The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 597 - Marty Sheargold & Judith Lucy

Episode Date: March 8, 2022

We're back at our old stomping ground of Austereo this week, as we catch up with JUDITH LUCY and MARTY SHEARGOLD! Judith and Marty take us on a trip down memory lane as they reminisce about the disgusting origins of comedy in Melbourne, as well as getting absolutely poleaxed at the Hobart Comedy Festival. Meanwhile, Marty's had a rough trot at one of Karl's gigs and Judith's been to a saucy osteo. Have a listen and then go for a spin on the dodgem cars. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dumb Dumb Club, a brand new episode with guests Judith Lucy and Marty Sheargold. And this episode of The Little Dumb Dumb Club is brought to you by friend of the show, Nazeem Hussain. That's right, he's doing a bunch of shows coming up very shortly over various comedy festivals. He's in Melbourne from the 31st of March through to the 24th of April. He's with his new show, Hussain That, whatever that means. It sounds okay out loud, but on paper, it looks horrendous.

It sounds fine out loud. I still don't know what it's meant to be. I think it's supposed to be saying who's saying that. Who's saying that. You know that classic saying? Who's saying that.

Who's saying that. Who's on first? Yeah. Who's saying that? When does anyone ever say that? I don't get it. Just ideas for things you could heckle the show with

while you're sitting there watching it. The whole rest of the hour, like the hour of stand-up is great. The worst bit is the title. That's out of the way right now. That's true of most shows. Although I guess there's some shows where people are walking out going, man, great title. Horrible hour of comedy.

I've had a few of those. So, then he's over to Perth. Must be nice. On the 6th of May one showing the big regal theater so uh perth get along to that then sydney it's your turn 13th of may uh at the end more theater yeah big gigs so plenty of room get into these ones and then up there brisbane you love comedy in brisbane the 21st uh first of May. He's at the Powerhouse Theatre up there. One and done. Yeah. Big, big, big boy show. So get along. Everyone,

Melbourne, Perth, Sydney, Brisbane, you've all got to go and see Naz. One of the great friends of the show. Yes. Very funny man and look, whenever you hear ads like this, they're usually management companies have hit us up and gone, we'll pay you this much to do an ad. Yep.

What we're doing with this ad is we're paying him for being on the Adelaide show last week. Because it's impossible to get an invoice out of him. Yeah. So this is just easier. Yes. So about 10 minutes ago, I hit up him and his management and went, do you guys want a free ad up the top of the show instead of bothering to do invoices? And they said yes.

Okay. So this is it. So that's it. So get along. Yeah, he's a great actor. He's a great guy. You could do absolutely, looking at the Festival Guides, you could do much, much worse than go and see Nazeem.

It's officially out. So now you can have a look and find out the worst shows that you can go and see. 98% of the shows are worse than Nazeem, I would say. Cream rises to the top, and Nazeem, I would say. Cream rises to the top and Nazeem, he's a creamy boy. Yeah, see, that'd be a better title. Krazim

rise to the top. See, that's better than Hussein that already. That's just a good show title in general. Cream rises to the top and baby, I'm the cream. Go and see Nazeem Hussain. Of course, we are doing shows in Melbourne, Perth. I think that's it. That's it for now.

But you'll hear all about that in the back end up in Talking Dum Dum after you hear this latest episode. Yes, littledumdumclub.com if you cannot wait to hear those dates spoken about later. But until then, enjoy this new one with Marty Sheargold and Judith Lucey. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me, as always, the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day,head. Listen to the timber even of that silence. We're in a

proper radio studio. This is beautiful. I want to talk as much as I can to get banging over a buck. That's it. Well we are at my house I've put the egg cartons on the walls. We've got proper baffling going on. We've been down to our Dick Smith. That's it. Let's welcome our two very special guests joining us today. We have Marty Sheargold and Judith Lucy. Yes!

Yes! And we're on the clock. Judith's Marty Sheargold and Judith Lucy. Yes! And we're on the clock. Judith's having lunch with Sam Pang. I am. So let's get cracking. I mean, already, you know, I'm sitting in an Oz stereo studio, so this is fucked. I must really love you guys. There's no guarantee Pang will turn up.

Have you absolutely confirmed that he'll be there? Yes. Is that his reputation? Yes. I mean, I don't know what your relationship with him is like, Marty, but he has never, ever let me down. So maybe it's more an indication of you. I guess I'm just thinking about his work history when I suggest

that he may not turn up. Oh, what's up? Seven o'clock start in the morning. Of course. You know, one front bar a month off. Multiple have you been paying attentions off a year. So he might not turn up for entree. It might just be who he is.

This is a man who just knows how to say no. You know what I'm saying? He lacks your desperation. He does. He can get a much better contract than you can, Marty. You're absolutely right. I'm sorry that I am already sensing some bitterness. When you signed on to Triple M, Marty, were you like,

can I get the paying deal? Can we get the paying deal happening? No, because I wanted to work. Marty said, I'll pay you to turn up at 5am. The difference between Pangey and I is I like working. And I have a Catholic work ethic that Pang missed out. I don't know why I'm talking like Sam Pang's mother, but maybe Sam is a bit of a less is more guy.

Maybe he's more quality over quantity, Marty. I haven't seen any of's mother, but maybe Sam is a bit of a less is more guy. Maybe he's more quality over quantity. I haven't seen any of the quality, but I know what you're saying. Wow. I feel like this has turned into an entire show about Sam Pang. I don't mind it. He doesn't even have to be here, so that's power. I am very pro-Pang. We bonded over the 1980s West Indian cricket team many years ago,

and frankly, we've never looked back. Oh, Gus Logie brought you together. More of Yves Richards and Whispering Death. Right. What's Whispering Death? Oh, that's his name. Michael Holding. I didn't know that.

Oh, get with it. Sorry. I'm a menopausal woman who hasn't watched cricket since 1982, Carl, and I know that. I'm amazed that you loved cricket, Jude, for no other reason than I've never heard you speak about cricket. Well, see, again, Sam Pang. He brings the cricketer out of you.

Absolutely. No, I had an older brother, so it was a case of if you can't beat him, join him. So I know everything about cricket from about 72 to 82 and then I'm gone. I mean, you know, I have Rod Marsh's autograph. Yes. Yeah. You know, names like Lily, Pascoe, Marsh, the Chappell brothers.

They're familiar. They are. Our family was obsessed with them. So once Kim Hughes cried on TV, that was out. I was out of there. I was out of there. You're like a real purist. You're like, cricket hasn't been good since 1982.

Exactly. You're right. Yeah. The new episodes, they're not as right. There's nothing else there, gentlemen. Let's move on. Seriously, it's like I liked Viv Richards and Michael Holding and that's it. Imran Khan, there you go. He went on to other things. One of the great pants men.

Imran Khan? Well, my mother was obsessed with him, but then again she was a woman who wore a visible sanitary napkin around the home. So I don't know if he would have reciprocated that. I don't reckon he would have loved that. No, but you know, you just don't know what goes on, do you, behind closed doors?

Jemima may well have been into a bit of that herself. Absolutely. In the early days of the relationship. Who are we to judge? Absolutely. Who are we to judge a man who might like a woman who really owns her sanitary pad? There you go.

There was more in it. Well, there was a lot more in it. Because, of course, these were the days, too, when pads were the size of a carton of Winnie Blues. You weren't left wondering with Anne Lucy. The same as the cricket pads, yeah. Very similar and provided similar protection. I talk about that in my stand-up show, Jude, that Mum used to try and hide her packet of sanitary pads from us and it was like trying to hide a beanbag in an en suite.

Yeah, yeah, I hear you. They were enormous. Enormous. Enormous. And frankly, in the Lucy household, you couldn't open a drawer without an enormous pad just leaping up and hitting you in the head. They were everywhere.

It was honestly like they were breeding. I don't know what Mum got up to. Anyway, God rest her. We're just workshopping your openness for this lunch with paying after this. We're just workshopping openness for the lunch that you're going to have with paying after this. You come in firing. Word around

the Austerio building is that you've got poor work ethic, Pang. How do you answer that? Get the lunch off to a roaring start. I'll report back to you next time I'm on. In fact, I'll record the conversation. Let's let Sam Pang and my mother's pads go. I think that's what we need to do. Good call, Jude.

All right. This is overwhelming because we are recording in Austereo. People will have noticed the... Austereo, of course, is the overarching name of the company that hosts like Triple M and Fox. Whatever the big radio stations are in your city, that. Yep. I've been sacked by them. Right. So have I, Jude. It's a very big club, actually.

It must be nice. We've never had the pleasure. Oh, guys. We haven't been employed. We haven't been sacked. Well, we've been employed to a certain degree. Yeah. We used to record the podcast in this very room when we first started.

Ten years ago. Yeah. Ten. Yeah. Triple M had just launched a digital radio station. And so they would air the podcast on this digital radio station. And in return, we could come in here and record. And we did that for a couple of years.

It was great. And what went wrong? The station went under. And so they emailed us saying. Well, that's what they told us. Yeah. Yeah. Which bit of that was about you getting paid?

Was it just the use of the space? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But which bit of that was about you getting paid? Was it just the use of the space? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how they went under, given they were not paying anyone anything. But, yeah. Low overheads. Their overheads seem very low. I think they just changed the locks, I believe. Well, yeah, they told us, so obviously this arrangement has to end,

but then they never cancelled our swipe passes, so we would come in here and record it the middle of the evening every week. Midnight, a couple of midnight records. Yeah, really. Depending on the profile of the guest, what we could get away with, if it was just our mates. You could drift in at midnight. Come in at the 3am shift and all of a sudden if it was someone of your calibre, we'd be

like, I wonder if anyone's around at midday at triple M. Probably. We could just sneak under our jacket like two children sneaking into a porno cinema. I'm just still, you know, enjoying your caliber, Marty. You see, we've reached that point in our careers. We're caliber. Yeah, caliber worthy. Yeah.

Just people being paid. Like it's just foreign to us. It's just extraordinary that we've been doing it for so long. I quite often can't believe it myself. It's just, you know. When was your first gig, Jude? 1989, Marty Sheargold. 1989.

Yes. And who were the real headlining acts in 89? Who were you getting tips from? Your Gary Hoos and your George Smilovitches. Well, more of a Sydney flavour there. But you know what? The found objects, who of course went on to become Lena Woodley, were downstairs at the last laugh.

You had the Natural Normans. The Natural Normans. I was only talking to Colin Lane about the Natural Normans yesterday. There you go. And for those people who don't know the Natural Normans. The Natural Normans. I was only talking to Colin Lane about The Natural Normans yesterday. There you go. And for those people who don't know The Natural Normans, that was Lynne McGrainger, the late, great Linda Gibson, Sally Ann Upton, and a little lady called Denise Scott. Okay.

And they used to dress up as men and sing sleazy songs to ladies. And because The Last Laugh was such a classy theatre restaurant where people drank until they vomited through their nose. And, you know, I've never gotten to the bottom of whether the story about a human turd being found under a table at The Last Laugh is true, but I'm going to put money on the fact that it was. It could have been. So often people would be so blind that they would think that Linda Gibson in particular dressed up as a man was in fact a man. I love that. And yeah, you had a lot of drunk ladies throwing themselves at Gibbo.

That's where they came up with the idea for the footy show for the first time. Wow. Except, you know, a bit of a gender reversal. Would Fleety have been working in those days? Fleety was around. Anthony Morgan was around. Andrew Goodwin was around. I think Con Morasco hosted my first ever gig.

Yes. Also known as Tony Rickards. Tim Smith, The Empty Pockets. How many gigs in do you reckon it took until you gave money to Fleety? Oh, that's an unfair question. Two, three. But in fact, funnily enough, I remember the first ever gig I did with Greg Fleet, which was, I'd only been doing it for a few months.

