The Little Dum Dum Club with Tommy & Karl - 602 - Live! Akmal Saleh, Harley Breen & Guy Montgomery

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

Tommy's out of isolation and we're back on our home turf for another HUGE live episode. HARLEY BREEN has had DHS checking up on him, GUY MONTGOMERY shares some incredible flyering techniques with us, and thanks to some sneaky intel, we pick the hits on the AKMAL SALEH jukebox! There's hoses, falcons, McDonalds, plus a healthy serving of one of our favourite topics: things going up the arse. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today on The Little Dum Dum Club, a brand new episode with guests Harley Breen, Guy Montgomery and Akmal. Today, The Little Dum Dum Club is brought to you by friend of the show, Dave Thornton. Oh, Diamond Dave Thornton. Diamond Dave Thornton with his show, That Happened. This is your last week to catch Dave at the Melbourne Comedy Festival until April the 24th. He is at the Lower Town Hall. He's been killing it, this festival. You heard Dave the other week in our 500th episode.

He did a great job of that. He's going back to, I think, about episode five, one of the longstanding oldest mates of the show. Always a good time at a Dave Thornton show, so go and check him out. Absolutely. One of the most rock-solid stand-ups you'll find in Australia. Melbourne, your last chance to see him.

But he must be touring around the country. Looks like he's in Brisbane as well in about a month or so at the Tivoli. So if you get half a chance to see Thornton, always red hot, always in form, never let you down. Yep. And done this show so many times over the years. Always so funny on this show. Always so funny on this show. Always so funny on this show. Always comes in pretty, you know, a lot of the time, pretty last minute.

Happy to, you know, happy to come do it. So you've benefited from the good fortune of Dave Thornton many times over the years. Absolutely. Absolutely knows what he's doing. So get along. Get along. Also, this weekend, come and see us. We have our live podcast 4.30pm at the European Beer Cafe on Saturday afternoon, April the

23rd. Yep. And then we have our rescheduled show. It is April the 24th at 9.45pm. It's the final night of the festival. It's going to be a loose, chaotic muck around show. It's a day off the next day. So it's a big dum-dum weekend.

If you're in Melbourne, and if you're not, get your little sweet hiney down there. 23rd, 24th, back-to-back dum-dum weekend. 4.30 on the Saturday, 9.45 on the Sunday. Great guests locked in. It's two very different episodes, I think, they're going to be. Like you said, one's going to be loose loosey goosey style and we're not doing a drunk cast this year

so that'll be sort of incorporated into that I imagine yeah yeah yeah and then we've got the following weekend Saturday April the 30th we're down in Tasmania in Hobart at the Uni Bar check that out excited to get down to Tasmania that's it I'm just looking at my diary now. Check that out. Excited to get down to Tasmania. That's it. I'm just looking at my

diary now and seeing that my trip down there isn't plugged into my diary properly, so I really hope I've booked those flights. You're looking at your diary and seeing that there's not something in your diary. Well, it's, I can see the return flight. I just can't see the flight over there. Okay, here we go. Come and check that out.

Also, thank you to everyone who's been to my show, Turtle Island, at the Melbourne Comedy Festival. I've added one show. It's this Saturday night, April the 23rd at 9.20pm. So go to the podcast and then just fucking kill five hours and then come and see the last show. I'd really appreciate you guys filling that up if you missed it. But, yes, let's get into the episode

and we'll talk to you at the end in Talking Dum Dum. But until then, enjoy this new one live. Harley Brink, I'm Montgomery and Akmal. Hey, mates. Welcome once again into the Little Dum Dum Club for another week. Thank you very much for joining us. My name is Tommy Dassler. And with me is always the other half of the program, Carl Chandler. G'day, big heads!

Oh, the European Beer Cafe. It's good to be here, although I've been self-isolating with COVID, so it's good to be anywhere. All right. Welcome to 1982. Very nice. Last gig we did, it was just nice to get back from nearly filling 1,000 seater a couple of weeks ago to nearly filling 150 seater tonight. Yep. We're at the Athenaeum, surrounded by our friends, people that have been on the show since we began. And then just before this gig, one of our guests came up to me and said, so the guys

that do this, where are they? So I'm feeling pretty. I am in disguise. I am deep undercover. Maybe COVID's changed my appearance. You have a sheen now. Yeah, yeah. How was it meeting the famous celebrity, COVID-19?

It was good. Yeah, I tested positive four days ago. Anyway, it's good to be... Got bored. Thought, I don't want to miss the gig. No, it was fucking brutal. When are you going to get off your fucking ass and contract COVID-19 already?

The hot girl disease. Come on, get with the times. Not for me. All the hottest people have had it. Me, Greg Larson, the queen. Only the real stunners. Only the real stunners get COVID-19. I haven't heard a good case for it yet, so I'm still

doing my own research. Okay. Right. Have you had the vax yet? I have. I just had one before. Honestly, don't stress it, guys. In my experience, it does fuck all. It was absolutely zero help to me on the couch, shitting

every 15 minutes, barely able to speak, and then I got COVID-19. I've always said you do a good impression of Husey, and you're even doing it now without the voice. Yeah, well, so we did the show at the Athenaeum, and then the next day on social media, Husey posted that he had tested positive, and I had been sitting next to him at the gig

and so I thought, oh, okay, I'm going to monitor this. I'm going to see how this kind of pans out. And then the next day I got a scratchy throat and I kind of felt a bit foggy. And then all of a sudden the next day I woke up, I couldn't fucking taste anything. I thought, oh, no. Day three, I was on domain.com.au looking up property.

I thought, I've caught it off you, Dee. Hang on, hang on. So, do you know COVID? So then my girlfriend caught it off me, like, two days after me. Oh, must be nice. Yeah. She got it must be nice. Yeah. She got really, really sick.

Like she was way worse than me and I was pretty bad. And like she was just in bed all day with a fever. And at one point I went in to bring her a glass of water and she just kind of like wakes out of this fog and she looks up at me and she goes, babe, how could Hughsy do this to us? By that point I'm on day five so'm like, I can't talk now. I'm on Twitter trying to get Dan Andrews sacked. I think it's a new disease that I had. I don't think it's – it doesn't really line up with many of the symptoms

of COVID now that I think about it. Oh, you're all better now, Tommy. That's nice. That's nice. I wouldn't go that far, but, yeah, I'm outside. I'm allowed outside. That's all, Tommy. That's nice. I wouldn't go that far, but yeah. I'm outside. I'm allowed outside. That's all that matters. We're doing the show

adjacent to the comedy festival. Yeah. On at the same time as shows that are also paid to be in the comedy festival. Yes. I think that's a good way of pronouncing it legally. I mean, not registering ourselves in the festival because we don't need their help to fill seats.

Dumb Dumb Fever is catching. You're doing your show. I've been doing something much more fun, admin. You didn't register in the admin festival. Which is weird to not do because you'd think you'd enjoy it. That's all part of it. Too much admin for me. So I've been here, you know, understaffed and stuff like this.

In this venue, European Beer Cafe, and just sitting on the fucking door and dealing... And, yeah, funny, I haven't got it, but I've dealt with, like, fucking hundreds of people per night. Still haven't got it. But just... I wish I did have it at points, just so I could be home and not deal with the fucking dumb cunts that basically you people are. Anyone feeling scratchy in the throat?

Maybe we can make that dream come true. Man, honestly, four or five times I've been sitting on that chair just outside this room at the base of that stairwell there and had people walk in and go, which way to the rooftop? Nice. In case you want to know at the end of this show, I'll give you the hot tip.

It's up. Yeah. That sounds like the brain fog to me, so maybe you'll catch it off those geniuses. Oh, my God. No, it's fucked. So good to be on stage and not being poor old Joshy out there at the moment. Yeah.

Thanks, Josh. How many? Yeah, remember, up. Let them know. What else? What else we got? Guys, I know you're trying to be safe, but for God's sakes, take the masks off. We need all the help we can get up here, honestly.

We need volume. We can't afford any muffling in this gig. If you've got the masks on, here's what you have to do every time you find something funny. Jazz hands, please. Here are these ones. Pretend you're deaf or whatever the fuck happens there. Finally, we're going to transition into the full rock of Stedford that we've always been threatening to do on this podcast.

Give us a bit of these ones, guys, if you're really loving it. Bring out the beat poetry hands or whatever the're really loving it. Yeah, yes. Bring out the beat poetry hands or whatever the fuck that's from. I like this. I go, if you really like it, do this, put your hands in there like this. Already we're getting hands just halfway up. Give it up. Fucking hell. What else?

What else we got up top? We could have advertised this as one of those safe, kind of quiet sessions for autistic people. Not a lot of loud noises to get spooked by in here at the moment. Could have sold those extra tickets. Treat us as coals. Come in and do your quiet shopping. 4.30 on Saturdays.

I did know, so I've been running things. I don't want to be spooked by any unsurprising punchlines yeah yeah yeah I don't want to be scared when I'm buying my Campbell's soup so

it's good to be out of the house and punching down again finally god I missed this when I was on the couch to be fair it's hard for us

to punch down but we manage it so just digging into the dirt fucking king hitting worms. I did know. So I've been doing the door. I've been running gigs.

There's a lot of friends at the show. They're doing shows in this venue. And then there's a few best-ofs and stuff. And I had my ingenious idea of having a best of UK in here. Yes. Best of UK comedy. Then found out there's no UK comedians in this town. And then just going,

Dave O'Neill, well, he's Irish, obviously, so he's definitely on. Fiddly-dee-dee, I've left me kids in the car. Yeah. I'll call you the poofs. Yeah. Occi the poofs So I was going Okay this best of UK

Who I'm just I'm just Getting the sonar out Anyone with an accent Is like I'm just out the window Going fucking come in here And tell a joke please

You're just down at St Kilda At the backpackers Just soliciting people Who are walking in Like just get up And tell a yarn About something that's Happened to you

So first time At the comedy festival I was was like, oh, God. And the venue manager was like, oh, fuck, we're grim for numbers tonight. And I'm like, yeah, I've done all I could. And, you know, he goes, well, you haven't done everything you can. You know what you can do, obviously, tonight. This is the first Wednesday of the comedy festival. I'm like, oh, what's your idea?

He goes, go down and fly Shane Warne's funeral. Yeah, I mean. That wasn't a joke He honestly suggested that I mean it could do with a laugh Presumably Just out the front of the MCG Going oh Warnie hated the Poms But these ones are alright

Come on Flyering a funeral for a comedy gig It's not the worst idea It's honestly not the worst idea. Is it? Yeah. Okay, we could have done it for today. You guys need a laugh.

