The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 590 - Merrick Watts & Brett Blake

Episode Date: January 19, 2022

This week we're joined by MERRICK WATTS and his son BRETT BLAKE! We spend some time grilling Merrick's bronze complexion before answering some of his questions about things he's observed in Tommy's medicine cabinet. There's also an update on Tommy's Christmas Day featuring his custom Chandler Christmas Crackers, someone's insulted Karl's car and been punished by karma for it, PLUS another deep dive into Brett's dodgy employment history in WA and we get Merrick to guide us through our first ever Dum Dum wine tasting! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a great new episode with guests Brett Blake and Merrick Watts. We have some tour dates coming up. January the 29th, we are going to be in Brisbane doing a live pod and stand-up show plus a live Talking Dumb Dumb, one after the other, sold out. In Adelaide on the 26th of February, we are doing a live podcast at the Rhino Room at 3.30 in the afternoon. Adelaide, you've done it again, so can you fix it again? Mm-hmm, and then we are in Perth the very nextide, you've done it again, so can you fix it again? Mm-hmm. And then we are in Perth the very next weekend, March the 5th at the Rosemount. Once again, stand-up and a live podcast.

That's a rescheduled date. That's in Perth as well, Tommy. Yes. Yep. And then we're in Melbourne. We are doing the 500th episode. You might be listening to this and thinking, oh, I forgot to go last week to the live show on January 15th. Well, you're in luck.

It wasn't on. So it's been rescheduled to April 2nd. It's in the afternoon. Come along to the Athenaeum. You can all come along to that and keep your tickets. And some of you can buy some new ones. And it's going to be a massive show. And, of course, that's part of three or four Saturdays in April

where we're going to be doing afternoon shows in Melbourne yes littledumbdumbclub.com for all those tickets and also I have my solo show

on sale in Melbourne the same weekend that we're in Perth and Adelaide as well you can find all those dates like I said littledumbdumbclub.com

we'll talk to you more at the end of this episode but until then enjoy this new one with Brett Blake and Merrick Watts. Hey, mates.

Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and with me as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, dickhead. And joining us today, two very special guests. Please welcome back onto the show, Brett Blake and Merrick Watts. Yay! Great to be here.

Merrick Watts looking absolutely bronzed, we were just saying. The king of the celeriac. Yeah. 100%. What I used to do is I'd put on bronzer, then I'd get into the tube and then bake myself with an external coat on. Nice. You know what I mean? It's like a kiln.

I go in there like a kiln. We're smoking with the patch on. Yeah. It's so dark mean? It's like a kiln. I go in there like a kiln. We're smoking with the patch on. Yeah. It's so dark it looks like prison bronzing when they cover themselves in shit. What is going on? What is it? You've never heard of bronzing? No.

Oh, my brother works in a prison. He goes, oh, people bronze up all the time. I go, what's bronzing up? It's like when they don't want to go to court, they cover themselves in their own shit so you can't remove them from the cell. That's what I'm saying you look like right now. Is that you? You look like you're auditioning for Hey Hey on Saturday.

You're up on... Am I poo-facing? Yeah, yeah. Are you up on a jaywalking charge today and you just don't want to go? Is that what's up? With that part of the plan in Ocean's Eleven. And then, of course, at the very end of the heist, we cover ourselves in shit so that we can't be arrested for what we've just done.

Hang on, is that what Novak Djokovic has done today just to make sure he doesn't have to go back to Serbia? Yeah. Drag me back onto the plane. Get shit all over yourself. What is going on?

Why are you so brown? Are you off to the brown low after this or something? Get on that rotisserie on Channel 7. I don't know if you noticed but I've had my tits done. Are you going out

with Bobby Skilton or something? What's happening? Are you auditioning to be a chicken on a Red Rooster ad? Yeah, that's what I'd call it. It's a glaze. It's a nice glaze you've got.

Yeah, hit the rotisserie, whatever. I mean, you're probably just normal and you just come to Melbourne and us pasty white fucks are just like, what the fuck is a tan? Yeah, he's probably like, I've got a beach front house, you pub fucks. I do live in Maroubra, so I get down to the beach a fair bit. That's it. We're forgetting in Victoria that it is technically summer at the moment. You wouldn't know it down here.

Dan Andrews has put restrictions on the sun. The sun can't leave his house for now. Only an hour a day. He's gone before Mr Burns. He can really do what the fuck he want with the sun. Yeah, come on down, do whatever. So this is just natural. Yeah, this is my natural glow.

Merrick Watts sheen. Yeah, no, I've got olive skin, so I pick it up pretty quick. I go brown pretty quickly. So, yeah, I'm not. Well, as a fellow Mediterranean, I can definitely. Yeah, I get it. You're staring right at your people. Oh, that's good.

I couldn't tell. Is that Merrick speaking Or Tommy I can't tell I love this If this is like Sailor Central And we get to the credits

Merrick Watts Is dressed by the sun Or shit Well you were eyeing off Some of the antibiotics That I have in the house Yeah The doxycycline

That I take Do that So I saw that you had doxycycline We should talk about that In a second that you had doxycycline we should talk about that in a second if you don't mind because i think it's fascinating stuff but um do you ever go just uh to somebody's house do you go straight to the medicine cabinet and see what's in there no i'm not a psycho never done that no okay well let's get on to something else then yeah just go through a drawer and just you know oh what no one else did that yeah get on your

mate's laptop. You're leaving all those people's stuff. Log on to their net bank, just see what's going on in there, have a little squiz. Find their suntan lotion, chuck it out the window because you don't need it. You just want to get as brown as possible. Fuck your SPF out. I feel I'm the opposite. It's like if I'm in someone's bathroom and I'm like washing my hands and they've got

stuff lying out, I feel guilty for having caught a glimpse because it feels like an invasion of their privacy. No, go right to their privacy dick medicine or whatever what are you looking for oh drugs 100 you're always looking for drugs i mean you look you immediately saw what tommy was on and went this is what this is for thrush fucking herpes fucking whatever it was doxycycline yeah doxycycline's for uh i've taken doxycycline on a couple of occasions it's an antibiotic but it's used well, one of the times I've used it for an extended period of time was for antimalarial. So when I went to East Timor years and years and years ago,

malaria is so full on there that you have to take doxycycline, but it gives you the most trippy dreams, like full on bizarre – like you really feel like you are in a different state. I mean, Tommy's on it all the time. This pod isn't even happening. This isn't even real. It's an apparition. I'm at home.

Do you have weird directions? I've been lucid for years. You know what? I've had to take it permanently now, and I've been taking it for such a long time that no one ever said to me that that was a possible side effect of it. But now that you mention it,

it's like I do frequently go, yeah, man, I have some... I have some fucking twisted dreams, man. You should see what's going on. It's like a bloody... It's like I've hit play on bloody Tim and Eric or something. It's so random, like... Adventure time, Tommy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the moon's howlingling I've never seen the show I'm sure You had a dream You had a 9 to 5 job You know Participating in society properly It's fucking crazy

Paying tax All this random stuff Was happening People liked me It was bizarre Had heaps of friends I was a killer at comedy My man

It's wild Average sized dick I lost 12 inches off it You know Enough for any man Well I take it Because I've got Rosacea

I got prescribed It for that It's like a skin Condition Yeah Is that what you've got Merrick No it actually Thins your skin

Oh don't be rude Don't be rude This is the super saiyan version It's a side effect Right Is that If you take it, and you might want to learn from

this, all of you. I'm strapping in for a learning. Not for me, honestly. You get sun sensitive. Yeah, you really do. Mate, if you go out in the sun and you're on

doxycycline, you will get burnt. It thins out the skin. I get that. I mean, for me, it just adds another layer of beauty. It's like a glaze.

Yeah, it's it. I mean, if anything, what it's doing is it's kind of sanding back the juco for a full retro so it's good shit

so if we lend some of Tommy's gear after this me and Blakey now that we're not attuned to it we could have

some pretty good nights well that's the thing Chandos it'd be good for you because it would

give you like an experience of you know having a really solid sleep but some really crazy dreams. Yeah, because you've mentioned before the pod that I look like I haven't slept in a month, which I had a good sleep, so thanks very much, Tom.

But you look like you're desperate for a snooze. Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it. Who's older out of curiosity? Because one of you looks quite fit and tanned. Don't compare me to fucking this guy. Are you older than Eric? Do not compare me to fucking him.'s, I don't know what,

I don't know what his age is. I don't think anyone does. I think I'm younger than him. He looks like one of those mums from Brighton. She could either be 30 or 78 and have their fucking neck put back. You do have a real housewife's vibe to you. They're all wishing to be a leather handbag. That juicy pair of double E's he's got out the front as well.

Okay, are you plus 50? No. I'm not up to starting. I started up high. You did go too high. In between 40 and 50? Yeah. And you're in between 40 and 50.

So you're the same age? Well, no. I think I'm younger than him, but he looks better than me. Yeah, we're not arguing that. That is not. No, I'm getting out in front of it. I'm just trying to figure out the age to roast you. I'm trying to say it so you don't have to say that.

I'm trying to say it. Man, you really need to start working out, Carl. Shut up, guys. Don't you run every day? Maybe you should stop running to my house, drinking 17 beers, eating a whole pizza, leaving the rubbish behind and going home every day. Maybe it's because if I'm running rubbish away, I'll look better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you think it's because you're running in jeans. It's a warm day today. I'm wearing shorts. All you blokes have got jeans on, but it's a warm day. I know. I've got a gig after this, so I'm professional. You know what I mean? Didn't you do a festival yesterday, Blakey?

I'm doing a festival today. Yeah, that's good because you've just put us all in a high-risk category now for the COVID. No, it's today. It's today. Oh, okay. Okay, fuck off back to New South Wales, mate, all right? Yeah. Category now For the COVID No it's today It's today Oh okay It's not It's Okay Fuck off back to New South Wales

Mate alright Yeah High risk category I'm sitting next to you And the hot spot of comedy In the Corona nightclub No One of Carl's rooms

Based on comedy No Don't say that Last night you come in To do my gig And you're like Oh fucking Oh where's your wipes

For the microphone I'm like I don't have any Oh you're fucked This place is fucked And then continue to walk around without a mask on all night. I was drinking. And in my defense, everyone knows that is the truth.

Okay, look, all right, I will give you that one because you did not stop drinking for two and a half hours. So there's no time for you to put a mask on. I never have to wear a mask. Wow, doxycycline's done it again. This is a hell of a dream I'm having right now. It's good shit, isn't it? I'm in the eye of a hurricane.

See, the great thing is that everybody wins with doxycycline right because for me it can thin my skin and I can get a great tan Chanos that could work for you but you could have

the lucid dreams and finally get a good night's sleep I could start because it's prescription medication I could start flogging it like people that have ADD sell their Ritalin because it's essentially speed

I could be up the back of the comedy gig going like you want to have some crazy dreams tonight man I'll sell you a doxy for fucking 10 bucks. But do you sell it to Brittany? Because the other side effect or the other purpose for it,

of course, is to get rid of gonorrhea. Joke's on you, I've never fucked. So guess what? I'm a virgin. Pie on your face. It's for rosacea. That's why I take it. Another thing that I take,

I have this cream that I have to put on at night That I got prescribed By a dermatologist Two years ago God you're a real mess Aren't you You're not going to do All this stuff

Before you go to bed Yeah I know I've got the little pill box Going on with the days Of the week Oh do you Yeah yeah That actually rules

I'm a dream Merrick you need to go To the bathroom And check out his medicine cabinet This is what he's leaving Around for public viewing What's he got in the Fucking cabinet

Can I How about this Do you mind if I go And have a look And I'll come back This is what he's leaving around for public viewing. What's he got in the fucking cabinet? How about this? Do you mind if I go and have a look and I'll come back? This is what I'm trying to get to is that the cream that I use, I've had it for two years now, and, you know, it's like you get this prescription, I just go in and get it replenished. At a certain point, it's like I can't even remember what it is.

I'm not even really aware, like, what the name of it is. It just got prescribed to me. It's like it'll help your skin. It does help my skin. So I don't really know what it's called or anything like that. My girlfriend the other day, she was just like she'd clearly just like properly looked at the tube of it for the first time. And she goes, do you actually know what that cream you put on your skin is? I go, no, I mean, I have no idea.

I got told it would make it better and it does make it better. And she goes, it's infirmectin. The stuff that anti-vax dumb cunts think you can take to cure COVID. So she's like, anyone that's come around here and seen that sitting on our bathroom sink is going to think you're some fucking nut job who's drinking this fucking horse medicine. Is it in a tube or a jar? It's a tube. It's like a cream. It's like condensed milk.

So you get like a condensed milk tube. Just squeeze in. Tommy, little smoothie. Have you got COVID yet? No. There you go. Case closed. So you're wiping it.

You're not drinking it. You're wiping it on your skin. I'm rubbing it on my face. It's a shield around the barrier. So this is more like, this is becoming very quickly like a Joe Rogan podcast. Yes. I feel like it's just, well done, guys. I've also been takingging this thing Called alpha brain

Man are you guys All meat eaters bro Have you been Tagging it rectally Because it's not working So yeah What do you think Merrick If you had of gone in there

And you'd just seen Invermectin sitting On the cabinet Would you have Would you have thought This guy's This guy's on the anti-vax Nah I would have thought

Probably some sort of skin condition. Okay. But it depends. I'm always looking for things in packets and jars. Yeah, okay. That's my thing. Tubes, less so. It's really about packets and jars.

