The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 588 - The Best of 2021

Episode Date: January 5, 2022

Here it is: our annual countdown of the best 5 episodes of the previous year, as voted for by YOU! From cancelled live shows to Zoom recordings to prohibition era-style “broadcasts” in lockdown, it was a huge year for our dumb little podcast. We’re counting down the top moments from 2021 with plenty of riffing in between. Did your favourite episode make the cut? It’s a surprising list - except of course, for Number One. As with every year, it’s VERY obvious which episode took the top spot.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode of The Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by The Little Dum Dum Club doing their big 500th live podcast in Melbourne. They're doing it again Saturday the 15th of January, 8.30pm at the Athename Theatre, the biggest show we've ever done, just a few short days to go. Get your tickets now. Carl, are you pumped up you pumped up absolutely hey the wait's been on for nearly two years now so it's finally going to happen nothing can stop us now so uh heaps of great guests confirmed biggest show we've ever done by far biggest thing in our lives ever we're going to immediately kill ourselves afterwards just to make sure that it is the biggest thing we've ever done um uh it's heaps of great guests and then kick on straight afterwards if you haven't

got your ticket yet We're going to do an after party Up at the European Beer Cafe Straight after About 10.30 11 o'clock We've got a mystery DJ Heaps of fun

Heaps of mucking around A few drinks Man It's going to be quite a night And yeah If you're one of those people That have been interstate In Australia

That wondered if you were allowed to go Unless you're from Perth Fucking come on in boys Well I were allowed to go. Unless you're from Perth, fucking come on in, boys. Well, I think you can come in if you're from Perth. You might not be able to get back, though. You just have to relocate. But it'll be worth it. It'll be worth picking up your whole life and moving to Melbourne just to come and see this one show.

So littledumbdumbclub.com for links to those. Get yourself pumped up for the 500th episode by listening to this the best of 2021 hey mates welcome into the little dumb dumb club for another week thank you very much for joining us my name is tommyolo and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. Always get so embarrassed saying that, doing that silly intro to someone who doesn't know what it's going to be about. I know, it's crazy, isn't it? Especially in front of our guests this week.

Oh, no. We better introduce them. This is it, folks. Our best of 2021 episode, as voted on by you. So don't come complaining to us if you don't like the pics in here because you created this. This is your deal. That's right.

But if you've got any sort of issues with it, you know, on public transport, next time you see someone with earbuds in, go and complain to them. Don't say, do you listen to these fucking idiots? Yes. Did you vote for this episode? Yes. Fuck you. Do that.

Do exactly that. Don't. But we didn't vote. I don't know about you, Tommy. I didn't vote. Well, I did vote. It was a donkey vote. I just pressed nothing and then I sent it in to you.

I don't know if you got that one. Oh, yeah. No, I got that one oh yeah no i got that one yeah yeah yeah you mean it do you mean like a donkey vote would be just what the the you vote for just like the first episode of the year oh no i i actually the donkey vote was i just voted for the live sydney show because like that's clearly just a waste of a vote i was just being obviously stupid. So anyone that voted for this live Sydney show, that's a donkey vote. Yeah, well, let's see. It might be maybe it came pretty high this year. We don't know yet.

We're not up for that part of the campaign yet. I don't think so. But anyway, yeah. I think I can just remove all mystery from that one, to be honest. You and I know. We know. We're sitting here with the results. But to get a bit of the theatre of radio going.

Oh, mate, I don't know. You haven't shared. You know, you've got it in the locked-up suitcase there. You've got the armour guard people in there. I'm not privy to that sort of information. Are you being serious? I sent you the clips. No, no, no.

I didn't see any of that stuff. I don't know what you're talking about. What? Is it you being serious? I didn't see any of that stuff. I don't know what you're talking about. What? Are you being serious? I didn't see any of that stuff. What the fuck? I can't wait to find out what's in the top five. Okay, well, I'm looking at my Google Drive shared history,

and okay, this is a bit. This is a very successful bit. Listen, you fuckhead, I got it. I'm just trying to keep up a bit of the theatre, you fucking idiot. Look, I'm trying to make it exciting for everyone else by me being in the studio, me being the excited one that gets to find out I'm playing the audience in this little piece. Right, right, right. Well, look, we said we weren't going to get into this.

We'll save it for next week. But I have an incredible fever at the moment and I am finding it very hard to riff. I'm sure it's nothing, Tommy. There's nothing going around at the moment. I'm sure you're fine. I'll tell you what it is, little dum-dum fever. Thank you to everyone who voted in this. You've got podcast fever.

Podcast fever. I will say this year, most other years, pretty much every other year that we've done this, there's been like a handful of ones that have really pulled away and had a significant chunk of the votes. That was not the case this year. It was a pretty even spread all the way through the top ten. There weren't any like monster, monster, monster runaway episodes,

which I think maybe speaks to a bit of a consistent quality across the year. Or maybe we didn't do many good ones that people went, oh, that's definitely a good one. Well, that's what I mean, a consistent quality across the year. I didn't say a consistently good quality. Oh, I don't. It's consistently mediocre quality across the year. Yeah.

I did, I'd have to say, I did quickly look at all the episode names and I was like, oh, yeah, I don't know. Nothing jumps out at me. I'm not sure. What's the obvious ones this year? There's no crazy obvious ones. But having said that, look, now that you've dispelled the myth that I don't know what's coming up, I did listen to these clips coming up and I did listen to them all and went,

fuck, these are good. These are really good. I forgot how good these were. I felt like at the very least this year being plunged back into doing more Zoom stuff, listening back to some of the ones of those episodes, I felt like we, by the end of it, we'd gotten pretty good at Zoom. I think that's one thing that you can say. You know what I mean?

Like last year, I think maybe we were muddling, or sorry, 2020, I should say, we were muddling through it a bit more. Yeah, I had to listen through to some of the clips over Zoom for this, and it didn't make me want to kill myself, which I was like, you know what? Yeah, if nothing else, we've gotten a little bit better at recording remotely. So that's a pretty good outcome as far as I'm concerned. And just to make it the perfect best of 2021, we're recording this on Zoom as well, which may be connected to that fever that you have at the moment.

Yeah, yeah. Well, this is like a little throwback to, you know, we spent so much of the year podcasting on Zoom that it felt kind of disingenuous to be recording the best of in the same room. It didn't feel like true to life. And you're pretending you have this fever just to sort of sum up 2021. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a bit of a character piece. Yep, yep.

So should we get into the first cab off the rank, the number five? Sure. Yeah the number five. Sure. Yeah, number five. Do the honors, Tommy, because I've changed it back again. I don't know anymore. Oh, okay. Now I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. I've rejigged the character. I'm now playing the Carl Chandler that doesn't know what's coming up. And I can't wait. Tommy, what's it up and i can't wait tommy what this is number five episode 579 limo and danny mcginley now of course this was a uh immediate follow-on from the what we talked about in the week before it you set this story up you told a story about going to the pub uh with a bunch of people the day after the lockdown

had ended in melbourne and danny mcginley trying to bring his child along uh the story got a bit of traction and this was an immediate right of reply episode the week after that's right we did talk about it with andy landmark goldstein um then we got mcginley straight back in to tell his side of the story after i ditched him from the big catch-up Because he was bringing his kid along And caused a lot of debate It was a real FM radio It really was

Sort of a subject It was, wasn't it? We should have had call-in people But look, hey I got I listened back to it I was like, yeah, fuck, this is good. I can understand why people would vote for this.

This is interesting. There's a few episodes. Well, there's at least two episodes in this countdown that are basically the same thing where hard to get a clip out of because the whole episode is basically one long thing. So, yeah, if you listen to this episode in its entirety, it is just this debate for an entire hour. But I think this clip gives you a little taster of what's going on. It was kind of hard to just pluck one little bit of detail out.

But, yeah, I think this kind of speaks for itself. All right, take it away, Tommy. This is the trial of the century. Here it is, your number five. So to be clear here, Danny, seven days out, in your head after that text exchange, did you think to yourself, Carl's going to be totally fine if I bring my daughter,

or did you think, oh, Carl's going to get totally fine if I bring my daughter or did you think Carl's going to get fucking shitty if I turn up with my daughter or thirdly does it matter what Carl thinks what about everyone else

and just the common sense thing of bringing your kid to the pub on the first day at the pub what do you think kids do at the pub by the way

she sits in the corner plays on her iPad and we ignore her I'm not worried about what she... But what are we doing? We're at the pub. You can't...

Go fucking kicking off. You say kick off. That's fine. She's seen us do that. She's been at pubs. She's been at footy games. This is a good point. Yeah.

She's... You know, you can talk about bumming each other because she doesn't know what that means. Look, I did... I did... Look, Milan... Milan... All right, we need to verify that somehow We need to get into that

I'll call my daughter right now So how was your weekend? Well Comes Walks into this room Me and Limo having anal sex And Danny's standing there going What are they doing?

What's this? Do you know what this is? Yeah Bumming? So God damn it So then we go Let's go a week into the future then

Let's go to the night before Yes The pub Christmas Eve Yes Freedom Eve Okay So as it stands on the eve of the catch up

To your mind Bringing your daughter is madness And you feel as though you're I've barely even remembered that And you feel as though you're... I've barely even remembered that because I've... And you feel as though that's been established by your reply. I've barely remembered he said that because I'm like, well, of course he won't do that. And you're thinking in your head...

Do you know what I was thinking, Lima? Because we have our... What is it? Podcast called They Came to Play. We had to record on that Thursday. Correct. Which would be more annoying for me to bring my daughter to that. So I went, okay, all right, we've got Friday, pub.

Yep, she's great at the pub. So I'll use up my babysitter credits so I can record the podcast and I was doing something else on Wednesday, work-related, that I couldn't bring her to. Used up all my babysitter credits because Friday, all good, we're taking her to the pub, she's going to be well behaved. Bingo, bango. I see. I would have, if I would have said, bring her to my house,

I can sit her in front of Bluey for an hour. Yes, exactly. While we were talking. Now, I got that excuse the night before going, I've used up my babysitter credits. It's like, what are you using them on if you're taking her to the pub? Are you using them when you're going to a brothel the night before? Like, what's...

1201. They're open. Finally. What's more necessary for... Thank you, Dictator Dan. Finally, I can come. That's what I want to see. Instead of politicians drinking beers when lockdown breaks,

I want to see them at the local knock shop. Sure, you can wank it home in lockdown, but it's just better out of the tap. Yeah. I want to see them at the local knock shop. Sure, you can wank it home in lockdown, but it's just better out of the tap. Oh, God, I've missed this.

