The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 595 - Chris Franklin & Dave O'Neil

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

We're up late in the basement with CHRIS "THE BLOKE" FRANKLIN this week, and even DAVE O'NEIL has been convinced to have a beer. We get deeper into Chris' fascinating life including cooking in the navy, saving the lives of multiple people, and mastering table tennis. PLUS we find out who would fare best in prison out of Tommy, Dave and Karl AND we talk about the hot new band on everyone's lips: The Angels! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Chris Franklin and Dave O'Neill. If you are in Adelaide and you are listening to this hot off the presses, we are there this Saturday, 3.30pm at the Rhino Room. Tickets shifting, but of course, there are still a few left on the table. Adelaide, do your magic. And by magic, I mean basic incompetence up until about four days out. And then you go, oh, well, well, well, there are tickets left. Yeah. Who would have guessed it? The sleeper agents in Adelaide.

This is the activation code word. Four days to go. Wake up, cunt. Yeah, where you reanimate and you get on the website. Go to littledumbdumbclub.com. Get your tickets. We've got some great guests lined up. It is going to be a lot of fun.

And then, of course, we have our shows in Melbourne. We have the big 500th slash 600th combined episode at the Athenaeum, April the 2nd. It's going to be huge. Then we kick on and we do 9th, 16th, and 23rd at the smaller venue, European Beer Cafe. So get on to all of those tickets. Melbourne, you've got four slash five chances to come and see us.

They're all going to be crackers. Adelaide, get your skates on. Do it right now. And look, we'll talk a little bit more about all this sort of junk at the end. Yeah, littledumbdumbclub.com for tickets. Enjoy this new episode with Chris Franklin and Dave O'Neill. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dumb Dumb Club for another week.

Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. Go, Dickhead. Joining us tonight, two very special guests burning the midnight oil. We have Dave O'Neill and Chris Franklin. Hey, poofs. Yeah, I'm here. We are racing you against the clock in many ways.

It's a late night podcast where everyone wants to get home to bed. Milan is outside us trying to buy shots for us and we're trying to get this done before he completely fucks everyone up. I mean, I mean. And Chris Franklin's been drinking for about 17 hours, so we've got to get words out of him before they stop coming out of him. Oh, my God.

This could be the shortest episode we've ever done. This could rival the Pablo Francisco episode. Well, I'm hoping that Dave O'Neill, a teetotaler, sort of levels it out. Maybe these two can, like... Yes, I'm drinking a beer. But O'Neill's got teetotaler, sort of levels it out. Maybe these two can like... I'm drinking a beer. Dave O'Neill's got a beer. Can I just point out that I used that word,

in a Times crossword. Words are big. Just to make shit fit. Was it the wordle today, was it? Was it the wordle? Does that fit into five characters? You came in to where we're recording at the European Beer Cafe Chris and you said

basement comedy club you said later on after we do the podcast I think the angels are going to come down not the band well I

no I thought he meant the hell's angels I was like fuck we'd better do a good podcast I thought you meant the band I thought you meant

you've got a death wish I've had that many beers tonight I'm finally going home. I'll get the Comancheros. The band? Yeah. So what, the Brewster Brothers?

Yeah, they played at the casino tonight. I was playing in South Melbourne. I texted Dave Gleeson, who's singing for them. He's a singer, yeah. He's from Screaming Jets, isn't he? I said, what's going on? Let's catch up and he said why catch up

with the Angels when you've got the little dum-dum club to catch up with he's standing outside with Milan at the moment I said fucking just wait out there

while we do this fuck we'll see if they who's going to survive that that duo because the Angels are so old their show is from 7.30 till 9 o'clock.

Fair enough. Oh, man, I've interviewed the Brewster brothers and they are old. Yeah, yeah. 60s. Yeah, yeah. They're in their 60s. They are old.

I mean, half of our listenership has turned off the podcast. They're Googling the Angels. As if you've got any 20-year-olds listening. As if. Oh, no. I've seen your audience. They'd know the Angels. Well, maybe. They would have grown up with the-olds listening. As if. I know. I've seen your audience. They'd know the Angels.

Well, maybe. They would have grown up with the Angels. Maybe. Not quite. Not quite. It's very clear that Carl wants to get off this tact of the Angels. You'd remember the Angels, wouldn't you, Dad? I'm not hiding it.

Angels are like pre... No, I'm not really familiar. I know who they are, but I'm not like... No way, get fucked. Fuck off. That's the Angels. Yeah, I was going to make a reference to that before, but then I thought I probably got the band wrong,

and I'm going to fuck it. Something about Milan saying, no way, you rat can't fuck off. No, the thing that they're known more... The thing that they're known most for is a thing that they didn't even do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically they got heckled like that.

Well, the audience. Yeah. Saddest point is that song's about a friend of the band's that died. Oh, really? Well, now I'm back in. Now I'm in the agency. Am I ever going to see your face again

to a dear friend? And the whole audience yells out, no way. I'm into it. Yeah, that's good. Every band that has a sad song about someone they know passing away, that should be the rule of the audience, just to go, your friend sounds like a cunt. Yeah, exactly.

If it was like My Heart Will Go On, no, it won't. You're dead, cunt. Yes, I'm into it. Not enough room on that door, you fucking moron. Yeah, bring it in any time you've seen someone do a sad song. But not just you. It needs to be like a universal. They're making a Celine Dion movie.

Oh, really? In what way? But they're not calling it Celine. They're calling it whatever her Spanish name is and not saying it's... It's like the rose for Bette Midler. El Celine. Oh.

Yeah. Right. Someone's been to Canada recently. Yeah. I'll tell you that at the airport when you hear... Got any news on Brian Adams or the Bare Naked Ladies? I wouldn't have picked that that information would ever come up on this podcast. And I absolutely wouldn't have picked it from you, Chris Franklin.

Me and Brian Adams are writing the soundtrack for this movie. Well, you have been. Loverboy, they're Canadian too. Oh, what a great song. Everyone's working for the weekend. Everybody's working for the weekend. It's a banger. Have they got any others?

No. Turn Me Loose. I want to do it my way. Why don't you turn me loose? Ugh. Turn me loose. Ugh. We're back at the angels game.

I wasn't going to do the second Turn Me Loose until you went, ugh. Now I believe you. We don't have any listeners that are in the 20s anymore. It's rare that you have a podcast recording in a basement that's talking about the same songs that the cover band Two Levels are playing on Saturday night. We are literally in a basement. We're below the basement.

We've gone four stairs down from there. Sub-basement. They're Christmas decorations. The Christmas tree is wrapped up in glad wrap. Yeah, in glad wrap for some reason. Does this stay here like this all year, Carl?

It does. Just on ice? I think Chappelle Corby tried to bring that to Bali for some reason, that Christmas tree. I love the man, there's a manhole

if you happen to have fritchels down there. There is genuinely, I had to put in a request. So this is officially the green room for Basement Comedy Club and I had to officially

put in a proper request for a manhole cover because there's literally a hole is officially the green room for Basement Comedy Club and I had to officially put in a proper request for a manhole cover because there's literally a hole there in our green room that goes down 10 feet really?

it's like a proper I've seen down there it's like a proper drain could you have put in a request for one that fits because that's sort of hanging

over the side there well there used to be one you'd stand on and it would move it used to be good because you know I'm notoriously book people late in the gig and I could always yell down and get Splinter to come up and do a spot. Part of the cave plan lives down there.

You have been drinking for a while today, Chris, which is notoriously you, and that's all well and dandy and that's fine. You did just do – we're recording this directly after a basement comedy club show on a Saturday night. You closed out the show. And it was a telltale sign, like, you know, because you are a very seasoned drinker. So it's not like you're a – An amateur.

Yeah, you're no amateur. A two-pot screamer. Exactly. So it's hard to tell – I do this for a living. Yes. It's hard to tell when you've been drinking, to be honest. Until tonight when you walked out and one of the opening things you said is you said,

yeah, I had six drinks tonight in Melbourne. And like, yeah, cunt, we're all in Melbourne. What are you talking about? Didn't I actually say that? You said that, yeah. That's how drunk I am because I had no idea that I was in Melbourne. That's where we are now, Chris, sorry. You thought we'd flown to Tasmania To do this with you We're in Launceston

This looks like So many basements I've been in Are there any basements in Launceston Fucking hell Yeah Oh god There'd be sex dungeons Wouldn't there in Launceston

We call them basements Yeah Where did you get here Chris When did you get here You've only been here for a few hours I arrived at 5.20 I did the show at 7.30 In South Melbourne At the Rubber Chicken You've only been here for a few hours haven't you? I arrived at 5.20 I did the show at 7.30

in South Melbourne at the Rubber Chicken you've raced up here raced up here and just absolutely smashed the show here

yeah you did you killed smashed it it was great you did very well you opened with some funny material about your

partner being in hospital in Canada and we thought fuck he's he's opened boldly here. He really is too drunk. You did. You're a short, sharp, snappy joke teller and then you open with five minutes of run-up about how desperately ill your partner is in a one-room.

Ten minutes from death. Jesus Christ. To make it worse, I'd done similar material earlier about my partner in hospital. Right. Now, Chris, you were on the show a few months ago.

You did a live episode. A few months ago? A year ago? Well... Basically, yeah. It was last comedy fair. Yeah, okay. Ten months ago.

That's a few. With Dave O'Neill. Yeah, I remember. Yep. And Tommy Bellard That's it We got through A lot of

We got through A lot of your Personal history At the time But we I mean I feel like We got so many of The greatest hits

Of Chris Franklin But we still barely Scratched the surface We need the B-sides now No No you're still The album of rarities Often they're good

Often the rarities Are the best thing They're not It's like the rarities are the best thing. It's like the Beatles. It's like the Beatles, they're double A-sides. They're not B-sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like Strawberry Fields Forever was on the other side of... Mate, you were going to ask about the angels,

and you took it out of the Beatles. I love a band, too, that does one album and then goes, now it's time for a B-sides compilation. Second album in. Strawberry Fields Forever was on the other side of Penny Lane. Yeah, that's a good double A-side. That's a good double A. That's what we're doing. Do you know, right at the in. Strawberry Fields Forever was on the other side of Penny Lane. Yeah, that's a good double A. That's a good double A. That's what we're doing.

Do you know, right at the end of Strawberry Fields, if you're into the conspiracy theories that Paul McCartney died and they got a substitute in. Back when conspiracy theories were cute and fun. Yeah, that's one of the best. Back before smartphones. Yes. When you could disprove conspiracy theories. Back before people

marched on Parliament House in Canberra to prove that Paul McCartney's dead. And spent eight hours in the sun and then claimed they got radiation burns. If you listen to the end of Strawberry Fields, you'll hear John Lennon say, I buried Paul. Can you really? We should leak a conspiracy

theory like that about this podcast. Yeah, let's do it right now. That I died in 2015. Yeah, yeah. And you just got everything since then has just been a replacement. You went scouring for Tommy Dasolo. Yeah, yeah. Who would have replaced you? Who would have replaced you?

Oh, just some poor random little fucking chimney sweep cunt. Some little fucking lesbian who you've pulled in. The Dumb Dumb Club was originally on Analog, you know that, don't you? Yeah, back in the old days. Well, it's been going long enough, yeah, for sure. What about, well, here's the thing that I definitely had on my list of last time you were on the podcast that we didn't go across. Here we go.

No, no, no, this is all good. This is, unless you want to go into the bad stuff, but happy to do that. You weren't drunk enough last time. Maybe I can slide through the bad stuff this time. I did eat a cookie last time. That's right. You tried to get me to eat a cookie and then I find out it's a hash cookie afterwards and I was like, fuck, I would

not have been equipped for that. Can I just say, half an hour after that podcast, I was fucked up. I was well aware because I went to say to you, well done, thanks for the pod. You were great and you were like, whoa. Who are you and why are you yelling at me? Someone passed out in that gig too.

