The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 586 - Peter Helliar & Nina Oyama

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

This week we've got a jam-packed show with PETER HELLIAR and NINA OYAMA! Pete's had COVID, Nina's spewed in LA and had a whirlwind relationship, and we follow up on last week's trip to Heathcote by launching our own version of a true crime podcast. PLUS Tommy's been working over-time to get a skerrick of detail from his dad about the time he met Ringo and The Beatles. It's a bumper episode AND we also have our first-ever LIVE Talkin' Dum Dum at the end, with guest MIKE GOLDSTEIN! Chandler's heard a ripper new Maryborough story, Tommy's trying to offload some tickets, and we browse a Patreon subscribers Facebook page on the big screen. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a great new episode with guests Peter Hellyer and Nina Oyama. That's right, and then Tommy, we have a bonus little thing at the end. We have the first ever time we've done a live Talking Dum Dum off the back of it. It's two episodes in one, Tommy, and it's a lot of bang for your zero bucks. Yes, great fun. Thank you to everyone who came down to that, but you'll hear it live at the end of this main episode. If you want to come and see The Little Dum Dum Club live, you can do so January the 15th in Melbourne. We've got the big 500th episode,

couple of tickets left but close to selling out. That's right, Tommy. And then after that, we are doing a big after party at 10.30, 11 o'clock, something like that, up at the European Beer Cafe. Heaps of hijinks, some drinks, some partying, some live music. It's going to be heaps of fun.

So come to the big show and then come and kick on afterwards. Yes, and then a couple of weeks after that, January 29th, we are in Brisbane. We've got two shows there. They're both sold out, but just a reminder, they're rescheduled dates. They are happening January the 29th. We've got the live podcast.

And then across the street, we've got the second ever live installment of Talkin' Dum Dum. That's right. And then we're heading back to our home base of Adelaide, Tommy, on the 26th of February at the Rhino Room, 3.30pm. Tickets going as you'd expect. Yep. And then March the 5th, another rescheduled date, Perth.

We are at the Rosemount Hotel. Great guests coming over for that. Few tickets left for that. That is on March the 5th. And then... And then we're coming all the way to our second home of Melbourne in February, every Saturday afternoon, 4.30pm for the month of April. We're doing live podcasts with big-name guests

just because some of them happen to be in town. There's some sort of arts festival happening at the same time. Absolute coincidence, but why not take advantage of it, Tommy? Mm-hmm, yep. That's all going to be heaps of fun. LittleDunlunClub.com for your tickets to that. But, yeah, until then, enjoy this great new episode with Peter Hellier and Nina Oyama and then a great live edition of Talking Dumb Dumb.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Good day, Dickhead. Joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club,

Nina Oyama and Pete Hellyer. Hello. Yes. Woo-hoo. Wow. Our first ever COVID patient. And thank you for wearing the hazmat suits, guys. I really appreciate it.

We all wear them when we come in Tommy's house. I'm actually not wearing a hazmat suit because I don't believe COVID is real. I'm unvaxxed, guys. I read your own infographics from Instagram last year and you went, you know what, this sounds like bullshit. I was like, they're so badly designed, I can't trust this. And all of your friends have been in touch with me

to be honest. They've all let me know all the research they've done. We were debating for a long time who was the first comedian that we knew that was going to get it. Well, look,

you're with the biggest management company in the country so of course you guys are going to get it first before us. We're unmanaged so, you know.

Yet another thing you guys get. A little back channel deal with. We're unmanaged, so, you know. Yet another thing you guys get. A little back-channel deal with the virus. And as a straight white man, I needed something. And the thing I got, everyone's going to get eventually, so I've got a very small window to make this work. Wait, when did you get COVID? I missed this.

So I got COVID about literally hours ago, Nina. You are safe. I saw you on your phone a bit when you were out the front. This is good. I need a reason not to go to family Christmas. Thank you, Pete, for this out. COVID, that's the one thing we're going to miss about COVID, this getting out of stuff by saying, oh, I'm a close contact.

I don't need to wait for the result. Or just even a bit of a throat tickle, just like, oh, yeah. There's someone in my house working from home at the moment because they couldn't be fucked going into the office and used a bit of like, yeah, I've got to get a test. Oh, yeah. I was at circuit on Friday night with my boyfriend. I was on the rubber heel.

Is this person you? Are you trying to get out of five minutes at Spleen on Monday? No, I was pushing to do this ep on Zoom. I didn't want you guys in my house. Oh, man. Imagine being outed by having to come in a coat. If you're closeted and then you're like, sorry, I can't come in.

And they're like, oh, the circuit. It has to have happened, right? It's so fucked up. It's a gay bar in Melbourne. Yeah, yeah. The big super spreader thing they're saying. They would have thought, I thought it was a circuit from the 90s

where they used to give you illusion shakers. That's the circuit I thought I was going to. Also, if you thought it was that, you should stay home as well. I thought it was a clothing store.

I thought all those nude men were mannequins. I don't know. I thought I was David Jones. Oh, man. You know, when I was in LA,

there was a thing, they were calling it the gay flu, like colloquially. So it was after everyone got vaxxed, they went out partying and everyone got really sick sick but like normal sick like a normal flu and when i went to la i went out partying at a gay club and immediately got the gay flu came home to my housemates who are all gay men and i was like yeah it's fucked up

i got the gay flu the gay flu this the gay flu that and they all looked at me and they're like do you know what the gay flu is now i was like like, no. And they go, it's AIDS. Went a bit hard last night. And I was like, I didn't know that. And also, how did you get that from gay men in a nightclub? I share needles, usually. So you go to LA, you go to America, hotspot of COVID at the moment.

Yeah. Apart from helliest place. I know, you managed to not get it. Looking at the railings on public transport just wasn't doing it for me. I was like, I've got to risk it. There must be people out there that are like, I need to go to the most fucking extreme place where it's really kicking off just to feel something. Well, I've got a friend who's gone to London for a week,

just pre-Christmas, and I don't know why they've decided to do that. They've gone to see some Liverpool games. I'm not going to say who it is.

I'm not going to say who it is. Friend of the show. Friend of the show. May or may not be a friend of the show. Is it the co-host of the podcast?

Because I am noticing he's on a laptop. We're looking at him on a laptop screen right now. This does make a lot of sense. I have got a suitcase here with wheels on it.

So he's hoping to go watch those games and then be back in time for Christmas here. He or she. He or she. Or they. Or they. Or she, they. Or he, they. Or they, she or he.

Or they. Or hey, hey. Hey, hey, it's Saturday. Or Daryl Summers. My pronouns are hey, hey. Let's just say it's Daryl Summers. Covers everything. I mean, you make fun of him for that,

but I went to LA to see a music concert because I had tickets and I didn't want to sell them. So I just went to LA. You went just to do that? Yeah, just for a concert. I mean, I did all the stuff while I was over there, but that was primarily... That is a great...

Because all your stuff on Instagram, everyone's going, wow, Nina's killing it. She must be in LA doing meetings and stuff. It's like, no, just fucking around. She's over there to see Hello Doy yeah and getting the gay fever um no the gay flu sorry what did i say i saw julian baker oh nice so like real sad lesbian hours it was it was fantastic and also i went over there with a girl i'd been dating for seven days i dated for seven days and i was like do you want to come to la with me and she was like okay and then we both went to la yeah and

then on the first night there, I got really drunk and I asked her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. And then two days later, she was like, oh, I don't know if I want to be your girlfriend anymore. It's a lot of commitment. I mean, sure, I'm here in LA. We asked to meet you seven days ago.

And also being on a 16-hour flight next to each other and then being like after that flight, do you want to go steady? What do you think? Did she say this immediately after you said, I have the have the gay flu no i think we both got the gay flu but the thing is like i had was meeting with my so i'm working on an american show like that okay it was another reason but like i got to meet my showrunners and i texted them that night being like i have a girlfriend now like you know just really excited because i was quite drunk and they

then like the next the day and it was like two days after she was like oh i don't want to be girlfriends anymore we had a dinner and i had to explain to my bosses that i had that we were no longer girlfriends and then we were like but you we're still dating we're still dating but like we won't be called girlfriends oh right and they were just like you're fucked and then we went and saw julian baker who's like a tiny lesbian musician who sings about being depressed and i was like this is the gayest shit ever, you're fucked. And then we went and saw Julian Baker, who's like a tiny lesbian musician who sings about being depressed. And I was like, this is the gayest shit ever. That's good.

You're right in the zone for it. Yeah, just like you hauled LA to watch a lesbian musician with my ex-girlfriend of 24 hours. This is the most heavy jet lag I've ever heard of. You're like in and out of a relationship, still adjusting to the time zone. Yeah, truly. I went and saw Bond by myself at Northland. What's Bond?

Like the violin orchestra? I was like, that sounds like you. So have you been able to, did you, was there a reason given those hours where you were a girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, was there a reason? And feel free, this is too personal to not answer this, but was there a reason given? Can you backtrack and go, oh, she saw me eating nachos or something? Wow, how ugly do you think I look when I'm eating nachos? How did you get into business class and then five minutes later,

no, actually you can go back to the back of the point. It's just my skills. No, ew, no, Chris. But I think it was just like we went out and we got super drunk and then we were like really hungover. And it was the kind of hungover that's like a two-day hangover. And I think towards the end of the hangover, it was like the magic fairy dust of the previous night had like worn off.

Okay, right. And she was like – then she'd be like, oh, yeah, I don't know. So the night before you asked if you were going steady? No, it was like – it was actually – I'll tell like the full story. So it was like we landed, we immediately went out and got smashed and that's when i asked her to be my girlfriend she said yes and then the next morning like we were so drunk there was just like vomit all around our little hotel like i couldn't find any of my clothes from the night before and then i went outside and my pants were hanging over the railing and there was a frying pan filled with vomit

yeah like it was like you You were cooking up vomit? Yeah. We were hungry. What are you going to do? There's nothing open at 2am. It's either burgers or something healthier. Yeah, true, true. But I hate it when they don't clean the rooms before you get there.

I mean that's – Yeah, it was in the halfway house. Oh, no, we didn't say that on the podcast. It's a callback to a conversation before. Anyway, but like – So I was like so hung, and I also had a meeting with my showrunners at 9.30 that morning, and it was 9 a.m., and I had to get halfway across town, so I was texting them. I was like, I'm going to be late, and I get in the Uber,

and as soon as the Uber starts moving, I vomited all down my shirt. I couldn't stop vomiting. I vomited. It was like water vomit, though. I was like, okay. I think that's why I was really sick because I hadn't eaten, but I just couldn't stop vomiting vomiting i was vomiting in my handbag and then whenever the uber would stop i'd like open the door and then like throw the water out

of the handbag like a bucket just like draining myself like a dam it was horrible like you're a ship and you're sinking yeah exactly i'm just like get the water it's like all down my shirt and then when i got to the meeting i was like super late and there was like this little tree near the restaurant behind the tree i just like vomited even more and i brought this little makeup bag with me and it had some like lalabo perfume in and i just like sprayed it all i was like holy water like cleansing myself of sin i love if the end of this is the show that you're writing on is like paw patrol or something it's like some like super wholesome family jay i got a girlfriend.

She got flown to LA to write for Paw Patrol. Yeah. Wait, what's Paw Patrol? It's a little kid's show. Oh, okay. Sorry. A little kid's cartoon. I'm an adult.

I don't know if you know that. It's my favorite show. I'm going to appreciate you thinking that I'm like a six-year-old. Thank you. The skincare routine is working, but no. I don't know.

I thought you were in the age demographic. I am writing on a cartoon. Okay. Yeah, exactly. But it's an adult cartoon. Paw Patrol. Yeah. No, it's an adult cartoon that is so... Like, cartoon okay yeah but it's an adult cartoon yeah it's no it's

an adult cartoon that is so like i like it's an it's like australian version of rick and morty that's kind of how i pitch it's the same ep like justin roiland and i can't really talk about it yeah yeah but um it's rick and maca yeah r on, Morty, we've got to go back in time. Yeah. But one of the scripts, this is how filthy the show is, and I don't know if this is my fault, but one of the scripts. Have you finished the vomit stories? Oh, no, I haven't, but I just want to tonally set up the show

is that one of the scripts, Disney looked at it and they were like, sorry, but there's too much cum in this script. You have to do a writer's room. How much cum can you have in a Disney? Did they mean written or just like physically on the pieces of paper that they did? Was that your vomit on the script? Yeah, they like shine a blue light on all the hard scripts they get and they're like, sorry, but someone splooged.

You've got to like your own work, but this is a big job. It's like a lot of Star Wars fans don't like Disney being involved because there's much less cum in the latest three films. Sorry. Anyway, so I get to this restaurant. I vomit more and then I spray myself with perfume and then I had a jumper that also didn't end up in the firing line so I put that on.

It was clean. And then I went out to see my showrunners and I was like, hey, guys, how's it going? And I couldn't walk, just stumbling all over the shop and they were just like, we can't believe you're here. And I was like, yeah, because I came from Australia. And they were like, no, because you sent us the most insane voice memos at 4am this morning.

This is so good. And then they play the voice memos and it's like me being like, Nan and Benji and love you so much. And this is the first time you're meeting these people, IRL. It's the first time I've met them in real life. So you've spoken to them, though, so there is some kind of... Yeah, they know who I am. Maybe I did pitch a few jokes about cum.

Like, you know, they kind of know what kind of person I am, but still, like, the first impression. And then we're in this restaurant and they play all the voice message. Yeah, and I'm just sitting there like, no. But you still have a girlfriend at this point? I still had a girlfriend at that point. Half the voice messages were me being like, you've got to meet my girlfriend, Gemma. I love

her. She's the love of my life, who I dated for seven days. Fuck. Anyway. This all seems way more hardcore than your COVID, to be honest with you. You may have had COVID, by the sounds of it. Yeah, I feel like we deviated from that pretty quickly.

Oh, yeah, sorry. Pete, that's your own fault for not being young and gay. I'm sorry. I've still got time. It was a good deviation. Yeah, so I had COVID about a month ago. Yeah. Is the answer.

You came out. I came out, yeah. It felt good to come out. It felt good to come out. a month ago. Yeah. So you, you, you, you, you, you, I came out. Yeah. It felt good to come out. It felt good to come out. A month ago. And is COVID now your girlfriend? But you,

it was very funny because we were all wondering who was going to be the first person to get it. And then McGinley came out and said he had it, but then he'd only just got it. So he jumped the gun and was like, Oh, I've got it. Everyone. I've got it.

Everyone. And then you come out the next day and he's like, yeah, I sort of had it for two weeks. It's like, fuck you, McGinley, you weren't first. Yeah, I was doing that material before you were doing it, Danny. Yeah, McGinley was doing daily diaries, and then you just did a post where it's like, I'm out tomorrow, so I've had it, I've just been keeping it to myself.

Oh, my God, you COVID-cucked McGinley. I cut his COVID lunch, yeah. Well, I wanted to, knowing that more people were getting it, I wanted to in all seriousness kind of say, hey, it's okay if you get it. And, you know, I'm double vaxxed and I was fine. It was like a mild cold. And yay for science. That's all I really wanted to say.

But I wanted to wait until the end because I didn't want to go on day two, hey, guys, I got COVID. It's totally fine. And then be nice to you on ventilators. Bit of an update, guys. I'm dying. Great. Well, you wanted to experience the fall of COVID before you endorsed it.

Yeah, absolutely. Like I've done with Fernwood Women's Gyms and Legos past the source and HelloFresh. And that was all within those two-week periods. That was a bit of SponCon that you were doing for COVID. Yes, well, a lot of people have accused me of being paid by Pfizer in my talk of vaccines. Really?

How much did they give you? If anyone's listening from Pfizer, happy to take some Pfizer money. I'm probably out of their demographic. I'm probably more of an AZ guy now. I'm an AZ guy. Do you know in America, you can't tell anyone you've got the AstraZeneca

because they are like, that doesn't work. Well, it's for a while. I'm not sure if it's changed, but I know when Springsteen was doing Broadway shows. Fuck, of course you know when Springsteen was doing Broadway shows fuck of course you know when Springsteen was doing a fucking

Broadway show but he was no but the reason I know is because yeah the boss on Broadway because I flew there just for that and came back

and I vomited on my shirt on the way out yeah you like heard the summer of 69 and you were like yeah I was a teenager then that was good that is Brian Adams

yeah I'll take umbrage with that one. Come on, man. Come on. Does a boss not sing Summer of 69? No, it's Brian Adams. They're all the same. Yeah, not a million miles away, I guess.