I'd love it if we could get Doxycycline sponsoring this podcast. Oh, that'd be great. A prescription medication sponsoring a podcast would be pretty good. And it's got a great name too. We're giving it a good ad. Multi-purpose drug. You can also take it recreationally for fun fucked up dreams. Do not take it recreationally.

Crush it up, snort it. What are the dreams going to be like then? Keep bumping it at a festival, guys. Have a nap, see what happens. You can take some of it and sell it at your festival later today when you go there. Man, I could. The music festival, which I have no idea about. And I think it's full of magicians or some shit.

I don't know. Oh, no. I think it's the least of your worries. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A kill song or something? I don't know what it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I did a gig the other night at Spleen.

And Monday night was at Spleen, the gig I ran. And, I mean, we've been doing this podcast A fair while now So this is what We're getting into our 12th year This is officially the 12th year Of this podcast Is it?

Yep Okay Genuinely Yeah I don't know It's definitely aged you Carl Shut up It's kept me up at night If you didn't do this pod

You'd look like Merrick Shut up He's the freak Alright For someone to look that good He's the one up he's the freak all right for someone to look that good he's the one off he's the freak everyone else is normal like seems pretty normal to me drinks 14 bottles of red wine every tuesday that's the most depressing part when you stack up your lifestyle yeah runs with a weight vest on the beach for no reason yeah yeah yeah anyway anyway

so you're at the gig yeah good, good. Back to not you. At Comedy Spleen Mondays, do a good gig, gets to the end, and then, you know, I was up the back of the room having a drink, whatever, a few people coming by going, oh, great gig, whatever, end of story. No, there's more. So there's a guy comes up the end he goes um and he comes up and goes oh that was great hey are you are you are you car from the little are you from little don uncle and i'm like yeah and he's like you know youngish

looking guy he's like are you really and i go go, yeah. And he goes, oh. Could have been 48, though. Yeah, well. He goes, yeah, my uncle listens to you. Like, oh, fucking hell. He's got a gramophone. He winds it up every week. It's like, fucking hell, just give me the wind. But no, my uncle. No, I wouldn't dare listen to your old fogey fucking podcast. If there was like a podcasting radio station,

we'd be on like the Gold FM equivalent at the moment. Yeah. Depressingly enough. It's Gold FM equivalent at the moment. Yeah. Depressingly enough. It's kind of sad. Look, you know. Thank you. No. It's kind of sad.

Anyway, I'm on it. Aging in comedy is like, it's good because, you know, you have different styles and different movements in your career and that's all fun. And, you know, that's great. And you should, you should progress but also too like it's a weird transitional moment when you go from young girls coming up to you and saying I'm a fan to them coming up

to you and saying my mum's a fan yeah and you just go oh because like there was that the weird moment

where same deal like right then I thought I was going to fuck this guy and then all of a sudden it's like oh now I have to

fuck his uncle oh well a win's a win take what you can get mate funny because like blokes don't normally God, now I have to fuck his uncle. Fuck his uncle, yeah. Oh, well. A win's a win. Take what you can get, mate. Funny, because, like, blokes don't normally, they don't normally come up to you and say, my dad's a fan.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, they just want to do that. I reckon podcasting. Tell the girls. Podcasting. Podcasters do, I think. It's like, oh, can I get a video of you calling my dad a cunt? Yeah.

And I'll text it to him. Done. That's what you get. Done. Yeah, you were getting it anyway before asking, but yeah, sure. I got, I had a similar, I went into the bottle shop the other day and the guy behind the counter was like you look really familiar do i i think i feel like i know you from somewhere and i was like oh i've done comedy a little while and done the odd thing here and there he's like nah nah nah nah

did i did you used to live in Perth or anything like that? Because I'm from Perth. And I'm like, no, no, nothing like that. And then as a joke, I was like, I'm in here a bit. And he goes, that's it. That's where it's from. I serve you four times a week. This is an inside joke, but I thought he was going to say,

do you like uncut gems? Nah, different guy. Different bottle shop guy. Different weird bottle shop guy now. He's obsessed with you. Yeah. But, yeah. But Merrick, you're doing...

What an insane thing to do. Like, if you work in a shop and go, that face rings a bell, probably from in here. I see a lot of fucking people in here. You have a lot of regular clientele. Why would you suspect it's from fucking somewhere else? It was really weird because it was like the day... I'd been in there like the day before. It wasn't like...

You know, this wasn't like a month since I'd been in there. You have a bit of a problem there, Tommy? The bottle shop every day? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, the problem is that they close. Can't get what I need. They close to... There's a 24-hour one in Paran.

You need to be one of those people that I... There's nothing better... You know when you see people like with a shopping trolley out of district and you just go, oh, that's... I love that. You know when you see there's no supermarket anywhere near where you are and somebody's pushing a trolley full of shit and you just go, you've just fucked off with the trolley.

That's great. But when you see somebody with a trolley full of piss and they're miles away from the bottle shop, you just go, that is the greatest. Kids without a car walking it back to the house park. It's just Dan Murphy's loaded up in the trolley, and you go, there is no Dan Murphy's within three kilometres of where you are. You have done an exceptional job.

Do you know what? Someone once did this. Someone at some stage in an extended family, something to do with me, once did this. This is so vague. Well, I know know but i know this could get back to you it's okay this could get back this could get back to my mother-in-law it could be anyone's mother-in-law so uh someone at a family sort of thing was like uh came up to

me as like are you still driving um your that car you had and and i'm like yeah yeah you're still driving that fucking piece of shit you've got that fucking real bomb that fucking shit car you've got i'm like it's not a bomb it's not a piece of shit it's fine nah it's fucked you still drive i'm like yeah okay cool nice one man like like that was the opening conversation and it stuck in my head i'm like you're a fucking cunt who the fuck comes up and talks like that right and at the time he was driving and at the time he's driving at the time he's this bloke is driving your car was running that he knew about it you know what i mean i got in i said fuck you mate i turned the key and the fucking battery was dead yeah i'm leaving as soon

as the rac rocker hey that's on that's on me not on the car okay when i flat my battery that's on me, not on the car, okay? When I flat my battery, that's on me, not my car. Let's not bring my car into it. That's fair. It's not a failing of the car. Yes, yes. Don't car shame for it. So anyway, he's calling me about that. You're a piece of shit.

You can't speak of shit, whatever. Fast forward, I reckon, 18 months. I reckon maybe the next or second next time I saw him, he'd gone through some sort of fucking mental breakdown. Get him while the chips are down had lost everything gone

been in court for six months whatever literally I reckon within 18 months I saw him he was walking along after saying

oh you're still driving your piece of shit guess what he was pushing he's all his belongings in a shopping trolley in St Kilda and I'm like

you still no I won't do it I won't do it oh fuck off we know you stopped no I didn't I won't do it. I won't do it. Oh, fuck off. We know you stopped. No, I didn't. I didn't. No, it's not so bad now.

We're the champ, eh? At least my car doesn't have Aldi written on the side. Yeah, I'd be more, I'm more into hanging shit on someone who's got a car. If you're pushing, you know, you're hanging shit on someone with a shopping trolley and that's their car, it's like, you've got nothing to lose. You'll fucking stab me. Yeah. Pushing the shopping trolley and then it's like, you've also got your savings account

in there because you've got the little dollar coin that you've received at the shopping trolley out of the bank of them. Yeah. Yeah. Pushing the shopping trolley and then it's like you've also got your savings account in there because you've got the little dollar coin that you've... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. ...got the shopping trolley out of the bank of them. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, fucking hell. Did you sell him your car? No. Fuck.

Yeah. Did you trade? Trade it in. Did you trade down? Yeah. That'd be great if you do pull over and he's still like, nah, that's fucking still worse than his trolley. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, this car, this shopping trolley can't go flat. Yeah. At least this is good for the environment, my car. It's eco, you know. If he'd had the breakdown, then he probably did see you and go, man, Carl still hasn't gotten it together. Yeah.

What a loser. Loser. I'm going to go and have a rest in a park. I'm waiting for it, actually, because he's now back on top, like not pushing shopping trollies. He's a self-made man. He's called his way back up. He's back.

I love those people. Entrepreneur. Yeah, yeah. What did he do? Bitcoin investment or? What do you mean he's back? Well, he's not pushing a shopping trolley around anymore. Is that all you have to be to be back?

Yes. I'm back, baby. I've been back for years. I'm the king. I'm on Wall Street. You're killing it. I'm fucking killing it. You've got to be somewhere

worse to come back. You've just stayed the same shit the whole time. Oh, is that the trick? Go down and then come back to average. Do it for a week and then come back

and everyone will be impressed. You've got to get something then lose it and then get it back again. You just need to get something. The hero's too. Yeah, I know. That's a hard part. That's got to be hard if you've hit to get something, then lose it, and then get it back again. You just need to get something first. The hero's too. Yeah, I know. That's a hard part.

That's got to be hard if you've hit rock bottom to the point where your belongings are in a shopping trolley, and then you get yourself out of it. It must be hard ever going back into the supermarket. Yeah. Just the PTSD of seeing the trolley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My old home. You'd be like, man, this guy's driving that trolley real good.

You know what I mean? He's very familiar. He's hitting those corners. He's reached the wheels as well. He's picking the one with the worst wheels and he's still handling it like a champ. But also the guy that did it, that, you know, had the trolley, he also, because he'd lost everything pretty quickly, he still had like one of those like expensive little cool boutique dogs, but he had that in the shopping trolley.

It's like, oh, that's a song. In the little section. It's like saying Paris Hilton, fucking homeless. You know what I mean she still had the the little dog the little dog and what your

your view is sell the dog get yourself a bit of money that way or eat it just eat it eat it eat the dog

how was it what was his triumphant comeback what did he do is he back into having a house or is he just stopped having an absolute mental breakdown

and trying to bring everyone to court it's just that easy folks it really is just that mental breakdown and trying to bring everyone to court? It's just that easy, folks. It really is just that easy. Just dropped around to sue everyone. Yeah, one day I just decided to stop having my mental breakdown and then everything turned around for me. And I could be a psychologist.

Wrap it up, guys. See that crazy? Yeah? You know how you're bronzing up? Just stop it. You know what I mean? Stop covering yourself in shit, guys. It's that easy actually he looked a lot

he looked a lot like you Merrick he had this in the bronzer on yeah well you know it is outdoor lifestyle yeah it is really outdoors lifestyle yeah

he was actually I saw him when I was flyering for one of my shows and he came up and I've got a big bunch of flies he's like oh yeah I'm just you know just walking around

with my dog what are you doing and I'm just hid the flies in my pocket going nothing just walking around yeah just hanging out in st kilda yeah you're not coming to my gig what was in the shopping trolley what makes the cut what belongings are you like i didn't have a big old i wasn't like merrick with your medicine cabinet i didn't stick my head and went hey homeless cunt what do you got what is it yeah yeah yeah looking for drugs I'd go

Have you got any doxycycline in there Yeah I'd be curious to know I'm assuming At the point in his life This guy already had Crazy enough dreams I would say

I don't think he needed the oxy He's having crazy dreams Whilst he's awake Yeah Yes He's having doxy dreams Whilst he's awake Yeah

He thought he was still Driving the Audi actually When he's pushing The shopping trolley around Was he at this year's Christmas, family Christmas? Was he there? Look, who knows who this guy was in the context? Oh, okay.

I don't know. Why are you winking at me, Carl? Because I want to fuck you. So you think he was having doxy dreams where he's in court and waking up and being like, that's a fucking great idea. Yeah. I'm going to start suing some people so I can live this fantasy out. Yeah.

I've got to follow up on something from the other week. Just before Christmas, we were talking about I hosted Christmas here with my parents and did a little thing on the show

where I wanted it to go perfectly. I was really stressed about everything being as good as it could possibly be. I was here. We're recording at your house so this was Christmas for you.

Not in this room but yes, in this house. You saved this just for us, this room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. This is the Merrick room. This is was Christmas for you. I mean, not in this room, but yes, in this house. You saved this just for us, this room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. This is the Merrick room. This is the Merrick wing. It's really comfortable here.

I feel like I could bronze in here. Yeah. You really could. Had the Christmas crackers, tested them out on the pod, dipped into some of the jokes. You wrote your own jokes? No, no, no. As in like the ones that I bought.

Oh, okay. Opened them up because I wanted the quality. Because on those boxes, they never put what's in them. You have no way of knowing the quality of the Christmas cracker when you buy them. You can't browse. You can't. Yeah. You can't make an informed selection about the level of comedy that you're getting in your Christmas cracker.

Yeah. And so they're all pretty low rent. And so we decided on the pod what we would do is Carl sent me some of his jokes typed out and I inserted them into the Christmas crackers for on Christmas day so that we could now someone else

knows what it's like to bomb with one of Carl's jokes just like you're just in the back giving like seven people in your house

the light like oh no hey can I guess what happens you get booked for the gala off the back of your Christmas lunch

is that what happens next? Oh, man, everyone in the house is on roadshow now. Oh, you're on Rove. Wow, that's excellent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great, great. Your turkey's on Rove. So I inserted the men.

I didn't put them in all of them. I thought we needed a bit of a control. Okay. So I left some of them intact. Yeah. And then I put a few chandlers in. Okay. Had them all sitting kind of in the centre spread when people got there.

And then, like, I'm in the kitchen still preparing stuff and people are kind of like, people just start ripping in without me. Oh, is that the protocol? Well, yeah. You have to wait and you do the arms and cross over and then you do it when you're eating. Yeah, people just sort of got stuck in. So then I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm going to miss this.

