The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 589 - Nick Cody & Harley Breen

Episode Date: January 12, 2022

It's a parenting spectacular this week as we're joined by textbook Comedy Dads NICK CODY and HARLEY BREEN! Little Blanket's been having trouble sleeping so Karl's brought in the big guns: the Sleep Doctor to the stars. Meanwhile, Tommy's been babysitting, and if you heard last week's episode, there's an update on his mysterious flu-like symptoms. Was it the novel coronavirus? PLUS Harley and Cody stick around for a messy, al fresco Talkin' Dum Dum, recorded at the pub! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Harley Breen and Nick Cody. Before we get into it, the big announcement, the big 500th episode of the Little Dum Dum Club. Carl? For the very first time we've decided to postpone it. It is, no, that's right, it's not happening in April 2020 anymore. We are postponing it two years. So if you're listening to that in the past, change your calendar for two years' time. We aren't doing it, if you're listening to it the presses it's not happening this weekend, it's not happening on

January 15th 2022 because of the situation re-covid, we've decided to push it back that's made a lot of you guys happy hopefully Ticket Tech have let you know by now that that is not what's going to happen so we are now doing April 2nd

2022 at 2pm, It's at the Athenaeum Theatre. A lot of you guys have ragged us before and gone, oh man, by the time you do your 500s, you'll do the 600s first. Well, you're right, cunts. We are going to do back-to-back episodes now on the Athenaeum stage. We're doing the 500s

and the 600s. So if you've got your ticket, hold on to that. Under the one ticket, of course. Yes. So it's going to be even more worth waiting for. Finally, when it finally happens, it's going to be better than if we had have done it two years ago. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com. If you still don't have tickets to that, we'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in Talking Dumb Dumb. But until then, enjoy this new one with guests Harley Breen and Nick Cody.

Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo. And with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, Dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. A couple of fruity little men that we found out at the front of the house and we've convinced

them to come in and just have a bit of a muck around with us. Now, Chookers guys, welcome them into the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Nick Cody and Harley Breeze. They're both sitting on stools, going to tell it how it is. Yeah.

I know I've got a leather jacket in summer, but I've got some points to get across. Cody literally fits inside me. He is my smaller babushka doll. I don't know at the minute, actually. This fucking smaller babushka doll is a bit rounder. It's melted. My top won't quite go on.

I got a good feeling about today Because there was a good There was a Like a good little symbol on the way in Like literally just outside the house Before coming I reckon for the For the second time I've ever seen this

I saw a car drive pass That had pretty clearly been painted with house paint Yes I love that I love it I had I had a car painted by some graffiti artists. What to do? The fucking Jetstar pilot that got busted murdering the people in the woods.

He painted his car twice. I knew he'd done something. Like graffiti artists. Yeah, I had some mates that, you know, when you're a graffiti artist, you have a special name that is your tag. Yes. And one of the guys that painted my car's name was Yorzy, which is great because when...

Because his name was Yorz and he wanted a nickname. No, because when graffiti artists, they meet when they're on the street, they say, what are you, right? And he says, your mum. So he's become yoursy. And my whole car got painted. And then one day I came out the back of my house when I was living in Fitzroy

and some fucking reprobate had stood on my roof to paint the wall I was parked beside. And I was like, nah, fair. It does look like a fucking green light, my car, that you could use. Yoursy. The stepladder. Yeah. There was a car in my street Fair, it does look like a fucking green light, my car, that you could use. Yawzy. The stepladder. Yeah.

There was a car in my street that was, like, fucked. Street, please. In my street, yeah. It had been totaled and then the person had, it was there for ages and then someone had left a note on it, like, the person whose car it was, going, like, guys, before you call the council about this car, spare a thought for the person who totaled it and can't afford to get it towed away and doesn't need more tickets and

they're they're already battling it's like this this fucking soliloquy just like stuck on the inside window and then a note on top of that just being like yeah just move the car yeah because it's just like report there's metal poking out there's like kids are gonna walk past if my fucking scratch their eyes out if you've got a car like that, you're dead in a hoarder house. Those fucking cars are all four tyres are flat. There's a fucking... It's too late.

There's no point. It's not even a car. Like it's gone beyond the car. It's more like just kerbs I've picked up. You do know that when you see the car that's painted with house paint, that's not even close to the worst thing happening in that person's house.

That's a win for them. They're like what is this? I've got some paint. It's as good as new. The idea of going out to your Honda with like a swatch that you get from like Dulux and just holding it up. I do like the idea of like following the car back to their house and the house has got like

a matte finish. Just mix the paints up. I mean, sure, my wife's got an AVO out on me and the kids are gone and I fucking lost me job, but look at the house paint on my car. My car's pink. It's so much cheaper than taking it to an actual shop. I used to hate the...

We've got some neighbours that are a fan of like 7am Sunday morning blowing leaves around. Oh, they should be fucking killed. But I used to hate we've got some neighbours that are a fan of like 7am Sunday morning blowing leaves around oh they should be fucking killed but I used to hate now I've realised with two kids how noisy is it

in his house that he's gone I've got to get out of here with a fucking blower that's the quiet alternative is to blow leaves

around in the backyard because you get the muffs when you're doing it yourself you've got the little ear muff things.

Yeah. And you do get looks if you just wear them around the house. Yeah. Sorry. I did that with a noise cancelling headphone, nothing on. I was at the great Tom Gleeson's house

a few weeks ago and we had a bit of a party on a Saturday night and then Sunday morning at 7.30 the guy next door got up just to fucking teach us all a lesson

and started mowing the lawn. And I just went, that's awesome because you've had to get up early to teach us a lesson and I don't give a shit. I'm back on the beers. That was your beer alarm. Like, oh, someone's working. I better have a drink. Our neighbours, he was having a good time.

You're having titties again. You missed a spot, can't you? Oh, someone's working. I'm going to have a drink. Our neighbours, you were having two knees and going, you missed a spot, cunt. We've had new people move in next door and they're pretty young and they're just like, this last week, they've been kicking on in the backyard every night until like 2am.

Fuck those young people. So loud and it's like, this is the cusp of my life where I'm the angry older neighbour. Yeah, you're so... Having to like go around and knock on the door. Last night was like 2am.

They were out yelling in the street and night was like 2am they were out yelling in the street and I'm like no don't I don't I thought this was another like 5 years off at least

like 35 having to do the knock did you do the knock I didn't but I'm like this is this is his version of the knock now

it's like talking loudly on a podcast I'll show them no last night was the real because it was like a few nights in a row and you go okay it's like you know No, last night was the real tip. Because it was like a few nights in a row and you go, okay. It's like, you know, summer breaks winding down a bit.

But last night was, you know, it's a Monday night. I'm like, this is forever now. This is a thing where it's like we're going to have to start to stamp this out. They've got like a, they've got a fire pit. They've had the fire pit going every night. I'm like 30 degree nights smoke just billowing over your hands you're the aussie adaptation of bad neighbors you are australian seth rogan we got we got um neighbors that uh i've done a bit of that where they just

they come and have their parties and it's outside the balcony and the balcony is right next to our bedroom and the baby's room and they just kick off And it's like the other night I did the whole come out like wearing fucking undies and just going, Cunts, can you fucking just. Dick in hand. Keep it down or I'll come over there and fuck you all. Then you'll have something to make noise about. I'm like, man, it's fucking half past 12. Can you fucking knock it off?

So I've done two of them. Yeah. And then I've had nothing to do with them. And then like a week later, so last week or a bit before last week, I get a knock on the door and it's them. I'm like, oh, this will be interesting. And then they go, yeah, we're going on one holidays. Can you just water our garden every day?

Very nice. And I'm like, yeah, no worries. Anyway, fast forward a week and a half. Their garden's fucked. Yeah. Just cutting the cables to the speakers and stuff while you're in there. Their garden is absolutely no good at all. But you've got leverage.

You can go and knock on a neighbour's... If you've got a kid, you can go and knock on the neighbour's door and be like, guys, you know, my three-year-old's trying to sleep. I don't have a leg to stand on. It's like, guys, I'm trying to game over here. I can hardly hear the big breasts wobbling around in Final Fantasy XIV if you don't mind. I can't hear a word Duke Nuke is saying.

Do you realise there's one person that can fix that problem and it's you? You just put a baby in someone and then you've got fucking collateral. I'm trying to play my silent drums. I mean, please. Just going next door and being like, guys, I've just ejaculated In there without a condom on So in nine months time There's going to be someone here That you'll be keeping up

So get used to it now Keep the noise down thanks Well speaking of This is a perfect episode for this Because I've got two Very well established comedy dads Yeah we are comedy dads Comedy dads

Up there with I think the holy trinity Would be you two and Ben Lomas Oh yes In terms of talking about their kids for comedic value. Dave O'Neill. Thank you.

You've left out the absolute OG. Dave O'Neill walked so that Ben Lomas can run. Well, run's a strong word. And also, the difference between us and Lomas is we actually tell the truth

about our kids. No, no, no. I don't know if you've ever met Ben Lomas' kid. I think his name is Oscar Wilde. The other day he went through an airport and said, I have nothing to declare except my genius at age one and a half. But, yeah. Backstory for the listener.

Lomas has a lot of comedy routines. The punchline of all of which is, then my kid said this. I don't have children, but it doesn't sound like the sort of thing a two-year-old would do. It's not adding up. Yeah. There seems to be a lot of lines that Bill Hicks has ripped off Blomass' kids at age three.

Whereas my kid legitimately, I did this on stage last night at your great venue, The Basement. My kid legitimately said to me yesterday, because I was like, he He had a Spiderman suit on And he had to take The whole thing off That's brave Did you go on the whole William Burrell Durell William Tyrrell

Yeah Tyrrell That's it The kid in Queensland Oh yeah Was he in a Spiderman suit Yeah Anyway that's funny Did you dress him like that

Yeah I'm just hoping Someone will take him I've got so many kids Someone's going to Fucking take one of them Anyway He takes the whole thing off And I'm just hoping someone will take him. I've got so many kids, someone's going to fucking take one of them. Anyway, he takes the whole thing off and I'm putting it back on. I said, we need a little bum flap in this.

And he's like, what's a bum flap? And I was like, a little flap so you can just undo it, do a shit and then off you go. He's like, that's sick. He goes, mum doesn't need it. I was like, why not? Mum's don't have bums. I was like, they do. He goes, no, no, no.

No, they've got a vulva and they pee and poo out their vulva. Normally I let... Your wife's a chicken. Yeah, exactly. A cloaca. They don't have a cloaca. What are you talking about? Mum's a budgie.

But I let him go with it. That's why our bedroom floor is covered in newspaper. I just thought, how long could I let him believe that for? Like, you know, fast forward 20 years and he's like, no, I don't go down on women. Are you serious? Okay, now what's the Ben Lomas version of that routine? That's what actually happened.

Yeah, then my kid flew away. He was actually Spider-Man, you see. So he slung some man off. He went into his own multiverse and um I love roasting a mate when he's not in the fucking room

absolutely but man I thought with the kid stuff though I found it so hard to not talk because it's like

they're just always there yeah just in your face they're just there to get an idea of anything else happening i'm like oh well because

you've just entered in my opinion the realm of real parenting whereas carl's still in the hobby mode yeah right because when you got one child it's like a hobby farmer oh you've got a donkey and a couple of cows do you it's like my my parents have got 60 acres and like two cows yes yeah that's what i'm doing that's the equivalent yeah one child that's that's the way that is once cows do you? It's like my parents have got 60 acres and like two cows. Yes. That's what I'm doing. That's the equivalent. One child,

that's what that is. Once you have two, you're like, fuck, that was easy. You've got battery children.