No, you're absolutely right. But Springsteen had, it was the first I'd heard about it, where you had to be vaccinated to get into his show. But if you had AstraZeneca, that didn't count. So you had to show, and this was a few months ago, so I think it's changed. And that's brutal for the people coming from Australia. Yeah.

That demo that got AstraZeneca. We were basically told this is all that's there for you. It's his audience. Yeah. It's like the people that can't get back into the country because we only allow certain vaccines. Like you can travel freely to Australia. There's like Australians stuck in Russia

because they had the fucking Sputnik vaccine and they won't get let in because Australia doesn't recognise it. It's like, yeah, but I mean you're in Russia. Don't beat yourself up. I don't think you really had a choice. They're stuck up in the satellite with their dogs still. Yeah, they can't get back into Australia. So, yeah, so you're all fine now.

Did you, because this is my question, you're big enough that when you posted that, did you sniff out any anti-vax followers that were kicking off in the comments? It's like a lot of things, you put something out and generally there's a good fun reaction, even if it's jokes, like a fun reaction, people liking what you said. And in this case, lots of people saying thanks.

I'm glad. I was worried about getting it. Now I feel less scared. And lovely stuff. We were wondering where you were the last two weeks. And yeah, yay for science. That's good to hear. That's the initial wave.

That's not the first wave of people. Yeah. And then what happens often is you get that second wave, which is where the other group, that little 5% group, have heard about it. The Delta group. The Delta Goodrum fans. And they kind of start, it's almost like they're communicating with each other and they're the kind of people who live their life in capitals and they want to know that they've done their own research

and that it's 5G going into us. They're off the dirt bike for the day. They're off the dirt bike and they've scrolled on Facebook over their last three dumps so they know what's going on. And some people, in all honesty, are just putting their my body, my choice and that's fine but that goes two ways. Obviously, my body, I've made all the right choices, as you can see. But yeah, so then that kind of starts happening.

It's 5G, it's you being paid by Pfizer, it's your immune system is all you need. And you're like, I want to lower that curve. Well, the immune system is all you need is a weird one because everyone who's ever died of a virus has had an immune system is all you need. And you're like, I want to lower that curve. Well, the immune system is all you need is a weird one because everyone who's ever died of a virus has had an immune system. Right.

And if the immune system is so bulletproof, then this pandemic doesn't fucking kick off. Yeah, then nothing exists. Nothing exists. No illnesses exist at all. Well, the virus goes

into patient zero and then fucking it's Bruce Lee's the fucker. So after getting all those messages, how is Hughsey? Yeah, Hughsey. Well, Hughsey rang me and said,

mate, I'm pissed off that you were the first to get COVID. Of course. He was the one. Of course. He wanted to be Captain COVID. I went to LA to see Julian Baker and I couldn't even get it. Meet my girlfriend. She's a dicky lesbian.

But no, Hughsy. Lesbian Hughsy. That's my new character. It's no, Husey. Lesbian Husey. That's my new character. It's good. Gotta go to Bunnings. Gonna adopt a greyhound. Got my dirkin' stocks on. Very comfy.

I'm getting lessee. Well, yeah, glad you're better. I'm better.see well yeah glad you're better I'm better it was fine and now I feel kind of bulletproof as we're heading to I'm told

I asked actually Mary Louise McLaurs who's we talk to a lot she advises the WHO off air I asked her on the project

when do I actually kind of when do I how long do I wait until I get the booster now? Because they don't really tell you anything. When you, you kind of, they let you know when you're allowed to leave the house.

Yep. But it's because they're dealing with so much. So they just, you know, there's no conversation. It's not, okay, well, this is what you need to do now. And this is what it means for you. But I asked her, how long should I wait until I get the booster? Because I've got all these antibodies in me now.

And she said, six months in America. They're saying six months in America. Wait. But she's saying, she said to me, do three months. Okay. So, apparently it's wonderful. Because the information's not really out there. Yeah, bro.

Australians are built different, eh? Yeah. Fucking cut it down to three months. Skull and ice break. You'll be right. Yeah, put it in ice cream Put the vaccine in ice cream A summer

Three months Now put it in a VB mate I'm waiting for the Zupa dupa Vaccine I do love the concept Of like Those anti-vaxxers

You know The world they think They live in Where it's like The different vaccine companies Are just like Are just like Kind of

You know Getting talent Like paying off talent to like be their reps. It's like it's so funny. And the amount of money they would have. Right. Peter Heller is the one they go to. He's not fucking Hugh Jackman. But if it was probably just the idea that people like AstraZeneca,

yeah, it's all white men promoting it, you know, they should be trying a little harder, honestly. But also such a funny world to imagine living in. Also getting papped like on the street injecting like AZ into you and it's like,

fuck, he's a Pfizer man. We can bring that back to his sponsors. He's in so much trouble. Well, like sports teams, you know, have an AFL team that's just got the Pfizer logo

on the back of their jersey. It'd be fucking great. Well, so I've just found out, literally last night I found out I've got a friend that... Congratulations. Yeah. Well, so I've just found out, literally last night I found out, I've got a friend that… Congratulations. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Well done, mate.

Yeah, thank you. We've been hanging out for a couple of days. He jumped the gun and said, do you want to be my friend? Hang on. I've just got a text. We're not friends anymore. All right. All right.

I saw him spew all over myself and went, actually. So I found out that a friend of a friend told me that friend has had COVID, like as in the last couple of weeks, didn't tell anyone. So now all these people that know him have got it and then are so pissed off. So it wasn't isolating or anything?

No, no. And knew he had it, but was just like, oh. Yeah, so all these other people have got it because of him, right? Right. And then I'm like, no. And knew he had it, but was just like, oh. Yeah, so all these other people got it because of him, right? Right. And then I'm like, fuck. And then I realized, like, in his peak period of having it, like two weeks ago, whenever it was,

we were supposed to catch up. We were supposed to go out together and go to the soccer together. And he hadn't said anything or anything like that. And I called it off because the night before, I went out with Milan, our friend of the show Milan, and got absolutely fucked off my head thanks to Milan. And so then I pulled out of meeting him the next day, this friend the next day.

So Milan. Milan does it again. Saved you from COVID. Milan is the vaccine. Stopped you from getting COVID. Yeah. Wow. Milan's the Sputnik vaccine.

He fucks a lot of people up, but he saves a lot of lives as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Milan's the Sputnik vaccine. He fucks a lot of people up and he saves a lot of lives as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck. Thank fuck for that. Yeah. But pretty rotten work. Fucking ordinary.

Yeah. He's very interesting. So that was recently? Yes. So he's... A week and a half, two weeks ago. Okay. So he's out.

He's fine. He's fine now? He's over it? I don't know, apparently But I mean, how Because he's not living his life any different Even when he has No, no, no

Actually, he must be fine Because I know that the people he got Are just getting out of isolation now Fuck, that is a nightmare Is that I saw Gab Rossi last week He didn't mention it Nah

A good friend Yeah, that Is that like That's like We're done as friends, I think. Because you can't be mad at people. The person that you got it from. I'm mad at you. No, no, but yeah.

Let alone these other people. Yeah, but in general, it's like you think about like if you had it and you'd given it to someone, but you didn't know, you'd feel guilty. But it's like there's nothing you can do about it if you've been living your life in a safe, sensible way. But that thing is like, I've got it and I'm just going to keep going to parties. Not only that. How did they know that he knew?

Well, here's the thing. I'm not even 100% sure of that part of the story because from what I believe, the other friends that got it have basically contact traced back to him. It's not like he's put his hand up at any stage and gone. Right. They've all figured it out. They did like a Venn diagram.

Yeah. Oh, fuck. Right. So he might not have even fessed up to it yet. I'm not sure, but I'll find out. Okay. Does he exist in the comedy world? He doesn't.

No. Good. No. Yeah. Did he go? Yeah, Peter's like, I'm the only comedian that's had COVID. I can't have all these other comedians that have had COVID. I'm pissed off we're having McGinley in the club.

I don't want a third year. This is like a modern The Grinch, like just hating Christmas and just getting COVID and going around and spreading it. So no one can have Christmas. Everyone in isolation on the 25th. Speaking of Milan, so this is what we did on the weekend. Last week we did a, we've been talking about it on the show for a while.

We did a gig in the country. We were sort of thinking we haven't done a live show for six months due to lockdowns, all that sort of stuff. We kind of – we planned it a while back so we didn't think we'd be able to do a city gig or whatever. So we took it out to the country, went to the town of Heathcote, a little under 3,000 people. Beautiful. We dragged a bunch of people out there into what I thought was the worst looking pub in Victoria.

That's why we picked it. They must have been stoked. Yeah. Well, kept that quiet until we drank all their beer and then they couldn't give a fuck what we thought of it. So we went out there. We did a thing called the Milan Party Bus where we got a bunch of, if people wanted to, they'd buy a ticket to get on the bus.

All a great idea with all this COVID floating around, but anyway. Very good idea. We get to regional Victoria. Yeah. A good idea in lockdown where you're like, oh, how good's it going to be to do this and this? And you've lost sight of what the real world is truly like. Yeah.

Yeah. So then we got a bunch of listeners, got on the bus and we went up there and it was the Milan Party Bus. so you know Milan. Yeah, yeah. So, you know, he's a big party man of comedy. So everyone was like, oh, we're going to get on the bus with Milan. This is going to be great. And, you know, like you said, Tommy, in hindsight, I was like, oh, this will all be fun.

And then you realise that what you're actively doing is getting a bunch of your listeners on a bus, getting them absolutely fucked up for hours, and then doing a show in front of them and expecting it to go well. Yeah, and they're making up like they're a third of the overall audience. Because there are other people in the show who hadn't been on the bus. Yes, yes. So you end up, people can, yeah, people have heard it by now. Last week's episode, it's half the room is just,

literally there's a guy who broke three separate chairs over the course of the show. And then other people sitting there going like, yeah, I mean, I took my whole Saturday and drove up for this. I wouldn't mind an actual comedy show happening at some point instead of screaming in chaos. Having said that, there was about like a third of them that were on our bus, so they were all sideways. We get up there and we go, oh, you know what?

In a good way, yes, there is two thirds of normal people to play to and then realise, oh, they've all got up really early and got on the turps as well. Some of them were worse. Some of them were up at the crack of dawn and had been drinking in that town since midday, so before we had started. Yes, and we did get to a point where,

and this happens a lot with our shows, the publican did give up at one point and have to go to the IGA to get more grog. So we did run a beer out of alcohol again. So that's how well the show was going. Well, there was a point where he's like, you've drunk all the Melbourne bitter I have. And we're like, yeah.

And he's like, I had eight. What, like eight cans? Eight cans. Still drank all of it. Still counts. Yeah. So that, yeah, it was pretty rough and muddy, that episode. We had a lot of fun.

It was a great live show. I don't know. We still haven't, you know, we're starting to hear from people that heard it and were like, ah, it's pretty fun. It's a bit of a tough listen or whatever it is, but it was a great party at the very least. So on the way back, we then go, okay, that's heaps of fun, whatever. But on the way back, I was kind of thinking, oh, it'll be a party bus on the way back. This will be the real, like, be the real take the handbrake off

because I know it had been wild already. Also, the other mistake we sort of made was getting the guests on the same bus as us. So it was one thing to get the listeners pissed, but for all of our guests to finish the next day go, I don't remember doing the podcast. It's like, whoa, wow, okay. Again, it's like planning it in lockdown,

just forgotten everything about how life performance works, events, just all of it's gone out the window. Wait, did you release the podcast? Yeah. Oh, sick. I'm going to listen to it. I think you'd enjoy it. I still don't think it's up to your level,

but I think you'd enjoy it. But still don't think it's up to your level, but I think you'd enjoy it. But it does have one thing that happened. We'll link in with what you were talking about already because on the way back... Someone vomited in a fry pan. Spoilers. You'd never pick it otherwise. I'll just get it right.

We get on the bus and we go back and I kind of thought, oh, we'll kick off again. It's like, no, everyone was so fucked from drinking for 10 hours. Yeah, because we leave at like 8pm or something. So by that point it's been, yeah, like eight straight hours. Yes, exactly. We left at lunchtime, so this is 8 o'clock. And it's not just normal drinking, it's Milan drinking as well.

He's helping along. And so on the way back, it's pretty quiet on the way back. We get to – we've hired the bus, by the way. So this is our property. And you're driving the bus as well. No, we've got a listener driving the bus. You have a listener driving the bus? Yeah. He's a bus driver, to be fair.

Oh, okay, cool. Because he needed a special license for it. So we put the call out That's so funny We found a guy Yeah it was very nice of him So we got back And the bus is fucking trashed

And we're like Oh fuck this is our bus This is fuck We're going to have to fucking deal with this Because you know You put a deposit down What did you put down as a deposit? 500 bucks

Oh okay Yeah Plus Yeah So anyway we get back It's 10.30 at night We're in the middle of Footscray In the middle of nowhere, in the industrial state.

We're just looking at the bus going, this is fucked. This is no good. And the people start to get off the bus. And someone turns around and sees the seat behind me and someone's left their phone. And someone goes, oh, someone left their phone. And we go, oh, fuck.

What are we going to do there? And then we realize the phone is in a puddle of vomit. Like, oh, no oh and then someone gets back on the bus and goes oh my phone goes to grab the phone i'm like i think you're forgetting something else uh you can take that with you as well it's a puddle of bug and vomit and he goes no not me i'm like it is it is so it's one of those buses you know like it's a there's a two two seats on one aisle and one seat on the other aisle. Single seat.

So he's the only person that could possibly have done it. No, not mine. I go, I'm going to have to insist. That is absolutely your vomit. Unless the person in the seat behind you leant over and vomited down your back, in which case you'd be making a scene on the bus while that was happening.

You've kept that very quiet. Yeah, there's silent vomits and there's silent vomits like you can't do that on someone else and hope two people are silent yeah so the big puddle of vomit there and i said man i'm insisting that's that's fucking yours and he goes he goes no i reckon it was someone else's and then literally ran off the bus and into the night it was so fun because it's like yeah back street middle of the night keeping a straight face no it wasn't me yeah, backstreet, middle of the night, keeping a straight face. No, it wasn't me. And then as soon as his feet touched the pavement,

he is out of there like a bat out of hell. It's like, oh, yeah, that's the actions of an innocent man. Yeah. Sprinting into the night. Well, the actions of a man who's like a litre lighter than he was. Yeah, exactly. He's emptied his guts. And you know as well, like in his brain, he was like,

they're going to fucking chase. Like, you know that guy ran all the way home. You know when you're drunk and you think you're in trouble and you're just like, I'm going to keep going. I've got to keep going because they're going to catch me. Went into an op shop bin and changed his clothes so he couldn't find it. There is a whole genre, I think, in mystery spew.

Like when somebody has vomited and you wake up the morning after and the accusations are flying around, it's like true spute. Yeah, true spute. Somebody do a true spute podcast. Yeah. So that's the thing. So then we're going, all right, well, we're going to hear on socials. We're going to hear via email.

So that happens and then we take the bus back and then it was so messy that we had to then, we had to get up and go back to the- We had to fumigate the bus the next day. Yeah, we had to go back to the high place the next morning with like cleaning fluid stuff and like- Absolute opposite of what we want to do after a big day on the tiles is we get up first thing and drive to Footscray independently.

Yeah. And clean a bus. Yes. So we're fuming. Like we're thinking like- You're fuming and you're fumigating. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

I get up in the morning. I'm like getting in the car to like drive to Footscray to clean out this vomit bus. And I'm like refreshing the socials and I'm like checking our email thinking like you'd hope that this person has woken up the next morning and gone, oh, my God, I really made a count of myself. I got to, you know, sorry, boys. Let me know if you don't get the deposit back. I'll, you know, I'll pay for some of it, you know, whatever. Just refreshing going, Instagram must be down or something. Because there's no DMs coming through.