My mate wanted to bring his daughter. I said, that's not appropriate. Yes, exactly. And then he said, oh, God. I was a madam in that situation the next day. So anyway, you may have erred in your judgment there, but anyway, it's happened. So the night before I get the message,

oh, so I'm bringing my daughter, and me going, what the fuck? What are you talking about? Now, let's check the records for this. Let's check the records. Hang on, so we're on the Friday morning now? Thursday night. Thursday night. Thursday night.

So are you texting just to confirm that tomorrow's happening? He did. Carl did. So Carl texts you to say, hey, all good for tomorrow. Yes. Okay, here it is. Sorry, before you read that. By the way, the stenographers killed themselves in this court session at this point.

How do you type for crosstalk? I don't get it. Before you read that, when you sent this, in your head were you thinking, I'm going to send this just to make sure he doesn't bring that fucking kid to the pub? No. Like I said, the kid was gone from my memory. I've assumed that's not going to happen. Danny touches base to just confirm this is what I'm doing tomorrow, right?

No, no. Oh, you touch base just to remind him that we're going to the pub. Okay. And there's been no chatting in this text thread in between? Allow me to read for you here. Okay, let's go right back to the top. 15th October, 1744. Got a big table booked for next Friday midday at Mountview Hotel

in Bridge Road for lunch and beers in? It's open next Friday. Carl, it will be, yeah. Me. Yes, I'm in. I may want, it's open next Friday. Carl, it will be, yeah, me. Yes, I'm in. I may have to bring child's name. Thanks for posting that in the group, by the way, Carl. You fucking hypocritical cunt.

I didn't know everyone else does the secret thing. Well, I'm just doing it because you do it. I'll give her a fake name. What's Cody's kid's name? I'll bring Charlie. Yeah, but what about your kid? There's another reason why the kid shouldn't be there if you bring that. Thursday afternoon, 300 bucks from the ATM.

Thank you very much. I may have to bring... Vera is her name. I may bring Vera. Objection. But I'll also bring an iPad. Oh, God. Then I respond with, this is still the original conversation.

Do you mean an iPad for her to watch or an iPad as a gift to Carl? Allowing this to happen. Not bad. I say to him, this is still the original conversation. This has blown my mind. I thought this was two, three weeks away. You've put me in such a good mood. Carl says, I did it

just for you. Rooftop. No, I respond, this is why I love you. Anyway, that's just a point. No response. I'm not sure why we've revisited that. Is that a pet name thing? No, no, no. Rooftop? No, no. That's what he calls me. Rooftop of the Mountain View Hotel. There is a

small interaction on the 19th of October. Midday Friday, right? Carl, yes, me. Exciting. That's all. Play on. 21st of October.

All good for tomorrow. Carl, all good for tomorrow. No kids, right? Oh, okay. I have one. It has been planned. It has. It's been on your mind. So you're aware that you've needed to follow up the old guy.

You know what I think it was? I think I went to remind you, then saw the above message and went, oh, I better confirm. Okay. All right. I say, got to bring a kid. I'll also bring an iPad, so she'll be fine. Carl, got rid of the O here.

It's just God. I say, sorry, bloke. Okay. That's 5.25 p.m. The night before. Yep. All he said is God. Yep.

So he says God, and you apologise. Yeah, I apologise for the minor inconvenience. So are you acknowledging that he's got a point? Oh, yes, that's what I'm saying. No, I'm acknowledging that he's being irrational. I'm sorry you're like this. Yeah, that's pretty much what I meant. Because in law, as I understand it, a lot of companies have policies

where they say never apologise because an apology is an omission of guilt. Very nice. Thank you. I love having a lawyer that's the judge. I'm not a lawyer. I'm really playing both sides. I'm trying to work out which one of you I should get to try on a glove at some point. Right, right, right.

Because if the glove don't fit, you must acquit. Acquit, yeah. You must. Do you know one of the worst t-shirts I ever saw was a guy in Los Angeles that said,

if the dick don't quit, if the dick don't fit, you must acquit free Kobe. What? The dick don't fit, Because he was accused of sexual assault.

Kobe? Kobe Bryant. Oh, right. So it was all about, you know, he's got of sexual assault. Kobe Bryant. Oh, right. So it was all about, you know, he's got a massive dick. Anyway, one of the worst things I've ever seen. Not helping your case. Okay. 22nd of October.

This is on the day, 8.22am. I'm about to take my son to school. More than three and a half hours away from go time. Yeah, plenty of time. We've woken up to Freedom Day in Melbourne. Yeah, thinking this is great. Used up my babysitter credits. All good.

It's a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining. First bit of good weather we've had in a long time. Spirits are absolutely soaring. Limo's probably already four pints deep by this point. I was blind at 9am. Carl, I asked if we could have another person And they're at capacity so they said no

So sorry buddy all good if you can't make it then I go she's gonna sit on my lap Carl it's another person Me here's where I get angry Fuck man you tell me this on the day This is fucked Carl you only told me last night You want to bring her so not really my fault

I like that when you act out your own lines, you're really going for it, and then, Carl, you're reading out like he's a robot. That's good acting, I thought. Sorry, Danny. I like that you're not reading into what I'm putting out there. No, you're not... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I don't want to put emotions in your mouth. Carl saying, you only told me last night you wanted to bring her. I screenshot the message where I said... Classic move. Classic move. Can I say though, listening back to this whole... No, it's just ag. Yeah, it's all...

No, it's nothing. What's more pass ag? What's more pass ag, the screenshot or the reply? Now you can go and reply to something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Actually, I think that's what I did actually. I did the reply. Can I say that reply to something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I think that's what I did, actually. I did the reply. Can I say, listening to this whole thread,

you two are like the biggest couple of fucking nannies. Like, what a sad attempt to catch up together. Like, normally this is one text. This whole thing happens to one sent, one reply, done. We're about 35 text messages deep here and we still don't know what the fuck's gonna happen but this but this is classic where it's like you know you're in lockdown for three months and you're like god i just i just can't wait to get out there yes hang out with friends again go to the pub and then it's like something happens the night before

i think a lot of people would have this experience like you make a booking and someone gets left out and you're like fuck me it's really got to be this hard after three months? It's got to be this stressful? I should have gone early. I shouldn't have gone, oh God, I'll know better. I should have gone straight with the fuck up. Thank you. Because this could have nipped everything in the bud. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've read too much into the oh God. If you'd been more emphatic at the start, although to be fair, I did feel as though the message was not clear, but it was clear. Oh, that's great that you walk away having learnt the lesson of, I've got to be more aggressive. Oh no, what have we done?

I'd actually softened over lockdown, so I'm back, baby. You pack of cunts. Now, just to pick up on Tommy's passive-aggressive point, there is one very passive-aggressive text in amongst all that, and it's Carl's. Oh, is it?

Well, to be fair, his is all aggressive. His is aggressive. Danny's aggressive, but yours is passive-aggressive, where you say, well, if you can't... All good if you can't come. I know, I know. That's like two fucking fingers going, fuck. Yeah, someone rushing straight to that is like

when you're trying to negotiate or whatever. And someone just immediately is like, guess what? I don't give a fuck if you're there or not. Straight out of the door. Are we still at about nine o'clock in the morning here? Yeah, we're still at 8.30. Okay, so you've screenshot that or attached the report. I've responded to that with that.

And then what's the defendant come back with? Well, I've said, you know, I may have to bring Vera, so I have to bring an iPad, report I've responded that with that and then what's the defendant come back with well I've said I may have to bring Vera so I have to bring an iPad and I've said this message dated 15th of October

and Carl said Carl's pointed out that I only said may have to bring her good point Carl well and I respond to it but no response from you

that that would be an issue until the day yep yep are we going to keep going or not? And you said, I assumed common sense would prevail. Good point, Carl. Just drop her at Yorello's Neighbours Whatever.

On fucking Freedom Day, where everyone has plans already, and I had plans up until three minutes ago. So, okay, is that the end of the exchange? Unless you want to just go into me and call me no then I said then I said

you know I used all my babysitting credits yesterday so I could get all my work done so today would be totally free been excited about this all week let me know if someone pulls out

I'm so fucking disappointed yeah and then just didn't go the insult because I knew he would fucking crack it for that and then oh I would crack it interesting so and then what was my response after that you didn't go the insult because I knew he would fucking crack it for that. I would crack it. Interesting.

And then what was my response after that? You didn't respond. There was no response. You're right because I read that and went, you know what? Your freedom day is fucked. I'm not going to let this fuck my freedom day. Oh, good. I'm so glad I didn't inconvenience you.

So that just fills me with joy. I mean, it's a real Sophie's Choice, isn't it? My head's been filled with McGinley's disappointment too much. This is going to wreck my day at the pub with no kids. I knew you felt fucking bad. I knew you did. But then once I stopped going back and forth with you, I'm like, oh, fuck, this feels a lot better.

Oh, cool, yeah, you car-mentalize. Car-mentalize? Car- cool yeah you car-mentalite car-mentalite car-mentalite it just went yeah I'm gonna block out this pain for today yeah you were just like okay so it's like the you know we were leaving from a fire and I'm like running behind you going keep the door open keep the door

open and he slams it shut in my face and then he gets he he just like, I'm there screaming, burning to death. And he goes, wow, this is really bringing me down. I think I might put my headphones in. Calmentalising is where you put aside all the positive things about someone and just focus on what it can't be.

That's calmentalising. I've got to do some calmentalising. It's a good name for a festival show, calmentalising. Hey, so how did you at this point so you don't reply how are you feeling at this stage

oh look that's what I'm saying I'm starting to feel bad about it but I'm like I can't let this keep happening the robot feels emotions

I can't Carl by the way 26 minutes you're absolutely right I'm sorry for doubting you thank you so when you so you obviously

you're not replying to Danny. I'm feeling bad for his choices. That's why I'm feeling bad. Oh, so you're feeling bad for him? Yeah, yeah. I'm feeling bad for his choices. I'm like, man, I feel bad for him fucking up with the whole babysitter choice. If only he'd gone back and made the right choice.

This is like just before this, your lawyer was going, I really don't think you should take the stand. I think we've got to keep you away from the jury because there's no way they're going to ruin your favour once you start talking. Should I call some witnesses? Should I call some of the people? Should I call some witnesses?

Some of the people that were coming to the pub that day who I hit up before all this happened going, look, McGinley wants to bring his kid. What do you think about that? And a universal reply of, fuck no, do not let this happen. Should I bring those witnesses in? You can, but I'll... Hang on.

So when were you sending these texts out? The night before. You fucking cunt! You absolute dog fuck! Fuck you! Thank you, Levi. And they've done it again. Oh, like Roe versus Wade, an absolute abortion of an episode. Yes.

