parents seeing the South African typesetting gala and being like, do you know that woman who came on who had just like the excellent kerning? That was incredible. We want to go see her. We want to go see her newspaper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Way better than that scanner, Trevor Noah.

So, you know what? When I quit my job, I didn't get fired. When I quit my job at the Mirabara Advertiser. When you mutually agreed to part ways. Yeah, Greg didn't quit either. Greg didn't get fired either. Let's remember that. Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, when you got in your car and just fucked off into the night. Yeah, that's it. No, they only found out about all the stuff I was sneaking into the newspaper afterwards, to be fair, because I told them. But when I left, I had like an enemy at my newspaper who hated me and I hated him. And he was like, he would tell me off because look to be fair i was doing the wrong thing i didn't know any better but he i was typesetting and like when there wasn't

enough room for everything in a in like an article in a column i would just edit it myself i would just take words out of like about out of articles and stuff and i didn't know i wasn't supposed to yeah i was like oh that doesn't fit i'll just take some nouns out of that one. And the guy would go fucking, the sports editor would go ballistic at me. To be fair, to take nouns out, nouns are doing a pretty important job. Remove an adjective, an adverb, maybe put a noun. Nouns are the heavy lifters in there. Look, in hindsight, there was a lot of sentences that went, and if the, whatever. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't get more points. You don't create more space by taking out specifically a noun. So I was doing a bit of housekeeping in there, and he would go ballistic at me and go, have you got a fucking journalism degree? What, have you got the right to fucking do this? And I'm like, to be fair, neither do you. You were like a fitter and turner in a factory. someone looked around and went who knows anything about sports and i and you said me and then now you're the sports editor in a small country newspaper so so he fucking hated me

and then uh when i got to the end of my job i got a job somewhere else uh you know no big deal got a job in a uh photocopy place in ballarat. Stop it. Yeah, whatever, whatever. A chain? Quick copy? That's it. Really? Actually? I don't mean to drop names.

So then I quit, but because I had my little enemy there who I hated so much, when I resigned, I pretended I didn't have another job, and I just walked into the editor's office, and I was like, I'm leaving because of him. He harassed me, and he bullied me. Oh, my God. He made me quit. I'm out of here.

I can't work with this man a second longer. And, like, I was trying to get him fired on my way out. And then the editor was like, oh, did he do all that stuff? Oh, well. Holy. Yeah, okay. All right. So when you say you quit

let's just call it you left because it was a matter of time they would have gotten rid of you it sounds that way sounds like there's

a lot of chat about Chandler around the water cooler there was a file there was a file behind that editor going sure we can close this book

now he left by himself and the most incredible thing is that editor went on to be Morgan Freeman's accent coach in the 2009 film Invictus. That's a callback to the first reference which I didn't understand either. The Ballarat accent that he famously does in that film.

That's right. It was closer than what he did. What do you think? South African accents on film. Like, I know this isn't what you guys want to talk about, and I know it's your podcast, but Leonardo DiCaprio on Blood Dime was all over the map as well. That was the worst thing.

Has anyone done a good one? No. Usually, when Americans try to go South African, it weirdly sounds like you're watching a film about Nazi Germany. It sounds way too German. It's like, look, it's an angry accent, but it's not that angry. Yeah. I'd have to say I've never heard a good South African accent,

even from South Africa. Yeah, who was your accent coach? Because this is all over the show. You should hear my mum. She knows it. She's got the really flat, very, very African swan. That's your classic. I love that one.

That's the best one. That's incredible. Yeah. Well, speaking of jobs,'ve I've I haven't you haven't got my full focus today because this is Tuesday this is podcast day around at Tommy's house

and Tuesday there's a Thai restaurant near Tommy's house that has a deal on they have a like 30% off or something and then another 30% off if you bring cash

and I love cash I'm a big handler of cash so I'm just thinking about what I'm going to go and have for lunch after this and it's what notes you're going to use to pay for it yeah what sort of change I'm a big handler of cash. So I'm just thinking about what I'm going to go and have for lunch after this. What notes are you going to use to pay for it? Can you walk me through the deal?

So it's 30% off and another 30% off if you pay cash. And they're giving you bags of drugs or is it food? No, it's a reputable Thai restaurant, mate. There's nothing dodgy about Thailand, okay? No, no, I understand 30% off on Tuesdays. That's a reputable Thai restaurant, mate. There's nothing dodgy about Thailand, okay? No, no. I understand 30% off on Tuesdays. It's a great deal. But then I don't understand. Like it feels incredibly under.

I don't either. Yeah. Yes. I agree. Is the cash only deal, is that 30% off only on Tuesdays or is that through the week? No, no. Tuesdays. Tuesdays only.

Yes. No, Tuesdays to Wednesdays, sorry. Okay. Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But it is funny. Whenever a business advertisess only? Yes. No, Tuesdays to Wednesdays, sorry. Okay, right. Tuesdays and Wednesdays. But it is funny. Whenever a business advertises cash only, it's like, does the ATO just scan around town for those signs? Right, yeah.

Because that's so super crazy obvious, isn't it, what's going on? Yeah, I mean, wherever I go, there's a place in the mall where I get my pedicures done because I find more pedicures are the best pedicures. And their Air Force machine has never worked. So I moved to New Zealand in 2006. They have not managed to get a technician out to this shop in the mall that does pedicures since 2006.

Every time you go in, they go, cash only. You're like, okay, just say, look, we're here to fuck over the tax department. Right, yeah, yeah. Cash only. But they always have this FPOS machine that's not even plugged in. They go, it's broken. I've lived here for many, many years. I could probably go to university or wherever you go to learn about FPOS machines

and fix it for you by next week. You know what kills me? The place that's cash only, you go to pay on card and they're like, we only take cash. And you go, oh, okay, where's the nearest ATM? And they're like, we don't know. It's like at the very least, you've got to have memorized where the closest ATM is.

You've got to give me somewhere I can go to help you out. If I'm doing this to help you get out of like paying extra tax or whatever it is, you've got to do some of the can go to help you out. If I'm doing this to help you get out of paying extra tax or whatever it is, you've got to do some of the work here for me. Come on. Don't start up an Indian restaurant and don't include a toilet. You know what I mean? Help yourself.

I'm still thinking about a sitcom called F-Post University where Ursula Carlson goes back to school. Yep. For a week. Yep. Just to learn how to fix the F-possum. I'm getting a PhD. The university only takes cash as well for their course.

So what, you're thinking you're going to hit it up after this, get a beautiful 60% off on a Tuesday with cash? Absolutely. And I feel like it's the dream combination of, because it's cash, it's tie, it's my two loves. And then I go in there and I always think of you. It's a perfect combination of me and you because I go in there for the sweet deal. And the guy behind the counter, he's got this weird hologram deck thing where his desk is like completely round.

And then he sits in the middle of it. What? And then he sits in a gaming chair, which is why I think of you. He sits in a gaming chair which is why i think of you he sits in a gaming chair to serve you the food yes is this the guy at the cat not the chef the chef's not the guy but he's also i think he's also the chef okay right no one goes in there yeah so he's sitting in the gaming and whenever i'm coming in there to order a panang he's like i'm interrupting a game of fucking duke nukem every week so he is on the pc when you go in yes right okay yeah yeah yeah he's got the he's got your deal he's got the fucking headset on he's on the pc when you go in yes right okay yeah yeah yeah he's got the he's got

your deal he's got the fucking headset on he's in the gaming chair and i'm like oh fuck yeah sorry to fucking wreck your high score but i actually wouldn't mind a curry puff and yeah yeah no i'm into this it sounds to me like the food here is either like sin you know to justify this sort of behavior is either sensational or just absolute dog shit like you you know yeah you know a restaurant's class when you go in and the staff are just fucking pig rude to you they're like yeah what are you fucking doing everything else yeah yeah yeah it's a third option it's cheap which is maybe better maybe even better it doesn't sound like a place i would eat it sounds like a place that's going to clear out your colon.

Right. It's all right. I don't mind it. I just think it could be a chance of, you know, if you're looking for any part-time work, Tommy, it feels like you're half qualified already. You might not know any of the culinary tips. Yeah, I don't know how to cook Thai.

But you can sit in the seat. You can play the games. I've got my own chair. I can bring that in. I'm happy to ignore customers. This guy's probably huge on Twitch or something, the gaming chef. You'd probably play him. Yeah, yeah, I've probably my own chair. I can bring that in. I'm happy to ignore customers. This guy's probably huge on Twitch or something, the gaming chef. You probably play him.

Yeah, yeah, I've probably versed him. I've probably been called the N-word by him on Fortnite a few times. It's actually a great angle for a – yeah, the nastiest word. It's a great angle for a Twitch stream. Like, wouldn't you love to watch someone who's gaming at another job and then watch them deal with... It's a great point of difference, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So he's swiveling the laptop around and then just like he's got the green... So you can see him in the corner of the game. He's got the green screen behind him. And then suddenly you're just looking. He's like playing one hand because he's got like a spatula in the other hand. That's it. And you hear feedback from like the... You hear the sizzling from the pan coming through the mic that he's using.

Yeah, yeah. You're playing him in the final of Wolfenstein 4D or whatever the fuck you play. And then you just ring him up and like, just order 17 green curries. Oh, that's good. You and me, you and me versing him. And it's like, you're going in as my like distraction.

You're going in as the smoke screen. I need you to go in at about midday and order a green curry just to throw him off the game. Tommy, what were you doing? While Carl and Urs were typesetting in their fledgling careers, what were you doing? How did you get your start? At that year or when I was that age? Just about that age, I guess. It's probably a different year.

I worked at a bottle shop at the end of my street and then I worked at Baker's Delight for a couple of years. Early mornings at the Baker's? Early mornings. Yeah, not's? Early mornings, yeah. Not like baking, but like... Oh, damn. Yeah, just there in time for when they open to serve. Normal hours.

Not doing the 4 a.m. putting it. Normal hours, yeah. Early for me at that age and also at this age. Fuck being up before 9 a.m. Sorry, everyone with kids, but I'm not doing it. You were front of house at the Baker's. Did you have shtick? Front of house? No shtick really my best mate got a job there with me and then we used to fuck around all the time out the back and that like it was great like the the couple of months

that he was working there after he got hired was like so much fun because it's like such a boring job was like in a shopping center it's like great my best mates here and then was having a bit too much fun because then i got the sack and he he kept his job and i was like i thought that he should have like left in protest it's like your boy got done dirty by the managers he's like nah man i'm i'm 19 i need the fucking money like so yours is my guess puts a few cunts in the obituary. I'm putting my name in every episode of Full House or whatever I'm doing in the TV, God, at my newspaper.

How are you getting the sack? I was writing cunt in the icing on the custard squares. So I was kind of bringing a bit of that flavour into that. I thought maybe you'd be fat-shiving people if they go, I'll have two donuts and a loaf of, you know, tolling a brain. You're like, do you? Yeah.

Do you want all of that? It was the opposite. I got really fat working there because, like, there's so much waste at the end of the day and you can just take home whatever you want. So it's like I'm going home every night with, like, cheesy might scrolls and, like, the rank little hot dog things that they have.

Is that, like, whatever's there you're allowed to take home? Whatever's there at the end of the day. Do you think that still applies today? Because I might need to apply for a new job. And then just close the doors at lunchtime and go, oh, well, a lot of stuff left over. What do you have in the way of experience? Seven unopened microphones.