We needed some of Pete's 5G. It's all in there. You should say that you got COVID on the bus and then you'd have to get someone's, and then you'd have a list of phone numbers or contacts. Yeah, well, see, that's the thing. So at the moment we're sort of – we've left it out. We haven't said anything.

It's nearly been a week. And there's been no contact from this gentleman. No contact at all. And so I think we've done the right thing. We've let him – It's like a Cinderella story, you know. Yeah, if the phone fits in the spew, that was yours. You like bottle the vomit or whatever and you're like, is this...

Well, you're noticing certain bits of food in the vomit and then you're going back through people's like, what did you buy for lunch? You had the palmer there for... This happened. One of our mystery spews is after Melbourne Cup Day, we woke up, there was a big spew in the bathroom and nobody had claimed it.

And we noticed there was some red like there's traces of red wine so they went back through like this is a week later when they you know same day there's no same day photos there's like you know

seven day photos so we got photos back and we're looking at photos looking at photos looking for who had any red wine oh yes oh wow

and did you track them down no still the mystery's still that's what Choose To Be Podcast is going to be all about but you narrowed you were able to narrow the field down to like. The mystery's still there. That's what True Spew podcast is going to be all about. But you were able to narrow the field down to like what, a handful of... Yeah, there were about three or four that, you know... Because red wine at the races isn't like a...

You know, there wouldn't be heaps of people on the wines. Yeah, it's more of a sparkling vibe. I will say though, once you're a certain level of drunk, you just drink anything, right? Yes. I feel like once you're like six drink, it doesn't matter who did what or drank what. You're like mixing stuff. We didn't dig too deep into this spew so we don't have all that evidence but but look it's a small bus like you know we we've been we've done the right thing we've let let it

you know given them the opportunity and amnesty sorry yeah exactly yeah the spew buyback scheme yes but now come forward there's been a great massacre on that bus Come forward But now we're at the point Where we're a week in And it's like Alright Are we taking this into our own hands Or are we putting the word out to listeners Are we offering a reward for information

That could lead A bounty You should do that thing that teachers do Where they're like You're all in trouble Unless the culprit The true criminal comes forward We cancel the podcast Unless the guy comes forward.

And you name every single person. That would have been great on the night if we had to lock the bus and go, we're not letting anyone out until the person who spewed owns up. And there's a guy who spewed all the way down his T-shirt. He's like, oh, well, I guess we'll never find out, guys. I don't know. He would have tried it on, I reckon. He would have tried it on.

Because by the time people hear this, it's a week and a half out from the incident happening. And I reckon this guy, he's sitting at home, he's thinking, I've absolutely gotten away with this. The perfect crime. Because we did the ep. We put the ep out last week. We didn't put a little thing on the end saying this. We thought we'd save it.

We thought we'd give him a bit more time. He's thinking, fuck, the perfect crime. He's the O.J. Simpson of drunks. He's looking for the real spewers out there. I would get in touch and say, I just want to ask one question. That question would be, why did you run?

Yeah. Oh, yes. That's all you need to ask. His running was like the white Bronco. Yeah, it was his Bronco. Yeah, there's like a drone shot of this pup running down the alleys of Footscray. The juice really was loose in that bus.

Yes. Hey, I cleaned up the juice. I had the juice in my hands. The consistency, I don't know if you'd quite call it juice. No, it was orange. The gin and juice. It was orange juice, but it wasn't orange juice. So anyone's got information leading to the the capture Of the Of OJ Spewer

The Spew Criminal Yeah We're putting a bounty out Right If you know Is there a reward Is there a reward For information

If you know this man Because we could Because we do We sold tickets on this bus So we do have The names of everyone A list of names Was on there

Yeah So we could kind of Narrow it down You should read out Every single name And afterwards we'll say Show Yeah

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah We'll just read the names And you and you tell us if you think they're guilty sounding names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, somebody must have seen something.

Yeah. That should be on the podcast. That's the opening on the podcast. It is. It's like those true crime things on Netflix where it's like, this happened in a fucking public area. How did nobody see anything? Nobody saw it.

Also, when he did the runner, there was like a spill on the chair, and then there was this guy did the runner. You know, because we saw him, but we're all pretty drunk, so I don't remember who. And we don't know who these people are on the bus. They're all like random people. Yeah. So then when he ran into the cold, dark night,

we then looked again and we're like, oh, there wasn't. Oh, yeah, look, I'll clean up that puddle. Oh, that's right. There's a complete half a fucking Palmer on the window. Like there was untuned food, projectile vomited on the window. That was just stuck there. It's not just a bit on the seat. It's all over the general area.

When you're vomiting chunks of Parma. Yes. He must have been really hungry. Shout out to the Union Hotel for the beautiful Parma they did have up there, by the way. Shout out to this guy for not chewing by the sound of it. Was it like Jonah and the whale? Yeah, yeah, it was still going bruck, bruck on the window.

It was still alive, the chicken. But yeah, I don't like it. Iuck on the window. Yeah, we're still alive as a chicken. But yeah, I don't like it. I think it really is going to be like Pete's saying. It's going to be one of those things where like in 30 years' time someone is like, I was on the street in Kilmore and I've just remembered. I remember seeing a bus going past me at the traffic lights and there was a lot of noise

and I saw this guy just kind of like leaning forward. It's going to be one of those things where it's like someone who wasn't even on the bus yeah just remember they come out of the woodwork in like 40 years time you know I should have done I should have kept the like half of palmer and then when we go to trial with this guy oh we find him DNA try and put him in his mouth he's like if it doesn't fit you you must acquit check the bite size check like check the bite size. Check the mouth size. Check his dental records. It's going to be like this guy on his deathbed in like 50 years time and he's going to turn to his grandkids and he's going to be like,

it was me. I spewed on the little dum-dum bus. And his kids are going to be like, I've got no idea what you're talking about, Grandpa. You're fucking too bitchy. He's like, call Tommy and Carl. And you're long gone by that

and then he vomits and chews on his own vomit it's a full circle it was meant to be or it'll be like there'll be a knock on our door and we open it

and there's just like a tub filled with vomit in there but in the vomit is like little bits of like alphabet soup that say like you'll never find it

oh yes yes I thought you were going to he's going to write a new book If I spewed it If I spewed

How I would have spewed Yes The Zodiac spewer Yeah So after we started Talking about this Someone else on the bus Was like

Oh you know There was another spewer I was like There's a second spewer There's a second spewer Oh my god This is some Serial spewer shit Yeah Yeah So there's a second spewer I was like my God. This is some serial spewer shit.

Yeah. So there's a second spewer. I was like, what? So they could have spewed over the shoulder of this person? Is that what you're saying? I was like, no, no, no. This other spewer, they spewed into their own bag. Okay.

I'm like, I cannot believe that I'm now saying, like, why can't you be more like this person who spewed in a bag? How is that the voice of reason? That is one magic spew. It's honestly more surprising that everyone on the bus didn't spew. You know what I mean? We're like, wow, there were two. It's more like there were only two.

There's got to be more. There's got to be more secret spewers, I reckon. Because it takes a certain person, a certain shameless person to admit they spewed into a bag. Yeah, yeah. Because this guy, I know. I'm pretty sure this guy was there solo, I believe. I don't think he was with anyone.

It was a solo seat, that's for sure. He was a solo seat, but I think he was also, he turned up by himself. Yeah. A lone actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very wolf. Yeah.

So he can just disappear. I'm thinking he changes his name. Oh. He, like, unsubscribes from the podcast. He goes into his Apple history and tries to wipe it from his cache. He fakes his own death. He's like a school shooter or something. He's quickly gone through unfollowing all the social accounts,

deleting any posts he's ever made on our page. Look, I'm very tempted to blame the rest of the bus and go, how did you not hear anything? But then I remember I was sitting literally in front of this guy who projectile vomited half a palmer onto a window and i fucking had no idea maybe it was you carl it wasn't me maybe it was you you said you don't oh you don't remember the fucking podcast and then you could have and you're sitting right in front of it because this is how we'll get off this will be the thing like that cop that uh was first on the scene with the oj uh murder

where they they then find footage of him dropping the N-word back in the day. And it's like, well, you were biased. You were, you know, it'll be like, it'll be like you're the guy where it's like, you hated this cunt anyway. You've tried to hang him up for this. Tommy, did you see Carl eating a parma earlier? I did, actually. I saw him have half of a second parma as well.

It makes sense. And this is the perfect twist. As Tommy says, we were after this guy. But he ran because he's afraid of you, man. Exactly. You tried to frame him with your own spew. As long as they don't check

the first 50 or so episodes of this show, they won't hear me say the N-word. So I think we're fine now. Debatable. 60, 70, whatever. Whatever it was. Now I'm up against the fucking kosh. All right.

You had in the ring. Look, I wasn't... I was going to say that would be the perfect crime if I was the one that went, oh, I was the first one to spot it, but I wasn't the first one to spot it. Someone else spotted the vomit first. Damn.

And look, I did dispose of the evidence. I was the one that got rid of it. If you don't catch the spewer within the first 24 hours the bummer goes cold it's a cold trail man you cleaned it right up trial i fucking cleaned it up i picked it up yeah yeah so we yeah we we're putting a bounty out on this guy right uh if you if you hung around with him during the day because yeah i mean it was pretty tight-knit group so people would... He was sitting behind Carl. Is that where he was, in the bus?

Well, that's where the spew was. That's where the spew was. Yeah, yeah. I think you've got to do, in all seriousness, one episode, a true spew edition of the Dumb Dumb Club and interview everyone on that bus who comes forward and find out what they heard, what they saw. Yes, yes, what they heard, what they saw. Yes, yes. What they heard, what they saw.

I'm even happy to hear from the person who spewed into a bag just so we can get that information on the air for people in the future. Yeah, get into the mind of a spewer, you know. Just if you're going to spew, do it like this, learn from this. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was going through their mind, they might be able to. We need a line-up.

We need a police line. So we talked to the person who spewed in a bag because it's sort of like Hannibal Lecter in Silence of the Lambs. Yeah, exactly. We're getting into the mind of a similar monster. Yeah, they've got the muzzle on because we know what they're capable of. Yeah, okay. And then let's say we – because all we would really need, presumably, is a first name and we'd be able to cross-reference that with the list of tickets.

And then we have this person's email and phone number. And then what are we doing? Are we putting this person on trial? It's a real modern-day murder on the Orient Express, isn't it? Everyone's encapsulated in one vehicle. Yeah, for three hours. It didn't kill anyone. It did kill my Saturday night.

Murder on the ring road? Yeah. It didn't kill anyone. It did kill my Saturday night. Murder on the ring road. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love the idea of a live show where it's just like an actual trial. Yes. Yeah. You should make it a comedy, a vom-com.

Yep. Yep. Very nice. Get a jury in. Yeah. All right. Finding an unbiased jury for a crime that is vomiting on a bus and then doing a run-up would be pretty hard.

Who represents or who defends? Who's the lawyer for the defendant? Brett Blake's defended himself in court like 15 times. So he's defending the skewer. So we're going up against him. You've got to afford representation. Because we're the prosecution. But we're the prosecution. But we're the prosecution.

But Blakey's not a prosecutor. He's a defender. That's true. No, no, but we're the prosecutor. We're prosecuting the spewer. Yeah. So Blakey would be the defender. So we'd be arguing against Blakey.

We'd be taking on Blakey. Yeah, I don't back myself. Blakey's the Johnny Cochran of this. Yeah, because he's very well versed in defending against very bogan acts. Yes. So this is right up his alley. It is right up his alley. It is right up his alley. He's right up that guy's alley. And you could get all

the witnesses, like the real people that were there. Yeah. Yeah. Was there any debate about who spews who in your Los Angeles hotel room? I think the consensus, well see, I didn't remember the night, because also I didn't have my clothes. That was the other thing and Gemma was like, oh yeah, you basically walked into the hotel

naked with a face mask. And I was like, okay, cool. Yeah, if there's a spew on the ground in this whole room, you keep your face mask on. Hey man, I don't want to get gay flu.

I don't want to get the Omicron. You can't get it in the other places. Actually, I think you can get it from butts. Anyway, that doesn't matter. Hang on, what?

Can you isn't COVID because it's from, you can get it from fecal matter. So it's like you can't get COVID from having sex with someone unless you kiss them, but you can get it from eating ass. Oh, really? Interesting. Can you get it from cleaning their spew off a bus?

Oh, absolutely. So the Zoomers were all right into eating ass about two years ago. It was a big internet thing. They're being very quiet about it all of a sudden. That's why the case numbers are going up. You should be checking into people's arses so we know. So we can contact, so we can anal. That's your thing, Pete.

It's like there's no shame about getting it, you know, it's just out and it happens. But if you got it eating arse, it's like, I don't know. Kind of a brag though, to be honest. It's a bit of a tougher one. You're like, I was getting laid. Like, I look creepy. Well, what about, should we follow up on this?

We talked about it a while ago Tommy Daslow So Three or four episodes ago Tommy Daslow Dropped a big bombshell I was talking to my dad About the Beatles

Get Back documentary Oh yeah I haven't watched it yet And my dad was like You haven't watched that No That surprises me That surprises me

I mean it wasn't Succession Nina Oh do you remember I've been fucking watching Succession Pete You'd like it, Nina. They're the original sad, depressed lesbian songs. You're so young and hip you haven't even heard of Peppa Pig.

That's like for fucking kids. You're giving us a very small window between Paw Patrol and Succession. I only like shows that are made between 2020, 2021, all right? To be fair, Succession people do talk like kids. They're like, I want to sucky sucky my dicky dicky. Yeah, yeah, yeah, true, 2021. To be fair, succession people do talk like kids. They're like, I want to sucky sucky my dicky dicky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. True, true. Okay, so the Beatles.

Paul McCartney is like... We know who's in the Beatles. Paul McCartney is like Rick and then... Yeah, they sing songs like The Summer of 69. I know who the Beatles are. So I was talking to my dad about that documentary and he goes, oh yeah, my mate Ringo. talking to my dad about that documentary and he goes, oh, yeah, my mate Ringo.

And I'm like, what? And he goes, yeah, I met Ringo at an event at the town hall when they came out here. And in 35 years, never heard this story. He's never told me this story once. So I'm pressing him on details. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this comes out of nowhere.

We talk about it on this show. Yeah. You're getting nothing off him. Getting nothing off him. And then the story morphed into, oh, I was talking to all of them. And so it's like, Dad. He led with Ringo. He led with Ringo when the story was he met all of the Beatles.

But what was the story? The rest of them drifted away and just left him with Ringo. But Ringo vomited on the chair. Is that what I'm hearing? And that's why. And then he ran away? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad actually bored the other three Beatles,

is the real headline here. They kind of, Ringo was too polite. So I'm pressing him for details because I'm like, this is... So we talk about this on the show and so we're all blown away with this.

We're pressing Tommy for details. We want more details. Then when it comes out on the show, I don't know if you saw this, someone, and I should know this because I'm a big Beatles fan but someone did suggest this

someone went fucking Ringo wasn't even there that was the tour when they came out here a guy called Jimmy Nickel came and played the drums a couple of times and fucked off

into the rest of history and no one ever fucking heard from him again so when your dad met the Beatles did he actually meet a Beatle or did he get stuck with Jimmy Nickel no he did

because the story was Ringo was sick and didn't come out, but he joined them back in Melbourne. Oh, Ringo was sick. He'd been eating ass. Funny about that. He got the 60s on the phone. Oh, yeah, yeah, he was sick. But for that one night, Ringo was there the night that I was there

and then Jimmy Nichol took back over, but he was sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like a bit of a creative license there Mr. Dassolo so yeah I'm pushing him for details so you can confirm

it is Ringo it is definitely Ringo because that I mean that's the ultimate end of the story but it wasn't even Ringo that would be so funny if you met the Beatles

and you didn't even meet the Beatles you met some cunt that was there for 5 seconds it's just some cunt in like a British accent yeah you lead with saying I met Ringo

and you didn't even meet yeah that's a humble humble brag yeah yeah so yeah I'm I'm pushing him on the details I'm like you gotta you gotta give me it can you remember anything about this interaction and he's like it was a long time ago like yeah but it was it's like the most famous people they've ever been it's like i know that stuff happens in life but like keep some space for that yeah did you push him and find out he's also fucking hung out with buzz aldrin in a rocket once or anything like that or where was he on september 11 2001 in new york or something is there a right yeah he's your dad forrest gump yeah he just he just vaguely fucking remembers all points in history?

