The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 594 - Dave Thornton & Troy Kinne

Episode Date: February 16, 2022

He's done it again! Karl's beaming in from Phuket and he's brought along perhaps the only person on Earth who's more obsessed with Thailand: TROY KINNE! Meanwhile, Tommy's back in Melbourne, dreading his week in the edit suite but basking in the glow of DAVE THORNTON. We hear all about the trip over to Thailand, including how Karl passed the time on his flight and his imprisonment while awaiting his COVID test result. Plus, Kinne's had an awkward run-in at the gym, Karl's been busted content-ing on the street, and some British lads have been hitting the massage parlours together. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on the Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Dave Thornton and Troy Keeney. We have some live shows coming up very, very soon after this episode airs. We are going to be in Adelaide, February the 26th at the Rhino Room. Tickets are moving. We've got some great guests lined up, so book in now. That is in the afternoon, 3.30, so if you've got stuff, if there is anything to do at night in Adelaide, you don't have to worry about doubling up. It's during the afternoon. Surely there's nothing to do in the fucking afternoon in Adelaide.

Surely. I assume everyone goes to bed at 6 p.m. So you can be back home in time for that. Yeah, perfect. This is a little lullaby. Lullaby podcast for you. Yep. Then we've got, no, we don't have Perth.

Let's do. Let's stop kidding ourselves. Yeah, let's figure that out at some stage. But, of course, the next proper big one is the 500th slash 600th episode, Tommy. That's live in Melbourne on the 2nd of April. That is starting, I believe, 2 p.m. And that's two mega big episodes, two big anniversary episodes. There is a little handful of tickets left for that.

That is, of course, doubled up into a 500th and 600th episode. So more bang for your buck right there. It is absolutely not to be missed, that one. And then we have the month of April we're doing shows Saturday afternoons at the European Beer Cafe. We do these every year just randomly. We feel like just doing this. So we just have a good – I don't know. Mentally, we're feeling pretty good that time of year.

There's just something in the air. The seasons are changing. I like to think of it as a little festival of comedy that we're sort of like – we're booking ourselves. Well, we tailor it around Daylight Savings ending and also Easter. We like to kind of – we like to kind of um you know we like to sort of something about those two things that makes comedy just kind of pop a little bit the rebirth of jesus the rebirth of comedy in a way for melbourne people come in they've had their chocolate bunny they're on a sugar high you just feel like the

shows go a bit better so that's why we kind of tether ourselves to that time of the year yeah and that is of course uh every saturday afternoon at 4.30 during April. That is the 9th of April, the 16th of April, the 23rd of April. It's a thing that usually they sell out pretty quickly. This year, you know, people are hedging their bets a little bit, so not flying off the shelves quite yet, but let's make a bit of a push for that in the next couple of weeks. And they're always, I think, the best shows of the year. So get in there, fly into Melbourne. If you're in Melbourne, walk down to Melbourne, get those tickets.

Always big guests that also just happen to be there for our little, let's call it comedy. Well, they come into town for Easter. Festival of comedy. You get that long weekend. Oh, yeah. A lot of cities around Melbourne don't have Easter. So, yeah, you have to come into Melbourne for that. And they come down and celebrate Daylight Savings Ending as well, because in Melbourne, that's where it really starts to go off.

Well, with restrictions, I believe the Easter Bunny can't go state to state at the moment. Yes, yes. He can't get to Perth. He's been hiding out in Melbourne for quite a while. So that's where he'll be in April. So, you know, look under your chair at the podcast, and there might be an egg there, or there might be a shit. littledumbdumbclub dum club.com also my

solo show turtle island is on in adelaide right after we do that live podcast and in melbourne march 30 till april 10 again the link is at

little dum dum club.com for tickets get all that stuff we'll talk to you more at the end of the episode in talking dum dum but until

then enjoy this new one with dave thornton and troy kinney with Dave Thornton and Troy Kinney. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dasolo, and next to me on the couch, as always,

my co-host for the entire hour, you know him, you love him, it's the hottest man in showbiz, Dave Thornton. Tommy, great to be here. G'day, dickheads. Did I do it right? Did I do it right? And we've got a special sex tourist edition of our podcast. Come on. Please welcome onto the program, Carl Chandler and Troy Kinney.

Oh, yes. Well, you guys are very late for the Phuket International Podcast Festival. When are you guys getting here? What's going on? Yes, I did make it, Tommy. I made it. I'm here. Despite everything we talked about last episode, I somehow did make it.

And look, a lot of people call me the King of Thailand on this podcast. I am sitting next to the true i'm i've got a mid prince next to the true king of thailand yeah this i'm here for a week this guy's here for i don't know two months or something like this this is this is what i this is what i aspire to right here you guys you really do look like um insane middle-aged men who are over in another country because the way that you're recording this is you're both recording voice memos on on your phones like you're holding the phones up to your mouth and talking into the microphones i hope you've done a test because i was like you know what we could use the backup recording from the zoom call if the voice memos don't work but the zoom call is frequently so out of sync that I've just realised there's going to be no chance of that happening.

So, yeah, look, good luck to us all with this one, I think. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully it fucks up from our end. So you were in the edit suite for about ten hours, you little cunt. So, yeah. If you want to know how much time Chandler's spending in this room working on this, I just realised my leg's been touching this white fucking towel the whole time.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Yeah. Stiff as a board. Off-white. Yeah. Kenny just hit it on the table and it just shattered into a million pieces. It's fully crystallised already after 24 hours.

Yeah. Yeah. Great. Great. No, I've never been, you know, after like two. Yeah, yeah, great. No, I've never been, you know, after like two years of lockdown and, you know, the way we've been recording, I've never been happier to do a podcast over Zoom. If we can do it over Zoom from now on for the next two years, as long as I get to do them from here, I'm absolutely fucking fine with it.

They're making out as if they're working harder than us right now. I mean, Wes, I'm missing my coconut massage beer combo before 11am for this. This is fucking, this is work at our end too, you know. We've actually, actually, we've both, you've just come in from a work absolutely sluggish Yeah, I did a fitness class. Not all holidays, guys. Yeah. Come on.

Yeah. Oh, hello. Yeah, you've come up and had, you and had your two kombuchas for the day. We're doing proper work over here, mate. All right? Kombuchas. I mean, by the sounds of things, you sweated and lost as much weight, Carl, so that's good to know.

Yeah, not a big mention of my workout so far this morning. That's a good little lead-in to the thing I wanted to talk about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. workout so far this morning it's um yeah that's a good little lead-in to the thing i wanted to talk about so i did i literally just came uh from a um a fitness class so to get to the podcast on time because apparently young thornton has other things planned today so we had to schedule it about half an hour earlier yeah yeah take a break from our holiday we spent thousands of dollars on but yeah no worries thorna so i did just finish the diva of podcasting sorry guys i did just finish doing a fitness class and you're supposed to stay and do the stretching part afterwards and i snuck out so i could get here on time i was working out next to a girl i sort of i do like a little bit and I think, think she likes me a little bit. But as we left, something happened that's made me sort of rethink

if she likes me as much as I like her. So what I'm going to do is I have to sort of send her a message to address what happened, but I'll send that voice message right now so you guys can listen in on it and then we'll judge whether she's still in the possibility of closure as they say in the game as they say in thailand yeah all right um here we go here's my message to her hey georgina it's troy great class i I just thought I'd let you know that after each class, because we put our hands on dumbbells and things like that, I go straight to the bathroom and wash my hands thoroughly. Went to egg goodbye and a large bit of what you thought was sweat went into your mouth.

That was actually water, just so that you know, because you sort of reacted like I had just injected you with the AIDS virus. So hopefully that doesn't come between whatever's building between us. Okay, and is the thinking that sending this as a voice memo is less psychotic than having, like, typed it out and sent it? Because it's a million times worse in audio. And our reek of desperation and AIDS, which is a problem. Yeah, yeah. Right, right.

Just being like, yeah, you can't really get tone through a text. It's like sometimes that's good. Sometimes it's good to not get the tone. It's amazing for you guys where we were joking that you two are sex tourists, but I think you two, well, especially you now, Troy, are the first in history sexual harassment tourists. Also, if you're trying to close the deal, I reckon sending a voice message that insinuates you've just got AIDS

is a good move as well. Yeah, you reacted like I'd injected you with the AIDS virus, which I do have, let's be clear. I'm chopping that voice memo out of the pot. I don't want this to be used in a future court case. I don't want it to be a second form of evidence that gets dragged in. I just like how retro it is. You know, COVID gets all the headlines now,

but he's thrown in a bit of age where you're like, oh, nostalgia. Right. That's nice. Yeah, right, right. It's like our own little 80s party we're throwing over here. Age is the less dangerous one now. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Age is like a questionable mole on your shoulder now. It's like, yeah, worry about it. Yeah, age is like a trivial pursuit answer. That's all that is now. We don't have to worry about that. It's like, yeah, worry about it. Yeah, AIDS is like a trivial pursuit answer. That's all that is. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's under a bottle cap on a beer for sure. That's so true.

Just to hit it home, Kenny, after that, send a picture of Magic Johnson with his thumbs up. Just to really make sure. This is not me. This is not me. But I'm just telling you it's fine if it is. Like, don't worry about it. Yeah.

What's it like over there in Phuket with the COVID protocols? Are you guys checking in everywhere using the QR codes on the Thai Safe service app? Man. Are you watching the King of Thailand do his press conference every day? Is he rattling off numbers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. From midnight

to night, there are only five reasons to leave the house. Caregiving, essential services, getting jacked off for three dollars. Smashing buckets at a half moon party. Injecting someone with the AIDS virus. Those are the only five reasons to leave the house

spitting into a person's mouth at a gym yeah um man honestly so this this is what i this is what i learned when i when i got here troy was like i just just something you should know is that when you go out on your scooter they've got like you have to wear a mask when you're on a motorbike like i don't know what is the rule like when you're walking around in public i don't think you have to have one but yeah but when you're on a scooter you actually have to have a mask at like insane like i don't know why it makes no sense yeah i don't know how many people have caught covid while they're popping a mono over here but there's something must have happened are they thinking it's it's like, you know, you're driving around,

you're getting bugs in your face? It's like, well, the bugs might have COVID. That's how you can catch a mosquito up the nose or something. I don't know. I mean, it's weird. So you told me that. Now, yesterday, I rode around all day yesterday and I'm like, okay, I've got to remember to do it.

But it's pretty easy to let it slip when you're, you know, going down a highway at 70 clicks or something like that. So I saw a, like a cop. It's going easy to let it slip when you're going down a highway at 70 clicks or something like that. So I saw a – It's going to flood yourself. Yeah. At no stage did I do that, by the way, at no stage. Do I still need a mask on if I have training wheels attached to the scooter? Well, yeah, so the opposite of that.

So what happened was there was a police-like little stop bit. I was coming towards it and I started getting paranoid. So I'm like, oh, fuck, they're going to pull me over. And so I start going really slowly. Like I was already going slowly. So I'm going really slowly as I get up to this place. So they can really see you on the scooter. So there's no mistake.

Like you're creeping past them to be like i am on a moped do you understand man it was so dumb in hindsight because as i'm going super slow because i'm going well i'm not going to go over the speed limit so i'm going to go really slowly and i'm just going to keep it really safe but what i forgot was i was getting paranoid about the speed but i didn't have my mask on as i'm going to the like the the police checkout bit and so literally the guy like i was going so slowly the guy just grabbed me while i was on the bike that's how slow i was going and so he grabs me and he's like and i'm like oh what and he goes mask you don't have your mask on i'm like oh oh fuck i'm really sorry i'm really sorry so i pull the mask up and he's like yeah

yeah okay you can go you can go so so then I keep going. I'm like, oh, okay, great. Now, again, really stupid thing that I did next. 50 meters on, I see this really, really bad abandoned looking hotel. And I'm like, oh, this could be funny. You know me, Tommy. ABC, always be contenting. So I pull over and I start doing a video. open i start doing a video and i and i record this video where uh i'm in front of the you know the the terrible like the most dilapidated abandoned building of all time is behind me and i do it as

a bit of a reveal i'm like i'm here in phuket we're gonna move the you know the kosomo international podcast vessel here uh we're not going to use the ozo anymore it's you know it's not going to be as expensive i found the perfect hotel do the reveal it's this insane horrible worst hotel of all time i'm like i'm saying the good news is it's only 20 bucks per night guys it's payable in cash to me um just the only thing is uh uh with that discount all you have to do for me personally is if the police see you going in and out of it just say to them i was just looking i'm on my way way, officer. I don't know what you're talking about. And then just run. Okay?

So I'm recording that video. As I finish recording the video, again, I feel a hand on my shoulder. The policeman had walked 50 metres up the road to me and just grabbed me again and gone, what are you? He's overheard you and gone, this looks like great content. Again, i get to see it happen live before it goes up on the instagram yeah it's like big dum-dum fan so uh so he grabs me and i'm like oh shit and he's like what are you doing and i'm like uh uh i'm just doing a video and he's like what do you what do you what are you doing this for and i'm like uh and then i have have to say in Thailand to a police officer,

I have a podcast. And he doesn't understand what that is at all. And so then he's like, why are you doing this? What do you mean in Thailand? Yes, anywhere. I've got a podcast. Imagine trying to get out of something legally by saying you have a podcast

Fucking hell Sorry it's a true crime podcast That's why the prostitute's dead Sorry Did I not explain that Yeah It was a bit slow going this week No new cases to report on

So I made my own ABC mate ABC Always be killing. Oh, no, wait, that's K. Oh, no, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So then he grabs me. Yeah, yeah, so I'm trying to explain that to him.

And then he goes, play me the video. And then I'm like, okay. And then I realise my video is me saying, hey, everyone, come and stay in this hotel and ignore the police if they're coming along. Ignore the police and just say, I'm charging money to go in this hotel and all this sort of stuff. And I'm like, fuck. So I'm playing it to him and he's watching it.

