The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 584 - Danielle Walker & Alex Ward

Episode Date: December 8, 2021

It's a Queensland spectacular this week with ALEX WARD and DANIELLE WALKER! Since Wardy was last on the show she's both gotten engaged AND lost her engagement ring! Chandler's still on the hunt for his wedding ring, and he's also got his hands full with Blanket's Christmas present request. Meanwhile, Tommy's worrying that he's bitten off more than he can chew with his Christmas day plans and OF COURSE, the Main Event is more fodder from Danielle's childhood history, including sunburn, Barbies, rabbits and changing rooms. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests Alex Ward and Danielle Walker. We have a few live shows coming up that we have to tell you about. First of all, if you're listening to this hot off the presses, this Saturday, December the 11th, we have our big live show happening up in Heathcote. It is all sold out, but if you keep your eye on the socials, maybe there will be one or two tickets kicking around in the lead up. Then Melbourne, the big 500th episode It's actually happening Tommy On January 15 Some scarce scarce

Few tickets left for that As well Yes then we are Up in Brisbane January the 29th That is our Rescheduled date From earlier this year

Your existing tickets To that are still valid If you have them It is us doing A live podcast And stand up show And then going across the road And doing a live

Iteration of Talking Dumb Dum then we have another rescheduled show so we're going west side over to uh parth and we're doing on the 5th of march we're doing a live podcast and stand-up show at the rosemount hotel um there are a few tickets left for that but your original tickets are all valid from 1977 when you first bought them. And we have a new live date to announce for Adelaide that we are going to tell you more about at the end of the episode in Talking Dum Dum. LittleDumDumClub.com for those ticket links and everything. We'll talk to you more at the end of the episode, but until then, enjoy this great new one with

Alex Ward and Danielle Walker. Alex Ward. Yes. What is this, an episode of The View? Fucking hell. Yep. I'm almost ready to storm out. True to form. What would it take? What would we have to do?

What would be the walking out point of this pod for you? Wow. What would be breaking point for Alex Ward? I don't know. Fuck, it was hard enough to get a point to get you to walk in. Yeah, yeah. It's true. I'm very chill.

I had a daytime shower. I think that's dangerous. Yeah, you're pretty chill. My hair's still a bit wet. Right. You'd think I could turn it up for the pod. I'll get there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I don't think I've ever seen you upset, have I? Maybe I have. I can't think of you. The idea of you being upset is strange. Yeah, I think I just compartmentalize. What's the word? Fuck! Now I'm upset.

There we go. There we go. There we go. I don't like when I sound dumb. And I am dumb, so I'm constantly trying to. I think I just figured out the less I say, the less people realize I can't spell or talk properly. Yeah, okay.

That's smart. Well, you know what I loved about you? This is the second time you've been on this show. The first time when you were on like a year ago, what I loved was that afterwards, like the next day, you proposed to your girlfriend and then you apologized to me and said, oh, sorry, I was thinking, you know, I was going to bring up that. It would have been good content. I could have said on your show, I'm about to propose to my girlfriend.

I'm like, man, that is so nice of you to think you were going to blow that on our show before you'd even talked to your girlfriend. It's so insane. We had uploaded it early that night and everyone else had a note except for your girlfriend. It's also crazy to think that she would be listening to the Dum Dum Club. I know, but I like to think that tens of thousands of people out there are like, fucking no before your girlfriend knows.

Yeah, but what a first appearance, coming out of the gates with a big bombshell of a proposal. What have you got up your sleeve this time? Well, she said no. What a shame. No, she said no. What a shame. No, she said yes. It's all fine. What's the bombshell? Because you were talking when you were on about how you'd been getting really into

wearing rings in the lockdown, I remember. Yeah. So was that you circling the story of the engagement ring? Well, I lost my engagement ring, so now I don't wear rings. Okay, right. So although I have it sounds like a big lie i'm like i'm getting engaged now i'm saying i've lost the ring it did happen i did have a ring i've lost my wedding

ring so yeah really a lot of people have talked to have told me they've lost it so now i'm just thinking why do we even do it just don't yeah i don't think we should do it oh i agree now that i've lost it yeah yeah either you're a ring person and you just want to wear a ring for the rest of your life and never take it off, or if you're the sort of person who's ever going to take it off, just don't worry about it at all. Yeah, I was thinking I wasn't looking after it well enough and I was getting guilted. I feel like guilty and so I took it off

because you're not even meant to wash soap on it. And I took it off to do that and then I just left it. That's why I think you should just get a plain gold band because then you can do it with the soap and if it tarnishes, it doesn't cost that much to replace. Unlike a diamond ring. Yeah.

When Hannah gave me the ring, I should have said, uh-uh. Take it back. Take it back. Yeah. So you proposed to your girlfriend. Yeah,

but then she got me a ring later. Yeah. That's what happens when there's two. Is that the deal? Yeah, two women. Twice the cost. Twice the cost.

Damn, what a scam. We're not really pandering to gender norms. So yeah the cost. Twice the cost. Damn, what a scam. We're not really pandering to gender norms, so yeah, we both get a ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a funny thing if you propose to a tight ass and go, oh, wow, thank you. Oh, wow.

Oh. I've got to fucking buy you something. Yeah, well, I bet she wished she didn't. So she's still got her engagement ring. No, she lost hers too. She lost hers too. Okay, great. All right.

So we're either doomed or made for each other. I'm not sure. You think that's perfect? Yeah. I don't know. I'm worried. Who lost it first, you? She lost it first.

Oh, great. So, yeah, I didn't feel that bad. You're still the winner. Yeah. Yeah. Always. Where do you think you both, because I lost mine, I reckon I lost mine at the gym. I mean, looking at me, you would have guessed that first, I guess.

Yeah, all right. That's what's going to get me out of this pod. You're talking about how much you bench press. Give him a squeeze. Go on, give him a squeeze. That's my walking point. That's your moment. I'm out.

Yeah, so I lost mine second. Oh, mine was in a public bathroom. Put it down next to the sink. No. Why are you. Mine was in a public bathroom. Put it down next to the sink. No. Why are you taking it off in a public bathroom? Because I was washing my hands and I wanted to wash them without the ring on it because I was trying to look after it. But it was the first time I've ever done it.

Jeez. Okay. Yeah, because I think, isn't it like soap isn't that bad, but it's like chemicals that are like face creams and stuff. That's what's really bad. Danielle, I should have messaged you. Retinol. I didn't know.

That sort of stuff. It'll just peel it off. Soap is fine. What are you, idiot? Can you tell me that I would have preferred to hear that if that was good, I took the risk. Soap is the worst thing. I was just moisturising my engagement ring

and I fucked it right up. Engagement ring's not a fucking mogwai. It doesn't turn into a gremlin if you just get it merely wet. It's for water. Imagine that. Oh, no, I can't get my engagement ring wet with water. It's like, oh, that's when I found out I bought a ring made out of tissue paper. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I wish. I hope the next person who took it has a little gremlin in their house now. Yeah, yeah. They didn't hand it in. Yeah. I do wonder who's got mine. Like, someone's walked along and found a wedding ring and gone, fucking free wedding ring.

Yeah, maybe I will propose. Wasn't even the idea, but now that I'm not going to have to spring for a ring. I was on my way to dumping my girlfriend, but now I've got this. It's not costing you anything. A bit easier. Just a scratched up gold band. Enjoy. I love you, Carl and Grave, on the inside.

Hey, it wasn't scratched up because that's the reason I lost it because I was always taking it off when I was bench pressing. So it wasn't scratched up at all. So it could have been a brand new ring. Yeah, it'd be a shame if that two kilogram weight destroyed your wedding ring. Maybe that's why we have the engagement ring, Wardy, because, yeah, you and your partner have lost yours. But the good news is eventually you have a wedding

and then you just get a new ring. So you're replacing, and then that's the one that you've got to worry about losing. So maybe it's like, you know, the engagement ring is just like the dry run of like, you know what, here's like a little soft, here's like a little trial. If you lose this one, not the end of the world. We should change the tradition of buying expensive rings then.

That's the one you're going to lose. The other one's cheap. And in my case, like this, like when my wife finds out that I've lost the wedding ring, then she leaves me. Then I just get a new one when I meet a new person. Yeah. Or you get a divorce ring.

You just keep getting opportunities to not lose a ring. Yeah. So she still doesn't know? She found out the other day. She found out the other day. It took ages. Yeah. But yeah, she's not.

How did she find out? How did she find out? I assume you didn't confess. Oh, you know what? I think... There's no way you came forward and told her the truth. Absolutely not. And you would have been thinking...

Because you talked about this a little while ago on the podcast that you'd lost it. And I reckon you would have been... As anyone would. There's been enough time has elapsed with her not noticing where you were you thinking i'm in the clear here yes i've gotten away with yes but i did think it's only a matter of time at some stage it'll happen and i think we were going somewhere and she was getting i think

we were going out somewhere so she wouldn't notice unless we were in front of some other people that she was trying to like make sure we look nice for. So it was like she was putting on all her rings and stuff and then... All her wedding rings. Yeah, yeah. Well, she got the engagement ring, she got the wedding ring. Yep, yep. And then... Full suite.

She's got on the other jewellery and stuff I've got her and then she just looks over to go, well, I've got on my six pieces. Now you just put on your one. Oh, no, there's nothing there. So did she think that if you were out together as a couple, they would see your hand ringless and think trouble in paradise? No one will ever believe I've locked this down.

You're the worst cheater ever. You took off the ring while you're still with her. I took off my ring at the gym in case someone wanted to fuck me there while I was bench pressing. I could bench press something else. I mean, that is better than you going out with her and already having the ring on and her going, just take that off.

Maybe, like, we're going to be around polite company tonight. You know, I'd rather them think there's still hope for me. Yeah, we're at a family reunion. I'd like to just take this off in case someone's interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, so what was the discussion? She just calls you and goes, When should you go and buy your new wedding ring?

Now or tomorrow? Oh, really? Okay, all right, all right. And are you going to do that or are you holding out hope that it'll be in the dirty old lost and found box at the gym with all the jock straps and fucking... Look, I've done all that.

I've done everywhere. I've looked everywhere. It gone. So now it's more like, there's been a little amount of time where she's gone, okay, you can go and chase this up now. And then me go,

oh, I've just been busy. And now it's to the point of her going, all right, well, I'll follow this up for you now. And then I'll do this. And then you just give me all the money for it. Nice. Okay.

And that's when it'll turn up. And you're going, I've definitely left it at the gym when I was doing weights. And then you'll get a call like, hi, Mr. Chandler, it's Hawthorne Donut King here. Your hands were so greasy that the ring slipped right off your finger. We never got around to washing this bowl full of Penang curry. And now that we have, we found a chicken bone in a ring.

Is this yours? We assume it's yours because you're here every day. It's only a matter of time. You're always here straight after the gym still in your sweaty gym clothes it is a good combo

I did used to do a bit of 11 till 12 and then 12 straight to the straight to a bit of Thai lunch in Hawthorne nothing better honestly

going straight from the gym to eating something disgusting that's what it's all about you don't want to that's what you're in there working for that's relatively good for you considering what the rest about. You don't want to... That's what you're in there working for.

That's relatively good for you, considering what the rest of the... You don't want to know whether you're sweating from the workout or the food. Yeah. Yeah. Doing the work and then immediately undoing it just feels fucking great.

Yeah. Knocking it all off in the space of two hours. Two Queenslanders, or ex-Queenslanders, guess that we have? You're never ex-Queensland Do you still count yourself as a Queenslander? I think it's a state of mind And I think I'll always be a Queenslander I do feel like Queensland's one state in this country

Where a lot of comics move to Melbourne So Melbourne's kind of like a melting pot of people who've moved from all the parts of the country itself. But, you know, sometimes you're like, oh, where's that person from? Again, originally. But the Queenslanders, you know, you know. You can reel them off immediately. Danielle, Wardy, Greg.

There's just something. There's the Queensland. You never truly leave it. No. But having said that, when I think of true Queenslanders, I don't think of you guys. I feel like you guys have got political asylum from Queensland. You're not indicative of Queensland.

No one ever believed I lived in Queensland when I was in Queensland. Because I just fair skinned. I guess we're both fairly fair skinned. We didn't have that rough, leathery Queensland look. Yeah. I've always worn like a high neck because I'm terrified when I see my mum's chest. Because she's got like that corned beef chest.

I'm like, never. I'm not having that. That's such a familiar memory to me, especially it must have been the height I was at for most of my childhood, just looking straight into that leather. Red. My mum used to bully my dad because he'd put sunscreen on. And she'd be like, you're a loser.

Wow. And he had like a proper like full bald head too and he was just like protecting it. And she would just like yell out, loser. That is honestly the two times I've been sunburned on my bald little head, it is the fucking worst experience. It is excruciating. You feel like your brain is just cooking constantly

while you're walking around. It's fucked. You feel sick. So yeah, I'm with your dad. Lather up. Get a hat. I'm with her mum, you loser. I used to get so sunburnt because I didn't want to wear sunscreen

because I didn't want mum to think I was a loser. How much cancer is your mum responsible for? Probably a fair bit. We've had a few cut out in the family. I haven't had any yet, but I used to pay my sisters to peel the sunburnt skin off my back when I would get a burn. How much does that cost? 50 cents.