Yeah. If you are Forrest Gump's son, this makes a lot of sense to me. He stopped running for one second to impregnate someone and then kept running again. Daddy! So, yeah. He also tried this one on. He's also like, well, you know, they weren't that big when they came out here.

Oh, my gosh. They got bigger after. I'm like... When did they come out here? In the height of Beatlemania. There's a video that we found that Noxie found. There's like 20,000 people outside of Town Hall screaming for them. These are amazing when the Beatles came here.

There's a video that we found from the event that Dad was at where they go onto the balcony of the Melbourne Town Hall and the streets are just lined with people going crazy. And Dad's like, boy, I can't wait for these guys to maybe make something of themselves one day. But until then, not keeping this in the memory bank. Yeah, your Dad's inside eating cucumber sandwiches and hearing 30,000 people rip apart police horses and stuff

and going, ah, well, this happens every day. Yeah, yeah. Wait, how did your Dad even get to meet them, though? He just got invited to this, like, event that they were at. Your Dad must be really underwhelmed no disrespect when he goes to your gigs

even if the Beatles weren't that big he's at the basement fuck it's a shame they did stop touring because maybe they would have come back out here and dad

could have had an interaction with them that actually stuck in his fucking head Jesus Christ so he didn't say anything about

John or Paul nah so then George George thank you Jesus Christ So he didn't say anything about John or Paul or Nah So then George George thank you Nina I haven't watched a documentary yet Boomer Nina over here So then

Yeah I'm like I'm pushing him going like Please give me anything And he's like Yeah I just It's like It honestly would be Easier at this point

To tee up Actually trying to get Ringo himself on the podcast than get this information out of Dad, like getting blood out of a stone. And then Dad messages me and goes, I need a bit of help putting some stuff on eBay that I want to sell. Can you help me? And I'm thinking, okay, now I've got some leverage. Let me see if I can remember how to use eBay. Log in details.

I'm like, i'll help you but you gotta you gotta conjure up one thing for me put him under you gotta give me you're just asking him to make up a fake memory that's what you're asking i don't care at this point you're like one of those people that's just like just say you're guilty you get less time all your friends have ratted on you. Okay, so I finally after, it's now like, yeah, two weeks of trying. I've finally got something out of it. It's tough. We can't

ask John anymore. We can't ask George anymore about what your dad said. No, but Ringo is still alive. That's true. That's true. Down to Paul and Ringo now. You know what would be funny if you got... No more spoilers please I haven't watched it I haven't watched it

I'll go but you know what would be funny if you like somehow in like a miracle world you got Ringo on the pod and you showed Ringo a picture of your dad

and he goes yeah I remember that guy and then like recounts a perfect memory if he's one of those people that's just like if anyone's seen the Nicolas Cage movie

Pig that's out at the moment there's a bit where he's like I remember every meal I've ever cooked if people that's just like, if anyone's seen the Nicolas Cage movie, Pig, that's out at the moment, there's a bit where he's like, I remember every meal I've ever cooked. If Ringo was just like that, he's just got perfect photographic memory of meeting my dad. Like that would be a beautiful end to that story. That would be a beautiful end. Yeah. But so look, I finally, I pressed him. It would be beautiful but psychotic of him for the height of Beatlemania.

It's like, yeah, I remember the architect in Melbourne. Yeah, I remember that young man. height of Beatlemania it's like yeah I remember the architect in Melbourne yeah I remember that young man yeah so I've been

on him and I'm just saying do whatever you need to do do a bit of meditation just go into a quiet room just close your eyes take yourself back

there I know it's been a long time I know a lot of other stuff has happened but honestly if you need to delete none of it was any good compared to

this fucking event look if you need to delete the memories of the painful memories of me having cancer as a child out of your brain to make room, Tetra-style delete a couple of lines and then a couple of other things can come in.

You can't just drop that in. Are you okay? Before I had COVID, he had cancer. Let's just move on. COVID's the new cancer. What did you have? Fucking leukemia? I got it from eating ass though, it's fine. As a, what did you have? Fucking leukemia? What's going on? I got it from eating ass, though.

It's fine. As a child. As a child, yeah. Are you okay? I'm fine. I'm all good now. But yeah, so I'm saying to him

I've given him a couple weeks. No wonder you changed your last name. Just kidding. So the cancer can't find me? That was his wish. So yeah, I've said to dad,

I've given him a couple weeks now and finally I get an email. This is important. I have a podcast. Yeah. Right before we were about to do the Heathcote live show, yeah, I've said to Dad, like, I've given him a couple of weeks now, and finally I get an email. This is important. I have a podcast. Yeah. Right before we were about to do the Heathcote live show, actually, and then within the first five minutes I went,

well, I don't think I'm reading this email out. No. It's not really the place for it. You did hold up your phone to me just before we were going to do it, and go, oh, I've got this. And then we started, and people were throwing chairs at each other. It's like, not the time to say, remember this from three weeks ago. Got a story about 1964 for you, everyone.

Well, it's just treat this gig like the Blues Brothers and get out of here alive and that's about it. Put up the chicken wire, fucking let's just get out. Put down the shots. An old man emailed me a story from 50 years ago. From the war. Okay, so here we go. This is straight from the horse's mouth. My dad's email from the weekend.

We were gathered in the room adjoining the balcony of the Melbourne Town Hall. All the people gathered looked exceptionally dull, probably because they had no idea what the Beatles' contribution to the world of music was taking place at the time. The unfortunate four mingled, looking rather bored. Hang on, what? The unfortunate four? Yeah.

Oh, fuck, he's editorialising this. Well, he's painting it as like, you know, all these people in the room don't really give a fuck about the Beatles. Already I feel he's editorialising this well he's he's painting it as like you know all these people in the room don't really give a fuck about the Beatles right already I feel he's padding yeah

he's got a word he's trying to hit a word count yeah also they don't give a fuck he doesn't give a fuck he hasn't thought about them for 50 years

yeah exactly exactly the music it's so intense to call the Beatles the unfortunate four I like it they're like the most fortunate four in history exactly yeah Exactly, exactly. It's so intense to call the Beatles the unfortunate four. I like it.

They're like the most fortunate four in history. The unfortunate four mingled, looking rather bored, until they sighted a little group of young people, like me, virtually into a corner. I was amazed at how – Oh, they were excited by your dad. Yeah. Is that what you're saying? Some happening beatniks.

I think your dad is writing fan fiction, Tommy. About himself. Yeah. It's like how they always write that fan fiction about Harry Potter hooking up with Draco Malfoy or whatever. Your dad is like, the Beatles were happy to see me. Dad's DeviantArt profile is fucked up. There's some sick shit on there.

It's like Lemon Party, but it's him and four other Beatles. I was amazed by how short Ringo was Barely as tall as me At that stage I was still exceptionally short for my age I think we bonded and chatted for a while Finally The other three were brought over And a happy little group made up of me and my two friends

Sons of the Lord Mayor Who were responsible for me being there Oh so that's how he's got in there He's got in with the kids of the Lord Man. Oh, right. Okay. It's not what you know, it's who you know. Or in this case, who you don't know, the Beatles.

They were all very busy asking us about what we Aussies liked about their music. Oh, really? Yeah. They had no idea about Australia, and I wonder to this day if they ever found out about our world. So Dad just assumes they've left Australia in 1964 and gone, that'll do us.

No need to ever check in again. Also, I love the idea that John Lennon said to your dad, David Alsop, so what do you like about Love Me Do?

What's your favourite bit of Love Me Do? What are Aussies like about it? Is there enough pineapple in our songs for you guys? This is clearly before they started taking drugs and being cool. Absolutely it is, yeah.

Can't buy me love. Now, what's the currency like here? Does that song drop in Australian dollars? With pound, can we afford love down here? We can't buy it anywhere. So in Australia, do you guys hold hands if you're in love? Do you want to hold girls' hands as well? Hang on.

Now that we're on the other side of the world, is it a hard day's night or a hard night's day? Okay. Back to Ringo's height. I believe... Oh, chapter two. Back to Ringo's height. I believe the chair slash stool he used on stage

had a brick under each leg to make him look more significant. Wow. Wow, getting a bit of behind the scenes. Ringo was the only guy that wanted to talk to your dad and your dad is just roasting him for being short. Yeah, yeah, you short cunt. What's in the description? He was very short, nearly as short as me.

Don't call someone else short if they're actually taller than you. Well, I mean, what's actually short? Back then, people were a lot shorter back then. Yeah, that's true. Look at the doorknob on that door here. This house was designed when

people were all Ringo height. It's so close to the ground. Lord of the Ringo's. Yeah. I'm doing my back every time I try an open. Brutal. When you go to England, like we've done that. When we went to England, you go to pubs and all the doorways are like up to your neck

and stuff like that. It's like fucking crazy. Hey, dad gets it. Yeah. I wish I had have known at the time because I would have asked him if he brought the bricks with him from England. I suppose. He wanted to ask.

That's the one thing he forgot to ask. Did you bring your own bricks to Australia? Maybe that's why he was actually laid out to Australia and they had that fill-in drummer because his plane took longer to get him because he had all his precious ice bricks on him. He couldn't get bricks through customs. Yeah, exactly. But I think, didn't your dad say that he was sick?

Maybe he meant to say brick, like I'm brick. Ah, yes. He got my bricks. He was like, oh, I'm going to go sick. Okay. No, he said I'm sh. Like, I'm brick. Oh, yes. I've got my bricks. He was like, oh, I'm going to go sick. Okay. No, he said, I'm shitting bricks. I'm shitting bricks. That meant he's like, ew.

Well, they didn't know anything about Australia, so they didn't know if we had bricks. Yes. I don't know what materials they're using. Probably just living in mud huts. Yes. Hang on. So when he brought this up, is this something he knew already?

They didn't play at the town hall, did they? No, this is speculation at this point. Right, okay. This is Dad assuming. This has come up in conversation. When your Dad's talking to Ringo, it's somehow come up in conversation that Ringo uses bricks when he plays the drums. I think that's what he's inferring.

I can't tell if he's inferring that or if he's just, because Dad's met him. As a fellow short man, he was like, how do you climb up on that big stool to play on the Drose drums? Well, he's like, every time I play the drums, I can't see over the people in front of me. But you look at, in concert footage, it's like, he is up so high. And it's like, yeah, that's not a couple of bricks under the stool, Dad.

That's a purpose-built riser. That's a stage. So that people in the audience can see him. Yeah. That's a stage. A stage is a lot of bricks, to be fair. This guy is so short that he needs a big elevated platform to be able to see the audience when he performs.

Actually, the other three need that as well. They're all short. What does he think? The other people just have long legs? Yeah, the Rolling Stones are all like 17 foot tall. So he's talking about whether Ringo brought the bricks with him and then saying,

I suppose like the Queen who is rumoured to always travel with her own lavatory seat. Is that a thing? Never heard that. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, look,

she doesn't really want to be... Like if she was at Town Hall, she wouldn't want to be going to that weird downstairs public toilet next door. She's not using a portal, is she? No, yeah, yeah. No, I reckon it's like she's not allowed to.

I reckon it would be something to do with... You know, because they're all so coddled. I feel like someone would have to come and replace the seat and stuff. But I reckon the Queen probably sometimes sneaks off and takes a dump in a filthy lavatory. That's a hell of a job. I feel so many thrills. At the very least, she'd have her own person that would put the toilet paper on the seat for her.

Yes. It just takes so much time. Yeah. I like how it's rumoured. It's rumoured. That's how rich the world's richest woman is. It's rumoured she has her own toilet seat. Wow.

Someone's doing well. As if you can't pick up your own toilet seat from fucking Bunnings and just do what you say. We all couldn't do that every day. It's also Dad just not having faith in this story about Ringo. He's like, better jazz it up. Put some history in there. What a pressurised job that is.

The Queen needs a dump. Maybe it's come on quite quickly and you have to fucking fix it. You can't just put it over the seat. You need to connect it. So otherwise the queen's going to be fucking slipping off. Right, right, right. That's a fucking pressure job.

You've got to have a little tool kit on you at all times. I assume there's all sorts of different ways that they're bolted on. Also, you know, when you're shopping for, I'm presuming the queen's not going shopping for her own toilet seat. So what's someone presuming what the royal toilet seat should look like?

Should it have jewels in it? Should it be furry? Especially back then. Furry like she's shitting on one of her corgis. Yeah, the more you think about it, it's like, yeah, I guess, is that a job? That's fascinating. When's that going to be in the crown? I would have been talking to Ringo about this as well, actually.

This is quite interesting. They would have met her at that point. They'd be big enough. Oh, that was all about the same time. I bet your dad met her, but she wasn't that big back then. She wasn't the queen yet. Who cares? Try and see if that rings a bell if you just say the queen

yeah yeah all right that can be another fucking four months of time yeah uh suddenly it was time for them to go onto the balcony and wave at the adoring crowd mostly hysterical screaming girls yes come on dad wow 2021 who weren't smiling maybe they should have smiled more it's 1964, dad. Hysterical women. Yeah, yeah. Ringo brings his bricks out there so he can actually wave to them.

Yeah, so he can see over the rail of the balcony. Your dad's like throwing the bricks at the... Imagine if your dad had snuck out there. Like, literally, he could have changed history. He could have been in one of those photos. Imagine if you find out now, you just see these beady little eyes like popping up above the wall.

It's like your dad is fucking waving to everyone. It's grainy because we... Yeah, on that episode where we talked about it we found footage of it and there was a moment where i was like my god if i can see dad in the background this is going to be unbelievable and it'd be easy to spot because he'd be the same height as ringo yes grainy footage but it's like there we go it did change history but those who don't know tommy's dad's real name is mark chapman i'll teach you not to talk to me. I'll teach you to stick me with Ringo. You left me with fucking Ringo, John.

Fuck, bang. Is Mark Chapman the beetle that wasn't allowed to be a beetle? No, he's the opposite of a beetle. He's the man who shot John Lennon. He got rid of a beetle. He's about as anti-beetle as you. He de-beetled the beetles. I mean, the majority of the world is not in the Beatles.

Yes. True. But he's like in the subset above that. The rest of us have just kept, you know, not affected the number of Beatles. I mean, I'm not in the Beatles, but I'm not fussed about it. Yeah, I'm not getting rid of them. Yeah, I don't think I should be in the Beatles. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not angry about it. I'm not adding to them. I'm not taking away from them. Yeah. I'm happy for there to continue to be the same number of Beatles for the rest of history. I don't know, man. Arguably, Yoko Ono actually ruined the Beatles.

I think he did. It's a very good point. Let's discuss that. We were promptly dispatched going back to school. The Mugtabin may have physically killed John Lennon, but Yoko Ono really... We were promptly dispatched going back to school to mingle with our classmates. But you can't open it. We were promptly dispatched going back to school to mingle with our classmates and everyone wanted to shake my hand,

the hand that had been shaken by the Fab Four. Oh. Oh, that's it? That's the end. Oh, wow. That's the end. So there you go. Great.

So there's still no real details really about what they talked about. I like there's a little journey in that story though how do you describe them at the beginning the unfortunate and at the end they become the fab four it's a nice journey

a bit of humility about the bricks and dad's like you know what that's pretty fab these guys are fab and at the end everyone wanted to

hold his hand I want to shake your hand they wrote the song right I want to shake your hand. They wrote the song. Right. I want to shake your head. We need to make it more general for young girls to feel like they're kind of in the story. They weren't little girls anymore.