So, look, it was – I don't think I've ever heard any of us on this show ever care about something as much as this. There was a real investment with all that, wasn't there? Yeah, I thought Danny played it really well. It was great having Limo in the judges' seat. I loved having Limo on the judges' seat, but very clearly on my side as well. It was like, don't you do a podcast with Mick Inlation? You sort of be leaning towards him.

It was like, I felt like I was Trump and I'd appointed my own judge. It was fucking great. I can't remember if it's in the clip or not, but there's a bit where Limo's talking about, he's like, yeah, you know, if I bring my kid to the pub, I'm just not having a good time. I just can't enjoy myself if my kid's around. Listening back to it, I was like was like man that's brutal yeah but i don't know again it's a rough thing to say in public it's very clearly coming from a man who has a live-in nanny so yes yes uh but yeah a lot of fun and like you said inspired a ton of debate on the socials

and i'm sure we'll be uh, maybe this will reignite it. Maybe some people have reconsidered their stance after a summer of social activities with kids at pubs and whatnot. I would have to say I did listen back to it, and I was a bit more on Danny's side once I listened back to it again. I was like, oh, yeah, maybe it was a little bit harsh. But I'm not – Outside of the fog of like it being the first day out of lockdown.

Yes. It's sort of – it's a completely different scenario, yeah. That's it. That's it. That was riding very, very high on the front of my brain when that was all – when those decisions were being made. But – and, yeah, to be honest, the very next time I went to the pub, I met up with a bunch of

mates and brought my kid along was the only kid there great they're like oh fucking well well well yeah i sort of get it now actually yep yep yep it comes for us all uh but yeah number five all right now we have to get into the number four clip for 2021. Oh, my God. I can't wait, Tommy. I didn't pick that one, and I can't pick this one either. I cannot wait. What could it be?

Could it be one of the live Koh Samui episodes, or is it the one with Charlie Murphy on it? Yep. Which episode could it be? It is. This year? I can't remember. Yeah, Charlie Murphy on it? Yep. Which episode could it be? It is. This year? I can't remember. Yeah, Charlie Murphy.

Charlie Murphy, he's got a residency. He's on once a month. Last step of the month, every month. Right. So I should be more specific. Which one? Yeah, yeah. Well, kind of speaking of that, yeah, number four, episode 533, Greg Larson and Danielle Walker.

Wow. Man, yeah. People love the Danielle Walker episodes. She's got those fucking family stories up her sleeve. Danielle was on the show four times this year, and all four of those episodes were in the top ten. Oh, wow. So she's had a big year on the pod. And, in fact, yeah, she's obviously very popular every time she's on.

But, yeah, it was funny to think about because it's often we in this ep, we are having trouble remembering what stories she's told us and what ones she hasn't. So the idea of someone having to really sit down and go, now, which of the Danielle episodes was my my favorite this year do you know what i mean four in the top 10 she's like she's michael jackson thrilled it she's yes yeah nothing but bangers off her uh off her 2021 album yeah so this is uh this clip i picked some um i picked some of the the family family history classics that she mentions at the end of the episode. Earlier in the episode, we do a taste test of the Yumbo.

Oh, yes. Because of a little gig that we're obsessed with that is still yet to happen. The live gig at Hungry Jack's. I feel like we were talking about this for pretty much all of 2021. We're excitedly thinking that it was going to happen at some point. Yep. Just like on par with the 500th episode of this show. Yep.

So, yeah, Yumbo comedy. Keep an eye out for that. But, yeah, enjoy this clip. Number four, Greg Larson and Danielle Walker. All right, let's hear warts. Okay. It's my Nana's favorite story to tell. So you're covering this?

Yeah, she walks out to the garden and she'll tell you about how all her plants are going currently and then about this one particular plant, she'll just always tell you the same story every time, even though you've heard the story a million times. She'll be like, and that's the wart plant? And I call it the wart plant because when I was 16, I was getting ready for my debutante ball and I felt so beautiful in my dress. And then I looked down at my hand.

And on my pinky finger, I just had this horrible wart. And I just thought to myself, you're not beautiful with that wart. You can't wait for this to come back as a flower somehow. So what I did is I just got my fingernails. And I just dug in. I just dug in around the wart. And I just pulled and pulled and pulled until, do you know warts have roots?

And the blood, it just sort of, it went all over my dress and my dress was ruined. But I just threw it in a plant that looked just like that. So that's why I call that plant the wart plant. Oh my God. I think the good thing about bringing out the yumbo is it gives a bit of like, it puts it all into perspective. It's like that's the second most disgusting thing that we've heard on the show after the experience of the yumbo.

You know what I mean? Yeah, but I really wish I hadn't eaten the yumbo and then heard these stories. Yeah, I'm sure all the stories today are quite disgusting, aren't they? It's just nice to hear one where an animal hasn't been fucking savagely murdered. Well, the pigs and the cane toad. The pigs, the cane toad, the frog. And then finally all that happened was an old woman's wart getting just disintegrated. You see, the thing is, because this is another one that I think you have told me that one in our personal lives.

And I feel like hearing your stories the first time are always so exciting because you don't know what's going to happen and hearing them the second time there's just so much dread like it's just so much as that was being told your head was in your hands you're just rubbing your temple i remember i remember i remember i know what's happening please don't do it don't do it this going to be like the roller coaster for Danielle, but for you it's like I had this weird dream where I did a podcast and I heard these disturbing stories. For me, all these stories are like a lovely thing

that I just think to remember my family. I'm like, oh, I love my Nana. I love hearing the wart story. Tell me it again, Nana. Yeah. I can't wait for you. I'm sorry, this sounds bad, but when your family members die and you're doing a eulogy and you're picking these ones out

to tell in front of a lot of people. Yeah. You're killing up there. What other ones are there? It's like, well, aliens. Yeah. Yowies, bunyips. What if...

Oh, my granddad did... Hmm, no. No. Oh, now we know it's a good one. yeah we's bun yips what if what oh my granddad did hmm no oh now we know it's a good one yeah exactly wow we don't know the wart was good to tell but well we found one that's no good i was just thinking we went me and jonah went out for like a anniversary dinner we went to like a fancy restaurant in sydney and um like you know one of those ones that's like real, like real expensive and we're sitting there and we got some sort of thing. It was like a bit of organ or something and like a bit of organ.

A bit of organ at a fancy restaurant. It was like some organ dish. Knee or liver or. Yeah. Right, right. And then I started talking about how like. I like, this is the bit because I'm like, you know, you tell these stories before and you're the outsider going, how weird is this?

And all of a sudden you're not that far away from it. You're in a fancy restaurant going, I've got a bit of organ. Yeah, this reminds me of the farm. Well, I started telling on her dinner. I was like, oh, I used to love when Grandad would, like, gut the pigs and we'd, like, he'd do it in one stroke and they'd all fall out. Just picturing, like, candlelit candlelit, soft piano in the background. John was in a tuxedo.

And I was like, yeah, Grandad would let me pull all the organs apart. And they were all so beautiful and colourful. And he'd let me name them and then I'd get to like... Name the organs? Yeah, I'd be like... I wasn't like Stephanie. I was like... Name the organs? Yeah, like he'd be... I'd be like... What? I wasn't like Stephanie. I was like...

I was like kidney, large intestine. Larger. I'd like do that and put them in the bucket, and then we'd cut them open and check them for worms and stuff. And I'd just like... Would you name the worms? You're not going to not name them. It's just like you and me.

They deserve names. And I thought I was telling quite a nice story about me and my granddad bonding and learning all these things from him. And John, I was like, can you stop talking about this? People can hear you. Because I was getting quite animated If you haven't seen a kidney Fresh from the body

The colour I mean that would be a clean break Breaking up on the anniversary dinner Because then it's like People going How long were you together? Exactly five years To the day

Yeah And then from then on Every time you see a kidney, you go, oh, that's the breakup organ. I've got a story about why I call it the breakup organ. All right, so what about rooster? We've still got stories. God, I thought we'd gone through all of them.

The rooster was, I think I've talked about how my granddad has genetically engineered these humongous chickens before. It doesn't ring any bells to me. And that sort of thing should. I think I've talked about how my granddad has genetically engineered these humongous chickens before. Have I mentioned? It doesn't ring any bells to me. Okay. And that sort of thing should. Well, I think my granddad's into eugenics, a bit like Hitler. Right, yeah.

This is the same one that believes in aliens and everything. Yes. The other one is quite boring. Oh, really? He's into pineapples, growing pineapples in his garden. Right. And roses. He's also dead.

So there's less to go off. As boring as you can be. Grandad for years has been like breeding the biggest chickens with the biggest roosters until we've got like this master race, like the eggs. I was going to say master race. I know I shouldn't ask this, but what's happening to the ones that aren't so big? Well, they get given

to somebody else. Right. There's a man down the road who takes them. He's got heaps of guinea fowls and stuff. The old man down the road. Some fucking loser

who's happy to have a medium-sized chicken. Brenda takes the little chickens out the back and just fucking stamps them. They get shipped away also the smallest ones aren't small

they're like big for a regular chicken right it's hard to have a metaphor for killing like an animal when you already live on the farm

like you can't go we've sent this to a farm we're on a farm nobody's using the metaphor on the farm right no time for metaphors on a farm

once I walked out recently grandad's eyesight's been going a bit, and he was welding, and I was like, what you making? And he was like, cow killer. Because it's like a thing for the cow to walk into so that it can't move, so he can just walk up to it and sort of hold the gun to its head, so it's a one clean shot.

You're acting like that's a sad thing. That's actually like a really nice thing to do for the animal. Yeah. Because it's just one clean shot at a stand. Someone does it for me one day. Honestly. Trap me and put a bullet in my head. Please God.

Trap me in a cage and put a bullet in me. Any Greg killer. Yeah. Give me a yumbo to distract me. To sedate you. That's nice. He's got a little hobby. He's got something to keep him busy.

Make him a little cow killer. Yeah, he's got lots of things to keep him busy. Once he built an A-frame rotisserie for pigs. So when we cook the pig over the fire, it's like powered by a whippersnapper motor and the pig rotates by itself. What if he rotated really fast? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not cooking. Not enough on any side to cook at all. You need a pig to cut the grass. He hasn't hooked it up to the bit that spins. He's just using the motor. You can make it go whatever speed you want. Okay, good. Would that even still work physically?

If you spin something that quick in front of fire, does it still cook? I don't even know. Well, it goes slow. He's made it work. It's actually quite beautiful to watch. Just the neighbours on a Sunday morning, another fucking Walker family, always firing up the pig rotisserie at 8am on a Sunday when they're trying to sleep in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, whenever you see them. And then he gets out the pig blower, just trying to try and blow all the pigs off the lawn. It's like, do it after lunch. You're just moving them around. You're just not fixing anything. Don't blow the pigs onto our lawn. You know, whenever you see a roast pig in a movie, they've always got the legs sort of bent in and tucked in.