Really? Yeah. 50 cents per session or 50 cents per good slab of skin? Chunk. 50 cents per twin to just sit there until all the skin was peeled off. Oh, so you've got twin sisters and they would sit one on each shoulder and you'd just chuck out a dollar

and they would just double team you. I'd just lie down on the bed without a shirt on. Chimps grooming each other. Yeah, and get them to sit on either side. This is like paying chimps to groom you. They're like, they're spit peeling you. Yeah, and then I'd be like, I'll give you

I'll give whoever gets Like the biggest chunk off An extra bit of money So that it was like A competition Like to see who could like Yeah they're working on commission Flake it off

To try and pull off The biggest bit Right You could weigh the bits of skin And pay them per I didn't think about that That would have been really weird You could get that done

For free these days There's some people online Who would love to do that Yeah Well you could pay them But then sell it and make money off it. Yeah. So the 50 cent rate, was that set by you? Was that you going, look, I'll pay you guys 50 cents each to do this?

Or was that you going, can you do this? And they're like, our rate's actually 50 cents. Oh, I set the rate. You set the rate. I set the rate. I'm probably undercharged but they're pretty dumb. The Walker family setting up a union to demand better rights. That's so funny.

They're like 15 doing their resume for the first time. They're like work experience. Also. Back peeling. They're probably going to house with your mum because your mum's like, yeah, don't put on any sunscreen, don't wear a hat, don't do anything, you're a loser. And they're going, this is nothing but money for us.

Your mum's taking a cut. Yeah. Yeah. This is all a fucking scam. So how long did this process generally take? Oh, I'd be there for like two hours lying down, which is why I had to give them a competition. Because if not, you couldn't keep them interested enough.

Oh, it's the old thing of like getting little kids and go, can you go and get something for me? No, I'll time you. Okay. Yeah. A little bit of motivation. Yeah, it me? No. I'll time you. Okay. Yeah. A little bit of motivation. Yeah, it was that biggest flake of skin you can get. Bonus.

What would you do with this skin? Oh, I used to. It's too skinny to ask that. I can't believe. Here we go. Bin isn't the direct answer. When you asked that, I was like, why would you bother asking that? And then I was like, hang on a minute.

It was a good question. Yeah. You were telling some disturbing livestock stories last episode. We had a lot of vegetarians like, please, next time you get Danielle on, no more stories about animals being murdered. Well, guys, you got your wish. We're talking about big bowls of skin. No animal flesh.

Just human flesh on this one. I just remember sort of like sometimes covering my Barbies in it and like wetting it to see if I could fully cover them in. Yeah, yeah. You got Buffalo Bill with your Barbies. I've never thought about that until now. Hannibal Walker. Yeah.

Some people out there, they're like, you know, Ken's not really realistic because he doesn't have genitals. He's just got a smoothie. You're like, that's the least of my worries. His skin doesn't look real at all. Obviously he's plastic. Oh, my God. She probably formed a little penis out of him.

Now he's real. So this is also this is like sunburnt skin that's come off your back. So it's like. Well, it peels off white. That's the's like... Well, it peels off white. That's the Queen's over here. It peels off white. It peels off white, right? If there are any psychologists listening to this episode,

surely covering your Barbies in human skin is a sign something bad's going to happen later in life. Sure. People will say, if you're abusive towards animals as a kid, you'll be a serial killer when you grow up. You're going to fucking be responsible for genocide or something. I actually think it was an art piece.

I disagree. I don't think a psychiatrist would have anything to say about this because they'd still be trying to figure out what it is. Right, right, right. You know what? It's like this is too new of a phenomenon. The animals thing, it's like, yeah, there's been a clear link with that for fucking decades.

They're still trying to register this phenomenon under their own name. Yeah, because you're right. It's very creative. Yeah, I think it was just like a – I think maybe I was like into like Patricia Picanini or whatever her name is at the time. Patricia Pachine? Picanini?

I think I just said her name like that because I like to say – Yeah, the lady who makes the pig people. Yeah. The sculptures of the disgusting pig people. The pig people, the little beaver skin people. Was it just a cry for help to get your mum to actually buy a new outfit for Barbie? I've got to make my own out of my own skin. I was way too old when I got Barbies.

Right. Because mum, I never got Barbies until my cousin who was younger than me gave me her old Barbies because she didn't want to play with Barbies anymore. Oh, so how old? So I was probably like me, gave me her old Barbies because she didn't want to play with Barbies. Oh, so how old? So I was probably like 13 when I started playing with Barbies. That's old. Because until that point, I just had like a... I think it's funny to play with Barbies when you could almost be at the age

where you technically could give birth to a baby. You've already gotten your period, you're going through puberty and you're like, oh, a Barbie. Yeah, you're hanging out with her friends and it's like, I've just gotten into Barbie. I've just gotten into dick. So, yeah. That age makes the playing with Barbies thing a bit weird, but weirdly enough, it makes the covering them in skin bit not as weird. Yeah.

That is like a six-year-old. It's like, that's truly terrifying. But 13, it's like, it's still weird, don't get me wrong. But if we were doing that little baby Danielle doing the skin thing, it's like, that's a weird, don't get me wrong, but if we were doing that little baby Danielle doing the skin thing, it's like that's a lot skin. It's like a horror movie. Similar age. I do remember mates of mine just getting into G.I. Joe figures

at the same age and it being like, are you guys sure you want to do this? Is this not, this feels a little old for you guys to get into G.I. Joe. And they were like, no, no, it's okay. And about two weeks later they're like, yeah, it's for. And about two weeks later they were like, yeah, it's for little kids. So what would you do?

Would you try and were you like kind of breaking the skin up and trying to get it to kind of perfectly look like the Barbie had real skin? I was just trying to completely cover the Barbie in the skin. Like if I could like wet the skin and get it to sort of like paste on it. Oh, like paper mache. Yeah, so it like fitted it. A piñ sort of like paste on it. Oh, like paper mache. Yeah. So it like fitted it. A piñata of human skin.

Yeah. I see. I don't know. I just kind of liked. It's like reconstructive surgery. I just thought it looked cool. You want a Barbie to turn into a beautiful butterfly. Yeah.

No one's saying it didn't look cool. I reckon it looked so cool. I also used to leave notes around the house for my parents because I didn't want to do chores. I would leave notes. By the way, what I love about your stories is you do an opening line and you've got me. You do an opening line and you've absolutely got me,

but I also have absolutely no idea where it's going. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, this is absolutely going to be great, but I could have five guesses. I don't think I'd get anywhere near it. For many people, it's like. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, this is absolutely going to be great but I could not, I could have five guesses I don't think I'd get anywhere near it. For many people

it's like the opening line would be, well that's the story. Yeah. You've blown the story here. Yeah. You've given the punchline in the intro.

Yeah. This is almost, Daniel's story is almost like a very good stand-up set. You're open, traditionally you're open with your second best joke and you close with your best joke.

Yeah, yeah. So your opening line is like, that's great but I know there's something better coming. So I would like leave notes around the house and a lot of the time they would be like, I just like to play up the angle that I was depressed when I was a kid, even though I wasn't depressed at all.

It kind of sounds like you weren't playing up much. If you're covering your dolls in human skin, there's something happening at the very least. I was pretty interested in that. I loved it. That made you happy. That's more depressing. I was trying to get my sisters to burn in the sun and do some of their skin.

I think it's like you know you're depressed where you're like, I can't even be bothered covering the barbies in human skin. What's the point? You're out there. You're motivated. You're active. I used to be so full of life. But I used to, like, one of the chores I hated was we had, like, acreage and I'd have to, like, do the ride on lawnmower, the whole property.

And so sometimes I would, like, draw images of, like, chores I didn't want to do and me hurt in the chores. Okay, right. So, like, this is what's going to happen if I've had a vision. Yeah. So it's you. So it's me like decapitated beside the mower with the mower blade cutting my head off.

Wow. And what age is this? Oh, this is probably like, yeah, probably similar age. To be honest, yeah, 13 or 14. We were such different kids. They couldn't fucking get me off the lawnmower. Yeah, yeah. I was like riding it to school.

Well, our lawnmower came for free with our house. And it happened. Is that a normal deal in Queensland? I don't know. I think it was just like nobody wanted it anymore. Because you know how lawnmowers have like a cover to cover the motor? It didn't have that anymore. And so it was just like the engine was just out in the open

and I'd always get it caught in ditches. Like a very old car. Just the police signs in Queensland where it's like, you know, the little icons that they've got here for like bathroom, bedroom and then just like a tiny little lawnmower. How many lawnmowers do they have? Not in position. No, I imagine it like a late night ad in Queensland where it's like, here's his house.

You want more? Okay, we'll also throw in a lawnmower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the steak knives at real estate. Yeah, so sometimes I'd get it caught in a ditch and I'd try and push it out, but I'd have to avoid the muffler because that would like burn. And it did.

I had a muffler scar on my leg once because I put my knee directly into it. Yeah, but fresh skin. Yeah, you were like, damn, I get to peel this off. Ruin that skin. It's going to cost me a dollar, but then I got a new outfit for Ken. No, it didn't go with the colouring of the rest of the Barbie. That one's too red.

Need a bit more. You need a sunburnt Barbie. You must have got bored at some point going, man, all my dolls wear nothing but pink. I need some different colour skin. Yeah. I need a new flesh wound so I can finally finish my Buffalo Bill Barbie that I'm working on. Buffalo Barbie.

Okay, so your illustrations of, yeah, you. Yeah, just me dead or dying, doing some sort of chore. There's lawnmower. What else? How else can you die? Iron. I used to hate ironing, so I'd do myself burnt on that. That's an easy one.

And these are post-it notes just stuck around randomly on walls? No, big drawings. Right. Like, I guess A4 because it was like a paper from the printer. Or later on, though, I did get, I stole like a visual art diary from the school, so I did some pretty big posters. And yeah, I just fold them up.

Really, really big pictures of you being nearly killed around the house. Yeah. Right. But I'd usually put them in, like, mum and dad's room, like under their pillows or something. Okay. Yeah, that's good. That's good.

Yeah. Very subtle. Yeah. And one time I did one and I did do – like, I tried to do the duality of my personality. And this wasn't about a chore. This was just trying to. The duality of your personality. Is this still when you were 12?

No, this was probably, I did this for way too long. So I was probably like 15 or 16 when I did this image of my face cut directly down the middle. And I used to do a bit about it because on one side I, like, did, like, all the happy, smiley me. And then the other side I bit about it because on one side I, like, did, like, all the happy, smiley me and then the other side I did, like, crying and sad and, like, yeah, knives and stuff around me with, like, blood. Sad, sad knives.

Look at me. Happy side is Barbie skin. Yeah. I just wanted them to, like, give me some attention that wasn't, like, go do the chores, you know? Right, yeah. And then they just don't care. The more you just leave horrifying photos around the house.

Oh, no reaction. No reaction. You cover your Barbies in skin. It's under their pillow. No reaction. Your head's been cut off by a victim motor mower under their pillow and there's no reaction. No reaction.

They never mentioned it ever. None of the notes. That's huge. Nothing. Just it completely ignored me. Tried to make me That's huge. Nothing. Just completely ignored me. Tried to make me go more psycho. Okay. I don't mind it.

And knowing that there would have been some kind of conference in the parental bedroom of like, how do we bring this up? Surely your mum was impressed. If she thinks wearing sunscreen is lame, she would have been impressed by these death pictures. Yeah. Get run over by the law. It seems tough. That's cool. I should ask her about it.

I bet she loved them. What she used to think. Because, yeah, she said that one of my auntie's kids left a note in her bedroom and my auntie Shelly called mum to tell her and they were just laughing about it. And then I got really self-conscious being like, did mum and dad used to sit in the bedroom and laugh about me? Yeah.

Well, like when you leave a note for Santa and you just like, you get a bit older and you're like, man, I thought I had a fucking, I thought I had a direct line of communication with the great man. I thought this was a private. Did your family post them, fake post them, or you just leave it and get a response? I would like, I would write it and leave it kind of on my bed and never get a response back, I don't think.

But I'm writing it thinking, well, it's just, you know, I can talk freely because it's just me and the great man. Oh, yeah. Getting a bit older and going like, parents looking at this and going, what a fucking dumb cunt. My parents would post mine and then I'd get a letter back. Yeah, no, I never, dad was like, oh, yeah, let's leave it and put it on the bed. And you're talking freely.

How freely are you talking? Are you bitching about Mum and Dad? A little bit. Yeah, really? Wow. I think I remember one point being like, I don't think, I mean, this does sound like I was trying to like catch Mum and Dad out, but I was like, hey, look, in case there's any prying eyes around, you know, I don't want around, I don't want to say what it is but the thing that I want.

But you know, if you're as good as they say, you'll know. You know the thing. Oh, you're not even writing it down. I'm not even writing it down. You're thinking Sander is psychic. I'm thinking, yeah, well, it's like he's traveling around the world. I'm assuming he just knows what's up. He knows what I truly want.