But the good thing is the build-up is so slow to it and I'm still figuring out what I'm saying. 20 seconds and he's just watching me. I'm going to quickly scan to a different video. Oh, no, that's me jerking off. Yeah, I can't get arrested for that, no, that's me jerking off. Yeah, I can't get arrested for that. Yeah, let's play that bit.

That's the best option. This is a busy day for the Thai police force. After like two years of no tourists, all of a sudden it's like, this guy's run off his feet with cases to crack. The maskless bandit and then the fucking, it sounds like you're trying to encourage a revolution. It's like and then the fucking the, you're trying to, it sounds like you're trying to encourage a revolution. It's like, lie to the police, man. Come over here and tell them to get fucked.

I've got another guy in a health retreat who's spitting AIDS into people's mouths and now I've got this. Oh, God. Give me a break. They've put his wanted picture up but the dumb fuck wasn't wearing his mask and that either. Yeah. Oh, also, but the dumb fuck wasn't wearing his mask in that either. Yeah. Also, by the way, as this is all happening, again,

I'm not wearing my mask as I'm doing this. Yeah, yeah, great. Fuck. I like that multiple times this guy's come up to you and told you off for not being COVID safe, but then he's like slapping you on the shoulder and stuff, being like, get it together, bro. Come on, let's hug it out.

You don't want to get the virus. So, you know, shout out to, you know, it's a good bit of content to look forward to on the gram later on because as he's watching this, he gets so bored that he goes, yeah, that's fine, just go. That's fine. Yeah, great. And I get out of it.

Sorry, he doesn't see the bit where I'm saying, hey, don't worry about the police, blah, blah, blah. So then he goes, yeah, you can just go. And I'm like, oh, thank you. And I'm being so gracious and I'm thinking, oh, fuck, I'm trying to be so polite and I'm saying hey don't worry about the police blah blah blah so then he goes yeah you can just go and I'm like oh thank you thank you and I'm being so gracious and I'm thinking oh fuck I'm trying to be so polite I'm bowing and I'm like fuck do they even do that here I'm not sure if they do and then I'm trying to like speak speak their language and stuff I'm trying to think of all the Thai words I know but of course I only know like two words so I'm like going oh sour

so like five minutes in I'm saying hello to him for some reason yeah yeah yeah yeah he's like i guess you can't a thousand pad ties my friend a thousand pad ties a good muscleman yeah and then and then because i still don't have a mask on then the then the thing that he does is just goes oh and then just explains to me for five minutes he goes look you have to wear your mask because it actually prevents the risk of covid i'm like yeah i get it and then he's and then he explains the whole respiratory system to me as i'm sitting on the side of a highway yeah your comedy video is too boring but a bit of anatomy is really going to spice up this conversation yeah yeah yeah and i start trying to explain to him, I'm from Melbourne, we've done it really hard.

I understand the whole masking up and that. Again, as we're in the background of a hotel that's clearly been abandoned for two years because there's no government assistance or anything and they just completely leave businesses, get burnt out and stuff like that. I'm like, yeah, mate, I get it. Yeah, you're there saying to the cop like,

yeah, two weeks ago I was yelling at a woman on the tram for not wearing her mask. So I get it. Yeah'm like, yeah, mate, I get it. Yeah, you're there saying to the cop, like, yeah, two weeks ago, I was yelling at a woman on the tram for not wearing her mask. So I get it. Like, you know, some people just, it doesn't get through their fucking skull that they need to take this thing seriously. I love the, I love you getting off the hook of a crime because the guy in charge is just uninterested in the evidence that's presented. Like him just tapping out of the video.

And like, imagine a court case where it's like they're playing security camera footage of the person robbing the bank and the jury just going, we're bored. We've decided already. Let him off. We can't be fucked sitting through this. Yeah.

When do they kill some cunt? Case dismissed. Can I have the remote? But I was like, man, this is so great that, like, I was shitting myself thinking, I can't believe that this is what I'm going to get a police record for in Thailand. This is the thing they're finally going to get me for. Like, you know, it's like Al Capone getting done on, you know, tax evasion or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, yeah, so talk us through. We set up last week the incredible journey that you were going on and the administrative hoops that you have to jump through at the moment to get yourself over to Thailand. I mean, people obviously know by now that you're there, but talk us through the actual trip. Was it all smooth sailing, actually getting on the plane and everything? Yeah, well, yeah, getting on the plane and everything.

When I was talking about last week, I was waiting for the Thailand pass and I was waiting for the PCR negative test and the negative test eventually came through but it was sort of like the Thailand pass. I love the way that Thailand operates in comparison to Australia where I don't think I explained it last week but the Thailand pass, I only got it because I actually had to ring Bangkok and harass

them and go, I've done this application. And they're like, oh, yeah. It would have just sat there. It was giving me back results. When you log in, it just said basically there is no application. You're supposed to apply and then you can up you know you can check your updates and your update's supposed to say oh it's not done yet or it's halfway there or it's nearly there or whatever it just it just says there is no application until

you're successful so just completely so there's no need to check up in any way it's so it's so stupid so then when i ring when i rang they just go, oh, yeah, fine, you can come. But you have to actually ring. They're not going to let you in unless you bothered harassing them. That's how they weed out the real ones, the people who really wanted enough to bother picking up the phone and make that call. If that's me, I'm never making it over to Thailand. I'd rather fucking die than be on the phone for two minutes out of the day.

Mate, you just do what Kitty does and you just record some voicemails and send it through. Thailand. I'd rather fucking die than be on the phone for two minutes out of the day. Yeah, yeah. You just do what Kitty does and you just record a voicemail and just send it to her. Hey, Thailand, I'm coming here. I don't have AIDS. I'd just send them a selfie of me at the departure side. On my way.

That all went fine But like at the last minute I'm like okay I mean It never seemed like It was actually going to happen And last minute I'm like oh wow

This is actually happening So once I'm at the airport Look The devastating thing was Hungry Jack's wasn't open I'll be honest I was like this is This is

Fuck Yeah I might as well Turn around and go home Is it worth it Yeah Yeah international There was nothing in the international... Yeah, where's that on the website?

Yeah. Keep that fucking quiet. It's a government conspiracy, man. Yeah, now I'm marching with the protesters. We should put Dan Andrews in the gallows for allowing the Hungry Jacks at the Melbourne airport international terminal

to not be open. Or anti-jacksers. The government are telling a few whoppers but there's no whoppers at the airport. That's the truth. You are the spokesperson

my friend. Man, the Zoom delay killed us on that one. That was a good two seconds after Thornton said anti-Jaxes. I was like, what do these cunts want? Yeah, Jesus Christ. This is dirty. So, yeah, so then there's no Hungry Jax.

I'm on a Jetstar flight. You know, I refuse to pay for the extra in-flight entertainment. Instead, I'm... Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. So then I get on the... Just scrolling through your own content, mate. not doing it. I'm not doing it. So then I get on there. Just scrolling through your own content, mate.

Yeah. That's why you're banking it. It's not for this. It's for flights. Oh, he's done it again. That is a shit hotel. Chando. Imagine sitting behind someone on a flight for like eight hours

and all they're doing is just watching videos of themselves. That's a sick move. Headphones in, just laughing like, oh my God, I've done it again. I've done it again. Well,

by the sounds of things, you just downloaded Google images of Hungry Jacks and then just scrolled through them. All I brought on the flight is I brought a book that I bought the last second

about the Rolling Stones. I've been into the Rolling Stones like for the last, I don't know, five scroll through them. All I brought on the flight is I brought a book that I bought the last second about the Rolling Stones. I've been into the Rolling Stones for the last, I don't know, five years or something. So I thought, oh, I'll just get that. I'll read that on the plane. And then when I got on the plane. Early adaption. Good stuff.

Yeah. Yeah. Guys, give them a listen. All right, they're not going anywhere. Time to invest. Jesus. Rolling Stoners? Is that how you say this?

Oh, after the magazine. That's cool. Jesus. Rolling Stoners? Is that how you say this? Oh, after the magazine. That's cool. Yeah, I get it. I'll put up a link on Facebook, guys. Get into it. What are you watching these days? The Sopranos? Yeah.

Mate, by the sounds of things, he's watching MASH. Yeah, yeah. I was binging The Sullivans over lockdown, actually. Kingswood Country. Imagine dinosaurs and stuff, but they're doing your laundry and they're taking you to work. Oh, okay. That's this thing you've been watching lately.

It's crazy. It's crazy, man. It's like drawings. I think it was done before live vision, but anyway. Yeah, so that's all I've got on the flight with me for eight hours. I've got this book about the Rolling Stones, and I think it's going to be a good one. It turns out all it is is like the best writing about the Rolling Stones.

It's like the best journalism about the Rolling Stones. I'm like, oh, okay, well, that's fine. And I start reading it, and it's like it was a really cheap book. And then I start reading it, and it's like, it was a really cheap book. And then I start reading it. And it is nearly universally bad reviews of The Rolling Stones. So then I'm just reading people shit-caying this band I kind of like for the next eight hours. And I really, like, a lot of people talk about, you know,

they did it hard during lockdown. This was my doing it hard during lockdown. Eight hours on a plane with one book that I didn't like. I will not pay for the in-flight entertainment, but I will buy a book that I have barely any interest in that's badly written. And I will commit to that out of spite for the entire eight hours. That I don't agree with.

The whole time I'm going, well, this is fucked. That was a good album. Mate, it's almost like you reverse engineered that Beatles documentary. It's just like, we're not going to show you the Beatles, but we are going to show them their main competitors and shit on them real hard.

You're going to come over to this team for sure. But you guys are forgetting he saved $12 by not getting Hungry Jacks. Oh, yes. Yes, I will be getting the room upgrade. Thank you very much. I'm feeling pretty flush at the moment. Wait, how much was the Inflite Entertainment? How much did you refuse

to drop on? I didn't even tempt myself. I think it's probably about the price of a book. It's about the price of a bad Rolling Stones book, I reckon. Honestly, it's probably cheaper. It's almost definitely cheaper than a book you've bought

at the airport. Didn't buy the book, didn bought at the airport. Yeah. Didn't buy the book. Didn't buy the airport. Bought it at one of those book clearance houses. Promise you'll get the entertainment on the way back. Oh, in the city on the way to the airport. I hope you get the in-flight entertainment on the way back. And it's a feature documentary.

The Rolling Stones, the reviews you didn't see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bad concerts at the Rolling Stones. I'm like, oh, I get it now. Yeah, these guys suck. Yeah, that book the Rolling Stones. I'm like, oh, I get it now. Yeah, these guys suck. Yeah, that book was right. Oh, it's come full circle. So I got here and it was all, man, it's all pretty quick when you get into the airport, I think.

Yeah. They've got it really well organised. Yeah, they've got their shit together. Yeah. So went through. Because they know us getting in is their survival. Yeah. There's no other way for them to make money.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The quicker we can get in the video. What a tenuous position to be in. Yeah. Guys, Chandler and Kitty, once they turn up, it'll be the golden nose. Yeah. But it is like that.

It's like it's 1980 again here, you know, after COVID. It's like, oh, the shoe's back on the other foot, is it? No, I won't be paying $4 for that pad tie. Yeah. Put it down to the price it used to be yeah yeah yeah yeah no yeah no i'm not gonna pay ten dollars for that rolling stones book i'll pay eight dollars now so um so we i got in it's late at night and you told me uh uh that you i think the last time you got in you did the test and it's pretty well timed because you get in really late at night yeah and then they do the test and then they um they i think they knocked on your door in the

morning of the hotel because they send the tests results through to your approved hotel yeah you get them you basically sleep it off and you get up and it's like nothing's ever happened in the morning you've got your negative test result yeah it takes six hours but you've slept through that anyway yeah so it's perfect timing so i did that i'm like great they uh well for starters they took me to the wrong hotel which was a sort of a bad start so then uh good content though yeah how's this like they're they're already making money like they took me to the wrong hotel and i'm like well this is not the right hotel that you were told it's on this form or anything and they go i have to go to that hotel, it's going to cost you

I'm like, what the fuck, how does this cost me more because you went the wrong way and these are some of the hotels that you mandated that you have to be in while you're waiting for that test result but what I love is that it costs you

it's going to cost you to go to the other hotel it's like, well, they got me. I can't get out and walk. I'm currently quarantined inside this bus. Like I can't do anything else. And also, they don't know who they're playing with, don't they? Like it's going to cost you to go to the next hotel. Whoa, I've saved money on buying the shittest book in the world

so I didn't watch a movie in the sky. I'm not doing this. They take me to this wrong hotel it's like miles away and like would you like to pay for the in-bus entertainment i'm like no i'm not fucking doing that yeah yeah so i'm not paying the fare i'll just swap you this book instead take it i'll call it even so i'm uh so i get to the right hotel i i get in there it all checks in and so then i'm thinking of what you're saying i i go straight to bed and i get up really early and i think maybe i'm up a bit too early i'm up at like five in the morning i'm

still on melbourne time and i'm thinking all right have i got the result yet no okay so i'm sitting in there it gets to you know i'm getting a little bit antsy it gets to six seven eight nine nine thirty and i'm like right now i've been up for four and a half hours in my hotel room, and I'm thinking, what's the delay here? Like, what's going on here? And I'm thinking, fuck, what if I've got it? What if this is my next whole week, like, sitting in this room? And then I'm starting to think, you know what? Maybe, and I can't remember the rule.

I remember at one stage you could, there was a deal where you could leave your room and, you you know but just stay in the resort and i'm looking up on the online and i can't figure it out whether that's the thing or not i'm like fuck i'm going a bit crazy sitting in my room maybe if i just go out and just use the gym or i can jump in the pool or something there's no one outside like it's nearly an abandoned hotel i'm like fuck so i go to open the front door and it's like properly locked shut. Oh, yes. Oh, wow. They've locked me in like from the outside.