Yeah, I did. Like I would i would this is i was like it started comedy around this time so i would like leave baker's delight there just would be so much stuff that would just go in the bin otherwise and like i would turn up to gigs with just like loaves of bread that i had just like oh great i'd be like this like a nerd like doing his like eighth gig and like going up to the headliners being like oh hey do you want a loaf of bread? I just came from work and yeah they were just throwing all this stuff out listen to Jesus Joker over there

as a headliner now would you accept a loaf of bread from an open mic? You've never been to a live bar listen honestly even as an open mic you've never been to a live bar listen, honestly, even as an open mic-er, if I just met Tommy for the first time, I'd go, do you want a loaf of bread? No

it'd be a firm no you just don't have the face for a guy that should be giving out bread yeah, I'm fat, awful skin got dandruff, I'm like, I brought some bread from work, if young Tommy Dastley came up to you and just said finger bun, no, no, mate. Mini hot dog.

Do you want a custard tart that says count on it? Because I misspelled cut. What about you, Guy? What were you doing in that era? The first one, the one that I got consistently was I was doing a lot of promo, supermarket promo. You know when you go into a supermarket and there's someone handing out samosas of cheese?

Someone giving out Red Bull? Or yogurt or whatever. I did Red Bull, too. You were a promo girl. I was a promo girl. Yeah. I had a fucking hot little ass and all the fellas used to go crazy for it. Stilettos of fishnets.

Have you tried this ice cream? That was all right, but then I broke through to the next tier, which was like, well, I say next tier. Deli shit. No, I didn't get into deli. Because these ones, you don't work at the supermarket. You work for a company. So you show up with a stool.

Oh, yes. You set it up. You hand it out um you're a third party and there was i remember one summer i was doing bundaberg peachy and it was just the middle of this great heat wave in christchurch and that shit was what's that it was like a very very sweet like peach nectar style drink by bundaberg um oh with rum in it no no no just soft drink just like a an old-today ginger beer. But you could get rid of it.

And if you sold out before the end of your shift, you got to leave and you got paid for the full shift. And that's when I was like, I hadn't done comedy or anything, but that's when I started building up shtick, where I'd be like, hey, how are you going? And they'd say, oh, good, thanks. And I'd say, oh, that's a huge relief. I'd be worried about you all day or something like that.

And they'd get a laugh. You sell a soft drink, you're moments closer to being out in the sun. But I eventually got up to like where – So we can thank Bundaberg for your career. When I see you killing on the gala. You can tell my industrious young mind. I mean, none of this shit was on the back of the bottle. Look, this is how, like,

won't even give credit to where you started. Like, where do you think you're going if you can't acknowledge where your help has come from? You're humble. Shout out. I saw a clip of the new special from Adele the other night and they got up the teacher, like her teacher from like year seven or whatever,

that inspired her to keep going with music i want to see the guy montgomery special where you get the bundaberg bear absolutely age yeah you're thanking the bear that's good like they go who gave you start and then here's the guy from the ceo from bundaberg with a little cardboard counter and he's ready to come up and guys Guy's like, sit the fuck down. I did this myself. I did this myself. This is the hustle mindset. Sit the fuck down and look two seats over.

There is Nick, the most dispassionate boss you've had in your life, a washed-up DJ who's coming down every other Tuesday while he gives you a cardboard fucking box full of Bundaberg to drive to New World Rolleston and hawk that. That's the hero who got me my start. But eventually I started putting on like there were some gigs we put on full costume. Gigs. Like I was the anchor mega bull.

There was a milk company here had like a calcium rich milk. And one summer I drove around in a van in the south island and i'd put on go to like agricultural shows and like run these athletics events with kids in this big foam orange bull costume the anchor mega bull um and that was like we had one costume for two weeks and there was no way to dry clean it in these tiny towns and that was like one of the most rancid jobs i've had and i remember like you know you do photos at the end of it and the kids would pull the mask down so they could look through the mouth the paper big paper mache so they could see your face and they'd always go

they would always say there's a lady in there and then you're not allowed to say anything as the bull that's the rule is there like you got to keep your mouth shut so you just fucking take it yeah that's when they grew the mustache i i still couldn't i took me a long time to grow into this stash so that was that's why you got into comedy and that's why you got a mustache okay so this is just a big guy montgomery origin story today not moustache. Okay, so this is just a big Guy Montgomery origin story today. Not precisely. I mean, yeah, this is the abridged version.

I've done a bit of costume work, a bit of like full body like animal costume work. And if the day ends with you not getting the shit kicked out of you by children, it's a good day. It's a win. Like the bar for a successful day is so low. Like didn't have my shins obliterated by eight-year-olds at the front of a football game.'s a win. Like the bar for a successful day is so low. Like, didn't have my shins obliterated by eight-year-olds at the front of a football game. A fucking win.

Yeah. You've been fired, guy? No. I haven't. I got told off once. I went to the cafe and I gave my friend a free coffee and a sandwich and I got busted at cash up at the end of the day and they're like, don't do that. And and I thought fair enough that's taking ownership you're right

yeah I'll take that one on the chin but no I mean there's probably I don't know there's probably some die hard form Montgomery boss listening to the dum dum club being like I fucking fired your ass but I can't remember it I just reframed it blocked it out yeah you like this I've said this before years and years fired your ass, but I can't remember it. I just reframed it. And you blocked it out. Yeah. Well, you'll like this.

I've said this before years and years ago on the show, but I ended up getting a job once at, well, I'll say what the name of the company was. I don't think I said before, but Oxford. I worked for Oxford University Press, who are well-renowned for their reference sections and stuff like that. And it was this bizarre work environment where everyone was like crazy like it was because like i know that a lot of their stuff goes to libraries

but the whole office was like a library as well you weren't allowed to talk or do anything it was it was fucking intense but anyway i ended up getting fired i was like going through a breakup which didn't help things and then i was, they didn't like me for whatever reason. And, uh, I got fired or I got pressured to sort of quit. And, uh, anyway, it went through a whole process and it was all weird and yucky and whatever. And they didn't really feel like we're skimming over all the best details of this story. Yeah. Oh, because we've talked about it before.

They didn't like me for some reason. No, no, no. We've talked about it before though. Okay. Right. Right. Look, no, like honestly, honestly, I could look back and go. They didn't like me for some reason. No, no, no. We've talked about it before. Okay, right, right. No, like honestly, honestly, I could look back and go, I didn't do anything wrong.

I'm not super sure. It was just an energy thing. Well. They just. Wouldn't it be better to be quiet for a reason than the vibes? Right, right, right. Yeah, any story where you're like, i did nothing it's like yeah well okay it was just you as a person yeah you should start saying you stole shit yeah i did well i did i did

get told off a big thing was i got told off of being in meetings that i was invited meetings in which i had nothing to do with the meetings and then that was one of their warnings that i wasn't talking enough in the meetings and i'm like like, just to be clear, I don't know what's happening in here. I don't know what these meetings are about. I've got nothing to do with them. I don't know what's happening. Okay. Yeah, so you just tell them that you're incompetent and you have no idea what's going on in there

and the next thing you know, you're out on your ass. What's going on? I'm with my department. I'm like, they're like, what should we do? What sort of books should we put out? I'm like, I'm the one who designs the covers. Should I be asked for this? I don't know.

So anyway, they pushed me out. They were trying to fire me, but I hadn't done anything wrong. So they were trying to pressure me to quit. And their offer was, and I've talked about this before, but their offer was, if you leave right now, we'll give you four weeks pay. And I'm like, okay. And I talked about you four weeks pay. And I'm like, okay. And I talked about it with a friend.

I was like, well, they've given me this offer. And the guy's like, just so you know, just in case you're not absolutely fucked in the head, that's not an offer they're telling you to leave. You're not going to come back in and you're going to go, actually, I won't take that offer. And then they go, cool. Well, there's your chair. Sit down and on we go. Yeah, they were saying something about severance.

That's a severance pay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even worse than that. So that was their offer and I come back in and then sort of just like something clicked and I was like, hang on. Is that my holiday pay that you're offering me? And they're like, yes.

I'm like, that's not an offer. That's owed to me. Like that's mine whether I leave now or not. And they're like, so just to be clear, is the offer, are you saying to me, you leave now and we will give you your holiday pay, meaning we're offering you nothing to quit right now. And they're like, yes, that's what we're asking. Well, all of a sudden this guy was in meetings going,

I have no idea what's going on at this company. What does anything mean? All of a sudden he's pretty clued up about what's going on. Right night sitting in the books at the library, pushing the glasses up his nose. Yeah, he's with me at university. I'm studying how to fix the F1 machine. He's studying up about holiday pay.

I can see the montage where you're told that you're fired and you're like, let's see what this means. Yeah. You know, if I had had my friend in the meeting with me, I would have been more clued up. So he told me what was going on later on. So then I came back and then argued. I said, man, you've got to give me more money then. And they're like, we'll have a big meeting about it or whatever. And I'm like, okay, whatever. And so then eventually to give me more money then and they're like we'll have a big meeting about it or whatever and I'm like okay whatever

and so then eventually they offered me more money and so I quit and then I had to leave that same day and they like sort of nearly escorted me out of the building and I was like

man I like and I'm sitting there going man I didn't do anything wrong like this is crazy that I've been let made escorted out Jesus Christ that's a fucking

well to be fair they may have heard from the mirror bar advertiser when I snuck all this stuff in the paper but so then I was like you may getting walked out of the Malvern Central's uh shopping center after I'd gotten the ass from Baker's Delight just a just a cardboard box with all my belongings in it my little hat my little apron a big gift and rolls for the road. A baguette sticking out of either pocket. I didn't take a thing! And a copy scroll with C-U-R and then just the icing going out the door. Don't I even get to say goodbye to Pete?

Nah, hit the bricks. So then I'm like really like, man, I didn't even do anything wrong. This is crazy. Like there wasn't like first warning, second warning, third warning. There was nothing. I did absolutely nothing wrong. And then like three weeks later, I find out from someone who still worked there and went, hey, they found out that you spelled a name wrong on the cover of the dictionary.

Oh, wow. Oh, well, that's what would have done it then. Yeah. Well, lucky I did lose my job then because I would have been absolutely within their rights fired for that. Yeah. Oh, my god. Spelt a word on the dictionary cover wrong.

Yeah, that's pretty bad. So what, the name of someone who'd worked on it on the cover? No, no, just a word. You spelt the word dictionary wrong? The Collins Dictionary became the Chandler Dictionary. No, it was a C word dictionary. Let's put it that way.

Wow. Well, I've been thinking, this is what I wanted to talk about today. It kind of ties into this like firings and everything. This is kind of a, this is, yeah, I want to get your guys take on what's happened here because I'm not quite sure what has happened in this relationship with me recently. So I, you guys both know this, but for anyone who's maybe listening for the first time, when I was a kid, I was in hospital

for a couple of years. I had cancer. I survived. No big deal. And we used to – me and my parents used to go to this restaurant on Ligon Street in Melbourne pretty regularly when we were like in and out of the hospital. And because we were there so often, we had the same waitress a lot of the time.

And we struck up a friendship with her. She kind of got really interested in like, why is this family kind of in here all the time? She would have been like 22 or so at the time, I guess. So we, you know, she got really interested in like us and why we were in there all the time and and so yeah we kind of strike up this friendship with her where she would then come and visit me in hospital uh we would like meet up in the park with her and then like when i got better we stayed friends like she lived with her parents at the time i would go and like

hang out at her house and stuff she then it's got the most wicked glint in her eye. Yeah. Sounds like a grooming story. Yeah, yeah. Hang on, was cancer an STD? Was that sexually transmitted disease? It's like, thank God it's a young lady I'm talking about in the story. Because, yeah, otherwise gone like, yeah, it's just this dude at the cafe. And he was like, come to my house. Like, he was visiting me when mum and dad weren't at the hospital with me.