By the way, for all of our six-year-old listeners, Santa's definitely real. Santa's definitely real, yeah. This is why I'm saying I wrote a letter to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. But he's not psychic. Is he psychic?

Is that canon? To the six-year-old listeners, you've got to write what you want. Yeah, you should. You should. I think that helps. I love the idea of us getting in trouble from parents. I was listening to this podcast where cunt is said every three seconds in the car with my child, and now you're talking about Santa not being real.

No, no, no, no, no. We didn't say that at all. We didn't say anything like that. We're entertaining the podcast. We're riffing. We're making a funny joke. Some parents listen to this in the car with the kids around. It is a very valid point that you say that there's C-bombs hanging around,

but that's always what is said in radio and TV. Yes. You cannot say that certain thing. is said in radio and TV. Yes. You cannot say that certain thing that you cannot dispel that absolutely definite fact. I've heard a lot of stories about Hughesy doing that and then having to come back after a song because the switchboard lights up and goes, Sorry, boys and girls, Hughesy misspoke. He was having a bit of an off day. Just telling a bit of a silly joke about himself.

I got mixed up. It's coronavirus. It's not real. All right? I used to have to chip in for my Christmas presents. What? If I wanted, like, when I, if I wanted, like, I remember, like, I got one of those iPod shuffles, you know,

those, like, just plain white ones that were, like, a big stick. I really wanted one of those when I was, like, 14 were like i don't know like 150 or something and mom and dad were like it's a bit much um if you give us 50 towards it we'll get it for you oh okay well look that's better than what i thought you meant which was there was some scheme where you were giving money to santa and helping him right but we never had any no we never pretended santa was oh really we used to mom just used to give us the i mean i guess they'd sort of be like santa's coming but then at the same time they'd be like um circle what you want out of this target catalog right and then put a hundred dollars in the catalog and leave it there put skin over whatever you like in this

target catalog and we know that you must love it. I thought Santa was so real because my dad had this thing every year he'd do where he'd tell me he was going to catch Santa because he wanted the presents. It was like his little game. He'd be like, no. So he'd build a full-on trap. Show me the blueprints.

And then he'd be like, there's only one way you could destroy this trap. He'd be like, if this was to touch salt water, like the pool of salt water, for example, then this trap will be like, you know, ruined. And then mum would help us drug dad, which was just Panadol turned up, but she told us they were like sleeping pills. So that he would like pass out at the table and we'd have our opportunity, my brothers and I, to destroy the trap.

Because dad was always like like i'm sick of kids getting the presents i want the present oh it was like this big ploy he had it was all a game happens to your brain when you become a parent like just going this will make my daughter think i'm cool that is i'm gonna kill santa claus that's a proper pantomime yeah yeah we're gonna drug dad it's like wrestling yeah oh dad's trying to kill Santa. Yeah. Boo! Get him, Mum! Drug him! Was your dad rowdy Roddy Piper?

But what I always look back on that was insane was just the aunties and uncles having to put up with my dad pretending to be passed out at the table. Yeah, that's... It's so uncomfortable, this one adult man just lying there. But then we'd wake, we'd do it, we'd destroy it, and in the morning Dad would come out and be like, what hell why did santa get away that's also great because that narrative helps him to just get out of really having to do anything for the rest of the christmas eve dinner just like well i've been drugged my character's asleep so i don't have to do the washing up and

then my auntie was actually passed out so i was like mom did you give her the medicine but also like it made me so arrogant because every Christmas, I thought I saved every Christmas. Yeah, right. Even at school, kids would have toys and I was like, it's kind of my toy. Like, you wouldn't even have it if I didn't fucking save Christmas, you little. Like, give me it.

I always get in trouble for, like, trying to take toys off people. Great. But, yeah, that's – and now we're just like – my brother has a kid, but we're trying to decide whether to continue the tradition. You've got to. That's great. Yeah, you've got to. That's great. Because that's giving me great ideas now. My kid will be three at the start of next year.

So she's starting to become conscious of Santa and things like this. Do you want to be the enemy? Because dad was the enemy. We were like, fuck dad. We hated him. I need a story. I need a storyline here. I want something like this happening.

I don't want a copy, but maybe something original. Just having to start this off by the first year you do it going into your daughter's room with blueprints about here's the trap i'm making the traps for good that's a that's a big risk like that could have ended in you being genuinely terrified and going dad's a psychopath i need to run away kids are just like not afraid of that like they like not afraid of your dad like i wasn't afraid of him i was just like let's get him i was like no i was like let's fucking get him i was like mom will these make him go to sleep forever i don't want to deal with this next year yeah yeah yeah fuck that's great um we had rabbits are illegal in queensland right yeah and um my my my Uncle Peter killed a rabbit once and then skinned it

because they're like a pest. And then he told me it was the Easter bunny that he'd killed. That was just his fun little gag around Easter. And then he hid all the Easter eggs that they left out for me. So when I woke up Easter morning, I went to run around the house and there was just no Easter eggs at all. And Nana's right, it's all gone. Because he killed the bunny.

Yeah, because he killed the bunny. There was no Easter egg. Then there was just a screaming match between my Nana and Uncle Peter. Peter, where are the fucking eggs? Goddamn, this is making my family Christmases sound so boring. Well, you know what? So my kid at the moment, little blanket, she's at school and they're doing a thing.

We get the pictures. Do you know this phenomenon that if you've got your kid in daycare and stuff like that, they send you the emails every day. They've got the pictures. And we've talked about this on the show a little bit. They take like a million pictures and they send them in an email every day to all the parents. And then there's been so many days where my kid's not in there and you go, what the fuck am I paying for? I want pictures of my kid in here. And it's every day where what we... and then there's been so many days where my kids are not in there and you go what the fuck am i paying for i want pictures of my kids in here and it's

every day where what i didn't know they did this i thought they did this at doggy daycare yes absolutely so then you get them and you you quickly go through them all and you there's always like you know like at the moment with like people working from home it's like my wife in one room me and the other and you can just hear both of them fuck did you check the email she's not in there fucking again like what's the and like my wife's like room, me in the other. And you can just hear both of them go, fuck, did you check the email? She's not in there fucking again. And my wife's literally going, I'm going to ring the school. I'm going to fucking ring them up and go, why are you not taking a picture of her?

You should be taking pictures of her. What's wrong with her? Is this a thing where there's like, if there's daycares where you're paying more, they're like, you're getting a personalized email with just photos of your kid. I'm sure there is. You do get a roundup at the end of the month or two months

or three months where it's like, oh, here's her autumn. And it's like fucking – it's like pictures of Bigfoot. Like she's blurry in the background. My father-in-law had the most wonderful fall this year. Clearly they've all photoshopped off the same image of her from summer. They've just reversed it and flipped it and whatever. So is it a teacher? Like is there a teacher doing the curriculum

and then having to take photos? Should they be photographing the children? Yes. I was going to say, what a great job to have just really been only invented probably in the last, like, few years, like before that. Like what do you do for work? Oh, hang out at the daycare and take photos of the kids. For the parents though.

Oh, honestly. The parents of these kids. I mean, it's meant to be just for them. But, I mean, all the parents from the daycare get photos of all of the kids. It's not a perfect system. No, and that should be in the job description because there are some pretty fucking average pictures going on where you go, these are not salvageable.

Like, get someone that can fucking hold a phone. Right. Honestly, they're fucking Bigfoot pictures where it's like, is that my daughter or is that a teacher? Maybe your daughter's taking the photos. Maybe. She's three, right? Maybe.

She's like a three-year-old. Is there like a popular kid that's getting like the most photos taken? And can we meet them? Yeah. There's a few of one of them. There's a Timothy Chalamet who's just lighting up the camera. One of them gets a very big go. Okay.

One of them gets a very big go. Right. Interesting. They're probably a nightmare. They'll probably run into. Right. Interesting. They're probably a nightmare. They'll probably run into the shot. Maybe. They're probably a bad kid. Maybe they're a scene stealer.

You're right. They're like Baby Warty saving Christmas every year. Yeah. So this is what's happened the last couple of days. They were writing letters to Santa. So you can see what the kids are writing letters to, what they're asking for. So there's pictures of the kids are writing letters to, what they're asking for. And so there's pictures of the letters that they're writing

and you can see they're asking for a doll or a new dress or a train or something like that. And it's been going on for days and we haven't seen our daughter write her letter yet. So this has been going on for days and days. And then I'm like, fuck. So we went in to pick her up last night and i was like when are we getting up to my my daughter's day for like writing the

letter we want to know what she wants for christmas like you obviously ask the kids what they want for christmas and they're like oh yeah yeah she did that today actually i'm like, oh, great. What does she want? And she goes, oh, she said she wanted a star. Okay. Okay. She wants a star. That's cute. Like an actual star from the sky? Well, what else does she want?

I want daddy to start wearing his wedding ring again. Maybe she wants. Why isn't he wearing it? Maybe she wants me to do a performance. It is pretty hard to shop for a star. Like the other ones, I'm like, you know, fuck, they've made it easy. They want to train. They want to dress.

But I was like, well, what? And so then I said. No, Wardy's got the right idea. She knows what you do for work. She's like, get Hughie. Oh, right. You could have chosen someone a bit bigger than me. Yeah, I started doing five minutes and the kid says,

no, I didn't say open mic or I want a star. I've read your IMDB. I want a star. A podcast star. A real star. Money's a little tight this year. So are you going to buy one of those certificates or something and name the son?

Yeah, like she owns the son from now on. That's cool. That's good. The sun's a pretty good one to have. It is an overlooked one when people buy a star. Like who owns that one? That's the closest one. No one's got the sun yet.

That was an option. I thought that's the most obvious one I would have thought. But yeah, I don't know. Can you do that? What would happen if you go in for those certificates when you buy a star? We can give you a part of the Big Dipper. Not interested. I want the fucking Big Kahuna.

Thank you. I want one I can see during the day. All right, mate? Yeah. I don't want one of these fucking ones at night where you go, oh, I kind of guess I can see that one. Yeah, I want one that people are happy when they see it, when it comes out during the day.

Put it this way. I want a non-binocular one. Yeah, exactly. I want one so big you have to fucking put glasses on to make sure you look after yourself. I want one so big it have to fucking put glasses on to make sure you look after yourself. I want one so big it'll take the skin off Danielle Walker's back. I want to own the thing that gives so many people cancer. That's what I want.

Yeah, that's what I want for my child to be a part of the problem. So, yeah, what can you do with this information? Honestly, I don't know. Like, does she want a big picture of a star on a fucking wall? Get her some glow-in-the-dark stars for the back of her bed. Maybe some glow-zone shit or like a hanging mobile. And if you don't want to do the roof, yeah, do the back of the door or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's pretty good. One of those, like, little lamps that's got all the stars in it. And reveal it. Oh, it'd be so cool to come in at night and be like, check this out. Yeah. I was with my friend when it was, was like the night before his daughter's fourth birthday and we were having dinner and the wife was like, you know, jeeing the kid up for their birthday the next day. And they're like, oh, but you know,

and they clearly they knew what answers the kid was going to be saying. So there's like, oh, and what are we doing tomorrow? Birthday. It's like, oh yeah, what gifts are you hoping for? Oh, this. And what's your favorite color at the moment? And she goes, purple. And the wife goes, fucking news to me.

News to you. So I've got a whole bunch of pink shit ready to go. That was the answer earlier in the week. They're going to be getting up pretty early and heading to the shops now. Fucking very good. So I would say we're what? We're three weeks away from Christmas Well that was the thing

Because kids The answer will change between now Exactly And that's what I thought that day Where they've written it down Like the day before or whatever And I've gone Oh okay

So then in front of the kid The teacher's there The kid's there And we're like So hang on What did you ask for for Christmas again And she goes A star daddy

And just reiterated I gave you another go at it But I mean three weeks relative to her age right it's like that's a year and a half for us absolutely how much your mind's going to change between now and this time next i had a big change when i was about 10 but it was like over the year at the start of the year i saw this like handmade teddy bear it was like very expensive it's like you know you could pick everything about it and that's what i wanted and by the end of the year, I wanted a Dismant.

So when my birthday came around and I got the teddy bear, I was pretty solid because I changed so much. You might be right. My kid in two weeks might have changed from, you know, wanting the biggest ball of gas in human existence to wanting some Play-Doh. You might be right. The worst gift I've ever gotten was one time my mum,

before my sisters were born, she did like a makeover of my bedroom while I was at school and I got like a sea-based bedroom then. It was like everything in the room was like ocean-themed. Okay. And then my Uncle Peter for my birthday bought me this like sculpture of a plate that was like a fisherman's basket, like a food dish. That's good.

And it was just like a seafood. It was so heavy because it was like ceramic. And it just like had a big like crayfish in the middle and then surrounded by like oysters and stuff. Now this is very Queensland. And I was just like, what the? I'm eight. What the fuck do I want with this? What a good little eight-year-old girl that always wanted a seafood basket you can't eat.

It was the ugliest thing I've ever seen. Did you have an interest in the under-the-sea stuff before your mum? Did you have a crush on Barnacle Bill? I liked seals. I thought seals were very cute. You liked to sing a seal and then he went, Oh, well, this is close enough. A seafood basket.