And you know what? Ironically, it was for a policeman's lunch in Fitzroy. Wow. So there we were, just entertaining the fuzz. That's what he was sentenced to, to perform there. Maybe. What did it look like in those days, Jude? What did the scene look like?

Was there a structure? Did people have managers or was it all you got booked by the bloke running the roof? Marty, there were penises as far as the eye could see. I would have thought so. Any other ladies on the scene? Very few ladies doing stand-up because even, you know, Scotty was around doing the Natural Normans. She was doing more sort of theatre-based stuff.

You know, you had the wonderful Bob Down and Coralie Hollow. Of course, Mark Trevorrow and Gina Riley doing Pick A Hit downstairs but, you know, not doing stand-up. So really the only ladies who were full on doing stand-up were Ms Harmer and Ms Berger. Yes, of course. So Wendy Harmer and Rachel Berger. Yes, right.

So, yeah, lots of cocks. You know, as a lady, you'd often be going on after seven men had talked about their penises and bongs. So I always went down a treat. I can tell you. What were you doing? Vagin' bongy? Oh, no, I was, yeah, yeah, did a bit of vag. But see, I was always a joint girl, Marty, so not so much Bond gear from me.

And of course, I was taking a lot of heroin. No, I wasn't. That came later. Great days. Performers Management were the only people around. Performers Management, I remember that group. They managed a few people. I was with them briefly.

I won't go into names, but to give you an idea of the calibre of their management, I'm sure I'll mention Scotty's name. Scotty's agent at that time once, well, I'll put it this way, Bonnie, Scotty's daughter, picked up the phone and went, Mum, I think your agent's on the phone, but he's trying to order a pizza. Mum, I think your agent's on the phone, but he's trying to order a pizza. So they went from strength to strength, as did all of our careers. And maybe the problem was they were a bit too diverse,

like they actually managed comedians and opera singers. And I just don't know if that's a great balance. You've got to stay in your lane. Where was your first one? Was it the SB? Yeah. Talk us through it.'ve got to stay in your lane. Where was your first one? Was it the SB? Yeah. The SB on it. Talk us through it. It was good, the first one.

I had to borrow my mate Dino Glennon's shirt because I didn't have a shirt and I had an idea that you had to have a shirt to do stand-up. But he was 6'7". So the depth of the width of the rolled sleeve to get that shirt to fit was like I had a cricket, a forearm guard on by the time I got out on stage because I'd rolled the sleeves up so much. Very Viv Richard style. It was very sort of, it was very nighty length,

I would describe it as. Just above the knee. Just a touch of the wee willy winkies of ours. Captain Snooze. It had a real vibe. And the first one was good. There was a second one that was disastrous. All the adrenaline in the first one, of course.

And I thought I was hilarious. And I cracked the code. And then the second one, the chat started at the back of the room. And by the time I'd finished doing whatever I was doing, the whole place was having a conversation. Like I mean every person in that room. They're having their own conversation. I was like, well, I'll shoot off then.

Yeah, people say that like walking the entire room is the worst thing in comedy. I think like people making the decision, it's like, we don't want to watch this. We'd rather have a conversation elsewhere, is not as mortifying than everyone in the room going like, we can just chat over this. This person isn't even worth the respect of leaving the room.

We're not going to leave. We're going to talk until you do. Yeah. As I was. Mercifully for everyone. I talked to the room last night. It was brutal. Speaking of comedy rooms, so I've run for 14 years a room called Comedy at Spleen in

the city. Now that, I don't believe- Tough room. No, it's no tough room at all. We'll get into that. We'll get into that. I don't believe that you've ever performed there. Many chats while Marty's on at Spleen. Good luck if you do, Jude. No. No to sell. No. I'm not a tough room at all. We'll get into that. We'll get into that. I don't believe that June's ever performed there. Many chats while Marty's on it.

No. Good luck if you do, June. No. No to self. No. No. Not at all. No, no, no.

Well, let's get into that. No, it's been running for 40 years. What it is, it's a lovely room. What you've got is you've got big names of your calibre, once again, but not your specific You've got it. Those sort of people coming in at this time of year, Comedy Festival, running a bit of new gear. Then you've got your very steady pro comics that maybe aren't TV names in this town doing material.

Then there's room. People like Dave Hughes. No, that's not what I said at all. Give that little up and comer a go. Come on. He's never had enough opportunity, though. Not to blow smoke up Carl's ass, but it is a great room. I'll say this, Jude, if this sways you to come do it.

There's never been a human turd found under a table in there. There has been a man shit himself in the audience, passed out asleep. But that remained in the seat, not under a table. You're not doing yourself any favours here, Tommy. I don't care. I mean, sure, I like an audience that shits themselves as much as the next person. But I might weigh up my options. But where are we going here, Carl? Well, I'm trying an audience that shits themselves as much as the next person, but I might weigh up my options. But where are we going here, Carl?

Well, I'm trying to get there. He's going to get to me being none from three. And the last thing I said when I was on stage in that room was to a young German backpacker in the front row who's about 20 whilst I was talking about the world before the internet. Oh! How to get down with the young people. I actually said to her, I'm not going to be here for much longer.

I won't take up much more of your time. Well, it does attract. It's got newcomers coming in as well, like in terms of performers. But it did attract a very young crowd because it was free. It was gold coin donation based, which meant you get a lot of backpackers in. But, of course, Marty. Where did they come from, though? Where are those back?

In the CBD, obviously. But is it near a backpacker? They're just looking. They're just Googling. They're just looking for CBD. They're Googling free things. Can I say, having seen Marty on another evening many years ago where he was dealing with an older gentleman, that that's where he really comes into his own. The people.

He just knows how to deal with... You know, this was a gig in Hobart, Marty, and Hobart was bound to come up. Jude always remembers this gig. It wasn't my finest moment. I love this story. Because, look, this was the Hobart Comedy Festival, and some people will remember... It was very early days, Jude.

It was very early days. It was disastrous. It was like every comedian in Melbourne went to this Hobart Comedy Festival, and the good people of Hobart just went, we're not that interested. We're not going to come to any of the shows. Except for Paul Capson, who was killing it. I don't even think he was. Wasn't he?

No, I don't believe anyone. He had a better room than we were. Well, that wouldn't have been hard. And to this day, we don't know why. It might have been because there was a four-part Beatles documentary on the TV and they didn't know how to work a VCR. I don't know. But one theory was that there were no local comedians.

So the locals decided to, you know. Boycott. Exactly. Oh, really? Anyway, so look, long story short, Marty, Greg, Fleet and I hung out together a lot and drank an awful lot. It was really. And took a lot of Mogadons too, from memory. Fleet was having a Mogadon period.

And I was happy to fight a couple of those off. Yeah, but you were hilarious because you would always want to have one at the start of the night and Fleet and I would go, no, no, no, it's for later, mate. Wow. Anyway, so Fleet and I... Fleetie going, it's too early for drugs. Wow. Well, because we just wanted to be conscious

for a little bit longer. But anyway, so Fleet and I had done our gigs, so we went to watch Marty's spot before the three musketeers continued drinking. Anyway, like we and I had done our gigs, so we went to watch Marty's spot before the three musketeers continued drinking. Anyway, like I said, Hobart wasn't really behind the festival, and Marty was doing a gig, and some old guy has stood up and said something. I don't remember what.

No, I remember now. You were laying into Hobart. Was I? That was it. What a stupid thing to do. Number Hobart. You was it. Which, boy, was obviously the way to win the crowd over. Anyway, so this old guy's gotten up and just said something like, oh, you know, cut it out. And Marty has simply gone, why don't you shut up, you old cunt?

And all I remember is Fleety and I Like catching each other's eye Just we were on opposite sides of the stage And I think we were both thinking Let's just run for it Why didn't we let him at the Mogadon early? Yeah, well, that was our mistake Because we just thought the whole audience was going to go nuts

Because there wasn't a great vibe at that time And Fleety's feedback to me was always when I was a young comic, why do you always start on the back foot and always say something ridiculous that just sets you back for the rest of the time? It took me years to get out of that habit. It was like a challenge. But I'm saying, you know, I'm sorry for wasting your time, is a little gentler than shut up, you old cunt.

So there's a man who's mature. I like it though. The story I tell of Jude on that trip is when Jude rang down to get a bottle of champagne and we were giving it a nudge. By the way, you know, I do need to add that Flady and Marty were simply living on my bedroom floor because they were in like an apartment which had no

room service, but old Muggins here was in the hotel and so we could order shit. I'm still waiting for that bill to be settled by Marty Sheargold and Greg Flake, but anyway. You set this story up like the festival was an awful experience. This sounds awesome so far.

Oh, it actually was awesome. The rounds for gigs was wonderful. It was great. I lost a lot of money, but we had a good time. We tapped into Jude. We had a big seafood lunch that Jude paid for. Anyway, Jude rings down to Recipo and goes, can you send up a bottle of champagne, please?

And they go, well, you've drunk us out of whatever we were drinking. We were drinking, Mowie. We could not have been more unbearable, by the way. And they go, well, we've only got yellow Glen. And Jude goes, I'd rather drink my own piss. Yeah, that really happened. And then immediately picks the phone back up and goes, send the yellow Glen up.

Oh, because Greek Fleet had a moment of inspiration at that point because he said, no, hang on, Jude, hang on. We can have snake bites if we get a bottle of yellow Glen and they put a shot of vodka in the champagne. So, yeah, so I don't think we ordered a bottle of vodka, but I think we must have gotten like a glass of vodka, so we put the vodka in the yellow glade. Anyway, where there's a will, there's a way.

Fleety's the most well-behaved one on this trip so far. He's the guiding light. Don't do drugs before the gig. We did drink a lot on that trip, didn't we? We drank a lot. And I was only a young bloke. I would have been struggling to keep up. Oh, not from memory.

I think we were all doing just fine. And, of course, never let, you know, housekeeping in. So my room was disgusting. And I heard some story afterwards that they actually hadn't seen a room that revolting since Motorhead or someone like that had stayed there. Since Macy Gray was shit-smearing on her big world tour. Some of that's made up. For treating my audience with respect, a comedy at Spleen. Wonderful room. I've been unlucky. You at Comedy at Splane. Wonderful room.

I've been unlucky. You've been unlucky. I've been unlucky. That's the thing. Now, you've got a real thing where you've already, like, as soon as I bring this up, there's a trigger with you. You're saying to Judith, don't go down there. I never said don't go down to Jude.

It's a beautiful room. He didn't. You've had a rough trot there. I've come to that conclusion all on my own. You've had a slightly rough trot down there. But look, your experience was down there, but look, your experience was down there pre-pandemic. Now that's because-

Oh, you think post-pandemic is a different route? Well, there's no backpackers. I think that's the thing you were scared of. I think that's the thing, that's where you become a cropper, I think, down there, because like you were coming out there and talking directly to 17-year-old Swedish backpackers

about Expo 88 and fondue sets, stuff that you've had in the back pocket for about 25 years. I should have hit some other areas. Yeah. And you were not getting a lot of response from that key demo, I think, given the material you were putting out there. And even as I was looking at it, I was thinking none of this is going to work. I was mentally flicking through the file going, what?

I can't do that. I'm really, really surprised that Expo 88 didn't work. Just because it happened before they were born. I mean, come on, people, show some imagination. And it was so irritating because Pete Hellyer walked out one night and did a whole routine about Apollo 11 or something. Right. Pre-dating your old material.

How the fuck, sir? This is stepping all over my Apollo 10 gear. I'm fucked. He's gone further back than I did. But he's obviously tapped into Universal themes, Marty, which somehow your Expo 88 gear did not. It didn't work. I think they recognised him from the project.