Oh, my God. Fucking hell. Fuck. I'm like, oh. And so, you know, already I'm obviously going a bit stir crazy. And now that I know they've locked me in from the outside, I'm like, fucking hell. So then I'm like, I'm going, what the fuck do I do next? So I'm sitting in there and so half an hour later

I'm like, right, that's it. You shouldn't have finished the book on the plane. Yeah. Also you saved a chapter of bad writing. Yeah, yeah. And I go to the TV and it's like all Thai TV except for like some of the sports channel which have been blocked. I'm like, well, fuck it, I'm not

paying for that. If they're trying to make me pay for that, fuck them. Yes, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. Of course. I'll just read this fire safety notice on the back of your front door again and again and again to pass the time. Yeah. Hey, we got your test results back. COVID clear, but Tide

ass, very positive. Very positive. Hey, that's a. At least that's a negative. That's a negative review. That's something. So I ring the reception and I'm like, oh man, look, have you got the results

yet? I'm losing a bit in here. Am I going to get the results anytime soon? And they go, 9am. I'm going crazy. Yeah, goddammit. You don't know what I've been through. Most people in the resort aren't awake yet.

I'm fucking going insane. I'm so well rested. This is killing me. He's starting to write his own book like Anne Frank. Yeah. Anyway, just good to be on holiday. But anyway. Yeah, yeah.

So I'm like, have you got the results yet? And they go, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're all fine. Hang on, don't give me the yeah, yeah, yeah, you're all fine. Like, you didn't knock on my door. There was no results slipped under my thing or anything. And they're like, yeah, yeah, you would have got the text message by now i'm like oh i swapped sim cards at the airport i'm not on that there it is there we go yeah and i'm like okay well at the least can you come and unlock my room for me and let me out they're like we didn't lock your room i'm like

yeah the front door's locked from the outside they're like that's absolutely not true and i go to the door and somehow i like i i don't know why the night before i bolted my door shut but i fucked the bolt on it and so now i can't open my and i've just locked myself in my own room right and and then i'm like let me out i'm going crazy it's like yeah you certainly fucking seem like you're going crazy because you've locked yourself in. And then blamed it on someone else. And, like, honestly, at that stage, I then go, oh, yeah, I've got the other door that's absolutely unlocked that, like, leads to the pool that's not locked in anyway.

Oh, yeah, I could jump off the balcony. Yeah. Problem solved. I was looking at that halfway through this story going, did he not see you could just fucking... No, I didn't. I genuinely didn't think of the other door. It's barely a step to get out of this room.

So that was the start of my holiday. So it can only get more relaxing from there. Like, were you man off jackass, could Frosby flop that fence? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I saw the film In cinemas the other day It's the new Jackass film

I'd love to watch it again Can one of you guys pick it up on DVD for me while you're there I'm keen for a re-watch I don't want to pay to go to the cinema again I would love that How bad is that I'm really nostalgic about the 20 cent DVDs Especially of the movies that don't exist, like Titanic 2.

Yeah. You can get Titanic 2. I don't know what the fuck it's about, but you can get it. Mind you, Kenny, could you pick it up? Because we know with Chan that they'll say 25 cents in easy. Not on your life! There's no way I'm doing this. I'll just stare at the ground for two hours instead

That's free Yeah, take that idiot So you get released Especially if it's in a DVD Shelby will buy it And you won't be able to get out of the fucking room Yeah, yeah I'm being held prisoner in Blockbuster

Help I'm a political prisoner I need the embassy to come and get me So you We'll send you a text message Oh no I'm in the death trap again So you get the all clear

And you free yourself from your own man-made prison I'm just going to read a book about the bad reviews of Titanic 2 That's all I'm going to do So what's the first thing you do Once you're free from your own self-imposed prison What was the first thing you did back on home soil? Well, man, it is so... This is like talking to Chappelle. This is amazing.

Man, do you want to save it so you can make some money off this? Or are you going to sell it to 60 Minutes? No, you guys on the Little Dum Dum Club have got the exclusive back home. I wanted to talk to you guys. Classic Tommy and Dave. We need to watermark this for when they play it on the Little Dum Dum Club have got the exclusive back home. I wanted to talk to you guys. Classic Tommy and Dave. We need to watermark this for when they play it on the Channel 9 News.

Property of Little Dum Dum Club. Free Chandler. That's the only reason I'm here. I was bringing in Changs in my boogie board bag just for this guy. Yeah, yeah. He's my... You know how, like, Chappelle and the cocaine... Who was it? Cocaine Cassie? They had to have their sort of prison brides.

This is my prison bride. Right. Right. Right. Oh, there you go. Well, when he spits in your mouth, that's when it's official. That's when it's getting serious. You enter a different kind of prison.

Yeah. If you had your mask on, you wouldn't have to fucking worry about it So yeah you're out the door, you're a free man What's the first thing you indeed? I'm out the door, I should have gone the whole time I'm out the pool side door So Troy can see I'm in this Hotel that's got it's own Massive water slide.

And somehow, I didn't pick it, but somehow they put me in the room. Out of 500 rooms in this resort, I'm in the room directly outside the children's water slide. They put me in that. Oh, yeah, somehow. Yes. Somehow. Somehow an envelope full of cash got slid across the counter at reception. You know I wouldn't have thrown an envelope full of cash at the start.

So no. And you wonder why they fucking locked you in. That would be, if you'd gotten the text saying you have COVID and you then have to stay in that room and you're only used just to have children playing and having fun in a pool, that would be fucking brutal. For most people, but not for you.

You'd be raped. Not a thing. That makes that white towel even more fucking suspect, I must say. No, no, no. Here we go. Excuse me, sir. Can we look at your videos now?

Can we have a look at your videos? All right, we've all had our fun. It's for Instagram. It's content. They better not pull me over when I've got this on my laptop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go out there and I'm like, you know what? I'll jump on the water slide.

At this point, this is like early Monday morning. There seems to be no one in this. So this is the answer to what you do. First thing in Thailand out of quarantine, straight onto the water slide. Well, the pool's right there. The pool's right there. I just wasn't expecting it.

I thought, like, walk down the street, get some food, get a beer, nah, straight onto the water slide. No, straight into the pool. Inside, he was fashioning Different wristbands To see what the colour was For the day Is it bright yellow today

I'll put it on I'll get a free slide Put it on the inside Look at those kids They think they know What a horsey is Once I get let out of here They won't know

What's coming for them Well I go out there There seems to be No one in this hotel right Honestly There is no one around So I jump in the pool and then i look at this water slide and look i think true i mean it seems like a like a kid's water it's a pretty tame water pretty tame water

slides yeah yeah so i'm in the i'm in the pool and i'm thinking you know what it's crazy for me to be in this resort it's got a water slide I'm not much of a water slide. I'm not much of a ride sort of a person. I'm not a roller coaster person, anything like that. But if I'm going to be living next to a water slide, it's a bit weird for me to be here for a week and not get on the water slide. So I go, all right, I'll jump on there. And then so I climb up there, I get on it.

Yeah, we don't want you to be the weirdo. Yeah. If I'm going to be here in a pandemic without my wife and child, it would be weird of me to not go on the water slide. Yeah. So I get on the water slide thinking, oh, I'll just piss this one in. I get on there and I absolutely shit my pants. There's no Australian regulations here.

They've got the water going absolutely full tilt. I jump on and I'm barrelling down. And completely honestly, I was thinking of like, I wish I had brought the phone on because I was thinking, this might be fun. I just jump on and I do me on a water slide for the first time in fucking forever. I started screaming on the way down because I'm like,

I get halfway down and I'm like, I am no longer in control. I'm going to hit my head. I'm going so fast i don't know where this ends and and then i fly out i literally squeal and scream as i hit the water there's no one around and i'm like great fucking hell and i and i hop out and i go man they've got this on turbo this is illegal there should be regulations this thailand's fucked if they let this happen and then honestly I reckon 15 minutes later everyone wakes up and two 8 year olds

get on it, get on the water slide and laugh as they're going down and do it like 10 times in a row and I've fucking full on shit my pants asking for it to be turned up this is for little baby girls I don't want to go on this anymore this is too weak

alright so so this is the first thing that's great yeah all right so so this is the first thing that's happened to you outside of the room and it's been a horrifying experience yeah yeah it's uh yeah so then i uh what do i do then yeah do a bit of pool uh do a bit of uh go for a run uh get oh yeah that's what i go for i go for a run so's 9.30, I go for a run and then I get a coconut drink on the way back and then the two old ladies up sell me three changs on the way home, so

I'm just there trying to get like a smoothie on the way home for a walk home and so then they go oh no, no, no, you need more than this, you have to buy fruit you have to buy this and I'm like, I get it you guys have done it hard I'll buy something else. But all I want is a smoothie. And I don't want fruit.

I'm not bringing fucking fruit back to my room. Okay, I can do with beer. I'll drink beer at some stage. And so then they're like, okay, I'll get one Chang. I'll get a Chang. And they go, oh, just one. You have more than one. I'm like, all right, I'll have two.

They're like, oh, you're a big, strong man. You have more than two Changs. I'm like, oh, I have two. They're like, oh, you're a big, strong man. You have more than two Changs. I'm like, oh, you're right. You know, I am. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. I'm pretty strong.

I just did do a run. I heard you're the man who conquered the slide. I heard you broke out of jail. So then I'm So they upsold me to three Changs And I'm like, okay, look, three I'll do I can do three as I'm sitting by the pool Watching children on the water slide

I guess I can drink beers then And so then they like I'm like, okay, I'll take three And then they just open them all And so then I'm like, oh, fuck So then I'm like, no, I'll take three. And then they just open them all. And so then I'm like, oh, fuck. So then I'm like, no, I don't need them open. It's like, oh, well, too late. I've opened them already.

So then I'm walking home at 9.30 in the morning with three open beers going, oh, well, I guess I can't waste them. Fucking hell. So then I'm drinking three. Hey, don't feel too bad because it was your internal body clock. It was 1.30 in the afternoon back here. I did it. You're right.

Still a pathetic time of day to be drinking three beers by yourself. But getting a little closer to the evening. And I mean, to be honest, you're most of the way there. If you've left your partner and your child back home and you've gone to Thailand, it's like if he's not an alcoholic, what is he doing? Just in for a penny, mate. Like go the whole way. Yeah, yeah. People coming up to you about

to say like don't you have a wife and children and then just seeing the three open beers that you're holding in one hand simultaneously like no further questions we we get this this answers the question these changies are the only people who care i guess the big question that a lot of people listening would have as we covered last week is that uh you haven't spent that much time in Phuket. Obviously, Koh Samui is... I don't know that we've properly said on this episode, but that's actually in Thailand where you are, is Phuket.

How is Phuket... How are you finding it so far as somewhere that is not your all-time favourite destination of Thailand to go to? Well, yeah, look, my self-made, you know, opinion of Phuket was a bit like Phuket is the Bali of Thailand, I think. So I was a little bit off it. But I'm two days in. Man, I'm fucking loving it. I'm basing it off the fact that last time I came here, I went with two mates and we basically stayed within about three blocks of our hotel.

And I was like, this country sucks. I'm like, no, no, no, you just need to walk into maybe the fourth or fifth block. Yeah. And not just like... On that dilapidated hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where the real shit goes down. Yeah, yeah, but no.

Kenny brought me to like an awesome place on the beach first day. I had a few beers there on the beach. So when we met then, you had already had three beers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That explains a lot. I've got to keep this beautiful 10am buzz going, man. Come on. Yeah, yeah.

No, no, it's legit super nice so far. So yeah, yeah, really, really into it. Because, Kenny, we talked about this a bit the last time you were on the show you're a you're a Phuket regular you're over there pretty frequently right

yeah but even this time for me even I have in the last few weeks I've been to like three beaches that I haven't been to before

and I've been here about 15 times yeah yeah so there's just so many different beaches you know now that we can just look them up on Google Maps today,

you just fucking drive there. It makes such a difference. Exactly. That was me. I think I was here 10 years ago. Yeah, that wasn't an option. Well, that's not an option. It's just like, you know, I was walking, you know,

three blocks with mates and then going, oh, I'm a bit scared to go any further, so I don't know where to go or anything. So I did the same. I went to Surin Beach the very first time I went to Thailand. Then the next two times, like years later, I went to the same beach, which now I know is a beach that's fucking miles away from anything. But I was thinking, oh, this is Phuket.

There's fucking two shops. Awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember my first week there, there was one new seafood shop that had fresh snapper as their big advertisement, and I mainly wanted to get it because my parents, my mum loves snapper, just to say, I eat snapper in fucking Thailand. Go there.

I sit down. Oh, we're getting the fresh snapper. Oh, we not have today. We have tomorrow. Okay, so I get something else. Go back the next day. I'll get the fresh snapper. Oh, we not have today.

We have tomorrow. I'm like, all right, you fucking said this yesterday, but whatever. And there's a street vendor there who always said hello to me on the way, just selling shitty street food. I try them once more the next day. She goes, oh, we're not having it. We have it maybe tonight. I said, no.

I said, you've done this to me three times. I'm getting my dinner from this guy here. He's always got his up. And this guy, I get there, he's selling chicken bums. Oh. They're like little bum cheeks of chickens. Is that a thing? And they're like four of them on a skewer.

They're on skewers. And they smell unbelievable, believe it or not. In a good way? Yeah, like they're marinated. So I said to him, I'll have two of those chicken bum skewers. And the guy selling them told me not to get them. Okay. He said to me, have you had before?

I said, no. And he goes, oh, no, I don't think you should. And I said, give a beer. Had them. They were delicious. I know you guys. Succulent. But, yeah, I was shitting myself all night.

I like how there's two warnings and you still got it. One, they're called chicken bums. Two, someone's saying, don't get them. I was going to say, admittedly, I don't know chicken... The guy who's going to make money off this. Yeah.