They were little women. Yeah. Well, now I'm honestly terrified about accidentally finding out another story of someone famous that Dad's met. The ordeal it was getting that information out of him was it's like getting blood such hard work yeah he should have been dining out on at dinner parties from 1963 until right now is something that he had to go oh what happened again well this is how desperate i got when he was just giving up nothing i was saying to him is there anyone else you've ever met that you do remember interactions you've had that you can give us a story about on the pod? So I didn't get any of these stories, but I do have a list of other people.

Oh, of people he's met. Yeah. Great. So maybe we could do a by request and I could try and get it. Okay. Perfect. I love this. Eric Banner.

Okay. Yeah. Hugh Jackman. Yeah. Malcolm Fraser. Fucking hell. I don't know who this next person is. Derek Nimmo. Derek Jackman. Yeah. Malcolm Fraser. Fucking hell. I don't know who this next person is. Derek Nimmo.

Derek Nimmo. Yes, he's an actor. He's an old school actor. Okay. Yeah. Maybe some people listening will be into that. Yeah. And then the final one.

President Richard Nixon. Oh, what? This cunt is Forrest Gump. He saved the best for last. What? Hang on, hang on. Woodward and Bernstein and also. Was he running the phones in the White House?

How did he meet him? He's staying at Watergate. Well, you know, you can come up with your own theories because there's no way I'm going through that again. I just need to wait until he has other stuff that he needs to sell on eBay and then I'll be able to get the Nixon story out of him. Wow. Exhausting stuff.

I hope you met all those people at the same party, by the way. Eric Banner and Richard Nixon hanging out. I'm pretty sure Eric Banner and Hugh Jackman would have been at the same event, for sure. So he's kind of, you know, I feel like it's like you've got to pick one from the event that outranks the other. But anyway. It's like you've got to pick one from the event that outranks the other. Yeah.

But anyway. I think all of our parents usually have some celebrity that they kind of keep banging on about. That's very impressive. There's two that come to mind. My dad keeps on banging on about meeting Herb Elliott, who's a marathon runner. Yeah. Gold medal winner in the 56 Olympics, I think.

Yeah. And Jack Newton, who was the golfer, who lost his arm. In a helicopter accident. I think it was a light airplane. Oh, was it? Walking to a propeller. Yes. But did he meet any famous people?

No. No, but that is... Anyone from TikTok? Yeah. No, but even TikTok. Charlie D'Amelio? Oh, that's right. He met Billie Eilish last week.

My mum met Sade. No, my mum sat next to Sade at a Japanese hostel. Oh. Yeah. Pre-fame. No, during fame because she was like, that's fucking Sade. At a hostel.

Why was Sade at a hostel? I don't know, man, because she's a weeb. No, I don't know. Sade loves Japan. Hanging out in a hostel is not very smooth operating. Yeah. But the other one, oh, fuck. Oh, yeah, my mum went to school or uni with the chick that wrote The Secret

and she reckons he was a real big bitch. There we go. That's what you want. See, that's what David Allsop should have been like. That's what you need, the story. I met Ringo and he was a cunt. Yeah, that's it. What's taken me two full episodes to tell? Nina he was a cunt. Yeah, that's it.

What's taken me two full episodes to tell? Nina's got a better story in like one sentence. Oh, God. All right. Well, that brings us. The secret is the bitch that wrote the secret is a bitch. Peter Hellyer, Nina Oyama, thank you very much for joining us. Pleasure. No worries.

Have you got things you'd like to plug, Nina? Wednesday's coming out. Wednesday. Oh, yeah, nah. Nah. All right. Have you got a comedy festival next year? Nah.

No. Taking a break. Oh, okay. Going underground. Love it. Well, you're on the socials. You're over the socials. Oh, yeah, true.

You're on the socials. Oh, cheers, man. You're great on the socials. Check that out. Shut the fuck up, man. You're great on the socials. Hey, you've just recorded your special. Yeah, I recorded a special.

That'll be out next year sometime. On? On Paramount+. And I've got some dates in Queensland, Brisbane, Sunshine Coast, I think. I'm doing a half show with Nikki Britton at the Fringe. We're sharing a show. And sharing a show with Merrick Watts in Queensland at the Fringe we're sharing a show and sharing a show with Merrick Watts

in Queensland at some point just google it but also you ain't seen nothing yet the podcast we're between seasons 3 and 4

but we're releasing 2 for Christmas I chat to Brennan Cowell about broadcast news yep and we chat to Eddie Bannon

fantastic Irish comedian been living in Australia for many years about Love Actually it's our Christmas episode so and go back to the back catalogue because we've both been

on the show saying the N word a lot I knew I shouldn't have picked Roots it's a show about watching a movie that you've never seen before and talking about it it's talking about movie love

about a classic movie that you've never seen before so you watch it and then you come in so you did I did Titanic you took a bullet you took it and then you come in. So you did Titanic. You took a bullet, you took Titanic. Yes, and the comment I got from you was,

yeah, we haven't had one with that much swearing on it before. Yeah, there was a bit. And Tommy, you did The Shining. Yeah. When's Nino Yama coming on, eh? What movie haven't you seen, that classic movie that you haven't seen? Anything made before 2015. No Time to Die die the fucking Beatles documentary

well we'll find one then I'd love to have you as a guest but yeah so it's great Steamboat Willie I reckon big chance you haven't seen that one no I actually have

that's with Mickey Mouse yeah I actually love cinema I don't know if you do but Brendan the Brendan Cale broadcast news episode is great

we talk about Punch Drunk Love because we talk about people's favourite films as well and Waking Fright and some other movies

as well so it's a fun one yeah nice alright guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time

see you mates and they've done it again their tech has fucked it time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Their tech has fucked it. Yes. Bernie we got this. Bernie has lit up a big one. People at home, we just started thinking about the spotlights when we

walked on stage. Yeah, well it hasn't been relevant until then. We've been up the back of the room. But yeah, what a great episode of the Little Dumb Dumb Club. They've absolutely done it again. What did you guys think? Good one, right? Man, can't believe we got Ronnie and Dil on the same ep.

That was great. What was your favourite part of the episode? Oh man, the kissing. The kissing. Right, between, who was that again? All of us.

All of us, right. Four ways, all going in. Four way. Yeah. We've all got COVID now. Yeah. We all caught it from Ronnie. Yeah.

So that's cool. Yeah. Ronnie had the Ronnie. Yeah. Yeah. Give us more for that. He actually does have it, doesn't he? He's, I think he had to cancel a show because he's a close contact.

Right, right. Yeah. This is very talking dumb dumb. Behind the curtain of no interest to close contact. Right, right. Yeah, this is very talking dum-dum, behind the curtain, of no interest to anyone in the audience. Yeah. I mean, you really can see the gap in between. Like, last week, we did a show of the little dum-dum club,

and it was out in country Victoria, at a huge inconvenience to everyone in the audience. It was absolutely sold out. Couldn't have put more hurdles in front of you. Yeah, but absolutely packed out, sold out within minutes. This one, around the corner from most people, cheaper ticket that comes with a free beer, could not give these fucking

tickets away. The first time we've seen empty seats at a gig in years. The smallest gig we've put on and the hardest we've worked to fucking get comes in here. Man, you guys like guests, apparently. You guys were scared it was just going to be us. It's like, fuck this. Man, something, you guys like guests, apparently.

You guys were scared it was just going to be us. It's like, fuck this. No, this just answers the question of how many people are actually tuning in

to Talking Dumb Dumb every week. Right, right. This is one for the real heads. These are the people who just want like boring chat about the name Simon.

No, yeah. Like, yes, can't wait to see that in front of a crowd. These are the people with a two hour commute to work.

Yes. They've got to use the second hour. That's it. These are the fucking Zone 3ers. I can listen to this boring, depressing chat on the drive home because I'm wrapped about the fact that I'm on my way home from work. I don't care what I'm listening to. I need the fun bit of the show in the morning to pick me up.

But yeah, what did you think of the ep? What was your favourite bit of the ep that people have just heard? The hugging. You like listening to the hugging. You're a fucking keen listener. Some vague rustling I heard going on. Your favourite bit, Carl, was the kissing. But this guy's favourite bit was the hugging.

He's like, well, I wasn't there. Kissing probably better if you're doing it. To be fair, he was going to say the kissing I got in first's favourite bit was the hugging. He's like, well, I wasn't there, you know, kissing probably better if you're doing it. To be fair, he was going to say the kissing I got in first, so yeah. It's like family feud. It's like kissing's the top result.

Fuck, what else? Yeah. What about you, mate, in the second row? What was your favourite bit? The nudity. Okay, again. Again,

listening to the nudity. I mean, we were nude. I didn't think we'd pointed that out, though. I mean, we're nude most weeks. We put clothes on for the photo that we take out in front of my house.

We should put a warning up the top of the show. Right. You know, watch out for the audio nudity. Yeah. Yeah, I do have a surface mic

on my penis at all times just picking up little bits of rustling when I get aroused by a super potent riff. This has gone pretty well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We should just do

talking dumb dumb live from now on and never do a live little dumb dumb ever again. If the main ep This has gone pretty well Yeah yeah yeah We should just do Talking Dum Dum Live From now on And never do a live Little Dum Dum Club Ever again If the main ep Was always like In the room

And then this bit At the end Was always live Yeah That would be Fucking pretty good Just well It's not a huge crowd

Let's just get these guys To go round to your house Everywhere Yeah So every Sunday People gather here We play the episode For them

They listen to it And then we get up here and chat on it. That'd be fucking great. See, that was the thing. That was the thing you just thought of like five minutes ago. Fuck, we should have had a listening party. Yeah. And just sat here and had you guys all in here before.

You guys are just listening to us as we just walk around and give out sausage rolls or something. How weird would that be? Listening to an episode that we've already done while we're sitting up the back of the room being like, pretty good, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not bad.

And us going up to you and nudging and going, fuck, that deserved more, guys. That was fucking good. Should we give these guys a little preview of what actually happened in the ep? Should we tell them who was on it? It feels only fair. They have paid to come and hear us talk about it. No, but it does feel weird that we're saying on an episode to everyone else,

hey, do you know who was on the episode you just listened to? Yeah, we really do have to pick one, don't we? Well, anyway, too bad, guys. You're not going to know until fucking Wednesday. Oh, yeah, you're being punished by coming here. I feel like now the listeners of Talking Dumb Dumb this week are going to drop off even more than

what they already are because everyone who would be listening to it is fucking here and they've heard it already yeah and also so far the concept of this show

is sort of like just like gossiping about I wonder who was on the episode you just listened to so reverse gossip fucking hell

we could not be sucking our own dicks more right now Honestly this is the most That's what That's what this is all about That's what comedy is baby Yeah

The self suck Yeah We've put This is the worst Like it's a show about a show That no one really gives that much of a fuck about Right And then on top of that

We've charged for it On top of that We've put it close to Christmas On top of that We've released a virus out there To weed out everyone else You guys are so I everyone else you guys are so I mean honestly

you guys are so dedicated I reckon we could fuck all of you we were no okay alright people voted with their feet on that one who would fuck us though

someone just no that's so humiliating to do that and go you guys love us would you fuck us no? Does someone just... No. That's so humiliating to do that and go, you guys love us, would you fuck us? No. That's humiliating for our girlfriends. Even the people that love us... You have a girlfriend? When am I going to

fucking get the invite? This is unfair. I've really got to stop saying that. I said that the other day. Channel's a fucking cunt. He hasn't even introduced me to his mistress yet. Bullshit. What's wrong with me? What's the issue? Don't say her name too. No, really

don't say her name. No, not don't say her name. Don't acknowledge her existence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's her nickname to me. Don't say her existence. That's her nickname to me. Don't say her name. Don't accidentally say her name.

Around don't say her name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. What an intriguing web. Yeah. All right. Should we get out? We actually do have a guest joining us today.

Yes. Is this... Oh, no, not the first time we've had a guest on Talking Dungeon. No, no, no. But, you know, one of the first. Folks, yeah the first time we've had a guest on Talking Dumb. No, no, no. But you know, one of the first. Folks, yeah, we thought we'd have

a bit of fun with this guy, get him down to welcoming him into the Talking Dumb. It was the only choice we had. We just thought, this guy's perfect. He's the only guy,

31st guy we tried, whatever. Well, you know, we tried a lot of other people who were busy with Christmas things. Anyway, please welcome back into the little Dumb Dumb Club,

Mike Goldstein. Yes. Hanukkah is over, and I am available. I love it. Tommy, how he asked me to do the show, he was like, we're stuck, we don't have anyone. Are you available? And I was like, oh, thanks, man.

It's good to know I'm bottom of the fucking list. We got the idea. We were like, it's a cheap show. We're like, Goldstein. Thank you for getting me on the final super spreader event of the year. Well, spreader event. I like, yeah. You're complaining about the numbers.

This is triple a Phone Hacks live show. This is good. I love it. Last weekend there was a super spreader event at a gay bar in Melbourne and then this weekend, the opposite. The most heterosexual event that exists. I assume.

Well, here we go. Oh, no. Thanks for having me here. The equivalent of a post-credit sequence of the dum-dum? Yeah. This is the stick around after the credits to see bits for the next Marvel movie. That's right. Oh, the lights.

All right. Yeah. All right. Boys, you've earned it. Have a bit more light. Alright. Yeah. Alright. Boys, you've earned it. Have a bit more light. We. Okay. You're looking

beautiful up there boys. It'd be a shame for people up the back to not see you. Finally one quasi handsome

guy up here and they're like alright let's have a look. Someone from Channel 9 is on.

For the listener at home the lights just got slightly brighter and that has thrown us off. I like how you said For the listener at home, the lights just got slightly brighter and that has thrown us off.

I like how you said, for the listener at home. We've only got one. What? Oh, for the one listener at home, yeah. Well, that's the only person that's listening to this because, like I said before, everyone who normally listens to Talking Dumb Dumb is here. Right, right.

Boy, you're not... Yeah, you're really... You guys are happy to bail out at any point, aren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they were all right. Boy, you're not... Yeah, you're really... Do you want me to do the last thing again? You guys are happy to bail out at any point, aren't you? Yeah. No, they're all right. I reckon they're seven out of ten so far. I think they're all right. I think we're about six.

So you're beating us. Well done. Yeah. Now, something you talked about on the show, what, last week? Was it last week? Yeah, I talked the other week on the show, Talking Dum Dum. Yes. Not the little Dum Dum Club, to be clear. Yeah. I talked about other week on the show, Talking Dum Dum. Yes. Not the little Dum Dum Club, to be clear.

I talked about having tickets for Amel and the Sniffers gig this weekend. And it was meant to be Friday night. It got moved to tonight. And since I bought the tickets, huge surge in COVID cases across the city. I now don't really want to go. It's after this because I don't want to put myself at risk to getting the virus right before Christmas. Unlike you fucking idiots.

Yeah. Yeah, well, that gig's actually sold out, which is why I feel... Here I feel completely safe. I may as well be in a park right now. The Sniffer's the worst fucking name for anything right now. Yeah. Amal on the scratchy throats.

fucking name for anything right now yeah Amel on the scratchy throats so yeah I now I've lost faith in the gig I don't really want to go

I've got the tickets here and like I talked about it on the show about how it was talking about like hitting people up for refunds and all that kind of stuff

and you know I don't want to be I don't want to be you know tweeting at Amel going hey how do I get my money back for these tickets? But the other thing is... That would be weird, actually tweeting at Amel

whilst being a tight arse. Did someone say tight arse? Jew. Jew. But the tickets were posted to me. They weren't digital, So I can't just like You know I was decided yesterday

So you've got them old school You've got like proper like Bass tickets or whatever Yeah yeah I didn't ask for this But maybe they do it to Prevent scalping Because it's like

It's so much harder to get rid of them I can't just like Forward the email to someone I've got to actually Like hand them over So I've got two tickets for This evening 8pm

Amal and the Sniffers here on me. Now if anyone's interested, if you want to go after this on here it says $40 each plus booking fee I'll start the bidding and let me remind you this is a sold out gig $200 for both.

Do we have any Amal and the Sniffers fans in the audience tonight, by the way? Anyone? Anyone in Newark? Absolutely no one. I'm looking forward to this auction. It's over there. You got...