Perhaps. If only you'd been on TV. He's delivered differently. If only you were famous. So you're none for three, was it? You're none for three down there. So you've sworn it off. Now, the thing is, every time I talk to you,

you'd be sort of like our spleen going, almost like hoping it had exploded or something. I'll be back. You'll be back. One for four, you'll be one out of four. Or I could go none and four. Yeah. I wouldn't put that past me.

Well, I've been really working hard on the room in the meantime. During the lockdown, I've been really making sure. I saw that room in the lockdown when it was like only 20 people could go in that room. Yeah, that wasn't good. Yeah. That was. Yeah. You loving it.

You loving it, thinking this thing's going to shut down soon. Like the wine bar next door. So, yeah. So what happens this morning? Going back to like you guys' early days, I don't know how you got your first ever gig. If you rocked up and you had to sign up or get a friend to sign you up. Yeah, something like that.

How did you do it, Jude? So I was upstairs at Le Joc. Yes, great room. A great room. Oh, boy. Although those midnight shows. Crikey. I used to do a late show that started at midnight.

Jeez. Oh, yeah. The dregs of Gertrude and Smith used to wander through there. Coupled with the really drunk people from The Last Laugh who would be encouraged to go. I mean, I remember a beautiful evening where I was emceeing and I had to say, gentlemen, I'm so sorry, but if you could use the downstairs male toilets because five people have projectile vomited in the upstairs. Wow. So, yeah, no, it was a kind of a waking nightmare. But no, you actually, you went into Le Joc and you just put your name down

or rang them up and they said, well, you're on Tuesday, whatever the date was, and then you just rocked up. Great. Well, with coming to explain what we did pre-pandemic was you would just come down and there'd be one night where I'd say to everyone, right, this is the night, come down and sign up and we'll book you in for the next, you know, weeks or months ahead.

Now, I stopped doing that because being confronted with 80 open micers, and I'm sure open micers were the same back then as they were now. Desperate. You don't want to deal with those depths of humanity times 80. It was always beautiful to watch you on those nights, sitting down like the godfather, accepting, you know, favours on the day of his daughters.

Just big book open, just line out the door. Seriously, 80 people? Honestly, 80 people. That's not exaggerating. The line was so long that, you know, and it's at the top of Bourke Street, which is a bit of a sketchy area at the best of times. Yeah, it's improving.

You could just see people, you know, homeless people and people out of their minds just going, well, I'm already screaming at a tree. Why don't I just line up, add this line and go and do this professionally? Did they eventually get up, these people? Yeah, most of them. Well, when it got to 80, it was like, this is now getting impossible to put everyone on. I'm not going to put the people on that don't have shoes or shirts on anymore.

I'm going to be picky here. Or fleets out. Yeah. So now post-pandemic, what the new rule is, instead of doing that, is what you do is you hit me up and you use a reference or a referee, something like that, so that I know that you're not completely crazy or you've done it before. I recommended someone to you. Now, that's what I was about to say.

Now, I didn't hear this from you. Now I got a message from someone that I didn't know saying, Hey, hi Carl. Uh, I just want to get on it. You get comedy explained. Now I'm using a referee,

uh, that I've been, uh, allowed to use. Marty Sheargold said, uh, he's going to be my referee. And he said to tell you,

uh, well, he said for me to do to you, hound Carl and ask him to get on a comedy explain as many times as you've asked him to go on your little podcast. Now, that was the message. So I was like, no problem. Well, you knew it was legitimate.

So well done. It was not a lie. Yeah. So if we're going to treat it that way, I'm like, great, no worries. So what's going to happen with that young lady is I'm going to book her, I'm going to ignore her for the next two years and put her on in two or three years' time when I run out of excuses. So you're a really great referee there, Marty.

That's her treatment. I probably haven't helped her. No. Who is she? She's a young girl who I saw when I was knocking this show back into shape at one of your competitors' rooms. Oh, well, let's not name them then. And I saw her there and I thought she was funny.

Right. And I've since seen her at a couple of things. Wow. Come down and see her at Goni Explained in 2025. 25. Yeah, it should be good. Probably next time you hop up as well, probably. Get them on the same night together.

Yeah. What a great idea. Yeah. Double act. What a great idea. Because you're both doing stand-up at the moment. Judith, you're about to hit Adelaide. Are you just going to Adelaide now, Jude?

Because it's already up and running, isn't it? Oh, yeah. No, heading off on Tuesday. Tuesday. Can't wait. And where are you doing? The one thing I love, it's a tent and an outdoor toilet. The home of comedy.

At 53, I just embrace that shit. I don't go, I've been doing this for 34 years and I can't even get a fucking toilet inside. I can't wait, Marty. You'll crush it. Yeah, but Jude, you get to do the show and then unwind by going on the Dodgham Cars. What could be better? Lots of things, Tommy. Almost anything.

Especially when you're hearing the Dodgham cars during your set as well. You just get to get excited for going on them at the end of the gig. There is a lovely artist bar tucked away up the back there that I've always had good chats in. Oh, look. It's a good festival. It's a fun festival. I'll be honest and say I'm just girding my loins because at the moment the good people of Adelaide aren't buying tickets. So we're very much hoping for that to turn around.

Then I will have a marvellous time and I will shit outside if I have to if they give me their cash. It's that simple. When you say at the moment the people of Adelaide aren't buying many tickets, you mean since the birth of Christ. That's generally how they've acted in the last 2,000 years. No, I think you'll find not for all of us, Carl. Right, sorry. Not to rub your face in it. Some of us do quite well in Adelaide.

You'd be a real shock and a surprise if we didn't this time around. Now that you say that, I have thought of that about the cities of Melbourne, Sydney, Brisbane, Hobart as well. So, yeah, it might be you. No, it'll be fun, Jude. When was the last time you did Adelaide? 2020, which is why I'm still trying to finish this because it was that last weekend of that festival where people were like, oh, they're talking about stopping the festival because

this Corona thing. I was like, Corona thing, my ass. Grab us a beer, mate. We were out of control and we just carried on. And then sure enough, they got through that festival, but then immediately after that weekend, the world just became as we know it. Yes. So these are still carryover gigs from then.

Right. But prior to that, Jude, I hadn't done that festival since 1995. Good God. I know. How has been getting back on the stand-up pony been for you? It's been good. It's not the comic that I want to be and it's not the version of comedy that I want to do.

It never is. No, but I... I mean, I think that. Yeah. You know, it's kind of like my idea of what a show will be is never what it is. No, it's strange. And I sort of did it as a stopgap because I wanted to do it

but I didn't really want to do all the work. So I folded a bit of old gear in and rid a bit of new gear. Not that bit. I rid a different bit. And then I sort of arrived at this very old version of myself that's very rough and blue and it's like, oh, gosh. Now, when did you stop doing stand-up originally? Probably about 2000-ish.

2000-ish. So then you... No, it was later than that. I did about 10 years. So about 2003, 2004. Right. And then no stand-up at all until 2020. Is that about right?

Until about 2019. And so what was that first gig back like? It was good. I liked it. It was... It was about 15 years in the middle, right? So that was, that was because when I started, you weren't doing comedy and then it was. You're still talking about me though.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like I knew of you. We were all sharing your old material. I was doing the fondue bit. That's why I was doing Expo 88. Yeah.

That's a good gig. Yeah. But then when you come back, it was all of a sudden like, oh, yeah, why didn't Marty do stand-up all this time? Because I had a job. Well, you had a job. But also, is this true that I heard someone say that one day you opened a newspaper and Will Anderson stated exactly how much money you made from stand-up and you went, fuck, I love stand-up. I just remember. No, but I was thinking there's a lot of money being left on the table here.

It didn't make any sense. I first met you in that period where you weren't doing stand-up on the set of ABC's The Librarians. Oh, yes. Do you remember this? You were playing a lawyer called Paolo. Overacting my way through that. I do remember that.

Yeah, you had an ill-fitting suit and a headset on. For Robin Butler and Wayne Hope. Yep. I was very excited because I knew of you and you were very funny and you were fun to be around. Good to me. All this is good. I'm starting to get a little bored because I feel like we've talked

about Marty and Sweeney. We've talked about Marty and the person he's recommended. Now we're going on about Marty and the librarians. We'll do this and then we'll do you, honestly. I've got to go. I've got to be with you. If you want to got to go. I've got to be with you. If you want to ask me anything, I am here, gentlemen. Two minutes.

Two minutes until your bit, I swear. Okay, okay. You know, Sam Pang will wait for another lady. I would like to ask you something. Well, Marty, that would be lovely. Maybe we should catch up sometime. I'd like to know what you and Denise are doing, and I mean it. What's this show?

They've started their own lunch over here on this side of the table, I think. I'm coming straight back to you. Thank you, Marty Sheargold. What are you doing with Denise this time around? It's a little show called Still Here, Marty, because we are. You are. You both are. And, you know, what we love is that everyone, our management,

all the media we've done recently, everyone has said try not to talk too much about lockdown, try not to do too much stuff about the pandemic and COVID. So our entire show is about being locked down during the pandemic. Great. Because that's our shared experience. Well, that's exactly right, Marty. So the premise is that Scotty and I are locked down together. It's got a narrative rolling through it.

I don't want to use the word play. But there you go, mate. Which really means we've just cobbled together every shit-ass gag about COVID you can possibly imagine. And we've just put them one after the other, sort of split them into bits and gone. It's a play. Vignettes, perhaps.

Oh, wow. We're nutty for a vignette. I actually like to say it's like, well, it's like Beckett meets Flying High. It's kind of waiting for COVID. But I think what will really get people in is the fact that both of my shoulders went in 2020 when I was writing a book. Turns out I'm fine. No need to ask or applaud.

And Scotty, of course, hasn't really been able to move from the waist down for a good 15 years. So between the two of us, we're barely one physically functional human. And yet that has not stopped us from having three dance numbers. Oh, how wonderful. One of them is a liturgical dance number, which for the heathens out there is, of course, dancing to hymns. And wonderful.

Usually, Jude, and I don't know if you've had time to incorporate this, that sort of full silk kind of. Oh, yeah. You've got those? Oh, we've got those. We've got a lot of costumes. And, you know, I mean, I think everyone will hopefully relate to the show. But, oh, man, is it a show for Melburnians? We've got it all in there.

We've got the riots. We've got the earthquake. We've got everything. Dan there. We've got the riots. We've got the earthquake. We've got everything. Dan Andrews effigy? Not so much Dan Andrews, but we've got the presser. We've got, yeah, it's all in there. It is such a show for Melburnians.

What a sales pitch to Adelaide. Well, you know, Adelaide, take it or leave it, which is what they've always done. No, but I think, like, you can't have lived in the world for the last couple of years and not relate to it. But particularly, I think, Mel Burnie. Very tough here. I do like the little detail of you saying both of your shoulders were put out during the writing of a book.

I'm just picturing you just writing so hard with one hand and then busting and going, the show must go on, and then writing the rest of the book left-handed and then that one busting out. It was a little like that. And then you going just Christy Brown and writing with your mouth, I guess, the rest of the book. Yeah, it was a bit like that.

The fact that I had a barbecue on each shoulder wasn't thought through. That probably didn't help. But no, that was a nightmare, actually. Yoga-related, June? No, it was really just inflammation and typing and I had an operation on the left one, which was a complete waste of time. But one good thing did come out of it because I started seeing this fantastic osteo. None of this is made up.

He's great at his job. He's funny. He swears like a trooper. And, you know, obviously single, living alone, being touched by a man once a week during lockdown was pretty fucking spectacular. But at the start of every session, he checks out my alignment. This is completely serious. And one week I'm standing in front of him with my knee raised and he's standing behind me and he just went fucking delicious.

And I said, it's been a while since a man has said something like that to me. This guy is great. Without skipping a beat, he went, yeah, and I was checking out your ass when I said it. Because technically, gentlemen, he was checking out my ass. Yes, I blew him, Marty. I mean, of course. He complimented you. It was a difficult time for all of us.