Yeah. You're on the free trial. They haven't started charging you cash. I literally have.

After a month then they really feed kids. I've got a 30-day free kid. I've got

caged pigs. credit card details on day 29. That's how the hospital get you. Otherwise they bill you for the whole year and then you're fucked. I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got

I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got

I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got

I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got I've got Yeah Believe you're the owner of the dick At the moment Yeah You'd probably love to scale back to three though You've got like fucking what 17 or something I've got 3,000

Okay Now yeah No but if I could have more children That are like my third I'd have heaps Right She's the fucking best Yeah

But if I If there was even a hint Of possibility That I'd have one like my second Ooh Motherfucker Okay That's it He's a lot Yeah He is a fucking lot If there was even a hint of possibility that I'd have one like my second, ooh, motherfucker. Okay.

That's it. He's a lot. Yeah. He is a fucking lot. A fierce fucking demigod. Well, I am- How old's yours now? Nearly three. So two and-

All right. Three quarters. Yeah. So- Painful. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, up and down.

So what- My favorite thing- Because I never talk about the kid really, a little blanket on this thing, but I thought with an environment like you guys, this is appropriate. That's not how your brain works. You'll stand up, you know, watermelon, stepladder.

Yes, yeah. If I want to be edgy. Watermelon, stepladder, igloo. Geranium. I'm drinking a house. That would be great, you midway through a Carl Chandler gig pulling out the stool to really tell it how it is. Can I tell you about my child, Blinkit?

Yeah, quite a gear shift. So what I love is when I change my kids at the moment, I don't know where she's – obviously I've said this at some point, but she has picked it up and then just held on to it for a few weeks or months

or whatever it is and then has pumped this one out now so this is what happens I put the kid down on the back to change her nappy and then

she doesn't say anything just lies there while I'm getting ready and whatever and I just go to open the nappy and then she leans in and looks me in the eye and whispers

who are you? what who are you what's inside wow that's mad that is genuinely terrifying it's so funny what's inside it's like it's like scream or whatever like a trail of a scream yeah but then you open it and it's always shit well it's one of two things right yeah it's like yeah place your bets scream. But then you open it and it's always shit. It's always shit. Well, it's one of two things, right? So it's like, place your bets. I'm not making this up. I'm not pulling a Lomas. In the first, this is the honest truth,

in the first six months of my third... My kid landed a plane on the Hudson River. My kid is Captain Sully. Because I've got two boys and then a girl. And I swear to God, for the first six months of Marigold's life, I'd open the nappy and every time I'd have just a mild shock of,

fuck, where's her dick gone? Because I was just... Oh, yeah, it must be. I was so used to changing nappies and a little dick and then fucking shit all around the balls and then I'd open, oh, fuck, what's happening? Oh, that's right, you're one of those.

He shat his dick off we've broken this one that's a third that's a third option for what's inside yeah it's somewhere that's fucking crazy man yeah

what's inside yeah and it's like when have I ever said that when have I ever gone up to my kid and gone what's inside how have's inside? And it's like, when have I ever said that? When have I ever gone up to my kid and gone, what's inside? How have you learnt that? And are you trying to stamp out this scary behaviour? Are you like, this is great?

No. Hilarious. You're still going to be changing nappies for her when she's like 21. Oh, yeah. Look, the first time I shit my pants. But then after that, I'm like, great. Every time she says it, I'm laughing my head off. This is the best.

Does she do it for your wife as well when she changes? Oh, that's a good question. I don't know. I don't believe so. I think she thinks that she's going to get a response off me. Right. Definitely. Whereas Don't Say Her Name's a bad comedy audience.

I don't get it. If you want to keep this going for as long as possible, you've got to get her on. You've got to say to her, hey, look, we need positive reinforcement for how funny this is. As she's delivering you to the old person home. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you dad yeah

and i'm like oh cool what is inside oh fuck you trapped me misery yeah do you know what i said it is still in there the other thing that she does is that um like comedy wise this is what she was out uh very very funnily enough Given there was an episode A little while back Where we had McGinley in The whole thing about Don't bring your kid to the pub

Etc etc Oh yeah I was there that day Yeah Yes exactly I was at the pub that day Yeah You were correct

Yes thank you What you're correct To not take your kid to the pub Definitely Then I'd never go to the pub No no no First day Sorry to bring it up again

But it was the first day It was like freedom day Oh fuck off Yeah What are you doing? Exactly Thank you Thank you

Because I saw that chatter online I'm like fuck off cunt I'll take my kid to the pub That's the only time No no no This was at mates meeting together Freedom day You leave that kid in the car

And don't even fucking crack the window You're doing anything to get it down to two actually you know what I just realised probably the more compelling argument of that is not like

oh you're going to ruin the pub for everyone else it's like McGinley after four months of just having to look after your kids in the same house non-stop

like even wanting to be around like not for yourself just wanting the day away yeah yeah so about a week after that I went to the pub with my kid and brought my kid along like other people were at the pub after freedom I know it was just very funny cuz everyone as I walked in everyone else was like

call me related just went well well well yeah so whatever so I go in there bring the kid in so she's the only kid in there that's where my son thinks chips are that's the only place where chips are. Right, right, right. Is at the pub. The chip house. He knows I've got a Palmer and he's like, fucking chips. Yeah, yeah.

So Nick Kappa, friend of the show, was one of the people there. And so, like I said, I don't know where she gets, you know, what's inside from. But then after hanging out with all those people, including Kappa, we go home and then she just starts doing this fucking weird thing. Or the rest of the day, the rest of the next day. And I'm trying to get to the bottom of it. She's doing this fucking weird dance where she sort of like walks, like clomps along with her legs splayed apart. Like she's almost like she shit herself again.

But the arms are out like Frankenstein. You know, like that. Like, you know, extended out. And then she's got her tongue hanging out like, you know, like that, like, you know, extended out. And then she's got her tongue hanging out like going, ooh, like that. Who can predict where this is going? And I'm like, what is this? And then she's like – She's doing a Kappa impression.

And I'm like, hang on. After all this time, I was like, hang on, is this the curly-haired man from yesterday? And she's like, yes. I'm like, oh, you're doing the Kappa dance. Yeah. Which is just him walking. Yeah.

So she's doing this absolutely insane like brain damage Frankenstein impression and it's like that's what you think Kappa is. What an intuitive child. That's cut through though. That's like Kappa should be bigger than he is. It's like, you know, all the famous cartoon characters. It's got to be a silhouette. It's got to be like Mickey Mouse, Bart Simpson.

It's got to be very easily recognisable. The fact that a two-year-old can pick up on the essence of Kappa, I guarantee she wasn't impersonating anyone else at that pub. Yes. Because they're just too, like, nondescript. There's nothing for it. I just love my two-year-old's had her first roast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's hanging shit on another comedian. She could get on SNL. Yeah, just like Daddy. She's ripped her first open mic up. See if she can do a good Trump. Yeah. And Cab is quite the opposite of you. You brought a kid to the pub and he only brought one ball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how much he didn't want to be kid at the pub. He's about as far away. He only brought 120 million sperm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just saying, every load's got 240 million. That's the joke there. Really?

We all knew that one. You know the number off by heart. 240 million. That's cool. What about this? Have you done... I don't think either of you guys would have done it. I know you haven't done this, Cody, but sleep school.

Did you ever do sleep school? Oh, no. Fuck that shit, mate. You've both got hippie wives. Yeah, we're co-sleepers. No, no. I am in sleep school right now. Right.

It's never ending. Right. Yeah, I sleep in a bed. Oh, fuck, grim thing I'll tell you in a sec. We tried sleep school 2019, so my first day was... So sleep school for people that don't have kids or... I reckon they figured it out. Well...

I mean, I am picturing like an actual university where it's like lesson one of the day pillows yeah don't put it on their head yeah the opposite of normal school

if someone's awake it's like fuck cunt detention you have to go to nap time high before you can go to sleep we took

we took Charlotte like middle of 2019 to some day It was just one day We took him there And he just He was sleeping like a cunt And I'd been away heaps

And I think Lurch was just at her Fucking Just had it up to here Wits end Up to pussy's bow Up to her guts in nuts No no So it's a different thing

That's how she got in the situation The sleep professor Or whatever their fucking term Just said something that When someone's that tired Looch is like Nah we're done here Yeah

Fuck Just Yeah So Looch needed to go to sleep school That's the That's the trick That is real like That's a real job where it's like

Whose passion is that? Like who's You know What are you going to study at uni? I'd like to be I'd like to be a sleep doctor for babies. I'd like to spend my life teaching babies how to sleep. Like, there's no point being fucking grey area on this. I'm going to call absolute bullshit on sleep school.

Like, it's fucking horse shit and it is another result of capitalism. It's like, how can I make money selling snake oil? That's what fucking sleep school is. Sure it works. I'll tell you what, just do what Harley's wife does and put the dream catcher

above the car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do what we do and have an actual bedroom. Like, the whole room is bed and it's just, like,

I'm on the floor on a queen bed and there's the queen bed normal with a fucking frame and Marigold's in that one walter and i are in the other one oh yeah sometimes a big guy comes in oh yeah it's great it's those families that you see documentaries on that all moved out into the woods yeah that's what we

like if you don't mind me i might just go and drink another slab of snake oil to be honest i want that snake oil i'm on a I'm on a single bed in Charlie's room that he's just, he was in a cot and he's in a single bed and to help at the start I slept in the single bed with him

and like last year he'd be in the cot, he'd wake up in the night, he's never slept through. I bring him into this fucked old rickety shit single bed that I wake up

and go and do breakfast radio and I get annoyed about the bed and Lucha's like, buy 20 beds you fucking stupid fucking breakfast radio and I get annoyed about the bed and Lucha's like buy 20 beds you fucking stupid fucking idiot please stop whinging about the bed and then the other week Lucha's mum's like yeah no wonder you don't

like it that was Lucha's bed when she was Charlie's age it's like a 35 year old bed my back's sore you're on breakfast radio I bought a trundle bed you can literally afford the best bed in the world now I bought a trundle. You're on breakfast radio. I've got a trundle bed. You can literally afford the best bed in the world. I've now bought a trundle bed that's turning up,

so now I get to have like a sleepover in my son's room. He's on a big bed. I wheel the thing out underneath. I've got night money. Yeah, you guys are right. Sleep school sucks. Yeah, how does it work though? It's like a role reverse.

It's like it's Charlie's weekend with me. I'm just glad I'm sleeping over. I am just getting used to the inevitable divorce. Yeah, yeah, exactly. The inevitable. Or as I call it, marriage school. So you go in the classroom, Captain Snooze is there. Rod Condock's on the front.

No, no, he couldn't be there. Admiral Nine-oze is there. Rod Condock down the front. No, no, he couldn't be there. Admiral Nine Eyes was there filling in substitute

teacher. So we did it early on and fixed her like three months ago.

You got it fixed? No, that's the place. And please, Cal's wife is Italian. They went

to Dr. Franco Cozzo. So we went... Brunswick, a Buddhist grey, and now in a Hawthorne. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean you're going to sleep on a porcelain bed? Yeah, yeah.