Admittedly, I don't know chicken anatomy that well, but I'm assuming it tastes like egg. Is that right? Is that how it works? Very close to it. Very close. I mean, people love to say this to Australians that go to places like Thailand

about the beaches and the beers and stuff, but, Kenny, you know, we have eating arse over here. You can do that here. You can eat arse in Australia. You don't need to go overseas to do that. There's plenty of homegrown arse that you can eat in your own backyard without having to get on a flight. Something to look forward to after the episode there, Thorno.

Yeah, have fun. No, but this is... And it'll cost you a lot more over there than it does here. Especially if I get the inflate entertainment with it, like if I'm eating arse and watching a movie. And in both cases, the owner of the arse will tell you not to do it. It's an interesting conversation with you two because it makes me wonder who does go to Thailand more. Because I always reckon, Kenny, because I follow you on Instagram

and it's almost like following an Instagram influencer because if you're not working or doing your sketch show, you've gone to Hawaii or Thailand straight away. Because I've been part of your sketch show last few seasons and I know that you edit it afterwards. And I'm always like, oh, when's the edit over? And then I see a post of you in Thailand. I'm like, oh, the edit's over.

Launch date must be coming pretty soon. They've locked it, yeah. He's finished editing it and he's gone to Thailand to make copies of it to start selling it in Phuket immediately. Jeez, what an inside man. How good is that? That would have been such a sick thing to do

back in the day. I'm surprised that wasn't like a sketch on a show or anything. It's like someone makes a series and then they do that. They have a thing where they've gone to Thailand,

they've got their own little market stall and they're just distributing copies of whatever they've made. You know, Ricky Gervais going over there with the office

in season one. I'm surprised no one filmed that as a thing. That would be so fucking funny. Because there's no DVD markets now, are there? That stuff's gone. That would be good. What if you brought out whatever it is, the new Avengers movie or whatever,

and then it's like Willy Wonka's golden ticket. You just put five copies of the new Avengers movie in burnt DVD stalls around Phuket or something like that. And see how many it grows into. Yeah. Yeah, this bold new release strategy. We're bypassing streaming and we're going straight to night markets.

That's where people get their content these days. Yeah, I mean, look, it was really good marketing for the coronavirus. They put that in a market in Asia and that took off like crazy. That took off. Everyone's heard of it. No, it literally went viral. Like, literally.

It was amazing. So I think we were talking about what we were talking about. We're up to nearly season four of it. Have you seen Omicron? It's all right. They're not as good as the others. They're just rehashing some old ideas, really.

This is the equivalent of introducing a baby to try and keep the audience interested, but we're not. We're seeing through it. We're not into it. I think for long-time listeners of the show, I think a couple of years ago we did an episode with Will Anderson where he tried to get to the bottom of what,

the top five things that I loved about Thailand, the reason I go to Thailand. So what were they again, Tommy? Can you recount the top five off the top of your head? Sex with young boys. No, not me. Oral sex with young boys. Anal sex with young boys. No, not me. Oral sex with young boys. Anal sex with young boys.

In fact, it's not even bottom five. I'm not even putting that on a list, okay? I mean, getting near a slide with young boys. None of those things. All right, I guess I'll have to take it from here. I wouldn't use the phrase bottom when you're trying to counter what I'm saying. It doesn't do you any favours. No, it was the port beaches.

Yeah. Beer. Beaches to beer, yeah. No, when he said beaches, he means the bit with the movie. You know, the DVD copy of that. Yeah, beaches too. The beaching. Yeah, I love that movie.

Beaching. Yeah, I love that movie. The Beaching. Yeah, it was a very kind of vague and quite generic list. That was the thing that stuck out to me. It was things that you could get at many, many, many other places in the world. I think that was the thing that... Is that what he was pointing out? I think so. I think that was his conclusion.

I've got to knock one thing out of the top five. I'll have to decide something to knock out of I think so. I think that was his conclusion. I've got to knock one thing out of the top five. I'll have to decide something to knock it out of the top five. I think something that we talked about the other day, Troy, that we shared love of, Thailand. Something that spells Thailand for us. Two words. Fairy lights. Fucking love fairy lights.

Can't get them back in Australia. Go somewhere after dark, restaurants and bars and stuff Just those tiny little yellow and blue And red lights Man, worth the 8 hour flight Just for them alone You've never been in a share house backyard have you?

That's where they're thriving in this country Oh yeah, big time Oh man, no I haven't I've got to get some people Living in my house with my child and wife, obviously. If that's how it happens. Get some boarders in there. Well, to be honest, there's an opening because you've gone at the moment,

so the pros can't see someone to fill that in. Okay, so fairy lights have to knock something else out of the top five. So what are fairy lights replacing? Sand, beer, sun, pool, fairy lights have to knock something else out of the top five? So what if fairy lights were pricing? I can't remember the top five. Sand, beer, sun, pool, fairy lights. Beach, cheap beer. Was massages in there? Oh, cheap massages, yeah.

Maybe it's knocking out cheap massages. Maybe it's knocking out cheap massages. If you had to get rid of one thing about Thailand to make room for the fairy lights, what would it be? Like they go, no massage parlours anymore and they're all being converted into big fairy light warehouses that you can just go and walk around and look at the fairy lights

all day for free. What if massage parlours had fairy lights? I can combine the two. Maybe I can do that. Maybe I can just bring fairy lights into every massage parlour I go from now on. Most of us have a red light anyway, so whatever.

Well, if we're playing this game, you're just poolside getting a massage covered in Changi beer. Like, if we can do this, where you can just smash it all together. I know that we talked about this in previous episodes, the rep of the... The poor old rep... The thing I feel really bad about Thailand is when people back home think of thailand it's like oh yeah like cheap hand jobs or stuff like that and it's like you you look around the country and it's like the

you know they're not as cheap as you'd think yeah that's the complaint it's all relative people people think that and it's like you look around the country it's so beautiful and the food and like we talked about you know the the nature of the geography and everything like that and it's like you look around the country It's so beautiful and the food and like we talked about You know the nature, the geography And everything like that and people from Australia focus on that. I feel really bad that That's you know the Native people here

Get caught you know that from Australians. At the very least I'd like to Think that the people that live here when They talk about going to Australia They knock Australia by going Fuck Australia Australia, expensive handjobs. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you bother going there?

But so I went to a – I've been trying to get a massage, one a day. And so I've never – and like I said the other week, I've never even been propositioned. I mean, look, I'll go to like ones on the beach and stuff like that and i think i think you'd have to be you know pretty risky to to offer a hand job on the beach on a pizza mash it's like yeah it's not that's not really gonna happen i think we've we've we've pondered this before on the podcast has that ever happened a happy ending yeah i mean i have i've offered them i've just never accepted right. Yeah, that's good.

Yeah. You're one of those guys with the, like the, what is it? Like the blow-up pool toys and stuff. You go along selling that and go, no, I don't want to. What about that? No. Okay. I thought you meant you were offering it to the person who's given you a massage.

You're like, wow, you worked really hard on that. You must have been pretty tense after that. That is good. How about a bit of, you know.'s true yeah it makes sense yeah so you can save some money carl just saying save some money so i went to i went to one the other day that all looked you know fine there's not that many uh uh massage places around where i'm staying it's a little bit it's a fair hike from anywhere else so uh i went to this one my general rule of thumb is if there's not girls like yelling out after you at the out the front of the massage place that

generally means that it's not one of those places probably i would say like if if they're if the girls are on the inside of the shop you're all good i think uh and so i i went to a place where there was there was girls out the front but they weren't yelling out so i was like okay i think maybe i'm okay here so then i went in there and then uh i get you know just the hour massage they take me out the back there's like cubicles so there's five cubicles five like tiny little massage cubicles. And so they put me in the middle one. It's like, okay, all good. Bang, we go in there. And so I'm about 10 minutes in. And then very clearly, four guys walk in. So they're four guys that must be on like a box trip or some sort of like their English. So they're obviously on some sort of trip together. There's four of them.

And they come in, and they're all like very loud. trip together. There's four of them. And they come in and they're all very loud and they obviously all know each other and they're yelling over the top of the cubicle. And I'm right in the middle. So I'm going, oh, that's a bit weird because you've got that nice atmosphere. They play traditional Thai music and all of a sudden there's four cunts going, all right, gaff, now fucking blah, blah, blah.

And we're not super relaxing in the middle of a massage. What were these chimney sweeps doing in Phuket? As opposed to our beautiful accent of, oh, what's this fucking traditional porn music, is it? Fucking love it, yes. So they're doing that. So they come in, they get over all that sort of stuff. I'm in, they get the massage and whatever.

And then, you know, we get about probably another 10, 20 minutes into the massage. And these are tiny cubicles and we're really wedged in. And I start hearing stuff where I'm like, oh, I think I'm in one of those places. Because there's like quite a bit of noise from the guys that are like on you know making quite pleasurable noises and again i'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt where i'm like oh that's just a massage like if you're getting a hard massage you're gonna make noise or whatever but i think the giveaway is if you hear a groan or you know a noise of pleasure or something like that but then the girl giving the massage goes like okay yeah that's not good right so there's quite a bit of that going on and whispering

and stuff like that and so it's sort of escalating and i'm for starters i'm going what sort of four guys go oh let's all go in here and listen to each other come on i don't know what's going on that's a weird thing i'm stuck directly in the middle of it going, fuck, I hope this is not what's actually happening. Yeah, and especially if your assumption is correct and it is a box, it's like won't be able to do this in a few weeks, mate. Get wanked off with the boys.

Once the old ball and chain's on the picture. Once I've got a ring on my finger, I can't hear if three of my friends come, so I'm out of that. I heard a mate explaining to my friends come. So I'm out of that. I heard a mate explaining to me as well. So if you were to say, if you go back to that massage place, whoever massaged you massages you again.

That's your masseuse for life now. Oh, really? We're in a relationship now. As you're approaching, from a distance, you've got to try and pick which one you think you're attracted to, if that's what you want to do it for. Right. And it's like Avatar when they hook onto those dragons. Whichever one you connect to, you've got to shove your ponytail into.

As soon as you lock eyes, you're done. That's your masseuse forever. So you've got to fucking make sure it's the one you want. Oh, really? Okay. I've gone back since just the one I get near the fitness place I'm at, and I've gone to get a foot massage, and there's five ladies there, and the lady I get one from isn't there.

And they go, oh, she's busy for 40 minutes. And I'm like, well, you four fuckers are sitting here doing nothing, but they won't, like, betray it. I have to wait for her now. Oh, you're married now? Yeah. It's so ridiculous. You're married?

Yeah. Well, if that's the one I'm married to now. I'm paying her rent and shit. I don't know how it works, but I'm not going to say it and go against it. And man, is it weird to have a footache in your penis? Is that weird? Yeah, I love that they've got the code. Chicks before soft western dicks.

So I'm in the middle of this wank hurricane, right? These four English governors, this is what's happening there. I'm in the middle. You're in the eye of the cum. Yeah. Wait a minute. What hemisphere is it? Hurricane or cyclone?

I just want to technically get this right. Wank cyclone? Does the cum go down the hole in that, like counterclockwise or clockwise? What happens here? get this right wank cyclone does it come does it come go down the down the hole in that in like counterclockwise or clockwise what happens here so um so i'm in the middle and so i'm hearing stuff and i'm going man like i hope this isn't what i think it is it sounds like what it is i you know and then the girl doing the massage to me and again i talked about this i've never even been offered it here right and the girl i'm in the

middle of the my masseuse just is massaging me from behind and then just basically sort of stops and then i'm like what's going on here and she's just like listening as well trying to trying to listen if anyone's getting jerked off or whatever like trying trying to work it out as well looking at me going what's going on here and i well, looking at me going, what's going on here? And I'm like, well, I think we all know what's going on here. Fucking hell. And I'm thinking, oh, well, this is the point where she offers it to me and I'll have to respectfully decline.

And she's like going, do you see? Oh, okay, right. And then just keeps massaging me and that's it. Just goes, oh, I'm with the show. And so I'm getting the worst massage of all time. She can't even be fucked massaging me at this point. She's just more listening into what's going on next door. She's giving me the worst massage of all time,

which I don't know if we agree. The worst massage of all time is that point where they just scratch your head. I fucking hate that. It's like this isn't a massage. So I'm getting my – I'm planning to get my head scratched as four guys are getting wanked off next to me. Awesome. Imagine if you did, if you're the guy in that situation

that did want to be jerked off and you're hearing that and then you're motioning to the masseuse being like, huh? And then she goes, we don't do that here. While you're just staring at the bunting. The cum's flying over the top of the walls and hitting me in the head. And you go, no, no, no. That's just spit. It's not the same thing we do.

You only get that if you paid for the in-house entertainment. I literally didn't pay for any of it. Any of it anywhere. All right. Well, we'd better wrap it up for this week. Dave has to go go And after hearing about A man Three British men

Getting jerked off Dave has to now Go pick up his child From school So I've just got to keep Doing that until This podcast is released

And they won't let me Anywhere near the school So I've just got to Just got to pull my weight With the family Then I can do all the Podcasts I want I'll be free

It's win win guys If the cops pull you over On the way to the I can do all the podcasts I want. I'll be free. It's win-win, guys. If the cops pull you over on the way to the school, just don't say you've been doing a podcast, okay? All right, well, Dave Thornton, Troy Kinney, thank you so much for joining us. Kinney, have you got things coming up you'd like to plug? I might do a bit of a special one-off thing at the Comedy Festival,

which will be like a script table reading of something I wrote over COVID just so I can get a gauge if it's fucking funny and worth pursuing. Yeah, nice. All right, well, that's in Melbourne in a couple of months. Yeah, a month or two's time or something like that. Yeah, not too far off. Nice. But other than that, I've got sweet fuck all going on.

You do not want to miss the reading of Titanic 2. It is so good. Thorne, you've got a tour coming up? That's right, mate. Yes, at Adelaide very soon. So we're doing a split show there with Durek Jaya's singer

and then I will be at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival and touring other states thereafter but it's all a bit up in the air now because even festivals are like

I think this will be happening later in the year so we will see so yes brand new show ladies and gentlemen come on by follow me on the socials

and you'll hear all about it nice alright guys thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time see you next time. See you, mate. And they've done it again.