That is funny how it's like when you're a little kid, it's like there's like four themes that all parents have just decided are universally applicable to every child. It's like you love dinosaurs because that's what kids like. All babies like space. I'm going to make your room look like space. Yeah, I was also underwater. Big dolphin girl.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, everything had a dolphin on it. Yeah. You know what they do? They're not the nicest anymore. Oh, yeah. Turns out. They've been cancelled, haven't they? Yeah, everything had a dolphin on it. Yeah. You know what they do. They're not the nicest animal. Oh, yeah. Turns out. They've been cancelled, haven't they?

Yeah. They don't care for consent. Yeah. Flipper's Netflix special has been taken off. Yeah, that's it. People are off it. Are you guys going back to Queensland for Christmas? Yes.

Nice. I'm actually not this year. Okay. I'm having Christmas here. But the Queenslanders are the immediate ones that are coming down. Okay. So mum is coming and my brother. Okay.

They're coming down. And his partner from northern Queensland. They must be the closest they get to a white Christmas, coming to Victoria. Oh, they're like already talking about what jackets they have to pack. They're freaking out. They probably think Santa actually lives in Melbourne. Wow, it might drizzle.

There's a 20% chance of drizzle. Yeah, they are really stressed. They are quite stressed about it. They're like, I don't know if we're going to be able to fit it all in the suitcase. I'm like, don't bring any snow boots or anything. That's awesome. How long for?

Two weeks. So quite a long time. But they've got their own Airbnb. They're not like at my house. So that'll be all right. And they're bringing the Jack Russells. They've got brother, sister Jack Russells. Quite a long time. But they've got their own Airbnb. They're not like at my house. Okay, that's good. So that'll be all right. And they're bringing the Jack Russells. They've got brother, sister Jack Russells.

It's all happening. Mum's bringing the dogs down. It's all happening at Castle Boy. Sunny and Cher are coming. I've made the call in the last couple of weeks, this Christmas, for the first time, hosting it here. Having the parents at mine doing the big roll of the dice and seeing how that goes.

Hell yeah. And I'm stressing about it. Yeah. Never done it before. Have you ever hosted your folks at your place, Carl? No. No. No.

I'm just trying to think of like, no, I've never been in a place where it's like not good enough, but I feel like it's always It's more Christmas If it's At my folks home I've still got that childlike Sort of love of Christmas

Where it's like I'm back to being a kid Yeah Mum and dad are in charge Sort of thing Yeah And if If I'm running it

It's like Oh this is not really Christmas This is just I'm ready to I'm ready to A bit of a shit day And there's nothing There's nothing worse than Someone else running it in your house.

That would be a nightmare. And explain everything, where everything is. I still think me running it in my own house would be worse. Okay. I'm ready to cross the line. I'm ready to see how it goes. Maybe next year I'll retreat back to just wanting mummy and daddy to cook me a little lunch.

Yeah. But for this year I was like, you know what? Because it's it's like it's my favorite meal of the year is my mom's christmas lunch right right yeah i've always just like this is the first time it's like where i'm in a house where it's like i could do this because i've always been in like a share house or a small apartment so i'm like um yeah i'm fucking taking it on sounds good i'll be here yeah come around like i said bring the whole fam bring the the Jack Russells. Just one of them. But this is part of the reason, like I said, favourite meal of the year is my mum's Christmas lunch.

This is part of the reason why sometimes people say to me, oh, why do you call your kid Blanket on this show? Why do you call your wife Don't Say Her Name on the show? Why don't you give out the real details of your family? I'll tell you why. Here's a good example. I put up a picture of my mum's Christmas lunch like a couple of years ago

and then people from the show or whatever were like, yeah, that looks fucking dry as shit to me. I'm like, I'll fucking, I will kill you cunts. And I was like, if I'm feeling like this about my mum's Christmas lunch, if I put up my picture of my wife or kid and they said anything, I would fucking hunt these cunts down

and fucking gouge out their eyes right even the name someone going that's a shit name for a kid it's like

oh my god absolutely is that your wife she's dry as shit look at her it really would be an interesting test to see how far

these animals would go to just put up a photo of your wife just to test them and go is there anyone fucked enough to go what dog

put up a decoy put up a photo yes a fake wife fake wife and see what they say if you behave yourselves with the fake wife you get to see the real one wasn't there when we did the gig in london there was a friend of yours that was doing the merch for us do we ever talk about that we talked about a friend of mine who moved to London, who's still living there, came and helped us out by doing the merch, and people there were scandalised thinking, that's her, that's Mrs Chandler's merch. Yeah, but then, wasn't there people cracking on to her?

Yeah, there was one guy cracking on to her. I don't know if he, I mean, I'm sure there was a Venn diagram of like, thought it was Chandler's wife cracked onto her and then maybe there's an intersection in the middle of like the ultimate the ultimate

I'm cracking onto her exactly I'm a big I'm a big fan of the show I fucked Chandler's wife she was wet as hell oh you've got all the t-shirts hold my drink

yeah oh you're a Patreon subscriber well I've got one up on that actually yeah well yeah the last time i cooked for my parents or put anything on for my parents was uh mother's day this year my dad hit me up and was like hey instead of going out what if what if we come around for dinner and you cook for us mom i really like that and i was like sure happy to do that that sounds great and dad's like but what i'll do is i'll tell we'll trick her i'll tell her that we're going out and then at the last minute

like we'll say we're going to go to your house and then we'll get around there and then you know you'll just have dinner all ready to go oh no i'm like why is there got to be why is there got to be a trick like why like why can't you just say we're coming around for – And I'm sure you're a good cook, but that's still always going to be disappointing. Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. We've picked your favourite restaurant. Yeah, totally. So then it's like during the week, it's like Dad hitting me up

and he's like, it's going beautifully. She doesn't suspect a thing. I've told her we're going out. She keeps asking me. She's like, where are we going? And I was like, oh, Tom hasn't told me yet. You know what he's like. Hasn't given me any – I was like, oh, Tom hasn't told me yet. You know what he's like, hasn't given me any details. I was like, so now I'm being thrown under the bus as part of this.

Like I'm being made to look like a complete cunt who's just not organized it at all. Shit son on Mother's Day. Yeah, totally. So then it's like they get round and like walk in the door and I've kind of got it all set up. And mum's like, oh, aren't we going out? And I'm like, no, surprise, I guess. I've cooked for you.

And mum's like, oh, well, I mean, I'd worn those shoes thinking we were going to be walking for a while. I would have dressed completely differently. I'm like, yeah, yeah, you're fucking welcome. Yeah, you'd be more comfortable, wouldn't you? If you weren't going to be out, you're just sitting on a couch. Exactly, yeah. I mean, it is an interesting surprise on one angle where it's like, oh, I'm going to get professionally cooked food. wouldn't you if you were gonna be out you're just sitting on a couch exactly yeah I mean it is

an interesting surprise on one angle where it's like oh I'm gonna get professionally cooked food oh no it's by some cunt who doesn't really know what he's doing

yeah exactly by some guy who I sort of taught how to cook yeah yeah so not as good as me yeah and dad's just

standing there going I fucking gotta I don't know why it was so important to him to like to prank my mum in some way. It's like those Instagram boyfriends that their whole account is just like spooking their partner.

Dad's like, yeah, we fucking got her. I'm like, I didn't really want any part of this. I was pretty happy to just go out for a breakfast, but all right. And so I cooked a good meal. They really liked it. I think I'm pretty good at cooking. I felt like they left and they loved what I'd made. And I was like, this actually does feel pretty good.

Glad Dad forced me into this. She's going to hope the Christmas surprise is that it'd be the opposite. She really wants to come here. You come and you're like, surprise, we're going out. Right. She's like, now any time that these two say that we're doing something, we're doing the opposite. So she thinks're having christmas at like a michelin hat restaurant yeah um so uh yeah like so i feel good about it then the next day

i'm uh i'm on the phone to dad and he's like yeah it was it was really good mom really really liked it and yeah thanks for thanks for coordinating with me on this big prank we really got her well i'm like oh glad you glad you enjoyed the food. He's like, yeah. Yeah, we've been pretty sick today. But yeah, it tasted good at the time. So that's my last experience of cooking for my parents. So what's the spicy food that you cooked up

that's no good for your folks? I think it might have been soy sauce that upset them. Well, there you go. There you go. Salty water. A bit of ginger and soy sauce really fucked them over. That's it. A bit of oriental magic is not good on the constitution of the baby boomers.

Spring onion, rice. I think maybe the rice did it. So, yeah, stick into ham and chicken for Christmas Day. I mean, maybe that's the lesson. It's like Christmas lunch is the only meal you should cook. Please don't mess with any glaze. It's going to go straight through them. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Have anything from the salatas or the Ritz, guys. Yep. And now it makes a lot more sense as I'm telling it out loud. Mum has really been on me like, happy to bring anything? Like, no, no, no, you know, I'm having it. I'm fully committed. I'm going to do all of it.

She's like, really? Just let me know. Happy to bring whatever you need. No, Mum. Make it a nice spicy salad. Some jalapeno poppers for an entree. I could never do it. My mum couldn't deal with anything.

Salter's become her enemy recently. And I realise I've picked the wrong episode to wheel that story out on because the whole time you're just listening to this family story going, when's it start? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When's anything happen that's not the first four words of one of my stories about my family? Dad tricked my mum once.

Yeah, yeah. Mum didn't like soy sauce. Oh, okay, well, my mum is a fucking Martian. She won't season the food anymore. She will put zero salt in any food now. Okay. And then if Noel, my mum's partner, wants to put salt on the meal, she'll like berate him.

Is the health choice? She'll be like, you're going to die. You're going to die. Yeah, it's the health choice thing. You posted on Twitter a recipe that your nan had texted you for sandwiches. Yes, that's a beautiful sandwich recipe. Yeah, and it was like, no salt on the sandwiches because there's enough in the cheese.

Why put salt on when you can just put cheese in and get flavour plus the salt that you want? Exactly. I mean, I always get chicken cheese on my chips. So, yeah, it's the same deal. Exactly. I mean, that recipe is a beautiful recipe, though, and it's very straight.

It's like grated onion. It's bizarre. It's grated onion, grated cheese, some vinegar, salt and pepper, all mixed together, and then just put between two slices of bread. It's a sandwich. So it's just you make a slop. Yeah, you make a slop. You make a slop and then putting it in bread.

And it's actually very tasty. We do lots of different sandwiches, pineapple sandwiches, carrots. So there's no you make a slop. Yeah, you make a slop. You make a slop and then putting it in bread. And it's actually very tasty. We do lots of different sandwiches, pineapple sandwiches, carrot. So there's no cheese in that one? No, there is cheese. That's cheese, onion, vinegar, salt and pepper, and bread. And I reckon it sounds good. It's really tasty. And vinegar on anything's good.

That's true. Yeah, that's true. That's really tasty. I don't think I've ever had vinegar in a sandwich, to be honest. Oh, you've been missing out. Yeah. I'm going to really tasty. The other one is... I don't think I've ever had vinegar in a sandwich, to be honest. Oh, you've been missing out. Yeah. I'm going to try it. The other one is grated carrot, grated onion, barbecue sauce, tomato sauce,

Worcestershire sauce all mixed together, that and a sandwich. Okay. And is that good? That's good too. And then the other one... It's like 50% sauce. Why is everything grated? I don't know.

It's just easy to taste. Have your parents got teeth? Nana and Grandad don't. And that's where the recipes are from. And then the other one is just fresh pineapple. I'm surprised they're being trusted with bread. Isn't it like breadcrumbs mixed up just into a ball that they can just suck or something? That would be tasty, to be honest.

It'd be just like a rissole of slop. Quite enjoy. Rissole sandwich where the sandwich is the rissole. Yeah, I like that. And then the other one is just fresh pineapple just cut with some salt on a sandwich. You've got to have the salt because it stops the like, you know when pineapple burns your tongue?

Does it? Because you've eaten so much pineapple. It's like the pineapple, the acid in it starts to eat the taste buds off your tongue or something. Okay. I've eaten a lot of pineapple. So it's just pineapple, salt and bread. Yeah.

Oh, and some butter. Okay. You don't forget the butter. Maybe I'll serve these to my parents on Christmas Day. They're actually pretty good. See how the Walker family recipes go down. The slop sandwich. You brought all these stories out on Natural,

but we did say at the start, is there any, we'd like to check in with the, we've had heaps of the family already, but we did check in, you did give us some, your set list, your dot points. What were the dot points that you said at the start again? There was one about my mum and I and her trying to bond with me. Oh, in the mirror? Yes. Is that what you were going to say?

Yeah. Yes, in the mirror? Yes. Is that what you were going to say? Yeah. Yes. She decided one time, I think because we never really spent any quality time together. Right. Because it was sort of like, let's do your chores or clean the house or something. Yeah, you and your sisters hanging out peeling skin. Yeah. No time for mum time.

No time for mum time. And so. Got a delicious sandwich recipe. Grate some cheese, grate some carrot, throw some skin in there. No salt on the skin. And I don't know what she – I think maybe she'd like watch some Gilmore Girls or something where she saw like a mother-daughter relationship and maybe got jealous or something of like maybe I should be like that.