Just so you know, dear listener, I did the eyes. Yeah, yeah. The Italian eyes. Yeah, the Italian eyes. The eye ties. There we go. Thank you. That's the bit for the ad so uh uh three months in we did it and and you

had to take take her along to sleep school and and she got all fixed up and it actually worked and all that sort of stuff and it's like fucking great because three months in you know we didn't know what the fuck we're doing and we're like there was one point where i remember like you're just going can you sleep and the kid's like, no. I'm like, well, I'm out of ideas. I don't know what else to do. I asked nicely. And then I was walking.

I remember walking. So sleep school, it's like a place where you take the child to. In this instance, it was. Okay. Yes. Essentially, it's training parents on how to train your kid to stay. It's like dog school isn't for the dog. Yes, exactly.

I'll listen to someone if they know what to fucking tell me. It makes no difference to me. You know, it can't be for the dog. It's going to eat its own homework. So, yeah, you can't do that. So, I was, yeah, we got to a point where it was like I was out walking the kid at like, this is like two, three months in, I was walking the kid at like 1am. And someone had hit me up on Facebook, saw me on Facebook and was like, oh, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm actually out walking my kid. And the person was like, look, someone had hit me up on Facebook saw me on Facebook and was like oh what are you doing

I'm like I'm actually out walking my kid and the person was like look I don't know much about parenting but I think that you're not supposed to keep your 3 month old up at 1am and walk around I'm like oh fucking no shit do you think I'm fucking waking the kid up and going come on let's go out and do some bulbs in the park this is my first choice

fuckhead let's go to 24 hour Kmart come on let's pretend we're the warriors in the park. This is my first choice fuckhead. Let's go to 24-hour Kmart. Come on. Let's pretend we're the Warriors, a gang just trying to get across. Let's go and find the Coney Island in Hawthorne. I slept two nights in the first three years of my life. My old man would do the same thing. He'd put me in the car at one o'clock in the morning

and just drive around. Two nights in three years and on those two nights, mum sent dad in to wake me up because she thought I'd fucking died. Oh, yeah. And so I've heard that story my whole life.

And then I got my first kid. Six weeks, maybe 10 weeks in, slept from seven to seven. Right. Just bang, done. I'm like, I don't know what everyone's talking about. Yeah. It's fucking easy. Then Walter arrived.

Fuck me dead. Still not. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Chadless never slept through. So I did that so I went to sleep school

and what it essentially is is like weirdly enough considering what you think of me it's like teaching you to just get your shit together

and go fucking kid get to sleep just fucking do it and you'd probably assume I'd already you know I know how to do it

at the open mic so you'd think I'd know how to do it to my fucking kid but you're threatening to ban her at Spleen and she's like, what is that? I'm giving her the light. You know, go to sleep in one minute time.

You've done your five minutes of crying. Get off. Get off stage. So, yeah, it's basically, it's like teaching you how to like get over the fact that they're like crying and kicking off and everything and just like mentally block that out and just get the job done that needs to be done. So that lasted about two years. And so we had to have a, we had to have the booster.

We had to have the booster sleep. Yeah, because she went into a natural sleep regression. Yeah. At two. Yeah. Yeah, it's just normal. Yeah, so we got, so she just went all over the joint in terms of sleep

and it was fucking, took an hour or two to get her to sleep at night. We copped that for about a month, two months and then went, right, we've got to figure this out. I talked to a friend of the show, Tommy Little. Tommy Little was like... I reckon he's been to opposite sleep school. Yeah, yeah.

He's been to a school to help him not sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, sleep school costs a lot more than $300. Well, he's still paying that. That's what you get when you buy in bulk, I guess. What are we talking about? It looks like baby powder, I guess. Sorry. bulk i guess what are we talking about i guess so uh talking to him about he goes oh um you know

he does a radio show with carrie bickmore oh she just had someone come in and like a sleep doctor come in and fix her kid up you should use that person i'm like oh okay but then he comes back with the info and goes oh she's like so popular obviously and all this sort of stuff just yeah i don't know how you're going to get get get through i don't know whether you can drop my name or something like that so what we essentially what we then did is got my wife to hit the sleep doctor up and go yeah i was talking to my friend carrie bickmore the other day we were hanging out and she was recommending you just dropping her name as much as you can in an email it's like and then she's like i'll be right over it's like fucking hell when the reality of that scenario is

my husband works on the show that she's on yes and i don't think carrie even knows his name or that he exists absolutely and has never talked to him in 10 years he's on the ropes he's really depressed he needs this appointment please yeah so and again like the the straw broke in the camel's back was

there was one point where my wife had given up and it was like she'd gone to bed at 7.30 and gone I can't do this again

you take her from here I'm like alright I'll sit up all night and watch cartoons fucking whatever sat up got to like 9.30 got to 10.30

see this is also the difference with the hippie wives and the not hippie wives. That is like just putting the TV on for the kid is not a possibility of my house. Right. No. Same, mate.

It's like the other day, Hannah went out with a friend. It gets me half an hour or something. And I'm there with just the three kids. And she's like, I'm just a bit worried you'll be here on your own with the three kids. I'm like, peace, peace, I'll be fine. See ya. The moment the door shut click

mate I cleaned the house I cooked dinner I fed them in front of the TV they fucking didn't even know food was going in their mouth I was just spooning it in whole thing

fed then put on stories on the phone got that playing because we do heaps of that like people reading stories in the bath into bed

lights out boom as an outsider about ten minutes later they're like fuck I've been watching screens for three hours because we do heaps of that, like people reading stories, in the bath, into bed, lights out, boom. As an outsider. About 10 minutes later, they're like, fuck, I've been watching screens for three hours. As an outsider,

you do see the effect that TV has on a young child and people who give themselves that cut off of like, no, we're never going to do that. It's like, why would you do that to yourself? Well, the thing is,

since the pandemic hit, we were essentially a screen free house. Like we didn't have screens. Even my big kids. Charlie never got to see it until he was two. Yeah. Because that was like the World Health Organization. We did two weeks in hotel quarantine in Brisbane with no screen.

What? And I was sober. And there was a balcony. And I didn't kill myself. That's amazing. I'm a king. Thank you. You're solid.

You're going to live to 100. Well, yeah. We were no screens and then we moved out to the bush and we sort of didn't need them. We didn't need the screens in the bush and then we moved back in and it was just all of a sudden, hey, mate, just watch that for a second

and then some days it's like, yeah, look, it's 8.30. Fuck it. It's going on and just all day long. As soon as you turn them off, their fucking heads are fried. And they don't know, they don't even know how to regulate their emotions anymore.

They don't know how to fucking play. Everything's emotional. So it's like, I'm at the point now, I'm like, can we just do screens all the time? Or just blow them all up. Once the dam has started to break,

it's like, fuck it, let's just leave it all the. Once the dam has started to break, it's like, fuck it. Let's just leave all the way in. Well, anyway, the penultimate day of all this going on, wife had given up. She was asleep. I'm out there going, oh, I'll just have the TV on. You can do whatever the fuck you want, blah, blah, blah.

We get to 8.30, 9.30, 10.30. Why not Koh Samui webcam for the kid? Nothing would put a child to sleep more than... She's into it. She's into it, don't worry. I've trained her to go up to her mum and go, when are we going to Thailand? Oh, wow.

Great. I've got screensavers on the computer that are like all Thailand beaches and she's like, I want to go there. I'm like, yes, please. There's a vote of two out of three that want to go to Thailand in this house. That's official. We have to go. It's this house. That's official. We have to go. It's a democracy.

That's official. Yeah. I don't think she's voting age. Mummy, I want to meet stepbrother. All right, another vote for Thailand. So got to 10, 10.30. I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm fried. I don't want to do this anymore.

So I got to the point. So I got to 11.30 at night where it had scaled down from the laptop was off the TV was off the wife's been in bed for four hours now I'd turned the lights off

the curtains were down I'm now on the couch with the doona pulled over my head pretending to sleep and trying to sleep the kid is still walking around

in the in complete pitch black dark yeah just going bumping into things found a sponge and was like cleaning the table good on her there you go i'm going it's time do you want to go to bed it's time for bed no daddy i'm too busy i've got to clean this place up it's a mess i'm like yeah well fuck it yes it is a mess if there's going to be a kid walking around the dark bumping shit over of course there's going to be next door to water the fucking plants no then your neighbors are coming over going can you keep it down over there yeah

getting knocked over every three seconds yeah so they can't enjoy our party so then it's like right so we've got to get a sleep doctor and so she she comes in and she's got the whole thing of like i've seen it all i know what what i'm doing i come in i'm the fucking terminal house call yes house call yeah so she comes in and goes, and she's heard all the symptoms or what's going on. Usually she makes it like some long weekend where she has to stay over

and absolutely charge through the fucking asshole. Wow. That's some expensive fucking snake oil. Yes, yes. Do you think that's like, you know, people that do-

Top shelf snake oil. You know people that do pet sitting and they'll like brag about how like, it's so great. I don't even have my own apartment. You just go, you stay in people's houses, you look after their pets. Imagine a sleep doctor.

That's like, I just live in family's houses. I haven't paid rent in four years. That's a good business model. By the way, I reckon the plan for your kid and Kerry's kid might be different just based on the size of the house. Like, did she come in and go, Carl, have you tried just putting the baby in the east wing?

Oh, hold on. That's her apartment. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When she says it's normally a long weekend, it's like, oh, there's no room for me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to have my own en suite.

Fuck this. Oh, I'm sleeping in a cot. No, actually. So she comes in and goes, all right, here we go. And this was great because there is a bit of satisfaction of seeing a drill sergeant come in and kick your kid's ass, go, no, cunt, we're not putting up with that. This is what's fucking going on.

What's your kid's response when this stranger comes in through the front door? Not positive. What's her take on it? Not heaps great. Right. But, yeah, I mean, that's the process. She warns you and goes, look, this is what I'm going to come in and kick your kid's ass and that's it.

You're going to have to put up with a fair bit of screaming and whatever, but we're going to get there in the end. It's like, great. This is a psycho person that wants to do this job. Imagine paying somebody that says to you, at top dollar, your kid's got to scream for a while. Pardon? Yeah.

No, I'm paying you so that doesn't happen. Love what you do and you'll never work a day in your life abusing children. Yeah, because I'm obviously more of the tough love parent than my wife is. That's part of the problem. It's like the kid doesn't want to go to bed at 11.30 and my wife's response is,

well, maybe she needs some Neapolitan ice cream. It's like, probably not. I don't reckon that's the answer at all, I don't think. I mean, don't call me a hippie, but I reckon ice cream at 11 o'clock at night, not a good call for anyone, really. Bad on the tum-tum. Regardless of the age.

Yeah. So then the sleep doctor comes in and goes, right, this is what we're going to do. We just bought a new single bed because that was another one of the things where it's like, okay, well, maybe she just needs a new bed. Maybe that's going to be the trick. If she has a grown-up bed,

maybe she'll want to sleep in that. And then we brought that in. She goes, oh, my God, new bed. Anyway, I want to sit up and watch Rage. It's like, oh, fuck, that didn't fix it. King Gizzard of programming. Yeah, yeah. So anyway.