For those of us living alone, it was particularly hard. I mean, that was a, but that was a nightmare. I mean, single, living alone. Remember when the long lockdown, 2020, and you could see an intimate partner, but not a friend. Very good friend. Andrea Powell rings me up. She's in exactly the same situation as me and said, Judith, I just want to come over for a cup of tea. And I said, well, that's all very well and good, but to keep this legal, you're going to have to sit on my face.

So she did. And that's not the direction we thought our friendship was moving in, but these were difficult and crazy times, Marty. Did you break the rules through that period, Jude, and have somebody over? Andrea and I may have seen each other a couple of times before we were legally allowed to. Because some of the rules were just absolutely ludicrous.

Yes, yes. The only other time I broke a rule, and we only did that a couple of times and were very careful, but the only other time I broke a rule was, look, a lot of people will know that for ladies, facial and bodily hair was, body hair was an issue. It had to be dealt with. It did or not, as the case may be. I actually from the neck down let everything go.

It was a jungle. I was storing carbon. But my beautiful beauty therapist rang me up and said, do you want to come over to my place for a treatment? So I did. I went over there, lovely flat down a very narrow alleyway, working from a back room. You know what I'm saying?

She doesn't normally work from home, dark, dusty, blinds drawn, felt terrible. I thought, you know, am I here for a wax or an abortion? Although, to be fair, 53 abortions, they were the good old days. Anyway, but it was a difficult time for Melbourne, for all of us. So true, Jude. How did you go in lockdown, Marty Sheargold? Well, I worked from home.

So you would have loved it. I loved it. Yeah. Because I live a fair way out of town, so it's a long commute. And then when you said to me, you don't have to commute, I was like, I'm your guy. My running joke with the family was at two minutes past six, because I was doing the other end of the day, I'd walk into the lounge room and go, Daddy's home!

But I drank like a fish. Yeah. And I mean drank. Yeah. Do fish drink? I don't know. I assume they do. There's a lot of water around them.

They push it through their gills if they don't swallow. Right. Yeah, right. I do like the idea that you, well, the fact that you've both said to each other, how did you go during lockdown without ever asking me and Tommy about how we went during lockdown? Because you just looked at each other and gone, oh, you would have had to adjust your schedule and looked at us and gone, yeah, you two cunts just sit in your house anyway and do fuck all.

Actually, I can't speak for Marty, but it was just lack of interest on my part. I don't have any interest in myself either, to be honest. I couldn't care less about myself. Are you living on your own, Tommy? I'm living with my beautiful partner. Were you during lockdown, though? Were you on your own? First one, I was living alone, but with her,

and then second, big lockdown, we'd just moved in together. So a little change of scenery, which was nice. And Carl, what about you? How did you go during lockdown? I lived with my wife and my very small child, so I was absolutely tickety-boo with my wife working full-time from home and me just being on full-time parental duties.

Very nice stuff. That's hard work. It's not ideal, but it's a good way. Look, there'll be no stage where I wake up 10 years from now and go, gee, I wish I'd spent more time with my child between the ages of zero and three. Yeah, you feel like you've ticked and three. There will not be a time where I think that. I know everything. That could be my mastermind subject at the moment.

My child between the age of zero and three. I've got it all. You're across it. There's a lot of time at home, wasn't there? And then the 5k radius and then the curfew. I was like, this is ludicrous. I loved it. I absolutely loved the curfew and everything and everyone being shut in

because looking after the kid all day, it was just my time to shine by myself from the time of like 8 till midnight, even if I had to sneak out a little bit longer. Just me on the streets, me like Vanilla Sky, Tom Cruise style, just walking around Bridge Road, Richmond. Yeah, absolutely. Just running and shitting my pants that we've covered on this show a lot of times. Big shit, I didn't know that. I'm the original poo jogger. Just running and shitting my pants that we've covered on this show a lot of times. I'm the original poo jogger.

When you see the stories going around Melbourne about poo jogging, that was me most of lockdown. It was me, unfortunately. Do I really want to ask this question? Was there a poo jogging incident? Of mine? Yeah. Several. Yes.

Several? We've talked about this on the show before. Too far from home? Yes. it was me not knowing. Judith's like, my experience all of a sudden doesn't sound too bad. Not at all. She never left your house for a shit-job. I really didn't, but I'm

just thinking generally my life and my rectum are in better shape than yours. That's what I'm thinking. Mine was more like Adelaide Fringe, your Adelaide Fringe experience coming up. Not a lot of people around and an outdoor toilet. Like the outdoor is my toilet. Oh, okay.

Given the carnival lifestyle. I was not realising. I was running. I was running every night. I was going for like a 5K run and timing it weirdly just after. After you'd had a Vindaloo? No. Well, I'd been eating this very high fibre bread that I'd been, weirdly enough,

mistaking the sticker of as just being like a sticker saying, this is good for you, instead of going, you are going to shit your pants if you eat seven sandwiches, which is what I was doing. Undone by the sticker. Yes. It's always the sticker. Yeah, I'm like, I get it. You want me to buy it, I get it.

I'll buy it. Carl, riddle me this. Once I understand, the fact that it was several times, riddle me this. Once I understand the fact that it was several times, talk me through that. Well, I didn't get to the bottom of it first go. You know, serial killers, they'll kill one person. They don't get caught immediately. You've got to do some intel. Yes, but that's because they

desire for it to happen again, Carl. There's not a lot of accidental serial killers on there. No. Returning to the scene of the crime kind of thing. It does seem as though you were slowly falling in love with the outdoor poop. The fear of not being caught. So yeah, no,

I just, it was just, it was just one of those things where I didn't quite, I just thought, well, maybe it's the whole lockdown experience is doing it to me. Maybe it's, you know,

it's a mental thing. Stress, anxiety can affect your stomach. Like your gut and your mind are very linked. Because also when he says he was eating a lot of this bread, Judith and Marty, you might assume, as most people would, that he means in the form of a sandwich or something like this. No, this was just, am I correct in this, opening the packet and just ripping it slice by slice. Going through the whole.

There was margarine involved. Okay, yeah. But just the bread by itself as a snack. A big stand of bread. Multiple slices. Yeah. And then a run, what, an hour later? No, I think it was a good five hours later.

But whatever it was, it was the perfect time for that bread to rip through me. Whatever that time was, if I go back and work that out, I think it was like five hours. How many times are we talking? There was... If you had to ballpark it. There was a minimum... I think there was a couple of times where there was shrubbery involved and then there was a pants-related issue.

Ah. Yeah. But the thing is, this is happening at the same time every night. I mean, a lot of men of your age would kill to have that kind of regularity. So it's good in that sense. Yes. No, totally. I take my hat off to you, Carl, because if that had happened to me once,

I would never have left my home ever again and the fact that you just continue to give it a crack We'll see how it goes tonight It's like that thing you know when doctors when you can't figure out what this rash is from and they go okay well maybe try eliminating all these

things from your diet. Well that was me until I finally got to the 17 sandwiches of high fibre bread I was eating a day and then go, well, why don't I just get rid of that? Voila, eureka. We've done it. We've done it. We're a team and we've achieved it.

This happening late at night and then you waking up first thing the next morning and going like, all right, time to teach this one year old about the ways of the world. Time to inform the mind of this human. Well, Tommy, I'm actually considering the fact that he would have been possibly trying to teach some toilet training. Yes. Physician, heal thyself is what I'm thinking. Your kids' first words, what the fuck would you know, old man? That's unfortunate, that whole thing.

Look, it was a good time. If I was ever going to do it, it was a good time during lockdown because no one else had to see it. No one else had to find it. And a good location. Yeah. Abandoned streets. This is not an Eastland scenario. No, no. This is not a Christmas, you know, the week leading up to Christmas. You don't want to be caught short in the Bourke Street Mall, anything like that. It's Bridge Road, Richmond in the middle of a pandemic. If you're ever going to have to shit your pants over and over, that's a good place. Well, I was for a period of the pandemic on the roads very early in the morning. And it was honestly like something from a sort of, you know, 28 days later.

There was not a human being on the street. It was quite unnerving. It was a total, you couldn't explain it to people if they hadn't lived through it. Yeah. Just one solitary man bending over a bush in Bridge Road. That's the only person you saw. That's the only person I saw. Saw it heaps too.

How many more times could I thought of like a machine in a bush? Smelt it before you saw it. Yeah. I'd see him in the morning coming out of Baker's Delight and then evening, same space. Strange time. Strange time. Strange time. Oh, tell me. Yeah.

I wasn't doing this behavior pre-pandemic. No. I was using the indoor toilet. Yeah. You got a bit ahead of yourself there when you were inside. To go back to your osteo, my partner has been seeing an osteo recently and not home visit, going out because we can do that now. I took her to the doctor yesterday, drove and just kind of like,

you know, hung out in the car. She was like, I won't be long. And she came out and she was saying that the osteo had just been making conversation and my girlfriend had mentioned something about me and the osteo was like, oh, what does your partner do? She's like, oh, like kind of comedy sort of stuff. And he's like, oh, what sort of what sort? And she's like, oh, what does your partner do? She's like, oh, like kind of comedy sort of stuff. And he's like, oh, what's sort of what sort? And she's like, oh, he does this podcast.

And he's like, oh, he lives off that, does he? And she's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, yeah, I listen to a lot of podcasts. Like I was training for a marathon recently and just listened to hours and hours and hours podcasts every day. And so she's thinking like this will be funny if it's like it turns out that he listens to the little dum-dum club. And so she's like, oh, what podcast do you listen to?

Like what's your favourite? And he goes, Joe Rogan. Great. This is a doctor. This is a medical professional telling you, yeah, I'm really into the anti-vax guy. Like is that a thing you should be admitting to your patients? You know what I mean?

No. But look, you know, a friend of mine actually saw a physio for a while, a male physio, and she stopped seeing him when he turned to her one day and said, that's a nice bra. And you don't want that. That's fruity. Yeah, that's just crossing a line. So, yeah, I think possibly.

Keep it to yourself. Keep it to yourself. Surely there's other podcasts. Is your partner going back? This is the question. He does wonderful work to her shoulders. So I think she's trapped. But maybe, you know, if you're a medic.

I mean, it's like us, Carl. We like watching bad open mic comedy. We like watching people bomb and do the thing that we do very badly. Hang on a minute. Seriously? So maybe if you're a medical professional, maybe that's the. That makes me want to take my own life. When I see people dying on stage, I honestly, I just find it excruciating.

Because I always think there but for the grace of God. Yeah. But you guys like it. Yeah, there's something to be said for it. I don't want to sit there and watch two hours of it, but there's a bit of a giggle in it. Wow. A hard death. A hard death, a hard death.

Yeah. Watching a raw comedy hit, and you have to sit through a lot of stuff that's just bad in a way that it's just kind of average. Not enjoyable. But then someone, yeah, someone really going over the top. Someone that you can really dig the ribs of the person next to you and go, can you believe we're here watching this? Yeah.

Don't you get a little bit of that? Carl, I thought the jogging shitting story made me think differently of you, but now, now I'm really concerned. Honestly, like I wish someone else had done the jogging shitting thing so I could have watched that and gone, check this fucking idiot out. Yeah. Unfortunately. On stage jogging on the spot.

Yeah. All right. Now, you know, we've heard how many tryouts you've come upon. Do the two of you have a favourite? A favourite death? Oh, gee. Someone that's really stood out from the pack. Took your breath away.

Yeah. Because just quickly, I think, like when you say, Judith, you think there but for the grace of God go I. You're very right. But I think then when you're bombing, it's like nice in your own head to go, well, you know, someone, some sicko out there is enjoying this at the very least. You know what I mean? The way I would be.