Yeah, I think most of the people from the funeral are here today. Yes. Still mourning. Still mourning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. One of the last gigs I did before the comedy festival, before I got sick, I did, and some people here were probably there,

I went and did the fundraiser for Nick Capper, Cancer's second most famous comedian patient, Nick Capper. Again, Cancer's punching down there. You, Capper. Go after Hughsy or something. Yeah. I need a bone marrow transplant. Yeah, went and did the gig and, yeah,

a lot of us on at the Comics Lounge and I was kind of like thinking about what material to do and I thought, oh, I'll do this routine that I hadn't done for a while about getting a wish from the Make-A-Wish Foundation and how I famously wished for a laptop. Nailed that one. And so got up and just before the gig, as I was walking

around, now this is kind of like alludes to something that I talked about last year at these live podcasts. I see ex-girlfriend of the show Yes! She'll be back. She'll be back. We can call her

from now on. Because she's like weirdly kind of friends with Kappa. Not to say that it's weird to be friends with Kappa, but to be honest, it is. So I see her walking around. So then the pressure's on. I'm like, I really want to go out and have a good gig. Couldn't give a fuck about raising money for Kappa.

I just want to really rub it into my ex. My ex-cancer, I mean, I should say. It was kind of in the building and I wanted to really make it seem like it was missing. Even I'm laughing at this. Fucking get into it. Guys, I'm still not 100% well. I can barely fucking breathe up here. Jesus Christ, it is hard work to get through this.

We're not even getting fucking jazz hands off you anymore. Jesus Christ. Fuck my ass. Man. So I go up I do the make a wish bit And it goes great Right

Like the pressure really is on Like I kind of get up there And I go I really want to have A fucking great one with my Because I haven't seen her In like years and years and years She hasn't seen me do comedy

In years and years Gig goes great And then I'm feeling good I'm pumping myself up And then I'm thinking about it And I remember Oh hang on That's material that I was doing

When I was with her. So now she's in the crowd. She's like, this fucking hack hasn't written a new routine in ten years. Yeah, he hasn't moved on from me or his own material. I'm sorry, I only perform at gigs that are cancer-based so I can do that one routine that I have for some reason. So, I mean, that's my gift to her. She gets to leave me.

Yeah, what a fucking loser, I guess. Yeah, hasn't moved on. Yeah, yeah, great. No feedback? No feedback of her? No, no feedback of her. Maybe I'll get to see her at the funeral. That's woken you up, hasn't it?

You did this. You drove me to this. Yeah. If you don't like material, touch your fucking toes. I think I have long COVID, guys. I'm technically disabled, so you have to get on board with everything I'm doing up here. All right, all right. Well, I think we've warmed these guys up.

Oh, God. I think I've expended all the energy I had in the tank for today. All right, all right, all right. Okay, let's get a guest. Let's get a guest. Let's get our first guest out here. Folks, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Danny McGinley!

Yay! I think the fever's kicking in again. This can't be real, what I'm actually seeing right now. No, no, no, no, no, no. I know, I get it. Shorts on stage. You don't like them. Man, this is...

You know the rules. This is a pub. This is a day with the boys. This is a pub, yeah. No kids. No kids at the pub. No kids at the pub. No kids at the pub.

Only an absolute cunt would think that. Hello, DHS? I have a parent to report I'm so fucking sick of you cunts If you could stop yelling swear words directly into your daughter's ear for one second Shout out to your child's therapist when they're pulling this one out of her brain

in 20 years time No she seems like she's liking it Alright well this has been fun. Vera, do you want to say anything to Carl? I get that a lot from girls to be fair. Let's give it up for Vera, everyone.

What was that? He has done it again. A complete arsehole. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. What a lovely cameo appearance. Still a bit long for my liking.

I'm going to need everyone to get their phones out that was just taking photos and please delete all of them because the way I look, I don't think I'm going to come off well in a photo with a young child live on stage. You sick son of a bitch. Blander, you in the front row,

you're going to make a fucking three-year-old look old. So just calm down with the pics, will you? Incredibly inside baseball stuff. Yeah, exactly. Don't put a double chin on that young child, all right? Oh, God. All right, all right. Okay, let's get on another first guess.

All right, please welcome back into the Little Dumb Dumb Club, Harley Brain! Let's get on another first guess. Alright, please welcome back into the little dum-dum club, Harley Brain! I know technically you want me to sit there, but I'm going to stay here because I don't want to catch dum-cunts. There's a pretty bad strain of it going around at the moment, brother. Yeah, and it's long dum-cunt as well.

It's been going for about 12 years. Are you 12? So you're performing during the Comedy Festival. You're at the Athenaeum. We were there two weeks ago. When we were there, there was more advertising for you than there was for us. And it is paying off. I have tens of people in every night.

It is. I got the bill the other day. So it's like, you know, we went in there and we, look, I don't mean to talk out of school, but I got the bill and it's like, oh, we get charged extra for microphones, do we? So we were supposed to do that show to a thousand people, acapella. How bad? Bit of barbershop quartet, but...

Well, I've taken myself to haul myself like you guys do and sell merch because I have 3,000 children, so... Yeah, we invented merch, you're right. We're the first people to ever do it. I'd never seen it before, you guys. Well, you owe us money. It was our invention. Ah, well, I'm sorry. I'll give you some money. I've got to give the venue some

money as well of Sweet Fuck All. But the other night I was plugging that. It's great to finish a show with, hey, can you give me more of your money? It's really great. People love it. And I said, could you please pay cash? Because...

Right. Fuck the ATO. You know? I love it that you're on the hallowed stage of the Athenaeum Theatre going, no need to tell the ATO about this. Just... Well, then I said, you know,

if you've got other payment methods like drugs... Okay. Again on stage. I've seen Elvis Costello on that stage. Fucking hell. Well, a young man that looked just like me about 20 years ago with hopes and dreams still in his eyes... Still had a car?

Yeah, yeah, he's got his car. I said, mate, your future's looking grim. So he stepped forward, he goes, you ask and you will receive. And then he kissed me on the neck and then slipped a pinger in my hand. Ah! Fuck yeah, right? But the difference is, like, maybe even like three years ago, what I would have done if that had happened is just clonk

and then just wait for what happens. Now, I've already had three different meetings about when I should take that. You've got a roster on the pinger. Yeah, totally. I've got to figure in another three days of depression afterwards. Yes, yes, okay. See if my psychologist has got an appointment

available. So that, the other time, it was an awesome gig, awesome to be there and to do it, but just the add-ons. Us getting charged for microphones is one thing. So you had signage, but we found out you had to pay extra. There was like an exorbitant fee. I'm finding this out as you're talking.

I've got a lot of fucking signs at the aft. I got stung extra for the COVID that I got there, which I think is unfair. So there was, when we walked in, it's sort of that thing where there, which I think is unfair. Yeah, so there was, when we walked in, it's sort of that thing where you think we've got this sold-out theatre, we're going to walk in, there's going to be our name up on the

sign out the front and posters everywhere. There was literally nothing. There was nothing there, not one skerrick of our name or face or anything. In fact, there was this, rather than any mention of us, on the front door of the A4, there was a tape there that said, of us, on the front door of the other name, there was just an A4, there was a tape there that said,

second-hand library books for sale, $2. That got more signage than our show. Isn't that the name of our show? No, that was a plug for Funny Buggers. Oh, yes. $2, bit of a rip-off. Got them out the front, I will take 20 bucks or a pinger. So when are you going to take the pinger?

Oh, I just did it. All right. The end of this gig should get pretty gnarly. No, I don't know. I genuinely don't know. I mean, you know, I want to honour that man and do it right. So I think I'll shelve it on my last show. And just see if it takes a full hour for it to come in.

Just as I'm about to walk on stage. There you go. When you said the guy came up to you and he slipped it, I really thought that's where it was going. Cut out the middle man. Why wait? Find a table. Alright, let's get another guest.

Alright, folks, please give it up. And welcome welcome to the stage our next guest, Guy Montgomery! Wow, thank you. Thanks, everyone. It's just such a treat to be back with the Bad Boys of Australian podcast. Well, you are bad at comedy, you're right. Two of the worst. It's one of life's simple joys And how are you Harley?

I'm really good mate I've got shin splints at the moment because I'm 42 That's horrible We could have done this in private What does it feel like? Like in pain My body's in perfect working order. It's so good.

Is it? I just do whatever I want. That's great. Yeah, you'd love it, man. That'd be nice, wouldn't it? That would be really nice. Guy, thank you for being one of the only guests that we had booked for this originally who didn't get COVID.

We appreciate that. I took care of business a few weeks ago. I planted COVID in their hotel rooms and I made sure they'd be eliminated. No, I had it. I caught it in New Zealand and I kept it there and then I came over here and I haven't worn a mask since I got here

and it feels so good. Yeah, it's fine. Look, you haven't had it. No. I haven't had it no I haven't had it my daughter has had it twice what a weak fuck right she

she at the peak of her infection she coughed in my mouth literally coughed like I was like I love you baby and she leant back

and held my face and went in my mouth and she did that as this is the truth Dhs were at our house this is absolutely true because my wife is too honest so when your kid gets it they send you a q a on what's happening with your kid's health right on a daily basis so she filled out that that marigold her breathing had slightly labored and so immediately they were like call the ambulance

and she was like no i'm just you know. Anyway, three hours later, knock, knock, knock on the door, a welfare check from DHS. Which, on one hand, what an amazing country we have, that there's a department that can come and check on the welfare of a child. And on the other hand, get the fuck out of my house. Fuck you coming here. Have a look at me. Anyways.

Right, and they were checking if she was isolating appropriately. Yeah, the two-year-old is staying in her room and doing Zoom calls. Yeah. No worries, boys. We've got her locked under the stairs. We've taken care of it. Also very funny to introduce a new person to the situation and make sure they're isolating correctly.

Counterintuitive bureaucratic motherfuckers. So they saw her coughing on you. Does that mean she's not fit to be around you and you've been moved in with foster children? Did they take your way to look after you? It's going to be okay, Harley. I wish that was a thing. But you could get dad protection, not child protection.

We're going to have to take you away from the family. You're a fucking loser, dude. Your kids are beating you up. It's not safe for you here. We'll put you in a hotel room. We'll shelve the pinger for you. Guy, you ever shelve a pinger? No, but I have put my own finger up my arsehole.

I just sort of do it in my leisure time. Drugs for my nose and mouth. You didn't shelve a pinger, you shelved a finger. The soft launch of the pinger. If you're not putting anything up there on the shelf, I think you're just fingering your arsehole. You're just checking that the shelf is there.