That was a great show. It was really hot and the air conditioning was broken. We got to the end of the gig and the ambulance had to come. Yeah, yeah. You got in the back of the ambulance just for the fun. Yeah, I remember it. You might as well take me. No, they walked in and looked at him and went,

it's obviously him. We'll just grab him. Yeah, yeah. Frequent flyer. No, but so now I know the rough outline of this. Now, you used to be in the Navy, didn't you? Correct, yes. And you were a cook. Were you a cook in the Navy, didn't you? Correct, yes. And you were a cook.

Were you a cook in the Navy? Yeah, a chef. A chef. Oh, well, la-di-da. Sorry, Mr. Ramsey. I'll tell you how it works. You join the Navy as a cook. If you do four years in the Navy, that's the equivalent of an apprenticeship.

So when you discharge from the Navy, you have a chef's qualification. You're an actual chef. It's a trade. It's a trade. But you're fucking two weeks behind all the chefs that have done a proper apprenticeship because you've only been in the Navy. Yeah, right. And also you're only, I guess, cooking fish.

There's not much you can really do. No, you peel potatoes a lot, don't you? A lot of peeling potatoes? Yeah, yeah. And fish lasagna. That's great. Four years of peeling potatoes. Guess what?

You're a chef. Now you can work at Vudamon. Did you do any submarine work? Were you in a submarine? Fuck that. Submariners are fucked up people. I love this. I think Dave's asking,

did you then take your chef qualification to become a sandwich artist at Submarine? Subway. That's what I meant. Submarine way. Doing footlongs. It's the kind of submarine that Dave's actually interested in. Sorry, that's what I meant. Ironically, they asked me to do a McHappy Day at McDonald's, and I said, this is the first time this restaurant's ever had a chef in it.

I did McHappy Day once in Deer Park, and the guy put me on the drinks on the drive-thru. You know you're supposed to give your food to other people, right? I just thought I'd get free food. And two different people came through in their cars and looked at me and said, oh, are you working here now, mate? I don't know.

Yeah, good. How's your career going? Fucking McHappy Day, right? You know what I'm genuinely proud of my mates now don't think I'm on the doll like they've now sort of figured out

you're making a living yeah that I'm making a living yeah that's cool so you don't like submarine people is that a rivalry they're weird they're weird

that's great I love this sort of stuff like in comedy you know we would say musical comedians musical comedians well even like magicians improv so you've got In comedy, we would say we would look down on... Musical comedians. Musical comedians.

Well, even like... Magicians. Improv. Improv. Magician. Improv, for sure. So you've got Navy v. submarine people. Submariners and naval personnel who've chosen to be fucking two kilometres under the water. They're below.

Cowardice. You've still got the option to hop up on the sun deck. If we get hit by a torpedo, we're on the surface. Yeah, you're right. They've got two kilometres to go before. Right. And there is... They're in the basement of the ocean.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty well where we are now, but it's wet. Yeah. Yeah. But they probably, they'd look down, ironically enough, on the Navy people. No, they wouldn't.

Because they're like, we're going mental down here. No, they look up at us and go, I wish I was them. Where's the more bastardisation going on? There's half as many beds on a submarine as there is crew. So someone gets out of a bed to go to work and someone else gets in it. They had to fight every night for a bed. You've just got to hope they didn't have a wank before you got in it. A shit bed. They had to fight every night for a bed. You've just got to hope they didn't have a wank before you got in there.

Oh jeez. And if they didn't you have the wank. And also like fuck if there's a lot of that going on there's no doors you can sort of open

to let the smell out or anything like that. There's a lot of wanking in Daz Boot isn't there? You can't open the vent in a submarine. There's not much

airing of anything out. Just like just the idea that you're down there, it's like, God, this dank, depressing environment surrounded by other men is making me horny. I'd love a wanker. But also, no airing out. You walk into a submarine and go, what a cum, Dan. You know what turns me on?

Nearly having the bends. God, I could fire one off right now. When I was in the Navy in the 80s, there was one, we call it the tunnel. It's a huge cylinder where you learn as a submariner when you do the course to not get the bends as you're heading to the surface. Right. So they let you out at the bottom, you go up, and there's clearance divers that just punch you in the stomach

to let the air out because you've got to breathe out continually. Brutal? Is this real? Yeah, this is real. Does this happen to anyone else or just you? No, I was never a submariner. I can punch twice. I tried to be a submariner, but on the way up,

I punched a few clearance divers in the head. Right. I love the idea of a man who's had scooby going, I can't get the bends, that would be undercutting. So the only one of these tunnels when I was in the 80s was in England and no one wanted to be a submariner. So to encourage them to be a submariner, you got to go to England to do the course, and you got a ticket home to Australia via anywhere in the world.

Great. That was the ticket. Yeah. Yeah. And most of us were smart enough to go, get fucked, we're not doing that. But now they've got one of those tanks in Western Australia, so the fuckwits are just fucking going over the lake. What sort of person, like, so goes, maybe turns down the Navy to go submarine?

Like, is that people that have really not much going on? It's the same service. So the submariners are part of the Navy. But there must be a cliche where it's like, oh, they're a bit weird. They seem a bit weird. They're a bit submarine.

It's not a cliche. They're just fuckwits. Hello to the submariners listening. I know there's a lot. They're just fuckwits. Hello to the submariners listening. I know there's a lot. If there is any submariners listening, I'll fucking fire you.

Yeah, right, right. Well, we get a lot of truck drivers and people that are doing long distance that listen to us because they load up these pods,

go for the long drive or whatever. Surely we've got some submariners taking down a couple of months worth of pods. Someone on periscope duty right now

with the air pods in like, this is bullshit. Periscope up. of months with the pods. Someone on periscope duty right now with the airpods in like this is bullshit. Periscope up. Someone's sick of watching the Kelsey Grammer fucking movie for the hundredth time just getting some podcasts

and shit. Oh you think they make them watch it when they're down there in the Sub one movie every night. The Sean Connery one what was that called? The Sean Connery one.

Yeah Red October. Red October. The point why they became Submariners they saw that movie. I love how he was the captain of a Russian submarine and still went, fuck it, fuck it, I'm not even going to try and do a Russian.

That's right, we've got to go back to the Kremlin, boys. I think that was Arnie you did. That's not how you make porridge. That's Scottish. So you were the chef on a naval... Back then I was a cook. What ship were you on? Were you on a destroy... Back then I was a cook. What ship were you on? You were on a destroyer?

I was on a few. Yeah, I was on a DDG, the HMAS Perth. It was one of the ones I was on. We got three of those. They're frontline destroyers. Here in Australia, in America, they're coast guard ships. But also a great callback to when we talked about last time. Just realising that you were

a chef and you got scurvy. Not a great fucking thing on your chefing CV. Anthony Foghain. To go back to, I was in the Navy and they never taught us a lot about cooking. Oh, right. So what was your specialty, being a chef in the Navy? Whatever was on the menu. Wow, the snake eating itself.

So was it pretty much just, did it come out of bags, or did you have to actually make it? No, we made everything. Yeah, cool. My favourite thing was bean soup. Bean soup? Yeah. Yeah, you were a cook, not a chef.

Yeah, yeah. That was stuff that had been everything else and now it's soup. Yeah, what has it been? What is it now? So when you came out of the Navy and you now have the chef qualification, did you work as a chef anywhere? I did. I worked around the country.

I travelled. The first job was at the Flinders Hotel on the Mornington Peninsula in Australia. Classy. Yep, it was. Was it? No, it wasn't. No, it's not. Not Flinders. Hooked up with the manager there.

We had a kid and then we went, fuck it, we've got to travel around the country. We just took off trying to get away from each other. Yeah. But went in the same direction. And ended up in Western Australia where I was cooking in a place called the Surf Club Fish Cafe, which was owned by a fellow called Warren Mead, which was a millionaire that had a couple of very fancy fish cafes in Western Australia. Your background fish, home to it.

Love a fish cafe. Loving it. He was in the Navy. He knows about fish, I'd say. He had a mosaic of his missus in the shower. That's how rich this bloke was. What? He had a gold.

He had a gold. Was the mosaic in the shower or was it a mosaic of his missus in the shower? No, the mosaic was in the shower. Right. Yeah, yeah. And it's a picture of his missus. But it was a mosaic of her in the shower. Right, right, right.

In the shower. Wow. Yeah, I love this. Wow. Fuck, I might do that to my partner next time she's out. Yeah, get a mosaic. When she goes away, just like get a mosaic commissioned of her in the shower. Do it like the Sam Newman, Pammy Anderson thing at the front.

Yes, the dream. Get on dough to do it for you. You don't want to go in the back door of that house. It's got her face on the front. Nothing. All right. That would be amazing to have a huge picture of Pammy Anderson Anderson's ass as the back door of your Sam Newman's house. Yeah.

Warren Mead, who had the Surf Club Fish Cafe, was actually one of them blue-collar millionaires. He was as rich as fuck. He had the Esplanade Hotel in Fremantle. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's where I had to go for the job interview. I walked into this room.

He's sitting there behind a desk, and his first words were, it was like Kerry Packer, he went, why the fuck should I fucking... Employ you. Employ you. And I've gone, well, I don't give a fuck if you do or you don't, mate. And he went, all right, you're in. Yeah, this is good.

That's chapter one of, you know, how to meet friends of the influenced people. Just don't care and use as many F and C bombs as you can. So you, being the chef, so now this is the half-told story of the legend that I've always heard. This whole podcast is leading up to him trying to get a lasagna recipe. Fish lasagna at that. I can see why you're not a chef anymore, the way you pronounce lasagna. I'm not Italian, Tommy. My surname's not Dazzalo.

Neither am I. Yeah, sucked in. You're probably more Italian than he is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you, now this is legend, that you saved a certain person's life. Oh, I've heard of this. Is this true? This was Joe Camilleri, is that what you're talking about?

No, not at all. Someone a lot more important than that. The bodyguard on the podcast this week. We're back to the angels. Joe Camilleri. Not Jojo Zep. No. I don't know where you're going.

Didn't you? Was it Peter Garrett? Was it Jimmy Barnes? No. No. Was it one of the Sonny boys? Malcolm McDonald. No.

Didn't you? This is the legend. Didn't you save the Queen's life? Yes, I did. How the fuck did that not come up earlier? How do you bring up Joe Camilleri before the Queen? He's got a lot of good songs, hasn't he? How does that come first to mind?

I really love Aussie music. You know when you pick up a 50 cent piece and Joe Camilleri's on the other side of it? It should be. Shape our man. Yeah. Yes, I did. The Queen's had to tell, where was this? When I was in the Navy, the Queen came over to Australia in 1987, I believe it was.

She was changing the Queen's colours at HMA Cerberus in southern Victoria. I was working in the wardroom as a chef. The wardroom is where you feed the officers. So we were consigned to do the banquet for the Queen. Ooh. Peanut allergy? Yeah. Fish lasagna.

Close. All three courses. We cooked it for the Premier of Victoria with John Kane at the time. Yes, John Kane. He approved it. We cooked it for the Prime Minister of Australia, Bob Hawke, at the time. He approved it. We cooked it for the Queen's representative, Sir Zelman Cohen.

Bill Hayden? No. Oh, no. No. He approved it. Yep. And then we cooked it on the day. 70% of this banquet was seafood-based.