I got this thermometer. Super friendly guy. Sponge, mate. I was living with him and he was telling me that the cancer kept coming back, that I wasn't allowed to go see the doctor and the only way to get better was like being underground, like away from the sun and everything. And he explained bone marrow is a completely different thing. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know. I knew it came out of a bone, but I didn't know how to bone it. Yeah. Anyway, so I'm watching the news 20 years later, and it turns out he's some sort of sex criminal? Yeah. And Bunker Boy wasn't just a fun name for me. That was what the newspapers were calling me.

It was educational. I always thought transplants happened intravenously, but yeah, he kind of showed me that there was another way. Yeah, you can't get skin cancer if you live in a basement. Let's backtrack to the alternative history. Sorry, bunker boy. I'm happy to ride out the clock on this episode of me getting raped

as an 11-year-old if you guys are feeling it. The actual story is far less interesting than the riff. I'm happy to abandon it. You made a fucking bad wish. I just want to abandon it. You made a fucking bad wish. I just want to go outside. Well, sorry, but the foundation can't deliver on that one.

Yeah, my make-a-wish was, stop that. You were like Brendan Fraser. When I said I got a laptop, what I meant was him showing me videos on his laptop. Brendan Fraser's character. Use some fucking lube. Jesus Christ. You're like Brendan Fraser's character in Bedazzled.

Your wish wasn't specific enough. You didn't say who you wanted the blowjob from. And who is his accent coach in that film, guys? I believe it was Matt Damon after a year with Greg. Yeah. Anyway. Great. Okay.

So, yeah, we strike up this, yeah, this friendship with this lady. It kind of ends up being like, yeah, a bit of like an older sister kind of thing where, yeah, we like keep in touch. She kind of became really close with my parents as well. She went through a period where she was, she started seeing this guy and her parents really didn't get on with him. And it was like, you know, very intense to begin with. And she would like come to our house to kind of like vent and escape her family and all this stuff ends up um ends up all working out with this guy uh parents family comes around on it eventually they get married they have kids and again like i stay in touch with her um for yeah like after finishing school and everything

would like go around there and have lunch with her like really really close with her right and then somewhere along the way um just kind of like drifted a bit and realized that like i haven't heard from her in ages i think somewhere along the way i um i updated my phone and i lost a whole bunch of numbers like i don't have a phone number anymore i was thinking about her a little while ago going like yeah i'd love to kind of touch base with her and reconnect and you know see what she's up to these days and and just catch like her her kids would be like teenagers now like it's been yeah it's been ages it's probably been like 10 years since i spoke to her so the other night i went to meet a friend on ligon street and i was walking past the restaurant that she used to work at and that just kind of clicked something in my brain where i go

fuck this i'm gonna i'm gonna try and her. I'll look her up on Facebook. So I find her – I find this person on Facebook. She's got a very distinct name. I find a person on Facebook that's got that name and the profile picture of them is like a – it's like a formal photo or something from when she's in year 12. But she – but immediately I'm like I'm 90, 95% certain that's her. Like the combo of the photo looks familiar,

it's such a distinct name, this person lives in Melbourne. I'm like, okay, I'm pretty sure this is her. So I send it, I go for the friend request. Do you completely remember what she looks like then if you've got the photo of her and you're still not sure? Yeah, I'm sure, but it's because it's like an old photo of her as a kid. Oh, as a kid. It's like her at school.

But I'm like, yeah, I'm so, I mean, I haven't seen her for a long time, but I'm like 95% certain that this is her. So I send the friend request. Then I send a message just going like, hey, I hope I've got the right person. This is me. Just wanted to, you know, check up on, you know, see how you're going and da-da-da. Kind of, you know, feel really good about it.

Feel like this feels great. Like I've reconnected with this person. Like I'm imagining like catching up with her again. Oh, it's going to be so good to see her. I'm sure my parents will be rapt to see her. Like, you know, introduce her to my girlfriend and everything. And then I'm kind of the whole rest of the night I'm so distracted. I'm just hanging on like, you know, am I going response like what's gonna happen here the next day I get up and she's blocked

me because now so it is her so oh no he's gonna fucking come for me the law's gonna get involved I'm gonna have to pay for my crimes no so yeah i i go onto messenger and it's like you you can't um you can't message this person and i go to click on previously i've been able to go onto her profile and i can't go onto her profile now like when i search that name nothing comes up it's completely blocked out for me and so my girlfriend's looked her up on her account she's on. She's been able to find her. So I'm now, and I don't know what's happened. It sounds like you've messaged a year 12 high school student

out of the blue saying, hey, this is who I am. Yeah. It's not an old formal picture of her. It's a current formal picture of her. Yeah, it wasn't. She didn't block you. It was a parental block that kicked in. Net nanny.

Net nanny blocked you. It's like, what's this pedophile doing on my kid's sex work? Yeah, they looked at your picture and went, I'm 95% sure that that's a pedophile. Wow, life comes at you fast. Five minutes ago, I was getting raped when I was 11 years old, and now I'm the pedophile. Wow, life comes at you fast. Five minutes ago I was getting raped when I was 11 years old

and now I'm the pedophile. How it started, how it's going. It's a cycle that never ends. Circle of life. You either die an abuse victim or live long enough to see yourself

become the pedophile. I can't believe... Why does it always escalate to something like this? yourself become the pedophile it was all fun and games it was all fun and games with tommy but when tommy starts fiddling it's not yeah yeah yeah that does sound fairly inexplicable i i can't work out what's going on for someone who, we just kind of drifted apart and we had this, like, very, like, sweet – it was such a – she was such, like, a kind person who just, like, came into our lives out of nowhere,

would come visit me in the hospital all the time, like, just had this great friendship with her. And, yeah, it's really bizarre. And I don't, like – if she's done that, then – if she's done that on purpose, then me doing anything else to try and contact her is insane. Like my girlfriend was like, do you want me to add her and message her? Yeah, can I message her now? If she's done that on purpose then.

I want to message her. I don't know. That's so like, that's so much. I think we should all message her. I think you need to put her name out there and we should all message her and go, why won't you talk to Tommy? Let's like, if she's blocked you because you're creepy

then let's all do it and go, why won't you talk to him? Let's put the creep factor up to 180%. Ursula, if you can message her and say, hi, it's Ursula, head typesetter at the Durban Times. I was just reading a story in my own newspaper

about a misconnection with you and Tommy Daslow. It's an odd spot over here in the newspaper, and I'd really love to follow up and see what happened. That's not bad. I mean, if I'd gone on her page and seen, you know, gone through her likes of things that she's a fan of on Facebook and seen Ursula Carlson in there, then we'd get you up on the gala wearing a free Daslow t-shirt.

Unblocked Daslow on the gala. Unblocked Dasolo. Unblocked Dasolo. I just want to connect with this friend. I want to hear how her life is going. I don't know what I've done. If it's an ex, you go, okay, it ended badly and they just want nothing to do with me.

That's fine, but just like a friendship of someone who was like 10, 15 years older than you at the time, I don't understand what could have happened. I don't know. I mean, I have some theories if you're open to hearing it. Yeah, go for it. Sometimes it hurts to hear it. No, no, I'm happy to hear it.

I need answers. All right. So as a cancer survivor myself, I know you kind of make connections with people, right, during that time when you're sick. Like, say, even if you're, like, going through therapy, you know, treatment or whatever, and then you make friends with people. But in the back of your head, you're like, I don't need, like, we can be really tight friends because you're probably not going to make it. Right. Okay.

Wow. All right. If those people then survive survive you're like oh right right she didn't think she's like oh i could be these people's friend the kid ain't gonna make it it's not gonna be a huge emotional investment for me but then you wouldn't fucking die this is like the sequel to the little engine that could which is like Then you wouldn't fucking die. So now she's like, oh, my God, I've got this family. They won't leave me alone. This is like the sequel to The Little Engine That Could,

which is like that doesn't mean it should have. He's like a fuck buddy but without the fuck. It's like a casual friendship that we know is going to end very soon. I mean, maybe at that restaurant she had a bit of a thing for my dad, and she's heard the statistics that most marriages don't survive a child being sick. So she's like, you know what? I'm going to hang around here somewhere down the line. David and Jane are calling at Spitsville, and that's when I'm going to pounce.

Maybe you're just like a, you know, you were like a little, because you're a kid, you're like a wounded little bird with one leg, and you always give the chips to the birds with one leg because, you know, they got it hard off and then you sort of end up growing another leg. Yes. Fuck this. Fuck this seagull. You're not getting any more chips.

Block. Now this fat, agile seagull is just cashing in. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's an interesting theory as we were, yeah, I mean, we did, we were friends for, like we were in contact for another, I reckon probably 10 years or so, maybe a little bit longer after I got better. Did you stop being friends after you got into comedy?

Did she come to a show of yours by any chance? Just the earth. She had been to a show. Yeah. One of the last times I saw her was she came to a show. So maybe. Really? Yeah, maybe. Really? Maybe it's all starting to line show. Yeah. One of the last times I saw her was she came to a show. So maybe. Really? Yeah, maybe.

Really? Maybe it's all starting to line up. Oh, no. Oh, no. Yeah. That is one hell of a bomb. We'd need to block out of it as well. That is a bad review.

That is a bad review. I'm never getting on Roadshow, and I'm never having contact with this, I thought, lifelong friend. Because that's the thing that's weirdest about it. It's like you can kind of like drift apart from people and get too busy or whatever, but you kind of think like, you know, maybe we'll reconnect again or we'll put those differences behind us or whatever it is.

But this was the last thing. Like if I can't contact her on Facebook, don't have her number, it's crazy mentally to go, I literally am never going to see or hear from this person again. That's it. You know what I mean? The relationship is just done forever now and there's nothing I can do about it. What if Ursula messages her and say, look, I don't know if you've heard, but about Tommy, it's back.

Yeah. The cancer's back. Yeah. And then you lure her back in. Yeah. You just sneak into one of the Donald House. I wouldn't say the cancer. I'll just go, Tommy is in. Yeah. You just sneak into one of the Donald House. I wouldn't say the cancer. I'll just go, Tommy is sick.

Yeah. Because she's been to one of your shows, so she will believe that. You mean mentally, but yeah, we lure her in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. You're right. Very good. We'll see if she's just an ambulance chaser or if she's really a friend.

Right, right, right. Oh, man. I mean, I don't know what to do. Do I let this go? I genuinely last night was thinking like, maybe I'll hire a private investigator. Okay, so you want to go to prison, you fucking maniac? I want to know what happened.

It's bizarre. It's really weighing on me. Maybe she's had her kids, her kids are teenagers teenagers and she's gone through a divorce because that happens. You know, you get to a point. Right. And then you kind of Marie Kondo your life. You know, you go, no, this shit isn't bringing me joy. If it's not going to bring me joy, I'm going to block it.

So as soon as your name popped up, she's like, no, it's too painful. It's part of my past. I'm just going to block it. I can understand that. It's not you, Tommy. Would you like some advice from me, Tommy? Because a very similar thing happened with a friend of mine called Ronnie Chang. Would you like my advice on how I dealt with the situation?

Do you need any of my advice on this? Yeah, I'd love to know the opposite of what I should do. So by all means, tell me what you've been doing. Yeah, what have you been doing? Just messaging him and having him leave me on unread for a long time. I messaged his girlfriend and she was, I messaged Ronnie's girlfriend who said, I don't know what's going on.

What do you mean? I said, oh, look, I think he's really mad at me and I don't really know what I've done or whatever. But hey, we're good friends. He's been a bit of a baby about it. Just can you have a word to him? And then she goes, oh, okay, and then messaged me back a day later going, I think I'd leave it a while.