So I go out and it was... Now, this will sound like I've made this up, but this was beautiful. So it's like... People spewing. Orgy breaks out over the quality of the comedy. Your dad's got the shirt off. He's just fucking anything that moves.

Your dad's got pyjamas on trying to do it justice. Your dad's ringing up people just calling him cunts for no reason. So the crackers have just completely taken over the person reading them. Like on the way out, your dad's at the front rattling a coin jar. Can't believe a couple of bucks. Your dad's looking really tired. I get it. Yeah.

Your dad doesn't look as good as Merrick, you know, even though they're the same age. If the crackers had had crowd work in them, that would have been great. Oh, wow. What do you do for a job, you stupid cunt? Yeah. Great. Well, you, cause you sent them to a job, you stupid cunt? Yeah, right. Well, because you sent them to me, and I thought when we talked about it on the pod,

the idea was that you would kind of like rejig them into the classic sort of like Christmas cracker gag formula. Oh, right. So you just send me your bits verbatim, which it's rare that you get a Christmas cracker joke that's written in the first person. I was at the shop the other day. It's like, what? What's the story with plain food yeah you just open them that'll say i'm a massive fuckhead do you guys ever notice like what um so uh yeah going through them and the and the first few were

all just like yeah the the regular ones that were already in there which we read them out on the episode a few weeks ago like you know how, how does a snowman get to work? Like a bicycle. Yeah, but enough about my gear. What about the cracker stuff? Well, then we get to... I was actually thinking, I was like, is that a cracker one? Like, I honestly can't tell.

That's what the guy come up to me and said, that's why that guy's uncle is such a big fan, because of gear like that. Exactly. You should merge that though, you boys. You could seriously make Christmas crackers for next year. You've got heaps of time. Yeah.

You don't even necessarily have to go and have them manufactured, right? No. Go buy boxes, pull out the shit ones. You should have, because you know what? Put in good ones and bang. Boxing day, I went to see my folks and went to Woolworths beforehand and they'd mark down the crackers. Have you seen when they just

dramatically mark things down? Like, you know, you get food that's marked down because it's getting close to expiration date. They mark down a little bit. But when it comes to stuff that's like Christmas and Easter, they just can't be seen

selling it anywhere near full price. So they just, like there was literally a box of crackers for eight cents. They bothered putting up stickers saying eight cents for this big box of crackers. That's down from what? I'd buy that.

I don't know, $10 or something. Yeah, I'd buy that. I should have just done it. I should have fucking done it. They could come in handy. I do love it because it's like a diary or a calendar, I understand. But even like that, the prices for those get dropped dramatically like one day into the year.

It's like this is still 99.9% usable. One day is the year. It's like, this is still 99.9% usable. One day is it gone. I love it because you look at it and you go, okay, this entire big box of crackers is eight cents. And then I can't help but think of the conversation that two people had to have it like, what should we make this? Is it seven or eight?

Ooh, too light, seven. Seven. Make it around number eight. We don't want to give it away. Not seven. Let's make it eight cents. Eight's a lucky number in Asia. So what?

So what? We might get a few people give over a 10 cent coin. They can't be fucked getting the change from us. We're making a 20% profit on top of it. They're not going to date. They're going to need them every year. Just keep them out in the storeroom. Why are they pushing them out the door?

That's so crazy. Unless, of course, they are topical crackers. Maybe they've got a lot of COVID gear and the people behind the Woolworth Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so crazy. Unless, of course, they are topical crackers. Maybe they've got a lot of COVID gear and the people behind the Woolworths are going, nah, I reckon the virus will be gone in the next couple of weeks.

Yeah, right. Jay Leno presents Christmas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's going on about this? What's going on? There was a guy, right, he lived around the corner from us.

He was pretty eccentric. He was a pretty cool cat and he lived, he was kind of a bit older than my dad, I think. I think his name was Harry Rice

and Harry wasn't like a graphic artist. Great name. I don't know I think. I think his name was Harry Rice. And Harry was like a graphic artist. I don't know who he's like, but it's definitely Harry Rice. Weird thing. I haven't thought of this bloke for years. It's not a bad name, though. It's really good. It was super eccentric. And he used to drive an old Karmann Ghia Volvo.

And he was really quite stylish. And he's an artist, I think. And this is up in Eltham, so I've really identified him. But I think he's passed on. But anyway. Thank God. My man told me that he did this, right? Now, I still do this stuff.

I remember thinking as a kid, that is such a funny thing to do. Dad reckons that Harry would go down to the supermarket and either buy or procure items from the supermarket. Then he would take them home and really delicately, like with a scalpel precision, remove objects and then change them, alter them, and then take them back to the store and either smuggle them back in or exchange them. So one of the things he used to do is he'd go in and get toilet paper, apparently,

go in, slice it with a razor like perfectly roll it right out meticulously and then just write fuck you and then roll it all the way back when you say extension you mean crazy but another one i think i saw him at christmas this year but anyway i know i should troll you around can you imagine the word going into a joke that you were never going to see? Was one of his jokes putting needles in strawberries, by the way? Yeah, yeah. Oh, the kids love that one. I made the news. It was great.

I mean, the toilet paper's a gateway to strawberries. But apparently the other one he did was he would go down and get toilet duck and he'd take it home and get it out of his artist paints and change it to toilet fuck. Yeah, great. And then put it back on the shelf. And people, you know, not really looking at the labels, they just go and grab some toilet duck and then you take it home and get out his artist paints and change it to toilet fuck. Yeah, great. And then put it back on the shelf. And people, you know, not really looking at the labels, they just go and grab some toilet duck.

They grab toilet duck, they get home, they go, toilet fuck. Oh no. I have to stick this up my ass now. All right, it says it on the label, better do it. I love that he's got like a surgeon's precision with how he's like, you know, slicing open the roll. But then it's like, when it comes to the actual messaging, he's just got a one-track. He's just not that creative.

He's just like, ah, fuck you. It's like the Mission Impossible montage. He drops out of the ceiling. He's got the fucking binoculars on. He's spraying out the cameras. And then he writes, fuck. Rodney Rood, neurosurgeon.

Yeah. It's just like if all Banksy ever did was just drawings of rats just jacking their dicks. There's like no commentary. There's nothing insightful about it. There's no point. It's just smart.

I also love that he's – did he do anything not toilet-based or is he strictly – No, from my accounts, it was all toilet-based. Also, I love the idea of him getting sprung and going, it's not what you think. I'm not stealing this. I'm borrowing it to bring back and put the word cunt in. So I'm all good.

It's the sort of thing you'd see. It's probably like a deleted... I'm changing twisties into cunties. It's probably a deleted scene from Fight Club. It's very like Tyler Durden. You can imagine it like a monologue in that. It's just the long joke though. I love jokes.

And not being able to see the payoff either. That's it. That's what I love. It's doing it for the joke's sake, not to actually see or witness the payoff. I reckon it's amazing. I love jokes like that, where people do really eccentric shit like that.

Just knowing that somewhere out there, you've created chaos. Harry Rice strikes again. Bloody Harry. Harry Rice. Slash Banksy. You'd like to think he's putting his name on there somewhere. Like on the toilet roll,

he's got, Harry Rice says, fuck you. He would have been charged. That's actually a good point, yeah. I've gotten away with these crimes for this long because I haven't stuck my fucking name on it. Also, Harry, put down the packet of carefree. You've gone too far there, Tony. If he's passed away, We should do something to honour him Like find his gravestone

And say to Harry Rice Like Harry fuckhead You know what I mean? Yeah He'll love it He'll love it Trust me guys We got him

He needed an alter ego Like a You know Like an alias Like Harold Buzz Marty Oh yeah Throw people off the scent You know

Yeah I'd sit with it When you said Buzz Marty I was like why? Oh yeah Because I still don't get it. Harry Jasmine just sounds like a really bad hooker. Would you like Harry Jasmine? No.

Harry Jasmine. No, thank you. Pass. So actually speaking of this, so yeah, we're going through the Christmas cracker jokes. You know, we get the first three are like the generic, the actual ones that came in the Christmas cracker. My warm-up act.

Yeah, yeah. And then, fourth cab off the rank. So because you haven't said to anyone that this is what's happening. No, I haven't even told my girlfriend that this is happening. Oh, right, right, right. So you just got your ear sort of to the conversation so far. People are reading it and you're going, here we go, here we go. And so the first three, how have they gone in terms of reception-wise?

You know, fine. Like I think people know, you know, no one super loves a Christmas cracker joke, but you know what you're entering into. You know, it's a bit of fun. It's like lighthearted, like, oh, God, they're a bit corny. Which way are you leaning? Are you kind of like, I hope this makes the party better, or are you hoping that it bombs so you can give Carl shit?

I'm, as it's happening, I'm'm like the irony of it all being brought up and then this being the outcome is it's like this could well be the thing that ruins Christmas Day. This is going to be the thing that makes it not go personal. Carl strikes again. I'm thinking worst case scenario is the jig is up and someone goes, have you put other jokes in here? Have you, Harry Rice, this Christmas?

And if so, why? For content. Thanks for coming around, everyone. Because my friend couldn't find an open mic gig on Christmas Day, so he smuggled his new gear into our lodge. Fuck, if you'd written new, that would have been great. I was going to say, it'd definitely be rope. It won't be any.

You haven't written new in 10 years. That's not true. So then girlfriend's sister opens one and she looks at the sheet of paper and she goes, I have some scented toilet paper, or as I call it, used. And everyone at the table just goes oh that's what it got it was like a minute where people weren't eating

like food was out at this point also pick your like your themes you're like everyone's eating yeah I'll do one about

shit on a piece of paper shit in the mix and then and again this I know this will sound made up But I swear to god this happened My dad goes You know what

I really think there would be a market For comedians writing Christmas cracker jokes And distributing them Have you thought about that Someone should do that Because That would be so much better than this kind of stuff I'm like

I'm losing it going This is This is the perfect Did he say so much better than this kind of stuff. I'm like, I'm losing it going. This is the perfect end point. You should launch this as a business idea. Get some comedians to write these jokes so that people aren't having to read this kind of stuff.

So basically what I suggested, but good. I love that your dad says that straight after Carl's joke and you just walk up, turn the turkey off and go, Christmas is off guys, it's peak. I'm going to bed. You can do what you want. So yeah, maybe that's straight after Carl's joke and you just walk up, turn the turkey off and go, Christmas is off, guys. It's peak. That's it. I'm going to bed. You can do what you want.

Drop Mike out. So yeah, maybe we should do, maybe that could be like, you know, because there's a sequel to Fight Club and it's not a movie. It's a comic book. So you pivot. So you do Funny Buggers 2.

It's not a book. It's a line of Christmas crackers. Right, right, right. Funny Buggers and Christmas crackers. All a book Okay It's a line of Christmas crackers Right right right Funny Buggers and Christmas crackers Alright Yeah Or we just do the Or we just do the Dum Dum The Dum Dum themed Christmas cracker

Yeah yeah yeah But we've got to have The hard thing I think would be You've got to then You've got to have like the The little knick knack things in there as well Oh yeah You can't just have

But you've got to do the Sergio Like that's what I think that's what we should be doing Is Unfortunately I've missed The The The

Eight cent cracker deal. I should have just hoovered them up on Boxing Day. Absolutely. And then done the Harry Rice. And if you want transport, you know a friend with a trolley. You know what I mean? You get to go. You get it straight to your front door.

That's it. Yeah. Then we Harry Rice it. Pick out the joke. Put our new jokes in. Mark it up. Yep. No, a Harry Rice would be you go into the supermarket around Christmas.

You get the box Of them And you open them up And you take the toys out And you put in like a franger Or something like Oh yeah A used one

A used one Yeah yeah Definitely a used one Just heaps of bizarre shit in there It's funnier And also It takes the heat off the jokes Because no one's complaining

About the jokes afterwards Yeah Well they probably can't read it The paper's wet. Yeah. You read and use toilet paper and go, ugh. Anyway, let's...

There'll be a fun little magic trick or something in here as well and then it's like semen's just pouring out of the... It explodes. A dinghy just goes on. Yeah, all of a sudden things change

and the story of the next day is we were having so much fun with the great jokes in the cracker. Then we're covered in cum. All right. story the next day is we were having so much fun with the great jokes and the cracker then we were covered in cum. You always wanted a white snowy

Christmas and you've got it. Well you could probably go, I mean if those Christmas crackers were eight cents on Boxing Day

fuck they're probably like three cents by now. Oh they're gone. They're well gone. Somebody snapped them up. Somebody's going

in to get some hot cross buns. Yes. Absolutely. January 3 Decided I'll take those Someone out there Is probably Out of season purchaser

You know those people Are like Stop piling Mum always used to Have a stash of Christmas crackers You're like Just let it go Susan

But that's it Some people do that Some people go and Do all their Christmas Wrapping Shopping Unboxing day And all that sort of shit

So someone's Fucking got all that gear Someone's, yeah. It's like a dad's gone and put it in the garage now. There's like a big box of them. At the very least, the staff have gone,

why are we keeping this stuff that's worth eight cents? Someone just step on it and throw it away. Yeah. But I mean, look, the way things are going in supermarkets at the moment,

they might have some shelf space to bring it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can bring it back. Fuck, that's brutal. Instead of mincemeat, you just have some shelf space to bring it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can bring it back. Fuck, that's brutal. Instead of mincemeat, you just have some Christmas crackers. That's very funny.