The rest was salad. Elizabeth Windsor is allergic to seafood. Oh, fuck. They keep it secret so the terrorists don't know. Oh, right. I think we might have just put that out there.

We do have a lot of listeners from Al-Qaeda. None of the Al-Qaeda are in their 20s, but still. She had a lovely salad that day Oh right Yeah Okay

No one fucking So they can't say to you don't cook this because she's allergic to it because then that might get out and that's Well they just

no one knew No one knew So how did you know? They kept it so much secret that we didn't know and we cooked this banquet for her that was full of shit

that could have killed her. So are we talking like a buffet? Was it like Sizzler? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like Sizzler's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had some chocolate mousse, thank God. No sneeze guard, but no sneeze guard. Fill her up on the cheesy toast.

The soft serve machine. Did you see the Queen of England with a pair of tongs in her hand at any point? No, I didn't. I had to line up and meet her. Oh, did you? Yeah. Do you mean her? Yeah.

Bring the chef out here. Off with his head. Could have killed me. I've got a similar story. One time I lined up and shook hands with Joe Camilleri. Wish I was there. I saw him crossing the road. Wish I was there.

Wow, the Queen. Yeah, right. And so did you curtsy? No, no. Wish I was there I saw him crossing the road Wish I was there Wow the queen Yeah right So did you curtsy No no No She said what do you do For a hobby Chris And I said I like photography I said that's a coincidence

My brother-in-law's a photographer Yeah he was I said that's a coincidence My brother-in-law's a queen That's good gear She would have loved that Oh yeah Yeah, he was. I said, that's a coincidence. My brother-in-law's a queen. That's good gear. She would have loved that. Oh, yeah.

Well, you're right, Prince. This is 1986. So that's where the phrase, we are not amused, comes from. I can see why that didn't spring to mind when Carl said, you've saved someone's life and it's the queen. Because just by her not eating it's like that's just you haven't killed her with your food.

It's like me driving down the street and being like I just saved that guy's life by not hitting him I could have turned right onto the footpath and run that car over.

You're welcome mate. I almost met her in Ballarat. We went up there to interview. She toured Ballarat. Sovereign Hill. She went to Sovereign Hill. This is very backward This town

Anyway The colonies haven't progressed very far That's the best opening sentence ever I almost met the queen in Ballarat I think we got there late We interviewed the mayor Who had a How do you fit so many

Unimpressive things Into one sentence Yeah She mentioned Joe Camilleri So you didn't get to meet, wait, you didn't get to meet her? No,

I don't know what happened, but anyway. Probably the fucking motorcade, surely. Yeah, I met the mayor. Especially in Sovereign Hill, it doesn't go very fast,

it's a fucking wagon. She probably had fish poisoning from the food I'd cooked. I met the mayor, and the mayor goes, I've got the Queen's water bottle here. She drank out of this water bottle, and I said,

are you going to take that home and turn it into a bong? That was my guess. And you did get to meet her after that. Yeah, I know. He looked at me like, what a fuckhead. Funniest thing, Dave, you just reminded me, when she came for this thing. She had a bong with you? No, they built a toilet for her.

Yeah, she always gets her own toilet. Yeah, they build one. And whether she uses it or not, they build one so she's got a brand spanking new fucking thunderbox. It was out the back of the wardroom where the office is hanging out. Wow, how lardy does. You went to Sovereign Hill and wouldn't even use their toilet? That's a fucking hole in the ground.

You're taking a shit in the dam and kids are panning for gold and bringing up a different nugget altogether. Also, this is one of the most powerful people in the world and it's like, wow, you can really get things rolled out for you at that point. You get your own port-a-potty. It doesn't make that much sense. You're really just getting a new seat from Bunnings. Prince Philip.

Do you meet Prince Philip? I love Prince Philip. No. Oh, you didn't meet him? sense. No. You're really just getting a new seat from Bunnings. Prince Philip. Do you mean Prince Philip? I love Prince Philip. No, no. Oh, you didn't meet him? No, just a Greek. My favourite thing about the Dunny was as soon as she left, whether she'd used it or not,

as soon as she was disappointed in the seafood buffet and fucked off, there was three sailors fighting over that toilet seat, whether she'd worked it or not. So somewhere in Australia, someone's got a dunny seat that they think the Queen sat on. Oh, my God.

Also, so the Queen is the fussy eater. So all of a sudden, it's that thing where it's like, oh, she doesn't eat that. So then you're out the back making hundreds and thousands on, you know, fairy bread for her. What's the replacement? Nuggets. Yeah, chicken nuggets.

That's what it is. Chicken schnitty with a bit of gravy on it. Oh, yum. What a great story. I met Prince Andrew once, like 25 years ago. We were wearing a wig. Did he touch you? That's weird because I heard he eats fish, but yeah.

Very fresh. Very unfresh. You usually have to chuck those ones back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Joe Camilleri, so that was your immediate one that came to mind about saving someone's life. How did you save Joe Camilleri's life?

I actually never saved... You obviously didn't save his career, but yeah. Never saved his life, almost ended his life. Okay, again, same thing. I was working as a chef in a place called Santorini's in Fremantle, a Greek restaurant. Joe Camilleri and Black Sorrows

were playing at Metropolis in Fremantle. They've come in for a feed earlier that night. So an entire Greek menu. Yep. Chris Franklinopoulos just shaved me off the spit. No problem. He's off the spit. Yes. No problem.

He's ordered the whole grilled fish. It's like a brim. He's into it. There's a fish bone stuck across his throat. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, there's an ambulance called. They didn't do the show.

Oh, they did do the show, but Joe wasn't there for the Black Sur. Obviously, he taught a lot of peeling potatoes in the submarine, but not a lot of deboning fish, but yeah. It was a whole grilled fish, mate. What am I going to pull the fucking skeleton out of the middle of that? Did the ambulance pull the bone out, or they must have? Well, he's still alive, so they fixed him. I don't know what happened.

But Vicar and Linda had to sing all that night. Oh, right. The understudies. Subject. This is the other thing I wanted to ask you about the last time that you were on. Now, we heard kind of anecdotal tell of this. I didn't know this story before,

but a little while ago, we had a little segment on the show called The Masked Pegger, where Carl got a peg made. It was a mould of a comedian's penis. And there was a few weeks where people would come on and try and guess who it was. And someone guessed you because you have sold a mould of your penis? I have never sold a mould of my penis, Tommy. I don't know where you've got that.

Have you sold your penis? I have got my penis out on stage many times. Okay. Who's this person gotten this? You remember that, right? No, I don't. You remember that person guessing that? Really?

I think Tommy's just thinking about my penis a little bit too much. Maybe it was a dream. Yeah, maybe it was. You've just done it so many times. Maybe you actually have made moulds of your penis. You just can't remember it. If we made a mould of your penis right now, I reckon probably you wouldn't remember it tomorrow.

Let's try. Let's go to Paris. I believe you don't have enough plaster to make a mold of my pants. I've got to follow up because this person was like, oh, because, you know, Chris Franklin has sold molds of his dick in the past. Stop saying this person and name the fucker. Tommy Little. Tommy Little.

And I just pretended to, he said it was like a well-known showbiz fact. So I just went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I agree. Yeah, no, I'm familiar with that. Piece of comedy folklore. There is no statues of my penis anywhere. Oh, there's a statue? Wow, okay. You need a mole to make a statue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's a reason they call him Tommy Little. Got his ass. Where's he right now? Probably having sex with a beautiful woman. Not in a basement with four men doing a podcast, that's for sure. Exactly, after doing a gig in front of 2,000 people instead of 77. Who's winning?

Making up gig stories. Fuck you. I've got to get to the bottom of this. Making up dick stories. Fuck you. I've got to get to the bottom of this. He probably spent ten minutes on stage tonight in front of those 77,000 people talking about the mould of my penis.

Yeah. It's the name of his next show, Chris Franklin's Penis Mould. I wonder if he's just made that up because he thinks it's a believable lie. I don't know. If you're holding out on us, I reckon we can break you.

This is going to be like the Queen thing where you're like, we find out down the line, you're like, oh, I guess I wouldn't really call it a mould. Tommy, I promise you, my cock's been in a lot of weird places. I was in prison for eight hours. Wow. It's been out on stage

it's been if it was in a mould I would tell you about it speaking of

what about this now I've heard folklore of a lot of comedians try to take you

on on the road at table tennis now from what I hear you are the number one

ranked comedian in Australia. In the ping pong. At ping pong. Wow. Is that true? There's a lot of free time in prison. See, that's what I hear. I've heard...

Are you learning in prison? There's only a table tennis table. I have beaten comedians from Germany in a game of table tennis at the Adelaide Fringe Festival using my thong as a bat. Now, that's what I heard. I've heard this many times where you've taken them on and then you've gone, you know what, I'll do you a favour. I'll do it left-handed.

And they go, okay, and they take you and you thrash them. You go, you know what, I'll start doing a thong. You start using a thong and they go, how the fuck did you do this? And then you go 18 months in prison. Yeah, well, you've got to win the 18 months in prison. You've got to win the table tennis in there. What happens? Plus the

Paris Mold? Exactly. We're back in the submarine. I think we're going to find out the weird places. You either win or you really lose. No, thank you. That makes you competitive.

Was there weights though, like in the movies? You lift weights in prison? There was. I never went in there. Fucking look at me. But also, as we know, weights can be used to kill people too. They just smash people in the head. Another reason why I never went in there.

Any other sports? Was it croquet? Oh, no. Yeah, yeah. Another reason why I never went in. Any other sports? Was it croquet? Yeah, yeah. There was... Brotchy. Bad balls. You wanted for some fins? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A bit of curling. Darts was popular. We called it shiv in there. Get that bloke in the kidney. That's a bullseye. but get that bloke in the kidney that's a bullseye

so you get so you do yeah you just you hit the table tennis table how many hours a day how many hours a day you reckon you did

in there I don't know four hours did you hang on how many hours a day did I do in prison 24

it's not a part time job but I just turned up on weekends Nice That'll be good So did you Well that brings up this question then Were you allowed to have thongs in prison

Because at some point You were so good That you turned into You're playing ping pong with thongs Is that prison issue Thongs There is thongs in prison Yes

Is there beaches at prison? No. I think there's showers. There's showers with warts, I think, is what you're going to wear. Okay, that makes sense. All right, fair enough. So again, you come out of prison, similar to the, you've got like the full qualification. Hang on, did you cook in prison?

Did you cook in prison? No. No, you kept that to yourself? Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Did you think about turning pro at table tennis once you got out of prison? Hit the circuit.

Play for Australia. Or what did you think of the food in prison? Were you thinking, let me in there. I was thinking, I could fix this. Yeah, right.

Yeah, yeah. What that needs is a little bit of Hollandaise sauce. Yeah, right. It's true. You're thinking, this is shocking.

If the Queen comes in here for dinner, she's in trouble. And it was Her Majesty's prison. Oh, yeah. Of course. There we go. There's a lot of Queen-related stuff on your CV, right there, Romley?

Yeah, me and Freddie Mercury. Fuck. I love the image of someone just in prison having their lunch. They're like, can I just get a bit of hollandaise? Yeah. Is there any aioli out there? I've been there and that's not a good image, Tommy. I bet.

So I tried it. What are you getting in there? What are you getting? What's for lunch? What's for lunch in there? You get pretty good meals. They go with dietary. So you're getting vegetables, you're getting fruit. And a shit bit of meat basically every time.

Right. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But they're not professionals cooking it. So, you know. It is what it is. It's like, yeah, open mic restaurant. But you must have been to pubs and restaurants and stuff where the food has been worse than in prison.