And in her mind, I think that's what was happening. But she came into the room and she was like, this will be a nice nice exercise let's stand in front of the mirror together and point out the similarities and differences between our faces but then we didn't do that instead what she said we're looking in the mirror and she said i have a nicer nose than you but you have nicer eyes than me but then we looked for another 10 seconds or so and then she said oh no i do have nicer eyes than me. But then we looked for another 10 seconds or so and then she said, oh, no, I do have nicer eyes than you. Wow. So this sounds like this was just in the chamber for her ready to go.

Yeah. Right. I think maybe because she had me young, it was like something in her that was like just go have a look and see that you're still the hotter one. Right. Yeah, right. Or something.

I'm like 14. Right. If me and my 14-year-old daughter were competing for dudes, I'd still leave her for dead. She also used to – we used to go to Suzanne Grey. That's like a shop for like middle-aged women. And she would just buy clothes for her and then just buy them in a smaller size for me.

And then we'd walk around in our matching outfits. In your shoulder pads yeah yeah i had this like i was like oh it was horrible because you know when you'd have like colored clothes day at school i hated it because then i'd be in like i'd look like an accountant like a secretary or something yeah and i had this one skirt that was like this long and it was like a pencil skirt and it was brown and it had like blue embroidery of floral up one side and then just like a tucked in blue button-up shirt at school just looking like I looked more like a teacher than any of the teachers.

Right, right. And I had that short haircut too, that like Karen mum haircut that my mum gave me. Yeah. Did she give you that just to ensure she would always look hotter? Yeah. Well, she had the same haircut. Oh, wow.

Okay. Did you have a crush on some of your classmates and she was just making sure she had an inroads on them beyond you? Well, nobody wanted to hang out with me because of the way I looked. You're sick at home and she just goes into school in your place. Yes. I've had a growth spurt. You probably look like a narc in school.

Like you're all dressed up like an adult. I looked way older when I was in school than I do now. Yeah, it was. We would have free clothes days at school where we had a uniform and then there would be kids that what they would wear on the free clothes day would be like, you're not a million miles away from wearing the uniform. It's like you can wear anything and you're still wearing like a suit and a jacket. The fuck's wrong with you?

I remember having a real turning point at school one day when it was like free clothes day and I'm like wearing whatever and all the other kids are wearing whatever and I hadn't really clicked. And then some kid just looked at me and went, are you wearing clothes that your mum bought you? And I'm like, yeah, that's how else would I get clothes. And everyone else was like, no, we buy it. We choose our own clothes.

I'm like, ah, I didn't get that memo I didn't realise that was a thing so I'm like alright that night I'm going to choose my own clothes mum and she's like what do you want I'm like I don't know let's just go into a shop and all point at things what do you think is good that midpoint where you're allowed

to pick your own clothes out but your mum is still having to buy them and approve them for you, and you're in the clothing shop picking out stuff that your mum's vetoing, and there's older people. Every now and then you're in a store now, and you see a kid going through that. It's like, God, that might be the worst part of childhood. I remember going into it that night or the next night or something,

going into the sports store in Meribor, a very small selection, and just going, I desperately need a shirt that I pick out myself that's like a shirt that kids at school would wear. And then going through the racks and going, all right, well, there's one shirt that fits me. I guess I'm wearing this one. I'm just wearing some fucking half surf brand thing that I've got no interest in.

All right, well, I'm a big boy now. I'm wearing that shirt. I picked it myself and that's all got no interest in. Alright, well I go, fucking I'm a big boy now. I'm wearing my shirt. I picked it myself and that's all that matters. I used to praise the Lord when you'd get to a shop and the changing rooms were one with a door with a lock on them. Because if not, if you're like a

girl shopping with your mum, she will just open that change room two seconds after you've walked into you completely naked. It's like they know the exact amount of seconds after you've walked into you completely naked. It's like they know the exact amount of time until you've pulled your pants down. It's a motherly instinct. Your mum opens up the door, nah, got better breasts than them. Yeah, I still got it.

I still got it. My mum was stoked when I said, can we go shopping? Because other than that, I would wear my older brother's handy-dans and she hated it. She hated me being a tomboy. But the clothes were two times too big for me, so I looked like Eminem. He's like, you know, denim shorts past my knees

and this huge loose shirt. She was trying to save money originally and then she realised that if it was like, oh, I do not want you to dress like, I mean, she's changed her mind now. But then she she was like yes let's go shopping kyle you made that boob joke and my mom one time she did give me like when i started to grow when i started to go grow boobs my mom bought in one of her old bras to give me and it was like a bra that didn't fit her anymore because she'd had kids and they got all different.

You know, they get all big. They got all different. They got all different. You know when you see like a mum's nipples are like this finger size. Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, they're just always out and stuff. And she gave me one of her old ones and then she told me because it was like a lacy one and she was like,

I used to wear this when I'd go out on the town and stuff. And then I was like, I don't want to have your old bra used to fucking. That's fucked up, mum. That is fucking great. This is the bra that I got your dad in. Here you go. Now it's time for you to wear it. Wow. No training bra, just a fucking in. Here you go. Now it's time for you to wear it. Wow.

No training bra, just a fucking bra. That's great. And the idea that you're at a party and you pick up a guy and he's trying to get your bra off. He's like, how do you get this off? You're like, I actually don't know. I've never worn it before. Funny story, it's actually my mum's old fucking bra. Actually, I'll ring my dad. He knows how to get it off.

Here you go. Talk to him. Fucking hell. Alright, we better get it off. Here you go. Talk to him. Fucking hell. All right. We better wrap it up there for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Alex Ward, Danielle Walker, thank you so much for joining us. Thank you so much. You guys both have festival runs coming up next year. Yes.

2022. Wardy, you've got your show called You're Welcome. I do. Please come. On in. I'm writing it You're Welcome yeah

I'm doing a few Melbourne Adelaide before that so I'm doing Adelaide I think just the week before I think it starts on the 15th of March I believe

to the 19th so some both on sale oh well no Adelaide will be on sale Adelaide is on sale Melbourne not quite but maybe some other cities

I don't know yeah and you've got a podcast I've got a podcast called Going Hyper know. And you've got a podcast? I've got a podcast called Going Hyper. Excellent. Danielle Walker, you've got a show that's not as yet untitled, I believe. Yes.

I don't know what it's going to be called just yet. But, yeah, that'll be on at Festival. And I don't know what other festivals I'm doing. I can't remember which ones. Good plug. Yes. Keep an eye on the socials. Follow these guys on the socials. They'll be out there doing stuff yeah yeah and you got a podcast um well we just wrapped up and we're having a new podcast which we think is going to

be called the the bitching hour the bitching hour yes okay because it's like the witching hour but it's the bitching hour and because our old podcast was called Batch Bitch. I don't really know. The other, because if not, it was going to be called Y2K Scrags. I like Y2K Scrags. Me too. I don't know. I didn't really have a choice.

Good name. All right. We'll keep an eye out for that, whatever it's called. Lots of currently untitled Daniel Walker. Yeah, we'll figure stuff out as we go along. At the very least, if you don't go to anything, help her with names. Yeah. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, we'll figure stuff out as we go along. At the very least, if you don't go to anything, help her with names. Yeah.

All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And you have to assume that they've done it again. Full disclosure, we are recording this before we've done it again. We're about an hour out from doing it again. We are fully Pulp Fiction-ing this or

whatever. Normally this is like we're sort of on the downhill kind of track after having done the episode. This is our cool down. But this week it's our warm up stretch. Getting the hammies in order. If you start being too funny Tommy I'll just pull you up. Save it.

I do. I really feel like I'm conscious of not burning myself out in the riff factory that is Talking Dumb Dumb. Yep. So, like we said at the top, all those live shows, Heathcote this weekend, there's a few little nervous Nellies have offered up a few tickets. There might be a couple on the socials between now and then. Of course, the big bus trip with Milan at the helm.

Not driving, just captaining. Yeah. Just at the helm without actually being the guy. You know, the captain doesn't steer the wheel on a ship,

does he? He just tells someone what to do, doesn't he? I think he might be doing that, but I think there's someone who's in control and then there's another person

who is essentially calling the shots. Yeah, yeah. So he's in control. Yeah. And then there's another person who is essentially calling the shots. Yeah. Yeah. So he's doing whatever that is. And then the big live, yeah, show up in Heathcote. Be very interesting having not been there before. Yep.

And having the people up there not really know what's about to happen. Mm-hmm. Should be good. Oh, I wonder if we'll get any just kind of local stragglers coming to the gig Yeah Are we going to be able to accommodate them? Just anyone who's walking past the pub going, this looks like a bit of fun I would assume not because I told the owner up there how many people are coming

And he was like, oh shit Right So I don't anticipate that means there's a lot of room up there Okay Well, I mean, if we could squeeze one or two of them in, that'd be interesting Sure Yeah, look, fine If that's the way that we get a new listener or two out of it then so be it i'd love it for some dera up there to walk past and we go yeah it's actually 35 dollars thanks and then go oh yeah no worries okay yeah this better be rodney rude he better

be on the panel not far off is this this better be rodney Rood or Carl Barron or Jemoan or fuck this? Yep. The three comedians in Australia. Then, of course, the big five fans of the show. January 15. The Brisbane Show, 29th of January. Perth, 5th of March, I should say. And Adelaide.

Adelaide, new date. Yes. Exciting. Exciting. February the 26th, 2022 at the Rhino Room, 3.30 in the afternoon. Big live podcast. We're back to full capacity in there after our double shows last year. Just the one this year.

And that is a Saturday afternoon? Yes. Saturday afternoon, 3.30. Tickets now at littledumbdumbclub.com. They'll be on sale right now. And you know what it's like over in Adelaide? Get your tickets quick. Exactly.

Before those fuckers over there snaffle them all up. They're little ticket hoovers over there, aren't they? And weirdly enough, this keeps happening every time we go to Adelaide, but it's on, I don't know if you're aware of this, it's on at the same time as the Adelaide Fringe. Oh, okay. So we just, you know, obviously we're not part of that. We're just there doing a show.

But this just keeps happening. It's so weird. That rings a bell because that happens to be the same thing that happens with Melbourne Comedy Festival as well. Yeah. Which is like, we've got to have a talk to our booking agent about this because this seems. It's really strange. It's eerie. It is.

It's getting like once or twice you go, okay, that's a strange coincidence. But every year it's like something else is going on here. Yeah. I mean, look, I feel weird about it because what's essentially happening is we're on the coattails of several festivals and getting all the goodwill about them and they're not paying them any money for it. And I feel really bad about that. Yeah.

Because I mean, despite the fact we sell out all our shows and have absolutely no need for these festivals to have us under their umbrella, I still feel like we should be giving them hundreds and hundreds of dollars for fucking no reason. Yeah. Yeah, it's really weird. It's strange that they don't kind of put these dates out there in advance for us to sort of be aware of that. But that's the strange kind of times that we live in.

It's strange that at least one of them hasn't sort of hit us up to go, hey, what are you boys playing at here? Oh, wait, they did. Anyway. Yeah, that was the Darwin Fringe Festival that hit us up that time. That's right. To have a go about that. That's right.

I would love that if the Darwin Fringe Festival hits us up and goes, hey, cunts, what the fuck are you doing here? If they go, that's the only festival that these guys haven't gone around and tried to pull the piss with yet. So we're going to preempt it and make sure that we get in before they pull one of their famous stunts. But yeah, 3.30 p.m. Saturday afternoon, February the 26th at the Rhino Room. And then I think I'm going to do a little trial of my show

in the Rhino Room afterwards at about 4.45 in the afternoon. So those tickets will be out there as well. Great. Tommy Daslow, the debut of Tommy Daslow cancelled. Yes. Wow. And finally saying the things that I'm forbidding you to say on this show. That's exactly it.

Yeah. Got to trial it in Adelaide. Got to make sure that it's good enough for them, this material that's going to get me cancelled. Well, you want to trial it in Adelaide. Got to make sure that it's good enough for them, this material that's going to get me cancelled. Well, you want to trial it somewhere, you know, just like you don't want people camping at the front of your house in Melbourne. You try it here, all of a sudden you're cancelled. You've got people with pitchforks at the front of your house.

At least you can do the show, quickly get on the plane and jet back to Melbourne before any of them can get their hands around your throat. Well, even if there was to be like a mob coming for me in Adelaide, not that many people would show up. So it's relatively low stakes. So you'd be like, get away from me, both of you. Oh, they outnumber me.

I'm really scared. They're pretty little though. So I guess maybe I could fight back. I'm probably going to be okay. Yeah. And also, they took about two months to complain. Yeah. So, yeah, I got away.

I got away well in time. But, yeah, looking forward to being over in South Australia. Get your tickets. Live and unleashed. Yeah, that's it. LittleDumbDumbClub.com for all of those tickets. How long have we been complaining about Adelaide for? This must be the 10th anniversary of us going there.

Easily. Something like that. We would have gone pretty early on. The more interesting question is how long have we been complaining about it where it hasn't really been an issue. I mean, last year we sold out a show very quickly. You know what I mean? It feels like the tide has turned for us at least.