So maybe that's the advice. Maybe leave it a while. I'm saying I want to hear your advice so I can do the opposite, but it's horrifying for me to realize that I did then look up her husband on Facebook. Oh, my God, you're a stalker. Couldn't find him. I was looking him up.

I was like, fuck, would I do this? Would I, if he was on there, would I be prepared to take this leap? Your wife won't talk to me. Yeah, exactly. Hey, it's me. Are you guys still together? If so, can you go in the next room and ask her what's going on? And if not, can you have a word to whoever she's hooked up with now?

You've turned over the LinkedInin stones instagram twitter you've tried google yeah i tried i tried insta and couldn't find anything but like i i mean i don't know if i'm gonna have any luck with any of those platforms because being left on red or or you know having any number of reasons for like the mary condoing of the life that you were saying is there it's like yeah i could totally understand that but it's like the block is just it's so severe it's like if it's like hey it's if you know if she's maybe she's been through something like that um in her personal life where it's like the memory of all these hospitals and stuff it's just too hard i'm really sorry i'd totally be i'd be upset but i'd be understanding of that but the full block of like maybe i never want you to be able to contact me again maybe she's been ever in

your life maybe she's been catfished by some fake tommy daslos over the years since yeah oh yeah okay she thinks you're for all you know 10 years or you know you haven't spoken to in 10 years so nine and a half years ago she reached out to a guy called Tommy and then they met up and he held her captive for two and a half years and he abused her. And then, yeah, so she's only just, he's in jail at the minute. His real name is Adam. And so she's still working through it.

Emotional scars are starting to heal. Some of the physical stuff she's still working through it. Emotional scars are starting to heal. Some of the physical stuff she's still getting treatment for. And then she's on the precipice. You've done this before. She was just invited to do a TED Talk. You're making me feel bad about even messaging her in the first place. Is this what happens to some of the typesetters in the newspaper? You should apologize.

And then she's just accepted to do a TED Talk about it, about her growth and rising up from all of this, and now you come in. Yeah. You who? It's me again. Yeah. And this is enough to sort of just push her back into that darkness

where she was just at, you know. I feel bad now. I think I need to send her an apology message from my other Facebook account, Dom Casolo, where the profile picture is Daryl Summers on stage at Carol's by Candlelight and just say, hey, it's me again. I'm sorry you got abused. I can understand now what was going on.

That's an actual account if you want to look that up, by the way, guys. Go look it up. My burner account, Domi Tassolo. My sister, Dominique Tassolo. Because the most heartbreaking thing is that I got so, like when I sent the message and like I was walking down Ligon Street, it was like this Saturday just gone in Melbourne.

So it was like the first weekend of everything being back to full capacity in Melbourne. And there was just this like great vibe in the air. I get really, I send that message and I'm like, this is so exciting. I'm going to see her again. I'm going to get to catch up with her. like, this is so exciting. I'm going to see her again. I'm going to get to catch up with her. Oh, this is so amazing. And I, because my dad had asked me like a few months ago

if I, you know, had heard from her recently and I said I hadn't. He's still sniffing around. He's still sniffing around. No, you know why? Because he's already been blocked. He's like, how else can I get in contact with her? Well, this is the thing.

I sent him a screenshot of the Facebook page. This has got to be illegal. With the profile picture. You're sharing files like this now. This is not cool. And I'm like, this is her, isn't it? I've just gotten this bolt of inspiration where I was walking past her old work. I found her on Facebook.

This is her, isn't it? And he's like, yeah, yeah, that's her. I'm pretty sure that's Facebook. I've, like, this is her, isn't it? And he's like, yeah, yeah, that's her. I'm pretty sure that's her. I just showed it to mom as well.

She's pretty sure. So yeah, send the message and let us know how you go. And so this is heartbreaking. I'm going to have to tell my parents at some point that she blocked me.

Like, I just, I can't do that to them. It's going to break their little heart. They don't listen to the podcast. They won't find out through this. Yeah, no, I don't think they would. little heart they don't listen to the podcast they won't find out through this yeah no i don't think they would no they wouldn't listen to this they've got their hands full with ursula's audio book and her award-winning podcast and her newspapers yeah

so look what do you what do you guys think do i do i have a do i have another crack or have i just got to accept that no because every time you open your mouth, there's something else that you have tried. You have tried everything. You've looked up a husband. You've looked up the kids. You've had your girlfriend. You've already gone too far.

No means no. Just leave it the fuck alone. I'm inclined to agree with yours. Have you done therapy before? Yeah Maybe give that another look This hasn't come up But it's probably due

Maybe anyone listening If there's someone who could be like a surrogate For this person So I can just kind of like Pretend that you are her Even that is not moving on. That is like – It's too much.

It's too much. It's being proactive. It's making something happen. I'm with you. I think I would like to know the reason. I would like to know – you can give her name to me and I can ask. I think Ursula – it would mean a lot coming from her. I'd love to find an answer.

I mean, if we somehow get a message to her where we pretend it's like a competition or something and it's like, you just got to let us know who's your favorite comedian. And then we find out, hopefully, it's someone that we have in the world of this show that we know so we can go, okay, well, we tee up a meeting. And then lo and behold, there I am. It sounds like she got permanently turned off the medium about 10 to 15 years ago yeah yeah yeah who's your favorite comedian i can't stand comedy yeah yeah yeah she's got the two masks on the wall throwing out the one that's laughing and i'm just keeping the sad drama one what's your favorite comedy the girl with the dragons okay all right well we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the little dumb dumb Sad drama one. What's your favourite comedy? The Girl with the Dragons. Okay. All right.

All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club. Guy and Ursula, thank you very much. That was very, that was genuinely very therapeutic for me. So thank you for, thank you for counselling me for the last half an hour. It's been a delight. Ursula, you've got a big old tour starting up in Alfine Island very soon. Yeah, I do.

I'm going back to our natural habitat, the Melbourne Town Hall. Oh, our natural habitat. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we're doing Melbourne Comedy Festival for the month. I'm in there. And then just kicking off and doing the whole of Aussie. Well, the whole of all the places I want to go to.

I know heaps of people go, what about our town? I had a look at it and I didn't find it interesting. Big news, you're not going to Adelaide. All right, great. I know, I love Adelaide. You have to go to Adelaide. The women are loose and the wine is flowing. Why would you not?

I love a low-cut top. Starting in February, March, April, big, big, big new stand-up show from Ursula. Awesome. Guy, you've got a brand-new comedy special out there that people can download and enjoy. I do, actually, yeah, on my Bandcamp. If you look up Guy Montgomery on Bandcamp, it'll be the number one hit. Please, it's only $5 or as much as you want. Well, I understand actually you can listen to it for free three times,

which is not a very effective sales pitch. But I'm also, I'm not on sale yet, but I'm coming back, baby. I can't wait to get over to Australia. I'm definitely going to do Melbourne and Sydney, maybe other places. I've really missed like i fucking i mean it's you you obviously you travel back and forth a lot but you've spent a bit of time over there but you missed melbourne this year hey the festival yeah fuck like yeah holy shit that's one of the best months of my life or like yeah every year like i you know you can sort of go well you get to a point where you go,

you probably don't need to do festivals anymore. I'm like, yeah, but I have to do Melbourne. Melbourne feels like you're just plugged into this insane creative space where everyone is just buzzing creatively. And I feel like if I don't do Melbourne, I just will completely lose, you know, grip on the whole scene. just i love it it was a great festival this year in melbourne um specifically because you weren't there ursula so there was a lot more ticket sales for everyone else to share around it was a fucking yeah that's

fucking over now yeah to be honest we were all saying this year, fuck, 2021 was so good because there were no internationals. And we're all in here in Melbourne kind of dreading 2020 a little bit, to be completely honest with you. But, hey, looking forward to seeing you guys. Yeah. It'll be cool hangs, but it'll be shit at box office. So, yeah. All right, guys. Well, thanks very much for listening.

And we'll see you next time. See you, guys. Well, thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again. Oh, right up the bum. Block. Don't want to hear it. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

How dare you? I want to see this chick. I want to see this person. Can you tell me who it is So I can look them up No I can show you the pic though Oh can you Yeah Oh you did a bit of screenshotting

Before you got blocked No I mean it's just still in my Still in your what In my outbox In my messages Oh Her profile pic Oh you can check it

Okay Don't read her name out But Oh that's a very old picture Yeah Right But I mean I was thinking about it and that wouldn't have been all that long before i met her right do you know what i mean so in mentally in

my mind's eye that's the that's the person i remember okay and so you can see like from the name that is a very specific name yes and to even to even go, this person even looks 70% of what I remember. Right. And they live in Melbourne. Yeah. Well, it just has to be them. Yes. There's no way there can be multiple people with that name who look kind of the same.

Yes. Without giving the name away. Has that sort of made you a bit more racist than what you were before? This whole experience? Yeah. I mean, she's Greek. I'm fine with saying that. Oh, wow.

Well, that narrows it down, guys. Folks listening, if you're out there at the Orthodox Church, just get up there and make a bit of an announcement. Hey, this podcast I listen to. Just if you can somehow do a search on Facebook for Opolis at the end of surnames. It's not actually that. Yeah. Wow.

Okay. It's absolutely narrowed it down, guys. Made it a lot easier. You don't need to start looking for any Italian or Oriental people anymore. Yeah. No. I want to message you. Can I message you?

I don't feel good about that, I'll be honest. Okay. What about with my fake account, Gary Chook? Can I mess with you with that? Yeah, that's okay. I think I've... Yeah, I've got a... I don't know.

I don't know. I'll be interested to hear from the listener what the listeners think I should do. Do I just have to let this go or should I... What I'd love is for a listener to hit me up and go, you know what, I'm a private eye. i'll do this pro bono for you someone fucking hit me up a couple weeks ago saying that they're a private eye oh there was some private eye yeah with red red diamonds and will be wild it's me i'm a private eye. Thank God you're here. I found the killer.

Someone, I don't know what we were talking about, but a couple of months ago, someone hit us up and went, I'm a private eye if you want to find out. And I didn't have any need for it. I can't remember what the context was, but someone did say, I think there were even a beginner private eye that listens to this show. Okay. A public eye. I could do this. this show. Okay, a public eye. I could do this.

Yeah, a pre-private eye. Well, I mean, because the problem is that, you know, at this point I can go, you know what, her not wanting to talk to me and as far as I know, I've done nothing here. So this is bizarre. And you could argue that by talking about it on the podcast, I've already hit that point. At the point that I'm getting private eyes involved

and other people messaging her, it's like, well, now I am doing something that heavily justifies not talking to me. I'm acting insane, which I think I've now already crossed that threshold by. Kind of why I wanted to bring it up on the show was now I'm over that threshold of being a psycho. So anything I do from here on out is just more grist for the mill.

Like I've gotten that out of the way. I'm now officially in psycho territory. Yeah, it's sort of like if you've killed someone, you might as well kill a few people. Absolutely. Because you're going down for it. Like have fun before you get caught. I had a friend in high school who legitimately used to say that.

He's like, if I was ever going to jail for anything, the night before I went in, I'd just be going crazy. I'd be assaulting people. I'd be doing this. It's like you're going to jail anyway. It's like, but you said for anything. You could be going for like 30 days for not paying a parking fine. It's like, I don't care.

I'd still just be going around doing whatever I want. You could be going in there as a janitor working. Nah, just kill someone on the way. You could be visiting someone who's in there, a relative. Could be a conjugal visit. Could be going in there for a route. Nah, nah, nah. Might as well fucking fly a plane into the Twin Towers, actually.