And then you get the ultimate thing where you get to go. No. Okay. That's number one the worst? Prison's still the absolute bottom. The very bottom rung. Yeah. Okay.

That is a shame to think that someone... That is someone's job to be the chef and to be a cook in prison. No, there's one or two chefs and the rest of the crew in the kitchen are just us. Yeah, they're roommates. Yeah. Right. People wanting to get a bit of experience.

Yeah. It's a good job, isn't it? The kitchen, that, and the laundry, I believe. You've watched too many movies. Yeah, I've watched Prisoner. No, the library. The library is where you want to be.

You only want to be in the laundry if you're going to smuggle books to people. Based on your experience in prison, let's say me, Dave and Carl, we try to pull off a few and we all go in on the same day.

I'm going to get so many packets of White Ox for your three arses. I'm going to sell you fuckers. Sadly now, since it was the 80s, you since I was in the 80s, you can't smoke in prison. No, they banned smoking.

Yeah, they did. They did. They had a right when they banned it. Yeah, of course. White Ox was currency. What's White Ox? Rolling tobacco.

Yeah, yeah. Who would survive better in prison out of us three, you reckon? Fuck. Jesus Christ. It's a low bar. I think Carl would be king rat after two weeks. Yeah.

I think Carl. I think Carl. Sorry, gentlemen. You don't think I could, like, leverage my cute little... No, no, no. No. You're going to get split in half, Tommy. That's what I'm saying.

I'd be running the best damn open mic in Pentridge. Or Jerry at the end of Seinfeld. What about Dave? How's Dave going? Dave is a mess. I'll be terrible, but keep a low profile. A guy interviewed went to prison. He said they're not interested in the old blokes for sex.

It's the young people. The old blokes are fine, he said. You'll be fine in prison if you're wearing them. But you're still pretty Dave yeah I've got man boobs I think you'd be the most desirable

out of me Carl and you to be honest nah Tommy you're done you're a youth on your side you're a celeb

you know everyone wants to fuck a celeb you're in prison for life and it's like I could I could fuck someone from Spicks and Specks yeah that's like I could I could I could fuck

Someone from Spicks and Specks Yeah that's it I'm sure they're all It's not before Hurst But I'll take it He sat next to me Yeah I'm sure before you get in there

I'll pump an iron Going you know who I'd love to fuck The guy from Tractor Monkey Yeah yeah The bloke No the bloke from The Nugget The bloke from The Nugget I always wanted to fuck Husey, but this will do.

He can do Husey's voice. Oh, Jesus. He can do stories about him. Man, come on. I'll just have to go and launch Husey. Yeah, exactly. Come on. Do Husey's voice.

All right. Yeah, and then you're getting him on the phone. You're calling Husey from prison. A bit of currency. Put him on. You right. Yeah. And then you, you're getting him on the phone. Like you're calling him from prison. A bit of currency. Put him, put him on. Yeah. You'd be,

you'd be fine. All right. So I'm getting destroyed. Carl's thriving. Dave's somewhere in the middle. Oh God.

Yeah. I've done gigs in prison, but um. 18 months, I've never met a bloke that would go near

Carl. Oh really? Yeah, really. Wow. Even in the depths of like. No, no, really. Wow. Even in the depths of like... No, no, no. Wow.

I was getting a lot of that today. Someone else was saying to me, you know... You wouldn't survive in prison? No, no. You wouldn't get a route in prison? No, no. Your wife said you wouldn't get a route in prison. A guy friend said to me today,

I would never fuck you under any circumstances. No, no, no. I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. There'd be 200 people in a prison going, I'll just have a wank. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. Thank God mean that. I didn't mean that. There'd be 200 people in a prison going, I'll just have a wank. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nice. Thank God for that. Fine. That'd be my defence as I was being split in half. I'd be like, guys, have you thought about wanking? You don't have to do this. You heard it on the internet? You should say, have you thought about Carl?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll turn them, shrivel them right up. But what do you mean? What did the person say to you? Oh, no, no. I thought you meant a different way in terms of like running gigs and whatever. They were saying, like, Comedy Festival's coming up. Yep.

We're in the basement now. People are going to have to, I sort of have to employ people to come and run stuff during the Comedy Festival. Ex-inmates? No, no. And they were sort of basically going. I've got some contacts. We've got Goose doing the door. They were basically going,

oh, they need to come in and train, they need to come in and, you know, whatever. They need to do a bit of time with you. You know, because you're so scary, that'll scare them straight and they'll have to do their job properly. I'm like, I'm not that scary. You are fucking scary.

You could be scary. Well, I don't mean to be, but they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You are fucking scary. You could be scary. Well, I don't mean to be, but they're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they'll come and do a bit of this, but they do need to have some time with you just so they go, fuck, I better do my fucking job properly or I'll get my fucking ass kicked. Yeah, yeah. So the worry wasn't that they'll go, absolutely under no circumstances do I want to work here. Yes. No, no.

I don't know. Anyway, that's what was communicated to me i'm like okay all right well i guess that's it's it's that thing where on one hand you sort of go oh that's a bit oh that's a bit of a shame or whatever but then you go all right people are gonna do their fucking job cool all right i don't mind that i guess in a way yeah the scary guy just turns up like when i work in the supermarket I'll take that if I go to prison if all of a sudden people are going oh he's a bit scary I better not rape him

like okay probably a good thing who knows what he'll do to me no what they do in that situation is go I better rape him aggressively

oh right wow not one of those not one of those la-di-da yeah yeah not one of them romantic rapes.

Not one of those tender ones that you hear so much about all the time. Good Lord. Right off subject, but whose beer is that over there? Because I'm out of mine. That's Dave's. Do you want that one? You don't drink beer. No, I do drink beer.

Well, would you have that if you're drinking? I didn't think you drank. That's why I asked. Well, we were so quick to tell Milan to go away. But now we need the Milan signal. For the record. We need to burst up through the floor. I don't drink a lot of beer.

Dave O'Neill is drinking a lot of beer at the moment. It's a very rare occurrence. It is a thing where I've had several conversations where it was like, oh, the other night I had a beer with Dave O'Neill. Yeah, I'm an alcoholic now. And we've with Dave O'Neill. Yeah, yeah. I'm an alcoholic now. And we've got it on record too. Yeah, yeah. This is a recorded.

That and the ice. And also, Chris Frankel wanted a beer then and Dave O'Neill wouldn't give up his beer. Yeah. No, he actually offered it. I went, no, I didn't realize you were drinking because I didn't know Dave Frank. And I've still never had a beer with Dave O'Neill because I finished mine before I realized he was having his. You should re-record that Slim Dusty song. I'd love to have a beer with Dave O'Neill because I finished mine before I realised he was having it. You should re-record that Slim Dusty song.

I'd love to have a beer with O'Neill. Yeah, yeah. That's for the listeners who are missing the Angels reference. We drink in the fucking basement. You have a number one single. So that was... You had a number one single. 22 fucking years ago, but thanks for bringing it up.

Meredith Brooks was a Meredith Brooks song? Yeah. And what did she say? Still more relevant than the Angels and Joe Camilleri. And the Queen. You've had a more recent hit than them. What did she say? Because if you do a parody, you have to approach the actual artist, don't you?

So Glow called it a parody of the Meredith Brooks song Bitch. Yes. So that went to number one in Australia. Aria charts number one. You had to approve the parody. Oh, she had to approve the parody. Did you speak to her or your manager spoke to her? There was a fella called Tony Harlow

who ran EMI Music in Sydney, Australia. He flew over there and spoke to Meredith Brooks and said, we want to do a parody of this song, this is it. And she went, yeah, cool, no worries. But she wrote the words, a fella called, a chick called Shelley Peakin wrote the music from England.

He went to England and said, we want to do this. And Shelley Peakin said, my music is like art that you hang on your wall and I don't want anyone to fuck it up. And he came back and told me, we can't do it because Shelly Pekin doesn't want you to use the music. She said, it's art.

And I said, tell her I've gone over her masterpiece in crayon and I haven't stayed within the lines he said I'm not fucking telling her that and he went back and said look this is what we project this song will make in Australia which was more than what the bitch

song made because it never got to number one and she went fuck art give us the cash yeah yeah nice now i i heard that uh so then who was it through mushroom or who was it was emi emi emi so there was the they had in their offices the big gold record the big framed gold record of your number one song and it was the big gold record and then number one song. And it was the big gold record, and then it was whatever it was, like a picture of you, and then what, a VB can and a packet of smokes? Is that right?

That's exactly right. And they had gold flannelette in the background. Right. Yeah, yeah. Right. And so then I heard someone was in there and going, looked at that and went, oh, wow, that's so funny that you've got the, like, the packet of smokes and the beer.

Have you ever thought about opening that? And they said, Chris Franklin's been in this office 20 times, and every time he comes in, he goes, can you open that? I actually want a beer. So it's been replaced. That beer has been replaced 20 times over the years. Another bullshit story like Tommy's story. Oh, is it bullshit?

Yes. It happens to the best of us. Wow. I'll tell you what happened. I went in there. They gave me the gold record. By the time they'd given me the gold record, the song Gone Platinum. Right.

And so they just gave me the platinum record. And I went, hang on, where's me fucking gold record? Because it's already done gold. And I had to come back two weeks later for the gold record thing. But I've never tried to drink the beer. They were only half cans. Oh. Yeah.

Right, right. But they did have a packet of Winfield Blue, ironically, because I smoke Winfield Red. True irony. Yeah. And they had them taped up in a triangle, like the cigarette sticking out of the top of the packet. And I had mine at home,

and there was a time when things got a little bit rough and times were tough, and I went, I need a cigarette, and I can't afford to buy a packet. So I ripped the back off my platinum record and got this packet of Winfield Blue out of there that had them all taped up at the back, and by the time I'd taken all the tape off,

I got one cigarette out of that one. Well, there you go. Maybe that's where the story goes. Yeah, right. I like that you're respectful enough to yourself to just take it apart at the back. Not an in-case-of-emergency-break-glass kind of situation. It was perspex, Tommy.

Well, take it down to cash converters. How much do you give me for this? Yeah. Well, because then at the start, you're sort of my, you're kind of my marker of like the bookmark of the pandemic. Because when things were first kicking off, you recorded a song called Stay the Fuck at Home. Yeah, I did.

Where you got a bunch of people together and it was very like, as things were sort of swirling, it was like, guys, everyone take this seriously. Put your masks on, stay at home. You know, we can get through this together. And I thought that was like a very like, you know, noble, positive thing to do. But then end of last year,

Omicron cases just surging in Victoria. Everyone's stressed out. People are like worried they're going to miss Christmas. You fly up to Melbourne for one night to just come to the Exfit. Just seeing you on social media, I was like, hasn't this guy changed his tune? From stay the fuck at home to, no, I miss the Exford. I'm flying up for a little stop in pre-Christmas.

Cases in the tens of thousands. Why not? I live in Launceston. The Exford's been local. What can I say? You've got Gotta get a Christmas drinking with the boys. Funny that

the Stay the Fuck at Home song which went fucking viral for some reason. Yeah. The CBC what is it

in America? CBS. CBS. Well one of them fucking did a whole story on it. Oh wow. The South Park

people, Trey and whatever his mate is. Trey Parker and Matt Stone. They did a whole story on oh wow the south park people trey and whatever his mate is trey parker and matt stone that they did a a south park video clip of the song drawing me as a canadian with me head split in half yeah oh terence and philip style yeah yeah yeah oh amazing um one of the great Canadians, Chris Franklin. Oh, no, they killed Chris Franklin. He was in Loverboy, remember? It was weird, but I got 27 of Australia's best musicians and singers. Joe Camilleri and 26 others.