They've done it again internationally. Yep. Bernie has kicked one straight over the... What ocean would that be? I've got no fucking clue. Southeast Asian Ocean. That traditional huge track of water. Guess what, Tommy?

Big news. I'm back. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Right. I thought this was just a huge computer monitor that I was looking at. No, no, no.

With a fantastic connection. I've got to say to you right now, we are face-to-face. So it's time to click off from Zoom. We're both using Zoom. I meant to say it before we started. It's a bit of a waste. We're here in the same room, so let's turn that off. Oh, yeah, okay.

Turn that off now. So we could – it has been driving me wild because the Zoom is, like, a little bit behind. Like, I can hear you in the room in one ear, and then three seconds later, I hear you over the Zoom connection. And it's not really a good way of doing the pod. So you're saying we could just do this? Hello?

Carl. Ah, fuck. Yes, yes, we are. Fuck. Oh, God. Yes, Tommy. Are you tethering? Hey, mates.

Yeah, welcome into the little dumb... What? Which bit of... Sorry. Oh, hang on. It's catching up. People in 2022 still just loving Zoom, folks. They're ripe on the vine, I reckon.

Pluck them off and just tuck in. Someone's finally brave enough to take on Zoom. Yeah. Now we are back in the room. The world's luckiest company. Getting just, getting to be. How did Skype miss out on that one? That would be, I reckon, I reckon we're maybe a year off from someone doing

there'll be like a big like you know new york times article examining how did zoom gain ubiquity and skype just fuck it so hard and zoom zoom not even the best platform for it they just happen to be the one that some office workers used and went this is the thing the vhs beta of its day it truly is but yeah i bet they're um i bet they were just seething in there at skype hq yeah yeah it'll be like a netflix series or something there'll be one person in there totally who just was like a real like early days march 2020 like ah this is i reckon this is gonna go for like a week we don't need to push this yeah we don't need to put money into advertising and making it how we're all still in this together but working skype and going this sort of isn't that great but then this falling in

their lap and going oh my god like first day of the pandemic going i can't believe it yeah it's actually going to happen for us and then oh no and i think we tried happening we tried skype day one i think for this pod the first episode of this that we did remotely, I remember we did it over Skype because we were all just like, you know, you're all already in the Skype ecosystem. None of us had Zoom. We're like, let's just see how this goes instead of, you know, having to get a new thing.

And they're being like, oh, this program's a bit shit. I don't think they've touched this in 10 years. I feel like I'm fucking backpacking trying to contact my parents before internet on fire. Yeah. If they made a slightly cooler interface, maybe it would have had us. But I am fresh off the plane. Yep. This is...

I've raced off straight into the Skybus, straight into the train, straight to the cafe where my wife left my house keys because she couldn't be fucked being here to greet me after a week of being away. She's off with the girls. Oh, the girlies. Yeah. Yeah, nice. Just having coffee and whatever.

Yep. Her, Blanket, Samantha. Yep. That's why she couldn't be in the reboot. Sneezy. Sneezy catching up with your wife. Zeppo. Yep.

All the rest of them. The gang's all there. So you and I are sitting here in basically a construction site. Yes. Everything's kind of packed up. There's sort of drop sheets over nearly every available surface. Do you think it stopped my allergies to your cat flaring up? Absolutely not.

Oh, really? I don't know how a bit of hair's gotten in the old eyeball, but it has, and it's causing me a great deal of discomfort. Well, our cat has been moved off to the sister-in-law's. Okay. Oh, man, everyone's having a little vacay. Yes, and has absolutely forgotten we exist. Really?

So, don't say name and blanket have gone around to visit her, not having a bar room, actually hiding under the bed. Really? Has adopted herself out. I don't think she's got any desire to come back. What's happening to this cat that's just in this house that's just made her so like, don't send me back with them. Maybe she's got Tommy allergies.

Maybe she's got the reverse of what you're just copying now. Yeah, could do. Every now and then you come around, she goes, oh, I'm allergic to podcasters. Podcasters, not podcaster. That's why she can put up with me. Multiple. Well, I did fuck your cat and I. Podcasters, not podcaster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's multiple. Well, I did fuck your cat and I had cat AIDS before I did that.

Wow. Yeah, I could have. I've probably passed that on. I would understand her. That would be rare to give cat AIDS to a cat from a person. Contributing it back into a... Right. Well, you've just fucked a cat with cat AIDS, then you're carrying it.

Oh. Then you're going around going like, all right, I'm going to spread this around. I've got to do some damage. Maybe I can fuck the cat aids out of me. Right, right. Yeah. That old trick. Wow, never knew that about yourself.

All right, well, get well. Thank you. I wish you'd told me in Thailand. I could have gone. There's a lot of over-the-counter dodgy cat aid medication. Oh, there's over-the-counter eye drops? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anti-histamines.

Get it, load up over there because fuck, they're tough to come by here. Yeah, you know, the Australian government make it really hard for you to recover from cat aids here. Well, yeah, you go in, the trick is you go to a chemist's warehouse, they'll only sell you two packets at a time and you've just got to drive to another one

where they don't know you and you sort of say like, oh, it's, you know, it's for my uncle. He's just a bit, he's just sneezing and he can't get in the car. He needs them real bad. And then you just get home, you empty all the pills out, you fucking crush them up and just snort away. Well, that's what I was, that's what I was doing. I was actually, you know, it's a shame I didn't save some of the cat aid medication over there

because I was just absolutely off my guts on them. Just doing it recreationally. Yeah. Like if you actually have cat aids, it just makes you feel better. But if you don't have it, fuck, mate, you're off your tits. Well, it's more even just a psychological thing

because it was like ecstasy because I was just so happy that I knew I definitely don't have cat aids. It's a good feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember those days, but they're gone for me. I've got it forever now.

And now I'm permanently depressed. Yeah, you're the Magic Johnson of cat feeling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember those days, but they're gone for me. I've got it forever now. And now I'm permanently depressed. Yeah. You're the Magic Johnson of cat aids. Yeah. Going into therapy sessions. They won't let you play in the NBA, but you're still here. Going into your first day with a new therapist and they're like, so yeah, what's going on? Start from the start.

Talk me through it. You're like, well, I do a lot of buggering of animals and it's just really starting to weigh me down. Yeah. And just really testing them. I'll tell you who's got it pretty easy. Dogs. No dog aids.

Never heard of dog aids? Yeah. Good point. Yeah. Why is there cat aids and not dog aids? Oh, here we go. Here come the fucking messages. Is that what that movie is about?

The truth about cats and dogs? One's got aids and one doesn't? Yeah. It's a one minute movie. Right. It's a pamphlet. Uma Thurman just narrates, just explains how AIDS works in the animal world. And then how it transferred over to cats and what their version of it is

and how dogs are still not susceptible to it. Right. Just the antidote is dog shit. Because they eat their own shit and spew. That cures them. As of time of recording, we don't want this to date badly. We don't want the AIDS strain to make the leap into canines in six months' time. And then people go back and listen to this and they're like,

well, this doesn't hold up at all. These fucking dodgy opinions about dog AIDS not existing. This could be the start of the first couple of weeks of the Rona, where we talked about it and went, no, let's not talk about it too much because this might be gone any second. We'll blow it off. It'll date, whatever. This is us going, you know, cat AIDS.

Anyway, enough about that. Cue us talking about cat AIDS for the next five years. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People wearing masks over their buttholes so they don't get fucked by a cat and get cat AIDS. Yep. Anyway, enough about that.

Just off the plane, straight off the plane, straight on the sky bus, straight to the train, straight to the cafe, straight to here. Construction site. Yep.

Yep. So I hope I'm not smelling absolutely too gamey, but I've brushed my teeth. Okay. I haven't had time for the shower because you've got to go

off to a romantic, it is Valentine's Day. We're recording this on Valentine's Day. No better person I'd rather spend Valentine's Day with than you, Tommy. The feeling's mutual. Yeah. I mean, I've got a feeling by the end of this episode maybe I will have cat AIDS given the feeling in the air on a special day like this. But what have we got to say? We've got to, you know, look, more to talk about with Thailand.

I'll save it for another episode. Save it for the guts. Yeah. Save it for getting up in the guts. Yeah, but it was all right. We're all right getting back apart from the fact that when I got to the airport last night, did not realise, very stupidly, did not realise I had to do anything to get back into the country.

Apparently I did. Yep. A lot of people in that line did not know either. Really? Yeah. And a lot of people were people that were not that au fait with technology. That's really strange because there's been so much stuff in the news about how easy it is for people to get back into Australia in the last year or so yeah that's kind of all they've been talking about but you know

what people just fucking acts like slipping and falling over and then waking up in australia by accident and so that seems to be contradictory to what we're hearing in the media every day yeah yeah yeah it's um you know what that was funny though like the amount of stuff i got sent to like going to thailand going, right, you've got to fucking do this. You've got to do that to go to Thailand. You realize that, don't you? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then they send you to more stuff. Just remember, you've got to fucking do this stuff for Thailand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw all the other stuff. But the stuff you've got to do to Thailand, you've got to do it. Yeah. I get it. You've got to do stuff to go to Thailand.

On the way home, not a peep. No. Yeah. No notifications. No. From've got to do stuff to go to Thailand. Yep. On the way home, not a peep. No, yeah, no notifications. No. What, from people you know or from just like? No, no, from the airline, from anything like that. Yeah. Yeah, you've got a lot of heads up.

To be fair, it's not an unfair assumption to go like, well, I'm going back to my place of citizenship because that's always been the case with travel. It's like you've got to do something to go to the States. You've got to do something to go most places. Even if all it is is get on the website and click, yes, I'd like to go. You still can't get into the US without doing that. Coming back, it's like, yeah, well, this is your home. This is where your passport's from.

So you're allowed to just waltz right in. Well, I got the test and I got the all clear and all that sort of stuff. So I sort of thought, well, that's pretty much it, isn't it? Yeah. But apparently not and a lot of people in the line uh desperately trying to uh open an app figure out what an app is yep yeah a lot of people around me going well and me thinking you are you know what i reckon there's going to be pretty empty plane i reckon there's going to be a lot of people not getting back on with me so you would think that that might be just an exclusive experience to being overseas,

but I was just in Queensland over the weekend, and the number of people going into a venue that just get floored by, oh, you need an app up here, do you? Oh, yeah. You do. Oh, well, how do I get that? Yeah. I would have thought the App Store.

Yeah. How do you – oh, so what – so how do I – Put it this way. So I can't check into this – So I can't check into this... So I can't check into the Noosa Head Surf Lifesaving Club using the Victorian

service app? No, I don't think you can. But once you just get that app, then it's really easy. Then you can just go wherever you want. But you just need to actually spend the five seconds

now to get the app. Bit of a diss on Victorians to not be able to figure out something that Queenslanders can figure out. My God. Yeah. And they're fucking militant up there too.

Yeah, they love it. They're really going for it. They love it, yeah. But I did see, did I say this? On the way to Thailand, someone not get let in onto the plane. Onto the flight. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You talked about because they were too drunk.

Yeah. Yeah. So then on the way back. To do all the rest of it, the paperwork and everything else. And then you're at the airport. Yeah. You're in the lounge. I totally.

At the departure gate. That's right. You're ready to go. Yeah, I talked about it on a bonus ep, didn't I? Yeah, yeah. People absolutely blind, paralytic, couldn't get on the plane. Do you think that's a bit of like, we did it all. We're going to Thailand.

Yeah. Time to celebrate. Yeah. And then just falling at the final hurdle. What's the name of the fucking cafe again? Because I think I called it Bruschetti's and that's not the name of it, is it? Brunetti's. Brunetti's.

Yeah. Brunetti's. Fucking hell. For all the people that listened to the bonus episode this week or last week, they were screaming at me for calling a cafe bruschettis. Yeah. Well, I mean, they serve bruschetta there. So that's not an unfair, you know.

So you think it's not unfair to call McDonald's McBurgers? No. Like, again, the point of language is to be able to understand and communicate with each other. So if you said, let's go to McBurgers. Okay. I'd know what you meant. I'm calling it that from now on. Wouldn't I be like, yeah.

You know, it's like people that get in and fucking correct your grammar and shit online. It's like, if you know what I meant, then it doesn't matter. All right, that's it. It's called McBurgers from now on. I love that idea. Do you think when, like, do you think with like, you know, before the invention of like spoken languages, when people were communicating with fucking little dances and clicks and idea do you think when like do you think with like you know before the invention of like spoken languages when people were communicating with fucking little dances and clicks and shit like

this yeah do you think there was the equivalent of like a you know an i'm actually person who it's like a grammatical thing where it's like you know you didn't raise your hand quite high enough as you were doing a little uh you clicked when you should have clacked. Exactly. It's like, it's actually this movement instead. It's actually er, not er. Yeah, exactly. There must have been. Yeah. There must have been.

I like to think that that style of person is just timeless. They've always existed. They always will exist. Right. Well, I think someone got blind off their guts at Brunetti's is the idea. Whether they were, i don't even know if they sell alcohol there whether they were just getting um off their chops on the on on some sort of trifle yeah yeah yeah yeah i don't know too many cherry ripes yep so and then on the way back

uh quite a few people and look you know uh i was flying jet star so yes i wasn't completely surprised by some of the actions of some of these people. Quite a few people in tank tops that didn't understand that you had to get a test to get back on the flight. That's great. There was a guy, literally a guy that was in front of me that at some stage just went, turned around to his girlfriend and went, Ah, fuck it. We've got to go and get a fucking test

to get on this fucking plane and then just picked up his ripped curl bag and just ran out of the airport and I'm like so long sucker and then anyway I did the rigmarole got all the way through

did my test in line halfway through the line got told i had to do this test like fuck race through it thought fuck i've actually done this pretty quickly yep like and i was on eight percent battery i'm like okay this could have been a fucking disaster yep got through it thought done well this will thin the herd i reckon got through uh charged my phone did a little bit of thing then thought just before i get on the plane might line up get a drink from subway oh yeah right in front of me in line and subway this cunt in the tank top he's fucking phone, did a little bit of thing, then thought, just before I get on the plane, might line up, get a drink from Subway. Oh, yeah?