Yeah. No, but then we put on a second show and then it didn't sell out, so we got to complain about that. That's true. Yeah. But, I mean, I feel like one way or the other, we sort of should put it to bed because what we find out increasingly when we get there is that the people over there hate it.

Yeah. No, look, what we should do is keep complaining about it on here and not do it to their faces. Not do it to their faces, yeah. That's probably a good thing. That's a good, yeah. I love complaining about it on here and getting no feedback of it. We need, just to remind ourselves so the instincts don't kick in,

we need to put a sign up kind of in the venue. Like in Brisbane where we were at that place that had no dance who on the wall. We just need to put no complaining about the numbers now that the show is on. So we come out, we're like, oh, you cunts do. And then we just see the sign and we're like, it's great to see you. Can't wait to do comedy. Even if you can hold up a sign that reminds us,

or if you can just bring something into the room so ridiculous that we have to focus on that instead. Oh, you distract us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring a shiny trinket yeah to draw attention away someone just take a shit in the middle of the crowd and stand up and go tommy can you wipe my bum bum yeah and it's like all right well then it becomes the bum bum episode yeah yeah a whole hour of me wiping someone's ass sounds like a fun gig like last

year where it took capper an entire hour to tell a story about proposing to his partner. Just an hour. People who didn't like that, then they're back there a year later watching me wipe a grown man's ass. Being like, we didn't know how good we had it in 2021. Yeah. And they're like, man, you should have done that last year for Kappa. You should have wiped his ass because fucking, I think that's what the smell was. Yeah.

Yeah. So that'll be fun. That the smell was. Yeah. Yeah. So that'll be fun. That'll be fun. Adelaide. Man, we're doing a lot of, through a big desert of no-shows, we've got an oasis of too many shows. Yeah. I mean, we've got the great thing that, you know, obviously a lot of people are having at the moment of the big log jam of rescheduled things butting heads up against new events that we would

be doing anyway at that time of year yeah a lot of traveling so make the most of a big old studio episode like you've just listened to now yes what a great one between between like fuck between next week and and the end of april you're gonna get fucking, oh, look, that'll go on sale very soon as we're about to do four. Back to Back for a live podcast in Melbourne from late March through till, I don't know, mid-April or so. I don't know. We'll see if those dates work for you, Tommy, if you've got anything else on those dates or anything. But I think we generally do that around that time for whatever reason.

So we might as well do it again. That'll be saturday afternoon uh at 4 30 at the european beer cafe upstairs uh if you guys want to come and do see that but maybe we'll put those on sale at the same time as uh as uh adelaide sure yeah so lots of live stuff to look forward to including like yeah next week the uh the heathcote show um like we said at the top then have a look on the socials. There might be a couple of people end up having something else on, which, you know, look, that's the good thing about being your own manager,

your own whatever the fuck we are, our own producers. Promoter. Is that we handle everything ourselves and then, you know, sometimes you do wish you had a manager or a ticket master to look after stuff when someone goes, oh, I fucking hurt my elbow. I can't come to the show anymore. I need a refund. Do you?

We had a great one during the week. A guy emailed us to say, oh, I bought a ticket to the 500th show off a guy who couldn't go when it was meant to be last year. And now that the date's changed, I'm worried that he can go and that he's going to show up and try and use the ticket that he sold to me because it's just an email of a PDF. And it's like, yeah, but that's a risk when even if the date doesn't change, someone could fuck you over by doing that.

Yeah, why weren't you worried about that last year? And also it's like, what can we possibly do about this? What are we meant to do? Just give us a photo of the guy and we'll put up a do not let this man into the venue. Are we individually managing all 1,000 people who are fucking coming into the venue? It's just like, yeah, man, that's just a,

I mean, it might not even be a real ticket. That is just the risk that you take when you buy something secondhand. Yeah, yeah. And all that stuff where it's like, you know, I just can't help but imagine what Ticketmaster would ever do if these same people hit them up. Like, we're getting hit up midweek by, oh, yeah, yeah, we bought tickets to Heathcote, you know, months ago now.

And now that there's only three days to go or whatever, yeah, I can't be fucked anymore. Don't really want to go. Yeah, so can I get all my money back? And it's like, oh, is that what you would – how do you reckon Ticketmaster go with that? Yeah. I do wonder. I mean, is there someone who's in there just dealing with that sort of shit all day, all week?

I think there's a big old fucking template that's dealing with that stuff. I would assume so. I would assume it's like you're filling out a form on the website and then it's probably you're just never hearing back. And guess what? You get on with your life. You either go – you either sell it to someone, you try and work it out so you're just never hearing back. And guess what? You get on with your life. You either go, you either sell it to someone, you try and work it out so you can go, or you just kiss goodbye to the money.

Those are the three options that if you're seeing Kings of Leon, that's just what you have to make your peace with. You're not going, hey, Caleb, it's okay if I get my $80 back. Yeah, yeah. My brother's having his 32nd birthday the next morning. So I feel like if I come and see Sex on Fire, I'll rock out too much. I'll be a bit tired for the brunch that we're going to have. So if that's cool, if you can just send back the $98 plus booking fee as well.

I'd like the booking fee back, yeah. Because I haven't really, if you think about it, I don't have the ticket anymore. So I don't really think I should have to pay for the booking of a that ticket that i don't have anymore i mean that's that's another side of the argument where it must be like well you did do the booking you might not be going you might not be using the ticket but you did do the booking did happen so you should have to pay for that man i've caught that before where it's been like uh no yeah so anyway uh no i um i um there's been a mistake with the website and so i'll have my money back and it's like it's never confirmed what the mistake is because it's like

no well the mistake is I think it's made by you and then it's like anyway I'll have my money back and then the second grab will be actually I didn't get my booking fee back so if you can give me back that I'm like

I don't have it mate I don't get it Try Booking gets it the booking fee is taken by the booking site and they're like well I still want it and I'm like, I don't have it, mate. I don't get it. Try Booking gets it. The booking fee is taken by the booking site. Yeah. And they're like, well, I still want it. And I'm like, well, I don't have it.

And also, by the way, it's 50 cents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so far we've had three emails back and forth about this 50 cents. Yeah. I think, you know, obviously you can assume Ticketmaster, Ticketek, yes, they would be getting these kinds of emails all the time. What I would like to know is how often, if you looked in the DMs of, say, for example, the lead singer of Kings of Leon, how many are they getting?

Because that must be happening where it's like someone strikes out with Ticketek, they get the form email back, and then they're like, you know what, I'm taking this all the way to the top. Yeah. At Caleb Folliwell. Yeah. Hey, mate. Yeah, had a bit of a snafu with your show in Sydney.

Can't make it anymore. Just wondering if you could look into getting me a refund. Man. I would be fascinated to know how often that happens. For sure. Full respect to the people out there that are man enough to buy a ticket to something and then go, you know what? This is on me.

I changed my mind. Yeah. And that's on me. I've done that plenty of times. Yeah. Gone to the last minute and either like, yeah, I feel sick or I try to get rid of it and then I can't and I go, oh, well, c'est la vie. Yeah.

You get some free things every now and then in this life and then sometimes you pay for something and you don't end up using it. It all shakes out in the end. Yeah. That's the risk you take when you buy a ticket to something. That's showbiz. That is showbiz. Hey, look, I got something here, right here for in two weeks time.

Oh, yeah. Who knows if I'm going to end up going? Well. Something might happen. I think you should hit up either Amel or the Sniffers. And ask them. Yeah, just hit them up. Just hit them up now.

Yeah. And go, look, at the moment I plan on coming. Yeah. But two weeks is a long time in baseball. Well, you know, I did get invited to a friend's Christmas thing on that night. And I was like, I mean, you know, it's a year of not really seeing people. There you go. And what do I do?

And, you know, so maybe I haven't made my mind up yet, but maybe I DM one of the sniffers and go, look, can I just have a bit of a standing arrangement here? Can I get a guarantee from you in writing that whatever I decide to do, and I promise it'll be at least an hour before the gig starts look you don't need in writing i just think it's polite of you to hit them up and go look this is the situation yeah just i don't want to shock you like and say i don't want to do the wrong thing and hit you up with two hours to go and go guess what guys yes going to a christmas party instead what you should do is now go, look, I'm just hitting you up to let you know

that I might, with two hours to go, demand a refund. So just get it all hooked up, leave a page open with the refund button open on Try Booking or whatever you need to do and get ready at six, seven o'clock on the Saturday night and get that ready so it's like you're not wasting time on the night when you're warming up and stuff. Have the money sitting in a little envelope at the door,

just ready to go, because I will still come to the venue to collect my refund. I won't go in. So on top of everything else, you want to cash in as well? I want to cash out, yeah. Because the other one that you could do, and you would have had this a bit, Hey, at Amel, what time are you guys on?

Oh, yeah, don't worry. I just want to know exactly how late i can roll up yeah because that's how non-committed i am to this night out i know it says the gig starts at eight but let's be realistic it's like when you get that in comedy festival for a solo show it's like yeah i got my ticket for eight o'clock but like what's the latest i can get there eight o'clock that's when the show starts it's not the show starts. It's not the big day out. It's not a whole day thing. I go on at 8 and then I'm done at 8.50. That's it.

And if that window doesn't work for you, that's fine. But there's nothing I can do about that. That's what it's got to be. Yeah. I just... Fuck. Man, yeah. Look in the socials, on the socials, in the groups and everything.

There must be plenty of people That listen to the show That are in retail Let us know your best Fucking request Oh what do people try on Yeah that would be Yeah

Your best request I love this shit This could be This could make it Into the main episode As a talkback topic Potentially Please

But let us know Look I'm still not decided If I'm going to actually Go to this or not So Friday the 17th of December Amel and the Sniffers At the Croxton Band Room. Look, if you potentially, if you're listening

and you might be interested, if I do decide to sell this, let me know. Just drop a pin in there so I know if on the day before I decide I can't be fucked going to this concert and I'd rather go to my friend's Christmas thing, just so I've got an easy out and I don't have to be bothering one of the three Sniffers.

Or another option, let Tommy know if you'd like to buy his ticket to his friend's Christmas party. Oh, if you want to go in my place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. The tickets were $40 plus booking fee, but I'll do them for $50 because I think they're sold out. Yeah, and you'll sign them. Yeah, I'll sign the ticket. That's great.

As Amel. Yeah, trying to get into the gig and being like, oh, I actually am going to need to hold onto the ticket because it's signed by a comedian who has absolutely nothing to do with this show. It's signed by a comic you've never heard of who's pretending to be Amel. Yes. But he's spelt the name wrong. Yeah.

A-N-A-L. And he's drawn the ticket himself. I don't believe he ever bought one. That's our cover band, Anal and the Sniffies. I love that. Like, we've made it dirty. Yeah, we've made it about anal sex. We've made it about sex.

All right. Well, patreon.com slash little dum-dum club is where you can go to support the show. Chip in a little bit of money and get yourself two bonus episodes every week. Always a lot of fun on those ones. You get them Monday and Friday. They're little bonus mini episodes with great special guests. But perhaps more importantly, you get your name potentially read out right now in this part of the show. I mean, yeah, you might not definitely be in this one,

but you will be at some point in the future. Yeah. But it could be you. You could be listening right now, and we're about to talk directly to you. This could be the foreplay right now where you'll always remember what we were talking about now because it was the lead-up to you becoming famous.

Oh, I'd imagine, you know, if you end up being read out in this episode, Amel and the Sniffers are going to become your favourite band. You're just like, I've never heard of these guys. Might look them up. And then you listen to the music and maybe it's not to your particular tastes, but you just love it because it reminds you of the great moment that your name got read out in your favourite podcast. Yeah.

The soundtrack to your immortalization. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, that can happen. Now, what's happening over there? Nothing. Just a slight error that I've made that I've now fixed. Okay. This shouldn't have even been brought up because, yeah, look, it's adding nothing.

Well, it was hard not to. That's all fine. Look, it's a nothing. It was hard not to. That's all fine. Look, it's a delicate machine, the UTA. Yeah, it had its Christmas party last night. Is that correct? It's feeling a little bit foggy today. Yeah, it didn't go to our mall in the Sniffers. It went to its own Christmas party last night.

It went to the UTA Christmas party. Yeah, they all get together. I had a hard time keeping up because, you know, we've had this one for quite a while. There's a lot of new models, and it was drinking with the new models last night. Right, right. And, you know, they can wake up knowing. Inappropriate. But this one, this one's just, you know, we've had this one for quite a while. There's a lot of new models and it was drinking with the new models last time. Right, right. And, you know, they can wake up knowing.

Inappropriate. But this one, this one's just, you know, fuck, it's still a bit shady now. Yeah, yeah. Must be pretty easy when they organised the Kris Kringle at the UTA Christmas party. Yeah. Bit of fighting over who's going to spit out the name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All of that, yes.

A real flight of fancy there. Yeah. All right, of that. Yes. A real flight of fancy there. Yeah. All right, let's crack in. Like you said, we have guests coming in to do this. What time are they getting here? I don't know. In about, I think, half an hour. 40 minutes?