That'll help a toddler sleep. Rage, Rage, Rage, Rage, Rage, Rage, Rage, Rage, Rage. Get out of the house, Josh Earl. Yeah, yeah. And the kid's like, just one more. I just want to see what's in the top 50 so anyway she has got the cot

and the bed in the same room and we're like oh do you want to sleep in the bed and the sleep dog is like no no we need to get her

to sleep in the cot that's what we're doing like okay alright you're the boss so then she's doing that and she's forcing her to go in the cot and it's like

well she knows how to climb out of the cot she's like quite a tall kid so she knows how to jailbreak she knows how to get out and she's forcing her to go in the cot. And it's like, well, she knows how to climb out of the cot. She's quite a tall kid. So she knows how to jailbreak. She knows how to get out of there. No, no, no, this is what we're doing. Anyway, two minutes later, the kid goes to climb out of the cot and falls headfirst on the ground.

And the sleep doctor screams and goes, I've never seen that before in my life. I'm like, fucking hell. What are we paying? You've never seen that. That's what she said. I'm going to fucking hell. What are we paying? You've never seen that. Hold on. I'm going to call the learn how to walk again doctor. Oh no, wrong doctor.

The doctor. I'm going to call the doctor doctor. If only it was a person that I did that wasn't horseshit. I mean, she did get your kid to sleep and forever. Do you think it's like how, you know, like therapists, like psychologists need to have their own psychologist to like talk to,

to like get the stuff that they're dealing with. So you've got the sleep doctor doctor who's like, I just can't sleep because I hear the cries and screams of all the children I'm working with. The land on their head. I need help calming down at the end of the day. So then, yeah, she just freaked out.

I'm like, oh my God, now I've got to have a stranger in our house that's worse at our job than we are, but gets paid way better for it. So then she just kicked on and kept going, kept going until I guess the kid got tired and gave up, I guess. But this is good cop, bad cop. It's like, you know, the sleep doctor comes in and it's like, look, under my rule, you hit your head when you didn't go to sleep. You got injured because of not going to sleep.

But when I'm gone, when mummy and daddy, now you know how bad it can be, you know, listen to what they say because they're not physically abusing you. Look, she's dozed off, Carl. It's like, yeah, due to a lack of blood. Yeah. Have a look at the puddle on the floor. So just in future, if you need your kid to go to sleep,

here's a baseball bat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because we're learning, as we were saying before, So just in future If you need your kid To go to sleep Here's a baseball bat Yeah Yeah Yeah Because we're learning As we were saying before We're learning from the sleep doctor More than the kids are learning

So we're learning To drop the kid Great fights Yeah The ultimate hippies You don't need formula Or anything like that You just use gravity mate

It's all around It's all natural Yeah Isaac Newton was The original sleep doctor Yeah Blunt force trauma So anyway At the end of it There was extremely tough love Obviously dogs. Blunt force trauma.

So anyway, at the end of it, there was extremely tough love, obviously, given that example. Yeah. But we got there in the end. Anyway. How many nights does this take? One. Took one night. Oh, right.

What time is this? This is all kicking off. This is 7, 7.30. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So this is training her to go to sleep at that time. She's missing Seinfeld.

Yes, absolutely. Devastating. Yeah. So then we go, oh, we'll see what happens next you know the next night when the sleep dog's not there but fucking trained like we're scared trained whatever it is after one night yep absolutely done i guess at that age that is a fair percentage of her life yeah that's like one of us enduring that for like six months or something yeah but it's like, so she just got scared shitless. It's like bringing a juvie kid to jail. Scared straight. Yeah, to jail and going, this is what's going to happen.

You're going to get raped in jail unless you stop stealing bubble gum. Yeah. So that's what it's like with the kids. So the kid is from now on. What a scenario. I sentence you for the crime of stealing Hubba Bubba to getting raped in jail.

Well, they say crime doesn't pay. But look at this. Yeah, looks like I'm changing to extra. So the kid is now like, the next day from that day onwards is like, straight to bed at 7.30, bath, is like straight to bed at 7.30,

bath, story time, in bed at 7.30, asleep. Now, the worst thing she does is, it's so funny, we find out that every night she is now getting out of bed, opening the door by herself, not waking us up, not doing anything, just going to the fridge at age two and helping herself to a drink and then going back, going back to bed. And then in the morning, we go, we sort of look around the evidence and go hang on she's been up and she's gone to get a drink and what's let you know helped herself to a chang or two or whatever like what's what's what's going on here she's learning how to open the bottle with her teeth i'm getting a i'm getting a new pair of these in a few years fuck it

yeah if you'll have to bottle open her out she's in there drinking a Chang just ranting about the ABC that's a Chang not a Ronnie Chang so and then it's like we're like hang on did you and we're saying to it did you get up and get a drink in the middle of night she's like sorry daddy She's like, sorry, daddy. It's like, fuck, she's being absolutely scared shitless. Wow. She's apologising for getting up and getting a drink of water in the middle of the night now.

Fuck, so she's just having nightmares about the scary sleep doctor. Yeah. So, Harley, again, we're the weirdos for just sleeping next to her kid. Hey, hey, no, I'm the weirdo for getting 10 hours a night now. Sleep. Fuck Fuck it's beautiful It's so good I don't mind sleeping With my kids to be honest

Like I talk shit about it On stage And I talk shit about it here It's like It feels completely natural To me To just go to bed And my kids are in bed

Yeah best because You're having 3 hours Of sleep a night Your brain's not working properly Yeah that's true too Yeah that's true too You've got Stockholm Syndrome Yeah that's

That's probably it actually I'll tell you the best thing That can happen as a parent is that... You're blowing that Hubba Bubba in jail and getting raped. It feels good. The bubbles are really... They're strawberry. It tastes beautiful. To be fair, I did ask for this.

No, I think the best moment for a parent is that moment when they do get up and just get themselves a drink. It's fucking excellent. Like, Walter's up now and just makes his own breakfast it's a fucking shit storm but i'm like good you fed yourself that's great he's you know wheat bix and milk is sort of what he can do he's not easy he's four yeah well it turns five in in uh in a month um whereas the big kid poaches his own eggs and we'll often poach eggs for the little kids. You've got a little cafe going here. Yeah, it's the best.

It's awesome. I love it. The No Clocks Cafe. Yeah, I'm thinking about having more. Fuck it. More customers. We've opened a franchise of cafes. We've been babysitting my girlfriend's three-year-old nephew a little bit recently.

So, you know, not that it's the same experience. Do you want some more? We'll get a little window into that. Yeah, bring a few around. We'll get our own cafe going over here. This could be the Fitzroy plan. Awesome. Three's a...

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, it's been kind of nice. It's been like, you know, he starts coming around, didn't know me, but it's been kind of nice like he's, you know... Well, you've got the same toys as him, so... Well, that's it. Without this being the plan, in this room that we're in,

I have accidentally created a three-year-old's paradise. Oh, yes. Comes in plan In this room that we're in I have accidentally created a three year old's paradise Comes in, loves this room All he wants to do is be in this room Most commonly used phrase by the kid Tommy can I have a turn now? And also you've unwittingly become the dad from the Lego movie Don't touch it You're Lord Business

I want to have a go of the Lego Man. I'm like, it's Mario. Can't learn history. I've got a Seinfeld Lego set that he's obsessed with and it's like, you haven't even watched the show. Check out the marine biologist. See the contest. Watch 10 of the classics and then

you can have a go. Because you're not appreciating all the references. You probably don't even know the guy from Curb worked on this. It's got the little Festivus stick. He doesn't even fucking know what it is. He just thinks it's a fun little – He's barely across Christmas. Yeah.

But, yeah, so it was kind of nice, like, him coming in and being like, oh, you know, he seems pretty excited when he comes in and sees me and being like, yeah, really bonding with this kid. It feels nice. And then a few weeks ago we had him and I had to do something on Zoom. So I had to be in here with the door closed and it was like an on-camera

thing. So it was like, hey, you're saying to my girlfriend to try and make sure he doesn't come in. And he, like being told he can't come in this room, he kicks off. He goes crazy. That's immediately where he wants to be. Also, very dodgy, I would assume normally when you're saying you can't come in this room, it's like

fuck, Uncle Tommy's having a big old wank. Something's happening in here. So he was apparently just like bashing, and I had the headphones on so I couldn't hear this. He was just bashing on the door of this room in the hallway. My girlfriend had to try and pry him away and he's just going psycho,

just bashing on the door going i want to go in toby's room great i want to go in toby's playroom so now i'm i'm uncle toby like this is great i'm really bonding with this kid he loves coming around i'm part of the family uncle toby's lock uncle toby's locked the door he's playing with his muesli bar in here so yeah i was like this whole time thinking i'm making strides the fucking little cunt doesn't Uncle Toby's locked the door. He's playing with his muesli bar in there. He can't come in. So, yeah, I was like this whole time thinking I'm making strides. The fucking little cunt, doesn't he? Forget Mario and Seinfeld. He doesn't even know who I am.

Matt, we had someone at the radio station last year who popped for Rome. It was like three weeks before everything opened. But because they popped and I'd been near them, I had to isolate for 10 days. And some of the bosses at the radio station that don't have kids are like, we'll just send a kit to your house and you just do radio from there and i'm like oh fucking yeah sick idea um if you don't know how a three-year-old boy is gonna act with me just trying to sit quietly in another room like he will fucking kick the door down i want to go in nigel's room so i got to i want to go in Daddy Nigel's room.

Have you ever had a three-year-old on talkback, like, ring in? Like, you know, it doesn't go well, does it? So it's not going to go well in this way either. When have you ever been forbidden from going in a fun office? Give us a call. Have you ever eaten your poo? Ring in. One, three, one, three, one, three.

No, don't worry about the numbers. It's just Fred Flintstone on your phone. 13, 10, 60. What's inside have you ever learned that's actually a really good radio game

what's inside what's inside yeah it's like the kids version of seven yeah what's inside you've just got to get

fed to describe it and it just gets more and more confusing yeah you win a million dollars if you can if you can guess what's inside. What's inside.

The new secret sound. Without any other description or any other context, just saying here's our new radio promotion. What's inside. And you're trying to guess. It's so good. Yeah, from the tone and vibe of how they're saying it. Those are the clues that you need.

And people are like, what's inside what? No other questions. No, no, no. Just answer what's inside. Just have a punt. You could tease that for a month. Oh, easy. And people will be like, fucking have you heard?

Oh, man. No. What is it? On Triple M, people are still trying to work out what the question is, rather than what the answer is. I can see the cogs turning in Cody's head. No, well, it's so loud. Everything's so fucking loud and noise on...

It does stand out. What's inside? That and Triple M, the only two things whispered. Triple M. Maybe it's Triple M's inside. Are they still doing that? Is that still that same whisper from fucking 30 years ago? Triple M.

It was like four people, I think. It was like four people saying it that got recorded. It's from like 30 years ago when they couldn't figure out how to turn the microphone down in there, so they just whispered things. Right, if you want things to be softer. They should have a woman whispering it in 2021. It's disgusting.

Disgusting what they get away with in there. On Triple M. On the blokes level. On the blokes network. Yeah, there's no announcers. I just want to say thank you very much for the employment, Triple M. Look forward to the new year. Oh, yeah, well, on behalf of me and Tommy,

who have never worked for them, go fuck yourself. Hey, you're on Barry? We were on Barry. I remember Barry. Barry FM, that was their digital station that they kicked us off and then brought back again and didn't get us back on. Well, speaking of what's inside, last weekend I went and caught up with a mate,

had a couple of beers, walking home, texting my girlfriend, she'd already eaten, so I stopped off and got a pizza, brought the pizza home, have a delicious pizza dinner, wake up in the middle of the night, just first of all that really salty pizza where you just wake up at 4 a.m. and you're like, if I don't have eight liters of water right now,

my head is going to fucking explode. That's what my kid's doing, sneaking out and getting a pizza. That's why she's getting a drink. I told you, man. She's in the fridge getting the drink. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's worked out how to dial dominoes on her toy phone. I told you, man.