No, Joe wasn't in that one. Oh, really? Angels? He wouldn't answer me call because I almost killed him with a fishbone. No, Dave Gleeson, Angry Anderson, Murray Cook, The Red Wiggle. Yep. Had Ella Hooper from Killing Heidi. Yep, yep.

And all the musicians that went with their bands. And everyone's going, how the fuck did you get all of them to do that? And I said, well, it was coronavirus. I knew they were all home. They weren't out doing gigs. I just rang them up. No, totally. We were doing podcasts during lockdown

and that was the brutal thing. It's like, oh, everyone's at home. Everyone's got nothing to do. Perfect time. We were still getting nos. Yeah, busy. I'd rather stare at the wall and think about what it all means and just really contemplate the fact that the art is never coming back.

You know, the funny thing with that song is all 27 weren't ever in the same place. They all recorded it at home, sent it to a Dropbox that we mixed and did the video of them, whatever. I think it would be funnier if they were all in the same place. It was fucking hard enough not having them talking to each other. Kevin Bloody Wilson and Angry Anderson, both in their 60s, I'm going, you send these files to the Dropbox,

and Angry's ringing me going, what's this, Letterboxd? I've got to fucking do this too. What's this letterbox I gotta fucking Do this to Kev Wilson Sending me files That look this big On messenger

You know Like tiny little Pitchelated Couldn't you get his daughter His daughter's his supporter Jenny Talia Jenny Talia Yes

I was gonna say Vagina Vagina Vag Yeah Minj over over here. Help me out. You know the story behind her, don't you?

No. She went to Nashville to be a country music singer, and in between takes of the album she was singing, she was singing Kevin Bloody Wilson songs. Oh, God. And they went, you should record them. They're fucking great. And she went, no, that's me dad. That's what he does. And they went, well, you've. They're fucking great. And she went, no, that's me dad.

That's what he does. And they went, you've got to go back and do that. Forget country music. Kev gave her the name Jenny Taylor. Genius. I love you, Dad. Imagine my son, too, is a man who would call him Scroatey. Big balls.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Right, your opening act at your comedy festival, your show. Please welcome my son, Scroat Head. Scroat Head, here he is. Now give it up for my dad. We should do shows with all our sons.

Mine would be, are you sure you're mine? And with Blow, did you do a five single? Were you like scouring other female singer-songwriters like Fiona Apple

and trying to come up with Susan Vega, Luca, I could do Puka. I miss Puka. Yeah, a bit of Bangles. My name is Franklin. Walk with an erection.

Walk with an erection. Walk with an erection. Walk with an erection. Someone did that. Did you do a follow Someone did that Did you do a follow up? Did you do a follow up? I tried a lot of follow ups But the public had worked out That I can't actually fucking sing

By that stage So the radio stations didn't play them What was the first follow up? First follow up was a parody Right at the time they had Popstars, the TV show. Yeah, Bardo. Prequel to it. Bardo.

Yeah. Or Scandalous. Which one? Bardo. Bardo. Yeah. Bardo was so dear monk. Yeah.

Tiffany. I did a parody of their song, Poison. Oh, yeah. Poison. It was called Beer is My Poison. Right. So, he didn't change really the name, Poison. It was still Poison.

Just added some shit to the start of it. And because Bloke had gone so well, we spent like 50 grand on the video. Oh, yes. There's five of me on it in green screen dancing with each other. Yeah. No one fucking heard it. I lost a shit load of money out of it. Oh, fuck.

Give us a bit of it. How's it start? Oh, fuck. I reckon all we've got is Beer Is My Poison. Beer Is My Poison. I reckon that's all we've got out of it. What was the next one? What was the next one after that?

I love a good parody. I'm too drunk to remember, Dave. Beer Up Australia? Was it the B-side? Jack Off Australia. Jack Off Australia. What? What?

It was the B-side, the bloke. But was that a parody or was that an original? It was a parody of Walsing Matilda. Walsing Matilda, Jack Off Australia. What? All right. Once a palmy sailor found a land down under and called the place Australia when he finally got back.

For years we've had the Pommie flag sitting in the corner. It's time to change the Aussie flag and lose the Union Jack. Jack off Australia. Jack off Australia. I thought about wanking. This is a huge vibe shift from Bloke. Yeah. It was the B side. I was trying to think of how this bloke. Yeah. What's the B-side?

I was trying to think of how this works. Do you like, you know, are you jacking off the top of Queensland? Like, what's the most different? We're trying to get rid of the union. Cupping Darwin like the balls. In every state, a masturbate, so grab your pole and celebrate. Sorry, catch up to the chase. This wasn't a hit either?

It was the B-side either It was the B side What did the writer Of Walsing Matilda say about it Well I dug him up Banjo Patterson Didn't sign off on this one What the hell Oh fuck that's funny

Well we better wrap it up For another week On the little dumb dumb club It's a fine bye Either that or we've had Too much to drink No no I've got heaps more to say Fuck, that's funny. Well, we'd better wrap it up for another week on the little Dumb Dumb Club. Oh, it's flown by. Cool. Either that or we've had too much to drink. No, no. I've got heaps more to say. Cool, man.

We'll have to get you back. Yeah. Fuck it. Okay. Chris Franklin, things coming up that you'd care to plug? The host of the after party at the Exford all during the comedy festival. Comedy festival. Yep, yep, yep. If you're going to a show

during the Comedy Festival, if you're not going to the Late Night Basement Comedy Club on a weekend, Chris Franklin hosts every, seven days a week, I think,

every night. If you want to have another beer after a show, Chris Franklin hosts a late night show every single night. If you want another beer,

if you want another show, come and see Chris Franklin host that after party. It's a free entry thing. Starts at 11 at night and goes till whenever I've got my pants off. Wow. It is a shit fight of a show. It is probably the worst show in the Melbourne International Comedy Festival.

I would like to think so. I'd like to think no one has a show worse than it. But it is a lot of fun every time I do it. Come and be part of a future Chris than it. Yeah, yeah. But it is a lot of fun every time I do it. Come and be part of a future Chris Franklin story. Yes, absolutely. And, you know, you might be in the kitchen. He might fix you up a famous fish lasagna by the end of it. Don't turn up in a submarine outfit holding a ping pong gun.

That would destroy you. Dave O'Neill, you've got your show in the Comedy Festival. Best hair in the business right here right here at the basement look at that cow leg you've got good hair Chris shut up cunt

right here in the basement comedy club brand new show you beat out Dave Hughes for the spot down here as well Hughes he wanted the spot that you got

if you don't want to do it I will do it but if you've already said yes then you haven't alright but if you don't want to do it, I will do it. But if you've already said yes, then you have it. All right. But if you don't want to do it, I will do it. I'm doing it. Oh, God. You've got a terrific head of head.

What are you here for, mate? Don't. Stop tweeting. Get off Twitter. Get off. Me get off? Get off. Mate, don't. like me get off get off mate don't

two weeks 8.15 it's going to be great 8.15 on the first two weeks that's right excellent check it out

cool you coming down to do a spot at the after party yeah I've never done I'd love to come down actually fuck yeah

yeah it'd be great I would love to go come down and see you do a spot at the after party me too I've done many of those gigs over the years don't worry about that don't worry about that alright guys thanks very much for listening come down and see you do a spot of the art. Me too. I've done many of those gigs over the years. Don't worry about that.

Don't worry about that. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, mate. See you, poof. Bye. And they've done it again. Oh, Bernie has...

Look, he's kicked a big one, but it has... Bernie-ing the midnight oil. Yes. He's had a couple of kicks at it because it's a bit late and everyone's a little bit tired and emotional. Chris the Bloke Franklin, of course, using his full name, as opposed to Chris the Woman Franklin. Chris the Sheila Franklin.

Chris the Scrag Franklin. Yeah, that's good. Christine the Sheila Franklin would be his drag act. Drag, Franklin. Yeah, that's good. Christine the Sheila Franklin would be his drag act. And then I think he'd bash himself for dressing up as a woman. Yeah, hey, look, we're recording this, you know, this bit, Talking Dumb Dumb is Tuesday mornings.

A bit of a Tuesday morning slash afternoon tradition is when we record these things. That was recorded, as I think we said, close to midnight. Saturday night, we fit that, as I think we said, close to midnight Saturday night. We fit that in because I think your eagle eyes picked him up first when Chris Frankel was in town. Great, let's get him. And we found that the only window we could do, basically, was like about 11 o'clock at night Saturday, which is like, great.

And we got his mission accomplished. Flying in and out for a gig. Yeah, mission accomplished, of course, until he then missed the next two flights he was supposed to be on. So we could have done this basically fucking any time. Yeah, I thought this might come up because I noticed all of a sudden him being added to the lineup of Spleen last night. I thought, yeah, I doubt he's gone back to Tass, I better do my best to get him a gig in which he could pay for these fucking flights he keeps pissing up against the wall. Yeah, right. So what's happened?

What do you think's happened? Yeah, well, I'm thinking out loud. For the listener, who is perhaps not as well-versed in the legacy of Chris Franklin, we had a beer with him after the episode, and then he's gone and kicked on at the Exford. And we had an early morning flight, and he's just slept through it, right? I think exactly what's happened is you listen to him on the show, and, you know, good for him. He's had a few. He had a gig before. He came to my gig, and he had a celebratory bunch of drinks after that.

Then he had some drinks while we did this. Yep. And then, so then, if you listen to him and you know look no drag on him you know he loves to have a beer and that's no problem with that but to listen to him and how what level he was on during this show yep completely fine but obviously had quite a few yep he then said to me after we finished all right now i'm going to have a drink yeah yeah yeah yeah we like we stuck around and had a beer with him. I kind of felt like, oh, he's come and done the show.

Don't really see him all that often. Do the right thing. Have a beer with him. Good guy. Yeah, yeah, great hang. And so we have our beer. We sort of get to the end and you're like, all right, is that it? We're going home and he's like, yeah, you cunts do what you want.

I'm going to go have a drink now. It's like, yeah, mate, it's one o'clock. Time to log on. Yeah, we were the sort of the uh we were pre's yeah we were the amateur house and he was going down to do it clock on properly at the expert yeah yeah yeah and he had a he had a flight oh man this is oh fuck i should save for next time he's on but anyway um yeah no he did have an early like that great of course we've all done it the great idea oh well the cheapest flights are at like 7 a.m. So why wouldn't you get those ones?

And then he's like, you know, we leave him and go, fucking hell. All right, good luck getting on that flight. Yeah. Which he absolutely did not. So. I don't think I ever in my life again will book a flight like that. I've just learned too many times. Yeah.

Because it's like, yeah, cool, you save money. But you know what costs more money? Having to get the flight again when you sleep through your alarm and miss it. Yeah. And also, look, I'm not completely opposed to it. But then you go, okay. Look, I don't mind doing the Skybus and getting the tram and everything. But if you do that sort of 7 a.m. malarkey, that pulls all that stuff out of the equation.

Totally. Yeah. Anyway. Is he back home now? You know what? I'll give him a message. We can probably have him. We might have him as a guest in a couple of weeks if he's still around.

We could have done three episodes with him. I know. I'll give him a message right now. I'll see if he's back. Yeah. Franklin... This is like a reverse Tom Hanks in the terminal. Just the guy who never actually makes it to the airport.

He's done this before. I've had this experience with him where I get hit up where he's like, got any more gigs? Did you miss another flight? He's like, yes. Just plan your original trip to be here and do more gigs to have the money to get that proper flight. It's a nice little like midday or something. And also, you know, that is a pretty cheap flight, a midday flight.