Yeah, look, I'm totally like, you know, you're saying, put that question out to the listeners. Should I this? Should I? I don't care about any of that stuff anymore. I just want the answer. I just want to know. I want to know, yeah.

I just want to know why. Like, I feel like I've been on that side of it with relationships where you go, why was I dumped or why did this happen? Why are you like this? Now I've got that for you with a fucking weird relationship that you sort of don't even care about until now. Yeah, I mean, a relationship you can kind of go, well, it was something, whether or not you got the answers.

It's like people end, you know, like a romantic relationship. It's like, yeah, they were just, the answer could be as simple as they just weren't in love with me anymore and that's hard to hear but that's fine but this is just like this is just a yeah a threat like the heartbreaking thing is yeah having to explain this to my parents when i've made the mistake of letting them know that i'd made contact before i'd gotten the response because my dad was telling someone about this person recently while I was there. And he goes, honestly, at the point that she came into our lives, she is an angel. It just was like going on and on about like how she like really like boosted our spirits.

And she was such a sweet, kind soul. And I'm like, this is heartbreaking. I can't go back to him and tell him I got blocked. I would genuinely, like if we can try this, I would genuinely like Ursula to get in contact with her because I feel like, you know, you've said something and she's gone blocked for whatever reason. If I do it, she'll probably look at my profile

and go, friends with Tommy Dassler or whatever. Block. If a celebrity gets involved. We need star power. Absolutely. If a celebrity gets involved, that's like a policeman asking. Yes. It's like, oh, well, this is need star power. Absolutely. If a celebrity gets involved, that's like a policeman asking. Yes. It's like, oh, well, this is a higher power.

Yeah. I sort of have to, like, if, yeah, if you're having a fight with someone and you're like, I'm not talking to that person, but then all of a sudden Delta Goodrum said, what's going on here? You'd be like, sorry, Delta. It was, yeah, I mean, she kissed someone else and yeah, I mean, now I don't want to talk to her. Right, right, right. Yeah. So I think, I think, she kissed someone else and, yeah, I mean, now I don't want to talk to her. Right, right, right.

Yeah, so I think you have to serve the high power. But that's also hard without knowing, you know, what her tastes are. Because, I mean, look, Ursula is a big name, absolutely, on TV a lot. Man her at the town hall, you can't get any bigger. Yep, selling out at the town hall. But it is still conceivable if, you know, if you're not watching the gala, you're not watching Have You Been Paying Attention, it's conceivable that you could not know who she is. But she's got – I did the mum test today.

On the way here, I talked to my mum. She said, what are you doing? I said, I'm doing a podcast. Ursula Carlson, do you know her? She goes, yeah. Okay. And Guy Montgomery, do you know him? No.

Okay. Sorry, Guy. But where does your mum – because your mum watches Have You Been Paying Attention? They have TV. Yeah. Yeah. But my No. Okay. Sorry, guy. But where does your mum... Because your mum watches... Have you been paying attention? They have TV. Yeah? Yeah. But my parents know her. Oh, no, you know...

Because I was like, oh, you'd know her if I've ever been paying attention. I don't really know if she... I think she watches that sometimes. Okay. But when I said, do you know her? And she goes,

yeah, yeah, she's a mask singer. Oh. Yeah. See, my parents aren't watching either of them. I don't know. My parents know her, but through her doing gigs with me oh and then but your mom and dad are both open micers to be fair yeah exactly yeah yeah they see her they supported her once yeah um yeah they they came

to some shows i did once where she was on and then spent a bit of time with her backstage and loved her comedy and loved her as a person oh i don't know if my parents would know her if it wasn't for that they're not my my parents are as bad as checked out on free-to-air as you can possibly get. Right. So you've really got to do a lot to break. I mean, the answer is you just have to have gigged with me at something that they've been at. Right.

That's their net of knowing who anyone is. They're just watching Amazon Prime and binge all day, are they? Yeah. Just. Yeah. Don't even own a TV anymore, guys. Yeah, they actually, they are on my, I gave them my Prime login so that they could watch the return of Packed to the Rafters.

Oh, perfect. Yeah. And then mum watched an ep and then she called me up and she's like, so when's it on again? Like, what are you talking about? She's like, when can we watch it again? When's the next one? I'm like, mum, it's whenever you want it to be.

You've just got to go through that arduous process of using my login where then I'm getting texts going, there's a new login on your account do you want to confirm this yeah having and then having to call them up and go is this you trying to get on yeah like a nightmare and do i have to type in i want to suck off pamela anderson 69 every time i log in is that what i do what's this recently viewed i don't look at that but so my point being ursula it's conceivable it's you know it is possible that there could be a person. If you're just checked out on enough of that stuff. Although, yeah, I could imagine her being a Masked Singer watcher.

But imagine us getting like, if we just go big guns, we get Husey onto it. And he's just, that's something where you're getting name recognition. The minute you see that message come up, you're getting that name recognition. Why have you blocked him? What if she just started, if we just employed all of our big name guests to do this? And it's just Ursula, Husey, Gleeson. Yep. Who else?

Denise Scott. It's basically just cameo. Yeah. Yes. It's getting cameos for someone that you're stalking. Can we please? People must have done that. Let's do it.

Let's do it and not tell the other friends that they're part of a harassment campaign. Well, we get people to do Rad Dad and we just give them a script and then they read out what we've written. Oh, yeah. So we could just, it's basically the same thing. It's just, can you just read what's on this piece of paper? No, let's write Rad Dad scripts with the bits in there. With this in there.

That we want to send to her. With this thread in there that we need to... I mean, I really want to walk back from it sounding like I am stalking this person. I'm not. I've looked at... I don't know where she lives. I don't know. Literally, I've tried on Facebook and I just...

And these are all things we're saying and haven't done yet. So at the moment, this is legal. This is a flight of fancy. Yes. This is all comedy. Yeah. This person haven't done yet. Yeah. So at the moment, this is legal. This is a flight of fancy. Yes. This is all comedy. Yeah. This person doesn't even exist. I've just remembered what you showed me then was a joke.

I made it up. Yeah. This is all fiction. That's right. I didn't have anything to say. I was like, oh, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't even have cancer.

Yeah, me too. I've never even had a job. So, yeah. That wasn't Guy Montgomery and Ursula Carlson. No. Those were two impersonators. Yeah. That was Greg Larson and Ben Russell. Yeah. Yeah. That wasn't Guy Montgomery and Ursula Carlson. No. Those were two impersonators. Yeah, that was Greg Larson and Ben Russell. Awesome.

All right, fun. Like we said at the top of the show, live news. Heathcote is going ahead. Thanks to everyone who bought tickets and bought tickets on the Milan Fun Bus. Really looking forward to, yeah, what that's going to be is a packed bus with me and you on it and milan running the show and and nice little 90 90 minute to two hour trip from melbourne to heathcote uh might do like a pub stop on the way or something like that getting up and doing the show and uh yeah look i've talked to the pub they're like excited but they're also like yeah can you fuck off before the regulars get in so that's fair

yeah absolutely fair they're they're sort of you know they're a bit like um i don't know whether they're ashamed of us or they're more just like i'll stop you there yeah or more that uh they just they just don't want to interfere with the the locals coming in every week it's like sure you can have 100 people in here being fucked in the head once in our lifetime, but we need these 50 people to get their palmas every single Saturday. Yeah. I think they also probably are thinking that there's an element of us going up to laugh at them, perhaps, and they're a little bit on the edge about that.

I don't get that vibe. I've talked to them. I certainly did have that vibe. I did have that fear, But, and especially since then, I found out that the owners did listen to this podcast. Great. And they still agreed to it. So they mustn't have listened to much of it.

Okay, right. They listened to just enough. They checked out right as it was getting juicy. Right as we were like, let's go to a fuck joint. Let's go to the worst fucking, fuck, shit, all fuck, Let's burn everything down. Fuck you. Imagine living here. Yeah. What a fuck hole. Well, we'll see that when come as we can. Let's burn everything down. Fuck you. Imagine living here.

Yeah. What a fuckhole. Well, we'll see that when we do the show. But anyway. But by then it's too late. Yes. Way too late. We'll already have drunk their place dry.

Suck shit, idiots. Yeah. You made a lot of money. So that's going to be heaps of fun. That's December the 11th. A big trip up from... And look, everyone's of fun. That's December the 11th, a big trip up from – and look, everyone that's got tickets will get the email or give you all the specific information of the bus trip

and whatever if you've got the bus ticket. So that's going to be heaps of fun. Our first little live sort of a show back for quite a while after all of our various lockdowns and such. Then we've got the big Melbourne 500th episode. It's genuinely – look, let's change our mentality. It's actually happening. Very, very confident of it.

It just literally is going to happen now, which is very exciting. Not that far away. Less than two months to go. It is very small numbers of tickets left. So please get onto that. Let's sell it out. And remember to come along because someone told me that in this new world where people have owned tickets to things for two years, people just flat out forget they own tickets and forget to go.

So make sure you do that. January, Saturday night, January 15th, we're going to have an after party after it as well. So if you're into that, we'll have more details of that to come. And then after that, Tommy. January 29th, we're in Brisbane. Again, a rescheduled date. All your original tickets are still valid. We've got the big live podcast and stand-up show

that's at 2.30 at Lefty's. Then we wrap that up. We go across the street to Good Chat Comedy Club and we do a live Talking Dum Dum. That is going to be a lot of fun. We've got that all booked. We've got some great guests for it. It is going to be a lot of fun. We've got that all booked. We've got some great guests for it. It's going to be awesome.

It's all sold out. But yeah, if you had your original tickets, they are still valid and you will be contacted very soon, if not already. Yep. And then we've got, of course, the rescheduled date that we set up at the top of the show of Perth. Finally, rescheduled Perth.

And that's for March 5th. March the 5th. Fifth. Saturday, March the 5th at the Rosemount Hotel. Nice to be getting in there. Borders open by then, we presume. Getting in and just letting rip with the old virus-a-roonie. Yeah.

Sucked in, McGowan. You can't keep it in forever. Yeah. Because guess what? Everyone down here has it, and we don't even know about it because we're vaxxed and we have no symptoms. Yeah. So it's only a cold, guys.

So we'll be coming over for a little march of our own over there. Yeah. A march through the community, spreading the plague. So get on to that. You'll be contacted by the venue, I believe, or the ticketing organisation. over there yeah um a march through the community spreading the plague so uh get onto that you'll you'll be contacted by the uh venue i believe or the ticketing organization i think we are on slightly earlier than we were meant to be fucking two years ago whenever we're supposed to do the show so just make sure you check the times because uh it's a band venue and we have to get out in

time for fucking some abba cover band i presume or or some bullshit. So someone like that has got to come in and check their fucking harmonies for Mamma Mia. And yeah, we've got to get out of there before that happens. I went to a band on Saturday for the first time in 18 months and it was fucking awesome. Great. I loved it. Yeah. Look, I'm happy with all that, but it'd be nice to start a little bit later. But anyway, someone's got to come in and fucking tune their banjo or fucking some shit.

Did something that I was kind of meaning to do more of before the pandemic hit, which is just roll the dice on a pub gig. Just see a band at a venue and just go, sure, I'll go watch that for 20 bucks. Go in not knowing anything about them. Had a great time. Yeah, great. Melvin band called Bones and Jones. Shout out to them.

Check them out. Yeah, that is a good thing that I should do more of, which is just go to a band that I'm not absolutely psyched to see. Well, this was perfect. I was meeting a friend for dinner at this venue and then got there and I was like, oh, there'll be a gig upstairs. And today's like full capacity day. Fuck it.