Grandads are not tucked in, so they're just sort of directly straight out. Not very compact. Yeah, because they've gone through like, you know, they've been hung up to like hang overnight and stuff to bleed out and all that. I don't reckon I've ever been closer to becoming a vegetarian right now. Never? It doesn't sound great.

The two vegan listeners we've got are hating this. I'm very sorry. Yeah, I've got some issues because I obviously was around it so I don't feel anything. Absolutely, sure. Yeah, yeah, makes sense. I'm sorry if I'm brutally describing it. I don't feel anything.

Casually, so yeah, so I don't feel anything or anything. Even you wouldn't bite into the yumbo. I got tricked into, I got given a pig's snout instead of an icy pole once, so I'm dead inside. And they've done it again. Oh, they've done it again.

Bernie must have a sore toe. Man, the great thing about Danielle bringing her stories on the show is, you know, I thought I had weird stories from living in a small country town. And then she comes in with this bullshit. Like, I feel like when I'm listening to her, I feel like I'm you listening to me. Like, that's the closest I can get to that. But the difference is, is that you bring stories in going like, oh, here's this weird thing that happened.

Whereas most of hers are just like, the weirdest things she tells are just like the side note things where she's just like, oh, yeah, and then this happened. Like she doesn't even think anything of them. Like she's so deeply embedded in this fucked up world that the stuff that she's about to just kind of leave by the wayside, she's like, oh, I guess maybe that is kind of weird. Huh. I legit get nervous when she comes on because I'm like,

I get scared. I'm like, I get scared. I'm like, what if this is, what if it's all gone? What if it's dried up? What if we've got all of it? Yeah. It really, yeah, it really did surprise me to realize, I mean, all the time of this year feels so weird. But the fact that she was on four times this year, I would not,

I did not remember that. That is, that's a lot of times in one year. That is year that is they do not feel like they've all been in the last 12 months yeah it has been a long year it is very you know you know what you know what we're doing right now it's about you know it's holiday season around about now it's obviously the end in start of the year um and you know everyone always goes oh i don't know what day it is because you're in this you know time of the year where days aren't important or whatever. It's kind of been like that for the whole of 2021. So it feels like the whole year's been that between Christmas and New Year period where it's like, well, what's fucking anything?

Who cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I'd say it's been that way for the last two years. I said to someone last night, I started re-watching The Last Dance, that Michael Jordan doco. Oh, yeah. Because my girlfriend had never watched it.

I'd watched it and I was like, yeah, I'll re-watch it with you watching it for the first time. And my friend was like, that's pretty quick for a re-watch. I'm like, it's nearly two years ago that it came out. And they were like, fuck, you're right. Oh, you're right. Because remember that was like the very start of the pandemic and it was kind of this like just a great thing to be coming out

around that time while everyone's inside and having something kind of communal to all watch at the same time. My friend was like, fuck, it genuinely feels like it was just out yesterday, but fuck, it is two years now, isn't it? It is really poor timing for Peter Jackson to only bring out Get Back Now. Like if that had kicked off at the start of the pandemic, it would be like, fuck, a Beatles-led pandemic. Peter Jackson only bring out Get Back Now. Like, if that had kicked off at the start of the pandemic, it would be like, fuck, a Beatles-led pandemic.

Yeah, they would have been the soundtrack of the pandemic if that had come out when The Last Dance did. That's a good point. But, look, a quick shout-out while we're talking about stuff of that. Big thanks to everyone out there who supports the show, who enjoys the show, who enjoys the show, who listens to the show, especially our Patreon subscribers who make it all happen. And look, we probably talked about it last year,

but especially in the last two years, given the pandemic, given our lack of income from other formats, live podcasts, live stand-up, that sort of thing, has been a real boon to us to be able to make a living off the podcast during the pandemic and that's because of you guys especially um you stepped it up during the pandemic because i guess you a you thought these poor cunts and b you thought we just need more content so um big thanks to everyone who did that thanks to everyone who just listens anyway but you know fucking chip it chip a bit in we're you know we're not we're not out of this yet we could do with a bit more um yeah there's uh

there's two bonus eps that go up uh every week on the feed we're at nearly 200 of them now there's so many there great guests on them lots of fun uh so yeah if you're not on there yet you are you are missing out you are missing out on heaps of good premium content. At the very least, come to one of the live shows. We've got a, you know, hopefully, God willing, we've got a big calendar of live shows coming up in 2022, coming to most, if not all, capitals and states and stuff like that. At the very least, if you just listen and couldn't give a fuck about any of that, pass it on to your mates. Grow us, you know, pass it on to a mate who might be a massive tight ass like you. If you've got a billionaire mate,

you know, send it off to fucking Jeff who runs Amazon, et cetera. You're a first name basis with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He never mentioned his last name when I met him.

He just said, you know, he's like Trump, like Trump did with Tim Apple. I just call him Jeff. Right, right, right. Jeff Amazon. Yeah.

Right. All right. Well, that brings us to clip number three in this year's best of. Oh, what is it, Tommy? I can't wait. As voted by you, episode number 573, Harley Breen and Brett Blake. Oh, now this is the first one out of, you know, look, it's easy to say the first one out of lockdown.

The first one out of many lockdowns, but I believe we, yeah, no, we were still sort of in a partial lockdown when we did this, but this was the first time we got to, we were allowed to, under this weird broadcasting rule that was around for a couple of weeks, we were allowed to go and meet someone and record and we used, we went to Spleen, Spleen Bar at at the top of Bourke Street in Melbourne, big friend of the show. And we went up there and we were able to meet with mates and record the show for the first

time in months and months and months. Yes. You could have up to five people in a venue if it was for a broadcast, which I still don't quite understand who that rule was really for, what the intended practical application of it was. I'm also yet to really hear of anyone else taking advantage of it in any way. I really don't care.

I don't care what it was for. But it meant that we got four weeks of doing this in bars and being off Zoom and it felt fucking great. And not only that, but we did have that rule where you were allowed to have five people in there. So it was me and you and then in this instance, Harley and Brett. And then there was one more person.

So as soon as we found out, I did talk to a friend of the show, Milan, and I said, do you want to come along? And you can, like, record it for us or film it for us or whatever it is. And he's like, oh, I got really excited because it's the first time you can go to the pub. And then after a couple of days, I realized this is not a good idea to have, like, you know, Milan involved in this first time we get to go to a pub for ages. He could get us into trouble. He's going to do something fucked in the head.

He's going to go crazy. He's going to do something fucked in the head. He's going to go crazy. He's going to be way too excited and do something fucking insane. And so then I just went back to him and went, oh, I talked to the bar and they won't allow you in. Oh, you did the Danny McGinley's kid trip? Yes. Sorry, mate. Too many people.

Yes, I did it. I did it to Milan and he was so angry about it. But the thing is I palmed it all off to Spleen. No one tell Milan this, but he's so furious at Spleen to this day about it. Like whenever Spleen's involved in conversation, we go past or whatever, he's like, fuck that place. Yeah, they didn't do that. It was me.

It was actually me that did that. Sorry, Milan. But no one passed that on to him. Joel was pretty by the book in there. So I do feel like even if you had have turned up with Milan, even if you hadn't have pulled the pin, I don't think Joel would have been too rapt about having him in there. He probably would have told him to get fucked then to his face,

which would be worse. You're right. It didn't get to that point. But, yeah, so he's unnecessarily angry at Spleen. But he should be necessarily angry at me. Yes. But in any case, yeah, this was a lot of fun. We were back in the room for the first time in three or four months

or something like that. This episode, I believe, well, yeah, the reason it's in this countdown and the reason it's so high up is because of Blakey telling a long, this countdown and the reason it's so high up is because of Blakey telling a long, long story about a Coles cash heist that he pulled in Perth when he was a youngster. Obviously, yeah, it takes up most of the episode, so it's too long to include it here. So I've just kind of included a bit of the start of the episode as a bit of a taster. You get that early vibe of us just fucking soaking up the manic energy of four mates in the same room again.

But, yeah, go back and listen to this full episode and hear Blakey's Coles Cash heist story. But until then, as a little taster, here it is, number three, Harley Breen and Brett Blake. Number three, Harley Breen and Brett Blake. I forgot how manic the first IRL pod after Zoom was, but somehow there's more cross-talking than there is on the internet. Everyone revved up and just shouting over the top of each other. I've just been trained by my three children,

which is what it feels like right now. Hurtful, but true. My nappy needs changing. I did a cummy before we started. You came in your nappy. I came in my nappy. It's a real horny baby. This is really fucking me up.

I did a cummy in my nappy. But you, Harley, I called you yesterday, and you were in here like a bat out of hell. Three kids in lockdown. You couldn't have been more excited. Meanwhile, we've got Brett Blake, partner trapped in another country, bouncing around the walls of his house. You two could not be

at more opposite ends of the spectrum. But I feel like we're still doing both the amount of heavy drinking. One appropriate, and for me, not so much. I wait until the kids go to bed for their morning nap. And then I really hog him. When I chloroform him out in the lounge room

so Daddy can get the job done. You're chloroforming yourself, to be fair. Brett's on his sixth wank of the day by then. Yeah, it's 9am. What else? Of course, baby. You told us before that you're actually cutting down in this lockdown Your partner's away, you've been in the house by yourself This is your time to shine

Look, if anyone's shocked by this, it's me Maybe it's old age I'm so much an alcoholic now My dick doesn't even want to get up So you're going to start taking Viagra So you can get back to 10 wanks a day? No, I took Viagra as a joke just to see if it would work, but all it did was give me a real red face.

So, yeah, I won't be taking any Viagra. Did you? I took it as a joke just to see if it would work. Yeah. I took it as a joke just to actually test the practical benefits. Yeah, just to test. I don't believe in science. I don't trust it.

I don't trust the vaccine. I don't trust Viagra. Just to test a product that's been out in the market for 30 years. You know what I mean? That's a joke. That's a joke. I was just like Viagra. Just to test a product that's been out in the market for 30 years. You know what I mean? That's a joke. That's a joke. I was just like, does it actually work?

You know what I mean? Hang on, I'm just going to, as a joke, I'm just going to take a sip of this beer. Well, you know,

he's got us. He's got us. All the people who cracked first, it was you. As a joke, you took Viagra and all that happened

is the end of your dick went bright red is what you said before. I had it. I was like, I wanted to see if you just got an instant boner and you were walking around with a boner. But what happened was... If it was made by Acme,

that was like supplied to the roadrunner getting an instant fucking boner. I got a red face and then I had... Because you're embarrassed about being hard. Yeah, it was the first time my dick had been hard. I went back to being a 15-year-old boy at school and then I forgot I had it and I just went out to dinner. Oh. Yeah.