We need a sleep doctor. We just need to fucking stop the capricioses getting delivered. Yeah. No, no, yeah. Less sleep. Don't need the sleep doctor. You just need to fucking stop the capriciosus getting delivered. Yeah. No, no, yeah. Less sleep. Don't need the sleep doctor. You just need Dougie to stop coming around. Dougie.

Fucking all the great references on this podcast. So up to date. We're going to put this episode in the Smithsonian. I had an ex whose brother worked for Pizza Hut as a delivery guy at one point and he looked like Dougie and this was roughly around the same time as he was. So every time he'd deliver a pizza pizza people just were like losing their minds thinking like oh this is a promotion where they actually send dougie around i'm gonna fuck the guy from the ad be good to your mother so uh yeah come uh yeah up in the middle of the night and then uh yeah just

get up in the morning so crook just. Just it's all happening. Constant spewing. Constant just cannot stop shitting. Just a brutal day. And then as the day goes on, get a little bit better. You're talking to me and you're going, I think I've got. Well, like, yeah. First of all, I'm like, this is food poisoning. And then enough of the other symptoms start to creep in where I'm like, all right, I think I've got COVID.

Because everyone in Melbourne has it at the moment just seems like it's a matter of time until you get it from being out at something i've been at a party like a few days before where a few people had started testing positive and i'm like oh okay well i don't know your covid situation but i know you don't have food poisoning anymore because you've got tan pants on and a white t-shirt that is a man with food poisoning in the past. I'm living it up. It's a confident man. Yeah, doing all the things that I never could, you know. This is all happening less than two weeks out

from the big 500th episode of the Athenaeum. So it's all like, fuck, if you've got COVID, what's going to happen here? But that, I mean, that part of it, I was like, you know what, this is fine because I'll be out of the isolation in time to do that show. But it was very close. It must have been like a day or something.

I would have gotten out four or five days before. Oh, really? Yeah. It would have been fine. And that honestly was like, okay, you know what? Fine. I'm getting it out of the way. I'd rather be doing this now like a week and a bit before that show

than be getting sick four days before or whatever this is actually fine smart so i go and get a test and then i'm and then like over the next like 48 hours i'm like i'm kind of eating again i've had plenty of fluid so and then i'm still feeling awful and i'm like convinced i'm like this is it i've got the fevers i've written you off i'm like. Well, we've had to do an episode remotely. Yep. Yep. Yep.

I was like, that's it. And at the same time, I have three friends in a group chat who all through different things. We're all in the same boat at the same time, texting each other going, oh my God, I've got the brain fog. Like I had a moment where I was in the kitchen and I could not remember where we keep the bowls in this house. I was like, where the fuck are the bowls? I'm like,

oh man. This is where Harley and I talk about that we probably had COVID and didn't know because that's every day. Every day. Always. I don't know what's happened.

Where are my keys? I don't know what I'm doing. What do I walk out of here for? What the fuck's going on? Again, probably track that back to the two hours sleep at night you guys get.

Or maybe like the couple of decades worth of drugs. The two hours a night of sleep he always had. More high quality sleep. I blame my kids for a lot of my choices. Why is there all this white around my nose, my kids? I mean, yeah, you're not sleeping anymore still, but at least you've got a shred of serotonin as compared to those days. There's a tiny bit of dopamine left.

Yeah. So I'm, yeah, and yeah, me and this group of friends and we're all messaging going like, oh, I've lost my taste. And yeah, I'm like, oh, I've got the chills, got the fevers. Yeah, yeah. I've got the brain fog. Oh, it's really severe. Anyway, text comes in, don't have covid no just a fucking idiot who can't remember where things are in the house

no excuse for any of this behavior all of the people in this group chat all of us negative just going have we been gaslit by melbourne pathology because i truly i feel insane like i was talking to someone the other week remember Remember in Sydney there was like all those people that got false negatives? It's like they must have thought they were losing their fucking minds. So turns out no COVID, just can't handle a pizza. The most unadventurous and mild food that exists.

I just love that we had to remotely do an episode because you ate a Tropicana. Yeah, it was a pepperoni, thank you. Less spicy cough, more spicy salami. A super spreading event or four dumb cunts who ate too late? Less super spreader event, more super special event. Super supreme event. I love the whole loss of taste part of COVID too.

It's like, yeah, try smoking since 1994. I haven't tasted anything since the early 2000s so yeah i basically i did the week of isolation i got really sick and it's and the funny thing is well you've been doing it for years to be yeah thank you yeah it was um more grist for the meal but like being really sick for a week and then getting there it's like i still was i probably was more sick than i would be if i had covid because I'm vaxxed and all of that. But no one cares. Do you think the vax helped with the pizza that you ate?

Do you think that made it any better? Can you get a vax for being a dumb cunt? Fuck yeah. A loaded revolver. A bit of hose and a car. Some rope. Don't put that poison into your body, man. It doesn't work.

That was my phone. Did you see that bloke in Richmond the other week? No. To protest the vaccine, he just poured petrol all over himself and set himself on fire. You go, good one following the science champion. Is that a real thing? Yeah.

I hate to have that Pfizer in me. Well, don't put the poison in you. Put it on you. Jesus Christ. I'll take the Pfizer instead. Yeah, what was his point? What was the plan? Yeah.

I don't know if he had one. I don't think he had one. Well, he bought the petrol. There's some kind of planning there. I don't think he was of one I don't think Well he bought the petrol There's some kind of planning there I don't think he was of sound mind At that particular moment I'd like to hear an explanation That made any shred of sense

I felt like doing that After my negative result I was disappointed I was like I was committed I was resigned to having it Now I've done I've done the full week of isolation

Convinced I had it I've gone through all that And now I'm free to just go out And get it Probably fucking doing this podcast You're probably now I've gone through all that and now I'm free to just go out and get it probably fucking doing this podcast you probably now I've probably got it

yeah I've heard I'm not testing anymore let us know what shop and what sort of pizza it was so we know how to how to

replicate the symptoms for COVID just through dinner yeah okay yeah it's like a it's like a COVID cover band

if you just get that pizza yeah it's like kind of it's like weight training for COVID right because it's like you think it is more like weight training for COVID. Right, right. Because it's like, I think it is more, it's more severe.

Astronaut training. Yeah, it'll get you used to. Zero gravity. So go and get the pepperoni from Little Readers in Abbotsford. Train hard, fight easy. Yeah. That's the old, yeah, you've done it. Yeah, altitude training.

See, I feel bad though, because you stayed inside for seven days, but that would suck for people without kids because you are missing out on a bunch of shit but when that guy at work got covered and we all had to isolate luch didn't want me at home she said i don't want to get it i want don't want the kids getting it yeah you have to leave for 10 days and i was like okay and rented a one-bedroom apartment in the docklands and had the fucking best 10 days. I'll bet. Just stayed inside, Dan Murphy sending booze.

I'd make sure I had a healthy breakfast. I'd do a little dumb lounge room workout and then at 11, maggot. Yeah. It was the best time. I went on holiday recently. Yuck. Compared to the 10 days by myself in a one-bedroom thing. Oh, the fucking best, man.

I did two weeks of quarantine in New Zealand in a motor inn outside Hamilton. And it's probably the best two weeks of my fucking life. In a motor inn? Quarantining in a motor inn? Just so you know, the best place to quarantine, because I've done two of them. One was in a high rise in the middle of Sydney on the 47th floor. Not once did they check in. How are you, both physical or mental health. None. They just fucking get up there and shut up and don't open your fucking door.

Whereas in New Zealand... Why check on mental health of someone on the 47th floor? What are they going to do? Well, the window's going to open, so yeah, what are you going to do? We've taken the curtains. In New Zealand, because you're on the ground level, your door just opens to the car park. We were allowed out on the hour every odd hour.

To use the ice machine. No, to walk around, have a smoke, have a yarn. Pool? No, we weren't allowed in the pool. There was a motel pool, but we weren't allowed in there. It was fucking great. I loved it. And I wasn't even drinking in that particular...

See, because I did the sober one in Brisbane with the family in 2020 and I wasn't even drinking in that particular... See, because I did the cyber one in Brisbane with the family in 2020 and I thought, never again. I thought that was the worst experience ever, two weeks in a hotel room.

So I got to do the complete opposite way better. Turns out you don't hate quarantine, you just hate your kid. I got so maggot one day, I couldn't keep up with a 30 for 30 documentary.

I had to pause it and have a nap. I was like, what's going on? He scored a goal or something. This Jordan guy is a basketball player

but they keep calling him a goat. What the fuck? I think I can only do a 14 for 14. I don't think I've got it in me. So you were doing

Brekkie Radio from the apartment. Yeah, and they had to pre-record a bunch of stuff. So when were you doing that? Arvos. So your maggot doing...

No, no, no, no. Do that. And then... Then get on it. Yeah, blind. Excellent. It was the best part. Got to have an early night before breakfast radio the next day.

So maggot at 11, asleep at 4pm. But that's the thing, because I'm so used to fuck sleep in a 35-year-old bed with a three-year-old in the room with me. If you just get five hours in a hotel bed by yourself, it's the equivalent of 20 hours sleep. Like, who cares? You know those shitty little two-seater couches in hotel rooms?

I have some of the best sleeps I've ever had on that. I'm six foot four. I'll lie down on that. I'll go, fuck, this is heaven. This is great. All of a sudden, me having the trots and being convinced it was COVID seems more sane compared to some of the stuff you guys are coming out with. Parenting is actual insanity.

It's mental that you don't eat them. Like it's crazy. What happened in the evolutionary process where we looked at them and went, no, I'll keep nurturing that. Like it's fucking mental. And this is how fucked the lack of sleep and everything and what it does to your brain. Chando paid a woman to almost fucking turn the kid into a quadriplegic

and he's like but now we're getting 10 hours a night and he's forgotten how fucked the non-sleep is he's like getting 10 hours fuckhead it's like my kid's terrified

and her neck's fucked but I'm sleeping 10 hours eat shit you feel better who cares can I ask you don't have to say

the exact amount but this sleep doctor what are they you know what answer do you want if i don't have to say the exact amount in hospitalities right comparative couple of good nights couple of good comparative to other industries would you say it's like a very like a good earner is it a high very good because the people are desperate right you've got them you've

got all the leverage exactly it's a very good earner. The hourly rate is off the charts. Where's her qualification? I might get into it if all you've got to do is pick them up and fucking chuck them on the ground. Man, honestly, there is such a market

for adult sleep doctor. For the amount of fucking everyone here would be guilty of. And the money you'd pay, I've had some nights where it's gotten to the point where I've tried to fucking cut my wrist with a credit card.

So why wouldn't I just pay someone else? I'll do anything to sleep you can pay people to come and spoon you you as an adult you can pay a person to come and fucking spoon

I've heard of street walkers I get it mate no literally you can pay a person that will come and put you to bed honestly right though there is so much

common sense stuff like my girlfriend will sit up on TikTok and then have trouble sleeping it's like read a book for half an hour. It's just a sort of market. 50 bucks an hour just for someone to pop around at 9.30, knock on the door and go, can't.