Yeah. That's the thing. You get a Tuesday flight. Or get it in the afternoon. If you're going to be hungover, you can go late and it's pretty cheap too. Yeah. How have we thought this through more than him with the experience he's had? But hey, look, speaking of booking flights, we should address something here in the back end of the show.

So we, of course, were meant to have our show in Perth, March the 5th, which is coming up. And a lot of you Perth listeners will have noticed that the border did open or does open to the rest of the country on March the 3rd. So a lot of people messaging us going like, great, you're on here, boys. And we looked into it. The flights are, on some airlines, non-existent. Yes. And on other airlines, $1,000.

Yes. I could go to Phuket and back about four times rather than going to Perth at this point. So look, that plus, look, we're not going to make it. We're not going to make it. So we're going to postpone it again. Sorry about that. Sorry if that annoys everyone.

I'm sure some of you will understand. I'm sure some of you will not. Yes, sure. But that would be the case for whatever our reason was. That's how the world works with everything. So that's fine. So sorry about that. It's just not going to quite work for us given that we also had personally written it off

and made other plans, things like that. And also, look, I really think Perth is currently going through that thing that maybe we did in Melbourne at some point. Everyone's adjusting to the new world opening up and maybe a bit scared of what's going to happen and all that sort of thing all of those factors combining means that i think it's it's a lot easier to just push it back a couple of months yeah so we'll be back with you with another new date very soon we are of course look i'd like to think that you will give us the uh you know a bit of grace here given that

we did actually fucking go to Perth a year ago. Yeah, that's true. And then, look, you know, we could sort of blame this on you. Yeah. Look, we did everything we could. We got over there and then you shut us down. So, look, it's not for want of trying. Yeah, after at that point, months and months of being in lockdown in Melbourne,

we then had to do another one because of one case who wasn't even still in Perth anymore. No, no. Hemorrhaging money for a week. Yeah, you shut down Perth because of a bloke who was in Melbourne with a case of the virus. So, yeah, look, we blew out flights and a comm money then. We're not prepared to blow it again right now. Right, and also at the moment perth is uh when the border reopens your capacities are going to be reduced which would mean less people in the gig

yes which we've already lost so much money on attempting to do this gig we can't do anything less than 100 capacity yes exactly if someone could if there could be a change to the rules where it's all of a sudden 200 capacity so that we can recoup some of those losses from that trip, that would be great. Also, I wouldn't mind that 200% capacity kicking in in Adelaide this weekend as well, if that's possible. Adelaide, yeah, like we said at the top, Adelaide this weekend, if you're listening to this, hot off the press. You know, if you're listening to this at any point in history,

this will ring a bell. Come along. Yep. Fill up this fucking venue. Get down. Yeah. This is, this is the one time we come a year.

If you could make, make your way down, that'd be great. If you can make your way down, you know what? We've talked about this. We won't mention. Once it's,

once the show's on, we won't, I mean, this is, we've been doing this dance for like eight years now. Yes. And we never learned. There's no point sooking.

Now, there's no point sooking now. There's no point sooking, you know, two months ago. Yeah. They're just, what will be, will be. This is the last sooking we do about Adelaide right now. Once we're in the building. Yep. No complaining about Adelaide.

Yep. No mention of Adelaide. No. Let's pretend we're not even there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're not going to get bagged. Just get along. Yep. Just make our lives a little bit fucking easy. It's going to be yeah. Yeah. You're not going to get bagged. Just get along.

Yeah. Just make our lives a little bit fucking easy. It's going to be fun. Yeah. Love Adelaide. Love being there. Great guests. Fringe is always a lot of fun that we weirdly happen to be there at the same time as.

Yeah, the guests are going to be great. The vibe's going to be fucking electric. Yep. We'll have a beer afterwards in the street like we did the last couple of years. And we were going to be going to Perth the very next weekend and now we're not we don't have to like save ourselves yes for this other trip that we have in a week's time that thing we traditionally stretch out the thing we traditionally do when we have another gig a week later we can't possibly have a beer so we've got to wrap it up at the 35 minute mark not to a full podcast. No, no thanks. I won't have a, I won't have a pint. I have a gig in seven days time.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a factor. Yeah, it's what we do. So get along. Of course, also Melbourne,

we have amped up the 500th episode to a 500 slash 600th episode. It'll be interesting to find out what the Athenaeum actually think

about that, given that we haven't actually really detailed that to them yet. But there is... Well, it's interest. We've waited two years. Yeah. We've accrued interest on the clock.

There is a handful, a veritable handful of tickets left. So if you want to get that. There is a bunch of tickets left for the, not preceding, aceding. No, it is... What? What do you call the opposite of preceding, a-seeding. No, what do you call it? What do you call the opposite of preceding? Oh.

A-fixing. Shows that are on the April 9, 16 and 23, 4.30 on Saturday afternoon. The traditional April afternoon podcast in Melbourne that we do. They're always fantastic. And the highlight of perhaps my dum-dum year, I think. Whoa.

Yeah. Huge. They're fun. So get on to them. They are on sale. They are capacities not quite the same as the Athenaeum, so you need to get in a little bit earlier. Absolutely.

A lot of stuff. So that's all the live action going on, I think. That's what's happening for now. Yeah. But in the un-live sphere, you can support the on Patreon Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub You get two bonus episodes You get a little secret feed every week Mondays and Fridays

Little bonus mini episodes with special guests They're always a lot of fun So you get a lot of content bang for your buck But also you go into the draw To have your name immortalised in the back end of the little dum-dum club. And the UTA is here. It's like this week.

It's like the, you know what we should do this week? It's like the Mount Rushmore right now. Because as we know, there's, what is it? There's five faces on Mount Rushmore, isn't there? So let's just do the five faces of this week. Four serious presidents and then like a little joke president. Is that it?

Is that it? Yeah, Groucho Marx is the fifth person on Mount Rushmore. Let's not look into the future too hard. So let's see. What is the order of Mount Rushmore? I couldn't, with a gun to my head, I couldn't even tell you what cunt is on there. Man, I mean, I wouldn't either, but with a gun to my head.

I mean, that's, I would then not know. I would then not know who the faces are, but then I'd also have an absolute red rocket. Just go, man, imagine being shot in the head. That's horny. Oh, really? I mean, that's, the person holding you hostage, I reckon at that point, they're letting you go.

Like, if they see that, they're like, wow, this guy's even more psycho than me. Yeah. This guy deserves to live. Yeah. I want to see what else he gets up to. Well, this is the George Washington of the Patreon feed this week. Okay. That's who's...

That's the first cab off the rank in the Mount Rushmore. In the Mount Rushmore, yeah. All right. So the Mount Rushmore, yeah. All right. So the George Washington. I sort of don't really know any. Did they do it all at once or was it just like you got to earn your place up here? Was there a bit of deliberation?

Oh, like the- Who deserves to be on? Like the Hollywood Walker fame where they start at the Man's Chinese Theater and then all of a sudden down the fucking road outside the 7-Eleven. Yeah. Yeah. Outside the 7-Eleven, all of a sudden, you've got that

cunt-off perfect stranger to the bloke who plays Balky Bartokomus. Absolutely. You're just making your way right down the road. Yep. No, I think,

I think they're all done at once. I'm pretty sure. They should just keep adding to it. Well, there's no more, you'd have to go pretty inset. And I'm sure that that idea's been brought up, but looking at the rocks... Oh, no.

Look, you could go around the corner. Like, look at that. That's how it looks. Yeah. So there is sort of room. Yeah, there's heaps of room. You go around the corner. Just have them all, you know, bunched up together.

Yeah. When did they actually invent Mount Rushmore? I mean, I think it must have been early last century. Early to mid last century, surely. Or early. I'll say early because it's quite famously shown in North by Northwest. It's also quite famously at the end of the Richie Rich movie. Oh, well, that does date it.

So definitely it was done before the 90s. Before 1994, yeah. I think they accidentally blow that does date it. So definitely it was done before the 90s. Before 1994, yeah. I think they accidentally blow up part of it. The big finale takes place on Mount Rushmore. I think Richie Rich's dad is trying to put himself on there or something like that. There we go. It was completed October 1941. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Now I'm interested to know what year North by Northwest. Just read a name out for God's sake. Okay. Yeah. All right. Now I'm interested to know what year North by Northwest. Just read a name out for God's sake. No. 1959. There you go. Oh, okay.

So just a mere 18 years later, it was putting it up there. That would have been lame at the time, do you think? Do you think people would have been like, what the fuck is this? It's too recent. They're like, yeah. People are still working out whether it's like a cool thing that it exists or not. If you put four Australian Prime Minister faces into a mountain right now, as if everyone would be like, hooray!

You know, Twitter would be going crazy going, fucking good one. Well, let's say you were making a film now and it had been set up in, you know, 2004. film now and it had been set up in you know 2004 so like yeah you're going like hey that cool that cool mountain that's got all the prime ministers on it yeah let's set the end of our film there that'll be really cool let's set the end of our film at the big brother house at the gold coast yeah absolutely all right um the the ge The George Washington of this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Anthony Close. Whoa. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Tony Close. Yeah. The closer. I like it. I want to fuck you like an animal. Oh, okay.

That's good. That song is in, I've been talking about this a lot lately, but it's in the Pam and Tommy series. Oh. And that sent me on a bit of a Nine Inch Nails little binge. Speaking of Nine Inches. Yeah, never properly got into NIN. You know what? I did think of Trent Reznor back in the day, as in yesterday.

He's close. Back in the day. Well, he's closer, um, uh, image. Because I saw, I remember at the time, the way he dressed in what,

that clip or whatever it was, the old sort of black mesh, almost, not fishnet, but like the black mesh. Yep. Shirt. Yep. I was like,

back in the day, I was like, that's a good look. I like that look. Really? Thinking, fuck, imagine if I'd have rocked that age like that's a good look I like that look really thinking fuck imagine if I'd have

rocked that age 17 that's a real divergent paths moment where you get really into like yeah industrial

like goth rock and you've got like you're sitting here everything else about your life is different but you're still

doing the pod that bit that bit never changes throughout all the alternate universes you'll hear

mesh singlet pierced nipples talking about George Washington it's your mesh singlet pierced nipples it's a big talking about george washington it's a big call to think i've done that in 94 or whatever it was yeah and then clung on to it some people do though honestly that you do see some like you know you see the like the older like the mid-40s guy who's just gone not you know what everyone told almost out of spite it's like people told me this was a phase yeah but nah i'm sticking to it do you know have you ever done this where you've you've seen something like that and you've oh you would have and you've gone okay well i can't do that so i'll

do the the next best thing especially well especially back then there's no internet there's no sort of like fuck that's a great look i'll just scale the internet and find find exactly that oh you mean so i've seen someone famous and thought i'd like to dress like them yeah but but that's a great look. I'll just scale the internet and find exactly that. Oh, you mean so I've seen someone famous and thought I'd like to dress like them. Yeah. But it's too hard to find the actual thing that they have. So you just, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that doesn't really happen these days because you can just find whatever you want, whenever you want.

Yes. And wait two weeks and you've got it. You literally, if you see someone, if you see like a video clip or like a photo of a celeb and you like their style, the odds are there's an Instagram account that's like, here's the exact things that they're wearing and where you can find them if you really want. There'll be a Reddit fucking page where it goes,

oh, like this look? Here's how to do it exactly in fucking two minutes. I remember seeing that look. It's in that closer film clip, I think. He's wearing the black mesh shirt. I remember seeing that look. It's in that closer film clip, I think. Isn't it? And he's wearing the black mesh shirt. Yep. I'm thinking, that's a good look.