What was that? $2,200. You're not paying... All right, what... Oh, well, let's start the auction. What will you pay? Yeah, reverse auction. Go lower.

Start with $20. Pardon? 20 bucks 20 bucks For one or two? For two 20 bucks for two They're worth 40 And you'll pay me

$10 each No No That's fine That's an opening bid Okay that's an opening bid Now we throw it open To the floor

Can anyone Even for people That's such a good deal For even people Who hate them They might be tempted To buy those tickets Yeah

And then sell them to him maybe anyone yet someone up there pardon 60 for 2 here we go

there you go now we're talking oh oh that's it that's it is that as high as I'm getting we got a

we got a return bid over here no you're now just eating pretzels instead okay is that it is that it? is that it?

any other takers? is that as high as it's getting? go once go twice 60 for two someone could do better come on 60 for two what about 60 for one

and I come with you and we have a little kiss in the toilet I've completely changed my tune now you know what now that people are interested I'm like actually reassessing it and going it would be a fun gig actually maybe I do want to go because also i'm doing this because

like i i don't want to go and potentially get covid and have to miss christmas that's why i'm like bailing on it and then my mum texted me right before this started and said hey just letting you know we're at a restaurant the other night and there was a positive case there so we've just gone to get a test right so now my parents might not be even making Christmas. So I'm like, can you do a rapid test now so that if you are missing Christmas I'm going to go to the fucking gig

because you're busy. Alright, 60 for 2? 60 for 2? Yeah. Oh, he's put his hand up again. What? Same person. Oh, you're trying to outbid yourself?

61. 61, alright. Now we're talking. I'll take it. I reckon I'll gradually get you up to 80, a dollar by a dollar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 61.

70 if Tommy comes. Pardon? 70 if Tommy comes. But then he'd have to buy his own ticket. Okay, I dropped out of maths in year 10. I'm completely lost now. Am I owing you money now? I don't get it. No, I'm out of maths in year 10. I'm completely lost now. Am I owing you money now? I don't get it.

No, I'm happy with that. 60 for both, given this is happening last minute. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. 69, man, we're bigger than that. Yeah, that's more the sort of stuff that the boys on the Little Dumb Dumb Club would be into. Yeah, exactly.

It's a bit beneath us. That's why you stick around after them to listen to the fucking high class. Well, maybe we can check, maybe we'll check back in later in the gig. Oh, okay. Give people time to sort of think about it and see if anyone else here goes, you know what, I'm happy to outbid this guy. Would anyone pay 69? Would anyone pay 69 bucks for the tickets if Tommy 69s you? Sorry, sorry.

The Aldi Milan just gave me a beer. Someone just put a beer on the stage. If that's for the tickets, that's less than $60, I hope you realise. Aldi Milan is like the most average night ever. Is that right? Yeah, yeah. Alright, alright.

So I like that you put it out there for everyone else to think about. Oh, maybe I should right, all right. So, all right, so I like that you put it out there, like, for everyone else to think about, oh, maybe I should outbid him, but you've also given that guy, like, an hour to think, maybe I'll just fuck it up. Oh, no, fuck it, all right. $60. Have you got cash?

Oh, fuck. I can get cash. Pardon? I can get it. Oh, we can all get cash. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a boast. Yeah, I know a place around the corner.

Yeah, man. A little machine that sorts me out, if you know what I'm saying. No big deal. I've got a bank card. Yeah, yeah. I know the password to my bank account. All right, all right. Sold.

Sold for $60. You're right, you're right. I don't want him to back out. I don't want to be left with nothing. But you have to file a report on the gig for us. You have to send us an email and let us know how it was. Yeah, from hospital. Yeah.

See if they can translate through the ventilator. Get a nurse to type out. People that come to this already have lost their taste, I think, so that works out. Very nice. The comedy sniper. Oh, yeah. That's what I'm here for.

Actually, I thought this was a bonus thing. This isn't behind the paywall at all. No, it's not behind the paywall. Because I was going to talk shit

on Perth Comics. Oh, please. Please. Nah. Please. Not worth it. Too many abusive texts. Yes.

Yeah. It was. Yeah. There's a... What can we... Yeah. We talked about it, yeah. There's, what can we, yeah. We talked about it, didn't we? We talked about it publicly. We did a bonus ep with Mike about the history of Perth comedy. And then we all got in trouble for what we'd said about some comedians in Perth.

But specifically you got in trouble, Mike, because you used to live there. And I think they thought of you as something of a turncoat. You moved to the big city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Start sipping your lattes and then turn on the. Yeah. He said put on a scarf and sip your latte, you F word piece of shit or something.

And I was like, well, that all checks out. I do all three of those things. Betraying Perth comedy. I know, fuck, look at me, dude. But it's worth it, you know, for you guys. Yeah, to be up here, fucking whatever the fuck this show is this is amazing

yeah I couldn't make the 500th episode but you've given me this the breadcrumbs this year no worries yeah

we didn't ask you for that one but whatever we'll have you on the 500th talking dumb dumb that we do in a few years time because we started that a few years after

the actual pod started man what about this so I went and had some beers last night with some Maribor mates. And of all the men, this fucking gutted me. I was talking to Maribor mates and one person was saying something and then the other person hung shit on him and said, oh, yeah, that's fucking like this.

And then everyone else laughed. And I was like, what was that? And then they go, don't you know this story? And I'm like, no. And they're like, oh, my God. And I fucking felt betrayed. There's this great story that happened with my mates. And I don't know about it.

A mirror of our fucking story. Maybe that's why they've never told you. They're like, he'll tell it on his fucking podcast. Got to keep it from him. That is literally what they said straight afterwards. And then I promised them I wouldn't. But then I don't have anything else. So here we go.

afterwards and then I promised them I wouldn't but then I don't have anything else so here we go and they're all friends of yours that listen to the pod but then they bail out before talking dumb so this is international waters for you so my mate, I think both of you guys have met him, anyway which one of your girlfriends is he?

so he was my mates were going out the night before Bucks night of one of them and this girl and the way they told it this girl came up

to one of my mates and you know he's quite this short this little guy I think we're with that and some women find that attractive so

so then in his words he said this 12 out of 10 this 13 out of 10 came up to me and was like cracking on to me and went, why don't we go home? And he was like, I don't get what's happening. Like she's so far out of my league. I'm not quite sure.

Like I'm a bit scared. I don't know why this is happening. So then he went home with her and he was like so like, oh my God, I can't believe this is happening happening that he was so up for anything he got her home and then she went yeah let's have sex but only if you're dressed as a clown

alright alright did he do it? yes he had a clown outfit just ready to go. They went to her house. Oh, they were at her house.

So she's just got the full like... Wardrobe. ...Rose Strong's like costume shop ready to go. Yeah, she lived at the Ringling Circus. Yeah, yeah. She took him home in a car with 30 others. Yeah, yeah, nice. Nice.

So they went home and then also He was going to the He was the guy organising all the Hospitality for the Bucks night So he took all of it to her place And then that all went on her For the next two days And so the Bucks party went dry Because of him

So he's just camped out at this girl's house For like two days Yes Didn't sleep Clown suit the whole time So got into the clown suit Did the clown suit And then she opened up the wardrobe She had other stuff So he's just camped out at this girl's house for like two days. Yes. Didn't sleep. Clown suit the whole time. So got into the clown suit, did the clown suit, and then she opened up the wardrobe and she had other stuff,

cowboy stuff, fireman stuff, all the rest of it. Full village people. Putting the big red nose on and then. Yeah, yeah. Full village people except. The clown. Not in that way. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was, so he said, I was like, no, are you kidding? Are you makeup and everything? And he's like, yeah. And then we were all like, who did the makeup? Like, did she do it or did you do it? And then she was, and he was like, no, I had to do it myself.

Like, fuck, that's even more embarrassing, I reckon. Yeah. You'd like to think if she's got the costume, she's like, I know how I want the makeup. You'll fuck it. You'll come out looking like the Joker I'm doing this so that it gets done properly yeah and so he was like

oh you know happy to do whatever to you know go through with it whatever and I said wasn't it weird he goes

the weirdest bit was she lived in this apartment where they had a big window and she just left the windows open and at some point

he was having sex with her whilst dressed as a clown and also she was dressed as another clown oh okay right yeah that's okay then clown on clown clown on clown it's fine yeah it's 2021 that's equality that's what we love to see well either she was dressed as a clown or maybe she was just wearing too much makeup i can't remember but when he squeezed her tits and it go yes there we go but but he said the weird

he said out of all of that the weirdest bit was she left the window open and he's literally having sex with her and he saw someone mowing the lawns out the

outside the window and he was just mowing the lawns like this what time of day is this this is a busy story oh this is during the like

two day love nest like right yeah man fucking amazing I can't believe I know someone

who dressed as a clown and fucked someone else dressed as a clown yeah yeah and then he said man he's gonna hate it when he finds out

I've told this but anyway then he found out so then because it went on for so long, and he was so fucked because he then, they then did enough hospitality to satisfy an entire Bucks party.

Yeah. So then he couldn't go to work on the Monday, and he was, like, texting his boss going, I really can't come to work today. And they were like, what's your excuse? You know, you're in big trouble. And he was like, oh, man, this is the story. I had to fuck a girl dressed as a clown.

Had to. And he said, he said it was like, remember the America's Cup thing in 1983 where Bob Hawke declared a national holiday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He tried to invoke that rule. He tried to go, just like the America's Cup, I fucked someone

dressed as a clown so I shouldn't have to you're a bum if you fire me for not coming into work and then he and then the boss went okay

you know what deal but I need pictures and then he said what work plate was this Ralph magazine that he worked at it's a

it's a it's a it's a it's a workplace that deals pretty highly with hospitality as well, I'd say. So I think there's... Pablo Escobar's personal guard? What? Oh, okay.

So did he send the pictures then? Yes. Oh, can we get those pictures? Can we get those? Yeah. He took pictures. Yeah. Well, I would say she would have taken the pictures then? Yes. Oh, can we get those pictures? Can we get those? Yeah. He took pictures? Yeah. Well, I would say she would have taken the pictures.

Yeah. Okay, right, right, right. But then given them to him? I don't know. Right. The story is a fucking minefield. Yeah. Yeah.

Can't we go back to when we were having fun riffing about what it'd be like to fuck a clown? You know, going down on her and then pulling a whole bunch of hankies out from in there. That's good. Et cetera, et cetera. You've got to ride in on a tricycle and shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else is there? I think that's it.

It's not as easy as you'd think. Yeah. I think we did the major ones. Yeah, we did. Yeah, I do remember saying, what was her name? Bozo? That was good. Yeah.

Afterwards, her sheets were crusty. All right. Oh, fuck off. Really? Pie in the face? Something with that? Oh, yeah. That's the sort of workshop you get from paying $12 to come to see me. $12 with a free drink, so sort of a free show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And still dissatisfied people. All right, look, people feel like their attention and enthusiasm is waning a bit. Why don't we boost them back up by doing what they came here to see? Let's read out some names. That'll get them back on site. Or what we could do,

what we normally do in Talking Dumb Dumb, we could talk about gigs that we've got coming up for 15 minutes if that'd fire you cunts up yeah yeah yeah we've got a gig at the cafe she hasn't sold out yet if you want to come down

and see that so we've got the unplanned title alternator here with us this will be the first time for people have you people ever seen a UTA before

have you seen it IRL in the flesh you have no you haven't fuck off that's what the whole bit relies on Have you people ever seen a UTA before? Have you seen it IRL in the flesh? You have? No, you haven't? Fuck off. That's what the whole bit relies on. You not having seen it. All right, let me go grab it.

All right, so Tommy's going and getting quite a sophisticated piece of machinery. Obviously, we've upgraded it recently. What's happening? Sorry, sorry. I've never listened to an app. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, sorry. I've never listened to an app. Sorry, Mike. So what happens is we have a lot of Patreon subscribers to our show.

What we need to do to make it fair, a lot of people complain that they haven't had their name read out yet. We read out anywhere between 300 and 600 names a week. And to keep it fair, as to which names we read out, we plug them all randomly into the unplanned title alternator and they come out absolutely randomly. Nothing to do with us. Right. Yeah. So that's the piece of machinery you see in front of you.

The 10-foot bank of computers that you see in front of you. Oh, dear. That's what that is. I put a mask on it just so that it doesn't get COVID before Christmas. We don't need it to be out of commission while we're trying to go, ah, Rudolph comedy, yeah. Don't read ahead. doesn't get COVID before Christmas. We don't need it to be out of commission while we're trying to go, Rudolph comedy, yeah. Don't read ahead.

All right, so should we start? Yeah. Should we jump straight in? Yeah. All right, so you'll need to hit the big red button. Okay, yeah. Are we good with that? Is that on the side?

Oh Okay, hang on Hang on, I'll try again Oh, I didn't even touch it that time Don't even think about it, pal That sounds like two clowns fucking There we go Alright, we No, alright

Apparently, I don't think that's working. All right, what are we... No! It's not even... No, he's doing it now. I can't see. All right, all right. You should be up here.

We've got heaps of light. Tommy, that doesn't seem to be working properly Have we ever had this situation? What do we do in this situation where the UTA's not working properly? Yeah, well I'd say try plugging it turn it off and then on again unplug it and then replug it There's no cord anywhere and it's still capable of making that noise

and now we're talking. I love seeing you two guys finally turn into prop comics. This is amazing. And the best sort of prop comics on a podcast. This show was worth $12. $12. Yeah, there's no plug This show was worth $12. Yeah. There we go.

I wasn't looking, sorry. Yeah, there's no plug, but it says here there's a helpline that you can call up. Oh, yeah. Okay, all right, all right. We'll dial that up now. The UTA, the helpline, the hotline. All right, here we go. Yeah, the UTA hotline. Here we go.

I think I've got them on the line now. No, wait. I hope they answer soon. Hello, it's the untitled plant. Let me start again. Hello. Hang on, let me hang up. Let me hang up and ring again. Hang on, hang on.

Let me hang up. Let me hang up and ring again. Hello, it's the Unplanned Tard Alternator Incorporated providing random names to comedy podcasts since 1972. Sanjit speaking. Sanjit? Yes. Doesn't sound like a Sanjit, but okay. Do you want me to do the comedy eyes?

Yeah. Yeah, this sounds like the unplanned tard alternator. All right, all right, that one's too far. I'm just talking in my phone. I've got you on speakerphone, obviously. We've got some problems with our UTA over here. Oh, are we running the latest operating system? That's right, we've got the UTA 6.9.

Oh, nice, nice, yes. So what seems to be the problem well it's just not working at all have you tried turning it off and on again yeah we pulled the plug out we put it back in again yeah no no sorry I missed you misunderstood have you tried turning it like on and off again and on again like sexually UTA UTA is 6.9 is our horniest update yet. Okay. And it generally reacts to sexual commands. Oh. Oh, right, okay.

Okay, so we've got to... We've got to do it ourselves. So like, hey... We've got to dirty talk the UTA. Right, yeah. That's the way we designed it. Yeah, so we are kind of like idiots here. We are...

We... I mean, we don't even know why we sort of... Is anyone else as last as I am? Yeah. We did rehearse this and we were promised it was going to be better. What the fuck is going on? It's a dense plot. You're our only client, okay?

You're our only client. And we've only done this to piss you off and make you speak hornily to a computer. Okay. Right, okay, all right. Well, we can do that, though. We can try that. Yeah, we'll give you a try.

Hey, UTA, I want to suck you off. Sorry, sorry, I should have mentioned this. UTA's pronouns are she and her. Oh, no. Okay, I want to... You're going to get cancelled by the UTA. I want to suck your flaps. Yeah, probably should have given you a bit of advice.

Good news is the UTA is sexually attractive to Melbourne comedians. Right, good, great, great. Bad news is it's sexually attractive to successful Melbourne comedians. Right. All right, you want me to try this? Yeah, go ahead. Okay, all right, let's see how this goes. Hey, UTA!

I want to lick out your I want to lick your dick Oh, right That didn't take long at all Thank God Okay, we've got to go Great, alright Perfect, alright

He can't act but he can hit the buttons with lightning precision At the end of the day, that's what you really need out of a tech. Yeah. Beautiful. All right. Great. And now, end of bit. So.