Yeah. Yeah, all right. Yeah, so we've got time. Depends how many we do. Well, we've also got to do some dummy-os in between. I forgot to tell you. Oh, fucking hell. We've got some dummy-os to record.

You know, you can hit us up in time for Christmas for that bullshit as well. All right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Jack Livingston. Okay. Or Livingstone. Are any of these the dummy-os that we've got to do? Because if we could just knock them out, if we could just put the webcam on and knock them out while we're doing this,

that would be fucking awesome. Yeah. No, because all we've got to play with on these ones is just the name. Whereas, dummies, we tend to get a bit of detail about the person. And so it'll be like, oh, yeah, this guy's fucked in the head. And then we get to riff off that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

That's pretty cool. Some pretty juicy goss. He loves drinking beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one comes through a lot. He did a fart one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, cool. Get him. through a lot. He did a fart one time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, cool.

Get him. Oh, yeah. Get him. There we go. There's 15 minutes. Easy, straight off the bat. To be fair, it's good gear. Yeah.

But this guy, Jack Livingston, we don't know anything about him. He might like beer. What do you reckon? Jack Livingston? Jack. That's right. Jack Livingston. I went to school with a guy called Livingston,

with a guy surnamed Livingston. A bit of an odd young man. Okay. A bit of an odd young man where he was, got himself into trouble with the law during school. Okay. And then I sort of went to TAFE with him after that. Okay.

Got along okay and sort of like i don't know he sort of got weirder and weirder and then i never really heard from him for a few years and then one like years later i ran into him in a pub and i was like oh wow this you know that thing where you know you're quite close to someone then you don't see them for years and then you run into him yep i was like oh wow what's been going on and he was like really drunk and just going yeah i got locked up in an insane asylum but the good news is i broke out and i ran away from it like fucking hell that is good news that is good for you that's impressive stuff yeah they seem like they would be very difficult to get out of i would have thought so too um which made me think the sort of person that goes into an

insane asylum or something do they know whether they actually did break out or they just got released? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or even if they went into one at all. I don't know. It's really weird. They just left the door unlocked and they sort of ushered me out. Yeah.

And then I took advantage of that momentary lapse and I just ran for it. It was more of just an outpatient insane asylum. So just come in a couple of hours a day. When do you say you sort of went to TAFE with him? Well, yeah, I was just thinking, well, I did. I did. Because I was thinking, fuck, was I in a different class? But I was in the same class as him.

Okay. Yeah, so I did. Yeah, yeah. I went to TAFE with him at Ballarat, a place called the School of Mines. Wow. M-I-N-E-S, which I assume is still there. Very odd. I did think you said School of Mines.

Yeah. Which it's like, isn't that just every school? Yeah, well, that's why I corrected it. That's what a school is. I didn't want you to think I went to a place that was too good because that sounds like, oh, that's a cool place. That's what you should be working on. Yeah.

But this was School of Mines. So this was to get you ready for mining, going and working in mining. Well, that's the cool place. That's what you should be working on. Yeah. But this was School of Mines. So this was to get you ready for mining, going and working in mining. Well, that's the other thing. It's like, when you say it out loud, it's like,

what were you studying at the School of Mines? Were you, were you, graphic design? Digging? Yeah. No, no,

graphic design. Yeah. I was going to design a poster for the canary that goes down the coal mine. I was just doing Gina Reinhardt's business cards. Yeah. So, that was,

oh yeah. Have I ever told this story on the podcast? This guy that I'm talking about, we had a class project where we had to design a bad taste ashtray. Now, I don't know – You have told this, yeah. Have I told this on the show before? Yeah, yeah. And he nails the brief. Yes.

Very briefly Yes Very briefly Sorry to people that remember this or whatever I say to him He didn't have an idea And I said You should do a picture You should do a picture in the ashtray Of the teacher bumming you

And then he just did it And I was like I can't believe he did it And then he handed it in And the teacher just destroyed it And didn't grade him on it. And then pretended that the project never existed. Right.

And then didn't he, wasn't the story he went more crazy after that or something? Yeah, yeah. That was relatively sane. Yeah. Yeah. That wasn't crazy. That was just hearing a funny idea from me. And going, okay, I'll do it.

And going, okay, I've got nothing else. Yeah. No, no, no. He went crazier after that. He went loopy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went loco. That was relatively sane. Him just hearing a funny idea and'll do it. And going, okay, I've got nothing else. Yeah. No, no, no. He went crazier after that. He went loopy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went loco. That was relatively sane, him just hearing a funny idea and acting on it.

But to go back to your original question, Jack Livingstone. Yes. Livingston. Yes. I am going to say he is a teetotaler. Oh, really? Yeah. A name like that.

I get a bit of a real sober vibe from him. No judgment. Not knocking it. Do you know many teetotalers? There's not too many out there, is there? Not that I know of. I think that the only ones that I know are in comedy. Right.

I don't know anyone who doesn't drink outside of the world of stand-up. Fiona. Nazeem. Fleety. Fleety. Mooney. Brett, Blakey, Cody. This will take all evening. Yeah, no, I don't know anyone who's sober who's not in the world of comedy. And I also don't know any...

No, that's not true. That's not true at all. I was going to say I don't know any – no, that's not true. That's not true at all. I was going to say I don't know anyone who's sober and it's not the result of them having just gone way too hard for the rest of their life. But that's not true at all. Yeah. Okay, so this guy's going to be a rare exception of an outside world guy that's going to be sober, you reckon?

Yeah, I think so. I could just picture it. I pictured jack livingston i pictured just nice clean cut man just at a barbecue holding a can of heaps normal and just going honestly it tastes it tastes really good you think this guy's that much of a dickhead it's a good beer is it it is yeah they're good Is it beer? Yeah. Do you count it as beer? Yeah. It's not an alcoholic beer. Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know about that. I don't know. Name Jack Livingston. It's just, to me, reeks of not teetotaler. Okay. It's... I just can't imagine a name. It's a very sharp...

You think party animal? More likely, I would say. More likely. Because it's an entertaining name. Yeah. You've got something to live up to. But, I mean, I would go the other... I mean, that's part of my thought process is that,

hey, it's an entertaining name. You don't need to get pissed and feel like you've got to do that to be the life of the party when you've got a name like Jack Livingston. That's doing the work for you. Most people, when they drink, it's like, I want to be someone different. I want to be the version of myself that I want to be in my head. Whereas him, he's like, people hear that name and the fucking hard work's already done.

I don't need an anecdote. I don't need anything else. I just go, Jack Livingston. And they're already like, wow, I'm having a great time around this guy. Yeah, they're just, he says the name Jack Livingston. And they're like, oh, cool. What's he going to do now? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, oh, man, I just want to be Colin Brown. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't want to be Jack Livingston anymore. I want to be just plain old Colin Brown. I want to be Colin Brown. What a name. Colin Brown.

Colin Brown. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's almost the opposite point to what you're trying to make. Like, someone tells you it's funny. My name's Colin Brown. People are like, wow, that is fucking funny. You know, why is that with that guy that just died in America, the military guy, Colin Powell?

He was always pronounced Colin, but his name's spelled. It's Colin. I think that's just the Just the American Pronunciation Do they always say colon? Colon Colin

Yeah Colin Phil Collins They don't say Phil Collins Phil Collins Phil Collins Phil Collins Not Phil Collins

Well yeah Colin Colin Was it a bit Was that Was that just some sort of Like a jab at Colin Colin Colin, Colin, what's his name? Fucking Colin Powell to just go, oh man, he's a bit of an arsehole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe it was. Americans, let us know. That might be a funny military jab at him. Maybe what we're doing is the American equivalent of Harold Holt. Yeah. They call this guy Colin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is it because he's full of shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it because he's full of shit? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're good. We're good at comedy. Thanks, Jake. Thanks, Jackie. Jack.

Thanks, Jackie. Thanks, Jack. Thanks, old Jack Dead Rock. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Todd Runnels. Runnels. Yeah, odd one. What the hell is this? Yep.

Runnels. Runnels. You're right to ask that. R-U-N-N-A-L-L-S. Runnels. Yeah, odd one. What the hell is this? Yep. Runnels. You're right to ask that. R-U-N-N-A-L-L-S. Runnels. Runnels. This sounds to me like this is a very specific thing that I'm bringing up as if it's a very common thing, but maybe it's more niche than what I'm assuming.

But in a film where they would have a fake version of the Muppets, in a film where it's like there's puppets, and obviously they can't just for licensing, they can't version of the Muppets. Like in a film where it's like there's puppets. Right. And obviously they can't just for licensing, they can't just use the Muppets. So it's like, I feel like there's a handful of examples of that, of like the popular puppet show in this world. Yeah.

Runnels sounds like it would be an example. You know, there's like a film where you're like, oh, what's my kid watching on TV? Yeah. Oh, the Runnels. I love the Runnels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like a Beatles parody.

Yeah. Where they've just sort of gone like, the Runnels. You go, oh Runnels. I love The Runnels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or like a Beatles parody. Yeah. Just sort of going like, The Runnels. You go, this. I'm assuming this is going to be a very bad version of The Beatles. Yeah, yeah. We're probably just about due for another Beatles parody at this point. Oh, yeah. I can see that new doco.

They're really back in the public consciousness at this point. Yes, yes. They're on the show. What? We've been talking about them on the show. Well, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant the episode that people have just heard. Hey, maybe.

Yeah, Danielle Walker, the fifth Beatle. Maybe Danielle and Alex have some killer Beatles observations they've been waiting to bust out. They dumped Alex Ward when they were still playing in Hamburg. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the drummer at the time. They got rid of her. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was the drummer at the time. They got rid of her. Yep. Yeah, the Runnels.

The Runnels. Yeah. It's one man Runnels. One man. Come into Comedy Festival 2022. One man, seven hour get back documentary. Wow. Just you sitting around.

That's good. Playing the instruments Fucking around Riffing with yourself I thought you were Going to go super Super quickly from You know

That phenomenon That you have in comedy festivals Where someone goes One man Lord of the Rings One man Simpsons One man

Beatles Okay Very quickly And do one man Runnels Fuck we haven't even Really figured out What the Runnels are yet

But okay Now we've whittled them Down to one person No I want one person Re-enacting the and is it todd runnels that's doing it it's yeah it's todd it's big todd yeah yeah it's todd runnels in what the one man runnels and he's getting five and a half hours into his gig and then he's like all right everyone up to the rooftop so i can do the final part of the doco yeah me playing up there Yep. Him working on his final album, arguing with himself. Yep.

And then having his girlfriend hang around him for the entire time and then getting pissed off that she's hanging around. He's also the girlfriend. Yeah, he's swapping wigs and stuff. Oh, right. Yep. And then he leaves himself. Yep.

But then he comes back, of course. He's playing the monk that's just like hanging out in the corner. Right, right. Just a friend of George Harrison's who's just there hanging out at the start of the sessions. Yep. And then after doing all of this stuff, after arguing with himself,

impersonating a woman, doing all the stuff for four hours, he then gets up onto the rooftop and everyone's like, well, that's the natural next step. This guy's obviously going to fucking neck himself. Yes. Throw him off a building.

Yes. And that's the twist. That's where it deviates from the source material because you've got to mix it up in there at some point. Get back. Get back to the ground where you belong. Yeah, there we go. There we go.

Just all the people on the street. Oh, look, that's John Lennon. Oh, look, he seems to be standing right near the edge. Oh, no. Oh, no, boom. Oh, that's John Lennon. That's bloody Todd Runnels. Oh, he's made a right mess there. Oh, no. Oh, no. Boom. Oh, that's no, Lennon. That's bloody Todd Runnels. Oh, he's made a right mess there.

Thanks, Todd. Sounds great, Todd. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Fiona Baxter. Okay. Yeah. Okay. You like that?

Don't mind it. You like the sound of it. I like the last name Baxter. Yeah, I don't mind it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Fiona? Don't be silent, mate. Yeah mind it um yeah that's a slab you're on set sorry mate just some famous people hit me up oh yeah whatever no big deal who go on blow up this spot wouldn't like to wouldn't like to say oh yeah put it this way gosh isn't it put it okay let's put it this way who is that what what What? What did you say? That's a bit gauche.

Oh, gauche. I thought you said, oh, it's Rove, isn't it? No, it's not. He's always bloody texting you. Well, that's why I didn't hear you properly because I was like, who? You mean John. Yeah, yeah. For the 100th time, Chandler, who would you turn gay for?

He's just regularly going through his phone book, just hitting up random people to find out. He actually hasn't stopped doing the show over all those years. He's recording today. There's no audience. There's no guests. Well, people that got into showbiz after the show finished, he wants to know. Who would you... I never got the chance to ask.

He's making a comprehensive list. Yeah. Yeah. He never got the chance to ask Timothee Chalamet, who he turned gay for. So he's got to just keep working. His aim is to have a database of every current famous showbiz person. Any performer and who they would turn gay for. He's got Will Ferrell.

He's got Cameron Diaz from back in the day. He's got them probably dozens of times, I reckon. He's got Halle Berry, but he needs the next gen. Yeah, he needs Zendaya on there. Yeah, yeah. He needs Daniel Craig. He needs Kamau. Kamau.