Let's just go up. Yeah, great. Pretty great. Awesome. Well, speaking of awesome, there's a lot of awesome people out there, Tommy, that subscribe to our Patreon. Of course, that is the way that we continue to run this as a show. This is our job.

Yep. And we need to get paid. This content that we put out every week is not free. No. We obviously employ a team of writers. Yep. Everything we did today, it was probably, honestly No. We obviously employ a team of writers. Yep. Everything we did today, it was probably, honestly, 5% to 10% of that was our own ideas.

Visual effects. Don't forget them. They come in. Yeah. A lot of CGI. A lot of visual effects on this podcast. Yep. As you guys can tell.

Yeah. It's pretty obvious. Yeah. So it's not free. We need all of your money to make this magic happen. Thank you very much to everyone who does do that. But of course, we need more. We need much more.

Because you don't know what this could turn into if we got more. Like we should set... This could be twice as funny. Like we, to be honest, we hire some pretty dog shit writers at the moment that's pretty obvious yeah if you give us more money we'll be able to get like

the creme de la creme the guys from Fast Forward yeah you know the guys from Full Frontal yeah the guys from The Comedy Company we can get Con the Fruit

or a writing for us yeah yeah yeah absolutely we can get Moola Doola Roola Bulla and Agape to write for us we can get Dave O'Neill submitting sketches to us

love Dave O'Neill submitting sketches to us. Love Dave O'Neill, but it's great. He was like the guy that was writing on everything in the 90s and then now I've been on shows where he's writing, where he's very begrudgingly writing on something going, I don't need to fucking write on a show anymore. Right. And him just coming in for like two hours a day and going, oh, then what else happened?

Someone fucking fell over or something. Anyway, lunchtime. The way you've described it, it reminds me of that bit in The Simpsons where Krusty comes in to record his lines for the talking Krusty doll. Yes. And he's ripped them all out before the guys even started the tape. Yes. That's Dave.

Yes. I've been on a show before where he's come in at 11 o'clock and then gone to lunch before 12 and then come back and gone, all right, what are we supposed to... Dinner time. Here's one. Anyway, I've got to pick up the kids from school. Yeah, love that. See you, everyone.

Love that. So very funny. So yeah, thanks to everyone who supports the show. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub. You can get two bonus episodes every week with special guests where we do little mini episodes. We just riff around for about 15 minutes or so, often longer than that.

But yeah, 15's the target and then we regularly hit 25 or so. But, yeah, they're all great. We tell the guests it's 15, then we end up doing half an hour and saying, sorry, you're getting paid the same money, so sorry. And, of course, as I just mentioned then and as I talked about briefly in the episode, we are back to full capacity in Melbourne at the moment, and we have been very limited because of the density limits

with the number of names that we've been able to read out in this bit of the program. And so, yeah, we're back to full capacity, which means there's no caps. Previously it was one name per four square metres of my house, but now we can read out as many as we want. There's no limits. We were only reading out names that had masks attached to them as well so now we don't have

to do that anymore yeah yeah so that's great uh all right let's do as many as we want uh actually i wonder how many we're going to want to do uh thank you very much i'm really hungry so not many that thai restaurant is calling me because it's quarter to two and i don't know how long they do lunch for. So let's get into it. All right, let's rip in. If we get too late, they're going to start charging me full price and we can't have that happen.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber number one, first cab off the rank this week, Heath Sheehan. Heath Kutt. No. Oh, yeah. Heath Kutt Sheehan. The man with the shittest pub inside his own name. Heath Sheehan. Yeah. Heathcote Sheehan. The man with the shittest pub inside his own name. Heath Sheehan.

Yeah. The principal at my school, his surname was Sheehan. And there was a, I'm sure I've talked about this before, but there was a rumor that went around my school that back in the day he had rooted Olivia Newton-John on a pool table. Which I would have to imagine was a rumour started by him. Fuck. I've just, sorry, I've just double-checked.

We've already done Heath Sheehan. Oh. Fuck you, Heath Sheehan. Maybe that's what I was saying. I'm sure I've read this story before. That was probably when. Yes. That's completely true.

Sorry, there's been a glitch in the matrix there. Well, there you go, Heath. You can listen back to the other time that I read it out. I'm sure you've clipped it out and you listened to it nightly and you can compare the two separate times of me reading the story and see if it got better the second time around. Yes. All right, let's do another first cab off the rank.

Oh, my God. That cab that came off the rank is not an actual cab. It was an Uber. Negative one cab off the rank. Yes, it was an Uber negative one cab off the rank yes it was an Uber it was not yellow in any way

thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Matt Deegan this is more like it that first cab off the rank was like the that was more like when you're at the airport

in a foreign country right and there'll be the guys that are like do you need a ride from the airport and they're doing that next to a sign that says

do not accept rides from people who approach you. Oh, I thought it was like a late night first cab off the rank and it's like I'm in the city.

Where do you live? Richmond? Nah, not long enough, mate. Nah. Nah. Where do you live? Frankston? Too far.

Yeah. You tell me where I should live. I live at the airport. No worries. Alright, let's go. What's the suburb? What's the suburb where it's not too far and not too short? Where's the right place to live as far as taxi drivers are concerned?

You know what? I think the key is on the way home. I think that's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's late enough. Yeah. That's very true. I think it's more like it should be like that should be the transcript of the conversation.

Can I get in? Where are you going? I don't know. Where do you live? Yeah. Can I get in? Where are you going? I don't know. Where do you live? Yeah. Can I stay with you? And since you're just going home, do I not have to pay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll get your halves. Getting wind of it. Getting wind of it like a – people must have tried that on. A taxi driver being like, oh, yeah, once I drop you, I'm just down the road from my house. Yeah. There would be some tight cunt out there who's like, well, I mean, you're going here anyway. Yes.

So, you know, what are we talking here? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe they live even further out. It's like, just, I'll get out at your place. Yeah. And then I'll catch a cab from there.

Okay. Yeah. Ring one of your mates on the way. Can I come in and use your home phone to call a cab from your house to mine? Yeah. Yeah. Can I actually drive your cab if you're just going a cab from your house to mine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I actually drive your cab if you're just going to go home? How about I just drive you home?

Yeah. And then I keep going? Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. I'll come and pick you up tomorrow and drive you back to work. I'd like to be a cab driver for like a day or a weekend.

Yeah. Or an Uber driver. Or an Uber driver. That's what I meant. Do that kind of thing. Actually, I think I could now. My car was too old for a while. Oh, yeah?

But actually, no. I think my new car is like from the same year as my old one. Oh, really? It's probably still too old. Oh. My current car is 20... I think it's a 2010. 2010 or 2012.

I can't remember. Is that too old? I think so. What is it? Like 10 years? I think... Yeah, I think that might be it. I mean, someone will know.

That would be good if someone brought in a... Surely there's a market for a cooler, older car, Uber, where it's like, all right, you know, I want to get driven to the airport in a Mustang or I want to get driven home from Revolver at 3 a.m. You mean like a service called, just off the top of my head, Uber shit? No, that's not shit. That's in a routine of yours.

That's an old routine I had, kind of early-ish days of Uber, when I cooked it up, which was they had the pricier ones, and yeah, my car wasn't good enough to do it, and it was like there should just be a budget option, which is fucking anything can turn up. Yes. No doors on it. You're rolling the dice, but you're like, tell you what, got there in. Got there for three bucks. Yep.

Not bad. Yep. The great man quoting his own gear. Love it. Yep. Check it out on his Netflix special. Yep. Telling it like it is.

The closer. The closer. Yep. Stool, sitting on a stool for a full hour. Mm-hmm. Matt Deegan. Check it out. The closer. Tommy Daslow. Yeah. Stool. Sitting on a stool for a full hour. Mm-hmm. Matt Deegan. Check it out. Check out that Netflix special.

Deegs. D-I-E-G-E-N. In German, the gen. The gen. The gen. The gen. The gen. The generation.

Now we're talking. The gen fricker. Yep. Matt, the gen fricker. The gen fricker. The gen fricker. The gen frickericker the gen fricker gen fricker at the gen fricker um at comedy gen fricker at mr gen fricker uh at gen fricker comedian oh yeah at gen dot Yeah, at Jen.Fricka. Yep. Yeah. Is there any more? At Fen Gricker?

Yeah, she was on Facebook. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's all of them. I think that's all. What's your favorite of them all? I do sort of like Mr. Oh, Official.

At Official Jen Fricka. That's another one. My Facebook page is Carl Chandler Official, I think, which is a good one. Because, yeah, I mean, a lot of the time it's like people who've just, they're trying everything. They're trying everything to just get their actual name in there with no bells or whistles. And it's like, all right, here are my options.

The Mr. Official Comedy Comedian. Yeah. Because it all seems a little bit better than going, you know, all right, here are my options. The Mr. Official Comedy Comedian. Yeah. Because it all seems a little bit better than going, you know, all right, well, Tommy Daslow's taken. Tommy Daslow 2, not a great look. Yeah. You've got to use a version where it's like, he meant this. No, no, no.

I'd like to be known as Mr. Tommy Daslow. I've done that on a couple of things where I've gone to sign up and for whatever reason I can't use what I want. I've chucked the birth year on the end. If you're going to have to have a number on the end, that seems like the cleanest way to do it. Yeah. That's better than just a random set of numbers or like one or whatever.

It's like at that point, at least the birth year is a little personal. I am, of course, the only person that was born in 1986. Yes. I'm a miracle baby. You're the only person with the last name Daslo for starters because you made it up.

Yeah. So you shouldn't need that number on the end. It's happened on a couple of things that I've signed up for. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

I really need to get in touch with the girl I knew did have, as a present, got given a personalized number plate. So I probably brought this up before. I found this very funny. But it would only be funnier now because she got given personalized number plates as a birthday present. Didn't ask for them.

So to have personalized number plates thrust upon you. That's huge. I think is sort of weird. And what was it? Because it's like, well, for one thing, they're called personalized. They're not personalized by you. Yeah. Yeah, but they don't. that's the beauty of it.

They don't say personalized by you license plates. It's personalized by someone. Yeah, a robot didn't do this. A person did, just not you. So what was it, a nickname or an in-joke or what was it? I believe it was the initials of the person okay then the year of their birth which is even then this is a long time ago but even then very clear like the person said to me the girl said to me why the fuck do i need people knowing how old i am yeah this is back when she

was like say 21 or something. Yeah. But she could see the future. Like this is now, this girl would be 40 now. Right. Which every year is just becoming a worse number plate, really. Right, yeah. You don't need that information out there.

It's sort of up to the person whether they want to divulge their age or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On average, I would say girls are probably less into it than guys as well. Yeah, absolutely. I thought about getting the, you know, the personalized plates you can get that's just like, not, like the, you can get the different kind of stuff around the edges. So you can get the ones that have like the Japanese text down the bottom.

Okay. I don't know what it says, but I just, it's like just the ultimate, every time I see a car that's got like the Japanese plate on it, I always go to... My immediate thought isn't, Japanese person owns this car. I think some fucking weeb, some anime fan, just has had to have the Japanese text on the car. I'm like, I'm kind of into it. I think I'm going to do it.

How long have I had my fucking Gotym plates for now? Well, it was your 40th birthday present. Oh, it was too. It took me about a year to do it didn't it took it took you ages to put it on for quite a while but yeah yeah it's about five years ago right no about four i think i think i think it took me a year um yeah having said that not like a driver and heaps but uh i certainly do find it weird i i know that people must in the the garage of the apartment building i live that people walk past and go why is that why is that fucking it's pretty good yeah if i lived in

an apartment building where i saw personalized number plates every day i would be like what the fuck's that come thinking it's one of those weird like quote unquote pranks where it's like the shame of it is that you never get to see the reaction. You never get to, because yeah, people daily would have a weird thought about it. Yes. But you never get to be privy to that. Yes. Which is the great, you know that you're causing some mild form of chaos out in the world, but you're just detached from it.