You're on your own. No. No. There was a woman who went out and did jokes and then if the joke wouldn't work and then she, no one would laugh at the joke, and then she pulled out a hammer and hit herself in the head. Oh, no. An actual hammer?

An actual hammer. That's a mental illness, sure. Yeah, that's not good. And then people would like go, oh, okay, what just happened then? And then would do another joke and then hit herself in the head again with the hammer. And then, of course, people are still reeling from the first hammer incident. So the gig's never getting better.

So I think at Hammer 3, someone walked out with the old shepherd's crook and went, no, you actually have to come off stage now. Before you kill yourself. That's the sort of thing that we're into. I mean, hitting herself hard with an actual hammer? Or just, how was it like? It was, I think it was a little bit heavier than that, maybe. It was hard to tell.

She was almost forcing the crowd to laugh. Yeah. Or call an ambulance. Yeah. Yes, there was a bit of that. So anything super demented like that, I think we're into. Anything that's like what? That does seem next level.

Yes. That seems out of the ordinary. Yes. Yeah. Yes. As opposed to just a young kid dying. Yeah. Yeah.

Anything that's. Explain. Yeah. The home of bombing. You must love it when I walk in. No, no. You can't explain. The home of bombing. You must love it when I walk in. No, no. No, get a bit of Bunnings involved and maybe I'll get into it.

But you need some tools. Hitting yourself in the head with a hammer and then Marty Sheargolding it and going, I won't take up too much more of your time. You've just got blood pooling down your head. Smoking yourself in the ham and then going, why don't you fuck off, you old cunt? You know, if anyone listening to this is being put off by the idea of ever doing stand-up in their entire life, I say go with that feeling.

Oh, absolutely. I've seen the sign-up line at Spleen. It's already too long. There's already too many people doing this. How many of them kick on, do you reckon? There's already your friend who's now waiting four years to get on. She'll stick around. How many of them kick on?

Oh, the ratio. God. Wouldn't be many, would it? No, but like anything like that, like professional golfers or professional basketballers or whatever, you know, the cream rises to the top. Like how many of them started out at the same time as you guys that are still around, you know, at your level? I've got to say not that many. Yeah.

The elite is how I prefer to refer to us too. Well, but then I think are they just a lot smarter? Yeah. Do they just go, oh, this is making me miserable. I'll do something else. Yeah. Yeah, no, totally. Who's that to?

That's the thing. That's the thing I always respect with stand-up where if anyone actually just stops doing it and then just doesn't say anything about it and just stops and goes, you know what, I'm smart enough to not have to do this thing. I'm never going to be at a huge level. I'm just going to wander away and that's it. Because the alternative to that is the demented, you know, deluded people that go, I'm retiring everyone.

I'm retiring. And they think everyone's people that go, I'm retiring, everyone. I'm retiring. And they think everyone's supposed to go, no, don't. And we're all going, good, fuck off. You're no good, and I'll have your gig, thanks. Wow, it's a beautiful community. We're just there for each other. We just wish everyone the best. Have we ever talked about there's a guy that we know that basically did that,

that hadn't gigged for ages, and he came and did your gig, Carl, and he was saying to you, he was like, yeah, I quit, basically. I hadn't done it for ages. And you were like, oh, what's brought you back? And he's like, no one really cared that I'd quit, so I may as well just keep going. And that's beautiful. He was thinking he was going to be missed.

Yeah. Didn't get enough likes on his retirement post on Facebook, so he just decided to George Costanza and just turn back up on a Monday morning. And how did it go? I'm guessing if no one cared that he stopped, no one would have cared that he'd started again either. Yes. Yeah, that's it. Yes.

There was one man, me, who'd read the post and liked it and went, what was that like for if you're going to turn back up here and do a gig? I'm going to unlike that post. All right. We'd better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Marty and Judith, thank you so much for joining us. Judith, you have the tour with Denise Scott coming up. I do.

Adelaide, Melbourne, any other cities coming up soon? Everywhere. Everywhere. Brisbane, Sydney, Perth. Oh, no. We'll get in there eventually. Yeah. Everywhere.

Regionals. Yeah. Still here. Look at the website. You can go to comedy.com.au to find it all. Thank you. And you've got the book out that you blew out both shoulders in the making of.

Yeah, you know, who cares? I mean, seriously, it feels like I wrote that 20 years ago. But sure, turns out I'm fine. Yeah. Buy the book, whatever. There we go. And, Marty, you've got the Marty Sheargold Show every morning on Triple M.

And you're still finishing the tour as well. Yes, and I'm still finishing the tour. You're going to Perth. You're going to Canberra. You're going to Sydney. No, I've done Sydney. Brisbane's next. Get up there, and, of course, I'll be part of the Mud Army while I'm there helping out the locals.

As if. Good luck, Brisbane. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time. See you, please. All right, guys. Thanks very much for listening and we'll see you next time. See you, mates. And they've done it again. Back to the normal audio rather than that creamy, creamy radio audio that we've just listened to, I assume.

Back in the old stomping ground of South Melbourne. Back in the good old days where we got paid nothing and we snuck into a studio to record stuff. Yep. So, not that good. That little strip's really... Let's just call them the old days.

The old days, yeah. That little strip's really taken off since we used to go in there. It's gotten better. Yeah. There was a lot more, a lot better food to choose between on the way home.

That's very true. Yep, yep. But I'll tell you what, that parking situation around there, a fucking nightmare. Paying an arm and a leg for a couple of hours parking. Really? Yep. No, never did it. It's basically a tram.

It's a pretty good tram situation for me to get there from my house, so it's fine. Pretty good tram situation for me to get there from my house. So it's fine. But yeah, good to finally nab some of those big fish that we've been... Like I said, bloody Marty. I know he's busy and that's why. And also he can't be fucked. But great to get him after a long, long time of trying. So thank you.

And to thank him, I've booked that person that hit me up. Really? Yes. Okay. I thought, you know what? Be the better man. Yeah. Don't take two years.

Yeah. To answer. We're going to have to hear the update on how this person went. Oh. At the gig. Well, yeah. Marty's going to have to come down and watch. Yeah.

And be like, right, you vouch for this person? Mm-hmm. If they bomb, I get your radio job. I believe that's how it works. Wow. That's huge. So just driving the kids to school all of a sudden one morning. Yeah.

Welcome to the Marty Sheargold Show. Yep. With Carl Chandler. That's right. New permanent host. And you're just talking as if you've always been there and always will be there. Yeah. And you don't change the name of the show.

The name of the show never changes. Do I have to act like Marty? No. Or do I just be me? No, I think it's more confusing for people if you make the transition as jarring as possible. Right. So it's just you being you. Yep.

For an hour solo. And then all of a sudden you're chasing me for two years to be on this show. To be a guest on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't replace you. Just to be two years to be on this show. To be a guest on this. Yeah, yeah. I don't replace you. Just to be the co-host on this. Yeah. No, yeah.

I don't replace you on this. This just turns into like Bill Burr, how he just sits and talks to himself for an hour You just plan on me being here every week and then every week I'm just a bit busy doing it. Let down again. But I also am scheduling it between 6 and 9 a.m. on weekdays. So it's kind of my own fault. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. Well, that's good. But good to – you know what it reminded me of being back in South Melbourne? Our frequent little walks that we would do from South Melbourne after doing the pod into the city to get the tram. Stop and pass the South Bank food court for a little bit of souses. Yes. Which I think has closed down for good. Oh, has it?

Yeah. Because I absolutely did think that as well. But then I got tempted by some cheap tie on the way. So I didn't venture in and try the heavily spiced salsas chips. Mexi crinkles. Yes. You would have been left severely disappointed. Because I talked about this recently, I think,

when I was staying at the Langham in South Bank for Valentine's Day, I think we'd been doing something for this just before. So I got in there. I hadn't eaten yet and I was starving. And I was like, what should I eat? And then I was like, you know what's right next door? The South Bank food court. Oh, I don't think we talked about this at all.

Well, no, about me. I mentioned being at the Langham. Oh, right, right, right. But yeah, so I got in there. It was like three o'clock by the time I got in there. I hadn't eaten yet, so I'm starving. And then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, I'm going to be able to get a little salsas. How good is this?

And go in and they're just... That whole food court, the only thing that survived the lockdowns and everything, grilled. Everywhere else just abandoned. Yeah. So just all those like, you know, the kind of uniform sort of layout of a food court takeaway place. They're just all completely empty. It's weird. It must be depressing for the staff of Grill

to just work in essentially a little ghost food court. Yeah. Oh, well, also for workers around there to go in and go, okay, I guess I'm getting the $19 not that good burger again today. Yeah, yeah, that's very true. But I went, yeah, I had Grill. Who am I going to donate my bottle caps to today? They don't even fuck around with the bottle caps in South Bank. They're like, nah, we're that's very true. But I went, yeah, I had grilled. Who am I going to donate my bottle caps to today?

They don't even fuck around with the bottle caps in South Bank. Oh, do they? They're like, no, we're doing it hard enough. We're in the South Bank food court. The bottle caps are just for them. Yeah, exactly. Do you want to donate to grilled? Yeah.

This, South Bank or the one in Richmond? We're raising money for us to be able to buy a brick and mortar store that's not in a fucking food court. This is how we get paid. This is how the staff get paid now in bottle caps so please that's our tips yeah chuck in a few bottle caps for us dig deep yeah you could yeah you could rig that right you just go in there and just deposit your own bottle caps yeah hey you speaking of um of begging um we should talk about our live shows yes uh very briefly of course of course, we talked about Nazeem Hussain up the top of the show, but very quickly, it's all happening for us in Melbourne.

Melbourne, the hometown, where the majority of listeners live of this show, I would say. Yep. We are, of course, doing a 500, 600 episode on the 2nd of April, 2 p.m. at the Athenaeum Theatre, the highlight of our broadcasting career. Like every week I feel like we've been saying for a year and a half there's a couple of tickets left. People keep getting refunds and then people keep buying those tickets. It's been true, yeah.

I'm looking at the stats right now. As of now, there's seven tickets left for the entire theatre. All right. You probably just reminded a couple of people of like, you of now, there's seven tickets left for the entire theatre. All right. You probably just reminded a couple of people of like, you know what, I do need to get a refund, so we'll be back up to 10 by the end of the week. Great. So I think they do release a couple of tickets on the day and all that sort of stuff as well.

So yeah, get onto that. But what there is a lot more tickets of is the shows that are not pre-seating, but are seeding that. I'm making up that word. Oh, just quickly before I forget. Do you know which seats the holds are? I think they're good seats.

Okay. Yeah. Because my parents bought tickets and then at various points they haven't been able to come to a date we've had. And they were asking me to try and sell them on the podcast for them. Right. And then now they can come but they're scared of being like in crowds still because of their age so they want new seats that are like in an aisle so if you're listening and you have aisle seats that you'd be prepared to swap with for my parents like good middle row seats okay

hit us up right okay yep great put that on uh uh dum-dum marketplace yeah yeah yeah yeah um you'll have to go meet them in a car park to do the transaction right um i believe those holds are like i don't know i got told by someone that that holds are all of course because they're the theater holds they don't hold the worst shit yeah right yeah right okay they held the good ones but I think that the owners of the theatre are all pretty old so they're not

they'll come along if Dame Edna was doing a show right right right because it's us yeah my parents want to watch the show to support but they also

they don't want to be in big crowds at the moment maybe just put a seat for them on stage just get them backstage or something I don't know yeah okay

they won't be able to hear though yeah look if you actually want to watch the show that's not very because I've said to a few mates come backstage and it's like Just get them backstage or something. I don't know. Yeah, okay. They won't be able to hear, though. Yeah. Look, if you actually want to watch the show, that's not very... Because I've said to a few mates, come backstage. And it's like, oh, so I don't get to see the show. And I'm like, no. But there'll be beers. Yeah.