Go to bed. Off the phone, go to bed. No one's online. Stop looking for people to chat with. I'd appreciate that. Just that. Someone just put their head in and go, can't. I know, fair enough.

Sorry. Fuck it. Exactly. That is such a big market for that. If someone told me, there's so many nights I've gone a bit two hours later than I should Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. That is such a big marker for that. Yeah. If someone told me, there's so many nights I've gone a bit two hours later than I should have

and I felt shit the next morning. If someone had just gone, no. Bed. Bed. Yeah. What did you get done in that two hours? Yeah, nothing.

Like nothing. And then sacrifice the whole next day for it. I know this is really, really simple and it shouldn't have been a big aha moment for me. But maybe six months ago, I just put my phone on charge in the fucking lounge room and I go to bed. The difference. Not only in falling asleep, but waking up. So the first thing isn't the screen.

Man, on a brekkie radio, I've got a watch, another watch that you can put an alarm on. But I need the alarm to get up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. Yeah. I've got a watch, another watch that you can put an alarm on, but I need the alarm to get up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine. Yeah. I walked away from my breakfast radio situation,

so I don't have that issue. Why did you leave, Harley? I don't know. I didn't like money. Is it money? I don't know. I wanted to get back. I believe I wanted to get back to stand-up. Oh, that's what they all do.

And focus on my family. My first love. That's what Marty Sheigold said just before he took that other job. So for the family, you want to walk away from that money. Yeah, that's for the family. Yeah, my true love has always been the incredibly unstable industry. It's hard to make a real... If I could just stop earning a house amount of money

and just get back to some very unreliable income. And have no help in a pandemic. Yeah, and have another child. Yeah, that'd be good. The way the world's going, it feels irresponsible to own and to be my own landlord. I want to get back with the renters. I want to get back with the real people. Setting the alarm at 4am is really, you know, causing

problems for the unpaid five minutes I'm doing a spleen on Monday night. I mean, I loved the job, but you know causing problems for the unpaid five minutes I'm doing a spleen on Monday night so I mean I loved the job but you know passions are passions it chooses you on your deathbed on your deathbed

you're not going to be like going fuck if only I had have had food for my family you know I'm just glad

I killed back in June 2021 on that Monday night. Yeah. That bit I had about who was the first person to suck on a cow's tip. Yeah. This seems like a good idea. When I saw the delighted look on those people's faces,

they were like, fuck, I've never thought of that. That's so funny. If you've got any deathbed questions, I'll probably be on mine soon, getting three hours a night sleep and a 4.30 alarm. Just write them down, send them over. Well, it sounds like you're about to visit the ultimate sleep doctor. Big black gown. Just knocks you on the shoulder

with the scythe and goes, come. It's about time, actually, we changed the terminology from suicide to the ultimate sleep doctor. Yeah, yeah, the self-sleep doctor. The self-diagnosis. Yeah, I'm the sleep doctor. I don't come to your house.

I just put you in a van and we go to the Westgate. That's Dr. Nishki's new name, the ultimate sleep doctor. Sleep Dr. Nishki. All right, we'd better wrap it up for another week

on the Little Dum Dum Club. Nick, Cody, Harley, Breen, thank you very much for joining us. Thank you, boys. You both got podcasts? We do. We both have podcasts. for another week on the Little Dum Dum Club Nick, Cody, Harley, Breen thank you very much for joining us thank you boys you both got podcasts? we do both have podcasts

my podcast is starting back up in a week it's called Mates Talking About Stuff so it's basically this you and friends of the show

Nicky Britton the wonderful Nicky Britton yeah we're firing that back up Mondays and Fridays and there's heaps in the backlog you can go back

and get all that bullshit and get all the good gear that you burned on that and wouldn't bring to our show. Yeah, sure. Oh, I'll be rehashing this whole chat. All of a sudden, you had a sleep doctor come to you. That's right. Nicky, I'm going to tell you a story about a sleep doctor

who dropped my daughter Carl on her head. And Cody? I've got a podcast, Mid-Flight Brawl, with friend of the show, Luke Heggy. It's sort of banter like this, except it's one bloke reading a manifesto and me reacting. Yeah, I mean, they really shouldn't have someone

talking about planes that appears to be the Unabomber, but yeah. All right, guys. thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see ya and they've done it again

oh my god you guys are allowed to talk now oh we're still here yeah they're the carryover champions we've graduated to

the pub so we're going to do talking dumb I'm in the pub with our guests well they've killed in the stand up spot so we. We've graduated to the pub, so we're going to do Talking Dumb Dumb in the pub with our guests. Well, they've killed in the stand-up spot, so we've welcomed them over to the couch. Oh, yes. Carson style. The two Johnny Carsons sitting at the desk. I'm five pints deep.

I didn't get it on Conan, so it's nice to get it here. Yeah, on the fake Johnny, double Johnny Carson. Yeah, you guys heard the big announcement up the top of the episode I wasn't listening

we postponed the 500 you guys were going to be both on the 500 yes and I hope

now I just want to say this on record because I know you've shifted it to being in the middle of the behemoth

that is the Melbourne Comedy Festival oh did we? coincidence you'll have a glut of talent. And I just want to say that I'm still available.

And so is my great friend, Nick Cody. Oh, you're his manager now. Yes. And if you bump us for David O'Doherty, I will be so pissed off. Sorry, Stephen K. Amos is going to be on a five time, so we don't have any room for you guys. But yeah, two episodes back to back,

2pm, April the 2nd. Hang on to your tickets. But you guys got your little refunds when you got a little bit scared or you had something else to do. Welcome back, guys. Get your tickets back again. Go down to Cashy's, Cash Converters,

get your ticket back. Oh, yeah. You know what? I am interested. Because it is the double, I don't think anyone will get bumped because it's the 500th and 600th. Yes.

It's only, you know, more killer bumped because it's the 500th and 600th it's only more killer and there's a dearth of straight white comedians so we're desperate for you guys

but of course you can also support this podcast if you would like to through the medium of Patreon

you can get on there you can get yourself spiritually you support our page you've never stood in the way of us doing it you've never medium of Patreon. I support it. You can get on there. You can get yourself... Spiritually, you support our Patreon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You've never stood in the way of us doing it. Definitely. You've never said, don't do that. No, no. I have never. So you're very supportive.

Yeah, absolutely. Obviously, prayers up every night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a direct line to JC. My dad is ordained by the Lord...

The big guy. Yeah, the big guy. Wow. Yeah. So there you go. So this Patreon, our Patreon is blessed, basically. It is blessed, Yeah, the big guy. Wow. Yeah. So there you go. So this Patreon, our Patreon is blessed, basically. It is blessed,

yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can get two bonus episodes every week, including maybe two episodes with these two gentlemen. I hope so.

Amazing. In real time. Amazing. As we try and desperately justify why we're at the pub for four hours. Yes, we are

trying to pump out this content. Well, I did just get a message from my wife saying, what's happening with you? And I just took a photo of the four of us and sent that, and then she just replied, I'll get the kids then. Well, one of us has got it, and it isn't me. You get your hands full with a different kind of babysitting. That's right.

I think she'll understand if you just explain to her that we're doing the Patreon reason. Yeah, I think I'm at work. So stop bothering me. That's the problem, isn't it? Because it technically is work. This is work. Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry for building a brand, fuckhead. Put the kids in the bar. This is Patreon, right? So you're going to pay to listen to this? No no no We're thanking our Patreon subscribers right now So freebie fuckers What about this doesn't make sense to you?

Everything This is added on to the end of the episode I can't believe you listen to the show every week And you still don't get it Every week, never miss an episode I love it, it's so good My podcast goes for 25 minutes How long does this one go for? and you still don't get it. Every week, never miss an episode. You still don't get it. I love it. It's so good. My podcast goes for 25 minutes.

How long does this one go for? This whole thing goes for about two hours. Fucking hell. My favourite thing about Harley's pod as well, mates talking. Talking about stuff. About stuff. With Nikki Britton and Nova.

There's even gats like it is a radio show. Yeah. I'll listen to the pod and they'll even go play a little sound effect. Here's another bit. It's good, isn't it? I mean, I assume it's good because I don't listen to that one.

How many times are you meant to listen? Alright, so we're going to do a mega, mega one this week. We'll just cut it down to maybe five subscribers we're going to read out this week. a mega mega one this week We'll just cut it down to maybe five subscribers We're going to read out this week So we've dragged on the Unplanned Title alternator along to the pub We're upstairs and everything

So it has copped a few bangs And a few dints on the way up There's no ramps here in this venue Which is very ableist against the unplanned Exactly Yes, it's not an accessible area It's not UTA accessible Which is

If you're planning on dragging along your own UTA to a pub, I wouldn't pick the Birmingham Hotel. What's a UTA? That's what we're recording, aren't we? Don't play in time alternator. It's the only fair way of reading out the random Patreon subscribers in a completely random and fair way, instead of it being rigged, you know. Oh, right.

You know this. You're on UTA. You know all the episodes. I know this from all the times I've listened. A lot of, very early on, people were saying that it was unfair, we're rigging the people we're rigging it with, but of course because we've got the UTA... The only way to keep it fair.

You've got the UTA, right. In the FA Cup they used to accuse them of rigging it by, they'd have the ping pong balls with numbers in them, and they'd chuck them in and they'd heat up a ping pong ball or so. So you'd go in and try and forage for the hot one or the cold one or whatever. So in case people thought we were going on a... Look, the whole ping pong experience is something I've experienced in Thailand rather than here in the UTA.

So it's a little bit different. Surely that... Surely that, yeah, the wrong type of hot ping pong ball to grab. Just a fan of Keno I thought this was a Thailand Keno but surely someone reaching in there and they're going like

oh fuck like you feel the yeah there's no way they're keeping a straight face and then feeling a hot ping pong ball I would look

I would love to see a televised thing where someone's doing the FA Cup draw and trying to rig it so that Man United played Northampton in the fourth round, put their hand in and go,

Holy fuck, that's hot! I mean, Northampton. Also, you can make a smoke bomb out of a ping pong ball. So if you heat it up too much, it'll create a smoke bomb. That would also be a great thinking. That would help. Just look in there and go, Go on.

Don't even feel. Just pick the balls and fire. So, yeah, we're going to read out some names of people who support us on Patreon. And we thank them slash make fun of them. So feel free to get involved as much as you want, guys, like we said. Or be respectful. We are upstairs here at the Birmingham, so we can really let loose. Who was it you read out the other day?

You put it up online and his name was basically Harry Littlewood yes has a little dick so good so good hopefully there's

more of that to come today let's see but of course we can't look into the future because this is all completely

random we'll just do five this week so stick your hand into that pussy grab that long thing

come pull and let's go move the budgie and the string of roses right down the way. I would have to say, look, you know, I've been to Thailand enough times, obviously, but there are... Have you been to Thailand? I have been there once or twice. On mystery flights.

I didn't know I was going there. I just turned up there. I was like, wherever you want to take me, I'll go there. It was just 17 mystery flights that all ended up in the same flight. The mystery is, where's his family? Why is he by himself all the time? The mystery is, why does he keep going? How does he get away with this?

Alright, let's get into it. Because these guys have to go pick up their children. Yeah, nah, I just got a message saying I'm too tired to figure it out, I'll just go. I haven't entered into any communication, I'm just presuming that that's the same with my wife. Fuck the patriarchy rule.

Out. Patriarchy. In. Patreon. Thank you very much to our first cap off the rank. Thank you very much, Patreon subscriber, Rowan Dowling. Okay. Okay.