I'm raising questions. Yeah. At the very least. I should have my number, my phone number on the car. They say the plate, then they sell the number on the car, and it just says, give us a text and tell me what you think is going on. That's not bad, yeah. People like, so someone who's in the market for a car,

from a distance they're like, they see the number, and they just assume, oh, this car's for sale. Great. It's a pretty old car. Might be going for a steal. I'm a 19-year-old. I don't have much to spend. Great.

Good fixer-upper as well. Then they get a bit closer and it's like, text me and let me know what you think of my number. They're like, what the fuck? Now that,

now you've got two levels of prank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know what people that listen to the show think about it, but like, you know, we haven't even made that joke.

The man on the street. We haven't used that reference or made that joke for fucking years. So even new listeners would get on and go, what the fuck's that about? Yeah. But for the normal people. Yeah. For the normies out there.

Yeah. But Matt Degain. Thanks. Thanks. Degain. Thanks, Degain. Yeah. Thanks, Degain.

Matthew Degain. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Well, let's have a crack. Let's be confident. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Simha Mamalenni.

Mamalenni? Mamalenni. Are you sure we haven't read this one out before? No, I'm being serious. I'm actually being serious. No way. Mamalenni, for some reason, it really rings a bell. No, I'm being serious. I'm actually being serious. No way. Mama Lenny, for some reason, it really rings a bell. Really?

It really does ring a bell. How can it? All right, I'm looking it up. I didn't even bother checking it because I'm like, well, there's absolutely no chance that that's happening. I'm looking it up. I mean, the mouth sound of Mama Lenny, it's like, I don't know. Fuck, I have done it up. I mean, the sound. If I've forgotten. The mouth sound of Mama Leniny. It's like, I don't know. Fuck, I have done it too.

I knew it. Jesus Christ. I knew it sounded familiar. Can we? All right. Are we going to be fucking done with this before dinner time? Sorry. Jesus Christ.

Honestly, I looked at that and went, as if I could have ever read that out and not remembered it, but I'm fucking wrong. But the difference is, I can understand seeing it and it not ringing the bell, but like I said, hearing the vocal sound of Mama Lenany, I was like, I was immediately transported back to a previous riff. Sorry. I wonder what we would have said. God, if those two names were actual freshies, God, we'd be nearly done by now.

I know. We've barely gotten one. I know. Sorry. Sorry. Jack Cox. Damn. Thank you very much.

Based on subscriber, Angus Fleming. Angus Fleming. Yeah. Any bells being rung here? Well, I mean, I saw No Time to Die recently, so it's ringing a bell from the opening credits. Oh, okay. All right.

That's the new James Bond, is it? Yeah. Damien Fleming, the Australian cricketer, is the new James Bond. Spoilers. Wow. I'm going to see that this weekend, this coming weekend. So if you want to come and – Hey, look, we're talking about live show tickets being available. If you want to come and get Gold Class at –

Yeah, give out the session time. Okay. At Crown. Shopping Town. Oh, Donny. Shoppo. Doncaster. Head out to Donny.

If you want to come to Gold Class at about, I think, midday or something on Saturday. Okay. Yep. Me and my wife will be out there chucking Maltesers down the aisle. Are you wearing the tux? Ooh, that's pretty good. It's not a bad move. I wonder if we're going to dress up. Gold Class.

You go on Gold Class, you feel like maybe you should dress a little nice. And then you go into Bond on top of that, it's like, well, I mean, I'm already wearing a shirt and a nice jacket. Yeah. It's really not doing too much more to chuck the bow tie on and absolutely go in character. Maybe I just do that and like my wife gets ready, goes to the car. I just go, oh, I just forgot something. I double back. Yeah.

Put the tux on. Yeah. Then come back and jump in the car. She goes, what are you doing? And then I'm like, nothing. And then boom, boom, take off. Give her no chance. Chuck the comedy plates onto the Aston Martin

and head up to Shoppo. Yeah, that's the James Bond trick on my beam. And now the plates turn around to just be a normal person's number plates. Yeah, yeah, yeah, great. That's the big trick instead of a smoke screen or anything. That's Q's big gadget for this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The plates that make you look like a fuckhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what if that happened on james bond's car he just twists it around all of a sudden he has a number he's big dik yep and they're all like and like all the bad guys are like scared off by it yeah oh fuck yeah we can't mess with big dick yeah um it's pretty good yeah that's pretty good film that's it oh is it yeah that's good it's all right i'm not a pretty good film that's it oh is it yeah that's good it's alright

I'm not a big Bond head but yeah I went for a friend's birthday and had a pretty good time had a pretty good time with it I will say that I do think a lot of the heavy lifting

of that was done by the fact that it's just nice to be back in the cinema yes definitely a film that has benefited by all the delays

because it's like nearly everyone I've... Nearly everyone I know who's seen it, I've said, what do you think? And they've gone, it's great to be back at the cinema. Look, yeah, I don't go to the cinema that often, particularly in the last 18 months.

So, yeah, it's got to be pretty shit for me to not go and enjoy it. But I'm also not taking many chances. I'm not going to see stuff I think might be shit. It's a good one to see in Gold Class too because you're you're really getting your money's worth there for a while it is nudging three hours yeah yeah that's why we're going early go in the middle of the day go on a shoppo oh you are going to be fucking you are going to be doing some bond-esque driving to get into running your little comedy show that night yeah I thought you're going to

say some bond-esque we you know, things are going crazy shopping-wise. I tried to go to Chadston the other day. Got there at like 11. It was like, too late, mate. Place is fucking full. Couldn't get a park. Turned around and had to go home. That's devastating.

I need to go to Chadston to take my computer in to get fixed. It's been fucked nearly since the day I bought it. I bought it in lockdown last year. Oh. And then there's been very limited time where things are open. And then you've got a backlog of stuff. And it's exactly what you're talking about. It's like a trip out to Chadston to go to the Apple store.

Rightly or wrongly, in my head, I'm like, that's a day. That requires a full day where there's nothing else going on and I've got time to battle with parking, don't know what the repair job is going to be. Have a look at what the new shirts in Uniqlo are like. Well, that's it. the repair job is going to be have a look at what the new shirts in uniqlo are like that's it well that's it i do want to i think it's going to take a long time but i also do if i'm going out there i want to make a day of it yeah go to food court go to wendy's get yourself a little fucking um sprinkled ice cream cone yeah and then the day

that i have nothing on get on there left by the time i know that i've got nothing on coming up in a day then there's no genius bar appointments available to be like for me Tuesday's a free day for me in terms of like I've got this on and you look at it

I have my little to-do list and I look at the diary and go got this on I'll just get that done and then it's like by the time I get over here we do this

we do talking to them we do the actual episode I go and fucking buy some cookies I get some lunch we get the time wrong so we're sitting here for an extra hour that we need to

I read out a couple of dozen names I shouldn't have fucking all day we nudged 37 minutes and we've barely done two names yuck yeah I know what it's like you don't need to tell me

this is what my experience is it's like I'm right there alongside you the whole day I didn't know if you were recognising what we're in the middle of sorry man

thanks Gussie F. Thanks, Gus. Thanks, 0069. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber, Jazz Rowlinson. Okay. Yeah. I mean, that's, or Jace. Is it Jace?

J-A-S is what I'm getting. Oh, it must be Jace. Yeah, I presume Jace. I thought we were talking J-A-S is what I'm getting. Oh, it must be Jace. Yeah, I presume Jace. I thought we were talking J-A-Z-Z. No. I thought we were talking a bit of Skiddly Bop. No, no, no, no. No freestyle on here.

It's the Patreons you don't subscribe to. No, I thought it was more closer to a bit of Jus. Jus Rawlings and just a little bit of weird oily sauce on there that I've never really known why it's there. Don't really know what it is. Don't really ever feel confident saying it. Is it jus? I don't know.

Same with a spice, I guess it is. It's popping up a lot more in my cooking lately, the recipes I'm using, that I absolutely hate saying. Yes. Cummin'. Oh, yeah. I tried to be one of these people for a while. I just get sneaky with it and go, cumin.

Yeah, isn't it there? It's like, why don't we just all agree to call it cumin? And then too many times I had people go, don't you mean cummin'? Oh, really? I think it is cummin'. Is it? I think it's officially cummin'. Is it?

Yeah. I would have gone with cumin. I'd always go cumin. I would have gone with cumin, actually. Cumin. But I'm basing that on nothing. But again, it's one of those ones where it's like, you see it coming up and you see yourself having to say it

and you're like, oh, God. You know when you'd be at school and you'd be doing reading and it'd be your turn to read a couple of pages out to the class? And you'd see one coming up that's a bit of a stumbling block. I mean, I probably do it five times a week, to be honest. Yeah, yeah, true. I did it before with whatever the fuck that name was I read out twice. I always struggle with, fuck, here we go, almond.

Really? Almond? Almond. I just very confidently pronounce it the wrong way, probably. Yeah, I feel like I'm always doing it wrong, and it's the kind of milk that my girlfriend has in her coffee. So if I ever go to get us coffees, it stresses me out so much. Because I always get this one.

I'll go, oh, yeah, just a large almond flat white. Yep. Sounds weird. And whichever one I say, I feel like the barista is always like, oh, yeah, that was an almond. Like, they'll correct me. It's like, you know what I fucking said. Just give me the fucking coffee. Give me the shit milk you've got.

Give me the fucking shit milk. Your little pretend nut milk. Oh, my tummy. Give me your cum and milk. My little tummy can't handle web. I don't want to drink from a cow. No. I want to drink from a nut.

My little tummy. That's you, Jus Rowlandson. Jus. Jus. Rowland. Just, uh... Rowland. Yeah, what is it?

Again, can't say it. Fucked if I really know what it is. I mean, I can picture it. I know I like it. I know it's a good thing when it's in something I'm eating. But couldn't for the life of you tell me what it actually is. I'd rather have wet food than dry food. It's good, isn't it?

A bit of... Sauce. Yeah, a bit of sauce. Yeah, a bit of fancy sauce. Same category for me as reduction. Okay. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How you're reducing something by giving me more of something. Yeah. This has got a bit of a reduction. You know what's more reducting is not giving me the reduction. That means there's less. Oh, yeah. When I come to pay the bill, I'm going to pay with a bit of minuses. Yeah, yeah.

I'm not paying for this. If you gave me a reduction, I should be paying less for this. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. It should be cancelling some of the dollars. Upper class. Take off a zero off the back of this bill.

Upper class Seinfeld. Trying to go fucking... Trying to do algebra. It's called reduction, but it costs more. You never see reduction in somewhere that's not... Because it is. It's like you don't see it in like a cheap place. Yeah.

That's real like... That'd be good if that's what, you know, every month there's like a deal at Hungry Jack's and then this month they're just like... They're doing reduction. We're doing reduction special. We're doing reductions. Well, I mean, there was a point where all the takeaway joints...

I know we did the Yumbo, but this month we're doing reductions. We're just pouring shit on the existing stuff. It's true. I mean, there was a point where all those places got into like Angus beef and Wagyu beef. Like all of a sudden it was like, you know, now we're going like fancier cuts of meat. I could see down the line, come on down for the angry reduction.

Yeah. It's a bit of jus with some fucking onion rings on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're doing, we got Angus beef in the reduction. Yeah. Remember when people just got excited about Angus beef for a hot minute? Yeah.