You're just like feeling around in the dark like, a bit dusty. It was like an open home. Where would I put a finger in here? Just doing a stock check. What was the purpose of fingering yourself? Well, I heard it felt good. So it was for sexual gratification.

Oh, good on you. Thanks, man. Explore yourself. Appreciate it, yeah. Have you ever squat over a mirror just to have a look at it? I don't have that much intrigue. It's a great moment isn't it hearing that it feels good

and then you try it and you're like well I'll be damned the rumours are true you know it's like people always told me Heat was amazing

and then I watched it not for me but a finger up the day that's just that's something for everyone in that they should take that

take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that take that They should take that in. Carl's making big plans for when he gets home. Sounds to me like somebody's getting a bit flustered about getting fingered. I've got to be overexcited, sorry. Sorry, I'm 46. I only just found out about this today. Do you want to take two?

You nearly did it too. You don't want to put two fingers up there. That is too much. Not those fucking sausages. Oh yeah. Can I talk to you about hemorrhoids?

Those are big ones. Yeah. Yeah. They're no Shane Warne but you know they they're all right. I actually, when you, I was going to do a joke when I first got here, because I'm a big Shane Warne fan and I wanted to do a Shane Warne joke and I got told by everyone we don't do jokes.

In this country at all. Yeah, yeah. But the joke was, and I think it's a funny joke, well, actually, no, it's not. You've come to the right place for it. I figured this was like a safe space for it. Hang on, let's see by vote of jazz hands whether it's any good or not. So it's about, because I'm genuinely a huge Shane Warne fan.

I was so excited when he published his Tell All autobiography. And I think it was 2019. I thought, I can't wait to read this. And then I saw he'd called it No Spin. And I thought, Shane, that's probably the main thing that would make this book interesting. And that's it.

No jazz hands. Got a few folks reaching for their toes I see. Yeah, yeah. I think it's pretty disrespectful honestly. Yeah, sorry. That's more disrespectful than flyering at his funeral I think it's pretty disrespectful, honestly. Yeah, sorry. That's more disrespectful than flyering at his funeral, I think. The first time I came to Melbourne, I actually did.

I went to an AFL game and then exit flyered at the MCG. You're fucking kidding. Did you really? Fair enough. People hated it. You did not I did How many flyers were you there?

Like how many did you have on you? I had like a hundred flyers A hundred? I was just out there going You want to come along? No one wanted to come along It's also great to bring a hundred flyers To a venue that holds a hundred thousand

Yeah, yeah, yeah Always being honest with myself And another Same festival I went to a Wellington Phoenix game At what's the Amy Amy Park

Yeah And the Phoenix beat like Melbourne City Which was this huge upset And I exit flyered that too Same festival, I went to a Wellington Phoenix game at what's the... Amy Park? Amy Park, yeah. And the Phoenix beat Melbourne City, which was this huge upset, and I exit flied that too. And people weren't into it. But then a few people, like a guy and his two kids, took a flyer, and then they showed up to the show, front row, and I made the whole crowd stand up for a minute of silence to honour the Wellington Phoenix.

He had the most sour look on his face. It was incredible. So he took a chance on this poor idiot flying a fucking football game and then you went, you dumb cunts. Pretty much. Great.

Was that the last time you fly at a major sporting event? It seems like it's paid off for you. I mean, two out of however many is more than I would think. No, I've not fly at any major sporting events since. Actually, I used to love flying. I was so good at it. I was genuinely, like I was bitter at flying than the show I was advertising.

This guy's got rapport, he's got jokes in that show, and I'd eat it for an hour. We can just go for a walk around the block and I'll hand you bits of paper instead if you guys would be more into that. You just fly for someone else's show for an hour inside your show. That's a good show. I'd watch that. I'd employ that.

Especially today. Yeah. Why don't you get back out there and start flyering for some sporting events out the front of the town hall? I've seen the stadiums. Things are looking good. The city's busy. I've got to say, coming from New Zealand, the amount of the town hall. Oh, yeah. I've seen the stadiums. Things are looking good. The city's busy. I've got to say, coming from New Zealand,

like, the amount of stimulus I've had since I got here has been totally overwhelming. You know, I've not seen this many people in one place. Oh, mate, you're just in your room fingering your ass from dusk till dawn.

It sounds overwhelming. Yeah, I mean, I'm not coming as hard, but I'm very impressed. Yeah. Watch where you put those jazz hands Alright, let's welcome our third guest out onto the stage Please welcome back into the little dum-dum club Akmal Saleh

Yes Hello Hello Hello Thank you for asking me to do this Because it was either this or stay home in my hotel room and stick my finger up my arse. I'll tell you something.

At my age, I can have that done for free. And it's covered by Medicare. As many times as I need. Something to look forward to for all of us. Well, yeah. Well, no, you're there nearly. Except you've got good hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Harley's too good. He's too handsome to be a comedian. Yeah. A proper comedian should look like me. Like a busted arsehole. Yeah.

A busted arsehole. And obviously you've had a finger up there. That's why it's busted. Do they check ID when you get it done? Like, I'm 35. Are they carding me and going like, mate, you're too young to get one?

They don't use a card. They don't cut your eyes. It depends where you go. If it's a registered doctor, you've got more problems. Go back alley. Okay, I get it. I get it. Carl, you'd be on the cusp of being able to get this.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, looking forward to it. They don't do it anymore. Sorry to ruin it, but there's not a lot of fingering going on now. Oh, it's contest. Again, it depends who you see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got cousins who'll do that for...

But did they go to university? Well, no, they're not registered, but... Yeah, yeah. They're not registered. I've got cousins who'll do that But did they go to university? Well no, they're not registered We all misguidedly thought you were talking about going to a doctor, you're talking about like family reunions No, no, no No, I'm not invited to family reunions They learn as they go, it's the Australian way

Have a fucking go can I say on the way in I thought I've got to get something on you I thought I'll hit up someone that knows you just for a little bit of intel listen I've got to get going I've got to show

I just thought I just needed one or two things and then I got like eight things so then I got like eight things. So I've got an Akmal jukebox. I want to hit the buttons on it. No, no, I'm Carl Barron. I get confused for Akmal all the time. I'm far more successful.

Yes, please. All right. Well, no, just given that we're talking about this, I just got given like a... I didn't get told any stories. They just gave me like a set list. Like headlines. Like the Akmal greatest hits. So I think this is

timely. Three words. Hose up arse. Hose up arse. This is developing into a bit of a theme. The arse show. What do you mean developing? It's there, brother. I mean, speaking about family reunions, this is a true story.

I don't know why you bring that up, but one of my uncles came to visit me when I was young and my parents were away for some reason. Poor, not sounding good so far, but yeah. This is the third time I'm going to bring up DHS today. I'm going to skip ahead and say this is not a hose How hard that thing came it felt like this Call it a hose Akmal

Call it a hose This is why I don't get invited to family reunions anymore Because of victim blaming This is a safe space, Akmal. No, no, I'm the victim. You haven't listened to the story. No, my uncle Samir, who was a

carpet salesman and a very dodgy human being, came to visit Yeah, we got it. You said carpet salesman. He said, yeah, carpet salesman and he had a constipation and he kept going, Akmal, I've got constipation And he kept going I've got constipation I haven't done a shit in three days

I don't know what to do I said do you want to see a doctor He goes no I don't see doctors They're mostly not registered But he's saying this to his young nephew I was like 16 Oh that's fine then You're the age of consent

In Egypt that's fine then. You're the age of consent. Age of, yeah. In Egypt, that's a marriage age. And I woke up. I thought, I'm going to go and just leave this guy because he's fucking driving me nuts. And I get there and I open the toilet door and he's sitting there with his pants off and he's going, ah! Still, I'm very constipated.

My stomach is like a rock. I said, okay. And he goes, please, can you do me a favour? Can you go to the backyard and get me the garden hose? I said, what do you mean? He goes, just go get the garden hose. I said, but why? He goes, just fucking get it.

True story. I was 16. I had to go get the garden hose, pass it through the back window. And he grabbed it and he goes, now, when I tell you, turn the tap on, but very soft. I thought you were going to say he made you kickstart it like you're siphoning petrol. When I say start sucking.

No, no, I think you misunderstood the story. I need gas for the shitmobile. But he goes, now, now, okay, now, I think you misunderstood the story. I need gas for the shitmobile. But he goes, now, now, okay, now, stop, turn it off, turn it off. I get to the toilet, this man, there's water everywhere. In the inside of the toilet? I tell you something, man, we never drank out of that hose again. I can't tell you that much. I've got a long history.

The family's fucked up. Oh, my God. That is traumatic stuff. Did it work? Yes. He said, yes, it did work. He goes, oh, that's better. And then he goes, he comes in and he goes, that's so much better.

Do you have anything sweet to eat? Yeah, I've got a penis. What? Swish. Sweet, sweet, sweet. I think there's a misunderstanding of the whole story here. Oh, no, we're getting it. My uncle Samir did not fuck me.

As far as I know. Tomatoes, tomatoes, mate. I fucked him. There we go. Because he had constipation and we'd lost the hose. That's a strange story to come up with.

Is your source the uncle? Yes. Yeah, yeah. I've actually only just got one thing on the jukebox. At the time, my nephew fucked me.

Yeah, that was it. That was it. Yes. My uncle Samir, may he rest in peace. Oh. Don't fuck him, he was a cunt.

It's a dodgy prank. You don't say. It's rare that you have a thing like diarrhea that is so funny and then the exact opposite being constipation is equally as funny.

You know what I mean? I can't think of anything else in life where the two polar opposites equally as funny as one another. Yeah, well constipation is equally as funny. You know what I mean? I can't think of anything else in life where the two polar opposites are equally as funny as one another. Yeah, well, constipation becomes diarrhea. You just have to be patient. Yeah. I had a memory of being a little kid and being constipated

and my dad taking me to a doctor and getting the hose put in. And being too young to really understand what was going on and then in my 20s just remembering me just with the hose up my arse. Looking at dad going, what's happening? And him going, it's for your own good. And then remembered that in my 20s and went, well, I'm going to have to bring this up to dad. I guess this is where I learned I got raped as a child.

Does anyone here tonight not have a story about things being inserted in someone's ass? Would anyone like a story about... You want a story? No, I don't have a story. Okay, fine. Wow. Step up on stage and we'll give you one.

Hey, have you had a prostate check? Get up here. I'm a doctor. I'm a doctor. No. Not one of those quacks. Is there anyone in the crowd that reckons they've got a thing up the ass story that could rival what we've heard so far?