Dowling. Rowan Dowling. Any relation to Dez? Is Dowling another comedian? No. Dowling. Rowan Dowling. Any relation to Des? Des Dowling, another comedian? No. No. Well, I mean, no. Look, he could be.

Could be related. Who knows? A person, Des Dowling is a comedian who once hit me up to go, when I put out the bestseller, the comedy tome, Funny Buggers. The Bible. Oh, the Bible of comedy. The Bible of Australian comedy. Yeah.

Who's that of Australian comedy? Are you in there, Harlow? I got one innings in that. What do you mean? Why don't they make a whole plane out of the black box? Yeah. I'd sent through a few stuff like my... Take my ex-wife, please. Here's my car.

Yeah. Harrod Holt Pool, it was yours. I got one spot in there and it was a joke I have never, ever done on stage. Did you do one joke? You got one joke? Yeah, yeah. I just... Because I know it's a joke.

I know it's a joke. I know it's a joke. I know it's a joke. I know it's a joke. I know it's a joke. I know it's a joke. I know it got one spot in there and it was a joke I have never ever done on stage did you do one joke yeah

because I'd sent you a bit of stuff because you only submitted one joke no no I submitted you a bit of stuff and you were like

it's too long because my stuff is all sort of narrative storytelling and so then you were like nah it's got to be

punchier so I just wrote I was like what would Carl write? I literally wrote a joke thinking this is how Carl would write and you put it in. Yeah, great. But you've never done it in stage or anything like that? Not at all.

Not my style. You're treating my book as an open mic. Hey, is there room? Is there room? I've got this new garbage line I want to try out. At Penguin Publishing. I'm running onto another book after this, so I can just be in the first five pages.

That'd be great. Can I do a tight two sentences? If this goes well at Penguin, I might try this at Simon & Schuster later on. That'll kill by the time I'm doing it at a random place. If I can count the amount of people that have said that joke in that book is so good, I wouldn't need to count. Well said. Spoken like a true author. Can you remember it?

Yeah, it's something like sometimes I imagine all of the songs in my playlist in my head. And then when I finally choose one on the playlist, I imagine it just sticks its fingers up to all the other songs and goes, suck shit, fuckers! It's like it's written in your own blood, just in your pocket. I've never actually made it to the public. It's handwritten in the back of the book.

Man, I've got to plug that book, Fucking Funny Buggers, because about a year ago, in the middle of the pandemic, I was like, you that book fucking funny buggers because about a year ago in the middle of pandemic I was like oh you know what I should do sell those books again so I ordered a bunch of books and so if you want to

buy them online and get them off me absolutely do that and I'll sign it or I'll get these idiots to sign it please I'll sign Harley's joke

yeah please because I was like I'll sell these at live shows and then we didn't have any fucking live shows so I've got a big box of funny bugger books at home and the best thing about funny buggers too so there's a live show and then we didn't have any fucking live shows so I've got a big box of funny bugger books at home

and the best thing about funny buggers 2 is there's some funny buggers 2 is there a sequel that I wasn't involved in funny buggers 2 the buggering

but it's the ghost of comedy past that are now in funny buggers some retired yeah there's some also the reason I brought this all up

was because Des Dowling that you said that you referred to the comic at the start. He's not in the book, but what he did do was when he saw it come out, he rang me and said, just so you know, Funny Buggers,

I tried to register the name Funny Buggers as a company, and this crazy man tried to sue me because he said he'd registered the name Funny Buggers. And I was like, ah, who cares? You know, what are you talking about? Anyway, fast forward a couple of weeks, and that guy tried to sue Penguin. Really?

Sent a CC to every bookshop in Australia and said, I'm going to sue all of you. Anyone who stocks this book, anyone who publicises this book, I'm going to sue you all into the fucking ground. He sounds like a funny guy. I'm suing all of you. Angus, Robertson, you're all going down.

Yeah, Diane Mox, I believe, is the full all of you Angus Robertson you're all going down yeah Diane Mox I believe is the full name of you yep yep that's how borders went down

this guy sued them over funnybuggers and then what a reference borders bankrupt yeah used to love a borders

me too the best bookshop that was the best bookshop yep and really more of a library to be honest well the number of times I would go in there and see someone in the cafe with a recipe book,

just transcribing it, transcribing the recipes they wrote on a sheet of paper. I reckon nearly every Borders I went into, there was some old bitch trying that on. Right. It's like... And Borders, to their credit, they can see it. Security's having a look. They're like, what are you going to do? It is what it is.

It's a cafe though. Fuck it. Yeah. Although, that obviously predates camera phones just about about because who's writing down a recipe yeah who's um who's yeah what what does that count as piracy in a bookshop it was the bookshop equivalent of uh the venue venue in singapore called four floors of haunts wars of whores. In what way? In what way? I took a photocopier in and built... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just went in and drew the naked women in there.

I mean, in the way that it was a four-story building. Oh, okay. Seriously, the only two four-story buildings in the world. Your head's in the architecture of it more than anything else. It was four stories of books and four stories of whores that made sense in my head. When I was in that brothel, you know what it reminded me of?

A bookshop. Yeah, yeah. I love to read prostitutes. Just turning the page. Yeah. I love to doggy in my favourite bits. A sex worker library Yeah

Alright well thanks Rowan Dowling I've got eight heaps of primary school To try and root heaps of prostitutes in a month Scholastic readathon Scholastic fuck club I'm wearing a mask Well Rowan Dowling That's a long bow And we've still got

Four more to go Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber Zach Walters Zach Z-A-K Okay Not into it Not into it

Z-A-K That can get fucked It's Z-A-C-K isn't it Z-A-C-H Oh sorry Z Now the same spelling as Ringo Starr's

son, Zack Starkey. Okay. Yeah. Harley, you could pass for a Zack.

Could I? Yeah. Your name was Zack, I believe. Especially with this hair. I'm definitely

a Zack at the moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But Walters... You are the closest to a Zack we have

at this table for sure. That's fair. Walters is a Germanic name because my second child is Walter

and it means warlord. Oh, really? So, Zach the warlord. Zach the warlord. Well, what does Zach mean then? Oh, some surfy cunt. So, his full name is Surfy Cunt Warlord. Surfy Cunt Warlord.

What does Zach mean? Is that why you called your kid Walter? Did you like the sound of it? No, I didn't know. Or you just were like, oh, we want to call our kid Walter. Walter's such a weird, yeah. I like it. Not weird name.

I like Walter, but Walter to Warlord doesn't seem like it. Also, Walter lends himself to being nicknamed as Wally, which is not good. No, Wally's not good, but he gets Walt. Oh, Walt's not bad. Walt's great. Walt's fine, yeah. Especially given the Breaking Bad legacy that's been given in the last 10 years.

I've been doing that. It's been popping up on my YouTube algorithm, a lot of Breaking Bad clips. I've been getting into it lately. I'm going back into Breaking Bad, but only three minutes at a time. Oh, right. That'll do.

None of the tensions, just like different little bits where someone gets threatened or someone gets their head shot off. Just the sight of eating a pancake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a pizza on the roof and then I'm out. So, you know, Zach is a Hebrew name, which is very interesting,

having a Hebrew first name and a Germanic second name. And it just means God remembers. So Zach is God remembers and Walt is... God remembers a warlord. God remembers a warlord. God Remembers the Warlord. Yeah, yeah. Now, if that's not a black metal album title, I'd be fucking down.

God Remembers the Warlord. Yeah. That's, again, some fucking Norwegian church has been burnt down for that album. Is that, on the episode we spoke about sleep school, is that why you're watching the Breaking Bad clips when he just sees the chick overdose and does nothing? You're like, that is a good sleep.

No matter how much they play up, you've just got to let them ride it out. Show them your boss. Oh, and by the way, Walter's actually is very much like Anderson, those sorts of runs of Johnson. So it's son of Walter is what Walters mean. And it does mean old German walled, rule, warrior.

Warrior, ruler. Favourite scene in Breaking Bad, anyone? Oh, when... It starts with G, the bad guy. Gus Fring. bad guy Gus Fring yeah Gus Fring's great character

whole side of his face is blown off that reveal is like I can't it's burnt ironically in my memory

of him having the side of his head blown off but he's still alive for that brief moment I reckon that is nearly responsible

for the amount of Breaking Bad stuff that pops up in the algorithm for me on YouTube because I hunted that scene down because I enjoyed that scene. Yeah, it's incredible. I think that's what sparked all of this. That's not going to help Blanket's sleep, to be honest. Yeah, that might be why.

Yeah, no, that's more of an 8pm and over, you know, search. She's getting a lot of what does she I keep the easy go to is Peppa Pig but she doesn't actually watch Peppa Pig she watches fucking

other stuff Bluey? no not really Bluey she's a bit more she's going into deep into Netflix kids and you know the rest of it

so she's into that stuff there was a Coco Mango phase Coco Mella Coco Mella Coco Mella but are they good? no look I wouldn't watch it by myself Bluey's bright yeah Dino Trucks mango phase. Cocoa mellow. Cocoa mellow. Cocoa mellow. She was excited about cocoa mellow. But are they good? No. I wouldn't watch it

by myself. Blue is great. Dino trucks. Blue is actually great. What the fuck is dino trucks? Yeah, yeah, dino trucks.

That's good. You know who you should introduce your kid to, Cody? Street Sharks. When's he old enough for Street Sharks? I would have to say

by the way. He watches Bananas in Pyjamas which watching that now they're not passing concussion

protocols the bananas they're like do you know what I think B1 I think so B2

fall in the lake time and my son's like yeah go for a swim I'm like these are the

dumbest bananas I remember when they introduced the new characters into

bananas in pyjamas when I was a little kid or maybe I just hadn't seen Those episodes Yeah it's animated though

But all of a sudden When that little fucking rat came in I was like There's this little rat Hanging out with the bananas Oh ratters Get this cunt out of here I never liked the rat

So we have a G rated Sort of situation in our house The kids have to watch G rated Nothing above And even G rated That's pretty bold parenting Harley A bit of hippy nippy shit over here. Hey, Junior, no more porn.

Alright? I'd be like, this is bullshit. I'm bored. Put on some fucking Pornhub. Yeah, yeah. No, I put on PG. So I put on Kung Fu Panda the other day. Fucking wicked film.

Great. And then my kid picked up a massive stick and whacked the little one right on the head. I'm Kung Fu Panda. And I'm like, oh, I see. Oh one right on the head I'm going to do that and I'm like oh I see oh right yeah

don't do that and always if there's a kid at the playground that's getting a bit fucking karate on everyone it's always a parent just shouting crook shit on the phone

I reckon it's not the kid it's very firing up the lad bible it's not yeah streaming service of choice yeah it's not hard

when there's a fucking shit kid at a playground it's not really hard to link what's happened here you reckon you can look and spot the parent just by the kids behaviour

yeah almost definitely interesting almost not always not always but most shit kids just kids are there

they're going to do some random shit yeah but if there's a pattern most definitely yeah well thank you very much Zach Walters

thanks the warlord Zach with a cat yeah the hippie warlord the son of a definitely well thank you very much Zach Walters thanks the warlord Zach with a cab the hippie warlord the son of a warlord thank you very much to third cab off the rank this week

thank you very much to Patreon subscriber James Bone oh James Bone James interesting yeah

relation to a friend of the show well yeah maiden name of Cameron James. Cameron James. James.