So what happened? You thought you had the erection. No, I think you've got to be aroused. Yes, you do. I went out to a full meal. Viagra only works with arousal. Okay. So it's not just a...

You can't just slip it in someone's drink and then all of a sudden they're walking around with a hard-on knocking doors over. Okay. That's what I thought it was. Guys, I'm a scientist. I check all these prescription medications for you. I report back. It's like hypnotism.

Because that's what they say about when you get hypnotised on stage and you're sort of like, you can't be against it. You have to sort of be like, oh, yeah, I guess maybe I can be a participant. I guess I can be a chicken. I guess. I guess I can be horny right now. So that's what it is. It's like dick hypnotism. Yes, it was. Right, right.

And then all night, everyone was like, why have you got a red face? And I couldn't be like, I took Viagra. Actually, why do you have a red face? Because isn't all the blood supposed to rush to your dick? So why is it rushing to your fucking face? Well, maybe I'm a bloody dickhead. Hey! Maybe you took Viagra When you were Doing a handstand

And it all rushed To that area Yeah I got a hole In my neck And I just No because he said You've got to be aroused And he wasn't aroused

So the blood was all Just like fuck We've got to go somewhere Oh right Make his head erect Right You're only looking At ugly people

He's just got one hand Up like Hitler All the blood Is in my brain Because he took it So he could have a wank And so his hand Went hard All the blood is in my brain. Because he took it so he could have a wank, and so his hand went hard.

I love your version of your reboot of Aussie Mythbusters where it's just you testing medications. Things that work. I've got a headache. Time to take a pan off. Get me a fucking YouTube channel. I left my family for this. I've got a fucking prescription going for you that I give you. channel is that. I left my family for this. Blakey. I've got a fucking

prescription going for you that I give you and there's one coming your way. Let's not be too harsh on him with Judge Mullins. Try before you buy.

Blakey's reboot of Mythbusters but it's just fact busters. It's just him trying out things that we all know are true already.

Hey, fever's flaring up. Better have an antihistamine. Okay, that's fixed. Short episode this week. Sorry, guys. And every week. I'm kind of like ass Jeeves, but cooler.

How are you going with Invermectin? What? No big words, please. I haven't had my Viagra. The blood's all around my brain. He can't spell big words or hear them. Invermectin? What?

That's the drug of choice for people who are anti-vaccine. They're like, I'll take Invermectin? What? That's the drug of choice for people who are anti-vaccine. They're like, I'll take Invermectin. Even though there's a whole lot of scientists saying, hey, we've

developed this vaccine with a whole lot of peer reviews. It's gone through all the different studies and they're like, yeah, I'm going to take this drug that was designed

for horse worming. Yeah. I like their vibe. That's what's going on at the moment. I'll try it out for them. I'll get back to them. See how it goes. No, you're not an idiot.

You turned up to the exhibition centre and asked for your shot of perfissa. Oh, shut up, Tony. I'm not an idiot. I'm getting the smart person one. What was it for the ages I kept saying to you, and I was like, the beetroot advocate? And you're like, it's the fucking betuda. It's the fucking betuda. I kept saying it to you, and i was like the the beetroot advocate and you're like it's the fucking batuta i kept saying it to you and you're like i don't know what you're talking about you know i was

like no that satirical thing great the beetroot it's the batuta you fucking moron i think about that you know like that moment before you go to bed and you think about it it's honestly a conversation that keeps popping up great i have no recollection of that ever. It's the best. I probably wasn't talking to you. I was probably out of my brain. I was like horny. I had an erection.

Here's your next embarrassing thing. That wasn't Dastlo. That was your mum. That's how fucked up you are. Your mum's hot. She comes in a diaper all the time. Well, Blakey, I've been going for walks with you. I've been going for For walks with you I've been going for

A little bit of exercise Like once a week Yes you are my bubble buddy As I said It's taking a Harsh toll on my mental health Many people said Because you guys are almost neighbours

Yeah We're on the same road So Yeah First lockdown Carl would come over Eat a full pizza in front of me And my partner

Then leave Leave the fucking rubbish And just walk away. Leave some shit. He bought Tiger Crystal. Tiger Crystal. Tiger Crystal. Heard of that?

He probably has it. Okay, so that should be the first episode of your show, just to test if this is the worst beer in the world. And yes, it is. I did try it the other week, and it is fucking shit. It's the first time I've put a full... You look like you'd love Crystal, though. A different one, Tommy?

No, you look like you'd make Crystal. Yes, yes, one, Tommy? No, you look like your mate, Crystal. Yes, yes, there we go. I'm getting a lot of judgment. I was walking around Richmond yesterday. People thought I had a very stupid vibe about me. It fucking pissed me off. You look like a person who would name Crystal Tiger Crystal. Going, fuck, what's the sickest name we can call this?

We'll name this drug after Tiger. We'll name this drug after Tiger. We'll name this drug after Tiger. We'll name this drug after Tiger. We'll name this drug after Tiger. We'll name this drug after Tiger. We'll name this drug after Tiger. We'll name this drug after Tiger.

We'll name this drug after Tiger. Tiger Crystal. Can we call this Be A Glass Barbie? Yeah. Is that allowed? Fuck. So,. Can we call this be a glass Barbie? Yeah. Is that allowed? Fuck. So, yeah, so we've been a bubble, not so much bubble buddy, like coming inside you to my place or vice versa.

Leave it outside. We go for a walk. Go for a walk. Go for a walk. You know, you have your backpack full of beer. Yeah. I like that energy. I was doing it way before lockdown.

Yeah. Yeah. Why not? Inside your own house. So we've been going for a walk. last week we went for a big walk we went through the cbd yeah with a backpack full of a lot of friends that weekend yeah but it was it was it was quite funny that it was a nice little touch of being back to normal in that it's all the restrictions are up it's all happening you know we're walking through it's like a desolate wasteland in the city.

But we still managed to get you kicked out of a liquor land. Yes. You got kicked out of a liquor land during lockdown? Yes. That's the worst. That's unconstitutional. I actually thought you wouldn't bring this up. But anyway.

Did you? Did you do something that should have stayed private with Carl? And I've been in lockdown for six weeks doing nothing. Mate, I love you, but right now I'm going to say this with such sincerity, you stupid cunt. Why would you trust him? Taking advantage of the guy with a mental disability. Thank you.

We both got it. One of my true passions in life, and a fan of this podcast Had caught me in that moment Before in Adelaide I was on a scooter On the road And a taxi driver

Goes Hey mate You can't ride them On the road And I said What does that say On the side of your car And he said taxi

I said that's right It doesn't say police So fuck off cunt I thought you were Genuinely asking What it said No no no But yes

Fair enough I will wear that as well But I love to tell someone To fuck off cunt. I thought you were genuinely asking what I said. No, no, no. But yes, fair enough. I will wear that as well. But I love to tell someone to fuck off cunt. It's like, this makes me happy. And a man in a shop gave me that opportunity. Yes. I came in at, I came, he came at a two, I came at a ten. Absolutely.

I cannot believe I was the voice of reason. Like you, this guy was telling you to, you got kicked out of Lickaland. You were one foot into Lickaland. You had one foot in Lick you to you got kicked out of liquor land you were one foot into liquor land you had one foot in liquor land you got kicked out and then what did you done not put a mask on no it was some weird so we were street drinking yeah of course yes and then yes i i finished the beer i put it into the recycling bin yeah like a fucking sane human being. Get out of Craig Rue Castle, I think. Carl walks into the liquor land and then there's two security guards just going you, like saying, and I kind of loosely get what's going on.

You weren't allowed to get served because you were with someone who was street drinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was getting kicked out as well because I was with you who hadn't even walked into liquor land yet. So I was getting kicked out as well because I was with you who hadn't even walked into Liquorland yet. So I was getting kicked out for you and I'm in there arguing, going, this cannot be legal.

How can I be kicked out because of that cunt out there hanging around the bin? And I heard him say legal and I was like, well, well, well. The lawyer is here and ready to go. Here comes Perry Mason. I don't get that reference, but good on you. With some real hot legal terminology as he walked in that reference but good on you. With some real hot legal terminology as he walked in

as well within five seconds. That's a real current shit. Oi cunt. Oh your lawyer's wearing an Adidas tracksuit. Fair enough. I actually, no no it wasn't. It was a Dickies one. But yeah I go in and I get a vibe of what's going on. And

I went to go get a beer or something and the guy's like, no, we can't. I was like, we can't serve you. I was like, surely. I was like, I drank a beer outside. I can't serve your mate. And he goes, no, no, we can't do it. It's against the law. I was like, what the fuck has it got to do with you?

What happens if I had a bottle of wine at home? What has it got anything to do with you if I'm at home? I'm furious on your behalf. Thank you. Name the fucking bottle shop. BWS. BWS in the city. Was it BWS?

No, no. We went to BWS after they were not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know what it was? It was Liquorland. I just said that. That's what you said. I've been saying the whole time.

That brings me to the story I was telling you the other night. Anyway, but we'll get back to the liquor land. Yes, yes, we will. We will. No, but this is what I was... Fuck, double liquor land story. Fuck them. This is why I was so impressed by getting kicked out.

Because this is like the worst liquor land in Melbourne that you got kicked out of. This is the one on the corner of Elizabeth and Flinders. Like they've seen some shit. Ground zero of deros. Like two blokes who've rocked up who look like they've recently had showers. Like surely, roll the red carpet out for us. Come on. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

We do not look like you've had a shower. In comparison. In comparison. I was like, it's got nothing to do with you, can't what I do. I didn't say can't at that time. Not yet. Not yet. You're legal parents.

You don't show them all your cards, Charlie. You know what I mean? You're saying the statement. You leave terminology like that for your summation at the end, don't you? I want to impress them. You know what you're talking about. You're one of these cunts. To be honest, I don't remember a lot of it.

I was quite drunk. So they were probably well within their rights. In hindsight, yes, they were correct. But in the moment, absolutely not. It does seem very odd that they can bar me from buying something because they see me in vicinity of someone outside doing something. That seemed very weird to me. So I said, is this a thing?

And the guy's like, yeah, yeah. And then I was like, I fucking hate security staff and fucking whatever. As you're screaming at the security staff, as I've pressed them, you're screaming at them. They're fucking kicking off. They're going bonkers. Then I turn to the actual guy on the till and go, is this right in any way? He goes, yeah, it is right.

And I go, sorry, boys, we better go now. And then, so I realised we had nowhere to go. But then I just, I got to have my little moment in the sun. And I've been smiling about it for weeks since. And he was just standing there and I said, fuck you, cunt. And then he moved forward to go punch me or wanted to punch me. But then he realised he couldn't. And then I smiled in his face and walked out.