And then I tried to... I sort of tried to replicate it. And you know what the closest version of that was that I did? Wrapping some chicken wire around yourself. Some chicken wire? Yeah. Instead of a black mesh shirt? Yeah. No.

I got closer than that. I don't even know where you're finding... What are your options in Maryborough at that time? You don't even have a country target at this point, do you? I don't think so. What we had was Fosse's, which then turned into country target. Okay, right, right, right. I bought a black thermal jumper.

Yep. That was the closest I could get. So I'm walking around in my head going, this is pretty cool. I've got the colour right. Yeah, it's black. It's more like, that's what my nan probably suggested I wear. Right. Instead of something cool.

Yeah, you look like you're about to go on a hike. Yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, great, you're going to, you know, you're going to go hiking. You're not going to fuck like an animal. You're going to go live with the animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Out in the woods.

I'm going to eat my own shit like an animal. Yeah. And how long did that last? Well, one of those things where no one's like, oh, that's a bad impression of Trent Reznor. Because people are like, that's not even an impression. Like, that's, I wouldn impression. Like, that's... I wouldn't even think that that's what you're trying to look like.

Right, right. You look like you're just a little bit cold. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. Good, good. You're not chilly anymore, Carl. Well done.

Yeah. I went through a big dressing like JK from Jamiroquai face. Oh, right. And really thinking I was pulling it off. Right. Really thinking this is cool. Never with the hat. Although, again, it's like what you're talking about.

I think if I had have been able to get my hands on a very inappropriate Native American headdress, I probably would have been whipping it out of the old party going like, let's, you know, when you're like 16, it's like, let's just roll the dice. Let's see how this goes. If you would have maybe had a loved pet die, I think you would have been looking to a loved pet die and be i think you would have been looking to get it stuffed at that point and whack it on the old bonds yeah skinned

and just wearing it over my skull yeah yeah a lot of striped shirts a lot of adidas right he wears a lot of adidas and then was very resistant to jeans because i had never in any photo or video ever seen jk wearing jeans and i was like if the great man isn't chucking on the levi's then i guess i'm never going to either so what were you wearing slacks just like black kind of just like pants well just like in concert and stuff yeah just like kind of breathable just like cotton like kind of black trousers did you think um the the um jk so jk is the bloke from jamiroquai jamiroquai is the band yeah but his name is jk um did you think he's making a did you think for a second fuck i can't he's sort of reversed nine inch nails in a way because nine inch nails is just one dude right

yes and people think they're a band and then jamiroquai is a band but people think they're abandoned And Jamiroquai is abandoned But people think that his name is Jamiroquai Yeah Did you think for a second last year Oh my god My hero He's storming the capital Well you know what He's rocked up at the White House

I actually only found this recently But that was like the meme that went around at the time It's like JK's gone mental And he's stormed the capital And then I only saw this like a couple of months ago but he did a video where he was like yeah look you know a lot of people out there saying this is me and that's just not my vibe man just like taking it head on like he did it like the day after and i was like that's pretty cool that's pretty funny that that's like yeah of course like he's you know

virtual insanity to literal insanity right i don't think he'd be very, like, tapped on with the socials and everything. Right. Like, you know, that's someone on his team, like, going like, hey, I think this is a good thing to do. That was weird. Get some hits. From what little I know about J.K., that was a weird little thing he had where, well, not a weird thing he had, just the way he was made up,

where he wore the fucking big hat. Yeah. The Grand Poobah membership hat. The Water Buffalo. Water Buffalo. Fred Flintstone. of a thing he had just the way he was made up where he wore the fucking big hat the the grand pooh bar um membership water buffalo from fred flintstone style yes and then wore um you know the rest of what i guess that great early 90s sort of like adopting cool sportswear sort of stuff the three stripes and stuff but then on top of that was just a massive fucking rev head with 17 fucking ferraris and the rest of the the evolution of him is so funny because he's like yeah first couple of albums he's very like

all their songs are about like saving the planet and like very for its time very like progressive things to be singing about in a pop song right and then yeah it gets a bit of money third album there's just multiple songs about how good driving is right like he goes from just this like pod head to just like yeah I'm rooting

hot girls from the TV and one of their video clips is just him driving around in a Lamborghini like the third album like the whole the travelling without moving album like the logo on it

is the like the little buffalo man but it's like replacing the little Ferrari thing yeah it's like literally from one album to the next he goes from like save the planet to thing. Yeah. It's like literally from one album to the next, he goes from like Save the Planet to like,

you know what? Let's just make a fucking big old carbon footprint. Let's go. Let's do a lap of the planet. I do remember having mates that were like, you know, you get the year at that age and anything that's in the NME or the Melody Maker and all that sort of stuff

and anything a bit different that's not rock and the contemporary sort of stuff that was out at the time. Cool, and like Jamiroquai posters on the wall and then a couple of years later, not so much though. Yeah. Not so much. It's not really seen as the alternative thing anymore. Just a bit of, no, no, that's a cunt doing a fucking burnout.

Yeah, he went straight pop. Yeah. But good on him. Thanks, Tony Close. Thanks, Tony Close, for inspiring that somehow. I think turning that into Nine Inch Nails was a bit of a stretch, and then we absolutely

went even further. Yeah, broke it apart. Well, thanks, Tony. Thanks, Tony Close. You get us closer to God. Yes. Meaning we did it calm. Yep. Thank you very much to second cab off the rank, which is the... Second face on the rock.

Yeah. Now, here is the... Now, who is this? It's not Benjamin Franklin because he's the third one. This is the bloke that I reckon probably the most unknown of the Mount Rushmore. See, scrap this cunt. Put someone over the top of him. Oh, I know who you want to put over the top.

Yeah. DJT. Yeah. The great man. Yeah. The great man. Yeah. Let's see. The fourth... Thomas Jefferson.

Okay. Right. He's the bloke I didn't know. TJ. TJ. The Thomas Jefferson of the Patreon feed this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber David Flynn. David Flynn.

Hmm. Hmm. So, what... The unknown one of this. No, he's not unknown. No. People know who Thomas Jefferson is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was on that sitcom in the 70s.

He, Flynn, in like Flynn. Yep. Meaning, got a bit of a pants man, this guy? Never seen it. I'm only familiar with it from the start of Austin Powers 2. Never seen. When he's watching it. Never seen what?

In Like Flynn. Is that a documentary or is it a movie? In Like Flynn. Yeah. It's a film. What is it? I don't know. Oh.

You just referenced it before. It's more of a saying. Oh, okay. Because Inlet Flynn references the great Errol Flynn. Ah. The swashbuckling Tasmanian-born Hollywood actor who was maybe known as the number one pants man of all time in Hollywood. Back when that would have been cool.

Yeah. Back when you could just publicly be like god i fuck a lot yeah well he um i mean i look it was uh not not in the front pages but he was just very known for it yeah let's um let's let's look up a little bit of errol flynn uh story because uh he was oh errol Flynn, the swordsman. Oh, yes. So he played a lot of, like, what are you, buccaneers and things like that.

But, yeah, he was a... He had good numbers, apparently. Let's see. Can you find the final tally on his, like, Wikipedia? That would be great if it's, like, you know when you go on the... If you go on the Wikipedia you go on the wikipedia for like steven spielberg and it's got film you go to like open up the filmography bit but you've got to go to a whole nother page because he's done so much yeah if errol flynn's wikipedia had like

conquests yeah and it was that it was its own wikipedia entry people rooted by errol flynn he got booted out of school uh for rooting a maid that worked at the school. So there we go. Yeah, that's cool. Very good start. Yep. What else have we got? He was...

Sorry, I'm just going through his history and trying to find the best bits. Who else has he fucked? Yeah. Well, there's not... I mean, what do you say? I mean, who do you know from that era? I could say he fucked Shirley Temple. He fucked Fatty Arbuckle. Yeah. Well, there's not... I mean, what do you say? Who do you know from that era? I could say he fucked Shirley Temple. He fucked Fatty Arbuckle.

Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Who else was back then? His mother's side of the family was slave traders. And he worked at a mining company. So, yeah, he's got some good shit up his sleeve. Yep, yep. He went to Papua New Guinea.

Okay. Wow. But was ambushed by a local tribe. Fuck, his real life is better than his movies. Yeah. Is there like a biopic? Yeah, well, In Like Flint is a... Oh, okay.

Yeah. In Like Flint is a bio of him. Okay, right, right, right. Wow. What the fuck? This is actually pretty good. So he was in Papua New Guinea. He got ambushed.

He shot one of the locals and then went to bed and then got up in the next day and the local authorities grabbed him and charged him with murder. He then represented himself in the trial in Papua New Guinea.

Imagine doing that in the 30s or whatever. Yeah. I don't really, I wouldn't be backing Errol Flynn, but this is where the silver-tongued devil has absolutely shone through. He got off. Nice. I bet he did. Fuck it.

Yeah. If there's one thing I know how to do, it's get myself off. Fucking hell. That's amazing. That shows how much of a pants man he is. I've never even heard of that. He's rooting exploits of overshadowed, shooting someone, a tribesman in Papua New Guinea, defending himself and then getting off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking hell. I love this guy. That's amazing. Even though he's Descended Yeah Slave traders

The thing I'm reading is Later on it goes He had a violent side though It's like yeah yeah We know he shot somebody Yeah yeah yeah Is this what is it Is this his wiki

No this is just something else Okay Errol Flynn dot com No Errol Flynn dot net Ah right right Yeah Fuck man He loved to party Apparently He No, Errol Flynn dot net. Ah, right, right, right.

Fuck, man. He loved to party, apparently. He, uh... I don't want to waste everyone's time with this. I'm in an R-ing. Do your own research into Errol Flynn. Yep. Use Errol Flynn's Wikipedia page to work out whether or not you should get vaccinated.

Do your own research into Errol Flynn and, you know, that'll tell you everything you need to know. Yeah. It's pretty hard to read a bio where it's like, yes, who did he root? How many numbers did he have? Yeah. But you would think that would be like a, yeah, I think that's probably like conflicting numbers out there. But that's surely like urban legend-y kind of stuff. Yeah.

He, I think he was known for having a lot of disease as well. Right, right, right. So, yeah. He, yeah, all right, look, that'll do. That'll do. That'll do. That's enough. But of course this person's heard that all before.

His descendant, right? Same name? Flynn? Flynn, yes. Sure. Well, yeah, we just... This is, you know, boring for a lot of listeners, but especially for our Patreon subscriber we're talking about because they're just hearing facts about their, you know...

Dad. Their dad. Yeah. Well, look, but most of Jan is because he grew up in Tasmania. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he fucked heaps yeah so there must be heaps of little flint's running around out there should be like every second person you meet has the surname flint yeah no totally um what i like uh sorry another thing i'm reading here is he's saying it says

from his early days biting off sheep testicles on an Australian farm nice that's where you got a taste for it we all start somewhere um he I do look he's a he's a he's a massive uh even he admits it in terms of he put out his his autobiography posthumously in 1959 okay man that's how much rooting he did. He's like, I can't, this can't be released while I'm alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his autobiography was called My Wicked, Wicked Ways. Yeah, nice.

Not even My Wicked Ways. No. Fucking hell. People need to know. That is wicked. People need to know what they're getting into when they pick up the book. That's so wicked.

Anyway, Errol Flynn, your dad, David, rooted a lot of people. Yeah. He even bit off sheep's balls so that no sheep could be known in Tasmania as rooting more than him. Exactly. He heard people say, as randy as a ram. And he's like, well, I'm going to take that out of the competition.