Like, everything's gone in the store except for the 8-cent Christmas crackers. Yeah, that's great. Yeah. I know we were going to have eggplant tonight, but instead, we're having a bonbon. No toilet paper

because Harry Rice has taken it all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The only thing we can eat are bad jokes and cum. Yeah, so. I'd love to hear that this podcast inspires some kind of like copycat style Harry Rice crimes. I love the fact that it's already...

See on the news, there's been an epidemic of people just like... Harry Ricing. Weird pranks in the supermarket. If there was anything in the supermarket to change, sure, someone should go for it. But at the moment, there's not. Well, maybe the great man struck again. Maybe the supply chain is actually him. Why did I... He should do a heap of mints that he's graffitiing at home right now. Maybe the great man struck again. Maybe the supply chain is actually him. Yeah, right.

He should do a heap of mints that he's graffitiing at home right now. He's older now, so it's Alzheimer's. So he's remembered to take everything off the shelf. He just hasn't put a bank on it. He's sitting there just surrounded by... He's just a shoplifter now, that's all. Many of you must have done like a Harry Rice. I just remembered then, I've Harry Riced, and it was a fucking great one too.

How did you Harry Rice? Because I was about 20 years of age, and I was just starting in stand-up, and at the time I was a builder's labourer, and I was working on a block of flats in Paran in Melbourne, and I didn't like it, and I wasn't very good at it because I didn't like work. But I was in charge of the site sometimes. So what I'd do is, me and my and my brother he came working for a few days each week and anyway he was a good tradie and he would put up stud walls for the um apartments that we

were gutting and renoing and so each time the stud walls went in we'd put the plaster back on and i'd put the you know the gyprock on the back and then in the cavity I would just put donuts and cans of Coke. And then I wrote, I remember really clearly, I wrote inside the cavity, my name is Merrick Watts. One day I'll be a famous comedian and put and seal it up with the other piece of gyprock on the other side and left it there. So somewhere in Paran, there's a block of flats. And it's like we're talking 25 more years ago, like a long time ago.

And there's all this shit that i put in every in every apartment i put something in there and i wrote inside the cavities because i knew that one day they'd get knocked down and they'll find that there and someone's going to get in contact with me go we found your donut do you want it back imagine like they do they do it as an episode of the block and they take down a wall like how many apartments does dave h Dave Hughes own now that have your cans of Coke in it? Jesus, you owe me 11 donuts. Opened up the walls.

Bloody Mary Gwatz. You've got 11 donuts. You've got feet everywhere. Bloody Mary Gwatz. Yeah. Got 11 donuts. They're all dead. The best part of that is it's like a person finding that note in the wall,

there's no way they'd believe that the actual Merrick Watts. There's no way your first thought would be, this must literally be. It's like, oh, an insane person wrote this pretending to be me. Well, the insane person did write it, Tommy. They see the Merrick Watts and they see a bottle of tanning lotion. They go, that's his tanning bed. He used tanning bed in there when they made illegal. I wrote it in copper time.

Is he like black light? No, don't black light. I wrote it in copper time. Is it like black light? No, don't black light. Because the ultimate end to that. I mean, if you're ever there and you do that and you're there, but don't black, just don't. There's no need to. So if you live in an apartment in Paran, get the hammer out and just fucking take to the walls.

I mean, it's a big suburb, so. And odds are you're renting. You win a prize. The best end of the story would be in that scenario, you never making it in showbiz and someone finding it and going like, who is this? Just a random name being like, I'm going to be a famous comedian. It's like, sure you are, pal.

That is a great story that someone, you know, renovates and finds that and goes, my name is Merrick Watts. I'm going to be a famous comedian. You go, fuck, you did it. Well done. But there must be so many fucking insane open micers that have done the same. With so many people renovating and going, my name's Winston Beauregard and I'm going to be your first.

Shut up, cunt. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Nice cruller and fucking can of V. Thanks for leaving that on the wall as well. He's left a joke here about toilet paper as well.

Yuck. Boo. I was like, yeah, leaving cans and rubbish inside of walls, like that's not a prank. That's called just being a tradie. You know what I mean? Yeah, 100%.

You just leave it there like whatever, no one's going to fucking find it. This 25-year-old donut just decomposing in the wall. It's probably like whoever lives in that apartment is like,

I don't know what's going on. Like we've gotten pest control. There's a stick. We thought it was like a dead possum in the roof. You know what it'll be? Where is this smell coming from? It'll be one of those Krispy Kreme sort of things and you open it up and it's the same. It looks the same as it was like a dead possum in the roof where is this smell coming from it would be one of

those Krispy Kreme sort of things and you open up and it's the same it looks the same as it was 25 years ago like a cheeseburger

like the McDonald's beans they just don't change fossilised hey Blakey I meant to ask you about this

I made a little list one night in lockdown we went for a big walk and you were telling me all these stories. And I was like, fuck. And we were pissed. But even though I was pissed, I was like,

I've got to remember to do this. And I was making notes of stuff you were talking about. This always comes back to fucking haunt me. Drunk Brett. Yeah, because you were just saying it's like the most natural thing in the world. I'm like, this is fucking great. I've got to get a note of this. So you used to work when you were in Perth.

You used to work. Now, without any other parts of the story, this is fucking great I've got to get a note of this So you used to work When you were in Perth You used to work Now Without any Any other parts of the story This is just great That you used to work At Dick Smith At an electronics outlet

Yeah Because when I look at you I don't think high tech Well that's what was great Like I My mate Was like an area manager For the

For this This sub I used to work at the airport For a long time. Right. And then I- You've had a lot of jobs. Man, I've had so many fucking jobs.

You really have the dive, the professional diver? Yeah, yeah. Man, you've done a lot of shit. I don't even know that. What the fuck's that? Oh, mate. You don't know about the diving? No.

I was a professional diver for like three years. Were you? Yeah, I was an underwater camera guy, yeah. Oh, epic. Save that. Yeah, that's another story. Bring that back up and ask him about the trench, about going off the trench.

I don't like talking about that one. Yeah, that's free. We're not going to talk about that one. That's amazing. I'm going to make him tell you. Anyway. The retail one, my mate was an area manager for Dick Smith Electronics.

Just a moment while everyone at home goes, fuck, I wish he was talking about the diving story. But yeah, keep going. Yeah, there's nothing exciting. I just was a diver. If you're getting onto this like many years in the future, maybe go ahead to the next step Brett's on. Right, right, right.

This is like the Merrick Watts is going to be a famous comedian one day at the moment. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But my mate got me a job there and I knew fuck all about electronics. But the only reason I, I thought I was kind of like the cool guy at the electronic shop because of all these fucking nerds. And this is back when Dick Smith didn't just sell TVs. It was like electronic components and things like that.

Real like soldering kits and all this nerd shit. And I thought I was the cool guy there. But in hindsight. You're the guy with the mullet there. Yeah. In hindsight, I'm the fucking idiot that everyone was laughing at because I never, like I didn't, like, I used to sell people the wrong thing all the time. Right. Like, if people went to the back and would, like, buy components, like resistors, which are, like, six cents.

Right. Like, fucking, like, who gives a fuck about six cents? Right. You had to pull out this old book, count the stripes on it. So I just used to tell people, I'll just take it, mate. Just fucking. Like, if they had too many things on the counter, I'd go, mate, I'm not looking. Just fucking take it.

I don't want to. I don't have any copper. I can only give you change for six cents out of ten cents. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's almost a full box of Christmas crackers. Don't be so sad. You've got six cents. But I really turned that work environment into like a fucking frat house.

Like we used to – because it was such a boring job and it would be full of nerds. Nerds worked there. Nerds would come there. So I used to make exciting games. Like if you were bored with a customer, you go,

I'll just check out the back and see if we got that. But a game I used to like to play with some of the younger blokes is like you've got to go out the back and see how many beers

you can scald before they knock on the door. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing. Yeah, so I got six games. Before the customer comes

and knocks on the door to find you. Yeah, because there's a big door at the back and I'm just going to go in here and check if it find you. Yeah, because there's a big door at the back, and I'm just going to go in here and check if it's out the back. So there's a customer sitting there going, why is this taking so long? Yes, and I'm just out the back chugging beers.

You're chugging it, right? That's amazing. If that's me, it's four hours, honestly. There's no way I'm just going behind the counter and knocking on the door. It's a transparent window, but there's other stuff. If you're a Dick Smith, Blakey's in hospital by now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Getting his stomach pumped.

Yeah. I did spew on a customer after that game once, but it was on his feet. That doesn't count. The other great game we used to play was called Boxie. So you honestly did like six? Six beers, yeah. It was on a Sunday. How long did you work at Dick Smith's for?

Two years. They didn't fire me, which I used to borrow a lot of money from them anyway uh they used to have this you used to harry rice it you take the money home yeah the twenty dollars and write cunt dollars i was trying to create morale for the staff right dick smith right and i figured out that if like someone brought in a cable, like an old Dick Smith cable, like a HDMI cable, back in the day they were like $60. Right.

And there was no question about it. You didn't even have to really have a receipt. We'd just give you the money back because all the cables, like one out of four cables was fucked. Right? So we'd then give you the money straight up and then we'd put the cable in the bin. But I'd go get the cable out of the bin, right,

and get my other mate who lived around the corner to bring the cable in and then I'd just give him the 60 bucks. What? Yeah, yeah, so we just kept doing that. That is genius. We'd bring up a stockpile. Gee, I'm glad I just made a note of this on my phone and was too drunk to actually remember the specifics of these stories.

You get to relive it all over again. I'm going to talk about it. I don't know if I want to. It's just basically saying I'm a thief. But then we used to... But I used to take everyone out and we used to do this thing at Carnegie's. It was called the Long Island Ice Tea Challenge

with all the staff. Like, I used to go, guys, we're doing a new game. It's called the Long Island Ice Tea Challenge. It's like, how many Long Island ice teas you can have before you pass out? This is all in an electronic shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right. We'd go out after the shop. Oh, all in an electronic shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, right. We go out after the shop. Oh, you go out after. Yeah, we did drink during the hours. Yeah, I mean, that's not professional. I mean, sure, you can go back into the office and drink six beers in a row. Yeah. Yeah, but no more than that.

You need to still say just sober enough to be able to steal the cables and take the money out of it. But that's... It wasn't stealing. I was borrowing. But since then, Dick Smith has gone under. I was going to say. You're essentially a receiver.

You're the liquidator. Dick Smith is purely for beers and basic spirits. You need to go out if you're going to slam cocktails. Blakey the liquidator works on so many levels. If you got past five or six, then if you won the Long Island IST Challenge, you didn't have to rock up for the first two hours of your next shift. Right. And someone would have to cover you.

I really fucked this business. Who's making these rules? Me. This guy was in charge. I'm making the rules. How old were you, Blakey? I would have been 19. Oh, my God.

You're like, I'm in charge of morale. It's like, oh, gee, I wonder what the next bit of morale is going to be. Drinking as much as possible is every part of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, I did have one game called, it was called Boxie, right? And Boxie, there was always a big stack of televisions, right? And the goal was you can't stop, but they used to go to, because there was a warehouse at the back.

You can't stop, but you've got to run as hard and as fast as you can up to the box, and if you can touch the roof, you'd win a six-pack. Oh, right. Well, that was about drinking as well. Now I think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's also true about drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no. I just really – that's where my problems started beginning. But it was a sick job. It sounds it. What about going back to your six-cent transistor thing? Oh, yeah. The one story I do remember you telling me was. So, because there was a boss there, obviously,

and we didn't do all this shit in front of him. Like, he would fuck off. He was always going on a smoke break or whatever and would fuck around. So unprofessional. Yeah. Oh, man. So many dodgies of this.

Sounds like a good boss that somehow didn't notice his staff drinking six beers in a row they couldn't find me because my best mate was the area manager so i had like a fucking golden immunity like i used to sell people the wrong thing all the time right like people like what's so good about this computer and i'll just pick up the box i can't even read and i was trying to read i'm like it's got ram like you know they're like can we speak to someone who knows like i would just spend most of the time in the aisles hiding from people yeah can we speak to someone else yeah you can speak to me after six beers i'm basically a different person so i'll just go back and do that i'll check out the back i'll skull store um but this there was a big like the sections of resistors And switches and stuff like this And this guy

Just had a handful of stuff And I was kind of the only person around So I was like Mate just Just fucking whack it in your pocket Like no one cares Six cents times six cents Yeah

With a dollar I was like just whack it in your pocket No one fucking cares Right But he was still holding on to it Didn't put all of it in his pocket And walked out the front door When my boss was coming back in.

And my boss goes, hey, mate, have you paid for that? And then he goes, no, no, the guy said I could have it. And then I got called, he got called over. And then I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm done here. And he goes, did you say you could have this for free? And I was like, absolutely not. I think you've caught it this guy stealing.

That could have gone either way. And then he literally called security on the guy and he got escorted out of Belmont Forum. That could have gone either way.

I thought the end was going to be you start bronzing because you realise the jig is up. Just cover myself. They're taking me down. Guys I'm going to check the footage out the back to skull six feet. That guy gets...

I don't know who it was. But that guy, like, he could have had criminal charges for what was like... Oh, for $2.98? I could have lost my job, Merrick, all right? Yeah, what did that even mean? How would the morale have been if I wasn't there? It's a victimless crime, but with a victim. Yeah.