No, no. I've got another one. Oh, man, I've been fingered by that many doctors. I had a spiral fracture of my femur when I was eight years old, which meant I was in traction with all the bolts through it and the weight hung off the end of it because I have what's referred to as a retarded bone, which means I can use that word because I am one, right?

They'll edit it out. They fucking hate me. I thought you were talking about Cam James for a minute. If it's getting chopped out anyway, why not have a bit of fun? No, no, that's a medical term. Keep it in. Kids can learn from this podcast. It's a real thing anyway.

Because I was in traction and I was in traction for two months, it meant that every time I had to poo, it was in a pan. And I was eight years old and I was just not going to do it. And so for a week, I just didn't shit. And then one day they walked in and I pulled the curtain around and I went, you're going to shit. And I went, no, I'm not. I don't need to shit. And they went, no, you're going to shit. And then one day they walked in and I pulled the curtain around and I went, you're gonna shit. And I went, no I don't need to shit. And they went, no you're gonna shit. And they rolled me over

and they had a pill. It would have been about that big, right? It was about the size of my little finger. So you measured it. One normal finger. And then as they were doing it, the little eight year old Harley was going, okay, okay, I'll shit, I'll shit, I'll shit, I'll shit. And then they put it in and fuck me, did I shit.

It just came out. Very romantic story. Very beautiful. You should tell that on Valentine's Day. You just played this episode of the podcast. Don't get anyone in the mood. This is a very erotic sort of comedy. Five fellas just pouring their hearts and anuses out.

Send this into penthouse diaries or whatever. The time I lost my anal virginity. Welcome to the anal hour. It's hard to believe that this wasn't plan A for this show. I mean, you started it. Yeah. plan A for this show I mean You started it Well actually my uncle Samir His diet started it What else have we got on the Ackmar jukebox

On the jukebox I don't have any more anal Unless it's segways There's always more anal This is the closest thing I've got Two words Breastfeeding dog. Oh, fuck.

This is... Welcome to make Akmal look like a total fuckwit. No, this is another true story, sadly. Then it goes to explain why I'm so fucked up. My auntie Faisa gave birth. And anyway, she was like her 18th child or something. And she wasn't, this is a long time ago. I got to say, Auntie Faisa, is your auntie from Star Trek or something?

No, but she is from another dimension. The things she did. Man, this is a true story, right? This is when I was like a little kid and and Auntie Faye was breastfeeding her newborn baby, and no milk was coming out. Is this going to end up like the other two stories? Yes, but further up. So she went to her husband and said,

I need to see a doctor because the milk's not coming out. And he said, well, no, we don't do that. I can't help you at the moment. There's a hose up my arse. Well, no. He could multitask. He was very talented. Uncle Fazer's

husband could do a lot of shit. Double degree. Yeah, absolutely. So what he did was, he goes, you don't need a doctor, I'll go get you a newborn puppy. What? What? I know, it sounds weird but just listen to the end.

And so he finds somehow, he finds a newborn puppy. And it worked. The milk came out. Hang on, hang on. So walk me through how it worked. So basically, it was like a, I guess you'd call it a breast pup. The puppy legend. I just made that up, I swear to God.

It didn't get a laugh, but I made it up. She basically put the baby out and put the puppy on her breast, and it worked. It was like a breast pup. Yeah, I know. Fuck, how do you think she felt? And the weird thing, people were coming to visit her and would think, wow, it's a beautiful baby.

It just looks just like you. That's a true story. You're coming up with the weirdest shit, man. Where do you get, like, who's breeding these puppies? Well, they're not breeding them for the breast thing. They're just breeding them because they're dogs. They're not going, fuck, this is going to make a breast pup.

Well, they're not. You just made that up before. Any puppy's capable of this. No, a newborn puppy that is still suckling on its mum's boobs. If it's a Rockweiler, she's mighty face is fucked. You know? They'll have a breast removal, you know.

With a Rockweiler. No, no, look. It have a breast removal, you know, with the Rottweiler. No, no, look, it's a strange story, but apparently it's in the family mythology and it really did work and Auntie Fazer's now dead. This is the end of all these stories. Yeah, we're two for two. No one walks out alive out of one of the fucking Huckpaw stories. This is a long time ago. I'm old. My auntie Faisa. It's one of the most disturbing

things I've ever heard. If we could get a hose up that dog's ass just to kind of, you know... Or auntie Faisa's ass. It wouldn't be the first time. Okay. She was a very experimental woman. You guys, this is good shit. Wake up again. I'm sorry. This is your annual wake up time.

Can I ask, who gave you these? Another comedian. I will kill them. No, no. Cal Wilson. Oh, Cal Wilson. I did radio with her. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That explains why the next thing is at that radio station there's compliance training. Every other show gets compliance training and their first example is your show. I remember that, man. It was almost what Akmal did.

You know the first week I was at Nova, I fucked up big time. I didn't even realise it. I did a gig at the weekend, a charity gig for the Ronald McDonald House. Love that clown, yeah. It's a charity for sick children and Kel Wilson asks me

on air, it's a national show and she goes, what did you do on the weekend? And I lost my mind. I said, I just did a gig for the Ronald McDonald House and she said, what's that? I said, it's a charity for sick children. And I find that really ironic because I'm pretty sure that's how those children got sick in the first place.

That's good gear. That's good. That's some good shit. I said that and the fucking building exploded. Hey, I've stayed in the Ronald McDonald House. It gets a big old tick from me, that one. I loved it, brother. Man, I had to write so many...

That was a terrible week. You got in trouble for suggesting McDonald's food isn't totally healthy. Well, it was McDonald's that supported the station. Without the McDonald's, there wouldn't be a Nova. I didn't realise that. No one told me that. I fucked up. That's good that there's so many of these things

that that didn't make the list I got. So that was a clip they would play to new people working at the station to be like an example of don't do this kind of thing on air? Is that what you're saying? Yes. Yeah, there's lots of things. Okay, I'll give you another example.

They had this thing where they say, we play no more than two ads in a row. Now, I've been there a year, and not once did they play more than two ads in a row. So I'm just ad-libbing, just riffing. You know, it's every day. You've done it. And I said, we don't play.

Of course we don't play two ads in a row. If we do play more than two ads in a row, we're giving away a Mercedes Benz. No! What are the odds that afternoon they played three ads? No! Like, why did they do that?

It's so easy to just not do. That's on them. They're fucking idiots. Fucking idiots! Well, that's what I said. I wish they were as understanding as you. That's not your fault. What are they in there going like, I don't know, man, we played the first two,

they went over great, we were feeling bad. You know why? They were apologising. Fuck, we better put on another ad for McDonald's. The duck mile fucked up in the morning. No, no, but you know what happened? This guy was so upset because he thought he got us, right? Fucking, yeah, they played three ads.

He was listening and he said, I'm going to get on my, my solicitor's going to get on to this. And the guy who came up with it was brilliant. They just gave him a Matchbox Mercedes. Oh, no. And it was legally okay. Oh, no.

Because there was no terms and conditions. Yeah, that's right. Very good. Read the fine print, fuckhead. I'm certainly rooting for a National D syndicated radio station, Nova, in this anecdote. Nice to see the underdog win. I would have hated to see that fucking pundit

who probably thought he was having the best day of his life come away with anything of use. Man, there's a few incidences. Go the fat cat. Yes. Well, that's funny because nothing is, the example I got was nothing as elaborate or good a story as that. It was just you got in trouble for saying to a woman live on air,

you are a fuckwit. Yeah, that's pretty much the story. It's 2022. Women can be fuckwits as well. No, no,, no This is 2008 Oh, they could be They were fuckwits then That's actually pretty problematic

How dare they How dare they be fuckwits Back then, that was our domain Yeah, yeah No, no I didn't realise I said it That's why I said it I didn't say

Did I say fuckwit? And then they played it back. You fuckwit. No, actually it was fuckhead. It was fuckhead. I said you fuckhead. Somehow so much worse. What had she done?

Well, look, we had this segment. She wanted a free Mercedes? We had this segment where people would ask me questions and I would be helping. But it was a joke segment, right? It was a joke segment. So this guy rings up, he says, oh, I'm not popular with women. What do I do?

He's a young guy, 20 years old. Shut up, listen. Oh, no, it's happening again. No, no, no. We've just spent an hour telling him to do that. Don't stop them from doing it. Look, I was frustrated because everyone rang up to tell me off. To be fair, Kamala, I remember this day and I was in a pretty tough spot.

Yes. You think I want to be making this phone call? It was him. It was Guy in the story. It was Guy Montgomery on the phone. That's comedy. Guy called up. It was actually Guy.

It was a joke segment. People should have realised. And he goes, yeah, girls don't like me. And I said, well, you know, they have a right not to like you because you're ugly. And that's okay. What you need to do is become a cult leader, a religious cult leader, and then everyone would want to have sex with you. It doesn't matter what you look like.

And then everyone would want to have sex with you, doesn't matter what you look like. And then everyone rang up, and my producer's fault, man, because he kept putting people to air game. You, how dare you? And it was the one after the other. And then finally this woman, she goes, you little cockroach. How dare you tell a young man that?

And I said, well, what would you have done? She goes, well, ask him to, you could have asked him to join a club or something. I said, I did, you fuckhead. Fair enough. I didn't even think. But she got so upset and the only way we can appease

her was send her a PlayStation 3. Oh! She got more than the fucking Mercedes guy got. Oh my God. Exactly. How did you keep this job for so long? You're having blues every second day. You know the big joke? I fucking left.

Nice. They didn't sack me because they were fuckwits. Yeah. I don't know. Well, you got punished. You're here now. Yes, I'm here now. I am.

No, no, I was surprised they kept on pursuing me, but I don't know why. Great. Great. I've seen you display quite a keen eye for an anecdote, so that might have been part of it. No, unfortunately, most of my anecdotes are not fit for air. That was the issue.

Can I ask this? I don't think we asked this last time, but is it true that you literally didn't know what I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here was when you went on it? No, I did know, but I needed money. No, no, I had a vague idea. I'm not a big TV watcher, right?

So I had a vague idea of what the show was about, but I didn't know about all the other shit. Honestly, I'm telling you the truth. I did the show because I had tax problems. No, no, really. My accountant was a cocaine addict. True story. This is all true.

And he forgot to put in my tax for three years in a row, and I was fucked. I was fucked. It was either do this show or go to prison. I should have gone to prison. But I didn't realise... A lot of hoses up bums in prison for you, though. I hate to say it.

Not a lot of people listening when you say, I'm in prison, get me out of here, though, to be fair. Call someone a fuckhead in there and see how you go. A lot of hoses up bums in there, too. Well, speaking of bums and hoses and bodily things, I'll tell you an interesting story. The week I was there for 18 days and by the third day, I was really starstruck by Shane Warne.