Right in front of me, in line in Subway, this cunt in the tank top. He's fucking done it. Fantastic. I don't know how he's done it. He's raced out, got the test, got the result back. He's gotten the PCR. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, got it like a rapid one at the airport.

A rapid PCR. Come back and still got in time to get a meatball six inch before I could. I wouldn't have minded it if it wasn't that at all. He's just like, fuck it, I'm just going to have Subway for dinner here before I head back out. Well, he couldn't. I'm staying in Thailand for a couple of days. I'll just fucking get a drink here. He had to go through the international bit.

But it's like that great story. I can't remember who has it. Maybe Cody, but someone landing at, let's say, Perth Airport, and they're walking through and they see friend of the show, Chris Franklin, in the bar having a beer. And they think, oh, he's gotten to the airport early and he's heading off somewhere. And they're like, where are you going?

And he's like, oh, no, I just landed from Melbourne three hours ago. Just hitting the fucking pub at the airport. I would dispute that you can call that a story when that's just something that happens every time. yeah uh a yarn yeah a tidbit a fact a regular occurrence yeah yeah but i love it it's like yeah nah it doesn't matter fucking where just the geography is all that matters to me yeah also just that thing of like landing and people's natural thing of like i just got to get out of the airport. Can I wait? And him going,

how long am I allowed to stay here for? It's also because it's like once you land, you're very excited, but it's like truly I never feel like the holiday has begun until I'm in the accom, had a shower, fresh clothes, out the door.

Everything from landing up until then is still just like, it's kind of like purgatory. It's sort of like the in-between, between life and death. All right, ending up until then is still just like, it's kind of like purgatory. It's sort of like the in-between. Yeah. Between life and death. All right, let's kick, let's, look, there's plenty more of that bullshit we can get onto later on, later on down the track.

But the quicker we do this, the quicker I can have a shower. Oh, yeah, fantastic. Yeah. Which, you know, it doesn't feel that great for me at the moment, but I would say it would probably feel considerably worse for you. I'm honestly not noticing anything. Okay, that's good. Which maybe means I have COVID.

I could have given you COVID. Yeah. Very quick reacting COVID. All right, well, let's get on to the… I've got something else to bring up, but I'll wedge it. I'll try and segue it into one of these names. I'll try and find a way to... I'll try and pick it.

...to make it into a name read. Okay. Well, this is, of course, if this is your first time listening, if this has somehow piqued your interest, somehow I'm going, fuck it, this is the one I'm going to start at. Welcome. This is the segment of the show where we thank everyone that gets on.

Our Patreon supports the show through patreon.com slash little dum-dum club. They give us their shekels. They give us their dollars. They give us their francs. Yep. They give us their yen. They give us their baht. Yep.

And that keeps the line on. That keeps me on $230 Jetstar return flights. And that's all the currencies that exist in the world. Yes, that's it. We refuse to take any other. So they do that. And then, of course, we at some stage get along to naming them in our little hall of fame.

That's what we're going to do right now. Of course, thanks to the unplanned title, Alternator, which keeps it fair. We don't want to... Some people try and give us thousands of dollars to jump the queue. And of course, we say no. Yep. We don't want to – some people try and give us thousands of dollars to jump the queue, and of course we say no. Yep. We want to keep this. We want to give everyone a chance.

If people have come to us with literally tens of thousands of dollars and said, can we skip even one week? I've got the feeling we might be due to be read out in October 2022. Yep. Can you bring it forward to August? It'll be a nice birthday present for us. Here's 15 grand they're already

no and then they offer us a bribe as well yes and we say no nah it's not the right thing to do we think well if we

if that got out then all of a sudden everyone would be giving us $15,000 a week exactly and how's that fair then where would we be maybe not in a half knockdown house

as we are at the moment then we could do this for another like month and just retire. Yeah. Yuck. Then I'd have to go back to Thailand instead of for a week forever. Yeah. Into that literal whatever the – opposite of hellhole, heavenhole.

Why would I want to spend my time in that heavenhole? A few heavenholes on offer over there, actually. I bet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. First took took off the rank this week. Yep.

Thank you very much to Rakora Nicholson. Rakora? Yeah. Rakora? R-A-U-K-A-W-A Nicholson. Rakora? Yeah. Wow.

Love that as a bit of a jarring contrast between the names. And-A Nicholson. Rekora. Yeah. Wow. Love that as a bit of a jarring contrast between the names. And then just Nicholson. Rekora Nicholson. Straight up. Yeah. Again, couldn't hazard a guess as to where that's from. Nicholson. Is it Fijian Hawaiian?

Nicholson, that is. Yeah. It's got a bit of that flavor to it, for sure. But I still am not confident enough to really take a stab. Yeah, it's got some Maori kind of undertone as well. Nicholson, that is. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Someone's dog near your house is fucking kicking off. Yeah. Is that a regular thing? Well no Usually I'm just hearing This stream of piss Coming from above

Right It's not usually Unless that's Unless that's Unless that's Unless that's the upstairs dog That's been absolutely You do need to give

Because again If this is someone's first time They probably think You're just talking about In the boudoir Right Oh mate I'm just fucking hearing

Piss all day No no no There's a dog upstairs So unless that that dog's howling because it's actually being led down the street being walked down the street and it's absolutely busting to go and all i can see is trees and grass and things like that and he goes i need to go or gets home gets out of the balcony above me and goes oh thank god for that and then absolutely jet stream pisses all over the balcony down into my balcony or it's on the roof and it's run out of piss oh it's on the balcony it's like what's the point of being out here if i can't send a fucking waterfall down to

gusts of headquarters dust coming out of its peen and just coming down here exactly yeah blanks yeah piss and blanks i should have got some medication for that over there. But I do love that jarring contrast of names. I do love a bit of one name coming from absolutely somewhere very different from here and then having a very, very Anglo name on top of it. Yeah. It's a true melting pot. It's a bit of a, I don't know, like what's a what's a what's a japanese name what's a what's

a traditional japanese name a traditional one yeah i don't know about a traditional one well shigeru the inventor of mario shigeru shigeru oh well shigeru smith say that smith yeah i love that sort of you know what it you know what it says to me like every time and maybe this is you know this this could be i could be thinking about something that's in fact happened generations before. But anytime I hear that kind of name, I just think someone's gone on a holiday. They've fallen in love. Yeah. Someone's had a little visit and they thought, I'm never coming home.

Yeah. Gonna have a little baby. Is that what's happened here? Well, you know, I think so. It's like you've taken my name. And, but, you know, let's. Hang on, I've taken your name. No, I let's hang on i've taken your name no i'm saying in this scenario man we've gotten together i thought i was caldasso for a minute sorry the

guy's gone you know you've taken my name in wedlock but you know let's honor your heritage by giving this child the name of this your people this could have happened in lockdown in the last two years someone could have snuck. The borders have been very tight between Australia and New Zealand. Let's say that's what it is. Yep. Someone snuck over, made a baby. This is like a six-month-old subscriber. Yep.

Recora Nicholson. Yep. That could be this. I think they're just about to outgrow us, but sure. Yeah. Have we talked about this before? Like how – I don't know if your parents did this i don't i don't think so but when they have a kid and they sign them up to the mcc

oh yeah straight away so then it takes like 20 years my grandpa popped in to do that on his way to the hospital before meeting me for the first time oh really yeah dad's on the phone he's like we're just giving birth you know we're all happy and healthy. Grandpa's like, I'll be right there, but I've got to make one stop first. Right. Straight into the G. Into the MCG. Yeah. Put me down on the list.

You've got to do it day one. Yeah. If you want any hope of a kid one day being a member. I do love, like, I love the idea that maybe you were born at like 3 p.m. on a Saturday and it's like grand final day. Badly gridlocked traffic, yeah. It's like, I've just got to do one thing. Fuck, I can't like 3 p.m. on a Saturday and it's like grand final day. Bad like gridlock traffic, yeah. It's like, I'm just going to do one thing. Fuck, I can't get a park.

Yep, yep. Well, you know, my birthday is late August. So, you know, it's getting there. Nearly finals time. It's, you know, it's heating up. Round 22. It's getting busy. Yeah.

Now, I feel like I could probably guess the answer to this. What happened then after he signed you up? I had it for a bit. I used it a bit and then... Oh, you did actually get it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got it. I used it a bit. I thought it was going to be his story whereas he's done this right thing or whatever and then you've got to 18 and gone, nah, I wouldn't have thought so, Gramps. No, no, no. I did, yeah.

I kept it and then I let it lapse because I was just like, I hit a period where I wasn't using enough and it's like, it, no. I did, yeah, I kept it and then I let it lapse because I was just like, I hit a period where I wasn't using enough and it's like, it's expensive. Not a lot of Donkey Kong conventions happening in the middle of the G. I think there probably are. Yeah. It wouldn't be bad, actually. Actually, it wouldn't be bad just like on a big screen

if you just had like 10,000 of those. You know when they do that at like Telstra Dome or whatever they call it in the docklands and they cover the turf and they just put those white plastic chairs there. For a concert. Yeah, you go to M&M and you're sitting on this fucking $2 chair from Bunnings and going, oh, it's good I paid $400 for this. Oh, the worst seats, yeah. Did you see about, I don't know if this is, this probably isn't going to happen now if

it hasn't been announced by now, but like a couple of weeks ago there was a story where Kanye West had wanted to come out and do, because he's doing Coachella, so I guess he just wanted to do like a warm-up off the grid. And he's like, cool, I'll go to the cultural backwater of Australia where who gives a fuck how anything goes. That's a lot of comedy people do test us out like that. And it's like, oh, yeah, we'll just get the thing that everyone in Australia absolutely

prays to get to one day and wipe my ass with it. Yeah, totally. Yeah. So he, there was a story. Did you see this? He'd had a specific date that he wanted to do. Right. And Marvel Stadium's like the only, you know, it's like, well, that's going to be the venue

because that's like the biggest space that you can do. And it was going to be like- Also very telling that I was like, oh, you know, Colonial Docklands, whatever the fuck they call it, you're like the biggest space that you can do and it was going to be also very telling that i was like oh you know um colonial docklands whatever the fuck they call it you're like marvel stadium yeah you're on it the only reason i knew that is because i read this story like two weeks ago but so he wanted to do it there and it was the date was like i think like round one of the oh yeah and so they go well nah mate you can't you can't do it on that date yeah and it was this big thing in the age that was just like the frio dockers are here it was just like this pathetic australian thing that we love to do where the article was framed as like the afl have told kanye to get stuffed and

it's like and it's it's always i love when it's painted as if this has been a direct conversation between the head of the afl and kanye himself it's like yeah this isn't even on his radar like this is his people and it's like doesn't he fucking know that that's round one of them no he's had a date that he wanted to do and he's been told no and that's probably the end of it but it was like this big thing of like australia has stuck it to kan Kanye where it really counts. Up there, Kanye. Yeah, just run them to get... But the stupid thing is, is like the thing that I found funny about it is like, so, you know, the AFL owns Marvel Stadium

and so they would get money off Kanye performing there in subcapacity. And they've had two years worth of lockdowns where they haven't, you know, been able to have people in the stadium and selling tickets to games. It's like shuffle some shit around and take the fucking cash from Kanye.

Yeah. Make some fucking bank for a night. Yeah. Well, I mean, to be fair, I can't really say to Kanye, what about a Tuesday night? Like people say to us. Like people say to us when we try and book something in.

No, he's coming in, he's like, what time's the game start? Three. All right, I'll start at 11 a.m. I'll be out by 2.30 so you can reset. Can you sell drinks at a time? My crowd are good drinkers. My crowd drink.

No encores. I'll bring my own tech. I'll bring my own door person. We won't. We'll just do the podcast. We won't do the stand-up so we can fit in. And then they're like, yeah, great. All right, we'll get the tickets all set up because marvel stadium we've got an arrangement with ticker tech and him

going nah can't i'm running this thing through try booking yeah yeah selling like what's the capacity they're like i'll print out the 50 000 names yeah office works on the way here yeah no it's like kanye turning up to Marble Stadium and being like, have you guys got a printer somewhere? I could print out the phone book of names of ticket holders. And just someone in his entourage at the turnstile with the highlighter. Yeah, yeah. And look, I know you've got to get the footy on afterwards,

so I won't sell my merch inside the stadium. I'll stand out next to the subway and sell. And sell my yay fucking t-shirts. Because I don't want you guys taking a cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll sell the Yeezy Boosts next to the Hungry Jacks at Southern Cross Station. Yes. All right. Well, thanks, Nicholson.

Thanks, yeah. Thanks, Rakowa. Rakowa. Nicholson. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Nick Bradley Oh boy Bradley And that's N-I-K Okay

Someone's fancy Someone's the standout from the pack What would you think about Someone like Nick Bradley going It's Nick Bradley But it's Nick Brad for short? Yeah. Like if that was a first name, no one would have any issue with it.

Well, I'm already having an issue with N-I-K. I'm actually pronouncing it with the C. Right. You've probably noticed that by now. Nick Bradley. Yeah, softened. You can feel the soft-hard combo. A little bit of a choc-chip ice cream sort of feel to it, the way I'm pronouncing it.

So, no offence, but that's the way I think it should be done, Nick. I think most people would agree with you. I think this person is really, honestly, taking the Mick. He is. He's actually, and that's a Mick with a CK. Absolutely. The way God intended. Yeah.

There's no other way. Yeah. Regular on the socials, I've seen this guy. Oh, yeah. Is this short for like, maybe it's short for Nikolai. Nikolai. Oh, yeah. All right. Now we've got cum on our faces.