All right. First cab off the rank this week. Yep. Actually, mate, you know, you've got a bit of... You can reprogram it there on the side. We can get... Look, it'd be good after all that to get it off to a flyer. Let's get a particularly good one to start with.

Okay. Can you just... Yep, hang on. Fucking hell. All right. Beautiful. All right. First, let's give this

off to a flyer. We've just tuned up the funniness of name. This is like fucking blues clues at this point. First cap off the rank. Hang on. How does this work?

I'm not even close to it at the moment. I'm reading off the side, am I? Yeah. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Harry Littlewood. Okay. All right.

Good thing we called that helpline. That was really worth it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Harry Littlewood. Harry Littlewood. That is a person that subscribes to our podcast. Yeah.

Harry Littlewood. And they're not here. They're not here. All right. Let's tee off. Yeah. So Harry. Yep.

In the Australian vernacular. Yep. What would you say a nickname for Harry is? Dick. No. I'm thinking about after the gig when I go to Aminal and the Sniffers with that guy on the back. Hazza.

Hazza, yeah. So his name is Hazza Littlewood. Tommy jumped the gun on the dick there. I got too excited. Cut out the middleman. I was laughing at a clown. We've got a subscriber called Hazalittlewood. Hazalittlewood, yeah.

Is he setting us up or is this a real name? It does sound too good to be true. Yeah. But it does sound a little bit sophisticated. It's like the Riddler. We've just been lured into it. Yeah. Littlewood. I don't know. We've just been lured into it. Yeah. Yeah. Littlewood.

I don't know. I think this person is playing with us. I think this is a prankster. What do you guys think? Too good to be true or real person? Do some of you know Harry Littlewood maybe? Or any of you know Harry Littlewood? Have people left?

What's going on? Yeah. There's a reason why we haven't done this live before, actually. Harry Littlewood. Yeah, fake. It's bullshit. Really? Yeah, he thinks it's hilarious, but it's no good.

Fuck, I believed it. Really? Yeah. Nah. I don't know. Do you see a profile pic when they subscribe? We sometimes do this. We dive into Facebook and we see if we can locate the profile.

Right. That usually tells us whether they're real or not. Yeah. Or at the very least whether they are a fan of any of our pages on Facebook. Yeah. Which, cool move to subscribe to the Patreon but not give a like to the actual page. Yeah, yeah. I don't mind that at all.

That's great. Yeah, that's fine. Just keep us on our toes. I'm looking it up. Can someone else look at Facebook while I'm looking mad at all. That's great. Just keep us on our toes. I'm looking it up. Can someone else look at Facebook while I'm looking on email? We need all hands on deck on this one, folks. Fuck. I can't find it.

I can't find it. Is this going to really devastate you if it's not real? I don't like being tricked. And I think I'm smarter than these people. And this proves that I'm not. Well, you're not smarter than Harry or whatever his name is. Probably John Smith. Yeah. Sorry? What? It's real.

Is it real? It's from Geelong. Wow, this just gets better and better. He is too. He's from Geelong. But he's from Queensland, which, I don't know. The last thing he posted was a video of someone doing 100 sit-ups a day.

That's all I have. Yeah, doing this with the pressure of an audience in front of us is really hard. When we're just in my sitting room, it's like, Yeah, Littlewood, he's a tiny dick. His name's Harry. What? Oh he's right okay so he's from Canberra so he's in the Patreon group

Wait are you all close personal friends with him? What's going on? All of a sudden people very active fans of Harry has a little word He is legit Not only that you know you were like fake name sudden people, very active fans of Harry has a little word. He is legit. Not only that, you know, you were like fake name. I'm scrolling through. Look how many Harry Littlewoods there are in the world. There's so

fucking many. Okay, here we go. Yeah, let's look at this. Alright, alright. We've got him up on the screen. For people at home, we've now got Harry Littlewood've got him up on the screen. Okay. Oh, that's a wrong one. For people at home, we've now got Harry Littlewood's Facebook profile up on the screen. It's a wrong one.

It's a wrong one, UTA. It's a wrong one? Okay. It's a wrong one, Sanjit. Can you... Our tech's killing it now. As long as we don't ask him to do an act out where he pretends to be Harry Littlewood,

this is going to be fucking great. Well, crossover podcast, let's comment something fucked on one of us. This is going to be fucking great. Well, crossover podcast, let's comment something fucked on one of us. Doody, if you're prepared to sacrifice your own Facebook profile to say like,

God, I'd love to suck that little wood or something. He's from Good to Windy. Is this the guy? That's the wrong one. We need the Canberra one. Let's just fucking do this guy. Who gives a shit? Let's do them all. Let's find every Harry Littlewood.

This guy does seem cool. Add him as a friend, Doody. Yeah, add him, Doody. Can you comment on every... Yeah, that cover photo of Tim and his family, and then just say if that's your mom, my wood's not so little. Can you message every Harry Littlewood and just say,

do you know your name is Hazard Small D? You've already named me, so I'm not doing this. I'll bleep it out. And I can't see what I'm clicking on. Oh, right, okay, yeah, yeah. You've got to guide me. Yeah, yeah, sorry. Up, up, up, across. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You've got to guide me. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Up, up, up. Across.

Oh, yeah. Share it. Yeah. Add all his friends. Clint Conroy's absolutely gotten him there. What am I clicking on? Share it to your profile. Come on, guys. Get me out of here. Share his family reunion pic on your personal page.

Yeah. Share it to your profile and say, look at this cunt, stupid man. Yeah, then open a porno. I'm not on either of your podcasts. Segway, segway. All right, all right. Can we, can we, can you... Now my computer's broken.

Can you go back to... Oh, really? No, it's not. Oh, good. Can we go, can we try and find the Canberra version? Can we find our guy? We're looking at the fake Harry Littlewood. We're looking at the old Harry Littlewood. Has a little wood. Can we try and find the Canberra version? Can we find our guy? We're looking at the fake Harry Littlewood. We're looking at the old Harry Littlewood.

Has a Littlewood. Can we go back? Can we find him at all? No? You do something while I do this. Okay. What could we possibly do, I wonder? Let's attempt some comedy.

Okay, so everyone in the crowd seems to have the actual Harry Littlewood up on their phone. Oh, right. So, yeah. While we get him up on the screen? Everyone's just done it themselves. Let's all friend request him at once. All right. He just logs on.

He's got like 57 friend requests in one go. All right. I am messaging. I like the look of this guy. I want this guy listening to our podcast. I'm messaging. Which one do you think? Is it the middle one or the...

It has to be the middle one. It's a weird move to put your head a pic and you're like the guy right on the end. I don't like the look of the guy on the end, honestly. Yeah, yeah, that's the show. Yeah, that's what we're doing. No, we remember. Oh, no, I see.

So it's Canberra, is it? Yeah, it's Canberra. Harry Littlewood, Canberra. Chandler is halfway through a direct message. Okay. I've messaged him to say, you realise your name is Has a Little Dick, right? Yeah.

So let's see if we get a message back. Is this the one? Is this the right one? This is the one. And he's got 9-11 friends. Perfect. His whole life's a tragedy.

If he has a little wood, he doesn't even have one tower, a little twin tower. He's got some great statuses. Dem feels

when you have AIDS. What the fuck? He was on, he was actually on phone hacks recently. This is, uh, what the fuck? What's actually on Phonax recently. What the fuck? What's wrong with this cunt?

People say Cameron's boring. Disagree. He, ha, gay. I love this guy. Man, these are our people. Fucking hell. Oh, there's a nice one in the middle there finally home and

oh yeah when he was eight years old love the place this is like we're going back to fade the lights down so that the audience can see the homophobia

on the screen oh no look god this is our fan what's wrong with these people oh this rocks I love this

this is who's attracted to what people? Oh, this rocks. I love this. This is who's attracted to what we do, Tommy. This is such a better show than the Little Dumb Dumb Club. We just get people's Facebook profiles up on a big screen. Oh, yes. Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, go, go, go. Go back, go back.

Wait, wait, wait. There was one. Yeah, yeah, go back, go back. I am gay. Sorry, girls. Go back, go back. Yeah, down, down, down, down. No, no, go back just for the listener Carl's up at the screen like he's in Minority Report just scanning around

look look someone's obviously taken his phone and gone I'm such a skinny little runt lol I'm so small as is my willy that's what you come in with has a little one you fucking idiot oh wow this guy gets Facebook hacked a lot yeah can we stop now you come in with has a little one you fucking idiot. Oh wow,

this guy gets Facebook hacked a lot. Yeah. Can we stop now? You'd think he would have learnt by now to not leave the laptop. Milf on Big Brother.

Go, go, why are you going over these things, doody? I can't see. Is it weird that I wanked in my mate's bed

and didn't clean it? Hang on, hang on. The next one. Two hospitals, two, three ambulances and one brain scan. What a day. Response. Cock shortening. 11 likes.

The great move of the comment getting more likes than the original post. That is devastating when that happens. He's never learned how to use the delete button in his whole fucking life. Oh, my God. You find floppers the digits. What a king. I love this guy. Oh, look at all this stuff.

All right. All right. Oh, God. Well, thanks, Hazza. Yeah. Fuck. thanks, Hazza. Yeah. Fuck. Thanks, Hazza. Sorry to hear 47 times that you're gay.

I feel stupid having messaged him now. Is it true what you've been saying on your Facebook profile for the last nine years? Oh, man. Oh, that is a hot one. Yeah. That's great. Fuck me.

Anyway, he's one of you. Yeah. Well, thanks, Harry. Thanks, Harry. All right. Well, that was fun. You know, I feel like it's a bit... I feel a bit bad about, like,

teeing off on someone who isn't here. Can we change the algorithms of it? Can we shorten it to subscribers that are within 10, 20 metres? Oh, yeah, okay. I'll shoot down the... Okay. All right, nice one. It's done.

All right. Oh, okay. We've got a couple coming up. All right, nice. What should we a couple coming up. All right. Nice. What should we... Well, we can thank people. And I believe they're within 20 metres. Yep.

So what should we do? Should we read out the name and then sort of like maybe guess what sort of people they are? Let's do this like a kind of almost like a reverse guess who. Like a roast. Let's put together what they look like and then the name and the thing goes up instead of down yeah all right I'll read the name and we have to guess who they what what they look like what sort of people yeah can we John Edwards crossing over it like can we get in touch with the living yeah all right all right let's uh okay we've got that name all right here we go thank Alright, alright

Let's Okay, we've got that name Alright, here we go Thank you to Patreon subscriber Jacob Amy Jacob Amy Jacob Amy Okay

I'm guessing Look, I don't know if you guys have heard of this before But back centuries ago People used to have a surname named after what they did for a living. Right. Was this guy a professional woman? Back his ancestors? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That checks out.

A professional woman, a girl boss. A professional Amy. Could have been Amel, and they just got sick of... Oh, right. Sick of sniffing? Jacob Amy. What do you think of a Jacob Amy? I'm guessing big beard. Oh, right. Sick of sniffing? Jacob Amy. What do you think of a Jacob Amy? I'm guessing big beard.

Yeah, beard. Definitely beard. I know that's cheating because I've seen the people in the room already. Also, you could say, podcaster, what do you think? No, but I do think beard. I'm thinking facial hair.

I'm thinking facial hair. You're getting that from the Jacob, aren't you? Slicked back hair. You're getting that from the Jacob rather than the Amy, I think. Yeah, yeah. Jacob sounds beard. Guilty. Guilty facial hair. Oh, you know, you're getting that from the Jacob, aren't you? Slicked back hair. You're getting that from the Jacob rather than the Amy, I think. Yeah, yeah.

Jacob sounds big. Guilty. Yeah. Spending Christmas alone, probably, is that? Well, in isolation after this show. I like that it was meant

to be about physical appearance and you're thinking you could get that just out of someone's looks? Oh, yeah. All right, all right. All right, well, we can follow up.

We can ask that as a follow-up question. Can we bring up his Facebook profile? We could probably get him on stage in a minute. Oh, we're back. I think we've just got to leave Harry on the screen for the rest of the game. I'll keep checking to see if he's messaging me back. Yeah, yeah. But let's concentrate on Jacob, Amy.

What are you getting from Jacob? Jacob? No, I'm being swayed by the beard now, now that you're saying that. Beard loves baseball hats, a baseball hat type guy. 30, early 30s? Early 30s. Crop beer fan.

Yeah, crop beer. Flannel shirt. We're going to be baking these predictions for everyone. We really are. Definitely on the spectrum. Nothing better to do. Thinks Hamish and Andy are sellouts. Well, I mean, I presume that's why you're into us.

You could always go to someone better. Loves American barbecue. Prove me wrong actually no he might have been one of the people that was before this show was late

because we sat in here like we've got you know look we're joking about not having that many people we've got plenty of people here but we did we were running half an hour late

because there was five fat cunts watching NFL before this show up here and we're just sitting there going because I mean

was that up here yeah oh the Colts Patriots game great game let's just talk about it oh going... Was that up here? Yeah. Oh, the Colts-Patriots game. Great game. Let's just talk about it. Get it back up here. No, because we don't know NFL at all. So we walked up here and we're like,

oh, we get to set up in a minute. And on the clock, it's like five minutes to go. Great, five minutes we get to set up. We didn't realise that doesn't mean five minutes. No. That means a fucking hour. Five minutes to go, yeah, at 45. Yeah, yeah.

So we just had to watch these fat idiots in fucking big football jerseys just sit there and go, yay, every time the ball moved three yards. Well, Jacob Aimee was up here in that group definitely, I reckon. You reckon? Yeah, that's my prediction.

Well, Jacob Aimee, NFL fan. I'm going to put that out there. I think that's a good prediction. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Anything more to add to the visuals before we ask this person to stand up? Before we ask him to reveal himself?

I hope this is like Spartacus and just everyone in the crowd stands up at the same time. Yeah. Any clothing? What are we thinking? Cargo shorts? Beautiful day for the cargo shorts. Yeah, I think...

Yeah, no, I like it. We've got bearded. We've got NFL fan. We've got early 30s autistic. How does someone stand up and show autism, to be fair? Oh, you can pick them. All right, so... Right, he's going to stand up and count cards when he stands up. you can pick them. Uh. Alright. So.

Right. He's going to stand up and count cards when he stands up. Alright. Okay. Alright. Okay.

Here we go. Yeah. Jacob Amy. Jacob Amy. Reveal yourself. Are you here? Jacob Amy. Yes.

We got the beard. Yes. We got the beard. Yeah. We got the beard. The beard was good the beard! Yeah. We got the beard. The beard was good, yeah. Do you usually wear baseball hats? No.

All right. Much like Harry Littlewood with his girlfriend, we've got a beard. All right. How many hairs in your beard? Doesn't know? Okay. You like NFL?

Okay. Craft beer? Craft beer at American Barbecue? Yeah, No. Okay. You like NFL? Okay. Craft beer? Craft beer, American barbecue? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Sure. If you've got any. All right.

Cargo shorts? What's that? Jeans. Jeans, okay. Fuck, I can't believe we're taking as a win. A podcast fan has a beard. Well, we'll start somewhere. It's the first one we've done. I'm happy to call that a win. A podcast fan has a beard. Well, we'll start somewhere. It's the first one we've done.

I'm happy to call that a win. Yeah, it's a win. I'm happy to call that a victory. Let's just guess like a hundred things. If we get one thing right, it's a win. John Edward style. You have a dead grandma? Yeah.

He does. I'm so sorry. Your great, great your great great great great grandfather was a woman called Amy yeah yeah okay alright again I'll take that as a win alright thanks Jacob

thanks Jacob wow is this how we'll try and get people to future live talking Dundas? Some people will be like, fuck, I can't wait to have that experience. And everyone else will be like, fuck that. All right, push the button again. Push the button again. You got it localised?

Yeah, I've got it localised. He's pushed the button. Yeah, there we go. All right, thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Zoe Cook. Okay. Okay, what do you think? Again, I'm tipping beard. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. 12 foot African American man. That's what I'm tipping. In a wheelchair. And still 12 foot. That's a I'm tipping. In a wheelchair. And still 12 foot. That's a huge wheelchair. That's a monster truck wheelchair.