I don't get easily starstruck, but I'm going, fuck, it's like, I couldn't believe it. I grew up with Shane Warne and it's Shane Warne. But then after a couple of days, I kind of became really good mates with him. He was a great storyteller and stuff. But he had constipation. I swear to God. No, I swear to God.

Please tell me you put a hose up Warne's fucking ass. No, no, no, listen. And then you got an elephant's trunk. Just listen. It was the most surreal night of my life, right? No. No, no, I'm in South Africa. And we got on really well.

Have some respect. Respect. No, he comes up, he goes, and this is Shane Warn, man. He goes, oh, I said, how are you, Shane? He goes, oh, I don't feel too good. Oh, no. I swear to God, this is Shane Warne, man. He goes, oh, mate. I said, how are you, Shane? He goes, oh, I don't feel too good, Akmal. I said, what? I swear to God, this is true. And you can probably, if someone's got it.

Yeah. No, no, he was. He was coming to me. And it was a big deal. You can check it. And he goes, mate, I haven't done a shit in three days. And he's leaning over me. And we're in South Africa in the jungle.

And it's like 40 degree heat. And there's TV cameras everywhere. And I'm lying in this hammock and hovering over me is the spin king, Shane Warne and at that moment I thought, fuck, this has got to be the most surreal moment of my life. I mean, if I

a year ago, say a psychic said in a year's time you're going to be in South Africa and Shane Warne is going to be discussing with you his bowel movements. I'd have gone, fuck, give me my money back. But on the third day

he dropped a sitter. He did, he did. That was great. He told some great stories that I wouldn't even tell here. Was he given an exemption to go and have bangers in the booth? He told some great stories that I wouldn't even tell here. Oh, damn. Was he given an exemption to go and have bangers in the booth? Yes. That's so great.

Him and Anthony, what's his name, the singer? Kalia? Anthony Kalia. But what about the smoking? Yes. There we go. Hey! There we go.

Hey! Big jazz hands. Big jazz hands. Yeah. That's hands. Big jazz hands. That's right, he's gay. He is gay. And so is Anthony. Oh, there we go. That is something in the shape of comedy.

Fuck, it's easy. It really is. It's so easy to get laughs here. I mean, not only is there laughing, we're laughing. That's something. That's something. That's something. Yeah, we're having a good time. Yeah, it's great.

Bring me yourself. Shall we go back to the jukebox? Shall we try another one? Shall we... What's the best... What about this? Selling Houses Australia. Yeah.

Welcome to... Akmal is a complete fuckhead. Yeah. Yes, Selling Australia. Welcome to Akmal is a complete fuckhead. Yes, selling Australia. Me and my wife are both very impulsive people. We bought a house in the forest, in the middle of the jungle, because we thought we were hippies.

After living there for ten days, we realised we were not hippies. We were fuckwits, basically. Different subculture altogether. And we... Man, I have not experienced... Because it's pretty. You know, when you see it,

you can understand why you're... You know, it's... This is up in, like, Byron or something around there. No, no, no, no. This is in the middle of the jungle, man. It's, like, a place called Huonbrook, which is about an hour north-west,

west of Byron, and it's just fucking so thick, and only the true blue ferals live there. And fuck, I grew up in Punchville in Sydney, and suddenly we got these snakes and bush rats that ate our furniture. They ate our furniture, and these things that wanted to kill us,

and we had these feral dogs. Sounds beautiful. Man, I heard sentences that I never thought, like my wife would say, wake up, I think there's a tiger snake in our kitchen. That's not a sentence I thought I would ever hear in my life. And then, yeah, one of the, this is a true story, right? We had no water for like four days. No water.

The water was off. And my wife said, you've got to ask the neighbour how to fix the water. And I said, fuck, the neighbour's like a kilometre away and there's bush rats and these leeches that went up your arse. We're back. There we go. Here we go.

Finally. I'm giving you the opening here, see? I'm such a generous performer. Gave the leeches the opening too. see? I'm such a generous performer. David Leitch is the opening. And I went to knock on the guy's door and I said, man, we don't have any water. So are we your new neighbours? We live in that cabin. And he goes, mate, he goes, oh, you probably got a goanna in your pipes.

That's another sentence I never... And I said, what do you mean? He goes, you could probably animal or goanna. They come in to get a drink and they get trapped in the pipes. That's another sentence I never, and I said, what do you mean? He goes, you can put an animal or a goanna, they come in to get a drink, and they get trapped in the pipes, so what you've got to do is go up the hill, unscrew the pipes, pull the animal out, it'll be dead, and then you'll get water. And I actually said this, I said, oh, can you do it? He goes, no. I went back, my wife was there, she goes, what did he say? I said, he said, we have to move.

Fuck that. And so I was on a show called Selling Houses Australia because my mate was a producer on it. And we looked like, I didn't think anyone watches these shows. Everyone fucking watches these shows. For the next two years, people were everywhere I went, no matter how remote. Like, hey, Akmal, did you sell your house? I'd be at the urinal at the airport. Hey, you fucking idiot. Did you sell your house I'd be at the urinal

at the airport hey you did you sell your house but what happened on the show well they well they basically it's a great show

you know if you're having trouble selling your house these people come in and fill it with cushions that's it yeah and that was it

that's all they did doing the lord's work. That's right. Did the production company get the goanna out of the pipe before they had you on the show? No. No, they didn't. No, I think the goanna's still there.

Still no water. No, some loser bought the house. We lost a lot of money, man. Fuck. And all my wife's books were eaten by bush rats. What fucking animal eats? They're very intelligent animals now. All psychology books.

And yeah, I could... Yeah, no. Fuck, man, that was a big mistake. But when you get there, you go, this is stunning. Initially, but there's got to be work to be done. I had a ride on Mawa that I bought because I thought I'm going to be a man of the land. I bought a mower, it cost me 10 grand, right?

True story. And it was a five-acre property. So the first day I used it, I'm going, this is going to be great. I love this. And I'm riding the mower down the hill and then I go onto this, like, a log and I couldn't move the mower. I'm going, fuck. And then, stupidly, I log, and I couldn't move the mower. I'm going, fuck.

And then, stupidly, I get down and I try to lift it, right? Oh, God. It's a 10,000. It's a truck. And I'm lifting it, and I sprain my back. I'm like, ah! And basically, I crawled on my hands and knees to the cabin and slept. That's so much a better story than what I thought was going to happen.

No, no. You hurt your back. I thought you were going to fucking mow your hand off. Well, I haven't finished the story yet. Oh, right. Sorry. Hang on. Then the mower went up your ass. But for the next month, every time I looked out the window, I see just one

track made. And the mower is just rusted. That was an image of my failure as a person. So you've sold the house, right? What did you do with your cannabis plantation? Oh.

Harley's woken up. Well, that area, there is no plantation. There's no border. You just take what you need. No, everyone grows it. It's ridiculous. Yeah, I think we're getting down to the really brass tacks

of why you moved to that region. Yes, if anyone needs any, just see me after. That's the thing, like in that area, they're all activists and they're all like, want to change the world. But they pick, they go, oh man, have you heard of the chemtrails? I've heard of chemtrails, yeah.

Well, the chemtrails, if you don't know... There's some people having a meeting about it on the steps of Parliament at the moment. Yeah, yeah. But nobody, you know, but how do you know they're wrong? You can't be sure. Fuck it all. Oh, come on. Hey.

Let's hear him out Let the man speak Harley where's your ping Someone else has shelved it I think No look you've got to Keep an open mind But look my problem is not Whether it's real or not My problem is are you willing to do something about it

They go babe we've got to change it. We've got to take on the government. Mate, they're dropping chemicals on us to keep our brains numb. Yeah, and they're telling you that as they're smoking a gigantic joint. Mate, the government's trying to numb our brains. We've got to rise up. And you go, fuck, you're having trouble rising up off the couch. You're not going to rise up. But you go, fuck, you're having trouble rising up off the couch. You're not going to rise up.

But you've got to keep an open mind. No, no, don't be fascist. You got it. No, no, you're fascist. Fuck off. I've always said that about this audience. Yeah. No, no, no. Look, don't be scared to have a different view.

That's all I'm saying. Do your own research. I'm not scared. You look scared. Yeah. All right, should we try one more? Should we try one more? Take us out on one more?

Mm-hmm. All right, all right, here we go. What about this one? Relatives I pecked out by eagle. That was actually... I feel like Dmo's vanilla motherfucker on the plane I can't believe you're the one

with the doobie brothers on your chest you would do well at our family reunion they would cook you they would skin you look my uncle oh no the same one no different one They were like, skin you. Look, my uncle... Oh, no, the same one?

No, different one. Have you got a lot? Fuck yeah, yeah. My mum's got eight brothers and two sisters. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is before the age of condoms. What was it? Adley.

My uncle Adley, he's got a... Because when he was young... It's funny now, but not then. Yeah, you've got to give a bit of time to when an eagle pecks your eye. Well, where we lived in Cairo, every... Eye plus time. All the houses are really close to each other. So because of the population, if you looked out the window,

you saw someone's lounge room, right? And he was 16 or 17 and he loved this girl. He was trying to be romantic and she liked him too. So every time he wanted to attract her attention, he'd take a hanky and he said, every time I do this, you come out and

we'll have a chat. That was it. That was the date back then. What I love about these stories is you get that much into it and then you go, how's this tying back to the title of this story? Oh, no, I'm telling a different story. I've decided not to tell my own. No, and then as he was waving, I don't even know why he picked this story,

it's not particularly interesting, but he was waving at the girl to try and get her attention and a bird of prey, possibly a falcon, they think, swooped down and just ripped his eye out. Yeah, fucking hilarious, right? Right? But you know the funny part was they blamed it on him because they said that's God's punishment

because you were being lustful. And so God just went, fucking send that falcon, rip his fucking eye out. And they believed that. They believed that till the day, you know. Well, it's important to keep an open mind. Oh. It's actually important.

It's important to keep a closed eye. Yeah. Keep a closed eye. No, I mean, you know, I think maybe it was God or maybe it was someone else. It was a bird of prey. It was a bird of prey. It was a bird of prey. Did the hanky say, like, falcon suck or something like that?

Like a red rag to a falcon, it's the saying. Maybe. Yeah, I don't remember. It was a long time ago. But possibly the falcon had a vendetta that was unrelated to the girl. He just didn't like my Uncle Adley. Too many chemtrails for the Falcon. Too many. Well, it's true what they say.

Tragedy plus time equals a podcast. I think that... Another winning anecdote from the Akmal Dupont. I feel like I've been reunited with my family. I feel the warmth that they never offered me. Well, I thank Cal Wilson for writing 45 minutes of this podcast.