And I've been having the best week ever. It's made me so happy. Left me with him. And then we walked around the corner then walked into another place then we walk in and then we walk

into another place that's around the block that's sort of basically you know you walk around and then we get in there we go to walk in

and then you for a second think it's the same fucking place that we've just done a lap of are we going back into the same liquor shop you go to go into

the same place in your head and you go oh is this you fucking cunts again and the guy's like what this is a completely different business but you're just fucking calling another security guy a cunt to start with i'm on the side of people in the original liquor lane no no no but then i said i said how's you know our gold makers it's pretty quiet i said mate you should move to that other liquor shop yeah yeah a bit of stuff gone on there well not anymore not now that we're here you should move to that other liquor shop. Yeah, yeah. Bit of stuff gone on there.

Well, not anymore. Now that we're here, you should stay here. And I was like, oh, this is a nice beer. Just trying to act so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like the most action this bottle shop's seen in months. It's Saturday night, bottle shop in the city. They were probably sitting around just before this going, fuck, I'd love to see some action.

Oh, it would have been a weird situation because there was three people behind the tilts, two security guards just facing each other in not a big liquor land either. It's literally the size of this

room in Spleen. It was the shittest, shittest bottle shop. but also that establishment is owned by Coles. If that was owned

by an independent, there is no way they'd turn you away for any fucking reason whatsoever. And nor should they. Yeah. No.

That's all we've got. Also, 90% of your fucking customers on that street would be in the same state I was. You know what I mean? You're losing a big chunk of the money. I agree. We were the best clientele I had seen for weeks. Exactly. This is also, it's like there's a curfew in Melbourne at the moment, for anyone who doesn't

know, 9pm. So it's like, you're coming in absolutely cut. What time? It's like 7.15. Yeah. in Melbourne at the moment, for anyone who doesn't know, 9pm. So it's like you're coming in absolutely cut. What time? It's like 7.15 that you're coming in just fucking off. Yes, Tommy, but I started drinking at 10am, mate. So everything's scalable. You start earlier. I'm fucking unemployed at the moment.

What else am I supposed to do? Deal with my feelings? No. So what's your other time you've been kicked out of a liquor land? You were saying? Oh, no. So this is what, because when we got out of there. This is a big multinational scene.

Yeah, we're fuming. We're fuming about this And we're going And that's all And then we go to walk home And we're walking through the MCG And this reminds Blake I was fuming

I was loving it Yeah You're walking through the MCG Yeah we had a kid They put up some banners We ran through the paper Yeah They said Blake he's coming home

Yes boys I did it I told him to fuck off Took a bit of turf Posted it back to Perth. And they've done it again. Bernie, Bernie, Bernie. Yeah, man, the energy in that bit. It's like the energy of, like, if you were overseas

and you ran into some mates in a bar. Yeah, yeah. You're just like oh my god i can't believe we're all here we've all found each other in the middle of norway this is fucking insane except it was just us at a place we've all been at together one million times before it was it did feel very weird going in there though because even though it was like you know we we looked into it as much as we could and then joel looked into it as much as we could and then Joel looked into it as much as he could and was all like, okay, this seems to be allowed.

This is by the book. It still felt like weirdly kind of prohibition era. Absolutely. It still felt weird. I had been at the park with some friends beforehand and I was like, yeah, I got to go. And they were like, what do you mean you got to go? We're in lockdown. What, I got to go. And they were like, what do you mean you got to go? What have you, you know, we're in lockdown.

Like, what have you got to go to? I'm like, kind of, I'm doing the pod, but like in real life, this weird thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it felt illicit. It felt very sneaky. You know, what we were talking about on that little clip there is blakey and i went on a few um night nightly walks um around the city and and had a few drinks and whatever i don't think i talked about there was a there was one point where we walked past you know we're deep in you know these

strong rules before we could even the broadcasting rules came in and um we did walk in the city one night and we think we're thinking we're being cheeky by like having a chang in a brown paper bag and taking a few sneaky sips and all this sort of stuff. And we walk past this like group of four people who are walking along with a three-tiered birthday cake like in the city and it's like, you're not even trying to fall in love. Is this an outdoor birthday? Is that what's happening?

Just going to sit on the corner of King and William and just have a big fucking three-tiered marzipan cake? Just a broadcasting birthday. Yeah, maybe. They're live streaming the birthday. But yeah, go and listen to that uh in its entirety because i think you'll very much enjoy the story of uh brett that takes up the majority of it um okay so that brings us to clip number two episode 566 jen fricker can't believe i'm cameron james what's it gonna be

oh no i said it too long. I said it too late. Oh, we know what it is. Cameron, Jen, wow. Two of our favourite guests. Yep. Excellent episode, this one. Yeah, two of our favourites, two of my favourites. Yeah, for sure.

And a Zoom ep getting pretty high up in the countdown. Yeah. I mean, look, that has been the good thing in the last 18 months, two years about Zoom. If there's got to be one good thing about Zoom, I reckon the number one thing has been the access to our interstate friends that normally we were lucky to get on once a year. All of a sudden, you know, say like we talked about before,

like Danielle was on four times. She doesn't live in Melbourne. You know, Cam and Jen, they'd be lucky to be on once a year. And all of a sudden those two were probably on, I assume, four or five times, something like that? Yeah, maybe. It's hard to tell. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's been great. Instead of having to, you know, stick to all these fucking idiots from Melbourne, it has been nice to go around the world, around Australia and have a little bit more access to our locationally challenged to us friends. Yes. And yeah, this one was – do you remember like what was all going on

when this one – when we recorded this one? This was like Sydney had been in lockdown for a little bit or like their version of a lockdown we had been in one for two weeks and then we were out for a week and then we ended up going back in for what ended up being the three months so at the time that we recorded this we yeah we were like oh yeah guys how's it going yeah yeah yeah it's pretty rough isn't it i had been at the pub like i'd been down the road to the pub before coming home to record this on zoom we still couldn't be in each other's houses but yeah we'd come out of a lockdown our pubs were open for a week and then yeah a week after that we went back in so it's a very weird little in between gap that we had. Right. But it was a lot of fun to do.

Big, lots of dumb tangents in this one, lots of stupid riffs, lots of us just being naughty little cunnies. Yep. Let's get to it. So here it is, Jen Fricker and Cameron James. So here it is, Jen Fricker and Cameron James Hey, can I tell you guys about something very personal to me? It's come up naturally

But I've been dealing with my dog's vagina all week I don't know if I've told any of you guys about it yet I've been trying not to spread it around But I'm going to tell you guys about it My dog had to get a vulvaplasty a couple of days ago. What is that? What does that mean? Do you know what a vulvaplasty is?

It's like plastic surgery on the vagina to make it... Cuter? I don't know. Tighter? Tighter, cuter, smoother. It's like She was It's actually Are you getting your dog

Regularly waxed? What's happening? I gave her a Brazilian A beautiful new pussy Are you about to do A bit of a boast Like that guy from Jen's story Because we don't want

To fucking hear about it brother Yeah Yeah No she My dog Was de-sexed very young They When they gave her To us They dog was de-sexed very young. When they gave her to us, they had already de-sexed her

and she was under a month old and that's bad. So it makes them develop in weird ways or like underdevelop in their like genitals and organs and shit. And so we didn't know that. And then the vet recently told us that her vagina was underdeveloped and he needed to perform a vulvplasty to give her, like, a beautiful, gorgeous, schmick adult vagina. So she had to get an adult vagina because she only had a kid vagina?

She just had, like, a small little, it was just, I don't know, I didn't really ever get a good look at it. Some girls would kill for a small pussy. Yeah, yeah. Some guys would kill for a girl to have a small pussy. Wow, I really hope we put this episode up and all the comments are just people in the know going, that's not a real thing.

This is just some rogue vet that Cam went to. Oh, he's unlicensed. And he's trying to just make it good for him because he knows that you're going to bring the dog in regularly. He's like, look, if you're bringing this dog in, I don't want a beautiful pussy to look at. I don't want to be looking at dogs breakfast. He gave her huge tits as well.

Yeah, big honkers. Heavy, natural looking ones. Big, fat natties. Wow. It's so fucked up. So how is Pammy, your dog, going? Pammy, she's, oh, my God. It's so gross because I think I've said this last time I was on,

but I hate, I got a girl dog because i hate boys dogs dicks so much i think they're fucking disgusting gross red little shiny things so i got this little red rocket so i got the girl so i wouldn't have to deal with that and then now because she's got like a cone on her head while she's recovering from the surgery every day i have to wipe her new pussy oh so every day i have to like get her on her back and spread her legs hang on hang on so is this is this just a long way around of going every day even not on purpose I'm getting my dog wet every day I'm putting on music I'm lighting candles

I'm walking around I'm getting out of the shower my dog's seeing me before I towel up and it's just cannot handle it Carl don't interrupt him again I'm so close keep going so I have to like yeah like get her on her back

Spread her legs And then Oh no Clean her Clean her vagina With like a wipe Like an alcohol wipe Every single day

I have to look Deep into the eye Of this new vagina Wow And I deliberately wanted a girl Because I didn't want to have to deal With the dog genitalia But now it's like my whole life.

It's like twice a day. I'm like, come on. Spreading it and dabbing around. Are the rest of the dogs in the neighborhood sort of giving you the eye every day? Going, thanks, brother. Thank you. Thank you for your beautiful work. And so this is just you doing this?

It's like not you and your wife, like, you know, taking it in shifts, like alternating ways or anything? Yeah, that's a way of two girls to bond. What are you doing jumping in there volunteering for it? Oh, no, no, no, it's cool. It's cool, babe. Don't worry about it. Just don't come in.

Don't come in. Just give us 10 minutes. What's this vet bill for? No, nothing. It was a misprint. I think it got sent to the wrong address. There's no, like, why have you lengthened my dog's vagina? Why? You never told me about this, Cam. In my mind as address. There's no, like, why have you lengthened my dog's vagina? Why?

You never told me about this, Cam. In my mind as well. What's this? No, no, no, it's not us. Like, you saying this, because is it, how big is your dog? Is it like a small dog or like a medium size? Like, what kind of dog is it? She's like a medium size golden retriever.

Because in my mind, I was thinking it's like a tiny little toy poodle who's just got, got like flaps dragging on the ground yeah just leaving the worst fucking snail trail behind this adorable fucking dog just no like like one of those dogs that like doesn't have his back legs anymore so it's actually got like a little wagon with wheels on it's like yeah yeah yeah got the flaps trailing behind. Like a beagle's ears. If you were open at the moment and you just had like a friend or a God forbid a relative just randomly pop in while you're doing this, you know, operation, like thank God you're in lockdown.