It's a victim crime. It's a victim... Well but with a victim. Yeah. It's a victim crime. It's a victim, gets it. Well, he should have fucking ran. That's on you. So he's probably, he's probably in the joint

right now. And I'm still doing time. Probably people still, yeah, I used to work there at Belmont Forum and I was just the worst fucking employee ever

but I had a great time and I could never get fired. It was sick. It's like comedy. I'm always around. I'm doing a bad job. No matter how she drank, I was singing in the back for six beers.

Actually, it is a lot like comedy. Look, you did my gig last night and I would say this, you were good for morale there. Yes. Thank you. No, no, I've had a lot of experience. In between each act,

doing a six pack out in the green room. Man, I was chugging them back last night. So yeah. Pretty stock standard. Well, speaking of, Merrick, you were telling us just before we started recording, you're doing this new festival show in Adelaide. Yeah, for the Fringe. It's a wine tasting comedy show.

Yeah. Now, I don't drink wine. We've talked about this on the show a bit before. Neither of us are big wine heads. I want to get into wine. I want to make 2022 the year that I get into wine. Yeah, do it. I want to start drinking it. But I don't know

where to start. Dick Smith, out the back. Yeah, okay. I'm the morale guy. I'll like fucking scold that cunt and then run up the TV boxes and see if he can touch the roof. Just your first step in wine appreciation is six Rieslings back

to back. Yeah, I was going to say, would I be wrong to assume that the wine is coming in the same sort of thing that the TV is? A box. No, no, a TV doesn't have a bladder in it. You have to climb the wine before you can drink it. Yeah. That's boxies. That's what I'm doing.

I'm trialling at the moment. I'm getting together a show called An Idiot's Guide to Wine, which is for people like yourself. Yeah. But I'm the idiot. show called An Idiot's Guide to Wine, which is for people like yourself. Yeah. But I'm the idiot. It's not for idiots. It's for people who just – it's a comedy show but with wine and you taste wine through the show.

Because if anybody listening doesn't know, I've got wine qualifications. I've got like a sommelier level of wine qualifications. So I know enough about wine. It's actually pronounced sommelier. You just talk about wine and just make jokes and talk about how history has played a part in wine and wine has played a part in history. It's actually pronounced millionaire. You just talk about wine and just make jokes and talk about how, you know, history's played a part

in wine and wine's played a part in history. It's really fascinating. Give me, because like Tommy said, I know fuck all about wine. I like the idea of wine. It's like jazz

or something. It's like, it sounds cool to be into, but I've got no appreciation or, well, to me, it's the same thing.

Nah, man, jazz is nowhere near as good as wine. Nah, but yeah, it's, if you know a little bit about wine, Give me, it's the same thing. Nah, man. Jazz isn't nowhere near as good as wine. Nah, but yeah. If you know a little bit about wine... Give me three things I should know. We have a good friend, actually,

who also knows a lot about wine based on the qualification that you have. Yeah. My mate pushes the trolley around? No. No? Who? Nick Capper.

Yeah. He's a smelly, eh? Yeah. Oh, I've got to stitch with that one. Take the day off. That was excellent. Fuck, you could see that little twinkle in your eye from a kilometer away. 54 minutes, buzzers are bound to sound.

I've just launched the three. Bang. DeRozan. Swish. Nice. Right on the buzzer. Three things. Three things.

Well, number one, wines like Chardonnay and Riesling, which are much maligned, and Rosé. Those three wines are too maligned by people, particularly blokes, who think it's a bit girly to drink or a bit effeminate to drink Riesling or Chardonnay or Rosé. They are three of the greatest wines you will ever find. Riesling's amazing. Are they like entry level? Yeah, yeah. Cheap as.

Like, you know, Riesling, $25. You'll find an amazing bottle of Riesling for $25. Same with Rosé. And Chardonnay is usually a bit more expensive. There's a bit more to it. But there are three wines that, like, actually are very suited to male palates. But blokes just shy away from it. So that's one thing that I would say.

The girls' bike of wines. Okay. Girls' wines are great guys' wines wines is what i'm saying and another thing another thing you should know women have better palates than men women taste wine better than men so therefore wine makers who are females tend to be extremely good wine makers that makes sense why mrs drinks so much of it got her she's like you're the one with the drinking problem anyway got me well i i used to be pretty like with beer i would only ever drink basically only She's like You're the one with the drinking problem Anyway Got me Well I I used to be pretty

Like with beer I would only ever drink Basically only ever drink pure blonde I was pretty unadventurous With the beers that I would drink Jesus man Unless you have beer I know

That is sad Isn't that like Beer for diabetics or some shit It's like I'd rather drink diet creaming soda Than drink that Pair's great with a doxy Oh yeah

Washing a doxy down with a crisp pure blonde. You were talking about drinking this a long time ago, I'm assuming. So during lockdown, I got more into like branching out into different kinds of beers. Oh, sorry. We were talking about a year ago. Yeah. Oh, okay. A couple of years ago.

Something to do. Go down to the bottle shop. And I would pick, I found some really good beers based on, I'm a very visual person, so I would just go based on the label. Interesting can design. Yep. So what I did today, in honor of you being on the pod, I'm a very visual person, so I just go based on the label. Interesting can design. So what I did today, in honour of you being on the pod, I went down to the

bottle shop and I've picked out a bottle of wine based on, based purely on the label. And I want you to get a look at it and tell me, like, have I picked a good one? Ooh, that's dangerous with wine, I reckon. Okay. Are we drinking it? Yeah, let's have a glass of beer if we all want to try it. Yeah, come on. You know who's into wine now?

Brett Blake. I'd do a bit of a... I know, I know. You know how you'll do like a pairing? You'll pair like a wine with a food? Yeah. I thought I'd pair this wine with the podcast. Yeah.

So in honour of Brett being on, I've got a 2018 Shiraz called The Idiot. Okay. Bang. So what do you think? Just on label alone, what do you reckon of this? It's a Philip Shaw. Yeah. It's from Orange in New South Wales.

Yep. Was just in Orange and went to a few wineries out there. Yeah. Oh, you were too. Yeah. You went to National Lane and saw my friends out there. So, yeah, I would say this would be a good wine. How much did you pay for it?

25. Yeah. That's good. I reckon, I don't know much, but if you're in the 25 area, you're normally pretty safe, I think. Right. Is it like reds and stuff. It is what Merrick said.

Yeah, you're now into wine, which is, I saw you last night. Sorry, but it is a weird visual to watch you walk around with that hair and that beard and be clutching a red wine. I'm like, are you lost? What's happening here? I've always loved red wine. I've always loved it. I don't know why.

I always have. My first feeling was when I saw that, I was like, we've run out of beer in this pub. This is weird. I get it. The lady,

because I go, I'll finish, I always like to finish a glass of red. You know what I mean? I'll have beers and then you finish off with a nice couple

of glasses of red and one of the ladies in the audience is like, what the fuck are you doing drinking that? And I was like,

all right, mate, calm down. But see, the funny thing is in South Australia, there's so much wine in South Australia and I know what the fuck are you doing drinking that? And I was like, all right, mate, calm down. But yeah. But see, the funny thing is, like, in South Australia, there's so much wine in South Australia. And I know, I think it's Gleeson makes a joke about, you know, the fact that so many bogans who go to Clipsil drink really fine red wine. Right.

And it's kind of true. Like, you know, wine is actually the drink of the masses like beer is. You know, it's like in Europe particularly, it's just an accepted everyday drink you know I would say this is my thing with wine

it's like you know when I was a kid it took me a little while to get into beer because it's like an acquired taste when you're 16

or whatever you know I wasn't immediately into it so is this is wine is wine a thing like this

is it going to take me a couple of years to appreciate the taste and get used to it or is it just a thing that I'm never going to get into? I think it's a better alcohol because you can drink it and people don't think you're a piece of shit.

You know what I mean? Like you could be drinking that in a car park. I mean, like, oh, he must be a familiar. This is Woolworths, but ooh la la. Yeah, fancy. Well, it's gone absolutely everywhere as I've poured four glasses. So I've made a real fucking mess of this You did

Alright Let's have a go of the idiot There we go Soon to be the official wine of the little dumbbell I like that it's a red and not a white Because white scares me This looks like raspberry cordial Which I can get on board with

So that's a good start It's quite juicy Yep It's a bit heady as well Like when you drink it It goes down and wms up your stomach. How long did it take you to get into being able to throw around terms like that?

I just made that up. Okay, so that's the secret. That was actually Brett speaking there. What do you think about it? You got a riff. Blakey's had six of these already as we've been talking. I had two in the car. I'm always like, I kind of know what this wine is and I know where it's from

and I know why it's different to say a Barossa Shiraz because it's a cooler climate than Barossa Shiraz. So it's not quite as like fruit punchy. It's a little bit lighter. But this is not what I do on my show, by the way. Right, right. Because it would get very boring very quickly. Not as funny as this.

Yeah. What do you think of this? More jokes and a little bit more. What do you think of this glass I'm drinking out of? It says, don't ever ask. Rough day, easy day. Don't even ask. Sorry, I've got shit eyes.

It's pretty good. So there's levels on the glass. Can't read it properly. Probably need a bit more sleep in this. Need some rest. I look tired. No, the shine off his skin is reflecting off the glass. He's got the coconut oil in his eyes.

When did you like it it That's an important thing Did I like it Yeah I did like that Bit warm Probably needs a bit more ice I would have thought Bit of ice mate Don't be afraid to put ice in

That's another myth That you can't put ice in wine I put ice in wine All the time Do you Really Okay Particularly Riesling

I love a nice ice cube Okay Sound like my mum Next you have the Jats out You know what I mean Bit of cheese Mate I'm always getting my Jats out I have a few too many drinks I get the Jats out You know what I mean A bit of cheese I'm always getting my Jats out I have a few too many drinks

I get the Jats out My missus says Put your balls away Getting the Jats out Get the Jats out Missus goes Put them away Is that ice okay

What about like a What about like a nice Diet Coke or something in here Mix it with that I was in Like Italy What's that country Between Italy and

Like a Spain Or whatever the fuck it was Yeah yeah Guys That fucking country like Italy what's that country between Italy and like a Spain or whatever the fuck it was yeah yeah guys that fucking country no there's like I can't even remember hang on you look smarter

for a second with the wine in your hand and now you're back sorry I'll hold it it's somewhere where I didn't know where it was France is in between Italy and Spain

it's like this little country and I can it's like between Spain and France and it's like they consider it Belgium they consider it

their own country maybe it's not Spain maybe it's it's one of those it's They consider it Their own country Maybe it's not Spain Maybe it's It's a little small area And it has a lot of The Michelin star restaurants Yeah yeah And in this area

They love Red wine and fucking coke And it was Honestly The most stonked I've ever been in my life Red wine and coke combined Yeah

Wow Coca-Cola Coca-Cola So at night It turns into like this Maybe it was Spain Because of like Pitch shops or whatever.

It is Spain. It's on the east coast of Spain. Yeah, yeah. And they do butchers. Where the Basques are from. Yeah, butchers turn into little delis at night, and they hand out wines and shit like that. But they always mixed it with Coke.

And I was like, what the fuck is this? Red wine and Coke? Yeah. I'm going to give this a go. I think because their red wine is so shit That they put coke with it I don't know But going back to what you said When you first start drinking beer

You hate it I had that experience When I was like 15 For a couple of years All I would drink was the Woodstock and Cokes Yeah You know that was kind of my entry Into alcohol in general

Yes This could be my I just You and I We become big wine drinkers We start out on the red and cokes Big absolute L plate wine drinkers Yeah

But then over time, you're just lowering the amount of coke that you're putting in there. You slowly wean yourself off the coke until you're just drinking full throttle red wine. Can we do like SodaStream Cab Savs or something? Is there a way we could do it? I think you can do that.

I love when you go to a bar and you see like wine on tap. There's something about it that makes me feel like I'm back in Perth suburbs. You know what I mean? You want a fucking Riesling, do you? And then it's like Bundy on tap. It just all makes me happy. I would say I have not even tried to drink wine for years.

My first thought was that's weird how it's got a film on my lips afterwards. It's a bit, you know, it's not... Is that a thing? No, it's a bit, you know, it's not, I'm... Is that a thing? No, well... No, no, it's a bit... It's just a little bit more kind of... You're working the beast. I don't know what you call it.

Viscous than beer. Beer's really clean. Wine can be a little bit more viscous. Right. And it has length. Is this a good wine that we're drinking? Because... Yeah, it's a good wine.

I would say I'm not completely like, oh, yuck, which is a good sign. It's not a yuck wine. It's a good wine. It're drinking? Yeah, it's a good wine. I would say I'm not completely like, oh, yuck. Which is a good sign. It's not a yuck wine. It's a good wine. It's from a very credible winemaker from a good region. Don't you go to like when you go to your missus and stuff, you go on road trips, you not stop at vineyards and stuff. Look, I don't know much about wine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't mind when someone explains their passion to you. Oh, yeah, and all you do is sit around getting pissed. It's sick. Brett's helped himself to a monstrous second glass, by the way. I like to call that, after my mother, it's called a Susan pour. She has one glass. She goes, I've only had one glass tonight,

and it holds three quarters of a fucking bottle. No, you've just helped yourself to a Hungry Jacks pre-refill. You're on a golf course. This glass is what I'm leaving Tommy. I'm taking the bottle. This is a tasting, mate. You're meant to be spitting this out. I'm not just fucking guzzling it by the gallon.

I'm decanting it in my body. I like it. I'm into it. Yeah, good. I'm into the idiot. Just try a new wine. Maybe I'm growing up. It's not too bad.