Okay. That's what I'd do. I'd leap at that. Yeah. Clean out the writer. Yeah. You can hear... They often pipe the show in through the speakers backstage.

You know what? That's pretty good. We've got to work this out. I believe... Because I don't think they give us a writer you know sometimes you know there's deals we've we've done venues before where you know you pay all this money and we're certainly paying a fucking lot of money for this one so uh and then you get a writer yep i think we're getting jack shit at this point yeah so we have to out. We'll have to bring our own grog in. Oh, that's cool.

But here will be the next deal. Do we get to just cart our own grog into a licensed venue? Or is it like, no, you have to buy grog from up the front. This will be interesting. Yeah, I don't think it'll be interesting at all. I think I know which one. I love the idea of us just being able to toddle on down to the Young and Jackson's bottle shop and come back with a slab of VB. I'll rephrase what it really will be then.

Do we have to buy it up the front or do we have to smuggle in stuff in our fucking pants legs? Yeah, I guess we'll be smuggling in stuff. It's funny because, yeah, I wonder in a venue like that, I guess that's something that the promoter takes care of, right? They'll be like, this is our act, this is what they want yes so either i have to go get it or there's an arrangement with the venue or whatever it is but i would say that their offer to us would be a subsidized price on a case that is from their bar inside well i remember a friend of the show was saying a little while back um they were doing a show a run of shows at a comedy festival and they were in a big big venue and there was like beers every day in the green room and they're like great oh we just get this

like every day yeah but they didn't realize it was basically like a hotel room and they were they were there but it's like you're paying for you're paying for each beer you drink and also they were being charged the same rate as punters were. Proper like bar prices. Like theater prices. That's very good stuff. And so this person drank, say, five slabs during the run. Yeah.

How long was the run? Well, yeah, look, it was like a month's run. They just took, right, right, okay. So I'm saying like just theoretically, say it was five. So it was five. Yeah. So that's just took... Right, right. Okay. So I'm saying like just theoretically, say it was five. So it was five. Yep. So that's five times 24, which is 125 beers. Being charged 10, 12 bucks a beer.

Very nice. Very nice. That's a... I wonder if you could get out of that. Like we've talked about this a lot on the pod, but like back in the day, early days of like smartphones going overseas and turning your data on and then coming back and just getting this caning of a bill but being able to get onto the phone because it was still new enough you could just plead ignorance to the phone company

and be like i didn't know this and they just kind of had to wear it and go okay we'll strike that i wonder if you could if you could try and get away with that with that venue like just trying that on it's like at what point did you like why why would this be an assumption that the beers that have been left behind the stage in this performance venue would be being charged? And they don't have little stickers on them that say $12 each or anything like that. Yeah. There's no price sitting there. Yeah. Also, I think they were like in, you know, in the slab.

So imagine like picking like a beer out of a slab getting rid of the six-pack little plastic bit that kills the the penguins or whatever yep and then going oh yeah no worries just that's 12 bucks out of uh yeah yeah yeah those ones yeah like that's crazy so anyway i wonder how how we're gonna and and on top of that because we're now doing the 500th and 600th we're there for quite a while also we've got quite a few guests. We're not doing like, you know, one or two guests, even three guests. There's a lot of guests. Yep. So there's a bit of a presumption we should have some beers there for them.

Yes. I've got to find out. I've got to find out this deal. All of this. Because I can smuggle in a six-pack for myself. Yeah. I don't know if I can smuggle in three slabs, four slabs. I mean, I could drive in early.

I could do a Dan Murphy's run. Drive in early, drop the slabs off. How many beers can we hide in our microphone? We're not even bringing microphones, are we? Yeah.

God, you'd hope not. Yeah. If we're having to pay for our own beers, you'd hope at the very least that they're supplying all the tech. I mean, look,

that bag isn't huge, but it's like, lugging it around is a fucking pain in the ass.'d love to not have to do it all right i'm gonna it's gonna be bring me back to lockdown where i'm just gonna be walking into the athenaeum yeah going clank clank clank with my backpack just chockers with beers going yeah that just that's just the backup mics they're very fragile they're made of glass yeah yeah yeah yeah don't worry about you get the best sound quality with glass yeah yeah yeah well i mean maybe they're very fragile. They're made of glass. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, don't worry about them. You get the best sound quality with glass. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, maybe they're assuming, like, it's two in the afternoon. They're not going to want to drink. They'll have stuff to do at night. Yeah. I've got to figure this out. Anyway. I have to talk to someone in there. But I have to talk to them in a way that I don't go,

are you going to charge me full price for all the beers in there? Yes, we are. Hmm, interesting. Okay, I guess I won't be drinking any and then appearing very drunk three hours in. Yes. And then going, what's going on here? Yeah. He's just high on performance.

On life. Yeah. So then, of course, following that, April the 9th, 16th and 23rd, we have the live podcast happening at the European Beer Cafe. That's right. the home ground and so i look we won't be smuggling any any beers in at that stage we'll um the the barrel so guys don't worry i know we've just been talking about for 10 minutes about how are we going to not pay heaps of money for beer don't worry guys with those those three live shows the bar will look after us yes

don't fret yeah i know you guys have worked up about wondering how much we were going to be paying per stubby, but we're all good from the 9th onwards. Yeah. And then, of course, we have our rescheduled Perth date, which we talked about last week, July the 16th at the Rosemount Hotel. Yep. Stand-up show plus the podcast. Sorry we couldn't make it last weekend,

but as we've mentioned a couple of times, it was all too tough. The border had just reopened. Flights were impossible to come by, and capacities were reduced. That's right. So we've had to move it to the middle of the year. That's right.

And good to see when we announced that and the emails went out, just the regular bunch of people just refunding, just getting the refund going. Fantastic stuff. I know we waited eight months for this, but July, I can't make it. In July, five months away, I'm busy.

I've got stuff on. Who's making plans? Come on. Who's saying that? Who is saying that? Who is saying that? Whoever asks, who is saying that? Who is saying that? Whoever asks, who is saying that? Who is saying that?

Just people watching Hey Hey Saturday every week like 25 years ago. Who is saying that? John Blackman. Okay. Where's that voice coming from? My show, of course, Tommy Dasalo, Das Saying That, is the title of my tour. No, it's called Turtle Island. It's on in Adelaide in about a week's time, March the 16th at 6 p.m.

Then it's on March the 30th until April the 10th in Melbourne. And now it's on July 15th in Perth. The night before, we do our show at the Rosemount. Come and check all those out, TommyDassolo.com. Also, if you want to support the podcast on Patreon, you are free to do so. And in fact, we would very, very much appreciate it. Patreon.com slash LittleDumbDumbClub.

You get two bonus mini episodes per week with great guests. Lots of fun ones of them coming up. We've got a bit of a bank of them at the moment. And you also go into the drawer to get your name read out and immortalised in this section of the show. And we are now firing up the unplanned title alternator and it's going to spit out a, well, basically just a random number of names.

We'll just go until we can't go no more. I do have to go to the dentist. So when it hits... 2.30. Yeah, which literally that's when I have to go to the dentist. So when it hits... 2.30. Yeah. Which literally, that's when I have to go. Fantastic.

Yeah. Literally, I have to go then. That time at the dentist should be more expensive. It's like double the price to go at 2.30. Yeah. I was like thinking, how am I going to work it so it becomes 2.30? And I'm like, no, that's literally when I have to go. That's it. Yep.

Thanks to everyone that does, not donate, patronize us. That's worse. Is part of the club. Yep. Pays money to, A, do the right thing, but also to get that sweet content, two episodes a week and all that back catalog. Yep. And gets in a little Facebook group we've got. Gets first dibs on certain things.

Thank you to everyone existing. Thank you to the new entries that include these people. First cab slash potential ride share sponsor name off the rank this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Matthew Probert. Probert? Yes. Probert. Probert? Yes. Probert. Probert?

Maybe. Certainly not. So it's just Robert with a P at the start. Yes. Probert. Yes. Well, not anti-bert. Not anti-bert.

No, that's for sure. RIP. RIP. No, Probert. It sounds very... I was going to say very much like a robot, but it just, it just sounds a bit like a robot. Just the word sounds a bit like a robot.

Um, very, um, very, oh God, stiff sounding name. It's real like a character in like a cyberpunk novel or something like that. Right. Yeah. Matthew Probert. That's it. That's what I was looking for. Cyberpunk.

You're right. He's like the CEO of the tech company that sort of ended up destroying the world with his inventions. Yes. But then he's got, you know, that pussy name of Matthew at the start. Matthew is a real pussy's name, isn't it? Isn't it? Don't you reckon?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the name of a pussy. It's a real pussy. But pretty tough, weird, you know, name at the back to distract everyone. What would be a first name that could match the toughness of Probert? Robert. Robert Probert. That would be good.

Yeah, that would be nice. That would be really good. Now, that's more like Jetsons than Cyberplot. What's better, Robert Probert or Robert Probert? Bobby Probert. Bobby Probert. I think Robert Probert? Bobby Probert. Bobby Probert. I think Robert Probert is good. Like just deliberately

just mispronouncing one of the most common names that exist. Bob Prob. Yeah. Bobby Proby. Yeah. Yeah, God. What a weird fucking name.

It's hard to riff on, that's for sure. We're doing our best. Yeah, we're doing all right. We're doing okay. I'm, we're doing all right. I'm looking up the word, not the word Probert, but just the name Probert, whatever it is. Surely it's the name of something. Wasn't that, what was the name of Dave Grohl's side project thing that he had? Oh, yeah.

It was Pro-something, wasn't it? You're right. Wasn't that like Probot or something like that? I think think that's exactly what it was was it really yeah so that's that could be this guy it was like a yeah that's it pro bot you're right pro bot yeah um i'm looking this up now there's a movie i'm just i've just got to figure out whether it's a it's a comedy not oh is it a comedy i don't think it is. What's the movie? No, it's not.

The Nutty Professor. No. How's this? Us saying Robert Probert, that's actually the name of a legendary hockey, National Hockey League tough guy. The actual name of him. So that's what's turned him into a tough guy. Just having that name. Having that name.

Yep. Copping it sweet yeah listening to us what we've just done in the last six seven minutes all of his life everywhere he goes listening to us the the equivalent of us but by less skilled technicians than us so we've riffed on a guy's name and in doing so we've invented the name of a guy who already exists yes and a lot of you know we've got the name of a guy who already exists. Yes. And a lot of, you know, we've got a lot of crossover NHL fans here that are just screaming at the computer going, that's already a guy. Of course, yeah. He used to punch guns out.

Yeah. He used to punch hockey pucks. Yeah. The amount of, I feel like every week now there's like eight caveats that we have to give out. Yes, yes, I know you're listening and you know this fact that we don't know. So much of this Talking Dum Dum has become self-preservation for what we're going to have to endure on social media for the week after the episode goes up.

Yeah. So, yeah, we'd never heard of this surname before, but now apparently it's a legendary surname. It's a real guy. Okay, maybe he's related. Maybe this guy, maybe this, because it's, you know, this guy's, it looks like this guy was big in the 70s or 80s or something like that.

Maybe Robbie Proby, Robert Probert, maybe he sucked off Wayne Gretzky, and their kid is Matthew Probert, maybe he sucked off Wayne Gretzky and their kid is Matthew Probert. So a man got pregnant from sucking off another man. Yes. Okay. Any questions? No, no, no.

I just think, again, you're going to get, you know. What? The fucking, the listeners are going to. Nurses bringing us up. The nerds are going to come out of the woodwork. I'm actually, the way that you get pregnant is from semen being blasted up into a vagina. What a nerd. You can't help yourself.

To have that sort of technical knowledge, you are a door. Yeah, you can't help yourself. No, but it's the having to comment on it that makes you a huge nerd. Yeah. Any chance to, um, actually, and fire up the keyboard. If you're the sort of person that's ejaculated inside a woman and made a kid and has that knowledge up your sleeve, you are a fucking dork. That's so fucking dorky.