This isn't something you'd want to be doing when the world is open. Maybe this is all just an elaborate ploy in the hopes that my wife listens to this podcast so that i can go see i talked about it it was doctored ordered it was a doctor all right is it is it is it one of those things where like you know when we went into lockdown i got like um some teeth aligners so that when i could come out my teeth would be all fixed is this the same thing so when you come out of lockdown, all of a sudden your dog's pussy is like the absolute highlight of all the dogs on the block. So make the most of being locked down, little doggy.

I can't wait for Melbourne Comedy Festival 2022 and it's you accepting the Barry for your moving work on my dog's pussy. Yeah. Some people wrote King Leo. I was cleaning out my dog's pussy. Yeah. Yeah. Some people wrote King Lear. I was cleaning out my dog's mutt. Thanks, everyone. My dog's mutt. My dog's mutt.

That's the show title. Yeah. Wolfmutt. I've got ten more days of it. And to answer your question, yes, we've been taking it in shifts, but I'm better at it. So I have been trying. Oh, okay.

That's what every guy reckons though, you know? Here we go. They all say that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like the dog tells me at the end, oh, no, that's clean now. Yeah, you can finish now. That's clean.

But I don't know. I don't know. I just know. I'm used to working with it. I'm used to working with the vagina from this angle. I say to her, you don't know. You don't see it from the angle that I see it. Right.

Anyway, so that's mainly why I'm depressed, I think. It's just dawning on me that maybe I've spent far too long just me alone in a room with my dog's new vagina. Yeah, it's the most pussy you've ever got, but it's in this detail. I thought I was ordering too much shit in the lockdown. I wasn't getting an animal. I've been getting genital reconstructive surgery on it. It's just nice to hear the doorbell go off, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, yeah, yeah. I've actually run out of things on Amazon. I guess I'm getting this. Okay. Getting a new bunghole for my parakeet. And they've done it again Oh Bernie Wow

Number two Look All that stuff He said in there That Cam said in there Still doesn't explain why He fingers his dog's ass every day No

Didn't really explain Why he Why he's supposed to do that I don't think that's really a You know A medically advised thing I think that's Just something he's supposed to do that i don't think that's really a um you know medically advised thing i think that's um just something that he wants to do but um i don't have a dog i don't fully understand i can't put my hand up for that one um but great app and look such a great app it could have been number one yeah it would have been number one in any in any

other year it would have been number one yes yeah but i mean you were talking about there wasn't a standout episode um this year having said that i mean i've just checked the voting from my end and right uh i mean you're saying there's no standouts i mean there was a couple of hundred votes between you know the previous two to two to five but there was well I'm just looking here, 69,000 votes difference between number two and number one. So I would say that that to me is a standout. Yeah, yeah.

When I said no standout, I mean apart from this one, because that's obvious that it was going to be this one in number one. I mean there's no standouts in between like two and, you know, number 52 or whatever, you know. Yeah, yeah. Zero standouts except for one. That's fair enough. That makes sense.

But, yeah, of course, look, this is the one that I thought might be the favourite. I thought this was a pretty obvious one. It felt electric on the night. It felt crazy. Look, I took the clip out of this before we'd even put the voting form up. I just knew. Once we'd done it, I got home and I was like, I'm the clip out of this before we'd even put the voting form up. I just knew. Once we'd done it, I got home and I was like, I'm going to put aside a little 10-minute chunk of this to put in the best of

because it's clear to me now that this is going in for sure. I saw you editing it while we were recording it. Yeah, live on stage. I saw you saving it as number one in the best of. I had the tape reel and the scissors out and I was just doing it live on stage as it was being recorded. I did think that's cocky, but then just as I was trying to say to myself, that's a little bit cocky, then I said something really funny. And then I stopped myself from stopping you. I was like, no, no, no, that'll go in.

Yeah, yeah, cool. Continue. Well, we almost may as well not have it in here because I'm sure every listener has been listening to this every second day since it dropped. So there's barely any need to relive it again with how popular it is. A lot of people have requested that we just release this episode every week with a new intro to it, with a new ad at the start of it. As we go through the year, just keep advertising different live shows that we've got coming up.

But then they just want to hear a new, you know, re-release of the same episode. I think there's a lot of people that are mad that the top five, this best of episode isn't just five different clips from this one episode. And, you know, that's fair enough. But look, no more beating around the bush. This is what you're on here for. Can we beat around the bush a little bit? Okay.

Sure. Don't we have time for that? Because a lot of people have requested, but maybe we just remix this every week. We just have like a Calypso mix. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Just a rap mix. You know, get the Neptunes onto it one episode. That sort of thing. And I'm with them. I think maybe we should do that in 2022. Maybe we should, especially if this virus that you may have, especially if that runs amok in you. We've got to start thinking about what we're going to do

for the one year anniversary Of having recorded this Like we've got to be doing Some kind of birthday celebration Right Every year from now on Yeah To celebrate this

Landmark piece of entertainment And it is the one live show That has made the top five As well Tommy Which is interesting Yes Yeah yeah yeah Yeah

Do we want to give some Context or do we Want to just get into it Oh yes Sure want to give some context or do we want to just get into it? Oh, yes, sure. Let's give some context. I mean, maybe the clip will just speak for itself. Maybe we just get into it. It's a live episode.

It was done. Look, maybe we shouldn't have done it, but it was done deep in the middle of lockdown when it was illegal to even be in the same home. But we decided to go out and do a live show and we got all of our anti-vaxxer listeners that came out and supported us at the live show, packed the venue out. It is, of course, the live show that we did at Hungry Jacks, the live podcast we did at Hungry Jacks, the Hungry Jacks pod. It was a great afternoon. at Hungry Jacks, the Hungry Jacks pod.

It was a great afternoon. Obviously, we had a lot of fun. You'll hear the fun that we had doing it. Tommy, what did you think about it? Best night of my life. Yeah. That's weird because we did it at 10 o'clock in the morning just so we could get the breakfast menu. Yeah, but the enjoyment I was having from the morning carried me through.

It was a long episode actually. Yeah, you're right. It was a great night. Yeah, you're only hearing a few minutes of the 12 hours that we recorded. But I think it's still a good clip. It is one of the only live podcasts you'll hear where we have three meals in the show. Yeah. We breakfast and then we lunch and dinner all meals in the show. Yeah.

We breakfast and then we lunch and dinner all during the one show. Of course, you won't hear all of those meals during this clip. You'll have to go back to the normal episode. Which episode number is that again? Let me just check. Episode 6969. Okay, right. Cool.

We're up to that already. That's 6969 and we're doing the 500s soon. Okay. Yeah, we've been delaying it for ages. Yeah, yeah. That sounds about right. Okay. All right.

So here we go. Enjoy your number one clip for 2021. This is Live at Hungry Jacks. All right, now, please welcome our next guest. Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Cam James. Hey, everybody. How's it going? Hey, just before we start, I'm technically not here in my capacity as a comedian and a podcaster. I'm actually here in my capacity as an employee of Hungry Jack's. You work here at Hungry Jack's, at this store? Yes. What's the location again?

It is the number one Hungry Jack's in Victoria. Okay, yes. Go on. The Southern Cross Station. Okay, sure. Yes, that's where we are. Which part of Southern Cross Station though? Because there's of course, as we know from a bunch of our audience being late to the gig, there are multiple Hungry Jacks' in Southern Cross Station.

People that are listening to this live at home and still making their way in, there's of course the upstairs one and the downstairs one. Which one are we at again? We are in, at the moment, I mean, we all know where we are, so there's no point in me saying it, but we define ourselves. Still, humorous. We don't call ourselves upstairs or downstairs. We call ourselves the fun one.

For once on the show, someone humor me, please. We are downstairs. Okay, sure. Is that right? Yeah. Sure, why not I think so Downstairs Here at Hungry Jacks

It feels like a down It certainly feels downhill, this gig It feels like it's not on the up You know at the start of Louis, the sitcom When he walks down the stairs into the company cellar That's kind of what this is like Right, right You go down the stairs And you're in the underground Hungry Jacks.

The Hungry Jacks at Southern Cross Station is sort of like the comedy seller of Melbourne. You're right. So, yeah. Yeah. And me and Tammy are sort of like the Louis CK of comedy. Sort of, yeah. In some ways. It's all untrue, but that's what some people call us.

People at home might not be able to pick this up, but we're doing a bit of Louis gear right now in the room as a little treat for all the audience. And please allow me to just say, as the regional manager of this Hungry Jacks, that's not allowed. So if you guys could please stop doing that, that would be really handy. I actually thought that's how they make the storms here. That's how they make those desserts. Thank you for mentioning the storm.

I did want to get a plug in for that early. Guys, if you are into McFlurries, but you don't like any of the mix-ins that they have there at McDonald's or good-tasting soft-serve ice cream, please help yourself to a storm. It's only $17.99. Help yourself. Oh, right.

Help yourself, but it's $7.99. Okay. Yeah. Help yourself to a storm. It's only $17.99. Help yourself. Oh, right. Help yourself, but it's $7.99. Okay. Yeah. Help yourself, just like the great Louis C.K. does. Helps himself. Yeah. Do that. Yeah.

What flavour of storm can you get? We've got brown flavour and we've got something called yellow flavour. And I haven't tried that one. Just brown and yellow ice cream. is that what you're saying? Brown and yellow. They're the two flavours and the two colours that we've got. Is that the new jingle with the Hungry Jacks Storm ad? Is that milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolates, mate?

Is that the new jingle? This is, instead of milk, milk, lemonade, it's milk, milk, yellow, brown. Right. That's kind of what we've got. Right. That's sort of how we do it. Yeah. I don't know how it's coming off to you guys.

That's so you don't have to pay copyright on the original jingle. Right. I get it. That makes sense. During the pandemic, it's been a very difficult time for straight white men like myself. So I have had to get this extra job. Basically for anyone who wasn't Nina Oyama it's been a really tough year

in the world of comedy and TV writing and it's really exciting for her because not only is she a woman and Asian but she's queer now too so that's awesome It's awesome for her Did she do the course? Did she just graduate?

The opportunities that she's gotten We've got comedian We've got Hungry Jack's regional manager And Hollywood gossip columnist Meow Cameron James Saucer of milk John Michael Housen James.

Wow. Thanks for coming in. No, I'm not here to be like that. I don't want to be catty. I don't want to be funny. I just want to be here. You've come to the right place if you don't want to be funny. Thanks for coming.

Make sure you guys are doing well. Hey, just a quick announcement to the audience as well. If you are here, please scan into the QR codes. They don't register you with the government, but they do take you to the Beyond Blue website. You can talk to a professional about your mental health over there. We actually make it every live show. We make quite a considerable donation off the back of the tickets to Beyond Blue.