I don't mind it. You know what I would suggest for you boys? Would you say that works? You go in and you just You roll the dice On just a label that you like You take a punt Yeah

But in a price range Yeah Yeah 20 to 25 bucks Have a punt Absolutely You'll find good wines Australia's

We're really lucky We make so much wine In this country That we can drink Really good booze At a very low price The big turn off for me though Where it's like

Beer always wins out Is just Wine's not refreshing That's bullshit You drink beer Because it's like a always wins out Is just Wine's not refreshing That's bullshit You drink beer Because it's like a hot day No mate Cold glass of wine

On a fucking hot day Is great Oh mate I don't find it I feel like I'm drinking Baileys right now Nah I like red

In like winter You know what I mean You're at a pub You finish drinking beer For the night You either have a whiskey Or a glass of red You have a fucking glass of red

It's beautiful But it's got I want a cold drink, no matter what. I don't need warm anything. Then Riesling, mate. That's what I'd say to you. I'd chill down Riesling. I make it really cold, like borderline slushy sometimes.

Yeah, chill drink is good. So rosé is good for that. Definitely Riesling for that. Chill it right down. Chardonnay, I don't want to make too cold because it kind of mutes it. That's a great, refreshing drink, Riesling. Because I kind of mutes it. But that's a great refreshing drink, reasonably. Because I'm with you, Kyle. If it's going to be warm, it's like I may as well just have a fucking Milo.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You are a fucking child. Thank you. It's either this or a Milo. Now you have two options in your head. No, no, I only drink Woodstock, Milo or this. Put a marshmallow in his glass. Why did you do that?

Dude, what do you have in a baby Chino? Red wine baby Chino. A little froth on the top. All right, we better wrap it up there for another week. Thanks, boys. On the Little Wine Wine Club. Brett and Merrick, thanks for joining us. Merrick, you've got the wine tasting show happening in Adelaide.

Adelaide during the fringe. It's called An Idiot's Guide to Wine. And it's not really like what we did. But it's fun. It's like heaps of's not really like what we did. It's fun. It's like, it's heaps of weird history and shit like that and it's fun

but you will learn about wine. You'll learn about six varietals of wine. You'll learn about Riesling, Chardonnay, Rosé,

Pinot Noir, Grenache and Shiraz. And there's Grog involved. Yeah. Definitely Grog involved. It's great. It's awesome. People are drinking

during the show. It's fantastic. So they don't need to drink before it which is good. There's plenty of drinking during Brett Blake's show as well but just from the person on stage and not are drinking during the show. It's fantastic. So they don't need to drink before it, which is good. There's plenty of drinking during Brett Blake's show as well, but just from the person on stage and not really part of the show. Oh, yeah, I'm just out the back, you know, just giving it a fucking nudge.

You heckle Brett, he goes backstage, and while he's thinking up a comeback, he skulls six pints. Yeah, and until you knock on the door, I don't come out. So, yeah, that's pretty much chews up the whole hour. But I've got a show coming up for the festival. I haven't announced it yet, but I'll just announce it here. It's called Smoko King. So Melbourne, I think I'm doing Perth and then Sydney Festival.

And then Adelaide, Melbourne and all the other festivals, me and Nick are doing our show called Brew Dudes, which is a beer-based show. The new show's called Jugment Day. Get what we did there? Terminator 2 themed. So get around it. So what's the name of the solo show?

Smoko King. Smoko King. Is it Smoko King, The Life and Times of Dick Smith? No, it's actually about some of the jobs I've had, which the diving will get brought up in there. Oh, the diving's unreal. And then you know work in construction and then how i was asked to audition on uh tiger king what but i just rejected it because uh yeah sounds like a hell of a story i've told it on this pod before yeah yeah we made fun of you oh that's right all right guys thanks

for you got your podcast as well oh yeah i got the world's best podcast, Flat Stick, where if you're not up to date, me and Kappa did a massive adventure bike ride for the last two weeks riding from Queensland. So that's all there for you guys to catch up on. Nice. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate.

See you. And they've done it again. Bernie's kicked. Bernie's drunk a big one. What flavours were you getting? What sort of notes were you getting from that podcast? I was detecting a bit of sperm. Yep.

A bit of... A spermy finish. A little bit of cum as well. A lingering sort of cum. Some sort of like... Long in the dick. Like a little bit of cum as well. A lingering sort of cum. Some sort of like... Long in the dick. Like a little bit of ejaculate as well on top of that. So varied.

Varied. A lot of different things happening in there. Yeah. That's a busy glass of wine. All three. Very busy. I was busy filling it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice. Fun with those two for sure. Merrick Watts trying to sneak into town and just live his life for a day in Melbourne. How dare you. But I fucking busted him. How dare you. Thanks to those guys, and thanks to us for turning up as well. Yeah, thanks to us for giving up a Saturday to do content.

That's what we're doing, you're right. Yeah, we said at the top of the show about all those tour dates. Of course, we're going to Brisbane. We're going to Adelaide. We're going to Perth. We're going to Melbourne, making the long trek. Yep. So, yeah, if you're in any of those towns, if you're close to any of those towns, please come along.

Yep. Of course, Brisbane, just remember to turn up. Adelaide, remember that you can actually leave your house at some stage and get some tickets. Yep. Perth, a couple of tickets left. And Melbourne, remember the 500th. It's got a new date on April 2nd. And, yeah, a bunch of those other afternoon shows are on sale.

That would mean we're on the 9th, we're on the 16th, we're on the 23rd of April. So Melbourne, that month of gigs are always super big names and heaps of fun. So come on to those ones at the European Beer Cafe. Yeah, including April the 2nd at the Athenaeum, the 500th and the 600th episode, back to back. That's right, Tommy.

So it's going to be an extra big one. It's going to be heaps of fun if you let it be. So get into it. That's all of our live stuff at the moment. Yeah. What else is happening, Tommy? That's it. I've got my solos in stuff at the moment. Yeah. What else is happening, Tommy? That's it. I've got my solos in a couple of places.

Yep. Doing it 4.45 in the Rana room after our Adelaide show, straight after our Adelaide show, running downstairs. And in Perth, it's the night before the podcast, so March the 4th at the Brisbane Hotel. And then Melbourne, March the 30th until April the 10th. And, yeah, tickets. You can find the links at littledumbdumbclub.com.

So you are in Adelaide. We do our show at what time? At 3.30? Yep. And then you're straight on afterwards. Yep. Did we talk about there was Kitson on after us? Yeah.

So you're versus Kitson. You're on at the same time as him. Kitson starts at 5 he's on later than that 5.30 I think Okay Right so after you I think yeah Okay

But I'll say it here I'm prepared to take on Kitson Yeah yeah yeah Yeah Fair enough Two of the greats That'll be fun Can't wait to

Just get the fuck out of town Do something So please Adelaide Wake wake up, cunts. I know we say it every time, but it needs to be said every time. Yep. So just do it. A lot of good people in town that weekend. There is.

It'll be a great show. There's fucking heaps. We made a little list the other day, and there is a fucking lot of potential guests. And we've made sure that Merrick Watts isn't doing some fucking wine gig at the same time so that he can just steal them all by paying them heaps more than what we do.

Yep. Yep. So we've got first dibs at all these fucking idiots stuck in Adelaide with nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon. Yep. So that'll be good. All you have to do, in fact, we've got more comics wanting to come to it

than we have punters. So fucking pull your little fucking pie float of fingers out of your ass. That's live shows. What else is there to talk about? Is there any updates in life, Tommy? I don't know. Any updates in anything we've talked about in previous weeks? I'm trying to think.

Real pain in the ass refiguring out the 500th. We didn't really go into detail about that last week. Well, we're sitting here recording this as we would be backstage at the Athenaeum. Yes. Getting ready for the gig. Yes. So, yeah. I mean, annoying, but also, I don't know, kind of used to it by now, to be completely honest.

No, absolutely. So someone was like, oh, really sorry. I'm like, it hasn't even really registered to me as something that I need to be felt sorry for, to be completely honest. That side of it, yes. And physically rearranging it was extremely annoying, but once that was sorted, that's fine.

In terms of missing out, then yeah, it's still going to happen, so whatever. Just a lot of admin, which is a fucking pain in the ass. Anyway, it'll be heaps better if you guys turn up and fill it out. I don't think we really talked about it all that much last week when we sort of made the announcement that we had moved it because we were recording Talking Dumb Dumb at the pub last week. We weren't really in the mode to be getting critical information out there.

But, yeah, the situation in Melbourne at the moment is lots of cases, lots of people being sick, lots of people had a lot of hesitancy about coming to the show, and it just felt to us like we were going to be doing this thing that was missing a quarter of the audience for one reason or another. And if you're putting on a thing where a lot of people are saying, oh, I feel a bit iffy about going, it does kind of make you feel like well why put on a show that's going to be a bit of a bummer vibe for the people that are there so absolutely the point of doing it

easier to move it point of doing it is for us to enjoy it and for you guys to turn up and both of those things were going to be absolutely impacted lots and lots of you people hit us up to say that you weren't coming or were probably not coming. Or if you were coming, you weren't happy about it. So what's the point of doing it if that's the case? You know, the venue probably had more questions as well while we were doing it. And we really thought there was going to be some sort of change in restrictions that meant that the decision got taken out of our hands, which would have been a blessing. But the restrictions applied to basically every indoor venue

that's not a theatre. So meaning that we had to make the call ourselves, which was very frustrating. Yeah, right. Because I don't know, whatever. I don't really see how a theatre is any different to a restaurant in terms of spread. But here we are, April the 2nd.

We're now, after two years of you guys making jokes about it uh yes we are going to be doing a 600th episode at the same time it's a 500th episode it's all within the one ticket so if you still have your ticket uh you're now getting double the amount of show that you were going to before yeah and a big bumper episode absolutely and there is a you know you're down to single figure seats and stuff available so uh look don't go trying to book 17 of you in a in a robe um all by next to each other um you know there's there's small amounts of tickets left so uh get onto it quick before there's literally nothing because this is all of a sudden um i think you know

hindsight's a lovely thing but i think this is a better a sudden, I think, you know, hindsight's a lovely thing, but I think this is a better setup than what it was before. It's annoying only in the sense that it's so close to being exactly two years from the original date. It's annoying that we couldn't have gotten a date in three extra weeks would have been the two-year anniversary of the original date. Something to truly celebrate.

And also, look, it's also a thing where we it's happening on april 2 that just happens to be when there's a certain arts festival in town and that means there's a lot of comedians weirdly in town during that week which means uh a lot of them have gigs yeah a lot of them have gigs that night which means they're they're struggling for something to do during the day which which means we may have access to them. So there's a lot of people that potentially we can get on that are very good friends of the show and good profile comedians. So it's going to be possibly even better than what it would have been. I think so. It'll be fun.

But in the meantime, we need to, of course, shout out all the people who continue to keep the lights on in here at uh dumdum hq you're sitting in front of a a lamp in my room that would not be on if it weren't for some of the people that we're about to talk about that's it you can of course i don't know how we go on i mean sure it's you know three o'clock in the afternoon but we need that lamp on well it does get you know the window is pretty narrow in here it does get a bit it does get a bit dim um but uh yeah patreon.com slash littledumbdumbclub is where you can go and support the show.

And you can get some extra content for your trouble. You can get two bonus episodes every week, little mini episodes Monday and Friday with great guests. Always a lot of fun on them. And more importantly, you go into the draw to get your name read out and immortalized in another edition of Talking Dum Dum.

Yes. And I've got the UTA all fired up. Let's hit the big red button and get the first cab off the rank right now. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Joaquin McAvoy. Joaquin? Yeah. Is it spelt like Phoenix? Yeah.

Isn't it Joaquin? Oh, is it? I don't know. Is it Joaquin? I don't know. I think it it joaquin oh is it i don't know is it joaquin i don't know i think it's joaquin is it oh god you know what i've got a feeling that this guy i'm into the name though the name joaquin i like it i've got a feeling this guy really maybe it's just because i like the actor do you like him that much yeah he's great. Okay. You know what? This guy thought ahead and I've ignored this somehow, but he's even, in his profile, he's even put in brackets

how you pronounce his name. Has he really? Yes. Right. Pronounced Joe Quinn. Joe Quinn? Yeah, Joe Quinn. McAvoy.

You're kidding. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Joe Quinn McAvoy. Joe Quinn McAvoy. Yeah. Do. Thank you to Patreon subscriber Joe Quinn McAvoy. Joe Quinn McAvoy. Yeah. Do you know what I reckon that is? What the fuck? He's got that name and just he's decided what the pronunciation is.

That's not how to pronounce it. No, there's absolutely no way that's a pronunciation of that name anywhere in the world. There's just no way. I reckon he's just, as a kid, has just gone, yeah, that's what my name is. There's just no way. I reckon he's just, as a kid, has just gone, yeah, that's what my name is. Or I think he's just fucking with us because he knows that nine times out of ten we get the pronunciation of people's names wrong. I don't think so.

So he's like, yeah, whatever, boys. Here's how you do it. You're going to butcher it one way or another. No. I don't think so. Why would you bother doing that? Joe, pronounce Joe Quinn. Joe Quinn McAvoy. Joe Quinn McAvoy. pronounced joe quinn joe quinn mcavoy joe quinn mcavoy i reckon he's just really

yeah age five didn't know how to say you're keen or anything like that it's just that's so yeah that's a good point parents giving you like a very floral name and then you're three yeah and it's like this is a disaster our kid can't say his own fucking name yeah and it should be the first time the first thing you nearly say. Yeah. And he's been given a fucking 11 out of 10 to fucking try and pronounce when he's three years old. Babies should get to make their own names. You just don't have a name until you're three.