You're such a virgin for knowing that. It really is. Yeah. Keep it to yourself. You're living in your mum's basement. Nerd. And then you fucked her and got her pregnant. Thanks, Matty Proby.

Thanks, Matt Prob. Thanks, pussy name. Thanks, Matt Prob. Thanks, pussy name. Weird, cool name. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Connor McIndoe. McIndoe. I guess. M-C-I-N-D-O-E. McIndoe?

McIndoe, maybe? Yeah. McIndoe? McIndoe sounds better. It sounds better. All right, let's do that. Connor McIndoe. What do you think of Connor?

It's okay. I think I like it as a surname better. Yeah, I agree. First name, if you had to call your child Connor or Condor, which would you pick? That's a hell of a choice. Condor Chandler sounds all right. Condor Chandler's pretty good.

It does sound all right. I mean, I could never be one of those guys that had that has to that has this weird name for a kid and then has to own up to it every time the amount of people that go the amount of people that would come up to me and go you of all people fucking putting yourself out on a limb and calling your kid that name yeah you know you know you would be in school with this kid going, how's your fucking name Condor going? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't justify it. Right.

I don't mind it. Not like presently where you're like, oh, you know, like famous pedophile, Michael Jackson, the name of his child. Yes, yes, yes. Nothing weird and fruity about that. Well, that's not. That's as normal as can be. That's not the real name, is it? What? That's not, you know yes. Nothing weird and fruity about that. Yeah, well, that's not... That's as normal as can be. That's not the real name, is it?

What? That's not... You know that. What? You know the secret, secret name. I feel so stupid. You know the secret name. I've embarrassed myself in front of your baby by calling her the wrong name all these years.

You know my daughter, Probert Chandler. No, Condor's way better. Like, if you had a kid called Condor, I'd be like, cool. Condor Dasolo. Fuck, that actually rocks. Especially if you had a kid and you gave it your stage name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.

Condor Alsop. Either way. No, that's not good. Not as good. Condor Alsop. Condor Dasolo sounds good. Condor Dasolo. Yeah.

Condor Alsop's very jarring. Mm. Yeah. Well, Allsop as a surname, I think a lot of things that you could put before it are pretty jarring. Yeah. I think. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. What's the perfect name to go with Allsop? What's the perfect wine to go with that chicken? Mm. Good question. Mm. Tom's fine. Tom's fine.

Yeah. What about Alliteration Aaron Alsop? Is that something? I mean, my dad's got it worked out pretty well. David Alsop. Yeah, it's fine. Dave Alsop. Dave Alsop.

That's good. I don't think he's ever gone by Dave in his life. No, he hasn't. I'm just workshopping it. Yeah. I'll call him up. Dad, you're 75. Time for a rebrand. Yeah. I'm going to start it. I'll call him up. Dad, you're 75. Time for a rebrand.

I'm going to start calling you Dave. Dave. Instead of dad. Yeah. I just transitioned. It's time to grow up. Do you still say dad? Yeah.

Yep. Yep. He just about three or four years ago started signing off text messages with pa just out of nowhere never i've never called him that this wasn't a this wasn't a thing this wasn't it's like he's trying to get the rebrand he's trying to get this going for himself and i refuse to engage with yes pa poor just start calling him pop pop's pretty good i feel like that is what you i feel like that's a pretty pretty good transition from like from dad when you're like in your 30s or 40s pops like a you know i always got brought up but pop was my grandfather yeah not like because then you see american stuff where

it's like oh pop like what that's your dad well maybe that's a bit of what it is too because it's like once you've got like the fanny fanny divide of australia america yes but once you've got pop in the mix uh once you've got a grandchild in the mix then it's like because you're so often referring to um your father as grandpa around your child then it's like by default do you know what i mean because you're just you would have this with your parents right when you're talking a blanket about them, you're like, what do you call them? To blanket. Oh, to them. No, what do you call your parents when you talk about them to blanket?

Oh. Grandma and grandpa. Nonna. Yeah. Nonna. Really? Yeah, we've talked about this ages ago. But as a joke, I was like, this is funny.

I said to my mum, I'm going to get my child to call you Nonna. I think it'd be funny. And she's like, okay. Right. Because there has to be a difference between my wife's mum and her. So you've stolen the Italian one. Yes. And now what do the Italian ones get?

Nana. Nana. Okay. Right. That's good. Because then we had to explain that to Nana. I go, oh yeah, we call my mum Nonna. Nonna's been taken.

And she's like, is there any Italian going on there? I'm like, absolutely not. No. No. Yeah, okay. She's like, okay. The majority of the time I imagine when you're in your house, and probably more as Blanket gets older,

the majority of the time you're talking about your parents around Blanket is you're using Nonna, right? Yes. So almost by default it's like, well, that's just what I call you now. So maybe that's where pop kind of stems from. Men calling their fathers pop. Eventually it's like, well, yeah, it's weird to just go back to. Like dad, dad, when he talks about my mom, we'll just say mom.

I know. And it's like. I'm copying that too. Cause I'm saying that a lot around the house. Right. That's a weird sort of change in the relationship. Yeah. Where this person.

Yeah. Who used to be just a purely a sexual object. All of a sudden you're calling them mum. Good for nothing else. Yeah. Yeah. But that's, I mean, yeah, dad still does that to me. And it's like, if you say Jane, I'm going to know who you mean.

Like, you don't have to, you don't have to pretend around me, dad. Yeah. Because then it's like, it's like he does it all the time. It's like you go, are you just using this when I'm not around? Is this some weird thing that this has turned into? But you've sort of got to do it now. At the moment, like I said, did I say this on a bonus or on a Talking Dumb Dumb? Where Don't Say Her Name was like saying Carl to me.

And then Blanket just... So just the moment then when you were like we don't name the baby i don't name my wife yes and then you pause in the story you're like wait do i name me on this book yeah yeah exactly exactly so i'm going then then my kid starts walking around going carl yeah your name's carl yeah i'm like oh fuck yeah yeah so yeah it's uh it's it's a weird like i said before the fanny fanny divide you know of course when we when we went to america a couple years ago and it's that weird thing where you know we what we say is fanny is the vagina yeah what the americans say fanny is is the is the bottom it's a bum and then of course we went over and made

the mistake we were going up to girls, we want to fuck your fanny. And they were horribly offended because they thought we were saying we want to fuck your ass. Of course, we didn't mean anything like that. They took it completely the wrong way. Just a couple of hounds having nonstop anal going like, God, all we want is just a bit. We came to America for a bit of P&V and now here we are, just up to our eyeballs in anal. And a lot of them, some of them were very offended because, you know, we were, no, no, no, we didn't come over here

saying we want to fuck your ass. We were merely saying we want to fuck your pussy. Yes. Like, oh, my God. Talk about a culture shock. It was very embarrassing. The cultural cringe. Yeah.

Or cultural minge. Yeah. It was the whole, you know, throw a shrimp on the barbie sort of thing all over again. Throw a It was the whole, you know, throw a shrimp on the barbie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Throw a dick up the fanny. All right. Well, thanks, Connor. Thanks, Connor.

Thanks, Condor. Yeah. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Sheridan Hillman. Okay. Two names ending in an. Sheridan. Sheridan. The Sheridan.

Have you ever stayed at the Sheridan? Or the Hillman? Two names that sound like they could be nice hotels. Yeah. Have I stayed at a Sheridan? Probably at some stage. This is a Sheridan. This is the Aldi version of the Sheridan.

Oh, right. Have I stayed at this hotel chain that does not exist? Yes. No, I have not. Okay. And then what's the other one? Have you stayed at the Hillman? Have I stayed at the Hillman Hotel?

Yes. No, I have not. Okay. All right. Well, correct. That was my trap to see Yes. No, I have not. Okay. All right. Well, correct. That was my trap to see if you're a liar or not. Yes. They tried to impress me by dropping the names of hotels that aren't real.

Well, I mean, there probably is just like one hotel somewhere in the world with at least one of those names. I could see the Sheridan Hotel existing as just a one-off, not a chain. I'm looking them both up now. The Hillman. What comes up when you say The Hillman? The Hillman. The Hillman. There's The Hillman Meat Company. Okay. Have you stayed there? No. Sounds good, though.

Yeah. A little brisket. It is a good name for a company. So there's a car company called that. There's obviously a meet. Just search Hillman Hotel. Okay. Hillman Hotel. There's the Hillman Group. That's a good name for a band. The Hillman Group.

It's a bit too close to Hillsong. Of course there is. Hillman Hotels. There you go. Beautiful. Oh, there's multiple of them. Yeah. Okay. That's interesting. I think there's even one here in Yeah. Okay. That's interesting. There's even... I think there's even one here in Melbourne. Wow. Okay. Okay.

Interesting. Whereabouts in Melbourne? In the city? There's one in Alpena, wherever that is. Mm-hmm. Yeah. One in Pakistan. Okay.

Yeah. Not too bad. Not too bad. And what about Sheridan Hotel? Sheridan Hotel. Because Sheridan's a linen brand, isn't it? Yeah. You might be right. So, them just having their own hotel that's just basically an ad for their linen well it's like the you know what's the what's the ice cream brand again that also do the hotels the um oh moven pick

yeah because you see those moven pick hotels and of course all we all australia know have we ever talked about this all aust knows about Movenpick is oh fancy fucking $14 ice cream and then you find out that no no no

ice cream's just one little tiny thing that they do yep they do fucking 600 objects over there yep

and we've only seen one of them so then when we see the hotels you go oh it's a fucking is this room made of chocolate chip, is it? And they're like, no, cunt.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're putting the car before the horse. We make fucking heaps of shit. You just found out about one of them. It's similar to the very strange thing of the Michelin stars with restaurants. Yeah. The Thai company going around and going like, yep, take it from us.

This is a good steak right here we go the so there's one person that's gone there's one person that's gone okay let's see if we can get away with with um uh getting all the all the all the you know good stuff that goes with the the phonetics of the sheridan hotel yeah the sheridan hotel but mispronouncing it slightly Sheraton And of course that person Is from Cairns In Queensland Where everyone would pronounce The Sheraton

As the Sheraton Sheraton Yeah yeah That's clever Perfect That's clever Perfect And then is it just like

A shitbox hotel Is it just like one star It's a hotel in Cairns Okay So yeah It's fine It looks fine It'd be like a lot of

Fancy hotels in Cairns I don't think there'd be Anything too fancy It'd be fine In Cairns Yeah Okay. So, yeah. It's fine. It looks fine. Well, no, it'd be like a lot of fancy hotels in Cairns. I don't think there'd be anything too fancy. It'd be fine. In Cairns? Yeah, don't you think? No, it's like resorts and shit. Yeah, but they're all, like, fine. Like, this is a classic three-star job.

Like, if you're along the water, there's, like, a lot of... Because I was going to go there before, like, before the lockdown happened. I was going there for a gig, and I was going to stay for a little holiday. Yeah, well... Looking up some nice little fancy joints to stay in. Well, this looks like, you know, you can get away with whatever, as long as you've got a big pool stay for a little holiday. Yeah, well. Picking up some nice little fancy joints to stay in. Well, this looks like, you know, you can get away

with whatever as long as you've got a big pool up there, I reckon. Yeah, yeah. This is very much a three star looking joint. Okay.

Three and a half star. Oh, maybe it's a, maybe it's a, maybe the rooms aren't that big and when you have a room that's not that big you can't,

yeah, I think maybe it's a four star. All right. But yeah, good luck. Good luck to But yeah, good luck. Good luck to you guys. Good luck.

Good on you for you with your little Aldi name. Good luck Sheridan Hillman. Yeah, Sheridan Hillman. I mean, I assume Sheridan's a girl's name. Mm-hmm. Signing off? Yep. Think so?