Some say donation. Some say it's just us on the phone after our last live Sydney show, just actually needing their help and trying to pay for it for some reason. We like to keep it busy. We like to make them feel like they're... We'd hate for it to get too quiet in there and for them to be sitting around going,

is this worth it? Is anyone ever going to call up? We'd hate for Beyond Blue to think that they're a charity, even if they are. We want them to feel like they're doing something, they're working for it. And that's why me and Tommy have got them on speed dial, like non-stop most days.

Number one on speed dial too. It's a very prized spot to be at. I also want to thank you guys for choosing us as your location for this podcast. I know that you had many other options. Upstairs, for example. Yeah, the upstairs one. I like to think that the location chose us. I don't think, you know, I think we were just kind of answering to a higher power with this one.

Yeah. And also, you know, through requests from most of our fans who went, we can't climb the steps. I think that was a main consideration. And also, our downstairs location is not wheelchair accessible, so I'm sorry to all the... I know you'd think it would be. That's why it's on the ground floor, but it is... That's why we chose it.

We don't want those sort of people at our shows. We've made the hallways incredibly narrow, and we've made the floor an incredibly rocky terrain, so it is difficult for... Before you said, I'm sorry to all V, and then you got cut off. I'm dying to know what was going to come after V. What was the term you were going to use? Well, a few came to mind, Tommy, but I've decided to be the bigger man.

Right. But also, I want to thank you guys... It was a different time back then. You could have said it back then. You can't say it now. You can't say anything anymore. PC's gone mad, you know. In the last 40 seconds, the amount of...

I could get cancelled for the things I would have said. Hey, also, I want to thank you guys for not choosing Subway. I know that was in consideration as well, but then once you found out that Jared Fogle was no longer their mascot, you decided not to work with those guys. Yeah. We decided to go to this place which still has a pedophile employed, so yeah.

That's unsubstantiated. Unsubstantiated. He's doing well though, Jared. I stayubstantiated. He's doing well, though, Jared. I stay in touch with him. He's doing well. You guys all catch up? People that just work at different fast food restaurants just keep in touch, do they?

Yeah. Me, Jared, the Hamburglar, we're in a group chat. Yep. Both those guys are in prison, which is nice. Right, right. Well, Hamburglar was obvious. He was always going to get done, wasn't he? How's he been staying sane during the pandemic?

How's he been? Oh, yeah. He went pando crazy. Shaved his head. Joe. Joe totally did everything. Shaved some children's heads. Yeah.

Yeah. I went so mental in the pandemic. I had sex with an 18-year-old. Yuck. That's how crazy I went in lockdown. No, he's doing very well. I baked a lot of bread. Mostly fairy bread for, like, my boyfriends.

I remember when I used to go into the subways, they used to have a big cardboard cutout of Jared. You know, when he was skinny and he was holding his big fat pants out. Oh, yeah. And we used to think it was to show how much weight he'd lost, but now we know it was just easy access so the little ones could climb in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was for kids on the second story of the subway to look down his pants, right?

And to jump in. Every previously obese person who's ever lost weight should be forced to walk around in the pants that they used to wear. It should be the law that you always, at a moment's notice, you can always be going, yeah, you know, check it out. What if Jared did that with those? He walked around with those pants the whole time, and it's like, why are you still wearing those pants?

And he's like, well, you know how McDonald's has a playground. This is our playground here at Subway. Hop in. This is the slide. Oh, my God. And people are losing their minds here with laughter at this live episode. Oh, no. Boy, we just heard them.

We just heard them there. Yeah. Of course. I'm just telling the people at home in case they can't hear it. Oh, in case the mics, in case the tech fucked up again. Right. Yeah. Well, yeah, they're using the, we said you have crowd mics and they're using the mic

that they use on the drive-thru window. So I don't know how well that's going to be picking up the sound of audience laughter. We might be losing it in the mix. Oh, that's what we should have, that's what we should have done. We should have had the crowd inside here and we were just standing out in the drive-thru just yelling all this stuff into the speaker. I actually would like to correct you there

and say there actually is no drive-thru in this downstairs McDonald's at Southern Cross Station, but there is a bus terminal. You're dead right. You're absolutely right. Sorry about that. No offence. If you're on the bus, if you were loud could maybe you could maybe get it across the line if you could if you could

carry your voice well enough from the bus terminal they might be able to run out of bacon deluxe to you yeah yeah maybe great reference there tommy not many people know the the bacon deluxe with all of the menu items yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been around the block a few times. Not my first rodeo. The Storm, the Bacon Deluxe. It's when we came in here to do a bit of intel. I mean, we don't just book venues willy-nilly for our comedy festival shows.

I mean, like, of course, when we booked the Athenaeum Theatre, we went in, we checked the comfort of the seats, we checked out the acoustics, and of course when we decided to do the Hungry Jacks downstairs venue here at Southern Cross Station, we came in and we checked out the storms and we checked out those little ice creams with the fucking little dots in them

or whatever the fuck they are. Every gig I've ever done, I've gone into the venue a week before and eaten every single item on the menu, just because I want to be, I want to get in the head of the people who are coming to the show. Even at the Athenaeum where they don't have food. That was an easy one for me. That's part of the

appeal of doing a venue that doesn't serve food. You were just eating stuff you found down the back of seats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He still has to eat things that he finds in the theatre. Eating the urinal cakes. Yeah. Pussy. Yeah, just whatever you can find.

Had to eat every girl out who works there. It was crazy. People of Usher's very happy at the app. Rules are rules. Got to stick to it. Man, this is such a great app. I bet this is going to be popular in the end of year polls. I can feel it already. This is a great app. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I is such a great ep. I bet this is going to be popular in the end of the year polls. I can feel it already.

This is a great ep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Man, I really hope so. And I really hope my boss, Jack Cowan, the owner of the privately held company Hungry Jacks, a subsidiary of Burger King Corporation, and a subsidiary of Competitive Foods Australia, is listening to this and gives me a promotion of some description. Great. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. That's just something I wanted to gives me a promotion of some description. Great. Yeah.

Oh, absolutely. That's just something I wanted to say off the top of my head. Yeah. You've driven a lot of listeners to your store. This is a lot of times when people just, even if they're living out in Zone 3 in Melbourne and they think they want to have dinner, why not pop in to the Hungry Jack's next to the bus station

and fucking speed to the street. Come on in. And then you can get the bus to the Hungry Jacks next to the bus station? You fucking spits the street. Come on in, and then you can get the bus to the airport and fuck off from Melbourne. Oh, yeah, cool. That's what you can do. But thanks anyway, guys. And if anyone has any questions about the 1996 to 2001 legal battle with Burger King and the Hungry Jacks PTY LTD

over the franchise agreement. I can answer those questions now if you're interested or just email me or tweet at me or whatever. Well, why don't we get a question from our second guest? Let's intro him. Thank you. Welcome to the stage, our second guest, Dave Hughes. Great to be here at Hungry Jacks.

We're the boogers, the better. Oh, my God Hugh Love a storm Highway, I'm such a big fan of yours I've always liked your work and your comedy Thanks for popping in Thanks, Cam J Thanks, Hugh, so much When we thought of running a gig in lockdown at Hungry Jack's

You are the first person I didn't think of So thanks so much for coming along. They need to let us out. Dictator Dan needs to let us out. Cam, how's your dog's pussy going? It's fully healed, thanks, Husey. How's your relationship with your kids and stuff going? Are you sick of them?

They're bloody driving me up the wall. Don't know how someone like Jared me. They're bloody driving me up the wall. Don't know how someone like Jared Fogle does it. Kids give me the shit. That's how we can cure pedophilia. We just make the kids really annoying. Is that it? You can fuck them, but you have to raise them and live with them. Yeah.

Enroll them in schools and shit. You've got to commit forever. Alright, well, what do you think? Should we wrap this gig up? Yeah, okay. Is this just like a ten minute live show, is it? Okay. Yeah, no, we've been gone for a little while before we brought Cam on.

Cam was our... That's right. We usually do 40, 45 minutes before we bring in our first guest on. I forgot. Yeah, Cam was on right after Isaac Butterfield. Oh, right. Okay. Who unfortunately did kill himself, so he couldn't be here for the end of the episode. Unfortunately.

Let's make like a Whopper Jr. at the end of the production line and wrap it up guys oh very nice yeah not bad not bad alright well thanks thanks again to

everyone give it up for Cam James and the crowd's going crazy give it up for Husey they're going mental oh my god it's great to be here

you're a great you're a great ice cream the storm never forget that thanks everyone for coming thanks all the Andy Vax fans for tuning up You're a great ice cream. The storm, never forget that. Thanks, everyone, for coming. Thanks, all the Andy Vax fans for turning up. We'll be coming out for a meet and greet straight after the show and giving out kisses, if you like.

Let's get this virus around the place. And they've done it again. Oh, boy. The podcasts are better at Hungry Jacks. Yay. Yay. Thanks for coming, everyone. All right.

That is the best of 2021 done and dusted. Yep. Thank you. No surprise at number one, obviously. I might just listen to that clip again. It was so good. Thanks for everyone, like we said before. Thanks for everyone that supported us during the year.

Hope you stick around for 2022. Get on that Patreon. Get on the socials at the very least. Get on the socials. We're on Instagram, we're on Facebook, we're on Twitter. Go and support us on that. Have a bit of a chat to us there. Give us a retweet or, you know, publicise our stuff that way if you like it that's if you're a fucking massive tight ass cunt that won't give us two cents at the

least give us something like that um that'd be that'd be very appreciated but um really appreciate all of you guys that um um let us do this for a living it's um quite amazing we you have to sort of sit um still for a second sometimes and realise what we get to do for a living so we're very lucky in that way and it's because of you guys that are bothering to choose us as your entertainment needs so we really appreciate it yeah thanks for listening

thanks again to everyone who voted thanks for your support in 2021 and people who touched base to say that the podcast was helping them out in a rough year or, you know, whatever was going on for you. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com. We will see you in about 10 days time for the 500th live episode. Yeah. Heaps of other live shows coming in 2022, hopefully. We're in Melbourne again. We're in Adelaide. We're in Perth, hopefully.

We're in Brisbane very soon. But if you live in or close to any of those cities, go to our website, littledominoclub.com, and find out our touring dates. We would love to see you there. If not, we'd love to hear your beautiful laughs. We'd love to say hi to you after the show if you want to do that. We've got merch available at the website, all that sort of stuff.

But great 2021. We were very happy with it. Hope you guys were. Thanks for being part of it. Yep. All right. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time. See you mates.