I'm feeling glasses. Oh, that's a great call. Yeah. Glasses. I'm feeling specs. Burnett? Burnett? Oh, right.

Yeah. Hang on. Did I say Zoe Cook or Thelma from Scooby-Doo? Both have glasses, right? Yeah. Burnett with glasses. Again, I feel like it's such an easy... I feel like if you tried to paint a picture of every male and every female podcast listener,

it's a guy with a beard, it's a girl with glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's go for that. Yeah. It worked last's a girl with glasses. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's go for that. Yeah. It worked last time. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure. We're not going to be able to,

we can't just do the same things for all the other names. It's a cliche for a reason. However many more there are. Yeah, yeah. It's a cliche for a reason because it generally happens. That's why a cliche exists. Yeah. Right, so you've got glasses.

Tommy, do you want to guess the weight? Fucking hell. What are you thinking? Well, I need to get a few more women in the audience to give me their weights as well, just so I can kind of work out, get a control going. I'm going to say... This is the worst carnival of all time.

We've got clowns fucking and we're guessing the weight of women in the room. And I also guessed that she had a beard. So that's again, a circus. Guess how many jelly beans up my ass is what's coming up next. I'm going to say... Just don't do it, please.

No, it was really a joke. Without seeing the person, that's fine. If they were standing in front of me and I was doing that, I'm going to say 75. 75? Yeah, tons. 75's fine. What do you weigh? I haven't weighed myself in a while But last time I checked

I was around that 75? I was I was like 70 70 70 Probably like 75 85, 86

85, 86 Yeah What are you worried? About 82 Oh okay What about you guys? I wish you hadn't have asked Because that's the only reason

He brought it up. No, no, not at all. What's everyone else playing at the moment? What are you benching just out of interest? No reason I'm asking. But that's not a good way. That's just a whatever way. That's not an impressive...

What would you like to be? You'd like to be a Zoe Cook at 75. Not a podcaster. I don't know, maybe... Well, look, maybe 82, but, like, more defined. Okay, right. So 82, but, like, mostly muscle. Bit of muscle.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'd like a bit of muscle. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I'd like to be more like Goldstone. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Without the moan. I'd like to be more like Harry Littlewood.

Just gay as fuck. Coming out every week just for the hell of it. Since 2013, you know? I wonder how many of those statuses of people go on like, yeah, mate, we know. You fucking tell us every fourth day on this page. Being your friend is exhausting. Look at him there, living it up.

Are we back to the right one now? Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. It's just... He's a good looking guy. Oh, yeah.

Squeezing your boobs. What do you think he wears? Has he written back to you yet? Oh, fuck. Good call. I'll check that. Anyway... Wait, did you notice what town he says he's from?

Pussy. He's from Pussy in France. From Pussy in France. Hell yes. Everything about him is sick. But Zoe Cook. Zoe Cook. I like it.

Brunette glasses. Thelma vibe from Scooby Doo. I think that's what we're getting. Yeah. I think that's what we're getting. Yeah. I think that's what we're getting. Oh, there's some... Interests? Do we want to go...

No, what I like is I think people are talking at the back because they're like, well, this will be pretty easy. We'll just walk around and figure out the three girls that are here and pick which one's probably her. Do we want to try and pick an interest like we did with the NFL and American Barbecue? Oh, okay, that's good. Yeah, indie rock, maybe?

90s, like a bit of Seether or a bit of not Seether, Seether's a song, isn't it? No, no, no. What era of indie are you talking about? Are you talking like Dinosaur Jr. or like... Yeah, 90s, Slater Kenny. Yeah, okay.

Oh, man, if they stand up and they're wearing a Slater Kenny. Yeah, okay. There we go. Oh, man. If they stand up and they're wearing a Slater Kenny t-shirt it would be fucking amazing. That would feel electric. I really wish

we'd reverse engineered this so we knew the answer because that would be a great... We have five plants in the audience so that we look like geniuses. Yeah, yeah.

Cut this bit out but let's do this next time. So we just pick it every time. Yeah, yeah. Alright. Alright, please Zoe. Zoe Cook, please reveal yourself. Hang on, no, that's just this next time. So we just pick it every time. Yeah, yeah. All right. All right, please, Zoe. Zoe Cook, please reveal yourself. Hang on, no, that's just someone walking out.

Someone going to the toilet. All right. Glasses? No glasses. No glasses. Damn. Why are you so happy about it? You fucked us.

We've got it all wrong. I've got a brunette head. Brunette? Oh, yeah, brunette. We'll take that. We'll take that. We'll take that. And music?

Yeah, what do you think of Slater Kinney? Oh, fuck. All right. I guess. Eurovision. Eurovision. Slater Kinney's from Europe? No.

Fuck no. I mean, they would have been there. Yeah. They would have played there. Yeah. They're probably all into it, into Eurovision. Fuck, how desperate is that? Like, the whole continent, still not.

All right. We've done it again it's a win yes we're two for two we got it we've nailed it so far we've picked a beard

and hair alright hit the big red button please on the playing tunnel alternator one more time

I turned the volume down oh now I I turned the volume down. Oh, now I'm turning the volume up. Okay, great. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Harley McDermott. Okay. What's your initial thoughts out of the gates of this one? HMAC.

HMAC. HMAC. Do you know it's catchy? It is. It just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Well, I'm annoyed that we can't use beard again. I feel like I went too early on that one. But I'm going to say,

what do you think about the concept of a moustache? Not much. Not much. For this guy? Sideburns? Sideburns? Oh, okay. Moustache and sideburns. Yeah. Mustache. Yeah, I can. For this guy. Sideburns. Sideburns. Oh, okay. Okay.

Mustache and sideburns. Yeah. Man, this is so Guess Who. As in Guess Who's wasted their money. You guys. Yeah. What was it? What about height?

What about height? Fuck. What do you got? 5'10". I'm going to say 5'10". 5'10". On the shortest, on the average, the shortest size? Yeah, it's under six foot.

Yeah. I'm thinking tall. Maybe I'm just being swayed by the only other Harley I know being Harley Breen. Oh, yes. But, you know, I've got to listen to my heart. I like it. Eight foot tall. Yeah.

I've never met a nerd called Harley, I'll be honest. Yeah. Yeah. Is it possible? Well, guess what? You're about to. No. Yeah, I've never met a nerd called Harley, I'll be honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it possible? Well, guess what? You're about to. No.

Is it possible to be a nerd called Harley? Surely you get bestowed the name Harley and it's like, fuck, it's up to me now. I can't be named after a fucking motorbike. Yeah, yeah. And get wedged. Yes. You can't do that. Yes.

The show Lost, was there a character named Harley? That was a big, big fat fuck. that's early early sorry yeah was it yeah okay Harley a Harley McDermott so what is that maybe the year in the first draft he was called Harley and they're like yeah big fat dog let's change one letter yeah yeah yeah I'm thinking tall you guys are yeah you guys are thinking like what five called Ali. It's too cool of a name. It is cool. Let's change one letter. Yeah, let's fuck it up a bit. Yeah, yeah. Give him a bad vowel. Yeah, I'm thinking tall. You guys are,

yeah, you guys are thinking like what, 5'10"? I'm thinking, that's not short, but that's average. I love you going, I'm thinking tall, I'm thinking 5'10".

No, you guys are thinking like more kind of like average height. No, no, no, I was with you when you said tall. I was like, I'm with you.

But I was thinking tall, tall, not your tall. No, no, no, I'm thinking like, you said taller. I was like, I'm with you. But I was thinking tall, tall, not your tall. No, no, no. I'm thinking like six and a half. Six and a half foot. Yeah. Oh, six and a half. I'm thinking big, big. Should we go?

I've never heard someone described as six and a half foot. Yeah. I thought you were talking dick size for a second. We're back to fucking little one. Do you mean six, six? Sure. Right. I've just never heard it described as six.

Well, I mean, I'm not going to get the tape measure out, but I think when this person stands up, you're going to go, fuck, that's a tall guy. Right, right, right. I just never have heard that measurement. Six and a half foot. Six and a half foot. Okay.

Has anyone else ever heard it? No. Oh, I'll go fuck myself then. I'm going six, two. Okay. McDermott, that's a Scottish surname? Yeah? McDermott.

What gave it away? Oh, just the Mick Dermott, that's a Scottish surname, yeah? What gave it away? Oh, just the McDermott So what? Fucking red hair Red hair? Moustache, sideburns Red hair Let's go the whole hog, top hat, monocle

Walking cane Unicycle Seven dogs Greyhound. Oh, you know what? No. Okay. Scratch everything.

I'm going big. I'm taking the long odds on this one. I reckon this is the guy who's bought my Amal and the Sniffers tickets off me. Oh. I'm not going vague descriptions. I'm going bang, that's that guy. We've gone from generalisations to whoever that cunt was I talked to before. Yeah.

Harley McDermott, big rock dog. The sort of guy that would buy my tickets half an hour ago. Yeah. Just because he's like, he missed out on tickets to the gig and he's like fanging to get down there and open up the pit. Right. I like how we only guess the weight of the lady. That's real good. All right.

Well, look. Hey, it's 2021. Guess the weight of the gentleman. What do you think? I'm going to say he's pushing 90. 90.

Push a 90. All right. Okay. 5'10", push a 90. 5'10", push a 90. So he could take all of us. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Okay. He's a little... Brick sh's a little Brick Shithouse Brick Shithouse alright is that it? if your last name's Shithouse don't call your kid Brick I think that's it

I'm happy to lock that in we've locked all whatever we said then in well this is exciting because before we were all on the same page but this time we've all got

kind of different ones going on so there's a lot more I've got a feeling all of us are going to lose yeah it'll be the speaker or something no he won't have turned up

honestly that would be perfect alright Harley McDermott reveal yourself tall what's the height what's the height 6'1

and weight 120 Jesus alright What's the height? What's the height? 6'1". And weight? 120. Jesus. All right. And do you have any interest at all in Amel and the Sniffers? Fuck. Fuck you.

Who are you? You got... Well, the beard. No, you didn't say beard. You said moustache. Part of the... And then what's the hair colour? We didn't guess hair colour. No, we said red.

Oh, did you say red? Yeah, you said red hair. I would have brought it up if I'd have fucked it as bad as you. And I guess you sort of technically do, given by having a beard, you sort of technically do have sideburns and a moustache. Yeah. Just with a bit of other shit around them as well. Yeah.

We could have you with a moustache and sideburns within like five minutes. Yeah, yeah. If we wanted to. Well, he's that desperate for the win. Can we take you into the bathroom and shave you? Strapping him down and shaving him. Wild end of the gig. Yeah.

Yeah, just so everyone can walk out and go, yeah, look, it wasn't that funny, but they were accurate. They picked some good things. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, thanks, Harley. That felt good. That felt good.

All right, so. I love the reluctant rounds of applause All right. Well, thanks, Harley. That felt good. All right. I love the reluctant rounds of applause that the people in the audience are getting just for having their names read out. Yeah, I guess. I mean, they didn't really do anything other than just be here and pay money for something, I suppose. But good for them. All right.

Well, what's the time? God, we are running a little bit late. We are running a bit late. It is getting on, and I'm sure these people have Christmas shopping to do and whatnot. And Hamill and the Sniffers chose to go to. That's very true. At least one of you.

That's very true. Whether it's you or that guy or both of you. How is it? Are we still the bid still holding up? Does anyone want to outbid that gentleman?

Anyone? Fake Harley McDermott. What was the final bid? Was it 61? Was it? Yeah, we got to 61. But you know what? I'm a good guy.

I'll do them for 60. Can we go together, Tommy? No. I do really want to go, but yeah, I don't want to risk it. So you were buying two tickets and you don't have someone to bring with you? I'm trying. You're trying. Oh, you're trying.

Okay. Are you up the back trying to message people? Quite literally, yeah. Quite literally, so not metaphorically. I'm thinking of the concept of texting people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Harley McDermott's clearly on his own if you need someone else. Are you?

Are you on your own? Yeah. Would you go if he bought the tickets? Yeah, mate. Oh, fuck. Is there any weight restrictions on the tickets? Fucking hell! Fucking hell!

120, the fattest man who's ever lived. No, you look fine. Yeah, you look good. You hold it well. Yeah. When you stood up, I thought, man, this guy's fucking put together. 120 sound. Anyway. It might be all in the hog for all we know.

Oh. Might have a dense hog. Right. The new has the big wood. Yeah. Yeah. Heavy wood. Yeah.

Yeah. All right. Well, let's just do one more so you guys can get off to your little concert. Yeah. Yeah. Heavy wood. Yeah, yeah. All right. Let's just do one more so you guys can get off to your little concert. Yeah. Yeah. Really should have. What? What's the issue?

Thinking. Oh, right. Do you want to explain to Mike what's happening? Yeah Well yeah, what the fuck? What's going on? Oh, we're just going to read one more name, that's all Okay And we're going to do it soon

This weird thing that sometimes happens when we do these Is that like the fifth name that we read out Or whatever the last name is for that word Yeah, whatever the final name It's kind of by weird coincidence It's a name that sort of relates back Yeah. Or whatever the last name is for that word. Yeah, whatever the final name is. It kind of, by weird coincidence, it's a name that sort of relates back to something that we've already been talking about. What?

Almost as if by divine intervention, like we've kind of like, not saying that this is the case, but hypothetically like we've made it up. Right, right, right. But then, yeah, but then sometimes, you know, let's say the fates, the divine creator has a hard time kind of conjuring up. The UTA.

The UTA has a hard time. There's a problem with the UTA. Yeah, the thing that controls what names are being read out has a hard time remembering things that we've talked about. Should we turn it on and off again? Yeah, mate, let's do it. Should we get Rahim or whatever his name was back on the phone? Sanjit.

Sanjit. Hey, guys. Oh, hey. Sorry, did we leave the call on the whole time we were doing the show? Maybe if you were listening, maybe you can remember anything that we talked about while we were doing this.

I can't remember shit. This has been just a blur for me. Why don't you just say Randy Clown Penis or something? Is that what you're going for? Randy Clown Penis? Something like that. You can't just do that. It's got to be something

a bit better than that. Oh, fuck. All right. I don't want him to get off that easy. Not like he's fucking a clown. Okay. No, no, sorry. It's actually just loaded up now. Here we go.

Are we ready? I think he's within 10 minutes as well in here. Oh, he's here, okay. Yeah, yeah, sure. All right, thank you very much to the final Patreon subscriber this week on our first ever live Talking Dumb Dumb. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Has A Little Comedy. Talking Dumb Dumb.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Hazalittlecomedy. Are we... Are we... Are we... Are we... Are we... No, he's not standing up. Not standing...

No, no, no. Didn't show up. He's sitting, Joe. He's probably gone early to Amel and the Snippers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably there. Yeah, okay.

Doesn't want to miss the support act. Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Okay. Alright, well thanks Hazel Little Comedy yep and thanks everyone thanks for coming down

to see Talking Dumb Dumb live big thank you to Mike Goldstein thank you any loose ends we gotta tie up? no but you've got stuff to plug Mike Goldstein no

this is my last gig for the year and I hope it's not a fucking spreader event. You have a podcast. Oh, yeah, phone hacks, whatever. Who gives a shit? Yeah, listen to phone hacks and yeah, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, everyone. You don't mean that.

No, no, Happy Hanukkah, whatever. What a selfless guy, plugging Christmas. Don't forget guys next Saturday the 25th it's going to be huge make sure you've got your presents

it's going to be a fucking massive day get the family round sign up to Santa's Patreon get into it celebrate the birth of Jesus Littlewood

everyone come on alright guys thanks for joining us thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see you mates

and they've done it again thanks very much for coming down to Talking Talking Dumb Dumb welcome our guest this week Mike Goldstein is this still going? are we still going? is this Talking Talking Dumb Dumb. Welcome our guest this week, Mike Goldstein. Is this still going?

Are we still going? Is this Talking Talking Dumb Dumb? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Haven't you ever listened before? No. Fuck no. Yeah, we should leave this bit in. That's funny. Yeah.