Cal Wilson. Cal Wilson. Have you had Cal on here? Yeah. Well, you talk to me after the show. Let's have a chat. I can't wait to hear the scandalous stories about her doily collection

oh mate the things that she's done to those doilies you would not believe she has a lot more in common with my uncle Samir than you think

I'll tell you some great stories alright we better wrap it up for another week on the Little Dumb Dumb Club. Please give a big round of applause. Akmal Saleh, Guy Montgomery, Holly Breen. Thank you very much for listening at home and we'll see you next time.

See you next. And they've done it again. Oh boy. Fun ep. The best of Akmal. Yeah. Very, very nice of him to come in and play ball. Yeah. And get ambushed like that.

Yep. But some good shit. Always good to have some good stories to play with. Nice man, Akmal. Yeah. And all these three guests, they're all doing their comedy festival shows around the country, especially in Melbourne right now. So if you found them funny, get along, get along, support those guys.

If you found them funny on this, they're even funnier when they have prepared material. Yes. And they're not being ambushed by their own lives and stories. Yes. Good shit. Like we said at the top, if you like their own lives and stories. Yes. Good shit. Like we said at the top, if you like that, come and see it live this weekend in time of recording. It is the 23rd, the 24th. Back to back, we'd love to see you down there.

Two really, really fun live Melbourne podcasts. And then who knows the next time we'll do anything like that in Melbourne. But then, of course, who knows the next time we'll be in Tasmania? Well, the next weekend, Saturday, April the 30th, we're doing a live podcast and a little bit of stand-up, I believe. Yep. And it's the first time we've been in Tasmania for about, I don't know, four or five years or something like that?

I believe 2019 was when we were there. Okay, three years. So it feels like longer. So get down there. We are bringing we were there. Okay, three years. So it feels like longer. So get down there. We are bringing our respective partners down there, and we don't want to look like fucking losers in front of them. Well, mine won't be there, so.

Oh, she's not coming now. She's coming to Tasmania. Oh, she's not coming to the show. I doubt she'll come to the show. So I've got the benefit of just being able to absolutely lie through my teeth about how full it was to her. And take off the wedding ring and just mingle. I get it. Look, good point.

I better ask to see what's going on with my betrothed to see if she's coming along or not. Because she's coming down to see a friend of hers, but then the friend of hers was quite keen to come along to see the show. Oh, okay. So I don't know. That could change. I mean, a similar thing with my partner. A good friend of hers lives down there, so I would assume that she would be using that time to go and catch up with her.

But maybe the worst nightmare, she'll bring the friend along to the podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe they can all sit on a table out the front and just have a palmer. The wags and friends of wags. Yeah. They all share one palmer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like divvy a palmer up into quarters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they can go out and they can do the door maybe. That'd be good. Yeah. I'm sure they'd both love that. Yeah. They'd be fighting over which one of them does get to do it.

Yeah. And Blanca would be in there too. She'd be loving that. So get along. They're the big ones that we've got planned at the moment. Melbourne and Hobart and then hopefully Perth. I mean, I'm assuming Perth down the track a little bit. Yep.

Whatever that is, July or whatever it is. July the 16th or something. That's just in that holding pattern. But yeah, make the most of it. Who knows the next live shows we do. So get along. They're always fun times. They're party times, especially the Sunday night party one in Melbourne.

I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Yeah. And like I said at the top of the show, bonus show for me, Saturday night, April the 23rd at the Comedy Festival in Melbourne, 9.20pm at the Cooper's Inn, TommyDassolo.com for tickets. I have a sneaking suspicion that I've got eyes bigger than my stomach on this one. So it would be great to not be there putting on the extra show and doing it to four people. Saturday night, come on.

Come on, yeah. I'm hoping you never know. You never know. But yeah, if you missed out for whatever reason, if you're one of these people travelling in just for the last weekend, come and check it out. And yeah, if you saw it and liked it, please tell some people. But yeah, we got one more weekend of these shows. But of course, the fun keeps rolling here year round

and especially over on our Patreon where you can keep the good times going. We've done bonus episodes with a couple of people who are in town for the comedy festival, having some special guests on them. You can get on there. You there you can support the show and yeah you can get these two bonus episodes every monday and friday that's right as of we uh if you enjoyed guy montgomery's work on here right uh on this episode we just recorded a couple of bonus little ones with him so uh very fun very fun little bite-sized bits of dum-dum. Sometimes better than the actual episode. Yeah. So get on to that.

Now, of course, we like to reward the people for being loyal to us and read out their name and make them part of the show in a way. Yep. I mean, they can't speak on the show, obviously. That's only for trained professionals like us. But what we can do is use our trained professions to make fun of their names or celebrate their names depending on what they've got for us.

How many times, because it is true, once we read out a name they are sort of unofficially a character in the show. Right. How many times this festival have you had someone come up to you, a listener of the show and introduce themselves as like, you know, they've been read out on the Patreon

but like two months ago and they just assume that it's still front and centre in your mind. It's like, hey, I'm Danny Dumbcunt. And you're like, oh mate, that's kind of, that's all of you in my head. I got a couple, but I think I got one that was like that week. So I was like, oh yeah, okay. Okay. Did you meet, I met, I forgot to say this at the time. I met Jack Cox after the 500. Oh, I don't think so.

I can't remember. I met Jack Cox and his wife. Oh, okay. Very nice. Yeah. From a few weeks back. That's... Yeah, look, that is a name that does stick in the memory bank.

But no, there has been a few. No one as memorable as that. No Jürgen. Jürgen or whatever his name is. That was early on. No, well, I've got... Here's a new batch that we could be meeting in the next week. Yeah, yeah, okay.

Yep, yep. The old unplanned title alternator. We should have a stipulation. If you're going to come up to us after a show and introduce yourself excitedly as having been a Patreon read, it really has to have been within about three days of the ep dropping for us to have any memory of discussing you. Look, Jack Cox, I'll give that to him.

Jack Cox is, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's evergreen. Don't come up with John Smith or something. Well, look, there's no danger of that happening with this first one I'm about to read out. Thank you very much to First Cab or, you know what, off the rank this week. Patreon subscriber, thank you very much too.

Anonymous Nielsen. Hmm. Now that's an odd name in that, if you're anonymous, do you really need the surname in there? You're not truly anonymous. No. Well, that's just like I'm part of the Nielsen flock,

but I don't. Is this something to do with the Nielsen ratings in the US? Oh. Is this someone who it's like, you know, I've got one of the boxes, but I don't want you to know specifically that I'm contributing to the numbers of downloads. Or is this one of the hackers, you know, anonymous? Is this just his actual name? Yeah.

This is the son of Leslie Nielsen who got into hacking. He's trying to bring down Russia at the moment. Yeah, but just like hacking the official Russia website and just putting fart sound effects over the top of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, beautiful. Like, yeah. On Russia 1, when you're trying to tune in to see the news,

you're just hearing... Yeah, yeah. 24 hours a day. Do yourself a favour and look up on YouTube if you haven't seen it already, Leslie Nielsen's fart machine that he used to bring along to television interviews. He did on Hey Hey Saturday.

Did he really? Yeah. But what I love about this is anonymous Nielsen. Like, A, yes, putting in the surname when you're truly wanting to be anonymous is you're really going really half-assed there. You're really half-pregnant. Well, even like Alcoholics Anonymous, it's like I get, you know,

people probably aren't using their names in there and stuff. But you just, you know, you sit in there. People could still identify you. Should all be balaclavas and like completely concealing the identity. Yeah. But on top of that, when you do sign up, you give your own email address. Oh, yes. And, yeah, MJ Nielsen.

There you go. MJ? Yeah. Michael Jackson Nielsen? Michael Jackson Nielsen. Okay. Well, I can understand wanting to be anonymous. A, you're, you know, number one, you've risen from the dead.

Yes. And number two, you're, you know. Yeah. Imagine MJ coming back to life now like zombies. And he's like, oh, how good is this going to be? People, like he doesn't know, he doesn't know about the documentaries that have come out posthumously.

Right. Like, you know, he already knows that stuff was out there. He remembers doing the stuff he did. He remembers doing the stuff. But it's fair to say there's been much more of a groundswell in in the same way I was just watching the Jimmy Savile

documentary recently. So it really really came to light once he was dead. So you'd have to think if zombies were a thing they're like the people are going to be

wrapped and then they're just like not only are you a zombie but you're a pedophile as well. Well what about when Elvis died there was a big thing for many years

like is Elvis still alive? No, he's actually working at a truck stop in Florida and, you know, blah, blah, blah, all this sort of stuff. No one's speculating that Michael Jackson's still alive. No one's going, no, he's actually working as a full-time pedophile in Idaho. Right. The fake death rumour is such a funny one. It's like, people

just cannot conceive that this person could have somehow passed on. Yeah. It's like, the one thing, the one thing that exists that happens to literally everyone on earth it's like no i i simply refuse to believe it well it's gone the way of the loch ness monster hasn't it yeah there's too much internet you know now that you can prove and disprove everything it's like well i guess being a pedophile is the new um being secretly dead right that's the new that's the new rumor mill yeah about people that everyone that there's a secret. We didn't have that back in the day, did we? We just had

yetis and stuff. It was a simpler time before they invented diddling kids. They really, they kind of, yeah, I think they if they could go back and not invent that, I think they'd have their time again. If you could go back and kill Hitler and shoot pedophilia as a concept.

Yeah. Shoot Peter Phile, the first pedophilia as a concept. Yeah. Yeah. Shoot pedophile, the first man to ever touch a child. Yeah, that it was named after. He came up with it. He was the Wuhan bat in the wet market. It all came from him. He's the Lou Gehrig of being a pedophile.

Well, thanks, Anonymous. Thanks, Anonymous Nielsen. MJ himself. Thanks for hacking Nielsen. MJ himself. Thanks for hacking into Patreon and putting your credit card details in. Yeah, thanks for hacking into someone's ass. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Megan Musgrave. Ooh, okay. Old MM herself.

Yep, yep. Muzzo. I haven't had a bit of alliteration on this thing for a little while. Appreciate it. Appreciate the effort. Miss Marple. Megan Musgrave. Or Megan.

Depends what side of the Atlantic you're on, maybe. I've got to say I kind of prefer Megan as the pronunciation. I'm into it these days. These days? Yeah, it's a fresh take. As I've gotten older. It's a fresh take. When I was a kid, they were all Megans.