I was like, this is Angus beef. And I'm like, awesome. Yeah. Five minutes ago, I wouldn't have fucking known what that meant. But now, this is good.

I mean, it couldn't be, in hindsight, it couldn't be that good if you're fucking selling it at Hungry Jack's, to be fair. It's still $6 for a burger. It couldn't be that great. Yeah. But I mean, it's meant to be a better cut of meat. I mean, it's probably more just that it's like they were, it was plentiful enough that now there's offcuts of it. There's slightly shitter bits of Angus meat that the Hungry Jacks and McDonald's of the world can get their hands on. Speaking of Hungry Jacks, if you're listening to this right now,

we talked about this a long time ago. Like all of our live shows that have been delayed, the great live comedy happening at Hungry Jacks Comedy. Yumbo Comedy. Yumbo Comedy, I believe, is happening this weekend. I think you're right. Yeah. Yeah.

I saw it on Facebook the other day, a little update. I believe it's happening Saturday night at Hungry Jack's at Southern Cross Station at 7.30 because I'm running a gig right then. Yeah, we're having people around for dinner here. But you know what? It's apparently a live stream. Take them out for dinner. I'm chucking it up on the TV.

Oh, is there a live stream? Well, there was going to be at one point. If there still is, I am going to... It's my girlfriend's friends. So I'm going to really... After 18 months of not really being able to spend much time with these people at all, now living with their friend, they come around for the first time. Guys, I'm actually going to be putting up a gig.

I know that basically all of you are vegans, but I am going to be putting this gig from a Hungry Jacks up on our TV. Yes, and also, what is it? Is it a Netflix special? No, no, no. Way worse than that. Like, vision-wise. You thought Chappelle's Trans Gear was bad.

Wait till you get a load of some of the action that's happening at Southern Cross. Yeah, these guys are transitioning from shit comics to super shit comics. It's bad quality in every way. Vision, audio, quality of gear, everything. I can't wait. Yeah. Please, I hope some of you listeners go down and do some cub reporting for us. Well, we need um yeah i mean we need our roving reporter ben lomas to be down there on the scene god you're fucking dead

right i'm gonna contact him straight away after this and ask him uh you know what he's on the fucking he's doing my gig yeah put him on late so he has time to go to yumbo comedy and then actually write your report you're actually right i'm gonna do that yeah i'm gonna offer him that to do that yeah um because yes you're right because i'm doing a gig i'm running basement comedy at 7 and 8 30 there's two shows back to back i don't need him to be on the first show so he can go down do the first show uh go down to hungry jay's comedy yambo comedy come back up do we spot it at the 8 30 show and then instead of watching the headliner we can sit backstage and he can tell me the whole story you should we should give at the 8.30 show? And then instead of watching the headliner, we can sit backstage and he can tell me the whole story. We should give him the keys to the Instagram account and so he can go down and we can have our own bootleg stream.

Oh my God, yes. Absolutely, yes. See if you can hear anything over the top of Lomas fucking shrieking into the microphone. But if the gig starts at 7.30, you could have him open your 7pm show. He runs off and then you just put him on late at the 8.30 show. That's still enough time. Anyway, who cares? This is all stuff to work out off air. We will. Yeah, but that's fine.

Hey, people like knowing how the genius stuff we do works. Every single fucking facet of our lives. Thanks, Jules. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber James Thurston subscriber James Thurston James Thurston the third Thurston work

James Thurston the fourth It does have that air to it Doesn't it Yes Bit of James Thurston Bit of IV Afterwards

I reckon he needs A little bit of James Thurston I was getting a bit Thurston Went for the water bottle Empty You would have heard that You would have heard that.

You would have heard that fucking dreg sound that you get. Yeah. When the straw is just going, I got nothing for you, brother. Yeah. There's like a couple of drops down here that I can filter up the pipe for you. Yeah. If you really want. But my friend, you are going to have to go to the tap if you want any more out of this.

You know what? I'm a massive, I've always been a massive one-four, a very bad boy at leaving the dregs in any form of drink. Just don't, I won't. You don't finish a drink? Don't finish the drink. Don't finish the, won't finish a beer. I'll leave like probably half an inch in the beer. Same with bottles of Coke or anything like that.

Big dreg lever. Wow. What do you think the mentality... What do you think... I mean, the real question is, what do you think your mum did to you when you were a child to cause that? I think I think more I did to her. I think I pissed her off by doing that a lot as a child and her going,

why are you doing this? Beer, I kind of understand because beer when it gets warm is very disgusting. Apologies to all of our British listeners firing up at the moment. So I'll do that with a pint. I'll get to the end and just be like, I'm going to get another one now anyway. Just thinking about, then I get that first beautiful sip from a full cold glass.

What am I fucking doing this for? Absolutely. I'm good for it. Yeah. I can afford another full pint. Yeah. Yeah. I work. Yeah. I can afford another full pint. Yeah. Yeah. I work.

Yeah. I do a good job doing what I do. I've earned this not drinking absolute garbage. Some fucking bin juice at the end of this. And a Coke. I'd sort of do the same thing with soft drink because I'm not much of a soft drink drinker. I've gotten back into drinking a Coke if I'm hungover. A fucking great hangover cure.

But other than that, I'll barely ever have it. And I hadn't been having it for years and years and years. But it is always like when I am having it, it's like, what a great idea. And then first half, this is so good. And then it's like, God, I really am drinking one of the worst things you can possibly drink. I'm getting the healing effect. I'm getting a bit of sugar. It's easing the hangover.

I don't need to see this through to the end. You know what I'm really into at the moment is the old little power bombs of going to the supermarket and getting the six pack of whatever they are, like 125 mil. Those little tiny little- Oh, the mini cans. Yeah, like the fucking minibar style cans or air flight cans or whatever. They are the perfect quantity of Coke. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say you should get into the perfect they're the perfect quantity of coke that's what i was gonna say i was gonna say you should get into that because okay you're not getting sick

of them chuck them in uh just smash them down with a bit of ice absolutely fucking loved it during lockdown yeah okay having a six pack in the fridge all the time yep yeah really good sit at the pc play flight simulator pretend i'm actually on a plane yes yeah pretend you're getting absolutely gouged for a uh you're on Jetstar or Virgin. Yep, six bucks for 100 mil. Went to, actually, I didn't know this. Maybe this is, maybe everyone knows this. I don't know.

But went to have a bit of a look of a Virgin flight for one of our live pods to book in. Went, oh, prices are pretty good at the moment. Then went to check on through and go oh do you want baggage hang on what because virgin have gotten rid of baggage yeah virgin are like uh the initial price is yeah no worries here's the price and it's like that is of course if you just want to walk through onto a plane with no bags that's interesting that's new yeah i know that's why i'm bringing it up yeah that wasn't there the last time I flew, which was June. I'm trying to remember if I flew with them or not, but yeah.

They've snuck that in lockdown. Interesting. So if you want to bring anything. Fuck, that's an interesting play. There's another $20, $30 there. Thank you very much. Having said that, like I said right at the start, no offense to, what's his name? What's the fucking, Mr. Branson.

But I did look at the initial pricing of fucking pretty good deal. Not as good deal, but like okay deal. Yeah, okay. Now that I've decided to bring some fucking precious change of clothes along and toiletries. I mean, we did really think when the pandemic was hitting, flights being grounded, it was like when flights are back, it is going to be a fucking buyer's market. There are some sales here and there, but I really don't think it's panning out

the way people thought. People are like, please, we'll pay you to come on the plane. Yeah. Oh, there's been some good deals. There's been some alright deals, but not, I think there was a bit of a fever of like,

this is going to be unbelievable. Maybe that's coming down the line, but my point more is like, what you're describing is like the exact opposite of that. It's coming down the line. It's coming down the line. It's coming down the line but my point more is like that, like what you're describing is like the exact opposite of that. It's cumin down the line. It's cumin down the line.

It's cumin down the line. It's juzzing down the line. Yeah, oh look, there was some mentality that things were going to come back and it was like,

it's $1,000 to fly to Canberra as well though. I think there was a bit of both sides of things. But I wouldn't have predicted that. We're going to remove

part of a service yeah it's gonna be interesting virgin how they fit within the um hierarchy of uh flies because you got jet star if you're just a hobo and you want to um you know maybe make it to where you want to go yep you got qantas if you're 70 yep and uh virgin are trying to fit in the middle of um you know the middle of those two extremes. But I don't know. I don't know. I don't know how they're going to go.

Especially if they're pulling shit like this. Absolutely. But I would rather do that and be on a half-decent plan and not pay $29 to go to Perth, a.k.a. Jetstar, than pay $1,600 to go to Perth and be served by an 80-year-old. I think my Jetstar days are done. I feel pretty confident saying that.

Maybe the odd overseas trip, if they have just an unbelievable sale, but generally speaking, nah. I'm fine to go to Adelaide on Jetstar. I'm the opposite. I've done an international flight with Jetstar and it was like

no thank you it was I know what you mean and I was nearly tempted to do it the other day like super cheap thing super cheap deal

with Jetstar to go overseas but fuck that international flight I did on Jetstar was absolutely the worst flight I've been on

oh really yeah not that I've been on too many bad ones but it was the worst of a pretty decent bunch, I would say. Made worse by the fact that I did it purely for how cheap it was. Yeah. And then my wife added all the extras that then make it into a normal flight.

That's what kills you. Yeah, yeah, that's what kills you. Yeah. Just ordered all the extras, all the food, all the fucking iPads, all the whatever. Oh, yeah. Why did you do that? Yeah. Anyway.

Thanks, James Thurston. Thanks, Thurston. The fourth. Get the first three of your ilk to subscribe, I would say. Let's just do one more. Let's go to lunch. Let's get something. Thank you very much. One something. Thank you very much.

One more. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, okay. That's interesting. Gee, the algorithms are working on this one. It's just updated. Must be thanks to what we were talking about. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber,

Yumbo Comedy. Wow, they've put an ad in. Wow. Must have put an ad in. Sponsor this week. Yeah, cheap sponsorship. Thanks, Yumbo Comedy. Head on down to Yumbo Comedy, of which we have officially

nothing to do with. Zero involvement. But we really are so intrigued by it. It's awesome that a gig is happening in Hungry Jacks. Yes, and it will be terrible. Let's be clear about that. No offence to anyone running it or being... I've got secret high hopes. I think it's going to be the event of the

millennium. You genuinely think it might be the be the event of the millennium. You genuinely think it might be the best comedy show that there's been in this thousand years? Yeah. I absolutely do. What is it about it

that you think might be so good? I don't know. Just a bit of magic in the air. Right. Okay. I think that would be... If people went genuinely, it was the best gig I've ever seen

or done or anything. Yes. I think that would be great. That would be a great end of the story. Look, I would love for it to go as well as possible and then all of a sudden the next week it's like, we're going. We're back. Can we get on?

Yeah. And then at a certain point Hungry Jack's like, you know what? We're not doing food anymore. Yes. We're rebranding as a comedy club. Oh my God. Imagine if people come over here and it was like an Australian went overseas to live for a while and come back. No, I'm hungry.

I might go to Hungry Jack's. What, you're hungry for comedy? Yeah. No, I want a Whopper. Oh, you want to eat the food at a comedy club? Oh, you want to hear a big joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, the angry Angus. Oh, you're thinking Hughsy might get on. He's teeing off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he drops in a lot. He drops in a lot to gigs, so you might see him. You just want to get some fries.

Like a roast? You mean? Like a... At the Friars Club. All right. Thanks, Yumbo Comedy. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for tickets and all the stuff

that we've got coming up. Support the show on Patreon. Get the bonus episodes. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you next... See you, mates!