And then third birthday, there's a little ceremony where it's like, what do you want to be called? And whatever you can say at that age, that becomes your name. My child. What do you think your child, your child's nearly three. Yeah. What do you think she'd be picking as her name if that was the. Man, I was going to say my child doesn't and didn't pronounce her name properly and just abbreviated to something.

It's like a common abbreviation sort of of her name that people were like, oh, would you call her that? And I'm like, absolutely not. And then all of a sudden, no, she's just decided. She likes it. Okay. Yeah, yeah, interesting. So, yeah, she doesn't want to – of course, that name is Blanket.

She just calls her name Blanky. Blank. Okay. Just Blank. Yep. Little Blank, Blank Chandler. Little Blankety Blanks. Yep.

Yeah, so, yeah, she's gotten on top of that one. I reckon that's what Joe Quinn did. Yeah. Saw his own name on his books or whatever at age two and one. I reckon that's what Jo Quinn did. Yeah. Saw his own name on his books or whatever at age two and gone, yep, that's it. People gone, that's actually not how you try. So people try to mansplain his name to him. He's gone, actually.

Yeah, it must be like if you're a baby Joaquin, that must be a really hard one to get across the line for a little kid. What a pain. This is what your name is. What a fucking pain. Yeah. Like you're dealing. What a fucking pain. Yeah. Like you're dealing with it every fucking day. How many times have you...

You know what? Like I'll do the door at Basement Comedy, which Basement Comedy Club, Friday and Saturday nights in Melbourne, downstairs at European Beer Cafe. And the amount of times there'll be a name where you just go, fuck, I've got to say something here.

And then you go, I can't do it. Yeah. You would have copped this so many times. Yeah. And then, like, sometimes I'll say it and they'll go, yeah, yeah. And you go, there you go. That's why you don't say it. You can't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no way. The scenario where you would be the first. Yeah. There's no way. I'm like, Mr. Cum Drinker, I've got to say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard it all. Yeah. I'm like, okay, all right, I won't got to say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I've heard it all.

Yeah. I'm like, okay, I won't say anything. Must be nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I haven't heard that one yet, actually.

Mr. Funny First Name. Anyway, whatever. Yeah, so that's what this guy's operating with. So he's certainly operating, yeah, he's chosen now a tough, it was an easy life as a kid. Yep.

But now it's tough because now everyone's reacting the way you react. You're saying there's no way your name is Joe Quinn. Well, the interesting thing is like he, you know, I don't know how old this person is,

but let's assume he's grown up. No one's questioning it. Joe Quinn. Then all of a sudden, this actor comes along. Yep. And he really starts making waves. Yep.

Oscar nominated? I don't know if he's won. i think he certainly would have been nominated but he's a big star everyone knows joaquin phoenix so all of a sudden this guy's coming in and fucking your life up everyone you're meeting they're like oh yeah yeah no i know what it's like no it's actually joe quinn the exact reaction i've had it's like no it can't possibly be that because there's a famous actor who pronounces it this way. So it must be pronounced that way. It's Phuket. It's not fuck it.

Yeah. You know, you can't even understand the sophistications of your own fucking name, you idiot. You do every now and then hear people pronounce it Phuket though. But not fuck it. Not fuck it. Not quite to that extent. But there is, if it's another language. I did. What background is Jo if it's another language. I did.

Because what background is Joaquin from? The name. Well, it sounds to me Portuguese or Spanish at the very least, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. That's very strong vibes. But then again, this bloody joker's got McAvoy as his last name. So it's, yeah, there's a bit going on.

has got McAvoy as his last name. So it's, yeah, there's a bit going on. Also, I won't read out his email address, but part of his email address, he has the word jokes in his email address. So that's, I looked at that and was like, is this guy a comedian? Then it took me a while, then I was like, oh, because his name is Joe Quinn.

Yeah. He's abbreviating Joaquin to jokes. Because it's Joe Quinn. Joe Quinn. I think I hate this guy. It's hard not to. He's really making a difference. I mean, he gives us money and that's good.

But everything outside of that, I'm not into. I like Joaquin as a us money and that's good but everything outside of that I'm not into I like Joaquin as a name but that's not his name it is a weird thing to his parents have given him this name and then he's gone

well actually this is how it's pronounced they're like we gave it to you I think we know how like that conversation has definitely happened with his parents

but also let's rewind to the good old days when you've read it out as Joaquin and I've gone you fucking idiot that's not when you've read it out as Jokin. Yeah, yeah. And I've gone, you fucking idiot. That's not how you pronounce it. It's like, I didn't know how good I had it.

I wish this was Jokin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Look, I feel like we're doing the wrong thing by pronouncing it McAvoy. It could be McEvoy. Yeah, McAvoy. McAvey. McEvoy. Yeah. Let's move on. It could be Croatian or something. McEvoy. Yeah. McAvoy. McAvey.

McAvoy. Yeah. Let's move on. Could be Croatian or something. McAvoy. It's a Saturday afternoon. It's a beautiful day outside. Joe Quinn McAvoy.

We don't want to be sitting inside wasting a beautiful Saturday afternoon talking about this fucking cunt who can't even pronounce his own name properly. Fuck you. Yeah. Why do we have to? You've had a horrible life, obviously, thanks to this thing. Yeah. Why do we have to have a horrible life as well?

Thanks for keeping the lights on, but honestly, I'd rather they were turned off. Yeah. If it's meaning having to deal with this. I feel like switching them off now. Yeah. I'd rather live in fucking dark... I'd rather live by candlelight than fucking deal with this.

Well, this cunt's in the dark over his own name. Yeah, exactly. He can't figure it out. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Joe Quinn Machivoy. Thanks, exactly. He can't figure it out. Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks, Joe Quinn Macheeboy.

Thanks. Inverted commas. Thikinus. Thinukus. Yeah. That's how I pronounce. Thanks. Thinkayal.

Yeah. Thanky. Thanky-oo. That's thank you. Yeah. In my new pronunciation. You fucking idiot. That can be a new let's um

yeah let's work out let's work out how this idiot all these following names let's work out how this idiot would pronounce them in his depraved world alright well let's let's

this look here we go thank you very much to Patreon subscriber this is this is this might be a first on this show

thank you very much to Patreon subscribers Tim and Tara Weebly okay they've done the old you know the old joint the joint facebook email account yeah this is this surely there's yeah no i was gonna say it's not just an email account is it because it's like it's a patreon account this is this is how it's come through on the Patreon account. Which, it's funny to formalise that because, yeah, you assume that like if there's a couple and they subscribe on Patreon, they don't both need to subscribe in order to like, let's say they listen to the show together communally when they're in the car or whatever.

So it's like as long as one of them's getting the bonus episode feed. There's no need. We can assume that most people who get this Are sharing the episode with someone else in their life If they have someone else in their life We don't expect every person in a couple To be subscribing to the show To get the bonus content Look, I think a lot of the heavy lifting on this subscription

Is done by Tim rather than Tara That would be my big guess Yeah, sure, sure But she's still But then what's going on there? She's like, I demand that my name also be on here. Or has he gone, she'll love this. I reckon that – look, they've given a joint email account.

Yuck. So I reckon they've got the joint Patreon account and they're just – she's probably into the Barbie Funhouse podcast that she's subscribing to. And he's getting shouted out on that, going, this is a bit embarrassing. Yes. And then, yeah, she's here on the come drinking hour. Yes.

Yeah, interesting. Just the joint anything account, I just, I will never understand it. There's a lot of things in life that I kind of, I don't get, but I'm willing to learn. And I can see a things in life that I kind of, I don't get, but I'm willing to learn. And I can see a point in my life where I do, you know, you get older and you, you know,

you think differently about things now than you did a decade ago. But the joint email account, the joint Facebook account, I feel confident now saying I'm never going to come around on it. I can't imagine a scenario where I ever changed my stance on it. It does feel a bit like, oh, I mean,

either that, are they running out of email accounts? There's no reason. Is it too much work upholding your own email account? I don't think there is. Because what I always think is there's someone who's been on the show. I don't know if I've talked about this. There's someone who's been on the show a couple of times. I won't say who it is, but they're pretty big.

They're a big figure in comedy. Do you know who I'm talking about? Well, of course, because you've given so many clues. No, it's in Have I Talked To You About This Before. I don't know what you're talking about, so it's hard for me to know. Well, it's someone with a joint account. Right, okay. So it's the person that was going to be doing the 500th episode and it pulled out.

Let's see. Oh, no, I don't know. But I mean, I'm guessing now. episode and it pulled out. Let's see. Oh. No, I don't know. But I mean, I'm guessing now. The person who was going to... The one who pulled out. Who pulled out a few weeks ago. Oh, really? Because they were scared about everything.

Join account. Pardon? Join account. Join account. And so I've emailed them a handful of times over the years to go, hey, would you want to do this? Yeah. And every time I fire it off off i think if you're in

that like so imagining that this person's wife is sitting down at the computer yeah to check the emails yeah and then you've got to like filter and go oh that one's not for me that's clearly for hubby yeah better let him know there's some emails waiting for him in the inbox yeah isn't that more work than just both having your own account yeah i don't get it am i going crazy yeah i i would say in that relationship there's more emails coming to him than her but it's still like it's when you get an email back from him it's like it's both of their names are showing up in the in the from line yeah i just don't get it it's so weird it's not just them but any literally anyone like yeah it's like i don't get it it's so weird it's not just them but any literally anyone like yeah

it's like i don't get it here's one from the head of channel nine and then here's one from my store yeah you know like it's yeah yeah it's a yeah because i always i always do like when i send an email to this person i think this might not get through. Let's say she accidentally opens it. Maybe they have an arrangement. If you can tell that it's not for you, then you just don't open it. But maybe she accidentally clicks it. The name looks like the name of someone she knows or whatever. And then next time he logs in, he's only looking for the ones that are in bold.

He sees that one's already been opened. He's not checking. Slips through the cracks. Yeah. And also I know from my own personal experience, a lot of the emails you sent inexplicably always have the subject header, sex in the city. Yeah.

And so she's probably opening a lot of those. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a little bit that I like to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be a good bit. Every email you ever sent. Sex in the city.

Subject, sex in the city. We should both do that for a month. Yeah. And just see what the results are. Everyone we contact, sex in the city. Everyone from your personal account has to be the subject of the sex in the city. Asking about a gig. Yeah.

Family emails. Yeah. Let me look at the last bunch of emails I've sent out. Yeah, that's a good... Yeah, I'll do the same. What were the... Yeah. Let me look at the last bunch of emails I've sent out. Yeah, that's a good... Yeah, I'll do the same. What were the... Yeah. All right.

A lot of... Let's see. A lot of emails to... Okay, my last few. Officeworks. Yep. Yeah, okay. But that's the automated thing, right?

Yeah. Or is that going to the desk? Both. Okay. Yeah, okay. Well, that's... Yeah. That's a good one.

But you're then turning up and going like, oh, I've sent something through already. It'll be in there. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Well, that's... Yeah. That's a good one. But you're then turning up and going like, oh, I've sent something through already. It'll be in there. It actually might help you in that case because it's like the subject line

will be sex in the city. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll help you filter through because they get heaps of them. Oh, that's easy. Mine would be, okay, booking a guest who we're going to do a pod with

in a few days. Yeah. Sex in the city. Yeah. Checking up on how my comedy festival poster design is going. Yep. Sex and the City. Right.

You, sending you artwork for a poster. Sex and the City. Yeah. Oh, I can't do this one. Yeah, there's a bunch of emails to me working live on the project. I can't be sending sex in the city. Oh, yeah, that's high stakes. That's like during the – the show's on air

and I'm sending in a group email to people going, here's some information you need to keep the show going. Subjects, sex in the city. This would have been a good one. I ordered a print from a gallery and they emailed me to go, oh, we're actually waiting on a reprint of that to come in. It's going to be a couple of weeks. Do you mind waiting or do you want a refund or do you want like an alternate print?

Yeah. And then I just reply to that subject line. Yeah. Sex and the city. Yeah, that's fine. I'm fine to wait. Yeah. All right.

You've got to do five emails this week with sex and the city as the subject and I'll do the same. All right. Here's me emailing our host from the other week when we couldn't get the episode uploaded. Yeah. Subject line, Sex and the City. Okay, yeah.

Yeah, okay, all right. In the next week, five emails that say Sex and the City as the subject header. Okay, yeah. And see what happens. Oh, booking a massage with my girlfriend. Oh. Sex and the City. Absolutely perfect.

That is very Sex and the city. That's perfect. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you get to explain... Sending an invoice. Yeah.

Do you get to explain in the email what this is for or do you just leave it completely blank? I think you've got to leave it blank, right? Okay. Because otherwise what? All your emails are just starting up with a little prologue. Yeah. Hey, this is a little bet that I have going with a friend.

Yeah. Okay. All right. No, it's just, yeah, Sex and the City. Sex and the City is five. All right. Let's do that. We'll report back next week.

Yeah. Look, thanks, Tim and Tara. I'm a little bit, you know, I don't know about this, you know, group membership of Patreon because it's like, I don't know, does it promote out there that some listeners can get together and go, how about we all go fifths in a Patreon subscription? You know, just predicting what people are going to say on the socials during the week.