Megan. Never had a Megan when I was growing up. We've said this before, but the brutal thing of having a name that sounds dramatically different depending on the accent. Right. You're British and you're getting Megan, and then you come to Australia, ah, g'day, Megan. Your name just sounding... I've told this before, but I remember being um san francisco and auntie donna had been

there not long before me i met someone who'd been like working on their shows with them and they were like oh you're australian i just worked with those guys auntie donna and i was like wow this this name has not been has not been made for this accent right it sounds completely fucked coming out of this person's mouth. Yeah. Well, Megan Musgrave, any famous Megans in your life? In my life? In your lifetime,

in your personal life. Oh, so you're not asking me if I know of any famous people? No, not famous. I mean famous to you. Famous to me? I don't think I've ever met a single Megan. Really? I don't think Ious to me. I don't think I've ever met a single Megan. Really?

I don't think I've, yeah, I don't think there were any at my school. Oh, my friend, I vaguely know like a friend of a friend is named Megan. Wow. But yeah, no, I don't, yeah. It's not a name I've ever really come up against, to be completely honest. Wow, okay. No Megans in your closet. That was the only reason I watched the Oprah Winfrey, Harry and Megan interview.

Because I was like, I've never fucking heard of anything like this before. Right. The bombshell revelation of just her name was just so shocking to me. You were there pretending like you were in the show just so you can finally meet a Megan. Yeah. Or a Megan. Just sitting on the other side of the TV pretending to be Prince Harry. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, I wonder what it a Megan. Yeah. Or a Megan. Just sitting on the other side of the TV pretending to be Prince Harry.

Yeah, yeah. I wonder what it's like. Yeah. Knowing someone called Megan. Yeah. Just the one part of your life you hadn't completed. Yeah. What about, yeah, the last thing on my bucket list.

Yeah, yeah. What about you? I'm trying to think. I reckon I knew someone in primary school, quite a mousy sort of a girl called Megan. And of course, I reckon that's the one Megan I know. And so that's what's in my head. You know, that classic thing of like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what a Megan is to me. That's Megan to you, yeah. That eight-year-old that I knew. Yeah, when I was 17. Interesting. No, when I was eight as well. What can it take to undo just that, you know? Because it can happen, but I was 17. Interesting. No, when I was eight as well. What can it take to undo just that?

Because it can happen, but it is hard. How do you reboot Megan? How do you reboot your feelings about the name of someone? Well, look, I'll have to have a second Megan roll into my life. Maybe as they're introducing themselves to you, thus becoming your number one Megan, I can get a reboot Megan that can just completely restart what Megan means to me. We're both waiting for a good Megan to walk into our lives.

Yeah, that's true. There was a girl at my school who just, who, yeah, tainted a certain name for me. Oh, yes. And then many, many, many years later, I met someone with that name and had like, had a big crush on them from when I first met them. Yeah. But I still felt like I was mentally kept a little bit at bay because of the name and nothing ever happened with this person.

But I was like, I think if something happened here that it, that it'd have to, you'd hope that it'd have to undo it. So it didn't, you're not finally like having sex with this person and being like, ah, yuck,

what a shame. It's not help the name. I'm not able to get over the name. I'm sorry. Is there a name that you wouldn't be able to get over if you met the right person? Well, I mean, classically, like a mother's name, I think would be very, very difficult, don't you think?

Yes, look, of course, off the top of my head, yes. But you're classically not really using your mother's name too much in general conversation or anything, are you? Yeah, I know. But what, I mean, I'm saying you met a girl called Mum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, I've dated... Hot enough. A hot enough chick I think I could get past her. I've dated someone with the same name as a family member. Oh, yeah? Dad. Yeah.

And it was weird. It was weird because I, like, told the family member. Uncle Gary. Yeah. Yeah. I told the family member. I'm like, oh, I've been dating this person. I'm like, oh, thanks for...

I've been fucking someone with your name. Yeah, and they were like, oh, that's pretty weird, isn't it? They were, like, they were calling me weird. And I'm like, I didn't do this by design. I'm not rapped about it. Like, if I could pick any, like, if I got the choice of what name they had, yeah, I wouldn't be picking yours. I'm screaming your name. Yeah.

And I'm thinking of you. I'm thinking of you. That's the weird thing. It's not weird that she has the name. It's weird that I'm making her wear your clothes when we have sex. Yeah. And your moustache, Uncle Gary. Yes.

Yeah. Her name's Gary too, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. It could be short. It could be short for Garrity. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. But Megan, feel free to come up and introduce yourselves to us and give us a good talk for 10 minutes at a live show one time. So we can finally have our respective first and second Megans. Thanks, Megan. Thanks, Megan. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Anthony Littster. I'm going out on a limb and saying this is going to be the clunkiest surname in this entire Patreon read. Anthony Litster.

Litster. L-I-T-S-T-E-R. He's so close to being that disgraced artist. Which one? There's a guy with a similar name who there's a lot of alleged court cases about. I don't know anything about it. He, yeah, he's well known in the art world,

bit of an open secret kind of thing, and yeah, all this stuff came out about him being a fucking bad, bad guy. Okay. And a friend of mine who is an artist, the last time I saw him was in Sydney, and he was up there being paid to paint a mural on the side of this rich guy's house. And he'd bought this house and it had a mural of this like crook guy's artwork on it when he bought the house.

And the guy's daughters were like, dad, we cannot have this cunt have his work on our house. And so my friend had been brought in to paint over the side of it. Yeah. And he told us, he told us that out of drinks. And then he's like the hero of the group. Everyone's like, yeah, you're fucking dismantling this guy's work. That's so good. So hopefully this isn't this guy just using a pseudonym and changing his name by one letter.

Right. What about, what's Banksy up to these days? Good question. Probably hard to get out in the lockdown and do your stencil of a little rat eating a lollipop. What's it, yeah, what metaphors has he had for the lockdown surely he's had some sweet takes i mean on the coronavirus is he is he brought down the coronavirus and not sure too well i couldn't i could definitely imagine a world where you we maybe now because they're always like banksies just pop up and then it's you know it's often sometimes it's quite a while until they find them, isn't it? And then they have to like be verified or whatever.

So I could imagine us now finding out that Banksy's anti-vax. Oh, yeah. I think he'd have a lot, you know, it's like he's very like distrust of like authority and stuff like that. He's very parallel kind of thinking with the sort of stuff he's been doing. So you could just imagine. He's had a bad experience in lockdown and he's gone a bit he's gone a bit weird but like i said we're not you know we don't know this via him just being on twitter and losing his mind yeah it's just like someone's someone's walking down an alleyway and they're like wow that rat seems pretty fired up about the the vaccine mandate yeah yeah and then

they have to do however they do it i don't know who comes in and verifies and they're like yeah this is not only not only have you discovered a Banksy, you've discovered the first anti-vax Banksy. Yeah. This is the evidence that he's lost his mind and gone full anti-vax. And all of a sudden there's a trans rat like swimming against other female rats around the corner on a cartoon on a milk shop wall. And you go, oh, God, Banksy.

Kind of an artist who it would actually be pretty interesting to watch him go off the deep end just to see the way of that manifesting itself in his art would be actually quite interesting. Not just a soundbite in an interview, just like, yeah. You get all these other political cartoonists that get old and get fucking weird. He's not that far off that position. No.

He does political cartoons. Yep. He's getting on in years. It's time for him to go full crazy right wing, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. He does political cartoons. Yep. He's getting on in years. Yep. It's time for him to go full crazy right wing, I reckon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Have we done a check on whether souls are still alive?

Snake tales, souls? You'd like to think that'd be in the news, surely. But then... State funeral. I was. I mean, I don't want to... Yeah. I don't want to be...

I don't understand like that guy, but, you know, I don't read to be, I don't want to sound like that guy, but I don't read the paper anymore. I picked it up the other day and looked at it and went, God, this is no good. I feel like saying, yeah, no shit. But I did pick up the paper. But you picked up the paper specifically to have a look at the snake tail? No, I just picked it up and thought, I was at a McDonald's, I thought I'll have a look through it. And God, it's gotten, I'm sure everyone's done this over time. But I remember the paper always being worth having a look at.

But I picked up the paper and went, this is fucking terrible. Is he still doing new ones? Because I assumed it was one of those things like, you know, Calvin and Hobbes is generally still in there. But there hasn't been a new one of them in, like, fucking, you know, 20 years or something like that. Yeah. I remember it is so funny that the newspapers here

have just had the same, like, four comic strips in them for 30 years now. Yeah. Like, I remember going to America and getting the comics page when I was a kid and, like, all these different comics and then you read books about, like, you know, about Charles Schultz and stuff and, like, you can, like, strips can get cancelled.

Strips get taken out of the paper if they're not popular enough. Yeah. But the Herald Sun has just had, like, Garfield, I think Calvin and Hobbes and Snake Tales for just 30 years. Yeah. Like, there's no, like, no one's writing in and going, get this shit out of here. More.

Longer, I reckon. And the age, what do you got in there? You got The Wizard of Id. You got Hagar. And you got bloody Family Tales, family ties or something? I've got some news about Alan Salisbury, nicknamed Souls. It says on his Wikipedia page. Now, I thought we've talked about this in years gone by.

I'm pretty sure we thought he lived in Thailand. We got told that by a colleague of his. Oh, that's right. Is that where we got that from? Okay. Well, here it says he currently resides in Launceston, Tasmania. Okay. Maybe we could go and find some information on him next week when we go to Tasmania.

We could try and get him down to be on the show. Well, we were encouraged by the guys down there, the guys down at we go to Tasmania. We could try and get him down to be on the show. Well, we were encouraged by the guys down there, the guys down at Fresh Comedy in Tasmania, to do a show in Launceston. They were like, no, come and do it,

come and do it. Launceston, it's better than Hobart. And we were like, oh, you've got to stick to Hobart because it's the capital. It's the nation's capital, Tasmania.

But now I'm thinking, you know, I really do like Launceston. Launceston's great yeah at the very least we do like a Hunt for Della Vadova

style like us finding souls searching for souls yeah and then what do we do when we find him why are you so far

I don't know if we just played a straight bat and just did full career retrospective about he's not that old. I kept thinking he was like so old, but he's 73.

Take us back to that first moment when you thought, imagine if a snake had big tits. Yes. I'm looking it up. Apparently when it got distributed in America, they got rid of the lady snake's big honkers. Really? Lola Bunny style?

Yeah. They toned it down. Yep. Damn. The honkers. Really? Lola Bunny style? Yeah. They toned it down. Yep. Damn. Yeah. The green M&M, Lola Bunny, and the lady snake. Yeah. All victims of the PC culture gone now.

Massive vag on her, though. Oh, yeah, yeah. Americans love her. Yeah. Just a giant puss. Gaping cunt. Yeah. Yeah.