Exactly. I'm going to be randier than a ram. There'll be no rooting from this ram from now on. I'm going to eat its balls to try and gain some of its powers exactly to gain its randiness Tasmanian witchcraft

yeah well thanks David thanks David you're as randy with your and promiscuous with your with your Patreon dollars

as your dad was with his balls yeah nice yeah and congratulations on being the the Benjamin Franklin As your dad was with his balls. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. And congratulations on being the Benjamin Franklin or whoever the fuck I said it was. Teddy.

Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy Roosevelt. That's it. No, Thomas Jefferson. Oh. Yeah, Thomas Jefferson. That's who you are. That's the one face on the Patreon Mount Rushmore statue fucking wall fucking mountain that has not just a face but dick and balls as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lower down the mountain. Yeah, yeah. That's how you climb up there. You can grab onto it, yeah. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber and the Teddy Roosevelt of the Patreon mountain. Aaron Lee. Aaron Lee.

Okay. Yep. Double A, R-O-N. Do you reckon you'd ever go with Ronnie as a nickname? Quite like Aaron. You do like him? I'd stick with Aaron. Okay.

But you know, like in the States, they pronounce it a bit more like Aaron. Oh, do they? Yeah, sort of. Oh, Aaron. What's a famous Aaron? I watch shows where it's like there'll be people talking about someone. I assume the person's name is Aaron and then it comes up on the screen. No, yeah.

Like an inner reality thing. Yeah. Double A-R-O-N. Yeah. Does anyone do that ronnie for aaron surely i feel like someone aaron doesn't lend itself to any other nickname no but i feel like if someone introduced themselves to me as ronnie and then they were like and then i found out down the line that their name was aaron i'd be like, cunt, you are taking them, Nick.

You've made up a new name. Yeah. Totally. I wonder if you, can you, do people have babies and then, you know, we've talked about this before where, say like you, if you're, you're named Thomas, not Tommy. But then some people are named Tommy. Yeah. Do you ever get a baby and go, straight up Ronnie? Not Ronald.

Not Aaron. Surely, yeah. I'd say definitely that's happened. Is Ronnie Chang friend of the show? Ex-friend of the show? Maybe friend of the show still? Who knows? One day.

One day again. Is he a Ronnie? Not holding out hope. No, I think he's... I don't think he's a Ronnie. I think he's... I think he was telling me once that his name... I was like,

what is your actual full name? And he's like, you wouldn't be able to pronounce it, so I'm not going to bother telling you once that his name, I was like, what is your actual full name? And he's like, you wouldn't be able to pronounce it, so I'm not going to bother telling you. Right, right, right. So Ronnie's just a name he's made up. It's a... Like a Bill's Fish. It's like a stage name, but for the English language. Right. Steve's fish shop and Bill's fish shop is what I think Greek people would come to Australia or whatever.

Yeah. And go, well, I'm not going to whack up my Christian name that starts with an X. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. And then try and get people to buy potato cakes off me. Yeah. My name is Bill. My name's Robbo. Yeah.

Robboopolis. Yeah. Yeah. It was Robbo. Yeah. Robboopolis. Yeah. Don't come down to Xanthius and think you're going to get a fucking fried Mars bar.

That's it. Yeah. So it's something like that, as I understand it. He could also very well have been fucking with me when he said that. Who knows? Right. Well, this guy. Maybe it's Aaron.

Aaron Chang. Maybe it's Aaron Chang Aaronie Chang. Maybe it's Aaron Chang. Aaron Chang, I love it. Because there's an Aaron Chang, so. Oh, yeah? Yeah, so maybe, yeah. Do you think that is unusual now that I think, now that you say it, Aaron Chang is a funny, you know, a much-loved friend of the show. What a great guy he is.

Chinny baby. But Aaron Chang is a very funny mix of cultural names, I think. Yeah, I guess so. I wonder if it's the same sort of thing. We'll have to ask him one day. Yeah. And I would say not get a straight answer. Aroni.

Aroni. Aroni Lee. Arotan Aron. Arotan Aron. Arotan Aron. uh erroni erroni erroni lee errotten erron errotten erron errotten erroni errotten erroni errotten erroni lee yep leo erroni strikes me so much as one of those facebook names where it's like lee's not your last name that's your middle name and you're not wanting to put your last name on here oh right right right, right, right. Don't you think? Yeah. You know what I've noticed them women like to do?

Them? Rose is the fake last name. Oh, yeah. On the book. Yeah. You see a lot of that. Oh, yeah. Maybe I should do that.

Carl Rose. Yeah, Tommy Rose. We've both resisted the... The fake name. The fake name. Yeah. Maybe it's time to give in. Yeah, I guess so.

I really don't understand. I mean, I guess... I mean... It's annoying. It's changed a lot because it's now people messaging you that you're not friends with. It goes to another folder. Yeah. So you don't have to...

Let's say you're like a TV personality. It's very easy to not engage with that. Yeah. And also like... Yeah, you get friend requests from people you don't know. Just ignore them. Yeah. Just leave them. Yeah. I don't really understand what the big... What the big kerfuff is. Yep. And also like, yeah, you get friend requests from people you don't know, just ignore them. Yeah. Just leave them.

Yeah. I don't really understand what the big, what the big kerfuff is. Yeah. Lock your page down, make it unsearchable, make it private.

Yeah. It's all pretty easy to do. Also, who cares about Facebook? Yeah. Well, I think a mutual friend of ours has very recently

gone the way of that and made a very weird, funny little name for themselves, which, cool, I very weird, funny little name for themselves, which, cool, I get it, but also, cunt, how do I fucking message you now? You've got some impenetrable new name that I have no memory of. Like, I put half your name in and nothing comes up. It's like a new, you know, that whole thing.

No, I know who you're talking about. It's not just like switching, it's not doing it like pig Latin style. It's not spoonerism, it's not just like switching the it's not doing it like pig latin style because this person ism it's yeah completely just balls up well this person also did this if it's the same person we're talking about which i assume it is while i was at a like at a um wedding that they were going to be at and there was like a big group message about something that was happening and they made this change kind of halfway through this thing. So like the beginning of us all communicating was their name. And then just midway through this trip, the name has changed. And it's like, who the fuck's this?

Has some just random cunt been added to this like group chat where we're trying to organise a dinner? And then went, oh, right, okay. Trying to just fully mid-wedding go off the grid. Trying to get out of putting in for the wedding present. Maybe, yeah. I was never actually invited. This person that we're talking about did say to me,

when the whole kerfuffle of my wedding, when people didn't buy presents and all that sort of stuff, I was explaining to him because he chipped in this person. And I said to him, yeah, man, can you believe this? Can you fucking believe the comedians that like, just think, they're just thinking of themselves and don't think to bring a fucking present. And he goes,

yeah, I wouldn't have brought a present. My girlfriend made me. Yeah. So, anyway, cheers. Um, thanks Aaron,

Aaron, Aaron, Aaron, Aaron. Um, thank you very much to the fourth on the Mount Rushmore of the Patreon feed. Of course, the Abraham Lincoln of the feed. Thank you very much to Dylan Shea. Dylan Shea.

The Abraham Lincoln. I was going to say the wooden tooth motherfucker, but that's Anthony Close. Yeah, yeah, That's Big Washoe Yeah The The Dillon Panthers The Oh yeah the Dillon Panthers

Or the The The cunt that gets Shot In the back of the head Yeah As he's listening To this

The theatre Of Of the current day Oh I see No he's at the Athenaeum Right Oh yeah right And he's shot in the face by bad comedy.

He's like commissioning his own hitman. He's like, I don't want to watch another second of this rot. Someone come and fucking blow my brains out, please. Because, you know, he was shot by like an unemployed actor. Yeah. So this is Dylan Shea at the Athenaeum.

At the Athenaeum. At the Athenaeum. Watching the 500 slash 600th episode when he's shot by an open mic that couldn't get on the podcast. That's it.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Wow. Yeah. You know, you know that, this is what I heard the other day actually,

the, Abraham Lincoln was shot in the, in the theatre. Yep. Watching a play. But, but back then

the theatre was basically like podcasting it was sort of a bit like you know embarrassing it was to be seen at the theatre

yeah something to be ashamed of so when he was shot in the theatre they actually dragged him out and went don't so he was here at the theatre oh right

so he's he's been shot in the fucking head beating off in a public toilet yeah and they're like just Abe just fucking hang on till we can get you out into this fucking glory hole

or something a bit less embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stick your dick through this hole and then say, great, he was shot. Someone was trying to make a new glory hole. They missed. Shot him in the head. It's like how they,

there's that urban legend how they, anytime someone is injured gravely at Disney World or Disneyland, they always make sure the Ambos declare them dead in the car park so that they can say no one has died. It's like that, but it's like instead of the park wanting to preserve their image, it's someone bleeding out going like, God, this is so lame if I've died at Disney World. Tell the Ambos I can see the white light.

Just get them to do it when I'm off the property. It's so embarrassing. I love the idea they're like, zero deaths ever at Disneyland. Oh, cool. Oh, I guess that's a good reason to go. That'll attract me to go. However, don't go to the car park.

One million people have died there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like an ancient Indian burial ground out there. The idea that Disney think that they're on such shaky ground, that just like someone in a freak, someone like standing up on Splash Mountain when they're not meant to and being decapitated would make people go, well, I'm never going there.

Yeah. I think Disney are on much more firmer footing than that. Yeah. But who knows? Maybe it would turn people off. Just people choking on chicken bones in the concession stand there. It's like, instead of people doing the Heimlich maneuver, it's like, let's just get this kind of roller skates and push him that way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Doing like 80% of the Heimlich maneuver. We can't fully save him. We've worked that out. Getting him on the teacup ride and just trying to go around in circles just to fling him out of the park. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love that. Well, yeah. But again, great trying to go around in circles just to fling him out of the park yeah yeah yeah love that well yeah but again great reason to go to Disneyland you'll live forever yeah move in yeah yeah

it's the fountain of youth yeah just get there stack four walls around yourself secede from the country of Disneyland yep

but then again that means you're not in Disneyland anymore that means you're not bulletproof anymore okay alright a flaw in the plan yeah a flaw in the ointment finally what was this cunt's name again Yep. But then again, that means you're not in Disneyland anymore. That means you're not bulletproof anymore. Okay. All right.

A floor in the plan. Yeah. A fly in the ointment. Finally. What was this cunt's name again? Finally, a floor in the plan of living in Disneyland and never dying. Yeah. Dylan Shea.

Dylan Shea. Yes. Dylan. The coolest of all names, of course. I think it's pretty neat. You do. I'm picturing it, though, as the spelling of the Dylan Panthers, which I realise now is completely incorrect on my part.

That's it. No, you're right. Bob Dylan, of course. Lame-ass name. Dylan Thomas, maybe. Yeah. Also lame. Yeah, lame. Just cunts that fucking rhyme words and think it's cool.

Yeah. Yeah, cool. Cat and hat. Well done, Dr. Zeus. I want to suck your dick. Mm. That is... Oh, God.

To be honest... Here comes a great riff about sucking off Dr. Seuss. Yeah, I want to get a green egg out of your... Whatever. Shout out to music that did make poetry way fucking cooler yeah that's true so before that

it was people sitting around just rhyming rhyming things and then someone's just like making a little beat on their knee and then all of a sudden do a bit of skiffle

yeah yeah yeah banging something together now this is cool we've got a Patreon was that my door yeah that was your door oh okay no let's just finish this off

yeah thanks Dylan Shay anyway fifth one thank you very much President Comedy okay thanks everyone thanks bye bye We've got a Patreon. Was that my door? Yeah, that was your door. No, let's just finish this off. Thanks, Dylan Shea. Anyway, fifth one. Thank you very much. President Comedy. Okay, thanks, everyone. Bye. Thanks, bye. Bye.