Maybe. So the Sheridan is a girls' hotel. Is that what you're saying? Yes. Right. Okay. So if I said to you, I'm staying at the Sheraton, you'd be like, what are you staying there for? Yeah.

It's not like those other hotels where they'll have in the bathroom a toilet and a urinal. Yeah, right, right. Toilet, toot only in this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the Sheraton. It's a blue hotel, not a pink one. Right. Yeah. Okay.

And it's Fanny means something else. Yes. The Fanny Hotel. Yeah. Thanks, Sheridan. Thanks, Sheridan Hillman. Yeah. Thanks for...

You sound like two hotels at once. What does that say about your character? Yeah. Always on the run. Yeah. No fixed address. No. Well, thanks, Sheridan.

Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Alyssa Kemp. Kemp? Hmm. Hmm. I like the name Alyssa. Yeah, I was going to say, I like Alyssa. I don't like Kemp. Kemp's a bit, yeah.

It's a bit... There's someone in our town called that, which... Kemp? Yeah. First name or last name? Last name. Kemp is a first name I quite like. What if your first name was Ann?

Ann Kemp. Ann Kemp. Instead of Unkempt, you'd be like a messy. Oh, Unkempt. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Unkempt. Yeah. It was a bit of a stretch and then it wasn't even a good stretch.

Man, I felt like I was having a stroke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What about Anne Kemp? Like, what about it? Yeah. Mine Kemp. Mein Kemp. Mein Kemp. There we go.

Yep, yep, yep. They've probably heard that one. Yeah. Maybe. Well, if someone was going out with Alyssa Kemp, they'd be like, this is Mein Kemp. This is Mein Kemp. This is Mein Kemp.

Dating it, going on a date, or like falling in love with a German guy and being like, oh no. Going on a date, like falling in love with a German guy and being like, oh no. But look, there's all sorts of questions being raised by the word camp, by the name camp. So we're not signing off on that one. But Alyssa. A-L-Y-S-S-A.

A-L-I-S-S-A. Interesting. How interesting? Not that interesting so far. Two out of five. Not that interesting so far. Not what we've made of it anyway. It's fine. I like it.

I don't mind it. I give it a good seven out of ten as a name. What about the name? There was a show when I was growing up called Clarissa Explains It All. Yes. And I don't know that I've ever experienced the name Clarissa. Do you think? Did they make that name up for that show? Clarissa Explains It All. Yes. And I don't know that I've ever experienced the name Clarissa. Do you think... Did they make that name up for that show?

Clarissa Explains It All. Do you think Alyssa can explain some of it? Yeah, she can explain like eight-tenths of it. Right. Clarissa... Because... Well, because Alyssa is like eight-tenths of Clarissa. Yep.

Right. So she can't explain it all. There's a few... She can explain most of it. She's got a few blind spots. She can explain... She can give you the majority of it. Yeah. I mean, that extra two out of ten, like, you know, that's fine.

That's still more than most people know. So she's, like, maybe not great at woodwork. Couldn't explain that. Yeah. Gun on maths, English. Yep. Religious education. Okay.

French. PE. She's a gun at explaining PE. Yeah, yeah, yeah. English Yep Religious education Okay French PE She's a gun at explaining PE Yeah yeah yeah She can explain volleyball too Definitely Yeah yeah yeah Knows all the rules All the codes

Yep Yep But Couldn't Couldn't Couldn't Couldn't Doesn't know her way around a saw

No Yeah No That's the only blind spot In her knowledge. Well, eight-tenths, you wouldn't say two-tenths of school

is woodwork. There must be something else as well. Maybe like one other subject. Indonesian? Indonesian. She can't speak Indonesian. She can speak all the

other languages though. Right. Did you do at school, my language, my second, did you do a second language or a third language? I was doing three at one point.

Whoa. Really? Yep. What were the three? Oh, well, I mean, sorry, I was doing two in addition to the English, which is my native tongue. Right. You were still learning English at the time. Yep.

Well, I mean, yeah, you have a subject called English at school up until year 12. Yeah. It's funny how it's like at a certain point, it's like, yeah, now we're just talking about books and shit. Yeah, yeah. And just doing like just a bit of everything. Yeah. It's like you can all speak it. You know what you're doing.

Yeah, you're 18. What words don't you know? Yeah, because at a certain point, yeah, when you're in like prep, it's like here's how you spell dog. And then it transitions into like, so write an essay about what you think the meaning of life is. But what?

To be fair, you're always doing a class called English from grade one onwards, aren't you? From grade one till year 12. So you're doing 12 years of a class called English. And you're still running into people that don't know how to use apostrophes properly or can't spell. Good point, actually. But maybe we should be learning to spell the entire way through. I mean, English in year 12, what I had to do for my essay was I had to write about the film Gattaca.

Really? Yeah. So it's like, how is that? Yeah, it was like the themes of it and stuff. Like they're very clear about like, don't be talking about your camera angles. This isn't media studies. You're going to get graded wrongly if you don't talk about like the kind of moral implications of the film.

Right. But then, yeah, we get out and there's still people who can't fucking spell properly. So why wasn't it just the year 12 exam for English should have just been a spelling test? I also think that's funny. It's like, don't be talking about the direction or the cameos in here or anything. I was like, cool. The cameos. Well, give me a fucking book to work with.

That's got English in it. There should be more cameos in books because it's easy. You don't have to line the person up. Yeah. Yeah. Then Jay Leno popped in. That is good. But the three languages I was studying.

So English. Yes. Then I was studying French. Yes. Then I was studying French. Yes. Then I was also studying Latin. Oh. Yeah. That must be nice.

Yeah. Well, that, yeah, that's, I mean, I should have known that. You've used that quite a bit on this show. Yeah, I used to say that all the time to my teacher and he hated it. Yeah. Just literally like. Oh, everyone would say that all the time. Is there any point to doing this?

Because it's, you know. Give me something. You can't use it. Give me something... Oh, everyone would have said that all the time. Is there any point to doing this? Because it's, you know... Give me something. You can't use it. Give me something. Oh, God. Anything at all you've taken out of learning Latin? I cannot recall anything off the top of my head. Not even one word.

Canus? Oh, what's that mean? Dog There we go I like it But the Like cause There's no like With Latin

There's no like One word for anything It's like all Like it's all the different Tenses and the ways That you use it Yeah Which is

It's why it's so tough There's no just like one Now that you know this word It's in the vocab It's like whatever form You use it in You're gonna be using A different form of the word Yeah know this word it's in the vocab it's like whatever form you use it in you're going to be using a different form of the word yeah it's a fucking pain in the ass so the one word you've remembered is the latin word for fucking a dog in the ass yes canis yep

good stuff and i'm probably i've probably gotten it wrong too i've probably gotten it wrong too. I've probably gotten it wrong. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. I'm probably wrong on it too. I'm probably going to get some Latin scholar. I mean, fuck, as if there's any of them that listen to this.

Yeah. But when you got the option of picking your subjects in Year 7, all the languages that you wanted to do, it was always like, you know, Latin's marked up really highly in year 12 so it's worth and so you would just like slog your way through it and I was really good at it for 2 years and then

by year 9 I was just like I fucking hate this it's so boring like and there's no there's just no yeah it literally is just like I'm gonna just endure and it's hard like I'm just gonna endure this for another three years to get a bit better mark. And that's a fine reason to do anything, I guess. So you didn't do any field trips to Latvia where they speak it?

Yes. We got to watch, like, Gladiator came out around the time that I was doing Latin. So that was a big event. But of course, we can't have a field trip to go to the cinema. We had to wait for it to come out on VHS. it was all like yeah we've already seen this yeah and it's like a three-hour movie and our teacher was a fucking dumb cunt and he would like we realized we'd started in a class and then he would be watching the vhs across multiple different classes yeah and so then we would come back in the week later and he'd be like all right now

where were we up to and we would all kind of lie and say that we were actually the kind of like half an hour like further back in than we were just so it was like we could string this watching of gladiator out for three months if we really try hard enough yeah so that was my fondest memory of latin great yeah wow what a language. The language of love. Yeah, God Almighty. Well, I did French and just the one. We couldn't afford any more than one. Right. Did you get a choice of other languages to do?

No. Just French? It was French. That was it. It was like a French lady that lived in our town and I think so. That was that. That's pretty cool. Yeah.

I did hear later on that there was Indonesian in years later, which I was always like, Oh, they added Indonesian. Yeah. An Indonesian person moved in. Yes. That's it. I think they got fired from the restaurant and so they become a teacher instead. That's sick.

Yeah. But I do find that very funny in that it's like learning French in Maribor. It's like, oh, cool. Well, this will go fucking nowhere. The gateway to the world. Yeah. And then it turned into learning Indonesian. It's like, well, this makes a lot more sense.

Oh, this is for when you go to Bali. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish I had kept up another language the whole way through. Like being fully fluent in French or any other language now. Man, I tried at the start of lockdown when we talked about it on here and i was like yeah i'm gonna try and learn thai and it was just you know i want to learn it as well but it's just it was just so fucking hard to yeah it was it was part of my day every day when we had nothing to do in lockdown um uh part of my day i had this massive to-do list

and i just go give yourself half an hour to try and learn it. And every day I'd do it and just not get too far, just get little incrementals. And then once you... What were you doing it on? All I was doing was finding YouTube videos that would teach the basics and just go over and over the basics. And once I let it go, once I got a little bit bored with it or whatever, I was like, oh, well, that's all gone again.

Yeah. I watched the same 10 minutes over and over and over for weeks and weeks and weeks. And it was just very little of it went in. I've thought about signing up to like a, like foreign language, like classes. Like I think that'd be the way to do it. Right. Past a certain point. Right.

Kind of like, you know, Tuesday night, head in, learn some Japanese with the fellas, go home. Yeah. I just like the idea of having it as a little weekly activity. Now, that would be great, the way to do that, what you've slipped in in the end. If you go in there with like three or four mates. Oh, yeah. And make it a thing where it's like, Japanese club, Tuesday night.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you go in and all learn together and then go and have some beers afterwards. Yeah, yeah, that'd be pretty cool. That would actually be a great way of doing it. Wipe out everything that you learn. Instead of playing indoor cricket or whatever, you're learning Japanese together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. And then once you get to a level, a certain level of it, boys trip. Yes! Boys trip over to Japan. We're all fluent.

Yeah. We can go over there And absolutely raise hell My god That's actually a great idea Yeah Learn Get mates together

Pick a language And of course There's got to be a language Of a country Where you want to go Where you want to go And that everyone Kind of has an interest

I mean it's A pretty hard thing to tee up Yeah To find three mates That also have the Yeah Time and like Inclination to want to do this.

But yeah, maybe I'll, yeah, maybe, maybe I'll start, maybe I'll put some feelers out. It's a great idea. Yeah. I really like it. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks, Alyssa Kemp. Thanks, Alyssa Kemp.

However we got there. One more. It's literally, it's nearly 2.30, so I've got to take off for the dentist. And let's just do the one more. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Okay. I'm just trying to see what country this person's from. I can't figure it.

Anyway, all right. Okay. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Fanny Comedy. Oh, right. Yeah, that is, yeah. Is this, there's no way of saying what country it is. No, there's no way of saying Fanny. There's no picture of Fanny.

It could be bumhole comedy or Mutt comedy. We can't say whether pink or brown. We can't really say. Beautiful stuff. Well, thanks, Fanny. Putting the money in the front or the back. We can't really... Yep, just a name.

All right. Well, thanks, Fanny. Thanks to everyone who supports the Little Dumb Dumb Club on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Little Dumb Dumb Club. Get on there. Get yourself the bonus episodes. And, yeah, get yourself our eternal respect and appreciation. Thanks very much for listening, and we'll see you next time.

See you, mates.