But no boobs, so that's a shame. No natties. No natties. They like that in the Bible Belt. Well, again, I mean, we've already got stuff there to talk about with him. Just us, a 70-year-old man grilling him about a snake's tits. Yeah. They're big, too.

They're really big. They're fucking what? They're like the size of her head. They're not natural. They are gigantic. In the Snake Tales universe, at some stage, Lady Snake has had, the snake has gotten fake boobs. Yeah, yeah. A snake has gotten implants.

I keep, I can never remember what it is. This was during lockdown. Me and my girlfriend were watching something, and I wish I could remember what film it was or what actress, but we were watching the film, and my girlfriend just pointed at this person on the screen and went, big tits. But now, you know, maybe it was, maybe it was, maybe we were looking at the Herald Sun and we were just reading a snake tales.

Because those have got to be like pound for pound, ratio wise, some of the biggest on the planet. Biggest on a reptile. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely biggest on a reptile. Well, if you're in Tasmania and you've got some kind of link to the great man, Solz, at the very least, he's on the door. I'd love that.

I'd love to hear some more about his life where he's also created strips called The Ludicrous Life of Lenny the Loser who then created something, created an American gangster strip called Fingers and Toes. Okay.

And it appeared in American newspapers, but encountered a number of problems with US publishers, including its portrayal of a drunken judge, occasional muggings, and US anti-violence campaigns. Souls just can't catch a break with trying to break into the US market. This is like when they made a big deal about they were

screening the castle over in the States and they're like, but they're going to have to change the line about Rissouls because they don't have them.

Right. It's like, you can't have a drunk judge in America. How's this? How's this for a bit of trivia? So,

Snake Tales was a bit like Robot Man. Remember Robot Man? Love Robot Man. Got a book of Robotman. Yeah, which then turned into... Monty.

Monty, exactly. Same deal here. Snaketales, not originally called Snaketales, was originally called Old Timer. But then the snake became the... Breakout star. The breakout star. Yeah. That is...

So whatever happened to Old Timer? It's crazy to me that Jim Medic fucked off Robot Man from the strip. It's so weird. Premise, nerdy inventor, invents a little robot companion. I think he's an alien or something. But anyway, he's got a little robot companion. They get into all sorts of weird little scrapes. And then he pissed

off the robot. And then now it's just a strip about a guy. There's like nothing distinct about it at all. Yeah, you think that's the angle. It's so weird. That's the angle. Yeah.

In 2000, the American basketball team Rio Grande Valley Vipers adopted his character Snake as their official mascot. The first time an Australian cartoon character had been so adopted. Wow. Well, I'm not super surprised at that. I mean, what are the other Australian cartoon characters that you could use for a basketball team? Blinky Bill? Yeah.

Not a lot of American koala-themed teams. I do like that because I'm looking at that, and then they've got a link to the Vipers on Wikipedia. You click on their link, and no longer the logo. No longer the mascot. Oh, no longer the mascot. Okay. That is weird, though. Oh, no longer the mascot. Okay. That is weird though. We need an Australian cartoon character.

Also, I mean... Louis the Fly. Louis the Fly, yeah, yeah. Who's... There should be an NBA team with Lady Snake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the big honkers.

Yeah. WNBA maybe. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that'd be good. Or just even here like a netball team. Yeah, yeah. The Lady Snakes.

You know what we should do? I mean, we haven't played for ages now, but Greg Larson's Rat World should have Lady Snake. Oh, yes. As the mascot. Yes. Yeah, that's good. Even despite the fact that the snake is obviously the enemy of the rat and would eat the rat. So if we're called something, but our mascot is something that would kill us yes yeah yeah yeah it sounds that sounds that makes sense okay all right lady snakes our

mascot all right well thanks um who the fuck was this where the fuck was that anthony litster oh thanks anthony yeah fucking hell long way from home uh thank you very much to Patreon subscriber Oliver Charlton okay yep Oliver this is when I this is this has come up

as with this little bit of info this is a guy that's subscribed and resubscribed several times oh okay one of these guys

you know it's good to remind a lot of times people will hit me up and go I'm a Patreon subscriber and then I look it up and go no you're not

and they go oh I changed credit cards. So if you're one of those guys out there, one of these girls out there, check your subscription. Just remember, sometimes people think they're subscribed and they're not. So this guy, Oliver Charlton, I mean, he could have been very loose with his visas over the years. And that's what's happened there. I mean, having like a lost wallet or having to cancel a credit card for whatever reason, it is nice in the sense that it's just like a full system reset.

All of your little subscription services that you've been forgetting to, like your streaming platforms that you don't use anymore and you're like, I really got to unsubscribe from that. You keep forgetting to do it. Well, guess what? Losing the card card having it cancelled having them all bounce back that just does it for you just a full just a full reset it feels good people on here please tell me they might deliberately chuck their wallet in the toilet

just yeah good point yeah um but oliver charlton um very english name for starters oliver don't get much more english than that charlton, a place in London, I believe. Oh, really? Okay. So, very... A great... Vale, a great old venue in Melbourne. A karaoke bar in Melbourne.

Oh. That you and I went to. Yes. One time, I believe, after the Antenna Awards. Yes. With Dave Thornton. Yes. When we were nominated for, I don't know, Best Comedy or something.

Something. Yeah, no, it was a place. It was a very good place to go on a Friday night or something. A lot of fun. Yeah. Very rowdy, kind of, yeah, pretty dingy and divey, but like a karaoke bar where it was like karaoke in a public setting, not private. It was a pool hall with karaoke, I think, chucked into it.

Because Charlton was, I would assume, named after Eddie Charlton, the famous Australian snooker player. But that just goes to show how that all works, where we're just like, it's a karaoke bar. No, no, no. I think that was chucked in as a last resort. Yeah.

Well, karaoke was the fun bit. You can do it anyway. Luke Heggy, big fan of karaoke, which, you know, just another string to the bow of the weird man that is uh luke heggie where you'd imagine he would hate anyone that did karaoke but no he absolutely fucking loves it i saw luke heggie in the street like uh two days ago on his way in to a pool hall oh really did he have the um the the little pool cue broken in half? He didn't, but it was like 11am and he was folding up his bike out the front of this place. Oh, he had the fold-up bike, not the fold-up cue.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, oh, what are you up to? And he's like, oh, just going in here to shoot some pool with a mate. Like, at 11am? Such a strange... Are you wagging school? It's Easter Monday, 11am, shoot and pool with a mate. I was like, I mean, I guess you're doing shows at night, but it's like, still just something

about the timing of it was like... His life is full of stuff he should be ranting about on stage. Yes. Yep. It's chockers with it. But, yes, I did, I think, I'm pretty sure I saw him perform there. He loves the karaoke. He was telling me the other day that he once won like, I don't know, I think like a thousand

bucks. Okay. By rocking into some, they were having the final of a karaoke competition at some pub and he was like half cut, goes in there, forces his way into the final. Oh, wow. And he's not done any of the other rounds. Yep. not done any of the other rounds.

Yep. And the classic karaoke trick that a lot of people fall into the, you know, into the, what would you say, don't know the trick of at the very least, which is they get on there and they sing the song that they can sing instead of singing the song that people want to hear. Yes. And so he gets up there. He's got a bunch of English backpackers in there he does a bit of

uh uh don't look back in anger okay walks out there with a with a cool grand in cash and he goes he said i actually ran out of there because i sort of thought someone's going to be on to me in a minute and i'm like on to what yeah like what's the scam you sang a song and they all and everyone was pissed and they liked that song. Yeah. You won. Yeah. Good for him.

Yeah. Very funny. Just to think of Luke Heggy up there. Yeah, I'd love to hear him sing. I can't imagine it. Yeah. No, he's serious about it. He loves it.

Okay. We should go. Weird. Yeah, okay. We should book a room. Okay. All right. Just one of those intense ones where it's just the five of us or whatever, just in a

little room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I want to see him in front of a crowd. You want to... Yeah, okay. Where is there... That's the problem, though, is that it's hard to find those places.

There's not really too many of them around. There's one in Brunswick, but that's kind of... The place I can think of is Charlton's that we're just talking about does not exist anymore. Yeah, exactly. I nearly ran a comedy night in there once. I was looking for a new venue and I went in there and they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what we want, comedy in here. Because they did use that venue in there for like a comedy festival.

They were a comedy festival venue, yeah. Like one or two years. Yeah. And this guy was like, yes, yes, yes, I want it in here. And I was like thinking, this seems a little bit weird. And then a week later the guy texts me to go, yeah, don't run any comedy in here. And I was like thinking, this seems a little bit weird. And then a week later, the guy texts me to go, yeah, don't run any comedy in there. They just sacked me.

They're a pack of cunts. Okay. All right. See you, boys. Yeah. Well, thanks, Oliver. Thanks, Oliver. All right.

One more. Let's do one more. We're in the... I haven't had lunch yet and it's getting late. Yes. I'm hungry. I am close to my favourite cookie place.

Oh, yep. And I'm going to go down there and have a look. And it's 2.30 in the afternoon and there is a chance they are no longer baking. So I better get down there. Get your skates on. Better get down there in the pouring fucking rain. Also, I parked my car in a one-way street. And this has been on my brain the whole fucking time.

I parked my car and I sat in the car because I was waiting for you, like in terms of you said meet me at this time. I was there about 20 minutes early. I thought I'll just sit in the car and do a bit of work. Tight one-way street, nothing but trucks and vans coming down that street. Nearly fucking my car at all times. I'm sitting there and very clearly they're looking at me and going, we better not fuck this guy's car up.

Yeah. Because he's in it. Because he's in it, yeah. Now I'm not in it. They're thinking, great, he's gone. Yeah. Let's do a lap of the block and come back and get it once he's pissed off. Let's monster truck it.

Yeah, okay. Let's go over the top of fucking the Godimobile. So that's going to be very interesting. All right, let's crack on. Fifth and final one this week. Thank you very much to Patreon subscriber. Oh, thank you very much to Megan Comedy. Megan or Megan?

Oh, I don't know. It's spelled the same. I don't know. This might be finally. Okay. Come over, Megan Comedy. Yep. This is an in for us to meet because we're pretty sure we've had a lot of people on this show called Comedy.

Yep. And we feel good about it. There's a good association there. So this is like a good Megan that we're meeting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, thanks. Thanks, Megan. Thanks, Megan Comedy.

Thanks everyone who supports on Patreon. LittleDumbDumbClub.com. Get yourself a ticket to the shows this weekend and in Tasmania. And thank you for listening and we will see you next time. See you, mates.