Just Rose database of sexuality and it's like it's in a it's in a darkened room the only thing in there is this huge computer the only thing on the computer is an excel spreadsheet with just names upon names oh no it's one of those websites you know where it's like you know you can there's a website saying you know, say, is it the Queen's birthday yet? Oh, yeah. And you just refresh that site to see if it is. And for 364 days, it's not. But then for one day, it is. It's that.

If you just go there and just type in a name and it says gay or not gay. Wait. No. So hang on. Oh, no, wait. He's cataloging who's gay. No, that's right. This is a whole other project

No you're right You're right Yeah yeah yeah So it's more So you're thinking He makes this information Publicly available Of who they turn gay for

I like the idea That he just keeps it to himself Oh okay This isn't for any kind Of public benefit Right This is just He wants to know

Yeah yeah He got so addicted That rush that he would feel When he asked the question And then he'd get the answer back I do like He's addicted to that. I do like your theories.

No, no, no, he doesn't want it out there. He wants it just for himself. You know, like he used to keep it to himself on his live TV show in front of an audience. Well, that just was a happy circumstance that there happened to be cameras on. That was a hidden camera show to him. He was just asking for a lot of the game.

All that stuff was... He didn't realise that was on TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That didn't really matter to him. That was just a happy coincidence that he happened to be earning a living doing it. But he would have been doing it for free

as he is now. He thought that he was just having a conversation with his friends. It was like a bit of like get back. There's cameras and microphones in the flower pot and stuff like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, so. Oh, God. Anyway, I should respond. I should respond to him.

Who would I turn gay for then? Someone from fucking the Liverpool Football Club. No. No. I did watch James Bond the other day. Maybe I should say. Daniel Craig. Daniel Craig.

Not a bad pick. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's like, you know, like if you have to say it, and especially I'm thinking if this is like an audition for Rove's new private show at his house, and he's asking that question, you want something funny, you know, even if there is no audience out there.

Yeah. You want something funny because if you say Daniel Craig, then you've got a few yeah gags off the back yeah I've changed my mind who cares let's pick up the pace I want my arsehole time is running out

I want my arsehole shaken not stirred there you go there you go yeah alright thanks oh no we can't is that all we've got

how did we get that from Fiona Baxter alright but we did get a lot of that yeah that's something I got confused I thought we were still

on the second name. No, we didn't. Okay, we're not doing too bad. I take it back. What did you think of James Bond? No Time to Die. Yeah, I liked it. I don't know if I'd watch it again, but I liked it.

I watched it in the big old gold class, so I enjoyed it. And yeah, I give it a... Should we do spoilers? Can I say this? Can I do a spoiler? The ending might be one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It is fairly insane. In Bond or any other film.

Yes. Skip ahead one minute if you don't want a spoiler. Yes. But the last... Guys. The last, like, minute of the film is him going, I love you too, and then being annihilated by cruise missiles. Yes.

Being blown up by his own missiles. It's like... It's just so crazy that, like, they've always changed James. There's always been new James Bonds. Yeah. And feeling like they've just got to go so literal with this one for the first time in franchise history is so funny. It's weird that it's like, you're sitting there going, how come this cunt's gone for 50 years without dying and now he's got to die now?

Right. Yeah. And like, so will they, will the next one be a continuation? Because if the next one is just it's like hard reset as all the other ones have been, then it's even more absurd. No, it's just gone full Batman or whatever, where it's like, ah, we just start again now. The end. No, but that's what I mean.

Like, it will be that. But then why feel like you've got to kill off this Bond? Yeah. My friend was like, mark my words, it's going to be the daughter. It's like, what? So it's going to be set in, like, fucking 2043? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you talking about?

Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, it would be cool. It's like, all of a sudden, it's in the future. It's like, all right, I'd be interested. But, like, there's just no way. I do find it funny that like that there is that thing of going you know will the next james bond be a woman you know because it's like you don't see that the other way around so much so it's like what about we

see sex in the city oh right carries a bloke right a big dick well samantha's out who are they placing samantha with no one no but that's what i mean it's like it should be a bloke with a big dick. Well, Samantha's out. Who are they placing Samantha with? No one. No, but that's what I mean. It's like, it should be a bloke just sitting around with the girls. Yeah, I'm with you, ladies. I love pounding puss. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would have been awesome. Oh, Sam. Yeah. Yeah. God, she had a fucking monster clit on her. He's Aussie too. Hang on, so now he's not playing Samantha though because otherwise

he'd be talking about fucking women. I mean, fucking blokes. Well, but it's like, no, it's like the new,

they've rebooted it. There's now a male Samantha who's as horny as the old Samantha. Okay. So the character that was horny like a man is now also a man.

They're rebooting one character with the rest of the original cast? yeah, so it still all continues on but it's just, yeah. So it still all continues on, but it's just... So now we're just pretending this is like they've had a completely different history. Yeah.

That's better to me than what it actually is. We're just like, oh, we had a falling out. That's why we're not running into her in the street and hanging out with her. I think she's overseas or something. I think she's... She's overseas and they've had a falling out. But I read a thing the other day where the producers are like, we're leaving the door open.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We hope she's going to come back for the next season of this thing. Why isn't it just called Sex and the City? Why has it got some new name? I think because she's not in it. I think because they were like... That's so weird. They've left themselves open to be sort of like,

yeah, but it's not really Sex and the City if it doesn't have her in it. Right. So it's like, well, you can't say that now. I wonder if she'd have and the City if it doesn't have her in it. Right. So it's like, well, you can't say that now. I wonder if she'd have to get money if it was the same thing or something. Maybe. I don't know.

It could be a big chance. Because most stars, if a show goes on long enough, they end up, they're not just, they're like, you know, they get a producer credit which is like more sweet bunts.

Yeah. So maybe it's tied to something like that. Yeah. Maybe. But it does seem, I don't know, it does seem weird. They should, you know what I think. Because on like Binge,. Maybe. But it does seem, I don't know, it does seem weird. They should,

you know what I think. Because on like, Binge, which it's going to be on, it's got like a banner up the top now, for Sex and the City, just as a catch up. And then it's like,

new episodes starting December 8th. No, they're not. Not new episodes. Sorry, it's a whole new show. Ah, ah,

ah. Yeah, you can't have your cake and eat it too. Um, yeah, I, anyway. Yeah, anyway, in conclusion, I strongly believe that the next Wonder Woman should be a man. Right. I think that would be the logical next step forward. Wonder Man.

Wonder Man. In his invisible plane. Yeah, still wearing the bikini or whatever the fuck's going on. Yep, got the lasso. Yep, yep. I think that'd be great. Thanks. Thank you, Fiona.

Thanks, Fi. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Matt Beagley. Oh, okay. Or Beagley. B-E-A-G-L-E-Y. Oh, okay. Beagley? I thought it was Bagley.

No. As in sort of a bit of a bagel. No bagel-esque. Not a 100% bagel. No. Shades of bagel. This is more like a little bit of a bagel. No bagel-esque. Not a 100% bagel. No. Shades of bagel. This is more like a little bit of a bagel. Okay.

The dog. I love a bagel. Yeah. Cute dog. Big floppy ears. Big floppy ears. Lots of personality. Yeah.

I really wanted one when I was a little kid and was overruled because apparently they are very difficult to keep on premises oh they love escaping okay yeah oh my friend had a uh you're right had a beagle and loved to escape but having said that they just tied it up a hundred percent of his life so i was like i'm with you beagle get the fuck out of here yeah yeah it's not getting any i mean most of them are trying to get out of the premises and they don't even know how good they've got it yeah well this guy didn't have it too good they've got it. Yeah. Well, this guy didn't have it too good, so I didn't blame him.

I thought it was just common sense from this bagel. Beagle. Bagel. My friend had a bagel that he just chained up all day and all night. Nibbled on. Seemed pretty unfair to me. Yep, yep. This guy, this guy's a one... He wants to get out a little bit Because he's Beagle-y

Beagle-y He doesn't mind some times at home But then, you know I doubt he'd be Gotta stretch his legs Yeah Gotta get out at night Yeah

Gotta Fair's fair Get on the tear Yeah Well, I don't know Do dogs want to get out at night? I don't know Cats do

Yeah, not so much I think they're just happy Dogs will take whatever they can get. Whatever they can get. Yeah, not fussy. If the park's on the agenda, they're fucking wrapped. If you got the dog up in the middle of the night and said walk time, it wouldn't object, would it?

No. No. They're not like, it's the night time. Dogs never go, fuck off, I'm sleeping. They go, all right. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah.

Yeah. No, they're into it. Yeah. Cats are, cats are, yeah, I'd love a dog again, but I've got a cat and it's pretty, pretty average. You don't think they'd get on? No, it's just the cat's not heaps of fun. Cat's like got a, sleeps all day and then is up all night, but we don't let it out because

like, you know, it's not good. Yeah. You don't want the cat. It won't come back. Yeah. All that sort of stuff. Getting fights with other cats, blah, blah, blah. So you just go, I'm just saying You don't want the cat. It won't come back. Yeah, all that sort of stuff. Getting fights with other cats, blah, blah, blah. So you just go...

I'm just saying to the cat during the day, can you fucking just get up and stop wasting your life? Can you switch around your sleep pattern? Yes. Yeah. Because I'm literally putting you away in the laundry at night so you don't come and fucking wake me up. It's just common sense.

Like I've given you all this time, just switch it. Just switch it because you must be just wide awake in the fucking laundry, just looking around going, all right, well, I guess... I think it's like jet lag. You need to commit to just a night where you stay up and you play with the cat all night. Wait, no, that's not going to work, because it's up all night anyway. I was doing that for a while with this cat.

When we were trying to figure out how to make the cat sleep at night, because this is a cat that will not leave you alone at night. It just gets bored within an hour and goes, all right, everyone time to get up. Gets up, whacks you in the face with its paw. Yep. Goes, get up. So I was trying to make my cat exercise.

I was trying to chase the cat around at night and wear it down. Yep. And then I've just got to a stage where it's like fucking Hannibal Lecter at the moment. Yeah. It's locked up in a tent. It's ripped every part of the tent open and I've tied it all back together. I've got elastic bands keeping this tent together. Yeah.

Keeping the zip together. I've got a triple, three elastic bands on it, triple tied. Then I've got it in the laundry. Then I've got a laundry basket in between it and the door because otherwise it pushes the tent onto the door and then knocks on the door and wakes us up. So it's like, it's fucking, yeah. There's several, there's so many security measures I've got to get to be able to have a half a night's sleep.

Yeah. It's fucking crazy. And then you've got, you're doing the same thing with the baby. Yeah. No, I can't. No, actually, the baby gets out of its cot now as well. So it's like. It's all happening.

There's a double attack on my night's sleep every night at the moment. Yeah. It's fucking. All creatures great and small coming for you. And then someone else in my bed snoring next to me. It's fucking absolutely marvellous.

It's all happening. Yeah. It is all happening. But Matt... Someone's... Someone's in your house, Tommy. I can hear someone. Not anymore.

Slamming the door. Someone just walked out. That's what you heard. Not anymore. Yeah. Someone just heard a bit of dog talk and went went fuck this That door

One of these Great things about these old houses Those doors where you have to like Fully fucking slam them to get them to shut I'm sure people can People Anyone who's lived around the Northern areas of Melbourne can relate

Those fucking rickety old houses But it is fucked How old's this house? I mean, based on... I can only relate it to myself and how long I've lived here. So at least four months. Right. Okay.

I mean, I don't know. It may have been built right before we moved in. I don't know. You can confirm they haven't built it since you've moved in. No, but that's as far as I can go. Right, okay. Even giving it up to five months, I wouldn't want to speculate to that extent.

It does look a little bit... I was going to say, it doesn't look late 2021. That's for sure. I'm with you. It doesn't... Yeah, it doesn't look early 2021. I'll put it out there. Okay.

I think it's older than a year old. Okay. Yeah, but I mean, I wouldn't want to be... I wouldn't want to speculate. Yeah. I wouldn't feel comfortable shooting from the hip like that. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. And I have no evidence to back that up.

I don't want you to feel uncomfortable about something like this. Put you at ease. Being on the record. Thanks, Matt Bagley. Thanks, Bagels. Thanks, Bagels. Don't run away. Stay on our Patreon subscriber list.

All right. We've probably got five or so minutes until our guests get here for the main episode. I'm feeling nice and rooted just in time to do the main guts of the episode. Me too. All right. Well, let's just do one more. All right. Let's just hit the big button.

The big honker. The big UTA button that reads out the last name. Okay. Look, I feel like I don't let you weigh in with this sort of stuff. I'm probably being rude. What do you think? Have you any guesses as to who the last person is this week? Any guesses?

Yeah, like it's a funny guessing game. You know when sometimes you play that game when you're young and your parents say to you, guess the name of a person in the world. Yeah. Yeah, you know that game. I'm sort of doing a version of that now. Where I'm saying guess the name of a person who subscribes to this podcast.

Okay. Who subscribes to our Patreon. Right. Yeah. And then what you'll tell me if I'm right or wrong. Sort of like I spy. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Bagel comedy. Sure. Okay. Thanks for listening everyone. See you next week.