Yeah. James Bone. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This might be a pseudonym. But yeah, Cameron James, you know that that's his real first, real surname, I should say, Bone.

Do you know that's his name, Cameron Bone? That was on an ep of this, right? Yeah. Yeah. And he does not like it coming up. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, do you know this? You're not listening. Cut everything out of this thing. I'm looking up James's nut. Try to wink at you. Obviously, it coming up. Yeah. Marley, do you know this? You're not listening. Cut everything out of this thing. I'm looking up James as nut. Try to wink at me. Obviously, it's biblical. Two of the apostles were named James. Why are you looking up James when we've got a surname on the phone?

You're into flavor. Let's quickly. Well, we've got to go with James first. No offense. Marley is so pissed. Yeah. I'm hiccuping. Nobody's ever Googled James without accidentally hitting enter.

It's like there's always a full name. James something or other. Yeah. Nobody's just there's always a full name. James something or other. Nobody's just straight up James. What's this James about? Google bone and see what comes up. Yeah. Okay, bone. Safe search.

Name. Meaning. English of Norman origin. Nickname meaning good. Okay. From an old French bond. This is the most boring thing you've ever Googled. No, it isn't.

Definitely. No, not even close. Not even close. I've Googled way more boring things. Give us a call. What's the most boring thing you've ever Googled? The 360. Just getting the reps in.

Triggered. What were you talking about? What was I listening to? Do you know that a friend of the show, a comedian, a Australian comedian, Cameron James. Yes. His actual name is Cameron Bone. James Bone Do you know that A friend of the show A comedian Australian comedian Cameron James Yes His actual name is Cameron Bone Why did he change his last name to James?

Because he It's a stupid thing to do He's embarrassed by his last name Yeah He's embarrassed by his parents Well there's a There's a great Story of

Daniel Towns So Daniel Towns Who changed his name A lot of people have changed their names Because his name a lot of people have changed their names because his last name one of them is right here

that's right yeah my name that's right Carl Bone Bone Chandler actually the reason Daniel Towns changed his name

is because he's Polish and his last name is Pavelczyk and he's like no one will be able to say that's why I changed it to Towns and I went what Pavelczyic and he's like no one will be able to say it. That's why I changed it to Townes and I went, what? Pavelzic? And he went, fuck.

Nobody can unlock this riddle. But Bone, what a fucking name. I was so happy when I found out that his name was Cameron Bone. That's funny. Cameron Bone. It really makes him a lot more Newcastle, doesn't it? Yeah, but you can understand it. It's like, yeah, it really makes him a lot more Newcastle doesn't it yeah but you can understand it's like

must have been a lifetime must have been an entire high school career of non-stop bullying you can understand sure

like James Bone Jimmy Bone Jimmy Bone Jimmy Bone oh that hurt hit me right in the Jimmy Bone Jimmy Bone's leaning in

Jimmy Bone's not running from it Jimmy Bone he's fine he's bullet he's fucking if you can if you can get to a certain age

with a name like that and have never what should and you've still got money to you know get in amongst a Patreon and you're not living under a bridge

doing heroin to begin with what is what is what should what should Jimmy Bone be doing for a living what's the name

Jimmy Bone lend itself to Jimmy Bone Morg Morg. Morg? Yeah, yeah. That's good. I know Bones. Yeah. It feels like he's in some sort of

Bloodhound gang cover band or something like that. Some sort of weird... He runs like his own dog food company that's named after him and that's his story in the press. It's like, no, it's called Jimmy Bone. That's my actual name. People think it's

too good to be true. It's awesome. It's like a friend of mine, Sunny Day. Oh yeah. And I was always like, come on, come.

Like I had to pay him for something and his account stuff is kind of like, wait, that's on your account. That's your actual name. It's not your business name.

That's your birth name. And he's like, yeah. I know Sunny Day. This is unbelievable. It's good. I know this is stupid,'s like, yeah. I know a sunny day. This is unbelievable. It's good. I know this is stupid, but it's real. I know a girl named Milka Bull.

Milka Bull? Oh, no. Milka's a biblical... Every time I say it, someone goes, no. And then I go... For years, I'd go, all right, call my mum. My mum would go, yeah. Milka is a biblical name. The girl's name is Milka Ann.

So it's a hyphenated name, Milka Ann Bull. truth. Milka is a biblical name. The girl's name is Milka Ann. So it's a hyphenated name, Milka Ann Bull. Right. Because it's a biblical name. And just for a second, you would think about your last name when you're naming your child. When you're like, Milka. It's like my friend Sutton. People put in no effort.

No effort. Or no... That's why chess isn't popular. Not a lot of people think it's steps ahead yeah they're just naming kids shit that's why chess

died out after two years the famous flash in the pan thing I don't know it's like crazy bones

in the Yoho Diablo there's now a law in New Zealand there's now a law in New Zealand because people were naming things such dumb shit

they were like we've got to get rid of this we've got to stop people naming their kids dumb names and they were naming them

after where they were when they found out they had a kid so there was Brooklyn Beckham in New Zealand there was

one kid was named Race 6 no because he was at the races no he was at the races so they were like

you've got to stop this shit but how does that work is it first name Race middle name Six or is it a whole

is it hyphenated no it was just the first name was Race Six Race Six yeah and there was

another kid named Bus Stop but even within that it's like horse racing less than greyhounds and trots is the worst if you got rooted race 6

Mr and Mrs Liquor have a child cooked dish I love to think of two people arguing over what was the shittest way no but I rooted my Mrs at the greyhounds. No, well, I know I only rooted mine at the fucking trots. It's like, what are you talking about? The two worst things in the world go, I'm in the gutter.

No, I'm slightly above you in the gutter. No, I can beat you as long as it's my kid disabled toot. Yeah. I know mine's greyhounds because the fuck lasted 23 seconds. And I had DP'd on my balls to go quicker. Yeah. They kicked me before I put them in there. I love how much you know about that sport.

And I broke my leg, but they didn't shoot me. I appreciate it. Yeah. Thanks, James Bone. Thanks, James Bone. Thanks, James Bone. Thanks, Jimmy Bone. Imagine getting the green tent around you after you're fucked. You're fucked that hard.

They'll have to put you down with a shotgun. Thanks, Jimmy Bone. I wish you all the best in your future as a 90s nightclub night promoter. Good luck in the past. I'll take it, man. Good luck. Thank you Yeah I'll take it then Good luck Thank you very much To Patreon subscriber Roars Plant

Roars Plant Roars Plant That sounds fake Aurora? Short for Aurora? It's short for Rory I assume I'm not looking that up As you know

He's also a Patreon member Of one Midfly the Brawl Yes Oh He's a regular Live show I'm not looking that up as you know he's also a Patreon member of one mid-flight brawl yes oh he's a regular live show live comedy

attendee yeah Rawls Plant yeah even though I completely agree it's like I don't know

what the fuck is going on with your name dude Rawls how do you spell Rawls Big Car Fan too what Big Car Fan

I thought you said fuck ok that makes a lot more sense I thought for a minute you said Nick Car Fan I'm like that doesn't exist, okay, that makes a lot more sense. I thought for a minute you said Nick Carfan. I'm like, that doesn't exist. Hold on, you've been all of auto vehicles.

I thought you meant the one thing that cools down that huge obese man. Nick Carfan. Oh, Nick Carfan. I haven't thought about him for a long time. Nick Carfan. Now, that's the biggest insult. I've seen those horrible things. That's worse.

I know what a Nick Carr fan's called, a southerly breeze. Yes. No, we love Nick Carr. I love Nick Carr. How do you spell his name? Roars. R-O-R-S. Oh, jeez.

Is it a... It's a man. It's a man. R-O-R-S. No, it's not. Okay. No, no, no, plant. It doesn't man. Harley. It's a man. R-O-R-S. I thought it was a lady. No, it's not. Okay. No, no, no, plant. It doesn't even come up.

Well, why would that come up? R-O-R-S. I swear, it must be short for Rory, I'm assuming. Rory Plant. Yeah, it's Rory. It's a strange name. Plants are great. I've got quite a strong opinion on people naming their children shortened versions of actual names.

Oh, without giving them permission to have the full name of the star. So like, Leah. What do you mean, Charlie? Yeah. Calling your kid Billy instead of William. Your kid's Charlie, right? No, it's Charles. Your kid's name is Charles.

Right, right, right. And you've been a bogan dumb cunt. And gone, oh, I'll just go with Charlie. I've fought against it this whole time. Because you're Nicholas, aren't you? Huh? You're Nicholas. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Huh? You're Nicholas. Exactly. Right, because your parents did the right thing, even though they were out in the fucking poo city. Hey, they were in Seddon at the time. They were in Seddon and thought, you know what's smarter than this? Poppers. It's strange to think of... Get out of this inner city.

I love that Western point of view where it's like, no, no, that was back when we were a bit highfalutin. We were in Seddon. It's strange to think of Karen doing the least fucked thing, but she was right in this instance. Yeah, no, you've got to have a full name. Because you're Thomas, right? Yeah.

And you're Carlos. I'm Carl Bolina. And what are you? Harlequin. The Joker's girlfriend? Yes. Definitely the Joker's girlfriend. The man named after a motorbike is telling me what's a bogan name.

Tell me more Supra. I'll have you know that my Methodist reverend father didn't even know about the motorbike. Oh, wow. That's the truth. Oh, that's amazing. Six months after I was named was the first joke. And mum and dad went, oh, no. Yeah.

I'm surprised if your dad was that far away from knowing the existence of the Harley Davidson, I'm surprised he got a roof. You haven't met my mum. Please don't tell me Harley's sister club sport is going to be a joke. Please don't tell me Harley's sister Club Sport is going to be a dork. Well, ironically, about 15 years later, he joined the God Squad. What a name. What a fucking pack of dorks.

These guys are Christian bikers that ride around with the outlaws and hang out with the outlaws. So your dad did ride bikes? No, but 15 years after that. Oh, okay. You're inspired. Yeah, exactly. He got into motorbikes through you. He'd do outlaw bikey funerals and outlaw bikey weddings.

Yeah. Wow. The Reverend would turn up. That's pretty cool. What a gap in the market. Yeah, totally. That's incredible. Someone's going to do it.

What a pivot. What are you going to do? Here's what it is. That's showbiz. What are you going to do? Here's what it is. That's showbiz. Show must go on. Let's just do a whole podcast in cliched sayings. Cliched catchphrases. Sayings, yeah.

Roars Plant. Well, thanks, Roars. I've got on your Roars. It's not your real name. Well, yeah, it must be Roars. It's Rory. It's got to be Rory. Rory Plant.

All right, well, we've only got one more. We've got, like we said, we could only do five this week. We'd only fit five in this week. So this is the last one. We'll do this one and sign off, of course. All Patreon subscribers, all big fans of the show. So we'll just do the very last fan of the show that subscribes to Patreon. Thank you very much.

Oh, okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscribers. Wow. Okay. No, we can do this one. I'm getting very much thank you very much to Patreon subscriber wow okay we can do this one I'm getting ready thank you very much to Patreon subscriber

Harley Comedy Brain wow of course the biggest fan of all yeah how much does he subscribe 69 dollars a month

69 thank you very much 69 just complete coincidence but thank you very much for subscribing subscribing thanks Harley it's fun let's look up

Harley I know you're looking at Harley I already know what Harley means how about

you look up comedy instead Harley means from the hemp fields does it well it does

now no it actually does I've really went into that name meaning alright guys

thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see you next