Yes, you and I do have a joint email account, but that's different. Yes. That's completely different. Yeah. Yeah. Do we? I mean, maybe these two have like a podcast, you know, maybe this is... If it's a business or something, then that's a different thing.

Can you... Because you generally run the email account. Can you set up so that it's... Because it's a littledumbdumbclub at gmail.com, right? Yeah. But when it comes up as like who it's from, does it come up as Little Dumb Dumb Club or does it come up as Tommy and Carl? It comes up as the Little Dumb Dumb Club.

Okay. I believe that I had to put in first and last name. Right. So, it's the little. First name, the little. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Surname, Dumb Dumb Club. Okay.

Dumb Dumb Club, comma, the little. Yes. Right. Right. If we were in school. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Surname Dum Dum Club. Okay. Dum Dum Club, comma, the little. Yes, right, right. If we were in school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, all right. Well, thanks Tim and Tara, I guess.

Thanks. Thanks half of, does this count as one name or two? Yeah. We got a hot riff out of that one. Yeah. That'd be great if we're three down now. If we're three down. Fucking hell, that'd be heaven.

Unfortunately not. I don't believe so. No, because they're not. Yeah, that's unfair to other people that are paying full price. That's it. Thanks, Tim and Tara. I hope you're listening to this. One of you is washing the dishes and the other one's drying.

Cheering earbuds, I hope. Oh, yes. Absolutely. Not fair to be both getting a stereo dose of this. I love the idea that one of them's heard it on the way home and just texts the other one, wait till we get out. Tara. I've got some very exciting news.

Yeah. The day's finally here. Yeah. I'm nearly home. Light the candles. Prime your butthole. Dim the lights. Get the Bluetooth speaker ready.

Yeah. We're going to listen to it. Well, it's going to listen to our shout out while we fuck. Yeah. And Tara's like I'm halfway through the Barbie Funhouse podcast this better be worth

pulling the earbuds out for we got shouted out on there as well which one do we listen to first yeah the one for little kids or the one for little kids yes yeah thanks Tim Tara

thank you very much to Patreon subscriber David Ryan David Ryan yeah now we're back in in uh safer water safer fucking boring water you're in waters like this you're sort of there going a shark honestly would be pretty nice seeing a little fin circling a ripple yeah ripple anything a bit of some kind of danger yeah some sort of um not danger just anything anything that's not just you know oh

gee the water's nearly gone up to the top of my toes great okay fair enough um yeah not much to say david no i mean even i'm sure even david is you know has done has put plugged it in and gone i don't know should i should i change my name to david front bottom I don't know, should I change my name to David Frontbottom? I don't know. This again, it's like, like I keep saying, it's Saturday, it's a beautiful day. My girlfriend's at the beach right now. I had to not go to do this. You know, I could be fucking, I could be in, if I'm going to be in such tepid waters here, I may as well be down at Torquay.

Having a nice little splash around. I've got work to do. I've got a fucking gig to go to. Yeah, it's with sitting here fucking talking about David Ryan. I mean, look, I'm not blaming David. He didn't choose his name unless he's changed his name to that. Yeah, to David Ryan. I'm more blaming his mum for, you know,

hooking up with a bloke with a boring last name and then giving their kid a boring first name. Yeah. So it's not on him, unless maybe his original name was even more boring than this, and he's fruited it up. He's upgraded. Yeah.

Yeah, okay. I don't know. David Smith. Well, yeah, as soon as I said that, I was like, now think of a more boring name than David Ryan, and I'm stumped. It's hard. Yeah. It's definitely hard.

Look, it's good for business. I'm sure if he works in a bank, perfect, great. You want to bank with a guy called David Ryan? But you're not climbing a ladder. You're not sticking out in anyone's... No's going like that david ryan guy well it's like you've been in politics you don't want anything in your um you know in your in your closet you don't want anything there any skeletons in there well yeah you're david ryan of course you don't it's just not helpful in this context no i've heard that about stories multiple times before where i mean i, I had a friend once that, what was it?

He was, we were all like 17, 18 or something. And then it was like another mate was like, well, I'm going to tell everyone you fucked a dog. And he's like, don't. One day I might try to be prime minister. It's like, fucking hell. Wow. Interesting.

So I would say there's plenty of good reasons to say I didn't fuck a dog. But yeah, that's a good one. I'm happy for people to think that. If I had no desires of public office, I'm happy for people to think that I fucked a dog. But yeah. Yeah. It's like, what do you want to do when you grow up? Well, I want to work high up for Coca-Cola.

So you can get away with your history of fucking a dog. You can fuck whatever you want. Is that cool? Yeah, it's fine. It's not like I'm going for a political party or something. And did this person then, from that age... Nowhere near it. Nowhere near it.

Nowhere near it. Not even the start of a career like that. Right. Not even the beginning of that. That's a strange... I believe he works at a bottle shop. Cool. Cool.

So we could have been saying he fucked a dog for quite a long time. Yeah. Bit of a waste. Dan Murphy might find out though. Actually, in fact, I don't think we ever paused

our saying of the fact that he fucked a dog. I think he said that and then we said, great, let's say it more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yeah. To be fair to him.

That is a crazy, it's a crazy mindset I think at any age to go you know what i should be prime minister yeah you know what i should be in charge of a whole country yeah it's it's like i think we've said this before on the show but it's like the minute that you the minute that you have that thought you're insane you're unfit to lead a country because there's something fucking wrong with your brain yeah to think that you alone deserve that power yeah yeah it's a you know i like to think that yeah especially the the mind that mindset that well i'm destined to do that as long

as no one thinks i had my dick up a bum up a dog's, yeah, yeah. That's the one thing that can stop me. I like the idea that this guy got panicked and he just assumed you guys were going to go do that anyway and tell people. And he's like, well, I may as well just fuck the dog then. Yeah. If people are going to think that I fucked a dog one way or the other, why not get my rocks off?

Yeah. Why not actually enjoy it? And then as soon as he did that, he's like, yeah, I don't really want to be Prime Minister anyway I mean Now I've discovered Dog fucking

I mean Or Or yeah No is it Maybe it's the other way around It's like as soon as he decides You know what I've thought about it a bit more

Being Prime Minister Not for me Too much work Too much responsibility Yeah I'm going to work at the bottle shop And I'm going to fuck a dog Yeah

Now that I've let go of that dream. Yeah. I'm free. Yeah. I can fuck as many dogs as I want and not worry about it coming back to me. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I mean, you've got to be, you've got to work seven days a week if you're a

prime minister. I mean, you don't have to do seven days as a, well, I mean, there's an argument to be made lately that maybe people in bottle shops work harder than Prime Minister. Who knows? A bit of political humor there. I think a lot of people would argue that the people who work at a bottle shop have done more for the well-being of people in this country than the current Prime Minister.

Yep. Yeah, yeah. That's very fair. Yeah, maybe he is doing the right thing. Maybe. I just hope we don't lose... I hope I don't lose him his job at the bottle shop by saying he fucks dogs now.

And he has to lower himself to be the Prime Minister. What was the link here? Are we saying David Ryan fucks dogs? What was it? It'd be nice for there to be something interesting about this guy. Yeah. Maybe that is it. Maybe that has to be it interesting about this guy. Yeah. Maybe that is it. Maybe that has to be it.

Sorry, David. Yeah. But you root dogs. I can't remember how we got there. How did we get there? David Ryan. Boring guy. Fuck.

Why did we get there? What a dog of a name. Oh, sorry. I've just realized. It says David Ryan. Again, like one of the previous names. He's got in brackets, I fuck dogs. Oh, right.

Is that how to pronounce David? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? Yeah. Sorry for the mispronunciation, David. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Embarrassing. Sorry about that.

Yeah. Sorry. Thanks, I fuck dogs. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Oliver Charlton. Okay. Sorry. Thanks, iFuckDogs. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Oliver Charlton. Okay. Wow. Yeah. There we go.

There's a step up in interest levels. I like this a lot. A lot dandier, I would say, at the very least. Oliver Charlton. Yeah. That's a... What is that name? What is it?

Makes it... He's like the... Does he run a tandem bike shop? I don't know. I'm picturing him, he's always in a bow tie. Even in bed. In the shower. Bow tie permanently on.

He's got, even for when he's naked, he's got like one of the little Chippendales bow ties. Yeah. That he can wear in bed when he's asleep. Is he... He's definitely... Something he owns or resides in definitely ends with the sort of the suffix-atorium. Okay. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. He's definitely fancier than David Ryan. That's for sure. I could picture him working at one of those like... He fucks his dog in the dog fuckatorium. Well, he makes love to his dog. Right.

He makes whoopie. He makes whoopie with his dog, yeah. Yeah. I picture him as like one of those guys at like a pretty fancy bar. He's one of those like... One of those cocktail bars where it's like there's no real menu. Oh, yeah. You know, he's the guy that comes up, bow tie, a bit of brew cream yeah yeah yeah and it's like you know no

menu you just tell me what what's the spirit that you like what kinds of things do you generally like and then he's like goes away like the everly in melbourne if you've ever been there they'll they'll just do that they'll just be like i know just the thing and they'll go and conjure up something he's that kind of guy i think yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like that? It is pretty cool. Yeah. Something a bit different. You go in, you're like, I don't know, kind of like, you know, feel like a nice whiskey

would be good. And then they'll be like, oh, what about maybe these couple of flavors in it as well? And you go, yeah, okay, cool. Would you do that with, would you like that at McDonald's? Would you go in there and not order and just have the hamburger come up to you and say, are you feeling meaty? Are you feeling a bit – Well, a hamburger trying that on with me, I'd be like,

there's an ulterior motive here. Okay. I'd be like, this guy – Bad idea. He's all of a sudden – he's working for the enemy. Right. But, yeah, going up and just being like, yeah, no menu. What do you feel like

that'd go like chicken I'm pretty hungry so not wanting a little fucking you know give me something in a kind of a Big Mac configuration

bit of extra bread in the middle really give me a lot of toppings you're giving them a lot of detail I just thought you'd walk in and go

give me something chickeny okay yeah yeah maybe maybe we can try that on this week as well and see how that goes that can be alongside a lot of detail. I just thought you'd walk in and go, give me something chickeny. Okay, yeah. Yeah. Maybe we can try that on this week as well and see how that goes. That can be alongside the sex in the city challenge. Man, I put that out on an Instagram thing the other day. When I was putting out a bit of news,

I put it on the end. I said, I was in McDonald's and I was behind someone who literally walked in and went, I want a chicken meal with a soft drink. Fuck. The amount of detail missing from there. Yeah. What was their response?

I don't remember. Because I was like, what the fuck just happened? Am I hearing this right? And then it was a bit busy and I was like, I just didn't quite get the... And also the guy had quite crazy vibes. So I was a bit like, there's a lot going on. Well, chicken meal, I would assume he just means the standard McChicken. The McChicken meal, the burger.

Yeah. But he's gone. It's like when you go to like a like a boost or whatever where they've got the fucked names for all the things yeah and you go in and try

and you're like I'm not playing this game I'm not calling it a bloody monkey magic or whatever yeah yeah yeah can I just get the one what's that second one down there

the one with the berries in it I'll have that the blue one yeah so he's trying to do that he's like oh it's the McChicken no

I'm not playing your little fucking game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This Mac thing will never take off. It's a fad. At the very least, a soft drink. A soft drink is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's pretty good.

Yeah. But he's like, hey, maybe it's just he's the last Mac as he went to. They just gave him an orange juice as the default. Right. And he's like, what the fuck's this? And he's like, he truly doesn't care. As long as it's fizzy, he's happy. He's, yeah, he's like that thing with the cocktail.

He's like, just fizz. Surprise me. As long as I can see the little jet going, that's good enough for me. Just need a bit of carbonation. That's all I want. Syrup and soda. And I'm golden. Soda.

Yeah. Maybe that's it. Or maybe, I'd love to think that Oliver Charlton is like a, now that we talk about that, that he's like some 19 year old subscriber and he does work at the drive-thru

and there's just cars banked up around the block thanks to him going, what do you feel like? What do you fancy? Are you beefy today? Or a bit, do you feel like biscuits? Yeah. Anything about biscuits today? Do you feel like you are you do you feel like biscuits yeah anything about biscuits today do you feel like dipping something or do you like bread yeah um yeah straw do you feel like

how do you feel like drinking out of a big receptacle or just sort of i don't know in some way sucking it up through a tube hot or cold yeah hmm yeah i Yeah, I like it. Yeah. I like Oliver Charlton. Yeah. Good on him. Yeah, good for him. Thanks, Oliver. Thanks, Oliver. Thank you very much.

Let's just do one more. Look, we've been talking about this all day. It's a nice day. Yep. I've got shit to do. I've had people pull out of my gig last minute at Basement Comedy. I've got to go and sort that out. You've got, I don't know whether you're going to go to the beach or not.

I don't know what you're going to do. Well, or not. I don't know what you're going to do. Well, I can't. My girlfriend has my car. Oh. Harley Brainstorm. Yep. I don't know. What are you going to do then?

I'm going to work on my show for a little bit, then cook some dinner. Yeah. I'm going to try and go and have a little early Thai dinner, I reckon. Oh, yeah. All right. Let's just do one more and let's skedaddle. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber. Oh, okay. Okay, well, we had a world first before.

We're having a world second. Does that count? Okay. Thank you very much to Patience Subscriber. Comedy and comedy. Oh, a joint account. Yeah. Right, right.

And joint account, but both people are called Comedy. Right. Yeah. Yeah, cool. Yeah, isn't that good? Good for them. Yeah. All right.

Bye.