So we've done a good thing? Yeah, we're wrapped. Oh, great. Because we solved the mystery. Yeah, right. We cracked the code right right they've solved the mystery just like scooby-doo at the end when uh when they they take the sheet off the the the amusement park owner and then he spoofed straight into their

mouth yeah yeah scooby come right on shaggy's little mop yeah i would have gotten away with spoofing all over your face if it wasn't for the mop that i don't know anyway whatever um nicolai having said that you know reverse engineer go back and put a c in nicolai you know if you don't like this country go back to russia that's if you don't want to that's true the way we do things yeah good place to be at the moment i would have thought yeah head over there well you know i can think of a worse place. Yeah, true. The place we're about to fucking invite.

Well, for now. Yeah. Who knows what the future might hold? I don't know. Maybe it's not too bad over there because, you know, I know things are a bit dodgy over there, but they keep voting that bloke in, so they must be happy with it to some degree. Yeah, sure. I mean, I've got a feeling those ballot boxes are slightly infringed upon.

Yeah. And, you know, it's not a huge encouragement to vote for the other bloke when you're getting shot for doing it. Yeah, you've got free will. Yeah. You can make your own choices. Yeah. If you're not into him, just get rid of him.

Should we go political but not Australian political, just go Russian political and just be the guy, the people that say, go out there and vote for the guy that got acid in his hot chocolate. Yep. Vote for whoever these people are getting killed off. I'm sure that'll end well for us. Or if we just became like political mouthpieces for like,

you know, like a dodgy Chinese government or whatever. Oh, yeah. If someone hits us up and goes, look, we want to diversify our propaganda portfolio. We're thinking we want to get a little satellite franchise going in Australia. Yeah. If you guys are just on there, just like pumping up, pumping up the state of the government, we're just like, sure thing.

So, last couple of weeks, this is now what we're at. We want to be sponsored by either a Russian political party, a Chinese political party, or a cab company. And if there's one that fulfills all three, great. If we find out that Silver Top is heavily invested in both the Chinese and Russian governments, fuck, that would be ideal for us. Sure. the Chinese and Russian governments, fuck, that would be ideal for us. Sure, sure. You know what I found out actually the other day is that I went for a show, Troy Kinney that we've had on this episode, and thank you very much, Troy,

for showing me around Phuket, by the way. Yep. Brought me to a few very sweet places I wouldn't have found on my own, so thank you very much for that. But he did tell me that the Thai embassy in Australia is in St Kilda. I didn't know that. I might go down and visit it. I feel like I've been there for some reason.

Really? Yeah, on St Kilda Road? I think so, maybe. Maybe. I did go to an embassy. That might be the one place you can buy Changs at the moment. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've been to an embassy on st kilda road for some kind of visa thing

maybe it was vietnam maybe they're all maybe there's like a bunch of them near each other right because i can't think why if you've never been there i can't think why i would have been yes i agree that way i agree uh what i do like is he told me that when he was like trying to sort out a visa trying to sort out uh some over there. But it was all very complicated because they basically only open one day a week over here, which I'm like very in keeping with Thailand itself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just taking six days off and the rest of the time just one day of work and then fucking around for six days.

Well, I guess if you've never had to have like a, you know, a visa to go there in general, then yeah, what are they doing? I don't know. What are they doing for seven days a week? Yeah, I don't really know what they're doing actually. But you know what? I did have a moment coming back this last night where I got a cab. Got a, oh God, I could have have picked a better cab, but the guy was

pretty keen on me jumping in. I'm like, okay. Jump in his car, piece of shit car. Could have been a nicer car, given that it fucking took me an hour and a half in the car. Didn't realize it was going to take me that long. Also, he then made a detail, instead of going like the main roads, on the way there from the airport to the accommodation, great, coastal trip the whole time, going, what a country.

Yep. This is so good. This way, started going fucking residential streets. Okay. Started going down one-way streets, going down absolute shitholes, added another half an hour to the trip. Yep. Easy.

Very nice. Then took me through a forest and I'm going yeah i'm gonna um just enact the wi-fi here and take a few screenshots and just send off a few little insurance screenshots to my loved ones just in case i'm never found again yeah okay sure very very dark little jungle bit that i went through for no good reason i had that happen in bali i was in it i was in a car like driving up and like it was me going like um quad biking and being picked up at the hotel and then hang on was there a taxi driver quad bike that you would just be driven around on the back of a quad this doesn't feel safe yeah no it was like

i'd booked to do it and they're like we pick you up from the hotel in a bus and then you know we'll do a bunch of other stops at other hotels and like get all people. So no one else, we don't make any other stops and we're just going deeper and deeper into jungle and I'm starting to go, I'm being kidnapped. I start freaking out. And there was a moment where I was like, I'm going to pull the door open and just run. I was genuinely considered.

I was looking around. Because you can get paranoid and go, like you hear a creak in the house and you're like, and then you go, you're being stupid. But then several times in my life I've had the moment where I've crossed over into, this isn't even suspicion anymore. Yeah, yeah. This is happening.

I'm living it. Yeah, well. And thinking about if I had have opened the door and jumped out, that would have been the thing that killed me. Yeah, yeah. Because then I'm stranded in the middle of the bush, in the middle of nowhere, no phone reception. Yeah.

Like, that's so, and like, just trying and, like, just trying to get any bit of service to text people, like, look, I've given up on the idea that anyone can find me. Yeah. But I just want it on the record because it would be a shame for people to not know. Yes. How funny of a death this is. Yes. Exactly.

That was my thing. It's, like, the initial thing of, I can send this off. And then I'm very quickly going, this isn't me being saved. This is being, you know, like, kept for prosperity. Oh, so that's where he died. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is where, this is, I'm going to be one of those roadside trips

where wherever my loved ones ever decide to drive through a jungle in Phuket, they can put a bunch of flowers by the side of the road. Well, they want the closure, because otherwise it's an unsolved mystery. Yeah. Anyway, thanks, Nick Bradley. Nick Bradley. Nick. All right.

We're on the clock now. We had an edit point where the family returned home. Family here. And now we are racing to get these out. Because this is not a G-rated Talking Dumb Dumb. No. I can't have my child around while I'm doing this. They seldom ever are.

Yeah. Let us know if you've ever heard a Talking Dumb Dumb that you think would be appropriate to play for a child. Yeah. If there's a Talking Dumb Dumb, you could play on a plane. Yeah. With no problem. Thank you very much to Third Cab Potential.

No, Sponsorship Opportunity right there. Third Cab off the rank this week, Patrick Woods. Let me say, an absolute treat to have a CK in that, Patrick. Oh, yes. Yeah, you love CK, don't you? Love it. Yeah. Love his work.

No. Both on and off the stage. Got a picture of you and him together, Tommy. I sure do. Yeah, it's out there. Yeah. Simpler times, my friend. Simpler times.

And what he's doing in front of you in the picture is, in my opinion, disgusting. Oh, you mean watching me jack off? Yeah. Is that where he got the idea? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a hack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The classic move. You come out to another country, you see some open micers, you steal their gear and take it up to the big stages across the world. Franchising your material. That's it. Patrick Woods. Well, yeah, I was in the woods last night, a little bit worried,

and then I absolutely got out of there. And everything was not Rick there for a minute. Everything was not Patrick. Oh, right. Oh, right. Oh, nice. This guy's got it all. Yeah. He's also got a very tenuous link to this thing I wanted to plug.

Oh, right. So I'm going to bring it up. There we go. Patrick Woods reminds me a little bit of a new podcast that I'm doing called Hollywood Phonies. Oh, there we go. There we go. Look, if there's a better one to wedge it into, I'll eat my hat.

I thought it was going to be worse than that, to be honest. Oh, mate, getting the name Woods is like a fucking manna from heaven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a new pod that I'm doing with a friend of the show, Adam Knox, and our friend Ben Vannell, who I do filthy casuals with. And we find the fake movies that pop up in the real movies, and then we riff out the plot to those fake movies and make them real over the course of an hour.

Season one, out now. Wow. Well, two episodes of season one out now. So get on the podcast apps. We're on. What's an example of a fake movie, Tommy? So first episode we do, the gangster film from Home Alone. You know, the thing that he's watching on the VHS.

Is that fake? I thought that was real. It's fake. They made it for that. Okay. So first episode's that. Second episode is Sack Lunch from Seinfeld. Ah, yeah.

So that kind of thing. Right. Bit of set dressing in a movie. Sometimes there'll be a little clip. Sometimes there'll just be a stupid looking poster. I don't think I remember Sack Lunch. We extrapolate out the details that we've got from whatever you see in the thing and we use that as the basis to.

Yeah, Rochelle Rochelle, another one. Like Channel. Channel's another greatelle, another one. Like, Channel. Channel's another great Seinfeld one. Okay. What about... This doesn't really work, I guess. You could do Leonard 1 through till 5. Remember that movie?

Leonard 6? Yeah. Leonard Part 6. I don't know what that is. You've never heard of that? No. Bill Cosby movie. At the height of his success...

Ooh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Made a movie called Leonard Part that? No. Bill Cosby movie. At the height of his success. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Made a movie called Leonard Part Six. Okay. And played a superhero. And the joke being there's no one to five. Okay.

But are they in some ways vaguely referenced? Other than there's assumed knowledge of like this is like a famous. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, that's not bad. We could do that. Maybe a bit of a stretch.

We also want to do, you know the film Mank that's about the person who wrote Citizen Kane? We want to just do an episode where we pretend that we don't know that Citizen Kane is a real movie. Right. And so we're doing the film. And so it's like this week, the film that he's writing in Mank, it's about a fucking cunt who owns a newspaper. What's going on there? Ah, yes. So just try and riff out the plot of the film that they're writing in Mank, it's about a fucking cunt who owns a newspaper. What's going on there? So just try and riff out the plot of the film that they're writing in Mank,

which is Citizen Kane, but under the assumed knowledge that we don't. We just assume they've made up that film for that film. There's probably a good ratio of the three of you that haven't seen that movie. I think we've all seen it. You have? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm in the weird category where I haven't seen Mank. Right, right, right.

But, yeah, we've got a few under the belt. They've been fun to do. Tell you what, already thought there were a lot out there. And then we had the idea. And then the next six films I watched had fake films in them. Wow. So it's one of those things where once you're into it, you're noticing it everywhere.

And the thing that got me into it, Patrick Woods. I saw that name and I thought Woods there's something in this Hollywood a podcast about Hollywood maybe could be an untapped market wow geez

that's a well if this podcast thinks this is on you Patrick yeah exactly if it doesn't hit fresh on Rotten Tomatoes yep

you're either a genius or a fucking cunt so there you go this is not a G rated episode thank god you're either a genius or a fucking cunt. So there you go. This is not a G-rated episode. Thank God you're family around. Blanket clutching her pearls when she heard that.

Yeah. Well, the other point is they came in. Yeah, it's been a bit of a rough one. You know what I've been doing? I've been recording because of the time difference. Blanket wakes up, calls for me, and then, don't say her name, tries to video call me. Yep. And that's it.

Because of the time difference, that's 3.30 a.m. in Phuket. But you're still out living it up. You're at a phone party. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Surrounded by 20-year-olds. Yeah. And, yeah, I'm like, fuck, that good i can't i can't do any more of them so then i've been you know what i've been doing pre-recording yeah yeah not bad doing a one-sided

conversation oh and been working i don't know whether that says depressing i don't know whether that says uh how good i am or how dumb blanket is but uh it, but it's coming off an absolute treat. Wow. So I'm doing a bit of, oh, how did you – did you have a good sleep? Oh, that's great. You know what? She's like, no, not at all. You're like, oh, that's so good.

You're doing that thing that I know we both hate, the people who have the fake – like the voicemail greeting. Oh, yes. Where they pretend they've got you on the phone. G'day, mate. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sounds good. What are you up to?

Oh, mate, I love to hear it. Yeah. No, anyway, this is just a recording. Leave a message. Dee Thornton. Dee Thornton. I've been tricked by that more times than I care to admit. Yes.

Yeah, me too. Absolutely. Yeah, so anyway, that's been going good. She's just come home going oh my god daddy's home after one week I'm like yeah after the podcast

if you can just fuck off for a minute it was fucking it was beautiful to see her so happy to see you and you so happy to see her I was like this is such a nice moment

but then in the back of my head I was like oh she's going to be yanked awake and in like two minutes time we've got a podcast more importantly you're like

yeah this is great but very heartfelt but I've got shit to do so if you can have this fucking loving embrace in about fucking 20 minutes that'd really help

me out I gotta head to the Langham and not create one of these do my best to avoid this Hollywood phone is

available now on all the podcast apps go check it out but thank you Patrick Woods. Did you pay for him? Is this a real person? This is a pseudonym.

This is me, Ben, and Noxy going in thirds on a subscription to this Patreon. From about 18 months ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had the idea a while ago. Slow burn. Yeah, we didn't want to do it in lockdowns. We wanted to do it in the room. But yeah, Woods is a classic.

He's at a certain age where, you know, it's bully central. Right. He's at a certain age. No, well, like the name Wood. At a certain age becomes that, yes. Having the name Wood at a certain age, as we talk about a lot, schoolmates logging on, pardon the pun, and your life just becoming a living hell.

Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah because they're saying oh you james woods brother haha yeah yeah exactly famous actor james from that episode of the simpsons yeah what do you what when he works in the quickie mart yeah yeah and then and then he's the he's the principal of the school in family got what was going on with fox animated series and being like, James Woods. The funniest cunt to have in a cartoon playing himself. What's going on there? Did he play James? Was he himself?

He's a recurring character. The high school is named after him. And I believe he's the principal maybe? Oh, okay. Yeah, that is weird. That Family Guy would copy Simpsons in some way. That's weird.

But also, the strange thing even, like The Simpsons doing it, where I'm of an age where I only really know James Woods is from The Simpsons. What was his big thing? Like, why is he on their radar? Well, he was in quite a few movies. Like, he was in a bunch of movies, but there weren't any, like, spectacular movies that hold up now that's what yeah that's what i mean it's like a funny guy who his legacy is just like purely simpsons yeah well to your generation maybe yeah yeah i mean to be fair even in my

generation i'm like what's a movie he was in and my and my the one i can name right now is not a great movie the hard way okay with michael j, where he's basically playing a parody of himself where he's like a hard-bitten cop and then Michael Jackson, Michael J. Fox, is just like, you know, basically Marty McFly,

some dumb fuck being like, and James Wood's like, oh, I gotta fuck and he's my new partner. Oh, fuck, man, and his hands are shaking crazy. How's he gonna pull the trigger on a gun? Oh, my God.

Yeah. Well, hey, that's the movie, not me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure. Don't blame me. Don't shoot the messenger, which ironically is what he did, Michael J. Fox, in that movie because of his conditions. But sorry, anyway.

By accident. Yeah. But thanks, Patrick Woods, for providing Tommy with an ad. Next cab off the rank. Thank you very much. To Jonathan Filthy Catch. Oh, wow. You've actually paid for another one.

It's another review of your podcast. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Maggie Pitts. Okay. Not a great review, but anyway. I'm really glad. Impartial, I guess, is what you can say about this. Patrick Wood's coming up and me going, I'm going to jump on this one because I could hold out.

Maybe there'll be a better one, but I've just got an inkling. Thank God I didn't hold out. Well, I could know what I could do. Maggie Pitts, Brad Pitt. Oh, okay. Hollywood phonies available now wherever you get your podcasts. Okay. Yeah.

No, Woods was a better one. Yeah. Yeah. Maggie the Pitts. There you go. You never caught that one before. Yeah. P-I-T-T-S.

Ah, right. So, yeah yeah the plural she's from the pits family yeah same as brad and uh yeah we're talking about his brother the other week on the show is it yeah something like that the guy that they had in the vodafone ads isn't that isn't that you know good and bad like you go you've got you've got the same surname as like the the you know we'll go down as the one of the biggest hunks in Hollywood history. And then, to be honest, I looked at that name straight away and still went, nah, the pits. Or armpits.

Suck shit. You know what's tough though is like, say you're a hunk, right? You're a Hollywood hunk. Straight out of the gate, you get a lot of easy recognition because you're hot. You don't have to be in great films because you're new. It's enough to just pop up in the background of a couple of things here and there. But then now there's enough hunks that have also then just made

great decisions where they've got a fantastic CV. I'm talking your Leonardo DiCaprio's, your Brad Pitt's. They both make really good decisions. They could be in anything and they pick the good ones. So if you're a hot guy, the pressure's mounting because it's it's not just like oh hot guys are only ever in shit movies and just be hot it doesn't matter yeah you've also got to have some you've also got to have some nuance that's almost a more interesting character is like the hot guy who's just crashed and burned was jerry o'connell that at one point uh i mean because he had a pathway where he's like fat kid

in stand by me then he's then he's a bit older you's like, fat kid in Stand By Me. Then he's a bit older. You know, people are like, this guy's a bit hot. Makes the film Tomcats. Everyone's like, not for us, thanks. Yeah, look, you'd have more of a gauge on him. I think he was... He's probably a little bit past the time where I gave a fuck about stuff like that. I didn't really follow his career or whatever.

I knew he was in Sliders. Tom Katz is like 2002 or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew Sliders. I barely knew he was in Oh! Was he in It? The original It? Yeah, maybe. That would make sense.

That's sort of a similar era to Stand By Me. Yeah. I can see them wanting a little fat kid to be in a horror movie. Maybe I'm just mixing up Stand By Me and It because Stand By Me could really easily turn into It. Don't you think? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Totally. Well, they're going to try and find a dead body. Yeah. And you think, God, this is going to kick off. Yeah. And then it's just like, oh, well, we all learned something about the nature of friendship. Because it's written by the same person, isn't it?

Yeah. It's both Stand By Me. Yeah. Yeah. You set it in Maine. All of a sudden, you's written by the same person, isn't it? Yeah. It's both distinct. Yeah. You said it in Maine. All of a sudden, you know, fucking the tree comes to life and fucking eats Jerry O'Connell. Boom, there you go. Yep.

That's something. I love Stand By Me. I have a very vivid memory of my ex-girlfriend that I lived with. We'd just broken up. She'd just moved out. I'm in the house by myself. I've gone down to the milk bar to get a golden gay time. I've come back. I'm just channel surfing by myself. I've gone down to the milk bar to get a golden gay time. I've come back.

I'm just channel surfing. Stand By Me is just starting on Channel 7. I'm there in the summer. I'm watching Stand By Me. I've got a golden gay time, and I just remember thinking, everything's going to be all right. Oh, right. Yeah.

Who needs her? Me and the fellas just going to find a dead body. Yeah. Not a woman in sight. These guys have got it all figured out. You know what? You know what I didn't do on the trip to Thailand this time? I usually love going through the dairy section at the 7-Elevens

because everything's... It's truly that thing where here in Australia, you want to try a drumstick, new flavour drumstick. You go, it's five bucks. What if it's no good? Fuck that. I went in on a splice the other night. Yeah.

Fuck me, they've gotten small. Yes. Especially the ice cream bit, which is, you know, I assume the most expensive part. The rest of it's just fucking ice. Yeah. And that was always,

the joy of it was the interplay between the textures and the flavours. Right. But now you're like, this is an icy pole with just a fucking slight dollop of cream in there. It's no good. I wonder if someone's, you know, Now you're like, this is an icy pole with just a fucking slight dollop of cream in there. It's no good.

I wonder if someone's saved all the ice creams from 25 years ago and can just pull them out now and like, let's compare them to the ones of today. An ice cream museum would be pretty great. Yeah. They're just there in the case and there's just like the fucking liquid nitrogen. And all the kids are walking and going, oh my God, can you believe how big Paddle Pops used to be? Yeah. Fucking hell. I mean, look, I get it. That Paddle Pops used to be? Yeah. Fucking hell.

I mean, look, I get it. That's what happens. I'm fine with the slice shrinking down as long as it was all consistent. It's the fact that the ratios changed that annoys me. The whole thing was like 75% smaller, but you were still getting the same, you know, the ratio was intact. Right. Wouldn't bother me as much.

Right. But no, it's like, they're just going, no, we're not fucking paying these cunts at Baller for any more ice cream than we need. Yeah. So, drumsticks are about five bucks here as much. Right. But no, it's like they're just going, no, we're not fucking paying these cunts at Baller for any more ice cream than we need. Yeah. So drumsticks are about five bucks here. Yep. Thailand drumsticks are about... Let me guess.

80 cents? No, no, no. Not that bad. They were about $1.30 or something like that. That's all right. $1.30. That's pretty good. So the cost where you can just get it and take one bite and go,

not for me, chuck it away. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Yeah. Yep. Bang. No loss. You do that sort of stuff. So you know what?

In preparation of me going to Thailand this time, I really tried to cut down on all the eating bullshit. So I could drop a few kegs, go, you know what? I can now afford to put those kegs on over there, eat whatever the fuck I want, which I basically did but you know i did you were down to just having two pizzas a day yeah out the front of my house yeah and then a cookie instead of that plus then a pad tie yes and a third cookie and an ice cream exactly and i did them in the middle of the day instead of just before i went to bed yes so you know the good time to eat two pieces yeah um so

i did all that and by doing that i weaned myself off chocolate, which I'm a big sweet tooth. Yep. Didn't do chocolate for maybe three weeks before I went there. You know what? I broke it. I broke myself. I'm off it now. I went over there and I went to get ice creams and went, no, I don't want this.

Yeah, right. Never had it happen before. That's a drug addiction, my friend. Yeah. Yeah. I've done cold turkey. Yeah. I've had that every now and then where I drink a coffee every morning just as the default.

It's like, no, wake up, get a coffee. Yeah. And then every now and then if I've been really sick, you just don't feel like it. And if you just try and stop generally, your body's used to the caffeine and the sugar and whatever. Yeah. But then I've had weeks where I've been sick, no coffee, and I go, I'm off it. I'm free.

I could just live a new life now. Yeah. But then I just can't help myself. I'm like, well, now that I'm clean, I wonder what it'd be like. I mean, that's why people overdose, right? Like they're off it. Yeah. And they're like, ah, just one more.

And they go back to like what they were previously on. And it's like the body can't hack it. Fuck. Okay. So does that mean if I – You look like a – what's the light bulb does that well does that mean that's why my uncle died if that's if that if that's how it works does that mean if i go and get a billabong now i'm gonna fucking die because i'm completely clean from i i genuinely would say if you've been offered and you've been off the sugar you would go fucking mental i reckon yeah well you know what i'm not off the sugar, you would go fucking mental, I reckon. I reckon you'd be soaring.

I'm not off the sugar. Okay. Right, well, but still. Because what I have been pounding the- The Cokes? No. Thai milk tea, which I'm an absolute demon for. God, there's probably about eight teaspoons of sugar in that bad boy.

Yes, exactly. Exactly. But off the chocolate. So I was in the counter like all week where I'm going, in the ice cream counter going, I was in the counter like all week where I'm going, in the ice cream counter going, fuck, there's like hundreds and thousands rainbow flavored like Cornettos and drumsticks over there. There's a strawberry cheesecake one. I'm like, four weeks ago, I would have fucking inhaled three of these.

But you just didn't have the- I'm sitting there going, I can't do it. Couldn't muster up the love for it. I picked one up. I went, I'm going to go and buy this. And then went, nah, I got to put it down again. Yep. I reckon in three weeks when I relapse, I'm going to go and buy this. And then went, nah, I got to put it down again. Yep. I reckon in three weeks when I relapse, I'm going to be fucking kicking myself.

You'll have to get an importer. I'll have to go back. Yeah. Finally a reason to go back. She'll be back. Well, thanks, Maggie Pitts. Thanks, Pizzo. What, yeah, being off chocolate is the Pitts. Is that a thing?

Yep. Maggie, I like Maggie. Yeah, great. Maggie's a nice Maggie. Yeah, great Maggie. Maggie's a nice name. Margaret. Not so much. Not for that.

All right. Well, let's do one more. My kid is going to be back. I've weaned my kid off. I gave her two little presents when she was here. Thought that'd keep her happy enough. Enough.

Enough. In one of my pre-recorded calls that I made to her when I pretended I was talking to her in the morning, I'd made the very bad mistake of, I recorded it at night when I'd got home from a big day out. Okay. And I did the fatal flaw of, I did a very enthusiastic hello and conversation back and forth.

And my wife said in the morning, you did a great job because she really thought she was having a conversation with you. Oh, you gave her a few steps. It was all great. Yeah. It killed. it was great yep but the floor i did which i didn't realize until i watched it back the next day because i was pissed was that i'm saying oh when i come back i'm gonna i've got all these presents for you and whatever you know i did pulled out one of the fucking presents showed it so then of course to a three-year-old she's gone that's great i want it now yep and it's

like well there's no having it now i'm on the phone you don't get it now yeah i'm not even on the phone yeah i'm asleep this is a video yeah yeah so then she's like going where's where's my where's where's my dress for the last four days so she that's all she's been talking about this dress so i've given her the dress she's gone out in the dress I've given her a pussycat hat yep very cute hat when she comes back

she's getting what's she getting she's getting pyjamas she's getting a new t-shirt she's getting a bunch of stupid weird looking lollies and chocolates

from the 7-Eleven great that she can't get here uh so what else she got maybe one other thing I can't remember

anyway so that's she's coming back for that it's all happening soon we've just got to we've got? Maybe one other thing. I can't remember. Anyway, so that's... It's all happening soon. We've just got to... We've just got to do... We've got time for one more. One more. And then we go.

All right. Thank you very much. Your Patreon subscriber... Oh, another one's popped in here. Wow. Is there any real subscribers this week? Thank you very much to Do Not Listen to Hollywood Phonies Comedy.

Oh, wow. Wow. There's been an anti-ad put in there. Because there is a podcast called Hollywood Phonies Comedy. Oh, wow. Wow, there's been an anti-ad put in there. Because there is a podcast called Hollywood Phonies Comedy. Right. That's our nemesis podcast. We just decided to start ours up in direct opposition to them. I agree.

Don't listen to the podcast called Hollywood Phonies Comedy. But do listen to the comedy podcast called Hollywood Phonies. I was going to say, Hollywood Phonies isn't comedy because they've made a direct sort of addition. Well, no, we were going to call ours Hollywood Phonies Comedy because we were like, well, it's a comedy podcast. But then we looked it up and they've beaten us to the nut. Oh, right.

So we're like, we'll just call... They're the original. Because theirs is in the true crime section of Apple Podcasts. Hang on, what? They're true crimes, but they're called Hollywood Phonies Comedy. I don't know what the podcast is actually about. Right. But it's a true crime podcast called Hollywood... So so we were like we'll just call ours hollywood phonies and put it in the comedy section they think all the deaths that happen are funny yeah that's their angle yeah exactly instead of like being all serious

and going i wonder who did it and oh my god they're like some gets their head chopped off and like ha ha yeah yeah eat shit yeah yeah right, I might listen to that podcast. Yeah, I would urge you not to because as this- Well, so does this. You've just gotten a direction. Subscribe to us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But do listen to- Do go into the comedy section and listen to Hollywood Phonies.

Okay. But fuck the gentleman over at Hollywood Phonies Comedy. Okay. Oh, so you- Fuck them. So did you- Again, is this an ad you put in? Yeah. Do not listen to Hollywood- Yeah. All right. Okay, okay. Listen to mine. Don't listen to you again is this an ad you put in do not listen to all right okay okay

listen to mine don't listen to theirs okay so you put two ads in yeah right this way okay all right great happy valentine's day everyone yes happy valentine's day i hope you got a

rainbow dress and a cat hat and some sort of weird tie versions of chuppa chups for your loved ones yep just like i have yep thanks for listening thanks for supporting the show see

you next time bye cup and cup